#we all have our own personal battles and unfortunately he lost his

[jellyfishdoodler]

Three years ago yesterday, my friend took his own life and I still miss him almost every day. I hope he would like this little piece.

I also wrote something under the cut- mostly just kinda rambling about him but its more just for me.

Take care of yourselves out there and I beg of you, if you are struggling, please reach out to somebody. Because if you leave then you will be so dearly missed by more people than you know.

You are loved, you are cared for, you matter so somebody.

Take care 💛

I think about you a lot. 

But the things that come to mind are mostly about the video games you used to play with me.

You adored the giant mushrooms in minecraft. We explored far lands and deep caves together. You always killed the mobs for me because I was scared of dying even though we had Keep Inventory on. We would have long strip mining sessions and talk about how we were doing. Tell jokes and stories from our lives or just quietly enjoy each other's company. You always got so excited to see any of the in-game critters. You would have loved the cherry blossoms they added.

You always picked dark green in Among Us but always changed your hat for silly situations. Once you thought I was smart for going back and killing you while you were behind the Admin table, but I was just panicking. We laughed about it in the lobby after I lost. I tried looking for screenshots but I think they got lost. But we'd always run around the boxes while we waited.

You loved to wear the cute outfits in Animal Crossing. I gave you the pretty umbrella and it became your favorite item. We gathered on my island like it was a party to catch shooting stars and spin our umbrellas in unison in between the showers. I remember you lighting up like the sun when you got the New Horizons themed Switch for a really good price because it was in a small local game shop everyone overlooked. 

You enjoyed playing Grounded in early access. Telling me how decorating your base was your favorite part even though you couldn't sit in the little grassblade chairs. There's been a major update with story and more items added. It's also multiplayer now... 

I would give almost anything in the world to be able to play with you again, Gydeon.

I think about you a lot.

You were deeply protective and loved your friends with your whole chest every day. Even when it was damaging to you.

We would talk privately outside the server we met in. Saying how so many of them were in the wrong for so much of the drama they caused and that what they were doing was not okay. But they were our friends. We held each other's hands while walking on eggshells together. Trying to settle their emotions and each other's when we had nothing left to give. 

I still remember your bright laugh. I remember your sleepy mumbles not wanting to leave the group call when it got late in your timezone. I remember you being bored out of your mind while you waited in your dad's car. I remember you getting furious over the actions of someone and losing your cool. I remember you being so excited when you figured out and came out as Pansexual. You decorated all your avatars with Pan flag stickers and were so giddy to find out that part of yourself. I remember you joking about your depression. I remember you being down low and I remember how we would go online and play together to escape for a while.

I think about you a lot. 

Finger snapping has become a stim for me because you taught me that the sound comes from when your finger thumps against your palm. 

Whenever I need to feel brave I think about you standing up for what was right even though you got backlash for it. 

You had so much courage and pride but the thing you inspired in me most was to choose kindness above all else. No matter what. Its easy to be rude and angry and violent. It takes a strong spine and head to be able to let petty shit go and to choose to remain soft and gentle in spite of everything.

I think about you a lot. 

Its been 3 years and I still hold some guilt in my heart for what happened. I don't think it will ever go away and I almost don't want it to, but I've worked hard to make it bearable. Your memory still weighs heavily in my chest when I think about you, but it's more like a comfortable weighted blanket rather than an unrelenting mountain trying to swallow me whole.

You were an incredible young man and I'm one of the luckiest people in the world to say I was able to meet you. Even if the time spent with you was far, far too short. 

You were funny. You were smart. You were the kindest, sweetest person I have ever had the honor to get to know. 

You were one of my close friends and I miss you dearly, Gydeon. I love you, buddy.

[opal-owl-flight]

Can you please tell us more about Neo4. What's their background.

“I need your help.”

Thing is -- I dont exactly own that character! Hes owned by @pastille-pain ... I asked them abt his deets, so here it is under the readmore!

His recruitment by 3 is also under the readmore :) (+more notes abt pre-sploon3)

(From my pal)

My Precious Soy Sauz

Aka croissant

Where he comes from is inkopolis

Lived there his whole life actually. A very sheltered kid due to being raised by grandparents that were in Octaria at one point. So they wanted to make sure nothing really happened to him

An only child but he had his cousin (Nakji, Takoyaki) of the three, he'd be the middle child with Nakji and the youngest.

He's got two friends (three if we count malachite -- the smallfrt) outside of the platoon. Dulce, and (unfortunately) Scara

He dating Melon (oc of mine), we know this

Kinda funny it started as her just battling with him cause he was good but then it turned something more

His time before the platoon was mostly

"Hey are you related to that Sauz idol?" Or "hey, you related to that Sauz wrestler?" It got annoying very quickly so he started introducing himself as croissant and nothing else

Aside from that, if he wasn't turfing he was at home reading or watching shows. Guys a very boring person

He's a pretty big OTH fan...

All this above is still the same even while being apart of the platoon minus the constant questions about his relatives and adding college into the mix

He can do some really cool shit when he's focused (like absolutely demolish competition in turf) but he's also easily distracted so I think you can imagine how that goes

His stress relief is shopping (mostly window shopping, very rarely does he actually buy anything)

He never gets too mad but we know the face if he does

Fun fact, you will never catch this man in pants

Short and anything else

Not pants

The only time he's ever seen wearing pants is in his agent gear and that's cause it's what was given to him.

-----------------------

Heres a bonus too, of 3s recruitment of him!

It was a turfing match, and theyve been watching the krak-on user the whole round. They took note of how he responded to stress, to bad calls, and how he acted on his own following calls he had judged as bad. Once it was over, they followed the team into the lobby.

They stand tall against the doorframe theyre leaning against, presence as cold and as commanding as ever.

(Nevermind that Croissant is taller AND older than them, that squid is intimidating as FUCK)

A whistle, calling the team over.

"|May I have a word?|" they sign, "|Ive been watching your team turf for the last few rounds.|"

Scara, the team captain, spits a "Who the FUCK are you."

3s eyebrows raise in surprise. But they should expect it... casual turfers dont usually know their name.

They went to the smaller leagues for a reason. If something happened to a big name in the scene, and its found that they had something to do with it-

No. No. They mentally shake their head. They are NOT picking this person because they are going to be fucking canon fodder.

"|Who I am is not important. Not much, anyway.

I am... interested in one of your teammates.|"

a nod towards Croissant. "|As a krak-on user myself, his performance has impressed me.|"

"Has he now. You seen our losses?? Are you making fun of us??"

"|He has great potential.|" they sign, ignoring the outburst. "|I would like to...|" theres a slight pause. "|...train with him.|"

"I can train my team perfectly, all by myself. Get lost."

They give a cold stare back. "|Im sure that has worked very well for you thus far.|"

The captain didnt seem to want to back down. 3 continues, ear twitching.

"|This request was not aimed towards you, anyway. Im asking him.|"

"BUT-"

"|I want to hear HIS answer.|"

A test. 3 saw that Scara was pushing him around and the only reason they won the match was bc Croissant decided to go his own way. Will he go his own way now?

"Well I know he'll choose to stick with me-"

"Oh I'd love to train with you I like helping others :D"

"You weren't supposed to say that."

3 nods. "|It begins now. Come. We have much to discuss. And as for you.|"

They clack their beak. "|Captain to captain. You need to listen to your teammates more.|"

-----------------------

Once they are in a more private space...

"|Training is only one part of the deal.

I apologize for not being upfront. This is a matter of national security, and I cannot mention much about it beyond base.|"

I suppose Croissant hasnt heard...or at least, isnt into much of the so-called Hero of Inkadia thats plastered everywhere in Inkopolis? If he was, hed at least start thinking of all that being like... "wait all that media was based on something real???"

(3 mentioning national security and a base may also inspire thoughts of "wow this squid's a fucking nerd...")

"|You are free to reject my request if you feel unfit for the task at hand. But where are my manners? I have yet to formally introduce myself.

Topside, I am known as FOR3VRFRSH. Here, I am the Captain of the New Squidbeak Splatoon.

I suppose youve heard of such a force...? No?|

Mm.

|Just know that we keep Inkadia more or less safe from nation-destroying threats.|"

He accepts the offer... but he also wasn't thinking too hard on it cause he saw an opportunity to step away from Scara and took it immediately.

3 nods, beckoning him towards the sewer line. As they walked backwards into base, they signed to him. "|From this point onwards, you will be referred to as Agent...Four.|"

Theres a very slight waver of their hand as they signed the number.

"|You show much promise, from what Ive observed in turf. Dont disappoint me.|"

"The only person I disappoint is that guy, but he's just very critical-"*

Theres a glint in 3s eye, a look of amusement... "|...Overly critical is putting it lightly.|"

"I promise to do my best still."

-----------------------

3 introduces him as the new Agent 4 and I feel Marie just scrunches her nose a bit. Then sees the look in 3s eye...

To the folks from the regions around 3s home (Callie, Marie, Cuttlefish), theyre not subtle about missing her.

[lees-chaotic-brain]

𝙵𝙰𝙺𝙴 𝙵𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙽𝙳 (𝙾𝚂𝙰𝙼𝚄 𝙼𝙸𝚈𝙰 𝚇 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙳𝙴𝚁)

summary: he overhears your friend saying something unkind

wc: 1.5k (oops this was supposed to be a drabble)

cw: mild swearing, reader has adhd, stigma against adhd

haikyuu masterlist | blog navigation

“...What makes you think I wouldn’t lose it? I have the worst case of ADHD anyone has ever seen, you seriously think I’d be able to keep track of it?”

Your lighthearted laughter as you teased your friend floated over the din of the cafe as Osamu entered it, there to pick you up. Unable to tamp down his lovesick smile at the sound of your voice, he immediately perked up when he spotted you and began heading over to where you were sitting with your friends.

You had a little bit of trouble controlling your volume, so he had been able to hear what you were saying earlier, but since then you had gone weirdly quiet. But as he made his way over to you, he became close enough to catch the tail end of what your friend said in response.

“...I mean come on. You can’t just blame everything on your ADHD. Like, when are you going to actually take responsibility for your problems instead of using it as an excuse as if half the population doesn’t have it?”

He didn’t have to see your face to know what your expression looked like. Just like every other time someone said something shitty like that to you, he knew that the hurt would only show on your face for a moment before morphing into a sarcastic and uncaring mask.

“I’m sorry, what?” Your voice had lost its boisterous joy from moments ago, and that alone made him want to storm over there and tear that girl a new one. Unfortunately he was well aware of the fact that you preferred to fight your own battles, and loathed feeling like you needed some man to come in and defend your feelings.

“I’m just saying.” Your friend rolled her eyes. “You’re so put together, and one of the most intelligent people I know. When are you going to stop using your ADHD as an excuse for your terrible work ethic?”

While the first part of what she said sounded deceptively nice, the hidden connotations in the barbed sentence did not go over his head, so it most certainly did not go over yours. Remembering all of the nights he spent holding you as you cried because someone had called you lazy, or told you that you could do it if you just tried, he made a mental note to himself to remind you of how amazing you are every day. As if he didn’t already.

“Wow.” Your voice had taken on a mocking, almost cruel tone. While most people overhearing would think you’re just being really nasty, he knew better. This was how you protected yourself. You pretended you didn’t care and mocked the person for their ignorance, then went home and asked him to hold you until your heart stopped hurting and the voices in your head stopped talking.

You took a slow, leisurely sip of your drink, before slamming the cup back onto the table with more force than necessary. “For someone who claims to have undiagnosed ADHD, you sure don’t know anything about it. Just so you don’t embarrass yourself in the future by spewing more bullshit like this, let me give you a few pieces of information.”

Leaning back in your chair, you began ticking off items on your fingers as you spoke. 

“One. Telling someone with ADHD to “just focus” is like telling a person with glasses to just see better. We want to, but we can’t.” You level a pointed look at her glasses and Osamu notes with satisfaction that her face is beginning to get flushed with embarrassment. You continue.

“Two. A lot of people with ADHD are actually insanely smart. They have to be. People in classes like ours who have ADHD and struggle with paying attention and staying on task need to be intellectually gifted to survive in school. It’s the only way they can keep up. Which brings us to point three.”

The overly sweet smile you give your so-called “friend” tells him that you’re about to say something you’ll regret later, but he can’t bring himself to stop you because anyone who hurt your feelings deserved what was coming for them. If that made him a bad boyfriend then he didn’t really care. He would just comfort you later and tell you that you aren’t a bad person for putting a judgemental asshole in their place.

“Point three: don’t go around telling people that you have undiagnosed ADHD. Like I said before, people with ADHD typically need to be smarter than the others in their class to keep up, especially in an engineering major. Which is exactly why no one is going to believe you. Frankly, you’re just not smart enough. You’re barely hanging on as it is. If you really did have ADHD you would have flunked out by now.”

Checking the time on your phone you gathered your stuff and stood up. “Sorry. My boyfriend is probably here by now. Although, something came up. I think you’ll need to find your own ride back. Sorry.”

Surveying the area where you had sat, you double checked to make sure you had everything, pausing and looking back over your shoulder just as you were about to leave.

“Oh, and by the way.” You shoot her a saccharine smile. “I really appreciate you thinking that I’m really put together. Unlike my intelligence, that’s all an act, so I’m really flattered that you thought that about me. It means a lot.”

With that, you turned and came face to face with your boyfriend's chest, nearly falling on your ass. One of his arms wound around your waist, pulling you against him and keeping you upright while the other snagged your bag and threw it over his shoulder.

“Samu?!” You look up at him in surprise and he just smirks and guides you out of the restaurant. Once you’re in the privacy of his car, you speak again. “...How long were you standing there?”

“Long enough to hear the bullshit she spewed.” You look down, pretending to pick at your nails, but he knows you’re just trying to hide the tears welling in her eyes. 

“I really thought she was my friend.” Your voice is quiet and watery, completely different from the one you used with your friend just seconds ago in the cafe. “Maybe she’s right. I was probably too mean to her. I apologize to her-”

He was going to let you apologize, knowing that nothing he said would take away the guilt clawing at your insides, but then he saw the contact name.

“Her??” He pointed incredulously at the contact name. “The girl in there was her?? The one who was super mean to ya last year? I thought ya said ya weren’t friends with her anymore!”

Flushing, you tilt your phone away from him. “Well, I didn’t want you to worry. She got nicer, I swear.”

His eyes narrow. “Uh-huh. And what she said to ya back there definitely reflects just how much she’s changed.”

With a quick stretch of his arm, he snatched your phone out of your hand and slid it into his pocket, fending you off with one arm as he started the car and pulled out, causing you to cease your physical attempts at reclaiming your phone.

“Osamu Miya!! You give that back!! It’s not up to you who I’m friends with, and whether or not I apologize!”

“I know that.” He mumbles, keeping his eyes on the road. “I just don’t like seeing ya sad. And yer always sad when yer friends with assholes like her.”

“Oh, Samu…” Your voice softens and you take his free hand in your own. “I’ll be okay. Really. Honestly she’s probably trying to help me. She just wants me to fix what’s going on-”

“That’s exactly what I mean!” His knuckles turn white with how tightly he’s gripping the steering wheel, but his grasp of your hand is nothing but gentle. “There’s nothing wrong with ya! She says shit like that and you believe her! Yer perfect the way you are, and I hate that you spend time with people who make you feel less than that! I don’t care who yer friends with. I just want them to treat you well. The way ya deserve.”

You deflate, your grip on his hand tightening and he sees you wiping your eyes out of his peripheral. “I know. I know you're right. Can we just...talk about this later? I just want to be sad right now."

'"Of course we can babe. We don't have to talk about it at all if you don't want to. I'm just not letting you apologize to her because she doesn't deserve it."

You laugh, and the sound does things to his heart. "I love you so much Samu. You know that, right?”

He squeezes your hand tightly, knowing that no matter what, the two of you would be okay because you had each other. “I know. And I love ya a million times more than that.”

taglist: @arlerts-angel @ponderingmoonlight

[ryverbind]

Faceless Fixation (Sal Fisher): Viper of Fear [16]

I'm crouched behind the one piece of protection I was able to find in this abyss of unspoken horrors. This battle ground of malice and revenge. 

