#to balance all the sad shit of today I’m gonna be extra annoying about things I like tomorrow

[deityofhearts]

I think my end goal is to up and disappear, I don’t know where I’ll end up but I want people to wonder where I went and never get the answers they seek

[haikyuuuuuhypeeeee]

Chapter 4

⚠WARNING: Swearing, mention of previous characters' deaths

• ────── ✾ ────── •

“I just don’t get why no one wants to help me plan the shrine visit and picnic lunch.” Oikawa pushes his now-empty plate away and turns his head. You share a look with Makki and Mattsun.

“We just don’t want to get in the way of your vision.” Mattsun replies. “You’re the most creative of us all and we don’t want to bog you down.”

Oikawa only glances towards Mattsun before glancing at you and Makki. You both put on your most sincere faces, hoping to placate your irritated friend. It seems to do the trick, as he huffs and rolls his eyes.

“Well of course I’m the most creative. I guess I can plan everything and tell you all what to do.”

You smile at Oikawa, nodding. “That sounds good.” You enjoy the last bit of your dinner, keeping your eyes on your plate.

Since Hajime’s passing, there’s been a visible gap in your friend group. It’s not a gap that can easily be replaced or filled, but the balance of your group has been thrown way off course.

Makki and Mattsun try to lighten things up with jokes but most of the time they fall flat. And it’s not fair to always depend on them to keep the mood light when they can’t muster the energy to do it.

Most of the time you’ve remained silent on the outings. You’ll laugh at the jokes from Makki and ask everyone about their days, but nine times out of ten you’re hindered by the absence of Hajime to make meaningful conversation.

Surprisingly, the most consistent of your friends is Oikawa. But since there’s no Iwa-chan to reign him in, he has become the leader of your group - making plans, driving conversation and trying to keep your group from falling apart. The only problem is that Oikawa has utilized more...forceful tactics to get what he wants.

“For lunch tomorrow we’ll have to meet somewhere by the gym because I have training in the afternoon.” Oikawa states later, while everyone is leaving the restaurant. “And we have to get salads or something similar, I can’t eat anything heavy before.”

You send a quick glance to Mattsun, pleased to see Makki holding his boyfriend’s hand tightly. Of everyone Mattsun is the one who snaps back against Oikawa the most, unwilling to deal with his antics. Makki is the best at keeping him calm while you would try to keep Oikawa from escalating the issue.

“Oh, I can’t meet tomorrow, sorry. I’m getting lunch with my friend.”

Your friends all give you questioning looks - Makki and Mattsun look more excited (and ready to tease you if necessary.) But Oikawa narrows his eyes.

“Is this the same friend you ditched us for lunch yesterday and today?” His tone is accusatory and you inwardly sigh. So it’s going to be this kind of night.

“Yes.” You don’t want to beat around the bush but you don’t want to antagonize your friend with smart-ass answers. “He wanted to get lunch again so I agreed, I wouldn’t if we were planning on getting lunch.”

Oikawa scoffs. “You should always plan on getting lunch with us, Y/N.”

“Oikawa I think you’re skipping over an important detail.” Makki steps in, inadvertently stopping Oikawa from going off on you. But before you can relax he turns to you with a shit-eating grin. “You’re meeting with a guy?”

Shit.

Mattsun appears over Makki’s shoulder, giving a similar smirk. “Please elaborate, Y/N-chan. Who are you meeting with?”

“And when can we expect an introduction?”

You give Makki an annoyed look at his extra question. “His name is Osamu, and we worked on a project together for one of our classes. We worked well together so we decided to get lunch. It’s no big deal.” Your last sentence is directed to Makki and Mattsun, both waggling their eyebrows.

Despite their childish behavior you’d take it every day over Oikawa’s snide attitude.

“Osamu, huh?” Oikawa looks down at you with his head tilted to the side questionably. “How come this is the first we’ve heard about him?”

You shrug. “It’s no big deal, Oikawa. Don’t be a jerk.”

“Hey I’m just wondering why you never wanted to tell us about him.” He held his hands up innocently. “Are you keeping other secrets from us perhaps?”

You feel your eyes narrow and you can’t help but let a little venom into your words. “I’m not keeping secrets, Oikawa. Osamu and I worked on a project together, he found out about Hajime and I found out that he lost his twin brother, so maybe I’ve found another friend who I can relate to.”

Oikawa’s eyes widen marginally at the mention of Hajime and he doesn’t reply. His hands lower and he looks off to the side. You see Makki and Mattsun stiffen before Mattsun steps closer to his boyfriend.

It’s no wonder that people tell you not to joke about death or dying. It’s easy for people who haven’t understood how devastating the loss of a loved one is to make those simple jokes, because they’ve never experienced the instant the mood of a group plummets. It’s a powerful weapon, made to bring the strongest down a few notches. It’s one you wouldn’t ever use unless absolutely necessary, and even this time mentioning how you and Osamu were able to bond over your shared trauma was a slip made out of anger. But it was effective in shutting Oikawa up.

“Oh.” Makki says into the stifling silence. Oikawa still hasn’t looked away from the ground and now you feel guilty again for bringing the mood down. Twice in two days is not a record you wanted to make. Makki speaks up again. “That’s so sad, how did you find out about that?”

Here is where you hesitate, because you can’t say that you were texting Hajime’s old phone number and serendipitously the stranger receiving those messages not only is a student at the same university you attend but also lost someone close to him, and you agreed to meet with him for coffee after five minutes of your “meeting.”

“I think it just came up organically,” you reply, hoping you sound somewhat nonchalant with your fabricated explanation. “I don’t really remember the conversation exactly.”

“Huh.” Mattsun says. “Well if you guys are going to hang out more maybe see if he wants to come to our group therapy sessions. The next one’s in a few days.”

At this Oikawa whips his head up and glares at Mattsun. He doesn’t say anything in response to Mattsun’s suggestion but he looks livid. Mattsun in turn meets Oikawa glare with his signature, unaffected gaze.

“Okay, we’re gonna head out now.” Makki grabs his boyfriend’s arm and steers him towards their apartment. “Oikawa, we’ll text you about lunch tomorrow. Y/N, I want all the details from your ~date~”

“It’s not a date!” You call, but Makki doesn’t reply save for a little hand wiggle he sends over his shoulder. You sigh out loud and shake your head at your friends’ antics.

You turn to your silent companion, who has taken to glaring at the ground again. “Are you ready to leave?” He doesn’t answer you, not even nodding in agreement, but he stands straight and you both move together towards your apartment buildings.

Oikawa speaks up after a few blocks of walking in silence. “Did Osamu really lose his brother?”

“Excuse me?” You turn to your friend, appalled at such a question. “Are you really fucking asking if he was lying?”

“I’m just looking out for you.” Oikawa doesn’t meet your angry gaze but his voice has lost its disapproving tone. “Some idiots will lie to get sympathy or try to connect and get closer to you. It’s fucked up.”

Still feeling aggravated you turn forward and roll your shoulders. “I guess. But you didn’t see him. You’d have to be blind to take one look and think he’s okay.” His tired face pops into your head again, the look of a person just trying to scrap by one day at a time. It hurts to think about.

“Do you like him?”

You turn back to your friend, angry again, to see him giving you a calculated look. There’s something else there too, almost something like indignant hurt.

You know why he’s looking at you like that and it makes something in your stomach twist.

Oikawa is the only other person to know of your love for Hajime. He pried it from you years ago but had sworn on his own hair products that he wouldn’t tell a soul. In spite of Oikawa’s general obnoxiousness and seemingly fictitiousness, deep down he’s a very loyal friend. And even though he knew one of your deepest secrets, you knew it was safe with him.

But he badgered you for days on end to confess to Hajime and every time you told him no. He was annoyingly persistent, but not once did he say well what now? after Hajime passed.

You missed that annoying weirdo. You don’t like the possessive, mean and cruel Oikawa that’s taken his place.

“I don’t like him like that, Oikawa.” You say now, turning back ahead first this time. “He’s just a friend.”

You feel Oikawa’s gaze on you still but you don’t look back. He doesn’t say another word to you, save for a short remark when you leave to go into your apartment building.

“Have fun on your date tomorrow.”

He drops that line and walks away, leaving you to stare after your friend with your gut twisting.

Why does he have to do this?

Insecurity, jealousy, anger, depression - maybe a mix of all four and more. It’s partly why you’re giving him a pass for now.

Your phone pings when you get into your apartment, and you feel the tension from the day leave your body when you lock the door. You feel wrung out and you honestly just want to sink to the floor and just lay there.

Before you give into your urge to become one with the floor you pull your phone out to see who texted you.

If it’s Oikawa I’m going to flush my phone down the toilet.

But you’re pleasantly surprised to read the screen and not see it was Oikawa who messaged you. You unlock your phone to read the text, feel a smile tug at your lips and send a reply back.

Glancing down at the floor, it suddenly doesn’t look as appealing as it did before. You walk through the apartment, heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

• ────── ✾ ────── •

A/N: And we get a bit more of a glimpse into Y/N's friend group, and the dynamic is.......not ideal. Hopefully the friends can work through their problems and help each other......anyway, thank you for reading!

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[perseusannabeth]

I'll Hold Your Hand - modern AU Nessian fic

Summary:  Cassian is finally going to spend some alone time with Nesta, and he's going to woo the shit out of her. He's totally going to seduce her. This is his chance, finally! However, when he gets to Nesta's flat, he realises that this may not be the best time for seduction.

Notes:  This is not beta-read so please let me know if there are any mistakes! I wrote this for my friend @acourtofmarauders who asked for some Nessian fluff. If anyone has any acotar prompts they would like me to write, then please send me an ask!

Cassian would be lying through his teeth if he said he wasn’t dressing extra carefully today. He had spent 2 hours going through every combination of outfits he could possibly wear, and another hour (once he had chosen an outfit) had been dedicated to fixing his hair. He was nervous, and that was a new feeling for him. Cassian never got nervous, especially when it came to women.

Nesta Archeron however, was no ordinary woman. In fact, when she was angry, he wasn’t even sure she was a woman, she looked like a dragon sometimes, with smoke blowing out of her nostrils when she got angry and ready to breathe fire and burn down whoever angered her, which was usually him. He loved it though. At first, he just loved pissing her off for the sake of it. He didn’t hate her, he just didn’t really like her either and she irritated him, got under his skin and somehow knew how to push all the wrong buttons. Now though, he just loved to watch the way her cheeks would flush, her brows would furrow, and the slight clench of her jaw. He enjoyed their verbal sparring, which he had come to see as a release for the tension between them, only the past few months it felt like the verbal spars were not enough to get rid of the tension.

If she could see him now, primping and preening in the mirror for hours on end, she would have insulted him till he begged for a reprieve, but he doesn’t care. He wants to make sure he looks irresistible but make it look effortless. She could never know his effortless look took him 3 hours. In fact, none of his friends could ever know. They would never shut up about it. He thanked the cauldron that Azriel was spending a few days away with Elain so he couldn’t witness what a mess he was. Sometimes living with your brother had its downsides. He was just thankful that Rhys didn’t still live here. He shuddered at the thought of Rhys and Feyre seeing him getting ready for his not-date with Nesta.

Cassian knew he was acting like this was a date, but he didn’t care. Nesta had invited him to go over to her flat when she was home alone to eat junk food and watch films together, and Cassian was ecstatic. If he had known that mentioning that he had never seen Lord of the Rings, despite having read all the books would have made Nesta so outraged that she’d invite him to spend time with her, then he would have mentioned it ages ago.

He looked at the clock again to check if it was a reasonable enough time to set off. He didn’t want to get there too early, as eager as he was, because that might annoy Nesta and he didn’t want to start their 12-hour marathon with Nesta being angry at him. He also would rather die than get there late, so he kept checking the clock. Nesta had told him to come over for 6 pm so they could marathon all three of the films. She had warned that it would be an endurance test and that if he was a “weak ass bitch” (direct quote from Nesta herself), then she would “leave him for dead”.

Cassian looked at himself one last time in the mirror. His hair was tied in a messy man bun that had taken way too much time to make it look so effortless and not as though he had run in the wind. He had kept his outfit simple, wearing a grey fitted shirt which he knew made his muscles look great, and his favourite joggers which he knew did wonders for his ass (not that it needed help but still, every little helps where Nesta is concerned). Nesta had warned him to dress comfortable, but that didn’t mean he had to dress like a slob.

He grabbed his favourite red zip-up hoodie, made sure he had his phone, charger and keys as he walked into the kitchen. Nesta had said she would have some snacks but Cassian wanted to do a little extra, so he had prepared a pasta bake, which just needed to go in the oven when he got to Nesta’s place. He had also taken the liberty of buying an assortment of junk food, including sour sweets (Nesta’s favourites) and Yorkie chocolate bars (Nesta claimed she started eating them out of spite and can’t stop. He’s too afraid to ask what that even means).

He somehow managed to lock up while holding the pasta bake and the tonne of junk food, and then went and put his things in his car. He tried to drive as slowly as he could without annoying other people on the roads, just to make sure he didn’t get there too early, but still ended up arriving 15 minutes earlier than he was supposed to. Still, Cassian decided Nesta couldn’t be too mad at him for arriving early (could she?) so he decided to take a chance and go up to her flat.

He knocked on her door cautiously and heard a muffled swear from inside which made him grin. Perhaps their little Lord of the Rings marathon wasn’t only making him nervous. The idea that Nesta was nervous too made Cassian grin even wider, his heart fluttering slightly at the thought of Nesta getting nervous because of him.

The door swung open, interrupting Cassian’s thoughts. Nesta stood in the doorway, leaning against the door frame. She looked… tired? It threw Cassian, seeing her like this. Her hair was in a messy plait that she had clearly slept in, she was wearing what looked like some Mulan pyjamas and a pastel pink fluffy dressing gown over them. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, she looked a little sweaty, her eyes were half-closed as she looked at Cassian. This was not the poised and ready to step on his balls while wearing high heels Nesta he was used to.

“Hi sweetheart, are you okay?” Cassian forgot all about any ideas to woo Nesta, worry at the forefront of his mind now. Something was clearly wrong because Nesta would rather die than be seen in this state, especially by him.

“Hmm? Don’t call me that,” Nesta protested half-heartedly, her eyes still half-closed as she leaned against the door frame, her head moving to rest against it as though it was too heavy for her to carry.

Cassian decided to throw all caution to the wind and step forward, lightly touching her arm while balancing the ridiculous amounts of food he had bought for the two of them. “Nes, you don’t look very well. Are you okay?”

“I was gonna call you to cancel but then I got really tired and fell asleep. It was just really exhausting getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and kitchen so I had to rest on the sofa.” Nesta said softly. It was strange hearing the normally sharp-tongued Nesta sound so soft and sleepy. He had never seen her so vulnerable, and it made his heart swell.

“Why do you have your head against the doorframe sweetheart? You have a temperature too?”

“Yeah, I think so. Also, I’m a little dizzy right now. I’m not too bad when I’m ill usually, but the flu always affects my balance because once I had an ear infection.” She moved her head from the doorframe, turning her head to look at Cassian with those beautiful, sleepy eyes. As she moved her head, she swayed a bit, her grip tightening on the door frame as she did.

“Right, hang on a second,” Cassian said, quickly spurring into action and moving past her to put down the food he had bought on the kitchen counter, before rushing back to the front door, closing it and slowly guiding Nesta back to the sofa in her living area. Once he had Nesta safely seated, he let out a breath he had been holding.

“Thank you. You don’t have to stay, you know. As you can probably tell, I’m in no fit state to watch Lord of the Rings right now. Plus, the only correct way to do it is to marathon them and I don’t have the energy for that,” Nesta let out a small, sad-sounding sigh which sounded more like she was struggling to breathe as she lay herself down.

“That’s fine, we can watch Lord of the Rings another time. I don’t mind,” Cassian smiled at her softly as he grabbed the blanket at the foot of the sofa and covered her in it.

Nesta frowned. “You don’t have to stay,” she repeated.

“I know I don’t have to stay, but I want to stay.”

There was silence as Nesta looked at Cassian, confusion written all over her face plain as day. She never made it this easy to read her, but Cassian enjoyed the fact that for once, he might be able to guess what’s going on in her head.

“I… I don’t… why?”

“Why not? You’re ill, nobody else is here. I’m not going to let you deal with this on your own, especially when you tell me you’re getting dizzy. It’s not safe. Plus, I don’t mind what we do, even if it’s just sitting here and watching some mindless TV while you doze off. I just wanted to spend time with you.”

“Oh,” was all Nesta could say to Cassian’s confession. He couldn’t be sure, but she almost sounded shocked? But surely not, because he always told her how much he enjoyed talking to her.

“Okay, so have you had any food, water or medicine today?” Cassian asked, getting into his ‘nurse Cassian’ way of thinking, as Azriel had lovingly named it back when Azriel had been very ill when they were younger. Cassian just couldn’t help himself, he always felt the need to protect those he loved.

“I had some water and 2 cookies when I woke up. I fell asleep pretty soon after so I haven’t had anything else yet.”

Cassian frowned. “Nesta, it’s now past 6. Are you telling me that all you’ve had today is 2 cookies and a glass of water? What the fuck!”

“I fell asleep, that’s why! I only just woke up when you knocked on my door. Plus, it’s not so bad, I woke up at 1 pm today so it’s only been a few hours,” Nesta said defensively, a little sharpness returning to her voice.

“No wonder you’re feeling dizzy, you’ve not had any medicine or anything of nutritional value to eat, and most of the day has passed! Come on, what do you want to eat? Anything specific?”

“I don’t care as long as it’s not soup. I’m not dying, I still want real food, and soup never tastes good. Plus, I used to have it all the time when I was younger, it reminds me too much of starving and shoving random things in a pot to make ‘soup’ that we would have tiny little portions of so that it would last us a week.”

Cassian has never heard Nesta talk about their childhood. He knew from Feyre how tough things had been, but Nesta had never once spoken about it. He had always assumed that she didn’t care, and from what Feyre had told them, both her and Elain had pretended nothing was happening. Perhaps, Cassian mused, there was more going on there too, more than what she had let her sisters see.

“Okay, no soup. I made a pasta bake so we could always have that. It just needs to go into the oven for a little while. Does that sound good to you?” Nesta nodded, making Cassian smile.

He was glad that his pasta bake would come to good use. He was just glad that despite the fact that Nesta probably didn’t want him here, she didn’t seem to be kicking him out. He wanted to be able to help her and look after her. She hated people seeing her vulnerable, he knew that, and he was honoured that she was putting up with him and allowing him to be there for her.

Cassian walked over to the kitchen, put the oven on and pulled some dishes out of Nesta’s cupboards while the oven warmed up. Once the oven was warmed up, he put the pasta bake into the oven and set a timer on his phone, making sure it was on vibrate so it didn’t make too much noise and startle Nesta.

While he had been rattling around in the kitchen, Nesta had put the TV on and started Netflix up and was looking through to find something to watch. She eventually decided on Queer Eye but had the volume on very quietly, so it was just some comfortable background silence. Cassian glanced at her on the sofa and saw her struggling to keep her eyes open.

“Where do you keep your medicine?” Cassian asked, deciding he should also see what she had in her medicine cupboard too.

“There’s some in the small cupboard right at the end and then there’s some stuff in the bathroom cupboard too,” Nesta answered, jolting at the sound of his voice as she kept almost falling asleep. Cassian could see that she was fighting valiantly to stay awake. She would probably fight the illness with the same kind of energy and knowing Nesta, be fine in no time through sheer determination alone.

Cassian looked through the cupboards and managed to find some lemsip tablets in the bathroom, as well as the powdered stuff in the kitchen. “Do you want lemsip powder or tablets?” he asked as he walked towards her, holding both up in his hands.

“Ugh, the tablets for sure. The powered stuff tastes like shit. I used to suffer through it and drink that shit until Feyre told me that there was a tablet form of it.” Nesta looked at the offending powder with disdain, narrowing her eyes at it as though it had offended her.

“Okie dokie! The powder stuff is definitely evil. I don’t know how we’re expected to drink it. It does not taste like lemon and lime, it tastes like lies and poison.” Cassian said, throwing the powder back into the cupboard.

His phone started buzzing in his pocket and he quickly went to take the pasta out of the oven. He quickly plated it up for Nesta, putting it on the coffee table in front of her along with the biggest glass he could find, full of water. He then went to get his own plate and water and sat beside her.

Nesta looked at him suspiciously and then looked at the pasta in front of her. Cassian just grinned at her and started eating. Nesta watched him for a minute, before following his lead. Cassian knew as soon as she had put the fork in her mouth because Nesta let out a positively sinful moan.

“Fuck, that’s amazing,” Nesta said, looking over at Cassian, her eyes widened with shock.

Cassian felt his cheeks heat a little, a combination of her praise and the incredibly sexy noise she had let out. He would usually have made a dirty comment after hearing a noise like that, but he decided to hold back for once, only going easy on Nesta because she was ill.

Nesta ate the food at a slightly alarming pace, and Cassian was half worried that she would choke on her food at the speed she was eating, and was on edge just in case he needed to quickly stop her from choking. Nesta didn’t pay him any attention, eating and watching Queer Eye.

When her plate was empty, she drank some of her water. Cassian got up, taking both the plates to the sink and grabbing the cold and flu tablets and handing them to Nesta. She silently took one, before lying back down again.

Cassian turned back to the kitchen when he heard a soft “thank you” coming from the sofa. He stopped in his tracks, not quite sure he had heard it right. He looked at the TV, wondering if he had just heard it from that, and then looked at Nesta, who was watching him.

“Sorry, did you say something?” Cassian asked as he started washing their dishes.

