#ugh i dont think ill be allowed to go

[thursdayg1rl]

my friend actually invited me to go to the barbie movie omg

[letthebookbegin]

.

[widevibratobitch]

.

[toastsnaffler]

my graduation is supposed to be in august + im requesting to graduate in absentia but i feel terrible abt it bc im not telling my parents 😑

[trans-estinien]

Sometimes I feel like doing this with my brain

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[pienhime]

this has been on my mind a while (and i think its one of the main reasons the overseas menhera comm is almost dead) but i think that what is "anti recovery" vs what is "pro recovery" vs what is considered those things on social media are very different.

"pro recovery" isnt "dont talk about the ugly side of your illness, dont vent, dont make art thats graphic, and ur not allowed to just exist unless ur constantly every day making the effort for improvement and trying to prove it thru what u post!! and ofc, dont be negative!! uwu medical motifs ONLY in menhera so you dont romanticize", its "do what you need to do to survive the day. use art to cope with your feelings, talk about it, you are allowed to exist and while getting better is a noble goal, its okay to just survive right now".

"anti recovery" isnt just... having a restrictive ED, a self harm addiction, or using drugs, its not "ugh i feel like giving up", its not making fucked up art or talking with others about the more intense of your issues and posting damage reduction. its not making aesthetic textposts to vent out your feelings and urges so you dont actually do the bad thing. it is not anti-recovery to struggle with those things, but it is ableist to shame people who struggle with them. what IS anti-recovery is actively encouraging others to cut deeper, lash out at their loved ones, sending suibait to people, and peddling the idea that making progress in recovery at all makes you less yourself. its okay to vent ab wanting to do those things and feeling those ways, as long as you arent actually encouraging others to do them. but assuming that every coping mechanism people have thats "problematic" makes them a horrible person is anti recovery as hell. we are mentally ill, of course some of us will cope in ways that arent ideal, but its better than nothing.

yet people in mental health spaces somehow have totally changed the meanings of the terms, just like they have with "glorifying" and "demonizing", so that its harder for those of us who struggle with highly stigmatized things to have a place. it almost feels like these "safe spaces" demonize and stigmatize people with EDs, active self harmers, and drug users & addicts more than the outside world sometimes. we are treated like we are somehow problematic for having those symptoms, and as anti-recovery if we dare to talk about them.

and most of all, if you go into mental illness related tags... dont bitch and moan when u see someone acting mentally ill you fucking weirdo

[clownery-and-fuckery]

Alright buckle up here's my actual genuine reaction....

First episode:

First of all, I regret asking for more Hemlock, this was fantastically awful, I will not be recovering.

Second of all, that shaved clone has done things to me. Horrible, horrid things that made me actually pause it and look away. It made me physically ill, it was the worst. Great, but the worst.

The passage of time really did fucking get to me BUT HER LITTLE PONYTAIL UGH

crosshair..... I need a moment

EMERIE !!!! CANT STAND HER !!!!!!!!!!! SNITCH ASS BITCH

I literally don't care that she was allowed to keep the doll, btw. I dont give a shit. I hope Emerie dies in a fire.

nala se.... ew............

I think the whole episode was just pure horror, it was so fucking disgusting to watch, idk about you guys but watching the clone who had probably faced the true horror of SCI-FI warfare crying alone in his cell genuinely had me pausing the episode. Really great work there, Jennifer, I will be billing you for my therapy

Crosshair and Omega bonding !!! The little "What's your mission objective" was definitely a tactic he used on his brothers to have them pay attention, I refuse to acknowledge that he's the youngest, he just isn't. That's big brother keeping his little brother(s) on task behaviour.

Everything about Hemlock gave me chills. I love him. I hate him. I hope his guts cover the screen. I am fascinated by him.

I had a sneaking suspicion Emerie was taken under Hemlock's wing, and her undoing will be her endless loyalty to him... they did not have to say it as obviously as that, though. Glad they did.

Crosshair is sick. There is no way you show us all these sick, dying clones then Crosshair and expect us not to figure that out. He's going to die. His shaking is just the first symptom. I am not ready.

I definitely have more smaller notes I will make once I am not sobbing hysterically about it !!!!

Episode two!!:

This is the one that made me cry, actually.

Watching Wrecker and Hunter march in, quiet and covered in countless injuries, made me so sad. I couldnt recognise them. Those aren't my lads.

