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#which is my responsibility and i will hold myself to it.
vanfleeter · 3 days
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My Love: Chapter 3
Characters: Jake Kiszka x Sara Warnings: 18+ || Language. Gore. Mentions of blood. Dead body. Stabbing. Angst. Threats. Betrayal. Smut. Allusions to sex. (let me know if I missed anything so I can add it.) A/N: Posting this early because I have a family reunion tomorrow and won't have time to do all the tags ;) ENJOY!
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The morning soon comes and the dread of leaving her fills my body. Her own is draped over mine, her legs entangled with mine and her arm draped over my chest. Her chest expands with each breath she inhales. I absentmindedly trace the curve of her bare shoulder. Leaving her for who knows how long is going to be absolutely horrible. I’ve never gone more than two days without seeing her, and even then it was never a good feeling.
I would miss her entirely too much. And who would protect her while I’m away? Surely not my own brothers. Not when they have their own responsibilities.
Looking down at Sara once more, I gently kiss her forehead. She stirs slightly but moves to rest her head on my shoulder before her body relaxes again. Carefully I slide out from beneath, careful not to wake her. After redressing, I leave her a note on the pillow, informing her of my departure but that I will be home as soon as I can, and then I am leaving.
Chris had sent a car to pick me up, almost as if he’s assuming that I cannot drive myself to the airport. Though seeing his presence inside when the door is pulled open is quite the surprise. He gives me a smile and holds out a glass of whiskey.
“Surprised?” He says as I slide inside the car.
“I thought I would be meeting you in Boston?” I say as I swirl the amber liquid in the glass.
“I figured we could ride there together.. Discuss the murders of this newborn.”
I hum in acknowledgement and take a drink of the whiskey. “Soo.. Any updates on this newborn? Any witnesses?”
“Well,” He takes a drink from his own before continuing. “Any witnesses would no doubt have been murdered..” He shifts in the seat. “I had the body of the latest victim brought to somewhere private.”
“How did you get it from the coroner?”
Chris smirks. “The same way I always do..”
I roll my eyes and finish off my drink. “One of these days, your little trick won’t work.”
Chris shrugs his shoulders. “We’ll see about that.”
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The rest of the ride was quiet, save for the soft blues music playing over the speakers. My mind drifted off to Sara. A couple hours into the trip, I received a text from her. A solemn one, wishing she could have seen me to say goodbye before I had left. I do agree that I wish I would have woken her up but I had kept her awake late the night before, tangled in the sheets of the guest bed. She needs her rest, unlike myself, for she is still a human. God, how am I to survive this trip for who-knows-how-long before I can get my hands back on her body?
I left strict instructions for Josh to keep his eye on Sara while I’m away. Though I know she is capable of handling herself, I still want some form of protection around her with this supposed newborn on the loose.
Why must I be roped in to solve this problem? Sometimes I curse myself for possessing so much knowledge on how they operate. There have been no dealings with newborns since.. Well, since myself and my brothers. And that was nearly five hundred years ago. So how did this newborn come about? Especially here? We know of all of the vampires within North America, all of whom are in their respective areas and living as normal as possible. None of which have been careless to kill another soul, nor turn someone.
Chris shoves my knee and nods his head towards the door. Looking over I find the driver holding the door open. Sliding out from the car, I step out onto the pavement and adjust the ring on my right ring finger. Chris leads me into the nearest alleyway and to a solid wood door. He knocks a few times in a certain pattern and soon the door is being opened. I follow him inside and the door is shut tightly behind us. Candles flicker to life along the walls, illuminating a long hallway and there he leads me down to a separate room guarded by two taller men. Men that I’ve never seen before.
They let us through the guarded doorway and we enter into what I presume is the makeshift autopsy room. The body of the latest victim is laid out on a table, a female, a sheet covering most of her body except for her neck. For obvious reasons.
“This is–” Chris starts before I stop.
“I do not wish to know,” I say, holding up my hand to silence him.
He nods his head and steps around the table. “I have forgotten that you do not like knowing who they are.. Too personal.”
It is too personal. Even though it is not my doing, I do not want to know who they are, for the guilt would be too much. Looking down at the woman again, all I can see is Sara. The guilt of leaving her alone fills me more than the secondhand guilt of this woman’s untimely death.
