#to the extent where snake-anxiety-dreams are like

[viviantimmet]

Dream Journal 6/15/2023:

there is an orange and white ball python behind the bookshelf. I feed it, and take a photo, where you can see the two geckos it has swallowed beneath its skin. Wait What? But I had to give Koy away! On a second glance, it is just a giant lizard, which is fine, sometimes there are giant lizards. PSYCHE there's both, the snake has just left. It is perhaps some offspring of Koy (that is never something I question too deeply in my snake dreams). It is crawling about, leaving bloody streaks on the floor(??!!). Its movement is weaving and wobbly, its head at an odd angle, sort of collapsed. The blood is from its heatpits, smeared down its chin and belly. Dad appears in the hallway. We converse. The snake looks more and more broken. I assent to putting it out of its misery. Dad holds it down by the neck and crushes its misshapen skull beneath his heel.

[levicanpunchme]

AAAAAA I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCHHHH SYEGHQYEHW can i request something where the reader tries to persuade levi to take a break from his paperwork?? aaaaaaa i literally love u some much jagduwyshdsj thank you<3333

AAAAAA, I LOVE YOUUUUU 🙈 thank you so much for the kind words 🥺 I’m sorry this took a while but it’s finally here~! And thank you for requesting babe <333

——————————————————————

Levi X Y/N

Genre: Romance/Fluff/Angst

Sharing Your Exhaustion

The hallways were eerily quiet, presumably because the members were drained off after hectic training; they couldn’t help jump into their dreams before they had to head back for more painful training. You took nimble steps towards the captain’s room and rushed to open the door, knots forming in your stomach in bustling excitement. Yesterday, Levi was so busy with paperwork, you had chose not to visit him, not wanting to disturb him. There were days when you had to ignore your feelings because you were in a relationship with none other than Captain Levi, the strongest solider who shouldered the burden of humanity’s right to existence.

As you stepped in, you realised the room was lighted up, which was foreign because by this time, Levi would be waiting for you in bed with lights off. Your gaze sauntered from the empty bed to the wooden desk next to the window and caught sight of your raven haired boyfriend, seated before his desk with a pencil in his grip as he sharply wrote something down. You frowned, staring at the clock for reconfirmation.

It was one am. By this time, Levi would have tidied up his messy desk, taken a shower and waited for you to come over-sometimes even making personal trips to your room to get you.

You lightly shut the door behind you, taking light steps towards your hardworking boyfriend. Despite making zero to no sound, you caught his attention immediately as if he sensed you around; his bleak eyes seemed to warm up like the moonlight, his thin lips morphing into a tiring smile.

“How was training?” His gentle voice already calmed your nerves. “Tiring,” you muttered with a generous smile and made your way to his chair.

“Tch, don’t work so hard, brat,” he gruffly muttered, his voice etched with concern.

Nearing him, you noticed the blue lines of fatigue on his pale skin carved under his eyes, his forehead creased from tension, posture seemingly uncomfortable with his back positioned away from the chair, probably from leaning down to observe papers. An awful feeling arose in the pit of your stomach. Your judgment stood corrected as you observed the stack of parchments bundled on the side of his table. Just looking at it gave you a headache.

You instinctively stepped closer behind his chair and snaked your arms around his neck tightly, recompensing for the time away from him. The smell of him on the shirt you were wearing was nothing compared to his actual embrace. The shower you had taken before had helped your nerves ease after practise but Levi’s embrace completely sucked every last drop of ache out of your body.

A breathy sigh escaped his mouth as he eased into your hold, his breathing calm against your frame. For a moment, it was only you and Levi in your own bubble; nothing else existed. Two aching souls finding peace in one another. And then a moment later, the bubble bursted.

“Y/n, turn the lights off and get some sleep. I’ll need to stay working,” he put his hand over yours which were resting on his chest and nudged his head against yours, encouraging you to go to bed.

You frowned, your chest tightening.

Ever since the commander’s announcement for a new mission outside the walls, the workload was piquing- especially for the captains. The pile of documents needing Levi’s attention were still toppling his desk and he hadn’t even moved an inch from the worktable since before yesterday night. You didn’t see him at practise, lunch, dinner or even in the meeting with Hange. He seemed to have disconnected entirely from human interaction, determined to get his work done.

“Levi, you’ve been here since the whole day,” you muttered, expressing your discern with a frown. Your arms only grew tighter around him worriedly.

He shook his head, giving your hand a tight squeeze. “It’ll take me one more night and I’ll be done.” You peeled yourself away from him and stared at the man with desperation. You had come to a realisation that Levi coped in different ways in tense times. When the atmosphere became grim, he spent days drowning himself with papers and refused to take breaks- as if he was punishing himself. Even when he came back from expeditions, you wouldn’t see his face until a week after. He stared at words for so long that they probably haunted him.

“Levi, you’re overworking yourself to the bone. You need sleep,” you argued, scowling at the lack of concern in his narrow eyes.

“I’m perfectly fine, don’t worry. Now, go and get some sleep. You must be exhausted,” his words were stern, commanding you and his gaze indifferent, holding no room for debate. His eyes remained cold but you could tell he felt apologetic as he softly caressed your cheek with his palm, stroking them. He limply smiled, then nodded at you and motioned towards the bed, implying you leave him alone.

You stared at him distraught. How could Levi expect you to turn away and conveniently slip into bed while his red-rimmed eyes were starving for rest as he pushed himself more and more? Again an unsettling feeling arose in your chest; even his fingers were inflamed from gripping the pencil for too long; he rubbed the back of his neck occasionally which meant he had been craning it for too long to read the goddamn papers.

Your fists clenched in despair as you bit back the curses you wanting to ensue; dating a workaholic man with zero awareness was a pain in the ass. You sighed sympathetically at the man you loved and then stepped closer to the desk, in front of him. You grabbed one large pile of his documents and brought them with you to the bed.

“Hey-hey! What’re you doing?” He immediately sprung out of his chair, and it made you want to cackle because it was probably the first time his leg muscles contracted since he sat down with these documents on that damned chair.

“I’ll help,” you explained as you sat cross legged on the cold sheets of his bed, picking up the first stapled document.

“No,” he rasped. “You are doing no such thing. Get to bed, right now,” it wasn’t a suggestion but a chilling command; Levi’s tone was dangerously low, making your stomach knot up with nervousness.

You glanced up and regretted it immediately because it magnified your anxiety: his misty eyes were staring down at you scornfully, burning your skin; his chest heaved impatiently and his fists were clenched like he would pounce at you any second.

“Levi—“

“Every-fucking-one is beaten after today’s practise, I know that. Just because I wasn’t there, it doesn’t mean I don’t know shit. Hange informed me about your pathetically long training,” Levi’s voice was oddly rough but the coldness in his eyes melted. His face was scrunched in distress.

You loved this man so much with every part of you. How could he be worrying over you when he was literally starving and sleepless from the work pressure? Your nose burned, and you felt your eyes welling up, with overwhelming emotions, but you didn’t let him see that or he’d lose his sanity and flip the world over to know exactly the reason behind your tears.

You stepped out of the bed and walked close to him, edging to him until his nose was brushing yours conveniently since you both were the same height. At close proximity, his almond shaped eyes were tired-red and sully but there was also a strange glint of warmth in the dull grey clouds, reflecting the effect you have on him. His breathing was unsteady as he stared directly at you.

“If you’re too exhausted, we can share the exhaustion just like we share love, Levi,” you whispered, your lips meeting the corner of his mouth and landing it with a kiss. Jitters ran down his spine and his mouth tingled.

We can share exhaustion just like we share love. The words reverberated again and again in his head, tugging at the strings of his heart. At that moment, he wished to throw you into his bed and kiss your exhaustion away. He forcefully stepped back, his insides twisting in misery, desperate to have his way with you. You were always so understanding. Levi could never wrap his head around how you were so transparent and loving. You stood by him in miserable times, struggling to heal his endless wounds. Your selflessness ate at him because in this big, relentless world, he only wanted you to be selfish.

“I’ll arrange these documents, so you’ll know which ones merely require signatures and which need proper attention. It’ll decrease your workload and reading time to a great extent.” You were already on the bed, reading through the document with vitality.

He surveyed you for a moment, his heart drumming faster against his chest. “Come on, get going. We have a lot to do.” Levi timorously stepped back, watching you.

You already got to work and started assessing papers and reading through files. You almost threw in the towel by your fifth document but continued working, determined to help him. You mentally praised Levi’s great work ethics, his neat textura script making you smile.

Levi, on the other hand, stood frozen in his tracks; his chest felt strange as he watched you work on his documents. No one had ever done this-not that he ever wanted it. Hell, he was the strongest, most independent man, who never let his guard down which is primarily the reason why people didn’t bother with him. He alone equated to the strength of a thousand army of titans. He created this headstrong image for the world, Levi Ackerman, the hope of humanity, as he filled in gaps of weaknesses left in his trails.

Why did you see him? You knew he could take it, then why didn’t you let him be, like everyone else? Why did you want to shoulder his burdens by sacrificing your peace?

His head began pounding.

Before he saw you today, he was perfectly fine with his negligent ways: he didn’t feel his stomach rumbling from emptiness, his mouth as dry as the desert, his back aching from distress or his eyes stinging from sleeplessness. Now, when he saw you rubbing your red eyes, squinting them to read the documents and massaging your template in soft circles, he recovered his sanity.

As if he regained his humanity, his body which was numb from the moment he sat with those papers, collapsed into a surge of emotions.

He couldn’t bear it.

He treated himself inhumanely. But not you. God no, never you. You didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t treat you the way he treated himself. He’d rather throw himself off a cliff than give you a taste of his pain. Feeling overwhelmed, his vision blurred as he took heavy steps towards you. You looked up from the paper, hearing him moving towards you and your breath ceased.

Silver eyes were shadowy with a thunderous wave of agony, and a deploring frown weighted down his lips as his steps faltered towards you. You immediately stood up, your hackles rising in concern. You had never seen Levi look so defeated and beaten— not even when he came back from outside the walls. Your stomach twisted in despair. Maybe you had hurt him in your attempts to stick beside him. You felt tears choking your vision as you waited for him to throw you out of his room.

He was an inch away when his body fell against you, a squeal leaving your mouth. His arms were clasping around your waist as he pushed his weight down, causing your knees to buckle against the bed and you both fell. He was on top of you, his body completely attached to you like he were a part of you. Your heartbeat escalated as Levi looked at you, his red eyes drunk with exhaustion staring into the depth of your orbs.

Inside your dark eyes, he only saw himself. Only himself. His breathing hardened, mouth watering at the sight. He couldn’t take it anymore, his love for you triumphing over the last shred of common sense left in his brain. Drained and disillusioned, he found solace within you.

He attacked your mouth like a starved beast, every ounce of his being wanting you to feel the love bustling in his veins. Your toes curled in pleasure, the warmth of his mouth creating an euphoric sense of stability in your soul. You gripped his hair softly, running your fingers through his scalp and his eyes screwed shut in comfort. His lips kissed to your jawline and in the crevice of your neck, trailing downwards, marking your skin as his.

Your moans and his heavy breaths filled up the silence in the room.

“I love you,” he whispered and you swear you felt a wet droplet fall against your skin. Your stomach clenched; It was his first time telling you he loved you. You tried saying it back but no words left your mouth, just a stream of sobs.

Before, you felt him love you through his own unintentional ways but nothing could counter these three words falling off his lips just for you.

And then he rustled against the sheets, laying beside you and pulled you on top of him, your head resting against his chest. His heartbeat vibrating against your frame caused your tense body to ease in his hold. The documents sat on the edge of the bed, neglected. Soon slumber overpowered both Levi and your senses. Even though you both had to wake up within the next-six-hours, It was the best damn sleep Levi had ever gotten.

[ohthatsviolet]

Miroctane Event Day 5 - Free Day

Words: 1,081

Summary: Elliott enjoys a rare opportunity to lie in with a snoozing Octavio.

Couldn’t let this event end without doing one domestic fluff piece. Ao3 link will be in the RBs. 

The late morning sun broke through the cracks in the curtains, forming a seam along the floor that crept by the end of the bed and settled in the dark space between the bedside table and wall. Elliott’s amber eyes had been following it back and forth for the amount of time he’d been awake, despite it never moving. It was unusual for him to have this type of quiet moment now. Octavio was still sound asleep beside him so the apartment was free of disturbances for once. Usually the runner would have the TV on, the shower running or be failing to muffle his giggles at some video on his phone when Elliott woke up. In many cases his pottering around their home was the reason for him waking up in the mornings. He partially felt guilty for enjoying this moment of solace. He knew Octavio had some trouble sleeping last night and that was more than likely the reason for him getting to have this lie in. He vaguely remembers the runner jolting awake and frantically rubbing his eyes as he muttered something about a crash and landslide but Elliott thinks he must have fallen back asleep before Octavio could finish his barely comprehensible rambling.

Maybe they could talk about it when he woke up, Elliott thought, despite knowing well that his partner didn’t usually enjoy talking about these types of things. Octavio was always willing to lend an ear if Elliott wished to talk about a bad dream he’d had but when the roles were reversed he tended to keep it to himself. Elliott rolled over to face his sleeping partner. He looked relaxed now, despite the curled fist that had found its way onto the side of the trickster’s pillow. His breaths were even, his lips slightly parted and his jaw was slackened. He looked absolutely adorable and Elliott couldn’t help but think it was such a shame that he rarely got to see Octavio like this, even though he had the pleasure of sleeping next to him every night. He was tempted to give the fingers lying on his pillow a soft kiss but he knew even the smallest of disturbances could possibly wake Octavio so he decided against it.

He thought maybe it was time to leave the warmth of the sheets and get up to face the day. Elliott pushed his weighted blanket and sheets to the side, swinging his legs around slowly, his toes wiggling as soon as they made contact with the floor. He was just about to reach and grab the old sweatpants he’d discarded to the floor the night before, until he felt a light poke to his back. "Mmph...Ell? Where are you going?" "I'm getting up. It's morning time." The trickster looked over his shoulder at his partner who was pushing himself onto his elbow and harshly rubbing at his eyes, a look of confusion on his face. "You don't have to get up," Elliott told him, watching as the younger Legend scooted across the bed towards him. Octavio planted his cheek against his shoulder and snaked an arm around his waist. "Don't get up yet...I feel like...the shittiest shit." Elliott chuckled quietly, placing his hand over the one resting against his stomach. "Go back to sleep, baby. I'll call you when breakfast is ready." The runner paused for a moment, idly but gently tracing the soft lines of muscle under his fingertips. His thumb came to skim through the line of hair beneath his lover's naval before burying his face in the curve between his shoulder blades, whining in protest. "No. Not without you."

Octavio fell backwards against his pillow, taking Elliott with him. He decided to just go with it; it’s not like he wanted to put up a fight anyway. The trickster looked up at him from his newfound spot with the back of his head resting against his lover’s chest, though his feet were left to hang off the edge of the bed somewhat awkwardly. He tickled the underside of Octavio’s chin lightly with his fingers, making him giggle and squirm half-heartedly. They lay in silence for some time and Elliott turned his head to listen to the steady drumming of Octavio’s heart. Elliott understood Octavio’s difficulty with sleep to an extent. Before they’d met, his sleep schedule had been all over the place and he’d regularly toss and turn during the night, unable to shut his brain off. He knows now it was all anxiety related and though he still had the odd restless night or nightmare, he’d noticed a big improvement since he'd begun trying to take better care of himself. Octavio’s poor relationship with sleep seemed to be formed by a combination of his high energy levels and a deep-rooted fear of being left on his own. Just like his dreams, this topic wasn’t something they had discussed in much depth but Elliott knew him well enough by now to be able to take the pieces Octavio had given him and put them together to give him some understanding of the inner workings of his partner’s mind.

