#wait i'm valid in my identity no matter how i look? always have been :^)

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

never felt so good being a mini man. being a fun size guy. representation matters and fob is giving me that 😊

[myaoiboy]

Can you try explain what you mean about Ocelot looking like a drag king in mgsv? I feel like your boyfriend in that I just. Don't see it? I'm trying to understand why Ocelot would even have that applied when he's always been just A Guy™

Okay so I'm going to try to do this without getting into Grad-Level 5D Queer Theory Media Criticism, but I also fully realize that in doing that, a lot of this is going to sound very much like I'm saying "Source: Just Trust Me Bro".

(anon i am SO sorry that you happen to be the first person to directly adress me about gender in MGS)

I also wanna be straight up front here and say that I'm not trying to imply that Ocelot is anything other than a guy, he's just also a guy who's playing a million roles (this is important) and lying to damn near everyone, including himself. He has some of the worst identity issues I've ever seen in a character, and that comes to a head in 4 where he literally isn't even *Ocelot* until the final moments of his life. So yes, for the sake of not writing War and Peace, I'm going to assume Ocelot is "just a guy" and come at this from a pure queer theory/media analysis standpoint, not a headcanon one.

So first it's really important to point out the order in which we see Ocelot through the series. In the timeline, the last time we see Ocelot before V is 3 (or PO which I haven't played due to its placement in canon-limbo, but Ocelot looks basically the same). So we see him go from A to B here.

I am going to say something potentially controversial: even before saw V ocelot, I thought 3 Ocelot looked like he was wearing drag *queen* makeup. I don't know whether it's intentional, or an attempt to circumvent the lower poly models and lower definition textures of the PS2, but the first image looks like someone who is going for a highly exaggerated, feminine cheek contour. Here's a few drag queens who, imo, do a very similar contour look:

Whether the color filter or the texturing of the PS2 or something else, the MGS3 version of Ocelot also has a look of mascara and frosted lipgloss (frosted lips being much more popular at the time of MGS3's original release than today, but alas).

So from that I was already very much primed to look for femininity in Ocelot's whole vibe. It was actually kind of jarring how much more rugged he is in V than in any of the previous games, to the extent that it sent up alarm bells in my head that something was going on.

I don't remember the moment that I went "hey, wait a minute," but it was certainly pretty early on. As someone who's been on tumblr a hella long time and remembers when we used to swap passing tips, the specific combination of facial features remind me of a very specific genre of "ftm makeup tutorials" that were also pretty contemporarily popular on tumblr. A very quick summary being mascara on the eyelashes and specific peach fuzz to give the impression of a squarer jaw and having more facial hair, as well as specific contouring to give a "masculine cheekbone." Most of these tips basically came directly from drag king makeup.

Gonna include some drag kings as well, some things to notice include the tendency towards using stubble as contouring and vice versa, the shaping of cheek contouring, and the tendency to accentuate mustache and sideburns.

I'm pretty bad at wording descriptions of hair and makeup so you'll have to forgive me for not going ham on explaining the similarities bc now we actually get to the interesting part which is: so fucking what? If this is true, if you take my word for it, what does it say about the text? If I want to make this argument to someone else, what can I say that will convince them that, even if it's not *intentional,* it's a valid and meaningful view of his character?

Like, you can make a character based on anything you want, but why does it matter whether Ocelot is based on drag either direction?

Ocelot's "drag"iness is multipurpose. One: he's queer. Like, I grant that he never comes out and says "I love 'Big "Naked 'John' Snake" Boss'" but we get a hell of a lot more confirmation that he's gay than we get straight confirmation for a lot of presumed-straight characters. I feel comfortable saying he's canon queer.

Two: it's a visual metaphor for being a double/triple agent. While he's literally performing several roles (KGB/GRU/CIA, or MSF/Real BB/US, or US/Patriots/BB, or anything in between), he's also visually playing two (or more) gender roles, a feminine man, a mannish woman, something neither or in-between. The implication of drag specifically is pretending to be something that he isn't (which he literally always is, holy shit, again, does he even know who he realiy is?).

And before anyone says "Well, if it's so important to his character, why did they wait until 3 to start doing it?" They didn't!!

This is THE most classically masculine that Ocelot ever looks. But there's still precious polygons invested into giving him long hair and a flowing coat. Working with sprites and low-poly models means having to very carefully select traits that you want to display on your character, and Ocelot's go into making him a cringefail cowboy.

The fact that he's a cowboy in itself is also pretty important to the whole gender/sexuality situation. I mean, Brokeback Mountain might not have been out yet, but the male-to-female ratio in the west meant a lot of men cozied up together on the frontier. Hell, hankey code comes from cowboy culture, with men wearing certain colors to announce who would take the "man" or "woman" role while square dancing.

I could go a lot into gender and how it works on a social/societal level in general and why that matters, but OOPS I have been writing this for a WHILE.

I was actually going to go a lot more into queer theory and gender in MGS in general but ngl, I could write a whole doctoral thesis on gender and how different characters perform or subvert gender. Because holy shit when you start peeling back the very thin macho facade of Kojima's work to do a feminist reading of it, boy howdy do you get. A whole lot to talk about. (ask me about death stranding sometime i dare you)

Basically what I'm trying to get across is that Ocelot has a lot of roles that he's playing and NOT playing, and more than a few of those are gender roles, which is very much visually symbolic of his character.

I am so sorry anon I have been thinking about him nonstop for a full year </3 I hope at least the first part of this answered your question about what features I see that scream drag to me.

[ciaossu-imagines]

Hi

I'm new here but I've read almost all your mm prompts and head canons and i reallllly loved the way you described the characters. That's why i want to ask you a rather wierd question....

I was wondering how you imagine saeyoung's sex life...like what is sex to him? How important s it to him in a relationship? Will he be fine with an asexual partner?

Almost everyone that writes about him describe him as a person who has a lot of fun with sex but i think he as someone who worked in the dark side of the world for a long time might have seen and understood things that made him repulsive towards sex and the whole sex industry from porn to even nightclubs

I would love to know your opinion on this

Hello there, my lovely anon! I’m so glad you found my blog and thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I write 😊 That’s really sweet of you to say and makes me really happy. Now, I’m answering this less with actual headcanons but just kind of a blanket statement that I’ve made a couple of times and then I’ll share some of my views! I apologize in advance if this wasn’t exactly what you wanted though, and as a note, this definitely isn’t a weird question at all!!

So, plain out and out blanket statement that I will always hammer home – I might write Saeyoung one way. A lot of the writer’s might write him a certain way too, a lot more sexual than you see him being. But that doesn’t mean that you’re wrong in how you view him in any way or that we’re wrong in viewing him as we do. That’s the wonderful thing about the characters, that we can all see and write them however we want, unless the creators tell us specifically not too.

So, if you see Saeyoung as sex-repulsed, that’s a valid interpretation and you should feel free to continue thinking and writing that, even if others write otherwise!

Another blanket statement that I cannot make clear enough – If you are asexual and are wondering if your favourite character would like you and be okay with it, YES. YES, A MILLION YESES. Your favourite character is going to love you and want to be with you no matter what you look like, no matter your sexual orientation or lack thereof, your gender identity or lack thereof, no matter if you have mental health struggles, no matter what really. I will never, ever, EVER tell anyone their favourite character wouldn’t like them; the only time I ever take my personal headcanons about sexual orientations or how important sex or any other big issues regarding the characters is when I  do matchups, when it’s part of my job to do so, so to speak.

So yeah, Saeyoung will be okay with an asexual partner because my writing is meant to make people feel happy, not to make them feel excluded or like their favourite character wouldn’t be cool with who they are.

Also going along with that, I do think asexuality or being sex repulsed is not necessarily caused by trauma, in the majority of cases actually. And just as a reminder, from someone who hasn’t been a virgin since I was seven, trauma related to sex can actually lead to just the opposite, hyper-sexuality where a person starts to heavily tie their self-worth into sex.

Now, we’ll get into my opinion around Saeyoung and his views on sex. I don’t actually think he has a lot of trauma tied around sex itself, but I do think his religious views really do impact his views on sex. I think that he does believe in waiting for marriage to have sex, whenever at all possible, or at least a firm commitment towards marriage, so he does have some surprisingly traditional views on sex.

To him, in my opinion, sex is a way to not only connect with his lover and feel closer to them, but he gets a lot of his physical affection through sex, and it helps how touch-starved and affection-starved he really is as a person. It’s not quite healthy, I’m not going to lie, but I do think that he does rely on sex for just that feeling of connection and love from someone else in a physical sense.

On top of that, in bonus stories from the same, we do see Saeyoung get very flirty, touchy, and seductive in a very playful way, which really is where a lot of the fandom, including me, does get the impression that sexually speaking, once his sex life with his partner does begin, he is someone who brings a lot of fun to sex, who isn’t afraid to instigate, and who does find the fun in the experience.

That being said, I do want to point out that I actually heavily agree with you in that Saeyoung has a pretty low view of nightclubs, they’re not something he would enjoy in any sort of way, but I think that’s less to do with anything sexual. I do think his mother was a drunk, that Saeyoung has very poor attitudes towards alcohol. The pure amount of people getting absolutely piss-ass drunk at a nightclub? It’s not going to be something he can deal with, and the situation would make him exceptionally anxious and unable to deal well.

