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smallfishsmallpond · 2 years

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Wind down work day

I feel like every year around this time of the season I start feeling a little nostalgic. I had an ex boyfriend who died tragically in a car accident. I mean his head was literally separated from his body. It was horrific. But for some reason he’s been on my mind heavy lately and I honestly don’t know why. I don’t think of him often. Well I try not to. My husband gets crusty when his name even gets brought up, which is a whole problem in and of itself but one baby step at a time. My ex boyfriend James was a wonderful and goofy person. He was my best friend before we ever even started dating. I mean he was really my everything for a long time. He was there during one of the hardest times in my life. We got together when I was 15 and he was 18. And no he didn’t groom me it wasn’t anything weird. We went to the same high school and had all of the same friends. And I really was mature for my age. I know a lot of people say that but in my case it’s true. I didn’t exactly have the best childhood, I had to grow up fast in order to protect my brother and myself from the things that our parents were involved with…… oh shit I got off topic.

Anyway James was a very misunderstood person, but I got him. And he got me. He saw me at my worst and he chose to love me any way. I have always felt shitty because I really think I broke him. I was a shitty person back in the day. I mean really shitty. I lied, cheated, stole, really just everything I could. I partied too much. For 2 years all I did was get fucked up on triple c’s and liquor then drive around and wreck peoples shit. But I was the worst to him. He was obsessed with me and I knew that. I think I enjoyed taking advantage of his love. A therapist would say some shit like “You took advantage of his love and kindness because you never got the affection and support that you needed as a child” blah blah blah blah. Maybe there’s some truth in that but really I was just a shitty person and there’s no one else to blame for that but myself. I’m good at chasing people away and with him. No matter how hard I tried, he never left. After he died I didn’t realize how much I actually took him for granted. After highschool I broke it off with him and got with the first guy that could get me out of the town I grew up in. I barely knew the guy and I moved 2 hours a way into his apartment. I had no job and no car. I was stuck in that apartment trying to force a relationship with someone who was still in love with their ex who just so happened to look just like me. (Plot twist me and her are actually friends now but that’s a whole other story) I was bored and unhappy. So you know who I called? Yeah James, I called and he was always there. He would drive 2 hours to come and get me while my ex was at work and he would take me out and then bring me back whenever I wanted. Like I said I took advantage of him often. Don’t get me wrong, I really did love him. We shared some really great times and I was there for him just like he was for me and he also did fucked up shit to me too but….. anyway. After I ended the relationship James helped me pack my stuff and he got me out of there and moved me into a house with himself and his two roommates. Alex and Liza (they were married) they were some nasty, lazy dirty ass people. But anyway. This was the first time we had actually lived together officially and honestly it was a lot of fun. We did drugs together, drank a lot, got a dog, had amazing sex. I mean it felt like a fairytale…. At least at the time for me it felt like a fairy tale. But in reality we were slowly becoming unrecognizable. I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself. And I was also starting to realize that with me James life would be ruined because I was destroying both of us. I was becoming just like my parents and I couldn’t stand it.

I still didn’t have a job and the roommates were starting to get pissed off because I wasn’t paying rent. Understandably. So I went out and got a serving job at a Mexican restaurant. At the time James and I started doing harder drugs (speed) which was what ruined my parents. After a few weeks I couldn’t stand who I was or who James and I were together. So I quit…. I quit the drugs, I even cut back on drinking. And once I stopped I noticed that my relationship with James was hanging on by the memory of what we were like when we were teenagers. And that just wasn’t working anymore. He also didn’t stop doing the drugs. I don’t know when, or why, but I just couldn’t even stand to be around him anymore. So I gave him a choice. Me or the drugs. Let’s just say I didn’t win that battle.

When I got the job at the restaurant I met an amazing man who swept me off of my feet. Tall, handsome, and Hispanic. Oooou baby he was just fine af. So of course we started talking a little bit more and I would sneak away from the house to hangout with him outside of work. It was fun, it was new, it was everything I felt like I needed. So whilst living in the house with James and the roommates I broke up with James and started sleeping on the couch. I had no where else to go and James continued doing drugs. He begged me to take him back I mean he even bought me a ring to prove how serious he was. But he still wouldn’t stop the one thing I really needed him too. So the guy I was seeing at the restaurant started renting a house so I could move out and stay with him. Needless to say we started dating and I moved in with him after only 3 months of knowing him. Yeah I was a serial dater hopping from one man to the other. But I knew this time was going to be different.

