#trying to figure it out when you dont even feel particularly human is not for the weak

[crushed-gh0st]

any other autistic individual in a weird relationship with gender?

gender, for a lot of people, is tied to social norms and expectations, but if you don’t naturally perceive or experience those the same way, then it’s like trying to navigate a maze you were never meant to be in. and when you don’t even feel entirely human to begin with? that just adds another layer of what the hell am i even doing here.

and i, for one, genuinely have such a complicated relationship with it. like i wanna look ethereal and i want my gender representation to confuse people and genuinely think "what the hell is that." when they look at me. but i also want them to go all "dude", "guy" and "man" with me naturally. like.... i'm comfortable being a man. but i also want you to not be comfortable with me being a man. does that make sense?

the idea of being masculine but in an untamed, elemental way, like an ancient tree or a celestial being. it's not about traditional manhood, but about being a presence, a force, a concept that exists outside of rigid definitions.

if anyone asks me next time, i'll just tell them my gender is "ancient and vaguely menacing but also kind of comforting in a way you can’t and shouldn't explain."

or "have you ever found a really a cool rock? or the best stick of your life? a dead animal by the side of the road with it's rotting carcass looking weirdly peaceful? yep, that's me dude."

OR "liminal space but make it dude."

OMG EVEN BETTER "forbidden knowledge but in a bro way"

i'm a man, but not in the way you expect. a man the way a mountain is a he. the way a forgotten god in a half-ruined shrine is a he. the way a wolf that lets you get just close enough before vanishing into the trees is a he. the way you refer to literally ANYTHING as a he when you don't know their sex.

it’s the feeling of standing at the edge of a cliff at night, hoodie on, hands in pockets, staring into the void like, sup.

a little unsettling, but in a way that makes people want to grab a beer with it.

maybe my gender isn’t a thing that can be named in human terms. maybe it’s a shifting, untamed presence: something old and strange, like the sound of wind through abandoned places or the way certain forests feel like they remember you.

maybe your gender isn’t meant to be understood either. it just is.

be yourself. be weird.

[bigassmoth]

How some Tokyo Debunker fellas behave after theyve started trusting you

Romeo: Trusts your insights. On the surface the same. He is only concerned with what you can do for him or how you reflect poorly on his self image. He still yells at and orders you around shamelessly. But there is no one else- not even Taiga- who can get him to actually calm down. You use this talent sparringly, only interjecting when you feel is necessary. But all it takes is a specific look or tone from you for Romeo to concede. He will take in a deep breath and let out a long sigh as he forces his body to relax. Once he has physically tamed his nerves you offer advice or assistance which he sincerely considers. He genuinely listens to you but dont expect any credit for his sudden brilliant idea (which is to just follow your suggestion).

Haru: Trusts your capabilities. He has always been fond of you but it took a while for him to trust you. Not because you are an untrustworthy person! Not at all! But Haru is always trying to have everything under control, you are so inexperienced he keeps a close eye on your every move. When working with animals and anomalies, inexperience can be lethal. It isnt until you prove a capable Towa wrangler that Haru trusts you. He realizes you do best with intelligent anomalious animals- and feels comfortable leaving you alone with them. Haru has always appreciated your help but now he sees you as greatly capable- and keeps singing your praises everywhere.

Leo: Trusts your lameness (convictions). He thought you were like most people, obsessed with money, power, fame, or any combo of the three. After you proved to be disinterested in pursuing such transcient things- Leo figured you were just a meek idiot. But to his frustration you were neither and it became apparent that you valued human decency (gag). Leo trusting you has no benefits whatsoever- he is now more annoying and rude than ever. You are forcibly roped into his schemes because he can "rely on an NPC to follow basic instructions". In actuality he trusts your character and becomes protective (and possessive) of you.

Jin: Trusts your ???. Doesnt even realize he trusts you so much, is still in denial about it. Once when you were collecting more paperwork Tohmas left in Jins room, he got vulnerable. It wasnt intentional, he has no idea why he did it, and he actively avoided you for the next week (much to Tohmas amusement). That day was particularly gloomy and you made a pot of tea to enjoy before running the papers to Darkwick General. After a sip of his cup Jin had said "I miss my mom". The look of shock and saddness in your eyes is what made him disappear like Zenji for the following 7 days. He is regrets it but the weight that it lifted to say that, is palpable.

[moonselune]

hi there selune ‼️‼️ before, and if u read this, i apologize for my lack of better word, horrid fucking grammar, and minimal wording knowledge. Sending u love from germany ! (Write this in english though, if that wasnt clear)

alright, so, we all know about shadowhearts like .. phobia, of wolves, right? Can you write about the ladies (if not all of the main ones you write for, just shadowheart, since this was inspired by bbgirl herself) with a wolf selkie (if that exists, unsure!! Took inspo from Ursula, from the series Enchantment) s/o?

i feel like the initial/first encounter would be them thinking its just some random mutt and theyre like 'oh fuck yeah protein' but then tav throws off their big fat wolf hood coat cloak thing .. what-friggin-ever, and theyre like 'oh fuck yeah women' (or just .. g/n. I dont care)

thank u if u decide to write 🫂🫂🫂 this blog is much appreciated. Tschüss ! <3

Hallo!! don't even worry, i got what you meant completely xox

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shadowheart x F!reader | Woman in the Woods

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The woods were quiet, save for the crunch of Shadowheart’s boots on the forest floor and the erratic thrum of her heartbeat in her ears. The aftermath of the nautiloid crash had left her disoriented, hungry, and desperately searching for direction. As she wandered, her eyes caught movement ahead—a sleek, dark wolf prowling through the underbrush. Its amber eyes locked onto hers.

Shadowheart froze. The blood drained from her face as the sight sent a jolt of fear through her. A childhood phobia, irrational but deeply ingrained, rose like bile in her throat. The wolf wasn’t particularly large, but her mind magnified its size and ferocity. Her fingers trembled as they wrapped around the hilt of her dagger.

“You need to do this,” she whispered to herself, her voice a shaky mantra. “You’re no child. This isn’t the time for weakness. Food, Shadowheart. You need food.”

The wolf didn’t advance; it merely watched her, head tilted slightly. The longer she stared into its eyes, the more she swore it wasn’t a wild animal at all. There was an intelligence there, a flicker of something almost human.

“Steady,” she hissed, trying to still her quaking hands. She shifted her weight, preparing to lunge.

But before she could strike, the wolf straightened, its body shimmering in the dappled sunlight as it reached up… and began to peel away its fur. Shadowheart stumbled back, dagger raised, her breath catching in her throat as the creature transformed before her eyes.

It wasn’t a wolf. It was… a person.

No, not just a person—a figure of striking beauty. You stood there, your wolfskin cloak slipping from your shoulders to reveal a lithe, strong frame beneath. Your eyes, still the same molten amber as they were in wolf form, met hers, and you raised your hands in a gesture of peace.

“Don’t attack,” you said, your voice smooth and calming. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

Shadowheart’s mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. She stared at you, utterly dumbfounded. Her dagger hovered uselessly in her hand, her earlier resolve forgotten.