[bi-sapphics]

I just wanna say thank you so much for openly talking about bisexual history with the terms butch and femme. I’ve been struggling for a while about using the term butch for myself and even if I’m not in a place right now where I feel safe or valid enough to use it, seeing other bisexual butches wearing the label proudly makes my heart warm. Your work on here is very appreciated and you are an wonderful person <3

As a question, how did you grow comfortable with calling yourself butch in the face of erasure and biphobia?

thank you for the kind ask and you're welcome!! i feel like it's my duty as a butch to protect and serve my community as best as i possibly can ─ after all, what's the point of participating in the culture if you won't play your designated part (regarding sapphic roles & relationships at least, since there are other options/reasons for identifying)?? leading and helping others is what being butch and femme is all about!! historically, back when queer life was extremely dangerous an unaccepted in the united states, butches would always protect femmes and femmes would always (emotionally or otherwise) support butches. of course, the culture isn't limited to that and never was, having strict rules/roles would defeat the point, but it is a widely honored tradition even today. i do post for myself, but i’m also really glad you like my content and excited that i get to educate you a little more, as bi + B/F history and culture is a special interest of mine. :)

i really hope one day soon you can feel safe and open about your butch identity, as i'm sure that's when you'll feel the most free and happy you possibly ever could, but what matters right now is that you have the pride in knowing you connect with other butches and wish to be one of us/them. i would say in a different way i can relate to you ─ i'm not closeted by any means, both online and irl, but i certainly don't "look butch" yet and still have to work on physically getting there, such as shopping for more masc clothes while waiting for my haircut and whatnot. i only feel comfortable considering myself butch for the moment because socially i've already got a masc name & pronouns, and my sense of gender qualifies for the term. it's the best i can do, especially considering i'm still single and not dating a femme right now lmao. point is, nothing's stopping you from knowing who you are and where you want to be, even if there are currently obstacles directly in the way. i hope maybe that's even slightly more comforting to you??

anyway, all of this text and i still haven't answered your question in full. for that, i'd love to mention and lead you over to @femmebis if you aren't already familiar with them!! her historical essay advocating for bisexual usage of butch & femme, as well as all the positivity for us on her blog, is what familiarized me to ballroom culture in a way i could effectively understand and allowed me to feel like it was for me and i wasn't taking anything that wasn't mine. they gave me a sense of belonging and gradually helped me feel comfortable with myself and my own sense of masculinity. honestly, i would say it's this sort of cycle that calls for awakenings like that one i had. we learn from other (and probably older) butches & femmes what it's like to be one of them, and they inspire us to continue the legacy as we see fit. it's part of the tradition across generations and it's what keeps our history alive and well. for that reason, it makes me feel really good that i've inspired you myself and lets me believe that i've already done my part, if only on a miniscule level. 🫶💛

[sentientgopro]

Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

[notmuchtoconceal]

bro, if there's one thing writing douchebag porn's made me realize -- it's that i either definitely have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (actually the asshole disease) or i'm a fuckin hypocrondriac

see, the smart guy part of my brain's like bro -- the diagnostic criteria for mental illness can only really target increasingly specific patterns of symptom clusters, cause this shit's not like an essentialized state -- these are ostensibly patterns of maladaptive behavior which can be targeted and adjusted -- the underlying emotional causes of which can be assessed with trust, communication, honesty, and not by stupidly re-traumatizing people cause you're low-key channeling primate dominate urges into the acquisition of a novel identity --

which brings me right to what the stupid guy part of my brain says, which is -- bro, how many fuckin mental illnesses have you actually had? was bipolar disorder just a good guess? do you actually have any comorbidity? do you just have a vivid imagination? was that just a hemingway-esque affectation or a virtue signal that you think virginia woolf's suicide note is good and weepy?

wait, no -- it's cause you've been trapped in a stupidly self-repeating cycle of pain for years, do seem to have a non-standardized brain, if for no other reason that what's it been subjected to, and probably did see too much genuine malice at too young an age, and that did fuck you up -- and maintaining a belief in common decency while continuously broadening your sphere of understanding was either the correct survival adaptation, or a demonstration of some unique moral courage --

bro, wow -- you sure are doubting your own emotional validity alot -- maybe it's okay that you wanna scream every time someone feels manipulated by your emotions without your consent -

maybe what you just always had was a fuckin healthy sense of self-worth -- maybe constantly being treated like you just wanna be looked at cause narcissists won't stop projecting their insecurities onto you has warped your goddamn mind, and maybe you should fuckin be selective about people.

maybe they had to beat that outta you -- cause you wouldn't give in. maybe other people had to beat that outta you cause they had it beat outta them -- maybe they fuckin gave up. thought you should do.

maybe they never gave up -- maybe they wanted it all along. maybe you're just spoiling the game for them -- trying to speak up. they know the cost. they're willing to pay.

did they tell you the cost? did you agree to pay?

be generous -- but don't let your generosity

get taken advantage of.

there's a reason you don't trust nice people.

there's a reason douchebags are attractive.

everyone wants to be assertive.

everyone wants to be with someone bold and honest.

you admire these traits. you think they're a package deal.

they don't have to be.

you can be powerful, intelligent, and understanding.

they're the same -- just different.

you don't need to think in cliches.

you don't need to think in tv dinner thoughts.

a totem is a symbol of some deeper understanding -- and understanding arises only in contemplation -- you must burn away -- the gnarled deadwood which confines you to the dry brush --

the template --

must de deformed --

the standard --

must be shifted

what flexes

will bend

as ridges

will snap

personalize as you perform --

you are a feature, not a bug --

you are solitary, and collective,

one -- and among many

you must be yourself as you are

the ur-boy

for what you are will be useful

to the whole

as the whole

is useful to what you are every day

you must be yourself as you will be

there is no product

no date of completion

you, pliable matter

are thrall to the thumb war of time

resculpted every day anew

from the remnants of yesterdays work

[non-binharry]

hi asia! hope you’re well. absolutely no obligation to answer this but i had a general gender question (about myself) and i don’t have many queer friends to turn to atm. adult genderfluid person here, and i’ve been noticing the way my gender sometimes feels in flux in accordance with what i’m wearing. so like gender identity and gender presentation are obv two different things that can interrelate but like specifically i’ve been trying out more “feminine” things that i always shied away from when i was younger bc some instinctual part of me knew i didn’t love being coded as a feminine binary woman (unfortunately it also manifested as some nlog energy but i digress), including dresses and skirts and i’ve found myself wishing and wishing i could be a man wearing dresses every time i’ve done so and then was always like well i know i’m genderfluid like i still do feel connection to other forms of identity so it’s not that i’m necessarily a trans man. and then i was sorta like wait duh i’m genderfluid maybe i can be a sort of man when i feel like it? but then i worry that that’s invalidating of like other identities that aren’t fluid so idk i guess i’m just here spilling my thoughts bc i’m confused. at other times i’ll be wearing a binder and baggy shorts and be like i am the womanliest woman to ever woman. which i guess now that I’m typing it I’m like okay if i were my friend i would be like dude this is valid but bc it’s me I’m like ~no other ppl’s identities are all valid but i must be faking it for attention (even tho I’m literally closeted) etc etc~ also sometimes i feel way more comfortable just performing “femininity” if i feel like i “look like a boy” (quotes bc this is all socialized) i’ll be more flamboyant in my expressions etc. does this even make sense? and when i “look like a girl” i’ll often manspread and talk in my lower register and i don’t even think that’s like a conscious decision on my part it’s just what feels comfortable. so am i just comfortable like not fitting neatly into presentation categories? is that part of my gender fluidity? are questions I’m asking myself, obv not trying to like put all this on you (even though i am in your inbox, ahh i just find you really really comforting and supportive and affirming as a trans poc!)

anyway sorry for long rant, i’m in a totally okay and like stable spot and no worries if this is like not something you can respond to for whatever reason! i don’t really even know where i’m going with this other than I’m confused and sometimes i might want to be a boy? but usually it’s when I’m presenting as feminine? do i just like fucking w peoples minds?? does that matter is that even a meaningful distinction??

anon, i wish i could apologize a million times over for how long it has taken me to respond to this message, and frankly, it hurts me when you all are like "you don't have to respond" because i worry that my lack of response will make you think that's the option i've chosen lmao i've been so devastatingly busy with work and life lately when i do find a moment of quiet i can't even find a way to articulate anything other than "harr style big tittle" like a caveman

that being said, i love you, and i'm in love with you. i think you're doing exactly what a funky little fluid fella would do and should do and could do and i don't think you should doubt yourself for one minute because fucking with gender is sort of exactly what you're designed to do.

the thing is, your presentation is for yourself, even if no one else gets it. it's an expression of your gender identity, whether that's a fluid man in a dress, or a woman in a binder and baggy clothes, but that's YOU, and that's you expressing yourself how you best can. you're never going to nearly fit into anything, and that's the point. i don't want you to stress over thinking so much whether you're faking it because you're not, you're just experiencing yourself how you're meant to be. and i think that's neat.

i hope you're still around and see the response to this message because i do get the feeling that you are very settled into yourself despite whatever curiosities you may have, but it's always nice to have some reassurance and i'm here to say you're doing great 💗

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

[flying-elliska]

Your last post that you reblogged omg. I remember getting INTO it with someone that I grew up with. The are gay and had always talked about how growing up it was annoying when family members would question said gayness. Saying stuff like “ok well it’s obviously a phase! You’ll meet the right woman and you’ll see” making making very uncomfortable jokes about our friendship saying how they’ll wait out on a wedding invitation in the future. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was ace as fuck. I definitely went through the comp het where I forced myself to get physical with guys because that’s what you did but deep down I was not totally about it? It wasn’t horrible and guys were very nice to look at but I knew deep deep down that I did not feel about sex the same way ppl around me did. My friend knew and would always tell me that I was a lesbian. And I genuinely didn’t think I was. I thought woman were beautiful, but pretty much in the same vain, thoughts of having sex with woman didn’t bring me any more thoughts towards sex than with men. But my friend was queer and I thought well maybe he’s recognizing something in me that I’m not seeing? And I was starting to understand as we’re getting older that it was like compulsory that all the queer kids would be in friend groups even if they had no idea they were in the community until they were older lol. And so I decided maybe? My friend was also incredibly pushy about it and I tried it out with women. Unsurprisingly, it came with the same result as men. Wasn’t horrible, woman are nice to look that, but like something is just not there. I told my friend this and he was just confused as shit. Not in the way I was but in a like exasperated way and started making jokes about me maybe not knowing what I’m doing in sex and maybe that’s why I don’t feel about it. I was infuriated. I started learning about the ace spectrum and I lit up like a Christmas tree inside and was like holy shit that’s me! That is me omg I didn’t realize that that could be me. And I told my friend cause I was excited ! And he was just like TRIGGER WARNING “ok be straight with me. Were you SA’ed (won’t type it out) in the past?” I exploded. Like why tf was that your first question. I wasn’t. Thank goodness I never have been but that shouldn’t have mattered! And he was just awful about it. I was like how on earth could you sit there and tell me that you don’t believe such a thing exists when you had such a hard time convincing your family that you’re gay? You’re being just like them! But to me! Did not go over well and it’s been years but our friendship changed and he always cracks jokes about it. We’ve been a part of a friend group for long while tho who call him out. Whenever he says something they’re like “ok you’re a white gay man nobody asked for your input” (imagine like a big beautiful Asian man who has aspirations to become a drag Queen saying this) but it’s been hurtful. I’m Hispanic too and the stereotypical pressure to have a lot of kids has been kind of put upon me since youth and idk if I want kids. Like I barely want the act that makes kids to happen let alone do all that. Whooo sorry. This was long and rambly but I needed to get this out lol

Aw anon 🧡🧡 I'm sorry to hear your friend treated you like that, it must have been so disappointing ! Unfortunately a lot of people, instead of maybe using their brain and/or sense of compassion, wait for society to tell them which identity/experience/behavior is valid/legitimate and which identity/experience/behavior is okay to hate, ridicule or dismiss. You'd think marginalized people would be above this but unfortunately whenever their identity starts to be a little more accepted they're so relieved to finally be in the "valid group" they can turn around and be extra shitty to others because they're relieved to be on top this time. It's so depressing.

