#why limit myself to one genre when I can have a world of good music

[persephonaae]

what are ur fav goth bands? :o

I mean I guess that depends on what you count as a goth band right! Cause u got your classic sorta traditional goth bands but then I think there’s also music that might not be at first glance that traditional goth sorta sense but still could be goth music? If you understand that? And my music taste is really all over the place as well

Like in terms of bands that have that traditional goth sort of intention, I enjoy Bauhaus, Buck-Tick, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and like there’s also a lot of stuff from bands that I just haven’t really listened to a lot of their stuff yet but I like one or two songs so far

And then you have bands or musicians who. Aren’t goth per-se? But definitely have strong followings from people who could be considered goth. So like I enjoy David Bowie, Oingo Boingo, The Cure, Gary Numan, Adam Ant, Faun, Lost Horizon, The Psychedelic Furs, Blackmore’s Night, Florence & The Machine, Talking Heads (that one’s very debatable but I do know goths love a funky little song and boy Talking Heads sure has a lot of those) stuff like that

Questions like that are always funny for me to answer bc like the definition of what’s “acceptably goth” and what’s not is always changing, I just try not to think too much about it and if someone ever calls me a poser, then, ah oh well so be it I don’t really care all that much because at the very least I know my taste in music fucks

[jjksblackgf]

for a good time | myg (m)

 ❃ Festivaled Away: Burning Memories Music Festival hosted by @bangtanbathhouse  ⤞ Ticket: era of music  ⤞ Main Event: based on a song  ⤞ Games: phone sex

 ⤞ based on the song Don't Look Any Further by Dennis Edwards

pairing — phone sex operator!yoongi x fem reader summary — How many dimes does it take to make you cum, baby? genre — fluff, smut, 80's au, angst if you squint rate — 18+ word count — 3.5k warnings — explicit sexual content, nicotine use, phone sex, public (ish) sex, dirty talk, degradation, alcohol intake. author's note — big thanks to Sophie @kookskingdom for letting me use her name. I love you, baby <33

“Good morning New York City! It's 7:20 in the morning here at the Z100 station. Don’t forget to grab your coats before you leave for work, the weather is not going to be nice for those who like to stay above the 70º Fahrenheit.” 

The radio host continued to make the morning announcements, but Y/N could only think of the hot coffee on her mug, and the pop tarts on her plate. She looks at the calendar placed in the kitchen, and she can almost count the days until her semester is over. She’s so not going to miss NYU when she graduates. I should’ve taken advantage of Spring Break to catch up on sleep when I had the chance. 

“And now, the number one song on the charts, here at 100.3 FM… ‘We Are the World’...”

“Have a good day in class today, honey.”

“Thanks, dad.”

“Eat a big lunch later, don’t forget that you have your study session today.”

Pigs could fly, hell could freeze over, the sky could fall, Nixon could win the war on drugs, but one thing that could never happen is Y/N forgetting about her weekly study session at her campus library. 

“Don’t worry, mom,” she affirms in a chipper tone.

Not much drama happens at this small two bedroom apartment. Y/N’s life is fairly normal for a 20-year-old college student. She has breakfast with her parents every morning before catching two trains from Queens to Manhattan. Then, she thanks God for having only a three block walk from the station to her classes. She works part time at a local diner, on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays from 1 to 7 PM, and every Thursday she spends her afternoon babysitting the neighbor’s babies while studying for her classes.

Very boring routine. Except for Wednesdays. 

On the west side of Washington Square Park, in front of NYU’s Hayden Residence building, there’s a payphone that sits in between some bushes and a tree that resides inside the park’s limits. At 3 PM, while there’s a low traffic of pedestrians, she calls Magic.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Magic,” says the nasal voice. His usual 2:30 PM client, Mrs. Kelly. 

“Is that what you’re calling me?” Magic asks, “I thought we agreed I was going to be the submissive today,” he adds before taking a puff of his cigarette. 

“I have an emergency staff meeting in about ten minutes, so we’ll have to continue our experimentation tomorrow. I just need a quickie before I implode,”

“Okay, so why don’t you open those pretty legs for me? And you better be wearing the stockings I like if you don’t want to be punished.”

“Fuck, you’re good,” she whispers in the other line, and Magic smiles. Middle aged women are just so easy to please. “They’re all open for you, Mr. Magic. But I have been a bad girl. I’m wearing the brown ones.”

“Well then, all there’s left to do is to punish you, isn’t it?” he says before taking another hit, and Mrs. Kelly whimpers in pleasure and anticipation, “Are your office doors closed?”

“Yes, they are, Mister.”

“Tsk, that’s very bad, you see? Very, very bad!”

“W-Why?” Mrs. Kelly asks, anxiety now mixed with desire.

“Well, you’re gonna have to learn who’s really in charge here. So I need you to open that door and let everyone in that reception of yours know who’s your boss.”

“W-What?”

“You heard me, I don’t have to repeat myself,”

“Magic, I could get fired, please don’t do this to me…” Mrs. Kelly starts to beg in a whisper.

“Is Mr. Magic for you, and I don’t have all day. And if I recall correctly, you have a staff meeting in about five minutes,”

He sincerely thought he was about to lose a client, a daily client at that. He could not afford to lose a regular client, but he was in too deep now. But before he could regret it too deeply, he hears a door open on the other end of the line. He gives Mrs. Kelly a minute to readjust before giving her more orders.

“Good girl. But your punishment is just starting, darling,” Magic says as he blows smoke one more time, “You’re going to grab a pen and make a run on that ugly pantyhose. Right on that pretty little cunt. After that you’re going to write “I belong to Mr. Magic” on your inner thigh. Narrate those things while you do it so I know you’re being an obedient girl.”

2:43 PM

‘Fraternity Vacation’, that’s so interesting! Comedies are always great, even the ones with bad critic reviews, you can always count on shitty movies to… 

2:43 PM

UGH! Was time never going to pass? Y/N was getting impatient for her weekly appointment, and reading and rereading the movie’s section of the paper wasn’t entertaining her like it usually does.

Such a nice blouse that lady has… Oh, what a cute puppy!... I wish I had a dog when I was growing up… That tree is getting kind of bushy… The city’s going to do something about that, but it looks so pretty right now…

Y/N was skilled on how to distract herself, and it was always a plus to live in New York City, there’s always something you can stare at and form an opinion to pass the time. She noticed many different hair cuts, how the pigeons were behaving today, the sounds of the food carts a few yards over.

It didn’t slip her mind when she started fantasizing about her and Magic. It happened often. Every time she’d notice a young couple making out, she’d wish it was her and Magic. Watching an old couple sit on a park bench and read the paper together, wishing it was her and Magic. Watching teenagers sharing an ice cream, wishing it was her and Magic.

She also had fantasies of her own. Walking through the park holding hands, pointing to her favorite tree. They would sit there and have an impromptu picnic, buying a couple of hotdogs with mustard. She would open a book and read her favorite passages, and he would listen while caressing her back and arms.

But she quickly pushed those thoughts away once she noticed an old lady smiling at her.

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear. I didn’t mean to startle you,” the old lady says “I just noticed your smile, and it reminded me of when I was about your age, my first marriage,” the lady says, longing thickening her voice. “I was so in love with my Harold, I thought I was going to throw up, and shit my pants,”

“Oh, wow!” Y/N says, not really invested in the conversation, waiting for an opening to excuse herself.

“Young love is so beautiful, your cheeks get all flushed, your head gets woozy, and you feel drunk all day…” Y/N just nods, looking around, trying to diffuse the conversation. “But you have to be careful, sugar. These men are only here to flirt with you and break your heart! You listen to me!”

“I will! Thanks for the advice,” Y/N smiles awkwardly, and finally gets out of there. 

Love. What about love? That lady doesn’t know anything. I’m not in love. I’m just horny, not in love. I hope.

With the coins in the machine, she dials the known number. It only rings once before the familiar voice picks up.

“You’re never late, are you?” Magic jokes at the other end of the line. His husky voice, so luscious, sends butterflies down her stomach, making Y/N drop her guard, and laugh like a teenager in love. Shit.

“I try my best not to be,” Y/N replies, trying to keep the silly smile off her voice. No need to embarrass herself any further. 

“By the way, happy early birthday,” he wishes, his voice sincere.

“Oh my God, you remembered!” Was it three weeks ago that she had mentioned her birthday party? Probably. And he remembered.

“Of course! I need you to have a wild night this Saturday, and have a drink in my honor,”

“Absolutely,” she says, screaming on the inside. Shit, I’m really in love with him.

“So, how was your day today?”

“Mostly boring. The only thing that kept me perky was the thought that I would talk to you today.”

“Oh, really? That’s flattering,” Magic says, and she fantasizes that he also has a silly smile on his face. “So we’re feeling soft today,”

“Yeah, we haven’t talked in a while.”

“Seven days to be exact,”

“Yeah…” Stop acting like he’s your boyfriend. He isn’t. Stop the fantasies! Get your shit together. “So, how was your week?”

“Fine, mostly boring work hours,” he chuckles.

“I hope you’re not saying this to the other girls. That’s not a nice way to encourage your paying clients,” Y/N scolds.

“Would you forgive me if I confessed that I thought about you this whole week?”

“I don’t think so. I’m sure you say this to every other client,”

“That’s not true. You’re the only one I read poems to,” Magic says, trying to cheer her up. He can tell she’s not well. Her voice is not as chipper as it usually is. He hears her sigh on the other end of the line. “Is there something on your mind? Talk to me,”

“I don’t know, I’m just feeling loopy today, that’s all.”

“And you don’t feel like doing anything today?”

“Actually, I think that’s kind of the opposite,” she chuckles, “Distract me, please,”

“I thought about you while taking a shower today,” Magic confesses. 

“You did not!” she whispers, excited.

“I did, too!” he chuckles, “I was washing my hair, imagining if you’d like the scent of my shampoo. I was soaping my body, wishing those were your hands instead of mine.”

“Oh, God,”

“I would’ve kissed your hands before guiding them down my chest, down my abs,”

“Shut up,” she whines in a whisper, but that only entices Magic to continue.

“You would’ve reached me, and I would be ready for your hands. I would be at your mercy. There would be no commands from me, my body would be yours,” Yoongi closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm himself, he’s feeling his pants getting tighter. Never with a client Yoongi wanted to cross this boundary and touch himself. At least not without being requested to.

He desperately wanted to moan her name, and touch himself, and touch her. But that would be inappropriate. So he places his free hand on his neck, firmly. This hand would not move without Y/N asking him to. But his imagination was still running wild, and there was nothing more he wanted to do than say those words to her.

“Mmhm,” Y/N prompted, her voice a little husky, sounding like she has a moaning trouble of her own.

“I would moan your name over and over. The only name I’d known in the world. Your delicate hands, so fierce for me, would make me cum, probably on your belly. But no worries. I would bite your jawline, go down your neck, licked your beautiful breasts, cleaned my cum with my tongue, before diving into that pretty pussy with my lips,”

“God damn it, you’re going to make me cum in public,”

“I would get on my knees, place your thigh on my shoulder. I would kiss your core, already wet for me. I would get hard again, just because you taste so good. Your hand would grip my hair, and you would moan for me to never stop. Not in a million years I would do that. I would circle the tip of my tongue on your clit, and too soon you would cum all over my chin,”

“I love you, Magic” she whispers. Softly, tenderly. Pink roses, chocolate, and wine. And the world stops.

His eyes, closed for the past minute, shot wide open. Her breath spikes and his heartbeat is going a million miles per hour. What? 

Yoongi doesn’t know how to respond. Did she really mean what she just said? He’s never been in this situation before. This job was always fun for both parties, but it always felt transactional. There was no emotion to be felt except pleasure and lust. 

That’s the thing with having mostly middle aged clients. They have always made it clear that they loved the way they felt when they talked to Magic, never did they love him. Why would they? They were aware of the fact that they didn’t know the 22-year-old on the other side of the phone. They knew the character that molds and fits to every sexual fantasy.

But to someone his age, that may be different. The potential for an emotional connection that he hadn’t anticipated. Maybe that’s better. To be seen. To have someone on the other end of the line that would like to know him. His thoughts were in disarray, but he liked the feeling of being seen.

“I have to go,” Y/N says, and before she can embarrass herself even more, she hangs up, tightening her jacket and walking the other way as fast as she can.

For the past two days, Y/N used her distraction skills to her advantage. All assignments done, took all the extra credit she could take. The neighbor’s kids were happy and tired from playing. She earned extra tips from being such a good waitress, and a compliment from her boss for the good work she was putting in. 

Her room was clean beyond recognition, her vinyls in the correct sleeves, her cassettes organized in alphabetical order. Bright and early Saturday morning, after a celebratory breakfast with her parents, she cleaned the entire house.

“Why are you in such a hurry these days?” her mother asks, catching her at the bathroom door, before Y/N decides to clean something else that was already clean. “It’s your birthday, put your feet up for a minute.”

“Thank you, momma, but I want to keep busy, turn a new page.”

“Why are you turning a new leaf? You’re only 21,”

“I don’t know,” she shrugs “It just feels like a good time,”

Y/N manages to dodge her mother’s questions for the rest of the morning, locking herself in her room and beginning to color code her small closet.

She was not to think of the stupid mistake she made on Wednesday. The first time she said that to a human being that wasn’t part of her family. Granted she did say ‘I love you’ to her Prince poster, but it’s not like Prince could say it back to her. 

She didn’t call Prince and give him the opportunity to say ‘I love you’ back. And when he didn’t say it back, she wasn’t heartbroken. Prince was a poster, not a human being with a phone number. The old lady was right. Men do only exist to break your heart.

The tears started to slowly drip down her cheeks. She made such a fool of herself. Falling in love with a man she never met. A man that had nothing to say, that only opened his mouth when he was offering his services.

“Heeey,” Y/N heard the door open, as Sophie entered her room “are you ready to get drunk?” Sophie whispered, closing the door behind her.

Y/N nods, looking at her boring outfit in the mirror once again. Blue jeans, white t-shirt, blue denim jacket, and white shoes. “I don’t look like a 21 year-old.”

“Don’t worry, your driver’s license will say that for you,” Sophie says. “Now, time to spice up this outfit, because you’re not leaving the house looking like this.”

A good 30 minutes later, Y/N was leaving with a whole new look. Blue jeans, black turtleneck, with black boots and lots of necklaces and bracelets. Sophie swapped their jackets, giving her black leather and taking the denim. Good thing it fit nicely with her ruffle skirt.

“Much better,” Sophie says, twirling Y/N around to look at her entire outfit. “Let’s go, Lane and Mary are meeting us there.”

Paradise Garage. The dream birthday party spot of every person in the Tri State Area. The club was full, and the crowd cheered and sang along to Donna Summer. Y/N wasn’t really in the mood to dance and be joyful. But it was her birthday, and her friends spent an amazing amount of effort to put them on the list. So the birthday drinks start coming, the DJ plays her favorite disco songs, and before she knows it, Love to Love You Baby feels like a karaoke song. 

The night goes on and on, and Y/N wants to soak up all of the energy she can. She wants to enjoy her birthday party with her best friends, and she’ll get her money’s worth tonight. 

“I think you need to drink some more water before we leave,” Lane says, watching her shy friend dance clumsily. It’s almost three in the morning, and the party is starting to die down.

“Don’t worry, I’m not that drunk anymore,” Y/N says, but her friends drag her across the floor anyway, sitting her on a bar stool.

“We’re going to the bathroom, do you want to go?” Mary asks, and when Y/N shakes her head, she turns to the bartender. “She’ll have water. Can you make sure she doesn't wander off? We’ll be back in just a second.”

Y/N barely pays attention to what’s happening around her, she’s enjoying herself playing with her bracelets. A bottle of water is placed in front of her, along with some peanuts. She looked up, and she knew that even drunk, she would never forget the face of this beautiful man in front of her.  

“You should eat something, too,” he says, pointing at the peanuts. “Soak up the alcohol. That’s booze 101 for you,” he winks and Y/N giggles, but stops herself shortly after.

“I can’t giggle with you…” she manages to say, but her sentence drags at the end.

“And why’s that?” the bartender asks, amused.

“Because men only flirt to break your heart,” she explains, shoving peanuts in her mouth. “And you would only flirt with me because you like tips.”

“Oh, wow, who broke your heart, baby?” the man starts to clean up the mess in his counter, Y/N’s mess while she eats.

“My boyfriend, but he’s not really my boyfriend,” she tries to explain, “I don’t really know him, I only talk to him.”

“Communication is good to every relationship,”

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t know. I only talk to him on the phone to have sex. Yeah, you heard me right,” she starts to rant, already munching on her second batch of peanuts. “I call this guy, to have sex. Through the phone, I mean. His name is Magic. And you want to know what else? I told him I loved him, like the stupid idiot that I am. And now I don’t know if I can call him again. He thinks I’m a weirdo.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t,”

“Yeah, whatever,” she scoffs, but she starts to think as the alcohol starts to wear off. “Do you think I should call him?” she asks the bartender, laying her arm on the counter and her head at the top.

“I think you should,” the bartender answers, “at the very least to break up with him, if you decide you don’t want to call him anymore,”

“What if I sound like an idiot? Can I blame you?” she asks and he laughs.

“Yes, you can come back here and kick my ass.”

Wednesday. April 24th, 1985. 3 PM. The date and hour she decided to get her heart broken again.

With the coins in the machine, she dials the known number. It only rings once before the familiar voice picks up.

“Hey,” Magic answers, his voice softer than she’d imagined it would sound like today. He didn’t even sound like he was expecting anyone else. 