No matter what I did James still wouldn’t let go. Constant calls, texts, even emails. He even went out of his was to start hanging out at my mom and dad’s house which was inappropriate in and of itself. It really crossed the line when I took my dad out for his birthday and he informed me that James was helping him get drugs….. I met up with James shortly afterwards and beat the shit out of him in a public park. Because honestly how dare he do that. He knew what I went through with my parents and he was contributing to every thing that broke me as a kid. It broke my heart. So I continued to watch him destroy his life from afar for a few months after that. The calls got less frequent, but his behavior just got worse and worse. Which he told me without me he had nothing else to live for and that drugs were the only thing that made it better…….. I don’t know. Well one day I get a call from an unknown number and I answered it. It was James. He got locked out of his moms house and was wondering if I still had a key. Which I did, so I decided to ride down there and open the door for him and also to give his key back. We sat outside and smoked a few cigarettes and talked about our lives and he told me that he was getting better and was about to start a new job in a different state. I was proud of him. I was happy for him, he seemed better. He seemed happy. And he was starting to see this girl who was making him happy. I was over the moon for him. That’s all I wanted for him. Was to just be happy and satisfied in himself and with his life. Once he started talking about how much he missed me and how I should be with someone of my kind (he meant i should be with a black man because I’m mixed blah blah. It was kind of this inside joke that we had from years and years ago) l had to leave. I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to completely ruin the frame of mind he was in. As I was pulling out of the driveway I told him “just remember James, not a whole lot of people like soul food, but almost everyone loves Mexican food.” Then I blew him a kiss and drove away.

Two weeks later on my way to work I received a phone call from James’ mother telling me that he had been in a terrible car accident. He had been drinking and it was Memorial Day weekend. It had been raining. He lost control of the vehicle. Him and the girl that was with him were ejected from the car. She lived, barely. But he didn’t.

It broke me. I have never felt pain like that and sense it’s happened I don’t think I’ve ever felt that bad sense.

I have always felt in some way responsible which is something I’ve had to work on for the last few years. I miss him. He was 22 when he died I am now 23 about to be 24. I feel guilty that I get to keep on living and he’s just gone. Because it easily could’ve been me in that car with him. But I got to experience healthy unconditional love and I got to find myself. He’ll never get that. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I guess the moral of this story is the cliche “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” Honestly that is so true. So just remember sometimes you do have to do things to make yourself happy. But also never take people for granted. And also don’t hold onto the past. It just makes for a miserable future.

#female writers #personnel #personal diary

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shirophantomvox · 3 years

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How Illumi, Hisoka, and Chrollo would react to their S/O in the hospital

Hi, anon! You are welcome to join my Discord Server if you are a fan of Hxh, Voltron, or both! I promise this is a safe environment! This is an interesting topic for sure! To the other anon(s), I am working on your request! This will contain both fluff and angst. I forgot to include Leorio in this, so I’ll include him in the next HxH post. You’ll have to forgive me, I have 2 more requests in my inbox and I am not feeling the best. I just got my second Covid shot and it is hurting like hell. Nevertheless, I encourage you all to get your shot if you can. I will be on this site one and off and I should be on it for real next week. I have run out of ideas to write and I began to think I was annoying people with my HxH content (no one said this I just assumed). This post has 1974 words. After these requests are finished, I plan on doing a character analysis for Leorio.

Anyway, let’s get into the post!

We’ll start with Hisoka this time.

Hisoka

In all honesty, this man has heard of a hospital (since he sends a lot of people to it after fights) but has never been in one.

The signs, floors, staircase numbers, and elevators all confuse him. He has only been in one once when he was a kid and has never been again.

He isn’t a social butterfly in this setting because this is a professional establishment and not a college party. Asking for directions takes quite a toll on him because of his established pride. You know guys act when they want to find a destination on their own and will go miles out of the way instead of just asking for direction.

He doesn’t talk to anyone; all he wants to do is find you and make sure you are alright.

He is the tallest person in the freight elevator. So tall that everyone at turns to look at him at once for at least 10 seconds and turn back around surprised.

“How tall is he,” one of the nurses ask.

“Tall enough to be my house!”

