#turns out sleeping 18 hours a day and having no appetite means you eat very little

[caramiaaddio]

One of the things you should know about me is that I do not and will never lose weight on purpose. I eat well and exercise regularly, but that’s just to keep myself healthy — not to lose weight. And for the most part, I DON’T lose weight. Even though I eat well and exercise, that really just keeps me in a solid stasis around 260/270, and I’m happy with that. I like how my body looks, and as long as all of my bloodwork is coming back in normal ranges I see no need to change my diet and exercise schedule. My weight might fluctuate a bit depending on the week, but it’s not something I measure on my own and it’s usually never enough that there’s a noticeable physical difference. So for me, the phrase “I’ve lost a lot of weight” isn’t some kind of celebration about my physical form, but an indicator that something is going wrong in my body that I haven’t intended upon.

Anyways. Lost a lot of weight this week :(

[backtothestart02]

Remember That Night - 2/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: Another chap for you! The chaps will be longer after Barry and Iris meet again, but the first several chaps are the in between time and so are a little shorter. Enjoy!

...

Chapter 2 - The Day After

Numb.

That was the only word Iris could think of to describe herself.

The entire rest of the day after Barry had gone, she felt like she was walking around like a ghost. No purpose, no direction, no heartbeat. She moved through the kitchen stopping at places he had been, touching counter surfaces, dishes, remembering. Barry Allen wasn’t dead, but he’d so surely ripped himself from her life unexpectedly that it felt like he was. She was in shock.

Eventually, she found her way to the bedroom and laid in his bed, sleeping on and off. No one came to check in on her. Her aunt and uncle were no doubt busy with the work during the day and they might not even know she was still there. They hadn’t been blind to Barry and Iris’ relationship over the past couple months, but they also hadn’t gone out of their way to be nosy about it. Only Iris’ dad would’ve done that, and he was two states away.

Her best friend, Linda Park, was at a summer-long internship on the other side of the country. Any other friends Iris had were superficial, and they didn’t know about Barry. Linda knew some details but not all. Her life in New York City had become busy and her replies to Iris’ texts were few and far between. Iris didn’t have to be lonesome for long though, because soon after she and Barry shared their first kiss – or kisses rather, and after that it was down the rabbit hole she went.

The day after Barry left, the tears came.

Iris was okay at first, other than a massive stomach ache come morning, since she hadn’t eaten any lunch or dinner the day before. Her heartbreak told her she didn’t have an appetite. Her stomach disagreed.

She sighed, not really wanting to combat keeping tears at bay and unbearable stomach pain for a whole day or longer.

Forcing her eyes open and the sheets off her body, she looked up to find a silhouette in the doorway. For a moment the light played a trick on her, and she thought it was Barry – in the flesh, returned to her, ready to explain and beg for forgiveness and stay with her.

The look on her face must’ve given her away, as had her little gasp, because seconds later her aunt Cora stepped into the room with a sad smile.

“It’s just me, honey. I wanted to check on you.”

Iris’ shoulders slumped, and immediately she started to sob. One tear came and then another, then another, until they were pouring down her cheeks and cries were getting louder and louder. She couldn’t register when, but soon her aunt had come to her on the bed and held her close, letting her cry, letting her sob and get all those awful emotions out.

By the time she’d drained herself of both tears and the energy to cry out, she was so exhausted that she fell back asleep again.

Vaguely, she recalled her aunt tucking her in and pressing a kiss to her forehead. Then her presence was gone, and Iris was asleep.

The next time she opened her eyes she was in her uncle’s house, a smile on her face and balloons all around her. She was dreaming. She knew that much, but she didn’t care. She let herself experience it and forget the reality.

This dream – this memory – was much more pleasant than what she’d be waking up to.

“Iris.”

She spun around to face her uncle, a smile on his face as well – a beaming one in fact. His hands were hooked into his suspenders, barely holding his stomach in beneath the plaid shirt. His jeans were a little dirty from being outside, but his ‘party boots’ were shiny and gave the impression of grandeur, as did that toothy grin of his.

“Uncle Jesse.”

Her eyes sparkled as she went to him, about to hug him tightly as her blue and white summer dress swayed around her hips when she realized he was trying to introduce someone to her.

She turned to look at the man beside her uncle, and her heart nearly stopped.

He was tall, several inches taller than her uncle, who she’d always considered a great deal taller than her. She felt tiny in front of this new stranger. She also couldn’t hold eye contact with him for too long. His eyes were penetrating. A deep green that you either fell into or avoided entirely. She’d just barely escaped the former.

“Who is this?” she heard herself asking politely.

Jesse squeezed the shoulder of the taller man beside him.

“This is Barry Allen. I’ve hired him on as a ranch hand over the summer. I thought I’d introduce you so you’re not startled if you happen to see him here when you come during your summer break. If you do, of course.”

“You know I will, Uncle Jesse. I love spending time with you and Aunt Cora.”

Jesse couldn’t stop the smile that spread further across his face.

“Jesse! More guests are arriving!”

“Oh, excuse me. Iris, Barry, why don’t you two get to know each other while I welcome our other guests. The party should be starting soon!”

Barry and Iris hid secret smiles, their eyes locking for the briefest of moments before Jesse parted from them and headed towards where his wife was calling by the front door.

“I’m coming, honey. I’m coming,” he said hurriedly. They could hear him even from a distance.

Barry chuckled lightly.

“He’s quite a character, your uncle.”

“Mm,” she said, her breath suddenly stolen from her as he took a step closer and stood beside her.

“How old are you turning today?”

She forced herself to focus on his question. He was just a guy. A very tall guy with gorgeous green eyes she was in danger of drowning in, but just a guy nonetheless.

“Nineteen,” she said, with a smile.

“Wow, practically an adult, aren’t ya?” he teased.

She scoffed, smiling wide despite herself.

“Well, how old are you, Mister Allen?”

He chuckled. “I am an adult.”

“Eighteen?”

He gave her a look that turned her to jelly.

“Twenty-one.”

“Just because I can’t drink doesn’t mean I’m not in an adult. Here in the states adulthood starts at 18.” She paused. “Where are you from?”

“The States,” he said easily.

“More specifically?”

He shrugged. “Around.”

Her eyes sparkled in amusement.

“Shrouded in mystery, aren’t you?”

He laughed.

“I just like to keep to myself is all. I never stay in one place for too long.”

“And why is that?”

He smiled by way of an answer.

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t fight the smile continuously tugging at her lips just by being near him. And the way he was looking at her. God.

“Iris!” she heard her uncle call, and she looked in his direction, her face hot and her focus blurred but still trying. “I have some more guests for you to meet!”

“Okay!” she said cheerfully, then stepped to the side and glanced at Barry before saying, “I should go.”

“Of course. Happy birthday, Iris.”

Her tongue swelled up in her mouth and she swallowed before nodding and smiling tremulously.

“Thanks.”

“Iris. Iris. Iris!”

Her eyes flashed open. She was breathing heavily, sweating, back in bed, the party disappeared from her sight. Aunt Cora was sitting beside her.

“Oh, child, you scared me.” Her hand flew to her chest. “I couldn’t wake you up. You’ve been asleep for hours. Didn’t you sleep at all last night?”

She had. She’d slept too much.

“I guess I just needed a little more, Aunt Cora.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re all right now. Will you come eat some lunch?”

“Barry left-” She was about to say pancakes, but stopped after his name tumbled out of her mouth, her whole world ceasing to exist all over again.

“Now, now, no more tears today.” Cora dabbed at the two that trickled down her cheeks. “I’ll never get you to the kitchen at that rate.”

Iris fixed her eyes on her aunt, swallowed and licked her lips.

“I wish you’d come over for dinner last night, darling.” She pushed the locks framing Iris’ face out of her eyes. “We had no idea you were still here. We thought…” she trailed off. “Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter what we thought. You’ll come stay in the guest room tonight and then head back to your little apartment in the city tomorrow.”

Iris frowned. “I have two weeks till classes start again, Aunt Cora.”

“And you want to stay here? With all these memories?”

“I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted softly.

Cora pressed her lips to the side of her face.

“Then you shan’t be.”

Iris felt warmth spread through her body, a comforting warmth, what always settled in her when she was being comforted by her aunt.

“You can stay as long as you like.” She pulled back. “Now come eat, so that stomach of yours stops grumbling. I could hear it even in your sleep.”

Iris managed a soft laugh, then shifted out of the bed and followed her aunt to the door. She paused in the doorway to look back at the bed, and the memory of last night flitted before her eyes, she and Barry in bed laughing and smiling and holding each other.

“Iris?”

It was her aunt again. She blinked and finally made her way back into the kitchen to the scene of the crime.

...

*will be posted on AO3 and FFnet when beta’d.

[oimoi-op]

when were you diagnosed with t1d?

Ok, so storytime! Short answer is, as of today, barely over two months ago. 

(Very long post warning y’all, contains hospital mention and extensive, possibly upsetting descriptions of health conditions, specifically DKA)

My family doesn’t really have a history of T1D or even T2D, though my second-cousin-once-removed has had T1D for over a decade now. So, there was never any reason for me to try and get tests done for it. The only sign I really had up until last semester was two copies of a variant of an HLA gene that I knew about from a 23andMe report (which, according to the report, put me at a higher risk for celiac’s and nothing else), but of course at that time I had no idea that that could mean anything serious; after all, that sort of thing only happens to other people, right?

My college started in-person classes in the latter half of August. By October, I started feeling tired, having a lack of appetite, and needing water very, very badly. I actually went to my school’s clinic, and my erratic heartbeat prompted the doctor to recommend me for a Covid-19 test. My school’s protocols meant that I had to quarantine at my home (since I live within two hours of campus) until I got a negative test result. At home, I was drinking water all the time and sleeping constantly, and my parents had commented on how I’d been losing weight. I thought these were all good things. I had been slightly overweight at my high school graduation, and I’d always heard that drinking a lot of water is good for you, so I thought I was actually in excellent health even if I kind of felt like shit most of the time.

Well. Uh. I was wrong.

When finals came around in mid-November, I was just fucking tired. I’d get a decent eight hours of sleep and still have to take naps during the day. Hell, I was even late for work because I slept through one of my nap alarms. Studying was a pain in the ass. Attending classes was a pain in the ass. Staying awake for Zoom classes was a pain in the ass. I was waking up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and then I would drink the rest of my water, refill it, drink half of it again, and then go back to sleep. Finally, November 20th rolled around, and I got to leave campus. It was my birthday (yeah I am a Scorpio and that weirds all of my friends out lol), and my parents took me to Fusion. And I just...couldn’t eat at all? I love hibachi, but I couldn’t even eat half of my food. The chef even got me a delicious banana split that I had to basically bully my younger sister into eating with me.

For the next week, I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. I didn’t think this was weird because I’d just had finals so yeah, it makes sense that I would be tired after exams and whatnot. I went shopping with my mom, sister, and sister’s bff. We were only out for a few hours, but I was fucking wiped out y’all, like in pain. Thanksgiving arrived, and again, I love food, I love eating, but I was not hungry in the slightest. I basically had to force myself to eat some of my favorite holiday foods just so I wouldn’t offend my mom, and then I didn’t eat for the day.

The very next morning, I was puking my guts out.

This started a pattern for the next few days: I would eat chicken noodle soup or some other food, sleep like the dead, and throw up every morning and every night. I started chugging large bottles of Gatorade constantly (which, if you know about diabetes and its health complications, did not help my situation in the slightest). I started breathing erratically after very little exertion. Like, I’m talking standing up and stretching brought about heavy, labored breathing. I weighed myself on my parents’ scale, and I was under 130 lbs. Now, for some people this might seem like a lot, but due to my height and build I could fucking see some of my ribs. That was when I started to realize that something was very, very wrong, but “losing weight is good” and I didn’t want my parents to laugh at me for voicing concerns (though, for all their faults, in hindsight, I doubt they would’ve). Yeah. Don’t do that, folks, that’s not a good mindset to have. 

On Sunday, my mom took me to town to get tested for Covid. This was despite me saying that I didn’t have symptoms (which I knew very well due to some of my friends catching it at school). Rapid test came back negative, so I did a culture test. Hell, while I was sitting in the damn chair, I was about to pass out. I asked for a nausea pill but my mouth was too dry for it to dissolve. I got a cup of water, downed it all, and felt like my throat was on fire. For the rest of the day I felt so, so awful. At some point I was walking toward my bed in my room and I fucking fell. I’m fucking lucky there was carpet. 

Regarding the rest of that night, things start to get blurry, for the lack of a better term. I legitimately cannot recall everything that happened that night or the following two days, so I will just try to explain it in the way I remember it best.

Around...midnight or one??? I was on fucking fire, so I went to my bathroom and decided to lie on the floor. The floor was hardwood and not at all cold, and it wasn’t fucking comfortable even in that state, but I was just in so much pain I didn’t even care. My mom must’ve heard because she found me there and asked me what I was doing. I said something about the floor. She asked me to go back to bed, but I must’ve scared her because she asked me if I wanted her to lie in the bed with me. I don’t remember what I said to her, but we were in the bed and she was trying to hug me, but she was too warm and so I told her to stop. I kept feeling this burning just below my chest, like there was acid in me (which I guess wasn’t too far off), so I would randomly sit up to try and alleviate the pain and not cry. I remember asking my mom to take me to the hospital in the morning.

My mom put me in the truck (I think around 5 am is what she told me). I remembered hearing my dad. I was lying down. Then I was awake, but I was on the floor. I thought this was wrong so I tried to tell my mom that but I guess I couldn’t talk. Then I was in a hospital bed, the ER I assume. My mom gave me some water with a sponge, and I was just so fucking thirsty. Then I was in the ICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. I didn’t know what was going on, but my mom kept giving me water with that sponge. That is all I remember from Monday.

I remember a little bit more from Tuesday. My mom said something about diabetes, but that didn’t make any sense to me because I wasn’t “fat” and I’d been losing weight, even! What had I done to get diabetes? I was thirsty and tired, so I slept a lot. At some point I really needed to use the restroom so I unhooked my IV???? (I mean I must’ve disconnected myself somehow but I can’t remember the details) which set off a shit ton of alarms and people were Very Concerned and kept asking me Why Did You Do That? But I just needed to go to the restroom, and they told me to use the Red Button to Call the Nurse (it was already there, and I now realize that we’d probably had a similar conversation about the Red Button to Call the Nurse possibly multiple times before this) in the future. A Chopped Teen Tournament from 2017 was playing on the TV nonstop. There were commercials for CGMs. I thought that God wasn’t being very funny about the whole thing.

As of now I remember even less of Wednesday, but I know that felt better. There was this diabetes specialist who kept talking about insulin and life at college moving forward, but I wasn’t really there, either because of being so out of it for health reasons, disassociating, or a combination of the two. My mom told me she had emailed a professor so he would give me an extension on an assignment that was due by then, and I remember crying because I thought that was just so nice of him. That night, this guy got me in a wheelchair and put me in another room, which I would later learn was the ACU. My night nurse was this nice woman named Tanya, who had a very thick Eastern European accent. She got me orange juice to take some potassium pills, but it felt like swallowing rocks. I didn’t really get a lot of sleep, so I was awake when the nurses changed shifts. I remember one of them expressing surprise that I was out of the ICU so early.

My mom took longer to come that day because nobody had told her I’d been moved. I’d had plain Cheerios and orange juice for breakfast, but I couldn’t really eat because my throat hurt so badly. I talked to a lot of doctors. I guess at this point or somewhere near it I accepted that I had diabetes, but it wasn’t really real until the same diabetes specialist was going over carbs. I thought I was never going to eat shit I liked ever again. I really wanted a fucking McChicken sandwich. I signed some papers for Medicaid because I had aged out of the CHIP while in the hospital. I finally texted my friends and explained to them what had happened. I was so fucking tired.

I got out the next day, so that was Thursday. Normally, I would’ve been in the hospital much longer (especially because my Medicaid hadn’t been approved, meaning no insurance had approved of my insulin yet), but Covid cases were on the rise and the hospital wanted me out of there. The diabetes specialist and one of my nurses snuck me two fast-acting and two basal insulin pens, and I was out. I ate half a McChicken, a small fry, and drank my first Diet Coke. It tasted like diesel mixed with piss. 

That’s the gist of it. The hospital staff was very nice and thoughtful the entire time, I think. I felt as though everyone involved cared about my health a lot. 

For those of you who aren’t T1D or just don’t know, what I experienced is called DKA, short for diabetic ketoacidosis. To simplify, I was very close to entering a diabetic coma. My sister later told me that our dad had said (I assume a doctor had told my mother, who, in turn, had told him) that I was “approximately 45 minutes” away from death. DKA happens when a diabetic (usually a T1D like me) has too much blood sugar in their body due to them lacking the insulin necessary to break the sugar down, so their body breaks down their fat reserves and muscle to get the energy it needs. This is why I lost around 50 pounds over the course of a few months (I was 118 lbs. when I entered the hospital, the lowest I’ve been since grade school). I was officially diagnosed with T1D on November 30th, just ten days after my 19th birthday, which is a little older than normal I believe. It’s...well, it’s not fun, but I feel very grateful for my large support system, and tomorrow I’m trying out a CGM for the first time and applying for both it and a pump, so things are really looking up 

[physicalturian]

Did a full 180° - AFAB!Reader X Bokuto Koutarou

Summary : Bokuto has a day off, but when you're off on campus, you get a textfrom him an understand he feels lonelyso you return at the apartment to cheer him up. Cheering up happens, and a whole change of mood too [No pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] [AFAB!Reader]

Reader on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27535102

Warnings: smut; protected sex; slight daddy kink; hair pulling; clawing; penis in vagina sex.

When I woke up this morning, I had the pleasure to have my sleeping boyfriend next to me. It was one of his rare days off, one of the rare times he did not have to wake up at an unbelievably early time. It also meant one of those rare times I had the chance to snuggle up closer to his warmth before having to drag myself out of bed to get on campus. For a moment, I considered not going to that study group in the morning, that way I could spend more time with the beautiful man that was sprawled on my bed, but I knew it was the only way I’d force myself to study. Thus, it was with a lot of reticence that I left the bedroom, giving one last glance at his peaceful sleeping form before closing the door delicately behind myself as I got cleaned and changed in the bathroom.

 On my way to campus, I walked by a bakery to get a few pastries to eat on the way, taking a few for Koutarou once he wakes up. He sure had an appetite, so pastries may not be enough, knowing him we’d probably order in too. Fortunately, the group meeting was not supposed to last long, probably 4 hours at max, which meant I’d probably come back before Bokuto would wake up. My overexcited brain was already thinking of going back home and lazying around with him, simply enjoying one another’s company and sharing what was on our mind the moment it crossed it. Argh, focus. Focus, you’ll have the rest of the day to think of him, touch him, and be with him. Study mode, on. Head not empty, smart thoughts. I scolded myself as I stepped inside the large hall that was filled with tables and chairs, a lot of them empty since it was the morning; Sweeping my eyes across the room, I saw my friends at the table, coffee cup in hand and tired faces falling to the ground.

 I chuckled lowly to myself while making my way towards them, a wide smile on my face. “Why, hello morning people. Looking fine I see! Ready for some brain time?” their response was to grunt and dramatically let their head fall on their papers, the heaviest sigh leaving their lips. Actually, three of them were like that, the fourth one however was smiling tiredly as he greeted me with weak voice. The one on my left grabbed my arm to stop me from rummaging through my bag and looked at me in pure astonishment. “You’re too energetic in the morning, it’s gross. Next time we’ll study at 9pm- because, you see, those are the peak hours. It’s the best time to study, fresh air, leftover foods, and you can drink alcohol-“ “Alright, but you can eat right now too, you know, nothing’s stopping you. Also, I don’t think alcohol helps with focusing mate.” I said playfully, making my friend roll her eyes as she slumped on her arm in one last desperate move to get some sleep.

 Nudging the sleepy people awake once more, I tried to motivated them to study, and the only way I could do that was to say that there will be a break in an hour or so. Which happened after a while, it was a bit slow at first to get everyone’s brain started, but once it was active, and the caffeine had kicked in, they were ready to go.

 During the second break, it was around 11.15 am, I received a message from Bokuto asking me where I was. Surprised to see him awake to early, I thought his body was used to his routine and didn’t pay it any mind when I answered that I was studying on campus. His answer was, ‘Oh, ok. U coming back soon?’ there weren’t any emojis, any hearts. And that, worried me, greatly. I knew how he was; I knew he had ups and downs depending on the time, and maybe I was reading too much into it but there was definitely something off with him. So, I excused myself from my friends, telling them I needed to make a quick phone call.

Pressing his contact on my screen, I waited a few seconds before hearing him pick up and clear his throat before speaking. “Babe? Why are you calling, do you miss me already?” I knew, from the forced cheeriness that he was feeling bad. I did not know why, but I knew he wasn’t feeling 100% today. “Kou, what’s wrong? Please, be straight with me?” I didn’t want to push him, but I wanted him to be honest. Since he hadn’t replied right away, I walked further away where there wasn’t any hubbub and whispered into the phone. “Babe please answer me…” I heard him let out a shaky breath, then heard a shuffle on the other end of the line before his soft voice came through. “I’m just- lonely. I woke up and you weren’t there- and I feel really bad right now, and-“ he sniffled, using a tissue, to wipe his tears probably, “When are you coming back? I can wait for you, I’m sorry for-“ “I’m leaving right now, I’ll tell them there was an emergency. I’m not letting you be alone in that state, Koutarou.”

