#which is not bad I do love a good historical viking

[queenbananya]

This week's episode of Vinland saga was deeply heartbreaking.

So far we have seen how terrible slavery is, but only (mostly) in theory. In the way one may look at a neighboring country with serious issues and think, yeah, that sucks.

This episode takes it to a personal level. Sure, we saw Einar's family die at the beginning of the season, but we didn't care for him then. We didn't know him. He was just one of many victims. Like Arnheid. She is first introduced as a mild, nice lady that won't harm a fly, fooling us into thinking her life is perhaps not too bad. And little by little, we're fed pieces of her misery.

Abused by the mistress of the house. Doomed to a life as sex slave, and pregnant with a child of the master. A dead child. A lost family. And yet she smiles through it all. She picks up the little crumbs of joy she can and gives up on her freedom, on her past life. She is able to laugh at last. Until the storm hits, and she's not able to let it pass. Just when she was starting to accept her fate, when she was settling in her life as a slave.

Garnar, her husband, ruined by slavery, shaped into a desperate beast driven by blind revenge finally reunites with her, only to die in her arms as he dreams about the life they can no longer have. And she can't even have that one moment in peace, because she's a slave, and surrounding her are men waiting to take her back to her doom. Her life is no longer hers. Her future snatched right out of her hands.

Just beautifully done. At the beginning of the season I used to think Thorfinn was being too hard on himself. He was just a child after all, when he was out in the war. However, living like this, amongst slaves, experiencing first hand their struggles and regrets, the sheer injustice of the abuse, how could he not blame himself? He, too, ruined lives, broke families apart. Killed indiscriminately and sent people into slavery.

[justwritedreams]

Quite a fall | Jongho

Jongho x Reader

Word count: 2180

Genre: fluff

Author: maari

Warnings: Reader twists her foot, fake monsters. No proofread because I wrote at midnight.

Note: I don't know why but Jongho is wrecking me lately so I was kinda forced to write something with him. This actually happened to me 5 years ago lol but it didn't had a romantic ending.

Summary: Who knew taking a historic fall could feel so good?

⩥ Ateez Masterlist

Y/N loved her friends and couldn't live without them.

But the moment it was decided that San and Mingi would go with her to fulfill the bet, she began to wonder why she had accepted it.

And why she still called Wooyoung a friend, since the idea of the two most fearful guys in the group would go with her to the haunted mansion in the amusement park they were at was his.

The amusement park was for the whole family until the sun began to set, at night it was taken over by actors dressed as monsters.

But it wasn't just any monsters, it was Egypt themed. And the mummies were more terrifying than the 90s movie.

And what was the bet? The least brave three had lost at Rock Paper Scissors, and would have to enter the haunted mansion. While the others were outside recording.

However, they were one floor below the mansion because they had gone on the Viking boat earlier, which made her practically lose her voice since besides being afraid of monsters and anything involving horror, she was also afraid of heights.

Y/N grabbed San's arm on one side while the other pushed Mingi to go ahead, the three of them stared at the flight of stairs as it got bigger and bigger.

It wasn't just because the mansion was close but because one of the monsters was at the top of the stairs, scaring anyone who passed by.

"Stop being cowards!" Hongjoong yelled, clearly amused that he wasn't chosen.

"Complain again and you go along with us!" Y/N shouted, turning to face him angrily and saw the boys laughing at him, who raised his hands in surrender and stayed quiet.

"You guys know this is a really bad idea, right?" San spoke, cowering next to Y/N, he gripped her hand tightly as she held onto his arm.

"It's Mingi's fault!" she complained and the taller one stopped, looking at her in disbelief.

"How could I guess?" he asked, trying to hide behind Y/N. "Stop pushing me!"

"You're the tallest, you have to go first!" she said, trying to push him back. "And you bet with Wooyoung, it's obvious he was serious."

"I thought he was talking about the roller coaster." he defended himself.

The bet was simple: with the opening of the park, they divided into groups of three and whoever arrived late would have to face one of their fears, as well as pay for snacks. San, Mingi, Y/N, Yeosang, Yunho and Wooyoung arrived late. And it all came down to rock, paper, scissors.

Mingi was confident to compete against Yunho... and ended up losing.

The three went on high rides and paid for everyone's snacks, until Wooyoung remembered that it was the opening night of the mansion and that the three of them would have to go.

And there the three of them were, afraid to go up the stairs.

For Y/N, she had the perfect plan, she would hide behind Mingi and San, since one was taller than her and the other was stronger, very easy, she wouldn't even need to lift her head to look inside the mansion, all she had to do was stick her face in one of their shirts.

She had just forgotten that they were both as scared as she was.

After several long minutes and the rest of the group shouting that they had to go soon before the park closed, which would happen in two hours, they made it to the halfway point of the stairs.

Y/N didn't even remember her plan anymore, somehow she was leading the way, with San clutching her hand and Mingi on her side climbing slower than her. His legs were longer and yet he was behind.

"No!" San complained as she climbed another step, never taking her eyes off the monster.

"I think it's okay to pass." she replied when she saw the monster turn its back to scare a couple passing by. "He's busy."

Suddenly everything looked like a blur.

Y/N made a move to take a step forward while San and Mingi were behind her very fearful, the monster turned and faced the three. For two long seconds they stared at each other without doing anything and then the monster screamed and pretended to go to them, just projecting its body forward.

It was enough for the three of them to scream and try to run down the stairs. Just try.

Because Mingi went ahead, as he was strategically walking up the stairs slowly, San let go of Y/N's hand and in that half second their bodies blocked her field of vision. Y/N tried to go down at the same speed as San and Mingi but she was already late and her foot didn't settle on the step of the stairs.

With the fright and the vision a little blurred for having turned so fast, her strength was lost and she twisted her foot in a clumsy way and she rolled about three steps.

When she realized what had happened, at the exact moment she heard her name being called, she felt an unbearable pain in her ankle.

She took her hand to the place that seemed to be burning and a sob escaped, she didn't even realize she was crying until she noticed that her friends were running to her.

"Are you ok?" San asked worriedly and held his hand out to her.

But Y/N couldn't speak so she just shook her head.

"Y/N, get up." Mingi spoke and she sobbed again.

"I can't." she complained quietly, feeling her ankle go rigid and in her head there was only one thing going on.

That she had broken her foot.

San bent down to face her better and soon the rest of the group surrounded her.

"Y/N, what happened?" Seonghwa asked.

"I think I broke my foot." she replied between sobs and tried to look at the boys but because of the pain, she couldn't see who was in front of her. "And I think I ripped my pants."

A chorus of low chuckles was heard and she almost laughed.

"Yah, this is not the time to be joking." Wooyoung spoke.

"Can you get up?" Hongjoong asked and she even tried to support her injured palms on the floor but her legs were clearly weak from the fright and the fall.

"No." she replied weakly.

"Isn't it good to call some professional who works here and-" Yeosang's voice gradually faded as Jongho knelt beside her

"I'll carry you, okay?" he asked gently and Y/N nodded, wiping her face.

He put his arm around her knees carefully and the other went around her back, as he lifted her off the ground in his arms, Y/N felt her ankle hurt even more but her face burned not only from the pain but because Jongho was too close.

His breath was so close to her face and he carried her as if she were a feather.

If before her heart was racing because of the fright, now she doesn't even remember the monster.

Jongho took her to a concrete part that covered the root of a tree, she sat down and was now at his height.

"Is anyone going to do anything?" he questioned, looking seriously at his friends.

Yunho and Yeosang volunteered and ran in search of someone to help.

"Can you move your foot?" Hongjoong asked and bent down to help Y/N move.

She even tried but the pain was still intense.

"Ouch no, wait a minute." she screwed up her face and he stopped, looking worried.

"You're going to have to go to the hospital." Seonghwa concluded, crossing his arms and Y/N whined.

"Oh come on!' she snorted and now with her face dry, her eyes partially wet, she could face her friends properly.

"If I were you, I wouldn't argue." Wooyoung spoke and Y/N crossed her arms.

"You know how they put the bone back together? It hurts like hell!"

"Yeah, but it's not like you have a choice if you really broke your foot." San replied.

Y/N was going to look at Mingi but Jongho entered her field of vision, taking off the sweatshirt he was wearing and approached her to tie it around her waist.

Y/N kept her arms crossed but stared at Jongho's face in surprise, everyone was silent and he looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"You really ripped your pants." he explained, nodding towards Y/N and she felt her face heat up once more.

She brought her hand to her cheek slowly so as not to show that she was blushing because of it but seeing Wooyoung staring with a raised eyebrow, she knew it wasn't that subtle.

"Oh no!" she complained when she saw Yunho and Yeosang coming back, what really caught her attention was the ambulance coming after the two.

Wooyoung tried to contain his laughter when he saw the vehicle and was slapped by Seonghwa.

Y/N stared at the ambulance in disbelief that this was actually happening to her.

"I'm not going to ride that thing." she spoke softly and thought no one would hear but Jongho turned to her with a defiant face.

"Why the ambulance?" Hongjoong asked his friends.

"It'll be better to take Y/N to the hospital near here" Yunho explained as the paramedics got out of the ambulance.

"Did you know that there is assistance here at the park?" Yeosang asked, excited by the news. "Apparently that has happened a lot here."

"Come on, Y/N." Jongho approached and she looked pleadingly at him.

"Please."

"You don't want to argue with me now, do you?" he asked seriously and she was quiet.

She took a deep breath, giving up.

"Will you need a wheelchair?" one of the paramedics asked.

Y/N widened her eyes. Oh no, that would be too much for her.

"No!" she replied loudly, and threw her arm around Jongho's shoulder.

She had already been through enough humiliation that day.

She heard Jongho laugh softly as he carried her in his arms again and she glared at him, curious to know what he was laughing at but he didn't seem to want to share it now, and walked towards the ambulance without looking like she was making an effort.

He helped her into the vehicle.

"I refuse to lie on this stretcher, I didn't die!" she said when one of the paramedics indicated the gurney. "I'll sit here." she pointed to the upholstery beside her and the paramedic nodded.

"Will someone accompany you in the ambulance?" he asked, looking at the group of friends.

"I go!" Jongho volunteered first and looked at his friends. "I'll walk her into the hospital."

