#well. it's a tenuous line anyway.

[airlock]

so I made a tier list ranking the Fire Emblem lords based on the socioeconomic status of their upbringing!

I did this so I could aggresively point at Ike not being at the bottom of the list.

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread

Star Eater

fantasy world under religious rule by an order of nuns who practice ritualistic cannibalism to gain magic

one young Sister who’s plagued by visions wants to get out, and ends up caught in the complex politics between factions vying for power and the revolution wanting to get rid of them

[familyvideostevie]

october twenty-first

day twenty-one: bradley "rooster" bradshaw how does bradley really feel about you? | enemies(not really)-to-lovers, miscommunication, fem!reader, fluff | 2.3k

Bradley Bradshaw doesn’t like you very much and you don’t know why.

At least that’s what you’ve decided. He’s perfectly nice, never rude or cruel. But he’s…different with you. Quieter, doesn’t touch you, even casually, if he can help it. He’ll talk to you if you’re next to each other but he doesn’t flirt with you like you see him do with pretty much everyone else.

It’s a shame because he really is so handsome and you thought maybe he’d be interested and you know you have a little crush on him anyway, which doesn’t help. Every time you see him you think maybe this time you’ll get him to laugh or he’ll put his hand on your back.

It goes on for months. If anything it feels like he’s pulling away more and more.

And then weird things start happening.

The first one isn’t that weird. You’re at the Hard Deck before it’s busy, sitting at the bar and reading. Rooster and Phoenix are here already and whispering furiously by the pool tables, so you wave at them and leave them to it. Whatever it is looks intense.

Penny tells you she’s got to replace a keg and she’ll be right back. That’s when some guy decide to sit…right next to you. Even though the entire bar is open.

“Hi,” he says. You don’t look up from your book.

“Hello,” you say. His voice sounds a little familiar.

“We’ve met before.” That gets your attention. Oh, yeah. It’s one of the aviators who is around sometimes. Too bad you don’t remember his name.

You give him a small smile. “Well, hello again, then.” If he’s buddies with everyone else you don’t want to offend him, but you really don’t want to talk to him. You’re not Navy, after all, and sometimes you feel like your place here is tenuous, even if they like you a lot. You’re always a little bit on the outside. Sometimes you think that’s why Bradley doesn’t like you.

“Can I get you a drink?”

You’re sipping a soda. “No, I’m okay.” He shifts a little closer. God, you really don’t want to make a mess of this but you will if you have to.

“Come on,” he says. “You got a boyfriend or something?”

Okay, like that matters. You’re about to tell him so when someone puts a hand on your shoulder. It’s a light touch but it startles you a bit.

“You okay?” You turn on your stool and it’s…Bradley?

All you can do is blink. Where did he come from? And he’s touching you? And looking at you with…concern?

“Oh, sorry, Rooster,” pushy guy says. He quickly stands and backs up with a salute. “Didn’t know she was your girl.”

Bradley doesn’t even look at him, though he releases your shoulder. His brow is furrowed and he’s on the verge of a frown. Your surprise fades to embarrassment and a bit of frustration. You were going to handle it. He doesn’t have to come to your rescue and let that guy think you’re together when you’re clearly not. He doesn’t even like you!

“Sorry,” you say, though you’re not sure why. “I was going to tell him to go away.”

He nods once, a jerk of his chin, and steps away from you. “Yeah, no, I’m sure you were.” He rubs the back of his neck and you do not watch his bicep flex. “I was just getting a beer. Figured I’d check.”

Penny returns and pulls Rooster a pint.

“Cool.” Cool? Really? That’s all you can say to him? “Thanks, though.”

He brushes your apology off with the flick of his hand in the air. The long line of his body is tense, for some reason. “No need. You had it handled. Just, right place right time, I guess.” He glances at you and you look away quickly. “Sorry he thought we were together, though.”

Your heart cracks just a little bit. God, you need to get over him. “Yeah,” you say, trying your best to smile.

The second weird thing that happens genuinely confuses you.

This weird beef Bradley has with you goes mostly unnoticed by everyone else. Or as least you think so. No one brings it up and so you just figure they’ve seen him like this with a girl who he doesn’t like much before. You try your best to control your crush but you’re sure Nat has noticed you mooning over him.

You’re thinking about the whole thing as you wait for the bus after work. You wait, and wait, and wait. Usually it’s reliable, enough so that you take it to and from work every day. But today it just does not come. You’re getting cold and you’re hungry and the sun is almost down and you don’t know how you’re going to get home.

You text Nat.

you: bus stopped running??? can you pick me up?

The reply bubble pops up and then goes away. She’s typing and then…not.

nat: on manual review tonight. let me ask around

Fuck. Maybe Hangman will? You like him, his easy accent and sweet flirting. Or Fanboy, maybe, though he’s kind of a wild driver. They’ll figure out some way to help you, right?

nat: rooster is on his way

Rooster? Oh god. Great. The last thing you want to do right now is sit in a car with a guy who does not like you.

His Bronco pulls up not long after that. So quickly, actually, that he must have been speeding to get here. You haul yourself into the passenger seat.

“You okay?” he says immedietly. “It’s cold out.” He turns on the seat heater and reaches over to angle the vents to you. Your traitorous heart picks up at his closeness.

“I’m fine,” you say quickly. “Um, thanks for coming to get me.”

“I should be thanking you,” he says, smirking. You don’t think you’ve seen him make that expression because of you before. “I got out of the most boring training tonight for this.”

What? You thought he was free, on his way home anyway. You’re making him miss work? Did Nat tell him he had to come get you?

“I didn’t realize you had to skip to come get me.” His smirk falls, his serious Bradley face back in place.

“Well, I wasn’t going to let you freeze out here.”

Okay then.

You give him directions to your apartment. “Liking your place alright?” he asks. Wow, who is this guy?

“It’s okay,” you say slowly. He looks at you for a second before turning back to the road as if to tell you he’s listening. “It’s a little bare. I’m trying to decorate it for fall but I don’t know what’ll look best. I really think I just need to buy some flowers for my kitchen table. It looks so sad without anything alive in there.”

He hums. “I always kill plants,” he offers. “Water them too much.”

“I’d have thought the opposite,” you joke. “You being so busy, and all.”

He shrugs. “Overcompensating, I guess.”

Huh. Did you just learn a little something about him?

Bradley pulls in front of your place. “This the right one?”

You nod. “Yeah, I’m the door at the top.” You point to the unit on the third floor before realizing there’s no way he cares. “Thanks, Bradley.”

He…almost smiles at you. You hop out of the car and expect him to drive away but he waits at the curb until you climb the stairs and unlock your door. You wave down at him and think you see him raise his hand in return before driving away.

God, you’re never going to get over this crush.

And then the unthinkable happens.

Three days later there’s a knock on your door.

You have the day off so you’re cleaning house in your laundry day clothes. When you open the door you think you’re dreaming.

“Bradley?”

There he stands. With a bouquet in his hands.

“Hi,” he says. If you had to say you’d guess he’s nervous right now. “I was in the neighborhood and I saw these at the shop down the road and I remembered what you said about your table needing flowers?”

He looks so handsome and you are so confused.

“But…you don’t like me,” you blurt out. Not a good leading line.

Now he looks confused. He jerks back like you’ve hit him. “I— what?”

Is he pranking you? Does he feel bad for you? He never flirts with you! You’ve been content to let your crush die a slow, slow death.

“You’re not the same around me!” you continue. “You don’t touch me or joke with me or anything. You…you don’t like me! And I don’t know why!”

This is the most emotion you’ve ever shown him and he looks shocked as hell.

“I— oh god,” he says. “Can I — can I explain myself? Please?”

You don’t budge from the doorway but don’t stop him. Because you don’t know what the fuck is going on.

“I’ve been fucking this up,” Bradley say. He pulls a hand down his face, looking agitated. “Phoenix told me that I needed to chill out around you. That day at the bar?”

So that’s what they’d been arguing about. You.

“I didn’t realize I was so obvious about it,” he stresses. “I don’t know how to explain it but —”

“Do you not respect me?” you interrupt. “Because I’m not like the rest of you guys? I’m just some girl you’re friends with?”

Bradley looks even more upset than before. “No,” he says, harshly. “No, that’s not it.” He sighs. “Look, I know you’re not a Navy girl. You don’t know what it’s like, how hard it can be to be with someone who does what I do. We go away and can’t say where, not to mention how dangerous the day-to-day is —”

Wait, why is he talking about being with him? Does he want to date you?

“So you treat me like a bothersome acquaintance because you…don’t think I can handle dating you?”

His mouth hangs open. “When you say it like that it sounds really fucked up.”

“Yeah, it does.”

He takes a big breath. “I know I’ve messed this up really bad. It’s a me thing. I get so…scared when I really like someone, especially someone who might decide that all of my shit isn’t worth it. So, I just…push them away.”

“What does that have to do with me?”

Bradley looks at you with eyes so soft, an expression so raw, that you wrap your arms around yourself. He says your name like it’s a precious thing. “I like you so much,” he says. “God, I like you so much.”

