#what if we were both unlovable monsters that could never be understood

[kilannad]

Something something every time I meet you you turn me into something different but it always affects you always breaks you into smaller pieces just as it does for me. No matter what life we live it’s always just you and me and the voices in our heads no matter what we bring the end of the world and you do it for me, again and again and again and again and again because I ask you to show me the world and you show me how to hate and love and despair and kill and die

Something something there is no change without death. There is no death without living a story

[dracosathenaeum]

Soulmates ii

Summary: You could only spend so much time running from the inevitable.

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2,455

PART 1 | PART 3

Draco sat in his usual spot of the astronomy tower; he found himself spending more time here than he had before, it was the only place in the castle that he could truly be alone. He had spent every evening for the last week locked up in the tower, thinking about what you had said.

From when he was a child, his father had told him to cherish his soulmate, that ‘no matter how dark us Malfoy’s got, no matter what situation we got ourselves into, our soulmates were the backbone of the Malfoy’s, our better halves.’ His mother and father were happy, they found a life with one another, a happy one. Maybe he was delusional to think the same was possible for him.

He didn’t even know you; you’d never even spoken before that quidditch match, how could you hate him already? Was he that hard to love? Did you really despise him that much? Thoughts of why he wasn’t enough of you plagued his thoughts the entire week he avoided you, he just didn’t know how to fix what was never there.

He wasn’t about to give up though, he had spent a lifetime waiting for you, he would change your mind no matter what. That was also part of the reason he had spent all that time alone, he needed a plan, a plan to make you see that he wasn’t the cold-hearted monster you thought he was. He was fine with the rest of the world thinking that of him, but not you. He didn’t even know you, but you were supposed to be the one person who was on his side.

You felt guilty to say the least. Calling someone unlovable, (whether or not they actually were) was cruel, your friends made sure you were well aware of that. Perhaps you had gone a little hard on him but surely everyone could see where you were coming from, there had been bets going on since first year about 2 people’s soulmates. Harry Potter’s would be the luckiest and Draco Malfoy’s would be the unluckiest, so why was it you.

After all of this, no one could blame you for being surprised when he started sending you letters. Well you assumed they were from him, the cursive ‘M’ on the green seal was enough of a clue. If you weren’t feeling shit about yourself before, you definitely were once the letters started arriving. They came at breakfast every few days, but as the weeks drew on, they turned into one each day. You never opened them, shoving them straight into your pockets to stash away in your drawers, too afraid to open them, afraid of what they would say.

Your friends saw you do this each morning, yet no number of disapproving looks would change your mind. You just weren’t ready to be tied to Malfoy for the rest of your life. You didn’t want any part in his life, everyone knew what the Malfoys were like, and how much they valued their precious reputation. You just weren’t suited for it, the morals the old family kept so dear disgusted you.

So why did he keep trying? If you were in his position you would’ve stopped trying weeks ago. You weren’t sure what was keeping you from opening the letters. The guilt over him overhearing you those weeks ago? Or that you’d avoided him for so long that it was just second nature to you. The whole school knew you were soulmates, but everyone knew you were avoiding him like the plague, they gave you looks of pity when they walked past you in hallways, you wondered what kind of looks they gave Draco. Not that you cared.

As you made your way to the library, you heard rapid footsteps approaching; afraid it was Draco, you start to pick up your pace, refusing to turn around for a second. “Gods, Y/N slow down. I’m not a quidditch player like you, this is not fair.” Whoops, it was just Liam. Smiling sheepishly, you turned around to apologise to the sweating boy, maybe you ought to whip him into shape on a broom sometime soon, he was not looking good.

“I’m so sorry! I thought you were Draco! But seriously, you need to work on your stamina, if not for you own sake then for Mina’s…” Liam sent you a glare and a vulgar gesture which you admittedly deserved.

“Y/N listen, I know you don’t want to hear it, but Draco came up to me during study hall and he asked me to pass a message to you, he seemed pretty upset, and yeah I am talking about THE Draco Malfoy. Even I’m starting to take pity on him, just listen to his message?” All your friends were traitors, you decided. You knew they all wanted you to give him a chance, but you thought they would understand that if it ever did happen it would be on your own terms, and many many years in the future.

“Fine, what does he want?” You could never win against your friends; you had learnt that the hard way in second year…

“He says he’ll leave you alone but only if you meet him in the astronomy tower at 7pm tonight. He really seemed desperate, I think you should give him a clear answer at least, instead of just straight out avoiding him. I mean you have been a bit of a dick to him, no matter how bad he may be. Soulmates are supposed to be a support pillar for each other through thick and thin, you need him just as much as he needs you. Consider it please? For you own sake if not his.” Tom gave you a sad smile before turning and walking away. Typical, he had just dumped a heavy burden on you and ran away, some friend he was. Your thoughts were more confused than before, even though you didn’t think that was possible.

Draco was an awful human being, you had seen what he was from first year, you had heard the rumours, everyone had. So why was the universe so keen for you to be with him? Why couldn’t you have had someone ordinary and nice as your soulmate. You had questioned yourself over this a hundred times in the past month yet every day you woke up with his name still on your wrist. Maybe your only option was Draco, every day you woke up with nothing changed, was a day closer to accepting the reality that you really didn’t want.

18:00

Draco was shitting himself, truly shitting himself. Maybe he shouldn’t have said he wouldn’t try again after this, what if it didn’t work? What if you said no? What if he fucked up his last chance and you truly didn’t want him at all? He had imbedded crescent marks into both of his arms at this point, pacing back and forth across the dusty floor, reciting what he would say to you. It would have been a lot easier if you had read your letters, but he understood why you hadn’t, he understood that he needed to change to have you. He’d do anything.

19:00

Draco should’ve guessed you weren’t going to show. Of course, you wouldn’t. You hadn’t responded to any of his letters so why would this time be any different. But he’d gotten used to it by now, sitting and waiting in the tower hoping you would’ve read his letters and would give him a chance. But just like the past 3 weeks, it was just him in the tower.

You on the other hand were sat in your common room with your friends, ready for a night of card games and firewhiskey. Everyone knew exactly what you were doing but no one said anything but still gave you a disappointed look every minute or so. You were used to them at this point, besides, the firewhiskey helped to numb everything.

20:00

He had nowhere else to be, an extra hour or two was nothing, and he would kick himself if you showed and he wasn’t there.

You were too sober to be where you were. You were used to your friends being all coupley with each other, you had been since last year yet right now you would rather be anywhere than right there. You found yourself slipping from your common room, just wanting to take a walk and get away from the disapproving stares aimed at you and affectionate actions they gave each other. This sucked.

20:59

Draco had held onto hope this entire time, hope that you would give him this one chance. God if this is how people felt when they lost all hope, he understood why people hated villains, he didn’t want to feel ever again if this was what it was like to care and to have hope.

Shaking his head at his own patheticness, Draco pulled the door handle, ready to leave and just drown in the prefect’s bath that was waiting for him. What he hadn’t expected was for you to be on the other side, pushing the door open as he pulled causing you to fall straight into his arms.

You truly didn’t think you’d end up going to meet Draco, but your legs had ended up taking you up to the astronomy tower after you had spent an hour walking around pretty much everywhere else in the castle. You didn’t think he’s still be there; you were almost 2 hours late after all. You didn’t know what you were doing standing outside the door and not opening it. He wasn’t inside so what was holding you back. You took a deep breath before pushing the door open… and falling straight into someone’s arms.

[#A/N: I really considered ending it here but I was feeling nice ;)]

You scramble out of his arms, running your hands over where his hands had been, but Draco must’ve mistakenly thought you were cold as the next thing you knew, his robes were being draped around your shoulders.

“Thank you but I don’t need it, here take it back.” Your hands moved to remove it from your shoulders, but he brought his hands up to stop you before you could. “You’re just in your pyjamas and I have a jumper on, just wear is please?” You just dopped your arms back down to your sides, a little grateful for the warmth the material brought you, and you really tried not to focus on the scent surrounding you.

“I didn’t think you’d still be here.” You broke the heavy silence that fell between you too, the remnants of alcohol in your body leaving you a little more open than usual.

“I didn’t want you to come and for me not to be here, I was serious about that one chance y/n. I promise I’ll stop trying if you just hear me out.”

The guilt that had been subdued from the alcohol was back looking at his solemn expression. This was the first time since the first incident that you had spoken to him, second time overall in your life, yet talking to him didn’t cause you as much anxiety as you had initially imagined. Maybe your friends were right, maybe you owed both Draco and yourself a chance.

“5 minutes.”

“That’s all I need, thank you.” His shoulders practically sagged in relief, tugging on your heart strings more than you would ever admit.

“I know what you think of me, what the whole school thinks of me. We both heard what you said that day but I’m really trying, can’t you see that? I’ve spent my entire life living in one way and it’s hard to suddenly change everything in my life, but I’m more than willing to do it for you. I just want to make you happy; I want to be happy. Whether we like it or not, we’re bound for life, can’t you give me a chance? A clean beginning? I can show you that I can change, that I’m not the unlovable monster you think I am. I might be a Malfoy but let me prove my worth to you.”

“That’s just it Draco, I don’t want you to have to change, because you think I’ll give you a chance for it. It literally has no meaning that way. You are who you are, it’s literally in your blood! You have been despicable these past 6 years, if you’re going to change then change for yourself and not for me. Your attitude towards non-pure bloods, your hatred towards Harry Potter and every other non-Slytherin, your superiority complex; it’s all a part of you don’t you see? That’s not something you can change overnight.” He was biting his lip so hard it started to bleed but neither of you did anything about it, just stood in tense silence as you waited for a response.

“Okay.”

“Okay? This isn’t ‘The Fault in Our Stars Draco’, you’re going to have to give me more.”

“What is ‘The Fault in Our Stars’? Anyways that’s not important, I meant; okay, I’ll change for me. If that’s what will make you happy.” Your jaw dropped, how was everything you were saying going in one ear and coming out the other, wasn’t he supposed to be one of the top students next to Hermione?

“You’ve literally missed the entire point. I don’t want you to change because of me, I want you to change because it’s the right thing to do, I want you to change and actually believe in what you’re changing for. I want you to be a better person for yourself and not for someone or anything else.”

“How- how do I do that?” he looked like a child whose ice cream you had just stolen.

“Figure that out yourself Draco, I’ll give you a chance when you can prove that to me.”

“But you just said this doesn’t happen overnight, how can I make you see that I mean it?”

“I don’t care if it takes you a few months or a few years, I can’t be with you as you are now Draco. And I don’t want you to fake who you are around me. If I’m going to be with you, I want to love you for you, and right now, I just can’t.” With that you turned to leave the room, completely forgetting about the robe draped over your figure until you got back to your room. You balled it up in your hands and shoved it in the same draw you kept his letters in, out of sight out of mind.

PART 3

#A/N: The first part of this got so much love and I just wasn't expecting that, thank you to everyone who’s read these!! I hope the next part will satisfy youu. This was supposed to go up like 2 hours ago but I got distracted playing among us 👀

TAGLIST: @bbeauttyybbx @pipppaaaaalouisee @theslytherinprincessworld @fangirl-3d2y @tttyrus @scriptingslytherin @justmimithings @purpleskymalfoy @minigigglybabi @malfoyquinn @secretaccshh @obbrssession @whatwoulddracodo @thatoneniceslytherin @thehumanistsdiary @mariah-can-dream @futureofanthropology @ccabian @tobarmaidswhodontcount @potatothingsz @xuckduck @dreamyginny

SOULMATES TAGLIST: @landocalrission @sunsetsofanemoia @yucksiedoodles @hey27 @frau-moon @slytherinbaddiee​ @celestialpuff​

[passable-talent]

Going with Ani to free his mom because you know it’s such a big moment for him (and obviously being there for the aftermath)

oof. here I go to make myself angsty for the evening

same day request answering. its like its april.

Padme Amidala is a really good person. It pretty much all comes back to that. 

She’s kind. She’s empathetic. She recognizes when someone is in pain, and when someone needs help. She understands when an unwise course of action is one that needs to be taken. 

So, of course, she understood when the Jedi apprentice meant to protect her instead wanted to run away to his birth planet and help his mother. Of course she did. 

Though, level headed as she was, she thought that it might be wise to gather up another Jedi. To watch over her while Anakin was distracted, or possibly to help Anakin face whatever plagued his mother. 

She suggested Anakin call upon Obi-Wan, which he refused. Obi-Wan’s mission was just as important, and if he knew what Anakin planned, Anakin would never be allowed to go.

So, instead, he called for you. 

You were also a Jedi apprentice, at that time training between missions at the temple on Coruscant. Your master, Shaak Ti, trusted you immensely, and granted you permission to leave on your own. You commanded a Starfighter and were on your way- opening a com to Anakin en route. You had never been to Tatooine before, but had heard about it whenever Anakin felt like sharing his childhood. As his closest friend other than his master, you knew how much his mother weighed on his soul, and how much he had wished that Qui-Gon could have saved her, too. You had known that one day, he would try to return. He had promised his Shmi as much. 

Anakin’s reunion with Watto was tense for just about everyone there. You didn’t know the terrain, you barely knew Padme, you certainly didn’t know Watto, but you felt the impatience rolling off of Anakin. It put you on edge, and so as he followed Watto into the shop, you kept pace behind Padme, ensuring her safety. It was the one thing you felt you were capable of doing, the one thing you could control. 

Anakin wasn’t very talkative. Padme tried- but he was a focused man, and felt closer to finding his mother than he had in a decade. You were a silent support, beside the senator, as though you could take some of the weight off of Anakin’s shoulders. Every emotion he experienced seemed to radiate out from him, and it almost made your head pound to get blasted with them all- the guilt, the fear, the anger. You just hoped that he’d find his mother alive, or else, you imagined, this would get so much worse. 

When you left the ship again, you found yourself in the most flat, barren landscape you’d ever seen. Growing up among the skyscrapers of Coruscant, it was almost unfathomable, to look out at the horizon and see nothing between you and it. 

There was, however, one little building, which you could gather was your destination. And a droid. 

Anakin’s mind must have been clouded by his emotion, or maybe he just wasn’t showing it, because you could feel that something was off. From the moment C-3PO requested to go inside, you knew that there was nothing but bad news here. You couldn’t say anything, though- you felt it wasn’t your place. Anakin was among his family, now, even if they’d never met him, and he needed to hear it from them. 

You could tell. Shmi Skywalker was gone. 

“It was just before dawn,” Cliegg Lars explained, “they came out of nowhere. A hunting party of Tusken Raiders.” You had heard of them before- in Anakin’s ramblings of the pod racing he did as a child. You sat at the end of the table opposite Cliegg, though it did feel informal. The head of the table was meant for anyone other than you, surely- but Anakin had his place at Cliegg’s right hand, and Owen at his left. 

“Your mother had gone out early, like she always did, to pick mushrooms off the vaporators.” At the very least, you were silently happy that Shmi had spent her last years as a free woman with a husband that clearly cared about her greatly. 

“From the tracks, she was about halfway home...” Your heart broke with every word for Anakin Skywalker, who had spent years dreaming of returning for his mother, only to arrive too late. “...When they took her.” Anakin’s face was devoid of clear emotion, but you knew him well- you could see that famous temper brewing inside of him. But, this was more than a frustration. This was so much deeper than that. 

“Those tuskens walk like men,” Cliegg continued with a sigh, “but they’re mindless, vicious monsters. Thirty of us went out after her, four of us came back.” You lowered your head in respect, but kept your eyes on your friend, whose brows were tightly knit. He was thinking, mulling it over, considering, processing. You couldn’t blame him, but wished you could make it easier. 

“I’d be out there with them, but...” Cliegg, too, was weighed down by his grief. His loss, you could see, was still just as raw as Anakin’s. “After I lost my leg, I just couldn’t ride anymore, until I heal.” Anakin’s heart seemed to break open wider with every moment that passed him by, and Cliegg continued, trying to reassure his lost stepson that his mother hadn’t died unloved. 

“I don’t want to give up on her, but she’s been gone a month.” Unimaginable it was how much it must’ve hurt Anakin to know that he had missed her by only a month. “There’s little hope she’s lasted this long.”

And there it was- the clear implication to Anakin that his mother was not only gone, but dead. That there was a finality to it, and nothing he could do. You watched him, carefully, as he turned his head, and clearly you could see that he didn’t take such helplessness well. 

He stood, and you made to do the same, but the both of you were interrupted by Owen, asking Anakin’s intensions. 

“To find my mother,” Anakin said, and you let out a short breath. 

“Your mother’s dead, son,” Cliegg said, with the voice of a heartbroken husband, “Accept it.” 

Anakin left without a word. 

You followed, knowing his plan. 

“Anakin, it’s dangerous,” you told him, and he turned, shaking his head. 

“I’m going. I have to.” 

“I know,” you said, and in the gaze you shared with him, he realized that you meant to come with him. 

Padme emerged from the entrance, and her gaze met yours. You nodded, and she gathered that you hadn’t been able to stop him. You hadn’t tried. 

“You’re gonna have to stay here,” you said, a little more hardness in your tone than you had intended. “You’ll be safe until we return.” Anakin stood behind you, grief and anger rolling off of him, and though she could not feel the Force, Padme clearly could see a man in pain. After all, Padme Amidala is a really good person. She walked to him and gave him a brief hug. 

“We won’t be long,” you promised as they parted, and as she retreated inside, you followed him to the speeder. 

The longer he rode, the more anguish he felt. He hardened before you, from a boy who lost his mother, to a man who sought revenge. You could only hope you would serve to curb the damage. 

Just after nightfall you reached the encampment of the raiders, their domes still lit by dying fires. You deferred to Anakin’s lead, assuming that he would know your enemy better than you. It had been a while since the two of you had gone on a mission together- if the atmosphere were less dire, you might have even enjoyed it. 

You don’t know how he chose which dome to enter, but it was the right one. You felt the world change when Anakin laid eyes on the bloodied woman tied to a post, like you were recognizing her yourself. Shmi Skywalker, still alive.

