askanonbinary

[askanonbinary]

Hey, im looking to understand more about non binary people. I am strongly feminist and support equal rights etc, but im stuggling with understanding an aspect of people being non binary. What is the difference between being able to present and exist freely in any way one wants, while still being male or female, and being non binary?

I have been wondering if it is the standards and expectations of each gender that is too limiting, making people feel like they have to break out of the gender to be the way they want. It seems i might get pushback on this, which is okay. But i wonder what the difference is between being a man or woman who dresses and acts in any way they like, and a non binary person?

The one worry i have about the internet "culture" of different and specific gender labels is that especially girls who dont feel like they fit in society's very limiting definition of "girl" will remove themselves from the gender rather than be a part of widening the definition.

Could you give me your thoughts on these things?

So I went and looked at your blog and you seem like a normal person, rather than a bigot, so I'm going to take this earnestly and introduce you to what I call "Dome Theory."

Okay, so think about gender in two parts. There’s what is called the “activity of gender” and there’s what is called the “feeling of gender.” The activity of gender would be your participation in things like masculinity and femininity. So as a woman, wearing makeup or dresses. As a man, enjoying sports and physical tasks. This is really limiting, you're right. And when people come up against the limits of it, that might send them to question the feeling of gender. The feeling of gender is a little more complicated though. Because you can feel like your gender for a number of reasons, most of which will be hard to put into words… but you don’t have to participate in the acts that correspond with your gender to feel that.  So you don’t have to be feminine to be a woman or masculine to be a man. Which is a space a lot of people find themselves in when they question, rather than deciding they don't feel like a woman.

I think understanding what I mean, though, requires a bit of understanding of what it means to "feel" your gender. So to explain, I like to go with a metaphor I call “the domes.”  So you know how in the Hunger Games, the games are based in these domes that have their own geography, ecosystems, climate, terrain separate from The Capitol outside?  Well imagine that like gender.  

So for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to focus on men and women and I’m going to reduce the action of gender to one behavior. Just know it’s obviously a tad more complicated. So there are these two domes that have different geography, ecosystems, climate, and terrain based on the action of doing that gender. So let’s say women swim and men climb trees.  So the “woman” dome would have lots of water and docks and you learn to swim. It would be warm so that swimming is comfortable… that kind of stuff. Now, you could be good, bad, or mediocre at swimming (being feminine)… but if you feel like you belong there, that’s your gender.  The feeling of gender is how you feel about being placed in that dome.  A cis woman would be put into this dome as a baby and she wouldn’t feel wrong about being placed there… so she grew up learning to swim and didn’t feel bad or wrong about the climate or geography or terrain of your dome… It didn’t feel *wrong* to her.  That’s how she got her feeling of gender. But let’s say there'a a trans guy.. He would have been placed in the same “women’s” dome with her when he was a baby but he felt off about it. 

Say perhaps he wasn’t good at swimming. Or maybe he was but he just didn’t like it. Or maybe it wasn’t the swimming that bothered him, it just felt too hot in there. Or maybe it was something else.  Whatever it was, he looked outside of the dome and saw a dome right next to him where people climbed trees to get around. They swung on ropes to get from tree to tree and it looked so cool!  

They built houses and stores up in the trees.  There was water to drink and use, but not many people swam in it too much. the forest was dense and beautiful. He decided to take a trip over there and try out that dome. The second he walked in, it felt like home. He could be good, bad, mediocre at climbing tress, he could still swim… but for the most part, that dome just felt like home to him. It felt right. He felt off about being put in the woman’s dome, so he went looking for another place to be. 

Now, for nonbinary people, there are an infinite number of possibilities for domes. Your dome could be about any one thing, it could be about 3 things and really niche, it could change, you could just be out in the open. That's me, I made my own way in a non-binary open space. But we could have so many different domes for those of us who aren't in the man dome or the woman dome. And this, I hope illustrates what takes place in the questioning phase and how someone could find they don't fit in the very small bit of femininity/womanhood, which might lead them to question... but that isn't what the identity of nonbinary rests on.