Oh. Your stupid, stupid heart pangs, picks up speed. He likes you. Bradley likes you.

“I thought I was showing my hand,” he says. “Constantly. Coming between you and that guy at the bar because it made my skin crawl to see him talking to you. I came to get you that day because I couldn’t stand the thought of you alone at the bus stop in the dark and wouldn’t let the other guys get you home safe. And these —” He looks at the flowers in his hand. “I was on my way here with them before I could even think about how you’d take it.”

You gently take the bouquet from his hand and walk into your place. He follows, hesitating on the threshold before closing the door behind him.

“You need to work on your game, Bradley,” you tell him. The bouquet really is nice — fall colors and some of your favorites, though you’re sure that’s guesswork on his part. “You’re really good at confusing the hell out of a girl.”

“I know,” he says. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

What now? You don’t really know where to go from here. “You know,” you start, watching him fidget in your kitchen. “I had a crush on you when we first met. Did you know that?”

He shakes his head. He looks sad.

“I’d never met someone with eyes like yours. Kind, curious, soft, and brave all at the same time. I thought you were so handsome. And you’re so nice, even if I thought you didn’t like me that much.”

“You’re killin’ me,” he says. “If you want me to leave you alone, I swear I will. I swear. Just say so.”

Instead, you reach for one of his hands. His breath hitches as you hold one big, callused palm in both of yours.

“You never touch me,” you say softly. “You touch everyone else all the time. I thought you were allergic to me, or something.”

“I’ll touch you whenever you want,” he says earnestly. It’s a flirty thing to say, almost filthy, but neither of you take it there.

Maybe you should tell him to fuck off. Maybe that would be better in the long run to avoid guys like him altogether. He hasn’t treated you the way you should be treated by a friend, nevertheless someone who is interested in you.

But.

You know that Bradley Bradshaw is good. And you want to give him the chance to be good to you.

“How about a date first?” you say lightly. He wraps his fingers around your hand.

“Yes,” he says quickly. “Yes, please.”

“And…” You pause. This is a bit embarrassing, but apparantly he’s totally gone for you, so. “Can I have a hug?”

“Please.” Bradley envelops you in his arms and holds you close. He smells like laundry detergent and oil. You breathe him in over and over. His shoulders seem to creep down from his ears like he’s releasing a mountain of stress.

“I like you so much, too,” you say into his shoulder.

He gives you a gentle squeeze. “So I didn’t fuck it up too bad?”

“No, but it was close.” He chuckles in your ear and continues to hold you.

thank you for reading <3 reblog, send feedback, general masterlist here! promptober masterlist, find all fics under #fvspromptober23

[dhmis-autism]

ok fine ill talk about the storyboards. since everyone else is doing it 9v9 )! anyways all my observations are very duck centric sorry (i am not.).

ANYWAYS BABY BOY I LOVE YOOOU and I love that hes got all these fun little movements and motions in the script!

I love that it seems like he's always moving lol. I think its cute + makes me feel better about making him so animated in my fanworks.

IDK if it just didnt get across in the final version of the show, or if his lil movements did wind up getting cut, but either way its nice to see things so clearly. ANYWAYS ALSO AS WELL.....

This line on top of being VERY CUTE

made me perk up because it reminded me of THIS bit of concept art for his window in Transport!

So add that to the list of things on the cutting room floor: Duck's weird button fixation! Or dont. This is tenuous evidence at best.

Anyways! Fun! I love BTS stuff from this show so much!! ✌😊

[yangsharperavery]

not to be a downer or doomssaver, but i'm pretty convinced sydney is going to have a health scare and here's why...

the opening and closing shots of s2 are very distinct and purposeful.

marcus sitting bedside with his ill/dying mother vs. a close shot of sydney (who also lost her mother) looking at her retreating father after arguably the biggest night in her professional career thus far.

(and just after throwing up behind a dumpster)

those are SO different than the opening and closing shots of the first season.

both of these shots have little to do with the bear and almost NOTHING to do with carmy/the berzatto's, the main protagonist and central focus of the show.

i think season 3 is ushering in a deft exploration and narrative voice shift toward sydney and her character in general.

part of that will be some type of health something, doesn't have to be lupus, but it's something.

because narratively it seamlessly sets up a ton of story to tell and puts a lot of already burgeoning tension between carmy and sydney on full blast.

like turns the burner under their dynamic all the way up. high heat.

carmy envisioning her during that panic attack actually acts as an indelible storytelling device moving forward.

him grappling with what that means, combined with the complete and total fuckup of him missing the entire night by his own negligence and error.

especially if any inciting incidents happen regarding her health in the midst of/after any growing issues/fights they're bound to have as a result of the latter half of s2.

it layers the professional and the personal where lines are so clearly already blurred and tenuous.

but honestly the biggest tell/foreshadow that convinced me of this is her damn medicine cabinet.

set design is SO precise and intentional for a show like this.

(think of all those notes around the office for carmy)

there's no way she would have 3-4 entire shelfs filled to the BRIM with prescription bottles if she hasn't had some sort of health issue(s) that could be reoccurring, chronic or autoimmune.

i also mentioned before that claire working at the hospital isn't an accident. neither is the fact that natalie is pregnant and will be going to the hospital/doctor for obvious various reasons in the next 3 months of the show.

i could see sydney trying to keep whatever is happening with her from everyone and it slips out via claire or nat.

anyway, carmy is already a fucking basketcase when it comes to sydney in general or when he can tell she's upset with him.

carmy when sydney is ill/not feeling well is gonna be a whole other creature entirely.

[hashimasims]

The season is just about to change to Winter. The day before Harvestfest Kanaloa asks her to join him for a walk through Myshuno Meadows. The two of them walk in amicable silence just enjoying the scenery until they make it back to the entrance of the park and Kana pulls her under the remaining blossoms of the Cherry Tree. She does not like where this is going.

Kanaloa: Elucea, I . . . Elucea: No Kana, the answer is no. Kanaloa: But you don't even know what I was going to say Elucea: The romantic walk, the trying for a nice back drop with the remaining blossoms, this has proposal written all over it Kanaloa: Well it is an proposal of sorts. But you're still engaged to the other, Taehyung if I remember correctly, so no I was not about to propose marriage. Speaking of, have you heard from him yet? Elucea: No he still hasn't answered any of my messages or answered my calls. One time his phone answered, maybe it was in his pocket, and the only thing I could hear sounded like muffled screaming like he was watching a horror movie. Sounded like someone was trying to say something through a gag maybe and then the line went dead. He and I have watched a few scary movies together and it didn't sound like anything I'd ever watched with him before, not that it matters anyway.

Elucea retreats into herself for a moment, eyes glazed over wondering if something may have happened to Taehyung and those sounds were coming from him and she was meant to hear them. Taehyung had once told her he could feel her emotions through the bond, though muted because she hadn't accepted it fully yet. Would the Bond, no matter how tenuous, tell her if something horrible was happening to him at this moment? Would it tell her if he was dead? She accepted him and what they were together but hadn't fully accepted being tied to just one man, she had far too much love to give and wanted to feel the extra love and affection she was denied throughout her childhood. This she had surmised was part of the reason she was Poly, and also why she had accepted the advances of an adult as a teenager. Kana clearing his throat brought her back to the present. He knew where she went when she became distant, even if only for a moment, and tried not to pull her back before she was ready. But this was important so he felt he had to bring her back to this present moment and out of the pit of worry that so often tried to claim her.

Elucea: So . . . if you're not proposing marriage, what are you proposing? Kanaloa pulls out a small key trying to hand it to her Kanaloa: I would like for you to move in with me, into my apartment in Evergreen Harbor. Elucea: I'm sorry Kana I can't my fur babies Kanaloa: Zuma and Whisper might enjoy it out there. I can take them for a jog with me every morning, there's a new park we can take them to to make some furry friends, maybe you could quit your job and stay home for a while? I know you got the island is thriving notification so that means you're done fixing it right? I don't know how I feel being around cats but I'm sure I'd grow to love them. Elucea: I appreciate the offer Kana I do but forcing all of us into a tiny apartment might not be the best idea. Kelly and Frankie are constantly going at it but at least at home they have the whole island to get away from each other. Look, how about this, here's the spare key to my place. I'm not asking you to move in but for now you can come and go as you please and we can give living together a trial run this way. Kanaloa: Ok El I can compromise. Anything for you.

Beginning|Previous|Next

[liketolaugh-writes]

I know I've talked about this before, but God, I'm never going to stop resenting the hold that Harry Potter has on me.

As an autistic person, special interests never really leave you, and that's more true for longer-standing ones. I really can't explain how all-consuming they are, how much time and energy and love you pour into them, how much joy and comfort you get from them. I'm kind of between special interests right now, after finishing both Constellations and Blue Food Project, and it's unsettling. Makes me restless, leaves a lot of time in my day. (Time I can use to look for jobs! Positives.)