“You… you’re—” she began, her voice faint. She quickly shut her mouth, realizing how foolish she must look gawking at you like this. She swallowed hard and straightened her spine, trying to regain some semblance of composure. “What in the hells are you?”

You smiled gently, picking up your cloak and draping it over your arm.

“A selkie,” you explained simply. “I take the form of a wolf when I wear this. It’s how I’ve survived in these woods.” Your gaze softened as you gestured toward her dagger. “You looked like you could use some help.”

Shadowheart blinked at you, her mind racing to catch up. A selkie? She’d heard of them in whispers—beings of dual forms, more myth than reality. And yet, here you were, standing before her with an easy confidence that left her both awestruck and flustered.

She quickly averted her eyes, hoping you wouldn’t notice the faint blush creeping up her cheeks.

“I… I see,” she said, her voice stilted. “Well, you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. I could’ve—”

“Killed me?” you teased, tilting your head. “I’ll admit, I’ve faced better odds than an unarmed woman trying to skewer me for dinner.”

“I am armed,” she snapped, waving her dagger for emphasis. “And I’m perfectly capable of—”

“Finding your way through the forest alone?” you interrupted gently, your tone turning more serious. “You don’t have to, you know. If you’d like, we could join forces. Two are better than one, after all.”

Shadowheart’s first instinct was to reject the offer. She’d worked alone for so long, trusting no one but herself, that the idea of relying on someone else felt foreign and uncomfortable. But as she looked at you—at your confident posture, the kindness in your eyes—she felt a flicker of something she hadn’t felt in a long time: hope.

“I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” she said begrudgingly, though her tone lacked its usual sharpness. She hesitated, then added, “If you slow me down, though, don’t expect me to carry you.”

You chuckled, draping your cloak over your shoulders. “Fair enough. Shall we?”

She nodded, falling into step beside you as you led the way through the trees. Though she didn’t say it, she found her gaze drifting to you more often than she cared to admit. Something about you unsettled her—not in the way wolves did, but in a way that left her heart beating just a little faster.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

This was so fun to write and such an interesting concept, I hope you guys enjoyed it!! - Seluney xox

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[squidpedia]

Hi! I wanted to ask for advice on finding an artstyle, I've been drawing for sometime but I still dislike my style.

Thank you in advance :D.

Hi hiii

Whenever my artstyle gets kinda boring to me, I try asking myself questions to figure out what exactly is it about my artstyle that I don’t like. Things like what is it about my art that feels boring to me while this other’s artist’s work excites me? What makes me most insecure about this piece? What do my favorite artists do in their artworks that I don’t do?

This isn’t to put yourself or your work down, make sure to go out of your way to still note anything you like or are particularly proud of in any of your artworks, you work hard on your art and that deserves to be appreciated, even if your artstyle isn’t quite at where you want it to be yet! But this is mainly what I do to try to address reasons my artstyle isn’t giving me as much joy, and what changes I can make that might make me happier. Most of the time I can’t really put my finger on what it is that I dislike about my art, so I keep these questions in the back of my mind while I try experimenting through doodles and messing around with my style in each one. Have some doodles dedicated to things you dont normally try in your artstyle. Varying eye sizes and distance from each other, some doodles with different ways of stylizing noses, trying varying levels of realism vs cartoonishness when drawing characters, and trying different brushes if doing this in digital art. If any specific doodles jump out to you as kinda neat, take note of whatever you did in that doodle and try it more often!

(Sorry i was doing this in a hurry but definitely couldve utilized more full body shots, varying poses, face at more side angles, coloring styles, would 100% reccomend experimenting with that too. But this is mostly what those batches of experiment doodles usually look like for me)

As always, it doesn’t hurt to also study other artists’s whos stuff makes you so happy and figure out what it is about their art style that excites you so much. Whatever that may be, think about if its something you want in your own art style and try replicating and practice doing it if you do want to take your art in that direction.

Quick example from me but november 2023 i remember starting to feel super uninspired with my artstyle. I asked myself what felt like the most unrewarding part of the process for drawing and realized the answer was my lineart. At the time I was seeing a lot of @/bixels ‘s artwork of drawing mlp characters as humans from the 1920’s americana and was so delighted by their lineart. I kept experimenting with brushes in my doodles and realized that using the gel pen reminded me somewhat of bixels’ art, so I took that and ran. It was a neat change after a while of having thicker lineart and actually having fun with pressure sensitivity and how the brush is able to taper.

This is what i found works for myself so im not sure how well it applies to other people or if i worded everything well, but I hope its at least a bit helpful in some way!

[badass-queer-couples-battle]

Gay wrongs tournament, round 1 of the major bracket

Propaganda:

For Eve and Vilanelle:

They quite literally are a wlw murderer couple. And I love them very very much.

Villanelle is a joyfully murderous psychopath assassin and Eve is the investigator trying to catch her who Villanelle seduces Eve into enjoying her own more murderous side. Villanelle does a Ton of murders (including of a tech bro billionaire), Eve also does some murders. It’s a good time.

THE murder wives!!! no explanation needed!!!

they got canon homoeroticism AND murdered together <3

For Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu:

you've got the founder of the fantasy ancient Chinese CIA and the leader of what is essentially the mafia and then they're soulmates and in love. they're both willing to kill anyone who dares hurt the other while also just wanting a soft domestic life together

Zhou Zishu is an assassin and spymaster who put the current Emperor on the throne, and then quit his job by faking his death (kinda, hes still dying but not as fast as he was supposed to). Had done A Lot on his old job, including murdering children (more than one, and at least one of them in a way I can't even describe without several trigger warnings), exterminating whole families, war crimes (and i dont mean this in a buzzword way, i mean "organized a public execution of foreign diplomats during war time")… btw he doesn't feel particularly bad about any of this, because he believes it was necessary. Like he wouldn't do it for fun, but he thinks the ends (putting a good Emperor on the throne) justified the means (all of the atrocities). As a retiree, he definitely cut down on the amount of morally reprehensible murder, but not murder in general. He still routinely kills ppl, he just doesn't go out of his way to kill more. Wen Kexing, meanwhile, is the Ghost Valley Master - Ghost Valley being a place where the worst of criminals are exiled. Even in such a place, he has reputation as a complete lunatic, owed partially to the fact that he either skinned a man or fed him his own flesh or both at one point, and partially to him having a rule where he would kill anyone who came closer than 3 meters to him. But in truth, everything he'd done was to survive the Ghost Valley and eventually take revenge for his parents, who were brutally murdered when he was only nine. By the start of the novel's timeline, he put his plan in motion - the plan that would drown jianghu in blood, but also deliver poetic justice to all responsible for his parents' deaths, as well as all who'd commit the same crime given the chance. And these two men, these two murderers and schemers, meet - and unexpectedly, find in each other the person who /understands/. The person who is just as ruthless and whose hands are just as bloody, but also the person who knows standing at the top of the world is not worth it, who seeks the same freedom of leaving it all behind, and who is still, underneath it all, a human, with human heart seeking connection. So you have this couple who understand each other with barely a word, and who want the same things - who are so hungry for domesticity and for people they can just goof around with when all their lives they had to measure every step and word - but ALSO where one half a couple is like "i gotta go murder hundreds in revenge" and the other half is like "ok pick you up at 6". (This btw is why I'm submitting novel's iteration of the couple in particular. Show wenzhou with their ridiculous breakups over morality could Never.) Also they were both hiding who they are when they first met, and later flirted about having figured each other out. Finally, I'll leave you my favorite quote that just. perfectly sums up their relationship: "And just like that, they fell asleep in each other's arms, steeped in the smell of blood."