“Go,” you whispered, stationing yourself between the opening of the dome and the opening Anakin had created. His reunion was his own, and you gave him the best security and privacy you could. It was astounding that she had survived, all this time, and for a moment you were filled with hope, joy, that he had disobeyed Cliegg and searched for her anyway. Otherwise, she likely never would have been found. You kept your eyes to the night outside the dome, a lookout, your breathing calm with the joy and love and relief that Anakin had once again allowed into his body. 

And then you felt it change. 

You whirled around, and she was dead, and Anakin’s silence was suddenly all you could hear. The world was turning red around the both of you as he felt the grief of his mother’s death for a second time, and his eyes lifted to yours. 

“Anakin,” you breathed, knowing nothing else to say. His grief hardened into anger, but he gently closed her eyes and held her close. You didn’t know what to do. Panic hit you hard as his anger curdled into rage, and his eyes lifted. 

“Anakin, we need to take her home,” you said, hoping to deflect his focus. He didn’t listen. 

As he lowered her gently to the floor so that he could stand, you tried to move into his way, and successfully you cupped his face, catching his eyes for just a moment. In them, you didn’t see the anger you felt from him. In them, you saw so much sadness. 

And so you let him go. 

It wasn’t the Jedi way, you knew that. And you wished you could will yourself to move, to stop him, because the pain that his actions would cause would haunt him, possibly for the rest of his life. But it felt as though he needed this, as though it was the only thing that would sate his soul. So you breathed mantras, and did your best to combat his anger with peace, thinking that it might invade him. 

And when the Tusken Raiders had all given their last breaths to Anakin Skywalker, you went to him. 

He collapsed to his knees under his own weight, no longer grieving but feeling a consuming emptiness. You had to force yourself to block it out as you ran to him, and pulled him against you. Never before had you felt someone who needed a hug so bad, and only then did he begin to break, knotting his fingers into the robes at your back. He buried his face, but did not cry, and you stayed as long as he needed you to. 

You drove home. He held his mother, behind you, cradling her like she had once held him. You rode through sunrise, back to Cliegg’s home, where quickly you were met by Owen, Padme, Cliegg, Beru. You dismounted quickly and retreated, knowing that this was Anakin’s moment, and his alone. His anger had returned, but it didn’t feel so sharp anymore- it was anger and sadness and frustration, and it just felt to you like pain. Incredible pain. 

You stayed in the room with him, wherever he went, continuing the strategy you’d had back at the camp. You held peace in your chest, and hoped that he could feel it the way you felt his pain. You hoped it would calm him. His pain did not fade, but it did dull, and for a while as he tinkered with the shifter, it felt as though maybe the anger had drained from his body. 

Padme entered with two meals, and she handed one to you before approaching Anakin, her footsteps light, but her presence noticeable. 

“I brought you something,” she said over his shoulder, and when he didn’t respond, she moved around to his front. “Are you hungry?”

“The shifter broke,” he told her, and if it wouldn’t have taken from your concentration you would’ve chuckled. He avoided the question- you knew he hadn’t eaten in at least a day. “Life seems so much simpler when you’re fixing things.” You would give anything to have back the boy you’d trained with on Corellia. So heavy Anakin felt now, with everything that had happened. You wished you could give him back the peace he had once felt. Padme looked to you briefly as she moved to set down the tray near Anakin, and you nodded. You’d get him to eat eventually. 

“I’m good at fixing things,” Anakin continued, “always was.” Padme turned back to him slowly, the both of you noticing the waver in his voice. “But I couldn’t...” he trailed off, putting down his tools. “Why’d she have to die? Why couldn’t I save her?” You sat up, more toward your feet, ready to approach him if you felt the need. He was getting ramped up again, but the jagged edges of his grief this time was less anger and more blame. Blame on the Tuskens, blame on himself. “I know I could have!” He turned from Padme and for the briefest of moments his eyes met yours, but he moved forward, away from both of you.

“Sometimes there are things no one can fix,” Padme said softly, and you kept your breathing steady to combat his erratic emotion. “You’re not all powerful, Ani.” 

“Well, I should be,” he said, giving her words no time to hang in the air. 

“Anakin,” you said, showing disapproval of such a thought, and for the first time wished Obi-Wan was there. 

“Someday I will be,” he insisted. “I will be the most powerful Jedi ever.” He turned to face you and Padme again, tears glistening on his face but his expression angry. You didn’t know what to say, even when he levied his gaze toward you. 

“I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying.” 

“Anakin,” it was Padme’s turn to say, and what he said next shook you to your core.

“It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault!” he shouted, “He’s jealous! He’s holding me back!” Anakin launched whatever he’d picked up across the room, and it clattered quietly before coming to rest. 

“You know that’s not true,” you said, quickly rising to your feet. You took a step closer to Anakin as he turned away, but did not get too near. 

“I know,” he conceded under his breath. Padme sensed what was really going on.

“What’s wrong, Ani?’ She asked, and finally you realized what was truly causing his pain, in this moment. He was looking at his hands as he stuttered the beginning of a sentence, the hands that had killed so many. 

The peace in your body faltered- if you had stopped him, he wouldn’t be grieving nearly so much now. It was your fault.

“I killed them,” he explained, “I killed them all. They’re dead- every single one of them.” He turned to Padme with rage at himself and the raiders twitching his lips, tears still falling from his eyes. “And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. They’re like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals!” You lowered your head, trying to push away your own guilt so that you could be there for him. His pain, you knew, was greater than yours. 

“I hate them!” 

Hate leads to suffering. 

As Anakin sank to the floor, you and Padme sat to flank his sides. You were his best friend, closer to him than anyone else in the world, and so you leaned against his side while Padme offered her words. 

“To be angry is to be human.” 

“I’m a Jedi,” Anakin insisted, “I know I’m better than this.”

“Most Jedi never know their parents,” you said softly, “and never form attachments. There is no one in a Jedi’s life who matters as much as your mother does to you. I’m sure you’re taking this with more grace than Master Windu would have.” Anakin didn’t laugh, but he did quiet, almost as though he believed you. Slowly you found the hand he held beside his knee, and gathered it into yours. 

Padme leaned forward and gave him the best hug she could from the side, but then left Anakin alone with you. 

She’s a good person, like that. 

“Anakin, I’ve known you for a long time,” you started quietly, “and all of that time I’ve known you to be a kind man. A compassionate man. Quick to anger, yes, but not to judgement. They earned your rage, and that’s okay. It does not outweigh all of the good you’ve done in your life.” His grip tightened on your hand, still his breathing erratic, but once again the jagged edges of his mind began to soften. You let silence drift into the room for a moment as he slowly evened. 

“She was beautiful,” you said, laying your head down onto his shoulder. He nodded, and slowly, there grew the beginning of a smile on his face. “And she won’t be forgotten.” 

-🦌 Roe

[rebelwrites]

Part Ten

A/N okay my heart was racing writing this, shits hit the fan.

Warnings ⚠️: blood, fighting, assult

Join The TagList Here 💜 // Can You Hear Me Now Masterlist

“Dad” you said placing your hand on Tig’s back trying to get him to unpin them poor prospect from the wall “let him go”

“Anything happens to my baby I will kill you myself” Tig spat at the prospect.

“Understood” Jamie nodded as Tig removed his arm from his throat.

Rolling your eyes at him, he was even more protective with everything that was going on.

“Now doll you have a good day” Tig smiled pulling you into a tight hug. “I’m only at the end of the phone if you need me”

“It’s gonna be a good day” you smiled looking up at him “I’m ditching the name Ryan today and will officially be a Trager”

“Doll you have always been a Trager” Tig smiled “but I’m so happy you are getting it officially”

“I love you dad” you said as he kissed the top of your head.

“I love you too doll”

You hated being a passenger especially in your own car.

“Can we make a stop to get coffee?” You asked, leaning your head against the window of the car.

“Yeah whatever” Jamie said as he kept his eyes focused on his phone.

Out of all the prospects you didn’t like Jamie, there was something about him that made you feel uneasy.

Something was off, this wasn’t the way to the coffee shop. Looking around you saw that you were on the outskirts of charming as Jamie parked the car.

“Get out bitch” he spat.

“What are we doing here?” You asked.

“You never listen, you never take anything serious” he laughed “but after today you should. Now get out of the car and leave your phone on the seat”

Slowly you climbed out of the car, your hand feeling for your knife through the lining of your leather jacket. As you were looking around two figures approached.

“Told you that your time would come bitch” Craig laughed as Mandi stood behind him.

Just being in his presence made you feel how you felt years ago, small and worthless.

“Awww you suddenly don’t have anything to say” Mandi laughed.

“Still a little bitch” Craig smirked as his hand wrapped around your throat squeezing the air of your lungs.

This was the end. There was no one else around to help.

“It’s ironic really” he said “this is the same place I strangled and shot your brother because he knew too much about who your father was”

“Please stop” you said as best you could.

“Begging won’t help slut” he laughed as his fist connected with your face busting your lip, the metallic taste of blood filling your mouth. “I will make you suffer before shooting you”

Tears were streaming down your cheeks as he tossed you on the floor, beating the shit out of you whilst your “mum” watched. You let him beat you, letting the pain be your fuel. And it meant that you could get by on self defence.

“Daddy isn’t gonna save you now” Craig snarled “he didn’t come for you before and he isn’t coming now”

Screaming as you felt his foot hit your ribs, you knew by the pain and the crack that he had just broken one of your ribs. You watched through your clouded vision as he walked away laughing; this was your chance. You squeezed your eyes closed letting the monsters you had kept at bay rise to the surface, you needed to let the memories replay in your mind no matter how painful so you could free your mind. Pushing yourself onto your feet you ignored the pain you felt as you wrapped your fingers around your knife.

“Tell me when you kicked me did you ever think that I would get up?” You hissed making them both turn around.

“You think you are getting out alive?” Craig laughed stepping close to you.

“Yeah I do” you said as you punched him in the jaw.

Punch after punch, you were fueled by adrenaline now, the pain long forgotten.

“For years you made me feel worthless” you spat “made me feel unloved, you broke me down every chance you go and I’m fucking done, I’m taking my life back. I have never been a Ryan I have always been a fucking Trager”

Pulling your knife out you looked over to your “mum”.

“I tried to tell you so many times what he was doing to me” you screamed “but you never listened and brushed me off”

“Y/N” she said, panic evident in her voice.

“And you, you killed the only person to care about me, the one person that snuck me food when you didn’t feed me, the one person that kept me going” you spat at Craig.

“You haven’t got the balls” he half laughed.

“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!!!” You screamed at the top of your lungs as you plunged your knife into his neck hitting the artery. “This is my life and I’m taking it fucking back, the girl you once knew is dead”

Pulling your knife out of his neck you watched the light go out in his eyes. That’s when realisation hit. You just killed someone.

You ran as best as you could to your car, tossing the knife onto the passenger seat. You didn’t bother about putting your seatbelt on you just needed to get back to the compound.

You had no idea how you managed to drive back home but you were back. The Adrenalin was wearing off and the pain was getting unbearable as you hobbled into the building. Looking around all eyes were on you as you pushed through the crowd.

Reaching the doors to church you heard everyone’s voices, taking a deep breath as you pushed the door open not even knocking.

Jax was the first person to lay his eyes on you, the moment he saw you covered in blood he kicked his chair back and ran to your side.

“Shit darlin’ are you okay?” He panicked.

“Not my blood” you said as you felt the room spin before your vision went black and you collapsed in Jax’s arms.

SOA TAGLIST

@chibsytelford @talicat713 @corebore123 @nothingeverdies @teapartydreams @mrspeacem1nusone @khyharah @itmejado @beth-winchester21 @rocketqueen @auroraariza @trulysuccubus @haynsey @witching-hour @destynelseclipsa @edonaspanca @abbiesthings @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @jadesamhart @lady-pswrld @ly--canthrope @hennessyauntie @gemini0410 @i-love-scott-mccall @est11 @mystic-shadows42 @sugary-x-sweet @starrynite7114 @skyofficialxx @terminallygenius @lauraashley93 @leaalfred @angelreyesgirl89 @sheeshgivemeabreak @marquelapage @meteora-fc @penny4yourthot @justahopelessssromantic @ilikechocolatemilkh @mayans-sauce @xbreezymeadowsx @ben-c-group-therapy @-im-fantastic- @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @milaxmariex @cubblycie @little-diable @hotdamnhunnam @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead

[flowerflamestars]

Darlingg, (can I call you that? I'll stop if you don't want me to) have you seen the latest sneak peak? With Eris and all? I crave your thoughts on the sneak peak and I honestly have no idea what to think about it

Hi!! I have, and let me say, my feelings are mixed.

You know that sound, when you’re in a coffeeshop, and the espresso machine expunges steam? Like a muted, nicer, kettle shriek? That’s the noise my brain made seeing the sneak peek.

List, because it sparked a whole wildfire:

1. Nesta glowing!! Nesta dancing! Nesta, who conquered Death! Just the implication that she’s okay, that she’s feeling strong again? Hope, reignited. 

2. Cassian on the sidelines actually makes me...very happy? I want them together eventually, but the fact he’s just watching? So good. So, deserved? He can’t go from creepily following her, telling her she’s unlovable, being complicit in her banishment to Partner. He’s got to earn it, and frankly? I hope it aches.

3. Autumn. When the cover came out there was that whole, orange = autumn court thing? The other covers in that style aren’t super plot indicative, but it did seem weird that it wasn’t red.  Repeatedly, red is Cassian’s color. (Hello, love triangle Morrigan wearing nothing but the color of his siphons and power, never, ever Azriel’s blue or black). 

Nesta sticks to cool colors: purple (feeling strong as a mortal, going toe to toe with Cas), blue, black (severe and powerful against the high lords), flat grey (in the depths of misery), silver (for her power).

SJM does use consistent color for character cues in acotar so it seems...off? Interesting, at least. 

Which, just to divert into setting, are they in Autumn in this scene?? Are we somehow going to go from banishment > fight/healing > Nesta, being the actual Night Court emissary after they threw her away?

The plot is not what I thought, and that is both intriguing and confounding. But yes! Nesta finally...doing a thing? hopefully of her own volition? Devouring the moon? Gimme, that’s the Nesta that was always there, finally out.

4. Eris. 

Okay, so before I even talk about how I..don’t really care for this character, let’s recall what is actually canon, about Eris: 

He was engaged to Morrigan. They...I think, never met before that? Mor tried to escape the betrothal by sleeping with Cassian, invoking the ire of her family who brutally tortured her and left her for dead with a note NAILED to her body on Autumn land.

From canon, with specificity that I think implies some kind of understood rules between Courts: Eris did not touch her. 

We seem to be meant to understand that if he had, he would have been forced to take her in, to bring her into the Autumn Court. He doesn’t do that- which is perhaps both a single moment of kindness that kept them both from being trapped and, conversely, QUITE LITERALLY, leaving her for dead.

He was aware of, if not directly involved in, the death of Lucien’s lowborn lover. There’s some handwavy detail stuff over who did the the murdering, but Lucien seems to hate him for it and the feeling is definitely mutual. We don’t know what he actually did.

He wants Beron’s throne. He’s not??? Heir?? (there seems to be some sense that since Lucien was the most powerful it was feared he’d inherit because Lordship = magical destiny) But he also seems fairly sure that with proper allies and Beron dead he could seize control? We don’t know enough for this to make sense.

What we DO know is that he hates his father. Sound familiar? 

He’s on his second round of alliances with Keir, and now assured by Rhys, to come after Beron. (Which makes the Morrigan marriage thing even more suspect. If shes ‘the most powerful of her bloodline’ how does marrying her out benefit Keir? If Eris just wanted her power, why did he reject the marriage? My nascent theory is switchroo? Keir helps Eris take Autumn, Autumn helps Keir reclaim Night for his bloodline. Mutual heirs inherit two newly crowned kingdoms...so again, WHY did Eris not want Mor?)

He’s a bastard, a villain, a fucking rat...and we actually know nothing about him. HMMM?

He’s the monster in Morrigans nightmares. Because she saw him, when he found in the forest, and watched him leave? Because marrying him meant, in a very real way, doom? He makes it easy: he’s rude as hell to her, and clearly despises her right back for ??? reasons.

It would have been SO SO easy to leave him there, the monstrous asshole son of a particularly monstrous, hated High Lord. 

But the books keep bringing him back. Rhys is willing to make deals with him. Our entire main cast is now tied in with an Autumn coup in the making. 

Why?

Because sjm loves nothing more than taking a bad, bad man, and cracking him open like a walnut to say: look, I’m a monster. I know I’m a monster. But I did it to survive. For love. For a just cause. Because a greater power made me and I wanted to live.

And it’s echoed by a female character going: no, you are, but I see you.

And wiping it all away, even if the bad actions continue, because it was a Mask. A Game. See: Rhysand. Tamlins shitty forgiveness plotline. Az and Cassian’s Court of Nightmares cosplay. 

And Eris just...is not the character I’d have ever picked for redemption? (Or fucking Tamlin, for that matter) Because a weird thing happens where male asshole characters are Redeemed Through the Gaze of Love feat. inappropriate flirting and female characters who aren’t nice (not even villians! just, you know, not nice), need to apologize. To change.

Yes, I’m talking about Nesta. Because this is her book!

It’s a wildcard, but retrospectively, it’s set up in the text? Not my fav. At all. 

When we all said hey, wouldn’t it be really, really good if Nesta had a friend separate from the IC, maybe from another court? We did not mean the catchall IC boogeymen everyone maybe? justifiably wants dead. 

5. Canon outside canon. Sjm has been previously, totally open with the fact that in the original/early drafts, Nesta was actually meant for Lucien. See: the fire on her drawer. She’s always been interested in an Autumn matchup for Nesta.

We know that the villain of Nesta’s story is the Queens. 

Does Eris come in because of Lucien, who is spending all his time, hey, with one of the only Queens who isn’t evil? Does Nesta get dragged into the coup? Does Nesta involve herself in the coup because there was some question as to whether Beron might have been colluding with Hybern + ish the Mortal Queens?

6. Guys, I love a ball scene. I love this simple show of power and grace- does Nesta trust Eris or does Nesta simply, finally, trust herself? Either way, she’s killing it, and it is FUCKING CASSIAN UP. This who we always knew existed- Nesta who can play the game. Who can do the courtly bullshit, even if she has no time for it. Who is beautiful and powerful, and I hope, wearing the Most Incredible Dress. (I hope it isn’t red).