Anyway. Harry Potter was definitely my longest-standing special interest to date. It was my SI through most of elementary school, and given the choice, I would do nothing except reread them, over and over and over and over again. My parents had to institute a rule where every time I finished the series, I had to wait a certain amount of time before I read it again, and I always did as soon as the time was up. There are parts of it, useless stupid lines, that I can still recite from memory. ("And he was even brave enough to nibble the end off a funny gray one that turned out to be pepper" has always been my favorite example.) I don't engage much with the Harry Potter fandom, because it's a mutant factioned thing that kind of scares me, but the story stays with me nonetheless.

Like many other fans, this letter broke my heart; I'm sure you know the one even without clicking the link. She's only gotten worse since then (every so often I still look at her Twitter account and mourn) but this was the beginning of the end. Most authors, I can forgive their transgressions; I can trust that they've grown, I can accept that their work is flawed, and I can enjoy what I read despite that.

Every since that letter, and plenty of the subsequent scandals besides, I've been unable to do that. I read any part of Harry Potter and I can see nothing but flaws. I see sexism, and ableism, and cultural appropriation and colonialism and hypocrisy. I think, why are there so many crowds of tittering girls? and why does everyone hate Fleur seemingly just for being French and pretty? and why did she design the Slug Club without any acknowledgement of 'this is literally how to break into a career field?' There is nothing there for me but frustration and hurt.

I've seen people in the trans community complain about cis folk asking if they can 'still enjoy' Harry Potter, which I understand. (I consider myself nonbinary, but my gender identity is so unimportant to me that I still consider my place in that community tenuous.) But this isn't that. This is frustration. Harry Potter was carved into me years ago, and I can't seem to dig it out, and I have yet to decide what to do with that.

But the story stays with me. The memory of it is inescapable. I don't even really need to reread the books to write fanfics, most of the time; I know every plot point by heart. How could I not? And every unanswered question, every point of shoddy worldbuilding that drives me nuts about that world - I can fix those. I do it all the time in other fandoms. It's really not that hard to create the answers to the plot holes that bother you.

Most of the Harry Potter fics I write are crossovers - Harry Potter goes well with just about any world, kind of like Avengers does. But there's one I've been playing with that bugs me in a special way.

I mentioned finishing 'Constellations,' my two part series where Percy Jackson goes to therapy for everything he goes through in the PJO and HoO books. That was a love letter to Percy Jackson, to Rick Riordan's writing. Like any writer, he has his flaws and weak points, but I love it nonetheless, every part of it. I wrote it with the intent to supplement and highlight canon for everything I love about it.

Now, I find myself writing a similar fic for Harry Potter, with Harry Potter going through therapy. It's in the beginning stages yet (such stories are obviously difficult) but it's such a fascinating topic that I can't shake it. What happens when a survivor of such vicious neglect suddenly is accused of seeking attention at every turn? How can someone so victimized by the Ministry come to trust them enough to work as an Auror? Did Dumbledore truly understand what he subjected Harry to with the Dursleys?

But with Constellations, I had respect for Riordan's writing that I don't have for Rowling's. Such a story would come from a completely different place. And that's fascinating, too. It's just complicated.

I'm not going anywhere with this, I guess. It's just- frustrating, to so thoroughly resent a story and a cast that I also love so much.

[thevampiremars]

My thoughts on the trans rep in "The Star Beast"

This episode is haunted by the spectre of Good Representation™. Representation is a topic too expansive and nuanced for me to interrogate fully, so I'll just say I'm sceptical of the approach and the way it reduces trans (or otherwise marginalised) characters to plot points or blandly by-the-book portrayals. Also the idea that any single character can accurately represent an entire demographic is tenuous. Anyway.

Throughout the episode there's a huge focus on how beautiful Rose is, which is... I mean, I'd hardly be the first person to point out how Weird people (cis people especially) can get about how trans people look. And I get that this is probably a deliberate attempt to counter transphobia, to stress that trans people are cherished and deserve the world. It is a sweet sentiment I suppose, but it can come across as a bit... insincere? patronising? fetishistic, even? You have to recognise that correlating a person's worth with how beautiful you think they are is problematic in and of itself.

I actually really like the scene where Sylvia is stumbling on pronouns and worrying about whether or not it's okay to call Rose gorgeous. It's cute. It's genuine. I wasn't sure about the boys on bikes scene that preceded it – I thought deadnaming Rose was a clumsy way to establish that she's trans – but I've watched the episode again and my opinion has softened. I think it works well to have the malicious misgendering side-by-side with the accidental misgendering, showing that, yes, there is a difference. I know this already, but cis people who get confused about terminology and etiquette might benefit from watching this.

Speaking of pronouns... haha. Yeah, I did not like the "are you assuming he as a pronoun?" "my chosen pronoun is the definite article" exchange. Very awkward and nonsensical. It could have worked with some tweaking, but as it stands it feels more like a transphobic joke than actual dialogue. Ditto "male-presenting Time Lord."

Side note: why are some people so thrown off by the Doctor's gender? It's really not that complicated. The Doctor's pronouns vary depending on whether we're talking about an individual incarnation or the Doctor as a whole, encompassing all incarnations. If we're talking about a specific Doctor, they've all been he/him so far except for the Thirteenth and Fugitive Doctor (both she/her). If we're referring to all Doctors as one entity, it makes sense to use they/them since they're not consistently one gender or another. The Doctor is technically nonbinary I guess but only because they have the ability to regenerate into any gender. They're genderfluid only if you squint.

ANYWAY.

Is Rose nonbinary? Again, the "binary, binary, nonbinary" line just felt like a joke. Plus it doesn't make a lot of sense as a plot point/reveal. Rose's gender shouldn't actually be relevant because what's important for the meta-crisis thing is that she's Donna's offspring. There's also the fact that Rose had been presented as a trans girl until that point – no indication that she's nonbinary. Yes, it is possible to be a nonbinary girl, but it seems more likely to me that RTD just thinks nonbinary and trans are synonymous. Which is not the case.

The thing is, as I've alluded to already, Rose is an example of trans rep written by cis people for cis people. RTD's heart is in the right place, for sure, but he doesn't really know what he's talking about. I would say I appreciate the effort? But I don't know what the effort was in aid of exactly. I suppose it's nice for cis people to be told it's okay to stumble on pronouns sometimes, and to be shown that transness isn't a horrible and scary thing. I dunno. It's frustrating that trans people in life and in fiction have to educate and inspire and reassure cis people all the time... but we live in a society, don't we? And I'm sure there will be plenty of young trans people thrilled to see someone like them on TV, even if the execution could have been better.

[siennadraws]

I actually couldn't resist writing this up right now. Talking about it on @mogwaei 's post just made my mind run.

But I'm thinking about Solas' childhood (or my headcanon).

Even though I'm pretty certain the distinction between a spirit and an elf were tenuous in the times before the Veil, I like to imagine Solas wasn't a Spirit. Or was born of flesh.

Mostly because I think his care and love for Spirits would just be more endearing and poignant if it was a bit more complex than "he cares about them because he is them".

(also, in line with my personal retcon that the Creators were worshipped way before the Evanuris could take their names. during these times there was a bigger worship of the Sun and Earth (as the Father and Mother, instead of Elgar'nan and Mythal)

I imagine, before Elvhenan was an empire, there was a village, (far from important to whoever could bother them), hidden by a millennia old forest. Right by where Solas told Leliana he was from.

And there lived a family. Maybe not large, by immortal standards, but definitely large by ours. The parents had many children, raised together- fourteen of them. Then they let them grow, perhaps a bit tired of rocking babes to sleep.

But as the last one learned their trade and married, the parents grew lonely. And a want for seeing a life grow, caring for it in all its wonders and strifes, was kindled again.

A fifteenth elf was born to them. Right away the baby was surprisingly curious, with violet eyes always seeking something, mouth trying to wrap itself around questions.

It wasn't strange that spirits would help the raising of a child. Children feel everything so strongly, it's only natural they'd attract them. And it takes a village to raise a child.

But the little elf's parents were a bit surprised that their babe's most frequent babysitters were the spirits of curiosity (admittedly far from unusual, babies are curious), wisdom and learning, instead of the more usual for the task, love.

And that's how he grew up. By the time he could leave the house, he always sought his elders, asking nonstop questions. It was an endearing sight to outsiders, seeing the one child from the village (when you're an immortal society, children are rare) surrounding themself with the most patient people, elves and spirits alike, who were as enchanted by the child as the child by them.

With such curiosity, came intelligence, and as much wisdom as one can have without experience. The little elf surprised their elders with his questions, and answers that would only lead to more questions.

And even if magic was as natural as breathing, he was especially skilled at that too. He made his parents proud. No wonder that by the time they had decided on a name for him (that wasn't just da'len) he'd be named Solas.

As Solas grew more confident, he decided that if he was going to truly learn as much as he needed, he would need to venture into the ancient forest. Deep within would live Spirits as ancient as those roots.

So he would, without any ceremony, leave his home, with a few rations, to sink into the forest.

The first time, panic erupted on the village. Spirits that knew what Solas was doing tried to quell it, but only when he returned, brought by the ear by a hunter, did his parents along with everyone, relax. Not without some good scoldings. Of course.

But none of that would stop Pride. Obviously. And what were they expecting of him, anyway?