 He hummed in agreement, but did not say much more. Since he did not hang up, I assumed he wanted to stay on the phone a little bit longer, so I stayed, but still walked back to the table with my friends. With my phone still in hand and pressed on my ear, I gave them a nervous smile, “Hey guys, there’s been an emergency, I have to leave right now. Could we continue this later this week? I just, I really have to go, it’s super important.” “It’s ok, it’s all good. We’ll uh, do something in the meantime, but yeah sure we’ll reschedule that shit, no worry. You go take care of your man.” My friend then winked at me, and I was surprised they understood right away. Appreciative of their understanding, I gave them a curt nod and packed my stuff before rushing outside, and throwing my bag over my shoulder. “Are you still there Kou?” There was a muffled sound of something moving, then a thud, followed by a groan. I think I even heard a metallic noise, like a rattling but I did not know what I was.

 “Yeah, thank you babe… I love you, you know that, right? I just really miss you right now…” he mumbled. And while he mumbled, I could hear the way his throat was strained, his feeling getting caught in it as he spoke without much energy. I smiled and hummed softly, telling him that I loved him too, and that I also missed him tons. When he heard that, he breathed out a soft ‘Yeah?’ and I think I heard the faintest smile as he said so. And I proceeded to rant on all the things I loved about him, of course, I did not have time to list everything that I had reached our shared flat and was unlocking the door to the apartment. “I’m home, where are you babe?” I asked gently as I dropped my stuff on the counter and opened the door to the bedroom, only to be greeted by our drawn curtains and undone bed, no one in it.

 From the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow move in the room and realized it was the door to the closet. I quickly understood and hung up, rushing to the spot and opening it wide, finally seeing my partner sitting in the corner of the closer, his knees close to his chest with his arms wrapped around it. He hadn’t even gotten dressed; he was just in his boxer. And even though he was well-built, he looked so small like that; Looking down at him, I smiled before sitting down with him, my hands on his knees as I asked him to move his arms, which he did. “Is it a down day?” I asked, knowing full well the answer. He nodded. “Okay,” brushing his hair back, I brought him in a short tender kiss then pulled back, his face still sad. “Can you move back to the bed? I’ll join you in thirty seconds, okay?” Raising the corner of his lips into a small smile, he nodded as he pulled us up.

 I rushed to the windows and opened the curtains wide. Staying in the dark never helped with feeling down, so even though he complained about the light I let the light come through. Turning back towards him I took of my shoes and slid in bed with him, throwing the blanket over us as I did so. “Hello handsome.” I whispered right in front of his face, the blanket covering us over our heads made the situation a lot more intimate and it felt so nice. “Hey pretty face,” he replied, his smile a bit wider than before which was quite a relief. I grinned back and brought him in another kiss, that he returned desperately before we both pulled away and I kissed his cheeks, his forehead, his chin, his lips again, before asking him to turn around.

 Bokuto was a large man, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be a little spoon. Everyone needed to be hugged, to felt love and safe, and at this very moment he needed it so bad. So, I wrapped my arm over his shoulders and my leg over his hips before pulling him as close as I could to me. And just like that, he felt relieved, the tension in his body left as he brought a hand to his face. A bit unsure of what was happening, I placed a kiss on the back of his shoulder and tried to peak at his face. “Everything good, Kou?” I ask, barely over a whisper.

 I felt him shake a bit, then, after a few minutes, felt the rumble of his chest as he spoke, “I’m- yeah- I just- I’m actually so relieved right now. I don’t know- I don’t know why I was feeling so depressed- but now that you’re here it’s like… it’s awesome you know?” I did know, I understood how he felt. But it looked like he needed to explain it in more depth. Shuffling in my hold, he turned around, but grabbed my arm to put it back on his side, and brought my leg high on his thigh. His eyes widened for a second, then his cheeks flushed a darker color. “Fuck you’re actually so fucking gorgeous- but I was saying- it’s like- uh, when you were gone, there was this, this weight in my chest, and really hated it. I wanted you, I wanted to hug you- so when you did, it really lifted that weight off my chest, like literally.” I nodded, and rubbed his back once he finished.

 “I’m glad I could help, but for safety measures I think I should probably stick with you the whole day.” His face lit up, like fairy lights. It was the most adorable sight, so genuine and sincere it made my heart go crazy. Bringing his face closer to my chest, I heard him sigh in content as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I tightened my embrace around him, knowing he liked his hugs a bit tight, it comforted him. “Babe?” his speech was a bit muffled from being spoken against my shirt, but I had heard him, so I hummed inquiringly. “Are you mad that I interrupted your study sess’?” I huffed a laugh at his question, how thoughtful could he be even when feeling down?

 I shook my head, but quickly spoke when I realized he couldn’t see me. “Not at all, and also I don’t mind that you’re feeling down- and I’m okay with not doing anything today- and I love you and you can take all the time you need today, we can stay all day in bed. As long as you’re here, I’m happy.” Every time I was done with one thing, he was ready to ask another question, his insecurity-filled mind playing tricks on him. But I was ready to reassure him, he needed it, and I was giving it. He had to know he hadn’t done anything wrong. It took him a few seconds to take in what I had said, then he suddenly pulled back, his hands planted on the mattress as he was kneeling, sitting on his heels. The blanket that was covering us was now almost entirely off of me, since his whole body was like a pole for our own little tent.

 The sudden change of attitude surprised me, but I was going with the flow; He was smiling and that’s all that mattered to me really. “We can do plenty in bed babe.” He grinned before pulling the blanket off of us and crawling on the bed and between my legs. I felt a shiver ran down my spine from the sudden loss of warmth but couldn’t help the grin that made its way on my face. “Are you serious, Kou?” I breathed out, not believing how fast he was at changing the atmosphere around us. He leaned in and started bringing his hands slowly from my knees to my waist where he held the hem of my shirt and lifted it gently, looking at me in the eyes. As he lowered himself, he kissed my stomach once, “Very serious, you can’t blame me babe, have you seen how hot you are?” he asked dramatically as he kept leaving kisses on my exposed skin. I gasped at the sudden feeling of his tongue on my skin and gripped his hair to stop him, already feeling hot all over. “Kou, I was going to make this day all about you-“ Interrupting me, his face was suddenly looming over mine, a wide smile on it. “Making me feel good is about me, right?”

 Rolling my eyes, I felt my cheeks heat up at what he was insinuating, so I huffed a laugh and nodded, “Yeah I guess so, sure.” Happy, he crashed his lips on mine and kissed me once more, it was needy, I could feel how much he wanted this through only his kiss. Both of us were smiling “Good, good, because you feeling good makes me happy too- and I’m about to make you feel real good,” he put an emphasis on the real, as he pulled me closer and rolled his hips against mine. Smiling broadly, he asked me to wait a moment, and left the bed a second to come back with his hair pulled back by a hard headband. “I didn’t have time to style my hair after my shower this morning- do I look good?” While it was formulated like a question, he knew he looked good, and he knew I found him attractive. But I played along.

 “Bokuto Koutarou, do you realize that you’re a piece of art?” His cheeks flushed pink and his eyes were twinkling with pure joy; Leaning back on top of me, placing his hands on each side of my face after he spread my legs to settle between them. “Yeah? Go ahead, keep talking babe,” he whispers as he began kissing my neck gently at first, his tongue darting out to leave a trail of saliva on my skin before biting it just hard enough to get a reaction out of me. I cocked my head to the side to give him a better access, and let my hands wander over his back, “You’re- fuck you’re uh, good- you’re a great player and-“ I heard him laugh against my skin before leaning back, smirking. “That’s it? Babe I thought you liked me for my personality,” he pouted dramatically before chuckling and teasingly asking me what was wrong.

 I could only scoff before meeting his gaze, “I can’t focus for shit, my mind is just blank because all I can think about is your touch, your hands all over my body and your tongue-“ “You’re right babe, I should use my tongue more! Alright, here, how about you undress for me, then you come sit on my face?” I stared at him wide eyes for a few seconds, then managed to utter, “I didn’t say that at all, but I’m definitely not against it you want to, like I’m very much okay with that if you’d like to do that-“ I said quickly as I rolled out of bed to remove all items of clothing I was wearing, while doing that my boyfriend was looking at me intently; His tongue licking his lips while observing me, “I love your enthusiasm babe, you’re so good to me.” I felt my whole body heat up at his words, he had a way to make me feel comfortable no matter the circumstances. And seeing the way his eyes were roaming my body like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, sent a butterfly in my stomach.

 When I dropped my last piece of clothing on the floor, I looked up at him with an excited smile, “Are you sure-“ I barely had time to speak that he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bed, asking me to sit on his lap first. When I did, he took in the sight, his eyes wide in awe. “I’ll never get enough of you,” giving me a once over, he cursed under his breath, “Shit you’re so hot babe. The things you do to me!” he said quickly before leaning over and slowly planting kisses from my navel to my chest, his teeth barely scraped my neck before he grabbed my chin between his index and thumb and kissed me fervidly. I could feel his smile as we kissed, and hopefully he could feel mine, it was a bit messy, but oh was it filled with so much love. His hands were gripping my thighs tightly and without a warning he spread them wide before pulling me against his crotch. I laughed and had to hold onto his shoulders as he let himself fall down on the pillows.

 When the kiss was broken, we were breathless, our lips slightly swollen and I could feel my cheekbones hurting from all the smiling, which wasn’t bad. “Alright babe, come on, sit on my face, because there are other lips I’d like to kiss-“ “Koutarou oh my god-“ hitting his shoulder without any force, I then leaned in while holding his face and kissed him one more tender time before chuckling nervously. “Hit the back of my leg if you want me to get off of you, okay?” as I rose, my hands on the headboard, he made a noise and told me to stop, I sat back on his chest, and saw his smirking face. “It has to be something I wouldn’t do babe, and I don’t think I could stop myself from spanking you, you know? Have you seen how good looking you are? I want to make you make all kind of sounds, and I’m sure you’d make the prettiest one if I spanked you while fucking you with my tongue, you know?”

 My laugh got caught in my throat and I made a stupid strain noise as I looked down at his ecstatic expression. “I- you are entirely right, I definitely want to feel my favorite spiker’s hand hitting me hard.” Exhaling a long breath through his nose, he grinned mischievously before muttering he’d hit the headboard if he needed to stop, then he pulled me up to his face without further warning. I yelped as his strong hands gripped my ass, and rested my knees on each side of his face. I barely had time to put my hands on the headboard that his tongue darted out of his mouth and I felt the strong muscle brush against my core. A mute gasp left my mouth and I looked down at his face, he was starting slow, his eyes observing each of my reaction before speeding up. With that followed more sinful sounds; With each stroke of his tongue, my breath was getting heavier. He was smiling against my skin, I felt it. I also felt a jolt of electricity ran through my body when he moved one of his hand from my backside to use his thumb to play with my sensitive nub.

 I couldn’t help the loud “Fuck” that escaped my lips, and it made him chuckle, the vibration of his laugh sending even more pleasure coursing through my being. I couldn’t control myself and pressed on his face for more, I even took hold of his messy hair, my free hand still gripping the headboard like my life depended on it. The sounds coming from his work were even more sloppy, it was embarrassing and yet it turned me on; When I looked down at his face once more, he had a determined and teasing look on his face, when our eyes met, the strokes of his tongue started going faster and so did his circling on my clit. All I could muster between my strangled moans and panting, was the repetition of his name, “Kou, fuck, fuck, Kou”, it only fueled his pride.

 When I tried to roll my hips, he held me in place first before spanking my ass as strong as he could from the angle he was in. Clearly, it wasn’t as powerful as he would usually do it, but it felt just as good. I moaned loudly in response, and gripped his hair tighter before muttering an apology and moving my hand back to the headboard. Without ever stopping he grabbed my hand again and moved it to his hair once more, I understood he did not mind, so I resumed my action.

 At some point, when I said I was getting close, he stopped circling my clit and I groaned at the lack of stimulation but he quickly replaced his finger by his mouth and started sucking it. He kept switching between licking, giving long strokes of his tongue, then sucking my nub. After some time, the knot in my stomach had reached its peak and I let out a throaty moan when I finally came.

 My knees felt weak, and my entire body was burning but fuck did it feel good. I shuffled off of him to sit on his lap once more, and he sat up soon after, with the most gorgeous smile painted on his lips. I could see his skin glistening from my juice, and it made my face heat up even more. From his reaction, I think he understood, that’s why he used the back of his hand to wipe his mouth. “See, that’s how I like to start the day- fuck breakfast when I can eat you out, you know?” “For fuck sake, Kou- you’re- okay, you know what? I’ll ignore that sentence, because I don’t know how to reply to that.” I laughed before pushing him down. His eyes widened, and so did his smile, before he continued, “You can tell me how good I made you feel, and you’d love for me to fuck you.” I rolled my eyes and hummed at his words, mumbling that I could do that, yes.

 Slowly caressing his chest, I traveled his upper body at an agonizing pace. My hands roamed from his stomach, to his shoulders, to his hands that I moved to my waist for him to grip. “You make me feel so good, all the time Kou.” I whispered before placing a kiss on his chest, then looking up at him again, “And I love you, so much.” I kissed his neck. “And you’re such a great boyfriend.” And kissed his lips softly, his was reacting so strongly to each of my words. Every time he would tighten his hands on my waist, grounding against me with a needy moan. “And you’re so fucking pretty, and I want you to fuck me.” I finally said, right next to his ear. He was always responsive to soft words, while the man loved to fuck, he also loved to make love, he could be rough, but also so gentle. But when the compliments were returned to him, he turned into a puddle before coming back stronger.

 “Fuck babe, fuck- get me the condom, I so want to fuck you right now.” I could feel his erected member under my crotch as I got off of him to grab a condom from the drawer along some lube and handed them to him. Hurriedly, he sat up and opened the condom package with his teeth, I gave him a warning look but he gave me a thumbs up. “I didn’t break it, promise, I’m excited.” He said with a piece of the package between his teeth. He then scrambled to take his boxers off and roll the condom onto his cock, discarding the package on he ground as he laid back down.

 With his pretty grin, he patted his thighs and said “Come to daddy,” I rolled my eyes but did as he asked, grabbing the bottle of lube as I did so. Spurting some of the liquid on my hand, I then wrapped it around his cock to spread the lube all over. “So, I have to call you daddy, uh?” I said seductively while looking him in the eyes, his mouth was wide open while staring at me then he closed it, his eyes darkening. “Shit it’s actually hot babe, I was kidding but it’s actually hot-“ he seemed confused but still looked so hot, I continued what I was doing, squeezing his cock a bit tighter while doing so. When I thought it was enough, I spread some lube where Bokuto’s lips had previously been then moved higher on his lap to slowly lower myself onto his cock.

 I took my time to not rush things and get use to his size, but even like that it felt good. Perhaps was it because I could hear his praises as I lowered myself slowly, his soft voice telling me I was doing so good, that I was almost done and I was taking him so well. His hands were roaming my body like he had never touched it before, and was complimenting each part of my body while kissing them when he could. Once I felt comfortable enough, I rolled my hips a few times, earning moans from my boyfriend. “Fuck babe, can I be rough today? I really want to fuck you good, but like if you don’t, it’s alright I’m good with that too but-“ “Yes, yes, you can be rough, I would really like that too… Daddy.” It felt weird to call him that, but it seemed to spark something in him as he gripped me tightly and turned me over so that I was the one laying on my back, with him on top.

 “Just this time, you can moan that- and my name too, actually scream my name because I’m about to make you feel so good, I want everyone to know, alright babe?” It was said with such an innocent look, but his eyes were saying otherwise. He had lust in them, he had that strong look that send jolts to my core. He looked so hot like that, I only nodded in response but he shook his head, smirking. “Words babe, I want to hear you pretty voice,” he thrusted one time inside me, making me moan, then he stopped. “Here, let daddy hear more of that pretty voice.” I covered my eyes in embarrassment at the new addition, I didn’t want to get used to him saying that but the more he said it the more it suited him. “Alright, I won’t hold back.” He hummed in satisfaction and added, while slowly rolling his hips slowly, “That’s it, you’re so good to me.” Leaning over, he brushed his hand over my cheek and kissed me tenderly before starting thrusting.

 At first his thrusts were slow, we were both getting used to it slowly but he quickened the pace soon after; Our lips would desperately try to meet, to feel even closer that we already were, we would moan in the kiss, panting as we broke apart. I wanted to close my eyes and get lost in the pleasure but I also really wanted to see the expression on his face, the focus, the bliss on his face. He was simply gorgeous. I loved seeing his lips part as he’d let out a moan, each of them louder than the previous as he was getting closer.

 Grabbing the hard headband on his head, I tossed it aside and brought his face even closer than it already was, kissing him lustfully as my hands gripped his locks firmly. He groaned into the kiss, then grabbed one of my legs to place it above his shoulder to have a deeper access. I cried out his name at the change of angle, and moved one of my hand to my clit for more stimulation. Breaking the kiss once more, Bokuto was breathing heavily against my lips as he brushed his nose against mine, “I’m close, I’m so fucking close, are you close babe?” Huffing a laugh, as much as I could with my heavy breathing, I kissed him softy, our tongue battling for dominance until we pulled apart and I smiled. “Try harder pretty boy-“ the second those words left my mouth he started pounding inside me even harder.

 He abandoned my lips and sank lower on my body, kissing and sucking at each and every innocent spot a skin he laid his eyes on, attacking it. He was ravenous, his tongue traveling all over my body. When I clawed at his back, he suddenly bit me hard which sent me closer to the edge. “Do that again and I’m gone babe- fuck! No, actually, yeah, do it again, harder.” He breathed out, strained as he kept fucking me without ever stopping, I was getting closer too with his ministrations, feeling my whole body heat up more and more as the pressure in my lower stomach built up. Both moaning, I nodded, or tried, and followed his instruction, clawing his back in pleasure which made him lose it as he cried out my name in pure bliss, finally finding release. I whined his name when he stopped, his body sweating and holding me close, still inside me, “Kou you can’t do that to me, fuck please- don’t stop.” I panted, extending my arm to lift his head up and look him in the eyes.

 Grinning, he leaned towards the bedside table and grabbed something I couldn’t see from my spot, “I wasn’t planning on it,” he managed to breathed out, then suddenly resumed his thrusting, making me gasp in pleasure before arching my back to feel him more. My working hand was brought to a stop when my boyfriend grabbed it and placed it on his shoulder, “Let me,” he said in a low tone, then I heard the familiar muffled sound of my vibrator. I was about to tell him I was good without it, when he placed it right against my sensitive nub, and close to his cock too. “Oh fuck, fuck, Kou- it’s- god fuck,” I was gripping his shoulders with all my strength, arching my back to meet his thrusts and the toy, the bubble inside my lower stomach was growing, and growing at a fast pace. I think Bokuto was also close again from the non-stop moaning, and gentle words escaping his lips as he said this felt so good and that I was being so good to him.

 After a few minutes, I reached my peak and felt all the pressure in my body, leave as I moaned my lover’s name one more time before letting myself got limp in the mattress. I let him ride off his orgasm, which he reached quickly with the added vibration on his cock. After a moment, he moaned loudly and dropped the vibrator next to me before slumping on my other side, his chest rising and falling fast, trying to catch his breath. “You never told me that thing felt so good, we should definitely use it more often.” He managed to say, as he sat back down and took off the condom, tying it closed. “Why do you think I have it? Oh wait-“ Chuckling, I turned to the side and leaned on my hand as I watched my man throw the used condom and disappear from the room before coming back with a wet washcloth. “What?” He asked curiously as he kneeled on the mattress to clean my sore body.

 Looking at him with a grin, I sat up, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders. “Are we going to talk about the thing?” I’m sure I had a stupid smile on my face when I asked that, and it only confused him more. “Wait, what thing?” he asked quickly, pausing his washing. “The daddy thing.” I whispered playfully, elating nervous laugh from my boyfriend. His cheeks were already gaining color from the efforts, and now it was flushing in embarrassment. “Hey- that- I don’t know, ok? It sounded nice! I mean, I don’t want it to be a full-time thing, but like, if it happens again…” he shrugged, “I’d definitely be turned on, definitely, yes.” I hummed in understanding before grabbing the cloth from his hand and finishing cleaning myself before dropping it on the floor.

 “It was surprising for sure, but…” Smiling gently at him, I wrapped my hands behind his neck and pulled him down on me, throwing the blanket over both of us. “But it wasn’t too weird, I liked it.” I admitted, earning a surprised face from Bokuto who asked me if it was really ok, and I nodded. He sighed in relief before wrapping his arms around my waist, snuggling against my stomach. His hair was tickling my skin every time he’d move but I didn’t mind, if anything I was slowly falling asleep. “We should try new things,” he kissed my stomach softly then looked up at me smirking, “Because there’s a ton of thing I wanna do to you- oh and I can’t wait to show off what you did to me!” he then tried to peek at his back, where crimson red marks were displayed. At first, I felt bad to have done that, but seeing how satisfied he was with them being there, it only made me laugh.

 “Yeah, I will probably have to try to hide what you did to me, did you think I was ice cream or something?” I mumbled, looking down at the hickeys he had left all over my body. He laughed and started kissing all of them, muttering a sorry at each of them before finally looking up at me with a proud smile. “I mean… I haven’t had breakfast yet, so maybe I should eat more of you…” When he started lowering his face down between my legs once more, I gripped his biceps and pulled him up. “No, nope. Maybe later, but right now, we get out of bed, and we really eat. We gotta keep you in shape, star player.” I said softly before pulling the blankets off of us; However, I couldn’t leave the bed with how tight my boyfriend was holding me.

