#wedges in the community rn? really???? REALLY?

[toytulini]

god this stupid fucking intracommunity infighting bullshit never ends and im so god damn tired. stop it. and if youre fucking discoursing this stupid shit you should have to add a fucking disclaimer to your fucking posts at least im tired of having to search yalls blogs when smth slightly off about your wording that i cant explain has me like hmmmmm and then i end up right and i really dont want to be

[nineliars]

Im actually so freaking late bc I just finished mine liars BUT I’m so upset with David rn. I actually love him sm but I hate him. What is he? Im happy he and Stevie didn’t actually have sex bc if he broke up with her after that and just left ?? I would have been more sad for her. I understand he was overthinking but also kissing someone else? ?.!!./ outta pocket David 🙄

You’re so real for all of this. He is such a problem in this book. I love him but I’d also love to watch him slip on a banana peel into a dumpster or something.

Would it be crazy if I said that if they’d had sex, I don’t think David would have broken up with her? I’m not saying that because David is a horny scumbag who would’ve only stayed with her because they had sex, but I think from David’s POV, Stevie doesn’t love him as much as he loves her. (Whether that’s actually true is debatable, but unlikely imo given her reaction to being dumped.) Think about how Izzy first reacted to Stevie, like she was meeting a celebrity- because David had spent the last 3 months talking her up. In Stevie’s narration, she constantly frets about being perceived as intelligent, capable, and worthy. In David’s eyes, Stevie is all of those things already. I think David sees himself as a fuckup still, albeit one who managed to get his shit together long enough to spend a semester at Cambridge. He doesn’t know where he’s going next. (Neither does Stevie, but as she fails to realize, you get a little leeway when you solve the crime of the century twice.) David cuts off his nose to spite his dad, and even though it still shakes out alright for him, his future is even more uncertain than Stevie’s.

But Stevie isn’t perfect. She breaks down when she realizes she cannot solve the Nine Liars case in time to leave England. She can be utterly single-minded when it comes to solving the case, and the majority of the time, the breakdown in communication between her and David stems from her words/actions/missteps.

David clearly believes he is not worthy of Stevie and I don’t think he would’ve broken up with her unless he believed that she believed it too. Maybe if they had slept together, that aspect of their dynamic could have been a little more resolved– but maybe if she hadn’t been broken up with, Stevie wouldn’t have stayed behind in England in order to actually solve the case, which could’ve driven another wedge in between them. (Also, David snapping at Stevie before breaking up with her and saying “not everything is about you” makes me sooo sad because it’s another misread of what she’s feeling/thinking. I think Stevie felt really, genuinely guilty and upset when she thought she couldn’t solve Rosie & Noel’s OR Angela’s murders. The fact that Angela had disappeared immediately after talking to Stevie probably felt like Ellie all over again. David may have noticed this if he stopped being insecure for 5 minutes and thought about what was actually going on with Stevie. But I DIGRESS because this is getting way too long.)

As for kissing someone else I think his reasoning there was so simple actually: He feels as though he has fucked up all the things in his life worth trying for; Ergo, why not become a fuckup again? Drown your sorrows in tequila and kiss somebody you don’t know! All the kids are doing it!

I did not mean for this to turn into a dissertation on the dynamics of Steviedavid’s Nine Liars arc. I just can’t wait to see where they both go from here, because they are both kind of fucked up in the head, and they know that, and I think that will keep drawing them together as long as they’re in each others proximity. Good thing Stevie is returning home to America, where David won’t be…until, you know, his semester ends and he has to go home ;)

[bonni]

I want to be happy about the Barghouti interview being on CNN (and admittedly I do find it quite funny that CNN aired it at all) but I really can't get over the fact that within the first minute of speaking, Barghouti referred to Israel's apartheid as "a much worse apartheid than in South Africa." There's no problem with comparing the two (what is happening in Palestine rn is absolutely apartheid), but acting like one genocide is worse than another is just so shitty, and this literally happens to the struggles of Black people constantly. Every cause has to be a competition to see who is suffering more than Black, AA, and African people have suffered, and it drives such a wedge between two communities with so much in common.

[melodythebunny]

-holds u at paintball gun point- we demand swap expermental cheese! Also why did steven experiment on her in this au???

u-u here -yeets at u gangsters/jjj-

swap carrie is a tsundere and swap steven is a flirt both are terrible with feelings and don't communicate as well as their og counterparts..which probably starts putting a wedge in their relationship... i think i mentioned somewhere before they faked their marriage and eventually did get close??

and as for the second part of your demands

that actually wasn't his intention

he was just minding his own business in his lab. he'd been cooped up in there for three weeks, not speaking to anyone really. carrie barges in upset he's been ignoring everyone. He told her to go away and carrie was being stubborn not listening to him. both were really just being petty to eachother at the moment

then there was a electrical overload and it ended up going horribly wrong. just the way everything happend made it look like a murder scene sooooooooooooooo going to the police wasnt really an option for him.

andddd since i havent really thought about thsi au thats all i got rn. :T

(dont bug @/kurixta about wg or their swap au, they're in the pokemon fandom now u-u)

get yall daily dose of angst-

@liloskull343 @ninjastormhawkkat @drtwobrainsstuff @spaaceeboyy

[bluebrine]

While I’ve had a fantastic time with the recent event and all the cool lore around it, I can’t help but find the new Obelisk dragons somewhat…… out-of-place. We see the god of earth himself sculpt them from stone, name and individualize each with his own hands, and the end result just… doesn’t really look like an ‘earth’ dragon.

