#was actively losing it while working on this

[pastadoughie]

i dont know how to say it or what to even do at this point

i am in an abusive housing situation. witch isnt really new info nor something i talk about often. i have learned to deal w/ shit on my own overtime, aswell as my situation getting slightly better with my distancing from certain family members. but its still bad.

my mother & my brother are both extremely abusive, my brother is phisically abusive, and my mother is a pedophile. they are the only other familial ties i have aside from my dad, and they obviously arent viable and would be worse for me.

my dad is my best option in terms of family and the only person i live with currently. when hes drunk he can be actively cruel & abusive, regularly threatening sexual abuse via forfeiting custody of me to my mother. but im still semi able to reason with him while he isnt drunk. most the times hes simply neglectful, witch is preferable to the alternative atleast. & can somewhat be manipulated into caring about me, or at the very least signing & agreeing to things if i do all of the other legwork

i have a disability of some sort, i have alot of theories but overall doctors refuse to properly test me. i smoke so, they just blame every single issue i have on that & dont listen to ANY of my concerns. somewhat similar to pots in terms of symtoms. i just call it "the slop", this sortof sludge that clouds all my thoughts and everything i do. when it gets bad i cant move properly, often knocking things over, completely losing my train of thought. it can be really hard to have conversations with me, i spend alot of time being silent, keep repeating the same simple few words, dont really listen properly. i can sometimes spend hours just staring off into space. it gets better when im laying down, but sometimes not even that helps. it takes a certain kind of determination to get literally anything done. witch is really hard given my lack of any kind of support.

if i am not extremely ontop of things, if i cant force myself to do things through the slop, then i end up getting into these sludge spirals. i dont eat. i dont drink. i just lay in bed. you get so dizzy and your mouth gets so dry, and so hungry, and the slop is just unbarable. not even really existing as a person, sleeping 18 hours a day, sort of halfheartedly & extremely badly trying to do basic tasks, like eating or drinking, and then after 4 hours i just. go back to sleep. its unbarable & dehumanizing. & its not like i have anybody that can help me. i explain this to people and then they always make suggestions on how to manage it that requires another person to help, and then they never listen when i say i do not have anybody.

i need to get some kind of treatment and i need to get some kind of testing, but doing so requires so much work so many phone calls so much effort that i HAVE to do on my own, that i just. dont have the energy for. its not that im intellectually or phisically incapable i just, im just always in slop. its just always a barrier i have to work around. and the fact that just. the entire fucking medical system is so rotten to the core w/ incompetance & malice twards queer and disabled people means that its just.. so hard to get anything done at all for treatment.

and beyond the fact i have to get meds, i also really need to work on moving out. while i dont think my dad would realistically kick me out until im 18, as that would require actually doing paperwork. i dont trust him to be nice to me beyond that point.

and incase i need to say this to some sheltered fuck who does not understand this. no i cannot go to dcs. i have dealt with dcs my entire life. dcs is not an organization made to help people. it never HAS been. any good they do is incedental. they are at their core a government organization that is supposed to sound good. they do not help children. my tharapist submitted a dcs report about my brother trying to kill me back in december, and i had a dcs worker come to my door and start defending pedophilia to me. every single encounter i have had with dcs has eaither done nothing or actively been harmful to me in having a dcs worker actively encorage my families various abusive behavior.

in summery, i need some kind of help figuring out a way to. deal with everything. ideally something that would help me with practical stuff like medical paperwork, scedualling appointments, that stuff. ideally focused on & or primarily targeted to queer autists in the 16 to mid 20s range of ages. and also that is within arizona. most of the stuff ive been reccomending is stuff like housing and independant living programs, witch while helpful what im looking for is primarily medical help & that is centered around more chronic issues & disabilities that like, need more testing & such to be diagnosed, and not really in the vein of teaching me how to do appointments & such, i know how. i just. am not super good at functioning in general.

dont dm me saying "oh im always here if u wanna talk!!" thats weird. i dont know you.

