#understanding of how racism and science were related at the time and thought myself to be a true liberal (I wasn't) ( andthat's kinda true

[fulgursmediaanalysisdrama]

Nihilism is a positive, life affirming philosophy. Something my christian mother couldn't, or didn't want to, understand

And Schoppenhauer is interesting but only worth anything when you conclude he is wrong

Berserk as a Nietzschean Tragedy — Art, Morality, Affirmation by Jonas Čeika

[ascalonianpicnic]

so the twisted marionette is back and it seems like a good time for this~ @mystery-salad requested I do an essay on Scarlet and discrimination in STEM so~

Warning: discussions of sexism, racism, and ableism. If I got anything wrong (in terms of real world issues) or was disrespectful in any way about certain subjects please let me know

Hey, let's talk about Scarlet Briar. 

More specifically, I wanna talk about Ceara, and how she became Scarlet Briar. Because I'm a gay mathematician and former computer science major, and I think Scarlet is cool.

So let's start here. STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) is a heavily male dominated set of fields and career paths. A few decades back in the real world, there was this deep set societal belief, at least in western society, that cis women were just "worse" at STEM related things like math and chemistry. It's not as visible of an issue now, but, like I said, STEM fields are still really male dominated, and that's because STEM fields still have a massive issue with sexism. Women have full on left the field due to the sexism they faced in workplaces in just the last decade. Trans women in STEM share really interesting and important personal accounts about how before transitioning, they were treated with respect, offered high level jobs, and entrusted with loads of responsibility, and how post transition, despite having even more experience, are offered significantly lower level jobs, worse pay, and are all around treated like they know less. STEM has a sexism problem. 

So, why is this important to Scarlet? Well, her backstory and her life before Omadd's Machine actually tie in to this real world issue in a really fascinating way. It's about Respect. And Scarlet's story is about how she was denied respect over and over, because she was a sylvari, because she was a woman, and because she was neurodivergent. Let's talk about Ceara. 

Ceara was a sylvari secondborn, and an engineer from the start. She emerged from the Pale Tree when her race was still brand new to the world and largely unknown. She spent 8 years of her life studying all the Grove had to offer her about mechanics and nature and the universe. She was born curious and as such, was determined to learn everything and anything she could get her hands on. After her time in the Grove, Ceara left, off to find new teachers and extend her knowledge further. After the Grove cane Beigarth, a famed norn smith. He gladly took Ceara under his wing, seeing her genius and potential. For a year, she trained under him, his best student. Then, much to his dismay, she left, feeling she had learned all he could offer about what she wanted to know. She moved south, going to study under iron legion gladium and demolitionist Asagai. Asagai was an old charr, and it took some convincing on Ceara's end, but she eventually took the sylvari in and taught her about gunsmithing and artillery. And after two years, Ceara moved on again, this time heading for Rata Sum and its colleges. 

The asura of Rata Sum did Not like Ceara. She had to fight to be allowed to study at the colleges. She won in the end, being admitted into the college of Dynamics. Within a year, she finished the course work, and, feeling like she was finally getting somewhere, she applied again, this time getting admitted to Statics. Two years and two colleges down, at the top of her class both times, Scarlet still wanted more. The Arcane council was curious now if she could keep this streak up, so they let her enter Synergetics. This was what she had been looking for, and she got deep into her studies, taking her time. The Arcane council was unimpressed with her work at best. While not driven from the colleges, she found herself being walked off and looked down on more and more, so she sought other sources. These other sources, both of knowledge and support, came from the inquest, and it wasn't long before she fell in deep. It didn't last, however. When the krewe she was working with ran into trouble, she was abandoned as a scapegoat, and thrown out of the asuran colleges. She wandered on her own for a while, taking the time to study alchemy with the michotl hylek, but mostly keeping to herself. Until Omadd found her, pulled her back into his personal research, and, with her help, built Omadd's machine. Once it was finished, Ceara walked in, and Scarlet walked out. 

Sexism in STEM means that people perceived as female are often perceived as knowing or understanding less than they actually do. It's because of this that you'll find young cis male students in STEM classes trying to correct or speak over their female presenting professors. It's why you'll find men at science conferences telling the women presenting for certain topics that they don't seem to understand the topic they're covering or grasp the basics that well, and then recommending or referencing books and research papers written by these women. It means that women will often be overlooked for internships, research positions, and grants. And that is the sort of thing Scarlet faced as a young woman trying to learn everything she could. She had to work for the apprenticeships she could get, and with Beigarth, despite how highly he thought of her, she had to work harder to prove she was ready for more each step of the way. Finding anyone to teach her at all among the charr was a struggle, until an older woman took her in. And no one in Rata Sum took her seriously. 

There was more than just the fact that Scarlet was a woman at play with Rata Sum though. As stated, STEM has a bad sexism problem. But that's not all. STEM isn't just mostly men, but also mostly white men, and as such, the fields have a bit of a racism problem as well. Personally, I can only speak so much to this as I myself am white, have never faced racism, and never will face racism. I do know that the intelligence, skill, and effort of people of color goes largely unacknowledged. They will be denied the same opportunities and respect that their white peers receive, and their work and contributions will be ignored, exploited, and stolen. 

Racism in Tyria isn't the same as it is in the real world, though it is still present there, and prevalent. And it is something Scarlet has to face and struggle with repeatedly as a sylvari. The sylvari are young and new to Tyria. Because of this, the other prominent groups all tend to think of sylvari as innocent, ignorant, and overly naive. The asura are especially bad about this. They already think of themselves as the smartest of Tyria's inhabitants, above everyone else. And when they first encounter the sylvari, the asura refuse to believe this new group could even be sentient. So, when 11 year old Ceara shows up at the colleges, the Arcane Council and the asura in general doubt she could possibly understand asuran studies. She's a sylvari, after all, and just a girl on top of that. There's surely no way she could keep up. 

So when this young sylvari girl finishes at the top of her class in just a year, not once but twice, the Arcane council is intrigued. They don't respect her. They don't hold her work in high esteem. But they do want to know if this is some sort of fluke or if she can do it again. So she's admitted into the third and final college, and when she gets caught up in her studies, genuinely interested and invested in what she's learning and wanting to take her time to take it all in, the Council is disappointed. Never mind that Scarlet has already done what no other non-asura has. She took too long doing what she loved, learning, so the Council dismisses her, and dismisses her hard work. Her theories are looked down upon and ignored, and she is left with only support from Omadd, who can use her and her theories for his own gain, and the inquest. Omadd and the inquest make her feel valued and respected. The inquest let's her try anything she wants, it lets her really explore the fields of study she's most drawn to. The inquest makes sure to profit off her hard work and, when it comes down to it, the inquest leaves her to take the fall for everything. It's easy, after all, to pin the blame on someone already so looked down on by the society she's in. Scarlet is kicked out of the colleges and the city. She loses her access to information, her belongings, and even her own research and findings. All her hard work, taken from her because the inquest was more than glad to use a sylvari. 

And then of course, there's Omadd. He was glad to have Scarlet as a lab assistant, and endlessly fascinated by and supportive of her work. So once she's gone from Rata Sum, he leaves too, taking her research and starting on his own personal project. He gets stuck, he seeks Scarlet out, and he convinces her to help him again. Once Scarlet is back on board, the project goes smoothly and the two construct Omadd's Machine. Omadd's. Despite being built off Scarlet's theories and research, despite her being integral to the construction of this machine, it's Omadd's and it carries his name. Funny how that happens, isn't it? And once the machine is up and running, he thinks Scarlet should test it first. Who knows what could happen in there, better to leave it up to the assistant to try it out, and frame it as her getting the honor of the first try. As we all know, it goes poorly. Scarlet learns so much more, all the knowledge she had been seeking for over a decade, but in return, the seeds of Mordremoth are planted in her mind and slowly take over, destroying her. 

Now Scarlet, who has been used and devalued and disrespected and infantilized every step of the way, her whole life, is going to start tearing down the things that held her back for so long. She just needs a plan, and with the help of a certain sleeping dragon, one begins to form. 

There's something I glossed over earlier that is so important to note, and that's how Scarlet was treated in the Grove. Now, it's been stated explicitly by Scott McGough, a narrative designer for the fame, that Scarlet emerged with lacking empathy. Low empathy doesn't make Scarlet, or anyone, a bad person. It's sometimes a symptom of autism, as well as some personality disorders, and it does affect how Scarlet is treated. As an autistic person myself, Scarlet very much reads as autistic to me, between low empathy, a one track mind, and an intense special interest in the universe and its mechanics. She has a hard time connecting with others, is easily bored by subjects that don't relate back to her special interest, can focus intently on and get caught up in her work, and doesn't really get social graces or expectations. Regardless of any diagnosis she would have if she existed in our world, Scarlet is treated differently due to her low empathy, a trait she cannot help about herself. 

From the moment she emerges in the Grove, she is treated differently. She is talked down to. Her desire to take in her first sights and how it overwhelms her is dismissed as overconfidence and rudeness. Her own brother, barely older than her, talks like he knows so much more than her. Scarlet is an outsider among her own people. How does it feel to have low empathy among a race connected to each other deeply through empathy? Probably not great. Her studies in the Grove are limited, she is treated as rude and prideful for wanting to be independent and needing space. Rather than being accommodated, rather than being understood, Scarlet is infantilized, dismissed, and disregarded. She isn't neurotypical. She was born different. She's punished for it. 

When she emerges from Omadd's Machine, made from her own hard work and creativity, Scarlet Briar is a young woman who has frequently been overlooked and rarely understood. All these thoughts and ideas, all this passion, and the only people who have ever even seemed to understand her have used and betrayed her so thoroughly. Scarlet Briar has always had to look out for and take care of herself, as a woman, as a sylvari, as someone who is neurodivergent and is in a field that doesn't respect a single aspect of her identity. The world won't accommodate her and the world won't take her seriously. So why shouldn't she show the world what she can do? Why not force everyone to recognize her for who she is? Why not give in just a little to that voice that has been calling to her in her nightmares since she left the machine? After all, it promises power and recognition and a sense of belonging. 

[girlactionfigure]

There is a popular quote that circulates every once in a while that reads “One person can make a difference and everyone should try.”