Wrecker begging hunter not to go because people didn't make it back.... hunter I get you're desperate, but you will NOT survive another brother being killed. I can't bear to watch him tear himself apart and neither can Wrecker.

WEEPED LIKE AN ACTUAL BABY WHEN I SAW THOSE CLONE BABIES.... THEYRE TOO YOUNG.

"99ers???" THERES FUCKING MORE ??????? I want to know the lore behind this line particularly.

Theyre so cute..... they're so CUTE ugh sedate me immediately

THE WAY HUNTER WAS LOST AT THE START BTW WITH THE TECH AND HE WAS GETTING FRUSTRATED AND HE IMMEDIATELY LOOKED TO OMEGAS STUFF AND LET HIS GRIP LOOSEN ON THE DATAPAD HE WSS THINKING OF HIS YOUNGEST TWO SIBLINGS I WILL NEVER FUCKING RECOVER DAVID AND JENNIFER LET THEM BE HAPPY !!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways that little fucker who was good with tech..... I see you. I love you.

They were so used to letting Tech do his thing.... they immediately moved to cover fire....... for a second they forgot it wasnt him, I'm weak

THE CRATE FROM S1 YOU HORRIBLE BASTARDS WHEN WILL YOU LET ME DIE

wrecker playing with the kids..... laughing with them....... ohh i will not cope when he dies.

Hes going to die, btw. In case you didn't know. I know. I am aware. I am unprepared. I dont want to discuss it.

PABU..... THEYRE GOING TO PABU WHEN I TELL YOU I SOBBED. MY MOTHER HAD TO HOLD ME. I WAS INCONSOLABLE FOR FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES!!!!!!

i cannot express my feelings for this episode.

Episode three!!!!!!:

I want that man. Yes, i do mean that masked man we saw for two seconds, I want him.

The Emperor had me actually screaming. I was so hyped. He scares me so bad.

Hemlock!!!!!! Evil !!!!!!!! CUNT !!!!!!!!!!!!

nala se was so obvious about her "Get tf out" speech..... why don't you say it louder, the whole fucking room couldn't hear you

The fucking timer. Chills. CHILLS.

Crosshair and Omega !!!! He was so unserious I love that

....sorry to all the lovers tho, have to say i DIED laughing at his "gUaRdS"

And the SCREAM he scrumpt when the door opened, who allowed that 😭😭 it was so fucking funny whbeisbwiba

They were so messy this entire ep, they're everything to me......

"Of course he did" DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING DIE ?!?!?!? WHO FUCKING GAVE YOU THE RIGHT CAUSE IT WASNT FUCKING ME

Crosshairs trigger finger shaking so bad he gave his position away....... that's a major fucking problem, isn't it? That's gonna bite him in the ass.

I want more of Hemlock having a damn tantrum, that was fantastic. Him this season has me in a chokehold. I can't wait to write more of him.

This entire season so far is amazing. I can't wait to watch more, there are so many more points I wanna make, I'm freaked. I'm so happy, I'm still crying, I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Making more coherent thoughts about them soon <3

[thewickerking]

mutual 1: WDYM none of you have heard explosion gun ???? theyre from the 1930s, sure but they literally made the best song ever [long title or series of numbers that have no meaning]

mutual 2: hey guys can you fill out this survey for my class? its about 15 minutes and it would mean a lot!! i love you

mutual 3: ughhhhh can this guy stop flirting with me? i told him to kill himself after he said [horrifically racist sentence] and he hasnt gotten the hint

mutual 4: im liveblogging a game from 12 years ago if you dont want spoilers im tagging my posts about it as #plwm3 liveblog !!

mutual 5: [poll] should i brutally murder this oc before or after he gets divorced

mutual 6: ok I knowwww im learning 6 languages rn but it would be so fun to learn russian.....

mutual 7: what do you mean you freaks dont dip your bananas in orange juice??? This is literally so normal why are you call me the weird one

mutual 8: just finished meeting up with mutual 9 irl it was so fun im gonna miss you now that you're home again </3

mutual 9: mutual 8 locked me in a basement for 4 hours and played clown music. i wish i couldve stayed longer

mutual 10: OMG THE NEW TRAILER FOR BRIMBLUS JUST DROPPED?????? EVERYONEEE LOOOOOOOK

mutual 11: my dad got me a milkshake breakdown cancelled everyone 🎉🎉

mutual 12: this post reminds me of *******

mutual 13: mutual ^ is talking about scorblo btw

mutual 12: HEY???? MUTUAL 13???? CAN YOU KILL YOURSELF????

