#which is making my physical health suck like a vacuum

[bbreaddog]

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[jeff-from-marketing]

The next person who says anything like "oh you and [person] would make a great couple!" or "you and [person] should totally date!" is going to get bit. And not in the friendly way that a cat might bite someone to show affection, no I'm 100% going for blood and tearing out flesh.

At the cost of breaking one of my personal rules of being on a social media platform, imma be real and go through my personal history, because there's a number of reasons I'm extra prickly whenever someone brings up anything like that and context helps.

So throughout a lot of my years in the hellscape that is highschool, I was actually very lucky to have some very close friends. Highschool was shit, but the people I got through it with weren't. Now, an important detail about me is that my preferred method of telling someone I care about them and love them is through physical affection. I suck with words like a vacuum attached to a kazoo, but I'm a god damn fucking poet writing... fancy poems, when it comes to communicating with physical affection.

Now, this isn't a problem... Unless you're Big Society. Because I, according to highschool dickhead logic, made the mistake of having friends who also just happened to have boobs. And as well all know, if you're close friends with someone that's the opposite sex to you, that obviously means you're romantically interested in them! Definitely can't be that I just actually really enjoy their company and think they're cool people that I'm glad to have in my life. God forbid I also hug them or anything...

... years I had to deal with that. I didn't know I was aromantic, I didn't even know that was a thing back then. In hindsight yeah it's fucking obvious I didn't want a romantic relationship, but I didn't know that then. All I knew was that I was fucking inundated with people trying really fucking hard to get me to date the people I hung around with. Fucking christ, I couldn't even go watch a fucking movie with some of my friends without everyone going "oOoOoOh YoU wEnT oN a DaTe!!1!!!11!" and it actually fucking ruined me for a while.

So many other people doing this shit to me, and I really enjoyed spending time with said friends and was happy around them, so maybe there's at least something to it? At least that's what idiot teenager me thought, and man do I wish I could slap them at times. Long story short: no, that's just called having really good friends who care about you and put effort into their relationship with you. But, because of just how people reacted and just were, I eventually conflated "friendship with good human" with "romantic interest" which, I shouldn't have to tell anyone is not even remotely correct or even healthy thoughts. It definitely had some very bad results mental health wise on more than one occasion.

It would take many years (and several crises) after highschool for me to actually figure out "actually, I don't do the whole romance thing." Now you'd think once I actually settled down on the fact of "no, I do not want a romantic relationship" combined with just not being in highschool anymore, that the bullshit I was describing earlier would stop.

Ha.

I mean sure, it's happened far less since then, but the number isn't zero so therefore it's too fucking high. I've had a friend try to set me up with another friend WHO HAS ALSO SAID THAT THEY DON'T WANT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. THE FUCK EVEN?? And like, that was their main basis on why we should be in a romantic relationship???? The fuck???

And I've had one person mockingly say to me "awww, what a lovely couple!" just because I was cuddling up with them on the lounge in a fucking queer space of all places. The one fucking place where I'd expect my aromanticism to be understood and respected (and yes, the person who made the comment did already know about me being aromantic, so that's not an excuse)

Even now, I have a friend who keeps getting pushed into romantic relationships that they don't fucking want because other people in their life keep going "oh my god oh my god oh my god you should totally date them!" and doing the same shit I went through. Only they're still figuring things out, and let me tell you it's not a fucking easy journey.

Even ignoring how fucking childish the whole thing is, why the fuck is the default assumption of spending time with or having any sort of physical affection with someone just "oh they're dating/should date!" Are people not allowed to have fucking fulfilling relationships without it being romantic? Are people not allowed to just be fucking happy with their relationship as it is? Do people really have to push their fucking standards on how certain social dynamics work on everyone else?

God I'm fucking tired of it. Just let people fucking be happy. Let people be happy together the way they are.

So like I said: if you dare say that I should date anyone I spend time with or display any affection towards, I will be tearing chunks of flesh out of you with my teeth. That is a threat and a promise.

[bluepsi]

So I know tumblr is full of helpful depression and anxiety takes already but I’ve recently started being more active in combatting my mental illness and I’d like to share a few things that have helped me tremendously. I’ve dealt with severe anxiety and on and off severe depression since I was a kid and I’ve found that counseling and medication don’t really do it for me. I’m more of a “I’ll feel better about a problem being fixed if I’m the one fixing it” kind of person. Everyone deals with mental illness differently but hopefully some or even just one of these can help you too.

1. Go touch grass. That’s a joke. But seriously, go outside for a bit. Don’t plan on doing anything in particular outside, just be outside and make that the objective. Even if it’s just standing on the porch for a second and getting some fresh air, it’s a good sort of mental palate cleanser, if that makes sense.

2. Get a vitamin regiment. This one was interesting, because I started talking vitamins daily mainly to feel a little better about my physical health cuz my diet isn’t the greatest so I wanted to be able to get more nutrients. But I noticed after not even 2 weeks of taking vitamins every morning that my mood significantly improved. In hindsight idk why I was surprised since your brain and body need certain amounts of nutrients to function properly. If you’re like me though and suck at routines this may be a bit difficult but try to stick with it. And you may be wondering where to start but even if it’s just a daily multivitamin, it will help.

3. Go. To. Sleep. Earlier. THIS one is the hardest. Like Jesus effing Christ fixing my sleep schedule was hard as hell. BUT, I finally get why this is such a common one. I probably went to bed consistently around 2, 3 sometimes 4am for years and would wake up around 12-1 pm. Because of my class schedule this semester, however, I had no choice but to start going to bed earlier. And I’m so glad for it. I know the night time is when we get to actually enjoy ourselves and try to earn back the couple hours that work stole from our day, but I promise, waking up just a little earlier in the morning will make your days so much better and you’ll feel like you have so much more of it to do things. Plus it just feels kind of nice to be awake in the morning as the world is waking up. I know that sounds lame and cheesy as fuck but whatever. I cannot stress enough how much fixing your sleep schedule by even a little can benefit you.

4. Don’t clean your room. You read that right. Don’t clean your entire room. Clean only one small part of it. Clear clutter off your end table. Take dirty dishes to the kitchen. Get that pile of laundry off your chair. Sweep/vacuum your floor. And no, this isn’t some sneaky “if you start with just one thing you’ll end up wanting to clean your whole room muahaha” mind trick. If it has that effect, great. But don’t do any of these things with that as the objective. Having an entirely clean room is magical, but getting it clean when you’re having a bad mental health day is next to impossible. Trust me, just take that 1-5 minutes to just clean ONE thing. You’ll immediately feel better.

5. Look forward to something. Alright this one’s a little tricky, but it has one of the best effects. It’s not as simple as finding a hobby, but try to find something that you do once a week, every week. For me, I found a dodgeball meet up at a local rec center. Not only is it fun as freaking hell, it allowed me to meet and socialize with people around my age. And it gave me something to look forward to every week, which immediately made me happier. I found this through a friend, but I imagine you can Google a local community center or find something on social media.

6. Treats. This one’s probably the more redundant “hehe treat yourself be comfy and cozy grip a warm mug with both hands in a baggy sweater” kind of take, but don’t underestimate it. Typically food is the best one for this. Think of a food or snack that you just LOVE above all others. Keep it stocked always. When you feel crappy, remind yourself that your favorite thing is in the cupboard. When you have a good or productive day, reward yourself with that treat. For me, it’s goat cheese. I fucking love goat cheese probably to an unhealthy amount. I eat it with raspberry preserves on toast every single morning; not only does it look like one of those high-aesthetic Pinterest breakfasts so I feel fancy, it tastes so god damn good. Plus it’s a decently healthy and filling breakfast, which in itself is also a huge mental health boost. Anyway, treat yourself.

7. Slow down. This one is a little hard to explain but hopefully it will make sense. One reason I feel anxious so often is that everything I do or have to do, I think that I have to fly through it and finish it as quickly as possible. I think that the sooner I finish a task, the sooner I can get back to doing what I want to do. But I end up making myself jittery and super anxious. So by the time I get to relax or play a video game, I’m still in hyperspeed rush mode. I feel like I have to rush through it and get to the enjoyment as quickly as possible. I completely forget to just take my time and unwind. I feel like this can apply to a lot of aspects of life in general. Just breathe and slow down.

Living with mental illness takes a lot of work. You have to work and struggle to just feel okay.  But if you’re like me, feeling some degree of control and ability to take charge of your mental health feels so great and empowering. Even if you just pick one of these and find that it helps, I’m so happy for you and you should feel extremely proud of yourself.

[dzpenumbra]

7/10/23

Goddammit, I was lined up to start this at 2:30 today. I had it all planned out and everything. I had my small dinner at midnight and I was going to finish up some work and then hop on here and do this and then get to bed at a decent hour. And, of course, I got sidetracked and sucked into something and now it's 4:30.

Let's start from the top. My neighbor was making creaking and bumping noises above my head from 9AM until I finally got up around 2 or 3. The first time I woke up, I literally felt like I fell off a cliff. Like... I remember vividly a time I was hiking in Fall off-trail and I slipped on dry leaves and started sliding downhill a few feet towards a 25+ foot cliff... that feeling. My heart was pounding through my solar plexus. It was so fucking jarring that I went to my very special sketchbook that I only put the most important, most meaningful things in... and I did my best attempt to draw my Primal Self getting the shit scared out of him.

I then did a sketch of Me... trying to calm my Primal Self down from a distance, as it was coiled up and frightened like a wild skunk that broke in and somehow trapped itself in your entry room, at the moment when you flip the lights on and it backs itself into a corner and starts screeching at you. My role being... reassuring from a distance and showing the surroundings to him. Prove to him that he's safe.

