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biletdoux · 4 years

Text

stages of love | j.jh

Pairing | jung jaehyun (nct) + female!reader Rating | M Genre + Tropes | college!au, romance (angst, fluff, smut) Warnings | explicit language, alcohol consumption, instant love?, sexual content (drunk sex, receiving and giving oral, penetration, cow girl position, nipple play), greyzone fidelity Length | 15k+

Summary | A playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart

(Or; your relationship with Jung Jaehyun in ten songs.)

Note: ahhhhhhh!!!! we finally did it boisssss. this fic has been a long time coming and honestly im sick and tired of jaehyun. i’ve spent too long thinking about him for this fic smh. this is also my first time writing smut so we’ll see how that goes lmao. anyway this was a long labor of love so please let me know what you thought of it !!! <333

1. Peach by IU

smitten at first sight.

“How can I explain this feeling?”

“Alright, I think that sums up about everything we need to cover for today’s lecture. Remember, most of this will be on your final exam. Any questions before you’re all dismissed?”

Your professor looks up from the board, scans the room and all he sees are most of the students waiting with bated breath, itching to leave the class, and half of those students having already packed their belongings in anticipation. He held them back an extra twenty five minutes today, which is notably longer than previous lectures in which he delayed dismissal.

“Okay, you’re free to go. Chapters nineteen and twenty are due the next time we meet.”

You breathe out a sigh of relief, ready to head out with the rest of the class. You like Professor Jang and find that he makes history somewhat digestible, but he has a tendency to lose track of time, which is inconvenient, but more so today since you have agreed to meet up with Yeri. You glance at your phone to see text notifications and curse to yourself. You’re already ten minutes late and Yeri is many things and impatient is one of them.

You’re one of the first out of the small lecture hall and you shoot her a quick reply before making your way to the oncampus cafe. Through quickened strides and shortcuts engrained from cross-campus treks from class to class, you arrive in record time. You’re slightly out of breath and impressed by your speed, but you stop, frozen in your tracks when you see Yeri’s displeased face. You find her situated in a small, but cozy corner next to the windows, already unpacked with notebooks and papers strewn on the desk ready to review for exams. It's one of the best study spots in the cafe and you immediately know your best friend had to come extra early to nab such a sought after table.

“About time,” she scowls, “what took you so long?”

You shoot her an apologetic look, “aww, Yeri,” you pout your lips a little too dramatically, “I’m sorry. I just came from history and you know how Professor Jang is.”

Yeri looks at your jutted lips in disgust, but then her face softens in consideration. “Hm, I do know Jang.” She scrunches up her nose remembering her time in his class last semester. “That old man can talk for days on end and he never lets anyone leave class early. I guess I’ll let you go this time.”

You beam at her knowing she’s no longer angry for your tardiness. “Great, drinks are on me today. It’s the least I can do for being late.” Yeri forgives as easily and as quickly as she loses her temper. You learned this after a few weeks of being her roommate.

Yeri says nothing in silent agreement and you place your stuff down across the table next to the chair she reserves for you. You pull out your wallet and weave through the packed cafe to head to the order counter. The line is long and you patiently review the menu. Your roommate has consistent tastes and always orders a vanilla frappuccino regardless of which cafe she goes to, but you base your decision on your mood. You mull over your choices and by the time you reach the barista taking your order, you decide you’re in an ‘iced Americano’ kind of mood today. You have exams on top of exams you need to review for and a stronger caffeine kick is much needed.

After paying, you head back to the table with two drinks in tow. Yeri takes her drink and after you both take a few sips and catch up for the day, you dive straight to work. The two of you decide to review for statistics.

Between re-summarizing chapters and answering review questions, you muse to yourself about how your college experience thus far hasn't been that much different from your high school life. You didn’t necessarily hate high school, per say, but it was safe to say you didn’t enjoy it. Your heart was in the arts, specifically music, and you had found studying the core subjects to be boring and tedious. You remember being ecstatic to have been accepted and enrolled in a performing arts college, foolishly thinking your days of solving differential equations and memorizing chemical formulas were over. You specifically remember daydreaming of your hours being filled with keyboard practice and composition notes and only such things. Somehow the reality of mandatory general education courses slipped your mind when you constructed such fantasies.

Despite frivolous and preconceived notions of college, you have already survived a semester and you are nearly through your second.

“Hey, do you remember when this stats assignment is due?” Yeri’s inquiring voice snaps you out of your brief reverie and you search your cluttered brain for a date.

“Uh, I think it’s due, like, a few days before the final, but I’d have to double check.”

Yeri nods. “Alright, well let’s take a small break. We have some time till then, we don’t have to finish all of it today.”

You happily agree and set down your pen. Yeri takes a sip of her frappuccino and you lean over the table to get closer to her. “Anyway, did you hear about what happened with Jiwon and Youngjae from the entertainment management department?”

Her eyes glisten with wicked interest. “No. Do tell.”

Break time is always synonymous with gossip hour between you and Yeri.

You spend the next fifteen minutes dishing what you know and Yeri offers her own input whenever she feels fit.

“And they think they’re being discreet, but the whole dorm knows they’ve been sneaking around, but guess wha─” Before you can finish your sentence, you are cut off by a loud and energetic voice calling out Yeri’s name.

The two of you look up to see a slim and boyish brunet waving to Yeri and excitedly making his way to your table. He looks vaguely familiar, but you can’t quite place your finger on it, so you let it go.

He smiles happily at Yeri and greets her. “Hey Yeri, how’s it going?” He notices you there and gives you a polite wave, which you return in the same manner.

Yeri replies back breezily, but with her full attention. “Good. Did you need anything, Mark?”

He flushes just the slightest bit, but it doesn’t escape your eyes. “Erm, nothing I just wanted to remind you that we’re meeting for the music theory project tomorrow at four. I would’ve texted, but I forgot to get your number in class, and I saw you here and thought it was a good opportunity to tell you.”

Yeri’s eyes widen, “ah right! I completely forgot about it. It’s a good thing you found me here today, huh? Here, I’ll give you my number.”

She reaches her hand out her hand expectantly, and Mark is confused before scrambling to pull out his phone. You can tell Mark looks flustered while Yeri is calmly putting in her contact information. After finishing, she hands his phone back, “okay, all set. Just shoot me a text so I have your number as well. Thanks for reminding me today or I probably would’ve forgotten and not have shown up or something.”

Mark smiles again, this time a little more sure than before. “All good. I’ll see you tomorrow, Yeri.”

They wave goodbye and you watch Mark scamper from the cafe. Your eyes follow him, but Yeri is already focused on you again, paying Mark’s retreating form no mind.

“So…” you start.

“So?” She returns.

“He’s cute.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she shrugged. “I barely know him though. We have music theory together, but this is the first time we’ve talked all semester and we’re only talking because we got paired up for a project.”

Yeri seems apathetic and you study her closely. You notice she’s acting a little too stiffly carefree to be truly indifferent to the situation. You can’t help, but to tease her a bit. “Well, make the most out of this project then.”

Yeri gives you a hard look and you decide to let it go despite finding your best friend’s situation to be amusing.

“Anyway, keep telling me about Jiwon and Youngjae. You never finished.” Yeri changes the topic, knowing that you might decide to pester her again if she doesn’t.

“As I was saying,” you started up again. A figure outside catches your attention and you peer outside through the window past Yeri’s shoulders. You realize it’s Mark and you watch with interest as he gestures excitedly, pointing to something in his hand, you assume his phone, to some of his friends. From there your eyes wander absentmindedly from one person to the next, and it’s when you see him.

The reaction is almost instantaneous.

“Like you were saying?” Yeri urges, but her words fall on deaf ears, for all your attention is captured by the boy next to Mark with heart-shaped lips.

When you see said boy laugh, you notice he has moon for eyes and you unconsciously suck in a sharp breath. You must have been staring too intently without noticing because he turns his head in your direction and you two hold direct eye contact. Like a deer caught in headlights, you freeze and lose all rational thought. Your head is completely blank. You have never seen someone so beautiful and your mind does not know how to process any sensory information at the moment.

Someone calls the boy away and the entire group of friends leave. It’s only then do you find yourself releasing a breath you didn’t know you had been holding onto so tightly. Your heart is pounding and you feel as though blood is rushing through your ears.

“Hello?” Yeri sounds annoyed, but you struggle to find the words to answer her.

You feel a sudden heat rush to color your cheeks a vibrant red and a feeling surges through you that leaves you out of breath and weak at the knees. A steady warmth washes over you quietly and you feel it deep within yourself and you can’t help but let out a small laugh.

How silly, you muse. Not to be dramatic, but you think you’re in love.

2. Shadow by f(x)

adoration from afar.

“I’m really really into you.”

The next few weeks are packed to the brim with assignments and papers, but despite this, you still find time for your personal research into the boy who was with Mark that day.

Being the obvious first and easiest option, you beg Yeri to ask Mark directly about his friend, but she immediately shoots you down.

“No. Absolutely not. At least not anytime soon anyway,” she huffs. “I’ve barely held two full conversations with him, like hell the next is gonna be about his friend just cause my best friend started thirsting over him after one glance. I mean come on, girl.” She shakes her head at you.

Yeri’s right and you apologize to her for being thoughtless of her situation. She doesn’t say it, but she seems really hopeful about the music theory project and what might bloom from it. You would not want to impede on such possibilities of happiness for your friend, so you let that option go, but Yeri promises to help in other ways and she does.

Somehow between caffeine fueled cram sessions and sleep deprivation, you, with Yeri’s help manage to find out more about the boy. You casually ask around in your contemporary writing and production department and she offers help by searching her vocal performance department.

You find out his name is Jung Jaehyun and he’s a third year in the musical theatre department and that he’s a member of the local chapter of the performing arts fraternity on campus. You also discover his Instagram handle and you find yourself skimming through his page throughout the day more often than you’re willing to admit to any living soul.

You occasionally see him around campus since you first saw him at the cafe and each time, you can feel your heart hammer in your chest and you become so flustered to the point of your sympathetic nervous system activating. Unfortunately for you, your body unconsciously chooses flight each and every time at the sight of Jaehyun because you can always feel your knees go weak and your body lurch away to escape in any direction that isn’t Jaehyun’s. You kind of hate yourself each time you do, but you can’t help it. He’s just so pretty that it’s intimidating!

You try to think positive after the bouts of shame you experience after each escapade.

Well there’s no way to embarrass yourself in front of him if you run away before having the chance to, right?

Even thinking about it now in the comfort of your bed, you can’t shake your self-consciousness and bury your face in a large pillow resting on your knees. Your cheeks are burning and you don’t know what to do.

“Hey, why don’t you just talk to him, instead of moping all day and stalking his profile like a creep.” Yeri’s crisp words cut through your musings and you glance up to see her entering your shared room in the dorms.

“Shut up. It’s not like I have a benevolent match-making professor who happens to pair me up with my crush for an end-of-semester project.” You retort back before sighing dramatically, “I literally have no excuse to talk to him. We’re not in the same year or major. We don’t even have mutual friends. Unless, y’know, you and Mark hit it off, who knows.”

Yeri sits down next to you on your small twin bed, resting her head on your shoulder while letting out an equally dramatic sigh, “yeah, well, Mark’s so dense, all the divine intervention in the world isn’t going to help me.”

You let out snort, “what’s up with you two anyway?”

“Y’know, I could’ve sworn he was into me and I had a chance with him, but every time we meet up we literally only work on the project and nothing else. Every time I sort of tried to do something I get shot down. Like I told him I was kind of chilly today in the library, and he looks all thoughtful for a moment but all he ends up saying is ‘yeah, all the buildings on campus are always cold, huh? Good thing I always bring a jacket with me. You should bring one too next time, I don’t want you getting cold.’ And then he just turns back to the project like nothing. Can you believe him?” Yeri complains and you swear her annoyance is palpable. “And every time I text him to hangout, he thinks it’s to work on the project. I honestly can’t tell if he’s really that stupid or if he’s just not into me.”

You laugh at her unfortunate, but undeniable state of love affairs.

“Really? That bad? I remember him being all blushy when he asked for your number,” you recall. “And you should’ve seen how he looked when he showed off he got your number. Well that’s what it looked like anyway, I could be wrong.”

“Well, at least I’ll get a good grade though. Mark is nothing if not diligent and hard-working, with him being a double major and all.” Yeri sounds resigned however, she sighs again, this time more frustrated and you hear the determination in her voice. “Alright, after finals, for sure we’re gonna hit the clubs. We need to let loose, have some fun.”

You agree with her to appease her short temper, but deep down you feel disappointed. You feel sorry for your friend, having genuinely wanted Mark and her to work out, but a small and selfish part of you felt sorry for having no bridge to Jaehyun at all if it didn’t work out between Yeri and Mark. Looks like you were stranded now and you’d have to find a way to Jaehyun one way or another, but your line of help ends here.

Shaking away such negative thoughts, you think to yourself how soju bombs and dance floors don’t so bad after such an intense exam period after all. It will definitely take your mind off of things for sure.

And even though you say this to yourself, you know your mind will still be plagued with Jung Jaehyun no matter how much you try.

3. What Is Love by EXO-K

careful contemplation.

“I can’t explain what I feel.”

“Mark, tell me you did not.” The disbelief in Johnny’s voice made the situation all the more hilarious and even Jaehyun, who’s the calmer of the two, couldn’t suppress the guffaw from escaping his lips.

The tips of Mark’s ears flush a light pink and he tries to deliver a convincing argument, but all that comes out is a meek stammer, further driving Johnny up the wall.

When Mark came up to his and Johnny’s room asking for advice, Jaehyun had an idea of where it was going to lead, considering Mark’s clueless disposition and inexperienced track record, but Jaehyun had no idea it was going to be this bad.

Mark, having developed a crush on a fellow vocal performance major in his music theory class, came to Johnny, his frat big, to spill his guts and ask for advice constantly. Being Johnny’s roommate, meant Jaehyun was also privy to all the details of Mark’s love life and he had no problem giving advice to the amusing first year student, which Mark appreciated because going to Johnny meant a clowning session before he could get any useful nuggets of information.

When Mark’s music theory professor randomly assigned the two for the end of semester project, Mark was one part excited and two parts nervous, resulting in a frazzled mess. He has been going up to the second room on the right of the second floor of the frat house almost every other day to ask for advice since then.

Johnny was thrilled when he initially heard of the project, already envisioning his little’s love prospects, stating something along the lines of “my little’s gonna get laid!”

However, now looking at Johnny rubbing his temples in exasperation, Jaehyun can tell that his roommate’s initial enthusiasm has dissipated.

Mark’s daily roadblock today consisted of his crush giving him the cold shoulder and being much more snappy than before in the project meet up earlier. Mark recalls Yeri’s anger toward him and racks his brain for an answer. Even Johnny and Jaehyun are stumped at the sudden behavior, assuming that things were going smoothly from Mark’s previous reports filled with clumsy, but endearing and ultimately positive signs. It’s only when Mark offhandedly mentions her so-called ‘strange’ comment about the temperature, does it become clear why Yeri’s attitude suddenly shifted so drastically.

“I mean, I don’t know what I did wrong.” Mark’s second attempt to defend himself has Johnny flaring his nostrils in indignation and Jaehyun has to turn away in an attempt to stifle his laughter.

“Dude, she’s so into you. Or, at least she was, I don’t know about it anymore.” Johnny starts after calming down. “She left herself wide open for you to take a clear shot and you effectively said to her face, ‘thanks but no thanks’ and then walked away. No wonder she’s pissed, I’d be pissed too.”

“Well, what was I supposed to do then?” Mark counters.

“Mark,” Johnny begins, his tone dry and coarse, “you’re killing me.”

Jaehyun deems this the perfect time to step in, the laughter about done coursing through his system at this point. He clears his throat before offering his input, “It’s not too, too bad. Johnny’s just being dramatic. If she likes you enough, she’ll probably forgive you if you play your cards right from here on out.”

Mark perks up, his attention solely on Jaehyun.

Jaehyun hums absentmindedly to himself, gathering and organizing his thoughts to properly explain exactly where and how Mark went wrong and what to do moving forward. When Jaehyun opens his mouth to speak, Mark is glued on to every word and Jaehyun can see the gears in his brain whirring at high speeds.

By the time Jaehyun is done, Johnny has calmed down and Mark nods his head fervently in understanding.

“Ah, that makes so much sense now! I got it now.”

Despite his assurances, both Johnny and Jaehyun know Mark will be back soon.

“Alright little, listen up,” Johnny starts. “Here’s the game plan from here on out.”

Johnny goes off on a sermon, determined to help his little ‘get some’ as Johnny so delicately puts it. Jaehyun can see it’s not the most tasteful of word choice for Mark to hear, but the youngest says nothing.

Lounging lazily in the bean bag on his side of the room, Jaehyun knocks his head back and thinks of a few weeks back when he accompanied Mark and some other frat members to the rec center for some basketball. Jaehyun remembers Mark was bemoaning the fact he forgot to ask for some girl’s number and it was as if a higher entity heard the boy’s laments and felt especially gracious, because right as they were passing the cafe, Mark stopped in his tracks and suddenly ran off into the busy building.

The group of frat boys watched him excitedly weave his way through the crowd of bodies and occupied tables to reach a table with two girls. When they saw the girl putting her number into Mark’s phone, Johnny elbowed Jaehyun, and like a proud parent Johnny exaggeratedly acknowledged his little. “They grow up so fast, don’t they, Jaehyun.” Johnny even wiped an imaginary tear from his eye to really send the message home.

It was only a few moments later and Mark came bounding out of the cafe, eager to show everyone how lucky it was that he happened to see her. “I mean what are the odds, right?” the said boy exclaimed so happily, his cheer so infectious, Jaehyun couldn’t help himself from letting out a laugh of his own.

Jaehyun turned to give Mark an encouraging pat on the back and it’s when he notices a pair of eyes on him. He turns fully to come in the direct line of sight of a girl whose eyes, Jaehyun imagined to have been very warm, had they not been burning holes into him. Her intense gaze slightly unnerved him, but not to the point of pulling away. He found himself entranced and the only thing that broke the quick spell was Johnny’s voice, calling him to move it along.

Jaehyun recalls easily breaking eye contact and giving little thought to the strange girl with fire for eyes, but as the days passed, Jaehyun couldn’t shake the thought of her from his mind.

Even now in the comfort of his room and with Johnny and Mark not even a foot away, carefully planning Mark’s love endeavors, all Jaehyun’s mind can really focus on is the thought of you.

Jaehyun is sure he’s only looked at you for less than a minute, but somehow he’s able to clearly trace out the image of you that day, like a perfect snapshot.

“Yo Jaehyun,” Johnny calls. “You good? You’ve been spacing out, bro.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Jaehyun answers offhandedly, before contemplating to himself. Was he good? Jaehyun wouldn’t necessarily say he’s bad in any way, but it isn’t normal for him to have the thought of a girl remain so clearly engraved in his mind for so long, and even less common for it to actually be a girl he doesn’t even know nonetheless. It’s not a pressing issue, but it does bother him. He weighs over the next steps in his mind.

“Alright, just making sure.”

With one last thought, Jaehyun concludes to himself that it’s time to tackle his concern at hand head-on.

“Actually,” he starts, “Mark, do you remember the girl next to Yeri the day you asked for her number?”

Mark quirks his head in thought and Jaehyun can see Johnny raise his eyebrows in sudden interest.

“Uh kinda,” Mark answers. “I think she’s a CWP major. I’m pretty sure we shared an arranging class last semester, but like, I don’t know her personally or anything; it was a large lecture. To be honest, I don’t even think she recognized me at all, judging from her reaction that day. Why, what’s up?”

Jaehyun nods, absorbing the information, giving Johnny ample time to fire away.

“Yeah Jaehyun,” Jaehyun can visualize the glint in Johnny’s eyes just from hearing his mischievous tone. “What is up? I haven’t seen you ask about a girl in a hot minute. Thought you suddenly went abstinent without telling me or something.”

Jaehyun isn’t quite sure how to reply. Without a doubt you were cute to Jaehyun and he wouldn’t be opposed for things to happen between the two of you, but he doesn’t even know you! Well, not that it’s been a problem for Jaehyun in the past, but your lingering presence bothers him in ways he cannot communicate. Why is that the thought of you won’t leave him and why does it bother him so much?

Jaehyun decides to be straightforward, as straightforward as his muddled brain allows him to be. “She’s cute. I wanna get to know her.”

“Okay, Jaehyun.” Johnny whoops obnoxiously. “I see you.”

Mark is surprised and suddenly Johnny is all fired up again. Abruptly, Johnny shoots up and the determination that burns in his eyes is admirable.

“I’ve got it!” He declares proudly.

Jaehyun and Mark are quiet, waiting patiently for him to continue. They say nothing, knowing there is not a thing that can reach him when Johnny gets like this.

“We’re throwing a party and you bet your ass your two girls are gonna be there.”

4. Heaven by Ailee

walking on Cloud 9.

“When I hear your voice, it feels like I’m dreaming.”

You look up at the two-story house before you and wonder how you got here. Actually, you don’t wonder at all because you know exactly how you ended up at the steps of the local performing arts fraternity at your college, but you sigh regardless, as if someone had weaseled you into being here. Your nerves gnaw at you and you feel your stomach doing all types of aerobic tricks, the feeling reminiscent of the sensation before the roller coaster drops.

Yeri grabs your hand and pulls you excitedly to the front door. You can feel the thrum of music emanating from the building.

You recall how Yeri almost jumped you to tell the good news.

Finals flew by without any major hitches, ignoring sleepless nights and caffeine crashes. You don’t know how you’ll do, but you’re satisfied with your exam performances. You were in the clear and were just waiting for Yeri to present her joint music theory project before the both of you could finally let loose as a celebration to end the school year.

You waited for her outside of the classroom building as promised, playing with your phone to past time until you were suddenly engulfed by a delighted pair of arms. Yeri hugged you tight; she was in high spirits, seemingly from acing her presentation and you hugged her back in congratulations. She pulled at you closer and whispered in your ears, “just say yes.”

You were confused, but looked up to see Mark headed toward the two you. Yeri released you, leaving one arm still slung casually over your shoulder.

“Hey guys. My frat’s throwing a party tonight to celebrate finishing exams. I was wondering if, uh, you guys wanted to come? I mean you don’t have to, it’s totally optional.”

You didn’t say anything at first and Yeri interjected, “Of course!” She smiled at you innocently despite harshly pinching you to respond, her action hidden from Mark’s sight. “We’d love to, right?”

“Uh,” you answered distractedly. “Y-yeah, sure.”

“Great.” Mark beamed. “Party starts at eight. I gotta go help set up, so I’ll see ya there!”

And with that, he left as soon as he arrived and you looked at Yeri questioningly for answers. “I thought we were hitting downtown tonight. What happened to club hopping?”

Yeri smiled devilishly, “change of plans. I’ll tell you more about it later. The most important thing is finding the perfect outfit for you tonight, cause Jaehyun’s gonna be there.”

And so, here you find yourself dressed in high-waisted shorts and a cute top that took an embarrassingly long time to decide on. You are greeted by the fraternity president at the door of the house, Taeyong you think his name is, and he gives you two a quick verbal tour of the place, really emphasizing where to get drinks. Yeri thanks him for the both of you and you enter the crowded house. You think at least half of the performing art majors must’ve been here judging by the sheer volume of packed bodies.

You remember Yeri explaining how she and Mark may have been making a breakthrough and this party was imperative for its success. You were completely okay attending for that reason alone, because after all, what kind of person sends her best friend to a frat party alone? However, your resolve to go was set in stone after she explained that the frat that was throwing the party just happened to be the same frat Jaehyun was a member of.

“And y’know, seeing as how you’ve been obsessing over him the past few weeks, it’s the perfect opportunity.”

You frown remembering her words and make your way to the kitchen with Yeri in tow. Various beverages, alcoholic and non-alcoholic, crowd the table and you recognize the guy standing nearby idly chatting with others. It’s Jaemin, an acting major in your history lecture with whom you frequently exchange notes with when either one of you decides to flake for the day. You vaguely recall him mentioning his fraternity association, but didn’t realize it happened to be this one. He sees the two of you approaching the drink table and he smiles widely.

“Oh hey, what’s up?” Jaemin greets casually. “Didn’t expect to see you here. How’d you think you did in the history final?”

You groan. “I don’t even want to talk about it. What’s important is that we’re finished and I won’t ever have to think about the WWII timeline for, hopefully, forever.”

“Amen,” Jaemin laughs. “I’ll drink to that.” He raises up his red solo cup to cheers, before realizing both you and Yeri had nothing to drink.

“Oh shit, I’m a pretty bad host, huh? First thing I should've done was get you two something to drink.” He chides himself, but his tone is playful. “What can I get for you, ladies?”

Before you can think about what you want, Yeri cuts you off, her tone matching Jaemin’s. “How about some shots to start off and we’ll forgive the lack of hospitality.”

Jaemin laughs again. “Alright, I like it.” His hands are adept at weaving around the table and finding the paper shot cups and the vodka. “Svedka’s okay, right?”

“We’re not picky.” You and Yeri agree. You take the shot in one gulp and the unpleasant burning in your throat makes you wince.

“Can I get you two anything else?”

“Yeah,” you say. “I think another shot and then a mixed drink. Anything’s fine, but preferably on the stronger side.” You look over at Yeri and she nods in agreement.

“Coming right up.” Jaemin agrees easily.

He pours the two of you another shot and you think he must be a generous guy because the shot is overflowing. You and Yeri cheer once more while Jaemin gets to work mixing a cherry bourbon with some Coke. He tops off the drinks with some ice before handing it over to the both of you. “Here they are. Enjoy, ladies.”

