#when I draw mori style drawings with people I try to keep in mind to diversify them

[nacaharachuya]

boycaca: (Im hoping you can answer to my submissions now since im assuming the reason you weren’t able to previously was bc i had to verify my email… smh i sat there trying to figure out how to do it for a few minutes man I’m telling you I’m in my boomer era 😭☝️

ANYWAYS watching you talk about how the idea/possibility of dazai being fit is not completely bonkers since he’s not actually weak and how bones twinkified him and took away his broad shoulders on twitter gives me life. You’re so right. They made my guy SKELETAL (alongside every other character tbh) in the anime and i cannot forgive that

Listen i get the prettyboy dazai belief I completely understand it but.. aurgh HANDSOME dazai is sumn else… i will forever cling to the idea that dazai is more of a handsome prettyboy than a beautiful prettyboy like a lifeline (does that even make sense) like i want harukawa to draw dazai without his shirt off not in a horny way but because i gotta see his shoulders underneath those clothes PLEASE 🙏 (okay so maybe i do say this in a horny way… only a little)

Istg if i were to achieve my dream art style i would draw dazai all day everyday you dont even understand. I’d probably start drawing the mf on my walls at some point because the way i would draw him similarly to spike from cowboy bebop is insane. Spike is one of the very few fictional characters that i am actually attracted to and despite the fact that i am not attracted to any bsd character i am so set on believing that dazai has a similar vibe to him. I can just feel it in my bones my skin my soul theres something about dazai that COULD be like spike. If i just tweaked him a liiiiiittle bit… the dazai i imagine in my mind would end up as another fictional crush (delusional) )

boycaca i think we're like the same person cause I LITERALLY AGREE SO HARD??!?!?!?!?!?! They twinked a lot of characters because bones decided to animate it differently than they had other mangas at that point. Usually, they were super good with staying on point with the style of the manga like noragami or vanitas or fma but GODDAMN THEY DROPPED THE BALL INTO ACID OR SOMETHING WITH BSD. harukawas style is so fluid and beautiful so maybe it would be harder for them to animate, but the extreme body changing I just hate. It's not only dazai ofc there's several other characters that got nerfed but dazai they sillified and twinkified and that has made me so sad.

I also just want to see them all lined up with their body types and SPIKE SPIEGEL FITS DAZAI SO WELL?? COWBOY BEBOP IS ONE OF MY ULT FAVS AND DAZAI AND SPIKE ARE WEIRDLY SIMILAR YOU GET IT!!!!!!!!!! The body type is broader shoulders and a slimmer waist (which tbh is just more of a masculine body type ik) is what dazai has but bones makes them look so...sick and skinny. I'm the world's biggest hater for them taking away the broad shoulders. like I think dazai has a natural classic beauty to him that makes him pleasant to look at because he's got an easy-to-digest face, but he is ultimately handsome. I have a few artists that have drawn him perfectly in my mind and it fits with his description of being a tall, lean, handsome man [look up @byuntaman on twt their dazai and chuu is perfect] I don't see him as very weak because there really is no basis to it when you are comparing him to chuuya. Chuuya's job was to bring the brawn and he was expected of that from the time of being with the Sheep, so naturally, when he's in the mafia he's going to keep up his reputation of being THE STRONG DUDE. It's unfair to compare Dazai to him tbh. Also, the pm trains their members, I'm guessing Dazai would go through that because Mori is not going to be willing to lose him from lack of prep. Yes, dazai is smart, but smarts don't get you out of a chokehold T_T.

I could rant about this all day long, but I think people just live with silly dazai too much and forget he's a capable person who can also defend himself and not just by manipulating the situation. It's a little far-fetched to think dazai can control EVERYTHING to the point of basically winning fights with his mind. like. no.

[cornflakesdoesart]

Hey! I’m a begginer artist and I love your art (I especially enjoy the cats and the clothes you paint). I wanted to know where do you look for references on clothes, since i really enjoy the style and I want to practice more. Thak you!

Hi! Thank you for liking my art! <3

The style I’m inspired by is called “mori kei” , it’s a Japanese alternative fashion, the name means “forest” ( mori)  kei ( not exactly sure what it means, but it’s put after fashion style names such as “visual kei” or “fairy kei”), it’s supposed to emulate the style of someone living in the forest, hand making all their clothes. 

search the tags “mori kei”, “mori girl”, “mori boy”, “dark mori” , “natural kei”( a more colorful version of the fashion) “mori kei fashion” etc on tumblr, insta and pinterest (a lot of times the pinterest ones are reposts from insta or tumblr so be sure to follow them through to their sources, let’s give them people love for their outfits <3)

check out  @kesstiel ‘s or @mai-magi ‘s mori kei or dark mori tags, they also have insta accounts with the same handle, but mai-magi doesn’t really dresses in the mori style anymore.

also check out @catinawitchhat also on insta with the same handle, she seems to be inactive on tumblr but is very active in instagram, I love love love her style!! big inspo for me, not just for moriesque outfits!

My other biggest inspiration, and I think some of mori kei is inspired by that as well is folk wear!! Especially Hungarian and eastern europian folk dress, but also anything with the same “vibe” like northern europian and midlle eastern , or mongolian or manjurian traditional dress are also sources of inspiritaion. uhh maybe check out my pinterest board “folk stuff”? If you look at my blog on desktop there’s a “menu” bar at the top , I have my pinterest link there  👍😶

So yeah! These are the keywords you can use and places you can look, hope it helps!

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

Midnight ball | Chuuya x reader |

Midnight Ball | Chuuya x reader | (female reader)

I feel like I'm doing Chuuya dirty with this one-

Warnings- references to some NSFW themes, inferred attempted rape, mentions of drug use.

(really hesitant on actually posting this... nothing happens, but I don't wanna make people too uncomfortable)

Undercover missions were normal in the port mafia. Every once in a while they would come up. You went on a lot of these missions. Even the ones you didn’t care for.

The air was brisk, not too cold, but not a comfortable warmth either. It wasn’t every day you were called in on what should have been your day off. The clouds covered the noon sun, keeping its warmth tucked away. It felt as if it may rain. Maybe snow would fall with how cold the air was. The trees were bare of their leaves and the grass slowly warping to brown. The winter flowers, in full bloom. You shivered tugging the scarf closer as you walked towards the black buildings. Stepping inside was bliss, the air warm and welcoming. You walked slowly towards the elevator stepping inside as it carried you to the level Mori’s office was.

Making your way into the office, your eyes landed on the short male you had become close to. Running a hand through your hair you looked to Mori. “Ya know it’s my day off right? This better be important.” you had guts talking to your boss like this. Elise snickered from the corner of the large room, drawing a picture. Most likely something rather disturbing, as she tended to do.

You hadn’t noticed it before, but Chuuya’s face was contorted in both disgust and anger. Whatever this was, gave him quite displeasure. “He’s having us go undercover. Instead of picking another female… he’s making me wear a fucking dress.” his eyes narrowed in Mori's direction.

“Well, you work well with (y/n). I carefully considered members like Kouyou, but none of them matched what I needed for the minor mission." Mori grinned as Chuuya huffed, crossing his arms.

You tried to imagine him in a dress, but the only thing that you could think of was Kouyou, considering they did both have ginger hair. Shrugging you grabbed Chuuya’s hand, tugging him away. You figured he could brief you on the mission later.

~

As the sun fell under the horizon, and the moon took its place in night's embrace, the two of you settled inside the limo. Chuuya’s arms were crossed as he tugged on the dress. His eyes set in heavy glares. His hair happened to be up in a neat bun. It had taken a lot of fighting and shouting that could have deafened somebody. He was even dolled up with light specks of makeup. The red dress suited his form, his height made it ideal for heels. He already had a feminine figure, so there wasn’t much you needed to do to pass him as a female. He kept squirming around glaring at you. “How the fuck do girls wear these dreaded things.” he hissed, referring to the corset hidden beneath the silk he wore.

Snickering you shrugged leaning back. “They say beauty is pain,” you hummed, leaning back in your seat. This wasn’t ideal for you either. You much preferred to be slightly dressed down from this. Looking as fancy as you did now wasn’t modest, and it sure wasn’t something you liked to wear. You were sucking it up so why couldn’t Chuuya? Could he really be all that uncomfortable? “I could loosen it a bit.” you offered, but Chuuya shook his head staring at himself. He had mastered heals within a handful of moments so you weren’t worried about him tripping. The real challenge would be flirting with the target.

This was a two-person job due to the size of the party and the security around the target. One of you would distract the guards while the other smooth-talked their way into a private area with the target. They would either get the extent of the information this person had managed to take early this morning or silence him. You two hadn’t decided who would be doing what. It was more one of those whoever gets there first situations. The car pulled up to the entrance just as your thoughts finished. Stepping onto the ground you waited for Chuuya. The clunk of his heels on the pavement were steady and even. You went to remind him about his expression, but he rolled his eyes. “I know, no scowling, glaring, or yelling.”

You smiled gripping the edge of the dress, pulling it up so you could walk the stairs without tripping on the (f/c) fabric. Your hair was down but pinned in specific places. “Don’t forget, no swearing. We have to act ladylike Chu.” clicking his tongue, he pinched the fabric of his dress and walked up after you. Entering the large mansion you were escorted to the ballroom. Standing at the railing that overlooked the floor you smiled. Never in your life had you been to one of these. You truly wanted to participate at least a little.

Chuuya noticed the excited glimmer of your eyes and grabbed your hand. Tonight, you both were trying to pass as two female teenage siblings whose parents wanted a night alone. Without a boyfriend, the two of you showed up alone. A naive action when it came to noble parties. These were incredible to get into. You had to have power and money somewhere. He pulled you down the stairs, flashing you a small smile. He wouldn’t admit but this wasn’t that bad. He didn’t mind the corset or the way the dress flowed in the wind. He minded the hair since he always wore it in one specific style. He’d done this once before with Dazai but doing this with you was different. Probably because he wasn’t being forced to be the fiance this time. “We might as well try to enjoy ourselves.” he was surprisingly skilled at keeping his voice higher in pitch. There were a few occasional slips, but he sounded somewhat feminine.

Smirking you pulled him to the food table. “I’d say you're actually enjoying yourself Chu.” his eyes narrowed for a second before playfully hitting your shoulder.

“Sure I am.” he huffed looking over the table of snacks. He grabbed one of the tea-sandwiches and took small bites. Despite how he tried to enjoy himself, he was focused on the mission. There was still no sign of the target. Two older-looking gentlemen came up to the pair of you, holding their hands out.

“Would you two care for a dance?” Chuuya’s mouth twitched to snarl, but he quickly put on a smile despite how much he wanted to string profanities. You glanced at him, inhaling softly, you tapped his shoulder as if to reassure him.

“Depends~ how old do you think we are?” you two had decided on your roles already. To spare Chuuya some dignity you would try to be the more seductive while he played the part of the shyer, more innocent twin. Since he was a boy playing a girl, he matched the innocent child-like stereotype well, considering he didn’t have breasts.

One of the men standing in front of you chuckled lightly. “Teens, though it’s not like we're hitting on you. We simply wish to take you for a dance. You appear lonely.” Chuuya was sick to his stomach already. The last time he’d done this he didn’t have to deal with these situations because Dazai had been there. Yet, as he looked to you, he tilted his head. Your hand grabbed the man's as you looked back to Chuuya.

“Trust me, it’ll be fun. There aren't any men our age, so trust me.” the act flew softly off your lips. There was a hidden motion when you flicked your ankle. It would have passed as your feet were slightly sore to anybody else. Chuuya glanced to the railing, spotting the target. He nodded, faking a smile as the two of you entered the dance floor.

With every pulse of the music, you got closer and closer to the edge. Your eyes tracing for the amount of guards. Though based on what you were observing you had both already found them. It was a widely known fact your target had a thing for younger females. Not young like Elise but teenagers who appear frail. You and Chuuya most definitely looked the part tonight. Dipping you back your eyes met Chuuya's, a smirk crossing both of your expressions. When you returned to the normal position you switched partners.