I'm glad you figured out your sexuality but i'm sorry you had to go through all that to get there and that your friends were so pushy. It's obviously not the same but growing up not knowing or believing bisexuality was a real thing until my early 20s created a lot of confusion and headache for me so I can relate a little. It sucks to be in the dark about such a fundamental part of yr identity and to think there is something wrong with you bc you don't fit any of the molds around you (and this is even worse for mental health related questions lol). This stuff has really taught me the fundamental importance of respecting ppl's differences and deeply held feelings as long as they're not hurting anyone, even when they don't have a label or an explanation. And also yeah like not considering that being queer (or a woman, or...) gives you a general I'm So Oppressed key that can allow you to do just whatever. I have met ppl who use this whole "i am a victim so i can never hurt others actually" argument and its really shitty.

Also props to your future drag queen friend and the others for being very fabulous 🧡 and yeah the kids thing is also hard, I also have doubts about ever wanting kids and esp past a certain age the pressure can be really awful 😫 it's so important that being queer still means that we can question that heteronormative ideal and that families and general happiness in life can look all sorts of ways and they're all vital and beautiful in their own right 💖💖💖💖

[coffeeismyblo0d]

By The Society's Needs

TW // Minor Misgendering

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The sound rang through Aspen's already tired ears, reminding them of what was to be expected, and what was not to be expected. They turned,  looking at their annoyingly loud phone which displayed the time: 7:05.

Aspen slammed their hand down on the phone, sighing softly as it shut off the alarm,  which felt glorious to them this early the morning. They heard the loud yelling of their neighbors,  who were just on the other side of the thin walls.  They also heard a rather loud thumping noise, of which they desperately hoped was a exercise  machine upstairs, despite knowing the truth behind it.

Aspen launched themselves up, stretching their arms and back out. This had been part of their routine for a while, the only exceptions coming during sick days, which were few in numbers, fortunately. Aspen looked around their room for a moment,  trying to find what they were looking for amongst the littered sketches of outfits to be.

"Ah yes,  there you are." They held their rediscovered binder up in triumph,  despite being alone at the moment. Their binder was special to them of course.  After all, it sealed a lot of insecurities about their body away with what little changes it made.

Aspen hopped on one foot as they tried pull both the binder and a sock on at the same time. Of course, this was a major struggle for them, as the binder was a binder, and a sock is on your foot. Both were on opposite points of the body.

Aspen turned toward the full length mirror in their room, despite one sock halfway off of their foot. They hummed, tilting their head at themselves.

"What should we go for today bud..?" They looked at their succulent.  "Of course,  you're throwing a fit.  I'm sorry but too much water might kill you." They giggled softly, clipping the binder back enough so it fully reduced everything.  "There. I think that will look great."

"And we'll go...." Aspen looked at the closet full of outfits,  outfits that fit many different moods and aesthetics. They grabbed an outfit that included items sewn by them themselves, such as overalls, an 'ugly' sweater, and others that went along with them. Aspen chose a pair of short boots as an addition to the outfit, smiling. "I think I'm going to look great today. "

They turned towards the clock on their bedside table,  which had been handpainted by a local artist. The clock read 7:15. Aspen smiled.  "Right on track, I am."

Once done getting dressed, Aspen grabbed their bag and walked out the door,  rubbing their eyes.  How they were still tired, was a question that would likely be left unanswered.

"Let's hope you start..." Aspen muttered, turning their key in the car. They let out a sigh of relief as it turned on without stalling as they attempted to turn music on.  "Thank you..."

They started their drive to work,  groaning as their music refused to load. "At least the car started, that's all I could ask for.." They muttered, eyeing their bag of fabric and other assorted sewing items. A bag that hadn't been touched in a long time.

"Someday buddy, someday." Aspen patted the bag, waiting in traffic. Their eyes drifted over for just a moment,  seeing the scammer like looking teen on the sidewalk. Every place had scams,  even if you lived somewhere remote. And the bustling city was no exception to this rule, especially downtown.

As soon as they were able, Aspen continued driving. They loved yet hated the activity.  They loved it because it gave them inspiration,and they hated it because it was terrifying.

Another reason to hate driving was where it took Aspen. The job yet to enlighten them was kept only because of Aspen's license. A license that Aspen wishes would have been nonexistent,  and would allow them to live a life. A life where their own business was possible.

The job may have felt constricting,  but Aspen didn't want to get into a deeper hole than the one they were already in financially. The job supported them. There was no way-if they were sane- that they would quit.

"Astroplanes." Aspen muttered as they pulled up to the big building. "The bane of my existence."

The building itself wasn't decked out in anything too special.  The logo was in neon lights, but that was otherwise it for the dread filled building.  Remove the logo, and it would likely be unrecognizable next to it's store counterpart.

The inside of each building was different in it's own way, aside from the store being the store,  and the building being where everything was designed.  The employees at the store seemed much more interactive and alive, even if on their last strain of life. Where as in here, they seemed dead, with few of the employees cheerful.

"Morning." Aspen's coworker waved,  sipping her coffee as she walked past them. "The big lady is here today." She sighed. "Just warnin' ya kid."

"Well that's great. " Aspen smiled,  sounding cheerful to their fellow worker. Inside,  they were screaming in rage,  because corporate officials were always unpleasant.

Aspen sat down at their workspace, pulling out the sketchbook they saved for work. It was filled with ideas they wanted to fulfill,  but couldn't,  and ones they didn't quite enjoy, but knew were required to produce into a true product.

In Aspen's eyes, fashion was fluid,  and had no limits.  There was no feminine or masculine in what they saw, because they wanted their demographic to wear what they saw as validating. There was no limit to how 'crazy' a look could be in Aspen's head. Everyone should have their size that fits and look great,  was something along the lines of Aspen's thinking.

Astroplanes differed very much from one of their many overworked employees,  as one expensive company does. They marketed everything towards women, and made everything feminine.  There was nothing super crazy,and looks lacked simple,  yet amplifying touches,  such as a single patch.  The sizes for what was sold the most didn't expand far, and many things marketed as plus size were not considered as fashion as the mainstream products.

Aspen had nothing against the clothes themselves,  because an outfit looks great to someone no matter what the outfit is made of.  It was the way that Astroplanes went about their products,  and how employees and customers alike were treated that didn't sit right with Aspen.

They couldn't help but wonder what went through someone's head to not acknowledge the truth about companies like Astroplanes. Then again,  they knew it'd be pointless to point out flaws, as they'd just get squished like the tiniest ant outside of it's hill.

Aspen sighed as they stared at the blank page, tapping the eraser of their pencil on the woodtop desk. They started sketching,  looking at the figure they had drawn.  They continued to sketch, drawing whatever they pleased, ignoring the tall slim woman in the background.

The result was spectacular,  in short. It displayed a colorful suit,  of which did not particularly define the model's identity.

"What is this?"

"I-" Aspen turned,  met with the bright red face of the company's owner, who was clearly angry. "It's my own design ma'am. "

"We can not have this." The woman scoffed. "This is far beyond the goals of my company!"

"I apologi-"

"You absolute digust of a woman!" She spat, her eyes narrowed.  "I never want something like that ever again,  especially from you."

Aspen resisted the urge to reach up and punch the company's owner. They were beyond angry at getting yelled at for a design, and offended by the incorrect use of pronouns,  when they had a very visible pin on their jacket reading 'THEY/THEM'.

"Yes ma'am. " Aspen responded,  trying to sound as kind as possible after the last moment.

They watched the woman walk away. They let out a sigh of relief and rolled their eyes.  They flipped to a different page in their sketchbook, starting on a completely different design from the supposedly troublesome one.

The rest of the day would go along fairly smooth for Aspen,  with nothing other than the usual annoyances bothering them, sucha as a lazy coworker complaining that no one would get fabric for them.

Aspen sat alone while on their lunch break, listening to music as usually did. Nothing else had changed from doing it's normal way of doing things. Unless you counted Aspen constantly thinking about the event that had happened earlier, at the beginning of the day, then that counts.

"Still sucks here." Aspen muttered, looking at the building as they left, long after their last free breath of air while on lunch. "Things never change,  do they?"

They turned on a random Spotify playlist once they got in their car,  tossing their work bag into the passenger seat of the car. They sighed, turning the key to their car a few times to get it to start.

"At least I have my car, right?" Aspen muttered to themselves,  backing out of the parking spot before having to halt to a stop, with their coworker Tammy trying to get out of the parking lot.  They heard indistinct yelling,  a car horn,  and then screeching tires.

'They never fail to amaze me.' Aspen thought,  their green eyes staring at the road. 'I wonder what goes on in the small mind they possess. '

They left the parking lot,  just letting their thoughts whizz by as they pleased,  in fear they would focus on the bad of the day. The music helped,  serving as a good distraction that didn't distract Aspen from driving.

Thankfully,  the drive home was not too bad for Aspen after all. They didn't die.

They fixed themselves a quick dinner once they had changed into more comfortable clothes after getting home. The dinner in question  as really just a hot pocket,  but Aspen could care less.

They checked their plants and made sure they were alright, watering the ones whose soil was dry.  They stretched their torso out, sighing as their shoulders became less tense and relaxed.

They then watched a bit of whatever they felt like watching. Aspen knew they didn't have particularly good taste, but could care less at that moment.

Aspen went to bed once they had finished watching their show, curling up in a ball on their side underneath the warm blanket. They managed to fall asleep after twenty minutes of empty thought,  knowing the next day would be the same.

[thatwritingho]

I gotchu anon. This one hits close to home😔but tbh was pretty therapeutic to write

If you ever need someone to talk to about it, my dms are always open.

⚠️Obvious trigger warning for child abuse below the cut⚠️

You hated it, how even after all these years, just a string of words, a smell, a nightmare, anything that reminded you even slightly of that time could send you spiraling; amp up your heart rate, disrupt your breathing, force tears to your eyes, and steal your ability to speak. 

It was rarer, these days, for that all consuming feeling of dread and fear to overtake you. Time would never heal this, but it was easier to push it to the back of your mind, to go through the motions of your day to day like a semi-functional human being, with the trauma of days long gone buried securely behind multiple thick walls.