I really do love the art we got- the flowing hair adds good motion and elegance to the breed, and their big lion paws are very cute (the hatchling pose is one of my favs now!). I just think the design would have been better suited for a different element overall.

I understand they’re based off of stone guardian lions, which is a neat art direction, buuut the species just seems ill-fitting for their rocky homeland (and totally unrelated to Snappers). They mostly just resemble stout tundra/ manticore hybrids to me? And given that tundras already have a cousin strongly resembling them, we don't particularly need a 'tundra v.3' (as the announcement url so helpfully explains lol.)

While the Obelisk’s encyclopedia entry isn’t out yet, I’ve tried to keep the design elements of the 'protector + harbinger’ role they’ve been tasked with. They’re large, stocky, and powerful, but also more suited to their environment & offering cover for their fellow dragons.

The threat the Obelisks need to defeat is an underground menace, unearthed from a deep series of caves. It seems to be able to move through stone? Or is somehow able to pull its prey through the earth- an Obelisk should be able to quickly pursue it! (If the art we got just at least had sturdy claws for digging I would be happy, lol. Feline claws would blunt far too quickly on stone!)

Here's a comparison between the claws of a tiger, and those of a brown bear. Notice that while both would be very good at murdering you, the bear's claws are longer & flatter, instead of being such a sharp, hooked shape. This makes them more efficient at moving earth, while also being lethal weapons!

The features I picked for this earthy-er design are general a mix of bear (1, 2, 3), ankylosaur (1, 2, 3), & armadillo (1, 2, 3) anatomy. (Seriously, have you seen armadillo hands? The giant armadillo is such a perfect source of inspo for an earth dragon. Please put these claws on something, FR, I'm begging you.) These Obelisks have well-muscled forelimbs, which are capped with long, flat claws. They have toughened hide plates running along their backs, with osteoderms lining their flanks. Their heads are flatter and wedge-shaped (though I’ve kept the under-bite, cute lil’ ears, and a bristly mane). Their tails are flattened into a spade- useful for defense, shoveling earth, or slamming into the ground to communicate. Lastly, their wings- they have 2 robust digits for tunneling, and the leathery membranes have been reinforced with fibers and scutes (this makes them pretty useless for flight, but perfect for defending smaller dragons).

These features are entirely directed by the Earthshaker's own words for what Obelisks were built to do. They need be able to:

1.) warn others of danger

2.) protect their kin

3.) and battle... whatever the threat is lurking under Dragonhome.

For this, they need to have strength, a range of defensive abilities, and the ability to combat a ground-based enemy. I think that being a 45-foot-long burrowing tank, with a hide of steel, and huge wings tough enough to stop arrows is the epitome of the earth's protectiveness and power.

Obelisks' armor is so thick and strong because it is made of love for their kin. How better to show the paternal affection of their father than to take an army's worth of blows for their family? While these guys might look scary, I think they're still gentle giants at heart.

Since they’re a newborn species with no known culture/ behavior of their own yet, they’re kinda… a blank slate rn (hopefully that lore article comes out soon). I see Obelisks as statuesque behemoths, watching over their tiny Snapper cousins as their clans travel across the steppes. Perhaps they use the pounding of their great weight to speak across vast distances, to warn other dragons whenever danger is near? Or maybe they can produce far-reaching, low-frequency rumbles, like elephants? I think the 'harbinger' aspect of their lore should be emphasized just as much as their 'guardian' qualities.

-----

Well, even though I don’t dislike the Obelisks’ current design, I can only hope the next breed we get has a more… distinct elemental concept. (If I have to wait 10 years for water to get ’tundra but with a tail fin’……. sigh.)

[notyobabygirl]