"We'll get the cars and we'll follow." Hongjoong spoke and the two nodded.

Jongho climbed into the ambulance and sat next to Y/N and the paramedic closed the doors, leaving the two alone in the back.

She took a deep breath and saw Jongho staring at her.

"All good?"

"It's all that stupid monster's fault!" She denied with her head. "Who scares people on the stairs?!"

He smiled discreetly.

"Not the smartest thing I've seen anyone do."

Y/N laughed.

"I bet Wooyoung recorded it, didn't he." she spoke and Jongho bit his lip, something that didn't go unnoticed by her.

"It was quite a fall."

Y/N shook her head and laughed, being followed by Jongho.

The scare was over, even if she was still in pain, she had to admit that it must have been a very funny scene that she would laugh about later.

When she had to rest for who knows how many days.

"You know what that means, right? I'm going to have to keep my foot still for days!"

"Hey, think on the bright side." Jongho pushed his shoulder against Y/N's and she glared at him with a raised eyebrow. "You got 8 slaves and if I were you I would charge Mingi even more because he left you behind on purpose."

"I knew it!' she said, slapping a hand on her thigh and reminded herself that his sweatshirt was tucked around her waist, "Aren't you cold?"

"No, I'm fine." he raised his hand in assurance and she smiled appreciatively.

"Thanks for what you did." she said and brought her face closer to kiss Jongho's soft cheek.

However, he turned his face at the same time and their lips ended up touching lightly.

The two stared at each other in surprise and once again that night, her cheeks burned because of him, shyly she looked away to anywhere in the ambulance. But Jongho brought his hand to her cheek and brought her closer, bringing their lips together again in a quick, soft kiss.

When he pulled away, his hand caressed her cheek and pressed their foreheads together.

"You really worried me."

"Well, looks like it was worth it."

[splat20]

Another part of Icewind Dale that's been fucking grueling so far though... Ngl a part of me is actually fascinated by the historical fantasy worldbuilding done by A Certain Kind Of History Dude who clearly has no idea how history has ever actually worked. The hoops they jump through to convince you that history has never been what might be called "political" is, in its own way, kind of impressive.

Conflict has never been about stuff like colonialism, it's all about nebulous human themes like Tradition. Conflict is about Economy and Economy never involves anything like class or culture. Only trout. The entire machinations of this society revolves ONLY around trout. (I'm now genuinely harping about the trout, it's just really dumb ok.) Conflict is about different groups just being fundamentally different, usually with a clear evil one. Conflict is about all groups being greedy about THEIR FUCKING TROUT because it's just a nebulous human condition to be greedy. Racist also. And poor people are just poor because they aren't ambitious, as a little aside.

It's so...... ashistorical but also deeply uncurious about our own actual real life world right now.

So many "high" fantasy books are like this. The Certain Kind Of History Dudes have too much power in this genre. They get praised for their worldbuilding and it's just the most shallow understanding of how anything works ever.

And more nefarious is the way this seemingly innocent ignorance so quickly and easily justifies stuff like "well, it's totally chill for good guys to kill bad guys... because they're from a bad guy society." Drizzt will tie himself in knots if he has to kill the worst human you can possibly imagine, but swats down random orcs no problem. The way that seemingly creates no cognitive dissonace at all for these writers needs to be studied in a lab. It's all fun and games when we're talking about monsters, but then you think about how that translates into the real world using the exact same mechanisms and that isn't fun at all is it? The ways racist men can tell themselves they are good people follows similar mental gymnastics. Why are "humans" deserving of infinite grace and forgiveness even at their most evil but "orcs" are understood to be inherently a lost cause? Why really? What is that mechanism really? It's been particularly egregious as I'm trying to slog my way through The Crystal Shard because, like, we can generously say that the "barbarians" are based on vikings, but ngl all I'm getting from this dynamic is Salvatore playing "cowboys and indians" but with white people. The general underlying vibes... And maybe that's what I'm trying to get at with what I'm describing in the fantasy races too. If you take off the mask, it all just feels like "cowboys and indians." A trope so deeply embedded in American genre fiction which has always just been incredibly racist this whole time.

These books are such whiplash because unfortunately I do love the characters but boy I wish I could save them from these books sometimes. The Crystal Shard has been soooo much worse than the other books so far imo, so I'm hoping the series chills tf out again generally.

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

Ok, Ayn Rands in the comments.  A is A.  What an argument. I don’t see what’s there to be confused about my ask. I’m responding to the idea that you have perpetuated that anyone who engaged in these practices is inherently and undeniably evil.

Separately, the morality of rape as a practice, viewed universally, is far different than assessing an individual's moral worth, which is inherently contextual.

There mere fact that someone engages in a practice you deem immoral, does not make them inherently evil.  That's kind of the point of the show.

If society collectively accepts a problematic practice, it's far more difficult to individually fault a person for succumbing to that societal pressure and the associated negative consequences.

For instance, a farmer trying to make a living in a slave economy absent slaves, will be at an impossible competitive disadvantage.

He will not have the capital to run his farm.  It's unlikely he will be able to even subsist.  Whether someone lives or die, their entire quality of life, and their profession, could hinge on whether they owned slaves.

This is a similar argument to people who say “Rape is rape, regardless of legality, the morality of it was wrong then as it is wrong now.”

(1) First, "rape" quite literally isn't "rape" when comparing historical periods because there were completely different definitions of rape, which was my entire point.

Words change.

What we considered rape now, wasn't considered rape back then.

Even in the last 15 years, the definition of rape has dramatically changed both in common linguistics and legally.

IN the 1980s, rape was more narrowly defined as violent, forced penetrative sex.

We now live in a world where failure to affirmatively get verbal consent before engaging in non-violent, unforced sex, is considered rape.

These terms are constantly evolving.  Your definition of "rape"--and countless other words--will undoubtedly change over the remainder of human history.

Future generations will look at some of your beliefs as barbaric, no matter how morally certain you are of their worth now.  Including practices you may have taken part in. Does this make you evil?

Yes, undeniably slavery is bad. In the modern economic landscape, a lot of people will argue that the free market driven Capitalist system is just employing slavery with extra steps.

But, if you want to be rationally historical, slavery was an institution practiced by not only by one culture, but EVERYONE, commited on EVERYONE regardless of race/gender/nation etc. During the viking times, it is either you win over your enemies and take them as slaves (lest they go back and bring more people to take your people out, and of course as farm hands and more labor) OR get enslaved yourself and your loved ones. It was barely a choice, you were thrust into it by the conditions of warfare and survival. Some became "successful" and get this institution passed down to their children, who don't excatly know what to do with what they were born with except continue it as they are trained to.

No one should justify slavery, and yet it is easy to villify history seen through modern standards. I wouldn't know what exactly to do in such a scenario myself. The most righteous ways are either, try to be a harmless slave owner, or actively fight against the institution then you n your family get slaughtered by the king, or kill yourself from the get-go so you don't have to deal with society and it's problems at all!

Reducing people's inherent moral worth into binary "good" and "evil" is already an obnoxious and narcissistic practice on its own.

Reducing that moral worth on the sole grounds of whether they owned slaves--an accepted practice in many cultures in human history--is so god damn simplistic.

I am comfortable calling slavery a "bad" practice."  I am uncomfortable saying every single person who owned slaves throughout human history is inherently evil on that sole basis.

What a comfortable, naive, and privilege position you have, as you sit in judgment from your sofa, looking backwards 1000 years.

Back then, entire economies were built around slavery.  The choice of whether to own slaves, was a choice of whether to survive or to starve to death.

The world was a far more desperate and dangerous place.

When people refuse to hold any kind of nuanced judgements, you enter into a conversation where no matter what another says there will never be an understanding. A step above that is holding extreme viewpoints.

Is slavery bad? No shit. Are there shades of gray? Absolutely. Refusing to acknowledge that is forgoing nuance and acceptance of reality. Not everything is pure black and white. 

It's all just an extension of these posters' own moral narcissism (ironically).

The subtext here is that they all view themselves as amazing people.  The logical implication of their argument is that 99.9999999999999999% of all humans living before them were shittier people than they are.

How convenient a world view that everyone who lived before "you" is inferior to you, simply by virtue of their participation in antiquated (but accepted-at-the-time) societal practices, while you sit in judgment from your couch.

These naive, narcissistic fools, all pretend they would be "better" people if they were magically born into those same historical eras.

the world is not drawn in absolute moral binaries.  Yet, the vast majority of you draw people in absolute moral binaries, e.g., "everyone who supported or practiced “rape” or slavery is inherently evil."

No one is saying that Slavery is good.  It's bad.  I'm not excusing slavery.

I'm simply suggesting that historical circumstance--just like mens rea--has a role in assessing morality.

People are products of their time and place.  I have a hard time calling someone "evil" merely because they engaged in some antiquated practice, which was difficult NOT to engage in (or else suffer terrible consequences).

It's also a spectrum.  Someone might own slaves, but not beat their slaves.  And slavery varied by country and time. I feel like people are automatically treating all historical slavery as if it is American slavery.

Slaves in Roman times could be extremely educated and live fairly comfortable lives, in the case of Greek slaves.  Romans would often use Greek slaves for administrative purposes rather than manual labor (e.g., Greek Slaves would read and write letters for their masters whose vision was failing).

That kind of slavery is far less brutal than, e.g., American slavery, where you are keeping people in cages, and working them to death.

When the only realistic option in a feudal society is being a slave-owning noble or merchant, or a impoverished serf who dies at age 30 from starvation, I'm far more sympathetic to people engaging in a bad practice.

hey did you know you can make your own blog

[everyone-with-a-para]

Who is Matthias? Please tell me about Matthias!

It hasn't even been 2 minutes!! I love you!!

Matthias is a fictpara and a little hard to explain without revealing his source which I don't want to do so I'll do my best to describe him!

