#which is probably the most interesting of the barons but with comparatively few lines

[mariocki]

Christopher Rhodes, Percy Herbert, Niall MacGinnis and Peter Jeffrey, as the four barons, opposite Peter O'Toole as the King, in Peter Glenville's 1964 film adaptation of Becket. Peter Jeffrey was the only member of the original RSC production to be cast in the film version of the play, albeit in a reduced role

[btsficsforthehumble]

adj.: 1. Modern, unfamiliar, or different

2. Not based on or conforming to what is generally done or believed

pairing: reader x ot7

genre: college au; angst, fluff, smut, poly, ot7

Summary: You begin your first year at a prestigious university, set out on achieving your academic goals when a series of men step into your life that change the way you view the definition of love.

A/N: Thank you to the glorious minjoonalist for this banner! Everyone give her some love <3

Part One

Warnings: none in this chapter

Word count: 2k

It’s your first day.

First day entering the world of higher education, on the path to betterment (or whatever the dean said in his boring introductory presentation). To tell the truth, you were pretty zoned out as various speakers talked to the thousands of students that would now become your peers. Those hard ass plastic seats were NOT conducive for attentive listening.

Regardless, you pushed through, and here you are, Monday morning, at 8:45 sharp, sitting in yet another hard ass plastic seat. This time however, you had a small wooden desk in front of you, in line with about a couple dozen others. This was your first class --- Calculus.

You were always good at math compared to the average student, however, being placed with the super smart kids all the time made you self conscience and at worst, made you feel stupid. You were too good at math for the standard curriculum, but felt too dumb for the advanced one. It’s no surprise that math quickly became your least favorite subject.

That hadn’t changed. You were dreading this class, even though you took calculus already in high school --- theoretically, it shouldn’t be that difficult. You knew however, that you had absolutely no willpower when it came to studying math. And considering the fact that you are now attending a prestigious university, one known for their STEM programs, you felt adequately nervous.

You glanced around the classroom, baron except for the desks and the large whiteboard covering the expanse of the front wall. A few other students showed up early as well, mostly looking either as nervous as you felt, or tired like they had just enjoyed their first weekend at college perhaps a little too much.

You yourself hadn’t gone too crazy, going to a single party on Saturday where you only had one drink --- lame even by your own standards. However, you were just getting to know your roommates, and felt it best to remain sober enough to keep an eye out on them or manage any situation this new environment would throw you.

You weren’t close with any of your peers from your high school that also attended your university, and it seemed your roommates were in the same boat. So, naturally, you all decided to go out together as new friends. They all seemed to be nice, and you got along well with everyone so far. You hoped that wouldn’t change.

You sigh gently to yourself while reflecting upon your less than thrilling weekend. You hope that one day you’d let yourself experience the wild college parties that you've heard about. You want to know what it felt like to get properly drunk and dance with a cute stranger without any worries in the back of your head.

Speaking of cute strangers, you take a glance around the classroom, steadily filling up with students. You might as well see if there were any hotties in the class that you knew you’d rather daydream about than pay attention to exponent integrations.

You spotted a boy sitting a ways away from you that caught your attention. His legs were stretched out in front of his desk, in a way that screamed “I don’t care if you trip over me, in fact, I dare you.”

His attention was glued to his phone, as he appeared to be taking snapchats --- probably for some obnoxiously beautiful girls, you thought to yourself, eyes rolling slightly. You had to admit though, he was quite attractive. He had dark brown hair, covering his forehead and slightly swept to the side. His eyes were a dark brown to match, and were quite cute. He had a nice nose and clear skin. His most striking feature was his lips however. He had lips that were larger than the average guy and they looked very kissable. And his frame was decently large, his shoulders wide and masculine, juxtaposing his cute eyes and lips.

You blushed at your own thoughts about the stranger across the room, knowing you were getting entirely carried away in your state of boredom. You still had five minutes until class was supposed to begin. You put away your own phone, which you were holding in your hands as some sort of social protection, in your backpack. You then pulled out your fresh new binder with graph paper, lined paper, tabs, dividers, the whole nine yards. You may not enjoy math, but organization always brought you some level of mental tranquility.

You pull out a pen just as you glance up to see a boy standing in front of you, with the brightest, thousand watt smile on his face. His backpack was slung over one shoulder, his hand in his jeans pocket. He had on a loose tee-shirt that somehow flattered his slim frame. You could tell that he wasn’t a meek first year still finding his bearings. He must be at least a second year. You feel your face heat up as you make eye contact, seeing that he’s looking directly at you.

“Hi there! Is this seat taken?” His eyes widen almost comically as he points to the seat directly in front of you.

“Ah no, no it’s empty.” You cringe internally as you notice your less than relaxed delivery.

He gives you another dazzling smile as he plops in the seat in front of you, pulling out his own simple notebook and pencil.

You rub your forehead trying to get yourself to calm down. You need to not turn red every time a cute boy talks to you, let alone look in your direction. This is so not like you.

You manage to calm yourself down, ready to begin your first class so your attention is off the boy sitting in front of you.

Your professor must have walked in as you were mentally reprimanding yourself, because you hear an authoritative man's voice come from the front of the room when 9 o’clock hits. You immediately began trying to pay attention, writing down all of the information he put on the board even though it’s stuff already in the syllabus. The truth was that you simply needed to throw yourself into a task to keep your mind from straying back onto the boy in front of you.

About seven minutes later, the door to the classroom swings open and another boy walks through, giving the prof a quick salute and grin in apology. You, as well as the rest of the class, had naturally turned your eyes towards the distraction. As soon as it was found to just be a straggler, everyone’s attention quickly shifted back to the professor in front. Your curiosity was piqued by his confident, goofy nature, however.

You couldn’t help but keep your eyes on him a moment longer. He had shaggy dark hair, tanned skin, and a smile that was strikingly unique as it was a little bit of a square shape. He was devastatingly handsome, and you had a feeling he knew it too. Your hypothesis was instantly supported as he made eye contact with you, noticing you looking at him longer than your peers. He flashes a smirk your way that you’re pretty sure could knock anyone’s panties off.

You mentally start screaming and feel yourself turning the color of a freaking fire truck. You quickly jerk your head back down to your notes and refuse to look back up to meet his eyes.

It appears he wasn’t going to give you a break though. You felt the air woosh past you as he walks down your aisle and stops immediately behind you, taking the empty seat.

Great.

Now, you were sandwiched between two guys that you're pretty sure were the most attractive you’d seen in a long while. Not to mention the guy several rows over that you were ogling before they even arrived. You quickly realized that there wasn’t a chance in hell your full attention was going to be on the lecture during this class.

Your entire body sagged with relief when your fifty minute class was up and the professor released everyone. Noticing, the boy behind you leaned forward and huskily whispered, “You’re not a morning person either, huh?”

You froze for half a second at the sound of his voice. It was deep and silky, and my god was it sexy. And he was talking to you.

“You could say that.” You were shocked at his attention but somehow managed to pull out a response that didn’t make you look like an idiot. You didn’t bother turning around to look at him as you answered, deciding not to let him see how pink your cheeks were as you returned your items to your bag.

He let out a little chuckle and stood up.

“I’m Taehyung. And you, my little night owl, are?” He drew out the are waiting for your response.

You too stood up, putting your backpack on.

“I, Taehyung, am off to my next class.” You were annoyed that he seemed to take notice of your attention on him in the beginning of the class and thought that you were a fun little target to flirt with. You knew he wasn’t interested, but merely found it fun to take advantage of his good looks. This allowed you to get over your schoolgirl crush behavior and return to your normal self, which you knew had more of a bite than necessary at times. You had developed a tough edge at a young age and you think that it has protected you a lot already in your short life.

He raised an eyebrow at the sudden appearance of sass and gave you another grin. You simply rolled your eyes and turned on your heel to march yourself out of the classroom, joining the other students that were filtering out. By the time you had turned around, the cute guy with the smile that made your heart melt had already left. You were slightly disappointed to your own chagrin. Why on Earth are you paying attention to boys when you knew you had other priorities? It’s not like anything would come of it anyway.

Throughout high school, you steered away from boys in a romantic sense and they more than happily did the same. You knew you were intimidating, as you had a sharp mouth and quick wit. No one messed with you and you liked it that way. You had kept to yourself, and kept your grades high. You just didn’t have any interest in the boys you’ve known since you were a kid.

As you walked to your next class, you silently cursed yourself for not being cool and collected the entire period. Where was that icy exterior that you had curated for years? How did a simple smile from the boy in front of you turn you into a puddle? How did that annoyingly hot guy behind you manage to blindside you at first?

You nearly stopped in your tracks and groaned when you realized that you had that class every. single. day. It was five credits, so that meant Monday through Friday, you’d be there 9 in the morning, attempting to not think about the cute boys around you.

You were giddy deep, deep down that such cute guys were in your class but the more level headed side of you knew it was in vain. It’s not like they’d go for you or anything. And besides, they would only distract you from the class that you already knew was going to be a struggle.

You pinched your eyes shut when you slid into your seat in your next class.

You had a feeling it was going to be a long semester.

[darylandbethfanforever9]

Devil’s Backbone

Devil’s Backbone

Chapter 3

AN: I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far, and thank you everyone who has commented, reblogged or liked the story :)

Story Rating: Explicit, 18+

Warnings: Smut, violence, flashbacks of past sexual assault, descriptions of torture and racial hate. Not Tony Stark friendly.

Relationships: Bucky/OC, Steve/Natasha, Billy/Wanda/Grant, Sam/Sharon, Clint/Laura, eventual Clint/Yelena and Frank/Karen Page.

Summary: In the aftermath of the Blip, Bucky struggled to find his place among the world and the Avengers. However, when he is sent on a mission to Madripoor to investigate a mysterious woman, he starts to realize maybe his past isn’t too far behind him. Co-Written with WalkingPotterGirl14.

The girls at the Red Room would whisper about the Winter Soldier. He was a ghost story, a tale whispered to keep them in line by warning them if they didn't succeed in the classes or missions, that the soldat would creep into their room and kill them.

She remembered seeing those cold eyes watching her and over girls when he had come to the academy to train one of their classes. He had thrown a young girl called Polina Paseka across the room after she failed four times to do a pirouette in ballet class.

She frowned as she tried to make sense of how the Winter Soldier had escaped the Red Room. It was rare when someone was able to make it out, almost impossible. She decided to call Carter and inquire about the soldier. Her interest was piqued by the man. Maybe she would know something.

Bucky and the others returned to the compound to inform Fury about the black ops team that the Power Broker had sent to kidnap Isaiah and Eli Bradley. The man must have been hellbent on creating the serum after Zemo destroyed the ones that Dr. Nadler had created. "Hill is identifying the people who were sent to kidnap Isaiah and his grandson. Two of them have already been identified," Fury announced grimly. He pulled up two images of two men, one of whom that Bucky recognized instantly. Jack Rollins. He knew him from being there at the Ideal Federal Savings bank when he had his mind wiped by Pierce after trying to kill Steve, Sam and Natasha in Washington D.C. "You might remember the guy on the left, Barnes and Rogers. That is Jack Rollins, former member of the STRIKE Team. After fleeing the U.S., he settled in Madripoor and began working as a mercenary for the highest bidder. Tomas Calderon is a former S.H.I.E.L.D agent, who was fired after killing a group of Inhuman refugees in Nairobi, Kenya," Fury explained gravely. He paused for a moment before glancing their way. "Rogers, Wilson, I want you to ask Carter if she knows how long this mystery young woman has been living in Madripoor. See if there's a gang war brewing over a power struggle. Barnes, Barton and Maximoff, I want you three to talk to Russo, Karen Page, Murdock, and Curtis Hoyle. See what they know about the Power Broker," the director instructed. They nodded and all left.

The first thing Ana decided to do was renovate the whole damn penthouse that the Power Broker owned. She ordered new bedding, a new mattress, and a nice bed frame. There was no way in hell she was sleeping in his bed. She followed suit with the rest of the apartment, glad to have all this control now. The next thing she did was arrange a meeting with all the criminals who lived in Madripoor. She was putting down some rules. She was no saint - far from it - but no way in hell was she tolerating slavery, sex trafficking, and fucking child molesters and pedophiles. She knew Madripoor thrived on crime, but she was going to be instilling some rules for everyone. She personally called off the bounties on the Winter Soldier, the Falcon and Baron Zemo, from what she had heard around. She had no quarrel with them at the minute. Her main focus was going to be ensuring the Red Room remained shut down. She didn't want anyone else to go through what she had gone through. No child deserved that horror. The buzzer rang then, and she answered the call immediately. She had a feeling that a few of them were going to be aggravating. But she had dealt with worse people. "Miss Liukin, this is Conrad Mack. You wish to speak with me about a beneficial arrangement between us?" The man asked politely. She smiled slightly. "Please come in, Mr. Mack," she said smoothly. The door was unlocked and locked behind him. She might have her bodyguards, but she wasn't defenseless by herself if Conrad decided to play dirty. Two could play at that game. Conrad Mack entered the living room. He was a handsome man in person. He had dark brown eyes, but there was a sharpness in them, like an eagle, always watching. He was wearing casual, but smart clothing. "Mr. Mack, it's a pleasure to meet with you. I've heard a lot of things about you," Ana said warmly. The man offered her a charming smile that showed perfect white teeth. "The pleasure is all mine, Miss Liukin. I have to say that I'm impressed by your bloodless takeover of Madripoor. If you don't mind me asking, what inspired you to take over Madripoor from the Power Broker?" She smiled at his question, as she sipped from her glass of red wine and Conrad drank from his glass of whisky. The man was a gangster, but he did have morals. She decided to give him some of the truth. "The Power Broker wished to recreate the Super Soldier serum after Baron Zemo destroyed the vials that Karli Morgenthau stole from him. But he wanted me to kidnap a man called Isaiah Bradley and his grandson…I presume you know who he is?" she asked meaningfully. Conrad nodded, his smile turning to a grimace. "Yeah, I know who he is. My grandaddy fought with him in World War II. The US government threw him in jail and took his blood. He escaped during the eighties and settled down in Baltimore," the man said bitterly, well aware of America's racial discrimination against African-Americans. Ana nodded at his answer as she looked at the Monet art that decorated the walls. She disliked racists fiercely. "Then you understand why the Power Broker had to go, Conrad?" He lets out a quiet nod at that. "As I've said before, I'm not a saint. I've done some horrible things. But I draw the line at people dragging innocents back into their dirty hands. For years I had no control of what I was able to do, and now that I do, you can bet I'm going to make sure that no one else gets hurt like that." Conrad smiles to that. "That's very noble of you." Ana snorts and shakes her head. "Not noble. It's called being a human. However,…I'm not a good person too. And the reason we're here is because of that." She comes over to him, leaning against her chair. "I know about your little business on the side here. You thrive from the drug community here, don't you?" "If we're being honest, it is one of, if not the most, profitable business you can have in Madripoor." "On the brink of a collapse the city would be if that whole system decided to go belly-up," Ana states, holding her glass in her hands. "Which is why I'm willing to offer a truce with you. An agreement, of sorts. If you keep a low profile and continue your business, I'll make sure it can still run with the people here and the cops won't be on your ass. I know how hard it can be to stay on the downlow but I'm willing to compromise on that as long as your guys don't interfere with what I'm trying to do." Conrad raises an eyebrow. "You're very interesting, you know that?" She raises an eyebrow back at him. "How so?" "You're like the opposite version of what you say you are. You're trying to be good but also trying to keep crime going…it's a strange contradiction, if you will." Ana shrugs her shoulders, walking over to where he sits. "We all have our contradictions. But the main part here is making sure your business can still run despite those contradictions. So…" She holds out her hand to him. "Do we have a deal?" Conrad looks at her hand for a split second before extending outwards, shaking it firmly. "We have a deal."

Talking with Karen, Frank, Matthew and Foggy had gone about as well as Bucky had been expecting. They didn't know that much about the Power Broker except for the fact that he just wanted to have as much power as possible, simple as that. They had stumbled into them when Fisk had gone away to jail, leaving his powerful empire in the city free for the taking. Due to the power vacuum, the Power Broker had tried to break in.

But luckily, they had come in at the right moment to stop him from taking over, before he had escaped off to Madripoor. Bucky truly wondered what went through this man's mind to make him think like that, that he could suddenly own everyone just because one man got arrested. But then again, the man was clearly unstable. If he wanted to still create more and more super-solder serums for the world to use…there was no way he would allow that. Secretly, Bucky really hoped this new mysterious woman had killed the Power Broker. Hell, maybe even taken over herself. If she was willing to help Sharon out and let them know about Isiah, she at least had some sort of morals compared to the original man. But he also had a feeling that Fury, if he did find out who this woman was, was most likely going to send them after her. So maybe he'd get the chance to meet her after all. A part of him still couldn't believe that he had seen Ana at a coffee shop…it was such a small world. A part of her still felt so familiar, and at the same time he couldn't remember where he had seen her before. He was thankful that the Wakandan's had gotten out all the trigger words in his mind but damn it, he wished he had his whole mind back. Something he would just have to live with for now.

Was this a stupid idea? Probably. Could Fury walk in at any moment? Most likely. But Natasha needed to know. She had to know if this woman was alive truly or not. Maybe she would get lucky, and they would be able to swing around this situation. Maybe the woman who had come into the facility wasn't even close to her. When Nat and Yelena had destroyed the Red Room area, they had been able to access their system remotely to be able to view who had died and who had lived from the program. She had never checked for her to see if she was still around. But this time was better than no time. She typed in the name quickly, searching through the files before she lands on the one, she had wanted. And her shoulders sink as soon as she reads through the file on the computer screen. 'Anastasia Liukin. Dead – complications of operation.' "Oh, thank God," Natasha breathes out, running her hand through her hair. This at least said that she was gone. Maybe she would be able to get out of this alive. But something still didn't sit right. A part of her didn't think that she was dead. If it wasn't her…then who? She bites her lip, glancing deeper into the file.

"Fuck it," she said finally, before delving further into the files. She found information on Anastasia about the year she was born. The young woman had been born on July 10, 1995 in Voronezh, Voronezh Oblast, Russia in the aftermath of the Soviet Union collapsing. Her mother had died when she was five years old, and she had no one else to raise her. She was then placed in an orphanage until the age of seven when the Red Room had approached her under the illusion of being taken to a ballet boarding school. There were no other records of her aside from the file about her dying from an operation. The reasons for the operation were redacted, but deep-down Natasha knew the reason. 'I had to do it. I had to protect Yelena. She was too soft for the Red Room despite all the training we put her through,' she thought rationally, ignoring the pang of guilt that pulsed through her.

Sharon was honestly trying to keep herself calm as she drove to the penthouse that was owned by the Power Broker. She hadn't seen the mysterious woman again, but she had told Sharon to call her Ana. Now, she was driving there and was stunned by the sight before her very eyes. The building itself was amazing and very spacious, but the apartment was even better. She was shown into the penthouse by a bodyguard and kept her face neutral as she was greeted by none other than Ana. "You wanted to see me?" She asked politely. Ana smiled at her calmly as Sharon sat down on the comfortable black velvet sofa. The living room was very spacious but had a homey-vibe around it. There were framed photographs on the mantelpiece. "Yes. I was wondering if I could buy some of the Art Deco paintings and sculptures in your art gallery?" Ana asked curiously. Sharon blinked in surprise but nodded and leaned forward. "I'll be happy to sell you them, Miss Liukin," she said reassuringly, stunned that the woman wasn't going to kill her for helping Bucky, Sam and Zemo escape from the Power Broker. Speaking of the man, she hadn't seen him around Madripoor for the last couple of days. She wondered if finally, someone had killed him for having too much control and power. Considering Ana was in his penthouse, she had quite the feeling it had something to do with her, since the man had been tied up by her not that long ago. "Then I'll see you tomorrow morning. I'll enjoy doing business with you, Sharon," Ana said kindly, her voice genuine. Sharon nodded as they both walked out, seeing that the whole penthouse was being renovated. At Sharon looking, Ana smiled as she put her bottle of water down on the coffee table. "This penthouse belonged to the Power Broker, and it didn't give a welcoming feel. So, I decided to have the whole house renovated, including an indoor ballet studio, along with an indoor swimming pool, a library, and many bedrooms," the woman explained amusedly. Sharon smiled before saying goodbye and Ana watched her leave. She had to admit, it seemed the women had the strength to stay around – and wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.