“I know you heard me, don’t ruin it now by being a bastard.” Cassian simply raised his eyebrow at her, before drying his hands and putting cling film on the remaining pasta and putting it in the fridge. “I said, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed the food,” he said, sitting down near Nesta’s feet. She lifted them to make room for him. As he sat down, he pulled her feet back into his lap. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better. I guess you were right about the whole food thing making me feel better.”

“Wow, who would’ve thought we’d see the day where Nesta Archeron admits I was right?” Cassian said, feigning shock. Nesta huffed and gave his leg a light kick. “But seriously, you knew the food would make you feel better. You should take better care of yourself. Or maybe, let others in to take care of you from time to time. Like this, us right now.”

“But I don’t need anyone to take care of me,” Nesta said, not angry, the way she had said those words many times in the past. Just softly, stating a fact, but her voice tinged with confusion.

“Look, Nesta, admitting that you need help occasionally doesn’t mean you’re weak. Everyone needs help from time to time. Needing someone to take care of you when you’re ill doesn’t mean you’re needy or dependent or a burden on someone, it just means you’re human. And believe it or not, not everyone is out to get you. There are people in your life who would gladly help you, and ask for nothing in return.”

“Like you?” she looked at Cassian with an emotion etched on her beautiful face that he had never seen before. It was hope, softness, and perhaps maybe even fondness for him, all rolled into one.

“Nesta Archeron, I would drop everything to come and help you with whatever you needed, however stupid or mundane you might think it is.” Nesta looked away, and let a small smile grow on her face. Cassian had seen Nesta smile before, don’t get him wrong, but they were more smirks and ‘I’ll kill you’ smiles, in the heat of their arguments. This smile was something different altogether, and it reminded him of how Nesta truly took his breath away.

“I’m tired,” Nesta said after a few minutes of silence.

“Okay, well then you need to sleep.” Cassian stood up, switching the TV off, pulling the blanket off of her and picking her up. She barely weighed anything, which worried Cassian. He didn’t want to annoy Nesta by monitoring her eating habits, especially because he didn’t know why she was so underweight and that could be a risky move, but he hoped he would be able to get her to eat more. He’d even cook for her himself if she wanted.

Nesta, surprisingly, did not react when he picked her up. She just put her arms around his neck and stared at him as he carried her into her room. He placed her softly onto the bed, took her dressing gown off her and hung it up, then tucked her into bed. He then went back into the living room, picked her glass up from the coffee table, filled it up with fresh water and put it on her bedside cabinet, next to some more cold and flu tablets. He then turned to leave Nesta in peace, when she called out for him.

“Cassian?”

“Yes, sweetheart?” He asked, turning around. “Do you need anything else?” Nesta nodded, then gestured for him to come closer.

He walked closer until he was looming over her bed. She slowly reached out for his hand, and kissed the back of it, then let go and smiled at him. “Thank you, for taking care of me.”

“Is that what the kiss was for?” Nesta nodded. “Well sweetheart, if you want to thank me then there are plenty of ways you can thank me when you’re feeling better,” he smiled.

“I would’ve kissed you properly now but I don’t want you to get ill either. I’m nowhere near as good of a nurse as you are.”

“What you might lack in the care department, you could make up by wearing a sexy nurse costume.” he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively at her.

She laughed. “I think that would make you stay sick for longer.”

“I think you’re right,” he said, joining her in her laughter.

Nesta’s laughter subsided. She stared at him openly, her eyes roaming all over him. “Will you stay?” she said eventually, so quiet he could’ve missed it if there wasn’t total silence around them.

“Stay here?” he asked dumbly, not quite believing she would want him to continue to intrude, especially when she was about to sleep.

“Yes. Stay with me, please,” she said, her soft sleepy voice returning, her eyes starting to close before she opened them again. Cassian could see how much force and effort it was taking for her to keep her eyes open. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He grabbed Nesta’s armchair, where she no doubt spent many an hour reading her romance books, and pushed it until it was close enough to the bed that Nesta could reach out for him if she wanted.

He sat down on the chair, and Nesta instantly grabbed his hand, the same one she had kissed. He watched as she drifted off in a matter of minutes, the medicine making sleep come to her a lot quicker than usual. Even as she drifted off, she did not stop holding his hand at all. Cassian ran his thumb over the back of her hand softly, repeating the motion as he stared at the beautiful woman before him. He wasn’t entirely sure this wasn’t a dream, but if it was he never wanted to wake. Nesta’s face was much more relaxed now she was asleep, the frown lines and pursed lips smoothed out. She looked, younger, and almost carefree, apart from the clear signs of fatigue that lined her face. The bags under her eyes were prominent, and Cassian knew she studied into the night, working herself too hard.

Still, Cassian mused to himself, perhaps now that Nesta had let him in, he could convince her to take better care of herself. He needed to make sure that she knew that Cassian was in this for the long haul, and perhaps she would lower her walls more, and finally let him in.

As he drifted off to sleep, still holding her hand, he realised that perhaps she already had let him in.

End Notes: Thank you to everyone who is reading! Please let me know what you thought of it. Also, I've realised that perhaps some of the things I mentioned are very British? I'm not entirely sure but I figured I'd give an explanation just in case.

Yorkies are a chocolate bar, which used to have the slogan 'not for girls' which is obviously very dumb. They changed it years ago, however, before they changed it, when I was younger, I ate the chocolate bar out of spite because the slogan and some boys said I couldn't do it. The adrenaline rush was just wow, a lot at the time for an 8-year-old.

Lemsip is medicine for colds and flu. Most people tend to have the powdered stuff, which you have to mix into boiling water and drink like its tea. It claims to be lemon and lime flavoured but it's actually just lies and makes me gag because it's disgusting. I was very offended because I suffered for all these years but then my sister told me there were tablets too??? Betrayal??? Nobody bothered to tell me???

[outsiderslamb]

Overheated

Ao3 Link

Darry has to confront his own anger issues to be a better friend and brother.

 (2791 words)

(Tw for yelling, panic attacks and talks of abuse)

@naturallesbain @therealsehinton @hellsfanatic @cammie @chaotically-cas

Darry’s aching muscles screamed in protest as he hauled himself out of his chair. His body was still heavy with sweat and exhaustion from his shift, and he did not have the time to lay down. It was getting late and if he didn’t make dinner for these kids then nobody else would.

Lumbering to the kitchen, every utensil, and pot he held felt heavy in his hands. He nearly spilled the soup as he poured it from the can to the pot. Looking out the window, the sun was setting quicker than usual the later it got into the year, so Darry figured he’d call them in for supper early, as it would not be long for the soup to be done.

Heaving to the door, he called everyone in from their game of football. He did a quick headcount to see how many of his adopted family he’d need to feed tonight (anyone not there at the moment would either stop by later or had found a place for the night). There were Ponyboy and Sodapop of course, then Steve and Johnny. That made four, but he’d make a little extra to refrigerate in case anybody else stopped by.

“Hey, hey, y’all get your shoes off now,” Darry ordered as Steve and Ponyboy didn’t seem to get the memo after countless reminders. Telling them once should have been enough, Darry thought as he gritted his teeth.

“Ain’t even that dirty,” Steve replied, infuriatingly. Darry was too tired for this.

“Just get them off.” Darry couldn’t help the bite to his tone. It didn’t bother Steve too much, who just shucked them off and went to talk to Sodapop, but Darry could feel a tension in the room; even as nobody was showing it.

Nobody except Johnny, who Darry noticed was starting to fidget in place. He suddenly stood up and in the most forced-friendly way Darry had ever seen, trotted over to the kitchen. “Here, you need help?” Johnny asked, smiling as though somebody had a gun to his head.

Darry gave a little huff, he would much rather cook alone right now despite usually loving Johnny’s help, but it’d be rude to turn the little guy away. “Yeah.” he gritted out.

As they got to work, Johnny’s presence in that cramped space felt like a barrier. When the younger boy got close to the counter to pour another can of soup into the pot, the noise of sloshing made Darry feel sick.

“I think this would taste better if I added pepper,” Johnny said, standing up on his tip-toes to see into the bowl. “You have any?” he asked.

Darry gave a jerky nod. “Yeah,” he groaned, “In the cupboard,” He then turned back to heating up the stove.

Behind him, he heard Sodapop laughing. “Woah, hey Johnnycakes you tryna crack your skull open?”

Johnny’s reply was a snap “Not my fault y’all won’t invest in a step-stool.”

Darry turned to see Johnny precariously balancing on the countertop, multiple spices gathered up in his thin arms.

“Oi, Johnny!” Darry yelped, bolting to the countertop and grabbing Johnny by the waist. “I outta put you in a helmet if you’re gonna pull this shit, Jesus Christ kid!” he lifted the boy off the counter and held him in the air.

Johnny’s legs kicked a bit where they hovered off the ground, shrinking in embarrassment as Sodapop and Steve burst out laughing.

“Ah c’mon Darry, he couldn’t reach,” Ponyboy called sympathetically.

“Oh I know you ain’t talking, little man, after you snapped your arm like a twig climbing around like that,” Darry growled in response.

Ponyboy looked incredulous. “Yeah when I was six, and my arm didn’t even break it just bruised like a peach.”

“Can I get down now?” Came Johnny’s groan before Darry could come up with some kind of retort.

Darry wasn’t thinking, he just opened his arms and expected Johnny to sort himself out. Of course, Johnny fell like a sack of bricks, and so did the spices.

“Ouch!”

Darry looked down and saw Johnny trying to pick up everything he dropped, he couldn’t help feeling bad. “Sorry,” he grunted, probably not sounding very sorry at all.

“Ain’t no reason to drop him!” Steve stood up, great, another person yelling.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Johnny said, looking more annoyed than actually hurt as he set the spices on the counter and got back to work.

Steve sat back down reluctantly upon seeing that the only thing Darry had bruised was Johnny’s pride. But Sodapop didn’t seem like he wanted to let this situation simmer down.

“Dar’ I think you ought to hit the hay for now.” Said Sodapop, his sympathy sounding a lot like condescension right now.

“I’m just fine, thank you.” Darry snapped back, Sodapop shrank in response, funny he didn’t sound too angry in his head.

He tensed up his sore muscles upon feeling a small finger tap on his shoulder, whipping around way too fast he saw Johnny looking up at him with a worried expression.

“Darry you really need to go take a shower and get some rest, I think you’ve had it hard enough today,” he said nervously.

“I’m busy,” Darry grunted back.

“I can finish dinner,” Johnny offered, “I’ve been cooking for myself for years and-”

“Leave me be, I’m fine.”

“Oh you clearly aren’t, don’t lie to me.”

Darry growled, taking a quick step closer before he could stop himself.

“I SAID LEAVE ME BE!”

Darry had lost his usually tight grip on his temper at that moment. Nobody yells at Johnny in this house, because they all know that he gets enough of it at home. You’d have to be a monster to know what he goes through and still put him through.

Johnny’s face darkened, his eyes wide and he took a step back. Looking closer, Darry realized that fuck he was shaking.

“Shit. Johnnycakes I’m so-” Darry tried but Johnny turned quickly before anyone could see his reaction and walked out the door.

Darry remembered a night a few months ago when he’d snapped like this with Ponyboy, only that time he’d hit him. Darry never thought he’d forgive himself, and he’d been working on controlling his anger for a while. Darry cringed at the thought that he could have hit Johnny or any of his other adopted brothers.

Darry tried to follow, but Sodapop stood up and put a hand on his chest. “Take our advice. Please.” He said, looking tired and disappointed but not angry.

Darry took a step back and headed for the shower. He needed to cool down before anything else.

Johnny couldn’t think of anything as he sat on the porch, knees hugged up close to his chest. His mind was completely static as he stared into nothing, heart racing and breath coming out in ragged gasps.

He shouldn’t have reacted that way. Darry was just frustrated and he dealt with people yelling at him all the time at home. He shouldn’t be such a damned pansy, but he couldn’t help it.

He didn’t hear the door open or any footsteps when a hand was placed on his shoulder. Johnny jerked upwards, eyes huge, but then realized it was just Sodapop.

“Hey, buddy,” came Sodapop’s soft voice, his hand rubbing Johnny’s shoulder through his thick jacket. “Easy now, breath with me.”

Johnny felt Sodapop slide in next to him, wrapping both arms tight around Johnny’s much smaller frame, pulling his friend in close to his chest. Johnny burrowed his face into Sodapop’s shirt, as though it would give him some sort of anonymity while he tried to calm himself down. Tears soaked into the dark fabric.

“I-I usually don’t re… usually don’t react like this.” Johnny cried softly, getting a good hold on his breathing, which was good as he was alrighty starting to get light-headed.

“Its okay, honey, nobody thinks any less of you. Darry’s probably beating himself up over this,” Sodapop reassured, rubbing Johnny’s back. “Buddy, I know something else is going on. You extra stressed? Had a bad day?”

Johnny gave a wobbly sigh, the tears finally slowing. He willed his voice to not waver, “Dad had today off,” was all he needed to say.

Sodapop sighed deeply, honey-colored brows furrowing. Johnny knew how much everyone in his patch-work family wanted to stick it to his biological parents, but he couldn’t let that happen.

“Are you hurt at all?” Sodapop asked after a moment of composing himself. “We have plenty of ice, what, with all the fights our idiots like getting into,” Sodapop smirked and ruffled Johnny’s fluffy hair.

“Golly, Sodapop, y’all don’t have to do that.” Johnny wiped his eyes with his sleeve, face still flushed from crying.

“Don’t you worry about it, little buddy,” Sodapop said, “I do wish you would tell me when the bastard’s hurt you,” Sodapop pulled Johnny closer to him, “You don’t have to make an announcement or nothin’, like when one of the jackasses gets into a fight, just come to me or Darry or anybody else you feel safe with.”

Johnny thought about that. He was used to having to heal his wounds in private, as he hated the whole deal everybody would make out of it when he came in with a black-eye or bruises on his arm.

“Thank you,” Johnny finally said, then with a still-shaky hand, tugged back a tuft of curly black hair to show the swelling bruise at the corner of his forehead. “I got pushed over, hit my head on the corner of the counter,” he said. This, as bad as it was, was on the more mild side of the things Johnny had endured.

Sodapop cringed, his warm brown eyes glowing with sadness. “Oh Johnnycakes,” he reached out and gently touched his friend’s cheek. Johnny did not flinch away. “Let’s get some ice on that.”

Johnny nodded, a pang of guilt hitting him. Sodapop was clearly troubled by this, Johnny should not be finding joy in his friend’s reaction to his pain.

“Hey, did dinner just get left on the stove?” he asked, remembering that he’d dropped everything to run outside.

Sodapop shook his head, seeming to cheer up a little. “Nup, Ponyboy and Steve-o are on it.”

Johnny blanched. “We better hurry back then…” Sodapop seemed to agree.

Upon entering the house, Johnny was greeted by loud arguing coming from the kitchen, (Of course, he’d expected no less) and the faint hissing of the shower in the background.

“Put the goddamn ladle down, this shit ain’t done!” Steve barked at Ponyboy, who was trying to taste the steaming cauldron on the stove.

“I’m trying to see what we need to add.” Ponyboy defended himself, pulling out a scoop of the thick liquid and taking a slurp without even blowing on it. He nearly dropped the ladle and yelped, running to the sink to run his tongue under cool water while Steve guffawed.

“What's it need, mr. Chef sir?” Steve teased organizing the spices on the countertop.

“It probably needs to cool, given Horseboy’s caterwauling.” Johnny chided, trotting into the kitchen, he was well aware that his face was probably still red from crying.

Steve turned to Johnny with surprise, then cracked one of his gap-toothed grins. “Hey, little chiefs feelin’ better,” he said, setting the cinnamon down to screw up Johnny’s hair.

Ponyboy tried to say something from the sink, but it was muffled by the sound of running water. Johnny smiled at him, “Yeah, I’m doing better now. Move over, I gotta help you guys.”

Sodapop cleared his throat from the couch, reminding Johnny that he still needed to get the ice. Johnny nodded to him. “I’ll do it after I’m done with this disaster.”

Darry turned off the water, feeling the cold chill of the surrounding air hit him fast as he was no longer being pelted with steaming hot water.

He toweled off and headed to his bedroom to get dressed, but not before stopping to listen by the door; He counted two voices. It sounded like Steve and Ponyboy were trying to cook. That thought horrified him and he had to resist the urge to run out in nothing but a towel to make sure they didn’t burn the house down. But when Johnny’s voice joined them, he knew the crisis had been averted.

Oh.

For a moment he’d nearly forgotten what had recently transpired. He knew he technically should follow Sodapop’s advice and get some sleep before trying to fix his mess, but there's no way he could sleep with this weighing on his mind.

As he got dressed, he kept listening. Johnny’s voice was… normal. It didn’t sound too wet or too upset, that forcefully cheery attitude from earlier was completely gone. He sounded fine.

Darry thought about that. Johnny would force a smile and his voice would rise in pitch sometimes during times of conflict. But only ever during an infight in the gang. It was strange because he clearly wasn’t like that all the time, but then it hit Darry; that was his way of diffusing situations.

That only made him feel more guilty. Johnny was trying to fix the situation, and he’d gone and yelled at him. Darry wanted to hide but knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. He was going to make this right.

He finished buttoning up his new shirt and stepped out into the living area.

Upon stepping outside, he saw that Steve and Ponyboy were sitting on the couch with the TV playing, but they were arguing with Johnny and Sodapop, who were both in the kitchen fixing dinner.

“I’m perfectly capable! I ain’t the one here who pressed my whole hand on the stove!” Steve shouted at Sodapop, who was pointing a wooden spoon at him.

“That was ONCE when I was SIX, Steven Lucas Randle!” Sodapop bit back, ouch, full name, never good.

“He’s done more stupid stuff if you want examples.” Ponyboy piped up from where he was curled up in the corner of the couch.

“See, Baby Horse agrees with me,” Steve said one of the rare times he’d side with the kid.

“What the hell did I walk into?” Darry groaned light-heartedly from the hallway.

There was a moment of tense silence where everybody turned to look at him. Though it only lasted a heartbeat, Darry still felt as though he could cut the tension with a knife.

“Civil war.” Said Johnny from the kitchen, finally. “We banished them for their foolishness and now they’re trying to reclaim their territory.” with that, the tension in the room eased.

Darry let out the breath he didn’t notice he was holding. “Hey Johnnycakes, how are you feeling?”

Johnny set the ladle back in the soup and trotted over to Darry, nobody said a word as the two looked at each other.

“I’m better.” Johnny looked a little nervous, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “Just…” He took a deep breath. “Had a bad day, so I overreacted.”

“Oh, Johnny, I was the one who overreacted,” Darry said softly, reaching out to Johnny to touch his shoulder, but staying his hand before he could out of fear the boy would flinch from his touch. “I’m so sorry.”

Johnny sighed, looking away. Darry could almost see the way his heartbeat in his chest. But then, he crossed the gap between them and pushed his forehead against Darry’s chest, wrapping his thin arms around the man.

Darry froze instantly, he was not expecting this at all. Before he could hesitate anymore, he wrapped Johnny up in his arms.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” He kept whispering, feeling as though he would cry. Fuck, he couldn’t cry right here in front of everybody. In truth, Darry felt like he’d failed Johnny. He’d promised him over and over again that he’d keep him safe, then he’d gone and acted like the very person putting Johnny in danger.

He remembered Ponyboy’s face when he struck him that night and the misery that had come with knowing that he, his brother’s GUARDIAN for fucks sake, had just turned on him.

“I’ll do better,” Darry vowed into Johnny’s ear, voice soft and cracking with tears. “I promise.”

Johnny sighed shakily, pressing back. “I know, I’m not afraid of you I promise. You can act big n’ tough but you don’t scare me.”

Darry chuckled a little bit, only letting go when Johnny did. With that, the tension in the room was absolved.

“Hey teddy bear, dinners ready,” Sodapop called from the kitchen, and Darry sighed, feeling a weight lifted from his chest.

“Be right there to help, Pepsi-cola.”

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 5/6 (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

a/n these chapters aren’t really that long but i keep taking forever to get them written and edited lol but anyway i hope ya’ll enjoy!! 

Gigi stayed at Crystal’s house for a while after their kiss. Crystal showed Gigi all of the art that was not yet hanging up on her walls, gave her a house tour, and introduced her to her cat Tic Tac, who Gigi instantly fell in love with. 

Gigi finally had to go when Crystal said her mom was on her way home from work, and would not be happy with Crystal if she found out she had someone over without permission. 

“Are you sure you’ll be fine walking home?” Crystal asked, watching Gigi put her shoes back on from where she was standing in the kitchen.

“Yeah, don’t worry. I live like, two streets down, actually so I’ll be there in like five minutes!” Gigi reassured her.

They hugged goodbye, Crystal walking her out and standing on her front porch until Gigi went out of sight. A few minutes later, Gigi messaged her.

gigi: i’m home and i miss ur cat

crystal: :o only tic tac??? not me??

gigi: yeah <3

crystal: you’re a loser

To Crystal’s disappointment, she didn’t hear from Gigi again until much later. Crystal had been debating getting off TikTok and going to sleep early for once when Gigi finally messaged her back. 

gigi: do u wanna facetime

crystal: YEAH!

Crystal balanced her phone on her history textbook that was still laying on her bed and grabbed Tic Tac, knowing Gigi would love seeing the cat again. 

“Hi!” Gigi waved, gasping when she saw Tic Tac in frame. “Who’s the cutest cat ever?”  

Gigi showed Crystal her room and her closet. Eventually, they both exited the FaceTime app to go on Twitter, but stayed on the call. They made it their mission to annoy the other girls by spamming them with pictures of frogs and other memes they had found funny.

crystal: frog in a hat frog in a hat

nicky: why not sheep? they are the superior animal!

crystal: No <3 but i fuck with you for trying

Jackie: Does this happen often?

nicky: crystal and gigi are always on some bullshit. just ignore them queen

jan!: nicky pls stop trying to steal jackie 

nicky: i simply breathed

“Hey, I think I’m going to bed,” Crystal yawned, “I’m tired. I would’ve been asleep by now if you didn’t want to talk.”