This annoys him. He takes out the Joker card and lays it against his thigh but realizes he cannot make any hasty decisions. His bloodlust was activated merely out of irritation and not by threat. You were on his mind and destroying these worthless humans wasn’t an option for today.

He approached the guest desk and waited for about 2 minutes before he was acknowledged.

“May I help you,” a smug receptionist asked. Wow, these people do not know who they’re talking to.

“I’m here to see y/n.”

“Y/n is in room 345. Go down the hall and to the right all the way down.”

This man nearly ran with a quickness! His jester shoes somehow made the floor shake as he ran.

You were awake, eating the horrible food the hospital provided and watching TV. It seemed like you were doing ok, but you had just been in a car accident. Your arms and right leg were still sore. It was so bad that you’d be fine with Hisoka carrying you everywhere.

When you two are alone in serious public places, he doesn’t play games or tricks. He is often portrayed as a ruthless man, but in settings like this, he places the jokes and games aside for later. When he enters your room, he is silent for 30 seconds. Much too long. He was shocked; he walked around your hospital bed, pulled up a chair, and stared at your cast. It had many names written on it.

“Yes, I am ok.”

“I apologize for not being there for you,” he began to say.

“Shh… it’s ok. This is life. It hurts like hell, but I’m a trooper!”

Admiring your cast and its multiple fonts of handwriting and messages, he grabbed a sharpie marker, wrote his name, with a heart and spade next to it. Surprisingly, his cursive was very neat and legible.

“I didn’t know you knew how to write in cursive! Why don’t you write me letters?”

“I see you every day and it hurts my hand.”

The doctor wouldn’t be in for another 1 ½ hours, so Hisoka used your thigh as a pillow as he took a nap. He had been up for countless nights thinking about you. He was screwing up so bad, Chrollo let him leave early.

“As soon as your better, we will fight again. I won’t go easy on you. You won’t be in the hospital but you get the jest.”

Illumi

Illumi isn’t the type of man to overreact in these types of situations. When you both agreed to date each other, you knew you all were tough cookies. You were aware of the dangers of dating an assassin and he knew about the dangers of dating a bounty hunter. People hated you both and you targeted.

One night you both were caught in a vulnerable state. While you both enjoyed chocolate milkshakes at a laid-back 1950’s styled diner, two men were previously thrown out for fighting. While your back was turned one of those men shot your arm, causing you to carelessly throw your body to the ground due to impact.

While everyone else was screaming, Illumi jumped to the ground and tied his hair tie around your arm to temporarily stop the bleeding.

“Illu, why does it feel cold in here,” you managed to breathe out.

His heart dropped to his stomach for the first time in history.

“Don’t say things like that!”

Illumi is already horrible at displaying emotions, but all he could do is frown in fear. Once the EMS came barling in, he demanded that he ride with you.

Illumi hadn’t experienced anything like this since Killua had been injured when he fell from a tree.

You and he were separated when you were rushed into surgery leaving him alone in the waiting room.

When Illumi is stressed and cannot properly display how he feels, he tends to act in “odd” ways.

He begins to furiously turn pages in magazines or bother the receptions every 2 minutes about the status of your surgery. When the woman finally says that you’re still alive, he tones it down a little.

Illumi is open to conforming advice from strangers; he has been receiving it secretly from strangers. Since Silva was busy abusing him, he often found comfort from “the streets”.

He has a bad habit of pacing back and forth and fidgeting in his seat while horrific images fill his mind. All he has seen is pain and even though he was used to it, he didn’t want you to go through it as well.

While sitting in his seat (finally!) and head in his lap, doubled over indescribable sorrow, a little girl walks up to him with her hands folded and a doll under her arms. Illumi feels her presence and looks up. The girl’s curly hair covered her endearing eyes and her smile is wide.

“They’ll be alright. I just know they will,” turning around returning to her mother, the girl said with confidence.

On cue, Illumi placed his hand over his heart, smiling just a little.

He walked quickly to your room once you were out of surgery.

His speed walk mimics one of a soldier; his left arm in since with his right leg. His shoes echoed throughout the hall.

As soon as he enters the room, he shuts the door harder than usual and gives you a tight embrace. This surprises you! You’re lucky if he lays his head on your shoulder!

Illumi had been working out lately. He wanted to beat you in the “squish the melon” contest. He is very competitive and even if he lost, that doesn’t hurt his ego. Not in the slightest. Since it was just the both of you alone, he bends down to hug you tight, so tight that your face is squished against his.

