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sleepy-shutin · 2 years

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my thoughts on spoctor’s video about “system tiktok”

just watched the spoctor video i’ve seen everyone bitching about today. i have a lot of thoughts about it, and a lot of people probably aren’t going to like them.

i actually *really* liked that video. it wasn’t 100% accurate in how it described everything, and was in general a simplified understanding of DID to help people without it understand it, but i really enjoyed it. the video went really in depth into how, whether you have DID or not, publicizing your mental illness for followers online is unhealthy as hell, how people are faking DID, consciously or not, to fit in with others and how some are convincing their friends/others that they have DID when they don’t.

this video did a lot to validate and humanize people with DID, *as well as* people who are faking/confused about having it or even just exaggerating the symptoms of their pre-existing DID. it also doesn’t ignore or downplay these problems and the effects it’s had on the community.

many have considered this video “fakeclaim-y” or have shit on spoctor for being a “singlet” (when as far as i know, he’s never stated whether he has DID or not), when if you actually look at the clinical context of DID, spoctor is correct on many things, and has clearly done his research, or at the very least, a lot more than some of the people in the community claiming to have DID have done.

spoctor said some things about introjects that i don’t think are entirely true, namely questioning the trauma that specific introjects could hold, such as an introject of angel dust, when i find that there could be a myriad of things that a person who likes angel dust, as a character who is a drug addicted sex worker that also has sexual trauma, could latch onto, whether you like the character personally or not, (i.e. relating to his struggles with drugs, relating to his struggles with what could be a form of sex addiction or hypersexuality, relating to his hypersexuality in conjunction with his sexual trauma, relating to having been a sex worker and the trauma that can/often does come with being a sex worker, etc)--not that angel dust is a /sympathetic/ and /informed/ portrayal of these experiences, however i can see an edgy kid being consistently sexually abused and using drugs to cope heavily relating to even a character like angel dust.

as well as the fact that i do firmly believe that someone could introject a youtuber while experiencing a lot of trauma if they’re using that youtuber for comfort pretty consistently through the trauma, though i’d consider it more likely for this to happen with TV shows and books than youtubers personally.

but also he is 100% correct that introjects outside of abusers and caretakers and fictional characters (even these are mostly going to be characters from childhood) are *rare*. statistically speaking, introject-heavy systems are *rare*, and many of the people that claim to be introject heavy systems are not, because they’re either confused on how many alters/introjects they actually have, (due to the community hyping up the idea of introjects, with people feeling the need to fit in and accidentally inflating their alter count with alters they don’t have), or because they outright don’t have DID in the first place.

and even then, that’s only *part* of the video. most of the people complaining about this one thing in the beginning haven’t even touched on the actual *meat* of the video, because they’re so fixated on this one part. god dammit, it’s a 30 minute video. what about the rest of it?

the rest of the video explains how DID is formed, explains dissociation and amnesia, as well as trauma and PTSD, and also goes into how publicizing your mental health issues, whether you actually have them or not, is dangerous. as he puts it, when you frame your mental health problems on the wall, one day you may not want to take them down. that is dangerous, because it is anti-recovery. it doesn’t help you get better from your mental health issues, it encourages you to get worse so that you can keep the social media cycle going for yourself, whether it’s for money or attention or fame or friends or what.

the video talks about how many people will reflect each other’s behaviors and personalities to fit in, because humans are very social creatures, and how this can translate into people mistakenly identifying with DID when they don’t actually have it, just to fit in, or how other people could (intentionally or not) manipulate others into believing that they have DID when they don’t actually have it because they want their friends and the people around them to be like them. even when this is genuinely well-intentioned, misinformation on DID is what causes this to happen in the first place. when you don’t understand that people are naturally complex and multifaceted and nuanced, and have parts similar to those with DID without having the amnesia/dissociative barriers, then you start to believe that a lot more people have DID than they actually do.

this misinformation and misunderstanding of the singlet experience vs. the DID experience, and misunderstandings of amnesia, alters, dissociation, etc, are a plague. and these are things that happen that a lot of the DID community tends to brush under the rug in favor of aggressive validation of every experience relating to DID, which only contributes to mistaken (self) diagnosis and misinformation on how the disorder actually works.

don’t get me wrong, i know why people are afraid of recognizing that people fake DID, because they believe it will lead to a slippery slope of people just suddenly fakeclaiming every experience under the sun just for the fun of it. the thing is, this doesn’t happen when everyone in the community actually understands how DID works, when the community is actually working together to spread the most accurate possible information on DID that we currently have, which the community largely has not been these past few years. the DID community has not been committed to presenting an accurate and well-informed understanding of DID to anyone, including itself, for a while. it’s people like subsystems, circular, justanothersyscourse, traumascumathena, myself, and various other bloggers in the community that are actively trying to mitigate the spread of misinformation about DID within the community.

i liked this video because it displays exactly the uncomfortable information that some of the DID community really needs to hear. that people fake DID. that some people are misinformed about having DID, or how alters actually work. that not everyone who claims to have DID is an expert on it, that they can inflate their alter count accidentally or on purpose. that they can exaggerate their symptoms for social media attention, or because they feel like they have to for any reason. that they can portray an inaccurate idea of how DID works, either on purpose or accidentally. that people can mis-self diagnose with DID and not know it. that people can mis-diagnose others with DID and not know it, or even do it purposefully. that people can accidentally imitate what their friends are doing to fit in. that DID and mental health, right now, are legitimately a trend that people are denying is a trend. that misinformation is prevalent, and people refuse to believe that others will lie or misinform others on the internet either intentionally or even accidentally.

a lot of people in the DID community are so misinformed, yet seem to call themselves educators or think that they’re experts on the disorder who are qualified to say what is and isn’t possible in DID, despite having no background in DID treatment and education, and haven’t even read a book about the subject. a lot of these people in the community also tend to have only known about their DID for a few months, meanwhile people who have known about their DID for several years are struggling to combat the misinformation of the newcomers that somehow only become more and more popular, and drunk on the influence they have.

this is what contributes to the creations of incredibly misinformed and sourceless carrds, tiktoks, twitter threads, etc, that have done so much damage over time. people here can’t link sources because they haven’t read them, and the ones they do link are simplified explanations of simplified explanations, and are about as far as they’ve actually read into the disorder. it’s not information of any kind of substance, and at best, serves as a basic understanding of the disorder and nothing more.

i liked this video a lot, because it said a lot of things that i and many other people have been trying to say for a long time, and just haven’t been loud enough for others to hear.

overall, this is a *good* video. it is a great simplified explanation of how DID and dissociation work, as well as explaining some of the trend that DID has become on places like tiktok. and believe it or not, it takes an incredibly kind approach to people who mistakenly believe they have DID, or those who (intentionally or accidentally) exaggerate their symptoms online because of social media.

this video is not mean, this video is not ill-intentioned, and most of all, the people that are criticizing the video just because spoctor didn’t say anything about whether or not he had DID, and are calling him a singlet over criticizing the way the DID community has become on tiktok and other social media platforms, are completely missing the *actual* message of the video.

if you’ve found yourself disliking this video, think really hard about what specifically you dislike the most about it, and why, because you need to find out if it’s a problem worth criticizing, or if it’s actually just a *you* problem.

this post is not about endogenics. if you don’t have DID/OSDD-1 and/or aren’t a dissociative system, then this post is not about you. your experiences are left out of the post on purpose because the post and the video in question are about DID.

#part zero #syscourse #spoctor

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wisteria-lodge · 3 years

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exploded bird + lion secondary (badger model)

Good afternoon Wisteria! I was hoping for your input with my sorting. This MAY become a novel, and i apologize ahead of time for that. Hopefully its interesting, if nothing else.

I am having trouble with both my primary and secondary. Ive thought i had it figured out so many times and then i would reanalyze myself and get confused. So i guess ill start with primaries. I can tell you for sure that i am not a snake primary. I just cant love another person quite like that. I grew up in a very snake primary environment and never felt i really fit in. I really appreciate snakes and i understand them, but i dont think i am one. I also very much pride myself on my individuality and dont bond to groups so i believe that may rule out badger. I think ive narrowed it down to exploded bird or really confused lion.

Interesting. So far so good. Let’s hear what you’ve got.

Right now in life, with all the information coming at me, all the data, all of the twists and turns, media bias, conspiracy theories, rabbit holes and objective realities, i cant figure out the truth.

… sounds like an Exploded Bird to me.

I think all theories are worth investigating and rabbit holes are fun. But i hate hypocrisy. And its everywhere.

I mean, everyone hates hypocrisy… but I think Birds find it *unforgivable.*

I cant organize all of this information.

Exploded Bird.

Dude. Whats gonna happen if deep fake becomes the norm?

eh, Photoshop has been the norm for a long time and we do okay. Some fakes have always been better than others, and there have always been fakes.

I feel like the safest thing to do is to fully understand myself. Then i can analyze and understand the world.

I would agree with that.

I would say that hands down i was an exploded bird, but i feel very strongly about things right away. But then i learn about them more and if my feelings were wrong, ok. Whatever.

This is still Bird. It’s not that Birds can’t feel strongly about things right away. They do, they just don’t feel safe TRUSTING those feelings. Instead they do… exactly what you’re describing here. Learn more, and then if it turns out their initial feelings were wrong… that’s fine, actually. The feelings are of secondary importance.

BUT i also WANT black and white. I want right and wrong. Grey, though necessary and true, bugs me.

… there’s a reason why I call young Birds Black-and-White Birds.

Deep down i crave to just understand something as it is. But one persons truth is not anothers. I get that. But it still bothers me in my bones.

That’s a very Bird primary angst. Birds can have this *fantasy* that if only everyone had all the information and thought it though properly, that everyone would come to the same (correct) conclusion. And then have to grapple with the fallout when they realize things don’t work that way. As a Lion… I’ve never had to fight that particular monster.

I can also seem like i make snap decisions based on feelings to others, but i just know what i want. If something sounds good, i want to do it. At that moment. No hesitation… i think im meshing into secondary territory here

I agree. Improvisational secondary, sounds like.

so ill just go with it. So my bedroom walls are lilac purple and my kitchen is BRIGHT yellow, because those colors sounded interesting. At that moment. I tend to jump into a project having no idea what im doing. I just thought it sounded like fun.

Comfortable making decisions on a whim, just jumping in. Very improvisational.

But thats not really a way to problem solve. When i start said project and then run into a problem, usually ill read about it, or ask someone who knows more than me. The “i know a guy” bird kind of applies here. I know how to make connections within my community and i plan for that. I think about who would be useful to know, based on my goals.

You know, this could be Bird. But I’m kind of skewing more Badger because of the emphasis on community and asking for help. And keeping an eye on ‘who is powerful, who is useful to know’ is a pretty common Badger secondary model manifestation.

But i dont think i build tools like a bird. In fact, binge watching videos on how to do something annoys me. Takes all the fun out of it.

I still think you’re an Improvisational secondary - and a Badger secondary model is *more* likely than a Bird secondary model.

I am always honest with people and i like that about me, but its not out of some need to stay true to myself. Its just because i have learned that honesty works the best most of the time.

So not Lion *primary* then. This is all about method. You don’t lie, because you don’t find it to be a very practical problem-solving method. Being very direct does work, so at this point… Lion is more likely than snake.

Now, dont get me wrong, i am an excellent liar. But only if its on the fly.

Hmm. Maybe a Snake who’s in neutral all the time?

This conflicts big time with my primary, however, so i rarely ever do.

Interesting. Lying conflicts with your (hypocrisy hating) Bird primary, so you don’t do it. Instead you are very direct, and that works well for you. You *can* lie (on the fly) but you generally don’t. Neutral Snake? Snake secondary model? Depending on how you define lying, could even be Courtier Badger. (I am ruling out constructed Actor Bird.)

I feel like ive gone all over the place in a highly disorganized way, so i will state that now i am going to give some anecdotal data. One time, as an adult, i was hanging out with a bunch of kids on a hayride. A little boy killed a butterfly. I was outraged. I called him out. I told him that he just took away the only life that creature would ever have and that was cruel.

Very loud Idealist primary.

This somehow turned into a question and answer school session about human biology, mammals and why on earth is water in a cup clear, but when you dive into the ocean, its blue?

Some kind of social secondary… and I know the obvious thing is to say 'trotting out a lot of facts, that’s bird.’ But I’m seeing you defuse a situation by leveraging your immediate community (Q&A session)? Badger.

I like being the person that gets the scary bugs out of the house because i feel brave when i do.

Sounds pretty Lion secondary.

When in an emergency situation i completely disconnect and become a calm, knowledgeable person.

This is actually a pretty common just, human thing. When things get bad enough, your lizard brain takes over, and everything is very calm and dreamlike.

I suddenly magically know what needs to be done and work with my environment.

Improvisational secondary.

Im also very aware of how everyone else is doing in that situation and i have an innate need to make people feel better so im usually the first to lighten the mood. Ill focus on others before myself if im hurt. Im more aware of how they are doing than how i am doing and i will make an effort to help them first.

Ah yes, the 'tend and befriend’ threat response. Very familiar. And yeah, going from this description I’m going to say very social badger.

In video games… skyrim is best here i think. I want to be a sneaky mage thief. But when something attacks me, without thinking i run right up to it and hit it with my fists without armor.

lol lion. (The classic Badger secondary strategy is BUFF ARMOR. I always play tanks.)

But i get really sad if its an animal.Those wolf whimpers get to me every time.

No one likes the wolf whimpers.

Ok. Ok. Ive rambled enough. Thank you for reading! Any input is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Exploded Bird, easy. And probably a Lion secondary with a very social Badger secondary model that’s working well for you.