Things started going slightly south from there. While you two had managed to keep your dancing rather close to one another, you were starting to drift apart now. Chuuya moved closer to the stairwell, while you made your way towards the back doors. Despite how you tried to move back towards him, your dance partner kept you moving in that direction. Eventually, you noted what was going on. Occasionally these types of missions had unexpected twists. This was one of those twists. You hadn’t thought to watch for other predators. Trying to rip your hands from his you glared. “I ought to get back to my sister.” you wove innocence into your voice, but he paid no mind as if he had not heard you. As the music ended, the rough grip that had succeeded in pulling the two of you apart let go. A silent satisfactory smirk placed over his lips. Walking from you he headed back to find another dancing partner.

Walking around you began to search for Chuuya among the crowd. Innocently asking couples and other women if they had seen a short, rather young-looking female ginger dressed in red. They had shaken their heads but one couple pointed towards the stairs. You curtsied respectfully, racing to the stairs only to be stopped by the two men you had previously been dancing with. Batting your eyelashes you explained somebody had seen your sister walk up these stairs not too long ago.

You couldn’t help but feel worried despite knowing Chuuya could handle himself with the utmost care. He was strong both physically and ability-wise. You bit the inside of your cheek figuring, they probably weren't idiots. If they had separated the two of you they had to think you already knew something was up. You'd probably made that worse when you tried pulling away in the dance. The high-heels were beginning to get rather annoying. They were difficult to run in, jumping would probably result in a twisted ankle if you don't land perfectly. You made sure to blend away into the crowd. Losing their eyes you slipped through doors until you made it into a hallway. Laying out the map of the building in your head you walked the halls trying to find the staircase leading upstairs. You had to dodge behind corners to avoid security. It took you close to ten minutes to finally reach the stairs. There were so many rooms it would be difficult to find which one to enter. You narrowed it down to two in your head. The others would be a waste of time, the two you had narrowed it to were close to the ballroom, small, and were bar areas. Off-limits to party-goers as well. There would be no interruptions to their perverted actions.

You looked around, spotting a guard, you gripped the edge of your glove with your teeth. Walking up as if you were scared you began to stumble purposely over words. “I-i think I’m lost. I needed the ladies room and I couldn't find my sis or the ballroom.” faking tears as you got closer, the security officer's eyes softened as you approached. Taking you as a younger female instead of an adult, he offered out his hand. You gripped it before smirking as your ability activated. Moving your hand away, you tilted your head. “Sleep,” you commanded them. They fell to the floor with a thud. Grabbing the gun from their belt you checked that the safety was on. Assured it was you stashed it in your dress. Walking to the first room you burst inside finding no sign anybody had been there, you closed the door.

Making your way to the next option you pressed an ear to the door. Whispers and the sound of metal sent you to a light panic. Glaring at the door you pulled the gun out and switched the safety off. Entering the room you pointed the gun only to hear clicks follow. Your eyes darted to the sound. “So there were four.” snarling you entered and shut the door with your heel. Your mind began thinking of every way to get away from this situation. You lowered your gun with a defeated sigh. Letting it drop to the floor, one of the guns pressed to your head. Their hand grabbed your wrist as you looked to the mop of passed-out ginger.

“Damn idiot,” you hissed knowing this was probably the result of drugging. There was no way in hell he’d be beaten by mere ability-less scum. Shoved to the floor you glared. Your hands were pulled above you. Looking to the side you snickered at the poor idiot who touched your skin. “Kill your boss,” you commanded and their body dropped you and turned to the person whose hands were on your love interest. When the next guy pointed the gun at you, you swept them off their feet, whistled, and pointed. “Shoot them.” with another fire, two of three were dead. “Now shoot yourself.” and so they ended up three of three. Tossing off the heels you made your way over to Chuuya. Checking his pulse you rolled your eyes.

You lifted him in your arms before leaving the bloody scene. Your dress was now stained with splatters of crimson. Jumping from the window, then to a tree, and down, you placed Chuuya in the limo. Grabbing a bottle of water you opened his mouth and poured it down his throat. He stirred a bit, his head falling on your shoulder. Blushing lightly you found the back of his dress was open and the corset already loosened. “Got there just in time.” you sighed as the limo pulled to your small apartment. Lifting him you carried him inside. Dropping him to the bed you sat on the opposite side of the bed.

It took three hours before his eyes fluttered open. Holding his head, he glanced at you. “Why the fuck are you here?” of course his first words would be aggressive. He could hide it all he wanted by the shiver of his body and the way his hands moved to his back made it clear. Finding the strings and ribbon undone as well as torn his eyes widened for a fraction.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting to be separated like that.” you played around with your gloves looking back at him you pulled a thing of makeup wipes from the side table. Tossing it to him, you sighed. “I hope you don’t mind, I had Dazai lock pick your door and get you your usual clothes.” he couldn’t even be mad at you for letting that bastard into his house. His mind was still focused on recollecting what had happened. He was beyond humiliated. He should have seen it coming. “I should have gotten there faster. They shouldn’t have been able to even get that close. I’m so sorry Chuuya! I’ll talk to Mori about not putting you on these types of missions. I know you're mad but please… say something.” you twirled a strand of your hair on your finger.

“I should have been prepared.” he looked away from you before feeling your arms around his body. Your head laid in the crook of his neck as you shook your head violently. He felt something wet soil, the shoulder of his dress. Turning so he could pick your head up, he blinked, startled to see the water dripping from your eyes. “You’re crying?” he sounded baffled, confused even.

“I should have let you be yourself! If I hadn’t pushed you to act like an innocent defenseless child, that situation would have been different.'' Chuuya gripped your shoulders laughing lightly as he shook his head. “You didn’t even have a good time! You hated being there.”

“No, no, (y/n)... I... Fuck!” he was bad at words, so as he tried forming the correct words he kept shaking his head. “I enjoyed spending time with you! I’d prefer to accompany you as a man next time. Neither of us are at fault. Missions go south. Nobody got hurt, sure I feel like an idiot, I’m utterly humiliated that I let my guard down and got drugged up, but nothing happened.” he pressed his forehead against yours, his thumb wiping away the tears on your cheeks.

This was out of character for him, but it was a side only you gotta see. He hated seeing you break down or get upset over things you had no control over. His hands wrapped around your ungloved ones. Your skin touches him with a small shyness. “Can I?” he asked watching you nod as his lips passed over yours.

“We both deserve a break from work. How about we tell Mori we are taking two days off?” you hummed looking into his eyes. He smirked and nodded. His lips pressing back to yours in a heated kiss. You pressed him underneath you with a smirk. His face went red as he glared.

“You’re a fucking pervert.” he hissed watching you snicker.

“Wow Chu, I'm so offended.” you leaned back into a kiss as his cheeks turned a brighter shade of red. “Think this makes us a real couple.” he rolled his eyes as you rolled to lay next to him.

“Yeah, I guess.”

[infjsnightmare]

Wedding Aesthetics: Mori

A/N: I was actually kind of going back and forth on whether or not to do this for Mori, since I know the fandom is pretty split on him, but I appreciate a good amoral character and thought what the heck, why not. I think Mori would want his wedding to be a serious affair, but still maintaining some level of fun and amusement. I think he likes darker colors and would choose a dark plum pallet, including maroons and purples, as his wedding colors. I also think he would be conventional in the ceremonial aspects and the flow of the event, while being more relaxed about the details or clothing. He'd go with traditional vows, the whole repeat after me spiel, but I wouldn't put it past Mori to interrupt the priest by starting the vows himself, or telling him to hurry up, much to the amusement of his S/O.

*************************************************

If his S/O is fem: He wouldn't care much about the whole white equals purity thing (he will have Elise in a white flower girl dress against her will), in fact he would probably prefer his lover in something dark with a high amount of sex appeal. He's older and isn't interested in putting on a front for the others around, he wants to see his S/O in something that will please him, so he can tell them how absolutely stunning they are. I think he would want his S/O something that still looks mature and sophisticated, tight fitting to hug her curves. That doesn't mean he doesn't also appreciate a dramatic flourish. A train that flows out around his S/O would be just enough drama without being over the top. I think he would also like her to be in a fabric that has a softer feel to it, like velvet so he has an excuse to keep his hands all over her.

If his S/O is masc: Again, I think he would like his S/O in a darker color, but not black, because that would likely be the color Mori himself would wear. He wouldn't mind the accent color of the suit being black, in fact he'd probably prefer it. I think Mori would try to do the inverse of each other for suit styles, if that makes sense. He would still like a soft texture, something that adds interest to the suit. Mori wouldn't consider smaller details on the suit because their his lover. They stand out fine on their own without any kind of meddling.

Mori & Elise's Clothing: Face it, this man and Elise are a package deal. She may just be his ability, but she is basically now his S/O's adoptive daughter. For himself, Mori would dress in black, with plum accents to match his S/O. I think Mori would stick to the usual style of suit that he wears when conducting Mafia business because he's established that it looks good on him, so why change it. For Elise, he'll want something as girlish and youthful as ever. He'll want her to look like a little angel at the wedding, even if she opposed vehemently. He'd stick to the ballgown silhouette for Elise and probably pair the look with white Mary Jane's. She might be able to talk him down from having all the ribbons and frills as a compromise so she can have something clean cut that she would like.

The Bouquet/Flower Basket: (I don't see Mori much caring to have boutonnieres as he likes the look of the suits the way they are) Mori would want the bouquet to be fairly simplistic. His S/O would be in something form fitting, so a bouquet that's too big would swallow them up. He'd like a darker colored bouquet and wouldn't give much thought to the meaning of the flowers as long as it flowed well with his S/O's attire. He also wouldn't mind the type of bouquet that uses lace and jewels instead of flowers if that is what his S/O wanted. Just so long as it doesn't draw all the attention from his S/O. The flower basket for Elise would be white to match her dress, with some of the plum accents that would tie into his S/O's clothing. He would pick out something extra girly for Elise, despite her best efforts to steer him towards something else. So lace and frills will always be in season to him.

The Rings: The rings are one part of the wedding that Mori actually planned long in advance. He would have picked up antique, vintage rings on one of his trips abroad to Europe. He likes the history behind getting an antique ring as well as how unique they are. He wouldn't stop until he found the one that reminded him of his S/O, scouring every antique and second-hand store he came across until he could get the perfect rings.

The Venue: Anywhere his S/O wants, he has the connections. He would only have his closest mafia members present at his wedding, the executives and a few subordinates that he has a vested interest in. Obviously, his S/O can have as much family and friends as they want, but he would prefer less. He would send an invitation to the ADA mockingly, but would be cordial to them if they actually decided to show up. So, all in all, it's not a large wedding. He wouldn't want a giant space with so few people. He would also probably make it a destination wedding in order to pare down his S/O's invite list. I think he would pick one of the small venues or villas in Italy as his first choice since there tends to be a lot of smaller wedding spaces and beautiful architecture and scenery. Chuuya may or may not have talked about the many draws of Italy for months during Mori's wedding planning, especially to his S/O while running security detail for them.

The Decorations: I think decor is where Mori's romantic side would actually come out. He's used to the tense atmosphere being in the Mafia creates, but he doesn't want his S/O to have to deal with that at their wedding. He would consult Kouyou to help create a soft, intimate atmosphere. Lots of candlelight, with everybody sitting together in close proximity. Simple decorations would help by not creating to much distance between guests, so everyone could have clear lines of sight to everyone else.

The Wedding Cake: Again, Mori won't see the point in a traditionally white cake and would think that a white cake is a little too boring. He would want a very simple cake however because it's just food, so having it in his wedding colors will ensure that it isn't a total snooze fest. I think he would like having the typical 3 tiers and some very simple, yet sophisticated design, but nothing intricate or overly-ornate.

After the Wedding: While everyone else is going to be spending the week in Italy as a vacation, Mori is actually going to whisk his S/O away across Europe. He doesn't want to spend all of their time as a newly married couple surrounded by other people. He'd take his S/O to all around Europe, anywhere that catches their fancy. He's got money to spend no matter where they decide to go. They can get ocean views along the cost, or hike in a mountain, walk along historic streets, try local cuisine and go shopping to their heart's content.

