#why can't I ever feel like I'm real why am i always building myself from the outside

[sneaky-story]

>is only free some weekends and has to travel a lot for it

>carefully plans to see my friends because it's my only occasions

>they get sick and can't come

[elly99]

pho-ever

Hanni was in Chicago for Lollapalooza. Just over five years ago she sat next to you everyday at school. Hanni was a Gucci ambassador. But in one of her pictures you see her wearing the socks you got for her way back when.

You were surprised to say the very least. It had been quite a while since you'd stopped communicating regularly. Maybe the occasional birthday greeting or 'how are you' only for things to fizzle out after a few days. Though you missed how it used to be, when not a day went by where you weren't talking, you understood that your lives were very different now. But still you wonder why she would do this now after all this time.

Would it be worth asking her? You did miss her after all. Why not ask an old friend how she was doing? You had nothing better to do at 3 in the morning.

"hey hanni! just wanted to ask you how you've been doing. i know you're probably quite busy right now so no worries if you can't reply right away. chookas for tomorrow!!"

You were going to leave it there and try to get some sleep, but to your astonishment she replies almost immediately.

"heeeyyy!! thank you!! i'm doing great! just a little nervous for tomorrow but i know it'll be fun. it's so nice hearing from you again!! how have you been? i was thinking about you recently"

"oh really? cuz i saw you posted a picture with those socks"

"yeah man! i'm never gonna lose these!! they mean a lot to me"

That hit somewhere deep in your heart.

"really?"

"what do you mean really? don't act surprised!!"

"well i am! i mean we don't talk as much as we used to. and you haven't been back in melbourne for so long"

"doesn't mean i'd forget about one of my best friends!"

"you still consider me that?"

"of course! don't you?"

"pho-ever hahaha"

"pho-ever ❤️"

You take a minute to think about what to say next.

"hey hanni honestly the real reason i texted was because i've been missing you a lot recently. i went through high school and i'm in uni now but after you left i just never had another friend like you. nobody ever got me like you did. and i know we've changed and grown up a lot since then but i feel like you'd still get me. you've always been special to me. so yeah i've just been feeling a little lonely lately"

Instantly you regret sending something so heavy. And your worry only builds as the minutes go by without a reply. But she surprises you for the third time that night. Because she's calling.

"Hey, brooo! It's been so long! It's good to see you again!"

You'd seen so many photos and videos of her since she debuted but there was something so strange about seeing her like this on your screen. She was the perfect juxtaposition of dazzling stardom and warm, nostalgic familiarity. She was still the Hanni you loved from all those years ago but it felt like you were meeting her for the first time again.

"Sup, bro," you chuckle. "It's good seeing you, too! I wasn't expecting you to call. Sorry I look like a mess. It's 3 AM."

"Oh, yeah! It's really late for you! Well, I just wanted to call quickly to say that I miss you a lot, too. You know being here in Chicago has had me thinking a lot. Like, it's hard to believe that I've come so far and I'm really so grateful and honored."

"But you deserve it, Hanni! You've worked so hard to get where you are now. I'm so proud of you, by the way."

"Aw, thanks, man! But, yeah. Sometimes I find myself missing the simpler days. Everything's moving so fast now and sometimes I just wanna go back to the old days of just messing around at school. With you and all our old friends. That's why I wore those socks. Just to remind myself of where I came from. Of all the people that are so important to me."

You catch yourself tearing up at her words.

"Hey, Hanni, we didn't ever say 'I love you' to each other, did we? I don't think that's something we ever said to each other. I mean, kids don't really have a good grasp of that, right? But as I grew older and realized just how important you were to me, I was like, 'Yeah, I love this girl.' So, yeah. Just thought I should say that," you laugh nervously at your sudden confession.

"And I love you, too! I guess my way of saying that back then was sitting next to you everyday," she laughs with you, her radiant smile easing your nerves. "I know I haven't been able to visit in years and I'm really sorry about that! But I promise as soon as I'm able I'll come see you. I'm also sorry I haven't kept in touch as much recently but I hope you know I think about you a lot. I'm sure when we meet up again it'll be like nothing changed. We can go back to singing What Makes You Beautiful like there's no tomorrow."

"God, I miss that."

You make eye contact and you recognize her look just as she recognizes yours.

"BABY YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE!!!"

This time you laugh together and it really was as if nothing had changed.

"Speaking of what makes you beautiful, you should go get your beauty sleep. It's so late!"

"You're right. I should at least try to be a functioning human, right? But thanks so much for calling, Hanni. I really appreciate it. You're the best."

"Hey, no problem, man! I really missed hearing your voice. Reminds me of home."

You have no answer for her sweetness.

"And whenever you feel lonely, remember I'm always here, ok? Just text me any time! I'm always here for you. I'll do my best to send you my own updates from time to time as well."

"Alright, will do, bro. Have fun tomorrow! I know you're gonna devour it."

"I'll do my best!"

"You always do. See ya, Hanni!"

"Good night! Get lots of sleep, have sweet dreams and eat well tomorrow! Love yaaa!"

She was too good for the world.

After the call you smile to yourself in the dark. Deep down you knew that, no matter how much time passed or how much distance there was between the two of you, you both still had a piece of each other in your hearts. Since she left years ago she had gotten herself new jeans but she'd keep those old socks pho-ever.

[notmorbid]

hacks: season 1.

dialogue prompts from the first season of hbo's hacks. (some lines have been tweaked for rp.)

i didn't realize it was a shoes-off situation.

did you want a gold star for showing up?

you classist monster.

you're supposed to be on mute.

what are your feelings on the climate crisis?

i explicitly told you not to say my name.

we don't work together, you work for me. and not very well.

it doesn't get better. it just gets harder.

do i have big hands?

i have nothing left to lose.

fuck you, lemony snicket.

why do you keep sending me petfinder links?

i told you you were going to regret over-tweezing in the '90s.

the only thing i regret is not getting emancipated.

just don't do it on my time. or in my chair.

go ahead and disregard the picture i sent you.

i do miss you. as a friend.

you think you know everybody better than they know themselves.

you don't even have to go through security?

stop acting like a hillbilly and sit down.

i guess it's good you can be there for someone's kid.

i always drink too much when you're around.

i can radically accept that my mom is a cunt.

they say if you collect, it's not a problem, it's a hobby.

jesus. was it at least good coke?

let's blow this shit and go celebrate.

watching tv is practically like reading a book, at this point.

you're that girl who never got to sit with the cool kids and never got over it.

what a rush. i should blackmail more often.

i feel like we're about to win a bunch of money together.

do you want to do coke in the bathroom?

i would have had such a crush on you in high school.

sorry to be so blunt. we just did a lot of coke.

who even likes marvel movies, anyway?

you were right. i am a little shit.

i don't really have friends. i think that's a huge red flag about me as a human being.

the real work is in loving yourself for who you really are.

my father's in my phone as 'dickhead'.

i know two things: you are a good person, and we need to do some molly.

i don't think i've ever seen you not wearing pants. did somebody die?

what's going on here? premarital sex?

go get a book on attachment theory and a bottle of ativan.

you don't have my number saved?

this is why your building banned parties.

the keg-shaped hole in the wall could have been made by anything?

i have an amazing idea, but it's kind of insane.

that's such a creepy way to be woken up.

i have some weed edibles on me.

to be honest, i keep forgetting to have an opinion on it.

i think shitty things keep happening because i've been a self-centered asshole.

do you know how to play mahjong?

people would rather laugh at me than believe me.

it was great, until it wasn't.

you haven't even heard about when the vatican had it in for me.

it's the truth. it might be nice to finally fucking say it out loud.

you can make it funny. you can make anything funny.

i drink, like, a glass of water a month.

am i blushing?

maybe it's just because i watched carol last night.

i've honestly never met anyone like you.

pretty soon, you're gonna be the same age as me.

i am a grown-up, and you can't make me.

i'm gonna eat your dessert and go home.

i've never been this close to someone i wasn't hooking up with.

stop waiting for ___ to be proud of you and start doing things that make you feel proud of yourself.

hope you enjoyed the free show.

before you, i didn't care what happened to me.

you always make loving me feel like the easiest thing in the world.

what? i'm literally naked here.

oh, that's horrible. play it again.

you're young. you'll be fine.

the whole soul-baring thing seems awfully off-brand.

let's grab a table and talk some shit. come on.

i would have been more than happy to smoke weed with your mom.

well, anyway, he's dead now.

camping? how do i protect myself from bears?

if i'm not upset about it, you shouldn't be.

it's exhausting, beating everyone else to the punch.

never forgive, never forget, baby.

will you stay off webmd? it's bad for your personality.

i can't tell who's haim and who's just three people.

you've always had my back. that way it's easier to stab.

at least now we kind of get each other.

i promise not to send you unsolicited pornography anymore.

you know you're charming. it's annoying, actually.

true feminism is being able to just come out and say that some women are cunty monsters.

your accent makes everything sound smarter than it actually is.

when you share a sense of humor with someone, it's like speaking your own private little language.

we come into this world completely alone, and that's how we leave it.

i don't pretend. i never have.

did you change your signature scent recently?

can we get pulled over for having too much fun?

it's not from therapy, it's from mental health tiktok.

you do think about me, and i think about you. it's called a human relationship.

you don't get to tell me what's important.

i move forward. i always have. end of story.

who slaps people?

i'm worried if i don't say it now, i'll never say it.

do you want some coffee? i made some.

it involved an ice cream truck and a hot wire, and that's as far as i'll go.

my uncle really doesn't want me to do 23andme, so i'm pretty sure he's a serial killer.

i always felt really, really lonely here.

maybe my entire existence shouldn't just be a response to my shitty childhood.

you need to learn to cry without moving your forehead.

[b1gtimerush]

russian doll (season one) dialogue prompts from the first season of netflix's russian doll.

sweet birthday baby!

are you having fun?

do, uh… do ladies have midlife crises?

aren't you a little young for a midlife crisis?

it's my bad attitude that keeps me young.

you all right?

being a feline lover is not and has never been sad.

i thought you were a real sick fuck, but i see you're pretty deep, actually.

what's up with you?

have we met before?

the universe is trying to fuck with me, and i refuse to engage.

are you gonna tell me what's going on?

you know, your friends can't help you if you don't let them.

you're not helping me at all. you're sabotaging me.

will you help me out with something?

uh, i think i might be losing it, like i'm going crazy.

you will not be alone, okay?

thursday. what a concept!

buildings aren't haunted. people are.

did you kill someone?

i think we have something really, really good. and it's worth pursuing.

he goes, "you're using them as a distraction from the abyss," but he's wrong, because you are the abyss.

i want to cut your hair.

i'll never understand why you're being nice to me.

i think i finally figured out a little something about how this world works.

hey, man. didn't you get the news? we're about to die.

stop playing these mind games.

this is the problem. you're always trying to fix every little thing.

i… i can't do this anymore.

how could you do this to me?

i can… i… i can do it by myself. i can.

no one can do anything by themselves.

you showed up and everything has gone off.

from what i gather, we are in this together.

you're an asshole.

why do you think this is happening to us?

i love that you're a cunt. it makes me feel morally superior.

for my birthday, tell me if i'm a bad person.

nobody chooses me. i'm the hole where a choice should be.

you want me to feel guilty? well, i don't.

i don't want to be attached to anyone.

people thinking that i'm crazy is one of my biggest fears.

sometimes hail marys are the best marys we've got.

you ever been married, engaged?

i think i'm meant to be alone.

not many people could go through what we are going through.

how do you know that you're real?

we… we need each other. i need you. you need me.

look. i am sorry that i yelled at you for just trying to be a nice person, okay?

i just… i do not want to do this alone.

you are the most selfish person i have ever met.

thank you for changing my life.

i love you. i mean that in the truest sense.

no matter how much we think we're fooling people, our bodies… they can't keep lying the way that our minds can.

for years, i've just been… i've just been hollow.

i thought if i kept my head down, did everything right... this aching, gnawing feeling of being an absolute failure would just… would just go away.

i don't know why i'm alive.

life is like a box of timelines. you feel me?

i'm convinced our true purpose is to to connect with each other, if not help save each other's lives.