My heart pounds against my ribcage, a war drum thrumming within my own body. My chest is splattered with the lost hopes and dreams of my enemies. My veins are filled with the icy bite of fear-- fear that strikes with the accuracy of a viper. 

This is a wasteland. What once was is nothing anymore. The ground beneath me held up opportunity mere minutes ago, all for it to be stripped away in a moments notice. And it's all my fault.

The surface beyond my safe space is riddled with the neon blood of my foe. Synthetic shotgun shells cover the floor, acting as hell's very own field of bones. The desert scene that earlier reflected a symbol of goals I never thought I'd achieve now mimics Vlad the Impaler's wet dream. 

I take a shaky breath, adrenaline pumping through every millimeter of my being as I listen to the war waging behind me. I don't spare even a simple glance over the box I'm hiding behind. This box is the stone that Arthur's sword once resided in-- this bitch will never break as long as I believe in it.

My fingers flex around the weapon in my arms, my muscles tense and my mind alert. If I'm not on edge at all times right now, I'll get caught. And getting caught means death. All hell has broken loose amidst the cloud of contentment that blinded me just minutes ago. I should have know that karma and revenge go hand-in-hand. They're best friends. They are a repeated process and know each other good and well. 

I acted on revenge, and karma was quick to collect my debt. 

"You've been hit by..." my heart stops upon hearing that deep, sultry, amused voice. He's having the time of his life, relishing in the screams of his victims. "You've been struck by..." I hear the barrel of his gun snap, releasing a plague of venom upon the person at his mercy. And the sufferer bellows in agony, spreading their unfortunate and horrific fate to me. I sympathize, my heart skipping a beat. I'm trapped in the clutches of hesitance, of terror. I squeeze my eyes shut. "A smooooth Larry Johnson!"

I swallow thickly, a guilty grin quirking my lips. Everyone's fair game to Larry right now. We aren't his friends at the moment, we're pawns in his chaotic chess game.

I set my gun on my knee, wiping my clammy palm against my chest. My hand comes up sticky though, so I look down at it, grimacing at my neon orange skin. I chew on my bottom lip, contemplating the memory of how I became covered in paint.

The issue with my win against Sal earlier is that I expected him to silently fume over his loss. I wasn't prepared for him to throw paintballs into his mag and pelt me with three almost immediately. I was too confident. Overzealous. And... I guess I had it coming.

I can't wipe the image of that moment out of my head, when I finally looked up at Sal to see him stalking over to me with a fire in his pretty blue eyes. As soon as our gazes clashed, he launched into fighting position with his gun up, aimed at me, and at the ready. His finger slammed on the trigger with no regret, effectively slathering me in the ugliest colors I've ever seen. What's worse is that he came at me short-range, so my gut and chest are throbbing in pain. Probably have some bruising, but hey, that's game. This is war.

What I want to know is how the hell Sal and Larry know how to work a paint ball gun. I underestimated my enemies.

First rule of gaming and life: never, under any circumstances, underestimate the enemy. And for fucks sake, double tap! Don't be like me, apparently.

Larry very thankfully moves away from me, probably laying his mayhem upon Ash somewhere else in this tumultuous room.

No one has found me yet, and it's already been about a full five minutes since the metaphorical shit hit the fan. I guess physical shit too, seeing as we've completely wrecked this photoshoot set. I kind of feel bad for The Faces; no one's ever going to give them this opportunity again.

I hear Todd yelp somewhere in the distance and my body stiffens up automatically. I can't afford to feel false security in such a dangerous situation. This box of props isn't my savior, nor will it ever be. I have to be prepared no matter what.

I feel a brush against my leg, so I whip my head to the side half expecting a threat and half expecting me to just have been stupid and hit the wall. Preparation can work or it can backfire, but it's better than walking through the unknown.

But seeing Sal crouched beside me makes me want to bolt into the crossfire that Larry's creating.

And Sal hasn't noticed me yet either. He's simply hiding from Larry too, trying to escape the fiend his step-brother has become. His gun is propped on his knee, his finger hovering over the trigger in fear of being found. His sapphire colored hair is stringy from sweat, sticking to his neck and prosthetic. Dots of neon green and orange are littered along the long strands, his fringe much the same. He pants heavily, probably from bolting across the room as quickly as he could. His chest rises and falls quickly, the action attracting my gaze. And then his eyes that map out the battle ground behind the box we're both hidden behind-- his cerulean gaze that swallows me whole no matter when or how I get to see them. And those beautiful, veiny, bruised hands of his that handle the weapon in his arms like he has the strength and confidence of all the mightiest men in this world.

He glances down at his gun, using his hand to swipe a patch of neon green off of his black gun. But when he looks down, he also spots my boot.

I gulp, the viper of fear sinking its venomous fangs into my skin. It was only a matter of time-- I should have snuck away while he was still distracted. But as I said, karma and revenge work hand-in-hand. 

Sal's head snaps up, shocked gaze meeting my own. As soon as he realizes who he's looking at, the emotion in his eyes flips completely, turning into a horrendous glare. And there's nothing I can really do but wait for him to probably shoot me again. It's better than risking an onslaught from Larry-- I'm actually scared of him. Kinda relieved that Ash and Todd have to face him instead of me. 

"Bitch," Sal bites out quietly, trying to make sure that Larry doesn't find him. "Fuck you."

My lips quirk into some kind of sneer and grin. If this is all he'll do then maybe it's time to repeat the karma-revenge process. I'm about ready to get back at him for bruising my ribs earlier. "Yea," I whisper back harshly, "I bet you want to." 

Sal's piercing eyes narrow and a wave of impending doom and ferocity carves away at my insides. I can feel the sting of murderous intent like flames licking at my skin. Maybe I need to reevaluate my life choices.

He doesn't say a word-- doesn't drone about how much he hates me or how I'm nothing compared to him. He just lifts one hand from his gun and slams it into my throat, his fingers gripping my skin tightly and robbing me of fresh air.

I choke on the sudden pressure on my airways, leaning forward to try and relieve myself even if just a bit, but Sal doesn't let up. He only yanks me closer to him. It's almost embarrassing that he knows what turns me into putty in his hands-- we've only been doing this for two days. But it seems that anger and aggression is his go-to when it comes to me, whether he truly feels it or he's just trying to wrap me around his finger.

I swallow, taking quick and raspy breaths as I look into his eyes that are mere centimeters away from mine. His bright blue irises hold so much intrigue, so much contempt. Every shade of blue, every fleck of golden stardust in his gaze resents me. I'm borderline obsessed with the way he hates me at this point. It's such a strong emotion, to be loathed so deeply by anyone at all. It isn't love, but I don't need love. 

Maybe this is why I didn't move when I realized he was next to me. Because I craved to fall victim to the indignation that constantly radiates between us. He just hates me so good.

I wrap my hand around his wrist, tears starting to form in my eyes as I do my best to hold his gaze. I won't bend to him-- that would be too easy. Nothing about this is easy, and it shouldn't be. He and I both know it.

"You don't want to fuck me," he says condescendingly, raspy voice full of veiled fascination. He hides most of it with his anger, but I know he enjoys the way I react. It's painfully obvious. "You couldn't handle me."

I snort as best as I can with my airways blocked off, a little smile pulling at my lips. Is he really trying to scare me? He should know by now that trying to freak me out only makes me want to show him how wrong he is. "Wanna bet?" I challenge with a scratchy, barely audible voice.

His eyes glance over my face, soaking up the position he has me in appreciatively. "I'll rip you apart," he warns, pretty gaze snapping up to meet mine again.

"Wasn't that always the plan?"

Sal takes a slow, deep breath before cocking his head to the side in an admonishing way. Then he drops his hand and a rush of air abuses my lungs. I choke on the oxygen invading my body and scoot away from him as quickly as possible. He looks away from me, peeking over the top of the box. "If it wasn't the plan before, then it is now. Someone needs to set you straight." 

Oh, that's nice. So when are we fucking? "I don't want to be set straight," I scoff, taking the opportunity to glance around the side of the box too. Larry's been pulled aside by the photographers. And holy fuck, it looks like a neon tornado tore up this entire room. We're in so much trouble. "I want to be reminded of why I want this to begin with."

"No," Sal bites out. "You just need to fucking go to therapy. Bratty bitch-- I'll scare you out of this stupid BDSM fantasy you have."

I turn my head to him, eyes wide. Did he really just blindly read me and guess correctly? "How fucking dare you?" I seethe quietly. "Who are you to tell me I need to go to therapy? What does that say about you, huh? Hypocritical cunt."

Sal looks down at me in return, gaze as wrathful and irritated as usual when it comes to me. "Only delusional people like you think they want to be tied up and fucked into stupidity. But since you won't stop lying to yourself like a dumbass, I'll just have to be a good Samaritan and show you, I fucking guess." 

"Ah, yea," I hum, feigning disappointment while excitement rushes through me. "Such a shame that you have to go out of your way to fuck me hard enough that I lose the last few braincells I have left." Sal rolls his eyes, letting out an exasperated breath. "You're such a hypocrite. You're judging me for being a freak when you're one too," I continue.

"Because it fits me. I've been a freak from the start, why not make it into something I can actually utilize?" He counters, voice still laced with agitation that only continues to grow.

"So no one else can have the same desires that you do? Are you really gatekeeping your sexuality right now?" I hiss at him, adjusting my stance to face him-- anything to be more intimidating than I already am. He's such an asshole involving absolutely everything. Who does he think he is? The bouncer of BDSM? Be fucking for real.

"Only you would take a warning as gatekeeping." Sal runs his paint-covered hand over his prosthetic, realizing too late that his face is slathered in neon. This only fuels his obvious vexation. He grumbles quietly to himself before saying. "You're such a simpleminded moron. Think with your head instead of your pussy. I mean, really think." 

Rage suffocates me like I'm swimming in a sea of way-too-fluffy bunnies. I might be attracted to him in a way that's so down horrendous it makes me question myself sometimes, but that does absolutely nothing to distract me from how awful his personality actually is. I've never wanted to punch someone the way I want to punch him. Every single second I spend with him-- sucking him off or arguing with him-- fills me with some of the most potent emotions I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing in my entire life.

"Sal," I say calmly, turning away from him to watch as Larry turns around and starts calling out all of us. His gun has been revoked. "I say this honestly, and for your own good," I tell the man beside me. I could pistol-whip his ass right now. I'm so pissed. "I think I'll be the one to rip you apart."

That makes him laugh humorlessly, but I don't dare look down to see it happen. If I see him right now, my boot is going to be somewhere on him and it's going to hurt. "I'd like to see you try," he rasps out.

I scrunch my face up, trying to control the anger that radiates off of me in toxic waves. I'm innocent in all of this. Someone needs to set him straight. Not me.

"Try to wipe my handprint off your neck," Sal mumbles, standing up and walking around the box. "If anyone gets any ideas, I'm blaming you."

Asshole. I sneer at his back as he walks over to Larry. I bend down, swiping at my neck and only being able to smear the paint since it's starting to dry. But whatever-- if someone thinks it's a handprint, I'll just pass it off as my own.

"Yea, man," Larry says as I finally start to make my way over to him and Sal. "They aren't pressing charges because they got good pics out of the whole mess, but they are kicking us out. So..." Larry says in a serious tone, one that I don't hear all too often. He almost seems a little timid. "Ash got to talk with them while they stripped me of my fun stick. Thank God she's the bargainer because I would've landed us in jail." Emo buff daddy snorts, trying to smoosh down a little smirk.

So we're given a good reprimanding. I hate this part of getting into trouble because I always feel bad. Mainly since I'm usually the one who was the bad influence and started everything. Some things just never change and Ash can attest to that. 

So many times in my life, I've done things that have landed me in situations where I definitely could have gotten a juvenile record. I've just been lucky all this time-- I need to stay lucky because I don't qualify for juvie anymore. 

There was one time my band buddies and I had the bright idea to carve out the batter head of a school-owned bass drum and trick this asshole kid into crawling into it. Duck-taped him to it in record time and also got caught immediately. We were going to roll him outside of the building. This paint-ball situation reminds me of that time. It's literally almost the same situation-- defacing property, basically. 

I need to stop doing this to myself.

The Faces and I do the walk of shame out of The Venetian, catching a taxi over to Excalibur since they apparently have these giant sword-shaped daiquiris and we all need a drink after what just went down. The one downside is that we're all in tactical gear and covered in neon paint. But, whatever. It's Vegas.

We all stand in line at the daiquiri stand, waiting for our turn to order. It's pretty cool in here, set up like a castle with life size chess pieces lining the front walkway. Not to mention, male strippers are taking pictures with old ladies beside us and, holy hell, no matter the time or day that is just a glorious sight to behold.

Ash and I stand beside each other, giggling over the horny old ladies beside us when a group of people walk around the corner. They're all dressed in old, medieval clothing. All men. Kings, in fact. I think back to what Ash told me earlier about there being jousting tournaments in this casino. I didn't think they dressed up though-- they all look so cool. 

But then there's a straggler-- a man dressed as some kind of dark, medieval knight. His hair is long and curly and he has face make-up on. Black around his eyes. He's hot as fuck and Ash and I both quiet down while he walks by, strutting like he owns the place. He's tall as hell too. Larry's height.

The group of actors crawl into line behind us. I lick my lips, trying to get a glimpse of the dark knight, but Sal's stupid head is in my way.

Ash leans over, whispering not-so-quietly to me. "Did you see that hunk of walking fucking sex? Damn," she says, voice starstruck and eyes filled with hearts. "Men don't affect me all that often but imagine if I could sneak him into bed."

I suck in a breath, standing on my tiptoes to look between Todd and Sal's heads. All I can see is the right side of the knight's face, but that alone is satisfying to me. "I'd sleep on the couch so long as at least one of us got to get with that. He's beautiful," I admit, sending Ash a sideways glance. She giggles, nodding her head in agreement.

"Who's got you two twitterpated?" Larry asks, winking at me when I look over. Good use of new vocabulary, Lar.

I nod to the men behind Larry. "If you look behind us, there's an actor dressed as an emo knight, so to speak. He's pretty hot," I tell him.

I could slap men. They live off of one singular, shared braincell. I'll even include Todd in this statement because all three guys turn so hard that anyone else would think they'd all snapped their necks. Keep in mind, all of these actors are just a couple feet behind us so the staring is painfully obvious. 

Ash and I fold in on ourselves, turning to face the daiquiri stand and grumbling to each other about how stupid they all are. Oh, this is terrible. So bad, in fact, that I'm blushing profusely. Yuck.

Sal's the first to speak, shamelessly saying, "Fuck. He's hot as shit."

"I'm not into guys," Larry says, "But he is pretty."

Todd hums in agreement, deciding to stay quiet since he has a boyfriend, of course.

"Just pretty?" Sal hisses, clearly offended by Larry's response to the knight. "Ash is right. That's walking sex." 

Apparently I have to compete with men now too for a fuck. I can't tell if that's a tad disappointing or fascinating.

"Then go get his number or something if you're so shocked by my taste in sex partners," Larry hums. "You're the eternal rizz master. You get any woman and man you set your eyes on. Might as well bag the dark knight."

"Stop it with the Batman references, Larry," Todd says, giggling shortly after.

Larry groans. "Come on! Stop hating on the game, Todd. That was a perfect opportunity."

I hope this line moves quicker. The longer they talk right in front of the topic of discussion, the more horrified I feel. Ash isn't any better either. She's chewing on her bottom lip, face red as a beet as she finally gets an opportunity to run up to the counter and order us all a daiquiri.

The five of us start walking past the group of actors with giant daiquiri swords hanging around our necks. It's almost comical having to do the walk of shame again, but I'm more terrified of the fact that this poor man probably knows that we were all fawning over him.

We're almost out of dodge but someone calls out to The Faces. We all simultaneously turn, quaking like leaves on dead tress because that definitely came from the group of actors.

And there's Mr. Emo Knight, walking toward us in all his glory with an excited little grin on his handsome face. 

