lackadaisycats · 1 year ago
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Hi Tracy, i wanted to ask a somewhat personal question. How do you deal with losing beloved pet? I recently lost my 9-year-old tortie a month ago to kidney failure and GDV and even though i still got three other babies to dote for (and they're all lovely), it's really hard to feel as much love as i did with my tortie. She was my first cat and was incredibly loving and patient with, helped me immensely while grieving for my father's passing a few years ago.
With her gone, it really does feel like a lot of me also went with her. It makes living very hard. I made tiny sculpture and wood soldering in her memory but i don't really know how to deal with the actual emptiness inside me. Sorry for the word vomit but i figured since you also lost a precious cat before, you might have insight for this situation
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved tortie.
I don't have any special skills for dealing with death, really, but I suppose I can speak a bit about personal experience.
I think it's natural to feel a yawning emptiness when something so intimately intertwined in your life - a constant companion, a source of joy, something around which your daily schedule is structured - is suddenly gone. It can be a very lonely sort of grief too, as the loss of a pet doesn't generally come with the same community and ritual that human death does. To others, your dear companion was perhaps just an animal. Not to equate it with human death in the broader scheme, exactly, but it can mean personal devastation, compounded by being alone in coping with it. Societally, we probably do ourselves some significant harm believing we must rapidly "get over" losses like this.
There's no getting-over-it that I know of, anyway, but there is the knowledge that the nature of grief changes over time (it sounds like you're no stranger to that). The stormy waves that knock you about with the immensity of the loss gradually give way to more placid waters. The sadness remains, but grows gentler and maybe sweeter even, because it creates a quiet space to reflect on the pet that enriched and graced a chapter of your life with their presence.
In the meantime, while awaiting some peace, I personally find there's an analgesic effect to making the feelings of grief actionable. The meditative nature of art and the act of memorializing a companion animal won't fill in that void, but it can help you start to process and accept it, to find a way to transmogrify it into a repository for your feelings and memories of love. I'd say keep making sculptures, make a scrapbook, draw a picture of her - anything, if it puts you in a different state of mind as you're doing it.
Looking after animals that are in need of care and attention in the moment, even if you feel emotionally distant, might help you regain some footing too. Setting up shelters for feral cats and fostering rescues are some things I like to do. There's a sort of grounding, self-rescue interwoven in focusing some energy on the living.
Most of all, grant yourself time. Do yourself the kindness of not feeling bad about feeling bad. Mourn without believing you must rush to find a cure for the sadness.
If, however, you are suffering or finding it impossible to function day to day, please do reach out to seek qualified counseling.
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death---dealer · 4 months ago
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from concerned anon,
please be cautious moving forward, with trying to have a baby. Children can change the dynamic of the relationship drastically for the worse due to the parents being unprepared and in a lot of cases, unfit . and a lot of husbands change after children come into the picture .
make sure your husband doesn't become or already is a child you constantly have to clean up behind, and you, as the woman should not be solely responsible for the majority of the domestic labor of the home ...
there's too many stories of men cheating on their spouse while she is pregnant, and using children to trap women to keep them away from their careers and hobbies / to slow them down
babies are extremely expensive and are an insane amount of work . not even including the several health risks for you, the mother.
i just really hope your husband is an actual good man and is actually worthy of a wife and children (99% of men are not due to societal conditioning)
i watch ceciliaregina275 , sheisapaigeturner and other related stuff on tiktok for tons of extremely valuable , educational and basically life saving content for women when it comes to men, dating, children, etc .
just want to make sure you are in a safe, secure, and healthy relationship ... and are making the best decisions for you
Hiii. Thank you kindly for the concern and I really appreciate you reaching out to me regarding. I really don't share much about my life regarding my husband and such because no one knows the inner-workings of our relationship.
I trust my husband - he trusts me. I think that is a very good basis and we've been on and off talking about having a child for the last year. I am Diabetic, and it was a heavy thing on my agenda to get myself in the best shape possible for a baby, and my husband was incredibly supportive of that, considering pregnancy for me will be considered very high risk. I am supporting my husband as he goes through some things for his OCD - both of us recognizing that they are pressure points that could and most likely will flare up upon the arrival of a baby. We have learned great coping and to learn how to depend upon each other in circumstances of need.
This has been a discussion we've had for three years. We have followed the plan we set for ourselves since then. We moved into an apartment together, we got engaged, we had a wedding, we got a house ( this year baby ) and I actually wasn't the one to bring it up first - My husband did, and he told me he felt it was time, that we are both ready and we are both equipped with proper tools.
Like said, thank you so much for taking time to send me this, I really do understand where you are coming from, but like said, no one here knows the inner-workings of our relationship, etc. Be assured that I myself have done a lot to ensure I am ready ( I am also the youngest of 7 and have seen all of my siblings go through it. In fact, my brother is going through it right now with his incredibly narcissistic and emotionally abusive wife and I am taking notes ). I was also in a very abusive relationship before I met my husband, and ended up having to do some things I wish I never had to do and never thought I'd have the chance again. So, thank you again. The concern is heart warming, and I am posting this message in case someone else needs it.
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alfiely-art · 10 months ago
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I'm voting Kotoko Guilty this round for quite a few reasons. First off, the only other two characters who have been voted guilty are Haruka and Muu. Yk. Minors. Who are already in a shitty mindset, who's verdict will most likely make that worse? Yeah. I would rather not have them beat up by Kotoko. And she WOULD beat them up- she would have beat up Amane if she hadn't been stopped, and Amane is much younger than Haruka and Muu.
I don't even mind her fighting injustice to feel good about herself. I mean, she's still fighting injustice. Regardless of her personal feelings about it, she's still doing good things. It's the way she goes about it that worries me. The article she was reading on her phone states that "more violence than necessary was used". Of course, the article could always be biased, but Kotoko has shown herself to be a violent person. Her call to us to vote everyone else in Milgram as Guilty, regardless of their crime, is a request for us to give her permission to make them her enemy and crush them. She would apply the same amount of force to, say, Yuno- someone who simply had an abortion because she didn't want the baby- as a person who kidnapped a child.
Kotoko sees everything in black and white. Yuno's "crime" of an abortion is just as evil as Haruka's crime of murder. Here's a reminder of the character's crimes (from my understanding):
Haruka: killed out of desperation to be seen, to have his mother finally acknowledge him after he wasn't good enough (ie, neurotypical) to keep up with the other kids.
Yuno: Had an abortion because she didn't want the baby. She didn't have some tragic reason why, she had a normal life. She was simply doing as she pleased.
Fuuta: Took part in cancel culture, which ended up doxxing a minor and she took her own life. He didn't want to accept responsibility for this, but it was clearly weighing on his mind.
Muu: She bullied others with her friends, and then her friends turned on her. She reached out to a classmate for help, but didn't receive any. Muu stabbed her in a panic, after alluding to either her or the classmate dying at the end of all of this.
Shido: Medical malpractice ? I think ? It's still not clear to me idk
Mahiru: Abused her boyfriend until he offed himself due to her sheltered life and toxic positivity. She feels as though she can't change, and she wants someone to love even if it hurts both of them.
Kazui: Lied about romantically loving his wife so that he could fit in to society at large. When he finally opened up about his feelings, the shock of it all caused his wife to end her life. He cared for her, but can't continue lying like this.
Amane: Killed her abuser, and is clinging to religion to both justify it to herself and comfort herself.
Mikoto: Still unclear whether he or John did the murder, how many murders there were, who was murdered, etc. The focus isn't exactly on the murder, moreso how mentally ill people are pushed to their limit with no support or help from others and the unhealthy coping mechanisms that can arise from that.
She tells us to throw away our sympathy. But understanding and kindness and sympathy are so so so important- not just in Milgram, but everywhere else, too. Yes, these are just characters, but a popular theory is that they represent societal issues. And I do believe that's true. They may not be real, but they represent real problems real people face. By ignoring the nuance, we blindly swing at whatever we're told is "guilty". Kotoko only attacked the prisoners we announced as Guilty. She won't act on her own moral code, merely the law. We are the law in Milgram, so she follows us.
I adore Kotoko, but her mindset is genuinely dangerous. While this is unlikely (cough, Amane) I hope her Guilty vote will help her. But it probably won't- Guilty votes destroy a person. But I can't vote her Innocent, either. I don't forgive her for her black and white thinking. Thus, she is Guilty to me. I'm very curious how she'll develop after this. I'm a little scared, too, but oh well.
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jmdbjk · 2 years ago
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Phases
Life with a significant other has its phases: the new relationship phase (so exciting), the honeymoon phase, making a home (getting settled), juggling career/relationship (so busy), settling into a rhythm (getting resettled), the kids grow up and leave (a new freedom)... the ebbs and flows of relationships as time goes on. 
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Life flows from one season right into the next without you even realizing it, or sometimes stops you in your tracks. When you or your s/o start a new job or lose a job, or you move to a new city for whatever reason, or you have kids, or deal with serious health issues, all of these things are disruptive. A new job or a new baby will move to the forefront of our attention and our relationship with our s/o hopefully enters the building and supporting each other phase. It can wear you out.
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Sometimes the ebbs and flows do not go smoothly because we are all human. Throw in family dynamics, deeply embedded cultural and societal traits and norms, our weirdo personalities and that makes each of our experiences and how we cope individually unique. 
But a strong relationship finds its way through the rough spots if two people are really committed to the relationship and to each other.
Growth, expansion, evolution... important in sustaining relationships because if we don’t change as time goes on, we have trouble adjusting to what is happening in our lives. 
2022 was a year of disruption for BTS and the guys individually. We all felt it big time. But that doesn’t mean anything fell apart. Our normal was disrupted. Now growth is happening. Evolution and all those other deep thinking words.
When you think about the dynamic between Jungkook and Jimin, remember that JK is/was a little possessive of his Jiminie. He’s not letting him go, remember? Be jealous and all that...and Jimin has a heart as big as the universe and turns things around and around to see all sides of a matter. 
So when we think about Jimin roaming the planet working with producers, artists and other idols here and there... we as fans feel some kind of way about it. Of course Kookie is going to feel some kind of way about it too. 
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Between them, their relationship has no other option now but to grow. What people are wanting to describe as “distant” is inaccurate. A better word would be to call it maturing. Maturity in your relationship is being ok with your partner freely pursuing their individual interests and friends. 
We know JK is not the constant self-reflecting type but at some point in the future, our live-in-the-moment Bun Bun will realize he had some personal growth during this time. It’ll be good for him. 
And our precious Jiminie will also realize he’s grown professionally and personally. I am so thrilled for him. And we have the privilege of watching this happen in real time. 
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And now they can watch and support each other doing things they’ve not had the chance to do yet... like when Jimin was watching Jungkook on that stage in Qatar, you know Jimin was beaming with pride. 
Now we have a date for Jimin’s new solo career to launch with this collaboration with Taeyang. I promise you that JK is going to be paying close attention, just like us.
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papirouge · 2 years ago
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Whenever I see people talking about how some countries are in decline due to low natality, and then search their politics on issues like abortion I actually hope that these countries do stop existing and that ones that do value life end up being created. Also reading about Japan's past w this was gut churning
Yeah since I do understand japanese I sometimes browse their forum/SNS and it's insane the amount of women saying a child is just too expensive to have one. Japan's population is declining and aging like crazy and the dim newer generation has to bear the weight of this aging population. Many people complain their country is ruled by oldheads who are out of touch with reality. IDK if you followed up the fiasco of the Tokyo Olympics and how the Olympics bureau screwed up the initial (and quite promising) ceremony plan for a much more austere and boring ceremony (sure C0vîd changed their plans, but what was the point to straight up cancel the entertainers presence when they could simply reduce the scale/budget of their performence?).
Shit happening in Japan is very distopic and wicked and the only ppl hyping this country are racialist rightoids raving about muh crimeless ethnostate wet dream and weebs who think Japan is like anime and want to live there as rootless plants living their Yamato Japan dream à la PewDiePie who's finally settled there....only to hang out with White gaijin 💀 lmao But beside these idiots, hardly anyone wants to live through such a demographic nightmare.