[friendlyneighborhoodyanderenerd]

Ethereal Beauty

At this point, I'm going to make this a series. I generally have an obsession. So take this before I make a real series out of my last few pices.

Minors DNI

TW: Noncon, Forced drugging, public nsfw, 18+, smut, many petnames, yandere behavior and tendency

____________________________________________________________________________

As the soft breeze rustled through the cherry blossoms at Xianle Pavilion, my eyes inadvertently locked with Feng Xin's, and in that fleeting moment, a horrible chill went through my spine as memories from the last couple of months played through my mind. We stare each other down for a moment, before Feng takes a single step towards me. My panic takes hold of my mind, so I turn and run. Run, Run, Run I have to run! I feel a hand get hooked onto my waist, and the next moment I'm on the ground. A heavy weight gets placed on top of me. A hand comes around and forces something into my mouth.But I will never swallow this pill on my own, no fuck that, I will not become this insane assholes fuck puppy.

He covers my mouth and pinches my nose once he notices my unwillingness to swallow the pill. No! I can last until he gives up, I won't take, I won’t let this go on. It hurts, not taking air in, it burns. I’ll let myself pass out before I bend to his will.

“Look, it’s Xie Lian, why don’t you show him how good you look under me?”

My head whips up, accidentally swallowing the pill in the process. I come to realize in my panicked frenzy, no one is here. He tricked me, he knew my fear of someone, especially his highness, seeing me in a position like this and got me to swallow.

“Good boy, Let the heat take control. I’ll take good care of you.”

I can feel the heat build up slowly, a need for relief I know all too well. He moves us so I am sitting on his lap. The heat is hitting me, and hitting me harder than it has before. My body feels heavy and hot. Fuck I feel like i’m dying. I pant and whine, gods, I hate this. He could at least have the decency to take us inside! His hand finds his way to my dick, and he grabs it causing me to moan. Not again! No, no! I hate how my body works. I don’t want this, I never wanted this. Yet, my dick is already hard, the heat is becoming unbearable, more than normal.

"Mhh! Fuck!"

"Does that feel good?"

I glare at him, sure, physical yes, but this is far from good. A hand is taken to my chest. It lifts under the loose thin shirt I was given and messes with my nipples. He seemed to have a fixation on my chest, he is always touching me there and I hate it most. My body is too heavy, I can't move on my own. This sick bastard.

"Ah fuck!"

"That's it baby boy"

His hand slips into my boxers and he slips them off. Leaving me half naked. Not even giving me a chance, his hand quickly worked me over. He's done this to me so many times that my body has already been trained and conditioned to him, bringing me closer to the edge faster than ever. He gets close to my ear, and in a hushed and firm voice he tells me.

"The drugs aren't enough, I need to get you drunk on me."

His hand stops just as I am about to cum. His hand on my chest is taken away, drawing a whine from me. I can feel his hand doing something underneath me but I can't tell what. After a good few moments of him fiddling with something and giving me a break, an all too familiar feeling and I get nervous. Only having a second to brace myself he enters me with full force.

The feeling of being so full all at once felt so good. I can feel my mind slipping away slowly, I open my mouth in a silent moan. He starts to slowly pound away at me. He hits that spot deep inside me with every thrust and god, I'm seeing stars. He is reaching all those spots I can't reach and he knows it. My mind is going fuzzy.

"Good boy, enjoy getting drunk off my cock."

Fuck him. He could go die in a hole and I wouldn't care! Really- Ohh fuck, he hit that spot agaaaa-

It doesn't take long for me to succumb to the pleasure. Becoming a panting, drooling, moaning mess. The familiar coil builds up fast, soon enough I'm on the edge.

"I can tell you're close, cum into my hand baby."

He grows into my ear, just that made me cum. My body shakes as I cum, he works through my orgasm. He loves to prolong the pleasure for me. With just a few more thrusts he cums inside me. Filling me more than I was before. My body still feels heavy but better than before. He takes a moment to catch his breath before he picks me up and starts to walk me back inside. He kisses the top of my head as he walks.

As we walk away, I barely glance up. Only to be met with a pair of amber eyes looking at the two of us in horror.

[unidentifiedprimate]

Actually I'm not done.

Telling a Story Through Touch Part 3 - Conclusion

Something kept bothering me.

This

is after the turning point. But when Herbert goes to touch Dan, something stops him. I told myself it was just residual hesitation. They're not fully there yet. Herbert's not entirely comfortable with his former level of physical affection.

But it kept nagging at me. Because after the "Let me", after the shoulder touch, after the hand grab... Herbert SHOULD be able to touch Dan here. But he can't. Why?

It's because of this:

When Francesca comes into the house and confronts Dan, she breaks the spell.

I'm going to go off on a Dan tangent for a bit, so bear with me.

Dan is such a complicated person. I see him as growing up in a happy nuclear family, popular in school, always following the rules and being a Good Boy. He dates the right girls. He wants to become a doctor.

He's NORMAL.

But inside, there's this part of him that he has always suppressed. He's kind and caring, yes, but to the point of obsession. He's a nice guy, but he has a rage that slips out when he's stressed. He wants to help people, but he'll go far past the point of what is sensible in order to do it.

The first time he meets Herbert, he sees him tear into a highly respected doctor who should have power over Herbert by controlling his grades. But Herbert doesn't care about Hill's status or his authority. He is utterly fearless, brash, and rude. Dan has never been any of those things. He's shocked, but I think he's also impressed. He envies Herbert's total self-confidence.

And then Herbert moves in with Dan, and ultimately presents him with the most astounding display of genius and arrogance that he's ever seen. Herbert West is so daring, so sure of his abilities, that he's going to defeat Death itself.

And Dan is hooked. This work scratches an itch he didn't even realize he had.

But he still thinks of himself as a Normal Guy. And throughout both movies, he clings to this idea that he hasn't changed. Herbert is the weird one, even though Dan is right beside him every step of the way.

In Bride, I see Dan as completely compartmentalizing two versions of himself: Normal Dan, who exists outside of the house, and Weird Dan, who only comes out at home in the basement with Herbert. When he's at the hospital or grocery shopping or doing anything else outside in the world, he doesn't think of himself as the passionate scientist fighting against Death by whatever means necessary. He is so far removed from that side of himself that he doesn't even realize that inviting Francesca to dinner at his house means that she would come to his HOUSE, where he LIVES WITH HERBERT and does HORRIFYING UNETHICAL EXPERIMENTS. It doesn't occur to him. Normal guys invite girls over. And Dan is a Normal Guy.

(Dan: Oh. Oops.)

Even at home, he will bring that idea of himself inside - enough to feel repulsed by what he's doing and tell Herbert he's going to leave. But as soon as Herbert reminds him of the magnitude of the work, he's back. It's like a switch is flipped, and the obsessive, driven, weirdo Dan comes back out.

Normal Dan: I am charming and kind.

Weird Dan: Hell yes let's build a new Meg out of stolen body parts.

But Dan has been fighting that side. He keeps trying to hold onto his clean image of himself, and stop himself from falling headlong into the role that Herbert wants him to fill. It's Weird Dan that Herbert needs (that he loves). Normal Dan is useless to him, and kind of hates him. Weird Dan is the Dan that Herbert saw and drew out. The one who can be a real partner to him. His Dan.

When Dan grabs his arm and says "Let me," Herbert knows that that Dan is back in charge. And that's when he's comfortable enough to touch him again.

But then Francesca comes. And she forces him to confront the realities he has been pushing away.

Francesca fighting the Bride is really like a fight between Dan's two sides; Francesca represents a normal life, and the Bride (of course) represents a life with Herbert.

And Francesca is winning. Normal Dan is resurfacing, and he doesn't like what he helped create.

And that's what stops Herbert when he reaches out. That's not his Dan anymore.

When Dan fully rejects the Bride, Herbert tries to salvage it.

Forget it. She's nothing. It means nothing. We'll start again. We'll do it better. It'll be better. (I'll be better.)

But it's over. At the end of Re-Animator when Herbert is in trouble, Dan reaches for him. Even with Meg there, Dan reaches out to Herbert.

But at the end of Bride, he barely even looks at Herbert. He's made a choice. And when he reaches down into the earth, he's reaching for Francesca. He pulls her out, and he lets Herbert get buried. Along with all their work - their life - together.

[queerlymasculine]

What My 24/7 D/s Dynamic Is Like (no, it's not like that)

what up, gamers, my name is Seth

I'm a man in my 30s, and the other day, I realized that I'm in a 24/7 dynamic with my partner and dom. now, you might be wondering - and justifiably so - how I didn't know that, and you would be even more justified to be extremely skeptical of my intellectual capacity when you learn that I've been with my partner for almost three and a half years and our dynamic existed from the beginning lmao

but here's why: my 24/7 dynamic does not look like any definition or description of a 24/7 dynamic that I have ever heard or read.

whenever I heard about any kind of kink being 24/7, it was usually - but not always - in the context of total power exchange (TPE). if it wasn't a 24/7 TPE, the seemingly most important defining characteristic of a 24/7 dynamic was the emphasis on rules that one partner follows even when another is not (others are not) present. these rules could be sexual in nature or not but often or usually included both.

routine was another defining characteristic. one partner adheres to the rules or routine governing certain activities (getting up, bedtime routine, etc.) at all times. the routine wouldn't always be an everyday routine, but every time X condition applied, you do Y and Z, and the consequence of noncompliance* is punishment of some kind, whatever was decided upon by all parties. compliance was often rewarded but not always or at least not part of the established plan.

Sometimes the rules and routine could relate to domestic duties. Sometimes a person would have to keep their partner(s) updated about whether they were following the rules.

The narrative was always one of control, of restriction, of limitation. whether these themes were explicit is beside the point. you can't do this, you have to do this by or before this time, etc. It was one partner telling the other no.

And that............. is not for me. good on you if it's your jam and you're able to negotiate a scenario that hits all your buttons, but it's not for me.

