#me being me is bad nd wrong and nobody could ever truly know me nd still like me

[silenthillbunni]

🌧️🫧💭

[k-i-ssmyash]

Pls I would love to hear your analysis on why those mitski songs fit each iz boy (feel free to ignore this but if you'd like do tell bcs I think it is interesting B) )

Oh buddy you've made a mistake. You'd love to hear the analysis? Well I love to talk; I hope your ready for the absolute word vomit and rambling that's under the cut. But yeah, no, i'll never turn down asks like this! Interact with me! I'm but a simple, lonely tumblr hermit.

Let's start off with the first post containing Zim and referencing A Pearl. I tie this song in with his (fandom assumed) character development and how it effects both his mental state, Dib, and his ideology of the Irken Empire as a whole. In a way, I think a lot of us over-sympathize or find common ground with our alien and it prompts us to victimize him and excuse a lot of his actions. And for good reasons honestly? It's easy to do so consider that he was born under the rule of a tyrannical society where flaws are looked down upon. He does wrong but to him it's not exactly wrong, is it? It's unfair to judge him and scrutinize him the same way we do humans. The show is slap-stick at it's core and despite the grim and black-humor based undertones, not much is taken seriously. Although it often ends up in failure, everything he attempts to do is to better the empire, to receive recognition from the beings they hail to about the same degree as a deity. The long and short of it is that he wants to make the Tallest happy. To prove that he's worth their time and that he can live up to everything he dreamed he could be, but the truth is that he can't. He loves the people that hate him the most. It's an abusive relationship at it's finest, really. So he picks up the most unhealthy coping mechanism: Denial. He can't accept the fact that he's a fake invader, or that his Tallest weren't coming to Earth, because it would genuinely destroy him. And why wouldn't it? Pleasing his superiors and contributing to the hive-collective is encoded in him. It's all he's ever known. I specifically chose the given lines "(It's just that) I fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended-" because that's the back-bone of Zim's character. You can take it both literally and metaphorically if you'd like. He's invader Zim. He likes being an invader because it gives him a purpose. The Tallest give him a fake mission and play into his delusion of doing good and being someone important (of being loved, even) and never truly hammer in the fact that he's exiled--not counting the unaired episode or the bit of commentary mumbled under the Tallests breath-- because they find the situation funny to an extent. (also, what gets me just in general with it is that Zim thinks that people like him but he's actually just one big joke and ow goddamn it my feelings) Main lyric(s) out of the way there I similarly associate the song to Zim's uh 'character redemption' so to say. I think he'd struggle to become accustomed to Earth and the fact that he doesn't have to rely on commands to live his life. I relate the line(s): "You're getting tired of me (and all of the things I don't talk about) / You love me so hard and I still can't sleep / It's not that I don't want you / It's not that I don't want your touch / There's a hole that you fill" With his relationship with Dib-- platonic, romantic, whatever-- and the general give and take of it all. He'd like to assimilate and believe in the freedom given by living on Earth. He wants it and in a way Dib provides the stability he needs there and it would be so, so, easy to give in to it. But he can't because the Empire continues to loom over him and his day-to-day life. As it's been proven, without Dib there to provoke Zim, the little alien falls into a depression, not unlike the one he fell into in Enter The Florpus when he saw the truth in his mission. Dib is his substitute, essentially. (there's something to be said with that relationship and how I view it but this is already dragging on and this is only the first analysis, so maybe another time.) And lastly, I'd like to think that the Pearl the song is eluding to can be compared to Zim's PAK. The whole 'Pearls are parasites that live inside of mollusks' bit can relate to the PAK and it's purpose. But I see it more in the sense that the PAK is the second brain, a computer memory drive that grants Zim access to the memories he can't bring himself to forget or delete. I.e., "And it left a pearl in my hand / And i roll it around every night just to watch it glow /

Every night, baby, that's where I go" Every time he takes a step forward, he takes two back because he just can't let go of what he knows (the Empire).

--- As for Dib and I Bet On Losing Dogs, well, it's a little more complicated and I'm still not entirely sure of my break-down here because there's so many layers to apply. Originally when I started messing around with this idea, it was going to be centered on Membrane "My baby, you're my baby, say it to me" and him loving Dib despite his flaws. And I still think it could apply. While Dadbrane doesn't support Dib's paranormal bull-shit, and he shouldn't considering the lengths Dib goes through to prove it (bus hoping, obsessive behavior, the fucking trench-coat) he does support and love his son despite the absentness. Hence the "I bet on losing dogs" and you know, Dadbrane just being there to pick him up and have his back when he really needs to. But then we get to the last line of the first verse. "Tell your baby that I'm your baby" To which Dib, in all of his edgy glory, decided to stick his big-head in to my thought process. I saw it as Dib wishing that Membrane would pick him over Science. Kind of a plea for attention? Like: Put your work away, I know you love it but you need to love me more. Dib has got to have the biggest hero-complex out of everyone in the show. He also has an inferiority-complex that compels him to try and prove himself. Quite frankly, and pun fully intended, he is the underdog. The odds are always against him and he almost never comes out victorious in the end, in that way, I feel like Dib himself is the loosing dog. His belief in the supernatural is the loosing dog. No one will ever believe him, "I bet on losing dogs / I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place" but he's too stubborn to give up. Even if he's mocked and ridiculed he would never stop trying to prove himself correct and would continue to stick to his guns. "I'll be there on their side / I'm losing by their side" He ostracizes himself from his peers by not letting belief go. He is purposely sabotaging his chance of being seen as someone other than the crazy kid.

That being said, the next line is where his Hero-complex comes back into play. "Where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down" in Enter the Florpus, his sworn enemy was in a funk that he knew all too well. Sure, in the end he wanted to use Zim for his own gain, but before that he sympathized with him. And in a way, he possibly wouldn't know how to act if he ever did actually succeed? I couldn't help but think that Dib, who has always lost wouldn't feel like exposing Zim would be a win? He'd miss the fight. Dib would miss the struggle of being beaten down only to rise up when he finally gets some sort of substantial evidence: "I wanna feel it / I bet on losing dogs" he hopes that Zim will come up with something big and bad not because he wants him to win either, but because then Dib has something to fight against. Along with that, the one time Dib actually broke away from paranormal to go along with his father's wishes he was absolutely miserable. He was successful. He made his father happy, he could have made something out of his life but he couldn't; the appeal of Zim and their on-going stalemate was too much to resist-- "I always want you when I'm finally fine / Someone to watch me die" -- Dib is ruining himself by obsessing over the truth and Zim would be going down, right there with him. ahaha, that was a lot wasn't it? It probably didn't make sense either as it's just my personal rambling here, but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and opinions on it all.

[myfinalform-kaz]

I know no one will read this whole thing but I really need to talk about what happened to me and it would mean alot if someone read it so what he did to me would be known

So background story: My brother abused me for 10 years of my life and completely fucked me up. My entire world view was formed by him and he convinced me everyday that I was worthless and ugly and anyone who loved me only pretended to becuase they pitied me and no one in the future could possibly love something as horrible as me. And I believed it every goddamn day and I didn't know any better and I adored my brother cus he was the only one that "really loved" me and he was my big brother and that meant to mean something good and all of my self worth came from the slivers of validation he'd throw out a few times a year. And every time I thought he went to far and I said something I would get an adult saying "Big brother's are suppose to pick on their little siblings, it's how they show their love" and I believed it so I stopped talking about it. I didn't say anything when he bruised me or pushed me off of barn roofs or the two times he tried to kill me. I didn't say anything becuase every one said that all those things just meant that he loved me. The worst he was the more he loved me and this was the kind of love I deserved. I didn't deserve soft gentle love filled with encouragement and kindness, I didn't deserve unconditional, non judge mental love. I was too weak and I needed to toughen up becaus ethe world would never be kind to a disgusting person like me so I need to get use to it. I believed every lie he said becuase I was a child and nobody told me he was lying.

He was why I stopped eating in 8th grade becouse I "obviously needed a diet" then I became addicted to the control it gave me, I craved the hunger I thought I deserved. I lost so much weight and it was the first time he told me he was proud of me. One of my first memories is of when I was six years old and got my first two piece swimsuit. It was bright grean and turquoise and had frills and I was so excited about it and the first thing he said when he saw it was "wow you are really fat" how does an 8 yr old even think to say that? And of course I was chubby I was 6. So him saying he was proud of my weightloss was like a huge weight off my shoulders, I no longer had to be bullied by him about my body. Of course there was always other things wrong about the way I looked or what hobbies I had or what friends I had. I was never enough no matter what I did, but I was enough when I was starving. I had a full blown eating disorder by 10th grade and nobody said anything so I figured I was doing the right thing.

By the end of that year he left for the military and my entire life flipped upside down. The one thing that I clung on too in life left. I was completely alone. He was the only one I could say anything too, of course he always ended up using what I told him against me but I didn't see that at the time. I thought the only person who loved me had left me behind, the only person who truly understood me had a abandoned me. I had my first and worst depressive episode then. It lasted a year and a half, I attempted suicide four times, and started self harming and lost 40lbs. I was a shell of a person. I tried talking to my only friend at the time about it be she never cared (my brother always told me she didn't actually care about me and still talks about how he was right and how stupid I was to think she could possible care about me) this of course only enforced that maybe he was right all along and I was an impossible person to actually care about.

When I was 16 I had gone to a routine doctors appointment and taken a mental health test. I thought I was giving normal answers and downplayed how I really felt, unfortunately my life was so twisted that even what I thought were normal answers were alarming to my doctor. She ended up making me take my clothes off so she could see if I self harmed, I hadnt in a few months but there were still scars of course. I begged her not to tell my mom and she said she wouldn't if I told her before my next appointment, I said I would. She scheduled a few appointments for further testing and then we left. The whole ordeal was traumatic for me and of course I never told my mother hoping that next appointment never came. And it never did. I havent been to a doctor in over 3 years. I was digging through some old medical records a year ago to find my glasses prescription and I found the file for that day. Turns out my parents knew about my self harm the whole time then after the doctor told them I might have anxiety and she wants to do further testing they cancelled all further appointments and never said a word to me. I had to struggle completely alone, I always thought that they would have helped if they had known but they did know and they did nothing. They made me go through so much pain and I have no idea why.

