#when i make music i wanna be able to control my audience’s mood like that

[rikilouvre]

paraluman

summary : a first-person pov / ldr au wherein after half a year of not being able to be with him, he finally made ends meet. and at the most unexpected but the most perfect time, too.

word count : 2.6k

story mood : sad/comforting

theme song : adie – paraluman

notes/warnings : r-16, this story is made for specific people dealing with insecurities and giving them assurance and appreciation <3, mentions of suicide, profanities, sensitive plot for some audience, negativity, better to look at the bigger picture, not proofread (mentioned : park sunghoon of enhypen!)

a/n : paraluman (pa-ra-lú-man) is a tagalog word meaning a “goddess,” in the sense of being a very beautiful woman.

would appreciate it a lot if you would reblog this post.

i have no idea what to do next, i was curled up in my bed and crying on my pillow. everything breaks me. from couples i walk by and their sweet bond to looking at the mirror. the mirror. i hate looking at it, i hate looking at myself, literally hate everything about my appearance and personality. why am i thinking about these things? i keep asking myself but it seems like i can't find the answer, and i will never find the answer. i miss jake. i miss our bonds, i miss the times he would cheer me up and we would buy ice cream together, i miss the times he would open up to me and i would hug him tightly for comfort, why did everything have to change?

oh god, i'm having a mental breakdown again. i, i can't take it. i just can't. i opened my phone and messaged jake, hopefully he isn't doing anything that'd be interrupted 'cause of me. but before i could even open the messaging app, my phone dinged "hey darling :)" appeared.

he left me on read? no, i refuse to believe this. this is ridiculous. this is pissing me off even more. when i need him the most, he just leaves me on read like "boom"? fuck him. fuck, now everyone's against me. am i that much of a pain in the ass? that even my boyfriend got fed up of my problems?

it feels like the end of the world, i feel like i have no one likes me, i feel like i'm an outcast. i wanna sleep, i can't. i wanna be happy, i can't. all i have with me is my tunes, only music is making me feel less miserable. the more i listen to the song, the deeper the meaning of the lyrics hits me – the more tears fall down my face. well, atleast my apartment is pretty. the moonlight shines from my window, i'm not sure if i should feel even sadder or happy 'cause the sight of my room is such a pleasant thing to look at. the memories behind all of the apartment – the cooking memories with jake when he full-on burned the cupcakes we made, the cleaning memories with him when he offered to help me clean the apartment even though he's least likely the type to know how to clean haha, and especially the cuddle moments with him when the room i'm looking at right now looks very much like the times we cuddle in my bed while we listen to love songs with one earbud for us each.

these memories helped me, a LOT. they helped me control my emotions and whole being correctly, they gave me hope in life when i was literal inches to a hanging noose on the ceiling. not to mention this distracted me for a full hour that i was really ready to sleep. jake, if you're out there,–

"_____!!!" someone shouted my name outside and he sounded like his lungs was about to fall off his mouth, which almost made me gasp a laugh. but mostly, made me confused. who in the hell would shout my name in the middle of the night? it made me scared too. shoot. i might be held hostage, WHO COULD IT BE????????? i'm overthinking.

but who was it? i asked myself before finally slowly creep up my window and peek my head, resting it on the window frame. "_____!" jake shouted my name again, tired that his hands are on his knees – like he just ran – but when i saw him, he was smiling like he finally achieved something on the way here. adrenaline rushed through me. a fire inside me slowly starts to burn, growing into a big bundle of energy of confusion, shock, and happiness. not even realizing, i was crying again.

"j–jake!" sobbing and eating my words up as i repeatedly shouted his words back – i was laughing, crying, hurting inside but at the same time i felt so light and full of hope. the smile plastered on his face slowly faded after i responded to his call and he immediately ran inside the apartment. he ran upstairs, i could hear his footsteps stomping throughout the 3rd floor.

i rushed to wipe my tears on the sleeves of my sweater, not minding even a second that my eyes and nose are so swell and i looked so hideous. "_____, open the door. please. let's talk." he said in between panted breaths and i jumped out of my bed, ran to open the door and finally be reunited with my home, face to face. there we are. he looked like he was scanning my face and whole body – grabbing my wrists and taking a look if i have done anything harmful to myself. when he finally understood that i was just crying all night, he lets himself in, rushed to shut the door and hugged me so so tightly i couldn't breathe.

it's as if i've forgotten everything i was crying about, it's as if all my problems were solved with just one big hug. a one big hug i've ever needed since he left. everything made me feel relief and the homesickness left my whole body. i'm home. i was too scared to even make a mistake during the moment that right after the burst of feelings ended, everything felt back to normal and i was breaking down in his arms. "baby, baby-" jake hurriedly grabbed my face on the side with his big hands, his expression so worried "baby, what's the matter? i'm here, i'm here." i felt so embarrassed, crying infront of him and being such a mess. "i'm.. i-" i couldn't even speak right. he went back to hugging me, resting his head on top of mine. "don't worry, i'm here. let's sit somewhere and i'm gonna be here to listen okay? i won't leave." he rubbed the back of my head soothingly, and i was ready to sleep right there right now just because of the assurance he gave me. but i decided to agree with him. so, i led him to my bedroom, my most favorite venting place with him.

the moment we both sat on the edge of the bed facing the door, i faced my upper body towards him and buried my head on his chest. i felt him sigh deeply as his hands rub my hair. i managed to stop crying, but still sobbing. we stayed like this for a long period of time, honestly don't care about nothing as long as we stay like this.

he placed a kiss on top of my head, rubbing his hand down my back repeatedly. "i'm so sorry for leaving you all of a sudden, _____. i should've told you a lot sooner that i was gonna move to a different place for my studies." his voice was shaking and sounded like he was stopping himself from straining his voice, was he... crying? i lifted my head up to see his face, he was. it left me shocked because it was also my first time seeing him cry because of me. he does care about me.

guilt found its way on my heart and mind – guilty of accusing him that he doesn't care about me an hour ago because of the messages. i guess i was being too controlled by my emotions, i was being too self-centered. but i thought to myself that it's a good thing that i don't go over my head and i admit my mistakes to myself. he was probably on the way here when he left my messages on read. that also made me wonder why he was so fast at going here too, we live a city apart! out of reflex, i wiped his tears with my thumbs and cupped his face with my hands.

"jake, it's not your fault" that's the only thing i had to say at that second before continuing, "it's my issues. i just found it hard to adjust because i got used to leaning on you when i feel so bad and i feel like ending it all." he gently grabbed my hands from his face and intertwined them with his, "that's the point. i's supposed to catch you when you're on your worst, but what did i do?" he started to burst into tears and i panicked. "jake," i rested my forehead on his and held onto his shoulders for support, "you've done a lot. you went all the way here just because you cared about me. you were worried because of the messages. all i wish was you would've told me you were going here. i look like a mess and most importantly, i was worried you were fed up of me that you left my messages on read." my hands that were holding onto his shoulders, slid down to his arms and to his hands.

he finally looked at me, resisting his tears and pursing his quivering lips to stop producing crying noises. "i'm sorry, _____. i'm really, really, really sorry. i love you, i really do. from the way you look to the way you treat others. your face, your so-called flabby arms, your tummy, your legs, your body physique – i love and appreciate them with all my heart." he sniffed and wiped his tears before sitting straight and clasping my hand inside his, "i honestly love you just the way you are, you're not like the other girls. literally. you rock things in your own way and you don't need to fit everyone's standard just for their satisfaction. that is why i liked you at the first place, _____. you are you. you never let anyone tell you what to wear and what to be like for everyone else's eyes, you stand out so much from people 'cause you're one-of-a-kind and that i don't think i'll ever find someone else like you."

all these words are making me feel like i just reached heaven, though, i knew there is a bottomline to it. we're the type to tell what's wrong and right, frankly. no sugarcoating, just the hard truth. then, he lets out a deep sigh before continuing,

"i do not truly understand why you're feeling like this, is it because of someone? because of me?"

"jake, i can't help but feel conscious that i'm with you. it's not your fault, this is on me. i found it hard not to keep up with the game – you're sim jaeyun, you're the most popular student in our university. you have no idea how much students i've heard were talking behind my back. about how you're too low for dating a basic girl like me. and everything became worse when you switched schools, every girl in the university was tearing my reputation down and i'm not that strong and confident to shun them all. i'm sorry for not telling you this, babe. but i had a good reason not to tell you, you might jump them."

he immediately looked away from me and bursted a chuckle from what i last said, "well, you've made the wrong choice, _____. you should've told me, i would or would not have jumped them, but most importantly i could've protected you from those lowlife girls. though, i'm sorry i couldn't see that you were suffering 'cause of that reason. i was too blinded and was trying too hard to keep our relationship appropriate that i couldn't see that you had your own problem. come here." he opened his arms for me, which i gladly invited myself in. he pulled me in for a big hug, our heads resting on the nape of each other's necks. "i love you so much, _____. i keep saying i love you 'cause i can't express my love for you all in one go. don't compare yourself to them, okay? i'm the one telling you that. you don't need to worry about keeping up with the popularity and all, you're the best just on your own. you don't need anything else just for me to love you."

he gripped onto me tightly, cooing, "you're my paraluman, baby-" pecked my ear and neck gently "- you're the most beautiful goddess i've laid eyes on." i was crying again, except it was tears of joy. i felt so uplifted and the thought of having a boyfriend like him was making me feel pretty damn lucky and i felt like i won in life. i started snickering, out of curiosity, he pulled away from the hug and looked at my face, "why are you laughing while crying?" he giggled once and a smile formed on his lips. "i'm soooo lucky to have you, jaeyun. thank you so much for coming here tonight." i pecked his lips. and what i last said brought me to another question of the night, "wait, babe. how did you even get here that fast? just an hour?" i started to give him a '?' face.

he was dumbfounded at first, then he laughed, "i forgot to tell you. hoon-ah, he gave me a ride here. i told him to drop me on the other block and come back for me when i message him. he's in mcdonalds right now." my smile slowly faded when i heard that he was gonna go home tonight too. but it's as if he could read my mind, "don't worry, though, babe. i'll just message hoon-ah to go home, i'll stay for tonight." he gave me an assuring smile, his face that fully caught my attention for the first time tonight.

his eyes are swollen and red from crying, but he is glowing. the moonlight from the sky illuminating the room the best it can, the light shining on jake's unwiped tears. his skin so malleable, his clothes so comfortable – i wanna stay like this with him forever, even if it meant depression and consciousness for me. as long as he's with me, everything will be and feel alright, knowing that the reason behind his situation right now is because of his love for me – the care that i always wanted to get from someone i'd love back with my whole heart. someone who'd be the romeo to my juliet.

after some time, we laid down on the bed, opened the window to let air go inside and fill the room with the cold night breeze. this is when i started to think rationally, "jake, don't you have special saturday classes tomorrow?" i turned to my side to talk to him. he placed his index finger on my lips, "don't worry, we can just wake up early. or i could just skip class, i know my ways about catching up to lessons." his shenanigans made me get caught off-guard, laughing at his response to my question. but then i managed to bring the topic back to serious mode, "no, jake. you're gonna go tomorrow. we will wake up early so you can prepare. good thing you have extra clothes in my closet."

"ha!" he exclaimed before tapping the tip of my nose lightly with the same index finger, "i knew the clothes i hid here would be put to good use." we shared another laugh. i sighed, "i need sleep, goodnight baby." i turned to face the wall, "thank you for coming here again, i love you." "i love you too, my paraluman." this dude is seriously making me flustered everytime he has the chance. i immediately grabbed the sheets to cover my head, "jake, it's literally sleeping time. stop making your girlfriend blush." i said, smiling. he laughed at my response.

next day afternoon :

[xiaomoxu]

Lucien - Leisure Light Date

⚠️ SPOILER ALERT!! ⚠️

A date from CN server which hasn’t been released on EN server yet.

It turned out I have some time for translating this date before I have a date with some works later~ please enjoy a sweet moment on their leisure time ^^

Translations under the cuts~

In the middle of the autumn, the sun willingly spilled into the living room, and the fragrance of sweet-scented osmanthus was lingering on the tip of my nose. I took a deep breath and opened the long-awaited book.

MC: Where did I read it last time..."The psychological effects that should be avoided in business management" seems to be here.

Before I read a few lines, the news of the company group suddenly jumped out, I was a little confused and opened it.

Kiki: Guys! I found the most unbeatable challenge on the entire network!

Kiki: It's the actor who worked with us last time! We sincerely invite everyone to try it!

Kiki said and sent a link to the video, with the title saying "no temptation challenge, 100% failure."

MC: 100% failure is too exaggerated...

I was about to open it when Lucien sat beside me at some point and put two glasses of juice with lemon slices on the coffee table.

Lucien: Looking at what?

MC: Kiki posted a video just now, it's very popular recently, called "no temptation challenge."

I put the phone between us and Lucien glanced at the screen, showing a thoughtful expression.

Lucien: Several young interns in the Institute also watch this type of video recently.

MC: Hahaha I didn't expect this craze has spread to the group of scientific researchers.

Thinking that the interns in the institute are all boys, I blinked, took Lucien's arm, and looked at him meaningfully.

MC: Did Professor Lucien also watch it? Don’t you wanna share it with me?

Lucien was amused by my look, his eyes curled up, and there was a hint of cunning in his eyes.

Lucien: Would you be angry if I said I had seen it?

MC: Not to that extent, it's just a little bit concerned.

Lucien: Really? Then why your mouth is pouting.

MC: It isn't.

Hearing this, I pursed my mouth deliberately, but saw the smile on Lucien's face wider.

Lucien: Your "a little bit of concerned" makes me very happy.

Lucien: But what I just said is just a hypothesis. The actual situation is...I haven't seen it.

MC: I guess so, after all, a busy person like Professor Lucien would not kill time in this way like me.

Lucien: Oh? It seems that MC have seen it a lot?

Lucien: I am a little curious, from the perspective of a big producer, what would it look like.

MC: In fact, I watched it mostly when I was looking for inspiration for new programs with my colleagues, and now I don’t see much impression.

Now that I think about it, I have never faced this "no temptation challenge" with the mentality of an audience.

Seeing the lemon stuck in the mouth of the juice glass, an idea came to my mind.

MC: Since we have never played, how about playing together once?

Lucien: With you, of course.

Lucien: However, I didn't know much about the specific rules.

Lucien: Is it literally? As long as there is no temptation in the moment of the challenge, it is considered successful?

MC: That's right.

MC: As for the punishment if we failed, let use these two lemons.

Lucien: So how can we judge whether a person is being tempted?

MC: Mostly in this situation, people's temptation will show on their faces.

As soon as the voice fell, I found Lucien's gaze was looking at me, as if he was thinking about some episodes of the past.

It was confirmed that something was normal, and his eyes were stained with a smile.

Lucien: Well, this statement can indeed be proved by you.

My cheeks were a little hot unconsciously, and as expected, before this person, my mind had never been able to hide.

MC: Suddenly I feel that this challenge is too easy for you. After all, Professor Lucien is very good at hiding his mind...

Lucien reached out and squeezed my palm.

Lucien: Isn't the "no temptation challenge" that is the easiest way for me to fail, right in front of my eyes?

Looking at Lucien's serious face, I blinked.

MC: Really, let me demonstrate the reaction of Professor Lucien's heart this time!

Lucien: This classmate seems very certain that I will fail, have you forgotten...You need to work hard for your challenge first?

MC: Humph, my challenge is just watching the video. I must be expressionless all the time.

Lucien: Then I will study by the side, your excellent demonstration.

MC: I must take the lead~

I responded to his ridicule with a smile, moved closer to him, picked up the phone and clicked on the link.

Unlike ordinary challenge materials, many roles that the actor has played are edited in this video.

There are gentle scholars in white shirts, chic and dusty knights, mysterious and mad assassins, cute and considerate neighbor....

There are many types, and it seems that no matter what the audience’s aesthetic orientation is, they can always find something that suits their minds in this video.

Although I knew the technique very well, my mood was gradually aroused by the slow jazz music and the right lens flare.

The finale was a cold-faced agent wearing a dark trench coat and holding a black technological cane.

Seeing the back of the character walking calmly in the smoke of gunpowder and hunting wind, another person suddenly appeared in my mind.

Dangerous, mysterious, and people want to follow and approach.

He must be very suitable for this appearance...

Thinking of this, I couldn't help but look up at Lucien, but I was falling into his gaze.

I was reflected in his eyes, and the corners of his mouth were curled up unconsciously because of my own cranky thoughts.

MC: You, don't look at me first!

I rubbed my face eagerly, trying to drive away the clearer image in my mind.

Under the slowly stirring music, the video has been replayed a second time, and my sight was blocked by a glass of juice.

Lucien: It turns out that our well-informed big producers will also be defeated by this challenge.

I was speechless for a while, and turned my face up to Lucien, blinking and pursing my cheeks to quibble.

MC: This challenge video is really cunning, the character is different from the real person, and there is a lot of room for people to associate...

Lucien's gaze fell on me faintly, which made me unconsciously think of the other side of him again.

With a guilty conscience, I averted my eyes and squeezed the lemon slice in front of me.

MC: Well, I am willing to accept punishment!

The sour lemon scent exploded in my mouth. I frowned and covered my mouth, curling up my toes.

MC: It's... sour!

Lucien looked at my sour expression so that I couldn't speak clearly, and smiled for a while before putting the glass in my hand.

Lucien: Drink slowly, don't choke.

The taste of orange and mango dilutes the sourness. I put down the bottomed glass and took a long breath.

MC: I shouldn't be curious about Kiki's stuff...

Lucien: But a certain classmate was very happy just now, and she didn't blinked her eyes.

Lucien: Speaking of which, since it is the actor you have worked with, then I am very curious.....

Lucien: At the scene, are you taking that seriously too?

The implications of this question are self-evident.

I held Lucien's arm and leaned in front of him, looking into his eyes

MC: At the scene, I have to coordinate the shooting and control the progress. How can I look at someone so seriously?

MC: For Professor Lucien who is a program consultant, isn't it very clear?

MC: In fact, when I was watching the video, I smiled because I thought of you.

I talked more softly as I speak, while watching his expression.

Lucien: Well, I guessed it, because at the end of the broadcast, you looked up at me.

Guessed it? Thinking of Lucien's words and deeds just now, I blinked in a daze.

MC: That… but you still....

The person before me seemed to finally couldn't help but smile, and the corners of his lips pulled out a beautiful arc.

Lucien: I am just like you, only "a little bit concerned".

Lucien: Of course, I also want to see how you concerned about me.

Lucien's coquettish tone inadvertently made me want to coax him again.

MC: I always concerned about you.

With that said, I looked at him pretentiously.

MC: Hmm...I found that our Professor Lucien still looks the best, without any make up and filters!

Seeing my eyes brightly pleased, Lucien raised his index finger and tapped my forehead with his knuckles, looking helpless.

Lucien: Judging from the range of people you have contact with, such an evaluation seems too exaggerated.

MC: This is the truth.

Lucien: You....

MC: After all, "the beauty is in the eyes of the lover".

Lucien: For this point, I can feel the same.

He spoke bluntly and sincerely, as if he didn't feel embarrassing what he said at all.

I looked away unnaturally, trying to hide my blushing cheeks, and inadvertently saw the book on the table that I was holding upside down.

MC: Puff—it’s also a coincidence that I just read the phrase "beautiful in the eyes of a lover" in a book.

Lucien moved his gaze to the book in my hand and raised his eyebrows.

Lucien: "Business Management and Psychology"? This is mentioned in this book, which is a bit surprising.

Seeing that he was interested, I simply picked up the book and shared it with Lucien.

MC: Well, when I read about the "halo effect", a short example in the book mentioned "beauty in the eyes of a lover".

MC: In fact, people are not only easy to perceive the heart from the outside, but also generalize from the inner character traits to the appearance evaluation.

MC: Therefore, what we often say "beauty in the eyes of lovers" is also a manifestation of the halo effect.

Lucien: Using this example to explain the "halo effect" is indeed small and easy to understand.

Lucien: However, it is placed in the whole module of "The psychological effects that should be avoided in business management", which seems to be too rational.

MC: I don't know if I, with the blessing of "halo effect", can I let Professor Lucien challenge and fail?

Lucien smiled and picked up the glass and took a sip of juice.

Lucien: Do MC want to see how I eat lemons?

I looked at the piece of lemon on the mouth of his glass that had lost some moisture, and shook my head.

MC: No need, this slice of lemon is a bit dry.

MC: How about changing the penalty for failure to... before the end of the fall, how about taking time to accompany me on an autumn outing in the suburbs?

Lucien: Well, we really haven't been to the suburbs for a long time.

I turned around and hugged him with joy.

Lucien encircled me and stroked my hair which hanging behind my shoulders with his warm palms.

MC: What to do, this failure punishment is very tempting to me.

Lucien gave a low laugh, pressed against my chest and shook lightly.

Lucien: It's not difficult to make my heart beat faster. Perhaps, this challenger and referee can work hard.

MC: Hm...

The steady and powerful heartbeat hit my auricle, and I suddenly had an inspiration.