This individual holds a special place in my heart and also the hearts of many long-time Peace Page followers, who found this page after reading a simple story which mentioned her and which became one of the most popular posts on the Peace Page. Her name is Harriet Glickman, she is the teacher who decided to write a letter to Charles Schulz and ask him if he could create a black character on his Peanuts comic strip - that character would become Franklin, one of the first black characters in a popular comic strip. Harriet Glickman passed away Friday morning, March 27, 2020, at her home in Sherman Oaks. She was 93. Her passing was reported by a Peanuts-based website, which quoted a personal friend who said, her passing was "peaceful, in her sleep" and that the former schoolteacher had been "well prepared for this." They say representation matters, and Franklin, even though he was a fictional character, was noticed by many who did not feel they were being represented enough during those days. The original Peace Page post started: "On July 31, 1968, a young, black man was reading the newspaper when he saw something that he had never seen before. With tears in his eyes, he started running and screaming throughout the house, calling for his mom. He would show his mom, and, she would gasp, seeing something she thought she would never see in her lifetime. Throughout the nation, there were similar reactions. "What they saw was Franklin Armstrong's first appearance on the iconic comic strip "Peanuts." Although Charles Schulz deserves the accolades and credit for having the courage to create Franklin and standing by him when he started receiving racist demands to remove him, it was all started by a school teacher who decided to write a simple letter. "Harriet has a very interesting place in history," according to The LAist. "In 1968, she wrote to 'Peanuts' creator Charles Schulz asking him to do something remarkable at the time: integrate his famous comic strip." "Harriet Glickman was a white, 42-year-old suburban Los Angeles school teacher and mother raising three children when Martin Luther King was assassinated in 1968," according to the Press Telegram. According to NPR, she wrote, “Since the death of Martin Luther King, 'I’ve been asking myself what I can do to help change those conditions in our society which led to the assassination and which contribute to the vast sea of misunderstanding, hate, fear and violence.'” Glickman decided to write a letter to Schulz, not knowing whether he would actually read it or even whether he would receive the letter. Glickman was especially aware of the power of comics among the young. “And my feeling at the time was that I realized that black kids and white kids never saw themselves [depicted] together in the classroom,” she said in the Washington Post. She hoped this would bring the country together and show people of color that they are not excluded from American society. At the time, Schulz, the creator of the enormously popular “Peanuts” comic strip, was already being "published in hundreds of newspapers around the United States reaching nearly 100 million readers," according to the Press Telegram. Surprisingly, Schulz did respond, but wasn't sure whether it would be right, coming from him, he didn't want to make matters worse, he felt that it may sound condescending to people of color. Glickman persisted, however, continuing her correspondence with Schulz, even having black friends write to Schulz and explain to him what it would mean to them. She told Schulz that "the gentleness of the [Peanuts would be] 'the perfect setting' for such representation," according to CBR. “I am well aware of the very long and tortuous road ahead,” she added. “I’m sure one doesn’t make radical changes in so important an institution without a lot of shock waves from syndicates, clients, etc. You have, however, a stature and reputation which can withstand a great deal.” This conversation would continue until one day, Schulz told Glickman to check her newspaper on July 31, 1968. On that date, the cartoon, as created by Schulz, shows Charlie Brown meeting a new character, named Franklin. Other than his color, Franklin was just an ordinary kid who befriends and helps Charlie Brown. In a speech at American University of Health Sciences in Signal Hill, California in 2018, talking to a group of children and adults, Glickman said, the 1960s in the United States was “a time long before any of you were born, a time when not everyone was understanding of other people, when young African Americans couldn’t go to the same beach as white children and when schools were separate.” According to the Press Telegram, the Rev. Gregory Johnson, co-founder of American University of Health Sciences who invited Glickman to the event, said he wanted her to know what a profound effect her action with Schulz had on him. “I appreciate so much what you did in improving relations. I wouldn’t be here without you,” he said. Glickman was born in Sioux City, Iowa, and lived in Chicago before moving to Southern California and a job in the Burbank School District and eventually UCLA before retiring. Glickman explained in previous interviews that her parents were "concerned about others, and the values that they instilled in us about caring for and appreciating everyone of all colors and backgrounds — this is what we knew when we were growing up, that you cared about other people . . . And so, during the years, we were very aware of the issues of racism and civil rights in this country [when] black people had to sit at the back of the bus, black people couldn’t sit in the same seats in the restaurants that you could sit . . . Every day I would see, or read, about black children trying to get into school and seeing crowds of white people standing around spitting at them or yelling at them . . . and the beatings and the dogs and the hosings and the courage of so many people in that time." Glickman, according to The LAist, said someone once commented to her that "‘It took courage [to do what she did, to make a stand].’ I said, ’No it didn’t, it didn’t take courage for me to sit in Sherman Oaks in my comfortable home with my three children and type a letter.'" "Courage," she said, "was little Ruby Bridges, the little girl who integrated a school in the south who had to come with the National Guard with people spitting at her and yelling at her and throwing things at her and the parents who drew their children out. That was courage." Because of Glickman, because of Schulz, people around the world were introduced to a little boy named Franklin, and even today, when Franklin is mentioned, fond memories are evoked, such as those like the young, black man, who with tears in his eyes, started running and screaming throughout the house because he was introduced to Franklin for the first time. Barbara Brandon-Croft, the first African American woman to have a nationally syndicated comic strip in the mainstream press, was 10 years old in 1968, said, “I remember feeling affirmed by seeing Franklin in ‘Peanuts.’ ‘There’s a little black kid! Thank goodness! We do matter.’" When the Peace Page first shared its story about Franklin's birth, one Peace Page reader commented, "I normally don't comment on Facebook but I feel compelled to now. As a black child growing up in the 70's and 80's U grew up in mostly white neighborhoods. One of the most difficult things at that time is my sense of where I belonged in the world. I didn't have anybody in my position i could relate to on TV or in the movies. Then I started reading Peanut cartoons and I met Franklin and I saw myself for once. As a character, Franklin was so important to me I named my third son after him. thank you . . . for helping me find my place." That Peace Page story has now reached 22,498,877 people, receiving 2,091,450 reactions. It has inspired an Upworthy article and has been shared all over the world, including by media companies in Australia and Italy. When the Peace Page contacted the Charles M. Schulz Museum in Santa Rosa, California, one of the representatives said that Glickman regularly visited the museum and she was fondly called "Franklin's Mom." When she saw that Peace Page post, she commented on the Peace Page, "It's always a joy for me to share the Franklin story. I consider him my fourth child and he is very much loved." In the speech in 2018 at American University of Health Sciences, she told the audience that it still “feels like yesterday [when Franklin was introduced].” She said some things have changed, but others have not. “We still have so many problems on how we see each other,” she said in an article by the Press Telegram. She told the children: “You can make a difference in making the world a better place. When you see something that makes you feel angry or upset, don’t just complain, do something about it. And remember that we all care for each other; we’re all the same loving, caring people.” She then autographed a book introducing Franklin to Charlie Brown, “Nice to Meet You, Franklin!” and urged each youngster “to make a difference.” Thank you, Harriet Glickman, also, for making a difference and making the world a better place. [Photo courtesy of CBR]

The Jon S. Randal Peace Page

[hopetofantasy]

‘HUMO’s big youth survey - Politics, society and religion’ - With Nora Dari (part 1)

- TW: corona pandemic, mental health, sickness, religion, islamophobia, racism, cancel culture -

Who better to test out the results of HUMO’s brand new ‘youth survey’ than a trio of three young gods? Bouba Kalala (23) made the switch between ‘Studio Brussel’ and the social media-team of the ‘SP.A’ - sorry, ‘Vooruit’. Céleste Cockmartin (21), daughter of sexologist and politician Goedele Liekens, just started her third year of neuropsychology in Maastricht. Nora Dari (19) portrays the beautiful Yasmina in the wildly popular ‘wtFOCK’. ‘If we don’t rise up to the streets, a lot of things will remain the same.’

- Note from hopetofantasy: ‘SP.A’, soon to be rebranded as ‘Vooruit’, is a social democratic political party -

For the past quarter of the century, HUMO surveyed every new batch of youngsters, but never before did we had to include a pandemic in our questionnaire. It’s a first! And even though the youth isn’t the most popular target of the virus, they’ll emerge from the corona crisis with scars on them too.

Half of young people thinks life will never return to what it was before. The girls are even more pessimistic than the boys. Nora Dari: “I wouldn’t call us pessimistic: we weren’t on the right track at all. This is one big wake-up call. I’ve never felt as alone yet together as during lockdown. On social media, we were already used to our own bubble. Then suddenly, all these bubbles began to look the same and everyone kept talking about the same thing.”

Bouba Kalala: “For one moment, the crisis showed us how good the world could be. I even started to cry at the drone images of VTM. I think we’ll bring that unity with us to the post-corona era.” Nora Dari: “When my mom stepped on the bus with her hijab before this, she would have gotten the side-eye. Now people scowl at those without mouth-masks. Weird how fast everything can change.” Bouba Kalala: “My grandpa experienced the war, we lived through a pandemic. Shit happens. When the Germans threw bombs on England, everyone re-emerged after the bombardments, re-opened their shops and even made jokes about it - ‘Everything at explosive prices!’. That’s what we should do now: we have to take corona seriously and follow the measures, but being scared won’t help us more forward.”

Do young people have to give up too much, because of the corona crisis? Almost one out of three think they do. Céleste Cockmartin: “I don’t have the feeling I’m giving up on a lot. But young people really do try and avoid infecting the elderly. When I’m in Maastricht and only see my peers for weeks at a time, then I’ll be less restrained. But when visiting my parents, I’m very careful. It’s just a matter of not being selfish. What’s so difficult about wearing a mask and disinfecting your hands?” Nora Dari: “Quite a lot of people don’t believe in masks.” Bouba Kalala: “Really? I don’t know anyone who dismisses the rules and says: ‘I’m going to go anywhere and do what I want.’ But those that do, get a story in the news. As if every young person doesn’t give a fuck.” You do? Bouba Kalala: “I have to: my grandpa who’s 84, is staying with us. I did sin once, though. Going to a friend’s house for some drinks, other friends come over and suddenly you’re with ten people.” Nora Dari: “I’ve had corona and I was scared to death that I’d infect my parents. So I locked myself up in my bedroom for two weeks.” Céleste Cockmartin: “Seriously? I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally if I couldn't go out.” Nora Dari: “But I was incredibly sick, so the solitary confinement didn’t bother me. I’ve binged all there was to binge on Netflix.” Bouba Kalala: “And your sense of smell and taste?” Nora Dari: “Still gone! I can’t taste anything. Us, Moroccans, drink mint tea every day. Now, a month later, it still tastes like water.” Did the virus change you? Nora Dari: “I’m pretty religious. Corona has given me even more the understanding that everything is in God’s hands.” Faith is on the rise again: the number of young people claiming they’re atheist or non-religious declined from 50 to 41 percent. Céleste Cockmartin: “Everyone is looking for meaning and answers. I search these answers in science.” Bouba Kalala: “For me, science and God have the same worth. Believers can’t prove there is something, but science can’t disprove it either.” You believe there’s something? Bouba Kalala: “Yes, but what? I believe in the universe, the force of attraction, the power of positive thinking... I don’t want to sound too much like a hippie, but I also believe in the paranormal and UFOs. (*Céleste and Nora laugh out loud*) What? UFOs are my hobby. Even the American army admits there is something, so there must be something (*laughs*).” Nora Dari: “I often hear it: young people believe in something, but they don’t know (yet) in what they believe.” It’s all clear to you. Nora Dari: “Yes. I’m lucky to be born in a muslim family, but even then, there’s a moment where you think: is this the religion that really defines me? I’ve done research and began reading books, but my heart truly connected with the Islam. It feels like true love.” Céleste Cockmartin: “I can be jealous about that. I think it’s a shame sometimes, that I don’t have that faith. It seems to be a good solace during the hard times. For a lot of people, faith isn’t much more than a form of meditation.” Bouba Kalala: “The grandma from a friend of mine passed away recently. I found it hard to comfort her. I don’t have that issue with my Moroccan or Turkish friends, because we know she’s with God. The idea that she isn’t gone, brings peace.” In 2015, when we were still discussing the imminent terror attacks, 9 percent called themselves muslim. Now it’s 17 percent. Nora Dari: “I think it’s related to the terrorists. Because of them, muslims and non-muslims started asking questions about Islam. People studied the religion and concluded that it’s actually really beautiful.” When you were 13, you wore a hijab for a while. Nora Dari: “As a young girl, I often visited the community center in Winterslag. It closed down by the time I went to high school. From a tiny school with only two Belgians without an immigration background, to a school with a handful of muslims. Suddenly the world seemed bigger. I needed something familiar, something I could join and where I felt included. That was the Islam. After two years, I realized that my choice to wear the hijab, was too hasty. I wore it so I wouldn’t feel alone, but when I got older, I understood: I’m not alone. With or without hijab, God’s always with me.” Will you wear it again some day? Nora Dari: “I hope so. If someone asks me why I don’t wear it, I don’t have an excuse. It’s something so beautiful. Yet, right now, it doesn’t feel as if it’s something I need to do.”  Do you feel, as a muslim, that you’re less of a target than a few years ago? Nora Dari: “Yes. That’s connected with the trend of being woke, being aware of everything and refusing to think anything is bad. Due to this, a lot of youngsters are becoming less critical. Which is a shame.” And here I thought, young people were only positive about being woke? Nora Dari: “But what is the meaning of ‘being woke’?” I was hoping you could tell me. Nora Dari: “No one knows. Everyone pretends to know (*laughs*).” Bouba Kalala: “That’s being woke, I think: not knowing everything, stop pretending like you have all the answers.” Nora Dari: “You know what bothers me? That we live in such a cancel culture. One bad tweet and you’re cancelled for life. There’s nothing woke about that?” Bouba Kalala: “Without social media, we wouldn’t have cancel culture: every brain fart continues to exist on the internet. Years later, someone will dig up a wrong statement and use it to take you down.” Nora Dari: “Young people would do well, if they followed the people they don’t agree with on social media.” Bouba Kalala: “Yes!” Nora Dari: “If I'd follow Dries Van Langenhove (= extreme right politician / activist) tomorrow, my followers would throw a fit: ‘Do you agree with him?’ No, the exact opposite! But how can I understand how he thinks, if I don’t follow him? If I only followed people whom I agree with, I’ll get tangled up into my own truths. The world doesn’t stop with my own Insta page.” Céleste Cockmartin: “That’s being woke: talking with your opponents. I once started a conversation with Dries Van Langenhove. I ran into him in Ghent, at the time of the ‘Schild & Vrienden’ TV report. I had to know: what’s the deal with that group? Unfortunately the conversation wasn’t very clear - it was the nightlife neighborhood. But I’ll stick with my statement: start a conversation with dissendents.” And the youth of today doesn’t do that? Nora Dari: “Not at all. We rather cancel each other.” Bouba Kalala: “I already know that I’ll get racist bullshit hurled at me after this interview. I've learned not to care. Hate posts are good for my algorithm.” You don’t reply to them? Bouba Kalala: “I do, every time. One time, I argued for hours with someone who sent a racist tweet. I kept going: ‘Why do you say that, Arno? Do you realize this hurts?’. In the end, he even thanked me. I went to my mom, showed her the conversation and we’ve high-fived each other. I know that Arno will vote for Vlaams Belang (= extreme right political party) again, but he did say ‘thank you’, while he started with that sick tweet.”

