#tldnr

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

@little-cowby hey! :3 so, i havent personally done my own research on this myself, BUT its something my therapist told me and i see no reason to distrust him (and no hes not just Some Neurotypical who doesnt understand adhd, he Has It and so do i)

so, adhd is absolutely caused by genetics and stuff like that, BUT APPARENTLY newer studies have found that early childhood trauma can cause adhd symptoms to appear when there previously were none. and these studies are new enough that i doooooont think theyre sure if the trauma just causes inhereted adhd to present itself stronger or if it really just. makes the symltoms appear. or at least, I'M not sure about it

imo, it kind of makes sense tho? adhd is a deficiency with dopamine and if you zap some poor kid's brain to shit SUPER early, that thang is not gonna work right. like i said, i havent personally done research on this so i cant rly give an in depth answer, all ive got is My Therapist Told Me so i highly encourage u to do ur own research on it!

(update as i was writing the tags i decided to do a quick google search and from what i quickly saw, yea it seems to check out!)

[l-m-n-o-ps]

Me, generally: canon matters and should be respected. If individuals want to use fandom as a vehicle to explore themes outside the scope of canon, that’s fine, but they should have in-depth knowledge of the source material before they try to deviate too far from the established lore. It’s like grammar in fine literature: it’s fine to break the rules, but best to have full command of them first.

Also Me, about DC comics: canon? Why yes, I have one over here! Isn’t it SHINY!? It sometimes fires bubbles. You also have a canon? Excellent! You know, I once knew a gal who had one that shot watermelons. What do you mean “official canon”? You want to know what I think about “real canon”? Dear child, don’t you know? Listen closely best-beloved and I shall tell you: all the canons are real here, and none of them are; only the matchbook of your heart can tell the difference.

[kawaiioni]

I wanted to be cringe and draw King Magnifico.. (not a redesign, just wanted to get him out of that ugly stank ass outfit of his, like do my man a favor)

Also, just a warning, a rant is in coming

Regarding Wish

I watched Wish a while back- and it's been on my mind since then. Now, you're probably asking yourself "wow! They must've liked this movie so much that they are still thinking of it," WRONG. This movie, singlehandedly, was the worst Disney film I have ever seen with my own two eyes..

How your movie gonna feel like a million things happened and nothing at the same time? How are you all flopping after making classic after classic? 

I know that a lot of Disney fans currently are claiming that the movie wasn't that bad, but by saying that.. you're still saying it had something bad in it and let's be honest, it was everything from music, art, story, etc.

I don't like being negative though, so let's talk about one thing that I did like.. that being King Magnifico. [The crowd boos]

Now, I hate to defend a man whose villain song made my ears bleed but I gotta— since through the whole story I was cheering for Homie. In a way, he had a point to fear who gets their wish granted but at the same time, it wasn't correct he was keeping them for himself, duh. This right here could have served us enough content to make an interesting premise, let's be honest.. wishing upon a star doesn't do shit, but in the same context.. let people still try to achieve their dreams. (The princess and the frog did this.) 

Overall, I wouldn't have minded all too much if they had redeemed Magnifico— his bad qualities which are having the biggest ego, being a narcissist, could have led to an interesting story where he learns to be more humble but at the same time, kind. Even then, being kind was something we saw him doing.. he carried a heavy burden of wanting to appease all of the kingdom goers. That in a way, it was hard not to feel sorry when he lowers the curtain to unveil a man who is accustomed to being used as a genie rather than being able to form meaningful connections with people.

In a way, his character (as well as everyone else's character in this movie) felt like wasted potential. If this is the way that every single original IP of Disney is going to be, then someone needs to pull the plug because I cannot sit through another Wish.

TLDNR: King Magnifico felt like he had multiple personality disorder in this film because it seemed like he was good then bad— but also, King Magnifico had a point and subsequently was then jumped on camera and ended up on world star.

[foxes-that-run]

loml

The title of this song refers to both love of my life and loss of my life. Harry's only track 13 is Love of My Life. Like Harry's LOML, loml is a song about letting a long held love go. Both are regretful of love lost but neither over it. As a song about a long museship the references to both Taylor and Harry's work is dense, so this post is long. A shorter TLDNR is here. The nature of the relationship Taylor is describing is one that should have a lot of references, and it does. Each chorus refers to a different song where Harry professed love.

The initial Spotify Canvas was of Taylor in a sweater looking emotional. After Fortnight was released it was replaced with Taylor and Post inside the Style-head reading Story of Us on the road. Taylor played loml once as a surprise song on piano in Paris, with Paris in the first show after their release on 9 May 2024.

Lyrics

[Verse 1] Who’s gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames If we know the steps anyway? We embroidered the memories of the time I was away Stitching, “We were just kids, babe”

The first verse establishes that Taylor is singing to an old muse at the end of a breakup, or false start. She refers to them being together in their youth, of wistful memories and that the love is irreplaceable. It is full of references:

Waltzing back into rekindled flames, Taylor refers to dance as a kind of subconscious action in several songs, this reminds me most closely of 'Dancing around it' in High Infidelity and 'Dancing is a dangerous thing' in Cowboy Like Me - where the dance is also tempting a romantic relationship, they know the steps - as in they have fallen into this before.

Embroidering memories touches on the Haylor theme of stitches. 'Away is in a lot of Taylor's songs. 'Taylor' embroiders in EHC and LK posted about embroidery after TTPD

'While I was away' reminds me of AYHTS "People like you always want back the love they gave away" and Midnight Ran's "the life I gave away" - a similar idea that she was absent.

Stitching 'We were just kids babe' is a reference to Patti Smith's Biography 'Just Kids' which is her memories about her time with fellow artist Robert Mapplethorpe who died of Aids. Taylor also refers to this time in Patti Smith's life in TTPD. Patti thanked Taylor for the callout with posting a photo of her reading Dylan Thomas' biography. This line establishes this muse is a fellow young artist who Taylor had an important relationship with when they were young. Taylor & Harry have likened themselves to famous couples

I said, “I don’t mind, it takes time” I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed I felt aglow like this Never before and never since

'I don't mind, it takes time', this idea is referred to in Peter also and other Haylor songs:

Run: Piece of paper where I wrote, “I’ll wait for you”

How You Get The Girl: I would wait forever and ever

“Slut!”: Everyone wants him, that was my crime, the wrong place at the right time

Say Don’t Go: The waiting is a sadness fading into madness

"I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed" - the prologue describes three muses, as does the Fortnight MV. One has celestial imagery that links to Satellite, such as stars, comets, orbit, planet and whole sky. Starry-eyed is in a few songs including:

CIWYW - Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night

Cowboy like me - Eyes full of stars

High Infidelity - Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eye

Better safe than starry eyed also reminds me of "How dare you think it's romantic / Leaving me safe and stranded" in Down Bad that refers to New Romantics "Please leave me stranded"

'Never felt aglow like this', 'never before and never since' is a glowing irreplaceable connection. Taylor described similar in:

This Love - This love is glowing in the dark

Question...? - Does it feel like everything's just like second best after that meteor strike?

[Chorus 1] If you know it in one glimpse, it’s legendary You and I go from one kiss to getting married Still alivе, killing time at the cemеtery Never quite buried

I knew from one glimpse, it was legendary, we go from one kiss to getting married is a reference to Holy Ground:

“Back to a first glance feeling on New York time/ Back when you fit my poems like a perfect rhyme/ Took off faster than a green light, go : Yeah, you skip the conversation when you already know”

A similar line is also in Glitch - "Five seconds later, I'm fastening myself to you with a stitch"

‘Still alive at the cemetery’ is similar to The 1: “In my defense, I have none / For digging up the grave another time” which in turn is a reference to the OOTW/LAWYMMD music video link where Taylor from the end of 1989 is Taylor at the start of the next video.