Elliott adjusted himself so he could roll back under the covers and sidled up to Octavio, who let out a satisfied sigh as soon as he felt his warmth on his skin. “Try to get some more sleep, okay? I’ll be right here.” Octavio nodded slowly, using his arm to shield his eyes from the sun’s light, which made Elliott briefly consider getting up to adjust the curtains but he was so content in Octavio’s presence, he was beginning to wonder what had possessed him to want to get up the first time and decided against it.   “Will you do that thing you do?” Octavio mumbled as he lay his arm out across the trickster’s stomach, allowing Elliott to catch his meaning without him having to say it. “I’d do anything for you, babe. Just relax. I've got you.” He knew the pattern and location by heart, as he began to lightly trace the bold lettering tattooed into the runner’s arm. Octavio let out a contented sound and turned his face so he could tuck his head under his partner’s chin, totally relaxed. Elliott took a quick glance at the clock before deciding that time didn’t matter. He had nothing to do today and was more than happy to just lie here and enjoy these moments of peace, a little while longer.

[ancsthctist-archived]

[ coated ] :)

//. @makersruins​ // old meme // thyra

     He hadn’t encountered such a horrifying sight since the Calamity. Desensitized to the conflicts that engulfed Eorzea to its brim and beyond, the smell of blood was something he was keenly used to, constantly aware of and forever retaining in the blueprint memory of his dreams. Thyra was a fighter--he knew this. Did he worry? Yes, but not quite to the extent as he probably should have. He knew she was a fighter. And he knew she’d get hurt to some extent. But... she was strong. One of the strongest people he ever knew, almost to the point where coming down to brass tacks, Thyra could put him on his back with relative ease, Warrior of Light be damned.

     Lo, the creeping dusk settled over the Gridanian canopy, and he was loathe to push away his all-night studies overdue rest a moment longer when a curious knock at his door reaches large tufted ears. The door creaked open with a sense of uncertainty, and time seems to slow to a crawl as it swings open, and it seems as if it’s minutes before he realizes what he smells. The familiar taste of iron acrid and sick on his tongue, and worse, it was familiar. Blood he’d smelled before, but not in such quantities. Gods, oh gods--

     ❝ Thyra-- ❞ the name leaves his mouth like a snake, headless and groaning in its suffering. Sluggish, movements as those of the undead, reawakened unnaturally, causing the sound to shudder and whither just below the threshold of a whisper. If he thought he was getting mildly sleepy earlier, he was sure as shit awake now, and his body moves of its own accord, grabbing hold of his dearest friend and hauling her inside. Twelve above--Gods, Menphina; oh Hades, please let this be just a mixture of her’s and someone else’s. There has to be a limit, it can’t all be Thyra’s blood.

     He knows not where Hydaelyn is. He knows not from whence his strength springs, only that he’s rushing, grabbing, cutting, cradling. Words leave him as leaves falling from their branches, gentle and unassuming--quiet and steady on the breeze, Lay back. Open your mouth for me. Watch the light. Follow it with your eyes. Where are you hurt? Thyra, Thyra please speak. Don’t close your eyes, keep talking to me-- He doesn’t have enough twine, enough bandages for her wounds. Water dragged in from the nearby brook, her armor and clothing all soaked head to toe stripped, and carefully he washes, mindful of her wounds, holding her up with one arm while the other ran aether-heated water over pallid flesh, rinsing it clean of sinister red.

     Thyra please, speak to me. Tell me what’s happened. He almost can’t hear his own voice beyond the piercing tinnitus that deafens him. He can’t control his breathing, and his tail nearly knocks over a bucket of water twice in his mounting anxiety. Gently, he shakes her--she must stay awake. He can’t lose her. He can’t lose her in this eleventh hour, when she’s so close. He did everything right this time. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t lose her!

     It’s a reckless decision. But he doesn’t care. Hand against her sternum, his palm glows a gentle blue. If he was worth anything, it was the vast reservoir of aether within him. He shoves it into her like a lifeline, providing a steady flow to her chest, her heart. Her body. Her entirety. Draining himself. He cares not for his own state. He would survive. He always managed to survive. Bereft of energy, he all but collapses, stopping himself with the burning ache of his muscles--should he collapse, what would become of her? No. He can’t lay himself down just yet. He saves his last bit of strength to carry her to his bed. Dry her off, bandage her wounds with strips of his own torn clothing. And next to her, he curled, letting her take the blankets. The warmth, the safety. The security. She would have it all under his roof.

     She would have all of him.

[thekidultlife]

Word prompt request pls? Minghao and hands?

(A/N: I uh...if you guys have been following my blog and Leanne's, we've been watching an anime called A Certain Scientific Accelerator and have been going crazy over it for a past few days. I always loved that series and took the time to read the novels, so this was directly inspired from it....i know you guys wanted some fluff but im in a mood for horror these days 😂 -Hyeri)

◇

"Just a little bit more."

In this deep dark underbelly of a certain city of science, lies a dim luminance amidst the abyss. Light reflected from the human-sized cylinder filled with an unknown liquid, illuminating the large room with a freakishly green glow.

"Just a bit more...with these hands..."

A young man whispered to himself little encouragements as he continued to dance his fingers on the keyboard. His monitor was showing various stats as cables big and small wrapped around him and the cylinder in a snake-like hold.

Despite the speed of his hands, the young man was holding back sobs, puncturing his voices of encouragement like a pierce through the heart.

"I'll...I'll grant your wish..."

In this deep dark underbelly of a certain city of science, a different kind of flower had bloomed.

Years before everything had happened, life was much easier and uncomplicated.

He was Xu Minghao back then, a talented neuroscientist who came to the city lured by generous research grants and advanced technology. There wasn't any downsides as he began his research on dementia and neurological diseases. It was the greatest time of his life surrounded by people who thought like him and appreciated what he was seeking. It was paradise.

Yet when Minghao thought it couldn't get any better, you came along.

"This is test subject 00 - 1a."

You were introduced to him the day, the first of his human volunteers.

"Call me Y/N though! Being called a test subject is pretty awful," you told him as soon as the other head scientist walked away.

Minghao smiled, he had feared you'd be as stoic as the name given to you, yet it seemed those fears were unfounded.

"Then nice to meet you too, Y/N. I'm Minghao," he replied and you grinned, flashing your bright full smile.

"I'll be in your care, doc!"

Y/N was someone who was easy to work with, as Minghao had noted in his logbook. You were nice, cooperative and friendly, and little did he realize how he was slowly growing attached to you.

"Looks like your vitals are fine, Y/N," he told you one day after a regular checkup after a round of tests. "I'm wondering though, why did you become a test subject for this kind of research?"

To his question, you had only grinned. The dull teal green gown on you flowing like the wind as you moved, making him look elsewhere.

"Now, now, doc~ Are you curious?" You asked with a teasing look, "Haven't you found out anything in your research?"

Minghao glanced at you with a frown. "You seem pretty normal, apart from your sudden bouts of unconsciousness."

Smiling, you replied with a twinkle in your eyes. "Looks like you aren't from around here, are you doc?"

It didn't take him long to warm up to you and your bubbly personality. It was the only warmth he could feel down in the desolate and freezing labs, the only one who could make him feel less like a bastard for experimenting with humans and more of a doctor trying to help someone.

"You like to paint, doc?" You asked, munching on a sandwich as you watched him type on a computer.

"From time to time. Why'd you ask?" He replied as he looked up to you.

"Your desktop wallpaper. I felt like you drew that."

"Oh?" Minghao raised his brows, piqued by your comment. "You're quite intuitive, aren't you?"

"I have level 1 telepathy. It's more than enough to sense a few things," you told him with a slight giggle.

"That's amazing. I didn't realize the extent of your abilities," Minghao remarked, to which you only waved your hand in dismissal.

"Not as amazing as others out there," you continued, as your tone went to a downcast turn. "I'm a level one and I can't see a day without suddenly collapsing. Here in this city, people like me are called liabilities."

That was the first time he had heard you open up to him. Minghao gazed at you with heaviness in his heart as you made a bitter and cynical smile.

"I wanted to be useful, just for once in my life. Even if that means I have to be a test subject, at least I can help other people with conditions like me, right doc?"

Despite the smile on your face, Minghao felt the pain and the hurt you had endured all your life. He hated it. He hated how much life had robbed you of the light; a light which you were now ironically seeking at a place where it never shines through.

"It's ok, Y/N," Minghao told you as he wrapped ypu in a tight hug. "I'll help you with your dream. I'll make sure that this research wouldn't be in vain."

With that promise, Minghao began to work extensively. He wanted to remove that painful look on your face as you smiled at him, waving as if it was normal to sit inside a large machine trying to manipulate your brain. It was a sacrifice you were willing to make, and he was determined to achieve your goal.

It was for you. All for you.

Minghao wasn't stupid. He knew you were dying. The bouts of fainting and collapsing was getting more and more frequent. Each passing day, you had grown weaker and he was becoming more and more desparate.

"Her condition is worsening, Dr. Xu. What do we do? She's the most successful of all test subjects."

There was no need for asking.

"Let's move to phase two."

He hadn't thought of it at first, but he had already sunk himself knee deep into the mud without even knowing. He had never realized how twisted this city was and how he had submerged himself in its dark, dark abyss voluntarily.

The first time he saw it was during a failed test.

A huge forced slammed around the thick concrete walls of the room, creating a slight tremor. The glass separating the scientists from the test site suddenly cracked, reflecting the horror on Minghao's face as he saw you pick up a stray iron bar and walked towards a weakened attendant with an uncomprehensible expression on our face that was akin to wicked delight.

"Die. Die. Die. Die! Die!!!"

You screamed, hammering the attendant with the iron bar hard enough to draw blood.

"N-no...stop it! Y/N stop!"

Minghao was the first one to scream as he raced down the testing room, bursting the door open and stopping you before you could commit murder.

He had never recovered from what he saw that day, yet he didn't have the strength to stay away from you.

"...what happened that time, Y/N?" Minghao asked, interviewing you.

You gazed at him, eyes tinged with panic.

"I...I don't know. I'm sorry..."

Minghao could feel the anxiety in your voice, the guilt of killing with your own hands. He didn't want this.

"Y/N, let's just stop this..."

"No!" You shouted, which then turned into soft sobs. "No...no....not now, please, doc. I don't want to be like this anymore...I don't want to be sick anymore."

"Y/N..."

"Please...would you grant me my wish?"

And he did.

And it came with a terrible price.

"No, h-help! Help me please!"

Screams were heard inside the testing room, blood was splattered on the wall. Yet Minghao had become tolerant of it. It was ok. It was for you.

"Who would've thought overlaying a Level 5 esper's thought patterns would make her more stable, though a bit violent. This is good data, Minghao. Congratulations."

He could hear the grant sponsor greet him yet his face remained stoic. He glanced at the folder beside him, not noticing that the research had changed names over the course of several years.

"This marks the first step to the project. Thank you for your work, Doctor."

He was congratulating Minghao as if it was the end. No, it isn't the end. Not yet.

In the deep dark underbelly of a certain city of science, Minghao walked towards the testing room. He could hear water dripping in irregular beats, his steps echoing across the lab.

It was once clean and bright, but now it was in disarray. Abandoned and empty after an incident years before. Minghao had moved on to other projects as well yet he still came back.

"Hi, doc," you greeted him with a bright smile, hands bloody and uniform stained red.

"Hi, Y/N," he replied, his eyes were now heavy and exhausted. Xu Minghao had changed over the years. "How's school?"

Grinning, you pushed the body of a female classmate out of the way so you can reach him.

"It was great! I made some friends, but they didn't really like me..." you pouted, seemingly innocent. "So I made them like me!"

Minghao made a small smile. This was fine. At least you were happy.

In the deep dark underbelly of a certain city of science, a murky darkness filled with despair existed.

-Hyeri

[gascon-en-exil]

I'm genuinely curious about your "Black Eagles most to least favourite" list.

Here you are.

#1: Hubert

Could there be any other? I remember back when there was a promo introducing the house retainers (well, Lorenz for the Deer) and everyone was saying that Hubert looked so obviously evil that there had to be some deeper explanation, that someone who took design cues from a two-dimensional villain like Fates’s Iago couldn’t possibly be Edelgard’s retainer. Then the game came out, and we all realized that Hubert was exactly as advertised and then some: a cold and calculating murderer and war criminal with his fingerprints all over almost every terrible thing that happens over the course of the story, as comfortable with chloroform and a razor as dark magic and down to perform unspeakable experiments on innocent civilians to turn them into war machines and then backstab his co-conspirators because he will suffer no rivals for his title of the Most Evil Man in Fòdlan. And yep, he looks like Dracula and Severus Snape had a one-night stand and their mpreg love child went to an anime convention...but when Ferdinand looks at Hubert he sees Mr. Darcy and the Phantom of the Opera and Edward Cullen/Christian Grey, and soon enough that snake in Hubert’s breeches will be singing quite the aria indeed. You do you, Ferdinand.

Ok, I’ve already rambled at length on Hubert’s bisexuality and the interesting things it reveals about both him and his two primary love interests, but I do also have to admire the sheer audacity both of Hubert as an incel/Nice Guy-flavored romantic false lead for Edelgard who never had a serious chance because of the self-insert fantasy and of the decision to follow that up with a trope-laden queer romance that perfectly counterbalances Hubert’s attraction to Edelgard and puts Ferdinand firmly in the place he was destined to occupy by choosing to side with the Empire. It’s nearly as outrageous as just how casually evil Hubert gets to be, as well as the immense potential for dark humor that lies with that. You have to bend over backwards to say that Hubert isn’t unapologetically, irredeemably evil, and if you try there will be significantly more fans just waiting to tell you that you’re wrong - myself included. He’s the Manfroy to Edelgard’s Arvis but so much than that, and I look forward to the point in the CF postgame where he effectively takes over the Empire in true evil chancellor fashion and unleashes the full extent of his horrors upon Fòdlan. He somehow got even better in the DLC too despite being absent from CS and getting no new supports, because the Abyssians in CF just can’t stop talking about his nefarious antics down there. I just can’t get enough of how good this guy is at being bad, and I love that FE gave us exactly what was advertised here.

#2: Ferdinand

Now here’s a case of the opposite, where what’s on the packaging didn’t prepare me for what was to come. If I remarked on Ferdinand at all during pre-release it was only to think that he might be part of a Christmas knight duo with Sylvain since the game looked like it wouldn’t have one of those. Early on there wasn’t much else to be said about Ferdinand; he was like Claude in that his popularity ran off a meme (except just the one rather than several), and in appearance and personality he was basically Lorenz with less ridiculous hair. But then came his supports, and his post-timeskip look, and suddenly Ferdinand blossomed into the subtext-laden fem with very bizarre taste in men - see above - that he could have only dreamed of being if he’d stuck to such well-trod ground as the Christmas knight archetype. We learn of his love for opera, his complicated relationship with his father, his worship of the hot mess diva Manuela and how he learned swordplay specifically to imitate her roles on the stage, and - yes - how some backhanded compliments and expensive gifts of tea turn him into a blushing Regency heroine. It all casts his unusually rote romances with women in a performative light (as opposed to Lorenz who is similarly performative but seems genuinely interested in the marriage market), to say nothing of his one-sided rivalry with Edelgard that brushes against jealousy over Hubert’s devotion to her more often than against romantic attraction to her, and that toys around with gendered behavior in a manner complementary to Edelgard’s own bucking of the gender status quo.