You thank him and take a sip before excusing yourself to make your way around the party. The drink is sweet and the smoky aftertaste of the bourbon gives it a pleasant edge. You and Yeri are attached to the hip as you drift from one part to another around the party, making easy going small talk along the way. You are sufficiently buzzed by this point and feel much lighter as though the party was somehow two degrees removed from your senses. You look over to check on Yeri and she’s noticeably drunker than you are, giggling about the simplest of things and slurring her words just the slightest bit. You make a mental note to ease the drinking, wanting to be sober enough to look after her in case anything were to arise.

The two of you are at the base of the stairs when you hear Mark’s voice calling Yeri’s name. You turn your attention upward to see him ambling down the stairs with excited fervor. His cheeks are flushed, more so than usual around Yeri, and you can tell it’s due to alcohol because Mark is holding her hands and you know he can never be so bold without the help of liquid courage.

“Yo Mark, slow down there.” A voice calls out and you look up again and you feel your breath caught in your throat.

There in front of your eyes is Jung Jaehyun in the flesh. He looks heavenly dressed in simple jeans and a white tee. You unconsciously swallow the lump in your throat and your heart beat gallops a mile a minute in your chest. Your mouth goes dry and you mindlessly gulp down swigs of your drink. You know Yeri would’ve sniggered at your current state had she not been so tipsy and completely preoccupied with Mark.

Jaehyun catches up to Mark and when he reaches the base of the stairs, he notices the two of you.

“Oh Jaehyun, lemme introduce you guys.”

As promised, Mark introduces everyone quickly and Jaehyun shoots a smile that seems to be aimed at you. “Nice to meet everyone.”

“Cool, now that everyone knows each other,” Mark starts. “Yeri, can I show you something?”

“Uh, y-yeah.”

You give Yeri a hard look and she takes your hand to squeeze it in reassurance. She looks at you pleadingly and there’s a confidence in her eyes that you can’t argue with. You relent and let her go.

Mark takes her by the hand and leads her up the stairs while you watch, slightly worried.

Jaehyun seems to have sensed your apprehension because the words that leave his mouth snaps you out of your perturbed state. “Don’t worry. Mark’s a good kid, you have nothing to worry about. You have my word on it.”

And suddenly the situation dawns on you. The boy of your recent all-consuming infatuation stands here before you, and it’s just the two of you alone. Any social skills you have, leave you and you’re unsure of what to do.

Jaehyun notices the awkward tension in the air and works quickly to dispel it. “Your drink’s looking low. Can I get you something else?”

You look down to your drink to see that he was right. Only a few sips remain. You didn’t realize you had drank so much at the sight of Jaehyun.

“Um, some water would be good. I don’t want to be too hungover tomorrow.” You answer shyly. You also need to be sober enough to look after Yeri, but you decide to leave that out.

Jaehyun chuckles, “sure thing. Here, come with me. I’ll get you some water.”

Jaehyun leads you to the kitchen with ease, seamlessly weaving through the crowds of people. Every group of people he passes greets him loudly to be heard of the pounding bass of the music. You are not surprised to see how popular he is.

Once in the kitchen, he grabs you a bottle of water and a beer for himself from the fridge and you thank him. The cold water is refreshing, but it does little to cool your nerves. The awkward tension is high and still ever present. You feel as though you’re drowning in it and you also feel like running away from here despite this being what you’ve wanted for more than anything for weeks on end.

“So,” Jaehyun starts, clearing his throat. “Mark told me you’re a CWP major?”

“Uh, y-yeah, actually.” You hate how you’re so flustered around him. “How’d he know? Did Yeri tell him or something?”

“He said you guys shared an arranging class last semester.” Jaehyun recalls.

“Wait, really? I had no idea.” You start going off on how you could’ve missed such a thing and Jaehyun smiles. You’re much more comfortable when a rhythm has been established and the words flow out of you easily. You’re not as relaxed as where Jaehyun wants you to be, but he thinks it’s a good start.

You continue with small talk from there, much less uptight than before and you feel glad. Jaehyun is as radiant in person as he is in your imagination. You find him to be very kind and your heart flutters even more. Jaehyun mentions he’s a musical theatre major and you do your best to act surprised despite it being one of the only things you know about him prior to this moment.

Before he gets a chance to tell you more about himself, a tall boy with long limbs calls out to Jaehyun that it’s his turn to join the next game of beer pong. Jaehyun looks reluctant to leave and you don’t want him to leave either, but you’d hate to hold him back from prior engagements.

“Would you,” Jaehyun licks his lips in consideration, “like to play with me? I don’t have a partner.”

You nod your head and readily agree, eager to spend more time with him.

You’ve only played beer pong a handful of times and being around Jaehyun makes you nervous, so you miss the first few shots. You feel embarrassed, but Jaehyun is patient and assures you that it’s no problem at all. His little words of encouragement mixed with the beer you drink helps melt your tension, and halfway through the game, you’re whooping and hollering with everyone watching the game.

You high-five Jaehyun without a second thought after nailing a perfect shot and Jaehyun smiles even wider. The two of you are leading when Taeyong comes in to kick everyone out.

“Sorry guys, party’s over.”

Groans of complaints could be heard throughout the crowd, but Taeyong’s words are firm and he ushers everyone to leave. He has a few other frat members behind him helping out. He reaches the beer pong table and pulls Jaehyun aside. After a few exchanged words, Jaehyun nods in agreement and ends the game completely, apologizing to his opponents.

You’re confused, so you carefully ask Jaehyun what’s going on. He sees you and his gaze softens, he quietly explains, “apparently, the campus police have received multiple noise complaints and since the fraternity already has a strike, Taeyong doesn’t really want to risk another. “

“Ah, I see.” You nod. You’re saddened by the turn of events, having finally eased into a relative comfort around Jaehyun and you yearn for more. “Well, I better go look for Yeri then.”

This is a goodbye and you’re unsure of what else to say to him, your disappointment mixes with alcohol making you feel even more miserable. You want to ask for more, but can’t find the words to reach him. Luckily, Jaehyun does it for you.

“Are you free sometime this week?” He asks. “I feel like we didn’t get a chance to really talk and I’d like to.”

Your heart hammers and the blood rushes in your ears, but you still find yourself uttering a mousy agreement.

“Great,” his smile is dazzling and you feel dizzy. “It’s a date then.”

5. 24 Hours by Sunmi

rushed minutes.

“Time goes by so quickly.”

“Hey,” a distant voice calls out and Jaehyun looks up from his phone to see your approaching figure. Your cheeks are rosy from the summer sun and stray pieces of your hair escape from your loosely styled updo. Jaehyun takes all of you in with careful appreciation.

“Hey yourself.” Jaehyun chuckles, slipping his phone casually in his pocket and standing up straighter to greet you properly.

Jaehyun sees the red of your face flush brighter, the soft color bleeding across your cheeks and onto your nose. Cute, he thinks. He watches as you tighten your grip on your clutch, knuckles white with nervous tension, in an attempt to gather your composure and calm your nerves. You clear your throat, “I didn’t know you’d be here so soon. You should’ve texted me.”

“It’s all good, I finished early.” Jaehyun notices you no longer stutter around him like the first night you two met. He’s glad the days and nights of sober texting after exchanging numbers at the party did wonders to make you feel comfortable around him. He’s not too worried about your current ‘first-date’ anxiety, knowing it’ll be dispelled soon enough. “Shall we?” He moves to open the door and the cool rush of air from the cafe greets the two of you.

The cafe is quaint and cozy, tucked away in a small corner of intersecting back streets and crowded buildings. Jaehyun discovered the little spot not too long ago and something, Jaehyun assumes his instincts, compelled him to take you to it for the first official date. It just felt right.

The two of you walk to the order counter and you take it all in. You can hear the quiet chatter of the cafe occupants mixed with the rattle of espresso machines being put to work. Your eyes scan over the decorations and several potted succulents hanging from the ceiling. It’s incredibly homey and you feel at ease.

“Hiya, I can help the two of you whenever you guys are ready.” The barista is cheerful to a fault and Jaehyun watches you shoot her a grateful smile before your eyes move to the menu to decide on what to get.

Jaehyun knows what he wants, so he waits patiently for you to decide, but seeing your eyebrows scrunch together in indecision, Jaehyun chuckles to himself. “I hear the iced lattes here are really good, particularly the caramel latte,” he offers.

You perk up in surprise, but you recover quickly, “okay, that sounds good then. I was between that and the iced cocoa.”

“No problem, I’ll order then. Today’s on me.” Jaehyun says.

Jaehyun walks up to the barista and quickly places the order. He reaches for his wallet after the barista recites the order, but he falters slightly when he sees your gaze glued to the cake display, particularly the crepe cake.

“Can I get a slice of the chocolate crepe cake over there too?”

“Of course! Here’s your new total,” she turns the touch screen display over to Jaehyun and he readily inserts his card to pay. When finished, Jaehyun turns back the screen and after a few taps from the barista, a receipt is printed and she hands him a buzzer.

“Your order will be out shortly.” She informs him.

Jaehyun smiles and says a small ‘thank you’ in return before turning his attention to you. You look up to meet his eyes and you smile, “can we sit over there by the window?”

You head to the little corner table first with Jaehyun steadily in tow. You sit at the chair that leaves your back to the window and Jaehyun is mesmerized by how the afternoon sunlight refracts through your silhouette. You’re glowing and Jaehyun swallows thickly.

“So,” he starts. “What have you been up to?”

“Celebrating finishing my first year of college in one piece.” You laugh lightly. “I got by with passable grades, but other than that Yeri and I just finished moving into our new dorms. We’re no longer freshmen, so first year dorms are off limits. I’m gonna miss the convenient location.” You jokingly mope.

Jaehyun laughs easily with you and before he gets a chance to reply, the buzzer goes off so he excuses himself to go pick up the order.

A different barista places down a tray with your two drinks and a small slice of cheesecake with two dessert forks resting on some napkins. “Enjoy your order!”

Jaehyun smiles in thanks and picks up the tray to bring it back to the table. He can’t wait to see the look on your face when you see the mille crepe cake and true to his expectations, your eyes light up at the sight of dessert.

“Surprise.” He says. “I saw you looking at it earlier.”

Jaehyun watches as you immediately grab a small fork and try a piece of the cake with unrestricted child-like excitement. Your eyes light up at the taste of the delicate layers of fresh whipped cream and thin crepes and the smile you shoot in his direction has Jaehyun’s heart beating a little faster than he’s willing to admit.

“Thank you!” You look up at him. “It’s so good, you should definitely try a bite too.”

“Yeah? I’ll try some then.” Jaehyun sits down and leans even closer to you over the table, his mouth open and expectant and his eyes staring straight into yours.

You try your best to bite back the scarlet fighting to stain your cheeks as you cinch off a small section of the cake with your fork. Your hand falters just the slightest bit when delivering the small confection to his awaiting mouth, but you push through and feed him despite the embarrassment you feel.

Jaehyun chews slowly and deliberately, taking his time to lick the stray whipped cream from the corner of his mouth. You lose the game of chicken, breaking eye contact first.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “It’s good. We should definitely come back.”

You let out a little awkward cough, desperate to ward off your cloud of emotions. “Uhm, yeah sure.”

Jaehyun has always thought you were cute, but he thinks you’re especially cute today.

“Anyway,” you start. You want to change the topic because you don’t think you can survive this tension without your brain frying. “I feel like I’ve just seen you around recently. I should’ve run into you a long time ago since the performing arts college is so small.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun is a little taken aback. “I used to be over at the East Campus. I was a business and administration major for two years before I switched over to musical theatre.”

“Wait really?” Your surprise erases any tension you felt earlier. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah,” he laughs. “It doesn’t really come up in conversation.”

“Why’d you switch over? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Jaehyun contemplates his reply for a second as takes a sip of his coffee. “Well, when I entered college, I didn’t really know what I wanted, so I just followed whatever my parents wanted me to do. I actually knew I liked musical theatre for the longest time, but it took time for me to build up the courage to switch. My parents weren’t happy with it at first and we fought for the longest time, but I think they’ve warmed up to it enough by now. I’ve never really talked about this though, I just tell people I transferred from a different college and the conversation just ends there I guess, but it’s really no big deal.”

“Thank you for telling me this, Jaehyun.” Your voice is sincere and Jaehyun believes you.

“What about you, hm?” Jaehyun returns. “Why CWP?”

“I don’t really have one point that changed my life and helped me find my calling or whatever,” you ponder with a tilt of the head and the taste of cream dissolving in your mouth. “But ever since I was little, I always knew I was gonna end up doing something in music. I was never good at singing though, so vocal performance was out the door and I wasn’t that interested in classical instruments either, so that helped me narrow stuff down. Actually, what really helped me decide was during orientation, my group leader was a contemporary writing and production major and she told me all about it and I’ve been sold ever since. I really like it though, and have no intention of switching.”

“That’s good. Sometimes I wish I switched earlier.” Jaehyun muses. “I feel so behind sometimes. Most people in my class have already been in at least one musical and an internship, except for me. I think about it a lot, but I try not to let it get me so down.”

“You shouldn’t feel that way!” You try your best to cheer him up, and Jaehyun appreciates it a lot more than he thought he would. “Everyone has their own pace, that’s what college is all about! Nothing is ever wasted time. You can think of your time as a business admin major as a way to help you make up your mind on your true passion. You told me you’ve always liked musical theatre, but I’ve bet without the time in business, you would’ve never known you liked it enough to pursue a career out of it.”

Jaehyun laughs at your earnesty. He thinks you’re a touch naive, but your words make him feel light. “You’re right. I can say for sure I wasn’t happy as a business major.”

“See? Nothing is ever wasted time if you can discover your true happiness out of it.”

The two of you exchange easy chatter after that and between small bites of cake and sips of coffee, Jaehyun thinks you’ve become prettier and prettier.

“What was it like?” You ask absentmindedly.

“Hm? What was ‘what’ like?”

“Being a business and administration major.”

Jaehyun has to think about it. He recalls constantly dressing up for group presentations and boring lectures, but his mind wanders to his activities outside the classroom. He remembers the constant partying and the blur of faces that helped him keep his bed warm. He remembers brief flings and relationships cut short. He doesn’t want to think about those things when he’s next to you. “Uhm. It was okay, nothing special, but that reminds me–”

“Yeah?”

“Are you free next weekend?”

“I should be. Why, what’s up?”

“Great,” Jaehyun smiles while taking the last sip of his coffee. “I’m having a housewarming party at my new apartment. You should definitely be there.”

The day of the long awaited housewarming party rolls up sooner than expected between settling into your new dorm with Yeri and the occasional small ‘get-togethers’ with Jaehyun. They’re actually dates if you're being honest, but you don’t want to put a title on anything in case he wasn’t on the same page as you. Being with Jaehyun made you giddy in more ways than one, but that means the anxiety that pools at the base of your stomach grows larger each day when the relationship between the two of you goes unnamed. You feel greedy when you desperately grasp at the shred of time you share with him, always unwillingly to let go.

“Are you ready?” Yeri’s voice breaks you out of your small reverie. Her hand is poised, ready to knock on the black door of Jaehyun’s apartment, waiting for you to gather your composure. Yeri is dressed to the nines in a cute skirt with a top to match. She wants to look good for her new boyfriend and you teased her endlessly for it when the two of you were getting ready.

“Mark’s one lucky guy.”

“Shut up. Worry about yourself.”

“All I do is love you, yet you’re so mean to me.”

Regardless of her harsh words toward you, she helped you toss your closet inside and out for the perfect outfit to woo Jaehyun, even if it meant showing up late to the party.

The two of you leave your dorm twenty minutes later than you intended and it also didn’t help that Jaehyun’s apartment was difficult to find, tucked away in a small building between towering skyscrapers, but now is finally the moment of truth.

“Yeah, I’m ready as I’ll ever be,” you mutter as you watch Yeri knock on the door.

It takes a minute before the door creaks open and Jaehyun’s head pops out. His smile is radiant and you’re absolutely ensnared by the way his fringe falls over his forehead.

“Hey, glad you two could make it.” Jaehyun opens the door wider to allow you and Yeri to enter. He greets Yeri with polite warmth while he wraps an arm over your shoulders. When Yeri heads in the apartment first with her back against the two of you, Jaehyun steals a quick peck to your temple and whispers, “you look pretty tonight.”

His touch is fleeting and he pulls back quickly, as if you imagined the whole thing, but his cheeky smile tells you that it really did happen. Your heart hammers and you force yourself to focus on the steady thrum of mellow R&B that reverberates throughout his apartment to calm yourself. You take his apartment in steady strides with your full attention. It’s sleek and modern with a few pops of his personality here and there in the form of trinkets decoration choices.

“Hey!” Johnny calls over from the couch. He has a beer in hand, but he’s far from tipsy. Flanked on one side is Doyoung with another beer to match and on the other is Sicheng. Seulgi, the girl, who you assume is Sicheng’s significant other, by the way his arm is casually wrapped around her waist, is also there and she nods at you in greeting. You've come to know about all of them after hanging out with Jaehyun so much. “Did you guys get lost or something?”

“Yeah,” Yeri replies as she moves to sit next to Mark who’s on the adjacent loveseat and resting a drink on the coffee table. “Something like that.”

She places a sweet kiss to the corner of Mark’s mouth in greeting and you swear you can hear him crooning at the attention.

“Doesn’t matter, Johnny. The important thing is that they’re here now.” Jaehyun interjects. “Do you guys want anything to drink?”

“That’d be nice.” You hum.

Yeri laughs in agreement, “yeah, the two of us could never say no to a drink.”

“Alright, I’m on it.” Jaehyun calls while moving to the kitchen. “Any preferences?”

“No,” you say. “Surprise us.”

Jaehyun works to mix drinks and you take a seat on the floor next to the coffee table to observe the party. Perched on the shelf of a slender bookcase in the corner of his living room is a bluetooth speaker playing music, the rhythm quiet and bass steady as everyone chatters away once introductions are made on the sofas. You remember him offhandedly mentioning that he doesn’t want any noise complaints on his first week in the new place and it makes sense. Jaehyun’s housewarming party is a quiet affair that is far different from the wild party at the frat house in which you met him, but you think this vibe fits Jaehyun more.

Jaehyun returns shortly with two drinks in tow for you and Yeri and sits himself snugly next to you on the floor. He picks his idle beer from the coffee table and once Johnny realizes that everyone in the proximity has a drink in hand, he raises his voice and beer in a toast. “It sucks that Taeyong couldn’t make it tonight, but here’s to having fun without him. We’re gonna get twice as fucked up to make up for his absence, cheers!”

Everyone lets out a chuckle, but obliges to humor him anyway and joins to connect their drink to his in cheers.

You pull your cup back and take a big gulp of the drink. It’s sweet and carbonated, but the sting of alcohol at your throat leaves you wincing just the slightest bit.

A few pleasantries are exchanged here and there, but it’s only then does Doyoung pull out a deck of cards with a devilish glint in his eyes that deceive his looks.

“Ring of fire, anyone?”

After who knows how many rounds of ring of fire (and maybe a few other drinking games here and there) with too many drink refills for you to remember, you somehow find yourself splayed on the couch and leaning over Yeri’s shoulder in support. Seulgi is on the other side of you leaning on you for support, the same way you’re doing to Yeri, but you don’t mind it one bit. The three of you have grown surprisingly close with one another throughout the night.

Your mind is lucid enough to still be conscious and completely aware of where you are and what you’re doing, but the alcohol in your system eats away at the details in your memory.

You vaguely recall ridiculous punishments that involved Johnny twerking on the dining room table and Mark taking a shot of Jack Daniels mixed with ketchup, and you can’t help but snicker to yourself.

“I think we should get going now.” Sicheng is the first to speak as he moves to help Seulgi up. “It’s getting late.”

Doyoung looks a little groggy, but when he checks the time, he perks up immediately, “oh shit, you’re right. I need to get going too, I’ve got something in the morning.”

With that everyone shuffles to clean the remnants of the party with as much grace as they can muster while intoxicated, which wasn’t much, but in twenty minutes, Jaehyun is already walking half the party to the door in goodbye. Only you, Mark, and Yeri are left.

“Hey Yeri,” Mark calls softly to Yeri as he brushes a strand of hair from her face. “Are you ready to go too?”

Yeri is still sprawled on the couch with you, but mumbles a small response. “Yeah, I should be. Give me a second.”

She turns over to you and nudges you just the slightest bit. “I’m gonna go back to Mark’s tonight, are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” you assure her. “I’ll be fine, just go have fun.”

“She’s free to rest here until she’s ready to leave, don’t worry. I’ll call a cab for her when the time comes.” Jaehyun pipes up.

Yeri gives you a look, but you squeeze her hand one last time to give her some peace of mind. “I’m a big girl, Yeri. I’ll be okay, promise. I’ll walk you to the door, Mark’s waiting.”

You give Yeri a tight hug in goodbye and you find your way back to the couch. The fact that you’re all alone in Jaehyun’s apartment doesn’t hit because of the remnants of alcohol in your system melts away your nerves.

You’re pleasantly buzzed, lost in your own thoughts when Jaehyun comes up to you with a glass of water in hand. “Here, so you don’t feel as bad tomorrow morning.”

You accept it gratefully and take in big gulps, the water refreshing, but your skin feels hot.

Jaehyun takes a seat next to you and the proximity makes your head spin. You turn to look at him, and he flashes you a smile.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?”

“You might’ve mentioned something.” You tease. “But I don’t mind hearing it again.”

“Well,” he hums. You’re not sure, but you think the distance between the two of you is decreasing. “You really do look stunning tonight.”

You flush at his words, but you look straight into his eyes. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”

“Yeah? I try to impress.” Jaehyun’s eyes are hooded and your throat goes dry. “Can I kiss you?”

You say nothing at first, his words not registering into your muddled brain, but when you feel his breath ghost over your lips, you don’t hesitate to close the gap between you.

His lips are slightly chapped and you can taste the vodka on his breath, but to you it’s perfect. Jaehyun’s perfect.

Jaehyun kisses you with reserved passion and practiced expertise. His tongue sets the rhythm against yours and his roaming hands have you feeling as if you’ve been set ablaze. He pulls back just the tiniest bit and the intense longing for his touch that hits you is indescribable.

You pull him back in your arms and your lips reconnect in a desperate fervor. Jaehyun adjusts his arms around you and the next you know, you’re in his embrace and he’s carrying you to his bedroom. He places you down gently, his bed is plush and comforter soft.

Jaehyun’s touch is gentle as he gathers your face in his hands. He kisses you again and you wrap your arm around his neck to pull him closer. He pulls back and looks at you earnestly. “I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. We don’t have to do anything tonight.”

Everything’s moving so fast and you’re dizzy, but you don’t want whatever this is to stop. You want to be as close to Jaehyun as possible.

“No,” your voice is hoarse. “Don’t stop. I want you, Jaehyun.”

He kisses you again, this time unrestrained. His tongue is hot, but you can only savor it for a minute before he starts trailing kisses down your neck and tugging at your shirt. You let out a breathy moan in response to how his touches make you feel.

Jaehyun reaches at your shorts and makes quick work at unbuttoning them. You help him remove the article of clothing and his slender fingers dart inside your panties. You’re slick to the touch and Jaehyun must be made of magic because you think you’re seeing stars. You unravel before him embarrassingly quick, but he kisses you at the base of your clavicle in sweet reassurance.

Your chest is heaving, but you want more. You grab at Jaehyun’s shirt, urging him to take it off. The expanse of his abdomen is a sight to behold, but Jaehyun is cruel and doesn’t give you the time to take it in. He’s on top of you again, lips crashing onto yours once more. He reaches behind you to unclasp your bra and while he’s pre-occupied, you unbuckle his belt and steal a moment in his boxers. He feels thick and hot in your hands as you run your finger over the tip to feel a drop of pre-cum. He buckles just the slightest bit and it emboldens you.

Jaehyun helps himself out of his jeans and you push him onto the bed wanting to be on top this time. He’s straining against his boxers and you want to help relieve the tension. When you pull off his boxers you can feel his inaudible groan. You stroke his length gingerly and look up to see him with hooded eyes look right back at you.

This excites you so you take him in your mouth in a moment of unfiltered courage. Your tongue starts at the base before tracing your way up to his sensitive head. You tease him accordingly to his quiet grunts and groans and when you feel like he’s had enough, you take all of him in until his tip is hitting the back of your throat. You gag a bit, but push through.

“Fuck,” Jaehyun stutters out between stacatoed breaths. “Babe, you’re so good.”

You hum in pleasure at his praise and he grabs your hair. This goes on for a few more minutes before he reaches down to stop you. “Not that I don’t love this,” the look in your eyes nearly has him faltering his words, “but I don’t want to cum just yet.”

You relent with a slick pop and Jaehyun shifts over to rummage for a condom in his nightstand. You settle back down in his pillows. Jaehyun gives you a soft kiss on the lips before he enters you.

“Tell me when it’s okay to move,” he whispers and you place a small kiss at the base of his neck.

He starts off slow to let you acclimate to his size, but neither of you are very patient, so he ends up pounding into you a lot sooner than he anticipated and you find yourself getting caught up in the pleasure.

It feels like you’re dreaming, but if this was a dream, you never want to wake up.

6. Hush by Miss A

shh, no talking, just us.

“I can’t think straight.”

You and Jaehyun don’t become official until a few weeks later.

He asks you one day when you’re naked and out of breath. You’ve gone one too many rounds with him and a thin layer of sweat coats your body as you lay on his heaving chest. You absentmindedly draw shapes on his skin and he gives you a chaste kiss to your temple.

“We should date.” He hums. “I think I’d make a good boyfriend.”