“Wait, before you go, do you maybe want to walk to school together tomorrow?” Gigi asked, coming back onto the app to see Crystal’s face.

Crystal smiled. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

“Great! I’ll message you in the morning. Goodnight, ba- bitch!”

Being so tired, Crystal almost didn’t catch Gigi’s slip up. “Goodnight, Gigi.”

Being just friends was going to be difficult, Crystal decided before finally allowing herself to fall asleep.

-

Walking to school became Gigi and Crystal’s new thing. With Crystal’s mom’s permission, Gigi would join Crystal after school on days she didn’t have practice, often staying for dinner. Crystal’s mom met Gigi a week after they started doing this, and was very skeptical the first time she met Gigi, not expecting Crystal to have befriended a cheerleader, but quickly welcomed her with open arms.

After Gigi had dinner with Crystal and her mom, her and Crystal went back into Crystal’s room to get some homework done. Gigi’s mom requested her to come home after Gigi and Crystal finished Gigi’s algebra homework. They were both pretty bad at math, but Crystal insisted if they worked together they would be able to figure it out, which was debatable at best.  

“I don’t want to go. I’m too comfy,” Gigi complained, not wanting to get up from Crystal’s bed.

“You have to. Sorry.” Crystal replied, making Gigi stick her tongue out at her.

A few moments later, Gigi sat up, remembering that she wanted to ask Crystal something. “Hey, so before I go, I was thinking…”

“You think?” Crystal teased, giggling. Gigi gasped in mock offense, throwing a pillow at her head.

“Anyway, as I was saying,” Gigi continued, “I was thinking that we should have lunch together tomorrow. Only talking to you in the halls is not enough.”

“Yeah, of course! Do you want to meet me in the art room then?” Crystal asked, shutting her textbook and turning to face Gigi. 

“No. I’ll come meet you outside your class. What happens next is a surprise.”

Those words replayed in Crystal’s brain for the rest of the night. A conversation that happened in the group chat when Crystal was in the shower got her even more excited.

gigi: guys guess what

jan!: yeah??

gigi: i miss crystal :(

jan!: weren’t you at her house like an hour ago

heidi: hold up WHAT

heidi: miss gigi was WHERE????

jaida: what now

gigi: JAN SHUSH you ruined my reveal!!!

jaida: JAN YOU KNEW THIS??? and didn’t wish to share???

jan!: uh-

heidi: not a reveal DHGJSDH

gigi: i’m gonna ask crystal out and then after that i was gonna send a selfie of us revealing that we are dating AND that we live in the same town and everyone would lose their minds at the superior couple

jaida: now why would you announce that if she’s in here

gigi: SHIT

gigi: everyone spam the chat she doesn’t read up 

jan!: SUPERIOR COUPLE?? HELLO???

jan!: stealing your idea. we aren’t dating yet but look at me and jackie :-) 

nicky: I HEARD JACKIE IM HERE

jaida: nicky why do you hit on everyone who’s not available dgfhfj first gigi, and then you were a crystal stan and now this

nicky: why are you acting like this is a problem jai

Jackie: I find it hilarious. Jan only reserves that side of her when Ariana Grande posts a selfie. I’m chopped liver to her.

jan!: JACKIE THAT’S A LIE DHJBFDKH WHY DO YOU ONLY COME IN HERE TO BULLY ME

Jackie: ;)

gigi: jackie’s using emojis we did it gays

nicky: i am a homewrecker. jaida, find a partner and i will flirt with you too

heidi: nicky literally no one asked

jaida: well damn.. 

jaida: hey heidi you single??

heidi: NOT THISIDHDGKJS

Crystal usually didn’t read up, due to pure laziness and the fact that these girls could send fifty messages a minute if they wanted to. It was too much for Crystal sometimes. This time she decided to read up, and she was glad she did. They didn’t try hard enough to hide anything Gigi said, and Crystal was even more excited for the next day.

-

Crystal got up extra early that morning, putting more effort than she usually would on taming her curly hair and put on a tad bit more makeup than usual. She searched her closet for the perfect outfit, and finally picked out a hot pink jumpsuit with purple flowers on it, with a headband with the same design on it to match. 

She loved what she saw when she finally looked at herself in her full length mirror. Crystal knew this was going to be a good day; she looked good, and Gigi was going to ask her out during lunch. She was so excited.

gigi: im on ur street!

Crystal tried her best to mask her excitement as she walked down the hall and out the front door, not wanting Gigi to know she was aware of her plan.

“You look so cute!” Gigi exclaimed as soon as she saw Crystal.

“Thanks! You do too, we match!” Crystal replied.

Gigi was wearing a pink floral shirt with white shorts, and Crystal thought she looked very nice. Gigi always did, but it didn’t appear that she put in any extra effort, unlike Crystal did.

Crystal didn’t let that upset her, she told herself that the way Gigi dressed probably wouldn’t affect anything Gigi had planned. 

Due to Crystal’s impatience, the morning felt much longer. When the bell signaling that it was lunch finally rang, Crystal couldn’t hide the gigantic grin on her face if she tried. Right outside the doorway stood Gigi, and two other girls who were on the cheerleading squad. Crystal found this odd, but made her way over anyway.

“Hey, you ready?” Gigi asked, giving Crystal a quick hug. “This is Rosy and this is Symone,” Gigi said, motioning to the other girls. “I want you to meet them so we’re all having lunch together!”

Realization hit. There was no date, Crystal was way off. She really hoped her face didn’t show her disappointment. She tried to ignore it, Crystal was curious to meet Symone and Rosy. Gigi had mentioned them briefly before, but they must’ve been close if Gigi was introducing them.

“Just with you guys? Not Dahlia?” 

“Nope, she has a dentist appointment.” Gigi confirmed, and the four of them took off to the cafeteria.

Lunch was surprisingly nice. Rosy and Symone were way nicer than Dahlia ever had been to Crystal. Symone liked to paint, and Rosy loved Harry Styles so there was much for Crystal to discuss with them. Crystal didn’t like them as much as she liked her internet friends, but she couldn’t say they didn’t exceed her expectations. Crystal wondered why Gigi wasn’t always surrounding herself with cheerleaders like Rosy and Symone, who were genuinely nice and positive, but that would be a question for another time. 

Despite lunch going better than expected, Crystal was sad that she was so off about what Gigi had planned. She felt stupid, even though none of what Gigi had said hinted to only inviting Crystal to have lunch with her friends on the squad.

-

On their way to Crystal’s house, Gigi could tell something was off with the green haired girl. She was going to get to the bottom of it. 

“What’s wrong, babe?” Gigi asked once they got in Crystal’s room, both of them sitting on the bed. 

“It’s stupid, don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine,” Crystal lied, busying herself by petting Tic Tac, who had jumped up to join them on the bed.

“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you.” Gigi pushed, wanting to help.

Crystal took a deep breath, and let it all out. “What are we, Gigi? We said we’d be just friends for now but I thought you were going to take me on a date during lunch today since you told the group chat about your plan but I was wrong!” 

Gigi had to take a moment to process everything. “I was going to try to clear that up by taking you on a date during spring break.” She admitted, making Crystal’s eyes go wide.

“Fuck… I’m sorry, I just-” Crystal mumbled, feeling awful,

“That’s why I wanted you to meet my other friends.” Gigi continued, “I think I’m going to come out to them before spring break.”

Crystal was shocked, “Gigi, spring break is next week. Are you sure about this?”

“Yeah. I need to. I talk to them about you all the time and I think they’re starting to get suspicious.” Gigi blushes.

“Even Dahlia?”

“Yeah, but she’s moving this summer so she’ll be out of her hair soon enough.”

“I think this is the best day ever, honestly.” Crystal giggles, leaning forward to press a kiss to Gigi’s cheek, making her whine.

“No. On the lips.” Gigi pouted. 

“I don’t kiss before the first date, Georgia Rose.” Crystal teases. 

“You’re so stupid!” Gigi huffs, tackling Crystal onto her bed, tickling her sides until she thought Crystal had enough. When Gigi finally stopped, Crystal lied there for a moment, still giggling even though Gigi’s manicured fingers weren’t on her anymore. 

“You’re so mean! I didn’t deserve that.” 

“You’re the one who wouldn’t kiss me!” Gigi whined again, flipping Crystal off.

“Don’t stress. G. Spring break will be here before we know it.”

[goddessofeternity]

Love Amidst the Darkness

Chapter 9: Knight's of Melodia

“So I’m meeting them today?”

 “Yes they should be at the outer courtyard right now...I’ll go get them.” Duran started moving toward the library's door. 

 “No I’ll go with you...I have been sitting for far too long.” Althea smiled and straightens her dress. “My mother has started giving me more and more documents to look over. I guess she wants to introduce me to all sides of different politics.”

 Duran made a noise of agreement as he followed behind her. Althea smiled to herself as she thought of the interactions she has had with him. He would indulge her and answer her questions quite openly at times, but sometimes he would just grunt and make noises of agreement. He stopped immediately when he realized how rude it was. Althea didn’t get upset because it seemed to be something older siblings did. Evelyn often did it when she didn’t want to be bothered by conversations with Fiona or Aileen. The day seemed to be moving slowly, but it was nice because it meant she could learn more about Duran. She was also a bit nervous to meet Liam and Honora, a strong willed girl, and a mysterious boy. Meeting new people always made her nervous, and she always stuttered horribly. Duran had reassured her that they would be nothing short of respectful. All she could think of was how nice it would be to talk to another girl her age. Meeting another boy her age also made her a bit nervous, since she never had much interaction with boys. 

 Althea smiled as she remembered earlier in the morning when Marina had left. Althea figured with the extra guards, Marina could use a well deserved break. Of course however, Marina had kicked up a fuss because she didn’t want to leave Althea. Althea’s face lit up a bright red as she remembered how good that had made her feel. The thought of her leaving did make her sad, but Althea was confident that her knights could take care of her. Marina was a bit misty eyed, but it was clear that she was happy to see her family again so soon. She wouldn’t see her for at least another month, but she deserved a nice time away from the palace. Althea descended the stairs toward the outer courtyard and thought about what Marina’s family was like. She knew her mother owned a flower shop, and that her father was a general. Marina was the only girl, and she had five brothers, four older and one younger. Her youngest brother was trying to be an architect, her oldest brother Kent was living in eastern part of Edrion, she didn’t see him often but he was planning to live a bit closer. Her second oldest brother Seth lived in Melodia and was a scholar.

 “I swear the paintings don’t do her enough justice!”

 Her third brother Matthew was a painter and his works decorated some of the halls in the palace. Althea had actually met him a year ago when her mother wanted to decorate the palace some more. He was the only person in her family she had met. He had the same kind blue eyes she did, and he was very handsome. Her fourth brother Samuel moved to Dragleic to study the dragons, Marina had said he was always fascinated with the beautiful creatures.

 “The Princess is so damn hot!”

 “Liam shut up! That is not appropriate! You’re gonna get us in trouble! ”Althea had always wanted to meet her whole family, Marina had been her lady in waiting for long enough that it would make sense to meet them. She had always wondered if Marina looked more like her mother or her father…

 “I mean Princess Althea is a fine piece of a-”

 Althea finally took notice of her surroundings and noticed she was standing near a wall at the outer courtyard. Duran was standing next to her with an annoyed look on his face, the girl,  Honora, looked between Liam and Althea with a worried expression. Liam looked nervous and terrified as he kneeled next to Honora. Duran gritted his teeth as he rubbed his temples, Althea tilted her head in confusion.

 “Your Highness! I swear I meant no disrespect! Please forgive my rudeness!”

 “Your...have you done something wrong?” Liam and Honora both looked at each other taken aback as Duran shakes his head at them. They both stand up and Althea smiles and clasps her hands together, and Liam rubs his hands together.

 “Um...er…”

 Honora grumbles and pushes Liam aside as she smiles at Althea. “Your Highness, my name is Honora Stark and I swear to protect you at all times and make sure no harm comes to you. I also swear to take this task seriously.” She gives a pointed look at Duran and Liam. “I also will keep these two in line as well.”

 Liam mumbles “kiss ass,” under his breath as he shoves Honora away, which she retaliates to quickly by elbowing him. “My name is Liam Kalderon and I swear to put my life on the line for you princess,” he gently takes her hand and kisses it, he smiles and deeply gazes into her eyes. “I will be there for anything you need...anything at all.” Honora makes an annoyed face at the insinuation and Duran swats Liam's hand away as Althea feels her face get hot.

 “Princess Althea, I hope that we haven’t offended you in any way, but please understand we are taking your protection very seriously. We will make sure you have nothing to worry about, what happened at the tournament will never come to pass again.”

 At hearing Duran’s words it made her feel a lot better than she had the other day. However, it made her heart ache thinking how they would sacrifice everything just for her. They had lives outside the palace, yet the determined and serious looks on their faces told her they were serious about what they said. Having that much undying loyalty towards her made wonder if she would feel like that towards someone someday. She pushed her thoughts away as she smiled at the three of them, as she thought about trying to enjoy her time figuring her three knights out.

 “I...would like to thank the three of you for taking on this task, and I appreciate your bravery as well. I hope that we can cooperate well together and have a good relationship. Although I...would like to ask something of you all…”

 They look at her in confusion as she fiddles with her hands and she blushes deeply. “I would...like it if you all weren’t so...serious…”

 “Serious?” Honora says confused. “What do you mean, Your Highness?”

 “Well…” She shuffles in place nervously, and they patiently wait for her to speak. “You all seem like such good friends...and at the tournament you seemed so carefree. I want you to be relaxed around me, I understand if it’s an odd thing to ask. I just don’t spend much time around other people my age. I thought...it would be refreshing and nice...I’m sorry if this is a strange thing to ask.”

 The three of them look at her in pure silence as they think about her request. Honora smiles at Althea warily. “Your Highness, I hope we can have a good relationship...but I really don’t think it’s professi-”

 “Well shit...this is perfect! I mean if you want us to relax then I will gladly do that!” Liam laughs as he sits on the ground, and puts his arms behind his head. “Being serious all the time doesn’t really fit my personality.”

 “Liam! Must you always try and be the wild card!? Honestly this is serious...we must do our jobs efficiently and diligently!”

 “If the princess wants us to not be serious all the time,” he says waving his arm nonchalantly. “I think I should listen to her orders.”

 “You don’t always have to go against the grain Liam!”

 “You are such a stick in the mud Honora...loosen up, come take a seat, and maybe we can strengthen our relationship…”

 “Ugh! You are such a damn pig!”

 “A pig? I think I’m more of a majestic stallion...”

 Althea glanced between the two nervously, wondering if she said something wrong. Maybe they weren’t as close as she had thought? Perhaps she misjudged their closeness at the tournament. Honora looked as though she was going to draw her sword on him. Liam seemed perfectly calm opposed to Honora’s red face. Duran took one glance at Althea’s worried face and groaned deeply. He stood between his friends and gave them stern looks.

 “Ok ok you two enough...Liam get up we have a job to do. Honora calm down, take some deep breaths and ignore Liam’s smart mouth. Princess Althea I’m sure we can honor your request,” he smiles at Honora as she makes a face. “But we can also do our job effectively as well, we will find a balance and work with what makes you comfortable.”

 “O-Ok…”

 After Duran gave the two of them a talking to, the four of them made their way back into the palace. The day was reaching its end as the three of them walked the halls. Liam and Honora walked by her sides, while Duran walked directly behind her. Duran seemed alert even within the palace walls as did Honora, Liam just whistled to himself, but he kept a loose hand on his blade. Althea started getting concerned and she also looked around the strangely quiet halls. Just the other day it was filled with knights...now it was empty. 

 “.....” As she stopped as did the others. There weren't any events planned for the evening. She hadn’t seen either of her parents for most of the day. They had been acting strange the other day, but she had pushed her thoughts to the side. Although now, they seemed to be creeping back up on her, and her knights were making her nervous with their guarded movements. Just as she was about to get very worried, her mother turned the corner.

 “Mother…” Althea sighed happily as she made her way over to her. “The palace is...strangely quiet today.”

 “Yes, your father figured it wasn’t necessary to have that many knights walking around the palace,” she smiles gently at the kneeling knights behind Althea. “It’s wonderful to see you’ve met your knights. You may all stand...I would love to get better acquainted with you all, but I’m very busy at the moment...perhaps another time then?”

 The three of them nod enthusiastically and Althea giggles softly as her mother smiles. “Oh and Althea, Lord Derrick is coming to the palace tomorrow to discuss some things about his land. You must be up bright and early princess...ok?”

 “Y-yes mother…”

 “Good,” she gives them all one last smile before walking down the hall.

 “Wow…” Althea looks over at Liam as he watches her mother walk away. Honora elbows him in the ribs and Duran sighs.

 “Honestly Liam...that’s the queen! Must you drool over every woman that passes you by?!”

 “Well I don’t drool over you. Besides I prefer a woman... not a little girl such as yourself. Besides you’re not packing much in the way of the chest area.” Duran runs his hand over his face as Honora looks down at her chest with a red face. She wraps her arms over them defensively, while Liam snickers.

 “You’re an asshole! Nothing but a damn pervert!” She grabs the hilt of her sword, but Duran grabs her hand.

 “Easy there Honora...you two have really been acting like a bunch of children these last few weeks.” He says sternly. “We are in the presence of the princess, show some respect guys.”

 They both mumbled their apologies and Althea just smiles. “It’s quite alright Duran...I think their arguments are very refreshing...it doesn’t bother me at all. You aren’t being rude or disrespectful at all.”

 “If you say so, Your Highness…”

 As they started to walk her to her bedroom she felt a sickening feeling in her stomach. The last time she had seen Lord Derrick, he had made her extremely uncomfortable. The way he touched her and how his eyes would travel up and down her body, it wasn’t something she wanted to experience again. As she bid her knights goodnight, she stood in front of her mirror and looked herself up and down. Liam’s words rang in her head as she touched her breasts.

 “Mmm...I don’t have much either...so small…” She sighed as she pulled on her nightgown and blew out the candle by her bed. She brushed out her hair and opened her window, the moonlight illuminating her bedroom. Walking over to the window she looked down at the inner courtyard, the night was very still and quiet. She rubbed her arms as a chilly breeze blew through her room. Although it wasn’t just a breeze that made her rub her arms. It felt as though someone was watching her at the moment. Looking out the window once more she backed away and shut her window, and drew back her curtains. As she climbed into bed, she thought about how nice it was to meet Duran’s friends. It would be nice if she could make more friends. She closed her eyes as she tried to forget the feeling of someone watching her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[badbitchwhomeditates]

Who the fuck is this bitch?!

Read that again. 

The answer is complex, not simple, which is what complex means you dumb fuck ( beep language kiddo). Ok, lets try that again...

Bad Bitch Who Meditates, a 23 year old singer with dreams bigger than the world itself, which is both a good and a bad thing, we will get to the importance of duality later. Either way she´s been struck by lightning and pushed into a corner loads of times in an industry where you have to fight to be heard and seen through the smallest of cracks. And yes I might also speak about myself in third person a lot, simply because I'm practicing being the main character from all perspectives, telling my story but also making everyday feel like an adventurous movie ( therefore the narrator vibes help).

Complaining, complaning, victim mindset bla bla bla you might think, im not gonna bore you, you know that things can be quite shit and you’ve probably heard about the `struggling artist” and all of that before. 

 Lets spread some more negativity shall we ey? 

Maybe not that either, im just welcoming you in to my brain and my stream of consciousness on the journey of becoming or remaining? we shall see.

Im not gonna be here being all fairy lights and glitter in my eyes either, I am tho some days, but lately I’ve been bad, not a bitch cause I would never, slightly a bitch towards myself and I haven’t really done my meditation, its like the second I put down ” bad bitch who meditates, thats my slogan” in a song, I was like, cool its in a tune now so I’ve done the work I can relax. 

Nope, it doesn’t stop. 

Consistency in self care, healthy habits and your mental diet, the way you speak to yourself, it doesn’t stop. And its fkn annoying sometimes, especially when your chemical imbalance is so imbalanced that you don’t wanna get out of bed. Ive probably dealed with anxiety and depression since my debut on X-factor, oh yeah shit sorry, I have a name too, Im Awa and I won X-factor Sweden at 15 years old, completely changed my life like a marriage, for better or for worse. In that marriage I found myself, lost myself and now im kind of finding myself again...

Ok this is the part below where you get to knoooow me or something...

 I guess why I wanted to start blogging again is A) I need to hold myself accountable to remain consistent with my glow up, cause I can proudly say I’ve really done some amazing progress and inner work B) I need to continue doing that and find my healthy balance and not put too much pressure on myself, ya get me? C) maybe help take away the stigma regarding mental health, and I wanna focus on the solutions, thats my whole new life concept 10 % problems, 90 % solutions, like if we are discussing something thats the ratio. Cause how can we ever see a solution if we go slow dancing w the problem for ages? 

 I know it can feel fkn amazing and cozy, like when you’ve been in bed w someone thats clearly not good for your heartstrings but you stay there anyway because for right now it feels all warm and fuzzy. 

Oh silly girl, I mean forgiveness, forgiving other people and forgiving myself that is def something we are going to have to discuss as well, its one of the things I’ve tried to commit to this year. Ive come to the conclusion that its harder forgiving yourself after being too nice, theres only so much space on the scale for resentment, but you go to bed with you all the time and you beat yourself up on why you allowed that to happen? (Did that make any sense??) 

