the-anticlimax-that-is-life

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

On the topic of 'passive suicide'

Someone on Facebook asked if there are more people like him that sort of feel like giving up without committing suicide.

Here is my reply:

Well, I almost passively offed myself when I was about 18 and too broken to care to eat properly (which lead me to develop a vert nasty ED and I could have easily died)

But things got better..

..and then life (and some very shitty people) fucked me up even harder..

So now I am in a constant mental state of pessimistic nihilism. Everything feels useless, which causes both a lot of anxiety and me having a hard time to enjoy things.

But it's not a black and white thing, I am pretty sure I am not depressed for example. But this makes it even trickier on the long run, I guess. Because when you are depressed, you are sick and can get better.

This mindset of mine is a chronic thing I doubt I'll ever recover from.

I am already too busy dying, I guess.

I have already given in to the void.

It's not exactly suicide but at times it's a fate worse than death.

To this I want to add that I don't mean to complain, I do have a loving husband and plenty of friends.. I guess that's what keeps it all passive and keeps me.. not depressed?

I am able to enjoy small things, just need to constantly occupy my mind to avoid any of this creeping in, which results in me still being in agony or frustrated with myself (for wasting me time, even though there is no meaningful way to spend it??) most of the time..

... Ah, insightful!

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Was just trying to figure out why my anxiety (especially the physical aspects) have been through the roof lately...

I failed, but at least I tried.

(Yes, I actually stopped after the first few sentences at first, I simply couldn't hold it no more... But at least I tried again and that's all that matters. To keep trying.)

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

26-7-'19 -> 27-7-'19

I have been sleeping very crappy for the past week due to extreme summer heat. Falling in and out of sleep, a lot of nightmares and hours long anxiety inducing periods in which I was 'half asleep.'

I don't even know what I dreamt exactly last night, but I remember waking up in complete stress and my husband asking me if I am alright.

Turns out I had screamed out rather loudly, sat up and was going to leave the bed.. but my husband grabbed my arm to avoid me possibly hurting myself. This caused me to wake up.

The only thing I can remember dreaming is that some heavy metal construction was about to fall on top of me...

So what, am I truly going to sleep walk now?

Just as I dreamt the other night that I lost control over my body and took a leap from the bedroom window...

This is getting out of hand.

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

14-7-2019 -> 15-7-2019

I have been dreaming a lot again lately. Mostly very scrambled things I can only vaguely remember, such as needing to make spaghetti at someone elses house and the only ‘tomato sauce  they have is with white beans in it. (And they go on about how spaghetti is always made with baked beans etc.. Like fuck logic.)

Tonight I had a long (very long) dream of the inception kind. Worst part is, the whole thing actually took place in between 6:25 and 7:30..

In my dream, I woke up from another dream. In the dream-dream I was at a petting zoo near my home. For some reason ‘I was up to no good’ and set the animals ‘free’to another compartment of the place. (Where they usually are anyway, but yeah, dream logic.) But then, after a short while, - it was like reality suddenly hitting me with full force - I thought by myself: ‘Wait what are you doing? Those poor creatures could get hurt this way!’ 

As I was just done bringing the animals (goats and chickens) back to their ‘normal’ place and wondering whether or not there actually were cameras installed in this place, one of the animal caretakers walked in on me.

I could see she was angry, and I started to explain (with a bit of panic and shame):

‘I don’t know what had gotten into me. You know me, right? I was not in my right mind. I have been going through some hard times, maybe that is what caused this behavior. If there is anything I can do to make it right..’

She looked at me with a but of disbelieve, but at the same time she was willing to ‘let me get away with it.’ She told me to pay for a part of the damage done, 100 euros. Of course this was quite a lot for me, but I told her to transfer it to her right away. 

When I got my phone and card and was asking her for her banking details, she got a phone call. I was a bit annoyed, because I had to leave asap in order not to be late for work. 

This went on for a while (anxiety rising) and I don’t remember whether or not I eventually got to ‘pay her’ or not. The last thing I remember is hearing her speak on that phone, talking about me, saying ‘Yeah 100 euros is a small price compared to the 50k. we have to pay .’ - Then I woke up. 

(Short reminder, this was the dream-within-a-dream.. so I was still sleeping at this point.)

As I woke up, there was a situation but I can’t remember that part. (Maybe it was just the way dreams are scrambled, considering I remember everything else so crystal-clear)

At some point,. I remember ‘standing somewhere’(probably at home) and noticing quite a mess on my upper left arm. I told Frank, obviously distressed, that I had done this (cut myself) in my sleep. Thoughts spinning, like ‘what the fuuuuck?’ - I remember him being quite apathetic towards it or me. 

Then I remember laying in bed, sort of ‘stuck to it’ like I have had in so many dreams before.. I remember arguing with Frank about how I am going to be late for work but I could not yet get out of bed for ‘some reason.’

Then I remember we sort of argued about it, as time was passing and passing. (I actually do have a good perception of time in my dreams, but the perception is relative. In the dream it makes sense, but in real life less time would have passed.)