By the way.. Accelerated heartbeat is also a way of judging your heartbeat, right?

I lifted my head from his arms and blinked.

MC: I have a way to record the moments of Professor Lucien's heartbeat!

I took off the smart watch in my hand and pulled Lucien's hand.

The internal test of the watch strap also carried the body temperature, and it was tied to his well-defined wrist.

Lucien squinted his eyes, his lips lifted up with a helpless smile.

Lucien: I remember you said that you bought it to supervise your health management. Unexpectedly, entertainment functions could also be developed.

MC: Make the best use of it!

I entered the data on the app and nodded with satisfaction.

MC: I set up a function that sounds when the heart rate is exceeded.

MC: Now even if Professor Lucien controls his expression well, his heartbeat will be exposed.

Lucien: Miss referee is so strict, it seems I have to be careful.

MC: Of course, I have to be strict with a smart person like Professor Lucien. It’s not that easy to make your heart beat.

Lucien: Yes?

Lucien: But you obviously can do it all the time.

Lucien spoke naturally and even took a leisurely sip of juice.

His unsuspecting state seems to be suitable for "raid".

I moved inwardly, pretending to lean towards him inadvertently, and slowly stretched out my hand to touch the corner of his lips.

MC: There seems to be some juice here.

Lucien smiled and cooperated with me and lowered his head, letting my thumb slowly rub his clean lips.

Lucien: It seems to be stained a lot.

The warm breath brushed my fingertips, making a sultry itchy.

My heart was beating like a drum, and I raised my head and moved closer--

Suddenly the cell phone ringing abruptly, breaking the atmosphere at this moment.

I hurried not to show a hot face, grabbed the phone and handed it to him

MC: You, you answer the phone first!

Lucien chuckled and touched my hair naturally after answering the phone.

Lucien: Lectures... My schedule may affect other people's work arrangements, so I need to checked it again.

I turned my head and looked at Lucien's profile quietly. He responded to the phone as usual, with no trace of heartbeat.

Probably my eyes were too straightforward. When the phone was turned off, he looked at me, pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows.

Lucien: Isn't the juice cleaned yet?

I straightened the hair around my cheeks, trying to hide my red cheeks.

MC: No, I want to tell you... the challenge is success.

Seeing that he didn't say anything, I hurriedly changed the subject and asked him about the lecture.

MC: Is the time for new lecture invitations out of schedule?

Lucien: Well, the time of the lecture has collided with the shooting schedule of next weekend. I am about to ask for your suggestions.

I reviewed the shooting arrangements in my mind and got an idea.

MC: How about postponing that part of your shooting until next weekend? So you can go to the lecture!

Lucien: That...Thank you for the "black box operation" of the big producer. Please say my apologies to our colleagues in the program team.

MC: Okay, don't worry about this.

We tacitly stopped the topic of work and continued to enjoy the long time of the holiday.

Lucien leaned back on the sofa in a relaxed manner, the light golden spot flickering under his eyes, and he closed his eyes.

MC: You got up a bit early to make a breakfast, are you sleepy?

Lucien smiled and held my hand, and hooked his fingers like a baby.

Lucien: Maybe because it’s autumn, can you take a nap with me here?

I nodded lightly and leaned against his shoulder.

-

I don't know how long it took, but in a trance, I heard the rustle of leaves blowing in the wind.

I opened my eyes, and the shadow of the tree on the floor danced slightly, and there was nothing beside me, with only a blanket still covering my body.

The breeze blew the white gauze curtains, and there was still the breath of laziness after a nap in the air.

I stretched my waist and heard a small noise from the study, so I got up and walked towards it.

The door of the study was closed. When I opened the door, Lucien was sitting at the table, shrugging his shoulders and listening his mobile phone casually.

His hair is a little messy, and his legs are covered with a blanket. It looks like he just woke up.

But his eyes were serious about looking at the shorthand notebook in his hand, and he had clearly entered the working state.

The cap of the pen was bit between his teeth, and the rustle of writing sounded intermittently, making the room more quiet.

He recorded something enthusiastically, occasionally answering the person on the other end of the receiver briefly.

Lucien: Mm-hm.

Maybe a new proposition is brewing at the tip of his pen, maybe he is calculating one of the thousands of possibilities.

The bright sunshine poured in through the floor-to-ceiling windows and enveloped him in warmth.

Lucien looked up and saw me, took the pen cap in his mouth and the phone on his shoulder, and gently covered the microphone with his wrist.

Lucien: It will be over soon.

I walked over lightly, and got into his arms in his somewhat surprised eyes.

The surprise in his eyes was replaced by a gradually widening smile, and he held a shorthand notebook around me.

I rested on Lucien's shoulders, his collarbone was exposed and he looked extremely white in the sun.

As if bewitched by some sort, I lowered my head and dropped a kiss on the delicate skin.

Suddenly, the smart watch beeps twice.

My cheeks warmed a little, and I wanted to get up helplessly, but the shackles on my waist didn't mean to loosen the slightest.

The person on the other end of the phone finished the report and was saying goodbye to Lucien.

Lucien: Let's do this first, thanks for your hard work.

Lucien hung up the phone, put the shorthand notebook full of calculations aside, and took off his watch by the way.

MC: Am I interrupting your work?

I looked up and saw a warm light and a particularly soft smile in his eyes.

Lucien: I think strictly speaking, work interrupts us.

I glanced at many places on the shorthand notebook with question marks and blinked at him.

MC: There are many remaining issues, no need to deal with it?

Lucien: It doesn't matter, it's too late to wait until the working day. Now I have more important things to deal with.

MC: Is there anything more important than research?

Lucien: Of course there is.

Lucien: I just thought that usually challenge games should have rewards as opposed to punishments, right?

MC: Um... we did not discuss the rewards

Lucien: But when you hugged me just now, I thought of what kind of reward I wanted.

The pupils of Lucien's eyes glowed brightly when he looked at me, and soft ripples fainted under his eyes.

Lucien: Next weekend, I don’t want to miss the time I spent with you like today.

Lucien: So... can I be greedy and let you accompany me on business trips?

Lucien: As compensation, maybe we can realize your autumn outing plan together in a farther place.

--

[ftstorm]

My take on 5x10

Welp, that was a big one!

You know, before going into this episode I reminded myself this was the first episode of a new era, the first episode completely made by the new team.

So with that in mind my expectations were "Okay, let's see what they've got."

And oh boy did they surprise me.

DISCLAIMER: this text post is long af, not kidding.

1. THE INTRO SCENE.

You guys have no idea how glad I am that we got Mac doing a usual MacGyvering in his house. It's been ages since they implemented this format of showing his dynamics outside Phoenix and around his house.

I wasn't worried about the proposal thing at all. Guys, you have to accept that MacRiley was always going to happen after that 4x04 episode.

There was also the fact that this was the intro scene (usually the most important plot issues happen in the outro scene), Bozer's weird reaction and the melancholic audio cue.

If that proposal was happening, they would've made it more uplifting.

(I gotta say that watching Monica Marcer and the official MacGyver account making damage control in Twitter 3mins into the episode was a funny experience)

So my initial questions about Mac wanting to propose were: "what are his motivations?" and "how is this not going to work out by the end of the episode?"

The second question we got the answer later on. The first question remains unanswered. If we take on Mac's words, he says:

Mac: Unexpected, I know, I know. But that's why I like about it. You know ever since I lost my dad and Jack I've been thinking about the bigger picture. A commitment to make things work it's exactly what Desi and I need. A grand romantic gesture. *cue melancholic music*

Here we're presented with a bunch of things worth analysing, in my opinion.

He's trying to see the "bigger picture" which, for me, it means he's trying to tackle down different issues from his life with one specific, efficient action [the proposal]. Those issues being:

> his current romantic relationship: make is aware they have an inconsistent relationship > his performance at work: he needs balance between his personal affairs and his work, which is based on saving the world in a daily basis and for that he needs to be focused. > dealing with his past losses: to my understanding, saying "ever isn I lost my dad and Jac I've been thinking about the bigger picture" means that he doesn't want hopelessness to take over him, he wants to keep on moving and being proactive about his life.

So... you have to understand that in some sort of way, this proposal thing is a signal that Mac is healing. In some sort of way, if you were in Mac's shoes you would see that it was a positive thing for him. A step forward.

The thing is, we [the audience] have an extended understanding of the situation and we know that an engagement would be an incredibly rushed decision.

As well as it is that Mac's trying to move forward, he obviously hasn't been able to pinpoint the true issue behind his relationship with Desi. He isn't wrong about them lacking in the commitment department, but forcing the relationship to scalate isn't the right move. He should be asking himself: "Why are we avoiding commitment?"

And that's when he'd find out that they have very deep and important trust and communication issues.

~~~~

2. Moving on. MURDOC.

Russ: I can process it more efficiently by having it all spread out ahead me, you know. I reckon see the bigger picture at once.

This is when I realized that the episode was centered on this whole "bigger picture" idea. Russ struggles to see the full picture until the very end and Mac finds out that he hasn't been seeing the full picture of his life at all by the end of the episode.

Fast forward, the team's in Mexico, Riley knows about the ring already and she has already had the talk with Bozer in which she refers to her feelings for Mac in a past tense.

Then Murdoc appears.

And as if the episode wasn't already a rollercoaster after Mac's reveal, now Murdoc shows up to put everything upside down.

First I gotta say, man Dastmalchian is SUCH A GOOD MURDOC. Excellent actor. The way he delivers his lines, his facial expressions, all of it make an original and very entertaining Murdoc.

He always gives me such a Andrew Scott's Moriarty vibes and I love it.

Secondly, his dynamic with Andrews: *cheff kiss*

I loved how Andrews was so over Murdoc's theatrics, to the point his facial expression screamed "Why did I even reclute this guy" LOL.

Back to the story.

This is something I was hoping it wouldn't happen but at the same time I don't see another way it could've happened which is the explanation behind Murdoc's escape and how Phoenix didn't know about it.

Because what they told us is that the FBI didn't let them in on Murdoc's escape, right? Does that imply that the FBI has a corrupt agent in charge? Does it imply that the order of not letting Phoenix in came from above? Maybe someone with higher clearence than Matty? A politician? Governement conspiracy?

It smells like plot hole, tbh. I feel like the Murdoc's escape is a classic "it is what it is". We'll see if they come back to this in later episodes.

~~~~

3. BIG SECRET REVEAL 1.

By now we're at the point of the rollercoaster where you're going up and up and up. Your tension building more and more as you're getting close to the drop.

Bozer and Riley's audio was the drop.

You know, during this scene I jumped from my seat, closed my eyes, cringed, squealed, my heart accelarated, forgot how to breathe...

As a person who is a little bit bipolar when it comes to romance (I can be very shy about it or very outspoken about it) that scene made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

Imagine having your feelings exposed not only to the person you have feelings for but also his girlfriend who happens to be your friend, your boss and the criminal that's threatening to kill hundreds of people.

I was like: "Not like this!!"

And Mac's reaction didn't help because of the lack of it. I don't know what I expected but his slightly monotone reaction broke my heart.

Thankfully, I've recovered since then and I don't mind that it happened that way.

Still, imagine how suffocating it must've been for Riley. That idea was what made me so uncomfortable and I think that's what they were going for. They wanted to make it as straightforward and awkward as possible.

But it doesn't end there. It's followed by Mac revealing the ring to Desi (and Riley). Mac's in "fuck it" mood and Desi kinda panics.

Little side note here, using GUM and a DIAMOND to break a bullet proof glass... BIG YES. That's an intrinsic MacGyverism.

~~~~

4. BIG SECRET REVEAL 2.

Then we get a breather from this drama by introducing another drama, Leanna's death.

Bozer's reaction to the news was heartbreaking for my already heartbroken heart.

I have my suspicions as to why they decided to kill her... The other episode completely made by the new team was the Quarantine one (5x06). During that episode Mac and Bozer bond over Bozer's pain. After learning about Bozer's mom, Mac chooses to share a piece of his own pain with him.

So, hear me out, I think they writers are planning to help Mac process his own grief THROUGH Bozer's grief. Keep in mind that we still have a Bozer centered episode coming up.

This is just a theory. I may be wrong, but I think it may be right too.

Back to the episode.

Once again we see a three dimensional Russ. He does something accordingly to his own judgement thinking it's the right decision [hiding Leanna's death], he realizes he screwed up, he gives Bozer a very heartfelt apology about it.

Henry's acting talent shone with this narrative. Actually, most of the actors had the chance to shine THANKS to the NARRATIVE. Murdoc, Andrews, Desi, Mac, Russ and Bozer... they all had their highlight moments (I'll talk about Riley later).

Parenthesis here... THE NARRATIVE HAS RETURNED THEIR SOULS TO OUR DEAR CHARACTERS!

WOW, they aren't brooding, angry, sad or whiny ALL THE EFFIN TIME. ABOUT TIME!

~~~~

5. LAST ACT.

For the third or fouth time in this episode my heart broke again when Mac was friendly towards Riley, after she explained herself. It really felt like he was friendzoning her.

But here's something to point out. Riley visibly relaxed when he reacted that way. What does that tell us?

> She had been so tense up until that point. Imo, she's on the defensive now. You can even see it in her wardrobe, make up and hairstyle choices. They're very contrasting to Riley's most vulnerable moments in this show (like when Audrey broke up with her).

Riley has had a year to sort out her feelings. We see in this episode that she spoke about them in a past tense. Whether she achieved it or not is unknown. We just know that she has at least tried to move on.

> She was mostly afraid of ruining her close relationship with Mac (who's her only family, along with Bozer) and her friendship (?) with Desi. We've seen it over and over again: Riley DID NOT WANT to get in the middle of them.

Keep that in mind as we go in the last scene.

It took me a while to figure out a possible thread of thought inside Mac's mind. Why did he look at the ring and decided to go to Riley's house? It really didn't make sense to me.

One moment he was thinking about his proposal and somehow that lead to him having the necessity to know if Riley still had feelings for him? Why??

My theory is that he went to her apartment for permission.

His question was a way of asking Riley for permission to propose to Desi. It was a way of reassuring himself that proposing was still the right decision.

In a way, he could also be fishing for an excuse to not do it [the proposal].

Because now he has doubts. He's confused, unsure.

Mac asks:

Mac: Hiding your emotions and letting it pass. Did it go away?

What could her answer have been? Here I wanna go back again to Riley being emotionally defensive, added her strong desire of not wanting to be in the middle of Mac and Desi's relationship.

I think she would've said "Yes, it worked."

Because it also lines up with my idea that the love triangle has changed from "Riley's a better match for Mac" to "Mac needs to win Riley's heart".

Riley's done her job. She worked out her feelings. Now it's time for Mac to sort out his humongously messed up internal self and reignite her spark. That's what I think.

