#why does my relationship with making art is tied to almost only negative feelings

[sunrise-on-the-shore]

i remember when i had fun writing. wild times.

[kjmsupremacist]

Felix sweet boy baby angel but Christopher Bang is literally Satan? Idk if you saw but Hyunjin ratted him out on live and said the lyrics for Red Light were toned down. I don’t want to know. I don’t. He was already talking about edging and I don’t want to know. He can keep his Scorpio Venus and his Sag Mars away from me and everyone I love. I would give anything to know his rising if sign. It’s giving Earth but there’s so much air in his chart it’s hard to be sure. 🤖

i am so happy you sent me this ask because i have been looking for an excuse to talk about red lights. I sent leon and margot a seven minute long voice message when i was doing my research for my red lights-inspired fic like that's where i'm at.

First, yes, I saw Hyunjin's comments! that's what chris gets for trying to say hyunjin wrote all the lyrics in the first place. nice try, chris. also, his scorpio venus is SEXY. i won't be taking criticism on this opinion.

Now. Please see under the cut if you want to watch me dissect Red Lights -- both the lyrics and the MV.

so, credit where credit's due--I skimmed this and this reddit posts while I was doing my research.

now. we all know that on the surface, this song is about sex (and specifically bondage and edging—that much is clear). but, ah, how's the saying go? "everything is about sex except for sex, which is about power"? sure.

yeah, it's meant to be sexy. they did that for us and im still not sure if I want to kill them for it or thank them with my life. BUT, as they mentioned in the howl in harmony video, it's primarily a song about obsession.

The first reddit post does a great (albeit kind of aggressive) breakdown of the lyrics, where it becomes really clear that they're talking about the relationship they have with their work and the relationship they have with fans. In essence, the song is about how they want to give their lives and all their time to making more content for fans so that they will continue to receive love from us. The red lights are actually the recording light on a camera (hence the line “set the mic up”).

And so a relationship like the one depicted here is dark and intense, and yes—passionate and driven by love—but ultimately, it consumes itself in the vortex of its own desire, and then peters out into a sort of blank monotony—learned through repetition, a habitual reflex instead of a true reaction.

Then, the second reddit post goes on a deep dive of some of the symbolism seen in the MV—specifically, the use of kink. This is where it gets really fun.

We mostly see Hyunjin in shibari-style bondage. OP posits (and I agree) that he is meant to represent passion without discipline. The shibari ropes are tied messily (and so therefore dangerously) which is perfect for representing how often kink (and other obsessions) can devolve—you plunge in headfirst, but you are directionless except for the insistent tug in your gut that cries for more, more.

Chan, on the other hand, is seen primarily (esp in solo scenes) bound by heavy chains. He represents discipline with no passion. In the Howl in Harmony video, I believe he mentions that after a long day of practice, he'll still find himself in the recording studio, even though he's tired. He does what he has to on autopilot, because he knows he must, because it’s the only thing he feels he can do.

If Hyunjin is mania, then Chan is depression. The chains are GREAT symbolism because this dutiful march towards burnout and beyond is, as the lyrics suggest, stemming from a desire to keep receiving love (from fans)—that if you just work hard enough then no one will ever leave you. You wish to bind the person (or people) you love to you, but in the end the bonds only weigh you down.

So then the part where they’re tied together, back to back, at the end, shows when passion and discipline come into balance. And that’s creation for the love of creation while still maintaining a respect for yourself, the art, and your audience. (or idk. maybe they just thought we'd like to see them tied to one another. and they were right).

It's also fun because while we see Hyunjin and Chan both assume positions of domination and submission, it's clear Chan is meant to be the “dominant force” here (hence discipline). The reason we do see instances of Hyunjin in power (choking Chan, standing over him on the table) is because any somewhat healthy d/s relationship involves first the surrender of power. The dom is only perceived to be in power because the sub first relinquishes it them. So. You know.

I will say I'm not sure what to say about the edging theme (BNKSJDF) besides the obvious—almost giving you what you want, but not quite.

And finally, this is not part of either of those two reddit posts, but I was ENTHRALLED by the use of mirror and mirror-esque imagery throughout the MV and in the choreo. I love mirrors as a symbol so we're going to talk about that, too.

First and most obviously, it may be a bit on the nose. In art, mirrors and reflections are often used to show that there is a deeper meaning than what is clear on the surface. So this might have just been hyunchan going "hey! it's not just about sex!"

but I think there's more to it than that. Mirrors are often used as a vessel of truth—in some Chinese myths, for example, mirrors can repel demons, as they will show a demon’s true form. Or see the Little Mermaid—though Ursula managed to change her outward appearance, she was caught in her lie when another character (sebastian, i think?) saw her reflection in the mirror.

Additionally, one’s reflection used to be thought to contain one’s soul—which is why mirrors were covered in the home of person who had just passed, so they would not be trapped as a ghost in the world of the living.

For this reason, mirrors are often also considered dangerous. Think of Narcissus, for a start, who fell in love with his own reflection and sat at the water's edge, pining, until he fucking died. Or consider the following quote (which I love) from Fernando Pessoa:

“Man shouldn’t be able to see his own face – there’s nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes. Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself. The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.”

We use mirrors to watch ourselves watching ourselves (and the Margaret Atwood who lives in our heads cries “male fantasies, male fantasies! You are you own voyeur!”). We perform for the mirror—often what we see in the mirror is not actually how we are seen by others! We think we may find truth there, when in reality it is a distortion. Ties itself up really nicely, I think.

In any case, this really goes well with the theme of obsession in the song—staring in the mirror asking, what do others see? What is wrong about me? What can I do better? The idea of looking in the mirror to seek what others see, both positive and negative, is common throughout. And I think their use of mirrored choreo (esp when it seems like one of them is the reflection!!), as well as mirror placement on the set of the mv, and ESPECIALLY the lovely bit at the end where they both stand staring carefully at their own reflections, all work to drive that theme home.

and i don't even know how to touch on all the color symbolism (when it changes between color and b&w?? the palette being overwhelmingly yellow and red and black???), or the lens filters (warping, blurring, etc), or the way they superimposed pieces of the video on top of other pieces, or the use of that one stark white background—without writing a fucking dissertation (and this is already a ridiculously long post) so i'll just stop here.

This is all to say, maybe what they meant was that the lyrics were a lot more aggressive about these themes and they were asked to tone them down to keep it neutral.

or maybe they're just sexy, sexy motherfuckers and their managers bonked them on the head and sent them to horny jail.

[venusdeus]

Court of Kings - Chapter 1

Summary: Sent to a neighboring kingdom to secure an alliance, forced to give up your dreams and ambitions, disregarded as a means to an end. You however have no desire to fulfil their wishes. And neither does Oikawa.

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x female reader

Genre: Fluff, comedy, angst, royalty au, arranged marriage au, enemies to lovers au (more like enemies to allies to friends to lovers), eventual smut?

Word count: 2700+

Warnings: All the characters are adults unless specified. This chapter is sfw. Minors do not interact.

Notes: Part 1 of a long series I’m planning to write. This is my first fic in this blog so I would greatly appreciate comments, follows and feedback!

Read Prologue first <...> Chapter 2

August 5th

The first messengers arrived when you were having afternoon tea with your literature instructor in the gardens of your summer residence, as your brother was practicing his sword skills not too far. A maid sent by your mother brought you the news of their negotiation a few hours later, accompanied by some of the strawberry macarons you loved so much.  

If it were up to you, you would refuse such a ridiculous offer even before it was brought to your attention. Now that they had a male heir to the throne however, there was no use of a girl that had no claim to become the future ruler, other than being sent to create diplomatic relations now that you were over twenty summers.

“Where do you think they are from?” your brother asked as he tried to dust off his clothes, quite tired from following the orders of his practice partner all day long.

“I wouldn’t know, I didn’t see any flags with them.” you continued as he looked disappointed “But they were wearing blue, so at least we know it's not from the south.”

He nodded; his eyes wide with worry “I am glad they are not sending you there.”

“No one is sending me anywhere yet Hiro.” you answered quite annoyed, turning your head sharply to glare at the boy.

It was not his fault per see but him being recognized as the heir has left you in an awkward situation for the past twelve years. You loved your brother dearly, unlike the distant relationship you had with your parents. It was not because you had the ambition to rule the kingdom either. Of course, it was unfair as you were the firstborn, and if not for what was between your legs, you would also have been the one to inherit the crown.

Even if that was so, you simply did not find it in yourself to become a leader. You, however, did wish to be able to shape your own future. One that did not involve fulfilling the selfish wishes of others.

“It would be awfully lonely without you.” he sighed, instantly making you feel guilty for sounding a little bit too harsh.

Hiro looked incredibly small for his age, standing there with his shoulders slouched, fingers flicking, a skinny and sickly kid since the day he was born. He took after your father with his dark hair and almost pitch-black eyes, but with your mother's facial features, a contrast to your own looks that bore no resemblance to any of them, another reason for your alienation from the rest of the family.

“And it would be awfully quiet without you.” you teased “Maybe then I would be able to read in peace.”

Several footsteps coming behind you silenced you both before Hiro could retort, cutting the joyful air and replacing it with a heavy feeling.

Your mother was a beautiful woman that much was true, but in a different way to that of her kids. The Queen had extremely sharp features and her painted lips always supported a displeased frown. She acted as her title suggested, prim and proper, she fit her role perfectly.

Renowned for her charm when she was younger, she did not lose much to the ages if not for the wrinkles next to her keen eyes and the white threads on her hair. Likewise, she was as smart as she was alluring. Coming from a family that lost their wealth a long time ago even though they still supported titles, no one would even dream of her being second to the sole ruler of their beloved country. She was a success-driven woman, which made her a threat in the eyes of many in the court, thus she was not given the right to make a decision when it came to the education of the heirs she produced. Although affectionate towards her kids first, she had no say on the time she had with them, causing their family ties to weaken, and mostly spent her time with foreign ambassadors. A responsibility entrusted upon her by her husband.

“I see you received my message.” she declared not looking at you directly “We will talk more about this after our guests leave. For now, I want both of you to go to your rooms and stay there until dinner.”

You could sense the irritation in her voice. It was not for her kids, however, as you could see the dark circles under her eyes, a sign of her losing sleep for the past few days.

“Won’t we meet our guests?” Hiro questioned before you could.

“It is not needed as they are only messengers.” the Queen answered shortly before continuing her walk towards the main hall, her maids trailing behind. “I will see you two in an hour.”

Leaving your brother behind, you decided to head down towards the observatory. You knew that you would get an earful from your maids later for not changing your garments for the dinner, but your head was filled with too many questions and negative possibilities to care about dresses. It was not as if you did not know that this day would come. It even took longer than expected if all things considered. Most in your position would be engaged before they even stopped using diapers. It was a more political alliance than anything else, decided by the respective kingdoms and the advisors.

You even saw the letters that were exchanged since last year with multiple seals supporting different coat of arms. The council of your father must have declined the offers before this. Not for your sake, at least you didn’t think it was, but for not suiting their taste. It was a big deal for the princess of a country, whether being the heir or not, to marry someone as it reassured the ties you would create.

The only positive thing that happened so far was the fact that you would not be sent to the south. The Southern Kingdom was placed across the sea and was an important trade partner to your own.

It was a wealthy country for sure, but also too grim and the people too wild. Other than the traded goods it wasn’t a traveller-friendly country. They kept to themselves and even though the only thing that separated the two port kingdoms was a narrow sea, they had a vastly different culture. These differences resulted in legends and the rumors about the country becoming more and more outrageous over time.

They called their men barbaric, only interested in hunt and the art of war. Their women proclaimed witches, quite beautiful unlike the stereotype, but worshippers of a different God. All just foolish rumors said your history instructor. He was a wise man that travelled a lot when he was younger and according to him these tales were nonsense. Their folk did not originate there but immigrated over a few centuries ago. He taught you that the people of the Southern Kingdom were that of culture and arts. They just did not like intruders. His words didn’t ease your or Hiro’s heart however as you were fed these tales since you were younger.

If you could find a way to escape from this responsibility you would. Yet, since the first time you sensed what was going on you were looking for an answer, just to be disappointed every time.

The dinner was cold and tasteless even though it was made from the best ingredients one could manage to find. “The lady that makes them must hate her occupation with a passion” claimed your brother when you were dismissed “I can’t understand how mother likes it.”

Once again, the King did not join you at the table. It was always the same excuse, politics, responsibilities. But you knew better. You knew why your parents did not share a bed anymore and you could see the looks women of the court gave to your father. It was not because the King was a good-looking man, quite the opposite in fact, but power attracted people.

You were fully grown now and even when you were younger, you knew what these actions indicated. You even had the most unfortunate memory of seeing one of them, who was not much older than you, leaving your father's chamber looking quite flushed. You would have not cared if only the woman did not give you a curtsy while supporting a smirk.

Lady Winna was her real name, daughter of a lord that was close to the King, nicknamed Lady Whore by you. And most of the time, she was the reason your father would skip the meals altogether only to receive a feast in his room later that night. Which was why you knew that you should never hope for a love match. If lucky you could maybe be friends with your future partner.

“She does not hate her job, she hates her life” you replied “Not that it would matter, she will leave soon. I heard she was pregnant with a lord’s child. A married one on top of that.”

Hiro gasped “What if someone were to hear you talking about these rumors” he exclaimed hitting your arm quite forcefully “you could be punished.”

“Don’t act as if you never say such stuff you little bridge troll. I know how you talk behind your instructors.” you mused rubbing the pain off. “And who will punish a princess I ask you? If not for mother or father?”

“Do I need to know what I should punish you for?”

Both you and Hiro jumped at the unexpected voice of the Queen, a gasp leaving your mouths. She was holding a box in her hand and her face was supporting a rare, serene expression.

“Nothing of importance.” replied Hiro quickly “We were just afraid of falling behind our studies.”

The Queen did not seem convinced as her eyes narrowed, but she had a small genuine smile on. “I see. Why don’t you go on ahead and start your nightly studies then? I need to talk to your sister privately in the meantime.”

Hiro let out a snort that he tried to cover with a cough. You are in trouble he mouthed before bowing to your mother and disappearing through the corridor.

“I would like you to know I was just repeating what the ladies in the court were saying. Not that I believe the rumors of course, it is quite indecent.” you tried to explain quickly but the Queen cut you with a shake of her head.

“That is not why I wanted to talk to you dear. It is however quite incident for a lady to talk that way you are right.” she sighed “Why don’t we talk in my study?”

You knew what was coming now, after all you could not remember the last time you had a conversation with your mother alone, the relaxed expression on her face, however, gave you hope. Maybe, you thought, they decided it was not time yet. Or maybe they did not like the offers that came through.

“Close the door, will you?” she asked walking towards the desk that stood before the bookshelves that covered the walls.

“Where are your attendants?” you questioned as you followed her inside “Is there something wrong?”

“I thought you would be more comfortable if it were just the two of us that’s all. I need to show you something.” She answered motioning towards the box she was holding. “It came this morning. For you of course. Go on, open it.”

The box itself was made from heavy oak, painted black with a family crest carved on top of it. The symbol looked familiar enough, but you could not concentrate enough to remember where you knew it from over the heavy beating of your heart. Opening it cautiously you took a sharp breath between your teeth, observing the contents.

Inside stood a tiara that was made from white gems shaped in intricate designs that you have not encountered before and in the middle stood an icy blue diamond so big that you could have sworn it must have cost the yearly earnings of a whole country.

“Not a ring.” You stated matter of factly “A very bold choice for a gift.”

“Indeed. But you cannot expect less from Seijoh.” Your mother replied with a cautious voice, almost as if she was calculating your reaction.

“Seijoh…” the box cluttered on the table as you let go of it abruptly “You are sending me up north? We waged war against them for years! Even before my grandfather! And now you are sending me there?”

You knew the country itself was wealthy enough and that it had a strong military presence. They had many allies within the countries that bordered yours as well.  But they also claimed right on your countries throne by sighting territorial dispute as well as a marriage between the two countries that produced no heir.

Now they were sending you there as a scapegoat. To secure his claim to the throne. And maybe even to theirs. An eye for an eye.

It took another week for your father to send a response and invite the Crown Prince and the King of Seijoh for a short visit before the decision was finalized and another two for them to arrive on the outskirts of your kingdom with their entourage behind.

As you sat in your suite biting your nails and waiting for their arrival, your maids were going in and out with different dresses in their hands looking for your approval. You on the other hand did not have the mental energy to entertain their ideas. It was bad enough that you had to attend a ball given in their honor that very evening, but you also had to be in the throne room soon enough to welcome them into the castle. Not to mention this would be the first time that you were to meet your possible future husband.