“The gashes on her neck indicate to me that this newborn has no self control.” I say as I bend down closer to examine the woman’s neck better. “He ripped out her jugular vein when he was done feeding.”
“You suspect it to be a male?”
“I’ve learned newborn males have less control than the females do. They feel less guilt, even less so if they have learned how to turn off their emotions. The females, before they learn of the switch, are more likely to be guilt ridden just from feeding on a human. Newborns also have yet to learn how to compel someone to relax and to not be scared.”
“Is that what you did with Sara?” Chris says, making my head snap upwards to glare at him. “What? No human in their right mind would fall in love with a vampire.. They only say they would because we are romanticized in movies and tv shows.”
“She fell in love before I had told her what I was.”
“What, not a who.” Chris hums as he circles the table again. “Interesting.”
I straighten back up and clear my throat. “I’m going to talk to the locals, see if they know of any newborns running around here.”
Turning away from the body, I leave the room and make my way back down the hall and out to the alley. My phone rings in my pocket and I pull it out to see Sara calling. Timing could not have been better.
“Hello love,” I say when I answer the call. “I was just thinking about you. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to call.. I miss you already.”
I smile and turn on my heels to go back out to the street. “I miss you too.. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer for you to say goodbye this morning.. I fear that I wouldn’t have left if I did let you say goodbye.”
“And what makes you say that?”
I chuckle. “You may be human, but you have this way of making me do things against my will.”
“Oh really? I was not aware that I could.”
“Mmhmm..”
She giggles, the sweet melody filling my ears. “How long do you think you’ll be gone?”
“Honestly? I’m not sure.. I’m on my way to talk with some of the local vampires around here to see if they know of any newborns.”
“Ah well, I will let you go-”
“Wait!” I exclaim. “I want you to do something for me.”
“And what would that be?”
“Every night before we go to bed and every morning, I want you to call me.”
“Okay?”
“I.. I just want to know that you are safe.”
“Are you afraid this newborn might make his way inwards?”
“I don’t know.. But just please call me.”
“Okay, I will.” She says.
Chris steps up beside me and I glance over to him before going back to the phone call. “I have to go, I’ll talk to you tonight.” I say before hanging up.
“No ‘I love you’?” He questions as he sticks a cigarette in his mouth and lights one. He offers me the pack but I decline.
“I should get going. The sooner we find this newborn, the sooner I can get home.”
“Missing your human already?” He teases.
I roll my eyes and turn to face him. “I get it, alright? You don’t approve of our relationship, but last time I checked, it’s none of your concern. I do not care what you have to think about it.”
Chris’s demeanor changes and he pins me to the nearest brick wall with his hand gripping my throat tightly. “And the last time that I checked, I am the one who turned you and your brothers. So I would be careful how you speak to me.. I turned you, and I can easily get rid of you.” I claw at his hand, trying to free myself from his grasp. “I’m not just here to catch this newborn, Jacob.. Onyx sent me here to take care of that human.. I do not want to hurt her, because I know how much you love her, and it would pain me to see you go through the pain of losing someone again.. So, do not cross me again and we won’t have problems. Am I understood?” I nod my head and he drops me to the ground. “Good.. Now go talk to the locals and try to find out any information.”
Standing back to my feet, I straighten out my clothes. I wait until he gets into the car and it drives off before I start going down the street. There’s a clan of vampires that don’t live too far from here. They own a small boutique that’s open at all hours. They had to have seen something.
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The bells chime above me as I push the door open. The air conditioner is blasted on high, already chilling me to bone. As if I wasn’t already cold to begin with.
“Jacob Kiszka..” I hear a male call as he steps out from behind the counter. “I have not seen you in a very long time.”
“Hey Anthony,” I say as we hug. “It’s been what–sixty years?”
Anthony chuckles. “Try eighty four. I’m wasting away like Rose from the Titanic.”
I playfully roll my eyes as we pull away. “At least you survived the Titanic.”
“So did she!”
“She’s fictional!” I laugh.
“Alright, alright.. What brings you up here anyways?”
“There’s a newborn on the loose.. Leaving bodies along the coast.”
Anthony hums and turns around to go back to the counter. “A newborn you say?”