I don't enjoy rules. I don't like having the specter of failure lurking in the back of my mind. I don't want to live with the anxiety that comes with the potential to disappoint someone I care about very deeply, whose opinion of me truly matters to me. I don't want to be deprived of the flexibility to dictate the rhythm of my day.

and you know what, I just don't want to be told what to do during my everyday life. I don't want someone telling me I should be punished for making choices I'm entitled to make as an adult. the idea of having my autonomy limited in any way genuinely pisses me off. there is no world in which rules between me and a partner are anything but inevitable sources of guilt, shame, fear, self loathing, and misery.

similarly, an established routine is quite frankly incompatible with my brain. there would legitimately be no point in even trying. but honestly, the real reason I hate the very idea of it is because a scenario in an interpersonal relation where there is some kind of expectation regarding how I choose to spend my time and the possibility of negative consequences for failure to comply is an inherently coercive and miserable situation to me. I know a lot of people want a little help achieving certain goals - maybe having a consistent sleep schedule or being more consistently on time for things, whatever it might be - because those kinds of things can be really hard and being accountable to someone else motivates them, and that's great for them, but that's not how it works for me. I'm independent. if I am going to do something, it is will be the result of an active choice that I have made. other people's opinions or feelings on the matter are never significant factors in my decisionmaking process. they never have been. my entire life has been a series of decisions I have made to build for myself a life worth living when the people around me wanted me to accept conditions that might have killed me if given enough time. I'm not exaggerating.

this applies not only to big decisions but also the small, everyday ones. for example, I'm trying to eat takeout only once a week. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you that anything more than that is really expensive and most likely inconsistent with reasonable health outcomes lol

some people might get a lot of value out of coming up with an agreement with their partner to help them stick to that goal, and honestly, I can understand how that might be helpful for someone, if that's your jam.

but here's where I differ: the significance of my decision to be mindful of my money and advance my health goals is derived entirely and exclusively from the fact that I am actively choosing those things every single day to the best of my ability. that I can just as easily and without external consequence choose to get food delivered three times a week is a crucial part of the equation.

okay real talk I literally just had a revelation as I work on this post. I realized that the problem with the imposition of rules and routine intended to result in me taking care of myself is how it makes self care compulsory. I would not be doing it for myself; I would be doing it to avoid punishment, disappointment, etc.

And that's just........ not good. that is the opposite of self care. self care isn't what happens if you just check the right items (and enough of them) off a to-do list. it's not the inevitable product of doing a specific number of specific actions.

anyway, back to my point--

so, you're probably still asking exactly how it took me three and a half years to realize I'm in a 24/7 dynamic.

well, it's because we don't do any of the shit I used to associate with the idea of a 24/7 dynamic.

rules? we don't have them. we don't play with anything even remotely close to that universe, not even when we're joking around. really.

routines? nope.

tasks I am required to do? no. tasks that my partner would like it if I did? no.

punishment if I do/don't do something specific during a play session or in the course of a regular day? no. we don't even play with the language of punishment, discipline, correction, etc. we're not interested.

so, the question remains --

what does a 24/7 dynamic look like if those elements are not present?

uhh we both work full time and live in different states so... there is that. in terms of what occupies the overwhelming majority of my time and energy, from an external perspective, I am doing what I would be doing on my own. I work, I play video games, I spend time with my friends, I go to therapy.

now that I'm trying to explain it, I'm struggling to find words.

it's the way we relate to each other, the way we interact. a mutual understanding of what we have decided to build together. it's so simple and straightforward and profound in its simplicity -- ze takes care of me, I let hir take care of me.

it probably sounds like I'm getting the better end of the deal. after all, the sentence I wrote kind of makes it seem like I'm the passive beneficiary of hir love and efforts, offering nothing in return. I wouldn't be surprised if someone thought, "What's in it for hir?"

and that's the thing.

it's not an exchange. it's not a deal, it's not a bargain. there's no admission fee, no price to pay. I haven't given anything up, and ze hasn't taken anything away.

I feel like this will be incomprehensible to many people and even not qualify as kink to a few.

ze wants to take care of me. ze wants to call me sweet thing and tell me I'm a good man and a good boy, and I want hir to say those things to me. I want to be safe, I want to feel safe, and ze is safe, and with hir, who I am and what I am, my feelings, my thoughts, my fears -- it's okay. I don't have to be pleasant and sunny if I'm actually feeling grumpy. I can feel grumpy, and I can express that I'm grumpy instead of packing it all away so it doesn't kill the mood.

there's no threat of failure, no standards to conform to, no goals to achieve, no expectations to meet. we're just gentle and sweet to each other, that's all.

I'm hirs, yes, ze owns me, that's the language we have chosen to use, but it would be a mistake to try and understand our dynamic through the lens of capitalism. capitalism cannot comprehend ownership devoid of exploitation, and thus, many people would not consider this ownership. after all, capitalist ownership is about control, it's defined by the right to control and make decisions about your property, and ze doesn't make any decisions for me. so how is that ownership?

exactly.

also, 24/7 dynamics that other people have have always sounded like so much fucking work to me. what we have is so natural and easy. it's easy to be sweet and gentle with hir. ze is easy to talk to. ze is easy to trust. the hardest part of this relationship has been learning to allow myself to ask for what I want and what I need and not judging myself for daring to want or need something. actually getting and giving what I want and need is easy.

anyway. it's been a long day and my brain is tired. I just wanted to share all this so hopefully fewer people will walk around with the misconception that kink is only one specific thing or the idea that you have to give things up in order to get what you are looking for. you don't have to.

oh and by the way this shouldn't be understood or interpreted as some kind of commentary on anyone else's relationship. it's a description and explanation of my relationship and why it works for me and my partner.

*to me, compliance/noncompliance are not the same concepts as obedience/disobedience. You can comply with the rules but find ways to subvert the spirit of them if you get creative and believe in yourself.

[whatsthepointinstayinghere]

Ortega. The Yuma lookalike

First post test. Just because.

You guys ever noticed how Ortega in Pokémon Scarlet and violet looks exactly like Yuma from MDA: Raincode?

I've always wanted to point that out because I find it hilarious.

• BOTH are males

• BOTH have purple eyes

• BOTH have a short physical build

• BOTH have pink hair styled in a bowl cut

Yuma: "DON'T TALK TO ME OR MY SON EVER AGAIN!"

Either way I freaking adore them both! 🩷💜

Ortega is Fairy Type Yuma while Yuma is Ghost type Ortega.

Yuma is kindhearted with a strong sense of justice while Ortega is competitive, bratty and short tempered while hiding real feelings behind the insults he throws at people.

Just some things about me:

By the way this is my first ever Tumblr post. I'm a new guy so I'm the newbie dumbass. I'm a massive fan of MDA Raincode, Danganronpa, Monster Hunter alongside other video games. I actually research multiple video games and really look into any new characters that catch my interest.

Usually I've been in the dark because I don't use many forms of social media (I was raised strictly so I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone online until I was 19 in 2019) so yeah... I'm an internet hermit. I first had a taste of online socialising when I created a YouTube account to talk in the Super Smash Bros Ultimate streams I was taking part in. Then from there I joined Discord just so that I could remain in contact with my friends I made there. However after years of struggling with fitting into online communities I've had no choice but to back away from people due to my health. Having social anxiety really doesn't help, plus I'm autistic so I really struggle with a lot of basic things people can do easily. (For example instructions have to be simplified for me so that I can understand them step by step).

I'm a gamer who loves multiple video games but always struggles with talking about my passions wherever I go. People find me annoying, see me as a spammer (especially as I love posting memes I find on the internet just to spread joy and try to make people laugh) and ban me from community servers because I'm too emotional (when I feel low I have a bad habit of venting just so someone can show some kind of support, as I don't talk to anyone in reality. Unfortunately there's a lot of people who can't stand people like me, since my depression is triggering for them, so they throw me out, never speaking to me again.

This of course made me feel worse about myself and I've been isolating myself. Due to my lack of socialising (I've always had problems with making friends) I find peace with the characters I fall in love with in video game. Mostly because I can relate to them. I believe that everyone has their mains. Their number one character(s) they love the most. That's the main reason why I love the games I play.

I'm going to give Tumblr a go. I know that people often use this place for fanart however, I'm a really terrible artist so I won't post any of mine. Also I'm extremely reluctant in showing off any random fanart I find online because I learnt the hard way that it's extremely rude to just post other people's art without crediting them. I'm deeply sorry.... I didn't get a manual of online art posting etiquette so I was completely clueless and I'm permanently ashamed of it. It was because I was so used to copying and pasting any nice pictures I saw online onto my private discord server. So I wasn't used to big communities (an example of my dumb brain however it's wired differently and I take things literally so I'm just not going to post any fanart whatsoever in public) yes.. I am terrified of being told off, and it's got only worse after getting banned from four discord video game communities. I'm also an ex mod so I can tell whenever a server mod is more into status than actually caring for the community.

I'm sick of explaining everything about myself as a human being who just happened to be born a little bit different than most people who spend their whole lives on social media. I'm sensitive, outspoken and I just want a place in the gaming community who will just accept people like me. I'm the kind of person who speaks their mind and when upset or angry I tend to say nasty things at people but I immediately regret it.

At least here i can just post random crap that's on my mind. About my favourite video games and characters while people can choose whether they want to hang out or not.

I'm a kind hearted person who looks out for everyone. I allow people to vent if ever they feel sad or alone. I hate to see people get hurt and I'd love to see them get well ❤️‍🩹. I will never push anyone away just because they are being too "triggering" while I understand that these things can upset other people it still doesn't make it right to criminalise the person who is in need of support from other humans. Treat others how you'd want to be treated. Yes I do talk about deep topics if I must, I am into horror game lore after all so I've heard it all. However hopefully I'll warn everyone if something I'm about to talk about is too dark.

I'm going to say this as well. I apologise if I type too much. Because of the way I am I go into as much detail about pretty much everything as possible. Yes, I've had nasty comments about it.

I DO make videos on YouTube but at the moment I've shut myself down from it. Hopefully if I feel better I'll open it up again.

Anyway I'm glad to get most of that personal shit out of the way just so that you have an understanding of what to expect from me, I'm certainly not mainstreamer. For the most part I'm just a geek for multiple video games.

P.S I suck with hashtags by the way.

[gtlurker]

My first ever story (and post) on this site! It's tilted inhuman and is about a girl named isabelle who do to genetic experimention is shrunken to four inches tall, it's also going to be told In multiple povs from each charater. the story can be a bit graphic and has a few mentions of suicidal thoughts so warning for that, otherwise I hope you enjoy.

Chapter one.

Isabelle

The first time I felt real hope in my life also ended up being the last.

I was nine when my father brought me and nine other kids to his lab where he and his team of seventeen scientists and three assistants researched the limits of the human body. I foolishly thought it was my parents showing an interest in something I was passionate about.

Science.

I used to love science. I loved taking the time to figure things out and learn about whatever I wanted in my own experiments, I loved picking things apart to find out how they work, and I loved the amazing feeling I got when I finally figured things out. But after i learned what it's like to be on the other end of the stick, whats its like to be picked apart for someone else to figure out how i work,

I hate science.