[comunidadarcsystemworks]

Exclusive interview with Arc System Works

We have had the opportunity to interview several key members of Arc System Works. Before we begin, we want to thank Arc System Works America for giving us the opportunity to have this interview.

We will divide the interview into 3 sections: "General", "Daisuke Ishiwatari" and Tosimichi Mori.

General

Q. The first question is going to be a tough one, but the community has been very vocal about it so we would really want to begin with this one. Will GGPO (Good Game Peace Out) be implemented in your next projects? If not, would you consider its implementation at some point in the future? We are not talking specifically about Guilty Gear Strive.

A. We’ve heard your passionate requests, and we’re working on a netcode that will live up to everyone’s expectations.

We’ll have more information for you later.

(Guilty Gear Strive Director: Akira Katano)

Q. Fighting games aside, do Arc System Works has plans to do more action games like Hard Corps in the future? Especially with the Guilty Gear engine. We recently saw Code Shifter as your latest brand new platform action game or your collaboration with Wayforward, which are always welcome.

A. We’d definitely like to try genres other than fighting games, such as action games.

This would include plans to use Arc System Works’ 2.5D animation style in non-fighting games, of course.

However, we don’t have any concrete plans to share at the moment.

(Producer: Takeshi Yamanaka)

Daisuke Ishiwatari:

Q. Thank you so much for taking the time for our questions. Since the announcement at EVO, we are really excited to know more about Guilty Gear Strive, and we have read all the interviews and your philoshophy about this game and its gameplay. So, what would you consider to be the lead factor for this change?

A. Thank you for your excitement about Guilty Gear Strive.

The biggest reason for changing the gameplay is to make a game that can reach the current generation of gamers.

I feel that through previous Guilty Gear titles, we have more or less perfected the Guilty Gear formula.

It may very well be possible to tighten that up and make a further refined game. But, even if we did, such a game would create a disparity between new players and veterans who are used to the game’s systems.

So, we wanted to reset the start line for everyone. But of course, this doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten our appreciation and respect for long-term fans and accomplished players.

Q. One of the main focus seems to be drawing the attention for new players and esports while adapting the HUD and the gameplay/action to everyone so it can be enjoyed by a wider audience. That´s interesting, but how will you make new players invest time in your game and wanting to improve their skills at their own pace? For example Granblue Fantasy Versus could be a good example since it has a big focus on its RPG Mode to do so in case beginners are not doing well while playing online.. Will you take a new approach this time with the Story Mode or single player content?

A. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you anything concrete at the moment.

However, the game will offer an experience of learning and discovery for both new and advanced players. Our game design is even more focused on that now, than ever.

I can’t guarantee that it will make it into the game, but we are also thinking of ways to further strengthen the community.

For example, currently most players aren’t very familiar with the top players.

But if they realized there were stars similar to Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather playing the game, wouldn’t they want to know how that person got so skilled?

We’d like to provide something to help players who aren’t too deeply into the game a way to enjoy it as a whole, like fans do with soccer or basketball.

Q. As of today, we know that you are gathering feedback regarding the main points of the new gameplay so I´ll save it for later, but as for the music, we are noticing a lot of emphasis on vocal tracks. Will this be the Guilty Gear with the biggest number of vocal tracks? will we get new versions of themes like “Holy Orders” or “Give me a break!?

A. Yes, I believe GGST will feature more vocal tracks than any prior title.

That is one of our many decisions in attempting a complete renewal.

We aren’t currently planning vocal arrangements of previous songs, however.

The only example I can think of where that went well would be Queen’s Seven Seas of Rhye.

Of course, if there were enough requests, there are songs I would love to create vocal versions of.

Q. A lot of people are requesting characters from past games like Testament or Bridget, but of course, we know that you can´t confirm any detail by the moment. However, I would like to know if we could get just a small hint about past fighters coming back to the scene.? Can we expect more original characters to be added to the game besides the cyborg samurai from the first teaser?

A. All I can say is, there will be characters from the previous series and this new character too. Please look forward to it!

Q. About the gameplay, as I said earlier, I believe that it's necessary to wait until the beta version for us to have a proper idea about it. Since I still haven´t had the chance to play the game I can just express my opinion as a spectator. I believe the overall gameplay seems interesting according to what you want to achieve but doesn´t the wall break mechanic interrupts the flow of the match a bit too much for the spectators? I feel the same with restricting combo routes, won´t it be monotonous if we ever watch the same, or really similar routes?

A. Don’t worry. The developers are creating GGST with both a casual and hard-core perspective in mind. There may be some aspects that don’t quite satisfy series veterans, but we will create new depth that will motivate them to learn something entirely new.

Also, even if the Beta Test is not well received, you will see our answers to your feedback in the game upon release.

Finally, could you share some words and thoughts to your fans in Spain?

Currently, we are steadily releasing news about GGST. However, the gameplay itself is still very much in development. Our plan is to continue to evolve the game as we receive feedback from the players. Please look forward to it.

Toshimichi Mori:

Thank you so much for giving us the chance to give an answer to our questions. We have read everything that could lead to a future Blazblue or Persona 5 Arena so I´ll try to make interesting questions for everyone.

Q. First of all, I would like to start with Blazblue Alternative Dark War. Will it be possible for you to share some more details about it? Last time I heard from the game I was taking notes at the London Comic Con.  If you can´t share any details, could you give us a hint about when could we know more about the game? Also, I love the sketches that you publish from time to time!

A. Thank you very much.

However, I can’t say much about Dark War right now--only that I, personally, am working so that you guys can play the game as soon as possible. I believe that as long as the players are supporting the project, it will move forward. So please keep talking about it.

Q. Talking about the London Comic Con from last year, I remember that I asked about Alpha 01 and you said that this year we should have news, but this year I want to add something else to the same question. Besides Alpha 01, when could we know something about Gamma 03 as well?

A. I’m really glad that for whatever reason, so many people like Alpha.

I understand some are really looking forward to her making an appearance, but it will be some time… So please wait a little longer.

Q. As of June of 2018 you said in an interview with Gamerevolution that you are saving ideas for future Blazblue and future Persona Arena Projects. Also, in an interview with Gearnuke (January 2020) you said that you would like that your next game will be 2.5D and that the next Blazblue will have new system mechanics. Taking all of this into account, could you please give us further details about what would you like to achieve with a new Persona Arena (which people are really vocal about it) or Blazblue project?

A. I appreciate your enthusiasm. However, I can’t really discuss anything at this moment. Please understand.

Q. Moving on to Blazblue Cross Tag Battle and talking about the same interview from Gearnuke, we read that companies are not approaching you to add their characters in the game. Have you considered “small” companies like Nihon Falcom or Vanillware to see beloved characters like Adol Christin from the YS series or Gwendolyn from a cult classic like Odin Sphere? I feel that they are characters that most of us known or we have heard of but they still didn´t have the chance to shine outside of their games.

A. I get a lot of requests for characters in BBTAG. Honestly, there’s lots of characters I would like to include, myself.

I won’t say it’s impossible for the characters you mentioned to join the cast, but we don’t have any plans for this at the moment. Regardless, I would really like to do some form of collaboration in the future.

Q. Sticking with Blazblue Cross Tag Battle, will we see more characters from RWBY or Senran Kagura? Is there a chance to see Persona 5 characters in the game (unless a Persona 5 Arena is in the works of course) or Kyoko and Misako from River City Girls?

A. We’ve just released Season 2, so we don’t have any definitive plans for the next characters yet.

Right now, we’re still thinking about the next step and listening to everyone’s requests as we work with the current version.

Going back to Blazblue main story, now that the phase C came to an end, and with Rachel´s words being “I shall find you, I promise” at the end of Blazblue Central Fiction… Will we get a follow up to this arc, or it will be a completely new arc? Also, are you planning to do another anime or manga?

A. We are preparing for the start of a new story… Sadly, I can’t guarantee when it will happen. I think that when that new chapter begins, you will understand what Rachel meant.

Finally, could you share some words and thoughts to your fans in Spain?

Thank you for loving the BlazBlue series.

I can feel that love you have, so I hope I can meet all of you in person someday. Thank you for your continued support.

[thearkhound]

1998 Metal Gear Solid art commentary from Yoji Shinkawa (revised translation)

Source:http://web.archive.org/web/20050109031649/http://www.konamijpn.com:80/products/metalgear/art/index.html

The following is a translation of various artwork commentary by Metal Gear Solid illustrator Yoji Shinkawa that were posted on the game’s official Japanese website on July 9, 1998. These pages remained online until 2008, when Konami decided to relaunch the website in order to promote the digital download release of the game on the PlayStation Store.

I posted an earlier translation of these blog posts on March 8 of this year (2019) that was missing most of the illustrations being described, since the image files were not archived. I’ve since found the missing image files on another website and took the liberty of revising my translation to fix mistakes or clarify certain statements. I’ve tried to edit the original blog post, but for some reason tumblr didn’t allow me to upload any new images, so I decided to delete it and post the revision as a new blog post.

I’ve also found the images of the scratch Metal Gear REX model sculpted by Yoji Shinkawa that were uploaded on the official site, but unfortunately they were watermarked by a fansite that copied them back in the day. With that said, it’s still better than nothing, so I added them at the end of this blog poster.

Unfortunately, I still haven’t found any of the photos used on the seventh blog post, so that will still remain untranslated for the time being.

Interviewer: First of all, it’s a pleasure to talk to you Mr. Shinkawa.

Shinkawa: Please to meet you too.

Interviewer: I’ll start by asking about the game’s protagonist Solid Snake. What kind of details were you paying attention to when designing his character.

Shinkawa: Well I talked about this before in Konami Magazine Vol. 2, but there were two Metal Gear games prior to this one, so I struggled to find a balance between them. The Snake in the original Metal Gear looked like a young musclebound guy, while in Metal Gear 2 he was more of a bitter middle-aged man. This time Mr. Kojima’s image of Snake was one of having a tough and athletic body like Jean-Claude Van Damme combined with the middle-aged nature of someone like Christopher Walken. As a result, he became something of a middle ground between the two.

Interviewer: I see. What was your work after Snake’s image was decided on?

Shinkawa: The truth is I had trouble designing his costume. At the beginning I was thinking of a conventional military uniform in blue urban camo. But then I thought it might had been a bit too careless to have Snake swim underwater wearing such a uniform. Since the story takes place in the near future, he ended up wearing a costume made of leather and waterproof material.

Interviewer: It’s an amazing attention to detail that you kept in mind Snake’s infiltration route when designing his costume. So there’s a scene where Snake is underwater? What happens if the Ninja lands in a pond or something?

Shinkawa: What would happen? Huh... He would spark up and then yell something like “Water! My weakness!” (laugh) Just kidding.

Interviewer: (laughs) I guess not.

Shinkawa: It’s hard to know when it comes to Mr. Kojima though...

Interviewer: Don’t worry about it. By the way, is there any behind-the-scenes stories about the game’s development.

Shinkawa: Yes. It’s not much of an inside story, but I drew Ninja in a train.

Interviewer: During a train ride?

Shinkawa: Yes, I drew him while riding a commuter train. I was stationed at Osaka at the time. Most of the people there not friendly, so I would spent time observing the college girls.

Interviewer: That’s pretty nice.

Shinkawa:I guess so. But the friendliness here is good though. But Tokyo doesn’t have such a thing, so it feels a bit lonely. How I should say this, but there’s something that could be described as “enjoying the reaction of people watching in my direction” that could be seen not just over there, but here too.

Interviewer: So that’s how you train your sense of observation!

Shinkawa: No, that’s not what I meant. (laughs)

Interviewer: Is there a type of woman that you like?

Shinkawa: I wonder about that.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, that was such a trite question. Let me rephrase that. Is there a particular celebrity that you like?

Shinkawa: I guess I have no choice. My type would be someone like Shinobu Nakayama.

Interviewer: Is that so? Personally I’m a fan of Yuki Uchida if you’re curious to know...

Shinkawa: Yeah, she’s not bad.

Interviewer: Ah!

Shinkawa: Well, let’s put that subject aside. The truth is that the character of Mei-Ling was actually modeled after Nakayama herself. I used to watch her drama series.