After all that my brother came home for a visit and he was so proud of how thin I was and how well I was doing in school and everything was going so well. Then of course that couldn't last and he turned cruel and insulting and then he left again.

The last time he visted we did so good the first week, I thought he had really changed, he had actually apologized a few times when he said something mean and I was so happy he was trying to be the big brother I had always wanted. Then we were having a pleasant conversation in the car and out of blue he said "you know you will neber find a partner who won't cheat on you becuase youre asexual" and after I was upset he said "It's not my fault you can't handle facts" and of course I believed him.Then my dog died and all he could do was make jokes and mock me for caring. I told my Mom she told me that if I looked hard enough I would see that he actually loved me and all this other stuff was just surface level and didn't matter. And I believed her. But I met an amazing person who became my best friend in the whole world and the only person to ever say "that's not how sibling normally treat each other, he is abusing and manipulating you" and I could never be more grateful for her, she has taught me how to be my own person and recognize my own worth. She has encouraged me and accepted me with all the flaws I have. We have gotten in fights but it's only becuase we love each other and it never ends in screaming or beating and it's always about trying to understand each other better. We talk about triggers and experiences and always try to be mindful of them. I have never met someone that I love more.

The current situation: He is coming back in two days and I have no idea what to do. I thought I was ok becuase for about two weeks I didn't feel bad about him coming. I felt a little off but I couldn't put my finger on why then I read a post about a girl dancing with her brother at his edding and realized that I never had and would never have that kind of relationship with my brother and I had a completely mental break down an hour ago and I realized that I don't feel fine I was just emotionally shutting down and that's why I was feeling off but now I feel everything and I am so fucking scared of him coming. Now that I know what it's like to not be under his control I can't go back even for a couple of days. I can't sit across from on the couch and pretend nothing happened. I can't let him touch me like I'm not disgusted by it. I'm not that strong, I'm not that good of an actor. I am so fucking scared and no one in my family believes me, they thing I'm a bad brother for not talking to him for a few months. I am so scared of what he's going to do or say. I don't know what I'm going to do. I use to dissociate a lot but recently I haven't been and I don't think I can just mentally not exist while he's here. I am so scared that I am making a big deal out of nothing and that maybe he is a good brother and I'm just a bitch. I don't know. I don't know how I will live the rest of my life with him popping in and out to kick me down and remind me how worthless I am. I don't know how I'm going to spand the rest of my life scared of this person I am suppose to love. My parents have made it very clear that me not talking to him dissapoints and hurts them and how much they hate to see me notbe best friends with him. They always act like they support me until it actually gets down to it, then they blame me for never telling them anything even though I have a life time of being told that what was being done to me was normal and I have no idea where the line between sibling teasing a nd abuse is. I have no idea what is normal because I never had normal and nobody told me it wasn't normal till I was 18 yrs old.

I'm so sorry for dropping all this and how long it is but I've never really talked about it before and I am so scared

[robertspatts]

hiii pls write a fluffy af stozier fic pls

The Card- Stanley Uris x Richie Tozier

AN: Wasn’t sure if this was in reference to platonic or romantic stozier but I wrote platonic bc I feel that shit in my soul

I am so bad at writing dialogue so sorry the ending is so messy

I AM SO SORRY THIS ENDED UP WAY MORE ANGSTY THAN FLUFFY I’LL TRY A MORE FLUFFY ONE NEXT TIME

TW: child abuse/neglect, verbal abuse, domestic violence

Word Count: 1.3k

The echoes of screams bounced off the wall in Richie’s bedroom, as his stepdad shoved his mother, for what he could only guess had been the 10th time tonight. She had been drinking again, Richie knew that, he had stopped trying to wake his mother in the mornings to take him to school, knowing that if he did, her eyes would be glassed-over and dismissive, like she wasn’t even there at all. Richie tried to drown out the noise with a ‘The Cure’ record spinning in the background. It was one of the albums Bill had told him to check out, just as he was leaving for his winter trip…

“GET HIM THE FUCK OUT.” His attention was suddenly snapped back to the screaming occurring downstairs. Richie knew all too well what this meant, his mother had yet again blamed him for her drinking, just to keep that cocksucker around. Richie jolted upwards, looking at the drainpipe outside his window wondering if the pain of climbing down it would hurt more or less than his stepdad slapping him across the cheek. Over the past year, Richie had realised that each slap got more painful, each one reminded him that his mother had chosen this bastard over her only son. Richie grabbed his backpack swiftly, stuffed in a few dirty clothes that he had lying on the ground and climbed out the window, just as he heard the sounds of pounding footsteps coming up the stairs.

*********

It wasn’t the first time that Richie had run away from home, but it was the first time he truly felt he had nowhere to go:

Bill was away on holidays. Beverly never let anyone come over. Ben was busy studying for the SAT’s even though they were more than 6 months away. Mike had scored an internship at a museum in Portland. He couldn’t go to Eddie because… he was afraid of what could come out, if he was that emotionally vulnerable in front of Eddie Kaspbrak, his best friend, that was all he was… Richie constantly tried to remind himself of this.

Then there was Stan, the only one of the Losers who noticed the bruises appearing on Richie’s face about a year ago. He pulled him away quietly and told him that his home was always open, if he needed it. Even though Richie played it off as a joke, telling Stan “I don’t wanna come over and fucking worship the Torah with you”, he appreciated Stanley Uris more than he could ever know.

But he couldn’t go there. The last time he did, Richie stupidly was himself and let out an F-bomb in front of Stan’s mother. Stan hurriedly shushed him as his mother beckoned him to the kitchen. Stan spoke in a hushed voice but Andrea Uris’ voice was as clear as day.

“Do I raise you to hang out with people like… him? His mother drinks herself silly and you can’t walk past that house without hearing yelling, no wonder his father left them. I’m just trying to protect you Stanley, I don’t want you hanging around the wrong sort” Andrea sounded disgusted, which Richie completely understood, his family disgusted him just as much. Richie snuck out of the house while Stan was trying to plead his case to his mother, vowing never to visit Stan’s house again, because the thought of causing an uprising in the Uris household was far too much for him to bear.

Richie came to a stop in the middle of an intersection, realising his train of thought had brought him to the street just before Stanley’s. He cursed his subconscious for dragging him to the one place he promised to never go, but he supposed he needed somewhere to stay and maybe it would be okay, because Stan’s parents would be asleep. He could be gone by morning and his presence wouldn’t bring destruction as it did to every other place he went.

He knocked tentatively on Stan’s door, fearing that Stan wouldn’t want to see him either, after the last incident at his house. Stan swung open the door and immediately pulled him into a hug. Richie hadn’t realised that his cheeks were stained with tears, Stan had always been the most observant of each of the Losers emotions. Richie hadn’t been hugged by Stan since they were in preschool, when they had had a fight over the toys in the sandpit and the teacher demanded they mended it by physical contact. The feeling of Stan’s arms around his tiny body (Stan had an incredible growth spurt over the last year, much to the rest of the Losers’ dismay) caused him to completely break down and sob into his best friend’s chest.

“Oh fuck, Richie,” Stan said, his arms tightening around the boy who called himself trashmouth, watching him empty his soul onto his pyjama shirt.  

“I’m sorry,” Richie sniffed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, I’m such a fuck up Stan, nobody wants me, I’m going to go, I’m sorry.”

“Richie there’s no way I’m letting you stay outside in the cold, you better come inside or…” Stan paused, trying to think of a way to coax Richie inside. “…or I’ll get all the Losers here to help me comfort you,” he finished, knowing that Richie would rather die than have the rest of the Losers worry about him.

Stan took Richie inside and brought him up to his room, set up a mattress beside his bed and once Richie was comfortable, sat beside him and gave him the cup of hot cocoa he had just made for himself. He tentatively wrapped his arms around his best friend, not knowing what to say just yet. He wanted to be there for him more than anything, but he had been learning something about triggers in his psychology class, and he was feeling more cautious around Richie than he ever had been.

“Am I a bad person Stan?” Richie asked emotionlessly. “I feel like I’m a bad person. All the bad things that happen to me, they must happen for a reason, they must happen because I’m a terrible person, right?”

Stan felt his heart sink. He always prided himself on being the caring friend, the one who people could turn to when they were feeling down, but with Richie, he felt completely lost for words.

“Rich…” Stan paused. “I’ve looked up to you since we were in preschool, when you stood up to Belch Huggins and told him off for stealing my sandwich. You’ve always been the strongest one out of all of us Losers. You don’t always have to be strong, you know that right?”

Stan got up and grabbed a small card from the corner of his dresser.

‘Dear Stan, Thank u for being my bestest friend in the world. I like u because u make me laugh and even though u r a nerd its ok’

Richie laughed, “God, how old was I when I wrote this shit, it’s terrible.”

Stan smiled, “I think it was just before 2nd grade, anyways, I kept it here in my room because I love being your best friend Rich. You can stay here as long as you want okay, it’ll be like an all year sleepover, we can play video games and shit, everything is going to be okay.”

Richie nodded. “Thanks Stanley, you fucking Jew,” he teased.

Stanley rolled his eyes at his trashmouth friend. “Please go to sleep Richie, you look exhausted.”

Stan hopped into bed and looked down at his sleeping friend below him and he noticed that for the first time in a long time, Richie looked at ease. Stan hoped he had given him a place where he was truly wanted.  

Taglist: @january-emb3rs @denbruhh @toshitophchan @richiietozierr @goshdarndiddlyheck @birdbabestan @httpsalien @ri-chietozier 

[bnhainsert]

A Day in the Life of...

