#when I was at community college I saw a girl who I graduated 8th grade with and she legit still looked the same | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

just-because-i-can · 4 years

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We all know that high school friendships come and go. Maybe not at the time while you’re still in high school, but anyone outside of high school can probably attest to that. Your BFF or BFFL in high school may not always keep that title. Don’t get me wrong, it happens, but not as often as some may think. If you and your high school bff are still bffs, that’s awesome congratulations. If they’re not, then you may be able to relate to this. In fear that people may not be happy with this and somehow discover who this is about (not that I think they are even on here anymore), I’m going to change names (obviously) and genders to spice things up.

I went to the same school for seven years (middle school and high school) where I kept a majority of the same friends throughout the years while also meeting new ones. Anyway, there was a girl I met in 6th grade who was my friend until senior year of high school. We weren’t best friends until 8th grade I believe but we would still say hi to one another in the hallways before that. She was great. I can’t remember if we got into a lot of arguments or not but whatever who cares.

Anyway, she and I were apart of a friend group with two boys. I feel like I should give them fake names now because it might get confusing down the line when I’m trying to refer to someone. So, we’ll name the girl Emily and the two other friends Jackson and Noah. So freshman year of high school, the four of us were apart of a larger friend group comprised of like...mini friend groups. I don’t know how else to explain that, but I hope you get it. So, around sophomore year we (Emily, Jackson, and Noah) started hanging out more with just us four. We were really close (though I think I was personally the closest with Emily), had a group message and would talk in it about anything and everything. We all confided in each other, blah blah blah. You know, normal best friend kind of stuff. So cool, we’re all always hanging out, texting, on snapchat, you know all that jazz.

Emily and I also had days where we would just hang out with the two of us, going to the mall, having sleepovers, you know just hanging out. I felt as though I could confide in her with anything I needed to. I went through a really bad rough patch junior year and beginning of senior year and she was always there for me (not that the others weren’t) and I appreciated her more than anything. She made me very happy and I could be my weird, crazy, self with her. She was my best friend.

Then the end of senior year comes along.

I was unfortunately moving after graduation which I hated (that’s a whole other story I won’t get into right now) but didn’t really have a choice. Even though I’d be going to college anyway, I wouldn’t be able to see all my friends over holiday breaks and what not. My last night with all my friends, Emily and I cried when it was time to part ways. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do without my best friends now that I was leaving. I saw them everyday for years and years so it would feel foreign without being able to just go over to their house or hangout. Now, I’ve had experience in the past with moving and having to make new friends but I was way younger back then. I didn’t keep in touch with any of those friends when I was younger because, hello, we were like eight or nine. We didn’t have phones, so it was kind of hard. There was email of course, but it wasn’t the same.

This time around when I moved I was so sure that our bond could never be broken and that we’d always keep in touch. Some of that was true, yes, but it was more complicated than that.

The next time I saw them was a year later when I went to visit them. Even though we still talked in our group message and on social media, it was still slightly awkward for me because I hadn’t seen them in so long. It was foreign to not be with them at first, but then it almost felt foreign actually being with them. Anyway, I stayed there for a couple weeks at Jackson’s house (which was very nice of him I still am very appreciative of that) and we all hung out and what not. When I left things were still kinda the same but I think maybe we didn’t talk as much in our group message anymore but it was still daily. Just not…every second you know, which is understandable we all had lives and we were all busy that wasn’t an issue for me.

The year ends, fast forward to summer of the following year, so about another year after I’ve seen them. My dad passed away during this time which was obviously very upsetting for me and when I told them in the group message they were all there for me. But two months later, all communication stopped in the group message. We still had our snapchat group message but only me, Jackson, and Noah really would talk in it. Now, I’m not an idiot, I knew way before this that they probably had another group message for times where they were hanging out together after I moved but I didn’t expect to be completely cut off from them like that. For months after I was extremely sad about it, and I felt so anxious. I’ve known that I have anxiety for years but around this time it got worse. I cried so often and with my dad passing and other horrible things that happened before that in the year, my life felt like it was falling apart.

I couldn’t stop thinking about if it was something I said or did that made them just stop talking in there. I thought I wasn’t good enough, I thought I annoyed them, I thought they were just sick of me. To this day I don’t really have an answer of why but at least I still have some type of communication with them. But then in one of our social media group messages, I noticed something that kind of hurt my feelings. Any time I would send something, Emily would just open it and not answer but if Jackson or Noah sent something, she would answer them almost immediately. At first I was like oh maybe it was just a coincidence but then it kept happening, and it actually still happens to this day. Happened about an hour ago actually. It’s like I no longer exist to her anymore. She doesn’t acknowledge my existence whatsoever.

Okay this is going to sound dumb because social media itself is dumb and ruining our minds (yet I still use it every day), but there were other little things I noticed her doing. Even on other apps she would open my messages or just leave me on read but if anyone else sent anything she would react to them or respond. There were very very few times when she would answer me and it would only be if she could relate. Like one time I said I was becoming re-obsessed with Harry Styles (yes I was one of those extremely obsessed directioners back in the day) and she responded and said “same”. But that was it. Nothing else. Still continued not acknowledging me but acknowledged Jackson and Noah. Then the summer rolls around again.

I was very surprised to get a text from her considering we haven’t talked on our own in probably over a year. I was honestly extremely nervous to see what she was even going to say but when I opened it, it wasn’t really anything. She asked me if I had pictures of us from a concert from our sophomore year. I said I did and then I think I told her to give me a minute so I could track them down and send them. It wasn’t until the next message she sent I believe that she asked me how I was. I was so blinded in the moment because I was just happy she was talking to me again. I had missed her so much and she probably didn’t even know but it made me smile because she was talking to me. The conversation didn’t last long after I sent the pictures and she hasn’t spoken to me since. She only texted me because she wanted the pictures and nothing else. I’m not a huge texter anymore so it’s not that in which I was bothered by, it was the fact that I felt like I was just being used.

A while ago now, I saw the caption of something she posted talking about how (this is not verbatim) it was crazy how you could be really close with someone one day and the next they’re like a complete stranger. Well, I definitely related to that because it was exactly how I felt with her. I know high school best friends don’t always last, but it does and most likely will with the three of them. It just sucks because I’ve never felt more left out and kind of embarrassed. I’m embarrassed because to this day, I still feel like I just wasn’t good enough. There are more little things I could say but I think the situation is clear enough without any more examples. Even if they still hurt my feelings whether it was a lot or little.

But I don’t want to make anyone feel guilty or be pitied, that’s not at all what me venting about this is about. I just thought that maybe if I was able to write this down I’d stop being consumed by the thoughts of it all the time. I want to move on, I really do. I’d like to focus on the friends now that actually talk to me but it’s so hard because that was one of the longest friendships I’ve had with someone where we were that close for that long.

#idk #idk what this is #rant #personal rant #venting #story #storytime #true story #bored #sad #whatever #because i can

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klausesdiego · 6 years

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the trial of my gender by maggie c.

below is the personal essay i wrote for my creative nonfiction class. it documents and talks about my struggle with accepting who i am and how i identify in terms of gender. please read the whole thing and be kind.

I sat at my dining room table, in the middle of the night, watching YouTube videos about people documenting their gender transition. It was fascinating to me, much in the same way that an outside observer would see any scientific study or conduction. To me it was simply that; I was an outside force that was interested in learning more about this topic. For research purposes. I was in 8th grade, so my fascinations tended to fringe to the edges of what was normal. I loved British panel shows, documentaries about serial killers, and even How It’s Made videos. Basically, I watched a large variety of videos that a typical 13 year old wouldn’t think to even look up. And one day I stumbled across the genre of gender transition videos. I believe I was looking up hair dying tutorials because this was around the same time I started experimenting with my hair color; regardless, I ended up watching voice comparisons, post-op surgery reports, and just vlogs in general of people venting their gender concerns. It wasn’t then and there that I realized that being transgender was a thing. I knew of it before that moment. But it was at the moment, the dining room deathly quiet and dark as night except for the illumination of my computer screen that I began to question my own gender.

Gender dictates everything in life. Everywhere you go, even from a young age, you are determined your worth through gender. And maybe it’s not as clear and forthright as you may think I’m trying to convey it as, but a closer eye can see that nearly everything in life, is based on gender. From an early age, even preschool or kindergarten, you are divided by gender. They tell the boys to be a group and the girls to be a group. And at that young age it is ingrained in everyone’s brain that gender is a binary. Gender is male or female and there is no inbetween. It won’t be until high school,l at least, that people will learn that sometimes people fall outside of those binary lines. Maybe you were a male who dressed or acted a little too feminine for everyone’s liking. Maybe you were deemed a “tomboy” simply because you prefered board shorts to bikinis. But at the end of the day, the people around you will label you as a gender that is either male or female. And that isn’t the case. If gender is a binary code of 1’s and 0’s, then everything that doesn’t fit within that code is labeled “nonbinary”. Gender non-conforming, transgender, androgynous, agender, genderqueer whatever you want to call yourself, there are things that lie beyond that binary.

Even when I was young, I didn’t know where I was supposed to fall in the gender binary. I knew that because of how I was born that I was deemed female. Assigned female at birth. That’s what some people call it. But it didn’t really seemed assigned. It didn’t feel like a government assigned label, like a social security number. It truly felt like a piece of my identity. At least, partially. When I was a freshman in highschool I finally berated my mom to the point where she let me cut my hair short into what I called a “pixie” cut. I tried to find the most feminine word for it, hoping that it would sway her opinion. This was soon after I learned the wonders of gender transition videos and watching them soon became a daily habit. In the end I looked like Justin Bieber from 2009, but I didn’t care. I was in love with it. My face was too rounded, my lips were too full. But my hair seemed right, finally. When I was a sophomore in highschool I came out to my parents as transgender. I wrote the date down in my calendar but said calendar has long since seen the trash can after one too many times of me cleaning my bedroom out of anxiety-ridden panic. I told them I wish I was born a male. And the funniest part about that? I don’t even think they remember. Sure, we had a good cry and my mom hugged me, telling me she would love me no matter who or what I wanted to become, but after that night, we never spoke of it again. My parents kept leaving little hints here and there that I might be a lesbian, saying things like “whoever you decide to marry” or “your future significant other”, but they never mentioned my gender. I was always going to be their little girl. And for a while, only my closest friends knew about who I was.

For a graphic design class I took in college, we had to construct a poster series about a serious issue that we were concerned about. The professor used his personal example of heroine usage in York, Pennsylvania and shared stories about it affecting his life directly. At this point in my life I was pretty confident in being unconfident in my gender, so naturally, I gravitated towards transgender-related topics. I learned that every 4 days a person who is transgender gets murdered. I made the poster in the style of a calendar with a bouquet of flowers every 4 days with the flowers being the color scheme of the transgender flag. I thought it was somber but albeit fitting. Learning that terrible fact was a shock for me. I knew that people who were transgender were discriminated, harassed, assaulted, and killed. But at that rate? It made me scared for my life. I was glad, for once in my life, that I presented myself as my biological gender. It was my safety net. Plausible deniability.

Rewind to high school, sophomore year to be exact, I started going by a different name, a more masculine name, online in gender support groups. My closest friend to me, the only one who knew about this whole thing, asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a boy. I told her it didn’t matter. It did matter to me though. I wanted to be referred to a boy but I didn’t want to go through the hoops of having to change everything about my outer life to simply appease the gnawing feeling inside of me. At night, I wished that I could just wake up one morning with a different body and a different background. It didn’t matter to me how or why, I just felt that all of my problems with who I was would be solved if I had been more biologically male.

One of my friends from middle school is transgender. He started transitioning in his freshman year of college and I followed his journey of finding himself through Instagram. He seems genuinely happy and I feel happy for him everytime I see one of his posts. A different friend of mine, from highschool this time, thought he was a lesbian at the time, and it wasn't until he graduated high school that he decided he wanted to transition to male and be who he truly was. Even at college now, I know of people who have found themselves and their gender through time and experience. They say that cancer affects everyone because everyone knows someone who has been a victim of it. But this works the same for the transgender community. Nearly everyone knows someone. And if they say don’t, then they probably know a closeted person.

For a few years after sophomore year, I decided to let my gender identity go to the back burner, after all I had more important things on my plate: college applications and getting my driver's license. It wasn’t until I was a freshman in college, going to my first meeting of the Gay Straight Alliance that I realized I could reinvent myself No one here knew who I was. So when it came time to say my name and pronouns, I said my birth name, a name I still hold very dear to my heart, and the pronouns “they/them”. It may look like dipping your toe in the water to some people, testing to see if it’s the perfect temperature, but to me it was like taking a running jump and going into a cannonball. I was out. No matter what I was. No matter what I identified as. I was not cisgender anymore.

The idea of cisgender became a hot debate online in forum posts all around. Some people saw the shortening of it to “cis” as a slur much to the way that transphobic people would call transgender people tr*nny’s. But, in reality, it was just a label that society had created to say that your birth gender matched up with the gender you identified as. Most people are cisgender and for a lot of people their knowledge ends just there. Maybe they don’t even know the term cisgender at all. Maybe they are blissfully unaware of the struggles that people go through everyday just by existing. Maybe they just don’t care.

My cousin came out as transgender in an odd way. Through Facebook. She just posted briefly that she had begun hormone replacement therapy. She was already known as the extreme left-wing of the family. She had moved out to California to pursue a degree in gender studies. We all assumed she was just gay, not that she was actually a she. My sister-in-law’s sister came out as transgender, deciding to transition in her late 30’s despite having a wife and daughter. It was then that I realized that being transgender, having a different idea of who you are than from when you were born, isn’t just a fad that people on the internet were adhering to. This was a real thing. I felt justified in that moment. And my feelings felt like they had some grounding for the first time in a while.