 Looking at him with a raised brow, I said his name in a warning tone. He only grumbled my name back, still holding me. “Please, can we just stay like that a bit longer, babe? I am so comfortable right now- and I really want to enjoy this moment with you because we hardly have times like because-“ I interrupted him with a stupid smile, “Alright, okay. But it’s just because you’re making valid points there, not because you’re stupidly cute like that.”

 With a beautiful grin painted on his face, he looked up at me once more, “Yeah? You think I’m cute?” I rolled my eyes and let my head fall back on the pillow, humming in agreement. “Yes, I think you’re cute. And very hot, and the way you use your hands-“ “Baaabe, I thought it was going to be sweet!” “Well excuse me, but right now all I can think about is your hands on my ass, so, it’s your fault really.” I shrugged, running my hand through his hair absent-mindedly.

 Snorting he gently brushed his hands on my back and spoke up, “Well, I love… your laugh, your smile… your voice, and you always make me happy! Whenever I see you, I just want to hold you close and never let you go.” I laughed nervously at his words and covered my face with a pillow in embarrassment, telling him to stop talking. Suddenly, the pillow the was covering my face was taken away and I was left staring at two golden orbs and one bright beautiful smile. “What is it?” I asked, confused. His only response was to kiss my nose, telling me I looked cute, before scurrying off the bed, “Let’s go eat, I wanna do stuff with you today! Come on, let’s go.”

 He helped me up my feet by holding my hands, and then handed me one of his shirts to wear. “And what are the plans for today?” I inquired, he shrugged in response, telling me he just wanted to spend our time together wisely. Then he looked back at me while putting on his boxer, “And maybe…” He approached me, placing his hands on my hips as I put on my pants, “Maybe we’ll continue where we left off,” he then slapped my ass hard, I gasped and turned around giving him a reprimanding look. “You don’t get to be hot right now, so you move your ass to the kitchen because I brought pastries.” He pouted and held my face gently in his hands, looking at me with pleading eyes, “Did you get the ones I like with the cream inside?”

 Huffing a laugh, I nodded; “Awesome! Alright, then let’s go! I’m actually starved- it’s funny to say you eat pussy, because it actually doesn’t really satiate much, you know?” I pushed him out of the room, my hands on his back, as I laughed loudly at his words. “Yeah, same for dicks you know, you suck dicks but they don’t taste that great.” I continued on the topic, making him laugh too. He then proceeded to talk about buying fruity condom, maybe that’d taste good.

 Dating Bokuto Koutarou was a roller coaster, there were ups and downs all the time, but I was there for him. Liking it a lot when he’d go down for sure.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Subterfuge

Part 8/finale in Getaway Series

Warnings: nonconsensual sex (vaginal ntercourse, violence), angst, general assholery.

This is dark!(nomad)Steve and explicit. 18+ only. PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS. I mean it, I’m not gonna tell you again.

Summary: The reader makes her move.

Note: Alright, so this is the final part of this series and I’m shocked that I’ve finished it bc I was struggling boo. But here ya go. I hope you all are ready and I dunno if you’ll like it, but this is the end.

Anyways, let me know what you think as always with a reblog and/or some feedback. Love ya <3

...

You watched your mother as she set the casserole dish in the middle of the table. She hadn’t said much to you since your arrival. She avoided it as she distracted herself with the family dinner. Your sister sat across from you, she meant to say something but had yet to find the gull. 

Your father was the only who was unfazed by your presence. Never the talkative type, he at least looked away from his book for more than two seconds to acknowledge you. He greeted you with a hug and asked after your day. 

The tension of thoughts unspoken kept you silent too. You waited at the table and resisted the habitual urge to take your phone out. That would only be a reminder. Of how terribly everything could go. Your last hope were the texts you quickly erased upon reading. The emails deleted within minutes of receiving them.

Tony Stark had a plan and it all hinged on you. And Steve. Agents were in place to descend on your apartment the moment you sent the code word but their target had been absent for almost five days. Just like his presence, it made you anxious. He had been away for longer before. You should be relieved to be free of him, but you knew it was only temporary.

Your mother served everyone before she sat. You twirled your fork but even the savoury aroma of her family recipe couldn’t rile your appetite. You may not know when Steve would show up next, but you knew the end was imminent. All you had to do was send the word. One word and he was done.

“So, honey,” Your mother’s voice was hesitant. “How have you been?”

“Working,” You replied. “You know, the same old.”

The sound of cutlery against the plates filled the silence that followed. 

“And how’s Nick?” Gia asked suddenly. You looked up to her grin and narrowed your eyes.

“I wouldn’t know,” You said. 

“Gia,” Your mom warned.

“Oh come on, the last time we saw her, her ex was tryna fight her new boytoy.” Gia trilled. “Our family can be dramatic but that was--”

“He’s not--Nick is just...Nick.” You interjected. “Jesus, I came here to be with all of you and you’re treating me like some...pariah. Should I have worn a scarlet letter for our dinner?”

“We’re worried,” Your mother intoned. “We don’t know this Nick very well and after what happened with Ethan--”

“Ethan hates me. He has every right to.” You snarled. “What do you want me to say? He was right, I’m a slut.”

“Language,” Your mother reproached.

“I’m an adult! I’ll use whatever language suited to the situation.” You dropped your fork and crossed your arms. “Why aren’t you saying anything to Gia as she dates a man nearly two decades older than her, hmm?”

“We love you, we just want to make sure you’re okay,” Your mother protested.

“Then leave her alone,” Your father spoke up as he swallowed a mouthful of casserole. “Pete’s sake, she’s told you a dozen times. Let her make her own mistakes. Judgin’ her’s not gonna do her any favours.”

You blinked and looked to your dad as he leaned back in his chair. 

“This Nick boy causes any trouble, I’ll deal with him myself.” He shook his head. “Just like I dealt with Ethan.”

“What?” You lifted a brow. “What does that mean?”

“I had a talk with him after the barbecue. Told him to leave you alone. He’s angry. Hurt. But I told him it’s no sense hounding you and making you both more miserable than you already are.” He sighed. “It will pass. All of it.” He looked to your mother pointedly. “So let it pass and be nice.”

You mother sniffed and stared at the table. Gia glared at you over her plate and you tapped your fingers along the wood. You nodded and slowly stood.

“I’m not hungry.” You said. “Besides, I didn’t come here to eat. I came here to spend time with you. I thought, stupidly, that we could be friendly.” You stepped out from between the chair and table. “I love you. All of you. I just think I need some time.”

“Honey,” Your mother stood, “Please--”

“I’ve got work tomorrow,” You neared her and forced your arms around her. “I’ll see you.” 

You let go of her and patted your sister’s arm as she sulked in her chair. Your father stood and hugged you in turn. He clung to you a moment before he held you at arm’s length. His wrinkles deepened as he considered you.

“Take care of yourself, kiddo,” He said.

“I’ll try, dad,” You slowly parted from him and his hand fell from your shoulder. “Bye.”

You grabbed your coat and jacket at the door and looked back into the dining room. Your dad watched as you opened the door and disappeared out onto the street. Well, there wasn’t as much at stake as you thought.

-

‘Dear Mom, Dad, Gia, or whoever finds this letter,

If I'm missing or dead, I want this to be a record of why. If this man gets the best of me, I want there to be a chance that someone might get him.’

Your hand hovered over the paper as you thought. The small book light lit your words as you sat in the dark. The mattress was lumpy, its time on the floor had worsened its springs. You flicked your pen against your lip and bit the cap. Slowly, you pressed the ballpoint to the paper again.

‘It happened up north, on vacation with my friends, Kaya, Camile, Milani, and Corette, as well as my sister, Gia. They do not know what happened but they can confirm that they left me alone for several hours to visit the beach. During which I was accosted and assaulted by the fugitive known as Steve Rogers. He was bleeding and left me bleeding in turn.

I returned at the end of the week to the apartment I shared with my boyfriend, Ethan. For a few weeks, my life was the same as it was. But then he appeared again, broke into my apartment, and assaulted both me and Ethan. He made Ethan watch as he raped me and this led to the end of that relationship.

Thereafter, living on my own and without witness, I was visited almost weekly by Steve Rogers. He introduced himself to those I knew as Nick and coerced me into hiding his identity. If you capture him, you will find footage of at least one of his assaults on his phone. You will also find that he once more assaulted Ethan at one of my family’s events.

You will also note my correspondence with Stark Industries. They can provide you with a full transcript as I have erased all evidence on my end to keep myself safe. If they have failed to aid me in capturing the fugitive, then this letter will be of use to you. I only hope that he is caught before he can do this to someone else.

In the event that this letter is read, I want my family to know that I love them. I am sorry I didn’t tell them the truth but it was for their own safety.’

You leaned back against the pillow and re-read the letter. You shivered and folded it up carefully. Your last testament. All that would remain of you should this all go to shit. You got up and tucked folded the paper up so that it fit behind the upholstery of your jewelry box. When Steve arrived, you’d text your mother your hiding spot. You only prayed Steve didn’t discover it first.

-

It was your day off. You didn’t sleep and so you showered and dressed early. Unsure of when the bell would toll, you determined to make what could be your last day to yourself entirely self-indulgent.

You spent an hour in the bookstore. It was ages since you visited the familiar aisles, browsed old titles and new. You still hadn’t read the last haul of books you’d taken home with you. You weren’t sure you ever would but the smell of paperback comforted you. It reminded you of a time before; the alphabetized spines were the only order in your chaotic life.

You paid for a collection of Poe’s stories and made your way to the cafe next door. Many of the bookstore’s patrons ended up here. It was bustling that day but many took their coffee to go. You ordered a tea and sat in the corner, a round-backed armchair with another beside it. Empty.

It was easy to feel lonely these days. With a secret you couldn’t share with anyone; a torment you faced on your own. You left your tea to cool on the small table between the chairs and opened the book. Many of these tales you’d read before but each time you read them, they felt new again, though the sense of horror was nothing compared to that you faced outside the pages.

“You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded –with what caution –with what foresight –with what dissimulation I went to work!”

You began to slump in your chair as you read the descent into madness, the almost inhuman insanity did not seem so fantastical anymore. Perhaps, Poe’s horror wasn’t fictional, but a reflection of the depths of humanity. Of how low one could sink when their soul is corrupted.

A shadow moved beside you and a cup was placed next to yours. The book fell closed around your finger as you let it rest in your lap. You stared over at your villain. Steve sat down heavily and smirked over at you.

“Is this what you do with your free time?” He asked as he ran his hands along his thighs, smoothing the wrinkles from the worn denim. 

You pulled your finger from the pages without marking your place and set the small volume behind your cup. You took your tea and sipped as you looked around the cafe. “It’s what I’m doing today.”

“It’s been a while,” He remarked as he picked up his own cup and cradled it just above his lap. “Do you think this will save you?”

You turned and squinted at him. You drank again. The tea was lukewarm and acidic. “Save me?” 

“All these people,” He glanced around. “Do you think that will stop me?”

“I know it won’t,” You replied and took another gulp before setting aside the dregs to cool entirely. “So what are you waiting for?”

He laughed and raised his mug to his lips. He drank the dark coffee and placed his mug next to yours. “You don’t give up, do you?”

“And neither do you,” You countered. 

“I don’t,” He said as he leaned over the arm of his chair. “And let me assure you, I’ve dealt with people far more formidable than you, girl.”

You nodded. This was what he did. He enjoyed it; taunting you. “I’m sure you have.” You examined the lines of your palm. You itched to grab your phone but could not make it so obvious. “Where have you been, anyway?”

“Doing my valiant duty. Saving the people who need saving.” He said smugly. “You know, the ones I was outlawed from helping. This world seems to have forgotten that without me, they’d be in ruins.”

“Is that how you make it okay in your head?” You looked at him. “Hmm? This?”

“This is what I’m owed. You. A single life for the millions I’ve saved.” He reached over and touched your arm, his fingers danced along your shoulder. “I’m fucking hard already.” He pulled away and pushed himself to his feet. “Meet me in the mens’.”

He turned and strutted away as you watched him. His broad shoulders disappeared down the narrow hallway that led to the facilities. You sighed and grabbed the book of horror stories from the table. 

You stared at the cover, the silhouette of a raven. A bad omen; a harbinger of warfare, of death. You grabbed your purse and replaced the book on the table. You didn’t need horror stories; you were living one of your own.

The walk along the hallway seemed longer than six steps. The clinking and steaming of the cafe kitchen disguised your footsteps. You passed the ladies’ and stopped in front of the mens’. You didn’t knock but stepped inside with resignation. 

Was this the climax of your story? How then should the denouement bring you lower?

Steve reached over your head and pushed the door closed as you entered. His hand slipped down and turned the lock with a loud click. He grabbed your arm and yanked you away from the door as he turned you to face the small sink.  You dropped your purse as you gripped the porcelain.

You looked in the mirror at yourself as he let go and hastily undid his fly. “Come on,” He tugged your shirt up and grabbed the waist of your jeans. 

You flicked open your fly as he shoved your pants past your ass. The heat of his body surrounded you. You looked up. Your eyes weren’t yours. They were dark and haunted. Your features were marred by shadows. You felt hollow as his hand brushed against you and he pushed your shoulders forward.

You closed your eyes as he entered you. It hurt. You were dry and he was impatient. It took him a few thrusts to reach his limit. His hand went to the back of your neck as you shuddered and grasped the sides of the sink. He crushed your hips against the porcelain as his hushed grunts floated above you.

“Fuck,” He swore as he slipped his hand around your front. He felt between your folds and rubbed your clit. “I should’ve come yesterday.”

You bit your lip as you hung your head forward. You kept your eyes shut as each thrust came harder than the last. The cold porcelain grew slick beneath your palms. You slid forward, your face closer to the mirror. His hand crept around your neck and your back arched as his fingers tightened at your throat.

Your breath whisked from you as the sounds of the cafe crept in beneath the door. You felt yourself slicken around his cock. Your body worked against you. His flesh slapped loudly against your ass. You couldn’t stifle the heat as it flowed through you.

You gasped as he sped up. Your hands slipped as his left your neck. He caught your arms and held them back as he fucked you. 

“Open your eyes.” He growled. You shook your head and he jolted into you painfully and stopped. “I said open your eyes, girl.”

Your jaw set and you slowly opened your eyes. His blue eyes were cavernous as they stared back at you in the mirror. He began to move again. Your body rebelled and continued its ascent. You breathed through your nose, trying to muffle your pleasure as he ripped it from your flesh. You squeaked and trembled as you came. He watched, pleased at your surrender.

He pulled you away from the sink. He dropped your arms and wrapped his around your middle as he rutted into you. You reached back to touch his thighs, pleading wordlessly for him to slow down as each thrust sent a ripple through you. 

He jerked against you and spasmed as he threw his head back. He hissed as he came and rocked his hips slowly as he spilled inside you. You were weak as he released you and you stumbled forward as he pulled out. 

He chuckled as you caught yourself on the sink and his cum dripped down onto your panties and jeans. He edged you out of his way as he grabbed a paper towel and turned the faucet. You took some toilet paper and turned away from him as he cleaned himself up. You tried to do the same but still felt dirty when you were done.

“I’ll be out there,” He said as he zipped his fly up. “There’s an alarm on the fire escape so let’s not play games.”

“Alright,” You grumbled if only to get him to leave.

The locked clicked and the door opened and closed. You wiped off your panties and jeans as best as you could and pulled them up. You locked the door and grabbed your purse off the tile. You dug around and found your phone buried in the mess. 

You leaned against the wall as you typed in the single word. You stared at it as your thumb hovered over ‘send’. Once it went through, you had less than an hour before agents descended on your apartment. You sent the second, the one for your mother and shoved your phone away. 

However this ended, Steve would no longer be your personal scourge.

-

The car ride was silent. It always was with him. It was better that way. The only words he had for you were cruel. You kept your eyes forward and watched the road through the windshield. Play it cool. This was the hardest part. The anxiety. The impatience. For your doom or his.

Your building was a spectre against the grey sky. A storm was moving in. You got out and he followed. The usual smack on your ass. You pulled out your keys as he pushed himself against you. He was hard again.

“We’ll have some fun on your day off,” He teased as you unlocked the door. “Better than your books.”

You stayed quiet. He didn’t expect an answer. He knew you wouldn’t. This routine had become too familiar. Too rehearsed. Too easy.

You led him up the stairs. With each, your heart beat just a little quicker. The keys jingled in your hand and you realized your were shaking. You stopped in front of your door to gather yourself and find the right key on the ring. He leaned against the wall and ran a finger down your side.

“You’re...excited,” He mused. “I can hear your heart racing.”

You looked over at him, the key poised just before the lock. “You can?”

“Yeah. I hear a lot, you know? Your heart, the blood flowing through your veins, your breath before it rises,” He smirked and you slid the key into the bolt and turned. “Serum gave me a lot more than muscles, didn’t it?”

He flicked your chin playfully and drew away. You held back your retort and stepped inside. Your apartment was as you left it, not a single speck of dust missing. You blinked as you entered the small living room. A furtive glance to the windows. 

Did they get your message? Were they really coming?

Steve walked around the room as he stretched his arms above him. You watched him as he strolled around the small space. He neared the window and looked out, his figure a wraith against the grim sky. He twisted the plastic rod and the blinds closed.

He turned back to you and his hands went to his hips. That classic stance you’d seen on posters. Captain America. The saviour of the world. He laughed.

“You’re heart is still going,” He slowly inched across the room. “Faster now. Fuck, you’re gonna have a fit, girl.”

You swallowed, your mouth dry as you gripped your purse. You looked down and saw your phone through the open zipper. You couldn’t just pull it out and check. You hadn’t felt a vibration. 

He neared, his shoes decisive against the hardwood. He was like a hawk circling. You looked up and backed away as he came closer.

“You really think Tony Stark would believe some small town girl?” Steve grinned and your chest clenched. “Hmm? You think you’re some spy with your code words and your covert messages? Your plan to have them storm your pathetic apartment?”

Your lips parted in shock as if you’d been slapped. No… Your flesh turned to stone as you met the wall and pressed yourself to it. 

“I’ve faced real spies. Let me tell you, Hydra was a lot more intimidating but I tossed them on their asses. But you, you think you can bring me down?” He chuckled as his hand came up to grip your chin. “What do you think I could do to you?”

Tears rose along your lower lids and your lip trembled. You should’ve known. It was too easy. Another trick. A bug on your phone; your computer, too. He knew it all and you were too desperate to think. Stupid.

“Think of what I’ve already done,” He leaned in so that his nose was almost touching yours. “Of what I’m going to do now.” He pressed his forehead to yours. “It’s over, girl. Just like you wanted it.”

He pulled away, his hands balled as he glared down at you. His chest rose and fell as his jaw ticked. You wiped away the tears before they could fall and sniffed. You stood straight as you looked back at him defiantly.

“Fine,” You declared. “Then end it.”

You were stunned as his fist met your jaw. Your stumbled back and your head hit the wall. You slid down slowly as your legs turned to jelly and the room faded slowly before your eyes. You gripped your pounding skull as the strength drained from you. You looked up at Steve as he loomed over you and your vision swam with stars.

“You really thought you could get away from me?” He knelt as your eyes began to roll back, his voice floated in your ears and into the void. 

-

When you awoke, the world was moving. When you awoke, you were shocked. Were you really alive or was this the purgatory you’d always denied? Your head lolled and you stared at the driver of the car. No, you were still painfully alive.

Steve’s features were limned in sunlight. It was either a new day or a new place. His blue eyes bore into the winding highway ahead. Your jaw ached terribly and your head felt like it was full of cement. You babbled weakly.

Your hands were tied together. Your ankles too. The seat belt was buckled around you and kept you from sliding down the seat.

“I really thought I might’ve killed you,” He said. “I hit you a bit harder than I meant to.”

You grumbled. No words would come.

“That’d be too easy. I’ve been too easy on you and you didn’t appreciate it at all. I let you stay in your shit hole apartment, let you see your family, let you live your life when it’s not your life. It’s mine.” The steering wheel groaned as he gripped it tighter. “You’re mine.”

You mumbled and felt the sting of tears as the world closed in on you.

“It’s all over now, girl,” Your eyes closed again. “You don’t even know how good you had it.”

His words were scribbled across your dreams as you sank back into unconsciousness. You dozed and woke at intervals. He allowed you a drink of water from a bottle and a piss on the side of the road. You barely recalled the stops as your world was clouded in shock and pain.

You were shaken awake for the last time. Your door was open and Steve felt along your jaw roughly. 

“It’s not broken.” He stated and unbuckled the seat belt. “See, another thing to be thankful for.”

“Steve,” You rasped. “Please…”

“Please, shut up,” He spat and pulled you out of the car. “Come on, hop, bunny.”

He tugged you forward and you were forced to hop on your bound feet. There was a farmhouse just ahead; long-abandoned and slanted. The fields were overgrown with weeds. This was where he’d leave you. 

“Just get it over with,” Your words were clumsy through your swollen jaw.

He didn’t reply and continued to drag you towards the barn. He slid the door open enough to angle you through. He led you to the corner where a pile of rotted boards rested. He let go of you and you wobbled on your feet as he began to move the rubble.

Beneath was a small hatch. This was tornado country. These vaults were built decades ago to keep families safe when the sirens sounded. Except the hatch was more than the usual wooden door; it was metal, shiny and new, a bolt on its face.

He took a key out and unlocked the hatch. He turned and bent to pick you up. He slung you over his shoulder and your head spun. He slowly carried you down the steps. He put you back on your feet and you wavered. 

