#which is usually the easier part for me
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today was SUCH a good day even though i didn't do the thing i wanted to get done and i know it was because i CREATED!! i meant to just jot down an idea in a google doc but that accidentally turned into like four HOURS and almost 3000 words and i??? feel so good?? i've been lamenting a lot lately that i have all these fragments floating around in my head but i haven't been able to actually Make anything with them and then today i finally did in a way that i completely didn't anticipate and that came out of nowhere and it felt GREAT. and then i sang in the car and saw the sunlight in the trees and watching a funny show and lived laughed love the spirit of small joys saturday!! i love you guys!!!
#i know that sometimes i'm ready to write and sometimes i'm not. it's not something i try to force#but there have been so so so many Pieces in my head lately that i've been like. there must be a way to synthesize these into something that#means something.#i really thought that one of these days a poem would appear in my head#NOPE#but if anyone's um. into the idea of a percy jackson timeloop fic. feel free to encourage! i feel like this could be the one i really finis#for once i pretty much have a middle and an end. usually i write the beginning and peter out#this time i jotted down the beginning bullet style and then it turned into real writing against my will#so the beginning part definitely still needs more fleshing out but. maybe not so much? a few pages maybe?#it's all There it just needs to be Written#which is usually the easier part for me#also i have been clinging to 'write the part you want to write'#some of it does need to be fleshed out for Pacing I Want reasons but.#for the most part. i am letting myself paint the things i don't feel like writing in broad strokes#and it works! i think it works. especially with a time loop. that's just what happens as it goes on#anyway! cool feeling! i am capable of more than consumption and template replication after all!
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kill me again; show me the only way you know how to love.
#iwtv#amc iwtv#interview with the vampire#iwtv spoilers#loustat#louistat#louis de pointe du lac#lestat de lioncourt#dreamstat#art#mine#*24#lestat#louis#i usually dont like watching weekly dropping shows until at least half the season's out BUT. but... this scene made me rewatch and get#caught up with season 2. i spent my whole birthday (27th lol) watching iwtv babyyy#i had to do this in black and white at the start which i usually never do but i wanted the faces to look like them and b&w allows you to#see the contours of a face without the distraction of color muddling it so. went the extra mile on that#like it is genuinely much much easier to draw realistic shit in b&w but the problem is i like color. and recoloring b&w paintings#is a challenge of its own so it doesn't look shit. i had to repaint parts in color etc -_-. idk if i even like this lol#anywayy. my tortured saint louis <3
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toodeee
everything is transient. only an easy to draw guy is forever
#gorillaz#2d#stuart pot#gorillaz 2d#admin draws#fanart#needed a palate cleanser from my current fixation. came back to my roots#lore that i dont really get to talk about a lot outside of dms is that gorillaz is like a cornerstone of my art lol esp post 2018#ive had 4 main inspirations which are gorillaz phases 2-3. soul eater. homestuck. and a friend of mine. he knows who he is.#come to think of it 2018 is in some ways the year i really started drawing. 3/4 inspirations walked into my life that year#bc of this when i went to make a separate blog for art it became part of my username. slav-hewlett#ive had several dreams in which jamie hewlett just is there and gives me art advice and a few kind words. damon is usually there too#theyre a pack deal do not separate etc. those dreams are always really nice.#contrary to how much i draw 2d mudz is my favorite. its just that dear ol stu is very fun and much easier to draw#i should give murdoc a fair shot though. now that ive got the chops. theres been attempts thru the year but none were posted
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"I don't like sad things" hello ??? you who has come up with some of the angstiest things before ? delightfully hurt/comfort ? /t
Listen Blaines my dear friend
I never said I wasn't a hypocrite, like I was in tears about your lie in april + I want to eat your pancreas and I'm always in tears about Kojika and Ronin's Right person, not enough time dynamic- I think that's just a trope that's always gonna make me cry ngl-
I genuinely don't like sad things most of the time but angst I can handle when I know there's comfort at the end. When I know the characters are gonna get a happy ending or I know where the story is gonna go or if I'm forewarned ahead of time.