Also, if anyone has any idea on how the song that played in that scene relates with the moment please share it with me because I don't really understand the song choice lol.

~~~~

6. ADDITIONAL COMMENTS

Desi. I'm not sure what's going on in her mind. She seemed stressed out by the ring, very serious about Riley, lenient with Mac... I'm really not sure.

My guess would be that she doesn't want that type of commitment but she wants to be with Mac yet she can't ignore Riley so does that mean she has to end it with Mac? That's the thought process she may have had? Idk...

I'm glad they let her be mature about it, with no overreactions, no whining, no blaming, nothing of that style that we're used to see in her.

I'm also glad about that moment when she defeats Murdoc and Andrews. THAT'S HOW YOU WRITE A TOUGH DESI. It was filmed with such a gracefulness and elegance. I liked it.

From a MacDesi point of view, she's probably being open minded and giving him space and waiting for him to come back to her... but somehow I got the vibe that she's actually... running away?

Lastly but no less important.

THE HISPANIC REPRESANTION OMG. RUSS SPEAKING SPANISH AND THAT CUMBIA MUSIC FILLED MY HEART WITH SO MUCH PRIDE!!! :')

[youllallriseintheink]

Lasting Melodies, chapter 1: You Were Always There

I thought I’d make a story for Jack Fain and Sammy Lawrence, showing their snippets of their lives together from their first performance to Jack’s untimely death.

The first chapter is mostly going to be fluff. In the second chapter, ink-related angst kicks in.

I hope you all enjoy this.

---

In the backstage of a little theatre, Jack Fain sat in anxious silence, waiting to be called out alongside Sammy for their Vaudesville routine. During their practices together, he’d been able to push down the idea of dozens or hundreds of people staring at him for their entertainment, but now it was all he could think about. He looked to Sammy, who seemed much calmer, and offered him a little smile and a nod. Sammy had done many performances before, beginning with concerts as a child and teenager showcasing his prodigal talent. Sammy was the reason Jack didn’t simply shed the flashy vaudevillian getup and make a run for it- Sammy had never, at least as far as Jack knew, had a humiliating performance, and Jack wasn’t about to waste all the effort they’d put in and make it his first.

The announcer finally called them out. “Just focus on the routine,” Sammy said, leading Jack onto the stage.

The routine was no different than practice- in fact, the adrenaline of doing it before an audience made it easier if anything. It would have been poor performance not to look at the crowd, so Jack did, but they didn’t terrify him like they expected. They weren’t bored, or annoyed, or vicious, they were having fun. And Jack was having fun with them.

When the routine was finished, the crowd cheered.

“They love us, Sammy,” Jack breathed. Of course, the crowd had cheered for every performer that night, and Jack knew that. But it felt so good. People loved him! All their skill and effort had made people cheer.

Jack felt a little tug at his sleeve and followed Sammy’s lead backstage, slightly embarrassed that he’d almost overstayed his welcome.

“That was amazing!”

“Good!” Sammy replied. He was smiling, too. “I was starting to think you weren’t cut out for this, but you’re actually a real stage personality. Would you do it again with me?”

“Next chance we have.”

“Great. I’ve been meaning to ask you something, actually- I want to do shows like this for a living someday, but I'd want a partner for it. So, will you be my partner?”

“Wow, that’s an awfully big choice. I wanna say yes right away, but give me a little time to think about it. Okay? And thank you. I would have never been able to do this without you.”

“Heh. No problem. No one I’d rather be on stage with than you.”

Jack blushed. It was a touch awkward to have his crush and best friend praise him like that. “Thanks,” was all that he could manage.

---

As soon as Sammy walked in to their apartment, Jack could tell that he was in a bad mood. Jack put down the book he was reading and went to him. “Something up, Sam?”

Sammy sighed deeply. “I think we need to have a little house meeting.”

“Sure.”

“Okay. Well, I was fired by the movie theatre for,” Sammy made air quotes with his fingers, “‘unhinged and unprofessional behaviour.’ And let’s be honest- we’ve been at the musical thing long enough, and our names aren’t taking off. Remember that Joey Drew guy who offered to hire us as a pair? I think we should do that. It’s a way for us to be working on music together.”

“Well, it’s too bad that you want to give up on the performances, but hey, writing music for a living sounds like an improvement on working at the record store. Sure, let’s do it.”

Sammy smiled and nodded, then looked away. “There’s something else I want to tell you as well. I... well, I found your love poem.”

Jack was stunned. “What?”

Sammy took the folded piece of paper from his pocket. “Uh, here... sorry. You told me it was a song you weren’t finished with, and I took a peek, even though you told me not to, and it was probably an accident you left it in the open.”

Jack's heart raced, afraid of what this would mean for Sammy’s perspective of him. “Okay,” he began, in a tone one might use to calm an animal, “Now that you know about this, I understand if you want to set some new boundaries with me-”

“No! No- I found it months ago. Sorry I didn’t give it back- I just don’t think I convince myself it existed, otherwise. And I didn’t think I wanted to pursue this, but I just thought, you know, if I couldn’t pursue musical performance the way I wanted to, maybe I could have the other thing I wanted.”

Not quite stunned by disbelief, Jack cupped Sammy’s face with one of his hands, forcing Sammy to meet his eyes. “I love you too.”

Sammy pulled him into their first kiss. It was just how Jack had always imagined it would be.

---

Jack sat in Henry’s old desk, waiting for his turn to be called into Joey’s office. Joey had, for no obvious reason, scheduled Sammy in for a fifteen-minute meeting at nine, with him having a similar meeting right after. Finally, Sammy came out, not looking any more upset than usual, thankfully.

“You’re not getting fired, don’t worry,” Sammy said. “We’re gonna have plenty to talk about over lunch, though.”

“Okay.” Jack’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Any idea what his reason is for calling us in like this?”

“Frankly? I think you’re sitting on it,” Sammy said, rolling his eyes. Then he left.

This just confused Jack. There had been no secret that Joey was sore over Henry’s departure a couple days ago, but what could that have to do with Joey wanting to see them?

As soon as Jack had entered Joey’s office, Joey had sat him down with a nice cup of coffee. “So, this is just going to be a casual meeting, Jack. Just you and me talking- one artist to another, alright?” There was an air of longing and desperation in Joey’s eyes.

“Alright.”

“Alright! Excellent! So, as an artistic man, I’m sure that you understand that an artist needs a partner, right?” Joey reached out and stroked Jack’s hand with his finger. Jack took his hand off the desk.

“I’m actually with someone else.”

Disappointment was evident in Joey’s eyes. “Oh, I meant nothing of that sort. I meant a person I could share my dreams and my ideas with. To be loyal and dependable to me.”

“Okay. Sure. I can do that.”

“Alright, great. First thing- you spend a lot of time with Sammy. Tell me about him- what he likes, what he dislikes, what he means when he says ‘please give me space,’ and so on.”

The fifteen minutes passed, and subjects such art, dreams, and ideas went unmentioned. Jack and Sammy truly did have a lot to talk about over lunch, which they took in Sammy’s office for privacy’s sake.

“Wow. He was really that direct with you?” Sammy couldn’t say he was surprised. Though he hadn’t been that obvious about it, Joey had clearly been chasing Sammy’s approval.

“Yep. But the second I told him I was with someone else, he went right on to talking about you. I could just see him taking notes on how to impress you.”

“Pathetic. Well, maybe I should tell him that I’m interested in complete control over my department, who works in it, and when he visits it. Who knows, I might get it. And then you’ll have eternal job security.”

“And maybe I could tell him that you like something goofy to see how far he’ll go.”

Sammy smiled. “Please do. This I must see.”

The next day, Jack told Joey that Sammy’s favourite flower was a white carnation. When Jack came in the next day, there was a vase containing three white carnations on Joey’s desk.

Now knowing his power, Jack resisted the temptation to use it for about a week before he decided to wax poetic to Joey about Sammy’s supposed lifelong love of reptiles. The day after that, Sammy walked into their morning meeting to see Joey with a medium-sized snake around his shoulders. “Her name is Vivaldi,” Joey explained. “She’s a Bullsnake. Wanna pet her?”

Sammy did not, in fact, want to pet her.

After the snake incident, Jack’s daily meetings with Joey became more professionally-focused before ending entirely, and within a few weeks, Vivaldi’s tank, along with the snake herself, had disappeared from Joey’s office.

---

“What? Why...?” Tears were forming in Jack’s eyes. He couldn’t believe this.

Sammy ground his teeth. This wasn’t easy for him, either. “Because you’re the anchor that’s keeping me at Joey Drew Studios. I’m turning thirty in a month, and I… I don’t know whether to accept that I’m going to be working here forever or if I should move on to other options. But “other options” probably wouldn’t let me keep working with you. I need to remind myself that I can live without you, and look at what other opportunities are out there. So, yeah. We can still live together, and we can still talk as the job or as being roommates requires, but I’m going to try not being your friend or your boyfriend for a while, okay? It probably won’t be for more than a month or two.”

Jack wanted to say something- something like, “but I need you, too!” but he didn’t. “Okay,” was all he said. “I hope you get what you want from this.”

Sammy cringed at how defeated Jack sounded. He wanted to hug him, but he didn’t want to break their “no being friends or lovers” agreement within the first five seconds, so instead he left for his room.

Jack and Sammy soon found out that they were very bad at staying away from each other. People still used Jack as a go-between to get messages through to Sammy, and that alone meant they interacted almost on a daily basis. The two of them still needed a discerning eye to look over their music, and while there were others, there was no one they trusted as much or enjoyed the company of quite the same. Sometimes Jack would forget (or “forget”) about their break period and try to bring Sammy coffee and snacks, or check to make sure Sammy was doing alright during the deadline crunch- and sometimes Sammy would send him away out of principle, but just as often he didn’t have the willpower. Jack found himself entertaining fantasies of them drifting back together within a matter of weeks.

Then one day, Jack caught sight of Susie Campbell kissing Sammy’s cheek in the music room. “Other opportunities” indeed. Jack wrestled with himself over whether to say anything, but ultimately chose to keep it to himself. If that was what Sammy wanted, there was nothing he could do about it.

[fanficsaremylifeline]

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Happy Hogan & Pepper Potts & James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark Characters: Pepper Potts, Happy Hogan, Tony Stark, Peter Parker, James "Rhodey" Rhodes Additional Tags: Depression, Anxiety, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Peter Parker, Ironfamily Series: Part 16 of Ironfam Summary:

With Tony being close to spiraling into a panicky and depressive episode, all that while both Pepper and Rhodey are out of reach, there is only one thing that can be done: Emergency Protocol 27-8.

(27. August is one of Peter Parker’s birthday. Every incarnation seems to have a different one, I just chose this one per chance)

***

“Hey Happy, what's going on?” Pepper was only slightly worried, getting out of her meeting and being met with 9 missed calls. Could mean nothing, Happy was quite the over-eager head of security.

“How long will you be in LA?”

”Three more days, why?”

“Code Wormhole.”

“Shit.”

With a backstory like Tony's a whole rat's nest full of mental issues wasn't surprising. It was extremely worrying, though. Especially, since it's what tends to drive him right back to alcohol and who knows what else. (Pepper knew, but that was nothing she ever wanted to witness the man she loved in ever again.)

Since Tony wasn't keen on getting help or having anybody know about what he deemed weaknesses, and therefore be able to look out for him, Pepper, Rhodey and Happy had created their coding system. And Code Wormhole could only mean that the bottle of whiskey was dangerously close to being opened and chugged as if it were water.

“I can't get through to him and Rhodes won't be back until late tonight, so...”

“Even if I hop on a plane right now, I won't be much faster.”

“What then?”

There was only one thing they could do. “Emergency Protocol 27-8.”

“Of course! Why didn't I think of that! Consider it done”, he assured her.

“Keep me updated, alright? Not that 27-8 ever failed, but just in case, then I'll come home on the next flight.”

“Sure thing.”

“HIII MR STARK!”

The high-pitched squeal startled Tony so much, he almost dropped the – still closed – bottle of whiskey he was holding. There was no time for him to properly deal with it, almost immediately Tony was all but tackle-hugged.

“Hey Pete”, he greeted the brown curls tickling his chin. “Did I miss lab day or something?”

“No, no, no”, Peter was quick to assure him and, without letting go, looked up at Tony. “Just wanted to come by and say hi. So, hi!”

“That's sweet, but today's not really a good day...”

As much as Tony loved having the kid around, right now just wasn't a time Tony should or even wanted to be around anybody, especially somebody who looked up to him. The bottle of whiskey he was still holding seemed to burn against the palm of his hand as if it wanted to remind Tony of exactly that – him being too much of a broken disaster to be able to look out for that boy.

“You're right, today is horrible”, Peter agreed, untangled himself from Tony and trotted up and down in front of him.

This was going to happen, whether Tony wanted it to or not, so he might as well hear the kid out. And, the sooner Peter was through his... whatever, the sooner Tony'd be left alone and could indulge his misery. “What's up, then?”

“Right, so in three weeks is homecoming”, Peter explained.

“And I assume you'll be going with Michelle.”

“I want to, but... The promposal just needs to be perfect!”, he blurted out as he finally stopped his infuriating pacing.

“But she is your girlfriend, isn't she? Doesn't that already kinda seal the whole thing?” Seriously, for this he had to interrupt his self-blame-train?

“Mr Stark.” The kid looked up with furrowed brows. “You cannot take the person you love for granted.”

Fan-fucking-tastic. The sixteen-year-old tried to school Tony on how to treat loved ones? This day just kept getting worse and worse. “Pete, please, I'm really not in the mood.”

“Sorry, I just thought...” And here come the kicked-puppy-look. Shit, Tony really couldn't do anything right, could he?

“I know”, Tony sighed, “and it's great that you want to do that for your lady. What were you thinking of doing?” Damnit, Tony just let himself get roped in whenever that kid shot him these damn puppy eyes and as much as he'd like to deny it, that boundless spraying creativity was unfortunately contagious.

“MJ isn't that big on those great romantic gestures, so it's gotta be something small, but like still mind-blowingly amazing.”

“That is so sweet of you, but I don't think I'm the one you should ask about that. Ask Pepper, why, she'll tell you how I'm probably the worst partner out there.”

“If that were true, she wouldn't be with you, would she?”

It was probably best not to tell the kid about when Pepper dumped him for that exact reason, and Tony wouldn't be surprised, if she did again. Maybe Tony could make the kid understand another way that he was the wrong person to be bothered about that. “Well then, what exactly about 'I need to do something small' screamed Tony Stark to you?” If there was one thing Tony was good at it was going big. Big drama, big disaster, big explosions – yeah, Tony's your man. But something understated that expressed how much Peter loved that girlfriend of his?

“Because you're the smartest person I know?” The way Peter scrunched his face together would be almost hilariously ridiculous, were it not for the underlying message: Peter didn't get how much of a mess Tony was.

“Let me just stop you right there, kiddo. thanks for the compliment, but...”

“Mr Stark, it wasn't a compliment, it is a true fact, judging from IQ points. So don't deny it, because it's true. If you don't want to help me, fine. We could watch a movie or something”, he suggested with a shrug. Well fuck. Tony really wasn't gonna get through this one.

“Fine. But nothing animated”, he made clear as Peter already jumped up on the couch.

“Not even Frozen?”

“Especially not Frozen.” After putting the never-opened bottle of whiskey away and made his way over to the couch, Tony shot the kid the raised eyebrow. “I do not want to be singing Let It Go in my head for the next week.”

“Fine. Although I think 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman' is a much more of an earworm”, Peter shrugged. “What about Finding Nemo? I know it's animated but it's not a musical...”

“Does it really matter what I say?”

“Not really, no”, Peter grinned up. “FRI, what time is it?”

“SHOWTIME!”, she declared and the TV screen flared up. Tony still couldn't believe that Peter actually got FRI to think that this was the official announcement for the start of any movie or show. It was quite funny though, Tony definitely was not going to change it. Mostly, because Peter would find a way to reprogram her, no matter what.

Peter didn't look at the screen though; these huge puppy eyes were directed right at Tony, who knew exactly what Peter was asking.

“Fine”, he grumbled and put his arm around Peter's shoulder, letting the teen snuggle it up.

“Yay”, Peter squealed and happily turned his attention to the screen.

Granted, Tony did enjoy it. Maybe a little bit more than he even admitted to himself. And yes, anything with Ellen Degeneres was awesome and tended to be funny, too. So, maybe it was alright for Tony to postpone his self-hating escapades until the kid had gone home again.

.

“Hey, Tones?” Rhodey whispered as he put his head into the living room, where that movie about the trash-robot was playing. Well, animated movie, probably meant that Peter was still here.

“Be quiet, he's sleeping”, the kid hissed back.

“Sorry.” He tiptoed over to the couch, where Tony had his arm around Peter, his chin resting on his chest, snoring moderately in comparison to what Rhodey was used to. “Thanks for looking out for him.”

“Always. Can you do me a favour though?”

“Sure thing, kid.”

“Can you please call or message May and tell her I'll sleep over here? Can't reach my phone”, he shrugged, gesturing with his feet towards his phone on the coffee table.

“FRI?”

“I'm on it”, she agreed and Peter flushed slightly red. “Yeah, could have thought of that...”

“Don't sweat it”, Rhodey chuckled. “So, you got it all under control.”

“Yeah”, he nodded, “I got it.”

“Great. Sleep well, then, if you get a chance to do so”, Rhodey chuckled and waved one more last time.

And, when Happy checked in on the two a little later, he was met with an adorable sight: Peter still tightly enveloped in Tony's arms and now too, fast asleep.

Yeah, Emergency Protocol 27-8 never fails.

[valkyriesryde]

Hella Feelings {6/?}

Chapter 6: I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) ~ The Proclaimers

Pairings: Bucky x OC; Sam x OC

A/N: Chapter six with @stuckonjbbarnes​ bless up my lads

Warnings: language, awkward encounters, a little bit of flirting, alcohol consumption, karaoke (that is a warning in itself), angst, fluff

Word Count: 4266 

Previous Chapter ~ Masterlist

~~~~~~~~

“You! You’re in charge of getting the first round.” MJ points at Peter, when Holly and Sam finally turn up.

She gestures to the girls and they all walk over to the stage, ready to kick off karaoke as usual. The DJ throws on Truth Hurts- Lizzo and Holly, Nessa, and MJ do a Charlie’s Angels power pose. The music starts and MJ starts front and center. The girls are basically yelling the lyrics instead of singing them, the boys are forgotten about as this is their time to shine. As the song fades out, the girls jump off the stage and rush the table, collecting the waiting drinks.

“Would you check my ears?...are they bleeding?It feels like they’re bleeding.” Sam asks, jokingly.

MJ looks at his ear, jokingly before laughing, "Nope just gathering dust in there.”

“ME NEXT!” Peter calls out, running over to the DJ. The girls don’t even have to guess what he’s chosen, as he smiles widely and takes the stage.

“Is...is this?” Sam looks mildly irritated.

“...the Cotton Eye Joe?” Bucky finishes Sam’s question.

“Yasss BABY! Kill it” MJ catcalls. Holly and Nessa whoop and holler along with her.

MJ runs to the front of the stage because the girls have made up a dance for it. Meanwhile Vanessa and Holly try to teach the dance to Sam and Bucky before the song is over. Bucky takes a shot of whatever is closest yelling,"Fuck it" and joins MJ and Nessa by the stage. Sam pouts, refusing to give in and Holly is pretty sure that he just doesn't want to dance with her.

As soon as Peter finishes, MJ is dragging him off stage and into a dark corner of the bar. Nessa quickly pulls Bucky up and he happily follows. Neither are really sure what song the DJ is gonna give them, as neither had picked one.

Nessa’s voice comes out softer than she anticipated as the nerves hit her because holy fuck I’m singing about needing air around the boy that feels like a breath of fresh air. It takes Bucky a second to realise what song is playing but he hears the slow beat and his heart quickens.  

“..if I should die before I wake...it’s cause you took my breath away. Losing you is like living in a world with no air.”

Bucky tries to keep his cool but her voice is so pure and she’s so shy and he just wants her to feel confident like she normally is and so he takes her hand in his and he takes over.

“I’m here alone, didn’t wanna leave. My heart won’t move, it’s incomplete...Is there a way, I could make you understand?” Vanessa can’t help but stare into his eyes, as it feels like he’s singing directly to her...hehehe wtf.

From the audience, Holly and MJ share a look of look at our baby growing up. The whole bar seems to disappear, as Bucky and Vanessa get lost in one another.

“Got me out here in the water SO deep.” She sings, smiling slightly when he takes her free hand.

“Tell me how you’re gonna live without me.” He asks, placing her hand on his chest.

“If you ain’t here I just can’t breathe…”

“There’s no air...no air.” They finish together and finally the rest of the bar comes back into their little world.

Sam is up next and he’s shoving Bucky off the stage and giving the DJ his choice of song. His eyes land on Holly laughing with MJ and Peter, not paying attention to him at all as he starts singing.

“If I could write you a song to make you fall in love.. I would already have you up under my arm… I used up all of my tricks, I hope you like this…” He’s several drinks in and tries to feel the music in his body as the sound beats out of the speakers behind him. He’s never felt so lost when it came to a girl, he wants all of her attention every day so much so he feels like a kid begging for his parents.

She’s still not looking at him, taking a drink from Nessa but then her eyes lock with his and Sam grins from ear to ear as he spins with the beat and points his finger towards her, “you think you’re cooler than me.”

Holly accepts his line as a challenge and races to the stage just before the music ends, speaking with the DJ and smugly, brushing past Sam, drink in hand.

The beat starts and Nessa screams from the audience “YASS QUEEN!”

Holly laughs before catching Sam’s eye. “You’re insecure..don’t know what for? You’re turning heads when you walk through the door.”

She’s smirking at Sam who throws back his head with a laugh but his face is hot and he’s trying to hide it from everyone around him. Holly continues to emphasize certain phrases in the song, intending to see how embarrassed she could make Sam.

“Right now I’m looking at you and I can’t believe you don’t know...you don’t know you’re beautiful...that’s what makes you beautiful.” Sam has his hands on his head because this girl is going to kill him, Steve and Bucky come barreling into his shoulders and suddenly he’s back on stage with no time to catch a hold of Holly.

“Everybody…Rock your body...Everybody...Rock your body right…” Steve sings.

“Backstreet’s back alright!” The other three join in.

“Oh my god we’re back again..” Bucky sings, taking over a main part.

MJ, Ness, and Holly crowd the stage, as if the guys were truly the Backstreet Boys. The girls are laughing so hard that tears are streaming down their faces as the boys attempt to choreograph dance moves on the spot.

“BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT!” The boys yell and the bar goes nuts clapping.

Then MJ takes the stage doing a very colorful rendition of Dirty Little Secret that leaves the entire friend group and Peter scarred for life. Soon after, Bucky climbs the stage and the friends all watch as he consults with the DJ who gives him this look as Bucky takes center stage. The music starts and Vanessa can’t breathe...what the fuck. Bucky takes the mic and sits on the edge of the stage, catching Nessa’s eyes as she’s still at the front of the stage.

“If I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go. I can take you places you ain’t never been before. Baby take a chance I got money in my hands that I'd really like to blow.” Nessa is crying from laughter again but also because he hasn’t taken his eyes off her.

“...so say hello to falsetto in 3,2, swaggie...I’d like to be, everything you want. Hey girl let me talk to you.” Everyone loses it because mans really went for the falsetto. In that moment, Vanessa knows she could never do better than him and they aren’t even dating.

“Girlfriend, girlfriend..you could be my girlfriend.” As the song comes to a close, Bucky hops off the front of the stage, sets the mic behind him and walks with Nessa over to their friends. He gets chosen to go the bar for refills, shortly after.

Sam’s feet are tapping as he brings the mic up to his lips and looks at Holly next to him.

“I got chills, they’re multiplying.” She shoves him away and dances to the music. Sam is done for, he’s officially fallen for Holly in that moment when she sends him a wink and her hand leaves his chest. “And I’m losing control... Cause the power you’re supplying. It’s ELECTRIFYING!”

Sam drops to his knees his hand held out for Holly to take which she gladly does and walks around him. “You better shape. Cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you.”

He stands again, his hand still holding hers as he spins her again and they dance together. “You’re the one that I want,” their bodies get close and Holly thinks he might kiss her “the one indeed,” so she’s walking back from him and her hands leaves his because surely not. He wouldn’t really want to kiss her.

Vanessa watches Bucky stop at the bar. She also sees a girl dressed in the kind of outfit that her mother would definitely not let her out in approach him. He was supposed to be getting the table more drinks. But she’s hugging on him and he’s smiling and laughing at something she’s saying. Ness can’t tear her eyes away as much as she wants to. He comes back with the drinks and she quickly chugs hers.

After a beat, while Sam & Holly are still singing, Bucky turns to her.

“Hey...Steve’s having this party for his birthday. You should go.” She kind of nods and he continues. “Be sure to bring Holly.”

At that, Nessa pushes away from the table and walks away from him because ouch… First that girl at the bar and now Holly. I thought we had a whole moment with No Air...guess not. Steve approaches Nessa at the bar, a few drinks in.

“Hello Ness. Did Bucky tell you about my party?”

“Yeah and I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. But I’m sure the girl further down the bar, making googly eyes at James would love to, Stevie.” She fumes, ordering one of whatever Steve’s been drinking.

“What’d Bucky do?” He groans, ready to give his best friend a piece of his mind.

“Nothing..don’t worry about it. I’m gonna go change my song, not really feeling so peppy.” Nessa sighs and Steve takes her hand, walking up with her.

“I’M GONNA CHANGE MINE TOO VANESSA...us gals, gotta stick together.”

“You’re a whole man Steve.” Vanessa oophs as Steve lets go of her hand and throws his arm over her shoulder.

They head over to the DJ and he agrees to change the song. Vanessa makes her way onto the stage, smiling tightly as she passes Holly and Sam. The music starts and everyone at the table kind of stops and stares...because this is like a really slow song? But Vanessa continues singing and holds up her beer bottle.

“...Drink beer with the guys and chase after girls. I’d kick it with who I wanted and I’d never get confronted for it, cause they’d stick up for me.”  Bucky could swear the entire bar’s mood dropped. Why was she singing like a man had killed her cat?

“But you’re just a boy...you don’t understand. How it feels to love a girl...someday you’ll wish you were a better man.” Vanessa breaks down before she can finish the song and Holly runs up to her, guiding her off the stage.

“You changed your song... what happened?” She pulls Vanessa away from the crowd while she begins to rant and tells her about how she's feeling about Bucky. As they’re talking, Steve watches from across the room.

Vanessa shakes Holly off, not wanting to ruin what was supposed to be a fun night out. So Holly goes to look for her not her mans, knowing it’s best to leave Vanessa be for the time being.

Holly finds Bucky at the booth and slaps his arm as soon as she’s close enough.

"What the fuck did you do?!" She scolds him.

"I don't know! Did I do something?" He gapes looking around the room for Vanessa but he can’t find her anywhere.

"That's the problem you idiot, obviously!" She gives him a stern look and tells him to make it up to Nessa before Sam is calling her over and shoving a shot in her hand. Leaving Bucky in the dust and confused.

Meanwhile, Steve has Nessa sit onstage beside him, having her hold his beer so that he can focus on the task at hand.

“You look so amazing in that sundress...Wonder what you look like when you’re undressed. I can see the future in your eyes...You know I would never tell you lies. I just wanna see you smile...so stick around a while, baby.” Everyone in the bar loses their shit because this is hilarious and Vanessa is like oh shit, especially when he winks at her.