This behavior is only surprising because he usually doesn’t coddle you even when you get hurt, but this time he realized that you could have died from the gunshot wound.

After that he kissed your forehead and almost simultaneously the doctor barreled in just missing the sweet moment between you and your beau.

Chrollo

When Chrollo is holding meetings with the Phantom Troupe, he always appears to be neutral. That is very important. A leader has to show strength even through the worst/hurtful times of their lives.

Chrollo had gotten a call from Nobunaga that you had gotten hurt on a mission and had actually gotten captured by the enemy. Phinks was able to get you back but you suffered horrible injuries.

This is protocol; they do this for any of the members. The troupe was oblivious to the fact that you and Chrollo were dating. They thought you were here to replace Uvo.

In situations like this, he is calm on the outside but screaming on the inside. Common sense will tell you if you are startled by the news you’ve just received and you begin to drive, you could cause more harm on the way to your destination.

Chrollo is very silent; he doesn’t call to check on your status or anything; he would rather see it for himself.

You were a trooper! After all, you are dating a dangerous robber.

Chrollo already knew what room you were in so he just went.

“I knew I should have kept y/n by my side. Y/n insisted on doing my dirty work that they almost died! How foolish could I have been?” He constantly cursed himself for letting his guard down with you.

He always gave you room to think and complete your own tasks but he can’t help his protective nature; one he has for the troupe but times 10.

His childhood friends had been shot by law enforcers, his home was horrific, and the last thing he needed was for you to be gone. You were keeping him afloat in society.

When he opened the door, Phinks was sitting in a chair, one leg over the other, laughing at a TikTok video.

Nobunaga on the other hand was watching the world news and seemed invested that he didn’t hear Chrollo enter the room. Once they both saw, they stood to their feet.

“Y/n is ok boss. They suffered a few cuts and burns, but they're breathing.”

Chrollo’s straight face remained as he stared at you.

Chrollo’s silence is something the troupe has internalized as a sign of anger, rage, or both. When he didn’t speak and just stared, everyone knew that their next mission was going to be a brutal one.

Chrollo is a man that isn’t afraid to express how he feels. He could cry right now if he wanted to and no one would dare laugh at him or insult him. After all, Nobunaga cried when he realized Uvo was dead.

Nobunaga and Phinks excused themselves as they saw him place his hand over his mouth.

Once the door closed, He pulled up the chair, grabbed your hand, and gently squeezed it. His warmth woke you up instantly and you turned your head. You winced in pain causing Chrollo to jump from his seat, moving to your right side so you wouldn’t turn your head too much.

“I’m glad you're alive, darling. What were you doing putting yourself in danger? Feitan could have handled the beast!”

He isn’t trying to doubt your ability to fight, he’s just concerned for your safety. Even so, why would he insist that you join the spiders?

A tear dropped from his face as he silently kissed your hand three times. You smiled warmly and placed your right left hand on top of his.

“I am fine, boss. You need not worry. I’m a trooper, remember?”

He placed your hand against his dry cheek and continued to kiss it. You were his lifeline and he wanted to spend every moment with you.

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angelmavmurdock · 3 years

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Our Little Secret: Part Seven - A.R.

Word count: 4883 Summary: Arvin has to avenge Lenora but has to see y/n before he leaves.

WARNINGS: SMUT, ORAL (fem recv), DIRTY TALK (mild), EXHIBITIONISM (kinda? car sex basically). a LOT of emotions.

TW: mentions of guns, the preacher being the horrific person he is

It was a week later and probably the worst week of my life. I was ultimately grounded: not being able to go to cheer practice, not being able to leave the house and of course, not being able to see Arvin. I would still cook and bake for the Russell's but I'd just drop it off at the door or give it to Earskell outside.

Daddy was getting worse and school was getting more stressful due to exams coming up. Ma and I were not talking much. Only statements, really. Nothing more, nothing less.

I missed Arvin. But I was angry at him and confused about the previous week and why he acted like that. He just gave up, just like that. He has always been so protective of me but in that situation he left me with the wolves.

And on top of all of that, I was dealing with grief: an emotion I had never experienced before. Some days I felt numb and all I wanted to do was go to Arvin about it but I couldn't. And I was still dumbfounded at the fact she was pregnant and I had no idea. Lenora had somehow had sex and not told me. Maybe she didn't even know she was pregnant.

