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holly-fixation · 2 years

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Until I'm Ready...

Summary: Daughters love their fathers more. Sons love their mothers more. It’s not fair. She only wants to be at his side. To learn, to help, to make him proud. But he spends his time on his Mother’s conquest, and refuses to bring her until she’s ready.

A retelling of “Until It’s Useful” from the perspective of Sephiroth’s daughter.

Please enjoy.

…

Her father was a god, a god that claimed a planet shortly after her birth. He was powerful, extraordinary, imperial. His presence alone carried the weight of the planet. He spent his days converting the planet as he saw fit, and how his Mother saw fit. He always listened to the Mother, but he never listened to his daughter, the one he saved from the wreckage of the city he used to obey.

Before, he would leave the home for a few hours at a time, so she tried to use the time wisely. He mentioned increasing her strength and speed, so she ran around as much as she could, even when he was there. She tried to climb the trees outside, but that never went well. He didn’t like her stories, but… he always came back. She loved hearing his voice. She loved watching his halo glow. He was so strong. So powerful. She just wanted to help, even if she only moved pebbles while he moved mountains. She didn’t like when he left. She wanted him here…

One day, she realized how much time he gave her back then, just after she turned four.

He said she was ready to live on her own, but all she wanted to do was protest. He hated it when she protested, so she learned very quickly not to try. He said he’d be back in a year, and if she was ready, he’d take her with him.

But what did ‘ready’ mean?

She was small. She was slow. She was weak. He wanted her to change. To grow faster. How? She spent the first two days on her own attempting to train her body, attempting to get stronger or faster or learn a skill he’d find helpful. She couldn’t get bigger on her own, but she could get stronger and faster!

She was determined, back then.

However, by the third day without her father, she didn’t want to wake up at dawn. She didn’t want to get out of bed and go through another day without him. She wanted to be held. She wanted to be warm. She was safe, but…she knew she was missing something.

The little girl slowly dragged out of her bed to her small closet, which had a few clean dresses and shoes at her height. But she didn't want that. She didn't want to get changed and go through the day. She wanted the blankets on the top shelf for more warmth, more weight, and hopefully some comfort.

Dropping the blanket off her shoulders, she tried to climb her shelves. She just wanted more blankets. More sleep…

But she couldn’t even get those, because the shelves were too far apart for her to climb, and the fabric remained just out of reach no matter how hard she tried to pull herself up.

Too small. Too weak. Not ready.

Her hand slipped and she fell back, thankfully landing well instead of falling to the ground. But she still failed at her simple, selfish task. She'd never be strong enough to help her father.

The little girl grabbed the original blanket and wrapped herself in it tightly, desperately hugging the edges as she sat against the side of her bed. She wanted her father. She needed her father. She's too alone. And he's never gonna come back if she can't even climb a simple shelf.

Tears left her eyes before she noticed them well.

…at least now, she didn't need to hide it…

She put her head on her knees, shaking and breathing deeply as she tried to stay silent through her ‘overly emotional reaction’. Father hated when she made noise. Father left because she didn’t stop. She only wanted his happiness. She only wanted his attention. His love. Why was that so hard? Why was she so weak…?

Maybe she should just sleep here. Maybe she didn’t need to wake up yet. She should just sleep…

And sleep she did, until the sun was high in the sky, past its peak and beginning its descent. Her eyes opened as her stomach growled violently. She held her hands to it as she forcibly kicked the blanket off. Food. She needed food, her mind fogged with hunger as she lifted herself up and slowly made her way to the pantry in the kitchen.

She sighed after opening the door. She didn’t know how much longer this would last, but it’s all she had. Completely alone. Her sadness almost made her forget her hunger once more. Almost. Another growl knocked her out of it, and she reached for a round fruit. But as she took it out, it slipped out of her hand and bruised on the floor. She huffed sadly and picked it off the ground, brushing it off against her dress. Why couldn’t she just hold it correctly? This wasn’t a problem before.

Was she…getting weaker…?

She inspected the skin for any signs of the debris along the ground before she took a bite of the cleaned fruit. But it didn’t taste as good as she wanted it to, and despite her hunger, she quickly found herself losing her appetite.