“Yeah?” You raise your eyebrow in teasing.

“Yeah,” he ascertains. “Give me a chance and I’ll show you.”

“Hmm,” you pretend to think it over as if this wasn’t you’ve been hoping for since the first moment you laid eyes on him. “Okay. Let’s give it a try, boyfriend.”

Jaehyun laughs and you feel the world fall into its right place. “Alright, girlfriend.”

And the rest is history as they say.

Jaehyun isn’t your first, but you experience many firsts with him. You’re not exactly inexperienced, but he really opens your eyes.

“Fuck,” he groans into your neck. His hands grip at your hips to help guide you along, but you’re fully in charge. “You’re doing so good, babe. Just like that.”

You didn’t see yourself as someone who liked to take charge during sex, but after that one time Jaehyun asked you to top, you’ve never looked back since.

You roll hips into him and at a pace you know drives Jaehyun wild and you pull him into a sloppy kiss. It’s all tongue and no grace, but you love it the same regardless. You capture his bottom lips between your teeth playfully before pushing him flat on his back until he’s firm against his plush mattress. You place a hand on his chest and the other on his thigh to balance yourself and Jaehyun immediately knows you’re close.

A hand rests on your hip to steady you while the other snakes over to play with your clit to further stimulate you toward your climax. Jaehyun knows what you like and his timing is impeccable, so before you know it, both of you are reaching your highs together. You collapse on his chest and you allow yourself to stay in his warmth long enough to have your breaths synchronize before you extricate yourself from him to head to his bathroom.

When you come back out, he’s disposed of the used condom and opens your arm wide for a hug, which you gladly indulge in.

Time stops when you’re in his arms.

On the surface, it looks like Jaehyun likes to mix it up. He seems like an elusive guy with varied tastes, but the more time you spend with him, you realize he likes the control of seeing you unravel before him.

He likes the intimacy of missionary.

The close proximity to your body has him looking into your eyes and leaving you feeling the most vulnerable of ways. He has full access to your neck, which he lovingly claims as his own and you chide him the next day when you see scattered purple blooms. Jaehyun changes his pace on a whim and you fall to his mercy. When he takes you fast and hard, you see stars, but when thrusts in you with languid leisure, he has you begging for more.

He likes the intensity of taking from behind.

When you’re on your knees with your ass in the air, he takes it as a guarantee to fuck you senseless. Your muffled moans makes his dick twitch and you swear you can feel him fuck into you even faster. Jaehyun always makes sure to wrap his arms around you to finger your clit until you go into sensory overload and he doesn’t stop pounding into you until there are tears in your eyes. He kisses each one away before taking your lips in his and you can taste the salt water on his tongue.

He likes the dominance from eating you out.

He laps at your core like a starved man and makes good use of his adept fingers until your head is spinning. Jaehyun makes it a habit to eat you out until you’re satisfied before he gets his turn. When your thighs are on either side of his head and your hands tangled in his hair, he swears he can stay there forever.

Above all, Jaehyun just likes you. He likes being with you and he definitely likes fucking you and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Mmmh,” you breathe out.

Your back is flush against Jaehyun’s back as you rock your hips back and forth on his dick. You grind your ass back even harder when he pinches your nipple between his fingers.

He kisses your shoulder blade from behind and bucks his hip upward to meet you in the middle.

The afternoon sunlight is streaming in from the gaps of his blinds and you want to take it nice and slow today. The television in front of you is playing a movie, but you’re too enraptured by the feeling of him filling you to the brim to pay it any mind.

“I love it when you’re on top, babe.” he hums as he plays with your clit.

You let out another breathy groan before you can find the composure to bite back at him. “What happened to no sex today, hmm? I thought we were just going to have innocent quality time together and watch a movie.”

Jaehyun must’ve not liked your sass, so he bucks up harder. He’s telling you to pick up the pace and you oblige. Before you know, you’re practically bouncing on his dick and you can feel your impending high about to crash down on you. He can sense it too and maintains his tempo. When you cum, Jaehyun rides on the tail of your climax in pursuit of his own. He cums shortly after with stuttering hips and a bite on your shoulder. He gathers you in his arms and runs his tongue soothingly over where he bit you and the various love bites that he’s littered on the expanse of your skin.

“Just being with you is quality time in itself.” He says. “Besides, class is starting soon, so I won’t get to see you as much.”

7. Disturbance by BoA

a ripple on the surface.

“I didn’t know at first.”

“So I do have a roommate after all,” Yeri’s voice calls out and you turn over to see her standing by the doorway. You roll your eyes at her, but quickly turn back to gather your things.

She lets out a chuckle, but you don’t miss the sour edge to her tone. “I thought I got a single dorm since it’s so empty all the time.”

“You say that, Yeri,” you retort. “But I know you’re over at Mark’s constantly so I don’t wanna hear it from you.”

“Yeah, but I make time to come back here and I always let you know when I’m going out. I feel like I’ve only seen you maybe once or twice the past few months. I feel like the only reason I see you these days is ‘cause of classes.”

“You’re just exaggerating, don’t be so dramatic. Come on, let’s go. I don’t want to be late.”

She looks displeased, but nothing leaves her lips as the two of you head out for the day.

It’s late.

When night falls, shadows come out to play and your college campus is riddled with them. The school auditorium is situated in the far corner of the campus and the lamp lights of the main walkways do little, but you pay it little mind. Jaehyun should be getting out soon.

It takes another ten minutes to see him emerge from the double doors and you perk up immediately at the sight of him. He looks a little shocked to see you, but greets you with a warm hug and small peck regardless.

“Hey,” his voice is small, almost reserved. “What are you doing here? I thought I told you I was finishing late tonight.”

“Oh, you did, but I still wanted to see you.” You explain, eyes bright and tone undeterred.

“Not that I don’t appreciate it,” he licks his lip. “But it’s really late and I still have more stuff I need to work on. I’ll see you some other time, okay?”

“Oh, okay.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, babe. Next time.”

“Oh hey,” you smile, but Yeri’s fury is palpable and cuts through you.

“Don’t ‘oh hey’ me.” She spits out. “Where have you been? Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Sheepish, you reply, “oh sorry. I forgot to fully charge it before leaving and Jaehyun and I have different phones, so I couldn’t charge it at his place.”

“You were at Jaehyun’s?” Yeri is glaring at you at this point and you feel a bit peeved.

“Yeah. What of it?”

Yeri’s been getting angry at you recently, losing her temper at the drop of a hat, and you can’t seem to pinpoint why. You’re getting tired of being her punching bag.

“We made plans to go shop for Seulgi’s gift today. You promised you’d be there, don’t you remember?”

“Oh shit.” It completely slips from your mind and you open your mouth to apologize, but Yeri cuts you off before you get the chance.

“Forget it. I don’t want to hear it. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Yeri turns to leave before you can say anything back.

8. Symptoms by SHINee

something’s wrong.

“The worse it gets, the more exhausted I get.”

Jaehyun feels off.

He can’t pinpoint exactly what he is that he’s feeling, but he thinks it’s reminiscent of his world being tilted by six degrees. It’s not immediately jarring and takes little time for his eyes to register, but he’ll occasionally bump his toe, signalling that this isn’t right. Things aren’t where they’re supposed to be. His head spins just the slightest bit and he feels woozy, but he doesn’t know why.

Jaehyun just feels off.

Jaehyun checks the bulletin board of his school auditorium almost religiously.

Each time before and after class, he’ll swing by and peruse the flyers that hang from haphazardly stuck on pins. He ignores the tutoring offers and the part time jobs scams, his main focus is almost always on the center of the board where they post the upcoming musical theatre production and eventually, the cast list.

This semester, the chosen production is La La Land and Jaehyun has been dead set on landing the role of Sebastian Wilder. He stays back extra late each day to practice the script and to work on his singing and annunciation.

On the day of the audition, he’s sure he’s nailed it and thinks to himself the world must be ending if he weren’t to get the leading role.

When he leaves the auditorium in a rush, excitement flows through his veins and he drinks in the night air as a toast of victory. He’s tipsy on his excitement and wants to laugh out loud, but in the corner of his vision, he sees you. Your eyes light up the sight up, outshining the moon and the stars, but your visage does not elicit the reaction he thinks it should. He expects his heart to swell and burst, but somehow he feels heavy.

He pulls you in for a hug and a quick kiss to quell his weighted heart, but he thinks he’s starting to sink so he calls you off for the night. He’ll see you next time.

Yeah, next time will be better.

You’re snuggled up close and personal on Jaehyun’s chest. Jaehyun notices you fill every nook and cranny of his being perfectly to a tee, and yet that feeling. It’s there again.

Jaehyun feels off.

You laugh at something one of the characters say and you cuddle harder into him. He feels heavy again and it makes his throat itch, so he swoops down and captures your lips.

It’s hard and fast to scrub away at his uneasiness and before he knows it, his clothes are missing, but so are yours. The foreplay is brief and almost impersonal, but he doesn’t care. He just needs to be inside you.

When Jaehyun has you begging and writhing, he feels like the world is where it should be. No longer is he living at a slight angle when he’s buried to the hilt inside your warmth, so when he sees you, he does what he can to get you out of your pants.

Today is no different from any other.

After a satisfying session you roll on his chest. Your kiss is soft and sweet despite the sweat that covers both of your bodies. He hums quietly as he taps melodies on along your exposed spine.

“Jaehyun?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I love you.”

Ah. Jaehyun thinks he’s getting it now, why he’s feeling off.

Jaehyun thinks he’s being suffocated.

To the surprise of no one, and especially not to him, Jaehyun gets the leading role of Sebastian Wilder in La La Land. He was a shoe-in for it anyway and he made sure to put in the work to get it.

His leading lady is someone by the name of Park Sooyoung, but at the first rehearsal she introduces herself as Joy.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She offers her hand out in a friendly greeting. “Here’s to a successful show together, Jaehyun.”

Her smile is blinding and he thinks Joy is a fitting name. He grasps her outstretched hand, grip firm and sure.

“Yeah,” he smiles back. “Here’s to a good show together.”

Rehearsals span over blurred minutes and long hours.

Jaehyun sees less and less of you and spends more and more time with her.

During a quick water break, he scans his phone briefly to see a text notification from you. He takes another swig of water and returns to the rehearsal.

It’s okay, he can always text you back later.

9. Before U Go - TVXQ!

letting go.

“I will leave now.”

“Come on!” You tug both Mark and Yeri along excitedly. “I want to get good seats.”

Yeri rolls her eyes, but obliges anyway, pulling Mark along. It’s opening night for Jaehyun’s big musical and you wanted to be there no matter what to support him. Johnny, Doyoung, Taeyong, Sicheng, and Seulgi are already inside waiting and you’re not sure if they were able to save the three of you a spot.

After a long chat with Yeri, you apologized profusely to her. You did get blinded by your relationship with him and prioritized him over everything, forgetting your friends and other responsibilities in the process. Yeri forgave you easily and helped keep you in line when you went to head over heels for Jaehyun.

However, after patching things up with Yeri, you begin to notice a shift in your relationship with Jaehyun’s. You’re not quite sure how to describe it, but it almost feels like a distance almost.

You chalk it up to his busy rehearsal schedule and choose not to dwell on the topic, in fears of your wandering imagination. It should be fine. After his musical is over, he’ll be less busy and things will fall back into place.

Right?

“Over here!” Seulgi waves over excitedly.

The auditorium is starting to fill up and you want to get comfortable before the show starts.

Everyone greets each other in hushed tones and soon enough, the show starts.

Right. Everything will be fine.

Jaehyun does amazing.

Your eyes are trained on him the whole time and his singing has goosebumps pricking your skin. You can see the passion pour through him every time he’s on stage and you couldn’t be more proud.

A nagging feeling at the pit of your stomach points out the undeniable chemistry between him and his co-star, but you push it deep down and suppress it.

They’re actors, and they’re good at what they do.

Yeah. They’re just acting. Yeah. Acting.

When the curtains close, you’re the first to shoot out of your seat, eager to meet him backstage. You weave through the endless crowd of people, murmuring your ‘sorry’s’ and ‘excuse me’s’ as you pass by. You reach the base of the backstage and shoot a message to let him know you’re waiting. You hum to yourself when you happen to overhear a conversation playing out.

“You did so good, Jae.”

“No, you definitely carried the show.”

You turn up and you see them. Her eyes are almost soft and loving as she pulls your boyfriend in for a hug. They linger in the embrace longer than necessary and you clear your throat to catch his attention.

He jolts just the slightest bit when he sees you and immediately lets her go.

“Everyone’s waiting,” you say quietly.

“Okay,” he nods. “Let me go get my stuff in the back.”

Jaehyun leaves the two of you alone and you wait for him to get back.

When you leave, he waves goodbye to her and she smiles back.

Jaehyun’s celebration party is rowdy, but it’s to be expected when Johnny is the one hosting.

He books a table at the local club and even orders bottle service. The eight of you work your way through two whole bottles of tequila and are already on your third. Jaehyun is downing the shots at a quicker pace than usual and you’re a bit concerned, but you’re unable to say anything because when you try, he whisks himself away to the dance floor and strikes up a conversation with someone else.

You’re perturbed, but you say nothing. This is his celebration night and he can choose to enjoy it how he wishes.

By the end of the night, Jaehyun is noticeably drunk and you haul him outside to get a breath of fresh air in hopes of sobering up. He’s heavy, but you make it out the side door. You prop him up on your side as you lean on the grimy brick walls.

Months have passed and the weather is chilly.

Jaehyun’s body sways and he murmurs something in your ear. You don’t catch it the first time, the overwhelming smell of tequila overtaking your senses.

“What was that?”

He grumbles beneath his breath, steps staggering once more. He tries again, this time his words are crisp and clear and they cut into you in more ways than one.

“I think we should end it.”

For someone so drunk, he sounds so sober.

You’re at a loss for words. A part of you knew this was coming from his lack of enthusiasm around you and his decreased texts. Even the cold night air couldn’t keep your heartbreak at bay. You say nothing, but you understand the both of you knew it was a silent agreement.

You breathe out wisps of chilled air as Jaehyun’s inebriated body stays slumped over on your side.

You volunteer to take Jaehyun home.

You tuck him gently in bed making sure to prop him on his side in case he vomits during the night. You pour a glass of water and place an ibuprofen on his nightstand drawer for him in the morning.

You kiss him on the forehead one last time. You hope it conveys all of the things brewing in your heart at the moment, but you know it doesn’t.

Later, you leave his apartment with all of your belongings that you ever left there with the stars as your witness.

You never return to his place again.

10. Coffee Shop by B.A.P

what could’ve been.

“So without knowing, like a habit, I came here.”

Jaehyun wakes up to an empty bed.

Morning sunlight streams through his blinds and burns at his skin as a sign to get ready for the day. He blinks the drowsiness from his system and stretches his weary joints before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

On his rare day offs, he allows his body to go on auto-pilot. He completely shuts his brain off and allows it to do whatever it chooses.

Today, it takes him back to the cafe.

His body knows where it’s going before it registers in his mind.

The barista manning the order counter is different, but the decorations are the same, still the same succulents hanging from the ceilings. He mulls over the menu and goes up to order.

“Can I get an iced caramel latte?” Jaehyun doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but he’s feeling nostalgic today.

“Of course! Here’s your total.”

He pays with a swipe of his card and the barista goes to work making his drink. He waits around by the counter and soon enough, his drink is ready. That particular table is empty, so he grabs a chair to sit. His first sip is overly saccharine, but he appreciates how the flavor mellows out by the end of it.

It’s been nearly a year since that night.

Jaehyun remembers waking up to a splitting headache and a dry mouth. He thought nothing of the prepared setup as he gulps the ibuprofen and the glass of water in one go. Nothing seemed amiss really until a few days later.

No one mentioned your name around him and he caught Seulgi giving him a look every now and then. Mark didn’t say much either, but Jaehyun felt him drifting away.

He thought he’d feel a lot more, but he didn’t. One day you were a part of his life and then the next day you weren’t. It really was that simple.

He kept in contact with Joy even after La La Land was over and maybe they were something more, but it didn’t last longer than a few weeks.

It didn’t feel right when he was with her. Again, something felt off, but a different kind of off.

Joy was the one to end things with him, but he didn’t mind too much.

He filled his days with study and practice and it wasn’t until he landed a job at his local theatre company that he realized.

It was you. It was always you and perhaps it still is you.

Maybe you were different. Maybe you were the one, but Jaehyun didn’t try.

He recalls feeling smothered. You were always there at the beginning, but he took that for granted.

There are a lot of things he regrets, but above all, he regrets not talking with you. He regrets not trying to work on it. He regrets being a coward and running away at the first signs of true emotions.

You weren’t perfect, but neither was he, but he should’ve stayed so the both of you could work it out together. Jaehyun always did take too long to find the courage to pursue what he wanted.

With a final sip, he finishes the drink and moves to throw it away. Then, he sees you. Here, in the flesh, in almost a year.

Your hair is longer, but your cheeks are still as rosy as ever. You walk up to order and Jaehyun thinks it’s a sign. He moves to greet you, but the doors open again and in walk Yeri and Seulgi. He watches you greet them warmly with wide open arms.

You always did give the best hugs.

Jaehyun watches the three of you chatter away and he feels acutely out of place in the little cafe. You look happy and he should move on.

He throws his finished cup in the trash can and moves to exit through the side door, but he moves too slowly.

“Jaehyun, is that you?” You call out. He looks into your steady gaze and almost feels shy.

“Yeah,” he’s quiet. “It’s been awhile.”

“It has,” you agree. “You look well.”

The smile you give him has him believing in second chances and maybe he’ll get it right this time.

Note: i am so sorry that the second part is a hot mess express smh… there were a lot of things i planned and intended that didn’t happen, but i’ll just take this as a learning experience and write and better story next time. thanks for taking the time to read this !! <3

masterlist.

#nctcreations #cznnet #neowritingsnet #jaehyun scenario #jaehyun fanfic #jaehyun smut #jaehyun angst #jaehyun fluff #nct scenario #nct fanfic #nct smut #nct angst #nct fluff

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jaeminscoffee · 4 years

Text

Apologize | L. Hc

Pairing- Lee Haechan x reader

Genre- Initial angst, smut

Word count- 5.54k

Warning(s)- thick skinned oc, ego problems, argument, Hyuck almost hit's Y/n, angry/rough yet slow sex, riding, orgasm control, stern and slight brat tamer!hyuck, overstimulation. Lmk if i missed out any.

Synopsis- Why do you have to apologize when clearly Lee Haechan is to be blamed too?

Awkward.

That's how you'd coin the atmosphere around you and your boyfriend the past dating weeks.

Guilty.

That's how you'd felt ever since the day you'd decided to act out. For being a hypocrite and for being a pain in the ass.

Embarrassed.

That's how you'd felt after realising that you'd lashed out on him for no rational reason. For losing your temper at him hanging out with a female who'd coincidentally been your rival. She loved him, and god knows if she still does.

Worried.

You're anxious that your pettiness would drive him away from you to someone better, possibly the said rival and so you're worried.

But would you want to play the saint's role and go apologize? No.

You can't, not while knowing what his reaction would be. Knowing Lee Donghyuck, he'd get cocky. He'll do anything and everything in his power to indulge you in embarrassment. Guilt trip you a while later and demand you'd be a good girl from then forth. Why would you want to do that? Come to think of it, he's one to be in fault too.

Knowing full well that you'd have a distaste towards Lena, Donghyuck should've known better than publicise the fact that he'd openly hung out with his girlfriend's rival.

He owes you an apology too when you word it that way.

Haechan's mood can be summarized in three words, confused, frustrated and disappointed.

You are the only one glowing in his eyes and he made sure you'd know that. And for someone like him being treated with such disrespect, he was fuming.

It's not that he intentionally went ahead and planned a hangout with Lena, it just so coincidentally happened that one of his groupmate's her boyfriend, so meeting her was inevitable and Haechan was more than ready to explain it to you, in a calm, civil manner.

But you just won't listen.

Not to mention the holiday you'd planned all over last week for a road trip with the gang now seems to be the last thing on his mind now when that was the same thing he'd been so hyped up about.

You just had to spoil it all for him.

That explains why Haechan's furiously throwing his clothes into the baggage in order to calm down before whatsoever he's about to face while planning out a strategy to talk things out with you before the trip.

Surely, his ego's too big to apologize that quick but at the same time, he wasn't petty enough to spoil the atmosphere during the trip, the gang didn't deserve that.

And so with one last cloth thrown into his luggage, he seals the zip and grabs his car keys from the side table with a new-found determination to resolve the conflict before the traveling that's going to take place in three hours to four from now.

Haechan's going to make it right and he'd make sure of it.

You weren't expecting Haechan's visit at the same time you aren't shocked that he's entered your private space with no prior notice, you'd given him the spare keys afterall.

"Y/n, we need to talk"

You hear him close behind you but you pay no mind, continuing to walk back and forth from your wardrobe to your bed, where your package lay spread out, folded in a neat manner and ready to be put inside the luggage you'd get along for your vacation later that evening.

"Y/n, I said we need to talk." Haechan says with a lot more sternness than before, his voice octaves lower than his usual bubbly voice.

"I think the talking can wait until later, Donghyuck." you reply with a flat tone, calling out his governmental name in order to irk him up.

"No it can't. Speak it out, love. Let's resolve this now" He reached out to hold your forearm to turn you around so that you're facing him, the look of distaste on your face adding up to his rotten mood.

"What's there to talk about, Hyuck? I'd told you time and time again that i don't like you around her and what do you do? Go hang out with her! Oh to have a boyfriend who actually listens to you" you peel yourself away from him as though his touch disgusts you.

It didn't.

It's just the courage that you'd gathered up to make sure you'd ask for forgiveness on call before the trip was all thrown out of the window due to Haechan's surprise visit. With him in front of you right now, you could do nothing but blurt out the words coming up first without censoring it and you were aware of that.

That Haechan's ready to put up a fight.

"She just so happened to be in the group, Y/n i told you that a hundred times already"

"And she just so happened to be the same person who'd been nothing but rude to me because you chose me over her, totally understandable" you reply in sarcasm.

"What do you expect me to do then? Ask Sungchan not to bring her along?" He replied with the same venomous tone you carried, slowly growing tired of this pointless argument.

"No, Haechan. I would've appreciated it if you'd come and told me yourself that she was there! I hate that I had to find it out from Jaemin who didn't even know I was kept in the dark from that information! That made me feel like I knew little to nothing about you!"

"You know that's not true, princess.." Haechan answered with a softer tone, feeling guilty at the fact that your voice had grown smaller and smaller with each passing word.

"I do not know what's true at this point, Hyuck. I don't even know if you love me enough to let me what's going on in your life at this point."

"Don't cross the line, Y/n."

His voice goes back to the sternness it first carried as a warning. Getting mad at him for not informing you things is one but questioning his love was another. That's not a topic up for speaking.

No one can question his feelings, which is so genuine that if a stranger were to walk past the couple you two make they'd know from the first look that Haechan's head over heels for you. He'd kill anyone for you, that's how much he loves you.

"I'm crossing the line? Me? Are you sure, Donghyuck? Because from how I remember it, you did it the first time by hanging out with your girlfriend's enemy without her knowing! Do you even know what would've been my possible thought process at that time?" You ask furiously,

Haechan was dubious to pose out an answer, so he just let you continue your rant.

"Do you know how i felt when i saw the story you'd put up with her right next to you being all clingy? How I felt when you didn't pick up my calls or reply back to my texts when I tried reaching out for some sort of assurance that whatever you have with her is platonic and that you're still mine? How i felt when Jaemin was going on about how much she'd been laughing at all you were doing and how you'd enjoyed the reaction?" Your voice quivers the more you continue.

"The answer is no. You don't know anything so just, stop trying to spoil this trip for me and let's take a break. We need it."

"Break?" Haechan inquires with extreme shock evident in his voice.

"Yes, a break. Maybe that'll help you realise who you actually have feelings for."

"Y/n that is so uncalled for, you're making a mountain out of a molehill! Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" You flinch at the sudden raise in his voice which had your knees buckle due to the loudness, which, for that matter, you'd heard only once before when you were being careless with dangerous kitchen tools.

"This is a whole load of bullshit, doll. Do you not trust me enough?" Haechan nears you, his voice dropping low due to frustration, hurt, and disbelief. He'd never seen you be this petty before.

You back away with each of his step forward, "Maybe I don't! Which is why i think i deserve a bre-"

"Come again?" He strides closer, his gaze growing darker, more stern, angry, with each step. In an utter furious state as you for starters, were questioning his feelings. And now had been questioning your trust for him.

"I said I don't know if I trust you enough now, Haechan! I'm telling you i need a brea-"

"Enough!" He took one last step and you'd had no space between you and him, with the wall behind you acting as a barrier to block you from escaping.

The sudden act of force posed to your body by Haechan practically slamming you onto the wall made your back and the back of your head hurt from the impact, and a groan escapes your lips, but all the softness was long gone from Haechan's features as he didn't show any signs of inquiring if you're okay or not.

No.

He seemed like he would murder you if you'd dare speak up now. You'd successfully pushed his last button.

"You're being over dramatic, darling. One, don't act as though you've never hung out with the guys I'd specifically asked you not to. Two, yes, i hung out with her and so what? Was it a date? Was I the only one there alongside her? No. It was a group meeting that, for a matter of fact, I'd invited you to join but what did you do? You said you didn't want to tag along."

"What's gotten into you, doll. You've never reacted this way before" Haechan reaches out to caress your cheeks, which made you flinch at the contrast of his actions, his words and his expression at that point of time.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you." You don't. Which resulted in him harshly grabbing your chin, tilting it up to see a slight quiver on your lips.

