#what gets me every time i read this is. john is so so self-aware. he knows what he's doing is wrong. the way he's raising them.

[angelsdean]

BABYBOY :( also the implication of "i have the days with sammy while dean is learning..." like, so dean has the nights? is what you're saying. baby second grader dean (age 7) has the nights with sammy while john goes out and hunts. john's gotta stay home with sam because his babysitter's off at school. dean refuses to leave for school until john swears he'll take good care of sammy. he's telling their father this, as if it's dean's job to make sure sam is taken care of in his absence. he is 7.

then this passage a year later:

eight years old and "willing to die" to keep sam safe because he's had it "drilled into [him] that sammy is his responsibility." as john literally says, he's eight years old. EIGHT!

[bloodgulchblog]

my thoughts are circling again about how approaching master chief from the perspective of "he needs to regain his humanity" is an angle that would deeply alienate him and impede progress trying to get somewhere trusting with him on a personal level. i don't think he has the self-awareness to analyze or explain that feeling, but i think it's true.

the thing is his humanity's right there. it's always right there. he's just weird, he's a weird guy dealing with weird things in weird ways. it's not from a lack of humanity, it's from a lack of safety and agency and opportunity to reflect and recover from traumatic experiences.

master chief's not robotic, master chief's just a dude dealing with incredibly awful things without relent who has been doing so for his entire life. trying to ignore his emotions is a survival strategy that doesn't even work a lot of the time but he believes it does. he holds onto it because it's one of the things that almost works often enough that he can keep functioning and feeling like he's doing what he's "supposed" to be doing even though so much of this hurts so damn bad all the time.

he is humanitying in dire circumstances every single day and if someone acts like they don't even see that? it wouldn't feel like taking him in good faith, i don't think. chief has experience with outsiders scrutinizing him in an effort to find weaknesses in the spartan program as a whole and him personally, he has reason to be extremely defensive and locked down if he thinks he's being analyzed like that. if somebody's angle on john is "wow you're so not normal huh, you should be more normal :)" it makes sense to me it would read like a threat.

the only reason cortana managed to make even the tiny shreds of progress she did was because they were ride-or-die trust-you-with-my-life friends before she began to even try to talk to him about this.

[panelshowsource]

now that s17 is over, how did you like it? it feels like most people either thought it was mild or weak, which makes me sad, so i stopped going to the discussion threads about it :""( i also don't see much anticipation for s18...

aww anon well, first, if you had a good time then that's what matters! so i hope series 17 brought you a little joy each week, that's what panel shows are for in my humble opinion 😚

because i know i'm about to word vomit some word salad, i'll throw out some s17 reactions + s18 thoughts below the cut! that way anyone who is sick of my nonsense doesn't have to scroll past it lmaooo

series 17 was a decent one! i don't think it's in the hall of fame, but it's definitely nowhere near the couple of "unwatchables" as they're (pretty unfairly) called. i've talked before about one of the downfalls of a season is when a group doesn't harness their dynamic and take control of the show — when they're in the studio and just sit quietly, waiting for greg to give them permission to speak, things flow well for the editors but the experience lacks. this is why s1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, even 12 are so silly and chaotic: the contestants were constantly fighting, interrupting or pausing judging, trying to convince or gaslight or challenge greg, just...speaking! talking! interacting! if that doesn't happen, taskmaster can just feel like show and tell, which is not when it's at its best

ultimately, this is why too many polite and well-behaved people in a single series is a pleasant watch but doesn't hit very hard. this series was exceptionally nice, we have to admit. joanne followed by steve may have been the "hang on a second ☝️" contestants of the series, but not by a lot, meanwhile nick and sophie were the loveliest, pretty quiet people and john was dead silent most of the time. actually, that was something that ended up surprising me — john was so focused on the tasks, so focused on winning, most of the time he didn't pause to give significant, funny commentary while filming, didn't give us *nearly* the banter with alex i anticipated, and was particularly quiet in the studio. i knew he'd be in it to win it, don't get me wrong, but he approached taskmaster more as a richard herring than an ed gamble, if you know what i mean. it was very funny to me when he was on the tm podcast and was more or less like "i know i didn't prioritise being entertaining" lmao that earnestness can be sweet, because i do like to watch the show imagining how i would do each task, but his ~no nonsense~ approach was turned up to 11 for a lot more of the series than i anticipated. i almost wish john had leaned a little more into his self-aware neuroticism and competitiveness just because that's generally a good character on taskmaster — and this series was definitely missing that

(you know, talking about this really reinforces my belief that kerry godliman is perhaps the most perfect taskmaster contestant...ever. competitive, no nonsense and full of nonsense, top bantz, stands up for herself and tears down others but fights without being genuinely angry or butthurt, doesn't know enough to try and figure out a workaround for every single task, loves and bullies alex in equal measure... just love the woman. love her. fuck it, same for jess knappett. i miss my girls😭 this is ALSO why i think rosie is a great fit for tm)

anywayz i haven't read mucho mucho discourse about series 17, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's the vague "criticism" people: just more lowkey vibes than other series. but some people prefer that, so..!!!

i think, too, too many people look back at series 1–...7? at least and want to see the same greg–alex dynamic, approach to the prize tasks, approach to scoring, lil tricks, what have you — and that is not gonna happen again. ever. for example, greg and alex have talked too many times about how hard they try to score things "fairly" because that's become such a big point of conversation for the viewers at home and, atp, even the contestants. personally, i don't prefer that. fuck fair! this is not a real competition it's an entertainment show!! when greg was throwing out points willy nilly, bonus points for eating hair, giving 5 points to a prize just bc it's his personal sense of humour and ranking another contestant's prize low every week just bc that's a funny recurring joke/dynamic, whatever. i do not care. give phil wang 1 point every time. points schmoints. but that cannot happen anymore because the viewers starting taking the points so darn seriously. (not to mention the opportunity to do coc is now pretty coveted for its $$$ and exposure, too, i'd imagine.) the same goes for greg leaning into his dictator role, the master/slave relationship between him and alex, alex being super stoic and quiet — not only does tm think those characters and dynamics are played out, but in some ways the audience has evolved beyond all that

my point is that people get caught up in the Old Gen Taskmaster that hooked them and can't accept the ways in which the show has evolved — even if it's in their opinion for worse. do i think it would kill taskmaster to go back to slightly less convoluted tasks and commit to the 1–5 point system instead of constant ties (or "this was a 3-point effort")? no. i would like to see that lmao but i don't view the series through the lens of a series 1 fan anymore, either. a reality check would help a lot of complainers

i did read one thing i thought was interesting — that with the huge number of series we're at with tm uk, and now the accessibility of other countries' spin-offs, there is a bigger and bigger pool of God Tier Taskmaster to compare each new series to. it used to be "hmm does this new series stack up against series 4, one of the all-time greats?" but now we're stacking new series up against the top ~6 of tm uk, tm nz s2, a couple of the tm belgiums, tm aus s1, and so on. competition is stiff!! not many series can be The Very Best Of All Time, so with each new tm uk that isn't, people start to feel like the show has gone downhill when it probably is stagnant at worst. does that make sense?

i don't wanna sound like every criticism of tm can be explained away or comes from a bad place. as i've mentioned above, i have my qualms. this series, one of my major qualms and seriously unpopular opinions was that i didn't like that steve wasn't actually bringing in prizes half the time. like, he was doing bits and they were funny bits, but greg was scoring him mad high for the effort he put into his bits instead of the actual prizes he brought in for entry. i stand by that opinion, but the thing is i didn't let that ruin my experience of the show. but, maybe, it just comes down to the fact i want to like it...so i do ^^

maybe i talked way too much about criticism and negativity hahah some things i really enjoyed from this series:

nick is probably the second person following john kearns who i actively disliked before taskmaster specifically because i had only ever seen their comedy characters doing dictionary corner or a bit of standup — and i really didn't like them. (still never seen ted lasso!) lo and behold, they go on taskmaster and are S Tier Sweethearts and i see them both in totally new lights! in fact john's last standup show is being released shortly and i cannot wait to watch it — which me of the past would never believe i'm saying lmao so i'm so grateful the show opened my eyes to what a funny, sweet person nick is!! and may i say his and john's styles in the studio are massively underrated. they are both incredibly snazzy dressers!

steve and nick were a sweet little team weren't they! i think it would have been funnier to have john x sophie (the best and the worst, in their own ways) vs. the more harmonious steve x nick x sophie, but regardless it was very cute stuff

the location was great! i fucking love a big open field, i fucking love a river

greg has had some really strong intro "speeches" the last few series and i loved his this time around. they're just equal parts stupid and weird + his authoritative, classic greg delivery always makes me laugh heh

some of the strongest live tasks in a while!! catching the little monsters, passing the loo through the tube, bouncing the ball on the bar — all felt like quintessential uncomplicated classic taskmaster parlour games and they were good fun

TONS out outtakes content!

and gosh it's wonderful to have a new little hour of pleasantness to have each week :)

regarding s18... it's an interesting lineup! in a good way!! i think rosie's character is more or less a perfect fit for the taskmaster format. obviously she is one of the biggest female comedians in the uk right now, but i didn't bet on her doing tm because i didn't think the show could commit to accommodating her disability for 10 episodes. and, frankly, they may not — and i guarantee she is completely okay with that. she was born from the rhod gilbert school of showing up to fuck around, and i sleep soundly knowing she will do just that. i really like jack dee and i'm happy for alex to have made it work with him. it typically wouldn't be my choice to have two senior comedian white men on one series, and (unpopularly?) i'm not really a zaltzman person, but i have no doubt he'll be quite charming. emma sidi is part of the alex horne bubble of friends i have mentioned a few times before, but i actually don't know much about her. babatunde feels like a sensible fresh pick since he's been doing more variety/panel shows; i don't watch him on googlebox (which i love) because i don't like mo gilligan (very unsorry about this opinion heh), but what i've seen of him i've enjoyed! i don't think the group's dynamic is obvious just from their list of names, but the fact they're all comedians is VERY promising and makes me supersupersuper happy — all comedian lineups are historically the strongest. so yay!! but can you imagine who will be on a team?? god imagine a jack x rosie team lmfaoooooooooooo i live for the thought

hope that made sense and if it didn't whoops! don't mind me heheh

[cheynovak]

A Demon's Kiss Part 2

Demon Dean x F/Reader Y/N   

Warnings: Anger, aggression, nothing too bad. 

Side note: English isn’t my first language. 

-> @mayafatimakhan asked me to make a part two, so here it is, I did change the chase scene a little. Since it have been a while since I saw this scene. But have fun reading. <-  

*Does not follow The SPN storyline * 

-- 

Dean turned into a knight of hell, at one of his bar trips he sees an old flame from way back, Y/N the daughter of a hunter, he and Sam met years ago. Seeing her enjoying her time with a new man made him feel well... something. 

After their encounter Y/N decides to call Sam for help.  

--  

Y/N nervously tapped her fingers on the worn wooden bar counter, her mind swirling with a mix of emotions. She had never expected to run into Dean Winchester again after all these years.  

She looked at the display of her phone, she tried to call him , again. “This is Dean's other, other cell so, you must know what to do.” “Hi, it’s me... again. Call me.” With a sign hung up the phone.  

She knew the life he led, hunting monsters and facing dangers most people couldn't even imagine. And as much as she tried to let go, she couldn't shake off the concern that gnawed at her heart. Dean would never get possessed by a demon.  

Realising there was one other person she could call.  

"Hello?"  

"Sam," Y/N's voice wavered slightly, betraying her unease. 

"Y/N? Is everything okay?" Sam's tone was filled with concern. 

Y/N hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to express her worries without revealing too much. "I... I ran into Dean," she began, her words coming out in a rush. "He seemed...” she had no idea how much Sam already knew so she chose her words carefully. “I'm worried about him." 

There was a brief pause on the other end of the line before Sam responded, his voice calm yet tinged with urgency. "Where are you?" Y/N quickly glanced around the dimly lit bar, her eyes searching for any signs of Dean. "I'm at Murphy's " she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. 

"I'll be there soon," Sam said firmly before ending the call. As Y/N waited for Sam the memories of their time together washed over her.  

-- 

She was just sixteen when she met Sam and Dean for the first time, Dean at his age of nineteen seemed like the epitome of coolness to her adolescent self. Her father, also a hunter, often crossed paths with John.  

On that particular night, her father and John had gone on a hunt, leaving Y/N and Dean alone at their makeshift home base. Despite her attempts to act nonchalant, Y/N couldn't deny the flutter of excitement in her chest at the thought of spending time alone with Dean. 

As they sat in the dimly lit living room, the soft glow of the flickering television casting shadows across the walls, Y/N found herself stealing glances at Dean when he wasn't looking. She was acutely aware of his presence beside her, the subtle scent of his cologne mingling with the musty smell of the old couch. 

Dean, ever the charmer, had flashed her a lopsided grin, his green eyes twinkling with mischief as he placed his arm behind on the couch. "What's on your mind, kiddo?" he had asked, his voice warm and teasing. 

Y/N had felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment, quickly averting her gaze to the floor. "N-nothing," she had stammered, her heart racing in her chest. “Dean, leave the girl alone.” Sam said annoyed with his brother’s flirtation. ‘Do you have to hit on any and every female on the planet?”  

“Just a friendly conversation, Sammy.” He snapped back. “Mind your own business.”  

-- 

Her memories abrupt disturbed by the door that swung open, and Sam entered, his tall frame cutting through the dimness of the room. He quickly made his way over to Y/N, his expression grave. 

"Where is he?" Sam asked, his eyes searching hers for answers. 

Y/N nodded toward the corner where Dean had been sitting earlier, but he was nowhere to be seen. "He was here," she said, her voice tinged with worry. "He left not too long ago." 

Without another word, Sam reached into his jacket pocket, retrieving a set of keys. "Come on," he said, gesturing for Y/N to follow him. "We need to find him." 

Together, they hurried out of the bar and into the cool night air, the sound of their footsteps echoing against the deserted streets. As they climbed into the car, Y/N couldn't help but feel a sense of déjà vu, as if she were being pulled back into a world she had tried so hard to leave behind. 

As the car sped through the night, Sam glanced over at Y/N, his expression filled with concern. "How have you been, Y/N?" he asked softly, his voice breaking the silence that had settled between them. 

Y/N sighed, her gaze drifting out the window as memories of the past flooded her mind. "I've been okay," she replied, her tone tinged with a hint of sadness. "Just trying to live a normal life, you know?" 

Sam nodded, his brow furrowing with guilt. "I'm sorry I dragged you back into this," he said, his voice heavy with regret. "You made a promise to your dad not to hunt anymore, and I..." 

Y/N reached out, placing a hand on Sam's arm. "Hey, it's not your fault," she said firmly, meeting his gaze with a reassuring smile. "Helping Dean doesn't count. He's family." 

Sam's expression softened at her words, a flicker of gratitude shining in his eyes. "Thank you," he said quietly, his voice filled with emotion. "For being here for us, even after everything that's happened." 