I've always said Japanese entertainment culture being so rich was a cope of an IRL lifestyle that was bleak and unfulfilling. And now this whole anime/manga culture has made its way here bc the Western world is undergoing the same societal collapse that Japan did a few decades before (social isolation, gaming, parasocial relationships becoming the norm over social ones, etc.).
People with fulfilling life don't watch anime/do gaming for hours once they get home or dress up as fictional characters half their age.. (especially when 99% of these shows are stupid and intellectually regressive). This self indulgence is why many adults today behave like children and become degenerates. I got so much shit for saying that, but an anime fan over 25 years old has something wrong with them. Casual watching is ok but being obsessive with that culture is mental deficiency in action.
And yes, Japan History esp during WWII is sketchy but they have this sort of revisionism where they act like nothing much happened. It's highkey creepy to see the amount of japanese words coming straight from German (アルバイト, ワッペン etc. ) when you know the context of how this happened... 🥴 and let's not talk about the weird SS uniform memorabilia in Visual Kei They've become the submissive USA lackey post war though so I guess they made a deal to not get much trouble for that👀. I had a Chinese friend of mine who despised Japan and I think that's also the case of Koreans. Those countries mutually hate each other since centuries now anyway. Not surprised to see Westerners aligning themselves with Japan when Japan has the same history of colonialism and cultural & racial supremacism. Imperialists countries have this weird fellowship around the evilness they did lol
Even when browsing on japanese SNS I'm shocked by the casual racism of Japanese netizens especially against continental Asians. They had a field day during c0vîd dragging the Chinese, and whenever a public figure gets in trouble they happen to get suspicious about some supposed foreign ancestry ("this person always looked kinda foreign..."). Japanese netizens HATE Kiko Mizuhara because she doesn't have japanese blood (she's half Korean half USAmerican) yet immigrated in Japan with her (Korean) mom while still a baby and has become one of the most successful supermodel in Japan and oversea, but it doesn't stop them from calling her a foreigner and telling how she can't properly pull off the kimono cause she's not a pure japanese breed this kuso Zainichi imposter ùwú. I even saw one send shots at Kana Oya because she's half Japanese half Brazilian and call her a "poor Brazilian" (poor as in "no money" since Brazil is indeed a poor country but how does any of that relates to Kana personally..?). They have this weird obsession to use someone foreignness/mixedness as a diss. Interestingly, I hardly see them having the same energy against half White entertainers¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ (as long as they're not half Chinese or Korean ofc lol)
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dadgamerhq · 8 months ago
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Navigating Paternal Postpartum Depression: A Comprehensive Guide for Dads
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In a world that has long associated postpartum depression solely with new mothers, a crucial shift in awareness is taking place. It is increasingly recognized that new dads, too, grapple with postpartum depression. This comprehensive guide aims to shed light on paternal postpartum depression, offering insights into its symptoms, impacts on fathers, and avenues for support. Understanding Paternal Postpartum Depression: Breaking Stereotypes Postpartum depression, commonly known as postnatal depression, is a form of depression that can affect parents in the months following their child's birth. While traditionally linked to hormonal changes in new mothers, the acknowledgment of fathers experiencing postpartum depression has given rise to terms like 'paternal postpartum depression' or 'paternal postnatal depression.' While mothers often experience postpartum depression within the first 4-6 weeks after birth, new dads tend to grapple with paternal postpartum depression when their baby is 3-6 months old. Recognizing the significance of mental health during this 'postpartum period' is crucial, as symptoms typically alleviate within the first year. Research indicates that dads-to-be are also at an increased risk of experiencing depression symptoms, known as 'prenatal depression' or 'perinatal depression,' particularly during the first trimester of pregnancy. Statistics That Demand Attention The National Childbirth Trust (NCT) reveals a striking statistic: the number of dads experiencing depression and anxiety in the first year of their child's life is double that of the general population. Surprisingly, up to 25% of new dads may experience depression symptoms in the first year, with 10-12% receiving a formal diagnosis. However, the actual figures could be higher due to underdiagnosis. Risk factors identified by the NCT highlight that first-time dads and those under 25 years old are more susceptible to paternal postpartum depression. These insights underscore the need for heightened awareness and support for fathers. Recognising Symptoms: A Closer Look Identifying paternal postpartum depression can be challenging, given its overlap with the everyday stresses of parenting. Symptoms may manifest mentally and physically, often accompanied by anxiety. Common indicators include prolonged sadness, irritability, guilt, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and changes in appetite. Specifically related to new parents, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety about the baby's well-being, and difficulty bonding with the child are noteworthy symptoms. Seeking prompt medical attention is crucial, especially in cases involving self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of harming the baby. Why Do Men Experience Paternal Postpartum Depression? Paternal depression can be indiscriminate, affecting even those who proactively address their mental health before their baby's birth. Sleep deprivation, adapting to a new role, relationship changes, lack of postpartum support, family/personal history, and a partner's postpartum depression can contribute to male postpartum depression. Differences Between Maternal and Paternal Postpartum Depression While the core symptoms of depression and anxiety are similar for both genders, nuances exist in postpartum depression and anxiety experiences. Paternal postpartum depression often relates to financial concerns, coping with a crying baby, sleep deprivation, guilt, and feeling unsupported. Navigating Recovery: Steps for Dads 1. Medical Advice: Seeking Professional Guidance Reach out to a doctor or healthcare provider promptly if postpartum depression symptoms are identified. Urgent medical assistance is imperative for suicidal thoughts or self-harm. 2. Talking: Breaking the Silence Overcoming societal norms, engage in open conversations about feelings and mental health. Seek support from partners, friends, family, or therapists. Sharing experiences can be a powerful step toward recovery. 3. Join a Dad Group: Building Community Participate in in-person or online dad groups for support and shared experiences. Bonding with other dads and accessing social support is vital in navigating the challenges of paternal postpartum depression. 4. Skin-to-Skin Contact: Fostering Connection Enhance the father-child bond through skin-to-skin contact, promoting emotional closeness. Gradual, consistent efforts can contribute to a stronger connection with the baby. 5. Spend Time with Your Partner: Strengthening Relationships Prioritize quality time with your partner to maintain a strong romantic relationship. Taking breaks from parenting stresses contributes to a healthier partnership, fostering long-term support. 6. Take Time for Yourself: Self-Care Matters Acknowledge the importance of self-care. Allocate time for personal activities, exercise, or hobbies to maintain a sense of identity beyond the role of a parent. Encourage partners to do the same. 7. Improve Your Diet: Nourishing Body and Mind Embrace a balanced diet to support physical and mental well-being. Cooking nutritious meals with partners can be a shared activity, enhancing overall health. 8. Child Development Awareness: Motivation for Recovery Recognize the impact of paternal postpartum depression on child development. Use this awareness as motivation to prioritize mental health, fostering a positive environment for the child's emotional and social growth. Conclusion: In navigating paternal postpartum depression, acknowledging its existence, seeking support, and prioritizing mental health are pivotal steps. This guide aims to empower fathers, partners, and families with insights into recognizing, understanding, and overcoming paternal postpartum depression. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and recovery is a journey worth taking for the well-being of both fathers and their families. Read the full article
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bunabi · 2 years ago
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The speed at which people have been suckered into hating minority groups and doomsaying a ‘perversion of tradition’ in general is scary
Mfs just giving up their desire to coexist with other human beings
That part is really bleak
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hacawijo · 4 years ago
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Alright, If We’re Gonna Play with Az’s Bonus Chapter, Let’s PLAY with Az’s Bonus Chapter (Pt. 2)
Yeah baby, part 2 of a PAINSTAKING close read lol.
Azriel winnowed into shadows before she could say anything he uses the shadows to ESCAPE, they are a coping mechanism, appearing at the door to Rhys’s study a heartbeat later. His shadows whispered in his ear that Elain had gone upstairs. It’s interesting that the shadows specifically report on Elain’s whereabouts here and not earlier, as well as later not reporting on Gwyn.
Rhys sat at his desk, fury a moonless night across his face. He asked softly, “Are you out of your mind?”
Azriel donned the frozen mask he’d perfected while in his father’s dungeon. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Rhys’s power rippled through the room like a dark cloud. “I’m talking about you, about to kiss Elain, in the middle of a hall where anyone could see you,” he snarled. “Including her mate.” It is not out of line for Rhys to acknowledge that this was stupid. If for no other reason than that it would hurt Lucien if he saw/felt them.
Azriel stiffened. Let his cold rage rise to the surface, the rage he only ever let Rhysand see, because he knew his brother could match it. Which is the mirror to something that Rhys notes in ACOFAS, that they are similar in their darkness. Because Rhys is really the only person Azriel can be himself with, completely, I think it’s important to acknowledge that this is unprecedented ground for them and specifically for Azriel. This is the first time Azriel can actually voice ANY of these thoughts out loud, and only because Rhys saw them, he did not bring this concern to Rhys himself. “What if the Cauldron was wrong?”
Rhysand blinked. “What of Mor, Az?” Also very not out of line thing to ask. Feyre is the only person Mor has really told about her sexuality, and so to Rhys and co. AND Azriel, nothing about this situation has changed in the past 500 years. The fact that Azriel is able to get over Mor, without that confirmation of her sexuality, because of Elain, is significant I think.
Azriel ignored the question. Hmm yeah, but he can’t keep ignoring this question forever, and that’s another reason he and Elain did NOT kiss in this chapter. He and his family and Mor all need closure regarding their relationship. “The Cauldron chose three sisters. Oh boy, I have a lot to say about the number three later on! Tell me how it’s possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another.” He had never before dared speak the words out loud. NEVER BEFORE DARED TO SPEAK THE WORDS OUT LOUD. This is the first time he’s even verbalizing these thoughts - of COURSE he doesn’t know how to navigate this conversation. This is raw emotion being spewed out right now, enhanced by the unresolved tension from his interaction with Elain.
Rhys’s face drained of color. “You believe you deserve to be her mate?” So, he says that his two brothers ARE WITH two of those sisters, which is a way to acknowledge the fact that both people in each pair accepted the bond and that it was a mutually built connection. Then he says “the third was given to another” which is actually really different. He’s saying that Elain was given to Lucien by the Cauldron, suddenly one member of that bond is not an active participant - and this is mostly true! Elain has ignored Lucien diligently, and she hinted about her lack of feelings for him when she asked Feyre why he should be entitled to her affections just because of the cauldron and whatever amends he has made. I don’t like Azriel saying that Elain is something to be given as opposed to a person to be connected to, but I’m not sure exactly what it means that he did that. ANYWAY, Rhys really does supply the word deserve, and we have evidence from earlier in this chapter that essentially proves that Azriel does not believe he deserves Elain, anyway. He is having an argument with Rhys, yes, but it almost feels like he’s arguing with himself.
Azriel scowled. “I think Lucien will never be good enough for her, and she has no interest in him anyway.” (THE ONLY TIME ELAIN’S ACTUAL FEELINGS, ACTIONS ARE CONSIDERED IN THIS DISCUSSION BTW) Also, not that he doesn’t answer Rhys’s question. For Azriel, this isn’t necessarily about what HE deserves in this moment, it’s about what Elain wants. Almost certainly, Azriel DOESN’T believe that he deserves Elain, but he sees the injustice of her being forced to accept a bond with someone for political or spiritual/societal reasons. So while to Rhys it may seem like Azriel is is putting Lucien’s claim down in order to boost his own, I actually think Azriel is trying to distinguish a different issue - Elain’s agency. This same thing happened with Mor and Eris. ABSOLUTELY THIS IS NOT ALL LIKE THAT SITUATION BECAUSE LUCIEN IS NOT ERIS!!! I am not trying to compare their behavior. BUT, Azriel would have dueled Eris for Mor’s agency regardless of whether or not she chose to be with him.
“So you’ll what?” Rhys’s voice was pure ice. “Seduce her away from him?” Rhys, I think, misinterpreting Azriel and it’s mostly not Rhys’s fault. Azriel doesn’t communicate well and is not currently communicating well. That being said, I wish he would give Azriel more benefit of the doubt.
Azriel said nothing. He hadn’t got that far with his planning, certainly not beyond the fantasies he pleasured himself to. HE HADN’T PLANNED ANYTHING, this whole conversation is just like a raw nerve.