In the gender support groups online, I was still a pretty active member at this point, I started going by masculine pronouns instead, still keeping my name the feminine one I was given at birth. This raised a lot of questions as to why I wanted to keep my name, but ultimately it boiled down to the fact that my name didn’t bother me that much. In reality, it just seemed to bother other people more. Like they couldn’t imagine someone by the name of Jennifer being a male. But I knew that it didn’t matter what other people thought of me. I started wearing exclusively sports bras, trying to smother my chest as best as possible. I was on my way to becoming who I wanted to be.

A lot of people who are transgender call their birth names their “dead names”. They see it as exactly that. That other person is dead to society. They have reinvented themselves much like how a phoenix rises from the ashes. While I had experimented with other names, more masculine names, as stated above, I felt a deep connection with my birth name and I didn’t see myself changing it anytime soon. But then again, my reluctance to not change my name was not really based on my affections for said name. Rather, it was me, once again, not wanting to go through the hoops and hurdles of having to change my outer life so much to fit the way I saw myself inside. In my head I knew who I was. What did it matter that other people saw something different? At the end of the day I know that by the end of my gender journey if I decide to change my name, or at least go by a different name, I would be perfectly fine with that. But my birth name would always hold a dear part in my heart.

I came out to my parents as bisexual in an unusual way. It was actually before I went to college. We were on a road trip to visit one of the colleges I had been accepted to and we stopped at a Burger King for lunch. It was bisexual awareness day and so I posted something on Instagram about it. My mom turned to me, and just said, “So, bisexual, huh?” And it was left at that. You might have sensed a theme that my parents aren’t the best with continuing communication by now. I think, some strange part of me deep down inside of me knew, my parents were glad that in their eyes I wasn’t “fully gay”. There was still a chance I would settle down with a nice Christian boy and have 2.5 kids with a white picket fence. And there still is that chance. But there is also the chance that I find a nice girl and we settle down, opting for cats instead of children. I remember, years later, talking to my parents in my living room about weddings. My sister was getting married and I dropped the bomb casually that I may end up marrying a woman. My mother, my closest friend in the entire world, started crying at this. It left me shattered in a way that I haven’t fully recovered from. She told me she would always love me but that she didn’t know how she would feel if she had to have my father give me away to a woman instead of a man. I left to my room heartbroken and sobbed myself to sleep that night.

After I came out to my parents as transgender, I did a lot of research about hormone replacement therapy and how parents view their children who were transgender. I would sit on the bus on the way home from freshman year high school and Google terms like “what to do if my child is transgender” or “female to male teen transition”. I was trying to research what I imagined my parents would be researching. In reality, we know that they never mentioned again to me so for all I know, they never did any research. For all I know they erased that day of their lives out of their memory. For me, however, it will be forever ingrained in my memory. It was the first day I started being true to myself. I was truthful when I told my parents I was transgender. I was truthful when I told my parents I wish I would have been born a male. I just left out the part where I didn’t actually want to live my life as a male. Not fully. I was nonbinary. Genderqueer. Agender. Or even, all of the above.

My experience with gender isn’t anywhere over and I don’t see it being over anytime soon. As of right now, I identify as nonbinary, dancing in some weird abyss of not being female and not being male. I see it as more of a burden than an identity. The fact that I can’t pinpoint exactly who I am is frustrating, but a lot of people don’t see it in the same way. That’s the magic of it being a spectrum; there will be people who feel everything at every point in said spectrum. Some people out there will love being nonbinary and the freedom that it gives them. Most people don’t feel like me. Most people don’t see being nonbinary as a burden or something at fault. But for me, I hope to one day find myself and who I truly am, even if that is what I already know.

When I first cut my hair short freshman year of high school, someone asked me if I was gay. Gay, in today's terms, sort of means the same as queer. Anything other than the normal. Gay emcompasses anything revolving around the LGBT community for some people. I told them no. It felt like cutting a piece of myself out. One of the deadliest sins a Christian can commit is denying their Lord. When asked if you are a Christian, a Christian must respond yes, or else they sacrifice their ticket to their afterlife. To me, answering no felt like I was denying myself that ticket to the gay afterlife. If asked that same question today, I would look them in the eye, think of the LGBT heaven I was destined for, and say yes.

#text it #rm #yeah #me #mine:writings #?? i guess

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lettersfromstrangers-blog1 · 6 years

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By the time I realized what it was it was all I knew

To no one in particular,

Everything seems to make so much sense in retrospect. But when you’re there, it seems like wave after wave with no concept of the ocean.

In a way, I think I’m lucky. I’ve been struggling since I can remember; I’ve gotten really good at dealing with it. But on the other hand, I can’t help but think about all of the things I’ve missed out on.

I guess I should start at the beginning. Looking at my parents, one could tell that I was going to be pretty messed up. My mother endured the abusive nature of her own parents. She never learned what love meant and she is always paranoid. My father was raised in a strict household but ended up a train jumper. My mother “adopted” him while she was in college and thus the chaotic relationship began. Drugs, avoiding the police, emotional manipulation, and romance. Surprisingly, my parents were married and owned a house, albeit in the middle of nowhere, before I was born. They passed down some good traits, some mediocre ones, and a high chance at problems with addiction and a predisposition for poor mental health.

I moved to the city right around when I turned 2. I don’t have many memories, before then, and I think living in the same city most of my life has done me some good. When we first arrived, we stayed with my parents' friends before securing an apartment of our own. I was an older sister now so I always had someone to play with and protect. But I guess our little nuclear family wasn’t perfect. My mother thought that she was in a loving relationship, but when she started seeing my brother and me reenacting their fights she realized that this wasn’t right. She found God and stopped drinking, using drugs, smoking, and drinking coffee all at once. But my father didn’t have the same change of heart. So we left.

I remember when my mother told me we were going to leave. I went into my room and packed up all my clothes and was ready to go. I was not even 5 years old. When my father told me that my mother was taking my brother and I away, his tears on my face, I just sat there.

And so we left and I never saw my father again. We moved a lot after that. I went to the same school and had my mother and brother but it was still a lot of change for a little girl. I was very quiet and probably quite anxious even back then.

Things were alright for a while. I only have a couple of bad moments from elementary school. On a trip to visit my grandpa when I was about 9, I had a very interesting experience. He lives off a lake in a nice house. One night, my mother brother and I were all asleep in the same bed. I woke up screaming and crying. It felt like I was on the ceiling looking down at myself and I couldn’t do anything. I woke up the next morning with a crippling fear of fish and anything else that lives in the water. Awful inconvenient when you’re visiting a lake. That was about 10 years ago and I still get an anxiety spike even looking at a picture of a little fish.

The worst of it came in middle school though. I had attended the same school since kindergarten and I was petrified of change. But at the same time, the school I was in was really hard and I didn’t think I could keep up with it. I visited the local public middle school but it was so big and I knew no one their and I think that’s when I had my first panic attack.

I continued going to the school I knew and it wasn’t as awful as I had imagined. At least not work wise. I started feeling tired most of the time. I felt physically ill and it felt like the bones in my forearms were numb and freezing cold. In the 7th grade, I had a really tough literature class that did not work well with my mother being in college again and us getting home late every night. I would set an alarm for 3 in the morning, do my homework, and if I was lucky I could go back to sleep for a little while. That alarm caused me so much panic, I wouldn’t even dare to listen to it again.

In the 8th grade, things went from tough to worse. My brother started having some serious issues of his own and that coupled with the constant social exsertion really hit me. I was the strong one but I was barely holding on. I thought I was just weak. I missed so many Fridays from school because the week had completely destroyed me again and again. I got my first C on a math test. I slept too much or not at all. And then the year was over and I had made it.

But then the thought of high school was crippling. I had gone to the same school for 9 years and I was comfortable even if I hated it. But a new school that was so big was terrifying. But I selected classes, toured the school, and bought supplies. I even went to school the first day. I had decent teachers and reunited with an old friend. I sat with nice kids for lunch. It was the best I could hope for.

I couldn’t do it. My brother had already decided on attending an online school the year I started high school, and after attending for a couple of days, I asked my mother if I could do the online school instead. That school ended up being a really bad match for our family and my brother and I ended up being “homeschooled” for a year. With my mother gone all day every day we didn’t do much learning. I didn’t talk to anyone other than my mother and I very rarely left the house. My appetite was all over the place and I spent hours doing practically nothing. I slept a lot. That’s all I really remember.

I missed a year of my life.

The next year, we enrolled in a new online school and that actually went really well. I had earned 3 high school credits in middle school, so I was really only half a year behind. I still barely left the house, but I would go to meet my teacher a couple times a month. I started talking to a couple of the kids in my neighborhood and started going outside. It was during this time too that I learned about mental health. Looking through site after site I was so shocked to see how many things I thought were my own defects were parts of actual illnesses. Even now, I’m learning about symptoms that I was experiencing.

I started creating a routine and the depression started to fade. I got comfortable and I was happy for almost year.

Around the end of my first year at the new online school, my teacher advised that I should apply for their early college program. I was just settling into the school and I really liked it, but I applied and made it in. I attended some meetings and went to the community college a few towns over to take placement tests. I learned the 2-hour bus route and registered for classes. It wasn’t really in my mind. But the summer started to pass and I got scared again. The Friday before I was supposed to start classes I completely broke down. Another panic attack, this time in front of my mother. I quickly dropped my classes and signed up for the ones online. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be.

As this was going on, my 16th birthday was approaching. My neighbor and friend was a couple of months older than me and had gotten her first job. She really wanted to work with her friends and one day, she called me out of my house, took my ipod touch and filled out the better half of a job application for me. I called my mother and was almost in tears when I said: “I think I just applied for a job.” I think this is when the anxiety really came in full force. I interviewed, called, got lost on the bus and ended up with a job. I was so scared but part of my fear is that I won’t be perfect. So even though I was scared I was a really good worker. And it’s amazing how quickly desensitization can set in. At work, I became close to more people my age, as well as some folks who were older, and I wasn’t as scared. The norms of teenagehood were fascinating to me but not things I wanted keen on partaking in. I lived through my friends. I thought I was better.

I continued with the online school and graduated on time. Part of me wishes I would have attended this school my freshman year so I could graduate early but part of me is just proud that I didn’t let that dead year stunt me too much.

The thought of college came up again. I was scared to try again, but I was more scared of not. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. I’m not sure if I do yet. But I thought college would be a good place to figure it out. This time I would be within walking distance of home, and I had a friend to take a class with. I geared up, registered for classes, and actually showed up the first day. And then the second day. I actually really liked school. I made friends. I made good grades. And I was still working a lot. But the anxiety was always there. It still is. I get all riled up so frequently. I’m happier now though, I know a lot more about myself. I know that when I’m anxious, I’m anxious. I’ve learned healthy coping mechanisms. I allow myself 2 times a year to truly break down.

I’m not better. I’ve just learned to deal with it. It tells me that I won’t be me without it. That feeling can get really suffocating. But looking at how far I’ve come in the last few years gives me hope that I can go further. It’s a lot easier to try when you don’t want to be dead. Whenever it gets bad I remember that I’ve been through worse and made it out. I don’t partake in bad habits that would be a toxic band-aid over my life. I’m quite frankly proud.

It sucks. It makes you physically ill. But every breath you take is a fight against it. When you push yourself an inch, you’re telling it that it can’t control you. And that is so powerful. It might be a fight in your head but it’s really a matter of life and death. Don’t let it win. You’re here for a reason. You are so strong

#letter #depression #anxiety #tw: family

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bloodline-rpg · 5 years

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Congratulations, Ange! We have accepted your application for your OC Penelope Barlow (FC: Victoria Pedretti) Please create a blog for your character and send us the link via ask box as soon as you can. Welcome to Bloodline!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name/Alias: Ange

Age: 30

Preferred pronouns: she/her/hers

Timezone: EST

Level of activity (don’t give your activity a number value, please describe how active you will be as best as possible): Moderate on weekdays, much higher on weekends.

CHARACTER DETAILS

Character’s Name: Penelope Barlow

Desired FC: Victoria Pedretti

Character’s Age: 25

Character’s Species: Holistic Witch

Character’s Sexuality: Bisexual

CHARACTER BIOGRAPHY

Hiding her magic was never really a necessity for Penny Barlow – until the hunts began. The Barlows owned one of the most successful occult stores in Chicago, where they were able to sell holistic magic supplies like gemstones and herbs alongside bumper stickers and chakra stones and the ever-popular incense. Sure, they saw their handful of self proclaimed ‘witches’ who swore that a lavender bath and a piece of rose quartz was key to the best self-care ritual ever. But most of the world just rolled their eyes at the crunchy pagans who asserted the Easter bunny was a fertility god and pulled their children out of school for Halloween under the guise of a ‘religious holiday.’ Her parents called it hiding in plain sight.

