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#why am I so cruel to myself
groupwest · 2 years
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I love my blog so much
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bunnihearted · 3 months
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🌧️🫧💭
#i shouldnt have fav mutuals bc i get sooo sad when they soft block me#which *always* happens like im not joking the day will come when they're just like nahhh bye#🥲🥲 nd i cant help but get sad#nd i dont even agree w that anon who said that 'no wonder everyone blocks u' bc im never mean to anyone#i think it's just bc im fundamentally unlikable and unlovable and the time will come when smth abt me#ticks them off nd nothing abt me is ever tolerated i always have to be perfect for everyone so then i just get cut off like dead weight lmao#also it shows that i get attached so easily but in reality ... ppl are not at all as attached to me 💀💀#like i care abt them but they dont care abt me nd it makes me feel so stupid#why do i so easily care for ppl?????? why do i have to care nd like ppl when it's always gonna end the same way#me being me is bad nd wrong and nobody could ever truly know me nd still like me#i have to live my life constantly hiding parts of myself and making sure im not too authentic or too open bc then i will make ppl dislike me#it rlly is that. im never mean. i never fight. ppl just see smth abt me nd go 'oh ewwwwww' nd then leave#nd if it hasnt already happened it will at some point nd im constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop#whenever i realize i say or did smth wrong im tense waiting for the moment where they'll leave me will arrive#ok this might sound silly bc i was like 'triggered' by smth small but like#all my life thats just how it's been. im not even mean or cruel. i just exist and ppl dont like me or who i am or what i think#i can never be truly myself anywhere. that is sure to result in being all alone 4ever. but i dont like hiding parts of myself#but i have to. but its hard when im trying to hide nd be lowkey but i still manage to make ppl dislike me T-T#idek what im supposed to do bc i just exist nd im not likable. i try to be that but im still not. idk what to do#anyway.. who cares.. j'appartiens seul#but yeah it is bc it's like this for me all the time nd ig that triggered me lmao#i mean just w my sisters.. their issue is just who i am. my personality. i havent been cruel to them. or bullied them. or put them down#they just get irritated from my personality nd who i am. thats what makes them mad. nd they kinda want me to just stop being me nd idk how#to do that and therefore we arent even talking. havent talked for a year#i wanna cry like????? what am i supposed to do??????? im so extremely fucking horrible that just by exisiting nd not being mean or cruel mak#es me unworthy of everything. idk idk like. omg i feel so stupid for being triggered by that#maybe if i had irl friends and a job and a life i wouldnt care but im a fucking loser failure worthless good for nothing idiot. ofc im this
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pochapal · 22 days
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they should invent a being off sick for numerous months that isn't boring as hell
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caffeineandkerosene · 26 days
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no food no money no job no family!!!!! just me crying and dissociating like i'm ten years old again <33333
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retracexcviii · 1 year
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Sunday Moon
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Hi there dear fellows and Luna lovers, the last day of the week just hit.
Don't edit this drawing and don't post it anywhere.
This commission was made by an artist I follow for a time since I love her style and coloring (I'm weak for the texture).
You can find her profile @/janicahannahsoro_ on Instagram.
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moregraceful · 5 months
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tagged by @lemondropbois and @kitnita and @lovethygoalie!! I love having so many writer mutuals from such diverse points of fandom. I wasn't gonna do this because I am under a severe writing deadline however I am also so deeply frustrated right now that a nice meme may cheer me up. or make me worse. unclear
wip title game rules: post the names of all the files in your wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have wips.
not posting everything in my wip folder bc most of my wips need to get moved to the superhell (abandoned) folder, i just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. also i have talked about some of these before so i may not share a snippet if i haven't added anything to it since the last time i did this. here's what i have read and pondered in the past 5 months:
bergy buster love
jamie tyler robbers and cowards
kaapo alexis k'andre
mario brent trade (<- boba au)
miro jrob everything
roope jani water and power plot
shak nikita
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big fan of descriptive google doc titles. I decided my birthday/new year's resolution is to not use any song lyrics as titles 😤
soft tagging whoever wants to do it!