Rhys growled, “Allow me to make one thing very clear. You are to stay away from her.” Well come on, now, Rhys, what if she doesn’t want to stay away from him? BE A FEMINIST RHYS, just add, “unless she wants to see you”!
ALSO, DID RHYS TELL FEYRE ABOUT THIS? MY MONEY IS ON NO, AND IF RHYS DIDN’T TELL HER ITS BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE’S NOT WHOLLY DOING THE RIGHT THING BY ELAIN.
“You can’t order me to do that.”
“Oh, I can, and I will. If Lucien finds out you’re pursuing her, he has every right to defend their bond as he sees fit. Including invoking the Blood Duel.” Another really big sign that this is going to play out Elriel style is the mentioning of the Blood Duel. Chekhov’s gun eh?
“That’s an Autumn Court tradition.” The battle to the death was so brutal that it was only enacted in rare cases. Despite being an outsider, Azriel had wanted to to invoke it when he’d found Mor all those years ago. Had been ready to challenge both Beron and Eris to Blood Duels and kill them both. Yes see? He would have done this regardless of Mor’s feelings toward him. Only Mor’s right to claim their heads in vengeance had kept him from doing so.
“Lucien, as Beron’s son, has the right to demand it of you.” But hey fun fact Rhys knows that Lucien is almost CERTAINLY not Beron’s son. Interesting to consider in context.
“I’ll defeat him with little effort.” Pure arrogance laced every word, but it was true. Again, Azriel is dodging Rhys’s points and is honestly being pretty immature right now, but he hasn’t actually said ANYTHING about an intention to pursue Elain with any of this. Rhys has filled in the blanks, and Azriel has responded to smaller aspects of Rhys’s macro-points with which he finds fault. I think this is also because he knows Rhys is right about a lot of the realities of the situation, but he is in the mood to be contrary right now, so he’s fighting back where he can stomach it.
“I know.” Rhys’s eyes flickered. “And your doing so will rip apart any fragile peace and alliances we have, not only with the Autumn Court, but Also with the Spring Court and Jurian and Vassa.” Rhys bared his teeth. Rhys’s motivations are based entirely on things that have nothing to do with Elain’s feelings, which is sad. But, they’re not insignificant considerations. Though come on dude you did pretty much enable Hybern’s arrival to Prythian by alienating The Spring Court with Feyre’s escape.“So you will leave Elain alone. YES, ALONE, because Elain probably is PRETTY FREAKIN LONELY If you need to fuck someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her.” Low. Blow.
Azriel snarled softly.
“Snarl all you want.” Rhys leaned back in his chair. “But if I see you panting after her again, I’ll make you regret it.” I do think this is a really ungenerous description of what was happening downstairs with Elain. Their interaction was careful and consensual, we have painstaking detail to prove that, and it was far from panting/animalistic in action.
Rhys had rarely threatened punishment or pulled rank. It stunned Azriel enough that it knocked him from his rage. This is another person taking ANOTHER choice away from Elain. I think she may find out about Rhys doing this and I personally think she’s gonna be rightfully pissed.
Rhys jerked his chin toward the door. “Get out.”
Azriel tucked in his wings and left without another word, stalking through the house and onto the front lawn to sit in the frigid starlight. To let the frost in his veins match the air around him.
Until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all. With Elain, he is SOMETHING. Because he feels things.
Then he flew to the House of Wind, knowing that if he slept in the riverside manor, he’d do something he regretted. He’d been so vigilant about keeping away from Elain as much as possible, Further evidence that Azriel never intended to fight Lucien or make a stink over Elain and had stayed up here to avoid her, and tonight... tonight had proved he’d been right to do so.
He aimed for the training pit, giving in to the need to work off the temptation, the rage and frustration and writhing need.
He found it occupied. His shadows had not warned him. I am not sure what it means that his shadows didn’t warn him. It could mean that Gwyn is protected from his shadows/immune to them. It could mean that his shadows wanted him to go see Gwyn - either out of a desire for Azriel to find some peace with her or out of curiosity as to who/what she is?
It was too late to bank without appearing like he was running. Azriel landed in the ring a few feet from where Gwyn practiced in the chill night, her sword glimmering like ice in the moonlight.
She stopped mid-slice, whirling to face him. “I’m sorry. I knew you all were going to the river house, so I didn’t think anyone would mind if I came up here and—“
“It’s fine. I came here to retrieve something I forgot.” The lie was smooth and cool, as he knew his face was. His shadows peered over his wings at her. They are… wary of her? They’re shy around her?
The young priestess smiled — and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows. But she just hooked her coppery-brown hair behind an arched ear. “I was trying to cut the ribbon.” She pointed with her sword at the white ribbon, which seemed to glow silver. Some interesting language here and above (glimmering, glow etc.) to do with light, and again a juxtaposition between light and dark. But not a golden light, a colder/silver light.
“Aren’t you cold?” His breath clouded in front of him.
Gwyn shrugged. “Once you get moving, you stop noticing it.”
He nodded, silence falling. For a heartbeat, their gazes met. Gaze is definitely a romantically charged word, this is one of the tiny details that makes me unsure about the future nature of their relationship. He blocked out the bloody memory that flashed, so at odds with the Gwyn he saw before him now. I definitely do not think they are mates. I’m not closing the door on them being romantically involved, I don’t have enough evidence to do that, but I really think that if they were mates, Azriel would have known when he saw her at Sangravah.
Her head ducked, as if remembering it too. That he’d been the one who’d found her that day at Sangravah. Shades of Cassian’s reactions to Emerie’s wings having been clipped, in ACOFAS. “Happy Solstice,” she said, as much a dismissal as it was a holiday blessing.
He snorted. “Are you kicking me out?”
Gwyn’s teal eyes I have a lot to say about these teal eyes :) flashed with alarm. “No! I mean, I don’t mind sharing the ring. I just... I know you like to be alone.” Her mouth quirked to the side, crinkling the freckles on her nose. “Is that why you came up here?” I’ll talk more about this later, but there are a few small moments in the book where it seems like Gwyn might have a crush on Azriel, or some kind of special awareness/interest where he is concerned. I have seen almost no evidence that Az returns those potential feelings, except PERHAPS for the moment where he hears her screech and pays attention. But I think anyone would pay attention if someone screeched? Also he watches reverently as she cuts the ribbon, but that also feels like it would happen regardless of any romantic feelings he might have. But I don’t know for sure!
Sort of. “I forgot something.”
“At two in the morning?”
Pure amusement glittered in her stare. Better than the pain and grief he’d spied a moment before. So he offered her a crooked smile. He cares that she not be feeling pain and grief, as he does with anyone he deems good, and that is part of why he offers her the smile, as he clearly says right here. “I can’t sleep without my favorite dagger.”
“A comfort to every growing child.”
Azriel’s lips twitched. I think her irreverence matches his sense of humor quite well. He refrained from mentioning that he did indeed sleep with a dagger. Many daggers. Including one under his pillow.
“How was the party?” Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music. This shadow is acting totally independent of him. She’s asking a simple question of Azriel at the moment, and he CAN’T hear the music he believes that shadow might be dancing to. Lightsinger evidence, I’d say.
“Fine,” he said, and realized a heartbeat later that it wasn’t a socially acceptable answer. “It was nice.” LOL I will say here that Azriel has to make a lot of conscious effort in this interaction. He makes himself respond in a specific way, which is not language that was used to describe his interactions with Elain earlier in the chapter. This could totally just be because he doesn’t know Gwyn that well, and certainly that’s a big part of it, but I think there’s something to be said for the fact that he is still filtering himself here with Gwyn in the quiet.
Not much better. So he asked, “Did you can the priestesses have a celebration?”
“Yes, though the service was the main highlight.”
“I see.” LOL
She angled her head, hair shining like molten metal. More glowing-type stuff “Do you sing?” I love Gwyn.
He blinked. It wasn’t everyday that people took him by surprise, but... which is great! Elain surprises him with the headache medicine in ACOFAS, Feyre surprises him with her intuition and tenderness throughout. I think this indicates that they will have a significant relationship regardless of its exact nature. “Why do you ask?”
“They call you shadowsinger. Is it because you sing?”
“I am a shadowsinger— it’s not a title that someone just made up.” It’s super-duper interesting that they actually discuss the fact that he’s a shadowsinger. When Feyre meets Azriel, she is curious, but specifically doesn’t ask follow-up questions or for expansion on the ability. Why specifically remind us here that Azriel is a shadowsinger and that Gwyn sings? If not to foreshadow something related to the ability and Gwyn?
She shrugged again, irreverently. Az narrowed his eyes, studying her. “Do you though?” She pressed. “Sing?”
Azriel couldn’t help his soft chuckle. “Yes.” I love Gwyn. She is the reason I now realize a lot of what I’ve been doing in my life is irreverence :P
She opened her mouth to ask more, but he didn’t feel like explaining. Or demonstrating, since that was surely what she’d ask next. So Az jerked his chin to the sword dangling from her hand. “Try cutting the ribbon again.” I love this so much. Maybe it is romantic, but I think that’s debatable. What’s not debatable is that it’s completely charming.
“What— with you watching?” It’s actually pretty funny that in order to avoid giving a demonstration of something that makes him vulnerable and puts Gwyn in the role of expert he flips it and makes her demonstrate vulnerability while he is the expert. Gwyn might be quite a bit braver than Azriel in some ways.
He nodded.
She considered, and he wondered if she’d say no, but Gwyn blew out a breath, steadied her feet and balance, and sliced. A beautiful, precise blow, but it didn’t sever the ribbon. SEE? Brave. I love Gwyn.
“Again,” he ordered, rubbing his hands against the cold, grateful for its bracing bite and the distraction of this impromptu lesson. Distraction is a notable word here. Azriel’s thoughts don’t really ever stray from Elain and his turmoil throughout this interaction, that’s what the word distraction tells us.
Gwyn sliced again, but the ribbon remained unyielding.
“You’re turning the blade a fraction as it comes parallel to the ground,” Azriel explained, drawing his Illyrian blade from down his back. “Watch.” He slowly demonstrated, rotating his wrist where she did. “You see how you open up right here?” He corrected his position. “Keep your wrist like that. The blade is an extension of your arm.”
Gwyn tried the movement as slowly as he had, and he watched her self-correct, fighting against the urge to open up her wrist and rotate the blade. She did it three times before she stopped falling into the bad habit. “I blame Cassian for this. He’s too busy making eyes at Nesta to notice such mistakes these days.”
Azriel laughed. “I’ll give you that.” I sense a lot of compatibility, just, again, not sure it’s romantic.
Gwyn smiled broadly. “Thank you.”
Azriel dipped his head in a sketch of a bow, something restless settling in him. Even his shadows had calmed. As if content to lounge on his shoulders and watch. This is another line that I think offers the most evidence for something significant between Gwyn and Azriel. It’s lovely that she has helped to settle something restless in him with the distraction - and I think it’s important to note that it might not have done the same thing had he encountered Emerie or another trainee on the roof. At the same time, maybe it would have. Also love that his shadows like to watch Gwyn. Lightsinger/Shadowsinger evidence! This all being said, I can’t really think of an SJM romance that is built around a comfort zone. I can think of many friendships that operate that way, but not so much with the romances. There’s usually nervousness and flutters and passion and… restlessness, somewhere in there.
But— sleep. He needed to at least attempt to get some.
“Happy Solstice,” Azriel said before aiming for the archway into the House. “Don’t stay out too much longer. You’ll freeze.”
Gwyn nodded her farewell, again facing the ribbon. A warrior sizing up an opponent, all traces of that charming irreverence gone. I love Gwyn.
Azriel entered the warmth of the stairwell, and as he descended, he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. Could have sworn his shadows sang in answer. This feels VERY much like Lightsinger/Shadowsinger evidence. His shadows, as this chapter has demonstrated time and again, operate independently of him, and they react to Gwyn’s song. I also think it’s possible that Gwyn is sort of always singing, even when she’s not. Like she glows with song on some level, and that’s what his shadows are reacting to - because I don’t think she’d necessarily actually sing while attempting to cut the ribbon.