Bucky was annoyed with himself. He felt like he had seen Ana before and not at the coffee shop. It was irritating to say the very least, as he walked to the conference room, where Fury was holding a team meeting. He entered the room, sitting next to Steve, Sam, Clint and Wanda as Billy and Grant joined them. He wasn't surprised to see Scott Lang and Hope van Dyne being in the room but was wary about seeing Bruce and Tony in the room. Both of them, along with Natasha and Yelena, despised him. He didn't blame Natasha for hating him - he had tried to kill her three times, and had attempted to apologize, but she had refused his apology. "Now that you're all here, I have news about the mystery woman who infiltrated the compound. We ran her through Interpol, MI6, FBI, and the S.H.I.E.L.D database and found nothing on her. She's unknown to us," Fury explained gravely, his face betraying nothing. "So, what you want us to do then? It's pretty obvious that she's dangerous if she escaped the HYDRA base, and they had her in cyrostasis," Tony questioned suspiciously. It was Steve spoke up. "That doesn't necessarily mean that she's dangerous, Tony. She's most like been forcibly placed in cyrostasis. We did uncover some possible information," Steve informed Fury, who looked interested as he looked at the man. "What did you and the team find out then?" The director inquired curiously. He was clearly wondering if the young woman was a threat to them. "We did some digging - plus Sharon called us this morning. The Power Broker might possibly be dead, as he's not been seen for at least three days. He was last seen Monday night, and had arranged to meet a young woman to discuss kidnapping Isaiah and Eli Bradley, so he could use their blood to recreate the Super-Soldier serum. According to Sharon, the young woman refused to comply, and a fight broke out," Steve explained quietly, his voice not quite disapproving at the young woman's actions and possibly murdering the Power Broker. "She was the person who told Sharon about the attack on Isiah." Fury looked thoughtful and looked around at everyone who was sitting at the table. Natasha and Yelena were silent, but they were clearly hiding something. "Is there something you'd like to add, Belova and Romanoff?" he asked calmly. Natasha nodded. "There is something I'd like to add, Fury." Natasha stands as she grabs the file of Ana, placing it on the table. "I did some digging on this girl with the file that we found in the HYDRA base in Siberia. As the ones who shut down the Red Room and the areas surrounding it, we are allowed remote access to the former directory of agents that we've had interactions with. It turns out that Ana has actually died from an operation due to unforeseen circumstances," Natasha states. "At least that was what her records state." "Hold on." Bucky stands from where he was, gesturing to the file. "That's impossible. We've been doing our own research and there has been some steady evidence that she's still alive." "Barnes, I remember her. She's gone." "That's impossible because I saw her literally days ago," Bucky says angrily, but he holds back his temper to a point. He didn't want to let go of his own morals because Nat's words contradicted his own. Her brow raises in shock. "You're-wait, what? How the hell did you-" "She was in a coffee shop," Bucky states, crossing his arms against his chest. "A couple days ago before heading off. I didn't learn the girl's name, but she looked exactly like Ana. There's no mistaking it." "You're insane, she's gone!" "No, she's not!" "ENOUGH!" Fury yells, his booming voice causing them to jump in surprise. They both turn their eyes to where Fury was breathing heavily, his head down, clearly trying to control his own temper. He takes a moment before looking at the two of them. "Sit both your asses down now!" The two Avengers do as he says, knowing that if they pissed him off even more there'd be more than just yelling coming their way. Fury starts to pace before he looks to them. "From what I see, we have several problems here. One is-" His phone suddenly pings, and he pulls it out quickly to glance at it before cursing under his breath. "Now we got even more problems," he mutters, putting his phone back in his pocket. "Just got word from H.Q. Apparently, the original Power Broker is officially dead." Silence rings throughout the room. Bucky knew it. He just knew it.

"Again, now we got even more problems," Fury continues, running a hand along his head before looking to them. "One, we have some mysterious woman that broke into our damn base and now is missing. Two, we have a power dynamic clearly underway in Madripoor, and another young woman there that we don't know about looking to take over. Third, we have two goddamn conflicting arguments about a girl that we don't even know about. There’re too many things here for us to even come to a proper conclusion. I'm over this fighting that we got going." "Then what do you suggest we do, sir?" Natasha asks, raising her brow. Fury sighs and then nods back at the team. "What we do best – undercover. But there ain't no way I'm sending a whole team after this girl. If the Power Broker is dead, that means she's a serious threat, regardless if she'll hurt us or not. She's got friends in high places. Only one of you are fit enough to do a proper undercover mission of this high of a status." His eyes turn directly to where Bucky was. "And that's you, Barnes." His brow raises in surprise. "Me?" "I can't think of someone better than the former Winter Soldier. It can't be Nat or Yelena with personal ties to this said mystery woman, but we don't know how much she knows about you possibly. It's the best option for us going forward. I'm not about to let any other goddamn intruder come in, so we need to find out who this woman is as soon as possible, and if she's taking over as the Power Broker." Bucky was quiet for a moment, letting his words mingle. He wasn't wrong. He most likely would be able to find her the quickest and see exactly who this woman was. "Plus, you've literally seen her before," Steve agrees lightly. "If anything, that'll only help you try and find her again." "I think he's got this," Sam states, agreeing. Bucky rolls his eyes and glances at his friends. "It's alright, guys. I'm fine." He always knew that the ones who were on his side tried their best to show their support for him, but something he just wanted to prove it himself. He turns back to Fury. "I can do that, sir." "Good, glad to hear it." Fury stands and grabs the file. "You leave as early as tomorrow. We want to make sure we handle this with care but as quickly as possible. Don't want to linger any longer. Pack your belongings – I'll inform Sharon that you're heading to Madripoor and you're undercover there." "Sounds good," Bucky responds, standing. "Meeting adjourned," Fury concludes, getting up and heading out, pulling his phone as he does so. Bucky hears Tony groan as he stands, sighing. "He's making a mistake sending you out." "Tony, we don't need this right now," Steve responds, trying to shut down the fight before it even began. "How can you even trust him to do a good job? He was literally part of HYDRA, the place that this mysterious woman is even coming from!" "So are Nat and Yelena and you trust them," Wanda points out from where she stands. "They at least had a head on their shoulders to sign the damn accords." Steve sighs and shakes his head. "I'll never be able to prove to you that Bucky is a good man, but that's your loss. It's not like I'm not surprised Nat is on your side after she did what she did." At Nat's confused expression, Steve snorts. "Don't show me that look, Nat. I know that you agreed with Tony to lock Bucky up is a psych unit even before he was pardoned. I know you don't want him here just as much as Tony doesn't. You don't need to say anything." Bucky runs a hand through his hair stressfully. Good god, this wasn't how he wanted his mission to start out.

[sailorbadger]

Book Review - 6 modern female-led Robin Hood adaptations

In the past 8 months or so I have read/watched/listened to over 30 different Robin Hood adaptations. Over the summer I found myself reading almost exclusively adaptations that were written by women and centered women in the story one way or another. (I also found out that “lesbian Robin Hood” is a whole genre on its own.) I decided to write short reviews for 6 of these books since I know I have followers that probably share my enjoyment of this particular niche. 

This post includes spoiler-free reviews for the following books

Outlaw and Scarlet by Niamh Murphy

Nottingham: The True Story of Robyn Hood by Anna Burke

Hood by Jenny Elder Moke

Marian, Princess Thief by C.K. Brooke

Heart of Sherwood by Edale Lane

The rest of the post will be under the cut since this is quite long.

Despite the fact that I read other books that could technically fit this same category, I decided to focus on these six in my review because these ones are easily accessible to most of my audience (meaning that they are in English and new enough - the oldest one being from 2018 I think - so that you should be able to find them easily). 

I tried to keep these reviews relatively short and spoiler-free. That means that describing specific plot points is impossible because in most of these, the basic premise is the typical Robin Hood origin story. I tried to focus on my general feelings about the books and the characters and their relationships. 

I won’t be doing any numerical ratings. I know that the order in which I read these impacted on how I felt about them. If I had read them in a different order, I would probably feel differently about some of them. That’s why it’s difficult for me to give any real ratings. The reviews are not in any real order either, apart from my favorite being the last one.

These reviews are also about 75% serious and 25% not serious. When my friend and I started to go through all these different Robin Hood adaptations, we made a bingo card that features tropes/themes/details found in a lot of different versions of the story. I’ll leave quick comments on the reviews on how each of these did, but I won’t go too much into detail on those.

Niamh Murphy: Outlaw & Scarlet

I grouped these two books together because they are the first two parts of a series. My understanding is that the author does plan on eventually releasing more, but since Scarlet was released this year, it might take a while. If a third book does come out, I might read it, but I’m not in a hurry to reread these two.

Outlaw tells the story of how Robyn, the daughter of a baron, ends up becoming an outlaw. If you are familiar with at least a few Robin Hood adaptations, you will know how it goes. There are no big surprises, but I suppose the purpose of this story is to introduce us to the characters and set the scene for the later books. Scarlet continues Robyn’s story and introduces a new character to the story. (I won’t go too much into details on the second book to avoid spoilers, since its plot does not follow familiar beats as much as the first one.)

Besides the books on this list, I have also read/watched/listened to several other Robin Hood adaptations as well, and when it comes to plot, Outlaw lands in the “uninteresting” section. There was nothing new or exciting there, and seeing that I have spent most of the year in a Robin Hood -bubble, I was left wanting more. Scarlet was a slight improvement seeing as Outlaw was mostly a very generic Robin Hood origin story. Together they still feel like this is just the beginning of a longer story, so I hope that if a third book comes out we get into the real action.

Outlaw is marketed as a “lesbian retelling” of the Robin Hood story, but compared to some of the other titles on this list, I was left wanting more. The romance aspect is barely there, so if you’re going to pick these up for Robyn and Marian’s relationship, prepare for slow burn. 

The characters didn’t leave a huge impression on me. I do have to say that the Sheriff’s wife was interesting and I wish we had gotten more of her. Other than her, I felt that at times many of the characters could have been from any adaptation. 

Overall, there wasn’t anything really wrong with these books, but they just didn’t entertain me as much as the others. I feel that if I had read these before all the other ones on this list, I would have enjoyed them more. Outlaw and Scarlet are a good read for someone who wants a basic Robin Hood story with a lesbian lead. I still think that marketing the first book as a “lesbian retelling” is setting unrealistic expectations for some, but I hope that in the future the series really earns that title.

I completely forgot to fill out a bingo card for these two and at this point I have forgotten many of the details so unfortunately we’ll never know the result. Most of the tropes hit were so general they probably weren’t on our card anyway.

Anna Burke: Nottingham: The True Story of Robyn Hood

Out of all of the books in this list, Anna Burke’s Nottingham is perhaps the most explicit in its queerness. Although the story obviously doesn’t use modern labels, I would say that it includes representation for (at least) lesbian, bi and trans character(s). None of this feels too out-of-place, and instead Nottingham offers a (mostly) historically accurate Robin Hood tale with a queer main cast.

The plot mostly follows your typical Robin Hood -formula: After a hunting accident, Robyn becomes an outlaw, surrounds herself with loyal friends and helps those in need. This aspect of the book doesn’t offer any new ideas or challenge the existing ideas about Robin Hood as a story. However, it focuses more on the characters, so it doesn’t really need anything new. Marian especially has to come to terms with her feelings towards Robyn and women in general. I do have to say though, that the romance between Robyn and Marian happens a little fast - they only meet a few times before falling in love. [Insert joke about lesbians moving too fast here] It didn’t bother me too much, but I do wish there had been a little more buildup. 

From this list, I read this book the most recently. It may be that I was just so burned out from reading all these Robin Hood -stories but I didn’t connect with the book that well. I enjoyed it, but I wish there had been more of that fun sense of adventure I look for in these stories. 

I would recommend Nottingham to anyone who wants to read a story that manages to be historically accurate and use the Robin Hood mythos to its advantage while not shying away from its portrayal of queerness. Although it did not hold my attention as well as some of the other books, it is still written well and has a good story.

This book didn’t get a bingo unless you interpret “lähentely* which is uncomfortable for the audience” as the sex scene (there is sex in this book but nothing that explicit, I would say high T/low M in Ao3-ratings) being uncomfortable for the reader OR the third person in that scene being uncomfortable. About half of the bingo card was still filled.

*I couldn’t come up with a good translation for this word, it means something along the lines of making moves/coming onto someone/making advances, though for this bingo I use it to generally mean anything flirty/intimate/sexual/etc.

 Jenny Elder Moke: Hood

This book was the first one on this list I read. Compared to the other novels, I would say that Hood is the least like your typical Robin Hood story. The book follows Isabelle, Robin and Marian’s daughter, who has to find her father in order to save her mother. The adventure is brand new, though there are still familiar characters and the basic concept of Robin Hood is honored. This is a story about the next generation of outlaws, so if you’re looking for something that focuses on characters from the legends, you may be disappointed.

Speaking of the characters, I loved Little, Patrick and Helena. I could have just read a book where this group of young outlaws has adventures and been satisfied. Unfortunately I didn’t connect well with the main lead, Isabelle, and the love interest, Adam, felt like a very generic hot guy from a YA novel. The romance itself is practically non-existent, and honestly I could have done without it. Seriously, I had completely forgotten about that whole thing until I started writing this review. This story is more about Isabelle’s relationship with her parents, which I like. She also gets to build genuine friendships with the other characters. I just wish the book had been a little longer so that it could have spent more time developing some of these relationships.

Had I read this book when I was a teenager, I most likely would have loved it a lot more. It is YA, and at times it really shows. As far as Robin Hood stories go, I generally enjoy the “outlaws being outlaws in the forest” content the most, and unfortunately this featured surprisingly little of it. It still offered its own take on what could happen after the legends everyone knows, even if it doesn’t add much to the legends themselves.

It is important that I mention here that if Allan has a child in an adaptation, this child must be named either Allan jr. or Alana. This book fulfills this basic need for me and I am satisfied. It also checked most of the boxes on the bingo, and I almost filled the whole sheet. So somehow, despite not really following the typical Robin Hood formula, Hood managed to include all the important tropes.

If you are a teenager who enjoys Robin Hood -stories, I would definitely recommend this book. It’s not the best YA novel out there, but it’s a good standalone story. I think that for adults, this can be a good read if you are a fan of Robin Hood -stories and/or enjoy this type of YA anyway. I wasn’t sure what type of book this was when I started reading, but if you just prepare yourself for a fun adventure aimed at young teens, you can enjoy this. It’s very quick to read, I think I read it in one day.

Also, I must quote a review I saw on Storygraph (imagine this is in all caps) : “hjsxhfjsdksfjk???????????? Patrick best character no cap”

C. K. Brooke: Marian, Princess Thief

In Marian, Princess Thief, Robin Hood doesn’t exist at all. Instead the story follows Marian, who in this version is a princess, who escaped an assassination attempt and is now living in the forest as an outlaw with six other women - the genderbent versions of the Merry Men. Eventually there is a romance in this book as well, but the biggest force carrying through the book is the friendship between the women. If I had to describe the novel in just one word, I would say it’s lovable. If I had to describe it in two, I would say it’s dissappointingly heterosexual. 

Maybe the fact that I found a genre that is basically “lesbian Robin Hood” has ruined me, but how can you write a story that features seven women living in the forest as outlaws, and not one of them is queer? This is entirely a thing that bothers me personally, and the book doesn’t need queer representation to be good, but there is no reason to not include it. Headcanons can fortunately go a long way, but I’m just saying that you could easily keep everything about Scarlett’s backstory the same except make her a lesbian. (In fact, I’m 98% joking when I say that her not being a lesbian is a homophobic choice. I will elaborate on this if you ask me but I won’t go too much into it here because I would have to explain things about other adaptations as well.)

As for the straight romance, I can’t say that I was feeling it. I could see the points where I was supposed to feel something, so maybe it’s just the fact that I’m aspec myself, but I didn’t care that much about it. Still, it was refreshing to see a story where the romance doesn’t overshadow the friendships between the women, and instead they are valued just as much (if not more) as the romantic relationship. The story doesn’t dig too deeply into the characters, but I still loved all the women. (I don’t care about the male lead. But I know others who would.)

I think the biggest “problem” this book has (apart from not making Scarlett a lesbian) is that the ending feels just a little bit rushed compared to the rest of the novel. I still think that the novel achieves everything it tries to do, but I could have used one more chapter to flesh out the climax.

The bingo card wasn’t even close to being full, but you know what, Marian, Princess Thief is good enough as it is and doesn’t need to follow all the familiar tropes. Still, how hard is it to include a bird?

This was a very quick read, in fact I basically just read it all in one go. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to read something lighthearted and, like me, is often disappointed by the lack of women in Robin Hood stories.

To end this, I will leave you with a translated quote from my WhatsApp commentary: “What is it that in all these Robin Hood stories these old dudes are all after these young maidens like get yourself a hot milf and leave the kids alone”

Edale Lane: Heart of Sherwood

Heart of Sherwood is my favorite Robin Hood -novel that I have read so far. It has just about everything I could want: good characters, a fun sense of adventure, political scheming, great relationships (both romantic and platonic) and a good ending. I was less than two chapters into this book when I knew that this would be a difficult one to top.

The premise of this book is very similar to Burke’s Nottingham: both follow the story of Robyn becoming an outlaw, making friends with the other Merry (Wo)Men and developing a relationship with Marian. I don’t want to compare these two stories too much, but I did prefer the more lighthearted tone of Heart of Sherwood. This was also the first book where I was actually invested in the romance. Normally in pretty much all Robin Hood adaptations, the relationship between Robin and Marian doesn’t interest me greatly; I don’t mind it, but it’s not something I have too many personal feelings about. However, only a few chapters into Heart of Sherwood I thought: “If these two don’t get a happy ending I’m going to jump out of the window.” (I won’t spoil where this threat ended up going.)

One thing I appreciate about the romance in this one is that Robyn and Marian already know each other, so I didn’t have to deal with a romance that develops too fast. The novel also had other things to offer besides being a “lesbian Robin Hood” story, so I didn’t feel like I had to enjoy the romance to enjoy the whole story. I was very invested the whole way through, and out of all the books I’ve reviewed here, this one made me the most emotional. 

As a fan of the BBC show, I do have to say that this novel had a very similar vibe; there was a good balance of action and humor. Maybe that was a part of why I enjoyed this so much. I was also able to predict exactly how certain things would end up. I kind of wish I would have been more surprised. 

This novel is well paced, it is exactly the right length for the story it’s telling and overall I can’t really find things to complain about. If I wasn’t petty, I would give this book full five stars, but because I am petty, for very personal reasons I’m giving it 4,99999… stars. As for the bingo, this one filled most of the sheet.

I’ll end this review with this random line I had shared on WhatsApp for some reason: ""Does this mean I am dead?" Alan asked in jest. - - - "Nay; same annoying jester, alive as ever, and likely wanting for a pint about now."”

Conclusion

Writing these reviews was surprisingly difficult because most of the stories follow the same formula, so commenting on anything that moves away from said formula could be considered a spoiler. Hopefully if you read this far you were still interested enough in at least one of these books and feel inspired to read them. I would happily recommend any of them, and if you want to know my more detailed thoughts on them, feel free to message me. The same applies to all the adaptations I’ve gone through. I have Thoughts that I’m dying to share. 

[amadeus-draws]

have you ever just looked at Zane’s design and his overall characterization beyond being the goofy drunk irishman? the things he DOESN’T say are almost as interesting as the zany things (ahem) that come out of our favorite operative’s mouth:

his jacket's probably something of his own design, and has what looks to be armor plating lining it (especially around the neck and upper chest; gotta protect your vital areas!) and mesh lining for ventilation around his arms--just a cool detail

the little digistructor (at least I think it is?) mounted on his shoulder for the drone is also armored and heavily padded, because this guy takes good care of his little bud 

wouldn't be surprised if that bodysuit he wears under his shirt is something he kept from his black-op days or stole when he was an active operative

said bodysuit also looks reinforced behind the neck and on the shoulders 

between the armor in his jacket collar and the armor on the bodysuit, his neck is stupidly well-protected from things like attacks and explosions from behind, because he needs to be prepared for anything at any time

the bodysuit design actually reminds me a lot of the various sneaking suits in the Metal Gear series, where some provide physical augmentation (ie, synthetic muscle tissue), exert pressure to control bleeding from injuries, etc on top of just acting as armor

let's not forget those dope trigger-finger gloves, with the textured tips on the fingers for extra grip, the thinner perforated material over most of the palm for ease of flexing the hand (which also looks well-worn and even has cracking in the texture if you look closely), and the padding on the lower part of the palm because having a very secure grip on a gun is nice 

so I'm REALLY reaching a bit here, but you ever wonder about that gun holster on his hip? I mean everyone and their mother has a holster for their shit, but Zane has that nifty high-tech looking one that rivals that of Jack and Lorelei... AND they're all connected to high-tech companies (Hyperion and Atlas respectively). kind of makes you wonder where and how he acquired his gear in general; did he steal these things? keep them from his jobs? get designs for them and/or make them himself otherwise? maybe buy them with the decent amount of money he probably has?

have you SEEN this guy's reflexes, perception, and PHYSICAL STRENGTH? he's obviously not young anymore and past his physical prime--WHEW geEEeeEz and all--but he friggin manhandles a bandit and throws him clean out a window in the opening cinematic, effortlessly tosses a guy into a dumpster in his character trailer, manages to get a guy that’s twice his size and bulk off the edge of the cliff in the same trailer, doesn't even turn around to acknowledge the big mofos coming behind him in the Let's Make Some Mayhem and We Are Mayhem trailers before swapping places with his clone, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... 

in the E3 We Are Mayhem trailer, he manages to deploy his drone, quickly swap between two guns, deploy/trade places with his clone, AND kill 5 mechs ALL in the span of FIVE SECONDS (with an extra backstab on the last guy to boot), with extremely precise and controlled movements; i personally think this is probably one of the best demonstrations of the fact that this is a guy who had black-ops/military training on top of having just killed countless people over the last few decades

and sure, maybe that earpiece might enhance his hearing or some crap and you can probably hear those big guys coming from a mile away but STILL!