And for years, it worked. From a young age, Penny’s parents instilled that her skills had a time and place. She attended public school, so while a quartz necklace for mental clarity on final exam day was okay, scratching sigils into the barcode area of her scantron sheet to trick the machine into giving her a perfect score was not. She got grounded for a month in the 8th grade for that one, but her dad confessed at her high school graduation party that he secretly thought it was genius. Penny was an undergrad when the hunts began. The government paid her family a visit during the holiday break, but when none of them began screaming as a small crystal of himalayn salt was laid against their forearms, they were let go. No more consorting with the magical community, they were advised. Penny’s father worked tirelessly to rebrand his store as a gemstone, fossil, and natural wonder shop, hoping to pay the bills while still serving their local community under the radar. But in the fall of 2019, Penny was elbow and knee-pads deep in a mine of New Mexico as part of her internship with her geology and material sciences program when the call came in: there’d been an accident at the family shop. A gas explosion, the reports said, and everything was destroyed, including the home and her family that had been housed above it. She didn’t need anyone to tell her that it wasn’t a gas leak. Not an accidental one, at any rate. Under the guise of going home to make arrangements, Penny booked her flights back to Chicago on her emergency credit card. But when her Uber dropped her off at the busy Albuquerque airport, she slipped back down the escalators from the ‘departures’ floor and made her way to the public bus stop. Under no circumstances did she intend to have her ticket scanned by TSA two days after her family was murdered for being witches. Getting up to San Francisco was easy. She spent the better part of a month staying on a friend’s couch from undergrad and trying to make connections in the city’s very, very underground magical community. It was there that she heard about Carden Manor, from another witch who said it was a place for anyone magical, a place to offer protection and practice magic freely while they prepared to take a stand. To Penny, that sounded a hell of a lot better than another night spent hoping her friend’s apartment door didn’t get kicked in by men in tactical gear, so she packed her meager bags and started hitch-hiking East. Most days, Penny’s use of her magic is almost instinctual. While her supplies have been significantly limited from being on the run, she’s learned a great deal about improvising and the importance of her willpower in her rituals. She can often be found carrying a sprig of dried rosemary or mint in her pocket. Scratching sigils into the dirt or penciling them onto a door frame before bed is almost as routine as brushing her teeth.

CHARACTER PERSONALITY

Penny has spent a lifetime being known to most of her world as the weird kid, or that girl, but even years of being socially outcast has done little to quell her unending sense of curiosity. It was that same sense of curiosity that made her a great researcher and a bit of a nerd, studying geology and minerals in college for the scientific knowledge while backing it up on the side with the magical knowledge. Like most straight A students, she’s exceptionally good at appearing to follow the rules, but has spent a lifetime learning how to skirt them. Whether it be to sneak extra cookies or get out of her homework or figure out how to make a ritual work when she’s missing an important ingredient, her sheer stubbornness and ability to fake it has gotten her further than she’d thought it would, and more than once in her days on the run, she’s expected the illusion to all fall through. PLOTS AND POLITICS

While Penelope is aware of Original Witches and the differences in the types of magic they possess, she hasn’t had many interactions with them. Most of her life, she’s interacted with humans or other holistic witches. She hates hunters the one hates any violent regime, and does not blame all of humanity for the failings of their leadership. To Penny, the very idea of Carden Manor sounds like a good night’s sleep, and she’s incredibly grateful for it. She desperately wants to find a safe place to recoup and prepare to fight. Immortal Witches were probably only things she heard whispers of in dark corners in San Francisco.

In terms of plot, I’d honestly, I’d love to see more holistic witches in general on the dash, but specifically with Penny, I want to explore the different kinds of holistic magic that she could bring to the manor. When faced with a battle, her brain would go first to small potion jars that she can toss like Molotov cocktails. She’d be extremely interested in making connections with other witches and looking to merge their magic in ways that could better arm the Manor. For example, she’d be endlessly fascinated with a witch like Ericka who can utilize plants and obviously has a wildly strong connection to nature. She’d want to know how her powers work and see if it was possible to interlace them with a ritual or sigils or other holistic elements to create a passive warning or defensive system. I’d also love to get her involved with the other holistic witches in some bigger plots looking at the war overall, whether it’s focusing on the evolution of magic and if they can continue to grow it, or how to combine their powers in ritual, or the intermingling of a cooperating trio of an original, immortal, and holistic witch, things like that.

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jess951000 · 7 years

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I know I write a lot of these and I know Taylor may never see them, but if she does I want to say thank you for helping me get through all of the things mentioned in this post.

First grade is my earliest memory of being bullied. I was bullied by my teacher. She kept me out of story time and made me clean my desk instead. She kept me from show and tell and made me clean my locker. I have the agenda book where I wrote how sad and out of place I felt...mostly with sad faces. We had to show how we felt each day. I wrote sad faces.

I was home schooled for second grade and felt left out because my brother and sister went to school everyday. It was tough. I was diagnosed with ADD and Bipolar Disorder when I was 5. Mild Retardation Disorder when I was 6 or 7. I learned how to read in kindergarten but was set back in first grade due to how I was treated and relearned when I was being homeschooled. I have a just below average IQ. My deficits are with math and problem solving. I'm 22 years old now but when I was 18 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and told my bipolar was gone.

In third grade I was put in a school for special needs kids. They didn't teach me anything so I was put back in mainstream school and kept in third grade. I made friends at the special needs school. A nonverbal girl and an autistic boy. In mainstream I didn't have many friends. I made a friend with a girl who was really screwed up. She thought it would be okay to hit my sister over the head with a 2×4 piece of wood. I never saw her again after that. That was in 3rd grade. In 4th grade I was friends with a girl who was a bad influence again she tried to glue the doors to lockers together and then when I proved to be a goodie two shoes she dropped me as a friend.

In 5th grade is where the real problems started. I was alone. I felt helpless. It was my first day of middle school and 2 girls who happened to be sisters asked if I wanted to be their friend. I said yes. I was desperate for friends. They were goth. Wore all black and one of them had piercings already. I was invited to their house. We hung out for about 3 months. They had other friends and whatever that didn't like me too much. They walk up to me in one of the classes the three of us shared together after talking to their friends and said I was too weird and I couldn't hang around them anymore then walked away. I pretended I was okay when I was hurting inside. I was alone the rest of the year waiting for summer to come.

6th grade..it was time to sign up for the school musical. I decided to do it since my sister was doing it too. First day of rehearsal a girl walks up to me and starts talking as if we are already best friends. At first I paid her no attention because I thought she was talking to one of the many other people around me but I soon realized no one was looking at her and she was looking at me. I asked her if she was talking to me. She said yes who else? I was shocked and excited. My self esteem by this point was so low that when I walked down the hallway I would literally look at the floor. I didn't want to see the people who made fun of me. I would keep walking and not look up. This girl pulled me out of my slump for a little while. She introduced me to a few people who I became friends with also. We hung out together all the time. We went to eachotjers houses. I felt that I finally fit in somewhere.

8th grade has a bit of a backstory that starts in 7th grade. So here it goes. .In seventh grade people talked about this horrible teacher. She was so mean and horrible that anyone who had her class was doomed to a year of torment. I thought being a good kid and all that it was no big deal. She was a special education teacher which I didn't know at the time. In computer class she ended up subbing because that was her free period and out teacher had an emergency or something. She screamed at me for being off task when I was not off task. I was so speechless another student had to tell her that I was on task. She singled me out for no good reason. As soon as I got off the bus to go home I started balling my eyes out. I was always a good kid to avoid that kind of confrontation. Remember earlier I was too much of a goody two shoes. I still was by this point. I kept my head down and got through the day. I begged my mom not to let me have this teacher. I cried and when I finally got my 8tb grade schedule I was so excited. I didn't have her. Then my mom had to throw a fit about me not having a special education classes. The teachers said they didn't think I needed it that year. I was doing just fine on my own. I never had to ask for help. I was Good. My mom Insisted. I got my new schedule and of course that teacher was on it. I go to school thinking it can't be too bad. She won't be that mean all the time. It was just a misunderstanding. I was so wrong it's not even funny. First day of class when your supposed to hand in certain forms and things. My mom forgot to sign mine and I got screamed at for it. It was not in my control. Then I get screamed at again for taking too long on my quiz to see how much I remember from last year. It was math so that's why it took so long. It was in my IEP which is documentation stating special accommodations for special needs students that I was allowed to just walk out of class to use the restroom and that I was allowed to bring my computer to class to take notes. She never read it. She screamed at me for both. My mom then sent a note stating she isn't allowed to scream at me because i was going home early for hyperventilating. She threw it in the trash and screamed at me for giving her fake notes. My mom then had my psychiatrist write a note. She did the same thing. She then got told by other parents that this teacher was deliberately bullying me and that they recommend pulling me out of the school I was in. So she did. I was put in online school for 2 years. It was twice as hard and I was not a self motivator so it was hard on my mom too.

8th grade also my mom got told by my best friends mom that she was moving her daughter to a different school because I was too different to be her friend. Her exact words were "My daughter needs better friends and yours isn't a part of that" when she went to that new school she made new friends and didn't want to hang out as often and eventually broke off contact with me. I still had my 2 other friends but she was my closest friend.

10th grade I go back to regular school and was put in a lunch with 7th and 8th graders who were moved to our school because the elementary school closed down. I went to the guidance counselor and asked to be moved to the lunch where my friends were. She did me a favor and let me be transferred. We had A B C and D lunch. I was moved from C to D lunch. My "friends" put their bags on the seat, had other people sit by them, etc etc. To keep me from sitting near them. I started running to lunch to be able to sit by them. It worked. The next red flag that they weren't my friends anymore but pretending to be was when I invited everyone to a cook out in 11th grade and they all said they would come and so I set everything up on the day and was waiting. 5 minutes til the time I said everyone cancelled. "Oh I have period cramps" "Oh I can't make it my mom has a thing" that sort of thing. They lied to me and didn't come. I was so upset. I sat at the table surrounded by the food and snacks and cried. One of those friends wanted me to help plan her birthday party but I wasn't allowed to be there. I was allowed to plan it but I wasn't allowed to come. That was low.

For senior prom one of my friends was talking a few weeks before about getting a limo. A week before she told me there was no limo and we would meet at prom. I get there and meet with them. Prom was on a boat. They had tables set up some for people and some just there with table cloths. We chose a table that sat only 4 people. Both my friends had dates but I did not. I suggested pushing tables together. There was an unoccupied table next me. Their response was oh no we can't there might be someone sitting there. There was no silverware. No purses. No bags. No indication that anyone could sit there. I just said ok fine and pulled up an empty chair to the end and their table. Later that night my zipper broke on my dress. I asked for one of my friends to find the t4acher who we knew to have Bobby pins and clips for this kind of disaster because if I stood up my everything would be showing. They threw a fit "why can't you do it yourself" "why don't you go sit with your sister" "why did you come without a date" my dress was falling apart...my sister was sitting with her friends doing her thing...i didn't think having a boyfriend was that important...unlike my one friend whose mom set her up with a total stranger.....hmmmm....i Then later found out both my friends came in a limo....imagine that there was a limo....i confronted them about it and was told it was a surprise...nothing personal. I called bs because she had been talking about it for weeks...i was alone the rest of the year. We graduated...i went to the local community college for a year and a half. One of my former friends was there and we talked some but after that we haven't. I didn't have any friends. After college because it didn't work out. I flunked out because of the math. I spent too much time on it only to fail math and a few other classes. I spent 2 years in bedroom in my parents house watching tv and wondering where I belonged in life.

My mom then when I turned 22 convinced me to join this special needs bowling group. I met a lot of people there and became friends with them. Everyone had different abilities and deficits and I liked this group because it focused on the abilities. My whole life everyone focused on what needed to be fixed or worked on with me and I finally found people that cared about what I could do. Then one day that all changed when one of the girls who I'm not blaming because she gets facts twisted in her mind and they get turned negative told her mom that I called her a lesbian. I did not say anything like that to her but her mom believed her. I had one other girl who was there back up what I said. This girls mom started saying that I was doing all these horrible things. She said I was saying mean things about her daughter and some other girls. She got a bunch of other parents behind her including a leader of another group I joined after the bowling group. I was shunned from the group. I stopped being invited to events. I was blocked by most of the people. The friend that backed me up became and still is my only friend. She almost got kicked out of the group herself just for backing my story. I was shunned. I lost a bunch of friends.

The adults in my life have been the ones who did the most harm to my wellbeing. After that last incident I decided not to care what others thought anymore because I know the truth. I know who I am. I give Taylor swift most of the credit for helping me through all of this crap because right after my last bout of bullying she came out with look what you made me do and it made my life so much happier. It helped me to move on and to be better. I still go to bowling. I still see these people but I'm not angry anymore. I am bashing their hate with total kindness and so far I've been getting snotty looks from the moms but no one had said or done anything. I'm still talking to my friends even though I can't hang out at their houses and be as close as we were their moms can't say anything without looking bad. As long as I am nice and kind...which I am anyway...there is nothing they can do. I'm using Selena Gomez quote "kill em with kindness" and Taylor swift "shake it off" "look what you made me do" I am thriving and there isn't a person out there that can bring me down!

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onestowatch · 5 years

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The Albums That Got Us Through School | Staff Picks

Life would not be the same without music. That sentiment holds twice as true when it comes to talking about one’s school years. At a time when you are going through seemingly-infinite transitional phases and overwhelming confusion is at an all-time high, music exists as both an escape and connecting force to the world outside your immediate purview; music can become something larger than yourself.

Quite possibly the only thing in existence capable of connecting The Plastics and the rest of us, how would middle school, high school, and college us existed without those albums that quite literally defined teenage us? After all, we all didn’t grow up with lofi hip hop radio - beats to study/relax to. So, we asked ourselves what one album served as our guiding light through those tumultuous school years.

Avril Lavigne - Let Go

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From the palpable agony in “Losing Grip,” to the innocent infatuation in “Sk8er boi,” to the tear-worthy loneliness in “I’m with You,” there’s no album that guided me through the early 2000s more than Avril Lavigne’s Let Go. Introducing an emo side of pop music, Lavigne’s dark and relatable lyrics undoubtedly rescued countless young women in the face of hormonal angst. Truth be told, I still bump it in the car more often than not.