In your suit and tie, in the nick of time

‘In your suit and tie’ is dressed for a wedding. Arriving ‘in nick of time’ is the muse interrupting a wedding saying “don’t do this there’s still time!” Which Taylor said of Harry, when describing the muse of Style and 1989 Taylor said she expected this. Here she is saying she was fooling herself.

You low-down boy, you stand-up guy You Holy Ghost, you told me I’m the love of your life You said I’m the love of your life About a million times

“Low down boy; you stand up guy” is a person who has been in Taylor’s life since they were a boy (with a dirty mouth) who has grown to be a stand up guy. They are now grown but not with her.

Taylor then refers to Harry’s music, Holy Ghost refers to Two Ghosts and refers to Love of My Life by name. In which Harry says it 5 times, he’s performed it 102 times to around 700k fans, so yeah, a lot. Note it's “said” not “told me”.

[Verse 2] Who’s gonna tell me the truth when you blew in with the winds of fate And told me I reformed you? When your impressionist paintings of heaven turned out to be fakes

Taylor refers to truth often, but usually her telling or seeing a truth, But in the Alcott the muse tells her the truth and she says she she has fallen back in love with the muse. I imagine in Taylors life many do not tell the truth, but this muse can and does. Here Taylor asks if they will still tell the truth if they are together.

The muse told Taylor she reformed them. Harry says this in Stockholm Syndrome, that he "used to sing about being free but now he has changed his mind". On 13 May 2023 Harry added Stockholm Syndrome to the HSLOT set for the last 18 shows. A song he he wrote for Taylor when they were dating and had not performed since 2018.

The impressionist paintings may refer to the Two Ghosts music video, which was or became tour screens. (Thank you @notoriousbeb) The reference to fakes is where an overture of love did not come through.

Well, you took me to hell too And all at once, the ink bleeds A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme But I’ve felt a hole like this Never before and ever since

The second half of this verse links back to past writing to each other

'And all at once, the ink bleeds' I LOVE this line so much. It has a double meaning, the ink bleeds as Taylor writes music inspired by a museship that has featured in so much of her work. The ink bleeds like emotion bleeds as the bleeding love theme.

"A conman sells a fool a get love quick scheme" this line is dense:

In Why She Disappeared, the poem played before Getaway Car in the Reputation Stadium Tour included "Wary of phone calls and promises, Charmers, dandies and get-love-quick-schemes"

Harry and Taylor have referred to each other as robbers, thieves, cowboys and now a conman see thief theme

Harry and Taylor have both referred to themselves as a fool many times for being stuck on each other.

Never felt a hole like this before or since is crushing, it reminds me of Questions...?'s "Does it feel like everything's just like second-best after that Meteor strike?"

[Chorus 2] If you know it in one glimpse, it’s legendary What we thought was for all time was momentary Still alive, killing time at the cemetery Never quite buried You cinephile in black and white All those plot twists and dynamite Mr. Steal Your Girl, then make her cry You said I’m the love of your life

In the second chorus Taylor again refers to songs by Harry, but changes which ones:

Mr Steal Your Girl refers to One Directions Steal My Girl.

B&W Cinephile may refer to when Harry kept his Instagram B&W for 2 years from when 1989 was released with the line 'the rest of the world was in screaming color' it may also refer to the Treat People With Kindness music video in B&W and widescreen. Harry is also a cinephile, both in being a fan of cinema and appearing in more recent films than her actor partner at the time.

[Bridge] You shit-talked me under the table Talking rings and talking cradles I wish I could un-recall How we almost had it all Dancing phantoms on the terrace Are they second-hand embarrassed That I can’t get out of bed ‘Cause something counterfeit’s dead? It was legendary It was momentary It was unnecessary Should’ve let it stay buried

Taylor acts this lyric out in fortnight in the eras tour.

Shit-talking can mean either disparaging remarks or saying something untrue and going on about it. Talking, (or drinking) someone under the table is doing so in excess. So I take this first line 'shit-talked me under the table' to mean the muse went on saying untrue things for ages, in the context of the rest of the verse I think that is making statements of love they were not yet willing to follow through on.

Taylor sees they were so close, a similar line is in TTPD there is a similar line of 'litany of reasons we could have played for keeps this time' Taylors muse has professed love and that they are endgame but not followed through.

In the Only Angel Demo Harry sang "I must admit I married you a thousand times. Had to change my tune when I found out what it'd be like."

Counterfeit is also in Glitch "It must be counterfeit, I think there's been a glitch"

The shit-talk is rings and cradles, in a time that Taylor was disappointed a long term relationship ended another long term muse flirted with settling down but did not. Harry wore the Peace Ring and Haylor ring for years, they seemed as possible promise rings which these lines remind me of. As do songs of both which may refer to the other. The Haylor ring is featured in merchandise for TTPD and Taylor wears it in the Fortnight Music Video so it is likely this ring.

[Final Chorus] Oh, what a valiant roar What a bland goodbye The coward claimed he was a lion I’m combing through the braids of lies “I’ll never leave,” “Never mind” Our field of dreams engulfed in fire Your arson’s match, your somber eyes And I’ll still see it until I die You’re the loss of my life

The final chorus reads as a bitter disappointment of Taylors muse has meekly said they will not be with her.

Stockholm Syndrome - which Harry readded to his setlist 13 March 2023 (gone since 2018) has the line "Baby, I'll never leave if you keep holding me this way, oh o-oh" Here Taylor has compared it to what looks like a goodbye statement from someone who doesn't want to talk about it.

It is the loss of Taylor's life, one she felt at the time of writing this song was not one she would get over.

Valiant Roar

The 'valiant roar' is likely a reference to Harry's Gucci Lion ring which he has worn since 2018 and briefly lost in April 2022 at Coachella. It attracted a lot of attention until it's return when it was learned it has an inscription of 'second time's the charm'. Taylor also wore a Gucci Lion ring at Electric Lady Studios on 12 April 2023 (before heading to Florida). At that time the 1975 were in Australia and Harry was in the US after a golf tournament in Augusta. This line also reminds me of this scene in DWD which OW described as a 'primal roar' to Rolling Stone in 2022.

[tulpafcker]

ummmmm musings about the ghost trick ending, under the cut because yknow. spoilers. tldnr i am not The Biggest Fan of the ending; i love the game and always will but i dont think the ending stuck the landing

and no i am not talking about the cat reveal. that was fire

so like, in the good timeline.... everyone's super happy and stuff, and yomiel was in prison for those 10 years instead of being dead, and sissel now lives with jowd

and i. well first i have some thoughts about yomiel being in prison being the good ending because yeah, he wants to atone for what he did, but jowd also wanted that and everyone around him worked together to make sure he didn't do that. or is the difference that yomiel actually did the thing he thought he did?

also, prison is not exactly like... The Best place to be. there are a lot of problems with prison, most notably the isolation that comes with it. especially since yomiel seems to be the only prisoner there, and yeah sissel (fiancsissel) visits him, but are they allowed to hug? or is it one of those prisons that makes you do the phone-call-thru-plexiglass thing. and i dunno man, it just kind of sucks that yomiel went thru 10 years of isolation and then had to go thru 10 years of different slightly less bad isolation

but fine. whatever. what ever! its fine.

but.... the whole climactic moment was how sissel (cat sissel) loved yomiel so much. how they literally WERE each other for years, how sissel was yomiel's only compaion, and how yomiel was sissel's. they were each other's only friends. sissel wanted so badly to help yomiel- and he did! i'm not saying he didn't!

im just saying, like, it feels a bit wrong that he ends up with jowd's family and is just content to be a part of a family, any family, with no real mention of yomiel. like it kind of makes the emotional climax of the game hit a little less hard, knowing sissel doesnt seem to miss yomiel and is just fine living with a different family

but thats just meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[novankenn]

I gotta ask, where do you find your inspiration for your creative writing? I find your style very endearing and easy to read, but doesn't sacrifice complexity. It's rather enjoyable 😁

Thank you. It's really great to hear that someone is getting enjoyment from my works.