#sortinghatchats #bird lion #birdpri #lionsec #badger secondary model #courtier badger #sortme #wisteria sorts #exploded bird

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cockbiteproductions · 4 years

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just another person Going Through It with hashtag ryangate lol f

i was going through jeremy’s twitter likes because someone said he liked friend of mine’s tweet about feeling bad for fiona in this situation and i wanted to see it myself. and then i scrolled down and in the older likes was a tweet from ryan qrting the rt account from like october 1st and he had attached a video of him. and the date just struck me as so fucking recent. this was less than a week ago. less than a week ago everything was fine and he was acting like he hadn’t done any of this shit and business was carrying on as normal. and i just viscerally had to close the tab and get up and go outside on a walk.

and i just hate this i hate how deeply ryan was embedded in rt and ah and how many years of memories are tainted now. just a few hours ago i was like oh well maybe ill go watch [an ah video] to make myself feel better but then i remembered i can’t. like even if he wasn’t in it i couldn’t, it all just feels dirty now. i don’t want to in a year from now open up an old ah video and then immediately have to close it because ryan was in it. like going back to old old ah videos and seeing ray in it is a pleasant surprise but seeing ryan would just be. like almost every time i type his name i have to pause and physically shudder. it just fucking sucks. i hate that years of positive memories are now fucked up because of him. god how hard is it to not cheat on your wife with fans.

and i keep going back and forth on being able to laugh about this. like joking to lighten with the fuckery of it all and being glad that he has been exposed for the creepy and cheating fucker he is. like i keep remembering this one tweet i saw that was like “lol rip to everyone who bought a ryan body pillow” and it’s fucking hilarious and i laugh every time i think about it. but then 2 seconds later i remember those people legitimately looked up to him and found him to be a source of comfort. and how fucked up i would be if My Favorites were exposed for something like this and then it just isn’t funny anymore. and it wasn’t like i didn’t like ryan like he was a solid member in the ah cast and i very much liked him in videos and i already feel like shit because of this. so ill see people making jokes about this and laugh momentarily and then think to myself ok stop being fucking rude this isn’t funny stop making jokes about this. even though i was laughing myself a second ago.

but also i feel like just the tiniest smidgen of sympathy for him in having his nudes leaked like. fuck. if that happened to me i would be mortified. and people are making jokes about it and how he looks and it just doesn’t sit right with me like i know he did a terrible thing but god those were still personal and he didn’t deserve nudes of him leaked. like i guess some people could argue it’s retribution for what he did but i’ve never been one for revenge except in the most extreme cases and i know this is bad it’s so bad i understand what he did was terrible i even answered an ask explaining why but this isn’t one of those Most Extreme cases im willing to say that he deserves this.

and also in the comments of that ryan situation video from tessa i kept seeing things that were like “i have no sympathy for you. you knew what you were doing. you knew he had a wife and kids.” and. i understand what kind of point you are trying to make here but truly i don’t think they understand the power parasocial relationships can hold over people. they are your favorite person. you would do practically anything to feel close to them. and especially at that young age. like not to discount the critical thinking skills of a seventeen year old because i mean i was seventeen once and i had a brain but with the idol worship/stan culture and not fully developed brain you cannot possibly think that what she did was entirely of her own. i dont know the word im going for here. i guess of her own volition. that’s not very right but i can’t think of another word right now. like to a small small degree she is culpable for what she did there but not NEARLY anywhere in the ballpark of what ryan did. ryan, in his 30s at the time, married with children, should have absolutely known better and not been recipient &| solicit sex from his fans. they’re just nowhere near the same ballpark of blame in this.

and as for ryan’s tweet like. “i made mistakes.” yeah bro you sure fucking did. mistakes is the weakest word for it i can think of. god again just how fucking hard is it to not cheat on your wife. but the “please stop harassing and threatening my family” like holy shit i am livid that people are doing this. they are the victims of this and people are going after them????? what is wrong with people. everything about this is disgusting.

since i guess i’m just ranting about everything about this right now also in relation to ah’s tweet on monday about cancelling the stream, the quote rts were so fucking wild. like you had people defending ryan and saying that even if the rumors were true, they would continue to stand by him. and then on the other hand people were calling ah cowards for having replies turned off and saying it was classic rt, avoiding the problem. like the news broke literally that previous night. an account is posting actual pornographic material in the replies of tweets about ryan. in what fucking world would they have replies to that tweet on. no way should a social media manager have to deal with that. and it’s been less than a fucking day you can’t say they’re fucking avoiding the problem when you haven’t given them time to actually come up with anything. i’m surprised ryan “resigned” as soon as he did. all of you have 0 fucking brain cells and no sense of nuance and i fucking hate it here.

oh and i keep thinking about how he was the voice for a villain this season of rvb and now i wonder if they’re going to get someone to redo the voice.

also i guess if you continue to post ryan content ill probably unfollow you like i get having a comfort person/character i really do and i get that the vagabond or whatever is almost an entirely separate concept from ryan at this point but i personally cannot handle seeing him on my dash anymore so nothing against you but i don’t want to see it.

#teresa talks #rt wank #tldr: this sucks; if you post ryan content after this for my own sake i will be unfollowing #oh and i guess don't reblog that shouldnt have to be said but some of yall will rb almost any post i make #once again i will be ignoring asks sent about this

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girlsgonemildblog · 4 years

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There Was So Much Crying - The Bachelor, Season 25, Week 11 & After The Final Rose Recap

Image from abc.com

We made it. We finally arrived at the finale of what may have been the longest season of The Bachelor ever. Perhaps not in weeks and episodes, but definitely in years it took off my life. The episode opens with shots of Matt and the two remaining ladies, Michelle and Rachael, all looking very serious. Rachael was even staring pensively off in the distance while writing in her journal. Every season there’s a shot of one of the final girls journaling, and I refuse to believe that that many people keep a journal. I try to journal, and I am good for like two entries a month, and that’s only until I completely forget about journaling for half a year until I find the notebook in a drawer I never open.

Matt then goes and sees his mom, Patty, and older brother, John, who looked so much like him it was actually distracting.

Matt’s family first meets Michelle, and Patty starts crying almost immediately. Michelle and John then go off to speak privately, and it was clear that John prepped for this conversation. He had a line of questioning memorized, and they were personal, such as “When was your last relationship?” and “Why did it end?” I think John would get along well with Michelle’s kindergarteners.

Patty then gets a chance to talk with Michelle, and the two of them had an instant connection. Serious bonding happened. Patty starts crying (again) because she is so happy that Matt has found love. I would be remiss if I did not say that if my boyfriend’s mom were crying like this, it would be a red flag for me. Like, why are you this grateful that someone is willing to be with your son? What is wrong with him that you’re not telling me?

The next day it is Rachael’s turn with the Jameses, and John lays into her just as much as he did Michelle. He hits her with questions like “How many relationships have you been in?” and “Have you ever been in love?” It did not seem like he was as satisfied with her answers as he was with Michelle’s. When Rachael talks to Matt’s mom, they discuss the importance of religion in both of theirs, and Matt’s, lives. Patty cries, and Rachael says that the show is “God’s way of bringing her and Matt together.” God, Chris Harrison, same difference.

After Rachael leaves, Matt gets a chance to debrief with his mom and brother. His mother seems to like both girls, which was probably quite unhelpful for Matt, who needed to decide between the two. She also says that she does not think Matt is ready to get engaged, which was pretty evident at this point. She then goes into quite a speech about how “love ends,” and it’s “not the end all be all.” Patty’s clearly been through a lot, and desperately needs to go to therapy. John counters by telling his brother that he supports him no matter what, but he also shouldn’t jump into a decision if he is not ready.

This whole conversation (understandably) confuses Matt, and he asks to speak with Chris Harrison. He tells Chris that he’s unsure if he’s ready to get married and fills him in on the conversation with his mom. Chris simply replies, “that’s a lot to unpack,” which is a very fitting response. He then tries to talk Matt into it in an attempt to salvage what has ultimately been a complete shit-show of a season. My personal opinion is that if you’re not sure if you’re ready to get engaged, you’re not ready to get engaged. You need to be 100% confident before you get down on one knee. (I also think you need to be 100% confident the other person will say yes, but I won’t get into that right now.)

The next day, Matt takes Michelle to the top of a building and brings her dangerously close to the edge with her eyes closed. When she does open her eyes, he announces that they will be repelling down the side, and that would be the point where I would break up with him. If he really loved her, he wouldn’t ask her to risk her life. Matt was really bad at the repelling but still took it upon himself to explain how to do it to Michelle, who was having no issues. That night, Matt goes over to Michelle’s hotel room. She gives him a gift; matching “World Changing Warriors” basketball jerseys with “Mr. James” and “Mrs. James” on the backs and he then breaks up with her. She says to him, “just tell me where you’re at,” and he responds, “I don’t think I can get there with you.” Harsh, to say the least.

The following day, we see Rachael getting ready for her own date with Matt. Chris Harrison then knocks on her door, and she is delighted to see him, unfortunately not realizing what is happening. Chris Harrison does not show up with good news. Chris tells Rachael that Matt’s going through some things and doesn’t want to see her today (imagine getting stood up on The Bachelor), but conveniently omits that Michelle was sent home the previous night.

Matt meets with Neil Lane, the official diamond provider of Bachelor Nation. Neil asks Matt if Rachael is expecting a proposal, and he says, “she’s expecting honesty.” Uh, no, Matt. She is definitely expecting a proposal.

Rachael gets a date card asking her to “meet me by the lake,” which is extremely ominous. Rachael does meet him and gives her pre-proposal speech, which is filled with clichés like, “I’m not gonna run when it gets tough,” and “when you’re hurting, I’m hurting.” Matt then tells her that he can’t propose to her (then why the hell did he get that ring?), but he still wants to “commit” to her. Then they all lived happily ever after. Just kidding, she got exposed on the internet, and the whole show exploded.

Which brings me to the third hour of the finale, “After the Final Rose”. Because Chris Harrison decided celebrating slavery was defendable, he’s been put in time out, and Emmanuel Acho was asked to step in and host. For those who are not familiar, Acho is a former linebacker for the Philadelphia Eagles (go birds!) and current analyst on Fox. He also wrote a book titled Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man and hosts a video series on topics involving race.

Emmanuel brings out Michelle first, who looked stunning. She tells Emmanuel that after she was sent home, she asked for two minutes with Matt, not to change his mind but just to get closure, but he refused, which is actually pretty shitty of him. Emmanuel then asks for her thoughts on Rachael’s scandal. Michelle, very tactfully, says that those photos hurt her and that she does believe Rachael has a good heart, but she was just ill-informed and inconsiderate.

Matt then comes out to speak with Michelle. She confronts him over how she was forced to walk away without closure, and he says he wishes he had pushed more for that conversation. This phrasing interested me because it implied that not speaking with her may not have been his choice alone. As Oprah would say, was he silent, or was he silenced? Emmanuel asks Michelle if she still loves him. She says that she still cares for him, and he will always hold a piece of her heart. She also roasts him by saying he needs to come up with more phrases than “thank you for sharing that with me.”

It is then Matt’s turn to speak alone, and oh boy, did he look tired. It was so painfully clear that he just wanted to be done with this whole thing. He and Emmanuel discuss how he was under extra scrutiny because he was the first Black bachelor and how he is the only representation of a Black man in some of the viewers’ homes. Matt speaks about how other leads would only be asked to find love, but he also had to represent all Black men. Emmanuel asks him how much of the pressure may have been internalized, and Matt responds that the pressure comes from the fact that Black people are conditioned to make people comfortable with their Blackness.

Their conversation then shifts to his relationship with Rachael, and Emmanuel asks what made Matt first fall for her. He says her authenticity, which is a bit ironic in hindsight. Matt then breaks down their trajectory after leaving Pennsylvania. At first, they were in a honeymoon phase. When the rumors started bubbling about Rachael’s past, Matt dismissed them as rumors and just tried to be there for her. He said that “you hear things that are heartbreaking and pray that they’re not true.” When he discovered they were true, he was taken back to growing up in the south and the people and places that made him feel unwelcome. Eventually, he broke up with her. He said it was a tough conversation, but “if you don’t understand that that’s problematic in 2018, then there’s a lot of me you won’t understand.”

Emmanuel then spoke to Rachael one-on-one. He shows her the controversial photo, and she says she sees “someone who was living in ignorance without thinking who it would be hurting.” Her use of the phrase “someone who” is important to note because she is separating herself from the actions and thus not actually taking responsibility for them. She also says that she never asked herself about where the tradition comes from because if she had, she would’ve immediately realized it was problematic. Remember she said this, it’ll come up later. Emmanuel asks her who is to blame for her ignorance, and she says there is no excuse. This is the point where it became painfully clear that everything she was saying had been scripted and rehearsed a thousand times. Acho also asked her what steps she was taking to educate herself, which she did not actually answer. She said it wasn’t about reading books and watching documentaries (you know, the tools of education) and even said, “we need to take action.” I’m not sure who the “we” she was referring to is exactly because she was the only one on that stage who was photographed playing Slave-Owner.

Matt joins Emmanuel and Rachael, and calling the situation awkward would be an understatement. Matt clearly didn’t want to have to talk to her anymore, and it was evident that a lot more went on during their break up than either of them were willing to say. Emmanuel asks Matt if there is anything else he has to say to Rachael, and he was silent for a long time. They went to a commercial break, and when they came back, he was still silent for a good 10 seconds. I would’ve taken that as a no, but they just kept on waiting. Eventually, Matt says that the most disappointing thing was having to explain to Rachael why the party was problematic. Remember back when Rachael said, “if I had just asked myself where the tradition came from, I would’ve immediately understood it was problematic”? Well, apparently, that was bullshit because in the year 2021, she didn’t, and she clearly fought with Matt about it and defended herself. In addition, Matt tells her that she doesn’t fully understand his Blackness, and she wouldn’t understand that for their kids. He also points out to Emmanuel that he didn’t sign up for this conversation, which I found such a perfect encapsulation of why this entire situation has been so unfair to Matt. Emmanuel asks Matt if the door is still open for a relationship with Rachael, and Matt says that feelings don’t just go away, but she needs to do the work on her own. I.e., Matt doesn’t want to be her babysitter and shouldn’t have to be held responsible for her actions or inactions.

After a palette cleansing commercial break, we return to a different graphic on the screen, that of The Bachelorette. Michelle and Katie then come out and announce that they will both be the Bachelorette, each with their own season, and Katie going first. Katie’s season will premiere in May, giving us just enough time to recover from this shit show before diving headfirst into the next one.

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #442

“the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?”