The more I think about it, the more these Nesta, Eris lines in the text revoltingly add up? Ugh. The Older Vilified Sibling who was doing their one Rebellion Against the Shitty Parent, misconstrued. Team: wow, Mor Hates Us, huh?. Team: You don’t know me, or what I’ve done. Everything We Did in War retroactively Doesn’t Matter Because We’re Assholes. Fire and Brimstone. Maybe we were fucking trapped and You Don’t Get to Judge the Escape.

Cool cool cool, I kind of hate that. Please let it be a spite dance.

In sum: the snippet both wildly renewed my interest and also I keep going ERIS?? ERIS?, but maybe it won’t be as bad as it seems. It is, after all, a very short little section and it proved at least once thing: Nesta’s going to be strong again, seemingly healthy again, and that’s all I wanted. 

p.s. (Darling is the nicest, of course you can. I call everyone kind of any iteration of ‘lovely’ or babe’, but if that ever makes you uncomfy let me know!)

[dreadwulf]

*sigh* Okay, I just had to write this all out to get it off my chest and hopefully get over it and move on.

People tell me I look just like Brienne of Tarth. I’m tall, blonde, broad-shouldered, and homely. I get mistaken for a man, even when I have long hair that goes all down my back, even wearing a dress. I’ve gotten used to it.

My earliest memory of school is lying on the ground while a crowd of boys are kicking and hitting me, because I was an ugly freak. Girls grow earlier than boys do, you see. I was the tallest kid in my elementary, and I was hated for it. I endured constant abuse. When I got a little bit older, and I was almost 6 feet tall when I was 12, the abuse mostly turned away from being physical and into emotional and psychological. Girls followed me into the bathroom, laughing at how my clothes didn’t fit, how awkward I was, how masculine. Boys no longer hit me, just ignored or ridiculed me. Because it was the 80s I heard constant references to the East German olympic team, how I looked like a member. I didn’t understand the references at the time, but I knew it was yet another reference to how I didn’t measure up as a woman. Much later I learned about how those women were dosed with testosterone by the government against their will - a terrible story that the people around me regarded as a joke.  There’s nothing funnier than a manish woman, apparently.

When I was young I was undatable, never considered an option to anyone. I never kissed anyone until I was in my twenties, and was a virgin until I was 25. It’s bizarre when I look back now at photos of myself, because I’m expecting a hideous monster, and all I see is an ordinary girl - a little taller, broad-shouldered and plain, not pretty, but ordinary. But it all got into my head, you see. Inside I still feel like a freak. Undesireable. Unloved.

I started watching Game of Thrones from the first episode (mainly because I’m a big fan of Peter Dinklage!), and I was intrigued. Intrigued, but not obsessed, not yet. I’m a grown woman and I don’t have time for that sort of thing. But the first time Brienne of Tarth took off her helmet onscreen and I saw her face, I literally pointed at the screen and said out loud, “that’s me!”

Never in my life have I reacted that way before. Never before, and never since.

Granted, the actress who plays her is a great beauty, but the character of Brienne I latched onto instantly and felt a deep kinship with, especially after reading her story in the books. How as a child she was a girl very much like Sansa, who loved songs and romance and dancing and other girlish things, but the adults around her told her she was too ugly. Her septa told her no one would ever love or want her. She was shamed for wearing dresses and trying to be feminine, was told she was embarassing herself because her body was not womanly enough. She was made to feel like a failure just for existing, for being umarriagable, for causing the end of her house by being so ugly that no one wanted her. But instead of just crumbling and disappearing, Brienne of Tarth took up a sword and decided to make something else of herself. She wanted to help people, she wanted to contribute something to the world, and she decided to find a good lord and serve them as a knight. Brienne is brave and caring and defends the weak and wants to protect the people she loves. Brienne is a hero. She is a hero while not being tiny and delicate and pretty but large, sturdy, and ugly. In that she is completely unique, and completely wonderful.

A lot of old wounds opened up, watching that story and reading A Feast For Crows. Old issues I thought I was over all came back up. I identified powerfully with having your femininity stolen from you because your body is different, with being abused for not being woman enough, and with longing for love in a world that hates you. I remembered being hated, constantly and visciously hated, just for existing. I relived the bone-deep belief that I would spend my entire life alone, because no one would ever want me, a belief that was constantly validated by the actual people around me. I became painfully aware of the sense that I still have to this day of being constantly too big, too loud, too much, that has me slouching and shrinking and taking up less space and whispering timidly and the effect that those things have had on my life and career to this day.

And watching Brienne’s story, I saw how someone can endure the same things I did, and keep trying. Can keep struggling to succeed, and even fall in love. That was the most amazing thing of all, you see. This woman on television who looked like me, she was a love interest! She had her own romantic storyline! I could hardly believe it at first. I watched through my fingers trying to talk myself out of hoping. Because this never happens - an ugly woman, a masculine woman, is never desirable in fiction, never important enough to the story to be a love interest, and never worthy of romance. Yet here it was, it was happening right in front of my eyes.

Her love story with Jaime Lannister was a competely unique thing on television. An ugly woman with a beautiful man. A bond of deep respect and admiration, with undeniable sexual tension. Here were two people who can understand each other because they have both been hated for reasons beyond their control, who sought refuge in honor and knighthood and were loathed for it. Brienne understood how hatred can warp a person, make them someone they never meant to be, just the way she herself had been made to harden and close off to the world. She saw the person that Jaime might have been, if things had gone differently, and the man he could still become. Jaime for his part saw worth in her when everyone around him called her ridiculous, even though she was his enemy. He still knew that she was more deserving than any knight in Westeros, and believed in her when no one else in the world did. He gave her a sword and a quest and even a squire, lost his hand defending her, and he put his own life on the line to save hers.

Jaime openly adored her, looked at her like she was the most wonderful thing in the world, and I have never seen anything like that. A woman who looks like me, being looked at like that. Do you know what that felt like for me? Can you imagine it?

This story meant a lot to me, is what I’m saying. It was healing for me. I believed in that story, and I expected that even if there wouldn’t be a happy ending, at least there would be that respect for the character, and that she would be taken seriously by the narrative and her story would be completed in some fashion.

And then they aired Season 8.

In season 8 we learn that not only did the show never bother to adapt her storylines from the books, where she is slated to face Lady Stoneheart and the Brotherhood Without Banners, they gave her no story in replacement. She has no material impact on the storyline of the show, she simply doesn’t matter in any way. The only major storyline they kept from the books was her romance with Jaime Lannister, and in Season 8 they destroy that story in the cruelest possible way.

After emphasizing that Brienne is an adult virgin, they give her one scene with what we thought was her love interest, where they share one kiss. One. Onscreen within seconds of Brienne being naked Jaime looks dissatisfied and unhappy, and in the same episode, leaves her to go back to his traditionally beautiful ex. Leaves her crying and pleading with him to stay. And then her story ends, except for a brief bookend where she writes an entry in the White Book showing she still loved him, even though he abandoned and betrayed her in the worst way possible.

Right now I’d really like to know if anyone involved with this show ever gave a moment’s thought to what it would be like to watch that happen. After years of patiently waiting to get the love story we were promised for five seasons, instead, to humiliate and punish Brienne for daring to think she deserved love. Did anyone ever consider what that would feel like for women like me? If they did think about it, I hope they enjoyed the hurt they caused me, because the way this story played out felt outright malicious and hateful. They could have given me one tender moment, one declaration of love or affection, just to know what it would look like to see that onscreen for a woman like me. Instead they deliberately withheld that. And then went out of their way to invalidate absolutely everything about the storyline we had been watching, as if it had never happened, as if we had imagined it all, and been foolish to believe in it in the first place.

Yes, I know, it’s only a story, but stories matter. We wouldn’t put nearly the effort and investment into them that we do as a culture if they didn’t. My story has never mattered before, and it meant something to me over the last 8 years that someone was telling it. So was this ending intended as a deliberate slap in my face, or was that collateral damage that the show simply did not care about?

The messages sent by our media are sometimes unintentional, but they are usually given at least some consideration. So I wonder what sort of message was trying to be sent by giving the gender non-comforming woman who dared to open her heart an immediate rejection, and have her then swear to serve a celibate organization for the rest of her life? Giving up her inheritance, her island, her own sworn vows to Sansa, and everything else she cared about? Am I meant to regard this as a happy ending, I wonder? Her feelings and dreams don’t matter, but hey, she has a position in the small council, so Girl Power! Was there a single woman anywhere involved in this production who might have pointed out how awful this is?

I understand that what’s done is done and there’s no fixing this, and complaining about it is pointless. But what I really want, what I wish for, is for somebody to confirm that at least at some point this was a love story, and that for whatever reason, network interference or showrunner decision or whatever it was, it was changed at the last minute. Just tell me that at some point the intent was real. To know that would be helpful. Because right now I feel like a stupid chump for ever believing that anybody wanted a woman like me to have a love story, and you cannot imagine how much that hurts.

[devnicolee]

Snowfall (9)

A/N: Well this took forever and had to be split into two chapters lol But it starts off right where Chapter 8 ends. Enjoy! 

Word Count: 10,910

Warning: Angst, Violence 

The only sound filling the room was the reverberations of the heavy door slamming closed, silence and shock gripping all the occupants. M’Baku blinked a few times, his mind trying to sort through all the feelings swirling around in his body: anger, frustration, hurt, confusion. He wondered how he missed all the signs of his plan going awry, all the red flags along the way that told him this experiment would eventually end and explode in his face. But he did ignore them, somehow, blinded by his pursuit of justice, adding more wreckage to the destruction already filling their lives. His large hands rounded into fists by his side before he threw himself into the nearest chair, letting out a deep and exasperated groan before his head fell into his hands.

"You can go ahead and say it. You all warned me she would find out," M’Baku fumed.

"Yes, well everyone did tell you so... multiple times," Shuri admonished from her seat across the table, ignoring the side eye she received from everyone else.

"Maybe you should go talk with her. Actually talk to her. I have never seen either of you speak to the other like that. It has been a difficult time for both of you and you need to talk… about everything," N’Danna offered, pained to know he contributed in anyway to the mountain of hurt weighing his sister down.

"She hasn’t wanted to. And after that?" he gestured toward the door. "She certainly is not going to want to discuss anything with me now," M’Baku sulked.

"Has she not wanted to or have you not been available?" N’Danna countered. He understood M’Baku’s fears of looking weak and feeling like a failure, for they were his own too. But he did not agree with this secret on day one and that had not changed. "We have spent every free, conscious moment searching for him. Even my wife has noticed my absence. Imagine how Zarah feels on top of the pain that she is not clearly not dealing with? And while we have been so obsessed with finding him, we have ignored the fact that she has not adequately confronted her own pain."

"Funny, I do not recall you expressing those sentiments throughout the last month when you were obsessing over finding him to end your father's criticisms of your military strategy! You were just as invested in this as I, just as distracted! I am not interested in listening to you assert some moral high ground over me, N’Danna!" M’Baku shot back, anger propelling him from his seat.

N’Danna scoffed, "Because you take criticism so well right M’Baku? You would not have listened if I tried!"

M’Baku took a menacing step toward his General and best friend before T’Challa inserted himself in the middle of them.

"Enough men! Enough. M’Baku messed up but I do not think he needs any of us to remind him of that. He is well aware. If you do not have something constructive to offer him then do not bother."

N’Danna took a step back, hands raised in surrender. M’Baku mimicked him and returned to his seat.

After allowing tempers to cool for a brief moment, Nakia got up and headed toward the door, motioning for Shuri to join her. "We will go check on her," she said over her shoulder before sparing the chief a sympathetic glance and exiting.  

The men sat there as they waited for M’Baku to say something. After a few moments of awkward silence, M’Baku muttered quickly that he needed to return to his chambers before storming out, leaving his King and General alone.

M’Baku sulked alone back to his quarters, surprised to see that Jahari was not stationed outside, which let him know his wife was not there.

Probably for the best, he thought to himself. If they spoke now, there was sure to just be more yelling and anger. And he should have known that ordering her to her room like a child was not going to give him the results he desired. He understood her anger, now that his own frustrations had cooled. He deserved it, all of it and he was aware of that fact. He did not understand how actions with good intentions spiral out of control so quickly.

Were they good intentions though? His conscious asked him as he settled into bed, resisting the natural urge to call Zarah and figure out where she was.

He called back to that initial moment, in this bed, when faced with his bruised, broken and fragile wife that he chose to lie. He would like to say he did so out of concern for her mental health, concern for her healing process. But that would to be a lie. He did not tell her the truth in that moment because he did not want to admit he failed her again. And every moment after that, every lie told about where he was, what he was doing, why they were postponing the trials were in service of preserving the bit of his pride Davu had not siphoned off, not her soul.

Justice demanded Davu’s broken body at the bottom of a cliff, she deserved… the Jabari deserved to watch his body fall from that cliff. And the fact that he could not deliver such justice to the woman who deserved it the most ate him alive. His quest to achieve it was all-consuming and left little space to focus on anything else. But now he was quickly understanding the consequences of such tunnel vision, of his own hubris.

 You let me believe this was over… that he was gone. And then to maintain this lie, you let me think that I was crazy and damaged. That I had done something to push you away.

Zarah deserved justice, yes. But she also deserved his love, his attention, his commitment to his vow that his love would never waver, would never be conditional. And in his search for personal validation, he failed to be the man she needed. He made her feel broken and unloved, things of which she was neither. N’Danna was right: he had pushed her away.

As much as her words stung, they ripped his head out of the sand he had been stuck in for the last month. He finally saw it, the damage left behind, the damage only compounded by his actions. But now, he did not see a way to fix it.

****

Tears clouded Zarah’s eyes as she tried to complete the work in front of her. It was futile, her mind still stuck in her argument a few minutes prior. She swallowed back her tears, the best she could. If she would not allow herself to cry over Davu, she certainly was not going to shed them over her lying husband. She was not even sure why she came down to the lab in the first place, likely just to spite her husband who ordered her to her room as if she was a petulant child.

The raging rapids of her anger had dwindled to a quiet stream, still present but quiet enough for her to see her own failings. She overstepped, said things she did not truly mean or, at least, knew were not fair. She did remember a moment or two of doubt in the compound, her cries for him that went unanswered and her disheveled mind could not understand why. It was not fair then and it certainly was not fair to throw it back in his face as she had. Save his existence as chief, a birthright he could not control, M’Baku could not shoulder any of the blame for what happened. He could not foresee a madman’s nonsensical plan to kidnap his wife, nor conjure up evidence where evidence did not exist. He searched for her for days nonstop. He did his best, all he ever did, and she recognized she was wrong for insinuating that he failed her.

But still, as she sat sulking and trying to override her urge to break down in tears, she was angry at him… at her brother… at everyone who thought she did not deserve the truth.

Strange as it sounded, the content of the lie itself commanded the least of her energy. Yes, it was terrifying to know the monster that haunted her was still free. However, she had not felt safe since she returned so did this new information actually change anything? It merely confirmed her anxiety and suspicions. She felt as unsafe now as she did before Adisa led her to the truth. Little changed.

It was the principle of it and her own anger at herself that filled her with dismay and frustration, the glaring truth that slapped her in the face. Cheating or not, she had pushed him away.

Before this ordeal, her husband would not have thought to lie to her. He was honest and forthcoming. However, now, he did not hesitate to lie, to hide the truth from her and go to great lengths to do so. Because he finally saw what her parents saw, what others saw: her weakness, glaring him in the face every time he looked at her.

He claimed to love all the things that made her who she was: her empathy, compassion and heart. She was no great warrior, she could not charge into battle beside him, but M’Baku made it abundantly clear that he did not desire that from her. But now it was clear that his love had limits. Emotional was fine until she woke him and half the Lodge night after night with her screams and sobs. Not being a warrior was fine until he realized she did nothing to save or protect herself, that she simply gave up on her people… on him. The woman she was before was fine until he realized that woman was incapable of healing and moving forward. The harsh and unforgiving winds from this storm knocked the rose-colored glasses clean off her husband’s face and stripped away her finery. And Zarah knew what he saw now, what was left behind, were all the things he would not want in a chieftess.

And there is no one to blame that on but yourself. You did not try to fight back, you did not escape. And when you got home, you wallowed in self-pity for days. What warriors do that?

Would he have ever needed to lie if she had been better, stronger? If she had fought back and saved herself instead of waiting for him to do so? If she had acted like a true chieftess and not some scared little girl? Likely not, she recognized. There were so many moments, so many opportunities, were she could have changed the course of this ship headed toward the jagged edges of destruction if she had tried harder... but she hadn't.

Had you been stronger, those men would not have been able to take you in the first place. Instead you relied on your guards instead of taking matters into your own hands. Had you actually used some of that training your father wasted his time teaching you, maybe he would not have had a chance to beat you or poison you. Had you not wallowed on the floor of a damn cave for two days, you could have found your own way out instead of waiting on your brother and husband to do all the work. 

She could be angry at M'Baku for lying but she knew that while he may have caused the explosion, she made and provided the dynamite.

And she knew that this was merely a sign of the future to come now that he saw her for what she truly was.

"That is why we are here as husband and wife, as partners - to support and uplift each other always." Her mind called back to that day, a week after their marriage, when he assured her that this union would always be there to lean on in difficult moments. Hanuman threw a difficult moment at them, the most difficult he could conjure up, and M’Baku did not lean on her. When given the choice to share an uncomfortable truth with her or go at it alone, he chose to go at it alone because he did not believe she was strong enough or stable enough to handle it. What future could be built if that was how he saw her? What life could they have if he lost faith in her abilities?

He no longer trusts you, because you are powerless and fragile. That is all you have ever been. And he has no use for someone like that.

"Zarah…" she heard a young woman’s voice call. She hastily wiped the tears and their tracks from her face, blocked out her own thoughts of self-loathing and snatched her pencil back up to give the appearance that she was working before they came into view.

"What are you doing down here? I figured you would be finishing your meeting… my husband actually confides in you," she chuckled, trying and failing to minimize the bitterness in her voice.

"They aren’t talking about anything important… We thought you would like some company. I am sorry we kept that from you," Nakia offered. 