At some point, I realized that if I were to leave now, I would already have been one hour late so I told Frank that ‘maybe I should just call in sick, because even though I am not physically sick I am not doing well enough to get out of bed.‘

He then got mad at me, telling me in a condescending tone how ‘he is not able to just call in sick’, then he left for work. Eventually I got out of bed, in a rush, trying to still make up for as much lost time as possible.. Because I would not have been able to deal with the shame of being this weak..

^^ All of this in roughly one hour! :D 

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

About me identifying with ‘being asexual’

Hii y'all

This is going to be a personal post/discussion thing..

I guess it would be hard to put what I want to share/say.ask in a decent story, so I will just use bullet points to describe how I feel/what I think about them. 

WHO AM I?

To give you some insight on my current situation, I am 24 and have been happily married for over three years. My partner and I are living together and have been living together for almost five years.

I identify as non-binary, and I do think this is somewhat relevant but I can't fully explain why. Please don't hate me for this, and please don't stop reading because of it; I won't bother you with it any further. :)

I am NOT a native speaker, so please don't judge if I use wrong terminology, thanks. (Also, feel free to ask me to clarify statements if you don't understand what I mean by I certain phrase or word..)

SEXUALITY AND ALL THINGS RELATED:

Before: My partner and I do perform sexual activities every now and then. I generally 'sort of like' the kissing and foreplay part, mostly because of the 'intimacy' part to it, and I also like making him feel good. I very rarely 'really' enjoy it myself, because my mind is just at other places and I simply don't get aroused that easily However, when I drink a fair amount of alcohol, it is sort of easier for me to 'let go' and thus enjoy the things we do a bit more.

During: 'the real thing' is only enjoyable to me very rarely. In general, it just hurts. (Yes, we have tried probably whatever you are going to throw at me..)

After: after 'the real thing' I try 'to finish'- which sometimes works. However, for some reason, whether I succeeded or not on that task.. I feel really, really, really disgusted. It's like, I can sort of 'get myself in the mood' and sometimes enjoy the things we do, but the second my brain kicks in, I am  extremely repulsed and weirded out.

Frequency: I think we 'get it on' once or twice a month, max. I do sometimes 'help him a bit' in the shower, which I don't really mind doing but also does't arouse me or anything.

What does he say about it?: My partner is very caring and never pressures me to do anything. I pressure myself sometimes because I know he likes it and I sort of want to like it but I just can't for some reason. 

PORN,  MASTURBATING AND GENERAL NUDITY:

I do watch (almost all kinds of) porn and I do masturbate. The odd thing is, I just see that as a completely different thing as 'real life sex.' It's more like, idk, just mindlessly doing something out of boredom. It obviously sort of feels good, but not at all to an extend where I could say it would be a problem if I could never do it again. I feel apathetic towards it.

To elaborate on this 'difference,' I also make a lot of dirty jokes throughout the day. I can basically turn anything dirty and laugh about it. (Obviously with no arousal or hidden intend.)

As for real life nudity, I have always had a huge issue with that. I am okay with seeing people in their underwear, but that's about as far as it goes. I really don't like seeing people naked, myself included. 'Mature things' such as body hair make it even worse. (I actually shave myself on a daily basis :x) It is not that I am really triggered by nudity or anything, it just makes me uncomfortable.

HOW THIS HAS DEVELOPED IN TIME:

When I was in my teens, I was curious about sex and all. I have never been squeamish, but I did have an issue with guarding my limits. I have never been raped or physically forced to do things against my will, but I have (to my experience) been emotionally pressured to do things I didn't feel ready for more than once. (To give an example.. One of my exes was a cutter. Obviously, I wanted him not o hurt himself, so I asked if there was anything I could do. And he was like 'the only thing that gives me the same rush is when you make me orgasm....' - Which is complete bullshit btw, I can tell ^^) Probably based on this, the second I would feel someone 'wanting me' for lust rather than intimacy, I completely shut down.

When my partner and I had just moved in together, it was a bit easier for me to 'get in the mood' and enjoy things. I am not sure if this was because it was newer and more exciting (sort of like the way booze can shut the brain) or because of other factors. Still, it was far from 'how it should be' -  'the real thing' most often still hurt quite a fair amount.

In the past years it has been getting worse and worse Maybe because I start to realise it all more and more. In the beginning I felt like I HAD to have sex because 'that's just what people do' and I felt like I HAD to force myself for my partner. (Again, this was not at all caused by my partner, but more by the mindset imprinted by both society and past partners I have had.)

But my problem is.. Now that I am given all the space I need to explore.. I feel less and less attracted to the idea of sex? I mean, ew.

Oof, I could write down so much more but this crappy post is already too damn long. 

Sorry. My main question is: what are your experiences/ideas on the things I have said?

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

‘Just do you, than I agree with it.’

Yesterday I was at a rock (and the like) music festival nearby my home. It is a rather small festival, but awesome nevertheless.

This year I saw the line-up was going to be pretty epic. (By means of, plenty of energetic stuff to mosh on..)

