#tinder bait

[knightingael]

Was nobody gonna tell me that Tinder is actually a decent wlw dating space?

[powdermelonkeg]

Trying to figure out TP Link's diet based on his environment.

Livestock-wise, we've got cuccos and goats. That means

Eggs

Milk

Butter

Cheese

Potentially meat, but I don't think they get eaten unless they're old. Too valuable otherwise | EDIT: Oh yeah you need to breed goats every couple years to get milk. Add in cabrito veal!

And we know for a fact that Ordon Goat Cheese specifically is a thing. Stamped wheel and everything.

There's also fish

And bees/hornets(? It's called bee larva, but the enemy is a Hylian Hornet)

Useful for bait, but Link can eat them.

Did some more research, and apparently in Japan they eat wasp larvae? Specifically in Kushihara. So I'm counting it.

Then plants-wise we have pumpkins

And...corn. Somehow. I've never seen corn growing, but Link has some hanging in his house, so it exists.

I'm choosing to believe it comes from these plants that grow in patches around Ordon.

That gives us a lot. We've got

Cornstarch

Cornmeal

Corn oil

Corn shoots

Pumpkin seeds

Pumpkin seed oil

Pumpkin flour

Pumpkin blossoms

No source of sugar, but depending on how the pumpkins in Ordon taste, they could be naturally sweet. Like pie pumpkins. Also corn syrup is a thing if it's a sweet corn. So corn syrup needs cream of tartar which comes from grapes and apples and such. It's a byproduct of wine. No corn syrup.

Edit: Malt sugar, though!

Now for hypothetical foods.

Ordon is surrounded by pine trees, so that adds pine needle tea and pine nuts to the mix. I was a little worried about species, but apparently there are a lot of pine trees that make edible seeds, so on the list it goes.

Then there are frogs near Rusl and Uli's house, wild songbirds on cliffs, and a squirrel that talks to Link directly, so those are huntable sources of meat.

Is horse grass a cattail? Maybe? Initially, I thought it was—the ends look like cattail seedpuffs, but the leaves are completely different.

I want to treat them like cattails. Cattails that also are probably the main food source for Epona and the goats.

If we do that, that means, on top of all the other uses cattails have like stuffing and tinder and antiseptic, we get

Roots

Shoots

Ground seeds

Can't find a good match for hawk grass though. Concluding that that's not edible. Equivalent exchange and all.

Side note, how do you think horse grass spreads? It's almost always in groups of two or more plants, so that suggests rhizomes, but the image of Link picking one up to blow and stuffing flying out the end of the horseshoe is hilarious to me.

Up next, there are ferns, primarily near trees. After very careful and way-too-deep analysis of a pixelated fern's leaves, I think it's bracken fern.

Which is mildly poisonous.

And also edible.

On the list it goes!

Then finally, Sera has some kind of herb hanging in her shop.

I don't know what it is. I'm calling it Ordon Spice. Congratulations, Ordon Pumpkin Spice is now a thing.

[toxicanonymity]

App Store: Stepdad Joel Masterlist

Main story complete.

SUMMARY: Reader does not live at home. Joel married her mom when she was a teen. Now in her 20s, she catches Joel jerking off to her insta and starts toying with him. He tries to resist. No y/n. WARNINGS: I8+ Stepcest, pining, angst, jacking off, voyeurism, mutual masturbation, fingering, mutual touching, degradation (both ways), grinding, oral (both ways), cheating, unsafe P in V, loads of cum, See chapter-specific.

LATEST: The Wall (1.4k, flashback)

Smut every chapter.

App Store (Main story)

Instagram (1.1k)- You come by unannounced, catch Joel jacking off, and get him to finish while you touch yourself.

Snapchat (1.1k)- You send sexy snapchats to Joel and bait him into touching you.

Halloween drabble (500) - Help with tie

Uber (1.2k)- You call Joel instead of a ride share and tempt and touch him on the way home.

All Recipes (1.4k)- You bait Joel into touching you while he's cooking for Thanksgiving.

Fandango (2.1k)- After a tense Thanksgiving dinner, you get frisky in a movie and at your apt.

Tinder (3.5k) - Joel does something upsetting and you bring a date home. His state of mind.

Amazon (2.7k) - Joel is sad and horny and snapchats you a lot while you ignore him. Bonus Snapchats! | Another bonus (what if)

Ring Doorbell (5.4k) - Joel holds it together at a party, only to show up at your apartment later.