I’m not gonna touch the Happy Together trailer because that is clearly an acid trip, but if he actually IS shooting guys without even looking at them WHILE DANCING........ I mean jesus christ, no wonder he’s so deadly

"flamboyant spy man" SHOULD be one of his middle names, given his dramatic hands-behind-his-back pose in the opening movie, his chin-on-hand main menu pose, and that James Bond-y pose he has in the character selection menu

now I'm not saying bandits are thirsty for Zane, but I find it hilarious that they're constantly babbling about how THE GEEZER is good-looking (pretty boy!) to the point of even asking what the hell he uses to look so good (the answer is NOTHING of course, he just looks that good), and most of the lower-tier bandits are probably in their 20s and up or something lmao

as far as family resemblances go, Zane and Baron share pretty similar hairlines (AND SIDEBURNS MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL), facial structure (them cheekbones), the squinty-eye deal, and that default stern, perma-grump facial expression (or “sour disposition” as Zane’s in-game description calls it)

AND BONUS SHIT: he has the wildest little ECHO animation of the VHs when you use the Quick Change station, with him swapping to a full length cloak and his wanderer head (the rice hat with a full gas mask) while everyone else gets slightly less dramatic clothing swaps. because even the friggin little pixel animations for him have to be fun! 

Bit of a digression, but I always found it funny how his enemies poke fun at him for being old--I personally imagine him to be probably in his 40s at the youngest--when he isn’t super old by most measures (ffs, full head of hair, not a hint of a receding hairline, and still has color in his hair... friggin Wainwright looks comparatively ancient), BUT! 

we know he’s 1) a guy who’s probably been in active combat most of his life and we know life tends not to be long for people like him, and 2) actively being hunted down with at least 36 bounties on his head based off his on-down dialogue

the probability of him managing to live long isn’t all that great, and it’s kind of interesting to think about why bandits call him an old guy: he IS an old guy by virtue of life being short in the galaxy, especially for someone still in the fight

I mean most of the older people we see in the BL universe are usually either civilians or people who’ve been out of combat for a while, like Mr. Blake, Dr. Zed, Crazy Earl, etc

Zane’s pretty much a unicorn in the BL universe, and i for one think his longevity is a testament to his skills and ability to survive (with help from Lady Luck of course); even he’s not sure how he’s managed to live as long as he has in another of his cripple quotes

just so you get an idea of how long this guy has stayed alive, he’s outlived older brothers Baron and Captain by 12 (5 years between BL1 /BL2 plus 7 years between BL2/BL3) and and 7 years (from BL2/BL3) respectively

ANYWAYS YEAH, Zane is just a really interesting character both upfront and when you read between the lines, I dunno how you guys feel hahah

in other news, i’m actually going back in for my second playthrough to collect all them tasty Zane deets i missed the first time around and making my way through the DLC... stay tuned for more Zane ramblings!

[thiswasinevitableid]

This Bites (Indruck)

The prompt for the 24th was: Midnight Ball. This one is NSFW, and a vampire AU, so there are mentions of blood (but nothing graphic).

Technically the ball begins at nine in the evening. Midnight is the highpoint, the turnover from October 30th to the most revered day of the year. 

Indrid and the other residents of Sylvain Manor have spent the day preparing, decorating the halls and ballroom while removing inconvenient items such as mirrors (he’s grown used to not seeing himself in them, but he wishes to offer his guests the courtesy of not giving themselves away).

By nine thirty, the band is playing lively waltzes as couples spin across the floor and friends laugh in small clusters, sipping wine and tasting the various delights Barclay prepared. The cook is nowhere to be seen, but Indrid knows he’s snuck off to his quarters with a certain human, the werewolf unwilling to wait until midnight for his kiss. 

His friend's starry-eyed love is the only reason he will ever permit a monster hunter anywhere on his grounds. Indrid is not a violent man by any means, but he will do whatever is needed to keep himself and the others in his care safe. 

A downside to this approach is that he is warier of some of the townsfolk than he otherwise would be, and they in turn see little of him and think him aloof. Which is why he’s lurking in the corner at his own party. 

An absurd, charming laugh catches his ear, and when he locates the source he’s certain his long-stopped heart restarts.

The man is dressed in a deep brown suit, cut to accentuate muscular arms and pleasingly strong looking thighs. He must be one of the local farmers, or perhaps a tradesman, as his shoulders and slightly weathered face point to work outside and his bearing lacks the self-satisfaction of a member of the aristocracy. He’s talking with Dani and her human girlfriend, Aubrey, smiling a little crooked when Aubrey tells a joke. Then another dance begins, and the two women excuse themselves to the main floor. 

Indrid waits to see if someone else will approach him, not wanting to interfere if the man is here with a partner or a friend. But the man simply sips his wine and steps back into the corner out of the way of the widening crowd of dancers. Indrid inches along the banquet table, terrified of being presumptuous. Then the man adjusts his tie, no doubt from the heat of the large fire in the fireplace, showing a delicious stripe of neck. 

A quick check of the future indicates his approach will be well-received, and he’s at the man’s side in four quick strides. 

“May I have this waltz?”

“Uh” The stranger looks behind himself, then back at Indrid, “sure. Can’t promise I’ll be much good.”

“I am not known for my grace either, so we will make a fine pair. Shall I lead?”

“Only if you promise not to crash me into anyone.”

“I will do my best.”  Indrid places a gloved hand on his hip, enjoys the warmth seeping through when their fingers link.

After two bars of the song, he says over the music, “since an introduction seems only proper, my name is Indrid. What is yours?”

“Duck.”

He grins; hearing that name was just as charming in the moment as it was in his head. 

“It’s a nickname.” Duck steadies him with the  hand on his shoulder as Indrid nearly collides them with another couple, “there, uh, there a reason you asked me to dance?”

Indrid cocks his head, “I wanted to. Cliche though it may be, I spotted you from the across the room and wished to know you better.”

“Oh” red blooms across his cheeks and he looks down, which causes them both to elbow an unfortunate passerby, “fuck, sorry. I, uh, well, just didn’t come here tonight thinkin anyone would be that interested in dancin’.”

“Not even the person who invited you?”

“Aubrey’s awful busy, wouldn’t you say?” He nods towards the two women trading kisses as they dance. 

“Ah, of course. Well, I am certainly glad she brought you.” He hopes his smile comes across dazzling rather than predatory, a fine line he trips over more often than he’d like.

Duck meets his eyes, studies him a beat, then grins right back “Seems to me there’s plenty of arm-candy here already.”

“Yes, but I suspect you are far more than a handsome face.”

That laugh again, making Indrid melt like the candles, “Jesus, you get right to it don’t you?”

“Oh, ah, apologies, I did not mean to be too blunt.”

“I don’t mind, darlin. Like I said, just wasn’t expecting itoof, sorry.” Duck sends a chagrined glance at the man whose foot he just stepped on. 

“Would you like to continue talking somewhere less, ah, perilous for us and everyone else?”

“Lead the way.”

Indrid chooses the gardens as their destination, annoyed when more and more clouds cover the moon, obscuring his view of the plants and--more importantly--of Duck.

“Damn, this is impressive stuff out here. Some of this is real tricky to grow.”

“Really? I must admit my own knowledge of gardening is limited to appreciating its results.”

Duck trails his hand up the trunk of what Indrid is mostly-sure is an Oak tree, “Takes all kinds of things to make a healthy garden. Healthy forest too. Too much light, too little water, the wrong place to try and take root, those kinds of things can make it hard for a plant to grow, same as a human.”

“I take it you have an affinity for helping one of those two categories grow.”

“Try to help both when I can. Love takin care of the forest, but Kepler’s my home; I wanna keep it safe, wanna see it grow rather than crumble away.” He moves to another tree, admiring it, and Indrid follows him through the grove, listening as he talks about the plants, about the town, about his work as an arborist. Duck makes him laugh, draws him into an involved conversation about the merits of different orchards and the manners of cats compared to ravens. 

“You been in Kepler long?” They’re shoulder to shoulder now, strolling through the last, stubborn roses of the year. 

“For a time. I wandered around quite a bit before arriving here. I had a run of, ah, of bad luck. Or maybe it was inevitable that I found my way here.”

“Eh, fate and shit ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.” Bitterness edges around his words, “and some folks give it more credit than it deserves.”

Indrid, futures and timelines churning in his mind, finds this statement perplexing and inspiring in equal measure.

“Fate being what it may, I think we ought to return inside”  He points to the mounting clouds, “I’m certain we are about to be rained on.”

Duck sniffs the air, “Smells like it. Wouldn’t mind all that much except this is the only suit I own.”

“Can’t have such a lovely thing getting ruined.” Indrid purrs, taking Duck’s offered arm. 

They make it to the top of the front stairs just as rain patters on the cobblestones, and two younger vampires vacate their seats by the fire the moment they notice Indrid eyeing them. Someone brings them drinks as they talk, Indrid too focused on Duck to notice who it was or what they gave him until he sips and discovers wine, which he does not like. Well, if nothing else, holding it will give him some way to occupy his hand and keep it from creeping up Duck’s thigh. 

With the exception of occasional glances at the clock or around the room, Duck’s attention is on him the entire time. As the hands of time move closer to midnight, the conversation turns to Indrid’s hobbies and his fondness for art. 

“I draw as well, for pleasure and, ah professional reasons.”

“You got any specialties?”

“A few. Would you like to see them?”

“Hell yeah.” 

It’s a short trip up the stairs, Duck keeping their arms linked until they reach the door of his study, having to separate so Indrid can unlock it. As they enter, Duck spots the commission he’s been working on.

“You do portraits?”

“Indeed.” Indrid looks over his shoulder, “are you offering to model for me, Duck?”

“Depends on the kind of modelin.” Duck grins before turning to shut the door.

Picking up his sketchbook, there’s a click of a lock. Goodness, here he thought he’d need to use the rain as an excuse for why Duck would surely need to stay the night in his bed. 

He’s debating the two sketchbooks, prouder of the plant ones but needing to be sure there are no disaster sketches in the mix, when Duck grips his upper arms, spinning them face to face.

“Indrid, look, we ain’t got much time. We gotta get out of here.”

“I...I do not understand.”

“Look, I don’t know who invited you, but this party ain’t what it seems. And, uh, I ain’t exactly either. This is a fuckin vampire ball.”

“And you are a…?” He’s certain Duck is not vampiric, but why would he tell him if he was human-

Oh no. 

“I’m here on a mission, it’s a long story, but I’m a vampire hunter.”

Oh no

Indrid looks at the future, something he ought to have done much sooner, and steps out of striking range. 

“I’m supposed to take down the vamp who runs this place, but I ain’t been able to spot him, which means he might know I’m here. I’m gonna make a break for town, and I want you to come with me. Indrid I, I can’t stand the idea of you bein where Baron Cold can get you.”

“I” he sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose, “I appreciate your concern Duck. But I promise you I’m in no danger from the baron. After all, I have no intention of harming myself.”

-----------------------------------------

See, this is why he kept telling Minerva he wasn’t cut out for this. Because not only has he been romancing a vampire all night without knowing, he’s been flirting with the guy he’s supposed to kill.

Indrid must have worn a glamour  to disguise himself the last time he was seen in town. Duck’s been working from the wrong description this entire time.

“You gotta be fuckin kiddin me.”

“I wish I was.” Indrid’s lips twitch into a frown, “just as I wish you were joking about coming into my home to hurt me.”

“It’s gotta be done.” Duck says more to himself than to the vampire.

“No, it really doesn’t. For goodness sake, two minutes ago you didn’t want me to get hurt!”

“Yeah, because you probably put me under a fuckin thrall or some shit!”

“I did no such thing. Believe me, if you were under my thrall, you would know.” Indrid says flatly, only to hiss when Duck removes a stake from his trick pocket. 

“It, it don’t matter. Because I ain’t under now.”

“Duck, you don’t want to do this.”

He doesn’t dare answer, in case the truth comes out. But before he can move, Indrid slides his glasses down his nose, revealing red eyes. 

“You will not move.”

His muscles lock up, his feet turn to lead, and he gets bitter confirmation that how he felt about Indrid all night came from nowhere but himself. 

“As I said, my thrall is very obvious.” Indrid plucks the stake from his hand, tossing it into the fire. Pats down his sides, roots through his pockets and the tops of his boots, muttering all the while.

“Foolish...distracted...should have known....rude human.” He punctuates the last words by hurling Duck’s sword (disguised as his belt) out the window. 

“Hey, I ain’t the one bitin folks.”

Indrid whirls, snarling, “I have not nonconsensually taken anyone’s blood in years.”

“And you were gonna do what once you got me up here?” Duck manages to cross his arms. 

“Show you my drawings! I thought you wanted to see them.” The vampire has the audacity to look hurt.

“I did.” The truth darts out before he can stop it, and so he covers with more annoyance, “But I don’t buy that was really all?”

“Fine, if you must know, I was going to suggest that you spend the night on account of the weather, and perhaps you would like to do so in my bed.”

Yeah, okay, he was definitely  going to bite him. 

“Just” Indrid hugs himself, “just go. I will let the thrall down, and not alert anyone to your presence.”

His body comes under his control once again.

A half-second before Duck moves, Indrid says, “Don’t you dare.”

Duck’s already committed to his attack, figuring he can at least subdue Indrid and get him into town. He doesn’t get the chance. Indrid grabs him and spins him with significant strength, slamming him into the bookcase. He can’t get his right arm free as it’s twisted behind his back,  and the left is pinned, splayed out beneath Indrid’s gloved fingers. Apparently all the Chosen strength in the world can’t help him against a pissed-off vampire. 

“That.” Indrid growls in his ear, “was not polite.”

“Would you knock it off with all that manners bullshit and just get it over with?” He mumbles into the hardcovers.

“Get what over with?”

“The thing you brought me up here for.” He turns his head, glaring at the vampire who, for his part, looks confused. Then he grins, bringing his mouth dangerously close to Ducks neck. 

Cold, but very lively, lips connect with his, Indrid humming when Duck tips his head to deepen the kiss. 

The vampire pulls back to nuzzle his cheek, “That was what I hoped for from you. But since you seem rather, ah, fixated on the biting..”

“AH!”

A chuckle vibrates up his neck as Indrid latches onto it, and Duck clenches his teeth, terrified that if he speaks, he’ll ask for more. 

When Indrid releases the skin, the hunter stares at the bruise. 

“There, there ain't any holes.”

“I told you” Indrid lazily kisses his face, “I only do that with permission.” He gazes at Duck over the rims of his glasses, “is that something you wish to give me?” The hands lift from his wrists, the weight from his back, “or do you wish to depart?”

“I want” he rests his forehead against the books, “I want to, uh, to, know what it’s like. If you, uh, if you want toFUCK, ohgodohfuckAHhnnnn.” His whole body tenses when the fangs sink into the base of his neck, and for a moment he’s worried he’ll pass out in Indrid’s arms. 

Then the steel in his spine melts, pleasure rushing in to replace it, dripping into every vein. His fingers flex and curl helplessly, Indrids hands too busy forcing Ducks chin up and clinging to his waist to hold them. 

He’s never been this turned on in his goddamn life, and wishes he’d learned this about himself any other time but now, with anyone other than a vampire who has three hunters guilds, one assassin network, and two governors hungry for his head. 

Memories bubble up beneath that wish; Indrid in the hours prior, laughing and smiling when Duck told stories or bad jokes. How at ease he felt walking in the gardens with him, as if there was nowhere else he was meant to be. The look on his face when Duck agreed to dance 

He moans, squirming in Indrid’s hold, knowing he’s lost and unable to care that he has. 

The vampire isn’t faring much better, groaning into the bite, the hand on Ducks shirt gripping tighter and tighter. When Duck gasps at a burst of pain the groans and growls turn to a purr, the teeth retracting from his skin and replaced by soft licks and gentle kisses. 

“Is, is it always like that.”

“No. It is neutral to pleasant in most cases.”

“So what the, the fuck was that?”

“At a wild guess, you are discovering some new and interesting things about yourself.” Indrid grins like a fox that’s just been given free reign of a henhouse, “would you like to learn more? Or would you like to go?”

“More, fuck, Indrid please I, I’m-” he’s not certain what he’s trying to say, only that he wants Indrid to understand how badly he wants this. 

Indrid kneels, sets a hand on the small of his back, “Stay.”

The vampire makes quick work of his suspenders and pants, yanking them down to his ankles. Black gloves land near his left toe just as cold fingers caress the back of his thighs. 

“Mmmmmm, has anyone told you these” he squeezes, rubbing his thumb into the inner part of his thighs, “are downright sinful?”

“N-not for awhile.”

“A shame.” Indrid nips the left side of his ass, snickering when he swears. His right hand slips between Duck’s legs, rubbing his dick once before teasing up and down his folds.

“My, my, that is flattering. A handsome hunter, wet just for me.”

“Indrid, I swear, if you don’t stop teasin I'm gonna get my cross from wherever you tossed it.”

“I don’t think you are” Indrid rubs more roughly, neither touching his dick or sliding inside, “I think you are going to stay right here and let me sample this” he slaps Duck’s ass lightly, “for as long as I like.”

Duck giggles, “sample? It ain’t a whiskeyEEh, fuck, oh fuck me.” He thunks his head into his forearm as Indrid scatters bite marks across the sensitive skin. He’s not taking blood with them, seems content to watch the purple and red bruises as they bloom. 

Three fingers push up into him and he yelps, surprised.

“You did ask me to fuck you.” Indrid’s tone is level even as the slick sound of his fingers fucking him fill up the room. 

“It, it was, AHHnnn, a figure of, of speech, you, you fuckin-”

“Choose your words carefully, my sweet.”

“--unfairly good lookin, menace of a vampire.”

He’s spun fast enough to get dizzy, still trapped against the shelves by Indrid’s hands on his hips.

“I’ll show you a menace.” Is all he says before closing his lips around Duck’s dick, fingers still curving and thrusting inside him.

“You, y-you, fuck, and I got real different definitions of menaceOhhhhhh yeah, fuck yes, Indrid, that’s so good,” He cuts off into whimper when Indrid’s head dips down to bite his inner thigh. Threading his fingers into silvery hair gets him another bite and a moan of approval, Indrid continuing to rove his mouth between his dick and his thighs, sounding all the while like he’s enjoying a gourmet meal. 

“Sh-shit, Indrid, I’m close, keep doin that, pleaseplease” just as the orgasm starts building, Indrid pulls away, sitting on his heels with his hands in his lap.

“Is somethin wrong?”

The vampire stands, hands caressing Duck’s hips, cock hard beneath his dress pants,“There are rules, sweet one. Humans who break into my home to kill me do not get to cum.”

Duck whines, only to have Indrid shush him like he’s a fussing dog before kissing him.

“I, however, do get to cum” He undoes his fly, “using whatever method I see fit.”

There’s a tremendous ripping noise as he grabs Duck’s left thigh, pulling it up to hook precariously around his hip, as Duck’s still-booted foot tears out the cuff of his pants. 

“And you, dearest hunter, are the method I prefer.”

With that, he shoves his cock into him, dropping his head to kiss his neck as a Duck moans without caring who hears him. 

“Goodness, it’s been so long since I had my way with a human, I, I forgot how warm it is.”

“Warm you up whenever you want darlin. Fuck, fuck” He tries to hold his own weight but it’s getting harder, as all he wants to do is go limp and let Indrid take whatever he wants. His head is swimming with the slap of connecting skin and the protests of the bookcase, with Indrid’s moans as the vampire noses his neck. 

“Ah, this will do nicely.”