The light from above lit the shadows. There were shelves along the far wall, illegible packets and cans lined the middle shelf. A bed sat a foot from the shelves against the wall; a metal frame with a thin mattress. A toilet was attached to the wall along with a small sink. A single lightbulb hung from the ceiling.

Steve untied your hands and your feet. He stood and shoved you towards the middle of the room. You caught yourself on the bed frame and turned back.

“Welcome home,” His smile was sinister in the dim. 

“No,” You gasped and neared him. He pushed you back easily and you fell on your ass. “Please, don’t do this. Just kill me, please.”

“Kill you? I never wanted that,” He scoffed and turned to set his foot on the bottom step. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back to check on you. Now and then.”

He started to climb the steps and you got up unsteadily. As he reached the top, you grabbed onto the stairs and tried to come up after him.

“I’ll throw you back down,” He warned as he pulled on the steps and slowly raised them. You clung to them as he tried to wriggle them away from you. “You’ll be worse off if I break something.”

“Steve, you can’t--” Slivers embedded in your skin as he yanked the steps free from you and raised them up after him.

“Now, now, girl,” He knelt and looked through the hatch at you. “Is there anything I can’t do?” He slowly lifted the door as he spoke. “Don’t you worry, I’ll keep an eye on the family for you.” He taunted as he slowly closed the door, the light draining away inch by inch. “Be good and I’ll let you know.”

He dropped the door entirely and it clanged shut. The lock turned and you were left in darkness. Tears rolled down your eyes and light sparked in your blurred vision. The light bulb crackled to life above you, a small beacon in the pit. You could hear him moving the boards back onto the hatch.

You turned blindly and fell onto the bed. You were poked by the corner of a familiar shape. You sat up and grabbed the book from atop the thin blanket. The silhouette of the raven shone beneath the wire. The book fell open as your sight came clearer through the tears. The world clearer through the dark. The scraping and steps above faded away.

“Then silence, and stillness, and night were the universe.”

[transistus]

Stage One Phalloplasty: Experience and Results

[Trigger Warning: Genital mention, surgery]

The following post documents the most memorable parts of my experience having phalloplasty along with my recovery.

I had Stage One RFF Phalloplasty privately on the 18th February 2020 under Mr Christopher from St Peter’s Andrology Centre at The London Clinic Hospital.

17th February:

I arrived at the hospital at 18:00 ready for surgery at 9:00 the following morning. 

I would be staying at The London Clinic for a week so I packed the essentials: loose joggers and a baggy shirt for when I would leave, my phone, laptop, dressing gown, toothbrush, deodorant, face wipes, dry shampoo, eyemask (so useful as there was always some form of light on), and laxatives (trust me, if you have a long surgery these are a must-have once you can use the loo).

Upon my arrival, I was surprised to see that the hospital was more like a hotel if you looked past the medical equipment. It had decent-sized rooms, a concierge service, and very good food from a broad menu that you ordered at the start of each day.

Anyway, that evening after getting signed in I had my pre-op checks, ordered some dinner and then spent the rest of the evening relaxing before turning in for the night. I didn’t sleep particularly well due to the new environment and anticipation about having the surgery. The fact that I was having phalloplasty didn’t set in until I was on my way to the theatre the following morning.

18th February:

I was woken by a nurse at 7:30 who did some final pre-op checks on me before the surgeon, Mr Christopher, came to see me just after 8:00 to discuss the procedure. I was told that the surgery would last between 6-8 hours and warned of all the possible complications once more. Once he was finished, I signed my consent form and he marked on my arm the size the graft would be. Shortly after he left, the anaesthetist came in and discussed what she would be doing and I was presented with another consent form. Once that was signed she informed me that a nurse would take me down to the theatre in the next 30 minutes.

At this point, my nerves set in regarding being under anaesthesia for so long. I’ve never had any issue with aesthetic but this was the first time I was somewhat anxious about it, after all, there’s a huge difference between being unconscious for 2-3 hours and 6-8. Despite that, I remained positive that the surgery would work out just fine and that I wouldn’t have any serious complications. I reminded myself that I was fit, healthy, and in good hands. A positive mindset helps a lot, which was something that the nurses I chatted to emphasised.

A nurse came to get me shortly before 9:00 and I was escorted downstairs to the theatre that was, and I kid you not, the most horrific shade of bright green I’d ever seen. I made myself comfortable on the bed and the last thing I recall was happily chatting away to the anaesthetist before waking up in the ICU with a nurse reaching down into the cast my arm was in asking if I could feel her touching my hand (I could).

I was in theatre for seven and a half hours.

To say I had some brain fog upon waking up would be an understatement but I was in good spirits. My arm was held upright in a purple sling (and would be in that position for the next week) and I was hooked up to all sorts of things including a morphine administration button. In all honesty, I was never in any real pain as if anything started to ache I was quick to nip it in the bud before it had a chance of getting worse. Mr Christopher came to check on me not long after I woke up and informed me that the surgery went very well which was a relief.

After just over an hour in the ICU, I was wheeled up to my room where I asked for my phone and was quick to let my partner, mother and friends that I was alright before dozing off.

For the first four days, a nurse would come to check my blood pressure and the circulation in my phallus every four hours (then every six hours after that). The circulation was checked using a doppler and thankfully there was the sound of a heartbeat when it was held there meaning that the artery was supplying blood to the area. It was such a fantastic feeling being able to look down and see something there (that, in my mind, was always supposed to have been there). The phallus itself was supported from underneath by some padding to keep it at an angle to allow for a steady blood flow. I was told I’d have to keep it upright for three weeks.

19th February:

I was woken early for breakfast, and although my appetite wasn’t fantastic I did my best to eat what I could. I was told that I would be bed bound for another day and little did I know how frustrating I’d find being stuck in bed. 

Now, you’d probably think that the pain in my arm and groin would be atrocious, but you’d be wrong. I had no pain in my arm and only a dull ache in my groin that was easily kept under control by the morphine. If anything, it was the staples in my bottom that were by far the most uncomfortable part of this whole experience in and out of hospital until they were removed two weeks after surgery. Trying to make myself comfortable with staples digging into my backside was a never-ending challenge.

In the afternoon, my partner, mother and best friend came to visit me for a few hours which was great (it was good for them too to see that I was fine as well). I was sad when they left, but I had my laptop and plenty to watch to keep me occupied.

20th February:

I had a rough night's sleep which wasn’t helped by a tension headache that was likely caused by the position my arm was in. Thankfully the physio came to visit me and helped me work my arm a little which helped and I was instructed to regularly move my hand to keep the circulation going. 

By this point, I was already fed up of being trapped in bed, there was never a comfortable position to do anything (even sitting up was uncomfortable) especially with my arm stuck in one position. The nurses did come to give me a bed bath in the afternoon which definitely improved my mood and after dinner I was later told that I would be getting out of bed tomorrow which I was looking forward to.

21st February:

This was the day I got out of bed and it was such a relief. After breakfast, the physio and a nurse came to unhook me from all sorts of cables and assist me in standing up. Once on my feet, I went for a walk around my room and up and down the hallway outside. Apparently, I did extremely well getting up and moving around so much as a fair amount of people who undergo the same surgery struggle with mobility, so knowing that I was doing so well was a great boost to my morale. 

I was able to finally sit at a desk too which was so much more comfortable than the bed (though the staples still caused a lot of discomfort even with me sitting on a pillow). My mother also came to visit again and was there to help me with some more walking about. Just before dinner, I had the catheter removed and was able to go to the loo. 

Pain wise, today was when I stopped using morphine as the oral painkillers the nurses provided me did the trick. As for my phallus, the doppler kept showing that there was a pulse and whenever it was inspected by the surgeon or nurses I was told that it was healing very well and there was no cause for concern.

22nd February:

I had all the remaining drains and tubes removed today and began walking up and downstairs with the physio with no issue. 

I spent much of the day trying to eat more, binge-watching shows and documentaries and getting on with some writing (I got a surprising amount of writing done despite being down one hand!) 

Today was also the day I had my first shower with the aid of one of the nurses and getting cleaned up properly was wonderful.

23rd February:

This was my last day in hospital, by now, the nurses only came to give me my pain medication (just Paracetamol and Ibuprofen) every four hours or if I called for them. Above all, I was looking forward to going home, being with my partner, and sleeping in my own bed.

24th February:

Discharge day and the day I saw my arm for the first time.

I had breakfast as usual, then not long after that a nurse came in to remove the dressings on my arm to let it air for a bit before redressing it so I was ready to leave. I wasn’t horrified by the sight of my arm, but it was still a shock that made me a little queasy at first as it’s one thing to see pictures of the graft and another to see it on your own body. I was given an antiemetic which helped the nausea subside in a few minutes and then I was left to my own devices for an hour. 

The graft was purple and raw as expected and was longer than average due to me having thinner arms. Mr Christopher made it clear before surgery that he would need to take more skin to make the phallus an appropriate size and width because of the lack of fat on my arm.

My arm was redressed with Mepitel, gauze, and bandages and I was given a sling to keep it up at an angle. I was then provided with a bag of medical goodies (namely lots of Mepitel, bandages, gauze, tape, and a supply of Paracetamol and Ibuprofen). I was also instructed to send weekly photo updates to the surgeon so that he could advise me if anything needed to be done, luckily I had no complications with it. 

My mother and partner came to pick me up at 13:00 and it was such a good feeling to be finally heading home.

The Following Weeks:

After leaving the hospital I thankfully didn’t have any issues with pain as taking Paracetamol and Ibuprofen every four hours did the trick. I only needed a lie down once during my first week back home, but other than that I was up and about as much as possible when I wasn’t at my desk as I was eager to get back into my routine. 

Mobility wise, the only things I struggled with was trying to put on socks and getting clean which my mother helped me with. Now, just because I was so mobile doesn’t mean that recovery was easy. I was exhausted both mentally and physically almost all the time. Being up and about for longer than ten minutes was tiring and I needed a sit down to recover afterwards. 

Sleeping was awkward as I had to try and keep my arm elevated so I made use of two pillows to keep it as upright as possible at night. During the day I just held my arm upright when at my desk or kept it in the sling. The staples in my bum remained by far the most uncomfortable part of my recovery as sitting ached, using the loo ached, and lying down ached. I couldn’t wait to get the damn things removed.

I returned to Harley Street two weeks after surgery for a check-up and to have my arm dressings changed and staples removed. My phallus was healing nicely and my arm had improved a lot in just one week much to my surprise, it just looked like raw skin with some blistering (which was normal). All in all, everything was healing well, all I had to do was make sure the dressings were changed once a week at my local surgery.

As for the staples in my bum, they were removed one by one, but luckily much of my backside was still numb so I could only feel a few of them being pulled out. Once they were all out I was so much more comfortable, I just had to be careful not to rip the incisions, keep them clean, and redress them with the plasters I had as needed. The only issue I had was a small tear about an inch and a half long and half an inch deep close to my inner thigh which did heal up after another week and a half.

I mentioned earlier that I had to keep my phallus elevated (which unfortunately made it look like I had a permanent erection so travelling necessitated a long coat) so it was so great being able to remove the padding once I was three weeks post-op. Being able to let it just hang in place without the underlying fear of anything tearing was wonderful. All I had to do now was leave the last of the incisions (underneath and on the tip) to heal and to have my weekly check-ups. My phallus was healing well too. I had scabbing along the incision sites but they were improving by the day. 

After a month had passed, I returned to Harley Street where a nurse slid a tube down my phallus to make sure that I hadn’t developed a fistula that would block the neo-urethra - I hadn’t, but even if it had it would be corrected during Stage Two. I then had water squirted down my phallus to make sure that it went all the way down and out without issue. I was instructed to do this regularly to make sure the neo-urethra remained unblocked. I was also given permission to soak my arm in saltwater twice a week to lift off the scabbing. I still visited my local nurse until the 30th of March for a weekly inspection of the graft, but outside of those visits, I would redress my graft once a week on my own after a soak and airing time.

Five Months Later:

As of today, I’ve healed up extremely well and couldn’t be more pleased with the results so far! My phallus looks like I was born with it and it is a decent 5” long (which is what the surgeon aims for). 

Regarding my arm, I did have stiffness and swelling in my hand, fingers, and wrist that finally eased up after three months (exercising it and taking Ibuprofen regularly helped) so everything is back to its original size now and has full range of motion.

Sensation-wise, I started developing a tingling feeling on my phallus when it was touched at around two months after surgery which has since spread to the tip. It’s not a tactile or erotic feeling, but more of a sharp nerve sensation that is often displaced. The stinging does mean that the nerves are alive and will hopefully develop more sensation over the next two years.

Now all that is left for me to do is wait until I can book Stage Two which I should have had in May-June, but due to COVID it has been postponed like all other non-essential surgeries. Despite needing two more surgeries, I remain optimistic that I'll heal just as well as I have done already!

I hope this post was helpful and as always, if you have any questions, feel free to send me a message and I'll do my best to answer them!

[rosy-roulette]

Baekhyun: Uncharted {Part 2}

Characters: Baekhyun x female OC (feat. EXO)

Genre/series warnings: werewolf au, vampire au, angst, fluff, eventual smut so uh this will be 18+, mentions of blood (should be implied), sexual themes and seduction, swearing, violence/mention of violence, stalking(?) kinda?

Summary: After being turned into a vampire over 100 years ago, Chu Aejung has seen how terrible humans can truly be. She’s lost enough in her life time and makes the decision to not put herself in a position to lose anymore. Secluding herself in the forest around a bustling city, she thought she succeeded. But when a particular werewolf reveals to be anything but an enemy, they both step into uncharted territory.

a/n: sooooo this took longer to write than I thought lmao. I promise to get more content out for you guys because its summer and I have both more time and a load of ideas to write about so yeah.

Previous ~ Next

Baekhyun and Chanyeol showed up in the afternoon. Chanyeol didn’t stay very long; said he had “things to get to” but Aejung knew he just didn’t want to be around her. Baekhyun on the other hand, looked like we didn’t want to be anywhere else. He started making himself at home as soon as Chanyeol left. He set his duffle bag on one of the wooden chairs in the kitchen and began to take out personal belongings. He put his own toiletries in Aejung’s bathroom, placed his own pillow on the couch along with a fleece blanket he brought, and found an open outlet for his phone. Aejung leaned against her door frame and watched him scurry around the house as he hummed softly to himself. She thought it was kind of funny, cute even. Baekhyun finally flopped onto the couch and looked over at Aejung, a lopsided grin plastered on his face.

“Comfy?” she asked sarcastically.

“Quite” Baekhyun answered. “Want to join me?”

“Nope.” Aejung said, popping the ‘P’.

Baekhyun pouted, not liking her answer.

“Though what I do want is set some ground rules.” She said, taking a few steps forward.

“I’m listening.” He said, sitting up.

“One; I’m still going to continue with my normal routine and you can’t stop me. Two; you’re not allowed in my room. Three; no more following me without me knowing.” Aejung counted on her fingers. With every rule Aejung spoke, the more the grin on Baekhyun’s face dropped. “And four;” she paused, “The wifi password is Wings18970, capital ‘W’.”

His smile was back as he immediately pulled out his phone.

“Didn’t know you found a way to get service up here.”

“Of course I did, it would be so boring up here are you kidding?” Aejung laughed.

Baekhyun fell silent for a moment. “Why are you up here Aejung?”

Her smile fell. “To get away from people. You try being alive for as long as I have and you would want to keep your distance too.” She crossed her arms over her chest, looking at her feet.

“How...old are you exactly?”

“How old are you?” She retorted.

“27.”

Aejung frowned. “I’m...22.”

“Ok, how long have you been 22 for?”

She stayed quiet, refusing to answer. But Baekhyun didn’t push. He simply waited.

“...122 years.” She mumbled, her voice barely above a whisper.

Baekhyun nodded.

“You’re still relatively new huh?”

“100 years is still a long enough time to see how ugly the world is.” Aejung said, her voice dripped with venom.

“I can imagine.”

Silence fell between them, neither of them wanting to talk more about the subject.

“What’s your favorite color?” Baekhyun broke the silence with the simple question. Aejung burst out laughing at the attempt to switch from the heavy topic to a lighter one.

“Yellow.”

“Really?” Baekhyun raised his eyebrows at her.

“What? Surprised?”

“Kind of.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck. A sheepish grin spread across his lips.

“What’s yours then?” Aejung asked, sitting on the arm of the couch. She didn’t realise she had moved so much while talking to him until then.

“Black, grey, and white.” Now it was Aejung’s turn to be surprised.

“Wait really?”

“Did you expect a different color?” He turned his body to face her.

“Yeah, I expected something brighter.”

“Why?” Baekhyun laughed.

“I don’t know, brighter color that matched your personality?” She said, subconsciously running her fingers through her hair. Baekhyun shrugged.

They continued to ask each other questions, slowly learning more about one another. They avoided the heavier, more personal questions though. Neither one of them wanted to talk about anything that could cause the other to get uncomfortable. They didn’t realize how late it had gotten until Baekhyun’s stomach growled in the middle of their conversation about the best clothing stores in the fashion district. Aejung snickered while Baekhyun’s cheeks turned a soft pink from embarrassment.

“Wait is it really past 6 already?” Baekhyun said in disbelief as he looked at his phone.

It had started to grow dark outside but they hadn’t noticed because of how deep in conversation they had been in for the last few hours.

“Shit I don’t even think I have anything for you to eat” Aejung’s eyebrows drew together as she got up off the couch and towards the fridge.

“For me? What about you?” She heard him call from the living room.

“I don’t need to eat, I survive off of blood remember?” Opening it she sighed in annoyance as she looked at the bare shelves, the only food occupying the space was a bottle of wine she had sometimes. Closing the door, she returned to the living room.

“We are going to have to go on a little trip to the store to get you food for tonight and the week because I have absolutely nothing here.”

“So wait  you haven’t had food in 122 years? At all?”

“No Baekhyun, I have not. I don’t have an appetite for human food anymore. Sure I can eat actual food if I wanted to but I don’t really care for it. Now can we go?” Aejung groaned.

“Alright, alright.” Baekhyun raised hands in surrender as he got up. Stepping out into the porch Aejung turned to Baekhyun with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“I’ll race ya?”

The corners of Baekhyun’s lips turned up into a playful grin. “Alright. Loser has to cook dinner.”

“Deal.” As soon as the words left her mouth Aejung sprinted full speed into the growing twilight, laughing as she heard the surprised werewolf yell something about cheating being wrong from behind her.

                                                       ~~~~~

Aejung and Baekhyun stumbled through the front door with their hands full of food items. Setting the bags on the counter Baekhyun started preparing food; he lost the bet but Aejung had a sneaking suspicion he let her win on purpose. It wasn’t long before the smell of cooking meat and vegetables filled the kitchen. Aejung watched at as Baekhyun worked while bickering back and forth about whether he let her beat him or if Aejung really is faster than him.

“No you took off before we even set up a starting point. That’s cheating! That’s why you beat me, that’s it.” Baekhyun pointed the tongs at her accusingly.

“If you’re so fast you should have been able to catch up with me Baek. Sorry just admit that the reason why I won is because I’m the faster runner than the two of us and it’s because I’m a vampire.” Aejung shrugged, grinning ear to ear. Baekhyun just shook his head as he went back to grilling the meat.

“As a wise man once told me, don’t hate the player hate the game my friend!” She twirled around the counter she was leaning on and towards the fridge. Baekhyun scoffed but didn’t look up at her until she placed a glass of wine next to him.

“I thought you said you don’t care for human food.” he said, raising his eyebrow.

“Yeah I don’t.” She took a deep drink from her glass. “But this stuff is good.”

Baekhyun chuckled as he turned off the stove and got a plate for himself.

“Are you sure you don’t want any?” he said, reaching for a second plate from the cabinet.

“I’m good. I have all I need.” Aejung lifted her glass to him before taking a sip. He nodded before loading up his plate. They sat at the small table in her kitchen in a comfortable silence. They picked up where their conversation last left off until Baekhyun stifled a yawn behind his hand.

“Alright you look about ready to pass the fuck out. I’ll let you sleep, let me just grab the extra blanket and pillow for you from my room.” Aejung said as she got up from her chair.

“Aw you’re giving me a blanket and pillow? How sweet of you!” Baekhyun called from the kitchen sarcastically. She can almost hear the smile on his face.

“What? You really thought I was just going to make you sleep on the couch with nothing? I’m not that mean!” She called back. Baekhyun was going to yell back that he already brought his own pillow and blanket, but he kept it to himself.

 Aejung came back into the living room and threw the items onto the couch before turning to look at him.

“Bathroom is down the hall over there. I’ll be in there, call if you need anything. Good night.” She quickly pointed towards with two doors she was speaking of before turning around towards her own room to prepare for the next day.

“Awww you’re not going to tuck me in?” He asked, his bottom lip jutting out.

“No.” She deadpanned before turning back around on her heel and disappearing into her room for the night, wonder what the fuck she got herself into.

[wazzupmrstark]

Under the Weather

Harrison Osterfield x Reader

A/N: Wrote this because I’m sick as heck and really in the mood to cuddle with a certain cute British actor so here ya go.

Summary: You wake up sick one day, but avoid telling your boyfriend, Harrison because you know he’d leave work to take care of you.

Warnings: little bit of swearing, lot a bit of fluff

Word Count: 1.5k

The thermometer beeped loudly, the noise adding to the already insufferable headache you had. It wasn’t a good sign. You took it out of your mouth to look at it. 101.2 degrees. You sighed. You were supposed to have a big meeting at work today, but that wasn’t going to happen anymore.