I'm going to vomit.

He walks up to Sal and Larry and shakes their hands, sharing quick introductions. Then the knight looks past them and at Ash, Todd, and me. My heart skips a beat in childlike elation when his gaze lingers on me.

"Oh, hey," he says in a surprised tone. "VioletViolence! I've seen pictures of you online for the past couple days. You're even prettier in person."

My entire body tenses up with excitement and I struggle to hold back the huge smile that wants to rip my face apart. This is phenomenal. Good job, y/n. I don't know what I did to deserve the compliment, but I'm glad I did it.

"Oh, thanks!" I tell him. In a stroke of confidence, I say, "You're pretty, too." 

I want to rip up the floorboards and make a shrine for this guy when a light blush paints his cheeks. To think that I've done absolutely nothing but stand for a picture and he's already blushing over a compliment from me. That's incredibly encouraging.

"Thank you," he says bashfully, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Could I get a picture with all of you? If you don't mind, of course."

"We don't mind at all," Sal jumps in to say, already moving closer. "You look cool as hell, man."

I narrow my eyes at Sally Face. How do I read this play? Is he jealous or is he trying to steal this guy from me? I can't tell. 

"Thanks," the knight says, scooting in beside Sal so we can all take a picture with him. One of the other actors does the honors, snapping a few quick photos. 

We separate after a moment and Sal breaks the silence by saying, "We should grab a drink so you can tell me about those tournaments. I was thinking about trying out some new things and maybe horses are the way to go."

It's almost fool proof. So good that I choke on the sip of strawberry daiquiri that's halfway down my throat. Larry wasn't kidding. Obviously I'm unfortunate proof of it, but Sal really can pull anyone he wants.

"Ah, I wish I could," the knight says a bit awkwardly. "We have another tournament coming up in about fifteen minutes though."

Oh, that's a burn. I wince over the rejection simply because it's so obvious that the knight is lying. If they had another tournament, they wouldn't be buying heaps of alcohol. 

I chew on the inside of my cheek as Ash's eyes go wide. Larry turns around to face Ash, Todd and I while trying to hold back a laugh, his face perfectly mimicking the red shade of his daiquiri. Todd wiggles his nose, sniffing quietly. That's funny to see-- he's trying to hold back his reaction too.

Sal's lucky he wears a prosthetic because it can hide anything he's feeling. That is, as long as he's able to keep his emotions out of his eyes.

"Yea, that's no problem!" Sal responds, shaking off the rejection like a pro. "You guys have a good night."

Larry's already snickering as we continue our walk out of Excalibur, and as soon as we cross the threshold of the front door, he and Todd burst into uncontrollable laughter. 

"That was bad, bro," Larry cackles, ruffling Sal's hair. The bluenette shoves his step-brother away from him in response, sending him a pair of aggravated eyes.

"It was worth a try," Sal grumbles. "Hop off my dick. It's not the first time I've been shot down and it won't be the last. No pun intended."

I don't quite understand what the no-pun part is about, but the entire group gasps through giggles that they desperately try to squash down into the depths of their soul. 

"The worst part about him rejecting you was that he would've absolutely gone out with Vi. He was so into her," Todd says after a moment, trying to deflect Sal's most recent comment.

"He only called her pretty. Doesn't mean he wants to dick her down or anything," Sal says in response. Poor guy, he's so jealous that I pulled the hot knight.

We're all walking side-by-side along the entrance to Excalibur, making our way down to the strip instead of catching another taxi. It's evening, fun city lights are on as the sky darkens, and we need to pick up dinner. Not to mention, we have loads of alcohol so why not make our trip back to Caesar's palace eventful?

I tip my head forward to get a glimpse of Sal-- more importantly, to meet his gaze so he can see my smug expression. I want nothing more than to bask in his rejection. 

I see the side of his prosthetic instead-- the bottom half of it is lifted slightly as he sips from his transparent pink straw. It's likely stained from the strawberry daiquiri he has in his hands. His pale, scarred jaw and chin are visible to me, but dark from the shadow of night and his prosthetic. No matter how little I see, I still feel a fluttering in my chest because this is the most I've ever seen of his face. It gives me some kind of theoretical rush-- sets me into a daydream.

His lips are probably tinted red from his drink. His tongue must taste like an inebriating mix of vodka and artificial strawberries. And the shape of his lips, if his teeth are straight or crooked, what kind of nose he has, the curve of his eyebrows. What it would be like to taste him, to feel him in ways that I haven't yet. I could go on forever.

But I shouldn't go on because wanting more from a man who's only willing to give me the bare minimum is setting me up for disaster. He told me himself that I shouldn't expect anything from him. One thing he's failed to do is lie to me, so I'll take his word for it and consider Sal-centered expectations to be detrimental. 

This entire time, I haven't wondered about what he looks like beneath his prosthetic-- not even once. It's like a delayed reaction; now I'm overcome with this horrifying yearning to rip the hunk of plaster off of his face and get a glimpse of the real thing. I was fine literally two hours ago, so what's changed? It's not because he's been kind to me because he hasn't shown any emotion that could resemble kindness at all. 

Maybe it's the fact that I'm leaving Las Vegas tomorrow and my brain is just subconsciously reminding me of my dwindling time here. 

"So anyway, since Sal's butt-hurt," Larry says, interrupting the silence that had overtaken the group. And it was never truly quiet, just felt like it. Cars were still zooming beneath the walkways under our feet, people were still bustling about, music still swelled in the air around us-- but we were all caught up in our own heads. "Let's play a game. Vi is the victim since we virtually still know nothing about her."

I swallow, leaning back so that Sal is out of my view before he can turn to look at me with those evil eyes of his. I don't need to be pining after him anyway-- this is just a nice agreement he and I have. That's all this will ever amount to and that's perfectly fine. No strings, no attachments. Just casual sex, hopefully. If we ever fucking get there.

I turn my attention to Larry. "There isn't much to know," I murmur. I have to be worried about this, not Sal. Larry's trying to quiz me because he thinks this is our first time meeting. I have to be careful. "What kind of game do you want to play?"

Larry slurps his daiquiri loudly, gaining the attention of a few people around us. "Got any weird kinks? Guilty pleasures? Fun scars? Creepy interests?"

My eyebrows raise of their own accord. I'm not sure if these questions are an opportunity for him to relate and feel better about his own odd interests, but I'm a little shocked. Where do I start and what do I keep to myself?

"Um, no weird kinks that I know of--" I start to say, but Ash holds a hand up to my face and slaps her palm against my mouth. 

"Liar," she proudly yells. "You are such a degradee."

Heat envelops my entire body. Why did she have to say anything? Keep it in the fucking bag or something-- anything.

"Come on, Ash," Todd huffs. Oh, thank you, sweet angel. If anyone has my back, of course it would be Todd. "We already know Vi's into degradation."

My gaze snaps to Todd and my mouth falls open. So much for trust.

The situation is hilarious, honestly, but also mildly concerning. Am I so submissive that I wordlessly scream it to everyone? Since when have I become this people-pleasing monster? 

I choke on an embarrassed laugh, staring at my feet as we walk. My cheeks are flaming and I really just want Thanos to snap his fucking fingers right now.

"Fuck all of you," I sniffle, eyeing my giggly friends. I can't be mad-- this is all in good fun. Still can't wait to get back to the hotel and disappear until I have to leave tomorrow though... "And Larry, the best I've got for you is that I got my finger stuck in the lock of my classroom door in fifth grade," I proclaim bashfully leaning over and holding up my hand.

Larry's eyes light up, much like a cat's pupils dilate when they're focused. He grabs my hand and exams it. "Which finger?" he asks, all focused and adorable as he takes a quick sip from his daiquiri.

"This one," I chirp, lifting my middle finger with no shame. 

Larry's smile drops immediately. Then his eyes slowly lift to meet mine, absolute numbness in their chocolatey depths. The nonchalance in his pretty gaze makes a little shiver trickle down my spine. It's both scary and entrancing-- he's just... he's hot...

Larry pinches his lips together then yanks me toward him. My eyes mimic saucers when I trip over my own feet before stumbling into the behemoth of a man. My weight slamming into him pushes him into Sal who snaps at both of us, but I couldn't care less about him when I'm trying not to peel cement with my fucking teeth. 

Larry stabilizes us, holding himself up with Sal-- who's still grumbling-- and grabbing onto my waist to keep me upright. 

I take a breath, gripping onto Larry's thick biceps for dear life. And you know what? I hold onto the moment (his biceps) for a good couple seconds and appreciate it because at least I have an excuse to touch the build that this man has going on. 

So after a second of squeezing this poor mans arms and pretending that I'm recovering instead of literally copping a feel, I furrow my brows and look up at emo buff daddy. He's grinning down at me nervously. 

"I swear I just wanted to intimidate you a bit," he snickers, finally releasing me from his hold.

I say a silent, solemn farewell to Larry's arms then huff. "By throwing us into oncoming traffic?" I snort. "That's not intimidation. That's a literal trip to the pearly gates, my brother in Christ."

Larry looks off to the side, upside down smile on his faces as he hides his hands in his pockets. He knows he's guilty.

"But... do you actually have a cool scar then?" Larry asks after a moment, finally falling into step with the rest of us who walk the strip. 

I purse my lips. "Not really. I have scars, just not cool ones," I admit. If I've ever gotten a cut or gash, it's always healed pretty quickly. Most of my childhood scars faded years ago and the ones that stayed have no interesting meaning. "Do you?" I ask, leaning forward to send him a smile. I'm able to see Sal again, but he looks aggravated now. Daiquiri dangling from his fingers as he looks out at the city.

I lick my lips before looking back up at Larry. Ignore the brooding little bitch, y/n.

"Um," Larry trails off, sucking on the straw of his daiquiri in an almost suggestive way. Even Todd looks over to raise an eyebrow. "Me and Sal have matching scars."

My eyebrows raise. That's interesting. "What, was it like a brothers pact?" I giggle. 

Sal looks over now, his eyes meeting mine. He looks angry though, much angrier than he did just seconds ago. Something tells me this is a story that he never wanted out for prying ears. That makes it all the more intriguing. 

"No, it was actually pretty stupid," Larry swipes at his nose and looks off to the side. "Sal hates this story so much because it landed both of us in the hospital."

Hm, hospital tales with The Faces. Sal's reaction was fishy up until Larry mentioned that it was just a stupid little thing in general. I'm a little desperate at this point-- I need to know more. "Tell me about it," I chirp, looking out at the city lights around us. We're walking up to The Venetian now. I have some strange feeling that we're all going to try to sneak past this building pretty quickly after what happened earlier-- especially since we're still in paint-covered tactical gear.

"Hold on," Ash jumps into the conversation, pointing at an Irish Pub a little further down the street. "We're grabbing dinner there. Take out. All the same order. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm ready to get home." She leans over and snatches Todd's wrist. "And fruit roll-up is coming with me."

I watch Larry turn his attention to Ash. "Just as long as you get me some kind of alcohol," he says, grinning all the while. He's going to get so slammed.

Larry is an odd specimen. Of course, we all know that, but he has this kind of aura about him that's so different from the rest of The Faces. He's such a welcoming person-- you look at him and want to trust him with everything. But it's also incredibly obvious that he's devious and chaotic to the core. He'll keep everyone's secrets safe, but he'd probably commit homicide too, I think.

Larry turns to me as Ash rushes ahead of us. There's this gleam in his eyes that screams excitement and focus. 

"So I'm gonna spare you the confusing details because Nockfell is just... in a state of sin constantly. You'd be so lost if I told you why exactly this happened," the man waves me off, smacking his lips and looking off to the side. I look up at him with raised eyebrows, patiently waiting. If I'm being honest though, I want to know the confusing details. What was going on in Nockfell?

"Larry, can you not?" Sal bites out. "You tell this story constantly. Just give it a rest. Not everyone wants to talk about scars."

"Sir," Larry scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. He looks down at Sal beside him, giving the blue-haired gremlin a 'try-me-bitch' look. "You can go and be insecure somewhere else because I fucking love telling this story. And Vi wants to hear about it, obviously." He turns to me and grins, showing off his sweet, little gap-toothed smile. "Look at that precious face. It's so eager." Larry grips onto my masked cheeks and drags me toward him. 

My heart jumps into my throat when Mr. Metal-Head himself winks at me before dipping his head down to kiss the nose of mask. I can't feel his lips, but just the fact that he's so close to me and showing me this type of care through physical touch makes my cheeks heat up. Makes my fingers go numb. Makes my thoughts race out of my body, skittering along the pavement in excitement-- all with love hearts littered about them. If romantic love were a thing between him and I, things would be much different right now. But this feels more like... I'm a princess and he's my devoted, caring knight. Instead of kissing my hand, he brought his feelings to the very tip of my nose.

This is twitterpated.

Sal and Larry start bickering as soon as the little peck is done and over with. While they do their step-brother thing, I mull over Larry's small token of affection. That kiss meant so much even though our skin never touched. Did Sal feel the same way even though our lips were still separated by his prosthetic? Did he feel like he was cared for, loved? Was he high off the prospect of someone actually wanting to kiss him, innocently or lovingly, just like I am right now? 

I almost feel bad. To have all of that mental opportunity ripped away from him the moment it was revealed that I was VioletViolence. Sal must have felt terrible. Maybe... maybe he's actually justified in hating me.

"So anyway," Larry grips my shoulder, making me flinch in surprise. I turn my gaze up to him, meeting Sal's frustrated, glaring blue eyes for just a moment in the process. I'm going to think about how bad I must have made him feel all the time now. 

"Sal and I were running, right." Larry leans forward, swiping his hand horizontally before us. I follow his pretty hand that's littered with patchwork tattoos. "Midnight, pitch black outside." Larry tilts his head, pinches his lips to exemplify these points. I simply nod. "Nockfell has this giant forest that's super thick, 'kay, thicker than your juicy thighs, in fact." His eyes snap to me and I have to turn away while my mind runs rampant again. I can't stand Larry, but in the best way.

"Before you get to the forest though," he continues. "There's this old fence that's lined with barbed wire. My guess is to protect old farms from predators and whatever. But Sal and I were young and thought we could simultaneously clear this six foot fence like fuckin' track stars." Oh. I kind of get where this is going-- they were idiots, basically. This story also lines up perfectly well with what Sal told me earlier. I'm incredibly relieved to hear that his scar story was true. This also means that I have no unnecessary stress regarding him and his well-being. Not that I should worry about that to begin with.

"So next thing you know, Sal and I are hooked by our calfs and ankles on the top of this fence. Ripped us up. We couldn't get free, so we were just kinda hanging upside down on this fence for like thirty minutes until Henry came to pick us up." Larry breaks off into scattered giggles while trying to finish the story, meanwhile my stomach threatens to leap out of my body. I feel sick.

"Larry, shut up," Sal mumbles again. "You don't have to give so much detail." 

He's so fucking guilty and it shows.

"Come on, bro," Larry chortles, giving Sal a light shove. "It was so stupid, I still laugh about it every time. Look," the man turns back to me and stops walking. He bends down and grabs the edge of his black cargo pants. He yanks them up over his knee and shows off this gnarly, jagged scar on the back of his calf. It's a couple inches long for sure-- must have been deep. "Sal's is on his ankle. We were actually pretty worried he might have sliced his tendon. I remember screaming and yelling at him about how he would never walk again," Larry snickers, pushing his pant leg back down.

I gulp, forcing a smile onto my face. I don't have it in me to laugh at the story. Not when I know that Sal lied to my face about the scars on his thigh earlier. 

I'm battling myself. Sal and I aren't close-- he doesn't have to tell me at all if he wants. His mental health and his scars are his business, not mine. It's my fault for feeling so torn up about it. I feel like it's my job to save everyone, but I forget that not everyone wants saving. That, and I just can't save everyone in general. 

I don't have a God complex, I just have this unbeatable savior complex that I'm still at war with to this day. I need to get over myself-- not everyone is going to trust me with their secrets. Not everyone needs me. Not everyone will like me. Literally, this tracks with Sal and I's timeline. And besides, if he's ever having mental struggles, I'm sure he trusts Larry, Todd, and Ash enough to seek them if he needs help. I don't have to worry.