You heard of him before of course. How could you not when his reputation preceded him? A very cunning and ambitious young man, yet it was his looks that brought the most gossip. You heard his name whispered among the staff when they did not know you were listening and heard the ladies giggle when they mentioned the time that they spent in their court, with him.

It was enough to leave a sour taste in your mouth. Was it too much to ask that your future partner was a man of intelligence and few words? At least you would know that you could get along with him then. But a sharp and striking Casanova? They had to be jesting. That was the only possible explanation for this mockery.

As if your fathers’ ridiculous behaviors wasn’t enough now you had to entertain another man like him. It was pretty common for monarchs to take on other lovers, but you would not be embarrassed by a man you did not know in your own house, husband or not.

When you finally entered the throne room you could hear the commotion outside caused by non-other than the infamous man that was plaguing your thoughts for the past week. Your mother motioned you to hurry and take your place with a sudden turn of her chin just before the doors opened.

The rumors did not do him justice you thought as he strutted towards you and your family, your breath caught in your throat.

Oikawa Tooru was without a doubt the most beautiful man you ever laid eyes on.

He was beautiful alright.

And with his charming eyes staring straight at your own and his delicate hands placed on his sword, he looked ready to murder.

It might look like a filler episode, but I needed to give background and I love to build anticipation. Sorry not sorry? Reblogs are appreciated! And also this was not edited I posted it right after writing it so if you see any mistake let me know.

Disclaimer:  No portion of this story may be reproduced in any form without permission. I do not own the character of Oikawa Tooru. This is a work of fiction.

TAG LIST: Let me know if you want me to tag you.

@triskoof​ @sassyglassesbunny​ @m-a-r-i-a-s-b-l-o-g

[brokeandunknownlifestyle]

FANDOM By Waterparks: A Review (by Taylor Dakota)

Back in October, Waterparks released their third album, FANDOM, and I’d be lying to you if I told you it didn’t instantly become one of my favorites after the first listen. Because it did. And with all the songs being exceedingly catchy (including the rip-your-heart-out ones such as “High Definition” and “Never Bloom Again”) and the lyrics raw, honest, and hard-hitting, it’s no wonder why.

FANDOM starts off with "Cherry Red", a track that sounds almost like it belongs on a movie soundtrack rather than a studio album. At only a minute and twenty five seconds long, it's theatrical build up really prepares you for the emotional rollercoaster that is this album. It also has a dramatic outro that brilliantly transitions into track 2, "Watch What Happens Next".

"Watch What Happens Next" is an interesting track, to say the very least. While it has more of a stereotypical pop-punk sound, the lyrics tear into the culture surrounding the genre, or more importantly, the toxicity of it (the irony of this is not lost on me, Awsten Knight, nothing is ever a coincidence here). With lines such as "Hip hop can do what-ever it wants, Like make country songs, And hit number one, And that's fucking awesome, We could never do that, All the fans that like us need an easy fucking format" lead singer Awsten Knight expresses how little creative freedom musicians of the rock world have, particularly in a sub-genre that is so tightly gatekept. And this is by far not the only song on the album that touches on just how toxic fandom culture has become. On track 3, "Dream Boy", Knight sings about the pressure of living up to fan expectations and being built up in people's minds as someone you're not. And it's all covered up under an upbeat, pop sound that makes you wanna dance! And the verses of "I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore" (track 10) are dedicated to calling out fans for asking the same 3 questions over and over, sending death threats, and just generally not caring as much about the artists they listen to as much as they think they do.

Track 10 also directly ties in the other part of this album: the break up part. Because if FANDOM is one half calling out the pernicious tendencies of fans, the other half is grieving a failed relationship. This is honestly first shown in the lyrics of "Cherry Red", but we're brought back to it on track 4, "Easy To Hate" (which is my personal favorite). On this track, Awsten croons about how being with his ex was more trouble than it was worth, and how maybe he should have up-and-left a long time ago.

But the thing about grief is, there are many stages to it (five to be exact) and of those stages anger is a pretty prominent one on FANDOM. "Turbulent" (track 8) is a loud, angry rock song that exposes a lot of the negativity that came from Awsten Knight's previous relationship, both during and after it. Rap-centric "[Reboot]" is your typical slightly-bitter-sorta-petty break up song that takes the time to highlight some of the toxic behaviors of Knight's ex and flat out tell them "I'm too good for you and I deserve to be treated better".

There are four songs where the sad side of grief is so heavy it's almost tangible: self introspective "High Definition" (5), sad and slow acoustic "Never Bloom Again" (9), melancholy yet livid "Worst" (13), and the album closer "I Felt Younger When We Met" (15). "High Definition" laments on the trust issues Knight has experienced since going through all this while "Never Bloom Again" and "I Felt Younger When We Met"  tell of the trouble he is having getting over this person. On "Worst" he touches on his feelings of anger and betrayal for the things that happened to him during his previous relationship.

Another absolutely wonderful thing about this album is how the end of "I Felt Younger When We Met" beautifully loops back into opener "Cherry Red". It really brings the whole thing together and puts a nice finishing touch on it, like a bow on a gift.

In short, if you haven't checked out Waterparks' FANDOM do yourself a favor and go do so now! It is a well-written, genre bending work of art that the rock world needs but perhaps does not (yet) deserve.

[orpheasolace]

Yo guys, I wrote something. Constructive criticism is welcome😁:

Nectar was alone at a wedding.

To clarify, his brother’s wedding. At the reception.

And yes, in case you’re wondering, he does know how sad that is and he really does not want to think about it more than he already is.

Not that he was trying to think about it in particular. Nectar didn’t care enough to really be bothered by the fact that he was shadowed in a corner while other people swung around, moving their bodies in jerking movements and whooping at the top of their lungs for no reason that Nectar could identify. Still, he wouldn’t mind someone to talk to. Ugh, he couldn’t believe he was thinking that.

He watched all the happy couples, including his brother and newly deemed brother in-law dancing drunkenly to the beat of a familiar pop song that no one could really name, but everyone had heard it at some point or another. “Nectar!” someone called.

Startled, Nectar turned to see his cousin stumbling in a weak attempt at dancing and waving him over, “Nectar,” she yelled again, “Come join the fun!”

Feeling his eyelids droop into an unimpressed expression Nectar began in a false cheery voice, “Maybe I will,” his eyes narrowed, “Or maybe I’ll go get a drink, my dear nineteen year old cousin. Y’know, since I’m over twenty-one and all.”

His cousin, Sherri, whom he’d grown up with (along with her twin sister, Marci) rolled her eyes impressively. She was only nineteen years old but she had already broken the rules more times than Nectar could remember. 

“Oh, come on. Loosen up a bit!” Sherri called, grabbing another champagne glass from a passing waiter. She drained it in three gulps and then went back to dancing awfully and annoying Nectar.

“No offence, but I’d rather stand here for another three hours.” He deadpanned. 

Just then Marci came up behind Sherri and began dragging her away, much to her sisters protests. She shot Nectar an apologetic smile and he raised his cup of coke in salute.

Marica was the reasonable, responsible twin out of the two. You could tell by the number of grades she’d skipped, her steady relationship that had been nearly perfect for two years and the fact that she was currently studying art at the Rhode Island School of Design. 

Meanwhile, Sherri was barely passing summer school classes, dating a guy named Bob who ran an underground sandwich shop at his dorm (his specialty was tuna and jalapeno), and would be taking the SAT for the sixth time in the fall.

Don’t take it the wrong way, Nectar begrudgingly loved both like little sisters and these were all things Sherri had said herself when she received her end of year grades and had a breakdown. Nectar just wished Sherri would pull it together a bit and stop feeling sorry for herself. And not just because she tried to drag him to every social event she attended, or because the stench of alcohol made him gag, or because she was staying at his already tiny apartment. But because he cared.

Nectar shifted closer to his guitar case, loosening his tie which felt more like a noose to him. The party went on, with a sparkling disco ball in the middle that Nectar had told his brother not to get. But of course he had gotten it anyway.

Suddenly, someone knocked into him and they both crashed onto the floor. There was a yelp and the sound of shattering glass. “Ouch,” Nectar groaned, rubbing the back of his head which had slammed against the wall. He was sprawled at an awkward angle, one leg bent underneath him.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” said an apologetic voice. Nectar looked up to see a dark-haired boy scrambling to stand, his face shadowed in the flashing lights. He wore a waiter’s outfit that was stained with splattered wine from the glasses that had fallen. A tray was on the ground a few feet from where the two had collided.

“It’s fine.” Nectar said, observing a deep cut from the glass on his hand with mild concern. The waiter saw the blood and he tensed up.

“You’re bleeding!”

“I can see that.”

The boy grabbed Nectar’s hand in both of his to get a good look at the cut, sending a wave of discomfort through Nectar. “Oh jeez, I’m so so sorry.”

Nectar finally looked up from his hand, “It’s fine rea-oh, wow, your eyes are really pretty.” he blurted, face flushing.

The boy was staring straight at him, eyes so light they were almost gold with multiple shades of amber highlighting them. His hair was shoulder-length, tied up in a messy ponytail. When he saw Nectar blush, the corners of his mouth twitched up, those beautiful eyes sparkling and the multicolor party lights flashing prettily on his brown skin.

“I’m apologizing, you’re not supposed to compliment me.” The boy said, grinning at Nectar kindly. He had dimples. Nectar noticed this and for some reason he kept repeating the fact in his head, his face growing warmer by the minute.

"Um, I-I didn't mean to be so direct, er, I didn't mean to say anything at all. Sorry, you're probably not even um...sorry. I-I uh, don't even know your name." Nectar said, knowing fully well how much he sounded like a Disney princess. Though, Cinderella probably didn't stutter as much.

The boy laughed, holding out his hand, "Abraham."

Nectar only hesitated a second before placing his hand in Abraham's, "Nectar."

Abraham's long, thin fingers curled over Nectar's hand, their eyes locked. "You're the brother of one of the grooms, right?"

"Yeah." Nectar said, rising off the floor with Abraham following his lead a second later, their hands still linked in front of them. Nectar pointed at the waiters uniform, "You working?" He asked, then scolded himself for asking such a stupid question. Of course he was working, he was in uniform and handing out drinks. Nectar's face flushed with embarrassment.

But to his surprise,  Abraham just smiled sheepishly, "Well, I was originally supposed to be the pianist but, y'know," he waved in the direction of the dance floor, indicating the loud pop music booming from the speakers, "There's really no need for piano music after everyone's wasted."

Nectar laughed in spite of himself, and he thought he saw a blush on Abraham's cheeks. But certainly he'd imagined it, after all, it was hard to see in the shadow of the party lights. "I'll make sure to yell at my brother for allowing a musician to be put to work as a waiter. I'd like to hear you play sometime."

Woah, that was actually pretty smooth. Nectar gave himself an internal round of applause for his excellent conversational stamina and skill which were much stronger than usual, it seemed. Although, those eyes were perfect motivation.

Abraham's grin widened and he glanced at the dance floor before pulling Nectar a bit closer and bowing slightly. "May I have this dance?"

Nectar felt himself melt, aware how hot his face felt. "W-with this music?"

"Why not?"

"But I don't know how to dance!" Nectar said, cursing himself for arguing. 

Abraham pulled him, gently, even closer until they were sharing the same air, his other hand slipping down to rest on Nectar's waist. "Just follow my lead."

With that, the two began to dance, Abraham taking the lead and kindly whispering instructions on where Nectar should step. They never looked away from each other, Nectar's free hand on Abraham's shoulder and the other still being held. 

They unconsciously drifted into the crowd, standing out as the only slow-dancing couple in the room. Nectar felt his throat tighten. Everyone was watching, they were seeing him. He had worked so hard to stay invisible, but yet here he was; in the spotlight. And that spotlight was Abraham.

Abraham with his gorgeous amber eyes. His wine-splattered uniform and nimble pianist fingers. Abraham's soft smiles and music-like laughter that Nectar wanted to hear like a lullaby. Somehow all of Abraham made the crowd, the stares, the whispers and all the people brushing against Nectar on the packed dance floor, entirely insignificant. And all that was important was Abraham's soft touch and the music only they could hear that they danced to shyly. The world could be in total chaos but they would not look away, the pop music fading out, replaced by a melodic piano.

Suddenly, Abraham put his head in Nectar's shoulder so they were hugging and swaying. Nectar saw Sherri and Marci behind them, Sherri giving him a thumbs up and grinning like a maniac while Marci held her up, beaming at him proudly. He rolled his eyes but smiled into Abraham's shirt, trying to preserve even a shred of his dignity.

The other boy smelled like wine and Garden is cologne, a scent that made Nectar tuck his head into the curve of Abraham's collar bone. He was so present, so real. And Nectar could feel himself falling…

"Hey piano boy! Hey!" A voice cut through the trance and the two jumped apart, turning to see an angry cook calling from the kitchen door. "Dancing won't get you out of work, get the h ell over here and serve some strings! Your boyfriend can wait!"

And just like that the pop music was back, crude and loud enough that the floor shook. Not to mention the crowd, it was suffocating and Nectar desperately wanted to get out of it. He tensed up and Abraham must've noticed because he pulled them over to their original spot in the shadows where the glass and wine had been cleaned, leaving only Nectar's guitar to mark it. 

"I have to go." Abraham said apologetically, disappointment clear in his voice as he spoke to the boy before him.

Nectar nodded, "Yeah, I think everybody at the party knows. That cook can yell." He joked. When he got nervous he would start joking around to avoid negative attention. And he was more than nervous now. He was terrified of somehow screwing this all up. The eyes, the music. It was like fragile porcelain in his shaking hands. 

Abraham smiled at him before pulling out a blue Crayola marker from his trouser pocket where a pack of sticky notes was also visible. When Nectar looked at it, confused, he grinned. "Magical waiter powers, we must always be ready to take an order."

"Wow." Nectar said, his eyes drinking in the dimples like he would never see them again. And maybe he wouldn't. "I never knew being a waiter was so hardcore." 

"You'd be surprised." The other boy replied. Then, Abraham took his arm, making Nectar jump, and wrote a phone number on his skin. "Call me. I'd like to see you again." Abraham's face redeemed and he looked away, smiling sheepishly, "I don't think I could forget your smile."

A shiver went through Nectar as he nodded, looking down at the numbers in astonishment. "I don't think I could forget your eyes." He replied quietly.

Abraham beamed at him before glancing around and pecking Nectar lightly on the cheek. His lips lingered near Nectar's ear and he whispered, "Sorry again for the collision, I'll try to avoid unprecedented Jon's on our next date." Then he pulled away, smirked, and ran towards the kitchen, leaving Nectar in a puddle behind him.

Nectar leaned against the wall, he didn't feel alone anymore. His heart was light as he re-played the time with Abraham in his head. The next date. He said next date.

Nectar smiled to himself, touching the spot on his shoulder where Abraham's head had just been. Everything was the same, Sherri was still illegally drunk and running around the dance floor with Marci hovering over her like and mother rather than a sister, the music was still terrible and the groom's were still in each other's arms at the center of the crowd. 

But everything had changed as well. Because now Nectar had the memory of a boy's beautiful eyes and the large blue numbers on his arm just waiting to be called the next day when everyone was hungover and left Nectar alone. But most of all he had the sound of piano music in his heart, the steady melody of a single dance.

[neonbluewaves]

2, 3 & 4 for the Mc and Jacob's Ask, pretty please 🤗💖 ( u sure u don't bite? 👀 )

Wooh I wrote a lot, i think

Anyways, thanks for asking! hope I don’t bore you, under the cut because it a lot

2. How did you come up with your MC and Jacob’s backstory (family, where they’re from, their relationship with each other, etc.)?

Well, since I gave her an English surname and it was pretty randomly chosen, I looked it up to see what could I do with it. Welkin means sky, the heavens or the celestial sphere, so from here I imagined that her family was pretty free spirited, open minded, you kinda get the idea. I planned to make them all very light in palette, pale skin, blonde or light brown hair, and clear eyes. But since I wanted her to be half Spanish, put a little bit of me in there I gave them a second surname, Prieto. Which is a variant from “preto” , dark. And that gave me the idea of making her mother’s side of the family the opposite. Kinda like the Blacks, they’re purebloods proud of it, mixing with the dark arts and having a bad reputation. And that took me to the family drama, because I liked the idea of having some hypocrisy going along. They’re very protective of family, but they’ll destroy each other if they see fit. So we get a muggle grandpa mixed in, to let in that “oh no, they’re not ALL bad” and then you got in the pshyco racist uncle nobody likes.