Matthias (he/they/she) was once described by his therapist as "a baby with a battleaxe" and that gives you a pretty good idea of what he's like. He used to be a viking (about 1000 years ago) and he still very much keeps to the aesthetic despite not having that career option in the modern day

They used to be a pretty bad person and they have a history of abuse, violence and anger issues due to the trauma they suffered, but they had a Moment in about 1814 and realised he needed to get his shit together. He 180'd his whole personality, changed his name, cut his hair (which he's kept short ever since as a reminder not to revert to his past self), even started speaking in an entirely different voice, and started trying to make amends with the family he'd hurt and trying to be a better person

He still has anger issues and a bit of an alcohol problem (he often drinks heavily before sleeping as he gets horrible ptsd night terrors if he doesn't) but he's in regular therapy and continues to work on himself.

He has a great support system, friends, a queerplatnonic partner, and a pet axltol called Økse. He was on the fence about getting a pet for a long time because he was scared he'd accidentally kill something so small in an anger outburst but having Økse around has actually helped him not to get so angry. Things between him and his brother can still be a little tense sometimes (and Ber isn't innocent in the cause of that tension either, he hurt Matthias as well) but they are learning to forgive each other and see each other as they are now, not as they used to be

As for personality, these days he's very bubbly and enthusiastic. He loves lego and ships/boats and socialising. He's actually built multiple entire historically accurate viking longboats out of lego. His favourite colour is red, his favourite drink is honey mead, and his favourite place is the harbour near his house. He's also an excellent diplomat and knows how to keep a serious formal tone light

I think about her a lot <3

[margridarnauds]

What’s one upcoming book, film or tv show that you’re really excited about?

I'm actually really excited for the Canel+ Marie Antoinette -- Me and @vivelareine have talked about it and, even though I have a lot of reservations (like...a lot), I'm still ultimately excited to see *what* they do with it. It could very likely lead to me rolling my eyes, but the bonus of watching 18th century media for Louis Philippe Joseph, Duc d'Orléas, alias "Philippe Égalité" is that....I'm rarely disappointed.

Alright, allow me to rephrase: I'm regularly disappointed, but at least I got what I came for and, given how rarely he shows up, my standards are low. Joseph Schildkraut Philippe wearing a full face of makeup and prancing around the court like an evil, judgemental, masochistic fairy? I love him. Mitsuo Yoshihara Philippe owning the stage and effortlessly belting out a song with rock elements while also being a fake bitch? Love of my life. Rose of Versailles Philippe wearing a dramatic black cloak and killing people? 10/10. Innocent's Philippe and his....everything? Babygirl, the best thing about that particular manga. Jean-Claude Dreyfuss' Philippe hopelessly bumbling around painted on sets while bearing an almost uncanny resemblance to the real thing at times while getting shouted at by Lucy Russell in French? Iconic.

Basically, everyone else here might lose, including historical!Philippe, but I'M going to win no matter how bad or good this ends up being, which, imo, is very girlboss of me, just like the creators of this TV show wanted. (Well...not exactly, but close enough.) And I get to see my boy.

I ask not that he be accurate but please, oh TV gods, let him be entertaining and to live up to the goth rococo aesthetic that his first promo photo promises and that his predecessors have pulled off so well, forever amen.

Also starring:

The Girl Who Bullied You In High School as Marie Antoinette

Conflicted Sexy Hero From A Revolutionary War Novel Cover as Louis XVI

Christian Grey as Fersen

Guy Who Is Clearly Not Getting Paid Enough as Mercy

Thorunn Vikings as Madame du Barry (For once I'm being serious, it is actually Gaia Weiss, hitting me firmly in the face with my #JusticeForThorunn days)

George Warleggan as Provence

And

James Purefoy as Marc Antony Louis XV, a Roman French politician with a reputation for the high life and numerous love affairs, including one notoriously intelligent woman who was as much a business and political partner as a wife mistress and whose final choice of partner created trouble for the Republic of Rome French monarchy.

[cleoenfaserum]

COMA (1978) and the 13th WARRIOR (1999) Michael Crichton series.

What do these two movies have in common? The short answer, nothing. The real answer, Michael Crichton. I have been following Michael Crichton's movies for some time and will continue to do so until I have posted all his movies as a director, movies based on his novels or scripts he has written or participated in based on IMdB list. That is my intention.

The two movies mentioned in the title of the blog are special to me. COMA was a novel I read many years ago by Robin Cook and saw the movie later on. Curiously enough, Robin Cook is also a medical doctor, who I followed and a fan of his, having read many of his long list of books.

Now the 13th Warrior is new to me. But one thing I have in common with the film is the nationality of the main character who appears on the poster, Antonio Banderas, being a Spaniard as I am, sort of makes me proud. Your right, that is not reason enough, but he is a good actor.

Before we get into the story, perhaps it would be wise to have some notion of what is a coma, if you haven't guessed, but in any case, here is a description: GO TO: Coma - Wikipedia

So, let's get to it.

Coma is a 1978 American mystery thriller film based on the 1977 novel of the same name by Robin Cook. The film rights were acquired by director Michael Crichton.

The cast includes Geneviève Bujold, Michael Douglas, Elizabeth Ashley, Richard Widmark, and Rip Torn. Among the actors in smaller roles are Tom Selleck, Lois Chiles, and Ed Harris.

Confessedly, I have a passion for thoroughness. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, exceeds any statue of limitations sometimes, making my blog unbearably long. The story was adapted again into a two-part television miniseries broadcast in September 2012, but I cannot help myself to look into it and if possible, post it. Coma (1978 film) - Wikipedia

IMdB: 6'9 DRAMA-MYSTERY-THRILLER DURATION: 1h 53m

When a young female doctor notices an unnatural amount of comas occurring in her hospital she uncovers a horrible conspiracy.

918-1 https://ok.ru/video/1918797351551

Coma is a 2012 American television miniseries based on the 1977 novel Coma by Robin Cook and the subsequent 1978 film Coma. It is a four-hour medical thriller released in September, 2012.

The series was directed by Mikael Salomon and produced by Ridley Scott and his brother Tony Scott, the same team that adapted The Andromeda Strain into the 2008 miniseries on A&E. The film is dedicated to Tony Scott, who died in August 2012, only weeks before its broadcast premiere. Coma (American miniseries) - Wikipedia

IMdB: 5'8 DRAMA-MYSTERY-SCI-FI DURATION: 4 hrs.

A young medical student discovers that something sinister is going on in her hospital after routine procedures send more than a few seemingly healthy patients into comas on the operating table.

918-2 https://ok.ru/video/363998808717

918-3 https://ok.ru/video/90663815898

The 13th Warrior is a 1999 American historical fiction action film based on Michael Crichton's 1976 novel Eaters of the Dead, which is a loose adaptation of the tale of Beowulf combined with Ahmad ibn Fadlan's historical account of the Volga Vikings.

It stars Antonio Banderas as ibn Fadlan, as well as Diane Venora and Omar Sharif. It was directed by John McTiernan; Crichton directed some uncredited reshoots. The film was produced by McTiernan, Crichton, and Ned Dowd, with Andrew G. Vajna, James Biggam and Ethan Dubrow as executive producers.

Production and marketing costs reputedly reached $160 million, but it grossed $61 million at the box office worldwide, becoming the biggest box office bomb of 1999, with losses of up to $129 million. The 13th Warrior - Wikipedia

IMdB 6'6 ACTION -ADVENTURE- HISTORY DURATION: 1h 42m

A man, having fallen in love with the wrong woman, is sent by the sultan himself on a diplomatic mission to a distant land as an ambassador. Stopping at a Viking village port to restock on supplies, he finds himself unwittingly embroiled in a quest to banish a mysterious threat in a distant Viking land.

918-4 https://ok.ru/video/3625901099575

[ashauyel]

can you recommend the good harlequin romance novels?

full disclosure I was using the word harlequin in a very loose way that fans of romance do sometimes to refer to a specific subset of romances, romances that are very light on plot and heavy on emotionalism and generally speaking revolve around a set of tropes that is agreed upon by fans of the genre (something that would be reflected in the future in fandom spaces!), and not “Harlequin” as the romance novel publishing house from the 50s that originated the use of the term. I hope this isn’t deeply disappointing to you because I still do have some recommendations off the top of my head!

I have read many (MANY) romances, and a lot of them are bad or contain some good things inside a lot of bad surroundings. The few that I can recommend with a straight face that I can remember:

Rebellion by Nora Roberts— Nora Roberts is one of the best selling and most prolific romance authors of all time and this is for a reason! Honestly I would recommend a lot of her work because she is just a very good author. This novel is one of her earlier works from the 80s before she branched out into fantasy. Set during the Jacobite Rising, starring the tomboy daughter of a Scottish laird who wants to pick up a sword to defend her family, and an English lord who gives up a life in England to help free Scotland from English rule. Kind of like if Pride and Prejudice was sexy and people were stabbed. General warning for the heavy discussion of sexual violence as well as situations of dubious consent.

Jewels of the Sun by Nora Roberts— had to recommend another by her, the lady knows her stuff! This is the first of a three part series, if you like this book you will love the next two! Set in modern day (so… 2000 when it was written lol) Ireland, a practical and stuffy author comes to the small town where her grandmother grew up to reconnect with herself after her divorce and meets the local pub owner who offers to help her write a book about local legends. Nora started dipping into fantasy around this time so this book does have some supernatural elements and some really interesting discussion of Irish mythology! This one is mostly focused on the main characters’ emotional journey rather than an external plot so it discusses finding yourself outside of romance, which I think is really fun!

Scandalous by Karen Robards— I will be honest this is probably the only novel I could ever recommend in good conscience from this author, there are two more in this series that are just okay but aren’t moving. Set in Regency era England, this book stars the oldest sister of a family of three neglected girls whose father dies leaving his entire estate to their estranged older brother, who dies suddenly just before he is due to inherit. The main character decides to pretend he is still alive in order to embezzle their father’s money and secure their future— but wait! A man shows up claiming to be their brother, and the main character is the only one who knows this is impossible. She makes an uneasy truce with the criminal who intends to take her brother’s place… but what if there’s something more between them? (They should hire me to write the blurbs on the back of books.) Protagonist isn’t a typical romance heroine! Warning for situations of dubious consent and the discussion of childhood sexual abuse.