Basically the ‘good’ (= moshable) music started around 7, so I went to the festival around 6 in order to get in the mood. I made sure to drink some but not too much (I had four beers over the entire evening) because I didn’t want to get sick too soon again. (Moshing on a tummy full of beer generally doesn’t work that well for me :P)

Anyway, the first band I attended to was pretty epic. The lyrics were a bit messed up (a lot of cursing but not in the right way, quite a negative vibe), but the general mood of the crowd was pretty positive. I didn’t even have to wait long for the mosh-pit to start, and had to wait almost even less time before I got ‘pushed up’ and go crowdsurving. (perks of being slim, I guess.)

I also noticed ‘this one punk dude’ was there again. I have seen him countless of times before, which means a lot. (I generally don’t recognize people because my eyes are so shitty.. But this guy really stands out in a positive way.)

See, this guy is one of the most genuinely eccentric people I have ever seen in real life. He is so extra, but it is all but fake. The thing is, there are a lot of ‘eccentric’ people out there, but this guy doesn’t just look a certain way, he also acts a certain way and has a certain vibe surrounding him. He always looks out for other people, trying to make sure everyone has a good time. He’s also the first to either start crowdsurving or help people up. 

Funny thing is, there was this older lady in the crowd, and he wanted to take a picture of her and me because the color of our hair was so similar (close to perfect white.) I told him our hair was probably that bright for a different reason, and we talked some about age. He told me he saw me as this youngster, because he was getting 30 soon. I told him I look up to him, because he is the embodiment of a bit fat fuck you to all those people that say ‘ah, you’ll grow out of it..’)

But enough about him for now. 

After this first show (which was only a 30-minutes set) I felt quite nauseous, which was annoying, but there was still plenty of time for me to recover, so I just got a soft drink and some ice cream - which really did me well. 

Some time later, there was this other punk band. The previous one was at the stage outside, this one was inside. This is sort of an issue for me, because I generally don’t do well indoors. (But the outdoors stage was also pretty .. I don’t know the exact word, but a lot of people were smoking and there was no wind.. So I guess smoggy? I am sorry to be this nag, but stuff like that just gives me a hard time.)

Anyway, the indoors band was epic as fuck, as well as the instantaneous and continuous mosh-pits. I was feeling good. 

At a certain point, I got a bit nervous, because the pit was getting rougher and rougher and the lights were constantly flashing on and off, making it even harder for me to see. I was contemplating whether or not I should stay out for a while..I mean, no matter how bad-ass or tough I may feel, I am rather small, can barely see (and have this nice bleeding issues to add on top of that.)

But then I thought.. Fuck it. Just fuck it all. It was an empowering fuck it, not a self-destructive one. I feel judged so often, mostly about the things stated above.

People assume a lot of things about me based on what they think they know.

Yes, I do not have the body-type or physical advantages to make moshing an okay option.

Yes, my eyesight is fucked.

Yes, I am quite an anxious fuck.

But you know what? Fuck all that.

Be the person you want them to see.

Be who you want them to perceive you as. 

Obviously, I went in again and had quite a great time. The thing is, mosh-pits make me feel accepted. In the pit, you are judged based on who you are; not on what you look like. Sure, if you are a dick, you will notice. (For example, I once was in this pit and some dude kept on bashing people of color.. Hehehe.. His face as he eventually ‘had to leave’ because he suddenly was the person getting bashed.. By everyone..)

Sadly, at one point roughly fifteen minutes before the end of the set, I felt really nauseous and on the verge of panic. It was too much to just push through. Because I hadn’t drank too much this time, I noticed in time and left the room. 

I felt really defeated and frustrated with my body. Instead of doing anything irrational, I bought a bottle of water and texted a good friend of mine. I was contemplating on leaving the festival; taking my defeat. 

But then I remembered what I said earlier, about being the person I want them to see.. This, combined with the fact I actually knew the final band (a more ska-ish one, just good times) made me stay. I decided to just go there and look around a bit. Since the festival is pretty small and just a 30 minute walk from my home, I realized I had nothing to lose and could always still leave.

..oh man, am I glad I stayed.

I managed to get control over my body again, and joined as the whole crowd was jumping around. At a certain point, I noticed this young, obviously queer person. He/she/they (I didn’t get to ask) just stood out to me, obviously tipsy to say the least, but also obviously having a great time dancing. I told them they looked good, they told me the same. I then called the punk dude from before, and asked him to get the kid up. We managed to get them up, and they were having a wonderful time. I could see they loved the (positive) attention from everyone. They asked me if I could film if they got up again.. They were constantly trying to film with their phone (which later fell and cracked.. ouch.)

I had managed to film some for them, earned me a kiss on the cheek, haha.

Later, I say them talking with the punk dude. He asked them ‘you must be having the day of your life?’ and they agreed. It did me good to see. 

Later, the punk dude wanted to hand the kid a beer, but they declined. Then, the punk dude offered me the beer. ‘I have seen you giving it your all since the start, you earned this.’ He then went on to this other dude, wanting to tell about me (sempai noticed me :D), but then turned back to me: ‘how do you want to be called? he, she?’ There is no ‘they’ in our language.. So I told him: ‘I don’t really know yet actually.. It’s sad that there is no such thing as ‘they’ in our language.. I am just Myrna. People that know me just call me she for convenience.. But I actually identify as non-binary..’ 