“Cause your boyfriend’s a bitch...he ain’t shit…” Nessa throws her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Bucky is staring hard at Steve and glancing at Nessa, sitting beside him, thigh to thigh.

“If I was your man I would answer everytime that you called. I would listen close to every single word when you talked…” Vanessa finally takes in the crowd and makes eye contact with Bucky, who looked both annoyed and hurt. She realizes she may have overreacted a little.

Sam and Holly are at the bar with a row of empty shot glasses and a full one in their hand as they toast to karaoke and throw the liquid back.

“Tequila time!” Holly pours the salt on her arm and holds it out to Sam who licks it slowly, he takes the shot and bites into the lime.

He’s so drunk he’s not thinking but the only logical thing his brain can think to do is fall against Holly and kiss her so he does. It’s drunk and sloppy and there’s a bit of teeth but fuck she tastes so good, like candy but how is that possible with all the fucking alcohol? The two pull away they’re both speechless for a moment just looking at each other catching their breath.

“GROUP KARAOKE TIME!” Peter cries, slapping Sam on the shoulder and ruining their moment.

MJ and Peter wrangle the group up, to close out karaoke for the night. Bucky tries to be near Vanessa and she’s like ‘boy bye’ and wraps her arm around Steve’s waist. She decides in that moment that he’s her new drunk bff.

Peter, MJ, and Sam don’t really have any idea about the tension that is currently radiating off of Bucky and Nessa. Pulling Bucky, who did not want to be there, in-between them, they immediately start slurring and yelling

“WHEN I WAKE UP, WELL I KNOW IM GONNA BE...I’M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO  WAKES UP NEXT TO YOU.” Steve throws his arm over Vanessa’s shoulder and in her drunken and stubborn state she plasters a smile and starts singing along with the rest of the group.

“WHEN I GO OUT, YEA I KNOW I’M GONNA BE...I’M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO GOES ALONG WITH YOU!” Holly smiles up at Sam and he gives her a wink as he belts.

“IF I GET DRUNK, WELL I KNOW I’M GONNA BE...I’M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO GETS DRUNK NEXT TO YOU!” He points at Holly for emphasis.

The group stumbles over the next lyric terribly but pulls it together to shout “ WELL I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE...JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They go to say goodbyes and Peter and MJ get a cab. The boys mumble a “bye Steve” and Vanessa gapes at them.

“Excuse you? He can’t be left on his own..I’m literally holding drunky up.” She groans and Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Oh sure..he can sleep on our couch.” Sam offers, taking Steve’s arm over his shoulder and shifting most of his weight off Vanessa.

Bucky just stares at Nessa cause he’s so confused as to why she’s giving him the cold shoulder and a little mad that she’s being so clingy to Steve.

“Yo gym rat...you gonna help Sammy out or what?” Holly asks Bucky and he finally springs into action, to help.

In that moment, Sam melts on the inside. They all walk back to the apartment together and Vanessa is uncharacteristically quiet, while Holly attempts to talk to everyone. When the boys finally exit the elevator, Vanessa pulls Holly into a bear hugs and completely breaks down, as the doors shut. Holly just holds her and they have a lil cry on the couch as soon as they stumble through the door. All Vanessa can hear between her own sobbing is "I'm gonna fucking kill him."

Vanessa won’t let go of Holly. She is her rock at the moment. Holly helps her up and sits her on the bed, running around frantically. Vanessa is blank inside and out. Holly BEAUTIFUL Holly, draws a bath and brings out two bottles of wine, yelling “GET IN THE TUB IT’S A SELFCARE MORNING!”

“Enough of that… drink your wine.” Holly shushes Vanessa as new tears form.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next morning the guys are hung over as fuck and spread out over the three couches in the apartment groaning...all 3 of them. Steve wakes confused and disheveled as he tries to figure out where exactly he is.

“Why am I on your couch...hold that thought,” he sprints to the bathroom to puke.

“I hate everything, my head is pounding...DID YOU DRINK THE LAST GATORADE SAM?? I HATE YOU.” Bucky yells from the kitchen, having shuffled in looking for some sort of aid to help his head.

“STOP YElling, you ass.” Sam is curled up in a chair, holding a pillow over his head. Those poor boys.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Later in the day, after a nap and a mountain of food, Holly texts Sam and demands he come over immediately. So clad in bum pants and a hoodie, the hood pulled up, he's leaning against the door still hungover as fuck when she swings it open and drags him in without a word. They're almost chest to chest when she slams the door shut and they both wince at the sound.

"You called?" Sam's a little lost because he's pretty sure they kissed last night but that could have been his imagination? Although they’re very close and neither are making any move to step away from one another.

Holly can't even think about Sam right now because she needs to get to the bottom of the mess that is Bucky and fix Vanessa’s heart, loyal to her best friend to the bitter end.

"What was Bucky doing with some hoe at the bar last night?"

"That's not a nice thing to call Nessie" he smirks at her but she smacks his chest in retaliation.

"Sam I'm serious apparently he was flirting with some bitch. I thought he liked her like what the hell?!" She throws her hands up and Sam wants to put his hands on her hips and pull her closer because she's so close but not quite enough.

"Bucky has already decided how he's gonna propose to Vanessa. He's too nice for his own good though,” Sam shrugs, “the amount of times we've had strangers join our nights out because he can't say no is fucking nuts."

Holly stops in her spot, she was about a second away from pacing before Sam grabs her wrists and holds her still so she can think.

"Huh good to know. Won't kill him now."

"Yea don't he's an idiot but he's the only reason my apartment gets vacuumed." He lets go of her wrists and shoves his hands in his pocket.

"Okay, that was all thanks" and she gives him a smile and turns to go tell Vanessa but Sam grabs her arm and pulls her back and he's finally holding her hips.

"Was that the only reason you wanted to see me? I'm hurt" he feigns hurt, his grip tightening on her hips briefly. Holly giggles at him, she has to stop doing that around him it’s getting out of hand.

They both start to lean in, kisses on the brain, a pillow manages to hit both of them.

“Not in front of the child...please.” Vanessa groans, “Me...I am the child. No love in this apartment. I need a drink!”

Holly steps away from Sam but not really like it's only a couple inches and his hand is still on her back and she claps her hands together, "Good news everyone! You're a clown, he's a clown, everybody's a clown. This is the fucking circus!"

Sam looks at Holly like she’s grown a second head, until Vanessa points at the sign on the fridge that reads ‘Two Clowns Live Here’. Then Sam makes a move to say something but Holly clamps her hand over his mouth.

"You're going to Steve's party on Friday and you’re gonna show Bucky you're a boss ass bitch!" She orders and Vanessa nods a little, in agreement.

"UH HELL yea I am!" She responds before shutting herself back into her room.

“Is she okay?” Sam looks at Holly concerned but Holly brushes him off.

“...that girl has not been okay a day in her life. Is she very drunk? Yes. Does she remember what happened with Bucky last night? I highly doubt it.”

"Alright then. Do you want to get food?" Holly stops in her tracks as Sam rubs his hand over the back of his neck and his eyes cast down. Her mind is overdrive while she tries to sputter out a response and figure out what any of this means! Is he asking me out...we did kiss last night I think…

“Uh..yeah. Let’s do that.”

Vanessa stumbles back into her room and then straightens after shutting the door, pretending to be as drunk as Holly assumes. She’s like sad and mad...smad: Mad at herself for being sad but sad because she’s really falling for the guy. She’s staring at her phone, which keeps buzzing showing 30 unread texts:Bucky B but she doesn’t want to look because he’s probably asking about Holly. Vanessa guesses she’s just not meant to be happy in life, until a different screen pops up and shit... He’s calling...press the damn red button. But she manages to fuck it up and hit answer in her buzzed state.

“Nessa hey…” She hears his voice but she can’t bring herself to say anything.

“Vanessa?” He asks again and she just stares at the phone, her whole body is tense. After a minute or so, Nessa hears Bucky sigh and sees the call end.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bucky  throws his phone on the couch and leans his head back, shouting "FUCK!"

Steve, having made it out of the bathroom safely on the third try, is watching Bucky frantically texting and then ending the call. He pats his friends leg as he passes muttering, "You dumb."

"Steve I swear to fucking god I'll throw you out of my house you drunk ass." Steve scoots away a little because he feels like too much shit to deal with that.

"I had her, I was so close. I was going to ask her out and everything would be perfect. Then she got kind of weird yesterday and now she hates me."

“My dude...you dumb...dumb.” Steve repeats and Bucky pauses.

“Stop..wait why?” Steve then tries his best to relay what Vanessa told him, but botches it cause he was real turnt.

“She saw you flirting with ...Holly? And then you told her to...invite a quote “hoe” to my party. She’s..big sad.” For a minute Bucky just stares at Steve but  ever so slowly, he starts to sort it out.

“I told her to bring Holly to the party...for Sam.”

“Didja say for Sam?”

“Not specifically.” He groans.

“You DUMB.”

Bucky scrambles for his phone and calls Vanessa again. She doesn’t pick up this time and he waits for the voicemail message to end, his leg is bouncing and he's going over what he wants to say until he hears the beep.

"Vanessa I need you to listen okay. I'm so sorry about last night I didn't mean it when I said invite Holly that I was just inviting you to invite her or whatever, I don't know okay?! Look I really like you, I wanted you to come to the party, so I could see you. I figured Sam would be too chicken to invite Holly himself so if you brought her ya know...problem solved I guess. Dammit I'm such an idiot..." in the background Steve yells out, face half covered by his arm

"BIG DUMB"

"...just please. Would you go away!” his thought process interrupted by Steve. “I really do want you to be there God I want to see.. maybe I should just go to you. No. Fuck. Okay just please call or text or just talk to me. Okay bye. Its Bucky by the way."

Vanessa just stares at the missed call notification and tosses her phone further away when the voicemail pops up.

“Not today Satan.” Nope. Nope. Nope.

She decides to clean her closet out, hoping to find a fancy dress for Steve’s birthday party along the way. Finding herself in the back of the closet, a mountain of clothes behind her she spots the dress.

“AHA!” She mutters, pulling out a pink Audrey Hepburn inspired 40s-50s gown. Having completely forgotten about her Hepburn phase. Then her phone goes off and she’s absolutely tempted to turn it off until she sees it’s a text from...Steve?

Steve: Hey Vanessa do you want to get some coffee?

And she’s like yanno what? Steve is cute and available and supported me at Karaoke…so FUCK IT.