“I guess so..”
“You guess so?” Anthony says. “You aren’t sure?”
I shrug my shoulders and lean on the counter. “This last victim is consistent with the patterns of a newborn..”
“You would know,” Anthony smirks. “Though I sense a ‘but’ coming.”
“But…” I lean on my chin. “I feel like there’s something off about this.. Yes, newborns can be erratic and uncontrollable, but this seems messy.”
“Well they are newborns. They crave blood and that’s all they want, they don’t care about being clean.”
“I know, I know, but still.. This doesn’t feel like a newborn.”
“I can tell you that I haven’t seen a newborn running around here. Their scent is very distinguished for the first year. If there was a new one, we would’ve known already.”
“That’s it!” I say as I push off the counter. “Anthony, you’re a genius.”
“Well I did study at Oxford so..”
“I gotta go.”
“Don’t fucking disappear for another eighty-four years, got it?”
I chuckle and shove open the door. “I got it.” I say before stepping out of the boutique and back out to the street. Going back down the street and slipping down the alleyway, I knock on the door in the same pattern that Chris had done moments ago. The door is pulled open and I am allowed inside. Making my way down the same hallway, the candles lighting up as I go. Finding the room again, the guards stare at me before allowing me to pass. If I had just a few more inches added to my height, I wouldn’t feel so intimidated by them.
Closing the door behind me, I walk over to the table and pull the white sheet away from the woman’s face. Leaning in close to her neck, I take a long sniff. Her scent mixed with the dried blood has me clenching my jaw. A secondary scent lingers lightly.
Not a newborn.
It’s a familiar scent.
Taking another whiff, the realization dawns on me. My blood stills and a chill runs down my spine. This is definitely not a newborn. Rather someone experienced. Someone who knows exactly what they are doing but chooses to be reckless.
“I always knew you were the smart one..” Turning around, I am faced with Chris. A knowing look on his face.
“It was you..” I say as the pieces finally fit together in my mind. “You have been the one terrorizing the coast..”
“Twas I..” He sighs. “I’m surprised it took you this quick to figure it out.”
“Why are you doing this?” I say as I walk around the table, putting distance between us. “Why bring me into this? Were you trying to get caught on purpose?”
Chris chuckles. “It was indeed a ploy to get you involved and away from home..” The wicked gleam shines in his eyes. “Remember what I told you earlier.. I was sent here to take care of Sara.. I needed you to be distracted. Though I really was hoping that you would have taken slightly longer to figure it all out.”
“Chris, you said it yourself you didn’t want to see me go through this pain again. Why are you doing this?”
“Because Jacob, you have broken the rule.. You didn’t think you could hide this from the Onyx, did you? They know all and they see all.”
“No, you can’t let them do that!”
I start to lunge at him but he only grips my neck again. I feel something pierce through my chest and I look down to see the silver dagger that Josh threatened me with just last night. I look back up at Chris, betrayal evident in my eyes.
“How could you?”
“I’m sorry,” Were the last words to leave his mouth before I fell into darkness.
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if i have missed you and you would like to added to the taglist for this, please do not hesitate to comment or message me!
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spookyquill · 2 days
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Hi! Saw you're taking JJK requests and here I am. I'm sick and just not getting out of bed so kind of wanted a fic with Satoru where hebwas away for a mission and got back only to find his wife sick (like, nothing life threatening. Just a cold or fever or something) so he decides to take care of her but she feels bad because he's so busy and has to 'deal with her being sick', especially after he just got back from a mission. Thank you so much if you decide to do it! I'm on a different account right now but please tag @ladyodpandemonium if you write the fic so I can catch it. Big thanks!!!
Apologies for the delay, trying to focus on myself and that includes letting some requests go. But I have some drafts ready to post so look out for them.
@ladyodpandemonium
~•~
Bleary eyes open, your head pounding despite the long rest you just took. Snot drips down from your nose and onto the pillow you rest on. With a disgusted groan, you reach over to your bed side table and pull out a couple tissues from the box. As you hold the tissues to your nose, you take notice of the other things occupying your table.
A couple boxes of pills and a glass of water sit there idly next to the box of tissues. They had not been there when you collapsed on your bed. You didn’t even think of those things. Which really meant only one thing.