Interviewer: Ah! That’s such an interesting thing to learn. Now that you say that, Mei-Ling really does resemble Nakayama looking at her closely, doesn’t she?

Shinkawa: Mei-Ling was written to be a bubbly college girl. She tends heavily to my taste, since she’s in the right age range and has my ideal image.

Interviewer: That’s nice. Having your preferences tied directly to your job.

Shinkawa: It’s not just mine. The character of Dr. Naomi Hunter was made to suit Mr. Kojima’s preferences too.

Interviewer: I see. Huh? At this rate, will you have a type for everyone?

Shinkawa: That wasn’t the intention, but... (laughs)

Interviewer: When was this drawn?

Shinkawa: I think it was around the end of last year. Huh? Around six months ago. Time sure fly quickly! I drew it for a magazine ad.

Interviewer: I heard the Ninja was your idea.

Shinkawa:That’s right. But originally there was a trio. They would say something like “Worya! Trinity Attack!” and they were going to have random kanji characters on their backs such as flame (炎) or horse (馬) without any particular significance.

Interviewer: “Fire” doesn’t seem so unreasonable, but why “horse”?

Shinkawa: I’ve mentioned “horse” as a joke, but that sort of thing happens very often, doesn’t it? When it comes to the image of Japan from a foreign perspective, while the outline is the same, the finer details differ. I like that kind of thing. The finalized design of the Ninja is and isn’t a ninja. If nobody told you he was a ninja, you wouldn’t think of him as one. But if someone points out that he must be a ninja because he has some ninja-like parts if you look at him closely, then you might think of him as one.

Interviewer: Is that so? That’s the Shinkawa magic!

Shinkawa: (laughs) What’s that?

Interviewer: I think I’ve seen this artwork a long time ago.

Shinkawa: It was first published around a year ago.

Interviewer: I see. So why did you draw it like an American comic book?

Shinkawa: Well, in reality I was going for a BD-style. Doesn’t it look like that?

Interviewer: I’m sorry, but what does BD mean?

Shinkawa: It stands for bande dessinée, which is the term for graphic novels in France. It means “sequential art”.

Interviewer: Huh, I did not know. So, is there a particular reason why you chose the BD-style?

Shinkawa: Of course! There is a reason. While talking to Mr. Kojima during the early stages, he said “Alright! Let’s turn Metal Gear into B.D” as a conceptual image. So I drew a few illustrations like that. This one was used as promotional art.

Interviewer: I see. So that’s the reason. And this one was perfect for a promotional artwork. Huh! Why is Gatse Becker [the BCPD chief from Policenauts] there?

Shinkawa: That’s not him. (laughs) It’s the Secretary of Defense [Jim Houseman]... Jeez... (While saying this, Shinkawa’s mouse keeps hovering on Mei-Ling for some reason.)

Interviewer: (nervous face) Uhh... Mei-Ling’s skirt seems awfully short... By the way, will you be able to shake the female characters’ breasts like in Policenauts?

Shinkawa:...That’s classified information!

Interviewer: Well, here’s REX. Is there anything particularly different about this Metal Gear model?

Shinkawa: The Metal Gears in the previous two games had weak legs, so this new version has a strengthened lower body. During the initial planning I came up with several illustrations and settings, but the finalized version was settled pretty quickly.

Interviewer: How so?

Shinkawa: Since it was going to be turned into a polygon model, I made it into an actual model in order to solidify its conceptual image and verify its functions.

Interviewer: Is that so? Please show the model to me.

Shinkawa: Of course! REX was designed purely as a weapon, so it’s not exactly a heroic mecha. I decided on a dinosaur-like design like this one, since it conveyed a scary and grim image.

Shinkawa: There are three types of enemy soldiers shown here. From left to right: we have the light infantry, the heavy infantry and the arctic warfare soldier (nicknamed Yukinko by the developers). There’s also a gas mask-wearing fourth type.

Interviewer: Were you given any sort of references to use?

Shinkawa: I had books and photos that were given to me by Mr. Motosada Mori (MGS’s military advisor).

Interviewer: All the enemy soldiers have their faces covered up. Was that decided because they were terrorists?

Shinkawa: That’s certainly something that could be think of, but there’s actually more important reasons.

Interviewer: Huh? Explain!

Shinkawa: Simply put, we needed to reduce the number of polygons.

Interviewer: Is that really the reason?

Shinkawa: If you want to draw faces on your characters, you have to use quite a few polygons to get them to a satisfactory level, which ends up consuming too much resources. When taking into consideration the game as a whole, you got no choice but to trim certain parts. It’s a shame, but in the end I think the finalized designs suit the enemy soldiers better.

Interviewer: It’s a matter of balancing supply and demand. By the way, I really like the helmet worm by the Heavily Armed Troops. You don’t see them often in the game though.

Shinkawa: Well that helmet is an original design. Like everything, I try to keep things intuitive for game-playing purposes. The enemy soldiers are color-coded from left to right: brown, green and white, plus yellow for the gas mask-wearing soldiers.

Interviewer: There are indeed a variety of schemes. By the way, the arctic warfare soldiers are layered with clothing. Snake spends most of the game in arctic environments, but he isn’t wearing that much. Why is that?

Shinkawa: He’s wearing a high-tech suit.

Interviewer: You said it so bluntly... (laughs) One last nitpicky question. Who does the laundry in the base?

Shinkawa: They use a laundry machine. (laughs)

Metal Gear REX Model Photos

[bs-dogs]

Reason Living

Summary

Nakahara Chuuya. Bold. Confident. Dramatic, with just the right amount of flare.

Behind the mask, there’s little Chuuya can do to keep the tremors, the lassitude—  the void that threatens to consume his entire being—  at bay.

And then suddenly he’s switching bodies and falling for a stranger who has dead eyes, a familiar face and a name that tastes like hope and regret on his tongue. There’s a shift in Chuuya’s chest that feels like it should’ve been there all this time, and breathing comes easily to him now.

So what do you think would happen if Chuuya stopped switching bodies? Find out why, of course!

(or the Kimi no Na Wa AU nobody asked for, but here it is. Complete with idiots!Skk pining for each other, fluff, angst, time travel and 2 people trying to find their place in this world.)

CH 1

As Melos lay with arms and legs flung out on the ground, sleep began to overcome him. But then, suddenly, a murmuring sound reached his ears. Raising his head slightly, he held his breath and listened. The sound came to somewhere nearby. Rising falteringly to his—

A knock on the door interrupts Chuuya’s stream of thought, cutting off the vivid imagery that was building up inside his mind. He jumps slightly at the sound, not even noticing how his hand is tired after gripping the pen too tightly, and that the playlist he had the mind to play before working has already stopped. Now, he sits disgruntled on his swivel chair, alone and surrounded by silence with a short manuscript in front of him.

Whiplash. That’s the word to describe what he’s feeling right now. There’s a sense of nausea after being pulled back with enough force to startle him, and then there’s the familiar feeling of apprehension that quickly reestablishes itself into the groves of his weary body.

He takes a few deep breaths, trying to anchor his mind back to the real world. Reaching out, he grabs the small Sheep plushy besides his pen holder, grounding himself with the texture. It works, and he sets it down before looking out of the window. It’s dark out, something that doesn’t really shock him since he has the tendency to forget the passage of time whenever he’s focused on something.

Shooting a glance at the clock to his right, the hands point to ‘7:48’. He isn’t given the chance to think about who might be visiting him, of all people, this late into the evening for another knock makes itself known this time with a little bit more force behind it.

“Yes, wait up,” Chuuya says, voice lighter than he feels, and stands tiredly after pushing himself away from his desk. His feet gently pad across the room to reach his front door, not even bothering to look through the peephole to check who it is. Pausing before opening the door, Chuuya takes a couple of breaths to mentally ready and compose himself before opening the door. 

‘It’s showtime.’

With his best smile in place, Chuuya greets the visitor, a close friend of his— really, his only friend at this point. 

Opening the door wider, it takes a moment for Chuuya to get over his initial shock, “Poe! What brings you here?” He asks and gestures for the shy man to enter. The man ducks slightly under the doorframe, his impossibly tall build making it difficult for him to enter— his hand protecting the raccoon on his shoulder, Karl, from knocking into the frame. Being a smaller person than the foreigner, Chuuya can’t help but be a tad jealous of the man’s height. It’s an ugly feeling which he tries his best to dismiss.

“Oh, I just thought to check on you and stuff…” His voice is almost a whisper, trailing off at the end as if unsure. 

They sit down on Chuuya’s couch, one of the few things of luxury in his apartment, and let a moment pass in silent as Karl titters downward and on his guest’s lap. Once Poe has situated the two of them comfortably, the man takes note of the singular light source and the disheveled desk before opening his mouth, “Did you get too engrossed in your work again that you forgot, Chuuya?” He asks in his soft voice, aware of how much of a workaholic Chuuya is.

All the man in question can do is laugh awkwardly, swiftly flicking the lights on, “Well, you know me…” Chuuya is a little bit blinded by the sudden brightness and laughs lightly to try and mask it, “Would you like some tea? Coffee?” He offers, already halfway to his small kitchen when Poe politely refuses, “No, I’m good. I already ate something.”

“Oh, okay then.” He sits down again, his brain scrambling to think about why Poe would visit him so late.

‘He already passed me his draft, and we had lunch the other day so…’

As if hearing his thoughts, Poe heaves a sigh and chuckles, “We were supposed to meet by the café, remember?” The brunet chuckles, “I invited you…”

Then it suddenly clicks for Chuuya and his chest tightens, “Oh!” He exclaims “The date with the cute guy! I’m so sorry I forgot.” He looks down, voice taking an apologetic tone, “I swear I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine. It looks like you have a lot of work to do, so I understand.” Poe kindly says, pausing his petting of Karl to pat Chuuya’s shoulder in reassurance before retreating to Karl’s fur once more. The smaller man smiles at his effort, appreciative especially since he knows of the author’s shyness and aversion to physical contact, “So, how’d it go?”

Poe’s face reddens at an alarming rate, sputtering as Chuuya leans forward and teasingly grins at him, “It was, uh, nice. We just talked and ate and…”

“And?”

It doesn’t take long before he caves in, “We agreed to meet again next week,” He pauses, biting his lips, but it’s obvious to Chuuya that he’s happy with the way the corners of his lips lift up, “Ah… And he… I think he flirted with me?”

“Hot damn, our precious boy bags himself a second date!” Chuuya laughs. At the sudden loud sound, Karl skittishly stands up in alertness before trying to sleep again. The next time Chuuya talks, it’s comparably quieter, “It’s a good thing I didn’t third-wheel, eh?”

“You wouldn’t be bothering us though, he likes debates.” 

“Are you saying I like to argue?” Chuuya can’t help but tease, drawing in his eyebrows and pretending to frown. Poe doesn’t buy it though, choosing to simply smile at him, “Chuuya! I could never!”

They both share a laugh, a nice ambience settling around them. Talking to Poe really calms him down. It really is nice to have a friend or two, Chuuya supposes. He grew up as a very quiet child, rarely letting anyone in— his cold and closed off demeanor only intensifying after that incident a few years back. Over time, he did shake off the hard exterior and began to try the whole “friendship” thing again. Chuuya ponders that it paid off quite well, if his nice chat with Poe is anything to go by.

They met each other almost a year ago, when the man was looking for a new editor for his novel after his previous one, Lovecraft, suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth. Luckily for him, Chuuya saw his online ad and the rest is history. The writer is quite skilled, his works mostly science fiction and mystery, and Chuuya admires his passion for literature and writing.

“It’s one of his works, isn’t it?” Poe’s voice cuts through the comfortable silence between them, eyes resting on the manuscript on Chuuya’s desk, “The one you’re working on right now?”

Speaking of skilled authors…

“Yeah,” He starts, “The style, the aura, the feel…” Chuuya struggles to find the correct word to explain how he just knows that it’s his work— the mysterious author Chuuya’s been handling for all of 4 months now. He uses different pseudonyms, affirmed by his boss when he once thought to ask, but the distinctive tone and presence of his writing stays the same. Something about the way the author uses word and symbolism is striking, almost alluring, and the literature-geek inside him just melts every time Mori hands him another manuscript.