You’ve probably already had submissions for them but I’ll add on. One of them founded an assassin’s guild and killed a staggering number of people. His malewife is the leader of a sect of insane murderous outcasts, and he attained his position by proving to be the most crazy and murder happy of them all. Most of the plot involves him wandering around watching his schemes get more people killed. Together they adopt a kid that was only orphaned due to said scheming (oops). They’re terrible and I love them.

[ninzwz]

is there something specific about celestes movement that makes you enjoy it so much? do you have any personal criticisms/problems with it? youre really pretty. how did you discover your current music taste? whats your favorite form of text to read (eg books, fanfic, social media, etc)? yaoi? if you were to design your own movement system for an original game, what would it look like? do you have any thoughts on human-ness as a personal malleable identifier? peanut butter? favorite aesthetic? do you have a general moral philosophy in explicit terms that you apply to daily life? have you ever had a fear of others perception of you? do you like milk? chain or 'rope' leashes? are there parts of your identity that seem nonexistent or irrelevant to the people around you but seem very important to you? do you think of yourself as an original or creative person? your keyboard sounds really good and it makes me happy to listen to. do you have any topics, images, media, etc that you often want to bring up/talk about/post but dont get the chance? im very sorry if this is too much. please forgive me.

oh this is amazing i love this

okay let's go through it one by one

is there something specific about celestes movement that makes you enjoy it so much? i think it's just the fact that it lends itself so well to gaining insane amounts of consistency while still being challenging. i used to play iwbtg fangames, and theyre pretty cool but i simply just gravitate towards really hard platforming, and higher level fangame platforming is kinda ass i think, it's just full of frame perfects and feels really frustrating and inconsistent. celeste, it has so much depth yet everything is usually pretty reasonable to get consistent at eventually. i just love how possible it is to build consistency very high :3 also, 3903 hours and i still learn more about the game often which is kinda insane

do you have any personal criticisms/problems with it? hmmmm uhhhh. it's very hard to think of any, at least. WAIT i figured it out. Fucking core blocks. Evil . they are liftboost scam Hell. wish liftboost scams didnt happen in general tbh. steerable move blocks my enemy!!!! there's probably some more minor grievances i have with specific aspects but theyre never too big of a problem and sometimes can be cool to work around :3

youre really pretty. woah thanks. here's a picture of me and my friends in bed

how did you discover your current music taste? this one's kinda hard to answer, i feel like it's just constantly evolving. i've always liked pretty much all types of music! it's mostly just i listen to the music other people listen to and im like. oh thats good. then i obsess over an artist or album or song for a while. ive been listening to and seeking out some rap recently which i havent really done before. i don't actually usually listen to much new music but i've been getting better at that

whats your favorite form of text to read (eg books, fanfic, social media, etc)? yknow i havent been reading as much as i should. i should read more actually just Reading a book would save me. i shjoudl do this

yaoi? not particularly i wish they were girls

if you were to design your own movement system for an original game, what would it look like? realistically, the only scenario where i'd do this is if it was a shitpost, and it'd suck and have horrid quirks. but if i were to actually try, id go for something unique iunnoo. something Crazy. it'd be crazy .

do you have any thoughts on human-ness as a personal malleable identifier? maybe not fully sure what this means but i think not being fully human or human at all is awesome :3 like personally, i'm very much Actually quite cat. sometimes i have epic regression moments where im closer to a little kitty than anything else really. but even not during those, being cat is fun and just the best way for me to be

peanut butter? is pretty good i think. don't have it much but it's cool when i do

favorite aesthetic? aggressively queer

do you have a general moral philosophy in explicit terms that you apply to daily life? hmm . i guess not really ? i can't think of an answer to this right now at least. i just try to be "good" (COMPLEX) to people especially trans people. and sometimes i fail, sometimes im not even trying to be good and just do a bad thing. but that doesnt make me a bad person it makes me a normal person. everyone makes mistakes and i try to be compassionate for that i guess. Again especially to trans people i dont give up on trans people easily

have you ever had a fear of others perception of you? oh i used to be terrible with this i used to have 0 self confidence and 10000 insecurities. but at least now i am a different person who i love

do you like milk? yeah :3 especially choccy milk . did you know i have made milk. like my tits i still think thats crazy

chain or 'rope' leashes? both seem pretty cool :3 i've only had experience with non chain ones. chain ones seem more dog right ? im cat . kbity

are there parts of your identity that seem nonexistent or irrelevant to the people around you but seem very important to you? this is rly interesting. well definitely something is i feel like people don't view me as creature cat freak enough. i rarely get "it"ed and everytime i do it's so joyous and makes me like actually rly happy.

do you think of yourself as an original or creative person? id like to think so. i feel like most of it is not being afraid to try whatever insane art shit comes to my mind. if i felt a need to conform to "normal" standards for things i just wouldn't create anything, cause i cant do most Normal forms of art conventionally good. well i could if i learned but i dont wanna. instead i just make Whatever i want and i think that leads to very unique creations. i should make more art

your keyboard sounds really good and it makes me happy to listen to. yayyyy! yknow i used to get so many comments about how my keyboard sounded ass, but it was just because my audio setup was rly not good. i love my bloody b820 w/reds, this ones been going strong for almost 2 years. it's a good keyboard

do you have any topics, images, media, etc that you often want to bring up/talk about/post but dont get the chance? okay. so i was gonna say world of goo but i talk about that all the time. was my childhood etc etc love it so much. but ACTUALLY something i never talk about, cause like NO ONE relates. fucking boom blox for the wii. that was the shittttt. and like No one's played it but it was also my childhood. i know one person who ive seen talk about it and she hates me 😭

im very sorry if this is too much. please forgive me. this was very fun and i do not forgive you

[thewomancallednova]

The Child

so yeah

season 2

THERE ARE PUPPIES ON THE ENTERPRISE HOLY SHITTHIS IS HUGE I MEAN LIKE NOT THE PUPPIES THEY WERE TINY BUT THEY JUST PUT THEM ON THE SHIP AND THEY WERE SO CUTE

ahem yeah

so anyway

lotta changes

you can tell they really looked back at season one and tried to improve things. i can respect that even if i dont love the results.

So Riker has a beard now, which feels weird, Crusher has been unceremoniously transferred to Starfleet Medical, there is a new doctor who is just starting today, the ship now has a bar and a bartender, Wes has a new uniform, Geordi recently became chief engineer, Worf is wearing security colors now.

Here's my little pet theory on Geordi being chief engineer. I think when they did season one they figured that a clasically trained stage actor like Patrick Stewart wouldn't wanna keep doing a sci fi telivision show forever, so they set up Riker and Geordi as possible future CO and XO. And then it turned out that Stewart fucking loves playing Captain Picard and was never gonna stop doing it and now they had to do something else with Geordi. And since Worf already took Security and Data is effectively science officer and Wes is also at the conn, chief engineer is the logical empty spot to fill with a main cast member.