Would you ever sell your soul? No. Do you believe that something is going to happen in 2012? Welp, clearly not. I never believed it. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'd love to! When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Uhhh not since I visited Sara, I think. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Loud, for sure. Louder than I should listen to. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No. What’s the last song you heard? "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? No. What are you most likely to do when you’re exhausted; take a nap, drink some coffee, or go for a run to get yourself pumped up again? Naps definitely win. What are you most likely to pick if you got to choose your topic on a research paper; drug abuse, mental illness, or the death penalty? Mental illness, for sure. What is your favorite month of the year and why? October, bc aesthetic. What’s your least favorite animal? Probably wasps. They're mean fuckers that kill bees. What was your class song when you graduated? Some super shitty country song. Have you ever had to spend the night outside (not camping)? No. What`s the scariest living animal that you`ve petted? A tarantula, I'd say. She was a sweet rose hair that I literally did pet, which you absolutely should not do to tarantulas, but I knew nothing about them at the time. The urticating hairs on their abdomens cause serious itching, and I tell ya, that sure happened. So did you play old school Nintendo or Atari or Sega? If so which one? We had an old Atari for a long time. When/where did you meet your first love? In the hallway, during my sophomore year of high school. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? Hm, what qualifies as "regularly," really? I don't like my sister's husband, who I see semi-regularly, but I don't really talk to him. Does your family eat any unique foods for Thanksgiving that aren’t the norm? If so, what are they? Nah, not that I can think of. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? Milk; I don't like it with water. I only eat the apples and cinnamon kind. Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video? If not, what was it of? It's a let's play. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? Yes, and I still love it. What was the last book you had to read for school? Did you enjoy it, or were you just trying to get through? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I loved it. Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery? If so, how much did they win? Would/have you ever play(ed) the lottery? No to both questions. I have a very addictive personality, so I don't really mess with dangerous things that might tempt that behavior. What band/celebrity/etc. do you know the most information about? Who would you like to learn more about? Markiplier, ha ha. As for who I'd like to know more about... hm. Have your friends met the last person you kissed? Girt has. Who has made the biggest difference in your life? Jason. You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Also Jason. -_- What is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)? Brittany Marie is all you need to know. Even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. What’s yours? My favorite physical store is Hot Topic, but my favorite store overall is Rebel's Market, which I'm pretty sure is just an online source. Which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties? Don't you dare laugh, I prefer "granny panties" lmfao. They're what I'm comfortable in, okay. How many nail polishes do you have, if you were to take a guess? *I* have none. Idk about Mom, but I know not a lot. Are you on birth control? Do you use condoms? I use birth control to regulate my period and ease cramps. If I was sexually active though, both would be musts for me. When did you start your period? How did you react? Who did you tell first? When I got home from school sometime in middle school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was EXTREMELY upset. Like, I cried, because I didn't feel like a kid anymore. My mom was the first to know. Have you ever had sex while on your period? If so, would you ever do it again? NO NO NO NO THAT SOUNDS SO GROSS LKASDFJ;AJW;LKERJA;WEJLRKQWLKE;JR. Which way do you swing (boys, girls, or both)? I'm bi. Or pan. I really don't know. Tell me ALL about your longest/most serious relationship. Are you still in that relationship? How about I don't, because doing that I'm sure will send me in a PTSD spiral. No, we're no longer together. Who is your ALL TIME best friend (don’t count your boyfriend, either, silly!)? Sara. I don't think I've been as close with any other best friend. Which one of your friends has the best singing voice? SARAAAAAAAAAAA. What shade are you in foundation or concealer? I don't have a clue. I don't wear either. Have you ever showered with someone? Boy or girl? Were you completely naked? "Were you completely naked." No, I shower with underwear on. I've showered with my little sister as well as my best friend as a kid. I've never shared a shower as an adult and don't want to. Do you think you’re good enough for the person you like? No. Are you a cuddler or no? If I'm really into you, YUP. And if it's not hot. Wouldn’t it be kinda annoying to have to share a bed every night? No. I miss it sometimes. Have you ever walked on a beach at night? Yes. It's beautiful. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Pretty easily, yeah. Would you marry someone you didn’t love if you were paid 10 thousand dollars? No. I just wouldn't be able to stomach doing that. I'm solely marrying for love. Have you had sex today? I haven't in many years. Do you still care about your last ex? Very very much! Do you own more then one bathing suit? Nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Yeah, but none I like. Who have you recently made up with after fighting? Nobody. Who do you WANT to make up with? Jason. Megan. Do you get scared easily? Hm. It really depends on the situation. Have you seen UP? Never the full movie, actually. I need to. How many coats of mascara do you use? I use it so rarely that I barely know. Two, maybe? What’s your favorite bracelet? The one Sara gave me. I used to always wear it, but it's worn down with time and is too loose for me now, so it's just with my jewelry. What color hair does your mom have? It's naturally gray now, but she dyes it black. Favorite song to listen to when you are mad? "Headache" by Motionless In White does it. What restaurant would you want to work at? NONE. I ain't working with hungry people. I don't want to work with people - period. When people ask “how are you?” do you say “good” even if you aren’t? Depends on who's asking. If it's a stranger or someone I barely know, odds are I'm just going to reply with "fine" or something like that. Were you honestly a good kid? Yes. Is anything wrong with your eyes? I have to wear glasses, so. Have you kissed or hugged anyone today? No. What is your mom’s and dad’s favorite TV show? I don't really know for either. Mom watches loads of shows, and I don't live with Dad, so. I know he really likes The Big Bang Theory, though, which Mom also loves. Have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? No, but ~supposedly~, Dad did with his now-wife. I don't know what the fuck is true between my parents, though. Do you think buying second hand clothes is gross? It depends on the type of clothing (ex., used underwear is a huge fucking no), as well as the state it's in. Does it gross you out when your parents kiss? They're divorced. That would be incredibly weird, uncomfortable, and impossible with how I know at least Mom feels towards Dad. Do you have a playlist made on YouTube? Yeah, multiple. Do you like dollar stores? I mean, sure? They have good deals occasionally and are a good option to stop for a quick snack or something. Mom doesn't actually *shop* in them, though. What’s the last thing you bought from one? I think a honeybun. Do you think it’s weird how babies are made? Well, yeah. Science can be crazy, though. Have you ever lost a friend over the opposite sex? No. Are you comfortable in a short skirt? I wouldn't be comfortable in ANY skirt. Do you and your family go on a vacation ever year? We essentially never do. Vacations cost money. We don't have money to spare. When you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them? No, because it's not like I know him personally, while I know her very deeply. Who was your most romantic moment with? Jason. Do you sweat easily? Like you wouldn't BELIEVE. A side effect of one (or even multiple) of my meds is hyperhidrosis, so I can sweat an ocean in two minutes, it seems. It's disgusting, and I am so self-conscious about it. What’s one memory you wish would just vanish? Just a specific moment with Jason that is particularly agonizing to recall. Are you in love with someone? No. Partying or watching a movie? Partying isn't my thing. I'd have more fun watching a movie with friends. What pisses you off the most? Child molesters/rapists, probably. Where do you want to be at a year from now? I just want a job by then, dude. I also hope I've lost a lot of weight. Do you like pickles? Only dill pickles. If you saw someone broken down on the side of the road, would you stop to help? Honestly, no. I don't trust people. What do you do with your plastic grocery bags after you unload your things? We put our plastic bags into one big bag for later use. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Yes. How often do you use Flickr? I don't. I only ever check my friend's for meerkat photos, ha ha. Share three nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. No, unless you want me to cry. Have you ever made any of your friends cry? Not deliberately of course, but yes. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? God no, I look high. Out of all the guys you know, who would you trust to not cheat on you? Girt. I know he never would, especially because HE'S been cheated on. How do you plan on disciplining your children? NOT by physical means, I can tell you that much. If I actually had kids, I'd teach them through (hopefully) primarily deeply talking things out. If need be, there'd be time out, grounding, things like that. I do NOT support methods like spanking your kid, so that's a big no. If you could live in another country, would you? What country? Yes; Canada. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Quinn, probably. What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? It's a tie between depression and anxiety. What is your cure for hiccups? NOTHING works for me. It's the worst. Did you ever do anything in class that annoyed other students? I mean, I don't think so. Have you used a Ouija board and had a freaky experience with it? I've never messed with one, and I don't want to. I don't know if I believe in their supernatural abilities or not, but I ain't fuckin around and finding out. Do you stick with a political party, or vote for who you like best? I pick based on their policies and morals, not necessarily their party. Do you know anyone who is an albino? No. Word search or crossword puzzle? Word searches. When you watch a game show, do you like to see people win or lose? Aw, who wants to see them lose? It's great to see people win and be so excited. Do you have a pair of fake redneck, vampire, etc. teeth? No. What is your favorite Pixar film? Finding Nemo. Do you get really mad when you lose a game? Not at all. I'm not very competitive, and games are about having fun. When was the last time you used a pay phone? I actually don't think I ever have. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Jason. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go to church as I'm not religious. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? Who the fuck cares. If they're comfortable and at least have a shirt on, let 'em. Most women have breasts, big whoop. Do you even like politics? God no. What’s it like at raves? Oh god, I'd never go. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? lol yes

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''self esteem'' by the offspring

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nicoleacedit · 3 years

Note

Do you get tired of "inspiration porn?"

Hi, nonny!

Yes, yes I do. Jessica Kellgren-Fozard has a fantastic video on inspiration porn that I highly recommend checking out. Personally, I just get really frustrated with it. I've been cast a bit in that role in my own life from time to time, and it just feels so uncomfortable??? Like people keep telling me how amazing and brave and strong I am for having gotten through all my medical bullshit, and I'm like "???? Literally, what was my other option? Remain in intense pain for the rest of my life???"

There are a lot of dumb narratives involving disabled people and characters that are so obviously written from an able-bodied perspective that it's just painful. Like yeah, hi, that class of eighth-graders you've written that are going out of their way to include this ✨inspirational✨ disabled kid? Yeah, they'd probably just watch in varying levels of bored fascination as she tries to open a classroom door and wheel herself through on her own instead of, y'know, offering to help (totally not based on an actual experience of mine 🙃). The front office staff at the school that are fawning over that same kid? Yeah, they'd probably just ignore her when she tries to ask for help or give her dirty looks when she explains that, no, she can't just head into the nurse's office because there's not enough room to open the door on her own from her wheelchair and the nurse is at lunch and isn't actually in her office at the moment (also definitely not based on a true story 🙃🙃🙃).

(That's not to say all able-bodied people are garbage. I just went to a really shitty school for 8th grade. And a slightly less shitty one for high school.)

Inspiration porn really does two things: 1) it makes able-bodied people feel better about themselves because "ohmygod can you imagine going through that???" and 2) it further "others" disabled people. You stop seeing them as people and instead start to see them as tragic heroes or curiosities you'd see at a sideshow back in the day. We need more stories about disability and disabled people told by disabled people themselves. No more of this "well my cousin's friend's uncle's wife's niece is disabled, so I'm qualified to write this" bullshit. (But also not forcing people to disclose their status as a disabled person in order to craft these narratives.)

There's a really great YA anthology that came out a couple years ago called Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens that's absolutely fantastic. All of the authors are disabled, chronically ill, and/or neurodivergent themselves, and there's just such a beautiful authenticity to the stories. It's exactly the kind of book I wish I'd had as a teenager. Maybe then I would have felt more comfortable using "disability" and "disabled" to describe myself instead of shying away from it and being uncomfortable with that aspect of my identity.

#replies #anon #nicole rambles #nicole speaks #disability

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theonlygamergost · 4 years

Text

Reminder! Go to sleep~

This fic took me waaay more than I like to admit.

People in this fic: DreamWasTaken and GeorgeNotFound

(BadBoyHalo and SapNap are in the background)

Warning! This fanfiction was wrote respecting boundaries! This is not a ship post, i wrote this bc they are good friends caring for eachother!

Enjoy~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dream had a bad sleeping schedule, it wasn't a secret, but editing in the middle of the night was... easier? Better? He didn't really know... but it was the only time he edited. Meaning that sleep was often skipped or recovered during the day.

But we all know that the lack of sleep brings mood swings, and poor Dream was in the middle of one.

He and George were supposed to start streaming in about fifteen minutes, but George wasn't dumb, he had realized Dream was acting differently.

"Dream? Are you sure you want to stream?" George spoke to his mic, waiting for a response from the empty headphones laid on top of his head.

"Of course I do! Why do you ask- What's the point of that question?" He was acting defensive and irritable towards the smallest things, "I don't know...You seem tired" He was also spacing out, Geroge could tell he lacked sleep, he knew him too well.

"Oh George- I'm fine ok?! Don't worry about me-"

User has joined the call

"Oh Bad! Please help me convince Dream to not stream! He's probably sitting on three hours of sleep!" " Only three hours?"

BadBoyHalo proceeded to enter big bro mode and tell off Dream about sleeping waaay less then he needed to, getting Dream to slowly give up.

"Fine fine I won't stream!... I'll just post on Twitter why I won't... God my subs are going to hate me..." "That's not true Dream! They'll understand, now go to sleep, ill call you tomorrow"

As George and BadBoy told Dream goodnight, George hit the live button. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dream was feeling down: His best friends just shooed him away and he was feeling lonely...

His cat noticed his bad mood and jumped onto his lap, he thought about laying in bed, but since the cat was here now, he wasn't going to move.

George was having a webcam steam, he, SapNap and BadBoy were in their world messing around.

Without him

He wasn't angry... He was just...sad? Left out? ...Something like that

As he was listening to the laughter of his friends, a donation came through, and the text to speech started: Hi George, first time donating and catching a stream, why is Dream not streaming? Did something happen?

George looked over at his second monitor and read the donation again in his head while making sure he didn't die by the zombie that approached him.

"Dream is not here because he didn't sleep a lot recently so I told him to go to sleep. Nothing happened, don't worry. He's my best friend and I can tell when he's tired. Hopefully, he'll join us next stream." He focused on turning the lava into obsidian, placing and picking up water without falling into the deadly liquid. "I'm..." he spaced out for a couple of seconds "I'm aware that streams without Dream are a bit more boring, but I prefer that he's well-rested and in a good mood than having him on stream sounding half asleep. Don't worry, after the stream ill call him and check up on him"

The other two who were whispering in the background didn't miss the chance to tease George.

"Oh! So you think we are not as "entertaining" as Dream huh George?!" SapNap spat out fake-annoyed, BadBoyHalo jumped on the tease-train too.

"Of course he would SapNap! If you had a Minecraft boyfriend too, you would find him more fun than us!"

George started studdering and tried to defend himself since also the chat now was spamming things like "Minecraft Boyfriend! Lol" or "Omg I ship it!!" and "Don't deny it, George, we know!". Making it more difficult for the British streamer.

Dream chuckled at the hilarious situation while caressing the small animal who was enjoying the warmth in his lap.

The chat didn't seem to be angry about the fact that he wasn't there so he decided to open twitter and see how his tweet was doing.

The replies we're all positive and supportive of his decision, the couple of toxic replies were automatically ignored by him since he was low-key used to them, he smiled at how his followers where so nice and worried about his health, also he giggled at the funny profile pictures and names some of the accounts had.