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discocactusblogs · 2 months
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#how to keep hopeful when you feel like God's not going to give you the one thing youre hoping for#how to keep from being angry at God because you just don't see movement in your life in this one area#yet when you pray for God's will#He assures you you're where He wants you#I have never wanted this thing before and now that I'm older I find myself longing for it#It's hard to listen to my parents when their only answer to everything is “pray about it” as if I havent been doing so for years#It's hard to take their whole “be patient” speech seriously when my mom married at 21#My dad only slightly understands but I feel like its different at the same time#I was perfectly fine in church until the Pastor told a story about a married couple and the whole church was laughing while I nearly cried#I am the only single lady in my church on top of the only single person in my age group#I'm not even sure why God gave me this desire for marriage and a family#I feel like “God why would you give me this burning desire to have a family and marriage that glorifies and honors you if you weren't going#to give me said thing?“#I'm asking God to help me enjoy being single but at the same time I feel myself starting to grow bitter and thats something I dont want.#I know not everyone is called to be married and thats what's got me messed up and angry because if I'm not called to marriage#why did He give me the desire for it? I feel like that's just cruel and I know God isn't mean or cruel#also sorry Narni for stealing the way you rant lol#I feel bad everytime I post a rant and using tags seems to work better so I don't feel so bad
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crown-ov-horns · 2 months
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I recently found out people ship Cassandra with Apollo.
My initial reaction was...
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Just tan their hides. You know what happened to her because the the bastard, don't you?..
Then, I was overwhelmed by morbid curiosity, and checked AO3. People are writing rape fics about them. ...Why?..
Could I ever see Cassandra x Apollo?.. I don't know, maybe. But, definitely not the nonsense I mentioned. Dubcon at most. I guess, he might somehow coerce her into sleeping with him, and later rescue her from the fall of Troy, because she's pregnant with his child, or something (Zeus would be pissed, I'm fine with that).
Sounds like an intriguing story, with a lot of morally questionable elements. I can imagine Apollo confiding in Artemis, wondering why his wife is so upset. She'd just go "are you serious rn?.. -_-".
...What, you're surprised I'm among those I wish to hide with a broom? Don't be. It happens quite often, actually.
#greek mythology#greek myth fandom#apollo#cassandra#apollo x cassandra#diary pages#thoughts#greek gods#this is such a fucked up pairing#in the iliad you like apollo then remember what he did cassandra#i don't blame her for rejecting his advances he's an entitled fboy with nine girlfriends and she wanted to remain chaste#the way he responded is very cruel honestly cassandra's story breaks my heart#of course i'm discussinv them as characters not religious figures#apollo can be such a creep#greek myth fanfic#fanfiction ideas#what the hell i have a hundred epics in my wips already including one with apollo#but i SHOULD put this aside the “Apollo coerces Cassandra then saves her because she's pregnant”#it's dark but also very intriguing to explore... it isn't supposed to be hot really well maybe later#dionysus married ariadne why can't apollo marry cassandra#she wouldn't want to marry him but what other choice would she have#their further relationship just seems so fascinating#yeah apollo would be confused why she's upset - he'd get her being upset about the fall of troy but not why she's upset with him#but as gods do he'd imagine she should be happy about getting rescued by him#why am i doing this to myself (and cassandra)#i suppose... i just want a better ending for cassandra (back to the fic idea) which this would be even though she'd have to deal with apollo#side note imagine the “pairing” in disney's hercules it would be hilarious#cassandra confronting hercules about his creepy older cousin trying to hit on her#or icarus trying to ask apollo if she'll go out with him and apollo replying “if you have my luck she'll just throw a shoe at your face”#she should take out a restraining order also
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teethgnashing · 5 months
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i need to stop talking abt body image issues with people who don’t have a double chin
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feluka · 8 months
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need to hire someone to knock me out with a baseball bat whenever they notice i'm lost in thought
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skrunksthatwunk · 4 months
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