Clock (1.7k) - the morning after the big night, you stay in bed.

Bonus updates (post-Clock)

✨ it's hard (the Who) (3k)

sticky fingers (Rolling Stones)

Bonus flashbacks

✨ the wall (Pink Floyd)

Other

lore from when they first met

more bonus snaps

hypothetically bailing him out (1k)

NOT Canon

Hypothetically baiting him

Cucking him with another Joel (700)

Alternate timeline to Uber (700)

Art, etc.

Joel portrait by @bonezone44

reader-curated spotify playlist

HIS BITMOJI

stepdad!Joel meme roundup by various

Think about you gif by @iamasaddie

Pussy worth it board by @iamasaddie

Stepdad's moods by @milla-frenchy

people change collage by @iamasaddie

hands by @noxturnalpascal

Shoutout to @megangovier for the request that became Insta. 🖤

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Awww, my poor boy toy is growing his boobs back, what a pity. Although I bet he and his silly fem fantasies are getting off on it.... When I met 'Hannah' on Tinder, I knew right away he was a fakegirl. The way he flaunted his oversized breasts and wore super prissy clothes, all of his photos were male-gaze pandering goon bait. Nothing tasteful or remotely empowering. I got to talking with Hannah and could tell he transitioned young because his voice never dropped, gonna have to fix that!

We met at a nice restaurant and he seemed extremely horny, mentioned going back to my place, seductively eyeing me, licking and biting his lips like some porno girl, purposefully jiggling his estrogen-pumped 'breasts' to excite me. He even had to hide his cock, since he wasn't wearing underwear and kept getting erections. He and I used the restroom before we left and I stopped him at the women's room and made him use the men's room. He blushed and obeyed like a good boy. He apparently got groped using the urinal. A man grabbed his 'breasts' another jacked him off. He came out of the men's room panting, sweaty, telling me about it. I told him 'good', that's what boys get for playing dress up.

We got back to my place and I made him strip, donning some dominatrix-y gear I knew would turn him on because he's so clearly porn-brained. I lubed up a dildo and fucked his ass, jerking him off, smacking his 'breasts' with a paddle. He loved it. I called him a boy, and misgendered him, I told him he was a naughty fakegirl and needed severe punishment for infiltrating women's spaces. All of this didn't offend him at all, hence you can tell he wasn't really a girl. Just a perverted boy who begged too loud for blockers and hormones. I managed to make 'Hannah' cum so many times he passed out. The next morning he woke up to a needle getting injected straight into his cock. I shushed him as he woke up, and told him it was testosterone. He was blushing so badly, but he couldn't control his perverted brain. All he had to do was say no. But he stared at the needle, already piercing his rock-hard cock, and nodded for me to do it. To detransition him for being such a bad boy.

It's amazing how quickly Hank gave up being a girl. He made a hasty post on social media about detransitioning as he posted a vid of himself jerking off, telling his friends and family to stop calling him Hannah and to use he/him pronouns, that he's sorry he pretended to be a girl and promised to get his embarrassingly oversized 'breasts' removed asap. His family didn't seem the least bit surprised, several said they knew he was going to detrans sooner or later. Now Hank is my very own personal pig. He's only allowed to cum if I tell him, if he he has an accident I punish him and put him in a cock cage, and I don't let my piggy eat my pussy out for a whole week. You should watch him salivate when he sees what a real woman has. Instead when he's being punished I make him overeat for my amusement. My piggy is getting so fat, and so accustomed to my favorite forms of punishment I might have to think of things more extreme. I'm already having fun paddling and smacking his moobs, punishing him for daring to grow back a set of tits. He grovels and apologizes. I might have to take away his privilege of getting ass fucked by me every night before bed with the biggest strap on I can find if he goes up anymore cup sizes. He'd be so upset but I can't have my piggy getting off on growing back a pair of tits, it's simply unacceptable!"