I could see he was sort of confused, as he used he and she mixed and showed his confusion to the other guy (but with no disrespect, he was like ‘I don’t know but no matter.’)

I felt ashamed for giving this confusing answer, but at least it was sincere. 

(Half an hour before, there was actually this moment when the band asked the ladies to sing first, then the guys. I didn’t want to sing as the ladies sang, and sort of wanted to sing as the guys sang.. But did not feel fully comfortable with that either so I just kept quiet.. :/)

Anyway...

At the final song, I crowdsurved again (at a perfect moment, because we were all making a rocket-shape with our hands and the song was about moving up..) Yeah, that never gets boring, I guess :)

After that song, I was ready to leave the festival. On my way out, I saw that punk dude again. I walked towards him and told him: ‘Thank you.’as I hugged him. He then said: ‘You know, I don’t care. Just do you, then I agree with it.’

It is hard to describe with words how much such validation from someone you look up to so much feels. 

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Coming out as non-binary; to my home town and beyond..

As you might have already read, I identify as non-binary.

This actually gives me a lot of stress, because I can't help but still have a very binary view on things, and feel like I should choose either side.

This mainly leads to the me lingering towards a more 'male' expression more and more, whereas that does not exactly because I just don't think I would be happy trapped on that side of the spectrum either.

I am overcomplicating things again, and I am sorry about that.

What I actually intended to share with you is the following..

In my home country, we have this LGBT+ event coming up next month, which I have already attended to previous year.

This year, they were specifically looking for people to volunteer for random things, so my husband and I signed up. (I basically pulled my husband into it.. But he is okay with that ^^)

Thing is.. A few days after we went to this volunteer meet-up, I got a phone call.

Turned out one of the organisers was interested to hear 'my story' and asked me if I wanted to say something on stage before the 'city walk' of the pride event. (Only 4-5 people will speak on stage, including the mayor and some ambassador spokesman..)

I actually agreed to this, and went to see the person who asked me last week.

We sort of made a script, and I wrote the whole thing out with some adjustments. (I haven't shown it to her yet, and I am actually terrified she might criticise it, because she kind of has this.. blunt air.. I can tell she means well though, but still, this is so personal.. add that to my fear of rejection/failure issues..)

Anyway, the idea is that I will tell this story we wrote on stage, to hundreds and hundreds of people, let alone the press..

..while I can't even get the nerves to discuss this whole 'me being non-binary' thing to my family..

And then there is the fact that everybody already always seems to recognise me out of nowhere.. and how is this going to influence the fact I am still looking for a job? (I am not making this thing up btw, I actually am this special little albino snowflake that everyone recognises at first sight..)

Being non-binary is not exactly recognised or socially accepted in my country yet.. (We don't even have they/them/theirs pronouns)

..which obviously makes it even more important to speak up..

..but still.

Ugh, maybe I'll translate the whole script in English and practice here, maybe I won't.

I just wanted to write my insecurities down, I guess.

I'll be fine, I'll do fine.

Let's go out and be proud!

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

But whose voice was it really?

He was nothing out of the ordinary, until they heard her voice.

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Stop trying to pamper me with food..

- the aftermath of my ED will only use it against me >.>

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

That moment when.. you are not necessarily feeling bad (yet) but the dark thoughts are already starting to take over..

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Staying at my parents home..

My husband and I are currently staying at my parents home because our own home is a mess. (The windows and a part of our wall have to be replaced, but there is a delay in the delivery of our windows so everything is taking much longer than expected..)

The first few days seemed okay, but now it has become clear that it is probably going to take yet another week, things are starting to get 'normal'..

Thing is, I am having a hard time even writing this, because I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything. I mean, they allow us to stay in their home, which is kind.

But there is a reason I really had to leave my parents home to live on my own four years back..

And now I am back here, it is starting to get even more clear.

I don't feel like going into details atm, maybe later when I can finally be on my PC again..

And it's also hard to say whether certain things were 'already there' four years ago (when I still lived here) or what is new.

Like for example, my mother and I can't get along at all. We both mean well, but we just clash a lot. (She is really controlling and dominant, and I have rebelled against that ever since I was eleven or so..)

But when I was still living here, I never really had an issue with my dad. But lately, I have been bothered by him as well. Both my parents are quite.. Negative? Like, they have this almost lethargic attitude, complaining a lot, loudly sighing a lot, there is just a lot of agitation between them as well..

And I just wonder if this was already the case when I was still living with them but never noticed, or something new.

You could argue whether or not that even matters.. But it actually matters a lot to me.

I have often been told that I am too negative (especially as a kid/teen, especially by my parents) and while I am here again, I start to feel this 'well what the fuck did you expect?' attitude, which would make the thought that this is set in stone ever so tempting.

Also, I have been 'triggered' a lot lately. I am not sure if this directly linked to this situation, but it sure doesn't help. I am hypersensitive to sounds and the way people interact with me, and I just need some time for my self - a safe space perhaps - which is even harder here than it is at home.