“Hi,” she manages to say. But she doesn’t say anything else. She doesn’t know how to proceed from here.

“When I told you I wanted you to have a drink in my honor, I didn’t imagine I was going to be the one to mix it.”

“What?”

“By the way, that leather jacket looks great on you.”

“Excuse me, what?” she asks again. Is her mind playing tricks with her? Did she actually wake up this morning, or is she having the weirdest dream? The butterflies flew wild inside her body. It was like springtime was being born inside of her.

“I don’t think you’re a weirdo. I don’t think you sound like an idiot either. I want to get to know you. But if you’re feeling silly and want to blame your bartender, I know where he lives,” he chuckles, and she joins. Stupid happy tears flowing down her face.

“I want to get to know you, too,”

“Good. My name is Yoongi,” he prompts, and her smile gets wider.

“Hi, Yoongi. My name is Y/N.”

[sad-chaos-goblin]

@ineffabildaddy and @celestialcrowley both tagged me in this long bio thingy (thank u!!! 💚), it's taken me a while to get round to it but here's some stuff about me:

Real name: Elyan

Nickname & nickname origins: Some people call me Ely but mostly everyone uses my full name.

Ao3: sad_chaos_goblin Haven't actually published anything (yet) but I might start soon ^^

Social media: i mostly use ig but it's a personal private acc

state country: Spain. I'm half English on my mum's side but I've never actually lived in the UK. I was born in Málaga, lived in Dublin for a bit and now I live in Barcelona.

pets: none right now, although I call my work bestie my Tamagotchi and she says she's my pet human, I keep snacks in my drawer cos she gets hungry often <3 Back when I was a kid we had a belgian shepherd and later on a samoyed, both the sweetest things ever. I miss them, dogs should live as long as humans :(

hobbies: reading (mostly I'm into fantasy and good omens fanfics right now but it changes every now and then), lyrical dance, aerial silks, pole dance and recently I'm getting into writing (inspired by GO)

Personality: I'm an extroverted introvert, I love spending time with people I like and I love getting to know new people I vibe with, but I need a lot of alone time, my social battery is limited and social interaction can feel very draining if I don't get alone time to recharge. I can be quite socially awkward and shy if I don't know people too well but once I'm comfortable around someone I get very giggly and silly. I'm an INFJ according to a test thingy someone sent me to fill in.

Favourite holiday: Hallowe'en. Big spooky fan, me. Mostly because it means autumn has arrived, it's my favourite season. Also love costume parties and roasted chestnuts (in the Catalunya region of Spain, where I live, it's tradition to have roasted chestnuts on the 31st).

Favourite food: hmm hard to choose. (Vegan) lasagna, mushroom risotto, curries, avocado toast, regular toast with margarine or olive oil, bread in general, i love bread!

Favourite dessert: lotus cheesecake or fudgy chocolate cake (vegan versions).

Favourite colour: I'm not really sure I have a specific favourite colour but I generally prefer cool colours over warm ones.

Favourite quote/s: "To live is the rarest thing in the world; most people exist, that is all" - Oscar Wilde, "Time is the school in which we learn, time is the fire in which we burn" - Delmore Schwartz, "To the world" - Good Omens

Favourite book/s: too hard to pick all-time faves so here are a few favourite recent reads - Six of Crows/Crooken Kingdom, 1Q84, Babel, Good Omens (currently reading)

Favourite tv shows: Good Omens (obvi), Brooklyn99, The Office, the Haunting of Bly Manor, From

Favourite films: Jurassic Park (the original one), Black Swan, Little Women, I'm kind of blanking here can't think of any others

Favourite characters: Crowley & Aziraphale, Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker, Jesper Fahey, Nina Zenik, Wylan VanEck, Matthias Helvar, Jo March, Tori from Heartstopper & Solitaire, Jake Peralta, Holden Caulfield

Favourite actors: currently quite obsessed with Michael Sheen and David Tennant, I wonder why

Favourite song/s: ooh this is a hard one. Off the top of my head right now:

-My immortal - Evanescence

-Under Pressure - Queen

-Who wants to live forever - Queen

-Lovely - Billie Eilish

-Smoke Signals - Phoebe Bridgers

-Famous Blue Raincoat - Leonard Cohen

-Take me somewhere nice - Mogwai

-Massa Tard - Blaumut

-With me - Sum41

-Perra - Rigoberta Bandini

-Run - Snow Patrol

-Cardigan - Taylor Swift

I'm gonna stop myself here cos I could just keep adding songs and this would get wayyy too long

Favourite music genre/s: Whatever vibes with my state of mind in the moment.

Favourite podcast/s: Don't really listen to podcasts cos I have rubbish attention span and if I play one while I'm out walking around I am practically guaranteed to get distracted by my own thoughts and stop paying attention and suddenly realise I haven't processed a single word in the last half hour

Have you ever met a celebrity: I've decided locally famous drag queens count as celebrities so yes, i have met a few and they were all super friendly! ^^

Do you collect anything: I've moved a lot since I left home so I've tended to be quite practical about not accumulating things. Books would be the exception I guess, I love buying physical copies.

Do you have any idols: in Neil Gaiman we trust

Is there a real life friend you can be completely yourself with: I am terrible at being vulnerable and expressing my feelings face to face but i do have a couple of people very willing to be a safe space whenever i do manage to share

Where would you live to travel to: New Zealand, Tromsø (Norway), West Coast Canada

Random fact about yourself: I get carsick very easily.

If you made it all the way down here, thanks for reading all my gibberish!! <3

I think many people i would tag have already been tagged elsewhere so I'll leave it at that but everybody feel free to join in!

[no-face-no-shame]

"His face had an expression of calm, as though almost glad the end had come"

I've just finished watching the Netflix adaptation of "All Quiet on the Western Front" and I have some thoughts. The first one being - I haven't seen such marvelous screen adaptation in a while, despite the changes introduced to the plot. So if you're any interested in what I have to say, let me elaborate.

I'm a big fan of anti-war literature, though "fan" might be a bit of a strange way of phrasing it. But I've read enough of the "genre classics" to have some general knowledge of how those stories are usually developed (might be just me being Easter European. Specifically Polish. We know something about wars.) And AQotWF is one of my favourites, alongside "Catch 22" and "King Rat." Throughout the whole movie I was in awe of how well it translates the atmosphere of the book. How well it establishes the characters, especially Kat (I'll talk about the characters later.) You immediately submerge into their world, you feel for them and you're anxious whenever they go into battle. My big problem with modern movies is how they just don't let you connect with the characters by rushing the plot. Here it's not a thing. AQotWF says exactly what it wants and how it wants.

The visuals are spectacular. I took some screenshots I'm planning on redrawing due to how beautifully filmed this movie is. And, finally, it's not too dark!! You can see what's happening even in scenes located in bunkers or taking place at night! I freaking missed that so much. The same goes for sound - you understand what the characters say (my knowledge of German is VERY limited, still I often didn't need the subtitles because the dialogues were recorded clearly.) The lighting does miracles, it perfectly supports the mood. The usage of colour is great. I'm a big fan of close-up shots (details can add so much) and I love how this movie delivers the best of it, with focusing on the faces and especially eyes.

The music deserves its own paragraph. Scarce, used only when needed, but what an effect it gives... Again, one of the best soundtracks I've heard in a while. There wasn't a single scene where I thought to myself "can y'all cut the damn music", which happens to me more often than I wish it did. Especially the main theme uses a lot of sounds that remind of metal, of shots and explosions, perfectly matching what you see. And the music in the very last scene is just beautiful and gentle. I heard something similar in my head while finishing the book. Peace and relief.

Costumes? So damn good. Finally a movie where the costumes are well-made, with precision and care. Another reason why it's so easy to immediately get into the presented world - you just believe it's real due to what you see. Hairstyles, clothes, make-up. Everything is very realistic.

The same goes for the special effects, both in terms of explosions/shots and the corpses. The scene with tanks and flamethrowers was a shocking experience even to me, someone used to war movies, due to how real it seemed. The tanks emerge from the mist like animals, some kind of monsters. Mind you, WW1 was the first time tanks were used and they weren't as common as in WW2. The absolute hysteria of the soldiers is so real because they indeed had no idea what to do while facing a tank. The sets are very detailed, the bleak views of the battlefield and faded, winter forests are again a visual masterpiece.

Now the changes. To me the most questionable change done was Kat's death. I prefer the book version - it was more moving. On the other hand, the nonsense of his death in the movie creates his own quality. He survived a war waged by adult men just to be killed by a boy over a few eggs. Eggs that for both sides might mean either survival or death of starvation. It wasn't the stupid generals, bullets and tanks that were his end - the poor farmer boy who knew his family will starve was. Still, I'd prefer to see the book version of events. While reading I was touched by Paul's desperation and dedication to saving his friend, and by Kat who wasn't able to tell Paul that he's been hit in the head, meaning that the wound was fatal. Paul's endeavour in carrying Kat across the battlefield, at some point already a dead body, was a great summary of how during war your effort might mean nothing just because you happen to be unlucky. If it was about skill, Kat would survive. From all of them, Kat should. But he was unlucky that one damn time. When the war was basically over, he lost his own.

Another difference was the fate of Tjaden. In the book, it was Kemmerich who was shot in the leg and died because of an amputation. Here, we have Tjaden who got shot, though he doesn't let the wound kill him - he commits suicide using a fork. A pretty brutal scene I was kind of expecting at the very secnd I saw the way he looked at the fork in his hand. Interesting take on human desperation - he didn't want to live as a disabled person as it would make it impossible for him to work as a policeman (his biggest dream.) This change is quite alright with me. I know it was probably done to not introduce more characters (Kemmerich), though I'd like to see the motive of the boots being taken by Müller and then given to Paul when Müller died as well. The conflict between not wanting your friend to die and such a down-to-earth matter like wanting better boots, in the end turning out to be meaningless, is an important thing to include. Still, the change wasn't that significant and it certainly wasn't a negative one.

And then Paul's death. I really appreciate the fact that the main character of the story dies because that was the only way for his story to end. And he dies at the very end of the war, as if because he had nothing else to do. He wasn't able to return to his old life. There was nothing left of it - at that point his mother was probably already dead due to her illness and he couldn't just go back to his town and live like nothing happened. Especially surrounded by people like his father, who didn't understand the changes done to him by the war. Paul's friends were dead. He'd be able to live with that, even though there was no one left of his class. Who would he study with? But Kat was gone too and that was too much. Paul gladly accepts his death because he's died already a long time ago, during the first time on battlefield. What was left after that was a moving body that didn't have much in common with the joyful student who'd once inhabited it.

The gesture of climbing up the stairs of the bunker, into the light of the day, is a beautiful visual metaphor. We walks around the trenches and in the background we see soldiers of both sides just sitting or gathering their dead. A second ago they were killing each other. But now it's 11 o'clock. Now it's peace. And the young boy, so similar to Paul from the beginning of the movie, takes his scarf, a scarf that has once belonged to someone else, someone who had died way earlier and who was known by Paul, not by the boy. The object is carried on even though the memory died. One of my favourite things added to the movie.

To sum things up - spectacular movie. Very worth watching, even if you're not into this genre. And if you haven't read the book, do yourself a favour and read it. It's not very long and I believe it's one of the stories you just should know.

If you read all of that, here is some warm soup -> 🥘🍲 and some bread to go with it -> 🍞

[tscollected]

Keep Dreaming

**Disclaimer** I'm not a credible source for musical history, genres (which I could care less about since I feel they're limiting), and instruments (although I love a good sax solo). This blog is purely for my entertainment, and I doubt many people will find this. I have so much to say about music but little to no outlet. I figured I'd use this blog as an extended form of expression and appreciation for music. Kill me if I end up sounding pretentious.

Vienna was the first song I resonated with as a kid. It was one of my favorite songs in sixth grade when I thought everything in my life was ready to change once I left elementary school (dramatic). I used to listen to Vienna and picture myself leaving home and going to college out of state. Like a bittersweet moment. I never ended up leaving the state, but Vienna still urges me to start the next chapter of my life with new people, different cultures, and fresh scenery. I have a restless spirit, so it's also a call to slow down and stop trying to fast-forward my journey. As a kid, I felt I could never keep up with my mind. What does one do when there are all these ideas and goals but no courage to start? I see everyone achieving things at a young age, and it only makes me feel like I'm not moving fast enough. I never want my time wasted or for my time to be too late, which is also why Vienna talks to me.

Besides that, the rest of the album is full of classics. Especially the final track, Everybody Has a Dream (which is the perfect way to end this post):

"So let me lie and let me go on sleeping

And I will lose myself in palaces of sand

And all the fantasies that I have been keeping

Will make the empty hours easier to stand

I know that everybody has a dream"

**PS My interpretation of songs/albums can often differ from what others say or what a song is truly about. Half the time I could be high. The other half, I remain in my world. However, the point of music is to enjoy it. Being able to perceive music in different ways makes the listening experience all the more fun. Music is a reflection of ourselves, and we (including myself) often get too caught up in the stories of others.

[timearremer]

One of my latest gaming projects is rolling through the Final Fantasy series.

It's cool! Having played 1 and 6 a few years ago, over the last half-year I've been working my way through the first seven games in the series (and a chunk of 14, the current MMO entry). Eventually I do want to play all of the mainline entries, so that puts this somewhere around the halfway mark. Going game-by-game, seeing how the mechanics and iconography of the series evolve and are reinterpreted over time is really compelling.

But 1 is maybe my favorite entry so far. (Though 5 might be better. Tough to say.) It's an NES RPG, so you've got to set expectations accordingly - the interface is awkward, as is often the case with non-action games on NES, and the game is more focused on providing a classic dungeon crawling experience than it is a dramatic storyline.

It rules, though. (Focus on the cool mind flayers in the above image instead of the character names I removed because I named the party after some friends and myself for a stream I was doing.)

FF1 is a game filled with consequential decisions. At the start you decide the makeup of your party, which drastically affects your approach to everything, and from early on you're deciding which party members and which gear to invest in, how to save resources for long treks (which leads to some difficult choices early on - especially when taking on the iconically dangerous marsh cave, the game's first dungeon), how to handle long-term character builds for your party's mages, who can only equip a limited number of spells. (Though it must be said that mages are a little too weak in this game; one of its more unfortunate balance issues.)

The big strength of the game is that it stays consistently interesting. A lot of games in this genre - even some of the stronger ones, which is why I'm generally more of a fan of action games - sometimes have a few too many filler fights that basically just feel like padding. FF1 strikes an excellent balance where your limited resources and the high level of danger of some enemy types - usually each dungeon has a few "red alert" enemies you've got to watch for - keep you continually engaged, with every fight being important, but without the game's difficulty level being overbearing. Furthermore, despite the general perception of RPGs, especially old ones, being grindy, slow-paced games, this game moves at a good clip, never slowing down and at no point ever requiring the player to stop forward progress in order to grind.

It's great as an adventure game, too. The world is fun to explore, and it's satisfying to figure out each point of progress, with just enough nonlinearity to give you choice on which objective to tackle next and to make the process of figuring out how to solve each town's problems fun.

The story is simplistic, but the worldbuilding is pretty strong, handled with a light and deft touch that makes coming to realizations about the game's setting fun - look above to see the "floating castle" you explore near the finale. But the game is more about the narrative that forms in your head over the course of your dungeon crawling adventures than it is about an overt storyline, as later games in the series move towards. (I've liked all of the first seven Final Fantasy games but I do think the series loses something as you go further down the line and get further away from the tense dungeon-crawling fundamentals.)

I'd be remiss to post about Final Fantasy and not mention the music (which, from the games I've played, seems to get better and better as the series' famous former lead composer Nobuo Uematsu develops his skill over time). Matoya's Cave is of course a classic, and the version used in the later pixel remaster release is excellent too.) Other highlights include Town, the first of the series' heart-tugging town themes, and the mysterious, winding Mt. Gulg.

It is worth saying that the later releases of the game aren't as good as the original. The strength of the original is its tautness and, despite some oversights, the deliberate nature of its design, making resource management and decision-making important - but later versions of the game, such as the GBA or pixel remaster versions, defang the difficulty so severely that they become a little too automatic. Since the game doesn't have much in the way of an overt narrative, you aren't left with much if you take out the excitement of taking on dungeons, which is what makes your planning and character-building meaningful, on top of later releases adding endlessly refillable magic and removing the original version's strict inventory limits. Consider those releases like "digest" versions, and, if you find yourself interested in the game, look to the original NES version.

FF1 is one of the cooler RPGs I've played, and it has a particular appeal that even its immediate sequels on NES don't recapture - though they, and the SNES and PS1 entries, have their own unique values that I may have to post about as well. It has a different approach compared to what later RPGs go for, but I think its focus on making a genuine story of struggle and adventure in the player's heart makes for a longer-lasting impression, and it has to be said that the game is more easily accessible than you might expect for an old genre entry - so I'd recommend it to any open-minded RPG fan.

Anyway, here's Badman.

[samueljkim]

Kindness

Artwork by Perry Jue.

Why did you call it “Kindness”?

The album was originally a three song EP that I released at the height of the pandemic. Everything all around the world and in my life was so heavy and languishing so I wanted to create a sonic reminder that we're going to have to be kind to get through this. A couple of years later, we've moved from a pandemic to an endemic of sorts but we're still dealing with the fallout and the things that were kicked up during that crisis. As I thought about my own ongoing struggles and the struggles I see all around me I think there's a pressure to be, "I'm fine now. Let's all act like everything is ok!" but it's not true. We can go to unhealthy extremes of trying to prove we're moving on when we still need time to process, mourn, and be confused. That journey requires a kind patience with ourself and the world around us. In the past year, I've been randomly releasing singles with no particular direction but as I put them together in a personal playlist, it began to feel like it was telling me something. I thought of the earlier Kindness EP and the newer songs I was working on and it felt like that together the songs gave a more full picture of what I wanted that original "Kindness" EP to be about.