As Y/N gazed out of the window, her thoughts drifted back to the last time she had seen Dean. Their relationship had always been a tumultuous rollercoaster ride, filled with highs and lows that mirrored the unpredictable nature of their lives. 

Being involved with Dean meant accepting the reality of his hunter lifestyle – the long absences, the constant danger. Their on-and-off dynamic had taken its toll on both of them, leaving Y/N torn between her love for Dean and the desire for a stable, normal life.  

But every time she tried to walk away, something or better yet someone, always pulled her back in. Y/N's father had hoped, dreamed she would choose a future away from hunting.  

He had seen Sam, with his steady and promising future in law school, to him he was the ideal match for his daughter her ticket out of the dangerous life they led. He couldn’t say he wasn’t relieved her daughter broke up with the older Winchester brother. But he was angry at him for breaking his daughter's heart. 

-- 

The Impala's engine hummed softly as Dean drove on the driveway in front of Y/N’s house. Y/N sat in tense silence, her arms folded tightly across her chest. Not getting out just yet. 

After what felt like an eternity, Y/N finally broke the silence, her voice tinged with anger. "Dean, we need to talk." Dean glanced over at her, his brow furrowing with concern. "What's on your mind, sweetheart?" he asked, his tone cautious. 

She took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to say. "I can't do this anymore, Dean," she said, her voice trembling with emotion. "I can't keep pretending like everything's okay when it's not." 

Dean's grip tightened on the steering wheel, his jaw clenched in frustration. "What are you talking about, Y/N?" he demanded, his tone defensive. 

Y/N turned to face him, her eyes blazing with anger. "I'm talking about us, Dean," she spat, her words dripping with venom. "I'm talking about the fact that you kissed another girl while you were on a hunt." 

Dean's eyes widened in disbelief, his expression shifting from confusion to anger. "Oh, come on, Y/N," he scoffed, his tone dismissive. "You know how it is when we're on the road. It's not like we're exclusive or anything." 

Y/N's fists clenched at her sides, her nails digging into her palms. "That's not the point, Dean," she snapped, her voice rising with frustration. "The point is... y-you made me feel like I was nothing to you. I’ve known you for 5 years and you throw it away like that!” 

Dean shook his head, his temper flaring. "I can't believe you're making such a big deal out of this," he growled, his voice laced with irritation. "It was just a kiss. It didn't mean anything." 

Y/N's eyes flashed with hurt and anger, her chest heaving with emotion. "You don't get it, Dean," she said, her voice trembling with emotion. "You never have." She got out of the car running back inside.  

Her dad heard her getting inside, turning to greet her. “Hi sweetheart how was your... night?” But he soon noticed how Dean ran after her. Seeing how they continued the fight in the kitchen. “Y/N!” He raised his voice following her close.  

"Y/N, wait," Dean called after her, his voice tinged with frustration. "We need to talk about this." 

Y/N spun around to face him, her eyes blazing with fury. "Talk about what, Dean?" she spat, her tone sharp and biting. "The fact that you think it's okay to kiss other girls while I'm sitting at home waiting for you?" 

Dean's jaw clenched, his hands balling into fists at his sides. "You think you're the only one who's been waiting around?" he retorted, his voice rising with anger. "You think I don't know what you've been up to when I'm not around?" 

Y/N took a deep breath, her gaze locked with his. "I cared enough to wait for you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Even when you were miles away, I never once thought about being with anyone else." 

Dean's eyes widened in realization, a pang of guilt tugging at his heart. "Y/N, I..." he began, his voice trailing off as he struggled to find words.  

"You know what, Dean?" she spat, her voice dripping with venom. "Maybe I should have chosen Sam back then instead of you." Dean's eyes widened in shock, his expression crumbling with hurt. "Y/N..." he began.  

But she cut him off with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Save it, Dean," she said, her voice cold and unforgiving. "I'm done with this. I'm done with you. I want you out of this house, out of my life. Now!" 

-- 

"You can stay as long as you want.”  

Sam's voice broke through the haze of memories, pulling Y/N back to the present. Blinking away the little tear that had gathered in the corner of her eye? She glanced around, realizing they had arrived at the bunker Sam talked about earlier.  

"Thanks, Sam," she said quietly, her voice tinged with gratitude as she climbed out of the car. Sam nodded, his expression filled with understanding. "We'll find him, Y/N," he said, his voice firm with determination.  

--  

 

As days stretched into weeks, Sam's tireless efforts finally paid off. With a lead on Dean's whereabouts, they set out to find him.  

Dean's eyes widened in surprise as he took in the sight of Y/N and Sam standing before him. "Well, well, well," he drawled, a hint of sarcasm lacing his words. "Look who decided to show up." 

Y/N's heart sank at the bitterness in Dean's voice, the sting of his words cutting deeper than she cared to admit. "Dean, we're here to help you," she said, her voice steady despite the ache in her chest. 

But Dean's expression remained hardened, his gaze fixed on her with a mixture of resentment and disappointment. "Oh, I see," he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "You finally kept your word, huh? Went for Sammy instead of me." 

Y/N's breath caught in her throat at his words, the pain of his accusation like a dagger to her heart. Opening old wounds. "Dean, that's not fair," Sam interjected, his voice firm with resolve. "Y/N's here because she cares about you. We both do." 

But Dean's expression remained impassive, his walls firmly in place. "Save it, Sam," he said dismissively. "I don't need your pity, and I sure as hell don't need hers. You need to let me go, both of you." 

Sam looked at her, she knew she needed to distract him. Physically she knew neither could handle him. So, she did what she knew would keep them going for a while.  

"You're such a damn hypocrite, Dean!" Y/N said, her voice filled with frustration. "You're the one who pushed me away, who made me feel like I wasn't good enough for you!" 

Dean's jaw clenched, his fists tightening at his sides. "Oh, and you were just perfect, weren't you?" he shot back, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Always running back to daddy, and now again, showing up with his favourite little law schoolboy. Just like daddy dearest wanted.”  

Sam looked at her, immediately understanding what she was doing. "At least Sam was there for me when I needed him!" she retorted, her voice shaking with rage. "Unlike you, Dean, who only cares about himself!"  

Dean stepped forward, toe to toe, nose to nose. "You have no right to judge me princess." 

 Sam saw an opportunity. With a swift motion, Sam lunged forward, his hands closing around Dean's wrists before he could react. In one fluid motion, he snapped a pair of demon handcuffs around Dean's wrists, the cold metal biting into his skin. 

Dean struggled against the cuffs, his muscles straining against the invisible force that held him captive. "What the hell, Sam?" he growled, his voice laced with anger. 

Sam met his brother's gaze with a steely determination. "I'm sorry, Dean," he said, his voice firm yet filled with regret. 

-- 

Back at the bunker 

In the dead of night, the bunker was shrouded in darkness, the only sound the soft hum of the ventilation system. Y/N tossed and turned restlessly in her bed, her mind plagued by the events of the day. But as sleep finally began to overtake her, a sudden noise shattered the silence, jolting her awake. 

Rushing out of her room, checking Sam’s but saw his bed empty. Y/N searched frantically for Sam, her heart pounding with fear. And then she found him, lying unconscious on the floor, a deep gash on his forehead. 

Panic surged through her veins as she knelt beside him, shaking him gently in an attempt to rouse him. "Sam, wake up," she pleaded, her voice trembling with urgency. "Please, Sam, wake up!" Y/N realized that she couldn’t leave him like this. 

As she struggled to lift Sam's limp body, a sudden noise behind her caused her to freeze in place. Whirling around, her eyes widened in horror as she came face to face with Dean, his expression twisted with anger. 

"Y/N!" Dean growled, his voice low and menacing. "You think you can just lock me up and get away with it, princess?" 

Y/N's heart pounded in her chest as she backed away slowly, her mind racing with fear. "Dean, please," she pleaded, her voice barely above a whisper. "We just want to help you." 

Y/N backed into her room, her heart pounding with fear, she scanned the area frantically for something – anything – that could help her. And then her eyes landed on it – a small bottle of holy water sitting on the closet shelf next to the door. 

With trembling hands, Y/N grabbed the bottle, her fingers closing around it tightly as she steeled herself for what she had to do. As Dean's enraged shouts grew closer, she took a deep breath, summoning every ounce of courage she had left. 

As soon as Dean burst into the room, his eyes wild with fury, Y/N wasted no time. With a swift motion, she splashed the holy water directly into his face, the liquid sizzling on contact with his skin. 

Dean let out a howl of pain, his hands flying to his face as he stumbled backwards, momentarily stunned by the unexpected attack. Seizing the opportunity, Y/N darted past him, racing towards another room,  

In the meantime, Sam got back up and got to the control room locking the place down.  

With shaking hands, Y/N slammed the door shut behind her, her heart hammering in her chest as she fumbled for the lock. The bunker's emergency lights bathed the corridor in an ominous red glow, casting long shadows that seemed to dance with Dean's furious cries. 

With each passing moment, the sound of his voice grew louder, more menacing, sending a shiver down Y/N's spine. It was like something out of a Hitchcock movie. "You're pathetic, Y/N!" Dean's voice echoed off the walls, his words echoing with a chilling finality.  

Dean's voice cut through the silence of the bunker like a knife, each word dripping with a venomous hatred that left Y/N feeling as though she had been punched in the gut. The insults he hurled at her were like arrows aimed straight at her heart, each one hitting its mark with a painful precision. 

"Nothing but a pathetic excuse for a girlfriend," Dean's voice echoed through the corridors, his words filled with a bitter contempt. "You were never good enough for me – always so damn needy, so damn jealous." 

"And in bed? Forget about it," Dean continued, his voice mocking. "You were always so damn awkward, you had no idea what you were doing, did you?" Tears welled up in Y/N's eyes as she listened to Dean's cruel taunts.  

Hearing how he was really close to the room she was hiding in. How he busted every door on his way to her. "Always trying to control everything, always trying to hold onto something that's long gone." 

"You're just like your father, Y/N," Dean sneered, his voice dripping with disdain.

"It's a good thing your daddy's dead, he'd be ashamed of what you've become. Just a sad, broken shell of a woman, unable to find anyone to start a family with." 

A soft gasp left her lips, Dean turned towards the sound.

"He's in hell, Y/N, you know that right? I saw him just last week. Making sure he gets torture for all eternity because of his own mistakes." 

She knew this wasn’t Dean talking, but as she sat alone in the darkness, listening to Dean's relentless tirade, she couldn't help but wonder if he was right. Had she truly failed her father's memory? 

Y/N's heart pounded in her chest as she heard Dean's heavy footsteps approach the door of the room where she was hiding. Panic surged through her veins as she realized that she was trapped, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. 

With a sickening thud, Dean's boot connected with the door, sending it crashing inward with a deafening crash. The door broke down in pieces, revealing Dean's enraged silhouette framed in the doorway, his eyes burning with a fierce intensity. 

As he stepped through the door, a hand moved through his hear. "Let's finish this, you and me sweetheart."

Y/N's breath caught in her throat as she scrambled to her feet, her eyes wide with fear as she backed away from him. "Dean, please," she pleaded, her voice trembling with desperation. "Don't do this. You're better than this." 

"It's too late for that, Y/N," he growled, his voice low and dangerous. "You made your choice when you locked me up like some kind of animal." 

Y/N gasped for air as Dean's strong grip tightened around her throat, pinning her against the cold, unforgiving wall. With each passing second, her vision began to blur, her lungs burning for oxygen as she struggled to break free from his grasp. 

Desperation flooded her veins as she reached up, her hands instinctively wrapping around Dean's wrist in a desperate attempt to pry his fingers away. “Oh kiddo, it’s a shame killing you. But on the bright side, you’ll see your daddy again, very soon.” 

In the tense silence that followed Dean's cruel words, Sam stepped forward, his grip tightening on the demon blade as he held it steady against his brother's throat. His jaw clenched with determination.  

 Dean's lips curled into a mocking smirk, his eyes gleaming with a dangerous edge. "Wow, look at you. Go ahead, Sammy," he taunted, his voice cold and unbothered. "Do it. Let's see if you've got the guts." 

But Sam's gaze remained fixed on Dean, "You don't get to call the shots anymore, Dean," Sam said, his voice firm with conviction. "Not this time." He backed Dean further back to the hall.  

As Sam hesitated, the tension in the room thickened, each second stretching out into an eternity. With a heavy exhale, he slowly withdrew the demon blade, his knuckles white with the force of his grip. 

"You don't have it in you, do you, Sammy?" Dean's voice was a low growl, his eyes dark with a mixture of disappointment and triumph. "You talk big, but when it comes down to it, you can't pull the trigger." 

As tension hung thick in the air, a sudden rush of displaced air announced Castiel's arrival. His presence seemed to fill the room with a calming energy, a beacon of hope amidst the storm of emotions that threatened to engulf them all. 

Castiel's blue eyes shined bright, filled with a mixture of concern and determination. Without a word, he stepped forward, his arms outstretched to support his friend. Forcing to calm him down, putting him unconscious back into the chair.  

A few days into the treatment.  

Sam turned to Y/N, his eyes reflecting a mix of concern and exhaustion. He noticed her gaze lingering on Dean's unconscious form, her expression a complex blend of emotions. 

"Y/N, are you okay?" Sam's voice was gentle, his concern evident in the furrow of his brow. Her gaze tore away from Dean, her thoughts swirling with a tumult of conflicting feelings. She forced a small smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," she replied, her voice unsteady. "Just... seeing him like this, it's hard, you know?" Sam nodded understandingly, his own gaze flickering back to his brother. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he said quietly. "But we're doing the right thing.” 

"I know," she murmured.” Are you sure he is cured?” She asked Castiel. “He is, I can feel it.” “Good.” she said walking away to her room.  

Y/N's hands paused mid-motion as she heard a soft knock on her bedroom door. Casting a glance over her shoulder, she saw Castiel standing in the doorway, his expression gentle yet concerned. 

"Y/N, may I come in?" Castiel's voice was soft, she nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips. "Of course, Cas." His gaze fell upon the packed bags strewn across the bed. His brow furrowed in concern as he took in the sight, his eyes lingering on Y/N's neck.  

"Are you alright, Y/N?" Castiel asked, his voice filled with genuine worry. "I'm okay." she said, her voice tinged with a hint of discomfort. "Just a few bumps and bruises nothing I haven’t had before." 

But Castiel wasn't convinced. With a gentle touch, he reached out to inspect her injuries, his grace flowing through his fingertips like a soothing balm. Y/N felt a warmth spread through her body as Castiel's healing touch washed away the pain, leaving her feeling rejuvenated and whole once more. 

"Thank you, Cas," Y/N murmured, looking in his piercing blue eyes. “Thank you for being such a good friend for them.” Castiel offered her a small smile in return, the door to her room creaked open, and Y/N's heart skipped a beat as she saw Dean standing there, his expression hesitant.  

"Y/N, can we talk?" Dean's voice was soft, his tone tinged with a vulnerability that she had rarely seen from him. Y/N nodded, "Of course.” 