But more importantly, I think that because of.. just the way we are, or the way stuff gets back to me.. I am starting to feel this 'I am too much' feeling again. It's starting to creep in and comes out whenever there is any possibility for me to feel like I am 'bad' - like for example writing this post; complaining while I should be grateful. Or being agitated by my mum while I should be grateful.. I have to right to be this way, perhaps I shouldn't even be in the first place..

Ugh, let's just say stuff is getting more dark/chaotic again in my head.. I hope I can get through this one without fucking myself up >.>

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Pronouns for a closeted non-binary person..

Pronouns are complicated enough for a non-binary/questioning person like me.. (I mean, I don't know when people are calling on me, because I can't know for sure how I am read..)

But you know what is really.. complicated? I am not at all open about my gender identity expect for a very few people (basically my husband and best friend..)

So yesterday, I went for dinner with my husband and his two brothers (who are completely clueless about my struggles with identity..)

The waiter kept reffering to the four of us as 'gentlemen,' which is perfectly fine by me, though confusing because I just don't know.

My brothers in law said nothing to the waiter or me (they just know me as 'their sister in law')

And I don't know.. Such situations sort of feel awkward? What would they be thinking?

Pronouns are already so complicated as they are cuz it's all much to binary for me to feel at home.. (But let's just assume I am more okay with passing as male than being female..) But being somewhat inbetween makes it so damn complicated and scary..

It's odd, because I shouldn't worry.. It shouldn't matter..

But how to tell what's right or wrong? How to know who to tell and when?

...and what fucking restroom to use...

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Accept my existence or expect my resistance!

Roughly two weeks ago there was this discussion on Facebook.

A recent investigation had revealed that there were illegal people working in supermarkets and stuff during night time, which is obviously illegal.

In our country, people without a job get money from the government in order to sustain themselves. This is of course a pretty good system, because it allows people that are unable to (find) work to still keep a roof above their head and their stomachs full. However, there are also people that take advantage of this system and just make up excuses not to apply to jobs. This can be based on the idea that the available jobs are 'below their educational level' or 'above their physical capabilities' (while they aren't). More often then not, it's just people leeching of a system that was created to help those in need.

So the discussion on Facebook was about the fact that some politician wanted to create laws that would force 'people like that' to take those jobs that were previously done by illegal people, and that otherwise their welfare would be taken away.

From my perspective (a graduated chemist who also happens to have a disability, yet still works their ass off for barely above minimum wage..) this seems like a pretty fair idea. So all I did was state that I understand the situation people are in can feel unfair (like having a degree but not being able to find a job that suits your education and all the effort and money you put into that..) but that I feel like it is our duty as social beings to still give something back for all we are given, do all we can to provide for society as a whole, or at least provide for ourselves when possible.

My comment was in nuanced language, not attacking anyone. I had also included that I am glad to live in a country where people in need are taken care of, even though it means I have to pay more taxes over the little money I earn.

Yet, some very nasty things happened as a result of my comment.

The first reply I got was from someone who claimed that there is plenty of work in my field, but that I should 'maybe take a look in the mirror' because 'sure, I can't help being albino but I can help what I look like!', Mainly reffering to my snakebites.

This comment alone, especially the fact he has to start of with calling on my albinism, was enough to make my eyes go black.

Then some more comments followed, mostly about what I look like. All very shallow minded, and my replies were completely ignored.

Note here, I kept it decent, mainly saying stuff like: 'I haven't even be asked for any job interviews, and I generally don't even include a picture while sending applications..' (Which is true.)

It all blew out of proportions (even without my replying) and some people were even making 'ahhh, go cry some more' comments, just on my initial post.

Thing is, even though there were some people sort of picking my side (well, telling people to stop being mean) no one of my Facebook friends had replied, nor had anyone brought this up to me irl. (If I would see a friend of mine getting so much shit I'd PM them for comfort..)

Well, maybe no one saw. It's quite possible.  But then, as I was having dinner at my parents home for Easter, the topic of cyberbullying and stuff arose and I told them this had happened. My parents apparently had seen the whole thread, yet did nothing.

As my husband and I were discussing this later, he said that they probably just didn't want to put oil on a fire.

But.. if that were the case.. Why did they respond so ..odd.. when I brought it up? They were sort of holding back it seemed, not really giving me the validation I was hoping for..

So what if, just what if...

They think the people saying such things had a point? What if they also see me like that? And if so, who else sees my like that?

What if it is all my fault that I can't find a job? My LinkedIn does show a picture of me..

And what if all the crap I get is also my fault? People fear that what they can't understand, and that fear is projected as hatred..

But then again.. I could never fit in, not even if I tried.

I was born different, in a way I can sort of hide but it always shines through.

Am I wrong for that? - Maybe.

Biologically speaking, small differences are good. That's the whole concept of evolution.

But stick out too much, and you won't last long..

But you know what? We humans pretend to be better than animals, right? Well, why don't we fucking act that way? Xenophobia is rising and rising, and it's fucking toxic.