It deeply upset me. It's horrible. It was so upsetting that I resolved to get to bed early, because... I mean... yes, I will feel the same kind of scared if I wake up suddenly and it's pitch dark out... but not to the degree that I will if I wake up to someone SLAMMING something 6 feet above my head. And these motherfuckers are not awake at 4 AM. Unless it's the day before Easter and they are having family over and they get the sudden urge to vacuum their apartment...

At this point, fixing my sleep schedule feels like it's getting to be a matter of physical health. Not just mental or spiritual health. It is not physically healthy for my body to be subjected to this level of stress regularly. Here's the worst part. I can try to justify to my nervous system "it's just people being people, they're just living their life, you're okay..." And it does work to turn my inner alarm system off after the fact... very effectively, too. But I can't rewire my inner alarm systems to get used to loud bangs and crashes, HUMAN SOUNDS, 6 feet away from my head when I live alone. It's simply a survival thing. It's a self-preservation thing, it's just not smart for me to train the autonomic system in my subconscious that the sound of human activity that appears from the senses to be coming from inside my home, when I live alone... is a perfectly safe sound to be hearing while I'm fucking unconscious.

In case I'm not connecting the dots clear enough, the problem is that my nervous system is correct. It's reacting appropriately. I should be startled if I hear fireworks or a car backfiring a block away. I should be alert to that. Does that mean piss myself? No. But if I hear a sound that sounds like someone climbing the stairs to my bedroom, I better be wide the fuck awake and out of bed. And the adrenaline surge I was provided with this morning was enough for me to leap out of bed and fight a fucking bear.

So yeah, I'm a bit upset about this situation. Still. And it's not like I have a lot of living options... the housing market is fucking laughable. Almost as absurd as the healthcare situation. So... I just have to figure this out, one way or another.

I tried to just... resolve to get to bed earlier. It seemed like the best solution overall. The current hour is testament that... that did not go as planned.

I went downstairs, did my Zen Garden (which is super relaxing), got some water, got my AirPods and went back to bed. I didn't get back to sleep for at least half an hour of just laying there listening to white noise with the noise cancelling on. Oh, and get this. With the box fan... and the noise cancelling... and white noise playing in the earbuds... They still woke me up twice. They still fucking woke me up twice. Because, out of their entire apartment, they decide to set up their most commonly used living space precisely above my bed. I'm tempted to write my landlord and just... ask them if they would mind just moving their shit over to the other side of their main room? I feel like that's super forward and "bitchy neighbor" of me, but I've been losing sleep over this shit for 6 fucking months now. It's really fucking me up.

On top of all this, I had super disturbing dreams. Like... brainwash cult sweeping the nation and people very close to me were swept in, and they were like... potentially violent and shit. Super scary shit. It was not a good sleep.

I finally got up and... after journaling my dream... I found that the farmer's market ended at 2pm. I didn't get back to sleep until about 11, and I didn't get up until about 3. If I had slept through the night, I might've been able to make the last hour of it. I was upset about that.

I did yoga. It was nice, but my mind was wandering a lot. Which happens sometimes, it's okay. It was a nice practice. It started to storm and rained the rest of the day. I did my workout and played Hades. That's my routine now, pour my coffee so it cools to room temperature by the time I'm done... fire up a run in Hades... start my workout and play Hades during my rest in between sets. Then, when I'm done, eat breakfast, have coffee and finish my run. It's been working pretty well, I like it.

Tomorrow is my last day on my workout challenge, it's been a month already. Crazy how time flies. I think I've lost 3 or 4 pounds. I'm considering seeing if there's an exercise plan that includes stationary bike riding or a treadmill or something. I can just do my workout in the gym anytime then, it should be open 24/7. Then I can get a bit more of a sustained cardio workout, which has been missing from my exercise lately.

I dyed some beads, enough for another necklace that should be quite a bit longer than the last one. This one is a deep rich blue. I also decided to say fuck it and pull beads for a second necklace to do at the same time. A much longer one that is made of 88 of the smallest beads I have. This time, instead of sanding after dyeing... I sanded before. Which really does make the most sense. But... again... I have to do that by hand. So I started the day by sanding 32 medium sized beads by hand, one-by-one... then dying them, and setting them out to dry. That's a lot of sanding.

Then I did some house care. I'm downplaying that a bit. I... put Max's cat tree into storage. Finally. I had been using it as a stand for my lighting at night... at least that was my justification, I haven't been using those lights for several months now, I haven't needed to, I haven't been going to bed while it's dark. So... I figured... I'd have to do it eventually. And I put it into storage. And that part of the room is a lot emptier now. And it's really heart-wrenching, still. But it had to happen some day. And it's allowing the home to evolve a bit. I also brought the now potted Pothos upstairs to the loft, to their new home. They're all growing new leaves and growing quite fast now. So that's really nice!

I took some of the string lights that I had from the cat tree and I plan on putting them upstairs in the hallway leading to my bedroom. Maybe if I have more lighting at night, I will feel more safe waking up at night. I don't know. Worth a shot. Maybe I can get some lights for downstairs too, just so it's not like... this big gaping abyss full of dangerous mysteries below me.

So yeah, that was hard, but it was an important step for me. After that, I decided to set up a meal plan program. I signed up for a site that sorta... builds a meal plan for you and even has integration to buy your groceries and shit. It's pretty cool. So I made a deal with myself. I cancelled the subscription I had for this music sampling collection... which was a bit heartbreaking, but I haven't been using at all... and got this subscription instead, which was 1/3 the monthly cost. It made sense.

After I got that set up, I put it aside and started setting up the second necklace. I figured... with how time consuming the tung oil process is... why not just work in bulk? So I separated 88 small beads and strung them, and got the dye ready. Then I remembered... I didn't sand them... -_- Yep. So... I put on a YouTube lecture on the origins of religion and spiritual expression based on the latest archaeological discoveries (which was fucking mind-blowing and amazing and 1.5 hours long) and sorted, resized the holes and started sanding all 88 of them. One-by-one. By hand. I got to the halfway mark (44) by dinner time (around 12). And I pushed myself to do 22 more, since I was in a groove. And I did.

Then I did dinner. Just ramen with a few eggs and a soy/hot sauce base, some green onions, a little sesame oil to finish. One of the eggs fell on the floor and I had to clean it up. Just... you know... to spice up the day a bit more... And then I sat down and ate and started working on that meal planner. And these meals... so many of them just look so fucking basic and bland. Like... pasta with oil and some garlic and one basil leaf and 2 split cherry tomatoes. I don't know. A lot of the meal combos were really fucking weird... like asian food with cheese quesadillas as a side? Just... strange... And a lot of the food just didn't really seem appealing to me. Lots of flax stuff, and protein shakes... but I did find quite a bit of stuff that's going to work for me. Plus... it's all vegetarian, so that's a simple transition.

The Blue Jay is back. Actually there are two of them talking to each other, at least two. It's pouring rain out. I can tell it's my morning visitor, the big guy. It's the exact same time. I've been hearing him a lot lately. I wonder if he's just bitching for more free food... XD How fucking cool would it be to have a tame Blue Jay? They're in the Corvid family, with Crows, though not incredibly closely related. They do seem on a very different level than other song birds though. They're nuts. I've heard them imitate the sound of Red-Tailed Hawks to scare off other competing birds before. How fucking nuts is that?

Anyway. I got super lost in the whole meal planner thing. Because... they added this thing into it where you can inventory your pantry and then it sorta... figures out meals with your on-hand ingredients... and then orders shit that you need. Or at least it's supposed to, I haven't tried yet. It even had a barcode scanner thing on it, so it made it pretty easy to do (when it worked). But... again... I got super lost in it and inventoried literally all of my food. And then I looked at the clock and went "oh shit, I have to finish the beads..." So I finished the 2-week meal plan, as best as I could, and I'll come back to it tomorrow. And I went back to the beads. And I finished sanding the last 22 beads. And I went and soaked 44 of them on a string in the dye. This dye is green... but I watered it down. And I'm a little afraid that I might have watered it down a bit... too much. The other two necklaces, I didn't water that shit down fucking at all. So all I had to do was just roll them around a bit, let them soak the dye in, and they were nice and vibrant. This? I'm gonna let these puppies soak overnight. We'll see what they look like tomorrow. So I wedged a rock in there with them to keep them submerged in the dye and they're just gonna do their thing. The other half? I think I'm going to leave them undyed. I'm tempted to draw symbols of some sort on them. I liked the idea of like a prayer flag concept, of like... writing a symbol and putting an intention into each one, and repeating that 88 times. Or maybe cycling through the Zodiac symbols? I don't know, I haven't decided yet. I'm also going to have to settle on a medium for that. But at the core, this is going to be alternating green (likely very desaturated green, maybe like a green tea color) and natural wood color, and they'll have the nice rich oil stain to them as well. So... likely a subtle alternation of colors.

Oh, and I put the last necklace in a sealed bag with a cinnamon stick. Hopefully that will seal an aroma into it, I'll leave it for like a week or something. If not, I've always got powdered cinnamon too.

Okay, I think that's everything from today. Big goddamn day. But I still felt like I didn't actually finish anything. The blue beads aren't oil coated. I didn't get to sand the display table that I am 100% going to refinish in this batch as well... I didn't finish dying the small beads. I didn't finish setting up my meal planner. So yeah, that's a frustrating feeling. I get that a lot. But I really need to remember that just because something is not complete, doesn't mean I didn't work hard on it and accomplish a lot. And today was just non-stop working hard on good, healthy, cool things. And in the end, I'm happy with it.