My style... I think it just developed from mainly writing and being an avid reader, and I read a lot (novels, smut, and fan-fiction). Then later in life several of my previous jobs required writing funding proposals and reports, where you had to detail things out in a concise, but easily to follow way (in order to get money or keep it).

I do FEEL though the biggest influence on how my writing has developed was me taking the chance and posting works on Fanfiction.net. I took the advice of reviewers, and watched what stories people were reading. I started not being afraid of trying new things, and took the feedback presented even if negative as tips on how to improve, be it through word choice, plot structure, etc. I will point out... I LOVE feed back... even if it is negative and pointing out flaws in my style, technique, theme, characters, plot, etc... all I ask is you be civil.

So I think it's mainly due to just constantly practicing and trying new tactics/themes. (I know clear as mud)

Generally I feel the flow of my prose comes easily due to the way I write. I am absolutely terrible at the whole plotting thing. (I am working on it) and because of that I write quite a lot of my stuff as "stream on conciseness"... I write as I'm imagining the story, and just going with the flow.

My ideas and inspiration is a little more easy to quantify. I have a VERY active imagination, and also considering I am certifiable (I have Bipolar 2)... things just jump into my head, and I run with them. For Example : "Things Best Left... ALONE" came from me looking for an anime to watch and seeing one titles "Bottle Fairies", and I was like that's neat (I have yet to watch it) and then I remembered a short story from a Fantasy Anthology about a boy who catches a fairy. In that story fairies were not cute little Tinkerbells... they were vicious... and long story short the ending has the fairies escaping during the night... and the boy being very afraid due to fairies having "very sharp teeth".

I feel I should also point out... I prefer my fantasy worlds to the real one, and this has been a large part of my whole life, from when I was a child until now.

Plus... I tend to write things I have had experience inor dealing with... at least when it comes to feelings. I have TBH tried to commit suicide several times (which is one of the reasons I put so much in my writing... it helps me through those dark times), so I know what depression FEELS like. I also spent 20 years trying to make a life with a partner that had a severe alcohol addiction.

And that was a long ramble. TLDNR ... I'm a mess, and I'm just lucky to have a talent at stringing words together. LOL, not really.

My advice to ANYONE who wants to write, draw, paint, carve, do pottery... just do it. The more you do, the more your style will develop. So what if someone doesn't like your stuff... if they offer CONSTRUCTIVE feedback on what you can improve on... take it. If there being assholes... ignore them. But you HAVE to be willing if you want to develop as an artist, to fail, and to succeed.

But most of all... do it for yourself. I write stuff I wouldn't mind reading if someone else published it.

I hope somehow I have answered you ask... I have a feeling I kind of went around what you wanted... so feel free to hit me again if I missed the mark or if you want more information.

THANK YOU for taking the time to submit this ask.

[hobbitkiller]

Lot of people sure feel super confident making declarative statements about the rules and relationships of characters they didn’t create in a fictional world they didn’t create for a show that hasn’t even finished its first season. Heck, I’ve probably done it.

So, friendly reminder that our interpretations, predictions, theories, and vibes are not, in fact, canon, nor are those of fan-made wikis, YouTube theorists, or Reddit. Even canon can be tweaked at the whim of creators, something George Lucas himself is infamous for doing. This is a 45+ year old fandom that has featured dozens of creators and influences. I don’t even know if we could say Lucas is THE authority anymore.

TLDNR: Your interpretation of a text is valid, but is not irrefutable fact.

Edit to add: Also, canon is not the be all, end all. Fan fiction exists for a reason. If your ship doesn’t become canon, it’s no less valid. If it does, it’s no more valid.

[screechingcollectivechorus]

Rant warning

Topic media literacy, capitalism , this infographic/article:

For context, Google news has figured out that I really like to click on articles with good data visualisations. I just love a meaningful representation of the distribution of anything on a national or global scale, because it's so hard for us to wrap our heads around things at that scale. The visual capitalist puts out tons of these. And a lot of them are good.

But, the challenge here is not only reading the data, to gain a better understanding of what's going on in the world, but figuring out why someone made the graphic in the first place, and then trying to remove their bias to get at the actual valuable information the data gives us.

In this case the initial grab at your attention remotes on the term "family businesses" which we tend to associate with "small business", which everyone agrees is a very good thing. The one jerk after that is "India has the most family businesses, and the US (relevant to me) is doing better than I would have guessed. Then you read the words and numbers and realize that these are some of the biggest and worst companies in the world.

Looking into the article, the author even acknowledged this. They don't say the companies are bad or point out other implications, beyond their economic influence. The articles point is pretty light politically, but valuable for like an investor or someone of that sort.

But, I think it's important to note the impact of their approach. They know that 99% of people's interactions will stop at the first step. "small business is strong, and India is winning at it, but, the US is doing okay". The only people who will go further are the ones who noticed the distribution in wording. We can then read the article and find that out concerns are acknowledged. But the damage is done.

Now for the useful data. The article highlights the amount of wealth and impact that these families have. It presents that as useful investing data. But, I'm person who supports small business, and the value of the average citizen (read socialist). To me it's more useful in understanding where the real wealth hoarding, population subjugating capitalists are. In my opinion, massive family owned businesses, are really the heart of modern oligarchy. You can disagree. But, the article points out that they control more than a quarter of private wealth globally, and far more in the fastest developing markets in the world.

The data in this article is especially valuable to me because family owned businesses are a bit stealthy on the global stage. We get lists and headlines about the richest INDIVIDUALS in the world. But, a large family that's owned one of the largest companies in their country for generations can have far more wealth than the richest individual in that country, without any given family member it showing up on Forbes. What's more, they can have horrendous business practices without their names showing up in headlines, because the company name is more succinct.

This article highlights an Indian family who owns more than 5% of their countries GDP. It also mentions the amount of Us GDP that's owned by family businesses, before giving a short list of the largest ones, without further detail. I could do some quick googling and math to drive my personal views home. But that's not actually the point of this post.

The point is that every article is written with a purpose. Every piece of data is valuable. We all need to learn to look at data from whatever source is presented to us, find the intended purpose of it, even if it's presented as unbiased, peel back the bias, and take the real information. Then, we can start to see the real picture and form our own opinions!

TLDNR: This graphic wants you to think small business is doing well. But, the data inside really says that a few rich people control everything.

[danglovely]

Regrading Taskmaster: S05E08 Their water's so delicious. and Series Five Winner.

*Score changes noted in parenthesis.

Goodbye Series Five, you will be missed. Also, I think I may get a bit too verbose, so feel free to TLDNR.

Prize Task: The Most Awkward Item For Somebody Else To Take Home

I gotta say that there are some A+ submissions in this one. Bob goes for a pretty baseline political joke which I would describe as uninspired. Sally bringing in balloons creates a fun thing to do on the stage at the end of the episode and I do appreciate that. However, Nish and Mark are the tops here. A bathroom would be harder to get home than a bunch of curry.

Aisling: 2 Bob: 1 Mark: 5 Nish: 4 Sally: 3

VT 01: Get this coconut as far from here as possible. You may not touch the ground. You may not step on anything more than once. The coconut may not travel by car.

There's a list of restricted items you can send to Fiji.

This is interesting because "the ground" can mean different things in different contexts. One could imagine a game of "The Floor is Lava" where stepping on the carpet might not feel like it's in the spirit of things.

Alex breaks it down in studio by explaining that it is okay for him to step on the carpet, but when he leaves it he can't return. I think I get the heart of what he's going for, but it's a messy rule. Nish appears to shuffle his feet a bunch of times on the carpet, but Mark is the only one who gets disqualified.