Gojo kneeled in front of you, his concern etched on his face as he gently tucked your hair behind your ear.
You groan in contentment. “You’re supposed to be on a mission.”
“I’ve completed that. I came home expecting you to be doing pointless chores or something, but instead I’ve found you cuddled up sick in bed.” Gojo sighs, moving his hand to cup your cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve left the mission early to come take care of you.”
You lean into his touch, his palm cool against your flush skin. “I didn’t want to disturb you- wait.” You lift your head up, looking for your phone. “What day is it?”
Gojo gently guided your head back to your pillow, silencing your search. “It’s Thursday. How long have you been sick for?”
Panic washes over you. “Shit. I came to bed on Tuesday. Shit I overslept!” You sit up, ignoring the pulsing headache beginning to take shape. “Why didn’t my alarm go off?!”
Gojo is quick to stop your attempts to get up, standing and keeping your ass on the mattress with his hand on your shoulders. “You obviously needed the sleep. Stay in bed, you need to rest.” When you stop fighting against him, mainly because of the overbearing headache, he moves to sit on the side of your bed, pressing the back of his hand to your forehead and grimacing. “Have you eaten anything?”
You tried to eat something before you went to your bedroom, but everything in the fridge made you nauseous and you couldn’t think enough to cook or heat up some food. Your growling stomach answers gojos questions before you can verbalise any response.
Gojo nods. “Stay here. I’ll heat up some soup for you.”
You shake your head, which protests angrily at the movement. “No, I don’t want to get you sick. I’ve already bothered you enough. You shouldn’t have to deal with me being sick. You’ve been so busy and I don’t want to get you sick because of me.”
Gojo lifts a finger to your chin, tilting it up to look at his sparkling blue eyes. “Nothing matters but you at the moment. I’ll never be too busy for you and I don’t want you to think that you’re a bother to me at all. You take priority over everything else in this world.” He presses a soft kiss to your temple. “Now stay right here, lean against the head rest while I go prep some soup for you. I want you to have something to eat. Keep your energy up.”
You sigh in defeat, mumbling an agreement as he walks out the room. It doesn’t take long for him to come back, but he walks back in to find you almost falling asleep again.
“Baby, I know you’re tired still but I would really appreciate you having something to eat.”
You grumble, eyes lifting lazily to stare at the soup in his hands. Even the thought of lifting your hands exhausts you. And Gojo sees this.
He walks around to the other side of the bed, soup still in hand, and carefully climbs on top of it, nestling himself beside you. He nudges your body to lean upright against him, your cheek pressed to his chest and one arm falling into his lap. He hears your sigh of relief and can feel your muscles relaxing into him. He brings the soup over to you, spoon sitting in it. He holds the bowl with one hand and grabs the spoon with the other, encasing you with his embrace as he does so.
You watch as he scoops up some soup into the spoon and carefully brings the spoon to your lips. As soon as the soup trickles down your throat, you let out a soft hum.
Gojo continues to spoon feed you the whole soup, thankful that your eating something at least. Once the bowl is empty, he places the spoon down in it and puts the bowl on his bedside table. When he looks back to you, he finds you already snoring softly against him.
He lets out a light chuckle. “Get some sleep babe, I’ll be right here when you wake up, ready to take care of you.”
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giantkillerjack · 1 year
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Good afternoon! What kind of characters or tropes do you wish you could see more of?? [Ex. More Trans characters; More witches; More himbos]
AND/OR: What kind of characters or tropes would you like to see LESS of? [Ex. Less Trans characters who have to live lives of misery; Less "evil" witches; Less characters played by Mark Wahlberg]
AKA what i need in my life are anti-capitalist trans witches who live lives of joy and community and also some himbos are there! HELL YEAH!!! ....... *ahem*. You don't have to be that specific, but hopefully you get the idea!