He slept as well as could be expected which means pretty much not at all y’all — he makes it clear he never expects to sleep well, but when Azriel returned to the River House to gather his presents before dawn, he found Elain’s necklace amid the pile. He pocketed it. Spent the rest of his day, even the blasted snowball fight, with every intention of returning it to the shop in the Palace of Thread and Jewels. How did the necklace get there??? Did Elain really put it there??? Seems like even more evidence that he assumes too much about her understanding of his feelings. Also, though, it seems really rude/OOC for Elain to do that. She gave up very quickly after he gave her a really thoughtful gift. SOMETHING’S FISHY.
But when he returned from the cabin in the mountains, he didn’t go to the market square.
Instead, he found himself at the library beneath the House of Wind, standing before Clotho as the clock chimed seven in the evening. Important to remember that this is one of the longest nights of the year, which means dusk is coming on later than it was when Nesta attended the evening service weeks/months prior- a service that started almost exactly when seven bells rang the time. It is very well possible that Azriel finds himself at the library as the evening service is happening. The one in which Gwyn sings. If she does have some kind of Lightsinger power in her, it may be that he was lured by that power instead of returning the necklace. Even if they always start at 7, he still arrives exactly at 7. The only point against this surmising that I’ve done is that Clotho led the service which Nesta attended, and yet she is here to greet Azriel. Either I’m wrong and the service is not happening at or around this time, OR the service can take place without Clotho occasionally, and this served the interest of the plot so that Az could speak with someone.
He slid the small box across her desk. “If you see Gwyn, would you give this to her?”
Clotho angled her hooded head, and her enchanted pen wrote on a piece of paper. A Solstice gift from you?
Azriel shrugged. “Don’t tell her it came from me.” Yes, it really doesn’t seem super romantic to re-gift a necklace to Gwyn. It just feels sour, if this is the start of a romance between them.
Why?
“Does she need to know? Just tell her it was a gift from Rhys.”
That would be a lie.
He avoided the urge to cross his arms, not wanting to look intimidating. He blocked out the memory that flashed— of his mother cringing before his father, the male standing with crossed arms in such a way that made his displeasure known before he opened his hateful mouth. This feels very important. We know VERY LITTLE about Azriel’s story, his past, and his family, and so I want to point out ANY and EVERY nugget we get!
“Look I...” Az searched for the words, his voice becoming quiet. “If there’s another priestess here who might appreciate it, give it to them. But I’m not taking that necklace with me when I leave.” I’m not exactly sure what it means that Azriel says this. It could be that he doesn’t want to make a thing of his potential feelings for Gwyn and so tries to deflect with this statement, both to convince Clotho and himself that it’s not about Gwyn. It could also mean that Azriel needed to be rid of the necklace, and wasn’t in the mood to fight with Clotho over an ultimately secondary (to getting rid of the necklace) impulse to give it to someone who provided him comfort and companionship at a time when he needed it.
He waited for Clotho’s pen to finish writing. Your eyes are sad, Shadowsinger.
He offered her a grim smile. “I lost the snowball fight today.” HE LOST THE FIRST SNOWBALL FIGHT IN 200 YEARS! And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because Gwyn made him feel better the previous night. I think he lost because he is in anguish over the situation with Elain. Again, I understand that anguish shouldn’t necessarily be a romantic thing, but in SJM’s writing it often is. This is a romance series, angst is a thing, stakes are a thing. It’s not necessarily the most healthy, but it’s also not all-the-way unhealthy. He just feels strongly about Elain and there are a lot of obstacles between him and finding a way to resolve those feelings for good or bad.
I am a counselor for folks who have and are dealt/dealing with sexual, gender-based, and interpersonal violence, and if you want me to do an analysis of all of the relationships in SJM’s writing that aren’t wholly healthy, there won’t be any left over. Except for maybe Sartaq and Nesryn. they really do have their shit together. I suspend a fair amount of my disbelief and professional knowledge in reading these books because I love them and they are fictional :) Also, relationships are complicated. It’s pretty rare for me to work with a client that has a cut-and-dry, black-and-white story.
Now, in my PERSONAL NOT PROFESSIONAL experience, shit is messy, and messiness, even in real life, doesn’t always mean something isn’t worth the strife. Though absolutely abuse and assault are a whole other thing. I think it’s really good to think critically about relationship dynamics in fiction, because it’s a safe place to do great learning and reflection. I also think it’s important to consider that the rules of our reality are not necessarily the rules of the reality being written by an author. Maybe you personally find Azriel’s feelings toward Elain (as they have been expressed so far) are beyond redemption, and are unhealthy to a point where the relationship cannot be salvaged. But that is not realistically a reason that the relationship in question won’t happen. Pretty much any negative/toxic assertions that can be leveled against Elriel based on the VERY SMALL amount of first-person perspective we have in the relationship could be leveled against at least a few of SJM’s other endgame couples. Totally happy to get into this more and provide those examples :)
Clotho was smart enough to see through his deflection. She wrote, I’ll give it to Gwyneth. Tell her a friend left it for her.
He wouldn’t go so far as to call Gwyn a friend, but... “Fine. Thank you.” Not sure what this means. Maybe just that it takes Az a while to open up to people and call them friends.
Clotho’s pen moved once more. She deserves something as beautiful as this. I thank you for the joy it shall bring her.
Something sparked in Azriel’s chest, but he only nodded his thanks and left. He could picture it, though, as he ascended the stairs back to the House proper. How Gwyn’s teal eyes might light upon seeing the necklace. For whatever reason... he could see it. And here we have the most romantic evidence for Az and Gwyn as a couple. Maybe he is falling for her and that’s why he can picture her smile. I really don’t know. I think it could also be that he is happy to be able to make her happy, in recognition of the comfort she gave him the previous evening. Maybe he can picture her because of her potential lightsinger status. Thoughts?
But Azriel tucked away the thought, consciously erasing the slight smile it brought to his face. Buried the image down deep, where it glowed quietly. The image glowing, again, lightsinger-supporting language.
A thing of secret, lovely beauty. So now he is referring to Gwyn’s smile here. This is interesting, because Gwyn’s smile wouldn’t necessarily be a secret, but perhaps it is if you think of her as being hidden in the library, or that he’ll know about her smile and her receiving the necklace even though she won’t know that he’s the one who gave it to her. Or maybe he’s drop dead in love with her! Another thing that I don’t think is true given his stony attitude post-Solstice (when Gwyn is very much around) and the fact that he doesn’t seem to react viscerally to Gwyn’s kidnapping until Cassian points out that bad things could be happening to both her AND Emerie, as well as Nesta. He knows Gwyn just as well, if not better at this point, as he knew Elain when he reacted to HER kidnapping in ACOWAR. He was very riled, he was the one who noticed she was gone, he vowed almost immediately to go get her, knowing it might mean certain death (to be fair, he seems to have a bit of a death wish, BUT he’s still a pragmatist and doesn’t try to WASTE his life on things - either they’re essential to the court and/or Prythian’s wellbeing or essential to someone for whom he cares deeply.)
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repost-this-image · 4 years ago
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“Canon” does not mean “moral:” A reminder to the FanPol
Okay, so I have a lot of feelings about the whole SessRin thing, so I’m going to post about it.
The first thing I want to point out:  Fiction set in another time period may depict things that we know today to be immoral, but which people at that time and place did not.  I am mentioning this up-front, because eventually some of the younger folks are gonna have to learn about Uncle Tom’s Cabin and Huckleberry Finn, and unless you keep this idea in mind, y’all are gonna have a really Bad Time in high school.
(More under the cut, to save your dash)
So in this post, I’m going to discuss several aspects of SessRin, and this also means I have to get one thing out of the way:
I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS SHIP.
I have grudgingly accepted that it is canon, but that doesn’t mean I have to like that it is canon, nor that I am totally okay with the way it is handled. (I am not.)  I am mentioning this, because I know that the Fandom Police are going to misconstrue this post as me being super into all sorts of Nasty Shit, and I am not.  (Also, some of that Nasty Shit isn’t even relevant to the SessRin ship in particular, but some folks don’t let petty things like facts get in the way of a personal vendetta.)
So let’s look at the several things wrong with SessRin, and why it happened anyway:
1.  Mayfly-December Romance:  Sesshoumaru is well over a century old (it’s implied he reached maturity before his and InuYasha’s father died), and Rin is a mortal human being.
Given that Sesshoumaru still views his wife as beneath him, it’s possible that he simply chose Rin because, as a human, she is less-powerful than he is and will thus be more inclined to submit to his will.  (Yes, this is abusive.  Buckle up; it’s not getting better.)
2.  Wife Husbandry:  Sesshoumaru is a sort of father-figure to Rin in the InuYasha series.  Sooooo creepy.
Yes, it is creepy.  It is not incest (as I’ve seen argued about people who are “like a father/brother/sister/whatever”) because they are not related, but it is still creepy.  (Yes, this aspect of the relationship is creepy for non-incest reasons!  A relationship doesn’t have to be incestuous or pedophilic to be shady AF!!)
BUT.  Also remember that Rumiko Takahashi has drawn from a lot of Japanese literature and folklore for InuYasha and YashaHime.  As gross as it is, the very first novel, The Tale of Hikaru Genji, has the titular character foster a young girl in order to ensure that she grows up into the Perfect Wife.  This practice, while super-shady, would have been considered normal in ancient Japanese culture.  Even Victorian novels often have the “foster sibling/child that you fall in love with later when they’re an adult,” and due to shifting cultural mores, they did not consider it at all weird or creepy.
It is okay for us to consider it weird or creepy, AND ALSO acknowledge that people in the culture depicted would not have considered it weird and creepy.
3.  Teen Mother, Adult Father:  This.  This right here is the reason I am squicked by SessRin, because I have Done The Math.   Hisui looks to be, at most, 3 or 4 in last week’s episode when Rin gives birth.  This makes her, at most, 16.  Relationships between adults and teenagers are based on an imbalance of societal power.  This makes them almost invariably abusive.
Is this less disgusting than Rin being 12?  Yes, but only because a 16-year-old is more likely to survive giving birth, and a 12-year-old isn’t at all.  Sesshoumaru does at least give the tiniest sliver of a rat’s ass, since he didn’t get Rin pregnant young enough that birth would rupture her pelvic organs, but that still doesn’t make this okay by modern standards.  We are right to be concerned for Rin here.  The differences in societal power and emotional maturity are the REASON why most people frown upon marriage to underage teens.  We recognize that teenagers are much more mature than, say, a 10-year-old, but that the difference between a 10-year-old and a 16-year-old is still Not Enough to make up for the big maturity gap between a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old.
(By the way, marriage at 15-17 is still legal in many US states.  Look up if yours is one of them, and call up your state legislature about getting that shit changed.  Also eliminate the parental-consent loophole, because a 12-year-old should not suffer just because her parents are okay sending her off to be molested by her new 30-year-old “husband.”)
But the sad fact is, while marrying a girl of 15 or 16 is beyond the pale nowadays, it was just barely within the realm of acceptable to feudal Japanese society.  Remember: this is a time period in which women weren’t supposed to have any real power, by design.  The inequitable nature of an adult-teen relationship was not all that different from the inequitable nature of a relationship between a man and an adult woman, because women were not allowed to have the same rights.  The obvious differences between a 15-year-old girl and an 18-year-old woman were simply Not Important to nobility in a lot of feudal societies, except that it meant that the younger person was more likely to submit and obey her husband/lord.
This is also why we have the sad situation in which Rin views her husband, not with the sort of regard with which Kagome and Sango view InuYasha and Miroku, but with the same childish hero-worship that we saw from her when she was an actual child.  She is too young to be emotionally mature yet.  This is why so many of us are angry about SessRin in the first damn place.
4.  It Glorifies The Relationship:  This one I think could go either way.  Remember, the idea of a girl in feudal Japan being considered marriageable at menarche was also mentioned in "Miroku’s Past Mistake.” In the manga version, when Shima says, “I’m 14 now!  We can be together,” Kagome’s immediate reaction is, “She’s even younger than me!”  It is clear that we, as the modern reader/viewer, are supposed to agree with Kagome that Shima is just too young to get married.
Meanwhile, let’s look at the kind of person Sesshoumaru is:
He doesn’t care about any human at all, except for Rin, and perhaps a bit for his now-sister-in-law Kagome.  He brutally murders humans throughout InuYasha with little provocation and no remorse.  He is not a good guy, even if he does consider InuYasha and his friends to be decent allies.