Again, another lesson, feedback that we can grow from. Mind management, one of my fav terms, mind over matter. Damn sure that can feel extremely provocative said in the wrong situation. Im gonna be honest on here, ill make an oath or whatever its called ( oh yeah im also Swedish so we will have communication problems here and there, but whatever, I call that acceptance) ill be honest, personal but not private cause I need to protect my energy. 

I would declare myself a self care queen but babe writing this, I just had a massive argument w my friend, that made me sad ( oh im a cry baby too, thats even the title of my EP lol), I hate conflict but im really trying so hard to stand up for myself and understand that my feelings are valid too and that uncomfortable situations are growing pains for our souls. I had my first panic attack in ages because this year is just shit and things that I’ve worked on for so long just crumbled down in front of me and I just felt like I was again taking two steps forward and one step back but at least we are moving. 

Im not all sad, I’ve rightfully so have had a few bad 72 hours I would say, I don’t like this time of the year that much.  But I know why, because I've been slacking w my routines, the ones we´ve carefully selected through trial and error inna real life and w my therapist ( she's real too but you get what im sayin) , it's ok not to be ok either but we have to put some kind of time limit on it so we don't sink into that deep hole again, i don't wanna go back there and I know what keeps me with my head above water and sometimes even frkn flying. We wanna stay consistent w the flying, that feels good, that's a goal now ok? Cause I used to fall into that trap of the deep hole until the pain of the known got far greater than the fear of the unknown. 

Im happy we are here today, because as I said 10/90, nothing last forever, good or bad, which is comforting. Things will get better and we hold so much more power in our minds and souls than we realize that ultimately will mirror how we experience life. So im going to be on here, at least once a week, my therapist tells me not to set up crazy goals that I know I might not do because then it will make me feel shit etc so once a week feels reasonable.

 Im open to suggestions about what we can chat about, ill share my 10/90, I want my clever friends to maybe drop a quote or blog here and there, Im good on camera, like vlogs or some shit. I probably wont bring you around all the time cause I don’t have the technological brain cells for that to be very honest with you. Maybe ill just come up with cute formats to the camera, thats a word you are going to hear a lot, ”format”, I have a concierge business w my friend Amy on the side of my music career called ” Pure Intuition”, basically we create events, formats and campaigns for brands and make them come true with the right profile etc and we create FORMATS, but if you missed it or if I was unclear Im a super cool singer signed to Columbia UK which was my childhood dream, so we are going to make Columbia our BITCH in 2021 hihi <3 <3. I studied economic entrepreneurship in college and im very business savvy, I love creating formats lol. Im slowly but surely building my fempire. What else, boys, I like boys, men, cute ” god spent some extra time on you”- looking boys, I mean men. I guess we will touch on that in the most anonymous manner, maybe ill just share some past flings cause you know, they’re in the past, passé. So yeah who the fuck is this bitch? you will find out alongside me, myself and I

get ready for the ride

love and light,

badbitchwhomeditates 

[ranger-lcat]

Cold Qrow

For @fairy-anon-godmother , who put this idea into the universe.

Qrow catches a cold when they first get to Atlas. Cause it’s cold and he is not dressed for the weather.

Edit - I wrote another part  Edit - I wrote a third part

—

“I meant it when I said it was good to see you.” 

“Uh… yeah… you too.” Qrow mumbles rubbing his neck. 

Ironwood closed the few steps and pulled him into a hug. It took Qrow a moment for his brain to catch up and he rolled his eyes as he returned the gesture. The warmth and familiarity was welcome, even if the metal was extra hard.  They pull away and stand there awkwardly for a moment. Qrow glanced over to where the kids had been prior. It appeared that they had wandered off, lead by the plucky red-head that had saved them earlier. Qrow could still hear her voice echoing down the hall. 

“Is there a place for me to sleep tonight?”

“There is room in my quarters.” James offered. 

“Lead the way.” Qrow waves his hand, gesturing for Ironwood to proceed.

They walk in silence, footsteps against the tiled floor unnaturally loud. The halls were probably less echoey when there were students. Ironwood’s personal quarters were at the top of one of the secondary towers. So there was another awkward elevator ride up.

*Achoo* Qrow sniffs.

“Bless you.” James, ever polite and proper.

“Someone must be talking about me.” He jokes. *Achoo* “Ugh, I bet it’s Winter…” he rubs his nose, trying to get rid of the itch that seemed to settle in it. 

The elevator dinged as they arrived at the top. The apartment was clean, but gave off the feeling that it was more for show than anything. Qrow doubted James spent much time up here. Ironwood walked in first and went straight for the hall closet to pull a set of blankets out.

“Just let me set up the guest room for you.” He says entering one of the other rooms.

“Wait… set up?” He followed Ironwood into the room. There was a bare mattress and boxes filling the floor. It would take some time to have it up to ‘Atlas Standards’. “Woah. Woah. It’s too late to have to set up a room. I’ll be fine on the couch.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Jimmy, I’ve slept on way worse during some of my missions. Just give me a blanket.” Ironwood extracted one of the sheets from his pile, leaving the rest on the bed for the next day.

“Let me at least find you something more comfortable to sleep in.” Ironwood offers, slipping past Qrow and into his own bedroom.

“Is anything you have gonna fit me?” Qrow leans into the doorframe. 

“I’m sure something will work.” He walks over and hands Qrow a set of folded clothes. “Try these. Bathrooms to the right.”

Qrow nodded and took the clothes. The bathroom was clean, but at least it felt lived in. He peeled his gear off, shivering as his skin is exposed to the cold air, and tossing everything onto the hamper James had in the corner. He probably could due with a shower… tomorrow. Instead he put the clothes James had lent him on. Sweatpants and a t-shirt with Atlas Academy printed in them. 

Qrow rolled his eyes, as much as he didn’t want to look like one of the students, his gear wasn’t comfortable to sleep in. He cinched the pants so they would stay up and debated just leaving it at that, sleeping shirtless. Of course that would put all his scars on display… he puts the shirt on. 

James is waiting in his doorway when Qrow leaves. His uniform jacket was off, leaving just the shirt and pants. 

“Are you sure the couch will be ok, it’s more designed for looks than comfort.” 

“Yes, it will be fine.”

—

It was not fine. The couch was soft enough, his body just refused to let him rest. It felt like a haze had fallen over him, rather than sleep. 

Too early he heard a faint beeping that was stopped and replaced with the sounds of Ironwood getting up and moving. 

No use trying to sleep more so Qrow sits up, rubbing his face to try and remove the exhaustion. And the fuzziness. He sniffs. He was congested… great…

It sounded like Ironwood was doing something in the kitchen. Hopefully coffee, before walking into the living room, Qrow can see he’s already dressed in his uniform. 

“Good morning.” James greats him. “Did you sleep well.”

“Fine.” Gods did he really sound that bad. 

“Do you feel ok?”

“I’m fine.” The congestion making that statement unbelievable.

“You don’t sound, or look fine. Let me get a medic.” He pulls out his scroll.

“No. No medic. It’s just a cold. I’m fine.” Qrow waves his hand around. The only thing worse than being sick was doctors. He didn’t need someone to come and tell him to rest and drink fluids. Especially if he planned to ignore them. “I just need some coffee.” 

“I don’t think coffee is gonna fix this, you should rest today.”

“And let the kids loose in Atlas? That seems like a great idea.” Qrow forces himself to stand. His balance feels off but he’s determined to get past James and get himself coffee. 

“I’m sure Penny and the Ace Ops have them covered.” James doesn’t move as Qrow tries to push him out of the way. “And I’m sure they’d tell you the same thing once they noticed.”

“It’s just a cold. I don’t need rest.” Qrow shoves harder, actually getting enough space to walk between Ironwood and the couch. The problem is a few steps away the world tilts. 

He has to blink a few times to realize the only reason he didn’t fall is Ironwood’s arms. He’s still really dizzy. 

“Perhaps you should rest in a bed.”

“You’re not setting up that room for me now.”

“Of course not, mine is free.” 

James could have very easily carried Qrow. Qrow knows it. But it was a point of pride that he still tried to walk, even if clinging to James’s robotic arm was the only way to keep from falling. The bed had been made already, but James pulls the coverers down for him. 

“Always the gentleman.” Qrow mutters as he gets in. Ironwood leaves and returns, placing a glass of water on the nightstand. 

“Is there anything you need?” 

Stay. “Im fine.” 

“Very well, I’ll be back in an hour.”

“What?” Qrow pushes himself up to look at Ironwood, “Don’t you have important meetings?”

“I can do most of it from here, and since you refuse to see a medic—“

“It’s just a cold!”

“And I want to make sure it doesn’t get any worse.” Ironwood straightened his tie. “Now drink your water and get some sleep. There are a couple of things that I need to handle in person. I’ll be back soon.” He closes the door as he leaves. 

Qrow flops back into the bed. He can see the water set on the nightstand and he is kinda thirsty. Rolling over he drinks half and sets it back, or tries too. It ends up tipping off and falling on the ground. 

“Shit…” the glass isn’t broken, just the water soaking into the carpet. He debates for a second before deciding he’s too dizzy and justs leaves it. Instead he buries himself in the covers. 

---

Qrow wakes up with violent sneeze and a sniff. He groaned as the aches in his body made themselves known. Something cool rests on his forehead. His eyes fly open. 

James is resting his metal hand on Qrows forehead, his thumb rubbing circles against his temple. The cool was nice and the gentle touch eased some tension. The natural hand was holding up the scroll displaying official looking documents as James lounged on the bed. 

Qrow grumbled as the scroll buzzed and another message appeared on the screen. That was gonna get annoying.

“Are you feeling better?” Ironwood set his scroll into his lap. It buzzed again.

“Busy as ever I see.” Qrow nuzzles into the cool of the metal palm. James smiles softly.

“I thought you felt warm, so I turned the cooling up.” 

“Useful.”

“Yes. Are you hungry? I brought back some stew for you.”

“Stew for breakfast huh?”

“Most important meal. It needs to be filling.”

“I could eat.” 

James nods and puts his scroll down, leaving to presumably go to the kitchen. The scroll buzzed a few more times, rattling on the nightstand. Qrow glares at it. It was tempting to just throw it out the window, but it was unlikely the windows opened this high up. Instead he tried to grab it so he could turn it off. It slipped out of his hand and flopped onto the carpet. At least now it didn’t rattle when it vibrated.

“And stay there.” He huffed at it.

“Please don’t argue with my scroll, I tend to get more messages when I do.” James returns with a tray.

“Oh, he does remember how to be funny.” Qrow teases. He shuffles to sit up and accept the tray into his lap.

“Unfortunately, I’m not kidding.” He picks the scroll up and reads through the new messages. Sighing heavily and typing a response back.

“So what is this exactly.” Qrow stirred the stew around. Looked like pasta and meat. 

“Goulash. It’s popular with the students from Mantel.”

“Alright then,” he takes a few bites. It was surprisingly flavorful. “Mmm. Spicy.” Qrow sniffs. His congestion was clearing and he could breathe again. 

He practically inhaled the bowl. The heat of the spices filling his stomach. He was sad when it was gone, but he was full anyway. Comfort and warmth pulsing through his body. 

James took the tray away, replacing it with a glass of water. Qrow wishes he had been given that first, the liquid dulled the heat in his core. When that was gone the dishes were taken away and James returned to his relaxed position on the bed, still trying to keep pace with the incoming mail. He’d silenced the notifications at least.

Qrow curled as close to Ironwood as he dared. Apparently not close enough, as he was pulled flush to James’s side, head now resting on his chest. Gentle hair stroking made Qrow relax.

He felt warm and safe.

[vocalfriespod]

Wikitongues Transcript

Megan Figueroa: Hi. Welcome to the Vocal Fries podcast, the podcast about linguistic discrimination.

Carrie Gillon: I’m Carrie Gillon.

Megan Figueroa: I’m Megan Figueroa. I’m a wee bit sick.

Carrie Gillon: Yes. But at least you have a voice.

Megan Figueroa: Just in case anyone was wondering.

Carrie Gillon: People were.

Megan Figueroa: It’s the podcasting – it’s the life. Sometimes, you have to go on the air when you’re sick. [Laughs]

Carrie Gillon: We have an email from Jeffrey. “Dear Carrie and Megan, I recently finished listening to ‘Practice Makes Easier’ and I wanted to tell you how it helped me. I’m an attorney specializing in start-up companies in the San Francisco Bay area. “As you know, or at least can imagine, this area attracts immigrants from all over the world with high concentrations from China and India, among other places. Many of my clients are founded by and employ a large number of non-native English speakers. At on onsite presentation I gave today, I think I was one of maybe three native English speakers in the room.

“Thinking of the episode, I made a special effort to remember that many folks were not native English speakers. I usually like to think of my job as translating law speak into English, but now I’ve come to see that maybe there’s a second step of translation involved as well. I’m putting an extra effort into being as clear as I can and also very, very patient. In the words, try not to be an asshole.”

Megan Figueroa: Aww, Jeffrey! [Laughter]

Carrie Gillon: “I just thought that you should know that your podcast is actually changing behavior. I enjoy it very much, although I sorta hope I wasn’t an asshole before I started listening either. Please keep up the good work. Jeff.”

Thank you so much!

Megan Figueroa: Wow! A little sneak peek behind the scenes again. Carrie was like, “I have an email” and I was wondering if it was tooting our own horn. And she kinda hinted that, yes – yes, it is. But I didn’t know it’d be tooting our horn so good.

Carrie Gillon: Yeah, no. This is really nice. It’s exactly what we wanna do in the world, right?

Megan Figueroa: Yeah. That’s fantastic. I doubt that people that listen – I like to think that people that listen to our podcast aren’t huge assholes – raging assholes – in the first place. I’m sure Jeff was not a huge asshole in the first place, but I really appreciate that email. Thank you.

Carrie Gillon: Yeah. Me too.

Megan Figueroa: I mean, I, too, learn from our podcast because, I mean, we have people that – we have guests on here for a reason because we don’t know everything. It’s definitely made me more thoughtful as well.

Carrie Gillon: Me too.

Megan Figueroa: I like hearing that. And thank you, Dr. Melissa. There was a little Twitter fiasco around a very racist tweet related to language that we missed that we didn’t get to talk about. Luckily, someone screen shot it because it was deleted.

Carrie Gillon: Well, rightfully so. This was definitely one of those tweets that you should be like, “Oops.”

Megan Figueroa: I think that that’s what happened. Because it’s – I actually don’t know how many people follow this Twitter. So, I’m looking at the screen shot and it’s @HSTeachProbs – “teacher problems,” “high school teacher problems” – and it says, “‘I ain’t trippin’ is probably one of the most annoying phrases a student can say. What are some other annoying phrases your kids say that get under your skin?”

Carrie Gillon: “#Stuffstudentssay" and I'm fixing this: "#teacherproblems.”

Megan Figueroa: Then, you shared with me someone’s lovely tweet. This is @KaiserMoore. “I feel like all the white teachers saying that African American Vernacular English is annoying should be removed from predominantly black schools. They’re clearly holding prejudice against the students they are supposed to be there to help.” Which – absolutely.

Carrie Gillon: The reason why I even saw this was because someone else quote-tweeted it and said something like “All teachers should be removed from all schools” – “Any teacher who has these ideas should be removed from all schools.” And I was like, “Yeah. You’re right.” I mean, yes, it’s more of a problem when you’re in a class with black children, but if you’re infecting children with these ideas regardless of their race, it’s very problematic.

Megan Figueroa: Absolutely. I mean, that’s gonna be coming through in whatever you do, then. Obviously, when you think that you hold different ways of speaking above each other and, as we’ve learned on the show, that means that you are holding people above each other. I mean, you’re creating a hierarchy here and you’re passing that on if you believe that – if you’re teaching kids from that point of view.

Carrie Gillon: If we wanna fight white supremacy, I mean, the biggest source of it is white people, right? We want the white kids not to pick up on these ideas. Granted, obviously there’s gonna be other places where they can. But at least in the school we should be helping them not pick up these ideas.

Megan Figueroa: It sucks though because that’s still the biggest population of teachers just from the way that things have shaken out is white women.

Carrie Gillon: Yes. There are a variety of reasons for that. Because it used to be, at least, more gender-balanced but then the pay was so bad men won’t do it anymore. And then, yeah, there’s obviously reasons why it’s mostly white women. Obviously, not all white women are gonna have these kinds of racist ideas but many, many do.

Megan Figueroa: Right. Let us hope that there’re some that hold this view that, when told, they’re like, “Oh, shit.”

Carrie Gillon: “That was a bad thing to think” – yes.

Megan Figueroa: Yes.

Carrie Gillon: Well, let’s hope that because they deleted the tweet, they realized how bad it actually was.

Megan Figueroa: And not just because they were like, “I don’t wanna deal” –

Carrie Gillon: “Deal with it.”

Megan Figueroa: Exactly. It’s sad for me because this is a reminder – I don’t think that this is uncommon. That’s the problem that this is –

Carrie Gillon: It’s incredibly common. I mean, we know this. I didn’t get this exact message from my classes but – from my teachers – but something kind of like it that there were “correct” ways of speaking and “correct” ways of writing. And, yeah, there was hidden anti-blackness and anti-indigeneity and anti-everything else in there. It was just more subtle.

Megan Figueroa: Yeah. Absolutely. No. It’s not an innocuous thing to say, “I ain’t trippin’ isn’t” – “I hate when my students say that.” This is no innocuous. This is part of a much bigger problem. I dunno. I dunno what the message is here. Just the message that we always have, I guess. Don’t be an asshole.

Carrie Gillon: At least, at the very least, keep your bad ideas about language to yourself because it’s not helping you. It’s not helping the kids that you teach, and it’s not helping the communities around you. Stop.

Megan Figueroa: I know. Think about it a little bit – about where this is coming from our why you might think this.

Carrie Gillon: We all have things to unpack. All of us. All of us have grown up with bad ideas about language in particular and other things in general.

Megan Figueroa: Absolutely.

Carrie Gillon: You’ve gotta work through it but don’t work through it on Twitter. [Laughter] All right. Yeah. This is episode really fun and uplifting.

Megan Figueroa: Yeah. It almost sounds like we never have anything fun or uplifting to say. Like, “Let’s preface this by saying, ‘Hey! This is a fun, uplifting episode today.’”

Carrie Gillon: I guess they’re usually a least somewhat uplifting. It’s just that there’s something even more uplifting about this one because it’s the living languages episode, right? It’s about Wikitongues, which allows people to upload their own language video or audio – although they encourage video – so people can at least record what their language is actually like right now regardless of what it was like in the past, regardless of what it will be like in the future, just a snapshot. It’s just – I love it.

Megan Figueroa: I love it too. It’s a reminder that language is living. And it’s okay that it changes.

Carrie Gillon: Language will always change no matter what you try to do. Colonization had this huge impact on many different languages, and I don’t wanna ignore that, but it is what it is. Languages would’ve changed even if that hadn’t happened.

Megan Figueroa: Right. To have a little place on the internet to celebrate what your language sounds like now is lovely.

[Music]

Carrie Gillon: Okay. Today, we have Daniel Bögre Udell who’s the co-founder of Wikitongues, a non-profit organization that aims to document all of the world’s languages. Welcome, Daniel.

Megan Figueroa: Thanks for being here.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Thank you for having me.

Carrie Gillon: Of course!

Megan Figueroa: Excited to talk about this today. I’ve heard of Wikitongues, but I don’t know much about it. I don’t know anything, actually. I don’t know how old or young – you’re gonna tell us all about that, right?

Daniel Bögre Udell: It’s funny. I’ve been following Vocal Fries on Twitter for a while and so, Carrie, when I found out that you and I would be on that show together, I was excited because it was an opportunity to meet you too.

Carrie Gillon: Yeah. It was an interesting experience. It was really strange being on a TV show that will be shown soon, I think. It was all very professional. There’s a panel. And I was, like, way far away if you’re in Phoenix. And that was in London, I believe.

Daniel Bögre Udell: It was my first remote talking head experience actually.

Carrie Gillon: Yeah. Me too.

Megan Figueroa: Oh, wow. Was it a BBC thing?

Carrie Gillon: No. It was a Turkish news channel. I don’t remember what it was called. Do you remember, Daniel?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Off the top of my head, I do not. Well, the show itself was called “Round Table,” but I don’t remember what the network was.

Megan Figueroa: Okay. Well, very cool. We’ll have to share that when it comes out.

Carrie Gillon: Definitely. So, tell a us a little bit about Wikitongues. How old is it? Why did you start it? Etc.?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Sure. Wikitongues started in 2014 as a non-profit initiative to crowd-source documentation in every language. We started with oral histories because that is a kind of linguistic documentation that is easy to do without a lot of training or advanced equipment. Pretty much anybody with a smartphone or with access to a smartphone can produce them.

We did that for two reasons, 1.) language revitalization is only possible when accessible documentation is available in the language in question and, from a question of representation and inclusion, we thought it would be an interesting online project to try and represent every language in the world, which is in effect representing every culture in the world.

As we grew, we started to get the question, “How do I save my language?” which is an incredibly loaded question and one to which there really isn’t a systemic answer despite all the work on language revitalization over the past few decades. Starting this year, we’re actually teaming up with the Living Tongues Institute for Endangered Languages to build a toolkit for people who wanna get started with language activism in their communities.

The idea is giving people a framework to do a health check on their language. So, if you are worried about the future of your language, you can actually assess what it needs because different languages need different things, right? If your language has already been documented and the community has that documentation, maybe what you actually need is a framework for community organizing to keep it relevant for young people. Or maybe your language actually is undocumented or under-documented and you actually need to start from the beginning with oral histories, dictionaries, whatever.

The idea is to give people the framework for doing this health check and then a roadmap to achieving what needs to be achieved. Because over the past 30 years, there has been a ground swell of language activism around the world and there are successful cases of languages being revitalized, or perhaps a better way to put it is there are successful cases of cultures keeping their languages alive – people asserting their cultural sovereignty.