And while not to the same extent as Felix, I do appreciate that Ferdinand has two distinct arcs depending on the route - and unlike some who feel that one or the other detracts from his character as a whole I personally find that they complement each other well. In SS and if recruited to AM and VW he makes the hard choice to oppose his homeland, spending the timeskip waging a solitary battle against the Empire with his private militia and then joining back up with Byleth’s army at Garreg Mach because he knows Edelgard is in the wrong even as it pains him to depose the Adrestian emperor and leave his own status uncertain...not to mention fight Hubert, which merits a curious boss conversation as well as some extra lines in SS (plus the infamous Huge Hole™ remark that I will never stop referencing because it is hilarious) that, while not elevating Ferdibert anywhere near the level of Dimidue in terms of cross-route canon endorsement, nonetheless are suggestive of something deeper between them that exists even if they find themselves on opposite sides of a war. In CF by contrast Ferdinand gives into his craving for the title and holdings that Edelgard has just stripped from his father and embraces nationalism and his long-held ideal of what the office of the prime minister should to do as a means of justifying the Empire’s conquests. Of course in the process he also succumbs to Hubert’s, er, charms(?) and becomes the charismatic bureaucrat who is presumably saddled with the task of putting a positive spin on the Empire’s dystopian atrocities while Edelgard and Hubert do all the actual work...and Hubert does all the actual actual work, which includes a lot of murder and kidnapping and all manner of other things that he doesn’t share with his pretty lover and about which Ferdinand quickly learns not to ask. Two Jewels of the Empire, indeed.

#3-4: Edelgard and Dorothea

I go back and forth on these so I’m not going to bother putting them in a definitive order, particularly because I like them for very different reasons that are difficult to compare. For Edelgard, it would be most accurate to say that I enjoy her potential much more than her execution; she gets some meaty material to work with as a lord and as the driving antagonist of the whole game outside of CF, and while I still prefer Micaiah for female lords there’s something darkly satisfying about her need for control and domination and her utter refusal to compromise or remain stagnant...except where Byleth is concerned, and Edeleth drags her down so badly that it would be painful if I cared more about that type of strong female character. Had the game axed the self-insert obsession (even if that meant axing her bisexuality along with it) and focused on her experiences during the Insurrection as the source of her worldview and motivations I’d be inclined to like the final product far more, because that’s a hell of a lot more in line with what she actually does and conveniently also maps to the life of a real world ruler with whom I’m relatively familiar and whom history regards in appropriately ambivalent terms.

Dorothea on the other hand is someone I can relate to on a more personal level, mostly as a sex worker. She’s similar to Primrose from Octopath Traveler, both of them prostitutes and playing coy with the implications of the RPG dancer class archetype, although Primrose hits a few more of my buttons for being former nobility and being motivated by revenge. Then again, I fully understand Dorothea’s anxieties about growing old without a man to take care of her, even if she loses me (and Yuri picks up from where she leaves off) when she dips into lesbianism as an alternative option. She’s got her ups and downs for me - I love that she brings up incest kink with Caspar as opposed to this series’s usual outright incest, while I love less her strange Ferdinand supports that are suspended oddly between friendship and romance and...something else undefinable - and I don’t have much to say on her life as an opera diva except that it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that she’s been turning tricks on the side and even got a sugar daddy to pay her way into the academy. Theatre and sex work have always gone hand-in-hand like that.

#5-7: Linhardt, Caspar, and Petra

This is why I couldn’t make up a list like this for the Lions or Deer, because most of their students would be in big clumps like this. I have no strong opinions on any of these characters; they each have their moments, but not enough to elevate them to where I actively like them or drop them down into real dislike. I suppose you could say I’m disappointed by how Caspar and Linhardt are visual allusions to Ike/Soren who do absolutely nothing else with that similarity except eloping in their paired ending...which is preceded by virtually nothing in the way of real chemistry. If I enjoy them for anything in particular it’s Linhardt’s wit and Caspar’s occasional bouts of emotional vulnerability, like his mini-arc in AM where he has to deal with his feelings surrounding Randolph’s death and then later gets an apology from Dimitri for it.

Petra is awkward all around as the game dances around her delicate political situation, and I also happen to agree with the VA who (if I recall) thought the character should have some sort of accent but wasn’t allowed to do one. (If anyone is wondering, based on her last name and Brigid being an island nation I headcanon it as a Celtic-derived culture, but as with my personal reading of Dedue and Duscur I know that doesn’t play well to the fandom at large).  All in all Petra feels like a more self-aware rendition of the exotic swordswoman archetype begun by Ayra in Jugdral, but there’s clearly still some work to be done on that front.

#8: Bernadetta

Ugh. With apologies to @capriciouscorvid for explaining how even unintentional disability representation can be taken as a positive, I just don’t see how Bernadetta’s character could possibly be considered a good thing when she’s so grating in almost all of her supports and most of her story and exploration presence outside of CF. All the screaming and high-pitched pronouncements of impending death get very old very quickly, and the part where she’s meant to be romantically appealing in her neediness and isolation is as lost on me as it would have been had it stemmed instead from a massive rack. Her supposedly sympathetic backstory doesn’t help much either, as it leaves me mostly with the thought that her father is an idiot because his methods obviously did not make her suitable to be a good wife. I also don’t care for how she’s one of several characters used to soften Jeritza (and that the way she does so is I think rather insulting to people with social anxiety, to liken it to a compulsion to commit murder), or even worse that people point to her Hubert support to try and say that he’s not such a bad guy and they’d be total besties just like Ferdinand and Dorothea (another pairing that doesn’t exactly scream BFFs). I mean, really....

[just-got7-things]

A Heart is a Heavy Burden

Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 

She doesn’t know how long she swam through the darkness, but her body refuses to move no matter how much she tries. It is as if a huge weight is on top of her, keeping her down in the depths of the abyss.

An echo finally appears in what felt like the front of her head. She can’t place the noise but she knows she has to find it. As she gets closer to the noise, it become more clear. The familiar voice is saying something to her, calling her out to consciousness. The dull pain that she felt as she was swimming is awakening once again. Her head pounds and her ears ring when she finally hears her name.

“Y/N! Oh my gosh, Y/N! Come on! Wake up!” The voice frantically calls out to her, desperate for her to wake up. She feels his hands roam her body checking for any injuries she may have obtained from whatever happened. She groans and her body begins to stir. The light is overly bright when she opens her eyes. She blinks back the darkness and looks up to see who’s voice she followed back.

“Y/N! Thank God you’re awake. Are you okay? What happened?” Fluffy brown hair frames a long face with high cheekbones. He looks down at her with worry written all over his face. She could feel his hands shake in both fear and relief.

“Hoseok…h-how did you get here?” Her arms move up under her to push herself up, but a sharp pain runs through her arm causing her to hiss and fall back down. Hoseok’s hands quickly find her shoulders pulling her up before she collapses back to the floor. Her eyes move down her arms in search for the cause of her pain. A blood red circle made of two snakes encasing a flower is burned across her wrist. A large, black bruise blooms just beneath it allowing a dull throb to match the beat of her pounding heart. A gasp escapes her lips as she studies the intricate marking.

“I was on my way home when I saw your door open. I looked in to find you laying on the floor. You-” Hoseok’s eyes follow hers. His mouth falls open as soon as he sees it permitting an inaudible gasp to fall out. One of his hands moves under her arm to hold it in place as his fingers delicately trace over the pattern. She winces at his touch but doesn’t pull away. His touch somehow soothes her skin enough for it to be bearable. He pulls his eyes up to hers, a million questions running through them. Her eyes mirror his but she finds something she doesn’t expect.

A thin silver ring surrounds his iris but quickly disappears as soon as she notices it. Her eyebrows furrow but before she can say anything, Hoseok is getting up and walking into the kitchen. He grabs a small towel and wets it with cold water. He brings it back to her and wraps it around her arm. The cold cloth calms her inflamed skin and a small bit of tension is released from her shoulders.

“Y/N, what happened?” Hoseok’s voiced is laced with anxiety as he stares at her fragile state. She looks down but quickly meets his eyes once more.

“A witch was here tonight.” Saying it aloud made the dream become reality. She stares at Hoseok gauging his reaction. When he stares back, she feels the need to continue, “A few weeks ago, on the way home, I was being followed by someone or rather something. I was prepared to defend myself but someone else came and saved me. It was someone I had met before when I was a little girl. He looked exactly the same though, I don’t know how. Anyway, he made the thing disappear and I came home like nothing happened.”

She wishes he would give her any type of reaction but he didn’t. He sat there patiently listening with intent. “Tonight, a witch barged in asking how I knew someone. I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked her to leave. That’s when she attacked me. I blacked out and then you found me.” Her voice falls flat with every word. She wasn’t one to talk over enthusiastically but her words left an odd taste in her mouth. When she looks back up to Hoseok, his eyes have changed. They no longer stare at her but at the ground. “Hoseok?” She calls his name and he immediately snaps his head up.

“Who was she looking for?” He asks with urgency. His breathing noticeably increases as he waits for the answer.

“You- Now you don’t look good. Hoseok, what’s wrong?” His face becomes pale the more she asks. His eyes continuously flicker between her and the floor as if he was avoiding something.

“Who was she looking for, Y/n?” He makes his voice strong again but she can tell something is really bothering him.

“Kim Taehyung.” The name causes her to whisper. She doesn’t know why but it carries weight. Her wrist stiffens as the syllables leave her mouth like the scar is listening to her speak. The throbbing pain that was subsided with the cold towel once again returns causing her eyebrows to knit together in discomfort. Hoseok sees her face change and reaches up to feel of the now dry towel. He carefully unwraps it from her wrist and goes into the kitchen to dampen it again. She studies her mark but Hoseok returns quickly and wraps it up again. He sits on his knees and sighs heavily.

“We better get that looked at.” He stands up before offering his hand to her. She accepts his offer and manages to pull herself off the floor with his assistance. Her body is stiff from laying in an awkward position for who knows how long. She carefully shakes out her limbs and attempts to get her body back to normal, as much as she can at least.

“I don’t think we can just show up to a hospital and say that a witch did this. That would raise too many questions that we don’t have answers to. I don’t even know who they were.” Her mind flips through the stories she’s heard of people going to the authorities or hospital about supernatural attacks. They usually didn’t end well.

Hoseok stares at the wall contemplating what to do. She can see his mind working as fast as it can to think of a better idea. Finally he speaks,“I know of a place. Let’s just hope they are as friendly as the rumors say. Get dressed.” Hoseok pauses and looks at her with an odd expression, “but don’t look in the mirror.”

“What do you mean?” She is already headed to her room when she hears the last part of his sentence. Instead of going into her room, she turns into the bathroom and turns on the light. The sight she is met with causes her jaw to lose all tension. Standing before her was not her reflection. Her hands fly to her hair and pull at it frantically. The eyes that stare back at her are full of shock. Silver hair frames her face, still curly from the tight bun she had earlier. Grey eyes sparkle in the light above the mirror. She even has silver eyebrows to match. She quickly moves around the bathroom trying to find fault in the reflection. A pit opens in her stomach as she studies herself. At a moment like this, one usually would scream or cry or just utterly panic. She is confused yes, but she also feels numb. This makes the pit even bigger.

Movement in the doorway catches her eye and she immediately turns to Hoseok in confusion. Instead of panic, he looks sad. He looks her up and down but finally meets her eyes. “It will be okay. They should be able to help. We will get you back to normal, but we need to hurry.”

The pit in her stomach seemed endless but she knows she has to get moving. She exits the bathroom, pushing past Hoseok who continues to watch her from the doorway as she moves into her bedroom. She gathers her clothes and looks at him, silently sending him away so she can change. They have been friends for years but that didn’t mean she no longer required privacy. She can see in his eyes how disturbed he is. From what he has told her, he has had dealings with magic before but not like this.