I catch Ash rushing toward us with her arms full and Todd trailing behind her with a bag full of God knows what.

"That's a silly story," I finally speak up, smiling up at Larry who gives me this devious little grin. I really just need to ignore the conversation I had with Sal earlier. It was never my business in the first place. "I don't have any cool scars, but I did have something similar happen." I shrug, patting the side of my hip. "Got a fish hook stuck in my side. Pulled it out on my own because I was afraid to get in trouble."

I'll actually never forget the day I yoinked my dads fishing pole with the intention of developing my rad fishing skills all to accidentally yoink myself in the end. I'm just lucky the hook was unused prior to getting stabbed into me. The story is mainly to help me forget about Larry's right now though. 

"Perfect timing," Larry whispers excitedly. He crosses over to stand in front of me and my brows furrow in confusion. "I can finally get on my knees for you."

"Nope," I spit out immediately, taking a step away. I'm too insecure and timid for that-- his sweet nose kiss was more than enough. This man needs to have mercy on my hopelessly romantic and decrepit soul.

Larry rolls his eyes. "Fine. But I do want to see. Plus, it's an excuse to finally see your tattoo."

I purse my lips. That's risky. I'll have to lift up the edge of my bra strap for that and I'm a little nervous about being so open.

Ash pops up beside me though. "I just bought, like, thirty jello shots. You fuckers better start throwing some back while I throw this ass back and get laid by a pretty bitch." These words come out in one breath and Ash never breaks her nonchalant facade as she holds a bag out to me.

"Can I be the pretty bitch?" I ask with a smile, sidetracked as I look into the bag to find a plethora of multi-colored plastic containers full of alcoholic jello.

"I thought that was the plan from the start, beautiful," Ash purrs, stealing my attention. I glance up at her, noting the playful little gleam in her bright green eyes and the smirk playing on her full, glossy lips. 

I swallow thickly, frowning at how easily I end up falling into these traps that my friends set out. They're too attractive. 

"Give me one of those," I murmur, fishing out a handful of shots from the bag to distract myself, and hopefully everyone else, from how shy I've suddenly gotten over a little bit of Ash's shameless and effective flirting.

"Yea, share-- but fuck off, Ash," Larry sneers. "Vi's mine. Stay away." He grabs both of my shoulders and walks me a step closer to his chest. I cannot be fucking doing this right now. I feel like I'm snorting coke just from being stuck between two of the hottest people I know-- and I've never even done drugs.

I open the top of an orange flavored jello shot then very quickly down the contents. Sal's hiding behind Larry right now, but I'm still able to see half of him. And he watches me go through all five stages of grief as soon as the flavor settles on my tongue.

I swallow quickly then choke on the leftovers, making the most disgusted face possible. It burns, and it tastes awful. So not worth it. That was a good reminder as to why I shouldn't consume alcohol in the first place. 

"Ash," I splutter, traumatized and betrayed. "These are terrible. I'm sorry but... it's bad. Try one," I say, popping the lid off another and shoving it toward her. This one's green.

Ash doesn't say a word, just wraps her pretty fingers around the container and takes the shot like a pro. She doesn't even flinch. All she does is contemplate it for a moment then shrug at me "Tastes like alcohol." 

I roll my eyes. At least she doesn't care all that much-- the shots won't go to waste. 

I turn to Larry, intent on finally pulling up my shirt for him as we start preparing to walk again. But when he finally enters my field of vision, his arms having left my shoulders a few moments ago, I notice five empty containers stacked in his palm. If pregaming was a person, it would be Larry.

I blink at the man, then look up to see him quite literally tonguing a very clearly empty container. I don't know what more he's looking to get out of it, but at least he has some good work ethic.

Larry catches my eyes and pauses, tongue buried in the plastic like he's looking for water after going days without it. It's pretty comical.

He quickly pulls the plastic away from his face and swipes his hand along his mouth. I press my lips together to hold back giggles.

"Here," I say, lifting the edge of my shirt and bringing it up to right under my armpit before I can think harder about it. The one shot I had isn't even enough to give me a buzz, but assuming it'll have some kind of affect on me later gives me false confidence. I'll walk this fear off like a pro.

I lean over to look at my side, noting the small and uneven crescent shaped scar right under my ribs. Then I grab the very edge of my bra strap and move it, revealing the top half of my tattoo so everyone can get a good look at everything if they so wish.

Larry bends over, hands on his knees as he inspects my bare side. "Nice to know we officially aren't being catfished," he murmurs, eyes glancing over every inch of my skin. He's way too close.

I gape down at him. "Did you really think I was someone else all this time?" I ask, swallowing down that statement when I realize how much of a hypocrite I am. Because I am someone else.

Now that I'm leaving tomorrow, I just suddenly feel so guilty for tricking and deceiving everyone.

I run my tongue along the surface of my teeth, looking at anything but Larry as he lightly rubs his fingertips over the words engraved into my skin. His touch tickles, but I try not to pay any mind to it-- especially when Sal's eyes are glued to my waist from a couple feet away too. He watches me shamelessly, all while I fall apart on the inside. 

"You're bruised here, Vi," Larry murmurs to himself, pressing on another part of my skin that makes me wince. It's sore, for sure. I try to see if Sal has some kind of reaction because we all know it's his fault.

His bright eyes look emotionless from over here. The splashes of neon orange and green on his black tactical gear brings out the cerulean color of his hair and the midnight blue of his irises. He's so pretty in such a unique way. Watching him look at me feels like I'm gazing at something forbidden, like I'm not supposed to catch him with his focus directed at me. It feels secretive.

But all of him feels like this one, giant secret that I'm not supposed to figure out. His prosthetic, his scars, his life story. I don't know any of it and I shouldn't. My brain is hardwired to understand things that confuse me, and Sal really confuses me. He also really pisses me off, but there has to be some kind of reason as to why he's so angry with me to begin with.

I have so much I want to figure out and so little time, so little trust. So little self-confidence. Things are fine right now-- Sally Face is silent, Todd is too. Larry is running his fingers over my skin and Ash is resting her chin on my shoulder, watching Larry. I should be enjoying my time. So why am I regretting my decisions and worrying about someone who couldn't care less about me?

_______

A/N::::::: HIIIIIII sorry it's been so long babies... college :(

i have soooo so much planned for this story right now. i've been writing a lot, i just have to write in short spurts because i also have so much school work to get done. i miss getting to write for hours soooo freaking much!! 

fair warning, next chapter is smutty again >:) i'm excited. I'M ALWAYS EXCITED TO WRITE FOR YOU GUYS AHHHH

anyway, i love and miss everyone so much, so deeply!! have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening/night <3333

p.s. emo casino knight is actually a real person but we're not gonna talk about that hehe....

[mysticalibra1994]

Pokemon, Japan, and Neurodivergency

So, ever since I heard (recently) about Satoshi Tajiri having a special interest in collecting bugs (and is confirmed to have autism), this got my interest piqued for the new game(s) of Pokemon (mostly Violet for personal reasons). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You see, ever since my diagnosis of ADHD as a little kid, it felt like I was the last person on Earth who had it. However, when she was alive, my mom was the only person who understood what I was going through during my struggles.

From before to middle school, I was medicated for it. But, ever since they increased the mg on it, I had my first dizzy spell in my middle school library. When I told my mom about it, she weaned me off of it. Ever since I lost her at age 12, it felt like someone hit a huge reset button and I had to start my life all over. High school wasn't easy with it, either. It felt like I only had one nice teacher; my History teacher. Of course, this may be a bias due to History being one of my favorite subjects (Art and Reading). But I believe that it's more than that, I had a teacher who never berated me for showing signs of ADHD.

Unfortunately, I had to change schools because the staff knew that I was struggling, but they didn't do anything to help. Of course, I've felt saddened having to say goodbyes to my friends, but what's done is done...

During my first enrollment in this new school, I was a little nervous and afraid that it would be a repeat... But it wasn't! I actually felt accepted! No, more than that. I felt normal without even trying... My own version of "normal". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now, you may be wondering "What does this have anything to do with Pokemon Violet?". Well, it has something to do with the headcanons of the students being neurodivergent.

1.) Nemona - There are some headcanons of her being on the spectrum because battling is her hyperfixation and she simply wants to share it with the people she truly cares about. Also, she may have some physical therapy for her arm due to her brace/compression glove.

2.) Arven - "He's off in a flash, the second something new crosses his mind". Stop me if that sounds familiar... Also (depending on the version of the game), he has mother/father issues and his Pokemon/dog being sick/injured (and maybe at that age...), we could tell that he truly cares deeply for his emotional support Pokemon...

3.) Florian/Julianna - Since we're playing as these characters, who's to say that they're not as neurodivergent as us?

In fact, who's to say that Naranja/Uva University has the majority of neurodivergent students with understanding/supportive staff?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now for something serious...

In Japan, having an open and honest discussion of the importance of mental health is considered taboo. Instead, they have a store that sells syringe charm necklaces, pill capsule earrings, and T-shirts with words like "Sweet Death" or "Please, Help me!" in Kanji and pastel glitter. The main reason why they refuse to talk about it is to "save face" (or "to avoid embarrassment"). Think about how it was never easy to bring up our neurodivergencies to others...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With all of that set in mind, I believe that playing video games that have support characters with unspoken neurodivergent behaviors and main characters who fit into the "silent protagonist" trope is the only way for people like us (neurodivergent people who are afraid to ask for help due to personal reasons) to escape the harsh realities of the fact that we KNOW that the world isn't made for people like us.

[alpydk]

Cabinet of Oddities (Part 12)

TavxGale (Custom)

Angst incoming again - Feeling in a slump recently writing-wise.

Ao3 Link Ao3 link (Full)

Summary: “Oh, but this sounds so much more personal than that. Maybe our little redhead has had her own dealings with the Lady of Magic, hm?” She glared at him as if to tell him to drop the subject and turned back to the piles of books looking for anything to take her mind off her thoughts. “A for Azure, Antimagic aura, Mystra. How can I trust? How will I ever know? / How can I show myself, my darkest me?” Nana slammed the book back down on the table in front of her. “Is nothing in this tower just normal!?” she shouted loudly. 

.“…Mystra.”

Nana’s heart had broken as she heard the name. Of course, those words could not be meant for her. Nana who had kept everything from him, who had almost got the man she was falling in love with killed. Nana the monster. She had returned to her tent fighting back the tears before falling into a restless slumber.

“My sweet little mask.” His voice stirred her and this time she did not resist him. She threw her arms around him as she sobbed. I missed you, why did you leave me? Why did you have to die?  Thomas stood taken aback. His golden studded armour shone under the glowing of the astral planes that surrounded them. “Do not cry. You are stronger than this.”

His words confused her. She tried to shake the thoughts that plagued her, the memories of the deception that had occurred after his death, of the time when she had lost herself completely to him. She released her grip on him and stood looking at the man she once knew. The scar across his eye was the same, his half smile which had lured her in so many times before. He stared at her with the steel-toned eyes which brought her such security. Everything was the same, so why couldn’t she just accept him?

“You haven’t been using the parasite's potential. You think you don’t need it.” Thomas’ voice was as cold as it always had been. A soldier used to giving orders had meant that Nana had always felt compelled to listen to him, to trust him. But she couldn’t shake the memories.

She stepped back from him as he spoke. “Who are you?”

“You know who I am, sweet mask. I’m here to protect you.” His voice continued. He spoke of the tadpole, of how useful it would be in aiding her, of how a battle was raging, and of how she needed to continue to the Shadowlands. You’re not him. “You must trust me,” he spoke, hearing his concerns.

She woke in her tent, the smell of the Underdark filling her nostrils, earth and fungus. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and left for the campfire. Wyll was already awake and offered a cup of something warm and fruity smelling.

“Same dream?” He asked knowingly.

She nodded, unable to find the words to explain what she had seen. She took a sip of the liquid he had offered, sickly sweet, and placed the cup aside. Nana turned her view towards Gale’s tent. “How is he doing?”

“Better but he needs to rest today. I’ll be staying with him whilst you explore the tower.” Wyll hesitated a moment before speaking further. “It wasn’t your fault, with what happened. It was but an unfortunate accident. You know that, don’t you?”

Nana looked over at him. She couldn’t accept what he had said but she didn't have the energy to argue with him. “When he wakes up… Could you tell him that I’m sorry?”

Wyll gave her a smile. “You can do that yourself when you get back.”

-----------------------------------------------

Lenora’s tower. The deep loneliness in the air could be felt by all as if a dark shroud hung over the area. Books and letters were found but there was no sign of the occupier. Nana turned over a letter and read out loud. “...That I would be called back to Baldur's Gate to confer with the other clerics of Mystra.” She knitted her brow with frustration. “Mystra… Of course, it has to be bloody Mystra.” 

“Having some troubles with the Goddess, are we darling?” Astarian playfully spoke. “Or is it all the gods?”

Nana grit her teeth trying to avoid the venom she wanted to spill. This goddess had cursed Gale, groomed him, loved him, and discarded him like he was nothing but a broken plaything, and yet still he loved her. She breathed deep pushing down her anger. “I guess I’ve just never understood the devotion to them. They never answer no matter how much a person pleads, they never help, they’re never there-” Her voice was rising, growing more high pitched, more irritated. “-so why are people so blindly loyal to them?”

“Now now, dear. No need to get so emotional.” Astarian gave a tap of her arm and watched as she tensed up. “If it makes you feel any better, I agree with you on this, although maybe not as passionately.” He smiled over at her suggestively. “I am, however, a little surprised though. I didn’t think you’d be one to question another's personal beliefs.”. 

Nana caught herself before another wave of frustration was released. “They can believe what they want, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” She was short with him, her temper briefly showing through.

“Oh, but this sounds so much more personal than that. Maybe our little redhead has had her own dealings with the Lady of Magic, hm?”

She glared at him as if to tell him to drop the subject and turned back to the piles of books looking for anything to take her mind off her thoughts. “A for Azure, Antimagic aura, Mystra. How can I trust? How will I ever know? / How can I show myself, my darkest me?” Nana slammed the book back down on the table in front of her. “Is nothing in this tower just normal!?” she shouted loudly. 

They explored the rest of the area mostly in silence and thankfully it had remained uneventful, nothing but battling a few constructs and collecting mushrooms. Nana had mumbled to herself throughout about her dislike of the Underdark. “It’s just too dark. Would it kill them to just dig upwards? Maybe let a little sunlight down here?” The party made their way back to camp glad that their days in the area were coming to an end, and yet concerned about what the following part of their journey would bring.

-----------------------------------

Astarion followed her as she entered her tent. “May I join you?”

He saw her think it over before relaxing onto the bedroll. “Go ahead. It will actually be nice to talk to someone who lies to my face for a change.”

“Oh darling, would I ever lie to you?” He sat down next to her innocently placing a hand on her arm. He noticed that she bristled at his touch but had made no attempt to move away from him. He was trying to provoke her, trying to engage her as had before the party.

She spoke, her voice was as if she had given up the fight, weak and spiritless. “Astarion, what is it that you want from me? I don’t have spells, I don’t have a connection to a devil, hells I don’t even have the arms to lift a great axe. Why would you even want to be around me?”

He turned over the thought. What was it he wanted from her? It had all originally been about protection, about not having to watch his back around another member of the party, especially one who was initially so unhinged, but now, after this long? He wasn’t sure. He removed his hand from her and gazed at her trying to figure it out. “Honestly, I’m not so sure.”

He watched as her face lowered and he considered leaving, her usefulness questionable, before he heard her voice. “I didn’t always hate the gods, you know.”  

He turned to her. Now this was interesting. This was much more than mindless banter and swooning. This he could actually relate to. “Hate?”

She nodded. “I used to be like anyone else, I accepted that the gods were there and if I ever needed help I’d just pray and they would come. That’s how it was meant to work, right?”

“That’s what people say. In my own experience, none of them answer.” He thought back to his years under Cazador’s hold, the nights of torture and the many many gods whom he had called out to. And yet nothing had changed, he had still been a slave, tortured and beaten with no hope of redemption.