He decided to lay in bed and continue to watch the stream from his phone, his cat jumped off his lap and followed him.

~~~~~~~~~

The stream went on for another two hours but Dream fell asleep somewhere in between, he knew this of course by the fact that the ring coming from both his electronic devices woke him up.

He struggled to find his phone since he dropped it somewhere when he fell asleep and his earbuds were uncomfortably tangled, but he managed to pick up the call coming from George in time.

"Hello?"

"Geez, took you long enough to answer, I was about to give up... Wait- were you sleeping?"

"Yeah... I fell asleep while watching your stream..." he yawned and proceeded to hug the pillow lying next to him.

"You fell asleep while watching the stream?! BadBoy and SapNap were continuously screaming!" He sounded impressed, Dream wasn't at all.

"I guess I was very tired" he heard George's footsteps as he spoke

"You do sound tired-... You should stop pulling all-nighters just to edit, you don't have a deadline yknow" From the other end, two beeps made the boy react with an "Oh finally..."

"What are you doing?"

"Instant noodles" The sound of pouring water and something being ripped could be heard in the background " I'm hungry"

"Instant noo- You had those for lunch too!"

"Mhf-Sho what? Shey'r good" George took a munch on his pasta and spoke with his mouth full "Sthey arhe eashy to make ansh shtey are scheaps"

Dream laughed at how barely comprehensible his words were, and at how lazy George was. He knew how to cook simple stuff, yet he always "couldn't be bothered" or was "too tired" to cook actual food.

They chatted and laughed for a while, Dream laying comfortably on his bed and George happily eating his noodles. A moment of silence fell.

"Hey Dream?"

He hummed in reply

"I'm sorry for forcing you to not stream... But you sounded tired and... I didn't mean to make it sound like we were excluding you..." Dream smiled at how apologetic and sad his friend sounded.

"Don't worry, I figured you were doing it for me..."

Another silence.

"Hey George?"

It was his time to hum now.

"Thank you... "

"For what?"

"For everything you do for me"

"I'm just doing the same thing you do for me... You always tell me to go to bed and... You care about my died more than I do" Dream giggled.

"If someone should be thanking someone it should be me, thank you Dream for all the things you do for me... Even if you always kill me in the videos"

The moment was broken by Dream cockiness and they ended up laughing hard... Well, George was laughing, Dream was straight up impersonating a kettle, wheezing as he usually did.

"Ah... My stomach hurts!"

"Haha... Same!... Oh God..."

They gave each other a minute to calm down before going back to talking

"Wait- it is late for you Dream! Go to bed you idiot!"

"But I enjoy talking to youuu " he whined, he didn't want to sleep

"Same, but we can talk tomorrow ok? Just call me when you wake up, ok?

He emitted a sad noise George took as a "yes"

"Good night Dream, love you!"

He always said it off-camera, yet he never wanted to say it when they were recording. He still didn't understand why.

"...good night George, love you too"

But Dream appreciated him anyway.

#this fic was HELL #Wattpad gave me problems #tumblr aswell #it was midnight so I gave up #im posting this the day after #also Wattpad yeeted 200 words even when I saved #i was lowkey mad #dreamwastaken #georgenotfound #fanfiction #minecraftyt #im not tagging this as dreamnotfoud #i refuse

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bearsinpotatosacks · 4 years

Text

Why Lose Hope?- Chapter 2

Chapter 1 , Part 1 of the All the Little Things Seem so Insignificant Now Series

Jim ran from the transporter, his crew behind him as he raced to reach the bridge. The transporter itself being broken from the strain of trying to deliver seven people to another universe.

He slid in his chair and lent forwards as if it would bring him closer to Bones. They'd somehow managed to get an image on the two versions of him in that universe and had been watching them for the entire ten hours he'd been gone.

It was bittersweet watching him. Bones' smiles were sour and his movements freaked from the weight of the possibility he may never go home. Yet he carried on. He cared for Leonard, for the animals and crops all while telling tales of his universe, his ship all those miles away.

"Scotty, tell me you've got some good news,"

"Well, Captain, it's fixable but it'll take an hour minimum," The pain was obvious in his voice. "The most you could do is watch for the time being,"

"Thank you, Mr Scott,"

He knew what that meant for Bones, another year until he could see anyone he loved again. Although he had spent the entire time with the other Leonard McCoy, perhaps he loved him? Did it count as self love when it was an alternate version of himself?

It had only been a few seconds for them, but when he looked back at the screen,a week had already passed. Spock had done the calculations, a year for them is an hour on the ship, a month is five minutes and one and a quarter minutes was a week.

Leo, their Bones, was sitting on the porch covered in a blanket. He'd taken ill quickly, their hypotheses had been that a planet with worse technology than they had, even regressing back before the third world war, would be less equipped to handle severe illnesses.

Leonard was sitting on the other side of the table with half a scarf hanging off his knitting needles. He was talking about something to do with their farm when Leo broke the calm, coughing and spluttering.

"Here," He handed him a glass of water. "Take a nice long drink and you'll be fine,"

Leo did as he was told and lent back in his chair, face a little paler from the exertion of his remaining energy. The weather had changed rapidly in the time he'd been away, everywhere was blue skies and sunshine.

"How about I give you something to take your mind off things?" Leonard asked, only getting a grunt from Leo. "When did you meet your Jim?"

The crew all turned to face him. Uhura giving an amused glance, Spock something actually questioning and everyone else seemingly on the verge of rolling their eyes.

"When d'you meet yours?"

"It was 2255, I was working on a starbase somewhere, a medicine focused one, and I rush over to see a young man, six years younger than me, trying to escape with an IV line in, bandages on, nasal cannula and osteocalcium cream on his legs. He was also on the verge of passing out and was politely yelling at the guard to let him leave," He looked at Leo. "That was when I met James T. Kirk,"

"Sounds pretty on brand for him," Jim tried not to be hurt by that statement, even if he knew it was true.

"I saw him pretty much every day for about eight months, he was recovering from a serious injury involving radiation, an explosion and some angry octosquidarians. Became quite a good friend of mine even when he got transferred out of the ICU. He left, of course, everybody did on that starbase, yet we still managed to keep in touch and when he had his own ship and needed a CMO, well there was only one man for the job," He said and smiled to himself.

There was something about his age, his grey hair and wrinkles that made his smile more heartfelt. Perhaps it was the knowledge that he'd had more years with his Jim, more loving moments and annoying mishaps. He had nostalgia in his eyes as he sighed and turned to Leo.

"How'd'ya meet your Jim?"

"On a shuttle to Starfleet Academy, I was being forced out of my place in the bathroom-"

"Bathroom?"

"I have aviophobia," He nestled into the blankets further. "Jim's face was covered in blood, he'd been in a fight, and I was kind of drunk and spouted all the ways we could die on the thing and how my wife took everything. Then when we landed I found out he was in the same student apartment as me,"

"He was little shit most of the time, but he's also my best friend and the love of my life,"

He stopped and stared out for a moment. Jim was glad, he couldn't take it anymore. It had only been a few hours without him but he knew it had been so much longer for Bones.

Part of him wondered while they were waiting for the transporter modifications if he'd even love him anymore. Ten years could change a lot in a person, he would know. He went into town and could've easily fell in love with a local, but he didn't. He still loved him and he still loved Spock.

Speaking of which, the other Leonard asked their Bones another question, "When did you realise you loved your Spock?"

"You remember how I had to resurrect Jim?"

Leonard nodded.

"Well, with Spock being a scientist in multiple fields, he could help me in making the serum. He took my place when I was on the verge of collapse from fatigue or hunger or emotion, and I ain't told anyone this, but I meditated with him on the little time I had off and it actually helped,"

Jim smiled at Spock at the image of the two. Bones probably complained that it was useless for an overthinker like him or about the sitting positions being too convoluted for his old joints. Spock had suggested they all meditate together, one of the few couple activities Vulcans were known to do.

"And when Jim woke up and I couldn't handle the pressure of caring for him and the tabloids calling me Dr. Frankenstein and the looks from all the other doctors and pharmacists and every other medic in the hospital. So Spock listened as I ranted and cried and-" He stopped and took a few deep breaths. "And I realised, oh shit, I think I'm falling for him,"

"Well that's very romantic. When did you tell Jim?"

"There was a mission involving loss, they made us see supposed ghosts of people we lost and Spock was determined to say he wasn't affected. But Jim invited him over and after a few hours of awkward silences and denying the connection we were feeling, we admitted our feelings to each other,"

"How about you?" He said.

"Spock had a thing, a Vulcan thing that meant he had to go home-"

"Pon farr?"

Leonard nodded, "Things happened, to survive we had to fake Jim's death, Spock didn't know but when he realised he was alive they finally admitted their feelings for each other. Unfortunately for me I realised I loved the bastards," He carried on knitting with a little more ferocity. "It wasn't until we found a giant space amoeba and Spock won our 'Who's going to sacrifice themselves for the sake of science argument' that I realised I should've told him,"

He chuckled to himself, "Well, we managed to save him, of course, and I took that as a sign and told them they had my heart. And apart from a little bump after the five year mission, we ain't never looked back,"

Jim and Spock smiled at each other. They'd visited Ambassador Spock and willed him to tell them his stories like children on Pesach. About peaceful Sunday mornings when he'd meditate and they'd secretly watch their Leonard get ready for church. And about many trips to Vulcan where the Ambassador would show them off like trophy husbands.

They could tell he missed his Jim and Bones, a nostalgic look always distant in his eyes and his house filled with the various photos and videos he kept on his PADD when he went through the black hole.

At the time, they didn't understand what that felt like, to miss someone with every fibre of your soul. But after watching their Bones survive years and years alone without them, they realised how strangely comforting such an ache was.

The screen in front of them sped up as time drifted on. Relative as ever. Jim took a deep breath as Yeoman Rand handed everyone coffee and settled back in his chair for a long few hours.

I've managed to put a few headcanons of mine into this, like old married mcspirk's habit of Spock meditating, Bones getting ready for church and Jim smiling goofily as he watches his husband get dressed in his sunday best. Also I made up a few things for TOS Mckirk's meeting but the main idea I got from memory alpha is that Jim got hurt in his pre-captain days and met Bones. I would very much like to see this meeting somehow.

This fic will get weirder quite quickly and the schedule I think I might go with is one chapter in the farm universe, one in one of the crew's universe's, back to the farm universe and one in the other crew's universe.

And finally, I added Yeoman Rand! I'm very much in the camp of "I'll add all the recurring characters in tos into aos because someone (JJ Abrams) didn't" so I hope you enjoyed her cameo!

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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What do you usually order from Subway/Togo’s/another sandwich place? Wheat bread, turkey, salami, Monterrey Jack cheese, mayo, pickles, and olive oil and vinegar or some kind of sandwich spread.

Have you ever talked about your period with a guy? Were they okay with it, or grossed out? No. I never felt comfortable talking about that with anyone, really, but definitely not a guy. I just always kept that to myself, I didn’t feel the need to discuss it with anyone.

Have you ever been to small/church/bible group/study (forced to or wanted to)? I’ve been to church and I’ve participated in several Bible studies the past year and have done so by choice. I went to church as a kid sometimes with my grandparents, which wasn’t really my choice at the time.

In-N-Out, ever been there? If not, what’s a good burger place around your town? Yeah, numerous times. Would I be a true Californian if I didn’t? ha. Honestly, though, I don’t think it’s that great or what it’s hyped up to be. When we got a Five Guys several years ago, which was a east coast thing, I remember thinking it was way better.

How many people do you know with the name Ashley/Ashlee? I don’t know any currently.

Have you ever been to an asian (any type) market? If so, what is the closest one to you? Yeah, a few.

What would you do if the person you have feelings for showed up at your door? I don’t have romantic feelings for anyone.

How long does it typically take you to get over people? It always took me a long time.

What did your last text message say? “Yes.”

How many people have texted you today? Did you reply to all of them? No one has texted me so far.

When was the last time you drank something with alcohol? 8 years ago on my birthday.

Have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex? I’ve never slept with a member of the opposite sex, period.

Will you talk to the person you like tonight? There’s no such person.

How would you feel if your significant other had tattoos? I don’t think I’d mind. Although, I personally don’t really like a body full of tatts and I really don’t care for face tatts. That’s just my personal preference.

Do you actually eat breakfast lunch and dinner everyday? No, not all 3. There’s a lot of days I just have dinner and my late night bowl of ramen I have every night. Somedays I have lunch. I rarely have breakfast, but I do eat breakfast food a lot.

Is there something else you should be doing? I should be trying to go to sleep.

Was your last text message from someone of the opposite sex? No.

If you could have a free plane ticket to anywhere, where would you choose to go? I’d have to really think about that, there’s so many places I’d love to visit given the chance. Not in these current times given the pandemic, but ya know.

Have you felt ill at all in the past week? Yes.

What’s the approximate total cost of the clothes you’re wearing? Maybe $40.

Where was the last place on your body that you felt physical pain? My back.

Has someone of the opposite sex made you smile recently? My brother brought me a Starbucks yesterday, which made me smile.

Can your significant other/crush sing? I don’t have either of those

What do you want/need right now? I need to sleep.

How much does the last person you texted really know about you? She knows a lot about me.

Who was the last person you apologized to? What did you apologize for? I apologized just a bit ago when calling to cancel my doctor appointment.

What are the initials of the person you have feelings for? Sigh.

Did you straighten your hair today? No. I haven’t straightened my hair in years.

Is it okay to like someone else, if you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Uh, not to me it isn’t.

Would you spend the night in a haunted house? No.

Look in a mirror. Are you 100% happy with what you see? Why/why not? Umm, how about no.

Will tomorrow be better than today? I haven’t done much today so far, it’s only 7:37AM.

What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video of course.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? The receptionist at my doctor’s office.

Do you look your age? I think I look younger.

Last person you texted? My mom.

What color is your hair? Naturally it’s dark brown, but I dye it red. Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy? Yes.

Does it bother you when people respond with one word texts? Not unless I feel like there's a reason for the conversation to continue. <<< Yeah, if we’re having a conversation it makes it difficult. Or if I’ve said something I feel warrants more of a response. Sometimes one word is all that’s needed.

Could you cry right now? I’d rather not.

How late did you stay up last night and why? I think I fell asleep a little after 5AM.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? No. Somedays I’m already on the verge of tears so it takes very little.

Has anyone made you upset lately? Yes.

When was the last time you completely broke down? About a week ago.

If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? Not currently, but in better circumstances yes absolutely.

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? Certain things, yeah.

Have you ever been dumped? Yes.

Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? I’d like to experience a serious relationship.

How have you been feeling today? Mehhh.

Do you chew your pens? No.

Is there anything you DIDN’T like about today? Like I’ve said, it’s still really early and nothing has happened so far.

Where’s your phone right now? Near me on my bed.

Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe? My family does.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No. It was the receptionist at my doctor’s office who I don’t even know, but he seemed nice.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? Uhhh.

What is your favorite slang word for penis? I don’t have a favorite slang word for penis...

If you found a full tube of lipgloss on the ground, would you pick it up and keep it or would you throw it away? Ew, I definitely wouldn’t keep it. I don’t want some random and used lipgloss that’s gross. I wouldn’t do anything with it, I’d just keep going.

Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? No, I listen to ASMR.

If your parents.. or anybody else.. found your cell phone, would they be horrified at any of the messages in our inbox/outbox? No. Majority of the messages are from them anyway. The others are from my brother and my Nana lol.

Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? It gets annoying when you’re trying to talk to them and they’re clearly distracted and not paying attention.

When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? We did sometimes.

If you were a waiter/waitress, would you make good tips? I don’t know?

Forget about toppings. What type of CRUST do you like on pizzas? I like pan or high rise.

Would you prefer an ice cream sundae or an ice cream cone? Ice cream sundae. I take too long to finish stuff and ice cream cones get too messy.

What are the best kind of Girl Scout cookies? Thin Mints are the top fave, but I like the others as well except for the coconut ones.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction to a certain medication? No.

Puff, puff…do you need an inhaler to survive? No.

What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Spaghetti or pesto pasta.

Do you watch independent films? Yeah, some. If a movie looks interesting then I’ll likely check it out.

Do you constantly doubt yourself? I completely doubt myself.

Have you ever played computer solitaire for hours on end? I probably did when I was a kid. Back when that and messing around on Paint was pretty all there was to do haha.

Are you scared of roller coasters because of Final Destination 3? I was scared before then.