mutual 14: [describes the most horrific repeated childhood trauma] but idk if im allowed to say i have mental illness cause im not diagnosed

mutual 15: guys do you think im more blue or purple coded :3

mutual 16: in response to all the transformers fandom callout calling me lesbophobic and racist: [ten paragraphs that make it clear they're clearly the only normal person in this scenario]

mutual 17: wait you guys are actually going to pumpkin patches? i thought those were made up ive never seen a pumpkin irl before...

mutual 18: guys can anybody see me. Please. No one's responding am I shadowbanned or do you all hate me [they're shadowbanned]

mutual 19: ugh this one customer keeps brutally murdering our servers at the restaurant i work at i wanna quit sooo bad but i might get promoted soon so idk

mutual 20: [reblogs a web weaving post about judas] UGH i need to fuck him sloppy style and **** ****** ***** **** *** ***

mutual 21: spam reblogs a genshin character

mutual 22: [screenshot of mutual 21s blog with filtered tags of the characters] you're lucky i care about you so much.

mutual 23: i think im losing my grip on reality. omg wait but look at this cute dog i saw walking home the other day

mutual 24: hi everyone! i just got back from a 6 month social media break :) hope everyones been doing well!

[cometrose]

yap about uhh zhongli and azhdaha (please)

I believe I already talked about zhongli and azhdaha but everytime i reread the last lines of their dialogue together I feel so ill, its just like getting sucker punched

first there are theories that azhdaha could be the geo dragon sovereign and I mean its certainly possible. First he is described as the "Lord of the Vishaps" and he lashes at Morax for being an usurper which is the first time this word has been brought up within the main story itself. Plus Morax also struggled to seal him away during the fight showing immense strength so maybe?? I am leaning towards this theory but I have no idea really.

It would make zhongli and azhdaha's relationship 10x more interesting but a billion times more complex.

But that aside reading through the zhongli's second story quest, I think its interesting how Jiu (evil azhdaha) refers to zhongli as a traitor/betrayer this could refer to the fact that morax sided with humanity to stop him or it could refer the heavens and the authority of the archons.

anyway im still crying because morax sharing his power with azhdaha to stop his erosion is so sad but he can't stop it so he has to watch his consciousness and reason turn to nothing. I can't imagine its not only finding a new enemy but losing a friend.

Azhdaha also holding Morax is very high esteem is also super interesting. Apparently in the chinese text it signals that morax had azhdaha's respect or support in the sense that if azhdaha was the geo dragon sovereign he willingly allowed morax to use his power.

I could talk forever but as you go through act II azhdaha recites a poem "a star appears within the wild...a sun ascends as bright as...jade" LISTEN my number 1 theory for what zhongli's true form is, is that he is a star, just a fallen star for the heavens, so not only is this line super important but it also reflects how much meaning morax had to azhdaha. A blind dragon yearning to see the sun, morax embodied that sun is almost every way.

azhdaha uses kun jun to track down morax but also senses morax is no longer than geo archon, i wonder how he found him then- just the scent of the divinity?

"even without a god above, this remains a nation of men. I was once their god. I ought to be here to witness their rise and fall." ugh zhongli please dont say such things

"you were always the strongest among us, yet it would seem that even you have been eroded" see now im confused and upset. zhongli says he struggled to seal azhdaha away but azhdaha also refers to zhongli as the strongest amongst them. the truth seems as that both of them were very close in power with zhongli just peaking over him. When it comes to their fight in the chasm, it seems morax fought azdhaha alone and out of the chasm while 3 of his adepti prepared the seal in Nantianmen. (fun fact you can see the stone formations where morax "dragged" azhdaha out of the chasm)

BUT azhdaha also says that morax came to him not as an assassin so he was willingly sealed away. BUT then zhongli is like the "movements of the Earth Dragon can tremble the earth and shake the heavens. with your abilities even at my full strength i struggled to confront you, let alone seal you away." First zhongli refers to him as Earth Dragon as in a title so wink wink nudge nudge are you the sovereign azhdaha? then zhongli kind of emplies he wouldn't have been able to seal azhdaha had he not consented to it, but azhdaha also believes zhongli was still stronger than him. I guess for now we have to accept both truths.

Also im upset please dont say such things, like the fact that zhongli has eroded in his own way makes me sad.

