Season 2 of Fallout should have a scene where Cooper and Lucy are travelling through the ruins one evening and Lucy comes across a store window promoting the last movie he was in before the bombs dropped. There's this life-sized cut out standee of pre-ghoul Cooper in the window smiling back at him, and his ghoulish reflection lines up perfectly with the face on the other side of the window as he stares at it depressed and deep in thought.
Lucy starts gushing about how she use to watch Cooper Howard films with her dad all the time growing up and how she wanted to be just like him.
Cooper eventually decides to open up about it, but she doesn't believe him and thinks he's just trying to tease her, even more so when he starts throwing some of his most iconic lines around. In her mind, she's thinks the Ghoul is just some cowboy/Cooper Howard enthusiast like her dad. It's not until he does some signature fighting move™ during battle that she realizes it actually IS him.
(A major plot point in the episode would be Lucy trying to get the Ghoul to be open and honest about who he is and his past so they can develop a better sense of mutual trust, since she's been completely open with him thus far. Also to find more out about why he holds such a personal grudge against Vault-Tec)
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Vegas isn’t used to what soft touches feel like. Giving them is one thing. But receiving them is a different matter entirely.
Or Vegas deals with the affliction of affection.
(or, Vegas deals with being in love and everything that comes with it.)
Not all hands seek to destroy everything that they touch. Or at least that’s what some of the bullshit psychology/self-help books Vegas had taken to reading said. He hated every word, but he continued to read them anyway.
For the entirety of his life, Vegas has been surrounded by people who sought to destroy what they touched. They sought to hurt, maim, and possess what they were owed. Pa had taught him very early on that if he got hit, it was because he deserved it. The consequence of his failure was always pain.
Ninety-eight per cent of his life was spent feeling hurt, misery, adrenaline, power and exhaustion (in that order). Over and over and over and over–
The other two per cent was a tiny spark of warmth in the coldness surrounding him. A feeling of tenderness and touches that did not hurt. It was for Macau. Because he was the only person in his life that did not hurt him. The only one that he would die to protect.
Until Pa died. Until he was suddenly left with nothing and no one to break his nose every time he failed.
Until Pete.
He wanted to hurt Pete as much as he wanted to hold him. And that was an extremely foreign feeling for Vegas. His past lovers were nothing. Hurting them was easy, and touching them softly was an ulterior motive for something else. He never cared about them. Some of them he never even wanted in the first place.
But Pete, Pete was different.
Pete was a deity he never thought he’d be blessed with. He was the rope Vegas clung to when he fell over the edge. He was the most important person in Vegas’s life. And in all his lives thereafter.
Loving Pete, and touching him with gentleness, with reverence was something that did not come easy. Vegas couldn’t differentiate between the hands he wrapped around Pete’s neck, bruising and vicious, with the hands that ran down lightly down his spine, causing goosebumps along Pete’s skin. Both acts were intertwined with the same deep emotions of love. And it wasn’t like he’d grown up with any good points of reference. Although having Macau meant he was at least attuned to comfort, to soothing someone when they were upset.
It was a constant learning curve. (He was dealing with it.)
What he found he couldn’t deal with, however, was when the gentle touches were instead turned on him. Vegas had never lived in a world where doing something wrong hadn’t ended in a cracked rib or a slap to the face. Where malicious words weren’t hurled at him for just existing. No one, Macau excluded, had ever offered him tenderness just because they wanted to.
Until Pete.
There were days that he could barely make it out of bed after being shot. His mind was a dark and never-ending pit of his father’s voice. And some days were louder than others.
Dealing with the cesspit that was his mind made it all the more easier when he had something physical to focus on, like shattering everything in his sight. Like breaking every morsel he could get his hands on so the voice would just quiet for a few moments. So he could get some peace.
And when he was done, the room a wreck, his hands bloody and raw, he never felt better. With the sweat pooling in the uncomfortable crevices of his skin and his breathing harsh, he would close his eyes and wait for what he deserved. Wait for Pete to find him, see what a vile monster he was, what a failure he was, and realise he could do so much better. And when the door would creak open, and Pete’s footsteps would approach, hesitant but steady, he would wait for the hit.
But it would never come. Even when he hoped it would.
Instead, careful hands would cup his face, and he would see the look of concern on Pete’s face. It was devastating. Not only because Vegas didn’t deserve it but because he was the cause.
Pete would quietly observe his injuries and remove him from the wreckage he’d caused. He would tweeze the glass from his hands and bandage his cuts whilst Vegas would sit there sniffling miserably like a toddler who didn’t know how to regulate his emotions. And after he was done, he wouldn’t yell or tell Vegas he was a failure; sometimes, he wouldn’t say anything at all. Instead of words, he would rub his shoulder, hold his hand, or hug him. And it would frustrate Vegas to no end because it didn’t make sense.
Why did he deserve to be embraced after destroying all the plates in the kitchen cupboard? The worst Pete would ever do was make him clean it up, which he would have done anyway (because he weirdly enjoyed cleaning).
(And Pete never stacked things the way he liked.)
Vegas asked him once if he would ever punch him again like he did in the main family parking garage. And his answer was surprisingly unsurprising.
He said No, Vegas. You’d have to break my heart for me to hurt you like that again. And I know you won’t.
And that, well. Pete held his bare, beating heart every moment they were together. And Vegas liked to think he held Petes too, hot and heavy in the cradle of his hands. But there wasn’t a moment that went by where he didn’t worry he would damage it. Worry that he would break it beyond repair.
He would try to placate his worries by proving to himself that he could love Pete properly. Vegas could love him and treat him the way he deserved. Vegas would worship the ground that Pete would walk on, and his heart would be safe, still beating and bloody in the palm of his hand.
But what stopped him in his tracks, what he honestly couldn’t deal with, was when Pete would love him the same way.
When Pete would offer him tenderness, or affection out of the blue, Vegas did not understand. And it wasn’t just the act itself; it was the fact that there was no reason for it. Pete just wanted to.
And thus, the affliction of affection sent him spiralling into frightening oblivion.
Pete had been confused when he asked why he was hugging him or kissing him or doing anything when Vegas didn’t see a reason for it. A voice was screaming in his head that he didn’t deserve it. That he had inflicted pain on Pete that was edging the line of being unforgivable.
And what made it worse was that he liked it. He liked it when Pete lightly scratched his scalp as he ran his hand through his hair. He liked it when he would wake up to Pete pressed against his back, his body curving around Vegas’s like he was trying to protect him from harm.
His mind was at war, constantly battling with itself. There was no reprieve until (ironically) Pete would hold him in his arms in a way that Vegas had never been held before. Like he was something precious. And day after day, he would ask himself how he would be reduced to this. He had grown up in the mafia, committed violent, repulsive acts in the name of fun, and this was what played on his mind? Being in love?
And as he spiralled, a daily activity at this point, Pete would smile that knowing smile. Like he knew what was going through Vegas’s head. But the joke was on him because Vegas knew he did the same. Pete had his own tornado causing disaster through his mind. And, though sick and twisted it may be, it made him feel better that he wasn’t alone. They would suffer through the mortifying ordeal of falling in love together.
Through every lifetime.
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