So he kept going. Each time wiser with what he brought along, learning to sustain himself with what the Mother gave him.

And he did find new Spirits. He would spend days talking to them. And when he returned home, they would find each other in dreams.

Each time he returned, he would see them again, sometimes the spirits brought friends along, but always he found more.

By the time he was a mature elf, he had wells of knowledge dripping from him. But, as we know, he was also hot-blooded and cocky, always ready to start an fight (despite his closest friend, Wisdom).

His family and elders did try to calm him down, but some of his siblings (and some of the villagers) enjoyed how he broke the quiet.

In the end, only a war breaking out, and all the horrors it brought along, could calm him down.

[amuseoffyre]

Time for round 2 of my look back on Stede's S1 clothes with the new layers added by S2.

This will probably entirely be focused on episode 4, because there's a heck of a lot of stuff going on here, what with the flashbacks and everything.

I've done previous posts about a lot of his outfits in Bridgetown that make him blend in with the backgrounds, but I also want to take a look at them in the context of who he was and the people around him.

First we have the carriage suit, when he's basically being sold off in marriage for a land-contract.

Compared to his father's austere black outfit, Stede's outfit is very, very dramatically different with the patterns. But specifically, it is the colour and pattern of the interior of the carriage. Like the carriage, he is a commodity, an object to be used and disposed with as Dad Bonnet sees fit.

Also I love that they put Stede and Mary in opposite colour palettes from the word go: she's in light clothes while his are mostly dark; he's sitting on a pale seat with a darker background while she's sitting on a dark seat with a pale one. A set up for contrast and contradiction.

Next we cut to the wedding flashback and Stede's still in the same cut and style of coat, but like Mary has an extra froth of lace on his cravat. It's a wedding. Gots to be special. (And again, the blue/white froth combo when he's near the sea)

The colour of the coat is fascinating. Reds, browns and grey with that splash of teal in there. It's not a colour we see Stede in much, but significantly, across both seasons red in a fabric becomes the symbol of love. Here it's subdued and dulled down by stronger colours, which makes sense when he's a man who wanted to marry for love. No place for all-out red here.

When we jump forward several years, the clothes are telling more of a story. Stede is in blue-toned (sea) clothing when we know he's already well on his way to planning his ship, while Mary is dressed in earthy tones (land) with flowers.

They're in contrasting colours again. There's no scene where they're together that they ever actually match their clothing. Even in the family painting from episode 1, Stede is in his blue tones while Mary and the children are in warm yellows and browns.

But - adorably - when Stede is playing with the kids, they're wearing shades of blues and greens like he was, a sign that he did have some connection with them, even as tenuous as it was.

And look at that scale motif on his waistcoat :D Someone had mermish aspirations.

On we go and to the wedding anniversary gifts and what I love about this outfit is that this is the very, very first time we see all Stede's outfit turn towards the warmer end of the spectrum.

He's had his ship built and he's about to tell his wife about it and this is the closest he's come to matching her right before he tells her this fab thing he's done for the whole family, including her. His waistcoat is nearly identical in colour to her dress.

The fact that he dons her colour and it's the same colour as his battle jacket? Interesting, no? Which also happens to be the colour of cowardice and fear. And yet ironically, also hope and warmth. It's a fine, fine line.

And then we have the nightshirt with the golden waves embroidered on it. Sir, your yearning is strong.

Oh and to get back on the yellow horse, our man ran away without telling one while wearing a yellow outfit. That really is his colour coded towards being afraid but Doing the Thing anyway.

And now, we're back to the present and Stede is once more in his bed nook in his yellow battle jacket, lamenting what a terrible pirate he is. Second time in 4 episodes. Well done, sir. Your emoting Jacket is working.

And I just had to take a moment to go and cackle into a cushion when I was capping the next moment, because Stede's next outfit is comprised of what I like to call the Slutty Red Breeches of Lurve.

Because he went into his closet with this man who showed a keenness for fingering fine fabrics and especially asked about silk. So what does our man Stede do? Grabs a pair of silk breeches in the canonically confirmed colour of love and holds them right in front of his crotch with a beaming, optimistic smile on his face :D

And the very very next frigging scene starts with Blackbeard's head level in the shot with Stede's red-clad crotch. I mean. I JUST. I'M THINKING THINGS.

But digressing. Yes. Stede does in fact have Pants of Lurve. And more significantly, he lets Ed get into his pants within an hour of meeting him 🤣

Also significantly Stede keeping his collar open is new. He's had it open before after being locked up or having his shirt shredded, but he's being a little saucy and wearing a gaping nearly translucent shirt with no waistcoat. Positively a harlot XD Combine that with the red "come touch my silk" breeches, he is flirting with his clothes, even if he doesn't realise it.

And last but not least, we have Stede's final outfit of the episode:

What I love the most about this is that it's clear he's absolutely comfy in those clothes. Right now, he looks so out of place in it, because we've only seen him presenting himself the way he thinks he has to present himself.

Yes, he likes his silks and frills and fripperies, but knowing that down the line, he gets leather trousers of his own, he's not limiting himself to what he thinks he should wear's meant to wear to fit in. He's a man who wears what he wants and likes, regardless of whether he "should" :)

Episode 1 - 3 / Episodes 5-6

[sanerontheinside]

Look, Goncharov is an excellent movie. It has the sense of inevitability about it, of ever-encroaching tragedy. Its execution of both the suspense and the despair, the mounting fear of what you knew was coming all along—it’s staggering, the perfection of it.

But at the same time, this isn’t a Scorsese, not truly. It’s a Matteo JWHJ 0715. It is, in some ways, a little hamfisted in its execution, and I would argue the American audience is not wrong to analyze it in terms of very American themes. They are! Hollywood movies set the tone for much around the world, from fashion to storytelling in a media as globalized as film.

And as I’ve said, I do love this movie. I love it even for its anachronistic quirks—many of them deliberate and thought-through stylistic choices. I think the fact that goncharov’s primary activities are moving drugs and guns are one of these stylistic departures. Guns and drugs are easy to understand; goncharov is the bad guy, the antihero we’re meant to sympathize with. Certainly, he makes for a rather charming and impressive bastard.

But I think the movie, this particular script rather misses out on the poignancy of the alternative: that goncharov likely wasn’t dealing drugs and weapons, at least not at the beginning. Truth is, you could make an unimaginable amount of money just by smuggling ordinary European goods across the Iron Curtain.

Painfully ordinary. Shoes and coats and and dresses and suits, like all those pretty things that Katya wears. Turntables. Jeans! Plain old dishware. Sure, maybe eventually goncharov didn’t have much of a choice and got into the hard stuff

(this would actually serve the narrative—Goncharov stepping clear over his own lines in the sand, over and over again until he no longer recognizes who he is—perfection)

(anyway)

but you see, the Soviet Union didn’t have a whole variety in production, nor even necessarily great quality of it. There was no (legal) access to imported goods. I’ve already seen mention of the bootleg copy of the film that became a cult classic in the USSR itself (and probably inspired generations of bratva in years to come 🙄) but I wonder if it simply didn’t occur to anyone to consider that the Soviet bloc had largely isolated itself after WWII, and with a struggling economy, with creakily functioning infrastructure, did its best to achieve the impossible and pull itself ‘up by its bootstraps’.

So just think about it: almost every item that Katya owns is like those pretty gowns and crystal shoes in old fairytales; the moment she steps out of this magical realm—the moment the scales fall from her eyes—all of it will begin to melt away into nothing. She would never have had anything like it, were she not married to Goncharov. And he gave her the keys to this magical kingdom, didn’t he? Her Prince, who in the end is not a prince at all, not a fairytale. The illusion, the glamour falls away from him as well.

And then there is Sofia. Sofia, for whom all these clothes and shoes and jewels are very real. All right, sure—Sofia’s backstory tells us she lucked into this world, and in some sense it is also a sort of fairytale space for her. But the thing is, Katya’s grasp on it is far more tenuous. Sofia is nowhere near as richly dressed as Katya, but when everything goes to pot Sofia will still have something of her own, hard-won with sacrifice.

Katya will not. And how unfair is that: Katya is her own woman, she survives her husband’s world and makes her own way, only to be left with nothing if the worst should happen.

[wrenramblings]

girlhood

a poem about growing up under the patriarchy and how…weirdly saccharine and subtle it feels. for a while, anyway. thank you for reading I love you

Before he was a boy he was a child, but she had always been a girl.

She learned it like language, her side of the line— there was no linear study, no moment it clicked, no conscious separation of consonant and vowel.

Like language she was immersed and floating from her first inhale, from her first sound.

She hadn’t the words to describe it then: all stuff of life was hunger and satiation and pain, so yes let’s call it hunger.

They look at her and they are hungry.

For what, she doesn’t know but she is stronger than her cousins (boys, or more precisely, children) and that she knows well.

She has wrestled them to the ground and she has quelled their crying more times than she can count,

but in the world of pretend where she is free to fly if she dreams it, she assumes the role of the damsel without prompt.