[rustandyearnings]

How This Ends

Loan Tran

Two weeks into quarantine I read an article in The Atlantic titled, “How the Pandemic Will End.” It still felt wildly early to make any predictions about the future and the course of the virus. It has been now over a year that I have been trying to write a response to what I read, not because of any substantial disagreement but I foresaw then what I know now to be true, that after nearly a year of pandemic life: none of this simply ends. 

There are no numbers and statistics, CDC guidelines, or even well thought out epidemiological reports that captures the depth of what it means that over 2.75 million people have died from COVID-19; over half a million of them alone in the U.S. We have witnessed a year that has made everything that was terrible before, much, much worse. And we know how we got here—especially being in the belly of the beast— we know all too well what regimes of power are capable of in their commitment to greed and profit. If you are like me or if you love people like me, you may know too that the world has come to an end many times before. What is different about this ending? If anything? 

It was mid-March. My partner and I were on our way to the beach for her birthday. During our drive, we got news that the airports were starting to shut down and we were uncertain of the rumors about the National Guard being deployed to ensure compliance with stay-at-home orders. The beach was still there, and still sweet as always. We celebrated her the way we love each other; we ate delicious food, we laughed. She made her family’s shrimp: Lee Adam’s Shrimp. Which is comical, she says, because this was the only dish he would ever cook, and he got it named after him. Meanwhile, the family functioned because of women who made everything else possible. Such is our lives. 

The Atlantic Ocean on the coast of North Carolina in mid-March is wind-swept, vast, very quiet. The sand becomes these large mountains to be trekked over before the water meets your eyeline. But once you see it, you know exactly where the ocean departs the sky. It was terribly cold. Yet, I was grateful to be by the water as our world began to shake us into conference calls and organizing meetings. Within just a few short hours of our Governor declaring lock down, we had formed the United for Survival and Beyond coalition. And knowing the year we were going to have and coming out of years of pavement pounding work, we were already exhausted. Deeper than the exhaustion is the truth that we must stick together, and we must find a way to continue on, especially now, with the cards so clear on the table: some of us will live and some of us will die. And there will be no logic to the madness.

The political work is instinctual to me; it makes sense in any crisis to bring together as many people as possible to understand a situation and to then take action. But the political work is also sometimes slow moving, even when we are all speeding and incredibly busy. So, I did other work that I felt, by my own standards, was more tangible. Like organizing a group chat of the queers I know who need medication on a regular basis. Or joining the local Mutual Aid Groups (and then promptly leaving all of the groups, which was simply a matter of exiting the Signal threads). Making a phone tree that was unreasonably the size of a phone book itself was an early action, too. And of course, cooking. There have been gallons upon gallons of pho. And gumbo. And at least 1,000 meatballs. Anything to attempt at satiating what I knew would become a growing hunger inside of me for a normalcy that still has not yet returned.

Things were deteriorating quickly all around me. By March’s end, my mom and I are on hold with her retirement company. She wants to get her money out of her account before the stock market steals it all away. This economic system routinely comes tumbling down for her; and often does it too line the pockets of the already ultra-wealthy. She has earned her retirement from working at the same alterations shop for over 20 years. She is paid for the time it takes to hand sew sequins onto wedding gowns that cost more than her year’s entire salary. She makes the inseam of your boutique jeans go from 32” to 30” with you never knowing the difference. She helps make people feel good, never questioning their own frivolousness in paying someone else to replace a missing button on their jacket. Her job has treated her well. This pandemic was beginning to test it as she’s filed for unemployment, without assistance from her bosses. The alliances that had shaped her life up until this point were beginning to fall apart, as is the case for so many of us. 

It would become easier in the summer, but even then, the sweaty walks and the sitting outside in the beating sun just to eat a meal with someone who I wasn’t also sleeping with most nights began to tire me. I was unsatisfiable. I am lucky to have eaten many good meals, celebrate even more pandemic birthdays, and have extra money to keep supporting my parents’ and sister’s bills in between our socially distanced visits. Things would seem relatively calm for some weeks, when I felt like the weather wasn’t badgering on me. Which is to also say, that when things felt turbulent, it really just meant I was incredibly sad. 

As I’ve been writing this piece in my mind, mulling over—as I usually do—which details feel relevant enough to evidence in words, the world around us has danced to the precipice of something new and back again. In between it all, I have had some of the most elaborate dreams of my life, the dreams at the heart of how I wish life could be. 

I am home in Viet Nam. The sky is a dreamy pink, small stripes of orange and some residual blue as the sun sets and the moon takes over. I am sitting by the water and before me stretches a few miles of the bay. On the other side, mountains: spotted gray from granite and green from trees. I think to myself, “this is beautiful” and I take out my phone so I don’t forget what this looks like. My mom is here with me and it is quiet and perfect. Standing in line waiting to buy coffee from a street vendor, I think to myself, “wow, I get to be here,”; there are children and their parents who look my kin weaving around my stillness on the side of the road. I smile at someone I clock to be like me: a little odd, short haired, sweet looking in the face, stern and tough but kind in spirit. Then I wake up. It’s a dream. And all I know is that it’s a beautiful, perfect dream. 

While time stretched and I could dream and I could travel in my mind, buoyed by my memories, telling stories that after the 3rd or 4th re-telling feels almost untrue, time also pulled me back to reality. To the everyday where I had few answers for the big question of: what now? 

So what of time now? What is its worth? And what is worth it? I wear a watch every day still and I check my calendar still. And I still want Fridays to feel how Fridays are supposed to feel, still: they should release me. I still want to wake up slow on a Sunday, my favorite day, still. Things feel numbered and open all at once. Do I measure the worth of my life in this way or that? Do I consider tragedy to be where we start or is it having a witness to it that makes the clock run? Do I count the pints of soup I have made? What about the distance between us? There have been more cardinals than usual, but I’m really not counting. I do miss the children in the streets and the laughter beaming from their hands. Making sense of quiet and calling this place, my ever-growing city of just nearly 270,000 people, a ghost town seems a little defeatist; some days it seems just right, and some days it feels like an opening: to stop counting the time. 

There is a slowness of this period that I have come to appreciate, even as it frustrates me. The slowness to remember and reconsider and re-learn the basic unit of relating: care; to care for each other and to care for ourselves. And we are being subject to the realities of care’s absence: there are millions of people—while they toil and make our world turn, even against the heaviest measures of despair—are disregarded as undeserving of housing, of health(care), of food, of life itself. 

These systems of violence and domination continue to evolve, as showcased by this next phase of neoliberalism, with its elite colors and sloganeering. Coca-Cola racial justice investments and Nike’s you can do it to end racism and NFL’s $250,000,000 check to shut it (what, exactly?) down. Our task is more urgent than ever, yet there is still, simply this: you and I making a road where perhaps previously there was not, where perhaps previously there were, and it had been bombed or torn apart.

I am on the eve of my second pandemic birthday. And between the last time I dared contemplate how this ends and this moment now, there have been attempted coups and multiple mass shootings; there have been more vaccines distributed in the 1st world and essentially none for our sisters, brothers, and kin to the global south. Schools in my city are reopening and the people who suffer are made to blame each other.

A pandemic of this kind, through which a virus has served as the vehicle sounding the sirens of human plight, has the potential to lure us towards conclusions about the ever-deepening crises of white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism that will be regretful for us in the long-term. Namely, while it is true many things are outside of our control, like how a virus may mutate or transmit, there is so much more that is within our control.

We have witnessed that even in the middle of a pandemic, our people have risen up across the globe to declare that there must be another way to live. What deserves to be said again and again is that on one hand there is the science of this pandemic and the science of greed which profits on sickness; on the other is clear the science of solidarity; the science of organizing; the science of returning people back to each other; a sense of attention, a regard for care, an interest in ourselves and each other and the planet as people and places worthy of a world different than what centuries of violence and domination have conditioned and forced us toward.

At last, I do not know what the end of this pandemic means. But it seems to the hopeful, revolutionary optimist in me, that we have tried our raggedy best this year. I have appreciated more than ever our attempts at an honesty we may not have been willing to demonstrate. It seems to me that I haven’t been the only one to lie about how much I don’t know. And if you are looking for a script right now, about how to be, or how to cope, or how to regard yourself as belonging to those around you who do not look like you or speak like you or understand as you understand, I hope you’ll remember that there is no one else to make the future but us if we are to see ourselves in it.

I am embarrassed by my desperate need for things to return to normal. I am so desperate that I lay awake at night: wanting something I know I cannot have and the intelligent part of me knows that if I could have it, it would not be good for me or the people I love. The desperation is also a grief, fear, fatigue. But I also lay awake some nights taking audit of my gratitude; that beside me is my lover deep in restful sleep, that somehow in the morning our hands always find each other; and when we get out of bed, to make breakfast, or step outside: there is another day that affords me the time to learn how to be more human, and perhaps that is what this is worth. And those of us who still have it in us, and even those of us who feel that we have lost it, we must help this situation by becoming more and more human, as that is the only way I would want this to end. 

This piece is dedicated to my dear friends who have kept me this year, in particular Zaina, Mindy, Margo, and Nadeen. It is also dedicated to our beloved Elandria (E) Williams, may they continue to rest in piece and know that we are taking their mandate for us to care, seriously. It is dedicated to the best pandemic pal and partner I could have ever asked for, who has also vowed to return the favor next pandemic, Chantelle. This is dedicated to the streets, to the uprisings, to all people everywhere who believe life doesn’t have to be this way, that we are so much more—these people include city workers, educators, youth and students, organizers, healthcare workers, and more. Thanks for the example of your lives.

[purplesurveys]

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[created by: vyvyan86]

What do you do for work? I work at a public relations agency, so I handle servicing for a good number of clients across different industries. PR is basically like the extroverted sibling of journalism; and since I turned out to not enjoy journ, I gave PR a try halfway through my time in college and ended up liking it more.

What would you ideally like to do for work? I actually really enjoy what I do, like getting to work directly with big local and even international brands. I’m glad I made the decision to make the career shift because I can’t imagine how miserable I would be in a newsroom.

What are you doing in order to achieve this? I’m already where I want to be, at least for now. I don’t see it changing any time soon because I’m nowhere near tired of the work yet.

What is the meaning of your life? What is it that you really live for? Erm I don’t really try to define it or have an answer to this right away because I feel like it puts a lot of unwanted pressure on me, by me. As long as I’m satisfied in the present, I shouldn’t be worrying for whom or what my life is ultimately supposed to be.

Have you ever REALLY thought what it means to have children? Yup. Having kids would be the perfect life, but realistically speaking I am not at all ready to start that particular chapter. I don’t make enough money to be able to build a family, and I’ve never even tried changing a diaper yet...then you have to think about weekly formulas, what school to enroll them in, building a nursery...it’s all very hectic and stressful and it’s definitely not a priority as of the moment.

Are you planning to have children anyway? It would be nice, but I still don’t know if it’s in my future.

What is the most awful thing about the world today? I doooooooooon’t understand racism. It’s those videos of white people being caught on tape harassing POCs without a care in the world that get to me the most. It’s horrifying and it’s made me have close to zero plans to travel to the places where the videos usually come from. It’s happened too many times and too many clips have gone viral, that I can’t help but think it would happen to me and my family as well. What do you think is the worst being on the planet? Abusive and/or neglectful parents.

Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? Nopes.

Have you ever been in court? If so, in which role? Definitely not.

Which do you think is a more valuable being, a human or an animal? I don’t think it’s fair to compare. A life is a life.

What, in your opinion, will cause the end of the world? I’m gonna let science answer this and refer to whatever predictions they have for the future based on their calculations. 

What does your mother do for work? She works in an international hotel chain as an executive secretary, but work is actually kind of slippery for her at the moment because of Covid. There are only certain days in the week where she’s called in to report for work, and there is a chance those requests will stop coming in at a certain point.

^If she's a homemaker, any specific reason for this? She’s not anymore but she did enjoy a brief period of being a homemaker after resigning from her previous workplace back in likeeeee 2013 I’d say? which according to her had increasingly turned into a toxic environment after 20+ years of working there.

What about your father? What does he do? He is an executive sous chef. Cruise ship industry, so his situation is also actually quite bleak. Fortunately the job security with his company is a lot stronger and more guaranteed.

How do you like your coffee? I like it sweet and for its color to be light brown.

If you're of age, what's your favorite alcoholic drink? Tequila shots if we’re going hard. Long Island Iced Tea or Zombie if I’m looking to have a chill session with friends. Red Horse is fine as well, whatever. I hate beer with a passion but I’d drink it if everyone in the table is having a bottle.

If you're under-aged, what is your favorite soft drink? Bold of you to assume all minors like soda hahaha. I don’t, though.

Do you smoke? Yeah, just super seldom though because I don’t want to form a habit. I had the opportunity to last Friday but voluntarily skipped out on it, but that was also because I already had a vape pen on me.

^If so, did you start when you were 18 or were you younger? My first cigarette was when I was 21. Start of 2020.

Did your parents approve of your smoking/alcohol use before you turned 18? They wouldn’t have approved of it at all. And I wouldn’t have let myself either.