“And that’s how it was for me too. It didn’t seem to matter what I offered, who I prayed to, or how many tears I shed over their altars, they all remained silent. As if they were mocking me.” She brushed back her hair as she spoke. He watched as the red locks were pushed out of her face only to fall back again instantly. This wasn’t to help her in any way, it was to distract him from the words she spoke.

He couldn’t help but see her differently now. She wasn’t just some ditzy idiot they had grown to put up with. Was this all an act, a ploy, just as cunning as his own charming persona? “And so something else answered, didn’t it?”

He noticed the look in her eyes change briefly as if the walls had gone back up, a topic touched that she was not willing to indulge in, and then again appeared the empty-headed smile he’d grown so familiar with. “You make it sound like I found myself a patron. Haha, I didn’t.” She grinned at him and he finally knew. His defences had been flirting, jokes, and even aggression. Hers were different, she acted positive and gave people the image that they wanted to see, she deflected everything thrown at her. But now he knew she was hiding something and it would only be a matter of time before he figured out what her secret was.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for just doing what makes me happy?

Okay so like, recently i (adultM) met up with my ex (adultM) after we hadn’t talked for like, a while. the last time we had spoken it hadnt been very good. we kinda left off in a bad place and he wanted to reconnect and make up and stuff, which was cool and I was totally down for! On a completely unrelated note, i have recently made a list of people that i want to kill at least once (you can kill people like, a bunch of times before they really die and even then they can be brought back, plus you can get more lives by killing other people so its really not a big deal IMO) and he’s on the list because he ignored me one time. i told him about it as a kind of warning so it wouldn’t be a surprise when i did end up killing him (which i was not planning to do during our meetup btw), which was really nice of me honestly, but he was upset about it, which was like, fair i guess, but it’s literally not really even about him because i have so many other people on that list. Some of them havent even done anything wrong, i just kinda wanna kill people. like it’s literally just a hobby of mine. he said that it was really messed up that i kill people for fun, but like, some of his friends have literally killed me multiple times so i dont see how its any different just because they were motivated by revenge or to get more hearts/lives. they were still killing someone for the sake of their own satisfaction. plus i dont really care if its messed up, i’m having fun and if other people have a problem with it then they can kill me themselves and get their hearts back. i don’t even have that many, like, i’m not particularly strong and ive lost nearly as many battles as ive won. It’s not like im a tyrant terrorizing those weaker than me or anything (which by the way is something that he knows lots about, he hasn’t exactly always been a saint), im literally just having fun, and to be honest i’m happier than ive ever been! but he kept talking about how ive ‘changed’ and how i ‘used to be happy’, which by the way is literally not true. the ‘me’ that he used to know was literally a paranoid wreck who couldnt go five minutes without questioning every single decision hed ever made. like yeah i was happy sometimes and don’t get me wrong i did love him and our other boyfriend a lot, but overall that was not a happy time for me. anyway then he got his friends to jump me and i died which was honestly really funny and awesome but also kinda makes him a hypocrite. like idk i just feel like he’s trying to claim some kind of moral high ground when literally everyone here sucks. So yeah AITA?

edit: thanks for all the responses weighing in on my situation! unfortunately i got bored waiting for people to respond and in the meantime i put a bomb inside of his house. so uh sorry to everyone who was telling me to be a better person

[minho-hoho]

caring for you

GENRE fluff PAIRING bf!Jeongin x gn!reader WARNING not proofread yet REQUESTED yes WC 0.7k NOTE damn why do i suck at fluff 🥴

MASTERLIST

your head sat on the palm of your hand as you watched your boyfriend sleep. his cheeks and nose were painted a hot shade of red, making him look cute despite his state.

you had warned him to wear warm clothes, the icy cold of the winter was ruthless, and wouldn't hesitate to attack him if it got the chance, but jeongin was too stubborn to listen to you, and believed he was stronger than the weather.

unfortunately, he lost the battle, and he was now sick, devoid of any energy.

while all of this could have been avoided, had he listened to you, you weren't heartless, and you loved him with all of your being. and as result, you decided to act as his own personal caretaker until he recovered fully.

for now, your only task was to make sure he was sleeping soundly, and that he got some rest, to which you were doing an amazing job at, until jeongin woke up.

“y/n~~” your boyfriend whined. you couldn't help but melt at his cuteness.

“yes, baby?” you answered, taking his hand in your own.

“can i have some water please?” he asked, his eyes barely opened.

“i'm on it, do you want anything else with it?” you squeezed his hand.

“umm, could i have the medicine?”

“of course you can, i'll be right back.” you smiled as you gave him a small kiss on the back of his hand.

and so, you did exactly what he asked for. you were glad you could help him when he needed it, it wasn't often he got sick, and much less often he asked for your help.

you entered the room a bottle of water in your hand and the medicine in the other. jeongin was seated on the edge of the bed, patiently waiting for you, warm blankets surrounding him.

“here's your order mr.” you said, a small smile on the corner of your lips.

he thanked you, he took a sip of the water and took his pain relievers. you watched him attentively, eyes full of love.

“do you want to do anything, or would you rather sleep some more?”

he hesitated, thinking about anything he would like to do with you at the moment. as if a light bulb illumated on top of his head, he answered, “could we watch a movie? please?” he tugged at your sleeve, a pout forming on his face.

“then movie time it is, i'll get everything ready, you just get cuddled up and choose a movie, okay?” you ruffled his hair as he face shined brightly at your positive answer.

you went into the kitchen, and started to prepare the popcorn, just the way he liked it. you put all of your love and care into those popcorn, wanting to see nothing but see the satisfied smile on his face you loved so dearly.

“have you found anything yet?” you called out to jeongin, checking up on him.

“no, not yet.” you could almost hear him pout.

you chuckled to yourself before continuing, “well hurry up, i'm almost done over here.”

he hummed as a response to you, and you couldn't help but shake your head as you stirred the popcorn.

a few minutes passed and you heard jeongin's pleased voice, “i found it! the perfect movie that will satisfy every one of our senses!”

“if so, i'll be next to you in a minute.” you joined him, a bowl in your hand, before putting on the table next to him.

jeongin extended his arms, signing you to come and join him under the covers. you executed yourself, snuggling up to him.

he grabbed the remote and started to play the movie.

it was a cute and heart-warming movie, its slow pace almost made you fall into slumber. however, you felt a delicate tap on your shoulder, waking you up; you looked at your right to see jeongin looking at you, an enamoured look on his face. he brought you even closer to him, before whispering in your ear, “y/n, i love you”.

writhing after hearing his kind and loving, yet so simple words. fuzzy feelings taking over the dazed and sleepy state you were in, you answered him promptly.

“love you too, baby”

PERM TAG LIST! : @stacey-stonem, @sh1mzu, @axartia, @echantedrose, @leeknowbuttsmasher, @nikipedia07, @deafeningballoonnacho, @scrumptiousphilosopherunknown

[aftercamlann]

ACBB 2022 MASTERPOST

Thank you to all our wonderful writers, artists, beta readers and hype readers who participated in this years After Camlann Big Bang! We hope you will consider participating again this year! Below is the final masterlist for After Camlann 2022:

*** Title: No Night So Dark Author: cithara_ao3 Artist: emhe67 Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon Rating: Explicit Word count: 121,128 Summary: 7 years ago, Arthur banished Merlin after finding out that he possessed magic, destroying the love they had built in the process. Now, with Camelot under threat from Morgana, Arthur swallows his pride and seeks help from the one person he knows he can trust. Merlin reluctantly returns to Camelot - with a son in tow. Arthur must try to make amends for the past while he struggles to reconcile the fact that Merlin's son is connected to him in a way he could never imagine. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: For We Shall Be Kings That Conquered Gods Author: royal_spud Artist: h-l-w aka poisedwalrus Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, Morgana/Leon, Guinevere/Lancelot (mentioned) Rating: Mature Word count: 52,509 Summary:When Arthur races after a lost Merlin the moment he gets word that he's been held captive, a twisted revelation makes his own home a place he cannot return to. And presented with the choice of knowing and not knowing what the future held, and his home, and his people all on the line; the prince of Camelot is torn. Because if he knows, he would submit to the path the gods set for him, damn the consequences, damn the effects it could have on the people he loved. But if he doesn't..... If he doesn't... Arthur can only suppose there is a reason why no one dares to defy gods. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: some fictions we took to mean fate Author: MyKingdomComeUndone Podficcer: st4tic_whisp3r Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon Rating: Teen And Up Word count: 50,590 Summary: Destinies are troublesome things... Merlin has lived with the knowledge of his and Arthur’s shared destiny ever since he came to Camelot two years ago, but an attack during a routine patrol sets in motion a series of events that could make or break the prophesied golden age. Or, Merlin is hit with a curse that takes away his control over his magic, and the resulting revelations force Merlin and Arthur to face their past mistakes and to decide what exactly they want their future to look like. Story is here | Podfic is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Watered Down Author: bgn846 Artist: Viraha Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Rating: Mature Word count: 48,832 Summary: Arthur owns a grand estate in the English countryside and he’s just started a restoration project on the grounds. Unfortunately for him, Merlin is the ‘stickler for rules’ inspector sent out to give him permits and such. What follows may or may not be the worst battle of wills ever conducted. After some mishaps, including a terrible contractor (Cenred), a few misunderstandings, annoying delays, and a near-death experience they do that wonderful enemies to lovers thing. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Before The Tears That Tore Us Apart Author: ladydanielles Artist: Sunfall Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, Lancelot/Gwen (minor) Rating: Explicit Word count: 61,058 Summary: After 1000 years, Merlin has paid his penance waiting for Arthur to return. He combines physics with new age magic to return to Camelot to change fate. This time he wants to honor his own destiny as Emrys, as well as keep Arthur alive. Though, once he alters the timeline, events won’t unfold as he was expecting. Even the greatest sorcerer ever to walk the earth has to face the fact that he can’t alter everything. The wrath of the goddess ensues. (Canon AU after Season 3) Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: alone in the forests of our minds Author: stanzasfic Artist: paintedpigeon Pairings/Characters: Gen, Elyan-centric Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 26,030 Summary: Dwell not on dreams, lest the illusions linger and delay the waking of the sleeper. Seek what lies beyond the mirrored veil. —— Merlin vanishes at an auspicious time in search of a mystical portal that borders the realm of the fae. Elyan embarks on a quest to find out where Camelot’s favorite Court Magician has disappeared to. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Here We Are, Born To Be Kings Author: Pearl09 Artist: muffins_at_sea / The Seaworthy Muffin Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon Rating: Teen and Up Word count: Word Count: 31,365 Summary: Camelot and Albion have long been enemies, ever since Uther announced a ban on magic and Albion opened their arms to the magic users running from the purge. As the feud begins to carry over into the next generation, Arthur can't decide where he stands on the idea of magic as everything he knows has been fed to him from Uther and his hatred for King Emrys. At least there are two people in his life that he can trust as he figures this out: Morgana, practically a sister to him, and his new servant, Merlin, who comes from somewhere outside of the city. They wouldn't hide any big secrets from him, would they? Story is here| Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: My Way Home is Through You Author: lea_ndra Artist: evaelisaa Pairings/Characters: Arthur Pendragon / Merlin Emrys Rating: Explicit Word count: 118,842 Summary: In the 21st century, Merlin Emrys is recovering from his stressful job as a paramedic at his father’s veterinary clinic in Wales. While undertaking a hike of the surrounding area, he stumbles upon a mysterious stone circle that seems to call to him... In the sixth century, King Arthur Pendragon finds a young, confused man in the woods. Even though the stranger doesn’t speak Britonnic, he immediately makes it clear that he thinks Arthur and his knights are a bunch of prats… Displaced in time and burdened with an unexpected new gift, Merlin needs to find his way back home. Meanwhile, Arthur is facing tough decisions of his own, as he too has to choose the path he’s going to follow. Story and Art are here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: A Single Thread Author: tyalangand Artist: aro-tarot Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Cenred Rating: Explicit Word count: 26,214 Summary: When Arthur meets Merlin, he's an adorable, beautiful artist who loves talking about his art and fantasy. He's also in a relationship with Cen. And as Arthur begins to know Merlin better, he soon notices red flags abut Cen and the way he treats Merlin. Until one day, the truth comes to light. Will Arthur be able to help Merlin escape? Will Merlin be strong enough to heal? Story is here | Art is here here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: The Great Sword in the Stone Caper Author: scotscookie Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Rating: Mature Word count: 28,504 Summary: Merlin Emrys met his best friends at a funeral – to be exact at three funerals. After Merlin’s father is killed in action, along with the fathers of Gwen, Elyan and Will, his life changes for ever. With his uncle Gaius to teach him, Merlin becomes a con artist, his friends helping him as they fleece the dishonest and greedy. Several years later, they decide to con Uther Pendragon, using a replica of Excalibur. At least Merlin believes it’s a replica. Story is here | Art is here here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: The Chasm of the Night (and a Matter of Time) Author: Zorbo_Jorks Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur; Gwen/Lancelot; Characters:Morgana, Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, & the Knights of the Round Table Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 34,202 Summary: Morgana was a fluke. If her dreams were correct, she was supposed— fated, if that really existed— to die the day she killed Arthur, with Merlin surviving to trudge out eternity, instead. Destiny, for whatever reason, had failed all of them in that regard. She was forced into immortality, outlasting all she strove so fruitlessly for— helpless as everything withered into legend. Come the 21st Century, Morgana works with the reincarnations of Leon and Elyan at Pembroke Manor, a 1920s-themed improv retreat where groups come to roleplay a murder mystery for the weekend. Morgana is haunted by memories of her past life and continually belabored by a golden dragon for her failings when a surprising group comes to the Manor. Merlin, a young journalist, prepares to go with his boyfriend's improv troupe to Pembroke Manor, unsuspecting that Arthur intends to propose over the weekend. He is taken aback by the mysterious actress playing Lady Pembroke. What appears to be a shocking coincidence for Morgana sparks a cataclysmic transformation for everyone present. Past lives and long-forgotten memories bubble to the surface, and Morgana grows doubtful that she will come out of it unscathed. Story is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Requiem of a Forgotten Prince Author: queerofthedager Artist: kairennart Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur, Gwaine/Elyan, Gwen, Lancelot, Leon Rating: Mature Word count: 86,000 Summary: 'You will forget all that you hold dear,' the sorcerer had vowed before he attacked Arthur, leaving his patrol dead and Arthur achingly thankful that for once, Merlin hadn’t been with him. Well, and he is quite certain that he hasn’t forgotten anything. As it turns out, everyone else has; specifically about him, and that Camelot is supposed to have a crown prince. When Merlin stumbles across him by chance, Arthur should be relieved. And he would be, really—if he hadn’t just been stabbed, and found out that Merlin has magic while he was at it. That Merlin does not remember who he is, either. It all gets a lot more complicated from there on out as Arthur tries to keep his own secrets, deal with the revelations about Merlin, and find a way not only to restore Camelot's memories, but protect it against the threats gathering on the horizon, too. When it rains, it pours; sometimes, the aftermath might just be worth it. Story and Art are here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Stepping into the Wine Dark Sea Author: arete20 Artist: Stanzas Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, Gwen/Morgana, Gwen & Merlin Rating: Mature Word count: 48,644 Summary: 366 BCE Ancient Greece Born poor, foreign, and illegitimate, famous actor Merlin has spent his entire life on the outside looking in. Arthur Pendragon is a young and inexperienced politician desperately trying to prevent a war, leading him to turn to Merlin for help. Guinevere of Athens has secretly been publishing philosophical treatises under a male pseudonym, escaping suspicion. Morgana is a priestess at the Oracle of Delphi, one of the few women in Greece to wield political power, yet still sidelined. One day, Merlin receives a mission that he cannot refuse, one that will draw the four of them together — but could incite a war. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: He Waits in the Woods Author: aro_tarot Artist: serpentinewizard12 Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 35,902 Summary: Seventeen years ago, Arthur found himself lost in the woods. A kind merlin helped him find his way back home, but this wasn’t before his mother went looking for him. She entered the woods at night, and like others in the past, the Beast made sure that she didn’t leave alive. Now Arthur finds himself going back to his old home to start a new life. Though, the past comes back. When Arthur enters the woods during the day, he meets the merlin that helped him all those years ago, and as he starts to get to know this merlin that is actually a man named Merlin, he starts to fall for him. There is danger though. A strange woman starts to follow him around, and as the story goes on, Arthur starts to learn that his mother’s story about the king that died is more than just a bedtime story. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: A Servant of Two Masters Author: chaosgenes Artist: eviko Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Rating: Explicit Word count: 44,197 Summary: Merlin meets a mischievous older alternate future Arthur who doesn’t know how he ends up there. While keeping him secret from the Pendragons, Merlin tries to send him back home while ignoring his suggestions to seduce Young Arthur, which “accidentally” happens many times anyway. Arthur begins to fall for Merlin and tries to help him send the other Arthur home, even if Arthur doesn’t like or trust his future self. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: The Way of the Sun Artist: willowsmarika Pairings/Characters: Ensemble cast Rating: Teen and Up Word count: Art Summary: Edits for the main houses of sparringett's epic Merlin/GoT crossover fic (to be posted later, hopefully). Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: come to burn your kingdom down Author: princessoftheworlds Artist: violetmessages Pairings/Characters: Gwen/Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, past Freya/Merlin, Merlin & Gaius Rating: Explicit Word count: 71,697 Summary: But Merlin had one fatal flaw. When he loved, he loved too deeply, too passionately, too recklessly. When tragedy strikes, DI Merlin Emrys is determined to avenge his ex-fiancée Freya. The targets? Arthur Pendragon and his wife Guinevere, leaders of the infamous criminal gang The Knights. But Arthur Pendragon isn’t as much of a fool as Merlin expects. Knowing Merlin’s reputation for investigating and arresting criminals of all types, he cuts Merlin a deal — help him, and he’ll help Merlin bring Freya’s killer to justice. Except neither Arthur, Merlin, nor Guinevere realize just how tightly entangled they will become, and just how much it will risk everything they have ever known. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: A Witch Hunter in Ealdor Author: thenerdyindividual Artist: kairennart Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, Gaius, Gwen, Hunith, Will Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 46,634 Summary: Merlin's life in Eadlor is quiet. He keeps his head down, or tries to anyway, and spends his day working the land with his mother and Will. Then a peace treaty between Camelot and Essetir brings Ealdor into Camelot's borders. With it comes not only a flock of Camelot knights, but Prince Arthur himself; a man who was magically altered to give him special abilities to track and kill sorcerers. Arthur's duties in Ealdor consist of chasing off bandits, providing aid to the people, and making sure Ealdor follows the law of Camelot. Through a twist of fate, Merlin ends up as Arthur's scribe, and as they work together, Arthur comes ever closer to discovering Merlin's secret. Perhaps the worst part is that Merlin can't bring himself to hate Arthur as much as he should hate someone designed to kill him and his kin. He thinks if things had been different, he and Arthur might have been good friends. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Let Life Be Like Music Author: slantedknitting Artist: feuxx Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur, Arthur/Mithian, Morgana, Gaius Rating: Explicit Word count: 29,262 Summary: Arthur works in finance, but his real passion is music. He plays his piano every chance he gets, pretending that he is on stage in front of an audience and living his best life as a successful musician, even though that can never become a reality. Shortly after moving into a new flat, he receives a note under his door requesting he play a specific piece of music. When he complies, Arthur is shocked to hear his neighbour joining in on the music with their violin. Soon enough, Arthur and his mysterious neighbour are routinely playing their strange duets through the walls of their flats. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Haven Author: paintedpigeon Artist: Alduade Pairings/Characters: Merlin, Leon, Arthur, Gaius, Gwen, Elyan, Morgana, Hunith, Uther, Cenred Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 31,604 Summary: On a mission to provide aid to the Druids after a massacre, Leon and Arthur rescue Merlin, an eight-year-old sorcerer being hunted by Cenred’s men. He settles into Camelot, proving to be popular, adorable, and very magical, but some things can’t stay secret forever. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: One Flesh, One End Author: seadeepy Artist: chan Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, Gwen, Freya, Gwaine, Cenred, Morgause, and others Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 35,710 Summary: A sci-fi/fantasy AU based on the novel Gideon the Ninth, by Tamsyn Muir. Merlin is the greatest necromancer of his generation, with instinctive powers that go far beyond the theorems and equations he’s studied. Arthur is the cavalier sworn to Merlin’s service, wielding a rapier and a general disdain for Merlin’s unusually common birth. The Emperor of their solar system is seeking new candidates to become his immortal servants, and as heirs to the Fourth House, Merlin and Arthur have answered his call. They gather in a long-abandoned mansion on a long-abandoned planet with seven other necromancer/cavalier pairs, and are offered the opportunity to achieve eternal life and unfathomable power. While they initially try to go their separate ways — Arthur explores the dilapidated rooms aboveground, while Merlin pushes himself past his limits in the ominous laboratories beneath the building — the two eventually must acknowledge their connection to each other, discovering that they can only unravel these millennia-old secrets by combining their unique talents. Story and Art are here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: Immortal Kings Author: chaosgenes Artist: eviko Pairings/Characters: Arthur/Merlin, Merlin, Arthur, (Gwen, Gwaine, Morgana) Rating: Explicit Word count: 46,930 Summary: Merlin is magically crippled after going back to the wrong time in medieval Camelot. Arthur lives but an evil Morgana is still in hiding and as Merlin tries to recover his magic, he also attempts to "fix" the past. Never would he have thought that everything would be set against him, even his own king, Arthur. (This is the darker prequel to A Servant of Two Kings but can stand alone.) Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: The Last Night (You'll Have To Be Alone) Author: Glon_Morski Artist: siennavie Pairings/Characters: Merlin & Arthur, Merlin & Mithian, Knights of the Round Table & Arthur, Gwen & Arthur, Merlin, Arthur, Mithian, Gaius, Geoffrey of Monmouth, Gwen, Knights of the Round Table, Several 1-episode-characters Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 127,333 Summary: Emrys Dragongreat is an old man who has been alone for a very long time, and he likes it that way. Arthur Goldraig is an abandoned boy barely thirteen years of age who is just desperately trying to survive on the streets. When the two meet, it is by accident, late on a cold winter evening. For Emrys, it is a regular Tuesday. For Arthur, it is anything but. Their meeting is brief and seemingly insignificant, but there’s something about Arthur that makes Emrys find him again and offer to take him in. The arrangement shouldn't change either of their lives, and Arthur doesn't expect it to. But as time passes, things change. And before either of them know it, they both find in the other what they never thought to have again. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: (extra)ordinary men Author: PetraPan Artist: chaosgenes Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Rating: Explicit Word count: 114,433 Summary: Long ago, Arthur Pendragon hunted down his half-sister, the Witch Queen, Morgana, and rid the world of her evil, but not before she cast a final spell upon him. Now, he has walked the earth over a millennium as the Witch Hunter, not understanding his immortality but embracing his eternal duty to protect humans from witches who believe as Morgana did and follow her old practices. But Morgana’s influence has been rising faster than one man—even an immortal—can keep up with. Arthur knows he needs help to stop it. All he needs is a half-competent witch who can help him understand how Morgana’s power has continued to grow. What he gets, is Merlin. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: As I wander in my time Author: slantedknitting Artist: lfb72 Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Rating: Explicit Word count: 25,263 Summary: Merlin cannot remember Arthur’s face, no matter how hard he tries. It’s simply been too long, and the world has changed too much, and Merlin has changed, too. He happens across a psychic who shows him a vision, and he can very nearly almost see Arthur’s face, but not quite. When the vision ends, Merlin thinks that’s as close as he’ll ever get. Then, while making lunch, he suddenly finds himself somewhere impossible, somewhere that doesn’t exist anymore, sometime that doesn’t exist anymore. But that vision doesn’t last long, either. Until Merlin finds himself back in Camelot again. And again. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here *** Title: While I Kiss The Sky Author: tari_sue Artist: lfb72 Pairings/Characters: Merlin/Arthur Rating: Teen and Up Word count: 77,077 Summary: One night of drunken freedom in Las Vegas leads two men from very different backgrounds into a strange year of pretending to be in love in front of the world, and pretending not to like each other to themselves, their friends, and families. A tale in which you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. Also, Arthur is definitely not Elvis, Merlin is definitely not Marilyn Monroe, and they are both probably clotpoles. Story is here | Art is here | Reblog on Tumblr here