Brigand Bride by Miriam Minger— if you want to read historical romances I would recommend Miriam Minger. She writes everything from Vikings to Victorians and her books are reliably fun reads that stick to a formula that works. Set some years after the Jacobite Rising, the main character is a nobleman’s daughter who moonlights as a ruffian who thwarts English soldiers, who suddenly has to deal with an English soldier who comes to occupy her land but like… feels bad about it? Suffers from romance novel syndrome but it’s still a fun read. General warning for the discussion of sexual violence.

Getting Rid of Bradley by Jennifer Crusie— if you want to have fun AND think about a romance for the rest of your life please read this book. Generally would recommend a lot of Jennifer Cruise’s work, she’s a good author with a very enjoyable style! Our heroine is a woman who has recently divorced her awful husband Bradley, and our hero is a detective looking for a criminal named Bradley. Due to coincidences he ends up moving in to protect her and her hilariously named group of dogs while investigating the connection between the two and silliness ensues. The drama is excellent and the comedy is better.

what I would recommend to anyone looking for romances is just to get into them! especially the ones with paintings of women in long dresses and flowers and stuff on the covers! I genuinely think there’s a lot of good stuff to be found in novels like those as long as you’re willing to wade through some bad stuff lol

[donasarah]

Books I read in 2022

In previous years, I would set my reading goals to 25, 30 books, never quite managing to reach them. I have accepted that I am a rather slow reader in 2022. With that said, I set the goal of 12 books this year, averaging a book a month. This let me indulge in longer books, and take my time with denser ones. I finished 19, and I aim to read 12 again in 2023. In no particular order: -Star Wars: Specter of the Past (Timothy Zahn) -Star Wars: The Fallen Star (Claudia Gray) -Out of the Dark (David Weber) -The Space Between Worlds (Micaiah Johnson) -Into the Light (David Weber, Chris Kennedy) X -Carrie (Stephen King) -Jurassic Park (Michael Crichton) -Necromancer (Gordon R. Dickson) X -The Jewel of the Seven Stars (Bram Stoker) X -The Lost World (Michael Crichton) -Bird By Bird (Anne Lamont) X -Hav (Jan Morris) -A Winter Haunting (Dan Simmons) -I, Vampire (Jody Scott) -The Dying Earth (Jack Vance) -Eaters of the Dead (Michael Crichton) -Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice) X -Orlando (Virginia Woolf) -Trieste and the Meaning of Nowhere (Jan Morris)

The five books with "X" at the end indicate that I did not finish the books, and have no wish to return to them (with exception of Into the Light, which I will talk about later.) Generally, I feel as if a book has struck me wrong, I don't waste time finishing the novel. I have far too many books I wish to read to spend valuable time finishing bad ones. The beginning of the year overflowed from 2021 in where I read far too many Star Wars novels. While I always will be a fan of Star Wars, my time reading the expanded material has ended. No matter how good they are, they fail to inspire me creatively, ultimately being products on the assembly line. If I ever want to break out as a writer, I realize I must read outside of the narrow space opera setting. I read a surprising number of Michael Crichton books this year, an author I will probably never pick up again. Not to say he is a bad writer, but that he is one that doesn't really appeal to me on a general basis. But as I binged every Jurassic Park movie (and groaned at the franchise), I decided to read the books it was based on. My copy of Jurassic Park was actually gifted to me by a coworker from the Worst Job I Have Ever Had, so I had been meaning to give it a go anyhow. And it was just alright! In typical hard sci-fi affair, it had a ton of interesting ideas and clashing of philosophies, but lacked in character depth. Lost World, on the other hand, was a bit phoned in, and I do not really recommend it. It's clear that Crichton has an affinity for the Arthur Conan Doyle book of the same name, but the actual prose was uninspired. Eaters of the Dead, on the other hand, might be a contender for the best book I read this year. Short, fast, and historically interesting, Eaters of the Dead has amazing characterization of Viking and Islamic culture of the late 900s AD, and has a twist villain that blew me away. It was so good, I dare not read any other Crichton book after this. I do not want to bitter the excellence of Eaters of the Dead.

I cannot recall if I spoke of Into the Dark in a previous year that I gave it a try, but the controversy of the novel is what sparked my interest. Weber is not an author I would likely read usually (much like Crichton, I realize), as he writes mostly military sci-fi. This genre is not shy about it's right-wing slanted world views, and Into the Dark is no different. Characters love talking about their guns, to the point I would call Into the Dark gun porn. Aliens invade the "modern day" world (when written, 2010), and humans fight back! The twist is that the humans straight up lose, and have to be bailed out by Count Dracula. Yes, real Dracula. The most hilarious twist in any book I have ever read. I had high hopes for the sequel, released some 12 years later, but Into the Light hardly leans into the goofy camp of the vampire reveal. Instead, it seemed embarrassed that it had done that, and hardly brings it up. So I put it down for now, but perhaps in 2023 I will give it another shake.

My best discovery this year was the author Jan Morris, and her book entitled Hav (which is truly a novel and novella combined into one volume). Jan is truly one of the most interesting people I have ever read about, and it brings me such sadness to learn she passed in 2020. Her work and career stand as monumental inspirations to me, and knowing I missed the chance to thank her by just two years feels like some type of irony. Hav is a fictional peninsula in Greece, but the way Morris writes about it makes it more real than some towns I have visited. Her name was achieved in the arena of travel writing, so when Hav was released in the 80s, people tried to book flights to a place that did not exist. If that wasn't interesting enough, Hav stands as a scathing and humbling reflection of the European world, and ends on the strange foreboding feeling, cashed in by the followup novella and mirrored by how 9/11 shaped the world. All that would make Jan Morris a good writer. But her journey from James Morris to Jan Morris makes her legendary, because yeah, on top of being a fantastic writer, she is one of the first prominently public British transgender people, flying to Russia in the 70s to receive gender affirming surgery. Did I mention she also fought in World War 2, and was the first reporter to climb Mount Everest successfully? Trieste is the capstone to her career, blending all the experiences she has had in life and distilling them down to the characterization of a single Italian city (or as the book goes on to say, a city that happens to be the capital of Nowhere.) I cannot wait to read more of her work in 2023. Orlando by Virginia Woolf might take the spot for the best book I have read this year. It's the only book on the list that I plan to reread again, once I find a copy that isn't falling apart at the spine. For how famous and influential this book is, it is surprisingly hard to track down a copy. Across four books stores, two used two new, I could only find one copy, and by the time I was finished, the spine had completely splintered into dust. But it was absolutely worth reading, even in that condition, and I eagerly await the chance to read it again.

I, Vampire was a book I read based on the cover and back blurb, and it was the craziest book I read this year. A vampire and alien fall in love, while in the background the author delivers some of the most sarcastic and biting criticism of modern day capitalism I have read in a pulpy sci-fi novel. It's great stuff, and I can't wait to find a copy of the first book in this apparent trilogy!

The worst book I read this year was certainly The Space Between Worlds. I do not really have a hot take associated with it, other than it was a mess of a book and needed at least two more drafts to make it a little more readable. It's clear that this was a debut novel, and I did buy it brand new, so I wish Ms. Johnson the best of luck with the next novel. Here's to another year of finding good books to read.

[rune-folk]

Hei, Hei!

Welcome to my little blog!

I’m a 28 year old woman living in Norway, and you can call me Runa!

I created this blog to be about Norse Heathenry, Norse Aesthetic, Nature, as well as Cooking, Cottagecore and in general simply things that make me happy. I have set myself a goal to be more positive, to be kinder to others and to myself, and to try and see the good things in life and in the world (necessary in the times we live in, to remind ourselves that this world is indeed beautiful).

So, I want to share things that excite me, make me smile, or make me think. Thus, you can expect cooking experiments (one of my goals is to be a better cook, and to try more things. I mostly cook Norwegian, Austrian, German or Slavic food), photography, ramblings about the gods and myths and fairy tales, as well as ramblings about my life. I don’t really have people to talk to about some personal things, so I just yell them at the void here. If personal stuff does not interest you, I tag all that with #runarambles so you can simply block that tag!

I am mostly devoted to Oðin, because he has guided me a lot in the past years, and is the reason I am still alive, but I also feel a strong connection to Jörð and Thor. I am very strongly devoted to Frigg, and in connection to Frau Holle and Frau Perchta, and am exploring this connection more and more.

Next to that, I am also exploring Germanic Paganism, Slavic Paganism and Alpine Folk Traditions, because these are the places my family comes from, and I want to know more about it. I also feel a very strange but strong connection to Baba Yaga, which I am slowly and carefully exploring.

In my everyday life, I am a scientist (which is probably one of the reasons I find myself seeking escape in the simple things in life), and speak German, English and Norwegian, as well as very bad Russian (Мой русский плох).

I enjoy sewing and making my own clothes, am also into historical sewing and re-enactment, and love water-colour painting, and writing stories. I am engaged in historical fencing (with the Longsword, Dagger, Sword and Buckler, and Langes Messer), love history, and enjoy learning new things, going to museums and ancient places, and wandering through nature.

That is about everything, I suppose!

Profile Picture: me in the forests around the Celtic village in Schwarzenbach, Austria

Header Image: a picture I took of Borgund Stave Church, Norway

My photography sideblog is @forestruin

                                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~

And an important Disclaimer at the end:

Sadly this has so be said, as our community is overrun with bigots.

I strongly believe that Norse Paganism should be inclusive and open to all who want to share this faith. I am a feminist, and am strongly disapproving of racist, misogynistic, homophobic arseholes appropriating the Norse symbols and believes for their disgusting agenda. You have obviously not understood the stories and poems, if you think that Heathenry and your bigotery are in any way compatible! Women are amazing and not less than men, they are not your property, but multidimensional human beings worthy of dignity and respect! You are not better than anyone else, because of the colour of your skin, or the country of your birth!

Therefore:

Do NOT follow me if you are a right wing idiot, US American patriot with a gun fetish (I mean it! I will block you!), Odinist, misogynistic patriarch, hyper masculine Grimfrost-dude-bro, or any other kind of these people, who have to compensate their fragile masculinity by trying to be overly #Viking

I do check every blog that follows me and instantly block 1) the kind of people mentioned above 2) p*rn blogs and 3) empty blogs (aka no name, header, reblogs. idc if you are a real person, as a tumblr veteran this screams bot to me).

That is all!