I wanted to put in one dangerous relative so Neon would have a shadow always lurking, something not only driving her to be better, but that connected Neon’s hogwarts’ adventure and her life outside of the school. When jacob goes missing, their parents try to find him and their uncle strikes in. So in Neon’s mind finding Jacob is the key to getting her parents back. It ties it all together and makes Neon looking for Jacob even more desperate. I added the family book to give Narcisso a motivation to set after his own family, him being evil just to be evil is too much simple. There’s something in that book he wants so bad and I like to keep alluding to it until I finally reveal why ( I don’t wanna spoil it yet).

As for the relationship with each other, I made Jacob and Neon close, loving siblings. Neon needed a reason to be worried and sad. She loved his brother with all her heart, they had fun, they teased each other and fought. That special close bond that only siblings have. They are so loud and annoying to each other, when Jacob dissapears it feels like there’s a hole in Neon, there’s so much silence it’s unbearable, and music only does so much.

At first I thought that her being alone in the world was a bit too cruel and obvious, so I gave her two cousins that act as sisters and two uncles, who although I haven’t really showed much, you can tell they love her as much. I’ll admit this later gave me more material for family drama, so I have that there.

I kinda wanted to make a ”Go ahead, bite the Big Apple. Don’t mind the maggots.”

3. How did you come up with your version of Jacob?

I took inspiration from two people. One my own brother, who will forever annoy me and who I would kill for. The thing is I could only take inspiration from his personality, because when I was thinking about his design I new I couldn’t draw my brother when he was little. HE LOOKS SO FUCKING MUCH LIKE HARRY POTTER IT’S SURREAL. I’M NOT FUCKING JOKING, WE HAVE PHOTOS AND HE WORE ROUND GLASSES, I’VE HAD FRIENDS COME OVER, SEE HIS PHOTO AND BE LIKE “WHY YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF HARRY POTTER AS A SAILOR?” “BECAUSE THET’S MY BROTHER THE DAY OF HIS COMMUNION”

The other person is a childhood friend of mine who was just as much of a brother, I swear people thought we were siblings because of the constant bickering. We always played together and we told each other our secrets and shit.

Both my friend and my brother had a couple of things in common, so it made his personality easy, smart, fun, shy, loyal and thoughtful. I thought making him charming would give him an advantage on how he convinced people to help him and give him what he wanted. Of course he also has his negative traits, like being pretty lazy, bossy, cynical, selfish, paranoid and irresponsible. These last two are specially important to me because I feel like they are the main reasons as to why everything goes to shit and gives the start to MC’s story, and more specifically Neon, since it’s his paranoia of everyone dying what drives him to run away.

I also wanted him to be kinda opposite to Neon to balance them. Jacob is composed, calm, thinks before acting, is shy and Neon is loud, impulsive, acts way before thinking and is bold. One’s ice the other’s fire, and they make a warm home and a horrible lukewarm wet mix when arguing

4. How does your MC cope with everything they’ve endured with Jacob, R, and the Vaults?

I’m pretty sure it’s obvious that Neon’s a mess. The kid gets into fights 24/7 for fuck’s sake, she needs help. She smokes and she drinks. And it all roots to the fact that she almost died once. Remember the river accident? The one were she almost drowned? Yeah, in Neon’s mind she should have died that day, and the fact that she gets strangled by the devil’s snare in first year just proves her she’s right. Do you know Hamilton’s lyrics in Hurricane? “I couldn’t seem to die” that’s what Neon hears in the back of her head. She’s so goddamn reckless because that’s her unconscious way of running away and giving up, she feels like she deserves it, so she self-sabotages, because she won’t actively surrender. And the person who used to help her, be there for her and know when she needed someone is her father, and he’s in a coma.

me @ myself: You fucked up a perfectly good witch is what you did, look at her, she’s got deeply rooted issues

[cloudybookash-blog]

Just finished the first season of She-Ra and I only have a small amount of complaints that I think fall more into my personal opinion on characterizations and story lines than anything else. 

Love that the princesses that are there from the beginning are cute, gay and happy. Love that for them.

Love the diversity. Glimmer is body divergent but it never addressed as something inherently bad, or as a flaw - homegirl just look like that. Beau (Bo?) being part of the princesses because he is, and all his little background mannerisms where he’s seen cleaning and keeping things neat. 

Scorpia’s entire personality is the greatest, she’s such a realistic character who belongs to a family that gave their allegiance and power source to the horde willingly and she prides herself in her role by taking care of her troops and running a tight ship whilst also being one of the bad guys because well, she was never welcome with any of the other princesses. Her story is so believable and truly underrated. Plus, she’s just very nice. 

The other princesses having such a wide array of personalities (albeit without many complexities, I’ll admit) is refreshing. 

I’m a fan of the art-style, love all the pretty colors (and kind of reminds me of Steven Universe, ngl). Each setting has its own beautiful color palette, which is always helpful in identifying new places and remembering them when there are about 10.

My only problems really came in three (maybe four) people.

1. Adora. If anything I would’ve thought she’d make the perfect villain. First in everything, the favorite, constantly better than her peers with the emotional range of a teaspoon. Yes, yes, she’s fantastic with her new friends but we’ve seen better characters. She’s given multiple occasions to coerce her old crew into joining the rebellion but she never takes them, and when she does it’s done without heart, like I questioned her integrity a couple of times she just didn’t seem all that willing to help her old friends.

Yes, with Bow (apparently that’s how his name is spelled) and Glimmer she’s loyal and caring, thoughtful even. But none of that loyalty and thoughtfulness is present in her previous relationships. Upon finding out that the Horde is evil and that she more than likely was kidnapped as a young child (insinuating that almost EVERY horde soldier was stolen from their families) she doesn’t, not once, speak to her entire old crew and show them what she knows in a way that isn’t overtly condescending.

There’s a moment where I think Catra is going to join Adora, but even then, Adora is only bargaining, and asking Catra to join her because Catra is literally about to kill her. And EVEN THEN she barely tried, rather than apologising for not being aware enough when they were kids to stand up for Catra in a way that would’ve mattered to her, she just goes on about how Catra doesn’t have to do this. This forces Catra to give up her grounds has someone who’s been wronged because the wrong-does refuses to admit fault.

Like I said, my problems are probably all to do with personal preferences of characters. People probably view this as a unique flaw never really had in an MC before. Except, it’s pretty common in male MC’s in high fantasy’s. And I not only read a lot of those, but also hate them specifically because the characters have minimal self awareness and almost 0% integrity anytime they’re genuinely confronted with their flaws.

2. Catra. Listen, she would’ve been a GREAT She-Ra. You can’t deny it. She’s always coming in second best, she can never get ahead, she’s not only hated but has been actively tortured because of her ties to Adora. She’s been told the only reason she’s kept around is because Adora seems to like her. She’s literally alive because some six year old wanted a pet. She would be the first one to have zero (0) reasons to stay with the horde.

Her entire life has been spent in the shadow and to be able to be She-Ra, with enough support could bring her the confidence in her person she so sorely needs. We’ve seen she’s a great leader, although as a villain in a serial she’s obviously going to be beaten time and time again but she does actually have good plans and she has a flare for the dramatic. 

This isn’t Loki-style fanning over a ‘morally-grey’ character this is sadness at the fact people may interpret her character as, ‘people who are ambitious are evil, people who don’t conform to society, or aren’t very charming socially are evil’. Rather than we (the audience) should try being a little more aware of the people around us and how our actions can deeply effect them.

Catra’s personality and in the end her resolve is formed by the actions of Shadow Weaver, Adora, and her team. They bully, ostracize and abuse her (some, unknowingly of course) but that’ s the point. Her ‘evilness’ is brought on by years of people not being self-aware enough to understand the damage they were causing. She’s a great sympathetic villain, I don’t think I’ve ever even felt sympathy for a fictional ‘bad guy’ before so don’t get me wrong she’s fine in her role. I just, personally, would’ve enjoyed seeing her at the forefront of the rebellion rather than Adora.

With a personality that would’ve been open to an underdog scenario, and her persistent attitude (especially if this was fueled by people supporting and relying on her) she could’ve been a great She-Ra.

3. Entrapta. Again this is solely the whole how she’s going to perceived thing, ‘geeks and freaks are weird and societal outcasts are evil.’ It keeps up this narrative of only certain types of people are allowed to be good, there’s a check list of traits you have to have that are unrelated to your ideologies that decide which side you fight for.

Entrapta, like Catra, is treated like an outcast and always (in sinisterly subtle ways that are usually used as comedic relief) made to feel bad for who she is. She’s curious on top of everything else but the lesson we get about her story ark is curiosity killed the rebellion. It’s like saying ‘don’t be too curious’, otherwise you’ll end up with no morals and will be easily manipulated into joining the ‘evil people’.

When, again, the meaning should be that we REALLY need to put more effort into making those in our society who are different know and understand that they’re important. No, this doesn’t mean baby school shooter, incel type people or people who legitimately go out of their way to hurt others for no reason. But, we shouldn’t treat neuro-divergent people with such hostilities (subtle or otherwise) because then WE create the monster. Just as with Catra, Entrapta was created through the actions of her peers towards her person.

I can’t blame either of these villains for choosing the dark side, who wasn't to be good when the people on the good side don’t want you to be, well, YOU.

4. Decidedly, four things that bug me. Bow and Glimmers (already mentioned Adora’s part in this) and extendedly the other Princesses’ treatment of those in the horde they meet. One specific scene got me MAD. Bow is imprisoned and one of Adora’s ex-crew mates begins betraying his own just because Bow is the first person to actual listen and all this kid wants is to have friends, real friends that would do anything for one another and this poor kid is TRYING. Bow’s reaction was abysmal to say the least. At first, he cracks a joke that he doesn’t really have a choice as he’s imprisoned, we get it, funny ha-ha. But, he genuinely appears to believe that the only reason he’s listening is because he’s imprisoned, that he (who gave Adora her chance before even really getting to know her) wouldn’t give the exact same to this kid actively risking his life to relay information about Glimmer. 

Bow’s the puppy-love character whose flaw is (supposed to be) that he loves/trusts too easy. So why is he suddenly not listening to this kid just trying to have a friend who is actively helping Bow and is (possibly) the sole reason they find Glimmer in the end. Without his help there wouldn’t have been enough time to hack into the horde’s tech again to search for her. But, Bow doesn’t say anything when his rescue arrives AND THROWS THIS KID OFF A CLIFF MID-SENTENCE. I don’t know, that felt so wildly out of character.

Glimmer I understand more, she’s hotheaded and originally was VERY against Adora. It took a lot of life threatening situations for her to finally begin trusting Adora. Still, upon getting to know Adora, learning how horribly she was raised, the trauma it’s left her with, Glimmer (not for one seconds) questions whether they should MAYBE check on other horde members, no one should be kidnapped and raised in such an environment only to die for a regime that’s been lying to them. Yet, that’s exactly what happened.

Don’t get me wrong, these are four things that I pretty much understand have more to do with my preferences with characters and story-lines than anything else and like I said, the list (though detailed because I love being negative) is small in comparison to list of things that I like so far about the show. 

Just wanted to get that out there.

Also, does the Voltron fandom follow She-Ra because this ECHOES Voltron vibes and I honestly don’t see a reason why they shouldn’t also vehemently back this show (other than the straights that watch Voltron are too busy getting off on gay men to care or give any ground to a just as diverse, funny, cast that just so happens to have gender flipped the story.)

[princess-nope]

Love Emerges in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

The following is an essay I wrote back in 2016 for an art history class focused in women’s studies. The prompt of the essay was to compare a piece of media to one of the books we read and using it to define melodrama. I don’t expect many people to read this but it’s just something I thought I would share. I’m still very proud of this essay and re-reading it after so long reminded me why I love KOTOR and Carth Onasi so much. I hope you like it.

In all honesty I never truly knew what the term “melodrama” meant until this course. I’ve heard it at least a thousand times but tried to avoid using it in conversation to prevent from looking foolish. Learning about melodrama in class and conceptualizing it beyond the one-dimensional insult most people use it as has been for the better. Not only is melodrama not necessarily a bad thing, it’s present in almost all the things I enjoy to some extent. So as I wracked my mind for something to write about, I opted for my most current obsession, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. KOTOR is a Star Wars role-playing video game developed by BioWare and Lucas Arts released in 2003 that takes place 4,000 years before the original trilogy. However, because of the numerous characters and side quests it is impossible to write about it as a whole in one short essay. With that in mind I chose my favorite part of the game, Carth Onasi. In this paper I will analyze Carth Onasi as a character in the world of KOTOR by comparing his character traits and side quest with my working definition of melodrama.

Before I dive too deep into this paper I want to step back and properly introduce you to the character of Carth Onasi . KOTOR allows the player to be either male or female and provides romance options for both genders. When the opportunity is presented to me, I always try to play a female so I can truly become immersed in my gaming experience. It should also be noted that the player can play as a dark side or light side character based off of the decisions they make throughout the game; with this in mind my analysis will be based on the light side PC. Carth is the love interest for the female PC and is the first companion the player gets in the game. The player is encouraged to talk to him and throughout the game more information about his past and motivations for hanging out with the PC are revealed. He is very charismatic, charming and witty as well as a dedicated Republic soldier. Carth is a classic example of the “victim-hero” and comes from a tragic past that I will get into later. What is arguably the most interesting thing about him outside of his purpose in the game is the male gaming demographics’ reaction to him. I learned soon after beginning KOTOR that Carth is overwhelmingly hated by male players because he is “annoying, whiney and over emotional.” That sounds a lot like the definition of melodrama I got from my friends, I’m sensing a connection here.

With all of that in mind I will be working with Linda Williams’s concept of the melodramatic mode. How I interpret her concept lies in her five key features of melodrama which all in some way fit into Carth’s character and backstory. Her definition hit a chord in my brain and helped me wrap my head around what melodrama truly is. When asking my friends what they believed the term meant, they generally answered that it was a method of making things overly or unnecessarily emotional to get a reaction or move the plot forward. My boyfriend added that usually when something is melodramatic, the writer didn’t mean for it to be. However, I respectively disagree to an extent. It appears in KOTOR as it does in Stowe’s Uncle Tom’s Cabin, a scene or situation that forces the audience to empathize or sympathize with the characters. This makes Carth Onasi the best avatar for melodrama in KOTOR because objectively he is the only character that can share a  “happy ending” with the female PC through the means of a romantic relationship.

Video games are a bit different than literature or film in the sense that the player is directly involved in the story. In role-playing games especially the story progresses in a certain way based off of the player’s decisions. So it’s one thing for me to witness St. Clare’s death through the eyes of Tom, and totally another for me to be Tom. Though it can be argued that the player cannot physically feel and experience what the game avatar does, there is only one degree of separation instead of two or three. I am Tom because I made decisions as Tom, I am directly being affected by my choices and feeling all the pathos that come with those decisions. With the open character progression of KOTOR, I am experiencing this universe because the game is allowing me to make these decisions with little to no restriction. Therefore as the PC I am experiencing the adventure with Carth as myself, I am making the decisions I want to make and falling in love with Carth along the way.

Going back to Carth’s massive unpopularity in the male demographic Williams states, “suffering itself is a form of powerlessness that is coded feminine.” Carth is much like St. Clare in this sense, with St. Clare’s father describing his son as feminine and unfit to run the family plantation. Almost all of the PC’s companions have side quests that play out their own little melodramas, but they don’t seem to receive the same negative reaction. For the sake of argument my reaction to the male PC love interest Bastilla was negative, but for different reasons. Right off the bat the player’s first interaction involves her condescendingly expressing her ingratitude for her rescue. This immediately left a bad taste in my mouth for the character. Bastilla continues to deem herself superior and only after talking to her a lot does she get off her high horse and show some humanity. So do I dislike her because I find her too masculine? Of course not, I dislike her because she’s rude. Video games are notorious for being a boys club with few games including something for heterosexual women that isn’t a “game for girls.” Carth Onasi was specifically designed and written to be a companion for the PC, but a love interest for the female PC. Carth might have been given melodramatic tendencies to elicit a positive female response, but he was also given conventional good looks, cool clothes and a sense of humor.

Just as Williams uses Rambo as a masculine example of a character working in the melodramatic mode, Carth shares similar traits of “endur[ing] multiple indignities and pathetically suffer[ing]” in a way “that elicit audience empathy” even going as far as to also “begin his prolonged rescue-revenge.” Through player dialogue Carth tells the PC he had a wife and son who tragically died during the attack on his home planet. Before this he mentioned how his mentor, Saul, had left the Republic to join the Sith which was a huge betrayal to Carth. So with just this brief chain of dialogue Carth perfectly conforms to Williams’s description of a masculine character operating in the melodramatic mode. Saul, the villain of Carth’s story, directly attacked his home, a “space of innocence,” thus hitting the first key feature of melodrama. When playing KOTOR 2 it is possible to run into Carth again when he returns to Telos to get information from the new PC about the PC from the first game. He asks the new PC if they’re able to find the last PC to “simply tell her Carth Onasi is waiting for her.” Though it isn’t present in KOTOR Carth comes full circle and returns home to wait for his happy ending to return to him.