hey loves!! so this might be a long one i apologize—

my bf has always had temperament issues. i’ve seen him randomly go off on his friends, his parents, me, etc. it’s something he’s acknowledged that he needs to work on and i’ve noticed it start to get significantly better in the past few months. i was so proud of him, like i know he’s a really good guy he just has a bad temper and can get dramatically angry sometimes. but the other night me and him got in a little fight, and it started over something so dumb that i really thought we were play fighting back and forth. until he got really mad and then i realized it wasn’t just us joking. he went off on me and we went our separate ways for about an hour until he called me to apologize and i went back to him. then yesterday i saw him go completely off on one of his friends we were hanging out with. it was a few of us and we all witnessed this poor friend get yelled at and told all sorts of things before my bf kicked him out of the house. we were all super confused and it was pretty awkward afterwards because we felt bad. but i understand the friend was talking poorly about my bf and is always kinda rude so that’s why he went off on him ig. so yeah like our fight the other night and what happened yesterday weren’t that bad. but then today me and him were out doing errands and stuff and we tagged along with some of his friends. and me and him were both in great moods having a good time. but i kept noticing how awful he was communicating with the friends and he just kept messing plans and directions up. so i kinda brought it up to him after we left them and i was explaining to him how bad at communicating he is and how everyone points it out. i definitely could have worded it nicer than i did but i wanted to get the point across to him. and he went off so bad after that. at first he was defensive and disagreed with me. but then it turned into him yelling at me, calling me names, telling me to find somewhere else to sleep tonight, he even started telling me i’m “irrelevant” and how i have no friends except my “buck tooth” best friend. he was being sooo mean. and it was just so much to deal with. we got back to the house and he’s tried to talk to me twice but i’ve just ignored him or told him to go away. and i made it look like i was packing my things to leave and he asked if i was and i said “what does it look like” and he brought some of my things down from his room and like threw them into my room. so idk what’s happening i’m so fed up. he is such a different person when he gets really mad and it just breaks me. i already texted my friend and she said i could come over for a few hours or stay the night but rn im just waiting to see if he comes back down to talk to me or what happens. because i really don’t like leaving on fighting terms without talking it out or coming to a resolution. like i can’t tell if he’s still mad at me or if he wants to say sorry because he tried to touch me and talk to me before i pushed him away. idk what to do because it’s like i love him so much and we have such a great relationship. but his anger issues just drive a wedge between us and i’ve seen it happen in his other relationships too with family or friends. he knows he needs to find an outlet for it but he just hasn’t gotten to that point yet but i’m so over putting up with it and being the one that gets hurt from it. like an apology and him telling me he’ll change isn’t enough for me anymore.

when someone has anger issues like this it can really change a person and the dynamic of the relationship. you get kinda scared to say things after ahwile and you start to second guess saying anything. my ex had pretty bad anger issues and before i always had to ask myself "is this going to be ok to say or is he going to blow up". since you said it has gotten a lot better of these past couple months i think he is just having an off week. no one is going to be perfect after they try to work on something, they are going to have slip ups. the only thing that you have to take note of is if he catches these slip ups and tries to get back to trying. your right, saying youll change is SO different than actually acting on it. you should have a very calm conversation with him and be like its not okay you lashing out and tell him you wont stay by his side if he continues to do so, not just on you but also his friends. just not okay

[beautifulterriblequeen]

Rayla’s catalyst

Ethari is Rayla’s emotional catalyst. Once she visits him in the Silvergrove, she begins to suffer a lot of grief and guilt over Runaan, her failure on his mission, and getting ghosted like her parents were. And she also begins to admit her feelings for Callum. All because her soft dad is soft with her, and she hasn’t had anyone be truly soft with her since before she left home. The home where she lived happily with her two dads who loved each other very much and supported her in every way they knew how. The home where she may have felt like she lived on the fringe, but she definitely belonged in the Silvergrove.

Rayla never speaks to Callum of her guilt and grief over getting Runaan and the other assassins killed. But coming face to face with Ethari and realizing that it’s her fault that his husband perished shakes her up hard. Still, Ethari forgave her once he understood, because he loves her very much. Giving her his pendant to keep her safe was a sign of his love and understanding for her. And she knows what that pendant means to her dads. Which is why it also prompted her to consider her emotions for Callum. 

She’s seen how her dads are together--loyal, affectionate, soft, supportive, and balanced. Her parents are the same way, so Rayla understands what a healthy relationship looks like. Unfortunately for her, the object that reminds her of that powerful romantic bond also reminds her of her own failure, and she can’t separate the two.

this post is ridiculously long

There’s a lot of staring at this pendant, and it starts with Ethari. He’s been wearing it all this time, but he takes a moment to study it, to feel what it means to him--what it used to mean to him--and what he wants it to mean to Rayla.

It’s a symbol of his love and protection. And he offers it to her.

She bends down to accept it, but she already can’t look away. She was right there when Runaan had to crush his own pendant. That’s where her mind has gone. She sees her own failure in the middle of Ethari’s gift to her.

She studies the pendant, too. Feels its weight. Remembers all the times she saw Runaan and Ethari wearing these. She’s wearing the symbol of a love that’s lasted longer than the life it was tied to, a life she feels responsible for ending. This pendant is a tangle of emotions for her. But mostly love and guilt. She’s not really able to process that it’s meant to protect her yet.

Maybe Ethari picks up on that. He wants her to know what it means, in case she wasn’t aware. It seems they wore these pendants all the time, but Rayla may never have understood exactly what it meant to Ethari to give one of them to Runaan.

And he wants her to know what it means for him to give it to her, too. He just wants her to be safe. She’s come back to him, against all odds. And he doesn’t want her to be lost or hurt again, not if he can protect her.