#original#writing#character design#the blacksmith#this is not the first time i have asked this and it won't be the last#but i wanna know what would make people feel seen and joyful in a way they rarely get to be#or just tropes that people enjoy#gives me a direction to walk in while i brainstorm characters i will love and others will love#for me i want to see sexy fat characters and characters who find healing and safe homes after trauma and trans characters#but also i wanna see himbos and farces and queer-coded queer villains!#i want transgender witches and autistic knights. and i want to know what people DON'T WANT too#and when i make a character who is in a group i am not in then it matters ENORMOUSLY that i am respectful and educated in doing so#which is my responsibility and i will hold myself to it.#what is the point of making characters like me to make myself feel seen if other characters feel like punches down???#it is a book about kindness and that sounds like something i must take every measure to avoid#i can't please everyone but that isn't the point.#the point is the difference between a fist punching down and a hand reached out to help lift a comrade up.#the point is the kind of person I want to be at the end of the day.#sometimes i may look an ignorant fool but so help me gods i will not stay that way and I will work to do no harm as I learn!#i will work to do better until the day i die or else i am not Jack Goodfellow. and as i AM him... well. my work is cut out for me!#I JUST. CARE. A LOT. ABOUT. KINDNESS AND STORYTELLING. IN THAT ORDER.#AHHHHHHHHHH
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egophiliac · 7 months
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I hear you on brave but I think Mr. CEO man could be woz
Which I’m all here for tbh
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anon you sent this over 9 hours before the reveal, h...HOW DID YOU KNOW
(I am also all here for it honestly) (I kind of hope they lean really hard into the overworked-CEO bit...how is he supposed to fight evil when there's all this paperwork that he has to get in by Friday, ugh)
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cator99 · 2 months
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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helluvabunch · 4 months
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"it's a trauma response" and "it's a shitty way to treat someone" are not mutually exclusive btw ✨
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puppygirlgirldick · 4 months
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y'all ever find yourself sitting around doing some math and realize you were actually a couple years younger than you remember you were when stuff that probably fucked you up more than you realize happened
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hella1975 · 1 month
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why do you write? what do you think about, what drives you?
passion love grief rage spite confusion loneliness community shame boredom perfectionism fun because i dont know how to stop
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falldogbombsthemoon · 5 months
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Yall haha, my dad made it so I have wifi access for one hour a day. which I can use from like 14 to 21 german time. So once my mobile data is dead, I will not be active that much ig. So please dont think I'm abandoning yall.
#vent following#its fucking ridiculous. im not a fucking child. neither is my brother#no idea what my dad wants to achieve through that. “so you can relaxe more” yeah no. being on the internet is my fucking coping mechanism.#there is nothing about relaxation there. also he did that so we'll to go sleep earlier. if it really was about that.#he would need to force me to sleep. you cant just change my sleep schedule by that#anyway its fucking ridiculous as i was on a good way of getting to sleep more early but if imma do that now he will think like#“wow. im such a good dad. i fixed all the problems my child could possibly have.” which is absolutely not the case#yk. ive always fucking struggled with feeling like people cant trust me.#and him not trusting my abilities to be responsible for myself is not helping#and then boom. im feeling shitty but wait haha my coping mechanism is currently set offline.#and like also im in extra stress atm bc school is fucking with me#not only are like a bunch of tests on the way but my fucking anxiety in school is getting so bad.#i cant sit in that facility without feeling like imma have a panic attack any minute#i am in need of fucking professional mental help. and at least one diagnosis. i dont want to do shit to myself.#but in this house hold. emotions are not talked about. feelings are suppressed and mental health is an illusion#i NEED to see a fucking psychiatrist. but i dont feel like i can to my parents about that. and technically i could go without them knowing#but someone needs to educate them. and i mentally cant be that someone#and guess whos sitting in their room crying and writing about that rn. not studying for their tests tomorrow and the day after.#i bet if my parents wouldnt have done that shit with my wifi i would be studying rn#quinns daily yapping post#rather#quinns personal hell
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fallenfawnn · 1 year
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..