"It was not your lie… it was his. His choice to start and his choice to maintain. Do not apologize."

"Still… it was wrong and we are sorry for our role in it. You deserve a say in all of it. You spent the most time with Davu, you know him better than any of us."

"It’s fine… I don’t know as much as I think. I still don’t remember most of it. M’Baku knew I was useless," she said.

"Do not say that. M’Baku certainly does not think you are useless. He says you have the brightest mind in all of Wakanda… and the only person who might disagree with him, selfishly, is this one," she laughed, gesturing toward Shuri.

Zarah returned her laugh with a small smile and chuckle, amusement that did not quite reach her eyes. A silence fell over the group of women as her eyes fell back to her desk. She tossed her pencil back down on the desk and stared around the lab. "You know I used to feel so at home here? It didn’t matter what anyone said or if they didn’t understand why it mattered, this was the one thing I knew I was good at," she whispered, gesturing at the blueprints. "When I wasn’t sure what to do as chieftess or as a wife, I would come down here and just work, experiment, draw up new plans, think of ways to improve this place and all my problems would just disappear for a moment. For a moment, I wasn’t unsure, I wasn’t weak. I was strong, confident, assured." The small ray of hope and light that glimmered in her eyes as she talked about the past, the uncomplicated and simple past, diminished as quickly as it sparked. "I have been trying to recreate that feeling since I got back. The first two weeks when I got back, I could barely understand the blueprints in front of me. I came down here to escape, to feel less broken again and I could not even do my job. I come down here day after day hoping to be all those things and day after day, I fall short. If I couldn’t find it anywhere else, at least, this and M’Baku felt like home. But now? I don’t know. I do not recognize him or this anymore. It is like Davu seeped into the very being of everything that once brought me peace and turned it all into something I can’t understand."

Shuri nodded, plopping down in the chair across from Zarah, while Nakia perched on the desk next to hers. She was glad the woman was opening up, venting. She knew what it was like to keep feelings buried inside. "That’s how I felt after baba died. The palace didn’t even feel like home knowing he wouldn’t return anymore. I found myself making excuse after excuse to work late and not return because I could not deal with the memories. But eventually, I came back and it felt like home again, still different but home."

"No matter how hard it is… Everyone finds their way back home eventually, I suppose," Zarah mused. "You are lucky you got it back. I don’t know if I ever will."

"Don’t say that Zarah. I do not want to claim to know or understand what you are going through or what you and M’Baku are going through. But it seems to me that you can work through it if you both just talk to each other, maybe talk with a healer. I understand your anger, he left you out and that was not right. But his intentions were not to hurt you, he was trying to protect you." 

"Can a healer fix that he doesn’t trust me? Fix that he believes I am damaged? That’s how I have always been and he is finally realizing he cannot live with that. I don’t know if anyone can fix that."

Nakia and Shuri shared an unsure glance as they sat through another round of silence, neither knowing what to say or do to offer any comfort to the young woman in front of them.

Zarah chuckled, head falling back against her chair, "Davu must love this. He is free while I am still captive, trapped in a cell of the destruction he caused. My home and marriage on the verge of collapse thanks to him, for reasons I still do not know. And I will never know or get any form of justice for it because we will never find him."

"He cannot run forever. And you know why, he wanted to overthrow the Jabari," Shuri inserted.

"There has to be more to it than that. There are a thousand ways to overthrow a chief or king that do not include torturing and poisoning its queen. Whatever he wanted, whatever message he sought to send, it goes beyond that damn wooden chair upstairs. But I suppose I will just have to learn to live with that question mark, as I live with the fragments of memories. I’m sitting here straddling the edge of losing everything I hold dear in this life while he is out there somewhere biding his time to rebuild his. Hanuman certainly does deals a shit hand," she muttered, repeating her friend from earlier in the evening.

"Rebuild what though?" Shuri asked.

"Hmm?" Zarah asked, too unfocused to fully take in the girl’s question.

Shuri sat up straighter, "Rebuild what? He lost most of his followers, he can’t go home, he can't restart here in Jabariland."

"Those dwellers we caught will have to be released at some point. M'Baku can't execute them all. I mean he could but he will not. My husband is many things, a butcher is not one of them. And you all know this by now but that group is what they are today because of Davu. He built them up so as long as he is free and life pumps through his veins, he isn’t abandoning all of that so easily. He will build it up again. The question is whether he will start somewhere fresh or return home."

"You think he will head back to the compound?" Nakia asked. "Your brother said they only have a few men stationed at the known entrances now. He could circle back, come in an entrance we don’t know about."

"Why wouldn’t he? He knows he can’t outrun search parties forever. I am shocked he was able to outrun them this long. A life on the run is not a life. He could probably guess we would focus our efforts everywhere else so why not hide in plain sight? And he is a former Jabari. M’Baku cannot use tribe resources to search for him forever. Davu must know that eventually M’Baku will have to give up. He is probably just praying that he can evade him and wait him out."

"Maybe. But who knows who long that could be. And short of going there yourself, there is no way to prove it. What are you going to do about M’Baku now?"

Zarah sighed, running her hand through her twists. "I don’t know. But nothing is getting solved with the two of us tonight. I think I will retire for the evening. Thank you my queen, princess. I will see you at the council meeting in the morning, yes?"

"Of course. Good night." They saluted each other before Zarah retreated to her chambers for the evening.

****

Zarah stared, unmoving, out of her window at the lights twinkling like stars throughout Gorilla City below the palace. They were slowly dwindling as the tribe began to retire for the evening. The bright lights branching out like veins were slowly dying out to give way to the total darkness of nighttime in the mountains. She had been in bed since she left her lab, too exhausted to entertain her guests or even eat dinner. M’Baku was surprised when his wife came back to their quarters, eyes still red and puffy, and did not utter a word to him. She moved through their room like a ghost as she prepared for bed and climbed in. 

He tried to prompt her, asked her to speak to him so he could apologize, asked if she would attend dinner but she pretended to be asleep, pretended not to hear him. There was not much to say in her mind. Her frustration and negativity coursed through her blood kept her alert and agitated. That frustration split between the man slumbering deeply beside her, the man responsible for all this ruination, and herself. The man who sought to destroy her and she still did not understand why. Her frustration built the longer she laid there, imagining him in that cave laughing at her, reveling in all the destruction he caused with the freedom and peace he stole from her.

Part of her thought about telling M’Baku of her idea that he was still in Jabariland, asking him to send men to search the caves again or at least station more men there. It nagged her, would not give her peace knowing that he could likely circle back there at some point and all their efforts were focused outside of Wakanda.

Whose idea was that anyway? She thought to herself. As if Davu would leave this country so easily? Leave and go where? Leave and do what? She may have hated him but at his core, deep down, Davu was still a Jabari, he would not abandon his home so easily.

"And short of going there yourself, there is no way to prove it." Shuri’s words oscillated through her head. Shuri had a point, she could not prove it. It was merely a hunch and one only based on her own musings, not actual facts.

Maybe you should, a small voice in the back of her head poked through the thick curtains of uncertainty and disarray.

Zarah shot up. Maybe she should. She was chieftess, she did not need to wait for permission to do anything. Despite how M’Baku treated her as of late, she had the same power and authority in these mountains as he. She was capable, she was strong. Besides, Davu did not start a war with M'Baku, he started one with her. Why should she rely on her husband or their forces to end it?

This is what everyone wants from you. This is what a warrior would do. This is how you can prove to everyone that you are a warrior, a true Jabari.

She could do this, she would do this. Part of her wanted to get up and go now but she knew if M’Baku woke to find her missing, it would start a lodge-wide panic. She laid back down, deciding it was best to bid her time and wait for an opening tomorrow while M’Baku was distracted with the visitors from Birnan Zana.

You will find a way, she assured herself before popping one of her sleeping pills into her mouth. And then you will end this.

****

"Are you still not speaking to me?" M’Baku asked as they entered their bedroom after a long day of meetings and entertaining the Wakandan Council.

"I have spoken to you all day, my lord. We have been together all day." She did not even look at him as she went into their closet to change out of her formal clothes and into more comfortable leggings and a sweater until dinner. She discreetly sent messages to Kasim, Nakia and Shuri to meet her in her labs as soon as they could while she walked. M’Baku trailed behind her, following her like a small child vying for her attention. His heart fell slightly as she started to pull one of his sweaters off the shelf before seemingly remembering she was angry at him and grabbing on her own.

"Sitting next to me in council meetings and pretending to be happy hardly counts as speaking to me. It is toleration for the sake of our guests, at best," he argued back, frustration starting to get the better of him. He messed up yes, but it did not warrant the silent treatment he was currently receiving.

Zarah sighed frustrated, leaning on the small island in the middle of their closet. "I really do not want to have this conversation right now. I would like to just like to use this afternoon to get some rest before I have to continue to entertain our guests. That is all I am good for now apparently… to play the role of a chieftess without any of the respect and authority it demands. So that is what I shall do. Now, please drop it."

"You know that is not true. You are not some prop on my arm, you never have been. I am sorry Zarah. I should not have kept that from you. But I will find him, I promise."

"The strength of your promises dwindles by the second. I do not want to hear them anymore. I mean... What do you want me to say M'Baku? You lied. You lied and it is clear you do not trust me anymore. I am not sure what conversation we can have about that, I am not sure how talking will fix that."

"That is not true! You know that is not true, he repeated. "I trust you with my life Zarah. And maybe that is the problem. We have not been talking and we should. Talk to me. Tell me how I can fix this, how I can help you."

"You DON’T trust me! I do not care what your words say because your actions say something completely different. And I don’t want your help! I don’t need your help! I am fine and the only problem I have right now is a husband who is dishonest and entitled for believing I am obligated to speak with him after he refused to do so with me. You did not want to speak with me and now I do not want to speak with you. I am going to the lab and I will be getting ready in a different room. I will see you at dinner."

Zarah pulled on a few more layers and her furs before exiting their room. As she walked toward her lab, she was thankful Kide did not try to follow her. She knew she did not have long before her husband sent another guard to find her and watch over her so she had to act fast.

****

"Zarah, why are you dressed like a fashionable spy in a bad American movie?" Shuri questioned jokingly when the four were gathered together, all slightly confused as to why she called this meeting of unlikely characters.

Zarah took a deep breath, "I need your help, all of your help. I am going to search the caves myself right now," she informed confidently. "I was hoping you may have some tech to spare so I am not going back there empty-handed."

From the reactions of those surrounding her, you would have thought Zarah’s head sprouted into three new ones. Kasim, in particular, wondered if he needed to call a healer because it was clear his chieftess had lost her mind. "My lady, you are the smartest person in this tribe but this might be the worst idea you've ever had," he said harshly and bluntly. "I may not be in charge of your security at this moment but you cannot possibly think I would let you go back to that compound."

"He is right. This is not a good idea. First, you do not even know if Davu is there. Second, if he is, you do not know how many men he escaped with. You could be walking into an ambush. And third, you do not know how you will react to seeing him again. He could trigger traumatic memories for you." Nakia listed. She understood the urge to take matters into your own hands, the former spy lived her life that way. But even she recognized there had to be limitations.

Zarah waved her hand, brushing off their concerns as if they were minor inconveniences, not gaping holes in her plan. "I will be fine. There is nothing he can do to hurt me that he has not done before. And yes, I do not have confirmation he is there. It is a hunch, a gamble but every place you all have searched for the last month has been. How is this any different?"

"Umm, those search teams were skilled Jabari warriors with weapons, trained to take risks and rush into potentially dangerous situations. And you are the chieftess of the Jabari, whose body just healed like yesterday? That is literally the difference," Shuri stated, not understanding how Zarah did not understand the pure lunacy of her plan. "You are chieftess, leader of this tribe. You cannot just amble into danger for the hell of it."

"You put this throne and tribe at risk by doing so," Kasim interjected.

Anger flared as she tried to defend her choices. If she wanted to be talked out of it or down to like she was not capable, she would have just called M’Baku. "And this is what chieftesses, leaders, do! They lead, they do not sit idly by and let others do all the work for them. How can I ask our soldiers to go into the fire for me if I am not willing to race through fire for them? This is my hunch, my idea. So I will follow it until the end. This tribe, this role, demands that I defend them at all costs."

"This role also demands you protect yourself, you make smart decis-"

"I am going! I am Lady of the Jabari and with all due respect, I do not need permission from any of you," she said angrily. "I am only telling the three of you because you were the only people whose allegiances don’t lie with M’Baku’s over mine and I thought you would help me. Was that a mistake? Can I trust you or not?"

"You can… of course you can," Shuri resigned, the group collectively nodding in agreement.

"If this is your command, I will obey but I am going with you. I can’t let you go there alone. That is non negotiable," Kasim told her, pulling his furs back on. This plan lacked the logic he usually preferred but it was her life. She was right, she did not need his permission to do anything. His job was to ensure she was safe while she did it.

"Us too!" Nakia called. "Do you have some extra furs though?"

Zarah immediately shook her head, quickly losing control of this situation and her plan. "What? No! Absolutely not. No one is coming with me. I just wanted some tech Davu would not be able to fight against. Shuri, you are 17. Nakia, you are the queen of Wakanda. This isn’t a hike through the mountains; T’Challa would murder me if I let either of you come. You saw what these men are capable of. And Kasim, you do not give me non negotiables!"

"Precisely why you shouldn’t be going there either. Why do you need to do this? What do you need to prove?" Nakia demanded.

Zarah braced herself over her desk, clutching the sides. "It is not about prov-" she stopped, the words failing her. "It is not about proving anything. Davu attacked me. It is about me recognizing that this isn’t M’Baku or N’Danna’s fight. It is my fight to win or lose, and I will not lose again. I will find him, I will confront him and I will end this."

"How do you expect to get out of here?"

"I grew up around this palace, running behind my big brother and M’Baku. You do not think I picked up on a few things along the way? Like what entrances and exits to this place and the Lands in general are not properly manned? We have hours before M’Baku or T’Challa come looking for any of us for dinner tonight. That is more than enough time to fly the Royal Talon close to the compound and get in. By the time they catch up, I will have my answers either way."

"Fine but if you go, we are coming too. Or I will call Lord M’Baku," Kasim threatened. A staring match ensued between the young chieftess and her favorite guard. She was not used to Kasim pushing back on her this hard. But she nodded, ultimately conceding because going with them was better than not going at all.

"Fine, but let us hurry. I do not want to waste any time."

****

The Royal Talon glided quietly and swiftly toward the compound. Zarah watched out of the window as snow fell peacefully around the ship as they zoomed toward potential danger. Every inch closer to their destination made her heart falter. Her confidence in this plan beginning to diminish fast but she came this far, there was no room to turn back or waver.

"So what happens when you find him?" Shuri asked. She had an idea but wanted to hear it from the chieftess herself. Zarah was no assassin but she also, previously, was not a woman to make rash decisions and here they were.

Zarah did not say anything, she did not know what happened once she found him. She knew the only correct answer in front of the Queen and Princess was that she would arrest him. But she could not deny the small piece of her heart that wanted to see him suffer, that wanted to watch the life leave his body as he was supposedly content with doing to her.

"I will arrest him," she said, voice hitching slightly which let the Princess know that she was not being totally honest. But she did not signal that she picked up on the hesitation. She simply nodded and continued guiding the Talon.

"From the other Dwellers’ accounts, we believe he escaped with about 10 men. We are outnumbered if we have to fight our way out but these weapons," he gestured toward the vibranium blasters Shuri gave them, "should give us an advantage even without the numbers.

Zarah nodded, before looking at her guard. "You do not have to do this. I know it is your job but I will never ask you or any of you to put your life at risk for me. If you want to stay on the Talon, I understand. This is my idea, I am the only one who should be in danger for it."

"This is my duty. I vowed to follow the throne until the very end through everything. We can station the Queen and Princess toward the front of the caves so they can escape if needed. We are all in this with you," he informed. Shuri and Nakia gave reassuring nods before lowering the Talon on the small cliff at the entrance of the compound.

She sighed with relief when she saw no Jabari guards standing out front, she had forgotten about them.

"Kide told me they patrol the whole mountain here. They are likely walking around now. Let us hurry."

She started to walk in when her kimoyo beads started to ring out loudly. The bead illuminating a light blue was the one that directly connected to M’Baku so she knew immediately who it was and why he was calling.

She started to question her decision to answer during the second it took M’Baku to materialize at her wrist. She would tell him the truth. Some of us still value the truth. She thought they would have more time to get in but he must have went looking for her earlier.

"Zarah! Where are you? Are you ok?" He immediately fired off questions, sounding frazzled and upset.

"I am fine."

There was a pause. "Ok, good. But where are you? Jahari went looking for you in the labs and you are not there. We have searched the entire Lodge."

"I am at Davu’s compound. I believe he is here and I want to check for myself," she rushed out, deciding not to prolong the inevitable.

"What? Zarah… That is absurd. I know you are upset with me but you can’t just run off after a madman. You need to come home right now. How did you get there?"

She shook her head. "The Royal Talon. And no M’Baku. You cannot command me to return like a soldier. I have to do this. You wanted to do everything alone… and now I am. I have to go back there and nothing you say will change my mind. I love you."

"Zarah, wai-" he called before she ended the call. She knew he would find T’Challa and demand he take the Panthers’ ship that brought the council members to the Lands to find her. So she knew her window of opportunity was dwindling. She took off, venturing down into the caves with Kasim on her heels, and Shuri and Nakia at the entrance as lookout.

This time felt different, this time was voluntary and on her own terms, which gave her a sense of power as she navigated the compound. She stayed alert, knobkerrie out and a blaster in her other hand ready for an attack, realizing now that she could have vastly underestimated how many he escaped with. Too late to turn back now though. But no one appeared as she moved quietly through the tunnels, turn after turn until she reached a closed door with a carving of Hanuman on it. She wasn’t sure how she knew this was it. She was just trusting her gut and Hanuman’s guidance, and her gut led her here. She took a deep breath… this was it. She could end this, finally have answers... finally be free. She pushed the door open and was almost shocked to come face to face with Davu. 

"How did you know?" he asked from behind his desk, his head resting in his hands as he sat, almost like he had been waiting for this moment. She nodded at Kasim, signaling for him to closing the door.