"you may live forever, doomed to a lonely existence...yet even this is temporary" FUCK. Like this is also part of the reason I think zhongli is a star, because eternal life? loneliness? the sun shines brightly all by itself casting a shadow on everyone and burning whoever gets too close. zhongli is bright and beautiful but he ends up losing everyone within his orbit, like this is so awful but like the adepti, the archons, azhdaha, guizhong like everyone close to him is always dying. even though he lives amongst humanity now he is still going to watch all of them die. someone hold me!!! Azhdaha does say he will meet all his companions at the end, but that could be an eternity away from now.

Also after this zhongli is like my lifespan can't compare to yours, the life of an elemental being is longer than anything but wait a second, in xianyun's story line she mentions that adepti are pure elemental beings. so like is he or is he not an elemental being. If he isn't why is he called the prime of the adepti, if he is why does he state that he could not compare to the lifespan of an elemental being. then again morax could be non-elemental being that just ascended to the title of adepti.

But- kun jun states that if he were not an elemental being morax would've killed him a long time ago, so maybe it's less of the lifespan but more to do with a cycle of rebirth. In the sense you cannot truly kill an elemental being as they will simply revive or come back to life thousands of years later. who knows!

"that day in the chasm? did you hesitate?" "a heart of stone is a heart nonetheless" I don't even want to talk about it, to this day this is still the most homoerotic line in the entire game. i feel so ill, want to throw up.

I'm kind of curious when zhongli and azhdaha met, because azhdaha is like I was there with Liyue's founder, as in he was there when the harbor was founded 3,700 years ago and was sealed 1,000 years ago. BUT liyue was founded before the end of the archon war, hell it was founded at the climax of the war, so were zhongli and azhdaha already partners when zhongli became the geo archon? If so it could grant more meaning to the idea that azhdaha approved of zhongli as in he accepted morax taking his authority IF he was the geo dragon sovereign.

"you're leaving?" dont talk like that zhongli it makes you sound (and me feel) pitiful

See also zhongli is like “centuries have past since the day azhdaha attacked but the events remain crystal clear in my mind” so like i feel zhongli erodes in a different way than azhdaha i don't think his memories are just degrading away.

BACK to the power thing, zhongli says despite being the victor he cannot claim to be stronger than azhdaha, because in his heart he still retained good will, and although he wished to be sealed away, erosion made him forget this wish. SO azhdaha says morax was stronger but zhongli says azhdaha was stronger.

In this situation, zhongli could be referencing power of will. In the sense that even though zhongli won the physical fight, azhdaha was still "stronger" than him because, despite losing his memories, he still retained goodness in his heart. I will leave the power thing between the two as "ambiguous" just for my peace. But zhongli could also be saying that erosion made azhdaha "weak" in some way and if not for that he could not have bested him in battle.

Erosion talk makes me sad, zhongli describes his erosion as "people abandon and surrender the things the love to pursue the right path". And god it hurts, he loved azhdaha, truly! But to protect liyue zhongli had to turn his back on his companions. there are probably so many people zhongli loved that he couldn't protect or couldn't be with to protect liyue.

Which is why I don't think I can be too harsh on him for stepping down as archon. Not only is erosion more dangerous the stronger the being is, but for a god that has lived so selflessly for all these years I cannot blame him for wanting to cherish the things he personally loves for once. But even then he still loves liyue so much he wants to watch them grow for many years.

So uh yeah azhdaha zhongli hurts me soooo because it was never meant to be, but there are a lot of theories out there that could change the dynamic of their relationship so I am just not sure. But i do like them together I wish azhdaha would come back simply because it would make zhongli happy.

[yinyuedijun]

(Hengfeng bleach anon) Mama Mao please do in fact write it please please I'm begging you the thought of being easy access... Free use.... for dh my dearest wife and for him to go wild....? It makes me so....... Please I am nothing but a hole for him 😔😔😔😔😔 USE ME DH— *I get dragged off the stage and into horny jail*

(i hope ur doing well mama mao :3 also pls turn on the option to prevent third parties on using data from ur blog bc apparently tumblr is allowing dudebros to use the data collect for AI stuff keep yourself safe!!)