As Dean took a seat beside her on the bed, Y/N felt a rush of conflicting emotions wash over her – anger, hurt, but also a flicker of hope. "I'm sorry, Y/N," Dean began, his voice thick with emotion. "I never meant the things I said to you.” His hand took hers.  

"I know," Y/N replied softly, her voice tinged with sadness as she pulled her hand away from Dean's. She rose from the bed, her movements slow and deliberate as she turned away from him, her heart heavy with the weight of their shared pain. 

Dean watched in silence as Y/N began to pack her bag once more, the sound of her movements echoing through the room like a painful reminder of their past. As Y/N zipped up her bag and slung it over her shoulder, she spared one last glance at Dean, her eyes filled with a mixture of longing and regret.  

“Are you leaving?” He asked in a soft voice, while getting on his feet. Taking a deep breath, Y/N met Dean's gaze head-on, her heart pounding in her chest. "You're cured, Dean," she said, her voice steady despite the turmoil swirling inside her. "That's why I came here to make sure you were okay." 

“Don’t you think we need to talk about what happened?” Taking a deep breath, Y/N turned to face Dean, her eyes searching his for answers. "What do you mean, Dean?" she asked, her voice tinged with uncertainty. 

Dean hesitated, his gaze flickering away from hers for a fleeting moment before returning. "I mean... about us," he replied, his voice quiet yet determined. "About what happened between us all those years ago." 

"I... I don't know, Dean," Y/N admitted, her voice trembling slightly. "It's been a long time since then, and a lot has happened since we were together." 

Dean nodded, his expression somber as he met her gaze. "I know," he said softly. "And I'm sorry for everything that happened between us. I never meant to hurt you, Y/N, I just... I didn't know how to handle everything back then." 

"I know, Dean, we were young." she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "I think about that fight all the time." Dean said quietly, his voice tinged with regret. "I shouldn't have left, I should have worked things out with you, instead of running away like a coward." 

“Really?” Her eyes teared up, Dean nodded, his expression somber as he met her gaze. "I wish I could go back and change things, Y/N. Ask you, your dad for forgiveness."  

“Please stay a little longer, let's start over, we can get to know each other again. For old times.” She saw the honesty in his eyes. She dropped her bag on the floor. 

"I forgave you a long time ago, Dean," Y/N said softly, her voice filled with a quiet resolve. "But I can't stay here. I never wanted this life.” Their eyes lock "I understand, All I want is for you to be happy." Dean replied quietly, his voice tinged with sadness.  

Her eyes shimmering with unshed tears as she stepped forward, closing the distance between them. She reached up to cup Dean's cheek in her hand, her touch gentle yet firm 

“I'll tell you this, why don't you call me when you are ready to leave this life.” 

She leaned in and pressed her lips to his in a tender kiss – a goodbye kiss, filled with all the love, longing and pain they had never been able to express. Just as suddenly as it had begun, it was over.  

“Goodbye, Dean," she said softly, before leaving him in the empty room. 

As he watched her go, Dean’s fingers traced his lips, like he could keep the feeling of their kiss just a little longer.  

Wondering if they would ever find their way back to each other.  

---

If you liked this, please check out my masterlist for other stories.

Tag list: -> If you want to be added just let me know what you like to read.

@yvonneeeee @suckitands33 @mostlymarvelgirl

[johnslittlespoon]

Hello, gorgeous!

First of all, thank you for the joy of reading the first chapter of Tough And Sweet (Like You And Me).

I just have one question: Will future chapters show us Gale’s POV as well? Personally, I’d love to see young, shy Bucky through the eyes of an older Gale.

HIII sweetest human!! <3 no thank YOU for reading omg and for the kind words plsss :')) and for giving me an excuse to talk ab this LOL. tldr: future chapters no, future parts/drabbles yes!!

i was actually so indecisive about this when i started plotting the fic because while i enjoy reading fics with alternating povs just as much as fics without them, i've never written one with them and i wasn't sure if i'd enjoy/be good at switching mindsets like that!

i ultimately decided to stick to john's pov for that reason, but also because i thought as the reader, having to see things through his eyes and only being able to guess about gale the way john does would be more intriguing, especially with john's view of the world/interactions warped and/or rose–tinted by youth, inexperience, emotional dysregulation, etc.

BUT sooo much of what i have written in my drafting doc is from gale's pov because i love picturing this bucky through his eyes too, it's just such a fresh and new dynamic for me to explore as someone who primarily writes mota–verse buckbucky, and what we see from john's pov is so different from how gale sees things of course lol.

like it drives me insane thinking about how this poor man was literally just living his peaceful life, fine with being solo, going through the routine every day of work and then bike club and then home, and suddenly he's got this golden retriever of a boy attached to him like a magnet, and he's being kept on his toes dealing with the bundle of energy, and each day is now unpredictable and as exciting as it is stressful and he has no one to blame but himself lol. and the way we don't get to see the self–restraint he has to have and the struggle to be responsible and do what's 'right' while also dealing with his own feelings, because john isn't aware that's going on inside gale's head!

i could go on and on about his side of things aughghgh so i think eventually i'll end up doing a pretty lengthy oneshot sorta thing of certain events in the actual fic through gale's eyes (kinda what i plan on doing with yadiym for john's pov) bc goddd i have so many thoughts about how all of this would be playing out from his perspective!!! if not a oneshot, then drabbles like this one i hope.

if i had the time and if it wouldn't be boring to read i would honestly just rewrite the whole fic from gale's pov once it's done because with every scene i write, i'm like ooo i wanna dive into his pov and talk about what he's thinking and seeing so BAD but i can't bc we're in john's head </3 i just love analyzing john through his eyes and ik i've yapped ab this so much in past posts but gale does see so much of his younger self in him, that's why he has a lot of patience and takes a liking to him so fast, even if he doesn't realize that right away. :')

at the very least i definitely want to write pwp oneshots/drabbles set in the TAS universe from gale's pov so i can gush over describing how pretty and sweet and mouthy john is LOL i'm sure i'll add the fic itself to a series like with my dog–coded fic so that i can build on the au with oneshots once it's done >:-)

this is such a longwinded response (what else is new!) but you poked the bubble in my brain that's been agonizing over wanting to delve into gale's pov so <3 this is much more rambling than your question warranted but thx JSDKG

[yandere-kokeshi]

Yandere TF-141 with a Transgender Darling (ftm)

Warnings: yandere behavior, (to other people, not you!), talks about gender dysphoria; medical procedures; needles and self injection; slight violence.

A/N: my friend recently came out to me (so proud of him!) And asked me to write this for him; which, of course, I did :]!

Alex, if you are reading this, I'm so proud of you and happy you felt comfortable enough to come out to me. You are so amazing (and the other people reading this!!! <33)

Simon “Ghost” Riley:

Doesn’t have a problem with it — when you come out, he looks at you before nodding, briefly raising his eyebrows in understatement before asking if that’s all.

“He/him fits you better. It's more you. If you think I’d hate you, you’re wrong.”

Of course, he will go through the basics with you: asking what your preferred pronouns and name are, as well as nicknames and comfort wise with name-calling in the bedroom. He wants to know everything as he doesn’t want to offend or upset you in any way.

Nevertheless, Simon is incredibly supportive; telling you that he’s proud of you and happy that you felt comfortable telling him. Nothing changes between you two — the relationship is the same, possibly stronger than it was before.

If you decide to go with medical transition, he will be there, supporting you with all his love and taking time off work or on his rare days off to head to your appointments with you.

HRT? He’ll research and tell you things, making appointments with the best doctor’s offices to call. He’ll be there with every single appointment, nodding and asking questions when he sees a chance to ask. If you are scared to do your injections, he will offer to do it, making sure to give you a cookie/or favorite snack of yours afterward.

Top surgery? Simon will make sure to arrive before the surgery, rubbing your back as you get escorted to the medical room; promising he’ll be there when you wake up. When it’s time for you to come home, he’s making sure to hand-feed you, and help you to the bathroom; reminding you every day that you’re incredibly handsome.

A man who will 100% let you borrow his clothes (not like he did that before!). It’s probably not surprising that his clothes are huge on you, with this said, Ghost will always reach over and pull you into his hoodies; specifically one that has a skull. He doesn’t mind one bit and enjoys seeing you wearing them.

When the days are hard when Dysphoria is being a bitch, Ghost will be there comforting you, reminding you that even how hard the day is — you’re still his man and fiancé; you are incredibly attractive and good-looking, even if you don’t see it.

While Ghost tries not to get into a conflict outside of work, the minute he sees/or hears someone making you feel uncomfortable or upset, he’s not afraid to throw hands or slurs at the douchebag. Especially if they are saying things to you.

With his big frame and thick accent, it’s a high chance the person will get scared shitless and run away.

Captain “Price” John:

With him being a bit older than the others (aged 37 to early 40s), he’s not very aware of the gay/or open community. Sure, he’s been around it and knows enough but he doesn’t have as much knowledge about it as you possibly do. That being said, he will ask questions or make a face when you confess to him; slightly confused about the whole deal.

While he’s confused, with the help of the internet and your explanation, Price will immediately catch on board and agree to your terms. Asking what name you’d like to go by and how he can do certain things without offending you.

“Proud of ya’ for finding your true self. I love you, ‘kay? Nothin’ ain't stopping that.”

Regardless, Price is extremely happy and proud of you; with you being his beloved husband, he wants you to be as comfortable and happy as possible.

If and when you want medical transition, Price will appear at every appointment, rubbing your hands and back if he senses you’re nervous, and always supports you with whatever decision you want. He will ask the doctor multiple questions, wanting to know everything and how he can help you.

When you want top surgery, Price will make sure to be there when it happens and comforts you with the pain and anxiety. He will help you get dressed and bathe you without hurting yourself; spoon-feeding you on the days when it’s extremely hard.

Want HRT? He’ll be there, ordering your testosterone and helping you with a well-scheduled time; talking with your doctor about any and all questions/or needs. If you are scared of needles, he will help you with your self-injection, distracting you as he does so; kissing your forehead, and praising you as he gets finished.

Is someone being an ass to you? Price has it covered with his tall and intimidating structure. He’s not afraid to get into their space, using this opportunity with his Captain’s voice and making sure they shake in their boots for being pieces of shit.

Gender dysphoria, needing reassurance, and doubting yourself are a hot piece of garbage. If a certain day is hard, Price is right behind you, rubbing your back as he tells you how manly and handsome you are — how nothing could and never will change his thought with that of you. While these thoughts can be hard to get out of, he wants you to know that he’s there to comfort you; whatever you request, no matter how big or small, he’ll make sure to deliver it with that sly smirk of his.

His clothes are incredibly comfy and he doesn’t mind one bit about you stealing them. Price loves seeing you in his hoodies or long sleeve shirts; it makes him smile big.

He may steal yours as well, possibly some of the ‘weird’ and ‘embarrassing’ worded ones. Nevertheless, Price adores seeing how baggy and comfortable they are for you.

Johnny “Soap” MacTavish:

He smiles real big, before hugging you and congratulating you on finding out who you are. Not only is he quickly accepting, but he wants to know if he can change anything to fit your comfort zone (I.e the compliments he gives out).

“Proud of you! Glad you could tell me. Anyone who gives you shite will have to deal with me, alrighty? I love ya so much.”

Soap will ask you questions about what name you’d prefer to go by and pronouns. He’s quick to change — which includes correcting people.

While he’s kind and open, the minute someone disrespects you is the time he gets big time serious and angry; his accent comes out harsher and he curses them out. If they decide to stand up to him, he may or may not get into a flight; forcing you to pull him away before broken bones and blood spews out. However, Johnny will make sure to get you ice cream afterward.

Much like the two above, if you decide to go with medical procedures, Soap will make sure to be sitting beside you, making jokes and throwing flirtatious comments to ease your anxiety; rubbing your thighs while reminding you that he's happy for you.

HRT? Soap will make sure to appear at the appointments, reviewing the diagnosis they may give and ask questions when needed, and help with your self-injections; buying your favorite takeout when you get done each time.

Top surgery or binders? He’ll make sure to help you rewrap the bandages, wash your hair, and cook for you. If and when you wear binders, he has a strict schedule he expects you to follow — going as far as to tickle you in punishment. He’ll help do stretches with you, kissing your face when done.

Soap is excellent at distracting you when your mind is in the deep mind. He’ll offer to go to the aquarium, go take a walk and grab an ice cream cone or get your favorite food and eat it in the park, watching the night stars.

When Dysphoria is being unfair and getting up your ass, Johnny is reassuring and making you comfortable — with consent, he kisses the areas he loves about you and compliments you; talking about how handsome you are and the world’s best fiancé he could ever ask for. No matter what people say, you are incredibly manly.

Kyle “Gaz” Garrick:

When revealing to him, he doesn’t think differently of you — rather nodding, smiling at you before asking questions (I.e your preferred pronouns and name). He’s calmer about it, but never less, Gaz is super supportive and understanding.

“I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me, that must’ve been hard. Have you told your friends (and/or family)? You do know that I still love you, right?”

While the others will research to a point, Gaz on the other hand, researches like a worried mother; going as far as to find someone he may know/or influencers online to ask or watch some of their videos to get answers he didn’t get online.

If and when you want medical surgery, Gaz will make sure to appear to be at every appointment; asking questions amongst questions, stopping once he sees you getting uncomfortable from how long the visit has become.

Want HRT? Gaz will 100% step up to do your injections, especially if you are scared of needles or pain; asking simple questions to make your mind look away from the injection.

Top surgery? Whenever you want it, he’ll make sure to comfort you when the time to have the surgery is due, promising that he will make your favorites. He’ll be there, massaging your body when the pain is too much and spoon-feeding you if needed.

Not one for violence but if someone dares to say something, Kyle will get angry and may or may not cuss them out. If they continue rambling on, he’ll tell them to fuck off before bringing you to a comfort zone of yours, buying your favorite snacks and drinks.

Gaz is good at reassuring and comforting you when your dysphoria is a bully. If you let him, he will touch and kiss you, roaming his hands all over you and whispering how much of a man you are and how much he loves you.

—

Masterlist || Please reblog or comment instead of liking, it helps me a bunch!

© yandere-kokeshi 2023 — Do not copy, modify, edit, repost, or use my works for ASMR readings, tiktoks, or other content.

[ohbx]

Partnered Up

A JJ x Reader Slow Burn Fic

Author's notes:

This is pretty much PG (with a touch of PG-13, maybe some swearing, mentions of abuse as in the context of the show). No warnings, except it being over 4k words & unedited. I wrote in first person so I just made it a reader insert but I might give the character a name cause she definitely seems like a character. (Y/F/N= Your Friend's name) Also this is a treasure hunt free alternate universe.