I often sat at my desk, pencil twirling in my fingers, thinking and wondering and daydreaming about him; when really I should be studying.

What was he doing? Did he miss me? Was he planning on seeing me again?

I could only wonder what he'd be doing at this moment...

Arvin's POV

I watched from the drivers seat, slumped with my cap low.

Reverend Teagardin had just gotten home from his rendezvous in the woods with the Reaster girl and was now greeting his wife. I saw him begin to take his suit jacket and tie off while gesturing for her to undress, too.

I clenched my jaw watching him. He undressed down to his shirt and socks, sitting proudly and smugly on his armchair like he owned the place. Like he owned her.

She sauntered up to him in her nightdress and dropped to the floor, hands on his thighs. I watched as he pushed her down fully on him.

I felt nauseas. I turned away and opened the window to get some air. I didn't like what I was doing but I had to do it. For Lenora.

After I'd seen enough, I drove home in silence. I didn't listen to the radio anymore. Just didn't feel right without y/n.

Despite the planning, the darkness and the grief going on in my life, the only thing that kept me going was the fact I might see y/n soon. But even then, I don't know if she'd even want to talk to me.

I had to leave to protect her and her parents. I understood them. I was the bad guy and she was the good girl and that's how it always was and always will be. There's no changing that.

When I got to the house, Earskell was sitting on the porch, a cigarette in his mouth

"You're late." He stated as I walked towards him.

"Yeah." I sighed.

I took my hat and jacket off then sat down next to him.

We sat in silence but it was far from that in my head.

I needed to leave tonight. But I had to see y/n. And I had to say some sort of goodbye.

But when I opened my mouth to say something, I closed it again. I wanted so bad to say goodbye but they'd be better off knowing nothing if the law came looking for me.

"Uncle...you have to be good to Grandma,"

I felt my eyes tear up. Thankfully it was dark so he couldn't see.

"She's hardly been out of bed since the funeral and without y/n here, she ain't been doin' good."

"I know." Earskell clenched his jaw.

"Grandma needs you, alright?"

He turned to me and nodded. But he looked longer than usual. It was almost like he knew.

I waited outside until Earskell went to bed. I walked in behind him and stood in the quiet house, my foot tapping the floor in thought.

If I was going to do it, it had to be now.

I collected my thoughts and quietly went into my room, packing a bag of basic clothes. My heart raced as I moved. Was I really doing this?

I stood and rubbed my hands over my face. I was crazy. What was I thinking? I sighed and sat on the edge of my bed, looking up at the art on the wall.

I never liked that drawing. It haunted me. Everything about this house and this town haunted me. Everything except from y/n.

I reached under my bed and pulled out an old wooden box. I sat it on my bed side table and opened it.

My daddy's old gun sat in the middle, accompanied by some bullets.

I gulped, staring at the weapon for a few moments before picking it up and loading it with shaky hands.

I placed it in my bag and left my room. I had every intent just to go. In the dead of night, just leave. But as I passed Grandma's room, I knew I had to write her. So I did. I quickly got out a pen and paper and wrote her a goodbye letter.

Dear Grandma, I'm writing to you because I cannot say goodbye to your face. I love you and I will always remember the things you have done for me. What I'm about to do, I do because I have to, not because I want to. Please do not try and find me. Love your grandson, Arvin.

I rolled it and sat it in a tin can. I quietly opened her bedroom door and tip-toed in, gently placing it on her bedside table. I looked at her for a few moments and then left, heading out her room, down the hall and out the front door. I got into the car, throwing my bag in the back and driving off.

It was 2 o'clock in the morning so I wouldn't expect y/n's parents to be awake. I drove up the drive of her house, nerves and adrenaline rushing through me. I parked before the gate and hopped out. There were no lights on except from one. The front left window on the second story. y/n's room.

I smiled and walked carefully along the gravel, trying not to be too loud. I picked up a few of the small gravel stones in my hand and grinned up at her window.

I aimed and threw a stone. It hit her window perfectly. I smiled, the realisation that I might see her dawning on me. I threw another, and another, and another. I was about to throw yet another until she pulled her window up.

She peeped her head out the window and looked down in shock.

"Arvin, what the hell?!" She whisper-shouted.