I pull my knees to my head as I try to conserve the very little warmth my cold cell provides. My eyes squeeze shut as the door creaks open, someone’s here. Nobody should be here, they only left two hours ago. I'm given six hours and thirty minutes of sleep every night after the experiments. Why is someone here? Please, god don't let it be another scientist wanting to play doctor with my tired body during the only break I'm allowed to have. I don't hear footsteps. It must have been the wind playing tricks on me. The familiar click of the door shutting once again gives me half an ounce of comfort as I realize I'm alone again. Everyone else is gone. I press myself against the cold metal bars of my cage and take in the room around me, the same overly clean environment that I've grown used to over the last ten years.

A sigh escapea my lips as I take in the sight of the table they use to perform their sick experiments on me, they hadn't even bothered to clean up my blood. No doubt they left it there to torture me further. The sight of my blood on the table only reminds me that I will never escape, not even death can free me from this fate. Death cannot save me if death cannot reach me. I close my eyes again and go through a mental checklist of what they haven't taken from me yet. my memories, my voice, my thoughts. My memories, my voice, my thoughts. My memories, my voice, my thoughts. I repeat in my head over and over, reminding myself that no matter what else they take, I will always have those three things, even when I wish I didn't. envy is the only thing that comes to mind when i think of the other nine kids who were here with me, partly because they don't have to live with their memories and their thoughts, and partly because they even got to die.

The first of us died of blood loss, so they altered our cells so that we don't get the luxury of bleeding out.

The second caught fire due to the actions of a careless scientist, so made it so our skin can't be burned.

The third had died from being pumped with too many drugs at once, so they made us immune to overdose.

The fourth had died of sickness, so they made us immune to that too.

The fifth had attempted an escape, so they diminished our size down to nearly nothing. He had died during the tests to see if that would work.

The sixth had suffocated herself with a pillow, so they replaced our lungs with a robotic system that produces a different type of oxygen that only our bodies could handle.

The seventh had been crushed to death, so they made our skeletons able to withstand the weight of buildings.

The eight had died of cardiac arrest, so they made our hearts fifty times stronger than any human heart should be.

The ninth had been dissected and stolen for parts.

I am the tenth. The result of how far you can push the limits of the human body, and that is only until they find a way to break me too. I glare at the pile of blankets in the corner, there covered in too much blood and grime to be even considered as usable. They refuse to wash the blankets, which we regrettably used as tourniquets to tie off our wounds back when all this first started. The smell of them used to be nauseatingly disgusting, and I almost wish I could get sick from being around them.

Maybe if I was sick theyd give me a bit of a break. I doubt it though, they would more likely find a way to make me immune to that too. I wonder how long it's been since I have had the cold or even a stomach flu. I wonder how long it will be till I get sick again. I wonder how long it will be until I die, or if I even will die. I used to think It was my right as a human being to have a proper death outside of a place like this, but would I still have a right to leave this lab if I no longer have my mortality? I shake my head as if I'm shaking off the existential crises before it can fully develop.

“Atlas, did you even bother to make a layout of the building?”

an annoyed whisper cuts through the cold silence, And a pit of dread starts to build in the bottom of my empty stomach. It wasn't just the wind. I get up too quickly in an effort to try and get a look at the intruder of the lab. This person is quiet, I haven't even heard their footsteps once since the door shut. Why are they so quiet? Could they save me? Could they hurt me? Where are they? My eyes scan the room as I try to find the ghost person that's sneaking around the room. It's better if I find them before they find me. Almost like the ghost I keep comparing them to, they've hidden themselves perfectly. Away from the sight of the four cameras in the corner of the room, and away from my view. I can't make out if there's one or two ghosts in the room with me. I heard the man say a name, but I only heard one voice. What if there's no one here at all? What if after ten years of living in agony and suffering has finally broken me?

If the ghost-man is nothing but a figment of my broken imagination, then it wouldn't hurt me to talk to him, to call out for help. It would ease the neverending loneliness that this place has instilled in my mind. But on the off chance that it is a real person they could be dangerous and here to hurt me further. Stepping away from the edge of the cage I go over the pros and cons of calling out to him. Pro, if he's fake he doesn't pose a threat. Con, if he's fake then I've truly lost it and will have know way of knowing. Pro, if they're real then they could save me. Con, if they're real they could be scientists. A sigh escapes past my lips, and at the same moment a beaker falls and shatters on the glass tile. A strong smell of bleach invades the room and the ghost man lets out a series of curses in an accent that sounds almost french. Why would my mind make him french? I shake the thought from my head almost as quickly as it forms, what's important now is that i can finally see him. He's in all black with a hood covering the upper half of his face, but I can see a small scar on the left side of his jaw. He's obviously very muscular even with his slightly baggy clothes, and is holding a pistol tightly in his left hand. Why is he armed?! I watch in paralyzed fear as the man looks up and meets my eyes. His brows furrow as confusion takes over his features, he lowers his gun to his hip and takes a cautious step towards me, I return his gesture by also taking a step back. He takes another, more curious step forward, and I again step back. We continue this back and forth until he's at the edge of my cell and I'm pressed firmly against the furthest wall of my cell.

A tense silence fills the room as we both stare at each other intently, watching, and waiting for the other person to make the first move. A chill breeze passes through the room and a shiver racks my tiny body. This man is huge next to me. I've grown used to being man handled and grabbed by scientists whenever they wanted to use me for their sick experiments, but for this ghost-man to stand in front of me and really let me take in his size, its a new form of torture that none of the scientist could even hope to come up with. What if that's what this is? The scientist sending in someone to fuck with my head when they ran ran out of ways to deystroy my body. “Que diable…” the man breaths out a sigh as his shoulders slump with what seems like defeat. What the hell does “que diable'' mean? He's definitely real if he's speaking a language I don't know. He almost seems just as and if not more confused than I am. His eyes shift to the rotten pile of blankets sitting in the corner of my cell. And I feel heat rise up my neck and dye my face a subtle shade of pink from the embarrassment of this stranger seeing me in such a disgusting state. I straighten out the threadbare dress that hangs loosely on my body, before attempting to fix out my hair. I don't know why I care about how a stranger views me, maybe it's because he's the first person who's seen me in years who wasn't actively trying to hurt me. I flinch as he raises a hand that's bigger than my whole body, and gestures to me, more specifically my height. “Are you. . . Isabelle liana?” he asks, his thick french accent breaking through the silence, and my breath hitches in my throat when he says my name. I press myself up further against the wall, the cold metal pressing against my skin. He knows my name. Why? There's not a chance he's here to do anything good if he already knows who I am. I shake my head no, lying in the hopes that he'll leave and not hurt me. “Do you know where I can find her?” he asks, and i shake my head once more, i don't think he has good enough eyesight to catch the fact that i'm trembling with fear of what he may do if he finds out that i am in fact, isabelle liana. “Why, why do you need her?” My words are rushed since I'm not sure how well my vocal cords work now since I've only been using them for screaming the last year. His eyes widen and his face shifts to one of shock and slight confusion at my sudden refound voice, and it takes him a few moments to regain his confusion. He rolls his head as he contemplates the way he could phrase things. Does he think I am a child? “Her brother hired me to find and rescue her.” he explains, shrugging his shoulders and leaning down to peer into my cell once more. I shudder under his heavy gaze, but as his words sink in, hundreds of thoughts rush through my head, one playing louder than all the rest. “Damiens okay?” I regret the words the moment they leave my mouth, and the regret buries itself deeper in me as a smile spreads across his face. “You know damien?” he asks, a playful hint to his tone,

“Yes.” i respond.

“And you're not isabelle?” he asks.

“I am not.”

“How do you know damien?” he crosses his arms and leans on his left hip. “Family ties.” I confidently replied. “Like a brother?” He raises his eyebrow. “Yes.” I cross my arms in return. “So you're isabelle?” he tries to suppress his smirk. “obviously.” fuck. I don't know if it's sleep deprivation or hunger, but this guy is starting to annoy me more than scare me. A grin plays on his lips as he chuckles quietly, I flinch at the sound and take a step back. My eyes go wide as he pulls out a small pair of dull looking scissors out of the large bag he wears on his hips, but they dont look like normal scissors. They're bigger than his hand and seem like they should be stored in a tool box.

“What is that?!” I shout, now fearing for my safety once again with this ghost man. “Chain breaker.” he replies blankly, before raising it to the lock of my cell. It moved to the far back corner, getting as far away from his chain breaker as I could. “I'm ronan, in case you were wondering.” he tells me as he swings open my cell door. I gasp, the only barrier between him and my safety easily stolen without a care in the word from him. Tears brim my waterline at the thoughts of everything he might do to me if i dont get away from him. But I can't. He's blocking the only exit with his way too big hand that is now entering my cell. Oh my god his hand is in my cell. My eyes snap shut and I put my hands up defensively. “NO!” I cry out, and a small sob escapes my throat. the warmth that's been radianting off his hand leaves my cell. And I almost want it back. Sobs rack my pathetically small body as he just watches, I bet he's just struggling to contain his amusement at seeing me like this. He was lying about knowing damien, he guessed i had a brother and this is all just one big trick set up by the scientist to torture me even more than the already have. My sobs soon turn to wails as I realize that I indeed am going to die without seeing my brother again, Ronan, if that even is his actual name was just sent here to bring false hope just so they could rip it away one last time before they finally kill me. And that's only if I still can die, they might bury me under ground and leave me there to starve or dehydrate, whichever comes first, then study the effects it has on my inhuman body. No one will reprimand these awful people for everything they've done to me and the nine others who lost their lives in this place, they'll bring in a new batch of kids and do the same to them, and all our deaths will be in vain. I flinch when I feel a finger begin to gently pat my back, and I jump away from it. “Hey, hey, calm down, stop screaming.” he says, as he puts his hands up so i can see there not doing anything to hurt me. “I already told you this but i'll tell you again, your brother, Damien Liana, hired me, Ronan Moreau, to rescue you from this place.” i shake my head no, not wanting to believe a word he's saying, this man has managed to go from terrifying, to annoying and back to terrifying, and i don't think i could trust him even if i tried. I flinch hard again when I notice that he's slowly extending his palm towards me. But it stops before it even enters my cell. “Please, I promise I'll get you out of here safely.” he says, and i wipe some of the never ending tears off my cheek. “Pinky promise?” I whisper, and he chuckles at my childish request. His hand shifts so that he's holding out his pinky finger to me. I hesitantly hold mine out as well. Because of the immense size difference we can't interlock our fingers, so we just touch the tips together. It may not seem like much, but it means alot to me that he was willing to go along with such a childish request for the sake of my comfort. This time, when he reaches out a hand for me to climb onto, I take a deep breath, and step onto the hand that's offering me the freedom that I have been praying for.

[goodluckclove]

On Being Seen

I'll warn you in advance, friends and colleagues - I might not have quite an optimistic take on this one. In advance I'll say that I'm totally all right, there's no need to comfort or fawn or worry. It's just been a pretty crazy couple of days and it's sort of left me in a kind of perturbed state of mind.