If you were digging and found buried treasure, would you tell anyone? I’d tell my family and then figure out what to do.

Do you still whip out the Nintendo on random occasions? The only Nintendo I have is an Nintendo Switch.

Have you ever seen anyone fall down an escalator? Funny or scary? Nooo, omg. That wouldn’t be funny at all.

Do you think wearing jeans to work is unprofessional? No, not necessarily. Depends on the job, of course.

Are you uneasy about eating from a buffet? Yeah, I don’t like buffets.

Can you honestly tell the difference between DiGiorno and delivery pizza? Definitely. My favorite pizza is from this local pizza place, but DiGiorno isn’t bad.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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lothirielswanmarvel · 4 years

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IMAGINE: THE AVENGERS VS CORONAVIRUS

Tony Stark: Will never leave the comfort of his suit. Quarantines himself in the lab, and eventually kidnaps Peter Parker to keep him safe. Hoards half of the supplies in the Compound/Tower. If Tony does come in contact with ANYONE, he will spray them with a can of Lysol (he uses black flag on Scott Lang).

Natasha Romanoff: Sickness trembles before this woman, so Natasha isn’t afraid to chip in to help the community. Nat drives around in Clint’s minivan, yelling at people on the sidewalk to stay inside. She also steals supplies from Tony’s lab without him knowing.

*Sam Wilson jogging innocently on the sidewalk*

Natasha, driving alongside the road: SAM! STOP JOGGING! YOU’RE PUTTING STEVE AT RISK!

Steve Rogers, riding shotgun: Nat why

Steve Rogers: Steve is well-familiar with terminal illness (he used to be a toothpick before his transformation), and helps out at the supermarkets. Steve gets very annoyed at the hoarders. This pandemic also brings out his true patriotic side.

Steve Rogers: This country kicked Nazi and Commie ass. We’re gonna destroy a little flu outbreak.

Stephen Strange: It’s more severe than a flu...you know what? I’m just gonna hide in another dimension until things cool down here.

Steve Rogers: Coward.

Thor: The hysteria hasn’t really hit Thor. He thinks he’s completely immune, and probably would continue along his daily routine if all of his favorite places to go weren’t closed. Instead, he lives his life on video games, enjoying the over-populated servers.

Thor: Humans will get over this! I remember when my brother accidentally released a plague seven hundred years ago, and the human race is still thriving.

Wanda Maximoff, counting on her fingers: Seven hundred years...

Vision: Are you saying that your brother, Loki, is responsible for the Black Plague?

Thor: Actually, that was my doing...I tried to make some soup...

Bruce Banner: Tries to help Shuri make a vaccine, meanwhile trying to keep Thor from getting sick. Like T’Challa, Bruce overextends himself too much.

Bruce: I kinda wish I still had my old cell from S.H.I.E.L.D. it would be a really good place to camp out in right now...or to hold Thor captive.

T’Challa: Probably the most stressed by the outbreak. T’Challa tries to keep Wakanda safe, help Shuri and the medical experts find a cure, and lend aid to other countries.

Clint Barton: Hides in his secret log cabin in the woods. No one knows where he is.

Wanda Maximoff: Wanda’s another clean freak, but an organic one. She piles up on herbal tea and healing crystals. She creates a new blog online dedicated to making cute face masks and tips on how to stay healthy.

Tony Stark, wearing one of Wanda’s face masks: I know we don’t agree on much, but I think this virus has brought us closer.

Wanda: I think so, too.

Tony: I mean the organic crap is a load of hooey, but otherwise, I’d quarantine with you.

*Wanda sprays Tony with his own can of Lysol*

Vision: Probably the most outgoing and useful during the pandemic. Vis has been researching the disease, and is immune to the virus itself. However, because he’s been in contact with it, he’s probably a carrier.

*Wanda locks him outside*

Vision: My love, I promise I’m sanitary!

*Wanda throws down a container of Clorox wipes from a window. Vision sighs*

Sam Wilson: Sam still goes for his daily jogs, although he misses seeing his support groups. Like Wanda, Sam creates a blog filled with funny videos and things to do at home. Sam goes on hikes and does some bird watching in his spare time. He finds Clint one day on accident.

Sam: WHAT THE HELL, MAN. WE THOUGHT YOU WERE TRAPPED IN THE VENTS AGAIN.

Clint, with a full beard: HUMANITY IS DOOMED. I’M DOING A RON SWANSON.

Bucky Barnes: Bucky is doomed. He has no clue how to take care of himself, and is trying to keep Steve from overexerting himself. Bucky asks Bruce to stick him back in his old tube in Wakanda.

Bruce: You all snug in there?

Bucky: Yeah...can I ask you something?

Bruce: Sure

Bucky looks over to the side, where Thor is drooling in the tube next to him: Why is Thor in here?

Bruce: Because the sexiest man in the world is also the grossest man in the world. I had to keep him from getting sick.

Bucky: Oh...hey, you think you can do that for Steve?

Scott Lang: The absolute Pro. Scott has tons of practice from house arrest, so he stays at home with his stash of Disney movies and young adult novels. Sometimes he’ll meet up with Thor online. Hope will eventually force him to help her find a vaccine for the virus.

Hope Van Dyne: Come on, Scott! People are dying!

Scott: SO IS MY LEVEL 57 GNOME ROGUE, GNOMEO. THOR AND I ARE IN THE FIGHT OF OUR LIVES. TONY IS LEADING A WAR AGAINST OUR GUILD—DAMMIT PARKER JOINED HIM. TEXT SHURI AND BRUCE, HOPE, WE NEED BACKUP.

Stephen Strange: Hanging out in other dimensions, not just to avoid the virus, but also looking for anything close to a vaccine. Otherwise, he traps himself in the library of the Sanctum, looking through the archives for anything against the disease.

Carol Danvers: Nick Fury called her in. Carol’s been helping people get to hospitals, and carrying supplies out to cruises. In her spare time, Carol camps out on the moon, away from all traces of the virus.

Carol: Hey, I don’t usually get a lot of visitors. What are you doing up here?

Vision: ...My girlfriend kicked me out. I have nowhere else to go.

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rochey1010 · 4 years

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PART 3:

Ok, so this is about Eliott and the link between S5 and S6. Like Eliott out of everyone was crafted in this season so damn well. And yeah his arc in S6 was plotted here but it's the whole character. And it goes back to his S3 debut. France has remained so damn consistent with this character. Nothing is forced or out of place. It's a natural flow to this point now, and probably what is to come.

So just before i jump into S5. What do we know of the Eliott character? So we meet him in S3 and he's beautiful, like out of someones league beautiful. And he's mysterious, and has a loner vibe but from the trailer looks troubled. The trailer shows so much that will crop up again throughout the show in regards to Eliott. He enters the school with a prison atmosphere (just left one or is about to enter one). He quickly walks through, hurried, not wanting to make an imprint, hiding in his environment with the 'catch me if you can' vulnerable hoodie up style. Everyone notices him but he notices no one. He just wants to get this over with (same cycle different environment). The people either know him (Imane) are attracted to him (Alexia) or intrigued by the new guy (Emma). So he walks down the corridor and bumps into a very important person. That is Lucas and it's the first inkling from Eliott that something has penetrated his bleak dark world. The first hint of the light/dark motifs that S3 would be centered around. Before we know it's even a concept POLARIS is everywhere.

Eliott does something that i love. He stops, but doesn't turn around just yet, Maxence plays it like he's taking something in and waking up. And then he turns and looks, and we get everything in that look to Lucas. You feel his intrigue, attraction, fixation, awe of this unknown guy. That this guy has shook his world. And then he does something else i love. This tiny wry smile appears for like a milisecond, and then he looks him up and down signalling to the audience that we're in for a hell of a ride, and that Eliott is showing some playfullness towards Lucas. The hint that he's gonna pursue him. Then crucially he walks down the corridor to Colouring - In motion (range remix) awesome and reflective lyrics. Into the black, back into the dark he goes. And this is a direct contrast to Eliott and his world. Sees nobody but Lucas and is turned towards him looking, and then there's Lucas turned towards Eliott but oblivious and not looking.

So as the season goes on we see that he is all those things but so much more. He has a romantic, goofy, sweet and tender side, he's very vulnerable and fragile but he also has a darkness and it comes out as fear, anger, jealousy etc. He's the Even that we see snap at times e.g. class outburst, Chloe, Lucille.

And another thing is that he's the Even that gets developed off screen with the brilliant utilisation of his insta for mental/emotional state. It fits Eliott with the mystery, puzzles, metaphors and plot foreshadowing that takes us through the season. It's Eliott's journal and we're the therapists in a session with him. Each time he posts isn't fickle. Everything has meaning, everything connects and it's linked up so well onscreen. So we see Eliott onscreen but we see into Eliott offscreen. And that mental illness insight has continued and remains true to not only real life but who Eliott is.

We find out that he has so much fear. That it makes him hide in relationships and quite literally hide in the dark. That he created his magnum opus POLARIS that is all about fear and running from true connection. That has so much bipolar symbolism in it and that has Eliott settling in this dark world of MI. Because as any one who can identify with Eliott, sometimes there is a morbid comfort in staying stagnant and not reaching for something because deep down the light and happiness is something you don't deserve. It's horrible negative feelings of shame, embarassment, and self loathing that permeates. Anyone that struggles with their mental health will attest to this.

So he, facing this fear reaches for Lucas, and they fall in love. Eliott is chasing the light in Lucas that has made him want to enjoy life again. Then something horrible happens, Eliott is confronted with all his worst fears of himself being reinforced by the one he loves the most. Eliott being a crazy person that Lucas doesn't have time for. He's literally slapped in the face with his SKAM. And he's the Even that literally bleeds out right there on the screen. There's no mask which racoon Eliott is adept with it. He took it off and it shows how deep he was in with Lucas as he can't even pretend anymore. In that moment he is truly exposed and to this day it's heartbreaking to watch. He also does something that no other Even did either. He begins to ghost Lucas in this scene with the hair ruffle and that truly disappointed look when he's backing away. It's almost like a self resignation in himself like "well i was right, the light is not my world, and i shouldn't have been stupid enough to think this would have gone any other way" and he's truly disappointed and so damn heartbroken.

So he goes back to the ex thinking it's a clean break. But he realises he can't stop what he feels for lucas. So he pines on his insta, trying to reach out and trying to be honest but comes to the conclusion the only way to have lucas is to hide his darkness (bipolar). So they reconcile and are happy, and then it goes to absolute shit. He has a manic episode and the truth comes out. Eliott runs again back to the dark. Back to the comfort of his world. Doesn't expect anything, doesn't reach out because he has no hope that he can be loved with this defect, and just cries. 😭 in total despair. It's that level of self loathing that keeps cropping up rooted in his MI.

Lucas proves him wrong and saves him (this is crucial for Eliott's S6 arc) and he accepts him but now we see that Eliott still doesn't accept himself (S5, S6) minute par minute is a very important scene that is being revisited in S6 and will be crucial for Elu. Eliott wants to end the relationship, he sees no way it can work, and Lucas fights and gives him a perspective to hold onto.

Sorry i got into a S3 character study there. But i felt it was the only way to show how Eliott as a character has been built through the show and layered with so much depth but so much darkness. He's actually not only one of the darkest Even's but one of the darkest SKAM characters. And the reason i feel that, is because of the contradiction of the character. That he has such a postive sunshine aura and will smile at anyone and instantly bring a warmth. But yet has this deep well of struggle and pain that you can feel is there underneath that "I'm the happiest person in the world" energy. And you have to ask yourself how much of that is Eliott projecting to keep the demons at bay? As someone who can relate to MI. There is a level of exhaustion where you feel like you pep talk yourself on an almost daily basis. Quite literally you fake it untill you make it. And i just feel that Eliott is such a walking dichotomy between 2 extremes. That he perfectly represents the bipolarity of this character.

But rambling aside, so that's the Eliott we know and in S5 we kick off his arc with an insta post. He posts his new job 'new job, new school, same boyfriend' caption with a pic of the video club. Lucas follows it up with 'and soon, new appartment'. This tells us Eliott has not only started working but he's in Uni now and about to move in with Lucas. The video club is also dropping the hint that Eliott has found his new vocation within art. And that is movies. Now, what we know of Eliott is that he dabbled. He had many artsy interests. And we saw his love for not only movies (POLARIS) but he enjoyed literature (Virginia Woolf) and painting (Jackson Pollock) and he liked greek prose (Apollo and Hyacinth, Pygmalion). He had an affinity for artists who suffered with mental illness (pollock and Woolf both bipolar) and a true identity fixation with Woolf (mentally ill, bisexual and drowned through suicide) now that takes on a much more serious meaning with what Eliott revealed about suicide in S6. So he was an artsy hipster and he added graffiti and urbex too. A very talented and creative guy is our Eliott.

But considering POLARIS was how we were introduced to Eliott and that art side. We had to have known that his chosen field would have been movies, as it is now confirmed with his job, his uni project and his insta this season focusing on movies. How they add to the plot and how he's using them as inspiration for his project.

So it's setting him up to make a movie and to bring back something from his past that failed for him, and could have led to a spiral as we don't know how long after that all the Idriss stuff went down. All we know is that Idriss was there with him in the video interviewing him as he explained POLARIS. So the fallout must have been very soon after. And the failure of the movie on top of that must have been horrible for Eliott.

Lucas posts instas of him basically of him supporting eliott with this job and visiting him etc. So we see Eliott loves his job. And S6 shows us this more in depth.

The next we see of Eliott is a nightclub scene of new years and just basically the gang and elu happy, having fun and in love. It's just showing you for Eliott that he's come so far. Obviously we know what happens with Arthur so i won't get into that. Then there's the house warming and this is a crucial scene because Eliott has to explain something, and the audience is learning something. That this is the 2nd house warming and the 1st had to be cancelled. Eliott starts to explain himself and it's same feelings in regards to the mental illness again. Maxence plays it like Eliott is so fragile, that he's vulnerable and embarassed, and it oozes out of him. That Eliott finds it hard to go to that place where he has to talk about his mental illness. We see Eliott struggle to get the words out, look over towards Lucas, Lucas quietly reassures him and then steps in when he senses that it's too much. We see Eliott curl into Lucas in gratitude and like a child who needs comfort. And again it tells you that Eliott is very affected by his bipolar. That it's a huge effort for him to confront it and even talk about it. And now you see how it's such a focus in regards to power and agency over himself, the fear of not having it, how he can help others and how he frames it in his love with Lucas.

"And i have Lucas...i can't lose this"

That this is the crux of everything. That all the fears, insecurities, feelings are rooted in his SKAM. And we further see this explored as we begin to see the domestic scenes between Elu. How Eliott doesn't seem to be around the chaotic boygroup like the fanbase thought he would. And that's an issue because we have to admit to ourselves that we built Eliott up in a certain way, and we expected him to integrate with the gang, but the show naturally evolved Eliott the way the character is at his core. And that is why his spirit animal is a raccoon (curious, intelligent, friendly, mischievious, nocturnal, wild at heart, will lash out if threatened or cornered, wears a mask said to protect against night glare) basically Eliott is at heart a wild creature, that he goes off at night exploring, that he's chaotic in nature and a lone wolf. That he gravitates towards situations and behaviours that reflect his inner nature. That is who Eliott is.

So we see a lot of chaos and loudness in the boygroup centered in Elu's appartment in early S5. Lucas joins in and they scream over social media, and they literally hangout there all the time. After the party they stay the whole weekend, and Lucas does eventually say guys c'mon not tonight it's date night with Eliott. But you're shown basically that they do it alot. And probably more hangouts happened off screen. Crucially you're shown Eliott is not there joining in on the chaos. And in S5 the boygang were dialed up in energy and i don't think that's a coincidence at all. They were so much that even i felt over stimulated. Now like i said i do think this is important for Eliott and important to his arc. He told Lola that he needed something for himself in the urbex and that he needs to be by himself and breathe. I can attest that people who suffer from mental illness need to get the fuck away sometimes. That the mind becomes chaos and over stimulated and you need to recharge your batteries in a safe space. I believe, and i think S6 is showing this, that this is what happened with Eliott. That it was too much, and in his own love nest, so he left Lucas to do what he wanted with his beloved friends, never kicked up a fuss and just went and did his own thing e.g. urbex and otteli. That he found peace in this natural art environment channeling his raccoon and made it a safe space. And that now Lucas is shown hanging out a lot with the boygang and Eliott is otteli the extreme urbexer. I also believe that this may come up between them as part of minute par minute. That they may be letting things slide on both sides for fear of upsetting the other. In S6 Lucas was hanging out with the boygang sans Eliott and Eliott was alone and able to go help Lola at a crucial moment. Lucas is out of the loop as he was away and that caused conflict between Elu the next morning. I think all of this will finally come to a head in the following weeks.

At one point under all the fanbase jokes and memes about Eliott and Lucas being adoptive parents to these idiots. It start's getting serious, because we find out Eliott has been going through a depressive spell. And while all this shit was happening too. That he was probably going through one as far back as the house warming, and put a brave face on. That him waking up at 3pm was part of it or even a hint to Otteli urbexing. But they show you that the boys wake him up. That he's not part of the meeting but joins later.