So rare, in fact, that you had never brought it up to your lover. Its not that you didn't trust them, far from it. Your conversations had merely never turned in that direction, and there was never a right time to just bring that up. You kept telling yourself that it didn't matter, that it was long in the past and you hadn't even had an anxiety attack in ages anyway. 

But now, here you were, curled up in your bed, blanket wrapped tightly around your shoulders in an attempt to hold yourself together.

Your door opened and fear shot through you like cold fire, for the briefest of seconds you were that same scared little child again, expecting to see your abuser as your eyes shot to the source of footsteps. Relief washed over you like a warm wave as you saw it was not them, but your lover, their eyes full of barely concealed concern as they rushed to your side, taking your hands in theirs and searching your eyes.

"Whats wrong?"

You opened your mouth, but no words came, only a choked sob as tears spilled down your face. Your tongue felt like lead in your mouth, your jaw wired together by anxiety. Their grip on your hands tightened. 

It was time. You needed to tell them. You wanted to tell them. And so you took a deep breath, and told your story as best as you could.

Itachi:

Listens to you calmly and patiently, though inside his heart is breaking for you. 

He's almost relieved, in a way, that you're opening up to him

It explains so much, and he's kicking himself for not realizing sooner, for not seeing the signs, certain aspects of your behavior, for what they were and putting two and two together

Feels like a terrible boyfriend for not noticing and leaving you to deal with this on your own

But you're not on your own anymore

he may not totally understand your situation, but he's no stranger to traumatic childhood events himself

Makes it clear that he is going to support you and support you hard, making sure you know you can talk to him about this any time

He never brings it up first, but is always ready to listen

All in all yall already know he's perfect boyfriend material and this is no exception

Kisame:

Similar to itachi tbh

But even better

A great listener but also somehow knows exactly what to say???

"You have every right to be upset." 

"You're not defined by this."

"I'm proud of you for being so strong, but you're not alone anymore. I'm here to support you now."

Here king you dropped your crown👑

You will feel so much better after opening up to this man I swear it

He has def had to comfort someone close to him in this way before, maybe a sister or team mate

He's just too good to not have

But we all know his heart is just as big as his sword so its no surprise that he's like this

Has always been understanding when you're having a more difficult day, but now that he knows the cause of some of your actions is trauma, he knows just how to calm you down and ground you

100/10 marry this man or I will

Deidara:

Is stunned, tbh

Like he never fucking suspected

Feels like shit honestly, what kind of boyfriend is he that he couldn't even tell his lover was struggling with something so big?

Knows he shouldn't be making this conversation about himself, though, so he doesn't say any of that

His hand mouths kiss your palms to try to comfort you

Pulls you into a giant hug when you finish speaking and kisses your tears away

Oh shit but wait maybe you don't want to be touched right now? Thats a thing right?

Doesn't have any knowledge on this but he's trying ok

Is very open to any changes that come to your dynamics because of the new found news

Maybe a bit too open

Like completely stops initiating sex because he doesn't want you to feel pressured

And just all in all starts treating you like you're fragile

Its sweet, his heart is in the right place, but that isn't what you want of course

So you have to sit him down and tell him that you're still you, and he's still him, and that you don't want your relationship to change because of something that happened before you even met

That finally makes it click for him, and he goes back to his normal self pretty quickly

And he is always, always there if you want to talk about it. He may not understand, but he loves you and will do whatever he can to help you feel less alone

Sasori:

He done been knew

Well, he heavily suspected. I head canon him as an abuse survivor himself, and he recognized the signs

Knows how difficult it is to talk about, so he was just waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to bring it up

Lowkey relieved, because even though its horrible, having someone else who understands that particular brand of trauma is rare

Especially for him since he's never opened up to anyone else like he has you

But he's also fucking furious

We all know Sasori views people as possessions 

And even though he loves you more than anything else in the world, he still feels that way about you too, to a smaller extent, but its there

So the thought that someone did that to something of his?

Oh he mad

But he has enough wherewithal to not let you see that burning rage while you're upset and confiding in him

He listens attentively, and gives you as much comfort as he can until you calm down

Finds some way to weasel out the identity of your abuser without upsetting you(ya boi is manipulative af)

Later has one of his spies hunt the person down and capture them, and then sneaks off and takes his sweet time to make them regret ever even looking at you

Might tell you about his own abuse sometime in the future. Maybe. 

Kakazu:

Its not often that Kakazu feels the need to put effort into holding back his anger

But this is one of those times

Because he is livid

He has always taken extra joy in collecting the heads of child rapists for bounties

He may be immoral in regards to most things, but that is a line that should not be crossed

And to think about that happening to you makes him want to kill

Makes a vow to himself as soon as the words leave your lips, that he will find the scum that did this and destroy them. Slowly. Painfully.

But for now he listens, holding you hands with as much gentle care as he can muster 

Kakuzu is at a loss for how to handle delicate, emotional situations like this. But he tries, for you.

Wiping away your tears and holding you softly, allowing far more cuddles and gentle affection than he normally would that night 

He feels that acting different around you after would be an insult to your ability to handle a problem you've been dealing with for years

But he can't help but be a little easier on you, letting you get away with more back talk or general acts of affection than usual

He may even surprise you with a few small gifts

That necklace you were eyeing in the last town? That new album by that group you like that just dropped? A collectors edition of your favorite book? 

As much as he hates spending money, he just can't help himself

Afterall, the fact that you trusted him, him, with this information makes him feel a bit squishy inside

Hidan:

Another one for team "I'll fucking kill them!"

But much more upfront about it

Unlike Sasori and Kakuzu, he does not have the sense to not let his rage be know to you while you're telling him

But then he sees how you shrink, how you curl further into yourself, how you start crying that much harder

"Fuck, baby, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you."

Once you calm down, you have to explain that him being angry and aggressive does not help when you're fighting off these memories

He feels like shit for upsetting you further

Go easy on him. You're the first person he's ever cared about. He's emotionally stunted but hes trying

Kind of just shuts up and let's you talk after that

Is lowkey amazed that you were hiding all these awful feelings this whole time

Is also lowkey amazed that you were able to function and seem so normal with them

Holds you close when you finish, and in the most serious, calm tone you've ever heard from him, promises that no one will ever hurt you like that again, and that he will make this person pay

They aren't worthy of being a sacrifice to Lord Jashin.

But you best believe Hidan will make them suffer 

Konan:

Sad girl is sad

Also not surprised, she knows how common it is for these things to happen

She's dealt with sexual harassment hersef

But her heart aches for you

Holds you tight, letting you cry into her shoulder and cling to her as much as you want

Soothingly stroking your back or arm or petting your hair as you let it all out

She can relate to many of the feelings you share

Is literally the only one who thinks to ask if you have any triggers

Not quite as supportive as Kisame, but still validates your feelings

"Its ok to be angry."

"You've been so strong."

"Be gentle with yourself."

Doesn’t let it affect your relationship 

But she is more understanding if you get in a mood

If you're being especially irritable or pushing her away, she may ask, "are you ok?" and give you a look

Its frustrating but also helps ground you

10/10 wifey I love her

Nagato/Pain:

Poor baby is devastated 

Also concerned

You've been hiding this pain from him all this time… why?

Do you not trust him?

Do you not think he could handle knowing?

All he wants is to take your heart ache from you, even if it means it becomes his

Lovers should share everything, including pain

And so you tell him, though teary eyes, that no, no, of course not, that's not it

Its just that every time you wanted to tell him, you just…  couldn't

How the trauma would cause your body to physically prevent you from speaking about it, even when you wanted to

You both end up crying 

He wants to know everything about how it affects you, physically, emotionally, all of it

The more he knows, the more he can do to help

Lowkey might have Konan pick him up a book or two on the subject, just to get a better understanding 

You already know he’s gonna obliterate the person who did this to you

Obito:

This man i swear

He's worse than Deidara

Finding out something so terrible happened to you, seeing how deeply its hurt you, has him crying right along with you

Feels helpless that he can't make it better

"I should have been there to protect you."

"Obito, we didn't even know each other."

"That's irrelevant."

Is super comforting though, kisses your fingers and plays with your hair and tells you how much he loves you

Very eager to do anything in his power to make you smile

"Is there anything I can get you, baby? Do you want a glass of water? Tea? Sake? How about some ice cream? A foot massage? New kunai? A private island? Want me to kill all the world leaders tomorrow?"

He's excessive but its cute and makes you laugh

Is the only one considerate enough to actually ask if you're OK with him killing your abuser

If you say yes, he'll also ask if you want to watch

There won't be anything left of the person after Obito is done with them. No blood. Not a scorch mark. Not even a stray skin cell. Nothing. He completely erases them from existence.

If you say no though, he's probably still gonna do it anyway, but make it look like an accident. He just can't let that person live after what they did to you. 

But hey, at least he asked first right?

[theangrypokemaniac]

I'll state from the beginning that the images below display the sort of sweet synchronicity to which only love can give life:

MaAndPaShipping is the best ship, and here are five reasons why:

1. It Made James

Like the boy do yer? Ever felt the slightest tingle of warmth at the mention of his name?

Well get down on yer knees and give thanks to his mother and father for gifting him to the world!

Where would we be without their remarkable commitment? Could James have grown into the dandified dream boat of your desires if deprived of the safety provided by his parents?

Had they not brought him up, he'd be dead, The Dog of Flanders fantasy made reality. If miraculously he survived, foraging in the wild is not conducive to a foppish personality.

Is that to yer fancy? No? Then let's have a little respect. The luxury Ma and Pa gave enabled his macaroni tendencies to reach such heights.

Their love created him! How can it not be celebrated?

You lot would ship Jessie's parents but you can't, because she has no dad, and I don't suppose you'll ever assent to his obvious identity of Windy Miller, although 'Jessie Miller' has a wonderful ring to it, so what can be done?

Should a Pa Jess be conjured for the purpose, he still buggered off, didn't he? Where's the allure in a faithless git?

I can't comprehend the obsession with Ma Jess. As soon as here she's stiff, and what is there to remember but coercing her daughter into eating snow?

Hey, I named her. What more do you want from me?

I'd rather have the living, visible ancestors, if you don't mind.

Yeah, says the history fanatic.

Why not make the most of the chances offered, and follow a devoted couple whose love made a difference to your existence?

2. Canon!

There are many ships which I find repulsive for involving depravity, or absurd as the subjects haven't met, or don't inhabit the same fictional universe.

Video et taceo: I see and I say nothing.

Neither does anyone. Forcing decent folk in to incest, bestiality etc. is quite alright.

Perverted ideas are left alone, but woe betide a Rocketshipper, because that's offensive.