Now, I really need to get to bed because I'm insanely tired. Headphones are 100% coming to bed with me tonight.

[fishmongeringstudies]

twenty one: i keep waking up in rooms i don't recognize and then realizing that i am still dreaming. my therapist says this is a symptom of a dislocated knee. i have not gone running since march. everyone that i know is lying to me

when i was a kid my parents used to take us to the same restaurant for brunch every sunday. it was on the first floor of a shopping mall which had big panes of glass stitched together for a ceiling and consequently let in far more natural light than your average building, but the restaurant itself was dark. moody. the walls were black and so was all the upholstery. the coffee mugs the waitresses served you coffee in were so dark you couldn't tell how full they were unless you looked extra hard at them, which i rarely did. in most memories of this place i'm seven or eight and i only drink two things: lemon tea and milk. so i'm sitting there with my frosted plastic cup of lemon tea, methodically stirring in my syrup with a skinny metal spoon because they make their lemon tea from scratch here which means no sugar and lots of tea, and my parents are drinking from their big adult mugs, and my sister's picking apart the roasted tomato on my dad's plate, and life, well. life is simple. good.

i can't remember when we stopped going there but i know that by the time i was nine and traipsing around in the hallways of the chinese primary school my parents had transferred me to, it had closed down and been replaced with some other restaurant whose name and shape i can't recall. well before i turned sixteen that entire wing of the first floor was demolished and replaced with the monstrosity that is singapore's flagship muji store. the muji's still there today. it's got a retail area and a few showrooms showcasing lifestyle choices for the upper-middle class citizen and a cafe with a dining area marked out by eclectic hanging decor that looks like a hundred little wastepaper baskets made from twine tied together to form a spotty mural of sorts. i'm fond of the cafe. their desserts are on the expensive side but they're thoughtfully made and look pretty in pictures, prettier in person.

your childhood years are one of those things that gets shinier the further away you stand from it, like how a bad experience becomes bittersweet by necessity if you give it long enough or you'll be stuck carrying that baggage with you forever. looking back, for example, on spring, i am inclined to see the educational takeaways instead of the moments in which my brain shut off and was replaced with a vat of screaming kittens. in this way we propel ourselves forward with the wisdom of the past, scrounged together from moments of pain and deep embarrassment. in this way we find ways to stay alive.

this summer i have wound up in upperclassmen housing by some unfortunate trick of fate. my apartment suite has five bedrooms but only four of them are occupied; i live in the room at the end of the hallway. my flatmates live in the next three. it has been five days since i moved in and i am convinced all of them think that they are living with a cryptid constructed in the scp containment breach format and unsure how to let them know that they are correct without making it personal. last night i woke up after a brief period of dreaming to use the bathroom; while washing my hands in the sink one of my flatmates walked past in the hallway behind me. 'hey, it's you,' she said. 'i feel like i haven't seen you forever. i mean. i've seen you, but i haven't seen seen you, you feel me?' asleep on my feet and ready to crash facefirst into bed, i nodded. 'yes.' she stood there for a few seconds as if expecting me to say more, but i had a vending machine for a brain at the moment and couldn't find it in me to press any more buttons. i certainly could've tried. but i was tired.

when i got on campus in february i resolved to sign up for therapy sessions with the school's mental health services since i was paying an ungodly amount for 'health insurance' (not a thing in singapore, really; not necessary in most places except america, really) anyway and i might as well make use of some small part of the astronomical sum that had been deposited in the pockets of some old white people i would likely never meet in my life. i got as far as filling out the form embedded in the school website and opening the automated email i received a few days later asking me to list my free times each week. i forgot about the rest. we are therefore entering the summer of my twentieth year without a goddamn clue what the inside of my head looks like apart from the fact that it must be pretty cool in there. it has to be cool. if it isn't cool what's the point of holding onto any of it anyway? we live for the spice of life. like garlic powder. cumin. oyster sauce.

this morning i went to target to look for sugar. the dining hall here doesn't do any of its vegetables justice but their desserts are to die for, and i've found myself suffering from a mild withdrawal since i started scrambling eggs and boiling about five hundred grams of cauliflower a day for the sheer therapeutic effect of it and because i don't really know any better. the target near campus is located in a shopping mall and surrounded by miles of parking space on both ends. while walking back across that stretch of empty parking space, i came across a smear of orange on the pavement. it was an orange. or it had been. the rind had been ground into the gravely surface of the road by a repetitive smoothing action so that it looked less like a bit of roadkill and more like it had been there all along. i can't stop thinking about that orange. who the fuck drops an orange in the middle of a road? why didn't they pick it up?

i have been cursed with an idea. it came to me last night before i fell asleep and it has been sitting on my shoulder since then like the devil in the popular angel-and-devil writing device which all nine year olds are taught by their teachers in chinese class, whispering to me about how great things will be if i can teach myself the fundamentals of sound design in three days. unfortunately it is when one decides to start a war that they are forced to confront their contacts list and the vast, untraceable geography of its contents. i cannot tell you if anything will result from this. but i hope that it will.

back when i still talked to her i mentioned the idea of doing puzzles to soothe the mind once and she took to it with so much genuine enthusiasm (she was always enthusiastic. too enthusiastic. enthusiasm was the problem, and the lack of willingness to curtail it the thing that eventually nailed the coffin shut) that i went to target the next weekend and bought a set of four puzzles depicting various scenes from old disney films. over the last two weeks i have done each puzzle three times, save for the last one, in which mickey and minnie mouse waltz down a red carpet and the people on the sidelines cheer for them with champagne moustaches and glittering beads for eyes. i cannot decide if this is meaningful. i cannot see the point of summer. but i am trying.

i don't remember the name of that sunday brunch restaurant. i don't remember the names of a lot of places our parents brought us when we were children, but my sister has been on a nostalgia trip since april and sends me screenshots of old pc games we used to play together from time to time. ernie's adventures in space. timmy's sea adventures. barbie island princess. i open each image and feel something inside of me physically ache in response. it appears that despite my best efforts, i will never be seven years old again.

i'm not a huge fan of lemon tea anymore. i prefer water. how it cleanses the palate like a vacuum cleaner sucking up all the dust and grime in a musty room. it's hard to distinguish between the inside and the outside of a thing when both are the color of a blood-red sunset but we try our best, you know? we draw lines on the sidewalk with chalk and we say 'here is my side of the universe and here is yours'. we act diplomatic when inside we are drunk and slurring our words all over the bartender's white vest. and then, because there is nothing else to do on this planet, we keep on living.

06.10.21

[curiousstrawberry]

otp tag

i was tagged by @bitterotter and i think @impossible-rat-babies thank you <33

I’m gonna tag @dep-yo-tee @moon-sugar @atomirotta @dorkousloris and anyone else who wants to do this consider yourself tagged (also feel no oblagation to do this) 

Also otp of choice is Adam and Desideria because why not 

DISAGREEMENTS.

Who is more likely to raise their voice?

·         Ah that’s difficult... both of them are short tempered and equally likely to raise their voice but it’s very short lived and they will apologize, or at least try to. This also comes from both of them being stubborn and not realizing their feelings. I think deeper in relationship this is not an issue at all and only fights would be more related and likely without raised voices.  

Who threatens to leave but never actually does?

·         No threatening of leaving, just leaving for a moment if it gets too much.

who actually keeps their word and leaves?

·         Again, if it gets too much either leaves to cool down for a moment. Usually it’s Adam who needs more cool down time, but they are pretty on par with that.

who trashes the house?

·         Nope, if you don’t count accidentally smashing some furniture due to emotional constipation

Rest is bellow cut because it’s very long and contains adult stuff 

do either of them get physical?

·         NOPE

how often do they argue/disagree?

·         Ah well, it’s not really disagreements or arguments more like different opinions on things and challenging each other, which does happen quite often especially when it’s work related. But they respect each other’s options, even if they disagree with it.

who is the first to apologize?

·         Neither is really good at apologizing, both of them are really stubborn but they do always apologize. I think Des is likely to apologize first but not by much

SEX.

who is on top? Who is on bottom?

·         Depends on mood I guess? Neither mind switching.

any kinks?

·         Not sure about Adam but Des is lot into praising and hair pulling.

who has the strangest desires?

·         I mean I wouldn’t say either of them do? I think Des is likely to try new stuff though

who’s dominant in bed?

·         Adam is, it’s likely difficult to leave someone else the reigns even in the bed. Des is mostly fine with it, but they do switch things around.

is head ever in the equation?

·         Yup, Des is more for giving than receiving but yeah.

if so, who is better at performing it?

·         Likely Adam? He’s likely more experienced so let’s go with that.

ever had sex in public?

·         Ah I don’t think either would be very comfortable with that.

who moans the most?

·         I think both of them are kinda same level of noisy or well not as noisy. I do entertain the idea of Adam being louder though.

who leaves the most marks?

·         Des, or well she’d love to

who is the more experienced of the two?

·         Adam? This one is difficult. I’d say that with Adam not being with anyone since he was turned makes them about equal way experienced?

do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?

·         make love duh

how long do they usually last?

·         Average?

rough or soft?

·         Hmmm, soft. I mean rough too sometimes too but usually it’s all about intimate touches and kisses and just being able to explore each other and be near each other than the actual sex itself.

is protection used?

·         Yup, better be safe than sorry.

does it ever get boring?

·         Not likely no. I think neither of them really essentially needs to have sex so this is not an issue.

where is the strangest place they’d have sex?