He keeps an eye on her as she moves throughout the apartment collecting things she might need. He can sense whatever encloses her aura and he doesn’t like it. More has changed than just her physical appearance but he doesn’t know the exact extent yet and that troubles him deeply. He cares for her and will take extreme measures to protect her no matter what. Guilt fills his chest as his eyes follow his now silver haired friend, he wishes he could have come home a little sooner. Maybe things would be different. He smiles at her when she finally announces that she is ready to go but his smile does nothing to reassure her. His eyes tell her that something is very wrong.

~~~

She didn’t know where they were going but she trusted Hoseok enough to know that he wouldn’t lead her into any danger. He took her through many back alleys and main avenues before she finally could figure out the familiar path. Some of these streets are ones she uses to get to work but some she didn’t recognize at all. She would be lost by now if she wasn’t following closely behind Hoseok. You have to be lost to find things that don’t want to be found. A voice echoes through her head reminding her of her childhood. She hasn’t heard that saying in years and it brings a little comfort to her with all the chaos that has happened lately. Her thoughts flip through her mind about her past as she and Hoseok round an unfamiliar corner connecting to another alleyway, although this alleyway pulls her out of her thoughts immediately.

Cracked, weathered bricks surround the two of them leading to a dust covered shop that looks as if it has been left untouched for ages. Confusion settles over her and her feet come to halt. This is the third time she has seen this shop and somehow it feels wrongs. She feels as if no one should lay eyes upon it except maybe once in a lifetime on a chance that it allows itself to be seen, but this is the third time now that she gazes upon it. It feels wrong… but it also feels right, like she belongs there. Like she is meant to view this shop as many times as she wishes.

Hoseok looks behind him to make sure she is still following him. When he sees that she stopped he grabs her hand delicately and pulls her along. It doesn’t take much for her feet to move again and they quickly walk up to the shop.

“Hoseok, what are we doing here?” He hasn’t said a word to her since they left and they have been walking around for at least two hours. Hoseok turns to her with confusion written all over his face, “Wait, you’ve been here before? When? How?” His gaze is fixed upon her waiting for her reaction when something moves behind out of the corner of her eye. She barely catches it but she knows she saw it. Out of the corner of her eye, a golden wisp of light moves across one of the windows on the second floor. Glittery flakes of amber trail behind it as it quickly moves out of sight.

“Y/n.” Her name being called pulls her attention to the man in front of her. “How do you know this place?” His look of surprise turns into something she has never seen before. Hoseok’s face contorts into fear and anger. She can’t even guess his thought process but she knows whatever it is, it isn’t good. “Hobi?” The affectionate nickname pulls him out of his thoughts enough for him to cover up whatever he was feeling. He breathes in deep and slowly releases it with a heavy sigh. She’s never seen him act like this. The carefree Hoseok that she knows was not this man that was standing in front of her. He looks deep into her eyes before turning and walking towards the door with her in tow. His grip on her hand is gentle but firm as if he is the one in need of reassurance.

Crumbling stairs lead to two giant, solid wooden doors intricately decorated with twisted beams coming down the sides and across the arched ceiling. Their aged appearance very noticeable at the close proximity. Large splinters rest at the bottom, crawling their way up to the top and the old finish seems to be nonexistent allowing moisture to bow the wood at the sides. A sun resides on the left door and a moon resides on the right. Both looking to be hand carved and very special but the years have finally caught up to them allowing the workmanship to fade. Each step to the door causes a peculiar feeling to run through Y/n. The mark on her wrist stings as they take each step and the scar feels as if its twisting inside her skin. She looks down to find the two snakes surrounding the flower slowly spinning in the endless circle that they complete. Both eat the other one’s tail as they move. Disgust runs through her chest making the mark feel even more powerful. She pulls her sleeve down to cover it as Hoseok raises his hand to knock on the door decorated with the moon. She finds it odd that he knocked on the moon rather than the sun but this thought becomes fleeting when the door glows a bright white.

As if a mirage had been covering the whole building, the image before them melts away revealing a completely different building beneath it. The bricks no longer look worn and tired of the many ages they have stood there, instead a youthful red blooms through them. The windows look freshly cleaned and doors now look as if they just had been made. Silver and gold now run through the wood corresponding with the sun and moon. Y/n’s heart shifts as she stares at the new appearance of the shop. Instead of excitement, she feels…numb. She feels nothing after witnessing her first real taste of magic. How odd that she used to be excited and giddy when someone even mentioned magic but now her heart feels like a desert, dry of any positive emotion.

The radiant door opens to reveal a small face of someone she doesn’t recognize. Fluffy blonde hair falls over a small forehead and large, chocolate brown eyes sit above a soft round nose followed by plump, pink lips.  Isn’t this where he lives? Why would someone else open the door? Many questions pop into her head but before she could think through them, the person behind the door speaks.

“Can I help you?” A soft tenor voice asks as confused eyes stare at them. The door remains cracked just enough for the man’s head to poke out, shattering any invitation of coming in.

Before either of them could speak, another voice sounds from behind the door. “Who is it, Jimin?” The man at the door turns to whoever was speaking from inside and says something inaudible. A sigh escapes Y/n and a new force blooms inside her chest. She pushes past Jimin and strides into the shop looking for explanations.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? You can’t just walk in here uninvited. I don’t even know how you did that.” The mumbled last sentence goes unnoticed as she enters the building. A man standing in front of a fireplace looks angry but at the same time disturbed. She knows it’s not right to come in uninvited and it probably will only lead to them getting thrown out but she has to get some answers. She at least has to find him.

“I’m here to see Kim Taehyung.” Her voice comes out strong, trying to hide the fear that is slowly devouring her. Hoseok stands behind her as Jimin closes the door. As his name leaves her lips, it’s like the entire room stops breathing. No one dares to make the first move or even make a sound. Determination is set in her eyes and the man at the fireplace can tell that she isn’t leaving without seeing him.

“How do you know that name?” Sparks appear in the man’s eyes when the name is spoken. He places the wood that was in his hands on the hearth and slowly clasps them behind his back. A small flicker of flame licks the man’s arm but quickly disappears behind his back where his hands hide.

“Please. We’re just looking for answers, not a fight.” Hoseok cautiously moves in front of her, shielding her from anything the man might throw at them. Jimin moves out of the corner of her eye but it doesn’t look like he’s putting up defenses.

“Yoongi.” A familiar deep voice calmly sounds off behind the man and the soft glow from the flames fade. He brings his hands back down to his sides and side steps revealing the owner of the commanding voice. Shaggy black hair and a sharp nose as well as the voice are the first things she recognizes. However, instead of excitement like she felt last time, all she feels is a dull anger. Anger? That surprises her. Why anger? It isn’t his fault this all happened. But is is. A voice from deep inside her itches he brain and changes her thoughts.

The man she now knows as Taehyung walks up to the group, studying each person. His eyes linger on Yoongi’s but rapidly meet her’s. His calm manner remains but his eyes say something else, curiosity but also worry.

“How did you find it?” The warmth she once felt when hearing his voice has now turned to ice. A cold bite envelopes her arms and chest, snaking its way to her heart. Instead of answering his question, the only answer she can think of lies on her wrist. She pulls up her sleeve and reveals the blood red signature the witch left behind.

[shawnsorangeglasses]

Peer Pressure

2.2k words

idea and proofreading credit to @rulerofnocountry. this one really put me out of my comfort zone and i thank you for that 💛.

synopsis: Months of sneaking around with his social media manager finally catches up with Shawn when he has to confront her about where they stand

warnings: angssstt, and a smidgen allusion to sex

sorry in advance

…

He wakes up in the middle of the night again. Brian is still snoring in bed on his side of the hotel room. Shawn sits up, rubbing his face, then falls back into his pillow, which is now warm and damp from his sweat. That had to be the worst dream to date. It was the kind you get where you’re not totally asleep, just hallucinating. Everyone he knew had him surrounded, yelling and screaming at him, but no sound came out of their mouths.

Shawn flips his pillow over to the cool side and buries his face, hoping to find some relief. His hand bumps into his phone on the bed sheets so he unlocks it. She still hasn’t texted back.

He knew deep down that this— whatever it is— couldn’t last forever. Somebody would find out and that would be the end of it all. Just picturing what that day will look like, feel like, makes his throat close up. He just has to hope it won’t blow up in his face.

Kristiana came on board the team about six months ago. Andrew introduced her during a press week as the new social media manager. At first, there was nothing but business. The industry could be unforgiving at times and he grew to dislike putting all his cards on the table for introductions. Somehow, Kris broke down those poorly made walls and found herself comfortable in his bubble. And Shawn welcomed it, of course, because why wouldn’t he? She was witty and affectionate and genuinely interested in him. She still is. At least, that’s what she said multiple times in a multitude of ways. Whenever she helped him with fan interactions, joined his now frequent live streams, and reminded him to go dark and take a break from the endless stream of information, life seemed to get easier to cope with. She never changed what he wanted his online presence to be, but rather helped him articulate his personality more. He owed so much of his peace of mind to her. Kris cemented herself as his anchor without even trying.

Needless to say, the level of intimacy has increased since then. Shawn deliberately reserved his doubts about her intentions, though they stayed in the background to some extent. Was she taking advantage of his age or his position? She had her own business going for herself so she didn’t need anything from him. She isn’t all that interested in making a spotlight for herself. And she made him feel so good, and wanted, and— as childish as it sounds— grown up. To let go now, at this point, might hurt too much.

It’s sleepless nights like this that make Shawn wonder if he made the right decision. If everything really was fine, why is there so much weight resting in his chest right now? Why does he feel like no one will understand if they come clean? Why does he feel the need to keep it a secret from everyone, including his family?

He turns on the bedside lamp and looks down at his bare chest. The marks he let her leave behind a few nights ago are starting to fade and heal. She’s certainly good at everything she does. The first time it happened was spontaneous. They were both missing home and only got a little drunk. Not enough to be unaware of the decision to have sex, but definitely enough to let go of their inhibitions. Weeks of pining for her and writing songs no one would ever hear all spilled out of him that evening. It felt right then. And every other time after.

Shawn unlocks his phone again and taps the Instagram icon. Her post happens to be the first thing on his timeline. Every photo of him on her profile looks so innocent and regular at first glance. Only he and Kris know the truth of what happened before that shutter clicked and she made him blush with a whisper. He was guilty of doing the same to her.

But something in him felt sick tonight. He got up and darted into the bathroom, gripping the sink to stop his hands from shaking. The dream was far too clear and vivid to be forgotten so easily. He knows trying to force the images out will only make them stronger, but to just sit in this anxiety, by himself is a nightmare in itself.

The truth is Kristiana had changed. She’s no longer carefree person she was before feelings got involved. Everything became so hush hush and secretive. What used to be fun and off the cuff hanging out turned into calculated sneaking around. It got to the point where she was scheduling the times the rest of the team would fall asleep so she and Shawn could visit each other’s hotel room for a few hours at a time. Although, he enjoyed the effort at first, it started to kill the virtue of their actions. He was losing sleep and had no appropriate explanation. It’s only a matter of time before the work starts to suffer.

A chime from his phone catches his attention. She finally replied.

[meet me in the lobby?]

…

Kris looks tired, but kind of the way a flower looks after being weighed down by the rain. Her hair is wet, twisted into a coil on her right shoulder. She’s biting her nails again, eyes glued to her phone, and he feels his heart soften. No one else is around this time of night except the front desk clerk. It feels like they’re past a nonexistent curfew.

“Kris,” he says quietly. Her head snaps around and she hops to her feet.

“Shawn,” she slides her cell into her pocket. “Hey.”

“Did I wake you?”

She shakes her head. “I never went to sleep.”

Shawn glances at the desk clerk who’s not paying them any mind, but he still worries. It’s a byproduct of sneaking around. “Could we go somewhere else?”

“Yeah sure.” Kris folds her arms over her chest, a thinking habit of hers. “There’s no one by the pool.”

They head for the back of the hotel to the gated outdoor patio. Shawn holds the door for her, taking the opportunity to see if they’ve been followed. He knows they haven’t, but his mind won’t let him rest without checking.

“I know what you’re going to say,” she starts.

“No you don’t, Kris.”

He takes one step towards her, single handedly capturing her in a feverish kiss. She reciprocates with the same vigor, and her fingers snake under his shirt and trace cold lines up his waistline. Her mouth is the only one he’s kissed that seems to melt into his perfectly. A surge of energy courses through Shawn’s body like it always does when he’s skin to skin with Kristiana and he knows this feeling is still very much real. That is until she pushes back, painfully removing his hands from her hips.

“Shawn, that is not what we came down here for. You and I both know that.”

Shawn goes numb from head to toe. It’s just now hitting him that he hadn’t decided on what he wanted to say to her or if he wanted to end it at all. The thought crossed his mind, but only long enough to leave a dull ache in his chest. It’s definitely going to hurt.

“You’ve been different lately,” he admits.

“Yeah well,” she crosses her arms. “What’s life without a little change every once in a while?”

Shawn rolls his eyes. “Change isn’t always good.”

“Change is necessary,”  she reflects.

Shawn’s jaw sets. “I didn’t come down here to argue with you. Neither of us are happy like we used to be. But Kris, I still want to be with you and you’re not going to stand here and tell me you don’t feel something too.”

“I want us to be happy again too, and there’s a simple solution for that.“ She clears her throat. “I thought it over for a long time. I’ve decided to go remote again. For good this time.”

“What?”

“It’s the best move for both of us. Maybe the distance will clear our heads-”

“Kris, that’s not funny.”

“I’m not laughing.”

Shawn paces the width of the pool, wetting his bare feet on the damp concrete. Kris steps out of his way, eyes trained on the ground. When he turns on his heel a third time, she’s briskly wiping her face. She never was one to cry in front of anybody, not even him. She obviously doesn’t want to end this, so she’s trying to make this business and not personal. That was the only part of her he never liked, when Kris shut down.

“You can’t just stand here and pretend like the last five months never happened.”

“I’m not. I already booked a flight for next week,” she finally says.

“Fucking cancel it!”

Kris steps in front of him. “Shawn, you don’t need me here.”

“So that’s it? You’re just gonna bail, after everything we’ve done together?”

“I don’t have a choice!”

“Bullshit. You do this every time it gets too real for you. We’re not in a boardroom meeting, Kris. We’re in a hotel. Standing next to a neon blue pool. Nothing about this is business.”

Her face holds its cold expression in spite of her growing red in her eyes. “I’m still going to be around, just not physically. When you need me, I can make myself available, but it has to be strictly work related. Boundaries have to be set.”

Shawn scoffs. “We’re way past setting boundaries, don’t you think?”

“There’s no use going through all the formalities, so I’ll just cut to the chase.” Kris stands up straighter. “This was a mistake and we’re better off separated. I can pretend it never happened if you can.”

“Stop it,” he says sharply. “I never said I wanted to stop.”

She exhales. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“Kris, I get that you’re scared of what people will say. I do. But, if we just come clean-”

“Shawn, I can’t,” she blurts. “I- I can’t be that person for you.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Kris doesn’t respond. Shawn pulls at his hair. His lungs fill with cool night air. “You don’t want it to be this way. I know you don’t.”

“Well then what do you want, Shawn? Because I can’t stand to watch you fall apart knowing it’s all my fault.”

“I want…” Shawn stops himself short. He has to be honest. “I want to not feel guilty about us anymore.”

“What does that have to do with me?” She tries to sound indignant, but a voice crack takes all the bite out of her words.

“It has everything to do with you, Kristiana. You’re the one that said we had to be under the radar. You’re the one that doesn’t want anyone to know about us. And I’ve tried to be understanding, but how do you think that makes me feel?”