"A few hours on board and already she's found Ten forward" dude i have been onboard for twenty-six episodes and I haven't found Ten Forward yet!

But like jokes aside, Guinan is obviously amazing. Very mysterious, very likeable, well acted. But I am still curious how long Ten Forward has been like. on board? Like has it been on the ship throughout season one but we never saw it? Is it a new installation? I dunno it just seems weird to me.

tbh i dont like love ten forward as a set, but I'll reserve judgment for when I've seen more of it.

The new doctor, Pulaski. I like how they set her up initially as already being lax with her position, only for it to turn out she was doing her job. Also Diana Muldaur is just a generally likeable actress. Which is great, because she's also mean to Data :( She says that his touch is worse than that of a human and disrespects his name. That second scene is particularly funny, because she asks "Dah-ta" to come over to look at something and Data just corrects here without making any attempts at looking what Pulaski wanted him to look at.

There is this really strange moment at the start when Picard and Wesley enter the turbolift and Wesley talks about leaving the Enterprise and Picard just has this really long and human silence, before he says his line and it's really good.

I really like the Wesley C plot in general, it's only like four scenes, but him talking to Picard is great, him talking with Guinan about wanting to stay on board is great, him talking to Guinan about Guinan is greater, and the bit at the end with Picard giving him permission to stay is also really good.

When Picard asks who is gonna take responsibility for tucking Wesley in every night and after a moment of silence Worf just deadpan goes "I will accept that responsibility" i laughed so fucking hard.

In the B plot, it's not really a lot going on, but I did like the scene where the science/engineering/Pulaski people try to figure out why the thingiemagic is breaking down and they discuss possibilites.

Really glad that Chief O'Brien, eh I mean, Battle Bridge Conn from Encounter at Farpoint, made a reappearance!

I also find it funny that there are dedicated primary school teachers in Starfleet working on ships. Like. That woaman was wearing a Starfleet uniform. She's not a civilian. She went through the Academy and got assigned to the most coolest ship in the fleet. At the post of teaching the children division and grammar. And I think that's awesom for her. But also mildly amusing. Also according to Memory Alpha she's the first non-com in Trek, so everyone who loves Chief Miles Edward O'Brien say thank you to Miss Gladstone for paving the way<3

Oh also it's said that the puppies are only currently on the Enterprise, which has the amazing implication that Starfleet has puppy ships that take litters of puppies from one ship to another for morale improvement.

So yeah I did a great job at not talking about the fucking plot of this episode, huh?

Wanna know why?

The plot: Carol Danvers wakes up to find herself pregnant, and the pregnancy moves at an astonishing rate. She gives birth in the Avengers' medical examination laboraty. The process is strangely painless and the child grows quickly, and posseses unusual intelectual abilities. It soon turns out that the child has impregnated Carol as a means of entering this physical world and oh fuck i was accidentally summarizing the worst issue of Avengers and not this episode of Star Trek my bad

but yeah, the similarity is striking, although Avengers #200 is still infinitely worse.

I am disappointed by how little this episode centers Troi. Like she gets magically pregnant, gives birth really quickly and has a fast growing child for like two days. Surely she has feelings about that? That the episode should explore? But beyond her wanting to keep the child, I think I know more about how Worf feels about how weird this situation is, than Troi feels about it.

Also hella weird that they called a conference about what to do with the baby. I am very glad that Picard immediately respected Troi's decision, but it still fucking sucks that she had to listen to a bunch of uninvolved people shout about the merits or missed opportunities of if she should get an abortion. Especially since there are no security implications here at all. Like there is not a single piece of evidence that this is in any way dangerous for the ship.

I wonder how this would have played out if Tasha still was chief of security, with her home planet and all that.

And yeah, if I didn't make it clear so far, I do not like this plot. I don't like that Troi gets impregnated without her consent and barely her knowledge, I don't like how Picard and the rest of the crew (minus Pulaski) handle it, I don't like how little Troi's feelings about this are explored, beyond not wanting the child to die.

I feel like a better version of this episode could have involved the alien making telepathic conact with Troi, and then asking if it can do the whole being born, growing up thing to explore humanity or whatever, and then Troi agrees and the rest of the episode plays out the same.

Yeah, you loose the mystery aspect, but also, we're shown that the energy being entered Troi at the start, so the only open question are its motives. And I don't think TNG is the show that needs to rely on a cheap mystery like that when it could easily explore the much more interesting scenario of the energy being being open about what it's doing and interacting with the crew on that basis.

Also like Troi definitely needs therapy after this one, right? And i'm sure it will definitely be followed up again, right?

And I gotta say, with this episode having an a b and c plot. It feels less prestigious. In the TNG behind the scenes footage I watched yesterday, one of the crew said that they tried to make TNG feel like a movie every week. And while I wouldn't say they totally achieved that every time, there is a certain grandness to having just one huge plot that encompasses all the different parts of the ship that seasoan one pulled off really well. And in comparison this episode feels more... I dunno, mundane? Like, to a large degree the plot is mundane. The mission of the Enterprise here is to carry cargo from one planet to another. And nothing interesting happens, except the energy being that became Troi's child is giving off the radiation that makes the cargo explode. Too Short a Season this ain't.

And like I can kinda get it for a season opener, you have to reintroduce your whole cast, and it's easier if you have three plots that the characters can shine in, than one plot that maybe can't service the needs of Wesley and Guinan. So I think it's fine if it's just this episode.

Incidentally, I think I spotted three things Lower Decks referenced later one: The energy being of course, then also dimming the windows and also having puppies around :)

okay yeah, tough one

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hiii i have a quastion. Do you happen to know about like. For lack of a better term, almost complete blurriness?

Context: i have like a body name, but its hard to like. Tell anything when it comes to actual dentity stuff if that makes any sense. Like sometimes i know my name and pronouns but times like right now i cant tell anything at all. No clue what my name or pronouns or anything is besides the stuff we always like. Its not even like a "am i a new guy" kinda think. I dont know :(

hey, we can’t be 100% sure about what you’re experiencing, but to us it sounds a lot like dissociation, particularly depersonalization.

depersonalization is a disconnection from the self, including a disconnection from one’s thoughts, emotions, memories, actions, personality, or physical attributes. it’s a common symptom for systems with dissociative disorders. we’ve compiled a list of resources on depersonalization and derealization in the past, and we’ll go ahead and link that here in case it might help y’all:

in our experience, depersonalization tends to wax and wane with time. sometimes we feel more grounded than others. it can be hard for us to shake depersonalization, and it can be really tough to try and ground ourselves when we’re incredibly dissociated, so to be honest we haven’t been able to effectively use grounding techniques to help center ourselves in our own identities at this point. but that doesn’t mean learning some basic grounding techniques won’t help y’all! so here’s a link with a few grounding techniques y’all might consider to try and lessen feelings of blurriness and confusion:

if you’re pretty sure you’re not dissociating at all, you may just need to take some time trying to get to know yourself as a person and as a member of your system. we’ll go ahead and include some resources that might help you with that process:

^ @demi--human’s headmate info template

^ our own “get to know me” headmate form

and i guess we’d like to add… it’s okay to be blurry, foggy, or confused. it’s okay to struggle with knowing who you are, and it is definitely okay to take your time figuring that out. it’s okay to breathe, to take things slowly, and not rush yourself. we hope that these feelings you’re having will pass with time, but we also hope that you can show yourself some patience while you’re in this difficult situation.

good luck, anon. we’re wishing you the very best with learning more about yourself in the future.