Does that make sense? Do you have any follow up questions? I encourage discussion

-Mod Zoe Leo

[askanonbinary]

do you have any older examples of people playing around with pronouns (gender neutral or otherwise) in a queer way? most stuff I'm finding on my own is all mid to late 20th century :')

I think I have the perfect story for you! That of Zinaida Gippius, here is a quote from their article:

"A Russian poet, their discussion of their own identity is held within the culture and understandings of the Russian language. This is particularly relevant in the Russian language's use of grammatical gender, which is something that the English language is unable to capture in any meaningful way. Within their poetry, Gippius made a point to switch back and forth between masculine and feminine gendering, leaning towards the masculine. In the study of their poetry, this has been demonstrated for English readers through coloured text, with one colour used to indicate when they are using feminine gendering and another for masculine."

It was an interesting article to write, as there was a legitimate reason to use he/him/his pronouns, she/her/hers, and they/them/theirs, so we used all three.

Here are some interesting quotes about gender from them:

"The bodily differences between an actual man and an actual woman are important, of course. The body here should be viewed as a sign of the predominance in a given human being of the [Female] or [Male] principle […] the body itself is not integrally reflective of the [Male] or [Female] principle and, second, the body does not determine personality."

"I do not desire exclusive femininity, just as I do not desire exclusive masculinity. Each time someone is insulted and dissatisfied within me; with women, my femininity is active, with men-my masculinity! In my thoughts, my desires, in my spirit-I am more a man; in my body-I am more a woman. Yet they are so fused together that I know not."

"Thus, in all the tangled threads of reality—in all its minutiae, errors, and nuances—one may uncover the selfsame effectual Principles [pure masculine and feminine]: separated and conjoinable, conjoined and separable."

[askanonbinary]

Hiya! Do you have any advice on not misgendering yourself (out loud and in your head)? I recently came out as agender, I come from a very suburban area where nb wasn’t really a thing, I’m also kinda old to be figuring this out. But I still constantly accidentally refer to myself as a girl and recently some assholes I work with have used this as an excuse to misgender me maliciously. I feel like it’s automatic to just call myself a girl or woman. Somehow it’s easier to remember my friends genders than mine LOL. Any tips? Thanksss

Practice by talking about yourself out loud. just walk around and narrate what you're doing in the third person. say your pronouns whenever you can.

If you hear others routinely misgender you, it gets easier to misgender yourself because you are used to responding to it. so you're used to hearing it and thinking of yourself. so the best way to ameliorate that is to hear it spoken out loud correctly more than you hear it incorrectly. which sometimes means you're going to have to do it yourself!

[askanonbinary]

I'm looking to find a set of neopronouns that give off masculine vibes but are still androgynous. I like my current pronouns set, but I feel something is missing. I want to express more masculine aspects but he/him just isn't for me. I've looked through many neo pronouns lists but nothing seems right to me.

For context I currently use: Ze/Hir, They/Them pronouns

I'm Trans Non-Binary Demi-Girl, but wish to be precieved androgynously, with femme aspects. I hope that makes sense??? I want some masculine aspects tho

Have you tried something conjugated like he/him? like xe/xem (xe/xem/xir/xemself)? That might give a little bit more of a masculine feeling to it because it conjugates in a way we're more used to thinking about as masculine?

Mod Zoe Leo

[askanonbinary]

Hi, I'm the anon who sent the ask about being a lesbian and not knowing if I'm a demigirl or nb.

I just came to say that I discovered myself nb, and thanks to your blog too!

Thanks!! 🫂🫂

; that's amazing to hear, anon !! Really glad we helped you, and that you've discovered that. :]

- Mod Xela

[askanonbinary]

let it be a phase! let people explore labels! it's a lot of fun! we did not evolve to become static identities!

[askanonbinary]

This might seem strange but does nonbinary fall under the trans umbrella

; not strange at all ! And to answer the question, yes, it does fall under the trans umbrella ! Though it's important to note not every non-binary person does identify as trans.

- Mod xela

[askanonbinary]

Hello, I wanted to ask for help with a question.

I'm a lesbian and I identify as a demigirl, but I wonder if I'm nonbinary. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even 1% a girl, but sometimes I think at least some % I am? I don't feel comfortable with pronouns other than she/her, but I feel dysphoric sometimes, especially because I've seen some comments about lesbians not being non-binary and that made me upset.

I hope I haven't bothered you or made you uncomfortable.