And the Angst thing is because I have Ru as my role model in the angst department so Gotta keep up with their silly antics /j
#that being said uhhhhhh Yes I have angst things but listen LISTEN#if you think i'm bad you should see Danganronpa's backstories for their characters good lord#My motto is please get characters therapy amen#bUT NO NO STORIES ABOUT GRIED FUCK ME UP IN A VERY PARTICULAR A WAY#i think it's why I'm latching onto batman so hard because His story is rooted so heavily in grief#it is an intricate part of who he is! it was a life altering event the death of his parents! you can't take it away from the person he is!!#and Grief is that thing you can never really escape because death comes for everyone in the end. you're either going to be the grieved or#the griever#the saddest thing that can be is someone who has no one to grieve for them tbh#sorry I quite literallt just finished your lie in april an hour ago so it is fresh on the brain#BLAINES :D!!#but yeah no if anyone asks about Any angst thoughts I have uhhhhhh it depends because I usually sell myself as someone that's very fluff#focused and that's true and is the main kind of stuff I enjoy reading/watching but sometimes Angst is good#Especially as Hurt/Comfort JUST MWAH the good stuff in getting comfort#madi answers#also if anyone asks who kojika and ronin are... they are some of my ocs#i don't usually talk about my OCs on tumblr because it's tumblr but I have so much lore on them it's insane#wHICH KOJIKA'S STORY IS ALSO SO INTRICATELY TIED TO GRIEF AND HOW IT'S EVER CONSUMING IF YOU LET IT BE AND GNAWS#if any of you ask about my OCs I apologize for the infodump that will be thrown upon my page#it's honestly easier to get their info from my art fight please
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how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)
#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on#either way#im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔#if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me#again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg#i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever#but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do#and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying#like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative#but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me#oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you#but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't#like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it)#i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable!#fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it#and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier#of my friendships#wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up#the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom)#i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a#'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order#not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i#may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me !#sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭#vee rambles
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Genuinely spending 2 hours a day just prepping the fiber, RIP
To be fair at least a third of that time is pushing the executive function button so I can start the next nest. They're unfortunately one of those activities that has enough steps that each one feels like it's own separate thing, so I have to Start Task each damn time. So there's a 5-10 minute cooldown between them.
Got 9 nests, I think (on top), middle is some fleece that's already had a lot of locks picked out so it's kind of jumbled, bottom is combing waste.
#That's how all fiber prep is for me... I bet if I was actually medicated it'd go faster#but what can you do.#anyway ive done similar things. 2021 tdf i was carding rolags as i went#but those are so much faster !!! like 2 minutes at most and usually closer to 30 seconds for a rolag that takes#around the same amount of time to spin as a nest of top#meanwhile the nests are 10 minutes each IF i have already picked the locks. which ive started doing bc it feels a little faster#and earlier this year i was spending an hour to an hour and a half before work every day combing southdown babydoll for sock yarn#but i was also spinning that up on supported spindles (i spin 3x slower on those than on my wheel) and over the course#of like a 10+ hour shift#so it felt a lot more reasonable#im combing more of this shetland per day than i was the southdown for sure#but yeah it spins up so much faster that its like. whole morning: combing#tiny but nice part of afternoon: actually spinning the top#idk a ton about how ancient people prepared their wool... definitely need to find some info bc it would be fascinating to know#but carding cloth is a pretty recent development in the grand scale of how long humans have kept sheep#so.... yeah i can imagine youd need like 4 kids combing the wool just to keep up with one experienced spinner#or else that one spinner is spending all damn morning prepping wool#its not a great nighttime activity bc if you cant see real well then your prep really suffers#easier to spin in the near dark than prep in the near dark by a long shot#idk ! cool to think about#im rly intruiged by sally pointers video on that blackthorn hand hackle thing (i cant remember the name RIP)#feels like it could comb wool too ? or at least you could try and then make something better when that failed#but a comb of some kind is just gonna be the easiest thing to make if nothing else ...#palm comb#tour de fleece#tour de fleece 2023#wool prep