[going-to-ikea-for-the-fries]

Legend: G -> General Audiences M -> Mature (violence, gore, abuse) E -> Explicit (smut!) DEAD DOVE -> Read the tags carefully

> FIC MASTERLIST <

Mi Querida Esposa || best friend to lovers! | G | fluff | "Amor a Alejandro" challenge |

Tu Querido Esposo (follow up on the one above ^) | G | fluff + smut |

Riding a Vaquero. || Tinder!AU | E | crack + smut |

Who wears the pants. || husband!John | E | smut | DEAD DOVE |

Confidence. || young!John | E | smut |

Three. Four. Five. || toxic!husband!John | E | smut , humour | "O, Captain!" challenge |

Lost in Ikea. || strangers! | G | hurt/comfort | "O, Captain!" challenge |

Temporary Fix. || cheater!Johnny x fat!reader | E | smut | DEAD DOVE |

Temporary Fix v.2 || skirt chaser!Johnny x fat!reader | E | smut | DEAD DOVE |

Met His Match. || Tinder AU | E | smut | collab with @crashtestbunny |

Talk. || baby daddy!Kyle | M~ | fluff | DEAD DOVE |

Sharing is caring. || Gaz x reader x Ghost | M | smut |

Breeding? || Merman!Gaz (Mermay 2024) | E | smut |

Again. || Merman!Gaz pt. 2 (Mermay 2024) | E | smut | DEAD DOVE |

Quiet Confidence. || ONS!Gaz | E | smut |

Bereavement || Ghost | M | angst |

Sleep. || Ghost x f!reader | G | fluff , angst |

Boxing AU || Ghost x Soap | M | fluff |

Ojalá || stripper!Ghost x f!reader | E | smut~ |

Sharing is caring. || Gaz x reader x Ghost | M | smut |

Bait and Switch. || victim!Ghost x scammer!reader | M | crack , dark? | DEAD DOVE |

Regret & Rememberance || grieving!Ghost | M | angst , dark? | DEAD DOVE |

Mine. || brother's best friend!Ghost | E | smut | "Ghost Challenge" |

Washing up. || merman!Ghost (Mermay 2024) | E | smut | DEAD DOVE |

> COMING SOON <

Don't cry. || rogue!Nikto x fat f!reader | M > E | dark | DEAD DOVE |

> HEADCANONS <

Simon is a natural caretaker | G | fluff |

When you're feeling sick. | G | fluff |

Ghost as the 141 Captain. | M | angst |

Ghost's Skull | M | angst | DEAD DOVE |

The 141 Shopping | G | crack / humour |

The 141 on Holiday | G | crack / fluff |

Retired Husband Price | G | fluff |

[strangelittlestories]

The City of Statues had been burning for days.

The smoke wisped up past the faces of granite gods and marble monsters; by rights, their eyes should have watered from the ash (if not from grief). But they shed no tears, just stood in silent judgement as they always had.

The air was thick with the tension of violence that had not yet reached its peak. It clung to people’s skin like a heatwave. It lingered in the ear like a symphony layered with the quiet screams of strings and woodwind, while the percussion and brass waited with breath baited by thunder.

Three days ago, the Followers of the Lady Who Smiles Daggers had carved their demands into the doors of the Palace of the Son of Progress. 

(Those priests who guarded the Palace - it was, after all, built into the stone belly of their god - had tried to resist.)

The night before last, Those Who Dwell in the Shadow of Tomorrow had gone looking for these dissidents in the foundations that spread like roots beneath the city.

(They had kept at the hunt past the warning bells and many were lost in the rush as the statues pulled their faith-nutrients from the soil that was the city sewers.)

Yesterday morning, the Cult of the Crying Trickster Child had become involved, pouring literal and metaphorical oil upon the flames.

It seemed that the whole city would be tinder in the coming conflagration, leaving just a charred ruin of silent soot-stained stony deities behind.

On the day the heavens were ready to open, riots spread through the town’s arterial streets like septic blood. Militias clashed in a steady violent heartbeat. Priests of different stripes stood on high monuments and chanted and made both roofs and pavements tremble.

Everyone waited for the crescendo. The thunder. The cracking cardiac event of a body made of stone.

But when the rain fell, the sky did not break nor the walls fall nor the ground rupture.

It fell gently. Softly. Quietly.

The heat of flame and summer and anger had performed some strange alchemy to the atmosphere. It had thickened, not to burst, but to transform.

As the rain fell across the great monuments that were the divinities of the City of Statues … they opened their eyes.

They stared down at their home and saw its pain and tears joined the raindrops on their time-worn faces.

People would wonder, afterwards, what could have caused this. What could have undone the old curse the Star Basilisk had laid down on the city’s titanic founders?

