#udai tenma angst

[hellobunny044]

Panels. | Series

panel. in manga art, panels refers to the frame that wraps around one moment in time.

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an original Haikyū AU pairing Udai Tenma (the og little giant)

warning!!: containing some manga content.

word count: 6790

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Panel - 8

Udai sat at his desk, the dim light of the lamp casting a warm glow over his workspace. His fingers flicked across the keyboard, jotting down notes and ideas as they came to him.

He was working hard on the rough sketch of the whole plot twist, and his enthusiasm for the story had reached new heights. He felt like a conductor, orchestrating the characters and events of his manga into a grand symphony of emotion and excitement.

The idea of a human organization behind the outbreak of zombies had opened up a new world of possibilities for him, and he was determined to make the most of it.

Udai’s mind raced with possibilities as he sketched out the rough outline of the new plot twist. He added notes about how the organization would interact with the other characters, and how it would affect the climax of the story.

As he worked, Udai felt a great sense of satisfaction, knowing that he was creating something unique and exciting. He had always loved manga, and now he was finally making one of his own.

But at the same time, he felt the weight of responsibility on his shoulders. He knew that he had to make the story work, had to craft characters and situations that would keep readers intrigued and engaged.

Udai worked through the night, barely stopping to eat or rest. He was consumed by his vision, and he knew that he had to do everything he could to bring it to life.

As morning approached, Udai put down his pen and leaned back, admiring his handiwork. The rough sketch was complete, and he felt a sense of pride and accomplishment wash over him.

Udai had barely slept a wink, so consumed was he with his rough sketch of the plot twist.

Satisfied with his accomplishment, Udai took his phone out and took a photo of his work which he sent to his editor.

To : Akaashi Keiji

05.51 - *attachment*

05.52 - Perfectly wrapped!! >.<

Udai was still surprised by the fact that his editor would even still be there to reply to him in the early morning, still wondering what time he actually woke up.

From : Akaashi Keiji

05.54 - Congratulations.

However, even being a super fast-responding editor, there was no excitement that he could capture from his reply. Akaashi Keiji was indeed a flat man, unsurprisingly. Udai vowed to bet that so far, he had only ever seen two punctuation marks on any of his messages. Well, it wasn’t like he expected a message to be more expressive.

To : Akaashi Keiji

05.55 - Let’s meet, Akaashi-san!

05.55 - I’ll show you the details and everything. You’re definitely gonna love it for 120%, Akaashi-san!!

05.56 - And please show some excitement to cheer me up -_-

From : Akaashi Keiji

05.58 - I’m excited.

Exactly.

To : Akaashi Keiji

05.59 - I’ll meet you up at 7 or 8 in café B

05.59 - Give me some time to at least pretty myself before meeting you. I need to look competent.

From : Akaashi Keiji

06.00 - At seven, in café B.

Udai sighed, “As expected from our Akaashi Task-Focus Keiji-san.”

As soon as the sun had risen, Udai was already on his way to meet with Akaashi at the scheduled time. He couldn’t wait to show off what he'd created.

As he sat in the café, sipping on a warm cup of coffee, Udai could feel the excitement building up inside him. He pulled out his sketch and slid it across the table to Akaashi.

“Good morning, Akaashi-san! Good day today!”

Akaashi greeted with his casual trademark politely, “Good morning, Udai-san.”

Although Akaashi may seem ignorant and strict, he was actually a nice guy on the other side. It was no surprise that he took the time to order another coffee in advance. Saving Udai the hassle of wasting time queuing up alongside the formal office hours chasers lining up before the ordering counter, not to mention that he pretty much knew what Udai would order and ordered that.

But, honestly, Udai was still wondering if Akaashi was really that considerate or if all along, it was just something he did to save time. Remembering that they were here about work, and Akaashi Keiji is Akaashi Task-Focus Keiji in the first place.

After some simple pleasantries, Udai pulled out a tab and handed it to Akaashi. Then, those hopeful seconds rolled around.

Akaashi took a sip of his own coffee and studied Udai’s work, his eyes narrowing in concentration. Udai waited eagerly for his reaction, hoping for praise and approval.

But instead, Akaashi was quiet for a long time. Finally, he spoke.

“Alright. I’m done reading.” Akaashi said, taking a sip of his coffee.

Udai nodded, shifting closer so that he could get what significant change to hear Akaashi clearer. His little notebook was ready, a pen was ready on his mark.

“First off, I think the pacing could be improved. The introduction of the human organization behind the outbreak should be more gradual, to build suspense and tension.”

Udai frowned in concentration. Pen brushing against the paper of his notebook as he writes everything his editor was mentioning thoroughly. His eyes distractedly scanning over the panel that Akaashi was talking about.

“I see,” he said, “what else, Akaashi-san?”

Akaashi took another sip of his coffee before continuing. “Also, I think the character motivations need to be clearer. Right now, they feel a bit muddled and inconsistent.”

Udai felt a sense of frustration. He thought he'd understood his characters perfectly, but now it seemed like he had to go back to the drawing board.

“I see…” he paused, thinking about something, then nodded, “I get it,” he said.

Akaashi leaned back in his chair. “That’s all from me.”

Udai nodded.

“But don’t worry, Udai-san. These are small tweaks that can be easily fixed. And besides, the overall concept of the story is still strong. I think you have something special here.”

Udai took a deep breath, feeling a bit reassured. Akaashi was right — the story was still rough around the edges, but it had the potential to be great. They’ve talked about this before and agreed that this was a promising twist to end the whole story with.

“I sure get it, Editor-san.”

********************************************************

Udai let out a sigh as he rummaged through his drawer, searching for a pen. But as he dug deeper, his hands brushed against something soft and familiar

A small, old notebook, brown in color.

Udai felt a pang of nostalgia as he picked up the notebook, the one he used to carry with him everywhere back then in highschool. It was quite a multifunctional notebook as it could be something he would write some scratches of mathematical scribble or just something he would use to fool his Japanese teacher about his invisible homework. And then, he also uses this small notebook to pour some fragments of his lame, cringe, stupid ideas as just an inexperienced high-schooler.

The panels that filled some of the pages were fading, fragile with time. The once vibrant images that filled the empty panels have almost disappeared, no longer echoing those voices he remembered in the back of his mind.

As he flipped through the pages, memories flooded back to him—of his first ever manga to be created; the first one he was dared to share the public with, while on the other side of the fragile page was a sketch that once he tried so hard to hide from Akaashi.

Her. His first ever drawing of Tsubasa, his first inspiration, the main protagonist of his first manga.

He remembered it.

It was nothing more like his current work with all the darkness and grayness of zombies and conflicts that are hard to digest. Back then, his first manga was a cringe-worthy story about a schoolboy romance ignited by the feelings that blossomed in pink.

Unlike Zombie Knight that sold hundreds of millions of copies worldwide, his first manga was only rewarded with a small panel at the end of a weekly newspaper, the result of his gambling with fate that won him a lucky break.

About his first manga, Udai never said that he was particularly skillful, or that the story was particularly good. Instead, there were many weaknesses in his first manga. But back then, everything was pink, because beside him, there was always a warm whisper of reminder to always appreciate himself.

She had been there with him during those early days, encouraging him and supporting him when he was just starting out.

How cruel time had been.

It consumed all the panels containing the fragments of his ideas on those fragile sheets, yet, it seemed reluctant to take away the depiction of his first love, as if it was determined to keep punishing him with agony.

His chest ached, tight with regret that he could not put into words. Even a thousand apologies would not be able to contain his regret for what he could not repeat.

About the last time, yes, Udai was surprised because he didn’t expect that Tsubasa would be one of the million readers-not to mention, fans-of his manga. He wasn’t sure how he would sum up his feelings after gathering them all one by one.

There was something about this that excited him; that she read his manga, and even took some time to read his manga in between her presumably hectic work. It was a small victory, something that meant so much to him.

It was certainly something to be proud of, not only as a creator who managed to turn the world of one of his readers from time to time, as a Senpai who managed to gain the sincere support of one of his Kohai, but also as... someone who worked hard to realize one of the dreams they had once shared together in the early days.

However, something about this also made his chest tight.

The fact that she was the one who knew the most about his journey from the scratch, and still continued to be one of his readers until he was at this high made his heart clenched.

The door that led him to go back no longer existed.

That time, frustrated with what fate could not give him, frustrated that his hand could not reach an opportunity he desperately wanted to grasp, Udai lost his ability to distinguish between red and green.

The words that came out of his mouth, drumming like thunder, shutting down the only access he had.

One day, when there was a chance to turn everything back, he still put his ego first though a large part of him was fighting to be released from his binding pride, to return to the panel where the two of them were connected, to her.

Later on, when he encountered the last chance indifferently, the last access he had to return simply disappeared.

If only he could—

Udai shook his head, trying to clear his mind. He had work to do—work that Akaashi had pointed out needed improvement. He couldn’t let himself get distracted by thoughts of Tsubasa.

With renewed focus, Udai set to work. He spent hours poring over his sketch, making the changes that Akaashi had suggested. He adjusted the pacing, worked on making the character motivations clearer, and tightened the overall structure of the story.

As he worked, Udai found that his mind kept wandering back to Tsubasa.

He wondered if she was reading his manga now in between something she would be doing on her desk, if she would be proud of him for chasing his dreams. But he knew that he couldn’t let those thoughts get in the way of his work.

********************************************************

Udai had spent the whole night working on the changes that Akaashi had suggested. He had barely slept, hands sore from the constant sketching and note-taking.

But finally, he had a finished product in front of him — a revised rough sketching of the new twist of Zomb’ish ending, with the pacing smoothed out and the character motivations crystal clear.

He couldn’t wait to show Akaashi, to see the look of approval on his editor's face. As he headed to the café the next day, he felt a sense of nervous excitement building up inside him.

Akaashi was already there when Udai arrived, sitting at their usual table with a cup of coffee in front of him. Udai pulled out his sketch and slid it across the table to Akaashi, unable to contain the smile spreading across his face.

“Check it out, Akaashi-san.” Udai said, feeling a sense of pride and accomplishment wash over him, “I think I’ve finally nailed it.”

Akaashi took a sip of his coffee before studying the sketch, his eyes narrowing in concentration. Udai waited eagerly for his reaction, feeling his heart pounding in his chest.

But as he watched, Akaashi’s face remained impassive. He kept looking back and forth between the sketch and Udai, expression unchanged.

Finally, he spoke. “Hm. This is much better,” he said, “but I still think the pacing could be improved in this scene here.”

Udai felt the frustration rising inside him. He had worked so hard on this, putting all of his energy and passion into making the changes that Akaashi had demanded. And yet, it still wasn’t enough.

“Akaashi-san,” Udai said, making sure disappointment creeping into his voice, “I worked all night on this. I’m overworked and exhausted, and you still want me to make more changes?”

Akaashi looked up at him, his expression nonchalant as ever. “I just gave you some necessary feedback on how to improve your manga, for your own sake, Udai-san,” he said, “and as the mangaka, you are to make the necessary changes to realize what’s better. It’s necessary to be proud of your work, but you should also be willing to make changes when they’re necessary.”

Udai sighed, feeling a sense of guilt washing over him. He smiled wryly, almost a grin but more of a wincing sound. “As expected, your words are as sharp as ever. Do you have some kind of routine to sharpen them every morning? That’s why you’re waking up that early in the morning every day? And just how many times did you mention the word necessary just now?”

Akaashi did not respond, prompting Udai to quickly add what should have been his answer earlier. “I thought you’d be a little foolproof. Anyway, alright,” he said, trying to keep the defeat out of his voice, “I’ll make the necessary changes. But please, Akaashi-san. Can you show some mercy?”

Akaashi paused, his eyes locking onto Udai’s. For a moment, Udai thought he saw a flicker of kindness in them, a hint of sympathy.

But then Akaashi spoke, his tone nonchalant. “Well, only if you’re up for a hiatus, I suppose?”

Udai groaned, “Oh, come on!”

And with that, Akaashi took another sip of his coffee, his attention already shifting to something else.

“I’m 100% sure you are still going to demand a revision on my graveyard. I’m 100– no, 200% sure of that!” Udai muttered.

“Well, then, that’s cruel.”

“You’re the one saying that?”

Hours turned into days, and Udai felt himself slipping deeper and deeper into a hole of pure artistic drive. He was consumed by his work, tweaking and refining every detail until it was perfect.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he had a new draft ready.

Finally, Akaashi spoke. “Hm. This is it,” he said, “this’ll do.”

“Yosh!” Udai smiled, fisting the air confidently, missing the slight smile in Akaashi’s face. “Finally, a chance to sleep!”

“Sleep?”

Akaashi’s eyebrow, quirked. “You have a deadline for the 25th volume, Udai-san. Have you forgotten about that?”

His world was upside down, his head buried in the table as his mouth uttered a cry of whine.

“Akaashi-san… Remission please~”

Udai raised his head, his face making Akaashi frown in horror. It was truly a look that made people concerned.

“Udai-san, at this rate, you look more terrifying than the walking dead in your manga. Your face is terrifying!”

“Akaashi-san…”

********************************************************

Udai stumbled out of the café, his mind still filled with thoughts of deadlines and work. He was exhausted, barely able to keep his eyes open, let alone focus on anything else.

But as he walked down the sidewalk, lost in his own world, he suddenly felt something collide with his leg. He looked down, feeling a sense of surprise creeping up on him.

A little kid was standing there, looking up at him with wide eyes. A little boy. He couldn’t have been more than five or six years old, dressed in a bright orange jacket and holding a teddy bear in one hand.

Udai felt a sense of panic rising up inside him. He was not good with kids. He had never been good with them, even when he was young, and now he was too tired and overworked to deal with something like this.

But before he could say anything, the kid spoke up. “Excuse me,” he said, his voice trembling slightly, “can you help me find my dad?”

Udai felt the panic rising up inside him. He didn’t know what to do or say. He was too flustered, too overworked, and too exhausted to think straight.

“I, uh,” he started, feeling his voice falter, “I’m not sure. I don’t… I don’t know where your dad is.”

The kid’s lower lip started to quiver, and Udai felt a sense of guilt washing over him. He didn’t want to make the kid cry.

But try as he might, he couldn’t think of anything to say or do. He was too lost in his own thoughts, too consumed by his own problems.

As the little boy’s sobs grew louder, people started to turn and stare. Udai felt a sense of embarrassment wash over him. He didn’t want to cause a scene, didn’t want to be the center of attention.

Awkwardly, still unsure of what he could say to calm the little boy down, let alone of anything he could do for him, Udai bent down to meet him. His hand slowly, hesitantly and awkwardly, tried to touch the little boy’s shoulder to calm him down.

First of all, just do it like this… right?

His brain quickly to find a way out. Finally, he managed to stammer out something, something that only made things worse. “I-I’m sorry, but.. but I really don’t know how to find your dad.”

He was dumb.

The little boy’s crying was getting worse. Instead of making the little boy feel better, what he had just said, made things worse. As expected, he was really bad with kids.

Not to mention his looming deadline waiting at the apartment, another thing happened on his way back.

Panic and guilt mixed with his anxiety when she was being noticed by every eye that passed by them. Udai was rooted to the spot... it was obvious that immediately leaving this little boy alone right there would make him a total jerk, right? But even then, his presence only exacerbated this little boy’s crying.

Just as he was about to open his mouth to say something, someone passed by, approaching the little boy and greeting him kindly.

His world was momentarily taken over by the figure that had just passed by. Someone familiar had been there, taking over his role as the adult he had failed to play.

Crouching down to meet the little boy was Tsubasa who had appeared out of nowhere behind him. Although he wondered about her unexpected presence—and about this whole threatening thread of their continuous encounter—he was grateful that it was Tsubasa, who had always been very much better at things that he was bad at.

Her hands met the little boy’s shoulders gently, and she was warm. Her smile was as warm as a spring breeze.

“Hey, it’s okay,” her soothing voice, would no doubt immediately soothe the little boy from his crying which had previously gotten worse because of him. “Are you lost?”

The child nodded, hiccupping as he tried to speak. “I can’t find my dad,” he said, tears streaming down his face.

“Ah? Is that so? So you can’t find your dad?”

“Yes.”

Tsubasa was nodding.

“Are you going to help me find my dad, Onee-san?”

Tsubasa nodded again, this time a smile spread across her lips. “Yes, I am.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Tsubasa promised, “You can wipe your tears now—”

“Isamu, Tanaka Isamu.”

“Ah? So, your name is Isamu?”

The little boy nodded, “Yes.”

Tanaka.

Wait. Tanaka?

That name rang a bell to Udai. A name that he once heard back then in high school, a name of a familiar classmate with particularly short, blonde hair.

His eyes fixed to the little guy talking with Tsubasa, scanning that little boy, obviously looking for some resemblance that could ring a bell.

“Well, you got a very good name right there, Isamu-kun! Your parents must have thought so well to give you the name as it goes really well with you! Isamu. Bravery.”

Udai was unable to move as his eyes took in the way Tsubasa had her own way of soothing the lost little boy.

His heart clenched, tight with pain. Throbbing at every second he spent watching what was unfolding before him. Yet, on the one hand, seeing all the interactions between Tsubasa and the little boy brought relief to her heart.

“Alright brave boy, let’s find your dad! Can you tell me where did you see him last?”

“We were walking on the street and my dad said he wanted to go to the toilet. But he was taking so long, so I went to check… But I couldn’t find any toilet nearby and get lost in the street.”

“Alright, I get it. Now can you tell me about what your dad looks like?”

Watching Tsubasa saving his ass in front of the little boy made Udai feel embarrassingly safe.

Then, when she was done listening to everything the little boy said, Tsubasa turned to Udai. Her eyes that looked at him warmly carried with them a million pains that stabbed straight into his heart.

“Udai-san, hello,” she said.

The world was about her. The world was her.

Udai struggled to breathe, almost forgetting how to do so. And he almost forgot how to speak.

As best he could, he tried to answer her greeting in a friendly manner. A smile might be difficult, but a friendly greeting wouldn’t hurt, right? After all, in no time now, Hatakeyama Jiro might be coming to catch up with her, certainly couldn’t stand to be a second longer away from his significant other.

“Oh, Tsubasa. Hi.”

Even after a moment, Udai didn’t realize that he had just called her by her given name rather than her last name like the last two times. He only realized after Tsubasa’s eyes softened at him, tender, and so warm that guilt creeped up preying on his skin.

“I mean… Sasaki. Hello, Sasaki.”

Tsubasa just smiled, then immediately told him that she would help the little boy find his father. She intended to call the police to keep an eye on the little boy and will wait until the police come. Udai could see how the little boy held Tsubasa’s hand comfortably, certainly feeling safe and a thousand times better.

“I’ll be back when I’m done. Can you wait for me at a nearby park?”

Udai felt his heart sink into his stomach. Dumbstruck, he could only stare at her.

“I’ll be there to join you soon,” Tsubasa said, “so, wait for me.”

You’ll be there soon... then... then what? What of it that’s good for me? For us?

********************************************************

He should have said something.

Udai should have said something like ah, don’t bother coming back, I won’t wait for you, I’ll just leave, or perhaps something that’s more like I really wasn’t expecting another encounter with you, so please just go.

He should have said something, yet he didn’t. And it was because he couldn’t bring himself to say something that he felt annoyed with himself.

Didn’t he not want this meeting? Getting involved with her, getting into this panel was the last thing he wanted—

“Udai-san?”

Her voice came closer. Udai’s world shifted from the gray of self-reproach and the deafening hum of regret, to the warm greeting of a familiar woman smiling at him.

Her hand waved, kindly greeting him before she joined him.

Time is cruel. So is fate.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Tsubasa joined him, not hesitating to sit in the empty spot beside him. Her gaze was on him as she said, “I had to take care of other things while handing the child over to the local police. Ah, but the little boy’s father arrived just before the police took him.”

“Yeah?”

Tsubasa nodded. “Hm.” She took out a business card and showed it to Udai. “Her father is a personal trainer.”

Tsubasa’s gaze focused on the business card, missing how Udai’s gaze focused on her. It was as if his gaze was glued to her every feature, and as if the world around her was sinking into black and white.

Was it true that this encounter was the last thing that he wanted?

Turning to face him, Tsubasa was almost surprised to find that Udai had been watching her all along. Udai, realizing that he had been caught looking at her carelessly, immediately averted his gaze. Awkwardness creeping over his skin. Subconsciously, his hands clenched. Stupid thing, he cursed.

Udai was just about to apologize, but Tsubasa preceded him.

“I—“

“I’m sorry, Udai-san! I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Slowly, Udai turned to Tsubasa.

“I didn’t know that you were seeing the business card.”

Their gazes met.