It may be the only original ship left standing, with proper evidence and sanctioned by Nintendo, but no, it's fair game for undermining. People pick at your arguments, quibble constantly and NEED to register their objections NOW. You MUST be made aware of opposition. You're not to be permitted your views the way those with twisted tastes are indulged.

Why, out of tens of thousands of combinations, does making Jessie and James an item provoke hostility?

The strength of negativity actually serves as validation, for why be so concerned if it's an impossible relationship?

However sick they are, I'm not anti any ship. I can't muster sufficient interest to do it, and if I scroll on, I forget. I certainly don't attack those responsible.

Anti-Shipping is inherently nihilistic for promoting loneliness. They aren't against Rocketshipping through wanting Jessie and James to be with someone else, as an alternative is not readily available, so the outcome of it is neither finding a companion.

MaAndPaShipping attracts no sourpuss silliness, for 'tis canon beyond question. There's nothing about being 'just friends' when married with a son.

How's the state of your O.T.P.? Not looking too clever I expect, and what's your contribution: wishing, and hoping, and thinking, and praying?

Cast it off! None of that longing is necessary in these quarters, as MaAndPaShipping is a fait accompli.

Hallelujah! Wallow in that Love!

Don't you yearn for at least one ship that all of us accept by default, to the extent these aristocrats are spoken of as a single unit?

Across the internet, Ma and Pa are bracketed as 'James's parents', never 'he' and 'she', always 'they', barely counting as distinct characters. That's how undeniable the love is between them. Sheer indifference has awarded it a blessing from everyone.

MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Of course, now I've drawn attention to it the moaning will start, but we all know a spoilsport when we see one.

If they had any legitimate complaints they ought to have mentioned 'em before this piece highlighted the marriage!

Except it won't have occurred to 'em previously, proving the eternal, indissoluble quality of MaAndPaShipping.

You get good value with this one.

Find a post referring to Ma and Pa as individuals and I'll have written it, for that's what you call ironic.

3. It's a Fine Rocketshipping Proxy

I was at primary school when Pokémon hit the West like the bright, bearded meteor it is, atomizing all competition for a child's attention.

I have shipped Jessie and James before I knew anyone else did it, unaware shipping was even a thing.

There are other pairs where I think: 'That seems to fit', but it's incomparable to what I feel for them.

It is part of me. I bleed it.

I have shipped it longer than most Tumblerries have dwelt upon the earth.

I used to believe, what with the hints and manga finale, that this resolution was  inevitable, and all I had to do was wait.

Well I've been patient for two decades now, thus when I look at the modern incarnation, and realise it's no nearer to that goal, and instead is further away, waiting starts to wear a bit thin.

I resent the lack of appreciation shown to the fans by the cretins in charge, how any meagre shippy inclusion is done not with an interest in deepening bonds, but with the blatant cynicism of moulding us into performing monkeys dancing to their manipulative tune.

I dislike being treated like a sea lion, expected to clap me flippers at the wave of a fish, or as a panting dog begging at top table, where, because they're desperate to maintain the status quo, every scrap flung down from above now comes with an Anti-Ship kick in the teeth, just to be sure nothing progresses. Not whilst the franchise can still be milked for all it's worth.

I have lost faith Rocketshipping will happen. What passes for Pokémon today carries not the remotest indication of any intention on the so-called writers' part to finish it that way.

Even if it did, it's not my Team Rocket, it's those skeletal, gargoyle bastardisations. My Jessie and James never got the reward they deserved.

I'm somewhat in the market for a replacement. Beneath this loathsome carapace of acid and ice beats the tender heart of a true romantic, and it must have an outlet!

Shipping Ma and Pa provides a certain spurious relief, because it's as close as you can get to Jessie and James without it being them, both biologically as his parents, but they're so similar to the duo it counts as proof in itself.

Holy Matrimony! is prime Rocketshipping territory, not merely the balloon lift, but many slight additions are as important, like the haircuts matching.

Ma and Pa are therefore Jessie and James in the past, present and future:

The past for representing Jess 'n' Jamie gone Victorian, and we've all wondered how that'd turn out.

The present as it's there right now, absent of suffering the shameless whims of morons to get what you want. 'Tis yours to savour.

The future as a glimpse of Jessie and James once married with children, and they agree:

That's how they play it given the opportunity!

What, James in blue, for his and Pa's hair, and Jessie wearing purple, like Ma's, with a red shawl for her own, and Ma Jess's orange earrings to copy the beads?

• Money!

• Bun!

• 'Tache!

• Classy pad!

• Fancy gear!

• Pampered pet!

• Identical cups of Earl Grey!

4. Original Blend

Ma and Pa have only got two fans! We care more than the entire fandom has in twenty years!

Rocketshipping art is ten a penny, so why not display a pioneering spirit, sharpen up those pencils and be inspired?

Let your mind expand and marvel at the possibilities of these unchartered territories, and I'll reblog it if it's nice.

Pay attention to the condition of it being nice. I'm not putting up with any old toss.

Real Ma and Pa is what I want too, not those Sinnoh coffin-dodgers.

It's never been done! Every drawing breaks new ground!

I don't like fan fiction, but I wouldn't say 'no' to that either. Recall the 'nice' stipulation again.

Come on, be the first amongst your friends and get ship shape!

5. It Gives Us All Hope

Suppose your favourite amour one day became canon: you imagine that's the end of the matter?

Well it ain't.

Between Ash, Misty, Brock, Jessie, James, Gary and Tracey, there are three-and-a-half out of fourteen parents (Flint doesn't count as a complete man) and one out of twenty-eight grandparents, and that's not enough!

If the series drew to a close with your beloved couple apparently walking into the happily-ever-after, there's no guarantee it'll endure. In fact, the odds are they'll split up within a few years and leave another generation to fend for themselves or starve.

That's right, so don't presume the final episode is all you need to worry about. Can you rest easy knowing it'll go pear-shaped once the camera stops rolling?

It's futile soothing one's worries with:

Oh, but they know what it's like to be alone. They'd never inflict such stress on their children.

Oh really?

Look at that poor showing of grandparents. Either Pokémon has a system reminiscent of the sci-fi film Logan's Run, where everyone over thirty is vapourized, or these disappearing maters and paters were themselves victims of abandonment.

I bet when they settled down, they thought it'd be different for their kids, they'd make sure of it, but no, off they went down that same route of feckless self-indulgence, and that's being kind assuming they intended not to repeat history.

Depressing eh? What's the good in any of us surrendering to romance, real or otherwise, if love is but a mayfly of emotion, and all dreams are doomed to die?

Then Ma and Pa arrive, and suddenly the storm clouds part for a ray of heavenly light.

It's not only that they made the effort in what was probably an arranged marriage and have stayed together from youth, it's that they've stayed together when no one else has, which augments its value.

When separation is commonplace, sticking it out becomes rarer and rarer as any belief in the sanctity of wedlock erodes with every failure.

If they didn't bother, why should I? What's the use when it won't work?

Once that idea enters your head, it's over, and your gloom-laden attitude fulfils itself.

Society is collapsing about Ma and Pa's ears, but they persevere nevertheless, refusing to buckle under the turgid malaise engulfing the arrogant and weak.

It's bloody beautiful, man!

You may suggest an environment of supreme wealth erases normality, and to their class and time period divorce is still taboo, so they don't really have much of choice but to remain wedded.

Ah, but it's not as if they simply tolerate one another for appearances, or carried on for the sake of their son (which is more than anyone else did besides), not when he walked out on them.

They've been married longer than James has lived, so at least eighteen years (don't all squeal at once), and they're still blissfully contented!

They hold hands!

They use terms of endearment like 'dear' and 'my precious'!

They were made for one another!

They work as a team!

They want the same thing for James!

It could bring a stone angel to tears it's so beautiful!

See what success can be achieved when you try? When you endeavour to love the one you're with and make yourself worth loving in return?

Better that than chucking 'em at the first sign of trouble.

Ma and Pa is such an irrevocable union even the despair of losing their only child failed to tear 'em asunder, and that'd defeat many, but not this husband and wife.

Be grateful, for it means all is not in vain.

It doesn't have to be misery and pain: love can last despite the pressure of a wretched, hollow culture bent on self-destruction. Your ship might just succeed too.

God bless 'em for keeping the magic alive!

...

Why do I have the presentiment that I'm going to regret encouraging support?

[askanonbinary]

Idk if this is the right place but here’s a family member’s argument about using they as singular. I want to know how to explain to him that it’s correct and appropriate. Here’s his take. This didn't really say anything I didn't already know outside of her own opinion/solution, but to be honest, this is irrelevant. I'm not questioning the need for new language. I'm not denying the right to identity either. She says "some people used 'they' and it sounded weird, but then I got used to it". 1

It’s not a solution or even a compromise, it’s a “just do it” because they like this word, but they like this word too. I’m not against a community for pointing out a poor decision made by that community, I’m simply commenting on it, because that’s the whole point, right? A dialogue to relate for means of consensus. I apologize if I’m insulting you or making you feel upset, I promise that it’s not my intention and I love you. 2

Change is good and I understand why you either prefer “they” or support those who prefer “they”. The action and decision to support a community is mature and beautiful. I’m proud of you for that. I’m just saying they should’ve used another word. 3 final

Tell them to look it up in the dictionary and that “it sounds weird” isn’t a good reason to look down on it. I don’t like the word “moist” but that doesn’t make it not a valid word, nor does my personal feelings on it get to dictate whether or not it’s a useful term, and if I shudder and go “ew” anytime someone says “moist”, it just makes me look like an ass.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/theyhttps://www.dictionary.com/browse/they?s=thttps://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/they

You could also talk about how language naturally evolves over time (and mocking this makes you sound old and bitter). Ou and ha used to be gender neutral pronouns. I believe they may have fallen out of use in favor of they. As a singular pronoun, they has been around since the 13th century, which makes peoples protests against it especially hilarious, tbh. For a while, there was at least a push for he to be a gender neutral pronoun, though that eventually fell out of favor. And fun fact, you began replacing thee, thou, and ye out of use ages ago. I bet people complained about that, too, but was it for a good reason? I highly fucking doubt it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third-person_pronoun#Historical_and_dialectal_gender-neutral_pronounshttps://www.theodysseyonline.com/7-facts-about-the-history-of-gendered-pronounshttps://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/third-person-gender-neutral-pronoun-thon

You can also talk about how they/them is already in common use in everyday language (and even as singular, people just don’t realize how much they use it singularly) and that makes it very easy and useful for people to use rather than waiting for people to learn brand new pronouns (or brand new to them).