HENGFENG BLEACH ANON DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT FREE USE AND DANHENG ILL LITERALLY GO CRAZY o-(--< UGH especially in his imbibitor lunae form where I think it's not only endless stamina but also a NEED to be inside you . don't talk to me about this or literally all I'll do is write straight up free use pwp LMFAOOO

thank you for the heads up also!! I will drag myself onto desktop for once 🫶 to turn it on! can't let those companies touch my dragonfucking content ....

[omegalomania]

every single time without fail theres some kind of nonsensical no-stakes "fall out boy vs my chemical romance" smackdown on tumblr dot hell theres always this little nest of fans who scream and cry and go "we shouldnt pit them against each other we are friends and cousins and holding hands!!!" and it always makes me think of how this wretched webbed site was circa 2015. some of you werent active at the time so ill tell you what that was like.

abap-era fandom was like an absolute bloodbath in the worst possible ways because that's when bandom on tumblr was like still at its peak but thats also when twenty one pilots was getting enormous so we had racists swarming out of the woodwork and a lot of people who didnt want to admit they were racist and all that fun stuff. and i just really really really remember quite vividly the way that pete was building up hype for the boys of zummer tour by saying "you are NOT gonna expect who we go touring with" and ofc everyone started theorizing and going wild and pulling out whatever big name they could think of. blink-182 was one of the big ones but the other really really big one i remember was everyone saying "oh my chemical romance is gonna reform and they're gonna tour with my chem!!!" you know, my chemical romance, the band that was broken up for 2 years at this point, the band that wasn't a band anymore.

anyway they announce the boys of zummer tour with wiz khalifa and naturally, again, the racists come crawling out of whatever anal cavities theyd been sleeping in to be like MUH MUH MUH fob is touring with a rAPPER UGH can i SKIP wiz's set i don't feel SAFE in that CROWD and it was, you know, generally disgusting shit coming out of the fob fandom but on top of that we had inexplicably rly salty my chem fans ALSO piling on the racism because they built up the hype for this magical reformation that wasnt going to happen and had no indication of happening. so imagine if you will, what was roughly the equivalent of if you were trying to clean a shitton of nuclear waste out of your house that was corroding everything and making the entire place Uninhabitable and then out of nowhere your neighbors decided that that they were going to start bailing in more garbage through the window like they were absolutely fucking stone cold determined to make your home the goddamn elephants foot forcing you to deal with THAT in addition to all the other, preexisting garbage you were already struggling to deal with.

so yes, you know, sure. our bands both got big at the same time and the scene didnt fucking like them and all they had was each other at the start. and, sure, our fandoms are cousins or family or whatever because of that. but you know, that doesnt mean i want to deal with the racist cousin coming around every so often actually. maybe i dont want to hang out with the racist cousin. maybe im going to tell the racist cousin to fuck off and stop coming around unless they feel up to cleaning up their act. maybe i dont like the racist cousin, and im tired of making allowances for them.

[ase-trollplays]

The Need For Space

Vvv Can I call ya Thiomi instead a Mimi from now on? vvV

..aww... why don't you want to call me 'mimi' anymore?...

Vvv Same reason I started sayin' Dan instead a Danny. I'm six sweeps now. I ain't a wriggler anymore, an' sayin' Mimi is a wriggler thing. vvV

...if thats how you feel... then its okay with me if you call me my full name instead...

Vvv Thanks, Thiomi. vvV

------------------------------------------------------

Vvv Can we go ta the city tonight? vvV

...oh... uh... s-sure...

Vvv ... Yer still sad about yer face, aren't ya? vvV

... ...y... yeah... ...i am...

Vvv Havin' scars ain't somethin' ta feel bad about. Scars mean ya survived what tried ta kill ya. Me an' Dan an' Corali are covered in them. You even have other scars, and they don't make you feel bad. Why are the new ones different? vvV

...i dont have these s-scars because i s-survived... ...i have them because s-someone wanted to hurt and upset me...

Vvv Well, what about the scar on yer arm I gave ya when I was little? I was tryin' ta hurt ya, an' yer not worried about people seein' that one. vvV

...thats different... ...you didnt know better when you did that... ...the person who cut me up knew exactly what s-she was doing to me...

Vvv Well, that's just more reason not ta be upset. You bein' afraid ta let other people see you means she won! vvV

...varoll... please... ...its not that s-simple...

Vvv Why ain't it?? vvV

...can we s-stop talking about this??!...

Vvv !!! vvV

...i... ...im s-so s-sorry... ...i didnt mean to yell at you...