"And speak up. You seemed to have a lot to question just a moment ago, what happened now?" See, this is exactly what you hated. That one way or the other, he'd have you cornered, feeling small with him clearly making it evident who has the upper hand.

"Nothing, Haechan. Nothing happened. I did have a lot to question and i still do, don't think i'd get scared of you by you acting all barks and no bites. I still need a fucking break why don't you understa-!"

The grip he had on your chin tightened, his other hand raised in reflex, hovering in the air as though it's ready to strike you any minute.

"Know your limits, Y/n. This is pointless and if you're still sane enough to be considered the Y/n i started dating then you'd know you're being irrational and it's starting to fuck me up."

"And? You're going to hit me for that? You think i'm not the Y/n you started dating? You're no less than me, Donghyuck!" You try pushing at his shoulders in order to create space, that only makes Haechan drop his hands from your chin to your hands, pinning it to the walls, hard enough to prevent any movement.

"I'm not going to hit you, doll. You know that." Haechan sighs.

"Do i? Do I really?" You're practically shaking part from fear, part from anxiousness and part from the fact that you know you're making things harder to settle down.

"I'm telling you, it was nothing but a harmless hangout and I'm sorry for not letting you know, but..can we just move on? Forget this? This is so pointless."

"Must be pointless enough for you, Hyuck. Not for me. I mean it when i say i need a fucking break or else I'll make shit even worse. I'm heading over to Jeno's, meet you at the campsite." You jerk yourself away from Haechan's vice grip. Giving him one last look with those broken eyes of yours, you head over to your luggage and grab it, before heading out of the door in a quick movement, preventing Haechan from even blurting out the first syllable of your name.

When he hears the door slam all the way from the living room, he loses it.

"Goddammit, why did you decide to act up now of all times."

You're actually happy the group is big enough to take two travel vehicles because you didn't bump into Haechan after that heated argument you had back at the apartment.

You, Jeno, Jaemin, Mark and Jisung went out in one car while Renjun, Chenle, Shotaro Haechan and Sungchan followed close behind in the second vehicle.

You'd almost completely forgotten about all that took place with the guys constantly cracking out jokes, lame one considering Jeno, Mark and Jisung's dynamic had been put together to make this really chaotic, pointless yet hilarious conversations.

"No, dude literally. Sung has a point! Waffles literally are just pancakes with abs-Y/n stop giving me that look" Mark tries justifying.

"Mark, you're making my head hurt please stop." Jeno lets out a sneer from the driver's seat while Jaemin, who's seated beside you, pats your head in pity. "I go through this all day every day, love. You'll get used to it eventually. If you don't, though, we'll plan a strategy to just lock Mark up in a freezer or something."

"Seems like a plan to me" you shrug at Jaemin, leaning down to rest your head on his shoulder as your neck had started to cramp from the funny positions you'd craned it in to get into a comfortable position.

Jaemin welcomed you with a gleeful squeak, pulling you closer by snaking his hands between your body and the seat to wrap it around your waist which only made things more comfortable for you.

A tiny nap before the actual escapade wouldn't hurt now, would it?

"Guys! Chenle's on facetime! Say hiiii!" you hear Jisung say in a sing-song voice, but you did nothing to get up to greet the lad, instead snuggling closer to Jaemin when you felt his other hand come up to your head and thread through the tresses. You let out a sound of appreciation which made Jaemin's chest rumble from the chuckle he'd let out.

"Oh man! I wanted to show Y/n this cool beetle we caught."

Haechan, already sour from the incidents prior, had been uncharacteristically quiet. When inquired about he'd say "Ah, i didn't sleep at all last night so I'm feeling a little blue". The boys had granted him permission to just recharge and sit back while they made the road trip spicy.

Obviously, Chenle wanted to show off to his best friend that he could still be the life of the party with or without Jisung's presence and so decided to facetime the guy.

Curiosity strikes Haechan at the sound of the younger's idea and sits up straight in order to look into Chenle's screen while still making sure he is out of the frame.

"Y/n's asleep?" Renjun inquires from Chenle's other side, peeping into whatever's being displayed on the screen. The image of you all cuddled up with Jaemin filling it up.

Haechan could do nothing about it, other than fume silently in anger while the guys coo at your cuteness, "You need to wake her up soon though, we're 5 minutes away from the cabins," Sungchan says from the driver's seat.

"I'll just carry her out, I'm pretty sure I'll be sent to the depths of tartarus if I woke up this sleeping beauty. " Jaemin hushes with a lopsided grin and Haechan well, seemed like he'd rupture any moment.

Hypocrite.

You'd woken up minutes before reaching the destination due to the rocky ride.

Jeno had decided to derail at the last minute, exclaiming he'd found a shortcut to the place when in all reality, it was a longer route. You weren't complaining though.

The view change definitely helped you calm your wits, almost as though you never were in a bad mood so you'd decided to leave that behind for your city life and just decided to go with the flow of nature from this point forward.

And you'd only silently hoped your boyfriend would've been doing the same.

"You okay, princess?" you snap your head to look at Jaemin who'd broken you out of your trance. "Yeah, why'd you ask?" you reply, smiling at him.

"You seemed a little lost..?" he states almost as though questioning himself whether they're the right choice of words. "Oh? I guess I'm just in awe of the view, it's ethereal" you look out of the window once again, Jaemin following you suit.

"You're in awe of the view when you get to see yourself in the mirror everyday? Wow." Jaemin smiles at you with a teasing glint evident on his face.

"Yo if Haechan would've been here you'd be spitting out your death rights" Jeno voices out with a chuckle. "Nah, Y/n would stop him from murdering me, I've got free will" Jaemin replies, shooting you a wink.

You smile at their tactics with a shake of your head and just hope to spread this same joy to Haechan, and apologize, and get it over with, just like how he'd wanted. You're thankful to have this time off from him, the boys helping you unknowing of your fight with Haechan.

You're going to make this right.

Sungchan and team reached first a few minutes away from the campsite near to where the cabins were located, oblivious to the fact that you guys had derailed.

Haechan hadn't spoken a word ever since he saw his girlfriend all over his best friend, much to Renjun's dismay.

Renjun didn't bother inquiring though, no matter how enthralled he'd been, he kept quiet to himself because from the looks of Haechan's face, there is a high chance that his neck would be snapped if he tried talking to the lad.

Haechan still didn't utter a word even while helping unload the trunk as he'd not want to come of as a useless ticking time bomb so he decided to power work and lend an extra hand, also being the first to stomp his way towards the cabin he'd be sharing with you, mindful to not lock it incase you'd arrive.

Oh now you owe him an apology, alright.

You'd reached not that long after the first group of guys.

You were a little disappointed that the pretty motions of the trees flying past you had come to a static. But nevertheless, content at the sight of nature all surrounding you.

You make your way towards the cabin you'd be residing in after the guys constantly insisting that they do not need your help and that you deserve to rest up.

You open the door without thinking much, a smile of bliss apparent on your face only for it to morph into a petrified look at the sudden moment of you being pulled into the room and the door aggressively being slammed shut. "Ah!"

"Did you have fun?" You open your eyes to see Haechan, a little too intimidating for you to keep an eye contact, talk to you with a smirk on his face.

"I asked did you have fun, doll face, i need my answer to that" his other hand comes up to your cheeks, caressing it just like how he'd done this morning, this time, with much more softness that before which had a sick feeling boil up at the pit of your stomach.

"H-huh?" you question, genuinely confused on what he's talking about.

"Was it fun having full attention of your boyfriend's best friend? Was it fun throwing yourself completely at him? Hm?" His gaze darkens, scaring you a little, "Haechan what are you on-"

"Save it. Strip."

Haechan orders while walking away towards the bed after making sure he'd shut the bolt tight to prevent anyone from barging in.

He seats himself down dead in the middle of the bed, waiting for you to comply with a raise of his eyebrows. "Hyuck, let's talk this-"

"Talking things out with you had never been an option, love. I need to show you who's in charge here all over again. So, be quick, strip before i do it myself." His voice carried a threatening tone to it, which stopped from rebelling against his words, knowing you'd just be digging your own grave then.

You slowly reach out to the buttons of your shirt with trembling hands, unbuttoning them one after the other at your own pace which seemed to slow for Haechan. "Faster. Leave the skirt on."

Haechan puts out his next order, leaning forward to rest his elbows over his knees, his eyes following the moment of your hands which were now tugging your shirt away from your body.

"Oh, Y/n..You were all over Jaemin, your body flush against his when you'd worn no fucking bra inside the shirt?" oh no..

"Drop to your knees."

"Hyuck, listen to-"

"I'd not talk if i were you, darling. Do not fucking speak unless spoken to or you're just going to make things worse for yourself. Drop." He said with a lot more sternness and venom, the tone in his voice almost making it seem like he's disgusted with your entire being.

Oh how the tables have turned.

You do as he said and drop to your knees, not caring of the fact of how your knees scrape against the wooden tiles. "Crawl up to me."

You don't fight it, your entire being wanting to shrink and just disintegrate into dust from all the embarrassment you're being put through which, weirdly, only added to the growing arousal between your legs.

You slowly crawl up to him, not too slowly, being mindful not to piss him off any further. The uncomfortable feeling on your knees and the stickiness gathering on your panties were given a blind eye as your main goal remained to not tick Haechan off anymore.

"Good girl.. So you can follow orders when asked to, huh?" you somehow managed to make out that he wasn't really posing the question at you so you decide to stay silent, eyes on his shoes and your hands on your knees.

If you were to describe the look Haechan carried the exact moment with you kneeled down in front of him, you'd describe it as one that the hunter carries while his prey falls right into his trap. You felt small.

"Look at me, doll" He leans forward further as you silently look up at him.

A fond smile makes its way onto Haechan's features at your subtle innocence. He reaches out to grip your chin in a firm yet soft grip, tilting your head further up. "How pretty.."

His palm engulfs your entire face as you lean into his warmth, forgetting ever so slightly about the grave trouble you'd gotten yourself in. His fingers trail up the side of your face, the thumb soothing your lips. A firm press following right after in a silent order, you comply.

You open your mouth a little wide for Haechan to slip his digits in, which he does. You raise your gaze higher to look at him before wrapping your lips around his fingers, sucking it as though your life depends on it.

"It's a pity I have to ruin you so that you'd know just how bad you've been." he growls, pulling you up with a sharp tug of your chin as you lift yourself off the ground and onto Haechan's lap while he crashes his lips on yours.

You let out a whimper as the rushed kiss you two share, your hands finding home at Haechan's shoulder to keep yourself anchored, only for him to grab both your hands and lock it behind your back with his own.

The kiss is messy, very sloppy, rushed and anyone crazy enough to be watching it would know who has the upper hand as Haechan lowers his lips to your jaw, scattering red-purple marks all over. His free hand goes up to your hair, brushing the strands out of the way in a very contrasting manber from his roughness at your jaw.

He makes a makeshift ponytail out of your hair and yanks it back hard enough to expose more of the neck as you let out a sound of pain. "Haechan, slow down p-.. Please" you whine out

"Don't fucking tell me what to do, love." He bites particularly hard at your soft spot, making you bite down hard on your lips to stop any extremely loud, pornographic sounds from escaping your throat.

Haechan wasn't having any of that bullshit.

With a swift move, you're under him. Your panties are long thrown somewhere behind your boyfriend, your skirt still in place but lifted up to your torso to expose your glistening flower to him.

You felt helpless.

All exposed to him, all worked up from just a short make out, eyes blown out from pleasure and neediness. You must've looked pathetic in his eyes.

"Please.." you beg for nothing in particular, just getting the sudden feeling to be Haechan's good little girl else he would snatch away all your source of pleasure with just a blink of his eyes.

"Hm? Please what, darling?" His fingers graze over your wetness, letting out a smug 'tsk' as your essence spread all over his fingers.

"Pl-please!" you choke out and the feeling of his warmness touching you where you needed him the most, slightly embarrassed at how sensitive you'd gotten just from a little manhandling from his end.

"Go further than just a mere please, Y/n. Or is it that you're already too far gone to say shit that's coherent?" he thumbs at your clit with all the wetness that's collected.

"Good. I like you just like that. Dumb, needy and an obedient little girl. Will you be nice throughout your punishment and not make it harder for the both of us, love?"

You moan out in reply when you feel a slender finger of his slip into your hole with ease. "Yes! Yes, I'll be good, just please.." you whine in submission. "Please don't stop.." you become breathless pretty quick.

"Oh I won't, doll face. Don't worry about that." Haechan states as though he has something planned for you, which is part true. But he also wouldn't dare stop as he watches your expressions morph into a state of bliss.

"Haechan..!" you jolt when he inserts a second finger, picking up speed, which pulled you dangerously close to your first high.

"Oh my? Cumming already? I thought you were better than this, babe" He talks as though he isn't just drilling his digits into your wetness.

The adding of pressure on your clit was the last string to topple you over to the edge, your hips lifting high off the bed, eyes screwed shut as you indulge yourself in pleasure, only for you to choke out a cry when you feel Haechan throw a hand over your hip, pinning to the bed, his head now between your legs, lapping out the last bits of your orgasm.

"Hyuck, wait! I'm sensitive!" you reach out to place your hand on top of his head, not sure whether you want to pull him closed or tug his head away.

You feel his lips form a smirk, his free hands moving down to insert digits in you while his tongue worked magic on your clit.

"That's the point, darling. Now stay put or I'll make sure you come more than just twice."

You pull yourself out of your dilemma and tug him closer, hearing him mumble out a "good girl" against your clit.

There's something so sinful about the squelching sounds of his fingers driving in and out of you, the way he laps at your clit, making sure to slurp all your essence up which had the knot tighten at the bottom of your stomach once again. "Close again?"

"Uh-huh!" you let out in a screechy voice that would've had you cringing if you weren't so far gone into pleasure. You hear a growl from below you, the last anchor being left off the hook.

"Good, let go for me."

And you oblige. You twitch in overstimulation as Haechan slurps up your essence all over again, leaving you drained, tired and twitching beneath him.

Haechan pulls himself up once he's satisfied enough, his chin glistening, a lopsided grin present on his face, "Taste yourself for me" He mutters quickly before clashing his lips onto yours while he keeps himself hoisted with one hand, the other working on removing his jeans.

He shifts your position again after quickly making a move of discarding his shirt across the room, leaving him to be as bare as you.

Haechan pulls you up, making you sit up as he watches you basically drool over his shaft, his smirk only growing wider with pride. "Hungry for more, babe?"

You nod enthusiastically, not trusting your voice. And you thank the lords as Haechan didn't force you to speak up this time, "Then you have to work for it, darling. Go ahead, ride me."

You waste no time and get to work, shocking both yourself and the lad at your tireless nature as you pump him a few times before aligning his member along your entrance, you don't plan on going slow as you just sit yourself down, engulfing him completely inside you, earning a satisfied groan from Haechan.

Haechan brings his hands to rest them upon your hips as you slowly lift yourself up once again, reaching out to hold his shoulder for support before easing down, you feel his thighs twitch underneath you.

"Oh love, you're amazing" Haechan praises you as you bounce to keep the motion going, picking up the pace to make him feel better as his fingers dig into your sides.

"Hyuck.."

You soon grow tired though, your legs giving out from tiredness, causing you to slow down, "Hyuck, i can't.. I-i'm tired" you almost let out a sob.

"Aw my, my poor baby.. Too bad, i can't help you here, love. Work for the pleasure, work to please me, come on, don't disappoint me all over again, doll"

You let out an actual cry out of desperation, using the last bit of strength you could muster up to keep the action going, gasps and breaths of exasperation leaving you with each bounce.

The look of complete submission, wanting to please him and determination made Haechan growl as he feels you clenching around his members, making him unintentionally buck his hips up to meet your hips in the middle, earning a yelp from you.

"Haechan, I'm close..pl-please" you cry out louder with each of yours and Haechan's hip moment, the melanin of his skin covered in sweat, glistening in the dimly lit cabin, his face morphed into that of utter bliss and the sinful sounds he let out makes you grow frantic.

"I can feel it, darling. I can feel it. I'm close too. Let go for me"

You cum with a loud cry, as your actions seize up completely to help you calm down. You jump when you feel his palm come in contact with your ass,

"I asked you to cum, baby. Not to stop. Keep moving just a little bit more, I'm almost there" He growls at you, both his hands finding refuge on your ass.

"I can't, I really can't! Hyuck,-" You cry out real cries, fresh tears falling out,

"Move." Haechan commands paying no attention to your pleas. After all, this is your punishment.

You bounce up slowly again, your entire lower body protesting in pain, as you sob, working up the heat beneath once again.

The sight Haechan got pulled him ridiculously close to his high, your hair disheveled, tears running down your face, sobs leaving your throat as you try your hardest to keep moving.

Haechan wanted you to come one last time..

So the moment he felt himself twitch inside you, he removes one hand from your bottom and brings it to rub your clit in rapid motions. You're sensitivity getting the best of you as you drop down on him completely with a cry loud enough you're pretty sure the others heard you.

You both end together, with a loud growl escaping Haechans throat as he lazily thrusts up to ride his high out, immediately stomping when he hears your cries and how you've shut your legs tightly close

"It's okay, it's over, baby, you did so well.." he's quick to pull you into a warming embrace, cooing at you, wiping your tears away.

He doesn't speak up for a while, humming soft tunes to calm you down.

"Hyuck.. Listen I'm sorry-" you start with a hoarse voice.

"Shh, no. You don't have to apologize for anything, just rest up, hm? I'll wake you up before dinner"

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oh-writing-my-writing · 3 years

Text

sastiel, 1.2k, fluff ~ for @moostiel ♡

Sam wakes up to a sensation of closeness, warmth, and the unfamiliar feeling of fingers stroking his hair - a combination that would’ve lulled him back to sleep immediately, had a voice not interrupted his gentle reverie.

“Sam,” It’s Cas. Above, under and around him. A strange thing to think, but it feels correct. “Go back to sleep.”

Sam blinks, the haze of sleep fast fading.

“It’s still night.” Cas insists, and Sam can just about make out the indignance in his voice. Sleep-rumpled and bleary, it confuses him. “Four more hours, Sam, please. Go back to sleep.”

This time, his words actually register, and instinctively Sam cranes his neck to look at his alarm clock. It had taken a few months but they’d gotten used to not relying on a sunshiney wakeup call — living underground and all that. No suns knocking on your window and peeping through the drapes to confirm your resident angel’s claims, no sir.

But today, there’s no clock either. Just like there isn’t a bedside table.

Just like this isn’t Sam’s room.

“Dude!” Sam yelps, completely awake the second the shock settles in. (That's just the way it works.)

Wide-eyed, he takes in his surroundings - Cas’s trenchcoat slung over a chair, Cas’s chair, Cas’s chest of (mostly empty) drawers, and what can only be summarized as Cas’s room. And it’s an easy road from making that out, to making it to the source of Cas’s voice — Cas — above him, as earlier bizarrely suspected.

It’s an angle Sam’s never seen Cas from before - the little dimple in his chin as clear as the day-old stubble he wears eternally, black hair sticking out like it’s at war with itself as usual, and a minorly affronted frown tugging on the corners of his lips, wrong side up from where Sam's looking.

It’s — well, it’s kind of a nice angle.

Shit.

And maybe Sam isn’t completely up yet, because he finds himself distracted way too easily by the brand new perspective he gets of Cas’s wonky tie, and Cas's neck, and -

“Sam.” Cas repeats.

With a jolt, Sam’s up, heat rising in his cheeks as he finishes piecing the rest of the picture together. The hand in his hair, the warmth of his pillow, that feeling you get when you're being held, and the way he can see Cas’s Adam's apple bob when he speaks.

Holy shit.

He’d fallen asleep on Cas’s lap.

“C-Cas.” Sam stammers out, blushing furiously now.

Cas, inevitably, makes for a complete contrast to the way he feels right now — severely underdressed in his (still too large) white shirt, and perplexed instead of offended all of a sudden, with that little crease in his forehead that he gets. “I told you to go back to sleep.”

Sam’s eyes flit to Cas’s lap at the reference of sleep, where Cas’s trousers are rumpled - Sam’s fault, holy fuck - and his hand lies on the bed where, a minute ago, Sam had been. “Dude!” He flusters, eyes shooting up immediately, meeting Cas’s. “I can’t just go back to sleep on you! I -” Sam scrubs his face, heart still racing. “I don't even know how I ended up there!”

There’s a magazine in Cas’s hand - wait, that’s the Saturday Evening Post, isn’t it - and Cas immediately shifts all of his focus onto it.

There’s something wrong.

“Hey,” Sam swallows. “What is it? Cas?”

“Well,” Cas looks up. Thankfully it’s not going to take a lot to get the truth out of Cas, because that’s his confessional I-did-what-I-had-to-do look in his eyes. Used more than once professionally, yes, but never in context of just, you know, Cas and him. Them. “You fell asleep on the map table again.”

Cas lets out a reactionary sigh as Sam freezes. “But that's in the library -”

“I carried you here.”

Jesus, if he was blushing before. “You did what — ?”

“Sam,” Cas looks down at the page, and the back up, and maybe, just maybe, there’s some pink in his cheeks too. “We’ve had this conversation before. I’ve told you it’s not good for your spine -”

“- so you picked me up -”

“- and is one of the prime causes of your sleep deprivation -”

“- and carried me across the bunker -”

“- and you need to get more sleep, so I did what I thought best -”

“- and laid me back to sleep — what, with my head in your lap?” Sam finishes, chest heaving, in disbelief. Cas - he can’t just — goddammit, he can’t just pick Sam up, can he —

“Actually,” Cas licks his lips. “You did that yourself.”

“Well,” Sam’s already begun to say before he can run it through his head a couple billion times like he tends to do with sentences when its just him, and Cas, and the end of the world is not right there. “You were still the one playing with my hair!”

“I," Cas looks truly sheepish at that, and Sam regrets it instantly. “I’m sorry. I just — I thought -”

“Cas.” Sam interrupts, well and truly operating outside of his nervous system’s reach now. His brain sort of malfunctioned at the getting-picked-up-by-Cas part, and refused to really come back. Sam can't blame it - it’s a trainwreck over here. “I didn’t mean — not like that, okay? Don't be sorry. It was — nice.”

“You liked it?”

And the tinge of hope in his tone is all Sam needs to slammed in the face with a reminder of how goddamn smitten he is.

Before he knows it, he’s ducking his head, and rubbing the back of his neck, shy. “Y-yeah. Sure.” He chances a look at Cas again, and there’s a smile there now - full-blown, with the eye crinkles and the everything, and Sam’s insides flutter a little. Butterflies, or something pretending to be them. “People like it when — when other people do that.”

“I think the other people like it too.” Cas says simply. As if Sam’s senses had needed a further push away from coherence.

“Oh.”

Cas smiles again, it’s smaller this time. (God, Cas.)

“I mean, I —” Sam stammers. “I see.”

There’s a moment of silence - or even perhaps two, with Sam staring nervously, excitedly, awkwardly at the bedsheet, and Cas looking — god knows where, but it’s not at his damn animations, and it feels a lot like it’s at Sam, though he has no idea what to do with that.

At the end of it, Cas clears his throat.

“You still need sleep.”

“I just woke up,” Sam argues.

“Sam, I know how long you were asleep. I was there.” Sam flushes at his words. "Trust me, you need more.”

Sam can’t believe he’s actually considering it - but then, he can’t believe most of what’s happening right now, so figures, he reasons - but he finds himself asking, “What about you?”

“I don't need any.” Cas returns, tilting his head.

“I know that.” Sam’s eyes flit to Cas’s again. They twinkle back at him — so, so blue. “I meant, what about you now?”

“Well,” Cas’s eyes crinkle again, and something pulls in Sam’s heart. “If you don't mind, I think I’d like both of us to return to what we were doing.”

“Cas,” Sam says, soft, and that’s all the words he can think of.

And all the words he was looking for.

“I enjoy reading these, and you,” Cas goes on, his eyes back on the magazine, and they stay there for the rest of his sentence. “You have really soft hair.”

And maybe Sam imagines it, but his cheeks are a little pink again.

So Sam bows his head again and laughs, laughs till Cas joins in with that smile of his, and he scoots on the bed until he can be pressed up by Cas's side, their legs sprawled out in front of them, and Cas can resume whatever the hell he was doing that felt so friggin' good when Sam was asleep, and it’s adorable, and it's ridiculous, and it feels exactly like the kind of thing you remember forever.

#sam later finds out it was actually seven am when he got up and cas just wanted him to get eight hours for once #he pretends to be offended at being lied to for about ten minutes #before realizing non-sleepdeprived people aren't quite as cranky #<3 #sastiel #samcas #sassy #sastiel fanfic #sam winchester #castiel #sam winchester fluff #cas fluff #oh writing my writing

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barnesandco · 3 years

Text

Little Hands (IV)

Series Masterlist

Communication is key.

This is an entry for @star-spangled-bingo 2021. Word count: 2248. Square filled: “Sung to Sleep”

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: More Hydra Evilness, More Sad Child, Parental Anxieties. Brief mentions of war, sickness, death, grief.

A/N: I know 2.2k words isn’t objectively a lot but boy did this feel like it. I hope every word is worth it and that you enjoy! Lmk what you think!!! Also I won’t even lie, the idea of Steve’s kids is 100% from one of my favorite comfort fics, family means no one gets left behind or forgotten, by the genius, the wonderful cosmicocean. IT’S SO SOFT. Pls read it.

You’re stunned when Bucky tells you what’s going on. The idea that his daughter (?) was made in a lab like some kind of experiment, and that the man who led said experiment now wants her back like she is his property, his weapon, is too horrid to consider for very long. Weaponizing an innocent child. Hydra.