This look kills me, though. She’s shook. She just got another layer of understanding on the pendant that Runaan had to destroy to keep her alive, even after she’d lied to him and endangered the whole team. Runaan knew what the cost of Rayla’s actions would be. It cost his pendant, and his life, and his team’s lives. And he paid it all, for her. Despite what she’d done. 

Ethari loved an elf who sacrificed everything for Rayla. And now she’s taking Ethari’s own pendant for her own mission. Will she sacrifice everything, too?

GODS, all the BIG FEELS

Rayla literally can’t handle it. Between all those feels and the ghost spell reasserting itself, she can’t look at Ethari. He’s not really Ethari without his big brown eyes, anyway. It’s a face of anonymity, of rejection. Of distance. And she doesn’t want to acknowledge that he ghosted her. Not after he just gave her such a precious gift, and mounts to speed her on her way.

Runaan was always focused on his mission no matter what, and Rayla retreats from her feels to try the same here. She can’t handle her feels, so she holds onto the one thing she can handle: getting Zym home. And that means looking ahead toward her journey, not behind at what she may never get to experience again.

But she carries her big messy feelings with her anyway, and she’s not dealing with them. The next day, she wears a distant, thoughtful, sad expression. She’s distracted, worried, introspective. Callum notices. He’s felt that way before.

Callum was raised to be more in touch with his feelings than Rayla seems to have been. Or at least, he’s far more willing to admit to them when he and Rayla have only known each other a short time. He trusts Rayla with his feels, but she clearly doesn’t trust him with hers, judging by her expression.

She snaps at him and rides ahead when he tries to prompt her to talk about how she feels. When he tries to tell her that he’ll accept however she’s feeling, because those feels are a part of who she is. She’s still processing, vulnerable, and struggling. She’s not ready yet.

They get through meeting Nyx, and that gives Rayla something to focus on for a while. But once she has some free time aboard the ambler, she finds herself staring sadly again at Ethari’s pendant. Her ears are droopy, too. She’s feeling vulnerable, but not in a good way.

I like this shot of the pendant in her hand. It mirrors Runaan’s grip on his own pendant right before he crushed it, but here Rayla is holding this one protectively, as if she’s afraid it’ll get damaged out in the world. It also foreshadows Callum holding it later and cracking it open before he casts Historia Viventem. Rayla’s the only person who clutches either of the pendants protectively. Ethari’s let go of it, but it’s meant to be used, and Runaan and Callum both broke theirs--to help others instead of themselves, which is how Rayla operates, too. Man, I love these pendants.

Callum comes over to see her. He can see she’s broody again. But she looks away. She doesn’t want to admit she’s a mess.

And she lies about her feelings. I had an ask about Rayla and lying recently. At this point, she’s still trying to cover for her “flaws,” but she still doesn’t have a good enough distraction to fool Callum. And that’s a good thing.

Rayla gazes sadly at her new pendant again at the oasis. Of course their mounts are paying attention to her--they know her--but the way Ethari’s Shadowpaw is studying Rayla here, it’s like it can sense her distress and it’s watching out for her. It gives me a weird vibe like Ethari can sense Rayla’s emotional struggle from afar, and maybe he knew she’d have to go through this, but he hopes she’ll get to a good place in the end.

These three faces Rayla makes as she processes Nyx’s “two blankets or just one” comment are a delight, especially because she’s hiding them from Callum. First she’s shocked at suddenly having to think about snuggling with Callum. Then she catches herself playing with her hair. And the third pic--the way she gets habsolutely hurious at herself--tells me that Rayla playing with her hair like that is a sign of emotional interest. She’s got eight tons of emotional baggage rn, but her heart’s still gonna daydream, and she hates how messy she feels.

Rayla can keep her feelings bottled up while she’s awake, but it overwhelms her at night. She’s crying, and she can’t stop.

Callum, soft-hearted boy that he is, reaches out again, concerned. Maybe he wakes Rayla from a crying sleep, or maybe she was already awake.

Rayla’s really broken up, though. She’s devastated after her visit to the Silvergrove, and all her feels are pouring out.

She tells Callum to get away from her because she’s desperate for distance. She can’t keep her feels inside anymore. She’s had a day and a half to process, and the things she’s realizing are breaking her. And the only way to preserve the illusion of her remaining in control is to go where Callum can’t see her tears.

The hood comes up again. She’s hiding her emotions, trying to stuff them down deep like Runaan trained her to. But they won’t go away. Runaan is part of why she has such wrenching feels now. Rayla’s reaching a breakdown point, and that’s not something Moonshadows show to someone they haven’t trusted with their true feelings. So she’s trying to hide everything at once.

And she knows it isn’t working. So her self-doubt comes out, as well. That overdeveloped sense of failure.

Callum focuses on reassuring her, because that’s how he was raised: to reach out to those who are hurting. But all Rayla hears is an illusion she knows she can’t maintain. She’s not okay. And finally, she blurts out everything that’s weighing on her heart.