·         Hah nothing very extreme I’d say. Really no idea. Likely Des’s room at the warehouse? Really nothing that strange

FAMILY.

Do they plan on having children/or have children?

·         Des isn’t very into the idea of having children. Like she won’t say no, she would have to think about it very hard and it would be far in the future but for now it’s very strong no. It has lot to do with her childhood and with her mental health she doesn’t want anyone else to be introduced to that, especially not child.

If so, how many children do they want/have?

AFFECTION.

who likes to cuddle?

·         Well, Des is touch averse but once she gets comfortable with someone (she cares about) she’s cuddle monster

who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?

·         Neither? They are boring like that.

who struggles to keep their hands to themself?

·         I think Adam later in relationship will have trouble with keeping hands to himself in terms of I’ve been touch starved for 900 years and now I met my soulmate.

how long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?

·         Depends, likely if they watch some movie or something they do keep close

what is their favourite non-sexual activity?

·         Believe it or not but combat training. They both have a lot of fun with that, well Des does later when she knows what’s up more. Also quiet night watching some old movies or reading a book and just being near each other is something they really do enjoy.

where is their favourite place to cuddle?

·         Bed or couch

SLEEPING.

who snores?

·         Neither. Though idea of Adam snoring is hilarious

if both do, who snores the loudest?

do they share a bed or sleep separately?

·         When Des is in warehouse or Adam visiting her they do share bed, but they do not live together at the moment (who knows if they will)

if they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?

·         Likely fall asleep being close to each other but not really like entangled limbs or anything,

what do they wear to bed?

·         Hah literally no idea what would Adam wear hmmm, I could imagine him in some pajama pants? Des is likely to wear some large shirt (she will absolutely steal Adam’s shirt)

are either of them insomniacs?

·         Don’t think so? Adam just doesn’t need much sleep and Des has bad sleeping habits.

can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?

·         Nope, no pills at all for Des unless she absolutely has to.

do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?

·         Side by side, holding hands, Des curled to Adam’s side but nothing that would invade each other’s space too much.

who wakes up with bed hair?

·         Des

who wakes up first?

·         Adam, I mean he doesn’t need as much sleep so there’s that.

who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?

·         Adam doesn’t really eat so there’s not much preparing stuff for him but he does make Des coffee or tea.

what is their favourite sleeping position?

·         When Des is alone she sleeps on her stomach, head buried in too many pillows. When she’s with Adam she’s usually curled to his side, hand thrown over his stomach, him wrapping arm around her.

do they set an alarm each night?

·         Lol Des has like six of them neither works.

who has nightmares?

·         I guess both but Des does more. And no she would not like to talk about it she’s fine.

can a television be found in their bedroom?

·         Nope.

who has ridiculous dreams?

·         Neither? For Des it’s usually realistic flashes rather than something completely ridiculous.

who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?

·         Des

who makes the bed?

·         Adam

what time is bed time?

·         Hmmmmmm I mean after work is done? When Des feels like she’s tired? Usually around midnight and later

any routines/rituals before bed?

·         The usual brushing teeth etc. Des pulls her hair into a bun or braids it because there’s lot of hair and it’s not fun when someone lies on it.

who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?

·         Des, she really is top grump in morning. Adam thinks it’s cute but won’t admit it.

WORK.

who is the busiest?

·         I’d say Adam, not that Des isn’t but you know he’s more workaholic type

who rakes in the highest income?

·         Likely Adam

are any of them unemployed?

·         Nope

who takes the most sick days?

·         Des does. Some days are just too much you know.

what are their jobs?

·         Des is a detective. Adam works for the Agency

who sucks up to their boss?

·         Hahaha Adam would I think? Or well is more candidate anyway. Des doesn’t know what respect for authority is. She’s not an outright dick but you gotta earn the respect she won’t suck up to anyone.

·         who is more likely to turn up late to work?

Des, even with the amount of alarms she has set, she’s not a morning person.

who stresses the most?

·         Des does, but she won’t let it show

do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?

·         I think Adam enjoys what he’s doing. As for Des.. it works?

are they financially stable?

·         Yes

HOME.

who does the washing?

·         Both

who takes out the trash?

·         both

who does the ironing?

·         Des does iron her own clothes... or well folds it well so she doesn’t have to iron it later.

who does the cooking

·         Des does but she hates cooking even if she’s not bad at it. She’d rather order take out.

who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?

·         Neither, but I can’t imagine Adam cooking.

who is messier?

·         Des by default since Adam seems like neat freak

who leaves the toilet roll empty?

·         Neither

who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?

·         Des

who forgets to flush the toilet?

·         Gross neither

who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?

·         Des does, she puts them somewhere and then forgets. Actually happens quite often.

who answers the telephone?

·         They use cell phones only and each has their own.

who mows the lawn?

·         No lawn.

who does the vacuuming?

·         I mean if they would live together then both.

who does the groceries?

·         Des, though she would drag Adam along to carry bags

who takes the longest to shower?

·         Des does

who spends the most time in the bathroom?

·         Again Des,  with the amount of hair she’s bound to.

MISCELLANEOUS.

is money a problem?

·         Nope

how many cars do they own?

·         Des’ very old seems to be falling apart car

what’s their song?

·         Hah I return to this later no idea for now

do they live in the city or in the country?

·         Wayhaven strikes me like smaller town?

do they own their home or do they rent?

·         Des’ rents her apartment, Adam lives in the Agency’s warehouse

do they enjoy their surroundings?

·         Des is very fine with the small town environment, not lot of people. Adam doesn’t seem to be enjoying it as much.

what do they do when they’re away from each other?

·         Work, think about each other, Des might even text Adam, but yeah work is usually at the first place

where did they first meet?

·         At work, introduced by Des’ mom, best and worst day of Adam’s life likely lol

who spends the most money when out shopping?

·         Des would

who’s more likely to flash their assets?

·         Neither

any mental issues?

·         Hah, Des has problems with depression and anxiety, is generally touch averse (though not sure that counts here), and now adding trauma with kidnapping and being experimented on... so that’s fun

who finds it amusing when the other trips over?

·         Neither. I mean in theory Des would but I cant see Adam trip over

who’s terrified of bugs?

·         Not terrified but Des isn’t a fan

who kills the spiders around the house?

·         Not kill but Des will ask Adam to relocate them, she would do so herself but if Adam is there well less anxiety.

do they have any fears for their future?

·         Hahaha well there’s the whole mortality thing that I think Adam thinks constantly about. Des is generally anxious about future but again won’t let it show.

their favourite place?

·         Hmmm no idea? But it could be the way from the station to Des’ apartment since I imagine Adam often walks her home.

who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?

·         Eh no fancy.

who pays the bills?

·         Each pays their own bills, if they’d live together they’d split

who’s the tallest

·         Adam is, but actually not by lot as Des is relatively tall

who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?

·         Hmmm Des? But she would ask before

who wanders around in their underwear?

·         Des does, especially in summer, might give Adam a stroke

who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?

·         Neither, Des does occasionally hums along

what do they tease each other about?

·         They don’t really? like Des knows how touch and emotions are difficult for Adam so she won’t tease him about that. Maybe when he tries to show off she would.

who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?

·         I mean cargo pants so....

who crushed first?

·         Hah Adam does. Des is more like ?????!!!!

any alcohol or substance related problems?

·         Nope, unless you count candy and sweets addiction

who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?

·         Des doesn’t drink and Adam likely cannot get drunk

who swears the most?

·         Des does swear a lot once she’s outside station.

[subsequentibis]

this is a DELIGHT to read, thank you so much for submitting it!! publishing for the aforementioned class, everyone pls take notes. p.s. i do have a wheelbarrow in my garage so if you ever need to transport sixteen stone of injured sea captain hit me up

-ibis

~~

hello, i’m fairly sure you know exactly which silly person is writing this at this point.  yes, it’s me again.  i really truly hope that this works and doesn’t do a weird thing, i’m a tiny bit alarmed about doing this.  i am a tiny nervous horse when it comes to internet stuff and i’ve attempted to proofread this maybe three times in order to put off actually sending this to you.  i guess i’m just going to have to get this over with, so here are my debatably comprehendable ideas, mostly exactly as they were written in yesterday’s four-hour spiral of madness.

breaking news: local goof observes a tumblr post and proceeds to attempt to hack reality in order to see if they could in theory achieve this.  am i ready to haul nearly six feet of incapacitated and extremely thick local captain to the nearest medical facility?  part of me says no, part of me says hell yeah.  let’s go find out.

okay, what do i get and what skills do i have.  (time to invent some rules for this strange game and figure out just what i’d do.  focusing on stephen and jack because they were the two characters you mentioned, this could probably apply to other characters but i’m going to only reckon with these as this project is strange enough as it currently stands.  i’m expecting this to quickly go off the rails.)  (note as i edit this over: this is extremely chaotic and you should be warned.  i thought way too much about this and it shows, and it kind of terrifies me, not only because of the baffling sentence structures (or lack thereof).  rereading this after having properly eaten and communicated with human beings for the day has shown me that i sound like an alien for much of this.  terribly sorry to sound like an alien, swear i’m human and just kind of a bit strange inside.)

so: i can have anything currently on the property where i currently reside (garage and driveway included) and all my real skills.

i cannot drive because:

i do not have the physical ability to drive

i do not have the legal ability to drive

i can’t get help from any other person: this is an imaginary situation where exists in this house just me and a fictional lad who needs to be got to a local medical facility.  (this is a very weird imaginary situation but honestly the peak of my own interests colliding.)