Vvv 'S fine. I'll ask Dan ta take me instead. vvV

------------------------------------------------------

...you want to go alone?...

Vvv Yeah. I ain't a wriggler anymore. I can go ta the city by myself. I know what the streets an' stuff are an' how ta get ta places, and I always keep my knife in my pocket an' my arrows in my strife deck if I gotta fight. vvV

...but youve never been there without me or dantli with you... ...are you s-sure you dont want one of us there?...

Vvv Yeeesssss, ugh, you don't have ta act like I'm still a little kid. I can take care a myself. I live all by myself in the swamps an' I been just fine--

...because you have your lusus to protect you... ...s-shes never more than s-shouting distance away from you...

Vvv Yeah, okay, but I also like, hunt and kill things way bigger than me! An' ya don't gotta problem with that! Why's goin' ta the city by myself such a big deal?? vvV

...because trolls arent like animals... ...trolls are a lot more dangerous... ...animals dont use weapons... or lie to you to hurt you!...

Vvv An' I killed trolls, too! Plus, I'm the highest blood color, so I'm allowed ta hurt or kill people lower caste than me anyways! vvV

...you s-shouldnt be thinking like that!...

Vvv I'm not! I'm just sayin' if I get in a fight I ain't gonna be in heaps a trouble like Corali! Why're ya makin' this hard?? vvV

...im just worried!...

Vvv An' I'm tellin' ya not ta be cuz I can take care a myself! vvV

...varoll kaydur... do not take that tone with me!...

Vvv Yer the one yellin'!"

...im not--!... ...im not yelling...

Vvv Yeah ya were! If yer gonna be mad about it, then fine. I ain't goin'. Happy now?! vvV

...of course im not... ...youre angry with me...

Vvv I just want you an' Dan ta stop treatin' me like I'm still little. I can do stuff without y'all, ya know. I don't need ya glued ta me all the time anymore. vvV

...youre right... ...i guess im just having trouble letting you grow up...

Vvv So... I can go? vvV

...ill talk it over with dantli... ...if he s-says yes... then you can go on your own...

Vvv Yes!! vvV

[gojipink]

my beloved goji🩷🩷🩷 tell me, how do your favs spoil you after a long day? like they know you’ll be tired when you get home & they haven’t stopped thinking about the kiss you shared before you left the house & now they just want to pamper you as soon as you get home

GASP omfg luna this is such a perfect question <3!!!!!!

all the boys know im a sucker for some acts of service and quality time hehe and by that i mean fking

alhaitham's timed everything perfectly so that the second im back home, he's finishing up cooking dinner. he greets me at the door and holds me steady as i completely slump into him when the exhaustion hits. after helping me take off my coat and shoes, he leads me to the dinner table and serves me his homemade dinner. he rolls his eyes at me when i half-jokingly ask him to feed me but he surprises me a little when he spoons up some food and blows on it before feeding me the first bite ♡ our dinner is comfortably quiet since he knows i dont have the energy to talk that much and his unoccupied hand travels around attentively massaging any tired muscles that he can reach. after finishing our dinner i stand in front of the sink ready to take care of the dishes to help him out but he comes up behind me snaking his arms around me preventing me from doing anything. pressing lingering kisses along the tops of my shoulder and neck, he whispers "let's go take a hot bath, hm? ill take care of you there" ❀˖°

diluc's been waiting for me to come home all day :( his mind mostly focused on his work throughout the day but occasionally drifts to me and the scorchingly passionate kiss i gave him in the morning (i 100% did it on purpose and just wanted to see him blush kekeke) unfortunately, our schedules are the slightest bit off so by the time he's done with his work ive already trudged through the mansion with tired bones and made it up to our shared bedroom to take a shower. when he reaches the room he finds me half plopped on the bed still wrapped up in only a towel, too tired to even muster up the energy to find clothes. laughing a little bit to himself, he kneels down in between my legs planting a soft kiss to both knees, hands kneading my calves. kisses traveling higher up my thighs as he whispers against my skin, "welcome home, my love" ⋆⭒˚.⋆