That same moment of complete tension, his body reacting to the teeth piercing his skin. He tightens around Indrid, weakly bucks his hips in search of release as the vampire switches to furious, sharp thrusts, releasing Duck’s neck with a messy gasp. 

“Nmmm, I hate to stop, but I hate even more for you to grow weak and faint. After all, I need you awake until I am finished.” He presses Ducks thigh up, the angle borderline painful, as his hips stutter. Duck’s nails dig into the wooden shelf as Indrid’s words sink deeper and deeper into his core. He moans at the thought of letting the vampire fuck and feed from him until he passes out, of being helpless in a bed somewhere, his world starting and ending with-

“Indrid” he whimpers as the vampire cums, slamming all the way in and grinding with high gasps as he finishes in him. 

Slowly, his foot finds the ground and Indrid holds him closer, both of them panting. Duck wraps his arms around his waist, rubbing his cheek against the soft fabric of his jacket. 

“You really ain’t lettin me cum?”

“I believe my rules were quite clear.”

He sighs happily, the denial somehow just as pleasant to his mind as the completion would be. Indrid smiles as he presses a kiss to his temple, laughs softly when Duck gives one to his shoulder in response. He feels so safe here, Indrid draped around him, that reality’s return is akin to a knife in the gut.

“What happens now?”

“Well” Indrid pets Ducks hair, “as of this moment, there are two futures; you depart, are scolded by your fellow hunters and assassins, and return next week with the same goal that brought you here tonight. Or, you prove just as stubborn as you were earlier tonight, and come back to me tomorrow evening, heedless of your mission.”

“Seems to me there’s one of those you'd like me to do.”

Indrid steps back, still holding him but able to more easily meet his eyes, “There is one I would prefer, yes. But ultimately it is not up to me to tell you which path to take. Your destiny is yours to decide, even if you decide something that does not work in my favor.”

This is too heavy a conversation to get into with his pants down. Not when he’s not sure what the right thing for his town, his friends, himself is. Not when Indrid is still so close, smile blood-tinted but so tender Duck wants to tuck it away and keep it safe.

He knows what he wants, just not what he should do.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll think about it.”

Indrid nods,guides him in for one final kiss, soft and sweet as a sunrise, “That is all I ask.”

-----------------------------------------

He watches Duck from the bedroom window, his figure growing fainter the further he gets down the road.

Then the human turns, pausing long enough for Indrid to realize he sees him. Not knowing what else to do, he waves.

Even from this distance, his night vision lets him catch the flash of that smile. The hunter blows him a kiss, which he pretends to catch.

And the futures of Duck coming back to him tomorrow night jump another twenty percent.

[howlingmoonrise]

Thoughts on Petshop of Horrors: Wandering Ark volume 3

(crossposted from dreamwidth)

me realizing a whole-ass 25 pages of the last volume of the papa series are just sensei's travel logs:

what did i do to deserve this, honestly? sensei i love you and all but THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO COVER ABOUT PAPA. AND YOU DIDN'T TOUCH THEM. AT ALL.

To start with, there's only two actual chapters in the volume, keeping in line with the previous volumes. A whooping total of 103 pages out of a 128 page manga - except, a good portion of one of them is pretty much just rehashing the events of the last volume of the original manga, so it's not exactly like they're overflowing with juicy new content. Vesca and Victor fans will be pleased at a new glimpse of them both though, with emphasis on Vesca. 

Oh, you wanted an explanation for the ark? For why Papa was going around supposedly through "space and time", with a reason other than "well, I wanted to draw stuff from other eras but I don't want to write a whole new manga with a D from back then"? There's none. N-O-N-E. Zilch. Zip. Nada. Niente. Nothing about his relationship with Sofu (though they do briefly meet on Victor's funeral - and wow, am I surprised Sofu deigned to show considering how much he loves humankind), nothing about D or Papa's relationship with him beyond an outsider's point of view on the events of the last manga, nothing about the D species in general or glimpses at previous Ds that were likely alive before our D came into being.

Another bad point: what the hell was up with the cover art? 

The top portion of it is fine, but why does the rest of it look like whoever painted it forgot how to shade things? Look at that belt. Look at those sleeves. That's all I have to say on this subject.

On to the chapters themselves!

--

First chapter:

Papa D helps with The Bachelor. No, really. It's literally a Bachelor-style show, recorded for TV, with one single man and twenty ladies competing to become his wife. Trigger warning for almost-rape in this chapter.

I'll be honest, I liked the main character for this chapter. She's a go-getter, and a survivalist, and prefers stuffing her face with food instead of flirting away the night. Honestly? Mood. I really liked the butler too. I was going on a "oh, is he going to be the actual love interest?" line of thought since he looked interesting, and then went "nah, they're not focusing on him at all beyond that one (1) scene where they were dancing, guess he's just a side character after all", only for him to actually turn out to be the final love interest. That was. Hm. To say that it was majorly underdeveloped is to put it lightly, but the "prince" wasn't great either. The attempted rape felt as if it was shoved in because they were running out of pages though, since the rest of what we saw from his personality seemed a lot mellower than that.  

The ?prostitutes? were an unexpected bright spot, even though they only showed up for a couple of panels, but it was nice that they gave her food (however dismissively) and tried to get the other guy to leave her alone, and that they were simply described as "beautiful" instead of anything else.

OH BUT. Papa hitting the would-be rapist over the head with an oar was great, it actually gave a bit more dimension to him since the Ds are usually so unwilling to dirty their own hands when it comes to violent business: at most they would usually let their pets do the work for them.

Which actually brings me to another question.

I've already said before that Papa is at most a side character on his own series, and that he actually barely gets involved at all apart from a few nudges here and there - but it's kind of jarring that he almost never "sells" a pet in this series. On all volumes including this one, there are only two chapters where he gives away a pet that was already with him and that didn't initially belong to someone else that he was just returning: the dogs from the Austria chapter, and the bird from Empress one (who was actually said to be given by Sofu, but I'm calling bullshit since he had long hair and this is supposedly a time-travelling ark). It's definitely a weird choice for a manga whose title is, quite literally, "Petshop of Horrors".

Also, for a FLYING ark there sure seem to be a lot of water-related incidents.

Thoughts on the family thing down on the general thoughts section. Also, WHY IS IT AN OAR AGAIN? WHERE DID THE BUTLER FIND AN OAR, SINCE IT SEEMED LIKE IT WASN'T PAPA LENDING IT TO HIM? I can't say the penguin thing was a huge twist considering previous chapters, but it makes me wonder that so many of Papa's stories are directly about either humans or animals, but rarely the conjunction of both apart from brief exceptions. 

--

Second chapter: Nice callback to the original PSoH on the first page: I'm extremely fond of that description of the Ds, and it's fitting for a final chapter of a PSoH series. 

This chapter is a cameo for Victor (from the Sofu series which I haven't read yet but know some things about), and a full appearance for Vesca. Victor seems to have chosen the same path as Leon, though arguably he'd actually have the money for it since he's a baron. Travelling the world following rumours and sightings, in search of someone they considered to be dear to them? Sign all three of these blonds up, because it seems to be a tradition at this point. The Ds really have a type, huh? Truth be told, from what I heard of Victor I didn't think he'd be the adventure-seeking sort, so this was a bit of a surprise. He looks cute and happy piloting planes and running from rhinos so I guess that's all that matters though.

BUT WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE POOR. He looks like a huge cinnamon roll so I feel super bad for him, I bet they all resented the money he spent trying to chase Sofu D across the globe once the Great Depression hit :/  

And then, bam! Sofu cameo. This is the chapter where EVERYONE gets a cameo, copy-paste of the last chapter of OG PSoH or otherwise. He's cryptic as usual, and I REALLY didn't expect him to remember Victor's name, much less show up to his funeral. Not that he even looks like he's grieving; he pretty much only speaks of Hitler and Eva Braun's kirin, to Papa's seemingly frowning disapproval (I haven't complained about the round art style on this volume's commentary yet so consider this to be it: the only reason why Papa even looks put out is because he has a Very Clear Frowny Line, because otherwise he just looks normal... and round). 

And then finally, some actual Papa content! Or, er, Vesca content. Both. Let's go with both. I don't want to make myself sad thinking about how little we saw of Papa on his own series. Here we see once again mentions of extinction and of resurrecting species, and finally a throwback to why the ark is an ark: "Noah's Ark". It took me RNS' translations of OG PSoH to understand the reference back on the original, because on Tokyopop's mangled translation the ark is merely a flying boat. 

It's nice to see that Vesca has a strong sense of justice similar to my dear boy Leon Orcot, since it was a bit iffy on the original manga. He's righteous (and right!) about the other Professor using Papa's research, and how Papa should have the benefits of it for himself since he was the one doing the studies. Papa, however, cares little about money or glory: even now his focus is on recovering the blind bird species from their trip to Greece (see: Shin PSoH), and here we see once again his hopeful view that one day he may be able to help them see again. Parallel to his own family much? Honestly, I feel for him.

WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE SHOOTING PAPA? At this point he's trying to reach for Leon's record - and failing, because Leon gets shot and mauled a frankly unholy amount of times during the original PSoH, so no one else can ever really compare. What really breaks my heart here is that he actually asks why. Sofu and D would both have simply taken it for granted, but Papa (seemingly, up until this point) doesn't automatically assume the worst of every human being he comes across. That pained why kills me a little bit, here, and soon after he grows cold and allows the more murderous side of that contract to go loose.

That page with Vesca going into the FBI really throws me back to the panels on the original PSoH right before/right when Leon decides to chase after D. Part of the background is blank, the other part a faint image of the city and Chinatown, with a sense of detachment associated with them. I could probably take the time to place them side by side and compare fully, but uh. I may or may not be stretching my workday bedtime a little too much to finish writing this, oops.

Also, an echo to the original PSoH with Papa's death, called back with him nearly being shot in the middle of the forehead. The actual event is brought in shortly after Vesca gets to mind-rant about the Ds and his search for a few pages, and then flashback flashforward time! A whole six pages which are just portions of OG PSoH's last chapter redrawn from another angle. It's implied that Vesca was able to board the ark like Leon did due to a similar scene with lying in the clouds and sighting the ship amidst them, though whether he was able to stay or not is a whole new story. This is where the actual story ends.

--

Sensei's travel logs: I'm not going to bother going into these. It was nice to see some glimpses of my son (forever a Leon stan here!) and a cameo for Taizuu also showed up a little later on if you're one of the people who liked him (personally, I would trade Taizuu in for a cornchip and a ball of lint). I'm going to make the executive choice of pretending that the D/Leon bits are what's actually happening right now after Leon caught up to D. It's lovely to see them on vacations, and Leon has mellowed out a little bit while D seems extremely comfortable and content with his favourite ex-detective's presence =v=

--

General thoughts: All the series so far seem to have some sort of theme, which kind of ties into the main character of it and their own arc. The original PSoH, for one, was focused a lot on family and greed and love and desire: our D, similarly, had plenty of unresolved issues surrounding his bloodline and things that he wanted but that he couldn't/was not allowed to have because of that very blood.

You'll have to forgive me if my interpretation of Shin is spotty since I only read around half of it (online scans only went up to volume 6 or so, physical versions of the Tokyopop translations were discontinued, and ruthlessnightsscans started scanlating it after I’d already read the available chapters for Shin), but from what I remember of it it seemed to bring in softer, more loving and lighthearted stories, usually tied around romance and being kept apart from things they want/love. The two non-Leon chapters that immediately spring to mind are the Romeo and Juliet Mafia AU, and the one where the lady got pregnant from her dead husband and was able to live on due to that renewed hope. D himself seems to have turned a new page: he hangs around humans on his leisure time (bless those drag queens), takes a vested interest in happy endings for others even if not for himself, and seems overall less inclined towards gruesome murder.

(You'll have to forgive me, but I actually haven't read the Sofu series at all yet so I can't analyse that one. I wasn't even aware RNS had scanlated it until recently, but then again I hold a lot of rage against that slimy bastard (Sofu, not RNS, RNS are baby) and so I'm putting it off indefinitely. Oops?)

And then there's this one. It's probably no coincidence that so many of the stories are about reproduction and birth and continuing a dying species: this is something that chases Papa all the way from his college days not even considering his childhood, which we don't actually don't know about but can make an educated guess at down to his issues with his son and the faint madness of his last years. Even his death plays into this theme, with it ultimately working as an way to keep the D line alive. It makes me think that Papa being kept from his position as a main character in his own series might actually be somewhat purposeful, though the decaying quality of the latest PSoH mangas makes me think this is not the case. I'll have to read the Sofu series to make a better judgement on this, depending on whether or not Sofu is or is not treated similarly. 

Another theme: being haunted by the dead. I think this is actually present on almost every chapter of the Wandering Ark series, though we may disagree on the levels on which it was shown and how easily it is or is not divorced by my previous point. A reader that reads this series on its own will likely find Papa a very bland character and will not grasp onto the nuances of these themes and how they are connected to him, IMO. These conclusions and these hypothesis are drawn by virtue of the first manga alone; it's because of it that we're aware of how Papa himself lives for the species who are long gone, his own kind included. Most of the characters on Wandering Ark push through the suffering and the sorrow of their dead to go beyond their limits and become greater and independent, which is another parallel to Papa since he's the only one of the Ds who has an objective beyond simple (and inefficient) vengeance.

Overall, there's little else I can say that I haven't said already, either here or on my previous post for the first two volumes of the Wandering Ark series. There's a real sense of isolation and detachment on Papa's side (though he seems more benevolent than the other two Ds were), but as I said I'm not sure if it's meant to be purposeful or not, though Sensei's choice to not give him an actual companion thorough his series is also telling. The pacing was also better than in the first chapters of this series, though there was that issue with the ending of the first chapter of this volume. I also still can't say this enough, but it's really strange that Papa is such a side character on his own series??

Final thoughts: we were robbed.

At least Sensei hinted that her journey with the Ds might not be over yet, though if we get another Sofu manga I can and I will riot.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Roman Sionis

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Birds of Prey is a fun, silly movie. So you’d expect a fun, silly villain for such a film, right? Well, we sort of get that… but this is an R-rated fun, silly movie, so the villain is going to cuss a lot and peel people’s faces off and be a raging psychopathic manchild. Roman Sionis, everybody!

Good old Roman Sionis, known to comic fans as Black Mask (he isn’t ever called that by anyone except Harley during his introduction, and he doesn’t even wear his mask until the end), is just an absolute raging lunatic. He gets mad at the drop of a hat, is creepily posessive of Dinah Lance, has a very close relationship with his murderous second-in-command Zsasz, and is just generally unpleasant to every single person who crosses his path.

But that’s par for the course for Roman Sionis, who is never really EVER portrayed as a charming, likable guy. The real question here is, is he an entertaining villain? Well he’s played by Ewan McGregor, what do YOU think?

Motivation/Goals: Roman is a relatively simple villain, but I think this works in his favor. You see, a big issue with Harley’s previous outing, Suicide Squad, is that the mission was way too high stakes despite the cast featuring a group of people who didn’t really have any powers beyond “fighting really good.” or “has weapon skills.” You’re telling me you’re gonna put Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang up against Enchantress and her army of ancient Aztec super-zombies? WHAT? Here, we have a street-level threat much more suited to Harley’s capabilities: Roman is just a very powerful gangster, and his goal in this movie is the simple “get this diamond that was stolen back to me so I can make fat stacks of cash.” That’s really all their needs to be here, a simple MacGuffin to drive along the plot to its various setpieces.

Performance: I love Ewan McGregor, so, really, he didn’t have to do much with the role of Roman Sionis to make him great. Still, this man went above and beyond despite having comparatively little screentime to Harley. Roman seems incapable of going a single sentence without cursing up a storm and is the epitome of a psychopathic manchild, tormenting people for the slightest of reasons. He forces a woman to strip and dance on one of his tables because she was laughing too loud when he was upset, and decides not to spare a girl’s life because she had a gross snot bubble on her face from sobbing while he had his crony Zsasz peel off her parents’ faces. As funny and hammy as he gets, the dude is a stone-cold ruthless bastard who has no line he won’t cross to get what he wants.

Final Fate: Cass hides a grenade on him and steals the ring, and then Harley kicks him off the pier while he panics. Before he even hits the water, BOOM! Never would I have expected to laugh out loud at the sight of Ewan McGregor being blown into bits, but this movie was just full of surprises.

Best Scene: I think that the honor has to go to his establishing character moment with Zsasz, as they cut off the faces of a family who crossed Roman, and then when Roman decides to spare the daughter, he notices snot on her face, says “Ew” like a petulant child, and has Zsasz cut her face off anyway. It’s a great way to establish that Roman is an awful human being no matter how you slice it, and firmly establishes that while, yes, he is a misogynist villain in a female-led blockbuster, his misogyny is just a tiny facet of how unabashedly terrible Roman is.

Final Thoughts & Score: So, this is gonna sound weird, but… Roman kinda reminded me of Justin Hammer. Hammer is a villain who I have greatly warmed to over time (mostly thanks to Nando V Movies on YouTube), to the point where I think he’s actually pretty funny but is held back from true greatness by the sloppy nature of Iron Man 2. The film was big, bloated, and didn’t know what to do with itself. And this film is KIND OF like that… but it knows what to do with Roman.

The movie has an undercurrent of female empowerment, so why not make the villain emblematic of things women have to overcome? Roman is creepy, misogynistic, and even a bit racist especially with his condescending actions towards Dinah. And he even throws a fit when she “betrays” him and decides to murder her. But the movie is smart so as to not make this hamfisted; the movie makes it entirely clear that even if you take away his misogynistic elements, Roman Sionis is just an utterly disgusting human being. Everything about him is just so hilariously vulgar and repulsive, but the way he’s performed helps lighten it and help keep him within the tone of the movie. He’s just dark enough and just hammy enough to work.

My big issues with Roman are mostly due to his utilization and the wasted potential, which is a problem that really hits a lot of stuff in Birds of Prey. He is great every time he’s onscreen, but his screentime is fairly limited, and then he dies at the end which robs him of any chance of coming back in the future as an antagonist. He actually functions great as a more grounded threat rather than some larger-than-life end of the world threat, but the fact he dies horribly – before even having his mask burned onto his face, even! - just kind of feels like a waste of a character. To be fair, Black Mask is not the best or most interesting Batman villain crime lord; we have the Penguin for that. But when you cast  someone like Ewan McGregor and he’s clearly having a blast, it’s hard not to feel at least slightly bitter when he gets hilariously gibbed at the end.

Still, I can’t let Justin Hammer’s sacrifice go in vain; he walked so Roman could run, and Roman ran so that perhaps someday Hammer could sprint. Roman gets a nice, fat 8/10, which he definitely earns with the heaping helpings of ham he brings to the table, though he is held back at least a little by the wasted potential of his character.

But hey, if you want to talk about wasted potential…

Psycho Analysis: Victor Zsasz

I really like Victor Zsasz in this film. I really do. The angle they went with, the implied homosexuality, the actor… it’s all good stuff that helps make a disturbing character like Zsasz easier to swallow. But he gets hit with wasted potential harder than even Roman does.

Motivation/Goals: He’s Roman’s right-hand man, so basically his motivation is to do whatever Roman wants him to do. However, there is a bit of an implied thing between his boss and him; Zsasz seems undeniably irritated with the attention he lavishes on Dinah, and is very hands-on and affectionate with his boss. A lot of his later actions in the film and his cruelty towards Dinah does seem to stem from some place of anger towards her for taking Roman’s attention away from him.

Performance: I have to say, Chris Messina does a stellar job at portraying Zsasz as creepy and obsessive, and certainly showcases the fanatical loyalty he has towards Roman, making him something of a dark mirror to Harley’s former relationship with the Joker. I also appreciate that, despite not going with Zsasz’s original psychotic serial killer angle, they still made him a bloodthirsty psycho with a sort of nihilistic edge to him. Frankly, this might be the best possible take on a live-action Zsasz without things getting intensely uncomfortable.

Final Fate: This is probably the worst element of Zsasz: his death. Right before the climax he gets shot out of the blue by Huntress and then Harley just repeatedly stabs him with the arrow. And I have to make it clear here – Zsasz barely got to do anything. He never really poses any sort of physical threats to the heroines, never gets into a fight, and is never mentioned again after his death despite being very close to Roman (to the point where the two may have been lovers).

Final Thoughts & Score: As far as henchmen go, Zsasz is pretty solid conceptually. He’s established early on as a psychopathic enforcer of Roman’s gang, he has an eerie air to him, and he has a lot of elements from the comics you rarely see on Zsasz in other media, such as being blonde. Messina does a fantastic job at making the character seem like a competent killer in the employ of Roman.

