#unfathomable. identity crisis.

[crowley1990]

See if you say Dean is brunette that means I am brunette and I can’t even contemplate that

[confusedgeckotree]

Someone convince me not to rebrand my entire personality to be the Toy Soldier /hj

I want to be TS so bad. My gender? Whatever the Toy Soldier has going on

My pronouns? I'm Just Happy To Be Referred To

....gods I love TS so much

[serregon]

thinking about an au where Niënor survives her fall and has a hurt/comfort thing with Mablung anyway here’s a bunch of rambling thoughts about a very niche ship

so the narn story doesn’t change much, this is basically just a bit of a sequel where Niënor survives her suicide attempt and Mablung finds her in the river

even though she survived, the river was not kind to her. several broken bones, half concussed from hitting her head, multiple infections from river grime entering open wounds and sores. she survived, but only barely. she wishes she was dead bc she’s in so much pain she can’t even move

not to mention the mental trauma. she just found out that she has been living a life that was not her own for the past three years, in which she was in a relationship with her own brother and got pregnant with an incest baby. she has to process all that while lying in the river half dead from her own suicide attempt. fun

Mablung, after frantically scouring the river for a full day without a minute of rest and almost declaring his efforts to find her vain, finally finds her and pulls her out of the river.

Mabs and his companions take care of her and dress her wounds. it’s a long healing process, she’s been through a lot

Niënor’s in no place mentally or physically to have a baby. it wouldn’t have made it anyway, falling off a cliff and all. elves aren’t very familiar with abortions since they literally can not have unplanned pregnancies, but they have heard of practices among the edain and they find an abortifacient from a Haladin herbalist. no moral hang-ups, they’re just like yeah this is what needs to happen if we want to save her life

when Niënor’s broken bones have healed, she goes out to see the stone bearing her name. it’s surreal to her, she feels like a ghost seeing her own grave. Mablung asks her if he should remove her name, but she wants it to stay as it is, her old self is dead and she’s a new person

Niënor’s thoughts on Túrin are. complicated. she hates him, she loves him, she hates herself for loving him, she will never forgive him, she will never forgive herself for loving him, she’s disgusted by those memories, she wishes she never knew the truth, she never wants to think about him again, she misses him. but mostly she mourns for the life that they could have had together, for the brother she never got to know as a brother

the attraction she felt towards Túrin immediately died upon the sibling reveal, but like she had someone who truly loved and cared for her, she had a pretty sweet domestic life with him for a little while. and she has to reconcile the fact that the relationship that once felt so good was actually this horrible traumatic thing. she hates the fact that a part of her still longs for that relationship

Niënor and Mablung had bit of a prior relationship in Doriath, and they do eventually fall in love with each other again, but between the suicide attempt, an identity crisis, and coming to terms with unfathomable trauma, romance is at the bottom of their list of priorities

it’s a slow process but they fall in love with each other again. Mablung still loved Niënor the whole time, but he’s patient and won’t push her if she’s hesitant to love again after everything that she went through. Niënor falls for Mabs again and for the first time she’s glad she survived her fall

they have sex for the first time—or at least, they try to. the sex triggers a flashback to the incest and Niënor freaks out. once the initial panic dies down she’s all “oh no I’m broken and unlovable :(“ and Mabs reassures her that he loves her and that she can take all the time she needs before they are ready to be intimate again, and it’s ok if she is never ready. and he cuddles with her and tells her how strong she is

they are eventually able to have sex again and it’s very slow and sweet and loving and Niënor starts crying a little and Mablung gets worried but she reassures him that she’s overwhelmed in a good way

I know babies ever after is a tired cliche but hear me out. Niënor wanted to be a mother, and she’s finally able to have a child with a relationship that is actually like, consensual

[agentrouka-blog]

so much of asoiaf is a conversation with other epic fantasies + fairy tales, i was wondering if you have any thoughts on the patterns for what kind of tropes grrm likes to clearly subvert and break vs which he likes to expand and elevate but still largely adhere to (like how he plays with beauty and the beast, the image of princesses in towers, and boy kings)

Hi anon!

I'm not enough of a scholar to do this ask proper justice. I lack the background in literary history to put the various literary influences (and historical and biblical and mythological...) into a relationship with each other. From his own interviews, GRRM has always been attracted to both dark drama and literary romanticism, acting out complex soap operas with his turtles and swooning over "radiant" Elizabeth Taylor in Ivanhoe as a young boy. He loves Shakespeare and superhero comic series. ASOIAF seems like an intuitive, self-indulgent playground for swirling it all into a tasty soup.

Generally speaking, GRRM seems attracted to the idea of interrogating what makes tropes or scenarios tick from the inside, and he sometimes allows them to disintegrate in order to show what doesn't work. Where a trope is a mere clichè. It's the same way he tries showcasing why certain behaviors are productive and creative while others are destructive and ultimately futile. It's not so much the specific tropes as the way he uses them.

What does it mean to command supernatural powers, practically and philosophically? Dragons? Warging? What's the personal motivation of the unfathomable apocalypse moving toward humanity? Where is the line at which conflict veers over into plain abuse in popular romantic tropes? What specifically marks the inherent difference between a hero and a villain ("the hero of the other side")? Can we tell if that difference blurs and disappears? What does it take for genre conditioning to give way to objective information?

GRRM lets the Beauty and the Beast trope disintegrate with Sansa and Sandor because mere familiar imagery doesn't bridge the fact that a grown adult is terrorizing, sexually harrassing and assaulting a pre-teen. There is no romance there, though some are blinded by the shape of the box to what's actually inside it.

GRRM uses the imagery to explore a dynamic between idealism in the face of oppression vs. a self-serving cynicism born from disillusionment. Instead of romance, it becomes a confrontaton of values, which Beauty wins. Sansa stays true to herself while the cynical Beast ends up in an existential crisis about his life choices. The same is, ultimately, true of Jaime and Brienne. If there is a hidden prince underneath the mantle of a Beast(ling), his true identity is yet to be revealed. Ahem.

Princesses in Towers occupy a range from Sansa Stark over Lyanna Stark and Val and Arianne Martell and they are all different, with varying ambitions amd levels of personal power, and you're invited to conclude that maybe it's not the princess that's the problem but the fact that people keep putting her into towers at all.

Warrior maid with a sword - badass, or maybe the purest way to examine what it means to choose - truly choose - to wield a tool designed to kill other people? What is she doing to herself that boys are never even allowed to question - lest they be condemned as a waste of space like Samwell? What might justify this choice?

How many people can a character rape or murder before the reader questions their hero status if the author doesn't explicitly point it out? POV trap, do your magic.