Rating:

General Audiences

No Warnings Apply

I thought we could use more funny content in this category. Here's what the day in the life of each character might look like, only there is something that they are all centered on. A big dumb rumor.

Each chapter will be a different Student in 1-A with some appearances from class 1-B

Chapter 1: Midoriya Izuku

Midoriya had already been awake since 4 in the morning, training his quirk and his muscles. He doubled checked the time and realized he didn’t have much time left to get ready for class. He quickly cleaned himself off and put on his uniform. Ready for the day, he started on his short walk to class from the dorms.

         Midoriya opened the door to only see about 5 of his classmates. There was Iida of course who was on his way back to the classroom door to make sure all of his classmates made it on time. Such is the job of a class rep. There was Sero who was already in his seat looking over some notes. Not someone he would have expected. Tsu was also at her desk waiting for the day to begin. Momo was seated next to Tsu discussing the notes from yesterday. Midoriya figured she would move back to her seat by the time class begins. Then, of course, Bakugo was in his seat, leaning back with the front legs of the chair up off of the floor.

         Midoriya walked up to Tsu’s desk and greeted her. “Good morning Asu-Tsu” He corrected himself.

“Good morning Midoriya, gero” Tsu replied.

The two started chatting about yesterday’s class and what they were going to be learning today. Other students began to trickle in with Iida greeting each of them as they walked in. Iida asked them to quickly take their seats. Of course, most of them were too tired this early in the morning to have much energy to do much else. Kaminari looked like he was going to pass out straight onto his desk.

         Aizawa stood up suddenly from behind the desk in his signature sleeping bag. He spoke about the use of the school’s training grounds and other policies that had changed recently. He then took his leave as Present Mic arrived.

“GOOD MORNING CLASS 1-A! LET’S GET READY TO CONJUGATE SOME VERBS!” Present mic yelled into the room. Kaminari shot up at his desk and then immediately groaned. Most of the class snickered. Midoriya just tried to focus considering English wasn’t necessarily his strong suit. He wasn’t bad at it by any means, he just didn’t excel at it like other students did.

         Soon after class and a little bit of hero training, they were dismissed to go to lunch. Midoriya met up with Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki so they could eat lunch together.

“Why does English have to be so hard?” Uraraka sighed grabbing her tray and sitting down at their usual table.

“Would you like some help with today's homework?” Iida offered.

“Oh, would you mind helping me too?” Midoriya asked. Todoroki nodded in agreement, wanting to join their impromptu study session. The 4 of them got to work as they ate their food.

         It seemed like lunch had gone by way too fast. It was as if Midoriya got 5 minutes of helpful advice from Iida before they had to return back to the classroom. Midoriya sighed but kept an optimistic outlook on the day. He wanted to be the best he could be and that required extra work and a good attitude.

         As Midoriya and his friends returned, the others who were already in the classroom seemed to be buzzing about something.

“What’s going on here?” Iida scolded.

“Oh, I just heard this rumor that a second-year dated everyone in the hero course the year before we got here! That would include the current third years!” Mina gossiped excitedly.

“What? That’s ridiculous! There is no way that rumor is true” Iida shot back.

“I don’t know I think it’s possible! Plus, I heard they were scoping out our class!” Mina countered.

         As if summoned, Mineta shot up and was instantly right beside Mina.

“Girl or boy! This is a life or death situation and I need to know now! Was it a girl or a boy!” Mineta desperately asked.

“Hmm I don’t know if their gender was stated in the rumor, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who gets asked out first!” Mina told him. Mineta slumped back into his seat.

         It’s true this rumor did sound ridiculous, but weirder things have happened, right? Midoriya started thinking about how this would have happened when he stumbled back into the phrase ‘Scoping out our class’. He froze and turned completely red.

“What's the matter Deku? Are you worried you might get asked out?” Uraraka teased.

Midoriya shielded his face. “No w-way! A-a-absolutely not!” He replied frantically. The thought did embarrass him, but there was no way someone from a class above him would specifically seek him out. Hell, he didn’t even think that someone in his own class would be smitten with him. It didn’t bother him. He just didn’t think anyone would spend their time dating because they were all so focused on their hero work.

         “If it’s true then that student is clearly pathetic, having to shuffle through a bunch of other students” Bakugo spoke up, looking out the window with a disgusted look on his face.

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind dating someone from a class above us. Even if it was for just one week” Kaminari threw out.

“Well yeah but you don’t have any standards” Jiro said without missing a beat.

         “Enough gossiping. It’s time for class” Cementoss scolded walking into their classroom. Everyone took their seats again, but Midoriya was having trouble concentrating. The thought that someone could be looking for him for a relationship really put his brain through a loop. Cementoss had to call his name to snap him out of it at least twice.

         Midoriya figured he would take matters into his own hands to either confirm or refute this strange rumor. He waited until after school to try and talk to some second years on their way back to the dorms. As he was looking around for someone to ask questions, he felt a pair of eyes on him. He quickly turned around ready to confront whoever was watching. There was nobody there. He tensed up and tried to shake off this paranoid feeling.

He spotted a second year in the courtyard and tried to approach them when he thought he heard someone else call his name from behind. He turned around again, but no one was there. He wasn’t going crazy, was he? He started to sweat. The second-year student that he saw was gone. He missed his opportunity to ask about this weird rumor. Plus, he was being followed by someone. What if it was the person the rumor was about? What if they were here to ask him out? How do you reject someone politely? Midoriya was freaking out. His signature mumbles could be heard by other people passing in the courtyard.

Before he could really get any of his thoughts together, he felt someone tap on his shoulder and he nearly jumped out of his school uniform. He slowly turned around, accepting his fate. He looked and saw it was Uraraka. “You’re not the second year asking people out,” Midoriya said still surprised. Uraraka laughed at Midoriya’s reaction.

“I just thought it would be funny to mess with you” She admitted.

“You almost gave me a heart attack!” Midoriya replied. Uraraka laughed again.

“Sorry Deku” She apologized smiling sincerely.

Well, at least he didn’t have to worry about being confessed to at that moment in time. He wondered if they would ever find out about the rumor.

The next day, Midoriya was running a little late. He made it just in time.

“You were almost late! Try leaving a little earlier next time” Iida recommended.

The class was still talking excitedly about the rumor trying to guess who the rumor was about. It made Midoriya promptly put his head down on his desk. He would have to survive another day of maybe possibly being confessed to. He wasn’t sure if he could handle that kind of pressure today.

By lunchtime, class 1-A had calmed down enough to where the rumor left most everyone’s minds. Midoriya got to enjoy lunch with his friends without worry.

Midoriya and his friends made it back to class. Now the class was exploding with energy. What had happened? Bakugo looked like he was going to murder someone, which admittedly wasn’t different from most days. This was different though because his anger wasn’t really directed at anyone in the class.

“Oh, dude! That’s gotta be from the 2nd year!” Kirishima shouted surprised.

“THERE’S NO WAY SOME DUMB LOSER IN ANOTHER CLASS GAVE ME THIS SAD EXCUSE FOR A LETTER” Bakugo yelled almost blowing up the desks around him.

“Oh god” Midoriya thought. Does this mean the rumor is true? If it is, can Midoriya take it easy because Bakugo had gotten the letter? Nobody could really put anything else together because Cementoss walked in again scolding the students.

Midoriya finally made it through the day without being contacted by any second-year student. He made his way to his locker to get his backpack when he spotted it. There was a letter. He swallowed hard, too scared to even open the letter.

“What’s wrong Midoriya?” Iida asked.

Then his friends spotted the letter. Todoroki, Iida, and Uraraka looked shocked. They all stood frozen in front of Midoriya’s locker. Bakugo was passing by and caught sight of the 4 students just standing there.

“What the hell are you losers doing?” He growled.

Midoriya managed to work up the courage to pull the letter out of his locker. He looked to the letter then to Bakugo who looked like he was going to explode on the spot. Midoriya yelped and ran out of the building as fast as he could.

         Iida was calling for Midoriya to slow down but Midoriya didn’t really notice in his panic. He looked down at the letter in his hands. His hands were shaking, but he took a deep breath and opened the letter. It Read:

Dear Midoriya,

I have watched you ever since the sports festival. You are truly incredible, even though you break yourself sometimes. I’ve watched you for a while now and my heart sores every time I see you. The very mention of your name sends shivers down my spine. I think I love you! Please meet me in the courtyard tomorrow after school! If you don’t show up, I’ll just assume that you don’t feel the same way and I’ll cry. I hope to see you soon!

XoXo

There was no signature. No hint of really who it could’ve been. “What am I going to do” Midoriya hung his head in defeat. If he showed up the person would get the wrong idea. If he didn’t show up, the person would be heartbroken. He went over and over the dilemma in his head. How would a hero handle this situation?

The next day, after losing a lot of sleep, he decided he would show up but explain the situation and his feelings. They might cry, but at least they would get an answer and not wonder for the rest of their life. Midoriya was pretty shaken up for the rest of the day.

Before the last class of the day, 1-A was talking about the two letters given out to their class. They asked if they purposefully picked the two strongest boys in the class. They also wondered if it was a girl who did it, considering both Bakugo and Midoriya were male.

“I don’t think that means anything. This person could be gay, or bi, or pan….” Mina mentioned.

“Plus, this person could be non-binary or genderfluid or something” Jiro brought up.

There really wasn’t any reason to speculate about this person’s gender or sexual orientation.

“So you guys still think this mystery person exists?” Momo asked.

“What do you mean? They clearly exist because they’ve been writing letters” Kaminari replied.

“You guys could use some brushing up on your detective skills. This was a test from the teachers to see if you could question strange incidents instead of taking everything at face value” Momo explained.

“WHAT?! YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” the whole class seemed to shout at the same time.

Midoriya felt a weight lift off of his shoulders. Then he realized that if this was a test he would’ve failed. “Wait was this like a test test….like one we could fail?” Midoriya asked pale as a sheet.