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it is unfortunate when i go to prayer and cry my eyes out and the only response i really hear is that i simply have to bear it. like usually i can get my emotions out and once they’re settled i hear a rational solution but it sucks when i don’t get the answer i want. i just have to keep waiting. like normally i hear something that gives me strength but wow apparently i’ve hit a new low
#literally all my problems would be so much easier to deal with if i had friends#and normally i’d be told ‘do this and you’ll probably find friends’#my plan has always been just to wait for someone to find me bc i’m horribly shy and antisocial#even though logically i know that’s a bad way of going about it#my logical rational analytical brain has always been obsessed with finding concrete answers. it’s always been ‘what can *I* do’#so even when i suffer there’s a part of me that says ‘it’s ok once i’m done crying i can work this out and go right back to trying’#i’ve been emotionally dead for years but i’ve always held onto faith like that#tonight i feel like i’ve been brought low. i feel like i’ve finally been told that i might just have to wait after all#which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility#but it’s actually crushing bc it absolves me of power#i feel like i’m finally facing the realization that i’m powerless and pathetic and i’m never going to be able to fix myself#that i can try as hard as i want but i can’t shake off this cross#but i don’t know how long i have to wait for someone to find me#and even if they find me how do i not fumble it#my first instinct is to push people away bc i assume they’re not really interested they’re just trying to be nice#which is usually true#i don’t even know how to sustain casual friendships and im so desperately in need of deep ones#i can’t open up to someone without just breaking apart and making it clear how pathetic i am#one would think i ought to find someone better than myself who can fix me#but on the other hand i think the only time that the good parts of me come out is when im facing someone even worse than me#like i have a tendency to morph into the opposite of the other person in any given situation to maintain healthy balance#so like when surrounded by extroverts which is almost always i become an introvert#it’s rare to meet an introvert but then i become stronger and more extroverted around them. like something in me just loves helping others#even though i can’t help myself#what do i pray for? a fellow pathetic person? or someone with the patience and kindness and life knowledge of a saint?#will either of them really be found just by chance in my life?#and even if i do meet someone. truly i wish they’d also be lonely. i want them to need me#i don’t want to be a pity charity case. like a side project for someone with real friends already
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...
#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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it doesnt feel right giving eclipse!zam anythign other than a necktie and im not sure why...
#mine.txt#my designs are haevily feelings-based which is why i have such a hard time changing them#even when ive admitted a certain aspect of it is stupid or illogical#i gave zam a ribbon in the animation i made because it would make it easier for transitional purposes since normally i draw zam with a ribb#but now i just have this nagging feeling of wanting to change it#i have this feeling a lot when making designs and i usually try my best to figure out why that is and feel it out first#before going through with it#a good example of this is my spoke design like i procrastinated Heavily on changing him even tho the whole time i was like hm dont like thi#but i gotta settle this Now or else it would be a nightmare to animate the later parts#so ig im gonna just have to change it into a necktie or else it would forever bother me#wish i could figure it out soon tho cause its really bothering me#it could be something as because thats how the skin looks#or it could be something like symbolism or metaphor#like does my brain perceive something i dont cause if so id like it to share with the class
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how to stop thinking any good thing someone says to you (like compliments or being proud of you or other positive expressions such as these) is a lie just to be polite or bc they're biased and thus can't judge you work and your being objectively bc they love you. asking for a friend