Have a good day ^^

; hey, thanks for sending this in, no bother at all and I apologize for the wait !! Obviously your identity is what you feel most comfortable with, but might I suggest looking at a label like Girlflux ?? A bit from the wiki link I gave describes Girlflux as:

" feeling strongly feminine sometimes and weakly feminine at other times. Girlflux people can fluctuate from feeling completely without gender (agender) to completely feminine or female. In between those extremes, one may feel slightly feminine (librafeminine), to half feminine (demigirl), to mostly feminine (paragirl), or any other amount of femininity. "

; I recommend reading the whole thing as this could apply to you, based on your description. Of course, if nonbinary is the label you'd prefer then go ahead !! But there are many many labels to choose from, if you want one more specific or if you want something more broad, there will be something for you !!

; lastly feel free to ignore those who say lesbians have to be 100% women ( or even woman-aligned and whatnot ), it's an uneducated take && denies historical factors + denies the existence of a large portion of lesbians who are around today. So don't worry, you can be a lesbian and nonbinary ( or girlflux, etc, whatever label you end up using !! )

- Mod Xela

[askanonbinary]

Hi, so I think I might be non binary, but im really confused. When I was younger, I sort of had this image for myself, I wanted to be a woman, with a man, and have kids, but now that I think about it, it never really felt right, I think I just wanted to fit in with society, I didn't really like anyone and barely even knew what gender was back then, and didn't know being queer was a thing. I mean i still dont properly tbh. Also what the heck even is gender, because, I mean, I don't feel right being a girl or a guy, and I know i feel more comfortable being a girl (I am afab) but at the same time being a girl doesn't feel right either. Like almost I prefer presenting as more stereotypically masculine but I prefer more feminine terms, like pretty etc, but my gender feels neutral. Is that valid? I mean i still prefer to be more girlish, so am i just faking it? Or maybe i dont prefer to be considered as a girl but ive just always been seen as one and i live in a cis and heteronormative society, and im only trying to be female so i fit in? I mean, i don't even know why I feel more gender neutral, considering I don't really even understand what classifies you as a certain gender. Also i don't like guys I don't think, I think I just used to think I liked them because I identify with them more, but then my first 'girl crush' turns out to be genderfluid/non binary, but I still like them, so how does that actually work. Like I don't really get how some genders don't feel attractive to me but others do? How do I not like men but like basically anyone else? And how do I even go about being queer, or figuring stuff out, or just maybe even acting more comfortably with my gender, im so confused? Im sorry if that sounds weird, I'm only recently discovering I'm queer, and don't really know how to go about it, plus my family aren't very understanding and I dont have many queer people around me that I can ask for advice, all the other queer people I know are only starting to figure it out too, I have no idea what or who I am yet, is that valid?

; well firstly I'd like to say you're going to feel confused for a while, because this is a new and confusing process. Often when someone grows up in a world with desires and expecations set by others ( get married, have kids, etc like you mentioned ) plus the additional how you should be / act ( be cis, be straight, etc, ), it's really confusing to then realize you don't fit into these very restricting boxes. And so genuinely, don't feel bad for being confused and for being complicated. Those are probably the most " normal " ( as in, common ) things you could be really. Difference is the most common thing there is, so don't stress that you don't fit into one or two neat little boxes ! No one really does do they

; secondly, how you feel about your gender vs how you like being referred to & expressing yourself are all three separate things, sometimes they're similar sometimes not. But if you feel neutral, but prefer feminine terms while also wish to present masculinely, then that's okay ! You're okay to be that and to feel that, totally okay. ( also side note: what " classifies " you as a certain gender is whether or not you want to be classified as that gender, simply speaking. You want to be nonbianry ? You're nonbinary. Want to be a girl ? You're a girl. Want to be a mix of both or three or four ? Then you're that ! And everyone is going to be nonbinary, etc, a little differently. There's similarities and common experiences but it's your identity, so it's going to be specific to you !! )

; thirdly, when realizing you're nonbinary ( and / or when beginning to question your gender at all ) often orientation comes after, and vice versa. ( I know that the moment I found out liking people other than men was an option, I wondered if being a man was an option too and then it simply took off from there and now I'm where I am today: just as confused as I was before much more confident that even if I don't always have the right label, I'm comfortable being me in whatever phase " me " is that day or even that minute, and if that changes then it changes ! ) So if you right now don't feel attraction to men, you don't feel attraction to men ! And I get it, knowing " why " or " how " you like one gender but not the other is confusing, especially with how diverse gender is in the first place. But just, trust that you know what you want, and stick to that while navigating all these terms and experiences !! You'll get through the initial panic, don't worry.