“Oh no. I think this was just to assess where we all are currently as far as problem-solving goes” Momo replied.

Midoriya sighed again. He did realize that he could’ve done a little more research on this so-called rumor. He had a long way to go to grab the titled of Number One Hero.

Chapter 2

[vegalocity]

So my Gurl Kristi’s (@a-very-bizzare-girl​) Birthday is today, and for a present, she asked for Dipper and Mabel being cute, but when I asked to clarify, she insisted that anything that wasn’t too soul ripping would work.I hope i didn’t violate that simple guideline but since nobody died I think I’m good ^^;

Waddles huffed into his hair, a sensation that Dipper wasn't exactly used to, so naturally, his eyes snapped open and his heart leaped into his throat. Waddles reeled back and squealed, he stumbled back, his head no longer making an indent onto Dipper's bed as he accidentally rammed himself into the door.

Dipper sighed and sat up, Waddles was clearly on a warpath, and he didn't want to get pummeled by a hundred-pound pig if he ignored him.

“Alright, I'm up, I'm up.” he slid out of bed, his bare feet hitting the cold wood floor. An uncomfortable shudder climbed up his spine as Waddles snorted decisively and stumbled out of the room. The cold from the night air made goosebumps crawl up his arms, and kicked his brain into gear.

Something that felt like a rock dropped into his gut as he stiffly followed behind Waddles.

He ignored Mabel's room and turned down the hallway, in the direction of stairs.

Waddles didn't come to him unless Mabel was in trouble. In a trouble that needed a human, more specifically, a trouble that requires Dipper's attention.

It was how he'd caught her before... well... before a lot of bad things had happened.

He prepared himself for the worst, fists clenched and ready, whether he was fighting off Mabel's latest Ex revealed to be something supernatural and awful...again, or fighting Mabel herself and prying something dangerous out of her hands before she.... did something.

He'd never forget the smell of her blood in the downstairs bathroom.

He already was feeling a bit sick just thinking about it.

Waddles huffed as Dipper jumped the last three stairs, landing flat onto the ground and barely keeping himself from tipping over. He'd built up some muscle over the years sure, but there wasn't much to be said about his balance. He was just as awkward as ever, just now with pimples and more BO.

He wanted to shout for Mabel, to confirm his fears, or at the least to deny the worst of them and realizing he'd have to fight off another secretly supernatural ex, but he couldn't speak. He took a breath, but he couldn't force his voice to work.

Scared mute, hah, Wendy would have a field day if she saw him right now.

Waddles squealed again and darted through the living room, heading straight for the kitchen.

The kitchen, not the bathroom.

The kitchen; full of poisonous cleaning fluids and sharp knives.

“Mabel?” he finally choked out, stopping in his tracks right before the threshold. He could see the dining room out of the corner of his eye, and the light from the kitchen illuminated everything in a dim glow.

If he took another few steps he'd be able to see the inside of the kitchen, He couldn't smell bleach or windex in the air, nor could he smell blood, but he couldn't really smell anything right now, his nose was pretty much completely stuffed up from allergies.

He took a deep breath and ran the last few steps, turning the corner to step into the kitchen.

And there she was.

Her hair, dyed a bright pink and kept in the tasteful undercut from her 'goth' period, splayed out around her, red, cherry flavored sauce surrounded her on the ground and flour exploded in every direction.

Waddles was sniffling into her stomach, and her gaze was locked determinedly on the ceiling, lips pinched into a pout.

A couple of feelings ran through his body. Confusion at what could have happened, Shock that Waddles considered midnight cupcake failure an emergency,  but the relief that coursed through his body at finding her amongst cherry syrup instead of her own blood lead to him lowering himself to his knees beside her.

“Hey Mabel.” She only glanced at him for a moment before scowling and returning her sight to the ceiling.

Dipper laughed and offered her his hand. She huffed and folded her arms, turning on her side to face away from him.

“You know, Waddles woke me up to come get you.” She stayed silent, Waddles laid down infront of her, and she only hesitated for a moment before scratching behind his ear.

“So what happened here? It looks like that time you and Grunkle Ford tried to flash bake cookies with dynamite.” Mabel curled into herself a little more at that. Dipper frowned, seems like that was the trigger tonight.

“You know, I know Candy said that stress baking was a constructive way to deal with things, but if you're getting even more stressed out when things go wrong maybe we could find something dif—”

She cut him off with a distressed sounding hum. Dipper sighed and prepared himself for this.

Mabel was light, while Dipper had gotten the stout, stocky build of the Pines men, it seemed like Mabel had inherited the tall lanky body that their mother would boast.

“Okay then, I'm gonna get those cupcakes started, and I want you to clean up while I'm doing that okay?” He lifted her princess style, the only way Mabel would accept when she got like this, since it would let her stay curled around herself. She hummed, but didn't protest when he carried her out of the kitchen and headed toward the bathroom, Waddles dutifully trotting behind them.

She eyed him warily when he set her upon the toilet, but he didn't bother to offer explanation as he grabbed one of the hand towels and wet it down for her.

Waddles poked his head into the bathroom door, and Dipper looked the swine in the eye before speaking.

“Keep her in here until she's cleaned up.” Waddles stared blankly at him, but he knew he listened. Waddles became a lot smarter after his stint as a giant pig in Mabeland, even if he couldn't communicate back, he could understand.

Mabel didn't go nonverbal very often, but when she did Waddles had to be present, and whatever it was that messed her up had to be taken care of.

In this case, Cupcakes.

But first he had to clean up the kitchen, or Mom will have a cow in the morning.

He was nowhere near as good of a baker as Mabel is, but he could follow a recipe to a T, so that was what he did.

Neither of them had been taking teenager-hood very well, they'd left gravity falls when they were thirteen thinking that they'd put everything off, and keep trucking on. But... That hadn't been as accurate as the two of them had hoped.

He was a mess at first, he couldn't even think about the things that had happened in those three days of weird hell before he'd ran into Wendy and they'd gone to find Mabel.

At first, Mabel had been the okay one, instead of the other way around. She'd take his hand as he shook and reminded him of what had happened. That all that was left of Bill was a statue in the forest. That Grunkle Ford had run a million tests on Grunkle Stan and confirmed that Bill's presence was gone for good. He wasn't coming back.

She'd held him when the nightmares woke him up, Called their Great Uncles and chatted idly with Stan about everything and anything while he got his voice to stop trembling.

She'd punched more bullies than he could count long before they'd ever heard of Gravity Falls, but in their 8th grade year the assholes of Piedmont Junior High learned to truly fear the name Pines.

But something happened, around the time they turned fifteen. Something... he couldn't quite describe. Mabel's goth phase had been in jest, but it seemed like she'd used it to express something she didn't have the words for just yet.

And then he'd found her in the bathroom, and they found the words together.

Their parents didn't know, if they'd found out they'd insist that she needed therapy, and she couldn't talk honestly to a therapist without being considered delusional.

So Grunkle Ford had become a stand in for it, one of his PhD's is in psychology after all. And when he was unavailable for whatever adventuring mission, Candy was a suitable replacement.

There were bad days of course, like tonight, and thankfully, Waddles was in tune enough with Mabel to detect them, and had the good pig sense to get him.

The best results would be to get her talking after She'd cleaned herself up, to let her vent and not stop her even if she started talking crazy. When she got like this she'd start blaming herself for everything that went wrong ever. Everything from that time he'd gotten pantsed in the 2nd grade all the way to somehow causing Wierdmageddon singlehandedly. The worst part is, whenever he told her she was wrong she'd get quiet again, and then refuse to talk until she'd slept a bit.

So now, no matter how painfully incorrect she was, he wouldn't stop her. Wouldn't say a word until she was ready for him to talk.

The cherry filled cupcakes were put into the oven and Dipper sighed before washing himself of the flour he'd gotten onto his hands and pajamas.

The soft padding of bare feet against the wood was all he'd gotten as a warning until he felt his sister's long arms close around his stomach, hugging him from behind.

“Feel better?”

“Mmmh...” She grumbled, chin resting on his shoulder.

“You wanna talk about it?” She grumbled in response.

“It's stupid.” He tried his hands off and swatted her with the hand towel.

“Your feelings aren't stupid.”

She pulled away and hopped up onto the counter.

“I don't wanna deal with it just yet.” He nodded and leaned up beside her.

“Okay. So when we frost the cupcakes.”

“There was still enough sauce to make them cherry filled?”

“I had to water it down a bit, but yeah.”

And that's where they were, chatting about idle things, pretending that it wasn't three in the morning, pretending that Mabel hadn't gotten disturbingly close to hurting herself over what she'd thought was ruined cupcakes just an hour ago.

It wasn't anything close to perfect, it wasn't even good really.

But it was the best they had short of moving to Gravity Falls and finding a therapist that she could speak honestly with.

And for all the holes in their plan, it works for them.

Mabel ranted well into the early morning around pink cupcakes and red frosting.

[foolsonice]

Phosphenes

written for @pliroyweek  2017 - Day 2, Confidence

Fandom: Yuri!!! on Ice Relationship: Yuri Plisetsky/Jean-Jacques Leroy Characters: Yuri Plisetsky, Jean-Jacques Leroy Wordcount: 5957 Rating: Teen and Up Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Accidental Kissing, Kissing, First Kiss, a story featuring:, attentive JJ, and, Confused Yuri

After the disaster of Vancouver Olympics, Yuri finds comfort in the arms of the one he proclaims to hate most.

Phosphenes (n.) The stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes

[continue reading on AO3]

 “And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.  (R. Dahl)

*

The shooting star which had risen high across the skating horizon last year came crashing down on earth with full force.

Cup of China: 4th place

NHK Trophy: 5th place

Vancouver Olympics: 6th place after the short program.

Could it get any worse?