My take on Carth’s character appeal is that he appears to be the most relatable character. He is often times the “straight man” of the story and reacts to space magic like a normal person typically would. His role as a victim-hero in his own story is merely additional layers given to build a complete character. The second feature of melodrama is the virtue of a victim-hero. Carth suffers from the loss of his family and by this logic holds virtue. Carth can only gain his virtue by “purg[ing]…the taint of selfish ambition.” Carth’s “selfish ambition” is his desire to kill Saul and avenge his family. He states, “I know killing Saul won’t bring them back, and it won’t make me happy again… but I have to do it.” Carth is aware of the fault in his bloodlust for Saul but cannot overcome it. The PC can act as a voice of reason if the player chooses, but I allowed Carth to have his revenge therefore moving from pathos to action.

This leads to the third feature, or the “recognition of virtue” through a use of pathos and action. This concept correlates with arriving “too late” or “in the nick of time” and is applicable to Carth’s confrontation with Saul. Though the main antagonist of the game is on his way to kill the PC, Carth revels in his lust for revenge. Carth’s pathos finally moves to action that in turn helps the player recognize Carth’s virtue and the villainy of Saul. This final conflict gives a resolution to Carth’s story and allows him to move on through the game assisting the PC whole-heartedly.

What follows is the fourth feature, being “realism.” A more literal aspect of this feature comes in the form of Carth searching for his son, Dustil. When the player discovers Dustil is actually alive, Carth desperately tries to find him in a “search for something lost” that “ties [him] to the past.” The PC can no longer gain any meaningful information from Carth until this side quest is completed. Though avenging his family is important to Carth, it isn’t his character side quest but rather his relevancy to the overall story. Realism ties in with the final feature of melodrama, morality and the sense of “good and evil.” Dustil has joined the Sith and is a student at the Sith academy while Carth is Republic soldier. Star Wars has always been surrounded by the simple concept of good versus evil, light versus dark, the Rebels versus the Empire or the Republic versus the Sith. Visually Carth’s base costume is brightly colored where Dustil’s academy uniform is grey. The two contrast and visually embody their alignment. This is a goal Williams claims melodrama is constantly trying to achieve. Though the plot can tell the audience all they need to know, visuals are just as important and the concept of showing and not telling can add to the overall story. However, this final feature of melodrama isn’t complete until good triumphs over evil and a sense of morality is achieved. Carth redeems Dustil and proves to him why the Sith are evil therefore teaching Dustil morality. With this act Carth has totally become a well-rounded character operating in the melodramatic mode.

In conclusion my working definition of melodrama involves intense emotion, visual conflict, a sense of virtue and morality, and finally redemption. I strongly disagree with the concept that melodrama is always a negative thing or is only applicable to women. Carth Onasi is my favorite Star Wars character despite the fact that he isn’t canon in the cinematic universe. His entire characterization revolves around melodramatic tendencies but those tendencies are what give him depth and make him interesting. Experiencing KOTOR until the final boss fight with Carth by my side made the game fun and memorable for me. There were plenty of other quests and stories that are much more melodramatic, but they operate in a non-constructive way and are the reason I believe melodrama is used as a negative term. Carth’s character is with the PC from the very beginning; therefore being the first real character the player can interact with. That just adds more to the relationship he and the PC develop and becomes fulfilling in the end. The fact that Carth is despised by men makes me love him even more in all honesty. Carth Onasi was made for my demographic back in a time when women were rarely seen as “gamers.” Carth is emotional, virtuous, moral and the embodiment of good. I couldn’t ask for more in a video game companion.

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 26

I learnt that goodbyes never get easier to say but they are a beautiful part of life. Goodbyes come in all shapes and forms; some catch us by surprise, others are inevitable; some are by the doing of others, whilst some we reluctantly need to do for ourselves. We learn so many different ways of saying goodbye; Adios, Arrivederci, Au Revoir, Ciao, Auf Wiedersehen, Sayōnara. Whatever the context, and regardless of the language, I’m not sure goodbyes ever get any easier to do.

When I was younger I remember hating the thought of saying goodbye. I have a vivid memory of watching The Flying Doctors with my family and getting so emotional when a character had passed away that I went to the bathroom to cry alone. In my early twenties, I remember having the epiphany that one day my Grandparents would pass away and it was the first time I realised the inevitability of having to say goodbye to people I’d known and loved my entire life. I really resonated with the Natalie Imbruglia song, ‘What’s The Good In Goodbye’

What’s the good in goodbye When there are no reasons why When you’re gone I have nothing you know I don’t wanna say goodbye When there’s heaven in ‘hello’

As I’ve grown up, I’ve realised goodbyes are a natural part of life and they don’t always have to be sad. From the moment I saw this quote it struck a chord with me and I’ve used it ever since: “It’s not goodbye, it’s just see you later.” It would be impossible to keep count of the number of goodbyes I’ve said in my life; leaving school and saying goodbye to people I’d spent so many years growing up with, who for some you may never see again, others you may naturally drift away from. Moving away from home, the goodbyes to family that I will go from seeing almost daily to only seeing them at holidays or for significant events. Goodbyes to friends, lovers and colleagues; it is the inevitable and constant comings and goings of people in life.

Even when people leave our lives, they aren’t completely gone, even in death. There are photographs, videos, letters and the memories that we keep in our heads. For this reason, goodbyes can be a little easier to deal with, even those that have dearly departed. Patrick Droney speaks so beautifully about his song ‘Glitter,’ which explores the theme of grief. He says, “Consider for a moment your life as an art project. Grief stands out as one of the messiest strokes of life, like glitter scattered across the floor after a collage. The beautiful and shiny memories of people stick to you, as does the absence of them…when you think someone’s memory is gone, you find a piece of them still shining somewhere in your life. A piece of glitter.” The song has this feeling of hope shimmering along with sadness when someone leaves, and there is always beauty in the memories that remain.

But no one really dies if the love remains ’Cause nothing that dies really goes away See grief, it’s just like glitter It’s hard to brush away Bright light and it still shimmers Like it was yesterday And it falls like confetti All of the memories explode like a hand grenade And it’s sweet and it’s bitter Grief, it’s like glitter Oh, what a mess it makes What a mess it makes

A song that really touched me when my Gran passed away was ‘The Place Where Lost Things Go’ from ‘Mary Poppins Returns.’ It bought me great comfort, not only from the sentiment in the lyrics, but also the fact that the original movie was one that I had watched countless times with her, singing along to the lyrics that she had handwritten in a notepad for us.

Memories you’ve shared Gone for good you feared They’re all around you still Though they’ve disappeared Nothing’s really left Or lost without a trace Nothing’s gone forever Only out of place So when you need her touch And loving gaze Gone but not forgotten Is the perfect phrase Smiling from a star That she makes glow Trust she’s always there Watching as you grow Find her in the place Where the lost things go

I’m not entirely sure where the place is that the lost things go, but I choose to believe it’s within us. It’s been two years since she passed away and I still see her in my dreams, sometimes forgetting that she’s gone and think to call her on my drive home, (like I did so often after leaving home). I really felt her presence the afternoon I had high tea at Buckingham Gardens. It would have been something my Gran would have loved to do and I know she would have loved hearing my tell the story of going, asking to see all the photos I took. It was in this instance I knew she’d never be truly gone, as long as I had her memories, images and voice in my head and held onto the traditions she is a part of.

I’ve found the most difficult goodbyes are the ones you know you have to make to people or situations that no longer serve us positively. We cling to them and resist letting go, because so much of our past is tied to them and the hopes we have for the future. I’m quite a loyal person, but I’ve learned that there comes a time, when we need to put ourselves first. There is strength in saying goodbye to people and situations, acknowledging that in the short term it will hurt, but in the long run it’s the right thing to do. @taylorswift sings about this in ‘it’s time to go.’

That old familiar body ache The snaps from the same little breaks in my soul I know when it’s time to go

Sometimes giving up is the strong thing Sometimes to run is the brave thing Sometimes walking out is the one thing That will find you the right thing

Somewhere along the way we learn to say goodbye despite the pain we know it will bring, even when there is a desire to hold onto something that’s already gone. Some of the hardest goodbyes for me have come with leaving the schools I’ve taught at. Whilst I have many amazing memories in each of them, I’ve always reached the point of knowing that to continue growing, I need to leave. There is always the tendency to tell myself, “I just need to see this year level through to graduation,” or “Once I finish this project, it’ll be my time to go.” I’ve found that there will never be a RIGHT time to leave, no matter the various reasons we build in our heads as to why we need to stay. Despite some of the negative experiences that may have occurred, I’ve learnt to not harbour ill feelings and choose to see the good there was before ties are severed and the necessary goodbye has been said. There’s an amazing monologue in the Netflix film ‘Someone Great’ that describes this perfectly. The protagonist, Jenny, pens a letter to her partner, as a way of not only finding closure from their relationship, but acknowledging the good there was.

Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure on your lips and then I’ll go. Maybe, also, one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But, in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time? One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. MY hope is if we add up the one more’s, they will equal a lifetime. And I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real, is it? There are no more ‘one mores.’ I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you. For me. But not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there– I guess we didn’t just grow apart……we grew UP. When something b r e a k s, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break. They s h a t t e r. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments — when the pieces of what we were catch the sun — I’ll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it will always be. Because it was us. And we were magic. Forever.

I don’t think there’ll ever be a time where I find that goodbyes get any easier, but I know from my change in mindset, I’ve found a way of finding the good in goodbye.

[deanstwrtartcontext]

Who am I as an Artist? Moving Forward

There are so many different methods of printmaking, each with their own character and charms. Linocut prints producing patchy and carefree prints, etching specialising in tone and monoprints creating one-of-a-kind pieces each time. I am personally most inspired by screen printing, also known as silkscreen printing. Screen printing is a form of printing using a screen made of stretched fabric and a frame1. The artist creates a stencil by applying glue, film/paper or photoresist to the areas of the screen that they don’t want printed, then smears ink through the untouched parts of the screen to create a print. This method is primarily used on paper and fabric; however, it is possible to print on other materials such as wood and metal if using specific inks. Screen printing is wildly popular due to its ability to print bright and even colours regardless of the surface2. Screen printing works similarly to a reduction print, creating multidimensional art using layers rather than tone and shading. It is also praised for its ability to produce identical prints in little to no time, making it a key method in the mass production for the likes of posters. Screen printing started being used in the 1920’s for advertisements, even though the method dates all the way back to 221 AD China3, and was being used by artists only 10 years later. By the 1950’s, screen printing had become a widely appreciated media amongst artists. During the 1960’s, screen printing boomed in popularity after pop artists such as Andy Warhol and Keith Harring used it for their designs4. Screen printing was the prime medium for the pop art movement because of the ease at which you could create colourful block shapes and patterns, as well its ability to mass produce designs.  Screen printing has a long and diverse history, but not one that is going to end anytime soon. The method is still wildly popular today amongst printmakers, with its charming characteristic and accessibility maintaining its popularity as strong as ever.  

Ben Rider

Ben Rider is an illustrator and prink maker based in London. Rider is known for his messy neon prints with punk undertones. His work is created using a screen print to bring his illustrations alive, usually in a psychedelic pop art style. One of my favourite pieces of his would be ‘Pleasure Thyself.

5Print Club London. (n.d.). Pleasure Thyself by Ben Rider. [online] Available at: https://printclublondon.com/shop/pleasure-thyself/ [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

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This print includes a hand holding to smiley faces, as well as the name of the piece, ‘Pleasure Thyself’. This print is fairly simple; however, I feel as though there's a lot of depth to it. At first glance, it simply seems to be a print about looking after yourself and your mental health. The description of the piece states, ‘In these strange days it's good to be reminded to just be kind to ourselves too!’. I feel as though there could also be a comparison drawn between this piece and drug culture. The hand seems to be holding two smiley faces, which at first reminded me of pills. The slogan of, ‘Pleasure Thyself’ could also relate to the act of getting high or taking an upper. I feel as though the colour pallet helps strengthen this analysis. The piece includes bright pink and yellow, creating a psychedelic feeling. There are also a bunch of lines coming out of the faces, making them the main focus point of the piece. I feel that this also adds emphasis to the pill like shapes. However, some may say that these lines were included to replicate a sun. It could also be argued that this print was inspired by addiction. Many people fall into a dark hole and use drugs as a form of escapism, using the euphoric feeling of being under the influence as a stimulant during hard times. Over all, I feel that this piece was created with this double entendre in mind. It could simply be enjoyed as a print about looking after yourself and staying positive, but on the other hand, could also be viewed as a piece inspired by drug culture. With many of Rider’s pieces having a sense of social commentary to them, I don’t doubt that this was his intentions.  

Steven Wilson

Steven Wilson is an artist, designer and animator based in Brighton. Born in London, Wilson currently works for his own self-titled business alongside Pedro Cardoso. The company works in both analogue and digital methods to create unique and colourful pieces of art. Steven Wilson has found a great deal of success since launching his company in 2001, creating work for big names such as: Nike, The Oscars, Virgin and the New York Times, amongst many others.6

7 STEVENWILSONSTUDIO. (n.d.). Krunk Melt. [online] Available at: https://www.stevenwilsonstudio.com/prints/krunk-melt [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

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‘Krunk Melts’ is a screen print, made using 3 layers, by Steven Wilson. It includes a bear, with a rather unpleased look on its face, melting away. I really liked this print because of the bright colours and unusual subject matter. Many of Steven Wilson’s work has a huge pop art style to it, and you can definitely see the correlation in this piece. The print uses a lot of bright colours, creating a cartoon style. The bear is outlined with a dark blue rather than a black, softening the piece all together. I feel that this makes the print feel a lot more comforting, compared to creating a stark contrast between the bright colours and a solid black outline. However, this carefree style is contradicted with the expression on the bear’s face. It has a very disapproving look on its face, as opposed to the stereotypical cheery smile cartoons are often given. This changed the feeling of the piece completely. The look on the bear’s face, along with the fact that it is melting, created a more sombre feeling to the print. This is strengthened with the fact that the bear itself is blue, a colour often used to convey sadness. I really liked the contrast this created. The use of bright colours in a piece that feels rather negative confuses the viewer. The art that, at first, seemed so cherry and carefree now has a sense of melancholy that was not initially obvious. I feel that this depth, mixed with the simplicity of the design, created a really interesting and effective print. After closely inspecting the piece, you are almost left not knowing how to feel about it, highlighting how powerful an image it is.  

Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol was an American artist who explored a huge selection of media such as: painting, printing and sculpture as well as photography and film. Warhol was best known for his screen prints that explored the relationship between advertisement and celebrity culture. His art boosted him to fame during the 60’s, leading to him being considered a leading artist of the pop art movement with pieces such as, ‘Campbell’s Soup Cans’ and ‘Shot Mrilyns’. 8

9Revolver Gallery. (n.d.). Giant Panda 295 by Andy Warhol. [online] Available at: https://revolverwarholgallery.com/portfolio/warhol-giant-panda/ [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

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Giant Panda 295 is a screen print done by Andy Warhol in 1983. The piece was done as a commission by Ron and Freyda Feldman, and was one of ten pieces created inspired by endangered animals. The print included a red panda with a thin blue outline and pink and yellow details. I really liked this piece as I felt it was instantly obvious why it was created. The red and yellow together somewhat mimics a fire, creating a sense of danger and anxiety. The use of a blue outline really helps the piece stand out more, especially against the red. This choice was especially effective in the eyes of the panda. There isn't really much detail, however I feel that this colour choice makes them look a lot more unnatural. The blue against the red really helps the eyes stand out. I feel that this was done to make the view feel like the panda is looking right at them, almost as if the panda is shaming you for not helping. This small detail, along with the intense colour pallet creates a sense of urgency, almost pushing you to help the cause. I think that this was a highly successful piece, managing to capture so much emotion in such a simple print. Even without looking into the background of the piece, you can hazard a good guess as to why it was created. Proving just how powerful a print this is, highlighting Warhol’s talent as a whole.  

Screen printing inspires me for many reasons, and I feel that the more artists I research that explore the medium, the more passionate I feel about it. I really love that every artist that uses screen printing does it in their own way, with every artist’s work looking wildly different from each other's. Yet, the use of bright colours and layers ties them all together. I think throughout my journey as a printmaker, I want to experiment with screen printing more, taking into consideration how I can use both colour and layering to enhance my work.  