Sounds a bit pop?

Yes, I grew up in a place where everyone listened to rock and I just latched on to synth pop. I loved it so much and I was ridiculed for it at times because I was so unlike the people around me. I felt awkward and embarrassed. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to feel that way. I catch myself at times wanting to prove I'm a "true artist" by listening to experimental and "challenging" music. I actually sincerely love that as well, but I love sound and music so much I try not to limit my explorations to any genre barriers. I don't have to fit in to any particular box. In this new world of unlimited streaming we have so much access to so many different worlds of sound and I think artists should lean in to that. An older generation perspective of artistic vision pressures you to "Choose your one voice! Choose your one sound!" While it could make sense for some marketing purposes it really stunts our development as creatives. One wise person I met many years ago said, "You have to be suspicious of anyone who has no 'cheese' in their life." Indeed. Let’s stop wasting our time by limiting ourselves to arbitrary genres of taste.

Let's be awkward! Let's be free! Let's do what we want! Don’t honor the tastemakers because they don’t honor us!

The next couple of projects are probably going to be much darker and bringing the experimental guitar work back.

Or maybe I won’t!

Maybe I’ll go deeper into the synths and the sound generators.

Probably some form of both. Let’s just see where it goes.

I don’t want to sit still while I can still run.

But who are you really?

I don't think you were listening.

What inspired you in making these songs?

Well, it's funny. When I was young, jazz music really captured my imagination but also interestingly... electronic dance music. It was something about the sounds, the rhythms, the repetitions that felt just as meaningful and engaging as the intricacies of jazz. I love music that is surprising and challenging but I also love the discipline and craft of a good pop song. Some may look down on its supposed banality, but you try it: not so easy. I remember growing up and listening to the Pet Shop Boys and New Order and being so impressed with how they crafted their songs. The synth pop of the 80s was so flamboyant and unrestrained. I would get annoyed by its naiveté at times, but I appreciate its desire to not over think things and just be free. I think that's very compelling. Also, I loved the melodic and playful sensibility of the electronic Indie pop songs of The Notwist and artists from Morr Records in the early 2000s like Lali Puna, Styrofoam, Ms. John Soda, etc. Their blending of guitars and electronics is something I try to emulate to this day.

What are you trying to say in this album?

I wanted people to think about being bravely kind. As a jaded Gen X, I can get skeptical and harsh towards the world and myself. I get trapped in circles believing that the darkness is so present and we are so steeped in our selfishness. We have a lot of evidence for this negativity, but we also need those moments to pause and remember we're all on a long journey of learning. Sometimes I learn fast and sometimes I learn slow. Often, I need multiple lessons to change and I can't change exactly how I'd like. I would like to be good in every way but realistically I’m falling short of standards everywhere. All of that is true for others too. I don't want to say that accountability is not required because you need that to change and transform, but that process is hard, painful and sometimes lonely. It doesn't help to condemn yourself when you're already trying so hard to figure things out and be better.

Allow yourself to graciously heed the simple aphorisms:

Be kind.

Forgive yourself.

Stop hating yourself.

Be awkward. It's ok.

Believe in hope.

Find a moment to dance even when it is awful.

Trust something beautiful could happen in all of the messiness.

Just try something.

Get up.

Let yourself get better.

You don't have to stay hurt.

Believe that the light can come in.

Sometimes just waiting is ok. Don't hate yourself for not having the strength to do more than that.

Get some rest.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[kali-writes-meta]

Anime Reviews

I have a backlog of anime that I haven't reviewed, so here's a quick rundown.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Complete

Mushi-shi, Gonkutsuou, and Violet Evergarden -- The gold standards. Great stories, wonderful characters, excellent music and amazing art. Up there with Back's The Man Who Planted Trees as some of the most beautiful examples of animation ever made. On my short list of things I rewatch to cheer myself up. Now, when is Mushi-shi Season 2 getting put on disc?

Fruits Basket - I find myself nicknaming anime based on Golden Age movies. This is "Pollyanna Meets the Magnificent Ambersons". An exemplary portrayal of mental health problems and dysfunctional families.

The Wind Rises - both a beautiful bio-pic and a meditation on the intersections of art, war, and commerce.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Ongoing

Ascendance of a Bookworm - engaging characters in an engrossing story whose complexities unfold in a natural progression. Started a little slow, but rewards patience.

⭐⭐⭐⭐ Complete

Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood - This story really got off on the wrong foot in terms of bad story decisions and poor art. Eventually develops into the compelling story it should have been from the start, but the first few episodes are inexcusable.

Stein's Gate - another one that starts slow but rewards patience.

Death Note - This show has an intricate, compelling, almost constantly surprising plot -- and that's all. In order to enhance the shine of the plot, the characters are either repellent or boring, while the art and music are deliberately dull -- which works in context but limits the rewatchability. It's worth seeing once for the plot, twice for the details you missed the first time around, but no more than that. I can't help contrasting it with Gonkutsuou, which managed to combine an intricate and compelling plot with engaging characters and stellar art and music. Unlike Gonkutsuou, the universal feeling of my family at the end of Death Note was relief that it was finally finished.

Cowboy Bebop - an experimental show that needed to be made to improve the field, but uneven in quality except for the outstanding music.

My Roommate is a Cat - nice plot and characters, clever conceit with the joint POV, my terrier loved the plastic bottle trick, but the whole thing comes off as a bit too neoliberal. The main character's decision to become a hermit is treated solely as a bizarre and negative personal decision that hurts his family. Excuse me, but doesn't that phenomenon have roots in wide-spread social conditions? Some problems really do extend beyond someone's head.

Mirai - imaginative family study.

⭐⭐⭐⭐ Ongoing

Dr. Stone - Great first season, lackluster second season.

My Next Life as a Villainess - also had a great first season and a lackluster second season. Thrilled as I am to see a good screwball comedy I came away with the impression that maybe the audience didn't understand the genre.

⭐⭐⭐

Sweetness and Lightning - lovely slice of life that's a bit lacking in character development.

Somali and the Forest Spirit - a beautifully decorated cake only three-quarter baked. Why couldn't the story have been as good as the art?

Orange - I admire the writer's commitment to making a story where all the characters were bland. I admire my commitment to finishing it.

Mary and the Witch's Flower -- Nice but dated children's fantasy. Did we really need a revival of the "put everything back where you found it" genre? I don't think so.

👎Dropped After Four Episodes

Re:Zero Starting Over in Another World - Subaru is just way too annoying and immature. Yes, "jerk learns lesson" is one of the oldest tropes around, but not this jerk, not this time.

The Promised Neverland - Beautiful art, compelling plot, likeable characters, but as high as the bar is set, this story is either going to engage in some serious hand-waving or get very bloody. I don't see how they can thread this needle. And then there's the racism, serving as the icing this cake doesn't need.

🚫 Dropped After One Episode

Kagome Love is War - "Oh yeah, I remember people like this from high school, the ones smart enough to be the kings and queens of the box, but not smart enough to think outside the box. They were an irritating nuisance. I suppose it would be fun to laugh at them." And so it was -- for about 15 minutes. Then they got too irritating.

The Flying Witch - it's lovely, but it's hard to believe that someone would be taught to wield such power but not be taught how to be more responsible.

One Punch Man - a show that needed to be made, that I am so glad was made, that hopefully will benefit the entire industry from it's biting takedown of overused tropes, but not a show I found enjoyable to watch.

[sharkselfies]

The Minds Behind The Terror Podcast Transcript - Episode 1

Since some folks requested it on Twitter, I’ve started transcribing The Minds Behind The Terror podcast episodes! Below the cut you’ll find episode 1, where showrunners Dave Kajganich and Soo Hugh talk to Dan Simmons, the author of the novel The Terror, about episodes 1-3 of the show. They discuss Simmons’s initial inspiration for writing the book, the decisions they made to adapt it into a television series, and the depictions of some of the characters such as the Tuunbaq, Hickey, and “Lady Silence.”

The Minds Behind The Terror Podcast - Episode 1 

[The Terror opening theme music plays]

Dave Kajganich: Hello! Welcome to Minds Behind The Terror podcast. I’m Dave Kajganich, I am a creator and one of the showrunners of the AMC show The Terror, and I’m here in the studio with executive producer and co-showrunner Soo Hugh.

Soo Hugh: Hello!

DK: And we welcome today the author of the sublime novel The Terror, on which our show is based, author Dan Simmons, calling in from Colorado. Welcome, Dan! Hi! 

Dan Simmons: Hi Dave, thank you. 

DK: So let’s start with the very beginning. This was a mystery from actual naval history that you decided to transform into a novel that was crossed with Gothic horror. Can you tell us a little bit about where you got the idea from this, how you went about preparing to write it, anything that can give us insight into how you blended all of these remarkable genres into this incredible book.

DS: I’ve known since I was a kid that I wanted to tell a story about either the North or South Pole. And the reason is in 1957, 58, when I was very young, actually I was just a fetus, they had the international geophysical year, and that really caught my imagination. Now the international geophysical year saw cooperation between American and Soviet scientists, it was the height of the Cold War, that’s the first time they submit(?) a permanent base at the South Pole, and I fell in love with Arctic stories. I had one book left on a book contract with a publisher I really liked, and we hadn’t decided what that book was, and I wanted to write a scary story about the Arctic, in this case the Northern Arctic, and that happened because I was doing a lot of research on Antarctica and just couldn’t figure out what the macabre, Gothic, scary part would be. I wanted to put it in, but I didn’t think they’d go for, you know, an eight foot tall vampire penguin. 

[laughter]

DK: You might be surprised! 

DS: There was a footnote on a book I was reading about the Franklin Expedition, which I had never heard of, and I decided that’s what I was gonna write about, and it had a tremendous amount of the unknown that I could fill in, that’s what novelists love. And so I told my editors excitedly that this was what I was gonna do, I would call it The Terror after the HMS Terror that went with the Erebus, got stuck in the ice, all the crew disappeared in history… And they said no. 

[laughter]

DS: ...it was the first time the publishers did that. I said, “Why not? I think it’s gonna be a pretty good novel.” And they said, “Look, nobody’s interested in a bunch of people that’ve been dead for 150 years.” 

SH: That sounds like some of our meetings.

[laughter]

DS: So I did what maybe you do, in such a meeting, I just thanked them, and I liked them all, and I had a good dinner(?) and I said goodbye, and bought back my last book on the contract and went out and wrote it on spec. 

SH: Well why don’t we take a step back, Dave, and why don’t you tell us about how you found Dan’s book and that experience?

DK: Sure! Dan, you might remember some of these steps from your side of it, which is that originally this was auctioned by Universal as a feature, and I sort of tried to get the rights and was a bit too late, and tracked them down to the producers at Universal who were running the project and got myself hired as the screenwriter for a feature adaptation. By the time I was ready to start actually committing an outline to the paper, Universal had let the rights go because there was a competing project. It was interesting to sort of rack up reasons why people wanted to make it but didn’t feel that they could pull the trigger, and we were so grateful when AMC finally called us back and said, “Look, we’ve figured out a model where we can do this as a limited series,” it really felt like ten episodes was a great length for this, because we could blend genres in a way that, you know, we could unpack sort of slowly, more slowly than a lot of shows would’ve done, and drive the plot as much as we could, like the novel, with character choices and decisions as opposed to just horror kind of entering the frame and taking over for one set piece after another. So it was a long journey, getting this to AMC, but at the end of the day I think we found the right home for it.

DS: I can no longer imagine a two hour version, feature film version of this story, and I can’t imagine a second season of this story, I think it was just right.

SH: It does feel like we did a ten hour cinematic novel. 

[audio from the show]

Crozier: Only four of us at this table are Arctic veterans. There’ll be no melodramas here--just live men, or dead men. 

SH: Dan, Dave and I talk about how addictive the research gets for this when you start going down the rabbit hole, how did you approach the research?

DS: I think most novelists run into that, but since I write a lot of quasi-historical novels, at least set in history, I get totally addicted to going down the rabbit hole. Readers say, “Well, Simmons’ book is too long, and the descriptions of things are too exhausting,” but I watch your characters go on deck and there are all the things and views and everything that I tried so hard to describe and then people tell me, y’know, “talky, verbose,” and in print I have to do it that way, but you just pan the camera a little bit. 

DK: You have words, we have images! For every thousand of yours, we get one!

DS: Yeah.

SH: But I remember this passage in your book where it talks about all the different ices, and you vest it with so much psychological import. We talk about that passage a lot in the writers room, it was one of our highlights, of this is how you do great descriptive writing.

DK: And you made so many parallels between things like the environments of the ships and characters, you built a kind of code book for the show without realizing you were doing it, which is making visual metaphors out of a lot of these things that would normally just be exposition or historical detail.

SH: Well especially between Crozier and the ship, I mean when you hear about Crozier’s relationship with Terror, and you have so many amazing passages about, you know, the groan of the ship and how it, y’know, and you cut to a scene with Crozier and how you feel that the bones of Crozier is embedded in the ship, and we really took a lot from that. 

DS: Well I noticed that on one of the episodes where Lord Franklin [sic] is trying to get back in touch with Crozier, you know, trying to be friends with him again, I think it’s a brilliant episode you guys wrote.

[show audio]

Franklin: You’ve succeeded in avoiding Erebus most of the winter.

Crozier: I’m a captain. I’m--I’m peevish off my own ship. I leave it and I hear disaster knocking at its door, before I’m ten steps away.

DS: And that was beautifully written, that. You got so much of Crozier right there.

DK: It was a pleasure to write these characters on the backs of your writing of these characters, because you really--I mean, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do, as you know, from having written, you know, a whole long string of historical books, is to make these people’s psychologies feel as modern as they must have felt in their day, while still being able to articulate some of the blind spots of being from the eras they were from. 

I’m curious from sort of a history nerd point of view, if people watch the series and like the series, and read the book and like the book, and want to know more about this expedition, what’s the first book about the Franklin Expedition you would point people to? What was most helpful or most interesting in your research? 

DS: I apologize, I can’t think of the name of it, but it’s a collection of stories about both the South and North Pole, and so it’s a short section on the Franklin Expedition, but it didn’t make mistakes, and most of the other books that I read, uh, keyed, and videos for that matter, like PBS did a story about the Franklin Expedition, but they keyed off a 1987 attempt by several doctors to figure out what happened to the crew, and they exhumed three crewmen’s bodies from the first island where they stayed the first winter, and those crewmen had only been on the ship a couple of months, but they decided because of a high lead content that the lead had poisoned them and then made them stupid, and made them paranoid and everything, but they didn’t compare that test of lead with any background people in London at the time, and later they did, so I didn’t believe the lead thing.

DK: Well that’s the fascinating thing about a mystery with this many parts and pieces, kind of in flux, is, you know, you can create all kinds of competing narratives about it, and what’s fascinating about writing a fictional version is you can’t have that kind of ambiguity, you have to make a decision. I think people will enjoy very much ways that the show and the book have a similar point of view, and also ways that they diverge in their points of view, because there are so many ways to tell this story--

SH: Well you know how much we invest responsibility in the audience as well, right?

DK: Sure.

SH: In terms of your book and our show as well, we’re not against interpretation, that there’s a responsibility on the audience’s part to put together--we’re not gonna hand feed them. There’ll be some people who put more of an onus on Franklin, and others who would say, “You know, if I was in that position, I probably would’ve made the same decision,” “Oh no, this definitely killed the men,” “No, this killed them!” and that dialogue is exciting, you know, when you read fans talk about your show and your books and really smart, insightful ways. 

[show audio]

Franklin: Would it help if I said that I made a mistake? 

Crozier: You misunderstand me, Sir John, I--I only meant to describe why I brood, not that I judge.

DS: I don’t worry about who or what my reading audience is. People ask me about that and I don’t imagine a certain reader. But I’ve always tried to write for somebody who’s more intelligent than I am. My perfect reader would be just smart as hell, speak eight languages, you know, have fantastic world experiences, and I want to write something that will please that person, and I think your show does the same thing.

DK: Well we were--that was our motto! We wanted to be sort of the dumbest members of our collaboration and there’s a sort of horrifying moment when you realize that’s come true. 

[laughter]

[show background music]

DK: Tell us a little bit about why you made the decisions to tell the story in the order you told it, and whether you sort of felt like there was anything from the way you had told it that we were--or a missed opportunity. We’d love to know sort of what your experience of that was. 

DS: I don’t think there were any missed opportunities in terms of not adapting my way of telling it, and I can’t remember all the reasons for why I broke it down that way, some of them were just very localized to, you know, when I was writing that particular bit. But I do know that it gains a lot by being told chronologically the way you’re doing it, so for me that seems now the logical way to tell it again.

DK: Have you ever read the novel in chronological order? When we hired writers for the writers room, we gave them a list of what the chapters were like in chronological order, and I think we asked half the room to read it in your order and half the room to read it in chronological order so we could have a discussion, a meaningful discussion about whether there were things about telling it without being in chronological order that we wanted to embrace or not. It was a fantastic experience and I wonder if you’ve ever read your chapters in chronological order? ‘Cause it’s also a fantastic book!

[laughter]

DS: I haven’t read it that way, they were that way in my mind before I started getting fancy and breaking them up and moving them around in time and space, but I would love to have seen that experiment.

DK: The reason we can get away with it in the show is because there is a loved book out there that people trust, and you know, it is a classic in this genre, so I mean this is a perfect example of, you know, the amount of gratitude we owe the book, because we got away with a lot of things that maybe we wouldn’t have been able to get away with because you came before us. 