Basically, GRRM puts a trope on a table and raises a scalpel to take it apart, and maybe he puts it back together again, depending on what he finds.

[adamwatchesmovies]

A Single Man (2009)

A Single Man is an impressive directorial debut for Tom Ford, who went on to direct Nocturnal Animals in 2016 - a film that is permanently burned into my memory. This is a completely different kind of beast; a sensitive, contemplative, sad picture that’s confidently directed, brilliantly shot and showcases an extraordinary performance by Colin Firth. Aside from an aspect of the conclusion and marketing campaign, it’s just about flawless.

In 1962, George Falconer (Colin Firth) still mourns his longtime partner, Jim (Matthew Goode), who died in a car accident eight months earlier. As he prepares to kill himself, he takes the time to admire the many beautiful things in life he will enjoy for the last time.

The marketing campaign (and DVD cover) prominently show Colin Firth and Julianne Moore, who plays George’s longtime friend, Charley. Looking at it, you’d think this was a romantic drama about a straight man, which it isn’t. It’s more than a little insulting that the Weinstein Company tried to hide the film’s gay identity to make it more commercially viable. What George is feeling is universal; it’s just that having a gay man in the 1960s as our protagonist amplifies the story's drama and emotions. Jim was the most important part of George’s life but he isn’t allowed to go to his dead lover’s funeral. His oldest friend, Charley, doesn’t understand what kind of relationship they had. She assumes it could never be as fulfilling or ‘real’ as the one she thinks he is now free to have with her. Every time George sees another gay man, he’s reminded of what he will miss. Jim’s lips, the quiet, intimate conversations late at night, the smell of his hair, etc. In theory, George could move on and find someone else. It’s not unfathomable considering the people he meets but every first encounter feels uncomfortable. So much of the courting has to be done in code, gauging if the other person is saying what you think they’re saying. It's exhausting. Even if the men he meets would reciprocate his feelings, it wouldn’t be the same. With the Cuban Missile Crisis and the threat of nuclear armageddon looming in the background, what’s the point of even trying?

If it weren’t for the sadness George feels, the camerawork would make this film a gorgeous celebration of life. The shots of people jumping and swimming in water, the soft light of mornings and black-and-white photographs whose true meaning is only known to the people who were there all transport you to a vivid world of infinite possibilities. George is a very serious man but at one point, we hear him laugh. His laugh is so goofy and seemingly out of place it makes you see this whole other person who’s buried deep in grief and is itching to come out. The connection he makes with Kenny (Nicholas Hoult) is full of the same excitement you feel when you first catch the eye of someone you really like. It gives you hope that this movie won’t be as sad as it’s presenting itself to be… but then it is. A Single Man is not afraid of its gay characters but it is ultimately yet another variant of the "depressed, lonely gay man who cannot find happiness drama". All you’d have to do is cut it off a few minutes before the end credits and you’d have a far less typical film. A Single Man is still terrific but it succumbs to a cliché at the end.

Despite the disappointing conclusion, A Single Man is very much worth seeing. The performance by Colin Firth alone would be enough. He plays such a reserved character that at a glance, he might be difficult to read but in the scant 100 minutes the film plays for, you get to know him so well you see everything he feels even through the smallest visual ticks or the most unassuming words. Then, there’s the direction by Tom Ford and the cinematography. This is a gorgeous, thoughtful film. (On DVD, August 23, 2021)

[sherbovania]

🚨 new lore post 🚨

there is another pink bitch i have neglected to talk about because she is. a lot

formally introducing u all to desire, the famed queen of harlots and satan’s first daughter. ultranationalist and certified war criminal with earth-shattering family drama, she has it all <3

she's a creep she's a weirdo. like radiohead said or whatever

girl stop chasing your employees to get their validation stoppppp you're scaring the hoes

has a dante/vergil type dynamic with her twin brother dimitri, a phenomenon we like to call "the shit twins"

desire is the intrepid leader of the second circle of hell and is thus the arbiter of lust which comes with some silly responsibilities. for one she has sole jurisdiction over the entire succubi/incubi race which make up a good 90% of her kingdom and are sparsely located elsewhere. she has never ever handled this power responsibly, ESPECIALLY now that there's a social crisis going on (which will be discussed at a later date. right here actually) she has no fucking clue how to solve or at least alleviate their issues at least a little. second of all she's constantly waging war or starting insurgencies under fake identities for funsies that only her specialest little pogchamps may particpate in. surprisingly the kingdom at large isn't militaristic, it's exclusively desire and her subordinates being weird about it

besides being hot and correct about everything she is also unfathomably and horrifically scarred by the apocalypse that happened a couple thousand years ago :D the event itself could get its own post but the long and short of it is that ego, the primordial sin and arbiter of pride (who's like this giant enigmatic amorphous...thing) escaped containment in the bottommost pits of hell and shook the entirety of the infernal hellspire to create the first apocalypse. she nearly fucking died, her dad abandoned her, her twin brother abandoned her. it was a whole thing. anyways that's where she got the X-shaped scar on her back (the rest are from her warmongering exploits). she's kinda distanced herself from who she was before then, referring to her glory days as an entirely different person called nymphomania. it's just a cope though, she's barely changed since then lol

you might’ve seen already but she has sort of a harem going on! her servants or uh, “employees”, samidare and vanity, are hopelessly stuck to her because of the ludicrously high pay so she uses them as her romantic playthings. vanity is a relatively new recruit that's become desire's new object of affection, she doesn't exactly reciprocate so our hashtag girlboss desperately tries to manipulate her into spending more time at her estate AS WELL AS dumping her new stoner boyfriend!!! a regular 20-something dude has become the number one psychic enemy of one of the rulers of the infernal hellspire like literally get a job girl

her relationship with sami is a bit more complex than i previously laid out lol, they've known each other for millenia and kinda locked themselves into an eternal toxic codependency. sami hates the person desire is trying to become, and desire hates the person she "used" to be. they can't stand each other but are so deeply ingrained in one another's lives that they can't afford to leave.

anyways the next lore post is either gonna be about the succubus crisis or sami. peace and love on planet earth byeeee

[sunstormbudgie]

Existential Ponderings: The Reverse Multiverse

Here's an idea I had that might be existential crisis-inducing for some people.

So I think most people would be familiar with the idea of a multiverse. There are many different versions of this theory, but a common one is the idea of an indefinitely branching timeline of universes, with universes diverging as time goes by. For every decision you ever make, there exists an alternate universe in which you made a different decision. The more time goes by, the more universes exist.

Here's where my idea comes in. What if, instead of a multiverse that branches forward in time, we were in a universe that branches backward in time?