She wished she could go back to sleep. Time passed so quickly while she slept. She wanted to push this year away. Push five years away. Whatever it took to be near her father sooner.

She placed the barely eaten fruit on the table and began walking back to her room, feeling her own fragility at the lack of nutrition and lack of use in her sore muscles.

Finish the meal.

She looked down with the slightest wince, recognizing and denying the voice instantly. “No…” She countered simply, tensing against the command. She heard the voice her entire life. She knew who it was. But it didn’t stop her from denying it.

You need strength. Finish the meal.

“No… I don' wanna…” She mumbled through flubbed language, her unpracticed tongue trying to remember her father’s pronunciation, her ‘t’s disappearing and her ‘th’s coming out as soft ‘d’s. “You took Fa-ther away for-ever and ever… the Mo-ther took Fa-ther away…”

‘Mother’: the word she didn’t know the true meaning of. She only knew her father loved his Mother more. He had to, or he would’ve stayed.

He will return.

She shook her head, even if she felt it wasn’t a lie. “Not for long…” She countered, squeezing and flexing her hands. “I’m too weak…”

Get stronger.

She shook violently now. “I can’t…”

You can. With time.

“I can’t… I’m too small… Too use-less…” She mumbled, tears pooling in her eyes once more. “Why can’t I go with him…?! Why did you say no…?!”

You will be harmed.

“Fa-ther will pro-” She struggled to find the word, staring blankly until it dawned on her, “...protec' me… He can… I know he can…”

Without strength, you will slow him down.

“Then what do I do?!” She cried loudly, desperately, the pain in her chest blooming. It wasn’t like he could hear her, hear her emotions control her volume and tone. “What do I do!?” Only after her second question did she realize what she did, quickly curling away. “I…” She should apologize, but she couldn’t find the words. Father didn’t like it when she apologized. Or begged. Or cried…

Finish the meal. Learn to push yourself off the floor.

She recognized the feeling of struggle but not how to do it. “I don' get it… You're not mad a' me…?”

Speak with me when you finish your meal. And I will teach you more.

She still didn’t understand, but she obeyed for the promise of finally learning. With help, the possibility of reaching her goal only rose. She’d be with father. She hoped it was soon.

* * *

She messed up. She misjudged, miscalculated, and underestimated how far she needed to go. Seven years old. She really thought she could make it. She kept trying to get back in the sky, to fly even just a dozen feet above the ground to see where she needed to go. She did it all the time at the house. Why couldn’t she do it now?

Her stomach growled, painfully, a long drawn out groan that had her clutching her body and leaning against a tree for support, slowly sliding down the trunk. She curled into the smallest ball she could in an attempt to soothe the pain. How would she get out of here? What direction did she come from?

She didn’t know. She flicked off another twig in her clothing from the tree she crashed through, her eyes scanning her body unconsciously. Scratched, not injured, but dirty. That was her only conclusion.

She pushed herself too hard. She should’ve turned around the moment she felt tired. But what she actually did was force herself forward until her flight failed and she fell out of the sky like a rock.

Was she gonna make it home?

Her father wouldn’t be happy if he had to find her.

…would he leave again if she wasn’t there in time…?

She forced herself back up, stumbling her way through the empty woods. For as long as she knew, not a single creature lived in this forest. But as the sun began setting and shadows lengthened with the dimming orange, she twitched and winced away from every little sound, even her own. Her panicked walking had her adjusting direction multiple times to avoid certain paths or trees.

Eventually, the sky faded to black, and she was all alone. Completely alone.

No one talked to her. No one cared. Because she’s too small. Too weak. Completely useless.

She found herself at the base of another tree, her head in her knees as she tried to contain all her warmth.

Father… I'm sorry…

She knew he couldn’t hear her, but she hoped either Father or the Mother would find her out here.

But what if he doesn’t come…?

She couldn’t stop the tears from forming, but she did manage to swallow them. Not yet. Crying was weak. She did not want him to see her cry. Forcing her eyes closed, she desperately hoped that any sleep would restore her strength.

* * *

The next morning, after many rough and painful attempts at rest, the sun began to rise, tearing its light through the forest, bringing color back to all, including her. She didn’t mind the dark. She could see fine. She minded the… loneliness.