[goodolddumbbanana]

Something about you are fated to be the monster. And something about it is so easy to break a Moon

I just realised something... The main reason why Moon didn't fuck himself over that bad just like Nexus is simply because back then, he had Sun as his hatred burning passion.

He was so focused on tortured Sun while letting his Killcode activated. He had his murder as his outlet, he had Sun as his outlet. His emotions for highest and lowest still in his control because someone helped him to release it.

Because when we look at it, Nexus lost Solar just like how Moon killed these kids, killed Jonathan by accident. They both hold a lot of guilt leading them to their breakdown.

Like how Moon wanted to die to get rid of these guilts, Nexus worked himself in despair with a little sparkling of realised no matter what him do, he couldn't protect and save anyone and then end up pushing everyone away

(He killed Eclipse, Eclipse comes back. Earth lost her body when he wasn't there, Sun got kidnapped multiple times, and died in his dream. Losing Solar just a final hit in his nail.)

Because Nexus, Nexus has no one. Dude just freshed-out woke up and had to face Eclipse right after that, and then a lot of craps too. He didn't have his outlet, always has to be better than the old one. And remember, Creator builds Moon to be a monster, a beast.

And we can unclip the wing of that beast, but couldn't change his nature. We had seeb the Moon who killed his Sun, he got so bottom in his hatred. Also, Moon has left half of his issue for eclipse and kc. He has scraped one piece by piece the thing that makes him insane.

But Nexus. He is a fresh new Moon. All his problems and issues are still inside his code.

And this revives Moon, he still has his Killcode, which means, the potential of him gone bad, once again happened. Which means, if Moon doesn't go Cray Cray, he will do something worse .

So.... Murder good for your health, I guess.

[sticky-cravings]

I want a stoner enby to keep as my well-fed house pet.

Of course it wouldn't start that way; after numerous dates and them quitting their dead-end job it just kind of happened. But they don't need a job anymore. I provide for all their needs and desires, no matter how hedonistic they get. I'll enable them as they slowly lose their healthy routine. Slept in instead of going on their morning run? That's okay, I made them breakfast in bed. Got too high and couldn't go to the gym? It's no big deal. Relax on the couch, put on a movie, and I'll make them a snack.

They start waking up later, spend the day constantly high off their ass being a couch potato, staying up late taking bong rips and snacking while I sleep. Passing out on our bed with cookie crumbs and chocolate all over their hands and face. I wake up before them to find wrappers and empty plates on their nightstand.

They get lazier, asking me to put in a mini fridge by the TV in our bedroom so they don't have to go to the kitchen. They ask me to cancel their gym membership. They go from wearing cute coordinated loungewear to old tank tops and stained sweatpants. They let their hair get greasy. They smoke, toke, and eat as much as they can every day. Every evening I'll come home to a hotboxed house and them glued to the couch in a haze. Their eyes are glazed over and half-lidded. A blanket poorly disguises the hand that's playing with themself. Their other hand is preoccupied with a jelly donut.

On the weekends I feed them edibles and dab rips until they're so stoned they can't move and can barely speak. I keep feeding them edibles on an hourly basis to maintain their insane high for 48 hours. Of course I take care of them when they're baked out of their mind. I feed them their favorite munchies and make them plenty of hydrating drinks. They stay in bed all weekend, letting me feed and smoke them up.

It's been a few months since they moved in. My pothead is growing a little potbelly. Between increasing their capacity and being baked 24/7, their gut started to work with a mind of its own. They start to shuffle around in the middle of the night, making themselves a big meal when they should be sleeping. They order meals delivered during the day that could serve eight people as a meal for themselves. They said they needed to drink three pints of melted ben and jerry's ice cream to satisfy their cravings.

Their belly grows bigger, forming a blubbery ring of love handles above their soft rear. Since giving up physical activity altogether their body has become softer and weaker. Not to mention their intelligence slipping away from constant weed consumption and trashy tv and video games. They stop shaving their hair and opt to shower and change their outfit once every few days. I would often come home to the living room being a mess of food and drink containers. I come home and give them everything they desire from me. They're the perfect stoned potbellied pet.