Vanessa: Yeah, I’ll meet you in 10.

~~~~~~~~

TAGLIST (OPEN): @cant-decide-at-this-moment​ @rinthehufflepuff​ @buckysmischief​ @sebbbystaaan​ @supraveng​ @hopingforbarnes​ @dumbubblegum​

[fmdkamiarchive]

Our Song - Crazy Diamond Performance

this was her first performance and it could be her last.

that meant she had to go out with a bang. it was funny how her demo changed. there was a mood she had wanted to achieve and the more she worked on, the more it changed. and honestly? everything about it was her. the her she wanted people too see and the hear she loved. it held the confidence she had, it held the message she wanted and it was very much a performance piece.

this was it, crazy diamond.

if she was honest, kami knew that it was possible she would be one of the competitors that would be dead last. not because she didn't believe in herself, she knew the song was good. it just wasn't public friendly, that coupled with little fandom or public power. it'd be something like luck.

( not that she didn't believe in her own talent but she was one to look at the facts and plan from there. )

but this was would have to be her statement performance. ( and hopefully her first. ) so while she waited for her turn, she thought about her soon to be stage. her outfit hadn't required much and she knew just how she wanted her makeup. even the stage itself didn't cost a lot of money. aside from fancy lighting and a picture of two pairs of eyes ( striking eyes she might add, hers. ) the only thing she really needed was her mic.

and then she found herself backstage, going along with the final checks. making her mic was in check and all of that good stuff while her mind was already on stage, and a moment later she was standing on it. the lights off and it was silent, all she could hear was the murmur's of the crowd, seeing as the place was completely dark for a moment.

and right as the music started, there were small flashes of colors until she started to rap.

I can’t control the inside of my head You can’t even fathom, 3.14 pi You can’t give it a price I’m like a blue sapphire of this scene I’m sick & higher Every night, higher, high five With Syd Barrett Shine on my crazy diamond

I’m always wet Wanna stop me? Where you at? I can’t find you anywhere I’ll compare it to an illusion My nickname is Chaos So the real deal didn’t even come out yet The real deal is my ability, infinity It’ll pull you in, gravity

and she came out strong, her voice already strong starting off. ( but was there any other way to do it? ) even if she could hear the backing vocals, her voice over-powered it and that was just what kami wanted. 

right now, she was a rapper. as she said, this was only the start of seeing her abilities. she wanted people to know what she could do.

( Stop, thinking Digging into my hidden instinct ) After a long time of wandering I’m going to my goal, let’s moving Running over and over again Then, over and over her gain I don’t care about obstacles or what anyone says I’ll climb over it but you can’t, normally

and there were the moments she didn't speak, she let the back track over. when the male voice ( provided by a friend. ) she raised a hand, letting the mic play in her hands as she took her first steps forward, as if she was almost rushing the stage. her voice just a little bit higher.

always live.

( No. Nobody can’t control me. Cuz, i can’t even control myself ) ( and as she let this play, kami made a point to play up her movements, rolling her eyes and making the crazy motion. ) Some may run away from here without much But like a star, I’ll rise from anywhere

People who call me crazy from my standard are all crazy I’m a suspect of those who are trying to catch me cuz I’m different from others Did you know? Everyone’s crazy but they don’t know it My voice is crazy from the heavens and my world is crazy from the top

she came to a stand-still, her eyes focused on the crowd as she paused for repeat would serve as her hook-ish. this one was directly, directed to her high school bullies that tried their hardest to drag her own. and then it was repeated with even more passion as she freely roamed the stage.

it was hers to fill up after.

then the part from her demo came along, she switched up the order bit but the lyrics were the same. the meaning was the same. like columbus, she discovered herself. when they cornered her, why did she have to play nice about it? what was the point of holding it.

and now they were really on notice. she wouldn't take anything laying down. there was more moving forward ( even though she had been making pretty good use of the stage. ) and her eyes never left the crowd, it was intense. and she kami didn’t let up, not for a second. 

even when she only had a few seconds between each line to capture her breath.

Even if I’m trapped inside and can’t breathe Or trapped inside eyes of bias, I don’t care Those things can’t hold me down Everyone has their own crazy world I can’t handle this anymore, I’ve floated to the top so I can breathe

I feel so much better now that I let this all out So don’t expect me to pretend to be normal now Stop getting dragged around, not being able to tell whether you’re nice or stupid I'm ugly, I don't have confidence, I cannot endure this. I won’t do it. ( and this came out as a growl, she was truly done. )

other than that, it was all about the little moments. the small things she could add into her performance. the hand on her chest, the one that went to her neck. all the hand movements that came with rapping a song like this. yeah, it did feel better to get this out.

she was more than an idol rapper.

she was more than what people thought she could be.

and she had so much more to achieve.

the next thing had been rather in the moment, standing at the edge of stage. it was something she thought about it, but why not do it? it was just her after. just as if she was at her concert, she crouched down, letting up on her rap. and then she sat, easily, her legs dangling off the stage as she got to the very last lines in her song.

People who call me crazy from my standard are all crazy I’m a suspect of those who are trying to catch me cuz I’m different from others Did you know? Everyone’s crazy but they don’t know it My voice is crazy from the heavens and my world is crazy from the top

seeing as this was as close to the audience as she could get. ( and given the chance, kami would've been in the audience. ) but the passion didn't stop, instead it increased and it felt great to have more direct eye-contact with the people watching.

the lines repeated again and if you didn't think she was live before, it could truly be heard. it was the last few minutes after and she really drive the point home. at the very last lines, her head was mostly bowed until she said the very last and her head snapped up, a very please smirk resting on her face.

this little change also helped with the end of her stage, as the music lingered, kami pulled herself up and slowly walked back to the center of the stage, her arms raised in sort of god pose.

( that was her name after all )

she turned slowly, raising the mic as the instrumental reached the end.

"you are my crazy diamonds."

and then it was black again.

as she walked back stage again, kami rolled her head, letting the tension out of her body.

she loved being on stage.

[exobyharu]

PCY - Ch5

Chapter 5 - All about you

(Part 1)(Part 2)(Part 3)(Part 4)...(Part 6)

Summary: PCY does not expect to see you again. Ever. Except in less than twelve hours, he’s about to, once again. This time, he admits that he deserves a punch in the face.

⏰ 9:09 AM 🌏 Hotel (S), City of (L) 🌞 It’s sunny but everyone’s too out of it to actually care 👥 YN, Park Chanyeol, Kim Junmyeon, Byun Baekhyun, EXO’s manager (mentioned)

Notes: After a decade, I am finally back! My biggest apologies for taking forever. I tried to make this one a bit longer than usual. Expect more regular updates! I’m sorry that PCY swears a bit here too.

Words: ~2,300

💙💙💙

Twenty-one missed calls and twelve text messages on his personal phone, all from Junmyeon: they were ominous tells that Chanyeol ought to postpone his scheduled return to the studio. Just when he finally saw the wisdom in what at first seemed like punishment by isolation, his plans of returning with news of a productive break were dashed the moment he woke up to his work phone vibrating to another message, this time, from EXO’s manager.

“Who is the girl?”

The question needed no further elucidation.

Just leave her alone, Chanyeol thought, and then he groaned, pressing his face against his pillow because he was never going to see you again, anyway. What’s all the fuss about?

It was nine in the morning, and four hours of sleep seemed inadequate, considering that he had spent at least an hour packing that evening, and the rest of the night, taking advantage of the unexpected surge of inspiration that had finally come after weeks of uninspired efforts.

He was certain that this song finally had all the missing elements that the writers at SM always complained about. He, himself, was amazed by how smoothly he had managed to put something together at three in the morning, too. Still, this was the song they had always wanted from him and he was five hundred percent sure about it.

It turned out that he just needed to quit being frustratedly self-absorbed and instead, see everything in the eyes of someone else. When he did, the landscape shifted and ideas flowed in. You were the one who made this possible for him. You made him realise that it was probably more sensible to derive inspiration from what was out there, rather than generating egocentric works that other people hardly related to.

A tremendously simple concept. How had he not even considered this?

There was something about how you were able to read into his skilfully-concealed ego problems and this made him even more self-aware. It was one thing to hear it from his friends, and for that, he had been careful ever since. He was confident with the control he had on his narcissistic tendencies. But hearing it from you, who had just met him, made you an unforgettably helpful clairvoyant.

“I think that’s how you can reach out to more audiences,” you told him last night, gingerly munching on a biscotti and possibly, launching an underhanded attack on his ego. “Stop writing about yourself. Write about what’s out there.”

“Like what?” he asked you, burning with so much eagerness that you probably felt the intensity of his stare. Stop writing about yourself. That was a headshot.

“Hmm… Well, let’s see…” you trailed off, swiping through his phone, and scanning the lengthy compilation of his serially rejected compositions. You may as well be a speed reader, seeing how you had managed to reach the end of it so quickly. That was another detail that he forgot to ask you about last night. He will never know then.

“I’m sure this will sound great when I listen to it later, but like I said, it seems that this whole thing is about having a good time,” you explained, stealing a quick glance at the way he kept his fidgety fingers tightly interlocked on the table. Chanyeol caught that and made sure to keep the signs of his bubbling anxiety in check.

Just listen, he had to remind himself. What are you being so nervous about?

“Look, I’m no writer, but if you really want to write a love song, the feelings that I want to get need to be more dynamic than what all of this gives me.”

Operational word: dynamic. Again, the point was that he lacked experience and hearing about it was getting old. He leaned in closer for emphasis – also to make sure that he did not raise his voice in frustration. “You want me to write about things I don’t know?”

You shrugged, showing him the same easygoing attitude as if the idea was naturally forthcoming at the very least. “You can always write about wanting to know instead. You know, how you would rather, or think it would be? After all, people tend to yearn for things they don’t have. It’s one that we all have in common, in my opinion. It’s a universal feeling that’s relatable.”

Longing, huh?

Was it a simple insight? It seemed more like your current state of mind that slipped through. He needed you to voice out more fragments from your internal monologue to confirm his suspicion, but you did not give him that. You scrunched up your nose instead. “Not everyone dreams of a fancy car and a supermodel for a girlfriend, Chanyeol.”

Your comment made him uncross his legs. “Yah! Quit judging my life already, will you?“ At the same time, his knee hit the underside of the table. You were both startled as everything on it shook. Tall people problems. He could not seem to switch off his klutzy side when it mattered most. It made you giggle to see some of his coffee splash onto the screen of his phone. “And I’m not attracted to female supermodels!”

Growing unfazed by his usually exaggerated responses, you raised a speculative brow. “Let me guess… But female supermodels are attracted to you?”

Chanyeol flashed a lopsided grin on purpose. “I do have a mostly-female fanbase, so I can’t say for sure that–”

“Again! My main point, sir,” you interrupted, with a playful roll of your eyes. “If you wanna add to your influence, write about other things.” He almost thought that you were really going to poke his nose with your finger. He guessed that it was just your snarky side showing itself. “Be proactive and do some research by listening to other people too. I’m sure you’ll find more feelings to write about.”

Hence, that night marked the beginning of a more dynamic Park Chanyeol, who would create art and music that may deviate from the typical industrial material he felt that he had pretty much exhausted already. Creation was his passion and he had you to thank for making him realise how he had boxed himself up too much because he was afraid to express his own vulnerability, which, ought to be the point in the first place.

This was why EXO’s main rapper wrote a fucking ballad. And it was a ballad that he could not even sing. But he wrote it and it did not matter to him who sang it. He would rather have someone else do it justice. All that mattered to him was that the song made it through. He wanted to reach out to people, and strangely, it mattered to him that you heard it too. He wanted you to hear your words played on the radio someday, knowing well that you were part of the creative process. You, that girl whose shitty day he tried to turn around, and whose underlying melancholic disposition he wished to uplift but cannot.

Will you ever find what you were looking for? Will your family ever understand you? Were you really unemployed? Or was it something you chose to say so he would stop asking questions already?

He will never find out because he will never see you again. That said, SM just spent wasteful money on hiring somebody to tail him while he was away. What was all the fretting about? Junmyeon was probably going supernova over nothing of substance and their manager had to be getting drunk on his trust issues again. Both of his phones were ringing simultaneously now, and he was about three rings away from answering one and tossing the other across the room.

Junmyeon or Baekhyun? Choose your own adventure, he thought, rolling to his side and sighing as he wearily brought both of his phones close to his face. Probably for the first and only time ever, he chose Baekhyun.

“PARK CHANYEOL!”

Eyes wide and mouth in a frenzied snarl – there had to be no other look on Junmyeon who was now yelling at the other end of the line. Chanyeol was not even surprised to know that it was him using Baekhyun’s phone. It was Junmyeon or Junmyeon. There was no choice in the first place. He half expected the possibility, and just like that, his day was shot. He rose from his bed and pulled out the curtains to see the rest of the city going about its business.

A kajillion other people with stories to write about, he remembered you say. Your voice resonated from somewhere in his head, effectively drowning out the endless buzzing of the phone he held at least a foot away from his ear. When Junmyeon had calmed down, Chanyeol finally started listening in.

“… and since you would not answer their calls, everyone’s expecting me to offer an explanation. They won’t stop pestering me and I would be in a much better mood if I did not have more urgent things to do. Listen, I don’t care wha–”

“I was asleep, okay?” he interrupted, dragging his voice and feeling the weight of exasperation on his tongue. “You can send all those calls to me now. Thank you for taking shit for me.”

“Yah! Don’t hang up!”

“Then how am I supposed to talk to them?!” Chanyeol barked. It was his first instinct, knowing well that the last time he got yelled at like this was when he was falsely accused of spreading their unreleased material online. Surely, how he chose to spend last night was not as much of a mortal sin as a breach of their contract. Because just now, Junmyeon sounded like it was much worse than that.

“Forget it. We’ve dealt with the reporters.”

Reporters? The rapper’s pulse ran cold as he instantly froze where he stood.

“We just need to get you out of there with your security detail. The staff is arranging–”

“Yah! Hold up!” Chanyeol heard the nervous rasp in his voice as panic slowly claimed the frustration that initially controlled him. “What do you mean? Why are there reporters involved?”

“Of course there are reporters involved!” Junmyeon howled. “When you go out on a date looking as you are, Mister Park Chanyeol, with a girl who received ten dozens of roses from you, OF COURSE people will take pictures and talk!”

Chanyeol’s fist flew out, punching the air in front of him. “The he- …How do you guys even know this?!”

“You mean how does social media know about this? It’s all over the internet, Chanyeol. Check your phone! Check GTN27! Wake the fuck up!”

“I am awake! And I am checking my phone now!” he went, nervously fumbling for the other phone that had finally stopped ringing. His fingers trembled, not even able to key in his password properly. It sent his mind reeling, not sure about how much he wanted to find out. Did they discover who you were? Were fans stalking you already? And the media? Were you even safe? The mere fact that they knew he sent you flowers meant that they knew your room number.

“Look, I’m sure it’s not what you think. YN would not–”

“We know,” Junmyeon’s tone was abruptly much kinder and Chanyeol knew that this was because there was finally someone else with him, wherever he was. There were people, in fact. He must have stepped out of a room or something. The rapper was relieved that all the yelling was finally over, at least for now. “Listen, YN YLN? We know she’s not responsible, okay?”

“You–” he choked out, eyes wide and tilting back as the realisation finally hit him. “She’s with you?!”

The immediate response that he got was the voice of Baekhyun, distinct in the background. He was asking for his phone. A second later, Chanyeol heard a whine that was cut off by the sound of a door slamming shut. There was complete silence once again.

“Yeah. We found her before those undercover reporters at the hotel lobby did. You can thank the staff later,” Junmyeon said, his stern voice echoing through what seemed like their empty dance studio.

“Is she okay?!” Chanyeol exclaimed, his eyebrow twitching as he attempted to hold back his emotions – whatever it was that he was feeling. Anger? Worry? Extreme impatience? “Let me talk to her!”

“She’s with the staff.” Junmyeon was dismissive and it was clear that the guy was not going to let him talk to you. “People on the internet dubbed her Biscotti Girl and she hated it. That’s why she gave us her real name. She would not say anything more after that.”

Biscotti Girl? More than the ridiculous nickname, Chanyeol found himself closing his eyes and smiling in relief because it seemed that your identity was not revealed. It was all that he could ask for at the moment. The rest, he could deal with much later. This was all his fault any way.

“Don’t worry about her. I made sure she’s comfortable. Right now, we’re working on getting you here as soon as possible.”

Right. It was difficult to see sometimes, but Junmyeon was on his side. He had always been.  “Now, I’ll quit it with all this leader bullshit. As your brother, is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Other than dumb excuses? Chanyeol did not think so.

“I’ll explain everything to you when I get there, hyung,”

His voice was even, but his mind was racing decathlons for possible explanations that provided you the easiest way out of this predicament. If the entire company had his back no matter what mess he got himself into, he wanted to make sure that you at least had him. It had come to this, after all. He can only imagine how much trouble he’d caused you. So much for writing a song to make you feel better. The song was not even enough to save him this time.

Chanyeol pressed his forehead against the window and groaned.

You. Fucking. Genius.

💙💙💙 - to be continued - 

[ijenblue]

The Jojo’s with a reader who likes to hula/ belly dance/ strip!

(I hope you don’t mind me adding Hula into the mix! I have Polynesian blood in my veins so I found it hard not to include it! Plus it gave me an excuse to include the He Mele no Lilo scene lol)

Jotaro Kujo

You and Jotaro had been on an academic trip together to  Hawaiʻi when you first found out about your knack for hula. You spent most of the trip studying the hunting relationship between the locals and the dolphins that gather near the coast. Since you two were lovers shooting for the same degree, you had decided to help each other with developing a final thesis. But all that school stuff was getting to your head so you begged Jotaro for a day off. He couldn’t resist those eyes...

The two of you decided to go to dinner that night so you ate as close to the sea as you could. Lucky you two, tonight was hula night at this particular restaurant! A line of beautiful ladies got on stage and taught the audience simple steps from a short routine and then invited four members of the audience up. You had quickly jumped out of your seat at the opportunity so you ended up being one of the contestants. They placed a purple Lei over your head and then quickly explained the competition. You just needed the loudest cheers!

The skirt and top choice you had gone with came in clutch once the music started and you were able to sway your hips in time with the beat. Your hand movements had been light and ephemeral as you repeated the steps they had taught you. Around two minutes in, the judge went and placed a hand over each of the dancers, listening for who got the loudest cheers. 

The other three girls were pretty good at it and each of them received plenty of cheers. You had been kinda nervous about your cheers since Jotaro wasn’t exactly the ‘cheering’ type but you really wanted to win! So you poured your heart into moving your body in a flow like water. Every snap of your hips had the ground beneath you quaking from the exerted power. You were pretty determined, and so was he. Well...at least Star Platinum was.

Once the judge came to you, the loudest pair of clapping hands had begun making noise. You looked over at Jotaro to see him looking away, embarrassed by his stands actions. Star Platinum lets out a loud series of whistles with the rest of the crowd as you make quick steps that compliment the lines of your body. Once it became clear that you were the winner, you waved to the crowd and made your way to the blushing Jotaro, who you promptly thanked for cheering you on with a passionate kiss!

“Yare yare, you’re such a pain. When do I get my private show huh?”

Josuke Higashkata

It had only come up once or twice in conversation, but you had been pretty acquainted with belly dancing from the time you had spent in Egypt. Josuke finds it fascinating that you even went to Egypt to begin with so he pushes for you to give him a demonstration, but alas you force him to wait till his birthday. And he waits patiently for the day.

Now that Josuke had gone on to become a police officer, he often forgets dates and overworks himself much to your displeasure. You had been counting down till his birthday, but now you were sure he had forgotten with all the cases being handed to him recently. You decided to call him out for his birthday and went digging through your garage for your old black-silk outfit with a surprise in mind. 

His birthday was a success so far all that was left was your performance. You sat him down in the living room and prepared enough room for you to perform. Once you started moving to the music, placing your legs on display and rolling your stomach with the tone, Josuke’s jaw dropped. He knew he was in for a treat, but this was nothing like he had imagined.

Your movements were entirely sexual, there was no doubt about it. Paired off with the dainty silk that wrapped around your bust and draped down your waist exposing most of your smooth legs, it was irresistible. Josuke couldn’t help but drool at the sight and shift so that the problem between his legs was less uncomfortable.

Soon you step closer to him, waving your body left and right in a trance with each step. You encourage him to touch you with a wink so he brings up shaky hands around your midsection just to feel the burning of your skin. Once he gets a feel of you and the slowed movements of your body, he pulls you down into his lap unable to resist any further. His hands travel up to your chest and give your breasts a nice squeeze before whispering sweetly in your ear:

“You kept this from me for so long (y/n)-chan... I think I might have to punish you~”

Giorno Giovanna

If there was one thing Giorno Giovanna believed in, it was if you couldn’t handle a bad bitch then don’t marry one. Many of his clients that met him at the club he groomed asked the same question: “Who’s that girl? The one in Gold? Where did you find a beauty like her?” And every time he told them that she was his wife, they all gave him confused looks.

 “Wouldn’t you wanna keep a beauty like her all to yourself?” They’ll ask, and Giorno can’t help but chuckle at their ignorance. “It’s what my Queen wishes. She likes having all eyes on her.” And it was true. There was no separating you from your true love of dancing on the pole. It was easy for you to convince Giorno to let you perform at one of his clubs, and now your movements are praised like no other. Like a goddess of dance.

You had locked eyes with Giorno from across the room and quickly decided to put a pep in your already flawless steps. You loved having all eyes on you, but you craved having Giorno look at you. Watch me you wanted to say, but you quickly noticed his client sitting across from him and shot him a smirk. He must be asking the same question as always.

You commanded the pole like no other. Your body wrapped around the cool metal almost like a snake, and every twist and turn of your legs was more sensual than the last. Your curves were decorated with a specially short dress that seemed to drip gold down my body. The music filled me like no other and complimented the sensual look in my eyes meant for nobody but the Don who stole glances as he closed a deal.

Finally, my routine finished and I was able to leave the stage and run into my husband's arms. He places a deep, possessive kiss on my lips and wraps an arm around my waist to pull me into his lap. “That was an amazing show amore mio” He’d whisper into your ear, leaving a light kiss on the curve of your neck. You respond by lightly grinding into his crotch and forcing a groan from his lips. You wanted him then and now. His eyes were too much for you.

“We can continue this at home. shall we?” He says, quickly getting you up.

Jolyne Kujo

You weren’t new to Green Dolphin Street, but Jolyne certainly was by the way she challenged Gwess on her first night! You see everything transpire and you were thankful that Jolyne had finally gotten rid of the girl that liked to be overly possessive of you for no reason. Gwess somehow got it into her mind that you were only hers so she threatened you every time you danced for the other girls that wanted to learn your art.