so what do i have here anyway (all of this is written assuming i personally am the one having to do this and am moving one of them from my place of residence to the nearest medical facility):

arms: not very strong (could potentially lift stephen since i can lift some of my friends and he’s both shorter and thinner, definitely cannot move jack an inch)

legs: i assume walking is not an option for reasons of either necessary speed of delivery or actually he cannot walk.  oh yeah and also reasons of narrative whatever.  continuing.

cars: cannot and will not drive, he is from the 1800s and cannot drive either, or in the case of stephen even if he could drive should not be trusted behind the wheel even in the peak of health.  anyway given this vague situation we none of us should be driving.

bikes (various): i’m a fairly good biker, i’ve got pretty good stamina and can haul rather well on my own bike.  with a little work (as seen in yon post) might be able to even sort of rig something up to perch stephen on my handlebars.  this will not function with jack.  *with a great deal of effort i drag him onto the front of the bike, wait a beat, then watch in horror as the bike tips back wheel up and dumps him back on the floor with an unpleasant thud* so that’s not going to work.

wheelbarrow: very cool and possibly functional plan.  unfortunately we do not have a wheelbarrow.  alas.

wagon: pros and cons.  pro: we can haul the boy in this.  con: we have to haul the boy.  the boy can fit in this in a balanced manner, but let me restate: my arms are not very strong and jack is near six feet of unhelpful heavy meat.  as usual this is more of a viable option for stephen.  but god jack is just a big dense boy and i’m just a wobbly little person with noodles for arms.

alright.  local noodle-armed goof is trying some new approaches regarding wagon/bikes: using my dad’s old bike with the board on the back and sort of tying him on there somehow so he faces backwards and sort of leans on me.  he could even put his feet in the little saddlebag things for balance!  although again i’d be worried about the sheer weight and size if i’m basically just dragging this man like a deceased sack of meat all the way to the hospital.  so that depends.  one more for the list of could potentially work with stephen.  (although if he was anything less than utterly out i would have zero luck getting either of them to take part in any of these increasingly ridiculous plans.) (actually, depending on the situation it might work out if he was in a certain mood?  anyhow, did not come here for these considerations.  only for increasingly less reasonable methods of transportation.) 

okay forging boldly onward.  if i don’t want to try to do a huge hill with the wagon and my little noodle arms and hundreds-odd pounds of floppy boat lad i could try to rig up something where i tie the wagon to the back of a bike, but that wouldn’t end well because on downhills it would slide forward unless i distributed the weight somehow to make the front of the bike heavier than the wagon… which is not gonna happen because that would either be impossible with the supplies i have or render the bike entirely nonfunctional.  leaving the wagon to clunk back and forth is also an issue given that i am trying to get this man medical attention asap and not actively make the situation worse.  i’ve done this wagon and bike thing before when both people involved were starting out fine and even that didn’t end well.  (in case you were wondering, we careened down the street crashing into one another and came to a stop by hitting a parked car.  we are all fine now and so is the car and we do not do things like this anymore.  it was a terrible idea that i regret every day.)  no go.

vacuum cleaner: bad idea.  no.  did i think of these as an option just because i have one and it has wheels?  i did, didn’t i.  do not attempt.

razor scooter: no.  why.  how.  please stop this.

boards: possibly a viable option.  we got skateboards, we got surfboards, we got actual just plain old wooden boards.  (none of the ones in my home actually belong to me, but ignore that bit.  trying to save a life here.)  probably the best route would be to stick some skateboards under something big enough to bear up an entire human person, slap a few pillows or something over top, and get shoving.  don’t ask about what happens when we get to the big hills.  (yeah i live in an area made entirely of hills and it’s a long steep way down and a long steep way up to get anywhere of interest, and if you’re on wheels then sucks to be you i guess.)  in retrospect perhaps not as good of an idea.

so i guess four hours later i’ve come to the precise conclusion that you did.

put stephen on a bike.  put jack in a wagon.  maybe learn to drive?  jury’s still out on that one.  anyway that was a fun four hours that i won’t regret spending this way at all no sirree.

alright!  hope this wasn’t too strange or unreadable!  have a nice day, you’re wonderful!

[wolfgabe]

Luigis Mansion 3 review

Now I will make one thing clear right now. I did not grow up with the original Luigis Mansion on Nintendo Gamecube, My introduction to the series came in the form of Dark Moon which then led me to the original LM remake on 3DS. And now I have just finished Luigis Mansion 3 the latest in the trilogy as well as the series return to a full fledged home console. How does it hold up  against its predecessors and is this a Hotel worth checking out? Well let’s find out shall we

NOTE This review will primarily be focusing on the main campaign of the game. I won’t be discussing any of the multiplayer modes since I have yet to get into those.

The story begins with Luigi and the rest of the Mario Gang having received an invitation to a 5 star luxury hotel known as the Last Resort and at first everything seems all fine and peaches but in no time at all in a somewhat sickening sense of Deja Vu it turns out the entire thing unsurprisingly was all a ruse perpetrated by Hotel Owner Hellen Gravely as part of a plot by King Boo to capture Luigi and friends. What I can’t help but enjoy in the games opening moments that classic sense of how its plainly obvious to the player something isn’t quite right. Yeah nothing suspicious about the hotel staff wearing creepy masks no sir. Fortunately Luigi manages to escape and inevitably ends up running into Professor E Gadd who ended up meeting a similar fate. From there it becomes a trek upward through the Last Resort to find your missing companions and stop whatever King Boo has planned. Fairly standard stuff for a Mario Story but its serviceable and gets the narrative out nice and clear.

Now onto the gameplay. If you are familiar with Dark Moon much of the combat will be highly familiar to you. You use your strobulb to flash ghosts which stuns them allowing you to vacuum them up. The Dark Light returns as well which pretty much serves the same functions as before One difference to the combat though comes in the form of the slam attack which more or less replaces the Power Surge from Dark Moon. In some ways I actually like this new change as it has applications both as a form of crowd control as well as a puzzle solving tool to an extent more on that in a bit. Another new ability is the burst which is triggered by pressing both shoulder buttons. This is primarily used as another form of crowd management during fights as well as a means to activate certain mechanisms as well as being used in some boss battles to either to dodge attacks or to help expose a bosses weak point. The third new ability is the suction shot which allows you to attach a plunger with a rope to an object which can then be pulled on. Next to the Dark Light the suction shot is probably your biggest puzzle solving tool period. Not only can it be used to destroy objects and furniture when combined with the slam but many of the games bosses practically require it. Don’t be surprised either if you find yourself compulsively firing plungers everywhere just to see what you can grab onto which is often rewarded with you finding more gold or collectibles. The final new skill and probably the most important one at that comes in the form of Gooigi a flubber esque doppleganger of Luigi that can be summoned at any time by pressing in on the right stick. You unlock him not far into the story but once you do this is where the game really starts to open up puzzle wise. Gooigi has a few distinct advantages over Luigi mainly being not effected by spikes and other hazards as well as being able to slip through pipes and metal grates to access new areas. But don’t think you can just use Gooigi all the time as his advantages are offset by a number of key weaknesses chief of which being he doesn’t handle water very well and he has less overall health than Luigi. These are pretty much all the skills you will be using through the whole game although there is one other ability you unlock relatively late in the game but its incredibly situational being only required once with other cases just being to retrieve a few optional collectibles.

Now how bout that Last Resort. The hotel itself is divided up between 17 floors total consisting of 15 main floors and two basement levels Unlike Dark Moon, Luigis Mansion 3 goes back to the single building setup of the first game but its amazing really how Next Level has managed to pack so much variety into a hotel. Initially you will be exploring typical hotel trappings such as state rooms, gift shops, and a dining area. However its not long before the floors start becoming more increasingly outlandish. One floor might have you exploring a medieval castle while in another floor you will be exploring a full fledged film studio to help a ghost director find his prized megaphone before ending up being cast in his own monster movie. Then you have a floor that somehow contains an entire Egyptian Pyramid riddled with booby traps. I could go on and on but I will keep the rest of the floors a secret so I don’t give everything away. Progression itself is relatively straight forward basically involving you traveling to a new floor solving some puzzles and fighting some ghosts before taking down the boss ghost of the area which generally rewards you with the elevator button to the next floor. If there is one niggle I have its that some floors seem somewhat more underutilized than others. Generally floors tend to alternate between being miniature dungeons and dedicated boss arenas. But I will say the more expansive floors really is where the level design really shines in the puzzle department The film studio floor being a major highlight with how you need to figure out the connections and interplay between various film sets. There were quite a few puzzles that actually did end up stumping me for a bit. Luigi’s focus on greater thinking and using your head is a perfect contrast to Mario’s general focus on platforming and action. The amount of interactivity packed into every area is impressive itself with each floor almost feeling like a miniature physics sandbox begging you to suck and smash everything. And your curiosity and rampant destruction is often rewarded with with piles of treasure or one of the floors 6 gems. The physics model is impressive in itself as smaller objects are easily brushed aside while larger items require your Poltergust to budge. It’s quite a treat especially during heated fight scenes with ghosts as you are slamming an enemy around and inadvertently smashing apart the room even more.