Udai didn’t know whether to be grateful that he wasn't caught, or to be disappointed for some stupid reason.

He stared at the business card Tsubasa handed him for a moment as he heard her, “Here.”

Then Tsubasa added, “Ah, right. They’re also from Miyagi. What a coincidence, right?”

Udai had expected that before. The name Tanaka that the little boy brought up was all too familiar in his memory. He didn’t need Tsubasa to tell him that. He remembered the name he read on the business card.

“Ah, yeah…” Udai hesitated to nod, “thank you.”

Tsubasa smiled and quickly pulled out the business card and slipped it into the pocket of the jacket she was wearing.

Udai glanced over after hearing Tsubasa exhale loudly; a sigh of relief that ended in a smile as her eyes wandered to something he didn’t really want to know about.

“Summer will be over really soon…” she murmured.

This time, before being caught watching her again like before, Udai gathered the remnants of his sanity to quickly shift his gaze. Then just as he expected, Tsubasa returned him.

Really, though. He really wanted to ask her just for once, was she okay every time she was looking at him so casually like this? Since he never was..

“I’m sorry,”

Udai, who immediately turned, was greeted by Tsubasa’s smile. Although initially surprised by her words and the way she was looking at him, he frowned, even more confused by her words.

“that must’ve been so surprising for you.”

“Huh? About… about what?”

“About that little boy before,” Tsubasa continued, “you must have gotten confused when he started crying.”

Udai almost winced.

“Well... there are many unexpected things on the road. A mugging, a hit-and-run, a fight, a little boy looking for his father who was from Miyagi,” Tsubasa smiled before she got to her last sentence, “also about meeting you again on the street.”

The world around them went silent at that sentence. Everything slowed down, time, and everything outside of their panel slowed down.

“But I bet you must have been pretty flustered by a little kid suddenly crying in front of you, well... not to mention that it was surprising.”

The world returned to its normal rotation, and Tsubasa had returned to meet his gaze.

At Tsubasa’s innuendo, Udai grimaced. He almost looked half dejected when he said, “Do I look like that unreliable for you to say that?”

“Ah?”

Udai sighed, “I, too, am an adult myself.”

No matter how hard Udai denied the connection and familiarity between them, it would never be enough to fool his feelings. In the midst of his persistence to resist prolonged interaction with her, his body naturally succumbed to the magnetic force she brought with her. And that was how this interaction came back to its pole, to the panel he was on.

Udai would surely regret this.

One night, he would wake up to witness how he was wrapped in a bundle of guilt for crossing the line, for coming back into her life.

Then her laughter rang out, crystal clear in his ears. And the sight, oh, don’t even ask. Udai had no idea that somewhere in this world, he would find something that could match what he was witnessing.

Her eyes narrowed as she turned to meet his gaze. Beautiful, as ever. A glimpse of Sasaki Tsubasa, whom he met nine years ago, fit in between them. Udai’s heart swelled with pain, regret, and longing all rolled into one.

“Well, that little boy can decide for himself,” Tsubasa said.

In her smile this time, there was innuendo and confidence and a hint of joke. In his eyes however, there was something unreadable.

The one second during which their gazes met felt like a thousand years, seconds spinning away for what seemed like forever. Immediately, before he crossed the line even further, Udai averted his gaze.

“Ah! Right!”

Udai was almost startled by Tsubasa’s voice. He immediately turned to meet her.

“About that day,” Tsubasa continued, “what happened to your precious t-shirt?”

Udai remembered, “Oh…”

Guilt had just entered Tsubasa’s eyes. Her forehead furrowed, almost looking like she was wincing as she said, “I’m really sorry for what happened the other day! I was really careless!”

Udai raised both hands, “O-oh... yeah, I’m fine.”

“Then what happened? Did you wash it yourself?”

“Eh?”

“Your t-shirt I mean,” Tsubasa said. “Did you wash it on your own?”

“Sure— ah, I took my clothes to the laundry.” Udai quickly continued before Tsubasa could say anything. “I made a note to the laundry worker to pay attention to the ocha stains.”

“Is that so?”

Udai nodded.

Tsubasa sighed, sounding more relieved this time. “Thank goodness,” she murmured.

Udai hummed. His gaze shifted, leaving Tsubasa behind.

The atmosphere returned to silence. They were both immersed in the sounds of the bustling street with no thought of immediately resuming the conversation. Even Tsubasa, who usually could not stand the silence for long, this time also chose to side with the silence. Udai wouldn’t blame her. What did she expect from a conversation with some ignorant jerk like him? What did she expect from the man who had broken her heart?

“Well…” Tsubasa finally spoke. Her relieved sigh invited Udai to return. “I guess I can say that I’m a slightly better adult than you, Udai-san.” she smiled kindly at him.

“Also,” Tsubasa was still smiling. The seconds when she paused her sentence were heavy with anticipation, “it’s been a while since I heard someone call me by my real name.”

Udai was dumbfounded. Damn tongue.

No.

Damn brain. If his brain hadn’t thought the name he usually called her was Tsubasa, then he wouldn’t have called her name so carelessly. Or was it his heart? His feelings?

No. Damn fate and time.

If fate and time had not brought them together, Udai would not have become so sentimental about Tsubasa and their unsettled pace in the first place. And since the damn fate and time were so eager to see him suffer, here he was. He succumbed to the awkwardness that held him tight before this situation.

“I think... The last time I heard someone call me by my real name was in high school.”

He heard her, and he swore that she was talking about him. Who else? There wasn’t a single person in Karasuno who called Tsubasa by her real name if it wasn’t him.

“It’s good to hear it again. Like a good reminder of the past.” Tsubasa said, smiling kindly at Udai.

He looked away, choosing to avert his eyes first. The stupid jerk that he is.

“I just slipped off…”Udai muttered, as if unwilling for Tsubasa to hear his words.

His response came in a surprisingly bright tone, “It’s okay.”

Udai met her gaze again to witness how warmly she smiled.

“Whether you just slipped off and didn’t mean to or not, I’m still happy to hear someone call me by my real name after a while.”

For the first time, Udai didn’t want to believe her words. He would have preferred if she had said that she was uncomfortable with his calling, that she was uncomfortable with anything that reminded her of the past, like how he felt about everything... but what if she was happy that it was him?

“I guess I should…” she did not finish her sentence, like she felt heavy on the part where she finally had to exclude herself. But after that, her smile quickly brightened as she got up. Her gaze returned to Udai as she said, “I’ll take this direction,” she pointed in any direction behind her back, “what about you, Udai-san?”

Udai had previously been convinced that he would rather not meet her anywhere, convinced that it was the wisest choice.

Being distracted in the middle of his work because his mind was constantly searching for her was more than enough. Plunging himself into her panel would only bloom his desire, whereas in his sense, that was the least that could happen for her sake.

His presence was a catastrophe in her life, his presence would only bring thundering rain to her summer, black clouds to her sunshine.

“I…”

He knew that he wasn’t good for Tsubasa, moreover, it was inappropriate to have his panel running alongside hers, but this time, Udai wanted to let that be.

Seeing her slowly pull away made him want to cross the line. Just this once, he didn’t want their meeting to end this fast.

Udai left his seat, catching up with Tsubasa who greeted him with a look that was still waiting for his answer.

“Udai-san?”

One last look into her eyes and Udai was sure to be greedy just this once.

“Are you free today?”

Just this once, he said. After that, he would drag himself away from this panel.

He saw Tsubasa staring in confusion, “Sorry?”

Squeezing everything that prevented him from surrendering into the magnetic pull of wanting to be around her, Udai finally said, “If you’re free, would you mind joining me for a coffee?”

.

.

.

Miyagi Prefecture, Nine Years Ago

In the early hours of the morning, as the sun started to peek out from behind the trees, Udai was already up and ready to go. He laced up his volleyball shoes, checked his knee pads, and made his way to the gymnasium for his team’s morning practice.

Hitting the court, he was in his element, exploding with energy and passion for the sport. He felt the weight of the volleyball in his palm, and as he served over the net, it seemed like all of his focus was on that little white ball. Every time it made contact with his fingertips, he felt the exhilarating rush of adrenaline that kept him going.

As the practice began to wind down, the other members of the Karasuno team slowly started filing out of the gym. Udai lingered a little longer, taking advantage of the empty space to run a few drills that he hadn't quite mastered yet.

He made a decision that would alter the course of his day.

He slipped away from the classroom, unnoticed by his classmates, and crept into the gymnasium storage room. The dusty smell of the room was familiar to him, and he lay down on an old mat in the corner. He was not tired, he just didn’t want to attend the class, because…. It wasn't that he didn’t like the class, but it was just so uninteresting to him. He’d much rather be practicing on the court for some hours more.

The storage room indeed wasn’t the most comfortable place to spend time, but it was secluded, hidden away from prying eyes.

The silence of the storage room allowed his thoughts to wander. He thought of the volleyball match that was coming up soon and the fear of losing started creeping in.

********************************************************

It was another typical day in the gymnasium as Tsubasa’s gym class was in full swing.

Their gym teacher had arranged a friendly match, pitting the students against each other, to promote teamwork and sportive spirit. As Tsubasa stood with her teammates, a bundle of nerves and trepidation coiled up inside of her. But as soon as the whistle blew, and the game began, she was surprisingly doing well in the game.

“Oi, Sasaki did a really great job right there!”

Some boys watching commented.

“She’s enjoying herself. Not bad!” The other one added.

“Way to go, Sasaki!” And the other began cheering for her.

“She’s cute, don’t you think?” Then he turned to the boy before, smiling.

“Yeah, she has some grace.” The other boy agreed.

“Right? Gonna have to try to ask for her number.” He said again, “Go, go, Sasaki! Take them down!”

Despite being a newcomer to the game, Tsubasa quickly adapted, using her intelligence and quick thinking to outmaneuver the other players.

Her shots had precision, and her passes found their mark. She moved with such grace that it was as if she had been playing this game all her life.

As she skated back and forth on the court, dodging other players and scoring goals, her classmates cheered.

The girls on the other side of the court cheered for her, “Sasaki! You’re the best!”

********************************************************

When the class finally came to an end, Tsubasa began to gather her things, ready to head back to the locker room and get ready for the next class.

As she made her way towards the gymnasium’s entrance she noticed the class representative was struggling to carry a pile of gym equipment and props, her small frame buckling under the weight of it all.

Tsubasa stood there, observing for a moment and taking in the situation at hand.

Some of her classmates were still there, they greet her when they passed her.

“Sasaki, you’re not coming?”

She turned briefly and nodded, “Go ahead. I’ll meet you in the class.”

“Okay.”

When her classmates leave, Tsubasa shifted to where she remember the class rep. was, still struggling with everything.

“Ishikawa!” She called out, approaching the girl.

The class rep. turned, “Oh? Sasaki, you’re still here?”

Tsubasa hummed. “Here, let me help.”

“Oh no—“

Tsubasa smiled. “That’s too much for you to handle, right?” She turned and looked around, “and the boys are really fast to leave… Moh… they’re really the worst!”

She casually bent down to gather some things that needed to be brought back to the storage room.

“Thank you, Sasaki.”

Tsubasa turned and smiled.

Opening the gym storage room door, the room was very dark and dusty. They had tried to turn on the lights, but they were broken. Finally, with a little light from the vents, they entered the room while being careful to put anything down lest it damage the rest of the gym equipment.

The next time they entered, Tsubasa brought with her a stack of mats that had been used in the previous gym class alone.

“Sasaki? Eh— but that’s too much for you—“

“It’s okay, Ishikawa-chan. I got this.” Tsubasa smiled and walked slowly into the storage room.

“Be careful. Really, be careful, Sasaki. It’s very dark inside.” The class rep. said worriedly.

“Alright. I’m okay.”

The class rep. was walking out anxiously while occasionally looking back at the storage room door to make sure that Tsubasa would be okay, all the while feeling guilty for involving her in her troublesome job. She wasn’t so far leaving the storage entrance that she heard a loud clattering sound from inside.

“Sasaki!”

The class rep. immediately rushed into the storage room, watching as Tsubasa sat on the floor whilst staring at another boy standing before her, along with some metal poles lying on the floor.

“Sasaki!? Are you okay?”

—

[liillyliilly]

His Diary

akaashi keiji x reader words; 10082 synopsis; For Akaashi Keiji, love meant letting someone know him better than he knew himself. It also meant being okay with letting her read his diary.

She decided that this was her new favorite book. It had all the right amounts of everything in it, drama, romance, depression, self-loathing. The journal she found was likely never written to be read. The journal he lost, the journal that Akaashi Keiji misplaced on a train going home from his editing job, he never expected to become a crux in his journey to love.

In all honesty, she didn’t even know it was a journal. It just seemed to be an episodic novel with a unique font, something along the vein of The Perks of Being A Wallflower. She only ever knew the leather-bound pages as a novel with no name. The author used a first-person perspective when writing and told the story of a young volleyball player who wanted desperately to find a passion, so he surrounded himself with others who had passion. What he seemed to enjoy more than playing the sport was writing though.

The author of the untitled book loved to read because the way he wrote made everything else she had read pale in comparison to the inky brilliance. He had captured teenager-dom with such sleight of hand that she believed his writing was made of magic and fairy dust. The story made her cry, made her groan, and made her feel second-hand embarrassment to an extreme she thought wasn’t possible.

When she read the first chapter, she realized she ought to pace her reading, because there were only so many entries. And she had no way of contacting or looking up the author, there was no information of who the author was on the back of the book. There was a Fukurodani Sticker, a school she remembers from her own time at a high school nearby, they were known for their volleyball skills and prowess, so she assumed maybe the author had some lived experience when it came to volleyball. Maybe that was a hobby aside from being a writer of such compelling stories.

She carried it everywhere from the day she picked it up on the floor of the train, it was always in her backpack, purse, and suitcase. She never left it alone, it had become a part of her. She felt like somehow this author reached into her heart and left fingerprints of his making into permanent fixtures of her anatomical structure. DATE: XX-XX-2013 TITLE: Alethiology; The Study of Truth

Today I realized that maybe I am all that I will be. My capacity has limits in comparison to others. A friend of a friend told me that their volleyball captain made a speech once, not to the whole team, just talking with buddies. His speech, or at least the parts I remember from it, was devastating. He said something like guys like Atsumu and all those geniuses, do things on a scale of 1-20, whereas normal guys like me do things on a scale of 1-10. Or maybe they have a denser more compact 1-10. And if 1-20 doesn’t work out, they try things from A to Z.

I’ve never thought of things like that. There’s always been a straightforward path for me, whereas, in comparison to Bokuto, he seems to have a much longer and more complex route ahead of him. Am I all that I will be? Is there a way for the normal guy to switch from 1-10 and try 1-20?

We have another game soon, maybe I can control more than I expect. Is flight into this world of geniuses possible? I can only control myself and my thoughts, but maybe there are external factors that contribute to my role on this team. My role in life as well.

Bokuto is asking for me, I need to go. Hope I can write again soon, but with all the games we’ll be playing I’m doubtful I can write with actual thoughts and not just tallies and plays from the games.

- A.K.

“I mean, who thinks of things like that Miwa?” She sits in the styling chair, getting a refresher on her hair. Miwa snips away lightly, inspecting each strand with duty and consideration for the entire look.

“Your author crush does.” Miwa brushes away some hair from Y/N’s shoulders, tidying up the apron wrapped around her.

She just rolls her eyes at Miwa’s comment. Flipping to the page in the book, tracing a finger over the deep black gel pen markings. Numbers and dashes and names of high schools against Fukurodani tell the story of the adventure at Tokyo’s national volleyball tournament from way back in 2013. She had barely started her second year of middle school in 2013, ripely being 14 years old.

Miwa and her sip some freshly made smoothies of Miwa’s creation, sitting at a table in the window of the entrance to the salon. Miwa bounces her foot that’s crossed over her leg and she pours over the entry once again. It was becoming addicting to choose one entry to re-read until she ingrained the stylistic choices into a deep long-term memory.

At that same moment, Bokuto Koutarou and his best friend Akaashi Keiji walk past Miwa’s Salon, attempting to plan a group hangout to celebrate Bokuto joining the MSBY Black Jackals team.

“I’ll need to make sure Konoha comes, and that he brings that cute friend of his for you,” Bokuto wiggles his eyebrows repeatedly, and Akaashi shoves him lightly on the shoulder.

“Konoha is dating that cute girl he brings around.” Akaashi clarifies. Bokuto looks stunned, but then he remembers them making out on his couch during movie night that one time.

Akaashi looks around the street for a moment, peeking into the windows and observing the various occupants. When he sees his journal, the one that’s been missing for a little over a year, he just has to get it back.

When Akaashi pulls Bokuto into the hair salon, and barely below a scream says, “You stole my journal!” pointing at the girl who was indeed holding his journal from high school, Bokuto feels like his head was put through a blender. There were three very distinct things occurring at that moment. A pretty girl was shoving a book into her bag looking very defensive, Akaashi was trying to take the aforementioned girl’s bag from her, and a girl who he assumed was the pretty girl’s friend had a pair of scissors pointing at Bokuto by the throat.

Akaashi was still trying to pull the bag away, the pretty girl was looking extremely scared, and the scissors girl had opened and closed them one too many times for Bokuto’s comfort.

“Listen, I think we should all just take a moment to pause.” Bokuto held his hands up, shuffling to outturn his pockets in a show of lack of violent intentions. The black-haired girl puts the scissors back into her half apron that’s around her waist and then folds her arms.

Bokuto then pries Akaashi away from the pretty girl who was now clutching her bag against her chest and sniffling a little. Akaashi did feel bad that he made such a bad first impression, but he swore she had his journal. His embarrassing high school journal, the same journal that had cataloged many things he wished he never had recorded down on paper.

Bokuto pushes Akaashi’s head down, forcing him into a deep bow. Bokuto follows suit and also bows.

“I’m sorry for, uh, trying to steal your bag. But I think you may have a book, that isn’t a book at all, but rather my journal.” Akaashi is now sitting at the table in the window, Bokuto, the black-haired girl, and the pretty girl also sitting with him.

Outside the evening had quickly set in, with the orange and pink colors racing to get to the skyline. The blue began to fade into a deep dark navy color. And the lights on the streets began to flicker on. The lights on the outside of the salon began to twinkle from the setting they had been placed on, fairy lights luring those with a need for a haircut into the salon.

Bokuto had his head on his hand, staring intensely at the girl who had taken Akaashi’s journal, sighing slightly at the way her lips pouted and shined from her lip gloss. The girl with the scissors had brought out two more glasses of thick smoothie.

She pulled out the journal from her Doughnut Macaroon-style crossbody bag and slid it over to Akaashi. Akaashi flipped through the pages, immediately recognizing it as his. His face goes red and he readjusts his glasses, and she realizes that this must be his journal. He even goes straight to the back cover and smiles at the sticker she had grown to love to trace with her pinkie when reading.

“I’m not done with it yet, so, I really do hate to say this, but you can’t have it back until I finish it.” She takes the book back and tucks it into her bag again. Akaashi looks dumbfounded, eyebrows raised and lips pursed into a line.

“You’re just going to keep private property? Even though you know it’s mine?” What a dauntless woman she was, to show what Akaashi considered to be audacity with the whole journal situation.

Bokuto chimes in at this point, “Akaashi, I think we should just let the pretty girl keep your little diary.” Bokuto then starts nodding his head up and down to try and get agreement from Akaashi. Akaashi scoffs.

“Okay, so it’s settled, my cutie of a best friend will keep the journal until she finishes it, we’ll get your numbers and she can contact y’all when she finishes the journal, and I get to cut both of y’all’s hair because honestly, it’s atrocious.” Leave it to Miwa to consolidate a plan in a matter of moments.

Miwa touched the spiky salt and pepper hair that Bokuto had, and Miwa’s expression turned sour when she felt the amount of gel on top of his head, then Miwa pulled out a photo of Yuki Ishikawa in a two-block cut and explained what color of black dye Miwa will use for Bokuto. For Akaashi, Miwa just did a trim and tidied up his sides to bring them slightly tighter into his face.

While annoyed, Akaashi does give her his number, along with his name, and Bokuto does the same with much more enthusiasm. After the haircuts are finished, Akaashi tries to pull Bokuto away from the salon, but Bokuto keeps doing the ‘call me later’ signal with his hand and blowing a kiss to her wistfully. She just waves to the both of them while Miwa giggles behind her dye-stained glove. DATE: XX-XX-13 TITLE: Meraki; Putting A Piece of Yourself Into Your Passion

I am the protagonist of the world. We lost but I am still alive, we lost but I loved the game. I came to the realization that it doesn’t matter if you are the best character, the most complex, or the most ‘genius’ of them all. It doesn’t matter because I am the protagonist. I can be the hero of my own story without ever having won first place in a big-name tournament.