This idea came to me as I was thinking about dinosaurs. There's so much we don't know about how animals of the distant past lived. There's a lot we may never know. But you don't even have to go that far back in the history of the universe to find gaps in our knowledge that will likely never be filled.

It's easy to feel disconnected from stories of ancient history. Sure, intellectually, you know all those events happened. But it can be hard to visualise such things when all the fine details are lost. Even our own memories are flawed.

Here's an interesting philosophical question: is the past real? And I don't mean that in a Last Thursdayist sense. From a laws-of-physics point of view, is the past tangible?

The only way we can ever truly know what the past was like is through causality. Our memories are formed as we experience different things, we can infer what happened before based on how things are now. Causality is at the core of physics as we know it.

Here's where things get complicated. Thanks to something called thermodynamics, energy has a tendency to spread out over time; entropy ever increasing. Physicists have theorised that eventually, the universe will meet a state of maximum entropy, an event also known as the Heat Death.

Imagine, if you can, that you have been transported to a hypothetical universe which has already reached its heat death. In this universe, everything is already in its lowest possible energy state. Nothing can happen anymore. But this also means that you can't really figure out how all this stuff got here. Everything is pretty much just the same everywhere. In fact, it might even be that all matter in the universe has been trapped inside a single, unfathomably enormous black hole.

But even if you can't figure out what the universe looked like before its heat death, you might be able to figure out what it could have possibly looked like. You might even figure out multiple possibilities, although you'd never know which one was real.

But then, what if they were all real?

What if, instead of a multiverse with diverging branches, there was a multiverse with converging branches, where, as the details of past events are lost to entropy, universes that started out being distinct from one another eventually merged once they became identical? If the only thing that makes the past "real" is consequences, then it might be that multiple potential pasts exist, each one no more real than the next. Assuming all universes have the same total amount of energy, this would mean that no matter what happens now, no matter what decisions any humans make, there is no changing the fate of the multiverse.

(All that being said, I don't actually think there is a multiverse, but as a worldbuilder I love imagining what kinds of things could potentially exist. So I'm not taking myself too seriously here, and I'm not really expecting anyone else to. This was just a fun thought experiment.)

[jude-thedude98]

To My Future Husbands:

I am broken

I am brokenhearted

I am beaten

I have trust issues

I've been abandoned

I'm crying right now

I have crying spells

I empathize for the world

I have a big heart

I've been used

I've been taken advantage of

I've been mentally abused

I've been emotionally abused

I've been physically abused

I've been raped

I've been molested

I've been shunned in church

I've been spiritually abused

I've been financially abused

I've been let down

I've been misused

I've been misunderstood

There are often times I think about death

I've been mistreated

I feel like the current people who I live with are just using me for money

I may be homeless with my dog soon

I physically disabled incapable of bending and straightening my arms

I have crippling anxiety

I suffer from severe depression

I am bipolar so I deal with mood swings and manic energy

I also have hypotension which I feel drives my depression and anemia

I have anemia so I deal with severe fatigue

I have severe fatigue

I have unfathomable and unexplainable tension and pain all throughout my body due to juvenile to rheumatoid to osteoarthritis

I believe I'm wcizophrenic

I also believe I have Adult ADHD

I have focusing problems

Severely

I listen to sad music

I listen to love mueic

I have a hard time getting over stuff that hurts me

Yesterday is a painful word and song (ask why)

I drown myself in work so I can forget about life

I'm a writer

I'm an author

I'm a poet

I fear fear itself

I fear I will lose everyone in life

Once again pointing to abandonment issues

I have a fear of being fit into a box

Claustrophobia maybe

I've recently grown a fear of flying on a plane or maybe

Flying and being in the window seat

I'm painfully annoying

I call a lot

I'm clingy

I'm needy

I love hard

Often times too hard

My cousin told me that my fatal flaw is caring too much

She I call my twin cousin because we were born exactly a month apart

I don't talk to my family

I talk to my dog

Her name is Cocoa

And yes

She's a sweet as Hot Cocoa

Or Hot Chocolate

Whatever you wanna call it

I am non confrontational

I want everybody to win

I've been broken by many guys and a girl

I've been going through an identity crisis lately

I'm gay

I want a polycule relationship with multiple twink guys (ask me about it)

I try not to forget peoples birthdays or important things in their life

I am legally blind

Yes

A disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa

I'm scared of my own vouce

I'm scared of my own power

I'm scared of my own pain

I'm scared of all my ailments

I'm scared that they will cripple me more than they have

My voice has been called annoying

I took that to heart

So I've been dealing with finding my voic3

I want to be the focal point in our polycule relationship

For all the above reasons

I am driven

I am goal oriented

I am a dreamer

I am a lover

I believe in a better world

The person who raped me I loved

I've given myself sexually to too many men who did not want my heart only a hole to use

I am peaceful

I am profound

I am strong

Mentally

Emptionally

I am loyal

I am faithful

I believe in love

I believe in you

I believe if you made it this far then

YOU ROCK!

I thank you for that!

I want to crawl into a shell and either

Die

Hide

Run away

Or

Disappear

Everyone who I've fallen in love with previously

It pains me to admit

But

I still love them

But I know that I deserve love

So if you are one of those people who may fit the

Masculine

Twink

Fair skinned

Loyal

Respectful

Cute beyond all reqson

Younger than 34

Sensual

Empathetic

Sympathetic

Goal driven

Career oriented

Dreamer

Lover

Romantic

Spontaneous

Stable

Gorgeous

Conversationalist

Not all about sex

Identity confident

Gay

Beautiful

Trustworthy

Family oriented

Wants a family

Animal oriented

Wants animals

Silly

Humorous

Serious at the right times

Able to distract me positively

Positive

It'd be great if one of the seven of us has a car lol

It'd also be great if we can live together haha lol

No but for real

No debt

Smart

Intelligent (doesn't necessarily mean know big words and be book smart)

NO KNOW IT ALLS

No argumentatives

Tall

Preferably black, blonde, or brown hair

Preferably straight, wavy, or curly

Again wants kids

Slim to thin

Thin to fit

Fit to athletic

Athletic to toned

No body builders

No old heads

No young'ns

18 to 33 ONLY

Six fair skinned twinks

UK

USA

Canada

Latino

Wants an interracial family

Doesn't mind sharing

Someone who is caring

Genuine

Unconditional love

Not going to throw anything back in mine or any of our spouses faces

Doesn't look at me or us as an inconvenience

Believes me

Believes in me

Believes in yourself

Believes in us as a whole

Spiritual not religious

BIG DIFFERENCE

Nonpolitcal

Forgiving

Says I apologize

Instead of I'm sorry

Sends little love notes or texts or calls to remind each other of our unapologetic love