; and fourthly, it's not weird or anything: this is literally the place to ask questions about these sorts of things, and if anyone is going to understand your experiences even just a little it's going to be the people who went through / are going through them too. So no worries about that !! And if the people you're asking questions from answer back with a question themselves, you can find the answers together.

; and lastly: you're valid, your identity is so valid and it has been forever. No matter how confusing or complicated or different it is, it's valid. Even if you never 100% find a label / labels that describe you fully, you're still valid ! And your identity sure as heck is real, I mean it's your identity and it's right there. Seems real and valid enough to me no ?

; good luck figuring out your identity and everything else, and I wish you luck on being confused !! :]

- Mod Xela

[askanonbinary]

I'm getting married. I have someone in my wedding party and they currently use she/her pronouns. they're one of my 'groomsman'. I'd like to respectfully ask how they'd like to be listed. this is what I came up with

" We’re putting together our wedding website and I just wanted to double check how you’d like to be listed, if you like ‘Groomsman’ or if you’d prefer another title like ‘Groomswoman’ or ‘Groomsperson’?

is this ok? is there a better way to ask?

; that looks great, straight to the point and respectful ! I'm sure she will appreciate your consideration. Additionally, congratulations and I hope the wedding goes well !!

- Mod Xela

[askanonbinary]

Hi!!

I'm a writer and I'm trying to write my first book. One of my main chracters will be non binary and even tho I have made reserch on how to write enby characters, I feel like asking a nb person would also be great for learning.

So what I would like to know is pretty much if there's something that authors in general are misrepresenting about the community, some traits that nb people would love to see more in the media and other that you hate, because they are harmful or just plain and boring... that kind of stuff. I want to make a character for enby people to feel seen and represented, and I don't want to perpetrate any stereotypes.

Also, I'm a big fan of your blog, I really admire what you do!! thank you very much in advance :))

; hey !! Thanks for sending this in, props to you for actually asking questions to the people you're writing about, that's definitely the first step to writing a good and properly represented character.

; I think the most important thing is being non-binary is definitely a hugely personal thing, so don't just stop here ! Ask others, look around, maybe make posts asking for peoples experiences and their opinions too. ( any non-binary people reading this, feel free to add to this in the reblogs or comments ! ) But some main things that I, personally, think are important are:

They're ALWAYS androgynous

; and by androgynous I mean they have short hair, were AFAB and wear masculine clothing. Which, nothing wrong with doing / being so ! But it can be disheartening to only see non-binary people represented as such. So my biggest recommendation would be to really experiment with their identity, it doesn't necessarily have to be " complex " but ask yourself why one thing is complex, and why one thing is " normal " !! Non-binary people don't have a single normal look, and not all of us are even the most common idea of androgynous. Even then, everyone experiences androgyny a little if not a lot differently. Some enbies have beards, wear dresses, don't bind, don't " look non-binary " etc and still consider themselves androgynous !! We're people, we're different, don't be afraid to really branch out with your character.

they're known as The Nonbinary Character and only that

; just like any character you're creating, it's important not to get stuck on a single trait and make that their only noticeable trait. Especially with something like this, it's crucial to really give them personality and purpose to the story, don't make them simply The Enby. It's seen a lot with things like The Gay Bestfriend and all, their queer identity is their only defining trait and they end up, purposefully or not, simply being there for diversity points and truly being a terribly harmfully stereotypical and boring character. And even if it's not their only trait, it ends up being a really important part of them. Which is good and can be great representation .. But if them being nonbinary really doesn't effect the story or their character arc, there is no reason to force it into being that way. Their identity doesn't have to be a huge deal and certainly doesn't have to greatly negatively effect the story. ( See: people adding transphobia into fantasy worlds for seemingly no reason but just to have transphobia )

give them euphoria !!