Word count- 1.487

1 Tate (2017). Screenprint – Art Term | Tate. [online] Tate. Available at: https://www.tate.org.uk/art/art-terms/s/screenprint [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

2Customplanet.co.uk. (2020). What is Screen Printing? A Step-by-Step Guide to Silk Screen Printing. [online] Available at: https://www.customplanet.co.uk/what-is-screen-printing-step-by-step-i50 [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

3www.leicesterprintworkshop.com. (n.d.). A brief history of screenprinting - Leicester Print Workshop. [online] Available at: http://www.leicesterprintworkshop.com/printmaking/screenprinting/a_brief_history_of_screenprinting/#:~:text=A%20brief%20history%20of%20screenprinting.%20Screenprinting%20originated%20in [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

4My Modern Met. (2018). 8 Print Artists That Will Inspire You to Try Silk Screen Printing at Home. [online] Available at: https://mymodernmet.com/silk-screen-printing-artists/ [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

6STEVENWILSONSTUDIO. (n.d.). About. [online] Available at: https://www.stevenwilsonstudio.com/about [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

8Tate (2019). Andy Warhol 1928-1987 | Tate. [online] Tate. Available at: https://www.tate.org.uk/art/artists/andy-warhol-2121 [Accessed 13 Mar. 2021].

[fireflydunes]

2020 Reflection: I basically come back to tumblr annually just to reflect.

Here’s something I wrote in 2017, I’ve answered this every year since. 

“Dear future me,

Are you happy?

Do you have someone you love?

Can you drive yet?

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

Oh and please love yourself bc i certainly love the idea of you”. Its November 2019 now. Its been over a year since my last update. Am I happy? The answer is a bit complicated. If you were to ask how my mood was, I’d say everyday it fluctuates between “Okay” and “Content”. I may have placed too high of a bar on happiness there. What does that mean too high of a bar. Do I need to have no negative emotions in order for me to be truly happy. Thats certainly not true; I feel a collective swarm of emotions and all throughout they hit me like a whirlwind. Either a cold breeze or warm fuzziness, it’s constantly washing over me. What’s important is that I hold onto the good stuff, reflect on the bad stuff but let myself feel everything fully and then let them go. This is also much easier written than done; this is my first time reflecting in a long while, I’ve been going to counselling and it’s alright–sometimes I feel amazing sometimes I don’t. I forget that that’s okay. But yeah, I think collectively as a whole, I’m doing really well, I’m no where near unhappy–I was terribly miserable as I’d just started uni and found out too much of my identity was tied to Physics and I’m letting go of Physics because the course just isn’t for me. I still feel disoriented, like an empty slate–not really, I’ve got my values and traits very unique to me, yes, but I feel like something veryy important to me has been taken away. And I do want to evaluate why that is?

Why was physics so important. I’ll explore that in a separate document. But hey, am I happy? Yes, but not how I’d thought I’d be happy when I was younger. I might actually prefer this–being able to take in all the emotions that aggregate something that  feels…good. Do you have someone you love?

I nailed this last time and I continue to nail this aspect. Afu, Naani and my sister have continued to remain very strong foundations of constant love and support. I have lovely friends that I love dearly and miss, I met my boyfriend at possibly the best time–it was when I really didn’t need one nor was I looking. My life was so full and rich with love, the thrill of the next step, loads of travelling, love even from my mother and the extended family (an unexpected source). But I was so so full and I had an amazing relationship with myself as well. To then meet someone, that still, added to this was amazing. I was able to fully open myself upto a new type of love and be comfortable with my vulnerability and I love him so much for that. Can you drive yet?

I’m in Canada right now, so I can’t drive here yet ;-; This is terribly sad, I was already an awful driver and now it’d gonna be worse.   Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

In a way, yes. In another way, no. I’ve gotten closer in the sense that the rug has been ripped out from underneath and everything I believe in, has changed. I am in a forest, vast and dense. I am pretty lost–but I am trying to figure it all out. In a way, I feel like this is me looking at what I truly want, without any underlying desire to gain my parent’s approval and prove my worth.

The next part is on Body issues.

Lately, my relationship with food and my body hasn’t been great. It was really amazing the majority of the year bc I exercised daily, I ran everyday, did a couple of marathons, but I did kind of grow endurance and also did some extreme stuff like running 7k after 2 hours or badminton. By then I was at my fittest condition but my relationship with my body, and eating, was still no where near healthy. I’m more aware of it now, and do continue to work on this. But at the same time, I’d like to mention, my relationship with food is not amazing, but my body remains loved and cared for–the extent of it is just something I wish to deepen. I’m gonna skip the next questions and go right to the very last one bc that’s what I want to talk about. I chose to study. I’m in university now, but 2019 was not at all about university. 2019 was about, isolation, finding a way to grow in that isolation. Being surrounded by the loveliest sweetest kids, learing how to live with mom, learning that I’ve so much work to do. I learned how to comfort my mother, I learned what it was like to fully feel good in my own body–which was amazing but always came with an awareness and knowing the danger of feeling so good in a body that looked really good. “Does this mean my fall will be even deeper?” I do want to reach a point in my life where my value and worth are no longer so dependent on image and shallow opinions of others or how I am to be of service to others. We’re gonna work on that. Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? It’s End of November 2020 Are you happy?

I agree with me from a year ago, it’s very much not a bad thing and quite normal to be feeling a swarm. I feel varying degrees of happy, sad, upset, hungry throughout the days. I’ve just broken up with my ex after a year and a couple of months in, so I’m learning how to just be okay with this new norm of feeling heartbroken, sad, missing him, and almost each time going through the waves of grief. With COVID happening I think, since March, there’s been a lot of heartbreak, emotional strain, isolation like never before, loneliness...really feeling so alone. I’m really struggling now because that still, helped so much with making me feel not-alone. So I’m also struggling in general right now, haha. This one’s not as well-worded as the others, everything still feels fresh even though its only been a month since.        I’m struggling most with my urge and want to immediately be better, immediately be resilient and not really give myself a chance to be in pain, be heartbroken, just be devastated. I’ve said this a lot throughout this post but I think, I’m struggling with this one, haha. I’m trying to find joy in small things now, I think that’s what give you happiness, sustainable happiness. The daily tasks, small things, the interactions with people. Just trying to focus on one day at a time, and small things that might give me warm fuzzy feelings. 

Do you have someone you love?

Yes, I’ve also lost two relationshipsthis past year. I’ve lost my first real “I love you” person and I’ve lost what was an incredibly close and loving relationship with my sister.  But in this time, my friends have been my family, my utmost support, they banded together really to come lift me up. I feel very loved, and grateful to have them. I’m learning to find peace with how things are with my sister. I’m trying to actively reach out to my friends--I tend to self-isolate and feel like a burden in my relationships. Which is a bit unfair, because it’s alright to admit that some of our actions can be burdensome to others, but people help you regardless and in spite of the inconvenience because they love you. So I’m trying to have a habit of thanking them rather than apologising.  Also, yes, myself. A thought that brings me so much comfort is knowing every version of me that existed and will exist, loves and cares for me so much. Looking back at the past me’s I only feel love and kindness and I know a year from now, older me is giving me a hug and telling me everything going to be alright.

Can you drive yet?

I can, and I drive on Sundays or when I’m off to get an errand. It’s really rare though since I’m so cooped up and swamped with uni. UM, big change though, I’m a very calm driver now, I drive very slowly. The reckless driving really was not cute and endangered many lives at one point and I really learned from that. And I think as you grow used to your surroundings as well, and have a shift in I guess, maturity, things just naturally slow down.

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

Yes.  I’ve also really made peace with Physics: It’s the novelty of it and wanting something absolutely without a doubt amazing. A mix of, i want to do something grand and amazing so I am deserving of my parents’ love, as well as this is definitely unambiguously amazing and so I will undeniably be amazing, special, and seen as such by my pare--you get the point. So the thing now to watch out for, isn’t what profession I choose or careers I want togo for, it’s making sure I’m choosing it not to make up, yet again, for this lack of love and attention as a child. 

I had an amazing year exploring my subjects, I’m a complete humanities baby, I love anthropology out of all of them at the moment for the freedom and range within the discipline. It was also really lovely meeting professionals in the Creative Arts, also very wonderful being told that taking that leap of faith last year was brave. I’d realised that this was something perceived by many and also I’d internalised, as something cowardly, so it was extra meaningful to have so many people see courage instead.

I’m also still allowed to love physics, ofcourse, and astronomy and be amazed and awed but also--be sulky and sad and every now and then grieve the loss of that childhood to early twenties dream.

So far the most important thing I’ve learned is, you don’t just have one career, you have multiple, and neither of them are your identity. 

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

I’m honestly surprised that in 2017 I was so harsh on myself but then remember it was later that year I started therapy for the first time ever. I’m also, not surprised that last year by this time already I’d noticed that my relationship with health in general is a bit strained. It’s not diagnosed or anything in case anyone’s reading, just a general notice of when I’m mentally doing not ok, I eat in a way that I don’t really feel good and this brings about a lot of shame. I also had tied way too much of my identity to running and being healthy.  This year, I haven’t done a lot of either, so naturally my weight has changed. I’m struggling with it right now, moreso because of how isolated I am, and the actual comments from the outside I’m getting on it. It helped to, instead of getting sad, to get angry at them. I’ve said things back, retaliated a bit, drawn the line at inappropriate (but not perceived as such in my community) comments. that’s been extremely good. However, it’s been a challenge ever since my dad made such a point of it. This might be something worthy to think on, the relevance of him. But, I think for now, I really am trying to remind myself at every weight I’ve always been weary and cautious of health, internally i’ve been the same person, same qualities, same amazing fun loving all that jazz, I’ve always been worthwhile. That being said, my knee ache is back, my PCOS is worse, my hairfall is terrible--I need to lmao build some muscle, be more active, but in a way that elevates my mood and I don’t tie so much of myself to it.

Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? So this was meant for Off-campus in CANADA. I’m not there b, I’m back home, same as every transitionary moment in my life haha. It’s a mixed bag honestly. With COVID, male’ isn’t any better. No where seems any better honestly. Some days are tough, but I feel really touched by my friends, the checking up, the gaming together. It’s quite lovely. Univevrsity has also been quite =, nice but HARSH. Universities have really proven themselves as institutions for profit, it’s really disturbing and saddening, but individuals within have been so lovely and understanding and you really love these subjects and these people far more than anything in Physics kek. 2021 Zu, Nice to meet you. I’m really curious to see where you are a year from now. What would you want me right now to know. :)

[mxadrian779]

Just a gathering of elements (part two) in my chart info from CafeAstrology.

Sun in Pisces

As the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac, Pisces contains within itself a little experience of all the signs. This gives Pisces Suns the ability to identify with people from all walks of life–from all backgrounds–in some way. These individuals are not only changeable and adaptable, they have open minds and tremendous understanding. But Pisces itself is often misunderstood. Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.

Sun in Pisces people are frequently pegged as wishy-washy, but this is all a matter of opinion. What you will find behind a vaguely directionless, spacey manner is a deep person with real dreams. Their dreams are more than getting that picket fence or making it up the corporate ladder. Pisces are tuned in to a higher purpose and their dreams transcend the individual. A deep love for humanity, and compassion that knows no bounds is found with this placement of the Sun.

Pisceans are not known to be cutthroat business types, nor are they given to throwing themselves out into the world in an aggressive manner. But make no mistake about it, Pisces can be extraordinarily successful when given the chance to express themselves. The arts, marketing, music, teaching, drama, healing arts…these are all fields in which Pisces can find expression. Their imagination, attunement to humanity, and remarkable intuition endow them with enviable gifts of insight and creativity.

Pisces is a sensitive sign–both sensitive to criticism and sensitive to others’ feelings. Easily touched by human suffering, at least in theory, Pisces wouldn’t hurt a fly. They believe in people, are deeply hurt by compassionless human behavior, and have a hard time saying no. Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves (“I will never trust again!”). Rest assured, though, that these periods are rather short-lived and even useful. Pisces seems to derive energy from their (generally short) bouts of self-pity. They come back stronger, with a spring in their step, ready to face the world again, and just as, if not more, compassionate and trusting as they were before. Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.

Some find Pisces’ tendency to be late for appointments, spaced out behavior, and absent-mindedness amount to irresponsibility. Pisces would be shocked to know this, however. Who me? Pisces wonders. Irresponsible? Pisces Suns absolutely care–their love knows no bounds–but their retreats from ordinary life (whether they are as simple as daydreams or actual departures) that they so seem to need every now and again are not always understandable to no-nonsense signs, such as Virgo or Aries.

Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan.

We find plenty of artists, poets, and musicians with Sun (and other personal planets) in Pisces. Piscean themes are woven throughout the songs of Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, for example.

Moon in Taurus

Familiarity is important to Lunar Taureans. These people are earthy and strong-willed. They feel with their senses and they are pretty much rooted in their ways. They revel in material comforts–in fact, building a solid and comfortable home and foundation helps to keep them feeling safe and content.

It isn’t wise to try to push Lunar Taureans into doing anything, but once they have made a commitment, they’re persevering.

There’s a steadiness to this position of the Moon that is comforting to those close to them. But the conservative streak in these natives can be maddening to more progressive personalities. They tend to go out of their way to avoid “messy” or unpredictable situations, crises, and emotional displays. Instead, they focus on creating a reliable and secure life around them. In relationships, Lunar Taureans may not easily recognize their partner’s need for change, growth, or emotional stimulation.

Moon in Taurus natives are generally very romantic. Their affections are strong, deep, and unwavering. They are sentimental and warm. Since Taurus is a practical earth sign, the placement of the Moon in this sign suggests an ability to protect themselves and their own interests. They will rarely make a move without first determining that it is safe and that there’s something in it for them.

Generally, Taurus Moon people have reliable instincts. They are very much tied to the physical world, and they often have a particularly well-developed sense of smell.

Relationships with people born with this position of the Moon are often quite enduring. Many Moon in Taurus people hang onto their mates, even in the face of serious conflict. Taurus is a fixed sign, so break-ups don’t happen easily.

There is a serenity to them that is calming. In fact, it takes a lot to really get to them. However, they do get off-center every once in a while. They are not the most adaptable people when their own routine is interrupted, for example.

Though some Lunar Taureans might be considered anal, most simply have a stubborn streak that keeps them rather resistant to change. Rarely are they spontaneous sorts. Uncomfortable with surprises, these natives value stability. Their needs are strong but quite simple at the same time–they love the “good things” in life. The world of the five senses is all-important to these natives. Their love of stability and steadiness can make them slaves to routine. However, they are loyal and capable people.

Mercury in Aries

Mercury in Aries communicators make quick decisions–so quick that you might think they don’t much like thinking things over. The truth is, Aries communicators don’t have a lot of patience for mulling. Their decisions are often driven by the need for instant gratification.

Mercury in Aries men and women are generally quick and to the point in their communications. They are direct and candid, and some may even think their style is crude at times. At times, they can come across as downright aggressive, but that usually happens when they encounter opposition to their opinions and ideas. It is generally a result of frustration, because Mercury in Aries almost childishly assumes that others will accept their opinions smoothly. There is a sensitivity and defensiveness to Aries, and when Mercury is placed in the sign, natives tend to be quite personally attached to their ideas.

These people have a tendency towards streamlined learning. They prefer not to get bogged down in details, and are adept at dismissing what they feel are irrelevant details.

There’s a certain innocent charm to Aries communicators. Many will appreciate this sign’s utilitarian approach. You can pretty much count on them being straight with you, even if their Sun Sign is the more indirect Pisces.

This Mercury position favors starting new things. Aries is not attached to outdated ideas, and generally adopts an enthusiastic style. Criticism or negative feedback can be taken personally. Still, they are not afraid of a fight or a challenge, on a mental level. They have a visionary intelligence that is sometimes on the idealistic side.

New projects and ideas are taken on with an unmatched enthusiasm with this position of Mercury. However, because there is no shortage of new ideas in life, Mercury in Aries natives can be quick to dump one mental pursuit, way of thinking, or opinion for something fresher and more exciting.

Mercury in Aries people are often excellent at promoting their new ideas. When they’re excited about something, their style of communication can be so motivating and fun, the enthusiasm is downright infectious. Aries is a leader, quick to adopt absolutely new and innovative methods–they get a rise out of leading too!

If the Sun Sign is in Pisces or Taurus, these people can sometimes wonder why others get frustrated with them. The truth is, they may come across as more brusque and impatient than they actually are. Mercury in Aries natives make quick decisions, and they don’t always understand it when others hedge issues or stay “on the fence”.