Athlete

Baseball player

Basketball player

Skateboarder

Swimmer

Diver

Gardener

Country boys

City boys

Self confident

Self loving

Loving

Self caring

Hygienic

Clean

Keeps a clean houee

Keeps a clean body

Shaven

Not too tall

Cut off at about 6'3"

MUST BE SLIM

Healthy eater

Not asking for all salad eaters

But

High blood pressure is in my family

Grandpa had a heart attack

No smokers

Social drinkers

No getting shit faced

I do like to have a good time

But

There's a big difference

Yet again

No recreational drugs

Believes in theirs, mine, our spouses, our kids, and others dreams

Doesn't talk shit about people

Wants to heal the world

If you made it to the end

And you fit the description of guy I am looking for

And you have read

And

Are acceptant NOT TOLERANT

Of my Rap Sheet

Then message me

Must be committed as well

Acceptant

Not tolerant

I cannot express loving and trustworthy enough

I want a polycule relationship

If you don't know what that is

Look it up

And then

Get back to me

Basically

I want multiple people in one and as one relationship

Where we share each other's love

Respect

Goals

Dreams

Aspirations

Oh! Must be motivational and inspirational

Also shares a house

Sex is with any partner of the entire family that you so choose

It could be one

None

Two

All

Whatever variation that you want

But

Sex IS NOT and WILL NOT BE the frontrunner of our spousal relationship

Sex is great

So is conversation

So is sharing stories

Sharing experiences

And making memories

New memories

Positive times and vibes

ONLY!

If you are a shark trying to take advantage of me or anybody else then

KEEP SCROLLING PADT MY NAME & THIS BLOG!

We ARE NOT FOR YOU!

Wanna know more yet?

Well, go ahead and message me if you fit the bill

And remember I said I have trust issues so it's gonna take a lot before we can meet or especially have sex

There is no rush if I am one of the ones for you then you can wait just like I have and can for you

Trust builds over time

Not in a night

I don't care if you cuss

Just no cussing at any one of your spouses

Me

Them

Or the kids

Or the pet kids

I don't do that honey

Please God please

Know how to cook

That helps too

Cause we do have to eat

And eating out is great

But so is a home-cooked meal

I will have a home Healthcare aid to take care of me until we either

Get you to become an RN,, CNA, or i believe it's called a PCS

Someone who is qualified in taking care of me

And no I just don't want you to take care of me in one way

Not just for business purposes

But take care of me in personal purposes too

If you are a nurse

Then

You're already ahead of the game

Please have a job

And or a career

Dreams and aspirations of your own

Goal oriented I cannot stretch enough

Peaceful

Profound

Non argumentative

Supportive in all ways

Not looking for a sugar daddy

I don't need your money

I want a life in and of love.

[brassandblue]

'VERSES LIST!

For my sanity.

OLD GODS OF APPALACHIA: THESE OLD HILLS CALL

AU PAGE / TAG

An Alternate Appalachia where the Green encircles us, where Those Who Sleep Beneath rest in the layers of the dark earth below, where witches, haints, ghosts, and unfathomable things are as common as cornbread.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Body horror, death, mental illness, hauntings, blood, cannibalism, violence, murder, gore, injury, capitalism, poverty, sickness, dismemberment, bodily decay, racism, coal and rail barons.

NIGHT AT THE (MARITIME) MUSEUM

AU PAGE / TAG

A (fictionalized) national maritime museum in England has an artifact that has the interior exhibits come to life every night. Shenanigans ensue.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Discussion of some historical topics but not many warnings! Will add later if there become any.

FALLEN BRITAIN

AU PAGE / TAG

It is the 1940s. The United States remains staunchly neutral and Britain is overrun by German forces. 

STATUS: OPEN-ISH! / ONLY ACCEPTING PLOTTED THREADS!

WARNINGS: Death, gore, injury, and basically any warning that goes with RP based during WW2.

CLOCKWORK SOLDIERS

AU PAGE / TAG

A strange source of new element was discovered by the British in the mid 1800s causing a resurgence in military might over the following decades thanks to exponential leaps in technology. Present day, several generations of genetically engineered soldiers have grown into adulthood. A ‘defective’ one is determined to break free and escape the life of a government-crafted weapon of war.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Identity crises, child soldiers, violence, gore, death, colonialism, imperialism, nationalism.

CLOCKWORK SOLDIERS (VARIANTS)

AU PAGE / TAG 

Any iteration of Arthur from the above that deviates from the setting. Tailored for crossovers and different settings/scenarios.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Identity crises, child soldiers, violence, gore, death, colonialism, imperialism, nationalism.

THE LONG WINTER

AU PAGE / TAG

A Victorian-era Ice Age plunges much of the world into a climate crisis.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Death, desolation, current and post-apocalyptic, political/socio-economic discourse, starvation, illness, cannibalism, imperialism, colonialism.

AMREV: THINE EYE IMPOSED ON ME

AU PAGE / TAG

AU where Arthur is a (relatively) young Lieutenant Colonel in his 30s in the King’s Royal Army as a Quartermaster. Set in the American colonies before and during the American War of Independence. Open to all fandoms.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, blood, injury (gunshot, sword, cannonfire), death, illness, colonialism, imperialism.

AMREV: DISTANT STRAINS OF TRIUMPH

AU PAGE / TAG

AU for adding my personifications into crossovers with American Revolution-based fandoms.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, blood, injury, death, illness, colonialism, imperialism, slavery.

AMREV: LIFT HIGH MY NARROW HANDS

AU PAGE / TAG

Harry Goodsir as a regimental surgeon in His Majesty’s Royal Army--OR in His Majesty’s Royal Navy, during the American War of Independence. Open to all fandoms.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, blood, injury, death, illness, primitive surgery, battlefield surgery, battlefield medical gore, colonialism, imperialism, slavery.

THE TERROR: ON TO HELHEIM

AU PAGE / TAG

AMC Terror (S1) but with crossovers. Contains various characters of mine & others. Basically anything that’s non-canon to the Terror but that does not deviate too much to create an entirely new premise.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, injury, homophobia, racism, colonialism, imperialism, cannibalism, dismemberment, death, murder, self-harm, suicide, illness, bodily decay, various mental illnesses.

THE LITTLE KING

AU PAGE / TAG

George VI becomes king at a very early age.

STATUS: PRIVATE!!