Watches her cousins sword-fight from cardboard castle windows and to the grown-ups, those rough and rowdy children are small athletes,

but she is a girl, so when vintage dolls are excavated from the basement they are excavated for her, and to her own resentment she knows exactly how to play.

She plays differently when the grown-ups are around.

At her great-grandmother’s funeral, her cousins (boys, or more precisely, children) are dressed in suits unbecoming of youth and they sit in church quietly learning to grieve.

At her great-grandmother’s funeral, her mother teaches her that girls in dresses must cross their legs while sitting

and she says, they’re doing it! pointing to her cousins but mom says they are allowed to spread their legs because they are boys,

and people are always trying to get her to slow dance.

She does not want her grandfather to teach her how to slow dance,

not after he taught her cousins (boys, or more precisely, children) how to drive his little boat through the shimmering chop.

She rode in the back that day pink life vest sun beating down and waited her turn, for she is a girl and she has never been a child, so surely—

but her turn never comes,

she does not learn to drive a boat, she is not invited on the long hikes, she is not taught to play ping-pong, or foosball, or pool, she is not privy to conversations about sports and politics.

By the time she realizes there is a door, it is already closed.

Locks hands with a friend on the playground, innocent as spring, and a group of boys (or more precisely, children) tail her endlessly making smooching noises embarrassing her for a love she doesn’t feel,

and when she does fall in love, early schoolyard love, he tells her girls shouldn’t jump off rocks and she falls instantly out of it.

Sentiments repeated as she ages, do you have a boyfriend yet? such a pretty girl, just like the ones I dated in college— substantial though, not a small thing, are you?

Her cousins are asked polite questions about school and work.

She comes of age and what most strikes her is that there is no difference between girlhood and womanhood, no fucking difference at all—

gender, sexuality, etiquette, even the soft, tenuous topic of her young body:

they have been on the table from the very beginning, from her first inhale, from her first sound, exhibited like a rosy-hued feast.

They look at her and they are hungry.

She emerged one night, long ago, in pajamas so neon pink they burned with sunset-fire, and she was proud enough to hold her head high.

Her grandfather laughed and said, girl, they’ll see you coming from a mile away.

[euko-going-insane]

Thinking Many Thoughts about your Family Tree but mostly the brocedes stuff lmk if ur vibing with this little Non Racing AU i just came up with

George was their first when they were way way young didn’t really know what they were doing and george was already like 8 or 9

Kimi was the “marriage saver” they had through surrogate, the mother died in childbirth so to honor her Kimi has her last name

George was a teenager with his own life/plans when Kimi was born, he didn’t really care and knew his parents marriage was essentially over already despite them insisting it wasn’t

Messy battle in court but Nico wins custody of Kimi and while Lewis gets George

, George chooses emancipation and spends senior year with Alex’s family, citing that his trust in his dads was ruined after so many empty promises of fixing the relationship and not following through

Later down the line, Lewis is dating again and working on fixing his relationship with george and sends a box of presents to Kimi every christmas

He meets Valterri on a dating site George set him up on

About 4 months into their relationship, valterri admits that he’s fostering a girl named Doriane and that she was a very important element of his life and that if it was a dealbreaker, they should stop now

They don’t.

Valterri, George, and Doriane convince Lewis to reach out to Nico again. Just to talk about Kimi.

After several tenuous meetings, they agree to a new custody arraignment, incorporating holidays and summer vacation into the previous no contact.

Nico moves back to Lewis’s area when Kimi is entering High School. His relationship with Valterri is kinda more of a coparenting situation now, though much more amicable than his and Nico’s

Dory is very protective of Kimi once the two finally start getting to know each other. They’re closer in age than they are to George so it feels like actual siblings

Kimi is shy and awkward and cause he was new he was labeled “weird” at his new high school

Dory asks one of her old teachers (who has Kimi now) to help him get out of his shell

This teacher (whom i am imagining as Max Verstappen) decides the best way to do that is by sitting him next to the Loud Kid

Who is also kinda an outcast, strange and socially awkward, and is Ollie Bearman

He also just so happens to be under the guardianship of his godfather Charles Leclerc

Who is the son of one of Lewis’s exes sebastian from his uni days

(ik in ur tree that’s different but i couldn’t fit it in with The Vision pls forgive)

Anyway the Actual Golden Retriever Ollie Bearman gets Kimi out of his shell

While George—still in the progress of fixing his relationship with Nico—and Alex get engaged and adopt a elementary age Abby Pulling

Who emulates her father in the worst ways possible

Total teachers pet, total know-it-all and totally everything George has ever wanted in a child

However she is a huge nature fan, she jumped out a second story window chasing a cat and once stuck a “kick me” sign on George’s back so she’s every bit Alex as well

Anyway yeah, totally just Came To Me feel free to hate/critique. U know i’m an Ollie girlie so Kimi’s whole vibe is new (hence why all my bearnelli fic are Ollie POV) feel free to give me any commentary

😦

[kurisus]

Chapter 107 thoughts

[downing a bottle of tequila]

Ummm, so this was fun! Not!

Silly goofy me for thinking since we're wrapping up the manga they were out of opportunities to hurt me further. I let my guard down and got bamboozled so that's on me. Well, one last time to let them twist the knife, I suppose.

Soooo after waiting 5 years for Yato and Hiyori to so much as be on the same fucking page together, Father drops in out of nowhere and snaps Hiyori's cord, leaving her to crumple lifelessly on the ground while the Sakura quote about death repeats in the background. This was really so fucking rude to me personally. It's like Adachitoka reached into my greatest fears and decided to make the reunion happen in the way that would cause me specifically the most possible pain. Did they have to put the reminder of the hospital arc there?! I hate it here.

Anyway, while that part made me feel absolutely horrible, I've been talking to a lot of people and we all agree we don't think Hiyori is permadead. A conflict spanning the entire manga wouldn't be resolved in three pages, it would make no sense for either Yato or Hiyori's development to end her life, Father is able to manipulate the appearance of his surroundings but couldn't actually bring back Kaya from the dead, and Hiyori's unusual condition meant no one really knew quite how to fix it or what ripping the cord would entail. The official translation wrote it as "if it gets cut, you're dead" which reads to me like "you're as good as dead" rather than "you will die."

I may just be grasping at straws here, but my guess is that this scare will just be the push Yato needs to finally cut ties with Hiyori, as much as she's helped him out in ways he'll never be able to repay. Perhaps she will be very weak, or my personal guess is comatose, but I don't think that was it. If it was, well...that would be a very sour note to leave the manga on.

Could Yato name Hiyori and make her his shinki? Sure, probably, but that would also be antithetical to the themes of this manga, which are that change is inevitable while not always a bad thing; and relationships between the living and dead, while necessary, are tenuous. I wrote a 100k canon divergence fic about Yato making Hiyori his shinki back in 2016, because I didn't want it to happen in canon then and I don't want it to happen in canon now. Bringing them both over to the far shore wouldn't properly resolve the conflict that drives this manga, the single human involved with the gods and spirits.

Anyway, here's my prediction: Hiyori will be in a coma, Yato will cut her ties while she's asleep, and she'll wake up with only vague memories of their time together. I want to say she'll be able to give a proper goodbye to him and Yukine, but we're also living in the worst timeline so I won't get my hopes too far up.

I admit I didn't pay much attention to the rest of the chapter after that happened, but let's continue: ohhh Yato you wanna kill trash dad soooo badly <3 throttle him with your bare hands before I do <3

Kiun talking about how it's the younger generation's turn to lead makes me a bit more optimistic for the ending. In this sense, heaven's "kill first, ask questions later" attitude is not justified, and the newer shinki will slowly change the minds of the gods, and a more just heaven will emerge.

All the gods seem to be blighted, however. Kofuku and Take are shown holding hands to their necks, and Ebisu, Tenjin, and Arahabaki seem to have a faint cloud arising from that area too. Judging by Take's line following, the shinki seem to be uneasy about their choice to change the status quo, because the world is heading into a new, uncertain time. Kiun doubts his choice as well, since his determination not to kill anyone caused a fellow shinki to die.

"Weak gods will die, while only the strong gods remain, and this world shall witness the advent of gods without mercy" sounds kinda like a cull of heaven aka what Father wants...except in this case I think it refers to the gods who are willing to change and be more just being the ones who survive into this new age.

So, to recap, the status quo is changing, heaven seems to be heading for a marked improvement, as an indirect result of Hiyori's involvement. Thus, her impact will have a lasting, positive effect on their culture, and she'll be able to live her life knowing she made a very big difference in a few people's lives, and a smaller difference in more people's lives. Make it happen.

Small side note: I'm going to be starting a reread of the manga soonish, and since Twitter is going down the toilet I've decided to switch back over to liveblogging on Tumblr. I'm thinking of doing thoughts posts per volume similar to this format, but I'll see how I feel once I actually begin. I'll be tagging everything as #Noragami reread, which will also be my tag for future rereads after it ends! Hope to see you there :]

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I listened to Elis James and John Robins on the Comedian’s Comedian podcast, as I somewhat recently passed the point in their radio show when they recorded it. It was a really good episode, even by the standards of that podcast, which are high. Very little messing around with basic explanations of stuff that we could find on their Wikipedia pages anyway, they jump straight in with analysis.