Bucky gave you the broad strokes of the investigation – currently running on little more than educated guesses based on the meagre intel they have – and has let you know that he has had to recuse himself from the case, due to his… personal connection. That leaves him somewhere he finds awkward, to say the least.

It's evident in the way the corners of his lips turn down, how he is constantly rubbing the pads of his fingers against the coarse scratch of denim, while he watches Ana watch Zoya, Steve’s 17-year-old daughter, working on a tablet. Zoya tucks a strand of hair behind her hijab, then continues to draw up a storyboard, narrating the events to the younger girl. Steve had apparently forgotten the lunch his kids had made him at home, so Zoya had brought it in, and decided to stay the day.

Ana’s quiet, attentive for the most part, listening with her full capabilities, but her eyes flit away from the screen every now and then to look at you and Bucky, as if to reassure herself that you’re still there.

Besides that, there aren’t all that many distractions present for an already precocious child. Most of the team has dispersed for the investigation, with the exception of Peter, who is sat at a table in the corner making intentionally fruitless efforts at teaching Morgan chess, while she giggles and tries to stack the pieces like Jenga blocks instead.

However, Bucky’s restlessness is infectious, and you think he needs to get it under check before it grows any further. That’s why you stand, saying, “Could we go for a little walk, Bucky?”

He nods, man of few words that he is, and leads the way. You’re sure he knows that you formulated it like a request for his benefit, but he doesn’t mention it. It’s just as well – that he knows you like that, and knows when to accept the proverbial hand being offered.

Bucky takes you to a corner of the roof that you’d mistake for a community garden if you didn’t know any better. The Avengers seem to have green thumbs, or at least, a significant portion of them do. They’re good with plants, and possessive about them, too. Autumn ferns grow outside the circle they seem to have been planted in – with a sign shouting Wanda! – to invade the territory of a vegetable garden labelled Bruce (accompanied by a Hulkish, green thumbs up presumably not drawn by the man himself).

Meticulously maintained daylilies and columbines, in vivid reds and vibrant purples, litter the edges of the path that has been carved through this little paradise, and the birdhouses between them stake the claim of the owner more effectively than a neon sign screaming Sam Wilson. Bucky’s told you about his abilities, how they veer into the decidedly supernatural but Sam insists are only the residue of a childhood with homing pigeons.

Nothing here looks like Bucky’s, though. He seems to be taking it in, perhaps thinking about his own little paradise back in the city, and how he’s chosen to keep it distant from that of his teammates. That worries you. He worries you.

And this, the situation with Anastasia, becoming a father, it’s terrifying. Hell, if it scares you this much, how is he feeling? You ask him as much.

“Bucky, are you okay?”

He laughs, softly, disbelievingly, no malice in his scoff, only fear. Only the sound of a voice saturated with consternation and total, complete anxiety. “Would you be?” He asks back.

“That’s why I’m asking.”

Bucky evades the questions, turning first one way on the path, and then the other, approaching the edge clear of shrubbery and blooms alike, resting his palms on the top of the wall.

“I can’t be a father.”

The solemnity in his tone allows no room for negotiations, but then, neither do the facts. “You are,” you reply, somewhat hesitantly, because the technicalities of how Ana came to be are still a little blurry to you. She’s far from a normal child, and not quite a clone, either. She is of Bucky, though. His, in any way that counts.

“That little girl was created in a Hydra lab as a super soldier to serve the cause,” he says, shaking his head vigorously as the cause repulses him even more than it does you. “And who knows what else she was put through before SHIELD fell and Orlov got her out, and it’s my fault.”

“You didn’t—”

“I didn’t ask for it to happen but it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t happened. They used me to make a super soldier from scratch, and now I’m supposed to raise her? It’s not that simple. I’m not Steve. I can’t…”

Being honest, you feel you’re pretty far out of your depth here. But you’ve promised him your help, and you’ll do your best.

“You don’t have to. There are other options.” You’re sure you’re overstepping. Perhaps this gentle companionship has not yet reached the point where you can give advice on parenting. But if you don’t, who will? Steve, whose answers don’t enter the gray territory Bucky’s mind is residing in right now, who parents like he was born for it?

Steve chose fatherhood. Bucky has been nailed to it like it’s a new cross to bear, heavier than all the previous ones put together.

His gaze roams the grounds that stretch as far as you can see. You’re both far away from home right now, far outside your comfort zones.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into my mess, sweetheart. It’s not right. You have things to do, and I shouldn’t have—”

“Bucky, I’ve been staring at the same four sentences of dialogue for the past month. I literally could not have been happier to get out of the house. Even if I do wish it was under better circumstances,” you say fervently. You’re here because he needs you. Because Ana needs you. It’s nice to be needed.

“That’s one way to put it,” he smiles, and you’re glad to see it.

“Not to mention, it’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault except whoever your team is looking for,” you insist. “And Ana’s a sweet girl. A little quiet, but Baba says I was, too.”

This, Bucky thinks about. You wonder if he was a quiet child, too. “What’s he like?”

“Hmm?” The reverie snaps like a rubber band.

“Your father?” Bucky asks, shyly, his eyes meeting yours, letting you know exactly why he’s asking.

You look up at the clouds, think back to Boston, to time shared between the library and the park. A childhood with books, lunch breaks under a desk in an office at MIT, stealing his glasses and running away with them, rubbing at his stubbly beard like he was a housecat. Inside jokes with your father and rolled eyes with your mother. Laughter and tears, laughter with tears.

After a long while, trying and failing to summarize your father, you say, “A jokester. The most sarcastic person I know. But still kind of neurotic, to be honest. The kind of parent that makes you show up at the airport a full four hours before your flight.” It’s grossly insufficient. For a writer, you’re not very good with words. You suppose it’s not the words that are the problem; it’s the lifetime they have to encompass. “What about yours?”

Bucky sighs. “Soldier. He’s one thing I don’t feel bad for not remembering because it wasn’t Hydra that wiped those memories. He just died when I was really small. Survived the Great War only to be killed by TB a few years later at home.”

“I’m sorry.” You avert your eyes. Grief feels private, even decades later, even in the smallest doses.

He shakes his head, smiles fondly, up at the sky, too, like you did. Only, he’s smiling at it, like he’s thinking of someone beyond the clouds. “Don’t be. Was a long time ago.”

“That doesn’t mean it isn’t allowed to hurt anymore.”

“You sound like my therapist.”

“I sound like my therapist.”

At this, the two of you look at each other and burst into laughter. It feels forbidden, as though the severity of the situation condemns joy. That isn’t fair, you think. The situation is that of a child, and nobody needs laughter more than kids do. Food for the soul.

When the echo of your exhilarations falls, Bucky grows serious once more. “They have them for kids, now, too, right?” He asks, referring to therapists. “Do you think Anastasia should see one? She’s not exactly… normal, you know?”

“Maybe.” It’s a difficult question, but a good indicator of how Bucky is growing to feel about Ana. “You’d make a good dad, if you wanted to be one, Bucky,” you say, and mean it. It’s plain as day that he cares about her.

“I can’t even remember my own.”

“Parental instincts are intuitive, not genetic,” you tell him.

“You been reading handbooks?” He teases.

“You’d be surprised by how much you learn from the rabbit holes you fall down while researching books,” you deadpan.

“Can any of that research get the nightmares out of my head? I think it might scare a kid.”

The self-deprecation hurts, but your response is honest, heartfelt. “She likes you already.”

“She won’t if she thinks I’ve run away,” he answers, straightening up. He might be trying to evade the conversation, but you’ll let him, for now. He’s gotten some fresh air, had some time to clear his thoughts, or sort them, at least. And so you return, to the little girl who has a tighter grip on both of you than you even realize.

------

Ana grows unsettled as night darkens the sky. It could be the ruckus she isn’t quite used to. It could be the toy fire truck Tony has been altering with his utensils to increase its noise output, much to Morgan’s amusement. It could be the actual parrot perched on Sam’s shoulder.

Whatever the cause, she hasn’t succumbed to it enough to make a seat out of the fridge again. She’s sitting in her seat, between Bucky and yourself, eating the hummus Bruce and Wanda have made. Nat discusses sniper scopes with Clint, Peter tries to get away with eating the side of vegetables on Jordan’s plate without Steve noticing, and Bucky eats silently, eyes almost constantly on Anastasia, who takes it all in while her knee bounces up and down with an ever-increasing speed, much like her father’s.

You excuse yourselves soon after dessert, after Morgan has fallen asleep against Jordan’s arm on the couch, and Steve and Tony’s friendly debate is starting to develop the edge it tends to when they’ve been bantering for too long.

Bucky sets up on the sectional in his room, and leaves the ridiculously large double bed to you and Anastasia. It’s been a strange, strange day, and one can only hope that tomorrow brings some ease, a balm for the prickly, fiery ache that has settled over the man you care so much about.

------

When you wake, it’s because of singing. For half a moment, you think you’re in a dream, but as your eyes adjust to the blanket of dark, you see the shadow on the sofa nearby. Only, it’s bigger than just Bucky. Anastasia is sitting on his lap, her head cushioned against his chest. Scrambling for your glasses, and turning on the lamp on the bedside table, you notice that there are trails of drying tears on her little cheeks, and she’s still shaking with the aftershocks of whatever scare she must’ve had during the night.

Not for the first time, you curse your deep sleep that meant you didn’t wake with Ana, but watch in wonder as Bucky sings.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word Papa's going to buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing Papa's going to buy you a diamond ring

Ana’s eyes begin to close, but she fights the sleep. Bucky doesn’t let her. He lies down, easing her down beside himself, singing all the while.

And if that diamond ring turns brass Papa's going to buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke Papa's going to buy you a billy goat

His voice fills the room, low though it may be, and he curls himself around Ana.

And if that billy goat won't pull Papa's going to buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull turn over Papa's going to buy you a dog named Rover

She succumbs to the lull of his tone, his song, his promises, sighs a little sigh, lets the last, little hiccup leave her body.

And if that dog named Rover won't bark Papa's going to buy you a horse and cart

And if that horse and cart fall down You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Bucky lifts his hand from where it was stroking the hair at her temple, and lays his arm over his daughter. They’re safe, for now. Together.

#SSB2021 #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes angst #dad!bucky barnes #mcu #marvel #marvel fanfic

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kashimos-hajime · 4 years

Text

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries.

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too.

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever?

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas!

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

518 notes · View notes

subbing-for-clones · 4 years

Text

The New Apprentice Part 7

Maul x Sith Reader

Word Count: 3.3K

WARNINGS: 18+ Mentions of injuries, slightly jealous Maul, Unprotected sex, Inappropriate use of the force, force bond, self-deprecation

PREVIOUS NEXT MASTERLIST

Your eyes didn't open right away. You could faintly hear Savage speaking with who sounded like a woman through a voice coder.

"She was much worse off than you two despite your loss of limbs. Cybernetics are easy but her oxygen was dangerously low. Her core temperature being lower than yours caused the hypothermia to be more extensive. We don’t have a bacta tank to drop her into. Hopefully the concentrated salve will do enough for her."

"When is she going to wake up?" Savage rumbled.

"I don't know big guy. I'm a medic not a fortune teller. All I can tell you is that she's alive... for now."

It sounded like another presence entered the area and you recognized Maul's velvety rasp. One of his steps produced a light clinking sound.

"She will wake soon. Her mind is lighting up more than it has in the last two days."

Two days?! Oh fuck no.

You groaned quietly hating the idea of being the weakest link in a chain of three. You practically forced your eyes open and hissed at the fluorescent lighting. Your muscles were stiff but you forced them to bend to your will and sit up.

"Whoa whoa whoa slow down there..." the female medic ran over to you clad in armor you recognized it instantly from the holo-net news.

"What are we doing with a Mandalorian?" You tensed as she checked your bandages and scanned you. Your eyes narrowed at Savage's new cybernetic appendage; memories of the last time you had seen them came flooding back. He was the one to answer you.

"They found our pod floating in space. Turns out they hate the jedi so we've allied ourselves with them. Maul has been negotiating with their leader while you’ve been healing." Say what you want about Savage but the man could summarize.

"Okay..." head still swimming it was difficult to take everything in. Pirates didn't work out but now Mandalorians are going to work with you? You're just along for the ride at this point.

Maul had stayed a distance away from you with his hands clasped behind his back watching you intently. Turning his attention to the medic he hissed.

"Leave us so we may properly convey the details of our arrangement with my apprentice."

Not daring argue with the Zabrak the woman stood and hurried out of the tent. Not daring to meet Maul's eyes as he watched her leave. He closed his eyes for a moment as if to reach out and ensure no one was around other than the three of you. Once he was satisfied with his assessment he strode to your side and immediately softened. He trailed his fingers down your face gently and pressed a tender, passionate kiss to your lips.

"I thought I had lost you twice over. First to those damned pirates and Kenobi, then to the unforgiving confines of the galaxy itself." He paused for a moment, staring seemingly into your soul while Savage shifted on his feet not knowing where to look. He never imagined his brother could behave like this before.

"Alas, the force works in mysterious ways. We have found powerful allies but I don't trust them. They can't know what it is you are to me. I will not give them tinder to light."

You nodded in understanding.

"So, what's the plan?"

Maul took a step back and thought for a moment. Despite his care for you it was difficult to overcome a life of betrayal and deception. He quickly pushed these thoughts from his mind when he looked back to you. He took a seat on your cot and you could feel the cool metal of his new leg against your own.

"First, we must amass a larger army. Once we have their loyalty, we will aid the Death Watch in overthrowing the current ruler of Mandalore. After Vizsla takes the throne I am confident that he will bend to my desires one way or another. This group has much to offer, including a planet and they have no idea of our true intentions."

Your eyes lit up both with adoration and with excitement at the events to unfold.

"Yes Master, just tell me what to do."

"Can you stand?"

You wiggled your legs although still sore from where you were shot, the bacta shots and salves had taken care of most of the damage.

"Come then, you must meet the leader of this clan."

You rose to your feet and straightened your back with your head held high. You force pulled your sabers from a nearby table and hung them from your hips. Maul admired you as you made your way out of the tent. He silently wished he could've guided you out by your hand but again, he couldn't let them know how important you were to him; to everything. Instead, he settled for you walking on his right slightly behind him, Savage to his left as he led you both to the largest tent in the camp.

Several Mandalorians casually sat at the tables laughing, eating and drinking while the leader sat at the head only a few guards were posted to your surprise. He was obviously distracted by something his second in command was saying. She was a slight woman, shoulder length red hair and a sneer plastered across her face that only deepened when her eyes fell on you.

"Someone's finally awake." She smirked.

"Awake indeed..." you trailed off meeting her eye contact unblinking until she scoffed and looked away. Your eyes gleamed in satisfaction and your gold eclipse swelled slightly, feeding off of her disdain. Savage stifled a chuckle. The only person you bowed to in any sense of the word was Maul. Anyone else you would make kneel before you and this attitude permeated in any room you entered.

Your eyes shifted to the leader. He was tall, bald headed and was currently sizing you up with a satisfied look on his face.

"So, the dead rises on our moon." He stood and made his way over to the three of you.

"Only on momentous occasions. I believe I owe you my thanks for that."

He took your hand in his leather gloved one and pressed his lips to your knuckles, trying to hide a disgusted look on your face you humored him.

"Pre Vizsla, leader of the Death Watch, future ruler of Mandalore." He introduced. An almost inaudible growl rumbled in Maul's chest. Almost inaudible.

"Y/N, apprentice to the great Sith Lord Maul,” you responded coldly.

"Well, we are happy to welcome you to our camp. I understand that you will be helping us take back our home world."

"It seems as though we will. A great warrior people, the current Duchess has all but castrated. Tis a shame really and a disservice to all Mandalorians. One that I would aid in seeing righted."

He chuckled and continued to let his eyes dance over your form. The black romper you wore fitting tightly over your body, cleavage teasing and arms bare. Maul fought the sudden urge to take you there in front of all to see so it was known you belonged to him. His self-control overpowered his instincts and he continued to watch as Vizsla eyed you.

He really thinks she would stoop so low as to invite this man into her bed..

He practically projected and you heard his words tingle in the back of your mind. You smirked knowingly.

I hold no attraction to men such as he. I'd much rather feel your horns scrape my thighs Master.

Realizing you had heard him through the force, his eyes gleamed at your response to him. A warmth pooling in his groin and in yours.

"Drinks for our new friends!" Pre Vizsla called. The four of you took a seat at the head table and you listened with Savage as Maul discussed details of various plans with the leader.

It wasn't long before the woman with red hair you've come to know as Bo Katan interjected standing behind your master arms folded across her chest plate.

"We've allied ourselves with Sith before. Dooku betrayed us. They're no better than Jedi."

Thoroughly full of this woman and her insubordination you reached for your saber but before you could act, Maul was on his feet facing away from her with his hand raised to shoulder height. She dangled in the air grasping at a hand around her throat that she couldn't find. Your master growled furiously.

"Doubt will only lead to failure. Our combined strength will be rewarded. Mandalore will be yours, and Kenobi, this Sith pretender Dooku, and all our enemies will fall at our feet." He dropped her just before she passed out. Your arousal slicked your panties at the sight of him. Wetting your lips with a flick of your tongue in anticipation. The added bonus of your want was not lost your master.

Pre Vizsla looked enthralled with Maul's answer to Bo's accusation.

"I believe this alliance will be very beneficial."

Maker he didn't even have to look at her.... the way his voice growls and rumbles....

You unknowingly shifted in your seat as you took another swing of whatever drivel they had served you.

Wait until you hear me roar little one.

He answered in your mind sounding like it was whispered directly into your ear. A ghostly hand gripped the top of your thigh and dragged higher, just stopping before where you craved the touch to land. Your face tinged ever so slightly, easily falsely blaming the drink. After most of the warriors turned in for the night you were you shone to your private tent. Hours later only after you sensed everyone was asleep did you allow yourself to relax.

You thought of Maul, how his scarlet skin shone in the lamp light, his tattoos a stark contrast to the rest of him. How the power had seemed to seep out of his pores. How he spat when Dooku's name left his lips. You worried your bottom lip between your teeth and playfully pinched at one of your nipples while your other hand reached down to your soaking core, teasing your clit through the cloth slowly.

You heard him, a low rumble outside your tent before he entered. His eyes glowed, cutting through the darkness as they drifted over your still body.

"Eager tonight are we. It seems as though the lesson in patience hasn't stuck yet."

You let out a breathy sigh at his words as your tongue darted out to wet your lips. You sat up as he sauntered over to you. Barley a silhouette in the darkness. A low rumble deep in his chest as his lips met yours with a needy passion. He buried one hand in your hair the other on your back pulling you closer to him. You gripped his shoulders eliciting a groan as you trailed your fingers down his arms. He pulled his lips away from yours and pressed his forehead to yours lovingly.

You felt his presence in the edges of your mind as if there was a light wrapping on a shuttered window. You smiled into him. You were willing and wanting to follow this man to the ends of the galaxy long before you had started to fall for him. His hard exterior a stark contrast to the man now asking permission for entry. When you allowed him in, it felt so much fuller than what you had experienced with the fleeting vocal blurbs you had exchanged. He was warm and all encompassing. Despite his knowledge and practice with the dark side he was incredibly light and deep. Not unlike a sunset just before the sun slipped below the horizon, that last final burst of light. Surrounded by the night. So that's who your master was. A candle in the darkness at his core.

He shuddered at the connection, never having delved and melded with someone like this. It had always been harsh, seeking, painful with the intent to extract something. With you, he just wanted to feel what was in your heart and his breath hitched when he found himself within it. He pulled back slightly. His habit to deny his desires, to deprive himself of any semblance of affection threatening to take over. You couldn't allow this and reached back out to him while your hands snaked around the back of his head, tracing the base of his horns and pressing your lips back to his.

He quivered and moaned against your mouth as you projected your image of him into his mind. Where he couldn't deny or shy away from your beaming adoration and gratefulness. You teased the bottom of his lip with your tongue now asking him for entry. He parted his lips so you could deepen the kiss. You pulled him back so you lay on the bed with him on top of you, weaving your legs around his hips.

You showed him how your heart fluttered when he commanded the room. How your chest swelled when you caught him candidly reading a data-pad peering over the rim of his glasses or stirring his caf. How lying in his arms on the ship eased muscles in your body you didn't know you had. How he was your strength, your motivation and your safety.

You felt hot wet droplets drip onto your cheeks but saw nothing in the lightless tent.

I've never made anyone feel safe before his voice tinged in your mind.

I've never felt safe with anyone before.

Your tongues glided across one another's and you sucked his bottom lip into your mouth, releasing it with a light 'pop’ as he whimpered against you. He sat up to slip off his tunic and pull down the top half of your garb. His mouth hot, flushed with your neck as he nipped and teased.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to have you like this.

It's not your choice that I give myself to you. Only if you accept it.... I pray you do..

You swirled your tongue around the base of the horn that grew from his temple. He stifled a sob at the sensitivity and trembled. Letting you explore this feeling for only a moment before his attentions drifted further down to one of your perked nipples. He rolled his tongue across one and lightly pinched the other. You bucked your hips up into his while your breath hitched, the need for friction becoming desperate. This intimacy and careful caresses almost being enough to pull you over the edge as a knot formed below your belly button.

I hear you; I feel your desire. I will make you see stars. I'll take care of you.

He continued his slow journey down your body, kissing every inch of skin he uncovered, sucking bruises into your flesh. He slipped the rest of your dress off and threw it to the side leaving you fully exposed to him. He took a full minute that felt like hours taking in the sight of you spread out and breathing heavily for him.

You're so beautiful...

You gasped as his hot breath hit your cunt. Inhaling your arousal, you felt something switch in him. The predatory nature of his species dancing in the background of his mind. His bestial habits and desires bred into him through generations. You fought the urge to cry out when he delved his wet muscle into you, dragging it up your folds and encircling your swollen clit only to repeat the process. His ivory horns running gentle tracks across the sensitive skin of your thighs. He cupped a breast in one hand and pinned your hips down with the other as you white knuckled the sheets.

Fucking sublime. You're soaking wet darling. All for me.... mine... mine..

He slipped two of his thick fingers into your core. You trembled as he slowly pumped them in and out of you, slightly curling them when he was knuckle deep.

Maker... master I- I can't take it... you're gonna make me...

Call me by my name when I make you cum.

That was all it took to make you come undone over his face and hand as you trembled you whispered his name aloud like a prayer with shaky breath into the cool night air. He pulled away from you, removed his trousers and returned to your lips. Your breath still unsteady against him. You could feel his massive cock teasing your dripping sex running his ridges through your soaked lips across your overstimulated clit. Properly lubricating himself with your pleasure. You shuddered with an excited anticipation and begged him verbally with bated breath

“P-please Maul... I need to feel you... inside me.”

A deep guttural vibration rumbled in his chest at your submissiveness. He lined his blunt head at your entrance and eased into you slowly one ridge at a time. You both gasped at the overwhelming sensation. Slowly he pushed into you until he had sunk to his hilt. He returned to your neck, sucking dark bruises into your flesh while you adjusted to his size.

Maker I... I've never felt so full! So good... feels.. so good...

Quivering at your praise he dug his hands into the pillow behind you as he nipped at your swollen lips. A few moments passed before you started rutting your hips against him, begging him to move. He growled again while he obliged your silent wish. He started his thrusting slowly. Pulling almost all the way out before sheathing back inside you. The feeling leaving both of you breathless and desperate.

That predatory instinct within him grew as his pace quickened. You pulled his hand to cover your mouth to stifle your sobs. Every single rut hitting something deep inside you that no lover had ever reached before.

Harder... faster... more.... you were begging as that knot in your belly started to form. It was a sinful and overwhelming feeling, being fucked so well by your master. He hitched your legs up higher on his hips throwing your ankles over his shoulders and folding you in half; allowing him even deeper entry.

You're so good for me little one.... taking my cock so well... so fucking tight and wet for me... mine. All mine..

His thrusts became more erratic and uneven, you could feel him throbbing inside you. Every rut, he whispered in your ear possessively "Mine."

Maker you were ruined for anyone else ever again at this point. Your climax threatened to crest and your eyes rolled in the back of your head when he took it straight from your core pressing a hand over your mouth to stifle the scream that ripped itself from your throat.

Crying out repeatedly into his palm you clenched and fluttered around his pulsating cock. He sunk his teeth into your shoulder and roared animalistically as he coated your insides with his hot seed. He thrust into you a few more times while you both trembled. Coming down from your mutual highs.

“I will serve you the galaxy on a silver platter my dear. I will lay the power of the very universe at your feet if it means you'll stay by my side.”

You kissed him sweetly in response.

All I want is you...

He shivered at your answer and slipped out of you. He gently cleaned you with a spare sheet and cast it aside. Gathering you up into his arms he lay down on the cot and held you close. Stroking your hair until you fell asleep in the strange camp. Caught between a near death experience, your galaxy shattering orgasms and the promise of vengeance against the jedi who rejected you; you slept weightlessness on your lover's chest.

#maul x y/n #maul fluff #star wars maul #maul x reader #maul smut #lemon #sith reader #maul x sith apprentice #maul x apprentice reader #swtcw au #darth maul #savage oppress platonic #platonic savage #savage opress #sith warrior #star wars #starwars x reader #swtcw smut #smut

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sunseteyes · 4 years

Text

THE WINTER I SAW YOUR SMILE

ㅤㅤ ↪︎ STARRING: neito monoma; gn!reader

ㅤㅤ ↪︎ THEMES: fluff, enemies to lovers—more like idiots friends to lovers honestly

ㅤㅤ ↪︎ WORD COUNT: 2, 101 words

ㅤㅤ ↪︎ SYNOPSIS: like perry the platypus to doofenshmirtz, joker to batman, or even conan to kaitō kid, for you, neito was your archenemy. but why is it that no one ever asked neito what he thought of you?