#lovebombing won't work on me i will automatically assume there is an ulterior motive there#i may be off on what it is. but i won't trust it either anyway#(joking btw ik i'm not immune to abuse tactics. that's actually part of why i'm vigilant to all that i think)#(but not only)#i think my main issue is i know in my heart these things can't be right. the bigger the compliment the less i believe it#bc i'm below average and so is anything i create. propping it (and me) up as smth unique feels disingenuous#in my heart i do want this like i wanna be told nice things but they usually make me feel worse lol#bc i still think i'm shit and now i feel like i can't trust that person either.#(still. if someone is mean to me or even just harsh instead. i will cry)#also while this is already very deep and digging into my core the next tags are gonna dig into therapy level deepness lol#i think this is actually why i only want ppl to be sexually attracted to me honestly#smth abt it being like. a physical reaction. makes it easier to believe for me#also smth you can express smth you can do to prove it beyond just saying words#(i will sometimes still doubt it when i have a steady partner of any sort lol like i'll ask if they just indulge me or actually want it)#which is why it's fucking me up sm that i'm getting uglier 🥲 i'm already not great - being trans and fat limits a lot of your options - but#things are getting even worse lol 🥲 who knew that was even possible#all this isn't really a very good base to stop hating yourself. so my self loathing is only getting worse every day#thus making any good word harder to believe. and the cycle continues#. yknow when i started typing this post i did not expect to go on for this long#i am on these sleeping pills that make me lose my filter i'm sorry 😔#vent
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thinking about. womanhood again
#been thinking about how much of the way i have let some kind of womanhood in as a fragment of my identity is infleunced by me thinking that#'well people are going to gender me as a woman anyway so might as well accept it'#and i think that's a part of it (not a thought i overall enjoy. feels somehow defeatist or like i'm giving in or whatever.)#(which i dont think it is but it's a kneejerk reaction)#i do also think that the way i have been actively trying to unpack some of my internalized misogyny has a part in it#i'm not proud to say that i did grow up as a girl who thought womanhood (as it was presented to me at the time)#sounds stupid and way too much effort and unrelatable#but now that my view of the different ways to experience and relate to womanhood have broadened#i can say that i do feel some connection to it. even if i dont usually really claim it as wholly mine#and that acceptance has made it easier to be perceived as a woman in my day to day life#i'm not saying it never stings but. isk it's a bit different#i have said it before but the main thing that bothers me is being seen always and only as a woman.#like i can be a little bit of a woman and Kind Of Like a woman or a close approximate of a woman#but if Woman is all people see my gender as that stingsss#just like being seen solely as a man stings too#(this doesnt happen often so usually it feels more like a fun gender sprinkled in.#or like. it affirms my gender by telling me that i can confuse people)#like. i'm not really a woman i'm not really a man but those are the two options currently recognized by most of society#so a mix of both feels like the best case scenario for me personally genderwise#because gender neutral terms dont always just. hit the same for me as mixing gendered ones does. this varies greatly though#but also i would like to. hm. how to say this. not make that into a rule for myself? i dont want to overthink it#(<- says a guy who has never not overthought anything)#like i have been finding a lot of joy in dressing a bit more masculine in the last year which is wonderful#but sometimes i find myself stressing that if i look 'too masc' people are going to misread my identity more often#because i have a masc leaning chosen name and all#but i try to remind myself that. bitch people are going to misread and misunderstand your gender no matter what you do. relax#but idk. anyway abolish gender so i can start stressing over something else#nowe talks#gender
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perpetually wondering if i talk too much about myself or not talk enough because it seems that when i do talk about my interests to other people they just kind of ignore me which is fine because i dont expect people to be interested in my obsessions. Hrm. Social Relationships.
#then theres the fact that everyone seems to be having a bad time perpetually#so i think talking about whats on their mind or their interests make them feel better#and out of respect and desire to read the room i think its wise to not drop the history lesson on them#but it does make me wonder if people see me as a half-person and maybe i should be more forward#and every time it seems like a good moment to try being a bit vulnerable the response i usually get is ignorance#which is better than disgust but i wish people would just tell me straight up that they aren't interested or dont want to hear about it#part of me also thinks that it would be easier if my interests were cooler#i was going to say more eclectic but i dont think they can possibly be more eclectic at the moment....#wish gay people liked them more i guess lol lmao
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Goly- 6 hours in one frame, im here just planning bigger art project yet -🦂
Animation Is Hell
And good luck with your project!