kaeya (ugh my perfect baby boy god i miss him) kaeya's actually the one who pulled me into the searing kiss this morning before i left. i found him in the kitchen finishing up his morning coffee going in for a short n sweet goodbye kiss before he set his mug down using one hand to cup my jaw the other tangling in my hair, slightly pulling to tilt my head up. pulling away he looks smug saying something about how that should give me the energy i need for the day (didnt hear all of what he said my brain way too hazy). kaeya's been observing me this whole past week and he's noticing how drained im slowly getting and he pulls out all the stops to make sure i get a relaxing night off <3 i come home absolutely dead tired and he's there at the door helping with my bag and shoes and to give me the sweetest hello kiss. walking further into the living room he surprises me with an intimate little set up of wine and a charcuterie board on a soft blanket in front of the fireplace. doesnt allow me to move a muscle while he feeds me fruits and cheeses, the whole night filled with soft sighs and giggles. throughout the night, he doesnt stop looking at me with stars in his eyes while he whispers praises against my skin, "my gorgeous girl... such a goddess all laid out pretty just for me...been working so hard lately, let me take care of my princess." ✧₊⁺

:0 I DIDNT MEAN TO WRITE WHOLE ASS BLURBS I PROMISE AND YET HERE WE ARE

[dramamines]

TW Vent below, mentions of SH

ugh ive never vented here and im not planning on making it a regular thing, but i recently had to delete discord so im gonna be talking into the void abt this instead. last night i had to take melatonin to sleep for the first time in ages, and read my book for an hour to calm the anxiety i was having. my mum went through my phone (she does respect my privacy, so she wasn't reading messages or looking through my pinterest, just checking what apps i had downloaded and the screentime has done today). she did find some tumblr screentime, not a large enough amount for her to think i use it regularly, and i made up a lie on the spot that saved me. she's become rlly paranoid abt my internet usage again bc she just had a cybersafety talk at school (shes a teacher) and was told horror stories abt online murders and child p0rn exploitation and shit. she kept asking me if i talk to strangers online, which i do, and how she wouldnt be mad or surprised, but just wants me to be safe. i kept lying bc i was too scared to tell her, and am sure that ill be made to get off tumblr and abandon all my online friends. i just dont think she would understand the benefits of it, even if i told her, and is too scared of me getting hurt, despite that fact that i AM safe on here and block weirdos and dont share personal info. if i didnt have tumblr i wouldnt have gotten in to lots of my favourite fandoms, wouldnt have continued doing art, and until now, ive been much happier being online. she would never let me get tumblr, its listed as a 17+ app on the app store, and she's too scared to allow me anything remotely online, pinterest and yt are as far as she'll go. i know it wouldnt put me in danger if i told her, i would be in more trouble if she found out, cause then i would have been lying to her, but i dont want to lose what ive created. im just so angry at myself for getting into and online community, bc despite loving it and knowing that i wouldnt be as into art or happy, its causing me so much anxiety rn, and i just want to hurt myself for being so stupid. last night i didnt SH, but i wanted to, because i was so angry with myself. ive never SH'd before, and i dont want to start, but i should have known better. my parents both have such high expectations of me, and think they've 'won the lottery with their perfect daughter, who would never do anything wrong or do anything her parents didnt approve of'. i just dont want them to be disappointed in me, bc im sure they would, and they claim nothing i do can surprise them, but i honestly have no clue how they would react if i told them everything. i hope that in a few days my mum will go back to normal and stop being so paranoid abt the internet, but im honestly terrified, and have been feeling anxious since last night. the problem is if i told her how anxious i was feeling, and the reasoning behind it, she would blame it on me being on social media, and i wouldnt be allowed it ever again. im not going to tell her anything unless it gets rlly bad or she finds out, but im just so angry with myself, and i dont think i deserve to be feeling this way bc i have an essentially perfect irl life. i get good grades, i have good friends, i live in a good neighborhoood, and my parents arent bad peole, theyre not conservative, and it wouldnt be the end of the world if i told them, but im not ready to give it all up yet.

if you read this far, im sorry, i was just rambling theres no sense in what i said, this is just an outlet for me

[spikeinthepunch]

Penrose: Dawning- the dev blog

Okay well my game has been up for a few days now, and the Jam is over so yeah, why not give a massive blog about it and the development and characters and feelings etc.

again this was quite a feat for me, so to say. as small as the game is. ive been struggling a ton for years and years, so the process and experience has stuck with me for the last month.

The personal

If you have followed and read some of my posts from the last month youd probably seen me talking about having seen a neurophysiologist-- my appointments for that were happening for quite a while before this month but this month was the end of it. Aside from it clearly being a huge stressor in general, it was also a huge eye opener to my problems. Which yeah, include my ability to Make Things. Not art- but everything else. The listening & reading comprehension, math and memory I tested on being really really bad. And it was great to understand that now! but having decided to take on the Jam was a lot and well, even though on one hand i felt good that I knew my issues.... it didn't mean i solved my issues. Now i was just way more away of them.