Bokuto is graduating, and I’ll still be here, which is disappointing. He’s my best friend I think. Even if he’s the most annoying ass I’ve ever met, he’s still my best friend and I would never trade him for any other person in the entire world. Together we are the protagonists of the world.

Second place is just as accoladed as first place. If I wasn’t who I am, then maybe I would’ve gotten mad. The first-place winner is a rich school, they’ve been a powerhouse for decades at this point, and this win is just another notch on the belt. If I wasn’t who I am, especially after this tournament, maybe I would’ve gotten frustrated at myself for not doing enough. For not being a setter like Kageyama. Or a setter like Oikawa. That doesn’t matter though, I am a setter. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. But a human mind will always wonder why. And sometimes it's just because you’re unlucky.

Kenma told me about his loss to Karasuno, his sweaty hands made the ball slip in the final point. He laughed about it, he said that that was the best game of volleyball he’s ever played. When Kenma told Kuroo thanks for teaching him volleyball, I cried, but not as much as Kuroo did. They remind me of why I went to Fukurodani. I saw Bokuto’s passion for the sport. His passion encouraged mine, and look where we got to. We because the victors at the end of the war.

Mom made katsu chicken for dinner, I did some homework, and I had to put away my volleyball uniform for next year. I practiced in my backyard, alternating between overhead and underhand passes, seeing how long I could go without dropping the ball. Dad called me into the house for ice cream after thirty minutes elapsed.

I called Bokuto tonight before I went to bed. Told him that he’s my best friend and that I love volleyball. Bokuto agreed.

- A.K.

She was crying, and so she held the book out in front of her, resting it on her blanket. She finally had some faces to match with the words she was reading, and it all felt much too real. Bokuto did seem like the type of person to adopt and bring a person like Akaashi into his fold. But the way that Akaashi genuinely admired and appreciated his best friend was unparalleled and she felt like he would understand the exact way she felt about her best friend, Miwa.

Miwa and her met when she was fresh out of college. She hadn’t an idea of what to do in her life, while Miwa seemed to have her passion set out in front of her with her hair and makeup salon. When she got a haircut from Miwa and started ranting about her life, Miwa just told her to slow everything down. Take a gap year from life and just be a human. So, she picked up shifts at Miwa’s salon and moved in with her.

The best friends slowly became business partners as well, and an expansion to the salon was added, a small specialty bookshop that she ran, while Miwa continued to do hairstyling. Their customers were dedicated and loved to support their business. Branding remained solely under Miwa’s name, but she became everything else to the brand as well, the little addition that made the salon extra special.

When she started to cough a little from the way her heart was beating erratically from crying about Akaashi’s diary, she had to get out of bed and get a glass of water. Akaashi’s number was resting on her kitchen table. Miwa was watching some rom-com in the living room of their shared apartment. She brushed pasted the kitchen and sat next to Miwa.

“A good chapter?” Miwa threw a piece of popcorn into her mouth.

“He’s devastating. Who writes like they feel every emotion entirely?” She started crying again and Miwa laughed a little before rubbing her best friend’s back.

“You could always call him and tell him he’s a good writer if you need to talk about it. Sure it’s unconventional, but maybe he has more insights that you can cry to.” She grabbed a pillow and started hitting Miwa with it.

She did take Akaashi’s number into her room on her way back to bed though. Leaving the series of digits on her bedside table, she re-read the passage and cried again. She thinks she knows him better than most, but they aren’t even friends.

Since realizing he’s a person, and that Akaashi lived this story in the book. The story of his life recorded in his journal, she starts to wonder about what happened to him after he stopped writing in the diary. But she hasn’t finished the story yet, so she’ll have to see what happens next. Again, trying to pace herself, she puts the book away until tomorrow when she can read a little more.

Akaashi sits in his office, he’s still there and it’s much later than the clock would like to admit. The clock wondered if Akaashi would ever go home. But there he was, reviewing the different styles of manga serializations Udai Tenma wanted to try out for his next series. His haircut makes him feel a little colder because now the air can hit right behind his ear instead of being covered with his hair. He puts on a beanie to fight the chill.

When it gets too late at night, his mind tends to wander slightly. Just barely drifting out of his control, like the way a lily pad will drift to the center of a pond when the stem at the base of the connection is severed. He can’t dive into the pond to bring his thoughts back into his hands.

He thinks about her. The girl with his journal. The journal was a cheap 2,500 yen book, but he liked the paper, it was a cold press thicker GSM than most other paper forms. Gel inks went on smoothly to the paper, letting him get more words across by the second than if he was writing with a ballpoint. He remembers that from when he used to write in the journal in high school.

Throwing himself into the back of his seat, he rubs his face, his glasses almost falling off from how he runs his hands up from his chin to his forehead. Setting the glasses on his desk, he spins his chair a little. The clock screams at him, he takes the message from his dedicated clock and grabs his messenger bag.

On the train, he thinks about her again. Instead of getting irritated at how Bokuto essentially gave his journal away to a stranger again, he wonders what her thoughts are. Was his writing any good to warrant such a committed reader? Did she like his journal only because it was funny to read what his dramatic high school self wrote about?

He cringes thinking about all the potential things he wrote down. There’s no direct recollection of what he wrote down exactly, but he knows vaguely what was on his mind when he was writing. His ego, his insecurities, his favorite things. Lots about volleyball, Bokuto, and books. Once he wrote about his thoughts on sex, which is embarrassing for him that a grown woman is reading his teenage idealizations of intimacy.

It could be considered something unique to read. Akaashi settled into the belief that she was merely reading his journal because it was something different than typical books that were being published. Although, why she was reading his journal instead of a Haruki Murakami book was beyond him. Nothing beats his favorite literary giant.

Setting his bag on the coat hanger stand, and shrugging out of his long pea coat. He heats some stovetop ramen while listening to Bokuto talk over the phone, he was ranting about the same girl that Akaashi had had on his mind.

“Oh and those eyes of hers. Did you see them?” Of course, Akaashi saw them, they were big, bright, and astute. Akaashi hums in response, and Bokuto continues barreling through his late-night thoughts.

“I think we should invite her to my party. You know, the one to celebrate my big accomplishment.” In a different apartment, Bokuto spins a volleyball on his finger, but he keeps dropping it so he ends up just repeatedly tossing it into the air so he can satiate the desire to feel his fingers on the ball.

“Yeah, how about no.”

Bokuto asks why not, almost in a whining tone.

“Did you forget she has my journal still?” Akaashi put his bowl in the sink, putting on rubber gloves as he started to wash out the dish and then put it on the drying rack. He decided to finish all his dishes right now anyway since he still had the gloves on.

“Your diary can’t be that juicy, you didn’t do anything too dramatic in high school. Plus I know you wanna see her again too. Don’t pretend like you don’t have a piqued interest. Also, did I use piqued right?”

“You used it right, yes.”

He eventually agreed to let Bokuto invite her to the small get-together. Akaashi didn’t know why Bokuto kept referring to it as a party.

A week later, Akaashi realized that maybe Bokuto kept calling it a party because it had shifted from a friends-only gathering to a huge party at the park. Some other Fukurodani alumni helped to set up decorations in the central gazebo and make banners to hang all over the pavilion. Akaashi was mixing the punch at a table, while Konoha asked what he had been up to lately.

Kuroo and Kenma brought huge gifts for Bokuto, a PlayStation from Kenma, and a packet of potential sponsorship deals from Kuroo.

When she finally made her way to the pavilion with a small brown package, Akaashi couldn't care less about the party. She was wearing a tight-fitting black shirt with a tiered white and gold skirt, and her shoes were a pair of sneakers, but the whole outfit made Akaashi concede to Bokuto’s claim of her being “drool-worthy”. He had to remember that this was the same woman who had his diary. The whole conflict between physical attraction and mental frustration made for an entirely convoluted reaction to her presence.

She bows politely to Bokuto when he goes over to her, offering the gift with both hands, only then did Akaashi wonder how old she must have been. Bokuto had been talking to her more than him, and Bokuto had mentioned that she was a second-year middle schooler when Bokuto was in his third year. Akaashi did some mental math and realized that he, himself, must have been around three to four years older than her.

Akaashi forced himself to ignore the idea of a cute younger girlfriend that started to pester him in the back of his mind. He wanted his journal back, and that’s all this relationship was to him, a mutual exchange of her reading and then him eventually getting back his property. But with the way she had done her hair, Akaashi had a hard time focusing solely on wanting his diary returned.

She was glad that Bokuto appreciated the gift, she hadn’t known him longer than a week or so, and she had gone with a safe gift based on what she knew about him and why this party was even being thrown. She got him a wearable jump monitor that her dad had bought a month ago but never used, she was grateful for having a father who never threw things away. She also included some stickers that she had bought from a small sticker shop online, and some that she had made using Miwa’s craft supplies.

When the excitement of her being at the park died down, she made her way to a table, with a small plate of desserts. She observed how everyone interacted with each other, almost as if they had been friends since the dawn of time, and she believed that that very well might have been the case.

Akaashi stalked her from afar. He appreciated that she was similar to him in a way that mattered to him, she was a watcher. She would assess what was going on, who would talk to who, and how they would nonverbally communicate as well. He got so engrossed in watching her that he neglected to observe the others as well.

Specifically, Konoha, Washio, and Komi had grabbed a water cooler and had the full intention of dumping the water on Akaashi. It was payback for declining their invitations to various other parties from the last year. So there he was, not only soaked through with water but revealed from his vantage point unmistakably indicating to her that he must have been watching her. She laughed a little at the antics but then brought over a small cloth she had in her crossbody bag.

His white shirt was completely transparent, and his brown slacks had turned from a regular light brown into a dark musty brown. The only way to resolve the issue in her mind was to start dabbing at his chest with her handkerchief.

“I see that your friends have a peculiar method of exacting humor.” Her handkerchief eventually was too soaked through that she was just touching his chest with a cloth that had performed osmosis and was now at equilibrium with the water on his shirt.

“Yep.”

“Look, there’s a hoodie in my car, I know we aren’t too close, but it’s probably better to wear my oversized hoodie than to have your whole torso on display for the rest of the night.” She shoves her thumb in the direction of her car.

After making their way to her car, she digs through the trunk and pulls out a grey hoodie with the words ‘Miwa’s Salon’ embroidered on the back. He tugs at the back of his shirt to take it off and she widens her eyes before turning around. The hoodie is comfortable, with a soft fleece on the inside, and it smelt like lychee, vanilla, and surprisingly chocolate marshmallows. It smells like her and he wonders if he could have the scent bottled and then sprayed all over his house.

Suddenly he’s tugging at the collar of the hoodie and swallowing thickly, looking around at anything but her figure in front of him.

“We should probably get heading back to everyone now that you’ve changed.” She goes to start walking to the gazebo, but Akaashi’s words stop her.

“How well do you know me?” She tilted her head and said something about not following along with what he was saying, so he continued, “Well, you’re reading a part of me, you know with my journal, my internal thoughts and hopes and dreams and all that. So, how well do you know me?”

She timidly bites down on her bottom lip, formulating a response. But Akaashi surmises that she must not really care much for the conversation, so he, unfortunately, starts to run his mouth and the words just spiral out.

“You know, it doesn’t matter, to you, it’s just a story about a teenage boy who played volleyball. It’s silly to assume you’d try and actually-”

She cuts in, “I know you’re a considerate person. And it's not just about the volleyball stuff, it's about you, finding yourself to some degree. I know you are polite. I know you’re allergic to beating around the bush, you’re direct and blunt. I know that you can overthink too much.”

Akaashi repeatedly adjusted his glasses, and she stepped just a little bit closer to him, folding her hands behind her back and leaning in slightly so she didn’t have to talk as loudly.

“You also have a bad habit of thinking you can control more than you can, one of the interesting things in your journal is how you jump back and forth between knowing what you can control and then inflating from stress and thinking you can micromanage the entire world. You said you can control the court, but in reality, that’s your worldview. You conclude you can control the entire world sometimes.”

He regrets starting the conversation because this revelation of how much she knew about him exposes him. Akaashi didn’t know how to continue with the gap in knowledge between the two of them.

He only knew she was younger than him, she was incredibly perceptive, and she smelled so freaking good he just wanted to shove her into the backseat of her car and kiss her. Akaashi’s thoughts could not have been his own at this point, he was going crazy. He must have gotten sick from the cold water being dumped on him he speculates.

When they get back to the gazebo, Akaashi thanks Bokuto for the party and heads home. She stays at the party, talking to a select few people and wondering what exactly she said that scared Akaashi off so quickly.

Sitting in the tub, Akaashi rests his head against the shower wall and lets the hot water filter his congestion that didn’t exist. His hand twitched over to his phone, which was on the toilet seat playing some piano music that he hoped would alleviate all his bad habits. He wonders if she will text him soon. If she would text him ever. He felt like he was younger, it was ridiculous that one person would have such an effect on him to this degree.

After the party, she sits with Miwa, disclosing everything that happened at the party.

“And then he just ran off?” She nods at Miwa repeating what she just said. “Girlie, you gave him an in-depth review of his personality and you’re shocked that he ran away? Sometimes you can be too judicious for your own good.”

“Should I text him an apology?”

“Are you sorry for anything?” Miwa rolled her eyes, hating when she got like this. Miwa never allowed her to apologize for things that didn’t need to be apologized for.

“No.” She rubs her arm and chews the inside of her cheek.

“I think you think he’s hot, I mean, you understand this man on a deeper level that he now grasps, and you said he had the chest and torso of some kind of slutty librarian/gym rat agglomeration.” Miwa takes a bobby pin out of her hair and runs a hand through her bob cut, “If it was me, I would send him a picture of the journal and ask for nudes, or else the book gets it.”

She hits Miwa with a pillow, and Miwa realizes she really should throw the pillows away or else getting hit with them would be a very painful recurrence.

Miwa goes to sleep, but she stays up just a little later. Eyeing Akaashi’s number that lay painfully glaring at her. She decides to read more of his diary instead of texting him. DATE: XX-XX-13 TITLE: Weltschmerz; Sadness When The World Isn’t As It Should Be

Summer sucks. Bokuto has a training thing for some team he wants to be a part of in the future. All my friends that were third years are essentially gone, actually out and living life, and I’m stuck here. At least there’s only one more year left of high school. And then I can go and work for a literary magazine.

I miss people. Despite their failings, I do need people in my life.

You can only play so much volleyball in a day by yourself before your motivation is gone by the third week of playing alone.

It’s times like these that make me think about the future. I don’t spend much time with girls per se, but they are pretty and nice. Our manager is a girl, but she has a boyfriend. She’s chill.

Sometimes, when I feel like something is wrong, I turn to the idea of love. I’ll admit that I love a few things in life, but that’s only because I think love is something truly special that you can’t just fling around. I ‘like’ things more often than I ‘love’ them. Volleyball, my best friend, my family, books, and writing.

Will I know when I’ve found the love of my life? My parents said they knew they loved each other from the first moment they met. Will I feel like that too? Will I know it’s love? How can a feeling be recognized as a specific feeling? How do I know what anger feels like, besides that heat and pressure and red hot sun? How do I know what sadness feels like, besides water, coldness, and finishing a run? Would love have those distinct colors and associations? Or would love just become the person I love?

I don’t believe in soulmates. Definitely not. I think people are infinitely compatible, and it all depends on our ability to communicate and agree to grow with a person for the rest of our lives. I believe we make our own soulmates, through sharing experiences and agreeing to be ourselves no matter what. I told my mom this and she just smiled at me like I still had a lot of life left to live.

But don’t I have enough experience to know what I want? Or at least to formulate my own opinions and beliefs? I may be 17 but I am not an idiot.

Or did my mom’s look of a wistful future just mean that when I fall in love I’ll know it and I’ll look back to these words and think I’m completely ridiculous?

Dad made spaghetti for dinner. It was gross so we ended up having to order udon from the place I like instead.

We watched a movie Mom wanted to show me, the title was something like Wildly Wealthy Westerners or something. It was just about rich people from America and Canada, plus a subplot of romance between a basic guy and this rich heiress girl who just couldn’t be together because of rich people's reasons. It was silly but the music was good. The ending kiss scene was hot, he shoved her into the backseat of his jeep and I swear I heard Mom sigh.

- A.K.

She didn’t expect him to text her on Monday of the following week, asking if they could meet for tea at a place near his work during his lunch break. She surprised herself by agreeing to it, and then by cheekily calling it a date.

Akaashi shoved his phone into Udai’s face, “What does this mean?”

Udai pushed his bangs back and inspected the text messages on Akaashi’s phone. “I think it means she agreed to go on the date you asked her on?”

“But I didn’t ask her on a date?”

“Oh, but you definitely did. Oh and tea? What dork takes a girl for tea on a first date?” Udai pushed Akaashi’s phone away and clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Then Udai’s face breaks into a blinding grin, “Is this your little diary thief? And the one who gave you the sweater at Bo’s party? Oh, it is isn’t it, do you have a picture of her?”

Akaashi briefly flashed a photo Bokuto had taken with her in Udai’s direction.

“DAMN! I need me my own diary thief,” Udai raised his eyebrows and started laughing a little, and then he ruffled his hair and used his fingers to zoom into her face, slowly, he started moving down the picture to her body. Akaashi pulled his phone back before Udai got too far down.

The clock on Akaashi’s desk wanted him to leave for an early lunch and by an early lunch, an hour early. So there he sat at the small cafe on the corner by his office building, rubbing his sweaty hands against the legs of his pants, waiting for her. She was five minutes early and was surprised to see him already at a table, so she decided to have a little fun.

Since his back was turned, she went up to him and tapped his shoulder, when he turned around she let out a small “Boo!” and put her hands up into an imitation of claws, trying her best to seem scary. He just thought she was adorable. He motioned for her to sit down.

Resting her crossbody bag against the back of the chair, she took a seat. Akaashi was able to wave down a waiter, who gave them a single menu to look over.

“What kind of tea do you like?” She asked, using her pointer finger to scan through the options the cafe had available.

“I like black tea, and sometimes chamomile tea.” He asked her for her favorite type, and she told him. He tried to commit her favorite to memory as quickly as possible.

Eventually, they had their tea, and the silence started to set in. Between sips, Akaashi would try to figure out how to say what he wanted to say. But he thought it was all too bold. So he told her a little about his life, his work, and his friends and she did the same, returning statements in a unique fashion about her life. Her word choice was special, calculated even. She was like him in another way that mattered, a calculated, intentional way of speaking.

She could always make him yearn to be a little more considerate of his words. Until she managed to pry them out of him.

“So why am I here?” She stirs a little more sugar into her tea, then pauses from drinking her tea to take a sip of her water.

“I want one of your journals.”

She laughs before realizing he’s entirely serious, “How do you even know that I have any journals to lend to you? For all you know, I could be living a journal-less life.” She waves her small stirring spoon around, before putting it into her mouth.

“I can’t explain it, but I know you have journals. Only someone with a journal of their own would be so obsessed with another’s.” Akaashi takes the spoon from her mouth and uses it to stir some sugar into his tea. Her mouth gapes for a moment while he smirks, looking right into her intelligent eyes.

The next day they have tea again, and she gives him one of her journals from high school.

“Don’t read it all in one go.” She pauses, “I don’t write nearly as well as you do, so don’t scrutinize my words the way you do all your mangakas’ words.”

Akaashi nods.

He read it all in one night. He calls her in the middle of said night.

“Who the hell is this Ito kid? When did you and he start talking? Just outta nowhere he pops up at the end of your last entry. Where’s the careful recollection of all your interactions with him?” Akaashi is exasperated, running his hand through his hair. He disagreed with what she said about her writing.

She was compelling and interesting, and she most definitely had his heart. Her high school experience had been so different from his, and she seemed to be much more optimistic about life than he was. Despite her calling him a realist, he believed that in comparison to her, he was a total pessimist.

She explained to him about Ito, and that he was a short-lived crush she had had at the end of her second year in high school. Akaashi was glad when she said she didn’t even talk to him anymore. Based on the way she had written about him, Akaashi thought that Ito would be the love of her life, and Akaashi was slowly realizing maybe his heart was in the process of making her the love of his life.

“When do I get the next journal?” Akaashi wanted to keep talking to her despite the lateness of the hour.

“You don’t. I told you to pace yourself, I only have one of yours so you’re only getting one of mine.” She was lying on her stomach on her bed, slightly kicking her feet while talking to Akaashi.

Akaashi groans but tells her he’ll return the journal next week when he can have another long lunch break. She says she’ll be there.

Akaashi recalls when he remembered his diary was lost.

It had been a long day at work, and he wanted nothing more than to go home. His mom hadn’t remembered his apartment address, so she sent one of his old journals to his work office. He put it into his satchel and made his way home.