[fcble]

In which Taein gives Mingeun another chance.

FEATURING: Lee Taein, Yoon Mingeun WORD COUNT: 1k SETTING: January 2024 NOTES: Out of my interlude era. I think. We will return to regularly scheduled programming soon. These are, alternatively, perspectives on Mingeun.

“What if I don’t want to sign it?” Mingeun asks for what must be the tenth time in the past two hours. “What if I want to leave?”

Taein kneads his forehead. He’s sorely tempted to tell Mingeun to go ahead and leave if he wants it so badly. He doubts Mingeun would take him up on that offer—he’s always been a bit too desperate for his own good.

“You don’t want that,” he says. They’ve talked in the same, unproductive circles for hours. He knew this was going to be the hardest battle. Intak had said nothing except for a few polite greetings, before silently scrawling his signature across the bottom of his new contract. Haksu and Andrew had negotiated for a bit more, but nothing Taein wasn’t going to give them anyway. A little more freedom was the most obvious thing to ask for. And after all these years, he supposes it’s a reward for their hard work.

Of course Mingeun is a different case. His gaze shifts away, almost as if he’s considering it. “Okay, but what if I did? What else could you give me?”

“That would be a conversation to have if you were considering leaving.”

“Hypothetically—”

“No.” Taein slides the printed contract even closer to Mingeun. It’s dangerously close to slipping off the edge of the table. “No hypotheticals.”

“What did you give everyone else?”

A different tact, then. Had Mingeun not just spent the past month under Daewoong’s constant supervision as a direct consequence for running his mouth in response to an online criticism that would have blown over in time if he left it alone, Taein would generously have offered him the same opportunities for solo work and independence as everyone else. 

“That makes no difference. You’ve lost your chance.”

“I didn’t do anything!”

Taein doesn’t respond. He waits for Mingeun’s statement to sink in. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to happen. Mingeun’s expression remains defiant as ever.

Taein starts to count. “Your inability to adhere to our previous agreement to assimilate with the rest of the group. Your decision to not only begin a relationship with Hwajung-ssi, but be sloppy enough to be caught. Your insistence on competing on Shooting Stars. Your impulsive response to that video. How many chances do you need, Mingeun?”

“Not all of those were my fault.”

“Enough of them were. Consider this your third and final chance.”

“Can I have some time to think about it?”

“Fifteen minutes. You’ve known about this meeting for weeks.” 

This is meant to be a small, under the table deal. Taein’s tactics aren’t exactly legal. Nor are they illegal, but rather, as the kids would put it, a secret third thing. Unethical, if he had to put a name to it. It doesn’t make a difference to him. He’s far from the first person to do something like this.              

“I wasn’t thinking about it,” Mingeun says.

“Obviously. It’s the same contract you signed before you debuted with different dates,” Taein says. He spins his chair around to try to find the original document in the mess of his office. He makes a mental note to ask Yuxuan to try and make sense of the chaos when he has time. 

The minute his back is turned, he hears Mingeun say, “Yah, hyung.”

Taein is a hair’s breadth away from a lecture when he turns back to see Mingeun on his phone, leaning back in his seat with his feet propped up on Taein’s desk.

With distaste, Taein slides the stack of papers nearest to Mingeun’s shoes closer to himself. This is his fifteen minutes of thinking about it, Taein tells himself. Having given up his search for Mingeun’s first contract, he tries to listen in on the phone conversation. It’s difficult because Mingeun is speaking French.

Taein massages his temples. Judging from the cocky grin he can’t seem to keep off his face, Mingeun is doing it on purpose. He’s listened to Daewoong complain about how Andrew and Mingeun speak their own combination of English and French when they want to speak privately with one another—something that’s begun to occur more frequently. Taein thought it was all an exaggeration. 

He waits, placidly, until Mingeun ends his call. He sends his own text message, an apology to Cheolhwan for his increasingly late arrival to their meeting.

“Finished?” Taein asks once Mingeun’s phone disappears back into his pocket.

“You’re giving Intak-hyung a solo.”

It’s half a question and half a statement. Taein inclines his head slightly. “An unpromoted mixtape is different from a solo.”

“Can I have a solo?”

“No.”

Mingeun doesn’t seem too upset about that answer. Taein doesn’t know what the point of asking questions he already knows the answer to is.

“You can sign your amended contract, or you can leave,” he continues. “As soon as tomorrow, if that’s what you so desire. There’s a morality clause in here”—he reaches across the table to flip through the pages—”about refraining from partaking in any actions that could result in public scandal or contempt. Your callous inconsiderations to date and run your mouth are grounds enough for contract termination. As you’re the one in breach of it, you’ll owe the company five hundred million won plus interest, as stipulated in the penalty clause. Consider it a testament to my patience that you have a choice.”

Mingeun stares at him with death in his eyes. Taein isn’t particularly worried. Mingeun is all bark and very little bite. He doesn’t say anything as he turns to the last page and finally signs his name. 

The tension leaves Taein in an instant. “Thank you,” he says, picking up the paper before the ink has fully dried. 

Mingeun stands up with so much force his chair’s feet skid back across the ground. “I did this because I like Fable and Jaeseop-hyung would be disappointed in me if I didn’t.” 

He bows stiffly, some fifteen degrees—not nearly polite enough for an interaction between an employee and his boss.

Before he can leave, Taein interrupts with his final instruction. “Break up with Hwajung-ssi. It’s a distraction to the both of you.”

Mingeun’s expression darkens even further. “That’s my personal life.”

“That’s your livelihood,” Taein corrects. “Chances, Mingeun.”

[destiny-in-the-universe]

current updates + more

Okay so, honestly-

I started feeling a little inspired earlier today and figured I could get some more of my thoughts out- I have a few fanfics in the making, some which are meant to be gifts for people I either follow and/or are my mutuals; there are some which are, of course, meant to be personal ideas I simply decided I wanted to write! Now, I have sort of been in an angst mood as of late but unfortunately a lot of things were happening at the same time and it impaired my ability to write- which is not a great time, mind you though to get the point!

This one is directed to one of my followers and I won't tag them, but they know who they are-

I have been thinking about the tengu! Howard idea I'm working on and holy shit, I can't stop mulling over how it's going to go because not only do I have this not-quite human bird demon about ready to defend his flockmate friend but there's also the actual fight to happen. Now the idea is mostly centered around Howard since Randy is pretty much out for the count during a lot of the fic-

I'm obviously very normal about the tengu! Howard arc because honestly, it should have gotten explored more in canon but that didn't happen which means I'm left having to put pieces together on my own. Now, here's the deal: Howard's link to the tengu and by extent, the Ninja, is a messy, complicated thing-

You have this literal bird demon possessing you, and you're sharing the pain- as is canon, what happens to the Ninja happens with the bird but obviously I am using creative liberty with it and Howard is nothing if not protective of Randy and while it isn't as obvious because, well, it's Howard and our boys are completely dumb of ass- there's the literal fact we've seen Howard lose his goddamn mind every-time something dire happens to Randy and we also see him prone to rage fits

He's never seen Randy truly get hurt as the Ninja until he is and that feeling of flock begins screaming at him- Howard completely loses it, it's as if something deep is burning inside of him and it will come out no matter what. The idea itself is that Howard and Randy are practically soulmates, and well, our favorite orange-coded boy is so upset but he can feel the tengu too

All he can see is the blood. He can hear nothing but the sick thud when Randy- the Ninja hit the ground and now Howard is determined to finish off the Sorcerer (i don't think he's going to kill the Sorcerer, but something will happen-), he feels like he's lost control- filled with rage and panic and determination- and right now, the priority is getting the Sorcerer away from the Ninja because the Ninja is his- no one else can have him

Randy's either unconscious at this point because the suit is trying to save him, or he's weakly trying to get up again- he's not doing so hot and he can't make sense of anything happening, so instead he's just lying there - barely able to move

Randy and Howard are yin and yang, they are soulmates. They're bound to each other, and seeing Randy so weak- unable to do anything- sparks a newfound rage in Howard

I can't specify enough how much this idea is rotating in my brain- I'm trying to work out the introduction scene and I kind of... need help? so if anyone can give me pointers on whether I should start directly with the battle or add a slight bit of 'filler' before it begins, that would be amazing

I might honestly make a playlist for the fic because oh my god- tengu! Howard has so much potential honestly, and I want to shake that puppy up in my teeth but something I also wanted to mention is that I can't imagine how painful it must be that even the Ninja isn't invincible? He's seen Randy take hits before and patched him up, but nothing compares to suddenly seeing him drop like deadweight onto the ground, and the sight of red slowly coming out of his body- and just, Howard can't lose Randy he just can't-

(he feels like there's something rotten in him when he lets the tengu link- sync with his mind and rush after the sorcerer, but if it means his revenge then so be it)

I will be talking about my Kitsune OC and First Ninja story in a completely separate post because I have ideas about that too, but honestly at least one of these fanfictions has to be completed eventually lol- and I have my asks to get through!