There are universal lessons there, we think, that can be applied because there are cases of languages being revitalized with the help of a government. And there are cases of languages being revitalized in an entirely unfunded and grassroots way with no institutional support. Then, there are cases where people have attempted to keep their languages alive and not succeeded, right? Our hope is to be able to build a very wide and open front door to the process of language activism.

Megan Figueroa: You said, “crowd source,” and I think sometimes – I’m always skeptical when I hear that because it’s so sad in the US how we have to crowd source, like, people’s medical bills and all this stuff. But this is one of those things where I feel like crowd sourcing is the right thing to do, that way the community can be involved. You may hear from groups that we didn’t know that wanted some outside help or whatever – or these frameworks to work with.

I like the idea that the internet can be used for crowd sourcing in this way, especially when we get kind of jaded when we see all the ways where it’s kinda sad that we have to crowd source things.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Yeah. The internet is powerful technology, and all powerful technology has good and bad application. In this case, I think it’s good application. What we’re doing would not be possible without the internet. One really positive thing from the past few years is that increasingly more and more people have access to internet. It’s not always stable. It’s not always good. But, for the first time, they have it.

What’s interesting is every now and then we’ll get contacted by someone who just got internet in their town, and the internet’s not very good yet, but they wanna contribute soon. There was someone who reached out to use from the interior of Papua New Guinea. One of the first things that he wanted to do was see if there are other people around the world that are concerned about this, and he found that there were.

It’s a very, very exciting thing that makes me very optimistic. I really am pretty confident that the internet is going to be a really positive thing for marginalized peoples because it offers a way to organize around your language when your community has been culturally displaced.

Carrie Gillon: It’s been great to see, for example, on Twitter people using their language – just tweeting in their language and not using the dominant language, which has been really fun.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Absolutely. It really creates an opportunity for breathing space for your language because one of the most challenging things for language revitalization movements is, if your community has been culturally displaced, it becomes almost impossible to use your language in the ancestral homeland because it’s been displaced by a more dominant one.

With the internet, you can circumvent that and create Whatsapp groups and Facebook groups and other online forums where you can use the language on a daily basis without the pressure of a locally dominant one. That’s an increasingly common tactic among language activists. And it usually leads to good results.

Carrie Gillon: What has been one of your favorite results that you’ve been a part of?

Daniel Bögre Udell: That’s a really good question. We’re just starting to scratch the surface of support for language activist movement, so I would feel very uncomfortable necessarily giving Wikitongues credit for an actual language revitalization initiative. We have definitely been a platform for people looking to amplify some of their work.

I don’t wanna say I have a favorite, but some of the ones from the past year that have been particularly meaningful to me is the Kihunde language in the Democratic Republic of Congo. It only has about 200,000 thousand speakers. Children are learning it but it’s very under-documented and it has no institutional support. Wikitongues has been a channel for a man named Hangi Bulebe, who is at the center of this effort to keep the language alive, teach it to children, standardize it, and all that.

He said that being able to share the language on a global platform like Wikitongues has helped accelerate work for him because he says when people in the community look at him skeptically, he says, “Well, look, people from other countries care about our language. Why can’t we?” That, he said, has resonated with people. I met him in person for the first time in Rwanda a couple months ago and this was one of the things he said, which was just fabulous.

Another movement that we have been a platform for amplifying is – and, really, that I just feel privileged to get to be close to – is the effort to revitalize the Tunica language of Louisiana, which went dormant in 1948. If you haven’t had any of the members of that community on your show, you should definitely invite them because they’re doing really, really cool work and they love sharing it with the rest of the world.

They’re one of the languages that prompted Ethnologue to add a “reawakening” category to the language vitality scale because they – the language went dormant in 1948. In the 1980s, a woman named Donna Pierite decided that she wanted to revitalize it, and that was partly because her husband is Choctaw. He was learning Choctaw. Choctaw is a language that is still being taught to children and still spoken natively.

She paused and said, “Wait. We don’t actually have our language anymore. But we had one.” So, she would go to Baton Rogue and New Orleans to photocopy old dictionaries and grammars and things that were kinda stored away in university archives, and she brought the language home that way and made it a family activity. She reclaimed Tunica, taught it to her children.

For a long time, they were the movement – their family was the movement to revitalize Tunica. In the 90s, they started sending out newsletters – physical newsletters because the internet mailing lists were still a fresh technology – and other families started to get involved in that way. Something happened in the late – like, 2010 or something around that year – where they got some support, academic support, from linguists in New Orleans and over that next few years they were able to convince the tribal government to actually allocate funding and resources for the program.

Now, I think upwards of 10% of the tribe is enrolled in language immersion. They have 32 new fluent speakers, hence the new “reawakening” category. This is very inspiring to me, personally. One of my more immediate ancestral languages is Yiddish, which means I also have a connection to the Hebrew language, which went dormant in the second century and was revitalized in the 1800s by Jewish activists at that time.

For a long time, that was the only instance of a dormant language being reclaimed by its people. The Tunica are another case of that. In so enthusiastically promoting their work online and around the world, I think it’s a source of inspiration for other people. So, those are two cases that I feel very grateful to have been close to.

Megan Figueroa: I know people are in their communities doing work, but sometimes the help or support they need is really just amplification, which is really great that Wikitongues can do something like that. Those are really good examples of it. Because maybe the framework that they need is just how can I get a bigger audience to hear our oral histories because this is something that we want to share, or we just want people to know what we’re doing.

So, it’s really great that that’s where Wikitongues is coming from. Because linguists have gone into communities and kind of been this savior-type people. They try to be the savior-type people or force things on people. I know, just, linguistics has this terrible history, so it’s really lovely to hear something where it’s like this is about the people and what they need – or what they want – and sometimes that’s just sharing.

Daniel Bögre Udell: There’s one language activist in Scotland – his name’s Àdhamh Ó Broin – and if either of you watch that Showtime show, Outlander, he’s the Gaelic dialect coach for that show. He’s very, very intent on keeping alive his dialect – or his variety of Scottish Gaelic – which is moribund. They’re classified as moribund. Scottish Gaelic, obviously, is not classified as moribund.

He is linguistically trained, right? He is actually a linguist. He just happens to be a dialect coach. He’s very able to do the documentation work. That is not a challenge for him. For him, he said his biggest desire is just to talk to other people who are doing this work because sometimes it can be lonely. There’s a huge community building and solidarity aspect to it.

I do wanna say that at least in my experience over the past several years, there’s been a huge shift in linguistics to be the discipline that supports people in this work, especially the new generation of linguistics who’re doing incredible work. The question is, how can we standardize some of these processes? Like, the Tunica did something correct, right? That can be replicated, not exactly the same way because every community has different needs, but there are universal lessons that everyone can have been there just aren’t enough field linguists in the world to help everybody who needs help.

It needs to be thought of in these systemics terms. I’m excited that we can be part of that conversation and hopefully, actually, behind some producing materials that can be useful to people.

Megan Figueroa: Well, I really like the idea that can be their own community’s field linguist, so that’s something that can facilitate that because you’re right that there aren’t enough PhD field linguists that can go everywhere or have particular skills for a particular community. The idea that you could be your own community’s field linguist is really great.

It’s funny because I’ve been thinking, I dunno, all these think pieces about the new decade and has the internet ruined us and what has the internet done in the last 10 years. It’s nice to hear these stories about how the internet can actually make the world smaller in a good way.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Yeah. I mean, I’m very optimistic. I think the internet obviously has its problems, but I worry that a lot of the critiques of the internet come from jaded people who live in places that have had the internet for a very long time and who just spend too much time on –

Megan Figueroa: Twitter?

Daniel Bögre Udell: – following people on – yeah. And I love Twitter, but you can unfollow people if they’re annoying. So much of this is – nobody who just got the internet last year is mad about it. Right? So, a little global context would be nice beyond “Partisan arguments on twitter are mean-spirited and therefore the internet sucks.” So much of the critique is that. It’s just so limited and is unfortunate.

Carrie Gillon: Yeah. I mean, there are a lot of bad actors on the internet, but it’s true that in some ways you can make your experience better by blocking the ones that are for sure bad actors and focusing on the ones that are good, which is what I do try to do.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Right. There’ve been bad actors since before the internet.

Carrie Gillon: Of course. Just because the internet’s so powerful, it’s really to easy in a bad way, just like it’s really easy to use in a good way. Let’s focus on the good!

Daniel Bögre Udell: That’s right. It’s like nuclear technology – double-edged sword.

Carrie Gillon: Absolutely. 100%. Why is this work so important?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Why is this work important? I think this work is important because language is the vehicle of expression for communities. When a language disappears, it means that a community has collapsed. I saw this BBC headline the other day that was – it was just a headline. I didn’t actually read the article. But the fact that this is the headline that got written as it did is so indicative of how the discourse around this stuff needs to improve.

It was like, “Yeah. Yiddish used to have ten million speakers in Europe and now those numbers have depleted.” [Groaning] Right? It’s like, “No. There was a genocide that murdered everybody.” What we’re talking about is Ashkenazi Jews in Europe were the victims of a massive genocide. That’s why Yiddish’s number of speaks have depleted.

And that’s how we talk about all these languages. Like, Lakota isn’t a “dying” language, Lakota is a language that is taking work to be kept alive because the community has been at the blunt end of genocide, land theft, ethnic cleansing, and other forms of systemic racism. Language revitalization is a way for communities who have been marginalized to assert themselves on the global stage. It’s about justice. It’s about reparation. That’s why I think it’s most important.

Then, there’s this more intangible question of knowledge. Because, in languages, there’s almost always unique vocabulary, which sometimes have biological applications, which is why there’re fields in biology that work with local language speakers to accelerate conservation. It contains prehistories. We know about the Bantu migration and the Bering Strait migration in part because of how languages change across vast geographies. It’s so important. It intersects with everything.

Megan Figueroa: I’m so glad that you brought up the point about Lakota’s not dying – or to say that a language is “dying” – I’ve heard a lot of people starting to say that they don’t like to hear this kind of language around a language, like saying it’s “dying.”

I think that’s such a good point because I’ve been thinking a lot about intergenerational trauma. Even say the Jewish people that did survive the holocaust and did speak Yiddish, there may be some trauma there that makes you not want to pass on a language. I see that in Spanish in the American Southwest. I’m learning more about this and how that’s happening in Ireland with the Irish language.

To remember that things have been done – horrible atrocities have been done – to people and what happens with language is kind of the consequence –

Carrie Gillon: -knock-on effect.

Megan Figueroa: Exactly. I think that’s so important for people to sit and think about.

Carrie Gillon: The thought I had was – I didn’t realize until really recently because I am not Jewish but, I dunno, like a year or two ago someone posted something about, “Did you know that in 1939 there were more Jewish people on the planet than there are now?” and I just couldn’t even believe it. I mean, I believed it, obviously, but you know what I mean? It was just like, “Oh my god. That’s so true.” Obviously, that’s true as soon as you say that.

The tie-in with Yiddish is also very important and, yeah, we really need to talk about these things differently. I know some of the language has changed towards “sleeping” or “dormant,” but that still doesn’t get at the heart of it, which is what you’re talking about, Daniel, which is like, “This is the result of genocide usually.”

Daniel Bögre Udell: Or, if not genocide, at least forced assimilation. The Occitan people weren’t necessarily victims of physical genocide in France, but there was a concerted effort by the French government to erase Occitan identity, culture, and language, and forcibly make the French. How did they do that? The beat children in school who were speaking Occitan. They forbade the use of Occitan in the public sphere.

And, low and behold, within a generation, the people kinda had their culture squeezed out of them. That’s the nicest case. It’s funny that you bring up the intergenerational trauma because there is this other counter-discourse that I hear sometimes which is that, “Well, if the community doesn’t wanna teach their language to their kids anymore, that’s their choice.”

Going back to the Yiddish case because that’s my personal one, it’s like, there’s a reason that my dad wasn’t taught Yiddish. It’s because Ashkenazi Jews fled Europe and they either went to Israel, or they said we’re gonna speak Hebrew now and reclaim this ancient language, or we’re gonna go somewhere else and assimilate. And if we assimilate, they’ll be nice to us.

It’s sad. Language is about so much more – so much more. I was talking to another person you should get on the show. Her name’s Hali Dardar. I forget home to pronounce her last name. She’s from the Houma community in Louisiana. Their language, when it went dormant – potentially problematic description, but for lack of a better phrasing – it was undocumented.

Unlike Tunica, there were no complete dictionaries and grammars gathering dust in libraries. So, they’re in the middle of reconstructing Houma before they can consider reclaiming it. When I asked her what her end-goal was, it’s like, do you want this to be the mother tongue again of Houma people? And said, “Maybe. But I just want us all to feel Houma and not forget.”

That’s really what the core is. Revitalizing language is about community. It’s about history. It’s about your ancestors, your descendants, your place on earth.

Carrie Gillon: And the stories about who you are.

Megan Figueroa: I mean, I think about it because – I’ve talked about it before – how I feel like Spanish was forcibly removed from my generation. But Spanish is always gonna be there for me when I want to learn it. It won’t be, perhaps, not my family’s Spanish, but it’ll be there for me.

Whereas, these languages, are they gonna be there? That’s the question. We want them to be there. But, again, just this horrible ways that we have treated other human being where we’ve got to the point where we are where there are some languages that are, for lack of a better word, “dormant,” it’s not true for everyone that that language will be there for them, unfortunately.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Right. That’s why the documentation side of things is so important. We have one oral history of a language from Vanuatu called Lemerig. It has two known speakers. From what I understand, there isn’t really any active movement to revitalize the language and the culture.

If in 30 years there is, there emerges that desire, it’s important that the language be there for the community to bring it back. With the Tunica case, the last native speaker was the Chief – Sesostrie Youchigant, I think was his name. You can ask them when you bring either Donna or Jean-Luc or any of them on the show.

He worked with a linguist named Mary Haas to produce dictionaries and grammars because he knew that he had to leave the language behind for the next generation. It took 30 years. He passed away in 1948. It was the 80s when Donna Pierite started this movement again. So, thank goodness it was there. Thank goodness he did that. The documentation is so important and the first step, really.

Carrie Gillon: Yeah. It’s the first step that it’s necessary but not sufficient.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Yeah. I’m convinced that there’s actually been a huge shift in the history of cultural diversity over the past couple years and we’re just starting to realize what that is because I think this statistic that half the languages in the world are gonna disappear in 80 years keeps getting touted and that statistic is from the 90s. Even then, there were different estimations.

But let’s be charitable and say this estimation was correct. That was the 90s. There was no Tunica revitalization – well, I guess they had started, but it was still a couple families. There’re just a lot of cases of languages being in a better – and cultures, really, communities – being in a better position now than they were in the 90s.

I mean, there’re probably cases of others being worse. So, maybe the net is not any better. That’s part of what makes this so hard because it’s so vast a scale.

Carrie Gillon: It’s really hard to estimate how many languages really are under extreme threat or just a little bit of threat. It’s hard to really know for sure because we don’t – and no one person has that amount of information. We can’t possibly know.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Exactly. That’s why I think another thing that needs to happen for an infrastructure to sustain cultural diversity at scale is beyond there being these systems or these frameworks for people to do the work in their communities. There needs to be a better survey method that’s more frequent, more consistent.

Carrie Gillon: Because even census data isn’t that good. I mean, it’s really good but, like, it’s not very frequent and it’s not that deep.

Megan Figueroa: It’s different from each country, right?

Carrie Gillon: Exactly. Each country does it differently.

Daniel Bögre Udell: When you look at Ethnologue or Glottolog – they work with what they have. This is no knock on them. But sometimes you’ll see the last datum about this language is 1980. It’s like, “Cool. That’s where this language was 40 years ago.” A lot can happen in 40 years.

I was having a conversation with a Shanghainese person. That’s her heritage language. She doesn’t really speak it. She’s American, I think. But she was like, “How long until Shanghainese dies?” And I was like, “Well, damn. That’s a question.” I was like, “It’s not even classified as endangered.” Maybe it’s not. Maybe this is just her perception. Or maybe she’s getting news from relatives back home that the language is not spoken anywhere near like it was 10 years ago, and the census isn’t even caught up with that.

Of course, Beijing is not gonna be taking censuses about this stuff because they’re one of the few countries that is still actively working to assimilate minorities. This stuff is really messy. There needs to be a better survey method that would probably rely on some self-reporting, which is its own unreliable can of worms.

Carrie Gillon: But I think it’s the best that we would have in this instance. Because there might only be one speaker, and so who else is gonna report it but that one person?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Exactly. There would also have to be a way to report and track language revitalization that would be okay. There’s a new initiative on the ground – and then also keep track of all the different ones. Because the Tunica case is really interesting. It’s got incredible momentum over the past 10 years. But for the first 20 years, it was just a few really persistent people. There’s a lot of variables to track, I think.

Megan Figueroa: Well, and of course, most of these languages do not have institutional support. With institutional support would come, perhaps, some better numbers on things. But that’s not what’s happening. That’s not the reality.

Carrie Gillon: I’m curious about the Yiddish case. I know there was a revitalization effort. Is that still ongoing? And if so, are you involved in that at all?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Not yet. I’m decided that I’m gonna start with the – I’m learning Hebrew right now. And once I get conversational, I’ll move over to Yiddish. The reason I did that is just because all Jewish languages are Hebrew plus something else, right? So, I was like, “I’ll start with the oldest one.” There’s a certain ancestral quality to it that has drawn me to it. I will learn Yiddish when I get a little more proficient in Hebrew.

There is a lot of Yiddish activism right now because, for a long period, the only community that really kept it alive were the different orthodox communities in North America. There was a secular – what was really depleted, as the BBC said, was the secular Yiddish world, which was lively and had theater and literature and all this stuff.

There is a movement to bring that back. A lot of young, especially diaspora, Jews in North America are starting to rediscover that because it really is the one that we can go back a couple generations and find an ancestor speaking. In fact, another guest you should get on the show is a woman named Sandy Fox. She lives between Tel Aviv and New York. She’s part of that whole movement. She actually runs a feminist podcast in Yiddish.

Carrie Gillon: Cool! Definitely need to have her on.

Megan Figueroa: Yeah. Definitely!

Daniel Bögre Udell: She’s great. So, there’s a lot of that. That’s definitely happening. What’s interesting is because the orthodox communities, especially here in New York City, they kept the language alive, it was there for the rest of us – as you put it, Megan – because they had kept the language alive, it was there for the rest of us when we were ready to come back.

Megan Figueroa: As a kid – I’m very millennial-age, and the internet came around for me when I was like 8 or 9. The best part about it is – well, it wasn’t Google then, but whatever kind of search engine I had – I could ask questions like, “Is Yiddish still spoken?” Because I remember watching “Laverne and Shirley” and being like, “What did they say? Like, ‘schlemiel,’ ‘schlimazel’?”

[Excerpt “Laverne and Shirley”]

Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

[End excerpt]

I was like, “What? What is that?” Being able to finally ask – because I was just this kid in Phoenix, Arizona. I knew Mexican culture and that’s about it. I didn’t know whether Yiddish was spoken or was it fake. This is where I was at 8, based on who was around me. I’m just so happy that kids these days – or anyone, I mean, I’m not saying you have to be a kid to know whether if Yiddish is spoken and where – to be able to go to the internet and be like, “Tell me.” Just how powerful knowledge is about language.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Exactly. It’s history, which is interesting and important. So, your ancestral language is Spanish?

Megan Figueroa: Yes. Well, my dad speaks Spanish and my – I have traced it back five generations to Sonora, Mexico, my family.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Incredible. Do you speak it now?

Megan Figueroa: A little bit. I’m more receptive, so I can understand it. I get really skittish about speaking it because I have this shame of people expecting me to have the knowledge that they expect of me because of my last name or because my dad spoke it. That’s where my baggage is at.

Carrie Gillon: There’s also a lot of shaming from other people like, “Oh, you don’t speak the real Spanish.” Makes it hard.

Megan Figueroa: Exactly.

Daniel Bögre Udell: That stuff is so toxic. We’ll get comments on our YouTube channel a lot in that vein like, “This person is not speaking the language well.” And it’s like, “Well, okay. Of course not because of the history of how this person got access to their language. Calm down.” Celebrate that they speak it. It’s all right if it has some loanwords from the dominant language. Our thing is always like, “Okay. Then you send a video.” Sometimes, people do and, sometimes, they go away.

Carrie Gillon: That’s a really good response.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Because that’s our thing, right? We’re not policing authenticity.

Carrie Gillon: No. Nor should you. How would you?

Daniel Bögre Udell: It’s funny how ubiquitous the desire to police authenticity is though because we get those comments from a wide range of communities on every continent. There’s always that person who says, “This person’s not speaking well.” I get the desire to keep the language alive in its most robust state because it probably has better vocabulary than the loanwords that this person is using – but celebrate that they still speak it.

Carrie Gillon: Well, there’s also dialect differences too that sometimes people either forget about or don’t wanna admit exist. So, you come from the wrong family? Oh, that means you’re not speaking correctly. I’ve definitely encountered that as well.

Megan Figueroa: That’s why I like to use the pronouns like “my Spanish,” “This is what my Spanish is,” or “That’s what your French is.” I think it gets around that because, again, I do have these insecurities but it’s like, “No, this one’s mine.” I try to remember that when people are cruel. But it’s true. The policing comes from inside the community, outside the community. It's everywhere.

So, people send videos to Wikitongues?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Yes.

Megan Figueroa: Oh, that’s so cool. I mean, I’m sure there’s just audio recordings as well, but to see videos, what a great resource to have.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Video’s important because it puts a face to the language. It makes the evidence of language and culture a little more explicit. It’s also necessary if you’re looking at every language because at least 300 of the world’s languages are signed. You cannot have an audio recording for that language.