Partnered Up

I had obviously noticed JJ and his friends at school. They almost always traveled in a pack. Loud, boisterous and looking like they just rolled up from the beach. Although that was more common than not because I went to public high school on the Outerbanks. Out of his crew, he and John B were especially notorious for leaving a trail of broken hearts throughout the island. Whether it be kooks, pogues, tourons or anyone in between any girl I met knew who they were, and had a crush on one of them at one point or another. While the girls reasoning differed, (Kooks were usually looking for a one night tryst with a bad boy to piss their ex boyfriend off or gain the attention of some kook guy.) the point remained, they were the sleepover talk of girls across the island - every girl secretly thought they would be the one to tie down one of the island boys who were a little rough around the edges. 

But now, John B was dating Sarah. A fact that only raised the desperation for JJ throughout the school halls. I could practically hear girls heads turning from their lockers as he made his way down the hall, clutching tattered papers, no backpack in sight. And sure, I understood the appeal. The piercing blue eyes, the charming, shameless flirtation. And of course I had read enough romance novels to understand the “i could fix him” urge for the girls who saw him show up year after year to school with no parents whoever came to end of the year barbecues, busted lips and black eyes monthly, and stoned more often than not. I understood it, I really did. But I didn’t have time to worry about boys. Especially not boys who would never give me a second look. I mean, I had been going to school with him for almost a decade and I doubted he even knew my name. It wasn’t self pity, but rather self awareness, to know a boy like him would never give me the time of day. And for that I never spent that much time worried about what the blonde boy thought of me- since I was pretty sure he didn’t think of me at all. It wasn’t self pity, just self awareness. And for that my self preservation kicked in anytime other girls at the lunch table gossiped about the blonde boy’s smile or dimples - I would have never admitted that I had given him a second glance. 

As all high school teachers do, my biology teacher had a penchant for making her class as socially draining as possible. Which meant today when we were being assigned our physiology project for the final 6 weeks of the semester - she announced that she would be assigning us partners instead of letting us pick our own. I glanced longingly at my best friend sitting next to me and slowly rolled my eyes. It would be a lot simpler and more fun if the two of us could just work together. The teacher read out all the pairs and announced my name next to the infamous bad boy himself. JJ Maybank. As the teacher wrapped up her pairings, she projected the topics that each group was assigned to on the board. I slowly and nervously bent over to grab my text book from under my desk. But when I looked up, JJ was already leaning on the desk next to me. 

“Hey Y/N - looks like we’re partners,” he said with a sheepish smile. 

“Yea!” I replied maybe a bit too enthusiastically.

I offered him my phone number as class was ending for the day and then had to rush to swim practice after school. I told him to just text me before class tomorrow so you could get a jump on planning your project. 

After swim practice, as I toweled off at your locker, I picked up my phone to several text notifications from JJ

JJ: Hey y/n it’s JJ Maybank

JJ: Sorry you’re stuck with me as a partner

JJ: Just text me whenever you’re done with swim and we can start a plan 

I  felt a pit in my stomach. JJ wasn’t known for being the smartest or most studious kid in school but I immediately felt bad that he was apologizing before the project even began. Secondly I was shocked he even knew I  was on the swim team. 

I quickly crafted a response telling him I was happy to work with him. Trying to keep it casual. Admittedly, that had never been my strong suit when it came to cute boys.

I then texted him that I would do some googling and take some notes about the  assigned topic tonight, and we both could chat about it tomorrow. 

He replied shockingly fast that he would do the same. 

After swim practice the next morning I found myself taking more care in the shower to not smell like chlorine all day and taking a little bit longer on my makeup and hair before I returned to school for first period. I wouldn’t let myself admit that it was because I would be in close proximity to JJ later that day- but deep down that definitely played a factor. 

When I  got to class that day after saying hi to my best friend, I sat farther towards the back where JJ was already slumped in his chair. He perked up a bit when I sat down next to him. The teacher had given us a free period to discuss and plan our projects , so after a quick hello I took out my notes, and so did JJ. 

I offered him my notes to look over while he handed me his but then he cleared his throat promptly. 

“I uhhh…” he began sheepishly and then paused.

“I can’t read cursive” he spit out all at once and then half laughed. 

I tried to keep my face neutral, and not laugh, as he was clearly looking nervous, but I was confused. 

“I uh, I have dyslexia” he quietly offered by way of explanation as he rubbed the back of his neck- not making eye contact.

“Oh!” I tried not to sound surprised or show it on my face. “Here pass me back my notes and we can just discuss what we both learned and then what direction we want to research and create our presentation on.” 

JJ just nodded and said “thanks” as he handed we traded notes back. 

We spent the next hour or so nerding out and actually having great, very insightful conversation about our disease we were researching, and I scribbled quick messy notes with promises to type them up when we were done so we could both see them on Google docs. 

At the end of class everyone rushed out the door at the bell, and I turned quickly with a quick see ya! to JJ on the way out the door. 

“Hey Y/n wait” JJ said quickly as he called after me. I spun around to face him. 

“Uhh thanks for being so nice and helping me out today. I know you probably wish you had a partner that wasn’t such an idiot"

"You don't need to thank me, you're my partner, we both deserve to be able to work in a way that works for us. Otherwise I wouldn't really be a partner and I'd be a bitch" I said, and I meant it.

JJ had offered some of the best insight you had heard in this class all year. I was confident that he was going to be a good partner for the project despite my initial internal reservations due to his reputation. 

JJ just shrugged back at me sheepishly. 

"Well, I mean it, thanks. You'd be surprised how few people feel that way. Usually teachers or my group hear that and just decide they'll fail me or do all the work themselves."

"Seriously, you don't have to thank me, I am happy you're my partner, I think things will go well with this project. Sorry - I really gotta go to swim practice. Coach will kill me if I'm late" 

He just nodded and offered a brief see ya as I turned and headed down the hall. 

It went on this way for a few weeks. We worked tirelessly during class, had a few brief moments of small talk, and then I would rush off to practice. I was secretly thinking about him during the evenings, but I didn't usually hear from him until class the next day. 

So imagine my surprise when I powered my phone back on after practice to another two texts from JJ. 

JJ: Hey - hope your practice went well! 

JJ: I got sidetracked after class

JJ: but I wanted to no if you wanted to come to a party tonite that my friends r having at the boneyard. I know your not a big partier but since its not yet  summer it will be pretty low key, you can bring Y/F/N or whoever if you have a bf or something 

I found myself smiling slightly to myself with my head in my locker. Y/F/N laughed and asked who was making me blush. I coyly avoided the question... for about 14 seconds until I asked her if she wanted to go to the boneyard tonight. 

"Oh so JJ" she joked. "C'mon you cannot be falling for him that is such a bad idea" 

"I am NOT falling for him" I rolled my eyes. "We are just becoming friends. Plus I feel like we could use some Friday socialization that doesn't involve chlorine or studying in my living room"

 It was late May, and Y/F/N sat on my bed as I deliberated about what I wanted to wear to the party. After a lot of back and forth, I landed on birkenstocks, jean shorts and a tank top. Boring, I know, but it felt the most me, and the most appropriate for the weather. 

We decided to walk, as it was only half a mile away, and then we could have a few beers and then walk home after. It's not like my mom was home anyway.

I had texted JJ for the details on when to arrive, but I hadn't expected us to be the first ones there beyond his direct friend group. They quickly ushered us into their circle and we joined in the drinking games they were playing around the bonfire. 

Y/F/N was flirting with Pope, and while I didn't think it would go anywhere tonight, I could definitely see them being a cute and nerdy match.

As the party picked up, I was definitely feeling a bit of a buzz from a handful of hard seltzers and beers.

Y/F/N was occupied chatting with Pope and Kiara about who knows what, something scientific that I was too drunk for, so I made my way across the party in search of someone else to chat with.

JJ intercepted me, steadying himself on my arm after we almost collided.

"Wanna walk down the beach?"

I wasn't a big partier, but I definitely knew the insinuation there, and this many drinks in, I couldn't think that far in advance, I think I was just flattered by the invitation.

We broke away from the big group of high schoolers and reached a quieter part of the beach.

"So you're a fast swimmer right?"

"Compared to girls in this county, sure"

"Dont try to be humble, Kiara told me how you're ranked like #3 in all of North Carolina or something"

"#2" I mumbled sheepishly, never good at bragging about myself.

"Damn, so like good?"

"Let's hope so, I am gonna need it to pay for my college"

JJ nodded, thinking something over. A mischevious glint flickered across his eyes.

"Ok let's see it then. Race you out to that swim buoy!?" He challenged, stripping off his shirt and kicking his shoes off already.

As he dove into the calm surf, I peeled off my jean shorts and kicked off your birks. Diving in in just my tank top and thong. I took off swimming messily, but still passed JJ fairly quickly.

I didn't beat him by much, just enough to be standing looking bored when his head popped up at the buoy.

"Damn" he laughed "You got me."

His eyes flitted down to my thick, but definitely more revealing when wet tank top. He took a step closer to me.

For the first time in our friendship, it was silent. He kept a strong eye contact with me as he reached his hands out placing them on my waist, now covered in goosebumps. He pulled himself closer to me or me closer to him, I wasn't even sure my brain was forming coherent thoughts over the sound of my heart fluttering.

And then he kissed me. He kissed me in the way that the world around me went silent and all I could think about was him, and us. I didn't think about the fact I was practically naked about 10 feet from my first party, nor the fact that we were in the ocean at night. Nothing. Just him and us. Not that I had a lot to compare it to, but I knew it was a good kiss.

We continued to make out hands roaming up and down each others upper bodies, until our teeth were chattering and we made our way out of the water.

JJ shook his hair off like a dog before sliding his tee shirt over his head. I shook off suddenly self conscius about my lack of clothes, and slid into my jean shorts. Luckily it was a nice night, so we started to dry off pretty quickly.

Jj snaked his hand through my belt loop and pulled me closer to him. Catching my jaw with his other hand and pulling me into kiss me. I got the vague sense that he had done this before, but not even in a way that I could be jealous, because of how special this moment was making me feel. Well until it wasn't.

"Look Y/n. I like you a lot."

My heart skipped a beat.

"I uh, like you too"

"Do you wanna come back home, er uh, to John B's with me?"

And the other shoe drops. He doesn't actually like me, he just wants me to come hook up with him in his friends guest bedroom. I knew if I did that I would end up feeling temporarily validated, only to be more heartbroken when he inevitably didn't like me at all.

"I cant, I uh, have to walk home with Y/F/N" I said quickly as I started walking back to the party. Tears pricking the corners of my eyes. He followed behind, murmuring his agreement or understanding or something.

I left soon the party after, giving JJ a hasty goodbye hug, before shedding drunk tears on the way home about how he didn't really like me.

The next day I woke up with a pounding headache. I was asleep on the floor of my room and Y/F/N was asleep in my bed. I climbed into it, jostling her awake but I was in need of girl talk. 

"So now what?" she asked 

" I just like, don't know what to do. He clearly just saw me as another girl, when I had thought we were getting along so well so I guess I will just wait and see if he says anything." 

"You could just ask him" 

"No way" 

My mom was still gone the rest of the weekend, so it was spent going to the beach, and hanging out at home with Y/F/N. I was dreading going back to school on Monday, and I hadn't received a single text from JJ, and knew I had blown my chance. 

I arrived in my last period on Monday and slinked my way to the back of the classroom next to JJ. He looked like he hadn't slept since I saw him on Friday. When I sat down he grunted a hello. We pretended that there was nothing we cared about more than our current science project. But we still got almost nothing done. We couldn't agree on which way to go forward, what to dive deeper on, what should be the main focus of our presentation, everything was an argument. 

I left the class for practice without saying another thing, barely even a goodbye. I had never swum so fast or hard in my life. Blowing off steam, I buried my head and swam faster splits than I usually swam at meets. I kicked my legs until I couldn't feel the pain in my chest any longer. 

I got out of the pool and grabbed my phone out of my locker. I felt my stomach bubble in anticipation of a text but I didn't actually expect one. 

The next four days JJ didn't show up to school. Our project was still due in just over a week, so I worked a lot on it in class by myself. 

On Friday I finally built up the courage to shoot him a text in the morning when I see he's not there. A few hours went by without a reply. I figure I knew Kie well enough by now, so I asked her if he was ok.

She gave a concerned looking shrug. 

"We've heard from him, but he does this sometimes, just kinda drops off the face of the earth and no one can get him to hang out or go to school. Are you worried about your project?" 

"He told you about that?" 

"Yea he won't shut up about it" Kie laughed " It was all we had heard about for like the past 4 weeks" 

TYou exchanged numbers with Kie, and she told me to just text her if I was worried about him or hadnt heard from him by the end of the day and she would try and do a wellness check. 

As soon as you sat down for 6th to begin though, JJ had texted me back. 

JJ: Sorry I'm not in class. I couldn't. 

No further explanation? I wondered to myself

me: Are you ok? 

The typing bubbles repeatedly showed up and then disappeared at least 3 times before he responded, completely ignoring your question. 

JJ: Can we meet up to talk about the project today? I feel bad I haven't pulled my weight. 

Sure I quickly replied.

Me: My place or yours? 

he shot back: Cant do mine. 

me: that's fine

Then I just texted him my address and the time I would be home from swim practice.  

I grabbed a pizza on my way home from swimming. I figured if this was going to be the most awkward friday of my life at least we could have a snack while studying. 

I got home, quickly showered, and tried to make myself look semi-presentable in a flannel and jeans, even though I knew that ship had pretty much sailed.

I put the pizza in the oven to stay warm and grabbed a few cokes out of the garage to put on the kitchen island. 

By the time I was done, I heard a soft knock on the door. 

I opened it to JJ, looking like he had been hit by a car. Probably not today, his clothes were clean, and his hair looks more purposeful than usual, but he had deep, purple bruises across his face, and a dark scab drifting from his eye down his cheek. I let out a slight involuntary gasp and stuttered a little bit. 

"what happened? are you ok?" 

"Can we please not talk about it" he looked as if he might burst into tears or run off at any moment. 

I nodded, not trusting my words. 

I just held out my arms and offered him a hug which he wordlessly accepted, melting into my embrace. He wasn't much taller than me, but he slumped down, head on my shoulder he let out a heavy sigh before letting go. 

"Thanks, I guess I needed that" he said his words attempting to convey lightness but getting stuck in the back of his throat.

"I figured" I shrugged, helplessly. Lost at what to do as I led him into the kitchen where my books were spread on the island. 

I saw him taking stock of my kitchen which had small pads on all of the corners as well as small braille labels on the cupboards. 

"Is this like babyproofing?" he asked. 

"No" I laughed "My little brother is blind, its for safety but also theoretically so he can find stuff on his own" 

"I didn't know you had a little brother" JJ looked shocked as he tried to process that information. 

"He lives off the island about 11.5 months a year. He's almost 8 and my favorite person in the whole world. He goes to a boarding school for blind kids." 

JJ just nodded. 

"That's why my mom's not here. She tries to spend a few weeks a quarter there, whenever she's not running our family business on the island. She feels really guilty about sending him away, even though the only place she can make money is on the island and the only place he can learn is off. So she has a tiny shoe box apartment out in Raleigh where his school is." 

"And your dad stays here with you?" Jj asked innocently. 