#like. yeah i'll take the raised minimum wage. i guess. but jesus christ#yes you are doing slightly good things sometimes almost. can you stop killing people though. please. that is a higher priority#like this is my first prezzy election season since i turned voting age right and like. what the fuck am i supposed to do now#what am i supposed to do with this. it took me 5 fucking months to pick a dead cockroach off my floor how am i supposed to fix this.#how am i meant to be a person and go on living while knowing i am doing nothing and cannot do anything and won't do anything#i need to fight i need to get up but i am stuck. im always stuck. i pray yknow. i don't know what else to do#how can people think about buying houses and getting promotions in this world. how are they not feeling likr their chest is caving in every#time they falter in their complex self-distraction. how am i supposed to do anything when all i can think about is helping and my body won't#let me. i cant do anything i cant but i have to but i cant. im supposed to and im a bad person if i dont and i cant live like that.#and if i am too upset about that i am punished for it by the people around me and ignored by those in power if not punished as well.#i love the world. i love people. you motherfuckers are killing everything and im not stopping you and you're getting in the way of me loving#the life i was built to love and i can't understand why you think it's even thinkable to do what you're doing. or what im doing.#i just want to look at clovers and paint and be good to my neighbors but you won't stop fucking murdering people in front of me#and i can't fucking do anything. i cant take care of the people i love i can't carry my own weight i can't take care of myself i can't move#and im supposed to fucking file taxes? to fund mass slaughter? on the off chance it might go to welfare or something. god.#i hate it here i hate it here america is a fucking nightmare it is hell i can't stand it but if i leave im just running and saving myself#whch is selfsh and cruel and so i would never be able to escape the feeling and i would always be in american hell because it' a part of me#but if i stay i cannot do anything because my body is filled with smoke and broken glass and im supposed to fucking get my drivers license#so i can buy groceries or get a job so i can keep myself on life support watching everything get worse and worse around me#and knowing that nothing has ever been good here and ive been lied to forever and im still being lied to#and i am in hell.#and me dying won't fix it and me living won't fix it ans both are too painful to even consider.#i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning and my skin is on fire im on fire and i want to have children. but i can't imagine#doing that to someone. oh my god. and to raise them and watch them come to understand what this place ive brought them to is#that ive raised them in a slaughterhouse and to feebly try to show them the clovers and the ducks and the baby shoes and teach them to love#when maybe that love of the world is a distraction. or maybe i use it as one. i think of the blood as an obstacle to love and joy but maybe#i would not love the world so much if i was not so constantly desperately scared and ashamed of living in it#and i am a very lucky person. my life is cushy and i want to rip my skin off because what does that matter when it doesnt let me help people#god help me. but help the rest of them first. but i am helped first anyway and i hate it. i dont. i cant. god.#nyarla dni
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princekirijo · 5 months
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2024 might not be my year but it is gonna be the year I start treating myself with even a little bit of respect
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perilegs · 5 months
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i saw a tiktok where an artist had drawn their character and it had text from a poem, that was so so very beautiful, and the first lines i felt i've seen before. the artist said they didn't write the poem but didn't know who did, but, whered they get it then. i searched the whole thing and the only result that actually had the words was some fic with like 6 kudos. which i know i havent read before. but the first lines still feel so familiar and i swear i've seen them somewhere but i can't recall where and this might bother me for the rest of my life
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bonerey · 7 months
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THE DEAN PRYOR LORE JUST GOT SO MUCH WORSE...
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jentlemahae · 3 months
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#okay i need to vent a second#im literally heartbroken rn#this friend of mine just told me that she feels that ‘our friendship is starting to revolve around me’ bcs i asked her to help me once with#wheelchair practice and i was late to a meet up once and i am genuinely without words rn#like she’s been late multiple times and i’ve always let it go bcs i don’t think it’s that big of a deal but im late once and suddenly im an#awful friend#and yeah i need some more accommodations than most people but i feel like it’s obvious why#and to say that it weighs on u is genuinely cruel to me#cause i always try to make myself smaller so i dont bother people and u know that very well so to call me a weight is the cruelest thing#and she said that she feels like our friendship now is just about me discovering the world and her just being there#an insane thing to say when she knows how hellish these past years have been for me and how now im finally able to go out#it’s like am i not allowed to be happy?#i am so sad but also so angry#also the fact that she sent me this when she knows i’ve just started uni and im so stressed and overwhelmed is just beyond me#like does she even like me? does she care about me? she claims she does and then does this like wth#and i dont wanna be a bad friend and maybe she’s right and i am but im trying my best here#and im always there for her when she needs me so i dont get why she’s trying to make it seem like im not#like idek how to answer her#this is really not what i needed rn
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velociheroviridi · 1 year
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Kicking screaming and crying because I finally watched the first ep of the Lockwood and Co adaptation and it got me itching to reread the series and yet AND YET
Despite owning two copies - TWO - of the first book, the Screaming Staircase, I realized I have brought NEITHER of them to my apartment and that they are both at my parents place
AND YET SOMEHOW I HAD DECIDED TO BRING THE 3RD BOOK WITH ME?? 😭😭 PLS
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