They may never know. But I will reveal the secret to you. All that tension, the heat and flame and smoke, the malevolence and vitriol and pain that had burned in the city below - it did something quite unpredictable above.

What do you get when you burn up all your rage? You reveal the care that lies beneath.

The rainfall was simply all the anger that had simmered in the city, coming back down as the compassion it had once been.

[artbyblastweave]

Now to briefly clarify authorial intent for a moment, the joke I was going for with that "strung up mutilated corpses" post was to bait-and-switch between the relatively common criticism of Bethesda's worldbuilding (the cartoonish violence and depravity used to signpost raiders as acceptable targets is unrealistically frequent within the setting and vanishingly rare in real life outside of extreme edge cases) to the much less defensible claim that if your tinder hookup in specific turns out to have hired Ed Gein as an interior decorator you have no cause to be alarmed. But a different subset of tumblr's userbase has picked up and run with the post and you know what, I'm glad that they're having fun

[bitchfitch]

Einer, sitting in front of his basement door anxiously staring at the dating apps he's downloaded while the corpse of his dead husband goes to town on a pumpkin full of ground beef.

"Is it more problematic to use Grindr or Tinder to find people to feed to my pet zombie? If I use Grindr I'm preying on an Oppressed minority, ignore that I'm gay too, but if I use Tinder I'm preying on women and being that cock in every true crime podcast ever. What am I even supposed to do once someone takes the bait? Fucking invite them down to the basement to see the cask of Amontillado I have down there???"

Echo, who has just found the dog chew toy that was hidden amongst the ground beef in the pumpkin: *Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak*

"Yeah, you're right, I'm over thinking this."

[jackhkeynes]

kirt ag madou "catalyst"

kirt ag madou /kɪrt ɛj maˈdu/ [kɪːt ɛj mɐˈdu]

catalyst, trigger, spark, inciting incident, a thing or event that sets something (especially something of outsized impact) into motion;

Etymology: idiom attested from the 18C, literally "spark to the kindling". The noun kirt "spark" descends from synonymous kirte in Old Borlish, and is probably onomatopoeic in origin. The noun madou "tinder, kindling" is a borrowing from Middle French (a)madou "lure, bait; kindling, touchwood", a deverbal of amadouer "coax, lure; kindle". This verb is thought to descend via Old Norse mata "lure, feed" from Classical German *matōnam "feed".

Cay rix un kirt ag madou por defas machinaçonal. /ke rɪks ɪn kɪrt ɛj maˈdu pɔr deˈfaz ˌma.kiˈna.dzoˈnal/ [ke ʀɪks ɪŋ kɪːt ɛj mɐˈdu pɔː dɪˈfaz ˌma.kɪˈna.dzʊˈnal] fall war indf spark to.df tinder for progress technological War is a catalyst of technological development.

[alton-towers-real]

Bloodbath

Alton Towers, Samsung Music/EAS, and Spotify_official_grampa get into a fight. Samsung Music/EAS triumphantly kills them both.

Tinder and realhbomax fight for a bag. Tinder gives up and retreats.

IRELAND runs into the cornucopia and hides.

Dicks Sporting Goods takes a spear from inside the cornucopia.

ASDA grabs a jar of fishing bait while Hoyoverse gets fishing gear.

Wikipedia gathers as much food as it can.

[httpshujii]

OKAY SO I DOWNLOADED THIS KINDA NEW LANGUAGE LEARNING APP THAT HAS A TINDER LAYOUT (I SHOULDVE DELETED IT WHEN I SAW THAT BUT NOOO IM JUST TOO DUMB SOMETIMES) AND THEN STARTED USING IT YK. LIKE ANY OTHER APP.

SO LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO I GET A FRIEND REQUEST FROM THIS GUY AMD I ACCEPT IT AND HE TEXTS ME. AND OFC I TEXT HIM BACK BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS AND I SAY SOMETHING LIKE “hi!! how are you doing” AND HE DEADASS REPLIES WITH “im master baiting (misspelled it rn on purpose cuz i just hate that word don’t question me pls😔) cuz you so sexy in the profile photos” AND ATP IM LIKE … you’re a fake account, right? and he actually isn’t a fake account (which makes this 10 times worse) and he sends me a dicpic🤒 and i’m bracing myself cuz im pretty sure he’s about to ask for something in return and spoiler: he does😍. so atp im just laughing and having the time of my life on there so i send him a random ss o of a video from ph and leave it at that.

then he texts me for two more days, and i don’t reply and he’s like “why u not responding do you not like me ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️” and while talking to a friend i tell her about the convo and she says “just say some crazy shit and see if he still keeps texting you.” and so i told him i was in the hospital because i got stabbed and robbed while i was out hoping he’s gonna get scared and think i live in the most gruel place ever and leave me alone.