Now that she was gone, you had started bringing color back to the cell block with your dances that seemed to put everyone in a good mood. All the girls would ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ at the way your movements flowed into each other. Soon Jolyne became one of the girls in the crowd.

Jolyne didn’t think it was weird or anything for her to enjoy watching your body. She loved how you weren’t a stick like she was. There was something she could hold onto if she wanted to run her hands down your hips. Your tummy had some chubb to it and she thought that was what made you stood out from the other girls who liked to dance with you. Jolyne only realized she had fallen in love with you when she started masturbating to the thought of your tongue all over her.

Finally, she decided to approach you. Sure you were the first human being to ever cause Jolyne to sweat because she was so nervous but she didn’t mind. She wanted to make you hers by the end of the night. Jolyne decided to play the dumb girl act and asked you if you could teach her some moves. She smiled when you agreed and showed her some simple ways to control the movements of your hips without moving your feet too much. You were like water when you went through the steps but Jolyne found herself making a lot of mistakes that brought out your vibrant laughter. Then you finally laid your hands on her and she felt your warmth crawl up her body.

Truth be told, you wanted Jolyne just as much as she wanted you. But since she was taking too long, you decided to make some moves too. You placed your hands on her hips under the guise that you were just showing her how to move, but soon you pulled her closer to your body and chuckled at her surprised gasp. You give her and experimental kiss on her shoulder and when she doesn’t struggle or move, you promptly decide that you wanted her now

“How about we dance somewhere more private?”

Johnny Joestar

The man could have anyone he wanted, you knew that very well because you were one of the girls pining after him. You knew you weren’t the only one who noticed how Johnny Joestar’s eyes lingered on your chest and ass. Or how he seemed to spend more time with you over any of his other groupies. But he wasn’t taking the steps to make you his, maybe he needed a little push.

So one day you sit Johnny down in his home alone with no explanation. You didn’t even have so much of a plan. All you could do was show him how he made you feel every day. All those times you stole glances at each other, or even went a little farther than kissing with ghosting touches, they all lead up to right now.

Johnny is surprised to see you take charge of the situation. You are the one to declare that you wanted to go home with him tonight and you were the one to push him down into the lone chair. He watched as you shed some layers and got down into nothing but your overly fancy bra and a pair of really short shorts that already had Johnny salivating all day. He could tell you wanted to get down to business just as quickly as he wanted to.

You were tantalizing slow with your movements making sure to drag them out as long as you could. You didn’t want to indulge him just yet. You let him watch as your hands ran down your body in the same way you always envisioned he would. The music you had put on complimented you very well by spilling words you wouldn’t dare utter about your lust for him. He definitely got the message.

Soon you indulged him by taking a seat on him and grinding down into his lap. He brought his hands to hold your hips while you used them to arouse the desire in his eyes. Soon your sultry movements became too much for him as he gripped you now and guided you closer and closer to him. You let out a gasp as his fingers began to work themselves under your shorts to the prize below. He growls once he realizes you came here with no underwear.

“You naughty girl, don’t you know not to tempt dangerous men like me. I’ll ruin you beautifully.”

Gappy Higashikata

When Tsuguri-chan came back from Hawai’i on a family trip with his father, he seemed to bring an intense interest of Hula dancing with him. Lucky him, Josuke just happened to know the exact person to take him to. His girlfriend had been into the traditional dance since she was his age so maybe she could help the little boy get into the hobby. And would you look at that, he fit right into the lessons with the other kids!

You were a long time student of a Hula dance school so it was easy for you to get Tsuguri into the classes for younger kids. Every Tuesday and Friday Josuke would drop off Tsuguri-chan at his lessons and sprint three studios over to watch his girlfriend practice. He had fallen in love with your gentle movements and the smile that graced your face whenever you were in the middle of a routine. He’d never admit it, but he wanted you to dance for only him deep down in his heart. That’s why he always chases away the schoolboys who try to come and watch you practice after school

He had heard from you that the studio was planning a joint recital for the older and younger students so you got to spend a lot of time with Tsuguri-chan lately. It made him a little jealous of the little boy since he purposefully wanted to be your partner. All the talk of how cute Tsuguri looked in the grass skirts and green lei started to make his aloof mind think that the little boy was challenging him.

So when the day came, he made sure to attend the recital with Jobin and his wife so he could keep an eye on the little boy who had the mind of a pervert already. The performance started with your class so he was immediately enchanted by you and forgetting all about his little rival. Your hand movements were fluid and the way you angeled your feet as you struck small ever-moving poses. But what really captured him was your hips decorated with the grass skirt that was always moving.

Soon the younger kids twirled across the stage and stood in front of their partner. His heart warmed unexpectedly as he watched Tsuguri mirror your dance with a smile on his face. You closed the dance with a spin, clap of your hands, and an echoed “He inoa no, kalani kalakaua, kulele” just as you practiced. After everyone started cheering, Tsuguri gave you a hug and then dragged you to the rest of the family. Josuke enveloped you in a hug as soon as he saw you and gave you pecks across your face while telling you how beautiful you looked and how amazing the performance was.

“You were so beautiful! I wanna keep you all to myself, is that selfish of me?”

[artificialqueens]

Beneath the Amber Moon, Part 10 (Galactica AU Group Fic) – TheDane & Veronica

Heyyy!! Welcome to Part 10 of “Beneath the Amber Moon,” a group fic set in the Galactica Universe. Click here for previous chapters.

We hope you’re enjoying it! Let us know what you think!

Summary: Find out what happens after Violet ran off from lunch! ...And join the fam for a nightclub shit show.

/////

Violet made it onto the deck, walking to the railing and grasping it, her mind a mantra of don’t throw up, don’t throw up, don’t throw up...

“Are you okay, darling?”

Violet looked up to see Sutan. “I’m sorry.” She choked up, the words getting caught in her throat, tears pressing and threatening to drop.

“Why are you sorry?” Sutan looked so concerned, his voice so soft as he took a step, and then another towards her, the familiar scent of the cigarettes Sutan still refused to give up for once not repulsing her, but calming her instead.

The tears fell, and Violet couldn’t stop them. “I can’t do this.”

“Of course you can.” Sutan touched Violet’s shoulders, his palms pressing down, grounding her. “What’s going on darling? I know eating with my friends isn’t always your favorite activity but-”

“It’s not that- I can’t” Violet wiped her tears, her mascara without a doubt smudging everywhere. “It’s not.. I’m sorry, I just… I don’t feel good…”

“Mata Indah.” Sutan touched her chin, gently lifting her head. “Listen to me.”

Violet nodded.

“You promised me you weren’t dying, is that still true?”

“I’m not dying.” Violet said the words with more conviction than she felt. They were true, the fact that was pregnant not able to kill her, at least not yet.

“Good.” Sutan released her chin, his hand gently touching her neck instead.. “Then, I promise you that you’ll be okay.” Sutan smiled. “Now breathe.”

Violet nodded, her breathing slowly getting under control.

/

“What’s wrong with Violet?” Julia asked, after she rushed away from the table, Sutan close behind her.

“Oh, she’s okay! She’s just been feeling a little sick,” Courtney said, trying to lighten the mood, although concern for Violet was pretty high on her list of anxieties at the moment. “Are you okay, Gracie?” she asked, looking across the table at the bewildered 3-year-old.

Grace nodded, but her lower lip trembled.

“Do you wanna come sit over here?” Courtney asked, opening her arm.

After another nod, she smiled and pulled Grace’s chair close to her.

“There we go! Now it’s a party.”

“Party!” Owen enthused.

“That’s my boy,” Adore laughed, and then suddenly her face went pale. “Oh shit…”

“Ooooh, you said the S word!”

Courtney turned in the direction Adore was looking to see Jinkx strolling in, taking a glass of fresh-squeezed guava juice from a tray.

“Adios, muchachos,” Adore whispered, and then ducked under the table, scampering to the other exit before her girlfriend would have the chance to spot her.

Courtney opened her mouth to protest, but by then she was gone. She groaned softly.

“They’re dropping like flies,” Julia commented.

“Tell me about it,” said Courtney, realizing that she was now the only adult looking after the kids, and that Jinkx was walking towards them with a tray and a big smile.

“Hi, guys!”

“Hey Jinkx.”

“I figured you’d be with Adore.”

“Oh, uh…”

“I hope she’s okay.”

“She’s okay!” Owen said. “She just ran out that way!”

“Did she.” Jinkx’ voice was flat.

“Well,” Courtney tried to backpedal. “I don’t know if ‘ran’ is the right-”

“Yeah, she ran! Super fast!” Owen added cheerfully.

Jinkx let out a huge sigh, and Courtney felt her stomach drop. All of this drama, and she’d still yet to see Bianca. She was exhausted.

“I get why she’d be avoiding Alaska right now, but...why is she avoiding me?” Jinkx asked.

“Uhh…” Courtney faltered, unsure how to answer. She wasn’t even sure that she fully understood what Adore was feeling, and she certainly didn’t want to betray her trust. She figured she better keep her mouth shut.

“Look, I know you’re her friend, but I need to tell you...I’m on her side, here. I was a little annoyed at her for avoiding us, but now...I get how she feels, and I’m only trying to make Alaska understand.”

Courtney nodded, wishing she was anywhere but this table, getting deeper and deeper into her friend’s relationship drama. Especially when Fame walked in, immediately shooting her a look that sent shivers down her spine.

/////

“Do you want this in an 8 or a 10?”

“A 10?! Who do you think I am?”

“Someone who hasn’t dropped their baby weight, yes.”

“I’m a size 6, so fuck you.”

“If Raja told you that, you need to take her to court for lying.”

Raven whirled around, hands on her hips, and Karl backed up, laughing.

“Don’t shoot the messenger!”

“Tell me what’s going on!”

“Uh...we’re shopping?” Karl smiled sweetly, pulling another dress off the rack.

“What’s going on with you and Raja? What are you plotting?”

“Well…” Karl bit his lip, shifting nervously. “I really didn’t want to be the one to tell you, but…”

“Yes?”

“...Raja and I are…”

“Spill it!”

“...We’re in love and we’re planning to run off and elope and move to Morocco together. I’m sorry!” Karl hid his face in his hands, fake-crying.

Raven glared at him, a huff of annoyance leaving her.

“Fuck you.”

“I’m sorry, Raven, please don’t hate me!” Karl clutched his chest, reaching out an arm dramatically as Raven pulled the dressing room curtain shut, then dissolving into giggles and wiping his eyes.

/////

Courtney leaned on the railing of the boat, sighing. Between Violet’s pregnancy panic and Adore’s relationship drama, it seemed like she hadn’t had a moment to herself all day to process the situation with Bianca. The memory of Bianca’s body against hers was still so fresh, she could almost taste her, and yet, she’d never felt farther away.

She turned her face to the sky, watching the storm clouds rolling in once again, rain trickling down, the brief and sunny respite apparently over. Her skin felt tight and itchy, and suddenly Courtney couldn’t take it anymore. Without thinking about it, she pulled off her cover-up and dove off the side of the boat. Once safely submerged in the cold, clear water, she let out a primal scream.

When she surfaced again, one of the stewards was already running towards her with a life preserver. Damn. Say what you will about Fame, but the woman sure knew how to staff a yacht.

“I’m fine!” Courtney called him to him weakly, treading water. She took ahold of the life preserver and followed his directions to the ladder, climbing up onto the lower deck a bit sheepishly, dripping wet.

Luckily, it appeared that no one else had seen her dramatic little display. Or so she thought, until she saw Raja strolling on the deck with squirming Isolde in her arms, laughing.

"I'd give it a 6 out of 10 for the jump, but it would have been much more impressive with an audience,” she said, and off Courtney’s embarrassed grimace, added, “Rough day?”

Courtney sighed, accepting the towel from the steward and nodding.

“I guess you could say that.”

"So the great Courtney Act is having trouble in Paradise, huh?" Raja smiled. "If you promise not to cry on her, you can have some baby cuddles. She's not as fat as Grace was, but she does give good hugs."

Courtney happily took Isolde into her arms and began cooing at her.

“She’s really beautiful.”

“I know,” Raja said. “And thank god for that. Her life will be much easier.”

“Maybe…”

“Come on. You have to admit, it's a good thing to be in this world. Opens a lot of doors, and hearts...and checkbooks."

“Right…” Courtney said, taking in their luxurious surroundings, a little ashamed at how ungrateful she’d been. “It really could be a lot worse, couldn’t it?”

Raja leaned in, placing a firm hand on Courtney’s shoulder as she said, “You bet your ass it could.”

/////

The atmosphere was perfect, the music was excellent, the cocktails mixed exactly right and everyone had made at least a decent effort in getting dressed, Fame sending a strong worded email to everyone about proper dress code when she had planned the trip after Juju had dared to show up in jeans to a cocktail party.

The club was what Fame had looked forward to the most. It had been Patrick’s suggestion, her husband knowing her so very well. Fame liked going out, but as she had gotten older, she had started to detest having strangers around more and more, unless she and Patrick where hunting for someone to share their bed, or playing a game of finding a lover for their lover, and even then, she preferred it in a setting where she was in control of everything. She had reserved the club’s entire balcony area, the dance floor just steps away if anyone desired it, but as her friends all arrived, Fame was just looking forward to celebrating with her nearest and dearest. (And Courtney, but nothing was ever perfect.)

Fame had used her annoyance to make sure she overshadowed everyone, her white Valentino dress with a sharp collar making her look fearless and fierce, her eye makeup done with shades of green, her golden jewelry all carefully picked out so she looked spectacular.

Patrick slipped an arm around her waist, handing her a glass of champagne.

“Happy birthday, darling.”

“Thank you,” Fame said, kissing him gently, pointedly ignoring Bianca’s puppy eyes from the sofa, adding decisively, “It’s gonna be a great night.”

“Who are you trying to convince?”

Unprepared to answer, Fame just took a gulp of champagne and leaned a head on his shoulder.

/////

Raven perched on one of the velvet sofas, eyes scanning the group for someone to share a bit of gossip. She spotted Juju, snuggled under Detox’s arm, giggling girlishly, and rolled her eyes, her annoyance at Raja changing to a brief stab of loneliness, which Raven wasn’t going to stand for at all.

“Juju! Bitch I know you can hear me! Over here!”

Juju gave Detox a tender kiss on the cheek, the man laughing before Juju walked over to Raven on the sofa.

“Hey Rave.”

“What’s with you two?” Raven asked, sipping her champagne.

“Oh, you know...sometimes I remember that we kinda like each other.” Juju smiled, tucking a bit of her hair behind her ear. “We were just fighting and then we were all wet.. One thing kinda led to the other and.. You know.” Juju smirked, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Gross.” Raven snorted. “I don’t want to think of De’s dick.”

“So don’t,” Juju said, tonguing her straw with a sassy wink. “Though I will, and with pleasure I might add.” At Raven’s disgusted face, Juju laughed and added, “So what’s up?”

“I’m just so glad to have grown-up time,” Raven sighed, clearly sarcastic as she picked up her drink, taking a sip. “It’s great to have a break!” Raven smiled.

“You have two nannies,” Juju reminded her, and Raven stuck out her tongue.

She then turned her attention to the group, scanning everyone with a critical eye, mouth pursed in judgment.

“Uh oh…” Juju braced herself for the onslaught of gossip she knew would be coming next.

“Does Violet look strange to you?” Raven asked, lowering her voice. Violet was wearing a simple green dress in a structured satin, her hair styled in soft curls around her head. She was drinking something clear, her fingers wrapped around a tall glass as she was standing at Sutan’s side, Sutan vibarently discussing something with Karl.

“More strange that usual?”

“Yes! She’s acting like a cat, all skittish and scared. I mean, I know she’s been sick but it seems more...I don’t know, she feels distant?”

“She’s been nice to me.” Juju leaned back on the couch. “Maybe she just doesn’t like you anymore.”

“You bitch!” Raven gasped, unable to hide her delight. Raven snuggled in, lowering her voice as she whispered to Juju. “Raja told me that Courtney had a total breakdown earlier. Like, lost her shit and jumped off the boat.”

“No! Really?!”

“Yes, really. What do you think that was all about?”

“Hmmm...well, I don’t know, but Bianca is in a mood too. It’s probably related.”

“Ugh, I certainly hope not. You’d think they’d have both learned their lesson by now. No reason to retread that tired relationship.”

“True,” Juju said, stirring her drink. “And where’s your lovely wife?”

“She’s probably off with Karl again,” Raven scoffed. Off Juju’s confused expression, she explained, “They’re up to something, and Raja won’t tell me what.” Raven huffed. “If she thinks that I’m putting out while she’s being a shady bitch, then she’s got another think coming.”

“Well, alright then,” Juju said.

“You wanna know the real timebomb tonight?” Raven gestured to Alaska, double fisting her cocktails, guzzling them down at an alarming rate while Jinkx looked on tiredly. “Just wait. That shit’s gonna blow.”

“Oh wow. She better not knock Jinkxy off the wagon.”

“It might be entertaining,” Raven cackled.

“No dude. You weren’t there. Brazil is not ready for that horror show.”

“I mean, all that was before my time, so...I wouldn’t be mad about it.”

“You’re so evil,” Juju laughed, shaking her head.

“And what about our darling birthday girl? What could be bothering her on this festive night?”

Fame sipped a champagne slowly, expression a bit blank, almost glum.

“Well...I don’t know. Everything’s been great; she should be thrilled.”

“I know!”

“Maybe too much perfection is tiresome?” Juju offered.

“Fame! Come here, my love!”

/

“I made some calls.” Karl nudged Raja with his shoulder, cutting off the woman who had been talking to Patrick. Raja turned, looking at Karl, an eyebrow raised.

“Seriously? You’ve ‘made calls’ already?”

“You said to bring you an offer. I’m bringing it.” Karl smiled, clearly beyond pleased with himself. “Estee Lauder is looking for a more elegant face for their latest skinline.”

“You want me to go commercial, Westerberg?” Raja smirked. “You think I’m interested in that?”

“Lauder today, my dear Raja.” Karl said. “Dior tomorrow.”

/

Armed with some Dutch courage from the Mojito in her hand, Courtney tentatively made her way towards Bianca. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to her all day, and ever since that encounter with Fame at breakfast, the unsettled feeling about their whole situation was getting worse and worse.

“Karl! You fucking dickhole!” Bianca shrieked, punching him on the thigh. Karl looked down at her, surprised.

“What’s your problem, cunt?”

“You fucking spilled on me, cunt.” Bianca gestured to a tiny drop of white wine on her blouse.

“Okay...sorry? I’ll pay for your dry cleaning. Take it down a notch.” Karl rolled his eyes and resumed his conversation with Raja.

Bianca huffed, crossing her arms and glowering, and Courtney hesitated, hanging back. She was very obviously in a wretched mood, and trying to talk to her now could be disastrous. Quickly losing her nerve, Courtney turned back to the dance floor, bounding over to Adore.

She threw her arms around her friend from behind, squeezing her tightly.

“Let’s get fucked up,” she murmured into Adore’s ear, and was answered by a delighted squeal.

/////

Tonight was turning into a real shit show, Bianca realized with a slight groan. Fame was still ignoring her, and it seemed that so was Courtney - or at least, avoiding any contact. And Bianca wasn’t the only miserable one, from the look of Jinkx’ face as she tried to prevent Alaska from falling over, or from Raven’s pout, or Violet’s even-more-blank-than-usual daze. This party was going downhill fast, and someone needed to do something.

A round of shots seemed like a good idea. She supposed that it wouldn’t help Jinkx, but Fame would appreciate it, at least. Except when she went to hand one to Fame, the blonde turned away, spine ramrod straight and shoulders tense, refusing to even look her in the eye.

Bianca sighed, knocking back another shot of her own, anything to dull the nagging insecurity bubbling up. She turned to Violet.

“Here, take this,” she said. It was more of a command than an offer.

“No thanks.” Violet looked down at the shot like it was poison, her lips twisted. “I’d rather not.”

“Come on, it won’t hurt you...” Bianca wheedled, attempting to put the glass into her hands, flashing her a smile. “I’m trying to be nice here.”

“Thank you, but no thanks.”

“Ugh, come on!” Bianca was growing frustrated. Why didn’t anyone understand when she was being charming and generous? Even as she spoke, she cringed a bit, knowing that she was starting to sound like an after-school special but unable to stop herself. “You know, it would help you loosen the fuck up...and maybe you wouldn’t be so fucking boring.”

“You’re drunk, Bianca.” Violet was clutching her glass, clearly beyond uncomfortable with the entire situation.

Bianca looked Violet up and down, eyes landing on her glass, and realised that it was water.

“Why won’t you just drink it?! What are you, pregnant?”

Violet dropped her glass, her entire body freezing in place, her face going completely pale.

“Oh, you are?” Bianca snorted. Of course she was, the shit cherry on top of the shit sundae that was this entire shitty night. “Nevermind, I guess. Sorry.” Bianca shrugged, walking towards Detox and handing the shot to him instead.

Violet was standing completely alone, the shards of the glass between her feet, when Raven jumped on her.

“Violet! Are you really pregnant?!” Raven shrieked, jumping up and down. “Oh my god!”

“I-”

“Our babies are going to be best friends!”

“Ugh!” came an indignant noise from the corner, Alaska whining, “Why does she get a baby?”

“Shh!”

Bianca shook her head and turned back to the action, just in time to see Violet pushing Raven away, the woman running down the steps. If Bianca she wasn’t so wrapped up in drowning her own sorrows, she probably would have felt bad, Violet clearly not wanting to share her news with the class.

“I hope it’s true!” Raven clapped her hands. “This is so exciting!”

“Is she okay?” Juju asked, frowning. “Should we go after her?”

“Oh, I’m sure she’s fine. Probably just needs to puke.” Raven replied. “This explains so much,”

Juju bit her lip. “Maybe someone should check on her?” She scanned the club, seeing Sutan who had just returned from the bathroom. “TanTan!” Juju yelled, waving her arms.

Sutan looked up from the bar, his brow furrowed in confusion, until he found Juju. He grabbed his beer and strolled over to the group, a happy, drunken smile on his face.

“Heyy, what’s up, ladies?” Sutan draped his arms over Juju’s shoulder, pulling her against his side as he took a long swing of his beer.

“Not much,” Bianca said. “Why didn’t you tell us your girl is knocked up?”

Sutan stared at her, the woman acting nothing like the person he sometimes called friend.

“I...what?” Sutan’s mouth hung open.

“Ohh, you didn’t know,” Bianca realized. She shrugged and handed him a shot. “Shit. Well. Congrats, Papa.”

“Bianca!” Fame exclaimed, horrified. “I can’t believe you!”

“What, how was I supposed to know that he didn’t know?! And anyway, he was gonna find out. I mean Raven’s here.”

“Don’t blame me!” Raven threw her hands up. “You’re the big mouth this time, Bibi!”

“Oops,” Bianca snorted, then continued to tease Sutan, oblivious to the shocked, distressed look on his face. “Seems like Violet will have to share her Daddy now, huh?”

“Wow, Bianca, pot/kettle much?” Raven laughed.

“So?” she replied, also laughing. “It’s still true…”

“I...need to…” Sutan’s eyes darted around the club like crazy, his face ashy.

“Violet went that way,” Juju advised, a hand on his shoulder.

Sutan stood for another moment, blinking, slowly turning in the direction Juju pointed. Then, he took off, practically sprinting down the steps and through the crowd.

[allthephils]

Repose

Word count: 3040 Rated: M (adult themes, sexuality, sleeping beauty au)

Read on Ao3

Chapter 7

Of, course Phil was far more prepared this time. Yesterday had been such a shock but now he had some understanding of Dan’s condition, and he had a purpose. He was here to remind Dan what was good about being alive, to wake up the parts of his brain that kept him from slipping away. He sat down on the chair and looked down at this face he had once thought was perfect. It was so still, so peaceful, not a trace of Dan’s insecurity or guilt. For a while, Phil just looked at Dan, thankful that he had no limits on his time today. His hair was so curly. Dan would definitely be mad that they had gone to the trouble of putting him in his totally invalid military uniform but didn’t straighten his hair. Phil ran his eyes over Dan’s features, his long eyelashes, his beautiful nose, his freckled cheek where he’d get a rosy blush when he was shy or excited or drunk. His eyes settled on Dan’s lips and the memories rushed in, knocking the air out of him.

He saw no reason to fight the tears so they tumbled down his cheeks and he sobbed quietly until he was able to catch his breath. Phil wasn’t sure if the tears were for longing or fear or pain, but he felt certain that he had to be fully open here, so Dan could feel it, could feel him.

“Hey Dan. I’m back.” He smiled, he was nervous, despite the captive audience. “Sorry for the outburst. This has been an emotional day. I met your family. They seem great, they love you so much. Your mum gave me a hug! And Adrian, well, he’s scared, so, maybe give him some extra attention when you get back, ok?”

Phil was craning his neck at a tortuous angle so he got up and moved the chair so he was facing Dan instead of lined up alongside him.