Kris shakes her head. “All the more reason for me to leave. You’ll have room to think when I’m gone. I shouldn’t be in your life if I make you feel so terrible.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he says softly. “Stop twisting it to fit your reasoning. We can just tell everyone the truth!”

“No. We can’t.” Kris finally holds eye contact with Shawn for the first time since they left the lobby. “No one will forgive us for this. Be realistic.”

Her face is puffy and flush from all the tears and it’s almost scary to see her this way, like finding a wounded animal. She’s just as lost and hurt as Shawn is in this moment.

“I’ve booked the flight and I’m leaving,” she says through her broken voice. “My mind has been made up for a while.”

Shawn sits down on a foldable chair, deflated. The shakes were gone by now. Even when she’s being infuriating, she was calming him down.

“Fine. You win.”

“Shawn, please.”

“No, you’re absolutely right, Kris. We’re done.”

She cautiously places a hand on his shoulder and he swears it stings. “You’ll realize later on that this was for the best,” she promises.

“That’s your problem Kris.” Shawn rises to his feet again, rubbing the burning wet from his eyelids. “Always thinking ten steps ahead and forgetting what’s right in front of you. Life isn’t some fucking Instagram post or tweet for you to plan.”

Kris falls silent, marking her end of the discussion. Shawn doesn’t wait around any longer. In about six long strides, he’s back to the hotel entrance. He swipes his card key and pulls the handle. Even though he knows he shouldn’t, he turns around. Kris is stood at the edge of the pool, checking her phone. It’s as if the fight never happened and she’s back to work as usual.

The further away he gets, the harder it gets to breathe. Taking the elevators isn’t an option, should somebody see him in this state and wonder what’s wrong. He ducks into the stairwell and the tear tracks are made before he can reach the first step. Shawn stays there on the frigid tile until the sobs stop coming. He doesn’t want to wake up Brian.

…

taglist:

@rulerofnocountry @sinceweremutual @enchantingbrowneyedgirl @shawnmendes048 @onigirishawn @shawn-youth @nevermindmisha @ashwarren32 @witch-bitch-life

[xopinkmilk18xo]

Get to know me!

1. Name

Courtney Jane Smith

2. Nationality

Australian

3. Age

18

4. Birthday

11th December 2001

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign)

Sagittarius / Ophiuchus

6. Gender

Female

7. Sexuality

Bisexual💙💖💜

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)

Ew I know

9. What do you/did you study?

I will be going on to study Children’s Nursing at University but in school I studied Sociology, Photography and Childcare

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have?

I currently hold a part time job at my local corner shop, but will hopefully end up with a job as a children’s nurse or something to do with childcare:)

-

11. Your birth order

Aaron, Charlotte, Abbey, Me:), Lacey

(I think that is what this means)

12. How many siblings do you have?

4

13. Do you have good relations with your family?

Yes but not with my first oldest sister

14. How many friends do you have?

Like 2 lol

15. Your relationship status

Taken🥰

16. What do you look for in a SO?

Good personality, being good looking helps (dont want to date a troll u know) and well I guess that’s it really

17. Do you have a crush?

Yes on my boyfriend

18. When did you have your first kiss?

When I was 14

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?

Serious and meaningful

20. What are your deal breakers?

I’m not really sure:/

-

21. How was your day?

It was okay, could’ve been better but overall it was meh

22. Favourite food & drink

I love pasta like I could marry pasta haha. And my favourite drink is probably either fresh orange juice or something fizzy

23. What position do you sleep in?

On my side, hugging my pillow with my leg out as if it’s straddling someone (I’m lonely, my boyfriend needs to stay over at some point)

24. What was your last dream about?

I honestly wish I could remember but they are so fucking crazy right now

25. Your fears

Spiders, snakes, heights, large crowds, death (morbid I know) and being lonely:(

26. Your dreams

To travel the world with my baby🥺 as well as buy my own house, get my dream career, get married and have babies (basic I know but this is what I want in life and will feel so lucky and blessed if this happens)

27. Your goals

Same as the above I guess? To travel the world with the loml, become a child nurse, get my dream house then get married, have babies and live a happy long life:)

28. Any pets?

Yes! A cat called Binka and a dog called Shiro (Japanese for White as he is a white Japanese Akita)

29. What are your hobbies?

Cooking, baking, cleaning (weird I know), singing, dancing and sleeping haha

30. Any cool places in your area?

Um, I mean I live about 30 minutes from the beach and it has a “hidden cave” (it’s quite easy to spot if you know where it is) that I go to with a few friends some nights and watch the sunset. So that’s pretty cool

31. What was your last awkward situation?

They happen so often I don’t even know which one to write about I’m such an awkward person lol

32. What is your last regret?

I don’t know really

33. Language/s you can speak

I can speak Italian, Spanish, Russian and some French

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.)

To a certain extent, yes

35. Have any quirks?

Um I’m not sure?

36. Your pet peeves

I have so many but my BIGGEST pet peeve is the people who like to one-up a situation so I have a friend like this but she’s like one of my only friends so I don’t want to say anything woops but for example I could say to her “I only got 5 hours sleep” she would then turn around and be like “oh well I went to bed at 11 and woke up at 3am and couldn’t sleep” it’s like okay cool but stop trying to one up me thank u bye

37. Ideal vacation

DisneyWorld or Bora Bora (two complete different places I know but I’ve been to both many times and they’re both amazing)

38. Any scars?

I have a scar on my chin from when I hit it on the stair rail when I was a child and I have a surgery scar from when I had my appendix removed

39. What does your last text message say?

It’s me texting my email to my boyfriend because he needed it for something (kinda personal nothing bad tho)

40. Last 5 things from your search history

Majority of it right now is me googling Birthday presents for a family member as well as flight times because I was curious what the time from LA to Texas was haha

41. What’s your [device] background?

Lock screen is me and my boyfriend and my home screen is a flower picture I took

42. What do you daydream about?

A lot of different things, it all depends on how I’m feeling

43. Describe your dream home

Something small and quaint yet modern and big enough to raise a big family

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion

I have nothing against religion and what people believe in. I personally am not religious but I do believe in something. Not God or Jesus but I believe that something like that HAS to exists (sorry if I offended anyone I really did not mean to:/)

45. Your personality type

Really shy and quiet (social anxiety tings😚dont worry I have actually been diagnosed) but ince you get to know me I come out of my shell a bit more

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done

Went sky diving (it was terrifying)

47. Are you happy with your current life?

Yes but no

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life

I don’t really know how the hell to answer this question I’m sorry🥺

-

49. What does your wardrobe consist of?

A lot of different colours but I wear mainly grey and black clothes hehe

50. Favourite colour to wear?

Black or grey🤪

51. How would you describe your style?

I don’t really know, definitely not trendy I can tell you that but all the styles I want to try I just KNOW will look bad on me

52. Are you happy with your current looks?

Not really no lol😚✌🏼

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?

I honestly would change my entire face, especially my nose, if it was smaller I’d feel slightly better about my appearance (nothing against big noses lol I just don’t like mine)

54. Any tattoos or piercings?

I had my ears and nose pierced but took them out and just forgot to put them back in and now the holes have sorta closed up.

I then also have a small turtle on my ankle - for a close friend (still alive lol but it’s just a nice thing to have) and I have plans to get a few more just need to decided when I want them because I keep chickening out

55. Do you get complimented often?

Yes sorta but only by my boyfriend

56. Favourite aesthetic?

I’m not sure?

57. A popular trend that you dislike

I’m not really aware of any popular trends as of right now tbh

-

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with?

Adore You by Harry Styles and for some reason Feel so Close by Calvin Harris

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like.

Mr Brightside - I hate the song (dont attack me pls) but it lowkey, high key is a BOP

60. Favourite genre?

Mainly throwback songs so I guess pop songs? Tbh my genre of music is all over the place

61. Favourite artist/band/genre?

I love 5 Seconds of Summer and One Direction but that’s it really

62. Hated popular songs/artists?

I HATE Dance Monkey and High Hopes (they get on my nerves so much idk why)

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5

September - Earth Wind & Fire

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

Jealous - Labrinth

Bad Romance - Halestorm (such a bop)

Break Free - Ariana Grande

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?

I can sing, I also play piano and guitar (strings have broken though and so haven’t played in a while)

65. Do you like karaoke?

I LOVE karaoke

66. Own any albums?

Yes, mainly 5SOS and One Direction haha

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?

Sometimes, no particular station as I only listen to it to fill in the silence in certain situations

-

68. Favourite movie/series?

I love the Frozen films but also the Harry Potter films sooooo much

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc

I don’t really have a favourite tbh

70. Your fictional crush/es

I know it’s typical but I have the biggest crush on Harry Potter lol

71. Which fictional character is you?

I don’t know?

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so

No not really

73. Favourite greek god?

I don’t have a favourite Greek god but I like Athena purely because I like the name haha

74. A legend from where you live that you like

I don’t really know of any legends however there is a myth that a Panther is on the loose in the Blue Mountains

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist?

I like to look at art and admire it however I do not have a favourite artist or anything like that

76. Can you share your other social media?

I sure can:)

Twitter       Instagram      Wattpad

Snapchat - cjmushmush (you don’t have to add it and also don’t question the name I was 11)

77. Favourite youtubers?

Shane Dawson, Ryland Adams, Morgan Adams, Jeffree Star and The Dolan Twins

78. Favourite platform?

I am obsessed with Tik Tok so I’d say that’s probs my fave

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?

Far too much I can tell you that

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite?

I used to play minecraft and now all I do is play Sims 3 and 4 which are my absolute faves

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts)

I don’t really have any

82. Do you play board/card games?

Yes but not very often

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?

No I didn’t even know that was a thing

84. Favourite holiday

I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH❤️💚❤️💚

85. Are you into dramas?

Yes

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one?

I don’t know what a death note is?

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?

I wouldn’t choose world peace because then everything would be the same and it would be boring but if I had the power I would make sure everyone had a stable home with at least hot clean water and a nice warm bed, as well as curing world hunger because I’m nice like that

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?

Probably not

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?

A ghost

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?

Become a ghost haha

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?

Anything but Courtney - my name was almost Octavia so that would also be out of the question

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?

So many people I’d love to do this with so I’m not sure

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo

🦥 (only because I love sloths)

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true

(these are the most random things I’m sorry)

I was born in the UK (not true, born in Sydney)

I am not single (True, I am in a relationship:))

I love avocado (I actually DESPISE IT)

-

95. Cold or hot?

Cold because that can = snuggles duh

96. Be a hero or be a villain?

Be a villain because I hate the attention (hero would probs get a lot of attention) and everyone hates me anyway lol

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?

Probably sing everything considering I do that a lot anyway

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?

Control time because I’d go back to the past a change some things then go back to today so I can still be with my boyfriend❤️

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?

Be immortal that would be pretty fun

100. ….. or …..?

What does this one even mean?

[wordsbydorothy]

             Alyssa didn’t expect to find herself at a whole in the wall bar at 11am on a Thursday evening. She ordered a whiskey sour, feeling the music playing through the speakers coursing through her veins. Fight, just to fuck just to fight again. There was something about Jessie Reyez raspy voice that usually made her want to fuck shit up, but this morning it just made her feel empty.

Contrary to her melancholy persona, Alyssa’s life wasn’t as terrible as she made it seem. She had a stable job that mostly paid the bills, a decent apartment and a functioning car. She wouldn’t say she was happily single, but she found a distinct pleasure in kicking strangers out her bed at 3am, something she couldn’t do when she lived with her mom. Her mom was the kind that lived to control your every move. She couldn’t go out past 8pm, she couldn’t go to parties that had boys and she sure as hell couldn’t sleep over by anyone. Add that to a severe amount of unrealistic expectations, the kind parents placed on their kids when they didn’t live out all their childhood dreams, and it equaled a distinct hatred for herself and the roof she lived under before she turned fourteen.

You could call it teen angst or pre-teen angst or even blame it on the raging hormones; but in the midst of all of that self-hatred, at such a young age, she knew she wanted the freedom to love whoever she wanted, whenever she wanted without anyone judging her. At seventeen she hid her first boyfriend, Chris, from her mom. They met at church. It was the only place her mom trusted her to go without supervision, but after all those years, she didn’t quite find herself religious. She believed there was a God. She just wasn’t sure where she stood on everything else.

Every Friday her mom would drop her off at youth group where despite her mom asking people to keep an eye on her; she and Chris would sneak off during praise and worship, to make out in the church nursery. To some extent, she felt a tinge of guilt knowing she had most of her firsts in a church, but it was the big first that she didn’t see until she got to college – and it was terrible. It was grimy bed sheets, drunk kissing and sweat, shortly followed by a raging UTI. The kind she was sure her mother asked God to smite her with because she could sense that her child was in college being the person she prayed she wouldn’t turn into.

But, it wasn’t her childhood trauma or her mother that had her drinking at 11am on a Thursday – it was the church boy, Chris.

Alyssa had turned the lock on her gate when she saw a figure on her steps. Her hand gripped her pepper spray as she stared at the stranger, but her body relaxed before her mind could process that she knew the man sitting there. She stared for a moment, the tattoo that snaked up his right arm confirming that it was indeed him. His locks had grown. When they were together he had just started to grow them out. Now, the curled slightly at midback the color shifting from a dark brown to light at the ends. She paused for a moment, then pulled her key out and went back inside.

She paced, dropping her keys on the kitchen table. Her cat Mimsy rubbed against her leg, as if she could sense her anxiety, her agitation. She didn’t know what he was doing there. They hadn’t seen each other since the last time he visited almost four years ago. She never expected to see him again, and she was okay with that, until now. It almost felt like another one of those fateful prayers from her mother.

Ten years ago in an empty movie theater, she told him he loved her. He didn’t say it back. The next day when she texted him, she only got silence. He avoided her. There was no I’m sorry, we’re done. He just disappeared. Then, four years ago they ran into each other at Music Midtown in Atlanta. She wanted to be angry, but instead they caught up, enjoyed music together, ate at a grimy restaurant at two in the morning and talked about everything that went wrong. He apologized and she forgave him. After all, he, like the church walls has seen all of her and then some. They made love in her hotel room. At least, she thought they did. When she woke up in the morning he was gone, and she felt like she was nothing but a one-night stand, another notch in his belt. Again, he left with no word and this time, she vowed to forget him. But she couldn’t. He wasn’t someone she could just forget.

A lot had changed in the four years since she last saw him. Back then, she kept her hair in braids, too afraid to show the world who she was underneath the layers of makeup and extensions. Her auburn curls, now loose and untamed framed her face. Her dark freckles seemed more prominent against her olive skin with the change of hair color. She paused, splashed water on her face then walked out the door again.

He was still there.

A part of her hoped he would have left, but there he was.

“I didn’t think you’d come back out,” he said. His voice startled her. She forgot the way the clarity in his throaty voice made her feel, the way it sounded when he’d lower it an octave or two, the things it did to her. She pulled herself out of her reverie before she went too far.

“Me either,” she said.

He shifted, making room for her to sit next to him. She stared at the empty space for a moment, curiosity guiding her down the stairs next to him. They sat there for a moment in silence.

“I-” she started at the same time he did.

“You first,” he said.

She shook her head. “No, you go.”

She pressed her back against the rail, forcing herself to look at him. His jawline tightened, the way it did when he was trying to say something he didn’t know how to say. His deep brown eyes looked up at her and she inhaled sharply, looking away.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Then again, louder. “I’m sorry.”