I just shrugged "He's not really in the picture these days"

"I'm sorry," JJ offered. 

"It's alright. We get by ok. I've had to grow up pretty fast these past few years since my brother started school, but it's worth it." 

"Wait. This is why you were so good at helping me and dictating everything you wrote isn't it. JJ asked. 

"I don't even think I thought about it like that, I just have spent a lot of time with my brother who also learns differently so it came easily to me" I answered genuinely. 

"That was the nicest way anyone has ever called me illiterate" JJ joked, perking back up to his normal self. 

I just rolled my eyes at that comment. We worked for a few hours only breaking for pizza and soda until about 10 pm. Until we decided we were caught up enough to call it a night. JJ promised to work more over the rest of the weekend to make up his share, even though I told him that wasn't necessary. 

Normally on Friday nights, I watched a movie after homework, studying and pizza with Y/F/N, but she left right after swim practice to go to her grandparents on the mainland. So I just offered JJ to stay. He accepted, quickly shooting a text to his friends to let them know his whereabouts. 

"Kie made it seem like they did a pretty good job of checking up on you" I noted. 

"They do, they mean well" he said. Now that I had seen him, I better understood why. They probably knew something that he wasn't ready to let me in on yet, even though I was desperately curious and felt unceasingly bad for him. 

As we watched the movie he slid closer to me on the couch. I was  keenly aware of his body’s proximity to mine , and not as much so to the plot of the movie. 

I was aware that i was a bit nervous and jumpy, after all I had never had a boy at my house alone before. But he put his hand on my thigh, and as much as I had wanted to not be nervous I moved away from him and put my back to the arm rest of the couch, hugging my knees into my chest.

“Oh fuck I’m sorry i knew i misread the vibe I’m an idiot” JJ quickly spat out 

“No it’s not…” I struggled to find my words which was rare for me 

“I just , I like you, but I felt like I gave you the wrong idea last weekend. I don’t want to have a one night stand, and then I felt like you didn’t speak to me all week or say anything after. I get that that’s what you’re looking for but it’s just not me” I word vomited

“I’m so stupid I’m sorry i should have known you’re too smart to think of me as more than a friend. Can we just pretend I didn’t do that”

“I do like you like that I just. I know you just do hook ups and I don’t know I know i sound like a prude but I don’t think i can do that.”

“Wait. You do like me like that?”

“Obviously. We have so much fun together.” I replied honestly. 

“I spent all of last weekend and all week convincing myself that I fucked up by kissing you. And convincing myself that you like every one else just wanted to brag about having some drunken escapade with JJ and never see him again.”

“And I thought you were mad I didn’t sleep with you because you didn’t text me. “  I admitted.  

“I’m sorry.” He looked heart broken. “It honestly wasn’t that. No one has ever wanted me in anyway other than for my body. So i assumed if you didn’t want to come home with me you were probably offended I even made a move at all and certainly couldn't like me back.” 

My heart hurt hearing his genuinely vulnerable comment. 

“I obviously always thought you looked good, but only have developed a crush on you now that I know you for you” you admitted. “But i assumed since you have your pick of gorgeous girls that you wouldn’t want me.”  My voice quivered. I had never once admitted to someone how insecure I was about how I looked. It always seemed like there were more important things than appearances, quite literally speaking in my life. But that didn’t make being a high school girl any easier. 

JJ scooted back closer to me and pulled me in a big hug. 

“I think you’re absolutely beautiful. I always have. Why else do you think the teacher put everyone else together with their normal partners except us and John B and Y/F/N. Because she noticed me staring at you up front all of class.”

“Is that true?”

“I’m pretty sure. Everyone else I know in that class has their normal partner.”

I let out a little laugh. 

“I must not have noticed because I was too preoccupied by your insights about our project   And your, well everything.”

I pulled away from JJ’s hug. 

“Do girls really not talk to you except to get you to hook up with them?”

He shrugged. 

“Usually people only think I’m interesting or want to talk to me at a party. That and my dad spent all weekend and Monday night reminding me how worthless and stupid he thinks i am.”

"Did he do this?"

He just nodded. His chin quivered. 

“You are actually one of the smartest people I’ve ever been paired with at our school. You are funny and interesting and genuinely a good friend to me day in and day out. “

At this point, my limbs were so entangled that i was sitting in his lap on the couch, your legs basically straddling him. His strong arms were snaked around my back, while mine rested on his shoulders. I leaned back so I could make eye contact with him. 

“Maybe we’re an ever better more messed up pair than I thought” he joked. 

This time it was my turn to make the first move. I leaned in slowly. Meeting his lips gently as his face was all bruised. He sighed happily. I deepened the kiss. His hands slowly unwrapped from my back and made their way onto my backside, slowly rocking me in his lap. 

I hated that I pulled away. 

“I thought you didn’t want me to use you for your body.”

“On second thought, please do” he joked, voice husky. 

“I wouldn’t want you to think I don’t like you for your brain.” I  said as I climbed off of his lap. 

Without even having to explain again though, he understood I was only ready to move so fast. By the time we had rehashed all of our misunderstandings and made out through the second half of the movie, I was exhausted, as I had been up since morning practice. Something told me, and it wasn’t just the bags under his eyes, that JJ also hadn’t been sleeping very well. 

“Wanna stay the night uh. I mean. Like just actually sleep here?” I asked. 

He nodded happily before getting up to follow me upstairs. I quickly changed into pajamas in the bathroom and emerged to JJ, shirtless and littered in even more bruises, a pair of my baggy swim sweatpants sitting low on his waist. 

I climbed into my bed at the same time as he did, and he pulled me in close to him.  My head rested on his shoulder. 

“Can I ask you something ?”

He asked softly.

“Would you wanna be my girlfriend?”

I nodded softly.

“I would love to”

He kissed the top of my head

-Two weeks later-

I entered John B's house, through the screen door on the porch, and came into the kitchen to meet the already gathered pogues. I was joining them in celebrating the last day of school.

Pope immediately asked me when Y/F/N was arriving, so I reassured him that she would be there for the real full party. I walked over to JJ who wrapped his hands around me from behind and placed his head on my shoulder contently.

"Want a beer?" John be asked.

I nodded, and as he pushed open the fridge, I saw magneted to it our final graded report from our Biology final, with an A+ scribbled in red ink on the top corner.

"Aww our project" you involunatarily remarked. JJ stepped over trying to remove it from the fridge out of embarrassment, but John B intercepted him with both arms pulling the other boy close in a half wrestle, half hug.

"We're very proud of him, always" John B smiled ruffling a hand through JJ's hair and laughing while JJ groaned.

You were thankful for this found family when yours was away, but even more so for the love they provided JJ each and every day.

[taylorswiftstylequestions]

omfg i'm sorry to rant but i NEED a sympathetic person to hear this. i like the every single album podcast more than most swifties, but today's ep -- and the last few -- are driving me insane. i am so fucking sick of hearing nathan and nora wring their hands over what joe might deal with. all harassment is bad, but i am done pretending that jake g and john mayer went through….any kind of wringer? they had like...a semi-awkward couple of weeks? jake is still a mega a-lister and john mayer is widely considered to be one of the greatest living guitarists. fuck, what mayer did was outright predatory -- and he's done it to multiple women -- and lbr, he lives 99% of his life totally unperturbed by it. he's not losing gigs or status in the places that matter to him; i suspect a lot of swifties aren't aware of this but i'm a guitar nerd, and uh, yeah, he's considered a living god and no one gives a shit what he did to taylor. and literally everyone woman in the public eye, including taylor, goes through worse every single fucking day, even at their heights of popularity. i don't know how to deal with hearing nathan and nora worry about :(((( omg what will joe go through :((((( when he's never going to have disgusting ai porn of himself explode across twitter on a random weekday. maybe i feel this strongly b/c i work in games, where hordes of male fans regularly ruin random women's lives because they animated a female character wearing a t-shirt instead of a string bikini, but i can't deal with this anymore. these men are fine. lots of people get mad at them, but it's because they did truly shitty things to her and she refused to absorb it silently. then it breaks, and their lives go on.

---

I feel like Nora really articulated what Anon was trying to say the other day about along the gist of "I hope something really bad happened to justify all of this." Interesting perspectives! Btw I just want to be super clear that I don't think Taylor or anyone has to justify anything like that! Just thought it was interesting how Nora put it in the latest episode and T's power is the unusual part of this equation.

---

In a very classic "I thought the two of you should meet!" re: today's The Ringer / Every Single Album pod episode.

I will say I read both of these messages before listening to the episode myself and tbh I think Nora ultimately landed in a pretty middle and reasonable place (it started out pretty rocky though) by the end of the episode. My understanding is she ultimately felt like Taylor has every right to tell the story that she wants / needs to tell and the work will speak for itself. That this is Taylor going face to face with the elephant in the room and (probably - we don't know obviously) not obfuscating the reality that we all saw play out in real time behind 'fictionalized' half truths roleplayed by semi-imaginary characters. And at the end of the day the (likely - AGAIN WE DON'T KNOW) reality is that she's prepared to walk through the narrative that is this pressure cooker storyline many are waiting with baited breath for which is the deterioration of her most significant relationship to date.

All that to say is that I think both of these points are incredibly valid. I personally have a lot of feelings wrapped up in it that do tend to come down more on the side of it's strange that the default position is this desire to sign up as first in line defence attorney for a man when the crime as we know it is 'woman writes her life into art'.

Nora interestingly noted that there's a "pressure for this album to come with receipts" (paraphrase) based on this (fan) hyped up narrative of something sinister having gone awry that this album will pull the curtain back on. And if it fails to do that, enter said self-appointed attorneys.

[the-sprog]

Listen I love DCxDP crossovers as much as the next person, but every time I see people write John Constantine offer as a solution summoning something I cringe internally a little bit. John is all up for self-sacrificing and doing things you shouldn't but he does not fuck with other creatures he knows shit-all about.

On the other end, do you know who does fuck with creatures they know shit all about?? And keep summoning things and making deals with things they shouldn't be summoning or making deals with? And also doing this most of the times with the express intentions of dealing with the dead?

The Winchester Brothers.

Where are my season 15 fix-it fics where Dean does not give up, he does not say "oh well Castiel died after confessing his love for me I guess that's it" or where Sam does not say "well my brother died during a run of the mill vampire Hunt -not even because of the vampires but because of a rusty nail. Let me just abandon him forever after everything we've gone through and finally actually listen to him and get myself a family with my blurry wife and random son"

And instead they do again summon something that is completely separate from everything else they've dealt with before and they actually managed to contact Danny who somehow is the king of the Ghost Zone or whatever fucking shit you want. Maybe you can make the empty nocturne! That would be really fucking cool :O so Danny somehow gets convinced to bring back Castiel or Dean or both.

Ok now I'm actually thinking about it.

You can even make it adult Danny by simply following the Supernatural timeline. Danny gets his powers in 2004, when he's 14, the Winchesters start looking for their dad in 2005, and they're... 20 something. Castiel joins the brigade in 2009 (I thought he showed up in season 5 lmao it's been a while since I've watched it), Chuck starts writing the books- fuck I don't know. 2012? Was it season 7? **Looks it up** fuck nope he starts writing when they start, that's my mistake. I meant when does he show up. And that's together with Castiel. Wow. Give me Danny who is an in universe Supernatural fan. He's the prime target audience! Starts reading after he gets his powers because we'll they're ghost hunters but the ghosts are actually evil. So it's fine. And they're fictional anyway so no big deal.

But then Chuck stops writing (end of season 5) and Danny is extremely disappointed.

He doesn't learn the truth until 2018 (season 13) when Jack wakes up The Shadow and consequently shakes the Infinite Realms. Nocturne has to be somehow connected. Maybe they're not The Shadow themself, but a subordinate? Like Frostbite is the leader while the yetis are his citizens. And The Empty is the realm they live in.

Now Danny is slightly terrified because it means all the things that go bump in the night are real. Which is a scary as fuck thought. And also wonders why they've never had hunters in Amity, or why he and the other ghosts are different from the ones in the books.

But he can't really do anything. To help.

Hunters definitely have checked out the town. There's no way they'd fly under the radar. But either there are already hunters INSIDE Amity And they've staked their claim on the town, no outside hunters allowed. Or there's something wrong w the entire place that makes it so that people don't really realize anything is wrong with it. I til they're inside it. But when outside nothing :/ all normal.

I feel like it wouldn't be Dean who summons him though. As much as I love him, they are aware that pretty much only God could pull out Cas and Jack wasn't going to do it any time soon.

But Dean dying like that? No Sam is not going to let his story end like that. But they've pretty much exhausted all options. What's he gonna do? Make another deal w a demon that's going to ultimately make more of a mess? Who's gonna make a deal w a Winchester anyway?

I don't know how Sam would find a way to contact Danny. The Fentons were the first to make contact with the Zone, so the bunker's unlikely to have any resources. Bobby's gone, so that's a bust. He'd have to find something new. Something no other hunter has interacted with, ever.

Again.

Because let's be real. The Winchesters already did that plenty.

Maybe he stumbles upon Amity by accident and sees it as an opportunity, idk.

Sam's kinda more willing to give monsters the benefit of the doubt. They know angels are not all bad, they had werewolf friends, and so on and so forth.

So sure he might start off listening to the Fentons at first, but if he were to interact with Danny (as Phantom ofc) one on one he'd probably see that they're wrong.

Danny would freak out of course. On one hand, fuck man. He's a fan. That's so cool.

On the other, he knows nothing will stop the Winchesters. He's deader than dead if Sam was there to hunt him.

But alas, he'd do anything to help him get his brother (and Cas, as a treat) back. Who's gonna stop him? God? Jack? Idk man I feel like he'd let them have this one lmao. Or still Danny could definitely argue that he's the king of all afterlives, so what he does to his subjects is none of his business (since God (or at least Chuck couldn't) can't interfere w The Empty, only the afterlives he controls. So heaven and hell. Not even purgatory iirc)

[doomandgloomfromthetomb]

The Heartbreakers - CBGB, New York City, July 25, 1975

Naomi Fry's New Yorker Q&A with Richard Hell this week was a great read. Hell is a thoughtful guy — some of that old ego lingers, but he's more self-aware than most of his peers, probably. And for someone who was right there in the thick of it, he's got plenty of fresh insight into those usually kind of un-fresh topics: New York City, the birth of punk and CBGB.

"People talk about it as if what New York has become is permanent, but the thing about New York is it’s always changing," Hell says. "The time when I was first getting any results from myself in the early seventies, when I’d just turned twenty, was a time that now represents so much to people, a period when everything was alive, and people were doing exciting new work, and it wasn’t about money, because New York was in such bad shape that it was a Wild West frontier town, and lawless, and no one was supervising anybody, but at the same time there was an endless fund of jobs and cheap apartments, and it still had all the cultural things—great movies, bookstores, bars, music. But the ironic thing is, in a way, that situation of New York as the Wild West in the seventies and early eighties is libertarianism, where it’s every man for himself. You look at John Lydon and he’s a Trumpist, so in a way being nostalgic for that is wishing for the strong to survive."