And I can’t help but discuss Luigi’s Mansion 3 without talking about the bosses. These are basically the successors to the portrait ghosts from the first Luigi’s Mansion and I will say without a doubt they are probably Luigi’s Mansion 3′s biggest highlight. These aren’t just glorified mini bosses that you have to take down for a key to another room, no these are full fledged bosses with their own fleshed out personalities and strategies. Each one serves as a perfect bookend to cap off their respective floor. A bumbling security guard with a squirt gun, a concert pianist with serious anger issues, a prehistoric caveman. an Egyptian ghost queen, and a trio of magician sisters are just a handful of the spooks you will encounter during your stay. I must admit I was surprised myself how many of the bosses can pose a decent challenge especially if you don’t know what your doing. These aren’t the typical Mario fare of 3 bops on the head and you’re done. Many of the later bosses especially will really test your knowledge and understanding of all your abilities in many cases forcing you to get creative with the tools you have. With one or two exceptions including a somewhat underwhelming final boss, these are probably some of the most memorable bosses I have seen in a Mario series game to date.

And the graphics, hot damn the graphics. The advancements made in graphics technology over the past 20 years has done wonders for video games in terms of presentation and Luigi’s Mansion 3 is a clear testament to that fact. In an age where developers seem to be trying to push more and more for the most realistic graphics possible, here you have companies like Nintendo to remind people that show that cartoon artstyles can really shine on modern hardware. Dark Moon was a wonderful showcase piece for the 3DS both graphically and technically although at times it felt like the game was a bit too much for the system it was made for. Now being free from the shackles of the weaker 3DS hardware has really allowed Next Level Games to go all out on the presentation and it definitely shows. The amount of care and detail packed into every corner of The Last Resort is second to none helping give every floor its own distinct identity. The games opening moments are a real treat with some pretty gorgeous lighting serving to highlight the initial grand opulence of the The Last Resort before the darkness takes over and the hotel reveals its true form. Its at this time the lighting really starts to shine with plenty of instances of dynamic lighting, shadows and reflections. Luigi’s Mansion 3 may lack the buttery smooth framerate of Super Mario Odyssey but I feel the sacrifice in performance has been justified and balanced out perfectly. Some of the performance warts from Dark Moon have also been lanced with the game maintaining a rock solid 30 frames per second throughout. And I can’t talk about graphics without discussing the animation quality. With Dark Moon Next Level was able to demonstrate how one can really highlight Luigi’s bumbling and cowardly personality and here that expressiveness has been cranked up to 11. I cant help but crack a smile  seeing Luigi shaking in terror at the presence of ghosts or reacting with surprise every time an elevator button magically flies out of his hand and screws itself into place . The bosses themselves are also a highlight with each one being wonderfully animated which helps highlight their personalities and quirks especially in the numerous cut scenes showing their interactions with Luigi which there are plenty of. I admit at times I couldn’t help but feel it was almost like I was looking at a borderline interactive Pixar movie. Each floor also has a ton of its own exclusive items and assets further cementing each floors sense of depth and identity.

There are also plenty of other little details and easter eggs to enjoy as well such as how you communicate with E Gadd using a modified Virtual Boy complete with a joke about the system’s absolute failure or the amount of pizza boxes that litter Mario’s hotel room. Or how about the fact that the boo and gem locator items you can purchase from E Gadd resemble actual Virtual Boy cartridges. And yes, you can in fact pet Polterpup in this game.

In terms of additional content each floor has 6 gems for you to find plus a Boo that appears once the floor has been cleared. The gems themselves  are the source of some of the games strongest puzzles often testing your abilities as well as your awareness of your surroundings. Hunting Boos is relatively similar to how it was in Dark Moon in that you examine the correct object based on the intensity of your controllers vibration then stun the Boo with your Dark Light before slamming it into submission. Both Gems and Boos provide a good incentive to revisit previous floors although the rewards you get for finding them all are relatively underwhelming mainly just being some minor cosmetic items.

To wrap things up there are a few minor gripes I have with the game. For one thing you are unable to remap controller bindings. Now this isn’t a major dealbreaker at all and the controls work fine for the most part but it can make certain actions such as using the dark light awkward since the dark light is mapped to the X button which makes it pretty much impossible to use the light and aim with the right analog stick at the same time. You do have the ability to aim via gyro controls but its mainly limited to just up and down. You can however make things a bit more comfortable by enabling move while poltergusting in the options menu. Some people may also be disappointed by the lack of interconnectedness between floors. Each floor is more or less its own self contained level which means you won’t be encountering any puzzles on one floor that effect the other. There are a few instances during the story when you will be required to revisit a previous floor but they are relatively far and few between. While there are the aforementioned items to purchase from E Gadd they basically amount to gold bones which act as extra lives and Boo and Gem locators which are somewhat pointless since no doubt many people will likely just resort to a guide to find the more obscure Boos and Gems. You will likely feel inclined to avoid spending as much as possible especially since like the first Luigi’s Mansion you are ranked at the end based on how much treasure you found.

On an additional note, I didn’t encounter any major glitches during the game except for a minor bug I ran into where the music suddenly cut out during a boss battle but that was pretty much it.

Ultimately, I find I highly enjoyed my stay in Luigi’s Mansion 3. This is no doubt one of my top picks for Nintendo Game of the Year. It may have taken over a decade but I think Luigi has finally cemented himself firmly and proven he can indeed stand  apart from his brother on his own two feet. If you decide to book a stay at The Last Resort you won’t be disappointed. I think its safe to say Next Level Games has cemented itself firmly as one of Nintendo’s top partner studios and I can only imagine what the future holds next for our favorite green underdog.

In the end I would rate Luigis Mansion 3 an 8/9 out of 10

EDIT Just a quick correction but I found the aiming issue can be in fact easily mitigated as the suction shot, strobulb, and dark light can all be activated with the L and R buttons.

[carrotnosewitch]

feeling blah? check your space. (long step-by-step)

my husband, who is probably the smartest and most spiritually awesome person i’ve ever known, has been trying to instill this kind of mental acuteness within me for years. sometimes i remember it, sometimes i forget. sometimes i remember it but it’s a high pain day. y’know how it is.

this is a little things kind of thing at first. a lot of my time is spent in front of my computer and a lot of it is spent on the sofa or in bed. but wherever i am, i try to keep my surrounding area clean.

why? well let me explain, both in a spiritual way, and for practical reasons.

in a small space, like my desk and on my side table of my bed, it’s imperative to feel open and spacious. if my side table or desk gets cluttered, i feel claustrophobic, or overwhelmed by Stuff. even if it’s things that are there to give me positive thoughts. If there are too many, it’s time to declutter.

a lot of people (anxiety sufferers, a-spec folks, adhd people) have this thing that makes them block out things that stick around for a while. things that stay in a static place for too long become background noise, but they give a feeling of clutter. it also sucks when you’re looking around you and you’re hit with a wave of knowing it’s there to make you feel better, but you’ve gotten mentally weary of that exact thing that’s been there for a long time.

So, go over this checklist with me.

 Things up on the wall near you. How long has it been there? Is it helping? Is it mental/visual clutter? If it’s not stimulating it you how it should, it’s time to take it down.

Your horizontal space beside you. Does it have a bunch of unnecessary clutter? Are there things in that space that don’t have any important or special reason for being there? If you can, remove all the clutter, and re-arrange the important things to suit your space better. Don’t move things you have a reflex of it being there. (Y’know. tissue boxes, meds, your tablet pen, etc) 

Your outer bubble. Are there things in your immediate area beyond where you’re sitting which is distracting you or making you feel nervous, claustrophobic, or overwhelmed? Do your best to find a solution to this problem. Clean up, brighten the area, and put something there that helps you relax. 

Another big help is getting your whole area clean. Don’t push yourself to do everything at once. Take your time to do a little here and there, don’t rush yourself or stress yourself out about it. This is an in-depth reason for keeping things clean, how to feel super accomplished even in the littlest tasks, and respecting your own area. Here’s YA BIG ASS LIST.

Your bedroom: Clothes. are there dirty clothes around you, or clean clothes that haven’t been put away? Do yourself a favor and unclutter this first. Take all the dirty clothes you’ve been tripping over and sort them into light and dark piles. Put those light and dark piles. now you can start putting your clothes away. how i do this is i sort my clean clothes by what they are and which drawer they go. then i fold them and put them away. it gives me a chance to stretch and pop my back between the steps. And that’s like, six whole steps. now you’ve got two clean baskets (presumably) that you can use to put your dark and lights into for easier laundry. This is usually the worst and most draining job of the bedroom. break it into easy to do steps. drink some water while you’re doing it, just to make sure your joints aren’t getting tired while sorting and folding and putting away! Dishes. Are there any dishes in your room? Even if they’re stinky and weird, bring them into your kitchen. Get a clean glass for your water. Hey! that only took a few minutes, I’m sure. Give yourself a rest. A+ cleaning, and I’m not being condescending. That’s a great job! Garbage. I’m sure you’ve got some papers or snack wrappers, or drink cans/bottles/disposable cups. go from the door of your room with a plastic bag, gather stuff up as you pass by it. bring that out of your room, and suddenly you don’t feel like you live in a landfill. Bedding. How long have you been sleeping in between the same top cover and sheet? When’s the last time you changed out your pillowcase? It’s time for a change. remove them, throw them in a pile, and put some clean ones on. If you don’t have other ones, wash those and once they’re dry, put them back on. You’ll feel cleaner and get to sleep better. Clutter. Hell, this is me all over. I’ve got too much cool stuff and paperwork cluttering my shelves. I follow the six month rule with paperwork, clothes, and useful stuff that barely gets use. Are you going to need it or use it within six months? If no, get rid of it or pack it away. Bring the clothes to your local thrift store if you can. If you’ve got decorations that have gotten dusty or grimy, take one of your bored days to clean them up. not only will you be doing something that makes you happy, but it’ll make your room far less apt to accrue negative energy. Your knickknacks bring you joy. Treat them respectfully! Floor: Vacuum. get the dust, dead skin, and whatever else up out of there. Side note: If you are having bad dreams, there’s a few neato things you can do to help you sleep. Some people swear by amethyst under your pillow. Some others suggest other stones. idk about y’all but stones under my pillow are somehow worse than troubles with dreams or sleep. I prefer sachets for in your pillowcase. even if you aren’t the best at sewing, you can do this. Just get a tiny white fabric baggie. whatever works for you. Just make sure it’s secure, so the herbs don’t get loose and make your bed an itchfest. lavender is the primary scent people go with, though I’m not the biggest on that scent. anise is another one that works, because this is silly but true: it’s shaped like a star. cedar, since the middle ages, has been thought to cure persistent nightmares, and open you to lucid dreaming. jasmine is such an awesome flower and scent, so mellow and enchanting. i’d suggest this because of its calming and kind vibe. find dried jasmine and add it to the bag. there’s a ridiculous many herbs worth exploring here. If you want to get spicy with it, I suggest adding a sigil or even an amulet of the one you want to look over you in your sleep. I use an amulet of the archangel Gabriel, who presides over dreams and sleep.