Do you have siblings? If not, skip the next few questions. Yeup.

Are you eldest, in the middle or youngest? I’m the eldest of two siblings.

How big an age gap is between you and your siblings? With my sister, 2 years. With my brother, 5 years.

Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Not at all, actually. We were all well-behaved, aka the three of us were always too shy to do anything bad or mischevious. I guess the biggest issues with each of us were - I was very messy with my stuff and ignored all my homework; Nina was a crybaby and would get into tears over literally any inconvenience; and my brother was a violent crybaby, which means he is Nina but always ready to punch you in the face, kick you in the neck or stomach, scream into your ear, etc.

If your siblings are old enough, what do they do for work? My sister is taking up digital filmmaking in an art school; my brother is only in his junior year of high school.

Have you ever been jealous of your siblings? I’m not jealous of her, but Nina is amazing at art and drawing and painting and all that stuff and I always wish I shared even like 1/98th of her skills, hahah.

Do you still live with your parent/s or do you live alone/with a partner? I live with my family, yeah. I’m nowhere near ready to start being on my own.

What do you think about growing up? Like what Paramore said (heheh), has to happen sometimes.

What about having responsibilities? I don’t really think anything of them? They’re kind of expected.

Do you know how to cook? Nope.

^If so, what's your favorite thing to cook? I don’t know how to make anything yet, but some dishes I would love to be able to master are risotto and paella. I’d also love to inherit my grandma’s kare-kare recipe but I’m already 300% sure from this early that I’ll never be able to make it as good as she does.

What about baking? I also can’t bake but some stuff I’d want to learn how to make are cupcakes, macarons, cheesecake, and a chocolate chip cookie recipe so good that my kids would literally bring their friends over to our house just to make them try it.

Do you ever drink tea? Iced tea for the most part. If I do ever drink the traditional hot tea, it’s usually because it’s served either at a hotel I’m staying at, or at an Asian restaurant.

Have you ever followed any of these fad diets that go around? I don’t follow a diet. I’m usually open to trying out foods that are packaged to fall under a certain diet, though – paleo, keto, etc. - just to experience how much different it could possibly taste from the food I typically have.

What do you usually order at your favorite restaurant? I usually get rosu, a type of tonkatsu cut that has a lining of fat on its side. My favorite restaurant then provides unlimited rice, miso soup, and cabbage with my order.

Do you prefer a proper restaurant to a fast food place? Not necessarily. I love a lot of either.

What's your dream vehicle? A Mini Countryman.

What about your dream house? I don’t have an exact image of it yet, but I always said that my dream house, wherever and whatever it might be, must have a room for all the wrestling memorabilia I plan to collect in the future. It’ll be like a ~mancave~  as I also plan to have a couch and a big TV in it so I can watch documentaries and pay-per-views there.

What is the biggest dream of your life? Right now, I would say the ‘biggest’ - since I’ve established it since I was a kid - is to go to the 50th installment of Wrestlemania, which is like the Superbowl of wrestling. This year it’ll be the 37th, so I have 13 years left to plan the dream out and save up and stuff.

If you could travel to another country right now, where would you go? Morocco.

What is a country you'd never ever visit? There isn’t a country I wouldn’t want to visit at least once. I’d probably avoid the ones that have dangerous political situations or are literally at war at the moment, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to step foot in them.

Are you good at taking care of your finances? I’m getting there! I was able to have a good amount of savings this month :) My finances were shit for the first two months of my job because there was immediately soooooooo much to pay for, but I’m glad everything is on track now.

Have you ever had any trouble paying your bills? Well no, because I don’t pay my own yet. I do hand a portion of my allowance to my parents every payday so that I can help out with the family bills, though.

What about your rent? We don’t have rent.

What do you think is the best thing about being an adult? The freedom that comes with it is very empowering. I don’t technically have to ask permission to go out with friends anymore, or be scared of a curfew (but my mom still imposes one, LOL. It’ll mellow it within time though, I’m sure); I make my own money and can spend it however way I want while the rest I can save; I can take a drive or book an entire trip altogether as long as I can afford it...it’s letting me get to know myself even more, in a way that college and my teenage years weren’t able to do.

What about the worst? Being expected to have my shit together when I’m very clueless still about so many things in life. I make fuckups at work at least once a week and I always feel like I’m going to get fired with every mistake, lol.

Is there a person in your life, who wastes their life somehow? Hmm, I don’t think so. I have an uncle who had seemed to be headed nowhere before, but I think he’s slowly getting back on track. I think. At least I don’t hear anything about him anymore.

^If so, how are they wasting their life? Never had a stable job, was a neglectful husband and father (I think he still is), was never able to secure a house and even a car for his family, and deals with his problems by drinking...and worse, drunk-driving, sometimes. It’s an embarrassment and I don’t care if my grandma tells me off for giving him the cold shoulder every family gathering. I’m not gonna get close to someone who negatively affects my mood and my energy.

What is something you need to do, but you keep postponing it? Getting a new pair of glasses. Booking an appointment is a Newly-Unlocked Adult Thing that I’ve never done yet, so I’m nervous and I keep putting it off, hahaha.

Do you think life should just hand things to you? Not at all.

Or should you earn the things you want and need with hard work? Yeah, there you go.

Would you rather live off government benefits or earn your own money? Earn on my own, as much as possible. But some balance would be nice as well so that I can start feeling as if the government is actually helping and serving me.

When you take a survey, do you skip questions? Typically, no. But some of the older ones I’ve seen made by, like, 15 year olds of the time will have nonsense, downright immature, or lowkey racist/homophobic questions that I will have no problem deleting altogether as I think no one here would have any interest in answering them either.

Why, do you think, people write lyrics as the title for a survey? To be creative and catchy, I guess. And it works - I do tend to click on surveys that use lyrics.

If you have a Facebook, what do you use it for? Look for things to share, mainly. I’m fully back on it now after going a way for a bit to do some healing on my own.

If you have a Twitter, what do you use it for? As a space to let out literally all my thoughts and brianfarts. No one cares on Twitter, so it’s the perfect space to make a mess and be a mess.

If you have a Tumblr, what do you use it for? I used to have a wrestling-themed Tumblr (and before that, many more other themed Tumblrs), but when my interest died down I soon switched to using Tumblr for my surveys and being more lowkey altogether on here.

If you have an iPhone, why? I find it easier to use, and I like the interface more. The camera’s features are also more to my liking.

If you have an iPad, why? We have a really old model of it, and we bought that because iPads were all the rage at the time. It had been the newest concept from Apple and most people felt they had to have one, including my family. We definitely don’t feel the need to get another tablet anytime soon since it just functions like a giant phone for the most part.

If you have the latest electronic gadgets, did you pay for them yourself? I’ve never paid for a gadget before.

Do you always put your litter in a trashcan? Of course. I know how to pick up after myself like a respectful human. < Yup.

When you walk/ride your bike/drive your car, are you careful? Yeah, unless I’m mad. Sometimes road rage will take over me tbh, especially if other people on the road have been stupid for quite some time.

What is the rudest thing a person could do or say to you? Something phobic after seeing Jess and I together. < This reminds me of when my ex and I used to get stares or whispers in public. But to be honest, I actually enjoyed those encounters because it only served as fuel for me to get even more affectionate and piss them off more, lol. Good times. 

Anyway, the rudest thing I can think of at the moment is being cut while in line. Some people do it so subtly too, and their shy, careful shuffle to get in front of me is what irritates me the most because THEY KNOW they’re doing something shitty and yet are being so sneaky about it.

Have you ever been that rude to someone else? I have never cut in line, never will.

Do you think your parents are proud of you and what you do with your life? I don’t know. I hope so. I don’t know if they’re expecting me to move out at this point, but I hope they’re at least proud of the fact that their first kid managed to land a job, especially considering we’re living in Covid times.

Which would you rather be, famous or a "nobody"? Why? Can’t I be somewhere in between? When it boils down to it, I’d probably go with being a nobody...I’d miss the socialization and having friends, but at least it means I can get away with more.

Do you need to have the latest fashion in clothes and accessories? It would be nice, but I’m not desperate to have them.

If you have a job, do you get along with your co-workers? Yeah, I’d say so. I definitely have never fought with anyone yet. It’s hard to gauge my relationship with each of them because I entered the workplace while we’re under WFH so I’ve only gotten to talk to most of them through Viber; but so far, so good.

What kind of hobbies do you have? I like traveling and learning, so anything that’s got to do with those - going to museums, visiting ancestral houses, trying local art forms - I would definitely dive into. But if I’m not in a new province or country altogether, I like trying out new food and new restaurants, embroidering, watching my favorite shows, coloring, painting, and reading essays about history. :)

Would anything in the whole world make you give up any of those hobbies? I’m not super attached to painting anymore, so I guess.

Have you had/do you have any pets? I currently have two dogs. In the past we’ve had a cat, a rabbit, two birds, and several goldfish.

Do you even like animals? I love them, except insects.

If you aren't already, would you ever get married? It would be a nice thing to tick off my life event list.

If you are already married, what was the ultimate reason for the marriage? -

As a child, did you do anything really bad? I was raised in a highly violent household with the worst influences as my elders. Yes, I managed to squeeze in some horrible stuff when no one was looking.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? I was violent towards my brother but won’t get into it. The only thing I’ll mention is that I used to chase him around with a knife whenever he’d start becoming too much of a headache.

As a teenager, did you do anything really bad? I don’t think so. I was well-traumatized and abused by the time I was a teenager so I was afraid of fucking anything up and being in more trouble.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? The worst thing I did was lie about my performance in school, honestly. Which, looking back now, doesn’t even seem like a big deal considering I was only in high school then and grades from there barely matter.

Do you have a problem with authority? Nope. Well, a good number of my teachers didn’t seem to like me for some reason. I’d say it’s their problem though since I never did anything to raise hell in school, ever.

What's your favorite comic strip? I don’t have one.

Is there a piece of clothing you absolutely must wear every day Underwear... < Yep.

Has a doctor ever told you to lose weight? No. I’ve always been on the lighter side so that has never been a comment given to me by anyone.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a lifelong disease? Isn’t scoliosis a lifelong thing? If it is, then yes I have been.

What is something you absolutely hate? Fruits.

What about something you absolutely love? Seafood! Which is why I have spicy tuna salad and dynamite rolls with me at the moment :)

[robin-blogs]

Wednesday Lecture - David Blandy – 27.01.2021

This week’s Lecture was about David Blandy. I had personally never heard of him before. At the start of the lecture he started by playing a game called ‘Babel’ in which he read a story and rolled a dice. There was also a Jenga tower to represent the tower of Babel. The game reminded me of Dungeons and Dragons with the story and dice. The story is also about remembering your name as you forgot it when you wake up in the area described.  The journey ended when babel fell. I found this to be a very interesting and intriguing way to start the lecture and as a result it made me feel immediately more engaged with his work. I have always loved board games and card games as it reminds me of times playing with my Nan or playing Dungeons and Dragons campaigns with friends after college. Although this segment of the lecture didn’t connect with my university practice; it definitely relates to my personal life and as a result made me want to see more about Blandy’s work and how he’s incorporated these themes and ideas into his work.

Blandy then went to talk about a recent project he had been working on called “World After” which creates a narrative world in which humans don’t exist on the plant as there aren’t any left. Instead of humans there are instead creatures such as lizard people and to be in place of humans. He also uses this removal of humans to comment on gender norms with an intersex character who changes gender each day. I feel this relates to both my personal life and work as I work with themes of gender and gender norms throughout my own work. I have recently been working on an outfit to show people the effects and events of the Stonewall Riots while also subverting gender norms by being a man in a dress wearing makeup.  Blandy then went on to talk about how he has always been interested in role-play since he was young. He has had inspirations such as Akira; anime and manga cultures, Princess Mononoke, Zelda and Dungeons and Dragons. When he started to talk about his inspirations coming from the series of Zelda games, I felt immediately exited. For a long time now, I have adored The Legend of Zelda series; especially the latest one for the Nintendo Switch; Breath of The Wild. I have certainly been inspired by this series of games myself throughout my art, even if it isn’t visually apparent. Blandy goes to explain how all of the games in the series are all telling similar stories through different reality and through different timelines. This had a direct inspiration and impact on his game he is working on in a collaborative effort called “World After”. From his inspiration from the Zelda series and their use of a timeline, he then went on to create his own timeline for his own game in which he called it the “Cataclysm Timeline”. The choice of this wording made me create a link between the acts in Zelda and within Blandy’s game. Within the Zelda timeline the overarching threat is mainly centred on “The Great Calamity” and Gannon// Gannondorf in which the main protagonist ‘Link’ has to overcome. Although the timeline created for the series breaks up into three sections once the events of Ocarina of Time happens. The three timelines split into one where ‘The Hero is Defeated’ where Hyrule and the Hero decline. There is then a ‘Child’ and ‘Adult’ era for the remaining two timelines. In these two timelines, Link is sent back by Zelda to relive his childhood he didn’t get as a result of fighting the Calamity. The adult timeline is then where Link// The Hero of Time disappears where Gannondorf can rule free unopposed.