Megan Figueroa: Exactly. That’s exactly the point I was getting to is, I’m so glad that they’re video because – yes. Myself, I probably made this mistake growing up too, a lot of Americans think that ASL is the signed language, but there’re so many signed languages.

Daniel Bögre Udell: In my travels I found this to be a global misconception.

Megan Figueroa: Oh, really? Okay.

Daniel Bögre Udell: I mean, not ASL exactly, but most people think that there is a sign language that all people who are deaf in the whole world speak somehow. And then when you say, “No, they all have different languages,” people have a hard time processing that until you say, “Well, there’s different spoken languages and it’s the same thing.” And they go, “Oh.”

Carrie Gillon: This is probably the most common misconception about language that I’ve encountered as well is that there’s one sign language. For once, it’s not just Americans.

Megan Figueroa: I always like to drag Americans under the bus – [Laughter]

Daniel Bögre Udell: What’s more American than that?

Megan Figueroa: It’s just a recreational activity. [Laughter] I do it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Well, I just think it’s great because, like I said – I’m obviously a linguist, a trained linguist, now – but the internet’s helped me so much to learn about language. I hope our podcast does that as well because I think there’re a lot of things that people might be too scared to ask.

I like to remind everyone that I am very naïve. I’m still – in my 30-plus years and after a PhD program – I’m still very naïve. And I think that we can’t be ashamed.

Carrie Gillon: We can’t possibly know everything.

Megan Figueroa: Yeah. You can’t be ashamed. If you have to go and Google, “Where is Yiddish spoken?” after this, that’s okay.

Carrie Gillon: In fact, I encourage you to do because you will learn something for sure.

Daniel Bögre Udell: It’s totally fine. People always get confused about – because they don’t understand that there’s multiple Jewish languages, and so they’ll confuse Yiddish and Hebrew a lot. And I’m like, “No. Very different.” One’s close to Arabic and one’s close to German. Then, there’s also Ladino and Judeo-Arabic and Judeo-Farsi and Judeo-Malayalam, which is one that I just learned about recently and I’d never even known about existing.

It’s like, okay. Because I think that’s the other thing, I think, when people start, they get really intimidated because culture is so vast, and they don’t wanna be perceived as ignorant or they don’t wanna offend people – a lot of eggshell walking. And it’s like, “No. Just ask the questions. As long as you’re being respectful, it’s fine. No one should be expected to know everything.”

Carrie Gillon: It’s impossible.

Megan Figueroa: Yeah. How are you supposed to know it until you learn it?

Carrie Gillon: And it’s impossible to know everything. It’s just impossible. Just learning a little bit every day, that’s good.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Exactly. Learn one new thing every day.

Carrie Gillon: I think that’s a good life lesson.

Megan Figueroa: I think it is too. It’s also a great plug for listening to Vocal Fries.

Daniel Bögre Udell: By the way, I love your name. Because I actually found you through Twitter because I’m not an avid podcast-listener. I remember when I saw that, I was like – follow.

Carrie Gillon: I’m pretty proud of that.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Are your listeners well prompted on the whole vocal fry?

Megan Figueroa: Yes. And we don’t get hate mail about our voices. I think that that is also a really good thing is like, “Okay. We’re coming right out, and our name is the Vocal Fries, and we’re about linguistic discrimination. Don’t shit on how either one of us talk.”

Daniel Bögre Udell: It’s true. You have a built-in defense barrier, which is pretty cool.

Megan Figueroa: I hope it makes our customers – our customers? – our guests –

Carrie Gillon: What? [Laughs]

Megan Figueroa: – our guests feel comfortable too because we’re like, “You’re safe in this space.”

Carrie Gillon: Yeah. No shaming allowed.

Megan Figueroa: There is no language shaming here. That’s for sure.

Daniel Bögre Udell: No language shaming, baby.

Carrie Gillon: Exactly. How can people support Wikitongues?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Oh, there’s a lot. We’ve only worked with about 500 language communities. I’ve kind of been off the grid for the past few days taking long walks and recovering from New Years, so the number’s probably a little higher now – maybe it’s like 504 or something. But that’s only 14% of every known culture.

There is an endless amount of contribution still to be done to this seedbank of linguistic and cultural diversity. Please, send us videos of your language – whatever that language is and however you speak it. We love all dialects, sociolects, idiolects, accents. Then, of course, you can also donate to Wikitongues – wikitongues.org/donate. Or, if you’re a Patreon user, you can make a monthly pledge on Patreon. You can subscribe to us on YouTube, which also helps.

Wikitongues is a non-profit. All contributions are tax-deductible. They go primarily to supporting the documentation work or now, also research on language revitalization as we work with the Living Tongues Institute to build this toolkit.

Finally, we have grown almost entirely organically over the past five years. Word of mouth is also an insanely valuable contribution to building the community that we’ve built. So, talk about us to your friends, help make the name known more around the world.

Megan Figueroa: Again, I feel a little naïve because I didn’t – I mean, you’ve been around for about 5 years now, and I just never pursued you further, and I feel guilty now. But I’m glad to know you know. That helps, right?

Daniel Bögre Udell: Oh, yeah. Hey, I never messaged you guys. I never tried to slide into the Twitter DM because we’re on the same – [laughter].

Carrie Gillon: Which you definitely could have. We encourage people to let us know if they have something interesting to talk about.

Daniel Bögre Udell: DMs are open.

Megan Figueroa: You know what would be a fun way to contribute – now that I’ve just spent time with family that I actually like, I know not everyone likes their family because family – but you could do that with your elders is ask them to contribute, and you can do it yourself. You can help them. You can use your smartphone. It’s a way to preserve some of your family’s culture too.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Absolutely. That’s something that I should have clarified a moment ago. Send us your language, but you can also send us your friend’s language too. You can send us your neighbor’s language. You can help people to participate. There was one volunteer in our very early days named Plator Gashi from Kosovo. He travelled all up and down the Baltics and must have contributed oral histories in up to 30 or 40 different languages.

Megan Figueroa: Wow. That’s very cool.

Daniel Bögre Udell: He is a remarkable individual. But, yeah, it doesn’t have to be you speaking is what I’m saying.

Megan Figueroa: Absolutely. That’s what I was thinking because I know some people might be shy. You don’t have to do a video either, right, it could be audio only?

Daniel Bögre Udell: It could be audio. We won’t publish it on YouTube if it’s just audio, but we will archive it. We’re on the verge of rolling out an accessible archive on our website so you can actually browse every video we’ve ever done, which is a long time in the making. But when you’re a non-profit, resources are limited, and tech is resource intensive.

We also are on the verge of rolling out templates for other kinds of documentation like phrasebooks, wordlists. If you do want to send us videos in the meantime, these templates are not yet out, but if you wanna send us videos, just head over to Wikitongues.org and you will see “Submit a Video” in the toolbar. There’s a form to fill out and a Google form if that doesn’t work.

Megan Figueroa: Awesome. We’ll be happy to update our listeners whenever ya’ll make progress on the new templates or projects.

Daniel Bögre Udell: Thank you. There’s a lot this year. I am grateful to have kicked it off with the Vocal Fries. Thank you for – [excited exclamations]

Carrie Gillon: Thank you so much.

Megan Figueroa: Well, it was so lovely to meet you virtually.

Daniel Bögre Udell: You too.

Megan Figueroa: Do you know how to say, “Don’t be an asshole?”

Daniel Bögre Udell: No. Not yet.

Carrie Gillon: That would be high level.

Megan Figueroa: It’s fine. One day.

Daniel Bögre Udell: That’s a great thing to learn how to say in a language. That should be a core phrasebook – we should add that to our phrasebook template.

Carrie Gillon: You should. Even if you make it slightly nicer and just say, “jerk,” I still think it’s an important thing for people to be able to say.

Megan Figueroa: Or “Be nice.” Something like that.

Carrie Gillon: “Be nice” is probably already in there, I’m guessing.

Megan Figueroa: Yeah.

Daniel Bögre Udell: “Don’t be an asshole”’s more fun though, right?

Carrie Gillon: It is way more fun!

Megan Figueroa: That’s why we always tell our listeners to not be an asshole. They know we mean it with love.

Carrie Gillon: It also feels more boundary-enforcing, which is sometimes really important.

Megan Figueroa: I can see that, yeah. I never thought of it that way.

Daniel Bögre Udell: On that note –

Megan Figueroa: So, don’t be an asshole.

Carrie Gillon: Don’t be an asshole. [Laughter]

[Music]

Carrie Gillon: Okay. We would like to thank our newest patrons for this month. Russell Lee Goldman, Paige Andrews, Jeff Goldman, and Ellen Pearleberg – or “Pearlberg.” It’s probably “Pearlberg.” I went a little French there.

Megan Figueroa: I love seeing names that I recognize from Twitter!

Carrie Gillon: Me too.

Megan Figueroa: Yay! Thank you so much.

Carrie Gillon: Thank you. If anyone still listening would like to support us, we have $2.00, $3.00, and $5.00 levels. The $2.00 level, you get a thank you. The $3.00 level you get a sticker. Actually, you get multiple stickers. You get a sticker every few months. $5.00 level you get the stickers and our bonus episodes.

Megan Figueroa: Yes. Our latest one is about child language, and I get real salty. So does Carrie.

Carrie Gillon: So do I but, yes, you do more so because it is your area.

Megan Figueroa: Yes.

Carrie Gillon: Thank you so much. We’ll –

Megan Figueroa: See you next time.

Carrie Gillon: See you in a couple weeks.

[Music]

Carrie Gillon: The Vocal Fries podcast is produced by me, Carrie Gillon, for Halftone Audio, theme music by Nick Granum. You can find us on Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @vocalfriespod. You can email us at vocalfriespod@gmail.com and our website is vocalfriespod.com.

[End music]

[kachinnate]

DEH on tour! 9/17/19

HI so i said i was gonna make a post describing my experience watching DEH last night so B^) if that’s a thing u sorta care abt i dropped it under the cut 

would like to start off that i had no idea that they were introducing a new touring evan and?? he’s fucking FANTASTIC ???? aH ,, but at first glance at the cast list, the only names i recognized were maggie and marrick’s.. and even then i only knew their names, i had no idea what they sounded like or even looked like tbh. if ur curious; 

evan: stephen christopher anthony jared: jared goldsmith larry: john hemphill alana: phoebe koyabe zoe: maggie mckenna cynthia: christiane noll heidi: jane pfitsch connor: marrick smith 

honestly........ i wasn’t displeased w/ a single one of these actors, holy FUCK they were so good?? i love obc w/ my entire heart, and i never thought i’d ever say this, but this cast is a CLOSE fuckin second dude. aahH. and not even because they sounded like the obc, like they all sounded completely different and brought a pretty different take to their characters and it was so..... good??? 

one specific thing that i noticed that happened in this performance compared to all the ones i’d seen before (broadway, two or three boots, two audios for arena stage) throughout was that there was a lot more.... crying? and like, just hearing that you’re probably like,, ‘oh, that’s annoying they probably made it a lot more extra :///’ but!! really i just think there was a different sort of depth that these actors took on in certain moments that made them like.... justifiable for crying when you’ve seen these scenes before and the mood was different and there weren’t tears... 

like, example: the beginning of the computer lab scene, when evan is writing his letter to himself, every evan that i’ve seen before this one read the letter out as he typed it in an almost defeated manner. like, he’s sad, obviously, how can u not be sad writing ‘maybe no one would notice if i disappeared’, but it sounds like he had long resigned to the fact that this was how things were. although it wasn’t super over the top or anything, stephen’s evan .. cried a little, like fully had some tears running down his face and was choked up as he got to the end of the letter, and i was like “!?!?!” cause it immediately gave off the sense that.. fuck, shit, evan really, really wanted his mom to be right, he genuinely had hope that today was going to be good, but.. it really wasn’t, and that kinda fuckin hurts?? like i think especially w/ us fans who know the show so well, we forget how legitimately dismal this letter is that he’s writing dsjkaefg like the murphy’s thought it was a suicide note bc it sounded like that and this might’ve been the first time i like.. didn’t question the confusion they had over it for a second, like of course you thought it was a suicide note , w/ the way evan wrote it it might as well have been 

another specifically notable moment was that alana cried throughout that scene following good for you?? like holy shit was i not prepared for that?? but she played it in a way that made so much sense, like she was so hurt that evan hadn’t cared about the project and maybe the stress of it’s weighed on her a lot because she’s just trying to do this good thing but like always everyone’s just left her to it and maybe she thought it’d be different w/ evan..... like there was a lot of pent up frustration and hurt in every word she said when i’m so used to hearing that scene delivered in a monotone, deadset, cold hurt sort of way. “i’ve moved on. obviously you don’t care.”, not “you know what?! i DON’T have time for this, I have to raise SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!” while choking up on tears like holy fuck alana did u really have to come for all of us like that 

(honestly in general phoebe played the best alana i’ve ever seen, hands down, period point blank, i fucking loved what she did w/ her character.... i’m not sure if she’s been alana for a while or if she’s new too, but oh my god????)

other notable cry things:

- connor was VERY audibly on the verge of tears on his “what are you laughing at?” line - when heidi and alana were singing at evan in good for you, jared was standing off to the side and was glaring daggers @ evan but was also.. crying a little and that fucking hurt  - ev was still croaky and teary from so big/so small into the scene before the finale, and zoe’s voice started catching a little halfway into their conversation and she had to stop a couple times to compose herself  - and then of course tears in the spots that usually have tears like words fail and so big so small and w/e but like. it hurt more i can’t describe it these actors personally Hurt My Feelings

all in all a lot more tears from both the characters and myself 

and just from all of THAT it goes without saying that there was a different, like... sort of depth that these characters brought to the table. stephen’s evan screamed desperate for a friend. i empathized with him immensely because literally every time he talked about fake!connor he sang so longingly and it was obvious that he needed needed needed this lie for himself too, like he wasn’t just telling it to the murphy’s to comfort them, he wanted so badly for this to be the truth for himself. the pull of the murphy’s caring about him and zoe was obviously there, but i truly didn’t think that was even a factor of this whole thing until into act 2. and even then... while it’s obvious that he’s in the wrong and his intentions get a bit more clouded, to me it feels like the general feel was “this has all gotten to out of hand, i can’t back out now, so i might as well just go along with all of this” instead of “oh hey this started as me trying to help the murphy’s but now my life is better? cool” 

his Evan Hansen Nervous Tick (tm) was wiping compulsively at his eyes (which, given how often they all cried is very valid but also kinda funny dsjgn) and his presence in general was very........... good. like, if you mix ben platt and taylor trensch’s energies, i think you’d get stephen’s evan’s stage presence, and really that’s the only way i can describe it djslgnsdg.. like he wasn’t Stoic and Awkward like ben was but he wasn’t as bouncy and quirky as taylor was, he was placed almost in the middle of those two and it... worked, i liked it a lot. it looked like he sort of hated being in his skin and sort of wanted to run away but he Won’t because he knows he needs to Try if he wants to be seen and that’s *chef’s kiss* a good energy that i can appreciate 

 jared goldsmith played his jared similarly to the way that will roland played his jared, but instead of being Blant about his love for evan he gave off a little bit more of a “haah yeh bro >B^)” energy... but still obviously gay because he’s jared, i don’t think u are legally allowed to play ur jared as a straight boy (source: will roland himself, and also the author of the deh book). something i REALLY loved specifically about his singing was that whenever they sing in a harmony, jared gets the top note, and ..... omg there was something about his voice that made the chord sound so fucking PRETTY like there’s no reason for me to be star eyed @ that ending note in sincerely, me, but here i am!!! also, jared was. tiny. SO small. how can so much chaos fit into such a small lad. 

 also i can’t remember when but there was a point where he said a line that was funny and he laughed at himself, and then the audience laughed, and then he continued to giggle and waited a few extra seconds to say his next line and it was the cutest thing i’ve ever seen 

extremely bitter at “look at you, helping the murphy’s”, he cried during good for you, and at the finale he is BEAMING at evan, like he is smiling SO BIG AT HIM, LIKE JARED GOLDSMITH PERSONALLY DECIDED “you know what, in my heart evan and jared did reconcile before the events of this moment and i’m going to make sure the audience knows because i’m going to look at him with an immeasurable amount of love in my eyes” and that was so fucking brave of him

maggie mckenna... maggie mckenna!! she was a wonderful zoe, i think she’s like my favorite zoe high key because oh my GOD? requiem fucking destroyed me... and like, i’m the odd one out because although that song is gorgeous, minus the first time i ever listened to it i never really was deeply deeply moved by it, like i understand the meaning of it and i know why it’s an extremely important song and i appreciate the amount of emotion that is portrayed within it, but to me it’s not really the Highlight of the show....... maggie’s voice was so beautiful, like soft and pretty during the beginning and powerful as FUCK on the bridge and!!!!! i wept for the first time during that song ever and i’m still shook abt it 

in general, maggie’s zoe was really balanced and well played and, like... real?? like, she was adorably hanging onto every word evan said as he stammered through their first interaction, albeit a little confused, when he’s over for dinner to talk about connor she’s indifferent and sort of aloof but it’s obvious that it’s from a place of like.. misplaced Hurt, even without knowing the plot already like it’s sort of obvious.... like maggie made it clear to the audience that zoe wasn’t supposed to be coldhearted or bitchy, she was a kid who’s been hurt by her brother and has every reason to not forgive him for it just because he’s gone and is now rightfully confused because now she has to try and cope with the fact that he might’ve been a good person even though every thing he’s ever done prior went against it, and.... ughsGDJ she was just!!! so good!!!!!! also, her chemistry that she had with evan was really real too and like.. i could believe that she actually fell for him, i could believe that she genuinely did like him for more reasons than a plot device, which is really refreshing bc i can’t rlly say that i saw that same level of like.. genuine chemistry between the evan and zoe i saw when we saw deh on broadway (it was still good, don’t get me wrong, but there was just something missing that i really only noticed by watching this performance). she’s kind of quirky and weird at some points too, which again is another thing that made her feel more real to me??? when evan was like “thank you” and touched her arms after she told him that she wasn’t breaking up with him, she fully reached out to touch his arms and fully bent her entire body in half, like her face was facing the ground and i audibly choked,, also she super gently like smacked his face at one point during only us and i heard it in his mic and he inhaled a lil sharply bc he was trying not to giggle and i. cri 

ngl, i’ve really only seen alana being played in one way up until now.... like, obviously every actor is going to play their character differently, and even from performance to performance there might be some change, but at least for the MOST part every alana i’ve seen has been straightforward: i’m chatty, i’m bright, i’m kind of lonely but i mean well and i REALLY care about this thing that we’re doing. there isn’t a lot of room for her to emote until, like... the whole good for you fiasco happens, the scene before it and after it, when she’s upset with evan for not helping, but even then there’s usually a trend with how she’s played. phoebe played her with SO much emotion and made her SO much more than what i expected to see??? like she cared... so much, but it was obvious that she was maybe not going about it in the right way. she seemed more like an awkward kid just like the rest of them, it was a bit more obvious that she didn’t think of herself as perfect, and it seemed a lot more clear that her intentions for helping out with the connor project were never about herself or making herself look good - it was because it genuinely meant something to her. yes, she was still a lot at times, but when evan accuses her of only being in it to help herself, it’s so like... evidently not true. like u don’t even have to see alana’s expression at all or hear how she responds, ur just immediately like “oh, so evan’s gonna be a dick now” because it’s just so obvious that it’s not like that at all, y’know?? alana had... big feelings, and she was more than the smart girl that drove the plot forward at points and gets screwed over by evan. also, her voice was extremely pretty as well *heart eyes emoji* 

both of the moms brought something similar to this show: it was obvious that while they started their characterization with what obc brought, they made it their own. they brought new mannerisms and choices up and they were both so??? fucking cute????? like they had extreme mom energy, at points it felt so real, like something about the whole scene with them talking together in the murphy house b4 good for you felt..... so so so real and it was disorienting. they both made me cry so like they definitely did their job 

ALSO the fucking way that heidi was looking at evan in the finale like. was one of the things that made me weep the hardest, like holy shit. she loves her son so much!!!!!! and i am CRYING !!!!!!!!! but anyway

*CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI* LARRY. FUCKING. MURPHY. oh my GOD he was an amazing larry !!!!!! like i know the fandom likes to demonize larry murphy but watching this man, i couldn’t think for a single second that this man was a bad father. he was trying so hard and just went about it in the wrong ways, and ... ghh... to break in a glove isn’t supposed to make you tear up but guess what (also this might be a personal problem but seeing him interact w/ evan gave me surges of feelings that reminded me that i have daddy issues ajdnGS like he was so. sweet. all the time, i want to throw a baseball around with this man and have him explain football to me even though i know i won’t understand it). his singing was rlly good too... like hearing it, i was like “ah. i can hear it in ur voice that when u were younger u were a bright tenor lad, but a bright tenor lad in the way that was good and not terribly nasally”  

marrick was really good, but i’m like 85% sure that he was sick :’( his voice caught and he had to clear his throat a few times during sincerely, me, and he had a break on a certain note and couldn’t go higher than that, which.... is rough because although connor isn’t super tenor-y all the time he definitely ... doesn’t sing just low (but when he did sing low? *chefs kiss*) but other than that? v good acting, like evan this connor just... rlly wanted a friend. he almost cried when evan started laughing at him, and he sounded extremely devastated when he read the note... as evan’s OC, he played it very Defeated(tm) instead of confrontational, which obvs Hurt bc evan was fully like “no!!!! i fell!!” while connor was just “ did u. or did u let go.” u don’t gotta be confrontational when u are the inner demons of a boy and aren’t actually a person yaknow >B’’’’^) nevertheless i am crying xoxo!!!!!!!

all in all?? fucking incredible, i can’t believe i had the opportunity to see this cast and i’m going to hold them in a v special place in my heart :’) 

[taronfanfic]

Fast Forward

Chapter 4

Your days seemed to run on automatic pilot as a hazy numbness occupied your mind. You kept telling yourself that the wait was the worst bit, but every time you did you remembered the crushing pain that hit your chest when you were first told it was a tumour. Wednesday was results day. The news could come through from your Mum at any minute and it left you checking your phone religiously. Your boss wasn’t too happy with the amount of work you’d produced, but considering the circumstances she wasn’t about to pull you up on it either. Instead she sent you home early.