[sharkboywrites]

Hi, can you do Halsin and Astarion comfort (plus any others you like writing for) x trans reader struggling with top dysphoria, like to the point they actively avoid face to face contact because no matter how well they bind they can still feel them :( I've been struggling a lot (expecially since I can't bind due to health reasons)

Top Dysphoria

Halsin and Astarion x dysphoric transmasc reader

A/N: Really excited to write this bc I know how much chest dysphoria sucks, but I’m actually working on getting a binder now that I’m 18, so this is good motivation to write. Sorry I’m getting to this late, but I hope you feel better anon

Trans male/transmasc reader, dysphoria, chest dysphoria, all descriptions of dysphoria are based off of author’s experience

Halsin

- Halsin is one of those people that can immediately tell when something is wrong

- He could see the difference in the way you started to carry yourself, all confidence gone and making yourself as small as possible

- Your chatter died down, now often becoming completely silent unless you had to speak

- When you’d see up camp for the night you’d quickly retreat to your tent, not fixing up your weapons or talking to anyone else in your party

- He decided to wait until everyone headed to bed to check on you

- When he came into your tent you were just laying there

- You weren’t sleeping, but you weren’t exactly doing anything either

- You were just staring at the wall of your tent, face stained from tears

- He didn’t say anything at first, just sat beside you

- He eventually pulled you into his arms, holding you in a warm and comforting embrace, a bear hug perhaps

- When you felt comfortable enough to start talking, you told him everything

- You told him how you felt, how it was making every single day hard, how it was affecting your mental health

- He listened to you patiently, wiping away any tears that formed

- He assured you that your body does not define you, that it doesn’t change the way he sees you, but that he also understands why it makes you so upset

- He held you until you fell asleep, before laying with you, patting your hair as he drifted to sleep too

Astarion

- Astarion loves to bicker, that’s one obvious thing

- He throws small insults and comments whenever he can find the opportunity

- And you always bickered back

- It was like a game between the two of you, an entertainment of sorts while you had to walk from place to place, fighting monster after monster

- But suddenly, you stopped bickering back

- You were quiet, keeping to yourself

- You almost seemed smaller somehow, like trying to hide yourself from everyone around you

- He’d never admit it, but he missed your friendly fighting

- So, he decided to check up on you

- In his own way of course

- He’s not good at emotions, but he still addresses the problem directly

- He does it in a whiny way of course, while you’re party stopped at an inn for the night

- He companies about losing his fighting buddy, how quiet you’ve become, but beneath all that it’s clear he’s really just worried about you

- But he feels even worse when he sees you start to tear up

- He sits next to you on the bed as you cry out your feelings, telling him about everything

- His comfort comes in the form of a hand on your shoulder and a nod every now and then

- Like we’ve established, he’s not good with emotions, but he’s still there to listen to you

- He doesn’t have a lot to say, but he gives you a few assuring words about how he doesn’t care about those things and your body doesn’t determine who you are

- He stays with you the whole night, helping you stay distracted, and reminding you that he’s here for you

[a-blog-for-venting-i-guess]

Transformers One Bucks fanfic tropes and I love it

Spoilers below

I’m just gonna call them Megatron and Optimus for this even when I’m referring to pre transformation times.

So as a fan of the Megatron and Optimus Prime ship, I have read many many pre breakup/no breakup stories. A consistent aspect of them is Megatron being the revolutionary while Optimus is a champion of working within the system. And while those stories are fine, even great, a lot of the time it feels like Meg’s legit issues with the government were getting ignored by focusing on the “you protested in the wrong way,” sort of stuff that then radicalized him. Or megs would just use those grievances to get power and then not actually want to fix the system, he just wanted to be in charge.

I also thought this sometimes did a disservice to Optimus. Portraying him as so by the book he’s naive to the problems within cyberton so Megs has to show him the light and such. And then when Optimus does turn around he’s gotta calm Meg’s violent tendencies. Be the calm voice of reason.