There's another question in whether you measure the maximum distance the coconut ever got from the living room or just where it ended up at the end of the task. It really doesn't feel like Sally got her coconut to the post office in the allotted time (especially since it couldn't travel by car).

Furthermore, Alex said Aisling got it further than Bob but for some reason Bob got 4 points.

All this said, there are so many problems here that I think I have two choices: (1) Defer to the original scoring. (2) Completely discredit the task. Seeing as this task never seemed particularly controversial, I'll defer to the original scoring but switch Bob and Aisling.

Aisling: 4 (+1) Bob: 3 (-1) Mark: DQ Nish: 2 Sally: 5

VT 02: Create the best graph.

I'll fill his boat with piss.

What constitutes the best graph? The most important factors would probably be interesting subject matter, accuracy, and ease of comprehensibility.

Nish's graph is easy to understand -- spending time with him is fun at a 1:1 ratio . . . although who knows what units of fun are measured in. It's also clever because he uses himself as the y-axis and makes the thing vertically. It's not a particularly interesting subject, but it's fine.

The point Mark is trying to make is that individual politics is an incredibly small factor when held up against the vastness of eternity. I believe it's supposed to be a bar graph, but the scale is intentionally done poorly to help effectuate the point so I'm not sure. It's kind of ambiguous what the y-axis is measuring (there's a percentage symbol, but percentage of what?). Greg dismisses it because he immediately forgot the subject matter and I am in agreement that it wasn't an amazing effort.

Sally's graph compares how much sex she gets versus how much sex she wants over the course of time. It's easy to understand and I would be bold enough to say it's interesting subject matter. The only downside is that she builds it out of a variety of different objects, so it's not very pretty.

Aisling's graph is attempting to compare the number of women and men on Taskmaster by series. The data is pretty easy to visualize, even without a graph: 1/5, 1/5, 1/5, 2/5, 2/5. Lots of problems here. The lines shouldn't start at zero (unless we're including Edenborough as Series Zero), the show didn't begin with more women than men in the cast, and the lines should be flat for the first three series then adjust beginning with Series Four. This is an easy last place.

Bob does a bar graph of units of piss by county. I can't verify it's accuracy, so I'm giving it five.

Aisling: 1 (-2) Bob: 5 (+1) Mark: 2 (-1) Nish: 4 (-1) Sally: 3 (0)

Solo Task: Make the most fish puns.

I just thought you were bad at speaking.

I almost want to give Sally a point for the unfairness of it all. Alex did not make his puns in a minute, he made them over the course of days. No points for either of them.

Sally: 0 Alex: 0 (-5)

VT 04: Write and perform a song about this woman.

Do we strike you?

This is an obvious contender for the best task in the entire show. I think the opinions on this one are pretty well settled. The team of three writes a very funny and unhinged song, but Mark and Nish absolutely knock it out of the park. Greg was still splitting points here so the team of two somehow only get three for the best creative work anyone has produced on the show.

I really really want to give them five, but absent a disqualification four is the maximum.

Aisling, Bob & Sally: 1 (-1) Mark and Nish: 4 (+1)

Live Task: Throw the egg through the hoop and catch it as many times as possible. You may not touch the net or post.

This looks pretty straightforward.

Alex blowing the whistle and Nish immediately losing his egg is the funniest, most predictable thing ever. For some reason Aisling starts the task standing on the base of her hoop, so she definitely touched it. By the end, Bob is the only one who pulls off a successful throw and catch.

As unfair as it seems, logistically the other four contestants should probably be put into joint second. Aisling should be disqualified, but I read this one as disqualification stopping score accumulation rather than outright losing you the task.

Aisling: 4 (+4) Bob: 5 (0) Mark: 4 (+4) Nish: 4 (+4) Sally: 4 (0)

F I N A L

Aisling: 12 (+2) Bob: 15 (-1) Mark: 15 (+4) Nish: 18 (+4) Sally: 16 (-1)

Oh my god, I gave Nish a win.

S E R I E S F I N A L

Aisling: 119 (-7) Bob: 125 (-13) Mark: 129 (-1) Nish: 115 (+8) Sally: 124 (-6)

I triple checked my math because I in no way thought I'd have Mark beating Bob. I think it ultimately boiled down to evaluating what he did objectively whereas Greg enjoyed randomly docking him for laughs. Even so, I was pretty sure Bob was going to win so this is a stunner.

In the end, I gave Nish two more episode wins than he had in the real show. Aisling never ended up getting one (losing that tiebreaker with Mark hurts).

With that, I can say goodbye to Series Five. Series Six is next and it's worse, but I won't let that stop me. If I end up doing a regrade of Champion of Champions, it'd likely be after everything else. It's taken me six months to get through five seasons and they get longer from here, so it'll be interesting to see if I'm still plugging away at it by then.

Anyway, having gotten through five seasons, my version of Champion of Champions would have been Josh, Richard, Dave, Hugh, and Mark. I'd honestly say we're better off with the cast that we got.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Hiiiii!

So Wa-sama, may I ask 15- rank the methods of death: freezing, burning, drowning and 20- favorite disney princess movie?

hiii!! :3

alright so for 15, i actually know quite a bit about various types of death and how they feel, so i'm gonna rank them on a scale of most favorable to least favorable

first up is freezing- there's a reason its used for humane euthanasia of small animals (i.e., mice, bees that beekepers have, those invasive moth things.) you just kinda,,, drift off at the end; any frostbite will be numb and at the end you kind of start to feel warm again (fun facts: if youre stranded somewheere cold and you feel absolutely freezing then out of nowhere start to heat up DONT TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF its one of god's little tricks and you will die)

next is drowning- it's scary. you're gonna be scared. it's gonna suck, especially the actual suffocating part. but look on the bright side, the brain can only last 1-3 minutes without oxygen! so it wont be as bad, hell- maybe you'll pass out before then. it's not the best outcome but its not the worst. its kinda one of those "i dislike you but i dont HATE you" kinda murders, plus you can speed away on your yacht after you push the fucker off if the sound of human suffering isnt your thing (you... DO have a yacht, right? otherwise your ass is not getting away with this)

finally is burning- burning has been consistently ranked as one of the worst ways to die, bar none. your eyes will melt out of your skull while you're still conscious. you'll feel yourself choking on the smoke and your entire nervous system screaming out in agony. it'll take its sweet time killing you, too. this is the kind of thing you do to someone thats like, wronged you in an unforgivable, irreversible way. the john wick of killings

tldnr:

freezing- for that insect thats definitely going to die but you feel bad for it and want to put it out of its misery quick

drowning- they suck but if someone interrupted your revenge plan you wouldnt be too torn up about it

burning: [muscle man voice] MY MOM

also my favorite disney princess movie is mulan!!! ^^

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

The story of how I got disabled.

 For those that don’t know me that well.. (Or maybe just for myself, to keep my story clear.. or to overshare.. or to break the silence..)

I am currently 24 and have graduated from university about half a year ago; chemistry mayor.  (Oh, and I am actually Dutch.. So I may mess up my sentences every now and then..)

I have done my master’s degree at another university than where I started off during my bachelor’s, because of reasons that will soon become clear.

Even though I have successfully obtained my master’s degree in chemistry with special notes to my practical skills, I still am having quite serious issues over what I am about to tell you.

I am visually impaired, probably roughly on the edge of legal blindness, but since we don’t use the same notations in my country as basically anywhere else, I have no way of knowing if that assumption is correct. (But if the system works as I have ‘interpreted’ in, my vision is below 20:200..)

Also, I have always been sort of against calling myself ‘disabled’-> I am perfectly able of basically anything a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ person is capable of.

(Well, sure there are some exceptions, like, I would not be able to drive a car.. But cars are overrated anyway so 😊)

I can hear you asking: ‘why is this even relevant? You seem to be doing perfectly fine, having your master’s degree and all?’ – Indeed, why would it be?