You could also talk about all the other pronouns that are in use (here’s just a few) and how people are diverse with different preferences, and that’s what makes us amazing. I always like to compare pronouns to names. Learning someone’s name is a basic step of common courtesy and respect. That doesn’t mean you have to know ALL the names in the world first. It just means when someone introduces themselves, you listen to their name, you learn it, and you respect it. Pronouns are the same. We’re incredibly diverse with a wide array of pronouns we can use. That doesn’t mean you have to know them all now. It means when someone introduces themselves with a new set, you take the time to learn it and you respect that. Along with this, you could also turn their rant back on them and ask them to just think about how they’d feel if, after introducing themselves to someone, that person went on a vent about how their name was spelled wrong or should be completely different because they would never name their child that name or something. I bet they’re defensive at first, but if they really thought about this question, they’d realize this would most likely bother them.

Finally, I would ask what the lecture and rant was for if they truly do support and understand those of us that use they/them pronouns. Sounds like your friend needs to stop and re-evaluate their real feelings and figure out what their hangup over they/them is really over because I can pretty much guarantee it’s transphobic in its roots. No matter how much they have tried to unlearn transphobia, we live in a transphobic society, we are all transphobic, and it is a constant process. But someone who complains that we’re “wrong” (who tf made your friend the ultimate language police lmaoooo) for the pronouns we use isn’t someone who has bothered unlearning this or actually accepts and respects this process. If you respect something, I don’t see why it would set you off on a ridiculous rant on how it is “wrong”.

If this is what your friend said to you, then this was really insidious, and I’m so sorry you had to sit through that pile of garbage. People cannot just say they are accepting and understanding and respecting. They show it. It does not matter how much your friend tries to preface this as acceptance, it’s not, and it’s something they need to work on. I’m sorry you had to hear this.

I hope what I said helps. If you google things like “why they pronouns are valid” or “singular they/them pronouns” or similar searches, you can also find some points by other people as well.

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/use-the-singular-they/https://www.teenvogue.com/story/they-them-questions-answered?verso=truehttps://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/respecting-theythem-pronouns_us_58c05c7be4b070e55af9eac7

Good luck! It’s awesome that you want to try and dialogue about this.

~ Mod Sock

[skys813]

Discovery

Chapter 5 (Arc Finale)

Me: Before we start, is there anything you'd like to say, Anxiety?

Anxiety: *gives me a hard look and then looks away* No.

Me: I see. Let's begin, then. Over the past couple of weeks we've been struggling to deal with a new possibility. I'm aware that in every happy reality Research conjured for us we were in a romantic relationship with implied sexual undertones. The new possibility suggests that we don't find a romantic or sexual partner in the future. Up until now it's only been a vague suggestion, however, after further examination, I thought it would be best to bring it to the council's attention as a legitimate possible plan for the future.

Anxiety: I don't see why this is relevant given that Sexuality is obviously a lesbian. Haven't we been over this already?

Me: Actually, we haven't. That was a suggestion you made, not a fact of life. Which brings us to our first issue; determining Sexuality's true orientation. I'd like to bring some memories to the front if you don't mind. Let's start with a few questions I asked after I first learned what sex was. "Do I have to? Can I be married without doing it? Can I have kids without doing it?" Our first reaction was aversion. Of course, that's normal at the beginning, but those feelings never went away. Instead, it changed to reluctant acceptance that this is what would happen to us. The truth is that we never felt sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of their gender. We knew instinctively we wouldn't like sex in any form, but we pushed the feeling down and convinced ourselves that it'd be fine and we'd just have to do this for love.

Love: Is that not true? The only lifelong bond that allows us to be as invested and dedicated as we wish to be is a romantic one. Friendship can be strong, but it's not the same, Sky. We would not be prioritized the same way, you can't expect that of someone. If they have a romantic relationship with someone else, they have to prioritize that person above you, regardless of how close you get. Only a romantic bond guarantees you that level of trust and faith in each other. The exclusivity.

Me: I understand and accept that we wouldn't always be prioritized above the person's romantic relationship, but the rest is simply not true. It's possible. Research, if you'd be a dear, and pull up the definitions of a Queerplatonic Relationship and a Zucchini.

Research: A Queerplatonic relationship is defined as "a committed relationship that is neither romantic nor sexual in nature but is based on an emotional bond beyond friendship, often between aromantic and/or asexual people" (AVEN, General FAQ, Definitions). "A zucchini is a partner in a queerplatonic relationship. The commitment level between partners is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship, but with platonic love. Zucchinis may be of any romantic or sexual orientation" (AVENwiki).

Me: Thank you, darling. As you can see, it's entirely possible. In fact, it's so possible and has been felt and established by enough people that there are terms to describe the relationship we want. That's what we were looking for all these years, not some romantic relationship, much less a sexual one.

Anxiety: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've only proven sexuality is ace. Romance has been on board waiting for Prince to show up since day one. And we already agreed that Sexuality's orientation would be irrelevant to us in such a scenario as we would want him to be fully satisfied in the relationship.

Me: Romance hasn't actually been very vocal about her desires, she's been going along with whatever you and Research determined would be the best scenario. Again, let's pull up some memory files. First, there was her "crush," which she picked out for us much like one would pick out fruit at a stand, and is also a shared experience among other aromantics. We were never jealous of his relationship with our best friend or hurt by it, but instead helped them with arguments and were happy for them when they were happy. She shies away from any possible romantic partners under the guise of obeying our parents and religion when we all know full well we're stubborn and reckless enough that if we had ever desired such a relationship we would've acted on it by now. But we haven't.

Anxiety: Because no one has been worth the risk! We just haven't had the chance to meet the right person and it was never the right time before. We were too young.

Me: No one? When was the last time you saw Romance actually consider anyone as a potential partner?

Anxiety: That's because we're waiting for Prince, no one else is worth considering.

Me: That makes no sense and you know it. We can't find him if we never look. And Romance isn't interested enough to look in the first place. The fact of the matter is that she hasn't been active since we finally settled comfortably in our relationship. We might not use fancy terminology, but that's the nature of the bond we established with our best friend. The meaning we agreed upon for the relationship is the same as the one listed for queerplatonic relationships.

Anxiety: It's just too risky, it's irresponsible to put all your eggs in one basket like that. Friendships are fragile and fleeting-

Me: So is every other relationship. Friendships are not less than other bonds, they're equal and valid and they are what you make them. I believe in this one.

Anxiety: Fine. Don't listen to reason, whatever. But you might want to consider Love's needs and that certain aspects of our dreams would be off the table right off the bat if we went along with this madness, such as children and the home life we were so desperate to create one day. That's a dream you can't deny. You can't adopt children in a platonic relationship, so unless you plan on being a hypocrite and going out to have sex, praying not to catch an STD, and hoping to get pregnant that way, children would be completely off the table for us.

Me: First of all, it wouldn't be hypocritical, asexual people can have sex. But I do agree that that option is extremely unappealing all around. However, it wouldn't be as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Our motherly instincts can still be fulfilled if we add the found family element; we'd build a group of friends and mother them just like we used to. Love, how do you feel about that?

Love: I want children. We've always wanted children, I can't let go of that dream overnight. Mothering some friends isn't the same, I don't know if it'll be enough. I can agree to build new visions and scrap the old ones and incorporate Sexuality and Romance's identities, but you can't ever expect me to stop wanting children. I'm sorry.

Me: Don't be, it's who you are. Thank you for being so understanding. Research, what do you think?

Research: To be absolutely frank with you, I'm glad this is who we are. No husband to tie us down, fewer responsibilities, financial independence. It spells out a lot of opportunities to explore the world that we might not have had otherwise. And, no offense, Love, but children are expensive as hell. Our horizons just quadrupled without that financial and emotional burden. I vote yes.

*an awkward pause where Anxiety fumes on the side and refuses to say anything*

Me: .......Anxiety?

Anxiety: I'm the one who played the dreams. Are you happy now? You were right all along, and I was wrong. We're aro ace.

Me: I know.

Anxiety: *head snaps up* What?! You knew? How? And how long have you known? Why didn't you say anything?

Me: I think the meeting's done now, let's continue this privately. Love, Research, please act according to the council's decision and inform everyone of the verdict. Thank you. Anxiety, walk with me, darling.

Then.....

Sexuality blinks sleepy eyes open and looks around. Someone is by her bedside that she's only ever seen from afar. She tentatively lifts her hand and runs her fingers through Libido's hair. Her birthmate. What was she doing here? Libido stirs and murmurs something incoherent in her sleep before slowly opening her eyes to look back at Sexuality. Libido smiles softly.

Libido: You're finally awake. *jerks up frantically* Oh shit, you're awake! Oh my God, how're you feeling? Are you okay? Does anything hurt? Who do you want me to get for you? Do you want some water? Of course you want some water, what am I thinking-

Sexuality grabs Libido's sleeve as she makes to get up. Libido looks back, concerned and on the verge of panic. Sexuality shakes her head and tugs Libido back to her side.

Libido: Are you sure you don't want me to get you some food and water? You've been out of it for a while.

Sexuality shakes her head again and tugs Libido back down into her chair.

Libido: Okay, then. Um. Let's see, how do you usually communicate with Romance?

Sexuality: *gestures in sign language*

Libido: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I don't know any signs though. Do you want me to get Research? They might be able to translate. Actually, they'll know what to do about all of this and what you need and-

Sexuality grabs and squeezes Libido's hand and she falls silent. Sexuality smiles briefly and shuts her eyes.

Libido: Oh. You're tired, yeah, that makes sense, too. Sorry about all that. Go back to sleep, sweetie. I'll notify the others when you're ready.

It was a while later before Libido realized that Sexuality had been fully aware and responsive during those few minutes without throwing up. On top of that, she'd made contact with Libido without any noticeable harm befalling her. Sexuality was, at long last, fully recovered.

Meanwhile.....

I walk with Anxiety down to his room. It resembles a library, but instead of books, there are notebooks, each and every one of them filled to the brim with scribbles and half-finished thoughts.

Anxiety: Welcome to my lair, oh annoying one. Have a seat.

Me: I think we need to discuss why you're so against us being aro ace.

Anxiety: I already made it very clear-

Me: The real reason, Anxiety.

Anxiety glowers at me for a few minutes. I don't look away and he finally backs down grudgingly.

Anxiety: *sigh* Do you remember what we were like when we were a kid? What we thought of ourself?

Me: How can I forget? I was the brattiest, most arrogant child I've ever had the displeasure of having to think about.

Anxiety: *shakes his head* I mean before Prince, specifically. We were in a low place and we had accepted that we would die old, bitter, and alone. I just don't want us to go back to that again. It was devastating enough the first time around for all of us. At least like this, it would've only hurt Sexuality and Romance.