-Yasmin Damoui

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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In terms of pure listening time, Panic! at the Disco’s debut or Green Day’s American Idiot likely takes the prize for scoring my school years. However, no album embodied the overwhelming teenage urge to grow up quite like Neutral Milk Hotel’s landmark album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Released over a decade before I would ever dare to play Jeff Magnum’s haunting fuzz-folk’s meditations over the school’s PA system (the result of a misguided initiative to allow students greater control over the lunch playlist) to this day, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea exists as a nostalgia-ridden reminder to days and nights spent trying to uncover a greater, hidden meaning behind all the noise.

-Maxamillion Polo

Drake - Thank Me Later

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From late nights on Facebook writing statuses dedicated to my crush to "Shut it Down," to queuing up "Miss Me" on the bus to school so that it'd start playing as soon as I stepped off... damn. That album really has everything. The braggadocios, the late-night simp tunes, a fun, flirty track for the ladies. You name it baby. It shaped me into the versatile king that I am today, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

-Green Lee

Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral

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Masterfully melding the bellicose but anxious feelings of my wintery youth, the downward spiral lyrically guided me to the heights of teenage cliché. I stopped playing sports. I became deliberate and moody at house parties. I wrote terrible facsimile poetry to my much prettier and interesting girlfriends. I joined bands one week, quit them the next. All the bad decisions buoyed by this great album, my adolescence summarized succinctly, you could have it all, my empire of dirt.

-David O’Connor

Kanye West - Graduation

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The album that got me through college was Kanye West’s Graduation. I was a junior in college when this song was out and it signified a lot of change in my life which coincided with Kanye’s progress in musical prowess. The nights we would drive around off-campus listening to “Flashing Lights” are some nights I’ll remember forever. Kanye’s legendary ‘Glow In The Dark’ tour was based on this album cycle. I remember driving two hours on a weeknight just to catch this show near my hometown with three of my friends. This moments I had around this album will always mean a lot to me.

-Malcolm Gray

Blink-182 - Blink-182

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Blink-182’s self-titled album was undoubtedly the album that got me through my pre-teen and teenage years. Growing up in the Northshore of Chicago (yes the same Northshore that Mean Girls was based off of, and yes that movie was crazy accurate about the kids I was surrounded by), it was hard to find who you actually are in the midst of rumors, bullying and cliques. The album showed growth in maturity, while still sticking to individualism. Unlike most of Blink’s albums, this album showed a more mature side to their art. That was super important for me to remember, simply because it prevented me from getting warped into the egotistical bubble most of my peers found themselves in. It was also the album that really inspired me to get involved with music and touring, so I have to give those guys in Blink some mad props.

-Joe Leggitino

Bring Me The Horizon - Sempiternal

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No band was able to simultaneously capture and validate the whirlwind of emotions I experienced on a daily basis in my early teenage years quite like Bring Me the Horizon. Their fourth studio album, Sempiternal, included songs such as “Can You Feel My Heart” and “Shadow Moses,” which contain brutally honest lyrics that related to my internal struggles in a way music had never done before. Furthermore, because of my newfound love for Bring Me the Horizon, I was welcomed into the punk/metal community with open arms. Gaining acceptance into this new community fundamentally changed my high school experience because as frontman Oli Sykes said, “Other hurting people can be the best therapy.”

-Alissa Williams

Shania Twain - UP!

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I got this huge purple boombox one year for Christmas and got really into CDs. I found this Shania Twain CD at a Best Buy clearance aisle one day with my Dad and had it on repeat for years growing up. I’d like to blame Shania for my love of country and fire of independence from men.

-Jenna Singer

Death Cab for Cutie - PLANS

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PLANS hit me just when I got my driver’s license: my first legal stamp of autonomy. Driving – by myself – to these tracks gave me a hall pass to feelings I needed to feel, in my own space, in my own time.

-Alexa Schoenfeld

Kelela - Take Me Apart

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When it comes to methods of surviving the emotional (and financial) rollercoaster that is college, never would I have thought to even consider the act of being taken apart to be one of the most important mechanisms for endurance. From the austere yet liberating lyrics of “Frontline” to the end-of-the-war melodies in “Altadena,” Kelela sends listeners on an emotional, intergalactic journey through the stages of dealing with a loss in her 2017 release Take Me Apart. If I learned one thing about surviving college from this album, it's that it is okay for things to fall apart sometimes, because destruction is often a conduit for rebirth (if only that also held true for the financial loss, though).

-Bianca Brown

Arctic Monkeys - AM

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Nothing throws me back more than Arctic Monkey's album AM. From "Do I Wanna Know?" to "Snap Out of It," every song on that album makes me feel like an angsty tumblr teen again. Without that album, I doubt I would've been even half as edgy going through high school.

-Alison Wu

Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

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I didn't know indie-pop music until I heard this album. It was the first vinyl I bought, the first real band I was obsessed with. At the end of 8th grade, I found their project on Youtube and listened to it up and down in the era before ads. It ushered me into high school where I'm pretty sure I saw the world in exclusively pastel colors and thought I was enlightened because everyone else was still listening to The Black Eyed Peas. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix made me an indie kid -- I started snowboarding, wearing a lot of grey, and only listened to blog radio after this. Phoenix is still my everything.

-Precious Kato

A Day To Remember - Common Courtesy

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Ever since I first discovered A Day To Remember, they’ve remained one of my favorite bands and this record specifically got me through high school. Every track on this album has an important message and it’s definitely worth listening through in its entirety. Whether you’re going through a tough time or just needing some heavy-ish music in your life, ADTR gives it all to you.

-Alissa Arunarsirakul

#avril lavigne #neutral milk hotel #drake #kanye west #nine inch nails #Blink 182 #bring me the horizon #a day to remember #phoenix #arctic monkeys #shania twain #Death Cab For Cutie #kelea #soul #alternative #pop #folk

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gilbertandanne · 8 years

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Dancing On My Own

A/N: I’ve been wanting to do a one shot to this song for awhile, but the idea I initially had probably would have angered a decent portion of the Rucas fandom. Then Nat ( @reytonbleyer ) did a beautiful cover to this song, and another idea immediately hit me. So, this little one shot is dedicated to her and to my birthday girl Augustė ( @hopefulforus ).

The song is “Dancing On My Own” by Calum Scott (with a minor lyrical alteration that Nat also did in her cover).

Word Count: 5917

Rating: T

College AU: Farkle never figured out that Riley was stepping back for Maya; therefore, Farkle never stepped in and made the NYE announcement.

Angsty. (Are you surprised? haha)

Note: I turned this into a multi-chapter. This is chapter 1. The other chapters are below:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | J | Q | K | A | J |

Riley Matthews hissed as her fingers brushed against the hot curling iron. She quickly set the device down before she turned on her sink. As she ran her throbbing fingers through the cold water, she groaned in pain. “Good going, Riles,” she mumbled as she examined her tender fingers.

She looked up at the mirror as she examined her appearance. She had about half of her hair left to curl and then she would be done. She had spent the better part of her day picking out the perfect dress to wear that evening. Part of her, a bigger part than she would ever admit, didn’t want to go, but she knew that there would be no way out of it. Besides, it was one of her best friend’s birthdays. She wasn’t going to miss that for the world, even if it meant another backslide, another night spent staring at something she knew she could never have.

‘Because you lied in 8th grade, and never attempted to tell the truth.’

‘You’re my brother, Lucas,’ she once told him. Those four words had haunted the brunette for the last seven years—nearly a third of her life. She thought that she was doing what was best for everyone. She and Lucas had their chance at a relationship, and it resulted in them not even being able to communicate with one another. She didn’t want that. She never wanted that. He was one of her best friends, and she could never imagine her world without him in it.

At the same time, ever since that 8th grade proclamation, her world with him in it was slowly destroying her.

She was able to fool herself—for a while at least. She watched him spend New Year’s with someone else while she sat alone on the rooftop of her parents’ apartment building. She smiled as he and her best friend went on a handful of dates shortly thereafter. She had convinced herself that they were happy with one another, and that if they were happy, then she would somehow, someday, be able to move on from him.

In a flash, her best friend and her crush had parted ways—citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their breakup. Riley was never sure if they were ever officially boyfriend and girlfriend in the first place. It was a little strange between the two after that—awkward—as Riley assumed most breakups would be, but as her group of friends entered high school, Lucas and Maya found a way to move on from their three-month pseudo relationship.

She could have come clean with everyone then, admit that her feelings for the Texan were never platonic and had always been something more than friendship, but she didn’t. She never wanted to lose him. What she told him during their trip to Texas was true: she didn’t want to date for a while and then break up and never talk again. Plus, he never really challenged her on her declaration—at least not after he began to date her best friend. And what about the whole girl code thing she learned about her first week in high school? Maya already dated him. Riley wasn’t about to risk losing her best friend in order to admit her feelings for someone who might not feel the same way.

So, she kept up with the stupid charade. She treated him the same way she treated Farkle and Zay. The three of them became her older brothers, but instead of her romantic feelings for Lucas dwindling over time, they intensified. She thought that once they graduated high school that she could put some distance between them. She thought for sure that he would want to go to college back in Texas and that the distance would afford her the time to finally move on from him, but instead, he got accepted into Columbia while she and Maya decided to attend NYU.

Going to a different school did help the brunette. She was able to come up with excuses to explain away her absence whenever her friends all gathered together. Of course, she knew she couldn’t always duck out, so she attended enough events so no one would really take notice when she was absent. She loved her friends and wanted to be around them, but she also didn’t want anyone to know that she had been desperately in love with her good friend Lucas for over half a decade.

They both dated around. Riley was desperate to fill the void she had never quite gotten used to. She never found anyone she connected with. Most of her prospects only lasted a few dates. Lucas, on the other hand, seemed to bounce from relationship to relationship. Every time she saw him, he was dating some new girl. It got to the point where Riley and the rest of her friends couldn’t even keep track with their names.

She thought that after a while, she would be used to it—used to seeing him laugh and smile and whisper to someone who wasn’t her—but she wasn’t. She never was. In fact, her jealously grew exponentially over the years—it was another reason why she remained distant.

But not tonight.

No. Tonight was Zay’s 21st birthday, and they were all going out to celebrate.

//Somebody said you got a new friend Does she love you better than I can? There's a big black sky over my town I know where you're at, I bet she's around//

Seven years and no one knew how the brunette felt about him—not even her best friend. Riley had grown accustomed to plastering that nauseating fake smile whenever she was in his presence. She was so good at it that no one in her world, who should have known better, ever suspected a thing.

Her counterfeit smile was splashed perfectly across her face as she and Maya entered the dimly lit club. Riley was grateful for the space—at least then she could stick to the shadows and not expend all of her energy by acting like her heart wasn’t breaking all over again by the mere sight of him.

“I’m going to go ahead and get a round,” Maya announced to the small group. “In honor of the birthday boy…we all need to drink until we can’t remember our own names.”

Zay grinned. “I like the sound of that, but what about,” he gestured toward Riley.

“I’m covered,” she smiled as she pulled out her fake ID. “Only going to need this bad boy for two more months.” Her fake ID had served her well over the last three years. For the first two years, she only used them at clubs around the city, but over the last several months, she used it more at the grocery store when she would pick up her weekly wine stash. She never thought she would resort to alcohol to escape from reality, but it was the only thing that alleviated the pain in her chest at the sight—or quite often simply the thought—of him.

“That’s right,” Zay eagerly rubbed his hands together. “The Vegas trip is coming up. Are you excited?”

Riley watched as Maya and Farkle left to get a round of shots for the table. She slid into the vacant seat next to her friend. “Yeah. Of course. Aren’t you? It’s going to be amazing. Four days in Las Vegas and we’ll all finally be 21.”

“Baby Riley is finally growing up,” he teased.

“Hey,” she nudged playfully, “You only have two months on me.” She glanced around the congested space. “So…is Lucas coming tonight?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. He’s running a little late. Alicia had a wardrobe emergency or something.”

Riley’s face fell. Alicia. She hadn’t heard that name before. “Alicia?”

“Yeah. Yeah…the newest conquest, I guess.” He shrugged. “I don’t know why I even bother to learn their names. I don’t think he’s ever had a relationship that’s lasted more than two months.”

“Serial monogamist, that one is,” Riley sighed as she lightly drummed her fingers on the table. Another new conquest. While his relationships never lasted longer than a few months, Riley knew that one day, he’d find someone who would break that trend. As the years passed by, that fear only grew. She constantly thought about telling him how she felt, but what was the point? If he was ever interested in her, he never showed it. He could have asked her out during the last seven years, but he never did.

“Here we go,” Zay proclaimed as Maya and Farkle returned with a handful of shots.

“He’s still not here yet,” Maya asked as she set one of the glasses in front of her best friend.

Riley shook her head.

“He better not do this in Vegas,” Farkle told the group. “The plane isn’t going to wait for him.”

“Plane,” an all too familiar voice asked from behind Riley.

The hair on the back of her neck stood up as soon as she heard his voice. The voice that haunted her, the voice that tormented her with a future that she knew she could never have. She wanted to be drunk by the time she saw him. She wanted to be in that sweet spot where seeing him wouldn’t feel like a thousand knives stabbing her heart. She wanted to not care. She was tired of caring. She was tired of the fluttering feeling in her heart whenever she saw him. She was tired of the thud she felt whenever she saw the latest goddess on his arm.

She quickly decided that she couldn’t handle this sober. She reached for the shot glass and quickly downed the contents.

“Riley!” Zay frowned. “We were all supposed to do the first one together!”

“Sorry,” she apologized as she sat the shot glass down. “I thought you guys were taking it too,” she lied. It was scary how good she was getting at this whole lying thing. She hated it. She longed for the days where her best friend could easily detect the falsities in her tone.