Ha det bra! ~

[scarytat]

Cbs Ghosts Thoughts SPOILERS

- The captain/Thomas hybrid Isaac is hilarious, I take it back. I laughed at his lines. Okay, it’s very obvious, but it works. I do dislike his historically inaccurate musical theatre love.

- The Julian and Pat characters Pete and Trevor are really well translated, however Pete has lost the respect that Pat has from the others as he’s clearly not cool enough for them, he’s too often alone. I laughed at most of Trevor’s lines, but they’ve clearly stripped the politics.

- The Robin character Thorfinn is a bit cringe. He’s historically inaccurate and says the same joke too much.

- The Mary character Flower is a bit of a stereotype. Seems a bit made for social media. Got a moralising overtone.

- The Lady Button character Hetty is ok, a bit of a Martha copy.

- Alberta is ok, potential there.

- The Sasappis character is ok, again seems a bit historically inaccurate, speaks very 2010s.

- Samantha and Jay, the Alison and Mike are weak, I think their dialogue is the worst written. They’ve made the man in charge! You get the feeling he would have got his own way, the manipulative ‘you should have asked me first’ argument before her fall was horrible!!! Such an old fashioned sexist power dynamic. ‘He thinks I’m impulsive’ such a cringe line. Mocking her doing DIY, laughing at her when she’s upset. Mike would never.

- They’ve kept the name Carol, nice touch. But at the same time they’ve made Pat spiteful against his wife. Again, the man is in charge, not the woman.

- The cgi was bad, everything looked like a set too. Really felt it in the lawyers office/the Halloween cobwebs.

- Everyone is immaculate, Flower looks like she came off a runway. The further back the character in history the worse the clothes get.

- Cash is the fan favourite they thought the others would be, mistake to loose him.

- They all stand like they’re on a stage.

- ‘I did some research… I could do -freelance- writing… my fastidious Viking… we don’t have the ability… basically describing what’s happened ‘off screen’ makes it feel false.

Overall it’s a good show which I enjoyed, but incomparable to the original!

[dwellordream]

“…Now, if people are taught anything at all about medieval history it often is English medieval history. People with absolutely no other frame of reference can often tell you when the Norman Conquest of England took place, or the date of the signing of Magna Carta even if they don’t know exactly why these things are important. (TBH Magna Carta isn’t important unless you were a very rich dude at the time, sooooo.) If you ask people to name a medieval book they’ll probably say Beowulf even if they’ve never read it.

Here’s the thing though – England was a total backwater in terms of the way medieval people thought and was not particularly important at the time. How much of a backwater? Well, when Anne of Bohemia, daughter of my man Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV (RIP, mate. Mourn ya til I join ya.) married King Richard II of England in the fourteenth century there was uproar in Prague. How could a Bohemian imperial princess be sent to London? How would she survive in the hinterlands? The answer was she was sent along with an entire cadre of Bohemian ladies in waiting to give her people with whom she could have a sophisticated conversation.

This ended up completely changing fashion in England. Anne is the girl who introduced those sweet horned headdresses you think of when you think of medieval ladies, riding side-saddle, and the word “coach” to England, (from the Hungairan Kocs, where the cart she arrived at court the first time came from). Sweetening her transition to English life was the fact that she didn’t have to pay a dowry to get married. Instead, the English were allowed to trade freely with Bohemia and the Holy Roman Empire and allowed to be around a Czech lady. That was reward enough as far as the Empire was concerned. That’s how much England was not a thing. (The English took this insult very badly, and hated Anne at first, but since she was a G they got over it. Don’t worry.)

If England was unimportant why do we know about English medieval history and nothing else? Same reason you’re reading this blog in English right now, homes. I’m not sure if you know this, but in the modern period, the English got super super good at going around the world an enslaving anyone they met. When you’re busy not thinking about German imperial atrocities in the nineteenth century it’s because you’re busy thinking about British imperial atrocities, you feel me? So we all speak English now and if we harken back to historical things it gives us a grandiose idea of English history.

Say, then, you are trying to establish a curriculum for schools that bigs up English history, as is our want. Ask yourself – are you gonna want to dwell on an era where England was so unimportant that Czechs were flexing on it? Answer: no. You gonna gloss right over that and skip to the early modern era and the Tudors who I am absolutely sure you know all the fuck about. The second colonial-imperialist reason for not learning about medieval history is that medieval history doesn’t exactly aggrandise the colonial-imperialist system.

Yes, there are empires in medieval Europe. In addition to the Holy Roman Empire there’s the Eastern Roman Empire, aka the Byzantine Empire, whose downfall is often pointed to as one of several possible bookends to the medieval period. You also have opportunists like the Venetians who set up colonies around the Adriatic and Mediterranean, or the Normans who defo jump in boats and take over, well, anything they could get their hands on.

Notably, when these dudes got where they were going, they didn’t end up enslaving a bunch of people, committing genocide, and then funnelling all resources back to a theoretical homeland. The Normans settled down where they were eventually creating distinctive court cultures, and the Venetian colonies enjoyed a seriously high level of trade and quality of life without major disruption to local customs. Force was certainly used to take over at the outset, but it wasn’t something that resulted in the complete subjugation and deaths of millions halfway around the world from where the aggressors started.

No, the European middle ages are a lot more about local areas muddling along with smaller systems of rule. That’s why you have distinctive areas like say, Burgundy or Sicily calling their own shots and developing their own styles and fashions. Hell, even within imperial systems like the Holy Roman Empire Bavarians or Bohemians saw themselves as very much distinct peoples within an imperial system, not necessarily imperial subjects first and foremost.

You know where you would go to find some history that justifies huge imperial systems that require constant conquest and an army of slaves to keep them afloat? Ancient Rome. Remember how you got taught how great Rome was? How it was a democracy? How they had wonderful technology and underfloor heating, and oh isn’t that temple beautiful? Yeah, that’s because you were being inculcated to think that the ends of imperial violence justifies mass enslavement and disenfranchisement.

In reality, Rome wasn’t some sort of grand free democracy. Only a tiny percentage of Romans could actually vote. Women of any station certainly could not, and even men who were lucky enough to be free weren’t necessarily Roman citizens. Freedom here is particularly important because by the 1 century BCE 35 – 40% of the population of the Italian peninsula were slaves. Woo yeah democracy. I love it. And that’s not even taking into account all those times when an Emperor would suspend voting altogether.

Those slaves were busy building all the grand buildings your high school history teacher was dry jacking it about, stuffing the dormice that the rich people were reclining to eat, and basically keeping the joint running. Those slaves also necessitated the ridiculously huge army that Rome kept going because you had to get slaves from somewhere after all, so warfare had to be continuous. How uplifting.

Eagle-eyed readers will notice that this Roman nonsense is pretty much exactly what was going on during the modern colonial imperial age. You can say whatever the fuck you want about how free and revolutionary America was, for example. That doesn’t change the fact that only a handful of white property owning men could vote, and that the entire project required the mass enslavement of Africans and the genocide of Native Americans. That’s why you’ve been taught Rome is great. It helps you sleep well at night on stolen land because, really, haven’t all great societies done this? I mean without a forever war against anyone you can find, how will you keep a society going?

Our imperialist ideas about history lead to some weird historical takes. People love to tell you that no one bathed in the medieval period when medieval people had pretty much exactly the same sort of bathing culture as Romans. People laugh at medieval people believing in medical humoral theory despite the fact that Romans believed exactly the same thing and get a total pass on that front. The Roman ban on dissection is often taught as a medieval ban, shifting Roman superstition onto the shoulders of medieval people.

On-going Roman warfare is reported in glowing terms with emphasis on the “brilliance” of Roman military technique, while inter-kingdom warfare in the medieval period is portrayed as barbaric and ignorant. The Roman people who were encouraged to worship emperors as literal gods are used as an example of theoretical religion-free logical thinking, while medieval Christians are cast as ignorant for believing in God even when they are studiously working on the same philosophical queries as their predecessors. None of this makes any fucking sense.

But here’s the thing – it doesn’t need to. In a colonial imperialist society we have positioned Rome as a guiding light no matter what it’s actual practices and that’s not a mistake. It’s a design that helps to justify our own society. Further, this mindset requires us to castigate the medieval period when rule was more localised and systems of slavery had taken a precipitous dive. If only there had been more slavery, you know? Things might have been so much better.

Historical narratives and who controls them are always in flux. That old adage “history is written by the winners” comes to mind here, but that’s not exactly true. What the winners do is decide which histories are promoted, taught, and broadcasted. You can write all the history you want and if no one reads it, then it doesn’t really matter. That’s the gap that medieval history has fallen into. Colonial imperialism hasn’t figured out how to weaponise it yet, so it’s ignored. You could write this off as a “so what”, of course. Sure, maybe teaching the Roman Empire as a goal is a negative, but is ignoring medieval history really that bad a thing? You will be unsurprised to learn that I definitely think it is a bad thing, yes.

Ignorance about the medieval period is one of the things that is allowing the current swelling ranks of fascists to claim medieval Europe as some sort of “pure” white ideal. Spoiler: it was not. However, if you don’t know anything about medieval society how are you gonna argue with some chinless douche with a fake viking rune tattoo?History is always political. We use it to understand our world, but more than that we also use it to justify our world. Ignoring it helps us prop up our worst impulses, so let’s not.”

- Eleanor Janega, “On colonialism, imperialism, and ignoring medieval history.”

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

A Night at the Movies

So, I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately. I’ve even been going to the cinema to do, like a proper Appreciator Of The Visual Arts. And, naturally, I’ve acquired a review-itch that needs scratching. Rather than doing each flick individually, however, I thought I’d quick-fire this shit and do a series of capsule reviews contained within a single blog. Think of it like bullet chess, but it’s a blog instead of a boardgame that I usually lose.