"You seem to be a strategic man Davu," Zarah said, voice shaking slightly as she leaned against the wall across from him, moving her knobkerrie back and forth in her hands. "Why not come back here? It is the last place anyone on this manhunt would think to look since we arrested everyone else. Besides, this is it… this… these men, these makeshift rooms and tunnels… this is all you have. You can leave temporarily but everyone comes home eventually, even if it is to their own detriment. I am a bit surprised I was right though."

"You are smarter than I gave you credit for. Certainly smarter than that husband of yours," Zarah cut her eyes at the insult. "A life on the run can only last for so long. A servant told me I could return and Hanuman did not offer me a rebuttal or other path so, this was it. My last option. So, let me guess, there is a considerable amount of warriors and that chief out there ready to arrest me and take me to await my execution?"

"No… just me and Kasim. The considerable amount of warriors are on their way. I would say we have 20 minutes before they knock down this door." Zarah sat down in the chair across from him, eerily calm for facing the man who tortured her for days."So while we wait, I have a question."

"You still think you are in a position to make demands. You clearly didn’t learn anything from our time together."

"It is not a demand, it is a question. You can choose not to answer and I will have Kasim kill you. Death is coming for you as sure as the sun will rise over the eastern mountains in the morning. How quickly your soul falls off the cliffs to meet Hanuman is up to you."

As Zarah spoke, she examined her assailant. She could see how life underground affected his health. His clothes hung off his thin body, his skin was dry and taunt over his bones from the vitamin D deficiency. In this light, Zarah wondered why she was ever afraid of him. She certainly could overpower him in hand-to-hand combat. Maybe it was because she didn’t really remember enough about him to be afraid, didn’t remember all the pain he inflicted. And for the first time, the power dynamics were certainly in her favor. It was nice to hold all the cards, all the power after someone lauded theirs over you.

Davu leaned back in his chair and Zarah could finally see it, the facade of superiority cracking. "Smart indeed. What is your question?"

"I don't remember much from our time together, what you did to me. All I know is what others have told me. But there are things they can't tell me... things only you know. So I want to know why? Why me?"

Davu slumped back in his seat and stared past Zarah thoughtfully. They sat in silence as she waited for him to address her question.

"I am not sure that is worth risking your life over. But why not? If I am to die, someone should hear it before that I suppose. It was simple. I wanted the mantle of chief… I am the one chosen by Hanuman to lead the Jabari, to bring them back into his favor. I know this, I have seen it in my dreams every night for years. That throne is my destiny and it was time for me to take it."

Zarah shook her head, "First, you were not chosen by Hanuman because if you were, you would have won the ritual combat. It is ordained by him. Second, that is not the answer to my question. That is why you chose to overthrow the Jabari. You beat me, you tortured me, you poisoned me. If the throne was all you wanted, you could have marched your followers over these mountains and fought M’Baku… Instead you chose to hurt me. Hanuman didn’t tell you to do that. Destiny didn’t tell you to do that. So why?" She demanded through clenched teeth. She wanted to reign in her emotions, be stoic and cold but seeing him again was fracturing the dam holding back a month's worth of pent up emotions.

"Yes, I could have marched my men down the mountain and attacked Jabariland but I didn’t take over this group of faithful servants and raise them up from obscurity to offer them like pigs for their slaughter. You all would have crushed us immediately. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Physical strength and military prowess are not your chief’s weaknesses. But then I learned of you, the woman who had the right hand of the King, the woman shaping the Jabari in her image, the woman leading their leader astray, the woman destined to be chieftess. You weren’t yet but they were sure you were on your way. You were the reason he rejoined Wakanda."

"I encouraged him to. We are better together than apart."

"In your opinion. Your chief handed me a gift on a silver platter when he rejoined Wakanda at your request: the gift of division. With that, I could finally get what I needed, people within the Jabari who could tell me all I needed to know about him, who then told me about you. I was most interested in you... the girl that led the Jabari’s infrastructure, that captivated hearts and minds, the Chief’s greatest weakness, they said."

"I am far from Lord M’Baku’s weakness."

"Oh you don’t know the power you have. They told me what he said when he proposed… what was it again? 'The future of the Jabari rises and sets with Lady Zarah’" he recited. "Or something like that. It is poetic really. Why attack a group of soldiers when one person will do?"

"So you kill me and what? M’Baku is so distraught that he just hands you the throne? You aren’t as smart as you think. M’Baku would never make that trade."

"Love topples empires every day. What is Chief in the face of saving your wife? The love of your life? Most would give up everything. And the intention was never to kill you… You represent everything that is wrong with the Jabari, everything I was trying to change. If I could mold you, if I could convert you? Well, I could do so to anyone. Once I traded you for the throne, I was going to kill him and keep you for myself. Oh I had plans for you, plans to build a bright future in the light of Hanuman with you by my side. But not as you were - headstrong, outspoken, too smart for your own good - no… you had to be taught your place. You had to be broken. You would have been more amenable to the idea once I was done with you. You may not remember but you were so close when our time together ended. A few more minutes and I would have gotten you there. Believe me, there were moments when I feared you were a loss cause and in those moments, I can admit I got carried away, particularly with the poison. It would have just been easier to kill you and be done with it. But your survival was part of the deal and no one trusts a man who goes back on a deal. I was given the key to the kingdom, you get to remain chieftess, your brother keeps his head," Davu listed, clearly annoyed at all the concessions he had to make to set his plan in motion. "And then I would have had it all… the Jabari, the mantle and the backing of the council. And we would have ushered in a new world for the Jabari. A new legacy."

"Deal? What deal?"

He laughed. "You could probably guess. Come on Zarah… You think everyone loves your chief just because you do? You think everyone wants to see him holding the mantle just because you do?"

"No, I just know no one would betray the Jabari, betray their chief and I like this. You are lying."

Davu laughed. "What use is lying to a man marked for death? What better recourse than to tell the truth when your days on this Earth have been reduced to minutes? I swear to Hanuman I am telling the truth. You should just lucky the people with power cared about you or I would have killed you. As I planned to do with all the loyalists."

Zarah shared a look over her shoulder with Kasim, a look that shared more than expression - it shared confirmation. Confirmation that the zealot before her was indeed telling the truth, someone betrayed her. She squinted her eyes at him, letting the guard know that there would be a conversation in the near future of how he knew this but she did not.

"Who?" The question was barely audible. The disappointment and hurt caused by the blow of betrayal forced her poker face to slip.

The confidence and strength she had when she walked into his office dwindling. She did not want the answer, feared she could not handle the answer. But she knew weeds in a garden must be pruned, or else they threaten the livelihood of all.

She could see the hope that glimmered in her opponents' eyes, knowing that this secret gave him power and that he could dangle this nugget of important information out to her like a mouse before a cat and she would desperately grasp for it, because she had to.

"He claimed to love you. I do not have children so I cannot claim to understand the complexity of a father's love but I suppose they all show it in different ways. He hoped this would, in addition to saving the Jabari by installing a chief that deserves it, harden you but I suppose we both failed in our ambitions. Though I suppose he still won in the end... his daughter still chieftess and his son still general. And thanks to the impossible dilemma he created for you, he knows you are not strong enough to execute your own blood so life will still pump through his veins."

Zarah's eyes clenched shut as his revelation crashed over her like relentless waves during a storm at sea. She felt the tears forming, felt her blood boiling. She did not want to believe him, the shock wanting her to believe her father was incapable of betraying her and their people in this way. But she knew in her heart he was telling the truth.

You are not a disappointed daughter here. You are a chieftess. You can deal with his betrayal when this is over.

Zarah forced herself to resume her calm facade and pull her emotions back to their cage. That was what he wanted, to see her break down, see her powerless. But she was not. Her father wanted this to harden her, well hardened she was.

"I hope all of this was worth it for you... risking your life for this."

This new revelation changed nothing. She came to get answers and she got some, more than she wanted. She was disappointed though, those answers did not lift her spirits, reignite the spark of life she was hoping they would. Instead, she felt just as cold, just as empty, maybe even more so if that was possible than before she entered this abandoned cave. Before she had the sweet bliss, the merciful blessing of ignorance even though it did not feel that way back then. Before she had a father. Now, she lost both and the world on the other side was more terrifying than she imagined. But he could never know that. He could never know that this was useless. Power, strength, control - those were what she needed now.

"Knowing that you will go to your death knowing this plan failed miserably makes it all worth it to me. And I will make sure my father and any Jabari who helped you are the last faces you see before you all go to meet Hanuman together," she said coolly.

"Oh… I don’t see it that way."

She scoffed and leaned back into her chair, still exuding confidence. "It must be tough to admit you failed and got it wrong. But that is the issue with fanatics isn’t it? You believe everything you do is guided and ordained by Hanuman so you cannot make a mistake, cannot be wrong. And you do not even realize that you are not really following any God at all, you are simply following your own hubris to destruction. So how do you see it? Because you sound rather pompous for a man whose moments on Earth are dwindling by the second."

He stood up from his chair and strode around his office with the air of a champion. Zarah stood as well and gripped her borrowed weapons, ready to strike at any moment.

"You are an engineer, so you tell me. What happens to building with cracks in their foundation? Buildings erected on unstable ground?"

Zarah hesitated, unsure of the purpose of this random pop quiz. "They will collapse eventually because the base isn’t strong enough to uphold the structure."

"Exactly, everything that was built will collapse. Even the smallest crack can give way to an unstable structure. You can find something to mask the cracks, fill them but the structure will never be as strong as it was. It will always be vulnerable."

"Great, you have a child’s understanding of engineering. What is your point?" Zarah asked through gritted teeth.

"I will never get to be chief, you are right about that. But I did crack the foundation. You and M’Baku are slowly breaking. I know of the problems plaguing your marriage. In only a month, you two have managed to destroy the trust in your relationship all on your own. That will fester, the fractures will grow larger and larger until the entire structure, that bright future you two were building, collapses. I may have lost but I exposed your vulnerability, the holes in your leadership. And sooner than you think, another will take my place and finish my work. There is more of me in these mountains than you know. My soul may leave this Earth, but you can’t take my legacy."

Zarah’s knuckles started to turn red at the death grip she had on her weapon. Anger growing stronger and wilder at his belief, the audible confirmation that he broke them... that he broke her. "The Jabari are more than just its leaders. It is a people, tradition, a way of life. You cannot destroy that by destroying me. M’Baku and I are strong. We will destroy another just as we destroyed you."

"Oh you are strong? Hm… tell me, where was that strength when he was spending every waking moment searching for me and lying to everyone about it? Where was that strength when you were having panic attacks throughout the Lodge, waking everyone up with nightmares? Where was that strength as the two of you ignored each other for a month? You are a mere shell of the woman my soldiers brought here a month ago. You aren’t sleeping, you have lost weight, you aren't doing your job, how long before all the emotions you are trying to hide overpower you? Before the memory of me eats away at you until there is nothing left? And your husband? The great and fearless M’Baku? He will destroy himself under the weight of his own bruised ego and failure, trying to prove he is still a man, a leader despite failing to protect his family."

The world seemed to turn red and before she knew it, Zarah found herself in front of Davu, one arm grasping the front of his robes to keep him in place and the other raised with her knobkerrie to strike him, the Panthers’ weapon clanked to the floor forgotten. She did not need their help to end this, this weapon would be enough. It shook violently in her hand along with her whole body as she tried to remain calm. Davu was like a catalyst, activating and amplifying all her own insecurities, all her own thoughts of self loathing. She did not want to listen, did not want to give his words life for she knew they were right and it killed her.

"No. You are wrong. You haven't broken me. You won't."

"You already are," he whispered. "I have taken root in the Jabari like a parasite and it won’t be long before I devour everything you hold dear. He told me you were weak, that you would crumble under my weight. Whether you shattered all at once like I originally planned or break slowly piece by piece, the endgame remains the same. And from this, my people will rise from the rubble and rebuild the Jabari in Hanuman's image."

He didn’t even flinch as she swung her arm back and brought the weapon down on his head, trying to silence the physical mouthpiece to her insecurities, the person breathing life into her darkest thoughts.

Her rage was defeating and blinding as the knobkerrie connected with every inch of his body with all the strength she could muster, over and over again. Neither his cries nor yells of pain reached her ears.

"Zarah! ZARAH!" She suddenly felt two hands grip around her arms and pull her backwards away from his writhing, bloodied body. Her chest heaved up and down as she tried to calm down from the adrenaline rushing through her. She looked without seeing as two soldiers walked in front of her and lifted his body off the floor and onto a medical transportation bed.

"He is still breathing," she heard faintly through the intense ringing in her ears.

"Good. Take him away."

Her eyes followed the bed as he was carried away, her line of vision interrupted by a large body. Her eyes trailed up his torso to his eye, ablaze with a rage she had never seen directed at her before.

"M’Baku, I -" Her mouth clamped shut as M’Baku raised his hand to silence her.

"Are you hurt?" he asked quietly. Zarah quickly shook her head.

"Good. Go to the Talon. We will discuss this later," he said shortly stepping aside for her to pass him. She stood and stared at him for a moment. She almost questioned whether she could get her limbs to move, whether they would be able to make the journey to the ship outside. Even standing there, her ears rang, her whole body felt like it was buzzing around her and her extremities felt heavy, like they were anchors holding her in one spot.

"Let us go, my lady." Kasim placed a hand on her mid back in hopes of propelling her forward and out of the cave. Her legs moved on command, slower than her usual step but moving. She could hear M'Baku and her brother shared a few words before N'Danna ran to follow after Davu and M'Baku trailed close behind them to the ship.

"Zarah! Are you alright?" Shuri asked rushing to meet the young chieftess as she walked up the ramp to the cabin of the ship. She immediately started checking her for injuries, noticing the blood streaked on her face and clothes.

"It is Davu's, not mine. I am fine," she assured the princess before falling into a nearby seat. Her eyes averted the form of her husband who stood on the other side of the ship. Despite his distance, she could feel his aura as if he was right on top of her: red with rage. After her brother joined them  on the ship, it lifted off the ground to make the journey back to the Lodge. 

 "So Davu is in custody then? It is over?"

"Yes. He will be tried an-"

"No." Zarah said lowly from her seat. "It is far from over. M-m-my f-f-father… h-he…" Zarah voice fell as she tried to verbalize the one truly important information Davu offered her, the only information she could actually act upon.

"He revealed that Elder Amari helped Davu orchestrate all this and has been informing him on your search for him since he escaped."

N’Danna laughed. "That is absurd and impossible. One, our father is a dedicated general to this tribe and two, he has not been involved in the search." He could not hear it, he would not entertain it.

"No, he hasn’t but I have heard you give him details of the investigation. And yes, it is true. All evidence pointed to you or him. We found cash in Mosi’s locker, more than any guard should have. There are only a few families in the tribe who could have given him such a large amount, Davu’s entire plan - the fire, the guards - hinged on information only a handful of men in this tribe could have known. You both disagreed with rejoining Wakanda, your father vehemently so. I would also guess and say he is the one that encouraged you to convince M'Baku to focus the search in Niganda and our neighboring nations, yes?," Kide demanded, voice and anger rising at confirmation that his former general betrayed their people like this.

"Y-yes he did! But only because he wanted us to catch Davu and it was good advice - everyone agreed! This is all circumstantial! Based on the words of a would-be usurper! Sister, please tell you do not believe this," N’Danna begged, not understanding how her sister was ready to call their father a traitor so easily.

"Davu has no reason to lie. He is marked for death either way, lying would not help him escape that inevitability. I believe him. Father did this."

N’Danna thew his hands up exasperated. "And you, M’Baku? You have been looking for a reason to hate our father since forever. I suppose you believe this nonsense as well?"

M’Baku shook his head. "Do not make your father out to be some innocent victim when he is not. While it is convincing, I will not execute an elder off the words of a criminal. I believe we should interrogate Mosi and see if he also confirms this."

"No!" Zarah called out. Her hand wiped the tears from her eyes before she pulled herself to full height and swallowed her emotions. The dam was splintering but it would hold for a bit longer, it had too. "Have him, Davu and the Jabari Council brought to Dead Man’s Peak immediately. Before the sun hits the western mountains. King T’Challa, can we use the Talon to fly there after I change?" 

"We should at least hear from Mosi first, Za-" 

"No! I will hear from no one else, I will speak to no one else but Elder Amari. He will admit what he has done or he will offer adequate defense of the charges and evidence before him. That is it." 

The color drained out of N’Danna’s face, understanding her intentions immediately. "Zarah, please! You cannot j-just execute him, our father, without a fair trial."

"I can do as I please as chieftess of this tribe! You may be my brother but you do not give me orders, General N’Danna," her eyes cut with rage as she spoke. "I suggest you remember that. I will execute any man who thinks he can uproot this tribe. The sun will not set on another day in this tribe with a traitor in our midst. That is my decision and that decision is final."

N’Danna stared at M’Baku incredulously. But M’Baku offered no rebuttal, no response. He did not know what happened in that cave this time around but a different Zarah emerged from the underground, one whose eyes were void of life, were cold. He knew better than to strip this choice from her. It was not his place.

She walked to the window of Talon and stared out of it for a moment. She turned back and faced the two guards in the corner, "You will see to it? As soon as we land. No delays."

"Yes my lady. No delays," Kide responded.

She nodded before turning to the window, turning her back on her audience and the past. The path forward was the only thing she could focus on. Here she was again, racing toward pain and the unknown. This felt different though. Before she did not know what she would encounter at the end of her journey. Now she knew exactly what laid at the end of the path she was on now, a path that seemed to drain the life out of her as she went. The unknown was what would come after, what paths would be born from actually reaching this destination. Only Hanuman knew that but she hoped he dealt her a better hand than before.

***

Tag List: @destinio1 @muse-of-mbaku @missmohnique @jellybean531 @dawva @afrolatinpami

[xbarrjallenx]

Say Something

Pairing: Theseus Scamander x Reader

Summary: (Y/N) and Theseus did their best to make their relationship work, but what would happen when insults and insecurities started knocking down everything they built in the past years?

Word count: 1.974

Posted: 22nd of January 2019

A/N: Wow, it has been awhile since I posted an imagine! I am currently having a great writer’s block, so please hype me up and leave some feedbacks below. I would appreciate it a lot!