But the key word is “seem,” because Zsasz frankly never lives up to his hype. Despite being introduced peeling the faces off of a family, he is just never utilized to his fullest extent. He’s kind of just there in a lot of scenes, and while he isn’t unmemorable or anything he never really does anything that makes him into a worthwhile addition to the franchise. He’s honestly just a glorified mook with a few interesting gimmicks to help set him apart.

I’ve gotta give him a 6/10. While he’s definitely a step above average, he’s really not anything amazing, mostly because the movie refuses to allow him to reach his full potential. He doesn’t have any great quotes, his most memorable scene really serves more to establish Roman than anything, and he is dumped and quickly forgotten right before the climax. He would easily be a 7 or 8 if the story treated him with a little more weight or respect, but he just ends up underwhelming despite having so much going for him, and it’s frankly a bit depressing. It’s just a very sad state of affairs for the character, especially when he managed to be more intimidating in the Arkham games despite the fact that he posed even less of a physical threat than he does here.

Well, while we’re here, let’s go over THAT Zsasz briefly.

Portrayed in the games by Danny Jacobs (who you may know as Sacha Baron Cohen's stand in on The Penguins of Madagascar. Yes, Zsasz and King Julien had the same voice actor.), Zsasz is never really a major antagonist and is, in all honesty, a pretty weak fighter; you can always take him down in one punch. The thing with Zsasz in the games, though, is that it’s always tricky to get to him, because he usually has hostages of some kind. In Arkham Asylum, he appears twice, and you need to use stealth to take him out before he kills his hostages. In City, he gets a much longer sidequest where he requires you to pick up ringing telephones and then glide to another one across the city within a time limit. Once you’ve listened to all of his messages, Batman finds out where his lair is, sneaks through it, and whoops his ass.

I certainly can’t say he’s the best villain in either game he appears in, but he’s definitely scary. His messages and game over screens are really freaky and unnerving, and the Riddler even requires you to find some of Zsasz’s work as parts of riddles… and by “work” I am of course referring to corpses posed in life-like positions. There’s also the horrifying little tidbit that in City, Zsasz actually does kill one of his hostages and there’s nothing that can be done about it; if you switch to detective mode in his lair, you can see a corpse at the bottom of the water in the room.

I think how creepy and intense he is really helps make him stand out among the more colorful characters in those games like Joker, Clayface, and Riddler, so I think giving him a nice 8/10 for his appearances is well-earned. I feel like Birds of Prey could have learned a few lessons from this portrayal; if they wanted to make him more creepy than physically intimidating, that could have worked well and it would have made his anti-climactic defeat a bit more plausible. Instead, they kind of tried this middle ground where he’s creepy enough and intimidating enough physically that it just feels like a letdown when he’s offed.

Oh yeah, did you know he appeared in Batman Begins? He had a brief cameo and didn’t do anything significant and looked like this:

Pretty sure he’d get a low score if he wasn’t just a quick little reference.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior 7/23/21 - SNAKE EYES, OLD, VAL, JOE BELL, SETTLERS, JOLT, MANDIBLES, and More!

So I definitely underestimated Space Jam: A New Legacy last week and way overestimated Escape Room: Tournament of Champions, maybe because I liked the latter way more than the former and probably underestimated the nostalgia factor for Space Jam… oh, yeah, and the fact that it was also on HBO Max, which didn’t really matter since it grossed more than $30 million anyway. Meanwhile, Escape Room, a rare theatrical-only movie, failed to bring people into theaters to see it as it ended up making about half what I expected. Oh, well. It happens. Live and learn.

Hey, guess what? We don’t have any sequels this week! Okay, to be fair, we do have a spin-off/prequel sort of thing, so I guess that counts.

The latter is SNAKE EYES: G.I. JOE ORIGINS (Paramount Pictures/MGM/Skydance), the latest attempt by Hasbro Films to reboot its G.I. Joe franchise with Henry Golding from Crazy Rich Asians playing the popular anti-hero from the oh-so-popular Hasbro toys, comics and cartoons. As you can surmise from the subtitle, Snake Eyes, directed by Robert Schwentke (Red, R.I.P.D.), is an origin story for the most enigmatic member of the Joe team. Much of the rest of the cast are Asian actors or martial arts specialists like Iko Uwais from The Raid and its sequel. The movie does introduce Samara Weaving from Ready or Not as Scarlet, another popular G.I. Joe character, as well as her counterpart, the Baronness, so it’s definitely a G.I. Joe movie still.

It’s been quite some time since the previous Joe movie, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, which was released in March 2013 where it opened with $40.5 million, which is less than the previous movie, 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, which opened with $54.7 million. The two movies made $150.2 million and $122.5 million respectively, although “Retaliation” did slightly better overseas to gross $375.7 million to Rise of Cobra’s $302 million. Those aren’t huge numbers compared to Hasbro’s other big toy-related franchise, the “Transformers” movies by Michael Bay, which were doing almost $300 million in the U.S. alone. Retaliation may have been hurt by being delayed a number of times putting more time between the original movie and sequel, but it introduced a few great new ideas and characters played by Dwayne “Franchise Viagra” Johnson and Bruce “You Have My Direct Deposit Info, Right?” Willis.

There is an odd connection between “Retaliation” and Snake Eyes, because the former was directed by Jon Chu, who directed Golding in Crazy Rich Asians, the movie that broke him out. Chu had talked forever about doing another G.I. Joe movie but it seems like he’s moved on and has a lot on his plate now, so who knows if we’ll ever get another direct sequel? It’s hard to say if and how Snake Eyes might integrate with previous or future Joe movies.

Either way, the G.I. Joe franchise obviously has a number of dedicated fans who might want to see more of where Snake Eyes came from, and the trailers make it look like it’s in a similar vein as John Wick Chapter 3. Unfortunately, I won’t be seeing this until Tuesday night and reviews won’t hit until Thursday, so I’m going to have to gauge interest in this without knowing whether critics liked this any more than the previous movies. (Okay, reviews went live at 3 this morning, but I was already asleep, having already finished writing this column, as always.)

I can see Snake Eyes pushing for an opening somewhere in the mid-$20 millions, and maybe it will over-perform like last week’s Space Jam: A New Legacy or Mortal Kombat and bring in closer to $30 million, since one presumes that the Joe fanbase hasn’t gone anywhere and would go with this over Old.

Mini-Review: While I’m not really much of a G.I. Joe fan, I am a fan of martial arts, swordplay, and Japanese culture like Yakuza and samurai and such. Not really knowing that much about the title character of Snake Eyes, I was kind of interested in knowing more about him, especially the fact that they cast a real actor to play him for this movie in Henry Golding. (Sorry, not sorry, Ray Park.)

We meet him as a boy with no name, having gotten his nickname from the man who killed his father when he was a boy, urging his dad to roll dice in order to live. He rolls (what else?) snake eyes. Decades later, the boy is a man working for the Yakuza and a particularly nasty guy named Kenta (Takehiro Hira) who nearly kills Snake Eyes before he’s paired with Tommy (Andrew Koji), the prodigal son of the Arashikage clan who also happen to be Kenta’s sworn enemies. Having saved Tommy’s life, Snake Eyes is urged to stay at the family castle and train to join the clan as an assassin. His training involves a series of tests conducted by Blind Master (Peter Mensah) and Hard Master (Iko Uwais), but we soon learn that Snake Eyes is still loyal to Kenta and used his friendship with Tommy as a ruse to infiltrate the castle and steal their greatest weapon. Oh, yeah there’s also giant snakes, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Having seen Robert Schwentke’s The Captain, I know the director can make great movies, and Snake Eyes is probably one of his better American films, at least that I’ve seen. The reason this movie work at all is the casting for most of the may Asian roles are fantastic. I particularly enjoyed seeing Haruke Abe as Akiko, one of the truly kick-ass women in the movie, but the same can be said for Eri Ishida, who plays Tommy’s grandmother and the head of Tommy’s clan, and she too has some great action moments. The point is that Snake Eyes doesn’t suffer from the decision to cast talented Asian actors in the same way that Mortal Kombat did.

The movie’s biggest issues arrive when they try to fit G.I. Joe and Cobra into the mix (about an hour into the movie), because it definitely feels shoehorned into what is becoming a decent movie about honor and loyalty. I have never heard of Spanish actress Ursula Corbero, but she’s absolutely garbage as Baronness, vamping and trying to make the role more comicky apparently. By comparison, I’m generally a fan of Samara Weaving, but she isn’t much better as Scarlett. Since these are both popular G.I. Joe characters, I can’t imagine the fans will be too happy.

A lot of what happens at the end is telegraphed from a mile away, especially if you already figured out where the relationship between Snake Eyes and Tommy is going. (Maybe it isn’t a secret, but in case it isn’t obvious…)

Snake Eyes works fine as the G.I. Joe origin it’s meant to be, but I would have been perfectly fine without any G.I. Joe references at all, and if this was just a cool Asian action flick like The Villainess or some of Takashi Miike’s yakuza films.

Rating: 7/10

M. Night Shyamalan returns to theaters after a brief sojourn into TV with Apple TV+’s Servant (which is great) with his latest high-concept thriller, OLD (Universal Pictures), which involves a family who goes to visit a remote tropical beach where they learn that something on the beach is making them age extraordinarily fast. The movie stars Gael Garcia Bernal, Vicky Krieps from Paul Thomas Anderson’s Phantom Thread, Alex Wolff from Hereditary (and last week’s Pig), and Thomasin McKenzie from Jojo Rabbit. It’s a pretty great ensemble cast for sure, but how many of those actors have a proven track record to bring people into theaters? Not many, but will that matter?

Shyamalan has had an amazing career as a filmmaker in terms of box office with six movies that grossed over $100 million (and a seventh that came close), one movie (Signs) that grossed over $200 million, and then his early film, The Sixth Sense, which came close to $300 million domestically. (This is all domestic, if you didn’t figure it out.) Shyamalan’s movies have done very well overseas, often matching the amount the movies made in the States. Shyamalan’s last two movies, 2017’s Split and 2019’s Glass, took the director back to his earlier movie, 2000’s Unbreakable, starring Bruce Willis, and both those movies grossed more. (To be fair, ticket prices have increased a lot since 2000.) Glass opened with $40 million in January 2019, roughly the same as Split’s opening, and that’s a fairly standard opening for the filmmaker.

Old doesn’t have that connection to a popular past movie, nor does it really have the starpower of some of Shyamalan’s movies, so it’s definitely at a disadvantage and possibly more in line with his 2015 “comeback” thriller, The Visit, which grossed $65.2 million from an opening of $25.2 million.

Horror movies and thrillers don’t necessarily need to have big name stars but it doesn’t hurt -- look at Ethan Hawke’s forays into genre with Sinister and The Purge for Blumhouse -- and though any of the cast could appear on talk shows to promote the film, I’m not sure if any of them could be considered a draw at this point. (Maybe Alex Wolff, since he’s quite popular among young women for his horror movies and music career.)

Any way you look at it, Shyamalan has become a filmmaker whose name on a film helps drive people to see the movies in theaters, and that will be the case here, as well. You combine the Shyamalan name with an easy-to-sell concept like a beach that ages people (vs. the relaxation beaches normally provide)

My review for this one will be over at Below the Line later on Thursday, but I’m presuming that critics will be mixed on this one at best. If they go negative, which I could see happening, that might theoretically hurt the movie’s chances, although it should still be good for opening weekend.

Because of this, and because Old might lose some of its male audiences to the above Snake Eyes -- oddly, neither of these movies will be available on streaming day and date, mind you -- Shyamalan’s latest will probably end up in the mid-to-high-teens, although it might be able to make $20 million in a push.

1. Snake Eyes (Paramount/MGM/Skydance) - $24.1 million N/A

2. Old (Universal) - $17 million N/A

3. Space Jam: A New Legacy (Warner Bros.) - $15 million -51%

4. Black Widow (Marvel/Disney) - $13.5 million -48%

5. Escape Room: Tournament of Champions (Sony) - $4.5 million -49%

6. F9 (Universal) - $4.4 million -43%

7. The Boss Baby: Family Business (Universal/DreamWorks Animation) - $2.6 million -45%

8. The Forever Purge (Universal) - $2.1 million -49%

8. A Quiet Place Part II (Paramount) - $1.6 million -25%

10. Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain (Focus) - $1 million -47%

There are a few more theatrical releases, but let’s start by getting into this week’s “Chosen One”, which is…

Leo Scott and Ting Poo’s doc VAL (Amazon) refers to actor Val Kilmer, who goes through his entire career in this fascinating portrait in which we see him in the present day dealing with the debilitating throat cancer that’s nearly taken his voice. Culled from almost four decades of archival footage, most of it shot by Kilmer himself, the film puts together an amazing story of Kilmer’s life as a working actor, but also captures his family life, his tough relationship with his father and how his marriage and career deteriorated over time.

It really surprised me how much I loved this movie, because honestly, I’ve never been a particularly big Kilmer fan, other than a few favorites like Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, and probably a few others. In fact, I finally saw Top Gun for the first time a few months ago, and I wasn’t even that big a fan, as I don’t think it aged well. But what’s great about Val, the movie, is that you get to see some of Kilmer’s own footage from on set and off for movies like Top Gun and even The Island of Doctor Moreau, which he admits was a complete disaster, a shame since it was the only chance to work with his idol, Marlon Brando (who barely shows up to set).

What’s particularly eerie is hearing a younger Val narrating the film, clearly recorded from before he was hit with the debilitating throat cancer, but the filmmakers did a great job editing all of Kilmer’s footage and words into a surprisingly cohesive (and still very linear) story.

Besides seeing the footage and how it meshed with Kilmer’s narration, I also greatly appreciated the score by Garth Stevenson, as well as the song choices, which includes some familiar tunes but always in a different way than what we’re used to. I’m really curious if Val picked some of the tunes himself, but whoever the music supervisor was on this film, really did an amazing job getting songs that meshed well with Stevenson’s music.

Val is a terrific portrait of an actor who probably never got the level of respect he deserved , but it’s also a film that will make you think of your own life and mortality.

Mark Wahlberg stars in and as JOE BELL (Roadside Attractions/Vertical) in this drama directed by Reinaldo Marcus Green, who helmed the excellent and underrated Monsters and Men. Green didn’t write this one, but it was written by Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry, the Oscar-winning writers of Brokeback Mountain. With that in mind, you’d expect something more interesting, but as I watched Joe Bell, I actually wasn’t aware that it was based on a real person/story.

The long and short of it is that Wahlberg’s Joe Bell is a father who has decided to walk across the country from Oregon to New York City to talk to anyone who will listen about bullying, and why it’s bad. Yup, that’s it. That’s the movie. To be fair, we do get to see Joe spending time with his gay son Jadin (Reed Miller), and those are generally the best parts of the film, but one thing that really didn’t work for me was the structure, especially the time spent (SPOILER!) pretending that Jadin was already dead before Joe went on his cross-country walk. It’s something that’s casually revealed when Joe stops in a gay bar for a drink and mentions it to a drag queen.

Otherwise, Joe Bell is a movie that leans so heavily on the screenplay and Wahlberg’s performance, which is better than others we’ve seen from him but isn’t that great. Overall, the film is just so dour, glum and frankly, quite dull, that there’s very little that can make it more interesting, especially since the narrative and structure makes the whole thing kind of obvious.

Maybe there’s a better version of this movie but when you get to what is quite a grim ending and then you realize that it’s a true story, you kind of wish that thing called “artistic license” was used more liberally to make a better movie. All Joe Bell does is state the obvious: that bullying is bad, especially towards people different and possibly more fragile than you.

Rating: 6/10

I'm not sure how wide Roadside plans on releasing Joe Bell, but I'd expect 400 to 500 theaters, but I'm not sure that's enough to get it into the Top 10.

Wyatt Rockefeller’s feature film directorial debut, SETTLERS (IFC Midnight) takes place on Mars, and at first, it deals with a couple (played by Johnny Lee Miller and Sofia Boutella) living on a remote base there with their young daughter Remmy (Brooklynn Prince), but it’s soon attacked by a stranger who wants them to leave. The movie premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival last month and will get a release into select theaters on Friday as well as be released in various digital formats.

Settlers starts off as if it might be a home invasion movie with a sci-fi twist, but that aspect of it is fleeting, as it soon becomes a drama where the stranger Jerry (Ismael Cruz Cordova) moves in with Remmy and her mother, and then other stuff happens. Oh, yeah, there’s also an adorable robot named Steve.

Don’t get me wrong, because I genuinely liked Settlers, although I think I was expecting something more genre-y since it’s being released by IFC Midnight. Because of the setting, I was expecting something more science fiction or home invasion, and I guess comparing it to a Western would be fair due to the wilderness setting, but really, it’s a character drama about how three people need to coexist together, especially when one of them is a stranger in their midst. Seeing how Boutella’s character slowly warms up to Jerry while Remmy is still suspicious and even angry at her mother accepting the stranger.

In many ways, this is Prince’s movie, because she’s so good in this role that she almost supports the adult actors by leading. Prince is so compelling that she’s even able to keep you interested when Remmy is just wandering around, exploring various aspects of the environment around their home base. That is, at least until the last act when the film jumps forward a number of years and Nell Tiger Free (from Servant) takes over the role of Remmy (quite fluidly, in fact).

This creates a very different dynamic between Jerry and Remmy that might feel a bit pervy to some women (okay, most women). Cordova is also quite good in a role that’s tough to sell, because he isn’t the typical bad man.

Settlers is a quiet and subdued film with not a lot of action or dialogue for that matter, but it reminds me quite a bit of Moon, and it’s a similarly solid debut by Rockefeller, showing him to be a strong storyteller able to get strong performances out of his relatively small cast. (Oh, and hey, I should have an interview with Rockefeller next week over at Below the Line.)

Rating: 7/10

Kate Beckinsale stars in the action-thriller JOLT (Amazon), which hits Amazon Prime Video this Friday. It's directed by Tanya Wexler (Buffaloed), and in the movie, Beckinsale plays Lindy, a woman with a debilitating condition that gives her insane strength when she gets angry, and she gets angry a LOT. But no, this is not like the upcoming She-Hulk series, though it’s an incredible action movie for sure.

Beckingsale’s Lindy has something called “intermittent explosive disorder” which I’m not sure if that’s a real thing (probably not), but it gives her incredible strength when she gets mad, and it forces her to wear a vest that gives a huge electrical charge when she pushes a button. So yeah, the movie feels a lot like Crank if it had a woman lead instead of Jason Statham. Honestly, if that alone doesn’t sell you on Jolt, then this movie probably isn’t gonna be for you.

It actually starts out as a pseudo-rom-com as Lindy meets a nice guy, played by Jai Courtney, but after a few dates and some great sex, he’s killed, and Lindy is upset but even more furious than normal, swearing to find the man responsible for killing her kinda-boyfriend. So yeah, Jolt quickly turns into a revenge thriller, but it’s one with lots of Beckinsale kicking ass, some great car chases, and lots of funny doofuses getting their asses handed to them, both figuratively and literally.

Surprisingly, Wexler didn’t write this one -- the screenplay’s Scott Wascha -- but her reputation and previous films helped her put together a great cast around Beckinsale, including Stanley Tucci as her therapist who set her up with the shock vest, and Bobby Cannavale and Laverne Cox as the detectives investigating the death of Lindy’s beau, all three of them offering some great humorous dynamics to the mix.

That’s probably why Jolt is quite satisfying, not only in terms of being a female empowerment movie, but also not taking itself too seriously and always keeping the comedy on the darker side. For instance, there’s a scene where Lindy throws live babies at Cox to distract her, but what do you expect from a movie that enjoys giving its main character literal electroshock therapy?

So yeah, I definitely liked Jolt as an action-comedy. Maybe it was a bit too violent for my tastes, at times, but it definitely is everything I hoped to get out of Gunpowder Milkshake last week, and honestly, I had no idea Wexler had this kind of movie in her.

Rating: 7/10

Quirky French filmmaker Quentin Dupieux (Rubber) returns with MANDIBLES (Magnet), a comedy of sorts about a pair of dumbass friends -- Manu (Grégoire Ludig from Keep Your Eye Out) and David Marsais’ Jean-Gab, who steal a car for a job only to find a giant fly inside its trunk, so they decide to train it to rob banks for them.

Yup, it’s another weird one from Dupieux, and honestly, it took me a long time to really get into it, as these two doofuses get into all sorts of predicaments (and who have an amusing “secret” handshake). Where it really takes off is when they meet a group of vacationers, including the one and only Adèle Exarchopoulos as Agnes, a woman who mistakes one of the guys as a high-school lover. Things just get zanier from there as the guys try to sneak in their giant trained fly -- now named Dominique -- into the vacation home where they’re staying with a bunch of Agnes suspicious friends and her brother. (There’s also one woman who literally shouts everything due to a condition, and at first, it was more aggravating than funny, but like everything else in this, she gets funnier over time.)