I cut out a few clips as I was listening. I meant to write a paragraph or so about each of them. I am coming back here after finishing the post to say I ended up writing a lot more than that. This one gets out of hand. It mainly stays on the topic of the podcast episode and the radio show, occasionally veers off into some personal stories of my own, makes tenuous connections between the two. That's what's below the cut that I'm adding because not everyone needs to be subjected to that.

I particularly liked this one, from the very beginning:

First of all, Elis James definitely has met another person who will start a radio episode by sighing and just saying whatever's actually in their mind instead of trying for slick broadcasting. Elis knows him very well, the mother of his children is frequently recording lines to put in that other broadcaster's shows. However, there is the key difference that Daniel Kitson's doing that on an obscure radio station (well, two obscure radio stations as he used to do Triple R in Melbourne, but hasn't for a long time, so I mainly mean Resonance FM in London) that doesn't pay him any money, while John Robins is doing it on a commercial radio station that was presumably a significant source of his income and is definitely the main source of his career success. It's definitely more a risk to try in that context.

Anyway, I'd like to put the above clip next to this one:

I'm now three years into following this radio show/listening to various podcasts and other things they've done alongside it, trying to go mostly in chronological order, and I would say they do this in one form or another approximately every six months. Just explicitly state the status dynamic between them, which is that Elis is more successful but John is funnier, this creates a couple of sources of mild tension that can be funny to listen to and give them something to play into as a double act, but it also balances out enough so their entire relationship isn't going to implode like Jon Richardson and Russell Howard. It's always a bit weird when they actually say that out loud, comedians aren't really supposed to tell us what level of status they've decided to assign themselves/each other for any given moment.

Elis James frequently says John Robins is a better comedian than him, which also a bit weird because it's the sort of thing you'd say as a joke, but he never sounds like he's joking, and it's... I mean, I was going to say it's objectively true, I guess it can't be given how subjective comedy is, but it is pretty clear cut. And it seems to genuinely not bother Elis James, which I used to think was odd, but I guess it makes sense. I've been teammates with people whom I know are better athletes than me, and we can still be friends, and if anyone asks who's better I can be honest about that. It sure would make that easier if I also somehow won more medals than they did (to continue the somewhat stretched analogy of Elis James having more TV work so that balances the scales), though sports tend to be more of a meritocracy than arts so that doesn't really happen.

There's also truth in the thing John said about how one of them has to come up with content for the radio show - they're on the same official footing, co-hosts rather than calling anyone a sidekick or whatever, but the vast majority of the funniest stuff gets said by John, and more than that, John drives most of the discussions. He usually comes in with more features and stuff prepared, he establishes a lot of the running jokes and keeps them going, he's the one who will lead most of their offshoots into weird little sketches and characters. His timing is incredible sometimes, every once in a while he'll have an episode where he's got Lee Mack levels of being able to jump on everything that gets said almost immediately and be funny every time. He seems like he can decide, pretty much based on how he's feeling at the moment but possibly also based on a sense for how much potential something has, whether to wrap up a thread in one incisive sentence or to draw it out. And it's almost always John making that decision (if it isn't the producer telling them to get on with it, that is, but it's rarely Elis' decision). Sometimes I can hear John work out the comedic potential in something they're talking about before Elis does, and Elis will start to move on but John will bring it back and guide him toward it, and eventually manage to push Elis into whatever joke John had figure out would be funny but only if Elis said it.

Having said that, and this is a tangent but discussing whether Elis James is funny just made me think of it, I've been wanting to give him credit for something. At some episode sometime in 2016, Elis James was telling a story about someone he admired, and the story was about something fairly serious, and at the end of it, John asked "Is he a laugh?", which was quite a funny thing to say in the context, it's annoying me that I can't remember the exact story but it was something like that. And it was funny to hear John be so efficiently dismissive of the sort of weird story. But later in the episode, John told one of his stories about one of those vaguely depressing things he does, like obsessively do his taxes four months in advance or drink rum alone at 2 AM and get sad while watching Queen documentaries - one of those types of stories - and at the end of it, Elis asked "Are you a laugh?" And after that, for several months, Elis James brought that back the exactly perfect number of times. I don't know how he did it, how he got it so perfect every time. He didn't drop it for long enough for regular listeners to forget that he'd made this a running joke, so it would lose its power as a callback. But he didn't say it often enough for it to start to get overused and less funny (not that those guys would ever try to milk more from one bit than it should be expected to bear... but of course we're all on email). There is such a small sweet spot, such little room for error in the frequency with which you can bring back a joke and not fall into either of those traps, and he got it perfect every time. Every time he'd said it, I'd have a moment of surprise because he'd left it just barely past the point at which it had been long enough since I'd heard it for it to get really funny again, and every time, I'd take a moment to admire his timing. He kept it going for quite a while, occasionally responding to John's depressing anecdotes from his own life with "Are you a laugh?" So, well done to Elis James, he can be funny too. Also, I mean, obviously he is regularly quite funny on the radio show, just not as funny as John Robins. It's fine, most people aren't as funny as John Robins. I'm not as good at underhook setups as my friend I hung out with the other night, but it's fine, we manage to get on with our lives.

Anyway, that was only very tenuously related to the topic of this post, let me see if I can find my way back. John Robins and Elis James having an odd balance of tensions created by John being funnier but Elis being more successful. I'm not sure that's as true now as it was in early 2014 to early 2017, which covers the period of radio episodes I've heard so far. At that time, Elis had recently had major roles in two sitcoms (Crims and Josh). He'd had one Welsh-language stand-up special released on the BBC and I think was working on recording another one. He'd done some panel show spots, more than John I think. I think he's started on his BBC television travel show with Miles Jupp. He'd gone to Europe to do TV and radio things about the Welsh football team. John Robins, meanwhile, had released the audio from a couple of his stand-up shows himself on Bandcamp, had been on Mock the Week twice and one of those times was a fucking disaster, a couple appearances on As Yet Untitled, and I think he occasionally got on things like The News Quiz but less often than Elis James did. I think he had a pretty good stand-up career going by then, but it hadn't really translated to other stuff. And John complained at times that he didn't get as many reviews and publicity as his stand-up profile deserved, though it's hard to tell if that's true or just his bias. He had a job for a while doing TV warm-up gigs, but then he got fired for what sounds like a combination of drinking too much and being too harsh for the "keep it light" atmosphere. The disparity between his profile and Elis' was probably for two main reasons: 1) Elis has the significant USP of being one of the only comedians who's fluent in the Welsh language so that gets him some stuff, and 2) the reasons outlined in that second audio clip about John having pissed everyone off.

I think their positions are different these days, though. I'm into the March 2017 episodes right now, in a few months John Robins is going to win a Perrier Award, so he can't keep complaining about not having a significant enough stand-up profile after that. That turned into a Netflix special, a significantly bigger deal than Elis' Welsh-language BBC iPlayer special. And then in 2018 he hosts a panel show, which I have downloaded but haven't watched yet, I'll wait until I get there chronologically. To be honest I'm slightly dreading getting there because I have a feeling it might be terrible. I don't think it was hugely successful because I'd never heard of it before I started looking up John Robins things this year, and I went really deep down the panel show rabbit hole in the last few years, I watched some quite obscure ones but never came across this. It also only lasted one season. But still, he hosted a panel show on Dave. That's a TV career.

And now, obviously, he's on Taskmaster. And seems to be playing large rooms in his latest stand-up tour. A tour that I'd assumed would get filmed for another TV special, though he's mentioned recently that he's planning to put it on Bandcamp like his earlier shows, and I do appreciate him keeping it real for us despite now being a Taskmaster star with a huge tour (as much as this shouldn't make sense because there can be visual humour in stand-up, I tend to prefer audio-only stand-up that's usually closer to how it actually sounded in the room, over filmed versions that get more edits). On the other hand, Elis had a TV series about Welsh comedy a few years ago. A podcast with some football players. I've just looked it up and apparently he hosts a football-based TV show on Sky, so that's nice. But the gap in TV-based success has probably closed.

But that discussion they had in that second audio clip - about John Robins not getting stuff because he's (rightly and justifiably) reaping the consequences of being a dick with a substance abuse problem, and Elis James valiantly taking on the role of Robins Apologist - that really nails, for me, what I enjoy so much about their dynamic. I think that my favourite dynamic. I fucking love anywhere where two people get that one going. That dynamic that's summed up by this post htat I remember from ages ago and have somehow just managed to find because Tumblr's terrible search function decided to work for me today:

It was about a year ago that I had the extremely clever idea of adding that Taskmaster screenshot to that other person's text post, but I maintain that it's hilarious. Guy Montgomery and David Correos were so much fun because of this. At the time, I considered instead using a screenshot from Taskmaster UK season 5, with the speech bubble pointing at Mark Watson looking at Nish Kumar. There are so many example of two people whose comedy show interactions have been hilarious because they're based on one person making terrible decisions and the other person looking at them like "I'd follow him to hell and back but I wish he'd just stop going there." And not always a him, it doesn't have to be a him! Danielle Ward and Margaret Cabourn-Smith had some good "I'd follow her to hell and back but I wish she'd just stop going there" energy on Do the Right Thing (with Danielle Ward, of course, in the Correos/Kumar/Robins position).