After the lecture ended, I wanted to connect more with his work and how he creates his concepts. Before the lecture ended he mentioned how he wanted to do a collaborative effort around Liverpool and have a new species or creature in the game based around the area. As a direct result of this I decided to connect more with his process through this idea. When I think of Liverpool I think a lot about industry mixed with areas of overgrowth where areas are knocked down; often sprouting weeds. I decided to start sketching out a concept around my vision of Liverpool, this made me realise the thought that had to go through the process of character creation. Although this isn’t the first time I have worked around making characters. I have created my own characters in the past with their own writing and basic timelines of events. I have yet to develop them more but as a result of creating them it gave me even more respect for those who do this as a profession, whether as writers or concept artists. When thinking and sketching out my concepts for the character based around Liverpool I found myself thinking deeper into the characters visuals and actions the more I developed them into a drawing. As seen in the picture below, I originally only had his concept as a human with a dandelion for a head. I then developed them more to incorporate more colours and lines as a contrast by adding the green leaves of dandelion weeds around the neck as a kind of collar. I then developed their body to incorporate a mix of broken and new buildings around my personal ideas of Liverpool. Overall, even though it was a smaller version of what Blandy does for his project, it felt rewarding and gave me a greater understanding of his process when I replicated it myself through my own ideas.

When talking more in depth about his game “World After” he talked about how it was about creating a narrative and change. Blandy created this game as a collaborative effort with other artists and writers. Throughout the previously mentioned timeline, it shows what happened// will happen over the next 75 years, based on real world science from what will happen to Earth 8000 years in the future. I found this to be an interesting way of showing and educating people on what could happen to our own planet in the future if things don’t change without it being apparently clear. After the main lecture had finished I decided to attend the Q&A to gain a greater insight to Blandy’s work and how he came to the creation of World After.

Q&A

Q: “Is the idea for World After a result of what would happen if we had to adapt to what we ((humans)) have done to the world?”

A: In a way it is, he explained how it’s like a ‘Deep Future’ in which its 8000 years in the future. It’s a way of reimagining the world after sea-rise and us adapting to different societies and whatever situation was in each ‘haven’ that we were hiding in. Its why each haven and society within them are so radically different since each one has been isolated as a large space for such a long amount of time. They all eventually come out of their havens and come to realise not everything is as they thought it was. They discover all of these different societies that they didn’t know where in the world. Blandy then goes on to explain how it’s a good way of making artistic licence for what could be created.

Q: “Were you inspired by Morrowind or Skyrim at all? A lot of it reminds me of that series.”

A: Blandy went on to say how he had never played Skyrim, he’s exploited it through film but has never played through it properly. He said he thinks it’s been inspired by the whole plethora of fantasy, and he wanted it to have that fantasy feeling. He then commented on the kinds of fantasy ideas around games such as Skyrim, Dungeons and Dragons and Wold of Warcraft and how a lot of their base characters are very racially coded. He comments on general Orc characters and how they are perceived as degenerate and thuggish and how it shows a really racist image of blackness. He wanted to create a fantasy space that didn’t have that ‘baggage’ in a sense and to take away from the alignment of people being naturally good and naturally evil. Blandy then went to talk about how he also wanted to use it as a way to connect with his children more and to get them away from their screens a little more. He enjoyed the feeling of everyone being in the same mental space to play a game together; especially with games over Zoom. He founds it’s been a way of him making a lot of friends and connecting with new people.

Q: “What are you intending with your work?”

A: To draw the viewer in through how it looks or sounds and through that you can then insert some idea that changes their view of the world. A wandering person looking for truth feels interesting to him such as with Final Fantasy VII and how in the end where is the self? He got into Philosophy and geopolitics and society throughout his work. What is the self? He didn’t really find an interest in VR when compared to the brain as he said the brain is one of the best renderers.

Q: Were you inspired by any specific Art Movements?

A: In a way it comes from performance and being interactive. It comes from 60’s performance and working with symbols and language and in an interactive way through that. To him it came like a set of instructions to perform which reminded him a lot of Dungeons And Dragons.

 Overall, as a result of attending Blandy’s Q&A, I feel like I have connected a lot more with his work and I have gained a greater understanding of why he is creating it. I am personally very excited to see where his work with World After goes as it feels so refreshingly different from any other roleplaying online game I’ve seen before. His development of World After relates to me on a very personal level as I have always found a love of video games through the stories they tell such as with Zelda and Skyrim, so it makes me ecstatic to see where World After goes as it combines all of the story based elements of the games I love and adds in a level of acceptance and diversity. There are no human characters to remove the element of racism and gender issues which I’ve never seen from any games like this before. There is also a society of intersex people who change gender each day which I found to be an amazing edition. This can attract people of all genders and identities to help them feel more included and understood. As a trans man myself I loved this edition of diversity. Another part of his world of World After that intrigued me was his use of the timeline relating to real world events that are predicted to happen 8000 years in the future. As mentioned before, I think it’s a really intriguing and interesting way to indirectly show people of all ages the affects were having on our world such as with climate change.

In conclusion, this lecture and Q&A was by far my favourite of this year, and I thought it was the perfect lecture to start the second semester with. Although it’s taken me a while to get back into working from my mental health, I’m glad this is what I had to start with as it had many elements I loved and that relate to both my personal life and practice. I’d love to see more of Blandy’s work in the future.

[mouseyfox]

[Video description] A white woman with dark brown hair down to her chin and black horn rim glasses sits in front of a cream wall with a string of mint drying behind her. She is holding a pillow with a geometric design as she turns on her phone's video camera.

[sigh] Hi, my name is Krystal. I am a disabled queer woman and I am here to have a talk with you today about what it's like being disabled in the United States and trying to keep a job. 

[Transcript Below]

So [sighs] there's some major issues with how we as US citizens and people in general, um, deal with disability and how it relates to the job force and how [thoughtful pause] we are treated as employees. Now the Equal Opportunities, um, Equal Employment Opportunities Act, um, was a major step forward as were similar things such as the, you know, Disability Rights movement, and the Americans with Disabilites Act, and even, you know, the Affordable Care Act. Those have all had positive effects on the Disabled Community as a whole, but there's a lot more that needs to be done. Now, disabilities are not just physical. They can be emotional, or psychological, and they can also be intellectual. That means you could see someone with a wheelchair, or a missing limb, or someone who has Parkinson's Disease, or someone who has dyslexia, or someone who has PTSD, someone who's missing an eye, someone who's deaf, blind, the list goes on, honestly.

For me personally I have been disabled for ohhh well over fifteen years at this point. I have experienced over fifteen years of abuse in my life which has triggered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, um, DID, um, Anxiety Disorders, Major Reoccurring Depression, I have Trichotillomania, Excoriation Disorder, I also have physical disabilities as well. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I also have Chronic Pain and Fatigue, I have hips that don't sit right, and a back that doesn't like sitting straight, and I also have migraines that have gotten to the point where I'm having about a migraine every week or so even with medication. I'm going in for more treatment options with a neurologist to figure out why they're happening. Now, I am a person who would benefit greatly from things like Universal Healthcare, and uh Universal Basic Income because at the end of the day I am a queer woman who is disabled and who is supporting a partner who is totally disabled as much as I can, and even just saying that could cost him his benefits, and that is heinous. We are not married, if disabled people marry and they have benefits they can loose them entirely, legally, within the US as it is today. I have a Bachelor's degree I got from the University of Louisville this spring during COVID and while I am very happy that I have finally achieved something ten years in the making for a lot of reasons it was horrible on my health both mental and physical.

As a student who is independent and was relying entirely on loans aside from very few scholarships that did in no way cover the full cost of tuition. I worked [sigh] a full time job while being a full time student at a call center uh who violated my rights as a disabled person in a number of ways and when I eventually left that job and applied for full time disability benefits, which I was denied, by the way, uhm, [the call center] lied to the SSI department, and said that I had never once filed accomodation letters to them, which is very untrue as I had spoken with an HR Director on multiple occassions, I had emailed them, I had spoken to them on the phone, I had one on ones with supervisors about how the job was affecting my physical health, as well as my emotional and mental health and how it was worsening my disabilities.

I had applied for short term disability, which is something that in the United States, is only offered by certain employers and is something that you have to pay into. There is no short term disability department with the SSI. There is no way for an American citizen currently as it stands to have short term disability to get some of the medical issues under control in the US unless you have already paid into a pool.

Now, some of you might be wondering what about FMLA, the Family Medical Leave Act? I applied for that, and they really don't like you using that for short term disability unless if it's something that was happened at the job or outside. For example, if you undergo an amputation, you might be someone who would qualify for FMLA. But, for me, a person who was just dealing with further issues with my chronic disorders that are never going to go away, um, at this point my issues are so deeply imbeded that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life to handle my disorders and as with many people, as I age, I am as likely to get more disabilities on top of everything else.

The way that our economy, the way that our healthcare works right now we don't accomodate or help or you know just give disabled people a way to live and work without highly unfair and horrible ways of treating them. I have been gaslit by employers. I have, uh, very highly insinuated that I was lying about issues with my health just so I could go home and "be lazy", or I've been told or implied by coworkers that I was lying about my disabilities and there are all sorts of negative public stigma about people who lie about disorders so they can like get benefits. And, honestly, here's a news flash for you, it's virtually impossible to get full time SSI benefits if you're lying. I have friends who have disorders that can kill them before they turn fifty who are considered not disabled enough to qualify for SSI benefits. And these are people who are dealing with horrible diseases that will kill them or just make it really impossible for them to ever work. Like, physically, mentally, some education, uhm, or not education, intellectual disorders there's no way they're going to be able to hold a full time steady job and you know with the way that our economy works part time jobs don't cut it.

Most people are working two to three jobs because our minimum wage isn't high enough. And if you're disabled you spend so much money on taking care of yourself, and spending days at home, and that's just part of being disabled. I don't like calling off of work. I don't like being drug into my supervisor's office to get you know reprimanded for constantly having to call in or leave early. I don't like inconveniencing my coworkers either because I know that makes it harder on them, but you know what's also harder on them? If I decide to power through a day even when I'm feeling like garbage, and I make more mistakes, I will get less things done, I'll be worse off with my customer interactions, and there are days where I have worked through on ten, twelve, even thirteen hour shifts as a disabled person, and it has absolutely wrecked my health.

I have been working for ten years and I've been a caretaker for even longer, and my ability to perform at a full time job has drastically diminished in just ten years of trying to support myself in the way our current economy works and I've worked in a variety of different jobs. I've done physical labor jobs, I've worked in factories, I've worked in call centers, I've been a barista, I've been a cashier, I have been a bourbon steward, I have worked in healthcare in a variety of fields, and I have worked in library science which is what I'm hoping to get for a- for my- my education goal is I want to be a librarian. I want to be someone who helps people with research and reference work, and helps with their community. I love being engaged with my community. I love helping people. I like going to work. I do genuinely enjoy going to work! But when I have to keep working to a point that would make even a- you know someone who's not disabled overly worked and wreck their health... What do you think that does to those of us who have disabilities? Huh? Cause I can promise you it's a lot worse than you initially think. And the accomodations that they offer at most jobs are a fucking joke. They really are.

Most jobs aren't even accomodating for people in wheelchairs, for people with physical disabilities, and not to mention people who have hearing problems, or who are blind, and don't get me started on psychological problems. We could have an entire separate discussion on that one because the way that workplace cultures work and the way with microaggressions with racism, and all sorts of other factors like homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, yes that counts, okay, because a lot of disabled people are just big, and you know what a lot of them are also really skinny, because their medical problem might be tied into that in ways that you can't understand either without a medical degree, or without being disabled yourself and having to do research.

Because at the end of the day the people who are most educated about their own disabilities are often the disabled person themselves. Yes doctors are very educated. Yes they know a lot. But you know who also knows a lot about the disorder, the person who's fucking experiencing it. I have friends who have been dismissed by doctors for years. Whose illnesses and issues have been completely mishandled and not at all treated by doctors because they wouldn't fucking listen to their patients. Okay. And, that's not something that we should be proud about as a country.

The way that we treat disabled people is horrible, and that's not even considering the problem with eugenics in this country because there are a number of people who are very interested in the fact of created designer babies, or aborting [disabled] babies, or you know, just throwing disabled people away until they die in a corner so you don't have to think about them. And that's a historical problem with this country and it hasn't gone away. We haven't fixed it. And it's something we need to work on.

But you know what? We're never going to be able to address those harder issues until we address the fact that working and having to hold multiple jobs to live for abled people that's inexcusable. It's even worse when you're disabled.