You know what? I DON'T CARE WHAT OTHERS MAY THINK OF ME. I'd much rather be myself and keep fighting for a world in which everyone can be who they are.

I won't be silenced, I won't be erased.

I have just as much right to be as anyone else.

Either accept my existence or expect my resistance!

Keep staring, keep judging.

Your disapproval is all I need to give purpose to my life.

By continuing my existence, I am passively fighting the system.

Guess what xenophobes, you better get used to this because we are not going anywhere!

And as for jobs.. I would rather be homeless than work as a slave for people feeding this xenophobic system.

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Non consensual observer

I have been posting a lot lately, as you may have noticed (probably not cuz who cares?)

This is mainly because I am sort of doing okay, I guess. But also because typing all stuff down on my phone just takes a lot of time, and I have been relatively busy.

I will soon upload something I started writing, but I think what I am about to write has priority right now because it was only yesterday.

Yesterday was Kings Night, a typical Dutch holiday to celebrate our king's birthday. Usually, a lot of drinking is involved, so I went to meet up with my cousin and some strangers from couchsurving.

There were (amongst others) a Greek and an Indian guy, both of whom I had already met before.

(In fact, those two guys and I were going to stay at my cousin's home overnight.)

There was also this other guy who no one has seen before. (He seemed okay but turned out to lose his temper over people arguing with his made up rules for commonly known cardgames.)

The five of us had dinner together and played some games, some of which involved taking shots of hard liquor.

We then went outside to join the parties in the city centre, as well as the fancy fair and stuff like that. My cousin and I seemed to be pretty close, as if she enjoyed my company and cared about me etc. (This is something I don't really experience that often..)

As the night progressed, we all got pretty tipsy and had a lot of fun. We all danced with one another, and it felt good and safe, friendly.

But over time, my cousin got real drunk and started to flirt around with the guys (as she usually does when she is drunk..)

I saw her kiss at least all three guys we had been hanging out with, as well as this random dude in a white shirt that we had only met just a few moments before.

(This dude was actually with another girl, his girlfriend, it had seemed..)

There were also two other girls we had met up with in the city centre, one of which I had seen before. These girls noticed my cousin's flirty attitude as well.

This, combined with the fact she could barely stand caused them to worry and tell me to make sure she wouldn't be taken advantage of.

Thing with this is.. This is not the first time I have seen her like that.. She's a single, grown adult who probably just likes to 'fool around'..

But either way, I decided to talk to people about this, and that maybe it would be best to bring her home.

The guy in the white shirt sort of laughed in my face in this 'hahaha what are you going to do about it?' way, as I had asked him to leave her be. He was all like 'I just let that Polish girl go, now I want to party with her!' (Referring to my cousin..)

I also straight up asked the Greek guy about his intentions, since he was holding her keys and debit card, and was going to stay at her place. He got all awkward, saying he don't want any trouble (or do any harm, even though he admitted to being quite turned on.)

I also asked the Indian guy the same question. He understood the situation, and he admitted to liking my cousin a lot but that he wouldn't try anything on her in the state she was in right now. He assured me to also watch over her.

My cousin noticed this stuff was going on, and got really agitated, saying (in a lashing manner) that her concerned friends are just jealous, and stating she wasn't going to drink if everyone says she apparently can't handle it..

After some drama and trying to calm her down, we (the initial group of five + the guy in the white shirt) went to her place.

At her place, the Greek guy and the 'rule bending' guy left.

At this point it was only me, my cousin, the Indian guy and the douche with the white shirt.

I was really tired, so I laid myself down on the couch (where I was going to sleep anyway.)

At some point, the Indian guy went to take a piss, and my cousin and the white shirt guy started kissing. (Either assuming I was asleep or more likely not caring about me at all..)

As the Indian guy came back, he walked towards them.. My cousin was like: 'it's okay' - then they kissed.

After some more kissing between my cousin and the two guys, I heard her say something like: 'well, there is a first time for everything, right?'

Then, the three of them went to her bed, which was literally next to the couch I was 'sleeping' on..

And they basically had a threesome. Probably not even caring if I was asleep or not. Like, what the fuck.

I remember thinking: 'should I leave, or will that only make stuff awkward? Would my cousin be annoyed? Can I pick out my headphones - nah, I don't want them to know I am awake..'

I just laid there, overhearing their threesome. Eventually, they were done and fell asleep. I also fell asleep.

The next day, I was the first to wake up. As they woke up as well, my cousin was like 'it's too early, let's sleep.' (The three of them were still in her bad, probably not wearing any clothes..)

I felt so awkward, barely able to look in their direction, as I told her/them that I perhaps could better leave because 'public transportation is probably not too crowded yet and I can't sleep anymore either way.'

When I was home, I got this text from my cousin: 'Home safe? - Yeah - Good to hear :)'

....

Does she have any idea how messed up this is?

I mean, if she wants to slut around, sure.. But dafuq mate. I was also staying there..

Guess alcohol can do a lot of weird things to people..

Why can't people keep their morals straight? I mean, sure, fuck around. I'd rather have her be safe but whatever floats her boat. But why couldn't  she be bothered about the fact I was there?