You flopped back onto the bed dramatically. You’d already woken up kind of late, and now you couldn’t go into work at all. If your office didn’t have a policy about not coming in when you’re sick, you’d be at that meeting, half dead, presenting your pitch for a new exhibit in January. You’d spent weeks researching artists and carefully hand-selecting pieces that you thought would compliment all the other art in the west wing nicely, but your portfolio might as well go in the trash now. The exhibit was probably going to go to some perky new hire who thought modern abstract was the height of art itself. You huffed in frustration and buried yourself further into the covers.

Other people might have enjoyed a sick day off from work, but you loved your job behind the scenes at the Met, designing and setting up new exhibits to showcase. And of course today had to be the day you came down with something, the day everyone in your department was competing to head the design for their chosen exhibit.

You forced yourself to stop wallowing and actually make the call into work to tell them you weren’t coming. You thought about texting Harrison, who’d left earlier this morning to go shoot for his new movie, but refrained. If he knew you were sick, he’d make an excuse to come home and take care of you. You were already missing out on being at a job you loved, you didn’t want him to feel obligated to do the same.

Besides, you could take care of yourself. You’d been doing it for years before you met Haz. You weren’t even feeling that bad, at least that’s what you told yourself. You managed to get yourself out of bed and onto your feet so that you could grab some aspirin from the medicine cabinet and Gatorade from the fridge.

The pills were difficult to swallow with your sore throat but you managed to get them down without breaking too much of a sweat. Everything ached and you felt yourself shivering. You knew it was probably best to just go back to sleep and let the meds kick in, so you turned up the heat in the apartment and curled up in bed.

A few hours later when you woke up, you weren’t feeling any better. Another go with the thermometer told you your temperature was now 101.3. You popped some more pills and microwaved some chicken noodle soup since you hadn’t had anything to eat all day. While you had been asleep you’d missed a lot of messages from your boyfriend who was understandably getting concerned.

9:38 am Haz: You’ll never believe what I just got to do :)

9:45 am Haz: ....

9: 45 am Haz: I got to do a stunt with flips

11:23 am Haz: Y/N??

11:56 am Haz: lol are u mad at me?

11:57 am Haz: we weren’t fighting when I left this morning

12:14 pm Haz: seriously Y/N is something wrong?

12:18 pm Haz: ok if you don’t reply in the next 5 min I’m calling you

You didn’t want him to call and hear how sick you were so you quickly texted back sorry babe busy day and went back to fixing your soup. You felt a twinge of guilt for lying to him, but busy could mean anything. Like right now, you were busy with your lunch.

You set everything on a tray and brought it back to bed, having exerted all of your strength on preparing the food. You couldn’t be bothered to sit at a table to eat it. Once you were in bed you turned on the Disney Channel to Kim Possible reruns. Watching cartoons when you were sick always comforted you. You chuckled to yourself as you looked at the spread in front of you. Gatorade, soup, and, rainbow goldfish crackers. It looked like something you would eat for lunch in elementary school. You snapped arranged the goldfish into the shape of a heart and snapped a picture of your lunch for your instagram story, including Kim Possible playing in the background. You added the caption “just another day in the third grade” before posting it and actually eating your soup.

The warm broth felt good on your throat and you abandoned both the chicken and the noodles in favor of the broth. The crackers went untouched too. You knew you should be eating real food, but you had no appetite. At least you were getting fluids.

As soon as you set your tray on the floor in preparation for taking another nap, you phone started to ring. You frowned at it. It was Harrison. You coughed a few times to get it out of your system before answering.

“Hello?” you asked in your best healthy-person voice.

“You’re sick aren’t you,” he accused. No greeting or anything. Still, just the sound of his voice almost made you tear up. You wanted nothing more to be in his arms at this very second, but you wouldn’t let yourself be selfish.

You stifled a cough and lied “....no.”

Harrison laughed bitterly over the phone. “I saw your instagram story, Y/N. You’re not at work, you’re having soup and Gatorade, and you’re watching cartoons. You hate soup.”

You bit back a curse. Your boyfriend knew you too well. “I’m just not feeling the best, that’s all.”

“You lied to me. You said you were busy.”

From over the phone you couldn’t tell if he was truly angry or not. “I...was.” Another lie.

“You sound awful. I’m coming home,” he declared. You heard rustling in the background and you assumed he was packing his things up into his backpack.

“No!” you protested, coughing impulsively from straining your voice. Harrison was quiet on the other end. You cleared your throat. “I’m fine, just a little under the weather.”

“You wouldn’t have stayed home from work if that was the case. You had your pitch meeting today.”

You laid back on the bed in defeat. Damn your synced calendars, damn your body for betraying you, damn you caring boyfriend, damn it all. You felt tears pricking in the corners of your eyes.

“You don’t have to come home, Haz, I can take care of myself.”

When he spoke again, his voice had softened. “I know, baby, but I want to. We were almost done today anyway.” He half chuckled. “I know I’ve only been gone for a few hours, but I miss you.” You could feel your heart clench in your chest. “Unless you really don’t want me to come home...” He waited. You were silent. “Hello?”

“I do,” you felt your entire body relax as you said the words, your voice coming out even hoarser than before.

“Hm?”

“I do want you to come home, Haz,” you admitted finally. “I just didn’t want to be selfish and pull you away from work.”

“They don’t need me here anyway,” he scoffed

Even in your feverish state you rolled your eyes. “You’re the lead of the film”

“Co-lead,” he corrected you. “I’m on my way now.” You felt yourself smiling weakly. “Get some rest, and I’ll be home when you wake up.”

You woke up to warm arms wrapping themselves around your shivering body. A lazy smile made its way to your face and you craned your head around to look at your boyfriend. Harrison kissed your forehead gingerly and smiled back at you.

“You’re burning up.”

“Thank you captain obvious.”

“Not even the plague could stop you from being sarcastic, could it?” he shook his head, reaching over you to grab the thermometer off the nightstand. You giggled and snuggled further into him. “I should have known this morning. The bed was warmer than usual, I just thought I was hot.”

“Yeah you are,” you said weakly and Harrison smirked in amusement.

“Here open up,” he said and stuck the thermometer in your mouth.

“That’s what she said,” you joked and winked with effort.

“My god, she’s gone delusional,” Harrison laughed and nestled his head onto your shoulder to watch the numbers on the thermometer.

It started to beep and he took it from your mouth with wide eyes. “101.2, that’s not good.”

“Hm, it went down.”

“Y/N Y/L/N you’re unbelievable,” Haz gaped.

“What?”

“Next time you tell me you’re just ‘feeling a little under the weather’ I’m coming home immediately. You should have told me how sick you are.”

“I know, but I knew you’d come home and I didn’t want you to miss work,” you sighed.

He rubbed your arm comfortingly. “One day isn’t going to kill anyone, and I’m home because I want to take care of you.” You smiled, blinking up into his blue eyes sleepily. “When you get hungry again I’ll make you some grilled cheese.”

You felt yourself falling asleep, but grasped his hand in affirmation. Grilled cheese was his specialty. “Get some sleep,” he encouraged when he saw you fighting to stay awake. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

[greennightspider]

Fated Instinct Chapter 3: The Breakthrough That Breaks You

Summary: Sequel to Cabin in the Snow. Akari finds herself in a predicament after an accidental overnight stay in a cabin grants her the title of fiance to the chieftain-to-be M’Baku himself.

Author’s Note: Two chapters within hours of each other? You bet I did *smirk* One thing I did want to mention is that frequently in the series you’ll see the vocab/language change from informal to formal. It’s on purpose don’t worry, depending on the situation. For example when Akari is serious her tone becomes a lot more formal and direct, and same goes for Nocawe and M’Baku whenever they gotta take care of business. P.S. Geev mee reactions and comments i love <3 Now on with the shooooow!

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14  Chapter 15  Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18  Chapter 19  Chapter 19(2),  Chapter 20  Chapter 20(2),  Chapter 21,  Chapter 22, Chapter 23,  Chapter 24

Bonus Chapter 21.5

M’Baku x Akari (OC)

M’Baku growled as he stalked the halls of their training centre. He thought that after their talk that everything would be alright. Yet, he hadn’t seen Akari in days. Even though he would see her in their classes and their training sessions, he never could seem to catch her. She would always leave straight after, or would move to the farthest place from the room.. And thanks to this damn ritual, he felt her absence more than he wanted to admit on the outside. His body and heart ached to have him near her. It was it was killing him.

And it was killing her too. Evidently her absence of M’Baku had taken a bigger toll than she had thought. Granted she hadn’t thought much of their connections beforehand, but as she tried to suppress it she could feel in her very bones grow stronger every day. It was starting to give her a headache. She hoped to try and find some relief from the healers in the market, she was willing to try something. Anything to try and stifle the craving of hearing his voice.

“Akari!”

Akari stopped in her tracks as she heard him approach. She cursed under her breath. It had been going so well. She tried to convince herself. Until now.

Turning around she glared at M’Baku, as he approached her in his training gear, his arms and head still slightly slick with his exertions from training. “If you’re looking for an apology for almost killing you you’re not going to get it.” 

“Akari it’s been three days we have even talked.” M’Baku stopped just in front of her. “Why are you running from this?”

Akari’s mouth twitched, M’Baku clearly striking a nerve. “I have never run away from anything.” she hissed.

“What else would you call this?” He hissed back. “Akari. Why are you avoiding me.”

“Look M’Baku. Just because I believe you about the cabin, doesn’t mean I’m just gonna roll over and be a doting homemaker. This engagement was an accident. Nothing….” Akari struggled to even believe her own words as she took in M’Baku’s frame in their proximity, feeling a heat pool inside her, an urge to be closer to him. “Nothing more.” 

Akari tried to shove her way past him until she heard M’Baku call out. “Don’t make me do this Akari.”

“Do what.” She said, equally as threatening but still trying to get away as fast as she could.

“As your future leader I order you to stay.”

Akari stopped dead in her tracks, turned around on her heels and gave him the most lethal of scowls. But she stayed put.

Commands were binding.

M'Baku had never used his rank in such a way, but he needed Akari to at least give him a chance. He slowly walked towards Akari until he was toe to toe with her. His eyes were darker now.

“Don’t. Move.”

Akari never broke eye contact, her gaze remaining strong until transforming into surprise as she felt M'Baku’s hand slip around her waist. But she held her ground.

Until his fingers gripped her gently but firmly pushing her towards him, bringing their faces a hairs breadth from each other.

Unconsciously Akari slid her hands against M'Baku’s chest.

“You know that everything I said, everything I did in that cabin, I meant it. Everything you told me in that cabin? I kept in here.” M’Baku brought Akari’s hand over his heartbeat. “Whatever this is, it is not nothing.”

M’Baku moved with Akari, gently guiding her backwards until her back was against a small alcove hidden from all that went past, bringing them even closer together. She struggled against her senses as his scent wafted between them, smelling of sandalwood and freshly washed furs. With each step M’Baku had taken the urge pulsed within Akari, growing with each beat. It was making her silently beg the built wall of muscle towering over her to touch her. Hold her. Grab her.

Almost as if he had read her mind he drew his hand to her face, caressing her cheek softly as he held it in his hands, not letting Akari look away. Akari drank in those eyes and all of a sudden, their time in the cabin came flooding back. How M’Baku had held her that last night. And the night before that, spent in his arms as his warmth surrounded her. She would’ve shaken her head to try and rid her brain of these thoughts if M’Baku’s hand hadn’t moved to her chin and raised it up to her.

M’Baku drank in the girl before him, dressed in a dark red singlet and black cargo pants with fur boots. Fists clenched. Her chest rising and falling unsteadily. Clearly in turmoil. Fighting the need. “Tell me you don’t yearn for this.”

He moved one of his hands flat against the wall on the side of her face, encasing her in his presence.

“Tell me you don’t feel it.”

M’Baku let his head drop to the crook in her neck, taking in the scent of macadamia oil in her hair, letting his nose brush against her neck as she stifled a whimper.

“Tell me you don’t want me.”

Akari couldn’t take it anymore. M’Baku saw her break before she crashed her lips in a kiss, drinking in the need that had been suppressed for too long.  M’Baku groaned in response, indulging in the sweet taste of Akari’s mouth that was finally on his. Akari’s eyelids fluttered as the knot that was coiled in her began to unravel, M’Baku both sating her and making her want more. M’Baku continued to indulge in the girl he had been dreaming about, as the same dream started to invade his sleep more frequently, and more vividly. His tongue begged entrance to her lips and she willingly complied, his tongue instantly dominating hers as he moved to conquer her mouth and her thoughts. Gone was Akari’s will to deny herself this beast of a man. He kissed her passionately and hungrily as Akari moved to grip the front of his tunic, losing herself in the ministrations of the warrior before her.

“M’Baku, where are you man?”

Both of them snapped their eyes open. Akari pulled away breathless as she stared at M’Baku, his eyes momentarily scanning the hallway for the voice. And in a moment of pure spontaneity, born out of nerves and Akari’s own mortification, she broke through M’Baku’s hold and raced down the hallway, ignoring M’Bakus shouts of her name. She set off for the throne room, knowing right now she needed to talk to her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hello, my child.” Akari stepped forth. “What brings you here?”

“I-I-I wanted to ask about the ritual.” Akari stuttered, damning her own anxiousness that was making her jumpy. Fortunately Nocawe could see the poor girls’ nerves from where she was sitting, and gestured for her to join her. “Come, sit.”

Nocawe was currently seated on the floor of the throne room, eating a persimmon while leaning on a pillow. While most days Nocawe was inundated with ceremonies and official business, everyone knew that in her occasional leisure times her favourite activity was eating. The only thing that ever rivalled appetite for food was her appetite for training. ‘Balance’ she had called it once, when at the last festival she had bought once of every item from each food stall and proceeded to pile them on the head table. Overall she was not a chieftess who acted above her own people and everyday struggles, and Akari was grateful for this as she sat beside her, gathering the courage to confide in the older woman.

“My chieftess I am not sure about this engagement. It was an honest mistake, we did not kno-“

“Oh I know.” Nocawe nonchalantly remarked between mouthfuls, wiping the juice with the back of her hand. “Did you know that no one else has ever been on that peak in such a snowstorm for as long as you two have? No one has even seen such a snowstorm in our lifetime.” Nocawe continued, as selected a different side of the fruit to work on. “There’s no way it was a mistake. It may have very well been the will of Hanuman”

Akari was quiet as she pondered Nocawe’s words. She was not used to confiding in others, but she knew she needed to at least try if she wanted her answers. “Even still Nocawe I am… afraid.”

“Of M'Baku?” Nocawe’s eyes suddenly turned angry. “Has he done something to you? Do I need to beat his a-“

“Of myself chieftess. These…. urges,“ she blushed before looking away. ”It is hard for me to know what is me and what is the ritual.”

“And what if they were both?”

Akari thoughts came to a standstill.

“The ritual was only meant to bring out something that was inside you, to the surface. The ritual is not some love potion. It is a sacred binding of two souls into one. It would not have worked otherwise my child.”

“So you mean…”

“Whatever your doubts, whatever your worries, know that the ritual cannot bind something that is not there. It is meant to strengthen a bond that is already in place.”

Akari felt tension that she didn’t know she had wash away with Nocawe’s explanation. If Akari was being honest with herself, she had needed the affirmation that what M’Baku maybe felt for her wasn’t forced or just part of some accident. Or that what she maybe felt for M’Baku had a chance at being something real. ”Thank you, Nocawe. You have softened the biggest of insecurities. But I will admit I need… time. To take all of this in.”

“Of course my child. You are young, and you are right to be nervous.” Nocawe placed her hand over Akari’s and gave it a tight squeeze. “I hope you know that you are welcome to talk to me about anything. But be warned Akari, the ritual will heighten your hunger for each other in every way, and while I understand your need for time, the bond may not give you as much as you want.”

Akari nodded, already understanding the truth of those words more than Nocawe could know.

Tag List: @skysynclair19 @junesbride @great-neckpectations @muse-of-mbaku@hippiesandpeacesigns  @jackburtonsays @coonflix @hi-looo12 @bonyg @someareblindtoitsbeauty @wheredidallthedreamersgo @romanceoftheeveryday@msblkshot710 @peaches-bbygrl Lemme know if I missed you or you wanna be added because I know I keep missing peeps I just dont know who >.<

[lindoig3]

Sunday/Monday, 17/18 February

Sunday

A ‘sort of’ lay-day.  After our big adventure, we decided to take it easy. We had a late brekky after our usual bedside puzzles and then caught up on the washing, a few minor chores and got our blogs and Facebook entries a bit more up to date.

Lunch was a salad with the last of the delicious spicy meat pie we brought from home.  Maybe the recipe for that is on Heather’s Pinging Chook blog – definitely a keeper that we will make again and again if only for the pleasure of eating it (why else anyway?).

Mid-afternoon, I went off birding and did two 20-minute stationary surveys and one that half killed me. I walked over a kilometre up and down gullies along the edge of the Darling (there was some water in this part of the river), but it was over 40 degrees and by the time I got there and back, I was gasping for a cold drink and had aches and pains in all my muscles from exhaustion.  It was a very interesting survey though and I saw lots of birds – thank heavens for the car fridge and icy cold drinks when I finally got back to the car.

Back in the van, Heather was finalising some of her postings too and then it was a dip in the pool – in fact both pools.  The temperature in each pool is quite different – one is obviously heated a little – but the cooler one was the one we spent most time in.  I am not usually one to go swimming, but particularly after my long hot walk, it was a wonderfully cool and relaxing and helped build a bigger appetite for dinner.

Anyone reading this might be tempted to conclude that our trip consists of me eating, drinking and birding, but that would be a mistake.  I have also been driving, sleeping (not always at the same time) and watching the odd DVD.  It has certainly been an enjoyable few weeks so far, despite our couple of minor hiccups.

Monday

Heather heard from Joe, the horse-whisperer, at Belarabon, the Station we wanted to visit as we headed southwards, and he is in Alice Springs doing some charity work for a few weeks so our plans are a little askew.  We will probably still visit but won’t plan to spend long there - an hour or two with his wife, Mel, will probably see us out instead of staying a few days as we imagined might be possible.

This means that we have some extra days to explore along the way so we decided to go further north and east and visit Lightning Ridge again, always a fascinating place to spend some time.

We were late leaving Bourke - almost noon, after a fairly casual morning packing up and a little shopping in town.  Then it was off to Brewarrina again and a stopover at the Lift Bridge for lunch.  While there, I did another survey and saw a bushlark - a first for us - and a pale-headed rosella that we have only seen a couple of times before.

Rather than staying on the highway to Walgett and on to Lightning Ridge, we decided to go via Goodooga.  It was a fairly hard drive with some reasonable road, but a lot of very rutted loose sand that required intense concentration and strong wrists and arms to keep our rig on the straight and narrow, even at 50 or 60kph.  Goodooga is a rather sad little place, almost totally aboriginal, with very ramshackle tumbledown sway-backed houses, mostly fibro and other very cheap construction materials.  Everything is very dilapidated and much of it obviously unused.  A very forlorn little town that the rest of the world seems to have forgotten in my assessment.  But we did see some interesting birds – four banded lapwings that we haven’t seen for a few years.

The road on to the Ridge was then all bitumen but extremely bumpy and we felt like we were riding a bucking bronco for much of the way, rocking and rolling like you wouldn’t believe. We finally arrived at about 7pm and drove around assessing the several van parks before booking in and gulping down some coldies from the car fridge.  As much as we have been disappointed with the van fridge, we have certainly had our money’s worth out of the one in the car. I simply don’t know how we could have survived the trip without it.

We sat outside in the breeze to enjoy our drinks allowing the van to cool a little with the A/C going full pelt.  We had cooked some corned beef and an array of veges in our Dreampot and we enjoyed a superb meal in a slightly cooler van but it was a VERY hot and sleepless night.

The water here is hot! Really too hot for showers - almost too hot to let the water run over you.  I thought the water in our tanks may have been cooler so turned off the mains supply and used our own water but even that was too hot.  I suppose being enclosed in the tanks for a couple of weeks in 40+ degree temperatures doesn’t allow it to stay cold.  I think the maximum temperatures for every day since we left home would average at least 40, with the highest certainly over 45.  38 or 39 feels like a cool change.

[wellesleyunderground]

What is Self-Care to the Wellesley Community? [Follow-Up]

A few weeks ago, we raised the question about what specifically self-care is in the context of hashtags and Instagram photos of bubble baths and face masks. In response to our call for the W community at large’s thoughts, here are some of the responses we received:

What do you consider self-care?

To me self-care involves making improvements to my life that will benefit me long-term. Allowing myself to stay home (saying no to outings); exercising and having a gym membership; going to therapy and taking the time implement new strategies; working towards taking my experiences seriously - medical, romantic, appetite, mood, etc.

-Jane Park, ‘04

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Doing a face mask at home, getting takeout, working out but not pushing myself too hard, being gentle with myself, meditating, trying to get a decent amount of sleep.

-Ayesha Anwar, ‘16

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I see self-care as the steps we take to become ready to confront and destroy the systems that hurt us, rather than as a way to navigate and further support those systems. Self-care, to me, is recovering from the damage that capitalism and the gamut of structural oppressions wreaks on all of us (and some of us more than others) -- and finding ways to increase our capacity to dismantle those systems. -Anon, ‘12

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Saying NO. Specifically because I am the kind of person who instinctively says "yes" to everything. Sometimes because opportunities seem exciting, often because I feel a sense of obligation to my work, my family, my friends, etc. But I end up exhausted, overstretched, and depressed when I do this, and also I immediately let slide my health, my eating habits, and my sleep (which to me are the fundamentals of "self-care"). So as painful as it is, learning to say no is one of the biggest building blocks of "self-care" I am trying to learn.