“There you are. That’s better. I miss you, Dan. When this is all over, we aren’t losing touch again. We are going to hang out like proper friends. You owe me that much, what with me being your destiny and all.” he laughed out loud. He knew there was a guard behind him at the door but he chose to pretend that he was alone with Dan, deciding he was done worrying about what anyone else thought.

“I did some reading about coma patients, if that’s what this even is. I guess it’s supposed to help if I talk to you. I guess I could tell you some stories. We are gonna be here a while so get comfortable.” Phil chuckled again at his own joke. “Looking at you like this, it’s our stories that come to mind so I guess I’ll go with those. I’d say let’s start at the beginning but I barely remember our first date. It seems somebody corrupted me with alcohol that night.” His hands had been clutched in his lap and he shook them out in an attempt to relax. He reached forward tentatively and placed a hand on the bed near Dan, his pinky just touching Dan’s upper arm.

“So let’s start with the night I fell in love with you. You didn’t know it was the night I fell in love with you because I didn’t even know yet. But it was, and I remember it like it was yesterday.”

  The pizza was delivered just after Dan arrived. Phil made Dan wait in the lounge while he served them slices on real plates, made Ribena in wine glasses, and lit candles in the center of the table. This felt like a real date, just he and Dan, here in Phil’s flat. He was giddy with excitement as he went out to tell Dan to come in. Dan stood, hands in his pockets, looking beautiful and nervous.

“Dan, you’re not even ready.” Phil stopped. Just behind Dan, on the sofa, loomed a rather imposing figure. It was Dennis. “Oh. Hi Dennis.” Dennis gave Phil a rather laddish nod. “I wasn’t aware you were here. I’ll get you a slice.”

“He was parking.” Dan gave Phil an apologetic look. “He’s not really supposed to leave me alone with people unknown to my family. He’ll stay out of the way though. Isn’t that right, Dennis?”  

Dennis had leaned back and pulled out his IPad, he certainly made himself at home.

“Already ate.” He said in Phil’s general direction. Dennis was a man of few words.

Phil led Dan to the table and watched his face light up, his dimples sinking deeply as he grinned. “Phil! This is mental. I thought we’d be sitting on the floor and eating out of the box.”

“Well, I wanted it to feel special. I have a surprise for after too, so save some room.”

They sat at the corner of the table so they were facing each other but also next to each other. Phil’s long legs brushed up against Dan’s and he bit his lip. He was having a hard time knowing where to look. Those dimples had a tendency to render him speechless so he moved his eyes from Dan’s hair to Dan’s eyes to Dan’s hands to Dan’s neck. God damn. Phil exhaled quickly and took a sip of Ribena. His hand was shaking as he set his glass down.

“You ok there, mate?” Dan mocked as he watched Phil struggle.

“I’m a little nervous.”

Dan giggled quietly, “I am too. I’ve been freaking out all day.”

“Really?” Phil was so relieved, though Dan didn’t look nervous, he looked cool. Phil stared down into his pizza. “It would really help me out if you could be like 20% less pretty.”

Dan reached out and put his hand to Phil’s cheek, coaxing him to look up. “I could say the same thing. Your eyes really are too much. You could go swimming in those eyes.”

Phil felt his soul leave his body for a moment. The things this boy says. Dan pulled his hand back and cleared his throat. “I’m really sorry about Dennis. I tried to get him to stay in the car but he wasn’t having it.”

“It’s ok. If that’s how it has to be to have you here, it’s ok with me. Does he know this is a date? This is a date, right?” Phil ate his pizza far more slowly that he ever would alone.

“Yes, you dink, this is a date. And you are never allowed to ask that again. Just assume that if you are with me, it’s a date. Ok?” He bumped his thigh into Phil’s knee. “And officially, no, he doesn’t know this is a date. I’m not technically out to my family or the public, but... Dennis spends a lot of time with me. He just has a very selective memory, for which I am grateful.”

Phil nodded. “So what amazing things did you do this week? I wanna hear about your gap year stuff.”  

“Oh you know, I just go wherever they send me. I did get to go to a women’s shelter yesterday which was so heartbreaking but really cool.” Dan pepped up a bit. “We brought books for the kids and I read to them. I got to hear some of the mothers’ stories. These women are so strong, Phil, what they’ve been through, and their kids. We talked about what sort of things could actually help them, what policies could help empower them and you know, give them some options when they have to leave a violent situation.”

Phil listened in awe. “Dan, that’s incredible. I didn’t know you were doing work like that.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I loved it, but I don’t actually have any influence on policy at all.” His voice was terse. “All these things I do feel like photo opportunities. I’m trying to make the best of it.”  

“Oh.” Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up but Phil loved hearing Dan talk like this, about things that he was passionate about. “I’m sorry, Dan. I can only imagine how that is but god, I make stupid videos all day. I think it’s so cool that you are doing something meaningful with your life. I love that you chose to stay in London for your gap year.”

Dan huffed a breath, “Your videos aren’t stupid. They’re silly, but so what? They make people happy, and they’re yours. You built your life for yourself, on your own hard work and creativity. That’s incredible, Phil.” Dan paused for a moment, he scratched his neck, clearly uncomfortable. “I didn’t want to stay in London, you know.”

“You didn’t?”

Dan shook his head. “I wanted to go to Haiti or somewhere in Africa. After school music lessons are great but I wanted my foundation to help rescue victims of sex trafficking. I know this work is good but I could be doing so much more with all this goddamn privilege. It’s embarrassing.”

“So why aren’t you doing what you want?” Phil felt stupid asking but he really didn’t understand.

“Well, to put it simply, my family doesn’t trust me. I can’t really blame them. I didn’t exactly behave in school. They had to do a lot of damage control and they aren’t really keen on me being out of arm’s reach. Plus, sex trafficking is just a little too indelicate a cause. They know I won’t keep it genteel if I’m working on something I really care about. It’s not about the work or my learning or growth or whatever. It’s about image and keeping me in line.”   

“Wow, I had no idea.” Phil stood and started to clear the dishes.

“Ugh, I’m such a downer. Can we talk about something else?”

“Actually, I’ve got the perfect thing to lift your spirits.” Phil walked to the counter and opened the boxes. He carefully placed each cake on it’s own plate and grabbed two forks. “Cover your eyes.”

“Excuse me? What’s this kinky shit?”  

“Just do it.” Phil laughed, grateful for the change of mood.

“Geez, demanding. I like it.” Dan put his hands over his eyes just in time to miss the blush that washed over Phil.

Phil put the cakes on the table and cleared the pizza box. He sat down. “Ok, open your eyes.”

“What the wha? Phil Lester, you have outdone yourself!” They tinked their forks together and dug in. The cakes were chocolate and cherry in layers, filled with thick whipped cream. They were decadent and sexy, if a cake can be sexy. They ate, moaning at the flavors, giggling together at their reactions. After a few bites, Dan fed Phil a bit of his and Phil returned the favor. They weren’t talking but their eyes were fixed on each other. Dan watched Phil’s mouth as he took a bite, Phil watched Dan’s fingers as he swiped a fallen bit of cream off his plate. They were completely enraptured with each other. It felt so intimate, too hot for the kitchen table on a second date. Phil hadn’t even kissed this boy but the want he felt was threatening to move him toward some very rash decisions. He remembered what Dan had said about not skipping any steps.

 “Dan.”

“Mmmhmm?” Dan had just taken a mouthful and was slowly pulling the fork through his lips. Phil watched and it physically hurt him to say what he said next. “Maybe we better go into the lounge, I think we need supervision... before I cause a national incident.”

Dan laughed and nodded. He helped Phil clear off the table and take the plates to the sink. In the lounge, Dennis took up more than his share of the sofa, but they sat down anyway. The close proximity had them giggling and talking in low voices about how full they were and  whether to watch a film or play MarioKart. Dennis glared at them, apparently not feeling the love.

“Oi, Dennis,” Dan said, “there are some very comfortable chairs in the kitchen you know.”

“I’ve got another lounge too, my gaming room, if you’d be more comfortable there.” Phil added nervously.

Dennis raised an eyebrow. “Kitchen’s fine.” He hoisted himself off the couch.

Phil breathed a sigh of relief. They were alone again, sort of. With their food comas setting in, they both thought a film would be more their speed right now. Phil sent Dan to the shelf to choose a DVD.

“Hmm, good collection, this is gonna be tough. Ooh! Is it ok if it’s not exactly a film?” He grabbed a box and hid it in front of him until the dvd was in. He sat back on the sofa, not at all taking advantage of the space made by Dennis’ departure.

The minute the voice of the narrator came through, Phil knew it was Buffy and he joined in in his best low, spooky voice.

“In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer.”

Dan watched with a smirk, “You’re lucky I think nerds are sexy.”

Phil just smiled, tongue between his teeth. He had no shame when it came to Buffy and it made him feel loose and brave. He slung an arm around Dan who snuggled in and rested his head just below Phil’s shoulder. Phil’s heart beat like a drum but Dan didn’t mention it. He felt the same. They chatted through 3 episodes, Phil pointing out favorite moments and easter eggs. Eventually they weren’t talking about Buffy at all but about what cartoons they watched as kids, their favorite horror movies, and what books they had on their lists to read. Phil had wondered if the easy conversation at the party had been largely due to the social lubrication of very alcoholic punch. Now he knew that wasn’t the case. It just flowed for them and even the silences felt comfortable. Phil felt Dan’s head move up and down with his own breathing and found himself angling his head so Dan’s hair brushed his cheek.  

As the third episode wrapped up, they watched, quiet, out of light topics to joke about. Dan tilted his face toward Phil’s. “I have an early day tomorrow, I should go soon.”

Phil stuck out his bottom lip, leaning back to look Dan in the eye. He looked toward the kitchen, they hadn’t heard a peep from Dennis for hours. Phil let it sink in that Dan was in his arms, practically laying on him, he had kicked off his shoes and his feet were now folded up beside him on the sofa. Phil really didn’t want this to end but if it had to, there was one more thing he wanted to do tonight. He shifted his weight so that Dan would sit up. Dan got the message and angled himself toward Phil, tucking one foot under himself. “Oh, ok, so I guess I’ll text you tomorrow.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I had a really amazing time, Phil.”

Phil looked into those chocolate eyes and dug deep for courage. He bit his lip, then spoke in a whisper, hoping Dennis wouldn’t hear.

“Dan, may I kiss you?”

Dan swallowed and nodded, looking right into Phil’s eyes. He licked his lips and smiled. It was a small, fleeting smile but it revealed a dimple and made Phil feel both soft and incredibly strong. Phil pulled himself up and moved close to Dan, pausing just centimeters from his lips. He looked down at those lovely lips and then back into eyes locked to his own. Phil slipped his hand gently behind Dan’s head and pulled him in. Their mouths pressed softly together for a long, sweet moment. Phil pulled just a fraction away and parted his lips slightly so that Dan’s top lip would fit perfectly in the space he’d made. He ran his tongue along the line of Dan’s mouth and felt Dan open and melt into him. Their tongues were slow and lazy, unwilling to rush this, pushing into each other in this small, intimate way. Dan had one hand on Phil’s thigh and the other gripped Phil’s shirt behind his back. With every passing moment, Dan leaned further into Phil until he was fully reclined against the sofa back and Dan’s weight was on his chest. The tables had turned and Phil let himself be kissed, soft and wet and slow. Dan paused to breath and Phil placed his hand on his chest and gently held him away. Their chests heaved and the look in Dan’s eyes made Phil feel vulnerable and hungry.

“Dan, we should…”

Dan smiled so wide and genuine Phil’s heart skipped a beat. “Yeah, yeah, we should stop. Sorry.”

Phil beamed, his heart swelled and every bone in his body wanted Dan to stay. He closed his eyes, promising himself he wouldn’t forget this moment, not one detail. He knew that this was the kiss he’d tell his grandkids about. It was all silly romance but he didn’t care, he knew it in his gut, this was the man he’d spend his life with. When he opened his eyes, Dan had his shoes on and was reaching for his jacket. They both stood and without being called, Dennis appeared. They all made their way to the door where Dan gave Dennis his best pleading, puppy dog face. Dennis rolled his eyes. “I’ll fetch the car, stay inside the door.”  

They only had a few minutes so Phil closed in, pressing Dan to the wall and kissing him with every bit of passion he was feeling in his body. It was short and hot, everything their first kiss hadn’t been. They pulled apart and Dan reached up to push Phil’s disheveled fringe aside.

“I’ll see you soon, Phil.”

Phil wanted to say that this had been the best night of his life, he wanted to say that Dan was the best person in the world. Instead he said, “Soon.”

They heard a car pull up on the other side of the door. “Good night, Dan.”

[justacouplebandfics]

We’ve got scars on our future hearts (Jalex) - Chapter 5

Description: Alex dealt with self harm when he was younger, that’s over now though- he’s better, until he’s not. Struggling with the idea of self harming as an adult Alex keeps the issue to himself, but living on a tour bus with your band there’s only so long you can keep something a secret.

Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of self harm

It’s also available here on Wattpad, and you can find the masterlist here.

Alex's POV

It's been a few months, and by no means has it been easy- at first I really struggled with coming to Jack when I felt down, and more often than not my emotions would get the better of me and it would end up in a shouting match- the shouting mostly on my part. Jack has been unbelievably understanding, I rage and rage sometimes and he takes it all and talks it through with me when I've calmed down, I just don't understand how someone can be that calm.

It got easier though, and eventually I got used to going to curl up in his bunk with him rather than slipping off for an oddly-timed 'shower'. That's not to say I've stopped that habit completely, sometimes things get the better of me and I don't have the control to go to Jack- instead I'll sneak off to the bathroom, never doing anything as deep as that night Jack found me, and anticipate his sad eyes staring me down as I come out.

He understood though, that I wouldn't be able to just stop, which I appreciate. He also understands that I don't always want to talk about why I feel this way, content to simply run his hands through my hair as I sob into his chest, or stare blankly at the ceiling.

Tonight's one of those nights that things are too much, for no reason at all.

I slide off my bunk, where I'd attempted to take a post-show nap, putting my mood down to exhaustion, and make my way to the front lounge. Jack's there, I could hear his voice from my bunk, along with Zack and a few of the crew guys.

"Hey Alex" Zack pipes up when he sees me in the doorway "Good nap?"

"Couldn't sleep" I tell him as I make my way over to Jack sitting on one of the sofas, melting myself into his side once he lifts up an arm in invitation. I throw my legs over his and all but sit in his lap, he rests his head over mind and presses a small kiss to the top of my head.

The guys figured out me and him had something going on almost immediately, and pretty much nothing changed- I think they all knew before we did that something was bound to happen eventually. That was nice- it was one less thing for me to worry about, it also made me much more comfortable telling them that I was struggling. I didn't tell them everything, nothing specific, they just knew that I had 'bad days', and I wasn't always able to get through them on my own. They were concerned, as any friend would be, but they didn't push it.

"You alright?" Jack mumbled into my hair, just loud enough for me to hear.

I shook my head weakly into his chest.

"You wanna go to my bunk?" He asked, as I played with one of the strings on his hoodie. I nodded, and he started shifting to get up "I'm gonna turn in, catch you guys tomorrow." There's a chorus of nights as me and Jack make our way back to his bunk.

He gets in first, sliding back until his back touches the wall, pulls up the covers and cocks his head as a gesture for me to get in. Not that he needed to, this was so routine for us now we could do it with our eyes closed. I scoot in in front of him, his chest to my back, and let out a trapped breath as he wraps his arms around me.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asks quietly, lightly rubbing his thumb against my sternum, the other arm under my head, reaching backwards to stroke through my hair.

"Not tonight" I sigh out "I don't know what's wrong I just feel-" I pause, lost for words as to how I feel.

"Off?" Jack offers.

"Yeah, off" I press myself further back into him, willing his warmth to take away all the thoughts.

"Anything specific you think might help?"

A tear starts welling up in the corner of my eye as I come to terms with the fact that I have no understanding about why I feel this way tonight "I dunno" I mumble, voice slightly cracking.

"That's okay," Jack presses a kiss to the back of my head "It's okay." He pulls me a bit closer into him the way I love when I feel overwhelmed.

Eventually my mind calms down, and then I calm down, the tension I didn't realise I was carrying in my torso and shoulders ebbing away as I relax into the bed.

"Feeling better?" Jack asks.

"A bit" I offer, turning slightly to face him, flashing him a small lopsided smile "Thanks."

"Always more than happy to lie here with you Alex," he leans forward and kisses my forehead "You know that."

I blush slightly and turn back around, settling down into the pillow "Is it alright if I sleep here tonight? I just-" I start rambling "I still don't feel great, I dunno-"

"Alex," Jack cuts me off, nestling his nose into the hair hanging down the nape of my neck "Of course that's okay."

Jack's POV

Alex is the happiest I've seen him in a while- maybe you wouldn't notice it if you hadn't been watching him closely, since he's so good at covering it, but there's so much more life to him. Sure he bounces around the stage the same way he always has, but when he bounds over to my side and sings into my mic there's a sparkle in his eyes that went missing before; and when he flops down in my lap after an exhausting day he doesn't lean into me like the world will crumble around him if he's not grounded, he radiates his own warmth and energy, back vibrating with laughter against my chest.

He still sleeps in my bunk most nights, but they aren't filled with sobs and blank stares anymore, they're filled with giggles and hushed conversations. Sometimes we don't talk, we just put on some music and let the stresses of the day wash off us- but even in those silent moments I can feel he's okay- there's no tension in his shoulders, no tears in his eyes, no trapped breaths.

"Hey Alex?" It's a Sunday afternoon, there's no show this evening so most people are out in the city- we're hanging out in the front lounge, Alex's head on my lap, his legs sprawled out over the rest of the couch.

"Yeah?" He looks up at me.

"Do you wanna go get dinner with me tonight?" I try to play it casual, toying absentmindedly with a piece of his fringe- I've been thinking about asking him out properly for a while, it's not like anything would change, it would just be putting a label on it. I figured asking him out to dinner would be the gentlemanly way to do it- it's what's done in the movies.

He gives me a funny look "Yeah," he draws out "Anywhere in mind?"

"There's that Italian place Rian took Cass last time we were here, I remember them saying it was pretty nice."

"You mean where he proposed to her?" Alex cocked his eyebrow at me. I blushed as I shot my head up, avoiding his gaze and planting it firmly on the counter opposite us- I'd forgot about that. "You're not gonna propose to me are you Barakat?" he laughed.

"No!" I glanced down at him, his beaming smirk making me look back up anywhere but at him "No, no" I nervously laughed "None of that, don't worry, just-" I shuffled out from underneath him, heading out to get some fresh air "Does 6 work?"

"I've got nowhere else to be." Alex flashed me a smile as I shut the door, letting out a deep breath- why am I so nervous?

6 rolled around quickly, I'm sat in the lounge with some of the guys- I'd changed into a black button up and some nicer jeans, it's not a fancy restaurant but it's nice, and I want this to be nice for Alex. On cue he walks in, outfit similar to mine, except he's gone for a white short sleeved button up.

"Look at you two dressed up" Rian coos "Off anywhere nice?"

"Bella's" Alex says coolly.

"Oooh" Rian shoots him a cheeky look and then turns to me to mirror Alex's joke from earlier "Don't go getting any ideas Jack."

"Alright, very funny" I'm just as flustered as I was earlier, maybe more so now there's an audience- I stand up, grabbing my jacket from where it's thrown over the back of the sofa and take hold of Alex's hand as we step off the bus to start the short walk towards the restaurant. It's a cool evening, not cold- not enough to put my jacket on yet, but there's a chilly wind that promises I'll need it later.

We make small talk and joke around, the conversation coming easily between us; I'm so glad that didn't change when we took this to a level more than friends, I was so worried it might damage or disturb our underlying friendship- if anything it made it stronger.

We get to the restaurant and the host leads us to a table towards the back, tucked away from the loud conversation buzzing in the middle of the room. I pull Alex's chair out for him as we reach the table, blushing a little as I realise how cliché it is, until I catch the blush framing his own cheeks as he looks up to say thank you.

We fall easily back into our conversation, laughing away the hours, it's not until we've almost finished out desserts that I remember the reason for asking him out tonight. I clear my throat awkwardly and catch his eye as he looks up from his cheesecake "Uhm so Alex,"

He gives me the same puzzled look from earlier "Yes, Jack?"

I take in a deep breath to try and calm my nerves "So, I've really enjoyed these last few months with you- I enjoy all my time with you, obviously not just these last few months- but these last few months especially" I start, cringing internally at how awkwardly it's coming out. I wish I'd thought this out beforehand "I know we said we'd take it slow, and we have- and at least to me it seems like you're doing so much better than you were before." I look up and he gives me a nod.

"Definitely," He says somewhat cautiously "You've been a massive help, I'm definitely doing way better."

"Good, yeah." I smile at him and he smiles back "So I was thinking, since you're feeling better, and if you don't think it's going too fast-" I chuckle nervously, thinking about how to word the question.

"Oh my god," Alex says quietly, letting out his own nervous chuckle "You're not actually gonna propose, are you?"

"No!" I say slightly too loud, looking around and trying again a bit quieter "No, I'm trying to ask-" I reach out and hold one of his hands in mine "If you'd be my boyfriend?" I let out another nervous laugh as I wait for his answer.

Alex laughs, squeezing my hand "Yes! Of course Jack" A huge grin splits across his face "Of course."

I puff out the breath I'd been holding, but the nervous rambling doesn't stop "I didn't know how to ask, I didn't know if this was too formal."

"No, this was lovely." Alex assures me with another squeeze of my hand "Really."

We pick right back up where the conversation left up, keeping our hands joined in the centre of the table until the bill comes. I pay, after a little protest from Alex, and we step outside into the chilly evening air- I notice Alex shivering slightly as we walk.

"You cold?" I ask, looking over at him.

"No, I'm alright" He smiles at me, even though I can see he is. I take my jacket off and wrap it around his shoulders anyway, he blushes and mumbles a thanks as he slips his hand into mine.

"Anything for you." I give his hand a squeeze as we walk back towards the bus.

[theseadagiodays]

June 8, 2020

Art in Isolation

Artists listed clockwise from top right: Miriam Tingle, Shaheer Zazai, Ariel Shea, Veronica Pausova

I think, for me, there has been no group of people for whom I’ve had more empathy during this pandemic than those inside care homes.    I recognize that many of these facilities provide stellar support for their residents, as they struggle with ill health.  And I can think of nothing more honorable than a profession that allows people to face end of life as gracefully as possible.  However, I still think that there is a good reason why so many of us carry fear about such places.  Particularly given the restrictions imposed on these facilities during Covid, residents are now faced with what, perhaps, most chronically terrifies humans: the possibility of dying alone.  The Japanese even have a word for this - kodokushi or lonely death.

Thankfully, nursing homes and hospices have made extensive efforts to ameliorate these fears.  They are arranging regular digital communication for patients, with their loved ones.   And artists are also addressing this problem in very meaningful ways.  

Vancouver pianist, Matthew Li has been playing virtual performances for isolated patients all over Canada. https://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-may-4-2020-1.5554395/this-classical-pianist-is-offering-hospital-patients-virtual-private-music-recitals-1.5554784   And there are many other performers doing the same.

Also, this Toronto artist/curator team has organized an art donation program that has succeed in collecting over 200 original works, from the artists themselves (see photo above), to deliver (with fully compliant sanitary measures) to nursing homes in their area. https://cdnartinisolation.format.com/works-test

What’s important to acknowledge is the fact that end-of-life caregiving is a two-way street.  Sometimes, those in palliative care are less afraid to die alone than their loved ones are to be denied the opportunity to serve, comfort and seek closure.  So, it is beautiful that these gestures of music, and art, and video calls can soothe the souls of everyone involved.  

June 9, 2020

Making Lemonade