THE TERROR: FRANKLIN’S (OTHER) FOLLY

AU PAGE / TAG

AMC Terror (S1) with Arthur, but he’s human and actually (unbeknownst to Sir John) the Commander’s illegitimate son. It’s probably for the best that Sir John never finds out, because it is the Victorian era, and yikes.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, injury, homophobia, racism, colonialism, imperialism, cannibalism, dismemberment, death, murder, self-harm, suicide, illness, bodily decay, various mental illnesses.

THE TERROR: THAW & HOMEWARD

AU PAGE / TAG

AMC Terror (S1) except they survive and get to go home. It is a catch-all for variants of Terror AU that include other characters of mine and different rpers.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, injury, homophobia, racism, colonialism, imperialism, cannibalism, dismemberment, death, murder, self-harm, suicide, illness, bodily decay, various mental illnesses.

THE TERROR: AN ETERNAL MARCH

AU PAGE / TAG

AMC Terror (S1) but somehow some of them are cursed to wander the earth like fixed points in time, immortal men left to linger on.

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, injury, homophobia, racism, colonialism, imperialism, cannibalism, dismemberment, death, murder, self-harm, suicide, illness, bodily decay, various mental illnesses.

TERROR/BLOODBORNE: NEW BLOOD

AU PAGE / TAG

A certain doctor travels from Britain to the city of Yharnam on a great island off the coast of western Europe to help aid in the treatment against a plague of beasts.

STATUS: CLOSED

THE TERROR: DAYBREAKS LOST

AU PAGE / TAG

Goodsir ends up as a vampire. The how isn’t important. (Unless it is.)

STATUS: OPEN, ACCEPTING THREADS

WARNINGS: Violence, gore, injury, homophobia, racism, colonialism, imperialism, cannibalism, dismemberment, death, murder, self-harm, suicide, illness, bodily decay, various mental illnesses, drinking of blood.

THE ROYAL PHYSICIAN

AU PAGE / TAG

Goodsir is a new physician to King George VI and has his work cut out for him. But at least he has a new friend!

STATUS: PRIVATE

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[gallusrostromegalus]

OP PLEASE EXPLAIN MOKUBA HAVING A GUN

Okay, so- YGO was my first fandom way back in... Middle school? and we could get into the psychology of traumatized baby me and the tropes of the series and the narrative anomalies of a fairly dark manga/anime getting the 4KIDS! treatment but:

Mokuba should have had a Gun.

Kid gets Kidnapped A LOT and until very recently, he and his brother were violent sociopaths and I feel like maaaaaaaaaaaybe Mokuba should have kept a bit of that. Not a Lot. He's doing much better now, but shit keeps happening to him and a touch of the night comes in real handy now and then, especially when your brother is comprised of equal parts hubris, hyperfixation and (repressed) homosexuality and *somebody* has to deal with this nonsense.

So I think Mokuba should have had a gun. Or Tire Iron Or Distressingly Large Knife. Something.

It wouldn't alter the plot much- in Deulist kingdom he's still like what, 11? and he doesn't know how to use that shit but I feel like he should have been allowed to go down fighting. By the time Battle City rolls around, he's had some more practice and someone beat it into him that "talk softly and carry a big stick" also means "Don't let your beloved but extremely neurotic brother know about The Gun". So it's just. There. For Emergencies.

Granted, the kid who's been to basically hell probably has a warped ideaof what qualifies as an "emergency" but hey. It adds something to his character, like coffee in chocolate cake or bolognese.

Here, have an Excerpt from the fic I started writing at 3 AM. The context is that they're at the island in Battle City part 2, and Prior to this, Mokuba had sucessfully downloaded Noah into a PS3, that he's currently carrying around like a Purse Chihuahua while he watches Destiny Happen or Whatever:

---

"Mokuba." Said Noah. It was technically a question but their father had always viewed Interrogative Intonation as Weakness.

"Yeah?" Mokuba replied, a native speaker of Abused Bastardeese.

"Is the clock on this device correct? It says it's 12:45 in the afternoon."

"Sure is."

There was a pause as there was some more dramatic monologing about the unfathomable power of the cards on the dueling platform.

"It is. Remarkably dark out for Luncheon." Noah tried.

"Oh! Yeah, while you were compling we all got moved into Hell." Mokuba nodded.

There was another pause as the first speech was rejoined by a second about the Power of Friendship.

"...Hell, you say?" Noah asked, feeling himself go a bit peaky about the exhaust fans.

"Yeah, Don't worry about it. Either this dingus-" he pointed to the more offensive hairstyle. "-will lose the game and physics will go back to normal, or I'll beat him with that piece of concrete and rebar and Physics will go back to normal. It's really just stage dressing."

Some of the Holographic effects were very loud, causing another pause in the conversation.

"Does this happen... often?" Noah tried, beginning to wonder if he'd made the right choice in leaving his digital hell.

"Not usually until the finals of a tournament but sometimes in the pregame. I got stuck here for a whole weekend once." Said Mokuba with the casual informative air of an old man speculating on whether this year's fishing was going to be any good.

"Your remarkable state of calm during the Digital Debacle earlier is beginning to make a lot more sense." Noah muttered, indicator light blinking sheepishly.

"Yeah, Like, finding out you existed and had been trapped in a videogame was probably the worst emotional gutpunch of the weekend, but that was maybe the fourth or fifth weirdest thing to happen today."

"Are we including everyone's hair in that tally?"

"Oh yeah, natch." Nodded Mokuba, shifting his weight and looking around for somewhere safe to set Noah down. "Sometimes I wish Seto would go back to his old Lime Green hair so he'd fit in with his peers more. Pull up some concrete." he set Noah down on a flat bit next to a pair of chunks that made a remarkably good child-size recliner.

"What, he took over my corporate empire AND stole my hair color?" Noah asked, trying to sound mock-offended but his real offense crept through.

"When I say Seto had an Identity Crisis I mean he had a fucking Crisis." Mokuba nodded. They watched another dazzling display of special effects. "I should have brought some snacks."

[servicetopkaradanvers]

i have a question, why do you not want lena to be a witch? just curious, thank you

disclaimer: I know that critical media analysis actually has no right to go anywhere near this hell show, so of course take this with a heaping tablespoon of salt, but

when creating a universe with any element of fantasy, it's important to keep tabs on how much disbelief that you are forcing your consumers to suspend. how many fake power systems can you cook up before a viewer checks out because they just don't believe you anymore?

Generally, you can only get away with 1 or 2 deviations from the natural laws of the real world as we know it. Example: in Avatar: The Last Airbender, some people can conduct their chi external to their bodies to control (with specific, clear, physical limitations) the natural world around them. That's 1 magic system. Our entire narrative is built around this 1 fundamental change, which allows for a rich world to be built around it as the audience is guided throughout.