; obviously I don't know your story, but something I see a lot in honestly any book with nonbinary characters ( especially ones centered around said identity ) is it's always doom and gloom, there's never really much positivity around the persons identity. Which can be good for story building, but being non-binary doesn't have to be a purely negative experience. It really never commonly is ! It's in most cases freeing and positive and opens doors to many more great experiences. Whether you make it a huge deal or not, don't be shy on adding some positive things relating to their identity !! Make them happy and proud to be nonbinary !! If they come out in the story, make it good and really describe the joy that comes from it. Small things like being happy when people use their pronouns, feeling euphoric from getting a new clothing item, being obviously comfortable with certain people and showing it through things like jokes about their identity, etc.

stereotypical people are still people

; obviously it's important to push away from harmful stereotypes, or excluding ones, but !! They can be positive, or could be inside jokes among communities that'll really make the character that little more relatable. And as much as stereotypes are bad in cases when pushed from negative and tainted views by " outsiders ", there can be ones based in general ( grain of salt ) truth. Or are sometimes from the community. So the best way to go about it while not playing into stereotypes fully is to, in my opinion, mix stereotypes and experiences. Find experiences from people who have had similar(ish) things happen to them, to your characters plot and see how they go through life with their identity, include common and include " obscure " traits !!

; again as I said before, make them a complicated character with multiple traits and sides and history, etc. It'll make them 10 times more relatable than just picking one common stereotype and pasting it into your world. ( things like hand gestures, how we sit, our mannerisms in speaking, etc. Not necessarily harmful but still technically stereotypical. Personally I find them funny and relatable, others may not !! And that's okay !! You could even find character specific stereotypes, look for positively represented nonbinary characters who share things with your character and maybe consider incorporating those things ! )

; and that's just four relatively vague points, coming from just one single person who has not in fact written a book + does not speak for every enby ever, so I really do encourage you to get opinions from others and really remember we're all very different and unique people, so your character can be different and unique too. Good luck on making your character and your book !!

- Mod Xela

[askanonbinary]

Hi!!

I'm a writer and I'm trying to write my first book. One of my main chracters will be non binary and even tho I have made reserch on how to write enby characters, I feel like asking a nb person would also be great for learning.

So what I would like to know is pretty much if there's something that authors in general are misrepresenting about the community, some traits that nb people would love to see more in the media and other that you hate, because they are harmful or just plain and boring... that kind of stuff. I want to make a character for enby people to feel seen and represented, and I don't want to perpetrate any stereotypes.

Also, I'm a big fan of your blog, I really admire what you do!! thank you very much in advance :))

; hey !! Thanks for sending this in, props to you for actually asking questions to the people you're writing about, that's definitely the first step to writing a good and properly represented character.

; I think the most important thing is being non-binary is definitely a hugely personal thing, so don't just stop here ! Ask others, look around, maybe make posts asking for peoples experiences and their opinions too. ( any non-binary people reading this, feel free to add to this in the reblogs or comments ! ) But some main things that I, personally, think are important are:

They're ALWAYS androgynous

; and by androgynous I mean they have short hair, were AFAB and wear masculine clothing. Which, nothing wrong with doing / being so ! But it can be disheartening to only see non-binary people represented as such. So my biggest recommendation would be to really experiment with their identity, it doesn't necessarily have to be " complex " but ask yourself why one thing is complex, and why one thing is " normal " !! Non-binary people don't have a single normal look, and not all of us are even the most common idea of androgynous. Even then, everyone experiences androgyny a little if not a lot differently. Some enbies have beards, wear dresses, don't bind, don't " look non-binary " etc and still consider themselves androgynous !! We're people, we're different, don't be afraid to really branch out with your character.

they're known as The Nonbinary Character and only that

; just like any character you're creating, it's important not to get stuck on a single trait and make that their only noticeable trait. Especially with something like this, it's crucial to really give them personality and purpose to the story, don't make them simply The Enby. It's seen a lot with things like The Gay Bestfriend and all, their queer identity is their only defining trait and they end up, purposefully or not, simply being there for diversity points and truly being a terribly harmfully stereotypical and boring character. And even if it's not their only trait, it ends up being a really important part of them. Which is good and can be great representation .. But if them being nonbinary really doesn't effect the story or their character arc, there is no reason to force it into being that way. Their identity doesn't have to be a huge deal and certainly doesn't have to greatly negatively effect the story. ( See: people adding transphobia into fantasy worlds for seemingly no reason but just to have transphobia )

give them euphoria !!