Though honestly, I'm going to be writing a lot of angst for RC9GN (like let me see more fanfictions where randy is getting injured, howard's hurt- give me fanfictions where the sorcerer is more powerful). I might do a little thing for my infection AU, but honestly like I have many ideas and not a single one is fully complete- please be patient with me, I'll be done as soon as I can

Things have been a little hectic lately, and well- with my appointment today, which went well actually!, I just haven't had full time to concentrate but without much further ado- I will be signing off for now!

~ Mod Danny

[theambitiouswoman]

I’m new to being back on Tumblr after a lot of years. Your page is everything I used to aspire to do on a platform. I really admire your take on things.

The last year has really put me through a lot. I had a baby in December, my partner and I have both been battling our mental health (he’s bipolar and I have BPD), and in May after 27 years, I found my birth family. This was great for all of 5 seconds, but soon unraveled a very deeply traumatized line of ancestors on both sides- including my dad being unalived by my grandfather before he unalived himself 20 years ago next month.

There’s a lot of other daily nuances I could go into but essentially- I just feel totally taken over by depression, anxiety and a never-ending feeling of being overwhelmed.. and as many times as I feel like I’ve gotten myself out of a bad headspace, this time just feels so overpowering and it’s really ruining my relationship and my family in the process. My boyfriend doesn’t often have the capacity to be emotionally supportive because he’s got his own stuff going on, and I’m in a state with no friends or family around to feel like I can turn to anyone else. We both work full time, don’t have off days together and on all of my off days I have the baby by myself.

Do you have any suggestions based off what I’ve shared as to what I could do to find my way back to myself and a more positive place? I feel like I wake up most days and immediately start complaining and by the evening I’m isolating myself to the bedroom and crying myself to sleep. I just don’t want to be this version of myself anymore.

Thank you so much! I am very humbled 💗

Congratulations on your baby!!!

All of your experiences this past year, good or bad can take a toll on anyone emotionally. That was a lot to hit you with after the other. Any person would be drained especially when we do not have the opportunity to process them.

With that, I want to say that from the outside, it seems like your life revolves around everyone else but you. Like you lost yourself a bit. And that is not really fair for you. But that is okay. Happens to the best of us <3 All of these things aside from i'm sure daily problems and nuisances can alone exhaust us and take a toll on our mental health. Remember that, for us to give the best to others, we have to first give it to ourselves. I know we want and need support. You are not wrong for it. Unfortunately a lot of times we won't get it. The truth is, we need to learn how to be our own support system too. This might sound unfair and hard, totally. It probably is. But it helps build you up. And I think this is where you are currently at with yourself?

These negative thoughts and feelings are going to continue to live there until you decide to take an active role in your life. Not making it about everyone else, and the feelings they provoke in you. If you truly want to change your current reality, you need to decide to and commit. You need to reframe the story you are currently telling yourself. Even if you feel like you are lying to yourself in the beginning. if you know you wake up complaining then that tells me you are already aware of it. Your position would be to realize when you are about to do it, stop yourself, and change your thought pattern into something positive. Start practicing this with every negative thought or action you have through out the day. Start by accustoming yourself to become aware of it all. Even if we mess up, auto correct yourself immediately. Seriously. Remember that the more negativity we project, even valid, is what we will continue to get back. Nothing changes if we do not change. I would recommend finding healthier ways for you to express your negative emotions. Journaling is great honestly because not only can you vent, but you can analyze and create possible solutions. It is very good to let our feelings out, especially understand them past the problem at hand, but it is not good to make them our whole life.

You can regain control of your life and this narrative you are living in the second you decide and commit to. Sounds easy, and it is. It is easy to understand, but hard to implement. It is also very worth it.

Sometimes things do not happen to us, they happen for us. Changing your life starts with you. Do not let these feelings, people, experiences turn you into someone you are not. It is literally YOUR LIFE. Remember how amazing you are, it is time.

[noxtms]

❝   WE STAND HERE ON THE NINTH ANNIVERSARY of our defeat of he who must not be named and we remember all of those who fought valiantly in the final battle and who selflessly gave their lives for a future that they did not get to see. we honor our fallen friends and family for the sacrifice that they made to ensure that we could stand here, today, and we repay them each day by ensuring that their stories are told and most of all, remembered. it is important that we never forget them, and it is equally so that we use the lives that we gained that day to do good in their name, in this world, for as long as we have them.    ❞

WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE :  

the annual battle of hogwarts memorial is held on the grounds of hogwarts school and is understandably one of the most elaborately planned events of the year. while the rest of the english community of wix honor those that fought the final battle of the war with survivor discounts and temporary remembrance walls at the heart of major wixen towns, the hogwarts run event has always been the most important and has always been run to an impossible to reach standard. 

previously run entirely by the ministry of magic, the election of minister antonin karkaroff has seen ministry involvement in the memorial diminish over the past few years. indeed, one such change that he pushed for this year was reduced auror presence at the school over the chosen weekend ; this resulted in an argument between headmistress and head of wixen state that could apparently be heard two levels up from his office, and though she won, it was at the cost of a large portion of the allotted budget. mcgonagall won’t say and nobody has thought to ask, but the difference this year was made up from her own funds - all to ensure that the event many rely upon goes ahead without major and noticeable change.

the wix who fought the two halved battle always receive a personal invite on heavy parchment weeks in advance, with the same sent to the loved ones of those that lost their lives. for the ninth anniversary, the opening remembrance ceremony will be held on castle grounds early in the morning of the 5th of may. recognisable public figures - minister excluded - and the members of dumbledore’s army who killed lord voldemort are expected to give speeches to the gathered crowd and say a few, kind words about the friends and family that they lost. an early feast follows inside the great hall and house tables and colors are abandoned in favor of a more intimate set up that allows for everyone to mingle and conversate, regardless of old alliances. black candles are suspended by magic overhead and refuse to burnout until the end of the weekend. though this first event usually continues late into the evening, a large number of guests head towards hogsmeade - and the pubs located there - once the sun goes down. 

the last quidditch match of the hogwarts season usually manages to lineup with the memorial, but unfortunately, this years game between slytherin and hufflepuff has been cancelled due to an epidemic of mumblemumps that curiously only infected the slytherin house team. anyone who hoped to spend the majority of the saturday watching the teams play are invited to spend the day reflecting, instead, and are welcome to wander the school or grounds - though if that doesn’t interest guests, the duelling club is having their semi final on a stage set up near hagrid’s hut. the goodbye ceremony, a gathering in the courtyard where wands are raised and orbs of multicolored light are sent high into the sky like muggle fire lanterns will go ahead as normal late on the 7th. 

in the past, wix travelling from far away were welcome to pay for a room in hogsmeade or one of the nearby muggle villages, but this has been done away with for the sake of security. hogwarts alumni may avail of the guest quarters of their old common rooms, while non hogwarts alumni may claim a space in the quest quarters located beneath professor lodgings - either way, well paid house elves have been hard at work in the last week freshioning everything up and making sure that everything is up to the standard to which hogwarts is expected to run. this year, more than ever, headmistress mcgonagall is aware of the eyes upon them all ; as minister karkaroff told her in much quieter terms, he only really needs a reason to pull ministry support of the event entirely. 

OUT OF CHARACTER:

and just like that, the ninth battle of hogwarts memorial is upon us ! fun fact : this is the fourth one that we’ve done in real time, and very little has changed. the event itself runs much the same way it always has, though the extra security measures introduced last year remain ! those that fought in the battle and that intend to attend every day of the memorial are still required to stay in hogwarts guest quarters and professors have placed heavy protective enchantments around the castle itself. headmistress mcgonagall fought tooth and nail to force minister karkaroff into honouring last years security agreements, and guards ( a handful of the aurors ‘spared’ by the minister and many more professor volunteers ) will continue to rotate watches on the secret passageways in and out of the school. given that the sixth anniversary saw the appearance of a dark mark in the sky during the goodbye ceremony and the seventh saw the abduction and murder of an innocent healer, the headmistress would really like if they could avoid any unnecessary drama for at least one more year. 

the event will officially be starting tomorrow ( may 22nd ) at 6:00pm gmt : click this sentence to see what that translates to for your timezone ! the plan, as of this minute, is for it to run through the end of the month. in game, this covers the weekend of the 5th, 6th and 7th of may. 

with the success of this set up for the last boh memorial at the forefront of my mind, this event will be a discord / dash hybrid ! you’re welcome to post starters into the memorial category set up over on the writing discord, and though it is not a requirement for you to pause current threads or keep things specific to this event on the dash in gen, please make sure to differentiate between old threads and new in some way ( title, tagging, etc ). 

most characters would be expected to attend at least one of the memorial days, regardless of whether they fought or not and the myriad of other factors - remember that even if the rest of the wix world is standing still over those few days, this is the biggest event honouring the lives of those lost. it sends a message if you’re not present, so i highly encourage everyone’s involvement ! 

starters can be tagged with nox.event034, and you have the wide range of location choice that comes with an event set at hogwarts and the surrounding hogsmeade area ! 

if you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to message the main ! say rip to one of the characters lost on this post once you’ve read it ! 

[levelzeo]

Level Zeo's Brilliant Diamond Nuzlocke - Part 6

Greetings and salutations.  This is where I talk about my Nuzlocke of Brilliant Diamond, and also talk about my thoughts on the personalities I have developed for my Pokemon team.  If that’s not up your alley, then feel free to leave.  I won’t judge you.  That much.  If that IS what you want, then come inside!  There’s room for everyone.  If you want to catch up on what’s happened so far, I have links to all of the parts right HERE.  If you’ve caught up already, then let’s get into the action!

Current Team

Simmer the Monferno

Doc the Crobat

Orion the Luxio

Puddle the Psyduck

Vex the Duskull

Egg

Boxed Pokemon: 12

Deaths: 1

Badges: 2

Something you may notice right away is that the team is different than you might expect, as it is missing a certain Bibarel.  Yes, unfortunately I decided it would be best to send Boof to the box temporarily to hang out with her friend Petard.  The next Gym is a fighting type Gym, and I think bringing a normal type into it would be too dangerous.  Boof definitely insists that she can do it.  She’s brave enough and strong enough.  But the others convince her this is for the best.  Doc tells her not to be stupid, and Puddle concurs, saying that bravery and foolishness are different things.  What I imagine convinces her fully though is Simmer, the worrywart, saying everything will be okay.  So, Boof, one of my oldest team members, takes a vacation.  At least for now…

As you can probably see from my team list, Boof’s spot on the team has been filled by a newer capture, Vex the Duskull from a Dazzling Cave in the Grand Underground.  He arrives from the box, straightening his tie, and shakes hands (or wings or paws) with the team with a formal greeting for each of them.  He tells them he looks forward to working with them with a monotone voice and then immediately begins ignoring them unless spoken to.

Orion takes the newcomer with a shrug.  Everyone does their own thing, so who is he to judge?  Puddle is also unperturbed by Vex.  She sees that he is confident in his abilities, and he is willing to help, so there is no need to press him further.  Surprisingly, I feel that Doc and Simmer would both be in agreement that the Duskull rubs them the wrong way.  Doc thinks of him as a boring and stuck-up jerk, and while Simmer doesn’t agree with the “boring” part, the rest of the sentiments they share.  Simmer has been working more and more on opening up to the team and connecting to them, something Vex just shrugs off.  As far as Vex is concerned, he is only here to help with the upcoming types, so there’s no need for anything more than a business relationship.

At least no one can argue that the ghost type is capable.  On Route 209 I face a trainer with a Staravia who spams Double Team, a tactic that I might not have been able to beat if it weren’t for Vex.  With a sigh and a wave of his hand (cloak?), he uses Will-o-Wisp and burns the Staravia at the start of the battle.  The rest of the battle is just him weathering attacks with his bulk, occasionally using Pain Split, and not caring that he misses his other attack.  Eventually the burn finally beats the bird.  I picture Vex reading the paper the entire time.

The team continues down Route 209, passing through the ruins as we do.  We enter the Lost Tower, and encounter a Gastly named Smog.  He’s Gentle and Likes to Relax.  He’s not really into that scaring and spooking and killing stuff the Gastly line usually do, and he’s looking for a change of pace.  He’s more than willing to be caught, and I imagine that him and Petard hit it off in the box due to *cough* *cough* similar hobbies *cough* *cough*.

Right next to the tower is Solaceon Town and the Solaceon Ruins, where we find an Unown.  It has a Bashful nature and Likes to Eat.  Due to its shape, I name it “8”.  It does not communicate with us, only following us and trying to make it obvious it wants our food until I catch the little creature.  It happily settles down in the box where it can have plenty of food and company.

Is it just me, or are there a frankly ridiculous number of Routes between the second and third Gyms in this game?  I start trying to avoid trainers, because I’m afraid of overleveling, especially since Gym 4 has the same level cap as Gym 3.  I don’t actually catch anything on Route 210, the Route just north of Solaceon.  There are definitely unique Pokemon on this Route, but none that I run into on this visit.  Maybe next time.

On the rainy Route 215, I encounter an Abra that I quickly chuck a Quick Ball at.  His name is Raz, and he has a Serious nature and a Sturdy Body.  He aspires to be a hero.  Despite his weaknesses, he strives to be someone strong and powerful enough to take the hits meant for others and to save the day.  Perhaps one day he will get his chance.

Finally, after what feels like forever, I practically drag myself into Veilstone City.  Just like in the last city with a Gym, it seems like there’s some Team Galactic business going on, but I don’t have time for any of that.  I run to the Pokemon Center so that everybody can rest up.  While there, I imagine that Vex clears his throat and addresses the group, stating that we need an actionable strategy for the upcoming Gym.  While he puts it in a very boring way, he is right.  I have had bad experiences with losing to fighting types in past games.  And due to the level caps, anyone I get to level 30 for this Gym might overlevel for the next, but if I don’t they might be too underleveled for the fight.  We need to think carefully.

After much consideration, I decided on a team.  Puddle and Doc would be on the team for their Psychic and Flying moves, and I would keep them around the 28-29 range in case I want to use them for the upcoming water Gym.  Simmer is also on the team, and gets brought to level 30, since he is one of my strongest fighters.  Vex is also brought to 30, as immunity to fighting will be very useful.  Orion and the Egg are placed into the box, and to fill those spots I bring out Silk the Silcoon, and newcomer Raz the Abra.

Silk would very much rather sleep right now, and is annoyed at being disturbed (though she would never say so since that would be rude).  Raz, meanwhile, is determined to prove himself.  The two of them are trained up, and they evolve into a Beautifly and a Kadabra!  I keep Silk around level 28 so that she won’t overleveled if I want to use her in the grass Gym, but Raz gets to go up to level 29.

The team is ready.  We enter the Gym, spend a couple minutes pushing around the walls, and then we stand before our third Gym Leader, Maylene.  We’re nervous, but it’s now or never.  Third Gym Battle, Start!