I'm sure I realized until right now, as I write this, how much this might be my favourite dynamic in comedy because it also characterizes my favourite relationships in my own life. And I am genuinely not sure whether that's a me thing or whether most people can slot most of their relationships into one where someone's the David and someone's the Guy, in terms of who keeps driving things to hell and who follows out of loyalty but also apologizes. When I was in high school, and also for most of my twenties, my nickname among my friends was "loose cannon" because when they were trying to be careful and diplomatic in the political battles within the increasingly high levels that we reached in the sporting world, I was the person who once yelled at my coach in a hallway because I was so angry at the way he treated the athletes, and had a letter in my coaching file by age 22 that accused me of not caring about common courtesy. A letter from a coach who refused to work with me anymore because I was insufficiently courteous, so my best friend had to liaise with him on everything while asking me to please not upset more people and further alienate our team. And I have wonderful friends who tell other people that I don't hate them, really, I just seem standoffish because I'm shy, and later on they tell me that I really need to work on my poker face/ability to be around people I hate without making it incredibly obvious that I hate them. In addition to being genuinely shy. When we tried to get someone from my team elected to the provincial board, we knew from the beginning that 1) I would do all the actual work for both the election campaign and, if successful, the role itself, because I know and care the most about the issues and am good at admin stuff, and 2) I could not be the candidate because I hate most people and everyone I hate knows I hate them because I have no diplomacy skills.

Though I do also have one friend who coaches a team in another city and he knows he can call me pretty much any time and ask me for pretty much any favour and I will do it, and I will edit his emails and do his research for him to help him fight his stupid pointless battles and to try to keep him on top of things even though he can't keep track of anything and keeps making wild badly planned decisions, and people ask me why I don't just let him fail and walk away, and I say I know he seems like a brash asshole with no ability to think ahead, but he's a really good guy, really, once you get to know him. It's got back to me that most people in our sports community assume I am or was sleeping with him, as that seems like the only explanation for why I would stick by a guy who's clearly an idiot. The truth is much weirder, he was my university teammate in 2013 and one time he was in my corner when I had a panic attack in the middle of a match at the university national championships, and he saved me and got me through it and I managed to go back and win, and that's why I had to do things like sleep on a hotel room floor for a week in Atlantic City because he'd talked me into going on a provincial team trip where he hadn't booked enough rooms (or planned anything), because he'd earned my eternal loyalty. Oh God, I just remembered how during that trip he stopped to gamble in front of children, and I ended up yelling at him in the middle of the street in Atlantic City, "You know, I argue with people about you!" And he said, "What people?" And I said "People who think you're not responsible enough to run a provincial team trip! Which is everyone! I get into big arguments with them and you make it hard when you do shit like this!" But a few years later he was the first person I called when our mutual friend died because I realized in that moment, that's the person I trust most in the world.

Anyway. What was I talking about? Elis James and John Robins. I think I was talking about Elis James and John Robins. Okay, turns out listening to people talk about the friendships that you base on blind loyalty and apologism brought some stuff up for me. I think I have, in recent weeks, at times blamed my overly emotional posting - my posts that start out as comedy analysis but then go into oversharing about my person life - on the fact that I'm going through some emotionally difficult stuff as I'm trying to avoid drinking. But that's not the case here, I think I was always going to go on that tangent. I haven't seen my friend from out of town in a while, I'm a bit worried about him. I think he might be ruining his own life again. Something was going to connect to that. Rhod Gilbert reminds me of him.

Anyway. Anyway. Elis James and John Robins. Solid double act dynamic. Weird balance of status and tensions, enjoyable running thread of loyalty and apologism. Amazingly, I'm not done, here's another clip I cut out of that ComCom interview:

This is the second time I've heard John Robins tell this story, and I had the same reaction as the first time, which was: Oh my God oh my God oh my God, how were you ever able to sleep again? The horrible sharp pain of this story keeps me awake at night, just imagining what it would be like if that happened to me, and it didn't even happen to me. How could you ever sleep if it did? John Robins frequently tells stories from what he calls the "shame well", those things that happen where you obsess over how you did something wrong and regret it. John is constantly making jokes (or just statements) about how he lives a life mired in shame and regret. But still, I don't see how he can just casually throw this one out there like it's just another shame well story. It's so much worse. It's the worst one I've heard. I would hide under my bed for the rest of my life.

John Robins went on Adam Buxton's podcast in 2016, I have listened to that episode and it's not great. You want to talk about dynamics created by a differential in status - I think that one went way too far, to the point where nothing could really happen. There was this huge discrepancy of John Robins meeting his hero, which will often make someone sort of adorably giddy but not in this case, he just seemed a bit out of it and subdued. While on the other side, Adam Buxton appeared to have no idea who John Robins was, so not much discussion got generated. It wasn't a complete disaster, but I could understand why John didn't plug that one on his radio show, despite plugging most of his podcast appearances.

Anyway though, if I can manage to get past the sheer horror of the first part of that clip, the second part was sort of nicely validating. Because I am slightly weary of how much my trip down the Elis and John rabbit hole has got quite intense quite quickly, even by my standards of comedy obsession, and possibly taken a turn for the parasocial. I mean, I am currently writing a multi-page post about an interview they gave and it includes several paragraphs about my own life that are only tenuously related, in a way that I can say "Look I do the same thing as these guys I've never met."

The intensity of that has definitely been accelerated by the fact that I happened to, by a genuine coincidence, get into this show at the same time as I decided to try to slow down and/or stop drinking, and God, a lot of the ways in which John Robins talks about alcohol and anxiety resonates. And yep, I'd feel weird admitting it because I know it's sort of inherently creepy to say "they feel like my friends" about some people you've never met, but since John Robins said it first I think I can admit those headphones do make a difference. Might be another reason why I prefer the Bandcamp comedy to a Netflix special.

They touch on this throughout the ComCom interview - not so much in the clips I cut out but throughout the whole thing, it really is worth a listen if you're interested in this - the way their radio show gets so many letters from people who thank them for talking so honestly about mental health issues, people who say they've dealt with their own difficult shit and find this radio show has helped. Probably lots of shows get similar letters, but I think it's safe to say this one gets more than most. The Bugle used to read out their correspondence and Andy Zaltzman wasn't getting people every day saying "Thank you for making me feel less alone in my depression."

They really are good at that, at hitting the exact right balance of honest without being overbearing about it. For a show that spends so much time talking about symptoms of mental health problems, they almost never use the words "mental health". They never sit down and say "let's have a talk about what it's like to live with anxiety." They just describe their week, in more honest detail than you would normally hear on commercial radio. And leave in the parts where they panic about every decision they've ever made and get drunk alone in the middle of the night and cry because they think they've done everything wrong. And by "they", I mostly mean John.

I do like their word, "darkness". I didn't realize, when I first watched The Darkness of Robins in 2022 (a show John first performed in 2017, won a large award for it, released as a Netflix special in 2018, but I watched it in 2022), that that title's been around for ages. Elis James made a joke in an early radio episode, from 2014, about how someday, John should do a show called The Darkness of Robins, where he just lays bare all his anxieties, all his weird toxic quirks and control freak tendencies and oceans of shame and regret and various addictions/self-medication and cynicism and bitterness and anger and deep self-loathing. Elis said this as a joke, the joke being that you can't just put all that in a comedy show. But they kept the joke going for years. John did the Richard Herring podcast, in which he talked a bit about some of the more difficult mental health struggles he's had, and when he plugged it on the radio show, instead of saying "I talk about some of my more difficult mental health struggles", he said, "There's a fair bit of the darkness of Robins in it." And then he started casually referencing it on the show, describing a night when he might have drank too much and had a panic attack with a causal and sort of joke-y "I got overcome by the darkness for a little while." And then they started describing those emails from listeners who say it resonated with "[Person] has emailed in to say they've been afflicted by a touch of the darkness, sorry to hear that." And I just love that word. It's used with enough genuineness to make it clear that they're not making fun of mental health problems, they really do have them and it does feel dark. But also with enough irony - obviously there is irony in using a term as grandiose as "The Darkness of Robins" to describe panicking at 3 AM about something bad you said in school - to make it feel like it's not an after school special. I also like that they found a way to let that word mean no one has to name a diagnosis, to narrow their issue down to a loaded term like "I suffer from clinical depression", when not everyone who has that is diagnosed, not everyone is comfortable naming it, not everyone finds it easy to separate their symptoms into clear-cut causes. They can just use a shorthand like "the darkness".

It has been good, to have this radio show for the last couple of months that have brought some darkness into particularly sharp focus, as I decided to quickly remove the maladaptive self-medication. I've tried to stop writing about it so often the way I did earlier in the year, but as a little update on how that's going, still bad. Not enjoying it. Getting mildly parasocial about some guys on the radio might not be hugely healthy, but it's a healthier coping mechanism than whiskey, I guess. I'd really like some whiskey. Anyway I'm fine.