SH: And speaking of those rabid fans, Dan, it’s been really interesting reading audience reactions to the show from people who’ve loved the books and who just naturally will compare the two, and we’ve been heartened by just how supportive our fans have become--are of the show. There is this controversy, some people like our choice to give Lady Silence a voice and some people feel it was sacrilege to your book, where do you fall on that? DS: At first I was surprised. In fact when you were hunting for an actress for Lady Silence and I read about that, it said somebody who’s fluent in this Inuit language and this Inuit language, and I said, “What the hell?”

[show audio]

[Silna speaking Inuktitut to her dying father] 

DS: Having seen her with the tongue and heard her, and knowing the different reason they call her Lady Silence, it all works for me and I was also surprised when Captain Crozier could speak fairly fluent, you know, dialect, ‘cause I had him just not understanding a thing.

[show audio]

[Crozier speaking Inuktitut to Silna in the same scene as above]

DS: I love it when readers get rabid about not changing something from a book, and I have to talk to them sometimes, not ‘cause I have a lot of things adapted, this is the first one, but I love movies. They say “Aren’t you worried it will hurt your book?” and first I explain Richard Comden(?)’s idea that you can’t hurt a book anyway, except by not reading it, I mean the books are fine, no matter how bad some adaptation becomes. Books abide, and so I wasn’t concerned. With the changes that I see, I get sorta tickled, whereas some readers get upset, and they just have that set. So I think that the vast majority of viewers haven’t--well, I know the vast majority haven’t read the book, haven’t heard of the book, probably, they’re gonna keep watching because of the depth of the characters, and that’s based on the first two episodes, and I agree with them completely.

[show audio]

[Silna speaking Inuktitut]

Crozier: She said that if we don’t leave now, we’re going to “huk-kah-hoi.”

Blanky: Disappear. 

SH: We get asked a lot of questions about the supernatural element of the show and the way a monster does or does not figure in the narrative, and seeing our episodes, did it feel surprising or did it feel faithful to the way you imagined it as well to your book? 

DS: It was surprising to me at how well it was done, because it’s hard, I know, to show restraint in a series like this, and certainly in a movie, but it’s hard to show restraint at showing and explaining the monster. 

[show audio]

[ominous music, Tuunbaq roaring, men screaming]

DS: The way you did it in the first few episodes to me were just lovely, just, you know, a hint of a glance at something and then you see the results of this creature, so that’s what I tried to do in the novel, one of the reasons I moved around through space and time, part of what I wanted to do was not cheapen the story and not cheapen the reality of these poor men dying by just throwing in a monster, and so I tried to do it in a way that would not disrespect the true tale, and I believe you’re doing it the same way I tried. 

DK: The way you incorporated the supernatural into the book, I mean, I was a fan of it when I first read it. It was jaw dropping the way that it fits so well on a level of plot, on a level of character, and on a level of theme. So when we got the green light to adapt it I was so confident that we were going to be able to do something with it that would be able to be nuanced because the bones of it are so organically terrific.

SH: It helped us know what we didn’t want to do. That formed so much of our conversation, of “this is what we do not want, this is what we do not want,” and slowly you whittled down to getting down to the essence of what this thing had to be.

[show audio]

[Tuunbaq growling]

DK: Another character from the book that really stands out for fans that they are wondering what in the world we’re doing with is Manson. [laughter] And I was curious what you made of the fact that he is pretty invisible in the first three episodes of the show, and that some of his plot beats have been given to a character called Gibson, who I don’t remember is--I don’t think he’s featured very much in the novel. And I wondered if that caught you off guard or if you sort of intuitively had a sense of what we were doing in making that change? 

DS: Any discussion of Manson to me leads to Hickey converting him to his future, his tribe, the tribe he wants to have, group of worshippers, that I think Hickey wants to have, but he does it by sex below decks. Hickey’s not gay at all, he’s a manipulator, to me, and he was manipulating Manson who was big and dumb, in my book, he’s manipulating him by this sexual encounter. But I was curious whether you were worried about showing that?

DK: Well, we weren’t worried about showing characters having same-sex affairs or relationships. We wanted to make room in Hickey’s character for actual affection, or if not affection then companionship, or some kind of connection.

[show audio]

Hickey: Lieutenant Irving! I was hoping we’d meet. 

Crewman: Mind the grease there, sir. 

Hickey: I wanted to... thank you… for your help. For your discretion, I mean. 

Irving: Call it anything but help, Mr. Hickey. Please. I exercised clemency for a man abused by a devious seducer.

DK: We wanted to make sure that Hickey had access to command in some way that a steward, an officer’s steward, would be able to provide him, that an able seaman wouldn’t be able to provide him, and that was really valuable to us in terms of charting out all of these character stories, was how does he know what he knows about how command is dissatisfied or where the fractures are if he can’t see them from where he’s sleeps in his cot in the forecastle. 

SH: I mean we know that there were relations between the same sex on ships, it just was part of this world. Not to belie that there was serious consequences for it, but you know, we have 129 characters, and we wanted them to feel fully fledged and rich, and, you know, passions do naturally develop and have no characters engaged in sexual relations would have felt just as odd and perhaps even more controversial, and when Irving discovers Gibson and Hickey, his shock is from such a subjective point of view of his moral center. It’s not the camera’s perspective, right? Our camera’s very neutral in that scene. It’s Irving, that character at that point in the show, that is infusing a sense of horror, that’s his horror moment.

DS: I’d like to add that it’s not the gay connection that would cause criticism, but I was flayed alive because the most openly quote “gay” unquote character, that is, Hickey, you know, maybe hunting for affection but definitely hunting for power, he’s the only one they said in reviews, and he’s a killer and a bad person, so I’m homophobic, but I was flayed alive for that. The word homophobic appeared in about 80 reviews. Nobody mentioned the purser, who uh--

DK: Right, Bridgens and Peglar.

DS: Yeah. I thought he was a fascinating character. I loved getting glimpses of him in the series because he’s super smart, he’s super wise, he’s probably wiser than any of the commanders, ahd he’s obviously in love with--who is it that he’s in love with in the show?

DK: Peglar. 

DS: Yes, that makes sense. And, uh, so Peglar says, you know, “Is this another Herodotus?” and, “No, I’m giving you Swift now,” he’s educating the man he cares for. 

[show audio]

Hickey: I understand you cleared up our “association” for Lieutenant Irving? Gibson: You spoke to him.

Hickey: Mhm.

Gibson: Directly?

(beat)

Christ, Cornelius, I’d reassured him.

Hickey: Cornelius Hickey is a “devious seducer.” That was your--that was your reassurance? You’ve got some face, you know that? 

DK: We wouldn’t have dramatized Hickey’s story if we weren’t also going to pull in Peglar and Bridgens’ story, because we knew that people, you know, are predisposed to sort of make that kind of quick assumption, and we just wanted to make sure that the show didn’t have that blind spot and reflected the book, which also doesn’t have that blind spot. 

SH: We had those same questions with Lady Silence, and I’m sure you did as well. When we meet her, she’s a frightened young woman who’s about to lose her father, and that’s a universal character moment that anyone can relate to, and the otherness is sort of--is secondary, but then once--in the end scene of 1.02, when she’s sitting there grieving her father and then you have that language barrier with everyone else, we worked with Nive on this because we wanted to make sure the language itself was as accurate as possible, so when you say disappear making sure that the disappear in our language means the same thing as disappear in her language. I think whenever you have characters that feel othered in most media and you’re bringing them into your show, Dave and I also just wanted to make sure we weren’t swaying on the pendulum on the other side and being almost too careful about touching them, and with Nive I think when you have an actor of that talent, she was strong, she was representing a voice that she felt very confident in, and that was very reassuring for us.

DS: And it works well, and when her father’s dying, she throws herself on his chest and says “I’m not ready, it’s too soon, I’m not ready,” and I love that in the show because if she’s gonna become a Shaman he’s dying you know it’s not reached that point of education yet where she feels secure and later on you know beyond what we’re discussing today she becomes to me in the show I see her as more and more majestic.

SH: I do love the word majestic ‘cause I think it describes pretty much all of our characters. I agree, I do think there is something very sublime about who they have become at the end because when you go through that much trials and tribulations, it’s this beautiful human spirit to endure. 

DS: I think that’s one of the central themes of the story that you’ve brought out so clearly. In most post-apocalypse, you know, terrible situation movies and shows, everybody turns nasty as hell, they start shooting each other, it’s just like WWIII when they should be helping each other survive, and I found even though there was controversy, even though there was opposition in this story, people opposing against each other, still that they rose to the occasion. And that is so rare I think in much media these days or even books where the characters are themselves and they do the best they can, and when things get bad they rise to the occasion.

DK: The first conversation you and I had about the book, you know, I was basically pitching you sort of what I thought thematically the book was about, and I talked a lot about, that in a disaster like this, a kind of moral emergency, that we would get a chance to unpack what is sort of best and worst in these characters’ souls.

DS: I confuse readers often when I was on book tour for this book, and it was a long time ago, I’ve written a few million words since then, but I confused people by saying that if you want a theme for the survival story of The Terror, it’s love. It’s love between the men. And just unstinting love. And this came out in a piece of dialogue, in the first two episodes.

[audio from the show]

Franklin: I’ll not have you speak of him uncharitably, James. He is my second. If something were to happen to me, you would be his second. You should cherish that man. 

Fitzjames: Sometimes I think you love your men more than even God loves them, Sir John. 

Franklin: For all your sakes, let’s hope you’re wrong. 

DS: That to me was right the theme I was working with, and with Crozier who shows it a different way, with Fitzjames who’s struggling to show leadership, and between the men despite their hierarchy and the British hierarchy, the rank and lieutenants and so forth, eventually they come down to loving the men they try to save. And I found that lovely. 

[The Terror opening theme music plays]

DK: Thank you so much for listening to The Minds Behind The Terror, join us in our next edition when we talk about episodes 4-6 with the additional guest Adam Nagaitis phoning in from London. We will see you soon!

[preview snippet from the next episode plays]

DS: I’ll confess something else to Adam, the first time I watched it, I thought your character was a good guy because he jumped down in that grave to put the lid back on.

[laughter]

[pndnj]

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend. 

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41-  1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something  I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t  no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec,  get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone  I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone,  it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor,  cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up,  a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't  the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all,  I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker,  i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun,  seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some,  get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice,  i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon,  this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles  in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another

[gogglor]

Cap-Ironman RecWeek: What-If Wednesday

Time for another installment of @cap-ironman rec week! Today’s theme: AU’s.

I know AU’s in different settings are half the reason most people read fanfics, but they’re not really my thing on the whole. AU’s where different choices are made, or different events transpire? Absolutely. Coffee shops? Not my cup of... you know.

So, here’s my AU recommendations for mostly “turn left” scenarios. This time with an under-the-cut break so I don’t take over everyone’s timelines (sorry about that last post). Also with some summaries truncated for length.

Alone Like This

Author: GotTheSilver

Word Count: 7,452

Summary: Steve, post waking up, runs away from SHIELD, and Tony's the one who tracks him down.

Why You Should Read It:

First off, GotTheSilver’s been consistently and regularly putting out solid Stony since 2012 and not only are they not stopping, they’re only getting better. This writer doesn’t get nearly the fanfare I’d expect in Stony circles for someone who puts out this much good stuff, and here’s hoping this post can be a part of changing that.

While I am always a sucker for enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, there’s something to be said for stories where Steve and Tony hit it off right away. And watching these two very different people look at each other and see the same sense of being lost, then finding each other again is... excuse me, there’s something in my eye, ignore me.

Second Chance Lives

Author: raeldaza

Word Count: 43,872

Summary: Tony's gonna die of palladium poisoning anyway, why not join a pointless expedition to recover Captain America’s body? And after, well, why not dedicate his last few months to making sure an American hero settles into his new life? What else is he going to do, get drunk at parties?

Why You Should Read It:

This writer doesn’t write a lot for the MCU but when they do, dang.

“Tony is the one helping Steve acclimate to the new century before Avengers 2012″ is a whole genre of Stony fanfics that scratch an itch I didn’t even know I had before I started reading fanfiction, and this is one of the best ones out there. It’s got it all - Steve poorly coping with his PTSD, Tony poorly coping with his immanent mortality, some breathtakingly poor communication between the two most emotionally stunted men in the MCU, and a cat named Roomba. What’s not to love?

Should You Choose to Accept It

Author: elwenyere (look, you’re gonna be seeing a lot of them this week, sorry-not-sorry)

Word Count: 27,106

Summary: After a terrorist attack and a field operation gone wrong, the Avengers realize that Nick Fury's secrets are just the start of a much bigger mystery. Steve and Tony try to keep some things from each other as well, but that can't possibly affect the mission — right? Mission Fic + Getting Together (or Mission: Getting Together) that mashes up elements from Iron Man 3, CA: Winter Soldier, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season one, and Mission Impossible 3.

Why You Should Read It:

You can see my post yesterday for singing El’s praises, but what I really liked about this fic was how how damn creative it is. The CAWS/IM3/AOS mashup is everything I wished the actual MCU gave us and more, with well-developed characters and an exciting story to put them in. And because it’s El, you know the banter’s gonna be on point, the way the characters care for each other is gonna be emotionally constipated but touching, and the pacing’s gonna be exciting enough to draw you in and keep you there. Also, this fic doesn’t have nearly enough kudos so please go read it and fix that or I’m gonna have to try to hack AO3 and that’ll just be embarrassing for all parties involved.

What Happens In Vegas

Author: sabremc

Word Count: 161,951

Summary: “What the hell, Tony?” Rhodey demanded brusquely.  Tony winced and drew the phone away from his ear.  “You’ve got cops and Feds all over the hotel.  I’m watching you perp walk out of the police station on repeat on CNN.  They’re saying you tried to bribe Stern?  Fox News has you selling weapons on the black market, and God that picture they’re using is the one from Bali in ’09.   You look like shit.  They wheeled Stern out and put him in an ambulance, by the way.  Got some paparazzi swearing you decked the guy.  Now they’ve got ‘copters following it like he’s OJ.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, Sourpatch, I’ve got it covered.   Uh, though, I should probably tell you that, purely in the interests of national security and the greater good, I kind of had to fake marry that stripper-gram  you sent.  Thanks for that, by the way,” Tony added quickly.

Why You Should Read It:

If you’re deep enough into Stony to see posts like this on Tumblr, you probably know sabre’s what we in the business call a “big name author.” They’re prolific, they’re popular, and most importantly, they write words good (technical term). Seriously, sabre just keeps cranking out high quality stuff over and over again, raising the bar for the rest of us like a jerk (not really. I’m not bitter they write stuff so good I wish I’d thought of it first. Not at all.)

I never read stripper!Steve or stripper!Tony as a rule, but this came so widely recommended that I broke that rule and boy am I glad that I did. This is also the only fic on this list that’s a true-AU, with Steve being a non-powered vet from Afghanistan who left his army career to help Bucky and is stripping in Vegas to raise money for a prosthetic arm. He’s booked to do a private show for Tony, shenanigans ensue, and now they’re fake-married. This fic’s got some top-of-the-line banter and character development, but I particularly love it for its rich setting. Sabre paints a Vegas not just with strip clubs and blackjack tables, but KISS-themed minigolf, romantic dinners on the Eiffel tower, gaudy hotel lobbies, and making out on giant ferris wheels. It’s such a richly developed playground for the characters to play on, and through it, Steve manages to find a life for himself he’d given up on, and Tony finds multiple ways to show his kindness and depth of feeling for Steve. I know the word count’s long for this one but trust me, you’ve gotta read this fic.

Wait & Sea

Author: Lenalena

Word Count: 53,244

Summary: In which Tony and Steve get sent on an undercover mission aboard a cruise ship to make contact with Hydra. In this AU the military has kept the discovery and defrosting of Captain America a secret, so Steve and Tony have never met before. Yet they are to pose as newlyweds....

Why You Should Read It:

This one’s old and popular enough to be considered one of the “classic” Stony fics, and for good reason. Lenalena doesn’t write too often and not as much as they used to, but the fics they have up there are an absolute delight.

This is another fic that I skipped a bunch of times for being outside my comfort zone, but when I finally read it I saw why everyone’s so wild about it. In this story, Steve’s defrosted a bit earlier and not revealed as Captain America. He and Tony are sent undercover to sniff out Hydra shenanigans on a cruise and, because it’s fanfiction, they’ve got to pretend to be a married couple while onboard. There’s tons to love about this fic, but the things that bring me back to reading it over and over is first, Tony’s kindness and the way he’s attuned to Steve’s feelings, which... God, just inject “kind, observant Tony” straight into my veins, please and thank you. This is also another really rich setting for a story, and Lena knows how to fold the the hokeyness of the cruise into the seriousness of the mission and the depth of feelings Steve and Tony are finding for each other in a really beautiful, layered way. It’s funny, it’s heartfelt, it’s steamy, it’s gripping... why are you still reading this here? Go check it out for yourself!

Ashes to Ashes

Author: dirigibleplumbing

Word Count: 51,582

Summary: After regrouping following some surprise time travel, the world's heroes and sorcerers come up with a plan to protect the Mind and Time Stones by taking them into space in opposite directions. The result involves a lot more time loops than Steve would like, but at least they're getting a second chance to stop Thanos. (As well as a third, and a fourth...) And if Steve takes the opportunity to try to reconcile with Tony, too—well, they have the time, and Steve's going to make the most of it.