ㅤㅤ ↪︎ INTERMISSION: this is an entry for our server collab secret santa! merry merry christmas @dimplesum i hope you’ll enjoy my gift for you~ also, thank you to @imahoeforanimeguys for beta reading this :D

[12:51 AM]

if there was one person who could understand neito well, itsuka kendou would say it would be you.

you have known neito monoma ever since you were children, maybe much more than anyone would, even if they were his new friends. no matter how much they knew him, it would always be you who knew him better, the best.

it was not because you were his childhood bestfriend, or sweetheart, or any of that sappy story seen in disney movies or romance novels. your and neito’s story is far too easy to understand than any of those for it can be summarized by the word “archenemy,” like perry the platypus to doofenshmirtz, or joker to batman, or maybe even conan to kaitou kid—yes, you were kind of addicted to that show for quite some time.

along with being neito’s archenemy comes with knowing full well what ticks him off and also what makes him feel pleased. basically, that knowledge became the reason why everyone knows you’re the one who has the better hand when it comes to neito in general.

so when did you two first treat each other like archenemies?

it started when you two were still in kindergarten, was it? you’ve known each other for so long that it still surprises you how you and neito still see and even talk to one another. you could barely remember how and when exactly the scene played about at that time, but there were bits of memories where it was him who started to get on your bad side. although on neito’s defense, it was actually you when you started commenting on his hairstyle back in the days. after all, he used to sport a straight cut of bangs back then and it was the very thing that got stuck in your mind and couldn’t help but let it out every single time you see neito’s face, no matter how much he had physically changed from the boy you used to know.

being neito’s archenemy consists of constant teases, banters, glares, smirks, and being scolded by someone—usually a teacher or a mutual friend of yours, which is kendou, since tetsutetsu joins into the arguments too, which leaves kendou to babysit the four of you.

it’s not as if you were always arguing or at each other’s throats though. people even say you two make a good team, but it will only lead to neito and you teasing each other on how the other is flustered by such a statement. you do admit that there is a wave of relief that washes over your chest whenever you hear those words, but you could never find yourself letting out that kind of confession especially since it would wound your pride, and boost someone’s ego—ehem, neito. you have no specific reason why it calms you down to have someone say those about you two, but it may be because it thrills you to have someone else tease neito, however it also gives way for him to tease you as well, so you have rather conflicting thoughts when it comes to that matter.

by the time neito and you had reached high school though, you knew something changed.

was it how the glares started softening a bit? was it when the bickers would shorten whenever one of you decides to give in to the other? people commented on how you two became more mature, but for some reason, you knew there was another reason why this came to be, something you dare not say nor even think about, not that it should matter anyway.

the knocking on the door startled you awake from your thoughts, suddenly urging you to stand from the sofa to answer whoever was on the right mind to knock on your apartment at half past 12, or wait is it 1 AM already? either way, it’s too late for anyone to try and visit you, unless it’s someone who has bad intentions, but would they really knock if they have? still, there’s nothing wrong to be cautious, especially during these days.

“neito?” the rush of words came out of your lips sooner than you had the time to shut yourself, it was also louder than intended that’s why the other person on the other side of the door was able to hear it loud and clear.

“(y/n)! you’re there, right? could you let me in? it’s freezing out here!”

“and why would i?” you retort back, already gripping on the knob to turn it and reveal neito’s figure right in front of you. “what the hell are you doing here? at this hour even?”

and yet, he ignored you, entering your complex, then pushing you aside as he enjoyed the warmth that your apartment provided, with you closing the door behind in order to give him a long, contemplating look.

he seemed like he came from somewhere else, considering that the way he dresses up for home and for outside activity were different and quite unique by themselves. you noticed it after a few times of seeing him stay by your apartment with your other friends, or when you all go out to shop, have a meal, or stop by some place itsuka had found. you two were always on the same friendship circle, you noticed, yet it had never occurred where you and him stayed in one place all alone, after all you two were considered as “archenemies” still, aren’t you?

“i’m asking you what you’re doing here, monoma.” you bluntly questioned, making sure to emphasize how you’ve said his name. whenever you call him by his surname, he and you both know that you were pissed—or coming to. and like any other time, he chose to make a comeback as well, just as you had expected.

“it’s freezing outside, (y/n), do you want me to die? come on, be a kind person for once.”

“i am a kind person, monoma, but as far as i know, you don’t usually barge into people’s homes at around 1 AM.”

he scoffs, still rubbing his gloved hands together, trying to warm them up from the temperature winter brought upon december. “it’s just 12:51, and you’re not just any people. aren’t we friends?”

it was your turn to scoff, bringing your grasps on your waist, leaning to the side as you raise your brows in utter disbelief. “friends? no we’re not, what are you talking about.”

it was the truth, anyway. even though you’ve treated him as an archenemy, throughout the years, you were friends with neito, it just so happens that you treat each other quite differently than most friends do, that’s why you chose to name it as a word that others don’t frequently use. who calls their friends an archenemy? probably only you, or some others too—maybe.

“hey (y/n), do you have any snacks, ramen perhaps?”

your eyes narrow at the sight of neito rummaging through your kitchen, already knowing his way around. how can you blame him when he had already visited the apartment a couple of times with itsuka, tetsutetsu, and a few other friends that you’ve had over the years.

sighing to yourself, you leaned to one of the counters as you watched him, now cooking not just a pack, but two packs of ramen—that was, mind you, yours. each and every equipment and whatever he was using was yours, and it should infuriate you, your mind tells you so. however, you just seemingly can’t.

“you should pay for those, including my gas, neito.” you muse to the boy, his back turned to you as he continued preparing the ramen that he was preparing for the both of you, the sight apparently engraving itself on your mind whenever you have the chance to look at your kitchen. what can you say? he looks good while doing stuff like these, and you wouldn’t mind having to see him do so next time, that’s if you would have the chance since you would bite your tongue before you could even confess about it.

“you know, i’m this close to thinking that you really hate me, (y/n).”

your brow raised, momentarily catching his eyes when he briefly glanced at you. “why’s that?”

“well for one, you’re treating me as some kind of enemy of some sort. we should be allies, you know.”

“yeah but you’re the one who always starts the argument first, neito.”

he chuckles then, leaning to the side as he sends a look to you, one that is glinted with slight mock and amusement, like per usual. “that’s because you’re so easy to rile up. you always have these puffy cheeks and narrowed eyes when you do,” he gestures to his own face and he suddenly laughs, pointing at you with a spoon. “-yeah! just like that!” he hollers, making your brows furrow even more, now glaring daggers at him.

“shut up.”

neito kept on laughing to himself and he only stopped when it was time to turn the gas off and take the saucepan out of the casserole, bringing it swiftly to the table where he lay it on top of a pot rest. it was also him who rushed to get bowls and utensils for each of you, which led you to simply sit down by the table, feeling a little bit awkward at how he basically served you and did the table for you. if you didn’t zipped your lips tight, you would’ve said how much you’d like to get used to this kind of treatment from him.

“what are you waiting for? dig in! it’s not like i put poison in it.” he chimes, getting his own part of the ramen and eating them in almost an instant that you were quite sure he must have been starving when he got here.

“what were you doing out, anyway? were you on a date?” the words slipped your mind as you ate, your eyes glanced down to the food, finding it difficult to look at him in the eye after such a question.

“hm? what if i tell you i was?”

you forced yourself to let out a shrug, still not meeting his gaze that was surely on yours. “it’s not like i care.”

he scoffs and chuckles—which was it, you have got no clue—one of the rare times when you seem unable to read neito’s actions.

“you’re acting like you do though.” he mutters as his smirk reached his ears, patting the chopsticks to his lips as he tried to intimidate you.

it was silent for a couple more seconds before you decided to break it, meeting his eyes with one of an uncertain gaze, almost wanting to look away immediately.

“why are you acting like we’re suddenly close, is this how you are after a date?” you questioned, hiding your hesitation by taking a bite of your ramen, letting its warmth travel down to your chest and your stomach, in hopes of comforting you in some way.

“you must be misunderstanding me, (y/n).” this time, his face was looking dead serious, no more smirk and glints of mischief by his irises, as if he had a change of mind in an instant. “i wasn’t on a date. i am on a date.”

your breath faltered and your movements came to a halt, the chopsticks and your hand raised on a level that left it hanging by the air, just like how the atmosphere stilled the moment you heard the words coming out of neito’s lips.

“what?”

“i said, i am on a date.” he points to you with his own utensil, gesturing for both of you. “we are on a date.”

“uh-when did i-”

“and before you react, i’m just here to clarify that i already know you like me, that’s why you’re acting like this.”

your mouth opened to react and retaliate, but you only looked at him in disbelief, watching his nose crinkle up in delight, the corners of his eyes curling as he grins, his hair slightly swaying softly at the smallest signs of his movements.

now he might be damn right that you like him, but it’s not as if you’ve realized it that long. still, your voice didn’t let you fight him back because he seemed to be enjoying his own bubble—one that he was gladly sharing to you right now. you’ll have to clarify his statement from earlier soon, but not now perhaps. because now, he looks so pretty with that smile, and you’d rather be teased than having to rid of a sight like that.

#neito monoma #neito x reader #bnha x reader #bnha x you #bnha neito #pocuties secret santa

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hermadnessmacwrites · 3 years

Text

A Game of Puzzles (Making the Pieces Fit) Chapter 3

Summary: With the war over and Sasuke home again, Sakura is more hopeful for Team 7’s future than she has been in a long time. She’s quickly disappointed to find that nothing in the Village fits quite like it used to—not her old bedroom, not her clothes, and definitely not Team 7. Join Sakura as she scrambles to understand her place in this new team dynamic.

If she has a place there at all.

-OR-

It takes three dorks a painfully long time after moving in together to realize that they all belong together.

"Sakura-chaaaaaan!" a familiar voice echoes down the halls of the hospital.

The medics shadowing her do their best to stifle their giggles, or at least try to pass them off as a sudden bout of coughs, but their amusement is clear.

"That's all for now," Sakura declares, doing her best to ignore the knowing looks being passed back and forth like candy. The flush that rises to her cheeks is inescapable. "It looks like I'm needed in a last minute meeting."

No attempts are made to conceal their laughter now. Sakura graces them with a self-deprecating half-smile before departing from the group. Naruto's voice bounces off the walls again, and Sakura rolls her eyes fondly—heels clacking rapidly against tile floors as she picks up her pace. He's lucky she just wrapped up her examination.

"What kind of idiot yells in a hospital?" she shouts, fully aware of the hypocrisy of the statement. Answering Naruto any other way just feels lackluster. And anyway, this is her domain. Surely she can bend the rules on special occasions.

"Sakura!" He sounds even closer now. Sure enough, he rounds the corner a second later.

Any pretense of annoyance pops and fizzles out like a dispersed clone the moment Sakura lays eyes on him. A rosy tint covers all Naruto's exposed skin—a testament to the long hours spent away from them under the powerful summer sun. He's home. Excitement drives her forward, faster than she would normally condone for a place of healing.

Seeing her coming, Naruto stops his approach and braces himself instead. Open arms beckon and spur her forward, and Sakura doesn't try to resist their call. Hospital walls blur around her as she sprints the last twenty feet separating them, flinging herself into his waiting arms with approximately none of the decorum the Head of Hospital should possess.

Naruto grunts on impact but doesn't buckle. Instead he transfers her momentum into centripetal force, spinning her 'round and 'round in his arms like a couple of lovestruck teens. Sakura buries her face in his neck, allowing herself to breath him in and bask in the solid feel of him under her arms. Alive and unharmed. Maybe she deserves a free pass on this one.

All good things must eventually end, and this moment is no exception. Naruto slows them down, allowing Sakura's feet to float closer to the ground on every turn. Reality catches up to them when her heels click down onto the bleached tiles. Murmurs of the random nurse or medic in the hall reach her ears, and Sakura takes a moment to brush the imaginary lint off her lab coat. Now that she remembers people other than Naruto exist, Sakura's thankful they didn't knock anyone over with their antics.

The smug eyes following her promise not to let her forget this. Oh well.

Sakura clears her throat self-consciously and playfully slugs Naruto on the remaining portion of his arm. That's normal, right? "When did you get in? Konohamaru was supposed to let me know when you reached the gates."

"Ahhh, I might have convinced him to 'forget' to do that." At her raised eyebrow, he ducks his head and scratches the back of his head. "Wanted to surprise you."

Cute.

"It was a nice surprise."

Naruto's smile widens. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Sakura confirms, "But I didn't have time to clear my schedule. I have one meeting I can't miss and a couple more patients to see before I can leave."

"You were going to cut out early for me?" he asks incredulously, "Usually it takes the act of a God to pry you out of here."

"Does not," she counters without heat. Sakura's willing to bet Naruto turns into just as much of a workaholic once he's wearing the hat. There's so much that needs to get done to keep Konoha moving forward. Knowing her work/life balance sucks and actually taking a step back are two entirely separate things. "Anyway, I'm still cutting out early. Just not as early as I wanted to." Speaking of—

Sakura's eyes dart to the clock close to the nurse's station before wincing. Six minutes is barely enough time to cross six floors before the meeting covering the funding for clinical trials the coming quarter starts. Normally this would be Administrative Sakura's domain, but her clone is swamped reviewing construction plans for the Hospital addition. Clinical trials for ninja products, like safer soldier pills, also happen to be something she's passionate about. If she can't design the experiments, she at least wants to ensure they're properly funded.

"Gotta run?" Naruto guesses when Sakura turns to him.

"Yep," she says, already backing away, "but I'll see you at home? Three hours tops."

"I'll hold you to that!" Naruto threatens with a smile.

By some miracle Sakura hasn't tripped over anything or anyone as she walks backwards, keeping a waving Naruto in her sights for as long as she can manage. It's so good to see him again. Still, Sakura knows she's pushing her luck. Waving goodbye to her teammate one last time, Sakura turns around to begin her race to the conference room in earnest.

It's not until Sakura's three floors down that she remembers Sasuke. Shit. He definitely deserves a heads up that Naruto is back in town. Now, how can she get the message to him without leaving the hospital...?

There's a nurses' station thirty feet up this hallway, but Sakura dismisses the idea as quickly as it occurs. Adding a personal chore to the nurses' already stacked plates would be incredibly rude—and unprofessional to boot.

The countdown in her head reminds her she has less than four minutes to solve this issue and get to her meeting before it starts. Times like this, Sakura wishes she had picked up a second summon. Lady Katsuya is the perfect compliment to her medical techniques, but slugs are pretty much incapable of delivering messages.

Three minutes. Crap.

Sakura makes for the emergency staircase, checking her chakra levels as she goes. About 40% left, and if she plans on leaving early—Sakura runs through calculations double time. She can spare 10% for a second clone.

She shucks her bright red heels and leans over the railing to make sure she's not about to land on anyone. The stairwell looks clear. Just in case, Sakura tosses a warning "heads up!" over the metal barrier before vaulting it herself. Cushioning her landing with chakra saves her joints, but the cement pays the price. Her hastily reapplied heel makes this discovery, catching in the newly formed crack and nearly sending her sprawling. Great. She'll have to put in a requisition to have that fixed.

It's a necessary sacrifice. Sakura wraps up the hand signs for her messenger clone just as the conference room door comes into view. Messenger Sakura pops into existence, throws up a lazy “victory” sign, and does an abrupt 360 towards their apartment. Hopefully no one tries to stop her on the way—her clone won't have the chakra to help with any emergency situations.

No time to worry about it.

Running a hand through her hair, Sakura squares her shoulders and strides into the conference room. Every head swivels towards her. The absolute attention she now commands still makes her uneasy, but she manages to keep her head high as she crosses the room.

Sakura slides into her seat as the synchronized hospital clocks chime to announce the top of the hour.

Just in time.

"Thank you for joining, everyone," she says, laying her arms on the table. "As you all know, our goal today is to allocate funding to the six applicants for the upcoming quarter. Natsuo has summarized the information for the proposed clinical trials on the handouts in front of you, so if you'll direct your attention to the first page…"

Read the rest of the chapter on ao3

#hermadnessmac writes #Team 7 ot3 #Team 7 moves in together #NaruSasuSaku #A Game of Puzzles (Making the Pieces Fit)

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sylvies-chen · 4 years

Note

Brettsey please “so not to be rude or anything but i’ve been coming to this cemetery at this time on this day every week for fucking years and i’ve always been alone up until now seriously what the hell” au

Ok anon I REALLY have to apologize because this request has been sitting in my inbox for probably a month or two now but I didn’t get the inspo to finish this until last night. That being said, I got this into a short little oneshot so I hope you enjoy!!

Tags: alternate universe, grief, mourning, light emotional hurt/comfort, meet cute

Word count: 2922

183 days.

It’s been 183 days since Sylvie last visited Julie. 183 days thinking about how things should have been different. How Julie was supposed to survive, how her and Scott and Amelia were supposed to be a family. How Sylvie was supposed to reconnect with her, to finally know the woman who had given Sylvie her own life’s blood.

She was supposed to have more time.

Instead, Sylvie ends up feeling like more of a stranger to Julie than ever. The last time she visited was the funeral, and that hadn’t done much for her in terms of closure. If anything, it made her feel more out of place. Random strangers came up to her, asking how she knew Julie. Sylvie can still remember the confused looks on their face as she’d told them Julie was her birth mother who had given her up at sixteen years old, and the awkward condolences that came stuttering out of their mouths afterwards. She’d felt too guilty eventually, and left early. Who the hell was she anyway, to be tainting everyone’s view of her birth mother at her own funeral?

She hasn’t been to visit Julie’s grave ever since. All Sylvie had done was stay with parents for a few days to clear her head. A few days turned into a few weeks, and then a few months. Today marks month six of her stay there. Her parents had told her they’d be happy to have her. They hadn’t been receptive to the idea of Sylvie meeting Julie in the first place, so they were more than willing to help her through the loss. The only condition was that she had to go to therapy and work through her grief, which Sylvie happily agreed to. But last week, her therapist suggested she visit Julie’s grave to get ‘true closure’, whatever that means. It’s a strange idea to Sylvie but nothing else seems to be working. Her boss had assured her that Fowlerton was much too peaceful (the polite way of calling the town boring, and rightfully so) and it would do just fine without its favourite paramedic for a few days. So, reluctantly, she accepted.

That’s why Sylvie’s now halfway through an hour-long drive to Chicago, all the way back to the cemetery. She buys hydrangeas at a tiny flower shop she passes by when she first enters Chicago territory. They’re Julie’s favourite. They were Julie’s favourite

Her fingers anxiously tap at the wheel when she finally pulls into the cemetery. It’s a dreary Sunday, grey clouds hovering in the sky bringing the prominent threat of rain. The graveyard is empty when she gets there, from the looks of it, except for one single person. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see a man around her age sitting on a bench near a grave, his eyes observing her curiously from over his shoulder. He’s not someone she knows-- she doesn’t really know many people here in Chicago after all-- but she ignores his lingering eyes. Shades of grey stick out against the field of green and wilted flowers are scattered across other tombstones. It feels like a ghost town, for lack of a better term. It’s gloomy and it looks like no one’s visited this place in a while. Even for a cemetery, the sight is a depressing one.

Sylvie slams her car door shut and takes a deep breath. Relax, she thinks. Just a quick drop by to see her, place the flowers, and then leave. You can get through this.

She makes a beeline towards Julie’s grave, less than 100 feet away, and stops dead in her tracks when she gets there. Her feet feel heavy in her pink rain boots, sticking out like a sore thumb against her black coat as she observes the tombstone.

Julie Walters

Loving wife and daughter

1973 - 2019

Sylvie doesn’t know how to feel reading those words. A whole life, one she only scratched the surface of, reduced to a mere four words and eight numbers. It’s underwhelming, and she doesn’t know whether to feel relieved that Julie’s entire being wasn’t etched onto stone or insulted that they could summarize her in so few words.

Maybe it’s for the best. What else would they put on there anyway: that she was a flawed human who left behind a child who she wasn’t ready to have, only to die before she could see her second daughter years later when she was finally ready for one? When she was finally ready to reconcile with her first born? Yeah, it was definitely for the best.

She places the bouquet of hydrangeas on the wet grass next to the tombstone and stands back. Man, this is harder than she thought. The words are there, racing in her head, but they don’t come out. Every time she wants to say something, it gets caught in the back of her throat.

Sylvie’s trying to pick from a list of infinite questions and countless ways to begin when she feels a chill on the back of her neck. At that moment, a voice comes from behind her. “Hi, are y--”

“Ah!” Sylvie shrieks, the voice startling her. She nearly jumps out of her skin as she turns around in shock, only to see a guy standing in front of her. It’s the same guy, she realizes, that had been staring at her earlier. Now, up close, she guesses that he can’t be all that much older that she is. He has blonde hair that’s short at the back and longer at the front, his eyes a soft shade of blue-green. His jacket and boots are a little worn but other than that, he looks completely normal. Except for the fact that he’s the only other person in this whole cemetery, and he just came up to her from behind without making a sound.

“Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he assures her, his hands up in surrender.

“Oh, uh, it’s okay.” Sylvie lets out a big breath, shaking off the nerves from the jumpscare.

“Not to be rude or anything, but I just-- I’m usually the only one here,” he explains awkwardly.

“Are you a groundskeeper or something? I can leave if you guys need me to.”

“No no,” he laughs bashfully, scratching the back of his neck. “I work in construction, actually. But I’ve uh.. I’ve been coming here the same time, every Sunday for years now to visit my dad. Nobody’s ever here when I am, so I figured you must be new.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry for your loss,” she offers. So okay, he’s not such a creep after all. Actually, he’s kind of sweet. “He must have been a really great dad, for you to be visiting him every week after all these years.”

“He… had his moments,” the man explains delicately. “Honestly, he wasn’t the most affectionate guy. I guess I just don’t want to end up like him. Jaded and cruel.”

Sylvie nods understandingly, because she gets it. Her parents are loving and supportive, but she’s had some exes that have put her through the ringer. Her first real love, Harrison, had been manipulative and heartless. She’s always hoped that these awful guys wouldn’t change her for the worse either.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m saying all of this. I’ll get out of your hair,” he offers. “But uh, here. Take this.” The guy holds out a single rose, which Sylvie accepts.

Her eyebrows narrow in confusion at the gesture. “A rose?”

“Yeah, well, my dad has been getting a dozen roses a week from my family since I was 17, he won’t turn over in his grave if he gets 11 just this one time. I’m sure whoever you’re grieving could use it a lot more than he could.”

Sylvie’s confused expression softens into gratitude, a faint smile pulling at her lips. This guy, whoever he is, didn’t have to do this for her. It’s a sweet gesture. He really does seem nice. No catches, no mind games, just simple and kind. She hasn’t met a guy like that in a while, at least not one her age. “That’s actually really sweet, thank you.”

“Of course.”

“I’m Sylvie, by the way,” she introduces herself awkwardly. Everything about this situation is awkward, frankly. But she extends her free hand anyway. “Sylvie Brett.”

“Matt Casey. I wish it were under nicer circumstances, but it’s nice to meet you.” His smile is wide as he takes her hand and shakes it. It’s confusing, but it makes Sylvie smile all the same.

“You seem awfully cheerful for someone who’s in a graveyard,” she observes.

“Like I said: I’ve been doing this for a while. I’m sort of all talked out now,” Matt explains with a shrug.

“Right,” she nods. “I wish I could relate. Normally I’m the one who’s cheerful and talkative, but it’s hard with this sort of thing. Everything I want to say just doesn’t seem to come out. Sometimes, I think if I start talking…”

“You’ll never stop?” He guesses.

“Yeah.” How did he know?

“Well I can tell you from experience that you definitely do stop talking at one point. I got all talked out two years ago. I looked around one day and realized I was talking about types of screwdrivers to my dad’s grave with no one else around. Eventually, you’ll run out of topics like I did. And then new ones will come, and you’ll talk some more, and then you get quiet again and then you just… stop talking.”

“I hope so. I’m a big talker-- I mean seriously, I never shut up-- but I just… I don’t know where to start with this one,” she explains.

“If you don’t mind me asking, who are you visiting?”

“Julie Walters.” She points to the tombstone in front of them. “My birth mother.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

Sylvie’s heard those six little words before. She had to stomach every single insincere, fake utterance of sympathy when she was at the funeral. But for some reason, the way Matt says it to her makes her think he really means it. She’s not used to people meaning it when they offer their condolences. It’s strange. Then again, this whole interaction is strange. “It’s okay,” she brushes it off.

“It’s not. At least, it doesn’t have to be,” he soothes. Something about his voice is so horrifyingly comforting. It’s calm and low, and it feels like warm tea and honey in her ears. It’s enough to make her want to burst into tears right then and there .

Sylvie takes a deep breath and then, before she can stop herself, breaks the silence to ramble. “I love my parents, you know? They raised me, they fed me, they’re responsible for the person I’ve become. But I’d always wondered where I came from, why my birth parents gave me up for adoption. And when Julie sought me out, I panicked at first. I wasn’t ready to give up that fantasy in my head of who she was, to have all my questions answered. But now I’m standing here, visiting her grave for the first time in the six months since her funeral by recommendation of my stupid grief counselor, and I… I just can’t stop thinking of all the questions I was too scared to ask. And man, it sucks.”

Matt stands there and nods understandingly, his gaze unwavering even as she turns her eyes towards Julie’s tombstone.

“I’m sorry,” she continues, wiping tears from her cheek. “We just met, and I’m rambling, and--”

“No no, it’s good for you,” he assures her. “ And I don’t mind it, I-- I like hearing you talk.”