Father had to be at the home by now. He had to.

…but would he save her?

Would he find her?

She suddenly choked on her thought.

Would he leave her for another year as punishment…?

Tears fell this time, her body shaking, her eyes blurring.

What if he never came back…?

Would…would she die out here…?

Her tears kept coming in a river down her cheeks, her breath painfully laborious and bated as she tried with all she had to hold it back.

“I am the daughter of Sephiroth…” She whispered to herself shakily, trying to convince herself to move, to will herself to stop and move forward. “He is strong… He is fast… I will be at his side… I will…get up… I will…”

Yet her stomach roared, burning her from the inside. She clenched again. It was too late. Too painful. She was stuck. No…

To hide from her own internal struggles, she only tried to calm down with difficult breaths. She’s scared. She’s in danger. She needed help. Please, please, Father… Mother…

I’m too helpless…

She sobbed quietly.

I don’t wanna die… I don’t wanna be alone…

I can’t do this…

He’ll leave me here alone…

He should leave me here alone…

I… deserve… to be alone…

To be desperate…

To beg for forgiveness…

Because I can’t do anything right…

He’ll never come back for me…

I’m too weak… too small… to helpless…

Her well of tears dried, leaving nothing but painful, raspy breaths of slowly shredding emotion.

I’ll never aid the conquest…

I’ll never fulfill his dream…

I’m a bad daughter…

…would he be better without me…?

…he does love me though… right…?

Father…

…Father…?

She heard something, the vaguest rustling of leaves and pines, separate from the small wind through the trees. A new direction. A new cause. Maybe… maybe…?!

“Father…?” She carefully spoke aloud, trying not to strain her voice, or give away her location if somehow something did find her in this forest. But it was light, and floating, no steps on the floor of needles and moss, no impact. It could be.

It could.

“Is that you?” a little louder, she called just to be sure, slowly shuffling to her feet.

There was no response, but she felt it in her gut. It was him. He found her!

“Father!” She ran towards him, where she heard and felt him. He was a focus point for the last of her energy. But he found her. He looked for her. The joy, the happiness in her chest kept her going, rushing through the trees as she saw his light glow brighter and brighter. He came for me! He cares! I'm not alone!

Finally, she saw him waiting for her, his wings flowing as always, his ornate halo high above his head. He was always mesmerizing, but she couldn't focus on that. The look on his face, she slowed to a stop upon seeing it.

Her body tensed under his gaze. He was angry with her. She was so sorry. She wanted to apologize, she wanted him to know. But he didn’t want apologies. He wanted solutions. And he wanted it to never happen again.

But she was still a failure who could never promise such a feat. “Father, I…” Her mouth moved before her mind could stop it, but luckily, her mouth didn’t have the words either.

“What are you doing out here?” He demanded an answer, his intense voice all but ringing in her ears.

Suddenly, she didn’t want his sight. But she craved it at the same time. She was alone again, clutching her arms for a semblance of support. “I was…”

His eyes burned her. She wanted to hide. Either behind a tree, in a hole, or under his wings. Whatever it took to stop seeing that gaze.

These thoughts alone made her weak.

She inhaled. She exhaled. She forced her heart to calm and tried to release the tension everywhere else, to little success, before answering. She could do this. She could tell him. He found her. He found her…

“I learned how to fly,” She blurted out quickly.

She saw his brow raise, a silent invitation to continue explaining, perhaps even continue a story to reach a reasonable explanation. So, she started from the beginning.

“I wanted to meet you in the sky, as a surprise. So I’ve been practicing. Every day. For longer and farther and higher each time.” She sighed at the memory of her coming words, the sting in her sides and the scratches that healed overnight. “But I tested myself yesterday by trying to fly over this forest.” Yesterday morning, she believed with everything she had that she could make it. “I wanted to be ready for you. I wanted to be sure.” Her gaze finally broke to the floor, the disappointment in her own voice resonating through her body and weakening her resolve. “But I didn’t make it…”

I’m sorry…

“I fell through a tree…”

I’m sorry…

“and I got lost…”

I’m so sorry…

“and I’ve been here all night…”

Please forgive me…

He glared again, and she continued to cower, even after he began to answer. She had every apology planned.