Rayla’s acknowledgment of her loss of stability--her social support system, critical to community-minded Moonshadows--is followed by a list of every single negative core belief she has. They just tumble out of her one after another. Everything she fears is true, all the ways she’s not good enough. And on some level, Callum instinctively senses that Rayla’s spiraling because she feels alone. She’ll keep falling if no one catches her. 

So Callum catches her. He stops her spiral. He just wedges himself into her rant and takes it over, because he’s having none of that terrible negativity from her. He knows none of that is true. Negative core beliefs are never true.

you heard me, Rayla

Callum replaces Rayla’s negative rant with a positive one. He matches her in emotional intensity, and she’s completely caught off guard by it.

She’s really not buying into this “you’re really good” bit, though. She’s struggled with that for a while--she didn’t believe Runaan either, when he said she was the fastest and the strongest of his assassins.

But Callum, unlike Runaan, is looking at Rayla when he’s talking to her, so he sees her reaction and acts to reinforce it with supportive touch. Touch is a big Moonshadow language, and one Rayla’s got to be familiar with after living in Runaan’s house for so many years. Callum’s touch says even more than is words do, and it’s really gotten Rayla’s attention.

Their body language here is key. Facing directly, close, he’s still holding her hand, full eye contact, soft expression. This is how you talk to someone when you’re emotionally open. Everything about Callum is saying “Listen, this topic is important to me.” And his topic is Rayla.

He talks her up, gets her to laugh. He’s intent on keeping her downward emotional spiral interrupted, and it’s working. So he sums up by telling Rayla that she knows he’s right. She’s not all the things she said. She’s the things he’s saying about her.

And then he takes her hood down. That’s assassin for “let me see your feelings.” Rayla thinks she knows exactly what he’s saying, but Callum doesn’t speak assassin. He doesn’t know what her hood’s actual purpose is.

No wonder she’s not quite prepared. Lookit those cute high eyebrows of shock. She thinks Callum’s inviting her to be fully emotionally open with him, as he’s just been with her. De-hooding an assassin is an invitation to be soft. It’s probably a very romantic thing under certain circumstances.  She may have seen Ethari take down Runaan’s hood a time or two as a way to encourage him to embrace softer feels and open up. So Rayla feels she’s being invited to do the same. 

And she wants to. Look at this face!

Rayla’s feeling supported, understood, encouraged, and emotionally safe. She thinks she’s just been invited to share her true feelings, since Callum was just so open and complimentary, and since he pulled down her hood. So she does. And in true Moonshadow fashion, she chooses to express herself through touch instead of words. She kisses him!

And in the moment before she realizes that wasn’t exactly what he was inviting her to do, this is her expression. She’s utterly content. Not mushy, not weepy, but balanced again. She had all these big feels revolving around guilt and abandonment. She felt alone. Moonshadows should never be alone. But now... Now she has Callum. Rayla’s not alone anymore. She found her balance, by holding onto him.

Eventually, they get around to confessing their feelings at the same time, and this is the first thing they do after those first happy smooches. They fall asleep together, touching, relaxed, and vulnerable. It’s so very soft and sweet that they touch even in their sleep. Rayla’s probably the one who kept holding onto Callum, and he was absolutely willing to stay right by her side and fall asleep on her shoulder. Rayla’s absorbing all the Not Alone Anymore vibes she can--she needs the emotional support, and Callum’s heart is deep enough to give her everything she needs.

And then, once Rayla’s feeling more balanced, she starts initiating contact. Sometimes it’s serious handholding, like in front of Avizandum’s statue. But they also get adorably silly, and we get to see Rayla’s playful, romantic side. She finally feels comfortable touching Callum with casual intimacy

Ever since Rayla admitted her feelings for Callum and realized she wasn’t alone and abandoned, she’s stopped staring at the pendant. She accepts it as a part of her, like Runaan and Ethari did. She can finally come to terms with Ethari being able to love her despite what she did, because Callum loves her despite what she did. 

The only other time Rayla looks at the pendant is right before she gives it away. She wants to protect Callum, to let him run with Zym to safety. She’s gonna give him the pendant, but as she reaches for it, she’s choosing to protect someone else instead of herself. She finally understands what it means to love someone more than life. 

Just like Ethari loves her and Runaan.

That’s why her goodbye kiss to Callum mirrors Runaan’s goodbye kiss to Ethari. She comes full circle, from the Silvergrove and back to it, from one family to another family, from being loved unconditionally to loving someone else unconditionally. Rayla’s passed through all the phases of her moon, and she finally understands what Ethari knew about love.

Because Callum has become her heart. And Ethari--his love, his gift--helped her understand that.

[skinks]

get to know me more 🍓

i got tagged by truffs @trufflesmushroom and I’m procrastinating... also I haven’t done one of these in a while so!!! here we go

🍓 what do you prefer to be called name wise?

Joe, but it’s in my bio so ppl know that already. a lot of people call me Jo irl but I can hear they’re not adding the e

🍓 when is your birthday?