BUT HE DOESNT. AND HE ACTUALLY SEEMS CONCERNED. AND I TALK A BIT MORE WITH HIM (out of guilt) and with some exceptions of being super fucking cringe he’s actually nice amd wants to get to know me ☹️ and today while i was sleeping (timezones yk) he sent me a video of him singing last christmas and telling me what i quoted in my post ☹️ and now im really guilty because he’s nice (with some exceptions bc sometimes he !!!almost!!! returns to his old ways) and idk i just don’t think i find him attravtive in that way or something i guess. but that lil video lowkey made my stomach do flips☹️

EW AND AW personally, I would usually say no but this is a confusing situation tbh

[annislittleshopofhorrors]

I’m sorry for how long this is, I’m usually a lurker so have held it in. It may be spiteful, but I really feel like he deserves a question about her. He went public with that horrible pap walk we all endured, he publicly acknowledged his deep love of scaring her and then publicly threw her in our faces with a montage on Valentines Day without even writing Happy Valentines Day on the post. Even if he didn’t personally handle the crap being put on his social media, he knew it was going on there. I don’t care if it’s real or PR or if they had something on him and conned him into doing this. If he wasn’t acting a fool, they wouldn’t have something on him in the first place. If this is indeed PR, he signed up for it or did something stupid like IG Tinder and got caught being a gross old (I’m a few years older than him so I can say that) man after young booty. Whatever the case, he is doing this to himself. He knows the distaste or he wouldn’t have been so timid on Friday at the convention. Personal opinion, he would have backed out, but his team pressured him to try to make any amends with his fans that he could. They know what is being said about him and how many fans turned away. The fact that he let the trio bait and taunt his fans, and continued to entertain them, in whatever capacity it did, that says enough for me. I don’t care if it is how CAA works. I’m a Seb girl, I lived thru what CAA has done for his image, and I want Pre-CAA Seb back. They are doing the same with Chris. Whether it is real or PR, I feel like they have used it for PR if it’s real and it has made him look nasty and conceited and truly needing help. His fans that have always defended him to rumors, he spit in their faces by still allowing the baits before awkwardly walking thru Central Park the day after SMA dropped. That was when he showed his true colors to me. He said, ‘thanks for defending me but let me show you what I really think.” No, he owes me nothing. I chose to be a fan and he is a grown man and loves his own life and makes his own choices. But I will never defend his actions again and that’s my choice. I don’t see him in the same way, and that’s my choice because of my likes and dislikes and morals. I can choose whether or not to spend my money on his work or meet and greets because it’s my choice. He is a public figure though and he chose that. He chose to call the paps and to post the two montages and that’s his choice (kind of). Celebrities post what they want you to see and usually are only photographed when they want to be seen for a reason. So, yeah, I choose to see this whole thing like Chris spitting in his fans faces repeatedly after seeing this trio called out for their actions and still being in their circle. So, I hope they ask about his very public, in love, relationship with his 25 year old love who makes a living portraying children while she hangs with her racist, nazi loving, fatphobic Neanderthal friends. Ask him the question. How is your love, ALBA freaking Baptista?

Sorry, it took me a while to read it. Most of the time I have something to say, but this time I just can't because you just expressed your feelings about him. So I won't argue or agree or disagree with you. This is a safe space, so I hear you and I understand how you feel. 😊

[toxicanonymity]

stepdad!Joel Poll

Stepdad master list now has 9 stories. You know what that means! Market research poll.

Instagram (1.1k)- You come by their house unannounced, catch Joel jacking off, and tell him to finish.

Snapchat (1.1k)- You send sexy snapchats to Joel and bait him by posting one on Instagram.

Uber (1.2k)- You call Joel instead of a rideshare and try to tempt him on the way back to their house.

All Recipes (1.4k)- You bait Joel while he's making a casserole for Thanksgiving.