Superhero comics in general try to circumvent this by saying Well, we're pulling entities from all corners of multiple universes, so of COURSE there are a lot of different magic and fantasy systems at play! But every time you add a new way to break the rules, you stretch thinner and thinner an audience's willingness to latch onto this new reality. Kal plays by different rules than Diana plays by different rules than Bruce plays by different rules than Barry plays by different rules than- etc. I'm bored just thinking about it. It's why these stories constantly need to be rebooted, retconned, and rewritten. It's why shit like Crisis just absolutely blows ass, and why we still don't really know what Dreamer can do because they're obviously just making it up as they go. It's why the best Superman stories are the ones that just shut the fuck up about purple polka dot martians and piss kryptonite and whatever other dumb shit we come up with to focus on this one person and what his god-like abilities mean for him on a world that was never meant to be his own.

Can you mix and match previously established rules with new ones? Of course you can!! If you're a good writer!

The operative word here is good.

So no, I don't want our literal only main character left without supernatural abilities and a secret identity to become Bottom Morgana in Jeans. Even if not for everything stated above, Lena was the grounding agent to normal, basic, brunchy booby human life for both the show and for Kara. Taking that element away is unfathomably stupid, but I expect nothing less from sweet Quessica.

[tarysande]

S6 Thoughts: A Tale of Two Brothers

But wait! There’s more. Thoughts on the overall arc of the series, Heaven and Hell edition:

In S1, Lucifer is “vacationing” on Earth but doesn’t plan to return to Hell. Amenadiel spends that season trying so hard to force Lucifer back to Hell, where he “belongs,” that he himself Falls. We’ve got this role reversal of an angel doing evil things to return the devil (doing ... good things, like solving crimes) to Hell. It’s all very “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” 

In S2, Lucifer still has no plans to return permanently to Hell, but he’s willing to face it to save Chloe. Of course, this then leads to him experiencing his own forced hell-loop. Amenadiel is also conflicted. Though he’s changed enough that he no longer wants to force Lucifer back to Hell, he’s still uncertain where that leaves either of them. In fact, even when Lucifer pleads with Amenadiel to return him to Hell, Amenadiel refuses. However, when Mum plants the idea of returning to Heaven as a family, Amenadiel clings to that. He’s looking for a purpose. Lucifer, on the other hand, is still very much aboard the Heaven nope train. Here, we also get the foreshadowing of celestial war, and Lucifer’s rejection of Mum’s plan because “In war, there are always casualties.” He would rather sacrifice one--Mum, Uriel--for the many. But it hurts him. If he belongs anywhere, he thinks, it’s Earth ... but, ultimately, that’s shortsighted because we know he doesn’t actually want to be on an Earth that doesn’t have the people he’s coming to care about on it.

S3 is, as we all know, a bit of a mess. But, hey, it’s actually thematically appropriate! Lucifer’s having an identity crisis (wings) that just keeps giving (or taking), and even though subconsciously (we later realize) he gave himself the wings because he was, in fact, making progress reconciling his past and present, his conscious is backsliding like (pun not intended) hell. Much as he wants Earth to be home, he’s got these non-stop reminders of both Heaven and Hell. It makes complete narrative sense that this season reaches the point where he can no longer hide from himself--or from Chloe. 

In this season, we also see Amenadiel really start to settle into the idea of staying on Earth, of embracing humanity. He’s shedding the aloofness he once had. He’s learning (we later realize) how to be the kind of God who sheds mysterious ways in favor of boots on the ground. I mean, he doesn’t realize this. But Dad ... well, he has a Plan. Lucifer begins the season with sudden wings. Amenadiel ends it with his wings’ very deliberate return. 

In many ways, this season is about Hell on Earth and torture at the hands of an entity far more intentionally and deliberately evil than the actual devil. This is why the catalyst of Cain is so important. He is all the things Lucifer has been accused of being, only he embraces it in ways we’ve seen Lucifer reject and recoil from again and again. This season is torture (lol). It’s Hell. It’s every ugly thing lies beget. And much as we love Lucifer, we’re given an extreme close-up of how his omission of truth is very nearly as devastating as Cain’s outright lies. Of course, this nearly results in Chloe’s death (in more ways than one; you can’t tell me that godforsaken marriage wouldn’t have been like dying), and the devil’s vengeance results in the removal of Lucifer’s choice about the where and when to reveal his true nature to Chloe. 

Which brings us to S4, aka The Season of Angst. For Lucifer (and Chloe), anyway. Not so much for Amenadiel, who is set on the path of fatherhood, of responsibility, of partnership and not just commands he expects to be followed. In case we’ve forgotten how much Amenadiel has changed, Remiel “mini-Amen” shows up to remind us. In Linda’s “When angels fall, they also rise” of it, Amenadiel is rising again. He’s not the same as he was, no, but ... we didn’t like old Amenadiel very much, did we? Like Lucifer, Amenadiel is on a journey of learning who he is, the good and the ugly, so he can choose the parts he wants to keep with both eyes open. 

Of course, while Amenadiel is rising, Lucifer is falling. In having to deal with Chloe’s reaction to his devil face, Lucifer is put in the uncomfortable position of either growing enough to face his own darkness and self-loathing or retreating, very literally, into who he used to be because it’s comfortable and less frightening than the prospect of change and the unknown. Until it isn’t, right? The more he becomes the devil Eve remembers, the more uncomfortable he becomes. And the more frightening he becomes. Not to Chloe, as he fears, but to himself--though it takes a while to recognize it. If nothing else, we have to hand this to Lucifer’s subconscious: when it wants him to PAY ATTENTION DUMMY, it’s pretty good at getting its point across. If S3 was Hell on Earth starring Cain as the devil, S4 is Hell on Earth starring, well, the devil as the devil with bonus demons. It’s Lucifer’s earthbound iteration of a guilt-induced hell-loop. And at the tragic end, he chooses to return to the place he swore he’d never return, losing everything good in the process, but doing it for selfless reasons. So, that’s new. And it’s why there was still a sliver of hope even when things looked impossibly dark.

S5 begins with Lucifer in Hell--farther from the things he cares about than he has ever been, but also closer to his true calling. Not that he realizes it; this is Lucifer we’re talking about. So, of course it makes sense that as the season goes on, he’ll end up confused by suddenly having everything he always thought he wanted within his grasp. The Lucifer who led a rebellion against his father because he thought he could do better than God? Of course that part of him wants to be handed the job now. No--he wants to earn it. And while some of his reasons are not great, others are. His heartbreak about the injustice and unfairness of life, well ... who hasn’t felt that way? Who hasn’t wanted the power to unilaterally make things better? But that’s not how free will works. That’s not how choice works. While Lucifer wrestles with the necessity of becoming God, Amenadiel recoils from what his S1 self would have seen as his right and his calling. S1 Amenadiel would have made a terrifying and inflexible and absolute and judgmental God. Perhaps even a God closer to our imaginings of Evil than Good.