[eldritchmochi]

(i hope this doesn't come across as rude, i'm just genuinely confused) i saw your tags on a post you reblogged about how you like to jerk off to the thought of your work crush, and that you're aspec. but i thought the whole point of being aspec is that you *don't* feel sexual attraction? isn't thinking of someone to gain sexual pleasure also sexual attraction to that person? isn't wanting to have sex with someone sexual attraction to that person? i can't imagine jerking off to someone i'm not attracted to so maybe i'm just close-minded but what you said really doesn't sound aspec at all. again i'm not trying to be rude, i'm just not aspec so i really don't understand how *not* feeling sexual attraction can be a spectrum, but feeling sexual attraction apparently isn't a spectrum??

not rude imo! i am happy to play educator!!

so tldr, i have a particularly complicated relationship to.... relationships. i tend to label myself as broadly "aspec" as a whole as shorthand for expressing that i dont really experience attraction but it, like basically all the labels i use, isn't wholly accurate for my personal experience because labels--especially queer identity labels--are a broad stroke generalization for very individualized personal experiences of the same general gestures thing. not everyone who shares the labels i use for myself will agree with the way i use them or even the fact that i DO use them (hi, he/him bi lesbian here, eat me) and thats totally okay, as long as they mind their manners

i find "aspec" used as a specifically nonspecific umbrella micro label is convenient shorthand for the whole not really experiencing attraction thing because its more true than not. i really dont "really" experience attraction, either sexual or romantic..... except for when i do. those instances of attraction however are so incredibly rare that they're an exception, not the rule. i'm in my thirties and consider that tally to be two people i have legit thirsted after and possibly two??? people i am Romantically In Love With (as opposed to just In Love With, which is different for me, because i love all my friends in unique ways because they're unique people i have a unique relationship with, but i digress) (ftr i am not 100% sure on the romance bit because its *incredibly* hard for me to sus out the difference between my feelings for these particular people compared to everyone else i love because i just kinda go on vibes: if i'm happy with someone, i'm happy, and i dont really feel the need to Officially Label things)

btw, "aspec" as in asexual (and in my case aromantic) spectrum is very much a spectrum my dude, and that spectrum people generally report on does include occasional incidental attraction. other axis often involved in the spectrum are things like libido or even general willingness or interest in interactions that involve sex (or romance, or both!). some folks enjoy having sex and seek it out despite not experiencing sexual attraction, with or without a libido. some people are completely sex adverse when it comes to sexual situations involving themselves but will engage with sexual content, such as porn/erotica/virtual roleplay. some people want nothing do do with bumping uglies literally or figuratively. some people are absolutely baffled when it turns out no they just wanna bump uglies with this one particular person and they will DIE if they dont why are humans wired like this its SO INCONVENIENT (shhhhh dont ask me how i know). there are a ton of microlabels for any and all generalization of experience within the a-spec spectrum because there is just a HUGE variety of experiences but i personally dont like them for myself cos im a vague-as-possible kinda guy

so: complicated relationship with relationships and a complete disregard for the "rules" some people wanna insist on when it comes to identity labels. a buddy of mine has described me as her friend who is "all queer identities at once" which, yeah, i'm into that, its a good summation

i would also like to note for our viewers at home that you are totally allowed to stick yourself in whatever box feels right at the time, even if you change boxes a bazillion times or put a peet in a bunch of different boxes all at once, or play musical chairs with the boxes, or whatever. theyre made up and the points dont matter, what matters is having some facsimile of language to communicate an aspect of your experience to allow for communication and conversation about that experience, not that you tick off a check list of required traits to get your box assigned to you by The Committee. go forth, be weird, love freely, eat the rich, and fuck the (thought) police

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

Sundrop! Hi, I've always been a quiet reader (not because I don't think offering comments and engagement is important, but because I usually wait until I have something articulate and meaningful to say which can usually take me multiple reads) but I just wanna say I'm literally so sorry that people are critiquing your work. Posting your writing anywhere is a kindness, it's a contribution, and unfortunately, it's really brave. I say unfortunately because you shouldn't have to be brave to engage in what you love, you should be able to share it freely without expecting people to crawl put of the woodwork to tell you all the things they think you did "wrong" like it's their duty to give their opinion like it's fact. Convenient that the parts that aren't to their personal taste are the parts they comment on, it's like they get the message but pay no attention to how it was sent and let their biases take them from there. What about all of the effort that went into the presentation, the carefully selected prose, the references, the way every fic can come across as a love letter if you just think about it the right way? Everything that's missed or misconstrued in the interpretation?

There are some readers out there who can't stand their 'stand in' being flawed or human in any way, down to the smallest of traits or actions. What that really tells me is that they just don't like it when an MC has any discernable personality. I think these people need to start comprehending that relationships are literally just two people deciding to reside in eachothers orbits and be in eachothers space and generally put up with eachother, and making that choice every day. Sorry if that sounds incomprehensible, what I'm trying to say is that nobody, least of all their precious uwu blorbo is being victimised by having to put up with some snark. News flash: these stories only work because Main Pairing Guy is choosing to engage in the titular dynamic as well. They knowingly expose themselves to this 'problematic behaviour'. If you wouldn't 'put up with it personally' good for you. But this isn't real life and even in fiction not everybody thinks like you or just happens to abide by your personal boundaries. (I say guy because somehow I think that female pairings dont get this treatment nearly as much, maybe because the target audience is already marginalised and dont feel the need to marginalise themselves further with blown out of proportion critiques on literal personality traits).

Not being a timid demure little saintly woman figure does not make them malicious or even offensive, it makes them interesting. It makes the exchanges between characters more fun and fulfilling. I actually relate a lot to the way you write your reader characters– and that's because I'm not insecure enough to think that me being sarcastic or standoffish or understandably guarded by nature makes me a bad person, nor does it even make me particularly 'mean'. Anyone who finds issue with these portrayals maybe needs to do a little introspection on themselves and think about why they're taking it so personally that they feel the absolute need to speak up about it on a public forum.

Writing not being to your personal taste doesn't make it bad writing. It just means it's not for you. If you find yourself in that situation, acknowledge that and move on. It costs zero energy to not go around spreading negativity for no reason. You are not the target audience. 'She' was not written with your voice in mind, and that's perfectly okay. You don't have any say on what a content creator puts out, nor should you. It's the writers vision, not yours, be greatful they're willing to share it with you. Nobody is entitled to it. I'm not saying you have to enjoy it, just do the decent thing and keep it to yourself if you don't. 'Don't like, don't read' is such a simple concept.