So in comes Transformers One. And it’s OPTIMUS who is questioning how things work. Maybe not directly, but he’s constantly either breaking actual rules or just social norms to get what he wants. A better cybertron for all. When the truth is revealed he’s the one being like “I knew something was off.” Even when the truth is revealed Optimus is focused on fixing things because that was always what he wanted in his heart. That desire drives him to be reckless.

Meanwhile Megatron is the by the books guy. Seeing the system and its rules as a sort of lifeline he clings to whenever Optimus drags him on another stupid adventure that gets them in trouble. I think deep down he wanted the same things as Optimus but thought he could get them by following the rules. It was also a narrower scope. He wanted things better for them. Wanted a better life for himself.

When the truth is revealed he loses that safety net, He loses everything he’s ever believed in and he doesn’t know how to fix things. There’s no rule book for him to fall back on because the rules were BS and actively used to keep him down. He doesn’t trust that showing everyone the truth will cause them to turn on sentinel because all that happened to him when he learned the truth was becoming jaded+a desire for vengance. Which is why he thinks in order to move on Sentinel has to die. And this belief is solidified when he meets the elite guard with their ideology of the strongest one leads.

Optimus has to try to play the voice of reason for the first time in their friendship because of Meg’s reaction to the truth, and he sucks at it. Megs could never actually talk Optimus down from his schemes, and Optimus would always be the one making choices/leading the charge for what do to in their friendship. Now that Megatron is making up his own reckless (to put it mildly) decisions, Optimus has no idea how to actually successfully talk down Megs.

All of this leads to the tragic of tragic breakups.

Two people that cared about each other, wanted the same thing, but had drastically different ways of achieving that. And that difference tore them apart.

This is the basic story of Optimus and Megatron when they’re friends first. And for the first time it feels like the falling out happened without either of them being an idiot, or some misunderstanding. It was just how they naturally developed over the course of the story.

God I love this movie.

[liminalweirdo]

I saw a post recently by a person that had been disabled by Covid, and in the comments someone thanked this person for being so vocal for so long about their Covid injuries. They said this vocalness not only helped them go back to precautions again, but then later when they got Long Covid, they were able to be aware enough that they immediately recognized the similarities between their symptoms and other long hauler’s symptoms and then they have then been able properly advocate for themselves for medical care because of what they learned. _ And while I know majority of the people reading the things that we all say about Covid don’t really give a fuck, I also know that there are other people who are listening and learning as a way to engage in deeper community care. And like this person, there are people who are able to use this education to now be more aware of what is happening with their bodies. Which is something that is often overlooked in the brains of folks who are overworked, stressed, depressed, etc And overlooked to the point that we have people out here actually downplaying the severity of so many people losing primary neurological senses in their bodies to Covid. I don’t know about everyone else but I remember teachers stressing in school the importance of those senses 😅😅😅. _ This body awareness people are gaining from these conversations isn’t something that is only important for Long Covid but this is important for our health overall. One of the biggest issues I see with people in pregnancy/Postpartum in terms of injury/long-term healing. Is that many are not even aware of what is going on with their bodies so then they don’t know what to be mindful of, how to advocate for themselves, what their baseline “normal” is, etc. _ We need to be actively flexing this muscle of body scanning and tapping into how we are truly doing regularly. So it’s lovely to see that our work in these spaces can push folks to do that AND to protect themselves and others. Keep going. ✌🏾

source

[graedari]

"When you think about it, Clu was really just like a neglected Furby." -@junppga, 2023

[theoldkyokodied]

Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')

[bitchthefuck1]

you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.

There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.

[thefleshhive]

Today marks the start of my 5th relisten of the magnus archives !! im trying to analyse every episode because i Need to

the first episode is around 15 minutes long so it shouldn't be too bad, I thought to myself foolishly.

It took me a entire hour to get through the first episode. do I care? no. do i want to care? yes.

but also like i need to make sure i didnt miss a detail and i need to make sure i know everything about tma (i say this twirling my hair and kicking my feet and also hysterically crying)

[fighting-these-demons]

Divorce Saga Domon - A Haunted Honk Prequel

Hello Internet Stranger looking up G Gundam on Tumblr dot com!

This is an idea for a fic set in an Alternate Universe involving Queer Non-Canon Relationships between the characters of the series.