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rookflower · 18 days
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do you have any results to share from the wc fan survey?
ive been busyyy sorry. I'll try to close it soon 😭
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short666bread · 2 years
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tvrningout-a · 11 months
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hmm how would we feel if i remade
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stockholmgf · 2 years
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:)
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jimmyandthegiraffes · 10 months
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I am not going to lie folks. I am at the end of my ROPE I’m going to SNAP
#this is once again abt dumb stuff lol#I hate walking the dogs bc one of them is bad at being on a leash#and the other insists on eating everything she can get hold of#and then it’s muddy and someone shut off one of the public footpaths#which is probably not legal lol but I cba to chase it up#and both dogs bark IMPOSSIBLY loudly when it’s walk time#and they’re neither of them my dogs so there’s the added annoyance of the fact that. it wasn’t my responsibility to train them#and I knowwww when I get a dog two things I’m gonna focus on are making sure they’re calm. and leash training lol#I am not getting dragged around by a dog once I have my own it simply will not happen#and I will not be barked at.#also one of them slipped the leash at the start of the walk and she likes to try and hurl herself under cars so I was understandably worrie#I think I kept it together v well at that moment tho and she did come back when I called her#but it was nerve wracking#and then the other one kept trying to eat some prawns someone had dropped and like#I get it. overwhelming temptation. but I was busy trying to stop the other one jumping under a bus#and then when they get back in they just bark and bark and bark#so I’ve locked myself upstairs for a few minutes because like#it’s not their fault#they’re sweethearts#and it’s not fair if I get angry at them for shit like this they’re just. being dogs#so I’m taking some Calm Down Time lol#one of them is barking and howling because I’m not giving her attention right this minute#but well. tough shit lol aunty j is cross so aunty j is taking time out#uncle Freddie#all my friends better have kids so i can be uncle Freddie#looking forward to being a parent so my kids can call me pop pop or some shit#that’s a tangent. my rage at two dogs for being high maintenance is not a good lookout for my future parenthood lol#but at least I’m recognising that I need a minute so I don’t get angry#ok I’m done yelling now
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noxtivagus · 2 years
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i will do a lot this 2023 >:3
#🌙.rambles#gna be a lot kinder to myself it's alright to take things at my own pace#i'm really hoping i'll be able to improve n strengthen the bonds i have now n make new ones too ><#ffxiv.. i wld like to develop our fc more. make new friends hopefully find some my age too.#i'm an fc leader now aaaa it's nearly been like a month but i've been busy !!#i will wholeheartedly do my best to live up to the responsibility. i rlly want to grow our fc to be a comfy close knit home for my ffxiv#friends. which is. atm rn just me n apollo on our server T_T BUT ONE DAY#n then static i wld love to raid. i want to help my friends get into raiding 🥺 so there's like 3 of us in our not-yet-established static#which means 5 more. regardless i do hope i'll clear another ultimate this year (ucob?) n raid pandaemonium savage again#n then finish both nier games n ccr n other games too. watch more stuff too hopefully#my sleep's been mostly fixed so i'm going to make a nee start this year#not gna dwell on my regrets to the best i can but i'll be kind to myself if i can't help it. nothing to gain by being too harsh on myself#this year's gna be hard w responsibilities irl w school n all n i am honestly very anxious#i've repressed it a bit w the break ;;;; but i'll face it as i always have.#i will study hard! i can't erase or rewind the past but i can do better moving onwards#these memories i can't return too may hurt yes n there'll be many times where it'll burden me n. i know i'll have many hard moments this yr#but i know i'll make it through n keep on going. pain and disappointment in some way will always be inevitable#but i'm more than my despair & i know i won't be alone on this path ahead of me. never have been entirely n never will be n i'll do my best#to remember n hold unto that!!!!#that said my social energy is still very inconsistent i apologize for that n i honestly don't know what to do regarding that but#i'll find a way as i always do. even if it doesn't quite have the 'best' outcome or wtvr i'll be kind to myself#even if things don't go as i dreamed like. idk the things i wrote to myself months ago.. that's alright#i believe in myself.#i'm rambling rn wait why am i so sleepy T_T#i am very used to being alone by just myself n apollo n my family whom i love very much so i may be really reserved w my friends#i barrly reach out n my social energy is typically inconsistent bcs of uhh old friendships that fucked up too but#i. god i cld just ramble abt this more n more but i think i'll be reaching cap for tags soon#that said though i'm really so grateful. for all the memories last yr. all the ppl in it; old friends n new. each moment each word#all of it. i write so much more than you'll ever know n.. even so i really don't think i can write enough to convey the depth of all the#love i have for like yk my family my friends n everything so dear to me in life :<< tyvm for 2022 genuinely yes
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