-Katie, ‘14

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Self-care means prioritizing my healing and doing things that help me connect to myself, my loved ones, the communities I belong to, my ancestors and nature-most of these don’t require money; sitting at my altar, hiking, dancing, yoga at home, having dinner with my chosen and blood fam, game night, listening to music, going for a walk. Self care also means doing things to counter the harms of the daily capitalist, phobic and ist day. So if most of the day requires isolating myself at the conputer in order to “produce” then laughing with friends helps me counter that.

-Janet, ‘96

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Showers, sleep, doctors appointments, medical massage, books on tape, idle time, connecting with family/friends

-Raji, ‘14

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Some very essential skills I learned in therapy: keeping a schedule, getting out of my damn apartment everyday, doing things I might enjoy even if I don't want to. Going to every single therapy appointment. Asking for help when I need it.

-Anon, ‘04

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Following deadlines, waking up early and getting out of bed -- so I don't feel shitty or stressed later on.

-Anon, ‘13

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To me self care means what a person needs to do in order to have the best possible mental health. For me, I like to practice self care by running and volunteering.

-Anon, ‘09

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Taking time for rest, reflection and appreciation.

-Emma, ‘16

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To me self care is a spiritual practice. It means changing my routines so I'm caring for my spiritual self just as I care for my body and my mind. Taking time to journal and meditate, or to be outdoors is my self care.

-Liz, ‘18

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To me self-care is ensuring that everyday I workout, go for a walk during work hours, spend time with my dogs, eat well and drink lots of water. Self-care is the daily care of my body, mind, and my soul. When I can I call long distance friends and go hiking but those are not everyday tasks that I am able to do so in order to cope with everyday life I need to make sure that I am consciously taking care of myself.

-Sophia, ‘15

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For me, self-care is about carving about spaces/times where I can fully be myself. So much of my life is spent reading the room and figuring out who I need to be and when, withholding or censoring parts of myself or identity depending on who is present. Anytime, I can be 100% me, person who watches Love & Hip Hop and Basketball Wives and also owns every Hanson album 1997 to the present, feels both liberating and like self-care.

-Anon, ‘09

What do you think of the #self-care trend?

The capitalist co-opting of self care is honestly embarrassing. The idea that you can reach wellness just through buying things is harmful to us all, but especially poor folks. Plus, the #selfcare trend was at points a way that I got in the way of dealing with my own mental health. When dealing with depression, I would say that self care meant laying in bed all day and skipping responsibilities. This isn't self care, it's self destruction. Self care on a bad day looks like taking a shower and making sure I eat, not making excuses for my worst impulses.

-Liz, ‘18

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#selfcare on instagram appears a bit misleading, but it helps put self-care into our daily vernacular.

-Jane Park, ‘04

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I think it's good! While there is an element of it that promotes consumerism, I think the idea of self care being spread is a good one, and helps remind people to be mindful of their own wellbeing.

-Anon, 16

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I appreciate that self-care gives me a way to name and confront the ways that capitalism harms me, and (as above) to recognize myself beyond my capacity to produce labor. at the same time, capitalism has already weaponized self-care as complacency. I don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing and meeting your own needs, but there's a pretty sick and tidy irony in the way that capitalism hurts us, then exploits recovering from that hurt as a market, then tells us that participating in that market is enough to fix our problems. Commodified self-care is just coercive, performative femininity by another name, marketing ways for women to feel that they are failing to do and be enough. the solution is, of course, to purchase products and display conspicuous consumption. Just as we're not going to ~save the environment~ through taking shorter showers, we're not going to overturn capitalism or confront systemic issues by buying commodities. self-care has become an aesthetically-packaged set of the master's tools. speaking of Audre Lorde, I also think it's worth underlining that a revolutionary black woman did not come up with the concept of self-care as political warfare, for wealthy white women to co-opt it as a way to excuse ourselves from the fight.

-Anon, ‘12

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As a mental health provider, I’m glad that it is something that has become so much a part of our awareness that it has a hashtag. Like anything in this culture, the tendency is to commodify it, though. I try to encourage folks to think in terms of your 5 senses and choose one thing that will bring pleasure to one of those senses as a simple mindfulness exercise. Self care shouldn’t be cost prohibitive.

-Rebecca Vaurio, ‘95

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Capitalist bullshit, keep people distracted and busy and they won't protest. Like the trope of women who turn to wine instead of fighting the sexist bullshit they deal with.

-Emily, ‘12

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It's more curated lifestyle content, as you typically see on social media. It's more about conspicuous consumption, as opposed to mental health (which, fundamentally, self-care is all about). I think it reinforces stigma rather than breaks it down.

-Anon, ‘04

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I don’t like how commercial it is. Also it promotes the idea that folx are not “winning” if they can’t afford to do pricey self-care. Plus it misses the point that self care is about undoing and healing from the oppresive systems not buying into consumer trends.

-Janet, ‘96

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I like that it encouraged people to look at taking care of oneself, but don't think it's been perceived/understood in the most accurate way by everyone. It doesn't depend on spending money, and it's not about using the hashtag

-Anon, ‘12

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It's good in that it reminds us to prioritize our own needs once in a while.  But bubble baths and chocolate aren't enough to address the systemic exhaustion and overload that I think a lot of us experience in this hectic world; media images of what 'self care' looks like are too shallow, we need to let ourselves go deeper than that.

-Anon, ‘13

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I haven’t heard of it but in a time of such stress, we cannot do enough to promote personal well being.

-Abby Meltzer, ‘10

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I think 99% of it is bogus capitalism.  Its aim is to create a new market, commodifying things that people have already been doing, moralizing and monetizing them. Claiming selfishness as an excuse to engage in consumerism is fucked up.  Yes we need to care for ourselves - but vanity and selfishness are actually bad (hot take).   I think that there are many strategies that people can employ to help them deal with a variety of personal struggles, but they do not have to be commodified under the umbrella of #selfcare.  Additionally much of what we deal with in our lives is due to systemic wrongs, things that cannot be fixed by a face-mask or manicure.  Face-masks and manicures are not bad, but they're not good either. Drawing attention to personal changes feels like a neo-liberal cop-out to real systemic change.  It feels like a collective shrug emoji - well, we can't fix the economy so we might as well do this juice cleanse. 

It is very linked to creating an aesthetic and beautiful self and life.  That is bullshit - beauty is not good. Humans don't have blemish-free skin, and we shouldn't have a 7 step routine that burns our flesh to try.  Dieting framed as self-care falls in the same category. Juice cleanses, Whole30 diets, #cleaneating etc are not actually healthful, and are thinly veiled moralized body control tools.

-Anon, ‘14

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I didn’t know this was a thing. But, seriously, I’m in favor of initiatives to encourage people to do what they need to do in order to live their best lives.

-Anon, 09

[we-nothing-but-hemp]

CBD Oil for Depression: How to Deal With Depression Naturally

Sadness, emptiness and loneliness are normal aspects of human life. But for 18% of Americans, feelings of sadness and grief can last far longer than normal and become overwhelming. They develop depression.

The bad news is that depression is a serious illness that can keep you from living a normal life. The good news is that non-medical interventions can be as effective as medication for depression, so you have a wide range of options to begin healing.

If you want to learn how to deal with depression in a natural way, and whether CBD oil for depression is the right choice for you, this is the guide for you. We will walk you through what depression is, how to recognize it, and what role natural interventions can play in your recovery.

What is Depression?

Depression is a diagnosable mood disorder. That means it has some elements of a medical condition, and also some elements of the human experience of negative emotions.

If you are experiencing depression, it’s important to recognize that it is not your fault. Many people feel guilty for not being able to “snap out of” their depression, but depression is a serious illness that affects your mind, body, and emotions. You will need treatment in order to heal.

Left untreated, depression can lead to more health complications. The most serious consequence of untreated depression is suicide. This is why it is important to get help as early as possible and find ways to treat your illness.

What is Depression Like?

Depression can take many forms. It’s often thought of as just feeling sad, but it can also be experienced as feelings of numbness, emptiness, and total absence of emotion.

It usually can come with other emotional disturbances, such as anger and anxiety. You may also find yourself fixating on things in the past that have gone wrong, and lacking energy and interest for simple daily tasks.

Signs and Symptoms of Depression

Depression can be difficult to diagnose because all of its symptoms can be normal at certain times. However, when you have depression, these symptoms persist for an abnormal length of time and keep you from living a normal life.

Physical Symptoms

Extreme tiredness

Having trouble sleeping, or sleeping too much

Eating too much or too little

Headaches and other pains

Mental Symptoms

Difficulty concentrating and remembering facts

Fixating on past failures

Repeated negative thoughts

Emotional Symptoms

Feeling guilty

Feeling worthless or useless

Feeling irritable or angry

Numbness or emptiness

Depression is different for everyone. You may have all of these symptoms or only a few.

What Causes Depression?

Where does this depression come from? Is it biological? Or is it emotional?

It’s both.

As human beings, our emotions are processed by our physical brains as neurotransmitters. This means that our physical bodies influence our emotions and vice versa.

Depression is caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters (the chemical messengers that carry messages between parts of your brain). When there are abnormally low levels of the neurotransmitters that tell your brain to feel good, such as dopamine and serotonin, you experience depression.

This abnormal low in feel-good neurotransmitters can be caused by situational factors as well as biological ones. Very often, a person who is predisposed to depression goes through a stressful situation (such as a breakup or job loss), which triggers the depressive episode

Some of the risk factors for depression include:

Family history of mood disorders

Chronic medical conditions, especially chronic pain disorders

Childhood trauma

Substance abuse, including binge drinking

Certain prescription medications (depression and mood disorders are a side effect of many medications)

Thyroid or vitamin D deficiency

When Should I Seek Help?

You should seek help for depression if your symptoms start to impair your normal physical, emotional, and mental functioning. If you notice any of the following behaviours, it is time to get treatment:

Not being able to get out of bed in the morning

Being unable to concentrate at school or work

Being unable to motivate yourself to do normal activities

Not maintaining close friendships

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, you need to get help immediately.

Treating Depression Naturally

Natural treatments for depression focus on supporting your physical and emotional health so that you can start to heal. For many people, medication is also important to recover from depression.

Every case of depression is unique, and you will need to spend some time finding the solution that works for you. However, studies have shown that non-medical interventions can be as effective as anti-depressant medications to treat mild to moderate depression. That doesn’t mean that you should avoid using medication if you need it, but it does mean that you have lots of options.

Counselling

When you have depression, it’s easy to slip into the mindset that you are a burden to everyone. It’s common for people with depression to keep their problems to themselves because they believe that no one cares enough to listen to them. Of course, this only leads to isolation and deepening depression.

Counselling helps break this cycle. Talking about your experiences to someone who really cares doesn’t just help you get a new perspective on your situation, but reminds you that you aren’t alone.

Counsellors can help you process your overwhelming emotions and give you tools to combat negative thoughts. However, many people find that the real benefit of counselling isn’t the advice that the therapist gives you; it’s the experience of being listened to and understood.

If you are struggling to believe that your problems are worth talking about, or that you are worth listening to, counselling is a good option to begin your recovery.

CBD Oil for Depression

Cannabidiol (CBD) oil is a non-psychoactive chemical derived from the hemp plant. The benefits of CBD oil are caused by the fact that it activates serotonin receptors — the same feel-good neurotransmitter that are activated by natural mood-boosters like hugging, eating, or talking with friends.

When you have depression, you might not be able to find the motivation to spend time with friends, and you might not find it enjoyable even if you do. Others might be isolated from friends due to situational factors like lockdowns. Those situations can be the trigger for a depressive episode.

Whatever your situation is, CBD can be a natural way to get your mood back to normal. Research shows that it combats stress, so it’s effective against both depression and anxiety, both short and long term. It’s even been used to help sensitive elephants overcome anxiety and depression, with positive results.

CBD oil is not the same as tetra-hydro-cannabinoids (THC), another chemical derivative from the help plant. THC is the chemical that causes psychoactive effects (it’s what makes you high when you smoke marijuana) and increases appetite, which can lead to weight issues. CBD does not make you high or cause any appetite changes, and it is legal in all 50 states.

Plus, CBD oil comes in a wide range of strengths, so you can be sure to find one that suits your individual needs.

Get Some Sleep

Poor sleep has negative impacts on your emotional and physical health. In fact, sleep deprivation is so painful to endure that it has been used as a form of torture throughout history. But the emotional and physical problems of depression can cause disturbances to your sleep too, creating a vicious cycle.

People with depression often have disturbed sleep habits. They might struggle either with insomnia or with excessive sleepiness. And even if you are getting lots of sleep, but your sleep cycle is irregular, your mental and physical health will suffer.

Good sleep habits can decrease depressive symptoms even in severe depression. Make sure you have a set sleep and wake time that gives you 8–10 hours of sleep per night, and keep your phone and laptop away from your bed.

Turn off the Tech

Having your phone in your hand all the time can be devastating to your mental health. It’s not surprising, since some estimates claim that we scroll an average of almost 75 feet per day on our phones. Less screen time correlates with less emotional disturbance, so even if it is not a primary cause of your depression, it contributes to anxiety and poor mental health.

And that doesn’t even take into account how the content of what you see affects you. When you are scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, you are seeing the highlight reel of everyone else’s lives. This can reinforce the negative thoughts of depression, especially of not being as good as everyone else.

Exercise

Exercise is a proven mood-booster. Plus, good physical health protects you from mood disorders in the future.

However, many people with depression simply can’t find the motivation to put on their running shoes and head outside. But you can still get the health benefits of exercise even if you’re not up for a long run.

Try finding a video workout online, so that you can stop the workout whenever you have had enough. If that seems overwhelming, try something simpler: just walk up a flight of stairs, do a few stretches, or walk from one end of your apartment to the other. Even a little exercise will clear your head and help you get through the day.

Recovering From Depression

There are many options to deal with depression naturally, and your journey with depression will be as unique as you are.

At Nothing But Hemp, our team members are certified in Health and Physiology. With awards in CBD knowledge, we are experienced in helping individuals find CBD solutions for a wide range of health problems.

If you are interested in CBD oil for depression, contact us for a free virtual product consultation and find quality CBD products to meet your needs.

[castingdirect]

LOST LIBIDO'S: The Pandemic Has Killed Women's Libido More Than Men's...

And Lynsey Hope took a look to find out that it's not the only difference in the battle of the sexes. As the pandemic has killed women's libido more than men's, it can be revealed that's not the only difference. In a battle of the sexes which pitched men against women, this survey and study found out there has been quite a few differences in both men and women since the pandemic struck. And while lockdowns are to blame for a lack of libido, is it entirely to blame? Such as Women who tend to fall in love after sex as men release the 'cuddle hormone' which makes them less guarded. WOMEN BRAIN Women fall in love after sex because during sex, our brains release oxytocin, known as the 'cuddle hormone,' which lowers defences and inhibitions and makes us trust more - women produce more of it, so are more likely to let their guard down and fall in love after sex. Sexpert Kate Taylor says: 'Men release oxytocin during sex, but other hormones like testosterone can dampen its effect, leading women to feel up to eight times more bonded after sex than a man.' EYES Just as turned on by porn, because although men watch three times as much porn as women, it's often presumed they get hornier whilst watching it, but research from Germany suggest this is just a myth. Experts from the Max Planck Institute for Biological Cybernetics scanned the brains of volunteers while showing them sexual images - and women got just as turned on as men. NECK The neck is a very sensitive part of the body and kisses on the neck could be a big turn-on for women. In a study in the journal Cortex, women named the nape of the neck as one of their most erogenous zones, ahead of breasts and nipples. Kate says: 'This might be due to the thinness of the skin. Another study, in the Journal of Sexual Medicine also revealed women's necks are more sensitive to light touch than to any other part of the body.' TUMMY More likely to have sex after eating, because two-in-three women say they are more likely to have sex after a home-cooked meal, according to a survey by adored.co.uk. A separate study, published in the journal Appetite, found that women were more likely to respond to sexual cues after they had eaten a meal. WOMB Women are most turned on during ovulation, and the sex drive can fluctuate with the menstrual cycle. US experts found women are most likely to be turned on during ovulation - in the middle of their menstrual cycle, around 14 days before they get their next period, and it's also thought to be when they're most fertile too. VAGINA Women's orgasms last longer than men's, but women do not orgasm often from penetrative sex alone. A report of Archives of Sexual Behaviour in 2016 found only 65% of straight women climax during sex, compared to 95% of men, but the typical female orgasm lasts longer than men's, at around 13 to 51 seconds. BOTTOM It's true that bigger bums can mean higher sex drives - because they tend to be healthier. Researchers in Oxford found these women are very resistant to chronic illnesses and, because they feel healthier, are more likely to want sex. KATES TIPSA TO BOOST WOMEN'S LIBIDO Get Your Head Down: Women who got most sleep reported the highest sex drive the next day, a 2015-study found, so set a reliable bedtime routine and ensure you're getting the recommended seven-nine hours a night. Be Mindful: A common reason women lose their lustiness is that they can't switch off their thoughts, with recent research by the University of British Columbia, Canada, that found that just four sessions of mindfulness-based therapy improved sexual desire and satisfaction. Connect: Female arousal takes longer than men's, so start the process earlier, like curing up with your partner to boost 'feel good' oxytocin, spending five minutes snogging before you hit the sheets, and keep your eyes open to boost intimacy. MEN HAIR Bald men have higher sex drives, and men aged over 30 with lots of hair on their head could be lacking in testosterone - and have a lower sex drive - blokes with high testosterone are also thought to go bold faster too. US scientists say this is because baldness happens when hair follicles become exposed too much DHT, a chemical  which is produced by testosterone. BRAIN Men think about sex 19 times a day, and means most fellas do have sex on the brain. An Ohio State University Survey of 200 students found men thought about sex 19 times a day on average - compared to just ten times a day for women. 'Sex can lessen a men's feelings of anxiety, at least temporarily,' Katie says: 'A 2005 study using brain scans during orgasms revealed a decrease in activity in the amygdala region (that controls how we process scary stimuli) immediately after climax.' EARS & NOSE Men are turned on by dirty talk, with a survey by online agency Saucy Dates finding 76% of men responded well to a partner's aural stimulation. Snoring has  been linked to droopiness, with the Journal of Sexual Medicine publishing a study which found that 70% of men with sleep apnoea - which causes breathing to stop and start at night and is often associated with snoring - also suffered from erectile dysfunction - these men also had low levels of satisfaction when they did have sex. TUMMY Big-bellied blokes last longer in bed, but having a big gut has been liked with low libido too. Overweight men, especially those who store fat around their tummies, have lower levels of testosterone, and so a weaker sex drive. But a study in Turkey found such men carried on intercourse for an average of seven minutes and 18 seconds, compared to slimmer fellas' two minutes. It is thought that overweight men have more of the orgasm-inhibiting hormone oestradiol. BELLYBUTTON This is a secret G-spot, it's a belief held in Chinese medicine that acupuncture or acupressure in the right place can stimulate a man's sex drive and help with erectile problems. Kate says: 'One libido hotspot for men is known as Ren 6. This is situated about one-and-a-half-finger-widths down from the centre of his belly button, and press on this spot for around 30 to 60 seconds before sex. PENIS Three minutes is plenty for most, contrary to what we see on TV or in porn, the average length of time that penetrative sex lasts is just a few minutes with reports suggesting anywhere from three to fifteen minutes being normal. Penises are not designed to be consistently erect, with the average male orgasm lasting between ten and thirty seconds. FINGERS Put a ring on it - not just a famous saying, because a long ring finger on the righthand could signal that a man has a high sex drive. Experts at the University of California say men whose fourth digit is longer than their index one usually have higher levels of testosterone. FEET Men are more likely to have a foot fetish, it is common too with 18% saying they have fantasised about feet compared to just five percent of women. Kinsey Institute researcher Dr Justin Lehmiller said for some just looking at feet could be arousing while for others it was about touching, sniffing or licking. KATE'S TIPS FOR MEN TO GET BACK THEIR MOJO Work Out: Exercise can help offset the effect of declining testosterone that happens as we age, so for maximum oomph, try lifting weights, but don't over-train your muscles to the point of aching as that can lessen any positive effects. Stress Less: The more tense you are the more cortisol you will produce, which can drive down your testosterone and leave you feeling limp - manage stress and anxiety in every day life and you'll reap the rewards at night. Floss It: If you're avoiding sex because you're finding it harder to get hard, see the dentist, because research published in the Journal of Periodontology revealed that men who suffered from gum disease were more than twice as likely to have erectile dysfunction. Read the full article

[cuddlyyeti]

day 18 of 30 days of monsters: animal (werewolf, because im a cheat)

You roll into town as a bundle of excited energy. It’s not a particularly large place, old and born of the necessity of living on the outskirts of a forest, but it’s large enough that you don’t feel weird about appearing as an outsider. The buildings are close-knit and beautiful, and the people appear to match.

The forest is the real reason you were here: it’s a perfect destination for hiking, some light climbing, and general outdoorsy-ness. Untouched in most places, except for some managed tree felling, it’s a perfect little piece of serenity that you can’t wait to delve into.