A child of a god should never apologize.

But that was all she felt as he began lecturing her on her decision.

How asinine.

None of the energy left in her tiny body regulated her emotions, and she snapped. “No I’m not!” She suddenly yelled and stomped her feet, countering the comment with whatever she had. She wasn’t dumb. She tried too hard to be called dumb. She was too tired for this now. “I flew a hundred laps around the house! I’m not stupid! I just made a mistake!”

A mistake that proves you do not have the strength to join him yet.

“I know I’m not strong enough! Or big enough! Or fast enough! I’m not ready… I know I’m not but I wasn’t trying to be...” She kept yelling, her eyes anywhere but her father.

What were you trying to accomplish with this?

“I just wanna watch!” She begged. “How am I supposed to learn anything if you don’t let him bring me?”

“Nova.”

That sharp tone instantly snapped her attention to him. Oh no. Was he talking to her too? She couldn’t understand him over the Mother.

“Don’t you dare speak to her like that.”

She looked down, disappointed in herself for making him mad for another reason today. So tired… She’s so tired. “I’ll stop… but She said it was okay as long as we came to an agreement.”

It took a few seconds before he responded. “Don’t, do it again.”

She nodded slowly, clutching her arms again.

“How long has she spoken to you?”

Her brows knotted. How long? What does that mean? Like, how long since? Since what? “I don’t understand the question,” She settled on her answer.

“When did you first hear her?”

She thought back, and shrugged. As long as she could remember, she heard Her. “I always hear her. When she’s talking to me…” She sighed and shook her head before listing another truth that would increase his disappointment in her, “I know you two talk, but I can barely hear a mumble between you.”

“How often does she speak to you?”

“All the time.” Her answer came without hesitation, but there had to be a better detail, a better way. She glanced away again, cringing at her own poor explanations. She was so alone. But for some reason, the Mother helped. “...she taught me how to speak… kind of… It’s complicated…”

Her stomach roared, reminding her of the pain she awoke with, and she grabbed at the sound with a sheepish look in her eyes.

His curiosity dropped. Now his glare returned. “You’re hungry.”

She couldn’t hide it. She needed food, nodding slowly in acceptance. “...and tired…”

With a slow breath, he lowered, folding his wings in an arc around him on the ground, and offered his hand. He was perfect. Everything he did was perfect and elegant, while she managed to ruin every attempt to reach him. “Come. You’re going home.”

He’s gonna leave again… Her eyes were wide and misted, not enough to release tears but to reflect the shine of his halo like the ocean does the moon. “I wanna go with you… please…” She’s begging. She’s never gonna aid him now. But it’s too late, the words decided to leave her mouth before he even had the chance to speak again. “I can… follow and watch… just for today… I-I’ll be quiet…” She knew she ruined the day, and she knew her begging was more than likely to get her into more trouble. But she had to try. “That’s all I ask, Father…”

Sephiroth sighed. She fully expected to be dropped off at the home and be alone again in a flash. She feared his response before he even formed one.

“After you eat, show me your flight, and I will consider it.”

Her red eyes flickered in excitement, but she needed to control her emotions, especially after the outburst. She grabbed his hand tightly, gripping to him like a lifeline that could disappear at any moment. Please forgive me.

* * *

Nova did exactly as Sephiroth asked. She cleaned up. She ate. She flew. She was terrified of his answer. Terrified of another no. Terrified of being stuck in this home alone again for another year.

When he accepted, the smile on her face physically hurt, but she didn’t mind. She met his three conditions without hesitation: ask when she cannot keep up to return home, repeat everything the Mother tells her, and do not speak otherwise. She obeyed. She followed. She relayed the messages, especially the one about not holding back.

His power was incredible.

He used magic she never even imagined. He moved mountains like clockwork. The colors from the spells and flashes were breathtaking. She never saw anything like it. When she was very, very young, he held back around her. Now, here he was, truly deserving and portraying the godhood he gained from the old world.

She tried. She really tried to keep up with him, to stay by his side. To watch. To learn, or at least try to. But she never got rest, and she desperately needed that sleep. Should she sleep on this mountain?

No. She didn't want to get in his way at all. If he needed to adjust to this mountain too, she needed a new spot. Then an idea popped into her head.