Also, this imagine is sitting in my drafts for weeks and I just realised that I was really into angst last month, wasn’t I? Don’t worry, I have more fluffy Newt in drafts and I’ll post them soon! I hope you all enjoy this!

- G. x

“Hmm!” You hummed in frustration for the umpteenth time of the day while you struggled on finishing a paper work that your boss, also known as your boyfriend, assigned you few weeks ago.

The paper you were working on was a very important project for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, but the task was passed to the Head Auror’s office because of the terrible news that shocked the whole British Ministry of Magic three months ago: Gellert Grindelwald was freed by a former employee of the Magical Congress of the United States of America!

“Are you stressing yourself for that paper work again, (Y/N)?” Theseus – the head Auror, your boss and your boyfriend – asked you in a discourteous tone as his attention drifted from his paper work to your exhausted figure across his office desk.

“I am.” You honestly answered, exasperated gaze suddenly turning into a tremendously appalling death glare, which he nonchalantly caught.

“I told you, days ago, to leave that work to Leta, she has more experience than you when it comes to those complicated papers.” He heartlessly reminded as he chose to not pay attention to your frustration, complimenting the Department of Magical Law Enforcement assistant while he apathetically insulted your abilities. “She’s can surely finish it in just a day or two!”

Saying that your boyfriend offended you out loud was extremely useless. His words hurt you and everyone would notice that by the expression written on your face. He underestimated you and your skills once again, an action that made your heart ache exaggeratedly.

“Oh, stop looking at me like that, (Y/N)!” He sassily verbalised, vexation filling his mind. “We both know that I am just saying the truth. Leta is more qualified than you are! Every Auror knows that, but they never had the guts to divulge it to you because you are my significant other. They have always hesitated on doing it because of me, of their fear of getting fired!”

His words echoed through the walls of your pounding head. The stress, the frustration and your insecurities were hitting you, leaving your brain no time to think and to calm yourself down. Your chest was feeling tight and heavy, making you clench your jaws as your heart was filled with hatred and abomination.

“I would love to have her as my assistant, but Travers is luckier than me, apparently!” He kept on blabbering, not caring for your emotions now.

He wasn’t aware that he was being harsh on you because of the blasé tone in his voice. He kept on going: talking nonsense and uncaringly insulting you, preferring Leta over you – his assistant, his best friend and his companion for years.

“So, please, stop trying so hard on finishing that paper. You want to prove me something? That’s not the case, (Y/N), because you are just wasting a huge amount of time!” He carelessly spat his venomous words against your vulnerable self.

It wasn’t the first time he would criticise you, it wasn’t the first time you would feel unloved, it wasn’t the first time you would endure the pain that he was causing you. He started praising Leta weeks ago and he never cared about your feelings when he would do so, but, this was the last time, it was your last straw. You couldn’t keep on hearing his insults, his criticism anymore. You were tired, tired of his words, tired of his ungratefulness, tired of him.

“Are you done spitting senselessness, Theseus?” You fiercely asked as you rapidly stood up from your chair, slightly kicking it to give you some space. “Because, you know, I am so done with you!”

You declared, letting him know that you had enough on tolerating his awful words and behaviour. You would have understood if he were just your boss, your head Auror, but he was your boyfriend too. He should be a little more encouraging and caring, just like your first years together, not harsh and daunting.

“What do you mean you are done with me?” A frown appeared on his face, matching the angry expression on yours.

He hurt you and his words broke you. You tried so hard to give Theseus everything, mostly just to make him happy, to live his life at its fullest. You believed in him, you took care of him and you supported him whenever he would reach for the stars. You caught him when he would fall from the sky, you cradled him when he would cry and, the most important of them all, you loved him with all of your heart.

He wasn’t a bad boyfriend at first. On the contrary! He was actually protective, gentle and sweet. You built your relationship so strong that no earthquakes ever succeeded on destroying you and separating you apart.

“I’m tired, Theseus! Leta here and Leta there, Leta everywhere, might as well have her as your real assistant!” You scandalously shouted, making your emotions explode. You couldn’t do it anymore. “I swallowed my pride for so long, Theseus. I did that just for you. Merlin knows that I did, because you are the only one that I love, but this is too much!”

Theseus. He was your better half, one of the two creators of your once-so-marvellous relationship, yet he was also the one succeeding on breaking your world apart, not a storm, not an earthquake, not even a hurricane.

“What are you talking about, for Merlin’s sake!? Are you okay?” He stood up, shouting back furiously as he stopped you. You ignited his anger issues, you did and you knew that the worse was about to come. “If you are making a scene in my office: don’t! We’re talking about it at home.”

“Home?” You sarcastically scoffed, tears starting to prick your burning eyes. “There is no such place for us anymore.”

He changed. The only man that you have ever loved changed and you couldn’t do anything about it. Maybe he fell out of love, maybe he got tired of you, maybe he had his eyes on someone else too.

“(Y/N), don’t take my words personally, Merlin’s beard! I was just stating a fact, accept it.” He yelled again, inviting your hot and salty tears to stream down your face.

“I am resigning, Mr. Scamander,” You courageously stated as you crumpled the paper that you were working on for so long because of his hostility. “as your assistant and as your partner.”

“What?” His grew wide in shock, heart almost dropping on the floor. “No, you can’t do that, (Y/N)!”

His tone was rather desperate and alarmed, confusion wrapped his fuzzy mind. He knew that he was about to lose you, but little did you both know you already lost each other weeks ago. The reasons? Insecurities and inappreciativeness. “Do you still love me? Do you still need me?” You changed the topic, calming down as you knocked the walls that you built around your heart.

“What does it have to do with this now?” He raised an eyebrow, still furious eyes straight into your bloodshot ones.

“Just answer me.” Your voice cracked because of the pang in your chest and your muffled sobs were quickly heard in the now-quiet room.

The tall man just looked at you while his curiosity killed him, anger leaving his system. He couldn’t decipher your emotions, neither could understand why you were crying over some simple things.

“Theseus, say something!” You desperately insisted, voice raising once again. He was dumbfounded and silent, thinking about his actions: was he still the man that you loved before? “Please.”

He opened his mouth as though he was about to answer you, but he quickly shut it as he failed to express his words and his feelings.

“I understand now.” You weakly nodded as you threw the crumpled paper work on his messy desk. “I’m sorry for doing this, Mr. Scamander!”

You were about to go out of the room, but his warm, but trembling hand stopped you from doing so. “(Y/N), love.”

“Don’t!” You silently muttered, drawing your hand from Theseus’ grip. “I had enough.”

Theseus shook his head continuously. He realised it. He realised what he has been doing to the love of his life in the past few weeks and he felt unbearable and severe sting in his chest, heart shattering instantly. “I’m sorry, (Y/N)!”

Strong and muscular arms were quickly wrapped around your fragile body and you felt his pain, his regret and his fear of losing you, but it was too late.

“I’m sorry, Theseus.” A sharp pang was felt in your chest as you removed his arms from your body. He broke you and, although he still wanted you, it was obvious to you that his heart already belonged to someone else. “I am quitting.”

“(Y/N),” You harshly bit your lower lip as you prevented yourself from sobbing tumultuously, tears still burning your cheeks. “please don’t leave.”

“Forgive me.” You started walking away from the man that you once loved, opening the wooden door with a flick of the wand. “I love you, Theseus, but…”

“But?” He looked like an abandoned puppy in the middle of his noiseless office, but this was what he deserved, nonetheless he never expected this to happen.

You just shook your head with a broken smile in response, tears continuously spilling as you walked out of the your once shared-office, walked out of his now-miserable life.

You were damaged and injured, but this was the best for you, perhaps even for the both of you. Theseus has changed, he wasn’t that loving and caring man that conquered your heart anymore. He was nothing, but a mean-spirited monster that ruthlessly stole your heart, so he could abuse it whenever he wanted to and throw it whenever he would find someone new.

Your tears kept on flowing as you leant against the wooden door of the office, loud sobs being choked and terrible pain being held back.

“(Y/N)?” A curious cinnamon-haired figure stood in front of you as he gently pulled you into his welcoming arms. The younger Scamander. He wasn’t an absolute hugger, but you were his only exception. “Why are you crying?”

“Newt.” You desperately called him as you buried your tear-stained face in the crook of his neck, carelessly wetting his soft skin while he pitifully caressed your head.

You were suddenly thankful that he had a scheduled meeting with Theseus’ team during that very specific day. At least, someone cradled you in their arms, making you feel the love that your significant other has failed on giving you.

Newt has always been that sweet and thoughtful brother, classmate and friend. He was your safe haven, before Theseus became your boyfriend. He was your anchor and you were his ship, but his older brother was a great captain and you never needed it again.

You abandoned him in the past, but you were thankful that he was the one who offered you comfort and a shoulder to cry on in the times you needed someone the most. He was an angel, your guardian angel.

“Please don’t cry, sweetheart. I can’t stand seeing you cry!” He lovingly hushed you, trying to calm you down as you started sobbing badly against his neck. It seemed like you were out of breath, but you still had lots of tears to pour.

“He’s not the same person I fell in love with, Newt.” You shut your weary eyes as your ex-boyfriend’s younger brother amiably accommodated you in his arms. “He has changed.”

“It sounds like you are giving up on him.” He pointed out, embracing you even tighter in attempt of mending the broken and shattered fragments of your heart.

You exaggeratedly sniffled, leaving your friend’s comfortable neck to consider his bluish-green orbs. “It’s because I already did, Newt.”

[ebonydusk]

Things that were, things that are, and things that may be...

I’ll warn you right now this post might get rather long, so I’ll be sure to put most of it under the line. And also warn that this post contains very personal talk about severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, abortion and suicide.

I’ve made various posts over time on this hellsite. I call it that cause...it really can be at times. But it’s also a place I can vent and put my thoughts out into the world, even if I know no one will notice or will really pay attention to it. This one though, this one is probably the most personal.

I’ll start off by explaining I’ve suffered from depression the majority of my life. I can’t possibly tell you how or when it truly started, but I can recognize now that it was there since I was young. It went hand in hand with my growing anxiety that was born of being isolated and over protected and sheltered in a small town with small minds. It’s possible it all came from the fact I was molested as a child. Up till I was at least ten. Which is the last time I let him come near me. My grandfather was a ‘war hero’. A ‘pillar of the small community’. A ‘good man and a good father’. A ‘wonderful husband’. But he also didn’t keep his hands to himself. And I never told anyone. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my sweet grandmother. No one. They still don’t know. But my therapists and my husband and closests friends now do. I’m not as ashamed of it anymore. I realized only recently I shouldn’t be, it wasn’t my fault. And I’m not the one who should have ever felt such shame and guilt.

But keeping that secret since I was so little and never dealing with it left it’s mark on my small mind. A mark that festered and grew into fear and anxiety and self hatred.

Then I realized I was into girls. I felt...out of place. I wasn’t really shamed of that per se. But it WAS a small town. I got picked on by those that knew. Those that guessed. And those that just didn’t like how quiet I was. I was the “girl to talk to if if you wanted to ‘experiment’” to most of the girls in school. I mostly went along with it cause...how exactly did you say no to some of the most popular girls in school and not end up the target of some serious Mean Girl shit? Right? So I started my experimenting early. My girlfriend at the time got jealous easy and she wasn’t happy about none of it...but she was also closeted and afraid of people finding out. There was a point she became a source of bullying just to throw people off.  I grew cautious of telling people. I didn’t want to be targeted anymore. I didn’t want to be used. I didn’t want to be looked at as a freak. Another secret I had to keep. Another thing I had to hide. I’m more open about it now. I still haven’t pin pointed what I am myself. And that’s ok. It really is. FOr everyone who’s unsure it’s ok. No matter your age or how long you’ve had to figure it out.

I met my husband in high school. He was a bright point in those times for me. (And a dark one too, it was high school after all. Drama.) We were on and off more than once. Him being a hormonal guy and me being the idiot that kept forgiving him when he’d come crying back to me when his attempt to move on was rejected harshly. (he’s a wonderful man but he can still act like a teenager sometimes.)

And yes, we did get married. Which leads me to another stressful point in my life. I was left on my own shortly after our marriage. My husband practically volunteered to go be sent overseas. He had to ‘prove himself’. He had to ‘get away’. And so he left. We weren’t prepared. I certainly wasn’t. For nearly a whole year I was left on my own. In a tiny apartment. At first I was ok...until both cars broke down. I had no ride and I was too scared and anxious to ask for help. Cause the one time I did I got guilt tripped about being a burden to my husband by someone he worked with giving me a ride. and the manager of the apartment was a ‘military hater’. So she wasn’t happy about us. So I felt trapped. Alone. Scared. Isolated. And I gained 100+ pounds from ordering out cause I had no way to leave. It was  dark time and I was a mess and the apartment went to shit cause of it too. It was my first mental break. I didn’t recognize it then. I do now though. When my husband returned it was to a barely kept together apartment and a wife that was suddenly overweight and mentally unsound. It was a stressful time. I tried to get help...but they did nothing but throw medication at me that didn’t work.

One of the many reasons I don’t fully trust doctors.

Fast forwarding by a lot, skipping over quite a few little things that went on that probably had some affect on me. But we’re gonna go with big things for now. We’re in alabama now. I need a job. Jody helps me get one at a bowling alley on base. It’s my first job after FIVE YEARS of me trying and searching with little luck. The place was ok at first. But things went downhill fast. The promised hours were not what I got. The manager ran two buildings and the one I was at was the one she hated the most. (She admitted this often.) She micromanged everything. Talked down to everyone. Expected more than was could be given.

I was doing the job of 10 other people at that place. And for not enough hours and during the BUSIEST times of the week. The weekends. Most people will scoff at that. “Only the weekends? Pffft! You wimp! You child! That’s nothing!” Yeah. Maybe it is. But those three days of work? They were awful. They were draining and it got to the point I would actually cry before having to go back cause it was so bad. I hated it. But I kept trying cause I felt guilty. I felt weak. And I didn’t want to disappoint my husband who HELPED me get the job. During all this stress I found out I was pregnant. (this part is very upsetting for me and might be for others too. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this.) I didn’t know how to feel when I looked at that stupid pee stick. I was dumbfounded. I told my husband and...his reaction broke my heart. He panicked. Badly. He had to be sure. We went to a doctor. They confirmed. Their ‘Congratulations’ hurt me. It cut too deep. Cause I knew what my husband wanted to do. He wasn’t ready and he was panicking with every day.

He had me convinced we couldn’t do it. I knew it was bull. I knew it wasn’t true. The military would have paid him MORE to have the baby. I knew it. THey increase pay for such things. But I didn’t know how to fight him on it. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want him to regret or resent me. So...I went along. I agreed.

I know I told some people that it was done cause it was affecting my health. I lied. I felt too ashamed to tell the truth. I didn’t want to say “we got rid of it cause we weren’t ready”. Cause that wasn’t all true. HE wasn’t ready. I was more than so. I always wanted kids. At least one. But he...

He once told me “If it happens then it happens and we’ll deal”...that was clearly not the case. The abortion broke me. Both mentally and emotionally and physically. I hurt. So much. I still have nightmares at times. Not as often anymore thankfully. But back then it was almost every night afterwards. I...I went back to work. I had to. What else could I do? But not long after returning I just couldn’t anymore. I saw a therapist and he was kind. Understanding. I wasn’t used to that from doctors in the military. He helped some. But it was a temporary thing. Not a full time therapist. But even with his help I could stick it. I had to get away from that job and I needed time.

So I quit...And I felt ashamed and guilty cause I was handed that job on a silver platter and I couldn’t stick to it. I did for 4 years but I still felt horrible.

I stopped seeing that doctor. I stopped taking my meds. I just...tried to move on on my own. I tried to find other things to do. I had my friends online and they helped a lot. I disappeared into my writing. I distracted myself for a long, long time. Then things started going downhill ‘last year’, of 2019. Money getting tighter. Friends getting busy. Some of my favorite places to hang out online, RP forums mostly, were slowing or dying and shutting down. Some of the people I called friends weren’t talking to me anymore. I knew some were just busy and dealing with their own lives but it still felt painful and I felt alone again. Even with a house of three dogs, a roommate, a husband...I felt unwanted. Unloved. Useless. worthless. Pitiful. Shameful. Painful. I couldn’t sleep right. I was staying up for DAYS straight cause of my nightmares and insomnia and my brain just not turning off. I barely ate. My husband had started doing new better work but also college classes and had NO TIME. No time to talk. No time to sit with me anymore. No time. And I knew he needed space to work. I understood that. I wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t that he didn’t care he was just too busy to focus on anything but. Yet it still hurt. I was alone. I felt hollow and full of nothing but darkness at the same time. As dramatic as that sounds. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to not be a burden. I didn’t want the people I knew to feel they had to bother with me anymore. They wouldn’t need to worry or care or bother checking on me anymore. No more emotional mess that is me. No more mother hen monster fussing. No more pestering to hang out. No more.

I had a plan. I had a method. I had a place. All I needed was to wait for my husband to leave in the morning. Make sure the roommate was still sleeping in like always. And I’d take care of it all. I’d stop being a pest, a burden, a mess, a black mark on the lives of those I knew. I’d stop being a disappointment, a failure, a weakling, a pathetic excuse of life.

But one night...I realized those thoughts were wrong. just a moment. Just a spark of a thought. Through the dark fog that dominated my mind. And I sat down and talked to my husband. I told him what was wrong. I told him what I had planned to do. And he took me to someone as soon as possible. They sent me to a hospital (by the way 16 hours waiting in a hospital room is AWFUL and hospitals should be ashamed). And THEY sent me to a Behavioral Health Facility. A nut house. Yeah. BHF is just the nice way to name it. I was there for three days. It seemed to help. I calmed down. I discovered I had diabetes while there too.  I continued to seek treatment. I got my therapist. I got my psychiatrist. I have help now. Continuous help. Consistent help. And I’ve stayed on my meds this time. All this started in May 2019. I went into the BHF on May 10, 2019 and I’ve done my best to stick with everything. I’ve realized a lot about myself and I’m working on a lot of things. I’m hoping to keep getting better. There are a lot of people that helped along the way. People that kept me from doing something I’d regret sooner. Some that helped me more than they could ever realize and I wish I still talked to them. But I know they’ve had life keep them down. I want to thank them right now for being there for me. Misty, Tahki, Jessi, Tana, Fishy, Oobi, Verg, Aru, Naan, that one person who kept answering my depressing blogs and cheering me up ( I’m so sorry I can’t remember your name at this time I feel horrid), There are so many others...I want to thank you all. I’d @ you but I don’t want to disturb you with this long ass mess. I love you guys. Always will. I’m sorry for not talking to any of you more. But know I’m still here. And I’m still thinking of you. Always.