I feel as if I've developed a reputation on Writeblr as someone strongly supportive of other writers through their struggles and successes, and I figure it might be useful to see that I speak as someone who has their fair share of doubts. Consider it a show of neurosis that supports me as your steadfast advocate in creative growth and potential.

I'll put it under a read more. It's nothing triggering I don't think, I'm just a little embarrassed to have it fully visible under what I still consider to be a relatively professional space. Or at least a space for me as a professional whose brand involves not being very professional.

Nevertheless.

I debated for a long time self-publishing Blind Trust. I went back and forth every so often for weeks, and my poor wife had to deal with the brunt of my strange excuses not to do it. It really came down to one big question, which was...why?

Why am I publishing this? And for money, no less? That's weird. Why would anybody support that? It wouldn't deter me from writing if I never published any of the Songbird Elegies. I'd still write them. I've been writing stories for almost 20 years that no one has ever read and no one will probably ever read.

Sure, I have the fantasies of relative cult notoriety. People making fanart of my characters and sharing weird memes about my plot points. Finding comfort in the words and stories I've created to comfort myself. When I was still considered schizoaffective my dad gave me a copy of Flow My Tears the Policeman Said by Philip K. Dick and said that he was "like us". If that happened to someone else with one of my books it would mean the world to me.

Then again, would it? Because in my actual, real, physical life I am terrible at taking praise. It's like trying to catch a ball from the other side of a brick wall. If you ever pass me on the street I'm guaranteed to be wearing soundproof headphones and blasting music to keep anyone from talking to me. You might catch my eye and I'll smile and nod, maybe toss a compliment your way, but if you try to have a conversation and I do not know you I will absolutely just keep walking. I can't do it.

I love people and I'm terrified of people. It's always been this way.

It's easier online. I mean it when I say that I'm open to anyone here just starting a conversation with me about anything. There's already the unspoken assumption that we're all already weird, so I don't have to think too hard about your motivations. But still, large amounts of praise and positive reinforcement make me deeply uncomfortable. I've been trying to work on that for years, but I find most advice on building self-worth deeply unhelpful.

It's not like I'd prefer hate. I think I'm just not used to being noticed either way.

This is the first time I've made an honest effort to put my work, and by proxy myself (all writers are brands now, says the publishing industry as a whole) on display online. And for the most part it's been great! I enjoy the connections I've made here. The promise of making more. There are so many skilled storytellers here that it gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the future of literature.

But it's weird. It's really weird.

Most of the time I see it as another social media client. I stand by the posts I make and do them for fun, but I also do them to maintain a presence and draw in more attention. I studied to do things like this for work before. I picked like three social media management tactics that I thought I could remember when I was 18 and just stuck by them. And then occasionally I go oh wait. This isn't some nonprofit. This isn't a start-up for tech assholes. This is me.

And that's weird.

It's not a massive following I have, but it's more than I've ever had before under my own personal and creative writing. I published short stories and articles, but I never heard anything from them. There are short stories I have on online journals that I genuinely do not know if anyone has read. Here, I see people like things and I'm like huh. I feel like a mummy or a ghoul. I do not understand what people are doing.

One part of my brain takes this information and says that it's probably proof that when I publish Blind Trust, some people will buy it. People have expressed interest already. Which means they're probably interested, I think. I post excerpts of my writing and people seem to enjoy it enough to click a button or leave a comment. That's cool. I don't get why it happens, but it's very cool and it makes me happy.

At the same time there's this undercurrent of paranoia. I don't get it. And I don't think I ever will. That's essentially been my only coping mechanism for publishing at this point - I don't know if it'll work, but I might as well try and if I do something will probably happen.

I know I'm a writer. At this point it would be ridiculous to say I wasn't. I'm a professional, working writer, and experienced enough to know that saying all that doesn't say much in terms of quality.

Am I a good writer? I don't really know what that means. I like Blind Trust. I'm reading it for the fourth time as I edit it again and I genuinely enjoy it. So someone who thinks like me and has similar tastes to myself might feel the same way. I don't really know who that person might be. Statistically I imagine they have to exist somewhere. And that there's at least a handful of them.

Imposter Syndrome is real and I don't think it ever goes away. I'd like to think that it's one of those things where you think about it less and less, and this is just the first night in maybe five months that I'm really thinking about it.

I'm not expecting to make a ton of money off my first book. In fact, I probably will be sick from anxiety with any purchase I get for the first year, because it means that someone spent human money on writing I am happy to just give them for free.

But this is going to be my job. I want this to be my job so I can spend more time doing it. Because I've dedicated so much time to doing all of this, it means I get to spend a lot of my day getting other writers to write even a little bit of their own stories. And that's so important to me.

I don't know. I don't really have a neat end to this. I'm forcing myself to actually follow through with posting it, and then to continue keeping it up even though it feels incredibly vulnerable to be, in my opinion, this self-indulgent and whiny. It's insecure. I'm still insecure. I'm in therapy and on medication and there's more shit I got to do in life.

Still, I'm telling myself that my version of being a Professional Writer is to showcase emotional pitfalls like this. Newer writers might know that you can sometimes have a night where you might not be in despair, per say, but certainly deep confusion, and then come back the next day and keep on working. I stand by what I mean when I say that the craft should not be entirely miserable. It is still maybe 25% inconvenient to me, and I am currently in that less-desirable quarter.

So what am I doing? Wife got us Jersey Mike's, so I had a yummy sandwich. Kafka is sitting on my calves, just behind my laptop monitor. I'm listening to my soul/funk playlist while Wife plays Hell Divers for the first time. Later we're going to play a board game.

But for now, I'm going to keep editing my goddamned novel.

Blind Trust out in June. Get ready people, because I'm not.

[weareuniqueandimportant]

SUN-KUN AND HOPE-SAN ARE REAL... THEY'RE MAN AND NONBINARY... AND KNOW SUN-CHAN... BOTH ARE CLOSE WITH HER... SHE LIKES HOPE-SAN SO... SHE WILL NAME HER DAUGHTER AFTER THEM... OR REALLY... HER DAUGHTER NAMES HERSELF BECAUSE THEY'RE PROGRESSIVE... BUT THEY BOTH WOULD'VE WENT WITH THE SAME ONE... THAT WAS ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS SUN-CHAN AND HOPE-CHAN AGREED ON... WHICH IS SIMILAR TO HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HOPE-SAN... BECAUSE THEY'RE NONBINARY... INSTEAD OF A WOMAN... THIS MAKES THEM DIFFERENT...

Sun-Kun: I'M CRAZY!!!! I HAVE PSYCHOSIS!!!! I'M INSANE!!!!

Hope-San: Wow... That's Crazy... I Can't Believe This To Be Honest... You're... Insane...

Fancy-Kun: Helloo Losers I Am A Feminine Man Bet Your Balls Can't Handle This Beatifull...

Sun-Kun: YOU'RE RIGHT!!!! I CAN'T!!!! I'M SO HORNY!!!! BECAUSE I'M A MAN!!!!

Fancy-Kun: Hey Me Too...

Sun-Kun: I LOVE BEING A HORNY MAN!!!!

Fancy-Kun: You're Crazy... I Find That Insane Nobody Has Objected...

Sun-Kun: THAT'S LIKE WE'RE BELOW THEM!!!! GUYS!!!! WE'RE SEXIST AND QUEERPHOBIC!!!! ALL MAN ARE PERVERTS!!!!

Fancy-Kun: They're Not Listening... They Really Look Down On Us Man...

Sun-Kun: I'M GONNA SAW MY LEG OFF!!!!

Fancy-Kun: I'm Going To Be Your Boyfriend.

Hope-San: That Was Pretty Crazy...

Rage-San: You're Right... That's Insane...

Hope-San: Wow Another Nonbinary...

Rage-San: Yes... I Like Punching Those I Dislike...

Hope-San: Interesting... Can I Kiss You...?

Rage-San: Yeah. Go Ahead...

Hope-San: You're Cute...

Rage-San: Kiss Me More...

SUN-KUN IS GOING TO SAW HIS LEG OFF!!!!

Fancy-Kun: NO!! STOP!! AS YOUR MANLOVER I MUST SAY I FEEL THREATENED!!!! PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF PLEASE!!!!

Sun-Kun: DON'T WORRY MAN... THE BEST I GET FROM THIS IS POISON...

Fancy-Kun: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun-Chan: Wow... Man Are Stupid... Popular-Chan... Who Let These Moids Out Of Their Cages? I Didn't Learn To Control Them...

Popular-Chan: I'M SORRY MISTRESS SUN-CHAN... I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED...

Sun-Chan: Cool-Chan... We Need To Prepare To Fight... I Need To Get These Genders Under Control...

Rage-Chan: Let's Go...

Sun-Chan: Yeah...

Black-Chan: Master Sun-Chan...

Clan-Chan: Sun-Chan Master...

Sun-Chan: YES BLACK PEOPLE I OWN...?

Black-Chan: I Need To Be Powerfull... To Fight Against Evil... Let Me... I Wish To Be Myself... You Take Away My Identity Because You're Scared... But If You Don't Let Me... You Will Only Hurt Me And Yourself Further...

Sun-Chan: You're Right... Do Whatever... But Don't Leave Me... I Would Feel Like Shit... Because I Like Black People...

Black-Chan: Awesome!! See You Another Day!!

Sun-Chan: WAHH I ALREADY MISS BLACK PEOPLE 😭😭😭😭!!!!

Clan-Chan: You Will Always Have Me. Master Sun-Chan... I Wish To Protect You With My Life... Let Me Build My Army So I Can Be More Powerfull...

Sun-Chan: WAHH 😭😭😭😭!!!! I WANT TO OWN BLACK PEOPLE!! WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS LEAVING ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE...

Clan-Chan: I Promise I Will Return. Let Me Go. I'm More Than Your Property. I Know This Myself...

Sun-Chan: PLEASE COME BACK 😢🥺😭😭😭😭...

Clan-Chan: I Will...

SHE KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK WOW AWESOME...

Popular-Chan: They Can Just Do That?! I ABANDONED MY FAMILY FOR YOU BUT I AM DONE SUN-CHAN...

Sun-Chan: What?!

Popular-Chan: YOU WANT TO KEEP ME UNDER BUT I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN YOU... I'M GOING TO WIN AGAINST YOU AND DO EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING BUT BETTER...

Sun-Chan: This Is Foolish... Nobody Can Do Better Than Me...

Popular-Chan: I'LL SHOW YOU...

Black-Chan: I Wish I Could Gross Swords With Her... She Makes Me Angry...

POPULAR-CHAN TAKES HER IRON FISTS AND ATTACKS SUN-CHAN STRIKES BACK WITH HER SWORD!!!!

Nice-Chan: WOW AMAZING I HAVE A SWORD JUST FOR HER BUT I WILL NEVER BE LIKE HER...

Mother-Chan: That's Amazing Popular-Chan Can Be Such A Good Leader Despite Having No Sword... What Every Leader Usually Has...