Sesshoumaru is still not a good person, y’all.  In S1E15 of YashaHime, he proves that he’s still not a good person by a) going over Rin’s head and taking their newborn twins from her with zero warning or concern about her consent, and b) “protecting’ InuYasha and Kagome by essentially banishing them to his father’s grave indefinitely.
So whether this depiction of SessRin is positive or negative depends largely on how you view Sesshoumaru.  Either way, his relationship with Rin was never “pure” in the first place.  He only protected Rin because he felt that she was different from other humans.  It’s not the kind of love that makes for a healthy relationship of any kind, be it parent-child, platonic, or romantic.  It’s the old, nasty “You’re not like other girls” line in a new guise.
5.  We Still Had Plausible Deniability Before S1E15:  No we didn’t.  This shit was telegraphed from the beginning of the series.  If it took the explicitly-stated fact that Rin had just given birth to Sesshoumaru’s babies for you to see this coming, then you are particularly unskilled at understanding subtext and foreshadowing and should probably work on that.
I came to terms with the unsavory fact that Rin was the mother of Sesshoumaru’s twins by episode 3.  I don’t like it; I especially don’t like the way it’s handled; it is still, however, a Fact that SessRin is canon now.  You can either accept the fact that YashaHime depicts an unhealthy relationship and cope with fanfiction like a normal person, or you can quit watching.  Either way,  nothing you or I do will change the fact that Rumiko Takahashi wrote the series the way she wrote it.
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theperplexityoftheunknown · 4 years ago
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What is a relationship to be continued
You may ask yourself why this is Important yet it is very important! We will discuss Why they are important to your well being and what type of person you are in a relationship? I think if you take the time to read this post in its entirety and intense complexity you will have a better understanding of where you are in life and what more you can become by understanding the perplexity of every relation to man or relationship because trust me THIS BABY is going to get TOUGH.
Lets start of with the first question what is a relationship
the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other. : a romantic or sexual friendship between two people. : the way in which two or more people or things are connected.
Please go ahead and read one more time because that may or may not be the closest thing of a relationship to that you have a mutual relation  and understanding of but its way, way more complex just keep reading.
Each relationship we have encountered has been determined by how we were raised Im going to refer to some quick psycho-social information coming from a study introduced during world war 2 by British psychoanalyst john bowbly, whose lonely childhood gave him a lifelong interest in the power of parenthood.
In the 1970s a test was conducted by Bowlby’s student Mary Ainsworth. She performed the strange situation test where children that's age ranged from 12-18 months were put  in a toy-filled room with their mother and given a chance to play. A stranger enters and interacts with the parent and child,then mom exited the room-- leaving behind a confused and alarmed little kid. A few minutes later mom returned and comforted her toddler. Needless to say being separated from the person who feeds, protects, and tends to you is frighting for any toddler, but the test showed definite categories of reaction to that fear.
Why is this important ?
Early Attachment.
As seen above you can see that a study was conducted concerning attachment styles. It's important because it is with this information that you find out what type of relationships You are going to be compatible with. Some types absolutely do not collide but if you think this is all about “how do i form a relationship” well keep reading because its not possible for everyone.
1 Secure, when it is evident to have a secure attachment style when the parenting style was: Warm, attentive,relatively consistent, and quick to respond based on that approach the child's Baseline Emotional Status (BES) would have been happy, confident, and curious which would have subconsciously continues into adulthood with the Child’s expectation of life being: My need will be met
2. Anxious -Ambivalent/resistant, it is evident to have an anxious attachment style when the parenting style was: Inconsistent: sometimes responsive and sometimes not. The Child's BES would have been Insecure, anxious, and intensely emotional which in return would have subconsciously continued into adulthood with the child's expectation of life being: “IF i act in the right ways, I might earn love and my needs may be met”
3. Avioident- ,it is evident to have a avoidant attachment style when the parenting style was: Distant and Cold, or harsh and critical. The child's BES would have been Emotionally shut down which in return would have subconsciously continued into adulthood with the child's expectation of life being: “I can't trust anyone to meet my needs. I must meet my own needs.
Im sure your getting the idea of why this is now important
Lets looks at three statements
1 I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
2. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or doesn't want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.
3 i am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others:  i find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than i feel comfortable being
In 1987 psychologist cindy hazan and philip shaver reported the results of the statements above  they called it the ‘love quiz’
56% of adults respondents had identified themselves as secure, 19% as anxious and 25% as avoidant
The perfect combination
Secure people tend to have the most secure relationships, and a relationship needs only ONE secure partner to get that stability. With a partner who is happy to give reassurance and isn't threatened by the idea of being needed, an anxious person can relax, and is often loyal and loving. With someone who doesn't take it personally when their partner wants time alone,avoidant people can worry less about being tied down- however, most of the compromises in the relationship will likely be made by the secure partner. The real problem comes when two insecure types get together. If relationships often get messy for you, learning to recognize attachment styles and understanding how they clash can give you a path through the conflict
But then again Here comes perhaps the most perlex question i can ask? What happens in adult hood when you experience the pain and turama of a heartbreak?
What particularly does that do to each individual and how do they cope?
Do some people perhaps just shut down! Absolutely not! One subconsciously gains the ability to cope with their losses how? Lets start with:
Sexual compulsion – Relationship with sex, attachment and sexual orientation
I know your wondering What the Fuck where did this just turn to but trust me, or dont but you may or may not want to hear this or perhaps your brain craves the knowledge to understand and you ask yourself why your life is working in the way it is; remembemer its all in you!
I believe the first coping skill for some may be Hypersexuallity which I will refer to later.
2. I believe a conduct Disorder  DSM-IV-TR 314.9 Is primary consistent with feelings of Emotional shock from a previous ‘heartbreaking’ or traumatic event.
I will explain. I'm going to refer to the diagnostic features of conduct disorder which manifest itself  as a repetitive and persistent pattern in  which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated. These behaviours fall into four main groupings” Criteria A1-A7 aggressive conduct that causes or threatens physical harm to other people or animals .
Or see criteria A8-A9 nonaggressive conduct that causes property loss or damage Or see A9 - A13, DECEITFULNESS OR THEFT
It is definite that promiscuous behavior is dangerous therefore someone engaging in Criteria a1-a7 w/o aggression and associated with parts or in hole with A8-9
Furthermore  the prevalence of conduct disorder appears to have increased over the last decades and may be higher in urban than in rural settings.
Course.
Individuals with conduct disorder are at risk for later mood disorders, anxiety disorders, somatoform disorders, and substance related disorders.
Sexual addiction, also known as hypersexual disorder, is associated with serious psychosocial problems for many people.
Sexual addiction, which is also known as hypersexual disorder, has been associated with serious psychosocial problems for many people although it has not been recognized as a disorder that merits inclusion in the DSM (Quadland, 1985) – see Karila et al. (2014) for review. Originally, Carnes (1983)published a book titled Out of the shadows: Understanding sexual addiction, which has raised interest in the area and facilitated a discussion on the best way to define and diagnose the disorder. Despite different views about pathological characteristics of sexual addiction there is an agreement that this is a progressive relapsing condition which does not merely refer to a pathological diagnosis of sexual lifestyle that is socially deviant (Edger, 2010).
Sexual addiction involves compulsive behaviors such as constantly seeking new sexual partners, having frequent sexual encounters, engaging in compulsive masturbation and frequently using pornography. Despite efforts to reduce or stop excessive sexual behaviors individuals find it difficult to stop and they engage in risky sexual activities, pay for sexual services and resist behavioral changes to avert HIV risk (Carnes, 1991; Coleman-Kennedy & Pendley, 2002; Coleman, Raymond & McBean, 2003; Kalichman & Rompa, 1995). Sexual compulsivity has been associated with the number of unprotected vaginal sex acts with female sexual workers, lower self-efficacy for condom use, greater use of illicit drugs, and more financial need (Semple et al., 2010).
Cognitive and emotional symptoms include obsessive thoughts of sex, feelings of guilt about excessive sexual behavior, the desire to escape from or suppress unpleasant emotions, loneliness, boredom, low self-esteem, shame, secrecy regarding sexual behaviors, rationalization about the continuation of sexual behaviors, indifference toward a regular sexual partner, a preference for anonymous sex, a tendency to disconnect intimacy from sex, and an absence of control in many aspects of life (Carnes, 2000, 2001; Carnes & Schneider, 2000; Coleman et al., 2003; Coleman-Kennedy & Pendley, 2002). Finally, some studies find that sexual addiction is associated with or in response to dysphoric affects (Black, Kehrberg, Flumerfelt & Schlosser, 1997; Raymond, Coleman & Miner, 2003; Reid, 2007; Reid, Carpenter, Spackman & Willes, 2008; Reid & Carpenter, 2009) or stressful life events (Miner et al., 2007).
Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1979, 1982) argued that early attachment experiences affect personal and social life, professional relationships, dealing with stress, mental and physical health and cognitive development. According to recent developments in attachment theory, those who developed a safe attachment style which is not anxious or avoidant during infancy can form healthy relationships in adolescence and adulthood and handle life problems (Uytun, Oztop, Esel & Mdusunen, 2013). Individuals with secure attachment are expected to have low chances of becoming addicted to sex since they regulate and limit their sexual activity more than those with insecure attachment (Zapf, Greiner & Carroll, 2008). Furthermore, individuals who are addicted to sex are looking for sexual activity without the need for emotional relationships and they are more likely to be characterized by avoidant or anxious attachment (Gentzler & Kerns, 2004).
Gay men are diverse with respect to the sexual behaviors they both desire and enact (Moskowitz & Roloff, 2010; Sanderson, 1994). Moreover, gay men differ from other groups in their sexual behavior. Research shows that, on average, gay men have more partners, engage in more risky sexual behavior, and are more likely to seek sexual sensation than other groups, such as heterosexual men, women and lesbians (Bailey, Gaulin, Agyei & Gladue, 1994; Ekstrand, Stall, Paul, Osmond & Coates, 1999; Thompson, Yager & Martin, 1993). But among homosexual men there is variability in the propensity to engage in compulsive unprotected sex. Meyer and Dean (1995) have reported that about 6% of their 149 young New York City gay men (aged 18–24 years) engaged in very high risk behavior, defined as unprotected receptive anal intercourse with multiple partners. It appears that very high risk takers are qualitatively different from other risk takers: they reported more mental health problems, including more drug use and higher levels of internalized homophobia and AIDS-related traumatic stress response. Furthermore, there are moderators of sexual behavior among gay men such as being in monogamous relationships. Also sexual health and sexual health behaviors for example sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) were most influential over the enactment of sexual behavior or desires (Moskowitz & Roloff, 2010).
Few studies investigated sexual compulsivity among heterosexual and homosexual men. Furthermore, to the best of our knowledge, the relationships between compulsive sexual behavior and attachment and sexual preference or orientation have not been investigated before. We have therefore investigated sexual compulsivity and attachment style among populations of heterosexual and homosexual men and women. We hypothesized that secure attachment would be associated with lower rates of sex compulsion. Secondly, that homosexual men and women would show higher levels of sexual compulsivity than heterosexual men and women. Thirdly, we hypothesized that attachment style might mediate between sexual orientation and sexual compulsion.
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theholistichedonist · 4 years ago
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Soul Fragmentation and Inner Child Work
“we are the most important project we will ever work on”
(affirmations at end)
a question that i continuously ask myself recently, always, 
Who am I?
constant conformity has me begging for the unusual, unique, and unregulated views i possess.
too much of one thing is never a good thing
where am i? 
how can i find myself? 
questions i have and answers i had found myself looking for externally
through peers, parents, and past
i wasn’t finding the answers, it ultimately lead myself into hermit mode, recluse status
i found myself in bed most of the day, not patient enough to close my eyes and actually dig for my answers yet, but a knowing of something
spinning my wheels with all the projects i was fucking forcing to the bitter end, i burnt out
this Gemini was hiding in a basement with the blinds closed binging on Gaia and praying for a miracle.