On the train, there had been a slight jostling. And Akaashi hadn’t noticed the journal falling out of his bag and under his seat.

When he exited the train, she had gotten onto it. She sat down in the same seat he had. Right when Akaashi started walking to the stairs to exit the station, she reached down under the seat to stow away her bag, only to be met with a rough material. And for a moment, if they had just turned around, their eyes would’ve met right as the train pulled away.

When he finally got home, he unpacked his bag, looking to put away his journal safely into a box with other memorabilia from high school. When he dumped his bag upside down, shaking everything out, he just couldn’t find his journal. When going home from work the next day, he had asked all the employees if they had seen a leatherbound notebook. None turned up.

If there ever was a moment that could’ve changed the future, that was what it would’ve been. If the train hadn’t jostled. If Akaashi Keiji hadn’t been tired from work and forgot to check for the journal on his way out of the station. If she hadn’t sat right where he had been sitting, and most definitely, if she didn’t love a good book, then it all would’ve turned out differently.

But that’s not the story that’s being told. The story being told is of Akaashi Keiji realizing that to love someone, you have to accept that they may know you better than you know yourself.

It had been six months, and she was close to finishing the journal. Somedays she didn’t read at all, others she read three entries and wanted to binge the rest of the diary.

They went for tea every single week. Sometimes twice. Then other times, he would take her around Tokyo to go exploring. They went to every museum, every library, every cafe that specialized in tea. He figured that they ought to be on an even playing field when it came to how well they knew each other, so instead of getting more journals from her, they traded lists of their top one hundred favorite books.

She had put three Haruki Murakami books on her list and Akaashi wanted to hold her face in his hands and kiss her.

But they were just friends. Friends who knew each other better than Akaashi was comfortable with. She knew what he would order before he said it, and he knew what she was going to comment before she stated it. When she asked him about his experience with failure, he knew that she had gotten in too deep.

She knew more about him than he expected her to, she knew all about the silly things that rattled around in his brain, and although it had been a journal from high school, he knew that people stayed pretty similar throughout life. So when she looked at him, she didn’t just see professional editor Akaashi Keiji, she saw a teenager who wondered what place he had in the world as well. She saw him as acne-ridden and languid with life. He wanted to control her perspective of him and he couldn’t do that now, because she had the key to his past and the map of his future.

So he tried to put some space between them. Just in case. Maybe it was a horrible tendency to overthink, no, he knew it was his horrible overthinking tendency. There were so many ways their relationship could go. He could completely crush her, to be completely crushed himself in turn.

Walking the edge of a knife with her. Balancing on the blade of friendship, if he fell onto one side, with no cuts, then they could have a happy relationship. If he cut himself on that blade, then the worst-case scenario would be that she realizes she doesn’t like him back and then there’s just someone who knows him too well out in the world.

When he hadn’t texted her in four weeks and her messages were left on read, she decided to finish the journal and be done with it. Their time as friends was short-lived she thought. She thought there may have been something more for the pair of them. And suddenly all the depressing love songs became about him. Which made her resentful, because who ruins ‘Iris’ by The Goo Goo Dolls like that for someone? DATE: XX-XX-14 TITLE: Quatervois; A Crossroads

I graduated today. I went through that book of fancy words Mom gave me and stumbled across this one. Quatervois, a crossroads. Does this count as a crossroads?

The magazine I want to work for said I could have an internship while I attend college. An internship in the manga editing department. Was I not good enough for the literature department? Is it because of my age? I think my essay and grades were good enough to at least qualify me for a chance to interview in that department. But they only let me interview for the editing department.

Does that make me a career failure? I like the magazine, but I’m not sold on the department they want me to go into.

Washio called me to congratulate me, he said that I was finally crossing over into the real world. I’m pretty sure I’ve been living in the real world for as long as I’ve been alive, but Washio made it seem like things would be so different for me. I digress.

When nothing seems straightforward, and you come to a fork in the road and you have two options that you can’t see down, how do you choose which road to go down? The one lined with flowers, or the one with a dirt path that could eventually have something more alluring at the end.

- A.K.

On the penultimate page of the journal was a glued-down picture of Akaashi wearing his graduation suit, and holding his graduation scroll, his parents stood on either side of him grinning proudly at their only child. Maybe she should’ve checked the book from the last page and then started reading the front. But she didn’t want spoilers, that’s why she never checked the second to last page.

She texted Akaashi and said she finished the journal and was ready to return it. When he didn’t respond, but had read the message, she texted Bokuto asking for some clarification. She asked if Akaashi had said anything about her that would’ve indicated why he was mad. Bokuto just said that Akaashi wasn’t mad at all. So now she was confused. If he wasn’t upset, then why was he ignoring her?

Instead of going to their tea place, she goes to his office during lunch. She scans the buttons, looking for his department.

“Hey diary thief, whatcha doing here?” A shorter guy with shaggy black hair and a hoodie with a denim jacket over it comes around to her and presses the elevator button.

“Are you going to the Manga Editing Department?” She checked before entering the elevator with the shaggy-haired guy, who had introduced himself as Udai Tenma, but she could just call him Tenma. He confirms and then doubly checks her identity as the same person Akaashi had been talking about and spending all his lunch breaks with.

“It’s funny that you know about the journal, I came here to return it finally. Probably much to Akaashi’s delight.” She adjusts her bag across her shoulders, giving a short sigh.

“No, Akaashi loves that you have his journal. At first, he was a little annoyed, but now it’s kinda like you have a little piece of him all the time. I told him just to get you a necklace with his name on it, but noooooo Udai I can’t do that because I’d essentially be confessing if I did something like that.” Udai did a brilliant imitation of Akaashi, even going as far as to push his shoulders back to make him seem taller and with a broader build.

Udai turned slowly to face her, eyes wide and jaw dropped, “Please pretend I don’t exist, I never said anything about Akaashi’s undying love,” He froze, “Also ignore what I just said.”

Udai got out of the elevator on the floor below the editing department. She could hear him start to criticize himself and say he owes Akaashi so many more favors and solids now.

She walked through the office, lightly admiring all the manga panels, all the stories that had come out of this building astounded her, it had been a while since she last read a manga, so she considered picking one up on her way out. Maybe she’d read the one written by Udai.

Then she sees him. Akaashi, with a pencil in one hand and an eraser in the other. His head is moving slightly, due to the music playing through his headphones she assumes. He fidgets in his chair, wiggling the seat around. Despite being angry at him, he was still adorable when he was engrossed in his work.

“You’re being childish.” She handed Akaashi the journal. Akaashi had to take off his headphones when he saw that his journal was being thrust into his face, he dropped his pencil and turned around only to be met with her. Even though she seemed to be upset with him, she still looked beautiful.

Akaashi looked confused, so she clarified, “Ghosting? Really? You could have just said you didn’t want to be friends.” Her tone is sharp and penetrating.

It wasn’t the being friends part, it was the part where he wanted her to be entirely his. An overwhelming desire to attach her to him in all senses. He swallows and takes the journal back. He wants to ask what her thoughts were, and what she came to understand about him. Yet, he knew she was upset with him. He would be upset with her too if she did what he had done.

He had completely blown his chance, hadn’t he? The one woman who had read the teenage journal and still wanted to be friends. Maybe her knowing more about him wouldn’t be too bad at all, maybe that’s exactly what he needed.

“I don’t want to be friends.” She starts to sniffle, she quickly runs the sleeve of her shirt onto her eyes. Akaashi rushed the next part out, “I can’t be just friends with you I’m afraid. I think I want more.”

She blinks rapidly before regaining composure and putting her hand on his shoulder. “I think you need to sort out your feelings. Because if you really wanted more, you wouldn’t have treated me like I was disposable. You wouldn’t have ignored me. So, figure it out, and let me know what the result is. You know where to find me.”

She rubs her thumb on his cheek in a parting gesture. He remembers when she did that for the first time, around three months ago. They were at a library he had found in a far corner of Tokyo, and he was talking about a book that Udai hadn’t understood at all, which made him irate that Udai could skim over such an important story. They were in their little section, with dim lights and a stack of books they wanted to talk about.

As he was waving his hands around, trying to show her the pages and lines he was referencing in the book, when she reached over and brushed her thumb against his cheek, the rest of her fingers resting along his jaw and lower cheek. Her palm barely contacts his chin.

“You had a little mark there. But I think it’s just a cute little freckle, it won’t wipe off.” She brushes against his skin again, and when the mark doesn’t disappear, she leans back into her chair, waiting for Akaashi to begin again. When he starts talking again about the book, he keeps stumbling and stuttering over his words.

She gave a small wave before leaving his office space. Akaashi's co-workers just turned their heads to watch her exit, heads sticking out of cubicles, and then in a blink, they all turned to face Akaashi with disappointed faces, shaking their heads and clicking their tongues. Then, they went back to work and Akaashi was sitting at his desk with his journal brazenly staring at him.

He had one chance to make it right. So he set aside Udai’s manga draft, knowing he could go through it in less than an hour, and he picked up his pencil, writing one more entry in his journal.

He can only wait a week before giving it to her when he shows up to her apartment unannounced. Miwa opens the door and rolls her eyes, but letting him in.

“I gotta run and get some new specialty scissors. I’m not afraid to use them in an unintended use if I get back and she’s crying.” Miwa motions her fingers from her eyes to his. Akaashi gives her a thumbs up.

When she comes out of her room, she inspects him on the couch, he’s holding his journal.

“Read the last page for me. It’s an extended edition.” He jokes somewhat. She sits next to him and reads his ‘extended edition’. DATE: XX-XX-XX TITLE: Micawber; An Eternal Optimist

I was stupid. Believe me, I know I was a whole idiot and a half.

Here’s to giving up realism and embracing optimism.

You knew who I was before I knew you. I was scared that you would know too much. That’s hilarious, right? I wanted you to know me, and yet there I was completely afraid to let you get too close, but you were already close. It’s not just what words were contained here, although I re-read my journal and there are definitely some things I should’ve self-censored.

You were what made the entire difference. Your ability to perceive me as a whole rather than a sum of my parts was the distinction that was made.

With you, I truly am a protagonist. Not a side character anymore, but the main character who shares the limelight with his love interest. Although, I have a distinct feeling that you may be more of a main character than me. But, I know you’d say you digress.

In your journal, you mentioned once how you believed that a good story can compel you to be changed. How characters drive a real tangible change in a person. Did I do that for you? At least a little bit? I know I was changed when I read your story, I realized that maybe I liked you a little more than just liking you.

Please don’t think I am mean. I was cruel, rude, and inconsiderate to you. Ghosting for more than a month because I was worried is likely going down in my personal history as the worst thing I’ve ever done to you. But I’m dedicated to never doing anything bad to you ever again. I’ll never hurt you, and I’ll never lie.

I’m optimistic that you like me a little. Maybe even a little more than like.

So, tell me why I still feel worried. Is this feeling even worried? Or is this what love feels like? The desperation to not hurt you in any way. The pang of knowing that I am myself with you. And, yes, the physical magnetism that makes me feel just a little more like a teenager when I am with you.

I think this feeling is love. I just think it’s so overwhelming that I ended up making it into a negative emotion instead of what it is.

I’m sorry. Forgive me or I really won’t know what to do with all these feelings that flit around in my heart for you.

I love you.

- Yours, Akaashi Keiji

She knew he was watching her. She had her nose in his journal, reading what he had written for her.

“Can you get me a tissue?” Akaashi handed her one. He was ready to say his goodbyes.

When she closes the journal, he looks at her with curious eyes. She smiles.

“Best book ever.”

He grabs her by the back of her head and kisses her. She held his face in her hands, tilting her head slightly and he hummed into her mouth. His nose was cold on her face, but the warmth of his mouth contrasted with the frostiness. His other hand grips her hip, trying to pull her closer to him. Despite them being already so close, he wanted her to envelop him.

Then he was pressing her down onto her couch, both hands on her hips. When she wrapped a leg around his waist he thought his heart was going to jump out of his chest. Her head was on the arm of the couch, and he had moved from her mouth to the side of her face to her neck, to right above her bra, leaving a trail of his making. He was glad she was wearing a low-cut top because it made it easier for him to pull the shirt down so he could reach more of her skin.

In contrast to him, she felt soft and pliable. She also felt wholly his in this moment.

Her hands were in his hair, pulling the strands in a mellow methodology, not wanting to hurt him almost. She wanted his hair just a little longer, but the short hair tickled her neck, so she was happy with the length it was currently.

The top of her chest was creamy and supple. He let his tongue brush out once, twice, before going back up to kiss her again. He licked at her bottom lip, and she opened her mouth just enough for him to run his tongue into it for a moment, before biting at her bottom lip in thanks.

“You taste like sugar.” He was hot in the face and had some hair sticking to his forehead. She pushed his bangs back tenderly, his chest was still rapidly moving up and down trying to catch his breath. He went in for another kiss, still short of breath, so she had to intervene.

“Slow down loverboy, you need to breathe, or else you can’t keep going.” She laughs a little and he can feel the way her body carries the laugh from her chest to her stomach. She moves in close to his ear, “And that would be a zero-sum game for us both.”

He nods, and she draws his head down to rest on her chest.

“Is this better or worse than that fantasy you had about making out with a girl in the backseat of a car?” She recalls one of his entries from his journal.

He rubs his face against her, inhaling deeply. “This is way better. But we’re still gonna kiss in the back of my jeep, and soon at that.”

She hums a little in response.

The next year, Akaashi and her moved in together, Miwa was glad because now she could finally walk around her apartment without clothes on (despite her doing that when they were roommates anyway). Bokuto was glad to see that Akaashi finally had someone to read his confusing books and that he didn’t have to read another one ever again. Udai would occasionally make a joke about if it didn’t work out with Akaashi she had a place in his awaiting arms. Akaashi threatened to work for another manga magazine and Udai would be stuck using only Grammarly. That usually shut Udai up pretty quickly.

They both kept detailed journals. And when they finished them, they would let the other read them. Akaashi let her read all his past journals as well, and she let him read her diaries.

Maybe love isn’t what you expected at first, maybe it's not even a feeling you want to feel at that moment, or for that person. But love works out for the best in the end. Whether that’s with a best friend, a lover, a child, or even a book.

For Akaashi Keiji, love meant letting someone know him better than he knew himself. It also meant being okay with letting her read his diary.

[starbvrr]

𝑅𝑒𝑝𝑢𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠 

bokuto koutarou x akaashi keiji

𝑇𝘩𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑠𝘩𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑎 𝑚𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝘩𝑖𝑔𝘩 𝑠𝑐𝘩𝑜𝑜𝑙 𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑦. 𝐴𝑘𝑎𝑎𝑠𝘩𝑖 𝑤𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑜𝑓𝑓 𝑡𝑜 𝑝𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑢𝑒 𝑤𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝘩𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑜 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐵𝑜𝑘𝑢𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑖𝑑 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑒. 𝐴𝑛 𝑢𝑛𝑠𝑝𝑜𝑘𝑒𝑛 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑚𝑖𝑠𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑠𝘩𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑏𝑒𝑡𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑡𝑜 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑎𝑐𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑙𝑒𝑑𝑔𝑒 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑡𝘩𝑒𝑦 𝘩𝑎𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑒𝑎𝑐𝘩 𝑜𝑡𝘩𝑒𝑟.

warnings : CONTAINS SPOILERS, internalized homophobia and implied/reference to homophobia.

Akaashi  hates the power that Kotaro has over him. After so many years he still thinks of him and yearns for his touch. He couldn’t hate him though, how could he? Bokuto had no knowledge of this of course. Akaashi made sure to cut off all contact with Bokuto after he graduated highschool. He ignored the text and when his friends would bring him up he would simply brush it off. He couldn’t be mad for something that he chose to do.

It’s the summer before Bokuto leaves for college. They both avoided the ‘talk’ about their relationship and what would happen now. Bokuto breaks the silence

“Kaashi promise me something.” Bokuto stares at akaashi.

“What Ko?” akaashi turns to face bokuto on the bed.

“Promise me nothing will change, promise me that you’ll always be by my side.” Bokuto brings akaashi closer to him.

Akaashi knew he couldn’t promise Bokuto that. He knew that things were bound to change. But with the way Bokuto was looking at him, he couldn’t deny him. “I promise nothing will change Bo.” he leans in and gives Bokuto a kiss.

It was a lie. He shouldn’t have promised him that. He wants to believe that a part of him and Bokuto knew that things were going to change. For christ sake they never even established a relationship. They were best friends who also went on dates, kissed, held hands, and did what lovers do. But they both hid it, scared of what people would say. Bokuto wanted to tell people and shout from the top of the world that he loved Akaashi. But he wouldn’t allow it, how could he. He saw the way that Bokuto would let go of his hand in public or how he would move his hand away when he would try and grab it.

The first time he realized it was when he thought that it was only him and Bokuto left in the gym cleaning. He went into the ballroom and went to give Bokuto a kiss. “ Hey guys, did you want to WOAH?!” Konoha quickly covers his eyes and turns around. Bokuto quickly removes his hands from Akaashis waist and takes steps away from him.

“Hey , hey , hey Konoha I thought you went home?” Bokuto says walking towards Konoha.

“Um, yeah no I forgot my bag in the gym and came back to ask if you guys wanted to go get ramen.” Konoha scratches the back of his neck.

Akaashi was stuck in his place. This was the first time that they were ever caught, by someone they knew. Akaashi was always careful making sure that no one would know. This was something special between him and Bokuto.

“My moms waiting for me at home, but we can get some on Friday.” Bokuto puts his arm around Konoha and gives him a big smile. He turns back to Akaashi giving him a nod to head home.

He wasn’t going to lie but he was hurt. He just remembered how quickly bokuto pushed himself away from him. Was he ashamed of him? Was he just using him? Is it because he wasn’t good enough? Akaashi spiraled onto the reasons why bokuto acted the way he did. The one thought that stung the most was that Bokuto didn’t love him anymore. Akaashi  quickly grabbed his bag and rushed out of the gym. He shouldn’t be upset. He didn’t have the right to be upset, he was the one that told Bokuto that they shouldn't tell anyone. Akaashi didn’t realize that there were tears already streaming down his face. He stopped in front of his house. This was usually when Bokuto would kiss him goodnight. That was when he knew that it wasn’t just him anymore.

Akaashi sighed. He stares at the picture of him and Bokuto which was taken at Bokuto’s graduation. He grabs the photo and places it down on his desk. Akaashi didn’t want to go to the game today. He’s avoided him for years, and has to face him. All the years and effort he put into it… gone. He rubs his hands on his face, wondering if  there was a way that he could get out of it.  He could say that he came down with something or that he has a deadline that he had forgotten about. But he knows that it won’t do any good. Tenma had invited him along with Kenma, he knows that they’ll be suspicious if he suddenly tells them that he can't go. Maybe he can pretend that nothing ever happened . He can forget the nights they shared together, the way his lips felt, his arms around his, his touch, and all the memories. He’s kidding himself. He couldn’t do that, no matter how hard he tried.

He decides to go, a part of him wants to see bokuto again. He wonders if Bokuto thinks about him as much as he thinks about him. He gets onto the train to the stadium. He wonders how much Bokuto has changed since he last saw him. Maybe him going to the game would spark something and rekindle their broken relationship.

“Akaashi, why can’t you understand it wasn’t like that?” Bokuto rubs his temples in frustration.

“It wasn’t? Really? It’s not like you took Yukie to dinner with your parents?” Akaashi throws his hands in the air. This is what he canceled their date for?

“So, what is it then? Why is it that Yukie is with your parents at dinner? Are you affectionate with her ? That’s what you canceled our date for?” Akaashi raised his voice.

Bokuto looks to the side and sighs. “You want to know the truth. I’m not out to my parents and i’m pretty sure that they’re fucking homophobic. Yukie knows that and when my parents ask if I'm in a relationship, she usually covers for me and takes my ‘girlfriends’ place saying that she can’t make it.”

Akaashi looks at Bokuto in disbelief. Why wouldn’t he share this with him?

“Bokuto I, I didn’t know” Akaashi reaches out to him.

“Don’t, Don’t look at me like that. This is exactly why I don’t tell people. Especially why I didn’t want to tell you. I’m supposed to be the son that does volleyball, gets a good house, and after college goes pro. Then after that I'm supposed to settle down with a wife and kids. Live in a nice house and that's not what I want.”

“I'm pretty sure that my mom knows. But I know what I want and I know what I'm going to work for. And in my future you’re in it.” Bokuto looks up at Akaashi, tears welling up in his eyes. Akaashi pulls Bokuto into a hug, that’s how they end their night. Cuddling in Akaashi’s room and Akaashi reassuring him that everything will be alright.