Venus in Aquarius

Venus in Aquarius people try to impress you with their open-minded, future-thinking spirit. They want you to see them as unique, rebellious, and a little provocative. They are attractive when they are acting a little aloof. They want you to acknowledge and appreciate that they don’t follow the beaten track in matters of the heart.

Venus in Aquarius men and women are attracted to unusual or unconventional relationships. They don’t want to follow all the rules, although they may make quite a few of their own. They can appear quite standoffish at times, and are threatened by restrictions of any kind. Emotional types may be put off by their detached manner in love. Venus in Aquarius wants you to love them for their intellect, and to admire their visions. They value lovers who are also good friends, and they avoid emotional displays or confrontations like the plague. Venus in Aquarius will delight in shocking you with their unusual ways and their forward-looking thinking.

Pleasing Venus in Aquarius involves letting them know just how interesting they are. Put up with their occasional need to act superior on an intellectual level — they are very proud of their unique ideas and visions. Dream along with them, and don’t fence them in. They need space and will happily return the favor, giving you lots of room to breathe and to be yourself.

My Personal Ad Bio: “I’m liberal. I’m not possessive. I’m looking for a friend in a lover. I’m unique. Let’s talk and have some fun.”

Venus in Aquarius people are attracted to unconventionality, independence, and freedom as themes in their social relationships. Experimental relationships are intriguing to them. Being friends as well as lovers is important to Venus in Aquarius.

They like to choose their terms when involved in a relationship, and this can be challenging for a partner, as their terms can be changeable! They may be reacting to a condition or situation of the moment, for example. With the exception of this quality, Venus in Aquarius people are some of the most unselfish people in love. They allow you freedom to be yourself, and are rarely clinging or controlling. They are easygoing in this manner because a partner can appeal to their sense of reason, and they always strive to be exceptionally fair and impartial. They are often attracted to art, furnishings, clothing, and music from ancient times as well as modern, abstract, and futuristic.

Mars in Aquarius

It can be a little difficult to understand exactly what makes a Mars in Aquarius native tick. And that’s absolutely fine with them—they enjoy surprising people. The tried-and-true methods of getting things done are far too boring for those born with Mars in this unique and original sign. Mars in Aquarius natives often have a rather original view of the world as well.

These natives are generally quite proud of their independence. They are not easily pushed around with Mars in this fixed sign. Because Aquarius is progressive and open-minded when it comes to the world at large, it can be surprising that on a personal level, Mars in Aquarius natives can be quite obstinate. If they feel boxed in, they are quite likely to rebel. If you’ve discovered a pattern to their ways, they’ll make sure they aren’t so predictable the next time around. Being seen as “normal” simply won’t do!

With Mars, the planet of energy and drive, in an Air sign, these individuals get off on mental and intellectual pursuits. Aquarius is a somewhat scattered sign, even though it’s persevering in the long haul. If there’s a method to their madness, it isn’t always easy to see. Projects are taken on with a shotgun-style approach with this position of Mars.

Mars in Air signs are generally quite clever at getting what they want; in Aquarius, they are particularly adept at getting their way. While this is not an overtly aggressive position of Mars (Aquarius has a manner that is far too detached to come across too forcefully), it is very willful. Combine willfulness with the cleverness of an Air sign, and you have a person who is quite creative about getting what they want–which generally is getting their way! Unlike with Mars in Aries or Leo natives, for example, you won’t always know you’re being dominated by a Mars in Aquarius native!

One of the most pleasant characteristics of Mars in Aquarius natives is their willingness to let others be. They place a lot of value in freedom and individuality—theirs and yours. They need space to be themselves and plenty of room to breathe. Generally not the touchy-feely types, these natives often laugh at sentimentality and tradition. In personal relationships, their approach to intimacy is definitely on the detached side, which can be baffling and frustrating to more personal and affectionate personalities.

Of all the personal planets in the sign of Aquarius, Mars placed here can show the strongest “reformer” streak. The Aquarian ideal of equality works big time with this position, and the desire to push their agenda on others (usually in creative, rather than aggressive, ways) runs high. Obstinacy and a superiority complex are this position’s least desirable traits; openness to new ways of doing things (as long as they’re not forced upon them) is where they shine.

Jupiter in Virgo

Attracts the most good fortune when they are helpful, honest, orderly, and when they pay attention to details. The service industries, nutrition, and health are prosperous avenues. Practical and technical knowledge and skills are most valued. A real problem solver and others appreciate their help. Doesn’t always feel lucky or especially ambitious. Instead, hard work is valued.

*Note that Neptune and Pluto spend many years in the same sign. The following are considered generational influences since one shares the same Neptune and Pluto signs as others in the same generation. This means they’re not especially personal, but if either planet is aligned with a personal planet or luminary, such as the Sun or Moon, Mercury, Venus, or Mars, the interpretation is far more relevant.

Neptune in Capricorn

Your vision of an ideal world may center around respect for rules, order, responsibility, and morality. You need to believe in the realizability of your dreams, and this means that your fantasies usually have a very realistic thread to them. There is a conservative, possibly somewhat cynical element to your nature. Because general optimism/faith does not typically carry or motivate you, energy levels may not be high when you don’t believe in what you’re doing, and inspiration is not easy to find in the first place. However, you can turn a dream into reality more easily than most. Your vision is practical but also doable.

Pluto in Scorpio

Your feelings about intimacy, sexuality, dependency, attachment, and support are intense. You can readily go to extremes as you seek a deeper connection to someone or a special project or goal. The quest to distinguish yourself in any of these areas can be so fraught with pressure at times that you rarely allow yourself to feel content and satisfied. You may need to work harder than most to let yourself to be anything less than strong. You are not afraid to call evil for what it is. You are a rare combination of compassionate and practical. With Pluto working at its best, you are brilliantly perceptive and understanding–quick to see the many different layers of any given situation.

[violetsystems]

#personal

There’s been a lot of encouraging news in the face of absolute disaster lately.  None of it really applies to anybody but me.  So I have been living that reality to the best of my ability.  It hasn’t been without missteps.  Things feel even more fucked up than they were in the world let alone life.  For me society trends downward when I shut the door.  So I’ve been focusing on improving my surroundings.  My kitchen has officially become my office.  Google announced their employees were working from home until the end of the year.  Facebook threw its hands up and said forever.  My situation is far more complex but doing my job depends on the internet.  I upgraded my router back in April at the first hint of all of this.  Slowly I’ve been building up the infrastructure around here to support me being able to do my job.  I upgraded my internet and finally got a home phone number linked to a 312 area code.  I’ve been relying on package delivery for a good month and a half.  The amount of packages I’ve had stolen has dwindled.  Yesterday the Stussy drop from Dover Street Market was misdelivered.  The day before they wouldn’t drop it off without a signature.  I had to flag down the fed ex truck on the corner.  I walked them back to the address explaining that I had to be vigilant due to gang activity.  That morning when I put out the signature release one of the gang members from the block had talked to me.  Mostly in passing about life.  I’m pretty sure theirs is rougher than mine.  But that’s the upfront and transparent life I live.  Having to be up front and center with people at all times nobody what emotions I feel inside.  I wore a mask when I approached the fed ex truck.  When I walked them back they discovered they had delivered both packages for my address to the neighbor.  So I killed two birds with one stone though my neighbor would never know.  I woke up Sunday morning to a pigeon completely ripped apart on my porch.  I can’t tell if it was the cats or something else.  I cleaned it up at eight in the morning regardless.  Finally just decided to clean and minimize the porch for the summer.  I had a refurbished shark robot vacuum delivered by UPS that same day.  They texted my phone and I ran out to grab it.  The guy thanked me for being fast.  I plugged it in and set up the app on my phone.  The splash screen showed a clean, neutral home.  Lurking in the background picture was my router.  I let the thing run for an hour.  It picked up dust I never knew existed.  My cat is bewildered and afraid.  Much like most of the neighborhood is when my name comes up in conversation.  What is he like?  What does he do?  Is he single?  No.  No.  And no.  Do I get things delivered on time?  I get them in the end.  I ran around the neighborhood in the Nike X Stussy drop after my works hours yesterday.  I almost got run over twice.  The shirt says increase the peace.  I guess I struck a nerve.  And yet people have been walking over me for years.  The embarrassing part is now everybody sees just how much and in what context.  And people are reasonably scared because as calm as I seem if they were in my shoes it would be different.  They would break down.  They would collapse.  My credit score went up a hundred points this week.  That’s some encouraging news.  Cash positive is a good look.  Too bad our president isn’t.

Money seems to be all that is important to people these days.  How much you spend.  What deals you make and steals you uncover.  I try to play that game sometimes.  I’ve saved a lot of money over the last few months.  Locked down.  I’ve improved my health, my cooking skills, my body tone, and my video game performance.  I just pieced out the first stage of a new desktop.  A mid sized microatx ryzen.  The first PC I’ve built in over a decade.  My goal is to play wow at the maximum settings on my TV.  More so like the phone, I’d just rather have my own computer for home.  My watch has organized a lot of my appointments and responsibilities in a low key way.  Much how I continue to live my life.  Low key.  This is not to say I feel trapped between two huge plates of metal.  The one grind where I’m not good or important enough to pay attention to in real life.  The other grind where people use me as a bait or decoy to trick people.  Neither of those cases treat me like a human being.  I have been hurt so much by this process that I have transcended to a point where I don’t bother much with society.  And yet society still expects so much out of me.  I ordered my Jacobin magazines for Mayday.  I might sit out on my porch, drink tea and read them by myself.  But nobody ever engages me in a way that’s respectful.  It’s all trick after trick.  Scam after scam.  Hushed back talk and shadowed praise.  I am fucking invisible.  Nobody cares about me.  If they do, they aren’t able to show it.  And there’s only a few people I love enough to understand that relationship deeply.  The rest of the world is empty to me aside from animals and gardening.  I should be so much more.  And somehow looking back to the last decade I am.  It’s just not of value to anyone but me.  And I’m not really interested in taking another step backwards to show how genuine and truthful I am.  The embarrassing thing is while people gave the most vile people the pass because they were more famous or pretty I suffered.  Over and over and over again.  To the point where whatever it was people were chasing after seemed meaningless to me.  I tried so hard to get back on track.  And then I did.  And I took a look around and it frightens me.  Nobody knows the value of anything beyond money.  And I’ve held a job consistently for twenty years.  Paid taxes for twenty years.  Grown actual competitive job skills for twenty years.  Accrued a pension.  Travelled the world.  Networked all over the map.  And I’m still here on tumblr every Saturday.  Typing away as a warning.  One that nobody really hears other than myself and my friends.  Who I think have offered me a place to control my own narrative in the face of lies, bullshit, and selfishness.  It all took work.  Courage.  Callous confrontation.  A look in the mirror of what it is I could become.  And what it is I am now.  I don’t really know.  I deserve to know.  I deserve to be loved, respected and treated like a valuable human being.  I know I am not.

For the record, I’m Tim.  I fucking hate politics.  I am an adult who has seen more of my time wasted and freedom siphoned.  And I also live in America.  A place where people tell me to stay indoors and shut the door.  A place where if you come knocking with a warrant you better be wearing a mask.  A place where I pay it forward enough and keep a high enough profile to avoid awkward conversations like that.  And yet space is still encroached on.  I am for the record enjoying the territorial markings.  I’ve carved out a very special place for myself in the third most populated city in America next to LA and New York.  I was thinking about heading to LA for a day sometime.  A lot of my friends out there are in the same ecosystem.  And yet the internet has kept us all together regardless.  Tied and knitted together by the stories, art, fashion and ideals we felt important to share with each other.  We are a community in and of itself.  The community that I pay forward to and have seen so many great things happen in my life.  Free thinking and independent minds linked like block chain when it comes to the latest drops or rare trivia related to science, anime or that little horny fucking skeleton guy you people draw.  People are always failing at engaging us.  And so we fall back to our dead platform and seeth in our collective anger sometimes.  Other times life goes on and we post another picture.  I post the same picture every once and awhile to let everybody know how much of a nerd I am.  And also how romantic I think I am when everybody tells me I don’t exist and could never connect with anyone.  I’m not good enough.  Handsome enough.  Young enough.  Happy enough.  For the record, people lie to discourage you.  They talk behind your back because they’re afraid of the competition.  They’re afraid of having to work as hard as you.  Suffer as a horribly as you in silence.  They have no plan other than being negative.  Playing dirty tricks.  Playing people against each other.  Using discontent, anger, division against their own people for the sake of consolidating power.  I’ve written about it in anguish for years.  And people just don’t listen.  I do.  I act on things creatively.  I think on my toes.  When the package doesn’t get delivered I don’t sit and wonder why.  I go out there and get it.  When the test of time is withstood.  It’s me sitting there with a faint smile on my face and a knowing look.  It’s been a long time.  And as long as I’m around you know what consistency looks like.  And maybe what forever has the potential to be.  Me and you.  Not me, you and the rest of society constantly knocking on our door asking for milk and sugar.  What will the neighbors think if I don’t answer?  That my time is more valuable spent with you.  A long time of no regrets.  Just forward thinking and self care.  And a humidifier in the bedroom.  Speaking of clearing the air. <3 Tim

[breedavies]

Vote, Baby. Vote.: Here’s How I Voted in the 2017 Denver Elections

Denver! Ballots are due by Tuesday, November 7th at 7pm. So far, voter turnout has been abysmal. Can we really allow a small percentage of our population to make the decisions as to how $937 million of our future money as a city is spent? I don't think so. We can do better!

Since many of you asked (and I'm so happy that you did!) what I think about the 2017 ballot, I wanted to share my reasoning for how/why I'm voting -- still, I encourage you to seek out sources for additional information so YOU can make the informed decisions that best represent your own views. Below my voting information, I’ve included some resources to guide you! ***I'm also not interested in debating:) This is how I voted and I encourage you to make your own decisions*** (p.s. I dunno if it needs to be said but these are MY views, not the views of any organization, group or business I may do work with or represent outside of social media, etc.) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE VOTE. These elections are important and will have an impact on your life in Denver for generations to come. We are always talking about what is happening to this city and you actually have a chance to do something about it! 

On twitter? let me know you voted and I will retweet you! @cocodavies

HOW TO VOTE:

You should have gotten a ballot in the mail. After you fill it out, go to

the Secretary of State’s website to find out where the nearest ballot drop-off is located.

It's super easy! Just put your address into the box marked "Where do I vote or drop off my ballot?" and it will tell you where the closest location is.

Please drop your ballot ON OR BEFORE 7p.m. on Tuesday, November 7th!

Here goes, in order of how issues appear on the ballot:

Denver Public Schools Director At-Large:

Maybe you're like me and don't have kids in DPS. Maybe you have kids but they go to private schools. Neither of these things matter -- YOU NEED TO HAVE A SAY IN WHO LEADS DPS.

Why? DPS is one of the largest employers in the state. The health of our public schools is often a good indicator of the health of our neighborhoods. Also, hi. Children are the literal future. We need them to have equitable access to all of the tools, resources and experiences they need to become great humans.

My vote is for: Julie Bañuelos

I'll let Julie say why:

"During my 15+ years with DPS, I’ve worked mostly with communities of color with large constituents of immigrants, students and families of English Language Learners – groups to whom I am still tied and who are most impacted by passionate teachers that invest not just their time, but also their souls to these academic and personal relationships."

Enough said. I was sold. Julie’s career has been equity-focused and she’s been on the ground working with the populations she will be serving. We need more people like Julie in office.

(NOTE: If you have an open seat in your district for school board, please see A+ Colorado's breakdown of each candidate on their website! I have a link below.)

Ok, so- The GO Bond:

Here's the "nobody reads paragraphs just gimme the votes" version:

2A- No

2B- No

2C- No

2D- No

2E- Yes

2F- Yes

2G- No

2H- Yes

I-300- Yes

::::::::::::::::And here's the blowhard version of my votes:::::::::::::::::

GO Bond: some thoughts

This was tough. I am beyond disappointed that not a drop of money could have been set aside for affordable housing. That, and I was also inundated with materials from the city pushing me to vote yes on all measures; in fact, the city spent $2.4 MILLION on the campaign to push this through, a campaign that was unopposed, by the way, so they technically could have spent nothing. (I'm also including a link below to all of the donors who contributed to this campaign, because they will no doubt be donating to Hancock's re-election campaign, so get ready for that nightmare.)

My burning question with the GO Bond as a whole: With all of these "improvements" promised to be made with almost a billion of our future tax dollars, will we be subsidizing our own displacement? Will these improvements only accelerate gentrification? I don't have a crystal ball. I can't tell. But I am skeptical.