I can't tell you the number of times I have been almost homeless because my job had fired me because I had to call in too often, or I just had to leave a job because it was horribly wrecking my health. I have played yo-yo with all of my jobs for the past three years after I tried filing for disability, and you know what? They told me no. They told me I'm too young. I can't possibly have the disorders that I have or I'm just not disabled enough.

And you know what? You can be disabled at any age. And that possibility only increases the older that you get.  Because the older you get your systems start failing and you will be disabled at one point in your life. Period. Everyone will experience disability before they die in some way shape or form. So when we talk about disability rights it's not just about me. It's not just about friends of mine who are being killed by our healthcare system, and by our government, and by our economy, every single day. It's also about you. So when I ask you to give a fuck about disabled people and work and listen  to what we're asking you to do this is about you too. Because one day you're going to be in our position, and you know what? It sucks. And no one should have to deal with this.

[Emotional Pause] We need healthcare reform. We need it. Very badly. And when I say that it goes from everything to my own father who has been insulin rationing, and dealing with completely ludicrous insulin prices since before I was born.

It goes to my mother, you know, whose liver shut down because of black mold in a church my father preached at. I watched her slowly die for a year because she refused to go to the hospital because if she did, and she got the care that could have saved her, it would have killed my father because we wouldn't have been able to afford his insulin.

You know, and I'm not the only person, who's had situations like this, there are elderly people all over our nation who are dealing with similar issues all day. There are people who are disabled, there are families of disabled people, who are working to support people. There- Did you know that it's actually illegal for disabled people to marry and keep their benefits? Did you? Because I have a pertner who is disabled and even just saying that could rob him of his benefits.

That's not including issues with disability and, you know, being queer. Because being queer complicates everything. You know I don't say that because it's fun and I get "all the social benefits it brings" as Rosalarian would say because you know what? There really aren't any.

I'm queer because I'm queer. I'm disabled because my body is a pain in the ass, and because I've gone through things that no one ever should have had to go through and it has completely wrecked my mental health.

And I've gotten so much better than I used to be! I used to be so much worse off and put up with stuff that was absolutely wrecking my mental health and physical health because your mental health does a lot of stuff with your physical health that you might not be aware of. [Cat sneezes]

The United States as a nation is literally working itself to death, and that doesn't just affect able bodied people. It affects disabled people a lot worse. And you know what, I like working, but I like living a lot better. [Turns off video]

[wordsnstuff]

How to Outline Effectively

-- Outlining is a fairly important part of writing a longer story, especially full novels or even series, so I figured I’d create a guide to making an outline that is actually useful during the writing process so writers like me, who are more likely to write if they have a solid plan, will feel less lost. 

Outlining is surprisingly hard, and nobody does it exactly the same way. There’s no one right way to do it, but this is what is the most helpful to me and hopefully this article will help you understand what the true purpose of an outline is, how to create one that’s actually useful, and how to get everything you possibly can out of it.

Purpose Of Outlining

First, I must specify that, in this context, an outline is not simply a summary of the course of events within your story. It is also a detailed plan that will guide you in your writing process. An outline allows you to enter the task of completing a first draft with a good to fair chance of eloquently intertwining all of the essential elements of your story. Many authors do commit to creating an outline, but not an effective one. 

Not only should an outline provide a timeline for events of the story, but lay out a base plan for the execution of symbolism, orchestration of character and conflict development, introduction of world-building elements, and premeditate the domino effects that plot points will cause, whether to the main plot or subplots. These details make an outline useful, or at least more useful than the alternative, which only explains what happens without giving the Why or the How.

What To Outline

When it comes to creating an effective outline, it is important to remember that it is for you. You are free to create an outline that includes all or some or none of the things listed below. However, your story will include every single one of these things, and whichever ones are not planned beforehand will be more likely to challenge you when it comes to writing the actual draft.

Events

This one is fairly obvious, but I have some additional suggestions when it comes to creating a timeline of the events occurring in your story.

Outline the plot progression and the subplot progression. It’s helpful to outline these on the same timeline so you can see where subplots begin and end parallel to the main plot. I recommend color-coding to create a visual of your storylines.

When you plan an event in your story, make sure to specify why that scene is included and what purpose it will serve, to its corresponding subplot and the main plot overall.

Limit the amount of large events and small events that can occur. You should be able to determine which is which. I try to limit myself to 30 events total, or 10 main events and 20 smaller ones that build up to the larger. This isn’t a rigid limit, but it keeps you from biting off more than you can chew. This may seem like a lot of events, but smaller events can be things like a discussion between two characters or a scene in which a character is, say, driving to work and inwardly reflecting on something that recently happened.

It’s important to remember that more than one event can take place in a single scene. An event does not equal its own scene. Do not organize your timeline by scene. You will end up writing your story scene by scene rather than event by event, and you will regret it, because when you start telling a story based on the place it happened and when, you’ll leave out details and will be more likely to neglect opportunities to utilize subtext and symbolism.

Symbolism

Symbolism is not paid much attention when it comes to writing things outside of an educational environment, but it shows up in writing, whether intentionally by the writer or not. However, intentional symbolism adds depth and context to your story that cannot be obtained in any other way. Meaning and emotion are conveyed through symbolism, and your story will suffer if you don’t give it at least some of your time. Here’s some things you can do and some things you should remember when you’re outlining symbolism:

Find opportunities for symbolism in your story and utilize them to the best of your ability. If you want your character to have an object that they can’t live without, connect that object to something important that has happened in their life or make it symbolize a value they hold above all else or a belief that they will never abandon. 

Symbolism is best used to develop three things: plot, character, or background. 

Symbolism is best conveyed through objects, smaller events, rules, or relationships.

Specify the reason the symbol is being included in your outline. If you’re adding a symbol just so you can say that there is symbolism, you’re doing it wrong. Symbols should teach the reader something or convey a message to them, and if it does neither, don’t include it.

Development

Planning out the development of your conflict, characters, and theme of your story is one of the hardest parts of outlining because it’s not always possible to predict how your characters will turn out. Writing is a weird, personal, unpredictable process and sometimes our conflicts, characters, and themes end up developing on their own. However, it’s good to have some sort of idea what points A and B are, and which points are between them.

Conflicts develop mostly through a mixture of smaller, less significant events, and slow burning feelings that eventually bubble up in the climax. Those smaller events need to build up nicely to that climax. If you neglect this, it will result in lack of suspense due to no emotional building. The climax should feel like an explosion in the reader’s chest, not a leisurely stroll through a boring park.

Your character will be developed in the reader’s minds through the three main things we remember about a person: their actions, their words, and the way they present themselves outwardly. Any or all of these things may change over the course of the story, and that’s where the development will reveal itself. Your readers may empathize with your characters’ thoughts and feelings, but they won’t remember that as much as the three things listed above. Focus on planning the development through those three areas.

It’s very nice to have an outline that has detailed the plan for conveying the theme of your story. This is very easy to forget about while actually writing, and one or two footnotes about “This character’s action connects to the theme of subtle racism in America, because this gesture they’re described as using relates to a historical reference of blank blank blank” etc. can help a lot. Find several clever little ways to sprinkle in your theme throughout the book, but be intentional and very careful, because your theme is the easiest thing for critics and nitpickers to get snippy about.

Allow room for your story elements to develop on their own during the process. However, be aware of when these details stray from the original plan and think critically about them, because little changes can completely screw large plans.

World Elements

World building is one of the most fun parts of writing stories, mainly in the science fiction and fantasy genres, but it’s oddly strange to fit in pre-planned details while writing the draft. This is simply because you’re more focused on the plot and development of conflict and characters. There are little ways you can plan time for world development in your outline, though.

Plan short scenes that revolve around or at least rely on the reader learning details about the world, whether that be politics, magic systems, leadership in fictional worlds, or simple details that provide a sense of familiarity. 

A good example of this is Harry Potter. JK Rowling is a queen when it comes to world building, and that universe is so fully developed with locations and lore and languages and political systems. Yes, there were seven books, but that’s an astounding amount of information that was never developed in a clunky, information-overload sort of manner. She wrote several smaller scenes where the trio were simply discussing the events within the story and used those opportunities to introduce new locations, items, lore, etc. that created a world that millions still feel is a second home to them.

Remember to continue building the world as you go. There will come scenes where you find little cracks to fit in facts about the world. Use them. Just keep track of those little details in a separate place or something so you don’t contradict yourself later. You could keep a “___ textbook” or something where you organize information about your world so you can either track new details or refer back to things you’ve already specified.

Have rules for your world. Every great magic system or alternate universe in fiction has its limitations, and if you simply say “nope, no rules in this system” your readers won’t connect to the system and world as a whole as wholly and your world-building will be seen as lazy. That’s just the way it is. It’s also a lot harder to create conflict when there are no defined limits or rules in a fictional world or system.

Domino Effects

Every action, expression, or event has its own consequences. Everything in your story will have a ripple effect, and maybe your readers won’t see every wave, but they should feel most of them, and that’s a hugely neglected part of outlining. Anticipate how each scene will affect the plot progression, character relationships, emotions, etc. because readers sense when events don’t connect.

For each scene, specify what led up to it and what it leads to. An example would be, “Steve heard his mother talking to his best friend on the phone, then he drove to his friend’s house to ask him what it was about, then it leads to a fight when Steve finds out his friend and his mom are seeing each other.” This specifies the initiation of the event, the event, and how the event leads to further conflict. You can sense how Steve and his friend and his mother’s relationships will be changed, and how the characters will likely be acting for the foreseeable future.

I prefer to write down the events of my story on a single piece of paper, organized in three sections. The first being cause, the second being event, and the third being effect. This is a simple way to keep track of the domino effects in your story.

Again, you don’t need to plan every single wave that every single event causes, but you should plan how you’re going to include the relevant ones in your draft.

These domino effects are not linear all the time. Effects of some events may not show up until several scenes, or even chapters later. A lot of waves take time to build and then come crashing down at the very end, so keep those in mind too. Plan the long term effects of larger events as well.

How to Utilize Outlines

Outlines are a waste of time if you aren’t going to actually use them to their full potential. It’s also crucial to note that your outline isn’t set in stone when you begin writing your draft. You can and should be adding to and amending your outline as you go along. That being said, here are some ways you can use an outline to aid you while you write you draft.

Keep track of world-building and what limitations may be imposed on your world or characters by details you add as you write.

Use the outline to keep track of how far you are into the story so you can be intentional with foreshadowing and revealing information at the opportune moments.

Have your timeline parallel to your development trackers and sprinkle in moments that show that development.

As you continue writing your story, acknowledge the domino effects in mind so you can set up future events that might need that context.

Create little “symbolism milestones”, so you know when the height of a symbol’s importance shows up in your plot and you can emphasize on that symbol in the actual writing.

etc..

Bottom line is, you can outline however you want and use that outline however you see fit, as long as you’re using your time wisely and creating something that will be helpful to you. My main advice is to just keep the aforementioned elements in mind when considering what to plan for your story beforehand. Happy outlining!

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[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2019

#102 - All the Birds in the Sky, by Charlie Jane Anders

Mount TBR (66/100)

The Reading Frenzy’s “Bookish Treasure Hunt” Challenge -- A bird in the title or on the cover