She wanted to ask for what, but she could see on his face that he was getting there. The crisp air reminded her that Atlanta winter was coming. The leaves had fallen off the trees and dog walkers’ sweaters were thicker than usual. She shivered, not from the cold, but from fear of what came next.

“I shouldn’t have left that night,” he said.

“But you did,” she snapped. “Sorry, I-”

“No, you’re okay,” his voice lowered. Goosebumps popped up on her legs. “I deserve that, I deserve all your anger.”

“Why’d you leave?” she whispered, hugging her knees.

“I couldn’t, I saw you there, I -,” he stammered. “Seeing you curled up next to me like that scared me. I knew that if I woke up that morning next to you… I’d-”

“Don’t,” she looked up at him. “Don’t do that.”

Their eyes met. He was confused.

“You used a version of that excuse 10 years ago after I told you I loved you,” Alyssa felt heat rising to her face. “And then again, the day before I woke up to an empty bed, so no, you don’t get to do that to me, not again.”

“That wasn’t, please, let me explain,” he turned to face her, but she couldn’t do this. She reached to grab her keys when his hand touched her thigh and the world around her paused. It was like her stomach was caving in on itself, as if, for a moment she forgot how to breathe. Her mind drew a blank, her throat, tightened and coiled like a rope, suffocating her.

“Please,” he rasped.

She turned to face him again, but his hand never left her thigh. He talked but she heard nothing. The last time she felt his touch was the only thing her mind could process. She found herself aching to kiss him in that moment. To remind herself what it felt like to be with him. She snapped back, realizing he had stopped talking and was staring at her. He reached towards her, but she pulled back in shock, then let him. She leaned into his touch, only to feel a distinct ache when he pulled away, water glimmering on his fingers. She stared at her tears clinging to his finger for a moment, then grabbed her keys and walked away, wiping the rest from her eyes.

“Alyssa,” he called out. But she kept walking until she found the bar on Peachtree.

__________________________

It was 4pm when the bartender asked her if she wanted him to order something for her from the burger joint next door. She nodded. When the food came, she picked at it. He placed a water in front of her and left her to her own thoughts again. The music had changed from Top Hits to a mellow, alternative R&B. Alyssa found herself wondering what would have happened had she stayed, if she had listened to his apology. She always wondered what life with him would have been like, but the thought left her head as the bell signaling another customer walked in went off. It was the only thing keeping her from letting her thoughts consume her.

She didn’t look up when she felt someone sit next to her at the bar, they’d move eventually. The bartender came over and asked for their order, sliding another glass of water next to her untouched cup.

“Whiskey neat,” the voice said. She looked up then, Chris’ dark eyes staring back at her. She found herself overwhelmed for a moment. Then, she pulled her hair tie off her wrist, pulling her hair out of her face into a bun on top of her head.

“Two,” she said, praying to God that he wouldn’t shatter her once more.

- Learning to Pray x Dorothy

[chronicsyd]

You Wanted It the WHOLE Time!

So I’ve seen a lot of theories floating around about Virgil and Deceit (+ making a mini one of my own) but something that I wanted to look back on was the video after watching the whole thing through.

Because at the end Deceit says two things,

“Like I said, “Everything has a purpose.”  And you’re denying yours.”

“STOP STALLING AND ADMIT IT! What AM I doing here right now Thomas? Am I the snake come to trick you into sinning? Or have you had your mind made up since the MOMENT you received the news about the callback?”

 And looking back over the video you can tell that Thomas (and Roman) had their minds made up from the very get go. Of course there’s the whole “Deceit needs to step up his game” and all that stuff but where this whole thing starts for me is when Deceit says the call should be higher than a social engagement.

And then the camera shows Roman 

Who looks like he’s doubting himself and what seems to be “right” (well what morality says is right. I’ll get to the decision later on)

And then Deceit asks Thomas point blank, “Do you want the part in the movie or not?” 

This gets a surprised look out of both Roman and Thomas 

Because if there’s anything that we’ve seen with the series is that there’s quite a bit of beating around the bush when it comes to the problem at hand. And Thomas has never been in a situation where the question has been asked in his face.

Because of this he looks over at Roman, unsure of what to say. 

To which Deceit asks again,

“Do you want the part or not?” 

Because the question he’s asking is actually not that hard. It’s a yes or no question, simple as that.

Thomas still looks unsure but Roman immediately answers on Thomas’s behalf saying “of course he does.” Because Roman knows that Thomas does and Deceit knows it as well.

To which Patton seems surprised that Roman would say something like that because we all know how much Thomas cares for his friends and yea has put their needs above his own. (I mean that was like episode 4 of the series or something?) And he says that Thomas has already made a commitment and that Thomas wouldn’t even THINK about not going.

To which, Thomas gives Patton this look, 

Which should be just confirmation to Deceit at this point of not wanting to go. Thomas wants SO BAD to believe that Patton is right and he wants to support his friends. But he knows that that’s NOT true. And Deceit knows that that’s not true.

Because after Patton makes a big speech about how wrong it would be to miss it Thomas’s “yea…” is about as confident as me taking a Spanish test. Because Deceit smirks right after that. 

He knows he’s right from the get go. And it’s only a matter of getting the other sides (and Thomas) to realize this face on. (is that how that should be worded? Whatever, just roll with it) And then there’s the whole “I don’t know anything about words” yadda yadda.

And then Romans counter argument of things… “coming up” and if I were to be honest, I’m sure that Thomas’s friends would be totally understanding of a once in a lifetime opportunity that will most likely never happen again.

To which Virgil asks if he REALLY is siding with Deceit on the argument. And Roman asks is Virgil is so “closed minded” that he can’t reason with someone just because he doesn’t like them? And while I do have an entire thought on the matter, I think that Virgil is just trying to get Deceit to leave and the fact that Roman is agreeing with him is just agitating for Virgil.

Moving on, Thomas starts voicing his “I’d rather go to the callback” but it’s more of a question because he’s unsure of how the others will take it. And Patton is immediately freaking out because Thomas is thinking about it and he says that “he wouldn’t be here if Thomas actually meant what he is saying.”

Well… that is true to an extent but I think that we should keep in mind here that morality is here because of the conflicting dates and really nothing more than that. Because Thomas starts his “of course you’re right you’re my heart and I know this is wrong” spiel. But Deceit realizes that he is also here and that has to mean SOMETHING because if Thomas really HAD made up his mind than the video would have been over in 5 minutes with little to no conflict.

And Deceit now realizes that he has to PROVE his point to the others so he sends them to the mind palace in a legal setting because… why not this is Thomas’s mind after all. 

Thomas… kinda being slow on the uptake is confused as to what’s going on so Patton explains that “Deceit’s trying to prove that Thomas cares more about himself than others.” And once AGAIN Thomas looks unsure of himself. Wondering if he should be siding with Patton in all this. 

Alright I’m gonna skip ahead a bit because there’s mostly tom foolery until this next part.

Patton says with the absolute confidence that Thomas is “Not Guilty” and Thomas is very hesitant about this. And Deceit says that Thomas has the confidence of someone who has been caught with their hand in the cookie jar, in a cookie factory, his pants on the ground, and they’re on fire. (btw can someone please draw that I’d LOVE to see it!)

And skipping again,

“I am rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off to me and sticks to you. That is all.”

Actually that has nothing to do with anything I just thought that was REALLY funny!

So Deceit’s first witness is Logan because it’s never a full SS video without him. And something I find interesting here is that Deceit thinks that Logan will be on his side no questions asked because he knows Logan’s feelings towards Thomas and his friends. And when Logan says that Thomas has more to lose missing the wedding Deceit is surprised. But after asking what Logan alone thinks, it’s the callback that’s more important.

Now after Patton’s rather… pathetic bribery to Logan Virgil tries to step in for Patton saying the court thing is rigged to which Deceit replies, “It takes a liar, to know a liar.” While looking from Virgil to Thomas. And Virgil just looks at Deceit with more confusion than anything else. Basically he’s calling the both of them liars but right now I’m focusing on the Thomas thing.

And you can see Virgil getting more irritated with Deceit not letting Patton go because I really think that Virgil didn’t think that Patton could pull this off from the get go. And as it’s seen that Patton CLEARLY isn’t going to win this, his anxiety goes up and hides in his hoodie.

Ok skipping again,

Deceit gets to Roman and we already know how Roman feels about this thing. And you can tell he’s trying his best to defend Patton, Thomas, Mary-lee, and Lee. Buuuuttt things aren’t really working out that way. And Deceit actually makes the good argument of “putting others wants over our own.” (Which again Thomas and Patton went over but I digress)

Ssssssssssssssuck up!

And now we have Patton questioning Deceit. The uhh “big guns” of this whole court room scenario if you will. And Thomas looks upon Patton with concern/worry,

And I just think this is because Patton doesn’t have any questions that Deceit won’t have an acceptable answer for but all those answers will put Patton’s argument down the toilet. And then we get through the whole “Society is a lie” philosoohy lesson with Deceit. And the Max Stirner thing which ohhh….

Now Deceit starts questioning Thomas and is point blank calling him out again “you don’t want to go to the wedding at all do you?”

And Thomas starts grasping at straws trying to sound like a good friend but he’s lost this battle at this point. Which Deceit shoots back with “Roman wants me to win” which in it of itself could sound like Deceit grasping at straws but from Romans reaction and Deceit’s quote, “Like I said, “Everything has a purpose.”  And you’re denying yours.” He knows that this is what Roman wants for Thomas and he’s been battling Patton and Virgil this entire episode.

And then he gets to the end of his rope, “STOP STALLING AND ADMIT IT! What AM I doing here right now Thomas? Am I the snake come to trick you into sinning? Or have you had your mind made up since the MOMENT you received the news about the callback? You didn’t even forget about the wedding did you? It was all an act-’’

And here is where Thomas snaps, finally being called out on his true desires. “FINE I WANNA GO TO THE CALLBACK!”

And Patton is of course surprised by this outburst by Thomas. Not thinking that Thomas would be “selfish” and put his needs above his friends,

And they all know that Thomas is guilty and Roman sentences him to the wedding which was the WRONG move. Thanks Roman. And his argument is “he wouldn’t dream of attaining his dreams through deceitful means” (I’m about to get into a tangent about this if I don’t stop myself so I’ll just move on.)

And Deceit believes that Thomas is still missing the point of what Deceit is trying to say. And he’s going about several different methods of trying to get the message across in a way that the others will understand. But he can never really get what he wants to say out because the others are like “get out”.

So with that, Deceit leaves Thomas with one final message. “I’ll always be a part of you.”

(Btw, I want Deceit merch.) 

(WHOOO this was long! And painful! And wow! I definitely have more thoughts about this episode but those will have to be for a later post. Bu-bye!)

[airlunee]

ok so, you’ve watched “am I a bad person?” and now you’re here,

decit, virgil, logan, roman, and patton all seem confused and jumbled but how will they get out of their latest predicament?

decits logo, double snake heads, we know from color theory that yellow is commonly assossiated with cowardice and deception, cowardice being a likely candidate for another “dark side” as roman dubbed them and most likely romans flip side as roman symbolises within the sanders sides world, bravery, honesty and creativity.

we also know, two of anything is commonly seen as a pair in archetypal theory, think yin and yang or any two differentiating powers so it is possible that decit could have an internal struggle that we will see played out because of his affiliation to thomas and we know based on current storyline patterns that it is most likely going to happen where we will see decits character arc as thomas likes to keep characters from being flat characters within this world he has created, snakes in archetypal theory also mean deception, trickery, which is what decits main function is, however since we know all of the sides are not just their main funtion, (think logan- logic, language, punctuality, right arm) this is unlikely all decit is, it will be curious to see what his underlying traits of thomas’s personality are

virgil’s tie is expertly made and great addition to the episode it shocked me however, we know virgil sanders is thomas’s anxiety, fears, and we are not yet sure what body part if any he controls, current evidence points toward a leg, however, virgil’s look consists of purple and black, both have most commonly been connected to color theory as symbolizing mystery, and while purple also symbolizes ambition and power, black symbolizes depression, and evil. if we learned anything from virgil’s redemption arc in accepting anxiety part 1 and part 2 it’s that virgil puts up his front in order to keep the other sides guard up because he something along the lines of “the best way to keep someone’s guard up is to the thing they fear” however we also learned that virgil’s presence wasn’t necessarily a bad one and quite frankly he has grown from the villain to the fanders friendly neighborhood smol emo bean, however in this episode he seems to take on the role roman took in accepting anxiety part 1, ever resolute in his perception of him, and while yes he is anxiety so this is expected of him, I do not believe we have seen virgil this visibly shaken and or upset for this long ever, from the end card in the video “EMBARASSING PHASES: The nightmare instead of christmas!” we can almost feel through the screen the tension between virgil and decit and we can reasonably argue it is clear these two have a history as he says “me being able to illicit fear? doesn’t take away from the fact that i’ve grown” the last two words make it evident that they have a history (it is also quite likely that he is in fact in slytherin if we go from these facts even though he did not place himself within a hogwarts house) virgil’s symbol is a greyish storm cloud with a purple lightning bolt coming down we can effectively prove that rain has a calming affect on people’s mental states and we also know the light purple used for the lightning bolt is commonly used to calm people down when they have anxiety or general stres and or panic

logan, arguably the most textbook knowledgeable of the sides, we have not seen much from his especially as of recent, but we know from the episode “learning new things about ourselves” he does not like it when he is not heard (see the index incident) now logan’s tie is blue, black and gray, his shirt is also black however logan’s style seems different to virgil’s, logan utilizes the black as a sophistication tactic as to appear more knowledgeable because people think you are more intelligent the better you dress. (as can be proven through pshycology, and possible tangents into biology) from color theory we know blue is a calming, relaxing color, logan most likely knows this and utilized blue in his wardrobe because of this fact and uses the gray to bring it all tightened reguardless that gray is associated with numbness, or is it? logan has previously stated on multiple occasions that he does not feel emotion yet we have seen examples of logan angry and feeling human things (think back to the index incident) so it is most likely that logan’s character arc will be him learning to accept emotion into his monotonous everyday routine and possibly even embrace it, logan’s symbols being a black outlines brain with glasses seems to wrap him up well and the concoction of black and white symbolize opposing power like yin and yang or balance, per say, and the glasses which have been shows to make people appear both smarter and more attractive wrap him up well

roman, the prince of thomas’s dreams and imagination, he is dramatic, theatrical and very very loud, he consistently wears a red sash with gold somewhere on him, we know within color theory red is connected to blood, romance, passion, and gold symbolizes, fortune and luck as well as princeys signature white suit/robe which could be translated quite literally as innocence, beauty, and hope, as we found out in the newest episode, “am I a bad person?” while roman does want thomas to achieve his dreams to the fullest extent he took what he learned from the episode “exploring nostalgia” and utilized that what’s best for thomas and best for the world can be two different concepts worlds apart, it is likely that romans character arc will be the last of the light sides we see as he is currently in a rather static position while logan is taking more of the forefront of him and roman, romans symbol is a crest of his hogwarts house which i feel in turn can speak for itself as we all know what it symbolizes, bravery, chivalry, recklessness, and a possible certain disregard for the rules

patton, the heart, the emotions, and generally the soul of what makes thomas who he is (empathy and emotion wise that is) he wears light blue which is a calming and happy color as well as a cat onzie or cardigan, we have seen his redemption arc though he continues to inevitably seem lost as he does represent thomas’s heart and is a hufflepuff, which represents, impartiality, loyalty, and hardwork he is constantly struggling to not be left behind and confused but he is lovable his symbol is a light blue heart with glasses which can be translated as his calming affection for others or exhubersting affection really it depends on the person but yet he is smart he just doesn’t show it the way logan does with big words and quoting well known philosophers