“Damn Riley,” Maya’s eyes widened. “You ok?”

She nodded. “Yep. Thought we all came to celebrate with the birthday boy? Why am I the only one drinking?” Deflection. She had also become a professional when it came to distracting her group of friends.

“But you hate shots,” Maya tilted her head to the side as she examined the brunette. She seemed off—nervous perhaps? “I thought it would take a lot of convincing to get you to do this one.”

She shook her head. “Nope. In fact, I’ll get the next round.” She slid out of her chair. As she turned around, she immediately bumped into him. God. Why hadn’t he moved around to the other side of the table?

Lucas reached his arms out to steady the wobbly brunette. “You ok, Riles?”

She bit her bottom lip as she stared at the ground. Every time he touched her, no matter how innocent the gesture, a jolt of electricity shot through her. How was it possible that he didn’t feel it too? Why was she the only one forced to walk through life completely and utterly in love with one of her best friends?

She slowly lifted her head. Those green eyes immediately entrapped her. She felt helpless as she, once again, found herself under the hypnotizing spell of them. “Yeah,” she finally answered. “I’m ok.”

Lucas smiled at her as he admired her outfit. “You look amazing.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled. “Um…sit down. I’ll go get the next round.”

“I’ll come too,” Maya said from behind the pair as she gulped down her shot.

“Oh, wait—before you go,” he began as he turned to the brunette who stood next to him. “I want you to meet Alicia. Alicia, this is Riley and the blonde over there is Maya.”

The brunette smiled as she offered her hand to Riley. “Nice to meet you, Riley. Lucas talks about you all the time.”

‘He does?’ Riley tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before she shook the other girl’s hand. “Nice to meet you too, Alicia.”

“Hi, I’m Maya,” the blonde told the latest addition to Lucas’s long line of girlfriends.

Riley reached for her clutch before she spun around and walked toward the bar, her best friend right behind her.

“Have a seat,” Lucas told his girlfriend as he pulled out a stool for her. He looked at Farkle. “What plane were you talking about?”

//Yeah, I know it's stupid I just gotta see it for myself//

“You know, it’s crazy,” Maya began as the girls waited for their drink order.

“What is?”

Maya smirked. “You don’t see it?”

Riley frowned. “See what?”

The blonde gestured behind Riley to the table their friends were at. “Lucas…and his taste in women.”

Riley turned around as she looked at his girlfriend. Brunette. Olive skin. Killer legs. Complete and utter perfection. “What about it?”

“Besides yours truly here…every girl he’s ever brought around us…well,” she chuckled, “they all look like you.”

Riley raised an eyebrow as she slowly turned around to face Maya once more. “No, they don’t. Look at me…and then look at her. She’s like a supermodel, Maya. We look nothing alike.”

“She might be taller than you, but same color hair, same color eyes, same adorable little nose,” she practically cooed.

Riley rolled her eyes. “Just because one girl and I share a few attributes does not mean that she looks like me or even that he has a type.”

“Maybe I ruined him for blondes,” she smirked.

“Maybe that’s it.” She took a deep breath. “Maybe he’s secretly been pining over you for the last seven years?”

Maya chuckled. “Oh please. If he’s pining over anyone, it’s definitely not me.”

Riley sighed. “We’re just friends, Maya.”

“You know that I would be ok with it…more than ok actually…if you and he ever dated…right? I know girl code and all, but it was 8th grade and I’m pretty sure we were never boyfriend and girlfriend. God…we never even kissed. Not to mention the fact that you two technically dated first anyway, so if anyone broke girl code, it would’ve been me.”

Riley couldn’t hide the shock from her face. “You never kissed? I thought that…you must have…you were together for a few months.”

Maya shrugged. “We were also in 8th grade. We didn’t know what we were doing. I don’t even think we really liked each other like that. I think we just did it because…well…” she sighed.

She couldn’t stop there. Why did they date if they didn’t even like one another? “Because of what?”

“Because it was what you wanted.”

//I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, ohh I'm right over here, why can't you see me, ohh I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home, ooo I keep dancing on my own I keep dancing on my own//

Riley barely had time to sit the drinks down on the table before she felt his eyes on her. She slowly met his gaze. He seemed frustrated, mad, and maybe perhaps, a little sad?

“When were you going to tell me?”

She glanced around the table. What conversation did she miss? There were quite a few things she had kept from him over the years. She needed a little more information before she could come clean about anything. “Tell you what?”

He scoffed. “Tell me that you and everyone else was going to Vegas for your birthday in a few months.”

She swallowed. She had hoped the trip wouldn’t come up. She knew at some point he would find out, and that the guys would question her once they realized that Lucas wasn’t going. She wasn’t quite sure what she was thinking by leaving him out, but truthfully, she didn’t want him there. It was too much. It was getting to be too hard to be around him for a few hours, let alone see him for four days straight. She knew he didn’t deserve to be excluded like that, but what else was she supposed to do? “I-I was going to tell you,” she lied.

“I don’t believe you,” he answered. Why would she leave him out? She was probably his best friend. He felt closer to her than with either of the guys. They did go to different colleges, and they hadn’t seen one another a lot lately, but whenever he needed something or someone to turn to, she was always there.

“It’s the truth,” she lied again. “I haven’t seen you in awhile…and we all kind of planned this at Maya’s art show last month.”

“A month?” He quickly stood up. “Really Riley?” He looked around the table. “You know you could have messaged me about it or…I don’t know…call me? If you don’t want me to go, all you had to do was say so. You don’t have to play any kind of game with me.” He paused. “We don’t do that, remember? We’re always honest with each other.”

Riley looked away from him. She couldn’t do this here and now. “We’ll talk about it later. It’s Zay’s birthday now and we’re here to celebrate him.” She picked up one of the glasses. “Happy Birthday, Zay.”

The entire group followed Riley’s lead as they downed the shot. As soon as she set the glass down, she noticed that his mouth had opened to continue their conversation. She didn’t want to hear it. She just wanted to have fun. She just wanted to escape from her feelings for one stupid night. She turned to Maya. “Let’s go dance.” She didn’t wait for the blonde to respond before she grabbed her hand and led her to the dance floor.

Lucas watched the girls retreat to the middle of the dance floor before he turned to the guys. “What’s going on?”

Zay shrugged. “No idea, man. You know girls. Can never figure them out.”

He had a point. He had never been able to figure her out. From the moment they met, he thought there was something between them, but she made it clear a year later that they were friends—siblings to be more specific. She only saw him as an older brother type. Maybe that was the problem? Maybe she didn’t want him to go to Vegas and keep an eye on her?

He turned to his girlfriend. “Do you want to go dance?”

The brunette smiled. “Absolutely.”

//I'm just gonna dance all night I'm all messed up, I'm so out of line Stilettos and broken bottles I'm spinning around in circles//

“Why don’t you want Lucas to go to Vegas with us,” Maya called out to Riley as they danced. They were only a foot apart, but the pounding bass beat forced the blonde to yell at the brunette.

Riley didn’t answer as she bobbed her heat to the beat of the song. She had heard Maya clearly, but figured that if she pretended that she didn’t, she wouldn’t be forced to answer the question. She flipped her hair over her shoulder before she raised her arms over her head. She closed her eyes as she desperately tried to escape from the situation she found herself in. She needed to remind herself that she was there because she wanted to celebrate Zay’s birthday. She wasn’t there to drown in the quicksand of emotions she had kept to herself for this long. She could fall apart later.

Her eyes flew open when she felt Maya grab her hand and pull her close. Her brown eyes met crystal blue as the blonde glared at her. “What’s going on?”

Riley’s heart raced. She couldn’t give in now. She had kept it quiet for so long that it was second nature to keep up the ruse, no matter who tip toed along the edge of discovering her secret. No one could know. If they did, he would eventually find out and then, whatever friendship remained between them would be ruined. She thought she could handle this. She thought that after some time, her feelings for him would disappear, but they hadn’t. A few years ago, she began to suspect that maybe those feelings would never go away.

“Nothing,” the brunette finally said.

Maya stared at her for a long moment before she reached for Riley’s hand and guided her to the outside patio of the club so they could talk. Something wasn’t right. Something hadn’t been right for a long time. Riley had always waved it off as a result of whatever was currently going on in their lives—whether it was starting high school, going to college, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life—but Maya wasn’t buying it anymore. She hadn’t been herself in years, and while she had tried to justify it as a part of growing up, Maya wasn’t so sure that was the case anymore.

Why couldn’t Maya let this go? She didn’t seem to have a problem with the flimsy excuses Riley gave her in the past. Why was it different now? Riley finally broke eye contact with the blonde as her eyes moved to the window. It was dark and dim inside the bar, but it didn’t matter. She still saw them. She took an unsteady breath as she watched Lucas wrap his arms around his new girlfriend. She blinked several times as she fought against the wave of tears that threatened to betray the secret she had kept for so long. When he lowered his head to kiss the brunette, Riley clenched her jaw. She couldn’t do this. Not here. Not now.

Riley was so spellbound by the sight before her that she didn’t realize that Maya’s eyes had never left hers. She didn’t notice that Maya had slowly turned around to try to figure out what had captivated the brunette’s attention. She didn’t hear Maya comment about how disgusting public displays of affection were. She didn’t see Maya turn back to her and study her face for a solid minute.

Riley was so transfixed by the image in front of her that she failed to do the one thing she promised she wouldn’t: react.

As the first tear slid down the brunette’s cheek, Maya’s eyes widened. “Riles,” she cleared her throat. “How long?”

Riley blinked several times as she heard her name. She finally tore her eyes away from the couple as she slowly turned to her best friend. What were they talking about?

Maya waited a beat before she wiped away the solitary tear that had nestled against Riley’s cheek. “How long,” she repeated.

As Maya wiped away her tear, Riley realized that her body had finally betrayed her. She had to think of something, another lie, another way to remain lost in the shadows as she desperately tried to move on from a nearly decade long crush, but she didn’t know how to do that anymore. “How long what?” It was the best response she could think of. Maybe it could buy her another minute to come up with something.

“How long have you been in love with Lucas?” When Riley opened her mouth, Maya shook her head. “Don’t lie to me, Riles. I saw you. I see the way you look at him.” She looked at the ground. “I guess I became used to it because you always looked at him like that, but something clicked when I saw that tear.” She reached for Riley’s hand as she silently begged her best friend to talk to her. “Riley, how long?”

Riley stared at Maya for a long time. She had tried everything she could think of to stop caring about him—to stop loving him. Maybe it was time to tell someone? Maybe it was time to put it out there in the universe? Maybe that was the key to moving on? She trusted Maya more than anyone else in the world. If she was going to bare her soul to anyone about her unresolved feelings for the Texan, she would confess them to Maya.

Tears filled Riley’s eyes as she simply shrugged. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I don’t know when my infatuation turned into a crush turned into me liking him turned into me loving him.” She swallowed. “I…I love him, Maya.” As soon as the words left her mouth, seven years of denial quickly melted away. “I can’t make it stop. Tell me. How do I make it stop?”

As she watched desperation rapidly overwhelm the brunette, Maya felt her nose burn as tears filled her eyes. “You can’t,” she answered softly. “How long have you tried to fight it?”

Riley’s eyes fell to the ground.

Maya took a shaky breath. “Riles?”

“I saw you…a-and him. I saw that you liked him and that…that maybe he liked you too.”

The frown line between Maya’s eyebrows deepened as she listened to Riley’s confession. “All this time?” When Riley nodded helplessly, Maya’s heart shattered. “Riles.” The blonde pulled the quaking brunette into her arms. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me? We tell each other everything. We would have…we would have figured it out.”

“What’s the point,” she mumbled into the blonde’s hair. “It wouldn’t have worked out.” She slowly pulled back from her friend as she wiped her eyes.

“What do you mean it wouldn’t have worked out?”

Riley tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “I mean…you two barely dated.”

“Yeah…and we’re friends now. What’s your point?”

“Besides you, he’s my best friend. I can’t…if I told him…and he didn’t feel the same way…then it could ruin our friendship. A-And on the other hand, what if I told him…and for some strange reason he did feel the same way…what then?” She sniffed. “We were in 8th grade. It wouldn’t have worked out. That almost never happens,” she paused, “unless you’re Cory and Topanga.”

“What about now, Riley? We aren’t in middle school anymore. We’re in college. College relationships can—and do—work out sometimes.”

“Because…he seemed ok with it. He seemed fine with just being friends…and that’s what we’ve been for so long now. I’m…I’m firmly in the friend zone.” She looked inside once more. “Besides, have you seen the girls he’s dated? They’re all…stunning.”

“No,” Maya shook her head. “You’re stunning.”

“I’m a wreck.” She looked down. “If he was ever interested, don’t you think he would have asked me out?”

“Maybe he thinks you aren’t interested?”

Riley shook her head. “Doesn’t matter now, does it? He’s with Alicia…and he seems happy with her.”

“You need to tell him, Riley.” She paused. “We don’t lie to each other.”

Riley gave her a sad smile. “I can’t tell him. I might lose him, Maya…and I’d rather have him in my life as my friend than as nothing at all.”

“Riley, you’ve been pushing him for the last few years. What kind of friendship is that? He’s not even invited to your birthday.”

“Yes he is.”

Maya raised an eyebrow at her. “Didn’t seem like it to me.”

Riley frowned as she wiped her eyes one last time. “Fine. I’ll go invite him right now. And afterward, we are getting another round of drinks and we are never talking about this again. I mean it, Maya. I need to figure this out without getting anyone else involved.”