And also.. Why can't people just have a good time together without apparently having secondary motives? And what about me? I also danced with these guys and had fun I thought was friendly.. How can I know who to trust and who not? How to tell if they understand I do not have these secondary intentions? (Not that I am attractive, that's my advantage, but still..)

I don't even know what to feel.

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

I dream the same thing over again..

(I intended to post this yesterday, but I didn’t manage to finish the post in time so here it is..)

As you know, I dream quite a lot and can often remember part of these dreams in perfect detail. Last night I had a dream I don't fully remember, because it was a scrambled mess. I decided to write this post on this type of dream, rather than mind exact details. 

 When I was younger, (I think it was during the time I was struggling with an eating disorder, so roughly age 18) I had the same dream each time time I slept in during weekends. If I would for example wake around 9, then fall asleep again, the dream would happen. In the dream I was laying in my bed, my eyes focused on my window or whatever was the last to see right before I fell asleep. I couldn't move, couldn't blink, nothing at all. I think it could best be compared with sleep paralysis, but in a dream. This may not seem too disturbing, but it was really frightening. Especially because eventually, as I had had the dream on a weekly basis, I started to realise I was stuck in that same dream again. I remember trying to move, sometimes gaining partial control over my legs, just enough to be able to twitch a bit or attempt to make a sound. In some of the dreams I was able to scream, in some of the dreams there were other people in the house, but they never noticed me. I never really found a way to wake up from these dreams, but I sort of outgrew them nevertheless.

For the last four years, I have been living together with my husband. We obviously sleep together, and I have only had similar dreams every once in a while. This happens at random, so not only when sleeping in. (But still mostly when sleeping in.) The funny thing is, I sort of found a way to make it all more bearable. For some reason, I manged to turn the dreams sightly lucid, by ‘doing stuff’ with my husband in the dreams.  (Because since I fall asleep next to him, he is also in the dreams..)

The funny thing about this is that I am sliiiightly on the ace-spec, so it’s odd how ‘’stuff like that’’ works in a dream.. But anyway, don’t look a given horse in the mouth, right? Well, lately this does not seem to be helping anymore...

Anyway..

I have actually posted a similar dream some weeks (?) before, and this was just sort of the same kind of dream as back then. 

I don’t even think I want to go into more details at this moment, because I don’t think that that is going to add anything. 

What I do want to say is that I tried to make it lucid again, and it turned sour, again. Then, I thought by myself (in another attempt to make it lucid and turn things around..) ‘well, since I am dreaming, I might as well cut myself. I mean, there are no consequences, right? Am I truly dreaming? Hmm.’ 

But obviously it does not work that way. Like I said, my ‘freedom’ is limited in these dreams. I can’t just stand up and/or grab something. It ain’t that simple. 

Eventually, I woke up from the dream by my husband’s alarm. I usually hate that sound, because his alarm goes off at 6:20 while mine goes around 7:30.. But this time, I was quite relieved.

The reason I write all this bullshit down?

Well, TLDNR: I already feel fucking powerless and anxious during daytime.. And I am well aware of that.. So why the fuck does this shit feel also haunt my dreams? Fuck this >.>

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

In case you didn't notice, I'm a little psycho :D

Yesterday was one of these days again..

It started off with this horrible nightmare which I may or may not post later.

Then there was the general 'meh', the meaningless of it all which is really amplified by my job. (Oh and I also received an e-mail telling me that yet another of my applications was denied..)

Also, and perhaps to your surprise, this whole 'notre dame' thing really shook me up.

It's not that I have ever visited the place or have any connection to it..  But just in a 'nothing escapes the fire' kind of way.

Even though I felt pretty bad, I went to work and did my best.

When on my way home, I saw this message.. It was from our landlord, something like 'this person is going to check the value of your house so be there and make sure you cleaned the place.'

This may not seem like such a big deal, but it's complicated. Our landlord is a greedy cunt and just wants to fuck us over, again. Just take my word for it.

Anyway.. As I was travelling home, I had already made up my mind.

I was going to be home about an hour before my husband; plenty of time to fuck myself up..

However.

For some reason, I thought by myself: 'So many wasteful things are happening lately. Maybe I should fight this, just this once.'

So instead of going straight home, I went to the city centre to get some 'special' groceries from the Asian shop. ('Ah well, better chop some veggies then..')

When my husband got home and heard about the little stunt our landlord is probably going to pull us, he got pretty frustrated. (Which tensed me up again again as well..)

But I managed to calm us and we enjoyed our freshly cooked Asian dinner.

We then decided to walk it off. Usually we do the the dishes together after dinner, but my husband was like: 'I'll take care of it later.'

Our walk was pretty nice. The weather was perfect and we had this 'filled doughnut' which actually tasted like eggnog.

However. On our way home, my husband mentioned he was not going to do the dishes today.

For some reason, this became an argument that completely blew out of proportions.

I could write down a thousand ways of how these kind of things happen, but let's just say we were both pretty tense, I have severe issues with self worth which I can misproject, and most importantly.. Stuff just happens sometimes. It's pretty absurd. (Pretty damn funny if you see it that was as well.)