The Northman A film that dares to ask ‘what if Beowulf and Hamlet were the same person?’ might sound like an art-house wank-fest of the highest order, but the Northman actually kicks arse. Actually, it kicks every arse in northern Europe and Scandinavia so hard that launches entire flotillas of buttocks into fucking orbit. Intense, brutal and epic from start to finish, its best trick is probably the magical realism with which it approaches its subject matter. It shows the world as the protagonist experiences it without making any definitive statements about whether what he’s experiencing is real or a figment of his imagination. Sanity is culturally and historically contextual, so a dude could have longwinded conversations with seers who are actually in his head or fall into a tomb and fight a non-existent zombie without being judged crazy by his peers. In some ways, the era of the Vikings was a better time- certainly a better time to be an absolute fucking crackpot. But I digress. The Northman explores its world and characters without judgement and lets us get invested in our own time and in our own way. It’s really refreshing to see a film that doesn’t insist on dumping modern modes of thought and ethics into its historic setting. Meanwhile, the protagonist’s character arc manages to feel more satisfying than anything in a more conventional movie as he gradually moves through blind dedication, disillusionment and pain and finally arrives at a place where he ends his revenge-quest (yes, it’s a revenge movie) not out of anger but out of love for his kin. It’s surprisingly beautiful in unexpected ways and, if it sounds like your sort of thing, it’s well worth seeing at the cinema where the tremendous scope can hit you right in the eyeballs unfettered by your tiny, shitty telly screen. I give it an unreserved ten out of ten decapitated Willem Dafoes.

The Lost City At the risk of stirring unnecessary controversy, rom-coms are usually very, very bad. They have to be sincerely heart-warming, genuinely funny and have a premise that allows them to transcend the limitations of their genre. If they drop any one of those three juggling balls, the whole thing dies on its arse. The Lost City, therefore, deserves extra helpings of praise for not just being really good but being really good despite having to work twice as hard as any other movie to get to that point. The jokes all land, the characters are all likeable, and the Indiana Jones-ish treasure hunt that ties it all together keeps things interesting even when the story beats are as well-trodden as its possible to get. It also scores highly for subverting expectations. There’s a love triangle that it nips in the bud with a grisly head-shot early on before it can grow and consume the whole film, the villain (played by Daniel Radcliffe having the time of his fucking life) has a surprisingly well thought-out motive and he ends up being more of a catalyst for the action than the only thing driving the plot (as often happens in movies of this type). Obviously lead actress Sandra Bullock turns in a fine performance, because she always fucking does, but who’d have had love interest Channing bloody Tatum pegged as a master of physical comedy? And yes, I will admit that the film won me over slightly by putting Far From Any Road and Red Right Hand on the soundtrack (and actually giving the plus-size best friend character something meaningful to do didn’t hurt either). That said, personally biases aside, I still feel confident in rewarding this film ninety-nine spooning skeletons out of a possible one hundred.

The Batman Crikey, this is a good Batman movie! I don’t know what else to fucking tell you: it perfectly evokes the noir, downbeat films on which Gotham city has always been modelled while also feeling fresh and original; the Riddler feels genuinely menacing and Bats himself feels like the genius he’s supposed to be in the comics. It’s also pretty hard to give Batman an arc, but this flick manages it, largely by setting the film early on his career (which means you could easily insert it mentally into the DCEU as a prequel, even though its pretending to be the stand-alone wallflower of DC movies). I only have one really, really minor complaint: the Riddler’s costume fucking sucks. I love The Riddler (from the version in the Tim Burton films, to the version in Gotham, to the version in the Arkham games and every version in the comics) and feel very strongly should be flamboyant and a tiny bit queer-coded where appropriate. He shouldn’t dress like some Q-Anon prepper twat who thinks that army surplus is a type of chic. But that’s a very minor gripe, and it doesn’t stop this movie taking home nine Alfred Pennyworths out of ten.

Moonshot I have a real fucking problem with films that set up a false dichotomy between saving the Earth through environmental programs and space exploration. In real life, any semi-competent government should be able to balance the two, ensuring both the future of our planet and the future of our species among the stars. I was therefore primed to dislike Moonshot the moment it started making noises about how Martian colonists didn’t give a shit about Earth and just used it to dump their rubbish (which would also be wildly impractical for a near-future space-faring civilisation, incidentally). It’s also a semi-romantic movie in which the main love interest is a slappable, entitled rich berk who really needs to get her stupid faux-nerd haircut caught in an airlock while a robot punches her repeatedly in the kidneys. Astonishingly, however, the film isn’t a complete carcrash. It succeeds, in spite of itself, because it’s very easy to get invested in the character of Walt, who’s a quick-witted, entertaining car-crash of the human being. We want him to succeed, but it’s hard to fathom why the thing he’s trying to succeed at involves seducing someone who hates him. Walt’s dialogue more or less redeems the film and, in spite of everything, there were a couple of moments that made me go ‘awww’. Evidently, being engaged to the hottest woman in our real universe has made me go soft. I give this this film a very grudging six out of ten stowaway space-cats.

Morbius I enjoyed Morbius, but I don’t necessarily think that means it was a good film. A large portion of the plot revolves around the idea that if you insert bat DNA into a human, you somehow come out with a vampire, which is just silly enough to be noticeable, even in a Marvel-associated project. Then there’s Morbius himself, who’s kind of a grumpy hypocrite. And yet… and yet I really fucking enjoyed this movie. Some of that enjoyment undoubtedly stems from the script, which is pretty heavy on dark humour (though not quite as heavy as I would like). Equally, part of it must come from the visualisation of vampiric powers, which are among the best I’ve ever seen and make the movie a visual delight to watch. Most of my enjoyment, however, comes from Matt Smith as the main villain, Milo, who enjoys being a vampire way, way more than Mr. Grumpy-Bollocks. He goes around murdering arseholes with his teeth, dancing at tonally inappropriate points in the plot and laughing his fucking head off whenever he gets into a fight with Morbius, as though having his teeth knocked out a by Hot Topic model reject is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to him. You know what, I’m giving this movie a solid eight out of ten dancing murderers on that alone.

Horns Or Horny Daniel Radcliff’s Horny Hornventures, to give it its full title. So, I’ll freely admit that I didn’t see this at the cinema- it was on the interwebs. And it’s pretty darn good. Ig (played by Daniel Radcliffe, who’s all over the fucking schedule in this blog) wakes up to find that he’s been accused of murdering his girlfriend. Shortly thereafter, he starts growing never-properly-explained horns that give him weird occult powers, including revealing people’s darkest desires and truths and (insanely) commanding the loyalty of snakes. Without spoiling anything, it doesn’t go where you think it’s going to go, and it’s endlessly entertaining while it’s not going there. It even gives us the immortal image of Daniel Radcliffe just casually wearing a snake like it’s no big deal. I choose to believe that for formal occasions, he wears it tied in a Windsor knot and has two tiny snakes for cuff-links, but that’s by the by. It’s a broadly well-acted film with lots of entertaining supernatural elements but, if it has a fault, it’s that it overreaches slightly with the size of its cast. There are so many people in this film, all of them harbouring dark secrets, that it’s easy to lose track of their names and some of them only have, like, two personality traits. Consequently, I kept thinking of them by their monolithic defining traits instead of whatever the script called them. There’s Hopeless Dad, Terrible Mom, Druggy Trombonist, Donut Slut (which I mean as praise, not slur), Repressed Gay Cops (two of them, no less! A matching set!), Boring Ginger (whose death drives the plot but has zero actual character, even in flashbacks) Lying Waitress and Arsehole. Of course, I can remember the name of Daniel Radcliff’s character (Ig) because it’s mentioned every five minutes, but just so he didn’t feel left out, I dubbed him Snake Necklace. But I’m being facetious for comic effect. I stayed invested right up to the end and was really rooting for the plot-designated good guys throughout, which isn’t always the case with me, so Horns was obviously doing something right. I therefore award it a solid seven slithery friends out of ten. Of course, if I’d written it, it would have ended with Snake Necklace and Donut Slut riding off into the sunset to the tune of Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard, which would have bumped it up to a nine.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness Good fucking grief this is a good film. Like, a ridiculously good film. Without spoiling anything, I will say that it’s a film whose title mentions a multiverse and implies generalised chaotic mayhem and it delivers on both in great abundance. It’s amazing how many ideas are crammed into this flick, with the film-makers using Doctor Strange’s magic and the mechanics of an infinitely divergent multiverse to just explore every scrap of whimsy or odd little concept that they couldn’t squeeze into a more grounded movie. Yet, despite this, absolutely nothing is lost in terms of characterisation and meaningful interaction between protagonists. Our villain du jour is Scarlet Witch, AKA Wanda, but she feels less like a true ‘villain’ and more like somebody made dangerous by grief and a fragile mind, which means that the end of her character arc (which I’m not going to spoil) feels truly earned and even, dare I say it, redemptive. Strange himself remains the same arrogant yet charming rogue he’s always been, but still manages to learn an important lesson: that he doesn’t always have to be the one ‘holding the knife’ and can depend on other people to avert disaster. Even newcomer America Chavez (stupid name, great character) gets a good arc, where she goes from a mere desperate struggle for survival to a willingness to sacrifice herself that the film actually rewards rather than punishes. Then there’s the elements of body horror, the wholly appropriate cameos from much-loved actors from other franchises, the gorgeous visualisations of alternate Earths and Wong (who’s always a delight). I seem to remember thinking, while watching it, ‘Crikey, this feels a lot like one of those really good Sam Raimi Spiderman movies’. And then Sam Raimi’s name popped up in the credits as the director and I thought ‘ooooh! THAT explains it!’ I always have to mention that it’s a shame Disney ultimately owns Marvel Studios, because Marvel make some good stuff and Disney are just irredeemably evil (everyone talks about their slightly worrying cultural monopoly, but my beef is with their use of near-literal slaves to make their merchandise. I don’t know if that’s still ongoing, since it’s hard to find up-to-date data on it, but they haven’t made a song and dance about stopping, so I have to assume that yes, they’re still into some shady shit). Despite horrible reality casting a pall over the film, though, I still have to give it a hypothetically infinite number out of a hypothetically infinite number of dead Earths.