It doesn’t help that he doesn’t even really need to proofread anything; the grammar is absolutely impeccable, so he spends his time just absorbing the story, Chuuya doesn’t understand why his boss still sends them to him if everything is flawless already, but he’s not really one to complain.

“Well, what name is he using right now? What’s the manuscript about?” His guest’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts. 

“Kuroki Shunpei. It’s a retelling of one of Schiller’s, about friendship and trials.” He starts, “It’s amazingly short, the shortest I’ve ever handled of our mystery person— but I’m sure it’s him.” There’s conviction in his tone, certainty clear in his eyes. Maybe it’s only a gut feeling, but Chuuya’s instinct and intuition have never failed him before.

Poe hums, “That’s new. Isn’t he more of a darkly personal introspection kind of person? Maybe it was, um, written experimentally?”

“Maybe,” Chuuya considers this, “But I haven’t really finished reading yet. I was actually hoping on doing everything today since it’s not as long.”

“So that’s why you were so invested, you were pining away at your mystery guy.” Poe says, tone flat and eyes twinkling. Chuuya thinks he sees smugness in there somewhere.

“Pining? I was just reading, you moron.” To which Poe replies, “Oh, I know you. If anyone had to court you, they’d make sure to send you disgustingly purple prose because of your disease.”

“Say that one more time, I dare you.” Chuuya says, trying to exact the respect he deserved because he is the host here, damn it!

Poe just languidly stares at him, “Chuu-nii, think about it. Maybe he’s your, uh, soulmate or something? Why would Mori even give you the manuscripts if they’re already perfect as is? Maybe there’s a hidden message or a code…”

“First of all, you are older than me, and I don’t have some stupid high schooler disease. Second, there are no hidden messages. And what if he’s an old guy?” Chuuya almost shrieks at Poe, words starting to jumble together the faster he speaks, “And, you know, you’re a mystery writer, not a romance writer for fuck’s sake!”

“So, you checked for secret messages, huh?” Poe raises an eyebrow questioningly, his amusement radiating off him in waves. Chuuya ratters on, sharp sounds and indignant noises as he tries to save himself from the slip-up, “That’s not it at all! I was just— How— What?” His brain short circuits, regretting all of his past choices that’s led to this bout of teasing.

Karl skitters off of Poe’s lap and onto the floor before being scooped back up again, this time being settled against Poe’s chest, “Relax,” He says, lips twisting up, “I was joking anyway. But I do hope we find out who it is.” 

‘We’, Chuuya thinks. It’s the first time someone he’s only known for so long used that word in conjunction with him, and it’s a nice feeling— like someone is on your side for once. He warms at the thought and inwardly promises to himself to make it up to the man.

“Yeah, I do too.” 

-

He closes the door behind him, slowly making his way to the kitchen and grabbing himself a glass of water. The cool liquid is a welcome feeling as it slides down his parched throat, drinking greedily after talking for a long while. He glances at the clock again, idly wondering how he survived interacting with a human for 2 hours straight. Chuuya sets the now empty glass on the counter with a loud clunk, the harsh sound cutting through the heavy air like a butter knife, and contemplates whether he’s hungry enough to want to eat. It takes him a few minutes before ultimately deciding that no, he’d rather sleep because talking really does take a lot more energy out of him than most people. Besides, it’s not really the first time he’s skipping so he’s quite sure that his stomach wouldn’t protest that much after all this time. 

Sighing, he closes the lights and feels the tension from his shoulder lift slightly. The cover the shadows provide him is a much needed comfort— Chuuya’s always preferred the dark over brightly lit rooms. There’s something about people not seeing him and feeling invisible enough to let the cracks through that makes him feel more human than when he stands under the spotlight. Or maybe because it’s the familiarity of having your environment match how you feel that puts his mind at ease? Whatever it is, all Chuuya knows is that he feels safer now.

It doesn’t take long for his eyes to acclimate to the dark; his body already accustomed to the way his apartment is laid out to the point where he could live comfortably even with his eyes closed. He doesn’t trip over wires or stray papers or the books haphazardly strewn about, doesn’t bump into the corners of his desk and bookcase as he goes into his room. Chuuya hasn’t cleaned in a while because of work, but even then he still knows where everything should be in the organized chaos.

He doesn’t change clothes since he didn’t really go out earlier today, and barely goes through his nighttime skincare routine. Chuuya doesn’t really see the point of taking care of himself if no one is going to see him on a daily basis anyway, but he was brought up to at least maintain his cleanliness and appearance.

His adoptive mother— Kouyou, or Ane-san as he likes to call her— beat the need to look presentable into him the moment he stepped foot in her teahouse. And even after years of moving out, he still can’t shake the need to stay clean and hygienic as much as possible. He supposes that he should thank her for that, since he would be akin to a hobo by now if she didn’t raise him to be so prim and proper.

He pats his face dry and looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes trail after the dark bags and tired expression and thinks he looks miserable. He does feel miserable, so he gives himself that, and proceeds to brush his hair. The split ends are troublesome, but he makes it through with only a few red strands sticking to the brush before his arm tires and the giant need to just lay down and rest consumes him. Sluggishly, he drags himself to bed and just stares at the ceiling.

Despite the fatigue that uncomfortably settles in his body, he can’t sleep— and Chuuya’s just so tired of everything but of course he can’t sleep. He thinks about what’s wrong, as if he can list down all the things that’s wrong with him before the sun rises up in a few hours, before he finally gets up and turns the fan on. The sound of the machine whirring does little to calm him down, but it’s better than wallowing in silence. He never could sleep in the quiet, the static blaring in his ears somehow louder than the occasional loud shouts coming from the unit next to him, so he does his best to get comfortable. Chuuya readies himself for another night of terrors, already anticipating the way smoke clogs up his nose and the way heat tickles his skin.

He hopes the empty feeling that continues to persist inside is gone the next day before he surrenders himself to unconsciousness.

-

The next time he meets Poe again, it’s in their favourite café. It’s two days after they last saw each other, but Chuuya can’t really remember what happened yesterday. Maybe he got drunk. Remembering how tired he felt the other day, he wouldn’t put it past himself to try and drown himself with wine. The fact that he woke up with an unsettling feeling in his stomach just cements his theory. Must be a weird hangover.

Poe is waiting for him at their corner, a milkshake already in front of him, “Chuuya! Are you really sure you’re okay enough to go out? We could always reschedule.” The concern is palpable in the man’s tone, his soft voice hurried and fretful. 

Chuuya thinks it’s because Poe caught him blacked-out drunk.

“I’m fine,” he says, “And I wanted to make it up to you anyway.”

“For what?” Poe asks, hands stilling from scratching behind Karl’s ears, his head tilting slightly in question.

After sneaking a glance at the counter and noting that the line is, in fact, longer than usual, he answers, “For ditching you the other day?” Maybe Chuuya should wait until the queue is shorter? 

“But you already did?”

This makes Chuuya halt, confusion tearing its way through his mouth, “What?”. The question slips from his tongue, his mind automatically forcing himself to Think, damn it! What did you do yesterday?

Poe stares at him, trying to find a hint of whatever it is he’s looking for before carefully responding, “You did— yesterday, remember?” He says, “You suddenly called me and we ate in your apartment and talked about your mystery author.”

It takes a few minutes for Chuuya to recover from his brain short-circuiting. Distantly, he notices how his breath is getting a little bit labored and shallow and how he’s shaking. He doesn’t feel like himself right now— doesn’t feel like it’s his body and feels more like an outsider privy to his thoughts.

“Oh… Maybe I got too drunk to remember.” He tries to laugh it off, sounding like he’s convincing himself rather than Poe, “I don’t really remember much. Did I do anything stupid?”

The man takes another sip from his milkshake, already halfway through and it reminds Chuuya that he still needs to order, “You did say a lot of, uh, dark things…”

Warning bells sound through his mind.

“Like, you know— Chuuya, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. I know how it feels like and I care about you, okay?” Poe continues to worry, eyes strong and vulnerable. His hands fidget, like he wants to reach out and touch Chuuya and reassure that he’s okay, “I’m not trying to pressure you into anything…”

Chuuya now knows it’s not because Poe caught him blacked-out drunk.

Thoughts of hot chocolates and banana bread fly out of his mind. Faintly, he feels the back of his eyes warm and thinks that there’s a slight possibility that he might cry. He takes a deep breath in, counts from ten just like his therapist told him and tries to relax. It’s hard— harder than usual, like he’s sinking deeper and deeper into the ground and right now he feels like he doesn’t want to breathe anymore.

He tries anyway.

“Thank you,” He finally murmurs, “ I— Fuck…” The words are like broken glass, slicing at his lips the moment they try to break free from his mouths and it stings, “I’m not…”

Chuuya came here today with a slight bounce in his steps because he missed feeling okay when talking with Poe, so he surely didn’t expect to be talking about this. It’s like a slap to the face— like a cold bucket of water being dumped on him because he sure as hell wasn’t ready for his only friend to learn about this.

It’s like a breach of privacy. He was trying so hard to seem fine and okay— he should be fine and okay, damn it— so the fact that Poe thinks he’s not is throwing Chuuya off right now. In retrospect, it was a bit outlandish to think he could take this dirty, dark little secret with him to grave. Soon, preferably. But now the cat’s out of the bag, and he really wishes he didn’t wake up today.

How funny and coincidental is it that someone probably borrowed his body for a day and they’re just as, if not more so, miserable as Chuuya? Because if it were Chuuya, he’d keep up the façade as the workaholic, the outgoing and headstrong and stubborn person until the day he finally died. But he wasn’t Chuuya. He wasn’t Chuuya yesterday, and he slipped and now the first friend he’s had the pleasure to have in years knows how ugly and pitiful he is. 

Something warm presses against his shoulder and he looks and sees Poe looking at him with his arm outstretched. There’s no pity, no disgust, just resolve and worry and a promise. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s okay.”

Oh fuck, Poe is going to realize that meeting Chuuya was a mistake sooner or later. He’s going to finally figure out that Chuuya isn’t really who Poe thinks he is and that he’s a fake. Oh fu—

“It’s okay to not be fine.”

Chuuya tries to remember if anyone ever told him that. He’s not sure.

-

The man— Poe, his name is Poe— stares at him worriedly. It finally occurs to him, in order, that:

a.) He probably shouldn’t have said that.

b.) He’s not himself right now.

“Chuuya, are you okay?”

c.) He definitely shouldn’t have said that.

He laughs it off, waving his hands. The lower-pitched tone scratches against his voice box and he feels like a stranger and an intruder and that he shouldn’t be here. He feels like this is a fever dream, like something from a movie or a novel. He thinks, ‘If this is a fever dream then why couldn’t I have just dreamed about Odasaku?’ and promptly shuts that thought down because does he really want to wake up crying and shaking inconsolably again?

He smiles, “I’m fine.”

Hi everyone! I’m vvv late but here’s my work  for the bigbang! I’ll be queueing my work over the next few hours. Thanks for reading and see y’all in the next one!

Links will be provided at the last post, thanks!

[zukalations]

Mori Keaki - 120% Darling: Part 2 Chapter 12 - If my heart had a home…

Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible. 120% Darling has around 24 chapters, and I plan to post one every Friday. It’s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it! For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.

This is the final proper chapter of 120% Darling! I’m so happy so many people have enjoyed reading it. Next week I will post the epilogue, and then leave Fridays open for a few months while I translate another book.

If my heart had a home…

Now that I am graduating from Takarazuka, to become an actress…

‘I’ll be living in Tokyo now, won’t I?’

It was the middle of the night, and I was in my own room, but it was suddenly so deeply moving that I ended up sighing.

I had lived in Takarazuka since my second year of high school.

First in the ‘Violet Dormitory’, and then later living by myself.

Takarazuka had completely become my hometown.

As for Tokyo, well, since I would stay there for about a month at a time during Tokyo performances, it wasn’t as if it was totally unknown to me, but usually I would just go back and forth from where I was staying to the theatre, so I had never been able to relax there during my time off.