But first, you speak a little to the owner of your accommodation: a jovial, kindly older woman who knows more about this town than you know about… well. Anything. She tells you the best place to grab some dinner—wonderful, because you’re starving—and the cheapest place to pick up some basic necessities when you tell her you’re going hiking. You expect a warning about wandering into the forest, but she seems to think it’s perfectly safe, only warning you that you’ll have to take a key with you if you’re wanting to be out late.

By the time you fall asleep that night, you’re full of the peculiar feeling of being right at home.

About a mile in, the path sort of disappears, and you’re in your element having to figure out where to go. With your map and your compass, you feel like you can find your way anywhere. To your one side, a babbling stream makes it’s determined way towards a river you can’t yet see, to the other, trees with trunks wider than your leg is long stretch ever upwards, a comforting ceiling that diffuses the harsh sunlight. It’s like you’re in a fairytale.

At least it is until you take your eyes off of where you’re going for half a second about three hours into your hike and you slip on a wet rock you hadn’t noticed. You yelp as you fall backwards, and wince when something sharp slices across one of your calves.

As calmly as you can, you hobble over to the base of a tree and try and stem the blood flow. It’s painful, but not that deep, and you’d been prepared with a first aid kit. You hadn’t been prepared to hear a low whine from right beside you.

Right there, plain as day, is a wolf. It’s a big ol’ creature, bigger than you’d ever expected one to be, and it’s weird as hell because WOLVES DON’T LIVE IN THIS FOREST. There were no predators in these woods, the only real threats being dehydration and other people. But… that’s a real wolf. A huge one. And it’s staring at you with wide, amber eyes, and it’s whining.

It stalks closer to you, closer and closer until you can feel it’s breath on your leg. And then it… licks your wound. Wet and rough and gentle, it laps at the blood that escapes to trickle down your leg until it’s clean, then nudges your hand until you move it so it can lick at the wound itself. You can’t help yourself, feeling enthralled to let it do what it wants.

“Uh… thanks? Good… wolf?” you say, tempted to try and pet it but holding yourself back. You’d already injured your leg, you weren’t willing to sacrifice your hands.

The wolf has different ideas. It nudges at your hand until it’s atop it’s head, pretty much begging you to give it some attention. Before you know it, you’re up and walking, following it’s path towards an old cabin, a dark wooden structure that looks as homely as it does part of the landscape—saplings and old trees alike seem to crowd around it, holding it close with their stretching limbs.

As if it’s lived there all it’s life, the wolf leaps up the stairs of the porch, nudging the door open with it’s nose and staring back at you, as if inviting you in.

“That looks like someone’s house, wolfy. I don’t—” the wolf runs behind you, nudging you through the door with its head. “I guess I do, uh—hello?”

No one answers your call. You take a few more steps inside, admiring the clean but tired decor, and find what looks like… a home. It must be, because the wolf happily jumps up onto the couch, paws up on the back so that it can look at you, tongue hanging out happily.

Beside yourself, you smile back, petting the pup on the head and taking a seat beside it. Soon enough, the wolf is curled up, head on your lap, and you’re drifting off to sleep in the dim light of the early evening, under the warm blanket of fur.

Waking up the next day is a confusing mix of sensations: the dull throb of your leg, the blinding light of the morning sun, the warm, soft cosiness of a thick blanket, and the smell of cooking breakfast. Nothing smells like your room in the bed and breakfast, and when you sit up, nothing looks like it either. Adrenaline kicks in when you hear someone moving towards the room you’re in, but just as you think you’ve found somewhere to hide, they enter the room.

A careful, curious face peers around the doorway, eyes widening in surprise as they catch yours.

“Oh! I wasn’t expecting you to be awake yet… I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed you.”

“I… think the light woke me up,” you say, carefully. “Who are you? Where… where am I?”

The person at the door moves further into the doorway, and you can see now that they’re wearing very casual clothes, but they’re effortlessly beautiful—long, thick hair, warm brown skin, a comforting smile and kind eyes—and you’re struck by a feeling of safety.

“Well, you were in the forest—do you remember that?” When you nod hesitantly, they continue. “You fell, and I—my dog found you? And I guess she brought you here so I could help you? When I got back, you were on the sofa, fast asleep.”

Slowly, you nod, things coming back to you. A hike — some blood — a wolf — this house.

“Thank you, uh—”

“Hawthorne,” she says, smiling at you, and shuffling towards you, sitting on the bed by your knees. “My name is Hawthorne. And you?”

“Y/N. Um, thank you for letting me stay. I could’ve been an axe murderer!”

“Nah, I checked your backpack—you didn’t have an axe. Thought I’d be fine as long as I kept you away from the knives.” She winks, and you flush. “Breakfast should be ready soon, if you want to join me. I didn’t know what you’d like so I made, kind of… everything. There should be some spare clothes hanging around, if you wanna change.”

You nod, and she leaves, giving you privacy. After prodding around for a while, you head back into the front room and watch as Hawthorne cooks in the open kitchen—her graceful movements, and her total comfort keep a little smile on your face as you take a seat on a stool.

“So, where’s your dog?”

Something clatters to the ground, making you jump. When Hawthorne curses, it feels like those sort of words rarely pass her lips. “Uh—she’s out. Wandering? She can get a little restless…”

It’s a curious answer, but since she’s currently feeding and housing you, you think it’s best not to push. Instead you draw the conversation away until she’s done cooking, then, together, you devour the breakfast spread pretty entirely. Your appetite is so big that once you start eating, you barely come up for air. Hawthorne looks on at you with fondness. Between bites the two of you talk: you ask her about her life in the forest, she asks about your travels, about the places you’ve hiked. You discuss the town, you discuss… well, you discuss pretty much everything. It’s a breath of fresh air.

“D’ya like a guide back to town? I just realised that you might not be able to follow the trail w—my dog took you on yesterday.”

“Oh! Yeah, that’d be lovely, thank you—as long as I’m not like, ruining the flow of your day?”

“No! No, uh, it’d be a welcome change,” she insists, smiling wide at you. “I tend to spend a lot of time alone out here. You’re really good company, and I’m not just saying that because I’m a hermit.”

That draws a good-natured chuckle from you. It’s hard to imagine someone as hospitable and friendly as Hawthorne being a hermit, or being alone at all. It’s also hard to understand why she lives in such seclusion—she’s young, and beautiful, and magnetic—you’re sure she’d have a pretty great life in the city. But seeing how comfortable and at home she is in these woods as she guides you back gives you a little bit of an answer. She smiles and shows you everything from random mushrooms (edible and poisonous) to naming every bird above you by its call or nest alone.

You’d barely known her for a couple of hours, but you could feel yourself connecting to her.

When you reach the treeline, Hawthorne stops. “I guess you can find your way from here?”

“Yeah! Thank you so, so much, Hawthorne. I don’t know what I’d have done without you,” you say earnestly.

“It’s no problem…” she rubs at the back of her neck, looking down. When your eyes focus on her face, you can tell she’s blushing. “Pretty sure my dog did most of the work.”

“Well, give her my thanks too! See you around?”

“Yeah. See you around.”

Before she turns to walk away, something possesses you to give her a quick, brief hug, and after she initially tenses, she returns it.

When you get back to your accommodation, the owner greets you with a smile and a nod. “So, you met our good ol’ wolf yesterday, huh?”

“Yeah, I uh, I found myself in a bit of a situation. That wolf is… really something!”

“She is,” she agrees. “Hawthorne has been a wonderful protector of these parts for so long… it makes these parts so much safer! I don’t know why she doesn’t come and live up here with the rest of us, though,” she sighs.

“Wouldn’t people be a bit worried about her walking around with her big wolf by her side? I mean, she’s really friendly, but she’s kinda scary at first glance!”

“Oh, sweetie! Thought you realised—Hawthorne is our wolf!”

[kramlabs]

Circadian Timeline via Jack Kruse

LINK

This is the modern warm adapted human circadian cycle:

1. Our brain wakes up with a morning surge of cortisol. That is what turns our brain on at 6 AM. VIP helps do this in long light cycles. VIP is highest at 6 AM and lowest at 6 PM. Ghrelin is also highest in the morning. Ghrelin is an incretin hormone made in the stomach that has a half-life of one hour. NPY and Agouti stimulate the production of ghrelin. Ghrelin sends a signal directly to our pituitary gland and it influences our metabolism. This is why the circadian cycle in the stomach in the morning is critical to optimal health. I laid that out here in this blog and it is an important part of the Leptin Rx reset protocol.

Circadian cycles for the obese are dramatically altered compared to non-obese individuals in the morning. In the normal person, Ghrelin is high when cortisol is highest in the early morning. In them, ghrelin drops fast when food is eaten too. In the obese, ghrelin is much lower in the morning than expected. Moreover, when food is eaten, ghrelin stays elevated for an extended amount of time. This happens because of the inflammation associated with the higher leptin levels in the morning in the obese. Melatonin is known to acutely decrease ghrelin and sometimes in tough cases, I will use supplemental melatonin to demolish the morning ghrelin spikes in people with huge appetites. This is most common in the obese, eating disorders, and in those with a severe leaky gut who crave dairy and carbohydrates. It is also very common for young paleo enthusiasts because of how they embrace blue light technology gadgets of the modern world that destroy melatonin levels in the brain.  Ghrelin spikes and stimulates NPY in the hypothalamus increasing our desire and ability to eat a lot more. Leptin makes NPY decline normally, but if one is leptin resistant this does not occur and appetite is out of control at the brain level.

This is why obesity is an inflammatory brain disorder causing hormonal imbalance. Hormone imbalance implies a poor redox potential in different parts of the body.  Where the potential is destroyed a certain disease will manifest.  Obesity happens when it occurs at the leptin receptor or due to slow energy leak from the inner mitochondrial membrane.  This means the obese person is losing energy in black box radiation.  It is easy to check but few do with a thermal camera.  We see this macroscopically as major alteration is sweating and down-regulation of activity due to an inability to uncouple oxidative phosphorylation at the mitochondrial level.  It is not a disease of stress or emotion as medicine is trying to ram down media outlets.  It is a problem of an alters the quantum biology of electron/proton tunneling across our proteins.

Moreover, this should explain why the SAD breakfast is so problematic for modern humans. It is marketed as a carbohydrate fest. It is also why the Leptin Rx recommendation for protein and fat are so high in the morning. Protein is the backbone of all life.  When we are losing energy and increasing molecular chaos we need to replace our proteins to recapture our balance.  It solves this problem fast. I use protein over fat in the Leptin Rx because high-fat levels with low protein in the morning cause a spike in the gastric inhibitory peptide that can induce insulin resistance by itself. I do use high fat in certain cases, like bariatric surgery, eating disorders, hypothalamic amenorrhea, or high EMF levels.  Many people do not know this. This is why so many people do not buy Gary Taubes theory of “Why We Get Fat”. Gary has only part of the story correct, in my view, because obesity occurs on a spectrum just like autism does because it depends on how the environment affects epigenetic expression. When you understand circadian biology, you get a much more complete picture of how the system works on a 24-hour basis. It turns out electrons control the coupling of biochemistry in life and understanding this helps to make sense of why hormones are disrupted when electrons are not handled correctly.  I became a student of circadian biology when I saw the entire view from a 30,000-foot level.

2. At 6:45 AM we will expect to see the sharpest rise in blood pressure in the entire day. This is due to many activated systems in the body getting us ready to fully supply blood to all vital areas to get us motivated to begin our day and search for food. This period of rapid BP rise is why we see so many cardiac deaths occur in early morning sleep or early wakefulness. This happens when cortisol is highest.

3. At daybreak, when the sun hits the retina, the photic stimulus begins to shut off the secretion of melatonin from the pineal gland in the brain.  AM sunlight contains mostly IR light at daybreak and as we approach noon, UV light frequencies appear on the skin.

4. At 7:30 AM usually after an hour of light melatonin is completely shut off in the brain.

5. At 8:30 the gut has been awakened and peristalsis becomes more vigorous and bowel movements getting rid of yesterday’s food are very likely. This happens by protons flows to move serotonin sulfated by the light of the gut microbiome in the wall to get to the brainstem to become sulfated melatonin.  This is stimulated if food is eaten around this time as well. This is called the gastrocolic reflex.  Cortisol, aldosterone, and ghrelin are all raised at this time to drive activity, increase our blood pressure and stimulate feeding.  This is all yoked to AM sunlight stimulus.  It is blocked when we wear clothes or at work in the AM.

6. Around 9-10 AM we have the highest secretions of the sex steroid hormones in humans and these pulsatile crescendos lead to our highest alertness at around 10 AM in our day to allow us to explore our environment.

7. Our ideal muscle coordination occurs at 2:30 PM and this adapts us best to hunt for dinner at this time. An hour later we see our fastest reaction times develop from our motor systems in our CNS.

8. At 5 PM humans exhibit their greatest cardiovascular efficiency allowing for maximal exercising or hunting. This also occurs during a period of time when we have our best rates of protein synthesis in our body. This is why exercise should be optimally done in this window.

9. As the sun falls at 6 PM we begin to see a major change in the cardiovascular system about a half hour later.

10. At 6:30 PM we see our highest blood pressures due to changes in atrial natriuretic factor and antidiuretic hormone (ANF, ADH) in the renin-aldosterone axis.

11. Once this occurs over the next 30 minutes (7 PM) we begin to see a gradual rise in our body temperature as leptin (and IL-6) is released from our fat stores, with agouti’s help, slowly after dinner is eaten to signal the brain about our fat mass and inflammatory status.

12. For the next two to three hours leptin levels slowly rise as insulin levels fall. Adiponectin levels also fall during this time frame. These fat hormone signals are what activate adenosine system in our bodies. Adenosine is created over the course of the day; high levels of adenosine lead to sleepiness.

13. This peaks at 10 PM and then the circadian clock allows for melatonin secretion after 3-4 hours of total darkness. Serum leptin is rising quickly now (with agouti’s help) as it is released from the fat cells to enter the brain. Agouti is highest at this time of the day, even in a normal person.

14. As these trends continue the GI tract is slowly shut down by the circadian clocks and around 11:30 PM and bowel movements are shut down for the night. This means that the vagus nerve is quiet.

15. At midnight leptin begins to enter the hypothalamus to bind to its receptor in the hypothalamus to signal energy reserves while also yoking energy metabolism to sleep via the hypocretin neurons that control all the sleep cycles. In diurnal animals, sleepiness occurs as the circadian element causes the release of the hormone melatonin and a gradual decrease in core body temperature. This drop in temperature is the stimulus to change sulfated serotonin to sulfated melatonin.  This timing is affected by one’s chronotype.

16. It is the circadian rhythm that determines the ideal timing of a correctly structured and restorative sleep episode. Melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland, called the “darkness hormone ” is of great importance in the functioning of the SCN. The most important target of melatonin in humans appears to be the SCN, as the SCN contains the highest density for melatonin receptors. A double effect of melatonin in the SCN, namely, an immediate effect and long-term effect, has encouraged its worldwide use against the ill effects of jet lag.  This may not be wise to do.

As an immediate effect, melatonin is found to suppress neuronal SCN activity towards night time levels. During the daytime, the SCN neurons must run faster than normal.  This is possible because the retina has more DHA in it than the brain.  In terms of long-term effect, melatonin can phase shift and amplify circadian rhythmicity of the SCN. Melatonin application has been found to be useful in synchronizing the endogenous circadian rhythms not only in people who suffer from jet lag, but also in blind individuals, patients with dementia, and in shift workers. With seasonal changes in night duration, there are parallel changes in the duration of melatonin secretion, and this leads to more secretion in winter than as compared to summer. In the cold environments of fall and winter, melatonin couples to eNOS and not to light levels. In warm adapted humans in the tropics, the light remains the focus of SCN entrainment year round.

17. After the 4 hours of darkness, melatonin secretion increases and this allows plasma leptin to enter the hypothalamus if we are sensitive to its receptor. If we are leptin resistant, this process can no longer occur.

18. Once leptin enters and binds to its receptors, it affects the lateral hypothalamic tracts to immediately send a second messenger signal to the thyroid to signal it to up-regulate thyroid function and efficiency. This is how we can raise our basal metabolic rate when we are leptin sensitive. These coupled events, matched with leptin’s actions peripherally in muscles, occur at the UCP3 sites to burn fat as we sleep at a higher basal metabolic rate.

This means electron chain transport does not make ATP as usual. When leptin allows this uncoupling to occur, we make heat and not energy from normal metabolism. This means we will burn off our excess calories as pure heat. This is one reason why calories in and calories out argument makes no biologic sense once you understand how leptin works. Humans are built to burn fat at night as we sleep to lose excess weight we don’t need.

19. The timing of the leptin action is also critical. It usually occurs between 12-3 AM and is tied to when you last ate and how much darkness your retina (SCN) have seen. This generally occurs soon after our hypothalamus releases another hormone called prolactin from our pituitary gland in the brain.

20. The surge of Prolactin is normally quite large in normal darkness but is significantly diminished in artificially lit environments after sunset. This was shown in the Jessa Gamble video HERE.

This has big implications for modern humans. The reason is that prolactin release is coordinated with sleep cycles where autophagy is at its highest efficiency and where Growth Hormone is released. If this is diminished we generally see lower DHEA levels clinically and higher IL-6 levels on cytokine arrays. This is a measure of uncoupling of sleep from normal metabolism. I base every bio hack I do on this step in circadian biology because it is the most important.

21. The normal large circadian prolactin surge we should see at around midnight after leptin enters the brain, does not happen if the patient has leptin resistance, sleep apnea, or has eaten food too close (within 3-4 hours) to bedtime. This blocks leptins ability to enter the brain because of insulin spikes. As mentioned above, this step is usually impaired if you are a post-menopausal female as well. This is often why older women sleep badly and gain weight they can not seem to lose in the gym even with a good paleo template and good habits.

This is another reason I am a big advocate for bioidentical hormone optimization in women. This need is greatest in women who are warm adapted. The need is lowest in the cold-adapted females because their leptin levels are already low due to the cold. Postmenopausal women who are cold-adapted tend to do amazingly well clinically in most disease parameters in my clinical experience. The main problem they face is that their vanity and dogma keep them from using the cold pathways to become rockstars as they age.

Exercise training tends to frustrate postmenopausal women because if their hormone response is altered they have a lot of trouble as they age. Men, on the other hand, do not lose their GH levels until 50-55 years old usually. They are also protected by their testosterone levels which persist throughout life provided that they are not suffering from inflammation which directly lowers their free and total testosterone levels. GH and testosterone keep a mans heart and muscles in tip-top shape. If inflammation destroys these levels earlier in life, it can show up even in younger people. I am finding this clinical result is an epidemic in my own practice.

What happens when step 20 is broken in modern humans?

This commonly happens in diabetics, but it is now becoming a very common finding in modern humans because of the excessive use of technology after sunset. These artificial lights also tend to be quite bright and completely un-yoke the normal circadian signals from the hormone response. Light after sunset reduces the prolactin surge we normally see in humans. When we see chronic lowered prolactin surges we also see lower growth hormone secretion during the anabolic phases of sleep.

Lowered chronic GH secretion directly affects cardiac and skeletal muscle function because the process of autophagy is made less efficient as our life continues. Lowered GH and the sex steroid hormones at sleep lead to loss of cardiac function. This is why heart failure is strongly associated with low IGF-1 and sex steroid hormone levels. When growth hormone is not released in normal amounts, it also decreases our lean muscle mass and increases our fat percentage in all our organs and in our body. This leads to slowly declining organ dysfunction and poor body composition. We can measure this process clinically by looking for falling DHEA and GH/dopamine levels as we age.

What happens in normal aging in step 21?

Aging is among the most common features found in studies on modern humans when DHEA and GH craters on hormone panels. The loss of the prolactin surge is especially prominent in postmenopausal women. Most women begin to suffer from falling DHEA and GH levels around age 35-40 while they are still in peri-menopause. The higher their HS-CRP levels, the faster they enter peri-menopause and the quicker they enter menopause. They also age faster on a cellular level because their circadian chemical clocks are sped up. As a consequence, their telomeres shorten faster as well. Women have higher levels of leptin for childbearing, so they are more prone to leptin resistant issues than men. Leptin is a sexually dimorphic hormone.

This helps explain why older women struggle with cognitive haze, loss of body composition, poor sleep, and increased levels of heart disease after menopause. Many physicians think the losses they suffer are due to the loss of estrogen from ovarian failure, but the loss of growth hormone and progesterone production are far more significant in their physiology. Progesterone is the off switch to anything that is pro-growth. Modern women are usually estrogen dominant even after menopause because of mismatches in circadian biology. Cognitive loss is especially common in post-menopausal women. They also lose on average 1% of their bone mineral density per year from menopause in large part due to the loss of progesterone, not estrogen.

Loss of progesterone also corresponds to poor sleep in these women too. Replacing progesterone in women has a major effect on their sleep and bone stock. It also dramatically improves their memories and cognitive function as well.

Snacking after dinner… Effect on circadian cycles:

If you choose to eat within 4 hours of sleep you will never see the prolactin surge you need, because any spike in insulin turns off this critical sleep time release that corresponds to the cellular maximums of the autophagic process for humans. Agouti, the incretin gut hormone also rises in the blood to higher than normal levels to block leptin from entering the brain.

Diurnal cycles for agouti are coupled to NPY and have major effects on leptin. Agouti is a gene product that normally increases the release of leptin from fat cells at night to signal the brain of what the energy status is of the body. This is great when it is working well. When it is elevated due to heavy carbohydrate use in our diet it creates a massive problem. This is why late night carbohydrate snacking is a bad thing to do.