06/06 which is convenient bc it’s the same in both the regular, normal configuration of months and days and also in the american one! it’s the day before Bill Hader’s which is nice. Letting me come before him. He’s so considerate

🍓 where do you live?

Scotland. east coast babey

🍓 three things you are doing right now?

packing in preparation to return my hire car tomorrow, air-drying my naked bod, procrastinating at literally everything else

🍓 four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

I kinda prefer to just enjoy various things rather than say I’m In A Fandom, or Not In X Fandom Any More, especially when my involvement never goes beyond reblogging things and reading fic. But with that said, unsurprisingly I’m still.... eyeballs deep in IT chapters 1 & 2. Reddie. There literally hasn’t been a single day since ch2’s release when I haven’t thought about it, it’s intense. There’s so much amazing art and fic and I love talking about it, plus there’s still fic I’d like to write so I’m staying put for the time being

Aside from that, I’m excited for the new Assassin’s Creed, my AC feelings always flare up with a new release. Uhh... horror movies in general... I’m stoked for Barry s3, Tenet, The Green Knight, idk man between clown stuff and travelling I haven’t been paying attention to much else. OH I’m super interested in what Ben Wheatley does with the next Tomb Raider movie 👀

🍓 how is the pandemic treating you?

I’m extremely fortunate that I’ve been in New Zealand for the whole thing and it was handled very well. I spent lockdown with relatives out in the countryside hiking and biking and walking dogs, so I really can’t complain. I’m the fittest I’ve been in like 12 years

🍓 song you can’t stop listening to right now?

omg so many... I have one playlist on repeat whenever I’m driving but “He’s There... And Then He Does THAT” by Toehider really fucks

🍓 recommend a movie.

how can I pick one ugh.... Alpha (2018) dir. Albert Hughes. I could say Mandy or Paper Moon or The Fall but I feel like Alpha got overlooked

🍓 how old are you?

26

🍓 school, university, occupation, other?

uni dropout, ex-farm hand 😔 soon to be job-seeking

🍓 do you prefer hot or cold?

HOT. HOT WEATHER, eternal summer, endless heatwave pleaaaase I’ve had enough chilly windy scottish bullshit to last a lifetime

🍓 name one fact others may not know about you.

I believe in aliens but I don’t believe in ghosts

🍓 are you shy?

my social anxiety is leagues better than it used to be, I have no problem talking to strangers or on the phone etc but I don’t know about talking in front of an audience. Idk. Haven’t had any reason or inclination to try

🍓 do you have any preferred pronouns?

she/her

🍓 any pet peeves?

people who don’t shut up during movies holy shit I didn’t pay to hear your running commentary. people who drive slow as fuck until the part of the road you can overtake and then they speed up??

🍓 what’s your favorite “dere” type?

I don’t know what any of them mean except for tsundere!!!!

🍓 rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

maybe a 7 rn

🍓 what’s your main blog?

it’s this one lmao [grinch voice] you put your glasses back on and face the hyperfixations

🍓 list your side blogs and what they are used for.

@fyeahedgechronicles for the Edge Chronicles book series and @merhymn is a colour blog. both very inactive

🍓 is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

I’m so bad at keeping regular communication! 😬 I ghost people for weeks and months sometimes but I don’t mean anything by it, it’s just that if I don’t feel like I’ve anything worthwhile to say or contribute then I don’t say anything at all bc I feel like I’m bothering people. I love my friends but sometimes I forget that just because I don’t mind weeks of incommunicado it doesn’t mean everyone is cool w/ that

tagging @thewintermusketeer @benevolentbridgetroll @shrikestrike @iwritesometimes @greymichaela @wordssometimesfail @rockcandyshrike @meremeduse @pohjanneito @lemon-wedges @djtookutz

[lesyah]

Guardian stream of consciousness watchthrough ep. 36

Only 5 more to go guys......upset rn

I’m nervous

Ugh

Don’t hate me but I cant stand Lin jing

I’m mad at him

He’s nice tho I will admit I just feel betrayed too lol

Zyl looks so soft rn in his long sleeved tshirt 🥺🥺

Professor ouyang, it’s on sight

I have thoughts to think rn about ye zun.......

Umm....

His outfit? Fire.

His mask? Immaculate.

His hair? Lucious.

His vibe? Baller.

Do I hate him tho? Yeah.

Anyway he’s very beautiful and that’s all I have to say. His outfit drips. Constantly.

Hold on they know it’s ye zun?

Even they’re like “shen wei would never behave like this”

Zhao yunlan, Shen Wei, and cong bo watching this rn: 👁👄👁

Why is he after zhao yunlan?

Just to upset shen wei or because he really is That Petty?

His hair looks awesome. Shen Wei take notes.

Why is he so 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

NICE DUDE!!! “I won’t fall for him driving a wedge between us” YES

“However” oh great

UGH. You idiot. No one needs professor ouyang’s dumb mutant juice

“Let’s meet in the men’s restroom at 10 pm. Password is Lin jing ur so handsome” LIN JING LOL SHUT UP

guo changcheng’s lil bag he always carries with him 🥺

“I want to communicate with all human beings” that’s a tall order baby

Omg what if that’s not Lin jing

Lol

Oh good, it’s him.