Why You Should Read It:

Dirigibleplumbing’s another name in Stony fanfics that does not get nearly as much fanfare as they deserve. They’re consistently a really creative voice in Stony fanfics and I always look forward to their stories showing me something new. Go read all their fics, I need more people to geek out with me over them.

I tend to limit myself on Steve-and-Tony-mend-things-after-Civil-War fics not because they’re not good, but because they’re so heavy, and also the Sokovia Accords have five hundred layers of crap in them that no good fic could possibly hash out well. This one, though? When you add in the Infinity War/End Game fixit? Poetry. Art. Music to my ears. DP wrote a really engaging, twisty story where it’s hard to predict what’s coming next, in spite of it literally being a pseudo-Groundhog day scenario. The characterizations are great, the story is engaging, and the feelings are big and sad and eventually happy. Go read it, you’ll love it.

I have tons of other recs for this category but this seems like a good place to stop for today. Tomorrow’s Alternative Media Thursday, and I’ve got some real gems I’ve been saving for that day (aaaaand possibly a self-rec or two ;)

[neocatharsis]

Ten on his new Represent capsule, grappling with creativity, and evading genre lines.

As Ten Lee - a vocalist and dancer in K-pop groups NCT (with whom he debuted in 2016) and Super M, and Chinese group WayV - is musing over his proclivity for partnering music or visual styles in a way that others deem strange, he veers off on a tangent. “Anything can be matched… except juice and coffee,” he says, suddenly. “Those two should never be.” Ten is infamously anti-fruit. It stems from a mistaken process of association in childhood where “I had the image of a spider and the image of fruit mixed up,” he laughs awkwardly, “so now whenever I put fruit in my mouth, I think there’s spiders in my mouth.”

Random abstractions such as this pepper his rapid-fire conversation, like small fireworks fizzing through the dark. Excitable, enthused and sharply alert, if Ten’s energy was visible it would be a shimmering mantle of gold and silver dust. As a dancer, he moves with a sinuous, controlled power that can shift from elegant to explosive on a single beat. As a visual artist, the Bangkok-born, multilingual 25-year-old recently added the title of designer to his growing list of achievements, launching an already sold out collaboration with the bespoke merch platform Represent.

Aptly, he named his collaboration “What is ??? THE ANSWERS”, for although being a chameleonic artist is one of Ten’s greatest strengths, the personality traits that enable this created within him question marks around how he saw himself fitting into the world. “People ask me, ‘What kind of music do you like?’ And I say, ‘I like R&B but hope it sounds rock’. And they’re like, ‘That doesn’t make sense’.” It was troubling to Ten that people began telling him who he was and how he should be, instead of accepting him as is.

In a recent Instagram Live, the myriad of Ten’s contrasts tumble forthwith. He’s the doting cat-dad. His inner emo, who loves rock music, shows off dried roses, with the stern, black, geometric lines of the large tattoo on his inner right arm sometimes visible. But he’s also delicate in a way, with his butterfly tattoo and hair lightly permed, who names daisies as his other favourite flower, and plays Fousheé’s breathy TikTok hit, 'Deep End'.

“Have you seen the image where I have my name in a cross in lots of different languages?” He pulls the image up on his phone. The design sits on his Represent long sleeve tee. “I was thinking [about this], like, what you’re saying... Ten has this luvvie flower side and a very ‘rawwrr!’ side. I’m always like, ‘Ten, what kind of person are you?’ I do ask myself that, too, because everything I like is so different [to the other].” He could have conceded, and reined himself in. He’s pushed back instead. “I thought, ‘I can be anything I want, I can be this in the morning and this at night. I can be any person I want to be’. And that’s what makes me comfortable and happy.”

On his Instagram, Polaroids feature scrawled messages, like “Don’t tell me what to do!” and “Whatever! I’ll do it my way”. The designs of his collaboration seek to challenge being boxed in by other people’s standards, thus limiting ourselves. The recurring symbol of a cross tipped with arrows is a nod to the Chinese letter for 10, but doubles as a plus sign. He’s added it to his Instagram, writing “TEN_+•10” in his bio. “A plus sign can mean that you’re adding on and growing.” He points to another version of the arrow-cross, one with short diagonal dashes between its points that symbolise light. It means, he says, “that I’m radiating. I’m burning, I’m active, I’m doubling myself.” He touches his forearm, where crowning his geometric tattoo is a blazing sun. “I have this, like, if you want to be the light, you have to burn. I relate to that.”

This isn’t to say Ten’s self-exploration is complete. While celebrating his strengths, the artwork also portrays parts of himself not yet conquered. He admits to being a chronic overthinker: “Even very small things that happen to me, I rethink a thousand times, and I get stressed out because of the things I do. Like, the main theme [here] is me overthinking but trying to find an answer even though it doesn’t have any answer.” Fittingly, spiral shapes dominate his designs, looming large amongst bright, bold shapes that evoke 80s Pop Art and graffiti, though Ten shies away from defining himself as “fully an artist, I’m not in the position to say things like that yet.”

“I’m still learning and trying new things. You learn by getting different elements from different people and I’m in that stage now.” He enjoys wandering the infinite halls of Instagram and Pinterest where he screenshots art that he likes, lost in the images, often for hours. He explains that he’s mostly influenced by whatever his current visual obsession is. “I’m interested in tattoos lately so my paintings look like tattoo designs. I’m that person who, when they see stuff, it goes into my brain and instantly comes out from my hands,” he laughs.

Ten’s introduction to art and design was through his mother, who believed music, art and sport were more important in a child’s development than traditional academia. “She didn’t care if I got an A* or not, just don’t get an F or a D,” he grins. Like any kid forced to do something, Ten railed against spending his weekends at art school. He attended but he didn’t draw. He befriended his teacher and other pupils and, as they worked, he chatted. “I was a very talkative kid! When I came to SM Entertainment (in 2013), I had a lot of my own time because my parents were in Thailand and I was alone. I had to absorb all the new culture and adapt to a new environment.’” When he felt surrounded by “negative energy”, he began drawing, enamoured with the space and freedom it offered because in art, as he often says, “there’s no right answer.”

There is, however, sometimes a middle ground. His goal was to make the Represent collection accessible to his diverse fanbase. “I wanted to make things that people can easily wear because it was my first project to make something with clothes and it’s a collab. If you go too far out, no one will get it. If you go too far back, people won’t reach for it. So finding the middle ground is important but that’s the hardest thing to do. If it’s my own project, I’ll be like, ‘I’m the president of this brand, I’m gonna make all the weird clothes that I can imagine!’”

He sought second opinions to ensure his designs landed the way he hoped. “I have a lot of good friends around me - my choreographer, (SHINee and Super M member) Taemin hyung, my manager. I randomly ask people I’m comfortable with and have known for a long time, like Mark (Lee, of NCT and Super M). Mark has the same kind of perspective as me, but I’m a person who is arrghhh!” He waves his hands in the air. “And he’s very calm. I need a person who is opposite of me because when I’m in a mood, I talk nonsense - ‘I wanna do this, I wanna do that, I wanna make this!’ - and Mark’s like,’Bro, calm down’,” he says in a rather uncanny impression of the Canadian-Korean.

Ten works fast when he’s drawing. He has to. He describes his personality as someone who can't wait until the next day to do something. “I’m very impatient,” he smiles. “If I’m going to paint or draw, I’m going to finish it in, like, two hours. I can’t sit down for three hours.” When inspiration hits him, it’s off the back of deep contemplation, sometimes about the mundane - “Like, why do the cats come to me when they’re hungry only? Is it selfish or instinct? - at other times, something affecting him emotionally.

But whereas his job as a singer and dancer sees him project his energy outwards, art offers the opposite. He’s often alone in his room when he works. As is for many artists, the right mood is fundamental. “When I’m in a good mood, I can’t draw,” he half-sighs. It’s also a multi-sensory process. “Smell or the temperature of the room, that really helps me draw. I light three or four candles. And when I draw, it’s kind of heavy, the feeling,” he explains. “It feels like you’re sinking into something, into yourself, and everything seems so small. Everything narrows down into me, my pencil, the paper.”

The more work he does in different creative mediums, the less Ten’s desire is to keep them separate. His art, dance and music influence each other, whether it’s customising his own collaboration pieces, a choreography video in an art gallery or dancing underwater with a film crew. When someone tells him that something won’t work or match up well, he refuses to let the idea go until he’s attempted it.

“I’ve had that since I was young. I think everything is possible. If you don’t try, you don’t know. When people say it’s impossible, like dancing in water for three minutes, I’m like, then let’s make it possible. You don’t need to walk a straight line [in life], you can walk this way,” Ten says, pointing along an invisible line before switching sharply in direction. “Then go back on track, go that way, come back. No one should tell you to walk in a line, I don’t see the point of that.”

© Clash Magazine

[whereisten]

Porcelain

A Yangyang fic that’s part of our Halloween Series! 

Summary: After a falling out with your friends, you wander into a forest and find a mysterious mansion with an even more mysterious inhabitant, Yangyang. 

Pairing: rich boy!Yangyang x female reader 

Genre: romance, fluff, fantasy, mystery, suspense, drama

Word Count: 7k

Warnings: Violence

(A/N): hey y’all! So the timing for posting this story worked out so well because it’s Yangyang’s birthday (in America!) :D Anyway, this is our second story for our Halloween Series for NCT 2020 and we hope you enjoy!  I’m so excited to be writing for one of my biases. I know my writing needs a lot of work but I hope you guys enjoy it. Yangyang is precious. Stan Yangyang, y’all. Shoutout to Krys for inspiring me everyday and for proofreading my story! You are my rock!

_______

It was October 10, the day in which your small town came together for a big bonfire to celebrate the fall season. Your town of Celestial was known for celebrating something every week but the atmosphere was always special at this time of the year. Classes ended for the week and your friends were excited to go to a party in the woods.

Unfortunately for you, you were abandoned off the side of the road after having a falling out with your friends Dowoon and Sana for blowing off the mayor’s son’s party. You’d recently been rebuffed by him in the senior hallway. Your rejection was followed by your classmates mocking you all day long. You wouldn’t be caught dead at Peter’s party. And you were especially in no mood to put up with your friends’ preference for a good party over their recently spurned friend’s feelings.

You said screw them but they would probably end up screwing each other anyway. They were platonic but their drunken hookups always said otherwise. So sometimes you felt like a third wheel. Which was also why you didn’t want to go. You wanted a new experience this spooky season. And you were probably getting one now that you were 2 miles outside of town. Damn your pride. Dowoon and Sana insisted you get back in the car but the driver, the school quarterback, quickly drove them off. What a sense of community, you thought.

It was freezing in Celestial at this time of year so you were layered up, saving your pair of ruby red mittens for last. The overcast sky appeared to promise snowfall. If not for tonight, the snow would surely fall tomorrow

You knew this area well enough to walk back into town but as you took a few steps forward, you noticed smoke in the distance. Like it was coming from a chimney.

That was odd, you thought. Who lived on this side of town?

As you walked in the direction of the smoke, you moved past the dense evergreen trees and before you knew it, you stumbled upon a mansion out of an old-time movie. Dating back to at most the 1800s. The mansion was a Renaissance chateau, big and domineering. Something that could’ve made Celestial a tourist destination like Asheville had with the Biltmore Estate.

How was it possible that anyone could live here, you thought. Surely, this would be the talk of the town if anyone knew. And if it was off-limits, it would’ve certainly kept the town on their toes.

The mansion was quiet and there was no trace of movement or inhabitants. Then again, it was large so you could be incorrect. The chateau’s main entrance was big and made of the most pristine marble. The only thing missing was a moat. There were several fountains in the entrance. The water froze due to the colder weather. You didn’t understand how you could keep moving forward. You didn’t know this place. You didn’t know who could be inside. But you found yourself taking steps up to the massive double doors. Your hand moved to the doorknob and turned it over. The door creaked open and without a second thought, you walked in.

The door slammed shut behind you but you weren’t afraid. In fact, you were mesmerized by the atmosphere of the mansion. From the outside the mansion looked preserved like a fine piece of art in a high-surveillance museum: cold and unwelcoming and way out of your price range. But on the inside, it felt...warm and bright. It felt like home. It smelled of cinnamon and freshly baked bread.

You walked through the entryway and found everything illuminated by candle light. There was no indication of light from the outside. It was almost as if the real goings-on were hidden from the outside world.  

There were shoes at the entrance. You took your boots off to not track dirt into the residence. Winter coats were hung up on the coat rack. You hang your coat up as well. There was a half-full cup of tea that was beside the sofa of the sitting room. You admired the interior: the expansive first floor library, the dining room table that sat seven, the pristine kitchen area, the music room...

As you stood in the doorway of the music room, you heard the sounds of a violin playing a somber but sweet melody. Rather than grow alarmed, you longed to find the source, thinking that whatever it was could only bring you joy.

The music room was massive, with a skylight in the shape of a spade on the ceiling. The sunset colors of the sky never looked more stunning than they did at that moment.  A grand piano lay at the center. You longed to touch it but something inside you warned you against it. Instruments of all kinds were splayed across the area. But there was no violin in sight.

When you turned around to continue exploring the mansion, that was when you found the source of the music.

A boy about your age stood before you with his violin rested against his collarbone. He continued to play as he smiled knowingly at you. He had straight brown hair that nearly fell into his warm brown eyes. He donned a black tuxedo that was more regal than modern. His eyes crinkled as he watched you, delighted to meet such a beautiful stranger.

You nearly jumped at his presence. “Who…are you?”

Quirking an eyebrow, he replied as he continued playing, “I should be asking you that. You’ve broken into our home.”

“Our?” You asked.

He shook his head. “What brings you here, miss?”

You knew you’d been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to  but you couldn’t help it. This place called out to you and you’d hoped you could stay longer. But it looked like your time was up. You lamely said, “I…need to borrow your phone.”

He shook his head. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re referring to. What’s this ‘phone’ you speak of?” His refined voice was not like that of the locals. He sounded well-traveled, worldly. But definitely from a long time ago. 

The more you spoke to this young man, the more you realized that he didn’t sound like he lived in the same century as you.

You frowned. “You don’t know what a phone is? Come on, you’re kidding, aren’t you?”

He halted from playing and gave you a look. “Tell me. What is a phone?”

“…It’s a device that lets you speak to someone who isn’t with you…” You attempted an explanation that was as eloquent as possible, thinking that if you spoke in a more refined tone, he would get what you were saying. Where on earth could this boy have been from to not know what a phone is? He really sounded like someone from a century past.

“Like a medium?” He asked as he set his violin down in its case. He put his hands in his pockets as he walked slowly back to you. Your breathing stalled as his face was mere inches from yours. He was indeed very handsome. His high cheekbones. His glorious tan skin. A pearly white set of teeth. His legs were dangerously long as he faced you.

Your face warmed up and you hoped he couldn’t tell. You backed away as you locked your eyes on the piano instead. “No…It’s like if I were two miles away from here and you needed to get a hold of me, you could use a phone to contact me on another phone. It’s an electronic device.”

He nodded. “Oh, I’ve heard of those…My family and I could not acquire them, unfortunately.” His expression became sad, longing.

Hearing his defeated voice, you turned to him. “Oh, I’m sorry. Why is that?”

He looked at you, defeated. “I’d rather not say, miss…”

“Y/n,” you answered.

“Y/n,” he replied, liking the sound of your name.

“It’s okay,” you replied, “I should probably go…I’ve overstayed my welcome, sir….Your name?”

“Yangyang,” he answered, anticipating the sound of his name off of your lips.

“Yangyang…Would it be possible to get a ride back into town? I can pay you for your trouble.”

He smiled apologetically. “My sincerest apologies but I’ve no means to take you.”

“Oh…” It was all you could say.

You felt a small pang of worry at the pit of your stomach, especially now that night had fallen. Perhaps, you could make your way back into town if Yangyang offered you a torch. He would have that much, at the very least.

“It’s dangerous to go out on your own at this time of night, y/n…” He said, quietly. It was a little eerie that he read your mind at that moment.

“I know. I’m such a fool…I couldn’t borrow my father’s phone for the night so I have no way of calling anyone…I…just couldn’t help myself when I walked in here…” You said as you looked around the music room. “It was like…”

“Something pulled you in,” he finished.

“Yes, exactly.”

Yangyang began, “I know it’s out of turn for me to say this but I can offer you a room to stay in for the night…Then, you can make your way back into town in the morning.”

You were beyond lucky your parents weren’t home for the weekend. Otherwise, they’d be worried sick. But even so…How could you say yes to a total stranger? Even if you were only a few miles out of town, you didn’t know Yangyang. You didn’t know what his intentions could be.

Another part of you told you to trust him. Because what would you do in the woods at night? You couldn’t account for the wolves or the other creatures of the night. You didn’t know who else could linger in the woods.

As far as you could tell, Yangyang was an odd but attractive guy. And if he was offering a separate space for you to sleep in, then you should take it.

_______

There was a snowstorm in a matter of minutes when Yangyang escorted you upstairs. How odd for it to be snowing in early October, you thought. You rejoiced over how your jerk of a crush's party was a bust. You wondered if Sana and Dowoon made it home safely. You wondered if they worried about you now. After they left you in the middle of the road.

Maybe you should stop being friends with them. You felt like you were more disappointed in them with each passing week. You wondered when they would do something for you. It always seemed to fall on you to pick them up from parties and cover for them when their parents called your house when they went to a 21+ club. You just wanted a simple night in to watch a movie and share ghost stories. Maybe they didn’t want to do those things anymore.

You wouldn’t say they grew up but maybe...the three of you just grew apart.

You pushed thoughts of them to the back of your mind as Yangyang stood in front of an ornate door, decorated with flower engravings, painted in several colors. The initials at the bottom were “W.T.”.