If you are not looking for this content please scroll on.

If you ARE looking for this content - and you're ok with reading my and other's Headcanons for this Alternate Universe I've haphazardly spun up -

Then go ahead and feel free to:

Check The Tags Of This Post For The Pairings

and click the Read More below!

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Ended up outlining a completely different fic as a Segway for an explanation instead of making progress on the Royal Flush Haunted Honk AU's Clown Motel Fic like I wanted to but uh....

For y'all's review for the AU: A Prequel Outline - Divorce Saga Domon

--------------------------------------

Hey real quick - I'm thinking of maybe changing the timeline to 2 years post canon as opposed to 3 years and change post canon.

The reason being: I had a thought that this scene could either be part if the fic or if it's getting to big then it could be a stand alone tie-in prequel fic as part of this AU but - like

Immediately Post Divorce Domon Needs Space and runs off. As one does. And he runs to Earth because he just wants to Get Lost for a while.

He has Argo smuggle him out to avoid detection.

Argo has Andrew help stow Domon in a storage hanger of a Neo Canadian supply ship that's returning to the US - they have trade often enough and share agricultural resources - which leads to Domon ending up in New York when he hits Earthside pavement.

He's privately worked on his English the last couple of months and after being dropped in New York with a different hairstyle, outfit, and accent he's unrecognizable. 

He considers making his way west to get some solitude in the wilderness, but something about that initial plan feels off now that he's on the ground.

Chibodee is also Earthside for a special series of prize fights aimed at raising charitable appeal for the US in the eyes of Neo Americans.

Domon decides to hit up Chibodee for a fight on a day between matches hoping it'll clear his head and give him the clarity to decide on a course of action. What ends up happening is an unexpected heart to heart via blows and a breakdown.

Domon is happy for Rain and Kyoji, and he knows it's not true; but he feels like he lost a piece of himself when his relationship with Rain fell apart.

Domon's instinct is to run after that but Chibodee knows this city and Domon doesn't hide out for long before Chibodee drags him back to his place to stay and just "Chill out and breathe. You don't have to be anyone but yourself here. You can take as long as you need to find out what everything changing means for you." Friends and teammates stick together.

So Domon spends a few weeks with Chibodee sparring and hanging out in New York. Chibodee does a frankly awesome job at containing his feelings because he's focusing on Domons feelings and being a good friend first and foremost. Whatever he's feeling can wait until after Domon is done going though it.

There's a bit of a twinge in Domon's heart as he leaves that he can't really place.

After he returns to Neo Japan and gets settled back into life with his family, The Dreams start.

They're mainly set in New York. Small things first like noticing Chibodee's smile and his eyes. Then sparring sessions that begin to turn lurid.

He thought these kinds of dreams would stop after he was married.... he doesn't know what to do about this.

I just figure it gives more clarity and sense of time for the journey from Comphet Marriage Dissolution to Feelings to Confession. Idk.

But I got stuck on a bit and then had this thought and needed to get it down before I lost it and it was so long it made sense to make it its own post as opposed to several replies.

The Maize and Clown Motel will probably still be 3 years and change post canon for clarification.

@thedragonchilde @amplexadversary @youreaclownnow

[tanzdoesthings]

having an assignment where the whole topic is “is it worth it to suffer for art” is really making me think.

[rimouskis]

one of my best friends is about to have a baby today........... so weird to be on the periphery of something so life changing. I want to go "life is going to change forever" as if it hasn't already

[lesbiancarat]

my workplace is fucking insane bc yesterday I learned about gay office romance drama going on in my department and today the plant literally caught fire and there were floor to ceiling flames I need us to take a step back for a minute

[see-arcane]

Mina's incredible (and underrated) detective prowess would be very useful I bet. Put her on the helm Integra, Van Helsing praised her brains as being above everyone's including himself for a reason.

I honestly can't guess what the chemistry between Integra and Mina would be. Integra doesn't really click with me as a classically heroic character, for all that she does focus on saving humanity from the undead via Alucard and her forces, being the Boss Lady etc etc. She's miles away from being as insidious as an Amanda Waller, but...