And then another scene that sets up Otteli the raccoon urbexer. He brings the gang to an abandoned building. This is the confirmation of what the fanbase always suspected about Eliott. That he has an urban exploration hobby. With La Petite Ceinture it was debated that Eliott liked to explore the Parisian underbelly in S3 but it wasn't expanded on. Now we see it. And Eliott brings sprays and they graffiti and have fun. This sets up so many things e.g. urbex, otteli tag, street art and the expression of art as a seasonal theme focussed on Eliott. This clip is about Arthur but now looking back it's actually Eliott. It sets up his hobby, how he helps people using art, how specifically he expresses himself through art, his secret identity, and his passion for urbex. All in this little clip. To add he's already tagged the building, probably when he found it. He uploads graffiti insta art that day of him in practice. Once again it's positive art and it's a beautiful flower. And in S6 we see all this. Eliott as an artist is a direct contrast to Lola and when Lola expresses herself through art it reflects through damage and breakage, ugly and negative depressing photography. I believe this is a theme and we see it with Lola and Eliott. Eliott will use his art to help her and seeing how he expresses love and connection through art e.g. polaris, love mural, friendship mural, possible art we have yet to see. Lola will change her view of not only the world but of how she expresses herself artistically. I do believe that is a theme of S6.

Then Eliott goes away for a few weeks. Lucas is asked about him and he lets the audience know that Eliott is struggling with his mental illness and lucas can do nothing but love him and wait. The week after Eliott posts on insta a cuddle selfie with the caption 'spring of the senses' and a hedgehog emoji. This tells us that Eliott is out of his depressive spell, that he's grateful for Lucas and considers it a rebirth. Again we see that Eliott's MI is ongoing and doesn't just get fixed in this relationship. We see Lucas's maturity with Eliott's illness but we also see hints that this mental illness is a weight on the relationship. That Eliott has sorta hinged the love on his mental health. That there's a theme in S6 right now of Eliott trying to lead Lola out of the darkness that he once found himself in. That Eliott himself was led out of the darkness by Lucas but there are now issues of agency and capability. That he fixates on this sorta 'saviour complex' maybe, and it'll be something very important for his rock bottom moment. Maybe Eliott must face and save himself this time to bring his arc full circle.

There are little hints which i don't think are accidental for Elu in S5. One of them is Lucas being late to the laser tag. Now i must stress Lucas is never late. That's Eliott's department, and the fanbase picked up on it. And i think it was to hint at Elu issues. Also when Lucas has his outburst at Arthur on Valentines, and Arthur rips into him. If you look at Lucas you see that he goes to say something, like he's trying to explain something but stops and doesn't continue. And the way Axel plays it is like Lucas looks stressed and strained. Again i don't think that's an accident at all. There's issues at home clearly.

Then Eliott shows up for the holiday. And he rents and drives the van for the gang. We see Elu domestic and in love, and again a pattern, as once again in S6 they'll fight but make up being all cuddly again. We see it when Eliott posts a love declaration to Lucas 2 days after their big Idriss fight in S4, we see it in S6 when they fight and then post a couples selfie later on. And it's probably hinted at here. They fought in the background at some point and are now super in love. So the show is depicting that they'll argue and still love each other. But it's also depicting issues being pushed to the side so they can be in love again (love bubble).

Ok, so Eliott is super happy and bouncy sunshine just loving life and Lucas. At one point he falls in love with a bunny he names Fifi. Now we see this is a habit as he also fell in love with a chocolate labrador and tried to steal him in the past. So Eliott just responds to vulnerability with affection and adoption e.g. lab, fifi, taking lola under his wing. For all his demons we see Eliott has a lot to offer the world. He's just well meaning and cares. Lucas gives into his pleading which is cute and then Fifi is killed and Eliott is heartbroken. So we see he gets attached to things and he puts a lot into that attachment. And when it backfires it hurts. Now i don't know if this is true but someone from that group chat leaked that Eliott was supposed to have an episode but it was cut. If true it again highlights how stressors can make Eliott spiral and he may spiral again (S6) but again i don't know if that S5 spiral is true, so i'm not gonna go further into that.

So then there's the cheating conversation and Eliott gives his view and then answers Bas's question. He's aware of what he did to Lucille. He says he's not proud of it but he emphasises Lucas's importance to him. He does it again in S6 and he's hinged his mental health on it which is crucial. Again it's just Eliott being Eliott. A hipster view of humanity, and not really judging anybody in particular. Just a general statement of the human condition. I just feel it's Eliott wanting to see the better in everything and not label anyone specifically.

You do see though that oblivious nature to Eliott's perspective. Like he says this around Lucas who has huge abandonment issues. Now i must stress it's not Eliott's fault because Lucas shows with Arthur later on that he hasn't confided these fears in Eliott. So Eliott is kind of blind here. Like he's playing with Lucas's hair. He's not even talking about their relationship. So i feel bad for the attacks that happened on Eliott. But it sets up how Eliott being friends with Lola is going to lead to miscommunication and mistrust. And it's setting up when Lucas comes clean to Eliott about his fears how puzzled Eliott's going to be, how on another page Eliott is. And it's setting up Eliott finally declaring to Lucas himself how much he means to him.

Then as Lucas is talking to Arthur about Eliott, Eliott bursts in early in the morning super sunshine giving zero fucks cuddling and kissing Lucas. And it shows that divide right in front of Arthur. How Lucas is like all worried and stressed over Eliott straying and then a second later he's all loved up and happy and just pushes that shit to one side. Like Lucas literally turns it off and on in this scene. And Eliott has no idea his boyfriend feels like this. This is the definition of the love bubble. And look at how well Lucas's hides this. That scene shows it all. It also sets up Eliott having a friend in a girl (Lucas and pansexuality) and Lucas fearing that Eliott will find something better and leave Lucas, it sets up the movie spoiler and how Lucas will take it, and it sets up the abandonment issues coming to the forefront in S6. It sets up them both understanding just how much they've been afraid to share and it sets up them trying to keep the relationship in the honeymoon mode. They're basically afraid to be real.

Last we see of Eliott he is back in that building and partying and vibing being Eliott. He then paints another mural. This time it's a friendship mural. And cements Eliott's art being used as a theme for the season e.g. S3 love, S5 friendship, S6 connection (upcoming theory). He is used to wrap up Arthur's themes and motifs in his season (Arthur fixated on space and the cosmos and using his insta to reflect the vacumn and loneliness of being HOH) now Arthur is among this huge cosmos grounded through the connection of friendship. It sets up the completion of the gang being at the forefront of the show, it shows the importance of them in each others lives. But crucially it shows Eliott seperated from that. So it is here where we see that Eliott doesn't include himself in the mural. This is Eliott establishing himself as a lone wolf on the periphery of connection. That he also has a perspective because he's on the periphery of the group, which serves him in S6 and connects him to the story. That he's not insulated, so can navigate the bigger picture. Can see what the group can't. It also sets up no matter how deep the demons run in Eliott he can still see love, positivity and connection in the world. That he gives back through his art. So the friendship mural was a gift to the gang and because he loves Lucas and knows the place the gang have in Lucas's life. And he has never interferred in that, or felt threatened. We see how Lucas looks at him and the gratitute and love coming from him.

Then Lucas posts an insta of him and Eliott in front of the mural holding hands. We see that Lucas has brought Eliott into the mural to say you're important to me too. But we see that he's there through Lucas and not because he belongs there. We see that Eliott doesn't feel a place in this group. That he'll be at the big events but other than that Eliott may be yet to find his place, or it could just simply be that Eliott forms small connections and not big ones. And now in S6 with his friendship with Lola and what he said in the church about not being comfortable around people? I took that to mean large groups and i took it to mean Eliott expressing himself with his MI and largely being an introverted person, as introverted people can be drained by their environment.

Finally i just wanted to address what Maxence said in the recent interview about. "He's lonely" first of all i was sad because i feel deeply for Eliott, but i'm also trying to work out what this means. Does he mean Eliott's lonely right now, or always has been? Is it to do with Lucas spending a lot of time away from him and it's caused him to try to find a distraction of his own? Is it to do with his introverted nature? Is it to do with him wanting someone to understand him? Is this his arc, to accept that's it's ok to be alone and not feel shamed, or is it simply his mental illness making him feel out of step with everyone? I haven't worked it out yet as you can see all the questions. But i may do a seperate post on this at some point. But i do believe right now it adds to the S6 themes of insulation v isolation.

My final post will be about Eliott and Lola's friendship. Thanks for reading. 💜

#skam france #skamfr #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant

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ashtheshortstack · 4 years

Text

take my scars & make them stars - ch 5

Rating: M Ship: Kristoff/Anna Chapter Five

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Sick Fic, Cancer Fic, Chronic Illness, Chemotherapy, Modern AU, Coffee Shop AU, Fluff and Angst, Fluff, Eventual Smut, Angst with a happy ending, Mutual Pining, Mentions of Character Death

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Anna usually went to the coffee shop after treatments, but she decided to have a different routine that day. Surely, Kristoff wouldn’t mind if she popped in on a different day. If Anna was honest with herself, despite their constant messaging and videos…. she missed him. And she was having one of her bad days, so it’d be nice to see him. The need to see him seemed so silly since they’d just gone to the park a week prior, but Anna could never really get enough of him. She didn’t know a--whatever they had--could feel like this. She’d spent so much wasted time with Hans, but she’d never felt like this.

Never had she felt so cared for… Even from her own family. Sure, Elsa tried her best now. And it wasn’t her fault she was kept away when they were children. But, her sister had stayed a little distant until the diagnosis. Which was probably because of Hans, and Anna didn’t blame her for that.

Anna was grateful that Elsa opened her door to her when she said she was leaving Hans. She was glad Gerda and her sister still wanted to be with her after she left, despite both of them warning her that Hans was bad news. They probably believed she would eventually come to her senses. And hoped she would move on. And although Anna hadn’t expected to move on so quickly after such a long term relationship, it was like a breath of fresh air. Even though… if she were honest with herself, the time with Hans hadn’t felt like a relationship in years. It had just become a regular constant in her life. Not actually anything with true meaning anymore.

So, walking into the coffee shop and seeing that familiar smoothed back ginger hair had Anna completely disoriented. Her chest tightened as she swallowed thickly. There was a familiar crowd of frat boys at the table, including those two guys--Erik and Francis--that Hans had started to hang out with frequently right before their break-up. There were cute sorority girls attached to their arms, smiling and laughing along with them in their seats. There must’ve been some event nearby, and they’d all stopped by for coffee.

Of course, Anna rationally knew by living in the same college town that there was a chance of running into Hans. Arendelle was big but not that big. But she just didn’t think it’d happen. She’d gone months without seeing him, so he’d not really been on her radar. What were the chances he’d show up in the very coffee shop her new, uh, not boyfriend worked at?

Kristoff saw her when she entered, and while he seemed a bit stunned to see her, he grinned fondly--completely unaware of the mental collapse she was experiencing. Anna kept glancing in Hans’ direction, hoping he wouldn’t notice her. She forced a small smile, and instead of approaching the counter, she pointed to the table that they normally occupied during her visits. Kristoff furrowed his brows, looking a bit concerned, but nodded anyway.

She returned the gesture and headed towards the seat. Anna huddled herself in the corner, busying with her phone in an attempt to avoid drawing any attention. God, she wanted to kick herself for not wearing makeup that day… or just dressing up at all. She hadn’t felt great that day to begin with, that’s part of the reason she’d wanted so badly to see Kristoff to cheer her up. She’d just left her house in an Arendelle University sweatshirt with leggings and comfy running shoes. And one of her beanies, of course. She was full “sick girl” style… and it pissed her off that Hans could see her in such a state. Anna wanted him to know she was strong, didn’t need him, and was fighting her cancer just fine. In fact, she’d felt better than she ever had. The therapy included in her treatments worked wonders… It was group therapy, but it helped to rant about Hans in the times she needed it.

Her eyes kept flickering around as she scrolled through her phone. Not really reading the content in front of her, she was mostly paranoid about being seen. She felt her blood boil when she recognized the blonde girl she’d caught him macking on the day of her diagnosis. There was part of her that wanted to confront him. To call him out on what a bastard he was.

But she couldn’t. It wasn’t a battle she wanted to fight. Anna just wanted to enjoy her day, despite how utterly drained she felt.

Kristoff’s gaze never left her. That frown was plastered on his lips. She knew he could tell something was wrong. That was just one of his many quirks: reading her like a book. Anna watched him as he called Ryder over to take the register and he stalked over to her, apron and name tag still on and everything. Quickly, he pulled up a seat next to her and looked her over.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

Anna simply shakes her head. The last thing she wants to do is to upset him while he’s working. She knows how fierce Kristoff’s sneer is, and she doesn’t want to get him fired for glaring down a paying customer. “It’s nothing. J-Just a lot of people in here is all.”

The blonde scoffs at that. “You got that right. They had a fall festival event for the Greek organizations at the park,” he smirked leaning in to her. “You would not believe how many pumpkin spice lattes I’ve had to make in the last hour.”

She couldn’t help but giggle at that. Pushing him gently back by his shoulder, Anna smiled up at him. “When is your break?”

“In about twenty minutes? But if you need me, I’m yours, okay?”

Her heart fluttered at that. Nodding, she agreed. “Yeah.”

Kristoff gave a gentle squeeze to her shoulder with a reassuring smile. Giving her one more once over, he seemed hesitant to leave her, but he stood and went back to work.

Despite her spike in anxiety, he really had helped her calm down. At least a little. She felt safe when he was there, but now she felt exposed to the world again. So, she returned to scrolling through her phone. If only she had earbuds so she could drown out the crowd. But she was pretty sure she’d forgotten them on the counter.

Her phone suddenly chimed, startling her but when she saw the ID was Elsa, she instantly answered.

“Hello?”

“Anna, where are you?”

Blinking, she was a bit stunned by her sister’s harsh tone. “I’m at Arendelle Roasts, why?”

“Did you cook something?”

“Uh, yeah? I wanted to lighten the load on Gerda since I was at home all day and baked the chicken for dinner ahead of time.”

“You left the oven on.”

“Oh. Oh, God, Elsa… I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean--I’m so--ugh!” Anna grimaced, smacking herself in the face. God, chemo brain was so stupid! So, not only had she left her earbuds on the counter, she’d also almost burned the house down. Fuck, could this day get any worse!?

“Hey, hey, hey--calm down, Anna, it’s okay. No one got hurt. Just double check from now on, okay?”

“Okay… I just--I’m sorry, it’s only the afternoon and this has already been a horrible day.”

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you with Kristoff?”

Anna tapped the table, glancing her in her ex-fiance’s direction, glad to see his back was still to her. “Yeah, it’s who else is here. Uh--you-know-who.”

“Hans is there!?”

“Yes. And he hasn’t seen me yet, and I’m just trying to keep it that way.”

“Do you want me to come get you?”

“No. I’ll be fine.”

After a few more brief reassurances from her sister, they exchanged “love you”s and “goodbye”. When she hung up the phone, she was grateful that she was still alone. There was a small glance from Kristoff, but she just grinned at him and he bobbed his head before returning to customers. It was very crowded. She was lucky their table wasn’t taken when she walked in. Kristoff and Ryder were busy bees as they sped through multiple orders. Their teamwork was impeccable, really. Anna wasn’t sure how on earth Kristoff would be able to take his break.

She was so lost in watching the boys work that when Hans suddenly stood, it completely startled her. Gasping, she hurriedly looked down at her phone, hoping he hadn’t noticed her. He was at the counter, ordering something else it seemed. When he turned towards her, Anna felt her heart drop to the pit of her stomach. She glanced up fully, and Hans was staring at her. He arched a brow, squinting harshly at her as he slowly processed who she was. It disgusted her to see Kristoff speak so politely to her ex as he handed over the drink. Hans’ expression changed to that fake pretty boy smile as he thanked him for the drink. But she saw the way his eyes changed, the way his lips quirked into a smirk as he meandered towards her seat.

Feeling her eyes widen, she went back to piddling on her phone. She could just pretend she had no idea who he was. Maybe, he’d think she was some other girl with cancer? The treatment center was highly regarded around the country, so there were a lot of patients in the area. Anna just lucked out with living in such a prosperous town.

Hans pulled out the chair, sitting down in front of her with that smarmy look on his face. She ignored him. Not even sparing him a glance.

“Well, this is the last place I expected to see you,” he said with a chuckle.

His voice made her skin crawl. She hid her flinch pretty well, she was sure. Anna still didn’t pay him any mind and casually played a word game on her phone. Maybe her constant swiping would pester him enough to leave. He usually had a problem with the way she did anything.