It appears 12-3 AM are the critical hours at night are where the remnants of mammalian hibernation lie for our species. These are the anabolic times for sleep when we are rebuilding our proteins and recycling our cellular contents. They are three of the most important hours in all human biology. If you miss them, you can bet you have several neolithic diseases for sure. Why do you ask? If these three hours are not reached enough during our sleep cycle, autophagy is never optimized and cellular repair does not occur in our cells. This means we are using old broken down parts in our cells as the next day arrives at 6 AM and cortisol rises again to wake us up.

We can measure this efficiency of this process by checking DHEA and IL-6 levels. I also like to measure hormone panels to see if the inflammation has destroyed any other hormone cascades in aging men or women. This is vital in taking care of older people and treating their longevity. IL-6 levels correspond to Leptin resistant states as well. This makes sleep and metabolic coupling tightly controlled by circadian biology at all times of our life. It is magnified because sleep gets worse as we age and our DHEA, HDL, and HS CRP rise. This is where, during a bio-hack, we can see why circadian mismatches can cause neolithic diseases in humans. Often times we can find the same issues develop much earlier in a young paleo person who has a lot of mismatches in their circadian biology. I test them the same way I would an older person.

Prolactin, Doc?

You must be asking, why is this prolactin hormone so important in a warm adapted human? Prolactin is not just a hormone that secretes human milk. That is the best-known action of prolactin, but not the most important. Immediately after prolactin is released during sleep, another signal is sent to the anterior pituitary to release the largest amount of Growth Hormone as we sleep (GH). GH is stimulated only during autophagic sleep cycles in stage 3 and 4 to increase protein synthesis for muscle growth while you’re dissipating heat via the uncoupling proteins. This is where the major release of GH occurs in humans post-puberty when they are warm adapted. 99.9% reading this blog are warm adapted. If you chose to become cold adapted the GH story radically changes, as laid out in CT-6.  GH and dopamine are analog proteins.

The implications here are huge for the warm adapted human if this prolactin surge is not adequate to allow us to enter the anabolic stages of sleep. Prolactin surge is diminished by both artificial lights at night and by foods that stimulate NPY, (namely carbs and protein) when they are eaten in fall and winter when biology says they should not be available.

If you are leptin resistant for any reason, have sleep apnea, you will always have an altered body composition because of a low GH level and an altered sex steroid profiles on testing. The reason is that DHEA is the immediate precursor for those hormones and is always low in people with bad sleep efficiency. Most VLCers who are warm adapted face this very problem today. VLC diet is best used in the cold-adapted mammal and not the modern warm adapted lifestyle. In essence, this diet is a mismatch for our modern lifestyle. This is why so many bloggers think ketosis is a dirty word for performance and body composition.

This all implies that as you age you will have higher body fat %, lower muscle mass %, if autophagy is not optimized by great sleep. This is precisely what we see today in most modern humans as they age. Invariably, their sleep cycles and sleep durations are poor and decreased from their childhood levels. As they age, there is a chronic insidious erosion of circadian biology by decisions made by modern humans over and over again.

What about temperature variations in warm adapted humans?

Where does temperature enter the picture? In warm-blooded animals, homeotherms, such as humans, can change their metabolism in order to keep their heat production equal to the heat loss. Such animals have a temperature control system and thereby maintain a rather constant core temperature. Warm-blooded animals live with the advantage of an unchanged cell activity and temperature in their core. However, the human core temperature falls during the estrogen phase of the menstrual cycle (pro-growth) and during sleep (circadian rhythm by melatonin).

The lowest temperature of the day for modern humans is usually between 2 AM and 6 AM. The temperature cycle is part of the normal circadian periodicity. Our biological clock seems to be synchronized with the rotation of the globe daily. Meal composition and timing, light cycles and temperature play a role in altering normal cycles and autophagic optimization.

Ovulation releases a sharp rise in morning temperature with its estrogen surge. Progesterone effects seem to explain the higher temperature in the last phase of the menstrual cycle where it calms the pro growth effects of estrogen. In post-menopausal women, this balance is usually not ideal, and it leads to many menopausal complaints these women face today.

The reduced temperature induced by melatonin in sleep is needed for Central Nervous System autophagic repair, for another, less well-known reason. The lowered temperature sets the stage for the biologic quantum effects to be optimal on our neurons microtubules that facilitate learning and neuronal spouting that occurs brain-wide.

This is why if you don’t sleep well you feel bad the next morning and your mental performance suffers the next few days on cognitive tasks. Research also shows your learning is severely impaired because of lowered BDNF and changes in diurnal cortisol due to the sleep deficit. This is why we monitor truck drivers’ and airline pilots’ sleep and wake cycles by law!

Moreover, in hospitalized ICU patients or the elderly when this occurs, it sets the stage for the appearance of acute onset delirium. This is exacerbated when they also have a simultaneous cytokine storm from sepsis or obesity. We see this often in hospitalized patients who cannot sleep well in ICUs. Acute delirium states very much look the same as chronic sleep deprivation patients we see clinically as well. Inducing cold, using progesterone and using hypnotics helps manage these conditions. I mentioned this in my hour-long PaleoFX talk last week.

Okay, nonscientists take a breather. Geeks are up: So today we are going to look more closely at how circadian biology sculpts our species. We will assume the sun rises for us today at 6 AM. About two hours before the sunrise we are at our lowest body temperature and this signal is sent to our hypothalamus to the hypocretin neurons that link metabolism (leptin receptor) to the sleep cycle clocks. This temperature dip signals that sleep is coming to an end and that the brain needs to raise its cortisol levels to wake up the cerebral cortex not connected to the autonomic portions of the brain in the brainstem.

This is called the reticular activating system. When the reticular activating system is damaged, humans remain in a sleep-like state called coma. Neurosurgeons call this a chronic vegetative state. The release of cortisol is a neurochemical signal from the hypothalamus that allows the reticular activating system to wake up the cerebral cortex in the AM by increasing water flows from the CSF, Matrix, and cytosol.

Now we have to think about what season we are in? Is a long light cycle (summer) or is a short one that is cold (winter)?

VIP regulates the circadian rhythm in humans and most mammals. VIP is a gut hormone and is found in our taste receptors too! So if we taste the sweetness from carbs in our diet when it’s warm and they are growing in the environment, our brain is expecting us to be in a warm season rather than a cold one. So sweet means warm to the brain, not cold. If you mismatch that and eat carbs at the wrong seasonal time, you create inflammation in the brain and it throws off our chemical clocks in our cells and ages us faster. That means our telomeres get shorter. This is not good.

Even geekier: Taste perception and its relationship to glucose homeostasis begin with stimulation of taste cells located in tongue taste buds. There are five basic taste modalities: bitter, sweet, umami, salty, and sour. Taste cells are clustered into taste buds in the tongue epithelium. Mammals have four different types of taste cells (types I, II, III, and IV), exhibiting different molecular phenotypes and functional roles.

Type I cells are glial-like cells that maintain taste bud structure. Type II taste cells transduce sweet, bitter, or umami stimuli and communicate information through G-protein coupled transduction cascades. Type III cells synapse directly with afferent nerve fibers from three cranial nerves and most release serotonin upon depolarization. Type IV basal cells are rapidly dividing progenitor cells that differentiate into type I, II, and III cells. Along with biogenic amine neurotransmitters, it is becoming evident that multiple peptide hormones including glucagon-like peptide-1 (GLP-1), cholecystokinin (CCK), and neuropeptide Y (NPY) as well as VIP are located in taste cells, potentially acting as signaling modulators of multiple gustatory stimuli.

The circadian clock not only can generate its own rhythms but can also be entrained by the environmental light-dark (LD) cycle. Multiple single-cell circadian oscillators that are present in the clock can, when synchronized, generate coordinated circadian outputs which ultimately regulate the overt rhythms.

VIP is a gut polypeptide, has been identified as one of the main neurotransmitters of SCN neurons, and participates in SCN function. These SCN neurons are retino-recipient and are found in the core of the SCN. They are activated by light, and exogenous application of VIP can reset the circadian clock in a manner similar to that of light application, both in vitro and in vivo. It is estimated that 9%-24 % of SCN neurons express VIP.

Leptin was originally described as an adipocyte-derived cytokine that signals to the hypothalamus to regulate food intake and energy expenditure. Leptin signals through its receptor, which is closely related to the gp130 cytokine receptor. Leptin can induce expression of the neuropeptide gene vasoactive intestinal peptide (VIP) through the VIP cytokine response element, the same element that mediates the response to the gp130 cytokines. Leptin acts synergistically with TGF-beta to activate transcription through this element.

One of the main chemical constituents of SCN neurons is the vasoactive intestinal polypeptide (VIP). Such neurons are retino-recipient and activated by light. Exogenous application of VIP resets the SCN circadian clock in a light-like manner both in vivo and in vitro. These resetting actions appear to be mediated through the VPAC2 receptor (a type of receptor for VIP). Unexpectedly, genetically ablating expression of the VPAC2 receptor renders the circadian clock arrhythmic at the molecular, neurophysiological and behavioral levels. These findings indicate that this intrinsic neuropeptide acting through the VPAC2 receptor participates in both resettings to light and maintenance of ongoing rhythmicity of the SCN.

Neurosurgery geeks only: In mammals, the part of the nervous system responsible for most circadian behavior can be localized to the suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCN). Although previous studies suggest that each SCN neuron may be an independent oscillator, these pacemaker cells must be synchronized to each other as well as to the environment to function adaptively. Therefore, answers to questions about cell-to-cell communication within the SCN lie at the core of understanding how his timing system operates. The daily cycle of light and dark is the dominant environmental cue responsible for synchronizing this biological timing system to the environment. The SCN neurons receive photic information directly from the retinal-hypothalamic tract (RHT).  My Vermont 2017 video gets deep into the physics of the retina.

Many of the SCN neurons that receive retinal input from these cells are located in the ventrolateral (or core) region of the SCN and express GABA and, in many cases, vasoactive intestinal peptide (VIP) and the Peptide Histidine Isoleucine. These retino-recipient cells then convey this environmental information to the rest of the SCN. In brain slice preparations, application of VIP alters the firing rate of SCN neurons through a VPAC2 receptor-dependent mechanism and induces expression of mPer1 and mPer2 genes. These two genes are how the circadian cycles yoke directly to the cell cycle and are related to tumor suppressor genes and oncogenesis when mismatches occur chronically in modern man.

Functionally, the administration of VIP, and to a lesser extent PHI, can cause phase shifts of the circadian rhythms in vivo and in vitro in man.

The role of AVP (arginine/vasopressin) in circadian timekeeping has also been well established in the neurosurgery literature. Its role in the control of the circadian rhythm of food and water intake has been reported and well documented. Another intrinsic neuropeptide, VIP, acting through a VPAC2 receptor (a type of receptor for VIP), participates in both resetting to light and maintenance of ongoing rhythmicity of the SCN. NPY and GABA seem to be the neurotransmitters in the projection from the intergeniculate leaflet to the SCN adjacent to CN II. Raphe nuclei projections to the SCN contain serotonin as an NT. AVP and prokineticin 2 are seen in the outputs from the SCN as efferents.

NPY, which is an established neurotransmitter of the geniculohypothalamic tract (GHT), was found to regulate SCN neuronal activity and to produce long-lasting suppression of firing rate of SCN neurons. When co-applied with NPY, NT (neurotensin) was found to dampen the profound inhibitory effect of NPY. So when NPY is high, which would be in equatorial or high light conditions, NPY basically makes the SCN less efficient and allows animals to perform outside their normal circadian boundaries. They stay awake longer for eating and for reproduction in high light times during summer.

All geeks reunite: VIP (along with GRP and AVP) show circadian variations in the level of mRNA in constant contact with environmental conditions from our tongue and our gut. When light becomes long-lasting in summer, NPY dominates the SCN in mammals when light becomes low and the temperature falls to 50-55 degrees constantly at our surface cold receptors, and eNOS rises and blocks all photic input to SCN and circadian rhythms are maintained by a new program. Alpha MSH induces and potentiates that seasonal change within the hypothalamus as laid out in CT-6 blog.

The moral: So the brain is wired for foods when they grow naturally, not when we feel or think we can/should eat them regardless of their availability in modern times.

Leptin sensitivity directly regulates VIP production. VIP regulates the circadian rhythm and entrains the SCN to light. When it is cold, leptin is released from fat cells in large amounts, and we begin to use eNOS to entrain our SCN to cold cycles and we should avoid carbs like the plague then. Remember from CT-6, cold empties fat cells like screaming fire would empty a crowded cinema. In cold, the pituitary-hypothalamic portal is involved in the production of lots of alpha MSH and ACTH. When MSH rises, you are allowing the brain to control everything to get you to optimal. This should make it abundantly clear that cold and warm adapted mammals are not sharing the same circadian biology. Cold selects for supreme LS and superior hormone optimization as laid out in the CT 6 blog.

In long-light summer cycles, when VIP is controlling the SCN again, androgens normalize if the mammal is leptin sensitive. VIP usually fixes our Vitamin D level to optimal too. VIP is a master controller of all inflammation for circadian cycles, but leptin is the hormone that produces VIP in the correct amounts even in light cycles. So if we are leptin resistant for any reason in long-light cycles, we have no control over our circadian cycles and this leads to neolithic diseases.

Normally, VIP lowers our cytokines as the light cycle lessens as the day progresses. At night time the cell is more reduced and not as oxidized. Reduced means better cellular health and oxidized means more cellular inflammation. The act of cellular reduction happens in autophagy during sleep with repair processes. Remember VIP is highest in the morning and this helps it elevate cortisol to wake us up. This is also why cortisol levels are highest when we start our days and lowest in the night when we sleep.

[pete-rparker]

Assistant

Word Count: 1713

A/N: Here’s the long-ass fanfiction I have been working on for you beans. I’ve gotten a few requests to post it from the summary I posted. It was mostly @darlingimafangirl who pushed me over the edge to actaully post it! So thank her, beans! 

Part 1/?

Being a superhero isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. You know this firsthand, well maybe second hand? You can see the exhaustion in all the Avenger’s eyes when you bring them their necessities. Or the stress that is burrowed deep within their minds when you remind them to eat, drink or sleep. They’re constantly on edge, jumping when you touch them or unexpectedly walk behind them. You may just be an employee to the group, but you see the effects of saving the world up close. And it isn’t good.

Being an employee of the Avengers can be hard. You were entrusted to this job after running into a very hurt Black Widow. You forced her into a side alley and patched her up, even through all her complaints. It was surprising that you were able to get close to the assassin. But she was hurt, so she couldn’t exactly fight you as much as she wanted to. You were an intern at a company that provided in-home hospice care. So you were, thankfully, caring the necessary tools to patch just about everything. After a little over an hour in the cramped alley, Black Widow had stitches where needed, bandages and the whole 9 yards. She thanked you before disappearing. Two weeks later, Tony Stark came by and basically demanded you work for him. You took it without any hesitation.

| January 5th, 2017 |

Your alarm rudely pulls you out of a dream about you being a superhero. Being a lowly human without any cool parlor tricks can be a bummer sometimes when you’re surrounded by amazing people who can kick some serious ass.

Your day starts at 6 a.m., your alarm going off at 5:30 so that you can get ready.  You cook breakfast for the group, never fully sure of how many will be coming. There’s almost always left over. Today is pancakes, bacon, eggs, sliced apples, whole carrots, and plenty of coffee. You try to incorporate the main food groups so that the heroes are able to be their best. You aren’t the world’s greatest cook, but with a few classes and plenty of practice, you were able to make good meals for the group.

Tony had made the job sound like an assistance of sorts, but that’s far from what you do. You cook their meals, clean the tower, act as an in-home nurse which means waking up at 4 a.m. after missions to do stitches or bandage broken ribs, do plenty of PR work (making your face well known), bring/buy anything necessary for the Avengers and whip up reports when needed. You’re like the house mom, secretary, nurse, and assistant in one fun bundle. You do this all the while being 16. Admittedly, you rounded up to 18 when telling Tony. But your secret came out very quickly when he did a background check. He let you stay, making you do online schooling when you’re not working. He said something about you being too valuable.

Tony is the first to wander into the kitchen this morning. You smile at him and hand him a plate and a cup, after working for a little over 2 years, you’ve remember their eating patterns. Tony usually doesn’t eat much in the morning, so you put 1 pancake, 2 slices of bacon, a scoop of eggs, handful of carrots and a few apple slices. Paired with a very large cup of coffee. “Here you go, Mr. Stark.” You tell him, he waves you away before sitting down.

Clint wanders in next, surprising you slightly. He usually doesn’t stay the night, since he’s “retired”. You nod at him as you hand him a plate piled high with food. Clint loves his breakfast and you know that pancakes is his favorite. “Mr. Barton. Glad you’re joining us today.” You grin, showing your one dimple. Clint is one of your favorite people. He’s always so nice to you, making you consider him a father of sorts. “Clint,” He says roughly, a smile sneaking up on him before sitting down.

Bucky and Steve come in together, Steve smiling. “Good morning, Mrs. (Y/L/N). How’d you sleep?” Steve asks, looking down at you.

“Good, as always.” You tell him, “You know, I’m pretty sure I got the best room in the tower, Mr. Rodgers.” You wink at him while handing him and Bucky a plate of equal food. They’ve both got the same appetite, yet if one finishes first, the other will just throw away the rest of the food. They always like to be done at the same time. Steve laughs at your comment, shaking his head. “You always say that.” He mentions before sitting down with his best friend.

Natasha and Bruce come in together, making you smile slightly. You always liked their friendship, it seemed perfect for what they were looking for in companions. “Ms. Romanova, Mr. Banner, good morning to you both.” You say, holding a plate out for Natasha and a giant cup of coffee for Bruce. They gladly take them, both nodding at you.

“Pancakes? I’ll have one this morning.” Bruce tells you, glancing down at the food. You nod, surprised. It always surprises you when one strays from the typical routine. You wished you were a mind reader so that you could be prepared for whatever happened. You nod, grabbing a plate and putting one on, putting eggs and carrots on, even though he didn’t ask. He tends to enjoy your eggs and he’s a fan of carrots, so he should enjoy them. You hand him the plate and he nods, grateful. The two sit down.

Wanda and Vision tend to stay in their rooms till lunch. So that should be everyone. You glance at everyone at the table and nod. You slowly begin to shut off the oven, pulling out tuber ware to put the food in.

A boy, around your age, runs in. Your eyes widen and you freeze, staring at him. He freezes as well, connecting his brown eyes with yours. You stare at each other for an uncomfortable minute before Tony speaks up. “Spiderling, meet (Y/F/N) (Y/L/N). She’s an employee here. (Y/N), meet Peter Parker.” You finally come to your senses and nod, your cheeks burning.

“Of course, I’m sorry for being so terribly rude. My name’s (Y/N). Nice to meet you, Mr. Parker. My official job description says I’m an assistant, but I’m really anything needed at the time.” You shake his hand, still fumbling to gain control over the situation. “Did you want any food?” You ask, waving a hand at the table.

He clears his throat before nodding. “You can call me P-Peter, um.. can I have a few pancakes, bacon and eggs. Apple slices too?” You smile at him, before quickly getting the plate together.

“Coffee?” You hold up the pot, he shakes his head no. You take note that he seems to not like coffee. Good to know…

You hand him the plate, your fingers brushing for a second. Enough to make your cheeks turn red again. He takes his plate and walks/stumbles to the table, taking a seat and chowing down. You return to the task of putting away the left overs.

“How old is she?” You hear Peter whisper to Tony. You turn around, trying to act cool while ease dropping on the conversation. You watch as Tony’s eyes narrow at the boy.

“16. Why?” He asks, his voice filled with suspicion.

Peter puts his hands up, “Just wondering. She just seems young for the job that she has.”

Clint scoffs into his food, glancing at Peter out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah, well, she lied when Tony first asked her about it. We all thought she was 18. She certainly has her shit together enough to be 18.”

Natasha nods, her eyes rolling before landing on the young boy. “She does online schooling in the afternoon when we need her the least. But she’s very well educated and does her job well. Better than any other person Tony has hired in the past.” She points her fork at Peter, “That being said, if you try anything. I’ll stab your eyes out.”

“Natasha was the reason (Y/N) got the job.” Clint tells Peter, giving him a sympathetic look.

You finish cleaning everything up, no longer interested in the conversation about you. You knew deep down that Natasha was protective over you. You were the reason why you were brought into their world. If you get hurt, it’s on her. Of course, you don’t think this, but you know that’s what she thinks.

You grab the coffee pot and fill up the group’s almost empty cup. Coffee has to be the thing that you all spend the most on. There’s no doubt in your mind. They all stare at you as you fill up the cups, you meet each of their eyes, smiling.

You gently lay a hand on Natasha’s shoulder, gently squeezing it before pulling your hand away. Sometimes you believe that she needs a reassurance that she did the right thing. Which of course she did. Your home life wasn’t the best in the world. Your mother skipped town once you gave birth and your father has been struggling ever since. Once he realized that you were going to get food, housing and a great education, he knew that it was for the best. He let you go for a real chance to do something in this life. Which you’re forever grateful for. He visits you twice a month. The first and third Thursday. You always get off for that.

“While it is true that Ms. Romanova was able to bring this opportunity to light for me, I’m the one who decided to take the job. I am young, but I do my job and I do it well. If you have a problem, Mr. Parker, you can speak to me about it privately. Mr. Stark doesn’t need such worries on his already full plate.” You say, speaking to the group, but addressing Peter. He looks like you just reprimanded him, but you don’t pay a lot of attention to it.

You set the pot on its stand before walking out of the room.