I've shared plenty of Hell rarities over the years, from his early days with Television to the Voidoids' ruthless reign ... but I'm not sure if I've dug too much into his brief spell with the Heartbreakers. In the summer of '75, Hell had just been booted from Television, but he wasted no time in getting rolling with this motley crew of NY Dolls castaways. This date at CBs would've been one of the Heartbreakers' first ... I think they had debuted at the Coventry in June. It's a rough/raw audience tape, but it captures the woozy Stones-y fever dream of the band very nicely.

"[O]ur sets were driving and rocking, and at their best they combined the different things that Johnny and I brought—my intellectual ambitions and lost-boy affect with Johnny's defiant junkie prowling," Hell wrote in I Dreamed I Was A Very Clean Tramp. "I got to live the ideal I'd had in mind when I came to New York to be a poet—to have a well-placed platform for saying things to the world, and an audience that thrived on it and wanted to have sex with me because of it, and I ran my own life, had no boss. And there were drugs and money."

[super-hero-confessions]

It really bugs me that the Homelander fangirls are so overtly objectifying that they have to take or turn every scene that's meant to invoke serious thought or gross you out into something overtly sexualized. Or turn the smallest most insignificant detail into a huge deal.

Take for example the scene where Doppelganger, transformed into Homelander, offers to suck his dick.

Antony Starr flat out said that scene was one where Homelander was looking at himself, and seeing a side he viewed as weak and pathetic and needy. A side of himself he hates. And at the same time, he feels disgusted and uncomfortable because he doesn't have any empathy for himself. Which means Doppelganger turning into him and doing that:

One, turned him completely off.

And two, gave him a ton of actual emotional dismay.

But then the fangirls will be like:

"OMG! Look at him think about it, he totally wanted it! He wanted to get it on with himself!"

When no. Based on the guy who actually legit acted the role and the words he said. He was disgusted and uncomfortable and having mental crisis because of it.

And the way fandom responds to half the shit either means one of two things.

That Antony Starr is a horrible actor who can't convey what he really means in any scene and is nothing beyond a handsome face.

Or the Homelander fangirls are the absolute worst at interpreting these scenes and cannot actually read the character properly.

Because they only care about objectifying him.

Weird how the people who constantly try to humanize him the most completely miss the mark and do the best job dehumanizing him in favor of sexual objectification.

Same fangirls will cry about his name being "John Gillman" and throw tantrums about it like high school mean girls with zero self awareness. He is the character from the comics whether you like it or not. There is no legitimate reason that wouldn't be his name. Not even being related to Soldier Boy who's only listed as his sperm donor in archives. Gillman would likely be his egg donor's/surrogate's surname.

But Homelander's reaction to people using his civilian name is negligible at worst compared to his reaction to Doppelganger. Or even his reaction to being called a "monster" in Diabolical, and even the main show. And yet somehow, he "wanted" to fuck himself but "hates" his name?

Two things. Get off your damn high horses that make you think you're an expert on Homelander when the stuff the actors say prove you wrong, and learn some actual media literacy and character analysis.

And, maybe grow up about the name thing and objectification too.

I get it you horny fuckers, Antony Starr is hot. So the least you could do is actually interpret his acting correctly.

[ashrillvenheim]

Awakening Past

Chapter 17 part 2

pairing: Ashley Graham x Leon S Kennedy.

Content: (+18) romance, angst, gore, erotic/suggestive themes at some point, slow burn, violence, action, self-harm, death talk,

If you're a MINOR DON'T keep reading, thank you.

Archive of our own / WORK LIST / Awakening Past Masterlist

prev/next

Her amber eye twitched.

“ That scratch wasn't there.”

Casey tensed and looked at the corner her friend pointed to.

“ Yes it was, I've barely used the car.”

Ashley looked up from the scratches on the side of her vehicle and circled around.

John stared at Casey and Sergio, aware that they had done something when he hadn't been there.

“John, do you have proof?” the blonde asked, crossing her arms. The light-eyed man sighed.

“ Even I don't know where it came from.” he paused. “ But I think I have an idea.”

Casey glared at her roommate and was reproachful when Sergio dropped to his knees on the floor.

“It was my fault, Ashi!”

Casey interjected.

“ No, I was the one who asked him to, Sergio just did what I told him to do.”

Ashley looked at her two friends.

“And what did you ask him to do?”

“ I..." the woman grunted inwardly.” I forgot that I was the one who had to drive when we went out on Saturday and... Sergio had to bring me back.

“ I didn't see the tree properly when I parked.” Sergio sobbed, defeated and with his head down.

Graham watched them for long seconds in silence. Leon was behind her, leaning against the airport parking lot post, listening and holding back laughter throughout the contest.

Ashley finally sighed. She noticed that the car was spotless and the interior had been wiped down to remove the last bit of dog hair it might have had.

“ Did you clean it?” she asked Sergio.

The dark-haired man nodded crestfallen.

“ I tried to hide the streaks with a product, but it didn't work.” he apologized and the blonde finally gave in.

“ I forgive you for cleaning the car and telling me.” she reached over to make him stand up again and reached out to give casey a slap.

“ Ow! Why is that?”

“ So that next time you remember not to drink when you're the one driving.”

The copper blonde mumbled under her breath, but ended up nodding and apologizing as well.

The five of them got into the car to head back to Boston.

And that's when what Ashley had feared started to happen.

“How was the trip?” Casey asked with a smile. “Did you find anything?”

“ We did.” Ashley replied with that perfected smile. “We found remains of Roman catacombs.

All three looked at her in surprise.”

“I'd love to see your first discovery." Sergio said happily, but this time it was Leon who followed.

“ Yeah well, that's going to be difficult, we almost didn't get out of the tunnel.

All three exclaimed and Ashley elbowed her partner even though they had already talked about this on the plane.

“ It's an exaggeration, but yes, there was a landslide. It seems there had already been several in the last few years and this one had ended up crushing the ruins. “

“ Oh boy...and can't the ruins be excavated?” Casey asked somewhat hopefully.

Ashley sighed.

“ You could, but it's too big of an investment and I don't know if it will ever get done. Besides, they were quite deep and that makes it even more complicated, so who knows, maybe in the future, but I honestly don't think so.”

“Wow, too bad Ashi, we would have liked to see your first discovery.” Sergio said discouraged. 

“Don't worry I just started, I still have plenty of time to discover more things.”

Leon looked sideways at Ashley, seeing how she was subtly drumming on the steering wheel, that little mania she knew to perfection.

 And then Casey decided to get back to business.

“So, what's the news?”

Ashley arched her eyebrows as John sipped his water.

“What's news? What do you mean?” Graham asked.

“Have you two slept together yet?”

John spat.

Ashley swerved.

And Leon let out every curse he knew.

“Casey!” Sergio exclaimed indignantly, although his face indicated the same interest.

“Leon, do you carry the gun?”

“Always with me.”

“In the ditch over there looks good to you?”

“Out in the open. There might be a more discreet place in that service area.”

“How many bullets you got left?”

“One's enough for me.”

“Good.”

“ Great.”

*

Casey held on to Sergio and the car's doorknob while Leon and Ashley pulled on her legs.

“I'm sorry!!! I won't ask again!!!!!” she shrieked, desperate to get back to the safety of the car.

“ Leon, get out the chloroform.”

“ASHIII!!!”

*

The rest of the trip was uneventful.

*

The five of them got out of the car and Casey went up to her apartment with Sergio, crestfallen. John smiled at her friend's downcast look and turned to Ashley and Leon.

“You've only added fuel to the fire.” he said to Leon.

“What's to blame me?” said the agent indignantly.

“ Being Ashley's friend before Casey. She's too fond of love gossip.”

“Ems doesn't fall short.” sighed Ashley, making his friend laugh.

“ The difference is that Ems thinks it, but doesn't say it.”

“ I don't know which is worse.” exhaled Graham in exasperation, then gave John one last hug. “I'll see you soon, let me know when you're free.”

The boy nodded and watched Ashley and Leon turn towards the car. He watched them for a few seconds in silence before speaking.

“ Hey.” They both turned to him. “Whatever you're doing, be careful.”

They both looked at John and Ashley couldn't help but smile gently. She was trying to hide the truth from them and even if they didn't know it, they were aware of many things, especially John.

“ We'll have it.” Leon told him firmly.

John nodded and turned on his heel to go upstairs.

They drove calmly back to Amherst. It was soon dark and the rhythmic passing of the streetlights lulled them into a kind of trance.

Leon took over at the end of the trip and put on some blues to entertain himself. Ashley hummed a few songs in soft whispers and Leon accompanied her on the bass, something that made the time pass more slowly or made them feel more abstracted from reality.

They finally reached the street of their apartments and calmly carried their bags upstairs. Ashley entered her apartment and the first thing she did was follow a scent to the refrigerator. When she opened the metal door she smiled as she saw that Emily had left them dinner ready for their return.

She set down the bags and began to take out the food.

“ Hey Leon, Ems played chef for us.” laughed Graham calling out to his partner.

Leon left his bags at home and went over to Ashley's place.

“ Remind me to roll out the red carpet for her next time she comes over.” he thanked with a sigh, glad they didn't have to cook or order food.

They set the table at Ashley's house and both felt the lack of the dogs still with Narsson, but the quietness in the atmosphere made them keep their feet on the ground. Leon felt surprised when they started dinner. Amazed that he felt more at home there in Amherst than in Washington, where he had been living for the past few years.

He had only been here four months and...it felt like home.

His blue eyes lifted to the woman eating next to him as they watched a program.

Maybe she had made everything feel cozier.

He drank water and his memories dragged him back to many years ago, when no place seemed safe to him, when he watched every corner with his pulse racing and terrified of the beasts that lurked in the dark.

When everything he knew as reality was destroyed in a single night.

They almost knocked over the table when the phone rang and Ashley cursed in fright. She pulled the cell phone out of her pocket and saw it was Narsson.

“ I didn't know if you were awake.” she said to Ashley.

“ Casey called Maria to tell her you were on your way, so I wanted to call you, how was your trip?”

The blonde sat on the couch while Leon put the dishes away in the dishwasher.

“ A bit bumpy, but pretty good. A pity that a landslide left all the ruins buried.”

“ Well, at least they won't move from there.” Enma joked, but Ashley was silent in thought.

"I hope so." she said to herself and then resumed the conversation.

“ Yes, that's true.” she paused, leaning back in her seat. “ I'll pick up the dogs tomorrow, they haven't given you much work, have they?”

“ Don't worry, you know I get along with them.”

Ashley arched her eyebrows.

“ Tell me you haven't given Mint coffee, you know what happened last time.”

Narsson laughed on the other side.

“ Don't remind me, don't worry, I didn't. I just gave them some extra dog cookies.”

Ashley scoffed softly.

“ You're going to spoil them.”

“That's what Aunt Narsson is for, otherwise who would give them to them?”

They both laughed and chatted some more about banal things. Enma asked about the trip to Spain, but Ashley was terse and didn't give her many details. She told her about the Roman catacombs and that they had to climb to find an entrance. She just hoped it would be enough to convince Narsson.

For now.

“ I'll call you tomorrow Enma, I have to talk to my father first.” she finally told him, her eyelids feeling heavier and heavier.

“ Okay, good night Ashley.”

“ Good night Narsson.”

She dropped the cell phone to the side and sighed heavily, closing her eyes.

“Do you know how you're going to approach her?” Leon asked her from the kitchen and she grunted.

“ I haven't the slightest idea.”

How was she going to ask him to join the investigation without telling her too much? Her head was spinning and as the minutes ticked by she was finding it harder and harder to focus.

She was good at improvising but she didn't know if this was one of those situations. Maybe the best thing to do would be to plan the details, think about every possible question Narsson could ask him about it and prepare it beforehand, yes... that would be the best option, plan everything...

“ I've already put everything away Ash.”

Leon wiped the countertop dry and hung up the rag. He arched his eyebrows in the direction of the living room.

“Ash?”

He walked over to look over the couch and a sweet smile formed on his lips when he found her sound asleep. He crossed his arms over the back of the couch and watched it for a few seconds.

He had to be thinking about so many things... he reached out unconsciously and brushed a strand of her hair away from her face. As he did so he caressed her pink cheek and paused at the touch of her soft skin.

Leon felt a tingle, remembering her sweet caresses when he had been delirious, but which he now remembered sharply.

Then his eyes traveled to her half-open lips and he spent too many seconds staring at them.

He shook his head and cleared his throat and then rounded the couch and took her in his arms to carry her into the bedroom.

He didn't look at her anymore. Not if he wanted to keep his self-control.

He took off her shoes and jacket and went back into the kitchen.

"Focus Kennedy, you're her partner now. Don't waste her father's trust." he said to himself as he grabbed his keys and locked up behind him to go back to his apartment.

*

The next morning William called Leon when Ashley didn't answer her cell phone. He was no longer surprised by the president's calls.

He had to go get Ashley so the man could explain to both of them the latest developments.

 Graham had already talked to the Springfield Natural Museum and they had given over one of their labs for Ashley's new team's research. They had made a deal to invest in refurbishing the museum and updating their lab equipment, so it didn't seem to have raised any suspicions.

He mentioned to them that Patrick and Maria were already aware, but they hadn't told either Narsson or Sasha, especially the latter, who was only Narsson's secretary and needed to be involved as little as possible. Fortunately he was working in the administration of the faculty library, so he would be out of danger. For now Patrick still had an eye on him.

When they finished their conversation with William, Ashley decided to start moving things along and it didn't take long to call Narsson and summon her to the museum.

“ We need to stop by and do some paperwork, I'll see you there.” was all the blonde said to her former teacher.

Leon could sense his partner's racing heart all morning, but said nothing, even though Ashley was aware that her nerves were not escaping his ears.

They prepared Ashley's car for the dogs and after grabbing the DSO reports and folders they climbed into the vehicle.

Graham rested her hands on the steering wheel and stood silently for a few seconds staring at a distant point.

“Is something wrong?” Leon asked.

“ I don't like bringing Narsson into this, I don't know if it's a good idea.”

“ They tried to kidnap her Ash. Before our trip to Spain she was already a target. Her knowing more about the parasite is inevitable. If they had taken her she would have found out anyway.”

Ashley drummed on the steering wheel.

“ Yeah... you're right. I may... still be trying to get as few people as possible into my business.”

“ You learned that from me. I'm getting better at it, but don't follow my example.” the man told her with a smile, remembering how when he went to Spain, he would dismiss all the attention she gave him just so he wouldn't worry her.

But in the end that only made her more distressed.

So he had to learn too.

“ Besides.” he wanted to add. “ You are going to offer her this proposal. She is within her rights to refuse and not participate. You are not forcing her.”

Those words seemed to calm her down a bit.

“ You're right. I guess I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.” she exhaled deeply. “ Come on, we don't want to keep her waiting.”

He started the car and Leon smiled.

“Didn't you say punctuality wasn't Narsson's forte?”