S6 is about how sometimes personal growth means we grow out of old dreams and acquire new ones. Sometimes, it’s about reimagining those old dreams, rebuilding them with new information. For Amenadiel, that means recognizing that the person he is now is the best man for the Big Job. It means recognizing that Heaven can be (a place) on Earth if he wants it to be. It means he sets aside the pride of “If God wants something done, he sends ME” in favor of delegation and accepting help--and in doing so, helping others (his siblings) discover their callings too. He learns to lead by example, tempered with love and humility.

In Paradise Lost, Milton’s Lucifer famously declares that it is better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven. But our Lucifer ... his calling isn’t ruling in Heaven. That’s the old dream of a person who no longer exists. Ironically, Lucifer’s calling is to serve in Hell. Not to serve a distant, ineffable, unfathomable being’s mysterious ways, mind you, but to tangibly serve the humans he has come to love, and who have taught him so much about himself. Who have taught him about love and sacrifice and light and darkness and second chances and hope and faith. When Lucifer chooses to return to Hell, he does so with his eyes open, just as Chloe returns to the LAPD with her eyes open. It’s a lesson that revisits the first episode of the season: Truth and wonder don’t have to be at odds. They can go hand in hand. The mysteries at the heart of pain and suffering and trauma--those are the ones Lucifer wants to solve. Because solving them isn’t about trusting to a higher power (aka the justice system, which is flawed) or designing the perfect torture. It’s about quite literally helping others set themselves free. Finding release. It’s about being a guide, not a judge. And it’s about fulfilling not the temporary desire that merely scratches the itch, but offering the tools necessary to help others determine--choose--their path to the desire they may not even realize is buried beneath the layers of scar tissue within them. And what could be more wonderous than that? Especially when you have a partner who makes you better at your calling, even as you make them better at theirs.

In the end, Heaven and Hell are what we make of them. One person’s Heaven is another person’s Hell. Love is what matters. In all its many, many forms.

[minamotosousuke]

A lot of people were disappointed by this statement?? He’s not on Hanako’s side though.

Kou’s goals for himself and Mitsuba are unfathomable by the Seven Mysteries, Exorcists, and especially Hanako in particular. Hanako can’t stand Mitsuba, has attempted to hurt Mitsuba, and views him as a threat.

I saw disappointment in the “change of reasoning” for fighting to save/protect Hanako from Chapter 10. That was 77 chapters ago and his reasoning now doesn’t conflict or contradict his reasoning then.

In Chapter 10 we saw the beginning of his identity crisis, and Kou didn’t want to exorcise Hanako solely on the basis of being a Supernatural. He decided that just because of his awful past, it did not mean that Hanako was bad now.

In 88, he’s not changed from that personal stance much. He recognizes that Hanako’s done some messed up things, and that now his actions are to help Nene more than Hanako.

Though in my opinion the most important point he’s trying to make is that he’s got different goals, different views, and that he knows he’s likely going to have to fight Hanako himself.

[atlantis-scribe]

AU-gust 2021 ( Day 12 )

Fairy Tale

(in which Rodney is a wizard's apprentice who has no great love for the royal family & John is an orphan with an identity crisis who may just be his ticket to a better life)

.

"You really think I'm the lost prince?"

Rodney almost drops the jar of unicorn blood in his surprise. After carefully tucking it back on the shelf — and subtly willing his heart to stop racing — he turns around to find John leaning by the doorway. "What?"

"The prince," John drawls, stepping farther inside the chambers until he’s seated on one of the stools Rodney saves for Balthazar. "Are you sure I'm him?"

It's well past midnight, and while Rodney is accustomed to keeping odd hours in order to finish whatever errand Janus believes must be carried out before the sun rises, they all have a long day ahead of them. A moping orphan who has more hair on his head than any chimera has in its entire body is the last thing Rodney needs.

But Rodney also knows what inability to sleep looks like, and the dark shadows weighing John's eyes down is awfully familiar.

Reluctantly, Rodney makes his way to the table and sits across from John. "We wouldn't be doing the memory spell at all if we're sure. We can just knock on the castle doors and drop you first thing in the morning." He lifts a finger before John can open his mouth. "But! Janus thinks you are him, and you heard what that old fool said, right? He used to be part of the royal court, before all this lunacy and fear of magic business. He was even good friends with the late queen, so I'm sure he knows what he's doing."

John sniffs, not entirely mollified. "If you say so."

"I do say so. Besides, Balthazar likes you, and he used to live in the palace, too."

"Balthazar is a cat, Rodney."

There is no good response to that, so Rodney keeps his lips sealed and spends a moment to just look at John.

When John had crashed into the temple that dreadful evening, when Rodney and Janus were so sure that the royal guards had finally found them, Rodney took one look at the green-eyed stranger and somehow knew that he would be changing their lives forever. It didn't matter that Janus had gotten it in his head that John, an orphan who has nothing to his name and nowhere to call home, is Lantea's long-lost heir. Rodney, for some unfathomable reason, recognized in John the hope he’d once lost for a future where he will no longer be hunted simply because of the power that runs through his veins.

Not that he’s ever going to say that out loud.

"I met him once, you know."

John, who was already on his way to closing his eyes and sleeping right there on the table, jerks and looks up. "Hmm?"

"The prince," Rodney repeats, and John scowls at his mocking tone. "I met him. When I was ten."

Rodney's own eyes flutter as he teases at the edges of that precious memory with his mind's eye. He's thankful that John doesn't speak, because Rodney is sure any other sound might've broken this particular spell.

"There were still dragons. It was before The Great Purge, right? The royal family still kept dragons, and the prince loved riding the blue-scaled one, the last of its kind, especially during parades."

There'd been so many people, probably thousands, out in the streets that day. Even then, Rodney cared little for the royals, but for some strange cause, he was drawn to the young, crowned boy with the flying beast. So Rodney sought out the highest perch he could find amongst the endless throng of adoring fanatics and made himself watch.

"He sat atop his dragon and waved at the people. He had dark hair. Like yours, I suppose. And when the parade passed by the carriage I was on, our eyes met."

Distantly, Rodney can hear John making a soft sound, maybe a hum, but lost as he is to the memory, Rodney doesn't acknowledge it.