Sonic The Hedgehog (1 and 2) So, before I was even old enough to pick up a game controller, I used to watch my older sister playing the original Sonic the Hedgehog on the old Sega Master System, where I was entranced by the stylised, brightly coloured visuals, delightful music and the fact that the whole thing seemed to be about a speeding blue blur smashing through robots at ridiculous speed. So yes, obviously, when a Sonic the Hedgehog movie franchise happened, I had to scratch the nostalgia itch and see the bloody things. And how are they? Not bad. I mean, not great, but I had fun, and fun is really their only purpose, so on their own terms, they definitely succeed. The adaptation of Sonic’s personality from the games to the big screen is kind of weirdly handled, insofar as the game character basically knows what the fuck he’s doing and is generally characterised as being fairly relaxed despite his superspeed, whereas film Sonic is a hyperactive ball of manic energy who never shuts the fuck up and has literally no idea what he’s doing (ever) which can get a little grating after awhile. Luckily, Jim Carey’s on hand as the evil Doctor Robotnik to balance him out and, in both movies, he’s kind of the best thing- clearly insane but too smart to be ignored; genuinely menacing while still being funny. There’s a lot more I could say- there’s a surprising amount to dig into with these films. However, I’ll restrain myself because, ultimately, they’re kids’ films with just enough nostalgia-bait in them to pull in the ageing nerd crowd too. Their job is to make you laugh, throw a good visual spectacle onto the screen and send you home feeling happy inside. They’re not the best films in the universe, but they’re good enough and that’s all you need to know. I rate them four out of seven poorly-explained magic emeralds.

And with that, we’ve taken a tour from an incredibly artful and mature film that reimagines the plot of a Shakespeare play through the lens of Norse culture to a dual-movie sequence about a blue hedgehog jumping repeatedly on Jim Carey’s shiny bald head. I’ve been pretty lucky in that nothing I’ve watched lately has been actively terrible, but I do apologise that y’all didn’t get to see me rip into some cinematic garbage with my teeth bared. Them’s the brakes I’m afraid. Maybe next time. But now that you’ve taken this voyage with me and we’ve emerged older, wiser, perhaps a little sadder but still gloriously, undeniably alive… I am going to have ask you respectfully to piss off.

[dodruignotdrugs]

I don't know how to start this but yes: hello :D

Sooo...I won't start this by saying the usual cliché stuff, aka:"Oh I'm new around here and I still have to learn uwu" for I am NOT...new. Let's say I am a veteran and I have been on Tumblr for a couple of years by now, but with another account for the Assassin's Creed fandom (in which I have grow to be quite known there for...my whore like behaviour in the tags) : @itseivwhore .

Just to let you understand HOW BAD I'm obsessed with Druig, with his personality, with his story (and Barry as well, let's not lie) and oh well, I decided to make another account just to do what I am good at: being a hoe for him in the tags AND showing how BAD I appreciate him AND shitposting with some Facebook memes. Because let's admit it: Facebook memes are never enough. AND, and since I'm a writer as well, I'll surely share some x reader I'll write in the future ;) (yes, if you are asking, smuts as well) . Oh and last but not least, I'll reblog tons of stuff as well, because reblogging and supporting other content creators it's important.

This said, I'll leave some basic info there as a first post to let the ones who'll follow me know a little bit more about myself. Because, contrary to people's belief, no , I'm not just a whore for fictional men.

Fandoms :

MCU (obviously watched all the films and series);

DC (even if it's nowhere close as the love/addiction I have for Marvel);

Assassin's Creed (now, the addiction of that one it's STRONG);

The Lord of The Rings/The Hobbit/The Silmarillion ( just everything about Tolkien, that's it);

Vikings (I'm just in love with everything that is Nordic like I swear t...)

Other random information that shows I'm a good person and not only a desperate whore part 2 of -? :

I'm Italian ;)

Bookworm (mostly classics and historical books) ;

100% sarcastic.

I love cats.

Pronouns: she/her

Oh and one last thing: my inbox it's ALWAYS open, so don't be afraid to pop in to leave an ask or whatever you want! The same goes for sending messages: I would love to talk and to have some mutuals in this new account <333

[rigmarolling]

Historical Holiday Traditions We Really Need To Bring Back

Here comes Santa Claus, and also a bunch of annual holiday Things we do to ensure he commits a truly boggling act of breaking and entering and leaves goods underneath the large plant in the living room.

Because I’ve always got a hankerin’ for the days of yore, here are some historical holiday traditions we really need to bring back:

1. Everything that happened on Saturnalia

Saturnalia was the ancient Roman winter festival held on December 25th--which is why we celebrate Christmas on that day and not on the day historians speculate Jesus was actually born, which was probably in the spring. 

Saturnalia was bonkers. As the name suggests, it celebrated the god Saturn, who represented wealth and liberty and generally having a great time.

Above: Their party is way cooler than yours could ever hope to be.

During Saturnalia, masters would serve their slaves, because it was the one day during the year when everybody agreed that freedom for all is great, actually, let’s just do that. Everyone wore a coned hat called the pilleus to denote that they were all bros and equal, and also to disguise the fact that they hadn’t brushed their hair after partying hard all week, probably.

Gambling was allowed on Saturnalia, so all of Rome basically turned into ancient Vegas, complete with Caesar’s Palace, except with the actual Caesar and his palace because he was, you know. Alive. 

The most famous part (besides getting drunk off your rocker) was gift-giving--usually gag gifts. Historians have records of people giving each other some truly impressive white elephant gifts for Saturnalia, including: a parrot, balls, toothpicks, a pig, one single sausage, spoons, and deliberately awful books of poetry. 

Above: Me, except all the time.

Partygoers also crowned a King of Saturnalia, which was a predecessor to the King of Fools popular in medieval festivals. The king was basically the head idiot who delivered absurd commands to everyone there, like, “Sing naked!” or “run around screaming for an hour,” or “slap your butt cheeks real hard in front of your crush; DO IT, Brutus.”

Oh, wait. Everyone was already doing all that. Hell yes.

(Quick clarification: early celebrations of Saturnalia did feature human sacrifice, so let’s just leave that bit out and instead wear the pointy hats and sing naked, okay? Io Saturnalia, everybody.)

2. Leaving out treats for Sleipnir in the hopes of avoiding Odin’s complete disregard for your property

The whole “leave out cookies and milk for Santa” thing comes from a much older tradition of trying to appease old guys with white beards. In Norse mythology, Odin, who was sort of the head god but preferred to be on a perpetual road trip instead, took an annual nighttime ride through the winter sky called the Wild Hunt. 

Above: The holidays, now with 300% more heavy metal.

Variations of the Wild Hunt story exist in a bunch of European folklore--in Odin’s case, he usually brought along a bunch of supernatural buddies, like spirits and other gods and Valkyries and ghost dogs, who, the Vikings said, you could hear howling and barking as the group approached (GOOD DOGGOS).

That was the thing, though; you never actually saw Odin’s hunt--you only heard it. And hearing it did not spark the same sense of childish glee you felt when you thought you heard Santa’s sleigh bells approaching as a kid--instead, the Vikings said, you should be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Because Odin could be kind of a dick.

Odin was also known as the Allfather, and like any father, he hated asking for directions. GPS who? I’m the Allfather, I’m riding the same way I always ride.

And that was pretty much it: “I took this road last year and I’m taking it again this year.”

“But,” someone would pipe up from the back, “there are houses on the road now--we’re gonna run right into them. We could just take a different path; there’s actually a detour off the--”

“Nope,” Odin would say. “They know the rules. My road, my hunt, my rules. We’re going this way.”

So if you were unlucky enough to have built your house along one of Odin’s favorite road trip sky-ways, he wouldn’t just plow right past you.

He would burn your entire house down--and your family along with it.

Kids playing in the yard? Torch ‘em; they should have known better. Grandma knitting while she waits for her gingerbread Einherjar to finish baking? Sucks to be her; my road, my rules, my beard, I’m the Allfather, bitch.

Above: Santa, but so much worse.

To be fair to Odin, he could be a cool guy sometimes. He just turned into any dad when he was on a road trip and wanted to MAKE GOOD TIME, DAMN IT, I AM NOT STOPPING; YOU SHOULD HAVE PEED BEFORE WE LEFT.

To ensure they didn’t incur Odin’s road trip wrath, the Vikings had a few ways of smoothing things over with Dad.

They would leave Odin offerings on the road, like pieces of steel (??? okay ???) or bread for his dogs, or food for his giant, eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, because the only true way to a man’s heart is through his pet. 

People would generally leave veggies and oats and other horse-y things out for Sleipnir, whose eight legs made him the fastest flying horse in the world and also made him the only horse to ever win Asgard’s coveted tap dancing championship. 

(Side note: EIGHT legs...EIGHT tiny reindeer...eh? Eh? See how we got here? Thanks, nightmare horse!)

Above: An excellent prancer AND dancer. 

And if Odin was feeling particularly charitable and not in the mood for horrific acts of arson, children would also leave their shoes out for him--it was said that he’d put gifts in your boots to ring in a happy new year.

If all that didn’t work and the Vikings heard the hunt approaching, they would resort to throwing themselves on the ground and covering their heads while the massive party sped above them like a giant Halloween rager. 

So this holiday season, leave your boots out for Odin and some carrots out for his giant spider horse or you and your entire family will die in a fiery inferno, the end.

3. Yule Logs

Speaking of Scandinavia, another Northern European winter solstice tradition was the yule log. Today, if you google “yule log,” something like this will pop up:

...which isn’t an actual log, but is instead log-shaped food that you shove into your mouth along with 500 other cakes at the same time because it’s CHRISTMAS, and I’m having ME TIME; so WHAT if I ate the whole jar of Nutella by myself, alone, in the dark at 3 am?

But that log cake is actually inspired by actual logs of yore that Celtic, Germanic, and Scandinavian peoples decorated with fragrant plants like holly, ivy, pinecones, and other Stuff That Smells Nice before tossing the log into the fire.

This served a few purposes: 

It smelled nice, and Bath and Body Works scented candles hadn’t been invented yet.

It had religious and/or spiritual significance as a way to mark the winter solstice.

It was a symbolic way of ringing in the new year and kicking out the old.

Common belief held that the ashes of a yule log could ward off lightning strikes and bad energy.

Winter cold. Fire warm.

Everybody loves to watch things burn. (See: Odin.)

The yule log cakes we eat today got their start in 19th century Paris, when bakers thought it was a cute idea to resurrect an ancient pagan tradition in the form of a delicious dessert, and boy, howdy, were they right.