Music could be heard blasting out from your flat as you walked up to the door and placed your key in the lock. Taron was singing along, completely oblivious to your presence as he spread out a range of ingredients and then pulled a chopping board from one of the cupboards.

“What are you doing back so early?” You questioned him as you turned the volume on the radio down sharply.

“Shit! When did you get here?” He jumped and spun around, wielding a sharp knife in your direction. “Sorry, let me put this down before I kiss you.”

“You’ve not answered my question.” His kiss was loving and warm, an obvious attempt to distract you from the conversation but it didn’t work.

“I erm, worked through my lunch hour so I could leave early today and surprise you by cooking tonight. Gonna make us a curry.”

“Urgh, perfect boyfriend strikes again. You’ll have to stop this one day, else I’ll be expecting too much from you forever!” You teased him as you poked him gently in the ribs.

“I’m just trying to make things as good as they can be for you at the moment… I take it it’s good news as you’re back early and don’t seem too upset?”

“No news actually. I got told to leave early because I was doing fuck all other than staring at my phone and waiting for it to ring.” Taron laughed at that one and then turned back to carry on prepping the food.

“So, we’re going with no news is good news for now then?”

“Well… not bad news, yet.”

“If it was bad news, surely they’d have got on with things and told him already? Acted more urgently and taken him in to operate or something.”

“Maybe. I don’t know how these things work. Mum said she’d call as soon as they hear anything, so the wait continues.” You left the conversation there as you plugged your phone in to charge and crashed out on the sofa. The sound of Taron singing along to the radio continued and the smell from the curry he was making started to fill the flat as you did your best to relax and think about anything else but your parents.

Before long Taron had joined you on the sofa, sliding in beneath your legs and then lifting them back over his lap whilst he waited for everything to cook. You could feel his eyes on you but you didn’t want to meet his gaze. He’d only start up again with his positive attitude, telling you it would all be fine and to stop worrying. It was easy to say from his position. Your Mum was right, they weren’t his parents and this wasn’t his problem.

“Are you seeing the boys tonight?”

“Nah, I was gonna swerve this week and stay in with you. We can watch a film or something.”

“You should go.” You pulled your legs out from his lap and drew them in against your chest as you sat up.

“No, it’s alright. I wanna be with you.”

“T, have a night off. Please? I’ll be fine and you’ve done more than enough already.”

“You sure? I don’t want to leave you on your own if you’re not feeling good.” He reached his hand out and placed it on top of your knee.

“I’m alright, honestly. I’d rather things carried on as normal and you shouldn’t have to miss out on going to the pub because of me.” You sighed as you started to get annoyed that he wasn’t taking you up on it.

“I don’t mind.”

“I know, but I do. So please go and enjoy yourself tonight.”

“Only if you’re sure?”

“I’m sure!” You snapped slightly.

“Alright, alright, I’ll go to the pub… You’re sweet.” He left a quick kiss to your forehead as he got up and returned to the kitchen to plate up the food.

***

An evening to yourself was exactly what you needed. The peace and quiet gave you time to think properly without having to worry about zoning out on someone else’s conversation, or have Taron thinking you were upset and keeping it to yourself. Which in all honesty was exactly what you were doing. Sometimes you don’t want to talk about it though, you just need to think. It was all very nostalgic, looking back on your childhood and the time you’d spent with your Dad in the garden, or singing along to the radio in the car as he drove you to school. Life was so simple back then. Everyone seemed happy. All of this happening had shone a light on how little time you’d spent with your family in the last 5 years and you suddenly felt so guilty. If it came to the worst and your Dad didn’t have long left, you’d regret not spending more time with him. You’d regret wasting it getting drunk in clubs and spending your weekends trying to get home from the next random guy’s bedroom. Even some of the weekends spent with Taron in the past 11 months seemed unnecessarily selfish.

Your moment of reflection was broken by the sound of your phone ringing. You jumped up off the sofa to answer the call from your Mum and hear the news you’d been waiting for all day.

“Oh thank god.” You sighed heavily as your legs gave way and left you sitting on the floor at the end of the sofa. It was good news. It took a moment to sink in and you’d zoned out on what your Mum was saying, but knowing the tumour wasn’t cancerous was all that mattered. “I’m going to come and see you again this weekend, we need to celebrate even if it’s just us two sharing a bottle of wine.”

“I’d like that.” Your Mum replied and you could hear her smiling for what was probably the first time in a while. “We don’t see enough of you these days.”

“I know… I can change that though, I want to.”

“I’ll leave it up to you, but you know where we are, and you know we always love to see you and we miss you.”

“I’ll be up on Saturday. Give my love to Dad.”

“I will do, see you at the weekend, love.”

You found yourself bursting into tears as you ended the call. It was mostly relief, but you knew there was some sadness and guilt still swirling in the mix. It felt good to cry though. You needed it.

“Y/N, Y/N, where are you?” Taron called out before you’d even heard the door close behind him. He rushed through to find you on the floor at the end of the sofa with tears still streaming down your face. “Oh love, I could hear you crying from outside. It’s alright, I’m here.”

“I’m okay.” You managed to smile at him through your tears before he placed his hands to your cheeks and wiped the dampness away with his thumbs.

“You don’t have to be, not for me.” He replied sympathetically as you reached up to his wrists and pulled his hands away. “You should have called me, or text, and I’d have come back sooner.”

“Taron, it’s fine. It’s good news!” You laughed slightly knowing it must have looked like the complete opposite to him. “It’s not cancer.”

“Oh my days, that’s brilliant,” He sighed in relief as he moved from crouching opposite you to sitting with his legs crossed beneath him. “So these are happy tears?”

“Mostly.”

“Talk to me.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just relief mainly.” You thought you’d managed to sound convincing in your reply but as Taron sat in silence, holding your hand and waiting for you to continue, you knew he wasn’t going to let it drop. “I was just thinking… before my Mum phoned, like… if it wasn’t good news then I’d regret not spending more time with my Dad. You only get one set of parents, y’know?”

“Mmmhm, and when they’re gone, they’re gone.”

“Exactly. So, maybe I shouldn’t have spent quite so many weekends getting drunk and should have gone home more often.”

“Yeah, but do you not think they’d feel guilty if they knew you weren’t living your own life? You’re allowed to do your own thing and you needed that time to find your feet as an adult… and find me!” Taron lifted the back of your hand to his lips.  

“True.”  

“Life’s a balance, you’ve just realised you’d had it tilted too far one way and now’s your chance to tilt it back to the middle again.”

“I’ve said I’ll go up again this weekend. They’re letting Dad out of hospital for a week before his operation.”

“That’s good… I know why you said no last time, but seeing as things are a bit different now… how about I come with you?”

“Taron.” You sighed and looked away from him.

“What? What’s so bad about me meeting your parents?”

“It’s just. It’s not a good idea.”

“But why?”

All his questions were driving you mad when you didn’t know how to phrase your answers. You stood up from the floor and went to get a glass of water to buy yourself some extra time.

“Because… it just is! You trust me, don’t you?”

“With my life!” He replied forcefully as he followed you into the kitchen.

“So trust me when I say it’s not a good idea.”

“But I don’t understand, Y/N. We’ve been together, what… nearly a year now, officially, longer than that if you count the rocky start.”

“What’s that got to do with it?”

“It’s like you’re not taking our relationship seriously.” He replied quickly.

“Wow! You really think that?!” You looked back at him, wide-eyed, and shook your head in disbelief.

“Oh, come on. You know I didn’t mean it to that extreme so stop exaggerating things.”

“Me? Exaggerating? Why would I need to do that if I wasn’t taking our relationship seriously?”

“Y/N...” His eye roll was the last straw for you. After the day you’d had the last thing you wanted to deal with was accusations and attitude from the person who’s meant to always have your back.

“No, no Taron. I’ve had enough. I’m going to bed.” You stepped around him and didn’t look back as you made your way through to the bedroom.

“Y/N, don’t.” He called after you, but it didn’t change your mind.

Taglist: @egerton-sweetie  @amanda-tallmadge @lizziespidiepridie @leanimal90 @anantheminmyheart22 @aynsleywalker​ @bohemianrhapsody86​ @butterfliesslugswormsandothershi @manners-maketh-taron @livingincompletesilence@marvelmakeuplover @ohsosmutty@misspygmypie  @manners-maketh-a-kingsman@courtmr @baileythepenguin@thomaslefteyebrow @witchymarvelspacecase @samanthasmileys@nellietara @i-cant-remember-my-old-login @wheresmylightinthedark@kurtis-conner@hoe4dior @toky-9101 @mayaslifeinabox@fluentlyspeakingtreason @yallyallblanchett @whiskeylipsx@emmaelizabeth2014​ @primaba11erina @fightuntilyoucan @carlita2025

[thedistantstorm]

Dawning Delights 10: Dawning Surprise Pt. 1

Summary: Hawthorne invites her newfound family in the Tower to experience a City-Style Dawning with the family that took her in years ago. The holiday is not without it’s charm, or aggravation, and certainly has plenty of surprises in store. A season-inspired, trope-tastic story about a family forged by something greater than blood, finding reasons to enjoy the season - and cherish each other. Main Post

Pairings: Hawthorne/Zavala, Sloane/Amanda, Devrim/Marc

Zavala rolls over as the sun’s light begins to brighten the horizon, bright eyes opening without the pressing of his Ghost for once. And, as if sensing his gaze upon her, Suraya shifts down into the blankets he’s displaced in the movement. No conscious thought dictates how his Light responds to her, but it does: a warm, comfortable tangle that’s not quite Arc, Solar, or Void in particular. She presses herself into his embrace without so much as opening an eye or twitching in an attempt to wake.

Today is the day.

He smiles into her short hair, sliding his hand down her arm to loosely take her hand in his. A sluggish swipe of her fingers, aiming to soothe, convinces him to close his eyes once more. He has time, for once, to enjoy this quiet, peaceful moment. So he does.

Until the even, deep breaths of his partner lull him back to sleep.

-/

More than anything, Amanda wants to be excited for this.

And she is excited for this. For a lot of reasons.

It’s like a family gathering, but a fusion of her strange version of normal and the kind of normal she's dreamed about. She gets to spend the night at Marc’s place tonight, to celebrate the end of one year and the beginning of the other with her found family. It's a balm against the yucky feelings that come, the thoughts of people she's lost, the family that has passed on without her.

But, this time of year is just hard. She misses her parents and Cayde, and in a different way she misses Sloane. Sloane knows she struggles. And it's for that reason, as Amanda sits in the Hangar, arms crossed, waiting for this delivery Ikora insisted could not wait, that Sloane is messaging her back with nearly no delay.

Bitterly, Amanda bites back the thought of asking her why she can't just be there, if she's going to be free for most of the day. She knows Sloane takes her duty seriously, Amanda admires that about the Titans in her life.

It just sucks, sometimes.

She scoffs loudly into the empty Hangar. Everyone in Tower Control is squirreled up in one of the offices, and of course, Amanda is the only one on the ground in the Hangar so there's not even anyone to shoot the shit with and distract her.

Just Sloane telling her that whatever Ikora needs her to receive certainly must be important.

She types back a snarky, "She's lucky I'm not drunk off my ass on your Dawning Present, making me come down here at first light."

Sloane's reply is a steady, insistent, "It's nine in the morning. That's a late start."

"I know," She keys back, grousing, "But I either sleep til noon or I wake up at 04:00. You know me."

The next time her tablet beeps she can hear the warm sound of the Deputy Commander's voice in her mind, a simple response. "I know."

Amanda tries to wrap that comforting tone around herself like a blanket, to let it ease her grumpy irritability. It works, for a bit. But the cold is bothering her leg, and without the traffic (thrusters sending jets of warm air through the half-open space) it will never warm up, and she'd really like this to be over sooner rather than later.

Luckily enough, a cargo ship docks and unloads rather quickly, its crew staying with the city swapping out with a new team headed out despite the holiday. At least she wasn't one of them, she thought, watching a broad-shouldered woman with a dark tinted visor head toward the Tower proper. One of the techs unloaded a crate - not too large, still manageable - onto her workbench.

"That the package for Ikora?" She drawls to the tech.

"Yes ma'am."

She gives him a mock salute, never quite getting with the military's formalities, even when she served. "Thank ya kindly. Now get on outta here, I'm sure y'got better places to be."

The tech nods. "Happy Dawning."

Amanda's already hefting the crate into her arms, intent on getting out of this Tower before noon. Ikora is the hurry up and wait type - Warlocks - and Amanda has places to be. "Happy Dawnin'," She calls over her shoulder, and despite the fact that she's rethinking how manageable this crate is (she's sure it's full of books now and she's not particularly thrilled about it), the sentiment is heartfelt. Genuine.

Across the Tower, however, Ikora is livid. She understands that people want to go home to their families, she's… looking forward (and she can all but feel the enthusiastic encouragement radiating from Ophiuchus at such a thought) to her plans, too.

But!

The delivery was supposed to happen at approximately noon. They knew better, everything was on a strict timeline. Zavala and Suraya weren't due at the Kay household until around noon, and she had to keep Amanda occupied until at least one. To give everything a chance to happen naturally. To do it right, no interruptions.

And, Zavala insisted, to give Suraya a moment to process, good or bad - Ikora scoffs at that, she doesn't understand why he has it in his head that she'd even consider refusing him - all the emotions that will certainly overwhelm her.

So when Amanda drops the crate, unimpressed, at her feet at a quarter past ten in the morning, Ikora blinks in surprise before channeling her fury into sedate composure. It’s not Amanda’s fault.

"It's early."

"Yeah," Amanda barks "It's a good thing yer not busy, then," She continues, annoyed, gesturing to the Bazaar. It's empty. Even the Ramen Shop is closed. “I’m gonna go. I was originally supposed to meet Zavala and Hawthorne earlier so it works out.” She waves, not bothering to wait for a response. “See ya tonight,” She calls, turning away.

“Wait!”

-/

Most lazy mornings, for them, are defined by the time of day alone. Suraya would take an extra hour to lay in bed - even against his advice that she should rise and get ready for the day - when he came home at dawn, or he’d force himself awake early when she came back from a civic emergency, as cool and radiant as the streaks of light that would soon become the dawn.

This is far slower than usual. Where normally he’d have her bare and panting beneath him from teasing touches, he hasn’t stopped touching her face. Fingers trail across her jaw, and while it’s not terribly erotic, the effect it has on her is beginning to bleed into exactly that.

First, however, she pulls back - it’s more like pushing her head further into the pillows - to look up at him, her own fingers finding his jaw, meeting his gaze. It’s heavy. Serious but not sad, almost dazed. “Are you okay?” She asks, her features flickering with concern.

Blinking in surprise, he nods. His fingers trail down her neck, across her sternum, the backs of his knuckles pressing ever so slightly into the warm skin above the neckline of her shirt. Over her heart.

“I love you,” She whispers, cutting through whatever thoughts are running through his head. “I’m excited to share this with you.”

His lips quirk up, showing her the slightest hint of his teeth. For a man who smiles mostly with his eyes, she cherishes these moments in which she can see his unveiled expressions in their entirety. But then, his eyes slide shut, and instead of seeing his emotions, she can very nearly feel them. The Light is funny like that, like an extension of self, molding to his will. She gasps against it, the way his hands seem to pulse - electric, expressive - and lend to his feelings. This is not the playful Arc energy he pulls out to reduce her to a sobbing mess when she’s wound up and bratty. This is pure emotion. Deep-seated, unadulterated feelings channeled into a current that translates into the hair on the back of her neck standing on end when he hauls her against him as though she is weightless, thanks to the pads of his fingers sliding down the skin beside her spine.

She pushes up against the hand that’s covering her heart, away from the one he’s wrapped around her back and she’s kissing him back. It’s not the same as two Guardians sharing their Light in some kind of intimate feedback loop, but she hears the broken gasp, the half-buried sound in the back of his throat and it reaffirms what she knows. This is no battle for superiority. Their differences are what balance them, what brings them to even ground. He is attracted to her as she is, for her simple humanity, and the complex feelings she can inspire without showering him in the Traveler's gifts.

They take their time. After all, they have plenty of it, with only abstract plans during their well-deserved reprieve. Suraya misses the pale white blink of a notification on her tablet nearly an hour later when Zavala rises, a question in his gaze as he tilts it towards the shower. She's too busy, abandoning the sheets to follow with a grin.

The message goes unanswered.

-/

In their younger years, or at least his, Devrim thinks, stretching his back, Marc never used to get up before ten in the morning. Even when they were having a dinner party. He'd stay up until dawn preparing the night before if he had to, though he'd eventually got it down to a science (having a child does wonders for developing time management skills).

Now, Devrim reaches for the other side of the bed - such a far cry from a patched up cot in a secluded nook - to find it cool and can't help but smile to himself. The clock reads half eight. It's late for him but still early.

The hardwood floors betray the weight of his husband's footsteps. "Planning to sleep the day away, darling?" Marc asks, arms crossed as he leans in the doorway.

"You'd come wake me eventually, I'm sure," He lilts back.

Marc nods, words clearly failing him. It spurs Devrim into action, pulling back the blankets and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He doesn't bother to slide his feet into the slippers waiting for him, instead opening his arms to pull his husband in. Letting Marc rest his head on his shoulder, breathe deep to smell sleep and yesterday's cologne on the skin of his neck, Devrim exhales contentedly.

"I've missed this, Marc," He says, and it's meant to sound adoring and sweet, not emotionally compromising as if he's at the end of his rope.

But, to his credit, his husband laughs, and the rumble of his chest against Devrim's soothes him. "I know," Marc agrees. "We're going to do this more often from now on."

"Abusing your new powers already?"

"Please, I've always had some pull," He leans back, fingers cradling the scruff on Devrim's jaw. "Now," He presses a kiss to his lover's nose (as there are rules about kisses before brushing teeth), "Wash up. I'll make breakfast and put the kettle on."

-/

The word leaves Ikora's lips like a whip-crack, harsh and serious. It strikes the shipwright like lightning. She recoils, visibly, as though she’s going to be struck.

"What's wrong?"

"I-" Ophiuchus appears beside her, shell orbiting his small body in momentary concern, "I think I should bring them something, and I'm not sure what."

Amanda's eyes narrow in suspicion. "Ikora, you have a bottle of that fancy dessert wine behind you."

"It's for someone else."

"It's not. That's Marc's favorite."

Ophiuchus rolls his optic obnoxiously and Ikora gives him a scathing glare for it, as if encouraging him to do better than that.

"She's nervous about later?" Ophiuchus tries. He can feel Ikora's wrath, but the Warlock doesn't contradict him. It's not like she had any quick lies available that didn't nearly lead into the truth.

"Uh… huh," The younger woman's arms cross. She doesn't buy it, that's obvious. "What the heck is goin' on?"

"Nothing," Ikora lies, too fast and very obviously. "It's just-"

"Just?" Amanda holds out her hands as if expecting an answer to drop from the sky and into them. When it doesn't, she produces her tablet from a pocket near her bionic knee and sends out a message.

"What are you doing?" Ikora asks.

"Askin' Hawthorne what the heck is goin' on around here. Why can't-"

Ikora sends a panicked glance to Ophiuchus who dips in a nod and disappears without a sound.

"You know I can just call her-"

"No!"

Amanda shakes her head. "What's the big deal? You're acting really weird and honestly, it's kinda freakin' me out. I planned everything with them. Marc won't mind if I come by early, I'll-"

"Amanda." Saladin's deep voice is soft but commands attention. "Stop pushing her. I'll take you for brunch, we can go over together, afterward."

Amanda looks between the two of them, Warlock, Titan, then back again. "You're kidding me."

Saladin, unlike Ikora, does not betray a single emotion on his face, his eyes hard - always eased a bit when it comes to her, but she's always been treated like the Tower's collective kid. Amanda knows he isn't kidding.

But she's also not the fourteen year old girl she was when he'd distract her with ice cream or an errant wolf cub smuggled inside the walls to keep her out of trouble. Smiling far too wide, Amanda nods. Ikora catches on just as the Shipwright opens her mouth, and if Amanda were looking at her, she'd see the comical widening of her golden brown eyes.

"Okay. We can go to breakfast," She gives Ikora a challenging look before turning her beach-glass gaze upon the last Iron Lord. "But only if we invite Shaxx, too."

Ikora closes her eyes and counts to ten in three dead languages before she opens them again. Saladin is still staring Amanda down, and to her credit, Holliday hasn't budged.

"Alright," Saladin acquiesces. "We'll invite him."

She staggers backwards, in surprise. "Really?"

"Yes," He confirms gruffly. Though subdued, his aggravation is palpable. "Now go get him before I change my mind."

Scampering off, Amanda leaves the two of them to go get the Crucible Handler for what will likely be the most uncomfortable meal in history.

Saladin is eyeing her with an unreadable expression and Ikora sighs. "My attendance is mandatory, isn't it?"

"You're a sharp ally," Saladin answers.

"It's a yes, then," Ikora retorts.

After a few silent moments, Ophiuchus appears beside her, drifting in a relieved sway. "All taken care of. She was already filtering both their messages, no harm done."