I also straight up do not trust the current administration or city council with $937 million. We have multiple multi-billion dollar "shiny object" projects in the works already- the I-70 environmentally racist nightmare, the National Western 

None of these projects have the most vulnerable people they will be negatively impacting in mind. I am scared for my city and our people. Money is seemingly everywhere, but we are losing our foundational folks because they cannot afford the basic necessities anymore.

2A- Denver Transportation & Mobility System Bonds - No.

I have no doubt this will pass. It doesn't need my vote to pass. But the refusal to consider housing as a part of the $431 million transit alone is unbelievable to me. I also don't trust that these projects will necessarily be fulfilled and I worry that those neighborhoods that need basics like sidewalks and safe crossings may never see them. I love you, transit lobby, and know you mean well. I wish you the best. You’ll be fine. 

2B- Denver Cultural Facilities Bonds - No.

I know, you're thinking, like, what? Bree, you love arts & culture! You're an advocate for artists and the institutions that make our arts scene great! I'm all for supporting any entity that creates opportunities for folks to see/participate/experience/make art. But guess what?

We already passed the SCFD tax - that tax FUNDS THESE INSTITUTIONS. The large organizations (think the Denver Zoo, the DMNS, Botanic Gardens, the DAM, DCPA) get their own dang tax. They also have large donor bases. They also have marketing departments and funding streams small non-profits on the ground doing the hard work do not.

Until our smaller organizations get the funding they deserve, these cultural behemoths can take care of themselves.

2C - Denver Health and Hospital Authority Bonds- No.

It comes down to a total lack of trust in the finds actually being spent on these things promised. Shout out to Candi CdeBaca for her research on this one. I've linked her own voter guide below. Please read her POV on all of these issues.

2D- Denver Public Safety System Bonds - No.

It sucks that they lump fire stations in with police stations because I would have voted yes on this otherwise. But- fuck the police. Fuck the police state. Dismantle the system. No money to support a racist, classist unjust "justice" system.

2E- Denver Library System Bonds - Yes.

The library takes better care of our people than our government does (just see how they are taking an empathetic approach to the opioid crisis and our folks experiencing homelessness.) Libraries are *thankfully* hotbeds of radical liberalism and I love everything they do for our world. Knowledge is power. Librarians save lives.

2F- Denver Parks & Recreation System Bonds - Yes.

This was a toughie, ONLY because this is one of those instances where I am concerned we will be subsidizing displacement. When we make improvements to long neglected areas of the city, they often become flags for land-owners to wave to attract gentrification.

If Westwood finally gets its long-deserved rec center, will the folks/families who live there now get to see it come to fruition in five years? My friends working in land trust operations and food access say yes, our people will get to stay. I trust they are right because they work directly with the people.

I do not want to see what happened to the Northside happen to the Westside.

2G- Denver Public Facilities System Bonds - No.

I again referred to Candi on this one. She says the allotment of money is too vague and that's enough for me. Again, a lack of trust in our current administration is having a huge impact on how I'm voting -- which is a bummer, because they have so many tools at their disposal to make this city a more equitable place for all. Money just isn't the only tool.

Beyond the Bond:

Referred Question 2H- Yes.

I can only assume (hope?) adding more board members to an entity of this size will bring more voices to the table.

I-300- The Green Roof Initiative- Yes.

This requires builders to put money into investing in our future. It is a step toward an actually greener city. It was opposed by our mayor, which is disheartening. I believe that he is ok with spending our money as a city, but when builders are asked to put more money toward a better Denver, he's not interested in asking for that. Who he stands with says a lot about who he cares about.

Also, this was a citizen-led campaign. This is how much people care about a healthy future for Denver. (A link to the Green Roof Initiative is below, if you want a detailed explanation of what, exactly, the initiative will do, if passed.)

Resources: 

Please, take a few minutes to read about each ballot issue so you can feel confident in the choices you make for the city of Denver. I’ve compiled a list of places I found good information to help me make my choices: In Denver’s at-large school board race, a familiar face and two challengers who want change via Melanie Asmar at Chalkbeat A+ Colorado's 2017 Denver Public Schools – School Board Candidate Survey GO? Or No GO?: A 2017 Denver Election Guide by Candi CdeBaca via Project VOYCE Your Denver 2017 Election Guide: What you need to know about ballot measures and school board candidates - via Erica Meltzer at Denverite Denver 2017 election guide: A $937 million bond package and the Green Roof Initiative are on the ballot via Jon Murray at The Denver Post A line-by-line look at the Mayor's recommended investments (where the GO Bond money is supposed to go if it all passes) Green Roof Initiative's breakdown of their proposal Ballotpedia’s breakdown of each measure And if you’re interested, here’s the campaign finance report for the entities/companies/people donated (to an unopposed campaign) Denver, please. Please vote. 

xo b

[sethisrael]

right/wrong/neither

I recommend listening to this song while reading; it helps me focus and it might help you too. :)

When I began our class in public art in sound and listening, my way of thinking was very much rooted in discernible outcomes and notions of success. This was largely a product of the environments I had existed in growing up: intense, competitive academic spaces, playing sports, going to a well-regarded college. Even in my first year at Brown, the notion of comparative success was pushed forth; I was denied entry to classes due to a comparatively worse portfolio, writing sample, or application. Not only were opportunities to learn limited, once in class, creative assignments I submitted were deemed poor in quality because they were not up to par with the level of the rest of the class or did not meet expectations of a rigid rubric imposed by the professor. I questioned why the system existed in the way that promoted uniformity and rewarded following rigid instructions over organic growth and learning.

Even at a place like Brown University where a liberal education is championed, I felt limited in my ability to make choices for myself, questioning my every decision and my place on campus. Why did every decision I made feel “wrong”? Why did I constantly feel like I was in the “wrong” place, doing the “wrong” things? It was around this time of self-doubt that we read Miwon Kwon’s “The Wrong Place” and Judith Halberstam’s The Queer Art of Failure. For a long time, it had been explained to me that the greatest growth and discovery was made when I failed, when things didn’t work out, but I was still resistant. Halberstam’s writing expressed a similar sentiment in a way that spoke to me greatly. As Halberstam explains in the introduction, “Failure preserves some of the wondrous anarchy of childhood and disturbs the supposedly clean boundaries between adults and children, winners and losers,” and later points out that “[failure] provides the opportunity to use these negative affects to poke holes in the toxic positivity of contemporary life” (Halberstam 3). Halberstam’s argument recognizes the importance of positivity but also the ability for negativity to shift our perspective and view things through a different or critical scope.

In a similar vane, Kwon’s writing recognizes that objective rights/wrongs are nonexistent, but our relationship to objects, beings, and places is what defines our sense of right and wrong: “The determination of right and wrong is never derived from an innate quality of the object in question, even if some moral absolutes might seem to preside over the object. Rather, right and wrong are qualities that an object has in relation to something outside itself… The more important point here is that it is we who are wrong for this kind of ‘new’ space” (Kwon 38-39). Kwon explains that ending up in the “wrong” place can often lead us to new discoveries about ourselves that we would miss if we follow rigid, “correct” paths. I really love one of her closing statements in the piece:

“Often we are comforted by the thought that a place is ours, that we belong to it, perhaps even come from it, and therefore are tied to it in some fundamental way. Such places (‘right’ places) are thought to reaffirms our sense of self, reflecting back to us an unthreatening picture of a grounded identity. This kind of continuous relationship between a place and a person is what is deemed lost, and needed in contemporary society. In contrast, the wrong place is generally thought of as a place where one fells one does not belong—unfamiliar, disorienting, destabilizing, even threatening. This kind of stressful relationship to a place is, in turn, though to be detrimental to a subject’s capacity to constitute a coherent sense of self and the world” (Kwon 42).

Kwon and Halberstam’s discussion of failure and place bring me to one of the first posts I made on our class soundblog, a podcast profiling the artist Emily A. Sprague, a founding member of the band Florist and an independent artists as well, working primarily in ambient music and creating with Eurorack modular synthesizers. Hailing from a rural community in the Catskill Mountains, Sprague explains how space has shaped her processes of creation: “Every studio I’ve ever had has been in the place that I’ve been living in… You learn from that, being in spaces that aren’t ‘Studio Bs’… You just learn to work with what you have” (Sound + Process). On her origins, Sprague later explains, “Community has always been something that I’ve known to be incredibly hard to find and also the best and most rewarding and inspiring thing that you can experience. I’m from a small town in a pretty rural area; I didn’t really find people until I was older than I really felt a part of a community with, with making music” (Sound + Process). Like Halberstam’s argument, Sprague has repeatedly tried and experimented with space and technique, creating new ways to approach modular synth and pushing the boundaries of genre. Like Kwon explains, Sprague has made new discoveries in her process of making through the space she’s in—not that place is right or wrong, but just that they are different, and produce a different result.

With her process of making rooted in modular synthesis, it is hard to deny Sprague’s precedents. On June 7th, 2017, Sprague made an Instagram post of a single book on a hardwood table: Daphne Oram’s An Individual Note of Music Sound, and Electronics. Daphne Oram, born in 1925 and passed away in 2003, was one of the central figures in the development of British experimental electronic music (Anomie Publishing). Oram declined a place at the Royal College of Music to become a music balancer at the BBC, and she went on to become the co-founder and first director of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop (Anomie). Leaving the BBC in 1959 to pursue commercial work in television, advertising, film and theater, Oram also made her own music for recording and performance, continuing her personal research into sound technology. Sound technology was a passion Oram cultivated since her childhood in rural Wiltshire (Anomie). Eventually her home in Kent became an unorthodox studio and workshop, which she crafted on a minimal budget (Anomie). Additionally, Oram developed her pioneering equipment, sounds, and ideas at her home studio. A significant part of her personal research was the invention of a machine that offered a new form of sound synthesis – the Oramics machine (Anomie). Her biography further cements her as influential to contemporary electronic artists, with Oram’s contribution to electronic music receiving considerable attention from new generations of composers, sound engineers, musicians, musicologists and music lovers around the world (Anomie).

Like Wendy Carlos, Oram was a pioneer of synthesizer music and technology, definitively changing the ways her contemporaries approached synthesis, as well as generations for years to come. It seems as though Carlos, Oram, and Sprague are inextricably linked. As Carlos focuses intently on her studio in her website/primary form of external communication, it is evident that the artist considers her studio as a point of pride and importance (Wendy Carlos website). If Wendy Carlos’s studio is Persian rugs, felines, and the crackle of a fireplace on a frigid winter day and Oram’s is a quiet converted oasthouse, then Sprague’s studio is a surfboard leaned against a corner next to a human-sized floor plant as sun pours in through a skylight on a warm California morning (Kheshti). Like Kheshti’s relationship with Carlos, I feel connected to Sprague in a similar way. I do not mean to equate our relationships or interpolate myself in the discussion of electronic musicians, but I do find great joy in listening to electronic music and feel that it is an important part of my life, similar to the way Kheshti describes.

There is something extremely childlike, imaginative, and fantastical about home studios. They are places for experimentation and imagination, mostly unbounded by judgement or criticism, creating a place to take risks and make new discoveries. In many ways a home studio allows for a democratic education of sorts, a place where a creator can speak their own language and have internal dialogue, unrestricted by rigid constraints that may be imposed externally otherwise, and even explore the inherent fun in learning (hooks 43-44).

The ability for these artists to create in unexpected places and to push the boundaries of their genre and craft remind me of Fluxus artists like Yoko Ono or Alison Knowles. There is an ambiguity in place and correctness of a Fluxus score. They are not defined by doing things in a certain way or a certain place or for a certain outcome, but doing for the sake of doing, trying, experimenting, learning, and moving forward. I recently watched a film that referenced Yoko Ono’s “Ceiling Painting, Yes Painting” (1966), where the person interacting climbs a ladder to a magnifying glass in order to discern a tiny speck on the ceiling that reads “YES” (Guggenheim Bilbao). I think this piece is beautifully poetic in a number of ways, but specifically for its affirmation in discovery, and doing so in a playful, almost childlike and imaginative manner. On this note, I want to include some scores I wrote throughout the course of the semester for consideration, reflection, and response (dots indicate separate scores):

sit on a bench and be the last to break eye contact with a stranger • collect fallen leaves from the ground into a paper bag and deliver to someone • learn the language of a Tree and have a conversation • ask a loved one (or a complete stranger) to name a favorite song and listen to it in full • listen to your breath as you run up a steep hill and walk down slowly; listen to your breath as you walk up a steep hill and run down slowly • cut holes in an umbrella during a rainstorm and listen to the irony pour through • get a bicycle and ride across America • hold your palms and fingers gently over the tips of grass at dawn and wipe the dew across your cheeks • do nothing • sitting cross-legged on the floor, recount in detail to an audience (of any or no size) the most recent dream that you can remember • make a friend • look at the Atlantic Ocean; turn 180 degrees; walk; look at the Pacific Ocean • grab a cactus / smash a guitar • move fast so that wind becomes music

Through all these artists, authors, activists, and beyond, like Ono, Knowles, Carlos, Oram, Halberstam, Kwon, hooks, Kheshti, it is clear that approaching things not with notions of right or wrong, but with the intention of discovery, experimentation, and playful imagination is a valuable way of living. In the inscription to hook’s Teaching Community, the author quotes Paulo Freire: “It is imperative that we maintain hope even when the harshness of reality may suggest the opposite.” In many ways, these figures stand for just that: a rejection of the harshness of reality through creativity, experimentation, discovery, and a love for learning.

Bibliography

“Ceiling Painting, Yes Painting (1966).” Guggenheim Bilbao, http://yokoono.guggenheim-bilbao.eus/en/artworks/ceiling-painting-yes-painting.html.

“Daphne Oram – An Individual Note of Music, Sound and Electronics.” Anomie Publishing, Anomie Publishing and The Daphne Oram Trust.

“Emily Sprague: SOUND PROCESS #8.” SoundCloud, 2017, https://soundcloud.com/sound-and-process/es_ep8.

Halberstam, Judith. The Queer Art of Failure. Duke University Press, 2011.

Hooks, Bell. Teaching Community. Routledge, 2003.

Kheshti, Roshanak. Swithced-on Bach. Bloomsbury Academic, 2019.

Kwon, Miwon. “The Wrong Place.” Art Journal, vol. 59, no. 1, 2000, pp. 33–43. JSTOR, doi:10.2307/778080.

“Wendy Carlos.” Wendy Carlos, http://www.wendycarlos.com/.

[callistolivia]

Venus Aspects

Venus is my best friend so here we go...

Sun - Venus Aspects (I’ve done these ones before, but I want to include it again in this Venus aspect master post)

In a person’s chart, the Sun and Venus are never further than 48 degrees apart; the only possible aspects it can have are a conjunction, semi-sextile, or a semi-square.

Sun conjunct Venus This creates a strong connection to Venus’ energy and carries over Venusian traits. These people are in tune with the beauty of life. They are charming and easy-going. They are very romantic, but they too often get tied up into the thought that a prince or princess will come for them rather than they find a lover themselves. With that being said though, they do possess a magnetic attraction and a lot of people will fall for their charms. This aspect softens the masculinity parts of you into feminine and gentle pursuit.  

Sun semi-sextile Venus When the Sun and Venus are 30 degrees apart (2 degree orb) it creates a semi-sextile. A weaker aspect, but still have some influence on the individual. These people are cheerful, good humoured, and optimistic. Semi-sextile is a 12th harmonic aspect, so with that vibe you can imagine that the influence this aspect creates will almost go unnoticed. 

Sun semi-square Venus When the Sun and Venus are 45 degrees apart (4 degree orb, but the closer, the stronger) it creates the semi-square. This is another weaker aspect, but it does create a strong pursuit for talent in music and dance. These people also seem to be strongly inclined to female offspring. These people are sensitive and somewhat shy (still keeping in mind that this is a minor aspect so major aspects elsewhere in the chart can say something else). Since this is technically a discordant aspect, the shyness is rooted from insecurity. Semi-squares being an 8th harmonic will give off some Scorpio/8th House vibes to this person’s romantic character. 

Mercury - Venus Aspects When I think of Mercury-Venus aspects, I picture a poet writing, dancing his pencil across the paper. Again, Mercury and Venus can only be so far apart, that is, never more than 76 degrees apart. So with that being said, the possible aspects that can be made are the conjunction, semi-sextile, semi-square, sextile, quintile, decile, and semi-decile. I will exclude quintiles, deciles, and semi-deciles, but you can sort of get an idea on how to interpret a Mercury-Venus decile/semi-decile by acknowledging a decile/semidecile’s Capricorn/Saturn/10th House energy. And for hints on how to interpret a quintile/biquintile, I talk about this aspect here. 