; obviously I don't know your story, but something I see a lot in honestly any book with nonbinary characters ( especially ones centered around said identity ) is it's always doom and gloom, there's never really much positivity around the persons identity. Which can be good for story building, but being non-binary doesn't have to be a purely negative experience. It really never commonly is ! It's in most cases freeing and positive and opens doors to many more great experiences. Whether you make it a huge deal or not, don't be shy on adding some positive things relating to their identity !! Make them happy and proud to be nonbinary !! If they come out in the story, make it good and really describe the joy that comes from it. Small things like being happy when people use their pronouns, feeling euphoric from getting a new clothing item, being obviously comfortable with certain people and showing it through things like jokes about their identity, etc.

stereotypical people are still people

; obviously it's important to push away from harmful stereotypes, or excluding ones, but !! They can be positive, or could be inside jokes among communities that'll really make the character that little more relatable. And as much as stereotypes are bad in cases when pushed from negative and tainted views by " outsiders ", there can be ones based in general ( grain of salt ) truth. Or are sometimes from the community. So the best way to go about it while not playing into stereotypes fully is to, in my opinion, mix stereotypes and experiences. Find experiences from people who have had similar(ish) things happen to them, to your characters plot and see how they go through life with their identity, include common and include " obscure " traits !!

; again as I said before, make them a complicated character with multiple traits and sides and history, etc. It'll make them 10 times more relatable than just picking one common stereotype and pasting it into your world. ( things like hand gestures, how we sit, our mannerisms in speaking, etc. Not necessarily harmful but still technically stereotypical. Personally I find them funny and relatable, others may not !! And that's okay !! You could even find character specific stereotypes, look for positively represented nonbinary characters who share things with your character and maybe consider incorporating those things ! )

; and that's just four relatively vague points, coming from just one single person who has not in fact written a book + does not speak for every enby ever, so I really do encourage you to get opinions from others and really remember we're all very different and unique people, so your character can be different and unique too. Good luck on making your character and your book !!

- Mod Xela

[askanonbinary]

hi, i'm sorry if this isn't the right place to ask, but im seeking some validation on my identity i guess? i really like using he/him pronouns, but i like dressing and .. just looking femenine, makeup, long hair, skirts, pink, all the traditionally "femenine" stuff. i know one doesn't erase the other, but i saw people making mean comments to people who presents themselves as femenine while using he/him pronouns and im truly just seeking validation and to know that it's not wrong to use masc pronouns while being femenine.

; I think an important thing to learn is to give yourself validation, sure it's nice to hear it from others, but the most important opinion on your own identity is yours. So, if you know it's not wrong to present femininely while using he / him, then is that not all that matters ?? I can and will say it's fine, because it is, and I think it's really cool how you express yourself and that you know yourself well enough to use he / him while being feminine and are okay with that, even with others not being as accepting. That's totally awesome ! But it's important to pay attention to the fact you know it's okay, it's your identity, and you being comfortable with yourself is way more important than whether or not others like you. Ignore those who dislike you for such things, and surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are ( even if the people in question is just you, it's okay to find validation in yourself )

; who cares if the occasional person says something mean about how you identify !! You're living your life. You're comfortable with who you are. That's infinitely more important than some random people you don't even know making rude comments on things they evidently don't understand.

; I hope you feel better, and I wish you luck on feeling more confident in your identity.

- sincerely, Xela ( a feminine presenting he / him user )

[askanonbinary]

Can straight cisgender people like non-binary people? I’m asking because I identify as a young straight cisgender man, but I’ve started to develop sexual and romantic feelings for both non-binary people I know IRL, non-binary people online, and non-binary fictional characters who have pretty feminine traits and/or tendencies (a lot of whom were afab). I’m I not actually straight? Am I being transphobic? I’m just trying to have a clear understanding of my sexuality (I also like feminine bigender and feminine gender fluid people as well).