—————————

So here comes a recap of the first of two Facebook posts that have become even more relevant as time passes me by..(Okay, actually it has become more of a rough translation, because I don’t like leaving stuff out..):

‘From ten to zero’ (Posted on November 10th, 2015)

The post started with a general apology for all the drama that was about to unfold, sort of admitting that I just needed to share what had been going on, for I couldn’t deal with it on my own.

Before I proceed with this recap, I want to add that during this period in my life, I have had a lot of support from friends, family and more; I don’t think I have ever felt as much love and care as I have during this period – Dear everyone, I probably wouldn’t still be here without you. (Yeah, I may have stated stuff like that before, but I can assure you that it’s heartfelt.. And I am not ashamed to admit that.)

When I wrote the post, I was in my third year of the bachelor’s. I was participating in a special minor from biopharmaceutical sciences, that was mainly focused on medical chemistry. I had chosen this minor because it included a course called ‘bio-organic synthesis’-> my life’s passion.

Before I even know about organic chemistry, stuff like that had always interested me very much and I wanted to ‘become a researcher.’ During my bacherlor’s, I found out about organic chemistry and the possibility of doing a PhD -> quite the motivator! (No, but really.. I actually put a lot of work in more courses, especially the ones I was interested n.)

Even though I have never been a ‘straight-A student,’ I definitely had potential to do a PhD. (But more about that later.. Because holy shit, let’s not derail the story into a wibbly wobbly timey wimey chaotic mess just yet.)

Okay, so back to this minor, or perhaps first some more background..

Even though I don’t like to focus on my disability, it has probably sort of always played an undeniable role in my life. Growing up ‘different’ is though. It always is. Especially when people can see something is wrong with you, even though you don’t see that yourself. (Hah! - Wait, was that the first pun? We’re what, roughly 600 words in the story? Damn, I must be really off today..)

Anyway, for all my life, I have been pushing myself to do everything as normal as possible. Normal primary school, normal secondary school, normal high-school. Sure, I walked up to the blackboard as a kid, and had special binoculars to read the board in high-school.. But that’s just the way things were – no harm in that, right? (I mean, I am not even sure who I am trying to convince here.. Is it you.. or me?)

There are a few reasons as to why I have always pursuit a ‘normal’ life.

First of all, I hate being labelled or stigmatized. My disability may make me do some things a little differently; but it does not make less (capable) than anyone else.

Secondly, which is actually linked to what I stated above; fuck stigmatization, Really, fuck that shit. I guess I have just always felt moved by the way the world works and the way society has its ways of putting down those that are different in any way. – Yes, this goes much further than just my stupid eye disability..

As a kid I wanted to become a super-hero.

During my teens, I guess, I figured that that actually was possible in a way.

By just ‘making it’- I thought - I could set an example to others; don’t let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do or who you can or cannot be, because you can do or become anything or anyone you set your mind to.

And I was well on my way of doing so. – Oh, did I shine brightly as I aced my synthetic organic chemistry final.. My one and only 10/10, all perfect score.. on university level.

This theoretical synthetic organic chemistry course was one of the two main reasons I had chosen to do this minor.

The other one, perhaps needless to say, was a practical bio-organic chemistry course given by a man called R.. During my first year at uni, we had had an argument and I felt like he sort of hated my guts.. So, I wasn’t too happy to see he would give the course. But at the same time, he didn’t seem that bad at the time I was applying for the minor. He had seen the way I worked hard for my organic chemistry courses (he assisted in the previous organic chemistry course, on which I scored 9/10..)

Before even applying to the minor, (say it was in June..) I had also spoken to him about the fact I wanted to do the course, especially because I also wanted to do my bachelor thesis in organic chemistry, (then my master.. etc..)

The only reason I sort of ‘asked for permission’ is because I have always done so. I have always been open about the fact I am visually impaired, just to make sure people know in advance. – I mean, maybe if things are out in the open, people won’t feel the need to stigmatize me so much?

R. had seen me do practical work in the first year, and he didn’t see any reason of why I couldn’t join the course. However, he did advise me to also do a computational course (rather than another practical one), just to let me try that as well.

As a bit of yet another extra layer of background, before I even joined the study itself, I have spoken with several people about all of this -> my disability and the possibilities. One conversation I can remember was with a woman called A. (some sort of study advisor.) She was very, very positive and told me she was fully confident I would do great. But, if there would be any trouble, I just have to tell her, and she would help me find a way to work around it. – I never felt the need to. You see, I have done several practical courses, all of which I passed. Sometimes barely, but that had more to do with my writing skills.. (Really, my outstanding practical skills have actually saved my grades, more than once.)

So, back to the story..

Somewhere around the end of September, I went to speak to R.. In our conversation a few months earlier (the one where I sort of asked him permission to join ‘his’ course in December) he had also said he thought it would be best if I worked together with someone during the practical course. Because I was determined to pursue a carrier in organic synthesis, I wanted to tell him that I’d rather do the course alone – to truly test my own capability. (I was pretty sure I could pull it off, otherwise I would of course not have asked, but say, as a final confirmation.)

It didn’t come to that. He started the conversation with saying ‘that there had been a problem…’ He told me that there was a chance I was no longer allowed to work on the ab, because of ‘insurance reasons’ – if I were to cause an accident, the insurance wouldn’t pay because of my disability. (The fact my disability makes me extra aware of safety and work extra securely wasn’t even considered..)

After our conversation, R. told me he was going to figure out the depths of it. He told me he was going to discuss this with all people involved, because everyone knew me as a motivated and capable student.

I thanked him nevertheless, not wanting to ‘shoot the messenger’..

Roughly a month passed, a month of silence. I could feel myself slipping down again.. Yet, I was able to hold on the hope that this had all be some sort of misunderstanding. (Also, just a month before this, I had gotten my first tattoo, which made me feel pretty powerful. Oh, silly me.. I still sometimes feel like I have jinxed it all by raising my chin like that.. >.> - Ah well, let’s no go there again, for once, let’s just not.. </3)

Fun fact, the synthetic organic chemistry course was also in this month. I t was a rough month, but I fucking aced it. And that was what I needed; extra proof of my determination. So I e-mailed R., who told me to talk to the SOC professor (the dean of the research group at which the practical course was going to be held – nice guy btw; he was still on my side and may even have remained on my side till the end..)

After being sent back and forth in e-mails between R. and that professor a few times, I talked a bit in real life with the SOC professor and he told me that it would be best if I went to see R. next Monday.

On November 9, 2015 (which was my 21th birthday) I went to have a nice and cozy talk with my bestest friend R.. (He truly is the most tactful and sympathetic man on this planet! God, I love him like I would love having my nails ripped off, well, actually I would have preferred that over this bullshit..)

He started off with saying he didn’t really have time, so he’d keep it short.

With a grin, he told me that: ‘He actually isn’t supposed to tell me what he would be so glad to tell me..’ (because he had yet to discuss it with P., the dean of the study.) I can’t remember what I asked in that brief moment of hope..

‘But it’s not looking good for you!’ – Without any space for me to think or truly speak, the conversation shifted towards the fact that I had to go and talk to A. (the study adviser) and P. (the study dean) to see what my options were to even finish my bachelor’s.. Because sure as hell was I never going to be able to do my bachelor’s thesis at ‘his’ group, not even to speak of my master’s..

The whole ordeal didn’t take much more than 5 minutes. I remember running off to the restroom as fast as I could. Never before had my make-up been smudged all the way down to my chin. (If that doesn’t paint a clear picture, I don’t know what will.)

I was really fucking heartbroken. All I had worked for got crushed like it was nothing. Did it all mean so little?

I remember being really confused a well. How did this happen? And why did this happen now? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this before?