I do think that's why I find that Adam and Joe story so incredibly painful, though. I get paranoid about whether I get too parasocial about the comedians I like, I try really hard to be self-aware about it and be super clear that I know what I'm getting is a curated public persona and I do not actually know these people, and I am mortified at the thought of being one of those fans who thinks they actually are my friends and therefore they should know something about me. No one should know me. I hang out on Tumblr because it's the one social media platform where I know no famous people are searching their own name or anything, everyone's just an anonymous nerd. The thought of anyone knowing me makes me want to hide under my bed for the rest of my life. Though having said that, John Robins and Elis James are always very nice about people who write in with darkness emails.

Amazingly, I'm still not done this post:

Throwing this in just to say, once again, that I'm sorry for having also thought this but in my defense it's not just me. I am truly sorry that when I first heard John Robins got sober, my first thought was... but he's still going to be bitter and angry and annoying and plagued by regret and self-loathing, right? Because that's kind of the cornerstone of his comedy and is what I love so much about it. I mean obviously I want him to be happy, but could he release a couple more stand-up hours first?

I feel genuinely guilty for having thought that, especially because I do hold the sort of political belief that it's bullshit to say one must suffer to make great art, van Gogh did his best work once his mental illness was being treated, and all that. I do believe it applies to more contemporary things too. Jason Isbell made his best music after getting sober. I think James Acaster's best stand-up show might be his current ones, and it's a "let me tell you how therapy has made me healthier" show. But John Robins did base a lot of his comedy on being bitter and angry and annoying and plagued by regret and self-loathing. That's sort of my favourite thing about it.

I felt slightly better when I re-listened to his 2014 show (recorded in 2015) This Tornado Loves You, and was reminded that he admitted that himself:

That's John Robins talking about how his comedy has suffered because he's too happy in his relationship with Sara Pascoe, a relationship that has ended a 20-year search for happiness. And it goes with the clip I posted before that from the ComCom episode, of Elis James saying it's nice that John's relationship with Sara Pascoe recently ended, because it's given the quality of his comedy a real boost. And maybe they should just ruin John's life regularly to keep it that way. So it's not just me who had that horrible thought.

I'm feeling the need to clarify, once again, that of course I don't genuinely think that's a good thing. Obviously it's good that he got sober, for his sake but also, reports suggest his latest show Howl is excellent. I think Howl was written partly while he was drinking and partly while he wasn't, but performed after he'd quit, and the fact that it's done so well suggests that people can, in fact, make their best stuff after getting their shit together (I haven't actually heard the show, he's said he'll release it on Bandcamp sometime soon-ish, probably). And even if his comedy did get worse, which it clearly hasn't, it would still be best that he quit drinking because suffering wouldn't be worth great art, even if it were required for it. That's how it works. Drinking is bad for you. I definitely don't want to drink any whiskey right now. It's fine.

But. But. I recently re-listened to John Robins' episode of Isy Suttie's podcast, The Things We Do For Love. This is a rare instance that I've heard of a comedian being genuinely drunk while recording something. It's happened before that comedians will claim to be a bit loose and tipsy, but not usually so drunk that they're slurring their words. John Robins on Isy Suttie's podcast was slurring his words. He kept losing track of the question and interrupting at inappropriate moments. It's one of those things that makes me say "Oh, yeah, you really needed to quit drinking. This really was affecting your career, that's just a guy who showed up to work too drunk to effectively do his job."

But it was really funny. It made me laugh so many times. At one point he gets furious because Isy Suttie asked him whether he knows how to drive a car. Later on he threatens to murder her and Elis for their sitcom money, which would have been an okay joke but tbere was a bit of a sense of line crossing when he also threatened their child. (Fun side note that has nothing to do with John being drunk: at one point Isy tells a story about her ex-boyfriend, John Robins asks what the ex's name is but she refuses to say, which is weird because I know. It's weird that I know something about Isy Suttie that John Robins didn't, at least on that day.) It's a mess. It's hilarious. I feel vaguely guilty for finding that so funny, the same way I do about the episodes of No More Jockeys where Mark Watson gets properly drunk - that guy's probably got a problem too, I probably shouldn't laugh at it so much, but I also find those the funniest episodes. I have the say, the episode of Adam Buxton's podcast where John Robins was sort of awkwardly reserved would probably have been funnier if John had gotten drunk before it.

My best defense for that is I would not want John Robins to actually be drunk when he performs stand-up, or certainly when he writes it. Being drunk made him funnier on a podcast interview where he's supposed to tell off-the-cuff stories, because off-the-cuff stories get better when someone's filter has been broken down. But also, in his actual stand-up, or even his actual radio broadcasting, John Robins is doing a thousand little things at once to make what he's saying funnier. He's the master of the well-timed pause and the carefully chosen word. None of that would be any good drunk. So I maintain that you don't need to suffer addiction to make great art. It might help a bit to make funny tangents on an interview podcast, but not the actual substance. Also, however funny I found it, I don't think he was proud of that one. On the radio show, John plugged his appearance on Isy Suttie's podcast before he did it, but not one word about it on the radio after it had been recorded, even though most of those things he'll plug both before and once they're released. Though in a later episode of her podcast, Isy mentioned that the first guest she'd had on was a very drunk John Robins, who called her the next day desperately asking her to cut out the sexually explicit story he'd told using an old girlfriend's real name.

And she did cut it out, it's not in the podcast, as it shouldn't be, because it's not responsible to tell sexually explicit stories in something that's being recorded and will be published, if the audience knows the real name of the person you're talking about. Having said that, I've finally reached the point in the radio show where John's doing WIPs of The Darkness of Robins, where he does just that about Sara Pascoe, and I'm having a bit of trouble morally justifying how much I like the show in spite of that. I think I'll re-watch that show tomorrow, for the first time in nearly a year and a half. I'll see how that goes. I remember it as being very, very good. But also, in the last few weeks, I've had three different people watch it because of my posts about John Robins, and all of them came back to me to point out that the stories about Sara Pascoe are pretty inappropriate to tell on stage. I'm still holding out hope that I'll hear him clarify on the radio show that he did run that stuff by her before saying it publicly, or at least before recording it for Netflix.

Anyway, this post got a bit out of hand. I've tried for the last couple of weeks to slow down on my posting about the Elis/John radio show, and the posting about my personal life, but I seemed to have built up a lot to say and put it all in this one. I'm doing fine.

[zarvasace]

Mmm rarepair how about LU Hyrule and Flora? Romantic, or platonic if you prefer?

Dude. Anon. You understood the assignment. This is an awesome pairing.

Anyway this is a conversation that could probably be read platonically or romantically, but it's fun. I could see these two working out, depending on your endgame portal ideas. They kind of have a lot in common if you spin it that way. ~450 words

---

"I love looking at the sky here," Hyrule says, swinging his legs off the edge of the tower roof. Wild's castle is huge, and beautiful, and just right for climbing and looking out at everything. It's a lovely evening, dusky purple and slate blue creeping across the clear horizon. The others are down inside the castle, getting ready for the night. He snuck out to get a spare few seconds. 

"What makes you say that?" Flora asks. She settles next to him and turns her eyes skyward, too. "Is yours different?"

Hyrule laughs, because she has no idea. She'd be fascinated to see it, though. "My world's sky is always red. I think it has something to do with the volcanoes."

"Smoke and ash can turn the sky red," she says with a nod. "And from what you've told me about the volcanoes, I'd say that makes perfect sense. It doesn't bother your lungs?"

Hyrule shrugs. "I guess I'm used to it, so no. Flora"—he folds one leg under him to look at her straight-on, serious—"how are you doing?" 

She knows what he means. They spoke about it at length the first time they met. Like most other Zeldas, Flora has an incredible capacity for magic, but unlike most other Zeldas, she spent a century fighting a Ganon with brute-force light. She's very attuned to minute changes in magic, so of course she'd felt Hyrule's internal war. He's doing the same thing she did, after all, just on a smaller scale, inside his body. 

He also understands, now, that some of her research zeal comes from a fear of fading away. Her body isn't quite the same, anymore, something else he understands on a smaller scale. She still walks with a slight limp and, unrelated, is often as unaware of social convention as he is. It's endearing. 

Flora offers a tenuous smile. "I'm… better than a few months ago. It's slow progress but still progress. The castle is perhaps ninety-three percent free of Malice, now."

"That's great," he tells her sincerely. "We passed Castle Town on the way in, it looks like it's doing well."

"It is. I'm sure you know as well as anyone that the citizens of Hyrule are resilient and determined."

"We're survivors," he agrees, and they share a smile. 

"Do you know any constellations?" Flora asks after a moment, and Hyrule turns his eyes to the sky, where stars have begun to peek out. 

He's surprised to see most of the stars where he expects them to be. "I'll share a few, but only if you do, too." 

She laughs. "Gladly. Go on, I'm curious."

"Well," he says, pointing, and she scoots in to look down his arm, "that line of three there is the Great Fairy who ascended to the heavens…"