#asks#thylacines can talk#And to be honest it's probably like. 30 minutes per frame. But if you animate 8-12 frames per second that shit stacks up#My Ppplar ST MAP part was animated on 8fps which does make it look a little choppy#Might redo it some day#Other animations are usually on 12fps altering between on ones to on twos (aka either movement each frame or movement every second frame)#But tweening is personally easier for me because you draw less. But it's just as time consuming as frame by frame#Don't let the art snobs deceive you tweening takes fuckin forever and is just as hard just in a different way
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It feels like I'm losing brains cells looking at discord
#discord is my little library of conversations i knew everything was!#i memorized key words to find conversations in specific channels and i cant even find them anymore :')#my frequent search history is gone too :')))#i also dont like how whenever i try to swipe right out of habit that it makes me reply to others instead of giving me the list of members#and easier access to search#i dont like reaching to the top of the app and clicking the question mark#THE IN CHANNELS SEARCH PART ARENT EVEN THERE ANYMORE#thats how i know where is what it makes things so much more specific#its also much more darker than before? which id usually appreciate but god it looks so off#if i wanna search things i have to go and type a key word in every single channel before i find it and that drives me fucking insane#flame vents
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every other week or so im struck with the powerful urge to become an editor on the limbus wiki. its been an uphill battle every time i see smth that i know and isnt on there or that could be fixed. but holy shit would i never do anything else
#i cant imagine how much context i could glean if i knew korean btw#in japanese they tend to have a lot more distinct dialogue quirks so its easier to tell who writes the flavor texts#(i am in camp 'every single description comes from a character')#and also the amount of Theory you can get from comparing what lines stay the same in each language. or comparing nuances in word choice#so many of my thoughts are wondering which parts of each translation were truest to the original text#like. in english theyre 'sinners' but in japanese they're 'prisoners'#in korean is it a word that means both? or maybe there's a specific connotation they're going for?#japanese has a regular ol' word for 'sinner' too it's very much deliberate methinks. were i a stronger man id be picking up the duolingo#anyways can you tell its my first day back on the adderall#tumblrs lucky i usually dump this on the discord friends the blog would be flooded#nightmare nightmare nightmare#post edit just something interesting but did you know in the bull observation logs one of the lines is pretty clearly rodya in japanese#but the english version of the line is almost certainly heath#weird innit#edit 2: theres a couple more instances of this (albeit less apparent) which is leading me to think that in the original texts#rodya and heath have similar dialects and the translators went with one or the other. interesting to consider the distinction between#a deliberate translation choice and simply separate people making their own interpretations. much to consider
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guys i think my mysterious sleep disorder is that im nocturnal
#half kidding#but no i do think that part of my mysterious sleep disorder might be a wonky circadian rhythm thing#vampires still arent real and im still not a vampire but at this point#the evidence is kind of incriminating#im starting to be convinced and i KNOW im not a vampire#i just so happen to get very tired and achy with sun exposure#(i can sunbathe! i actually tan a lot in summer! i just have to sleep after)#(i also have to wear sunglasses because the brightness gives me sensory overloads + headaches)#(which is another reason i use a parasol)#and i happen to like the taste of blood and seek it our#and i just so happen to be able to smell blood more easily than the average person even when nobody is actively bleeding#and i just happen to bite people#and love the moon#and not do stuff unless invited directly or granted direct permission but tHATS COMMON COURTESY#my body temperature is at the low end of what’s normal#but i usually feel hot#(or really cold. or chills or heat flashes or both at the same time)#the taste of blood gives me energy and makes it easier for me to focus#and i have heart problems <3#BUT i’m not a vampire it’s just a funny coincidental combination of little oddities#i assure you i am most definitely human#bobbi babbling
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