[renaissansu]

In another life with maybe 3 seasons more instead of just this 1 or perhaps a change of the past few seasons, i could understand D&D's justifications for everything happening. But with the way it is, there are no stakes- nothing to fight for, no one to support or hate aside from the fact that we've known them for the past 8 seasons, no change in character development, no reason to care who sits on the iron throne- left at this point. I don't even care about watching the final episode except for the fact that I've been this invested for 9 years that I can't not watch it.

Lemme just summarize the three people done the dirtiest this past ep. (warning, it’s long yall) maybe i should put a keep reading thing here LMAO

1. Jaime - Jaime has always been one of my favorite characters.  In the beginning, he was this king-slayer whose reputation he both embraced and deconstructed through his wittiness and apathy toward anything regarding the iron throne.  He goes as far as to sit on it just to prove how much he doesn’t want it.  He unraveled the expectations of knighthood and chivalry while somehow being the luscious caricature of a knight.  I liked that he never really took anything too seriously except for perhaps one could dub his “fatal flaw,” his love for Cersei, which was both disgusting and intriguing.  But, throughout the seasons we see Jaime as a much more complex man than the lovesick man he is when he pushes Bran out the window.  He’s also the only source of kindness among monsters who treated Tyrion as a monster, he’s capable of (AT THE VERY LEAST) showing affection and care toward Brienne while simultaneously respecting her as a woman and a knight, he feels remorse toward pushing Bran and sympathizes with Catelyn when she loses Ned, and so many more small examples.  He’s the type of character who’s done so many shitty things but he’s not a shitty person, though he perhaps believes he is.  It was as if his exchange with Tyrion and him killing Euron was meant to remind us of that only to mimic Bran’s words to Theon or Arya’s “thank you” to Sandor.  As if he, like the other two, are redeemed in their misdeeds and die as good men.  However, Jaime dying after going back to Cersei is not a way of showing how our fatal flaw consumes us or that people don’t always change.  It is not even an attempt at shock value because it’s so obvious that it’s his flaw.  It’s simply just boring and an erasure of his character arc.  He’s not even the one to convince Cersei to ring the bells and surrender... what was even the point of tyrion telling him that besides to tell the audience of what the bells mean... like... we woulda been knew by him saying the same thing to Daenerys.  Somehow Jaime saying “Cersei always called me the stupidest lannister” is supposed to ignore all of the other Good Things he’s done and just say, oh he’s just a stupid fool in love with the wrong woman.  WHICH HE IS NOT.

2. Cersei - Unlike Jaime who only loves Cersei, Cersei, as many in the show have reiterated and BEAT WITH A CLUB this season, only cares about her children.  This was what made her such an empowering (though immoral ofc) character as she stood behind Joffrey’s cruelty and transformed into a monster herself as Tommen and Myrcella die, leaving her childless.  Cersei is cruel, methodical, and in some ways trigger happy, but she’s not afraid to die (like when she’s about to murder-suicide herself and tommen in s2).  Of course no one wants to die, especially a mother about to have a child with the only man she ever loved and the only man who has given her children, but her screaming “I don’t want to die” at the end of the episode was so ludicrous i actually laughed.  You’re meant to hate cersei, and we got that throughout the past 4 seasons.  She’s a Bad Woman and a Bad Queen.  We get it.  She needed to be this powerful force in order for it to make sense that she’s the final boss so to speak, not the Ice King (don’t even get me started on how rushed that ending was... but yaaaas Arya is That Bitch).  The series has been building to her defeat and the reclamation of the iron throne... only to be thwarted in her quick death with the love of her life Jaime.  I personally didn’t need her to be killed by Arya or like idk stabbed in utter anguish by Jaime (though that woulda been more fulfilling tbh), but her death was so... anti-climactic.  I wasn’t shocked, I wasn’t satisfied.  I was just left with, oh Cersei dies because Danerys wants the city to burn.  

For Cersei and Jaime both I question why make characters so complex and tortured, only to kill them without reason or stake? This is not like Catelyn and Robb whose deaths were both shocking AND vital to the plot.

3. Daenerys - Let me preface this by saying I’m a Sansa stan, take that as you will.  I’ve never been a huge fan of Daenerys, though I love her character design and totally understand why so many people love her.  Sansa and Daenerys to me could have been the greatest companions to each other, but instead they became rivals.  Sansa is wary of outsiders and justifiably so, but she’s not spiteful anymore than any other westerosi toward the Targaryens.  Her dislike of Daenerys seems to function only to warn the audience that Dany may not be as good as we think and I’m not buying it.   Much like Sansa, she starts as a naive girl who’s thrown into these shitty environments by men forced to adapt and overcome.  Both of them grow up very quickly to realize that the world isn’t the pretty box of fine silks and handmaidens they grew up with.  But, unlike Sansa, I personally never thought that Daenerys lost all of her innocence.  Where Sansa has grown hard and unforgiving, Dany wants freedom above all else- though somtimes perhaps this came in the form of revenge.  She’s fought for the underdogs, she’s the breaker of chains, the mother of dragons, and she’s literally EARNED everything she owns.  She maybe a Targaryen, but her position of power was NOT inherited like her mad father’s and her recent ancestors.  I just can’t for one second fathom why it’s supposed to make sense that she’s becoming a mad queen just because of the fact she’s a Targaryen, especially since Jon is also half-targaryen and like only her father was a very very bad ruler (i mean lets be real have we forgotten how bad Robert or Joffrey were at this point and they AREN’T targaryens).  To me, Daenerys is still fighting because she wants and knows she can challenge/redeem the misdeeds of her father.  She wants to return the stasis.

In some ways, sure, her becoming a Mad Queen only helps to boost Jon’s true right to the throne and becomes yet another obstacle in his way to getting there.  Looking at Dany’s character, I can somewhat understand why they went into portraying her as becoming a mad queen. However, I really don’t find it making sense to have her turn immediately just because she wants revenge for two of her closest advisers/friends (one of which is not even killed by a Westerosi).   Daenerys has been that character to me that I love because she’s powerful and unapologetic, but I have sensed a bit of unease in her naivety of sorts (understandable considering she’s had like no positive representations of what a queen or king does i.e. only having her father or robert to go by) in her dealing with the masters over the unsullied and burning men at qarth.  To me, those are way more bigger indications of her subtle character flaws as a queen than her killing her brother like what??? if i were her i’d kill her brother after viserys said “i’d let the whole khalasar and their horses fuck you” LIKE???? WHAT??? Emilia Clarke does an amazing job of portraying Daenerys’ pain at being in love but unloved, and utterly alone in a foreign land.  It’s just so dirty and disheartening to see yet another strong (in all definitions) female character subjected to demonizing emotions which will be her downfall.  I mean, I’ll even agree that I never really saw her to be the one sitting on the iron throne. To me she doesn’t even need to be on the throne to have a good ending because she’s been a great conquer and not a queen.  We never got to really see what happens to the cities she frees in Essos beyond providing her with an army.  But, can’t she be the one person in GOT to realize that winning the throne is one thing and ruling it is another? She could have understood the one thing that Robert Baratheon failed to recognize.  Can’t I just imagine Dany yielding the surrender of kings landing or something and defeating Cersei with Jon only to have an Arya “that’s not me” moment while about to sit on the throne and Jon becomes the king IDK (i’m looking to you LOTR)  ANYTHING besides what’s happening to her...

I think what bothers me the most is that I don’t even have to watch D&D’s explanation at the end of each episode because I can tell exactly why they think everything they’re doing is good, even though it’s such bad writing.  I don’t want to hate on GOT because I do think that the show is overall great/deserving of its success and has well-written parts.  I respect all of the actors/actresses, crew members, writers and episode directors, even D&D for bring us this amazing show, I just feel slighted that things could have been so much better if we were offered perhaps more seasons to develop these arcs or were better leading up to these moments. 

TL;DR GOT has been great to me these past 9 years, but I’m ready for it to be over

but also...

[init4all]

Liveing in my head is like liveing in a old fashioned beautiful romantic story book, longing for the romance and fairy book tale endings I still but thought they were only in my dreams; the fiction in side my own head, a made up land they even I knew could or never would exist in real life, at least not for me. I've been really single for fourteen years, I had lost myself and grew what seemed accustomed to living alone without my prince charming to love me he didnt exist here not in this world, only mine. Being alone and living to die seems to create the most unwanted feelings but still there is no need for compromise because it seems that you just know all is lost anyway and happiness would only be a dream ; like the one in own mind, I was sure it only existed here; here in my story's, my books and fantasies , if something so wonderful really does happen , well it certainly wouldn't happen to me ; no not someone like me.

Beaten and broken as I had ever been ,struggling for understanding and a little bit of compassion. eventually I would have to break free from the heartless monster that bound me in chains and cursed by an unloving intolerable soul , one as deep and dark as the things that lurk underneath your bed at night.

The time had come I knew I couldnt take any more, my long forgotten good spirit now broken and laughed at, tormented and ridiculed for the onse own peculiar entertainment. His love was like a pitch fork stabbing all the good left inside , taking away all that I had accomplished all I had worked for and everything that made me smile;

Change had to come and I knew that it was now.

This is somewhat like a dream , not reality as we know it, a game of some sort, magic or maybe just a cruel joke ; it's a fallen world between real and unreal . Choose your poison; fiction , fantasy, truth, love or intervention . The monster reverted to his familiar dark hiding place and well I was left here ,just not knowing, I bleed maney hours and to many days from the physiological abuse that bashed my brain one too many times, i hit the ground I regrettably thaught I was down for good. As soon as anger helped me breathe, I then found strength and I then remembered who I am and with that I picked up my own broken self; I recovered the knowledge that helped me achieve my inner peace , love, kindness ,understanding and compassion all the things mother and father gave me that the one above gave them; all the attributes we all need to survive and live a natural long life. Without positivity I could only be filled with empty darkness, without love I am only filled with hate, with out compassion I am selfish and with out understanding I am ignorant and then with all this there is no kindness. I opened my mind and I chose a new life the one I dreamed about the one that can only happen in fairytales, the one that really truely happened; yes it , the unthinkable, wonderful thing ,it happened for me . Me I'm none special but all I had to do was listen a little closer and as I did It was then that I completely and wholeheartedly understood and now my real life fairy tale bigins.

With knowledge of his feelings revealed , I knew the only action to rise would only be me own, even with tears that stained my face and some darkness that still lingered I called his feeling out and knew mine have been the same and revealed those as well. I give you my voice for that is my truth, I contribute understanding because I hurt to, I offer you kindness and compassion because we need it to survive and finally I said I offer love so we wont live in darkness and suffer in our own living hell. With love and light is gratitude I'm thankful for you everyday and can not imagine living life without you.

You my love brought me out from my self , you cared for me and then I loved.... it was understanding that helped me believe; you gave me hope ,kindness and gratitude brought smiles and laughter day in and day out, Oh my sweetest dearest friend how could I Not spend the rest of my life with you?, how could I even find peace or contentment without your wonderful soul experiencing life togeather ss er both know it is written ; how are we ever to fill in the missing pieces and even then what's our future like with dark spaces blocking our path?

Its Devine and simple to refuse would be like throwing your own destiny away to except this storybook ending all you need to do is listen and you shall be granted with all the love ,peace and happiness that anyone on earth could ever bestow.

Searching wasn't needed , it just took me to time to learn my lessons

for then my ears and eyes opened and realized my prince charming was alway just right there.

True story but a fairytale ❤

NOT THE END

TO BE CONTINUED !

[little-teacup-11]

The Love Of Aurelia

 It was a cool snowy morning, the ground and forest was caked in a soft, cold  blanket of soft snow. Various snow flowers were blossoming in and among the soft white garden  as small female was walking through the snow. She was dressed in a long sleeved light pink chemise gown that feel passed her ankles in a soft cotton against her delicate skin. Her hair was in a soft long french braid and hung over her shoulder gently, tied by a soft pink bow. Her feet were bare and freezing as she walked through the snow, her soft brown stuffed bunny that was in her soft cream gown. Her gown was dragging along the snow as she soon knelt before a patch of beautiful of beautiful flowers. It was pure white with a soft pink flower bud in the shape of a ruffled heart. There were various petals  that were ruffled like frills in unique blend of a carnation and peony. Even the stem and leaves were soft in color as they were very pale, almost as if they didn’t have color or shade to to its soft, frail body. It had soft, delicate scent to them that was very soothing to smell and surround yourself too. It was the beautiful flower, The Sweet Kiss of Aurelia. It only bloomed, like many flowers in this area and environment only blossomed when it was cold and snowing, as the snow was what nurtured and gave it life to blossom and grow into something beautiful along with the love Aurelia received. The flower was called Heart of Aurelia

Aurelia Rosemary was a beautiful snow maiden who was horribly burned on the right of her face in a terrible accident in her teens. As a result of her burns, she had phobia for fire and flames as she would tremble and cry at just the sight of spark as it would bring unwanted and painful memories. As a result of her scars, she was made of fun and called so many unflattering names that she grew to feel unloved and ugly. It made her feel even more alone then she already was, as in the whole village she was the only snow maiden. She had no family, as she was abandoned as a infant. She was sullen and lonely child, that only as she got older. That feeling only increased with her now scared face, almost as if to curse her existence, a way t say she wasn’t wanted in the world. It was a snowy night when Serene, The Gentle Mood Goddess heard her tears, tears that turned to snow crystals and approached her. She gently embraced her and wiped her tears, and gently kissed her eye and scarred side to bless her with a gentle promise that she would find someone who will help her that she was still beautiful, someone still worth being loved.

 All of which, she doubted down to her soul and care in fear. For it all sounded to good to be true, and felt she was undeserving of such gentleness and love. It was only when a few day’s passed till she saw her, her beautiful angel who gently took her hand, and every day and night, would always move her hair that hid her scarred and burnt side of her face to kiss it and caress it softly while telling her she was beautiful with her scars, and that she loved her. Her love helped Aurelia soul blossom and grow into something beautiful, and with blessing that the moon gave her own flower blossomed on her chest, and in the first drop of snow, as pure as snow. A flower that showed no matter how scarred you are, or broken you may feel, feelings of love can still blossom. That no matter how alone you are in the world, someone does care about you, someone will love you for you. And that someone, romantic, family, or platonic can and will still you, and give your soul strength that you never known you had.

The girl looked down at the flower and touched her scars with long, slender fingers with shimmering pink nails gently. Her scar covered her own eye, she had it bad accident when she was attacked years ago, and was officially blind it it, so it was very pale and different in color, giving her the appearance of having mismatched eyes. She normally wore her eye patch as it was very sensitive to light, but today she was spared from that, and it was early so no one would see her. She wasn’t normally up so early as she was not an early or morning person but her mind kept her up for hours that she just eventually got up. Already she was fighting tears off as her mind started to attack and doubt her again. It was such a vicious and painful cycle, as tears started to streak down her good eye, while tears of blood streaked down her bad eye. She held the gentle and delicate flower to herself before she heard loud, foot steps approaching her causing her to turn around to see her lord approaching her.Just as she was about to speak, they approached her to take her in their arms, their frame shaking slightly. She was startled, but quickly wrapped her arms around them, rubbing their back gently as they picked her up to carry her back inside to their bedroom to lay her on their bed with their face buried in her chest.

Placing a small hand on their cheek, she moved their face up to face her, her own sadness gone in her worry for them, seeing their normally calm face wary and..hurt? They must have saw her shock as they shook their head as they tried to compose themselves, finally speaking. “I am sorry to have startled you little one. It is..just..been a difficult day. A meeting with outsiders that were curious about land..they..heard about the things I done, in those towns..it just got worst once I confirmed it and even I after they explained..and they just..called me a wretched demon..no heartless monster and barbarian that that shouldn’t have never been born..as I was a disgrace to the snow spirits..everything that I am now..is abomination. I been called and told worst..but that..just..” they started, their voice trying to the hide their hurt, but for once was failing. It got to them, as it brought up wounds of their past, that they were forbidden as they snow form was cursed into deformity of a scarred and deformed demon. It took years for them to finally shift to a snow form, but it didn’t feel to them as their real form was cursed into monstrosity, and they weren’t sure it could ever be broken. And everything they learned, did go against it. But still to heart it from a stranger, they almost killed them, and barely managed to scare them away, but their words still haunted them even now..

She frowned at seeing how upset and hurt they were, she was aware of what they did and who they are, and while she didn’t like it, she understood it. And most of all, she understood they didn’t like to do it either, but to ensure that no more bloodshed would be shed, they took that role. Most days they could take it, but this one was one of their days they couldn’t. Leaning down, she gently kissed them,”It is ok My Lord, they do not know or understand what they speak up or what you endured. Nor do they truly understand you, for if they did they never would have spoke such cruel likes and words. You have saved so many lives, mine included by taking on such a stressful role as the lord here. For in many ways, you are still a snow spirit as you are kind and gentle. You are far from heartless, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, nor would the citizens in those towns love you as dearly as they do. They will defend you to the end My Lord,” she said softly, gently placing kisses all over their face as she held their large hand in her small one gently as both their hands held the delicate flower. Her voice was soft and gentle, full of her love and adoration for her Lord. Her emotions, and actions, along with her words made them smile as they shifted positions so that she was laying on top of them, her head tucked under their chin as they slid warm, thick, soft songs on her feet, gently scolding her for walking in the snow barefoot as she could make her sick as she sensitive to the cold.