All these fucking emotions,
what the fuck, i’m feeling!
the great purge had begun
it felt so weird to turn my brain off ‘go mode’ and feel into my body
the repressed emotions, horrible parenting (w/ no fault to my parents), and what are coping skills?
i started RE-PARENTING myself
the little baby HH that was crying and scared in the corner from neglect, lack and abuse. 
i would visit her and hold her. i would care for her and kiss her wounds. it was the most powerful thing i had ever experienced before.
i had shut my past out and tried to lie and hide my past for years. i had blocked my little girl me completely out of my life and it was me who ultimately needed me
i cried for a week straight like a little baby, couldn't leave the house because i was either anxious AF or in fear I’d be at the cashier and she would trigger me in some way and i’d start crying lol
i looked at myself and was like wtf who is this?
OH RIGHT it’s me lol
begging for attention, my baby inside was like feed me!! She hid in the corner, cowering away from me because i had neglected her for so long, ignoring her pleas and emotions
so i gave myself my full, undivided attention
i would feel these emotions, sitting with them and healing the parts of me that had been closed off and fragmented from my human self for protection of being lost forever
all these visions and pictures of how horrible i had grown up (truly because I felt misunderstood and had my own path to forge), bullying, rejection of myself and from others, constant people pleasing with a resentment behind it, all the anger i had pent up inside of me so much fucking rage just ready to explode,  i would see how lonely i was and how horrible i had truly felt all my life up to this point just flash before my eyes
i lacked love, from and for myself
i forgot to consider my own needs
i neglected the emotions that pair with experiences to give us the answers we crave
in hindsight, with no fault of my own - to blame will not help us heal
we all choose our ‘Sacred Contracts’ before birth in the 3D
how would i ever get to know myself with so much judgement and resentment behind my motives?
simple,
Open you heart space to the highest frequency of All That Is
removing the filter of the EGO and relishing in the presence of your soul
where this is no judgement, no pain or suffering
it just is, all that is, Love, Compassion, Understanding, Gratitude
i had came to realizations that helped me dig, search and heal my fragmented pieces of my soul and welcoming them back with love and ACCEPTANCE
and ultimately opening myself up to the Divine Abundance and Greatness that this Universe naturally exudes and amplifies with the help of us
that’s why we’re here y’know, to help and heal, to give and receive, w/ no one more worthy or deserving than the other. Equal, but with different paths!
remember this: I am worthy of all my desires just because I am alive
Abundance is our birth right,
it is the programming that has been layered on top of our soul and mind that blocks that abundance from coming to us
whether it be a belief of unworthiness, hidden anger towards a situation or person, having to suffer to receive was a big one for me, that life was meant to be hard and difficult
all these beliefs are fucking lies that we tell ourselves or have been told, and these are just some of the beliefs some of us carry with us
not to scare you or overwhelm you this is more to help you open your mind and see where your programming effects you - we have 1000′s of faulty beliefs and 95% of them didn’t come from us they we’re imprinted from other people, situations or institutions
and they can be released without having to search endlessly for them
and that’s where Theta Healing came into my life,
i realize i haven’t explained to those who may not know what Theta Healing is and i will do just that:
Theta Healing is meditating in your Theta brain wave state that through healing will bring you closer to your Higher Self/Soul/Creator with physical, psychological and spiritual healing of programs and beliefs that are holding us hostage in our subconscious mind.
we become our true selves.
it’s the purge or societal views, back home to your soul and higher self
here i thought everyone else was the problem, and now i’m like ooooohhhh right it’shmeeee
to make a short story long:
I have been working with R for 4 months now and my life has made a complete 180 and lead my to find my purpose with helping heal the collective and grow into a higher and expanded consciousness of awareness.
from drug abuse, alcoholism, self loathing, pushing forcing and swimming upstream for most of my life, lost ad confused, looking for a cliff, and this aching need to figure shit out
to now where i am still resting, breathing, smiling, feeling, and releasing 
in complete serenity and tranquility, most days lol
but the point being is that now i know how to process these emotions, and i’m learning about WHO I AM, dissolving the EGO and seeing the full picture, myself
why am i feeling this way?
is this good or bad, and is this a belief that is worthy of releasing (if bad always yes lol) release that shit, you’re too good to be carrying a backpack of crap lol put the damn shit down
and here I am, still not sure who the fuck i am but i have a way better idea of it today than i did a few years ago and i really do thank Theta Healing for my growth, it’s been life changing and I’m so excited and blessed to be here sharing this with you, definitely something that used to be miles away from my comfort zone
releasing the belief that it is unfair, unsafe and ung-dly to be seen and to put myself out there. 
replacing with:
i give myself permission to share love, wisdom and confidence with those who need it because i am worthy and deserving of being seen and receiving recognition for my efforts
legit if you want to know more about Theta hit me up lol it’s fucking mind blowing
some affirmations for you beautiful souls:
I am open to the abundance and greatness the Universe offers
I am divine
I see and feel the support I have from Source
I am a divine goddess worthy of all that I desire
I am worthy of love and appreciation - because i have found that love of yourself is what brings in abundance on all levels (including money) 
My voice matters
My feelings matter
My opinions are important
I let go of my past insecurities and focus completely on feeling confident, secure and independent
Love, Peace, and Joy are what I know
i choose to live through the open space in my heart . I look for love and find it everywhere
My mind is cleansed and free. I leave the past and move into the new. All is well.
There is a joyous release of the past. Life is sweet and so am I
All Healing and health is flowing to me now
I am always safe and protected
I am confident in my full recovery
I am learning what my body needs to be in a perfect state of health
It’s my time to heal
I deserve great health, wealth and abundance
I trust myself
I have the courage and strength to enjoy my life, no matter what comes
I let go of perfectionism and thoroughly enjoy myself here and now
I free myself from the past and take actions that reflect my life purpose
I am supported by life
I awaken the self healing power within me
I show my strength through releasing all beliefs that no longer serve me.
thank you thank you thank you 
and so it is
love you,
HH
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augustmnvu889 · 4 years ago
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Depression and Its Negative Consequences
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Many women in developing nations experience depression at some time in their lifetime. Even though there's absolutely no clear evidence of a connection between postnatal depression and SIDS, it's a possibility that some of the moms who die from SIDS are miserable. This is one of the many forms of prevention we can use in reducing the risks of low birth weight babies. The potency of the general antenatal depression therapy, therefore, depends upon if the postnatal maintenance the mother receives aids to stop or lower the chance of SIDS.
Girls who are experiencing this type of depression should consult their physician immediately so that therapy could be started punctually. It is quite normal for girls to be gloomy after delivery but the signs of the disease are often not noticed first, making matters worse. Hence, if you're concerned about your girlfriend or wife being depressed, then you should take her to get an ultrasound and have a consultation with your physician. A doctor can then help you discover the reason behind the symptoms by asking questions, conducting evaluations and on the lookout for signs of physical illness.
Then there are biological explanations. If a woman is pregnant, her body will alter radically. She will become larger in terms of weight. Her skin will change in texture and look and so will her general appearance. These modifications are totally normal and frequently go unnoticed by the girl herself, except for those who are very close to her.
The first step is to reassure the individual that she's healthy and safe. This helps her to concentrate on her new baby, which will help her to relax. The next step to the parents and the individual is to set up a support system. The focus should be on creating the mommy feel needed, supported and valued.
o Inability to enjoy life. Lots of women who undergo the pains of childbirth and infertility have a tendency to lose interest in different activities they used to enjoy. Some even stop going out entirely, or decide to cancel societal events from fear they will cope with too much anxiety following a huge event. Other folks begin to withdraw from friends and loved ones. If you observe these symptoms starting throughout your pregnancy, you should see your health care professional immediately to discuss whether one of these symptoms are caused by your own pregnancy, or in the event that you could be experiencing postpartum depression.
The whole period of breastfeeding will affect the baby's exposure to postnatal depression but is unlikely to have any impact on its severity. If you feel anxious about breastfeeding then talk to your physician. You might desire to breastfeed your baby for longer if you're breastfeeding for over half a year or if you are undertaking specific breastfeeding courses. Breastfeeding should continue until your infant is six months old but there are no studies which show any significant difference in the prevalence of depression in breastfed infants.
Researchers have not established one particular cause for post-pregnancy hormonal deficiencies or the other associated causes of SAD. However, the results of some studies have indicated that SAD may be associated with a genetic component. Particularly, the corresponding author has conducted her own studies on this matter and has concluded that there is a significant relationship between new Zealand twins whose https://www.nowbabylive.co.uk/blood-tests-in-pregnancy/ mothers had elevated levels of SAD (Supplementary Figure 6, accessible on line from the writer ) and their individual birth weights (Supplementary Figure 7, available online from the publisher). What's more, a significant association was found between SAD and low birth weight in a sample of African American Malaysian children (Supplementary Figure 8, available online from the publisher).
Last but not the least, you can contact the main rd from castlemaine Vic 3450 when you are experiencing any kind of problems or difficulties. This is the fundamental place for your council. If you are feeling isolated and miserable, you may speak with staff at the primary rd to find out what you could do to assemble a support team, which is usually comprised of other moms. Discussing with other mothers during their pregnancy may provide support, ideas and information on how to deal with the various issues surrounding pregnancy and parenting.
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b-124a-p-224 · 6 years ago
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Thank you BAP for 7 Best Absolute Perfect years ♡ ~ January 26, 2012 - January 26, 2019
Today’s the big day! The day BABYz and BAP have all been waiting for: their contract expiration!! 
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Although I know many of us are ecstatic, others are uncertain about BAP’s future as a group. However, we can’t forget that BAP are a group of 6 individuals; whether they choose to form their own agency, join a new agency, become soloists or sub-units, or even decide to pursue a different path in life, they gave us their all for seven (7!!!) years! Some fans are newer BABYz, many are literal babies (I can’t believe their are fans who are born after 2000 omg 😭), a lot of fans have been here since the beginning, and then there are those of us who joined somewhere along the way. It’s incredible to see how quickly these past 7 years have flown by, but no matter what point in time you chose to become a BABY, I’m sure you’ll never forget Yongguk swearing in Ta-dah (no matter HOW HARD BAP WANT US TO FORGET TA-DAH lol), Youngjae’s bubble tea and ice cream songs, Himchan asking what “hurricane” is in English, Zelo crying to distract from the fact that they completely messed up the prank in One Fine Day, Jongup’s voice crack when performing “Skydive” live on the radio, and Daehyun telling BABYz to be nice to TS and promptly getting laughed at for recommending something so stupid. 😂 I mean, we literally saw BAP grow: remember when they debuted they were all the same height? Yeah, didn’t last very long, did it! 😅 
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Not only did they grow physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Their lyrics and video messages also matured, and we were blessed enough to be fans of a group that openly discussed sensitive issues like racism, the societal pressures on today’s youth, corruption in our governments, and the stress idols face in their personal lives. They were also known for being the first K-Pop group to experiment in Trap music (”Badman”), the first group to debut with the “alien” and “warrior-like” boy group concepts (EXO also debuted later that same year with an alien concept), and became known for their lyrics criticizing issues that had previously never been discussed about in depth such as the music industry and government (all these things which are now staples in K-pop).
BAP have set so many records and have won dozens of awards, but the thing I think is impossible to count is their love for us. I mean, could you imagine going through life without BAP? I know for a fact that since I’ve become a fan of BAP, I’ve become a better person because they helped me understand that I’m a human that makes mistakes and that I live in a crazy world, but that I can be the change I want to see! They’ve shown me how to love and how to be loved in ways I never though possible! Their music, their way of life, and the way they treat each other and BABYz shows just how much they love us and how proud they are of us! I mean, did you ever realize that BAP love us unconditionally?? DID YOU EVER REALIZE THAT EVEN WHEN WE THINK WE ARE UNLOVABLE THAT BAP STILL LOVE US??? AND THINK ABOUT ALL THE BABYz WHO LOVE YOU TOO!! Can you imagine being so loved by so many people? Well believe it, because you are. 💞
Setting aside the music, videos, variety shows, and the boys themselves, the thing I think that was the most beautiful about being a BABY was...being a BABY. Can you imagine going through life not knowing the friends you had met because of BAP? The friends I’ve personally met are people I consider my very best friends. Even though we’re miles and timezones away, and whether we talk every day or once a year, I couldn’t imagine life without them. Sharing in times of happiness (aka comebacks) and sadness (aka lawsuit) is something we all know as fans of BAP, but sharing those moments with friends is something that I personally will always treasure. These past few years for me became really difficult at many points, and I don’t know how I would’ve coped emotionally had it not been for my BABY friends. I know for sure I would have been friendless if I didn’t have my BABY friends supporting me lol. 😅  
Although our fandom is small, sometimes I think we truly underestimate just how much of an impact we have; and sure, our influence on Twitter trends and chart rankings may be small, but our love and support of the people we love is the strongest I’ve ever seen and felt, and to me that means so much more (and I’m sure it means the world to BAP too!).