"Good. We're about to go to brunch with Amanda and Saladin-"

"Oh, I cannot wait to find out what little secrets we've been keeping!" Shaxx bellows from the courtyard, disrupting some innocent pigeons roosting on the railings.

"And Shaxx?" Ophiuchus betrays both shock and concern.

His Guardian doesn't blame him. They don't have to look at Saladin to feel him scowling.

-/

Suraya lets herself in, Zavala hot on her heels. He pulls the door shut behind them while she removes her boots and jacket, hanging the latter on a hook. It's warm, the sound of the fireplace in the next room over is quaint and comfortable, and the house is wreathed in warm lights and tasteful Dawning decor.

"Dad," She calls, loud, when Marc doesn't come to the door like she expects, "We're here!"

Turning to Zavala, who doesn't appear flummoxed, she comments at a lower volume, "That's funny, he must be in the kitchen or something."

Zavala hums, non-committal, and Suraya wanders down the hall that runs parallel to the kitchen and into the heart of her family's home.

"Dad? This isn't funny," She says, pausing a beat. Still no answer. "Dad!"

The sound of footsteps at the end of the short hall stops her in her tracks.

"Do calm down, Suraya, I'm right-"

Though she has her back to him, Zavala knows the expression she's making; Can see how her shoulders rise in surprise, elbows angled out. Knows that she's clasped her hands over her chest in surprise at the sound of his voice.

Zavala knows how much she wanted this. She could blame it on the City or on him, for reawakening long-abandoned wants and needs, but he wants her to have this. She deserves to have everything.

Her lips move, words failing her for only a second, and then, far differently from before, hinging on a sob, she cries, "Dad?"

For being a self proclaimed old man, Devrim doesn't falter when she launches herself at him, grunting only at the impact of his fully-grown child tackling him in a hug that sways at the start like a dance.

It evolves into a tighter, closer embrace, and the scant sounds of sobbing.

"Oh, don't cry, darling," Devrim tuts, rearing back to brush away her tears. It does nothing for his own state, to see her so unguarded, in a way she hasn't been with him in years. He clears his throat when he feels it constrict. "You're liable to make an old man join you."

Between shaky breaths she ducks her head, admitting, "I've just wanted this for so long," To the collar of his shirt.

Marc peeks from the kitchen, swiping a hand across his cheek to erase a tear from sight before nodding to their other guest. He slips from sight.

"Alright you two," Marc chirps, sunny and bright, the only man Devrim has ever encountered who can laugh and cry all while speaking in complete sentences. "I'm feeling left out."

Three steps is all it takes for their unit to be completed and whole for the first time in nearly two decades. It sets Suraya off anew to have both her parents embracing her without having to court fear that came with sneaking into a City that cast her out, or the anxiety that always bubbled up because she was selfishly endangering her family.

They stay that way, until a timer beeps in the kitchen and Marc scuttles off after whatever he’s preparing for the evening's events. This time tomorrow, he’ll have the kitchen on lockdown, preparing a huge feast, but tonight is a far more casual affair.

Devrim pulls back from her finally, looking at her expectantly. “How?” She asks, the initial shock finally starting to wear off.

“You know how,” Devrim answers, voice dipping lower, eyes flicking to the doorway down the hall, closer to the door that leads to a spacious living room. “I believe he meant to give us privacy.”

“He’s a good man,” Suraya whispers.

“He is.” He pats her cheek once and nods towards the way she’d came. “Perhaps you should see if he’d like a drink?” Her lips part into a smile, and he chuckles, unable to help it. “Off you go,” He says, nudging her on.

Marc creeps quietly from the kitchen. He’s waving his hands in a frantic combination of nerves and excitement, and Devrim gives him an expectant nod. A quiet shimmer happens above their heads. “The other door is cracked,” Zavala’s Ghost says, regal and elegant in her delivery, but also jittery and hyper, like a hummingbird. “Shall we?”

[imadeletingmysocials]

My scores for E3, because apparently now i’m a dumb 4channer who thinks this /v/ meme shit matters, like it’s not gonna affect sales or anything it’s pointless as all hell [this is lenghy, but hear me out ok]

EA: 

4/10 - people will probably play the games regardless of how shitty this presentation was but... It felt pretty insulting. 

Battlefield V is probably gonna make a lot of money regardless cuz people like war games and it seems pretty well done, the more footage they have shown seemed better than their weird advertizement that made world war 2 seem very wacky, which honestly regardless if you’re a sexist neckbeard or not, seemed like a poor advertizement move. 

TinyBuild:

No one watched this lol and it was just 1 GAME and a fun cute musical that made people who aren’t strong enough to musicals die, 6/10 because it made nerds die and their song is catchy, i dont really care about their 1 game.

Microsoft:

 9/10 - I'm giving this much of a high score because I would play practically almost all of these games showcased (they’ll probably be available on PC which I’m biased for cuz I have a gaming PC), no kidding, I pretty much liked everything I saw and it was fairly straight to the point. Many gamers don’t appreciate the finer details of each game and think they’re generic but that’s just fanboys who haven’t played a single game outside of their favorites. 

Also my cousin uses those Xbox One netflix rip offs that gives you games so i’m happy for him. The presentation had a lot of diamonds in the rough games that will I will probably appreciate more over time (they might even become cult classics like Metro or Dying Light) than any of other games at other e3s. As for the stuff I won’t be playing: It’s mostly harmless so eh.

There was an abundance of trailers! It was like one after the other, pure goodness, it seems as if they left out all of the Sports games to EA to present and the only thing they showed that might not be anyone’s cup of tea was “Forza”, but honestly? I appreciate it, it seems like a good racing game even if I’m not one to buy racing games.... But the more you think about the number of good games presented, the less you’ll think about that, I mean they showed DEVIL MAY CRY 5!!! 

...The Funko Pop game made me scream though.

Bethesda: 

8.5/10  I cannot deny that these are games I will want to play regardless if they’re good or not. Sad to see nerds not enjoy the opportunity to meet ANDREW W.K. but I’m glad all of the divisions they own are making sequels to stuff I already like, so pretty much Bethesda played it safe.

Devolver Digital:

 8/10 It’s like that one b-movie film your college students made and you had a laugh with creating.

Square Enix: 

5/10 seriously, 30 minues of just trailers? Most of which we saw?? I guess it could be worse but who uses E3 screentime for mostly MMORPG deals! The new stuff was too vague to be excited about too.

Ubisoft: 

7/10 - I liked it when they made funny quirky things and their games are probably gonna be okay like usual, Ubisoft has dedicated fans that like their collectathon games they release every year, and it’s usually that one game you play when you’re bored and got nothing else, it’s okay. 

Gamers hate fun and dancing and all that stuff but I kind of find stuff like that exciting, while nerds who never went outside and who are sensitive as all hell to any representation of fun find it “cringey”. A panda dabbed, and that settles it, Ubisoft was the only E3 Brave enough to dab this year. 

PC Game Conference (it was fairly long):

I know none of you watch this one cuz y’all fake as hell but listen... Fuck you LOL, these are the type of games people actually play over 400 hours and really get people’s money. Like these are games built to last that might be on the best-selling Steam front page for MONTHS, like how Frostpunk was comfirmed last year during this conference, PC Gaming has been known for sleeper hits that nobody knows about (because the attention goes to cinematic experiences on consoles most of the time) but suddently everyone’s playing it. 

PC gaming has always been an alternative lifestyle and seeing as many people didn’t watch this one, that just proves the point that it still relatively alternative. Maybe it’s because everyone sounds dumb as fuck when saying “PC GAMER MASTER RACE” and acting like an elitist. 

The PC Gaming conference is always more of a talk show than a regular E3 which is why I respect it every year, fuck the hyperactive gamers that just wanna see flashy trailers, this one’s more SOPHISTICATED!! It feels a lot more human and less artificial. Either way, lot’s of what you might’ve expected: Simulators and Survival games you’ll probably spend 3 years playing until they make a better minecraft clone. 

Gamers like to act as if they’re tired of Battle Royale (already? It’s a new fad it still is here to stay for a little more) but the numbers and success of it doesn’t lie that it isn’t a fad that proves itself to be highly tempting to try out for developers. Go cry to valve that they didn’t release Half-Life 3 cuz you haven’t played any other FPS game without even researching that Valve pretty much fired all of it’s developers and you’re just being annoying.

I feel as if I need to comment what I saw at this e3 cuz nobody watched, they made a mod I liked from skyrim into a fully-ass game, they’re rebooting Star Control which not a single gamer today knows of, the HP Lovecraft open world detective game also seems very good. YAKUZA IS COMING TO PC!!!!!!!!! Killing Floor 2 stuff, Road Redemption stuff, SHARK RPG, cute indie games, Jeff Goldblum was there, Wall-E with a gun in VR which seems to have promissing good vr design by Insomiac games (yes the spyro people), 2 games about Taxi driving... Like sure I think it’s a good format for story telling but.

A cell-shaded art game, star citizen is still being made, and it’s gone to the point nobody really wants it anymore even if it’s... Still being made you know? So most guys are wrong that it was gonna be canceled. After that was the technical graphic card stuff which gamers don’t have enough capability to understand, stuff like 9k laptops that SELL a lot mind you. Rich people love that technical stuff. 

A space defense sim game, Don’t Starve Sequel, Just Cause 4 detailed explanation of the engine, Overkill’s The Walking Dead gameplay which has been in development hell for years now now has a release date, I discovered Clementine’s voice actor is white... Go figure, a literal pixelated roguelike (not what you think it is, it’s Noita), 

Theme Hospital REBOOT!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! And the doctors were cute. Probably one of the funniest games presented... Followed by REALM ROYALE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That harvest moon clone with a cute art style is still being made: Ooblets, no release date sadly. Anno is still going, cyanide and happiness still exists? and they’re making a battle royale? lol okay. How was Hitman 2 not announced during Square Enix?? Anyways it’s here at the end, the trailer was amazing and it’s coming out this year. 

I don’t have that much strong feelings because it’s just a normal conference and not a special one you know? But I’ll give it a 8/10 or 7/10 im not sure cuz I seem to like most games and I found Frankie cute.

Sony: 

Yo usually Sony makes like a huuuuuuuge thing about their conferences (like this year they didn’t even showcase indie games) but this year they started from a church for the sake of immersion?? It reminded me a little of their first E3s during the 90s, and it almost felt like a indie gathering for musicians, I swear to god, Sony is borderline experimental trying to balance out their E3 across stages. Jeb played the banjo and people just ACCEPTED it... AND THEN someone played some JAPANESE FLUTE? aRT. It might come off as a bit arrogant for some tho.

Nerds hated it and thought it was bizzare, which is why it means it’s good. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH BITCHES. Anyways could have been a little more fast-paced... But then again when it was fast-paced it was just like: Huh? What was that? I’m a big Resident Evil Fangirl, RE2 was my childhood but ignoring that for a sec: finally, Death Stranding gameplay, remins me of shadow of the colossus but post-apocalpytic, survival horrorish and abstract sci-fi.

 Kind of feels more Metal Gear than MGSV did already Cuz Norman Reedus sounds like snake a lot more than the 24 hours guy, and because from what I’ve seen in the footage, someone acts like Otacon to “Sam”. I think most now can figure out the plotpoints of this game with what has been established. I might be a bit sad at the fact that this will be a PS4 exclusive just like Metal Gear Solid 4, which I still haven’t played fully because it’s PS3 exclusive and I only have a gaming PC. 

Also this E3 was surprisingly entirely SINGLE PLAYER, I sorta don’t believe in the “single player doesn’t exist” myth honestly, especially now. I’m not sure if that makes Sony’s E3 better or worse, maybe it needed more variation, like I’ve commented, usually they have an indie showcase which this year did not. There were few games shown but for what it was worth, it’s still interesting... But yeah just 5 games? No Spyro? (easy picking), nothing extra? I can understand why many people felt this E3 was upsetting.

8/10.

Nintendo

Here it is, the most overhyped developer of all of E3, the source of “Nintendo wins E3 by doing nothing” memes because Nintendo fans really don’t care about anything except Nintendo and then act surprised when they only care about Nintendo when they try to be a little more open-minded (and fail) even if other E3s probably make more games built to last in comparisson, cuz we gay people only care about NINTENDO YOU KNOW? Shade asside... 

I was pleasantly surprised this E3, it wasn’t just a series of okay at best releases, a strong 9/10. 

tHAT WAS WHAT I WROTE IN PREPRATION....

BUT THEN???? IT WAS JUST THAT??? NO PRIME 4 NO ANYTHING LIKE JUST 3 GAMES BASICALLY? (maybe there was 5 games but eh) I mean smash is good.. It’s pretty much just an update of the last smash, every character is REALLY FUCKING GOOD BUT.... JUST THAT? jeez.. Like, the only stuff I wanted from it was Mario Party and Smash... Okay maybe that 1 Mecha game. Also I guess fornite is now on Switch but I can play that anywhere else really.

I guess a 7/10 is all I can give to just Smash, if there was a little more I’d give it a 9/10 for sure but... ehh Just Smash? jeez, fuck... i MEAN I kind of get it, Nintendo doesn’t do “e3″ normally, they usually do 1 big game at E3 and then wait a couple of months to do that little seasonal announcement thing they do across the year, ugh.. Okay. Yeah I guess i shouldn’t have expected much. Still isn’t it weird that Miyamoto was in Ubisoft’s E3 but not this one??? what!

Anyways

[i-need-a-place-for-my-thoughts]

20201121

it’s been a while. how’ve you been? i’ve been having a fucking time and a half

here are some things that have happened since the last time i wrote

- I quit my old job a couple months ago (fuck that place man my last day was absolute shit, glad to be out of that bitch of a place)

- I got a new job and went though downsizings and somehow survived

- i made a new friend and she’s fucking amazing (potentially making more friends as well)

- got light headed/tunnel visioned, (very weird experience), when i tried to start conversing with someone (i was able to talk with him before but it’s hard for me to start conversations and talk to people)  

- i’ve been taking japanese lessons to try and review and improve because i really want to get better to have deeper converations. i also have bought more language books than i probably need but who the fuck really cares. i’ve been meaning to get back into my german more, i also took a slight interest in russian as well as french and perhaps spanish cause the language app that i use added on latin american spanish. and get back into korean as well

- i’ve been talking more with this guy i work with (that i really want to be friends with) and i may or may not be catching feeling for him and i fucking hope i’m not. i can’t handle liking someone again, it only ever ends up in sadness

- i started this sort of project, it’s embroidery and i want to make a mask based off of someone’s design. it sounds bad when i say it like that, it’s mainly me being inspired to make something that i think looks cool. in no way shape or form would i ever credit myself to the design, or sell it because it’s not mine. this is a train wreck. it’s just a personal project, a sort of fan art? i guess? fuck i’ll just shut up about it

- i’ve had lots of ups and downs lately and it sucks. maybe because it’s me putting myself down, getting discouraged a shit ton mainly. also not liking how my body looks. i feel like i have too much extra weight and it keeps me from feeling confident/comfortable, and i also feel like i have too much body hair, and i don’t know what to do.. maybe i could talk to a doctor to see if there’s anything that maybe be off balance with me... i hate it here

- i’ve recently started to think about college again, i want to try and get maybe my generals in so i can have my associates in and complete, so then when i finally decide on what i want to do, i can do that. i keep having this reoccurring thought about mechanical engineering, so i might actually look into that a lot more

- i’ve been working lots of overtime lately, and that’s okay cause i want the money. cuase i want to work on getting myself a new car, preferably with 4 wheel drive cause it would be nice and convenient to have. and also to save up to have a good amount incase of emergency, and to be able to save up for my trip to japan whenever it is that i can go. and having money to try and go to college whenever that may be, i kinda hope soon

- also am starting to have mixed feelings about co-workers, one of which was honestly kinda pissing me off, he was being real fucking inconsiderate but i couldn’t say anything, i’m not gonna get into that too much

okay so i want to talk about this guy at work real quick. so he’s really funny and i really want to get to know him better, the problem is is that he doesn’t really answer questions about himself. like, i have no clue what type of music he listens to, no one does, maybe one person at work who is his friend, but the closest i got was why he doesn’t say anything. he told me that it was because he got annoyed with being asked these questions (multiple times in a day) that he just decided to stop answering and then soon began to enjoy the frustration of people when they couldn’t get him to answer. he’s such an interesting character, but he’s really funny. every time he starts to say something about himself, i try to listen in, i just really want to get to know who he is, what makes him, him, ya know? my sister thinks he likes me though, and i don’t know what to think. some of the interactions we have makes her believe that, and maybe he does or maybe he doesn’t. i want to write about him, and i doubt anyone will find this, but i don’t how much is okay for me to share? i mean, this is a completely innocent talking about him, but i dunno, maybe it is okay to say a few small things. maybe talking about our interactions is okay. i dunno. i’ll write what i think is okay to share. there is something that happened today that i do want to mention, so i had heard once from someone that he spoke spanish. and i had heard him say his name with an accent and maybe say one or two words to this one person, but today that same person (that i heard him talk to before) had said something to him in spanish to which he started to reply in spanish, he was kinda quite but i tried my best to listen because i really really really love to hear people speak in other languages, its just so cool to me, especially to be able to hear him, because i think people’s voices (and demeanor) change when they speak a different language. but then someone had called attention to it and then he stopped, which made me really sad, and i don’t know exactly how i would be able to ask if i could hear him speak, especially cause i understand how it is to have someone know you are learning/can speak another language and then immediately are asked to say something. he’s probably been asked that a lot too. but then he was saying to the person who had brought it up that it was his secret (as in he doesn’t just go around telling people that he can speak spanish) and to me it is really important to not tell people information about another person, especially if they ask you not to, or if it seems like they don’t want it to be shared. it’s not my secret to share so i won’t share it, and also don’t bring shit up if people aren’t saying it themselves, they might not tell you that they don’t want it shared but they trust you to not say anything, a mutual trust of “this is between us because i don't normally share things about myself but i trust you enough to tell you but i’m not explicitly going to say don’t tell people but that doesn’t mean you can go around telling people” (example, i was sitting with my co-workers eating pizza and the topic was brought up about smoking, mainly because we saw another co-worker have a vape and a cigarette at the same time, and one of my co-workers was saying that it’s really unattractive when someone smokes (especially a girl). now, i’ve vaped before, and i didn’t feel like sharing that information in general, especially after that comment, but someone else started mentioning how they vape but don’t smoke cigarettes, but then they turned to me and said “hey you’ve vaped before, do you smoke cigarettes??” and i felt very awkward when that happened, and i tried to save myself by saying that i don’t do it very often, it’s only once in a while (which is true) and it’s only to do the french inhale cause it’s cool and fun when you are able to do it. it’s best to pretend that you’re the only other person who knows that information and just keep it to yourself. i’m sure they didn’t have any ill intent when they said and was just asking and what not, but i really didn’t like that that happened, especially because 1, i didn’t want to share that with this group (i didn’t want it shared in general but it got out once by someone else trying to be inclusive), and 2, the guy i might be crushing on was there.. i don’t know if that changed his opinion of me, i really hope not, but we have interacted more since then so maybe it’s okay. something that happened that made me happy though is that we’ve had physical contact (mainly instigated by him). once he was asking where my friend was cause he was gonna surprise/confuse her by wearing this box on his head, and i said where she should be, and thought he was just gonna go but he then turns more towards me and says “wanna come with me?” and it made me so happy, i said yes and went with him. but while we were all chatting together he was explaining how one of our bosses kept messing around and tapping his shoulder and then moving to the other side to trick him, and he tapped my shoulder and i was like  w o w , because i didn’t expect him to do that, and then the next day, we were interacting a lot (more than i had ever done in a day, mostly because i’m god awful at talking to people in general) but during that day at work i was going though stuff and i didn’t even realize that he had come up next to me until i felt him push into my arm and say “boop”. it sounds weird to say, but that was amazing to me, cause for one, again, i didn’t expect him to do that and sometimes physical touch like that is nice to me. and then later he made me smell his jacket twice cause he was upset about smelling like a co-worker (he had also said, before this, that he needed to wear it to make it smell like him which was funny hahhaha) just gonna admit and put this out there, but he does smell really good. and today he was kinda pushing into me again and this time i pushed back slightly too. on a slight different note, i had a dream with him in it where we were laying in a bed together just embracing and he had his head on my chest.. me and my lonely self really enjoyed that, and thankfully that wasn’t interrupted, i would’ve loved to have just kept dreaming about that, but the dream changed and i was woken up by my alarm to get ready for the day. i just need an extremely long hug really fucking bad my dude. it’s not even funny anymore

i’m sad as fuck dude

and sometimes i really hate being aware of it, it try to keep myself from spiraling, but i’m also told to just let myself feel how i am feeling, but i get even more quiet than i already am and shut down so much. its.. i don’t know how to explain it.. it just sucks  

i would really like a significant other right now. if i could have someone make me feel the way howl’s moving castle does, boy fucking howdy that’d be great

i feel like there’s more i could talk about.. oh yeah, my japanese tutor/friend though i was drunk once while we were talking cause i had been excited to tell him about my interactions at work, so i was talking more than i usually did and it was surprising to him. i also feel like i might’ve overshared slightly, i hope that didn’t fuck anything up and make him feel weird. but i think i’m maybe kinda improving with my japanese, i need to learn some more vocabulary and some more grammar structures, so when we talk it won’t be half english the whole time

i also need to draw more.. damn.. and make things. like art and food. i want to make macaroons, i know they’re tricky to make, but i want to try and get good at making them  

this seems like a long update, but that’s okay, i’ve been meaning to write some stuff lately, and i guess tonight was the night, and i might just write more in my journal for some other things, that seems like an okay thing to do. 

i hope everyone is doing okay and staying safe out there, i think i’ll leave this here for now, remember to get some sleep, stay hydrated, and eat some good food, take care y’all,

until the next update guys, bye bye