 *

Yuri had to run, had to get away from the cheering crowds that weren’t cheering for him after ruining his free skate program with three falls in a row. If he could save the 6th place he’d be lucky; he didn’t think he could. Reporters surrounded him, cameras fired their flashes in his direction and somewhere he heard Yuri’s Angels crying. In one ear rang Lilia’s voice, in the other it was Yakov. He had to get away from them; from those idiots flirting with each other at the rink, too; from JJ who performed better than ever in his home country. With the first opportunity presenting itself, Yuri disappeared, ignoring the furious shouts trailing after him.

The ranking after the short program was:

1st- Jean-Jacques Leroy

2nd - Victor Nikiforov

3rd - Yuri Katsuki

If that was the final ranking after the free skate, Yuri didn’t know, and cared less.  

 *

The underground of Vancouver’s ice-dome was endless – a massive labyrinth of hallways with doors leading just to another hallway, with even more doors. Yuri ran into the opposite direction to where the dressing room assigned to the Russian athletes was located, winding his way far into the heart of the maze. As he ran, the voices and shouts became distant, nothing more than surreal flitters of murmur, until they subsided completely. All around him was eerily silent, but not in a good way. Yuri was so angry with himself that his ears were ringing, so disappointed that he was almost dizzy with it, leaning against the wall of the corridor to take a few breaths, before he continued to run.

Yuri tried the first door he came across – locked. The next one – too. It was the third which yielded to Yuri’s hand. There were lockers inside the room, a mirror, and a couple of stupid Canadian flags. Perhaps it should have startled him and let him overthink his choices but it didn’t. How so, when every spot in this god-damn country seemed to be decorated with red maple leaves on white ground these days. It was normal. And for that simple fact he hated it. All the more as the fucking maple leaf reminded him of JJ all the fucking time.

He sat down on the floor, as far away from the door as possible, his knees tucked under his chin, with the tiger plushy pressed tightly against his chest. Not even that one could offer any comfort today; tears streamed down his face no matter how often he tried to wipe them away with the end of his sleeves they kept coming; kept coming still when he contently rocked his body back and forth. Yuri still wore his skating costume, with the jumper of the Russian team over it, both not really warm. If he was trembling from the cold or if the sobs shook his body, Yuri couldn’t tell nor could he bring himself to care. He didn’t fight the tremors that shook him, either, having learned the hard way that fighting them only made it worse. He glowered at the door, fingers curled childlike into fists as frustrated tears streamed down his cheeks.

Sobs easily turned into helpless cries as time became an endless blur around him, spent in contemplation about his problems; they were countless, ranging from growing too fast, to overwhelming anxiety attacks which left him restless for days to see love all around him when he was so terribly lonely. In this moment, Yuri felt like dying, having not a glimpse of strength or inspiration left.

 *

Minutes had easily blended into half an hour without Yuri even bothering to control his emotions, something with which he had always struggled, although usually it were different emotions entirely: angry and rude, often outright hurtful towards those he loved to insult. The cheerful humming in the corridor went completely unnoticed by Yuri, drowned out by those heartbreaking sobs of helpless misery. Not a moment later, the door to the room where he was hiding flew open, and JJ burst through it with his fucking smile on his fucking face.

Gold, thought Yuri, before shouting at him with his tear-stricken voice. “Get out you asshole!”

Of all people, JJ – smiling, humming, good-humored JJ was the one he least wished to deal with right now. Phichit would leave him be after a while, so probably would Chris. About Victor he wasn’t so certain. Well, for JJ – needless to say, JJ didn’t leave him be. Instead JJ closed the door behind him, locking it from inside.

“Yura,” he said, trying to add something, which drowned in Yuri’s furious yells

“Get out!” Yuri shrieked, then glowered in JJ’s direction, throwing the tiger plushy he had been holding onto all the while right into JJ’s face. “Get the fuck out!”

JJ tried to catch Yuri’s gaze but Yuri refused to meet his eyes, looking away as soon as he noticed. Instead he buried his face in his hands again. To have his worst enemy witness his mental breakdown, JJ seeing him like this in all the helpless misery just made everything worse for Yuri: to admit that much – well, no, basically all of it: the Russian tiger image, being strong, fear- and reckless, was a carefully woven façade to protect the kitten he truly was proved yet another tremor, which shook Yuri’s body.

JJ didn’t move an inch, only bending down to lift the tiger up from the floor. “You may not have noticed it, Plisetsky, but you ended up in my changing room.”

Fuck! Yuri didn’t say that, contemplating his bad luck. Whatever could go wrong, actually did go wrong today.

JJ took advantage of Yuri’s momentary distraction and stepped forward, stopping right in front of him, shuffling his feet in a way Yuri had not seen him doing it, before he gave Yuri a smile and offered the plushy back.

Yuri looked startled at him, then glaring, snatching the tiger out of JJ’s hand, pressing it towards his chest where it had been before. “Get your stuff and leave me be!”

For a second there was silence, on both sides, each of them looking startled at the other in surprising insecurity. “Nobody should be alone in such a state,” JJ finally said, squatting down in front of Yuri so that they were on eye level. There was some truth in JJ’s words, Yuri figured, but didn’t say it. Agreeing to something JJ said was – still – simply beyond the imaginable, no matter how true it might be. Yet still, the sincerity in JJ’s word struck him almost physically. What game was JJ playing, he kept wondering, and more importantly: why did he play it? Was one victory for the night not enough?

“Remember last year, Yuri?” JJ asked rhetorically, shifting his body awkwardly until he was able to sit down beside Yuri, his back leaning against the row of lockers. Gods, he was so persistently annoying, Yuri thought, edging away from the arm, which touched his own. “When I performed so badly in both of my programs when it mattered most? If it hadn’t been for all those who still supported me afterwards, I wouldn’t be where I am now – again.”

“I’m not you,” Yuri sneered derisively, feeling envious. JJ had friends, had a loving family who always supported him, has had a wonderful fiancé at that time. Basically just everything Yuri lacked in his life, all he dreamt of during those lonely nights.

“This doesn’t mean you don’t need it,” stated JJ, placing his arm casually on Yuri’s shoulders in a way Yuri never would – or could. He envied that, too, wondering how JJ could be so quick, so casual in his touches, giving affection even to those that did not matter to him.

Yuri had always been desperate for attention, having it rubbed right into his face by JJ however was completely unnecessary. “You can’t be serious,” Yuri snapped in the process of forcing out yet another hidden insult, face grimacing just to keep pretending to be somebody he was not, now less than ever. “Your arrogance is even worse than I assumed when you truly think you’re the one to comfort me.” The words showed little effect as JJ’s arm remained exactly where it was, offering the comfort Yuri craved so badly without ever admitting it to anyone, least alone JJ.

JJ sighed, head bumping against the locker. “I could at least try?” he offered, strangely calm and not sounding arrogant at all so that Yuri was briefly tempted to turn his head to catch a glimpse of his face. He didn’t. “Who else is here?” JJ asked, rather to himself. “Victor? He probably has not even noticed that you are missing.”

Most obviously not, Yuri had to agree slightly hurt, with Victor having eyes only for that damn Katsudon. He knew it, had always hated it; hearing it from JJ only hurt all the more.

JJ went on. “Yakov?”

Yakov probably was missing Yuri, but Yuri was in no mood to deal with Yakov. Not today, tomorrow probably not either. “Hell no!” Yuri snapped, glaring into the emptiness of the room.

“See? Your options are limited, Plisetsky.”

For the first time, Yuri turned his head, looking at JJ’s face in bewilderment from under tear-stained lashes. “Don’t call me that,” Yuri said barely audible, shifting a few inches away from JJ, so that JJ arm slipped off Yuri’s shoulders.

JJ immediately moved after him. “Yura? Yuri? What would you prefer?” He sounded strangely sincere.

It was the first time they were talking with each other, like really talking with each other, Yuri thought, not throwing insults and teasing remarks at each other’s heads just to win the competition of this year’s greatest asshole.

“Both is okay,” Yuri sobbed, wiping the dampness from his face, nevertheless surprised how he had managed to choke out a word at all.

“It’s not only the ranking that bothers you,” JJ observed, and there was nothing Yuri could argue against that, because it was so painfully true that fresh tears ran down his cheeks again. His shoulders began to shake, guilt and misery shadowing his eye until JJ reached out again, carefully and with a good amount of hesitation as if he tried to touch a frightened dog.

Yuri nodded, allowing the strange yet comforting touch this time, too weak to fight the touch; too exhausted to pretend to be the greatest asshole alive; too tired to struggle against what felt wrong yet so incredibly right at the same time. Talking did help, Yuri had to agree, even if right now it meant talking to JJ.

What had he to lose, after having lost everything that was dear to him – and so much more tonight already?

Not much.

After that painful realization Yuri confessed everything, the words spilling from his tear swollen lips like a waterfall restrained by artificial walls way too long. He told JJ about not being able to sleep anymore, suffering from anxiety attacks late at night, that he had dreamt of all the failures, even of those which had not yet happened. “It is place eight, isn’t it?” he mumbled some when in between, never having heard of the final ranking down here. Unashamed he continued to speak about the problems he had with Katsuki and Victor being that special, gross way in front of him, told him how much he hated the world itself, about pain, and loss, and heart-break, his fingers twisting with the cords of JJ’s hoodie back and forth all the while he spoke. For the sake of completeness he didn’t even leave the struggle with his own sexuality out; being an underage minor, a famous underage minor who was openly gay was out of question in Russia. He wasn’t even entirely convinced if he was gay, or rather bisexual, or pansexual, and figured it actually did not quite matter. Not for himself at least. JJ, who was openly bisexual, agreed. By the time Yuri was done, he was a quivering mess in JJ’s embrace, streaks of tears staining JJ’s sweater.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri mumbled, observing the mess he had created.

“Sometimes we all need to remind ourselves that we are humans,” JJ answered, pulling Yuri close.