He came out like ✌🏻👁👅👁

Omg zhao yunlan: you’ll never understand electronics

RUDE

HAHAHA ZHAO YUNLAN TALKING TO ALL HUMANS LIKE “Ehhh??? Hello????? R u there?”

Hahahaha

Zyl was like “I’ll cut the crap. Once this goes any further it’s over for you hoes”

Shen Wei like ..........wtf

Shen Wei is staring at him like 🥺🥺🥺🥺

And cong bo - 😒

WILDFIRE IS BACK

Flower gal 🥰

Are wang Zheng and zang san dead

He sent a message saying “steal the serum”

Omg he was conspiring with zhao yunlan??????? Ok

I’ll accept u now

Papa zhao can choke goodbye

He called his own son........an unimportant side character? Speechless. He only gets worse.

Also how is zyl unimportant? He is like, pivotal. He is bffs with the black robe fricking envoy, the very person ye zun wants to murder and destroy

Just destroy the serum. Like for real. You gotta just take it?

BRO HE GAVE CHANGCHENG THE SERUM????

WTF

I hate prof ouyang

Not the crow lady!!!!!!! 😫😫😫

It’s suddenly daytime

HES EATING LIN JING??????????? WHAT IN THE DIEKCOWKOCOWOD

Omf he’s like eff everyone except me

Papa zhao telling changcheng to get in the car.......

he was like ew......but ok I have no other choice

The way I can’t stand papa zhao

Ok I totally knew that was the underground version. Papa zhao would never be that nice sounding

Honestly the actor is really good if the audience knows who’s who. Nice.

RUN changcheng

Omg

I HATE HIM!!!!!! WTF!!!!

“I don’t care whether or not you guys are right”

WHAT

DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF

I knew shuzhi would save him 😭

They’re faking looking into the eyes of nightmare guy right? They can’t be that stupid lol

Why does everyone threaten him with his brother. I’m over it.

GOT HIM ROUND THE NECK????? AMAZING

turns out they’re that stupid

😳😦

Zhao yunlan getting zhu Hong to wake up by saying he’s here and he’ll leave if she won’t wake up.....

Shen Wei laughing oh ymglfoekwncw

Embarrassing

Da qing just wants some dried fish

You really have some nerve zhao yunlan. If you ever fall asleep I’ll threaten you with shen wei leaving. Stupid. Definition of hypocrite.

“What did you do after we went into the wormhole?”

Da qing:

Omg Changcheng’s power is tight

The way zhao yunlan acts like he is also 10,000 years old when he really truly is not. Hahahahaha

[twyella]

The other day my sibling ran out of data on their phone while we were at the park and they wanted to reply to friends on Quotev so they borrowed my phone, logged in, replied, logged out, passed me the phone back. I then closed the tab.

Despite that, I am getting their notifications. We both tried to fix this but failed. So they just said not to click on their notifications or anything, which frankly was slightly insulting because I would never do that, and we just left it.

For context, Quotev is primarily a website to create stuff such as writing original works, fanfictions, or creating quizzes. But you are also able to post things or message each other (presumably this was originally to make feedback, collaborations etc easier) which means a lot of people also or even only use Quotev as effectively, social media.

So I'm still getting my sibling's notifications and from what I can see, it's just stuff like _____ replied to your message, ____ commented on your activity, ____ liked your activity.......Thing is, they're getting a lot off these notifications.

And the same names are coming up constantly, so I'd presume it's less general popularity and more like they just have a lot of friends/acquaintances on Quotev.

And honestly, I know I shouldn't compare like this, but it makes me sad.

It seems like they have like 5 friends or collaborators on Quotev. I know in real life they have ten or more friends that aren't common friends with me. And they all communicate with each other constantly, seemingly with little filter.

And then I'm here. Counting both irl people and people online, I have a friendship group of maybe 6 people. Two of whom are my godbrothers that I'm lucky if I see three times a year - we have the obligatory Christmas and Easter meeting and that's it, we stopped even going to each other's birthday parties or just meeting up then years ago. All of my friends are pretty evenly split between people I rarely get to talk to, relatively speaking, and people I often struggle to face or be myself around. During holidays I frequently find a week or more goes by without my communicating with any of my friends - as in, not a week without X friend, a week without any friends.

And I know a lot of that is on me.

I know for example my irl friends talk to each other on the group chat and I'm able to join but there's a 50-50 chance I just won't because I feel so tired or upset or angry. I know I could probably make more friends if I made more of an effort but..It's hard. It takes so much effort for me. And I feel like I'm always fucking up with the friends I DO have, so besides any other issues, that alone makes me hesitant to try and befriend someone else.