//So far away but still so near The lights go on, the music dies But you don't see me standing here I just came to say goodbye//

She stormed back into the club, as a renewed sense of determination overshadowed every other instinct she had to fall apart at the mere sight of him. They were all back at their table. As she approached them, she heard them all laugh as if they didn’t have a care in the world. She wanted that. She wanted to not care. “Lucas?”

He turned toward her. “Yeah?”

“Would you like to come to Vegas with us to celebrate my birthday in a few weeks?”

“Riley, I don’t want to go if you don’t want me—“

“I want you to,” she told him evenly. “Ok?”

The entire table turned to look at Lucas as they waited for his answer. “Ok.”

She released a breath she didn’t realize that she was holding. “Good.” She forced herself to smile—that same strained smile she had learned to master over the last seven years. The smile she loathed—the smile that made her stomach churn. “Now that that is all settled…does everyone want another round?”

She didn’t wait for the group to answer as she spun around and headed back toward the bar. Did she really just ask him to come to Vegas? Was she out of her mind?

As Lucas watched her walk away, his chest constricted. He glanced at his girlfriend. “I’ll be back, Alicia. She may need some help with carrying everything.” He didn’t wait for her to respond before he jogged after Riley.

//I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, ohh I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home, ooo I keep dancing on my own I keep dancing on my own//

She was already ordering the round by the time he reached her. He remained silent while she smiled at the bartender. He thought he was going to be sick at the sight of it. She didn’t have to flirt with anyone in order to get some drinks. Farkle did a bang up job on their fake IDs, and they never carded you once you were allowed into the club. He knew that he had no say in how she acted around people, but it always made his skin crawl to see her do it.

“Riley?”

She spun around at the sound of his voice. Her smile slowly fell as her eyes landed on his. He followed her? She thought that everything had gotten settled. Why did he follow her?

“I thought you might need some help…you know…with carrying everything.”

She slowly nodded. “Sure. Thanks.”

“So, how have you been? Haven’t seen much of you lately.”

“Oh. You know. Just busy with school and everything,” she casually responded as if she hadn’t practiced that exact answer in the mirror about a hundred times while she was getting ready. “This is my first time off campus on awhile.”

“I’ll come to you then,” he offered. “When’s the next film series? I remember we went to most of them freshman year.” He smiled. “Remember ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’?”

She slowly smiled as the memories of their first college film screening came back to her. “Yeah. We got all dressed up as Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard. We thought we were being so original.”

“Only 90% of the people there had the same idea.” He grinned. That was an incredible night, but truthfully, he had a lot of incredible nights with her.

Riley laughed. “I can’t believe you sat through the first half hour of it next to some other Holly Golightly.”

Lucas smiled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I had that plastic dog mask on. I couldn’t see anything.”

“Sure. Sure. At least I know how to dress whenever I need to hide from you.” It just slipped out. She didn’t mean anything by it, but as the thought sunk in, she suddenly longed for that black dress and sunglasses.

His smile slowly faded. “You never need to hide from me, Riles.”

She nearly buckled under the intensity of his stare. If he only knew how wrong he was. She had to hide from him. There was no option. It was called self-preservation. “I don’t?”

He frowned. “No. It’s me we’re talking about here. Me and you. There’s nothing you could ever do to not make me want to be around you.”

‘I love you,’ her mind screamed. ‘If I told you the truth, I bet you’d want me to hide from you then.’

When she didn’t answer him, his heart dropped. “Are you…hiding from me?”

Riley shook her head. The simply motion was a lot easier than opening her mouth and feeding him another lie. “What makes you say that?”

“Oh, I don’t know. The fact that I haven’t seen you in a few months, and I honestly can’t remember the last time we hung out alone.” He paused when the bartender brought a tray of shots to Riley.

“Thank you,” she smiled.

“Anytime, Rachel,” the bartender winked at her. “There’s an extra one there for you too.”

“Thanks Brian,” she practically purred.

Lucas turned his head away. He thought he was going to be sick. Once the Brian the bartender left, he continued. “Rachel?”

“That’s what it says on my ID,” she smiled forcefully as she looked down at the seven shots in front of her. “Are you going to help me with this or just watch?”

He sighed. “Promise me one thing.”

“What?”

He waited for her to look at him, to give him any indication that she knew that what he was about to say was important, but she didn’t. She simply stared at the glasses in front of her. “Promise me that no matter what happens…no matter where we go…who we meet…that we’re always going to be Riley and Lucas.”

She bit her bottom lip. At the end of the day, that was all she wanted. It was why she kept quiet for so long about how she felt about him. It was why she wasn’t about to take Maya’s advice and tell him. He wanted them to stay as they were. She did too. She needed to get him out of her heart. It was the only way to ensure his presence in her life for the long run. “Of course,” she answered as she turned to look at him. “We will always be Riley and Lucas.” She gave him a small smile before she picked up half of the shots and walked away from the bar.

Lucas took a deep breath as he watched her leave. Everyone always wondered why he wasn’t able to stay in a relationship for more than a few months. The answer was simple and obvious, at least to him. It was because his heart had always belonged to someone else. He was simply trying to survive—to find a way to move on from loving someone who only saw him as a brother.

Seven years since she first broke his heart and here he stood—more in love with her than ever.

//I keep dancing on my own//

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doriites-remade · 7 years

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The story of my past. My goal for the future.

I wanted to write a little something since its Trangender Day of Visibility Most my followers know, if you've been here for a while, I'm a trans guy. I'm currently 20 years old and I first came out when I was 15. I didn't struggle as much as many other trans people, but I did go through quite a bit. I didn't feel uncomfortable with my gender til I was almost 12 years old. That's when I hit puberty. I absolutely hated everything that came with it. The periods, the boobs, I hated it. But I dealt with it cuz I thought there was nothing to do about it but live with it for the rest of my life. At 13, I had my first crush on a girl. We started going out and I started to present myself more masculine. She called me her girl/boyfriend and I was cool with that. Even a few times I've had strangers mistake me as a boy and I was like "that's fucking awesome!" Also since someone else in my friend group shared the same name as me, everyone nicknamed me Jimmy (after St Jimmy cuz I was so obsessed with Green Day at the time) During 8th grade, I started to get into deviantart. I followed all kinds of cool artists and they inspired me more to get into art myself. The summer after, one specific artist (shark-bites) I followed came out as transgender. I looked up what that meant and found out that this was who I am, this was how I feel. I'm a boy, not a girl. Once I started high school, I tried as much as I possibly could at the time. I got my first binder in the middle of the first semester. I already came out to my friends from middle school and told them that I only wanted to be called Jimmy. ( @carneasahi was the fastest at adjusting. Took her maybe a month to stop making mistakes lol) I had the hardest time coming out to my mom cuz I was her only daughter. It was hard for her but she took it better than my brother. He refused to accept me and was pretty much the one that suggested that I go to therapy cuz he thought that I was fucked up and just going through a phase. (Welp therapy helped me get further ahead into my transition so I could thank him for that.) It took my mom and brother about 2 years to get used to calling me Jimmy so I'm thankful for that. Also Jimmy is only a nickname. I think by my sophomore year I chose the name Dorian. I first saw that name from a book series that I read in middle school (Vlad Tod cuz i was fucking emo) and thought "if I have a son, I'm gonna name him Dorian." Well that ended up being my name. I started taking HRT at 18. It was a huge milestone for me. My voice already started cracking by the next month, I had a slight mustache growing in 3 months. I was so happy, cuz now I'm starting to pass and I knew that strangers would no longer misgender me. The next year, my senior year, I kept on telling my mom that I wanted to legally change my name before graduating cuz I really wanted my diploma to not have my dead name. By May 2016, my name is legally Dorian and I'm finally legally male. I graduated high school as Dorian. I plan on getting top surgery hopefully sometime soon. Since college classes take up my whole year, I'll probably have to wait til I'm done with community college. One thing I really wanna do in the future is become famous. Not for myself, but for trans boys to have someone to look up to. I want to be the role model that I didn't have while transitioning. We know of lots of trans women in media, but how many trans men can you name? This is what I want to do. I hope to be in movies and TV shows just so I could be someone that trans boys could look up to and be like "that's who I want to be like in the future"

#wow this is long sorry about that #transgender day of visibility #tdov #tdov 2017

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revel80r · 8 years

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On the turning of Scyther88

I met my best friend when I was five years old. at the Akron Chinese Christian Church. On this blog, I call him Scyther88. Scyther, myself, and another guy, let’s call him ‘Mango’, have been the three musketeers for most of my childhood. We’d only see each other on sundays, and sometimes a friday, or saturday here or there, because our families all lived in different areas of Akron and we went to different schools during the week. But oh, the bliss of those sundays together with those two idiots. At church on sundays, we hung out together, we got in trouble together, bullied and picked on other smaller kids together, and all the joys of 90′s boyhood ...together. We definitely had our different personalities too. Mango was the oldest (by 8 days). He was always domineering, manipulative, and was kind of our de-facto “leader” of the little gang. Scyther was always the lancer to Mango’s alpha. He always challenged him, had more of a streak of irony and sarcasm than Mango. He was cool. And then there’s me. I was younger than both of them by about a year. I was the little 3rd fiddle. I just played loyal and loved being with these two guys... complicit in all our stupid sins as a bunch of kids.

We got really, crazy into Pokemon, and bonded over it. To this day, Scyther’s email, gamername, username on most platforms has always been “Scyther88″ or some form of it. Mango’s moved on from his “Jolteon88″ or whatever it was. I was an ‘89 baby so I’m not even cool. Now I’m just reVelstΛr. I remember I was the first to get pokemon cards. Mango and I were at some Chinese church camp, and we both got one card each, he got a machop and I got a charmander. Later, a couple weeks later, I got the old blue Pokemon card starter deck. And I became the cool boy. Mango and Scyther both got rival (and better) decks pretty soon afterwards and the 90′s head fever of pokemon collecting materialism had bitten us, and our parent’s wallets hard. We fought, we argued over rules and technicalities, (the best that 4th graders could anyway), etc. But we were buddies and knew that. Even though we didn’t go to the same schools in Akron, we’d go to each other’s birthday parties, play N64 together, etc. It was the good ol’ days. The best and worst part of it was, the Chinese church met in this very large mega-church building in Akron. Very extensive facilities. And us boys had the inside of the church fully explored and mapped out. We knew the place very well. So on sunday we knew there would be the inevitable time our parents had finished socializing and decided it was time to go home, and do other things. And so, purposefully, to milk every sweet moment of pokemon-card battling that we possibly could, we would hide in nooks, crannies, upper rooms, balconies, anywhere we could find and hide in, to hide away from our parents so we could spend more precious moments pokemon-carding away. Our parents had to send out search parties and scour the buildings for us little brats. hahaa. We’re guilty of many white hairs on one of the assistant pastors.

Reality hits hard. Mango’s family moved away to Asia at the end of 5th grade, and we would not see each other for a very long time. Scyther’s life hit a very rough patch when his dad’s brother passed away. Scyther’s father got angry and blamed Jesus for the passing of his brother. He full turned away from the faith, and forbid Scyther’s mother and Scyther from going to church anymore. I was young and not aware of such heavy things. but I did remember my two best friends no longer being at church, and I was suddenly a lone little guppy in the church youth group. The youngest, least mature, and most annoying, by many grade levels, to the rest of the church youth group.

I saw Mango once, in 8th or 9th grade when his family stopped by Akron for a visit, and the next time I saw him was in college.

Scyther and his mother would occasionally come to church over the years. Scyther’s father was vehemently against God, but Scyther’s mother was all the stronger in the faith in Jesus. And so they’d sneak to church whenever she can over the years to come. And blessings for me, my friendship with Scyther was intact and I got to have a middle school and high school life with my best friend from time to time, talking to him about video games, stupid jokes, girls, and all other kinds of bad things.

Scyther and I even went on a mission trip together in 2006 to Beijing, China.

In the fall of 2007, all three of us idiot musketeers went to the Ohio $tate University as freshman, Mango, Scyther, and my darned self.

I got in contact with Mango the weeks before commencement, and hung out with him the first day on campus. We both got involved with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and that ended up being our primary community on campus for the next 4-5 years (or on my case, [one of my] primary communities). Scyther and Mango were no longer buddies, no longer close. Mango’s become a popular, social kid. Scyther and I are outcast, and fringe people. I was not aware of this at the time, but Scyther had a very rough middle school and high school life, being rejected and picked on by his white peers, because he is one of only two or three Asians in his entire schools. White people. Y’all messed up. Need to get help. I was not aware, that this messed up my best friend on the inside, as he has a cynical, vengeful, vindictive streak hidden that I either missed or chose to ignore. He became ambitious and focused. So that, one day he will be at the top of the heap, looking down on everyone else who was cruel and had mistreated him in the past. And Scyther will know who had one in the end. That was his plan anyway.

Scyther was driven, ambitious, and disliked people. Mango was popular, responsible, and worked around people. I was a desperate loser junkie who would give up anything to be with people or video-games.

Guess which one of us dropped out of Ohio State, heheh.

And so Scyther did not like InterVarsity after attending one time, and picked up on the community’s unfortunate clique-y tendencies. decided he was not going to put up with that bovine stool, and chose to attend a Korean church instead. Meanwhile Mango and I became career InterVarsity attenders, becoming leaders in different chapters of IV. Mango got a lot farther along than I did, in leadership and socially, and so it went on.