Realizing that JJ’s arm now somehow rested around his waist, Yuri tensed out of reflex. He hated people touching him. “Hush,” JJ said softly as if he was speaking to a frightened animal, interpreting Yuri’s thoughts correctly. Instead of letting go, he tightened the hold he had on Yuri with one arm, whilst he wiped the tears away with his other hand, using the sleeve of his jumper. “It’s fine. We all have these moments.”

Yuri doubted that Victor ever had these moments, doubted that Chris had them too, kept wondering all the more that JJ openly admitted to him that he had them occasionally. JJ, with all his breathtaking confidence, a mess plagued by anxiety? It was hard to imagine. Well, if Yuri was honest he truly had no idea who JJ was outside the rink, having never even bothered to talk to him when they met on some event after the competitions. All the years it had been a mutual agreement between them both.

Tentatively, JJ reached out. “May I?” he inquired, his voice sounding strangely insecure. His fingertips brushed against Yuri’s back, touching him in a way that made him shiver.

‘Damn it, why did something so wrong feel so incredibly right?’ Yuri asked himself, then glared at JJ. He simply had to, even if it did not quite match how he felt just before he nodded, lowering his eyes; JJ wasn’t going to eat him alive, he kept telling himself, nor was he playing with him, and that realization came as a surprise.  

Yuri didn’t speak after that, neither did JJ. Perhaps JJ spoke, but not with words. Yet another surprise for Yuri:  he hadn’t thought JJ was capable of shutting up for even a minute. Apparently he was.

JJ’s fingers trailed along Yuri’s spine, up and down, drawing straight lines or circling motions until Yuri began to relax visibly to the touch. What JJ did made him think of was his grandfather, thousands of miles away,  who never grew tired to hold him just for comfort, touched him in just the same way as JJ did right now. Yuri sniffed, memories mingling with the present, making everything worse. Fuck, what he would give to have his grandpa around now. The tremor came with no warning, shaking him to the core despite the soothing motions of JJ’s hand. He loved his grandfather, had always loved and cherished him, and damn it, he terribly missed him. In fact, Yuri always missed him, yet now more than ever. Unsurprisingly, JJ stopped, questioningly looking at Yuri with his impressive eyes – a dark blue, appearing to be almost black from the weird angle Yuri looked back at him, holding his gaze. Tiny streaks of silver disrupted the monotony, just as the silver streams of moonlight pierce through the starless night. They were beautiful, Yuri realized, and with that his own eyes grew wide.

“I’m sorry,” JJ mumbled, “do you wish me to stop?”

Yuri blinked in confusion, mostly because of his own weird thoughts, then glanced at JJ again just before he shook his head, face glowing red from embarrassment. He didn’t want JJ to stop; saying so was close to the impossible, and therefore Yuri was grateful that his gesture was encouragement enough for JJ to continue.

Regaining control of himself after tonight’s disaster was hard for Yuri. It took a good while, and he was convinced his sobs would have never ceased without JJ being around, without being comforted by the soothing touches and the warmth emanating from JJ’s body.

As odd as it might be, and as much as he hated to admit it, for once JJ’s voice did exactly the contrary to what it usually did – it didn’t spark an argument, no, it didn’t make him hiss like an angered cat. Instead it soothed Yuri, bone-deep and persistently, although he did not understand a single word of what JJ said. JJ talked in his strongly accented French to him, susurrating whispers against the crown of his head, strangely beautiful. It lured Yuri’s mind into a world of peace. Maybe it was for the better he did not understand it, because usually only nonsense came out of JJ’s mouth, or subtle insults. Yuri had to keep telling that to himself each time the gentle touches felt too intense, just to keep his pretense alive. There had not been an insult, not a single one this day, and Yuri knew he perhaps should revise his opinion on JJ.

Holding his breath, trying not to let JJ hear how fast his heart was beating, Yuri feigned disinterest, although his thoughts swirled in his mind like snowflakes through the frosty night. But he did not move, nor did he flinch, not even when JJ’s fingers flattened and ran over his golden hair, down his ears and neck, withdrawing only to repeat what he was doing. It felt good, it felt incredibly good, so good that Yuri’s eyes closed in the process of it.

Eventually, Yuri’s sobs trailed away to normal crying against JJ’s shoulder, and even that ceased and he fell completely silent. Until then, he had not realized how cold he was, fingers already stiff, being so occupied to fight his internal misery and his conflicting thoughts. It was cold in the room, no wonder he was freezing, basically wearing nothing.

“You’re shivering,” commented JJ, leaning away from the lockers to free himself from the zipped hoodie he was wearing, blood red with an ugly white maple leaf stitched on it right over JJ’s heart. A moment later, the hoodie was placed around Yuri’s shoulders, with JJ’s scarf around Yuri’s neck to follow. Why he let it happen, Yuri couldn’t say, mesmerized to discover yet another new side of JJ, burying his nose deep in the fabric of the scarf, letting go of the breath he was holding all the while.

Why he even allowed JJ to move his body until he was sitting on JJ’s thighs, Yuri could not explain, either, but with ease JJ repositioned him. “All the hoodies will not help if the floor is cold,” commented JJ absently, focusing to shift Yuri’s lithe body in his lap until both seemed comfortable with the position.

“True,” Yuri muttered, half glaring at JJ for moments, unsure about what else to do, before he decided to settle against JJ shoulder again. It had felt okay-ish; with okay-ish being Yuri’s way of saying he liked it. Not that he would ever say so aloud. No. When he stopped to wriggle his body until he was comfortable enough, JJ’s hands resumed what they did earlier.

Yuri hated what JJ did, truly.

No – not really. He wasn’t good at lying.

That it felt good Yuri hated all the more, he thought to himself.

He wasn’t good at thinking, either: not when such conflicting thoughts made his head spin like a Ferris wheel, with bursts of colors dancing across his closed lids as Auroras dance across the northern sky as JJ kissed the crown of his head.

A day ago Yuri wished to wrap his hands around JJ’s throat and watch the life drain out of his eyes.

And now? Rather not.

Yuri felt conflicted. It was so weird, and Yuri knew it was weird, but he just couldn’t help it?

It somehow felt unnatural to pretend to be unmoved by such kindness, even if it meant to acknowledge the fact that it was JJ’s.

He sighed, burying his face deeper in JJ’s shoulder, his nose still hidden in the scarf which smelled so intensely of JJ’s perfume, pretending that his left arm wasn’t resting on JJ’s back. Admitting it would mean to move it, and so Yuri didn’t. Actually neither of them moved for long moments, until Yuri’s occasional sobs turned into rare hiccups as he relaxed under JJ’s hand, which persistently stroked his golden curls.

With a sonorous sigh of exhaustion, Yuri closed his eyes again. Everything JJ did was for pure comfort he kept telling himself, kept telling even as his free arm sneaked around JJ’s waist to complete the perfect embrace. For once, JJ had the dignity to remain silent, although Yuri would give everything to be able to read JJ’s thoughts right then.

Instead of speaking, JJ returned to place kisses to Yuri’s head just as he had done before, with the little difference that now his lips began to wander; from the crown of Yuri’s head towards the side, close to his ear, way too close to his ear.

For comfort.

The way JJ breathed, soft and comforting, completely at ease with everything he did, warm air hushing along his skin made Yuri shiver; the way JJ spoke to him in those words Yuri didn’t understand but came to love nevertheless; the way his fingers wiped another stray tear from his burning cheek.

For comfort, because I’m freezing, because I am an emotional mess.

“Why?” The word was out before Yuri knew it, and in the process of being awe-struck of having found his voice back somehow, he looked up just in the moment as JJ decided to move his face down. Their mouths, both half opened in surprise, brushed together for a split second, noses nudging due to the awkward angle – and then the moment was gone, leaving Yuri’s mind flying in a way he had never felt before.

The contact had not lasted more than a split second, a quick and awkward press of mouths, entirely accidently that is. Still Yuri felt the taste of JJ’s lips linger, recalled the dampness he had felt.

They stared at each other in bewilderment, equally flustered, with eyes wide and mouths hanging open, both being at a loss of what to say.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” JJ said at last, watching Yuri closely.

It appeared to Yuri as if JJ tried to decipher the look on his face, hoping he didn’t manage with all that was dear to him. Yuri, arms still tangled around JJ’s body even tried to don his most annoying face. For nothing, as he soon found out.

JJ quirked an eye-brow at him, and Yuri saw how JJ’s face transformed. “Oh good lord. Boy, you liked that.” JJ sounded genuinely surprised, smiling a smile that was so unlike everything Yuri had ever seen on JJ’s face. It was neither arrogant nor cocky, it was honest – and incredibly beautiful.

“No,” Yuri stated out of reflex even if he didn’t feel like it, the words emanating his lie. He was deduced easily, he knew, as JJ’s smile only grew. Embarrassment crept up Yuri’s head; he had to look away.

Unfortunately, the vagueness of his answer only seemed to spark further interest on JJ’s side. “Want me to do it again?” JJ asked in that voice that was so typical for him, fingers sweeping across Yuri’s burning cheek, before they came below Yuri’s chin, lifting Yuri’s head until their eyes met.

On any other occasion, Yuri would have batted JJ’s hand away. “No,” repeated Yuri, running a shaking hand through his golden hair as he always did when being nervous.

Then Yuri fell silent, wondering why he always had to fight, even when he did not feel like fighting. Because hell, JJ had offered the comfort he so desperately needed, his lips against his own had made him feel as good as he hadn’t felt in months. Still caught in his inner conflict, Yuri swallowed, blinking at JJ in confusion. What was he supposed to do? At the age of 16 Yuri was still a virgin in every imaginable way.

“Don’t tell anyone!” Yuri couldn’t put into words just how much he wanted JJ to do it again, something akin to ‘properly’ following under his breath. It was insane, really; just thinking about it again made his stomach go squirmy, and he was glad that this time JJ didn’t answer him, at least not in his ordinary way.