I hope you continue to enjoy writing and that you don't take their negativity to heart or let it influence your enjoyment of what can be such a fulfilling and downright therapeutic hobby. I know it's hard to see when so many readers choose to stay silent, but they are the loud minority. A lack of engagement is a disappointing reality on pretty much every platform and it must be so disheartening for content creators. I'm doing my best to try and contribute more, even if its just anonymously for now, and I hope more people start speaking up with all the nice things they have to say instead. I'm sorry you had to put up with all my rambling, but I hope at least some of it was something somebody needs ro hear. Sending you good vibes and inspiration! ☆☆☆

Omg, okay. this is very long and I do have a lot to say about this

Well for one - I do appreciate quiet readers.

Something disheartening is when people leave a like on my work and don't comment or reblog - especially when there is a huge disconnect between the amount of likes and the amount of comments. Because when something has 1000s of likes and 2 comments, it's usually from a fandom that is very over saturated and popular, and it feels like people are saying: your work is just like any other, and there is nothing special about it or worth commenting on about your work. I have 100s of fics to choose from, and when I read yours, nothing stood out to me about your work as valuable or particularly entertaining, so I don't care to talk to you about it and I don't care if I lose it in my 1000s of liked posts because it's not that unique or that great. And some people use their liked fics as bookmarks, so seeing so many people leave likes and no comments, it's like "yeah, I saw the summary of your fic, I was interested, I liked it, but I didn't give a shit to come back to it and actually read it. other fics are more worthy of my time."

But if people are too shy to comment or they genuinely don't have anything to say (or if they're worried that they don't have anything thoughtful to say) - reblog it. Reblog it without a comment, and it makes an author feel 1000x times better than if you just leave a like. Especially if your reblog is tagged as 'TBR' or even just tagged with the character's name - it means I know you value my fic and don't want to lose it, whether you have read it already or not. It means I know you think my fic is worth sharing with other people. It means I know you're enthusiastic about my fic. So many other things.

Reblogging can be just as golden as a comment sometimes.

Also I always encourage shy people to comment while using anon.

Anyway - moving on.

Everything you are saying is so, so right. Sharing your art is brave, but I remember a time when people would consistently share fics of a much lower quality - which isn't a mockery, it's just me saying that fandom used to be much more casual, and making 'bad' art used to be widely accepted. Now, people are clearly terrified to make 'bad' art, so even if they make it, they don't share it.

It used to be that fandom was a space where you were joking around with your friends, passing notes in class and goofing off, and now people act like fandom is a fucking transaction. But now people act like fandom is a service where you can blatantly complain if there's stuff you don't like - as if fanfiction writers are the person behind the counter at the Burger King and you go up and order whatever you want, and if they don't give it to you, there is someone above them that you can complain to. (Also the people 'ordering' act like they have aboslutely no power to make a burger for themselves and they are gonna starve if they don't get it right now.)

And there is a huge percentage of people who say that writing fanfiction is 'too hard' so they just don't do it - when they don't realize that 90% of their favourite fics are written by people in their late 20s, 30s, and 40s who used to write the most terrible, cringey, self insert fics riddled with spelling errors and polyvore sets and random Japanese ANs (and people used to write these fics seriously) - all your favourite authors had growing pains.

Nobody starts off perfect. And no, writing fanfiction is not easy - but it's supposed to be a labor of love and passion and it's a skill that you're supposed to develop over time, which is why you do it.

The whole point of fanfiction is that it's fanmade. It's literally the number one 'do it yourself' hobby ever. And there are no fans who are more qualified to make fics than others. If you are a fan of something and you know any written language, you are qualified to make your own fanfiction.

But in this currently climate, people who don't write fics because it's 'too hard' feel entitled to fics written by people who have been practising for years.

Also I love what you have said here: "convenient that the parts that aren't to their personal taste are the parts they comment on"

There is such a recent negativity culture. People don't understand that thinks they don't like aren't for them - they think that everything should be for them, and aspects they don't like about it should be changed or weeded out to their liking. And in the vein of negativity culture, so many people take a strange kind of joy in being openly negative and being such a 'hater'. And it is just so strange to me.

Fandom is supposed to be a space where we come together in order to celebrate our love for something - so why would you bring such a negative attitude to those spaces? Why not participate in these spaces with enthusiasm and love - and if you find something that you don't like, why not just ignore it in favor of the things that you do love?

Especially when there are so many genuinely awful things out there in the world - why do you want to create more negativity in spaces that are supposed to be a fun mental escape? Why waste your energy focusing on things that annoy you, piss you off, make you angry - when fandom is supposed to be about focusing on things we love that bring us joy?

"There are some readers out there who can't stand their 'stand in' being flawed or human in any way, down to the smallest of traits or actions."

This is just true. And it's annoying.

Writing flawed characters - whether it's a reader character or a canon character - makes for something so much more interesting. And I don't understand why people seemingly want to read a story where the characters have no flaws and there is no conflict.

Not being a timid demure little saintly woman figure does not make them malicious or even offensive, it makes them interesting.

Again - thank you.

So many of my female reader characters have been accused of being 'mean' or 'bitchy' - as if that's the worst thing that a female character can be.

"I actually relate a lot to the way you write your reader characters– and that's because I'm not insecure enough to think that me being sarcastic or standoffish or understandably guarded by nature makes me a bad person, nor does it even make me particularly 'mean'."

Genuinely, thank you.

This means a lot to me.

I like it when people enjoy my reader characters because I always try to make their personalities engaging and I try to make them fun to ride with as the story is being told. Some people genuinely expect the reader character to be just like them. They expect the reader character to have no mentions of a backstory, an occupation, nothing. And what bothers me is that this falls into the trap of the reader character - usually female - being some jobless homebody housewife type that the canon character just comes home to. As if a woman's only value in a man's story is to be a sex object for him to come home and fuck.

Like if I had a dime for every single story that intros with the canon character man coming home to his anonymous wifie reader character and with 0 discussion of her life, her interests, her personality, they only discuss his life, his interests, his potential conflicts and then they start fucking. Yes, I get that it's to make the reader character more ambiguous, but it's so boring and it makes all fanfictions so generic with each other and it makes the woman feel like such an accessory to his life rather than feeling like her own person.

I always want the reader and the canon character to be active participants in the story. Because that makes it more interesting.

"Writing not being to your personal taste doesn't make it bad writing. It just means it's not for you. If you find yourself in that situation, acknowledge that and move on. It costs zero energy to not go around spreading negativity for no reason. You are not the target audience."

I just wanted to highlight this.

And thank you - I will continue writing for as long as I can. I hope to continue writing well into my 30s, 40s, etc. as long as my chronic illness allows me to be well enough in order to do so. I really don't want to let stuff like this get me down.

And honestly, I have been writing for so many years - it's my default. I don't think I can stop writing. I just hope that speaking out about stuff like this will make the environment kinder for myself and other writers.