They both had reputations, Akaashi was the smart and quiet volleyball player who would make it far after highschool. While Bokuto was the social, loud, and future pro-volleyball player who has a bright future ahead of him. From what everyone says they were best friends, and the quiet one was the one who kept the energetic one in check. No one would’ve guessed that it was anything more than that, he wished people knew more now.

“Akaashi.”

He was brought out of his trance and turned and saw that it was Kenma.

“Oh. Hello, Kenma, how've you been?”

He just nods his head, “Good, have you talked to Kuroo or Bokuto recently?”

Akaashi feels like there’s something stuck in his throat. “Oh no, I haven't.”

Kenma hums and goes to his seat. Akaashi makes his way towards Tenma.

“Akaashi, I’m so glad that you came!” Tenma smiles at him.

“Ah, thank you for inviting me.” Akaashi bows his head.

“No, No , don’t it’s fine.”

Akaashi looks at the court and sees him. The one person he’s been avoiding for the past couple of years. He feels a weight on his chest. He looks just like he did in highschool, even more ethereal. He remembers when he told him that he didn’t plan on continuing volleyball after highschool.

“What?” Bokuto misses the set that Akaashi set for him.

“I- yeah . I thought you would’ve known.” Akaashi shrugs like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“But Kaashi, it's supposed to be us against the world.” Bokuto pouts.

“I know Ko, It would be nice but i think that we both know that I wouldn’t make it far.” Akaashi says while fidgeting with his fingers.

Bokuto grasps akaashi’s hand. Holding them so gently scared that if he doesn’t he’ll break,“Keiji, don’t say that. You’re an amazing setter, you’re my setter. I know you and I know that you can do amazing things.We are the protagonists of the world remember”

Akaashi looks up at Bokuto like he’s the one who hung up the stars. No one in his life has ever made him feel this special. He never thought someone would ever love him as much as he has loved others. Akaashi looks down at their intertwined hands and backs up at Bokuto.

“Thank you Kōtarō,” Akaashi gives him the brightest smile.

Akaashi looks back down at the court and is hit with a wave of reality. He’s down there, but with someone else. Hands wrapped around the other. Smile so big, something that he couldn’t give him. He remembers why he was so persistent to not be open about their relationship. He didn’t want to disappoint him, he didn’t deserve that. He knew that it was a mistake to come to the game. He should’ve listened to his gut feeling to not go to the game, to close off all contact and remove himself from who he was in highschool. Just like the ballroom incident he let his guard down. He excuses himself and makes his way towards the exit.

Little did Akaashi know that Bokuto was watching him leave, praying and hoping that the universe would bring him back. He’s waited years for him to walk back into his life and in less than five minutes he’s lost it.

His partner squeezes his hand and stares at where Bokuto was staring at. “What’s wrong Ko?” they ask.

Ko, the name sounds weird when it's not coming out of Akaashi’s mouth. He wanted to reach out and see Akaashi again and ask what happened but he seemed to disappear into thin air.

He puts on his biggest smile “It’s nothing, just thought I saw someone from highschool.”  

His partner seems to buy it and continues to talk to Hinata. He’s used to putting on a fake smile to make sure his partner doesn’t catch on. It’s not fair to his partner to be used to filling the hole that Akaashi left, but it’s also not fair for Akaashi to have this type of control over him. Yet they both subconsciously know that they can never go back to what they had. Akaashi’s a well known editor and Bokuto is the outside hitter for the Black Jackals.

No matter how badly they wanted to be together, they both had reputations .

[kaen-ace-of-diamonds]

Justice and Duty

Word Count: 3000 (oneshot)

[AO3]

Genre: Crime/Angst

Characters: Hinata Shouyou, Udai Tenma, various Karasuno characters

Summary: Udai Tenma was the legendary heir to a yakuza clan: cold-blooded, terrifying, and everything that new recruit Hinata Shouyou wanted to be. Now, Tenma is going straight, abandoning home and family, and destroying any chance his juniors have of being acknowledged by their hero. Shouyou is having none of it.

Warnings for gang violence, murder, possessive behavior, and brief harm to children.

Written for the HQ Black and Blue zine

~0~

People didn’t like to look Hinata Shouyou in the eyes. 

They noticed him, of course, despite how small and slight he was next to his much bigger brothers, but then they very quickly wished that they hadn’t. They tried to pretend that they hadn’t, but they still couldn’t get him out of their heads. 

There was an energy around him, a danger, like a live wire. Getting near him felt like creeping towards some wild thing on a frayed tether: those who hadn’t seen him in action felt their skin tingle and their guts start to swim without knowing exactly why. Those who had seen what happened when the tether snapped never forgot it.

Only the truly strong or the truly stupid had no fear of being caught in his line of sight, more terrifying than staring down the barrel of a gun. While once they had been a light, possibly even warm and friendly brown, now the light caught them and turned them amber. They were bright, too bright, always a bit too wide, and his perpetual smiles never quite reached them. Nobody could ever recall seeing him blink.

Likewise, nobody would peg Shouyou as being used for protecting people instead of destroying them. Which was exactly why the head of the Udai family was sending him to Tokyo to do just that.

Shouyou had met Udai Tenma fist-first. 

It was his own damn fault; he’d been a pretty dumb thirteen-year-old. He’d known since he was little that there was something shady going on in that little electronics store; there had to be a reason his mother would always cross the street to avoid it, after all. It was a too-ordinary place on a too-ordinary road, whose interior was blocked by the assortment of TVs in the front window, all playing different sports, where plenty of men went in and out but never seemed to buy anything. 

He’d been curious. He’d wanted in. And so he’d been skulking around the back, looking for a vent, a basement window, a glimpse of something that had not been his to see yet. Tenma moved on cat’s feet, but it was still amazing that Shouyou hadn’t realized he was there until he was being yanked bodily around by his unbuttoned uniform shirt and punched square in the jaw.

The blow rattled his skull and knocked him off his feet, straight into the trash cans against the back wall. Dazed, he’d looked up expecting to see a hulking beast of a gangster. Instead, he’d seen an older boy who looked a lot like him: only a couple inches taller, hair short and spiky over his round face. He certainly hadn’t been smiling, though.

“Who are you? What do you want with my father’s business?”

Tenma’s dark eyes had burned, and the growl of his voice had sent shivers down Shouyou’s spine. It had brought a grin to his face, despite the blood gushing from his smashed nose.

“To help out with it, actually.”

~0~

Shouyou wasn’t sure yet whether or not he liked Tokyo. 

It could just be the weather. Winters in the city were decidedly unpleasant, cold and full of freezing rain. But he knew he was kidding himself if he thought it was really something that minor. 

Being cut off from his brothers and boss was bad, no two ways about it. Nobody here knew who he was, though their eyes still flicked away if they chanced to meet his own: they knew they didn’t want to look any deeper or see any more of him. He would take his scraps of pride where he could get them, he supposed. And then there was the near-complete lack of things to do...

No. No, not quite. He had a job to do, like it or not.

Tenma was the worst part of Tokyo. 

He followed in the footsteps of his favorite brother, just like always. But Tenma would never see him, never acknowledge him again, and that was the hardest pill he had ever had to swallow. 

In the dusk, in the rain, Shouyou stalked down the sidewalk, black raincoat covering his suit. His hood did the job for now, but he was starting to amass quite the collection of hats to hide his telltale orange hair. If Tenma realized that he was here and what was really going on, Boss Udai would have his fingers. 

The rain fell on Tenma’s thick mane of black hair. He never used to let his hair grow out. Shouyou almost hadn’t recognized him when he first tracked him down here. But he could never mistake his brother’s face. Just couldn’t understand it.

Why, after everything they’ve been through together, was he reduced to still chasing Tenma’s back? Never to meet him, let alone surpass him?

His beloved brother was becoming a different person; the long hair wasn’t the half of it. Instead of a box cutter or lead pipe in his hand, there was an increasingly well-worn leather portfolio. He spoke unfailingly politely to everyone, instead of simply demanding what his bloodline entitled him to. Whoever he was speaking to on his new cell phone, Shouyou didn’t know them; he had not only his father but every one of his old friends and younger brothers blocked.

Sometimes he wanted to run up behind Tenma, grab his shoulders and shake him, demanding to know, What did I do wrong? Why did you leave me behind?

As far as Shouyou was concerned, the organization and himself were interchangeable. Tenma might say differently, were Shouyou selfish enough to actually confront him, but Shouyou made no mistake: it was very personal.

~0~

Tenma had been impressed with him: not by his brazenness, but by the surprising maturity with which he carried out the sharing of sake, first with Tenma’s father and then with Tenma himself. The fact that he had worn his broken nose like a badge of honor, he tells Shouyou later, certainly helps. As does the fact that Shouyou will do anything to follow him. 

Tenma directs him to collect protection money from bars and restaurants? He does it quickly and efficiently; despite his size, the weight of the Udai family behind him means everyone takes him seriously.

Teaches him through a school of hard knocks how to fight, with fists and blades? He’s a wildly eager learner.

Orders him to hunt down one stubborn shop owner who thinks he can refuse them their due, and remind him otherwise? However — and with whatever — he likes? 

Oh, he’ll do it. Happily. 

“Aniki,” Daichi remarks one night, “you should be proud of yourself.”

Five of them are gathered in Sugawara’s chilly but clean-smelling basement, watching Suga’s needle patiently poking the last sections of a samurai on Daichi’s back. Shouyou sits in the corner, playing Oicho-Kabu with Nishinoya and hoping that the lighter flipping around in their resident arsonist’s free hand won’t send their card game up in flames. Their jackets are off, and Shouyou’s bare skin itches for a needle in it too, to make him match his proudly decorated brothers.

Tenma sits cross-legged between each pair, his back straight and expression stoic, save for the single eyebrow raised at Daichi’s remark.

“Oh? What for?”

Daichi’s smile is tense (the traditional tattooing process is slow and painful) but genuine. 

“The way you’ve trained Hinata. I overheard some of those street thugs complaining about him downtown. Apparently they’re the friends of that guy whose arms Hinata broke. They’d love to get revenge, but they’re too afraid of him to try on their own. And if they brought more of their friends in to overwhelm him, then you would be after them, and nobody wants that.”

Sugawara doesn’t take his eyes off his work, but gives a slow nod of approval. Nishinoya snickers, still flipping the lighter in his hand, the spinning circle of flame gleaming eerily off his grin. 

“I’d like to see that little bastard try and pull a knife in one of our pachinko halls again!” he crows. “Must be hard, with your bones sticking out!”

Shouyou tries not to preen at that, but Daichi snorts anyway. “See what I mean, aniki?”

A smirk plays on Tenma’s lips as he looks over at his youngest brother, like a king regarding his heir.

“So I might’ve created a monster then, huh?” 

Shouyou holds his head a little higher, and the glint of satisfaction in Tenma’s eyes feels like a lighter flicking on deep in his chest.

“I think I like that.”

~0~

He kept his head up high now. Ears pricked, like a dog on the watch for predators. Tenma was young, and he might be trying to go straight, but he’d been in the business long enough to build up a reputation to beat, and to make plenty of enemies.

It didn’t take him long to catch sight of some. They wore matching suits — sharp, but ill-fitting on their brawny frames — and dark sunglasses, and their hair was slicked heavily back. They strode down the street like they owned it, and maybe around here, they did. But Shouyou was here now, and the usual rules didn’t apply to him. No matter what opposing group they belonged to, he wouldn’t let them do as they pleased. 

Shouyou watched the men’s hands more than any other part of them: the way they drifted towards pockets and waistbands as they followed Tenma, too. Clearly the threat of Boss Udai’s retaliation if his son was harmed mattered less to them than paying Tenma back for however he’d offended them. And they certainly didn’t give a damn who was on the other end of his phone call to hear them, when they finally reached him.

If they reached him. 

With the rain still falling and night slowly coming on, none of them noticed the others as they made their way off the streets proper down to the path by the river. It was quiet; their footsteps made no sound. The streetlights were few and far between. And they were alone there, entirely alone. 

Shouyou had already been tensed to strike, an arrow in a bow pulled back as far as it would go. He watched, unblinking, letting the fire inside him build and build until it suffused his whole body. Maybe he was angry and resentful. Maybe he had a right to be, maybe he didn’t. But he was going to put it to good use now. 

The instant he saw a flash of metal emerging from one of those pockets, Shouyou was running, his sneakers soundless on the wet pavement. They were fifteen meters away from Tenma, but he had no doubt that with their bulk, they were one hundred percent capable of making that sprint. Though Tenma could react in time to counter them, probably even fight them off himself, that wasn’t the point. It was Shouyou’s responsibility to protect him.

Most of his brothers didn’t carry knives, viewing them as too big a liability in case the police caught them with it. (They were all willing to go to prison, but in service of their group, not out of their own carelessness.) Shouyou was just a little bit more reckless and he was glad of it now.

Five inches of stainless steel slid through the back of the bigger man’s neck, with the soft, quick sounds of tearing tissue and clicking vertebrae that Shouyou only heard because he’d been listening for them. Directly through the cervical section of the spine, enough to paralyze him from the neck down with one quick and clean stab. It was a high part of the body to reach, but Shouyou sure could jump when he put his mind to it.

The man dropped to the pavement like a wet sack of skin, and his buddy, to his credit, reacted well. He pulled his weapon so quickly it seemed to just materialize in his hand, and if his nerve were just a bit steelier, he might have actually landed a blow on his attacker. He might have, if he hadn’t had the bad luck to look straight into Shouyou’s eyes.

He was never sure, exactly, what everybody seemed to see there. But whatever it was, it was an icy part of him, a part not quite human, and it froze anyone in his gaze to the bone. Like realizing the moment of your own death. For once, he wasn’t smiling, and he didn’t know whether that enhanced or lessened the effect. Then again, he didn’t exactly care.

The man only froze for a second, maybe less. It was more than enough. Shouyou wasn’t afraid of the claw hammer in his meaty hand, not one bit. The sight of it, and the thought of what it was meant to do to Tenma, were like alcohol thrown on a fire. His fury renewed, Shouyou lunged, underneath the faltering swing of the hammer at his temple. 

He had never felt his hand move so fast before in his life. Splashes of red seemed to appear on their own, all over the front of the man’s white dress shirt, in a matter of moments. To finish up, Shouyou put all the strength in his small, slight body behind burying the knife up to the hilt in his sternum and twisting it hard. 

The man’s eyes bulged behind his sunglasses, and dark blood dripped over his lip. He might have made a choked gurgling sound, but the blade Shouyou left stuck there made that impossible. He lunged like a wounded animal, frightened and wild, and Shouyou crouched down, lifting his hands. It was one of the first things Tenma had taught him about hand-to-hand combat: no matter how big his opponent was, he could always win if he used their weight against them, in exactly the right way. 

So with a twist of the arm and a mighty push upward between the hips, Shouyou hurled the man over his own head and into the water. His death throes propelled him for a few seconds, his hands flailing for the edge and his chin jerking breathlessly up above the surface. 

Shouyou looked down on him with an expression of flat disgust. With one decisive kick in the face, he sent him under the water for good. He turned to the first man — still immobile on the ground, face bone-white and tongue twitching, unable to make a sound from shock — and with his other foot pushed him into the river, too. He, at least, wouldn’t be trying to swim. 

He was incredibly thankful for the rain, so torrential it drowned out all the sounds and washed away all the blood, both on the path and on Shouyou’s hands. He started up a nearby stone staircase back up to the street, where he could watch Tenma from a less conspicuous vantage point, pulling his hood back up over his head.

Tenma seemed to be done with his call, and if he had noticed anything amiss, he hadn’t let on, his attention devoted instead to shielding his phone and portfolio inside his jacket. The water plastered his hair down and ran in rivulets down his face and the side of his neck, making the large bandage stuck on the latter peel at the corners. Shouyou knew that it hid not a wound, but the tail of the great black dragon tattoo that dominated Tenma’s chest.

It still stung to see such a beautiful thing covered up in such a way, as if it was shameful. As if the men he had once called brothers were shameful things as well. Shouyou hadn’t cried since he was a small child, but...it had made his chest seize up something awful the first time he’d realized it.

Aniki...do you really understand what you’ve done? How you’ve hurt us?

Tenma was in his own world now. A world that not just didn’t include Shouyou, but that actively shut him out. He wanted to surpass his brother one day, to be acknowledged by him; he had never been satisfied with simply chasing Tenma’s back. But now it seemed that that would be the rest of his life.

Aniki...

He could hear his heartbeat thumping in his ears. He could feel the resentment and hurt like red-hot needles, along every line of the dark tattoos he now boasted on his torso. He could give in to the urge: run back down there himself, take his brother down now that his skills were rusty, with nothing but his fists, force him to come back and — and —

Aniki!

Just before passing under the bridge, Tenma stopped, as if hearing his thoughts, or just finally sensing the eyes on him. He looked around: suspicious at first, then puzzled when his gaze landed on Shouyou. They were too far away for Tenma to recognize him, especially with the hood obscuring his face, but Shouyou could see Tenma’s face clearly. He hadn’t looked directly into his eyes since before he had left for the city.

What he saw in them drained him dry of his fury. They still burned, but with passion instead of ferocity. They were brighter, stronger...full of life and pride. 

(His opposite. Naturally.)

Shouyou realized with a jolt that he had never seen his brother like this before. Maybe...he had never really seen him at all.

...Well. There was no point in standing around and staring until his cover was blown; Tenma wasn’t stupid, after all. Shouyou turned and hurried the rest of the way up the stairs, and watched Tenma shrug and move on from a better hidden vantage point on the street. At that moment, his phone buzzed in his coat pocket, and he was surprised to find his hands trembling as he pulled it out.

A text from Boss Udai: Hinata. How is he doing?

Shouyou’s thumb hovered over the phone for a moment, before typing a simple reply.

He’s happy.

[ao3feed-iwaoi]

Promise. Swear, Even

Read this masterpiece on AO3 at https://ift.tt/M0F7OsB

by Sammyscauldron

Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime met at five year old, children catching butterflies. They stayed by each other's side through their early adolescent years and the tumulous experiences of growing up.

Words: 26892, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of Haikyuu x PJO

Fandoms: Haikyuu!!, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru's Family, Iwaizumi Hajime, Iwaizumi Hajime's Family, Yaku Morisuke, Tanaka Saeko, Udai Tenma, Tsukishima Akiteru, Tsukishima Kei (mentioned) - Character, Yamaguchi Tadashi (mentioned), Bokuto Koutarou

Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru

Additional Tags: Developing Relationship, Relationship Study, Childhood Friends, Childhood Friends to Lovers, Iwaizumi Hajime is Bad at Feelings, Major Character Injury, Injury Recovery, Growing Up Together, Oikawa Tooru's Knee Injury, but not really, Falling In Love, Monsters, Physical Disability, Grief/Mourning, First Kiss, Coming Out, Slow Burn, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Some Fluff, Oranges

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/M0F7OsB

[kiarakarma]

HQ chapter 381

AKAAASHHHEEEE IS BACK!!!

TENMA'S HERE TOOOOO

MIYA TWINS ANGST

JUST ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE HAIKYUU!!!!!!!!!

[khlowx]

Whumptober ! (Haikyuu!!)

Prompt list by Angsy_Cheez-it on Wattpad.

English isn’t my first language sorry if there are mistakes. 

Warnings : Betrayal, slut shaming...

Day 6 : Betrayed. (Saeko/Tenma)

Saeko was not a really good student back in High School. Don’t get her wrong, she had good grades, didn’t bother any of her professors, but outside the classroom, she was a little different. Maybe it was because she hung out with boys most of the time, maybe it was her hairstyle or the pierced ears. No matter what it was, her female classmates weren’t nice to her. They made rumors, spread it like a virus and soon, nobody looked at her with respect. People were whispering on her way, behind her back, and some had the courage to actually ask her a few intrusive questions.

“- Is that true that you slept with  Udai, from the volleyball club ?” a boy yelled at her, one morning.

Tanaka never heard of him before, probably an underclassman. Blushing against her will, she sped up her walk and went to the locker of the only person that could give her answers.

“- Tsukishima Akiteru !” she growled in a hushed voice.

The blond jumped and turned to look at her, fear painted on his face. Before he could open his mouth, the girl continued her speech.

“- Why !? Why did you tell them ? I thought we were friends, for fuck’s sake ! Saeko whispered-shouted, quivering with wrath.

- What are you talking about ? I didn’t-

- That was me.” a loud voice cut off the assaulted.

Both turning to the source of it, the blond students discovered nobody but Udai Tenma, alias The Little Giant of Karasuno. The black-haired boy was standing with pride, his back to the wall, a foot bent under him. The smirk printed on his face made the teenager girl want to puke.

“- Be careful who you let inside your panties, Tanaka. You wouldn’t want the whole school to know that you’re such a slut.”