The blonde got out of the garage and pulled onto the road.

“ But it is Maria's, and she has a very bad temper when people don't show up at the appointed time.”

They both laughed.

*

Just as Ashley had said, Maria and Narsson showed up at exactly the right time.

It was ironic, Leon thought, after all both Maria and he were agents and Kennedy had always been unpunctual.

Both for the good... and for the bad.

The dogs ran out of Narsson's hands towards Ashley and him. Mint jumped on Ashley who grabbed him like a child and Leon knelt down to hug Pepper who licked his face nonchalantly.

The two laughed at the welcome and took a few minutes to catch up on their mundane lives.

Before getting into the storm.

Narsson and Maria couldn't help but watch the dogs walk alongside each of the youngsters, with their favorite humans. They looked like a little family.

They walked through the halls of the museum. Ashley put special harnesses on her dogs as guard animals so they could go with her. They all rode the elevator down to the labs and walked to one of the back rooms.

When they entered Narsson looked the room up and down.

“ Wow Ashley, you sure did hurry, though it's ironic.” she smiled, turning to her former student. “ The one who said she wouldn't work in a lab.”

Ashley gave a slightly nervous smile.

She didn't know where to start or how to go about it. How was it possible, she had been able to give a confidential talk to her own father and she wasn't able to do the same with her teacher?

The difference was that she didn't know anything .

Ashley's smile slowly faded.

Enma knew nothing about biological weapons or deadly viruses or medieval parasites.

So did she. Before she was kidnapped and taken to Spain.

Just as they had tried to kidnap Narsson, but... this time she was able to prevent Enma from suffering the same fate.

And yet, there she was, planning how to tell her something she had kept secret from her ever since she had known her.

Part of Ashley wished that when she told her everything she would slap her in the face and walk out the door.

But all those what ifs were no longer valid. They were there and she had to talk.

Now or never.

“ Yes, that's what I had you come over for.” The blonde finally said, still not quite sure how to continue the conversation.

Leon had been sensing Ashley's uncertainty ever since they had opened the lab door. With his hands in his pockets he leaned back against the edge of one of the long lab tables and met Maria's gaze.

“ So, do you need some advice?” Enma asked.

Maria knew Graham and in her expression she could see something that didn't fit. Vazquez looked at Leon, who looked back at her silently. The man's expression made her understand that now she had to listen. 

“I... I could say yes.” she paused, taking a deep breath. “I rather need your knowledge, Enma.”

Narsson arched his eyebrows without quite understanding. Leon and Maria watched in silence and the man heard Ashley's heart thud.

"You can do it, princess." he thought to himself.

“ My knowledge?”

Ashley nodded and leaned against the table.

“ In Spain... we found some fossils that reminded me of the specimens you discovered on your first expeditions and... I would like you to take part in our research.”

Narsson's eyes widened and his index finger glowed with excitement.

“ Can I see the fossil?”

Leon's muscles tensed under his clothes and his blue eyes slid softly to Ashley. He could see Ashley's body react the same way for an instant and her heart flutter.

“ Sure.” Graham said pulling a folder out of her backpack. “They haven't been able to bring it here yet, but they probably will tomorrow.” she reported with calculated calmness, pulling out some photographs.

She spread them out on the table and Narsson approached.

Maria watched the two women from her position next to Leon and whispered quietly just for him to hear.

“ Leon, can you explain to me what's going on? What did you find there?”

The agent did not take his eyes off the archaeologists.

“Did you read my report from Spain?”

“ When Ashley crossed the Atlantic to come after you I was asking Hunnigan to let me read it so I could understand why she was doing something insane like this.”

Leon took a soft breath and exhaled through his nose.

“We found remnants of those things much older than what I described in the report.”

Maria opened her eyes wide and without gave the blood rushing through her body.

“Do you think those parasites could be a danger?”

Leon frowned.

“I don't know and I don't want to check, that's why Ashley wants Narsson's help, to find them as quickly as possible, before something like Spain can happen again.”

Narsson looked at the photographs of the specimen and paled on the spot.

That was... a specimen too well preserved to be a fossil.

That shell was very similar to an ammonite specimen that survived into the early Cenozoic, but not much. It was that discovery that opened up a lot of paths for her when she started out in that world, but....

This one she was showing Ashley was... different.

The specimen looked a lot like the one she found over a decade ago, but this one had... something embedded or even... fused with its shell.

Enma took the photos in her hands and sat down at the wide table with a serious expression. She looked carefully at the photographs, analyzing that strange shape that was attached to the cephalopod's shell.

It did not look like a sea plant that had grown on the shell. Nor was it a deformation of the shell, since the patterns on the shell were clearly linear, so....

That was another living thing.

And in all her years of studying and exchanging knowledge with other paleontologists, they were not at all familiar with the existence of such a creature.

Enma remained silent and understood that what she was seeing was something new. Something that seemed not to have been discovered yet.

Her heart began to pump hard, but she tried to remain calm as she raised her greenish eyes to her former student.

“ This... is something else Ashley, there is something else.” the teacher told her seriously. 

Ashley nodded cautiously.

“Yes, that's why I wanted to show it to you, so you could help me... discover its origin.”

She may have been impulsive and selfish at times, but she was no fool. That tiny pause in Ashley's sentence, that hesitation was enough for her to know that there was more, that there were many coincidences since she'd known her.

Too many.

Narsson gently sat upright in his seat, looking calmly at his former student

“Ashley... this isn't your ambition for wanting to get into the industry sooner rather than later, is it?”

Graham kept her emotions at bay, but her fingers twitched imperceptibly against the edge of the table. She took a soft intake of breath with the intention of denying what Narsson was telling her, but the teacher was quicker.

“It's personal, isn't it?”

Ashley was left with the words half-spoken, aware that there was no way to make Enma think otherwise.

Student and teacher looked at each other for a moment.

“A little.” she finally replied.

Enma crossed her arms.

“When I suggested that you study paleobiology, but you didn't know how to answer me until you came back from a "vacation," was it because of this?”

Ashley knew at that moment she was lost and Enma knew she couldn't lie to her anymore, the question was, to what extent could she pry the information out of her?

The blonde sighed.

“That trip influenced my decision, yes.”

Narsson did not take her eyes off her and added with the same temper he rarely showed.

“Is this the reason your father got angry at the party?”

“One of them.” she nodded, keeping her cool and calm.

Narsson took a few seconds longer to ask his last question, one that even Ashley wouldn't have thought he would ask.

“This creature... is it related to the origin of that scar of yours?”

This time Ashley couldn't help but widen her eyes. She knew that Narsson never bought her story of surgical treatment in Europe, well, yes to some extent, but with doubts.

And this was the question as to whether he could place his trust in her.

Ashley took a few moments to answer, shifting her weight on her leg several times, thinking about not lying to him or telling him the truth.

She shouldn't. It was confidential information, she shouldn't tell him details.

Although... it wasn't a detailed question, but... a probing one.

He raised his amber irises to his former tutor and stared at her.

“ Yes, it is.”

Narsson held Graham's gaze and something in her felt... warm, as if she had just managed to jump over that little wall that had always stood between them and had been getting smaller and smaller since the kidnapping attempt.

Enma gave a faint smile and let out a faint laugh.

She raised her greenish eyes and smiled defiantly. This was an enigma that was too much for her.

“ Count me in.”

*

The door opened and a long sigh echoed behind him. Ashley plopped down on the couch and the dogs ran around, happy to be back home.

Leon removed their harnesses and hung them on the perches in the entryway and then turned to his companion.

“It wasn't so bad, was it? You didn't have to tell him about the plaga.”

Graham leaned her head back against the back of the sofa.

“But she'll figure it out, Leon. I guess I'll have to keep an eye on her for safety.”

“We'll have to keep an eye on her.” Leon punctuated by gently slapping her forehead and looking down on her. “I'm your partner now, not your escort.”

Ashley stared at him for a few seconds and then smiled.

“ You are right. It's a shame, I won't be able to play bodyguard jokes on you anymore.”

“Be careful, now I can take more liberties.” he joked, tapping her on the forehead.

Ashley pushed his hand away with arched eyebrows.

“More than you already had? That's going to be hard, we looked like roommates.”

“That's true.” laughed the man softly, turning away and heading for the exit. “I should go inform Hunnigan about today.”

Graham waved goodbye.

“I'll attend to my father.” she turned on the couch to look at Leon.” Would you like to go for a run later?”

Leon gave him a thumbs-up gesture.

“ Sure, let me know when you want to.”

She watched him leave and the two of them briefed their respective contacts on recent events.

Now they just wanted to enjoy a bit of a normal afternoon before returning to work the next day. A breather before the storm.

***

Broken glass crunched under his boots.

His breath formed a haze that blurred his vision.

Cold sweat trickled down the back of his neck, soaking his uniform.

He didn't know how long he had been hanging around the police station.

The wood of the stairs creaked again, over jumping him and making him point the gun behind him.

He was alone.

He sensed the tremor in the gun he wielded and bit his tongue to keep his pulse steady.

"Don't hesitate. If you miss you are a dead man." he repeated to himself in the silence of his mind.

He had to find a way out.

Marvin was running out of time.

The thunder echoed outside like bombs and the rain pounded the glass in the corridors loudly.

The sound was overwhelming.

Too much noise. Too much noise.

His heart was pounding like a hammer, the only thing that made his body able to move, to keep going.

Time had stopped in that place. Everything seemed static.

The silence was deafening and the smell of blood that stained his uniform made his eyes sting.

Why did this have to happen?

Why did he always have to be late?

He was late when that mercenary broke into his house to kill them all and he was too late to call the police. He was eleven years old, but... he could have been quicker.

What about now?

He was late for his first day of work because he had too much to drink in his grief.

If he had arrived earlier... maybe they could have evacuated faster, maybe Marvin wouldn't have been attacked, and maybe....

A grunt made him react and raise the gun with muscles tensed like wires.

His body ached.

Every muscle ached horrendously.

But terror was fueling his survival instinct.

The growling stopped and he turned down the hallway cautiously.

There was nothing. He was still alone.

He let out the air he hadn't realized he was holding and lowered the gun. 

He had to get back to Marvin now that he had the key to the exit.

He turned on his heel and his heart stopped.

That wasn't the hallway she had come down.

He turned his head and the corner disappeared, revealing a long corridor behind him.

Where was he?

Then he began to hear sobbing. A female voice echoed down the hallway along with strange ...wet sounds.

He picked up his flashlight and gun and began to walk cautiously.

With each step, the pained moans grew louder and he began to hear a sort of rustling sound.

“Marvin?” he called out into the darkness with his heart in his throat.

No one answered. Then his flashlight illuminated a figure kneeling on the ground. It looked like a woman.

“Claire?”

The figure was sobbing and leaning toward the ground. Where a body seemed to be resting.

And from the paleness it did not appear to be alive.

The flashlight illuminated the woman's blonde hair.

“Hello?” His voice was shaky as he approached cautiously and then he began to perceive that familiar figure. That voice he had heard even in his sleep and that shiny, silky hair that was now stained with blood and grime.

“Ash...ley?”

The figure stopped with shaking shoulders. A sob echoed loudly in the hallway.

“Ashley it's me...are you okay? what are you doing here?”

She shouldn't be there, his memories were jumbling.

Ashley was still on her back, but she seemed to sob again before she started to get up and turn to him.

“Ash...we have to get out of-”

The flashlight shone on her abnormally pale, almost cerulean skin, with half a face full of blood and her mouth chewing something before swallowing.

Her crimson eyes glowed in the darkness and dark veins stretched across her half disfigured face.

“Le... on…”

Her voice was a chilling mix between a croak and a sob. Her brow was furrowed in pain and his abnormal fangs protruded from her scarlet lips.

Then he cried blood.

“Kill...me.” she moaned.

His whole body and the gun trembled in his hand.

She took a step toward him, staggering as if her body had forgotten how to walk.

“No...no... not you....”

She shuffled limply toward him, crying in red tears and sobbing as if breathing brought her pain.

“Kill... me…” she repeated desperately in an almost unintelligible gurgle.

He stepped back with the gun, hesitant, cold sweat pouring down the back of his neck and his sanity hanging by a thread.

“ No…”

She cried raising her hands, now claws, towards him.

“Kill me…”

He couldn't breathe.

His lungs were burning.

He couldn't blink.

His muscles ached.

His hand was shaking. The gun was shaking.

Come on.

Shoot.

That's what she's asking for. A quick death. Come on. COME ON.

His heart broke along with the brink of his madness.

He lowered the gun.

“I can't.”

Those once-golden eyes flickered like glowing embers, red as blood. From her throat emerged a growl that no longer resembled any human sound, as dark veins engulfed her soft skin.

“I'm... sorry..." he sobbed, unable to pull the trigger.

She cried blood.

She screamed his name.

And lunged at him.

***

He screamed getting up suddenly on the bed. He felt something touch his shoulder and his reflexes were quicker than his reasoning, throwing his hand out to grab whatever it was that had touched him.

He heard a muffled gasp.

“ Leon…”

He blinked with bated breath and sweat soaking his clothes. His pupils took a few seconds to get used to the dim light of a cell phone and he stared at what he was still holding tightly.

The blood left her heart when he saw his hand clenched around Ashley's throat. She held his wrist tightly and her golden eyes met his blue ones.

“It's me, Leon.” She whispered watching her partner's dilated pupils.

The images still flickered in her mind, but she felt everything falling apart.

He released his grip and clutched Ashley's face with both hands, looking down at her in terror.

She could feel the panic in his hands, in his quivering lips and his wild eyes.

She'd never seen him like this, so scared... just... coming to her that one time, years ago, when he told her about his murdered family after a nightmare.

But this was... different.

Leon's whole body was shaking. He gripped her face so tightly he couldn't move his neck.

It hurt to see him so vulnerable, so terrified, so... broken.

Ashley reached up and caressed his wrists.

“You were calling me in your sleep.” she whispered to him in the dark. - you weren't waking up, you couldn't hear me, you didn't-

Leon brought his face close and rested his forehead against hers, shutting her up.

Ashley looked at him with pain and concern, reaching out a hand to touch his jaw.

“Do you want to talk?”

He took several seconds to respond, taking his time to separate reality from his recent nightmare. He smelled her soft scent, clean and pleasant. He tangled his trembling fingers in her straight hair, soft and without any dirt in it. The iron smell gradually faded as her breathing returned to a more normal rhythm.

“No." his voice was almost aphonic, hoarse from sleep and broken by the scream upon awakening.

Ashley shivered at the shudder it gave her and pulled her face a little closer until their noses were touching. She brushed the tip of Leon's with hers from side to side, gently and calmly, slowly bringing him back to earth.

“I'm here…” she whispered keeping the caresses of her nose on his.

“Don't leave…”

She half-opened her eyes at those words and brought her hands to his hair.

“I won't.”

They didn't know how long they stayed in that position, or when they started to move. Ashley pulled his soaked shirt off and before she knew it she was in Leon's arms.