I am kind of sad to admit that I picked up on signs that Scyther had given up on Jesus very late. He had stopped attending his Korean church, and I simply assumed it was because of the busyness of his schedule, as I had missed many church sessions, although that may have more to do with irresponsibility, though like many college students, I liked to chalk that up to “busyness”. And being roommates with Scyther, we would have bitter arguments from time to time. One time I got so angry, I threatened to murder him, and the dorm manager had to have me stay at a friend’s place overnight that time because of the difficulties in our dorm room. After a year of college I began to realize that Scyther no longer believed or followed Jesus. I was not even aware of my own shallowness and the brokenness in my own pursuit of Jesus, but all I knew was I felt InterVarsity was doing the right thing to me, and I seemingly couldn’t do anything to convince stubborn old Scyther to come back to either InterVarsity or church.

In Scyther’s mind, he realized that being in college, he could do whatever he wanted and was no longer forced to go to church by his mother. He could make his own choices now. And so he decided to not go. And his pains from his past, cynicism and disdain for people, including Christians, took over, and he lost faith in people, community, and Christ. He admitted to himself in not believing or seeing proof of God’s existence. and became atheist.

During all of this, Scyther’s mother remained the strong, strong prayer warrior Christian she has always been. Praying every day for the salvation of her family, urgently imploring God to bring Scyther back to faith. She prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

For many years after that, we had an understanding that InterVarsity and Jesus were just me and my ‘God thing’. but Scyther saw no evidenc, proof, or need for him. There was no way to work around his buttheadedness. Plus, Scyther’s got lots of crap on me, my deepest darkest secret, etc. So it’s not like I’ve been a particularly good, effective, or pure example of a Christian to him. And that was that. There was not much of a productive conversation beyond that.

Scyther graduated from Ohio $tate, and got into grad school in a virology PhD program at Cornell University, while I got academically dismissed, and dropped into crippling depression... Mango graduated and went on to teaching or something like that. There was a drop of contact for awhile.

Over the years from 2011-2016 Scyther and I would skype and hangout online from time to time. sometimes more frequently, chatting and playing vieogames together online every night. Other times we’d go through months of hiatuses from online contact. I visited him at Cornell University in Ithaca. That was a special night as by the grace of the Lord, I got a chance to talk with Scyther about why I believed in God, why I believed in Jesus, and how experienced him. A deeper conversation than the typical StarCraft and World of WarCraft talk we had. In the end, Scyther still saw no evidence, proof, or need for God and I had to just agree to disagree... It’s good. I love him. I love this guy. He is my best friend. He was there with me through much of my shit and depression. Especially that worst period in 2013.

This year in 2016, I took a very, very long hiatus from video games and much social media. Worked through some of the toughest semesters I had at Capital University, which God has provided for me after scraping and mopping up my mistakes through sweat, blood, and tears at Columbus State Community College... And so 2016 was a banner year for me. Most excellent. I got to go on not one, but two missions trips, one to Mozambique, and one to Taiwan. and after all that crazy goodness, I was brought into church staffship, and finished college in december, finally earning that accursed, elusive piece of paper...

Meanwhile, Scyther was told to wrap up his research, do a dissertation and defense, and finish his graduate school studies. And he did so. And now we all tease him and call him Dr. Scyther. What should have been a joyful, celebratory time, became a disappointment for Scyther, as life after attaining doctorhood was no different from life before. He did not feel any redemption, release, or beams of purpose. Only the emptiness. And so, with his emotions crashing. Scyther realized the truth of life is meaningless. There is no rhyme, or reason. Why spend so much effort building, only for someone else to enjoy the fruits of his labor? What was worth it? We all die and go to the same place, and life is meaningless. He spiraled into depression and decided to kill himself. and with the many years of laboratory experience, he knew exactly what he needed to do to kill himself. He planned it out, wrote apology letters to his mother, wrote one for me, and only found that..... he could not do it. The fear is too much. He is afraid of pain, and confronted with the fact that he did not know what happens to him after he does it. And so, THANK GOD, my best friend Scyther did not kill himself. During this time I was completely unaware that my Scyther was going through so much... Lesson and word of advice... check on your friends, keep in contact with them, ever after you sign off or swear off from social media.. check on your friends. Because honestly, depression and suicidal resolve can come quite swiftly....

Scyther did not kill himself. Thank God he chickened out. One thought reached out to him, The Timothy Keller book he bought out of curiosity on a whim a while ago: “The Reason for God” It is an apologetics book laying out philosophical, experiential, theological arguments fro the experience of God. Very good. Scyther read through it.

One day, in November of 2016, after a conversation with his mother, Scyther felt truth in his mind, that maybe, just maaaybe, God really is real. And that very night he had a terrifying demonic nightmare, as if he was being dragged down to hell itself. Sleep paralysis, the sciences call it. A couple nights later he had another sleep paralysis attack, this time seeing an angry face. He looked it up online and discovered sleep paralysis. And happening so suddenly and coincidally with his openness to the existence of God, a higher being..... He called me and asked about it. Being intrigued, I opened up a little about my own demonic experiences, and assured him that the name of Jesus has power. Jesus has power. Pray, invoke the name of Jesus, and the enemy will flee in every direction from you... We talked for a little while, I mentioned being at the church I was at, and how I was going to a big conference called One Thing in Kansas City that december.

A couple days later, my cell phone broke and I had to switch phones, missing a couple texts and calls in the process; several of these texts were from Scyther, inquiring about this conference, One Thing, and whether IHOP-KC was a cult.

By the time I got in contact with him a couple days after that, Scyther had already figured out the answers to his questions himself. And he was thinking about going. When I talked to him again, Scyther simply told me, unflinchingly, that “God is real. God is totally real. Acts chapter 9. That is all I can say, man.” I really was on the verge of tears, hearing my childhood and best friend, of 22+ years say to me over the phone that God is real, after he had abandoned the Lord and lived as an atheist for about a decade.

And just last month, in December, Scyther joined me and my church going to IHOP’s One Thing conference. It was a beautiful thing to see. His heart was being opened and his character was already different. He had a passion and a zeal for the Lord that I have not seen before. It was amazing. His heart was being opened, and he was being softened to people. My best friend, who in the past hated pretty much every single human being except for his 5-6 friends and family... is now an open, sociable, empathetic heart. I cannot make this up. Jesus is sooooo good and I am so thankful. God’s even opened up Scyther’s mind to the possibilities of prophecy, healing, and miraculous prayer. Things that were strongholds to Scyther’s mind and heart were being unlocked and opened and it is a beautiful, beautiful, redemptive thing to see.

Nowadays, Scyther comes to my church in Columbus, and we are growing, Scyther is growing so, so fast, we are all growing towards the Lord, we are growing together.

I cannot be happier with life.

#Scyther88

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ravennotthebird-blog · 8 years

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Hopefully last emotional/IWantYouBack Post

Hopefully this provides me some closure. Basically my freshman year I moved to this shitty ass town (the high desert) away from all my friends. I was "talking" to a girl who was in the 8th grade(she was an acquaintances ex gf who lived in Long Beach I lived about an hour and a half away). Basically that girl wouldn't post about me in social media, didn't text me when she was around her friends, talked about guys to me and even though we called each other babe and said I love you and would talk on the phone and meet at Knotts Berry Farm to hang out (shout out to my mom for driving me there just to see a girl) it didn't feel too real. My freshman year there was this girl in my 4th period french class who sat across the room from me. She wore brown checkered vans with no laces, faded blue jeans, and a zip up hoodie with light-Ish brown hair in a pony tail and she had bangs and headphones in( i assumed she was a shuffler). Little did I know that would Be the love of my life (I think.. I'm only 19 but I like to think I know what love is). We didn't really talk till she got moved into my English class second semester. She even sat by me ! We were in a group for "To Kill a Mockingbird" and she was in charge of drawing and color and I went over one day to help her color and dude.. this girl was so cool ! She liked DBZ &Pokemon & is by far the best drawer I've ever seen & liked skyrim & had the coolest little brother ever ! We got like a B+ on that assignment OH she had a boyfriend who she was dating for almost a year but lived across the city and went to another school .. fast forward to sophomore year i had a crush on this girl ! We talked so much and she was just so interesting. She was skinny and only 5ft tall and people would tell me she was cute but not "sexy" or "beautiful" or "hot" but fuck that she was so attractive to me in all sorts of way ! Essentially she dumped her boyfriend and I dropped that girl I was talked to and we kissed lol. She was sick when we kissed so i tasted Ricola but I didn't care I was hyped ! People kept telling me ask her out but I wanted to take my time and chill cause growing up I was chubby and angry and didn't really get much attention from any girls. February 13th I asked her out silly me though February 11th I had asked her to be my valentine with a flower. February 14th was valentines day and I got her a card I felt so lame but yeah February 13th after 1st period I asked her out. Throughout this relationship she got me a tortuous cake for my birthday, was there for me when I was cutting weight (went from 186-170 and senior year 190-170) bought me a Supermán onsie, would draw for me, wrote about me in a notebook(she let me read one but not the other..wonder if she still writes about me). I guess I did little things for her like emotional support and what not. Now the shitty part: when we first started dating I wasn't so sure she liked me so I would talk to other girls "they would compliment me and I'd take it, they'd say they like me and I'd ask why" that's basically all it was.. girls would call me cute or handsome and send me hearts and I'd tell them goodnight and send hearts back. I never told my girlfriend because idk.. for a while she was as lovey dovey as I had liked. When she was I stopped. It wasn't consistently either. I'd was be like one girl for a few days then I'd stop and yeah.. I think that's cheating.. people say it's cheating. Then at a party a girl sucked my pipi while I was drunk and that was a complete accident and yes that was cheating and no I didn't tell my girlfriend. I never liked or had feelings for any girl the way I did for my girlfriend. My girlfriend met my family, knew practically all my secrets, she even witnessed me and my mom argue. Then senior year.. my mom was acting weird, her boyfriend was acting weirder, I was cutting tons of weight, she was busy with a drama production(she likes drama haha nerd). And while away at a tournament I hit up a girl who had a boyfriend just to talk to and pass time.. eventually she dumped her boyfriend and we exchanged nudes and one day at school she gave me a hand job. One day while asleep I get a call in the middle of the night from my girlfriend crying cussing me out going off on me.. she saw the pictures(we exchanged them on Facebook and she had my password) .. she dumped me.. the next day I had a wrestling tournament ( I won it). The following months were weird. One day she hates me the next she wants to be with me. One day I'm fingering her in my room the next she's telling me she doesn't care do what I want.. my team won league, CIF Duals, and Individuals! Masters(the tournament before state) she didn't really text me and all I could think about was her.. I didn't go to state. I went 2-2 and that's it. EVENTUALLY me and her got together. She had all my passwords(even my social) deleted whoever she wanted and was free to go on my social media accounts but it's okay. We went to prom and graduation together and after high school I moved to Redlands for college. Over the summer I worked 2 jobs and she worked and went to school (she went to community college). August 29th 2016 she dumped me cause I liked some girls tweet that she claims she blocked. The 2nd week of September we got back together. I'd drive 42-ish miles to go see her and bring her down to my house and drop her back off. We'd occasionally argue cause her family wouldn't really take her to see me or wouldn't pick her up. I'd go to school 5days a work and work anywhere from 2-5 days a week so I'd be stressed. November 27th 2016 I get a call at 4in the morning about how she had a nightmare so I talked to her till she k.o'd. I wake up around 8 and see a text from her saying "you're cheating on me. If you haven't then you're gonna or thought about it" Assholes in high school would randomly message her saying "Ravens cheating on you" so I log into her IG and she messaged one of my female coworkers saying "I heard you're a hoe did you fuck my boyfriend..." I was shocked so I called her saying wtf ! Like that's my coworker ! She apologizes and we are all good and I'm in my Tia's room(I moved outta my moms house) talking to her about my girlfriend. I get one text "I love you so much baby" then a minute later "you sicken me" BAM dude I get a call getting cussed out ! " you're manipulative" "you're not a man" "how could you" "you liar" and I'm just like wow.. she dumps me and I'm crying freaking out and my Tia told me to chill so I take a nap and wake up and see all of our pictures deleted, my name out of her bio. I'm crushed like dude wtf ! My coworker told her I was trying to fuck her.. when me and my girlfriend broke up I got a job at a restaurant I would tell my friend S dude that girl is cute. That girl just so happened to be his friend. One day S tell me that she wants me to talk to her . I say no cause that's weird and I'm not looking to date. He said who cares she just wants to Fuck but since I was knew to that job I thought it was a prank so I didn't go through with anything. One day after work she asks me to go to her car to grab a jacket. She asked me to smoke and I said no so we hung out in her car. She showed me Travis Scotts album because I hadn't heard it all(this time me and my Girlfriend were back together". She told me she wanted me to dump my girlfriend so could hook up cause she just got out of a relationship and wanted to have fun. I said no I'm not prepared to dump my girlfriend. She said even for a day as long as we weren't dating she would be down. I told her that I don't wanna dump my girlfriend. I tell her if it's just something physical I could maybe consider it but I don't think I'd dump her. After a few more mins of talked I go to my car and while driving home I get a sick feeling to my stomach.. I almost cheated on my girlfriend.. shit... so I blocked that girl and deleted her from social media and kept it as that. That was back in September while me and my girlfriend were broken up. Here I am now.. January 29th 2017.. single.. sprung... in Iowa.. I miss this girl. A week before I came we were hanging out. It was emotional.. she doesn't wanna talk to me, she blocked me on twitter, snapchat. She said I could talk to her as long as It was an emergency so I would send her random cute posts and she got mad one day I called her perfect.. telling me to forget about her that I ruin her mood when I pour my feelings out to her... that hurt dude.. a lot... so now here I am. Sad.. heartbroken.. and I'm puzzled. I know i hurt her.. but she was the one saying she'd be mine forever and loved me and only me and only wants to be with me and that in 5 (4 now) years we'd get married.. are we done forever? Is she just hurt? Does she not care anymore ? Little does she know I message 3-4 girls and feel nothing. I stop replying.. I feel lonely. I only wanna talk to her. I see on her Instagram guys comment and her comment back.. is she talking to them? I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.. I feel I got cheated out of this.. I love this girl dude. December 19th we were gonna go to Monterey and I was gonna talk to her about moving into my Tia's house with me over the summer. I was gonna get something to remember her tattooed on my back or side.. it's just not fair dude. I made my mistakes and I own up to them but why is she so mean.. how can she act like she doesn't care? She only brings up my mistakes but not our good times. She doesn't talk about the times after sex we'd lay and listened to music, the time we went to the farmers market, the time she would quote the Great Gatsby, the times I would ask her to draw for me, the times we'd talk while I'd drive her home, the times we'd wrestle, the times I'd pick her up in my room so she would touch the ceiling with both hands cause she has a weird tick like that. She doesn't know.. she doesn't know how heavy my heart is thinking of her with someone else. How I think about her as I warm up for my wrestling match, how when I'd cut weight I'd visualize laying with her.. and the thought that she might be sharing the secrets and doing things with others she did with me. Not just the sexual stuff but like introducing then to her cool family or the smothering of vegan/vegetarian facts.. ahh okay.. I blocked you on Instagram.. hopefully I can get over this.. hopefully you come back to me.. I'm in Iowa.. I'd be in California if you'd of asked me to stay.. but it's okay.. I love you Ms Lechuga and I always will. Even if you find someone else I will always care.. my friends call me a bitch for crying and sobbing over you but.. imagine having the most precious special thing in the world. No one else could see it but you.. then you lose it.. you mis place it and pick it up and it somehow falls out again.. and as you try to pick it up it stings you.. and the more you try to pick it up the harder it stings you .. and as you try to leave it and let it be you are haunted of the thought of someone else finding it.. that's me.. it sucks.. but I know I can get through this. I have good friends, family that loves me, I'm doing my passion and wrestling In college.. I'll be okay.. it's just a matter of when.. puzzle pieces.. 2 odd shapes that look out of place to others but fit perfectly together.. can't wait till we fit again.. I love you -Raven A Rodriguez