And most importantly.. Who caused this?

‘I tried so hard and got so far.. Just to be shoved away again.

I know I have to move on, to take a different direction perhaps. To figure out a way to finish my studies nevertheless – when one door closes..

Sigh, I know I shouldn’t let this get in my way.. but right now, I just can’t..

How is one supposed to act once one’s dream gets shattered?’

—————————

Next will be the ‘recap’ of the second post, almost a year after the first. I regret not writing more in between these two posts.. But that was just because all my efforts were wasted. Just believe me when I say that I have talked with a lot of people and done basically anything in my power to figure out how things got to be the way they were. During the time in between these two posts I managed to finish my bachelor’s degree at ‘another’ university. (My luck, the educational track was shared by two universities, so I ‘simply’ hopped to the other university.. Which actually wasn’t simple, but that story is not relevant at this point.)

‘Never cross the heart’ (Posted somewhere in October 2016)

The truth; prepare for drama.

The Thursday before I wrote this post, I had been to my bachelor’s graduation ceremony. I didn’t want to go there at all, but since it was not just my ceremony but also that of my husband, we decided to go after all. (We had been asked to hand in a personal PowerPoint slide and actually decided to hand in one together, since we had gotten married that year – they didn’t bother to even mention it..)

Anyway, during that time, I had started my master’s degree at a university in Amsterdam (2-hour travel from my home..) and felt really depressed. Getting out of bed felt like a life sentence – and that was just the start of the day. Everything felt pretty fucking pointless, I mean, why even try? The whole situation at my old uni was troubling me a lot. It didn’t matter that I had provided myself with a new start; I was broken, so fucking broken. What’s the point of trying to fight a system build on ignorance and stigmatization? – I felt like I could trust no one, that even though I was given a fair chance, it would probably be taken from me again.

Even though I knew deep down that the system was just fucked, I was filled with self-loathing. ‘I mean, they were right, right? I am legally blind, who am I fooling? I shouldn’t be trying stuff like this, I am never going to be good enough. What if they were actually just trying to protect me?’ – The lies we tell ourselves..

Anyway, back to the ceremony..

We had intended to go there and just fake through it all. Just shine on and make them regret sending me away. However, hehe, I am not a fake. (Oh and trust me, I tried. I even decided not to wear my necklace, just as a way of accepting the fake fuck I planned to be.. – Oh sweet irony.)

All the stuff that had been building up in the past year.. All these unanswered questions, all the powerlessness..

The exact moment when I had to collect my degree and smile for my dad to take a picture, I couldn’t hold my tears no more..

Not wanting to make a scene, I hid my face and just sat down in order to let the further ceremony proceed as planned.

At this point, I think it’s time for some more background. During this past year, I had spoken to a lot of different people about the whole situation. I even went as far as going the university’s ombudsman.. ..who was going to help me.. ..empty words.. (I don’t think the story is relevant at this point; let’s just say he probably didn’t want this all to get out in the open because that would make a bad name for the university.. Or at least, that’s the impression I got from the way he acted,, It’s much more complicated. Ugh..)

I also went to see P., the dean of the bachelor’s study a few times. He did ‘help me’ with arranging things to get to finish my bachelor’s at the other university, but that was all he did – and probably just because I was actually a good student so me graduating without a delay would be good for his statistics. – More about him later.

 I had also spoken to A. a lot about this whole ordeal. I actually trusted her, so I had also talked to her about some personal issues that had also been going on around that time. She seemed to really want to help me, yet she couldn’t help me figure out who had caused all this or the reason why.. I remember asking her if it would be possible for R. (from before) to have anything to do with this, for he was the one that told me there was ‘a problem’ in the first place.. But she almost violently denied that. She was absolutely sure, because, she told me, R. is usually the one to help students who are struggling to pass classes or get stuff arranged. – I believed her, sort of feeling guilty to let my own prejudice, my personal issues towards the man lead me to such foundationless conclusions.

I had also spoken to the dean of the master’s study, L. This is not really relevant to this story, but I do not want to leave it out because this specific conversation actually still haunts me to this day.

I went to see her to talk about the possibilities of doing my master’s at that university (the one I also did my bachelor’s.) L. knew me, she had actually given one of the courses I had taken (and passed nicely.)

In the conversation, she made up all sorts of comparisons as to why she would deny me from doing the master’s. Before all of this, I was the first visually impaired student they had ever seen at this study. But at this point, I suddenly wasn’t. For example, she had had another visually impaired student that had to stick her head in the fume hood to measure things. (I am still not sure this is even true, because someone with that little common sense would probably not even able to finish high-school..) Either way, the way she told me this was more as an attack than just information. She also told me that there was another student in her masters, and all her experiments failed. (Assuming it was due to her disability.. Experiments sometimes just fail, you know?)

To finish off what was left of my self-esteem, one of the last things she said to me was: ‘You are just trying to deny you are disabled.’ – I can’t even.

I think this is one of the most hurtful things someone has ever said to me. Especially during a period in my life where I was finally sort of accepting who I was and be open about everything..

..Enough about that.

To summarize it all, one thing became clear over time: nobody had my back. The general attitude towards me had shifted from ‘that one talented and motivated student’ to ‘the stupid disabled kid that is going to get us in trouble..’ Basically, all they were doing was trying to save themselves and each other. Again, I regret not have written down more about all the conversations I have had, because that would make this all more believable.

Because yes, I sometimes, most of the time, feel like a fraud. That is must be all in my head, that I must not be so negative, that not everyone is out to get me, etc.. – Yes, not everyone is out to get me, there are a lot of loving caring people out there, but not those pieces of shit that were involved in this. (There were some people at my old university that would probably have loved to help me.. But no-one likes to risk it all for just some student, and I can understand that..)

Anyway, back to the story..

After the ceremony, there were free drinks. (Ah, drinking! Another habit I had picked up that year..)

As we (my husband, parents and me) were standing there with our drinks, A. (the study adviser from before) walked up to me; ‘Ahhhhh, congratulations! How are youuuu? How is Ansterdaaaam?’ (I had specifically told her it was a secret that I was going to do my masters in Amsterdam, because I didn’t want anyone to ruin that for me.. But what to expect? Spineless cunt..)

With a clear face and calm tone, I told her that it was hard for me to focus on my studies, considering all the stuff that ha happened to me. She said something like: ‘Oh, that’s a shame.’ And walked off.

I felt pretty proud of myself for shaking her off like that, not making a scene, etc. I even remember ‘bragging’ about that to my husband and parents, and probably getting a ‘pad on the back’ for that. – and trust me, I felt it. I really did not want to make a scene. I truly wanted to leave it all behind me and move on..

Until M., (the new study’s dean who was completely oblivious to this whole situation..) walked u to me to have a little chat. This poor woman probably just wanted to meet me or do some chit-chat.. She got the full blow.

I told her all about what had happened the past year, how I felt depressed, and how just knew I needed to know the whole truth in order to move on with my life.. Obviously, P. (the other dean) noticed something was going on and joined the conversation. I could clearly notice I was not the only one no longer being able to control my emotions. P. got really irritated, telling me they had tried everything but couldn’t help me with unraveling the truth.

After some more of the ‘I need closure’- ‘We can’t give you these answers you are looking for’ drama, M. proposed to have a closer look at the whole situation. Based on something A. had told me before, she suggested to contact J. (some professor with a high function in the whole education thing, A. had suggested in the past that he may have had something to do with it..)

But since my part in this had started with the conversations with R., I proposed it would perhaps be best to ask him once more. Not to shoot the message, but just to start at the beginning of the source.

M. proposed to e-mail R. next week – I didn’t want to wait that long, so we decided to check if he was in the building and just meet face to face.

Long story short, he was in the building and we went to pay him a visit.