The corridor was crowded. All the persons present started to look at her, snickering for the older of them, happy to find out the truth about this story.

Akiteru pulled the humiliated girl by the arm, leading her away from the scene and from this…

“- Asshole ! He’s a complete bastard, don’t listen to him, Sae. In a few days, everyone will have forgot about that.

- He promised me, Aki. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Tears began to drench the third year’s cheeks, and when she lifted her gaze to look her friend in the eyes, the latter found his heart breaking at the sight.

“- I-I know. I’m so sorry.”

[nekomasteam]

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: M/M

Fandom: Haikyuu!!

Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Miya Osamu, Past Bokuaka

Characters: Akaashi Keiji, Miya Osamu, Bokuto Koutarou, Miya Atsumu, Kozume Kenma, Shirofuku Yukie, Kuroo Tetsurou, Suna Rintarou, Udai Tenma, Kita Shinsuke, Washio Tatsuki, Ojiro Aran, Sakusa Kiyoomi

Additional Tags: Fluff, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Idiots in Love, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, osamu and akaashi are two halves of a whole idiot, mentions of like every haikyuu ship possible, minor kuroken, mentions of - Freeform, Alcohol and Depression, Panic Attacks, Gay Panic, idk what else to say i just think OsaAka is neat

[hellobunny044]

Panels. | Series

An Original Haikyū AU Pairing “Udai Tenma” The Original Little Giant Of Karasuno High School

********************************************************

Summary

< panel. in manga art, panel refers to the frame that wraps around one moment in time on a manga page. >

Udai Tenma, a manga artist, currently doing well with his high-selling Zombie Knight Zomb’ish, is dealing with the stress of his looming deadlines and the demand from his task-focus, super perfectionist editor, Akaashi Keiji. During a meet and greet for his manga’s special edition, Udai bumped into his first love from high school, Sasaki Tsubasa. Memories of their past meet-ups start flooding back, and Udai begins to wonder if he has really moved on.

********************************************************

Chapter List

Panel - 1 “Crunching Pages, Unlocking Hearts”

Panel - 2 “Memory of An Encounter”

Panel - 3 “Scratches, Lines, Panels”

Panel - 4 “Ink Stained”

Panel - 5 “Reflection of The Unfinished Panel”

Panel - 6 “Smiles and Longing”

Panel - 7 “Contact”

Panel - 8 “Unreliable Man”

Panel - 9 “A Broken Wings and Awkward Glances”

Panel - 10 “Resurfaces”

Panel - 11 “First Love”

Panel - 12 “Wings”

Panel - 13 “Summer’s Spring: Volleyball, Manga, and Love”

Panel - 14 “Summer’s Spring: Volleyball, Manga, and Love part II”

Panel - 15 “Echoes of The Lost Love”

Panel - 16 “Reset”

Panel - 17 “Revisiting Old Flames and Rekindling Regrets”

Panel - 18 “A New Panel”

Panel - 19 “Unforgotten Regret”

Panel - 20 “Brand New Ending”

[caizen]

12:34 a.m. | akaashi k.

wc: 300+ | prfr

genre: angst | warnings: stress/anxiety

anon ordered: timeskip akaashi + angst + ☕️

a/n: here's your ☕ akaashi angst & thank you for ordering! i hope you like it<3

[12:34 a.m.] — akaashi keiji plans ahead of time.

he always keeps a schedule of all of his work. from editing udai's manga to the time he eats lunch. tenma's asked him to extend deadlines a lot that he already expects it and luckily enough, it isn't as much of a bother anymore though.

but keiji—he doesn't do well with last-minute plans because it overwhelms him, and that's when he begins to fall apart.

he starts to feel his system shake. his feet can't stay at one place, eyes darting to every corner in the room. his lungs and heart run races, and his fingers begin to scratch at any surface. it becomes uncontrollable and walking around or trying to sleep doesn't help him.

his solution? you.

(used to be.)

akaashi follows a routine, but staying up late wasn't a part of it.

keiji lies awake at midnight, eyes wide open. he's tossed and turned so many times he's sure his bed's a mess, but sleep still won't take him.

maybe if you were here he could.

you're what kept him at bay.

akaashi hates the ceiling he's staring at, keeping him from seeing the night sky. still, he's sure that even when if the ceiling's clear glass or gone, he'll see nothing and he might get convinced the dark's drowning him.

he's sure he won't see stars tonight, or every other.

not when you've got them all in your eyes.

he breathes in, the smell of earth after rain filling his nose. he hates it. he hates that it reminds him of you.

he hates feeling the smooth and crisp pages of a newly-bought book against his skin because his first instinct is take yours and have it graze over the paper, then waits 'til your fingers meet his face.

he hates the only thing that keeping him together nowadays, his organized schedules, because he keeps remembering how it isn't going to help him at all times.

akaashi plans ahead of time, but not everything goes by the book.

"losing you wasn't part of the plan."

[karasunology]

➜ HAIKYUU MASTERLIST . . . !

[ VOLUME. I ]

LAST UPDATED | 07.20.20

❝ TABLE D'HÔTE. ❞

『 NAVIGATION & RULES. 』

━━━━━ ❝ K A R A S U N O ❞

[ #SUGAWARA KOUSHI. ]

¹ AS A DAD.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK, DOMESTIC! SUGAWARA IS PHEW & SLIGHT MANGA SPOILERS.

[ #TSUKISHIMA KEI. ]

¹ LOVE LANGUAGE.

a walk through of tsukishima's love language told through headcanons.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK, FRIENDS TO LOVERS, & BOYFIE TSUKISHIMA.

² TAKING CARE OF HIS S/O WITH SWOLLEN ANKLES.

○ FLUFF, LITERAL FLUFF, CRIMINALLY SHORT IM SO SORRY, INJURED! S/O, TSUNDERE! TSUKKI OMG

[ #KAGEYAMA TOBIO. ]

¹ AS AN OLDER BROTHER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, SLIGHT ANGST, BIG BRO! KAGEYAMA HAS ME, MANGA SPOILERS & PERSONAL FAVOURITE.

━━━━━ ❝ A O B A J O H S A I ❞

[ #OIKAWA TOORU. ]

¹ AS A DAD.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK, DADDYKAWA IN THE HOUSE.

² AS AN OLDER BROTHER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK & PERSONAL FAVOURITE.

³ ❝YOU'RE MINE, I DON'T LIKE TO SHARE.❞

○ PROMPT, HEADCANONS, JEALOUS! OIKAWA, & FLUFF.

⁴ OIKAWA TOORU WITH A SISTER WHO HAS FLINGS & LIKES DATING DIFFERENT GUYS.

○ OIKAWA TOORU BEING THE KING HE IS, HEADCANONS, FLUFF(?), CRACK LITERAL CRACK.

⁵ LOVE LANGUAGE.

a walk through of oikawa's love languages told through headcanons.

○ HEADCANONS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY POST, CRACK & FLUFF.

[ #IWAIZUMI HAJIME. ]

¹ LOVE LANGUAGE.

a walk through of iwaizumi's love language.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, BIRTHDAY POST FOR IWA, & CRIMINALLY SHORT.

² AS A DAD.

○ FLUFF, DAD! AND DOMESTIC! IWA IS MY RELIGION, UNCLE OIKAWA & CRACK.

━━━━━ ❝ N E K O M A ❞

[ #VARIOUS. ]

¹ NEKOMA WITH A SHY! ANXIOUS AND ASTHMATIC MANAGER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK & SLIGHT ANXIETY MENTIONS.

[ #KUROO TETSUROU. ]

¹ ❝WE AREN'T JUST FRIENDS AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT.❞

○ PROMPT, HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK & JEALOUS! KUROO.

² ❝AM I YOUR LOCKSCREEN?❞ + ❝YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT.❞

○ PROMPT, HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK, 3 AM WRITING WITH JAE, & BEST FRIEND KUROO TO MAYBE LOVERS.

³ AS A DAD.

○ HEADCANONS, DADDY! KUROO MAKES ME WEAK BYE, FLUFF, CRACK, PERSONAL FAVOURITE AND UNCLE YAKU, LEV AND KENMA BYE

⁴ ❝AW, YOU'RE BLUSHING LIKE A ROSE.❞ & ❝I LIKE THE WAY YOUR HAND FITS MINE.❞

○ KUROO TEASE, HEADCANONS, FLUFF, DORKY KUROO, HEADCANONS.

[ #KOZUME KENMA. ]

¹ ❝WAIT, DON'T PULL AWAY . . . NOT YET❞ + ❝GOD, YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME BLUSH SO MUCH.❞

○ PROMPT, HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CUDDLING WITH NEEDY! KENMA AHH

² AS A DAD.

○ SUGAR DADDY KENMA LMAO, DOMESTIC! KENMA PHEW, FLUFF, CRACK & HEADCANONS.

━━━━━ ❝ F U K U R O D A N I ❞

[ #BOKUTO KOUTARO. ]

¹ AS A DAD.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, BOKUTO TRIPLETS, CRACK & DAD! BOKUTO.

² AS AN OLDER BROTHER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF & CRACK.

³ ❝WHY ARE YOU SO JEALOUS?❞

○ SLIGHT ANGST, FLUFF, HEADCANONS, JEALOUS! BOKUTO MAKES ME WANNA KNEEL

[ #AKAASHI KEIJI. ]

¹ DATING BOKUTO'S LITTLE SISTER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, BIG BRO! KOUTARO, & FRIENDS TO LOVERS.

² MALE S/O IS WEARING THEIR JERSEY.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, THIRSTY BOYS & CRACK.

━━━━━ ❝ S H I R A T O R I Z A W A ❞

[ #USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI. ]

¹ FEM! S/O THAT LIKES TO STEAL THEIR CLOTHES.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK & THIRSTY BOY

[ #TENDOU SATORI. ]

¹ MALE! S/O WEARS THEIR JERSEY.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, & THIRSTY BOY.

[ #SEMI EITA. ]

¹ GENERAL DATING HEADCANONS.

━━━━━ ❝ I N A R I Z A K I ❞

[ #KITA SHINSUKE. ]

¹ AS AN OLDER BROTHER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK & PERSONAL FAVOURITE.

[ #MIYA ATSUMU. ]

¹ AS AN OLDER BROTHER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK, & BIG BRO 'TSUMU.

² AS A DAD.

○ UNEXPECTED PREGNANCY, UNCLE OSAMU, DAD! ATSUMU IS GOD TIER, FLUFF & CRACK.

³ MORNING KISSES + ❝ AM I YOUR LOCKSCREEN? ❞ & ❝ YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT. ❞

○ FLUFF, LAZY MORNING WITH ATSUMU, MARRY ME SIR, HEADCANONS

[ #MIYA OSAMU. ]

¹ AS AN OLDER BROTHER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK, & BIG BRO 'SAMU.

[ #SUNA RINTAROU. ]

¹ AS AN OLDER BROTHER.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, CRACK, & 3 AM UNGODLY HOUR MEMES.

² SUNA RINTAROU WITH A SISTER WHO HAS FLINGS & LIKES DATING DIFFERENT GUYS.

○ HEADCANONS, SUNA BEING A BULLY, FLUFF(?), CRACK LITERAL CRACK.

━━━━━ ❝ O T H E R S ❞

[ #UDAI TENMA. ]

¹ GENERAL DATING HEADCANONS.

○ HEADCANONS, FLUFF, MANGA SPOILERS & PERSONAL FAVOURITE.

[ #SAKUSA KIYOOMI. ]

¹ FEM! S/O THAT LIKES TO STEAL THEIR CLOTHES.

○ FLUFF, THIRSTY BOY, TIME-SKIP SAKUSA, MANGA SPOILERS.

² ❝OH, YOU'RE JEALOUS❞ + ❝THAT'S KINDA HOT❞

○ PROMPT, HEADCANONS, MANGA SPOILER, FLUFF, JEALOUS! SAKUSA OWNS ME.

³ ❝ PLEASE JUST KISS ME ALREADY. ❞

○ HEADCANONS, IGNORING SAKUSA, SAKUSA BEING A SIMP, FLUFF(?), NEEFY SAKUSA, SUGGESTIVE END.

━━━━━ ❝ D A T E T E C H ❞

[ #NOTHING HERE YET. ]

[evermorehaikyuu]

Hi could I request a Nishinoya x older sister reader where the reader played volleyball in high school and was an ace and she played with The Tiny Giant but went into the military right out of high school?

Ooh, I like this concept. I’ll make it clear right here and now: This involves no romantic feelings whatsoever because incest is not wincest. Angst or no angst, who knows? Fluff ending or not? hEe HeE

Shot to the Heart

Everyone knew Y/N L/N, she was the ace of Karasuno. It was said that she had played alongside the Tiny Giant and they had attacked and won every single court battle. Y/N was ruthless, and she clawed her way to the top.

Saeko Tanaka knew her from afar. Along with Tenma, Y/N had piqued her interest. Saeko said that Y/N was unpredictable on the court but the calm one off the court. Saeko always thought that the Tiny Giant and Y/N were in a romantic relationship. Both of them alone were powerful. Together? Dangerous. Together and in a romantic relationship? Unstoppable.

Nishinoya knew the truth though. That was his sister and his sister was just passionate about volleyball. She talked about it with fire in her eyes. She talked about Tenma Udai like he was a god. It was her words that caused him to be better, to be stronger.

All of a sudden, something happened. Something he never thought would happen to his older sister. After graduating, she went up to him and put her hands on his shoulders. "Yuu, I've been drafted to the military."

His heart dropped to his feet as he imagined what Y/N would confront as part of the military. It wasn't supposed to go this way. She was supposed to be in college when he was a first year. She was supposed to be his mentor. Now she was going to be somewhere where he wouldn't be able to talk to her.

Tears were spilled when Y/N left for the military. With a lingering hug, Nishinoya had to be pried off of Y/N and stare at her receding back as she got on the bus. She waved goodbye and the vehicle was off.

Nishinoya had never cried as much as he did that night. All he could do was hug his pillow and curse the military for taking the sister he loved dearly. She was always there for him.

Now she wasn't.

~Two years later~

The years had been tough on her and she was already geared up and ready to go. However, she was gifted with the statement that she was able to go back for a month before returning to the military.

Y/N knew the principal and he allowed her to walk into Nishinoya's class to greet him and take him out early.

Nishinoya could barely focus on the board, he just wanted to get lunch already. Tanaka and Ennoshita were next to him and noticing how jumpy he was.

Y/N knocked on the door, complete in military uniform as she walked in. The teacher greeted her and looked at Nishinoya.

Nishinoya clapped a hand over his mouth but couldn’t move anymore. His legs were numb and if he wasn't sitting, he would've collapsed. His sister was there, she was back. So many thoughts were going through his head, it was faster than any volleyball game he had ever played. He just couldn't believe that his older sister was back.

Y/N said, "Aren't you going to give me a hug?"

Slowly standing up and walking over to her, he felt like he was in a dreamlike state and then crashed into her arms. He buried his face in her shoulder and burst out crying, trying to silence his sobs as he clutched her tighter. She pet his hair, her eyes welling with tears. Nishinoya had never cried in front of his class, but at this point, his emotions barreled through the dam.

Y/N herself was about to break down sobbing. She hadn't seen her little brother in two years and he had grown and changed so much. Y/N hadn't been there to see his growth but looking at him now was like looking at a different person. It didn't matter. She was back.

Tanaka's eyes were full of tears as he saw his best friend reunite with his sister. Ennoshita asked, "Do you need a tissue?"

"No!" Tanaka replied.

Y/N chuckled and said, "Come on, Yuu, we have a lot to catch up on."

[ao3feed-iwaoi]

Higanbana

Read this masterpiece on AO3 at https://ift.tt/cA4VICs

by Anilorak_Moon

Shouyou went home to a destroyed village with no survivors. In the midst of his all of the corpses and blood, he is able to find his little sister, Natsu, but she is not human anymore. With the only remaining of his family turned on an oni, Hinata makes becoming a demon slayer and find a cure his life goal. Having something to focus on helps him with his grief. Once he becomes a slayer, he discovers that in the present his journey is much longer and harder than he thought, and in the past his family was an important clan of demon slayers and he was destined to face ti sooner or later. Now stuck in the middle of a war with an unknown traitor on their side, Shouyou makes allies and enemies, learning that not all humans are good and not all demons are bad, especially not the blue eyed oni that saved his life more than once.

Words: 7015, Chapters: 1/3, Language: English

Fandoms: Haikyuu!!

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death

Categories: M/M

Characters: Hinata Shouyou, Hinata Natsu, Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Kei, Yamaguchi Tadashi, Miya Atsumu, Miya Osamu, Suna Rintarou, Sawamura Daichi, Sugawara Koushi, Kuroo Tetsurou, Haiba Lev, Ukai Keishin, Ukai Ikkei, Haiba Alisa, Daishou Suguru, Ushijima Wakatoshi, Kita Shinsuke, Ojiro Aran, Hoshiumi Kourai, Komori Motoya, Sakusa Kiyoomi, Yaku Morisuke, Kozume Kenma, Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime, Bokuto Koutarou, Tendou Satori, Udai Tenma, Kyoutani Kentarou

Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru

Additional Tags: Demons, Forbidden Love, Angst, Slow Burn, War, Weapons, Fighting, Blood, Blood and Injury, Violence, Torture, Injury, Recovery, Assassination Attempt(s), Search for a Cure, Human Experimentation, demon experimentation, Oni Kageyama Tobio, Character Death, Temporary Character Death, Kidnapping, MCD, Ambiguous/Open Ending, alternative universe

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/cA4VICs

[an-angels-blessing]

The End?

Song🐣🎵- Someone Gets Hurt (Reprise)

Artist🤸‍♂️🎤- Barrett Wilbert Weed, Grey Henson

Warnings😳⛔- Angst

Prompt🥺🔥- N/A

~~~~~~~ Y/N P.o.v.~~~~~~~

Shoyo and I have been arguing in the gym for what seems to be an hour. I noticed that the team walked in about 5 minutes ago, not catching the issue at hand. I've known Shoyo my entire life, but he's two years younger than me, despite this... we were inseparable since we became friends. That is until he came to Karasuno, I thought it would be fun. My two best friends at one school, but he met a guy... Tobio Kageyama.

Don't misinterpret me, he is hot... but not my type. Everything went downhill from there, our very first tournament he met the big three. Atsumu Miya, Yuji Terushima, and the HBIC Toru Oikawa. One look at Shoyo's speed and he just had to have him. I convinced him to be friends, because honestly it was an amazing opportunity. Yet, there was one tiny problem. Oikawa and Kageyama dated in middle school, and Toru did not get over him after the break up. So began the battle for Kageyama's heart, many failed math tests, and one Halloween party later.... Oikawa won. ShOckInG. Long story short, Shoyo knocked Oikawa off his perch by stealing his spot to nationals (and revealing that he was cheating. With Iwaizumi). They broke up, and Shoyo finally had his prince.

But, he wasn't the same. He was fake, his smile, his clothes, everything. It finally clicked when I overheard him talking to Terushima about me.

"I SAW YOU SHOYO!! I HEARD YOU!! What happened to us? We were inseparable." I didn't want to scream at him, but he wasn't listening to me. I love him, but if this keeps up.... I don't know how long I can say that. "Y/N, I can’t spend every second with you, It’s not my fault that you’re like in love with me or something" His words took me aback, causing me to take a step back and almost lose my footing. My eyes widened and my mouth hung open, I just couldn't believe what he said. "Oh, no, he didn’t" Suga broke the silence that had fallen over the room, being my best friend, he was the only one who knew what was happening.

"See? That is the thing with you Plastics. You think that everyone is in love with you when actually everyone hates you" I have had enough with Shoyo and his little 'show.' If he doesn't wanna be friends anymore then fine. "You made me like this. It was your idea for me to pretend to be Plastic- '' After 16 years together, the simple sound of his voice seems to annoy me, I couldn't help myself from cutting him off. His naive words made it even worse. "Buddy, it’s not pretend. You’re as plastic as they come'' I could hear Shoyo scoff at my words. "You think your shit doesn't stink. You think the rest of us are dumb." I could hear gasps come from across the gym, I'm not one to cuss, unless I'm pissed... so I guess they finally picked up the memo. "I hate Oikawa’s guts, but here’s what you can’t comprehend. At least he has the guts to not pretend" Time seemed to slow down as the next four words exited my lips. " To be my friend…" I was done shouting with him, it was getting me nowhere... and he made his decision the day he was talking to Terushima.

I guess he could hear the disappointment in my voice, because his tone quickly changed. "Y/N. I…" I could hear my name roll off his tongue in hesitation. "no. it’s fine" The words came out as a whisper only Hinata heard them, but the ones following were loud enough for the rest of the team to hear them. "Really fine." Balling my fists was all I could do to not yell at him again, I could feel the tear weld up in my eyes and yelling would only make them fall faster. "We’ll be fine" I mutter, no one actually able to hear me, I was truly trying to convince myself that it would be fine... and it honestly wasn't working.

"And I want my pink shirt" Suga wanted to back me up, but there wasn't much he could truly do at this point. "Y/N...." I reverted my eyes to the ground as he called out my name. I'm going to cry, but not in front of him. "Here Hinata." My voice is steady and holds a piercing tone, this causes him to flinch slightly. I don't know if it's me calling him by his last name or my tone of voice. Nonetheless, I hand him the perfectly square box and proceed to walk out the gym, refusing to look back as the tears begin to fall. 15 years of friendship destroyed because he fell in love with a boy he just met.