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In these past 7 years, BAP has grown so much. But make sure to realize just how much you’ve grown right alongside BAP. And just because these past 7 years are over (and so is the contract with TS can I please get an AMEN and HALLELUJAH!!??) it doesn’t mean that everything is over. The end of one thing is the beginning of another. I can’t wait to see what happens in the future with both BAP and BABYz, and I sincerely pray that there are only good memories from here on out. Taking the time to really think about what BAP and BABYz mean to me would take forever to write out (and this post is already long enough lol), but I’d like to sum it up with a quote we often hear BAP saying: let’s always walk on a flowery path. 
Whether our path is covered in flowers or even if there are some thorns we have to step on along the way, let’s always look towards the future ahead. As six, BAP held their hands together and walked on an unknown path full of ups and downs, but they came out shining in the end. Let’s grab their hands and walk alongside them towards our new unknown with bright smiles and happy hearts.
Thank you BAP and BABYz, for the Best Absolute Perfect 7 years of my life. 💚
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ceruleanhail · 5 years ago
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Letter #17: Someone From Your Childhood
Dear Reading gang,
The other day, a Twitter mutual tweeted on whether if we’d ever think back of the past, of old best buddies and connections, and how are they at the moment. I didn’t ponder too much, because to me, I am still keeping in touch with the people that mattered from the past...
... But today, I remember you three, and I pondered about your lives; I remember seeing one of you, but you changed so much. The other, we tried keeping in touch, but you disappeared from social media. The last went MIA after primary school ‘til today...
In the past, we were quirky and talked of fantasies and magic. We were kids of different groups, but bond under the love for novels. Today, I wondered if you guys still keep that magic in your hearts. Or have you grew up, thriving under societal expectations and demands? Perhaps you have married, started a family, and are focused on nurturing the next generation? 
Sometimes, there is that odd feeling of being stuck in time. Where everyone is progressing towards life, and I am not. In fact, it felt like I’m walking backwards instead. Perhaps that is why I dislike gatherings and reconnecting with others; other than not liking big groups and noises, I dislike seeing changes and feeling that I have never changed much. I dislike reminiscing the past with people who were not close to me to begin with, or rather, so-called best high school memories that people tend to cherish were nothing much to me.
However, if there’s one thing I missed, it’s the courage to be creative... because writing feels so hard these days. It had been a difficult puzzle to solve: is it the busyness of life? Have I lost interest and “grew up”? Is it just procrastination? Or unnecessary pressure I’d exerted on myself? Putting words down here felt like fighting over a choked grip around my neck, and when the words are out, it just felt wrong, like it shouldn’t exist (but it should, it’s okay, everything’s okay, just take baby steps, says the rational part of the brain).
Perhaps that’s why I thought of you guys. Because I remember those crappy stories that I’d written during my childhood-- a story that is ripped out of a game and thrown into a mixed pot of fav novel ideas/concepts, riddled with grammatical errors-- and I remembered showing to you guys, unabashedly. And now I wonder, where have my courage went? Since when did I became like this? Why is it so hard to speak up now, without worrying of burdening anyone, without feeling guilty or ashamed of sharing? Rationality dictates that there’s no need for sharing, that my problems have solutions (and lies mainly in me), and it’s minuscule compare to others; emotionally, though, I felt constipated. And perhaps my body and subconscious knows, because it sought out others even before I could register what’s happening. I felt both rejuvenated and empty, because while I felt better with company and connecting with others, I wasn’t able to articulate what’s bugging me. 
Is this why my fingers brought me back to this place? To this letter writing? Because I seemed to turn to this when I’m hitting rock bottom?
It’s so easy to offer comfort and consoling others sometimes, because I can feel and empathize their pain. Or perhaps I’m just offering comfort, because that’s what I wanted? And through helping others would be how I found my own salvation? Or perhaps I admire their courage to vocalize their pain, knowing that I’d never be that way, and that’s why I wanna help them. For vocalizing pain is like screaming for help, and I want to grab those hands and tell them that they’re not alone in their pain, that I’m here.
Do you guys have people you’d share your pain with? I hope so. I know one of you do, but for the two who disappeared from social medias, how’s life? How do you cope with sadness? Are you living the life you desire? Are you happy? (Are you still alive?)
Life will always be a work in progress. I know I’m a work in progress, but it’s terribly hard sometimes especially when one feels alone (except one is never “alone”, “alone” is a choice, one can always reach out, you can always reach out, you have reached out, says rationality). To have put these words here, maybe that’s the start of flipping those bad tables into something good. 
I will survive.
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dvstbunny · 5 years ago
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hey my friends!! i am finally bringing in my danzig fc which i have meant to do for literal month but i always struggle with him the most muse-wise and i’ve revamped this particular muse with his fc multiple times... so we’ll see how well it goes this time and fingers crossing i can keep him around! this muse of mine may be a little less active at the moment while i try to find my footing with him, but i’ll be trying my very best! four is usually the maximum of muses i can keep up with because i prefer being as active as possible on my muses rather than sporadic and i had to debate long and hard about picking up another, so we’ll test the waters and see how it goes and if it doesn’t work out... it doesn’t work out! anyway he’s the most chaotic energy second to cy so... enjoy
TRIGGER WARNINGS: eating disorders, violence, cults, drugs, alcoholism, neglect, abuse
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{ Dustin ‘Dusty’ Graves } is { 28 } originally from { Suicide Creek, Canada }. They spend their time as a { model, hairdresser, and drummer of Avant-Garde Society }. They live in the { The Chalet } and have been known to be { callous and flamboyant } but can also be { moxie and cosmopolitan }. They strongly resemble { Dustin Bates } and go by { he/him } pronouns.
name: dustin solara graves
nicknames: dusty, dustbin, dustbunny
birthday: may 25, 1989 (age 28)
hometown: suicide creek, canada (later los angeles, ca)
occupation: model, hairdresser, drummer of avant-garde society
orientation: panromantic pansexual
relationship status: single
children: none
education: bachelor’s in scientific research, cosmetology license
VARIOUS INFORMATION AND FACTS:
call him bash if you’re not close to him and he’ll probably kick you in the face
though his mother is originally from canada, he was born in paris, france, where she had moved a few years prior to his birth to follow the love of her life, a french businessman. the businessman wanted nothing to do with the baby and she was forced to return to canada and unable to afford him with her occupation, she abandoned him at an orphanage and subsequently, he grew up never knowing who either of his birth parents were, only his birth name
essentially raised in a monastery, one would think he would grow up to be rather religious. instead, he had too many questions and received answers that didn’t quite satisfy him and started to gravitate toward analyzing every piece of religion in the monastery that he could grasp and unfold it in a way he thought was most logical
throughout his childhood, dustin was extremely alienated by other kids in the monastery and the lack of attention and connection with the other children prompted him to begin growing more and more bitter with every passing year as he got older and began to vie for negative attention from the others and positive attention from the adults at the monastery
with a knack for exploring, he made a terrible mistake when he was around the age of eight: he wandered off the property and into the woods in the canadian winter. being he was still an adolescent with no cellphone and too deep in a place that he had no idea how to find his way out of, he found himself lost and unable to make his way back to the monastery and as the night hit and temperatures dropped, the cold and hunger began to set in, distressing the young boy
miraculously, a local hunter came across him a couple days later when an angry bear (likely woken from hibernation by starvation) tried to attack him. managing to get away with only a few scratches, the hunter took him back to his cabin to clean him up
to his misfortune, he wouldn’t be going back to the orphanage. this hunter in the middle of nowhere seemed to have darker intentions for him: as part of a strange- and likely satanic- cult, he wanted dustin to learn from his ways. those ways were not the kind any eight year old should ever be raised by, though, often violent and bloody with other people who were typically strangers and animals, acts of violence served as a marker for the older man’s idea of salvation or worship
living the rest of his youth in the middle of the woods like this, aside from going to school, he reluctantly took a part in what this father figure wanted from him. given he was so young when he was taken in, he never really thought to get out of the situation, simply letting it be for what it was. hating every minute of it, school became his only escape, opting to stay there as much as he could to work late on science projects that would win him hefty prizes and acknowledgements from his peers
his father figure was baffled by his love for education and instead of receiving pride for his excellent marks in school, dustin was physically and verbally abused with the accusation he was putting too much focus on it and not enough focus on the homefront. outside of his accomplishments, his father figure took little interest in what he did outside out of the house and often ignored him when he wasn’t expected to be doing something. frustrated by his father figure’s lack of care for him, he began acting out again, which only led to more violence between the two
eventually, the neglect and the abuse he received when he acted out took a toll on him, and he grew up to be a rather selfish person, and became incredibly guarded and mistrusting of letting other people in, struggling to make connections and holding people at arm’s length
he swore to himself that when he graduated at eighteen, he would never see him again and make a better life for himself. on the day of his graduation, he packed all his belongings up and quietly left the house, only to dump it elsewhere in the woods on the way to the high school and set fire to it with gasoline. after the ceremony was over, he asked his friend to help him get to los angeles on account of obtaining a full ride scholarship to attend as a student in the department of science at USC
almost immediately, he was signed onto an eight million dollar modeling contract with men’s vogue, and he couldn’t think of anything else he had ever dreamed of as much as that moment in time, free to stay in the country and as far away from his father figure as possible
ever a popular person, he quickly excelled and made his way through the business, getting to know all kinds of people in high places and experiencing the luxurious life for himself on his own- the good and the bad sides of it
though he had delved in plenty of partying in his high school years, and dabbled in social drug use at said parties, he never developed an addiction. when he was in hollywood, everything changed, starting with the development of his addiction to alcohol when he was nineteen, finding it as a way to cope and to tone down the harsh shades of his personality that blossomed as a result of his childhood
as always, the modeling business wasn’t as glamorous as it seemed, either. behind closed doors, he faced pressures to either lose weight or dehydrate himself in order to gain the illusion of the “ideal” body image of men- naturally wanting to keep the business happy and unable to deal with the anxiety every time he looked at the scale and felt as if he were still missing the mark, bulimia and anorexia reared its ugly head in dustin’s life
among the societal expectations of the modeling business and the partying, he faced other abuses that often remained hidden. someone was too rough here and there during a photoshoot- a manager, maybe- and he would leave covering a bruise, or the sketchier photographers of the business would drug him out of his mind to achieve the intended “look” and “aesthetic” of the shoot. in a way, he felt that at least on the bright side, it deterred him from ever considering doing drugs again, disgusted and mortified by the experiences he would endure, and at times still does
dustin chose to turn his life around when he was twenty, convinced by a mentor that he should check himself into rehab after news that cy’s sister was involved in a drunk driving accident that nearly killed her and cy’s brother, reluctantly- and grudgingly- giving in to accepting help from others, coming out the other end feeling more rejuvenated than he had in the past several, miserable years
life went on and he continued the same routine of frequent travel and business calls and so on, so forth over the next few years, purchasing a summer home in paris, and he graduated with his bachelor’s in scientific research a year early at twenty-one with high honors
unfortunately, the road to recovery couldn’t last forever, and he slipped back into the arms of his vices when he was twenty-two, drinking himself out cold one day when he was twenty-three and waking up in a hospital on the premise of a friend finding him and concerned by his extremely low pulse
luckily, the situation was enough for him to receive a wake-up call loud and clear and taking it upon himself this time to check into a rehab facility, searching for his own happiness and perhaps a scrap of self-love. at this time, he decided to take up cosmetology school on the side of the band he ended up in at twenty-four and managed to obtain his license
lacking confidence in himself to remain on steady ground after the first round, unable to find it in himself to make up for his lack of self-love, the sobriety only lasted until he was twenty-seven and he found himself crashing and burning back into old ways when he moved to queens in the big apple, entranced by the bustling life and atmosphere of it in a lonely way that drew him back to his demons
still has an apartment in los angeles and a summer home in paris, owns his own cosmetology studio in queens where he primarily deals with hair, but has other employees specialized in nail art. still a science nerd but isn’t really sure what he wants to do with that degree at the moment
despite his wayward upbringing, he remained to have a strong moral compass and actually grew to despise violence and lack violent tendencies
has a hobby of photography and painting, a soft side he doesn’t expose to many people to avoid being taken advantage of more than he already is, has never owned a pet in his life because he can barely care for himself, and can come off as an emotionless void with how terribly guarded he is, incredibly vain to the point he has to fix his hair when he walks by a mirror and has a rather sarcastic sense of humor
despite seeming like an asshole outright to try to keep people from getting close to him, anyone with patience or kind words can quickly gather that he is nothing short of a gentleman when it comes down to it, very hard-working and dedicated, and underneath a seemingly selfish personality is just someone who’s never experienced much affection and likes to pretend he’s allergic to it
probably carries a comb in his pocket, trims his own hair over his bathroom sink, wears nerd glasses, lives off of takeout but is an exceptionally decent cook, too many suits in his wardrobe and not enough normal clothes, passed out in the afternoon unless it’s work-related, and would stab someone in the back if he was given a reason to, terrible habit of smoking and cannot make coffee to save his life, lives life in the fast lane
still actively struggling with his alcoholism and eating disorders, starting to slowly come apart at the seams over the last year in the city out of struggling to make connections that really seem to matter
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buckmink · 7 years ago
Text
Night Flight
In which Garnet goes for a walk and runs into somebody unexpected.