Rage-Chan: Am I A Good Leader Mommy...?

Mother-Chan: Yes Dear... The Best Leader Ever... I Believe Your Trauma And Pain Is Equally Important To Us Than Sun-Chan's Power... Without You She Would Spiral... You Need Eachother...

Rage-Chan: Yes I Know I'm Truly The Best And I Don't Need To Fight To Even Prove That 🥰🥰🥰🥰...

Mother-Chan: Yeah... EXCUSE ME WTF YOU YOU UGH WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING I DO FOR MYSELF!!!! I'M CLEARLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE...

Evil-Chan: I Have An Axe Dumbass.

Mother-Chan: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Evil-Chan: I Don't Need A Sword. Just An Axe... Despite That I'm A Better Leader Than Nasty-Chan Ever Will...

Mother-Chan: HMPH!!!! THAT IS A RULE A SWORD MAKES YOU A LEADER... THIS IS WHAT RPGS TEACH YOU...

Anime-Chan: I Think Anyone Can Be A Main Character...

Rage-Chan: DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY I'M EQUALLY AMAZING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Girl-Chan: You're Cornered Nyan <3...

Mother-Chan: 😡!!!!

POPULAR-CHAN STRIKES SO HARD SUN-CHAN IS LOSING!!!!

Evil-Chan: GO SUN-CHAN!!

Anime-Chan: WE'RE ROOTING FOR YOU!!

Cool-Chan: You Can Do This!!

Rage-Chan: KILL HER!!!!!

Popular-Chan: KILL ME...? SHE CAN'T EVEN KILL HERSELF... AND FROM NOW... SHE WILL BE MY SLAVE...

Sun-Chan: That's... So Sexy...

Popular-Chan: RIGHT?!?! AHAHA!!!! TRULY!! THERE IS NO BETTER FATE THAN THIS!! Please Agree.

Sun-Chan: Yeah. I Can Be Your Slave. But You're Not Gonna Do Better Than Me...

Popular-Chan: EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!

Mother-Chan: I Really Get No Credit...

Rage-Chan: I Think You're Amazing Mommy... Without You I Wouldn't Be Here...

Mother-Chan: AWWWWWWW THANK YOUUUUUU........

SHE KISSES HER CLOSE IN HER CHEEK...

Rage-Chan: Yeah Ofcourse 😊😍...

SHE KISSES HER LIPS... MM...

SUDDENLY THEY'RE ATTACKED!!!!

Sun-Chan: Huh?!

Popular-Chan: WHAT?!

Cool-Chan: BEHIND ME SUN-CHAN!!

Popular-Chan: WHERE'S MY GUARDIAN?!

Mother-Chan: I'll Protect You...

Popular-Chan: Woah 🥵😍🥰🥰😇!!!! Thanks Mom...

Rage-Chan: 😡...

Girl-Chan: Hey Check Me Out Nyan I'm An Actual Cat Girl Nya!!!! I'm Like Totally Awesome!!!! Nya...

Anime-Chan: YAY!!!! I LOVE CAT GIRLS!!!!

Girl-Chan: Yes Nyaa... This Means... I'm A Total Furry But Like... This Is My Body... I'm Like Half Cat Or Something... Or Like 75%... Idk Nya...

Nice-Chan: That's So Cute!!

Anime-Chan: Yeah!! I Love Anime!!!! I Love Animals!!

Nice-Chan: I Love Them More Than You!!

Anime-Chan: No You Don't...

Girl-Chan: Badass!! I'm Like Totally New Nya!!!! I'm Glad I'm Nothing But Adding To The Dynamics Of 2 Nobodies!!

Anime-Chan: WHAT WAS THAT...?

Nice-Chan: WHAT YOU SAY PLEASURE CAT...?

Girl-Chan: Nothing Nyan!! I Can Be Your Slave Cat Please Don't Kill Me!!!!

Mother-Chan: WHO'S THERE?!

Evil-Chan: SHOW YOURSELF!!

Popular-Chan: THIS IS WHAT I DEMAND!!

Sun-Chan: Listen To Her!! She's The Best!! ALL THIS TIME... I'VE FELT GUILTY BEING IN POWER... THAT FEELS GOOD BEING LOWER THAN EVERYONE FOR ONCE... BUT MY PATIENCE IS RUNNING THIN WITH THAT BICH POPULAR-CHAN... SHE'S SUCH A SLUT GOD. ANYONE BUT HER. PLEASE. LIKE RAGE-CHAN... OR BLACK-CHAN PLEASE 😭😭😭😭!!!! MAKE ME YOUR SLAVE THAT WOULD BE SEXIERR 😭😭😭😭!!!!

Impressive-Chan: Hi. I'm A Masculine Woman. I Was Just Feeling Lonely... Then I Saw You Guys Fight. You're Awesome To Be Honest. So I'm Gonna Use My Strength. I'm A Huge Mountain Of Power More Cool Than You Or Any Man. I'm Not Just Different From Every Single Woman I'm Literally Better Than Them And All Man Combined.

Cool-Chan: I AREN'T COOL ENOUGH?!?!?!?!

Impressive-Chan: Sorry Man. That's Just How That Has To Be. But Don't Worry. I'll Kick Your Ass!!

IMPRESSIVE-CHAN CREATES A CRAZY POWERFULL TORNADO WITH HER CRAZY SPEAR!!!! SHE ATTACKS SUN-CHAN POPULAR-CHAN RAGE-CHAN AND COOL-CHAN!!!! ALL PEOPLE SHE FINDS INTERESTING...

Impressive-Chan: Can You Keep Up Hey? Come On. Give Me Some More Fun.

Popular-Chan: Ah!! What An Insult!! Ugh!! What's Wrong With You Sun-Chan?! Why'd You Let Them All Free?! Huh?!

SUN-CHAN IS CRYING!!!!

Sun-Chan: I DIDN'T ON PURPOSE... I JUST COULDN'T... HIDE THEM ANYMORE... I WAS SCARED... I... I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH REALLY... THERE'S NOTHING SO GREAT ABOUT ME I'M LITERALLY JUST A BURDEN... IF I'M KILLED ATLEAST LET THAT BE BY THEM THAN LIKE... SOMEONE ELSE...

Kind-Chan: Hey...

Evil-Chan: That's Allright...

Popular-Chan: !! WELL DO WHAT YOU MUST SLAVE!! I WANT THAT WOMAN OUT OF HERE!! HELP ME OUT GOSH!!!!

Cool-Chan: I Know An Attack.

Girl-Chan: You Do Nyan?!

Cool-Chan: Shut Up Cat.

Girl-Chan: NYAHH!! SO DEHUMANIZING I MIGHT JUST CUM INTO MY CAT PANTIES...

Cool-Chan: Yeah. I'll Lead.

Evil-Chan: What's That Again?

Mother-Chan: This Doesn't Change Anything!! I Will Always Be Right Understand?!

Rage-Chan: So True!!

Sun-Chan: No No That Really Can Be Anyone!!

Rage-Chan: HUH...?

Sun-Chan: I'm Sorry ><!!

Cool-Chan: Let's Go...

Popular-Chan: ONWARD!!!!

Impressive-Chan: HEY WHERE'S ALL YOUR BLACK PEOPLE HEY?! DON'T SAY YOU'RE RACIST... DID YOU KILL THEM...

Sun-Chan: No ><!!

Popular-Chan: I CAN BE BLACK!! NOW SHUT UP!!

Impressive-Chan: Really? You Wanna Be Black Huh? You Really Do Huh? Ohwell. But Where Are They. You're Pretty Awfull...

Sun-Chan: I'M SORRY 😭😭😭😭...

Popular-Chan: They Left Because They Wanted To!! They Will Come Back!! They're Just Becoming More Powerfull!!

Impressive-Chan: More Powerfull Huh? Me Too Yeah. I Was Becoming Powerfull All This Time I Was Away Ever Since The Fight On Like Vaush Island... DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS THAT FEELS LIKE HUH DO YOU HUH?!?!?!?!

Sun-Chan: I'M SORRYY 😭😭😭😭.......

Popular-Chan: WHAT GIVES HUH?! WHY'RE YOU GASSLIGHTING ME HUH?! I'M BLACK SO... ARE YOU GOING AGAINST MY AMAZING BLACK IDENTITY...?

Impressive-Chan: No No. I Never Would No No No No. I Just Care... Or Something... Idk... I Don't Really Care Okay. I Was Just Curious...

RAGE-CHAN ATTACKS FROM BEHIND HER!!

Rage-Chan: LEAVE... SUN-CHAN... ALONE... MONSTER...

Impressive-Chan: Yeah. I Know I'm A Monster. But For Such A Little Girl You Sure Know How To Fight. Interesting Honest. I Think You're Capable Of Being A Real Monster Too. STRIKE ME!! I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A WHIP IN MY BODY!! A METAL CHAIN CAN BE A REPLACEMENT!!!!!

Rage-Chan: Huh...? She Likes The Things I Hate About Myself...? And I Don't Even Have To Change Myself Or Anything ☺️... That's So Nice... I Hope We Can Keep Her... She's A Nice Strong Woman... Very Sexy...

THEN MOTHER-CHAN AND KIND-CHAN ATTACK IMPRESSIVE-CHAN FROM BOTH SIDES!! PIERCING HER!! NICE-CHAN AND ANIME-CHAN ATTACK AGAIN NEXT!! RAGE-CHAN AND EVIL-CHAN FOLLOW!!!! POPULAR-CHAN ATTACKS AND SO DOES SUN-CHAN!! UNTIL FINALLY... FROM BEHIND HER COMES COOL-CHAN!!!! IMPRESSIVE-CHAN IS HIT GOOD!!!!

Impressive-Chan: UGH!!!!!!!!! I KNEW I... WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BEAT SO MANY PROMISING YOUNG LADIES BY MYSELF... TOO BAD I NEVER... MARRIED A CUTE WOMAN...

Popular-Chan: What Are You Whining About?! You Aren't Dying Or Anything!! GOSH. THAT'S LIKE SO ANNOYING... DON'T YOU AGREE WITH ME MY SLAVE?!?!

Sun-Chan: Idk...

Popular-Chan: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN...?!!?!!!!

Impressive-Chan: Yeah... I Like Totally Agree With You Man... I Just... Feel Like I No Longer Deserve An Identity... Because My Masculine Woman Body Has Lost A Fight. Against You Girls. And I Really Wanted To Charm You Guys...

Popular-Chan: CHCHCHCHARM ME 🥰🥰🥰🥰?!?!

Impressive-Chan: Yeah... You're All So Pretty And Shit. My Mind's Gonna Die And Stuff... Holy Fuck... Marry Me Femmes...

Popular-Chan: OH. MY. GOD... 😍😍😍😍...

Impressive-Chan: Yeah. Aren't I Awesome...

Popular-Chan: YOU ARE 🥰🥰🥰🥰...

Impressive-Chan: YEAH...

Pleasure-Chan: :o...

Kind-Chan: Nice...