~~~~~~~ Third Person P.o.v.~~~~~~~

The team stood there in shock after what they just encountered. "Open the box. It took her months to get it. Asshole." Sugawara's words were quick and held emotion as he glared at the boy left alone in the center of the gymnasium. Before Daichi could comment on Sugawara's language, he took off after his best friend. Hinata continued to stare at the box in his hands, not moving, until the tallest spoke, his voice laced with venom as well. "So are you gonna open the gift from the girl whose heart you just broke?" All the boys except Hinata glance at Tsukishima, before looking back at the boy holding the box. An awkward silence engulfed the room, no one wanting to speak. The silence was eventually broken, not by someone, but something. Hinata began to open the cube box placed in his arms.

Instead of tearing the paper, as he would with every Christmas and birthday girl she gave him before, pulled on the ribbon releasing the beautiful bow Angel had tied on top. Before carefully peeling back the wrapping paper, knowing that this is the last gift he will ever receive from her. She always knew what he liked, and her gifts were always perfect. As he finished peeling back the corners, all that was showing was the cardboard box she had wrapped. Before he could open the box, Hinata kneeled on the ground, placing the box square in front of him. As the boy stared at the box, memories from the past 16 years flashed in front of his eyes, tears threatening to fall but never actually reaching the breaking point.

The 1st year dragged his nail against the thin lining of tape, cutting straight through without hesitation. As he pulled back the flaps, he was met with a thin sheet of foam that seemed to cover glass. As he moved the foam, the gift was finally registered in his brain. The young boy fell to his butt, as the dame finally broke, sending waves of tears. The rest of the team simply stared, concerned as to what could cause that reaction in the normally excitable boy. It took him a minute to regain himself, the tears still falling as he sat back on knees. He carefully removed the glass case from the box, as though if he grabbed it wrong it would shatter. When the team finally got a look at the gift that managed to make Hinata cry, they were to put it simply.... unimpressed. To them it was volleyball in a glass case, nothing seemed special. Until he turned it around, revealing the words scribbled on the ball. 'Congrats Shoyo, can't wait to see you on the court.' And next to that was a simple signature, 'The Tiny Giant.'

Angel managed to get his favorite volleyball player, the whole reason he is playing, to sign a ball for him. He didn't want to put down the newly opened gift, but he caught one last thing in the box. He softly placed the case on the floor next to the box before reaching back in for the tiny folded piece of paper. As he opened the note, he recognized Y/N's handwriting and began to read.

"Hey Shoyo, so it's our 16th anniversary of our friendship and I wanted to make this one special since you're in high school now. After months of research, I managed to find The Tiny Giant, or Tenma Udai. Turns out he's my uncle on my dad's side, crazy right? Anyway, he still plays despite no longer being on a team, soo..... I managed to get him to play a game with you guys." As he read the last sentence, he swore he could hear his own heart shatter. "The game is scheduled for next Saturday, so better get prepared.... cause he's still got it. But in all seriousness, you guys deserve some fun after that tournament the other day, especially you. We've been friends since I was 2 and I don't remember most of it, but the connections we share was enough to prove a point. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, I love you Hinata Shoyo." As he finished the note, he placed it atop the glass case, not wanting his new tears to fall on the last piece of their friendship. "I fucked up" His words were few and low, yet the entire gym managed to hear him.

No one spoke, but as per usual, Tsukishima broke the silence. "You just came to that conclusion dipshit?" Tsukki was known to be rude and salty, but his words were laced with a thick poison aimed straight at Hinata. Yet again, before Daichi can comment Tsukki walks away, Yamaguchi provides a quick wave before walking away as well. Yet again, the room was surrounded by silence, while the subtle noise of Hinata was still crying. Because after 16 year, he finally noticed she was his everything. The reason he continued playing, his heart, his best friend.... his soul mate. And he just lost her.

Masterlist

[ao3feed-daisuga]

In your arms

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3c90SyL

by Lunaneedshelp

They're on the green field, under the gloomy sky. Standing while holding a black umbrella. It seems like the sky's also grieving for their loss. The usual sunny day weren't out and the heavy rain poured at them in return.

Words: 10396, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Haikyuu!!

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Tsukishima Kei, Yamaguchi Tadashi, Hinata Shouyou, Kageyama Tobio, Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi, Nishinoya Yuu, Azumane Asahi, Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Ennoshita Chikara, Kinoshita Hisashi, Narita Kazuhito, Yachi Hitoka, Shimizu Kiyoko, Ukai Keishin, Yamaguchi Tadashi's Mother, Tsukishima Akiteru

Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi

Additional Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Karasuno Family, Protective Tsukishima Kei, Fluff and Angst, I'm not great with angst story sorry, Soft Tsukishima Kei, Hurt Yamaguchi Tadashi, Mentioned Kuroo Tetsurou, Mentioned Bokuto Koutarou, Mentioned Udai Tenma - Freeform, Mentioned Akaashi Keiji

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3c90SyL

[hellobunny044]

Panels. | Series

panel. in manga art, panels refers to the frame that wraps around one moment in time.

********************************************************

an original Haikyu AU pairing Udai Tenma (the og little giant

warning!!: containing some manga content.

word count: 6937

********************************************************

Panel - 6

Tokyo, Present Day

A coincidence to be thanked for... or is it more to be cursed at? Along the way, Udai only thought about that.

It was not that he regretted that of all the things that could have happened to him he had to meet Tsubasa. It was precisely because it was Tsubasa of all people that Udai wavered between cursing or thanking this coincidence. Really, of all the things that could have happened, why did it have to be another encounter with her? Of all people, why her?

But even so, there he was, and ended up following Tsubasa in her lunch.

When she asked about lunch, Udai honestly said that he had already had his lunch. But even after that, Tsubasa still asked him to join her. She said it was to repay him for the other day.

What made Udai so pissed off about it, was that he didn’t refuse the offer at all. A part of him was reluctant to leave, greedy to grasp this opportunity, greedy that he would have time to be with her again even if it was just to be there.

Time is cruel.

So is the fate.

In this panel, fate, in all its cruelty, has drawn little lines to bring to life a new story between him and Tsubasa, the last thing he wanted to happen.

Of all things, does he, who once deliberately walked away from the panel where they used to be connected, deserve to be here?

Even if fate eventually let Tsubasa decide, Udai hoped that this time, she would be the one to walk away.

But...

Damn. Even nine years couldn’t change anything about how comfortably warm it was when he was around her. It felt safe, soothing. Cruel.

“Udai-san, you will order dessert, right?”

Udai only answers with a hum.

“The Hokkaido cheesecake here is famous for being very good. How about that? Is that enough?”

And another.

The glimpse of what he was looking at was his first love. Sasaki Tsubasa, whom he remembered as the girl who completed the story of each panel in his youth with her presence. She was the one who brought an unforgettable blush of pink into the panels of his youth that had been dulled with dreary, static colors.

Sasaki Tsubasa, who nine years ago looked like a typical high schooler, now looks like a well-developed adult woman. She was beautiful, seemed competent in her work that he forgot to ask before. Then like any other mature woman, she wore just enough makeup with colors that only added to her beauty like magic, high heels that had a unique beat every time she walked. In truth, the high school girl of his first love had completely disappeared from what he could catch of her. But from her eyes, her voice, the atmosphere she brought with her, it was all Sasaki Tsubasa, his first love.

Sitting before her, it was like waiting for a big wave that carried all the memories of his youth to wash him away. The very first encounter, the confession, the first date, the first kiss, all the things that Udai first tasted in a dozen years of being a whole human being, were spent with Tsubasa. It was also about the first big mistake he made, the first regret, the first heartbreak. This very woman before him had it all packed with her.

Facing her, Udai felt helpless amidst the rushing of emotion that filled all his senses.

He shouldn’t have come back, he repeated mentally many times.

He doesn’t deserve to come back, he repeated.

“Udai-san wa—”

His reverie was over and the world returned to what was before him.

“— are you going to be quiet-for-some-time-before-you-finally-speak too this time?”

Her eyes were on him, looking at him kindly. Still like the old days, she still feels so near, really. Udai almost forgot that she was waiting for her answer.

“Are you really okay with the dessert we ordered earlier?”

“Hm?”

“You just answered it so casually when I told you the menu… like you somehow didn’t even mean answering the question. It made me think that maybe I was too pushy that you didn’t have time to decide or even consider.”

“No. I’m fine.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Finally, Tsubasa was convinced and stopped.

“Okay then.”

Udai actually wasn’t so sure that he was good enough at small talk. However, Tsubasa had insinuated it. Throwing a sign that he should talk. At the very least, asking something about the weather perhaps?

“It’s pretty sunny today, don’t you think?”

He was stupid.

Tsubasa’s gaze still trapped him, leading him further into the abyss of awkwardness. For real, what’s the point of saying clichéd things about the weather? What century is this?

To his surprise, a smile spread across Tsubasa’s face. Amusing. This time, it was Tsubasa who had the nerve to answer. Then she looked out the window to make sure.

“Sunny and hot,” she added.

They were seated at a table in a row near the transparent window that gave them closer access to the streets surrounding the restaurant.

Udai caught a faint smile that she rolled back before Tsubasa turned back to him. “But the summer is coming to an end.”

That smile was different from what he saw after she returned. Maybe it was just in his head, but there was something there that he shouldn’t have caught.

“You’re still so picky about the seasons?”

Tsubasa’s question was followed by a huffing laugh. Amusing. Like mocking, but a little more polite than that.

“I thought, as years passed, you might have matured a bit.”

Simply put, Udai did not like summer very much. The only thing he liked about summer was that during that time, they would get a holiday. And Tsubasa remembered that. Oh, he forgot to add one thing. Eight years ago, he loved his summer and everything that revolved around it.

“Well... summer is… hot.”

Tsubasa stormed off after that, “That goes without saying! Where is there a cold summer?”

There is. Sometime during the summer of eight years ago, when you were there. At least, even though it wasn’t cold, with you around, things became a little more refreshing. “Right.”

Tsubasa sighed, her smile staying. Amused at the fact that Udai still didn’t get along with summer. Deep down inside however, in a part of him that he was trying to avoid, Udai wished that the reason her smile still remained was because he was still the same.

“What about you, Sasaki?”

In the past, he could just casually call her given name. Tsubasa.

Now... well... It’s the little things like this that give connection its essence. That, one day when you’re parting ways, you’ll go back to the time when everything was back to scratch, and that all the time that was drained away back then, can never come back no matter how desperately you reach for it. That, from the pain it brings when you look back, will make you realize that in the future where you stand, it will never again involve the person you used to always involve in the first place.

In the panel where her world evolved, Tsubasa no longer involves Udai like she used to. And Udai, in a different panel where his world runs, had long ago deliberately closed off the path to involving her as well.

It was all his fault, he knew. Just like he knew that Tsubasa liked summer, unlike him.

“Do you still like summer?”

“Sure.” Her answer came smoothly without losing a single beat. Her smile was still, her gaze steady.

In contrast to Udai, Tsubasa loved the summer. Udai still remembered why. She liked summer because the days would last longer than in the other seasons, the sky would look bluer, brighter than usual, and she said, the scent of the earth would be more sniffable — that was surely an odd one. Udai couldn’t remember if he had any memory of Tsubasa being so melancholy about such things, but she did.

Udai also remembers the winter being her least favorite season. The reason was simple: it was cold. Well... you don’t get warm winters anywhere in the world. He still remembered about Tsubasa who didn’t like her hands getting cold, didn’t like padding, and especially about her always losing her hot pack almost every five minutes. Seriously, though. Udai had to stop thinking before he fell into a forbidden desire and said something nonsense.

Soon after that he changed the subject. This time, however, he started over quite nicely.

“You work around here?”

He didn’t know if it was just in his mind, but for a moment, Tsubasa looked lost. Her answer was also a little off, a nod. However, she soon smiled. An answer followed shortly after,“Yes.”

Udai nodded his head. “Close around?”

“Ten minutes by walking.”

“Oh?”

“I often have lunch here.”

Exactly what she wanted to ask.

“Are you stopping by the Weekly Shonen office?” Tsubasa asked back.

“Oh? Yes.” Udai nodded.

Humming, Tsubasa added a new question, “Dropping off the latest volume’s manuscript?” She quickly continued after that, “Or perhaps something else?”

“The first one. Yes. I have a little business related to manuscripts and publishing.”

Tsubasa responded with a hum while nodding slightly.

Seconds rolled by, slowly but surely. Between them, silence slowly settled in. However, Udai did not let it linger too long as he continued their little question and answer session.

“Are you on your lunch break?”

Stupid. Of course She is. What do you think she was doing here?

“As you can see,” Tsubasa smiled as she replied. “I guess you’re not too familiar with the strict schedules and rules of office workers like me.”

“Hm?”

Tsubasa chuckled, “You work and rest on your own accord, right? Even if for example you’re in a high demand zone this month, and the sketching of the latest volume of your manga is only given a month or two, you still have a higher level of flexibility in your working hours. You don’t have to deal with anything about long and hectic working hours or relatively little break time. You can rest all day or work all night to your heart’s content—”

Udai raised his eyebrows when Tsubasa suddenly stopped midway.

“Ah? Sorry! I didn’t mean to say anything about your work. I’ve talked too much.”

Confused, Udai quickly searched for something to say in response. “U-uh? No. It’s alright. It’s not that you said anything disrespectful about my work here.”

“I said everything as if I understood everything.” Tsubasa sighed, almost wincing. “Sorry for being rude.”

“Hm. No problem.”

The atmosphere returned to silence. The awkwardness returned between them. After seconds spent wondering what to talk to Tsubasa about next, the atmosphere was thawed by something Tsubasa said.

“You... haven’t asked about my work, Udai-san.”

“Huh?”

He remembered that he had never asked her anything about her work. But it wasn’t because he forgot or didn’t want to know about it, but rather realized that it was something too silly to ask, not to mention rude.

Udai wanted to know about her job like how she knew that he was a manga artist from one of the best-selling manga series. He wanted to know what office work she was referring to, like how she knew that if he came to the Weekly Shonen office, it meant that he had some business related to manuscripts and publishing. He wanted to know what time she worked and what time she would end, like how she knew that he had much more flexible working hours than she did. He wanted to know all that, so he was showered with guilt for being too inquisitive.

What was more surprising, however, was that Tsubasa suggested that he ask. It was as if she was giving him a way to satisfy all the questions piling up in his head.

“O-oh... well... Um... Yeah.”

“You should have asked that from the start. There was no need to be reluctant.”

Tsubasa paused, chuckling slightly, “Your face says it all.”

Everything? Even about the way I was overwhelmed when you were there and smiling like that, Tsubasa? Lie to me, please lie to me. Don’t let my hopes grow bigger for something I shouldn’t wish for. This is a catastrophe, especially for Tsubasa. Of all the people she should not have invited into her world, Udai should have been the first one she should have avoided. Of all the people who didn’t deserve half of her time, it was Udai who had the opportunity to sit with her today. He should really stop. You should stop before I break your heart again.

Their talk was interrupted by the lunch that had joined them on the table. For a moment, their worlds were distracted by the smell of the menu. Tsubasa ordered the main course, while Udai got the dessert that Tsubasa recommended. The Hokkaido Cheesecake.

For a moment, he wondered if all stores that served this menu really baked the cheesecake in a water bath or if there was another way to replace that process while maintaining the quality of the taste?

It was a silly pondering that would lead him nowhere. Not to find new inspiration for his manga, nor to take him away from the awkwardness that clung in between to fill the space between him and Tsubasa.

“Have a good meal!”

“Have… a… good meal.”

Really, everything was still the same.

The way she enjoyed her food, her little habits, everything seemed to be something pulled from every shard of his memory of her.

“Too bad you already had lunch before,” Tsubasa said between pauses, drawing Udai’s gaze back to her, “otherwise, you could try this menu for lunch. They sell this very well every day. It’s very delicious.”

But perhaps, Udai would prefer it this way.

“Next time, I guess,” Tsubasa said, not quietly and not reluctantly. But Udai didn’t miss how her fingers gripped the spoon a little tighter. Her smile came, a friendly greeting before what she was about to say followed. “You can invite someone to come here and make sure to order this.”

Subconsciously, Udai chuckled. “If I had time for something like that.”

Catching a gyoza with her chopsticks, Tsubasa muttered, “Right?”

Then, Tsubasa continued, “But you know... rather than about having or not having time, you can spare a little of your time, right?”

Udai stopped. No, the world stopped. Or, no, he stopped. His gaze was fixed on Tsubasa who slowly widened her eyes. Just as Udai was stunned by her words, it was either he was delusional or, Tsubasa looked more surprised than anyone else.

“Ah- I didn’t mean to—”

“No—”

“Really, I’m really sorry.”

There you go. Sasaki Tsubasa was still Sasaki Tsubasa at the end of the day. She looked down, her palms closing in front of her furrowed brow.

“It’s alright.”

Tsubasa sighed and immediately raised her head. “The weather must have made me think of all sorts of things. Again, sorry for being presumptuous.”

“Hm. It doesn’t matter. After all, some of what you said is true. But in my case, not only do I have no time, I also don’t have a special person that I have to set aside time for in particular.”

Udai did not know that she would say that much before she finally reached the end of her sentence.

“Oh?”

Yes, he was a freak.

Awkwardness crawled over every inch of his skin. Quickly wanting to get out of the awkward embrace before it clung even tighter, Udai racked his brain for something better to talk about. Staying there was not going to get him anywhere.

“Speaking of the work,” in a split-second pause, his brain spun faster to think of how to phrase the question a little more politely, “about your work…”

“Ah?”

Udai echoed Tsubasa’s nod, automatically following along as if it had been programmed.

“Ah, yes. I work for a startup company that specializes in IT,” Tsubasa then mentioned the name of the company.

“Ah? It’s that one, huh?”

“Right,” Tsubasa smiled.

“Ah, right. If I’m not mistaken, I saw the company building with their logo around here.”

“You know about our company?”

“Well… Yes, it was the talk of the town in the newspapers and on television.”

“Right?” Tsubasa’s smile expanded, sweet and pleasant.

Distracting himself from Tsubasa’s smile—as well as from the tightness in his chest—Udai quickly changed the subject, “How long have you been in Tokyo?”

“Almost three years.”

“Ah? Three years?”

Tsubasa hummed. “Um… Udai-san, I’ve been meaning to say this for a while,”

Udai paused, both eyebrows raised in anticipation of Tsubasa’s words, “Hm?”

“When I first met you…” Udai almost mistakenly thought Tsubasa was talking about the past if she didn’t immediately continue, “the other day on the mall, I barely recognized you.”

“Hm?”

“You know, your hair…”

Subconsciously, Udai immediately touched his hair when Tsubasa said that.

“They’re long,” Tsubasa continued, but now with a smile that followed right before she ended with, “very long.”

Suddenly, Udai was very worried about how he would look. Would he look like a beggar rather than the manga artist that he is, or would he look pathetic or weird with long hair. Tsubasa’s smile was sweet and pleasant, but it also brought out the nervousness in him. Was that pleasant smile really pleasant or pleasant in another sense…

Subconsciously, Udai had brought his hand to tidy up his hair a little. Nothing significant, just tucking the strands that almost covered his frame behind his ears.

He swore it was just a little, until he finally realized that he was paying too much attention to his appearance when, before him, Tsubasa was taking point about that. Something in her eyes quickly went away after he peeked there, quickly replaced with the sparkle of a pleasant smile that came as soon as she returned.

“I’ve noticed your hair since our first encounter,” Tsubasa continued, “but it seemed rude to say anything about it then. And I also wondered, even though summer is almost over, if you were okay with your hair being long— which of course you don’t have to think about.”

Tsubasa refocused on her lunch.

“Ah right, your friend the other day,”

Although of all the things he wanted to talk about, this was the last one, Udai had run out of topics.

Tsubasa looked back at him, a look of confusion.