But Tokyo was a city I liked.

My favorite city is Sendai.

Although currently I’ve totally become a Takarazuka resident,

I feel like if I get a chance to live there properly, I’ll come to really like Tokyo.

If I’m describing Sendai, before anything else I would have to say that it’s a city with a laid-back, generous personality.

And also, although I think this is probably an attribute of the whole Touhoku region, everything’s straightforward, without any two-faced meaning.

To tell the truth, when I first moved to Takarazuka, I found Kansai conversations bewildering.

In Touhoku, even in speech, everything is relaxed, and laid-back, with a warm mood to it…

But the speed of Kansai dialect…

That was especially so in Osaka, I think. At the start, I would recoil at the force at which shopkeepers would talk.

Recently, I feel like since there are so many celebrities from Kansai performing on national television channels that people all over Japan have become accustomed to hearing Osaka dialect and Kobe dialect and Kyoto dialect. When I was little, in Sendai there was wa~y, wa~y less opportunity to hear Kansai dialect.

Therefore, even words like “Kashiwa!” [T/N: Kansai dialect term for ‘poultry’]

“Hm? In Kansai do they say ‘kashira’ (which means ‘head’) as ‘kashiwa’...”

I thought re~ally dumb things like that sometimes.

“Chaunen” [‘that’s wrong’], “Hottoitenka” [‘buzz off’], “Donkusainaa” [‘what a klutz’], et cetera, et cetera.

While now I can understand the meanings easily and sometimes end up using Kansai dialect terms myself, back then I had quite the struggle.

Although Takarazuka is obviously located in Kansai, it couldn’t be described as a big city, and it’s origin was as a ‘hotspring town’.

The atmosphere is relaxed.

That aspect I feel really saved me back then, as a girl who had journeyed there from Sendai.

All around the town, the scenery and atmosphere was...free and open, I guess you could say.

When I was taking the Takarazuka Music School Entrance Exam,

I said to my big sister who had accompanied me:

“I feel like I lived here once a long time ago~”

But she just laughed at me and said

“What on earth are you saying, silly~”

I felt like, if I had believed in past lives, then the ‘me’ before I became ‘the present me’ had lived there…

That was the feeling I had when I encountered Takarazuka.

And at the time of the next cherry blossom season, I will leave this Takarazuka behind.

For Tokyo, Tokyo, TOKYO…

‘I have to find someplace to live…’

Although I have those kinds of real-life problems at the moment,

‘At least this time I won’t have any language issues!’

I feel comfortable on that account.

Although Takarazuka is a stage company made out of professional performers, it’s also a perpetual school, so it has that protective atmosphere of warmth about it.

Until graduation (...which actually means retirement), you’re always a student.

And even if you graduate, you then become a ‘former student’.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I think that in the world of Takarazuka, that most pure period of your ‘youth’ that everyone looks back on so nostalgically is treasured and protected.

And now I’m finally journeying away from here…

Well, when it comes to the stage I have my own views.

But thinking of my emotional age, or my age in terms of societal experience, or any aspect besides the stage, I feel like my mind is still that of a second-year high school student… It’s scary.

Scary to retire now, and then move to Tokyo.

I’ve also been thinking:

‘Somehow...this feels like my first time ‘having a job’...’

I have a feeling that I will keep having new ‘discoveries’ and ‘feelings’, too.

But still, to be honest, I don’t dislike all this internal commotion.

This new city I’m going to live in, Tokyo…

This new challenge I’m going to face, a career as an actress…

If I think about it, among all the fans who were good enough to like the Takarazuka otokoyaku, ‘Mori Keaki’...

Perhaps there are some who will think,

“Now that she’s become an actress, there’s something lacking about Mori Keaki!!”

If so…

I’m sorry, but please keep the memory of the Takarazuka otokoyaku ‘Mori Keaki’ in your hearts, give up on the actress ‘Mori Keaki’, and continue to support Takarazuka.

I, myself, am satisfied.

Also,

I lived my way here naturally…

The human, ‘Mori Keaki’ did her best to get here… And everyone who supported all of me, even when I was not totally being an otokoyaku…

If I can continue having you as my fans, of course I will be so happy!!

Now that I’m living in a new city, and have a new ‘career’, even if everything ahead of me is just a blank sheet of white paper…

‘Well, that can’t be avoided.’

Is what I think.

But…

But,

But!!

If I can keep drawing your support, I’ll be so happy I could jump for joy!! I’ll be going!

The me of my real name.

The me of ‘Mori Keaki’.

The me from when I was performing onstage as ‘Mori Keaki’.

Even though both of them are definitely ‘me’.

‘...So?’

If I tried to think of circumstances I was so immersed in that I even forgot myself;

It was when I was a stage performer.

‘I think it was…’

When I was the actor ‘Mori Keaki’.

I have been thinking a lot.

I mean what I wrote earlier, about how I want to live with ‘good selfishness’.

It’s not as if I have discarded the dream of becoming a bride.

‘But…’

I want to keep on working as an actor!!

My beloved Takarazuka.

I learned so much through being able to perform as Top Star here.

It’s there in the dialogue for my last role, Ooishi Kuranosuke.

“I don’t have anything to regret now!”

In Takarazuka, I was full of that emotion

As I determined to take the first step in my next journey.

It might be silly, but I do believe in destiny…

I wonder if that current will sweep me along to some new trials.

Even so, I’ll take them all on! I’m definitely not going to give up.

I’ll keep putting in effort, effort, and more effort.

But, this new challenge, of an actress’ career.

Who knows if I’ll be as ‘lucky’ as I was in Takarazuka…

To say I was 100% unafraid would be a lie.

But, this is the tomorrow I have chosen for myself.

‘The only option is to just do it!’

If there really is a god of Destiny, or something like that.

I think they must be a playful, whimsical prankster.

For example, let’s say that the amount of Destiny being used on different people is generally at the 70% level.

God doesn’t ever mean to cause anyone unhappiness, I think.

And so, after that 70% baseline, if there are people who say ‘Is there anything more!?’ and keep running on ahead, forward-looking, I feel like they give them a present of Plus Alpha Destiny…

And then, if there are people who reach the 80%, 90%, 100% level, and keep earnestly saying ‘Hey, hey, what’s next!?’ they’ll respond ‘Now then, you’ve come this far… Well then. To be honest, this is a special favor, but…’ and give out 110% or 120% Destiny…

That’s kind of how I feel.

I feel like God must have been watching my failures and saying,

“Ordinarily, people would give up if they fell so badly.”

“Oh, look at that! You got up. Even if it makes you want to cry, don’t give up!”

“Well. Off you run again. Nothing discourages you, does it. Well, I’ll at least make sure there are no huge boulders in your way that would kill you if you ran into them. But it’s still going to be a rocky path. She’s definitely going to fall again…”

Although I have used God as an example here…

I think in reality, it was everyone who stayed by my side,

Who helped me train myself this way.

“Oh, look, she fell!! ...Ah, she got up again.”

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart to everyone who watched over me and helped me, even though I could only keep looking forward and moving ahead.

Even though I’m sure I’ll fall many times from now on.

I’m not afraid of falling.

There are so many things I’ve discovered when I’ve fallen.

If I were to just keep running safely, there are so many things I wouldn’t know, about people’s hearts, different scenery, sounds, temperatures, words, expressions, so many things that happened and their responses…

Those are an actor’s nourishment.

It might be a bit grandiose that Mori Keaki, even if she falls, doesn’t ‘just’ simply get up again.

But if I were to fear falling, and hold back my energy to try to avoid falling again…

‘That doesn’t suit me at all…’

Is what I keep thinking.

From now on.

I’m still.

Going to be just like this.

I’m going to keep on being optimistic, looking up, and running ahead!!

Everyone,

I’ll be going!

[inhalareexhalare]

Memento mori. 

Nynaeve recommended this before, and I loved it and am remembering.

It suddenly started raining.

Karu also said,

"I think I'm gonna be a terrible dad"

Out of nowhere.

We'd just been talking about his gig today about half an hour ago.

I feel a bit down that I can't seem to find the motivation to keep my work space organized, but I think that's because I put it down too much in my priority list. Dr. Seth told me to take one day off of work, to do housekeeping duties, to express how important it is to her.

Awesome.

From Karu:

Wala lang. I remember Aang being a terrible dad [It's nothing. I remember Aang being a terrible dad]

Aang was a terrible dad according to the old airbender guy from Legend of Korra

Apparently it was Katara that took care of the children cause Aang was busy being the Avatar

Kinda like how Naruto is busy being Hokage

Aang's airbender kid was also obviously favored over the non bender and the waterbender

To Karu:

Hahahahaha I see I see

We won't know until we get there, and we'll never know if we don't keep trying :)

God gave man a partner for a reason, so don't start thinking you're on your own

Outside family, there's also a reason why we're a team, remember? :) No man is an island, and no man is big enough to carry out a vision

I am technically your secretary, so don't hesitate to call for me. In fact, I'd love to help

We're still a small ship of a small crew in such a big sea, so of course it's gonna be busy

The burden gets lighter as more pillars are added, and as these pillars are slowly built with strength over time

...we teach the youth what wonders life can do :)

2018-11-07 12:00 Philippines Wednesday

BOOODLE FIIIGHT!!!!

I ATE TONS OF MEAT! Pork. Chicken. Fish!!!

I feel like I got closer with Ms. Charree.

It was the right choice to return to her side when she was left alone coincidentally. She's sociable, but also shy in many ways.

This is always a fun tradition in the Philippines hahaha! I still have a hard time eating rice with my hands though. My hands don't understand how to do it naturally.

“Privileged ignorance”

Born and bred With spoon and fed

Yes. I am one of those sheltered kids. It's one of the reasons why leaving home was particularly radical to the family tree. It seemed the natural thing to do though when words couldn't get through...

Though I think I could have tried other approaches to help them understand my thoughts. I'd never recommend leaving home abruptly.

It first assumes that you cannot trust your family. It also leaves things on a bad note.

Explorer's motto: always leave things better than when you arrived in there.

You'll have no power to fix things, but you always have the option to be kind and give love to others.

I thank God for sharing his strength and giving me courage today. I was able to smile sincerely at Dr. Seth, at Ms. Charree, at Ms. Len, Jun, Marg, and Deanne, and Cecilia—and I realized how much a tiny gesture can help lighten up someone else's day.

2018-11-07 13:00 Philippines Wednesday

Don't stop believing.

Cecilia dragged me into the Brothers' House tour with the rest of the gang. I suppose greeting them all the way to the other side at the boodle fight before returning to Ms. Charee was the right choice.

My intention to be a friend came through!

The brothers are so cool! So human. They make the most of life because they have confidence in the love of Life.

Skating, biking, childish jokes, friendships, rivalries, ambition, doubts, faith, laughter...

Being a brother, one of them said, is not about being worthy as a person, but instead about how God is worthy and all his greatness.

How very true!

To whoever’s out there:

No matter where you are in your life and no matter what position you are put into; whenever that nagging feeling comes—"do I deserve this?" remember that you ask a wrong question.

The question is always whether the cause is worth it or not. Answer that, and you'll know what to do and where to put your energy into.

We do not choose our calling, but we choose our faith and meaning.

Life always puts you where you need to be. Your sole resource is what you believe in.

Don't stop learning, don't stop growing. Be open to new ideas, but also stand up for what you believe in.

2018-11-07 14:00 Philippines Wednesday

It's funny how a person's confidence level can only either increase or decrease as the number of group mates fluctuate.

For me, my leadership instincts work better in small numbers. Big crowds tend to overstimulate me and I go quiet to reserve energy.

The commonality among everyone, I think, is that the extent that individuality is compromised is positively correlated to the number of people (that is part of the group) present.

2018-11-07 14:28 Philippines Wednesday

Don't you get it? The anomaly is us—the consciousness, the ego; entities aren't supposed to think about themselves.

Organisms act according to their survival and self-interest, but they think about and react to outside threats (or opportunities) and predators (or friends). They don't flee (or fight) thinking, "how do I defend myself?"

Rather, they think, "how do I survive from this predator?"

Get it? The focus is on the foreign object.