Round 1.  Doc vs Meditite.  This Gym Battle starts off strong, as Doc is easily able to use an Air Cutter to defeat the Meditite in a single, perfectly calculated, blow.  Mwahahaha.

Round 2.  Puddle vs Machoke.  Puddle uses Confusion.  This is what she has trained herself for, to use her Psychic powers in service of this team.  But it’s not enough.  The Confusion only does a little less than half of Machoke’s health.  The hulking lizard creature strikes Puddle with a Low Sweep that sends her reeling with far more than half of her health missing.  Fear tightens in the hearts of myself as well as Simmer and Doc.  Vex sees this as nothing more than an unfortunate miscalculation.

Before anything more can happen to Puddle though, Raz steps up and takes her place.  He gets hit with a Low Sweep meant for her, and is able to shrug it off reasonably well.  But this is risky of him.  I know for a fact that this Machoke knows Knock Off and holds an Expert Belt.  It’s an attack that will definitely kill Raz if it connects.  But that doesn’t matter.  It’s his time to be a hero.

Raz unleashes a Confusion.  Despite his good special attack and STAB bonus, it’s an attack that would not be able to defeat this Machoke under normal circumstances.  But luckily, Puddle’s attack from earlier was just enough to weaken it.  Raz outspeeds Machoke, and Maylene’s second Pokemon is defeated.  In the real world, I do a small fist pump and mutter “yes!” under my breath.  Good job Raz.  You did it.  But there’s still more to be done.

Final Round.  Lucario comes out, and I start with Vex.  The Lucario Bulks Up, growing stronger.  But Vex is ready for them.  He stares at his opponent with a bored expression as he burns Lucario with a Will-o-Wisp.  Now the fight may as well be over.  The burn will slowly kill them no matter what, and the attack drop isn’t half-bad either.  Now we just need to survive.

Lucario unleashes a Screech at Vex, but he easily steps out of the way of it to hit a Night Shade.  He’s not so lucky on the next turn though, as a second Screech tears through his spectral form, lowering his defenses.  He’s able to hit back with a Night Shade again, but even with the burn damage, we only brought Lucario to the red.  It’s too dangerous for Vex to stay in, so I switch to Silk as Maylene uses a Hyper Potion.

Lucario Bulks Up again.  Even if the attack boosts don’t matter because of the burn, the defense boosts worry us.  I had thought about using Simmer for his Flame Wheel during this fight, but I don’t think that would be enough now.  Better stick to special attacks.  Silk yawns as she uses an Air Cutter, which deals a fair amount.  The next turn has another Air Cutter, but Silk also takes a nasty Metal Claw.  She’s done enough, she is tired and would like to go home please.  So she tags back out for Vex again as Lucario drinks a second Hyper Potion.

Vex makes an executive decision.  This switching around business is not going to help with the job, which is to win.  He decided he will stay in and continue to use Night Shade.  If he is able to win this way, good.  If not… it’s some damage and a free switch.

Vex avoids a Screech.  Night Shade.  Metal Claw rips into Vex’s spectral form, though his defenses are able to make it hurt a lot less it should.  Night Shade.  Another Screech, and this one hits, lowering his defenses and making it clear he will not be surviving another attack.  Night Shade.  Lucario readies their claws.  Vex straightens his tie.  Lucario falls to the ground, defeated.  That last Night Shade was the final bit of damage needed.  The battle is won.

Cobble Badge Obtained!

That was a somewhat frightening battle, but we won!  Despite his detached and business-like approach, Vex was able to pull through and do a lot in that battle.  Not to mention the contributions of Raz and Silk.  With the hurdle of that Gym cleared, I can breathe a sigh of relief.  Three Badges down.

After the Gym, I move around the Pokemon.  We have a little ways to go before Pastoria City, and I need to make sure the Pokemon who would be weak or overleveled go into the box.  For the upcoming journey I know I want Orion and Silk, as their Electric and Grass moves will be invaluable, and they will probably need a couple of levels.  I also bring along Doc and Puddle, since they will probably be backups for the gym.  Despite the fact that he is already at level 31 and won't be brought into the Gym, I bring Vex as insurance against any dangerous trainers on the Routes.  I also bring the Egg along, since it still hasn’t hatched yet.  It feels weird to leave Simmer, my starter, in the box.  But he understands.  This next Gym is not the place for him.  Better safe than sorry.  I’ll see you soon buddy.  For now though, we set off Southward to Pastoria!

[watanabes-cum-dump]

Like father, like son

I was gonna post this on AO3 but it’s kind of been down for the past… what fourteen hours now? Yeah, so here, have some shitty first person angst I wrote while having a breakdown last night :)

Characters: PGR commandant OC and his guardian, Nikola.

Qiu thinks about his complicated relationship with the man that raised him

I hate him. 

I hate him so much. 

Nikola. 

He took me in. He raised me. He’s powerful, he had connections, he had money. I was never left wondering when my next meal would be, if I could get into a good school or if I would wake up tomorrow. Nikola had everything. 

But I don’t think he ever had a heart. 

I’ve seen the way the president looks at him. Like estranged friends, he’s a little scared of him. Hassen is brave, but even Nikola’s gaze makes him falter. It does the same to me, except far worse. 

It’s hard to believe he was ever human. 

That heartless thing had a heart once. He smiled once upon a dream and dared to think of something other than the good of humanity. 

Nikola has everything and nothing at all. Because he sacrificed everything for humanity. I see it in his eyes, he’s done, wasted, there is nothing left for him. His youth was given to the preservation of humanity, and even in his older years he still works tirelessly for a day when humanity can exist on Earth again. He has even given up his own humanity for this hope. 

And he has given up me and my brother as well. 

It wasn’t a question if me and Ash would end up in the army in some way shape or form. The question was did we want it? 

The answer is no, of course. 

I still don’t know what I would have rather done with my life. I’m twenty two now, and I still don’t know. The decisions were made before I could even think about them. My tuition was already paid for, my spot was guaranteed. The expectations were set, and all eyes were on me. 

And I crumbled under the pressure. 

I can’t blame Nikola, he had siblings too, all he knew was competition. That was all I knew as well. I was pitted against Ash, my own brother. I hid in their shadow while they burned in the light and crumbled under our teacher’s expectations. 

A part of me wonders though, if Nikola loved Ash. Because of their father or because he was their godfather, maybe both. I wonder if I was just an extra load, a little more trouble, another thing to waste resources on. 

I know he’d never love me. Because I’m lousy and barely graduated Faust. And I went back to the shadows of Kurono Nikola fought so hard to escape from. Ash meanwhile, they had the glory. They had the praise and the love, and I was happy for them. They were in charge of an elite and efficient squad, and they were the president’s favourite no doubt. 

I wished I had that. 

I wished that I had more than blood and lost limbs. I wished I never had to take orders from that bastard Collins. I wished I never had to kill constructs. I wished Nikola never looked at me like that. With scorn and resentment. 

I wished I was Ash, I wished I was the Gray Raven commandant with a team that loved me. With friends and admirers. 

And the worst part is, it came true. 

Suddenly, I was the Gray Raven’s commandant. Suddenly, everyone expected me to be a living legend. I am not like my brother. I was not the valedictorian of Faust, and people knew. I was an imposter aboard Babylonia. 

I faltered and got so much worse after becoming a commandant. At least Ash made it look graceful. It was a constant battle for me. Never ending reports, never ending missions. The president’s favourite squad in such a miserable state with a sorry excuse for a commandant leading it. I know that’s what all of Babylonia must have thought. 

I’d forgive Nikola if I could. I wish I could understand people, I wish I could just let go. But unfortunately, I am just like him and he knows it too. And he hates it. 

He’d think ‘How could I fail this badly? Now, there’s another me in this world who will do nothing but hurt himself?’ 

I know because I see it in him. I know it in the way Hassen looks at him. He is the one who tears his own life apart by the seams. 

I know because I do it too. 

I’ll sabotage every relationship myself, I’ll push burdens upon myself no one could ever want to bear. I’m well aware I’m a terrible person, I’m equally aware that I am nothing special. Just a scared little boy masquerading as a commanding officer. 

Who is Qiu Jia? What is his real name? Did his parents love him? Who is he but command’s puppet? I don’t know. I am forever command’s war dog, trapped under the gaze of the man who raised me but I will never call him father. 

Yet he made me. He made Qiu Jia, he made the commandant. He made command’s little war dog, he made the coward and the outcast. Could I call him father? As I am so much like him, surely I am his son? 

I don’t know. 

I just hate him. 

But, I still want him to love me. 

Deep down, it is still my first night on Babylonia, and all I want is for Nikola to be proud. 

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

Hi, I see your addition to that post on porn and I half agree with you: it takes a relationship with Christ to combat an addiction, we can’t win on our own. But, and hear me out, I do unfortunately have personal experience with this: my dad stopped trying at all, and it got him deeper and deeper, justifying himself saying God’s grace covered all, until this man, who accepted Christ at the age of 17, later cursed his family cursed God, and left us for a stripper. And then another. And then another. So far as I know he has not repented. God willing, he will one day.  Meanwhile I had my own dirty little secret: I struggled with masturbation from a young age, almost the same age that I accepted Christ. I can’t say I never struggle with the thoughts, or that I’ve won completely, but I am having significantly less trouble fleeing temptation these days and I refuse to let the sin define me. 

The only difference between us that I can see is that I kept fighting, while knowing it was only the grace of God that made a difference. God does call us to flee temptation and that’s a battle that requires some effort on our parts even though it is God who gives the victory. And that is, I believe, the intent of the original post. 

On Porn and Addictions

First, thank you so, so, SO much for this ask, Anon. It raises important points that I didn't have time to discuss with my reblog. I'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner, but the site blocker I use to limit my time on Tumblr has been acting up.

For clarity: I was rebuking that OP for telling people to 'just try,' because so many people are told to 'just try' when that isn't what actually fixes you.

Yes, Anon, it's VITALLY important that you do keep trying, and giving up and citing God's grace is the absolute worst way to solve an addiction. In fact, in the fight against sin, that is the one time a person has truly lost.

But telling people to just try harder when they are already trying with all their ability 1) tells them there is no other answer and that all their current trying is not enough, which leads to depression and a return to denial or full-on loss of faith, 2) makes them feel at fault for their addiction, which multiplies guilt and blame and leads to further sin, which leads to more guilt, and so on, 3) implies they can actually solve it by trying harder, which leads to impatience and frustration with God's perfect timing, and 4) communicates a lack of support, understanding, and empathy, which makes their struggle much, much harder than it needs to be.

When a person is suffering from an addiction, they need the community of believers to gather around them and encourage them, uplift them, and remind them that they are forgiven, accepted, redeemed by his blood. We are the body of Christ; if one member is injured, we all are in pain. (1 Corinthians 12:25-26)

This support makes the suffering many times more bearable. Seeing this kind of support means others who suffer in the same way will be encouraged to share the burdens they carry and receive help.

The current culture of hiding our faults and sins and struggles so we appear holy and perfect and blameless is direct disobedience to the command we are given in James 5:16. Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

If you are struggling with sin or addiction, tell someone! Tell someone you trust! Tell as many people as you feel comfortable telling. We will pray for you, and we will tell you our struggles so you can pray for us. Prayer is a powerful thing in all its aspects. And this process also builds strong bonds of community and friendship - the ties that hold the body of Christ together.

Everyone struggles with something, so do your utmost to be a safe person in a safe community - or the only safe person in an unsafe community - where people will comfortable confessing and asking for help.

When someone says 'just try harder' or 'do better' or 'if you had more/enough faith' or in any way conveys disdain, judgment, condemnation, or a negative shift of opinion toward the person struggling, that shows a lack of understanding that will immediately put a wall between that person and the one struggling. He will not approach that person again to confess and will not look to them for comfort, encouragement, acceptance, or prayer. He may also be reluctant to open up to anyone else for fear of the same reaction.

We are told in Galatians 6:1-2, Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness, considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

This is to help people out of denial; but it also commands us to bear each other's burdens. We are to be the whole, and united, body of Christ, without division, supporting each other in our struggles and temptations.

Without these vital things - feeling free to confess to each other, praying for each other, bearing each other's burdens - the struggle to healing is far longer, far more arduous, and far more miserable than God ever intended.

Aside from these verses on the value of the church in this struggle, there is one other thing that the Bible guarantees will result in a cessation of sin (in God's timing): walking after the Spirit.

The promises granted to the believer walking after the Spirit are, among other verses, outlined in Romans 8:4, Galatians 5:16 and Galatians 6:7-9.

Walking in the Spirit is three things: 1) obeying the commands in the Bible, 2) following the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and 3) giving thanks in all things, rejoicing in sufferings (including temptation), and counting it joy to be tempted. (1 Thessalonians 5:18, 1 Peter 4:13, James 1:2ff)

Technically that third thing is part of the first (obeying the Bible's commands), but it's vitally important. The reasons for doing so are outlined in Proverbs 23:7, Romans 12:2, Matthew 6:19-24 and Luke 11:33-36. Even secular science has caught on, after a few thousand years: due to how your brain interprets thoughts as commands and the activity of brain chemicals such as dopamine, the things you think about are things you are more likely to act on. Including sin.

Philippians 4:8 instructs us this way: Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are TRUE, whatsoever things are HONEST, whatsoever things are JUST, whatsoever things are PURE, whatsoever things are LOVELY, whatsoever things are OF GOOD REPORT; if there be any VIRTUE, if there be any PRAISE, think on these things.

Beating yourself up over having fallen into sin, or promising you'll never do it again, or lamenting yet another failure, or asking how it got you this time: is it TRUE? Has not Christ cleansed and forgiven you? Are you not clean and holy? Is it HONEST? Are you really not going to do it again? Are you being realistic about your own ability? Is it JUST, seeing that you do not deserve any punishment, even the mild sort you inflict on yourself, since Christ took it all and paid in full? Is it a PURE line of thought, filling your mind with bitterness? Is dwelling on sin LOVELY in any way whatsoever? Is it OF GOOD REPORT - are these things you would be telling others about? Is it worth sharing? Is there any PRAISE in the matter - are you praising the comission of sin? Are you praiseworthy for having committed sin?

I think the answer to all of these questions is no. So don't think about that.

If you think on bad things like that sin you just committed, you will act on those bad things. If you think of good things, you will act on those good things.

Certainly, continuing to try not to sin is vital to recovery; you always need to return to the fight, get back on the horse, and go to God. But do not expect results right away! God's timing is incomprehensible to us, and it's restated in the context of walking in the Spirit (Galatians 5:5 and 6:7-9, and 1 Peter 5:7-11). It is difficult for me when I fall, thinking that I haven't spent enough time thinking good things: but all in God's timing. It is hard sitting back, remembering we have done all we can, and it is God who works in us to will and to act.

It may take a day or it may take a lifetime, and if it only takes a day there is always a new sin or temptation waiting: but this is the struggle and calling of every believer. If you are fighting, you are winning.

It is when you are not fighting, when you have given in or given up and decided not to try - that is when you have lost, for even if God works in your life and makes the temptation easier to bear, you wouldn't know it.

Keep trying. Don't give up. But trying your hardest is not what ultimately works righteousness within you. When you succeed, remember it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13)

Thank you deeply, Anon, for sharing your story. I have felt led to respond quickly, so no doubt you or others need to hear what I've said, despite its length.

Here are some resources for the person struggling with sin or addiction:

Celebraterecovery.com - this has a map for you to find a Celebrate Recovery group at a local church. It's a Christ-centered twelve-step recovery group, run by others who struggle or have recovered from struggling with sin or addiction. They focus on the positive, and every other week they have a testimony of someone's successful recovery. They also focus on sharing and supporting each other. They've been around for 30+ years and it works. The one I'm going to gets new members every week, and a different person shares their testimony every other week. It's truly glorious to watch.

Specifically for people who struggle with porn and/or masturbation on Reddit.com itself: see the subreddits r/NoFap, r/NoFapChristians, r/pornfree, r/pornfreewomen (women only!), r/PornFreeChristians, and more.