Mercury conjunct Venus The mind is very refined and artistic. Soft and charming. Ideas and voice can be almost hypnotizing. Very friendly when unafflicted. Speaks beauty so effortlessly. According to C.E.O. Carter, people with this aspect are typically fond of youth and may even act juvenile... This could create a wide range of motives to why someone might act this way; to attract young people or to just stay “hip.” This is very true when Saturn isn’t very pronounced in the chart. You can imagine people with this aspect being quite proficient in writing, music, or speaking, especially when this aspect is in the 3rd or 5th house. 

Mercury sextile Venus Great placement for musicians; it combines the mind with artistic abilities. Very artistic. Friendly, charming, and social, may come off a little fake though (unless of course, the rest of the chart says otherwise). Like all harmonious Venus-Mercury aspects, you have a way with words; a great conversationalist. 

Mercury semi-sextile Venus Very minor aspect so again, it may go unnoticed, but because it is harmonious, it still has its intellect and charm to it. Like the sextile, the individual can be a good speaker. I would consider this another good placement for musicians just because semi-sextiles are 12th harmonics so therefore there could be some Neptune vibes drawing in there. Artistic ability is definitely there, but will need to seek it out even harder than the sextile. 

Mercury semi-square Venus The 8th harmonic sprouting from a semi-square could potentially make the individual possessive, perceptive, seductive, and manipulative. An alluring charm to the way they communicate to others. Can sometimes be negative for relationships if the controlling aspects to this placement are indeed prominent. 

Moon - Venus Aspects Moon conjunct Venus If prominent in the native chart, they have a calm and gentle presence. There is a strong appreciation for love, beauty, and art. Generally all around affectionate, charming, and trusting. This sensitivity might make the person prone to people using them because they are sort of a “Yes-man” type person. Strong motherly character to them. A very good placement for people who wish to have children as it symbolizes harmonious family life. 

Moon sextile or trine Venus Quite similar to the conjunction in the sense that they are very artistic. Blessed with charm and attractiveness. Financially a good placement as well, money is hardly an issue unless badly afflicted somewhere else in the chart. The trine comes more naturally than the sextile.

Moon square Venus Difficult and afflicted position for Venus. The individual feels a sense of melancholy around the idea of love and beauty, there may be some insecurities around that as well. Unless Venus shares a stronger, more positive aspect some where else in the person’s chart, this is not a very good aspect for money. There are strong insecurities to bring the effeminate side of the person out, they hide it through aggressiveness and toughness. To overcome this hard aspect, the person needs to accept genuine love where it is given, do not shut it out. Financially, the individual should look to earthy aspects in their chart to handle money better and for stability. Work on being more loving unconditionally.

Moon opposite Venus This aspect is not as difficult to handle as the square, but there is work involved. There are fears of being unloved and difficulties with handling finances. Again, accept genuine love where it is given and give love where it is deserved. I feel this aspect can also be overcome by a strong relationship between them and their lover or them and the mother. Disconnection of the mother through this aspect tends to have very negative affects on the individual. 

Venus - Mars Aspects

Venus conjunct Mars While conjunctions are commonly seen as harmonious, they are actually in fact neutral and in this case, the powerful combination of Venus and Mars can actually be quite difficult. Depending on where Venus and Mars are positioned will depict just how this aspect will act (the Venus side of this aspect may smother Mars if Venus is in an empowering sign and vice versa). An overpowering Venus will weaken Mars’ abilities therefore the individual could lack qualities Mars typically provides (such as, drive towards passions...). The overpowering Venus will favour fairness, love, and harmony, but will also be lazy, superficial, etc. On the other spectrum, we have an overpowering Mars which could make the individual lack Venus’ gentle and loving traits. Lust and power could be a big thing for Mars placed here. Can make the individual moody and reckless, but brave. Both extremes can be balanced by focusing on the one that is being weakened. 

Venus sextile or trine Mars Harmony between the spirit and animal self. Makes a strong, enthusiastic, courageous character. Very good placement for health, makes for a generally robust and healthy body. Great love of life and they tend to just effortlessly tread through life like a warrior. Affectionate and kind. Makes the individual magnetically attractive to the opposite sex. Mars will put any sort of Venus related talents to work and may prefer Venus related activities, but can also do well in athletic fields as well. 

Venus square Mars Quite a difficult aspect that needs taming and it can manifest in different ways. From what some astrologers have observed, this aspect can create conflict with family life; this could range anywhere from quarrels or unfortunate family events. It does not doom romantic relationships, but it does stir up drama. Romantic life has quite a bit of flare; passion, heartbreak, tears, kiss-and-makeup sort of situations... It’s very extra. Creates a jealous and possessive character and should try to work on eliminating this trait. In masculine individuals, it can make them harsh, unloving, or unruly; this must be tamed in order to find a healthy, happy, permanent mate. Careful who you marry or dedicate your life to; avoid marrying young or marry wisely. Sex drive is either too much or very little with this aspect. Usually impatient and many unfulfilled desires. Look to what houses are involved with this aspect because what this aspect comes down to is conflict between passion and harmony to whichever houses are involved. Harmonious aspects to Saturn can calm this position down. Aside from the negativity this aspect gives off, it can create an extremely passionate and driven character.

Venus opposite Mars Oppositions represent outer forces creating conflict. This aspect has many of the same difficulties and tendencies as the square, but it is much easier to escape its framework with conscious movements away from its negative energy. People who are more feminine ruled will develop overly sensitive traits and attract men who are aggressive and licentious. People who are masculine ruled likely have aggressive and touchy traits and attract overly sensitive and submissive women into their lives. Either way, both characters come on too strong. This aspect also represents conflict with the opposite sex; that can be manifested in many ways like oppression, difficult parents, etc. Just like the square, it can create a very passionate and driven character.

Venus - Jupiter Aspects

Venus conjunct Jupiter Considered the “lucky” aspect as Venus and Jupiter endlessly compliment each other, but there can be too much cheese and wine if you know what I mean (indulgence... Laziness... Self-centredness... Impulsive...). But yes, this is considered one of the best aspects a natal chart can have as it represents a very artistically developed character with great appreciation for beauty and absolute gracefulness. Popularity and prosperity also come from this aspect. Jupiter expands all that Venus has to offer, Jupiter gives Venus a huge heart to just love all of life’s virtues. 

Venus sextile or trine Jupiter Many of the same benefits as the conjunctions, less of the negative traits as they are more controlled with these aspects. The sextile needs to actually be put to work to achieve the benefits whereas the trine makes them come naturally to the individual. There is also a strong interest in religion and attunement to the Higher Self. 

Venus square Jupiter What’s great about Jupiter aspects is that the negative aspects often get same benefits as the positive aspects (trine, conjunction, sextile, etc.); it is the case for Venus squaring Jupiter, but on top of that, there are some negatives that need to be controlled and overcome. Typically problems routed from this aspect are over-indulgence, bad judgement, vanity, laziness, and doing things without purpose; the individual usually overdoes it or doesn’t do enough. May be foolish with money; if this is controlled, the individual can be quite prosperous though. Individuals with this placement should be wary of the consumption of alcohol and fatty, rich foods as the liver is sensitive with this aspect.

Venus opposite Jupiter Again, like I mentioned in the square, negative Jupiter aspects can still possess the same benefits as the trine or sextile. It does also possess the same troubles as the square, but often times the problems come from outer forces and aren’t caused by the individual themselves. Often times the issues, whether they be financial, or romantic, or etc. issues, can come from foreigners, travelling, or just justice. It’s best to also see what houses are involved with this aspect to get a better idea where the excess and trouble comes from. 

Venus - Saturn Aspects

Venus conjunct Saturn In this case, the intense energy coming from the conjunction can be a bit discordant; here we have love being smothered by Saturn’s restriction. So yes, there is a lack of lovingness from this aspect, but it is because Saturn is making Venus cautious in love and considerate of their own feelings. Saturn will restrict the use of money as well; an individual with this aspect can be quite stingy, even possibly to the point of being a Ebenezer Scrooge. It is, however, perfectly okay to be careful with finances, but it is the selfishness that could create a problem; it will attract equally selfish people. Insecurity is another issue with this aspect as it restricts Venus’ ability to appreciate one’s own beauty. An individual with this aspect may not even see what is described above as an issue to them; they may think that ultimately, their duty to serve on in this life is more important than beauty, love, etc. If however, what is described sounds troubling to a Venus conjunct Saturn individual, the best way to overcome these issues is sacrifice. There is no love without sacrifice, especially in the case of Venus conjunct Saturn, but the sacrifice itself could very well be a very small price to pay.

Venus sextile or trine Saturn Creates a character of absolute loyalty and dependability. Takes love very seriously and will not waste time with careless people; they value commitment. Is patient with love; one of the most important factors in love is to know that love is patient, therefore you must be patient with love. It is quite possible that insecurity is also routed from this aspect, but it really depends on the houses and signs that are involved (A detrimental Venus in aspect to the first house definitely screams insecurity). Like the conjunction, the individual can be quite careful with finances, but not to the point of being stingy. A great amount of spiritual strength and survival skills is developed with this aspect from either past-life hardships or early-life hardships. 

Venus square Saturn This aspect is what many astrologers consider karmic debt. Saturn freezes Venus when the aspect is tight on this one. It reaps disappointment through love. Loneliness is inflicted on themselves. An individual with this placement may cut themselves off from opportunities in love to avoid disappointment (or may feel they don’t deserve love) or may make foolish decisions in love which can cause obvious disappointment. The first case would be especially true if this aspect is connected to the fourth house or even the first house. The second case would be true if this aspect is connected to one of the houses involving relationships (like the seventh house). Venus - Saturn aspects also hint to greed which may be true with the square. Ultimately this aspect if trying to teach the individual to have some balance; knowing what you truly deserve and don’t deserve; to give love to receive love; to share to be shared. Like the conjunction, a person with this aspect may feel like they don’t need love because they devote that energy towards their ambition or duty... They sacrifice comfort... 

Venus opposite Saturn Some of the same negative encounters with this aspect as the square, but the problems arise mostly through outer forces like the people they meet; the outer forces are reflecting past-life behaviours. The houses involved with this aspect can tell a lot about where the problems will arise (seventh house could symbolize a difficult relationship or the tenth/fourth house could symbolize a parent, usually the father, that is a burden, distant, unloving or cold; quite possibly also the need to assimilate for the parent, the need, but often resulting in inability, to impress them. Saturn in the second house opposite to Venus may symbolize financial conflict... Saturn in the eighth house opposite Venus may symbolize conflict with inheritance..). The possible conflict with this aspect is vast and needs to be inspected carefully to really know exactly what it may represent in an individual’s chart, but to put it simply, Saturn is inflicting dread and misfortune on Venus and it is often due to the individual’s choice in environment. The effects of this aspect are easily avoidable by consciousness and choice; you can choose to be happy, you can choose what people or things effect you. 

Venus - Uranus Aspects

Venus conjunct Uranus Eccentricity draws people to this individual; it is creative, dynamic, unique, and ultimately attractive to others. Unless earth or Saturn gives some commitment and stability in the individual’s chart, this placement can make a person hard to tie down and dislikes responsibility. They never really know what they like or admire because it’s always changing! There can definitely be “a sudden change in heart” with this placement for the individual. Funny enough, if they aren't the one to break things off, they’re often extremely upset by separation. Great independence; the individual’s freedom comes before love, especially true if there is a lack of water or earth in the chart. The trick to tying one down with this aspect is to be a valuable friend before a lover as one of their morals is usually something like “Lovers come and go, but friends remain forever.” Being able to speak on a friend level gives a person with this aspect room to breathe. Artistic talent is strong with this placement as Venus combines her eye for beauty with Uranus’ unique ideas to create an artistic genius. 

Venus trine or sextile Uranus These individuals could easily be described as fascinating. Has the same magnetism and artistic genius as the conjunction. In every thing that Venus entails, Uranus is going to put some surprise twists in there; brings love, prosperity, and events from unexpected places. The sudden events and changes will always be in favour of the individual. The trine aspect brings all of these traits more easily than the sextile. 

Venus square or opposite Uranus An individual with this aspect may need to seek stability in himself before seeking a successful and stable romantic relationship for emotional instability is common with this aspect. Fickle behaviour is common. Magnetism is just as strong as the trine aspect, but it may attract the wrong type of person for this individual. Has unconventional ideas around love and sex, but this aspect won’t cause promiscuousness. Strong will to be independent to the point where the individual may forget just how much he/she relies on certain people. Demands freedom, but also needs to realize that they must give freedom to others to be, well, ultimately free. 

Venus - Neptune Aspects

Venus conjunct Neptune This has got to be the most favourable aspect among artists and musicians as it blesses a chart with immense inspiration, imagination, and romantic traits. Attractive and angelic. May be psychically sensitive. Interest in mystical or metaphysical fields can also be strong; anything of divinity. This interest in the unknown can also result in a negative direction such as escapism, but a more developed individual with this aspect will know that the path to enlightenment includes a raw and sober mind. Romantically compassionate, usually has a great understanding of the laws of love and has a lot of love to give. Nerves are sensitive in love. An individual with this placement may romanticize toxic behaviours, people, ideology, etc. 

Venus trine or sextile Neptune Like the conjunction, this is an extremely favourable aspect for artistic and musicians as it denotes great imagination, inspiration, and talent. An individual with this aspect will have a great eye for beauty and some level of refinement. Great understanding of love and values love on a spiritual level. Compassionate and is the type of person to “always be there for you.” Not super attached to the material world and just like the conjunction, there is interest in the metaphysical fields; may be psychically sensitive, if not, intuition is definitely still strong. Sensitive type. 

Venus square Neptune Neptune is creating self-deception in Venusian realms and whichever houses that are involved is where it will often take place. The most common self-deception created from this aspect is in the area of love; individuals with this aspect often create an image of how a person is when they’re clearly not like that at all; they try to fit their partner into a framework that isn’t them; a square block into a circular hole. This ultimately will bring the individual some disappointment in love when they finally realize they cannot change a person no matter how much they wish upon it. So while commonly it is that the expectations are too high in love, they can also be too low; the individual needs to find a balance in order to be happy. There is also a strong desire to seek true enlightenment and the divine, but is often unable to fully achieve this desire. The square does not affect artist ability in a negative way like some may associate with a negative Venus/Neptune aspect, in fact, it could create a positive influence on the individual’s artistic ability as squares often provide motivation and drive.

Venus opposite Neptune I mentioned in the square description that there is self-deception, but in the case of the opposition, there is deception coming from outer forces, most often people and even more specific, romantic affairs. A person with this aspect is likely to encounter someone like described in the square, but with selfish and controlling motives also. The easiest way to opt out of this experience is to simply just avoid these people; you don’t need to sacrifice your interests to fit someone else’s needs. Be wise with who you allow into your life romantically. This aspect can also manifest in other ways, not just romantic ones, but also be aware of possible deception and schemes through other Venusian realms such as money and beauty. Again, just like the square, artistic ability is not negatively affected by this aspect.

Venus - Pluto Aspects

Venus conjunct Pluto There is a great deal of lust, magnetism, and sensuality with this aspect. This aspect has the potential of making a person a master at seduction. What’s also great about this aspect is that Pluto, a planet that sees right through all there is in its rawest form, will break some of Venus’ superficialness and social barriers that Venus often entails. Romantic endeavours are far from lacking steaminess thanks to Pluto. Your artistic projects will usually have an intimate connection to you. 

Venus trine or sextile Pluto There isn’t the same amount of magnetism as the conjunction, but the people who do get caught by your allure REALLY get pulled in by you. Romantic feelings are intense and leave great emotional impact. Great value for intimacy. Eye for beauty is intense and raw. Has the same amount of empathy as a personal planet aspected to Neptune, but holds their ground and doesn’t sacrifice who they are. Looks for the good in every person. 

Venus square Pluto An individual with this aspect may have held deep grudges and indulged too much in lust and selfishness to the point where they must redeem themselves and change their behaviour in order to seek peace and happiness in this life. One way an individual can fix this behaviour is by teaching others to love and to give because teaching someone something is actually a very strategic way of teaching yourself as well. 

Venus opposite Pluto In this aspect, the individual is likely to encounter people like described in the square who are likely going to use them for pleasure and their own motives. This sort of emotional abuse can obviously take a toll on someone and carve this sort of individual into a secretive and closed-off character. The individual may have bad experiences in love that will lead them to believe that love does not exist or that they should freeze their heart from any sort of feeling of love. They may also be blind to the love that is already in their life and won’t realize it until they’ve lost it. Avoid people who are manipulative and are secretive of your affair with them, be aware of abusive people. Don’t let others destroy the concept of love to you. Give love where it is genuinely deserved, but at the same time, don’t expect anything back... Be patient with love. Appreciate and value when love is given to you.