Yangyang pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door for you. He handed the set of golden keys to you. “These are yours for the duration of your stay. You can trust no one will come in...Unless it be your wish, y/n.”

He dropped the keys into your hands. “Thank you,” you whispered.

Yangyang smiled. “You are welcome. Supper will be ready in an hour. I’ll come for you when it is time.”

You couldn’t look at him for too long without your eyes burning. He was too radiant. Too beautiful. Almost otherworldly. You looked down at your socks as you entered the room. You shut it gently behind you.

You locked the door from the inside, trusting that Yangyang gave you the only set. You took a sigh of relief as you took in the bedroom.

This had to be a mistake, you thought.

This had to be the master room. It felt like you were in a 19th century penthouse suite, if such a thing had existed. Your room for the night started with a fireplace and a sitting area. When you walked past it, you entered the study area that was bigger than the first floor of your house. You had a massive walk-in closet filled with gowns and shoes of every color. You even had a room full of fine jewelry on display, including tiaras studded with diamonds. Your mouth remained open as you walked through the “bedroom”.

You shouldn’t have access to any of these things. For they must have belonged to someone. Why would Yangyang let you sleep in here?

Lastly, as your heart couldn’t take anymore, the bedroom was plush and luxurious. The carpet embraced the soles of your feet. After resisting the urge to touch everything else in the bedroom, you allowed yourself to sit on the king-sized bed.

Sleeping in this bed would’ve compensated for all of the all-nighters you’ve pulled in your life. It was a shame you wouldn’t be able to sleep that night, though.

You were many things. Naive, innocent, studious, and quite impulsive at times. But you weren’t about to fall asleep in a stranger’s home.

Half an hour passed as you washed up and warmed up by the fireplace.

Yangyang knocked at your door. You thought it odd that he would be escorting you down himself. Shouldn’t he have servants, living in a place like this?

You opened the door and Yangyang stared at you in shock.

“What?” You frowned. You looked exactly the same as you did when you first met him, he realized.

“Were none of the gowns to your liking?” Yangyang asked, genuinely confused.

You did a double take. “What? Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly...Those aren’t mine. I don’t want to take advantage of your hospitality. No more than I already have.”

Yangyang was stunned at your decision. He thought you would have tried on all of the dresses in the past half hour and don the diamond tiara with golden accents...But no...The suite he’d given you was relatively untouched. You were certainly a woman of your word. You would’ve looked stunning in the red sleeveless dress, he thought. He snapped out of it and said, “No matter. You had the option...That’s why I gave you this room. Everything within these mansion walls is at your disposal.”

You laughed. “You’ve done more than enough for me so don’t worry. Now...can we go eat? I really can’t turn down a meal.” You hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

Yangyang laughed at your candor. “Of course.”

As you walked down the grand wooden staircase, you could hear more people in the house. You heard chairs being pulled, laughter, clinking of glasses, and the piano being played.

You turned to Yangyang. “Who...”

Yangyang replied, “My brothers will be joining us for supper.”

“Oh,” you said, surprised. When you entered, you were shocked enough that Yangyang was there. Who knew more people resided here? Up until now, it was so quiet that you could probably hear a pin drop.

That, and Yangyang’s violin. Which you longed to hear again.

You felt quite underdressed upon meeting Yangyang’s brothers in the dining room, which boasted a lot of paintings and miniature statues to the men who stood before you. There was another grand piano in the dining area, where one of Yangyang’s brothers sat and played a lively piece. Three of the brothers were laughing about an anecdote that the tallest of the group told. The final two men sat as...to your surprise, servants finished setting the dining table, lighting the flames of the candles in the center. The servants’ dresses had turned up collars with plain neckties. Yangyang’s brothers all donned suits of dark reds, blues, and grays. They looked like members of a royal family.

At the sight of you, the music stopped and all of the men started moving towards you and Yangyang.

“Yangyang, an introduction is in order,” the pianist asked as he got up from his seat.

“Brothers, this is y/n. She is staying with us before she returns to town in the morning,” Yangyang said, the humor in his voice when he spoke with you vanished. He moved closer to you, you noticed.

The pianist asked for your hand and kissed it. “Enchanted to meet you, y/n. I am Wei Kun, the oldest of the Wei children.”

You coughed, a little shocked at how forward Kun was. It was a culture shock to you. Most boys thought they were too damn special to ever make eye contact with you.

You shook hands with the other brothers. They were all very happy to see you. But you couldn’t quite place what kind of joy it was so you remained on your toes.

“Please, sit,” Winwin said as he led you to the seat right next to the head of the table. Kun sat down at the head of the table and smiled at you. The rest of the brothers joined you.

The servants began to bring out the drinks and the first course. Ten was about to sit next to you when Yangyang immediately claimed the seat.

“Calm down, brother,” Ten said, “It won’t do you harm to let her sit beside someone other than you.”

Yangyang remained in his seat. “She is my guest.”

Ten chuckled as he sat across from you. “So y/n, what brings you to this neck of the woods?”

A servant poured a glass of water for you. “Thank you,” you replied and tried to meet her eyes.

The servant quickly turned away and headed to the kitchen, you assumed. That was odd.

“Well,” you continued, “My friends and I were going to a party in the woods. We got into a fight and I got out of the car that was on the road not too far from here…”

“A car?” Xiaojun frowned, his bold eyebrows furrowed. He took a bite of his salad.

So these men didn’t know phones or cars... “Oh...Well, they’re these machines that can transport people from place to place…”

“Like a carriage?” Yangyang offered.

“Ah.” The rest of the boys said in realization.

You nodded as you drank your water, “Yes, but it runs on gasoline.”

The boys were amazed at your tales about modern technology. You went into as much detail as you could about phones and cars. The boys were an odd bunch. It was almost as if they never left this house.

Although it seemed like that, they told you tales of their travels to Asia, South America, and Europe. They told you about their cultural expeditions and their visits to the natural wonders of the world. Ten, the painter of the family, motioned to the paintings you’d seen earlier. They were paintings of places like Machu Picchu, the Colosseum, and the Parthenon. They were paintings of the places they visited. They were so vivid and lifelike. Ten was an incredible painter. Talent ran in the family, that was a sure thing. You were as much in awe of their tales. You were thankful the spotlight wasn’t on you like you’d expected, being the sole stranger of this household.

You enjoyed the salad, the tomato soup, the roasted duck, and the dessert, which happened to be your favorite: strawberry shortcake.

“Would you care for another slice?” Yangyang asked in a whisper as the other boys talked. He noticed your face come alive at the first bite of the cake.

You nearly choked on the last bite of your slice. You must have looked gluttonous to him. You should’ve eaten slower, you thought. You must have not been very ladylike at that moment. You shook your head. “That’s alright. Thank you. Everything was delicious.”

Yangyang looked at you once again in confusion. You clearly wanted another slice so why weren’t you asking for it, he asked himself. “Very well…” He murmured.

Lucas got up from the table. “Well, Yangyang, the boys and I will retire early...Although we wish you would let us be in y/n’s company…”

Yangyang quickly replied, “Good evening, brothers.”

They all pouted but wished you a good evening.

You laughed. “Your brothers are a lot of fun.”

Yangyang scoffed. “That’s one word for them. The minute they caught wind that I had a visitor, they insisted on joining us for dinner. I am so sorry, y/n. You must have been overwhelmed.”

You shook your head. “It’s nice to know that it isn’t just you in this house.”

Yangyang was stunned at your words. You were so...kind. Thinking of others, always. Thinking of him, basically a total stranger. You were as kind as you were trusting. It made his heart ache.

He pulled your seat back for you. He offered his arm. “Are you tired?”

Exhausted, actually. But once again, you were in a stranger’s house. And now that you knew he wasn’t alone, you wanted to be more on guard.

“Nope...I am wide awake.” You smiled as you took his arm. He was warm to the touch. The electricity ran between both of you.

Yangyang laughed. “What would you like to do, y/n?”

“I’d like to hear you play,” you said.

He was shocked at your honesty. He liked when you expressed yourself honestly most of all.

It was the truth, you thought. Frankly, it was part of your ruse to stay up as late as possible but if Yangyang could keep you entertained, it would certainly help a lot.

And truly, you could listen to his violin for hours.

_______

Back in the music room, you sat on the couch, serving as Yangyang’s audience. He loosened his tie and took off his jacket, setting it aside on a chair. He rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt.

He warmed up his hands and fingers for a few minutes before he tuned the strings of his violin. His fingers were so elegant and slender. The veins of his arms protruded as he flexed his hands. He looked so focused and determined and just unbelievably beautiful. The violin was an extension of his heavenly hands. This was the most attractive he’d ever been. You bit your lip.

You told yourself to calm down, for he was a complete stranger.

Sure, up until this point, he gave you the bedroom of your dreams. A dinner that nearly brought you to tears from the flavor and comfort it gave you. And he was playing his beloved instrument for you...But you couldn’t get attached so quickly.

He couldn’t meet your gaze because the look in your eyes made him feel something he wasn’t prepared to acknowledge. Time had slipped quickly and his heart was deceiving him when it shouldn’t have.

“So...what will you be playing first?” You asked. How many songs could you get out of him before you both retired to your rooms?

Yangyang grinned excitedly. “An original I’ve been working on...I finished composing it today.”

“Really? Today?” You asked.

He gave you the knowing smile he had the moment you met him. “You helped me finish it.”

“Is that so? Well, I’m ready when you are.” You smiled, about to kick your legs up like an overly excited schoolgirl.

“The piece is called ‘Found’,” Yangyang said as he positioned his bow against the strings and began.

Yangyang was truly an otherworldly being, especially under the skylight. The snowstorm was long gone and only the moonlight shone down on him. His skin illuminated like porcelain. His sculpted face tilted as he immersed himself in his song.

You realized the song was the piece he played when you entered the music room the first time. The song was somber at first. The notes were low and left you feeling down. Yangyang’s face was so melancholic at the start of the song. However, as he continued, the notes became lighter and freer, picking up towards the end, signifying hope. Your heart swayed with each three-note chord he played.

You weren’t entirely sure of the story behind the song but meeting you must not have been a low point of his day.

You clapped for Yangyang. “I loved it! It’s...too beautiful to be called merely beautiful...You are so talented.”

Yangyang’s cheeks were now a rosy pink. He bowed for you. “Thank you.”

You laughed giddily. You wished you could’ve recorded this performance, you longed to keep it with you for the rest of your life.

Yangyang continued playing his original pieces. He was truly gifted in his craft. His compositions were nothing to sneeze at. He should be a world-famous musician with all of the work he’d done.

As he played, he would meet your eyes and give you a little smile. You could watch him for hours. He could play for you for hours.

You two were in this perfect little bubble, then. Reality didn’t take effect. It was divine.

Yangyang’s hands grew tired and after his last song, he sat beside you.

“You look sleepy, y/n,” he noted, “Did my performance actually bore you?” He mocked taking offense.

You fought a yawn but couldn’t let it escape you so turned away from him. You lifted a finger and told him to wait.

You let out a yawn, trying not to be noisy. Yes, you were tired. A long day at school, a falling out with your friends, and an evening at the Wei Mansion did its number on you.

You faced Yangyang again. “I’m wide awake.”

Yangyang lifted an eyebrow in skepticism. “Perhaps you would like  something to drink?”

You nodded. “Something warm...Would hot cocoa be possible?”

“Absolutely. It’s a staple at this household this time of year,” he said.

He offered his hand to you and you took it. Both of you were taken aback by how immediate you were to hold hands but neither of you let go as Yangyang led you into the kitchen.

In the kitchen, he tended to you. The servants were nowhere in sight. The mansion felt like it had when you first came in: empty.

It felt like you two were the only people in this house, a world in itself.

He poured you a cup of cocoa he made and you were in love. The cocoa tasted amazing. You drank it slowly, savoring every sip.

You shivered a little from the cold that creeped into the mansion. Yangyang left for a moment and returned with a blanket. He wrapped it around you.

It was plush and made of the softest material you could ever imagine. If you snuggled too much against it, you would fall asleep right then and there.

But your energy started picking up again...It must have been the cocoa.

“We can go into the library...I’ll start up the fire.” Yangyang offered as he drank his cup of cocoa.

It seemed Yangyang was eager to stay awake with you, you thought.

“Aren’t you tired?” You asked.

He looked up from his cup. “What?”

“You don’t have to force yourself to stay up with me. I’m the one who can’t sleep.”

Yangyang knew you were keeping yourself awake on purpose. He knew you didn’t completely trust him or this house. Slowly, however, you opened yourself up to him and he was quite fond of you. He wanted to be by your side for the night. He didn’t know why exactly but he just did.

He met your gaze. “I hope it is not too forward of me to say this...But I want to remain at your side.”

You looked down, flattered at his words. Then, you mustered your courage and met his unwavering stare. “Okay.”

The truth was, you felt safer with Yangyang. And you couldn’t lie to yourself: you liked him. He was kind, attentive, charming, and a wonderful musician. The moment you met him made you forget all of your troubles...if only for a moment.

You two walked into the dome-shaped library. It was bigger than any commercial bookstore. You wondered how old the family’s collection was.

Yangyang started the fire at the fireplace by the reading couches. He motioned for you to take a seat.

You sat down and nearly sank into the couch. It was so comfortable. You were living in the lap of luxury.

“Y/n, are you alright?” Yangyang asked.

You laughed. “Yeah...why?”

“Your eyes rolled to the back of your head,” he said, smiling confusedly.

You laughed again. “It’s because this couch is the most comfortable thing I’ve ever sat on.”

Yangyang smiled and shook his head. “The simplest things please you.”

“Nothing about this house is simple,” you said.

He shook his head, smiling at you and picked up a book off of the shelf. He scanned the title and the summary. “What do you like to read, y/n?”

You answered, “Horror.”

Yangyang’s eyes widened. “Really?”

You nodded. “Yes. I like the suspense and the kinds of creatures the writers come up with.”

Yangyang was wrong to assume you were a romance kind of girl. He’d hoped to woo you with some Shakespeare. He took it in stride and put the book he had back on the shelf. He took a rolling step ladder and positioned it farther away from you. He got up on the steps and picked up another book off the shelf.

“It’s called ‘The Mysterious Mansion’,” he said, biting back a laugh.

“How fitting,” you said, laughing.

You and Yangyang shared a couch as you took turns reading to each other. The story was dark and twisted but got your heart racing.

Well, maybe Yangyang’s being so close to you may have had something to do with it.

The hours pass and you finish off the last page. Yangyang leaned against the other end of the couch and simply watched you. He loved the sound of your voice and the way it cracked.

He gave you a glass of water to relax your voice. He loved how your eyes scanned word for word. The crease between your eyes as you interpreted the author’s words. But you kept on reading aloud. He’d read “The Mysterious Mansion’ several times but this time was his favorite reread.

You could hear Yangyang talk forever when you heard him read the passages. His voice was soothing and full of wonder. The grin on his face right before he read a twist to the story. The crinkle of his nose when he laughed at your reactions. He’d become a friend.

A friend you wanted to kiss.

This was the most fun you’d ever had. This cold October night with this enchanting young man. You kinda wished it would never end but you were still resolved to...Stay...awake…

Your eyes grew heavy and you curled yourself against the couch. You pulled the blanket tighter around you.

Yangyang realized you were drifting. He quickly moved over to you and shook you awake.

You two had stayed up all night and it was nearing daybreak. And he had to move fast.

“Y/n!” He yelled to wake you up.

You grumbled. “What?”

“Please wake up. You need to leave right now,” Yangyang demanded.

You rubbed your eyes and snapped out of it. How the hell did you almost fall asleep, you fool, you thought to yourself. The alarm in Yangyang’s voice also was a cause for concern. “What’s wrong?” You asked.

He shook his head rampantly. “There’s no time to explain. Do you have everything?”

You nodded. “I have to get my coat and boots at the entrance.”

Yangyang grabbed your hand and you both ran towards the entrance. You put your coat and boots on. Yangyang did the same and he nearly dragged you out the door. You quickly moved down the staircase and set foot on the dewy grass. Yangyang kept his foot on the last step of the staircase.

The sky overhead was mostly black but shades of oranges, pinks, and red were breathing through. Dawn was imminent.

That was when you realized you had no mittens. You’d left them in the bedroom.

Yangyang noticed your bare hands. He pulled off his royal blue mittens and slipped them onto your hands.

“You don’t have to-“ You started.

“I want you to have them. A fair trade. Yours for mine?” He smiled.

He squeezed your hands before he let them go.

“Thank you...for tonight, Yangyang,” you said. Even though it was through the weather and the night that you had no other choice, you had a magical night with a boy who was so wonderful, he must’ve been out of a classic novel. He’d treated you like a friend and listened to you: about what you wanted to do and what you liked. You’d wished you could’ve gotten to know him more but you appreciated that he listened to you attentively.

You were sad the night had ended but you’d succeeded in staying up nearly the whole night at least. You were meant to leave now. You’d overstayed your welcome and you needed to get home. That was the most important thing.

Yangyang moved closer to you and moved some hair away from your face. He touched your cheek with the back of his hand. Once again, you both did something with no thought.

You got up on the staircase and kissed him. He pulled you in to deepen the kiss. He picked you up off the ground as he continuously took your breath away.

But as quickly as this piece of utter bliss started, it quickly ended.

He let you go and set you down on the grass. “Goodbye, y/n.”

“Goodbye, Yangyang.” As you walked into the forest, you turned back once more and watched as Yangyang stood there, his face unreadable.

You waved at him and his expression softened as he waved back.