Your Bathroom: Your area rugs. These little buggers need to be washed. They’re usually made of fabric. Fabric that hangs out in your dampest room, no less. You probably don’t think of it often, but mildew is not a good thing for your health, and those things get mildew like crazy. Time for the washer and dryer again! Your towels and washcloths. How long has that washcloth been chilling there? Okay, if it dries and becomes a stiff nasty mess? Time to switch them out. Towels (especially hand towels) need to be washed frequently, too. Not only because the mildew thing is still y’know. a thing. but you deserve to be cleaned by clean things. it’s better for your body, and it’s so good for your spirit, to know that you’re doing right by yourself. Your place you keep things. You know, that place you keep your products, makeup, whatever. Is it in disarray on a messy shelf or counter? Time to fix that up! Set all those things aside, clean the surface they’ve been chilling on. Then you can get things sorted and aligned. Did you know straight lines are satisfying? Try it. Also if you have a candle in there, just light it for a little bit. Not only is it trés romantic and luxurious, but it burns the stank out of there, not just physically, but otherwise, as well.  Your toilet. Not only the bowl. The bottomside of the seat, and the hinges that attach the seat and lid. and back behind those hinges, where the shitter meets the tank. Goodbye stink goblins! Also bye that general gross feeling.  Your tub. You dissociate there a lot, think your thoughts, and get clean, but that means your dead skin, hair, and oils are all over that. I personally use either orange cleaning solution or magic erasers, and those fucking rock that shit out. Oh, don’t forget to de-hair your drain. Gross nasty gluck. Personally, my mom told me to stop associating those oils, hair, and all that other stuff with yourself. (and nail clippings.) This makes sure you don’t wind up getting hexed. (Those nail clippings and that nasty hair can VERY easily be used in a hex bag.)  Your sink and mirror. First off, how the hell are you going to take bathroom selfies if this makes you always internally go “yikes”, and not at yourself. Scrub the toothpaste grit from around and in the sink. Side note: If you don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror, you can set rose incense near the mirror, use that hypothetical bathroom candle, and turn the light off. Speak into the mirror, “I am the best me so far.” or something similar. Remind yourself that you are okay, no matter what kind of imperfections you think are there. You are incredible. Nobody’s seeing your flaws because they’re too busy fretting about their own. It’s cool. you’re cool.  Floor. while those stinky area rugs are out and on their way to the large cloth water vortex, take a minute to sweep. Envision yourself sweeping away not only the garbage and grut, but the anxiety and bad feelings. Dustpan, garbage, good. Trash. I left this for last. You’ve got a lot of stuff you’ll need thrown out.  If you use a plastic shopping bag in a tiny little garbage pail like i do, it’s time to clean it out. If you’re also a nasty bitch like me, you’ve gotta also put the stuff that missed the garbage can in there too. Go take that to your main trash to go out with you next time you leave your place. Well now your bathroom is flawless and won’t make you subconsciously make you anxious. You’ve got things looking like they’re almost meant to like, exist in the fictional world Jenna Marbles apparently lives. 

Kitchen: Fridge: Clean out all the nasty shit. Wipe it down. Put the containers over near the sink to wash. Dishes. Do you have piles of these nasty bitches fucking up your day, every time you go on a raid for sustenance? First step is to gather them, then take your time for each step. Wash them. Put them away. As you do this, speak to yourself, chant to yourself, or just think to yourself, that by cleaning these, you are doing right and fair to your body. a clean dish is a healthy dish. a clean pan is a pan that will cook happy foods. This whole room is capable of so much, and can do so much for your joy and health.  Sink. After you’re done cleaning the dishes, you can unstink your sink. Again, I’m all about that orange solution, but if you like another scent that makes you feel energized, go for it. This is the part of the kitchen that shares like, a third of the work. This is where all the negative and gross goes. Down the drain both physically and emotionally. Get the fuck out of here, nasty! Counters. Just wipe them down until they’re not nasty and crumb-laden and have spatters on them. tell them that they’re going to do great things for you. If you’re a kitchen witch, you’re making all your cool shit on them. Stove/microwave/the heaty thingy. Ungrut it. our friend the stovetop is the unfortunate victim of nasty cooked on things. So is our screwy science friend, the microwave. Scrubby dubby! sometimes you’ll need to soak ‘em. Whatever makes it easier for you.  Floor. It’s time to sweep! again, take that broom and use it, not just to get rid of sugar, cereal and even the dried corns nibblets that fell under the fridge, but the negative energies. again, be firm about it. Fuck outta here, dark spookies! carefully pour the stuff in your garbage. Ya Cabinets. Before you pull out the mop and bucket, don’t forget the surfaces of the cabinets. A Happier kitchen is a kitchen that doesn’t tell you the story of the ill-begotten incident of the chicken parm. You see that squidge of marinara on the cabinet door and have been annoyed by it since it was made. Time to get it gone.  All the while, think about the things these cabinets have seen. All the weird utensils you never use that live in this drawer. The fondue machine you bought with the aspirations of having a 70s night get together, as told to you by that very convincing guy at IKEA. Think of all these cool things in your kitchen. Focus on the positive moments you’ve spent in here. Picture the future of this kitchen. And thank it for the memories to come. Floor 2: Slippery Boogaloo. Mop and bucket time!!! No seriously if you don’t like mopping, idk what to say. Do your kitchen a solid and scrub away all that nasty crap that didn’t make it into the dust pan. Once you’re done and it’s drying, feel fucking awesome about a job well done.  Side note: Hey y’know what kicks ass in a kitchen? The scent of the season. A lot of people get down with the welsh calendar, and that’s a great way of cycling through the seasons comfortably for people. then there’s the regular four seasons, but do it how you want. It’s imbolc as of the time I’m writing this. I personally love cinnamon and sandalwood, since they’re both wonderfully warm scents, to balance out the wintry shivers of the outside. You can use essence oils, or like, airwicks, or candles, or even make a wreath with those fun things in there that are aromatic on one of your walls. 

Living room Seriously, all these hot takes can be used in the living room now. Clean under and between the couch cushions. clean your decorations. declutter. Remember the good times as you clean. And then to cleanse it of all the gross energies, do what you do. Use white and sweet flower/herb scents to reset the most important room of your house’s energies.  Side note: If you want to keep your stuff from disappearing, place a pin safely deep under your couch/chair cushion. This is called pinning the devil. you’re literally pinning down whatever it is that’s keeping you from finding - or straight up disappearing - your stuff. If you have guardians - decorations of animals of some sort - make sure they have a full spy of the room. I prefer putting one on each corner of the room so everything can be seen. This makes sure the energy you want in your home is respected. If someone has bad intentions, this will give off a vibe of them being unwelcome and feel your guardians’ eyes on them. If they’re someone that you appreciate, and you feel comfortable around, these guardians will keep things nice for you and give your home a welcoming feeling. don’t forget to dust them. 

[imsarahcate]

I’m really proud of myself, I have to be honest.  It’s been a little over 2 months since KW got married and “moved out”  (I mean, there’s still a LOT of her stuff that she hasn’t shifted yet but we’re getting there… piece by piece).

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I’ve done a little bit of work each week to try and rearrange the house in bits and pieces.  With my new little magnetic dry erase calendar, I’m keeping on top of chores without getting overwhelmed or overdoing it.  For example, I had vacuuming the living room and kitchen on the calendar for yesterday but I wasn’t up to it.  Today, I did both room, one at a time with a long break in between.  

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I’m keeping up with the animal chores, and I think the calm of it all is actually making the animals calmer too.  I love KW to death, but she does get frustrated and make things MORE complicated instead of less in her frustration.  But because I’ve got things rolling… pretty smoothly … EVERYONE including me, spends a lot less time frustrated and tripping over each other.  

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And the more I get done, and the more stuff she takes to the apartment- the easier it gets for me to keep up with everything here.  

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We’ll see how things go as the weather gets colder… it does get harder and harder for me to just.. .function when it gets cold- so hopefully it won’t be a really terrible winter. :fingers crossed:.

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But right now, I’m feeling pretty encouraged.  For most of my life, once I’d realized I wasn’t going to die at 18, I kind of thought living alone would be out of the question.  My mental health was just… never good enough- full stop.  And while financially I’d hardly be termed independent (thank god for KW’s continued support), the mere fact that I can exist in this house without my whole brain sprialing out of control is something I never anticipated.