Fandango (2.1k)- You go to Thanksgiving, then you and Joel see a movie, and stop by your apartment.

Tinder (3.5k) - Joel does something upsetting and you bring a date home to mom's house. His state of mind when he did it.

Amazon (2.7k) - Joel is sad and horny and snapchats you a lot while you ignore him. Bonus Snapchats!

Ring Doorbell (5.4k) - Joel holds it together at a party, only to show up at your apartment later.

✨Clock (1.7k) - the morning after the big night, you stay in bed.

[thewritersaddictions]

(R) Drabbles: Klaus Mikealson- Date Site

Klaus met you on Tinder. He wasn't sure how else he could manage to get a date. He was having difficulty watching his other siblings get into relationships or married.

I just wanted to know that someone out there wanted him as much as he yearned to be wanted. It was hard for Klaus to pick out someone from a random crowd, but you were easy. You had baited yourself with beautiful pictures of yourself plastered on your Tinder profile.

Your social media was also plastered under your username, but then the fun little facts came out about you in the description. He was blinded with love as he browsed your profile. He slide right and you guys matched. He was quick to send a message like a wave of magic you were wrapped around his pinky.

"I'm sure these pictures don't do you justice, maybe we should meet and have coffee?" That was the first message that Klaus had sent to you. From there it opened a long and heartful dialogue between the two of you. "I'd love a good coffee." You replied back quickly and it made Klaus's heart jump with excitement.

He was already infatuated with you and he hadn't even properly met you yet. Your coffee date with Klaus was only a few days after you both matched on the app. He was a tall and handsome man, who somehow only had his eyes on you regardless of the beautiful women in the small coffee shop.

As he ordered his own coffee you browsed through his Tinder profile. Pictures of his paintings, his family, and the scenery around New Orleans. Quickly you put your phone away as you waved him over to the small table you had managed to gather.

"You're even more exquisite in person in comparison to your photos." His words dripped like honey and made your whole body warm to the touch. "Oh, why thank you" You took a sip at your coffee, and now suddenly it felt like you were the only one around.

"I saw from your profile that you enjoy painting." You muttered as you brought the coffee cup up towards your lips. A few pastries had been brought to the table. "I do enjoy painting, but I love other things as well," Klaus said grabbing for a pastry on the tray. You also reached down and grabbed a Danish from the plate. Crumbs sticking to your lips and cheeks. You smiled happily at him as he reached over his thumb rubbing at your bottom lip gathering the leftover Danish and licking his thumb. Winking at you in the process.

After that coffee date you exchanged phone numbers, and that night both of you deleted Tinder from your phone. You had felt something that you hoped, wished that Klaus had also felt. Klaus had felt it, he had deleted the app for another reason, sure he had felt the way your skin felt against his thumb. The craving feeling was created by the little contact, but it was something else that made him delete the app.

Klaus just knew that you'd be the one. Regardless of how he how gets you into his arms, then into his bed, and finally into his family. He wanted you and only you, his eyes were set on you and everything you stood for in front of him.

Completed on: 05/04/23

Posted on: 05/23/23

The Originals-

[giogio-gucci-gangstar]

Melone came to me in a dream and told me to write him some smut. So here’s the first part of this monstrosity, I’m sorry.

Cyber Sex: Melone x Reader PART ONE

Warnings: stalking, medical kink, porn, very dark humor, reader thinks it would be kind of sexy to be dissected there’s nothing wrong with her she just thinks it would be kinda fun and in no way relates to the author (me) and my mental state (will be explicit in coming chapters)

Summary: when you get bored you like to message men on tinder unhinged things and see how far they’ll go trying to hook up. So far your best was getting a man to say he’d cut off three toes if you bought him six shots, which was kind of pathetic.

——————————————————————————

It was one of those night, the really dark long boring ones. Like most of them were… no one told you grad school in another country would be so isolating but fortunately your trusty undergrad boredom solver was able to continent hop with you.

You called it “playing tinder”. You started freshman year of undergrad in the states with the boys who lived above you. You’d take one of the boys phones, swipe right on every girl, and say the most unhinged things you could come up with and see how long it would take for them to unmatch. It was like mad libs but for drunk people who wanted to fuck. A great, morally neutral, pass time.