In fact, after I got to the end of the movie, I ended up going back to rewatch the first half again to see if I missed anything, and surprise, surprise, the two guys and their antics had definitely grown on me by the end, making it easier to enjoy a second view. I certainly wouldn’t recommend any of Dupieux’s movies to just anyone, and that goes for Mandibles, but if you enjoyed the quirky humor of Rubber or last year’s Deerskin, then you might not hate this one, but it’s also not a movie I’d recommend you rush out to see in theaters.

Rating: 6.5/10

A few more words about a few other docs… (As usual, I didn’t get to watch nearly as much as I hoped to get to this week.)

I did get to watch Garret Price’s WOODSTOCK '99: PEACE, LOVE AND RAGE (HBO), which will hit the cable network on Friday. Honestly, I barely remember it, and I’m not even sure I watched it PPV or at all, because there weren’t really that many acts at this year’s festival that interested me. I mean, Limp Bizkit? Korn? Rage Against the Machine? I wasn’t really into any of those in the late ‘90s, and certainly not my sworn-enemy Jewel or Sheryl Crow or Alannis Morrissette, the festival’s token women who were slotted into separate days. Even so, Price is a pretty decent documentation of all the awfulness at that particular festival from portapotties mixing shit in with all the mud or the many cases of sexual harassment, assault and flat-out rape that took place on the campgrounds. I’m sure I heard most of it but seeing it put together like this in the film’s two-hour running time just makes it harder to watch without tearing up. A pretty solid doc that I’m not sure I could fully recommend, but hey, I’ve never been to one of these festivals and after watching this movie, I probably never will. (It is interesting how Price contrasts the disaster of Woodstock ‘99 with the hugely-successful Coachella, which started not long afterwards.)

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to Jamila Wignot’s doc AILEY (NEON) about choreographer Alvin Ailey, making this the second movie about dance or choreography in a row. It opens in New York this weekend, in L.A. theaters next Friday July 30 and then everywhere on August 6.

Then there’s ALL THE STREETS ARE SILENT (Greenwich), Jeremy Elkin’s doc that covers the crossroads between skateboard and hip-hop in downtown Manhattan during the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. For whatever reason, I wasn’t able to get around to this, although it features Rosario Dawson, Bobbito Garcia, Stretch Armstrong, Moby (him again?!), Fab 5 Freddy, and a lot of other rappers I’ve never heard of.

Also hitting HBO Max on Thursday is THROUGH OUR EYES (HBO Max/Sesame Workshop docuseries), a series of four 30-minute films designed for adults to watch with their kids age 9 and up, dealing with things like homelessness, parental incarceration, military caregiving, and climate displacement. Sounds fun.

Hitting Netflix on Wednesday is TROLLHUNTERS: RISE OF THE TITANS (Netflix), a movie based on the popular series produced by Guillermo del Toro, which I’ve also never see, so I guess I don’t have a lot to say about this.

Lastly, premiering this week is the second season of Apple TV+’s Emmy-nominated TED LASSO which is probably gonna win a bunch of those Emmys going by previous awards shows. It’s a very popular show. I’m still on Season 1, myself.

Other films I didn’t get to… (sorry, respective publicists!)

HERE AFTER (Vertical)

FEAR AND LOATHING IN ASPEN (Shout Studios!)

Next week, it’s a doozy! Disney finally releases Jungle Cruise, starring Dwayen Johnson and Emily Blunt, while there are two smaller movies looking to make some money, Thomas McCarthy’s Stillwater (Focus Features), starring Matt Damon, and David Lowery’s The Green Knight (A24), starring Dev Patel. Should be an interesting one.

[letswriteaboutsakura]

The Complete Handbook Of Novel Writing Chapter 1

The title is such because I got a new book to help with my writing and they have activities to help you write better. I’m going to try and do all those activities using various Sakura ships so look forward to that. 

Sakura could hear the raised voices from inside the captains cabin even from her position by the forward deck. Naruto’s voice was the most prominent with Sasuke’s heated insults not far behind. It seems her captains couldn’t come to an agreement about what to do next but that wasn’t anything new, the two liked to argue just to pass time. 

She was feeling restless though, especially considering the ‘prize’ they had in their hull. What they had stolen from the barons storehouse was something that had changed her, and she was certain her two captains as well. Perhaps that’s why Naruto sounded so agitated at Sasuke’s suggestions to take their ‘prize’ to shore and sell it. 

“WE ARE NOT GOING TO SELL HIM!” Sakura jumped a bit at Naruto’s raised voice, she heard the crew stop around her, their eyes and ears fixed on the captains quarters. 

“It’s not a him Naruto, it’s a monster.” Sasuke growled, “and I never said we should sell it.” 

“We should release him.” 

“No, we need him as leverage against...” 

Sakura had heard this conversation so many times since they made the initial discovery a few days ago, it seems the two would come to some sort of decision tonight. She didn’t need to hear this argument again and instead she made her way down the stairs and to the room they had set up the glass cage in. 

Green eyes took in the half human half fish being of myth sleeping in the case before her. A black tail that turned a dark red at the fins filled up most of the case, but the human half was pale skinned and the dark hair floated angelically around him. His face was young, beautiful if Sakura was being honest, but that was what the myth say wasn’t it, that mermaids were beautiful so they could drag you into the ocean and kill you and you wouldn’t mind because you were too enchanted. 

He had been awake when she first came upon him.

Green eyes widened as strange red eyes focused on her, the man or rather mermaid in the glass case in the center of the room glared at her, his lips set in a grim line. 

“We don’t have time to be standing around Sakura!” She heard Sasuke snap at her from the hallway, but getting closer. “What are you-” 

She felt his warmth against her back as he also stopped cold and stared at the caged mermaid. His presence seemed to break her out of her stupor and she took a step towards the case, but Sasuke’s cool hand wrapped around her arm.

“Careful.” He warned before letting her go.

The closer Sakura got the more details she saw of this mermaid. There were gills along his sides, bits of black and red scales dotted his flesh above his waist, he was beautiful. How had the Baron gotten this creature captured... 

Red eyes focused on her the entire time and it made her nervous, but the mermaid didn’t say anything. He looked upset, probably from being in a cage and not the ocean but there was sadness and what seemed like defeat on his face. 

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Naruto had made himself known. 

Afterwards Sasuke had the crew take the case and bring it to the ship, the mermaid seemed to just close his eyes and she hadn’t seem him move since. The crew said they tried to give him a fish for food but he refused to eat and for some reason that bothered her. He may have been a creature of myth but she still had empathy that extended past just human kind. 

Sakura was a woman of medicine, of science and logic so she often just brushed off the talk of mermaids and other sea creatures, but if mermaids were real did that mean other sea creatures and mythical creatures were real as well? The sea was big and deep, who knew what horrors it contained and that terrified her. 

She was standing only a few feet away when red eyes fluttered open and once again pinned her with his defeated, angry glare. Within moments she started to feel her arm itch and she resisted the urge to scratch, knowing it was a nervous tick. 

“The crew is saying you’re not eating.” She was known to babble when nervous and just because he was half fish didn’t exclude him from making her talk. “Maybe fish isn’t part of your diet?” There was no answer but some of the anger on his face disappeared. “Or it could be but you’re not really in a good environment so maybe you’re not eating because of that. I know it’s a thing that happens with prisoners sometimes...” She frowned, maybe comparing him to a prisoner wasn’t the best way to word it. “Not that you’re a...well I don’t know actually.” 

She used to be the third rule of law with Sasuke and Naruto but she had given up her position to Shikamaru. They will be the ones deciding the fate of this mermaid and she hoped it was favorable. 

“If you want anything to eat let me know, I can get it for you.” He just stared at her with red eyes and after a few moments of staring at each other Sakura sighed and turned around, ready to head back to deck. 

There was a knocking on the glass behind her and she quickly looked over her shoulder to see him motioning to the lid on the cage. 

“I can’t-” Before she could finish he shook his head and motioned to the space around them and shrugged his shoulders. It took Sakura a second to figure out his meaning, but she was known to be very smart. He was saying that he had no where to run and something inside of her believed him. 

She was tempted and checked the hallway, but no one was there since most of the crew was asleep or listening in on the bickering captains upstairs. Having made up her mind she closed the door to the storage room and turned to the glass cage. 

“You have to promise not to escape.” She said and he slowly nodded. It didn’t take long for her to undo the locks on the top and push it back, leaving top open. The mermaid wasted no time throwing his arms over the edge, but he made no attempt to get out of the case. His head broke the surface of the water, his dark hair like a second skin against his face, until he used one hand to push the strands over his shoulders.

“I cannot eat submerged in water.” His voice was deep, melodic. “Nor can I speak human tongue underwater.” 

“R-Right.” She gulped, “A-are you hungry?”

“Starving.” 

“I don’t have any fish at the moment, but there is other kind of dried meat here.” 

“It will do.” He responded and watched her as she pushed back the tops to some of the food storage containers. With a handful of meat in her hands she moved towards him. She hesitantly held up the food and resisted shivering when his cool hand touched her own as he took the food from her. 

She watched him scarf down the meat, sharp teeth showing themselves as he ate, and from a medical standpoint she was so interested in him. He looked so human, except for his fish parts and that was insane. 

“How...how can you be real?” The words seemed to just slip out of her and she immediately regretted it. That was such a stupid question and he seemed to know it. 

He stopped chewing to give her an amused look, “How is anything real?” He asked after he swallowed the food. “Humans do not care about the world, they care about themselves and often times that is enough of a veil over their eyes.” 

“There have been tales of mermaids.” She pointed out, “of how they drag sailors into the sea, seducing them with their beauty.” 

A sly grin spread across his lips, “Perhaps, but you didn’t seem to give them any credible thought until you saw me, am I correct?” 

He wasn’t wrong and that bothered Sakura, maybe it was stubborn pride that pushed her to respond, “Personally I did not believe in such stories, but there are many among our crew that believe the stories of beautiful half fish and monsters in the deep.” 

“I had assumed you were pirates,” He looked thoughtful, “am I being taken to auction?” 

“You don’t seem overly concerned.” She grumbled.

He shrugged, it was such a common human gesture that it made her pause. He had been around humans before, unless mermaids shrugged which she doubted. 

“I’ve been imprisoned for over a decade.” He told her, “Perhaps I have accepted my fate.” 

He sounded so defeated, so tired and it hurt her. Her throat felt dry and it became painful to swallow, and barely managed to hold back the tears but her voice was breaking, “You-” 

“SAKURA!” The door slammed open revealing a furious Sasuke and a concerned Naruto. Sasuke grabbed her and tried to pull her out of the room while Naruto ran into the room probably to close the glass case’s top. Itachi had retreated back into the water, his red eyes watching her. 

“Stop Sasuke, he’s not-” 

“Are you stupid!” He hissed at her, “Why would you open the cage, what if he tried to kill you!” 

Sakura increased her struggles but Sasuke didn’t let up even a bit and had successfully dragged her out of the room and halfway up the stairs when Naruto joined them. 

“I think you should let her go Sasuke.” Naruto said, watching his two friends struggle against each other. 

“No, she has clearly lost her mind, or is under the influence of that thing to open that case.” 

His words just made her angrier. “My mental state has always been better than yours Uchiha.” She snapped at him, uncaring at the moment of the hurt in his eyes, “I of my own free will opened that case to give him food.” 

“Why were you alone with it?” Sasuke questioned, “You don’t know what it’s capable of Sakura, you cannot put yourself in that position-” 

“Why Sasuke, why shouldn’t I do that? It’s not like I have a baby that he can kill inside me.” Sasuke lost all color and Sakura was able to break free of his hold and ran up to the deck and then her quarters.

Long after Sakura had left, Naruto placed a comforting hand on Sasuke’s shoulder, “Sasuke.” 

“Release the mermaid Naruto.” Sasuke growled, pushing off his friends hand and stomping to his own quarters. 

“Fuck.” Naruto cursed, as Sasuke disappeared from sight. This was a mess that would never be fixed. 

Requests are always open, so feel free to leave me a ask with your ideas. 

[wrestlinghasmelike-blog]

Survivor Series 2017 review!

Hello everyone! I just got home from my friends’ house after watching Survivor Series, and I’m ready to get this review going!

Please please let me know what you thought of the show, and let me know what you like or don’t like about these reviews. Also, please give these a reblog and share with your friends! Thanks so much!

Side note: this review will not include the pre-show.

New Day vs. The Shield

I’m happy that this match was the first to start. I think to go into such a big PPV like this one, you needed to get the audience hyped immediately. My first thoughts before the match started were,”Wait, why isn’t Roman wearing the mesh Shield/Raw shirt?” I think that if you’re going to be a tag team, you should all be wearing the same thing, or at least similar clothing. If you don’t match, you look stupid and out of place. The start of the match was kind of a slow one, but it was really strong. I think they built up the energy and the pace well throughout the match and mostly everyone was looking solid. I had a lot of problems with Dean Ambrose during this match, however. He really goofed some of his moves, and it looked like he wasn’t trying to hit his mark. The thing with Dean for me is that he’s too squirrely sometimes. His jitteriness works for his character, but it looks like sloppy footwork. Big E had that awesome spear through the ropes! That was such a great move! This match almost had a really bad finish with a lot of messed up spots, but the Shield took the win in the end. I knew the Shield was going to pick up the win for this one because like, why would you make the Shield look weak and have them lose? It just wouldn’t make sense at all really. A great match to start the show!

Also, what was with the scorecard? That didn’t make sense at all in the beginning. If it was something WWE had prefaced beforehand, it would’ve been better. Or, if it had implications attached to it, like maybe whoever gets the most wins gets the first pick in the draft, it would’ve been a lot better!

 Women’s Elimination Tag Team Match

Another pretty solid match, although it did have a few complications. I can’t believe Becky was the first one eliminated! No fair! And by Bayley of all people, no thanks. I thought it was a little weird that Tamina kept her jacket on for the first part of the match. I think she would do well with some new gear, instead of the half street clothes, half ring attire thing she’s been doing. Bayley was the next one eliminated, nice! Her character is too happy for me, too “in your face” about being the hometown girl who grew up a fan and is now a wrestler. She needs to go in a different direction now. After Bayley, we saw Nia and Tamina fight it out, and the crowd was really hyped for this moment? It was a random thing for the crowd to be excited about, unless I missed something? I thought it was very bogus for Nia to get eliminated by a count out. She should’ve been pinned like everyone else. Alicia and Naomi were doing good, and then it looked like the ref messed up, and then everyone got confused. It took the excitement out of the match for sure. In the end, Asuka took the win for Team Raw, thank god. 

Miz vs. Baron Corbin

I went into this match thinking how not entertaining it was probably going to be, but I was surprised that it wasn’t terrible! I was very happy to see Maryse there because I just think she’s great and that she’s a stunning woman. It was funny to see the Miz-tourage at ringside, but I liked how they didn’t get super involved in the match. They maybe had one moment where they distracted the ref, but that was it! I actually thought the Miz was going to get the easy win, but Baron surprised me by getting the first win for Smackdown! Not my favorite match, but not an awful one!

The Bar vs. The Usos

I was interested to see how this match would go for sure, but I think I’m at fault for trying to compare it to the New Day/Shield match from earlier in the night. This match felt a bit slower-paced than the rest of the matches, but I think that was fine because everything else seemed so high octane. It was honestly very hard for me to move on from Sheamus’ mohawk tonight because oh my god it looked like a rack of lamb and I couldn’t think of anything else. The match definitely heated up at the end, but we all caught Byron Saxton saying the “superkick party” line, so we’ll see what happens with that. This match had a great finish with the Usos getting the second win for Smackdown!

Charlotte vs. Alexa Bliss

I wasn’t so sold on this match when it first started. I still wanted Nattie to be the champion heading into this PPV, but in the end, I think Charlotte and Alexa created a better story with this match. It was very telling that Alexa wanted the win for this match, and she seemed really determined to get it however she could. I love Alexa Bliss and her character because she makes it work so well, and her ring work continues to improve and impress. Charlotte has a beautiful moonsault, and even though she missed, they still looked really impressive. In the end, Charlotte won. Honestly, I think this has potential for a Mania match somewhere in the future. I don’t know if it’s something I need to see again, but I’d be content with having them wrestle each other again.

AJ Styles vs. Brock Lensar

I feel bad for Jinder for not being a part of this match. I prefer AJ and Brock, but Jinder wasn’t bad as champion! From a business standpoint, AJ sells more than Jinder does. The crowd was super behind this match, but you know what? The pop for Finn and AJ at the last PPV was better, so I’m happy about that. I had a feeling that Brock was going be on offense for the beginning of the match; there was no way AJ was going to take him down so early. This match had a smooth progression, and it was amazing from start to finish. There were a couple of suplexes that Brock did where AJ did not land so well, so that wasn’t so smooth, but still soooo good. That calf-crusher that AJ put on Brock was amazing, and Brock sold it all the way through until the end of the match! Even when Brock set up AJ for the final F5 he was selling it! A pretty cool match. I’m glad Brock seemed to be into it. This was a contender for match of the night for sure!

Raw vs. Smackdown Tag Team Match

Wow, this was a busy match, huh? First of all, FINN IN THOSE RED TRUNKS HAD ME DEAD! Did y’all see how amazing he looked?! I was blown away, and I was even crying when he came out. I love Finn so much. Right off the bat, this match was so good. There were a lot of good match ups that this presented us with, like Finn and Randy or John, and Samoa Joe with Cena, and Kurt with Shinsuke! This felt like a whirlwind of a match, and everyone looked amazing. Shinsuke was the first one eliminated, then Bobby Roode was gone shortly after. I am happy to see that Bobby was included in this match because he hasn’t been doing much of anything on Smackdown, so to see him on this big card was awesome! The spot with Braun going through the announce table was good, and I’m glad Shane did not jump from the top rope because good god I am tired of seeing that. Samoa Joe was the next eliminated, and then we saw John and Kurt face off. This was a great change of pace for the match because it was really non-stop ever since the beginning, and to have these guys tone it down was really nice. FINN WITH THE COUP DE GRACE TO JOHN YES! John was the next eliminated, which brought Randy and Kurt, and then it brought Finn and Randy! They had a great few minutes, with me on the edge of my seat the entire time, but Randy hit Finn with an RKO, a nice one if I might add, and that was the end of Finn in this match. The interference by Kevin and Sami was a bit predictable, and it didn’t really add anything for me. The end of the match gave us Kurt, Triple H, and Braun vs. Shane, and it gave us that confusing Triple H heel turn that wasn’t actually a heel turn? I see now that they’re already setting up for a Wrestlemania match between Kurt and Triple H, which I think is gonna be cool, and then Braun smashed Triple H, which was good for Braun. A win for Team Raw to end the night!

Overall, I thought this PPV was exciting! It was a fully packed card with some star-studded matches! There were a couple misfires, but all in all a great show! The road to Clash of Champions begins!

Stay tuned tomorrow night for my Monday Night Raw review! 

-Casey

[chicagoindiecritics]

New from Every Movie Has a Lesson by Don Shanahan: MOVIE REVIEW: Gemini Man

(Image: polygon.com)

GEMINI MAN— 2 STARS

Ang Lee’s new actioner Gemini Man is the cinematic embodiment of the figure of speech “chasing your tail.” A reminder from The Free Dictionary, defines that idiom as “to take action that is ineffectual and does not lead to progress” and “refers to how a dog can exhaust itself by chasing its own tail.” Boy, is that ever this movie. You have a multiple Academy Award-winning filmmaker chasing a technological benchmark that the industry cannot match. And you have a lead actor exhausting himself (and us) literally, instead of just figuratively, chasing his own tail.

Graying through his temples and whiskers, Will Smith plays his authentic 51 years of age as ultra-professional government asset Henry Brogan. The old guard assassin wants peace after losing his “feel” and growing a conscience after completing his 72nd confirmed kill. Seafront solitude with a little boat awaits Henry in Buttermilk Sound, Georgia south of Savannah. After demonstrating his chops in the opening scene, Smith’s confident exasperation and desire for this slowdown fits the actor’s appeal.

LESSON #1: “TO THE NEXT WAR, WHICH IS NO WAR” — This quote is Henry Brogan’s shared signature toast with his former brothers-in-arms from the old Persian Gulf and Somalia days, which include Jack (Red Sparrow’s Douglas Hodge) and Baron (Benedict Wong of Doctor Strange. The vibe is two-fold. First, there’s a celebration of success in making the world a better place with each dispatched despot and a survivalist wish of someday putting the bullets and triggers away.