i love all of the sanders sides but sadly have no affiliation to thomas sanders or any of his writers this is an in-depth analyzation of the five characters so far as we have met, I love all of them and while i have had problems with deception in the past so i may have a slight bias against decit I do still try to remain impartial in the name of science and kindness toward others

[queermycelium]

I HAVE A HOT TAKE ON DECEIT THAT I HAVE SEEN NO ONE HAVE YET.

I’ve seen a lot of people say that they think his new symbol, the two headed snake, means he is “Two-Faced”. While this could fit his character, something about it doesn’t fully seem right to me. Yeah, maybe he is two-faced, but during this episode he shows something more than that, and that’s what I want to talk about today.  

Alright this one might be long and is SUPER spoiler filled so its going under the cut. This comes from discord where I went on a 2am rant about how Deceit acts and my thoughts on him as a character.

Here's the thing. So every side has more to them then the title right? Patton is the moral compass and heart, but he's also the kindness and childlike spirit and part that sees the good in everything and he's not truth? He's not 100% right or good, he's just positive emotions and the goodness in Thomas. And as we were shown in that episode, that can go really wrong. He ignored the true feelings Thomas had and refused to get past his image of Thomas as a perfect, pure man who only lives to care for others and make them feel happy. That might be a bit exaggerated, but that’s how he acted in that video. 

Logan is the brain, the thought process, pure logic, the intelligence, the thing running the inner systems, the inner clock, etc. He's not necessarily good either, he's proved that too. His purpose is deciding what is more important for Thomas to focus on and do, which can be a huge problem if what he decides is more important starts to wear him down mentally or cause him to feel negatively about himself. 

Roman is the creative energy, the actor, the singer, the passionate and loud voice inside Thomas. He's the hopes and dreams and interests. He's the impulsiveness and the ego and the self-centered thoughts and that can be a huge issue and it's why he conflicts so much with Logan is because dreams and hopes and wishes aren't always practical and can cause severe mental and physical harm. Roman is not entirely good himself and has been a HUGE issue a lot in the past and as many have pointed out, he is the one of the main sides that actually aligns best with Dee because of the deception, the trickery, the drive to succeed, etc etc like let's be real, Roman is honestly a fucking MODEL SLYTHERIN. He has the perfect traits of a Slytherin.

Virgil is anxiety but like there's been a whole goddamn episode diving into that. He's not just anxiety, he's the fight or flight response. He keeps certain things in check and while he's not always well informed with why he's scared, he does his best to keep Thomas safe. That's why he actually DOES work well with Logan and has some minor issues with Roman is because his fear and worry often can be justified with Logan's knowledge and thought process. He's an early warning system in a way.

Deceit is shown in the episode as having the capability to tell the truth. As having some morals of his own. He acts absolutely horrified at the thought of violence, hates nazis, and actually he seems to have very "fuck society" feelings and anarchist beliefs. So my hot take is he's not just lies, he's rebellion. And he's the part concerned most with the personal health, safety, and well being of Thomas. He's the survival instinct. Hes sarcasm. Not all of his traits are bad. He spent a whole video trying to help Thomas admit that he's not perfect and trying to get him to stop being so self sacrificing and do what is important to his own life. But beyond that, Dee knows the truth about everything. He fully understands the truth behind everything everyone does. He knows about Virgil's secrets. He knows why Patton was being defensive, he seems to know that Logan does have an emotional side. He knew before anyone else that Thomas had an inner turmoil about the wedding and the callback and no one can hide that from him. Therefore I think the two heads are supposed to mean more than "two-faced" and could instead mean he has two aspects of himself, he's not a one dimensional evil being, he has valid emotions and feelings of his own. And- thank you to @mandatory-brunchmeeting for this addition to the idea: It could have to do with giving a second choice or a second opinion. Here’s the thing: He may be deceit but he's also truth. He is duality. He's the knowledge of Thomas's deepest secrets and hidden emotions. And that's why he will always be a part of Thomas, because no matter what anyone does, he's always there to some extent. He's present in every choice Thomas makes. Every thought in his brain. Every situation in his life. And while information, passions, fears, and a moral compass do hold a lot of sway, you cannot deny that under all of that is Dee holding the truth of the situation. In fact that's probably why the point was made of Patron saying he doesn't know anything, he doesn't have the truth. Because the one who holds the truth is Dee. 

That being said, yes he is a stinky snake man and isn’t a perfect angel. But honestly are any of them? How boring would it be if they were? But Deceit is an extremely important aspect of the sides and I honestly hope that he gets developed more into having an official name and more of a voice in the future.

[sidpah]

No Time Like the Present

Orange light fills the horizon as I collapse, having fought against these rigid bars for nearly an hour, the way I do, on and off every day, as I have for weeks, and having found it, as I do every day, utterly hopeless, I now lean against those same bars for support...

Stuck in a cage made for a man half my size, vomiting from dysentery… This island is not very large, but I could be lost here for life, short as it may now be… I could easily become one of the growing statistics who vanish without a trace…

I’ve been privy to much worse than the torments of agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, or the occasional psychotic episode, (worse even than the Judge’s vile display, in fact,) while in the care of these mercenaries… Endless black-hooded torture routines perpetrated in the name of peace and safety… I realize in this, at least, the incredible strength of empathy… Young man, stripped naked by clean green fatigues looking out of place in these stark walls, blood streaks and thick black snakes of dried shit smearing the floor… Rough pockmarks in those walls matching the deep acne-cratered skin on the face of the soldier clamping tight the young man’s wrists. Fingers sunk deep in a can of congealed bacon fat saved from dozens of high lipid breakfasts, another uniformed sociopath lubricates the shaft of a long thin light bulb… The metal end has been delicately removed and the tube filled with tanturi, a traditional thick habanera sauce that locals pour on everything… Black electrical tape seals the vial closed… A woman, short blond hair, a sick puppy-throwing smirk on her face, spreads the prisoner’s cheeks wide, one hand separating pale pillow of flesh, a few feeble hairs in tight anxious spirals, his puckered sphincter exposed and cold and significantly hairier than the surrounding skin; the woman, the mercenary, the soldier, the callous subhuman thing, inserts the lubricated capsaicin-filled bulb deep into the victim. The pleasure she takes in this is a clear indication that she’s conquering an old demon with his grinning mask hung over her own… Bulb fully submersed, they leave the poor captive to his own devices… The mercenaries pretend to retreat, but I know they’re rushing to grab a seat, their asses full of nothing volatile or corrosive, to watch through a two-way mirror built into the far wall as the young prisoner’s face betrays every panicked, agonized, miserable thought in his thoroughly distraught mind. He remains standing, hunched over, not sure what, if anything, to do… His hands are bound tightly in front of his exposed crotch. The bulb is completely sunk inside his body, so retrieval is an obvious impossibility… The crux is that if he sits or makes too sudden a movement, decisive or otherwise, even to the extent of attempting to squeeze out the foreign object, the bulb will shatter and not only shred, but acid-burn his colon in what could only be some of the most ferocious pain imaginable… I imagined. Thinking about his predicament made my ass hurt. I felt it. I felt all that he must’ve been going through… And I realized in this way, that if I choose to picture happy, content, enlightened people, I could perhaps empathize my way to liberation, or at least to a relative semblance of peace… And I now wish I could’ve shared that wisdom with him… Sometimes the price of discovery is quite steep…  

 Footsteps are approaching. I close my eyes already knowing it’ll be that tiny man in black uniform bearing a plate of something so foul I’d rather eat my own diseased diarrhea than one putrid spoonful… A bony hand on my shoulder… fingers long, each knuckle protruding from skin… I open my eyes, eased by his touch… the Healer… His mask removed, a thin blue flame tattooed from his collarbone to a white flicker just beneath his left eyelid… His is a face that could’ve been forged of clay or mortar – no lips, but a place where all features seem to be pulled cascading into a rough gorge of mouth – Grains of sand imbedded in his pores… He sits just outside my cage. In his lap he holds a frail and ancient book… I feel a little better already…

The dry brown page flips with a crisp dignity befitting its age… I look closely at the words written in an unfamiliar script.

“Truth is a Stone,” it says. “He who carries the Stones of Truth aside his triple heart, shall be forever protected, and safe from mortal injury or curse.”

“It no longer tells me anything of value…” echoes through the tiny bones in my ear… Invaders have a way of diluting even the most potent spiritual powers… “I look out upon my people, as they look to me for answers I wish I had…”

Beautiful shapes flicker against palm fronds… He gestures to them…                  

“Reflections of our burning shadows… The malicious winds scatter our ashes, scorching our sacrificial fields… Corn a distant taste in our abscess mouths… Above, the unlined cloud spins its shiny fragile web, making sure every seed has been thoroughly drowned. I would say a prayer for my village, but these barren lands cannot be so easily healed...”

“Have you tried building an army?” I ask.

“As family, we held our ground as best we could against the torrent’s unyielding wail. We even attempted that ancient art of reconciliation… one that was a hallmark of our culture… But their new laws are drafted in oppressed blood, greed of jewels, influence and slow arson fire. Unlike so many, we won’t be tranquilized with their weak dollars and denial…”

I hang my head, shaking it lightly side to side, understanding I have nothing meaningful to say. The motion makes me suddenly seasick. I turn and add a new contribution to the growing puddle of murky fluids beneath me.

“I don’t know who it was who strung gold medallions around their commandant’s necks or what made them feel worthy of our reverence and devotion… standing on our strong backs to reach the highest leaves, while trampling our faces into the mud… They have taken everything… our crops, our treasure, our land, our hope and our gods… Beneath their uniforms, suits, tailored shirts, they learned to hide their unseemly sores, exchanging the humble soul of man for the pride of a philanthropist. These are the gods of our new world… and I spit at every one of them…”

I’m not sure whether he’s finished his thought because before any silence can arise, a soldier rushes up behind him, that black uniform blending in with everything, and bends down to grapple him around his neck. But the soldier never makes it that close. The Healer twists his own neck around with such a sharp snap that my spine aches in sympathy, and flashes a disastrous stare over his right shoulder. The soldier freezes with one foot off the ground and one hand on his rifle… The upper half of his body torques to the right, revolving around his anchored right leg. The soft hollow below the soldier’s ribs lines up above the gun’s muzzle, its stock butted against the ground… and with a blink that I’m not sure his victim has time to register, the Healer sends the man falling in a graceful pirouette that impales him on the barrel of his own rifle. When he turns back to me, there is a sad kindness in his eyes… He acts out of need… He does not enjoy harming others…

I promise to help, whatever help I could be… But first, he must set me free… And help me reclaim the attaché… He nods agreeably. I’ll lead a naïve cabal, I promise him, rending the bricks and smokescreens from the industrialist’s final solution to the rest of Mara’s filthy tricks – (Social activism as a way to purify national karma?) I feel strong and righteous because I know that one incendiary heart is enough to disrupt the status quo; and that a martyr is just an obedient scapegoat for true rebels who know how to band together… How to dismantle the system from within its own walls… There must first be cool awareness of facts to neutralize their malignant deceptions and to stifle the allure of temptation impulse buys from all the coal-black-suited devils who continue to poison the water in this thirsting Promised Land. Who taint all the unsown dreams that burn our palms already blistered from years of fruitless toil...

A flash of spark from his callused palm against the bamboo cage… The feculent slosh around me churns, boiling up with ungodly stench… I can only crawl, but as he lays his hand against my shoulder, my strength begins to return…

We are sailing inches above the ground through a small oasis… Date palms keel over as he passes beneath them, Sun-dried fruit raining down on us like fat cockroaches…  

[flawsinourcxdexarchived-blog]

Human AU -- Revised

I’ve done quite a bit on this AU, but there are some things I need to fix, and a muse I need to add, so things will be switched around. Please keep in mind that the Human AU is not the Reverse AU. It’s simply an AU where Connor, Corwin and Cassius are all human beings from the beginning, and are human in other various AUs unless stated otherwise. I’ll put it under a read more, but I would greatly appreciate it if you could give this a read.

                                           The Stern Twins

Connor and Corwin are fraternal twins, as Corwin’s eyes are bright green and he has a birthmark at the small of his back in a small patch of skin that is ghostly white. He likes to joke that he was stabbed in the back in a past life as a way to explain the birthmark. Otherwise, they are identical in every way.

Both of the brothers have Asperger’s Syndrome. Both of them were punished by Amanda if their behavioral tics became a nuisance, and thus neither of them have healthy outlets. 

They were adopted by Amanda Stern by the age of four, after their parents died in a car accident. The adoption was closed and sealed, keeping them from learning of other biological family members like their cousin Cassius.

Amanda was still an emotionally and mentally abusive parent, manipulating the twins for most of their lives, and becoming distant and neglectful as a “punishment” for their “bad” behavior. As a result, Connor developed an introverted and eager to please personality, wanting to try and appease as many people as possible, and constantly apologizing for “messing up”, even in situations he wasn’t involved in, whereas Corwin became aggressive and angry, turning to drugs and alcohol as a way to rebel against Amanda.

                                                         Connor

Introverted but friendly. Tries to make peace with most everyone he meets as a way to try and negate any tension in the future faster. 

Impulsive but incredibly clumsy. Usually littered with bruises he doesn’t remember getting. Not everyone in the DPD thinks he should have even lasted a week in the police academy, much less graduated, as he once knocked himself unconscious during a gun training exercise when the kickback of the weapon hit him in the forehead.

Has an oral fixation as an outlet for his Asperger’s, and constantly needs something in his mouth, especially in moments of high stress. Keeps a huge assortment of blue flavored lollipops in his drawer, but when he runs out he turns to smoking cigarettes or chewing on pens. 

A bit socially awkward, having not a lot of chances to make friends during his school years, as most people thought he was odd or spacey. Corwin is one of the few people he can turn to as a friend, seeing as they’re family, and it’s Corwin he feels the safest to be himself around.

Is very picky about his own appearance. Always wants to look his best. His desk at the DPD is always neatly arranged, and he becomes a bit agitated when someone -- usually Gavin Reed -- messes things up.

Tries keeping a planner, but loses it every other week. Has resorted to using sticky notes, a habit he picked up from Hank Anderson, his partner.

Is in deep denial over his toxic relationship with Amanda. Considers her a good mother, but strict and a bit distant, though he chalks it up to her always being busy helping to run the corporation she works for. Subconsciously, he knows her abuse, and he knows that it’s wrong, but he doesn’t want to face it.

Suffers also from anxiety, and when incredibly stressed out, Connor suffers from anxiety attacks. Has frequent nightmares, but doesn’t like to discuss them.

Is deep in the closet about his attraction towards men, though he is capable of being attracted to women. But his main interest is in men, and while he isn’t sure why, he’s able to at least admit he knows a good looking man if he sees one. (Has a bit of a crush on Hank, tries to keep it smothered.)

Joining the police academy was his first real rebellion against Amanda, as she wanted to make him work an office job, or join her corporation to keep the Stern name as a legacy. It’s the first sign that he’s trying to break free from her hold, though it’s going to take a while.

Loves dogs to the point that, if given the chance, would adopt every single stray he comes across. As it is, he contents himself with volunteering with an animal rescue group and shelter, and he even adopted a brown and white pittbull he named Delilah, who is the most sweetest and even tempered dog to ever exist.

                                                        Corwin

Comes off as aloof, even aggressive, but generally friendly.

As people kept confusing him for Connor, Corwin started dying his hair black as early as fifteen years old. Ended up developing a sort of emo/grunge style to his clothing, so he doesn’t actively care about his appearance.

Also impulsive as hell, having started a fair few fights in his lifetime. Corwin is also a bit clumsy, but not to the extent that Connor is. Carpentry is something of a passion of his, including whittling, and thus developed a very steady hand in an effort to keep himself from accidentally cutting off a limb.