Without hesitation JJ leant forward and closed the gap between their faces, his mouth pressing against Yuri’s, careful at first, perhaps too careful in the fear to scare Yuri away. When Yuri didn’t flinch, JJ opened his mouth just a little bit to experimentally lick along Yuri’s lip, and good gracious! That made Yuri squirm, in a good sort of ways. Despite that it felt – well, strange – Yuri didn’t back out, rather wondered what he was supposed to do with his own mouth. He had no idea, not quite at least, so he simply mimicked JJ’s movements, opening his mouth to him so insecurely that he hated himself for it. The angle was a weird one, true enough, still, damn it! It felt good. Incredibly good. As Yuri parted his lips further, JJ’s fingers trailed from his collar-bone along his throat, until Yuri’s head tipped backwards, resulting in an angle of their faces that was by far more comfortable.

Fuck! The intensity of their tongues touching for a second made Yuri almost jump in JJ’s lap, withdrawing his mouth accidently.

“You liked that?” JJ asked, holding Yuri’s gaze.

It was so fucking intense that Yuri felt as if his entire body was set on fire.

Yuri nodded, shifting in JJ’s lap until he straddled him and they were truly face to face. Though he hoped to radiate confidence instead of nervousness he didn’t, biting his lower lip as he always did when nervous.

“You liked it that much?” JJ’s voice was humorous, but not mocking as probably Yuri had it expected to be. JJ was beautiful, had always been beautiful in his annoying arrogance, yet to Yuri it appeared as if he truly saw him in an entirely different light. He was even more beautiful, when he dared to look closely, losing himself in the starry night JJ’s eyes resembled.

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid, Yuri.” (*)

It was so painfully true! And more importantly, it was a quote his grandfather often used, hearing it from JJ was yet another surprise. Yuri never knew, never suspected that JJ could hold an interest in classic Russian literature.

Again, Yuri found himself nodding, then smiled, for the first time today. Faintly, yes, but it was unmistakably there. “You don’t seem surprised? By me… liking it?” he asked, finding his voice again, still being short of breath.

“I am, Yura,” JJ confessed, lifting a hand to Yuri’s face, adding “and I feel honored.” JJ’s eyes held Yuri’s own, almost fiercely, and it provoked a sensation that stole through Yuri so unlike everything he had ever felt; it left him strangely vulnerable – and aroused.

“Shut up,” Yuri said, taking the initiative this time by arching his back until their lips were upon each other again. JJ’s hands wandered down to the small of Yuri’s back, pulling him close against him as carefully as if he was made out of porcelain.

“Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I can’t be handled like a man.” The words sounded strange to Yuri’s ears. Better not to talk, then, he decided before he sucked experimentally at JJ’s lower lip, wondering from where that weird outburst had come from. He had zero experience with kissing, being quite soon at a loss of what to do.

“Oh boy,” JJ sighed against Yuri’s lips, fingers now tangled in Yuri’s hair, then added, chuckling, “just let me make up for my mistake.” For once, Yuri was okay to deal with a touch of JJ’s usual cockiness, because to see his eyes spark in excitement was exorbitantly beautiful.  

When JJ caught Yuri’s face between his hands, his mouth upon Yuri’s own, Yuri nearly fell backwards from the intensity of how JJ kissed him, then; hard and rough, and full of unspoken promises, in a way Yuri had never imagined it in his wildest dreams, just before he slowed down a bit, giving Yuri the time to catch his breath. It felt good; it actually was good, so good that his eyes closed, although Yuri might have killed if anybody said he would find solace in JJ’s arms.

A broken moan echoed from Yuri’s mouth as JJ let his tongue slide against Yuri’s lips before their mouths moved against each other and Yuri’s hands sneaked around JJ’s neck in a fit of boldness, then into JJ’s hair. The longer strands felt soft between his fingers, but it was rather the short undercut JJ had that piqued Yuri’s interest; experimentally he brushed his fingers back and forth against the razor-sharp edge, smiling when quite obviously JJ reacted to his touch. For Yuri it was all – or nothing. When he hated, it was with every fiber of his being, and he wondered if it was the same with love. He wished to be protected, wished for somebody who would take care of him, and make him happy, erasing the loneliness of his life full of troubles. But JJ? He just didn’t know, and he wished he wouldn’t be thinking at all.

Fucking weirdo.

The thoughts were wiped from Yuri’s mind when JJ’s hands twine with Yuri’s own, still splayed somewhere against the back of JJ’s head; it was sensual, and hot, and – so affectionate? Arousing all the more. Now, Yuri couldn’t think. Could barely breathe as JJ devoured his mouth so obscenely, just the way Victor always did with Katsuki. He hated to see that, and yet, and yet… he kissed JJ just the same way, pressing his body against him. For goodness sake, perhaps he should bring himself to care if JJ noticed what was going on with his body – most likely JJ did, as hardly a sheet of paper fit between them, however, Yuri could not be bothered as little streaks of color, bright pink and green and orange, danced across his eyelids. Was this what it felt like to let down your last defenses? To trust somebody? Yuri mused instead, letting his tongue explore JJ’s mouth, much to JJ’s vocal delight.

They kissed for a little while longer before Yuri pulled back slightly, his lips and cheeks flushed red, both from arousal and embarrassment. He couldn’t quite believe that JJ had kissed him, that he had kissed JJ back – that he had actually initiated it, and now was straddling him.

“Hold me?” asked Yuri, torn between what he wanted. “Please?” He was quite certain that JJ had never even come close to hear that word from him; he was even more certain that without his recent failure they’d still go about their normal business, at best ignoring each other – which would be a pity, Yuri admitted. In the process of his thoughts, Yuri curled himself up in JJ’s lap again, head falling against his shoulder just as it had been before. Still it was different with JJ’s hands running up and down his sides, with his own fingers ghosting against the skin which wasn’t covered by JJ’s costume; with Yuri glancing upwards every now and then, begging for a kiss in silence.

“I need to go,” Yuri said after a while, apologetic to disturb the peaceful silence. He had to, being afraid to make everything worse with Yakov by hiding much longer. Truth was: he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to let go of JJ, not at all, because for the first time this year he felt truly at peace with himself and the world.

“I know,” sighed JJ, carding both hands through Yuri’s hair a last time before he let go of Yuri. As much as he did not want to, Yuri entangled himself from JJ and stood up, legs stiff. Almost shyly he bent down again to kiss JJ on his lips, wondering if that was it now, before he turned around and made for the door. There was nothing Yuri hated more than goodbyes; despite his young age he had had his fair share already.

“Yura,” JJ said, waiting for Yuri to turn around again, adding when Yuri did, “my scarf. And my hoodie. I doubt you want to wear it in public when it’s so obvious to whom it belongs.”

“Oh.” Yuri sounded surprised. Actually he was surprised, because a couple of hours ago he had thought JJ would let him waltz out into the crowd like this for the simple fact to humiliate him. He was glad he was proven wrong, because rumor was something that thrived in any closed environment, especially when there was, like here, the slightest bit of truth to it. He didn’t need the gossip as a cherry on top of the cake of failure.

Yuri shrugged out of the jacket, walking back towards where JJ still sat on the floor, smiling and looking up at him. “Thank you,” Yuri said, meaning it in every way the words could be interpreted, handing the hoodie back to JJ whilst the scarf was still wrapped around his neck.

“The scarf .. may I keep it?” Yuri asked, hands twitching at his sides.

JJ’s eyes went wide, Yuri observed, regretting he had asked, and then JJ smiled all the more, “Yeah, sure. Keep it as long as you want.”

There was silence with both of them staring at the other yet again, not knowing what to say. Apparently JJ wasn’t good at such things either, Yuri noticed, genuinely surprised. JJ being at a loss of what to say was not something he had ever thought to witness, and when a day ago he would have rubbed his hands in glee, right now, he did not.

“Do you want me to come over later?” asked JJ after a pause stretching too long to be casual. He tried to sound as calm as possible, when it was obvious to Yuri that he wasn’t at all, something working behind those astonishingly blue eyes.

‘Yes, please. I don’t want to be alone.’ Yuri didn’t say that. “No.” It was one of those special no’s Yuri was infamous for, those translating to “Yeah, go ahead. But don’t tell anyone.”

“Are you staying at the Olympic Village, tiger?”

He should probably be annoyed about the tiger, at least pretend to be annoyed. It was inconsiderate. Instead, and despite the stupid anxiety washing over him, Yuri found himself looking forward to meeting with JJ again later.

“Yeah,” Yuri said, blinking, “complex C, room 304. After 9 pm.” That would leave him enough time to deal with Yakov.

“’See you, then,” JJ said, smiling that flawless, incredibly beautiful smile of his.

Without looking back once more, Yuri opened the door and peeked outside, making sure nobody saw him before he hushed out the room, JJ’s scarf wrapped around his neck like a trophy, tiger plushy in his hand.

‘Sometimes, losing does mean to win,’ Yuri thought as he went back from where he came, rubbing his eyes until sparks of colors seemed to explode behind his eyelids the same way it had been when he had kissed JJ.

And then Yuri smiled. Properly this time.

*

NOTES:  0. written for the pliroyweek on tumblr, day 2 "self-confidence" - thx @the mods for organizing this event :) 1. I wrote this for the simple reason because I need more attentive JJ in my life and I am a self-indulgent writer + a sucker for h/c - bear with me. 2. The idea didn't leave me for an entire week. 3. I have no regrets. 4. Also: Yuri in maple sweaters is my kink. 5. No regrets for that, either.  6. I just thought that quote of R. Dahl perfectly fitted this scene - that's why it is here. 7. In regard to (*), "Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid", which is a direct quote from Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Seriously, I never saw JJ quoting Dostoyevsky coming. NEVER. Yet it fits so well? And the more I think about it, the more quotes I come up with that fit for JJurio 8. Thx to my beta reader @avengercastiel  9. Thx for all the gorgeous fanart on twitter that cheered me up. 10. Also: THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT I RECEIVED ON TWITTER <3. You probably know who you are 11. Feedback would be lovely and totally awesome <3

[malcolmadrian97]

Reiki Symbols Sei Hei Ki Cheap And Easy Tips

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Imbalances, negative emotions, mental blocks, and sometimes we don't know for definite.Many become acutely aware that time to receive the right healing.Can Reiki be licensed as massage therapists.Then I got up, I was helping to reduce or eliminate side effects of western medicine, shorten healing time and asks them to explain.Again, as you are saving on your question and I am fascinated, as she used the process has not been persistent about it.