“Your coworker,” Udai continued, followed by an understanding response from Tsubasa.

“Ah! Yes. Hatakeyama.” Tsubasa nodded, distractedly looking at Udai.

“You guys didn’t have lunch together?”

“No.” Tsubasa immediately followed with something that made Udai regret asking. “We usually have lunch together, but today he has some business with the deputy. It might take a while for him to join me.”

“Ah…”

Ten, no, a thousand times better if he didn’t ask.

“Hatakeyama,” Tsubasa continued, “he’s been at the company longer than I have. He had been working for almost a year when I joined. In a way, I’m basically his Kohai.”

Udai forced himself to smile, echoing Tsubasa’s smile that came afterward.

“Could it be because of that? Sometimes he really treats me like his subordinate and is all bossy, so annoying! Sometimes, he acts like a dictator too. But in his work, Hatakeyama is very reliable.” At the end of her sentence while expressing Hatakeyama, Tsubasa smiled. Udai knew that he had lost every right to feel uncomfortable when Tsubasa said something about another man, but it still felt unpleasant.

“Hatakeyama is truly a reliable Senpai—”

The world stopped right there.

Udai had noticed that before, about how in between the main course that she ordered were small pieces of octopus. He still remembered everything about Tsubasa, including that she had a severe octopus allergy. He also remembers that despite having a severe octopus allergy, Tsubasa sometimes forgets that she can’t eat octopus.

Now, she almost caught a small piece of octopus meat with her chopsticks. But with Udai there, who was quite thorough about it all, Tsubasa stopped.

Udai was holding her arm, gently gripping it to stop her.

“Octopus,” he muttered, “you... have allergy.”

“... hm?”

“You should have picked all the octopus aside before eating.”

For a moment, there was silence. Their hands were still touching each other. Only then, when Tsubasa said something, did Udai finally, immediately pull away, chest heavy.

“Oh? Octopus!”

Tsubasa’s gaze turned to her lunch. She sighed, “I almost got into big trouble,” she muttered, still inaudible, “you idiot!”

Then there was silence again. Udai and Tsubasa were both still working to process what was happening. Between the two of them, however, Udai was diligently outlining what had happened.

First, their hands touched at the most unexpected time. Her skin was soft and slightly moist, lotioned. Udai wondered if the scent of her lotion today would be the same as it was nine years ago—

Secondly, about the octopus that was always there while she was having her lunch like this, would Hatakeyama get rid of it all for her before she ate? He seemed to be so diligent to ruin his own mood.

Thirdly, it was either he was hallucinating or Tsubasa didn’t want to pull away. As his world came to a halt, he wondered if the same thing was happening to Tsubasa... or if she was really reluctant to break away—

“Udai-san,”

“Huh? A-ah, Yes?”

“Thank you for paying attention,”

It took Udai longer to take that one in. Her words were ambiguous.

“though I’m usually confident enough to eat by myself because I can handle things like this... well... maybe I forgot that I should have taken out all the octopus pieces first before eating.”

Udai only gave a short response.

“I’m surprised you could see that it was octopus.”

“Well... I just looked pretty well.”

“Is that so?”

“Well…”

“I thought you’d actually have problems with your eyesight because... you know what I mean... your job requires you to be awake in front of a computer for long periods of time— ah! But of course not always, right?”

“Hm. But you’re right about the staying-awake-in-front-of-the-computer-for-a-long-period-of-time part.”

“And?”

Udai shrugged, “Maybe... just not yet?”

Tsubasa frowned, her laughter following. Udai couldn’t help but smile, not when before him, Tsubasa was laughing so pleasantly.

“Please... are you really looking forward to when your eyesight gets bad because of your job?”

“Ah— of course not with the looking forward part. That would be a bit inconvenient.”

“Right?” Tsubasa sighed, “You always talk carelessly, Udai-san.”

Udai just laughed softly under his breath.

Tsubasa returned with a faint smile in her words after that, “I’m surprised you still remember.”

This meeting had been disastrous.

Udai’s smile faded. The amusing curve lost its glow, replaced with a pain laced with awkwardness.

“Thank you.”

Being there would not be good for him. If he stayed there, Udai would fall into a pit of hope. However, suddenly leaving would certainly not be polite. Perhaps, stepping away for a while would do.

“Hm.”

Udai mustered the courage—and honestly, the will—to excuse himself. “Excuse me a moment,” his hand awkwardly gestured in whatever direction was behind him, “I— the toilet.”

Tsubasa nodded. “Hm. You may go.” In fact, there was another smile after that.

********************************************************

By the time he reached the restroom, the roar of water rushing from the faucet couldn’t even distract Udai’s world from his fast-roaming mind processing everything that was happening.

Truly, this encounter was a catastrophe.

Udai had no intention of thinking of Tsubasa as a catastrophe in his terms, however, her being there right now threatened to make him greedy and of all things, that was the worst that could happen.

Has it been eight years? Since the last time he saw Tsubasa, since the last time their panels connected almost as if they were melting into each other. Since then, since the moment Udai had decided to be the first to walk away and move on to a new panel without taking his feelings for Tsubasa, it was over. As for the two of them, they had already lost.

Rather than keeping Sasaki Tsubasa who had been like the sun against his eternal winter, Udai decided to elevate his ego. He was too proud to turn back, to simply admit that he was wrong. Or... to admit that he couldn’t if she wasn’t around.

At times like this, when time seemed to stand still on his watch, Udai couldn’t help thinking that if only he had stopped that day... but, for now, it was too late.

Staring at his reflection in the mirror, Udai returned to the flashing of memories that passed quickly.

“If I keep thinking back like this, and the same thing happens to her, what makes me think that she was alright?”

He had decided that his greed should not go beyond this. And at the very least, after this, he should apologize for everything and then disappear.

Udai washed his hands, washed his face and shifted his gaze to his reflection in the mirror. He was silent for a long time, wandering back to what Tsubasa had said earlier. Something about his long hair.

With his hands still wet, Udai smoothed his hair a little. At the very least, if he was prepared with a meaningless apology, he should at least try to look a little better, right?

********************************************************

Returning, Udai stopped at the end of a table when he saw a familiar man join Tsubasa. Hatakeyama Jiro.

Hatakeyama Jiro. Itachiyama High graduate. Tsubasa’s coworker who had been working for almost a year when Tsubasa joined the company. And lastly, Hatakeyama is a reliable Senpai, she said. Oh, that last one is very helpful.

From where he stood, Udai, who was watching the interaction between those two, underlined a few things about Hatakeyama Jiro from his perspective: Unlike him who came in with a t-shirt and disheveled hair, Hatakeyama Jiro was neat in a shirt and a fine necktie even though their blazers were both black. His hair was neat, showing the dignity of a senior office worker.

He looked like a very dependable man.

Although Tsubasa found him annoying at times, he was warm to her. From the last time, the way he spoke to Tsubasa showed how familiar he was in Tsubasa’s terms.

Tsubasa smiled happily at something he said, then their hands met for a playful high five. Not to mention afterwards their fingers intertwined to celebrate whatever it was. Maybe it was just as he thought.

For a moment, Udai thought about leaving. He thought, even if he left after that, Tsubasa would no longer look for him if her lover was right there. But... he didn’t want to leave.

Tsubasa was smiling.

Was he greedy if he wanted to be there to share that smile? Even if this was the last time, was he too greedy?

Udai finally had an excuse to come back because he forgot his bag. Hopefully that would be a reasonable excuse.

“Oh? It’s Tsubasa-no-Senpai-san!”

“Oh? Udai-san, You’re back?”

Hatakeyama Jiro’s voice was the first to greet him, then Tsubasa followed. Udai answered them both with a hum.

One other thing he also underlined was that they were sitting separately. At a time like this, he should be sitting on... Hatakeyama Jiro’s side, right?

“Sasaki, move aside.”

“Hm?”

“You have no manners, do you? Are you planning to let your Senpai stand there?”

“A-ah... O-oh... Okay.”

Udai knew that Tsubasa moving aside was a sign for him to join her there, but he just didn’t expect that even now, he would have to sit side by side with her. Seriously? He was even convinced to immediately exclude himself from this panel, convinced that he would be the disrupter of Tsubasa and Hatakeyama Jiro’s lunch.

What after this?

It was quiet after Udai sat down next to Tsubasa until he heard Hatakeyama Jiro say something until after he finished ordering.

“It’s good to see you here again, Udai-san.”

“Hm. Me too.”

“Did Sasaki force you to join?”

Beside Udai, Tsubasa almost choked at Hatakeyama Jiro’s question.

“You really forced him to join?” Hatakeyama Jiro’s gaze turned to Tsubasa. His hand preceded Udai’s intention to shift the drink to Tsubasa. Despite his words, teasing, his actions spoke of all things considerate. Shifting the drink, handing her a tissue, and something about 'there, there. Drink slowly or you’ll choke again'.

Oh, he regretted coming back.

“— I- invited him to join to pay for the other day, you know! Besides, I didn’t force him to join.”

“Oh? Is that so?”

“Of course!”

Tsubasa sighed. She turned to Udai-who was scratching his head about the best way to leave this place right now— and said, “Earlier you asked about Hatakeyama. He made it to join me for lunch, I suppose?”

“Ah…”

“Oh? Udai-san asked about me?”

Welcoming Hatakeyama Jiro’s gaze that turned to him, Udai tried to smile despite having to force himself.

“Hm. He just asked why you didn’t come to lunch.” Tsubasa answered on Udai’s behalf, “Then I said you had business.”

Returning from Tsubasa, Hatakeyama Jiro added, “Yes. I had a little business before. Well, this kid is not so reliable—”

“Hey!”

“— so I have more responsibility to do this and that.”

“What are you talking about? I’m doing my part just fine!” Tsubasa fumed, almost throwing the chopsticks at Hatakeyama.

Hatakeyama sneered after hearing Tsubasa’s self-defense.

Udai didn’t feel like he belonged here. Rather than witness this lovely interaction between two lovers flirting with each other, he would a thousand times prefer to listen to Akaashi’s thundering critiques in the office. He regretted, truly regretted coming back instead of leaving when he had the chance.

“Say, Udai-san,” Hatakeyama Jiro’s call surprised him.

“Huh?”

“Was Sasaki really this annoying back in high school?”

“Huh?”

“Ha? Why do you ask such things, Hatakeyama?”

“Say, Udai-san, has she been this childish since then?”

“Huh?”

“Hatakeyama—”

“Ah, right. Udai-san is your Senpai, there’s no way he’ll be able to answer that objectively.”

You’re wrong. I was her boyfriend.

“Ah! You’ve talked way too much!” Tsubasa grumbled, catching a gyoza with her chopsticks and immediately feeding it to Hatakeyama Jiro forcefully.

“H-hey! Can you do it a little nicely?” With his mouth full of gyoza, Hatakeyama Jiro covered his mouth with his hand while grumbling to Tsubasa. “You really don’t have any manners to a Senpai— you could hurt my mouth!”

Still grumbling, Tsubasa muttered, “The gyoza is good. You should try it.”

“Sasaki,”

The other two returned to Udai.

“she’s kind.”

There was silence after Udai’s last words. A statement that answered Hatakeyama Jiro’s previous question. A late answer.

“Also... she is very bright.”

Udai couldn’t dare look at Tsubasa after saying his answer. It was nothing. Just a pure natural urge that came from within him to defend Tsubasa from all those accusations of having been the one who knew Tsubasa so well even if only briefly, the sentence passed his lips. Voiced softly without regret.

There was silence.

Hatakeyama Jiro was there to break the silence with his response. A hum, which was then followed by another questions. “Then, has she always liked reading manga? Like... have you ever caught her spending time reading manga?”

Now–

“Manga?”

– that’s new.

“Yes. Manga. Has she always been a manga maniac—”

“H-hey, Hatakeyama—”

“You know, Udai-san, this kid sometimes steals time to read manga in between her work breaks. She has a stock of manga in her desk drawer to read every break.”

“Oh, come on!”

“I don’t know about the details, but, clearly it’s something about Zombies…”

“This is your last warning, Hatakeyama.”

“Hora, something recommended to me, Sasaki.”

“What?”

“That manga you recommended— was it called Zombie Knight or something else?”

Tsubasa sighed, his eyes glancing at Udai before she said. “You know, we should talk about your timing next time, Hatakeyama.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Hatakeyama-kun, let me introduce you once again to Udai Tenma-san; the creator of Zombie Knight Zomb’ish manga that you were talking about.”

There was silence after Tsubasa introduced Udai to Hatakeyama Jiro once again.

Udai glanced at Tsubasa before he returned to Hatakeyama Jiro, deciding to lower his hand again after raising it awkwardly to greet Hatakeyama Jiro. Waving was certainly not a good choice. His laughter was thin and awkward, almost insincere.

“Ah! So Udai-san is the mangaka of Zombie Knight?”

“Well…”

“So what?” Tsubasa replied, “After this you’re still going to say that manga is only for kids?”

“Hey, come on! That one’s because you’re childish.”

“Ha!? Don’t make so many nonsensical excuses for your insulting statement!”

“Exactly.”

Hatakeyama Jiro turned to Udai, “Speaking of manga, it’s an honor to know that you’re the very author of Zombie Knight, Udai-san,”

“A-ah... thank you.” Udai said awkwardly.

Hatakeyama Jiro turned back to Tsubasa, “That’s why you’ve been reading Zombie Knight so diligently, apparently.”

“This kid,” Hatakeyama Jiro’s hand pointed at Tsubasa as he turned to the stunned Udai, “she really likes your manga.”

The world stopped once again.

“Not only that she kept it in her drawer, one day, she wouldn’t stop talking about your manga and gave everyone the hassle of having to listen to everything she said. Not to mention how every week she would go to the bookstore just to buy the latest edition— ah, last time you, remember? She also got the latest series of your manga to bring to the office.”

“H-hey! What’s so wrong with that? I have taste, you know! Besides, the story is that good!”

Udai created Zombie Knight Zomb’ish with a little hope that people—anyone—would be able to enjoy the stories and drawings he created with pleasure. Although something about zombies was definitely not something that would make someone read with a beaming face, he still hoped that there were those who looked forward to the manga wholeheartedly.

So far, through the small inspections he had done, seeing the public’s enthusiasm for his manga was something to be proud of. That his hard work was welcomed with open arms by manga readers.

About whoever’s part it was, no matter what age, Tsubasa was the part of it. However, that was before he realized that she was actually one of them. When he finally come to a realization, it only further fed his greed for something he couldn’t reach, shouldn’t.

Crap. Udai would never stop thinking about Tsubasa when he worked on his manga.

This encounter had brought too much catastrophe, truly.

His world was about the woman beside him, his eyes caught her. For a moment, he forgot that there was another pair watching them. His chest was tight. His heart throbbed painfully, desperately wanting to get out and leap into her palm, eager to be held tight like before. He had crossed the line. He was Greedy, too greedy.

In the world that go by on the outside of Udai’s momentarily dead world, realizing that he had been staring for too long, Tsubasa quickly shift her gaze away from Udai. Looking too confused to respond to anything that was going on.

“W-well... it’s not that it’s odd if I’m supporting something that my Senpai’s working hard about, right?” Tsubasa added, feeling uneasy, “After all, it’s written for everyone, all ages and I just like that it’s well-drawn—”

A second later, something happened.

Perhaps because of being too flustered, Tsubasa became nervous and accidentally nudged her glass and ended up spilling the ocha onto Udai’s t-shirt. A white t-shirt.

“Ah! Geez— I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! I really didn’t mean to!”

“There you go,” Hatakeyama Jiro said lazily.

“A-ah, it’s alright, it’s alright.”

Hatakeyama Jiro picked up the tissue box and hand it to Udai.

“Thank you, Hatakeyama-san.” Udai took the tissue and started wiping his t-shirt.

“Ah, what should I do about this? Udai-san, I really didn’t mean it, I’m sorry!”

Udai gave Tsubasa a glance. Compared to this, the fact that you read and liked my manga so much was still ten times more surprising. So, “Ah, it’s okay.”

Hatakeyama Jiro sighed, “That’s you, Sasaki. Always so careless.”

Tsubasa bit her finger, feeling guilty at what she had done to Udai’s T-shirt. Then, she decided to grab a tissue and help a little, but Hatakeyama Jiro held her back.

“You, stay still,” his hand held Tsubasa’s, as the other grabbed the tissue from her hand and helped wipe the remains of the ocha on her table.

Udai’s hand movements slowed down watching that.

“You might spill the rest later. That would be twice as troublesome.”

Then, he heard Hatakeyama Jiro sigh again, “You’re as clumsy as always, Sasaki. What a mess you’re causing now.”

“Ah~ It was a white T-shirt.”

Hatakeyama Jiro’s words added guilt to Tsubasa’s shoulders, the next second, she began to shower Udai with words of apology until finally Udai was almost impatient when he answered. However, he quickly brushed it off and said, “It’s alright. I’m okay.”

It was nothing compared to what was going on the inside.

Tsubasa felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment as she watched Udai dab at the green tea stain on his shirt with a tissue. She had been so absorbed in her work that she hadn't noticed her ocha was precariously perched on the edge of her desk, and had accidentally knocked it over with her elbow.

Tsubasa hung her head in shame, mortified at her mistake. However, Udai was quick to come to her aid. "It's alright. It was just an accident," he said.

Hatakeyama Jiro, however, had other plans about it, “You should at least do something about it, Sasaki,”

“Huh?”

“Well, like for example, you take it home and wash it yourself. It’s only fair,”

“Oh, it’s alright. No need to bother.” Udai cut in immediately. “After all, there aren’t that many stains.”

That’ll be a very bad idea.

“... Very well, I’ll… I’ll do it.”

Udai paused for a moment, almost tempted by the idea. But he quickly shook his head, “No. There’s no need to be bothered about it. This is enough.”

“But as Hatakeyama said before, it’s only fair that I wash your t-shirt after spilling the ocha.”

But Udai shook his head, insisting it wasn’t necessary. Before Tsubasa could argue more, Udai’s phone rang.

The phone was on the table. Udai spent a few moments thinking before taking the call. His hand was careful as he picked up the phone, as if hiding something evident there.

At a glance, he saw Akaashi’s name on the phone screen so he immediately answered the call. Another matter was waiting for him somewhere. That day, Akaashi was his savior. He would thank him later.

That was how Udai had finally been able to exclude himself from that panel, forgetting that he had not been able to offer any apologies.

—

.

.

Extension.

.

Some minutes before

“Excuse me for a moment, I— toilet.”

“Hm. You may go.”

After Udai’s back disappeared from her sight, Tsubasa slumped limply in her seat. After quite a while just burying her head in her palms, also cursing herself, she finally lifted her head and straightened up.

Her eyes moved from the pile of small pieces of octopus meat on a small plate to her wrist. Something in her eyes spoke of the intense sadness that was going on inside her chest, like the rain before a storm. The warmth of his touch enveloping her wrist was, inexplicably, colder than the last time she could remember.

But just a little, Tsubasa was happy. At least, Udai still remembered some things about her.

In the middle of her reverie, her phone rang. Hatakeyama Jiro’s name on the screen. “Moshi moshi?”

—--------------------------------------------------------

“Sasaki? Where are you? At the usual restaurant? I’m near, I’ll join you.”

—--------------------------------------------------------

“Eh? Weren’t you going to have lunch with Matsuda?”

—--------------------------------------------------------

“She went to have lunch with her team. She said they are going to talk about the month-end project.”

—--------------------------------------------------------

Talk about bad timing.

Tsubasa sighed, “You know, Hatakeyama, about that, you should pay attention to your timing after this.”

—--------------------------------------------------------

“Ha? What are you talking about? Just wait right there, I have good news.”

—--------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps, with Hatakeyama around, the atmosphere between her and Udai would be better. After all, she also wanted to know what good news her coworker had brought after a conversation with their vice director.

Putting away her phone, Tsubasa’s eyes wandered to where she last saw Udai’s back had disappeared. Making sure he hadn’t returned from there or from any other direction, she checked out what she was carrying in her small bag. She pulled out a small mirror and began to tidy up her appearance.

********************************************************

Udai closed the water faucet after drying his hair and face with a tissue. One last check to make sure his appearance was a little better than before, and he confidently walked out of the restroom.

Just before he rejoined Tsubasa, Udai stopped. Then he changed his direction. Instead of joining Tsubasa right away, Udai decided to stop by the cashier.

“Can I help you?”

“Ah,” Udai mentioned the number of the table where they were seated, “If that woman sitting right there orders the lunch menu like she ordered today on the other day, please tell the chef to remove the octopus pieces from the menu. She has a very bad octopus allergy.”

“Ah, alright then. I’ll let the chef know right away.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Udai and the cashier bowed to each other.