I told him about what had happened today, and how we basically wanted to ask him once more what he knew, since he was the one that told me there was a problem in the first place. I asked him if he had any who had started all of this.

With a straight face, he directly admitted that he was the one that had started this. His reason behind this was that he simply didn’t want to take responsibility for me during the bio-organic synthesis practical course or anything related to that, ‘because he wouldn’t be able to guarantee my safety.’ (He did get defensive though, stating J. was the one to eventually ‘seal the decision’ - which was of course completely irrelevant, like, anyone could ‘agree’ with any statement produced by someone with influence..)

Of course, I asked him why he had decided all of this at this point, and not before or during the time I was signing up for the course. He simply replied with: ‘I didn’t know your vision is only 0.15’ (actually, it’s even less but okay..) I replied with something like: ‘What does such a number even say? It might as well had been 0.25, 0.35 or 0.55..’ – He shut me off, stating my argument was going nowhere.

Then, I told him it simple didn’t make any sense. He had known (about) me since day one, and actually co-supervised one of my very first practical courses. He knew exactly how good or bad my vision was and what he could expect from me, working on the lab. (Really, nothing out of the ordinary there..)

Mockingly, and with a somewhat arrogant voice he said: ‘Oh, yes, I know you all too well.’ Then, he started stating some bullshit about how he had seen me work, and how my ways were just unacceptable for an organic chemist. (Like for example standing too close to a rotary evaporator.)

I told him that we are students for a reason, that we are there to learn. I was even able to come up with something that happened between us during that first practical course. How I made some (non-sight related) rooky mistake, and how he had told me that I had to do it differently – and so I did. (He didn’t actually tell me, he been growling at me since day one.. Not just at me btw..)

Again, he cut me off, stating that he could name a dozen things more, but to which he wouldn’t go into further argument over.

He also started another bullshit story about how I have always had been given a special treatment, such as working together with a partner.

I told him this wasn’t true, because everyone was teamed up with a partner during these first few practical courses. – He shut me off, stating ‘he knew for sure how HIS practical courses were.’

Eventually, my dad tried to intervene, to which R. got irritated, stating how he was through with being cussed at – he told us to leave. (Who exactly cussed at who?)

As we left the room, with a lot of irritation in my tone, I gave him the kind advice not to crush people’s dreams in less than 5 minutes (on their birthday) next time. And to maybe look after your students some more after dropping such bad news on them.

Obviously, this too got ignored. As well as all other signs of emotion, both verbally and non-verbally during all the conversations we had had.

A few moments later, as we walked down the hallway, I had a mental breakdown. I have said some things in front of my husband and parents I am not so proud of.. (I hate it when the people I care about see me in such a state..) Eventually, my vision went blurry (yeah, even blurrier than usual 😊) and I fell through my knees.

10 minutes or so passed, then guess what?

I can remember hearing me dad say: ‘oh, there he is..’

I can’t remember who spoke first, one of my parents or R. himself.

I remember his psychopathic emotionless voice say: ‘good evening’ – something snapped.

I remember screaming: ’My blood will be on your hands, motherfucker!’ – Words I am not proud of, but were, at that very moment, genuine and heartfelt.

He didn’t respond. Then, I added: ‘I hope someone will someday take from you what you have stolen from me!’ – words that are more than genuine and heartfelt even to this day.

He simply walked off – he didn’t even flinch.

Some more desperate cries I luckily can’t remember later, I remember grabbing some newspapers that were laying around and completely ripping them apart. (Honestly, I think the fact I was not alone at that moment have saved me a lot of nasty, nasty stuff..) – I am pretty fucking proud of how I handled that shit at that moment. Could have easily ripped either him or (more likely) myself to shreds.

To conclude:

I have had issues with this man from day one. But we are all only human, and I didn’t want to let my own experiences lead me astray. Deep down, I think I  knew from the start that he was the cause of this all along. But it didn’t even make sense. Why would he do this?

Even to this day, it makes no sense. How can someone be that sick?

Later, I found out that R. had pulled similar (but slightly different) stuff to other people as well; probably just for the thrills. – This guy is a true psychopath.

—————————

*Sigh*

Now comes the hardest part.

Today is the Ides of March, 2019.

It’s 00:24 AM., and I just don’t know what to say.

I thought that by rewriting this, I could maybe come closer to understanding the actual damage this has done to me.

The problem is, it has been, what, 3 years? – So much has happened – it still makes no sense.

I guess all I can say is:

I am disabled.

I am disabled by means of not being able to do stuff other people are able to.

I am unable to accept myself the way I was born. (I didn’t ask for this body?)

I am unable to be myself and do things in my own way – I am in constant fear of being judged. Being rejected. Being send away. Again, and again, and again.

(Honestly. I can’t even pour some water into a beaker in front of people without freezing up..)

I have become the stigma and am unable to conquer that.

Who really is to blame, is it me or you?

The system perhaps?

Well guess what; we are all to blame.

I have let it happen. – And I will never be able forgive myself for that.

I had one fucking goal in life. – And ‘you’ took it from me.

But really, it wouldn’t be fair to blame you.

I was broken from the start, held together by stupid sharpie doodles and a little bit of ink..

This could be about so much more..

But let’s not go there. Not today.

You know what?

Fuck you. I’m done.

[pethomas1223]

*** Slightly long post ahead *** #TLDNR - I bowled great and shot my first 600 series in a while. @motivbowling #VIP_Affliction #ExJVIP #OG_Supra and @ctdbowling #SFSC #CtDScuffRemover #ThatWoWFactor #CtDTruCutPads used before hand *** Slightly Long Post *** I haven't bowled really well since the pandemic and so I was really excited to bowl that good last night with my team. It felt good to roll the ball so well and I was happy to post my season high game scratch & handicap, as well as high series scratch & handicap. Just in case the scores are hard to read, I shot a 239, 188 (which I thought would kill my 600 chances), and a 215 for a 642. We even won all 7 points as a team! Not enough striking in the second game because I took too long to make the ball change. I noticed the Affliction was rolling out instead of making the hard move around the 5th or 6th frame, but thought I could just use a stronger grip to get it to come around. That only worked twice. So, lesson learned: When you see it bailing, get outta that ball! Third game with the #Supra was amazing. I have never seen that ball roll so well. So glad I went with it instead of the #JackalFlash as that ball would have been to strong off the friction. The Flash is probably what I should have been in for the second game! 🤦🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️ Regardless, I really enjoyed the set and it was great to bowl well again. Too bad it's not a sanctioned league, I would love to have gotten my @usbowlingcongress patches for the scores. Maybe next time! Thanks #MOTIVNation and #teamctd for all the great equipment and products. Also, shout out to @logo_infusion for my #MOTIVNationJersey I sported during league! Great fit, great breathability, and kept me cool while I was #EN_FUEGO🔥🔥🔥 last night! 😉😁 (at KingPins Beaverton) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWTihJxviMA/?utm_medium=tumblr

[foxes-that-run]

Sweet creatures isn’t about Taylor. It’s about Gemma Harry’s sister. He even admitted it at a show in wembley that Gemma attended. He dedicated the song he wrote about her to her

Hi anon, I have a detailed page on this here.

The TLDNR is while Harry did dedicate it at Wembley to Gemma that doesn’t mean it was written to her. He cried a few times performing this and dropped it from the set list which would be odd if it were about Gemma.

In the Forum Harry said it was written about the 16th February 2016, he’d seen Taylor at a Grammy party 4 days earlier.

Sweet Creature is a Shakespearean reference about seeding doubt in a relationship.

Taylor’s songs high infidelity and I did something bad talk about cheating on Calvin Harris. She’s also played them with other songs about Harry since

Harry wrote sweet creature about genuinely loving someone with this reference about driving their partner mad with jealousy. It worked.

Calvin wrote a diss track/video, Ole implying the person she had the affair with was Harry.