"y/n! Come down, please." I dropped the stones, wiping my hands on my jeans.

She looked behind her and I could see her hair pulled back messily. She must have been lying in bed.

"I can't!" She whispered.

"y/n, I really need to see you."

She scoffed, "Maybe you shouldn't have been such an asshole and I might have come down."

I hung my head, "I'm sorry, I really am. I was just trying to protect you-"

"Protect me?!" She hissed.

"Can you just come down and we can talk about this? Please?" I clasped my hands together.

She hesitated, looking at me to her door and then back at me again.

"Wait in the car I'll be there soon." She whispered before shutting the window.

I grinned and silently celebrated, returning back to the car to wait on her. I bit my lip nervously, my hands gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white.

But soon a figure caught my eye. I saw y/n exit her house and close the door carefully. She checked her surroundings before jogging over to the car. She was in a white blouse with a white A-line skirt. Her hair was intricately pleated and tied with a white silk ribbon. She looked ethereal as I opened the door for her and she got in. She didn't wear any makeup so I could see her freckles that peppered across her skin and her natural glow in the moonlight.

"Hi." She gulped nervously.

"Hey...d'you wanna go to the lake?" I asked.

"Sure." She nodded.

I pulled out and drove away and onto the familiar road we took to go to our spot.

"So, y/n I just-"

"I recommend we talk when we get there because if I scream at you and we get into an accident, that's my fault." She stated, not taking her eyes off the road.

I gulped, "Okay."

We drove in silence down the quiet roads. No one was out except from travellers. We finally reached the lake and I parked just beside it.

It looked picturesque; the moonlight shining onto the river making it gleam at the stars and the trees were full and lush.

Reader's POV

We sat in silence for a few moments. It was awkward and tension filled the air. I had snuck out and risked getting grounded again for this.

"Arvin, why am I here?" I finally asked, arms folding in front of my chest.

"Just to see you. I needed to see you." He spoke quietly.

I felt all the emotions come back to me but I didn't have enough energy to shout at him.

"Why did you leave? Why did you do that?" I asked.

He sighed, "I was protecting you."

I rolled my eyes, "Protecting me? Protecting me from what?"

"From your parents kicking you out or for them hating you for the rest of your life because you wasted it on me." He snapped.

"Wasted? You think that if we were together it would waste my life?" I turned to him fully.

He lay his head back, "I'm not like you, y/n. I'm not rich, I don't live in a fancy house, I don't work in some office job. I wouldn't be able to give you what you wanted and that's why your parents don't like me and I understand that."

I spluttered then scoffed at his negative attitude.

"Arvin, you are you and that is all I want." I felt tears spring into my eyes.

He turned his head to look at me.

"I don't need a fancy house or tons of money..." I shook my head and reached over to take his hand.

"But I do need you." I took his hand to my lips and pressed kisses onto his skin.

He watched me and I could see him tear up.

"I can't ruin your life like this." He shook his head.

"You are not ruinin' my life, Arvin. You're doin' everything but that. My life is miserable without you." I smiled slightly.

He moved his hand from mine and traced his calloused hand over my cheek, then pushing some stray hairs behind before cupping my face. His thumb stroked my skin softly as a tear rolled down his face.

"Oh, Arvin," I exhaled in sympathy.

"I'm already causin' trouble. I snuck you out at two o'clock in the mornin' I mean, that's not very responsible is it?"

I chuckled, "We're still teenagers, Arvin. We can still have fun. We don't need to be responsible all the time."

He slightly smiled, looking at my lips then to my eyes.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked in a whisper.

I nodded, "Kiss me, Arvin."

He brought his lips to mine as I rested my hand on top of his. Our lips touched and it was as if nothing had happened and we were back to normal. It was soft and sweet, our lips moving in sync like we had done this a million times before. He slid his tongue into my mouth and I hummed at the taste of him. He moved his hand from my face to my waist and squeezed my skin. I took the initiative and crawled onto his lap.

It was a little awkward with my skirt but a chuckle and a giggle we resumed, lips clashing together in a new passion. Our tongues pushed and swirled in each other's mouths, exploring as much as we could.

His lips travelled to my neck and he sucked and licked over my skin. I moaned, threading my finger through his hair as I leaned back, allowing him more access to my neck. He kept going, kissing the spot on my neck he already knew I liked. I pulled him as close to me as possible and rolled my hips in reaction.