“I thank you little one..if only you could show the same understanding and love to yourself..”they murmured as they gently wiped her tears with their thumb, kissing her eyes with a smile,their lips gently lingering on her scarred eye.”You are so kind and gentle, so loving and understanding to everyone but yourself. So scared of hurting others that you hurt and destroy yourself, twisting yourself into things that are untrue.It is almost poetic, what your eye represents. Two sides, one side happy and cheerful, so bubbly and silly as you make others smile and laugh, making them feel loved and cherished. While the other, scared and anxious, full of doubts and anxiety with twisted truths and thorns of emotions that you use to break and hurt yourself with, your soul to bleed. A side you try to hide, not wanting to burden or hurt others with, nor do you wish to be selfish so you try to hide, your sensitivity and emotional soul. Twisted it so badly..that you think now you deserve it, and that anything else is to kind for you. Both a happy and tormented soul you are, with yourself as your own tormentor..” he cooed as he gently kissed her, gently rubbing away her fresh tears with their thumb.”You are the one in my heart, as I am in the one in yours. With me you are safe, I won’t allow anyone to hurt you, not even yourself love. We together as one..” he cooed against her lips, causing her to blush.

“I only love and see you My Lord. I only desire and long for you,” she replied softly. “I am just scared..,” she mumbled, only for them to gently shush her as they replied,”I know you are,but please don’t worry or think to much. I know and see you love, I know you wouldn’t do a thing to intentional hurt me as I would never do the same to you. We are here for one another, remember that,” they cooed as they held her close as he pulled the blankets over them. They needed rest, as it was clear she didn’t sleep well, and they were weary from this early events, and only with her did they feel they would be able to rest well and possible sleep well enough without any nightmares. So holding her close, they managed to get her to gently close her eyes with soft kisses to her eye-lids and falls asleep, with them not far behind her. There hands and fingers lace together around the Love Of Aurelia, as both of them felt safe and loved in one another’s arms.

[gooddays45]

LOVE ❤ Liveing in my head is

like liveing in a old fashioned beautiful romantic story book, longing for the romance and fairy book tale endings I still but thought they were only in my dreams; the fiction in side my own head, a made up land they even I knew could or never would exist in real life, at least not for me. I've been really single for fourteen years, I had lost myself and grew what seemed accustomed to living alone without my prince charming to love me he didnt exist here not in this world, only mine. Being alone and living to die seems to create the most unwanted feelings but still there is no need for compromise because it seems that you just know all is lost anyway and happiness would only be a dream ; like the one in own mind, I was sure it only existed here; here in my story's, my books and fantasies , if something so wonderful really does happen , well it certainly wouldn't happen to me ; no not someone like me.

Beaten and broken as I had ever been ,struggling for understanding and a little bit of compassion. eventually I would have to break free from the heartless monster that bound me in chains and cursed by an unloving intolerable soul , one as deep and dark as the things that lurk underneath your bed at night.

The time had come I knew I couldnt take any more, my long forgotten good spirit now broken and laughed at, tormented and ridiculed for the onse own peculiar entertainment. His love was like a pitch fork stabbing all the good left inside , taking away all that I had accomplished all I had worked for and everything that made me smile;

Change had to come and I knew that it was now.

This is somewhat like a dream , not reality as we know it, a game of some sort, magic or maybe just a cruel joke ; it's a fallen world between real and unreal . Choose your poison; fiction , fantasy, truth, love or intervention . The monster reverted to his familiar dark hiding place and well I was left here ,just not knowing, I bleed maney hours and to many days from the physiological abuse that bashed my brain one too many times, i hit the ground I regrettably thaught I was down for good. As soon as anger helped me breathe, I then found strength and I then remembered who I am and with that I picked up my own broken self; I recovered the knowledge that helped me achieve my inner peace , love, kindness ,understanding and compassion all the things mother and father gave me that the one above gave them; all the attributes we all need to survive and live a natural long life. Without positivity I could only be filled with empty darkness, without love I am only filled with hate, with out compassion I am selfish and with out understanding I am ignorant and then with all this there is no kindness. I opened my mind and I chose a new life the one I dreamed about the one that can only happen in fairytales, the one that really truely happened; yes it , the unthinkable, wonderful thing ,it happened for me . Me I'm none special but all I had to do was listen a little closer and as I did It was then that I completely and wholeheartedly understood and now my real life fairy tale bigins.

With knowledge of his feelings revealed , I knew the only action to rise would only be me own, even with tears that stained my face and some darkness that still lingered I called his feeling out and knew mine have been the same and revealed those as well. I give you my voice for that is my truth, I contribute understanding because I hurt to, I offer you kindness and compassion because we need it to survive and finally I said I offer love so we wont live in darkness and suffer in our own living hell. With love and light is gratitude I'm thankful for you everyday and can not imagine living life without you.

You my love brought me out from my self , you cared for me and then I loved.... it was understanding that helped me believe; you gave me hope ,kindness and gratitude brought smiles and laughter day in and day out, Oh my sweetest dearest friend how could I Not spend the rest of my life with you?, how could I even find peace or contentment without your wonderful soul experiencing life togeather ss er both know it is written ; how are we ever to fill in the missing pieces and even then what's our future like with dark spaces blocking our path?

Its Devine and simple to refuse would be like throwing your own destiny away to except this storybook ending all you need to do is listen and you shall be granted with all the love ,peace and happiness that anyone on earth could ever bestow.

Searching wasn't needed , it just took me to time to learn my lessons

for then my ears and eyes opened and realized my prince charming was alway just right there.

True story but a fairytale ❤

NOT THE END

TO BE CONTINUED !

[pinetreesandmangos]

Tired bruh

Toxic relationships happen more frequently than I would like to believe. I have been through two in my 23 years, and trust me, you really never see them coming. After the first one, people start to look at you differently. They question whether you welcome the abuse with open arms, or they draw the conclusion you made everything up in your head. I can’t express how frustrating that feeling is, only women who have experienced this can understand. In fact, sometimes it gets so bad I even question myself.

My two abusers were vastly different from each other in every way imaginable, except one. They both convinced me I was a liar. To be fair, I do lie pretty frequently. I lie about what I’m doing so I don't have to pick up phone calls from people I don't feel like talking too. I lie about how much I workout because I don't feel like being judged for how painfully lazy I really am. Sometimes, I even lie to my mother about how I’m doing in university.

I do not lie about where I am to my partner, nor have I ever hidden a criminal record from a loved one. I have never lied about raping unconscious girls at parties, or tried to cover up hitting my partner. None of that even matters though.

This isn't a cry for validation or attention either, I don't need either of those from any of you. I want people to understand how fucked up in the head I am, but also why.

Our entire relationship was me taking the blame for everything that went wrong. Eventually, I got used to it. The more I got accustomed to it, the more I slowly convinced myself everything was my fault. The more I was convinced, the more people around me started to believe I was problem as well. He won a little bit more every day, permanently instilling into my head that was a monster who didn't deserve love from anyone who could actually treat me right.

So, I stayed with someone who treated me like garbage because thats what I believed I deserved.

He forced my to switch seats with him at a DUI checkpoint, which I was charged with. He told my family I crashed my car, which he crashed drunkenly driving to a work interview after losing his last job. He told our friends I asked him to have a threesome after he tried to screw a lesbian chick on our bed. He hit me and told me he understood why I had been hit before him. He forced me to get an abortion, pay for it, and take the pill alone while he tried to hit on my doctor. Instead of loving me, he convinced everyone I was unlovable.

None of that mattered though, because in the end I was the cheating, lying slut who should only be taken at face value, and nothing more.

Because I slept with my manager.

The only person on the face of the Earth that saw through him and his lies, and saw me. My family, my friends, my teachers, no one saw through him, but my manager. This was the person who gave me the excuse to finally walk away, the best gift anyone has ever given me. We broke up, he broke into my apartment. He destroyed everything I owed. He damaged my car, my manager’s car, and he sent another one of my friends to the emergency room. He hacked into my Snapchat and Uber to try and find me.

The cops never took pictures of my apartment, nor did they take a statement from my friends. They never tried to find him, they never even called me back. I called the detective almost a hundred times to try and file a restraining order. I emailed. Nothing.

He has priors, he even has warrants in three states. He has raped three people I know personally prior to me. His ex girlfriend confirmed he did identical things to her that he did to me.

No ones cares.

Not about me, not about the other girls. Not about the current girl.

Because we asked for it, right?

I am fucking tired of our broken system, I am fucking tired of being quiet. I am fucking tired of rolling over and taking the blame.

I am not afraid of him anymore.

[cagetheelaphant]

tired bruh

Toxic relationships happen more frequently than I would like to believe. I have been through two in my 23 years, and trust me, you really never see them coming. After the first one, people start to look at you differently. They question whether you welcome the abuse with open arms, or they draw the conclusion you made everything up in your head. I can’t express how frustrating that feeling is, only women who have experienced this can understand. In fact, sometimes it gets so bad I even question myself.

My two abusers were vastly different from each other in every way imaginable, except one. They both convinced me I was a liar. To be fair, I do lie pretty frequently. I lie about what I’m doing so I don't have to pick up phone calls from people I don't feel like talking too. I lie about how much I workout because I don't feel like being judged for how painfully lazy I really am. Sometimes, I even lie to my mother about how I’m doing in university.

I do not lie about where I am to my partner, nor have I ever hidden a criminal record from a loved one. I have never lied about raping unconscious girls at parties, or tried to cover up hitting my partner. None of that even matters though.

This isn't a cry for validation or attention either, I don't need either of those from any of you. I want people to understand how fucked up in the head I am, but also why.

Our entire relationship was me taking the blame for everything that went wrong. Eventually, I got used to it. The more I got accustomed to it, the more I slowly convinced myself everything was my fault. The more I was convinced, the more people around me started to believe I was problem as well. He won a little bit more every day, permanently instilling into my head that was a monster who didn't deserve love from anyone who could actually treat me right.

So, I stayed with someone who treated me like garbage because thats what I believed I deserved.

He forced my to switch seats with him at a DUI checkpoint, which I was charged with. He told my family I crashed my car, which he crashed drunkenly driving to a work interview after losing his last job. He told our friends I asked him to have a threesome after he tried to screw a lesbian chick on our bed. He hit me and told me he understood why I had been hit before him. He forced me to get an abortion, pay for it, and take the pill alone while he tried to hit on my doctor. Instead of loving me, he convinced everyone I was unlovable.

None of that mattered though, because in the end I was the cheating, lying slut who should only be taken at face value, and nothing more.

Because I slept with my manager.

The only person on the face of the Earth that saw through him and his lies, and saw me. My family, my friends, my teachers, no one saw through him, but my manager. This was the person who gave me the excuse to finally walk away, the best gift anyone has ever given me. We broke up, he broke into my apartment. He destroyed everything I owed. He damaged my car, my manager’s car, and he sent another one of my friends to the emergency room. He hacked into my Snapchat and Uber to try and find me.

The cops never took pictures of my apartment, nor did they take a statement from my friends. They never tried to find him, they never even called me back. I called the detective almost a hundred times to try and file a restraining order. I emailed. Nothing.

He has priors, he even has warrants in three states. He has raped three people I know personally prior to me. His ex girlfriend confirmed he did identical things to her that he did to me.

No ones cares.

Not about me, not about the other girls. Not about the current girl.

Because we asked for it, right?

I am fucking tired of our broken system, I am fucking tired of being quiet. I am fucking tired of rolling over and taking the blame.

I am not afraid of him anymore.

[trashpocket]

WolfStar

The full moon was nearing, as if it were heartbeats away from grasping over his being and changing him into a monster that fell under its control. Perhaps, it was, but Remus Lupin had enough time. It was just a few more days away, and that was enough time for him to build himself up, right? 

 But, he couldn't. After what had happened last time with himself—Moony— attacking Padfoot with no conscious realisation of what he had done, he couldn't.

 He was hurting his friends, and in the process, hurting himself and he didn't want to continue further. The scars he made were nothing compared to the stitches in his heart. His friends were the only people who saw him bare, but he couldn't bare enough of himself to all of them.

 Especially Sirius, since every time they were outside to play in the sun, he was the only one who understood his desolation. Sirius knew how dangerous it was to be left in the confines of your own mind, because he was no stranger to loneliness.

 He knew how dangerous it was when the very things you fear are in your head and you can't escape it. 

 Remus fiddled with the end of his jumper, the darkness masking his figure as he listened to the soft breaths of each of his friends in their room. Except for one.

 His heart was beating with the very life that filled his cheeks with a smile.

 "Padfoot?" Remus muttered, his voice bouncing into the ear of the other. "You awake?" 

 "Yeah, Moony, I'm awake," Sirius grinned in the dark, and Remus could feel it. "Why're you awake, again? Nightmare?" 

 Remus made a sound of indignation, turning away his head, but nodding subtly. Sirius could see him nod, the light of the nearly full moon slipping through the window, and basking Remus's figure with a serene beauty still unseen to his eye.

 It took Sirius's breath away. 

 How broken someone could be in the light of the moon, yet whole with a heart that chewed on itself. Remus Lupin was the only one who though Remus Lupin was ugly, unlovable, and a monster. 

 Sirius wanted to tell him otherwise.

 "Want me to come over?" Sirius asked softly, his care shining through Remus in the dark, and it made his heart clench how childish a question that was, yet filled with every love a kid can muster.Sirius was a kid, forced to grow up. 

 Yet, he loved with a full heart like a kid could.

 Sirius never lost his heart. 

 "Sure," Remus breathed out, lying back on his bed while propping up another pillow for Sirius. Besides, Sirius was like a puppy who loved to cuddle. 

 "What was your nightmare about again?" Sirius whispered, reaching a hand out to grasp the dark. "Was it about the moon again?"

 "No," Remus answered quietly, his throat bobbing as he tried to keep the truth bubbled in. Sirius's grey eyes searched his face, and tried to look into his eyes that tried to avoid him, and Sirius could see the answer clearly. He didn't have to voice it out loud, but he wanted to. 

 His throat tightened.

 "It was about me...." Sirius whispered, the words daunting and dreadful as it met the air. Remus kept quiet, confirming Sirius’s suspicions and he tried to seal his mouth shut as Sirius then scooted closer to him in the bed. Remus could feel his warmth. 

“Why?” Sirius muttered into Remus’s shoulder. “Was it about last time? You know it was just a bit of a scratch,” Sirius lowered his head, and it made Remus suck a sharp breath in on how innocent Sirius’s words were. How untainted they were, unlike the prejudices his family had. 

Remus wanted to tear them apart limb from limb for scarring  a boy who was but a child who wanted love and affection from the very people who cared for him. 

All for Sirius. 

“Yes...” Remus turned to Sirius, a light sheen of tears glistening in his eyes. “I hurt you, Padfoot...I nearly killed you,” Remus whispered his sorrow into the wind as he softly padded his fingers onto the scar on Sirius’s shoulder that stretched down to who knows where. 

Sirius sighed, grasping his hand softly in his and revelling in the warmth that encased him. He put Remus’s hand on his head, and prompted Remus to comb his fingers through his silky black hair. It was something they both did all the time that humoured James and baffled Peter. 

But Remus was fine with doing it. 

“I’m a monster Sirius....” Remus whispered, closing his eyes as the tears started building up. “I’m dangerous...” 

“I think you said ‘beautiful’ wrong, Moony,” Sirius muttered. 

Remus stared at him with an emotion he couldn’t quite decipher. His heart was beating, and so was Sirius’s, and he was the only one who could hear it. 

The rapid beat of his heart was loud, and Remus was filled with such utter joy that he could be the only one to hear it in his ears. But, the moon was shining out tonight, and it would be full until a few days. 

He would become a monster. 

“But, I hurt you...” he whispered feebly. 

Sirius sighed once again. “So what if you hurt me? It was nothing!” 

“But I’m a monster!” 

“So, then, you are a monster!” 

Silence followed their words soon after, Remus shaking with trepidation that perhaps he heard Sirius wrong. 

“W-what?” 

“You are a monster, Remus,” Sirius whispered harshly, “But not all monsters are evil. There are monsters who can love, and there are monsters who could be loved.” 

Sirius stared through him.

“And you are both, Remus....You just have to stop looking at your scars in the mirror, and look at who you are scarred with. We may be both different, but we have the same scars here,” he pointed to his chest, and Remus’s own heart swelled with an affection he could not name, for he hadn’t felt it before. 

“You just have to stop tearing it apart, and let me in, Rem...otherwise, the Remus that I’ve known will fade into a shell, and my best friend who I also loved would disappear with him...and I....I can’t do that to my heart, nor can you to your’s...”

“Sirius,” Remus wiped away the tears that spilled down his cheeks. His heart and mind couldn’t come up with words of the joy and fulfilment he felt, but it didn’t matter about the words anymore. 

What mattered was him...Sirius.

“Just don’t lose sleep over me anymore, Moony...otherwise, I’ll be fading too,” Sirius whispered. 

They stared at each other for a moment, searching for something they both wanted, and searching for something they had both sought for a long time. 

It was there. 

“Rem...I...” Sirius opened his mouth, but no words could form his affection.

“Sirius...?” Remus couldn’t say anything either. This was all to new, and they both wanted it. But, they were too afraid to bare themselves to each other without shattering their hearts. 

Both their “I love you’s” died on their lips, and no whisper was uttered into the air. They both wanted to say it, but they couldn’t. Their lips were sealed shut, and their minds locked up, but all they wanted to do was to rip their chests open and tear out their heart for the other to see with no distractions. 

They wanted to bare their hearts to each other, but being broken was too hard to offer. 

And they both were shattered.

“We should go to sleep...” Sirius breathed, and Remus nodded. For now, their hearts weren’t ready to be offered just yet. There were too many things to worry about, that their hearts weren’t simply something to concern over. 

But for now, they were content and positive that their hearts beat for each other. 

“Goodnight, Padfoot,” Remus closed his eyes. 

“Night, Moony,” Sirius whispered, and with one last courage of a Gryffindor, pressed his lips onto Remus’s forehead, and it lingered there. It faded into nothing as sleep overcame them, but Remus was positive he could remember his lips on his forehead. 

And the moon wept for them, as it was the only person to see them as they both bared their souls and he was the only one to see their breaking hearts.  And he wasn’t more happier as  he sent whispers into the wind and his faint light shining over their figures. 

He was able to witness two souls harmonise, and he didn’t care.