; hello ! So starting off, there's an important distinction between having attraction to people, and acting on those feelings. So no, being attracted to non-binary people as a straight person is not inherently transphobic since you cannot control who you feel attracted too, plus you've said nothing about not respecting their identities. ( and there's always the context of how those non-binary people specifically align, etc etc ), but it does pose the question and open the door to whether you are actually straight or not !

; now there are a lot of terms you could use realistically speaking, and it really depends on your own personal comfort and whether you believe the term(s) are right for you / whether you'd feel more comfortable simply continuing to identify as straight. But going off your experiences a term you could look into is Finsexual ( <- link to a wiki page ), which is described as the attraction to those who are Feminine in nature, whether this be in their gender & / or gender presentation ! This can include women, feminine aligned / presenting enbies, and even in some cases feminine men.

; since genderfluid is under the non-binary umbrella, and you mentioned they are specially feminine genderfluid people, this label can apply to them as well !! Same with the feminine bigender people.

; at the end of the day it's best to choose whatever label(s) make you most comfortable and feel best accurately describe your experiences. But I wish you luck and I hope this answered your question !

- Xela

[askanonbinary]

Hi! I'm a trans boy. Most of the people I care about know this, but my familiy has not been accepting and supportive at all. Despite this, I'm close to turning 18, and I'd like to legally change my name before I start university.

I would like to tell my parents about this, in a way they'll know I will do it either way, but I would love their help and support on this matter (I'm not going to change my gender on my ID, just my name).

How should I tell them?? I want to let them know I will do it regardless of their oppinion, but how should I say this without sounding too 'rebel' and just wanting to do 'the opposite they want'? I'd like them to understand my feelings and identity, but I've tried before without success. Maybe you could help me with ways of coming out of the closet again? Or how to speak senstive subjects with parents?

I'm really lost, and any help would be appreciated. Also sorry for any grammatical error, English is not my firts language.

; hello !! I'm sorry about your family, I can understand the feeling.

; I think the best way to start the conversation would be to simply say you want to change your name, and explain the importance of it and how it would help you and make you more comfortable. Depending on how they react I'd recommend not saying anything like " I'm doing it whether you want me to or not. " or anything like that, as that probably won't help, at least not in the beginning. See if they're willing to hear you out first, and try get them on board, even if they don't understand your identity you might be able to explain the basics of " it's important to me, and changing my name is important to me " and how their support in your decision would mean lots to you. If they react positively to the name change then you can maybe try elaborating on your identity and " come out again " but if they're tense try not to push them.

; however if they're against the idea of you changing your name, you'll have to go the route of emphasizing you'll be 18 soon, going off to uni, and should be allowed to make your own decisions regarding yourself and how you go through life, and that you'll be doing this with or without their support, ( though it'd be greatly appreciated ) that could simply be enough to sway them.

; if it doesn't work first try, you can still bring it up again up until you leave. But don't stress yourself out trying to change their mind, at the end of the day you being comfortable with yourself is more important than them liking how you identify and refer to yourself. And they'll understand one day that you've changed your name for yourself, not just to defy them or be " rebellious ". And good luck !

- Xela

[askanonbinary]

I came out to my mother and she claims to love me even if she doesn't support who I am. She doesn't seem proud that I am non binary asexual AFAB. That doesn't seem like love to me.

; I'm sorry you're going through that, and that that's how your mother has responded. It's a horrible feeling, having a parent who isn't proud of you. But even so, it should be known that coming out can be difficult and I'm proud of you for doing it, even if it hasn't had the best results. This is still a newly opened door with many possibilities of how it could play out.

; I'm not sure if you want advice or not, but perhaps you could try talking with her and explaining how her " loving you but not supporting you " hurts you ?? I think, if she's being genuine in her love for you ( which I'm sure she is ), she'd be willing to hear you out. And maybe reavaluate her views, it's always possible she simply doesn't understand the actual importance and significance of your identity and what it means to you.

; good luck on whatever you decide to do ! And I wish you luck with your mum and that she comes around eventually.

- Xela

[askanonbinary]

I came out as non binary just four days ago to my staff I go by they/them/theirs or just by my name.

; congratulations !! Proud of you for coming out. It's definitely a daunting thing, but it does have it's positives, so it's great to hear you felt comfortable enough to do so

- Xela