You scrolled through your matches with a glass of wine. For the man on ice skates who “liked the Beatles” you sent “how many beetles can you fit in your mouth?” To the man with fiery orange hair who had messaged you “shiiiiiit yes pls” you replied “omg amazing I didn’t even have to ask, thank you so much for letting me harvest your organs”. For the special looking man who had multiple ponytails and started with the ever boring “what’s up?” You replied “my little sister just poisoned our whole family, except me and my senile uncle, by dousing the sugar for blackberries in arsenic :,(“. And lastly to the shockingly pretty purple haired man on a motorcycle you messaged, “Wanna role play going through the Egyptian underworld?” That was good enough for now, should reap some interesting conversations in a few minutes if Italian men were as horny as all the American ones.

You put your phone done for a second to pour some more wine. It was fine, you definitely weren’t an old lonely lady using men for entertainment. If anything it was more morally acceptable than going out and fucking them all. Your tension eased as your phone buzzed a few times against the table. The bait had worked for someone.

“Beatles, not beetles. Why would I know how many beetles could fit in my mouth? It would vary wildly depending on species” Clearly not a real Beatles fan. Next.

“Lmao idk I like my body as it is but I like yours more” kind of sad? You just said you wanted his organs and he’s still trying to hit it? Next.

“That sounds terrible” boring, where’s the drama? Why did he not know you just summarized We Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson? Clearly illiterate. Next.

“Anubis, is that you?”

Oh? This one piqued your interest. This was someone you could have some fun with. You swiped back to look at his profile, a guy going by Melone, the pretty purple man on a motorcycle. Looking more closely you saw he also had a sheer eyepatch, which was a fashion choice, and was often depicted working on a computer. He must be in tech or something. Weird for a guy like that to be in Naples though, usually they were all up in Rome. Oh well, who were you to judge your source of entertainment for the night.

Melone: Anubis is that you?

You: okay wow you’re really starting in the middle of things. Before I can measure the weight of your heart against a feather I’m gonna have to remove it. Just protocol.

Melone: Of course of course, but wouldn’t sucking my brain out of my nose with a straw come first? Do you even have enough linen and salt to preserve it properly?

He was brilliant. He could banter AND knew exactly what you were talking about? Perfection. You cozied into the couch and prepared for a long night of texting.

~~~~~~~~~~

Melone was dangled over the kitchen counter messaging you until you fell asleep and stopped responding. He knew you had fallen asleep because in the few hours you had been chatting he had been able to pin point your IP address (and silently judge you for not having a VPN in case someone scarier than him should come along). But now that he wasn’t distracted by all of your cute little texts, the real work could begin.

He started prowling through your social media. So basic he knew, every sorority girl with half a brain could fact check someone on Facebook or Instagram. He just wanted to see your face from different angles, and to confirm that your personality and wit followed from platform to platform. He was very pleased to find that you had several fake instagrams, twitters, and tumblrs. Different names, but same general tone of character, never interacted with each other. A crude but simple system, all it would take for someone to link the two would be some simple tracking, but that was more than a recruiter or school would do so he supposed you were safe.

Your more professional and less used sites showed your undergraduate degree, what you studied, what you were studying, boring things that you’d be asked at any forced mingling scenario. He wanted to know more, he wanted to know what you were posting on tumblr when you first joined in 2011, he wanted to know everything about you, not just the curated photos you wanted people to see.

Next was your search history, just basic things like summaries of the last House of the Dragon episode, best espresso bars near you, etc etc. but then they got a little more interesting, human tongue, lobotomy, live lobotomy, ice pick for sale, is grave robbing legal in Poland, shibari, homemade cyanide, antique Etruscan poison pendants. I’m your defense you had searched these on private mode, but nothing could ever be private between lovers could it? And you certainly were his style of fun.

He saved the Twitter account with no photo, no description, and no followers for last. Something told him it was where you would keep everything you didn’t want even your online personas associated with. He nearly started drooling when he saw the first porn gif. A little basic, just some tits bouncing, but that could be improved. Namely they could be your tits bouncing and his face could be between them, but he enjoyed knowing you were at least a little perverse.

[topguncortez]

do you think maybe Rooster would use the dilf card to get more girls? 😬 like, acting all father of the year and shit to get laid lmao

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

he would be the type to use a picture of him and the kid on his tinder profile and then not understand when Mama gets upset about it.

"you can't use my kid as date bait."

"why not? he's my kid too."

*tries not to choke the shit outta him*