"He smiled when he looked at me. Like he knew who I was, which is stupid, I can see that now. But it really seemed like he did then, and I— I think I smiled, too."

"Rodney. . ."

"The parade was still moving along, and while his dragon kept pace with it, my carriage was not. It was just there, parked by whatever merchant stopped to gawk at the nobles. I knew I would lose sight of him eventually, so I did the strangest thing. I—”

"You bowed."

Wrenched from the dream, Rodney blinks only to find John's soft smile, strange yet familiar, waiting for him.

"You bowed," he repeats to Rodney. "And the prince bowed back."

Rodney hears his own breath hitch. "I never told you that before."

"You didn't have to," John says, his voice a gentle whisper. "I remember."

[hauntedfurydreamer]

My 5 must-read books:

1: A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess

From the moment we meet Alex and his three droogs in the Korova milk bar, drinking moloko with vellocet or synthemesc and wondering whether to chat up the devotchkas at the counter or tolchock some old veck in an alley, it’s clear that normal novelistic conventions do not apply. Anthony Burgess’s slim volume about a violent near-future where aversion therapy is used on feral youth who speak Nadsat and commit rape and murder, is a dystopian masterpiece.

---

2: Dracula, Bram Stoker

Whatever passed between Irish theatre manager Bram Stoker and the Hungarian traveller and writer Ármin Vámbéry when they met in London and talked of the Carpathian Mountains, it incubated in the Gothic imagination of Stoker into a work that has had an incalculable influence on Western culture. It’s not hard to read the Count as a shadowy sexual figure surprising straitlaced Victorian England in their beds, but in Stoker’s hands he’s also bloody creepy.

---

3. The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

n the post-Napoleonic era, Edmond Dantès, a young sailor from Marseilles, is poised to become captain of his own ship and to marry his beloved. But spiteful enemies provoke his arrest, condemning him to lifelong imprisonment. Then Edmond’s sole companion in prison reveals his secret plan of escape and a letter with directions to hidden riches on the island of Monte Cristo—a treasure trove that will eventually fund Edmund’s dream of creating a new identity for himself: the mysterious and powerful Count of Monte Cristo.

In The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas employed all the elements of compelling drama—suspense, intrigue, love, vengeance, rousing adventure, and the triumph of good over evil—that contribute to this classic story’s irresistible and timeless appeal.

---

4: The Trial, Franz Kafka

“Someone must have been telling lies about Josef K…” So begins Kafka’s nightmarish tale of a man trapped in an unfathomable bureaucratic process after being arrested by two agents from an unidentified office for a crime they’re not allowed to tell him about. Foreshadowing the antisemitism of Nazi-occupied Europe, as well as the methods of the Stasi, KGB, and StB, it’s an unsettling, at times bewildering, tale with chilling resonance.

---

5: War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy

At its core War and Peace is a book about people trying to find their footing in a world being turned upside down by war, social and political change, and spiritual confusion. The existential angst of Tolstoy and his characters is entirely familiar to those of us living at the beginning of the twenty-first century, and his novel has important things to say to us in this moment. Over and over again the book shows how moments of crisis can either shut us down or open us up, helping us to tap into our deepest reservoirs of strength and creativity.

---

[dedicatedfollower467]

so regarding my last reblog re: ADHD diagnosis...

i really think i probably should get one because literally ALL of those bullet points applied to me except the one about substance abuse? and i think the only reason the substance abuse one doesn’t apply is because i am very aware of alcoholism and caffeine addiction in members of my family, so i’ve been really careful trying not to fall into that, e.g. i never drink alone and never drink when i feel sad or lonely, i try to make sure there are at least two days a week when i don’t have any caffeine at all and try to limit my caffeine intake to a single drink in the mornings usually.

but like? intense reaction to rejection? check. trouble meeting deadlines? check. achievable dreams you can’t get started on? check. procrastination? triple check. like videogames, like, a lot (and seem to be really good at them according to some people?) check. switch randomly between bingeing and being unable to focus at all? triple check. can’t keep your living area clean and organized? quadruple check. difficulty texting/calling back? check.

and yet... whenever i try to bring it up with medical/mental health professionals... i feel like they think i’m crazy.

i say to my doctor “i think i might have adhd” and she says, “okay so with those unpleasant tasks you have trouble starting, like the dishes, can you actually complete them? or do you get distracted halfway through?”

and i’m like “no, once i get started i can usually finish, it’s the getting started that’s the hard part.”

and she just looks at me and sort of hums and i can’t help but interpret that look as “i think you’re blowing things way out of proportion, everyone has difficulty with doing unpleasant tasks, that’s not special to you.”

and i want to say, “it’s not just unpleasant tasks, i procrastinate on reading certain fanfics for god’s sake, i procrastinate on watching tv shows i like i started yuri on ice four years ago and i loved it to pieces and i still haven’t watched the last two episodes for some unfathomable reason!”

i say to my counselor “i think i might have rejection-sensitive dysphoria” and she says “well, you do attach a lot of emotional weight to what other people say, don’t you?”

and i hear “you’re assigning hidden meanings to things people say, this is a form of magical thinking, and it’s got nothing to do with ADHD at all, it’s 100% a learned response and also you’re blowing things out of proportion.”

and i want to say, “two days ago i shut down with guilt for six hours because somebody shouted at me on the internet. i still can’t think about the woman who told me ‘oh, you’re a great writer, have you considered working with an artist?’ three years ago without waves of anger and pain. i had to stop writing my webcomic for over a year because my thesis committee told me the art wasn’t as fluid and dynamic as my other work, and it gave me a minor crisis of identity that literally didn’t improve until i started taking antidepressants.”

but in the moment i can never think of those things. i can never say “i was three months behind my deadline on completing my required internship to earn my master’s degree, and i’m just lucky the school administrator knew the situation and knew why i couldn’t get it done earlier. i’ve never lived in a clean personal space, but not having a clean space drives me nuts, but i can’t ever seem to keep it clean and organized. i have an incredible memory for trivia, but i never seem to remember that i was going to call someone back or run a particular errand today. i’m not distractible in the traditional sense, and in fact, i have sat down to draw something and not stood up for six hours, instead. I frequently feel a restless longing to do something but none of the “somethings” i come up with feel right to me.”

like, do i have attention-deficit-oh-look-a-butterfly? no, obvs, but that’s not the only way adhd manifests.

(oh, and hey, interpreting the silence or neutral reactions of health providers as “you’re completely crazy and have no idea what you’re talking about?” that’s a symptom of rejection sensitive dysphoria, baby!)

...sigh.