In any case, I’m 100% down with eating a chocolate yule log while burning an actual yule log in my backyard because everybody loves to watch things burn; winter cold, fire warm; and hnnnngggg pine tree smell hnnnnggg.

(Quick note:  The word “yule” is  the name of a traditional pagan winter festival, still celebrated culturally or religiously in modern pagan practice. It’s also another name for Odin. He had a bunch of other names, one of the most well-known being jólfaðr, which is Old Norse for “Yule father.” If you would like to royally piss him off, or if you are Loki, feel free to call him “Yule Daddy.”)

4. Upside down Christmas trees

I just found out that apparently, upside down Christmas trees are a hot new trend with HGTV types this year, so I guess this is one historical trend we did bring back, meaning it doesn’t really belong on this list, but I’m gonna talk about it, anyway.

Side note: Oh, my god, that BANNISTER. I NEED.

Historians aren’t actually sure where the inverted Christmas tree thing came from, but we know people were bringing home trees and then hanging them upside down in the living room as early as the 7th century. We have a couple theories as to why people turned trees on their heads:

Logistically, it’s way easier to hang a giant pine tree from your rafters upside down by its trunk and roots. You just hoist that baby up there, wind some rope around the rafter and the trunk, and boom. Start decorating.

A Christian tradition says that one day in the 7th century, a Benedictine monk named Saint Boniface stumbled across a group of pagans worshipping an oak tree. So, instead of minding his own damn business, he cut the tree down and replaced it with a fir tree. While the pagans were like, “Dude, what the hell?” Boniface used the triangular shape of the fir tree to explain the concept of the holy trinity to the pagans. Some versions have him planting it right-side up, others having him displaying a fir tree upside down. Either way, it’s still a triangle that’s a solid but ultimately very rude way of explaining God. Word’s still out on whether anyone was converted or just rightly pissed off that this random guy strolled into their place of worship, chopped down their sacred tree, and plopped HIS tree down instead. Please do not do that this holiday season.

Eastern Europeans lay claim to the upside-down tree phenomenon with a tradition called podłazniczek in Poland--people hung the tree from the ceiling and decorated it with fruits and nuts and seeds and ribbons and other festive doodads. 

(God, who lives in these houses? Look at that. That’s like a swanky version of Gaston’s hunting lodge. Where do I get one? Which enchanted castle do I have to stumble into to chill out in a Christmas living room like that?)

Today, at least in the West, upside-down trees are making a comeback because...I don’t know. Chip and Joanna Gaines said so. 

Some folks say it’s a surefire way to keep your cats from clawing their way through the tree and then puking up fir needles for weeks afterward, which checks out for me.

5. Incredibly weird Victorian Christmas cards

So back in the 19th century, the Christmas card industry was really getting fired up. Victorians loved their mail, let me tell you. They loved sending it. They loved getting it. They loved writing it. They loved opening it. They loved those sexy wax seals you use to keep all that sweet, sweet mail inside that sizzling envelope. (Those things are incredibly sexy. Have you ever made a wax seal? Oh, man, it’s hot.)

The problem, though, was that while the Victorians arguably helped standardize many of the holiday traditions we know and love today (Christmas trees, caroling, Dickens everything, spending too much money, etc.) back in 1800-whenever, a lot of that Christmas symbolism was, um...still under construction. No one had really agreed on which visual holiday cues worked and which...didn’t.

Meaning everyone just kind of made up their own holiday symbols. Which resulted in monstrous aberrations like this card:

What the hell is that? A beet? Is that a beet? Or a turnip? Why is it...oh, God, why does it have a man’s head? Why does the man beet have insect claws? 

What is it that he’s holding? A cookie? Cardboard? A terra cotta planter?

And then there’s this one:

“A Merry Christmas to you,” it says, while depicting a brutal frog murder/mugging. 

What are you trying to tell me? Are you threatening me with this card? Is that it? Is this a threat? How the hell am I supposed to interpret this? “Merry Christmas, hide your money or you’re dead, you stupid bitch.”

Also, why is the dead frog naked? Did the other frog steal his clothes after the murder? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?

Victorian holiday cards also doubled as early absurdist Internet memes, apparently, because how else do I explain this?

Is this some sort of tiny animal Santa? A mouse riding a lobster? Like, the mouse, I get. Mice are fine. Disney built an empire on a mouse. And look, he’s got a little list of things he’s presumably going to bring you: Peace, joy, health, happiness. (In French. Oh, wait, is that that Patton Oswalt rat?)

But a LOBSTER? What’s with the lobster? It’s basically a sea scorpion. Why in the name of all that is good and holy would you saddle up a LOBSTER? I hate it. I hate it so, so much. Just scurrying around the floor with more legs than are strictly necessary, smelling like the seafood section of Smith’s, snapping its giant claws.

This whole card is a health inspector’s worst nightmare. It really is.

I gotta say, though, I am a fan of this one:

Presumably, that polar bear is going in for a hug because nothing stamps out a polar bear’s innate desire to rip your face from your skull than candy canes and Coke and Christmas spirit.

This next one is actually fantastic, but for all the wrong reasons:

I know everyone overuses “same” these days but geez, LOOK at that kid. I can HEAR it. SAME.

If you’ve ever been in a shopping mall stuffed with kids, nothing sums it up better than this card. This is like the perverse version of those Anne Geddes portraits that were everywhere in the late 90s. “Make wee Jacob sit in the tea pot; everyone will--Jacob, STOP, look at Mommy; I said LOOK. AT. MOMMY--everyone will love it.”

Actually, you know what? Every other Christmas card is cancelled. This is the only card we will be using from now on. This is it. 

Wait, no. We can also use this one:

Merry Christmas. Here’s a fuckin’...just a dead fuckin’ bird.

[moviemunchies]

I’m going to start with pointing out that this: 

“Lo there do I see my father. Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers. Lo, there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning. Lo, they call out to me. They bid me take my place among them In the halls of Valhalla where the brave shall live forever.”

--is FROM this movie. I keep seeing it, or variations of it, circulated around media as if it’s a genuine historical prayer that Norsemen used in funerals. From well-meaning Tumblr users making gifsets to English white supremacist douchebags to freaking God of War this gets copied and pasted all the time and it makes me mad. One of those links goes into the history of the quote, which is derived from the book, which itself is derived from the historical record, but the words “Lo there do I see my father”? It’s not! I don’t mind that the movie uses this, but I hate that people, many of whom haven’t even seen this film, think it’s a piece of historical religion when it’s nothing of the sort.

STOP CLAIMING THIS IS HISTORY. IT ISN’T.

Anyway let’s actually talk about this movie.

Michael Crichton, on a bet from a colleague, wrote a book called Eaters of the Dead that’s a retelling of Beowulf from the point of view of Ibn Fadlan, a real life historical explorer who encountered Norsemen and is one of our early sources about Nordic culture in the medieval period. The book is meant to be read as a recently rediscovered historical document, but it’s also kind of a horror story, that strips away the overt supernatural elements of the original poem while still feeling like an epic fantasy quest and including other elements that are more speculative than historical, but still not outright magical.

It’s an interesting book, if you’re curious for something different.

A movie was made that was relatively faithful to the book, and then test audiences didn’t like it, so the director got fired and half of it was reshot by Crichton himself in the director’s chair and released. It didn’t do so well, costing the studio millions of dollars. But weirdly enough, I think the movie is seen fondly enough by casual audiences these days. It’s entered the culture somehow or another, if the prevalence of the “old Viking prayer” is anything to go by.

Basically, it goes like this: after falling in love with another man’s wife, Ibn Fadlan is reassigned from Baghdad to a far out post as an ambassador. He runs into some Norsemen, who are having a funeral for their king, and is there when they are called to go north and fight an unnamed evil by King Hrothgar. The soothsayer tells them that they need thirteen warriors, and that the thirteenth warrior must be a foreigner. So Ibn Fadlan, despite not being a fighter, gets roped into this adventure. He and his companions go on the journey and fight the wendol, a race of monsters that come with the mist and attack, taking people’s heads and eating corpses. They have to figure out how to kill these things and bring peace back to the land.

The main weakness with this movie, in my opinion, is that I don’t know who most of these people are. A good chunk of them aren’t named on screen in the film, despite the fact that there are thirteen of them. Vladimir Kulich, who plays Buliwyf, had his own ideas as to how to fix that in a short amount of time--have a scene during the trip where the camera goes through the entire crew, pausing on each member and showing their traits, but this never happened.

But the main Norseman in the group that Ibn Fadlan hangs out with? I could not tell you his name. According to things I’ve looked up, it's ‘Herger’ but I couldn’t be sure that’s accurate. That’s frustrating. I don’t need all of their backstories (although why one of them is apparently a Scotsman would be nice to know), but I would like to know at least a handful of their names so I cared what happened to them. Oddly, the credits give them a quick descriptor, but not all of those descriptors actually match, and it isn’t as if there’s indicators before some of them are killed off.

What I can tell you is that Antonio Banderas plays Ibn Fadlan. He does pretty well considering he’s not Arab. Yes, it would have been better to get an Arabic performer, but Banderas isn’t bad in the role. He’s a lot more of an action hero in the movie than in the book, but not so much that I ever felt like it was too much of a stretch.

Dennis Storhoi is Herger, the one Norseman who gets the most personality. He’s clearly having fun in the role, playing a Norseman who acts like he doesn’t take anything seriously but has a better grasp of what the others are thinking and how they’re going to act than he lets on. I liked him.

I mentioned Vladimir Kulich earlier plays Buliwyf, this story’s Beowulf. He plays it very stoically, which I felt worked for the character they’re portraying. However, I can understand if some viewers found it a boring performance. I didn’t think so--I thought he came across as thoughtful and calm despite his situation, very rarely having to raise his voice and yet still commanding respect.

The action scenes are alright--I can’t say there were amazing fight sequences, but they do feel like appropriately epic battles, and there aren’t any annoying camera tricks, and absolutely no CGI at all that I can find.

So yes, it’s a bit corny as a historical epic movie, but I think it holds up well enough. It’s a bit of fun, and if you’re familiar with the original poem, it’s an enjoyable movie. I think it’s worth seeing. I can understand that it’s not for everyone, but for me it worked.

I’m just tired of seeing that “traditional Viking prayer” all over the place.