He laid her gently on the bed with him, not letting go at any point, as if he needed her constant touch to keep him sane.

They said nothing. They didn't utter a sound.

Leon just hugged her against his chest with fervor, almost terror. She wrapped him around her waist gently, listening to the violent throbbing in his chest.

This time the nightmares had returned to him and she felt curious enough to ask, but...he had told her he didn't want to talk, so she wouldn't.

Ashley stroked Leon's broad bare back with her fingertips, with great gentleness and affection.

Leon let those caresses soothe him little by little, clearing his tormented mind.

Everything had gotten mixed up in his head, the past and the present had played with his senses, making him believe that he was really there, that he was still locked up in that cursed city.

Only to then be reminded of what might have happened, of what Ashley might have become years ago or... No, he didn't want to think about it, not now.

“I was in Raccoon City.” He mumbled against her hair, unable to hold back his words. He didn't want to talk anymore, didn't want her to ask him and have to reminisce about the dream.

“You're home now, with me. You're safe.”

She didn't ask him. She just spoke softly to him, like in quarantine.

He closed his eyes, let her words rock him, being the only person who had ever seen him in such a... weak and vulnerable state.

And not once did she say anything to him.

She just listened and soothed him.

“I'm home…” he repeated with her, slowly falling back into sleep from exhaustion and tension.

They both caressed each other in silence. For a moment, returning to those dark nights in hell, where the other's body kept them warm, where the other's voice made them understand that they were alive and together.

They went back there, to those endless minutes that they managed to rest and cling to each other to keep going.

To be able to not lose in the face of madness.

[hpowellsmith]

Books of January

I've really enjoyed reading more this month! I always read a lot over the holidays and then fall out of the habit but ended up doing more this time around.

Wild: from Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail - Cheryl Strayed (reread)

I liked this when I first read it, and liked it even more this time. The sense of the outdoors and the personal journeys within feel incredibly real to me. It inspired me to get out and about more: I always feel better when I take some time outdoors. I didn't really get on with her other books, but this one remains a favourite.

Dancing on Eggshells: Kitchen, Ballroom, & The Messy Inbetween - John Whaite

Every so often I read a celebrity memoir and usually it falls a little flat - often too obviously ghostwritten/over-edited or glib or twee. This one is less over-polished which is to its benefit, includes a bunch of lovely recipes, and explores growing up gay in England during Section 28 (at the same time I was growing up). Whaite comes across as very sincere in this, and since publication has said he's quitting TV which is probably a good thing. It was interesting reading the Strictly parts having read Craig Revel Horwood's memoir last year - Revel Horwood is very blithe about how lovely it all is whereas Whaite gives a more complicated perspective.

Maw - Jude Ellison S. Doyle

This horror graphic novel is gripping in places but it didn't pull me in as much as I'd hoped having read Doyle's discussions about the writing process and inspirations. It was over a little fast, characters appeared and were killed off a little too speedily for it to have much impact, and the ending felt a little abrupt. I liked the characters and the general idea but would have liked more breathing room to get to know them. I've got The Neighbors on pre-order and hope to get into that one more.

The Easternmost Sky - Juliet Blaxland

I could write an essay about what was frustrating about this book - the lack of class-consciousness from someone who casually mentions going to visit cousins for Christmas at the local manor, the (wilfully?) ignorant comments about rewilding, the unexamined pro-hunting commentary - but parts of it are quite good and evocative. Having grown up in rural England where neither I nor my peers were involved with the hunting-and-shooting manor-house culture, it's irritating to read a book which cheerfully conflates "country life" with being someone who loves running to hounds and thinks hunting is great, but some of the descriptions were lovely. Still, I'd recommend other nature writers like Robert MacFarlane or Helen Macdonald (who engages with falconry, but in a much more thoughtful way) over this one.

The Lives of Christopher Chant - Diana Wynne Jones (reread)

This was a beloved book from my teenage years and I shared it with my child after there was a lot of enjoyment of Howl's Moving Castle and Charmed Life last year. This one was a harder sell, it turned out: it's slower-paced than I remember, and bleaker, and there's very DWJ-esque penultimate chapter where a lot of stuff suddenly happens and is revealed and resolved very fast. I do love Christopher and his friends, though, and as with many of DWJ's books, it does betrayal and sudden self-awareness heartbreakingly well.

Mexican Gothic - Silvia Moreno-Garcia

I. Loved. This. I loved it! I'd read a couple of Moreno-Garcia's books before and enjoyed them reasonably but this was the first one where it really grabbed me and wouldn't let go. A post-colonial Mexican gothic horror in which the heroine probes into an English family's business when her cousin, who's married into this family, sends a disturbed message begging for help... it's so good. I don't want to say anything more about it but I enjoyed it immensely and it solidified Moreno-Garcia as a favourite author.

Toto the Ninja Cat and the Legend of the Wildcat - Dermot O'Leary

This was really cute. My child and I ended up losing track of some of the plot, which became slightly complex, but it was generally adorable. There's not a ton else to say other than it's a nice story with a few jokes for adults that are good sensible-chuckle material.

Untamed Shore - Silvia Moreno-Garcia

This was so good. It's a noir thriller without the supernatural elements I'd encountered in the author's other work, but it gripped me excellently. I really enjoyed the unfolding dangerousness of all the characters, including the protagonist, and I was genuinely uncertain about what would happen towards the end - it had me really tense! I enjoyed it greatly.

[shamrock313]

Emma Roberts and Cody John

This reading is for entertainment purposes only. Please take everything you read with a grain of salt. Enjoy!

EMMA POV: 6 of Wands + 3 of Cups (rev) + Empress = 6oW indicates a bright future for her and Cody. Success in love. Chance to fulfill relationship goal. So, we're all aware she's engaged and she has been before, so there's a chance for her to actually go down the aisle. Very happy w/ relationship.

3oC (R) asks if she really wants to be married especially if its to him. "ensure that you are not masking your feelings w/ superficial cheer". Basically, be honest with yourself and don't put yourself in a place where you feel you're not truly happy.

Empress is of course about motherhood, so I cannot confirm if she will have a child for Cody, but she might have a chance to whether it's natural or with a surrogate/IVF. Stable, serious, committed relationship. Again, this card represents marriage / pregnancy.

CODY POV: 4 of Swords + 7 of Cups (rev) = 4oS means that he takes time away from her to reset himself. Alone time. Taking a break. Puts a lot into this relationship. Tired / burnout. Often disagreeing with one another that he has to walk away, be with his thoughts, and ask himself if this is what he wants.

7oC (R) Chaotic and confusing love life. Lacks clarity about relationship. Constantly 2nd guesses himself. I think he also may be wondering if they're really going to go down the aisle too.

Dynamic: Knight of Cups + Page of Swords (side) = KoC Romance, attraction, being in love with love, and unrealistic expectations on love. PoS (U) Emotional needs not being met. Small / petty disputes may turn into bigger conflicts. Again, they really need to see if being married is the right choice for them. (Rev) Argumentative / communication issues. Lack of honesty / there is a liar within this relationship.

Cody as a Person: The Magician (rev) - So, I don't know anything about Cody. I know he's an actor, he's with Emma, and that's it. I've never seen any of his work. Anyways, tarot says he's indecisive and insecure. "May swing from overconfidence to self-doubt". People probably don't even know about this side to him. "He's a pretty face that is insecure with himself".

Okay, pause. What you're about to read next is Emma as a person. Now, ya'll may not believe in tarot and some may read this for entertainment, but when I tell you I had to stop and laugh. OMG. This hit every nail on the head. Get your snack and drink ready.

If you are a fan of this woman, don't read this. Just go ahead and scroll pass this and find some other content.

Emma as a Person: Knight of Swords (rev) + Death (rev) + Temperance (rev) + Queen of Wands (rev) = KoS (R) she is reckless and acts before she thinks. Impatient and aggressive. Mood swings / outburst are what makes her relationships hard to remain stable. Being around her makes people feel nervous and uneasy of what she may do or say next.

Death (R) indicates that she's living in the past. Caught in a loop of negative thoughts. I did wonder if she recreates Evan moments with Cody. Does that make sense? Like does she take Cody to places or do activities that her and Evan use to do? Most of y'all have been in the fandom longer than I have so, if you know let me know.

Temp (R) - Erratic behavior. Brings an air of chaos. "Emotions can be seen as unpredictable as a roller coaster. She's always up and down. Beware of her presence and keep your distance". Again, makes you feel uncomfortable. Things she may say, makes you feel unworthy and she only does it to better herself. If she ruins your day, that means to her she's gonna have a great day knowing she upset you.

QoW (R) she is overbearing and manipulative. Only cares about herself. Domineering, insecure, and emotionally draining.

[kushisone420]

Realizing Self isn't selfish. In fact not realizing self is selfish

This might be a ramble, but here we go.

Like a decent percentage of people who got into the law of assumption, it was all because of a person. Before I got into this rabbit hole of law of assumption and nonduality I had manifested a man into my life who was perfect, basically somewhat of a guy version of me. I made a list of everything I desired in a man and let it go and it just happened. However, my beliefs, unhealed attachment issues, putting him on a pedestal and seeing love as something outside of myself turned into undesirable experiences. I then turned to the law of assumption after coming across a Reddit post of women getting her SP back. I saw it as some magic spell to get the love back that I craved. It worked for the first three months but I still wasn't getting the desired results I wanted. I then became obsessed with my desires from the month of March to June. Constantly wishfully thinking, not being. I stopped meditating, a practice I had cultivated for over a year. Then.. a 3P came into the mix. My ego and mortal mind was really upset because I had been doing everything right, or I thought I had. Then a good friend in Early June got me into the work of John Paolucci and that got me into non dualism.

I see this so often with many people manifesting SPs. It takes them so long or it never happens and they manifest/experience someone else because they see their SP outside of themselves. They obsess, watch every move their SP makes and often them wanting their SP is a sign of an unhealed wound they need to release. I know mine was along with my beliefs that I wasn't perfect, men would leave me, and only want me for my body and looks.

I don't identify with that person anymore. Since walking towards realizing self I love everyone and everything. I look at my dogs with so much love because they are me, everyone around me and I have so much love for my SP,. I love him because he was the person who pushed me to walk down this path and I love him because he is me. I don't really need him right now and I let go, and let god.

Here are some takeaways from my experience:

Like Lester Levenson mentioned in his book Key to the Ultimate Freedom, realizing self benefits the world more than you think. A lot of my friends have gotten into spirituality more and non duality. I find myself to be a better friend than I once was, I am more caring, I listen better, I love unconditionally. I let people be who they are and I expect nothing but the best for them.

In my journal in January I wrote "All my life I had been filling other's cups up expecting them to fill mine in return, how selfish of me to do so. I want to fill my cup up so much that it overflows and others can drink from it". Fill your cup up first, give without expecting a return.

Love is so fucking powerful. Actual divine love. Not the egotistical/mortal love. Love is so free, relaxing, powerful, and blissful. I am convinced that experiencing love with another person or what John Paolucci calls "dream people" is just a cherry on top.

If you are reading this and are into LOA, please just ask yourself why you are manifesting an SP. Remind yourself who you are.. Dissolve any ego regarding it. LOA can be so misunderstood, people often think they are doing techniques to get something but that is far from the truth. You are doing the techniques to feel. You are touching your pure source, who you are.

At times when I want to feel the source of love, I sit in my heart chakra, asking myself "Who am I?" and I just feel it glow and it is so powerful and blissful. I have started to do this often whenever I have a thought. I love it so much.

I still do want to experience love with another person. But healthy love, preferably with someone who is open to nonduality and wants to learn or someone who already knows. I don't need it, but it is something to experience. I manifested/brought to awareness the body of Kush on this planet to experience, have fun, play, and learn who I am. Earth is a playground for gods, I want to dig my toes in the sandbox lol. For now I am just focused on Self. Anyways, just a ramble, experience sharing and some of my thoughts. I don't really identify with my human self as much anymore so this post could be deleted as it shares some of my past. But for now, I wanted to share this, maybe someone who was in the same spot as me.

[avelera]

hello! just dropping in to say I’m loving all your wonderful fics :) CLWM gives me such a feeling of..comfort?? with being butch & bisexual that i so rarely experience while reading & it’s been such a gift. the recent chapter made me wanna stand up & scream “yes!! that’s exactly what it feels like to be bi!!” their gender doesn’t change how u feel about a person u love just the.. shape of that attraction? if that makes sense? & I cant listen to never let me go without getting super emotional about GS, lol! anyways. ur fics have made many a gloomy day much brighter thank u for writing them :)

Thank you so much!! 😭 Definitely, “Come live with me” is a VERY bisexual story at its heart. It’s about Hob falling (deeper) in love with Dream (and vice versa) while navigating loving Dream in private as a man loving a man and in public as a man loving a “woman”, at least in the eyes of society. It brings with it a raft of complexity in that respect, sometimes I truly wrestle with even how to label everything that’s happening with Dream in terms of his sexuality, gender identity, and what pronouns to use, given he is a magical shapeshifter and an anthropomorphic personification and his exact experience can’t and never will be perfectly mirrored in the real world (is he bi? Pan? Genderqueer? Cis or trans male? He’s certainly living a trans male experience in public as Morfea but even that is complicated by the shapeshifting making all of it temporary for him, even as I see him as an entity with a stronger and preferred sense of having a predominantly male self as his choice of identity and pronouns, which Hob respects and indeed prefers, given it’s how he’s known and been in love with Dream the longest, and because as far as he can tell, it’s Dream’s preferred identity that he chooses when not under duress).

Whereas Hob, our POV character is in my mind, VERY comfortable in his gender and sexuality, having had plenty of time to truly experiment with it over the centuries, and as such firmly identifies as cis male and bisexual. He is so comfortable in his gender that he’s curious to experiment with having a “woman’s” body in the Dreaming just to see what it’s like but he is genuinely nervous about getting stuck that way because he’s happy and comfortable as he is, while also aware of the fact that not everyone is. (Language gets a little fiddly here, particularly given the fantasy elements, and I’m typing on my phone so forgive me for any terminology slippage and understand every use of “male/female, man/woman” is meant to be trans inclusive).

But yes, anyway! It’s meant to be a very gender/trans/sexuality positive fic and the deeper we go into how Hob and Dream live together and fall in love in this complex situation of being in a “het” marriage in public but being far more complex in private but shading towards m/m when given the choice, the more I’ve been sort of thinking about these elements and trying to bring that positivity to the foreground, like making sure there is also a trans male human character (John) as a reminder that the life Dream is living ISN’T just a fantasy this WAS a lived experience in the 1800s too, (“we have always been here” re: the queer experience) and making sure that it’s clear that John’s story is a happy one with no hidden “gotcha”s. And I think some of the importance of that for me IS as a bisexual cis woman (leaning somewhat towards “non practicing” cis woman/butch myself as well!) and exploring without necessarily answering what it’s like to love someone as much as Hob does Dream, both as a man and as a woman? It’s been a lovely experience and idea to explore so I’m always so pleased when people enjoy! Thank you!