I moaned in pleasure and confusion. Arvin hesitated for a moment but when I experimentally rolled my hips again, he held them tighter and kissed my neck with more fervour.

I picked up a rhythm, grinding my hips down onto Arvin's jeans. The friction between my pants and his jeans sent pleasure coursing through me.

"Does that feel good?" Arvin asked even though he knew my answer.

"Feels so good," I moaned.

He helped my hips move faster on him and we stopped kissing in concentration. I tugged his hair in my fingers, closing my eyes to enjoy the unexpected pleasure. I paused to rip Arvin's jacket from his shoulders and to take his shirt off. He complied, lifting his arms and then shaking his hair back into place once it was off.

"Back seat." I mumbled breathlessly as I kissed his lips.

"You sure?" He asked in the same manner.

"Please." I whimpered.

We pulled away and I got off of him, shedding of my blouse and skirt on the passengers seat before getting into the back seat and lying down. Arvin removed his jeans awkwardly but then climbed on top of me relatively easily.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck as he dipped down to meet my lips again. His slid down my sides, cupping and groping my breasts covered by my bra. I gasped, arching up into him. He smirked at my reaction and snaked his hand around my back, unclipping it with ease and then throwing it in the front seat.

He palmed my boob with one hand while the other cupped my face, our lips sloppily kissing one another.

He started to kiss my jaw, my neck and then went further, leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses down my breasts, my stomach and he stopped at my panties. He hooked his fingers under the waistband and I lifted my hips to help him take them off. He slid them off and discarded them.

I furrowed my brows in confusion when he didn't come back up to face me again. Instead, he lifted my legs and readjusted himself between my legs. I suddenly felt self-conscious as he was face-to-face with my crotch.

"Arvin, what're you-"

"Tell me if you want me to stop, baby." He said lowly before dipping his head between my thighs.

I gasped and gripped his hair instinctively as he licked my skin from my thigh to my core.

"Arvin," I moaned, his breath fanning over my core.

He looked up at me with his dark, lustful eyes as he licked a strip from my entrance to my clit. I bucked my hips onto him in shock and pleasure.

I had never even heard of this. I knew people had sex. But I didn't realise this was a part of it.

"Taste so good, baby." He mumbled.

His tongue flicked upwards on my clit and gained a steady pace. I held his head tightly, my fingers messing up his hair. I had never felt such pleasure before. His hands held my thighs but I noticed when one of them slipped from my skin.

I looked down at him and whimpered at the sight of him between my legs, tongue working against my clit expertly.

"Feels so good- oh my god!"

He slipped a finger into my entrance with ease, curling up to find my spot.

"Shit! Yes!" I arched my back, removing a hand from his hair to grip onto the back of the seat for some stability.

The duo of his tongue and his fingers was nearly too much for me to handle. Nearly. He kept going, never halting and praising me through it.

"Look so amazing, baby. Feel so good. Taste so sweet, darlin'."

"Arvin, I'm so close." I choked, feeling the same knot form in my stomach.

"Go on, baby. Come for me."

I held his hair and pushed him further into me as I felt my high approaching. He groaned as I chased my high, feeling myself clench around his fingers. His tongue never stopped and neither did his fingers as I came. I moaned loudly, my free hand trying to grip onto anything around me. My high washed over me euphorically, his mouth and fingers still riding me through it.

I pushed his head back a little when I became sensitive to his touch and he pulled away and lifted me off my back and swiftly onto his lap. I was still hazy but he kissed me softly, tucking some hair behind my ear.

"You did so good, baby." He uttered against my lips.

"That was...so good." I sighed in satisfaction.

"D'you wanna feel me?" He asked lowly.

I bit my lip and nodded, "Yes. God, please."

He smirked and lifted me up slightly with one arm as his other pulled his underwear down to his knees and he shrugged them off. I gulped at the sight of him again. He went to touch himself but I beat him to it, wrapping my hand around his member.

His breath hitched in his throat and he rested his hand on my thighs as I pumped my hand up and down, my thumb brushing over his tip each time.

I lifted off him and swiped his tip through my folds and then eased myself onto him. We both moaned as I sank down on him, bottoming out almost immediately because I was so wet.

"So tight, darlin', fuck." He groaned.

I moved up and down on him, picking the speed up relatively quickly.