This I’m not happy leak sounds like it’s the “the 1” conversation before all of that.

[tulpafcker]

yo hi your shawn spencer having aspd take is awesome, been looking for a 'popular' character that displays aspd better than dexter. if you ever wanna give more elaboration / possibly infodumping i will be in the audience standing and clapping

u sly dog u got my monolouging.... AIGHT HERE GOES!!

so i forgottt if i said so in the og post but i think henry ALSO has aspd and thats where shawn got it from, but to elaborate: i think that's why henry became a cop

FIRST OFF: wrt cops, i am operating on TV SHOW LOGIC, not real life logic. tv show cops and irl cops are VASTLY different in the kinds of morals each set has. rl cops are deeply unethical but in the world henry spencer inhabits, this is largely not the case. since he's In There and not Out Here, i go with the show's portrayal of cops and their morals and values, instead of real life's. everything i say about cops from here on is about the show's cops, aight? aight lets go

SO the thing about having aspd and knowing on some level that you have it and somethings Different about you is that at some point you HAVE to learn How To Live In A Society Without Immidiatley Getting Ostracized. a common tactic for this is to somehow aquire a set of morals and then just Do That. it's what i personally did, and a lot of those morals came feom whatever community i was in. i liked being here, they had some set of morals, and i just adopted those and treated it as truth. over the years this process has become a lot more refined but generally my morals align with the community i find myself in- namely, queer leftists. so a LOT of my moral beliefs come with interacting with queer leftists at length (because, since i was queer, and thus interacted w a lot of leftists) and going "yeah, that makes sense, this is now a moral standard for me"

so tldnr you need to find a community with some moral tenants that you generally agree with and also like, which sounds like a no brainer but its like. a bit different yk? for me PERSONALLY there really isnt much of an internal set of checks and balances that make me agree w my morals under all costs and i can like. turn it off if i need to

but back to the spencers: being a cop is really good for this. the moral set is easy- you're a cop. you care a lot about The Law. ergo your morals are just... the laws are good and breaking tbem is bad. short and simple and to the point

additionally, being a cop means you get to engage in risk taking behavior and get PAID for it! people dont think youre a crazy reckless thrill seeker, they think you're a HERO! and who needs remorse when you're dealing with criminals? you dont NEED to feel bad about power tripping or intimidating them, its totally fine. its fine. its fine

also relationship issues- henry's divorced, that's not uncommon for pwaspd in relationships. sometimes its poorly managed and/or they wont change and even if theyre stable enough not to be dangerous or abusive, it could be an unpleasant experience for a lot of different reasons- arguments being a massive problem when they happen (the remorse thing- good luck actually getting an apology outta them), worry over the risky behavior being met with flippiance, general lack of emotional vunerability. stuff like that

all this btw is based off my real relationship struggles between me and my fiance who does NOT have aspd (we r like... total opposites its so funny. top 10 funniest matchups of all time)

back to shawn. he is a lot like his father in many ways but the main reason i thought he had aspd is just... he treats EVERYTHING with flippiance and sarcasm. even when hes locking in and being serious, there's still an underlying feeling that he's Just Having Fun With This, no matter the situation. which, this isnt like an official criterion or whatever, but like... i know a LOT of guys with aspd. most of them talk like this. there's always a sense of emotional detachment from most things, because there is one, because they have aspd. i jokingly call this the "sociopath lilt" because theres also that sort of, up-and-down inflection (that shawn has!) that comes with it. its so funny it just makes other pwaspd instantly clockable to me. get thin sliced loser

but once i started thinking about it, more things add up... he's CALLED OUT on his risk taking behavior and flippiance towards serious subject matter IN THE SHOW! he's had a ton of jobs and while i can't prove why he kept leaving them, aspd and having a job... don't mix well. i keep getting fired because i keep beefing w my manager, and i can see the same thing happening to shawn, or maybe he broke a rule one too many times, or got caught in a restricted area, or broke something thru carelessness

and it IS played for comedy but he very often tends to not respect the wishes and autonomy of the people he interacts with, ESPECIALLY gus. he cares naught for anything gus has going on with his job and wether or not he'll get in trouble if he leaves early or does whatever scheme shawn cooked up, and generally sort of treats him not very kindly a lot- which isnt to say their friendship is BAD, its just a pattern of behavior yk?

thats all i can think of off the top of my head rn, but yeah imo shawn is a very realistic take on a guy with aspd whos just like. a regular guy with a mental illness thats to some degree managed, some degree not. very "adhd kid went thru some shit and developed aspd" coded (theres a link; if you abuse a kid with adhd theres a HUGE chance theyll develop conduct disorder and later aspd) (also i guess "some shit" for shawn was the divorce and also being raised by a guy with aspd and being influenced by how he thought a lot)

he's not like, dangerous or abusive or anything, he just has his quirks that can cause problems for him or give the people close to him grief, but its kind of like... an affectionate sort of grief, yk?he just reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. and i like that even in a hc theres SOME character out there that isnt like, a serial killer. imagine having a mental illness and all the characters with it are evil. like yeah theyre cool characters but can i have SOMETHING else for once PLEASE

also lassie has npd send tweet

[crayonurchin]

POTTERNOIR AU FOKLS

SOLO ACT AND EMBER

As is so common with Solo, they were a circus acrobat- performing from the ages of 4-15. However, the war effort was in full swing, and resources had to go to the troupes. The circus top was claimed for its fabric, and all the performers were out of the job. Nobody could afford a frivelous show in these trying times.

15 years old with a 2 year old son and no work skills aside their acrobatics, they were in one hell of a tough spot. ‘fortunately’, London was where their final show was, and London is where they found themselves. They turned to petty theivery, their physical capabilities proving a handy tool for avoiding the coppers, and catching the eye of one of 1920s Londons prevellent gangs.

They needed a decent thief, and Solo was up to the job. They offered housing and protection in exchange for them joining up, so with no other options, they agreed.

The upside of a definately illegal magic circus is you can perform for muggles and they just think it’s special effects. The other benefit of magical performers, is when they’re a 17 year old gang thief, they’re good at detecting charms, warding spells and unlocking things without ever touching them. Solo may not be magically educated but they’ve been taught enough by their gang to be a good little thief.

Their gang’s one for hire. They’ve got muscle, protection and thievery to offer. Need something nabbed? Their ‘stringbean’s got you covered. Heirlooms? Money? Something locked in a vault and highly dangerous? No worries, just walk behind the third alley in Fleet Street and lean against the wall. Someone’ll take your order

PISCA

Pisca’s a squib, not an ounce of magic in her. Her parents, however, fought tooth and nail to immigrate her over to England, managing to get her packed into a shipping vessel before they were caught by the angry mob. Pisca never saw the witch burning they suffered as the boat chugged away, but she definately heard it.

Despite her lack of magic, she’s made her place in society as well as a scarred scary woman can. She runs a fish stand- all caught by her in her little boat. Prawns, muscles, trout, if it’s in the water she’s got it. She also sells dried herbs, pre-mixed brines and pickled vegetables.

Now you can go to her stand and just picked up a tuna steak no problem. But if you ask her “is the tuna bluefin?”, then she’ll tell you who’s following you, and what road to take to shake them off.

“Is it extra briney?” will get you information on what day of the week that informant walks through here. “How fresh is fresh to you?” gets a number of money you’ll need to pay off that one group

The biggest upside of being a squib is magic folk never think you’re listening too closely. But Pisca’s always listening, always watching, and her memory is damn sharp. She’s got intel on most things odd or dangerous, and is you can prove you’re genuine, she’ll give it to you. Pay her by buying some stergon and get out of here

[smegbertmarbles]

To make change in something for the better, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything you know to be true. Only once you’ve done that, will you be able to see beyond the horizon, and maybe you will find what you’re looking for.