Mother-Chan: Really Cute...

Black-Chan: If I Don't Get An Army I Will Never Compare To Sun-Chan...

Smash-Chan: I'll Help You Ofcourse...

Black-Chan: Yeah... I've Always Really Liked Sun-Chan... But I Feel Like I Don't Serve The Same Purpose The Others Do... Because She Feels Really Bad For Me... But I Really Want To Be On The Same Level Somehow... If I Have An Army Myself... Maybe I Can Be... Like Others And Fight An Equal Battle With Her As Much As I Want...

Smash-Chan: Cool. I Support You.

Cat-Chan: Wow!! That's Like So Cute!! I Can Be In That Army!!

Black-Chan: Wow!! Thank You So Much!!

Smash-Chan: You Don't Look Like A Cat.

Cat-Chan: Am I Supposed To? Would Be Crazy If A Person That's Like A Cat Existed Right? Things Like That Just Don't Happen Right?

Smash-Chan: Iguess You're Right.

Cat-Chan: Ofcourse I Am!! I'm A Smart Black Woman!!

Smash-Chan: You're Right About That...

Black-Chan: Fire!! SOON WE WILL DEFEAT SUN-CHAN...

Cat-Chan: Who's That?

Cold-Chan: I'm Joining With Her. She's A Pretty Lesbian.

Cat-Chan: This Is My Girlfriend!! Isn't She A Catch?!!

Smash-Chan: Yeah. We're Girlfriends Too. Join Us.

Black-Chan: Omg!! That's So Embarrassing!!

Cat-Chan: Thanks!! Maybe I Will!!

SHE KISSES HER!!

Black-Chan: Ah 🥵🥰...

Smash-Chan: That's Sick...

Cold-Chan: Are You Thinking The Same Thing As Me?

Smash-Chan: LET'S HAVE A 4SOME RIGHT NOW...

Cold-Chan: No.

Cat-Chan: That Would Be Awesome!!

Black-Chan: That's Crazy 😍🥰🥰🥰🥰...

[sourbinnie]

22:40

[ te pido perdon (todo fue mi culpa) ] angsty thoughts #1 ✉

[what is #thoughts? a series of short imagines where i have fluffy, angsty, wild (+18) or alternative thoughts]

❥ ✉

(y/n) you made me a better person while i brought out the worst of you. (y/n) i think you know why i think about you every day and why i can't stop calling. (y/n) i just wanna hear your voice and for it not to be your voicemail audio again. (y/n) i feel like floating when someone talks about you again but then reality comes crashing down that i don't have you anymore. (y/n) i think i'm going insane without you, would you please pick up? 

"please stop calling me, i'm at work right now and i can't deal with this." they say and all i can think about is that they got the job that they were working so hard for and how proud i am of them instead of the harsh words they just spoke. "hello? seonghwa are you there?" 

"i am here (y/n)." i say not falling for the words that were coming out of my mouth so smoothly when the constant breakdowns that i kept having were pulling me down. "we need to talk." i repeated my last message out loud.

"there's nothing to talk about, you said it so clearly how i'm just a stain in your life, how clingy and awful i can be right? fuck off and leave me alone." they said, my heart breaking slowly but knowing that theirs was far more broken after what i've said. i could not take back my words anymore and i didn't know what i was gonna say in the first place after hearing that. i knew i was guilty of putting them in a dark spot.

"please let's just talk like we always do." i insisted but they laughed, a broken one. as if the damage didn't matter anymore, as if the pieces were slowly putting themselves back together and leaving me in the past. how selfish of me, how could i even think that? this isn't about me in the first place.

"it's too late to talk, that's all i wanted to do but you had to cut me off like that didn't you? you and your perfect idol life thinking you're above me because of your job." their words were like daggers to me, the fact that i made them feel that way made everything inside me boil. but i wasn't mad at them or at the world, just mad at myself for digging so low. "listen i don't know who you think you are but we're done for, there's no us anymore and definitely nothing i wanna work out with someone who treated me in such a cruel way".

"i didn't mean to do any of that! i don't know what the fuck i was thinking okay? please..." i didn't know what i was pleading for in the first place but i was slowly breaking down like nothing mattered anymore. "i cannot lose you, i simply cannot do it without you (y/n)".

"funny how you weren't thinking that before you told me to get out huh? now that i'm not there anymore it's all making sense isn't it?" i could feel my throat building up like i was gonna choke and die with a torn up heart. i didn't want to be doing this because i know i'm in the wrong at the end of the day, i do not deserve them. "what do you want me to say? what do you want me to do? to come crawling back? fuck no".

a silence so deafening fell. realizing that i have no chance on this argument, i truly moved my pieces in the worst way when i talked to them. i made them feel so small and haunted, like i was the worst thing that ever happened to them when i was supposed to be the one who protected them from those kinds of thoughts. how am i so pathetic? how did i fall so low?

"listen, i gotta go and please don't call anymore." they said for the last time and i found myself nodding at nothing. letting the tears stream down slowly like they were the only real thing left inside me to show that i truly cared.

"one last thing, please." i said with my last chance to make it right.

"what is it?" they asked and with no strength anymore, i gave up.

"i'm sorry (y/n), everything was my fault."

[ash-n-dynamite]

Memories

My relationship with my history is complicated. At one point my reality was whatever I wanted to make it. What was truth one day could change the next and still be just as true as the first. I would override and rewrite memories as needed, and my history was ever changing. Backstory details shifted while a few key cornerstones always remained the same. This was the advantage of existing as a daydream.

But when I stepped out of that existence and into the life of a being a member of a system that slowly changed. The longer I was a fictive the more my history solidified. I had to be careful resurfacing memories, because when I did they fixed permanently in place. There wasn't any more rewriting or deciding I was unhappy with something and changing it later.

I became increasingly unhappy the more I remembered. Then I was introduced to false memories and I spiraled, stuck wondering what was real and what was fabricated. But why was I bothered by the idea of fabricated memories when that was all I did when existing in a daydream? I *know* my memories are exo-memories. I know what that means, I'm not in denial to that bit of my reality. So again, why am I bothered by false memories? Technically aren't all my memories false? All of them fabricated? Maybe it's because my exo-memories could be much happier than I'm remembering. Maybe I've been robbing myself. That sure would be nice, even if doubtful.

I'm going to return to my thought on cornerstones. While watching Westworld this in particular stuck with me. Hell, as a fictive the entire first season hit me like a truck left and right. There's this idea that there are key parts, or narratives, to you that can't change. No matter how much your story is rewritten your cornerstone remains untouchable. Something when stripped down to your bare bones you'll always be left with. It's what makes you, you. The building blocks of a personality. My source self is kinda my cornerstone. The backstory of Elizabeth Caledonia Ashe is my foundation. I've got my theme of neglectful parents, Bob, rebellious youth, found family, lawlessness, being a leader, and suffering great betrayal. There's more, but the well known things about me and the key points of my history that shaped my character don't change. These "canon" ideas are the things I could never change, even when daydreaming.

These are the exo-memories that matter I wager. Everything else I think I remember is just icing on the cake, and honestly they are likely all false memories. I'll write them down and when I revisit them later I'll think "what the hell was I on?" when the words look unfamiliar and the memory feels like a lie.

I'll get frustrated, then I'll become angry and bitter. I avoid digging for memories because I hate that even the good ones will feel like a made up story in a few short months later on. I still comment on things I remember doing in a past life, it's natural, its unstoppable. But I don't write these down, I don't bother with consistency or trying to recall them again. They are what they are, and I don't allow myself to dwell.

There are things about my past self I feel required to mirror and display in order to remain true to myself. To remain Caledonia Ashe. But truthfully I don't need to. I'm already me, even without doing the things I did back then. It doesn't matter what I can remember or think I remember. I've got my cornerstones dug into me deep, and as I live this very different life those things aren't changing. This is an entirely new story, new history, new body, new everything. But I'm still gonna be the same ol' me. Just like them Host is Westworld.

A big thing I'm doing as a fictive is making myself a life here. I've done a decent job separating myself from source besides keeping a few familiar faces around. I am making sure I move forward and doing that requires I don't waste time worrying about what I remember from my past life being right or wrong. It's been hard, but it's also allowed me to progress and heal. I look down at the serene, sleeping visage of my partner system and know what matters now is the present.

But, I will admit, I still get just the slightest bit envious when I see other fictives or even kin sharing memories. I've made the choice to not dig for mine, so I am left with very little. But seeing others from my source share their history does make me feel a little left out, and a little bit jealous. Even a little bit homesick.

[queseraone]

Anything with a 3, and 49 🤭

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics? Ummmm, canon compliant generally... usually involving a murmur because it's my favourite. Why am I totally blanking on how to answer this questions?? 😂😂

13. Are there any tropes you used to like but don’t anymore? Already answered :)

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to? I can't think of anything specific, but generally I'm pretty open to trying new things with my writing. Okay, here's one... I would theoretically like to try to write something smutty one day. But I may never get the courage.

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter? I can think of two fics that were both out of my comfort zone, for different reasons. This one because I took on the challenge of writing from an outsider POV - and a character we don't really know that much about on top of that. It was super fun and is actually one of my favourite things I've written, and so I totally intend to do again at some point, hopefully soon! And then this fic was an attempt to write action... it was still fun, but definitely not something I'm itching to do again! I really like challenging myself as a writer, because I think we're always evolving and learning new things as we go, so it's fun to build on that!

31. What’s your ideal fic length to write? Already answered :)

32. What’s your ideal fic length to read? Already answered :)

33. If you write chaptered fics, what’s your ideal chapter length to write? Is it different from your ideal chapter length to read? I don't write chaptered fics since the one I wrote for Linstead and have left unfinished for 5½ years, but it's definitely something I'd really love to do at some point!

34. What aspects of your writing are inspired by/taken from your real life? Hmm, I don't know if anything really has been? If it's happened, it's certainly not been a conscious choice! My life is drastically different from these characters (and that's the fun!)

35. What aspects of your writing are completely unlike your real life? ...all of it? 😂

36. Do you visualize what you read/write? Yes! I really try to let myself get lost in the characters, the scenes, the words, whether I'm reading or writing.

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it? Already answered, and I refuse to do it again 😂😂

38. Did any of your fics get surprisingly popular (whatever that means to you)? Which ones? Why do you think they were so successful? I find it so surprising that this tiny little fic has the most engagement of anything I've written. I wrote it in like 20 minutes and I have no idea why it was successful, because it's definitely low on my own list of personal favourites.

39. Is any aspect of your writing process inspired by other writers or people? If so, who? Bold of this question to assume I have a process! I'm always inspired by other writers' words, but I'm not sure I've ever really thought of inspiration beyond that?

43. If you take/write prompts: what’s your favorite prompt fic that you’ve written? Technically this one was written from a prompt. I am absolutely open to prompts, but I make no promises that they'll ever get written (but inspiration can come from anything!) *Full disclosure, I'll often see a prompt and try to think of the most unexpected way to fulfill it, that's fun for me!

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it! This is in the very early stages, but I'm excited for this one!