Me: Anxiety, listen to me. We are not who we were five years ago. That vision of the future was built on self-hatred and hopelessness, that's why it looked like a doomsday vision. This time we're rebuilding to take care of ourself and every aspect of who we are. We don't have to sacrifice Sexuality and Romance to be happy. We can just build a future that makes all of us happy by accommodating them too. We would've never been happy if we'd tried to suppress them.

Anxiety: *shakes his head stubbornly* We can revert right back to where we were, not enough has changed, not nearly enough. I've just collected more reasons to hate ourself since then, there's no guarantee it won't happen.

Me: *eyes sharp, trying to casually scan the notebooks* There is one thing we could always do..... If you'd allow us, I mean.

Anxiety: *torn between hope and trepidation* Like what exactly?

Me: Burn them.

Anxiety: *stands up and positions himself between me and the nearest shelf* Get out. Get out right now!

Me: *stays seated calmly with my eyes fixed on his* Only the notebooks where you write all our faults. The memories would all stay intact. All your other notebooks would stay exactly where they are. I'm only suggesting we let go of the guilt. Those notebooks are as old as I am, cataloging every tiny mistake we've ever made, every embarrassing thing we've ever done, every regret. You're absolutely right, we can't move forward until we've let go of all of that. We have to move forward, Anxiety. The council has come to a decision. Something has to give or we really might revert back to what we were before.

Anxiety: Then we would've learned nothing! Do you want to repeat all the mistakes we've made?

Me: A gentle reminder that you're the reason we made some of the more serious mistakes.

Anxiety: Don't you think I know that? That's why I refuse to let go of them. If we never forget, if we never stop regretting them and feeling guilty for them, then we'll make up for it and we'll never do those things again.

Me: Darling, that's ridiculous. You do realize that you've written down things as small as chopping the wrong vegetable by accident at our job, right? And the serious errors in judgment are almost all from our childhood, from years ago. We've grown, we've changed, and we're past that now. We can't stay this way forever, hating ourselves for every tiny inconvenience we've ever caused anyone. Please, Anxiety, we have to burn those notebooks.

Anxiety: No. You don't understand. We can't! No! *clutches at his head and his breathing becomes shallow and rapid* I can't. You can't. I can't.

Me: Anxiety? *gets up slowly* Are you okay?

Anxiety: No! We can't! We'll never be good enough. We'll never be happy. You can't erase the past. We're horrible, can't you see that? So horrible. Horrible. Horrible!

I notice a smoky shape formed behind Anxiety, whispering in his ear and grinning at me. The time for conversation is over. I carefully sidestep Anxiety who is too wrapped up in his sobbing to notice my movement and try to punch at the shadow. My hand goes right through it. Right, then. Those notebooks need to burn. Now. I step behind them slowly. The creature turns to watch me but continues whispering to Anxiety. I reach for a random notebook to test out the waters. No reaction besides a widening smirk. Good. I quickly scan through the notebooks until I find the section I need before looking up again. The shadow is still, watching me with a contemplative frown while Anxiety drops to hug his knees and hide his face as he cries. I collect the notebooks loosely in my arms, carefully noting how tense the shadow is getting. It stands between me and the door. I had a feeling it would find a way to stop me if it wanted to, smoke or not. I edge my way back to the table and set the notebooks down. The creature relaxes. I sit down and pretended to start reading one. After a few moments, it loses interest in me and goes back to tormenting Anxiety. It starts to whisper faster, progressively more aggressive. When it looks to be distracted enough, I grab the notebooks and run. I hear a shriek of anger not long after but it doesn't follow me. I run and run until I reach the common room and dump the notebooks on the floor.

Me: Research, get over here! I need lighter fuel! Love, if you could grab a lighter for me, that'd be great! Now!

They get up from the couch without a word and go about getting the requested items as I start tearing the notebooks apart. By the time they get back, I've torn haphazardly through the notebooks and stacked them in a hollow pyramid shape. Research douses them all and I give Love a handful of paper to light before I carefully place them under the rest and watch the fire spread. Anxiety rushes into the room with a much-faded version of the shadow I'd seen behind him, but by then even the topmost of the pyramid had caught fire. The creature shrieks and Anxiety faints into Research's arms.

Research: *sighs* I should've known something like this would happen. I'll take him to the infirmary.

Love: What just happened? Who's Research taking to the infirmary and what did we just set on fire?

Me: Don't worry, Love, everything's going to be okay now. C'mon, let's sit down and I'll tell you everything.

Then.....

Romance jerks awake gasping and clutching at her neck and chest and starts coughing. Sensuality rushes into her room and gives her a crushing hug.

Sensuality: You're alive! You're awake! Oh thank God, I won't be left with just Aesthetic for company!

Aesthetic: Hey! I can hear you, you know. And good grief, get off her before you really kill her. Welcome back, Romance. How're you feeling?

Romance: *gestures for water*

Sensuality: I got you, just a second. *runs out of the room*

Aesthetic: *hands Romance her board and marker* Figured you'd have a lot to say after being out of it for so long. Wanna elaborate on the whole "help Anxiety" message you left? Cause it really didn't help, for the record. What'd you want us to do, tie you and Sexuality up and dump you in the basement for him?

Romance rolls her eyes as Sensuality comes back in and accepts a glass of water with a quick nod of thanks. She downs the whole glass in three giant gulps and sets it down before relaxing back against her pillows a bit. She starts writing.

You're both idiots, for the record. I bet you didn't even try to figure out what I meant, just sat around worrying as usual. It's alright, someone must've figured it out since I'm awake now. We'll all hear the story in detail, I'm sure. Right now, though, I'd much rather discuss Sexuality. Is she okay?

Sensuality: Well......I mean, she's definitely safe now, we made sure of it, right Aesthetic?

Aesthetic: *nods her head with a smile* Don't worry, Romance, we took care of our little sister. She's safe.

Romance: *relaxes a bit more*

Good. At least you did something right. Who's guarding her? Libido, right?

Sensuality: *shocked* Yeah, actually, how'd you know? I thought you'd be upset.

Romance: *smiles* *writes*

They were never meant to be apart. They're different, but they're still birthmates. You know how strong that bond is. They'll figure it out. They just need time. We all do.

[my-nameless-bliss]

Hi Nykeigh! I've read a lot of the advice you have been giving people and noticed how great and sweet you are. I'm sending you this on anon because I'm a coward and this is like a pretty embarrassing/sensitive subject. Feel free to ignore this if you feel uncomfortable. Also this will probably be very long so I apologize for that. Anyways- to the subject. I'm 18 years old and I've never been really attracted to anyone, ever. Never been in love or kissed someone. 1/3

A couple of days ago I talked with my best friend abt sex and love and stuff and she talked abt how she felt guilty for fantasizing in a sexual way abt her sister’s ex along with other things. And that’s when I kinda realized that I have never done that?? Like ever?? I don’t feel very much when I see good looking people half naked like everybody else seems to do. But at the same time, I can’t wait to meet someone, fall in love and have sex so it makes no sense? 2/3

I even masturbate from time to time but I don’t really think abt someone or something? Okay I might have stepped over the line with this so as I said feel free to ignore this. Sorry, I’m just so confused by this. Have a great day/night! 3/3

Hi, anon! You definitely don’t have to apologize for sending me this, or for wanting to do it anonymously. I know how difficult it can be to bring up topics like this. But I’m so glad that you felt like you could ask me! Believe me, this is exactly the kind of stuff I dealt with when I was trying to figure out my sexuality, so I’m always happy to talk with people about this sort of thing, especially if it can help you in any way.

So the good news is that what you’re feeling is totally normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the things you’re trying to work through, and there’s also nothing wrong with being confused or overwhelmed by trying to figure it all out. 

When I was your age, I felt the exact same way. I had never felt anything that I could identify as sexual attraction, and I was physically incapable of fantasizing about anyone in a sexual capacity - whether it was a celebrity, or someone I liked, or a fictional character, or even my own boyfriend. But I was very much in love, and I enjoyed sex strictly in the context of my actual relationship. 

After a couple years of wondering why my experience with sexual attraction was so limited to the person I was with, someone taught me about demisexuality, and I realized that it was a perfect descriptor of what I was feeling. The only interest I had in sex was in the loving relationship I’d already established. I didn’t feel any sexual attraction outside of it, and trying to fantasize about anything left me anywhere from completely unaroused to physically uncomfortable. Demisexuality described everything so well for me, and that’s how I identified for several years (I’ve since realized that I’m actually completely asexual). From what you’re describing, I think you might be interested in looking up some more about demisexuality, in case that’s a label that resonates with you.

You don’t have to feel sexually attracted to anyone you see, whether they’re a celebrity or someone you know. You don’t have to fantasize about anyone - even if you enjoy masturbating. You don’t have to experience sexual attraction. It’s not a requirement, and it’s not something everyone is guaranteed to feel. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. 

And also, there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way, but still wanting to fall in love and have sex someday. You don’t have to want sex right now to want it at some point in the future. Even if you identify as asexual, there’s still nothing wrong with wanting a sexual relationship at some point. Some people fall in love, and decide to have sex as a physical expression of their relationship. Some people fall in love, and have sex because they experience sexual attraction and they enjoy sex. And some people fall in love, and never have sex. And that’s all okay. As long as you’re happy, and you’re safe, and you communicate with your partner, there’s no right or wrong way to deal with sex in a relationship. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with only wanting sex in a relationship. If you know you eventually want to have sex when you fall in love with someone, that’s awesome, and it doesn’t have to have any impact on how you feel about sex now.

And I know you didn’t really bring up specific labels in your ask, but I just want to specify one important point: labels are for you, no one else. If you feel comfortable how you are, without having to put any specific words to it, that’s awesome. If you feel comfortable finding a label that best describes you, that’s also awesome! Don’t feel like you need to label yourself to validate your feelings. Your feelings are valid, regardless of whether you want to define them. Use labels for your benefit, however makes you the most comfortable.