Sure enough, retirement is short-lived when Henry learns he was fed spiked intel where the mark he sniped was someone of a less criminal background than he was told. Brogan and Danny Zakarweski (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, bringing only middling sidekick value), the burned babysitter agent who helps him, become loose-ends for erasure by the order of their head government spook employer Clay Verris (Clive Owen, dialed to 50% intensity). Globetrotting from Georgia and Cartagena in the Western Hemisphere to Belgium and Budapest in the eastern one, the chase is on.

The salt-grained rub is Henry’s indomitable opponent at every stop is someone younger, stronger, and faster with recognizable facial features and training. Over 20 years ago when cloning was the rage, Verris used Henry’s DNA as a test to create an experimental line of expendable soldiers packaged with fewer human flaws and more programmed discipline. The force matching Henry’s every movie is his 23-year-old homegrown duplicate raised by Verris as his own adoptive son and following his every command.

LESSON #2: SO MUCH FOR SUN TZU — Paraphrasing, knowing your enemy better than you know yourself is quickly derailed when your enemy is you. Insert the Dramatic Chipmunk, but watch out for the groan-inducing “clones are still people too” and “they get choices too” wet blanket lessons that preach and follow. Gemini Man becomes a battle of seasoned wisdom versus the superior vigor of youth. Brains tend to always beat brawn, and you can see the end result a continent away.

Through de-aging special effects and digital doubles, Smith plays and voices his own “Junior.” This glaze, if you will, is very well done compared to other incarnations we’ve seen with this performance technology. Most of the time, mouths and expressions match with minimal, though noticeable, creepiness. It takes some getting used to, but it’s still Will Smith. Like most of his duds over the course of the last decade, the fit action star is never the movie’s problem.

Plenty of keen and sleek aesthetics are fair to compliment here. The team of stunt coordinator Brad Martin (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice) and fight choreographer Jeremy Marinas (The Fate of the Furious) executed action sequences that are kinetic and often clever. Two-time production design Oscar nominee Guy Hendrix Dyas (Inception, Passengers) and the art departments created vast arenas for these battles out of the worldly locales. Academy Award-winning cinematographer Dion Beebe (Chicago) shot them bright and tight while long-time Lee editing collaborator and fellow two-time Oscar nominee Tim Squyres (Life of Pi) stitched the work together with deft pacing.

Much ballyhoo is being made about the high frame rate shooting used to enliven all this action. Matching his 2016 effort on Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, Ang Lee shot this film in full 4K HD for large scale 3D at a 120 fps clip, exponentially higher than the standard 24 fps rate. Good luck finding a theater or setting that can do Gemini Man full justice. There’s not a single theater screen in the country that can perform all three of those specifications and only 14 than can hit the 3D and the frame rate without the 4K HD. Cue your shrug of disappointment.

We can admire Lee for aiming towards new technological heights, but this reeks of hubris over smarts. Upwards of $136 million is a great deal of money and effort to waste on what amounts to an artistic STEM experiment where the intended visual detail and sensory effect will be lost on over 99% of audiences. If home viewing is the second wave of hope for this wannabe blockbuster to make an impression, even the current 4K HD televisions will have a difficult time hitting those technical specifications.

It is unfortunately understandable that this film probably could not be marketed to the masses without revealing the younger doppelganger crux. What a shame. Such a discovery should have been built as a jarring jaw-dropper rather than a foregone conclusion. The trouble is too often production secrets like that cannot be dependably kept safe in this day and age of scoop culture. That and, if you hold your bucket of popcorn to your ear, you can probably still hear the short-sighted marketing gurus at Paramount clamoring that two Will Smiths are better than one. This is not the 1990s or early 2000s Will Smith anymore. He was lucky with Aladdin but he’s not an A-list draw.

Gemini Man could have been something far greater if it traded much of that polish for punch. Other than the inventiveness of the action, there is zero to few potential thrills to be had when you can see every spot coming. The look is all there, right down to the close-up shot selection framed to capture the steely moments ripe for emotional stamping. There’s just no storytelling strength behind those hard stares. One of the mano-y-mano moments in the movie lets loose the clunker of a line “none of this is necessary” and it feels self-incriminating.

This original premise, scripted out by Game of Thrones czar David Benioff and Goosebumps writer David Lemke with a revision from Billy Ray of Captain Phillips, feels very much like a low-end Philip K. Dick concept. A hero is in minor peril wrapped in easy clues with the lightest whiff of unexplored science fiction floating in the background. There is a market for that to a degree. Preposterousness can work around being ambiguous and ill-defined if it has an interesting edge (look no further than the best of Dick). Gemini Man, with all its finely sharpened pixels, cannot lacerate our enthusiasm.

LOGO DESIGNED BY MEENTS ILLUSTRATED (#830)

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[travelingtheusa]

TEXAS

30 Jan 2019 (Wed) – We packed up and left Abilene around 10 a.m.  We drove over 200 miles to Seminole, right on the border between Texas and New Mexico. During the drive, we went past miles of oil pumps slowly rising and falling as they pull the oil out of the earth. We went past a very large oil field, and at times, could even smell petroleum in the air.  The place we are staying has about ten cabins and ten campsites. All but one of the campsites was taken and all the cabins were rented by workers in the oil fields.  The sites and cabins are all in a line right next to the main highway.  The traffic noise was very loud all night long.  On the other side of the row of campsites were a large field plowed under and a large refinery in the distance.  There was a tower with a flame burning on top.  That always seems to me to be a big waste of fuel.  The place stunk of petroleum.

     After we got set up, we drove over the border to Hobbs, NM for dinner.  We ate at the Cattle Baron Steak & Seafood House.  The food was OK but not as good as other places we’ve been to.

     Bonnie had diarrhea today.  We fed her a can of salmon and mackerel for breakfast.  It didn’t sit well with her.  She’s been doing so well with the limited ingredient foods.  Apparently, fish is not good for her.

 29 Jan 2019 (Tue) – We disconnected the water hose last night because it was projected to drop below freezing.  I put the water pump on this morning and jumped into the shower.  Just as I began to rinse the shampoo out of my hair, the pump quit working.  I’m standing there with soap suds streaming down my face hollering for Paul.  He threw on his coat and ran out to reconnect the hose only to find the faucet still frozen. I then had to take two bottles of drinking water to finish rinsing off my hair and body.  That was quite a shower!

     We drove into Abilene today and toured Frontier Texas!.  It was a unique museum that told the history of how Texas was settled.  There was a recounting of Indian settlement, Indian on Indian wars, white settlers, Indian on white wars, buffalo hunting, and outlaw activities.  Stations throughout the museum had hologram-like pictures of different personalities who told stories of what they personally experienced.  Of all the museums we have toured during our five and a half years on the road, Frontier Texas! is among the best.

     Next we went to lunch at the Hickory Street Café. It was located in a historical house. We both had chicken salad on a croissant.  I also got a broccoli and parmesan soup but it was more like a flour paste.

     After lunch, we drove back into town to tour the Grace Museum.  The building was originally built as the Hotel Grace, named after the owner’s daughter. The hotel was sold in the early 1940s but the town began to degrade shortly thereafter as people moved away. It was renamed the Drake Hotel and operated until 1970.  Then it was abandoned for 15 years.  Like all these historical buildings, it was taken over, renovated, and opened as a museum. The first floor had some art and sculptures on display.  The second floor had a children’s area that was kind of fun to play around.  The third floor had a photo exhibit of the city’s architect and an area that showed what a 1920, 1928 and 1948 kitchen and parlor looked like.  It reminded us of the G.E. Carousel of Progress in Disney World.  They need to compare those kitchens to one from today.

     As we were walking back to the truck, we spotted the Paramount Theater down the street.  The woman at the Visitor’s Center in Frontier Texas! had mentioned it.  The theater was opened in 1930 and has been beautifully restored to its previous grandeur.  There was a large stage and all the chairs were upholstered in red velvet.  There was an upper mezzanine and a bar lounge downstairs in the basement.

 28 Jan 2019 (Mon) – We sent into the Elks Lodge at 10 a.m. to see if our mail had shown up yet.  The secretary had a chip on her shoulder a mile wide and was on some kind of power trip.  She came in and just walked past us; didn’t acknowledge us at all.  Then she disappeared for over 20 minutes.  She came back and walked into the office without saying anything to us – again.  We went to the door of the office – which was locked – and knocked.  She answered with a pissed off look on her face.  When we asked if any mail had arrived, she walked outside to look in the mail box.  This was just a show because the mail had not come yet.  The mail had been forwarded from Escapees almost two weeks ago.  They had sent two envelopes.  Only one arrived.  That one was given to us by someone else who was in the office at the time Paul asked for it.  He took it out of a box sitting in the office.  When we later asked about the box, the secretary said that was just garbage. She refused to look.

     So, with an envelope missing, we said goodbye and left Dallas at 10:45 a.m.  It was a 5-hour drive to Abilene.  I called the VFW RV Park to make a reservation but the number was busy, busy, busy.  I finally went online to search for another number.  I got another phone number and when I tried the number, I got another campground just down the road from the VFW RV Park.  It is called Phil’s Boys Estates.  The man who answered said they had some RV sites available.  Knowing the VFW Park was probably full, we made a reservation and drove to Phil’s Boys.

     They are in the process of establishing a mobile home park.  There is a large area with electrical and water lines being run.  Along the side and back fence are sites for RVs to back in. A few single width mobile homes have been placed in the front of the gated park.  We have full hookups but no laundry facilities and Wifi.

      After getting set up, we drove into town to do the laundry.  We waited in the truck while it washed, then ran out for dinner while the clothes were in the dryer.  We went to a Mexican restaurant called Abuelo’s.  It was an upper end style restaurant.  The chips came with three salsas.  The plates were huge; more like platters.  The plates were so hot that I actually got a second degree burn blister on my arm when I accidentally brushed against the plate.  The food was way more than we could eat.  We ate half and took the rest home.

 27 Jan 2019 (Sun) – We drove to Bass Pro Shop today to have lunch in Islamadora Fish Company.  It is amazing that Bass Pro Shop is basically a department store and has so much in it.  We wandered around they had were red wines.  We were annoyed with the lady’s attitude anyway so we left.  We saw some model homes on the way back to the camper and stopped to tour them.  They were 4,000 to 5,000 SF and sold for around $450,000.  They would probably cost $700,000 to $800,000 back in New York.

     We then stopped at Kroeger to pick up groceries and at PetCo to get some pet food, then returned home.

26 Jan 2019 (Sat) – We drove to the Frontiers of Flight Museum.  It was smaller than most plane museums but interesting.  A section was devoted to the story of Southwest Airlines.  It was fascinating to read about their struggle to establish a route in Texas then across the nation and finally, internationally. There were some very interesting aircraft to examine and read about.  The original Apollo 7 command module was on display as well.  

     After the museum, we had lunch at the Lake House. It turned out to be a bar and café. It was near White Rock Lake.  We couldn’t see any water inside by the bar but there was a deck outside where they probably could see the lake.

     Next, we drove to the Dallas Arboretum.  The home once belonged to a wealthy couple and sat on 44 acres.  The gardens were beautiful.  The house was open for touring.  It’s always fun to see how the rich folks live.  

25 Jan 2019 (Fri) – My time in New York went SOOOO fast!  Wow.  I didn’t get a chance to see several people I wanted to see – my brother, Dennis, my friends at the American Legion and at church.  Interestingly, my sister, Susan, and I saw each other almost every day.  

     The first night, Susan picked me up at the airport and I spent the night at her house. She bought a Tesla two months ago and still had her old car which she lent to me for the five days I was in town. That helped to save me hundreds of dollars.  The plan had been to go to the New York Botanical Gardens to see the Christmas display but a cold snap rolled in and the day was too miserable to drive into Brooklyn.  Instead, we drove to Travis & Sam’s house and visited with them.  Susan left and I stayed with them for four nights.  I saw the oncologist and had a lymph node drainage massage.  I also gave Travis & Sam and Miranda and Kenny a chance to go for the night while I was there.  

      On Thursday, I reported to the airport at 10 a.m. to fly back to Dallas.  Susan and her husband, Bill, drove to the airport to pick up their car.  We said goodbye and they left.  As I waited for my plane, the weather deteriorated steadily. A line of thunderstorms was rolling in from the south and creating wind shears.  After my flight was delayed repeatedly, causing me now miss my connection in Baltimore, I went down to the counter and got my flight rescheduled for the next day.  Then Susan drove an hour back to the airport from the Hamptons and took me back to her house for the night.  She drove me back to the airport the next day.  That was a lot of driving on her part and was very grateful for her help.

[luucarii]

Fire Emblem Echoes Ramblings

Okaysss so hopefully this won’t be as long as my Persona 5 Ramblings (I’m honestly going to start a “Rambling” series where I just give my opinions on games and anime and just other shit soo)

spoilers and bitching abroad my friends.

edit: most of my bitching is toward the story not the game itself. The gameplay is amazing, save for some few nitpicks I mention down below.

Fire Emblem Echoes. A game I’m extremely conflicted about. Now, this is coming from someone who has only played Awakening and Fates. Echoes was… okay. I don’t think I’ll go back to replay it for a while. Like a long, long while.

Echoes physically drained me after about Act 3. Maybe it was because I was a little high on Persona 5 at the time, maybe it was because I was finishing up school. I don’t know for sure.

Everything just grew so repetitive. The constant “rout the enemy” missions, the lack of memorable map layouts, the lack of memorable anything really. Nothing really stood out to me.

The story, was an extreme slow burn and the amount of exposition was incredible for how simple the overall layout was. The title screen cutscene that plays where Alm and Celica are talking about Duma and Mila perfectly explain what the whole game is going to have you accomplish. Duma’s the bad God and is going mad and with the help of Mila you (or Alm and Celica) are going to have to put him down. I get why they had to have all this fluff in the beginning with the prologue (to establish Alm and Celica’s relationship even though their relationship wasn’t exactly executed properly I feel but I’ll get into that later) but all the other shit involved like why Alm has a Brand and the Masked Man (two “plot twists” that literally anyone could have seen coming - YOU GET THE MEMORY OF CONRAD’S “DEATH” THE BATTLE BEFORE/AFTER YOU MEET HIM HOLY SHIT ITS SO OBVIOUS) was just a bore to me.

The battles were quickly forgotten as well as the named villains you fight. Besides Berkut (who is probably the best villain in the damn game even if he isn’t the main antagonist) and Jedah (who was obviously the main antagonist considering all the cutscenes he was in) I literally only remember Fernand because of his death near the end of the last dungeon. Everyone else who had names and who you were forced to fight are just footnotes because there’s nothing memorable about them. They’re just commanders for Rudolf’s army or are apart of the Duma faithful. Removing their names wouldn’t affect the plot at all.

I feel like the plot as a whole was an attempt to make a simple plot more complex and failed in process. It’s literally a Mila vs Duma fight but all this extra stuff made it drag on longer than my 33ish hours of playtime. And I’m very disappointed because after Fates and Awakening (two games that I genuinely enjoyed) I was looking forward to Echoes. From the trailers and screenshots I was interested in the whole concept of dueling gods but the execution was just subpar for me.

Now, I have one more gripe with the overall story. Alm and Celica. Specifically their relationship. In my personal opinion, Alm and Celica’s relationship seems so forced from the minute the prologue starts. I’ll admit there are a few sparing cute moments here and there but I feel they’re quickly overshadowed once you realize they had only been friends for maybe a good 3-5ish years as children before Mycen took Celica away. You honestly expect me to believe that they continued to want to see each other after 8+ years of being apart? You honestly expect Alm, Gray, Tobin, Faye, everyone to remember Celica from childhood when she was taken away from them at such a young age? I… I just can’t buy it. You can also argue that their fates were intertwined since they both have the Brand and they are the “Children of Fate” but I still can’t swallow that without any lingering thought of bullshit. I never shipped Alm and Celica because I can’t see any actual romantic development with them besides them obviously caring about each other. The fight at the beginning was just a plot device to drive them away from each other and having Celica get momentarily possessed at the end and have Alm kill her was just another cliche and having Mila save her (when to be honest, Celica was better off dead) just made me shrug and say “she’s one of the main protagonists, obviously she won’t die.”

Guys, Nintendo. If you’re going to establish a relationship in one of your games, for fuck’s sake make it at least somewhat likable. Shulk and Fiora (even though Fiora can get a bit bitchy sometimes), Reyn and Sharla both from Xenoblade Chronicles, Link and Zelda from Skyward Sword (specifically). These relationships had development. They grew. Yeah, they had a fight here and there but that wasn’t the only basis as to why they’re loved as a couple. Shulk and Fiora while yes they had their fair bit of problems (mostly the whole revenge relationship plot) you can still see them let their hair down and have fun and Fiora teases Shulk a lot throughout the game. Reyn and Sharla start as a sort of friends while Reyn has to work himself to show Sharla that he can be a man to take care of her after the stuff with Sharla’s fiancé (story shit I won’t get into because spoilers). Link and Zelda (while if only in the first few cutscenes) you can see Zelda poke fun at Link, you can see the care she has for him, HELL THEY EVEN HAVE A FAKEOUT KISS AT THE BEGINNING. During SS you see Zelda grow as she begins to realize her role and Link meanwhile is risking his life all for her, all so he can get back to her.

Alm and Celica, I feel, have none of this. Guys, having them fight at the beginning of the game just to drive a wedge in between them and have them come back together at the end doesn’t make them a good couple if the reason for the fight was overall shit and hypocritical on Celica’s part.  Just… ugh. I’m sorry to any Alm/Celica shippers but I just don’t like them together.

Maybe it’s my bias because I really really don’t like Celica as a character but either way I don’t ship Alm/Celica and there’s nothing that can convince me that they’re good together.

Now, this is already long enough so I’ll sum up the rest of things about  Echoes that disappointed me.

The Supports. Don’t get me wrong, the voice acting is absolutely amazing, one of the best I’ve seen this year. But just… the lack of them compared to Fates and Awakening is so disappointing. Now I get Echoes was based off one of the older games so it’s not completely fair to compare the supports to that of recent games but there’s literally a maximum of 3 supports per character and the supports do literally nothing to show off character. Fates and Awakening’s supports had 3 (4 if it was a marriage support) short bursts of dialogue away from the main game to establish character, likes, dislikes, compatibility with other characters the works. These supports, if anything, are lighthearted pieces of fluff to distract from the somewhat serious tone of the game.

Enemy Variety and Class Variety. Again more I can’t exactly complain about since Echoes was based off an older game and thus took aspects from said older game. But… the amount of Dread Fighters and Barons I saw in the last dungeon just made me hate the classes as a whole (despite two of my best boys Tobin and Kamui being Dread Fighters with Brave Swords who fucked EVERYONE up with crits). Fates and Awakening had such a fun cast of classes, my favorites being Nohr Noble and Assassin and dropping the number of classes just… ugh.

Also, one last quick note. The suddenly difficulty spike is one of the main reasons I considered dropping the game midway through. I played on Normal/Casual (I’m still a newbie leave me alone…) and although I died once, there was a bunch of times where I was sitting in frustration of not knowing what to do. Though as a strategy game, you’re kinda suppose to do that so…

OKAY ENOUGH BITCHING ABOUT THIS GAME, LETS GET INTO THE SHIT I LIKED…which is going to be a few short paragraphs…

The Voice Acting. Holy shit the voice acting. Not only is it featuring some of my favorites (Cherami Leigh, Max Mittelman and the like) but nearly every line is spoken beautifully. Special props to Alm’s voice actor Kyle McCarley who brought me to near tears with some of his lines. Absolutely incredible.

Bows!!! BOWS ARE ACTUALLY GETTING LOVE! I rarely used archers in Awakening but I did pick up using them in Fates (Takumi and Kiragi are incredible) and I fell in love with them here in Echoes. Finally they’re not just limited to 2 spaces and they can hit as far as 5 and just… Python and Leon were my main favorites.

Dungeons. It’s a nice break between battles and they’re interesting locals. But please, Celica, that weird squeak that you have while attacking… just… please stop.

The Design. The character design is something I can’t NOT praise. Everyone looks incredible. While the cutscenes I feel lag a little compared to Fates and Awakening you can’t deny they still look amazing for a 3Ds game.

The Soundtrack. I’m a sucker for good music (one of the reasons why I love XC, Okami, Botw and the like) and a good majority of the tracks on the ost I’m completely in love with. The credits theme especially “The Heritors of Arcadia.” Props to Bonnie Gordon (Silque’s VA) she did an amazing job.