Either way, I ended up being so frustrated with myself I couldn't hold it anymore. In a almost blacked out fury, I punched my leg several times. (Left myself with a nasty, nasty bruise..)

I hate losing it like that. I'm such a psycho..

Eventually, of course, we made things right. (I mean, duh, we love each other an aweful lot..)

But I couldn't stop thinking he'd be better of without me.

Or with a better version of me, a version I am unable to give him.

Why can't I just get better, for him?

He denies all that, telling me I am all he needs.

He truly is the sweetest and most unconditional person I ever met.

I love him with all my hearts, so let's leave this at that.

Reason why I decided to write all of down is that I just feel frustrated as fuck because I really fucking tried and it didn't pay off.

Idk, guess I should leave it at that.

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

Quick update, I guess?

Up and down and all around; 

I want to share the pretty nice weekend I had.

Last Thursday didn’t start too well, as may have been pretty obvious by my ‘yaaaaaaaay, I feel guilty .........’ post..

But well, I decided to drink some booze anyway, and it actually worked out really fucking well; I had a wonderful evening with my husband, we ‘fooled around some’(wink-wink) and watched a funny movie afterwards. The typical stuff ‘normal’ people would do, right? It all felt pretty good; I felt pretty good.

Even though it took quite a few drinks, it felt natural. 

I can even remember feeling calm and content, my mind being pretty quiet for once. 

Usually, these kind of moods only last a short while, and this ‘calm intoxication’ usually ends in a breakdown or anxiety if not even panic attacks.

But this time, it didn’t. And that’s awesome. 

I didn’t even feel tired the next day.The fact that I don’t work on Friday morning was also really helpful, so I could sleep it off, I guess?

So on Friday afternoon, I had a normal working shift, nothing too special. Was okay. That client is pretty chill. His home is pretty dirty each week, so I feel like I am actually helping him out. He also never complains or asks anything more of me than what I am expect to do.(I even sometimes do extra stuff around the house for him, BECAUSE he doesn’t take me for granted..)

On my way home, my cousin sent me this invitation for this board game event. She told me that she planned on playing board-games and the like with ‘strangers’ each Friday, and told me I could join if I wanted to.

So I did. I went there. Me, meeting up with complete strangers to play games. I guess the advantage was that these people also didn’t know each other, so everyone would feel awkward? I don’t know.. I was pretty nervous..

But I am so glad I crossed that barrier and joined! 

I had a wonderful evening, even stayed till 2 oçlock - I had to walk over an hour to get home because there was no public transportation available at that point - no regrets! (I did have a minor anxiety attack, but I would like not to focus on that too much. It was basically that I had such a great time, that the weight of it all just crashed down on me? - I mean, the whole life/death/existence thing - it’s odd..)

The next day I had a meet-up with this girl who I had only seen once before at someone else’s birthday, We had been talking a bit through whats-app, and we decided to meet up.  

She is.. Pretty much like me, but even more.. Expressive, I guess? This was actually one of the first times in a while where I felt a real connection with someone. Since it was just the two of us and we had similar.. Issues and experiences (?) we were able to talk boundary free about stuff that would usually feel pretty awkward. 

She also made quite an impact on me. She is also visually disabled, but I didn’t really know before now how good or bad her eyes were. Turns out her eyes are even more fucked than mine. It was so odd to meet someone just as stubborn as me, with even shittier eyes.. I wouldn’t say it OPENED MY EYES, but perhaps this can help me put things in perspective some more/? I mean, there are so many things I rage about not being able to see.. And it is pretty fucking disabling.. But I can do so much more than I am aware of. Not to say she can’t, but more in a way that.. By seeing her do things with even shittier eyes, by seeing her make mistakes or mess up simple things.. It made me realise.. What does it actually matter? We can’t choose the bodies we are born in, so why feel responsible for dealing with stuff our own way? (Dayum there is a lot of deeper layers in that statement lol.)

Words are failing me. Let’s just say I look up to her, a lot. I see my younger self in her, the person I was before all went down. And I am not even sad. I am touched, simply touched.

When I think of my younger self, I often shake it off by thinking: ‘Ugh, pathetic fool. Who were you pretending for?’

But this girl I met.. I don’t think she was pretending.

And you know what? I have come to realise.. I don’t think younger me was pretending either.

We can’t choose the bodies we are born in, so why feel responsible for dealing with stuff our own way? 

We are so much more than the boundaries society tries to force on us based on how we were born.

PS. 

Fuck the system!

PPS.

Today my husband and I went for a walk in the forest. We decided to pick up some groceries on our way back. Since we hadn’t had lunch yet, we bought some bread. When we sat ourselves down, surrounded by this flock of birds, we figured that we weren’t the only ones that were hungry.. 

Some pigeons were courageous enough to actually climb on top of us.. And it was so much fun. :)

PPPS. 

I actually decided to write this all down just to end it with ‘..and even after all that, I still feel down..’ but you know what? Looking back at all this, reflecting and all.. I actually feel better. And even if that is just for now, it is good enough for me.