#sos #heartbreak #breakup #single #getoverthehump

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v3rb4tim · 7 years

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It's nearly 4 a.m., and I don't know what I'm doing

So I guess this is going to be a more serious post than what I usually put out there, and I’m not at all sure how many of you will see it, but my mother says I should talk about this stuff, so I guess I will here.

Ok, let’s begin:

March 20th, 1997 is the day I was born. At some point before I really start developing memories my parents get divorced.

Age 5 I start kindergarten at a Spanish immersion school.

First grade is when they start to ask if I’ve got issues. Mother takes me in for ADHD and IQ tests. I’m declared “normal”, though I continue to be a problem child for most of my schooling.

Third grade I don’t remember much, but according to my mother I came home in tears most days.

5th grade a boy wants my help to get a girl to play with him. I refuse and the situation escalates to him choking me at recess to the point where people had to pull him off of me.

6th grade I changed schools.

I move to a partially online charter school where I probably spent my happiest years. 8th grade I got my first girlfriend, but I try not to think about that. It wasn’t healthy for either of us.

Freshman and sophomore years of highschool pass fairly uneventful, except I’m at a performing arts school studying musical theater.

Here’s where it starts to get heavy.

The summer after sophomore year my father had a stroke. My brother came home one morning and found him on the floor in a pool of vomit. I had plans to go to an anime convention with a plan that day. Instead my aunt wakes me with a phone call asking where my mother is. I say she’s in the shower. She says my dad’s in the hospital. A blood vessel in my father’s brain had popped and they drained a lot of blood from his head. That was four years ago now. To this day he is paralyzed on his right side and unable to speak. I haven’t heard him say my name since that time.

After I graduate from highschool I decided I needed a break. I packed a suitcase and got on a plane to Spain. I spent 4 months traveling through Europe and got back just in time for Christmas. I spent the holiday with my family, celebrating all life had given us. It wasn’t perfect, but at least we were alive and together.

That fall I enrolled for classes at the local community college. I met some greasy people and had a great time, and I hope I can hang on to these friends for a while.

May 4th, 2017. I’m sitting at home. Mom’s at the gym. I’m naked, because why wouldn’t I be? Earlier in the day my brother posted pics on Snapchat of him drinking with his friends.

I hear a knock on the door.

I see flashlights poking in through the window.

I go to the door to see who it is.

Two police officers are standing on the porch.

“Is this the home of Christopher?”

“That’s my brother.”

“When was the last time you saw him?”

“Why, what’s this about?”

“We think he fell into the river.”

“Oh.”

“Is there anyone here that we can talk to?”

“My… Um… My mom’s at the gym…”

“Can we have her number?”

“Yeah…”

“Does your brother live here?”

“No, he lives at [address]”

The cops leave.

I sit there, alone, I tell my friends, “I think my brother fell in the river.”

My mother arrives home.

The cops didn’t call her.

I have to tell her that my brother is missing.

That night was the first night I cried in probably 8 years.

A day or two later we hold a prayer vigil for my brother’s safe return. I’d never seen my father cry before. That night he wailed.

Have you ever heard your parents sob? Have you heard a person’s heart ripped from their chest? Have you ever heard your parents be broken?

In total it took 10 days to find my brother’s body.

The day after they found his body I got my first tattoo. Ever since my father had his stroke my brother had wanted thus specific tattoo referencing a story from the bible where Jesus calms a storm and asks his disciples “why be afraid when I am with you?” Now me and a good dozen of his friends have a boat carved into our bodies in remembrance of him.

At 20 years old I attended my brother’s funeral. My mother, one of my aunts, one of my cousins, and my brother’s best friend all spoke. They gave beautiful speeches about his life and our remembrances. I still have not said my peace. Who would I say it to? He isn’t here anymore. I could speak to the river that took him, but I don’t know her like he did.

I never came out to my brother about my bisexuality. I always figured there’d be time for that. I’d tell him when I had a boyfriend to bring home. I never imagined that I’d never see him again. I think about him every day.

Now we’re getting to the present.

This one is only tangentially related to me, but I still feel I should bring it up.

Last weekend a woman called the police in my home city and they shot her. This woman was my one of my brother’s best friend’s step mother. I am in a unique position to say that, after losing a brother and in my case nearly losing a parent, I probably know exactly what he’s going through right now.

I’m not writing this to get pity points from anyone, hell, I’m barely writing this for anyone to read. Mostly I’m just writing this because maybe my mother is right. Maybe I don’t talk about this shit enough. And yeah, I suppose now it’d be pretty easy for all of you to find out my real name if you don’t already know me, but whatever.

Al I can say is that I haven’t learned a lot in my 20 years of life, but I guess I’ve learned this: say what you feel to the people you love and care about. Do the things you wanna do, because no matter what happens, if you don’t you’ll always wonder what might be different. Life isn’t like a story. Not everything happens for a reason and sometimes people just die. No foreshadowing, no plot significance, just death. It’s not beautiful, it doesn’t feel good, it just happens. Also, your family isn’t who you share genes with. You get to choose your family, and whether that includes your relatives or not is up to you. Finally, don’t let people go if you can help it. If they want to go, or you want to go then you can’t do anything about it, and yeah, some relationships are abusive, but for the most part if it’s worth having it’s worth trying to fix. I’ve let go of people in my life, or people have left me without telling me why, and even though I can’t change it I can’t help but wonder if it was something I could have prevented. Idk, at this point I’m just rambling, and now it’s 4:30, so here we go.

#random story time #death mention

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tournesls · 7 years

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u probably don't want to read this is just me incoherently rambling on about how I hate school and complaining that life (specifically mine) sucks so maybe don't read

i honestly don’t know how I’m gonna make it through this second trimester. we don’t have semesters in my school or quarters bc we’re k-8 and I’m in 8th and fuck. these are gonna be the worst few months ever. after summer it just gets So Bad. summer is my favorite season GOD I miss her. my skin was clear, I was out doing shit, I was hanging out with my friends, I was pretty healthy and now fucking fall/winter comes and SCHOOL and BASKETBALL and everything goes to shit. I’ve played basketball since 4th grade and this is the first year I’ve been so unmotivated to do it. I love the sport, its the people on my team and the people that aren’t on my team that I hate! the only things Im looking forward to in winter are, my bday which the week after next (yay!), winter break LIKE DEADASS I’m on break rn and I’m anticipating my next one lol, and seeing brockhampton in February, and my best friend’s birthday because we’re gonna do something fun. but my grades are kinda slipping and shit’s becoming harder and I’m going to high school next year, and all my teachers are trying to prepare us and its too fast. my school is oh so special and we get to choose from 5 different high schools, AND MY TOWN IS SO SMALL IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ONE. the closest one is about a half hour away and it’s like the second to shittiest one (which would’ve been our default school) and the other closest IS the shittiest one and then all the good schools (that I’m going to have to go to thanks mum) are at least 40 mins away AND THATS EVERY MORNING AND AFTERNOON FOR FOUR FUCKING YEARS. and its just so scary. like we’re not even 3 whole months into the school year and next week people are visiting the shitty high schools (not me) to see what a day’s like there and if they want to go there and we have to choose a high school by the end of January and none of them feel right for me and I hate my teachers and I hate this program because its hard for a 14 year old to choose things and I wish we could all just go to this shitty school like every one else has FOREVER this just happened to start a few years before now and UGONGLKSNFKLAHNL. like my best friend who’s visiting the shittiest school next week (bc her brother goes there and her mom is practically making her go) got this question list and it said shit like “what do you want to do in your life/future” ass shit like WHAT? WE ARE 13 AND 14 YEAR OLDS WE DON’T FUCKING KNOW. MY MOTHER DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO SHES 34 WHAT THE FUCK. I hate this, I hate adults, I hate that they had the decision to let us make our own decision. I hate that I’m so stupid and this is literally nothing IM SO LUCKY. I HATE NOVEMBER AND DECEMBER AND JANUARY AND FEBRUARY and I don’t really like march or April BUT I LOVE MAY AND JUNE AND JULY AND AUGUST and September and October are ok. I’m gonna post this under a read more because I’m so annoying and this is pointless and I deadass want to kill myself because I wouldn’t have to go through all this shit and my sister got taken away from my dad and the last time I saw her was a moth ago and I miss her so much and her moms a driggie my dads a SHITHEAD and I love my mom and i wish my dad loved me and fuck I’m so annoying like tonight? I WAS SO ANNOYING I was hanging out with my best friend and we just went to Walmart and tj maxx with her mum and I was just annoying and I love them so much they’re like my second family. and theres this kid in my class who has the stupidest name but he’s really nice and nerdy and called me LITTLE BEAR which is an inside joke but everyone thought he as creepy up until 7th grade when my friend got a crush on him. everyone called her weird and he said no to her when my friends asked him out for her and it was sad. now I think he’s kinda cute, my best friend thinks he’s cute and we talk about him a lot and he GOT SO TALL over summer vacation and he’s so weird but I got to know him over last weekend because me him and these 3 girls from my class are in this adventuring group thing with kids from another school and he never talks to us in class but me and two of the girls talked to him a lot and we went bowling and he was so nice and funny and I talk to him in school and I told him to watch stranger things. my best friend read our texts WHICH WAS JUST US TALKING ABOUT TV out loud to her mum and they said he liked me and that was weird because no one likes me and he likes this other girl I know and I’m literally so ugly and fat and gross but I’m trying to learn to love myself more and its been working out quite well. social media has actually been helping a bit (weird right?) but idk how I’m gonna get through school. if I cant get through fucking 8th grade then how am I gonna get through high school? life in general? idk what I want to do? I honestly can’t imagine myself outside of the school ive been going to for the past 7 years. I can’t imagine myself getting past the age of 14. I’m 13. I can’t imagine myself in college and I just recently went on a college campus for the first time and I loved it! but it was so weird, so scary. this 8th grade year is so different because there are so many traditions that get thrown at you because this is the last year you’ll be going to this school in this incredibly small town. theres going to spend a whole week in the woods with your class with no phones, theres fundraising for the class trip WHICH IS GONNA BE IN A FRENCH SPEAKING COUNTRY AND IVE BEEN TAKING FRENCH FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS AND I DONT KNOW SHIT (its in Canada) and theres so much community service and traveling and in band we have to perform for older people and I wish I could write this much for the essay I have due last week. the essay is about something I like and something that motivates me (lgbtq rights in schools and how to stop people bullying lgbtq students) I still can’t write it I just hate school and everything about it. I don’t want to go to basketball practice tomorrow but I have to and if it was just a practice id be fine but we’re scrimmaging and ugh I fucking hate my school SO MUCH and have I said how much I hate myself? because its a fucking lot. time goes by so quick and I just want to go to sleep but then everything will be wasted and everything sucks and Im sososoosososooooo tired and I’m so overdramatic and fucking immature and dumb and I think yes I am gonna post this maybe privately though just so I can read it after this winter and oh that reminds me of Kieveee when we had to write letters to ourselves that we’ll get before we graduate stg. I’m not ready for graduation I know ill cry . ill cry so much because when say I FUCKING HATE THIS SCHOOL I CANT WAIT TO GET OUT I actually mean I love this school its my safe place all my friends are here my classmates, though some are annoying, I love all of you and god I’m not ready to be a “big kid” and I wish I was a little kid again and I love u mr. m and mrs.s and fuck Idont want to leave

ok goodnight school sucks and my life revolves around it

#laura's bs

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