Has a bit of an oral fixation himself, but he either smokes cigarettes or pot, or he wears hoodies or jackets with drawstrings to chew on them. He also bites and gnaws at his nails.

Kind of a loner, didn’t really have a lot of friends growing up besides Connor. He got involved in a small gang in high school, but they didn’t really deal with things like murder. Mostly petty theft and fight rings.

Started rebelling against Amanda as young as twelve, having been able to recognize her abuse early on and not wanting to deal with it. As a result, Corwin was given the unofficial title of “Family Disappointment”, as he constantly pushes Amanda’s buttons and it ends with a screaming match between them.

While he acts like doesn’t care about anything, he’s very protective of Connor. They may have opposite personalities, but he loves his brother very much and does not tolerate anyone treating Connor with anything less than respect. He has gotten into quite a few fights with Gavin Reed because of this.

Has an extensive knife collection. No one knows why, no one has asked, and Corwin doesn’t offer information. Connor thinks he only has a knife collection to freak people out.

Is generally open about his pansexuality, and doesn’t really have a preference in either direction. 

As soon as he was eighteen, with Connor’s blessing, Corwin left Detroit to begin his life as a drifter. He legally had his last name changed, and keeps in contact with Connor through phone calls, emails and letters/postcards while away, and when he comes back into town, he crashes with Connor.

Loves most animals, but has an extreme fondness for snakes, adopting a rosy boa he named Ruby who’s his pride and joy.

Corwin was the one to teach Connor his coin tricks.

                                                     Cassius

Is the cousin of Connor and Corwin, older than the twins by four years. His mother was their father’s older sister, and during their early childhood, the trio held a tightknit bond despite the distance of their families living on opposite ends of the country.

After the accident that killed Connor and Corwin’s parents, and the adoption that took the brothers away, Cassius’ parents tried to fight for custody, but because Amanda had more money than them and thus had more influence, they were unsuccessful.

Cassius is a quiet and serious personality, with high intelligence and good empathy. He grew up rather outgoing, making plenty of friends, and he even skipped a grade in high school, resulting in him graduating a year early.

The number nine is a very lucky number for Cassius. No one really knows why, but because of the correlation, he earns the nickname “Nines”, and it carries on no matter where he goes or who he meets.

Wanted to join the military, but his mother was afraid for his safety, so Cassius ended up going to medical school and becoming an EMT instead. He has a dream of eventually working his way back through medical school to either become a nurse or a doctor.

Is endlessly patient, and has a fondness for children.

Is bisexual, and doesn’t have a preference either way, though his friends have jokingly said he has a thing for “morons”. This may be proven later on if he meets Gavin Reed and ends up developing romantic feelings for him.

When he’s twenty five, he goes looking for Connor and Corwin, as his family never forgot the twins and he wants to reunite with them. He gets into contact with Connor through Facebook, and within a month manages to reunite with the twins, rekindling their old bond, much to Amanda’s displeasure.

Despite the clumsy nature of his cousins, Cassius is quite graceful and fluid in his movements. One would think his height would work against him.

Does hold a startling resemblance to the twins, almost to the point of people thinking he might be a fraternal triplet, but his height, muscle mass and even a bit of his facial structure are enough to prove that he isn’t their brother, as well as his blue eyes and more naturally curly black hair.

Loves most animals, but hates bugs. He has a Russian Blue cat he named Star.

[team-free-squiggle]

T.A.R.D.I.S. Chapter 14: Hopes and Dreams...

~~

Warnings: language, innapropriate jokes, fight scenes, certain song lyrics, Sympathetic Deceit, mentions of fear and anxiety, mentions of weaponry near the end

~~

Thomas and Deceit stumbled out of the Mystical Marshmallow Gateway, much to their Prince’s surprise. Afterall - the Gateway had suddenly appeared in his room, but he hadn’t been able to go through it.

Then Thomas and Deceit walked through, and now they were all staring at each other, and oh my god it had been fucking days since he had seen someone friendly - Roman didn’t realize he was crying until he collapsed.

“Roman?!” Thomas shouted, easily picking him up and putting him in the bed nearby.

“Thomas? Is it really you? Or did Insanity just get to me a bit earlier than anticipated?” Roman murmured.

“It’s me, Roman. God, it’s been.. How long have you been trapped here?” Thomas murmured.

“Two Days.” Deceit looked at him. “That can’t be possible - oh. How long since you hadn’t seen me?”

“Five days.” Roman was sounding stronger now, Deceit having brought him water from a nearby sink.

“What’s he talking about? Dee?” Thomas asked, looking both confused and worried.

“Trapped in here the last 2 days. It was 3 days before that we - Lo, Pat, Virge, and I - were trapped in the Phantom of the Opera. But then he came, and took us here, and sent my loves away, and he’s kept me trapped up here, a damsel to be rescued, and I couldn’t protect them Thomas, I was meant  to protect them, this was all my fault -” Roman was rambling and Thomas didn’t know how to handle it. His Prince, his Hopes and Dreams, had never seemed so broken before. He had no idea how to help Roman.

Luckily, Deceit did.

“Roman, my Prince. Please know - this was entirely your fault. You could have prevented this. You are not the victim here at all.” Roman looked up, realizing that the literal embodiment of Deceit was telling him that it was his fault - and that he was lying.

Roman sniffled. “So - Insanity was lying when he said it’s my fault? My own head was lying when it said the same thing?” He looked up at Deceit, both hopeful and scared.

“No, he wasn’t lying.” Deceit smiled comfortingly. Roman giggled and nodded, sitting up and looking much stronger now. The Creative Side looked over at Thomas, who couldn’t help but hug him.

Roman leaned into the hug gratefully, Thomas motioning at Deceit to join their cuddles. Deceit obliged ‘reluctantly,’ making Roman smile and hug them tighter. It was so good to see friendly faces.

Which is when Roman remembered - he wasn’t the only one who needed rescuing.

“Thomas. Dee.” He whispered urgently, looking outside.

“What is i- oh.” Thomas looked where Roman was looking, and what he saw scared him.

“There used to be a sea there. It was gorgeous. But since Insanity came in, everything’s been crumbling into nothingness. Thomas, Insanity is destroying your Imagination. That’s why I collapsed - I am fundamentally tied with the Imagination. We need to stop Insanity. And we need to get the rest of your Sides back.” Roman explained, grimacing when he saw more of the beach tear off and fall into the oncoming nothingness.

Deceit nodded. “Well, then, let’s get the fuck out of here.” He kicked down the door, stepping aside and bowing at it to let Thomas and Roman through.

“Roman, you know where you’re going, right?” Thomas asked, looking down the dark stairwell hesitantly. Roman sighed.

“No, I was only floated slowly up it while unable to escape.” He bit out, before wincing. “Sorry, I just - I’m worried. And am in terrible condition. But yes, I can lead you to where the others are.” Thomas nodded slowly, gently placing a hand on Roman’s shoulder.

“We’ll find them.” Roman nodded, sighing, before getting up and leading the way down the stairs. Thomas followed him, Deceit bringing up the rear in order to make sure the people he cares about are protected.

They made it to the bottom of the staircase without incident, which worried them all more. Insanity must know that Thomas and Deceit were here - their Mystical Marshmallow Gateway wasn’t exactly quiet. So where was he?

Deceit was worried about this, and to some extent, Thomas too. Roman, however, was only concerned with getting his loves out of their respective timelines. So when they reached the main part of the library, Deceit moved out first. He was a slimy little snake, and had therefore mastered the art of hiding in the shadows.

Thomas held Roman back from marching right into a possible trap. Literally, Thomas grabbed Roman’s shirt and pulled him back towards the staircase.

“Thomas, they’re right there!” Roman hissed, pointing at the desk with three upright items on it. Thomas held on tighter.

“Roman, this could be a trap and you know it! I know you want to get them back, but you have got to use your head right now!” He hissed.

“But I love them!” Roman struggled more, his voice rising higher and louder.

“You think I don’t?” Roman turned to Thomas, and was frightened at what he saw. Pure heartbreak, and fear, and an emptiness that could not be names. Whatever Insanity was doing, it wasn’t just affecting Thomas’ Imagination - it was affecting Thomas as well.

Roman sighed, stopped struggling, and lowered his voice.

“I know you do, and I’m sorry. I am. I just -” Roman sat on the nearest step, holding his head in his hands.

“I was right there, Thomas. I could have - I should have - prevented it. I should have stopped him in the first place.” Roman felt the tears slipping down his cheeks, but it was silent. He had learned how to cry silently, though he hadn’t in a long time. But now all his failures, his weaknesses, were coming back.

Roman was not strong enough, at least not in his eyes. Thomas, however, saw differently.

“Roman. I think - what if Insanity is affecting me through you? I need you to think. I need - I need my Prince. Roman, I need you to help me. Please.” Roman looked up at Thomas, a shy smile breaking through.

“I - what if I hurt you though?” Roman’s thought chased away the tiny smile. Thomas vowed to bring it back.

“Well right now, I need my Knight in Shining Armor to help me from the thing that is actually hurting me. So, Prince Roman, will you help me?” Thomas helped his Creativity up, smiling up at the embodiment of his hopes and dreams.

“Of course I will, Thomas!” The shy smile was back, making Thomas smile and hug Roman. Roman’s smile grew, and he hugged back until Dee slithered back to them.

“Psssssst. I totally did not just see that there seems to be no one and no traps out there waiting for us.” Deceit hissed, making Roman look over at Thomas hopefully.

“Alright, so here’s the plan.” Thomas began seriously, making the other two nod. “Dee, Ro, you will do rescue the others. Insanity will likely come after you, so I shall defend. And before you say no, I have the most power considering it’s my Imagination, so it only makes sense that I protect you.” Thomas looked at his two Sides protectively, hoping his plan would work.

Neither Roman nor Deceit liked it, but they had no other ideas. And Thomas did have a point about being the most powerful one here. Not to mention that Dee and Ro both wanted to save the others.

“But why do we have to fight Insanity?” Dee asked, knowing full well why. Ro and Thomas looked at the lying side pointedly, making him blush.

“Sorry, I like having a mind.” Thomas deadpanned.

“I did not know that!” Deceit gasped sarcastically. Roman giggled, making the other two smile. Thomas hugged both Roman and Deceit.

“Go, now. I’ve got your backs.” He nodded encouragingly, and they took off.

“You know Insanity would have put some sort of enchantment on the items. I need you to disable them, then I can pull the others out!” Roman shouted to Dee while they ran. Dee, being the faster runner, got there first, and did what Roman asked. Then he moved on to the others, while Roman opened the book.

Roman knew that he had to find the exact page where Insanity had dumped Patton, but luckily, Insanity had already told him the part of the book. Roman flipped to a few chapters from the end of Return of the King, quickly finding the part where Patton was trapped. Roman flipped a page back, to where the paragraph started, and a sudden light blinded the room.

“You will not touch him aga- what?” Patton sat dizzily on the floor, looking up at Roman and Deceit in shock.

“Patton?” Roman asked softly, holding his arms out. Patton lunged up, jumping into Roman’s arms and sobbing.

“R-roman… please… I… I lost count of how many times… I… I don’t know how I sur-survived…” Patton whispered, crying into the Prince’s shoulder. It was relief and pain and hope, it was sadness and happiness all at once. And as Roman held his love, he felt his heart break.

“Patton, I love you, I’ve got you, my darling heart, my sweet golden ray of sunshine, you’re gonna be okay. You’re safe now. I’ve got you, Patton.” Roman willed a few tears of his own away.

“Roman.” Deceit cleared his throat, signalling to Roman that the next item was ready.

“But Patton-” Roman began, before Thomas stepped in.

“Insanity doesn’t appear to be home right now, and I’ve missed my Morality.” Thomas smiled warmly, and Patton giggled slightly.

“Hey kiddo.” The most emotional side sniffled. Thomas smiled, holding his arms out. Roman planted a quick kiss onto Patton’s lips, making the other smile a little more before he ran over and hugged Thomas.

The next item was Sherlock BBC, Season Two. Roman opened the DVD case, taking out Disc One.

“We have to get a DVD player, we have to scroll to the exact scene where Logan is!” Roman shouted worriedly.

Just then, a TV with a DVD player wheeled itself into the room. The four eyed one another worriedly. Then the stand they were on careened itself towards them, stopping just short of the table where they all were.

“Okay, that’s not creepy at all…” Deceit muttered. He was shaking, and so was Patton, now. This meant that Thomas was shaking, too, leaving Roman the only one less scared.

“Okay, but this means Insanity wants us to have them back. Why?” Thomas was saying. Roman shook his head.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care. We need them.” Roman’s voice was cold, hard. He just wanted Logan and Virgil back. And he didn’t care what it would take. Thomas nodded, agreeing sadly, and Roman put the disc in.

He went to the scene selection, finding the right scene much more quickly that way. There was another bright white light, but this time it was Logan who popped out. Logan didn’t fall the way Patton did. He stood, but he was trembling more than a brown leaf in an autumn wind.

Roman hugged his logical boyfriend tightly, trying to let Logan know that he was okay now. He would be okay.

“Roman? Is that - is that really you?” Logan whispered, still too scared that it was just another trick. Roman smiled bitterly, but spoke calmly.

“Yes my love, it is. It’s really me. And look - Patton’s over there too!” Roman stepped back, letting Logan see.

Logan stared at Patton in shock. “Patton - is that the - are you… real?” Logan backed away as Patton nodded.

“I’m out?” Logan whispered to himself. The others heard him, though, and their hearts broke.

“You are not out. Totally not.” Deceit piped up, making Logan look up. When he saw it was Deceit who had spoken, Logan’s face lit up in a shy, small smile. Logan looked over at Patton, and they ran to each other.

Roman turned to the last item as he smiled at Logan and Patton, who were now kissing each other like they would never let each other go again.

Dee had already done his thing with the game, so Roman popped it into the too convenient console. He vaguely heard Logan and Patton talking with Thomas as he booted up the game, sat down, and loaded it.

The levels that were already beaten had to be the ones that Virgil had done, or so Roman hoped. So he went to the next undone one, and clicked on it. Instantly, a white light came out, and Virgil popped out of the screen - right into Roman’s lap.

“Virgil?” Roman looked up at his anxious boyfriend hopefully. Virgil nodded.

“Roman, my sweet Roman.” He smirked. Roman giggled.

“Nothing too troublesome for you, I hope?” He giggled as they both got up. Virgil nodded, smiling.

“Well, Insanity made you Princess Peach, and I had to rescue you, so it wasn’t anything entirely new.” The anxious side smirked. Thomas, Logan, Patton, and Deceit giggled.

Roman glared at them while making Offended Princey Noises at Virgil. Virgil giggled more, before he recognized the rest of his FamILY behind Roman.

Virgil first dragged Patton and Logan into a hug, then Thomas, and then Deceit. The others all enthusiastically hugged him back, Patton and Logan kissing him as Roman made his way over. Roman kissed his boyfriends, and Thomas smiled, feeling a lot better now that his Sides were all back together.

“So- can we get out of here? Now? Please?” Patton asked after they were all done hugging each other. Logan, Virgil, and Roman nodded in agreement. Deceit shook his head, agreeing as well.

But it was up to Thomas.

“You 5 can go. In fact, you should. But I have to find and confront Insanity. I can’t let him continue to destroy my mind. I have to make him leave.” Thomas sighed.

The sides all glanced at each other, coming to a decision almost immediately.

“The mind is our home. We will stay and fight for it.” Logan stated, as though it were a fact. Virgil nodded.

“Yeah, and it’s my job to protect you, Thomas. I’m not gonna leave you to fend for yourself.” Roman picked up from there.

“And I am a Prince! A Knight in Shining Armor! Who would I be if I didn’t stick around and help you?!” His dramatic flailing earned a good natured chuckle from each of the other Sides.

“I, of course, want to run away for Insanity locking me.” Deceit hissed, glaring at the TV. Thomas nodded sympathetically.

They all looked to Patton, who sighed. He looked up at Thomas with big, round eyes, and Thomas nodded.

Virgil spoke up.

“Patton, it’s okay to be scared. But - we have to save ourselves and each other. And knowing you, you want to help. You just don’t want to go back to that story, is that it?” Virgil hugged his boyfriend.

Patton nodded, burying his head into Virgil’s shoulder. Then Logan came over to them, and whispered something into Patton’s ear. Patton and Virgil nodded, separating.

Patton spoke. “Insanity locked me away into my literal worst nightmare. I don’t want to go back.” But then Patton looked at the TV, and spoke loudly, clearly, and proudly.

“I won’t go back. So Insanity - you can try to come and get me. To get any of us. But I have news for you - we will not back down. You will not win. This is our home, our FamILY. And you will never, ever, break us apart again.”

Virgil smirked, and Patton felt ready. After all, nobody would get to mess with his FamILY and get away with it. Roman smiled at him, and Logan nodded in approval. Even Deceit was looking at him with disapproval. Thomas nodded, making Patton’s heart feel warm and fuzzy before he remembered the situation he and his FamILY were in.

The six of them moved into a circle, watching all angles and protecting each other’s backs.

It was showtime.

...Or it was, until the library they were in began to burn around them.