Rating: 1/5 stars

All book reviews come with personal bias attached--as much as many reviewers (myself often included) like to think we are working from some hypothetically universal standard of "good" writing, we can't always agree on what those standards are and how to apply them fairly across all books. I say this now, because I'm about to write a negative review for this book, but for once, I recognize that my intense dislike is coming from a deeply personal place, and that my experience with it isn't necessarily a good sign post for whether or not this book is worth reading. I often write bad reviews for books because of things that I don't think other people want to be reading--unchallenged racism, sexism, homophobia, or pedophilia being the big ones, and I stand by those. I will continue to do my part warning people away from books that promote harmful ideologies, whenever I can. That isn't the case here. I can't stand this book because it reminds me too much of how I wrote when I was a teenager, and of all of the people who read my work then and told me how terrible it was. Yeah, it's personal. So, I didn't finish. I read the first hundred pages, and I gave up. I couldn't stand the constant misery, and I mean that quite seriously. Laurence and Patricia don't have much more personality than "I'm so weird and nonconformist that everyone bullies me." Laurence is science-flavored on top of that, Patricia witch-flavored. But they're such thin characters, and they simply can't support a story solely about the two of them without more development. To pile on extra misery, all of the members of both families are also horrible people who also mistreat them in some way. In that sort of environment I'd expect the two of them to become close friends, to be the only spot of good in each other's awful lives--but despite the overall narrative the blurb is trying to sell me, I'm not at all convinced these two are friends at all--they tolerate each other at best, and at worst they spend weeks not speaking to each other--and this setup does not have me confident that they're going to eventually fall in love. I'd be laughing at the reviews that call this book "romantic" if I weren't so disappointed, because I adore real romance, and I don't feel like I'm going to get that here. Let's go back to that science vs. witchcraft characterization. Because at a hundred pages in, I had only just gotten what looked like a plot, rather than chapter upon chapter of "look at how miserable and bullied these two kids are, don't you feel for them?" Theodolphus Rose, master assassin posing as a school counselor, tells Patricia that Laurence is an enemy of nature and must be killed. That's the conflict, and in other circumstances I might be interested--pitting kids against each other isn't new at all, but done well, it can certainly be compelling. Pitting potential romantic partners against each other can be awesome, whatever age group. So I'm not opposed to this basic plot. I am opposed to it taking almost one hundred pages to show up, and I'm opposed to the flimsy world-building that has done nothing to define the relative power of science and witchcraft. At first (in the very first chapter when I still thought I might like this book, it looked like my kind of weird,) I was enchanted by Patricia's magic and her talking to birds and going to the forest to see the Parliament. But there's no rules to anything related to magic, and without any sort of standards or explanations, there's really no upper limit on what magic can do in a story, whereas the real world has definite limits on science. Without the author setting up a system deliberately to make science and magic balanced, I find myself assuming magic can be more powerful (if Patricia ever gets access to it again, if not, this will be a dull story I didn't finish) so magic will obviously win. And that's just not interesting, if there's an obvious winner before the battle is even fought. Now, there are ways to subvert that expectation, and there are ways to move forward from the point where I stopped reading that might result in a better book than I expect it to be. But that low bar I have set in my mind is a result of that slapdash, flimsy world-building that amounts to "this is basically contemporary fiction but I want to put whatever I want into it and call it sci-fi and magical realism at the same time." I don't have a problem with genre-mixing. I'd be a giant hypocrite if I did. But a work doesn't get a free pass on mixing genres sloppily because it's quirky. It's the "quirky" thing that really gets me. I love absurdist humor, and there are elements of it here. Theodolphus' introduction at the mall almost had me laughing, it was so over the top and ridiculous, in just the way I like. I can't take it seriously in context, because it's so off-tone from everything else I read surrounding it, but in isolation it was hilarious and I loved it. For a brief moment, I felt like the author was channeling Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams, and I was on board. But if the whole book is meant to be absurdist, it doesn't go far enough, and absurdity for its own sake is exactly what my teenage writing (yeah, we're back to the personal part) was mocked by my peers for. And occasionally my teachers as well. I was a weird kid. I have no problem admitting that, though I was never bullied anything like Laurence and Patricia are shown to be. I had friends--it's not impossible to be weird and also have friends. I was also often an unhappy kid--teenagerhood was not particularly a good time for me--and writing was a thing I did to cope. I wrote escapist fantasy. I wrote about magic. I wrote about absurdity. I wrote about depression and misery. I wrote things in high school that were very like this story, both in tone and overall quality. The nearly universal response to these stories, when I was brave enough to let my friends read them or turn them in for writing assignments, was basically derision and ridicule. "It's too weird." "I don't get it." "What's the point?" "I don't like how strange it is." "It doesn't make sense." No matter how many times I tried to defend some of the most "weird" pieces by explaining that the absurdity of it was the whole point, the overall reaction was "stop being so childish and write things that make sense." I do, now. I've found ways to channel my love of the absurd in more palatable directions. I've studied my craft and "grown up," so to speak. I take great pains to make my worlds, no matter how "strange" they are, internally consistent and understandable. So here's the incredibly, undeniably personal part that you absolutely shouldn't apply to yourself and whether or not you want to read this book: I am (mildly) professionally envious and angry that this book is so praised when it reads exactly like the stuff I churning out by the notebook-full at fifteen that everyone hated. It stings. I cringed constantly with second-hand embarrassment while I was reading this, as if all of my flaws had come back to haunt me. Thin world-building because I wanted it the way I wanted it and I didn't do the work making it cohesive. Awkward and stilted dialogue. An "me against them" mentality in my main characters. No plot to speak of for ages because I was more interested in making my world weird than having a story take place in it. Objectively speaking--as objectively as possible for me, at this point--I don't think this is a good book, but obviously its weirdness resonates with a lot of people, and you might enjoy it. If you think it sounds good, then maybe for you, it will be. Speaking with extreme and noted bias, this book is bad, and I can't stand it, and I will never finish it and wish I hadn't spent the few hours I already did attempting to read it. I want that time back. **After I spent a solid hour writing, rewriting, and editing this review, I wondered if I should even post it in full. After all, it is highly biased and not particularly applicable to other people in many places. I thought about it a lot. I considered where I could cut the stuff that shouldn't matter to anyone else, the stuff that revealed too much of me, the things that might do more harm than good. But I've always written honest reactions to books, because I think reviews are only useful and helpful when they're honest. So I'm posting the whole thing, because I worked hard putting my thoughts and feelings in order and being up front about my biases. Whether or not this is a helpful, useful review is only part of the point. It was cathartic to write, and if another writer sees this and feels understood, then it's worth it.        

[a34trgv2]

In Defense of Black Panther

WARNING: There will be spoilers for the film Black Panther. If you haven’t seen the film, please watch it before reading this post.

Black Panther one of the MCU’s most well received films from a critical and financial standpoint (with 97% out of 455 critics giving an average rating of 8.3/10 on Rotten Tomatoes and making $1.3 billion dollars at the box office). It’s even made history as the first superhero film to be nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. So, naturally there are a select few people that claim it’s “overrated” or “not worthy of all the hype” as is the case with every film that makes a splash with audiences, critics and film institutes like the Academy of Arts and Science. Full disclosure, if you dislike this film, that’s fine. It’s impossible for any one movie to please everyone. That said though, it’s still important to recognize why it resonated with so many people, including myself. Calling it (or anything, for that matter) “overrated” makes you sound jealous. With that out of the way, let’s talk about why Black Panther is not just a great film, but an important one. 

Despite being set in the ever expanding Marvel Cinematic Universe, Black Panther is very much a standalone picture with the only acknowledgement to the film T’Challa was introduced in, Captain America: Civil War, occurring in the beginning and post credits scene of the film. T’Challa’s father, T’Chaka, died in Civil War and Bucky is seen living in a hut now under a new moniker, White Wolf. The plot mainly revolves around T’Challa learning the difference between being a good man and a good king. If Peter Parker had to learn “with great power comes great responsibility” T’Challa has to learn what responsibility he must take for the good of his country. This plot reminds me of this quote Mufasa said in The Lion King to Simba: “...there’s more to being a king then getting your way all the time.” The film shows how T’Challa’s actions can make or break his country and if it were put in the wrong hands, it can lead to dangerous consequences. That’s where Erik “Killmonger” Stevens comes in and when he defeats T’Challa in combat and becomes the new king, his first order of business is to send weapons to blacks around the world, which would lead to genocide. Killmonger is who T’Challa would’ve became if he let his bitterness consume him, and the two of them actually learn alot from one another by the end.

Let’s talk about Killmonger and why he’s one of the best villains I’ve seen in a film, comic book or otherwise. Every minute he’s on screen we learn more and more about him and why he’s does what he does. At the start of the film, T’Chaka killed his brother, N’Jobu, for attempting to kill Zuri after it was revealed that he’s been stealing Vibranium and giving it to Ulysses Klaue. N’Jobu being Killmonger’s father, the young boy spent his entire life killing and getting stronger so that he could take his place as king and right the wrong that was done to him. Killmonger represents the anger and frustrations of many young black men who are oppressed and undermined on a daily basis and if they had the power, they’d make all the oppressors pay. During the final fight, T’Challa recognizes where his hate comes from and makes an effort to be a better king than his father. Killmonger is a good villain not because he wants power, but because he wants to help other people just like him but is going at it the same way Adolf Hitler did: not through peace, but genocide. Also he kills 5 people, beats T’Chaala to near death and burned all the heart shaped herbs that gives the Black Panther his powers.

Now Killmonger is a great villain, but it’s the hero we’re all here for. So let’s talk about T’Challa. What makes T’Challa such an interesting and well throughtout character is how calm and nice he is. He remains the better man even when he has every reason to be otherwise. Not to mention, he’s just so charming and has a good heart. Ultimately though, it’s how he deals with the fact that his father wasn’t a saint like he always thought he was that makes him so relatable. He goes through an array of different emotions when he’s in the Ancestral Plane: anger, disappointment, sadness, resentment. We spend our entire child hoods believing our parents to be the best in the world and when we learn they committed heinous acts such as murder, it turns our world upside down. But rather then spend time wallowing in his misery, T’Challa makes an effort to be better than his ancestors and ensure someone like Killmonger doesn’t happen again. Captain Logon of Geekvolution made the bold claim that T’Challa, Captain America and Luke Cage were better Supermen than the one in the DCEU and I think that’s true, considering the thought of giving up NEVER crossed T’Challa’s mind.

This film goes above and beyond when it comes to making strong supporting characters. Starting with Shuri, she has definitely become an audience favorite and is in my top 10 supporting characters. At just 16, her genius makes her on par with the likes of Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. Also, she has some of the funniest moments in the film, including the “What are those?” gag. I’m aware many people hate memes being used in popular media, but when it’s done well, it’s at the very least chuckle worthy. She is responsible for upgrading the Black Panther suit, controlling vehicles from her lab and having battle armor ready for Nakia during the final battle. Speaking of which, Nakia is very much a subverted love interest as despite showing good chemistry with T’Challa, they’re not an item in this film until the very end and by then it feels earned. Nakia is very much by T’Challa’s side the entire time an it feel natural like they’ve been friends since childhood as opposed to them just meeting at the start of the film. Then there’s Okoye, captain of the Dora Milaje and loyal to the thrown even if Killmonger’s in it. She see’s T’Challa not just as her king but also a friend. Her lover, W’Kabi, makes for a good friend turned foe and shares perfect chemistry with her. T’Challa’s mother, Ramonda, makes for a good supporting character, showing that she very much loves her son and is willing to anything she can for him. Zuri is a good adviser and key player in Killmonger’s arc. M’baku of the Jabari tribe was just so much fun, being a fierce rival for T’Challa and having some good jokes thrown in for good measure. Then we have Ulysses Klaue, the nasty but clever and funny thief who has a Vibranium arm since he was last seen in Avengers: Age of Ultron. He just steals the show every time he’s on screen until Killmonger kills him and drops him at the border of Wakanda.

Credit should really be given to the cast for bringing these characters to life. Chadwick Boseman gives what is quite possibly his most defining performance in his career, playing a compelling, charming, and so very human character with super human abilities. Michael B. Jordan made Killmonger his own, bringing out his humanity and bitterness towards the people who oppressed him. Letitia Wright very much sells the spunky Shuri is meant to have as well as being tech savy. Lupita Nyong’o, Danai Gurrea, Forrest Whitaker, Angela Basset, Winston Duke and Daniel Kaluuya are all good and very memorable as Nakia, Okoye, Zuri, Ramonda, M’Baku, and W’Kabi respectively. The one having the most fun in this film is Andy Serkis as Ulysses Klaue, taking full advantage of his onscreen presence with his eccentric and funny personality.

The soundtrack for the film is also very memorable, embracing the African atmosphere with sounds and music influenced by countries in the continent. Rapper Kendrick Lamar was brought on to produce music for the film and his single, All The Stars (featuring SZA) used in the end credits ties in to Killmonger’s arc perfectly. Not only does the music play a key part in bringing this film to life, but the costumes and visuals aesthetic make the it feel alive. The costumes feel like they belong in an African country, making use of various colors from the lower East side of the continent. People seem to have a problem with the CG used in the film, particularly in the final battle. I’m not sure what the problem is, the CG looks fine throughout the film. Wakanda feels lived in and looks like a real place you could visit. Practical effects such as really buildings and cooking stations were used for shots in the city, but for wide shots, the CG looks flawless. I guess they’re referring to how T’Challa and Killmonger fighting in the Vibranium minds “looks like a PS2 game.” If I may go on a side tangent, I really hate the “it looks like a video game” argument. I undermines the hard work and effort that went in to making games as well as the effort put into CG in movies. In this case, the CG looks exactly like what it’s showing: two guys in black cat suits (one purple, the other orange) duking it out in a dimly lit cave. I might not be a visual effects supervisor, but even I can tell the difference from a game that came out a decade and a half ago and a movie released in 2018.

The last thing I want to talk about is why this film resonated so much with people, particularly with people of color. Contrary to popular belief, the fact that this film has a black superhero is not the only reason why it resonated with black people. It’s actually has to do with timing and how that played a huge part in it’s success. Racism still thrives around the world, particularly here in America. Just 2 years before this film came out, Zootopia tackled racism in a way children could understand and that also resonated with people unlike most animated films have done. Black Panther tackles a different angel than Zootopia and yet gets it’s message across just as effectively. Deep down, we’re very much like Killmonger. Everybody is sick of racism and we all want to do something about it. However, as the film shows, genocide is NOT the answer. The reason why the Holocaust happened and terrorism exists is because people think that killing other people they don’t like is the best solution. This film ends with T’Challa learning the right lesson from Killmonger: by opening Wakanda to the rest of the world and offering to help people instead of hurt them, T’Challa proves to be the best king in Wakandan history. The film isn’t “just another superhero movie” as some would claim it to be. It’s the film we need now more than ever. We need to be told being angry at the oppressor isn’t going to stop him, but offering to help those who are being oppressed makes a big difference. To quote a young woman from a little movie about space ships, “That’s how we’re going to win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love.”