“Oh.” Sylvie looks around, unsure of what to say. This Matt Casey guy, whoever he is, hasn’t run for the hills by now which is strange to say the least. But weirdly, it’s comforting.

“You’re right, you know,” he continues, switching the subject. “It sucks. Life… life sucks.”

“Yeah, it does,” she agrees, letting out a small laugh. This makes Matt laugh a little, which makes Sylvie laugh even more, until they’re both smiling and giggling in a cemetery like a bunch of blushing lunatics. It’s quite possibly the weirdest thing Sylvie’s ever experienced and yet somehow, it’s exactly what she needed. A bright light in the vast sea of darkness.

“You’re smiling again, that’s a good sign.”

“It is,” she agrees. “Am I crazy for that? I mean, I’m smiling and laughing in a graveyard with somebody I just met. Isn’t that weird?”

“A little,” he admits with a shy laugh. “But you’re not crazy. Sometimes people need a little bit of weirdness in their lives.”

“I guess stranger things have happened,” Sylvie shrugs playfully.

“Yeah.” He flashes her another smile before turning his attention towards Julie’s grave and facing it with her. Sylvie stares at the marked stone. She fondly remembers the few memories she had with Julie, and the countless ones they never got around to. It’s unfortunate, really, but it feels more manageable with someone there. Even if it’s someone she barely knows. Matt stands with her for a moment, the peace and quiet taking over. It’s nice. Sylvie’s never had silence be so comforting; it’s always made her anxious and uncomfortable up until now. Matt sure is a puzzling guy in that sense. She sneaks a peek at him through the corner of her eye, this guy who’s supporting her even though they just met. He’s lost someone too, he could be going back to his father’s tombstone. Instead, he’s staying there with her. Sylvie decides at that moment that Matt Casey is an unfailingly kind, weirdly solid guy. And, admittedly, a little attractive. Ok, a lot attractive.

“Hey, and don’t worry,” she adds after a few minutes of silence, “about being like your father. We aren’t our parents. And you seem… good. That’s all you can ask for I guess, is to be one of the good ones.”

“Thanks,” he nods, his eyes filled with a bit of confusion and a bit of something else Sylvie can’t quite place. Wonder, almost.

Sylvie turns back to Julie’s grave, tracing over the words with her eyes. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel so scary. Sylvie’s still sad, and wounds take time to scar over, but it doesn’t feel like she’s bleeding out anymore. She sighs, and she can sense the weight on her shoulders blowing away into the wind.

Unfortunately, when the sorrow blows away with the wind, it brings in the rain.

“Oh god,” Matt groans, wincing while looking up just on time to catch a raindrop in his eye. He squints and turns to Sylvie, who’s standing there laughing. “I didn’t see this in the weather forecast for today.”

“Me neither,” she giggles. “Today’s full of unexpected things, I guess.”

“It is.” He gives her a shy smile, nodding in agreement.

“Do you mind the rain?” She asks, looking up at the gloomy sky with a smile on her face.

“No,” he replies gently.

“Me neither.”

They stand there, hoods pulled away from their heads, letting the rain wash over them. There’s no shelter in sight anyway. They talk for a while about Chicago, about their lives, their friends, things that make them happy. But then they fall into a comfortable silence, smiling peacefully in the rain. Sylvie only moves a few times to brush raindrops off of the bouquet of flowers she’d placed at Julie’s grave. She looks at it, the name and the date etched in stone, and she doesn’t feel sick anymore. No questions unanswered, no bitterness. Her loss feels manageable.

She’s okay. More than okay.

“Hey, this might sound a little crazy, and I know we just met,” Matt starts after a while, “but would you want to… go get dinner or something?”

“What, like a date?” She snorts at her own joke, the idea being very nice in theory but impossible. It’s seriously impossible that this guy is actually asking her out, right?

“Er, yeah,” he nods. “Like a date.”

Oh. Okay, so he was asking her out. This is unfamiliar territory for Sylvie. She’s been asked out before, of course, by the small-town idiots in Fowlerton. But by an admittedly very good-looking stranger, under these circumstances no less? It’s a bit of a bizarre situation. That’s the crux of it, though. Matt Casey, whoever he is under all these sweet, charming layers, doesn’t feel like a stranger. Somehow, through one chance encounter, it feels like catching up with an old friend.

When she considers the facts, she’s had fun today. Every interaction they’ve had has come with such ease, and from a place of goodness and light. Yeah, maybe it’ll go absolutely nowhere. But one date in a public place won’t hurt her. She’s in Chicago for the rest of the weekend anyway. If anything, going out with someone like Matt Casey would do her a lot of good. And she hadn’t realized it until now but god, she really really wants to. So she does.

“I’d like that,” she finally replies while brushing rain off of her coat.

“Yeah?” He asks to make sure, his face lighting up with hope and slight excitement. Sylvie finds it adorable.

“Yeah,” she assures him.

He nods and grins excitedly as he leans in closer, and Sylvie feels the happiest she’s felt in a long time when he finally replies. “Me too.”

#this is a little rushed lol #also ik if i met anyone at a cemetary i would be weirded out but i tried to make this cute???#i just hope i was successful lol #brettsey #au prompt request #alternate universe #meet cute #light emotional hurt/comfort #mourning

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straighttohellbuddy · 3 years

Note

i'd really like to hear about 5, 27, and 32 for the 35 fanfiction writer question game! if it isn't a game/i misinterpreted what you meant, i'm really sorry!

It is an ask game! Also I love you thank you!!

I'm putting this one first because I've wanted to talk about it for a while, and yeah it should probably be a post of it's own but here we go;

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

I think there's a real art to being able to write X Reader fics, and I think the more you write, the more nuance you develop in order to weave a story around the reader's characteristics to make it inclusive while also personal. i think there's a conversation to be had about inclusivity in the YouTube x Reader community, and while the heavy prevalence of NB!Reader fics is amazing, we still have to look at what other biases we're inserting into our works. descriptions of, or moments regarding, the reader's skin tone, size, hair, clothing choices, family, etc, should be considered carefully if you're looking to make this as accessible as possible for the wide variety of readers. i appreciate people who specify if they're writing a particular type of reader (chubby!reader, or short-haired!reader, etc) because it sets a precedent for the fic, but if you go in without that caveat and suddenly the reader is being described as tanned or with long wavy hair or something, that breaks the immersion and alienates the readers who don't fit this narrow description. uh, also this is just a small thing, but when writing NB!Readers, don't forget about AMAB nb folks existing and being taken into consideration in your writing.

like i said, there's an art to being able to write around describing the reader, while still making the story feel personal. we just have to think about if what we're writing would make sense if we were not ourselves, if that makes sense???

also just personally i'd like to see more diversity in the people chosen for the representations of the read in IG/SMAU posts.

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

I actually don't have one definitive answer for this because I've been writing for a very long time so I have a few favourites for different reasons.

for this blog; once you say it out loud it can't be undone {Corpse Husband} | 17K. non-fatal hanahaki au ft. bes frend ethan gameplays. of course this is my favourite, have you read it? it's good!

Feelings are fair game for nine months out of the year, but God forbid you develop a crush during Hanahaki Season; three months of coughing up petals just because you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back? It’s a damn inconvenience. You haven’t had an active Hanahaki Season in the four years since you started YouTube, and you think that since you’re in quarantine, not going outside, not meeting new people, you’ll be fine this year too! Except that you start playing Among Us with a group of people you’ve never met before, friends of friends, including the elusive Corpse Husband, who’s kind, and funny, and may be flirting with you, but you’re not quite sure. The point is, you make friends with him not expecting much beyond a streaming buddy, but then you get talking more often, chatting and joking at all hours in DMs, and he’s calling you sweet nicknames on stream, and you wake up on the first day of your Season coughing up flower petals and cursing yourself for falling for a man who’s first name you don’t even know!

but also because i can and will plug my own shit

Reader Insert (also my Overall favourite rn); heard your name in every love song {Ben Hardy} | 72k. fwb-to-lovers, also the author clearly has an x-men hyperfixation. actor!reader.

When you’re twelve and you have a crush on your babysitter, your parents think it’s puppy love, think it’s cute, and you’ll forget about it soon enough. When you’re fifteen, and your former babysitter’s on TV in one of the UK’s most successful soap operas, and is still decidedly hot, all you can remember is the advice he’d given you, and how he’d let you win when playing videogames. When you’re nineteen and you score a supporting role in an X-Men film, the last thing you’d expected was to be acting opposite your former babysitter, and - as it turns out - romancing his character; he’s still decidedly handsome, and you’re definitely not a little kid anymore. He doesn’t even recognize you, and you know what? You’re glad.

OC Fic; Molotov Heart {Alex Summers} | 70k (ish). follows the sequel x-men trilogy and literally spans 20 years. ALSO CLEARLY THE AUTHOR HAS AN X-MEN HYPERFIXATION

Aoibheal Cassidy didn't hesitate to follow her big brother, Sean, when he's recruited by Charles and Erik, even if she's not technically a mutant (yet). By his side, she grows up as the youngest member of Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, but world won't wait for a girl to grow up, and her life is torn apart by war and disaster; things get worse before they get better. As the years pass, she realises she always ends up on Charles's team with Alex and Hank by her side, even if she's not the little girl they once knew.

and finally, purely canon fic: not from the absence of violence | Breaking Bad. 6.5k. au where jesse gets out of the business like he wants to in season 5, and comes home to find a teenage runaway living in his house.... actually its kind of a little bit of an oc fic but not the way my oc fics usually are.

Sometimes a family is one of the (former) best meth cooks in America, his two best friends who happen to be (former) meth dealers, a teenage runaway, and five million dollars. -- "...and the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it." - Richard Siken

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

I feel very very lucky and very blessed to receive such lovely and kind comments on the fics that I write, but I've got two that stand out the most in my mind, and it's the comments @bingusmode and @marvelsmurphy left on the aforementioned once you say it out loud it can't be undone {Corpse Husband},,,, literally i would die for both of them. i reread the comments on that fic every so often because everyone is so damn lovely, but i just grin like an idiot and turn into that picture of kermit hugging his phone whenever i read their comments specifically. i love you guys

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less.

for my upcoming fic that i posted those memes about a few days ago; 'god's perfect idiot {Wilbur Soot}'

light-hearted streamer joins smp; shocks everyone with capacity for angst

I loved this!! feel free to send in more!!

#your local homosexual with no chill

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biletdoux · 4 years

Text

stages of love | j.jh TEASER

Pairing: jung jaehyun (nct) + female!reader

Rating: G (teaser), M (completed work)

Genre + Tropes: college!au, romance (angst, fluff, smut)

Warnings: none (in the teaser), full warning list will be posted with completed work

Length: 1.7k+ (teaser), TBA (completed work)

Summary: A playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart.

(Or; your relationship with Jung Jaehyun in ten songs.)

Note: I didn’t intend to post a teaser, but maybe it will motivate me to write faster if I at least just put something out?? maybe lol. Story is based on an 8track playlist I found years ago which has been lost over time. I tried writing this story many times, but I finally got to it, so we’ll see how it goes. Let me know what you think ! <333

1. Peach by IU

smitten at first sight.

“How can I explain this feeling?”

“Alright, I think that sums up about everything we need to cover for today’s lecture. Remember, most of this will be in your final exam. Any questions before you’re all dismissed?”

“Okay, you’re free to go. Chapters nineteen and twenty are due the next time we meet.”

You breathe out a sigh of relief, ready to head out with the rest of the class. You like Professor Jang and find that he makes history somewhat digestible, but he had a tendency to lose track of time, which is inconvenient, but more so today since you had agreed to meet up with Yeri. You glance at your phone to see text notifications and curse to yourself. You’re already ten minutes late and Yeri is many things and impatient is one of them.

“About time,” she scowls, “what took you so long?”

You shoot her an apologetic look, “aww, Yeri,” you pout your lips a little too dramatically, “I’m sorry. I just came from history and you know how Professor Jang is.”

Yeri says nothing in silent agreement and you place your stuff down across the table next to the chair she reserved for you. You pull out your wallet and weave through the packed cafe to head to the order counter. The line is long and you patiently review the menu. Your roommate has consistent tastes and always orders a vanilla frappuccino regardless of which cafe she goes to, but you base your decision on your mood. You mull over your choices and by the time you reach the barista taking your order, you decide you’re in an ‘iced Americano’ kind of mood today. You have exams on top of exams you need to review for and a stronger caffeine kick is much needed.

Between re-summarizing chapters and answering review questions, you muse to yourself about how your college experience thus far hasn't been that much different from your high school life. You didn’t necessarily hate high school, per say, but it was safe to say you didn’t enjoy it. Your heart was in the arts, specifically music, and you had found studying the core subjects to be boring and tedious. You remember being ecstatic to have been accepted and enrolled in a music college, foolishly thinking your days of solving differential equations and memorizing chemical formulas were over. You specifically remember daydreaming of your hours being filled with keyboard practice and composition notes and only such things. Somehow the reality of mandatory general education courses slipped your mind when you constructed such fantasies.

Despite frivolous and preconceived notions of college, you have already survived a semester and you are nearly through your second.

“Hey, do you remember when this stats assignment is due?” Yeri’s inquiring voice snaps you out of your brief reverie and you search your cluttered brain for a date.

“Uh, I think it’s due, like, a few days before the final, but I’d have to double check.”

Yeri nods. “Alright, well let’s take a small break. We have some time till then, we don’t have to finish all of it today.”

Her eyes glisten with wicked interest. “No. Do tell.”

Break time is always synonymous with gossip hour between you and Yeri.

You spend the next fifteen minutes dishing what you know and Yeri offers her own input whenever she feels fit.

“And they think they’re being discreet, but the whole dorm knows they’ve been sneaking around, but guess wha─” Before you can finish your sentence, you were cut off by a loud and energetic voice calling out Yeri’s name.

He smiles happily at Yeri and greets her. “Hey Yeri, how’s it going?” He notices you there and gives you a polite wave, which you return in the same manner.

Yeri replies back breezily, but with her full attention. “Good. Did you need anything, Mark?”

Yeri’s eyes widen, “ah right! I completely forgot about it. It’s a good thing you found me here today, huh? Here, I’ll give you my number.”

Mark smiles again, this time a little more sure than before. “All good. I’ll see you tomorrow, Yeri.”

They wave goodbye and you watch Mark scamper from the cafe. Your eyes follow him, but Yeri is already focused on you again, paying Mark’s retreating form no mind.

“So…” you start.

“So?” She returns.

“He’s cute.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she shrugs. “I barely know him though. We have music theory together, but this is the first time we’ve talked all semester and we’re only talking because we got paired up for a project.”

Yeri gives you a hard look and you decide to let it go despite finding your best friend’s situation to be amusing.

“Anyway, keep telling me about Jiwon and Youngjae. You never finished.” Yeri changes the topic, knowing that you might decide to pester her again if she doesn’t.

The reaction is almost instantaneous.

“Like you were saying?” Yeri urges, but her words fall on deaf ears, for all your attention is captured by the boy next to Mark with heart-shaped lips.

“Hello?” Yeri sounds annoyed, but you struggle to find the words to answer her.

How silly, you muse. Not to be dramatic, but you think you’re in love.

#nctcreations #jaehyun scenario #jaehyun fanfic #jaehyun angst #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun smut #nct scenario #nct fanfic #nct angst #nct fluff #nct smut

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jaskiers-sweetkiss · 4 years

Text

Sunset Swerve - Part 6

Pairings: Luke x OC

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: light cursing

A/N: Day 6 of @jatp-week is favorite fanfic trope and since I’m a sucker for enemies to lovers here’s the next chapter of Sunset Swerve! We’re through episode 5 now. Some house keeping before you get into the chapter: song lyrics are italicized and the songs used in this chapter are Get Gone and Last Song by Thalia Mar. Idk why but the jatp soundtrack reminded me of her music so I figured why not make them Apollo 81 songs? Definitely recommend checking her out! As always, let me know what you think!

Part 5 Masterlist

___

“Where are they?” Julie paced backstage.

“They’ll be here any minute,” Jordan had reassured the girl last time she had asked. That had been nearly an hour ago and this time the ghost girl had no explanation for their absence.

She frowned as she considered what might be keeping the three ghost boys from their first gig. The only feasible explanation she could come up with was that they’d gotten what they needed from Willie’s friend and were currently confronting Bobby. The thought made her blood boil, that they would abandon the girls for revenge.

“I have no idea,” Jordan answered the pacing girl, “But I have an idea.” “Idea for what? Can you like summon them here or something?” Julie asked skeptically but at least she had stopped pacing.

“No.” Julie frowned. “But, I know a way Julie and the Phantoms can still perform. Well, Julie and the Phantom, singular.”

“We can’t perform without the guys, we need them for all our songs.”

“True,” Jordan admitted. “But there are some old songs I wrote with Apollo 81 that we could perform with just the two of us.”

“You want to learn a brand new set of songs and perform them tonight?” Julie questioned, crossing her arms and giving Jordan a look that clearly showed her disbelief.

“I already know the songs and you’re a freaking music prodigy, we can absolutely do it.” Jordan protested, “I’ll pop back to the studio to get my notebook and meet you in the band room, okay?”

Julie nodded, smiling at her in a way that told Jordan how crazy she thought she was.

Jordan appeared in the studio a moment later and quickly scrambled up the later to the loft, sifting through her left behind belongings for her old song notebook. She kept the most recent one on her at all times in her bag but it was filled with songs for a four-piece band, none of which she could rework in time for herself and Julie to perform. However, she knew somewhere in the loft there was a notebook of songs she and the girls had been working on just for fun, some of which could easily be performed by just the two of them.

She thrusted it into the air triumphantly when she finally found it in an old box with some Apollo 81 memorabilia. She quickly poofed back to the school, landing on the piano bench next to Julie.

“Did you find it?” She asked after recovering from being startled by the ghost’s sudden appearance.

“Got it right here,” Jordan held up the notebook before flipping through the pages. “So I was thinking we could start with...”

Jordan walked Julie through her thought process on the setlist before they got to work. Just two songs to learn as fast as they could. They practiced for nearly an hour, Julie finally seeming comfortable enough with the lyrics and melodies to make it work when she got a text from Flynn.

“We should get out there,” Jordan said, moving to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder but forgetting that was impossible. “We’ve got this.”

Julie nodded, taking a deep breath before holding her head high and marching out of the band room. Jordan whooped excitedly as she followed behind her.

“Get ready cause Julie and the Phantoms are about to rock your socks off!” She called excitedly though she knew only Julie could hear her.

Julie shook her head, laughing at the girl’s outdated phrases.

“It’s eleven o’clock, you gotta perform,” Flynn said when they arrived backstage. “Even without the guys you’ll sound amazing.”

Julie smiled at the compliment.

“Don’t worry, Jordan and I have a plan.”

“You’re going on?” A voice asked from behind them and Julie froze.

Jordan cooed silently at how adorable the blond boy was, clearly caring about Julie and the band.

Julie nodded, though Jordan could see the nerves filling her again. Nick grinned from ear to ear before running out on stage.

“Guess what guys!” He exclaimed, grabbing Flynn’s microphone. “Julie fixed the hologram thing! Who’s ready for a show?”

The crowd erupted into cheers and Jordan grinned, starting to bounce on the balls of her feet as she felt the mix of nerves and adrenaline pumping through her body as it always did before a performance.

“Uh, hi,” Julie said, stepping onto the stage and accepting the mic from Nick.

“You’ve got this,” Jordan called out reassuringly and Julie took a breath, starting stronger.

“So, here’s the thing: even though we got the machine fixed, thanks to Nick,” she smiled at the boy and the crowd cheered, “I still can’t link up with all the guys, WiFi am I right?” She joked, gaining chuckles from a few people in the crowd.

“So, the shows going to look a little different tonight. It’s just me and Jordan, hope you don’t mind.” She smiled lightly and the crowd cheered while Jordan whooped again from behind her.

Flynn grinned at her best friend, giving her two thumbs up as she walked off stage.

“Get all your bags, get out my house, I don’t want your stuff around. I never did you wrong, but you did me wrong so go ahead and get gone,” Julie sang from the piano, repeating the intro once before Jordan joined in.

She poofed onto the stage, guitar in hand as she took over the melody, Julie jumping up from the piano as the crowd cheered for what they thought were hologram effects. As Jordan played Julie began to stomp and clap out a back beat, getting the crowd to follow along as she joined her bandmate in center stage.

“All this time, I wasted on you,” she began the first verse, the crowd yelling excitedly as the girls played. “You’d think I’d feel something. You thought wrong. I feel nothing, so now I guess it’s your move.”

“You used my back as a door, left me for dead on the floor. You didn’t try no not one bit,” Jordan took over for the pre chorus, leaning into her own mic. “Thought I came off as weak, well this is me proving you wrong.”

“Get all your bags, get out my house...” Julie took over the chorus once more, Jordan singing the backup harmonies.

Before she knew it the song was over and the crowd was screaming. Jordan grinned, slinging her guitar to the side as she pulled her mic from the stand.

“Hi, guys!” She greeted the gymnasium. “We’re Julie and the Phantoms!” The name was met with a roar of applause from the students. “I hope you don’t mind that we deviated from our usual rock sound for you tonight.

“For this next song I wanna get my girl Flynn up here!” Jordan spoke, waving the girl onto the stage again. “As you’ve all seen tonight, Flynn is crazy talented and I’m hoping she can help us out with this next song as we’re missed a few hands,” she laughed, gesturing to the mostly empty stage and Flynn nodded, moving over to her setup.

“This ones called Last Song, hope you like it,” Jordan grinned, gesturing to Julie who had returned to the piano.

While Julie began the first verse, switching the keyboard to an organ sound Jordan explained to Flynn what they needed.

“...I never let it go cause you never gave me the chance to,” Flynn joined in with the beat and Jordan grinned. “I never had the time to talk and be done with you, so I say it now,”

“This is the last song I promise you at least for now,” as Jordan came in on her guitar Julie bounded over, holding out her microphone for the ghost to take over the chorus. “This is the last song I’ll ever write about you.”

The two girls fed off each other’s energies and the cheers from the crowd, neither one able to keep the smiles off their faces. It was over before Jordan was ready for it to be, the three girls taking a bow and Jordan disappearing once more.

She watched from the side of the stage as Julie thanked their audience and soaked up the applause with her best friend. The gymnasium emptied out not long after and once she was sure Julie was all set she poofed away, planning to give the guys a piece of her mind.

When she arrived back at the Hollywood Ghost Club she wasn’t sure what she was expecting but it hadn’t been a hopping party with a massive band. The whole room was dancing and Jordan couldn’t help but bop along to the beat as well as she searched for her bandmates. She finally found them as the song wound down, all three of them right in the middle of the stage.

“The haunting hour is upon us!” A man in a fabulous purple suit called when the clock struck midnight and the crowd replied with a low ‘ooooh’ before the band kicked up again.

Jordan watched with crossed arms as Luke scrambled to get the boys together, the trio rushing towards the exit where she was stood.

“Oh shit,” Luke cursed, stumbling to a stop in front of her and holding his arms out to stop the guys behind him.

“Yeah,” Jordan said snidely and the guys gulped.

“Gentlemen, what’s the rush?” The purple suited man from before questioned as he poofed behind the group and Jordan turned to face him. “You must be Jordan. We certainly missed you tonight.”

“Looks like I missed out on quite the party,” Jordan replied sincerely before turning to glare at the guys.

“Well the party’s just getting started, and you have an eternity after all,” he quirked an eyebrow at her and she smiled gratefully at the offer.

“Y’know that girl who can see us?” Reggie interjected, pushing forward past the guys. “We sort of bailed on her. See there’s this dance at her school tonight, and she’s got this friend Flynn who’s a super cool dj like-“

“Okay, I don’t think he has an eternity to hear the story,” Alex cut him off.

“Basically we’re late for a gig,” Luke summarized and Jordan snorted, late was an understatement.

“But what about my offer?” Purple suit asked and Jordan frowned.

“What offer?” She asked, looking between the man and her bandmates.

“To join my house band,” he answered, spreading his arms out in a grandiose gesture. “Naturally the offer is extended to you as well, I’ve heard you possess a great musical talent.”

“Thank you,” she blushed at the compliment. “But, I’m already in a band.”

“Yeah, it’s like we said Mr. Covington,” Luke started but purple suit held up a hand to stop him.

“You have your own band, I understand.” He said, his seemingly warm smile not quite reaching his eyes. “But, if you ever wanna come back and fix that little problem with your friend, the Hollywood Ghost Club is always open.”

The guys grinned at the offer and Jordan held back a sigh. She understood the importance of getting back at Bobby but their pursuit of revenge was kind of becoming a problem.

“Yeah, man, we’d love to come back,” Luke accepted and purple suit smiled, reaching out to shake his hand.

“Music to my ears,” he said, shaking each boy’s hand in turn and then reaching Jordan. She hissed slightly as she felt something burn into her wrist as they shook hands.

“Oh, it’s just a little club stamp.” He explained as she watched the purple symbol fade away and they all nodded at the explanation.

“Until next time,” he said, chuckling deeply. It was actually mildly disturbing, Jordan thought.

She stood and watched as each boy filed out of the building, not planning to let them out of this one. Alex took a moment longer to inquire about Willie, which Jordan allowed because truthfully she was rooting for them.

Once they were out of the club, they all poofed to the school, Jordan appearing next to Julie under a now half-popped balloon arch.

“Julie we are ready to rock this.... dance,” Reggie called as the guys ran into the gym, faltering as they took in the scene before them.

“We are so, so sorry that we bailed on you,” Luke said, stopping next to Reggie as they faced Julie who had since stood up, adopting a disappointed stance.