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I’ve always been SO mentally unwell.  I’ve had a hard time taking basic care of myself when living alone.  That’s one reason living with Kris was such a blessing for so long  you know?  At our best times, I WAS relatively financially independent, but I was also not alone.  There was someone noticing if I didn’t eat, or if I was too quiet, or not leaving the house anymore.  I needed that, for a long time.

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And I’m so happy that now- well… I don’t need that.  Not right now anyway.  And I know part of that is me, and part of it is CityDad and Fam, and part of it is the animals, and part of it is having Kristie in my life, and part of it ties all the way back to SuperTherapist and all the work I did back then.

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I was digging for something today (which I didn’t find) and came across the journaling I kept during therapy.  And it was like… reading the emotions of an entirely different person.  I felt so much hurt and so much anger SO incredibly deeply when I was in therapy.  I was made up entirely of pain and fear and anger, coated in a casing of pure self-loathing.

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And I can sort of remembering feeling all of that- but I don’t… FEEL it anymore.  Not even a little bit.  I mean, yeah, I struggle still with my self-image… it’s never easy to be fat in this world, or disabled, or queer, much less all of the above.  But the struggle I have now is … it’s so divorced from all of that pain.  I can remember- just feeling pure pain all the time in my heart.  Feeling like everything was 100% worthless and pointless.  

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I spent YEARS after I turned 18 just… completely lost.  I’d never expected to live that long.  So 21, and 25, and 30… it was just… HOW?  And at 29 I got sick and it was the first time I really realized that for the first time in my life- I didn’t want to die.  Not just that, but I really REALLY wanted to live.  And that was such a foreign idea for me, even at that point when I’d done all the work with SuperTherapist.  

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To sit in a Dr.’s Office and be told you have stage 3 cancer, that it’s advanced, that it’s in a lymph node too… and to suddenly feel- with every fiber of your being: This. Isn’t. Over.  I don’t want this to be over.

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When you’ve spent your whole life wishing for nothing else.

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And it’s wonderful, I mean.. no shit sucks, and I’m poor as fuck and I’m disabled and I literally hurt physically every minute of every day.  But my life as a whole now, compared to my life as a whole back then… is so incredible.  And I won’t say I wouldn’t trade it for the world- I would.  I’d give up this pain in an instant if someone had a way to take it.  But the rest of it, the headspace I live in, my family, my SISTER for god’s sake.  A person I LOVE who loves me, a project I believe it, people who support my endeavors and my art and my goals.

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I never thought I’d be mentally well enough for any of these things.  

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And that, even if everything else was absolute shit, is wonderful.  

[onism21]

how much can i blame my parents?

the rhetorical criticism // how much of my current state is because of the faults of my upbringing? can I blame my forbearers indefinitely? is it really all about what those who guide you teach you? the fact that I didn't know, or just learned recently, is still not enough to explain why I'm so...bad at certain common-sense adulty things?? today, I wanted to quit my job, second day in. I message my boyfriend, I feel like a failure, a loser; I have nothing to show for my life; after 11 years of college I’m....a nanny, thinking about applying to graduate school, but I am haunted by the newfound realization that I am wildly underprepared. recommendations? working towards this since high school? actively thinking of the future, saving for it? HA.  time doesn’t flow in a linear fashion for me; every day is a Monday; what does it mean to have structure and limitations or expectations for certain social or personal artifacts? breakfast food is anything; dessert is before savory food; there is no such thing as 1 minute from the present moment; authority is not to be followed. am I doomed, forsaken from the start? being a ward of the state, having no foundation of trust or discipline, moving more times than I can willingly recall with more foster families than I can repress, living a childhood where there was no such thing as future, even thinking about dinnertime wasn’t a daily occurrence. much of my childhood I was feral. it wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I realized how destitute of a human I was produced to, I survived into.  i want to go to grad school. my talents are empathy and conversation, and the idea of being an old lady and a professor tickle me pink. I have more than enough intelligence, just nothing to show for it. not even a respectable GPA (it’s a 2.3...academic probation for lack of consistency in my attendance and technology, my work schedule and sleep schedule, my mental health and my physical wellness, my homelessness, and my trying to be better.  I looked at my past classes, the grades received and the teachers, if they might remember me. I didn’t remember any of them, none stuck out. is it my fault that I never thought to become friendly with my teachers? is this knowledge that every person automatically knows, or is assumed, or is told by someone with the experience? is it as simple as, I should have Googled it sooner? is the blame mine, or the situation that brought me up and here, to this moment, to this realization that I am, potentially and probably, fucked? I got home from work and started to furiously distract myself by cleaning the messy house. my boyfriend decided to help by vacuuming, then stopped because he was blinded with a fury that the vacuum cleaner was clogged with shards of glass. glass shards I cleaned up the other week, on two separate occasions, both of which I could assume he knew since the vacuum cleaner had been left in the bathroom where the glass broke this past week. he told me to never suck up glass, ever, in any vacuum. how could you not know, he asked. I didn’t want to say, much because all the times I explained to him that I just didn’t fucking know*, no one taught me/told me/showed me,* he told me that ‘excuse’ wasn’t valid. resigned, whatever.  when I needed help buying a new used car, it was up to me to already have the tools of knowledge and confidence of experience; when I said I never took care of a child, and have no experience therefore wouldn’t make a good babysitter, he told me that’s not right that I’ve never taken care of a little pure baby (where was I supposed to get a baby to practice on? just materialize it out of my own ovary variously throughout my life??); when I didn’t know it was essential to brown-nose your boss, it was my assholery that I was upset that he didn’t key me in on such a life hack; I think he realized, because, now sweetly, he said, while more tenderly fishing glass pieces out of a dusty cloth filter “I really need to give you adult life lessons for some things...”, yea man, I agree(d). I wondered where this awareness and sympathy has been all those other times when I said, I didn’t know and how could I when no one taught me? he doesn’t know I’ve never owned my own vacuum cleaner, just a shop vac (which apparently is OK to suck glass up with, he says). I’ve never bought a car at a dealership and I never had to worry about trying to win my job back. I ask him, like I want to ask society, is it really my fault that I am so stupid when it comes to such things? is it really that our parents, or whoever teaches us and guides us, set us up for success? how much of common sense is really knowledge passed down, from loving adult to novice child? then what about the kids who are destitute or feral, who grow up into these adults who don’t know the meaning of mealtime appropriate foods.  is it histrionic, to want the society to be understanding, to bend to the rare occasions where a doomed child from below the poverty level with no stability or parental figure manages to not be a complete degenerate?  I understand that grades are important, and having the accolades and publications and decade-long relevant job history are better than not. but what about those who don’t, are they (we) just fucked, barred from bettering ourselves past the bare minimum of not being a crackhead under a bridge on her 7th wedlock pregnancy? have I just been so wrong, for so long, blamelessly, that I’m am just ‘’sorry, out of luck, try again in the next life’’? and if so, is that okay? is that’s okay for our society, of our education system, to categorize people who are, well, inadequate by strict standards? is my collective experience, my desire, and passion to help and learn, to leave the world with less of what I’ve been through, worthless than? in this society where a degree and academic pedigree is more important in a career than morality and duty?  (my friend fucked one of her professors because she didn’t want to fail the class which she was going to. she managed an affair with the man while his wife was expecting their first child, and got her degree, that she doesn’t use. a degree I wanted to get, but couldn’t because I failed the same course twice, and I gave up on the entire program. maybe I should have fucked my teacher. maybe the ends justify the means. maybe, at the standpoint and positionality, I’m in, it’s required.) at the end of the cleaning spree, long after the vacuum tragedy was resolved, my boyfriend picked up the Swiffer Mop’s head and put the now-blackened used pad in my face. “Doesn’t this absolutely gross you out?” I told him it didn’t. He didn’t compute how I could say that. “But this is in our HOUSE. We step on this...ON OUR SOCKS,” as if I didn’t realize we were inside a home. I told him that while I recognized it was fucking filthy, I also have been in way worse of a home. Outside, where I stepped out to have a smoke of a joint, he followed, utterly dumbfounded. “Yea, but, you can be better.” I looked at his peanut-shaped head. “I’m not better than that pad?” He laughed, realizing he wasn’t getting his point across. He told me that it was also about what I texted him earlier, about feeling like I’m doomed. “You have to set the bar higher, and keep working towards better, and never stop, just keep going, and keep thinking positively,”. I said I understood and agreed but wasn’t sure how this tied into the dirty pad from cleaning the floors. I explained, not for the first time to him, about one such home, when I lived with Leslie and her kids. The house sagged into the dirt it was so saturated with cat piss, and there was no such thing as empty floor space or letting the animals outside to shit, or having clean towels or a functioning bed to sleep (we slept on dirty mountains of clothes). He said that, why wouldn’t I want to be better, when obviously he was mistaken. “I’m not better than that?” I asked, now utterly fucking confused. “No, you are, I’m just saying...” I don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, either, other than I’m sorry I don’t know, I should know better, whatever it is, apparently.  "You know that's not normal," he said, referencing the reference I made to living with Leslie. "Yes, I'm am incredibly aware of how not normal my upbringing was. I think I'm better than it, I'm not living in squalor, I'm just not offended by the dirt the mop picked up, citing that I've literally grown up in environments that were considered illegal to inhabit," i strained to not take this personally. what reference or context did he have to what I've ever tried to explain? I am better than I was produced, I do set the bar higher, ergo I'm trying to get into graduate school, and I have come so far from where I landed when I was unceremoniously pushed out of my mother's vagina 28 years ago. At least I think so, considering everything. My own boyfriend doesn't realize, I think. Then, how could I get a graduate program's admission committee to realize?