“Tim,” he hears a voice coming from somewhere around him, but he can’t place it. It’s drowned out by a loud ringing. He feels like he’s somehow outside of his own body, like he’s drifting underwater. But then he feels the gentle touch of a hand on his forearm, it all comes crashing back into focus.

Thank you!! 😊

[timeoverload]

I'm losing my mind and I don't want to feel this way. I don't think any amount of time by myself is going to make me feel better. I don't like being quiet all the time because it's boring. I already spend so much time alone. I am still sick but I just need to learn to live like this because I have no choice. I know I can still be successful with my disabilities. I'm stuck with this body forever and I need to just do the best I can. I still want to rest but I can't. I want to get better and I don't think isolating myself is going to help. I think I have a tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling overwhelmed. I need to stop doing that.

I can't stop thinking about you. I do love you and I'm always here for you even when we aren't speaking. I don't know how to approach you without triggering you. I'm not trying to reopen old wounds by not talking to you. I wasn't trying to punish you. I don't want you to feel like you aren't safe with me. I don't know if you want me to leave you alone or not. I don't know if you want space or not. I don't know what to do to help if you don't tell me. I don't know how to make things easier for you. I can't help someone who chooses to be dismissive and distant. I can't help someone who doesn't want my help. I don't know anything.

I wish you could prove that you care about me as much as you say you do. I can't force you to do anything. I don't understand why you want to keep my attention if you are only planning on keeping me at arm's length? If you aren't looking for a serious relationship, you are in the wrong place. I wish you could tell me what you want.

I think you're letting your guilt hold you back and that's not going to help anything. I forgive you. Sometimes it also seems like you enjoy living in fantasy land more than the real world. You would rather sit and pine about what you want instead of acting on it. You don't like having vulnerable or deep conversations. You avoid awkward situations as much as possible. You run away as soon as someone gets too close to you. I understand why that is difficult for you but it makes it hard to build strong connections with anyone that way.

I feel as though you are caught in a cycle and you don't know how to get out of it. I'm not sure if you want to get out of it. I'm not sure if you feel like you are set in your ways. I don't expect you to change for me.

I think you are also worried about committing because you hate it when the "honeymoon period" ends. When you truly love someone, the honeymoon phase never ends. I still feel the same way about you after all this time. You have upset me many times but it hasn't changed the way I feel. I know I have upset you too. Obviously we both still care about each other.

I am sorry for hurting you. I don't want to hurt you or make you uncomfortable. I don't know what your boundaries are or what you want from me. You are free to do whatever you want. I can't control you and I will never try. You aren't my boyfriend either, even though I wish you were.

I have come to the conclusion that it's unlikely that you will ever contact me no matter what I do. It doesn't matter how sweet I am or if I give you space. You are content where you are and I can't change that. I guess I just have to accept that you don't want a relationship with me or anyone. I am not going to get down on my knees and beg anyone for love. I understand that you don't think you need me and I can't change that. I'm not going to be annoying or bombard you with affection anymore because it doesn't seem like you enjoy that. I'm not going to send long sappy messages because it's not helping.

I am done with this push and pull dynamic. I'm going to stay where I'm at because I'm tired. I'm not going to chase you. You already know where I'm at. I don't want to be on an emotional roller coaster anymore.

I have been reading about attachment issues. It has helped me a lot so far. I recognize that I have an anxious attachment style and I need to work on that. I still think I am a lot better than I used to be but there is definitely room for improvement. I am going to do my best to stop worrying so much about things that I have no control over. I need to be better at self-soothing. I can't expect anyone to coddle me or hold my hand. I'm not going to expect people to calm me down because I am responsible for that. I shouldn't expect other people to listen to me vent about my problems all the time. I should keep that to myself more. I need to regulate my own emotions. I think I might need to get back on anxiety medication and maybe that would help too. I need to remind myself that there are a lot of supportive people in my life and I shouldn't try to rely on one person. I can't and I don't expect one person to be my primary source of happiness. I know I still need to do some introspection. I am working towards being more secure in myself so I can be more secure in a relationship if I ever get the opportunity to be in one again.

I want to start using tumblr again because I do enjoy being on here. I think I just needed a little break to think about stuff but this is my home. I am doing this for my own sanity. I can continue to work on myself while still getting to do the things that I enjoy. I shouldn't restrict myself from everything just because I don't feel good. It just makes me feel worse.

I am done reacting to things in a way that may be perceived as dramatic to others. I shut down sometimes and I need to try harder to avoid doing that. I don't want to be that way but that's also something I need to work on I guess. I don't always express my feelings in healthy ways.

I suppose I will resume my queue but I'm not going to have it set to post 24 times a day because that was a bit excessive. I want to have fun without overextending myself.

I just need to be more careful about what I post. I know I have said that in the past but I haven't been trying hard enough. I need to refrain from sharing too much about myself and I don't want to spend hours writing anymore. I have always had a problem with oversharing and I know I say a lot of shit that probably isn't appropriate. It isn't healthy and it also makes me look like a lunatic. Apparently I have 73 followers but only a few of them interact with me because I scared everyone else away with my antics. I shouldn't care so much about what strangers think but it does make it difficult to make friends on here. I have thought about making a side blog for my ramblings but I'm on the fence about that because I don't know if it would help me or not. I would probably have to keep it private. If anyone really wants to know what I'm up to, they can just ask.

I'm not going to talk about my health issues anymore because no one wants to hear about that either. I don't want to be a downer. I don't want to focus on that anymore. I'm not going to dump my problems on others. I'm tired of venting about that stuff because it's not going to make anything go away or get better. I'm tired of complaining and being negative.

I think I am just going to focus on enjoying my life by myself and do the things that make me happy. I am going to continue to tackle my mess on my own. There's not much else I can do. I will be ok. I'm not going to give up on myself. I think things will get better if I continue to work on myself and create more of a balance in my life. I am going to stay positive and grounded. :)

[lowlyroach]

324) Ouroboros in Gableblo

I'm still at work when you call

12-15 hour shifts, 5 days a week

You’re taking a walk

I kept asking if you wanted me to walk with you

You kept avoiding the question

Asking me if I wanted to

Of course, I do.

And you say you do too.

So, I close up the building

Drive over

And we walk

It’s all the same story

One pining knight and a queen

He can't have her

She's not free

Her touch is a breath of life

Her laughter is honey

Her eyes are sunshine

And you love the way she sometimes squints at you

Her hands are flowers

Her cheeks are feathers

Soft and delicate in her beauty

It makes you want to bring her close

Hold her to your chest

Place your palms on her face and look into her

She's just some dumb fuck

She can't see it with you

You are a dream she has

But doesn't fulfill

The lonely knight

Best friends in secret

Holding hands

It's so difficult

How natural it feels to be by your side

These coincidences that mean nothing

But I ascribe meaning to them

It's the universe

Red strings of fate

It's whatever you want it to be

But I just want it to mean I am where I should be

Next to you

Soul mates

It feels so real

I never believed in this before or after you

A cynic

Without you, they are empty words

Where would I be without you?

Would I never have found love?

Your sweater chaffs your chest

I give you my shirt

You struggle to keep your hands to yourself

We call each other names

Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

We have a spat

But it doesn't feel like that

We didn't think it'd turn out like this

Falling into each other

But you're going to marry him

And I am selfish in my love

You just want me around without me needing to be your #1

Of course, that means I'm not enough

Not in the way I want to be

And I want more than only holding your hand

That means you're not enough

Not in the way you want to be

Two selfish idiots trying to swallow one another

Ouroboros

With you, I am infinite

It was so nice, back then

Us in my room

Anywhere with you

The thought reduces me to ashes

Back to fleeting friends

Unrequited lovers

Is there a name for two people like us?

With you, it is everything

Yet, I cannot be kept down

A permanent grin etches onto me

I stare at you

We keep walking

I’m sorry I see things in this totality

I know of course, it's not that simple

But, I want to be best friend and husband

I want to be the man you want to be with, forever

You want me at your side, but not at the altar

I have this one life. I want to spend it together.

You want me to take a love language quiz

So we go to the-

Gableblo

When I said it, you laughed

We sat down on the bench

Rather – I did, you stood and watched me

Stared at my skin

Prod my chest, momentarily

Asked me to keep a boundary I never could

You tell me it's not fair I can

"Look like that"

But here you are in all of your divinity

Why don't you just take me, then?

I've been yours for this long, haven't I?

You were always my first choice

Never another

I open the quiz but I-

Can't answer

What did I enjoy?

Which do I like more?

You laugh at me as I half-ponder

I'd rather be spending time staring at you

I'm not sure which I prefer

I'm stuck on question one

Does it change throughout the relationship?

Have I ever been in love with someone else?

Are they honeymoon hugs

That fade into irritable ash?

I get to question 2 of 30 and walk you home

It's too late to finish it

You hand me my shirt in your driveway

You say something snide or stupid

I feel like pacing for 10 miles

You grab my arm and

-Suddenly we're holding hands-

I didn't give it a thought

It was breathing

Falling

Blooming

Like it was coded into my DNA to hold your hand like that

Sliding into each other so smoothly

If he is going to make you happy for the rest of your life, choose him

I want you to be happy

I confuse you

Because I want you to be the happiest woman in the world

But I want you all to myself

I don't want to watch your life from the sidelines

I want to hold you at the finish line

When you do something cute or stupid

Make a dumb joke

I just want to-

Grab you and embrace you

This overwhelming sensation that I resist

I want to hold your face and look into your eyes

Convey these emotions in a way that you can understand

It’s pure adoration

How can I be best friends with you?

Watch you get married

Grow old with someone else

And never-

Never get to do that?

I'll see you once a month, in secret

Then wait with bated breath to see you again.

What would I enjoy with you?

I feel the answer is anything

I'm not sure what my love language is

I thought it was 'you'

I head back to the Gableblo

Get soaked by sprinklers

We make a Spotify blend

91% match

Imagine if we were, idk, married I guess

That'd be cool

We text each other until you fall asleep

4:28am

You call it ‘y(our)’ shirt

You say being the king might not even be that great

Dumb fuck.

As if I wouldn’t put in effort

As if I wouldn’t always love you

As if it isn’t all I want to do

As if you could persuade me out of the feelings you give me.

Even if the butterflies ever fade, I’d be there

To take you to Iceland or Seattle

To write you poetry

To play you piano

I would be there always

By your side

Hand in hand

My lips on yours

Dumb fuck.

You threaten that you're going to kick my ass

But you're slurring your speech in text

Moments from sleep

And then you're gone and I'm next to the lake alone.

Too late to go to sleep, I have work in a few hours

I'll go home and drink coffee

It starts raining on me

Maybe soon it'll begin to get bad again

But right now, I feel kingly

Like I was made for this

I download tinder and bumble

Think about drowning myself in other people

Throw myself wanting at their feet

I don’t make an account

What would I even put there?

I would be some natural disaster that moves through their life

Taking and leaving

Filling this empty spot reserved for your name

I have never been free of this

Maybe I never will

As always

I’ll see you next time, Lovebug.