And I guess....I'm just lonely. I just feel small and lonely and yet I know it's partially my fault and I know if I was more upfront with my friends about the issues I feel with keeping in contact sometime than it would be less of a wedge in my relationships with them, but. I don't know. I want to give an excuse but I don't have any except I really don't want to have that conversation.

And when my friends, most frequently online but also irl, say they can't talk because they're busy, a part of me always gets angry. Because I never let how busy I am effect how much I communicate, even if that means cutting into my hours of sleep by either talking late at night or putting off my work to talk and then having to work late at night when I'm tired. But I know that that that isn't fair, both because they're often busy to a different extent in different scenarios to me, AND because my willingness to cut into my sleep probably isn't really something that is healthy or advisable. But I still get angry about it, and that ironically makes me communicate less because I'm worried about the possibility of exploding at my friends when I know they don't deserve it.

On the other hand, I've dropped someone from my mental list of friends because he repeatedly says he's incredibly busy with something that's 10 times more minor than anything I'm doing right now, then completely drops off the radar for a month or more, then gets annoyed and upset at me when it feels awkward when he finally speaks to me again after potentially months of "Hi (Twyella)!" "Oh hey, you able to talk rn?" "No just wanted to check how you are..nvm gtg" being the only communication, weeks apart.

But I just....God. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I feel small. I want more friends who I have more honest, deeper relationships with, but I'm aware I probably wouldn't actually have the energy or mental capacity to really deal with that, I'd either start vanishing more often or start having more breakdowns and that's...Not really an option.

But god, I'm so fucking lonely.

I hate being alone.

It makes me so fucking sad...

[justsomedorklord]

Gonna get all sad and melodramatic for a second which is also kinda a sad way to view what I’m about to say cuz like, I think? I have the right to be upset? But being upset in public is Bad so uh but anyways

Just thinking about my mom again and how much it hurts to know she’ll probably never stop being a stubborn bullheaded right wing trump apologist Christian

Idk why I always fixate on mom when I worry about this, like for some reason it doesn’t bother me that my bro is also a Christian and not lgbt accepting but maybe that’s because he is NOT a trump apologist and he was nice enough not to call me his sister in front of a stranger which was hella rad.

Mimi is kinda in between Charlie and mom on this scale, but again, I’m not as upset at Mimi. I guess maybe because we’ve been able to have more productive conversations about it and she doesn’t just deflect.

Dad just...doesn’t really talk much. We don’t talk much. I guess we haven’t faced this at all yet.

But mom I’ve talked to and she throws the classic Christian defenses at me. Not only that but throws some shitty like...deliberate extra misgendering (only once tho and she hasn’t since I’ve called it out), blaming me for driving a wedge between us, and- actually that’s kinda where I want to camp out here

So like...I called mom one day so we could talk about everything. We wound up arguing and crying and it really super sucked and I can’t really generalize what we said but it was a lot. And at one point she said something like “you’re doing this. You’re forcing us apart” or whatever. Made a mention of my bro’s abusive ex and said not to make a wedge like she did or something like that.

Um so

Like she’s not wrong? I am the one changing the status quo. I’m the one bringing in the thing she can’t accept. I’m the reason we can’t just fucking get along. She wants to just pretend everything is okay, talk about random shit and just. Whatever. But every time I think about her I think about how much it sucks that she refuses to change her mind. How much it hurts that I can’t have her or the rest of my family involved in a really big part of my life.

I’m looking into getting on life changing hormones and getting SURGERY for the first time in my life, and I’m going to have to do it alone. Can you imagine if my parents were accepting? What if I asked them to help me figure this out? What if I could ask them to help pay for stuff because life is really hard and expensive rn and i just want to get through the first steps of transition so I can get on with my life. What if I felt like I could go to Virginia and live with my family while I got top surgery and I knew I’d be okay and they’d help me through that? Wouldn’t that be amazing?

What if I had a family who wasn’t voting for politicians who want to take my rights away? What if I had a family

Lol what if I had a family

I feel sick thinking about it. I’ve been exceptionally anxious and depressed lately and I’ve been spending too much money and I have to start paying my own auto insurance starting next month, I just...there’s so much. I don’t have irl friends to hang out with, all I do is work and talk to online friends. And eat too much.

I’m so tired of being misgendered. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of feeling guilty for not talking to my mom, cuz like? Yeah she raised me and she was good to me in my childhood with very minimal hiccups. Like didn’t I have great parents? I did, right? I do?

I shouldn’t be having nightmares where I’m in shouting matches with my mom. I shouldn’t be wondering if my life would be better off if I never spoke to her again. It shouldn’t be my fault but it is, really. I’m the one who changed. Sure, I was always a dude, but I used to be able to suppress it. I used to be able to call it something else. I ducked it all up lmao

I wonder sometimes if I could have just kept being a butch girl and been okay with that. But then I remember I would still support the lgbt community even if I weren’t part of it, so I would still be upset.

It’s starting to feel like I’m spiraling. With my eyes shut so I won’t know how close I am to crashing into the ground.

Funny how a few hours ago I was worrying about rp

I think mostly I’m just really fucking lonely