You laughed as you turned back now and kept on moving. The path to the main road took a little longer than expected because it was still dark. However, the sun rose before you knew it and you were able to see the main road again.

And you were shocked to find several people on the main road. Cop cars were parked off the side of the road. A news reporter for Channel 23 News could be heard saying.

“It is Day 8 into the search for y/n y/l/n. She was last seen on this road, Road 116 by her friends and has not returned home. If you have seen y/n or have any information that can help our police force find her, please call the number on the screen: 1-800-RES-CUES. Again, that’s 1-800-RES-CUES.”

Dowoon and Sana were being interviewed by another news station.

Dowoon was on the brink of tears, his eyes stained red. “This is all our fault.”

Choking on her tear, Sana continued, “We shouldn’t have left her on the road...We thought she went home...We were so stupid…”

What the hell was going on?

You walked into the road and several people turn to you in shock. They gasped and screamed your name.

Your parents broke out of the crowd of people that has accumulated. “Y/n!” They both yell.

They run up to you and wrap their arms around you, weeping hysterically.

Your mom yelled, “Y/n, where have you been? My baby!”

Your dad held your face in his hands, “What happened to you? Are you alright?”

You were shocked at their reaction. “What are you guys doing here? I thought you guys were in New York until tomorrow.”

Your parents, not letting you go, gave each other a meaningful look.

Your mom’s eyebrows furrowed. “Tomorrow? Y/n, we came back a week ago.”

You laughed in disbelief. “No, you guys left Friday morning, yesterday morning.”

Your dad shook his head. “Y/n, you’ve been missing for a week now.”

You laughed again. “No...You guys are messing with me.”

But then you looked around at all of the worried looks on the people’s faces. The police officers came right over. You even saw Dowoon and Sana sobbing not too far from Sana’s car.

“You guys...I stayed in a mansion not too far from here for the night because of the snow…”

“What mansion? What snow?” Your parents asked in unison.

You darted your eyes to everyone else and whispered to them. “Come with me.”

“Y/n, we need to get you home…” Your mom pleaded.

You shook your head. “I need to show you where I was and that I wasn’t in danger.”

“Y/n, we should tell the police-” Your father offered.

“No!” You snapped. “Please trust me. He didn’t do anything to me. He’s my friend.”

At the mention of “he”, your parents were up in arms and motioned for the police to come over.

“We will go with you, y/n…” Your mom said.

She meant that they’ll go with you if you have a police escort.

You shook your head and led the party to the mansion. You couldn’t believe this. Missing for seven days? That was impossible. You’d only been gone for the night. How could anyone have known you’d been gone? Your parents were away.

Once you got out of the forest to the Wei mansion, you saw that there was no mansion. Only an abandoned cabin.

What?

“Is this where you were detained, y/n?” Police Officer A asked.

“I was not detained. This isn’t the mansion I-”

“A mansion?” Everyone looked at you skeptically.

You entered the cabin, knowing that everything you believed in was slipping through your fingers. Tears quickly ran down your cheeks. The cabin was shabby, the furniture inside covered in dust. It had been unlived in for quite some time.

“Y/n!” Your parents yelled.

The police rushed in after you and Police Officer B held you back. “Let me go!” You demanded.

“It’s dangerous.”

The police officers searched the entire cabin three times over and came up with nothing. “There is no trace of anyone having been here for years,” Police Officer A said.

Well, of course not, this wasn’t the mansion that you stayed at.

Clearly, the more time passed, the more concerned everyone looked. It was possible you heard the words “rehab” and “therapy” and “mental break” thrown around.

You had to calm down. You knew you weren’t crazy. You knew it because you wore Yangyang’s gloves.

Yangyang.

Where is he? Where were his brothers? Where was the Wei mansion?

Police Officer B released you and you browsed the area. Your parents trailed behind you. You entered one of the bedrooms, encased in dust. You sneezed and found a chest with a lock on it. The chest was engraved with the letter “W” at the center. 

You recognized the engraving. It was the same handwriting from the bedroom door in the Wei Mansion. Your bedroom door...The keys.

You remembered you still had them in your pocket. It was a long shot but you pulled them out. You placed the key inside of the lock and opened the chest.

You found seven porcelain dolls. The dolls were more sophisticated than any doll sold at the local stores. They were almost lifelike. The way their eyes and lips were drawn. Each doll bared a striking resemblance to the Wei brothers. You could see them all: Kun, Ten, Winwin, Lucas, Xiaojun, Hendery, and…

Yangyang.

The last doll was definitely Yangyang. The doll held a toy violin and wore…

Your ruby red mittens.

Fin.

_______

Epilogue.

Yangyang sat in the music room alone, holding on tightly to your red mittens.

Hendery charged into the room. His brothers trailed behind. “You fool! Why did you let her go?”

Yangyang shrugged. “I’ve had it.”

“What are you talking about?” Xiaojun demanded. “You were smitten with her. She was clearly enamored with you.”

Kun laughed. “It’s because he’s in love with her.”

All of the boys looked at their oldest brother, confused. Yangyang avoided their stares.

“You changed your mind,” Kun murmured.

Yangyang sighed, “She was not like-”

Winwin rolled his eyes. “Please do not give us the story of ‘she was not like other girls’. She seduced you and you let her go. You fell for her game. She outsmarted you.”

Yangyang snapped. “Do not test me, brother.”

Ten interjected. “Okay, okay, everyone needs to calm down...We are just curious...Why? She could have stayed here with us forever...With you forever.”

Yangyang didn’t want to speak to them. Every moment that passed, he missed you more. “She did not wear the jewels or the dresses...She left everything untouched. She did not come to us because she sought material possessions. She wanted a friend…”

Lucas laughed. “How pathetic.”

Yangyang groaned. “You lot would not understand…”

“Do not act like you are better than us, little brother,” Kun began condescendingly.

“I am not-”

“You think you’re better than us because you let a prisoner go this time, do you not? Well, let me bring you back to reality. Our spirits are confined into those tacky porcelain dolls...So what do we do to ease ourselves? We bring people into this realm to reside with us. Materialistic, selfish, and vain people. Y/n is no different from the rest of them.”

“Shut up,” Yangyang muttered.

The rest of the boys were stunned to silence but Kun heard him clearly. “Repeat that, Yangyang. You know the consequences.”

Yangyang got up and shoved your mittens in his pockets. “Shut up, Kun.”

Kun smiled and laughed. The other boys faked laughter so as not to upset Kun even more. His smile quickly faded as he punched Yangyang to the ground.

Kun gave Yangyang a harsh beating and the rest of the brothers watched. No one dared to step in and upset Kun even further. Yangyang couldn’t blame his brothers. Besides, he wanted this. He wanted to feel a pain other than the pain of missing you. 

He may have been damned for the rest of eternity but he was thankful to have met you. You proved to him that not everyone could be consumed by the deadly sins, as he and his brothers had. You were an angel that gave you a moment of compassion, of affection. And for that he would always be thankful.

_______

Come back tomorrow the third installment in our Halloween Series! :) 

[venusdeus]

Court of Kings - Chapter 2

Summary: Sent to a neighboring kingdom to secure an alliance, forced to give up your dreams and ambitions, disregarded as a means to an end. You however have no desire to fulfil their wishes. And neither does Oikawa.

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x female reader

Genre: Fluff, comedy, angst, royalty au, arranged marriage au, enemies to lovers au (more like enemies to allies to friends to lovers), eventual smut maybe?

Word count: 2165

Warnings: All the characters are adults unless specified. This chapter is sfw. Minors do not interact.

Notes: This is part 2. To start from the prologue, you can use this link.

Chapter 1 <...> Chapter 3

You prided yourself in not expressing your thoughts or your emotions on your face and having full control over your body language. In this situation, you thought, it was certainly a blessing. You did not want this man to read your thoughts even though hawk like eyes of his that were focused on you made you think he could.

“A very beautiful garden indeed.” Oikawa remarked for a second time that night, his hand resting behind his back “We do not have this many varieties when it comes to plants up north. It is rather cold there, especially when compared to here.”

The ball was still going on inside the palace walls and the music that was filling the rooms still managed to reach your ears no matter how far in the gardens you went. You two were thrown out together after the first few minutes into the reception, suggested, or more like ordered, by both parties to take a walk in order to get to know one another. Followed by royal guards and an entourage of maids and butlers of course. Thankfully, other nobles that would usually be following you, such as your ladies in waiting, were not present thanks to the ongoing event inside. Never truly alone as it wouldn’t be proper. And you never did something that wasn’t proper. Or at least when someone else could see you.

“As you mentioned previously your Highness.” You replied looking ahead. It was not because you were scared that you did not look at him, or so you tried to lie to yourself, it was because you concluded from his rather rude entrance that afternoon that he disliked you. A man who had disgust and anger written on his face before just as he was supposed meet his future betrothed was not a man worth knowing.

He went as far as not to speak unless spoken to when your family decided to give him and his company a tour of the palace that afternoon, your father being absent of course. And even your normally chatty brother trailed hiding behind you, not daring to talk to him. Oikawa looked too broad, too much like a giant next to his sickly form. His hand never left his sword either. Did he not know what a grave insult he gave you when he behaved as if you were after his head, you wondered. You would not blame him of course, not like you did not know the strained relations between the two countries. But it was rude, nonetheless.

The only interaction you had that day before the ball was limited to greetings and if you counted it, walking next to each other in the halls. In the evening, a dance to open the ball. And that was it until now.

“Princess,” he started as you winced at the name, he did not even bother to use your proper title when addressing you “I heard you also had an exquisite greenhouse. Would you be so kind to show me? I am quite curious.”

You finally decided to look at him, fully expecting to see the previous icy expression on his face but found him to be surprisingly smiling. No, maybe not a smile but a smirk, you thought, the kind that gives you shivers and makes you speechless.

You were certainly not stupid. Nor blind. Since the first time you laid eyes on him that day, you knew that all those rumors about him were true. He had a face that looked like it was painted by the master artists of the past, an angelic feeling to it. He was also tall, towering over you or even the guards. The ladies gushed about how lucky you were and how regal he looked.

If only he did not have that God awful expression on his face when you first saw him, you would have been as starstruck as the Palace staff. It was evident that he made up his mind about you before he even met you. So why should you try to get to know him.

“It would be my pleasure.” you answered turning right towards the greenhouse. You have passed it once or twice every week in your walks but you were never allowed in when the gardeners were present.

He did not speak again until you both stopped at the gates of the glass building. That's when he turned towards the staff and the guards that were following you and addressed them with a voice so sweet that could catch vermin.

“If you could please give her Highness and me a few minutes to tour inside I would really appreciate it.”

It was such an inappropriate suggestion that you could feel your face getting hot with anger. You knew he was rude, but you did not expect him to behave with the manners of a dog. It was no secret that he had done countless things you did not dare voice with other ladies or even commoners in places that seemed innocent enough until he was left alone with them. But to taint the reputation of a royal with such suggestion was another thing.

One of the wives of a southern Duke even recalled one evening, after the announcement of his upcoming visit, that one of the most magical nights she had was at his library at his court, giggling while you sat at the same round table as her, playing cards not even a meter away. It made your stomach turn and not just because of the story, but because of the look she gave you afterwards. It reminded you of the smug look your father’s mistress gave you whenever your paths crossed.

You couldn’t stomach the thought of having a similar faith wherever you went.

One of the butlers, god bless his soul, opened his mouth to object but was quickly shut down by Oikawa’s honey voice.

“The path inside looks very narrow you see. And I am not used to being in such a humid and small space with too many people. I can promise you that we won’t take longer than five minutes.”

In hindsight they should have not let him get away with such proposition. But he was the crown prince of one of the strongest kingdoms in this part of the world and he was also to be your future husband. You were not betrothed yet officially but it was as good as done. If it wasn’t they would not even be invited here.

Or maybe, you should have refused his request or asked only two guards to follow you. But one look at his face and your curiosity was peaked. You wanted to know what he wanted to achieve with such a risqué favor. So, you followed the wolf to its den. If any of the nobles heard of this, or god forbid your family, you would be as good as dead. But you could always order your maids to keep their mouths shut. You could never trust anyone to not talk of course, but a threat could do the work.

“I am bit of a botanist myself.” Oikawa said just before the doors closed behind you.

You couldn’t properly see your surroundings as the only light inside came from the moon shining above the tall glass ceiling, and sadly it was not enough to illuminate your path. Oikawa on the other hand was behaving as if he owned the place itself, walking ahead of you, only turning once to check if you were still following him.

“Though it is mostly a hobby.” He continued, finally stopping in front of a cactus like plant with lovely white flowers and turning to you.

“I am guessing you did not ask to come here alone just to talk about your botanical knowledge. What is it that you want to know?” You asked with a cold tone just as your eyes started to adjust to the dark setting.

The corners of his mouth lifted into what could be called one of the most sinister similes you have seen so far before he chuckled.

“I’ve been told you had a kind and warm disposition but that you are very naïve and certainly not very bright.” He said seizing you up.

You knew of your reputation. What other people did not know, however, was that this reputation of yours was created by non-other than you. Carefully thought of and highly fabricated. The life was easier when people did not expect much from you. It also made it easier to listen in on conversations. Afterall, they did not think you would understand or care. But something about Oikawa aggravated you so much that your delicately built facade crumbled into pieces in seconds.

“And I’ve been told you are a very handsome, intelligent and proper gentleman. What a shame we’ve been both lied to.” You replied before taking a step towards him as if to challenge.

He let out the first genuine laugh since his arrival at your rebuttal, his head tilting back. If it were any other person, they would be insulted at your words, but he seemed to be amused.

“What a shame indeed.” He answered also stepping towards you. “Truly disappointing.”

“Is it what you wanted? A naïve, dull and ignorant wife?”

“Is it important what I want?” he pondered crossing his arms.

“A submissive wife than.” You replied “Let me rephrase that. You needed a submissive and naive wife. For what reason may I ask?”

He acted as if he did not hear your question, opting to not even acknowledge it “If we are to come back to the topic at hand, you are right your highness. I wanted to come here alone to see your true character. I know firsthand how exhausting it is to play pretend with others around.”

“And what did you find?”

“That you are very spirited.” He said moving closer.

“Thank you.”

“That was not a compliment Princess.” He stopped a step away from you.

“Anything you deem disappointing in a woman is a compliment to me.” You replied closing the distance between you two, your bodies only inches apart. He seemed to be taken aback for a second before his eyes narrowed and he turned his head towards the plant you were standing next to.

“Selenicereus grandifloras.” He sighed.

“Huh?” the unladylike sound left your mouth over your confusion before you could stop yourself.

“It is also known as the ‘queen of the night’ for it only blooms once every year at night before its petals wither before the morning. We must be extremely lucky.” He elaborated tilting his head towards the fully blossomed flowers. “Even the most beautiful and spirited of flowers cowers when the light shines. Do tell Princess, where will you be once the morning comes?”

He inched towards you, bending down until his face was directly opposite of yours. It was the most indecent position and against your better judgement you were at a loss of words over it. The humidity inside felt ten times worse than it was as you could feel his hot breath on your face. He was so close that you could smell the soft leather, citrus and cinnamon in which you did not know if it was coming from him or from all the greenery around you. Only thing you could think was one wrong move and your noses would be touching. He seemed to be thinking the same as his gaze fell on your lips before he took a step back.

“Because I do not know where you will be your Highness, but I can tell you where you won’t be.” He scoffed “You won’t ever be standing next to me. You certainly won’t do.”

Turning his back, leaving you stunned and stuck he walked towards the path you took just a few minutes ago.

“I can tell you this with the uttermost confidence. You will never rule beside me. I will never marry you.”

And with that, he was gone.

Finally an interaction? Reblogs are appreciated! And also this was not edited I posted it right after writing it so if you see any mistake let me know.

I would love it if you could give me feedback! Thank you!

Disclaimer: No portion of this story may be reproduced in any form without permission. I do not own the character of Oikawa Tooru. This is a work of fiction.

TAG LIST: Let me know if you want me to tag you. If your name is in bold it means I can’t tag you.

@sassyglassesbunny​ @triskoof​ @m-a-r-i-a-s-b-l-o-g

[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press: Elizabeth Olsen and Jurnee Smollett Compare Notes on Genre-Blending Acting and Advocating for Performers on Set

VARIETY: Neither Elizabeth Olsen nor Jurnee Smollett are strangers to having to really stretch their imaginations to dive into complex characters and even more complicated worlds.

Both have superhero films on their résumés: Smollett portrayed Black Canary in DC’s “Birds of Prey,” while Olsen stepped into Wanda Maximoff aka the Scarlet Witch’s shoes for Marvel’s “Avengers” franchise and then some — including Disney Plus’ first Marvel series, “WandaVision.” They are both now Emmy-nominated for projects that tasked them with jumping through time, blending genres and telling epic love stories (Olsen with “WandaVision,” Smollett with HBO’s “Lovecraft Country”). And, even though they are up in different categories (Olsen in lead limited series/TV movie actress; Smollett in lead drama actress), both of these shows are one-season wonders, leaving the performers and their audiences wanting more.

Olsen and Smollett dissected all that of when Variety brought them together post-nominations to talk about their celebrated roles and surreal playgrounds.

You both had a lot of magical or otherwise surreal elements to interact with on your shows. What did you actually have in front of you to react to on set?