The same way we flail even after hours of practice just because we become overly conscious of how to do things instead of focusing on the goal which would have naturally assisted us in accomplishing it (since we already did practice and it should all have been muscle memory).

We are minor creatures, swayed and small-mindedly occupied with our shadows. No different from a cat that is enamored by a mere laser point.

This thought occurred out of nowhere. But I remember a video that can show you stuff about performance anxiety:

Still, studying the self has shown exactly how studying the self made us ineffective. Pop quiz. Do you call this a paradox, or an irony?

I rather think it's more of an irony.

2018-11-07 19:00 Philippines Wednesday

Mah keyss.

The girly not-key looks so girly and so unlike me that I like it. It says "Open your mind!" on the tiny pink heart of it.

I think this was an excess Christmas gift when I was in late elementary school days or high school and it used to be a keychain, not a key, but look what I did to it haha

I really like how Ms. Siomai smiles back at me sweetly when I greet her and when I thank them for the meal with my own smiles.

I know she's just being polite, but she seems like she can be an easy-to-talk-to friend.

God always provides enough for his people.

Thank you for this meal.

2018-11-07 20:00 Philippines Wednesday

Peak Meeting adjourned!

Exciting big quests.

“Calm Spell”

I feel sad for some reason, almost to tears But this ain't nothing And it sure as hell ain't everything.

Keep your cool. It's okay. Take it slow.

Focus.

Yana's soul is fuzzy. Like, cozy fuzzy.

She

Tries to reach out to me. In bits, in chewable pieces.

I can feel Her.

Karu and I are out to get the second half of our dinner.

We finally established at tonight's Peak meeting the curfew—23:00. Thank God. Thank you, Ira and Moira.

I don't usually draw that way by the way. I am pretty flexible with art style. The problem? I'm no practitioner. I'm just an on-and-off hobbyist. I'm not even sure I'd count it as a hobby anymore. I used to draw a lot, but then I realized my true love was words.

2018-11-08 00:32 Philippines Thursday

I cried. 

A lot. From about 01:00 to 02:38.

I didn't know whether I'd write about this or not, since it's pretty much an inconvenient coincidence that caused it, but here I am.

After the meeting, Karu and I walked outside to get food, right? While walking with him, I wrote that previous entry above this.

Karu had lots of ideas and stories. He cut himself off at least twice, saying instead that I should finish my entry first since I lose my ideas pretty fast when another thing catches my interest.

Turns out he's the same. Walking together, I kind of sensed his slight frustration. But I didn't make room to dive that thought because I wasn't done finishing my thoughts for the entry yet.

We reach stoplight after stoplight, and he suggests that we can get food from a carinderia (small eatery) instead. Cheaper, healthier.

But I still wasn't done analyzing my thoughts for the entry. I kept typing and told him I leave it up to him, and that I'm good with whatever.

Then I noticed we were heading towards the convenience store instead. Only then was I done with the entry. He got my full attention.

We look at sandwiches. They seemed the best option in there.

But we only got 70 pesos. A sandwich that was even worth our time is at least 39 pesos.

I kept suggesting to him that I can go walk back to the house to get more money and he can wait in the store since I knew how much he disliked the action of going back and forth for such trivial things (even things that matter to him).

But he kept saying that my suggestion made no sense. That we had enough.

That confused me. I tried suggesting the 30-peso hotdog sandwiches. Then he said he didn't feel like eating anymore.

He entrusted the money to me and so I walked inside the convenience store while he remained outside and sat on the sidewalk.

I tried to assess the situation, and I thought maybe he liked the 39-peso sandwiches better than hotdogs, but he didn't want to make me have to resort to a hotdog sandwich just to fit the budget.

So that's exactly what I did. Maybe he'd like the sandwich. He didn't feel like eating anymore but we both knew he needed it.

And we head back home and as expected the first thing he did was light up a cigarette at the dirty kitchen.

It was quick, so I could tell he didn't want to be around people. Job, Ira, and Zenith were around.

Entering our room that I occupied was the lesser evil.

After taking our bites, he finally shared why he's so pissed.

He made his own logical assessment of his emotions.

"You are annoying sometimes."

Firstly, he said, he forgot the ideas he wanted to tell me about. Secondly, for some reason he also wanted me to make our decision as he gave suggestions on where to eat. Lastly, he really just wanted to have the time with me to walk and talk to each other.

This was the first time anything like it happened so I was deeply affected. He left the room for water and I took the chance to cry by establishing the threshold: the point where the tears are about to overflow. I wouldn't let it, and distracted myself with other thoughts until I got my neutral face back and cried silently until I reached the threshold again.

He got back, lied down, and we turned the lights off.

When I couldn't restrain my now willingly hidden tears, I turned my back against him and lied on my left side.

My tears overflowed, dying to spill everything. Everything. I did it all silently. I cried hot tears soundlessly.

He clicked his tongue, as he always did when he got pissed. Either it's because he thought I was just leaving things unfinished and going straight to sleep, or his musician ears caught the irregular breathing of my tear-soaked lungs (figuratively). (Fuck musicians.) After a minute maybe, he apologized for "getting pissed."

I wanted to say that it wasn't something he should apologize to me about, but I couldn't say a word. I knew my voice would betray my tears.

I cried some more in the quiet and then finally got the leaning-positive shade of my personality back when I was satisfied with crying my shit out. I lied down on my right this time, facing him.

I asked if he needed the blanket that was accidentally on his pillow, and he gestured a yes by lifting his head. I had a bit of trouble unfolding it, since it was in a messy fold, and was surprised that he helped me.

His hand traveled under the sheets and took my left leg so it was laying over his, as he usually did to show affection. I couldn't muster the balls to hug him as I usually did to return his affection and he sensed it, taking my left hand to let it rest on his left shoulder.

He asked me what was making me feel bad, since according to his understanding of the situation, no one was to blame. It's not wrong to want to write my journal entries. It's not wrong to want to walk and talk with your wife.

After multiple hesitations and anxiety over his patience (he repeatedly asked me what's up with such gentleness), I finally said that it's because I vowed to be a wife and a partner. But all I am is a failure. He touched my face and confirmed my tears.

It's good that I got to deal with the self-obsession somehow, as I realized halfway how my thoughts are beginning to be overly critical and close-mindedly inward. Still, I felt sad.

I felt too guilty to get over this emotionally-perceived mistake.

He said I have more "successes" than "failures," the complete opposite of him. He asked me to mount him (nothing sexual, although it did come to that later when I promoted it HAHA) so I could hug him more naturally.

I wanted to tell him he's wrong, but all I could do was shake my head to our darkness-adjusted eyes, because my voice kept breaking. I'm bad with crying.

He comforted me, saying he couldn't stay mad at me even if he wanted to, unlike his signature temper.

We basically ended on a kind note, but I still think we didn't end with the good we could have. We ended good in a way, but we still have obsessive dwellings on our respective egos. He still thinks he's a bad husband most of the time, and I still think I'm a bad wife most of the time.

We must find a way to get out of this rut. Replace the mode of thinking. It doesn't help anyone.

Also, as a note, Karu didn't know exactly how we got there either. To that conflict. We're usually more flexible than that. I'm just realized after the fact last "night" that he just came from a gig.

That could actually make sense, but I'm not ready to conclude yet.

[mfmagazine]

Taxidermy Couture

Article by Lauren Weigle

Photo by Rebecca Schmidt

Taxidermy Couture was definitely a must-have for me once I came across it.  Its art mixed with Goth mixed with glamour mixed with vintage mixed with...well, everything!  The point is that the collections are hot and almost entirely made up of one-of-a-kind pieces.  So, if you see something you like you better snatch it up fast as it may be gone tomorrow.  On the other hand, no one else will have the same gorgeous and unique accessory as you will, which makes each piece even more special.

Let’s talk about the Latin phrase “memento mori” and what it means in terms of Taxidermy Couture.

Memento mori means "Remember you must one day die". It names a genre of artistic creations that vary widely from one another, but which all share the same purpose, to remind people of their own mortality and the punishment they will receive if they transgress the rules of their religion. A phrase that has had a tradition in art that dates back to antiquity. I always say my work is "Memento mori inspired" because I personally am not trying to remind people or their punishment when they die. In fact, I'm not one for religion at all. I was raised Catholic and was forced to go to church every Sunday until I left home at 17, but the silver lining was being able to spend an hour every week staring at beautiful art, art that still inspires me to this day… obviously. As far as the connection between memento mori and Taxidermy Couture... well, my use of animal skulls, teeth, and bones would make anyone think about death.

Pretty intense, just like the name of your label.  How did you come up with the brand’s name?

Originally I called my line "Morbid beauty", but it just didn't feel right; it felt very "Goth" to me. Yes, a large amount of my work has a Gothic feel, and I love that. However, I don't want to pigeon-hole myself into a set aesthetic. Some days I'm super vamp, some days I'm a modern hippie, and other days I'm something I don't have a term for. I am, however, extremely into high fashion and art so I felt "Taxidermy Couture" simply described the work much more, and will continue to do so no matter what direction I go in the future.

Tell me about the woman behind the company, Marya.

That's a hard one! As of [December] I am now Marya, the wife. I am happier than I have ever been before in my entire life! We went to Vegas with 10 friends and had the best time! Other than that it changes all the time. I try to dip my toe in anything and everything that interests me.

Speaking of interests, I want to hear all about your musical alter ego!  Spill it!

Valium Valentine, my pop culture alter ego! She was born a year ago and sadly we only got 3 songs done.  You can find them on Myspace. We (my husband and I) LOVE all kinds of music and wanted to just play. However, once it got started I kind of took over and so we decided it was my baby. I want to make a few more songs before she dies... But, we have another secret band we have been working on, so it can be hard to put your mind in two completely different creative places at the same time. My husband and I will always make music, no matter who hears it. Its funny talking about "my music" when I have some close friends in legit bands, they actually make a living making music and touring. If I ever had the chance to go on tour as a performer I'd jump on it.

Do you think your love of music ever inspires some of your pieces for Taxidermy Couture?

How could it not!? I name pieces after songs or bands all the time. I do a series of multi-chain necklaces with my signature mink tooth lockets and other "vampire inspired" charms, no two are the same, but they all share the name "Vampire Weekend". Aside from that, I think the music world has a huge part to play in fashion. I can't help but be influenced by music; it sets a mood. Bands I loved growing up are probably why I started getting tattoos and wore chucks, so yes, music inspires many a Taxidermy Couture piece.

You also style and cut hair.  Is there anything you don’t do?!

Well, when I was really young I want to be a fashion designer. I'd draw pictures of clothes all day. My mom was a super punk rock chic, purple and green hair, made all her clothes, made jewelry out of scrap metal she'd find on the street, etc. Since the age of 11 she'd ask me to cut her hair. I won't lie. I had a natural knack for it. By age 14 I could do a perfect bob. So, when I turned 18 and had been living on my own for almost a year, I decided I needed to figure out what career path to go in. Hair just made the most sense, and I loved it. Not to mention, Cosmetology school was a hell of a lot less money than college, and I grew up really poor so the thought of debt was scary. I've worked in so many salons over the past ten years. My favorite was Ultra Salon in Manhattan, NY.  I worked there for four years before calling it quits and crossing over to freelance. I did the hair for two Rapture music videos a few years back. As of now I turned our dining room into a mini-salon. I really love working for myself from home, I'm not a conventional person.

Conventional is way overrated.  So, Marya, why is it exactly that you are drawn to things like teeth and animal skulls?

I am very drawn to teeth. They are just so cool and creepy. I have a tooth wearing a crown tattooed on my left arm. I use a lot of bone vertebrae from various animals; they have the most amazing shapes! It seems wrong not making jewelry out of them. But my original inspiration really comes from a necklace I own. Long story short, my long lost father who I met when I was 23; we were both living in NYC and this amazing thing happened and suddenly I had the coolest father ever! Well, for my birthday he gave me this to-die-for Pade Vavra Diamond and shark tooth necklace. He knew I loved shark teeth and diamonds so, boom! Two years ago I made my first rabbit foot/shark tooth necklace for my husband. We had just started dating and he flipped out over it. That's really why I started making jewelry to sell to the public. He's an independent buyer for a clothing store in our neighborhood, so he convinced me I was talented enough to sell my work. A few months later, my Etsy store was up and running. But, I suppose I have a soft spot for things not the norm because of my mother and her friends, a bunch of young artists from Boston. I even got to be in a small independent film called "black hearts bleed red" directed by Jeri Cane Rossi. The bazaar and “oh so talented” artist Joe Coleman was also in this movie. If you aren't familiar with his work you really should Google him. I wish I had the talent this man has! All the little "weird" things about my childhood just stuck I suppose.