Anyway - thank you so much for this lovely message <3 I really do appreciate it

[thigiocamap]

thoughts on empathy

i have always had very low empathy, and when i was younger i made no effort to mask it since i didn’t understand why i had to and also im autistic. to me, navigating different kinds of relationships with low empathy felt like dealing with the same kinds of “invisible rules” as is usual with social situations. i have never felt for other people, and so whenever my friends would feel sadness i just wasn’t able to understand why or feel sadness for them, and so i wasn’t able to be a very helpful friend. i’d essentially just think to myself “oh, this person is really upset, i guess. i dont really get why? why don’t they just stop? it’s so easy” because i wasn’t able to feel what they were feeling. it seemed easy to just “quit being sad” to me, because i had no idea what it felt like to be in their shoes in that moment

of course, no one really likes it when their friend doesn’t give a crap about your issues. there have been a lot of times when ive hurt people because of my low empathy. so eventually i learned to essentially “fake it til i make it” — i learned compassion, even though i don’t actually feel empathy.

because while i don’t have the empathy, i do /care/ about people, generally. i don’t feel the feelings, but i know that people don’t deserve to be treated in particular ways or deserve to experience particular things from a logical standpoint. so i learned how to express compassion, to help people and to essentially “make up” for not being able to feel the feelings on my own. because it’s not like most people can tell the difference anyways (people have expressed to me before that they think im extremely empathetic and sensitive to feelings just because i listen to people and try to help them feel better when they’re sad)

generally, my opinions on empathy are: you shouldn’t vilify people for having low/none of it (it doesn’t make people inherently evil or inhuman), but i also believe that compassion is a learned trait and that it’s fair to learn how to express it when needed, because it’s just the kind thing to do for others. my low empathy does make me at fault for a lot of situations when i dont account for it while talking to people, but i don’t consider it an excuse for when people i know are like, literally suicidal or going through the worst times of their lives or something. i think it’s obvious that i shouldn’t expect people to reciprocate in showing compassion to me if i won’t show it to them, so that’s also why i do it.

it bothers me when people act like empathy is inherently good/what makes us human, but it also bothers me when people act like having low empathy is an excuse to be the worst friend ever. because you really can fake it. it isn’t particularly hard to. you just need to tell people what you think they want to hear, and in 99% of cases it’s just “you don’t deserve to feel that way”, or “i will listen to you and respond to you more often”, or “you are my friend and these are the things i like about you”. they’re like logical solutions to the problems people are having, in my eyes. for me, figuring out logical solutions to a problem doesn’t have to mean attempting to navigate through invisible social rules (like what makes usual social interactions so difficult as an autistic person). like, for example, if a person is feeling like no one likes them, the logical solution to that is to tell them i like them and the reasons why i do. if someone is feeling unseen and as though people aren’t responding to them, the logical solution to that is to begin responding to them more often and being more attentive of when they’re trying to make conversation. et cetera

that’s part of why it bothers me too when people act like low empathy = evil monster. people can’t even tell the difference between actual empathy and compassion anyways. why does it matter whether or not someone can feel the feelings, if they’re still trying to do good?

(also, if im misusing words throughout this post, that’s my fault cuz a lot of these words seem to have fuzzy definitions that vary from person to person. when i use empathy here, i mean it in the way of “being able to take on another person’s perspective and personally feel the feelings that they’re experiencing”. when i use compassion, i mean “recognizing the suffering of other people and taking action to help by expressing care”, without any sort of prerequisite of empathy 👍)

[aquilaaktuk]

deathstar puss in boots last wish au? deathstar puss in boots last wish au.

hastily doodled in a starbucks and everything. theres like way more tho

’why is this written like a shitpo-’ I WRITE LIKE I THINK AND HOW I THINK MADE ONE OF MY TEACHERS PUT ME IN LEARNING ENHANCEMENT IM NOT KIDDING

anyway i had an idea for this but it came to me at 6am after i just woke up so it’s probably REALLY eh. anyway kid is death because thats like the logical jump and blackstar is puss and tsubaki is kitty but not romantically involved at all because tsustar is. vile. anyway, they’re cat robin-hoods, steal from the rich give to the poor. one day blackstar steals something thats supposed to grant immortality and he’s like “theres no way this is real but lemme test it out anyway for personal reasons.” and then it ends up being real. and he’s totally chilling with that because this could be his shot at surpassing god ‘cept death and death jr are not okay with that at all and he looses in a really funny way to dtk and gets pretty pissed. his day is ruined more when tsubaki says she’s on her last life and wants to retire and blackstar properly freaks out. in my head i steal from the sandman a little and the thompsons are two regular twins who got killed during a robbery gone wrong and then get the chance to keep ‘living’ as presumably servants of death and they’re like ‘yeah sure whatever’ and then get passed off to his neurotic nervous wreck of a son and then also belatedly realise theyre ravens and definitely not human. they chill though theyre his literal wing-sisters. *flicks wrist*

anyway because big daddy death is totally not chill with the idea of immortal cats wandering around he tells dtk to go and Git Him because its good training for when he succeeds him or whatever. anyway dtk goes and tries to do that and even though every time they fight he absolutely claps blackstar, b*star always gets away and its getting kinda really frustrating, so he just watches him trying to find a moment where his guard is down enough for a quick stab n go. doesnt really happen instead he just gets feelings which is really gay and lame of him everyone point and laugh. anyway eventually he goes from ‘i must kill this guy because dad said so’ to ‘i wanna be his friend and maybe also kiss him idk’ hes not very good at emotions. its just as well the thompsons are there. anyway eventually theyre on speaking terms and after much preamble they have a lil heart to heart and its very sweet.

i imagine if ass*star was a cat he’d be a maine coon not because they’re large or particularly menacing, but because theyre one of the few breeds with enough fur to maintain that absolutely batshit hairstyle that hes got going

anway kid is like totally freaking out because big daddy death told him to go and kill this guy and he’s absolutely not done that at all, in fact he’s done the polar opposite and romanced him instead so they’re running around trying to figure out what to do and liz is like ‘dude your dad would kill and die for you why not just be out with it’ so they do that and lo and behold, big daddy death is like. totally chill about it.

anyway death dies and that really sucks but i also havent thought up to that point, all i know is that ass*star wont be allowed to run around like that forever and hes definitely not off the hook for becoming some fucked up god of accidentally gaining immortality. 

‘but what about the lines of sa-’ i dont care. 

[crowkip]

hi there!! i came across your art recently and love how you simplify forms for your style!! Do you have any tips on what you did to learn art and develop your current style? Did you take figure drawing lessons or just hyperfixate on an anime?? Any materials/exercises that were particularly helpful for learning how to draw humans? Thanks for your time!

thank u so much!!! i do have some handy info but im gonna put it under the cut so it doesnt clog up ppl's feeds bc it's gonna get a little long, hope this helps out!! ꉂ(ˊᗜˋ*)

ok so!! my top tip is to try out some life drawing classes! you'll often be expected to capture a full body gesture in 5-15 minutes which really helps you learn break the body down into its simplest forms since you wont have time to work on all the details. i only ever did a few sessions since they were part of a design course i was taking but even that alone definitely helped me streamline my process when it comes to planning out poses and making sure things arent looking too stiff

as for developing a style i honestly dont have a super clear answer bc i still find that i feel like my art is vERY very inconsistent, but even with that being said i do still have a few things that've helped personally!! easiest place to start is finding the tools you enjoy working with, for me i have a handful of brushes in csp that i tend to default to which helps form a little bit of consistency across my drawings (ofc dont be scared to branch out!! it's just handy to know what brushes work best for you). the other thing that's influenced my style is reading lots of comics and spending a lot of time looking at other artists' sketches, if you see a specific feature you like in their work try giving it a go yourself!! i remember noticing the contrast of soft and hard shadows in old oil paintings a few years ago n thinking 'ooh ive gotta try that' and ive been using it on my own art ever since. in the end your own style is greatly just a reflection of little things you've loved seeing in other peoples art and once you combine all those you end up with smth uniquely yours which i just think is awesome tbh

and as for shows n stuff that got me drawing, i dont have the coolest answer but as a kid i got super into drawing my friends as my little pony characters lmao i would spend every minute between classes drawing these stupid little rainbow horses and it actually really got me into picking out colour palettes and helped me build up that muscle memory which was what led into me drawing things that were a little more challenging. even if whatever motivates you to draw is considered kind childish or 'cringy' or whatever, dont stop drawing what you enjoy!! i wouldnt be drawing now without the years of pony doodles on homework as a kid and im glad i embraced it. i hope this can be helpful to you, so sorry for the long read but thanks for getting through it all!! good luck as dont be scared to dm me if you ever have any questions, i'll always do my best to help out :D