Look, the film isn’t perfect by any means. Martian Freeman gives a good performance as Everett Ross, but the character is just there to be the “Phil Coulson-esqu” type of character. That and I was a little bummed we didn’t get to see more of Klaue in the film. That said, I have nothing but positive things to say about the film. As a film it’s got a strong story, excellent characters, impressive visual effects, a memorable sound track and great performances all around. And to top it all off, it’s message culturally significant and it’s delivered in an organic way that doesn’t come across as pretentious. To anyone who dubs this film “overrated” (looking at you Dishonoured Wolf -.-), please refrain from doing so. It’s fine if you don’t like it, but you can’t deny that it’s message isn’t important. I now leave you with a quote from T’Challa himself. 

[xz017]

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oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[davidjjohnston3]

Might be last 'typing for a while... I f--king hate myself for not taking that job; the principal was sincere; they called my former employer.  The landscape was beautiful like 'The Place Promised in Our Early Days' with the dark pines.  Paju is a center of the publishing industry although books / fiction and the whole 'condition of fiction' by which people think their own children, neighbors, selves etc. are anime characters is pozzed from here to Eternity along with personality-politics. There is a poem or 'hymn' or 'psalm' or 'cry of the heart' I wish I could write spurred partially by Servants of Christ's video with the river in Korea and 'I Need Thee Ev'ry Hour.  I don't know why I took myself for a failure for so long or put down roots in this poisoned Babylon when in retrospect people were sending me little 'Evangelical Satanism' messages in the form of brand-slogans et cetera for like 5 years instead of reasoning honestly.  That's why I sincerely say nuke Milwaukee - that's not pedagogy, neighborliness, love, family, friendship.  It's nothing but a swap-meet. I got sad today looking at a picture of a celebrity from a famous rigged girl-group that I always defended the rigging of due to aesthetic opinions about 'composition' and realizing something that my college girlfriend's roommate realized about her back in the day but then I felt, 'The condition of prostitution in some respects is preferable to the condition of Germanic / Teutonic purism, which leads to pedophilia and homosexuality on the one hand and mass-murder on the other.'  Moreover you can just look at a f-cking hostess-bar and talk and it prepares one for love IMO better than Western movies although I don't know anymore. I wanted to cancel all my projects like 'Stepfather' (about a teacher getting sick of his colleagues for innuendos, careerism, negativity in the lounge, everything that ppl KNOW is bad but no one ever fixes)... just 'cause I don't know if I can even live and moreover I started to intuit the different endings idle vain people would want to see. I keep saying again and again a key component of the 'Covid culture wars' is 'anti-belief' as well as people's wanting to duel one another to the death over past grievances micro or macro.  At day's end and at bottom 'anti-belief' - or attempting to convince people that truth is a lie; ex. that Koreans are unreal - compels people to pare themselves down to their ultimate solipsism or, I realize, inability to distinguish Flesh from Spirit in any fruitful and abiding way. I was reflecting on how talking about 'The Meaning of Marriage' led someone to cohabitate which totally failed for me as well as wondering whether my gifting this book was interpreted as a 'magic sign' rather than simple no-hidden-message offering.  One thing I loved about Koreans at least at my first job was there were no hidden messages at least from the senior administration. I drove to Bethlehem College and Seminary and felt a power radiating from the church but am in no position to assist them or join their Global Studies program which I'd wanted to intellectually.  I haven't really done anything with my life but study EAS, K-Studies, languages, etc.  I had visions and dreams of stealth-bombers honestly, Russian drills planting nuclear devices deep in the Earth to destabilize the orbital axis - Putin could kill any or all of us at any time, I am convinced.  I wondered if the Russians or 'Varangians' were the 'last people.'  They decide. In Milwaukee, in Germany people joke about things like Hitler's dog, racism, homosexuals and amuse themselves waiting for people to get hoist by their own petard.I also remembered how for years I thought about Cordelia in 'King Lear' but despite reading this play like 30 times I still don't understand completely how a 'Christology of Cordelia' could be articulated to make people understand their blindness to Charity.Also related to Mary HK Choi's 'Yolk,' a novel which disappointed me but which I felt could be one of those 'ultima novels; last words.' I keep remembering despite whoever wants to make me forget that Covid is or was an opportunity to pursue better international relations / build connections and relations not dependent on blind policies like IMO American NK policy or other official diplomacy.  I had big dreams about avoiding war as well as people holding goods more in common by my attempts to donate a few laptops and some money stripped me of my net worth and were not proportionately matched.  Everyone seems so determined to live their own story and cling to things when they could be dead in 24hrs from Delta variant Covid 19 and everyone knows it.  Tornadoes, hailstorms.  Man spent the last hundred years of more building trillions of dollars of weapons of war while schooling problems are the same as they were back in 1881 - as are the problems faced by graduates particularly orphans and minorities and, also, any intellectual in a society which still despises these three categories.   Maybe I just gave people dreams in the past and maybe I was too free in the past or stopped wearing the right clothes too soon.  I gave up on the future long ago - I reflected recently as I had always felt but not articulated - that as Koreans say the favored child is favored outside the home so too the hated child is hated - but I kept getting chances even without understanding others' points of view to be a part of their past.  But I don't even know if Education is the point or Build Back Better or anything like that when 4 million people died and the '3rd world' variants from India as well as South America are basically destined to come to the 1st world.  I tried to convince people that there could be a beautiful future in which everyone lived more lovingly, courageously et cetera and rediscovered God.   I also felt, however, from a long time ago that when it comes to US Korea policy and perhaps to the salvation or deliverance of America's domestic population from a worse Covid variant the most caring organization literally is the military and not any philanthropy; I don't know if anyone else could step in, though by that same token, I was thinking about IXK / anti-racism which I embrace as an alternative to Obamaism, and couldn't help feeling like the 'Grand Alliance' of this day has something to do with abortion-culture (which [Chancellor] John Piper summarizes as men playing God the Father and the strong preying on the weak; and for which I formulated the term 'unconditional evil' or the attitude that powerful men possess a lifelong veto over the lives and wellbeing of anyone else), though coefficient with race-relations or rather 'recognition' of other people as beautiful, beloved, perhaps chosen.  I was telling someone 'Language is a phenomenological...'  My favorite songs other than 'I Need Thee,' 'This Is My Father's House,' some older stuff, have been 'Make Me Love You' by Kim Taeyeon which is a song about the 'shared gaze' and 'Clover' by Fromis which embodied my desire to help kids 'get life right the first time' through teachers and structures that would 'save people from themselves.'  But then my mind traveled to Japan, swords, halberds, maidens, all kinds of new birth-defects and problems in the new age, and I couldn't help feeling that some things will be very much the same and in a way it is my fault for losing my fire.  I'm dreaming in dark red and am incredibly frustrated reading Eric Feigl-Ding on Twitter that the West - Canada, America, UK - is perpetrating this corporatist mass-sacrifice.. I want to just fly away to KR where at least they count the bodies honestly but wish Americans would go home, get married, go to Church more often.  Everyone seems so unwilling to put their stories on hold or discard their fetishes / idols (Healthcare, Money / Mammon, Science, The Past, Ultimate Communist Utopian Social Justice, Almighty Meritocracy...).  Some ambrosial(?) explosion, the Face of Jesus, with or without me may the 'Grand Alliance' prevail.

[angelholme]

May, Myself and I -- Year 3, Day 19 : Dreams

"You only realise you are dreaming once you have woken up"

There are a great many books, essays, studies, works and other related things about the nature of reality.

They tell us that the universe is several billion years old, that the earth is slightly fewer billion years old and that humanity is just a few million years old. That we didn't coexist with the dinosaurs, that earth was formed by lots of other rocks being sucked in by a larger rock and that the solar system was -- more or less -- formed the same way.

They also tell us that -- according to what I think is the best knowledge in the world -- the universe was created by a huge explosion at the "dawn of time" and before that we have literally no idea what happened before then. Because according to the best knowledge we have there was nothing before then -- literally nothing.

It turns out that while we understand quite a lot (well -- a lot, well -- some of) how the universe works, what we understand is based on what we have come to understand as the basic physical laws of our universe. Force is mass multiplied by acceleration, every action has an equal and opposite reaction -- that sort of thing.

So when we examine a universe that existed before this one -- such as one before the big bang -- we cannot possibly understand it, because it (most likely) doesn't conform to our physical laws, so it is beyond our comprehension.

It turns out that the human race is not good with things it doesn't understand -- with things that are different. I am pretty sure that is why we hate spiders (they are so WILDLY different from human beings that they just creep us out beyond all rational expectations), and why things like racism and homophobia, transphobia and xenoppobia are still around.

It's also why people -- even scientific people, even rational scientific people, have issues grasping the idea of life that could be entirely different from us. Life based not on carbon, but on silicon, or nitrogen, or hydrogen. Life where carbon is not the basic building block.

I think it's also why people are so reticent to believe in magic, and mythical beings, because it contradicts what we accept as the basic laws of the universe -- but magic, from a certain point of view, is just the manipulation of energy.

However that is a topic for another time, because now I am going to return to the idea of dreams and the idea that when you are dreaming you believe it to be real, and when you are awake you realise it isn't.

Because when you are dreaming you live in an entirely different world. A world where anything is possible, but a world where -- sometimes (most of the time) you are not entirely in control. A world where somethings you see things that aren't real, and a world where sometimes you do things you didn't think were possible.

A world which, from a certain point of view -- sounds like the world we live in now.

Which does, for me at least, beg the question :-

Do we live in the real world, or are we all living in a dream world? Sharing a communal dream, from which one day we will all wake up?

For all the knowledge we have about the nature of the universe, the way the world was created and the world in which we live, it is all predicated on the understanding of world as we know it.

So when people estimate the age of the earth to be four and a half billion years, that is based on the information we have on how to date the earth. (Using the age old adage -- if you have a three foot ruler and you measure a piece of wood, it will be three foot long. But if your ruler is only actually 2 foot, 11 inches then your three foot piece of wood won't be three foot long).

Before I started writing this, I was -- as is my wont sometimes -- playing Hitman. I was wandering round the virtual world of Whittleton Creek, trying to find a mad old woman who sold cookies so I could stab her in the chest. (Which I know sounds kind of mean, but someone wants her dead. And this is entirely beside the point I am trying to make).

The village of Whittleton Creek comes into existence when the mission is created, and all of the characters, memories and personalities are created -- fully formed -- when the town comes into existence. They exist as long as the mission is running, and -- providing I don't whack any of the characters along the way -- they only cease to exist when the mission ends.

But for that entire period of time, the characters -- as far as they know -- are a fully functioning community. Their world exists much like our world. They can walk, run, talk, think, eat, drink, sleep, have sex, fight, flee, blow things up and so on.

They are, for all intents and purposes, fully functional human beings. And while some would say their thought patterns are limited because they aren't capable of thinking outside their pre-programmed ideas, I would say the same applies to human beings.

There are a fair number of people who have a limited number of thoughts and will never be able to think beyond those thoughts -- and if you ask them to, they will refuse or have a melt down.

The virtual inhabitants of Whittleton Creek are -- within their own virtual world -- as real as you or me. (You or I? I remember a line from Rilla of Ingleside where she says "Me?" and it suggests she is being ungrammatical, and that always stuck with me but I could never entirely understand why)

So if two dozen citizens of a virtual world can be considered real -- when they only exist for limited periods of time -- then why is it beyond reason to ask if an entire planet of people might not be in the same situation?

Could we be virtual inhabitants of a virtual world? Living in a simulated reality, or a video game? Not one that has been running for several million years, but one that was turned on two days ago, or a week ago? One where I, or you, or that woman you drove past on the street, is the lead character and everyone else is just an NPC?

The Whittleton Creek mob don't know they exist in a virtual world, so why would we? All we know is the world we live in, and all we can discover is that world. And more to the point, we'd never be able to look beyond what we know of our world because we'd never be able to exceed our programming -- since no programmer would want us to do that.

I suppose by this point you are probably wondering do I really believe this? Well -- yes and no. I am a big believer in science, and tend not to dismiss it easily. But on the other hand I tend not to dismiss ideas out of hand just because they are utterly ridiculous.

And -- to be quite honest -- I really have very little interest in the true nature of reality. I care more about the here and now, and what we can do for each other rather than where we came from and how we got here. So making random suggestions -- that everything we see or seem is but a dream within a dream, or that we are all living in a huge video game and our goal is to reach level 2 without being destroyed -- is just my way of having fun and seeing how many other people have a sense of humour.

And also how many other people recognise Poe when they hear him quoted.