She really. Really. Hoped he'd let her.

The little girl slowly forced her flight to return to her father's side. Just give him some time to adjust, she told herself before grabbing the wing in the center of his left side. It should be good. She followed the wing, paralleled to the tip as its oscillating flaps kept her father aloft.

It was so…so soft.

She latched onto it with all she could spare.

Her father had not spoken a word, so assuming he allowed this, her entire body clamped to the wing, her knees, calves, forearms and hands all squeezing the wing like a vice.

But she knew her strength could not hurt him, so she did not hold back.

It felt so nice. She slowly rested her head above the joint to make it move slightly less than the rest of her body. With a final sigh, her exhaustion claimed her, her eyes closing softly and her breathing slowed to welcome her to the realm of sleep.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she hoped he would let her stay. She missed him so much…

She felt an arm scoop under her and pry her off the wing. No… she whined silently, at least she hoped it was silent. No… I wanna stay…

At first, she was sad, her closed eyes portraying her sorrow. She didn’t want to go home. This was ‘keeping up’ with him, right…?

Carefully, her entire front pressed against something warm, and hard feathers supported her back. She tried to reach for a semblance of proof, wrapping her arms around his neck. Sure enough, it worked. She silently adjusted, all but beaming with happiness she released with a single sigh.

Safe. Warm. Protected.

She felt the magic flow through him for each spell, felt the slightest shock and vibration, but it only soothed her further. She wasn’t stopping him. She didn’t slow him down. She was just there, finally allowed to just be there with him. She wished this could last forever…

“Father…” Her traitorous voice left her throat delicately. She only had one thing to say.

“Yes, Nova?” His voice was so close to hers, so calm, so deep she felt it against her cheek.

Was she really gonna say it?

…yes, she was.

With the slightest hesitation, she mumbled against him, “...I love you…”

Suddenly his magic stopped. His conquest stopped. Please don’t let this be it… Don’t take me home yet… Please…

A moment of silence passed between them. She didn’t know what he was thinking, her eyes closed as she tried to listen to the muffled order of the Mother to her father.

He planted a single ‘kiss’ to her hair and pet soft circles along her back. She practically liquefied at the caring touch, not daring to speak another word for fear of losing this moment too soon. She molded to her father, her rest slowly claiming her consciousness whole.

Eventually, her red eyes opened naturally to a perfect view of her father against a blackened sky, his own glow preventing the sight of the stars. It was late. Too late…

“Father…” She mumbled as she rubbed her eyes, sad to finally admit it. “I’m ready to go home…”

He nodded, and for some reason, placed a second kiss on her hair. She practically froze in surprise, relishing in the touch she craved every moment alone in her shelter. He placed his hand on her back for support and flew back to the forest with incredible speed. She curled against his shoulder to hide from the cold wind of rapid flight.

Sooner than she hoped, she was fed, cleaned, and back in her bed. She looked down as he watched over her, knowing she shouldn’t ask if she was ready. Knowing the answer was no.

“...Did I do good today…?” Her question came so quietly, but her father always understood.

For the first time in her active memory, Sephiroth smirked softly at her. “You did well, Nova.”

She was so happy. She finally did something right. “Thank you for taking me, Father…”

He pet her head softly. “Sleep well,” was his only response before she nodded, and he left again, the door closing behind him.

She watched him leave through the glass of her window, silently hoping, praying, he would return soon. She was good. She did well. Maybe she was finally closer, finally on the verge of joining him every day. Finally strong enough to stand by his side. She hoped, for it was all she could do.

Thanks for reading!

Sephiroth's Perspective

Author's note: I never expected to do this. This is another case of being cursed to write. I probably should've been studying for my exam this week but eh, I'll make it work. Hope you enjoyed what I am terribly embarrassed about.

#The calamity from the sky speaks to small child #Insane Sephiroth is a bad dad who knew #Safer Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII)#Sephiroth's Daughter (OC)#Father-Daughter Relationship #small child only knows Jenova as 'Mother' which is just not correct #Well not technically #or yes technically?#small child angst #self doubt #Angst with a Happy Ending #Sephiroth #sephiroth #final fantasy vii #ffvii #Jenova #jenova

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