[corvidinthewoods]

a new philosophy tube video came out and i have a lot of thoughts. i left this all as a comment on youtube, but i figured i might get better discussion elsewhere so im posting it here too. i put it under a readmore cause its kinda long and i dont want it to clog up ppl's dash, especially if discussion turns into a reblog chain (which would be nice!!!)

specifically this is thinking about what she said regarding gender dysphoria and pathologization and stuff

i started hrt in february 2020, so before any changes could be easily seen the world went into lockdown. i also got top surgery in april 2021, less isolated but still not especially opened back up yet

i don’t see my extended family very often just due to geography, so with covid it became even less frequent. the first time i spent time with some of my aunts after starting T, I think was thanksgiving or christmas 2021. So, at that point a lot of changes had happened and I imagine for my extended family it was much more sudden than for my immediate family and friends. That probably contributed to why gender and transition came up in conversation.

One of my aunts is fairly tall for a cis women, and she wondered why people choose transition over a different way of being their agab. she shared a memory of hers from growing up, how she felt like she wasn’t Correctly Female because of her height. But at one point she joined a tall womens social group, and was actually only just over the minimum height requirement. There, she was actually shorter than most of the other women and it helped her feel better in her own womanhood.

That’s a very nutshell retelling of it, but her full explanation sounded to me just like gender dysphoria, based on both my own experience and on what i’ve read of the experiences of others. It wasn’t the point of her question so I didnt bring it up, but it did (and obviously still has) stuck with me

Later, I went into a trans-focused discord community and asked others whether they thought cis people could feel dysphoria. The consensus from answers i received was ‘no’, and that surprised me.

For a while now I’ve also been feeling that the line between ‘cisgender’ and ‘transgender’ is a false binary, just like with the male/female binary.

I’ve recently been going back to Contrapoints videos, and in one of them she talks a bit about how her conception of gender and transness has changed, particularly with regards to trying to categorize it. She said her current mindset was that some things about human existence are just irrational, and will always defy attempts to group them. So rather than endlessly try and make them make sense, it’s better to just accept them.

I feel like this could apply to gender dysphoria, if we approach it in the more linguistic sense like when Abby Thorn used the word to summarize her feelings when someone asked “how are you”. Sometimes when a person is feeling dysphoric, the solution is adjusting her view on tall womanhood. Sometimes the solution is taking bioidentical hormone therapy. Sometimes it’s hormone replacement therapy, sometime’s its surgeries to change sex characteristics like breasts or genitals. Sometimes it’s just a feeling that we have to cope with and eventually let pass, like nervousness or sadness. There’s no way to systematically decide ahead of time what the outcome of ‘feeling dysphoric’ should be, and when you try to make that system you can end up with the clusterfuck going on in the uk.

[autisticlee]

I aways feel the need to state it's not my intention first because people always accuse me of being dismissive when I add my own thoughts/feelings/experiences 😅 but we can't read minds. we don't know other people's lives. so if I don't tell them, they won't know. their advice isn't one-size-fits-all like they seem to think! people are so confusing!

I don't think i'm giving up on myself. what does that look like? how do I know if i'm doing it? i've had many people who, when i'm trying to ask for help or mentioning my struggles, will tell me i'm giving up and not even trying, things like that. but I always feel like i'm trying my best! I have to work 100x harder to do "normal" everyday things. that's often how it is being autistic. "normal" things take much more effort, so doing things beyond that often requires extra help or support. i think to them, that looks like i'm not trying, but to me, it feels like i'm trying harder than all of them combined!

there comes times where you have to accept your disabilities and need help. asking for help is hard, especially when people say things like that instead of agreeing to help. that's where that realization that you don't have anyone close hits even harder. I have no one I can trust and rely on to ask for help and support from. no one that believes me that i'm truly trying my best and deserve some assistance and support. I have to continue to do all the things I can barely manage and even try things I physically can't do on my own. I don't think have time to actually give up lol. i'm too busy trying to do every day things! so I dont think i'm giving up on myself.

unless what you mean is something different? I may be misinterpreting. but I either way, I don't think you have to worry about me giving up. I actually don't see how feeling lonliness relates to that 😅 i'm probably missing something. but it's other people who give up on me and I have to push myself past points I can actually manage because I have no other options 😅 but i'm sure it's fine!!!! i'm trying my best!!

I actually did make a whole list of traits i'd want in a friend or partnership recently (recently being within the last 2 years probably). i don't know what I did with it, honestly, but it's something i've already worked it in and out of my head. I didn’t find it particularly helped me.

i did work over years with myself trying to find things I like/don't like, figuring out what I could potentially actually do, what to do, and all that. I always have a project to work on and something for my mind to focus on. i've been working on my projects and trying to figure out if I can start my own business for a decade now since no one will hire me due to being autistic. that's.....a lot of work and things to try to figure out for one person who struggles with "normal" things hahaha. so I wouldn't say i feel "lost," but more like...too busy? brain is also adhd so it always has me doing things constantly and doing nothing feels very bad. that lonliness only creeps up when there's a thing I want to do that requires another person, I need help, or find I don't have someone to share something i created with. it doesn't matter how busy and overwhelmed you are by the things you give yourself to do, you can still get slapped by that lack of human connection from time to time. and this is coming from someone who prefers alone time over being around people. I only ever want human interaction a couple times a month at the most 😅

i've had several people suggest I have depression, but i'm pretty sure i'm just intermittently experiencing autistic/adhd burnout. however, I don't think that contributes to the lonely feeling. when I was in school and bullied relentlessly and got dismissed and ignored and even punished by all the adults I reached out to for help, that made me extremely depressed. but it seems to have magically melted away when I dropped out of my university after the first year. I just assume since I don't feel that way anymore, it must be gone.

it kind of sucks when all your friends and family, everyone you know, are all pairing off and getting married and havinf families, except you. you're the only one that doesn't have a partner and probably can/will never get one. especially if one around you has time for you anymore, they never reach out, never get back to you, because they're only focused on their partners and families. you're stuck alone and drift away from everyone through no fault of your own. you have no hope of finding your own partner or no motivation to look for one for whatever reason. the lack of connections while seeing everyone around you having their own can get overwhelmingly lonely at times....

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).