“Yeah, the night really got away from us,” Alex continued.

“And the twin,” Reggie added, only to be met with glares form the other three ghosts.

“Why didn’t you come get us?” Luke asked, turning on Jordan accusatorially.

“Nuh uh, don’t you turn this on her,” Julie sassed, stepping between the two ghosts. “You guys were supposed to be here. She’s not your babysitter.”

“You’re right, we’re so sorry,” Luke sighed, staring down at his shoes. “But we’ll make it right, we’ll do whatever it takes. We’ll play the next school-“

“What, another dance where you can bail on me and make me look like a fool? Save it,” Julie spoke and Jordan gulped. “If it weren’t for Jordan I never would’ve been able to show my face here again!”

“You know what sucks?” She continued, growing more emotional as the confrontation went on. “Our songs were good. And all three of you knew what I’ve been through. How tough it’s been for me to play, and you do this? Bands don’t do that to each other. Friends don’t do that to each other.”

Jordan tried to hide her sniffles as she discreetly wiped the tears from her eyes. She couldn’t handle Julie’s speech and the heartbreak obvious on the guys’ faces. She had wanted them to get shamed a little for their mistake, she was disappointed in them herself, but not like this. She couldn’t stand to see all her new friends this upset, especially with each other.

“This was a mistake,” Julie said quietly but firmly.

“Y-you mean the school dance right?” Luke gulped.

“No.” Julie said coldly, “I mean joining a band with you guys.”

Before any of them could stop her she was running out of the gym, both Luke and Jordan calling out her name as she left.

“Why couldn’t you have just come and gotten us, Moss,” Luke spat, turning his heartbreak and frustrations on her.

Jordan sniffled, no longer trying to hide her tears as she stood from the gym floor.

“Why couldn’t you have just been responsible?” She wasn’t sure where she’d found a voice through her tears and swirling emotions, but the voice she found was full of malice and betrayal.

Before they could get into another of their signature fights she poofed out, reappearing in the studio. She didn’t stay long, only taking the time to grab her book before running up the path to the house and Julie’s room. She hoped the girl wouldn’t mind that she was there, but she was certain she wasn’t welcome in the loft anymore.

She nearly collapsed in pain upon arrival in the room. A sharp jolt of pain had shot through her chest, it felt almost as if she were dying again.

“What the hell was that?” She groaned quietly to herself, curling up on the ground.

Part 7

___

JATP Taglist: @meangirlsx

Sunset Swerve Taglist: @oopsiedoopsie23 @angryknightstatesmantrash @onlygetaway @deni-gonzalez @advicefromnixxxx @brooke0297

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scarletwinterxx · 4 years

Text

Coming Home pt.4

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

PART ONE || TWO || THREE || FOUR || FIVE || FINALE || BONUS

The weekend was restless, I couldn’t sleep without waking up every few hours. My mind can’t seem to shut off. My argument with Jaehyun before he left was just nagging in my head.

I was in need of someone to talk to so i called a friend I knew could knock some sense into me.

“I’m 2 minutes away, open the door my hands are full”

“Stop bossing me around we’re not in the office, you’re not even my boss” I muttered, walking to the front door. When I opened it Johnny was already standing there, phone in one hand and a bunch of other stuff on the other

“What is that?” I asked, tucking my phone in my back pocket then opened the door wider to let the giant in

“Gifts for Chae Yoon, Jae told me she likes the cookies near his new place and told me to get some for her. These are toys from her favorite uncle, me” he said while setting down the drinks he was holding “And this is for our coffee talk, but first let me see the little cutie”

“Like I said, Hyuck is still her favorite” I replied but he ignored me, already making his way to the living room where Chae was playing.

I could hear Johnny smothering my kid from the other room while I put the cookie he brought on a plate to give to Chae

“You look cuter, heard you can walk now. Oh wow” he said to the little girl who was happily smiling back at him. No one was really immune to this little girl’s charm, one smile from Chae Yoon can make you want to give her everything she asks for

“You look just like your dad, it’s crazy”

“No need to remind me” I mumbled, taking a seat on the couch

“You two good? I mean I know you’re not since you called me, and he also called to ask me to check up on you and Chae” Johnny said, shooting me a worried look

“I’m fine, we just had an argument”

“Sounds serious to me if he can’t call you himself, can I know what happened?” he asked

So i retold the happenings last Friday, Johnny is like a big brother that I’ve never had. Both Mark and I are very close to him, he’s practically family.

“That’s like years of arguments summarized into one, both of you were tired and stressed. He has his worries and you’re frustrated but trying to hide it. if anything, it’s good that you two finally said what you’ve been thinking for so long”

“What he said hurt, Johnny. How can he say I wanted to leave him that bad? Was I awful to him? I can’t recall one moment where I didn’t have his back. I was always on his side no matter what. It hurt hearing him say that”

“I can’t speak for Jaehyun, but I know he’ll never hurt you intentionally. He’s a good guy, he just needs some time”

“was 7 years not enough?” I chuckled

“You don’t always end up with the one you love, just like you said. Do what’s best for the both of you and for Chae Yoon”

“I don’t have a doubt that he’s a good father, atleast I know someone will love my daughter for the rest of her life” I said, looking at the little kid playing with her favorite teddy bear

“Just, don’t forget to love yourself too okay? I love the both of you, I really do. Even if you two don’t end up together as long as you’re happy”

“And you, baby girl. Always be happy like this, a lot of people love you” he told the little girl who was currently running around Johnny, screaming in joy.

Monday came, things got a bit hectic and I called in to work from for the day. Ofcourse Taeyong didn’t question my request. Fully understanding the situation.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m taking advantage of my friendship with my boss, so I’m still doing all the work like I’m at the office.

“Yes, those drafts have been approved and can be sent to the design department. I already had a meeting with Yuta, he says he can take over from there” I said through the call.

Chae is in the living room, while I was sitting on the dining table with my laptop infront of me and paper strewn across the table.

“I just have one more progress report to send, but after that we can take a new contract to review. You can send it to me maybe some time this week-” I cut off midsentence when I heard Chae crying, give me a second

“Hey can I call again later” I excused myself and walked to the living room, Chae Yoon wasn’t sitting where I left her. I followed her cries to see her sitting behind the couch,

“Baby how did you get there?” I asked, quickly picking her up to shush her. I noticed a big red bump starting to form on her forehead

“Did you fall? Oh my god” I said quickly checking her body, she winced and hit my hand away when I tried to lift her left arm. I didn’t even think twice, I grabbed my phone and my keys rushing out the apartment.

-----------------

Jaehyun was not going to lie, he’s been distracted throughout this whole business trip. He’s not usually like this, always focused on his work ready to perform his best. But then again him and Y/N have never had an argument as big as they did before he left.

He left bad leaving like that after arguing. He wanted to explain himself, tell her he was sorry but seeing her cry like that broke him. For the first time since the breakup this was the only time he saw her cry.

He didn’t mean to hurt her like that. He did love her. He still loves her.

He also knows she deserves better.

“Jaehyun?” Rose called out, calling his attention again. It wasn’t the first time his thought drifted away, fleeting all the way back to where his home was.

“Yes, sorry. I think Taeil will approve. If they carry on with the offer and not go any lower than what we previously discussed then we can definitely sign with them before we head back” Jaehyun answered, his mind half present in the moment

“Okay, I can tell the representative and managers later. Is there anything else we need to discuss? The expansion in China right?” she asked, opening another folder to read out more details

“We can set a meeting with Sicheng when we get back to Korea, I’ll tell my secreta-” he was cut off when his phone started to ring.

It was Taeyong.

He thought for a second why his hyung would be calling in the middle of the day, they both had work.

The first call he let it ring out, for a second the vibrating stopped. But then it started again, this time Johnny’s name was flashing on the screen.

He started to get this feeling that something is wrong so he quickly excused his self,

“Yes hyung? I’m in a meeting”

“Y/N is at the hospital right now, I’m on my way. Taeyong too” Johnny said so fast but it felt like Jaehyun’s world stopped.

A hundred wrong things already rushing through his mind

“Can you give me a second?” he said then walked back in the meeting room

“Hey I’m sorry but I need to cut this meeting short, there seems to be an emergency” he told Rose who answered with a smile, fully understanding the situation.

“Hyung, are you there yet?” Jaehyun asked, already rushing out of the office and back to his hotel

“Yes I’m on my way to their room” he can hear voices from the other side and Johnny asking for your name

“What happened? Is Y/N okay?”

“It wasn’t Y/N, Chae Yoon got into an accident at home”

Jaehyun paused, his world felt like it stopped. Then he was in full protective mode, “I’m hoping on the next flight back, please stay with them”

The flight back to Korea seemed a bit longer than really was, Jaehyun felt like he was just floating. Not really knowing what he was doing, he threw his stuff back in his suitcase while staying on the phone to look for the earliest flight back,

The whole ride back his leg was bouncing rapidly, wanting nothing but to hold his daughter in his arms and make sure she was okay.

He felt like the worst father, not being there for her right now. He could only imagine how Y/N feel.

When he got to the hospital and asked for the room his daughter was admitted in, he saw Johnny standing outside on the phone with someone.

Johnny looked up and saw the younger one walking towards him, “Jaehyun is here, you don’t have to drive down Mark. It’s fine we’ll take care of her, don’t worry too much” he said then bid goodbye to Y/N’s brother.

“Hyung” he breathed out, slightly out of breath from running through the parking lot to here

“They’re in there, Taeyong’s in there too. Y/N’s napping with Chae, she just stopped crying just now” he explained, and then Taeyong stepped out of the room gently closing the door behind him

“Oh thank god you’re here, Chae Yoon is fine. She bumped her head and her left arm is a bit swollen because she fell on that side” his Hyung further got into detail, his heart breaking just thinking about his daughter being in pain. Wishing it was him instead

“Y/N was in shock, she wouldn’t stop crying when we got here. I think she passed out while crying”

“I can go to their apartment to get some stuff Chae needs, how about you? do you have a change of clothes?” Taeyong asked him, gesturing to the suit he was still wearing

“Yea, I have my suitcase in the car. I’ll stay with them” he mumbled, his hyung gave him a pat on the back before walking away

“You okay, Jae?” Johnny asked the younger one

“Yea, just... feeling guilty” he mumbled, admitting the defeat and guilt now occupying his mind

“Don’t be, it was an accident. Chae is fine, if anything I think she was just shocked and got a little bit anxious seeing Y/N cry”

“I’ll grab dinner for us, go be with your family” and with that Johnny said goodbye, leaving Jaehyun alone in the hallway outside the door.

He took a deep breath as if to prepare himself before gently opening the door, careful not to disturb his daughter or Y/N

The sight that welcomed him made his heart ache and full at the same time, the uneasiness he felt those past few days were gone.

There were a lot of realizations in that moment. One was he wished he could take back those words he said to Y/N, number two was he missed his daughter much more than he thought he did and last was that Johnny was right.

They are his family.

With those realizations he slowly walked closer to the bed, standing behind the chair Y/N was currently sitting on. Her head was resting on her arm, her eyes puffy and nose still a bit red. He looked over his daughter, a little bump on her forehead but apart from that he didn’t see any other visible injuries. It didn’t lessen his worries though.

He thought about it for a second before gently laying a hand on Y/N’s back, her eyes quickly opening and landing on their daughter before looking behind her.

The moment their eyes met, her eyes started to water again

“Hey, don’t cry. It’s okay” he said in the most gentle tone, trying not to wake Chae Yoon and to calm Y/N down

“It’s my fault, I- I wasn’t watching her” she said in between hiccups, he knelt in front of her then took the her hands that was resting on her lap

“It was an accident, she doesn’t blame you no one’s blaming you” he told her sincerely but she just kept on crying

“I’m such a bad m-”

“Don’t. Don’t even finish that sentence. You’re a good mother, the best one. Just because one accident happened does not mean you’re a bad mom” he said, he tried to wipe the tears away but it kept on coming

He’s now standing in front of her, Y/N still bowed down and her cries could still be heard

“Hey, come here” he said pulling her to him, it didn’t even take a second before she was crying on his chest with his arms around her

“She’s going to be okay, you know she hates seeing you cry” he said while rubbing her back in hopes of giving her come comfort,

She didn’t need to say anything, for a while they stayed like that, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

After a while her cries stopped but made no effort to move, Jaehyun leaned on the bed their daughter was lying on so now Y/N’s head was resting on the crook of his neck while standing inbetween his legs

“You want to sit down?” he asked her,

“No”

“Okay” he held he a bit tighter.

They both knew they had a lot to talk about still, but right now this was what they needed. It made the most sense. Later on they knew they had to face the facts once again.

----------------------------

After the crying fest, I finally stopped crying. Again. Finally realizing that Jaehyun’s here. I turned to him, he must’ve felt me staring at him

“What?” he asked

“You’re here” I simply said, he chuckled at my statement “Yes”

“You’re not supposed to be home til tomorrow, right?”

“You think I could not come home when Johnny called?” he asked back, totally understanding what he meant,

I was going to call him first but it just so happened that Taeyong was calling to ask about another report but I hurriedly explained I was driving down to the hospital because Chae got into an accident, After that everything was just a blur. I was both in shock and panicking and trying to drive both of us safely to the hospital that it totally flew over my head to call him.

“I was going to call you but I just... I was” I tried to explain but not really finding the words

“It’s fine, Y/N. I should’ve been here anyways” he mumbled, now looking at Chae with a look of sadness on his face

“You didn’t know this was going to happen” I answered, laying a comforting hand on his arm

“I’m sorry”

“It wasn’t your fault, Jae. You don’t have to say sorry” I told him

“Not about that but for making you upset, for saying those things to you” Jaehyun said, nothing but sincerity in his voice

“I know”

“We’ll talk about it once everything is better with this little one, but I need you to know I really am sorry. It was very selfish of me to say those, especially to when you’ve been nothing but great to me”

“We all have our faults, Jae. I made the choice of loving you, whether or not you love me back that’s all up to you. It hurt hearing you say it, but I’m not mad. There’s still a lot to talk about and we can do that when we get home”

We looked straight into each other’s eyes, coming to a agreement that this could wait and that our daughter was the main priority. But it did make me feel a bit better hearing him say it.

“Yea, home”

“Dada” we hear a little voice call out, Jaehyun’s head turned so fast I was afraid he injured his neck

“Yes, baby? I’m here” Jaehyun leaned down to her, a gentle kiss landing on our daughter’s forehead

“Dada” she said again, a little bit happier this time. She probably realized that her favorite human was finally here

For a second I was just staring at the two interact when a thought popped into my head,

“Oh my god” I said making Jaehyun turn to me

“What? What happened?” he asked worriedly

“That was her first word. Jae, she just said her first word” I said, feeling shocked the second time today. Jaehyun then realized the same thing, quickly looking at Chae Yoon again

“Who am I, baby?” he asked pointing to himself, the little girl smiling up at him and grabbing his face with her little chubby hands

“Dada” she happily replied, as if understanding just what Jaehyun asked her

“Yes, that’s me. Oh my god”

“Are you crying?” I asked him, chuckling as he tried to discreetly wipe away a tear

“No” I raised a brow at him

“Yes, she just called me dada” he said, the smile on his face so big he’s dimples were on full display

“Well you are her father”

“Let me have my moment” he said rolling his eyes at me before turning back to Chae Yoon who was now pulling on his hair

“She looks like you, is named after you and her first word is dada. How is this fair?” I jokingly asked, taking the seat I was previously occupying before Jaehyun got here

“Better luck next time, I guess” he teasingly told me

“As far as I know she’s the only child I have”

“Well for now”

“Jung Jaehyun”

“What?” the cheeky smile on his face was too cute I only managed to roll my eyes at him again

“You hear that? Mama said-”

“I didn’t say anything”

“Mama’s jealous you look like dada, but secretly she really loves it” he told the little girl, Chae Yoon continued on smiling up at her father now an identical dimple on display.

A knock on the door took my attention, Chae Yoon’s pediatrician walked in

“Oh Hi Jaehyun, good to see you. Y/N, I have the results of the x-ray and mri” Jaehyun turned to me, silently asking for an explanation

“They just had to check to see if she has a possible concussion because of the fall, and she flinched when I tried to raise her left arm” I quickly explained then turned back to the doctor

“Yes, well good news both tests came back clear. No broken bones or anything. Did she take a nap?”

“Yes but only after you told me she could”

“We had to keep her up for a while just to be sure, sleeping when there’s a possible concussion can be dangerous but no worries she’s all good now” the doctor explained to the both of us

“All is clear, she can go home now if you guys want. She’ll be more at ease and comfortable at your home” the doctor said, I looked over to Jaehyun to find him already looking at me

“Yea, sure that would be great” I answered

“Alright, I’ll prepare the paperworks. Just go to the nurse’s desk to sign” the doctor said a quick goodbye before exiting the room.

Just as the doctor exit the room, two other enter

“Was that her doctor? Is everything alright?” Taeyong asked, passing a bag of Chae Yoon’s things to Jaehyun

“Yes, turns out we actually don’t need to stay for the night. But thanks for the stuff, I’ll change her before going home”

“I brought dinner, can we just eat this at your place?” Johnny asked, gesturing to the bags of take outs he brought

“Sure, Did you eat yet? Wait, did you come straight from the airport?” I asked Jaehyun, now that things have calmed down I see that he’s still weaning a suit

“Yes, I have my stuff in the car”

“You flew wearing that?” I asked again

“Yes, he did. He hopped on the earliest flight he could, he didn’t have to change, Chae Yoon is fine” Johnny said, listing all the things we just said

I rolled my eyes at him, getting Chae Yoon’s change of clothes

“We’re going to baby proof the whole house, that would be fun” the gentle giant told the baby who was happily watching him in amusement, it was almost as if everything that happened earlier was long forgotten.

Taeyong was looking back and forth between me and Jaehyun, silently trying to understand the situation. I shot him a small smile which he returned.

“She can say dada now” Jaehyun proudly says making me sigh, I just knew this was only the start of him boasting about it

“Can she now? You’re such a daddy’s girl no wonder he’s whipped” Taeyong said, Jaehyun just smiled down at the little girl with nothing but adoration in his eyes.

“Okay okay, I’ll go change her. Why don’t you go and sign the paperworks” I told Jae, ready to take Chae Yoon home.

The two older ones went with him leaving me with Chae Yoon,

“Mommy’s really sorry baby, I hope you don’t hate me now. Of course you don’t, you only have love in your heart don’t you” she was smiling up at me, her little face peeking through the hole of the shirt. Not to be biased but she is the most adorable baby I have ever seen.

“I’m really sorry, I’ll take better care of you from now” I said then picked her up carefully, her hands holding my face and giving me a kiss

“You love mommy? Love you too, baby girl. Always”

After settling the paperworks and making sure everything was on the clear with Chae Yoon we all drove back home. Taeyong drove while I sat at the back with Chae Yoon while Johnny and Jaehyun were following behind with their own cars.

“Home sweet home” Johnny said as we got to the house

“You don’t live here, Johnny” Taeyong replied, making his was to the kitchen to prepare the take outs we have

“Right, anyways good to be home huh?” he asked Chae Yoon who was a bit grumpy from the ride clinging onto her dad with her little fist and her arm wrapped around her teddy bear.

After having dinner, we talked for a while before the two older ones decided it was time to go.

“I can go down the store to get those baby proofing things I was telling you about” Jaehyun said while he cleans up Chae Yoon after getting messy while eating dinner while I clean up around the dinning table

“Aren’t you tired yet?” I asked him, he only managed to change into more comfortable clothes before dinner, he flew in from another country few hours prior

“I’m okay” he said with a smile on, how he’s not tired yet I don’t know

“Okay, if you say so”

About an hour later, I already put Chae to bed when Jaehyun came back holding a couple of bags.

“I thought you were getting one thing?” I asked him when he entered the apartment

“I bought everything, plus some midnight snacks. Is Chae asleep?”

I showed him the baby monitor showing Chae dreaming away in her crib

“Alright, let’s get to work. This are for the sockets, these are for table corners, and these are to bolt the furniture to the wall” he explained as he takes out the items one by one

I was just looking at him while he unpacks all the stuff, walking to the kitchen to get the tools under the kitchen sink. He only noticed my gaze when he came back to the living room

“What?”

“Not that I’m guilt tripping you or anything but now it’s clear who’s the better parent”

“Hey, don’t say that. We’re a team here” he chuckled

“You know exactly what to do with her, and look at me getting her hurt and all that” I mumbled, taking the socket covers and started to walk around the apartment

“I do what I can but the things you do and did for her, I can never do that. You basically gave her life, how are you a bad parent?” I hear him ask from behind me

“When I heard her cry and she couldn’t say what hurts I just... I felt helpless. I kept thinking that only if i was watching her more closely that would have never happened”

“Y/N, we’ve all had some kind of parenting fails. Would it make you feel better if I say that once I accidentally fed her too many cookies?”

“No, please don’t overfeed my baby with cookies” I mumbled, I knew he was just trying to make me feel better

“You’re not a bad parent, this won’t be the last time she falls, when she starts to learn how to ride a bike or run around the park and accidentally scrape her knee or when she trips while running to a class she’s late for. We can’t stop that, she has to learn what it feels to fall in order to learn how to stand back up, and you are the best person to teach her that”

His little speech got me a bit emotional but I don’t dare to show it.

“I can’t teach her how to ride a bike, dumb dumb”

“Right, you don’t know how to do that either my bad” the teasing tone was very evident in his voice

“Keep talking Jung Jaehyun, I will throw you out of this apartment”

After baby proofing the whole house, trying the best we could to make as safe as possible for a baby. We both slumped on the couch, sitting side by side.

“We did good” he said holding his hand out for a high five

“Yea, aren’t you going home?” I asked, noticing the time on the big wall clock

“You’re kicking me out?”

“You flew today, plus you were in endless meetings for the past couple of days. Which by the way what happened to that?” I asked, genuinely curious about the business trip he abandoned.

“It’s alright. I have a few more meetings I need to attend but I can just call Rose for rearrangements”

It shouldn’t bother me that he’s with another girl, especially if it’s a business trip but I can’t say it didn’t cross my mind

“Oh, is it about the global partnerships?” I asked, dancing around the topic

“Yea, Taeil asked me to go because the guys we’re signing with is a big asset to the company so he was skeptical to just send our global representative, plus Rose is just new to the team”

I didn’t want to ask questions.

I shouldn’t.

For a while there was just silence, both of us not having anything to say.

Jaehyun was the one to break the silence

“Y/N” he said my name as if he was scared I won’t answer him, I turned my head to look at him. Silently telling him to continue

“I- I’m sorry, for everything”

“Jae-”

“No, I shouldn’t have said the things I said. I’m sorry. It was very insensitive of me to say you wanted to leave when you’ve been nothing but be understanding towards me”

“I forgive you”

“You must really love to forgive me that easily” he said with a small smile on

“It won’t do me any good if I stay mad at you, you’re going to be in my life one way or another. I’d rather have it be on good terms than not. You may not be my fiance anymore but you will always be Chae Yoon’s father and for that I would forever be grateful to you. It gives me comfort and assurance knowing that she’s going to be loved for the rest of her life”

“If I can’t be with you but Chae can have her father, then who am I to say no? I- I broke the engagement off because I didn’t want to you feel like you hated this life, in a way I knew you’d stay even if we break things off. I wasn’t so sure what would happen to us if we kept going”

He was silent for a while before sitting up, looking around the apartment then back to me

“I was scared, I thought I was doing everything wrong, that I was letting you down” he said, “When your parents told us straight in our faces that they disapproved but you stood up for me, I wondered what did I do to deserve you. When you didn’t know how to tell me you were pregnant so you just left the test that says it’s positive on my table then I came to look for you but you were avoiding me because you didn’t know what to say”

“I didn’t” I mumbled

“We figured it out, as a team. Because that’s what we’ve been for a long time. It’s always been me and you”

He took a deep breath as if to prepare his self for the next words he’s about to say

“Now I realize what you mean, I do love you. I know how much you love me, I’m lucky to have someone love me that much. And now I want you to know that I do love you, and I understand that won’t be enough for us”

It felt like we were breaking up, but I didn’t feel sad.

Time will pass, seasons will change. It was like our story started out in the summer, all fun and warm, then fall came, we found comfort in each other and spent our time watching the seasons change together. But then the dreaded winter came, trials were thrown our way trying to break us before the warmth comes back again.

That’s what it felt like with him, that was how our story went.

“From now on, I won’t be the selfish guy I was. I won’t ask you to stay with me even when that’s all I want”

At this point I was crying again, “Hey, don’t cry. I’m sorry” he said sitting close to me then pulling my hands away from my face to wipe the tears himself

“We need some time to see what it’s like to be you and me as just you and me, we’ve always been a unit. I’m still trying to figure out how not to call you whenever I want or how I need to get used to not having you with me in the mornings”

“I’m sorry, I really am. For taking this long to realize my mistakes, for making you think you’re not loved the way you should be”

“One day, when I’m sure I’m the man who deserves your love and the man who’s really worth to spend the rest of your life with then I’ll come home to you”

“Only if you want me still” he said with a sad, hopeful smile.

“I love you” I whispered to him, I knew he knew what I meant with those three words. What I was trying to say was that I understood what he meant, that I forgive him, and that this was the end of this chapter for us.

“I love you” he said then pulled me in. The moment our lips met it felt like how it always did, like coming home. He was and has been my home. I wanted to capture this moment and keep it in a box forever because for the first time in months it felt like I wasn’t walking on eggshells or trying to hold back. It was just me and him .

He was the first one to pull away, he looked at me with one last smile and one last kiss before saying goodnight.

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