How are you able to take these things that, to some, can be considered dark or dismal, but create such beautiful jewelry from them?

It's all your frame of mind, to some it’s creepy and they will never be into it, no matter how pretty it is. But, to me there is nothing dark or dismal about letting these animals live on through art. I don't think any part of the animal should be wasted. Animals give us the gift of food and warmth. To me the bones and teeth are just as precious and should be respected and admired. No animals are killed for the sake of my art. All parts are from animals that have died from natural causes, or have been killed for the meat. I do eat meat, so I can't be a hypocrite.  I only use vintage fur (usually from damaged fur coats from the 1980's or older) because once I found out how they actually skin the animals alive, I couldn't morally buy new fur. I have very high standards for the materials I use, which is a HUGE part of the work that goes into these pieces. How do I make them beautiful? I don't really know... I just play with it until it becomes what it should be.

Tell me more about some of your one-of-a-kind pieces.

The majority of what I make is one-of-a-kind. And, even the pieces I can replicate aren't identical. To me, teeth and bones are like snowflakes. Because of my high standards of how the animal has died I can't place an order for X amount of jawbones at a time, so I work with what I have, when I have it. I do however do a series of animal skull necklaces that are all OOAK. No two are identical because if you are going to spend over $100 on a necklace, you don't want your best friend to buy the exact same one, right? These are special pieces to keep forever and cherish. Chains like Forever 21 make me sad, mass-produced crap that everyone has and falls apart. Not to mention, the poor children working over 8 hours a day for next to no money just so we Americans can be cheap and selfish, but that's another topic for another interview at another time.  

Well then let’s stick to things like some of your vintage-inspired pieces.  Can you tell me a little about those as well?

Well, I use a lot of vintage pieces and up-cycle them. That's another reason why most of my work is one-of-a-kind. I use a mix of new and old charms and chains. Because of my background growing up with my mother I have always thrift-shopped and had fun finding little hidden treasures at flea markets and vintage shops. It may even be in my blood. After meeting my father, I found out he originally started his long career of owning retail stores with a vintage store. I must admit that lately I've been VERY focused on my Taxidermy Couture, but now that my wedding is over I have more free time and I am planning on coming out with new vintage-inspired, non-taxidermy work soon. It all depends on my inspiration. I can't force my work or it will show, and not in a good way. Any art I make is an organic experience.

Ooh, I can’t wait for more vintage pieces!  My absolute favorites are the Vintage up-cycled Chanel earrings and the Mortality charm necklace, but it’s out of stock.  Any come-backs on the horizon for those items on your site that have already sold out?

I've had a soft spot for Chanel since I was about 20. I have enjoyed collecting Chanel earrings since then. I hate clip-on earrings so any vintage pair I can up-cycle into posts, I will. It’s funny you mention the Mortality charm necklace because one of my best friends Katy aka Kickball bought it a few months back, so I got to see her wearing it again at our wedding. She fell in love (her words) with it when we did a La Sera for Taxidermy Couture photo shoot. Luckily for me she used them as her press release photos. La Sera is her solo project. She's more known for her band "Vivian Girls". And again, that is a one-of-a-kind. Ninety percent of the materials used for that necklace were vintage parts.

I’m so jealous!  Any new ideas in the works for more killer necklaces or earrings?

I won't know until I make them, sorry. However, I am lucky that a collector in the mid-west (they are retired and go for nature excursions constantly) has decided they want to "clean out there closet" so to speak, so I have a large number of vertebrae, skulls, and wolf teeth coming in any day now!

I noticed you don’t have any bracelets or watches yet.  Ever think about including some pieces along those lines in future collections?

I've actually done a few pocket watch necklaces, all OOAK and all sold before I could even get them up on my site. I do gallery and trade shows and other events where I sell my work. I also sell my jewelry at Shotwell in Union Square, San Francisco (my current home) and at Modern Eden gallery in North Beach, SF. So, not everything makes it in my own online store. As far as bracelets, it’s funny. I've made a few, but I never really think to make more because I'm not much of a bracelet person myself. I have this thin gold wire I wear every day. Come to think of it, I might be on my third year of wearing it without ever taking it off. How funny! I never really thought about it.

So, if you weren’t doing what you’re doing, what do you think you would be?  A taxidermist?

Definitely not. I am actually squeamish. I don't think I could do any of the dirty work. If there is something I want to do, I'll try it out. However, I do love decorating. I could see myself in interior design. My husband and I love doing theme rooms in our house! We can't wait to own our own home one day and go crazy! Right now I'm starting some business classes. We want to move back to NYC and open our own small Brooklyn boutique. I'll continue to make jewelry of course, but we will fill the store up with any awesome artists’ work we can get our hands on. We're hoping this will happen within the next two years. More than half my online sales are from NYC, so that's a good sign.

[keerthana520131]

Research Point

Research into the still life genre

Still life was only made a genre in the late 16th century when more western professional artists started doing it. Since then it’s been developed in different ways through different mediums and is still used now. So I observed some still life works from the 16th century to now.

Fede Galizia, ‘Still Life’, 1607, Oil on panel

So what I notice first are the peaches in the dish. They are bright and stand out from the dark background. This makes me notice the artists arrangement. The peaches are the main focus of the painting with leaves and flowers to frame it right in the middle. The half cut apple and bell peppers (?) with one of the flowers helps to connect the main object with the background to balance out the painting. She’s made a clear choice of colours by keeping the warm peach colours together with the the dull greens, blue and grey around it. The placement of the green fruits create a rounded effect that makes your eye travel from left to right which complements the glass fruit stand.

Willem Kalf, ‘Still Life with a Nautilius Cup’, 1662, Oil on canvas

I noticed a lot of artists liked to use a half peeled fruit, a lemon or orange. I guess it looked fancy. The spiral is interesting to paint and the inside of the lemon too. It’s almost too bright here. The dish and platter reflect light to try and balance it out but I don’t think it worked. It looks like it was cut and pasted there. It’s like the artist wanted to show off by focusing on these three objects mainly and how well they are painted. The other objects are painted nicely as well but the lighting or something is off for me.

Simon Renard de St. André, ‘Vanitas Still Life’, oil on canvas

I like the still life paintings that have instruments and music sheets in it. They’re more interesting for me. A lot of the paintings like this one have skulls in them. I found that it’s called ‘vanitas’ which I think literally means vanities. It’s originally a term from the bible but it was used as an art term to describe a still life artwork which has objects designed to remind the viewer of their mortality and of the worthlessness of worldly goods and pleasures. This also linked to another art term called ‘momento mori’ which is supposed to remind the viewer of the fragility of human life. The objects chosen by the artists, in these paintings, would have to symbolise material wealth or the attachment to material objects that in reality aren’t worth anything.

Chardin, ‘The Attributes of the Arts and their Rewards’, 1766

The sculpture of the man is nearly in the centre and the colour allows it to catch the most light but also have a lot of shadow. The sculpture is like an excuse to draw a person in a still life. I think with the lighting and the warm colours it gives a homely sort of feeling. I notice that some still life paintings look like just an observation while others seem to connect different objects to tell a story or a message.

Paul Cezanne, ‘Still Life with Apples’, 1893-1894, Oil on canvas

From the sixteenth century to the seventeenth, the still life works still look very similar. It started with just objects then moved on to symbolical objects. This eighteenth century still life by Cezanne shows an immediate change from the older paintings. The choice of objects and arrangement are still the same but the way it’s painted is very different. While the older paintings focused on portraying the objects realistically, Cezanne seems to focus on how he paints the objects. It’s like he looked at the apples and thought “ if I get the shape, colour and texture right without going into detail, it will still look like an apple”. He picked out the main colours and tried to simplify a still life.

Paul Cezanne, ‘Still Life with a Skull’, 1895-1900, Oil on canvas

In this piece I can see that he has expanded on the idea and simplified it even more. The shadows around the objects have become harsh lines and give an almost flat look if it wasn’t for his colour blending. It almost looks like a cartoon. It’s hard to tell what the background is but it makes makes everything look distorted. Theres shadows in the back that look like pineapple leaves but there’s also hint of actual pineapples behind the other fruits.

Georges Braque, 'Still life with clarinet’, 1927, Oil on canvas

Moving into the nineteenth century there’s another drastic change. Braque has broken down the dimensions of the objects into shapes. You can make out different sides of the cup. The colours are mostly natural but you have to look closely to notice the shadows. The overlapping of some of the objects helps to distinguish which objects are closer and which objects are behind. Some things are hard to make out but you can still get a realistic image in your mind of what the setup might have looked like.

Pablo Picasso, ‘Nature Morte’ (Still Life), 1960, Colour Aquatint on Arches Paper

True to his cubist style Picasso brings out a still life like no other. At first glance it looks like a bunch of shapes and loopy lines but after that it’s easy to see three pears, a fruit bowl and a jug on a table. The pears actually have more detail than Braque’s fruits in the previous painting. He’s given two of the pears a rounded shape which lets you see the third pear the same way even though it doesn’t have the same shading to make it pop out.The jug seems to be flat but Picasso used darker colours at the top and bottom of the jug which makes the lighter colour in the middle stand out. By doing this he gives the jug dimension. The three triangles are like lenses. They stand out from the white background and the grey pears so they look like the first layer of the painting. It’s like you’re looking through them to see the dimension of the objects. It bring colour to the pears and even the handle of the jug is brighter. They tie the three dimensional pears to the two dimensional jug which balances out the whole painting.

Still life today

At first I couldn’t think of any examples of still life today. It’s actually very silly. My mind got used to seeing still life as paintings that I forgot that still life is around us all the time. 

“Essentially, the subject matter of a still life painting or sculpture is anything that does not move or is dead”

We’ve come really far from the sixteenth century and things are changing a lot faster. Still life can be seen in photography and sculptures. There are still artists who paint it however the subject matter is very different to traditional still life. Traditional still life started with painting objects as they are, there were a lot of fruits involved and flowers involved. It then moved on to changing the objects to symbolise and represent different things that were important at the time and to give a message to the viewer. Then it went on to changing the way in which the objects are painted. An experimental style which really changed the traditional way of doing a still life.

I think it was the cubist approach that really allowed people to confidently take on still life in different ways. The change of subject matter is definitely due to the time period. The traditional still life have similar subject matter because the interests at the time and what artists wanted to portray were mostly the same. I haven’t seen any older still life that steps out of the box. The cubist still life works look different but use similar objects to the older still life. 

Now we can see artists from different countries and cultures using still life in completely different ways. There’s such a variety of artists that we can see many different approaches. This could also be because we now have the internet, social media and books that gives us access to look at art from around the world.

Here are some examples I found:

Cindy Wright, ‘Nature Morte 2′, 2010, Oil on linen

I think this painting is similar to older still life because it uses a fish and is painted very realistically like the original still life. It is also similar in that it is trying to give a message to the viewer. However the message may be different to the old still life. I am not entirely sure what the artist wants to say. From what I can see, the huge fish has been stuffed into a goldfish bowl and looks like it is staring at us (the viewer). It’s kind of disturbing. Is she talking about the way we view animals or is it for the people who eat fish or other animals? 

Mark Quinn, ‘Self’, 2011, Sculpture, Blood (artist's), stainless steel, perspex and refrigeration equipment

This has an element of momento mori in it as it’s literally a head made of blood. The description for this project says that the sculpture depends on electricity to keep it’s frozen appearance but it also makes you think of what would happen if the electricity was stopped. It would probably fall apart and I think this is what makes it moment mori. It’s like a reminder that death can come at any time.