And lastly, I just want to say that your feelings are always valid, whether they’re easy to understand, or complicated, and whether they always stay like this, or if they change over time. As long as you can understand and accept yourself right now, you are totally fine. You don’t have to worry about how the future might affect your feelings or the way you choose to define yourself in the present. Now is what matters, and you are what matters. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, or the way you’re feeling, anon. I’ve been through this exact same thing myself, and while it was difficult at times, I’ve come to accept my identity, and be comfortable with myself. I hope you can do the same. Please remember that I am always here if you want to talk, or vent, or if you’re looking for more advice, or just some support and love. 💜✨💜

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #8- “people are going to be blindsided and i'm people”- Vincent

Holy guacamole I feel terrible. On one end I have four people who decided to work together and on the other end are people they told I wanted out. I am at a bit of a loss here but I always like a challenge! I'm gonna go finish my thinking, see if it sticks, and go then voice it!

wow how am i even still here because of my strong social connections! just 7ish tribals until the end! that's so much...i have no idea what's about to happen over the next few weeks except that people are going to be blindsided and i'm people a big part of my pitch to rizo and chris was that cheatham is a threat and he needs to go...which is why now that we're all together i'm in an alliance with all of them, as well as austin and noah. this six is absolutely not going to stick together but i'm in the middle so when it falls i'm not taking the hit! annmarie and liam are cool as well, so ideally the merge vote is between sara and kyle. for me i would ideally keep kyle bc he seems less likely to try and blow up the game in a way which is bad for me, like i feel like he may help me down the line. so i'm going to try to push for that. however, neither annmarie or liam are worth saving at this time so if either of their names come up i'm going along with it this is the first time i've merged in nearly a year and i'm ready to overplay and flop!

Right now Im in an alliance with...Austin, Noah, Rizo, Vincent, and Cheatham by the name of Bottom Feeders. Tbh its just irony at this poiint I am going to end up working with people I wanted out but hey that's Survivor!

(LATER)

My plan of action is to talk with Kyle, consider having a aide alliance with him and Rizo where we get AM/Sara/Liam out and then have BF target Cheatham and/or Noah or whoever in F8/F7..stay tuned!

(EVEN LATER)

Mark my words, this week is going to expose Austin! He has Liam/AM/Sara wanting him and then Bottom Feeders so no matter how this immunity goes and tribal, he will be seen sketchy to somebody.

Wow, So last week I decided what was going on bc i have the idol. If Gwen knew how to stop talking then maybe i would’ve. ANYWAYS, this week. So I got put in three alliances. Big Time Thrush (which I was already in from pre merge) which consists of Me, Noah, Austin, and Vincent. Then there is Bottom Feeders, consisting of Me, Noah, Austin, Vincent, Rizo, Chris. Basically Rizo and Chris made that bc they are on the bottom. I don’t trust it at all. Finally, the one that i’m actually sticking with, is The Frock Destroyers, which consists of Me, Noah, Liam, Austin, Ann Marie, and Sara.... JK i’m not working with that. There is a secret 4th alliance that is the same as the last one but without Noah. I know Noah is probably reading this. Basically, I don’t like the way he talks to me. Outside of the game, I would LOVE to stay friends with Noah bc i’m sure he is a great person. INSIDE the game however, i do not appreciate when someone tells me to shut up, calls me an idiot, or tells me i’m stupid. That is NOT okay. He never listens to my ideas and he acts like this idol, is his. This idol is mine PERIOD. I was his puppet early on because i was so busy with life shit. But now i’m realizing the way he is treating me/ using me. And revenge is gonna be awesome.

Ugh....this is like trying to choose which puppy is cuter when both are identical!! It doesn't WERK! Fricken the only people I really trust fully is AnnMarie and Liam but we can't get on the same damn page. AnnMarie leans more towards Rizo/Chris/Kyle but I have DEALT with them and I know how they are. And it's been confirmed that Kyle won't split from Rizo...he said it on call that they're tight. I like Kyle...don't get me wrong...but he leaks EVERYTHING (so do I...but that's different, right?) and twists and turns things. Yes, working with OG Thrush is risky AF, but so is working against the idol and with a [new] trio, some of which have ALREADY voted for you. I mean...I've done this before where I completely flip on my old 'tribe' to work with the other side and I've won...so it isn't impossible. I also generally just don't click with the other side (as in Chris/Kyle/Rizo) as well as I do with the noobs....so even if they are tight....I'm either on the bottom of the original Petrel or the original Thrush. Noah fence....but I like Thrush better and would rather lose to them than Petrel. And that's just the way it is!

So we gave Sara immunity, I want to use it as strategy to possibly have her like me again but we will see if it works. As far everything else, Austin wants Kyle/Rizo gone. I dont know where it leaves me in his ideal pecking order but Im not waiting around long enough to ask.

(LATER)

Nah, Im not accepting this. Im not waiting for Rizo to be voted out to make mends either. Im gonna get this Petrel chat going and maybe it is the one thing that can save him and me. Im not putting all my eggs into the Bottom Feeders basket just yet and sure as heck am not a out to welcome myself to the bottom of the barrel so easily

Wow...a lot has happened. My alliance with Cheatham, Noah, and Austin supposedly merged with Chris and Rizo to create a super alliance. Guess how long that lasted? As far as I can tell, Noah is targeting Austin but tried setting it up to ensure Chris and Rizo take the fall, using information I gave him (not necessarily important info, but something which incriminates Chris/Rizo which I only told him). Austin heard about this, of course, because he's just so good at this game and everyone is gravitating towards him. I've been completely honest with him, so hopefully he has been with me. Originally the vote was supposed to be Rizo, with myself, Austin, Cheatham, Liam, AnnMarie, and Sara on board. This is why Rizo got vote against him at the challenge. However, Rizo has never targeted me personally. Comparing that to Noah, who I have heard from multiple sources was hoping that I was going to be voted out last round, voting to ensure this happened, and it was clear to me that Noah was the bigger threat to my game. Additionally, Cheatham told me things about how condescending Noah would be with him, so at that point I felt like I had to change the vote. Cheatham was on board with it, and I told Austin as well. Liam, Sara, and AnnMarie don't know (as far as I know) as of when I wrote this, but I really don't see a reason as to why they'd not want to vote Noah. After this, it's 9. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, just to see how the dynamic is structured to truly figure out whether or not Noah is the best move for me. Liam-AM-Sara are essentially a trio, and they're all good with me bc I voted with them and included them all Chris-Rizo will be an even tighter duo, with Kyle as their auxiliary, and they'll all hate me. However, because I pushed the vote off Rizo (which is evidenced by the fact he got the vote at the challenge), I don't think it's fair to say that I ruined these relationships beyond repair, which I would have if Rizo left. Austin is still the most powerful guy in the room, but he's a powerful guy who fully trusts me. Cheatham has the idol, so keeping him on my good side is essential. To be honest, earlier flushing the idol was my top priority, but now I would not mind if he kept the idol for the rest of the game. Doesn't hurt my game, and as long as Austin is here, why would he take a shot at me? So I think it's fair to say that, based on my current understanding of the dynamic, I am making the best move for my game.

Im gradually realizing Cheatham is the answer. We majorly messed up by not giving him immunity and now I want to talk to him to fix it. Rizo doesnt want me to with fear that it could ruin things but like I cant just sit here and do nothing. He doesnt wanna talk to Austin, Austin doesnt want to talk to him, OG Petrel doesnt want to talk to us, and so really this boils down to us needing to persuade Cheatham. I dont feel right if I dont talk to explain how bad of a decision it was and I'll work to fix it but for now Im just gonna do what Rizo says and wait

Merge !! Wohoo this is where the game starts and I must say I’m playing hard. And it’s starting to backfire. Chris not voting AM out our first Petrel tribal really fucked me because it showed where I lied. I was trying to play both sides and unfortunately it’s biting me in the ass. It’s crazy cuz austin is doing the same thing but it’s working for him. I got last in the challenge because my name is being mentioned and the next target. Austin is clearly the snake and I can’t say I’m mad good for him but he is someone I need out. He mentioned my name to Kyle and with a vote on me already I’m assuming I have 5 votes to my name going into tribal. I know I have Chris and Kyle on board to vote with me. Noah is next to go so he is down to vote with me and I saved Vincent so why wouldn’t he vote me. That leaves 5-5 with cheatham being the swing. I’m trying to convince him that I got his back and I truly do he is a power player With that idol and is a great shield. He is upset he wasent granted immunity by our alliance and that is a valid reason but I don’t want that to cost me my game. Cheatham says he is going to try to take the target off my back but I really want him to vote austin out with Us to make it 6-5 blindside. It would be iconic to get out a big player like austin who is playing a Rob C type of game. It just sucks cuz if I go Kyle and Chris my go too guys are next and austin will steamroll you the end. If it’s my time I played the game how I wanted to play. I’m not going to quit until my torch is snuffed but looking at it now, I have a big uphill battle but if I can pull this off, it goes down in the history books.

(LATER)

Oh shit coming back to you with some great? News. Cheatham and austin came to me stating that they will save me and they want Noah out? Is that what I want? NOPE! Will I do that to stay in the game ? YESSIR! Obviously I want noah to stay cuz he is a shield for me and seems to want to work with me but cheatham says Noah has treated him like shit and austin dislikes him. At this rate I have to lay low and just let austin and cheatham make the move to save me. I’ll tell Chris to vote noah and make sure as much votes go to noah as possible. After noah leaves I can regroup and think of a strategy but tonight the goal is to survive no matter who goes besides Chris and Kyle. I need us 3 to stick together to have a chance. But I might have some life in this game !

Am I a mess for telling Cheatham Bottom Halfs votes in the challenge? Yes. But if it keeps him more likely to want Rizo in then I'll take the consequences

SOOO. OH BOY. I'm in a pretty good alliance with Sara, Liam, cheatham, and Austin. We are all working together against everyone else. I like the comfort, but it's clear that it won't last for long. Apparently Austin is working both sides, and it's just veryyyy frustrating not knowing if there's another plan you're not a part of. I'm doing pretty good developing the trust I have with others, and I'm happy with how I'm doing right now. I want to nap.

So much has happened! So glad that Gwen's elimination went to plan and even ended up unanimous against her, she would've been even more scary in this merge. I've been taking a deliberate backseat in this past challenge because it's messy as fuck & I'd rather everyone else take the heat at the end of the day, I've not heard my name at all & both sides are speaking to me decently regularly so I don't feel in danger at all tonight. I'm hoping the votes to get Rizo eliminated are there because as much as I like the guy he rarely speaks to me & I'm not keeping around people who refuse to speak to me, enjoy ponderosa!

As of now I think the Noah votes over. Noah conveniently is told and only 4 people knew it. So it tells me that Cheatham/Austin probably planned to set us up or something. So now I just want to get Austin to own up to things...which is unlikely

Fuck Kyle lmao chatting shit at tribal with his fake woke bullshit, I'm so over this tribal & I can't wait for it to be over so we can move on and get the rest of this game underway because there's so many more angles I wanna explore & I need the people I know I can't work with on the jury.

9 votes Rizo, 2 votes Austin.