Garnet emerged from her temple room, careful to step quietly so as not to awaken Steven, whose light snores sounded throughout the house. She couldn’t help but take a moment to stop and smile fondly at him sleeping so peacefully. Lion, who lay atop Steven’s bed next to him, half-opened one eye in a lazed gaze and gave Garnet a small grunt of acknowledgement before rolling over and dozing off again. 
 With that, Garnet set off outside, gingerly closing the door behind her. Leaning on the balcony facing the ocean, she closed her eyes and took in the cool, salty breeze. It was incredibly refreshing. Upon opening her eyes, she was greeted by the sight of the full moon; its pale yellow glow illuminating the dark indigo sky and the deep blue tide. Against this backdrop, Garnet stepped onto the beach ready to begin a needed night walk to clear her head.  
 Focusing on the feeling of the sand on her feet and the sounds of the crashing waves against the shore, Garnet headed towards the water. She held her arms out and raised her head unwavering, allowing the sea water to cascade down upon her several times. She stepped back after several minutes, shaking herself dry and regaining composure. Letting the waves descend upon her and wash any physical tension that built up in her body was incredibly cathartic. Therapeutic though it is for her, this particular ritual is one which she did not care to explain to anyone, not even Pearl, Amethyst or Steven. Not that she was ashamed of this particular ritual, it was simply easier for her not to have to explain it to anyone. 
 Stepping away from the surf, Garnet headed toward the northwest side of the coast around the temple. Treading the sands with a relaxed gait, she casually scanned the beach until she spotted a glowing green fleck in the sand. She crouched down to pick it up and upon inspection it was a piece of the Gem ship that crashed down nearly 2 years ago. She frowned. She thought they had combed the beach free of the debris but it was an inevitability that trace amounts would remain serving as a reminder of the looming threat of Homeworld.
  Whoosh! 
A sudden gust of wind rushed in behind Garnet nearly sweeping her off her feet and scattering the sand forward in a huge flurry. Looking in every which direction, a bemused and shaken Garnet attempted to discover the source of it. Whatever it was, it was not from the usual atmospheric changes as the skies were calm and the breeze was light. Garnet made sure to pay better attention to her future vision. On nights like these when she went on her walks, she made more of an effort to ignore her future vision in order to relax. However, with a potential threat on the horizon she could not afford to do so this time. 
 She continued her walk away from the temple keeping her guard up until she came upon some caves carved into the cliffs over time by the wind and the water. She entered one of the caves. Moonlight dappled through the cavern roof openings both big and small illuminating the puddles of water within. In order to get a better look around to ensure she was alone, Garnet lit up the room with the gems on her palms and with a keen eye spotted a shadow of a figure flee into the darkness. 
 Garnet smirked. Using her power, she could determine that whoever was hiding was no threat to her at the present time, so she picked a dry elevated surface at the mouth of the cave to sit down and chill. Business as usual, though the constant shuffling from the unexpected presence was really ruining the vibe. 
 "I know you’re there Lapis Lazuli. It’s alright, you can come out,“ Garnet said calmly.
 A blue Gem in a dress and a crop top crept out of the darkness slowly approaching Garnet. She let her gaze roam from Garnet who was looking straight ahead to the cave entrance. Her movements betrayed her indecisiveness at wanting to either escape confrontation or stick it out. She chose the latter and settled down next to Garnet. 
 She greeted her with a simultaneously wary and deadpan “Hey." 
 "You could have just flown away you know. And yet… you chose to stay and sit here with me.” Garnet remarked, staring into the distance.
  Lapis hugged her legs close to her chest. “Yeah, well don’t think it’s because I wanna be all ‘buddy buddy’ with you or anything. I just figured if I didn’t, you’d question me about this later. Might as well get it over with I guess.”
 Garnet raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Heh, the Lapis I’m familiar with would try to avoid this exact situation.” 
 "Ha! You’re one to talk Ms. I-can’t-let-anyone-see-my-weaknesses-so-I-use-isolating-coping-mechanisms-to-deal-with-my-stress. At least, I’m taking baby steps,” Lapis snapped wryly. 
 She continued speaking after a short bout of silence, cocking her head towards Garnet. "Bet you’re wondering how I know all this right? Well, being trapped in a mirror, you get to see and hear everything within earshot and viewing distance of those using you whether you want to know about it or not." 
 At this, Garnet stared down shifting uncomfortably but turned her head back towards Lapis as she continued. "Let’s just say that in between your numerous sessions of using me to admire yourself, I’ve heard you say things about expressing doubt about your capabilities of being a leader and living up to uh… her… uh Rose Quartz’s legacy as one too.”
 "Ah, I see.“ remarked Garnet. 
 "Heh,” Lapis bitterly chuckled. “Do you? Do you see?! You and the others used me without a second thought and that’s all you have to say to is ‘I see?!’”
 "I-I’m sorry…” Garnet said, remorse echoing in her voice.
 Lapis turned her head towards her, making an effort to look at her. “Hmph. Better late than never I guess. Well, uh I’m sorry too.” She gestured twirling her hands vaguely. “Y'know, about everything that I did to you guys like stealing the ocean and losing control with the whole Malachite situation and stuff.”
 Her chest heaved as she sighed deeply. “And everything else I’ve done too. Jasper… Peridot… you all… I’ve hurt a lot of people. I don’t expect forgiveness, but it feels good to actually get the chance to really apologize to someone I’ve hurt. I-I’m sorry I snapped at you like that. It’s just… you know still hard… living with those memories and not having them be acknowledged by those who hurt you. It just felt dismissive, y'know?”
 Garnet reached out her hand to put a reassuring hand on Lapis’ shoulder reflexively, but pulled away when she thought better of it considering the still delicate state of their relationship. Things were finally going in a positive direction and she didn’t want to ruin it, so she decided to proceed carefully with her words. She removed her shades revealing soulful, apologetic eyes, looking at Lapis as she spoke. 
 "I understand. I-I’m glad that I’m getting the chance to apologize to you too. You know… even as a Fusion formed from two very different types of Gems, I, as well as Ruby and Sapphire, still have internalized a lot of Homeworld’s toxic societal influences. To deny someone their autonomy and put them in an object and use them without a second thought… Even though I didn’t put you in the mirror, I-I’m deeply ashamed that I was complicit in using you like that. I emphasize consent when it comes to fusion, but when it came to your situation I…“ 
 Her eyes welled with tears, but she quickly brushed them away. "I… didn’t give it a second thought, but… I should have." 
 She gave a heavy sigh. "We all have things to unlearn and we all have to take responsibility for the things we’ve done that have hurt others. I’m glad that you’re starting to do that and I hope I can continue to do the same. Again, I’m sorry." 
 A somber silence followed as Lapis and Garnet both stared at each other, the only sounds in the cavern being water droplets falling from the stalactites into the shallow pools and the roar of the waves echoing on the inside. Lapis was the one to break the tension. She stood up and took a few steps towards the cave entrance and turned around to face her, rubbing her shoulder bashfully.
 "Hey, uh thanks… for keepin it real with me. I’m gonna leave now but I was thinking that, you know since I kinda barged in on your destress sesh and all that I could make it up to you by taking you on a night flight with me. That’s how I destress. Maybe you might like it too." 
 Garnet was taken aback. "I’m appreciative of the offer, but I’m very surprised you want to do this considering everything." 
 "Truthfully, I don’t really know what’s come over me right now either. I just wanna try to move forward now that we’ve actually talked about it and this is my way of doing it,” Lapis shrugged.
 "Well… alright. I’ll take you up on it!”
 Lapis approached Garnet and scooped her up now cradling her in her arms. It felt a bit strange for Lapis at first all things considered but she was determined to see this through.
 "Alright keep your arms and legs inward while in the air. We’re about to take off,“ ordered Lapis as she materialized her wings and prepared for takeoff.
 With a massive beat of both wings, Lapis and Garnet shot up into the air above the beach and set off disappearing into the clouds. Garnet didn’t know where Lapis was taking her but she didn’t care to ask. She just wanted to enjoy the ride. Also, she never asked questions. Ever. It was just her way. 
 The scenery below changed gradually as they flew further from temple and Beach City. Sandy beach transitioned to lush forest which in turn transitioned to green countryside. Though she was enjoying herself immensely and wanted to continue further, Garnet knew that she needed to return before dawn and so told Lapis who turned around back towards the temple.
 Garnet felt Lapis shift her arms a few times adjusting her position in her arms. It was evident that she was getting tired. 
 "Don’t drop me now!” Garnet remarked playfully. 
 A small smirk crept across Lapis’ face and a few seconds later Garnet found herself in the water.
 "Woops!“ 
 She disappeared beneath the depths for a few moments and reemerged finding the blue gem playfully flying circles around her with a shiteating grin on her face. Garnet simply shook her head at her.
Lapis stopped in front of her and shrugged tauntingly. "What? You said not to drop you 'now’ so I dropped you a few seconds later!" 
 "Having future vision, I really should have seen that coming. Good thing I’m a really good swimmer,” Garnet commented dryly, turning her face to one side in an effort to hide a grin.
 "Heh, sorry had to take the opportunity to have a bit of fun with you!“ Lapis said crossing her arms casually.
 "Eh, it was pretty funny. You have a good sense of humor Lapis!" 
 "Pssh!” Lapis scoffed trying to hide a blush. 
 "Heh,“ Garnet chuckled. 
 Lapis scooped Garnet up from the water and they continued their flight in silence. When they reached the beach, Lapis dropped off Garnet in front of the sea cave from where they had taken off. 
 "I’m glad we ran into each other tonight Lapis,” Garnet smiled.
 "Yeah, same,“ Lapis replied, sheepishly rubbing the back of her head. 
 "You know…” she continued after a pause. “If we ever run into each other like this again, I could take you flying around again or whatever.”
Garnet smiled at her. “I’d like that.“
 A long pause followed thereafter until Lapis broke it once again with an unintentionally abrupt: 
 "Well, uh goodnight!” And flew away into the night.
 "Goodnight Lapis!“ Garnet shouted after her waving goodbye. Lapis looked over her shoulder and waved back.
 From that night thereafter, they both made arrangements to meet each other every so often to have conversations that they felt they couldn’t have with anyone else. There were other times when there would be a comfortable silence between them, both enjoying whatever the night had to offer wherever they decided to go or stay.
EDIT (8/21/18): Fixed some awkward wording.
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