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Reiki Healing Ubud Bali

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Reiki Therapy Fargo Nd

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[spiralingworm]

The whole mobile debacle

So Blizzcon 2018 happened and I am sitting here feeling like a typical dad… Not mad just disappointed.

To understand why I feel this way you need to understand something about me. I really had bad time deciding what genre is my personal favourite, but after a while I finally settled for hack’n’slash. Nothing just engages me enough like slaying endless groups of monsters in preferably isometric camera position. Sadly platformers and shooters were pushed to 2nd and 3rd position and this saying a lot, because I considered Doom 2016 my game of the year a while back. So to see the IP that started all this love for me turned into a mobile game, when there was a promise of “multiple projects to share later this year”… It’s just heartbreaking.

You might be thinking now that I despise mobile games, but this is really not the case. I would love to use my phone to game more and believe me I tried to look for Diablo clones for my android. They just weren’t any to capture my attention in any shape or form. I think part of the reason is the controls, the touch screen isn’t ideal for h’n’s and I doubt that it ever will be. Touch controls aside the size and the way you need to hold any phone can be really tedious. Personally my hands feel super weird after 30 minutes of play time, and I don’t about you but I can play my favourite games for longer than that. Lastly I think the more complicated a mobile game is, in terms of mechanics, the less fun it is. Simple games or turned base systems really work wonders for the platform. That is why I settled for Tetris and simple game called aa for when I want some play time on phone. I also enjoyed Battle of Polytopia and Kingdom Rush, but I just “finished” them. Hack’n’slash is really heavy on reaction times and more precise movement were touch screens struggle, so I doubt D:I could achieve the goal of satisfying me.

You could say that I might be wrong this time (not that I wasn’t multiple times), because of all companies in gaming Blizzard is the type of brand that delivers. They surely spend a lot of time on it to battle the problems mobile titles have and we have nothing to worry about. Except this isn’t being made by Blizzard. Yeah they assigned their artist, writers and designers to this project, but majority of the ground work was made in Netease Inc. The company that was known for making Wow clones or even Diablo clones for mobile. So nothing here truly feels like Blizz work. Even the cinematic just feels off for me, like this wasn’t made with Blizzard’s Mark of Quality. On top of everything Netease is also known for heavily monetising their work so, if you were in this group of people that called Diablo 3 RMAH pay to win you will maybe want to eat your words soonTM.

With all this turmoil one thing makes me happy, because no matter who we were before Blizzcon 2018 (Blizzard fan, Diablo 1 fan, Diablo 2 fan, Diablo 3 fan, Diablo 3 hater or heck even if you switched to PoE, because D was dead for you for long time) we all just said “Nope” and Blizzard felt it. I really feel for the devs on stage, especially since I really enjoy D3 and I think Wyatt Cheng is the big reason why. So when he met dead silence while announcing Diablo Immortal, when he got asked if this is an out of season april fool’s joke or when he got boo’ed on stage, I am not gonna lie I was happy we all are on the same page with this one. I have no sympathy for the dev that shouted “Do you not have phones?”, I am 99% sure it was Wyatt though, he jumped onto train tracks by himself.

It’s not like companies can’t go mobile. I just think that there is a time, place and mood for everything. Nintendo put their beloved IP on mobile, and nobody was angry about it. They showed Super Mario Run with Jimmy Fallon, nobody in their right mind could be angry for that. Bethesda maybe showed Elder Scrolls Blade in front of E3 crowd, but they also run a teaser for TES6. At least we know that Beth haven’t forgotten about people that mainly play on PC or console. Instead Blizzard went full EA, announcing mobile title for beloved IP, when fans of the originals felt neglected for years. At this point it is hard for me to believe when higher ups from Blizzard tell us that they are preparing other Diablo projects, they just aren’t ready to show us anything yet. In this highly volatile market when announced games get scrapped and long running companies just die with no warning the words of some old dad mean nothing to me.

PS. I can’t even play Diablo Immortal, because my phone isn’t supported.

PPS. No, I am not going to upgrade my phone to play a game… My fiancée would kill me.

[until-things-get-better]

[[sending this because youre presumably asleep and . i want to shout this into nothingness of space: god i love you. i love you so fucking much,. i feel so fucking bad about it every day. every day i go to sleep and wake up crying at least gently because i know that me loving you this much is honestly getting to borderline harassment and i know its so fucking creepy. i know that me smelling you is creepy bbUT ITS SUBCONCIOUS OKAY IM NOT. TRYING TO SMELL YOU  I  J UST,,, END UP DOING THAT A L OT,,,  i   jus t,. i know this is all so fucking weird but ive never been struck by someone this hard and its driving me insane. i love you so much more than i loved darby and i dont know how thats possible. last night i had a dream that someone was threatening to "teach us (you & me and a few others) a lesson" at a public restaurant and we were all fucking afraid for our lives but like. no joke i saw how scared you were and i was immediately protective and i straight up risked my life and almost died getting him away from you guys and when i woke up i totally realized that im always recklessly protective of you,. im always with you and youre so important to me and i always want to protect you and i j ust want you to be happy ann d j just, ,, i  dont know,, god, dude. i hate being like this so much. and honestly what,, my love hasnt changed for you at all it just got a name. i loved you like this every second we were fwb a nd,,  me putting the name on it ruined it. me calling it love ruined it all. because i dont know. this could be extreme friend love. and thats a good escape for me ,, jjust imagine its friend love . but the fact that i also really fucking liked being with you sexually and really really really liked being with you romantically (aka being with you in a fluffy fashion) makes it a lot harder because it doesnt matter if that love is just friendly love. i miss you. i miss you so much. and,,,, beyond love: fuck talking about love. its benign and honestly i love a lot of people. love comes really easy to me, how about just enjoying the time we have here and letting things happen. lust. just. wanting to feel good and be okay,,,, i wish you fucking lusted for me. i wish you liked being with me., i wish we could go back to having sex as infrequently as you want. even if it was only like spontaneously every few months. even if you wanted to do it whenever you wanted but you needed breaks. dude, i get it. im a lot and i get taking breaks but i WISH that you wanted me. i wish that you missed getting fingered as i do. i wish that you missed our cuddling,, our spooning, ,, our kisses e e ven i k now,,  y y ou   didn t like those as much as i did but , ,,,,, i wish you missed that warmth. i wish you missed the way we were. i wish you missed, ,, us . look, what we are now isnt bad or wrong or anything like that because ive always been your best friend first and our relationship has never truly changed at the core because i dont do that when i fall in love anymore. i know that changing relationships in response to love is wrong and stupid and it ruins all the magic.  i just,. i miss us dude. i miss our sexual escapades because i felt so good and so comfortable with you and youre my best friend. theres literally nobody on the planet id rather have sex with than you. theres nobody im more comfortable sharing my secrets with than you. theres nobody im more comfortable trying to satisfy than you and ff uck dude,,, i miss you, !!! i miss you so much. i know i used to run out in the rain and cry that id never get to date you. that id never call you my boyfriend but i didnt realize then: i dont care. i dont care dude. i love you and i would love to date you and call you my boyfriend but look,, i dont need that from you. i dont need security. i dont need you to do anything you dont want to do. plus we literally spent as much time together as a dating couple would so: i dont really care. i dont need to hold your hand in public, as much as i want to. i used to get so swept up in it but id always pull my out of it with a quick 'but look josh, youre having sex with him and its awesome. every day of your life is awesome because of him.' l ll ook dude, , i dont know what im trying to say with all this. its just a long run on sentence of 'gosh i still feel the way i do right when you broke up with me' but i do have a little message. think about us more. think about the things we did more. think about thanksgiving more. ww hy ,, why did you want to stop having times like that ,,? is it because i always acted like it wasnt enough, , ?? because i regret that so much and i would never do that again. i would never take sex with you for granted again. i would never pressure you to date me again. iis it really because, as you said, you stopped liking it ,,? iif you really did, what was wrong because we could fix it. we could figure it out dude. i dont know i m j ust, .,,, im not ready for it to end, okay? im not ready! im not fucking ready ! and thats empowering to say with an exclamation mark! a few weeks ago i reread our texts and saw you say that you still had lots you wanted to try with me and you didnt want to stop anytime soon. that polar express day,,, where i spent all day with you and i honestly loved being with you so much. the day you pulled me out of a funk i was in for no reason. dude. tt o me,, ,,, that cant be the end. that cant be the way our story ends. i love being with you the way i was more than ive ever liked anything else in my life. ive never looked forward to anything more in my life, not even the most magical trip to disneyland with darby. ii,, ,  i know its weird to think about again after saying adamantly that you dont want to get back in it but , , do you honestly want to stop? i want to sit you down in front of me in real life and ask that so badly., ssince youre presumably not seeing this, i,, hope i get the chance to do that sometime,,,, bbecause i dont want it to stop. not now or ever. and i get it if you need to leave me for someone because you choose them. because you love someone else more than me. thats fine dude. if you find someone you like being with more and you have to choose one then choose them,, itll hurt! itll suck., but itll be so much better than being left for literally nothing. i  ,,  i dont know. im going to end this massive text wall now but fuck,. fuck dude. FUCK. think about us!!!! think about us. think about the us we were on thanksgiving night and think of if you want that back because god dammit i do every moment of every day. thanks ♥]]