So, I tried my hardest I think because I knew I'd always give up on this stuff. And well, my mood meds were still kinda helping. I think there was a different kind of determination despite the upset that some of those tests caused me. Still, I faced a lot of anxiety, frusteration, and upsetting feelings in the process because of how hard it was for me to learn even the smallest things. I won't go super hard on that-- I just want to appreciate the small community of Narrat for being able to help and clarify my confusion even if I'd often say to myself "ugh, that was such a simple thing! i shouldnt need to get it clarified two times over!" etc etc.

still despite the variety of emotions i faced i came out of this really thinking 'wow i actually made something' because literally all these years i have never realized a larger project due to my issues. so for that i can be happy.

The development

the process of making this game was interesting because obvious i had never put my assumptions about the best way to develop to the test. i could think all the while "ill do this first, this second etc" but until you start making it you may realize you gotta do something else!

the fact this was only a month long didnt really give me much time to figure out better ways to develop, it i was already a ways into it. so i came out realizing what i could do diffferent. one thing for sure is i know i couldnt start with art. its just not possible in general to predict the art i would need clearly, because even if i were to write a lot, i felt that making dialog branches was much easier while i was coding because i never knew how far i would want them to go.

but also, in terms of writing- i already write a lot and i kinda have my mental process. getting that to work with the game was tough, and while i liked how i wrote for this game, i feel like it faltered in the sense that writing so many bits of it entirely away from each other had my struggling to make sure i felt connected. like, writing on one huge document allows me to easily refer back and having it all together makes it flow well in my head. but having them scattered around code was hard for me to track and i was never sure if it all felt like it connected up well. i also think in general if i wrote most of the important chunks- stuff not incredibly reliant on branches/choices- that i probably would have written waaaay more too. its just a format of writing that is natural.

there isnt too much as i did in the game coding wise so i dont have too many comments on development process. but i know i would like to make games in narrat that use the typical features found in games like DE (as the engine was inspired by), like stats/skills and maybe inventory depending on the thing.

The story & design

i dont plan to explain the story in detail here (a lot of secret context it on my discord) and i have talked loads about trying to write the themes its tackled.

the main thing about it is just that i have never properly realized Penrose and well. I was facing a creative block this last month which caused more struggles. But it was harder with art- mostly design. coming up with a design is harder in a block than reading a thing that says "draw a series of houses". thinking up something new is not easy. and my head also gets very stuck up in "if you design this and draw it, you can never change it".

Eden was pulled from my old unused RP character, Eden Creature, and so i was able to base her off something already. even so making anything at all was hard- even for Mick who already existed. I really didnt want her and Eden to revert back into my old style because its just no me anymore but at the same time i do want to get something unique for this story. Dawning does not reflect what I want exactly. I like what i managed to do esp in working with my time constraints. but, its not something i want to keep doing going forward.

the story was WAY more condensed than i thought it would be and its because i didnt really realize how quickly approaching the deadline was compared to my work. but at the same time i am glad it was? i was quite ambitious with how big i wanted this "proof of concept" to be, to where i definitely probably would have gotten farther in the plot and realized i had no clue exactly what I wanted.

because i do have a general idea of this story but not like. enough. and so shortening the story hugely for this demo was actually a good thing because i would have had to write a lot more and also probably wouldnt have been able to explain lore well enough because of how little i understood my own world. and when youre creative blocked its incredibly hard trying to development of that world too.

conclusion

i mentioned it breifly in a blog post but tbh the most scary part is having it hit that i am nervous has to how people will take my characters. not in a criticism kinda way but just the idea that people just wont really 'get' them. and even just the idea that my OCs have been "presented to the world" in some sense. i do stuff in my own little space all the time and never think about what it would really be like to put a game on itch.io or even like publish a proper animation on youtube or publish a book or something. its different and its weird because i have always thought to myself that i want people to see my OCs! but then i put it up in a place where it likely will be seen and I am afraid of that.

its probably for it being a first time. and also i need to learn confidence in this kind of work i was so into thinking i could never truly make because of my issues. this was still like, very very hard to do mentally etc and i feel very exhausted. but i really dont want this to be the first and last time i try and make something.