The hotel. The fucking hotel will never leave me.

Yes, the order went directly against 'soldiers of the enemy,' but those soldiers had been lied to about who and what they were charging into. Which was obvious even without being a fly on the wall to know their higher-ups had fed them some BS to march them into death and win their own power grab from Millennium. She didn't tell Alucard to 'make it quick' or even just to 'neutralize.' She told him to search and destroy. Folding to Alucard's egging and negging to seem like a Worthy War Commander in the grand scheme~ of the plot

She's not heartless, exactly, but she is arctic and surprisingly quick to breeze past the loss of lives that aren't under her direct care/command. While she might respect Mina's abilities and investigative skills--I wouldn't be surprised if Mina could intuit Millennium's endgame well before the climax could happen--Integra inherited none of her ancestor's warm regard, supposing Abraham van Hel(l)sing had any of the original's tenderness in him (50/50 considering this takes place in aggro horror territory). We can't even say if this universe's Mina played any big role in cornering Dracula; she might just have been a targeted damsel.

All that said, I think Integra would see Mina as another time-displaced bleeding heart with a few useful skills, same as Jonathan. Someone to be an ally at best, a liability at worst. So I don't see her handing over any reins or offering to be co-girlbosses any time soon :c

[nompunhere]

do you have any bug game stories that are more romantic than platonic? (not sexual ofc) safe noms with lovey-dovey nonsense is peak fiction for me

hmmmmge, in terms of ones I've already written, I've got like 2 or 3:

Where Ash Drifts Like Snow - C/rimson N/ails (so M/arkoth/X/ero), pre-relationship, they're both crushing hard, definitely fluff

Tender Moments - Q/uirrell/emm (or L/emmq/uirrel, whichever we call it), the definition of lovey-dovey nonsense, there's hardly any plot to it it's just 2.6k words of fluff

Bug Bites 3 - Chipped, the first ficlet there, has some fluffy Q/uirrell/emm again, and the one after that, Stealth Nap, has that pairing + T/iso, but any romance is maybe just sorta implied? A little?

Oh and there's This 2-part Thing - Not bug game, but notable in that the couple there is technically a romantic pairing, lot of angst with a touch of hurt/comfort at the end. if it helps I was picturing it with X/ero as the pred and M/arkoth as the prey while writing it lmao

aaaaaand because of my usual bs, here's a couple tidbits of stuff I have in the idea doc and outlines of unwritten fics that happen to involve romance below the cut (so many pheckin images)

gonna start off with the complete outlines, for which I have three that basically set up Quirreloro and that's about it for romance:

Interlude. not vore, but vore gets referenced at the end.

Storytime. Oro is enlisted to share an anecdote from his and Quirrel's shared history. Can't remember if it's pre-relationship or established.

Research Project. Let's just say you're bound to figure out where you stand with someone when you're that close for that long ;)

next up, future Bug Bites:

Tisoquirrel fluff (and Ghost is also there). Shenanigans ensue.

Crimson Nails. Those two are still crushing super hard on each other but may or may not get slightly less useless about it.

Tisoquirreloro. Or Tisoquirrel at least, Oro isn't too involved yet. More shenanigans ensue.

...Ogrisma? I don't know how people tend to write out the ship name but yeh. Fluffy fluff. Finally, a semi-functional couple

Crimson Nails again. They may or may not be aware of how useless they are and may or may not work towards fixing that.

Clothmyla. Seriously I don't know what the ship names are for a lot of these. Anyway, uhhh. Attempt at lessbeans. Gotta start somewhere!

Aaaaand finally, an Assortment of Other Ideas. hh.

Crimson Nails, Xero moves into with his boyfriend. Hurt/comfort.

Cold Night 2, electric boogaloo, and this time it's Tisoquirreloro. Many much cuddols.

Oh wait I guess that's about it for the romance fic ideas without going into things that are more plot than noms/fluff. and I've already gotten way ahead of myself anyway, so. e ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ enjoy the patches of content ! probably gonna ramble in the tags again