Tapping the table, Hans took a sip of his drink. “You could at least acknowledge me, Anna. You’re lucky I’m even speaking to you while you look like that.”

Anna decided to muster her best Kristoff scowl as she slowly lowered her phone. She kept her gaze hard, lips in a harsh frown. “What do you want ?” she growled with as much venom as she could muster.

His brow twitched. “That’s rude. Is this how you treat all of the men who spare you a glance?”

“Too bad you’re not a man, you’re just a cheating coward,” Anna said, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair.

Hans laughed at her words. Which fueled her anger even more. “Such big bad words for someone who looks like she can’t even fight off a fly.”

“Everything is about appearances for you, isn’t it!?” she spat, standing quickly.

Anna felt her nostrils flare, her body shook as hot hatred brewed inside her. Heart pounding, her hands clenched against the table. And while Hans seemed a bit shocked at the display, he still didn’t move. He would learn that she wasn’t that meek little girl she manipulated for far too many years despite how she looked on the outside.

She wasn’t even sure when Kristoff got there.

“Excuse me, is there a problem here?” he asked, voice cool and professional despite the anger Anna recognized in his eyes.

He was glancing at Anna seeming to beg for an answer, but she just crossed her arms. Staring her ex-fiance down with as much fury as she could.

Hans waved him off. “Oh, nothing to be concerned about. Her bark is far worse than her bite.”

Kristoff’s lips parted at his words, brows shooting past his bangs. “Uh, do you know her?”

“This is Hans. My ex-fiance,” she murmured.

The blonde gaped. “Your what?”

Hans snorted. “Yes, it’s embarrassing to even admit I was with someone like you. You know I’ve always had more of a preference for blondes? Maybe, if you had looked a little more like Elsa, I would’ve found you sexier.”

Kristoff’s jaw snapped shut and clenched. If Hans didn’t shut up, Anna was worried her ex may get decked. Not that she would complain. But Kristoff was working, and that would definitely not look good with his boss.

Shaking her head, Anna scoffed. “Oh, c’mon. You’re pathetic if you think you can goad me.”

“Goad you into what? I’m not afraid of a fragile, desperate, little wallflower like you. Do you know how much it pained me to deal with you for all those years when I didn’t even get the pay out? And I already knew how I wanted to spend our money.” he smirked.

She knew what he was doing. Trying to manipulate her into reacting. Into doing what he wanted. Forcing her into acting. Just as always, trying to be the victim. Make her look like the aggressor to the crowd of people.

He can’t hurt me anymore , she reminded herself. His words meant nothing. Hans Westergaard was nothing to her.

“Look at yourself, Anna. All you ever wanted was for someone to love you and now? What man would ever desire someone like you?”

Kristoff’s hand slammed onto the table, startling both of them, and a few customers at nearby tables. “I would,” he snarled. Anna’s breath caught in her throat. A flood of emotions began to overwhelm her. Gripping Hans by the arm, the blonde brought him to a stand. “I would appreciate it if you’d leave, sir. I’m sure my boss would not be too pleased to hear you’re harassing one of our favorite customers.”

Hans glanced between the two of them before jerking his arm away. “I see. Well, don’t expect any more business from any of us,” he retorted with a glare.

“I can live with that.”

As Hans began to move away, Anna’s feet were suddenly moving on their own. She hadn’t thought through her actions. She didn’t know what came over her. But there was a sick sense of satisfaction when she smacked Hans’ cup in his hand, making him pour the contents all over his clothes. He shouted, gaining more attention from the crowded shop. There was a chorus of laughter from his Greek comrades as Hans flicked coffee off his hands and looked down at his ruined shirt.

“You bitch,” he hissed taking a step towards her.

But Kristoff was faster, getting between the two of them. “Touch her, and you answer to me.” His voice was deep and dark. The fire in those honey-brown eyes spoke more volumes than his words ever could.

Anna blinked innocently. “I’m sorry. I get muscle spasms sometimes. It’s a side effect from chemo,” she chimed loud enough for the witnesses to hear.

With a glare, Hans straightened out his shirt, standing taller and stomping back over to his friends. They quickly gathered, standing and leaving the shop as some of the girls went back to buy a few sweets to go. When he was finally out of the coffee shop, Anna felt her shoulders deflate. Her wobbly legs somehow led her back to a chair as she practically collapsed into it.

She knew the spike in blood pressure was not good for her. But she was so proud of herself. Even though… she honestly just wanted to cry. Her eyes watered, tearing pricking the corners as she quickly wiped them away.

Kristoff’s expression was almost unreadable. There were so many emotions etched along his face. With a sigh, he turned to her. “Are you okay?”

Sniffling, she nodded. “Yeah.”

He cocked a brow. “I’ll be back.”

When he walked off, Anna felt her heart plummet to her stomach. She should’ve told Kristoff about Hans much sooner. She was kicking herself for not being honest with him. It was just something she wasn’t fond of talking about. Just springing “hey, i was engaged!” on someone wasn’t a reasonable thing to do. Especially not in a relationship that wasn’t labeled yet.

Anna was stunned to see Kristoff come around the corner in his regular clothes. No apron or name tag in sight. He bobbed his head towards the door. “Let’s go.”

“Go? Go where? What about your shift?”

“I have time I can put in. Honeymaren is already here in the back to cover for me. I’m taking you home.”

Her eyes went wide. “Oh, God, Kristoff. I’m so sorry. I’m totally disrupting your life. I didn’t mean--”

Taking her hands, he pulled Anna to a stand. “Hey, hey, none of that. We’ll talk on the way, okay?”

Anna nodded. “Okay…”

o~o~o~o

They didn’t talk on the way. The truck ride to her home was awkwardly silent. Anna couldn’t help but feel like Kristoff was upset with her. And he had every right to be. She just waltzed into the coffee shop while he was working, had a confrontation with her ex-fiance he didn’t even know about, then forced him to leave his shift early to take her home. It was completely justified if he was furious with her.

When they reached her home, Kristoff put the truck into park. Before she could change her mind, Anna turned to him. “Do you want to come in?”

He seemed stunned, but nodded nonetheless.

Anna opened the door, grateful when she noted there was no one there to ask questions as to why he was here. Kristoff followed her up the stairs as she guided him to her room. He seemed just as in awe of the inside of her home as he had of the outside. Hopping on the bed, Anna patted the place across from her so they could talk face to face about this.

She crossed her legs as Kristoff mirrored her position and looked at her. He sat silently, waiting for her to speak. It took a few moments for her to gather her courage, but Kristoff never rushed her. He just sat patiently as he always did.

Finally, she sucked in a breath. “Hans and I met in high school. I was young and dumb and desperate for a happily ever after. People talk about how romantic it is to marry your high school sweetheart, so I convinced myself that’s what we were,” Anna gazed down at her lap, watching her thumbs fiddle in her lap. “It was all a lie. Hans was so, ugh, convincing . I believed every word he said. I believed him when he told me I was a bad girlfriend if I didn’t do as he wanted. I’d never been in a relationship, how was I supposed to know? As you saw today… Hans was only with me because I have money. And don’t get me wrong his family is loaded, but he didn’t want to have to share with his brothers.”

Kristoff was nodding, absorbing her words like a sponge. “So, what happened? How’d you get out?”

“I had been miserable since we graduated. As soon as he started college, he got worse. More...manipulative than before. Loved drama. Knew how to get under my skin and pick a fight. I knew he was cheating on me, but I just kept pretending he wasn’t. It was just too much. Then… I got diagnosed. And I knew if I was going to be in the fight of my life, then I didn’t want to spend it with Hans. Plus, like hell would I let him get my money if I didn’t make it.”

Snorting at that, he agreed. “True,” he said. She watched him purse his lips, seeming to think something over. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Anna smiled sadly. “I planned to. I just never felt like I had a reasonable opportunity. Our first date already had such heavy discussions that I didn’t want the added bonus of ‘hey, I had a fiance’ on top of it. I just never wanted to ruin the moment.”

“I understand.”

Sighing, she felt her shoulders deflate. “I’m sorry for all the shit I caused today. This wasn’t how I wanted you to find out.”

Kristoff chuckled at that, nervously scratching at his neck. “It was a shock, for sure. But you have nothing to apologize for. You were so badass.”

“Really?” she giggled, hugging herself slightly.

“Yeah. And when smacked his coffee on him? I had to try so hard not to laugh.”

Anna busted a breathy laugh. “It felt pretty great. You know… the day I left I punched him in the face.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah…”

“God, you’re amazing.”

They shared a small laugh, but suddenly… Anna felt all of the anger and hatred she felt for Hans bubbling to the surface. All of the horrid things he’d said to her floated in her head. Despite not caring for Hans for a long time, what he said still hurt. It hadn’t been too long ago that he was still a part of her life. When she still let him control her. And she didn’t want to give him that power over her again, but it was hurtful anyway.

She felt herself fall silent, hugging herself tighter and looking away from him.

“What’s wrong?”

Anna gave a bitter hiss. “I just… He basically admitted that I was nothing to him. Even said I wasn’t as pretty as Elsa and said that I’m even worse off now. It’s so disgusting. It makes me so angry that I let him touch me when he didn’t even find me attractive. That I gave him my virginity. He didn’t deserve me like that. And I deserved better.”

Crawling towards her, Kristoff came to sit beside her. His hand rubbed comforting circles on her back. “You’re right, he never deserved you. But you made the right decision for yourself in getting out. I’m grateful you’re here now. I… I really like being with you, Anna.”

“Me too,” she smiled up at him. “You have no idea how much you’ve helped me through all of this.”

“I’m glad I can be here for you,” he said. His smile was so sweet and genuine. She’d never seen someone whose honesty was plastered on their face.

Anna felt her cheeks heat a little as she leaned in closer. She noticed his eyes flick to her lips and back to her eyes. It had her heart pounding. Was he going to kiss her? Did he want to? She wanted to…

Kristoff cupped her cheek, pulling her in slightly before closing the gap between them. The kiss was featherlight. Barely just a brush of their lips together. But it was enough to have her eyes fluttering shut, and leaning into his touch as he deepened the kiss. She sighed, letting out a small, happy hum. Kristoff chuckled in response, laughing against her lips.

For an absolutely shitty day… Anna decided it didn’t end as badly as it began.

#kristanna #kristoff x anna #the queen & her reindeer king #ash writes #frozen fic #anna x kristoff #kristanna fic #tw: cancer #tw: character death #cancer fic #angst #hurt/comfort #mentions of chemotherapy #tms&mts #take my scars & make them stars

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #348

“nothing will be free / nothing will be done / black out the sun”

Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story. Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah. Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science. What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one. Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh. Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it. How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal. Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No. Do you wear jewelry often? No. What color was your senior prom dress? Black. Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to. What was your first favorite color? Red. What do you think about horror movies? I love them. If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too. What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word. Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since. What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know. What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now... Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No. Ever done drugs? No. Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds." What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think. If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds. Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure. What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it. What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food. What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah. What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+. What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy. What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy. What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself. Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No. Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains! Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's. Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so. Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No. Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney. Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it. Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes. Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special. What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique. Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods. Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk. Where was your FB display pic taken? My room. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks. Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No. Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No. What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name. Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah. Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from. Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr. Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend? Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops. Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another. Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it. Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today. What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I know we lost it along the way to something better, something so much more than pleasure that we seek, so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves as we manufacture our own hell." What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH. What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did. Do you know any gay people personally? Ye. What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day. What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''blackout'' by 3teeth

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curlyhairallday · 5 years

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Bump and Dumps - Part 7

She spent the whole flight passed out in front of the toilet or with her head down it being sick. She was convinced this baby hated her.

Hattie could not have been in more of a rush to get to Harry’s car. Her whole plane journey had her being sick and she had even spotted a girl in a TPWK hoodie who was trying to sneakily video her. She loved Harry’s fans they gave her best friend the opportunities and she understood why all these people were in love with him because she was as well. However, she hated when fans would video or take photos without asking she knew they would think it’s weird if someone did it to them, especially when she had her head in one of the silly paper bags they give you to be sick in. She was well aware that this girl was adding fuel to the fire, especially when she was flying out to the same city as Harry.

She grabbed her sun glasses out her bag and popped them on hoping this and the messy bun would help prevent anymore people from noticing her. She saw Harry’s body guard Flynn waiting holding a sign for her.

“Hey dude, long time no see.” She quickly hugged the 6’4 man who looked more like a rock.

“Hello Harriet.” He quickly grabbed her bag and she began to follow him, Flynn was a quiet man he had two young daughters and a lovely wife he helped protect Harry whenever he was in the US and her and Harry had been to dinner with him and his family a few times. Although, Flynn and Hattie were friends she knew he was very serious in public places. He liked his job and he saw Hattie as the only possibility of him getting fired, especially after Harry’s warning to hime today. Even though Hattie had been upset about the article in England there weren’t really paps everyone left her alone and she was only photographed by fans. But Harry knew the US was different they had not stopped running stories about Harry and Hattie ever since she had first come on the scene and he was worried for her and the baby.

“So is Harry in the car?”

“Umm have you checked your phone?”

“Nope I haven’t turned it on yet, I am the only passenger who still turns there phone of I think it must be a childhood fear.” She giggled quickly turning it on only to see a text which she guess she should have expected.

Harold: I am so sorry I have to get ready for an interview. I will make it up to you later.

“Should have guessed. Oh well so I am guessing you know?” Hattie asked Flynn as they got in the car.

“He told me for your protection. Congratulations Emmie and Faye will love having a new friend.”

When Flynn pulled up he noticed Hattie was fast asleep he wasn’t surprised as she had explained her severe morning sickness. He had promised to bring ginger biscuits which his wife had sworn by through both her pregnancies. He quickly scooped her up and layed her down on the sofa. He sent a quick text to Harry letting him know she was there safe and went home.

“Hatters.” A voice gently stirred her while rubbing gentle circles onto her forehead.

“Hey baby I missed you.” Harry kissed her forehead knowing that kissing her was a step to far.

“My penguin.” She sleepily muttered, while sitting and rubbing her awake trying to rub away her tiredness and failing miserably.

“Your penguin.” Harry chuckled.

“You didn’t get me.” Harry smirked he didn’t realise how much he missed clingy Hattie but he was loving it.

“I am sorry bubba, I had to do some work so I could spend tonight with you.” He kissed her forhead again as she nuzzled into him.

“Flynn, told me how bad you have been making you mummy feel so be a nice hey Baby we treat our mummy’s nicely.” he gently stroked her tiny bump for the first time it wouldn’t be noticeable unless like Harry you knew her body well.

“Our baby doesn’t like me Harry it makes me sick all the time. We can’t even agree on coffee.” She had kola herself to him so her words were muffled by his chest.

“This baby must be brave denying you coffee.” She smacked him stomach but she knew it was true she was evil without her coffee.

“I have an interview soon here at the house. I know you’re jet lagged but I would really like you to sit in on it if you feel up to it. After we will get take out and can just watch movies and fall asleep.” She nodded her head against his chest, he would really love to stay here as this is the most love he had got from her in two months but he needed to get ready as the crew would be here in a minute

“I am sorry bub, I need to get ready.” Hattie felt disappointment go through her as she missed him as soon as he left she was not sure whether it was the tiredness or hormones but she wanted him.