Jurnee Smollett: We were very fortunate on “Lovecraft Country” because the whole VFX team worked so hard to create an atmosphere that was also practical in our space. I remember on Episode 3, the exorcism scene, we shot it over a course of three days and, while there was not a man in real life with a baby head on him, you’ve got the wind machines and the pictures are blowing and all the special effects makeup is being touched up. Atticus [Jonathan Majors] has pretty much turned into a rabid dog and I’m doing this spell with my ancestors and whether they were shooting behind us or shooting the elements, we were at our max capacity regardless because that’s just how we approach the craft. It was such a big sequence to shoot that that’s when the actor in you has to advocate for your instrument. I did go to the director and say, “Can you jump in and cross shoot Jonathan and I?” As an actor it is our job to shoot however many takes, however many angles you need, but then it is also our job to advocate for yourselves. And I love playing in this space because you get to use your imagination you get to go to crazy places. Because even while the practical elements are there; you get to go to crazy places. But I was grateful for the practical elements because it’s just so much easier.

Elizabeth Olsen: Did they have pre-viz so you knew what some of the supernatural elements looked like?

Smollett: With the Shoggoths they not only had a pre-viz for us, but for some of the scenes they had massive sculptures, like a dude standing there in a green suit with a Shoggoth head. The pilot we didn’t have this puppet, but by Episode 8, maybe we got more of a budget or something, but eventually we did get a puppet — which was really cool because you could see, “This is the moment his mouth is opening.” But also, Misha [Green], our showrunner, she just wants more blood, more dirt. She’d try to get them to blow spittle at us.

Olsen: That’s so gross!

Smollett: This concoction of Shoggoth spit, throwing it in front of this wind machine. I find the more practical stuff we have to work with, it just helps so much. And then there were the moments where it’s like, “No it’s just a green tennis ball and an X, and go.” How about you?

Olsen: For all those little things in the air and stuff in the ’50s, it was really important to our director [Matt Shakman] that we did everything ala “Bewitched.” It was all camera tricks, it was all wires. Our head of special effects had a lineage of a father who [did] special effects before him, and so puppetry and wire work and stuff like that were things that were already in his vocabulary, but we would have our special effect guys who are used to blowing things up and putting things on fire just balancing and making sure things aren’t swinging but they have to move. Even in the ’70s when she’s pregnant and everything’s in chaos, we really had a picture on the wall going in circles; they just figured out things with magnets.

When we were filming the finale, it was during COVID, during the fires last summer, and we shot Kathryn [Hahn’s] side at the beginning of the episode when she has my boys with her magic — we had to shoot them out because you always have to shoot the side with the kid out and also Kathryn was doing wires for the first time and of course it was with a corset and it was really hot and really bad air quality and so she had to be sent home by the medic at the end of the day. And so, on my side we were running out of days, and I think we had 35 minutes to shoot my side and my reactions to all of that, and there’s quite a bit of back and forth and throwing myself to the ground and hitting a different mark that will then stitch with the stunt double being pulled. I did a weird one-woman show sans kids, sans Kathryn. Our stand-ins were such a huge part of our show and I was so grateful to have them they’re reading lines with me, and our director, Matt Shakman, was like, “If you feel like you can’t do this, we’ll just do this tomorrow.” That gave an adrenaline rush to me and it just became, “I’m just going to do it.” There’s a lot of fear when you’re like, “Oh I don’t have the elements and I am on my own, literally.” But I’ve had to do this before and I’m just scared to do it because I feel stupid. But I already look kind of stupid — I’m shooting things out of my hands — so why don’t I just lean into it as full as possible and just do it and find it in some core, guttural space of desperation? That day was bizarre, but I was actually very happy that I didn’t put it off. I feel like sometimes as actors when there are things that make us nervous it’s like, “Oh we don’t have enough time to explore so let’s do it the next day if we can,” and then you’re in your head all night about it. And so, it’s nice to just do it, even if it feels silly.

Smollett: I’d imagine surrendering and using the fear and all that that you were feeling probably served you so well in it.

Olsen: And don’t you feel that, though? When you feel unsupported you just want to break down in tears and you’re not supposed to break down in tears or you’re not supposed to have those it’s those feelings in the moment, but there are other times where it is really useful and there’s something freeing about channeling it in some way.

Smollett: Yeah and it’s that word you just used: freeing. Being able to surrender — leap and the net will appear. And you’re right, if you would have gone home, you probably would have come back the next day and you would have overthought it. There’s something about using the adrenaline in that moment that I don’t think you can really teach an actor to do; it’s just experience. Because we go and we prep and we do all these things, and then you get to the set and there’s one distraction, two distractions, and those are the elements that just through experience you’ve learned to use.

But I have to say, when I was little, I used to go to sleep every night watching Nick at Nite and “Bewitched” was one of my favorite shows. I did not expect you guys, at all, to go to land of “Bewitched.”

Olsen: I didn’t either. I’m so grateful to it. I felt like I like forgot my body as an actor. You’re a very physical actor, so I feel like you probably don’t have that experience because you just seem so connected and free whether it’s on stage or doing action. And I really felt disconnected from my body until “WandaVision.” I was like, “Right, I have posture; I can walk; I have legs — all of these things are going to be telling the story and it’s period and so I get to move differently.” It’s been a while since I needed to create quite a different character, and it felt so good to wake up my body to the full character work.

Just watching you in the first episode on stage, I was like, “God damn, I want to feel that free on stage with a song and with an audience.” I’m a self-conscious actor when it comes to extras and things like that. There’s something about it where the crew’s the family, and with extras, I feel so vulnerable. And you seemed so at ease and in control and confident. It made you understand her fierceness and how fearless she was.

Smollett: Thank you so much! It’s so interesting that you point that out because, for me, singing in front of people terrifies me. It truly is one of the things that terrifies me the most. The thing about Misha’s writing is, she finds a way to teach you so much about a character in such a small amount of time. And in that first sequence we learn so much about Leti, from that fearlessness you talk about, the ease that she has in herself and in her person, but then you learn so much about her hypocrisy and the contrasting ideas that are at play inside. She’s a very complex one. In the scene with her sister where she’s talking about having dreams of pioneering into an all-white neighborhood in 1955, but she can’t afford to may for socks. [Laughs.] She didn’t come to her mother’s funeral, and yet she’s here yearning for some sort of family connection. And so, I just remember reading that and feeling so drawn to her and feeling like it’s a side of myself that I needed to unearth — there’s a Leti in me that I desired to actually be, but sometimes am not. And it’s interesting because through Leti, she really forced me to do so many things that I hadn’t done before and really become more fearless, become more unbound. It was just such a very cathartic experience for me.

Olsen: I felt that way with getting to do this sitcom comedy part. I felt like I was touching my childhood version of myself who was a ham doing children’s musical theater, who just who just like played for the laughs or whatever — that part that I don’t access at all, really, when filming. And Kathryn Hahn was such a force and Paul Bettany raised to the challenge, as well, of these comedic performances that were really physically funny. I started to get more comfortable — in the ’60s, ’70s, really got comfortable — and it was so much fun to touch that child that maybe was told too many times, “Oh, you’re such a ham” or you just felt like your big personality as a kid was not OK or wasn’t as appropriate. And so, getting to play with that was really freeing and very fun. As you were saying, there’s a release I needed to have, and through the comedy I was able to have it.

How did this sense of empowerment affect how you carried your own characters’ power? Was there something your character that inspired you to advocate for yourself or did advocating behind-the-scenes inform in-world behavior?

Olsen: I felt very lucky coming into this, because this is a world I know. And so, where my voice of advocacy came in was for actors who are coming into the world — like Teyonah [Parris], wanting to make sure that she had everything that she needed to understand where her character was going because this was a character that’s going to continue [and] if she had everything she needed for stunts. And then similarly with Kathryn, she didn’t realize there was someone who she could use to teach her hand gestures for her magic. And so, she was feeling nervous and lost, like, “How do I do this thing?” And I was like, “Oh, how do you not have that information!?” And then having a conversation with whom you need to on the crew up top and figure out how to keep everyone else feeling like they had everything they needed. And luckily, because this was a show with characters that Paul and I had before, the pieces came together and it was a situation where your voice is welcomed and heard.

From “Sorry For Your Loss,” the TV show I did with Facebook, I now have a producer voice that I can’t shut up. I now just need to talk to ADs a lot, and I need to talk to line producers a lot. I realize that I like having — especially if I’m No. 1 on the call sheet; if I’m a primary part — all of the information so I can understand why decisions that seem weird are happening, or else I’m going to get in my head about, “Why are we doing this this way? I just let people know that off the bat now because it makes me less of a control freak, having information. And it is a team effort and I think the actor’s value has changed in that in that respect. There’s a lot more opportunity for women to be vocal now, and so I’m just really seizing that opportunity.

Smollett: It was a very personal growing experience for me. It was time of transition [and] I’m still going through that transition in my life. In order to truly surrender and do the text justice, there was so much I had to bring to the altar every day to sacrifice. I remember talking to Jonathan about that, and he would refer to it as allowing your heart to break and hoping that the Holy Spirit would put it back together. She was essentially a woman trying to navigate her womanhood but she was never actually allowed to have a childhood. She was habitually abandoned by her mother and didn’t know her father and there’s something in that parental-daughter split that I found myself really relating to. Oddly enough like Leti, I was estranged from my father for years. He eventually passed away, really before there was that healing and so, oh man, it brought up so much shit with Leti. How does she see the world? She sees the world through the eyes of an abandoned child. With Leti, that made her overcompensate; with Jurnee, it made me shrink a lot. When you talk about that artist child, those of us who have been in this business for so long, you take on all the sensors. And I found myself just trying to love her a little more. One of the things I admired so much about Leti is this desire to love herself — this real desire to own herself unapologetically in a world that told her she was too Black and female, to exist in her entirety. It’s still a transition that I’m in, but I definitely feel so grateful to have been able to walk through some of that and navigate through some of that with Leti. But that’s, I think, the blessing and the curse of being an artist. You’ve got to be willing to bring your whole mind, body and spirit to it; nothing’s off limits.

Jurnee, the last time you spoke with Variety we were all assuming you’d get to return to this character, but now that HBO has said it’s not being renewed, do you have unfinished business with her?

Smollett: It’s no secret I’m heartbroken. I loved Leti and of course would have loved to continue playing her. But I am so incredibly proud of the work that we all created together — it feels so special and unique — and I am finding peace in that. We’re artists and there’s an endless well that dwells inside us— and there’s so much that’s out of our control. And I think I’ve done this long enough and I’ve experienced enough heartbreaks to know you don’t get attached to the results too much; you just try to stay in a moment. And I feel just so proud and blessed to have been chosen to go on this ride with these collaborators, so I am more so in the place of gratitude than loss.

On the other end of the spectrum, “WandaVision” was a limited series but Wanda Maximoff is a character you have been coming back to for years, Elizabeth. How do you approach that longevity — the changes in her, the changes in you and the interest in revisiting her at all?

Olsen: I’m 32 and I was 25 — so seven years ago — when I did the first one. There’s so much change that I’ve had, even as an actor and how I approach work and, I think, honor work so much more in the last five years, four years of my life. [Jurnee’s film] “Birds of Prey” feels like such a female-empowered thing, so I feel there’s a really incredible energy to beginning it, but then with me you hear people make comments about Marvel movies and it affects your own process. “WandaVision” really shook that up for me and made me reinvest.

Smollett: I so want to know your process with that because the comic book space was new for me. I’d been a fan; I’d seen all your movies and the other movies. How did you navigate all of those voices? Because they can be very loud.

Olsen: Luckily and also frustratingly my character was always this emotional anchor to a piece of the story. It was like the heart, if there’s a heart. Paul and I were the only romance that was really fleshed out in those movies. And so I just treated it like I would anything. And then, we have a really fun time filming “Avengers” And so it’s really goofy and the Russos are great. And so we, it feels light-hearted, and it feels like we have the last laugh at the end of the day. But when it comes to the reinvesting, that’s the whole mind game, right? Because you just hope that it continues to have this quality control, but the more the more things get made, you’re worried about that. Especially because I did a show on Facebook that was scripted, and I didn’t love the way they handled it. And it was hard. And so second season, we went back and we literally, as a team of producers, had meetings with people who ran Facebook Watch about where we thought they could improve. We had a whole presentation for them. And then eventually, they were like, “We’re not doing scripted anymore.” And so I didn’t have the greatest experience being a part of the launch of another streaming service. And so, the Disney Plus part made me nervous and then bringing these characters that are so big to television made me nervous. But Kevin Fiege explained to us that that they were not going to cut corners, and they’re going to try and create the same attention to detail, and they did. And I think it was really important for them to have that care for these first three shows that they were putting out because it was defining a new thing for them. And so, we were taken care of.

I think more for me with this with the reinvestment moving forward, I never had a six-movie or nine-movie thing; it was always two or three at a time — those were my contracts. And so, it’s always a really conscious decision. I wrapped “WandaVision” on a Wednesday and flew to London on a Friday to continue playing this part [in “Doctor Strange 2”]. I could have used getting out of the mindset, though, because they were totally different utilizations of the character and people would have had more time to understand “WandaVision” had we not just wrapped. And so there’s just a lot of, “We covered this in ‘WandaVision…’” It’s bigger than me, there’s lots of threads that are continuing on after me that I’m not aware of, and so it’s always about, “What can I get from this journey with this character that maybe I haven’t tapped into yet with her?” That’s where I keep approaching things from, so that I feel like I have some sort of strap-hang — that I can know that there’s going to be growth of some kind, even though it all maybe looks the same to other people. There is that conscious decision to learn a new element of this woman, or even of myself as an actor — something that I want to explore that I can bring to it.

Your passion for acting is apparent and you both produce as well. What about directing?

Smollett: I would love to one day. I find myself currently being incredibly excited about producing and ushering new voices and excited voices. I don’t know that I would want to direct myself — that’s a whole other skill. I remember watching Denzel Washington, who directed me in “Great Debaters” but he was also in it, and at that point he had such a command of his instrument that he was able to do that. But it’s a lot. And I remember him telling me, before directing himself, he went and made himself watch all his films just so that he could stomach this idea of watching himself in the editing room. And so, I love the idea of storytelling; I’m obsessed with just telling stories, but I don’t know that I would self-direct.

Olsen: I find myself still loving producing so much because I love asking questions and poking holes and thinking about reorganizing of storylines, things that I feel maybe need more structure. I loved writing essays in school so much; it was like something that I found creative because it was about putting so many different sources into a braid that could maybe create this larger conversation or thought at the end. And so, that’s how I look at scripts. That’s really satisfying enough for me, to play that role. I think one day I’ll think about it more honestly, what it what it would mean to be a director. I fear that if I were to do it anytime soon, I wouldn’t have the tools that I would want. I do ask lots of lens-y questions because I’ve really only been working for 11 years and only recently have I tried to really understand the art of what lenses to choose and why and what it makes an audience feel based on what you’re choosing. I want to have a better, more holistic understanding of [that] before attempting [directing] because I do think it’s such an art and just because I understand the structuring of a story or how a set works, I want to be able to provide the the image in my head. I don’t know if I have that skill yet, but I am curious about feeding it and nurturing that.

Press: Elizabeth Olsen and Jurnee Smollett Compare Notes on Genre-Blending Acting and Advocating for Performers on Set was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[camileeon]

Ayo ayo, I wanna request a matchup for Encanto! If possible, I would like both a romantic and platonic one, but if not then just romantic works!!

My name is Pebble, I am a minor, I’m bisexual and I use she/they pronouns. The only thing I would rather not have mentioned is children, specifically having them as I’ve never wanted kids before. I am 5’5, very pale and my eye bags will never leave. I also have ringletted hair that is a nightmare to take care of ;u;

I like to describe myself as chaotic good!! I love my friends a lot and tend to show my love for them through food, mostly baking. I tend to rant a lot and get very excited about my fixations but sometimes when I’m hanging out with close friends I’ll just vibe quietly.

I really like the arts, mostly drawing and singing, which is also a big reason as to why I love musicals!! My humour can be quite dark and very sarcastic. I love most animals, it’s me dream to have pets like cats, rats or goats in the future!! I adore physical affection and really like making my partners blush through compliments!! I’m kinda hard to fluster myself though. I like horror movies a lot, and I really like telling my own horror stories!!! I am very opinionated and will share my opinions a lot, especially if asked.

I do suffer with depression and may be on the spectrum or have ADHD so I’d definitely need someone who can keep up with me as it tend to result in random bouts of energy, mood swings, and moments where I just need comfort. I also tend to be interested in people with a sense of humour or drama similar to mine.

I often associate my friends with songs, colours, scents, etc. I also love showing my friends my art!! I mostly make oc’s and it’s always really fun to talk about them!! Though, despite how excited I can be, I am also introverted. I don’t like being at parties for too long and my favourite moments would probably be cuddling up to someone on a rainy day while watching horror movies

Other than that, I don’t think I have much more to mention? Sorry if it’s a lot btw, I tend to go a bit overboard with these things

YOUR MATCHUP IS...

ISABELA MADRIGAL!

° Isabela the first thought who came to my mind, period.

° She's the type of person to show her love through acts of service.

° She'd give SUCH GOOD facials and skincare to you.

° Will seriously share the same suffering because she has long ass hair as well, She's a little envious that her hair isn't like yours but LOVES to play with your hair every so often.

° Whenever there are differences in both of your opinions, she will always hear you out no matter what.

° When handling emotions, she always gives you comfort through hugs and pieces of advice and explains that no one seriously is perfect in the world and it's okay to feel that way as she realize and learned from before. She would listen if you had anything else to let out even if it took a whole day.

° You'd both share the same genre of horror movies and would also stay inside and keep cozy on a rainy day, she still is a prima donna after all and doesn't like getting her clothes wet.

° words of adoration and reassurance is her strong suit :)) as she gives them to herself everyday, telling that you are worth it and that she loves you with no limits.

@pebble-bb