I don’t know about you, but lately, I feel like I’m drinking an awful lot of lemonade (and yes, sometimes spiked!).   Don’t get me wrong.  I usually love lemonade.  In fact, there are summer days when the craving hits me so hard, I can focus on nothing until it’s quenched.  I guess there’s something about the bittersweetness and resiliency of a drink that turns lemons into lemonade which usually attracts a “path-of-most-resistence” girl like me.  However, if I’m to be completely honest, I’m beginning to run out of Plan B’s.  Sure, there have been plenty of really tasty ones so far.  Like the socially distant private cocktail class for 6 that we gifted two of our friends (with us & their partners), when their big 40th & 50th birthday plans went caput with Covid.  One had hoped for a trip abroad with his family.  The other had booked a large venue and invited 100 friends and family for his now cancelled-‘til-‘21 bash.  So, mixing maitais and shaking whiskey sours as a back-up plan certainly wasn’t half-bad.  Then, there is the fact that my treasured local pool (a rare ,137-meter swimming facilty right on the ocean, available to the public for only $4 per visit) hasn’t opened this season, and probably won’t all year.  So, what did I do?  I rushed out to buy a 1 mm spring wetsuit, intent on “ocean hiking’ instead.  My inaugural swim, last Sunday night, down wind and down current, surrounded by mountains and the cityscape, which ended just below an eagle perched only 20-feet overhead, was an admittedly euphoric moment.  

So, believe me, I know I have no right to complain.  I’m just recognizing that, currently, I feel like I’ve pretty much tapped my creative juices to the max, which means that I’m looking for things to fuel my imagination for the months to come.  In my quest, I stumbled upon this particularly sophisticated back-up plan, which I imagine will be inspiration for many.

The Kanneh-Mason family is likely the most famous musical family you’ve never heard of.  All seven, that’s right, seven of these siblings are top-shelf classical musicians, conveniently covering nearly the full string family with 2 violinists, 3 pianists, and 2 cellists.  And, remarkably, their parents, who moved from Sierra Leone to England, where the children were raised, had only minimal exposure to musical instruments as kids.  Sheku, the third eldest, may be the most reknowned, having had his debut Carnegie Hall cello recital at just 20.  However, right by his side was his older sister Isata (23) on piano.  And it’s the lemonade that she recently squeezed out of a bum lemon which inspires me right now.  She’d been excitedly waiting for her upcoming Royal Albert Hall debut, a performance of Beethoven’s Third Piano Concerto with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, originally scheduled for April 18th.  So, once it was cancelled, as all family phenoms do, the five oldest kids, shoeless and in sweats, performed a string trio and double piano arrangement of the piece from their living room, in a livestream performance on the exact concert date.  Even more notable than the oodles of talent and sensitivity that pour out of this one family, is what seems to be their genuine humility and gratitude, amidst the disappointment of a postponed dream, just for the opportunity to share their passion, even in far from hoped-for circumstances. #glasshalffull

https://www.classicfm.com/artists/sheku-kanneh-mason/family-isata-beethoven-live-stream/

June 10, 2020

Poet as Witness

Interestingly, this has become a very poetic moment in our lives.  This time, rife with fear and heightened emotions, has been witnessed, as poets do so well, with acuity and depth of vision.  Somehow, the poet as witness is able to observe something too large for most of us to contain, and then distill it for us into digestable doses that cut right to the bone.   I’ve heard many people speak of inboxes replete with verses sent from friends meant to comfort or console.  And it has felt appropriate and almost necessary for me to leave people at the end of each of my weekly guided meditations with a relevant poem that they can sit with.  The publishing world has recognized this need for poetry, too.  Consequently, Random House has, with lightning speed, put out a compilation of poetic work created during this period.  Together in a Sudden Strangeness was released today.  And in one entry from this stunning collection, Joshua Bennett’s raw words speak to the helplessness that he felt when he was not allowed to accompany his pregnant wife to her ultrasound during Covid.

Dad Poem by Joshua Bennett

No visitors allowed is what the masked woman behind the desk says only seconds after me and your mother arrive for the ultrasound. But I’m the father, I explain, like it means something defensible. She looks at me as if I’ve just confessed to being a minotaur in human disguise. Repeats the line. Caught in the space between astonishment & rage, we hold hands a minute or so more, imagining you a final time before our rushed goodbye, your mother vanishing down the corridor to call forth a veiled vision of you through glowing white machines. One she will bring to me later on, printed and slightly wrinkled at its edges, this secondhand sight of you almost unbearable both for its beauty and necessary deferral. What can I be to you now, smallest one, across the expanse of category & world catastrophe, what love persists in a time without touch.

Other poets have found a more literal way to turn some of this current hopelessness on its head.  And their reflexive approach is not new.  The violin duet, Der Spiegel (score above), often wrongly attributed to Mozart but written by another 18th century unnamed composer, is meant to be performed with Player One reading from top to bottom, and Player Two from bottom to top.  Cleverly, the two parts have unique yet complementary melodies that make a cohesive whole when performed together.   Similarly, Britt MacKinnon’s poem, Covid 19 Outlooks manages to paint a realistic picture of the simultaneously bleak and hopeful perspectives that many of us vascilate between, right now.  You just have to make sure to read it in reverse after you’ve read it from top to bottom.

I have no hope or control. Nobody can convince me that I still have a future. I recognize that I am safe and loved But I am overwhelmed by fear This situation dictates my daily well-being. I refuse to believe that There is a bright future ahead. Our world is disrupted. No longer do I feel that We have support and help from our leaders. During self-isolation. I am reminiscing and dreaming. Now I cherish the good old days. My way of life Changing Because of COVID-19

June 11, 2020

Dance On!

The fluctuating moods expressed in MacKinnon’s poem can be found in an abundance of art created during this time.  Mark Morris is known for his music-driven choreography and unorthodox elegance.  One of my former in-laws, Rita Donahue also danced with his company for many years, which adds an even more personal interest to my fandom.    His wide range of styles and moods is well-illustrated in the three pieces that comprise his latest virtual offering, Dance On!  From the uncomfortability of his discordant Lonely Waltz (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hfkn4FI2CI) to the raw, visceral desperation of Anger Dance (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mdAmS81E0Q) to the comic simplicity and object puppetry used in Sunshine (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKAt2vBlMRw), the emotional evolution that I had as an audience member was much like the shift I experienced reading the poem above, upside down.   Geoff and I have always loved handstand therapy as an effective mood booster.  So, I’m taking this as a reminder to bring more inverted poses into my life.

June 12, 2020 

Rap & Gown

I have a confession.  As a rapper-wanna-be, flutist, with long curly hair and a name that begins with L, I secretly believe that Lizzo is my alter ego.     With her chutzpah, self-love and straight-talk, I think she is a prime role model for people of all ages and races.  And strong voices like hers are exactly what we need at this time.  Obviously, others agree, because she was invited to inspire stay-at-home graduates with her silver sounds on this collaborative performance of Elgar’s Pomp & Circumstance with the New York Philharmonic.  Now, that’s a grad ceremony that should have been worth coming out of quarantine for!

https://www.classicfm.com/artists/new-york-philharmonic/lizzo-plays-flute-class-of-2020-youtube-ceremony/

[trulymadlysydney]

Good Luck Kiss (submission)

HOly shit okay so I intended to write a little blurb about some *thoughts* I’ve been having all day today… and then this happened instead. This is my 2nd writing and my first smut ever so I’m sooooo sorry in advance if it is cringey or bad or if there are grammar problems i did my best okay?!?! kjlkajsgkjsal okay here it is. 

***************************

You couldn’t be more excited about your show tonight. Los Angeles is always an amazing crowd, but you know it’s going to be an extra special performance because Harry is in the audience. You always get butterflies before any performance, and tonight is no different. Usually to calm your nerves you blast loud music in your dressing room, drink your hot tea, and have some laughs with your crew as a distraction. But tonight your usually remedies just won’t do the trick. And it’s all because you know he’s in the audience. He’s out there, waiting to watch you on stage and it has you restless; that it’s now your turn to perform for him instead of the other way around.

All of this anticipation has got you in a naughty mood.

You were excited that he and some friends had come to see your concert so you were already buzzing about that, but part of you was so ready to show off for Harry a bit. You’ve seen him in concert countless times and watching him on stage was one of your favorite things. The way he gets the crowd screaming, how he moves so effortlessly on stage, how he comes off as a literal God among men, how he owns the crowd and has everyone (especially you) ready to drop to their knees for him. You wonder (well, hope) if you have the same effects on him.

So as you’re getting ready to go on, he’s out in the crowd with Jeff, Glenne, Mitch and a few others watching the opening act and you’ve been texting him; begging him to come back stage for one last good luck kiss, but he’s ignoring your texts. He knows what it is you really want; you were in a mood all afternoon, and he gently denying your advances a few times, not because he didn’t want to, but because he was trying to have some self-control in front of his friends. But you’re making it awfully hard for him when you keep texting flirty things, about how one kiss from him would insure a perfect show, how you promise all you want it just one little baby kiss to the lips. You even send a pouty selfie with your hair and make up done but still in your robe, not yet dressed yet. (Of course it’s pulled down a bit to show off your shoulder and a little cleavage.)

Y/N: Wanna do good for you tonight and can’t if I don’t have a good luck kiss.  

But he’s being firm with you. 

H: I know what you’re trying to do love, s'not happening. Keep getting ready, your opener’s almost done.

You’re pissed. Livid that he’s denying you of what you want when this is your day. Your concert. How many times have you come back to his dressing room for him when he’s asked? Now the roles are reversed and it’s his turn to give you what you want. Right? 

You sit in your chair sulking, and then an idea pops in your head. You’ll have one of your security guards go get him. A big, burly man finds him in the friends and family section and asks, no tells, him to come with him. His friends don’t think much of it, other than Jeff, who has done this very same thing before, going and grabbing you at last minute, and he knows exactly what is going on, giving Harry a knowing smirk. Harry’s cheek flush to a soft shade of pink, not because he’s embarrassing of Jeff knowing his business, but because he knows he’ll lose all self control if he goes back there. Because the second he sees you, he’ll give into you.

The big man in front of him isn’t giving him any other choice but to follow him backstage. Your security guard leads him to your dressing room where you are still in your robe, sitting in your make up chair, fussing with your hair in your mirror. The man shuts the door once Harry is inside, and you look up very innocently, immediately smiling when you see your beautiful boyfriend in his signature black ripped skinny jeans and perfectly tousled hair. He opted for a softer patterned shirt tonight in a lame attempt to stay somewhat discreet, but let’s face it, it’s still Harry; it’s still a loud, expensive, Gucci print that screams rock star, and dare you think it, daddy.

His expression is hard to read though, when you get up and move towards him. 

“Hi baby,” you say softly, your eyes and smile showing you are so happy to see him again.

He clears his throat, rubbing at his nose, a telltale sign he is frustrated. “C’mon pet, why aren’t you dressed yet? You go on soon.” 

You just giggle, immediately grabbing his big, ringed hands.

“I just wanted a little kiss, why’d you have to go and make everything so difficult?” You roll your eyes playfully, giving off a dramatic breath and batting your eyelashes at him. You place his hands on your hips, and you push yourself closer to him.

“Cause I know you want a lot more than a kiss and I can’t give that to you right now.” 

“And why not?” You give him puppy eyes as you stroke his cheek.

You’re breaking him down slowly; you can feel him relaxing at your touch. Usually he’s in charge, you rarely get to call the shots and you’re hoping that just maybe he’s finally going to give into you. You have to step up on your tip toes to reach, but you start to press lingering kisses to his jaw line, slowly moving down to his neck, up to the other side of his jaw, his cheek, and then right before you come to his lips you pause, wanting him to be the one to lean in first, to break. You’re testing him, he knows this, and as much as he’s tried to remain unaffected, he’s struggling to stay composed. If his staggered breath doesn’t shine light on his internal struggle, the growing tent in his pants gives him away. You’re everywhere; your hands in his hair at the nape of his neck, your perfume invading his nostrils, and the feeling of your faint soft lips remain on his skin.

“C’mon pet, be good for me.” He closes his eyes, thinking if he can’t see you maybe he’ll be able to maintain control.

“’M always good for you, Harry” you murmur against his cheek, pressing your lips softly to it.

“Ha, no you’re not. A menace you are,” he all but barks, his voice thick.

“Only when you don’t give me what I want…” you pout, your voice trailing off as you try to decide your next move. He’s holding strong, stronger than you though he could, and although you’re impressed, you are running out of patience and time. You need him, and the tingling in your core is screaming at you, but you need him to be the one to break first. Your fingers are still in his hair, and you stroke the curly strands gently.

“How about this, hmm? You give me what I want nowwww, and I’ll promise to be an extra good girl for you later.” Your voice is at a soft whisper now, your lips grazing right to his ear. You think you have him right where you want him. His body’s gone frigid at your proposition, and he’s continuing to breath through his nose with his eyes closed. You assume this means he needs a little more convincing, so you gently take your tongue across his earlobe, and then give it an even so slight bite, letting his lobe slowly move through your teeth. 

And then he’s alive.

The groan that leaves his throat is sound you will never forget, and is a noise that you will forever try to make his repeat. His hands move from your hips where you early placed them, to your wrists. In one swift movement he has your back to the dress room door with your arms above your head. He’s got a firm hold on your wrists, so firm it almost hurts a bit, but you don’t mind. This is exactly what you wanted (and you’re secretly hoping it’ll leave a mark).

“Think you’re funny pet? Havin’ your security pluck me from the crowd like I’m some fuckin’ groupie?” His accent is coming through thick, his words dripping with authority and need. His hot breath is hitting your face, he’s so close if you moved slightly forward your lips would touch. But you don’t make a move. You wait. He needs to break. He needs to crumple just like you’ve crumpled for him time and time again.

You smirk at his comment, looking at him challengingly.

“Didn’t expect it to come to that. Thought you’d wanna give your only angel a kiss before her big performance.” Your baiting him, you know. And you’re enjoying this now but you know that when you go back to the hotel tonight, there will be hell to pay. But maybe that’s why you keep pushing him. Maybe that’s why you press your core to his, hoping to find that he’s in need just as much as you are.

He’s hard against your stomach, and you moan, needing him inside you. Your noses are touching and he’s so close to you, you’re breathing in his cologne, your favorite scent, the one that makes you feel at home. Your mind is fuzzy with him, of what you want and need from him, and the teasing act that you have put up is starting to falter as you realize just how needy you are for him. Your core is tight, you can feel yourself dripping for him, and although you’ve been teasing him, it’s been agonizing for you too.

“Please baby,” you whisper, rubbing your nose to his, “I need it.” Your voice cracks at the end, it’s so quiet you wonder if he even heard you.

“Fuckin’ Christ,” he growls, and with that his lips hit yours, hard. You want to celebrate your victory, but there’s no time. He’s everywhere; his lips kissing you so passionately and roughly it almost hurts. He drops your wrists in order to grab your face, cupping it gruffly and his continues his attack down your neck. In the back of your mind you are worried about your make up being messed up, but how can you care for too long when he’s kissing, sucking, biting his way down your exposed throat.

“N-no marks!” You choke out, trying to catch your breath.

“I know, I know,” and he’s fumbling with the tie on your robe, pulling it down to reveal your naked body.

“Christ, pet! Really had this planned out, didn’t yeh?” He instinctually grabs your braless boobs, looking up at you in wonder, but you’re breathless.

“N-no, no time to underdress, ahhh,” and you hiss as he attached his lips to one of your nipples, his tongue lapping at the now hardened bud.

“Harry, have to be quick, ahh, ahhh!” You yelp as he bites down gently. “Harry, c’mon please.” You whine.

You reach between the two of you to undo his zipper and you yank down his pants, only to reveal that he too didn’t have any underwear on. He’s already hard in your hands and he’s practically leaking even though you’ve barely touched him, hissing as you gently pump him.

He reaches down to your core to find his fingers glide through your folds, and you yelp when he grazes over your very sensitive bud.

“Jump,” he demands, and you oblige as he forcefully picks you up, his large hands grabbing your ass and lifting you up so you are able to wrap your legs around his waist. His strong hands remained firmly gripped one your ass, and it’s then that he finally enters you, your head falling back against the wall as he does so. You both moan in unison, both swimming in the relief you both feel of finally being joined at last. His lips are on your neck, his breath heavy as he tries to keep you both up right. You struggle to keep your noises quiet, knowing that your entire crew is on the other side of this door.

“Harry,” you whimper in his ear, one hand pulling at his thick curls, the other clawing at his back through is shirt.

“I’ve got yeh, angel. ‘ve got yeh.,” he breathes. “Feels so-fuck- feels so good.”

You moan, agreeing with him. “Gotta, ahhh, gotta be quick baby,” you remind him as he grazes that spot inside you.

“Mmhmm,” he grunts, continuing to thrust up into you, fucking you into the door. “Hey- be- uhh, be nice pet,” he chokes out as you squeeze around him.

“”m’sorry,” you gasp, “Feels so good. Needed this. Needed you. Can you please- Harry, need you to-” and of course he knows exactly what you need, as his hand travels between you two, his thumb rubbing circles at your slick bud.

“C’mon angel. Give me a good one. Know you can. Be a good girl. My good girl, hmmm? My only angel.”

He’s watching you now, watching as you come undone on top of him. He watches as your head throws back, and he doesn’t mind the stinging on his scalp when you grip his hair even tighter. You are trying so hard to keep your cries to yourself, not wanting to completely give yourselves away, but it’s so hard when he’s fucking you so good and everything feels just right.

If you pulsating around him isn’t what does him in, then it must be the fucked out look you give him when you’ve finally come down from your high. Your eyes are glossy, your lips a berry red, and a hint of red to your cheeks that your make up artist didn’t put there. He’s overwhelmed by you; he’s heaving on top of you, choking in his curses as he shoots his hot load into you. It takes a minute for him to come back to you, you gently rub his back as you both try to regulate your breathing. You press soft kisses to his cheek, his forehead, his eyes and nose, and lastly his lips, lingering there for a few seconds.

“Yeh okay?” he grasps, kissing you back.

“Mmmhmm,” you hum, a smile radiating from you that only he could inspire.

“Gonna pull out now,” he speaks to you softly, slowly unwrapping your legs from his waist. You hiss for a few reasons; your legs feeling stiff from being wrapped around his waist so tightly, your back feeling as though there might be a bruise from being pounded into the door, and lastly your cunt, now feeling empty, both of him and his seed, that is now making its way down your leg. He grabs a towel to clean you up, rubbing his hands down your legs. You are stood almost frozen, but only for a second longer, only until you remember where you are.

“Holy shit,” you laugh. “We just fucked in my dressing room.” You wrap your robe around yourself as he tosses the towel to the trash, pulling up his pants in one motion. Tucking himself in, you can’t help but stare at him, at this beautiful man in front of you, this man that you love very much.

He laughs as he looks up at you, adjusting himself as he moves towards you. His hand comes up to tuck strands of hair behind your ear, his infamous smirk spreading across his face.

“Your makeup artist is gonna have my head,” he laughs, running his thumb over your now plump lips.

“Maybe so,” you giggle, kissing his thumb. “But it was worth it.”

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OH MY GOODNESSSSSSSSSSSS IM OBSESSED WITH YHIS

[hanbanana22]

Assessment of Skills

An Overview of My Technical Skills:

Not to boost my own ego, but i think my technical skills are to a good standard. Definitely room for improvement, however compared to a lot of singers, as i play other instruments i have a better understanding when it comes to the structuring of chords, what notes make them up and also the subtle differences between major and minors. As well as singing scales i can also play them on piano too.

 I don’t have too great of an understanding when it comes to amps and pa systems. I can set one up and i know what i like when im playing. i can’t read sheet music but if you give me chords i can play them straight away.

 i believe my vocal range is at least 2 octaves, i can sing high in my head voice, my lower register is nowhere near as strong. Recently when singing, my main technical focus has been the dynamics. being able to not belt the high notes straight away but squeezing them firstly so there is a build up in the song keeping it exciting. Making the audience feel the emotions im feeling when singing the song too is one of my aims always when performing so i have to be expressive like im telling a story. 

for the show i had to try connect with the audience during the girl group stuff which i found challenging and a little uncomfortable. But as we kept doing it, it felt more natural.

A singer-songwriter is part of my musicality i suppose but thats not all i want to be. Give me a guitar or piano and i can find a chord sequence easily, depending what you want the song to be about or the mood i can write something. But its usually sad.. i have a few songs of my own that iv’e fully written but never performed at college which i really want to do.

An Overview of My Music rehearsal skills:

iv’e ran a warm up once with Lizzie which went really well and i think i would be able to do another if i was asked. i wouldn’t need much preparation as iv’e been through enough warm ups to know what is required in order for it to be beneficial. i haven’t attended as many warm ups this term due to having a lot of medical appointments, which i would rather have them early in the morning before the day properly starts rather than the middle of the day where it is inconvenient and the full band would also be in. The bands i have been in “Divison and All sorts” have really overcome the problems we’ve faced. With the girl group, a member left and i was asked to replace her although i already had my own band to deal with they needed help and it shows good musicianship. With Division, we ended up finding someone else to do the harmonies which sounded great. Also In bloom was a song Joe wanted to do all we managed to put it in the show right at the end with hardly no time practising at college. Because we learned it in our own times it was good enough for the show whereas songs that had been worked on for weeks were not. My voice wasn’t suited to the song so we had Danny instead which is fair. i only auditioned and learned it as Joe had his heart set on the song and i didn't wanna let them all down especially if they were learning it too.

i had to learn all my lines for the two girl group songs, bearing in mind i joined half way through the project. also having to figure out a lower harmony for No Scrubs as Chloe was more or less singing harmony. In Division Autumn had to learn a whole solo which took a lot of time but was pretty much done. And the bass part was extremely hard i was told. But this was all a strong accomplishment as the end result sounded amazing and id like to think was one of the best songs in the show.

For Torn i guess i took leadership with it. Being my idea and gathering the people for it. Learning the guitar parts i also figured out the lower harmony by ear and taught it to both girls having recording it so they could listen back. Mike and Joe joined the acoustic song too, Joe being a great drummer picked up the rhythm by ear and i told Mike the notes in which he got straight away.

An Overview of My Personal Management Skills:

There was a lot of independent practice with Dont Speak. i constantly had the song on repeat figuring out all the little things the lead singer did and also watching her live performances. during rehearsals, Autumn would go off to a midi room where its quite and learn parts of the solo and com,e back which we’d all play the song again. Mike eat sleep and breathed the baseline for the song. practising so much where he got it pretty much perfect in 3 days as he likes to brag about. i sing the songs im doing at home so i can see the full potential of the song and its a lot easier to focus. My band was good with attendance as time management. the only times they weren't were if they were to go to the smoking area... i brought my electro- acoustic guitar in for Autumn to play. i definitely tried new things out with the Nirvana song. its not my style what so ever but the band wanted to do it and i wasn’t going to be stubborn.

An Overview of My Tumblr (wix) Blog Skills:

ive kept up to date with my action plans and have been told im quite good at them making them descriptive and detailed with information required. I have also kept up to date with my rehearsal logs but there are hardly any videos which i really need to take control of and get them done.. i do like the presentation of my website, and iv’e added a lot of research about the songs including whos doing what and harmonies etc.

id say ive been good when it comes to deadlines.