Her mouth began to water as he came back in a shirt, she was having the symptom that Rachel had in friends all she could think about was jumping his bones.

“Harry picked this out for me to wear, does it look alright love?”

“Umm yeah it does.” She tried to stop herself from phyiscally dribbling at him she loved laid back Harry look and this was doing things to her.

“I better go change it was a long flight, can I shower in your room?”

“I was hoping as we are getting on maybe you could stay with me. Only of course if you’re comfortable? I mean I just want to spend quality time together and I need my big spoon.” He nervously rubbed his neck.

“I am not sure if you want to do that I haven’t been sleeping great lately. I am sick a lot sometimes I just spend time gagging as there is nothing in my stomach.”

Harry face immediately turned to a frown.

“You should call the midwife or the doctors, When was the last time you ate?”

“Hey calm it. It is completely normal loads of women actually lose weight in the first trimester. I am going to go shower.”

“You shower and I will get you something to eat. What do you fancy?”

“Honestly, I want a water and maybe quavers. Do they even sell those here?”

“I will sort it. Go shower I will ask my assistant to grab them.”

She left to also go and quickly change realising she probably had the smell of vomit on her. She looked at herself and felt tears filled her eyes as she realised she looked ugly as hell her hair was a mess she had no makeup on and she was gaining weight it was going to her thighs and boobs her stomach was no longer flat even though these changes were slight realising how perfect he was made her cry. She had never been one to be self conscious before she wasn’t in love with herself but she was happy with herself she had always had stretch marks on her boobs and legs and she was proud of them as she knew it was just a sign of growth much like the lines on tree trunks. Her pregnancy hormones were sending her wild also the consistent hunger and sickness was getting to her. However she was ready now all she could think about was what the little baby would look like and it’s little chubby cheeks. She quickly grabbed Harry’s calvin Klein Jumper and some leggings.

When she walked out she could hear Harry on the phone.

“Alexa, can you please get me some water and ginger biscuits also quavers. I need you to find some. No of course I don't care if you’re late I just really need them. Thank you.”

She smirked she knew he was really trying.

“You look cute. I brought that jumper with me because it smells of you with how often you steal it.”

“It’s so cosy though.” She hugged him today she felt like kola she was so sleepy and poorly. She realised that she wasn’t going to glow through pregnancy and if she was it would be from the swear.

“I am loving your mood today bub but I am worried you’re not normally like this.”

“I just feel so sick and I’ve missed comfort.”

“I promise cuddles after this. Everyone came when you were in the shower they are setting up outside. Jeff is out there and Mitch if you wanna hang with them while we record.”

“Yeah sounds good.”

“You really have lost weight though I will arrange a meeting with a doctor tomorrow, can’t have you two ill.” He kissed her forehead, Hattie quickly raised her head pecking his lips.

They walked out and there was about ten people outside setting everything up, she smiled when she saw Mitch and Jeff in the corner.

“Zane this is Hattie. Is it alright if she sits in she has just come over from the Uk?”

“Hi nice to meet you.”

“You to.” Hattoe gave him a quick hug she wasn’t ever nervous until she was in Harry’s world she never knew how to act with his people.

“I saw you when I was doing some quick research for this interview, looked like a fun night the other night.” He laughed she knew he was just breaking the tension but it threw her off guard.

“Something like that. Urrmm I am going to stand over there. Good luck with the interview.” She whispered the last bit to Harry while giving him a quick hug. She was convinced this Baby loved Harry as he was the first person she had been able to handles scent everyone else's made her stomach churn.

“Hey guys, how have you been?” Hattie gave them a quick hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Better than you. Harry messaged me earlier about quavers I hear my future God child is messing you around.”

“You could say that again, I haven’t been able to eat anything the only thing this baby likes is water.”

“Everyone please be quiet recording is about to start.”

Hattie sat herself down on the lawn as she knew she was already tired and the standing was not going to help. Harry interview was good until he asked about Cherry. Her heart broke a bit knowing that Camille voice was at the end she had heard bits of the album but this was new news it felt like another stab as to why she was not perfect. Especially now with her body about to change and the mood swings she was going to become Harry’s worse nightmare.

Everyone packed up and left Hattie spoke with Mitch while Harry thanked everyone. She questioned him on tour and stuff wanting to know she realised her and Harry hadn’t spoken about him being away but he had just annouced a tour right on the due date.

“I am pretty excited to travel again, you will have to fly out when you can we need more adventures like last time. Tokyo that was the best one you disappeared for two hours and we found you in the bathroom Harry shat himself.”

“I won’t be able to fly out much I am pretty sure you can’t fly after seven or eight months.”

“Oh my gosh I forgot when are you due?”

“13th July.”

“But we are away?”

“Me and Harry haven’t discussed the baby much at the moment Mitch. We are only just talking again.”

“He will sort it like Harry would skip the birth of his child.” He seemed so certain but Hattie didn’t want to demand he was there she wanted him to be there if he wanted to.

“It’s a new thing men in delivery rooms and anyway I am trying to forget that bit of my pregnancy. Delivery should be thought about like ten minutes before I go into labour and not a second sooner.” They both laughed the truth was she was petrified to be on her own in the delivery room.

“Um Mitch please can you tell me what Camille says in Cherry?”

“I think you should ask H that not me.”

“You’re right thanks Mitch.”

“I think you guys should talk though, knowing Harry he has forgotten the dates and he will want to be there trust me.” She just nodded as she turned to him he was shaking everyone's hand as they left the house.

“Finally they are gone and I have quavers.” She grabbed the bag of him and ran to the sofa.

Bump and Dumps Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

#one direction #one direction fanfiction #Harry Styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles fanfction

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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1068

What internet browser do you use? Chrome. It’s what I’m used to, but I also think it looks the cleanest among the other available browsers.

What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) I never reach for imported water brands like Evian because what is the point?? The local bottled water brands we have like Summit and Absolute work fine and already do a great job of quenching my thirst.

Do you have a job? Yes and I go back tomorrow and I’m cringing thinking about it. I love my job, but I wish it wasn’t so mercilessly hectic for 9 straight hours, 5 days a week. I like to think that I was hired right at the start of all the simultaneous Christmas campaigns of our clients which is why everything seemed busy; so I’m hoping the workload will start to die down a little bit now that all the holidays are over.

Are you full-time or part-time? Full-time.

Are you watching TV right now? Nope. I was watching on YouTube earlier, but I decided to focus on this.

Or are you listening to music? No. It’s silent here in the living room, just the way I want it to currently be.

Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? I don’t think that’s enough money for a dare that big.

When's your birthday? April 21st.

Thoughts on kids? I’m a lot less idealistic about them now. I used to want kids with my only formula being “I’ll do the exact opposite of what my mom did with me.” but I realized it’s so much more complicated than that. Raising a kid/kids is a whole damn job in itself and I see that with how my cousins of the same age, but from different families, have been acting. My cousins from one family are really spoiled and entitled, and I can’t last in a room with them for more than a minute; but my cousins in another family are so ridiculously well-behaved I can’t even start to fathom how respectful and kind they are. That observation has scared me away from kids in the meantime, because I still have to figure out how to not fuck such a responsibility up.

Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents? The worst thing they ever did was take away my laptop privileges for an indefinite period when I was 11, when they caught me being a dumbass on social media and cursing all over the place. It’s a reasonable punishment per se, but that was also a time when the internet was starting to become a resource and requirement for homework and school projects; so my parents didn’t know how many things I failed to submit because they didn’t allow me on the internet.

Are you the type who is completely against abortion? I am pro-choice and pro-pregnant people should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies. I don’t like the idea of abortion, but I’ve always believed people should have access to resources to learn more about it, to a healthy culture that embraces it as an option, and to actual facilities that will enable them to receive one if the need be.

Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? No, I don’t think so. Not yet at least.

Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? Peonies don’t mean anything in particular. I just think they look pretty.

What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered? I can’t imagine dogs ever getting endangered, but hypothetically I’d be crushed. I’d do the same thing I would do with other endangered animals, which is to spread the word about their situation and what can be done to save them from getting even fewer in number.

Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No. I never cared for makeup. I’m turning 23 and still don’t feel the need to invest in it...should I be worried?

Do you own a tripod for your camera? We used to, but I have not seen it in a long time.

Are your nails always painted? They never are.

What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. < This was true for me too, at least for a time. Another one would be the barbecue that my uncle bought for a family gathering once that was definitely contaminated with something...shit gave me food poisoning at 3 AM and made me think my half-naked self was going to die right then and there in the bathroom.

Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? We only ever decorate for Christmas, so I guess it wins by default.

Were you popular in school? By the second half of high school I was hanging out with the popular groups and getting invited to popular kid things, but I never wanted to claim to be popular myself. I still liked letting my friends take the spotlight.

Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion? Is there something you intend to buy in the near future? Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have? What's the screensaver on your computer? Crossing these out as I believe this survey is a shuffle of questions from many different surveys...? and I have already answered these five in a past survey I recently finished.

What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I don’t really care for guys, I think... I still haven’t made up my mind about them yet, but all I know is I definitely have not felt seriously attracted to any irl man my whole life.

What’s the sexiest thing about a girl? THIGHS

Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021? Who was the last person to send you a message on social media? ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown? Have you smiled at any point during the last hour? What was the last thing you consulted Google for? So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? When was the last time you were on a carousel? What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? Have you ever played Halo? Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine? When was the last time you had a pillow fight? Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: In your own words, define what the word sexy means. What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live? Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? Are you any good at volleyball? Have you ever had a water balloon fight? Same situation as above. What an interesting order of questions, hehe. Still having fun with this though!

Do you think some babies are ugly? Newborns are super wrinkly and make the strangest facial expressions from time to time. That won’t stop me from cooing at them, though.

Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I’ve never been there. Is it like a standard birthday party events place for kids?

Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? In time, maybe.

Do you love stuff-crusted pizza? Yessssss.

Do you apply lotion after you bathe? I don’t, but I should probably pick it up as a habit seeing how dry my skin can get.

What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. < Same!

Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Gabie.

Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? I’ve never even posted a video on YouTube.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? Not my spot of choice, so maybe not.

Do you like Robert Frost poems? I’m only familiar with one and I’m having a little trouble remembering it rn haha.

Do you go to church every Sunday? We used to go to church, yeah; back when it was okay to. Our local church has allowed face-to-face masses again (but with very limited attendees) but my mom has preferred for us to stay home, so for the last few months we’ve been watching livestreams of Sunday mass every week.

Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year? I would say Gab and I were on-and-off, but it went on a lot longer than a year. The total time would amount to six years.

If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. Or modeling, if I could only pull it off.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? I seriously don’t care. I skip out on bras all the time because I honestly personally don’t need them, and everyone should be allowed to feel and act the same way.

What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I never do this. Even before Covid, I’ve felt iffy about trying clothes that many others have already put on and were probably not washed 100% well. I’d rather get something, try it on at home, decide if it’s a good fit or not, and then return it ASAP if it ends up being the latter.

Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes? My mom doesn’t knock so I’ve always been scared to try sleeping naked (and she also throws a fit if she catches me locking my door, which is like - then why did you even buy a doorknob with a lock??), but I definitely see the appeal.

Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? Yes for the more part lmao, but I don’t know if I’ve ever made out in a dream.

Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before? Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve? What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it? Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way?

Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? Through choice. Waste management is sadly not much of a priority here, if at all.

Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day? I have never tried the latter two. Water has always been tasteless and plain to me, and I never understood the point of customizing something that’s meant to be tasteless and uncarbonated. There are days where I’m able to have several glasses and other days where I unconsciously skip out on water until dinner.

Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? Fortunately I’ve never had to call any of these.

When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? I wasssssss maybe having something printed? If it wasn’t that, I was probably returning a book.

Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? None of that here, especially since I live in the city. A sighting of a wild animal outside of a zoo or eco-park would definitely make national news, like that time an ostrich was seen running around a private village many months ago.

Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? Yep, from a dengue scare that turned out to be just a simple low platelet count.

Have you ever experienced a panic attack? Yes, but they are extremely rare. The last time I had one was maybe two or three years ago. Unfortunately I think all my panic attacks were caused by and involved my mom.

Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID? For a time, when I was hating journalism in college, I was daydreaming about the idea of shifting to biology and making the drastic swerve to med school. But I knew a love of memorizing and biology topics won’t be enough for me to be successful in the medical field, so I quickly shot the idea down.

Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? People are definitely following and have been obedient with protocol in different places. Some cities are also still strict with maintaining their checkpoints and banning tourists from entering their area just yet. It’s the government that hasn’t really been making the effort to put measures to contain the virus.

Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial. I don’t know if getting real trees for Christmas trees is a thing here.

What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn? Cheddar cheese.

Do you drink oat milk? Nopes. I’d like to try it just to say that I have (and I might end up loving it too), but I have yet to look up what foods or drinks it works best with.

Do you love thrifting? Sure, sometimes I get good finds from it.

Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic? Sometimes I’ll use it in a Powerpoint or a tweet, but I wouldn’t say it’s an aesthetic that defines me as a person.

Do you say “mood?” Too much.

Do you own fairy lights? No. I wanted those before, but I’m not so sure if I still do now.

Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? I don’t own glass straws. Most places have changed their cups into a design that you can sip directly from, anyway.

Have you made a TikTok? No, don’t care.

Do you own airpods? No, but would like a pair.

Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I really don’t care.

Do you make life choices based on astrology? No, I don’t believe in it. It scares me how much some people rely on it and use it as an actual moral compass or judgment system. It doesn’t harm anyone so I never actively speak out against astrology, but it scares me nonetheless.

How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? One pair. I used to own another one, but my mom threw it out several years ago.

Number of jeans in your closet: I would say like 10-12.

What accent do you have? Philippine English/Americanized Filipino, I guess.

Do you have a big butt? I’d say it’s decently-sized.

Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? Yeah, before.

Have you graduated? Both high school and college, yup.

Rihanna or Lady GaGa? I like Rihanna’s music more, but I love Gaga’s outfits, concepts, and stage presence more. Do you use fake eyelashes? No. I had to use them twice, but I’d never seek them out on my own.

Which was the last book that really captivated you? It’s been a while since I encountered a book like this.

What makeup brands do you use? I don’t use makeup.

#survey #surveys

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