Verdict. Overall, Echoes was okay for me. It was different compared to Fates and Awakening and I knew that going in. I knew there was no marriage system, I knew they were getting rid of the weapon triangle, I knew it was going to be similar to the older games to close divide between the fans before Awakening and after Awakening. And it was a good different in some ways but in most other ways just disappointed me. The fact that I had to force myself to marathon the last dungeon just so I could finish the damn game speaks miles. I was drained. I didn’t want to continue but I did just for the sake of saying I beat it. It didn’t feel like 30 hours of game play for me, it felt like months (which in actuality was nearly two). Like I mentioned, I doubt I’ll pick this game up again anytime soon (while Fates I replayed and beat nearly 6+ times, 2 for each path and Awakening I’ve replayed maybe 3 times I can’t remember). It could’ve been so much more, I feel, if they didn’t try to shove Alm/Celica down my throat and if we could have had some more character development. But eh, that’s just me.

ALSO IM REALLY HAPPY MAE AND BOEY ENDED UP TOGETHER.

[nanenna]

The Emperor's New Clothes and Baron and the Cat King. I am probably going to be shot for this xDDD

As you wish! XD

Summary: A vain king, a kingdom where magic is common place, a pair of swindlers… a horrible recipe for the king but a great boon for a pair of clever swindlers.Rating: GWords: 2.5k

Onceupon a time there was a king who thought very highly of himself. Herested easy in the belief that he was beloved of his whole kingdom,he had no doubt his every idea and whim were brilliance, and he knewfor a fact that he was a handsome, desirable Cat that every maiden inthe kingdom was swooning over. He would spend hours in front of themirror before court every day, having his fur brushed and brushed andbrushed, then trying on this bit of jewelry or that lacy collar untilhe found just the right accessories for that day. One day, while onlytwo hours into his morning grooming, his most trusted adviser cameinto the room and coughed politely into a paw.

“Yourmajesty, there are some visitors who wish to speak with you.”

“Oh?Who are they?”

“I’mnot sure, they insist they’re very important and you’ll want tospeak with them.”

“Ifthey were that important you’d know who they are. These visitorscan wait along with the rest of the court.”

“Asyou wish,” Natori said with a bow before leaving the room.

Sometime later the king was finally ready to be seen by the world andmarched proudly out of his room, two Cats following behind to hold upthe heavy train of the royal cape he had decided to wear that day. Hesat on his royal throne to hear the complaints and requests broughtbefore him. There were not very many that day (in truth there werenever very many for the Cat Kingdom was a peaceful place, perhaps whyhe had the free time to spend admiring himself) so the two visitorswere second on the list and soon stood before him.

Theking looked over the visitors and wondered why they thought they wereso important. The bird was certainly interesting, there were fewbrave or foolish enough to come to a kingdom of Cats and it waseasily half again larger than any crow he’d ever seen before in hislife; but the fat, grumpy, white Cat standing next to the crow lookedlike any commoner in his kingdom, common enough that he alreadyseemed familiar.

“Yourmajesty,” cooed the Crow as he held his wings out for an elegantbow.

“Yo,”said the Cat with a raised paw.

“Whoare you and what do you want?” the king asked in a bored tonebefore sipping from the drink next to him.

“Myname is Toto and my companion here is Muta, we are a pair of weaverswho have come here to off you our services.”

“Whyshould I want your services when I have the best weavers and tailorsin the kingdom already working for me?”

“You’veheard of the tale called The Crane Returns a Favor, haven’tyou? And swan maidens with their fabulous cloaks? Well if you haven’tnoticed Toto’s a Crow and those are easily twice as clever as acrane or a swan, just imagine what he can make.”

Totostepped in front of Muta, putting his wings up to block him fromsaying anything else. “What he means is that I can weave magiccloth that is both beautiful beyond compare and is invisible to thosewho are unfit for their profession.”

“Orstupid,” Muta added as he pushed Toto away from him. “Stupidpeople can’t see it either.”

“Andlight as a feather,” Toto continued with a glare thrown Muta’sway.  “When you have clothes made of my magic cloth on it feelslike you’re wearing nothing at all.”

Theking mused on this, the way some clothes pulled and pinched at hisbeautiful fur was truly an annoyance, clothes that were lighter thanair sounded like something worth trying. “Very well. Natori, givethem a chamber to work from, I want to see what this magic cloth canreally do.”

“Yesyour majesty,” Natori said from the side lines. “Natoru, takethem to the third guest chamber.”

“Certainly!Right this way, gentlemen,” another adviser chirped with a broadgrin.

“Howdo you think my new suit is coming along?” the king asked later onas another golf ball was set up.

“Ishould think it wouldn’t look like much at this point,” Natorireplied. “These things do take time.”

“Butthey have to have something done by now, I want to know about theirprogress.”

“Ican check for you, your majesty,” Natoru offered happily.

“Thanks,babe.”

Natorutook the king’s words as a dismissal and scampered off to go findthe two visitors. Even before getting to the curtain that separatedtheir work room from the rest of the palace, Natoru heard the massiveargument brewing inside. Inside the room Toto was fluttering overMuta’s head while Muta had his paws up, ready to box the Crow as heswooped in for another swipe.

“Comedown here and say that to my face, worm breath!”

“Iwould but your face is lost on all that fat!”

“Ohmy, my, my!” Natoru exclaimed in dismay.

Somehowthe duo heard Natoru’s words over their fight and both immediatelystopped. “We were just taking a break,” Toto blurted out as helanded on the floor.

“Arguing’sgood for taking breaks,” Muta added.

“Getsyour heart pumping and your mind churning.”

“Shakesup the liver.”

“It’sgood for the digestion.”

“Isit really?” Natoru asked. “I had no idea. Well, the king wantedme to see how his new suit is coming along.”

“Oh,splendidly!” Toto exclaimed with a clap of his wings. He led Natoruover to one of the looms set up in the room and motioned to the emptyspace, “See how far I’ve come on his shirt? I had thought atfirst that a sun burst was only fitting for a king, but since he’sthe Cat King I decided a moon made of actual moonbeams would bebetter. See how the stars about her glitter?”

“AndI’m already half way through his cape,” Muta declared proudlyfrom the other loom, which was equally empty. “Since his shirt hasthe moon on it we went with something more uh… what’s that wordagain?”

“Abstract,”Toto supplied.

“Yeah,”Muta continued, “that. So I went for some curly cues to mirrorToto’s moon motif.” Muta had wrapped one arm around Natoru’sshoulders as he pointed at different spots on the empty loom with hisgreat, fat paw.

Natorunodded as the Cat and Crow continued to talk, everything certainlysounded beautiful beyond compare.

“Whatdo you think?” Toto asked after they seemed to have exhaustedthemselves.

“Ohit’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. His majesty will be sopleased!” With a wide grin, Natoru turned and scampered out theroom to go find the king and tell him about the beautiful clothes.

“Ihaven’t heard about my new outfit in a while,” the king said afew days later once court was done for the day.

“Theyonly took all your measurements yesterday,” Natori said as helooked something over on his clipboard. “I’m sure it’ll be donesoon.”

“Gocheck on them, I want to hear more about this amazing suit.”

“Asyou command,” Natori bowed to the king before going off to find thetwo visitors.

Hewalked into their work room to find Muta busily pinning nothing to adress maker’s mannequin while Toto was steadily passing a shuttleback and forth over an empty loom. Natori stopped and blinked once,then twice. Surely these two wouldn’t still be here if they weren’ttelling the truth, and Natoru had said the cloth was beautiful beyondcompare just as promised. Not to mention one couldn’t pass ashuttle through empty air without it falling to the ground. Natoriadjusted his glasses and leaned closer to the mannequin, the pinsweren’t stuck in the mannequin itself like a pin cushion either,but seemed to be floating just above it.

“Beautiful,isn’t it?” Muta asked with a broad grin plastered across hisface. “This is gonna be the overcoat, aren’t those buttonssparkly? Bird brains like Toto always love-”

“Iheard that!” Toto called from the loom.

“… Alwayslove sparkly things,” Muta continued loudly. “How he makes themis a family secret, even I don’t know.”

“Andyou never will with that attitude,” Toto called cheerfully. “Sendhim over here, I want him to see what the king’s hose will looklike.”

“Hose?”Natori asked in a mixture of horror and intrigue. “You don’texpect his majesty to actually wear hose, do you?”

“Whynot? It’s a part of the whole,” Toto said. “Where I come from aking isn’t properly dressed without at least five layers, I thinkwe’re showing remarkable restraint.”

“Overdressedpeacocks if you ask me,” Muta muttered.

“Oh,you finally learned the name of a bird besides a chicken! I guessyour brain isn’t made entirely of pudding after all.”

“Well,I think I’ve seen quite enough. Keep up the good work.” Natorislipped out of the room, and dusted off his robes. The sounds ofanother argument faintly followed Natori up the hallway and aroundthe corner.

TheCat King was pouting into his dinner as the chatter of the othernobles rose around him. The king only glared moodily into thedistance as the chef standing behind the king gulped nervously.

“What’sthe matter, your majesty?” Natori asked as he leaned over theking’s shoulder.

“Theparade is tomorrow and I still haven’t seen a single piece of mynew suit yet.”

“Theweavers insist that you not see it until the whole thing isfinished.”

“Wellthe unveiling is supposed to be tomorrow, it should be finished bynow!”

“Thestaff say those two are working night and day, they continually hearthe snipping of scissors and the rustle of fabric from their workroom.”

“Andyet it’s still not ready, I don’t see how I can have my paradetomorrow if they’re not finished by now.”

“Theyboth assured me they’re just doing the finishing touches now, and Ican assure you that every noble, adviser, and staff member you’vesent to check on the progress all say the suit will be the crowningpiece in your wardrobe.”

“Ifyou say so,” the king grumbled as he speared a roast mouse and heldit up to sniff at.

“Ifnot, you can always banish them, or send them to the dungeon, or anyother punishment you can think of.”

“You’reright! Thanks, Natori. You always know just what to say.”

“You’requite welcome, your majesty.”

Itwas the day of the parade, the grand unveiling of the Cat King’snew suit, and he was starting to have second thoughts. “I have towear those?”

“Yeah,”Muta grunted as he held up a pair of oddly shaped garments made fromsilk. “To give the whole thing the proper shape.”

“You’resure?”

“Quite,your majesty,” Toto said as he peaked out from behind a curtain,the king’s new suit was said to be behind the curtain so thesurprise wouldn’t be spoiled. “If you don’t wear those, thewhole thing won’t keep the proper shape. The only failing of mywondrous fabric is that it is so light and airy that it doesn’tkeep its shape very well, and you wouldn’t want your sleeves todroop, would you?”

Theking sighed, “If I must.”

Ittook quite a while just to get the under things on. The king grumpilylooked at himself in the mirror, the two pieces didn’t even meet inthe middle and his fur was sticking out at all angles from betweenthem. “I look ridiculous.”

“Sodoes everyone in their underwear,” Muta replied as he held nothingup for the king to inspect. “It’ll all be covered by the suit.Now, hold out your arms so I can put your shirt on.”

Theking’s eyes bulged, he couldn’t see a shirt. He looked back athis attendants who were all oohing and aahing over the shirt orcommenting on which piece was their personal favorite. The clotheswere real, they had to be… but the king couldn’t see them. ‘Ohdear,’ the king thought, ‘and Lune’s away. I can’t let themknow or there’ll be a revolt before he gets back.’ The king heldout his arms and allowed Muta to carefully dress him as Toto handedover more empty air. When they were done the fur sticking out fromhis middle was laying down as if under some kind of weight, and theking’s attendants were admiring his suit louder than ever. ‘Itmust be real,’ the king thought in despair as he turned this wayand that to better admire himself in the mirror.

“Andnow you hold the train,” Toto said as he and Muta trailed along tothe noblemen behind the king. “Be very gentle, such light fabric isquite delicate. Yes, that’s perfect.”

“Itdoes my heart good to see all our hard work paying off,” Muta saidas he wiped empty air from an eye.

“It’stime for the parade to start,” Natoru called from beyond thecurtained doorway.

“Let’sget going, then.” The king puffed up his chest and marcheddeterminedly from the room.

Itwas to great fanfare that he left the palace, the road through hiskingdom was tightly lined with Cats who had come from far and wide tosee the rumored magical clothes he was showing off. They had gottenjust far enough for the whispers and eerily silent crowd to unnervethe king when they met a procession going the other way.

“Father,what’s going on?” prince Lune asked from the head of the otherprocession. “Why are you strutting about in those strangeunderthings?”

“Theprince can’t see his majesty’s clothes!” someone in the crowdcalled in shock.

“Wellthat’s a relief, ‘cause I can’t either,” someone elsecommented.

“I’dcall you a fool but I can’t either,” their neighbor commented.Soon there were murmurs all up and down the crowd that no one couldsee the magnificent suit the king was supposed to be wearing.

Lune’sgood friend, the Baron von Gikkingen, stepped forward from theprince’s procession and took off his coat to lay it over the king’sshoulders. “Sylvester, what happened while we were away?”

“Apair of weavers promised to make me a magic suit,” the king mumbledabashedly.

“Itseems you’ve been swindled, let’s get you back inside the palaceand out of those ridiculous clothes.”

“Butthe parade,” the king protested feebly as Baron gently led him backtowards the palace.

“Lunecan finish it for you, the people will be happy to see him home.”

“AndI’m sure they’ll be happy to meet my lovely Yuki,” Lune addedas he smiled down at the pretty white Cat hanging off his arm.

“Well,alright then.” The king allowed himself to be led away by Baron,who gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Notes:Pairing up CK and Baron is right up there with Ozai/Tree so far ascrack ships go, but it turned out to be surprisingly cute. And itseemed pretty obvious that Toto and Muta were too perfect for theswindlers, I couldn’t not use them! I also want to note that Toto andMuta were using a trick loom and simple tricks on Natoru, notactually making invisible cloth or using magic of any kind. You canalso easily make the king’s fur look like it’s under a weight just bypushing it down with your hands- er… paws. I wonder if they’vepulled this swindle off before…

TheGrateful Crane (Tsuru no Ongaeshi) is a folktale about a crane whodisguises herself as a woman and weaves beautiful cloth from herfeathers until her true identity is revealed. I had already chosen torefer to this tale when I went to research it and found out just howsimilar a title it is to the Cat Returns Neko no Ongaeshi) so of course I had play withthat fact! And also swan maidens are known for their magnificentfeather cloaks, but that’s not really related at all. I’m just sadthat I can’t end it with “and they all lived happily ever after”because well… it’s not that kind of fair tale despite actuallystarting with “once upon a time.”

[zur-en-arrhbatman]

Because I’m bored, I thought that it would be fun to tackle Avengers: Age of Ultron. While it is still quite a good movie, there are elements that could be better about it. So I thought it might be interesting to write my own version of it.

Firstly a bit of house-cleaning: though this part might be a bit controversial. Avengers: Age of Ultron was filmed from February of 2014 to August of 2014. There have been a few commentaries (mainly from Joss Whedon himself) that felt that the whole process of the film was a bit rushed, causing a finished product that was not as good as it could be. 

Ant-Man began filming in August of 2014 and was completed in December of 2014 with some pick ups in April of 2015. The film was under production since before Iron Man came out in 2008, so I think it would be fairly easy to switch the release date of the two films - in this version, the events of Ant-Man precede the events of Age of Ultron. This will become more relevant later. 

Next, I feel that the movie did not properly tie together the events of the previous movies: Tony Stark had destroyed all of his suits in Iron Man 3, the whole Thor: The Dark World might as well have not happened, The Winter Soldier is probably the most influential element on Age of Ultron. 

My thinking is this:

We open on Asgard, as the twins previously introduced at the end of The Winter Soldier break into the Asgardian vault and steal a precious artifact (an Infinity Stone, perhaps with Quicksilver foolishly pulling it off of a partially completed Infinity Gauntlet, hinting at Loki still working for Thanos). They are accosted by Loki (appearing as Odin) but they are able to beat Loki (see the Worf Effect) and return to Earth with their stolen treasure. 

Loki (”Odin”) commands Thor to retrieve the Infinity Stone, sending him to Earth to recruit the Avengers. Thor seeks the help of Tony Stark after he discovers that SHIELD is gone and can’t help him. They discover that HYDRA has teamed up with the remnants of AIM (from Iron Man 3) and intend to reverse engineer the tech to create a superweapon (as supervillains are wont to do). 

Tony is still retired from. the events of Iron Man 3, but he plays a bit of tech support for Thor, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow, and Hawkeye as they assault the HYDRA/AIM compound. They are soundly defeated by Baron von Strucker and his super-powered henchmen (Extremis soldiers, led by Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver). 

The Avengers retreat to Avengers tower to lick their wounds, with Tony bringing up “Project Ultron” with Banner as a solution to their problems. It’s clear they’ve argued about this before - but Banner accedes when Quicksilver runs by the tower to prank the group to rub in their face that they were defeated by them. 

Back at the HYDRA compound, it’s clear that Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch are chafing under HYDRA command, but they are being forced to work for them. Tony and Bruce boot up Ultron, with Steve angry and comparing Ultron’s programming to “Project Insight” (a Winter Soldier reference). Ultron goes after the HYDRA compound, straight up murdering Baron Von Strucker even as Tony tries to shut him down. 

Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch refuse to kill Ultron, instead using the opportunity to put Strucker out of his misery. Ultron himself is crippled from Stark and Banner’s attempts to shut him down. Feeling empathy for the fallen robot, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver take Ultron and escape from the HYDRA compound just as Tony Stark arrives with the Avengers and finds that Ultron has escaped. 

Steve is angry at Tony, but decides that the fault of one team member is the responsibility of the whole team (him taking responsibility for Ultron sets up the conflict in Civil War later - Tony would rather not take personal responsibility). Tony isn’t very sorry, vowing to shut down Ultron for good (throw in some Frankenstein’s Monster parallels for good measure). Bruce Banner is ashamed at having created a death machine as he feared (it gets old with him feeling guilty about being the Hulk, lets say he’s over it in this one and give him a different sort of man pain). 

Black Widow tells them to get their shit together and the group deduces that the new villain trio has escaped with the Infinity Stone. They figure that Ultron must want to construct a new body. We get a scene with the Twins road tripping with Ultron, who is portrayed almost like a baby, but there are hints at his darker nature. They arrive at a prison (sent there by Ultron) and the twins break in to break out “a friend”. 

The Avengers arrive and fight the twins, with Tony Stark going in (still no armor, remember) to get the prisoner - a return cameo by Sam Rockwell’s Justin Hammer - hereby dubbed the second smartest man in the MCU. Ultron intends to take Hammer hostage and force him to build him a new robot body. The Twins are defeated by the Avengers, but Tony loses Hammer as Ultron hacks into one of Hammer’s suits of armor (that he had been secretly building to escape prison) and leaves with Hammer hostage after a conversation with Tony (more Frankenstein parallels here).

The Avengers return to their tower once more and are met by Hank Pym. He gives the rallying speech that Fury gave in the real life Age of Ultron. He reveals that Ultron is based off of programming that he did for SHIELD back in the 1980s, which eventually developed into Project Insight. He tries to assuage Banner’s guilt and also offers his resources to help defeat the robot. The group are joined by Ant-Man and the Wasp (two original founders of the Avengers pre-dating even Captain America and definitely important additions before you add anyone else) . 

Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver catch up to Ultron, finding that he has tortured Hammer into constructing him “the perfect body”, now powering himself with the Infinity Stone. The Twins are suitably squicked out as they realize this isn’t a joyride anymore but a genocidal death robot. They try to fight Ultron but are nearly killed - they go to the Avengers and tell them what’s up. Cap tries to get them to join but they definitely don’t want to fight Ultron. 

Tony finally builds a new suit of Iron Man armor and the Avengers as a whole suit up to go fight Ultron, who has used his programming (which includes data from SHIELD) to take Hawkeye’s family hostage so that he can set a trap to kill the Avengers. Now we can rework in those lines about “Wait you have a family?” and some character focus for Hawkeye going into the final moments of the film. 

Hawkeye, Black Widow, and Cap successfully rescue the kids while the rest of the Avengers team goes after Ultron (so we can have a scene with the Issue #1 line up of the Avengers) With the revelation that Hawkeye has a family we can finally add on top of the romantic tension there had been between Cap and Widow in The Winter Soldier. 

Once the kids are safe, the Avengers all band together to take down Ultron, rip him to pieces and take the Infinity Stone back. Through his communications back home, Thor has begun to suspect something awry with “Odin” and decides not to take the Infinity Stone back to Asgard, but to somewhere else that is safe. Banner (feeling guilty about creating Ultron) offers to tag along as extra protection. 

Tony Stark reaffirms his status as Iron Man and promises that he and Cap will protect Earth together in Thor and Hulk’s stead, but it’s clear that there is already some tension building between the two heroes (once again foreshadowing Civil War). 

In the end credits we have Thanos threatening Loki, taking the partially completed gauntlet, and sending a henchman (perhaps a GotG alum) to go after Thor and the Infinity Stone (setting up Thor: Ragnarok).