Soon enough we were both panting, moaning messes. I bounced on him mercilessly, the sound of skin slapping filled the fogged car and I gripped onto his shoulder with one hand and the inside handle on the door with the other. Arvin's hands stayed on my waist, helping me to move up and down on him.

"Fuck, it feels so good. You feel so good, Arv." I moaned.

"So good for me, y/n. So fuckin' good." He leaned forward and encased my lips in a wet kiss before flipping me onto my back.

I gasped and then moaned in upmost pleasure as he pulled out and pushed back into me, his member hitting deep within me.

He dipped his head down to my neck and I clambered at his back, leaving scratch marks over him.

He thrusted into me relentlessly and I wrapped my ankles around him, bringing him as close to me as possible. Suddenly he shifted me down slightly and I moaned as his member continuously brushed against my spot.

"Yes! Right there, fuck!" I moaned, gripping onto him with dear life.

He continued, his grunts and moans filling my ears. I gripped his hair with one hand and his back with the other.

"Fuck, I love you so much." He said into my skin.

My heart fluttered, "I love you too. So much."

"You gonna come for me? Gonna come a second time for me? Good girl."

His words coaxed me into my second high. I arched my back and moaned louder than I should have but it felt too good. I held him as close to me as possible as he thrusted into me, every brush making my orgasm more intense.

"Fuck- baby, I'm gonna come." He groaned.

I released my legs from his waist and he pulled out of me, leaving me feeling empty. I replaced his hand quickly and pumped him on top of my core. He watched with an agape mouth, pleasure consuming him as he finished. He painted all over my lower stomach but I didn't mind. I enjoyed watching him finish. I loved the fact I made him finish.

"Shit," He crashed next to me, panting.

We sat listening to each others breathing before he sat up and grabbed a handkerchief from his jacket pocket. I giggled as he brushed it over my skin, cleaning me up softly, mindful of the fact I was still sensitive.

He reached behind the seats and retrieved a blanket we'd often use for cold nights.

"I'll put the radio on." I smiled.

I reached forward and turned on the radio. A song finished and I sat back. Arvin had found a comfortable position in the corner and tapped next to him. I smiled and sat where he gestured, both of us putting our feet up and relaxing into each other.

'I'll Never Smile Again' by Frank Sinatra came on the radio and I nuzzled into Arvin's bare chest.

(PLAY NOW!)

Arvin's POV

"I love this song." She sighed sweetly.

I gulped, knowing that this song would now have a whole new meaning to her after this conversation. In fact, it was pretty fitting.

"y/n, I gotta tell you somethin' that might seem crazy and horrible but..." I spoke nervously and I could already feel the lump beginning to form in my throat.

She squeezed me a little, "What is it?"

I took a few deep breaths, gathering my thoughts and what I was about to tell her.

"I needed to see you tonight because...because I'm leavin'. Tonight."

She paused and then sat up, holding her half of the blanket over her chest.

"What the hell are you talkin' about?"

I gulped, "I have to do somethin' and I can't be here anymore."

"What d'you have to do, Arvin?" She asked, concern lacing her voice.

I looked into her eyes, "I need to avenge Lenora." I said truthfully.

I think she immediately knew what I meant. She stopped and stared at me with the same blank expression for nearly a whole minute.

"y/n please say somethin'."

"I uh...I don't know who you're gonna hurt. But do you really need to?" She asked.

I nodded, "I have to. I won't be able to rest until I do."

Her chin began to quiver, "But I need you."

She broke into a sob and I brought her close to me, holding her head to my chest and rubbing her back soothingly.

"You will be just fine without me, y/n. I know you will."

"How can I live my life knowin' you might be out there. Or what if you die, Arvin?! What will I do?!" She sat up, facing me, tears staining her once glowing face.

I cupped her face and wiped her tears away, "I love you. And I will always love you, y/n. You need to know that. If I could, I would stay with you."

She cried into my hands and I felt myself begin to break.

"I would stay with you. I'd marry you, I'd have kids with you and get a house with you. I'd spend the rest of my life with you if I could, y/n. But I can't." I felt tears fall down my face.

She shook her reddened face in my palms, "I can't go on without you, Arvin."

"Hey, yes you can." I stated.

"You will be just fine. You're startin' college after the summer and you'll be gettin' a job, a life."

"Without you." She cried.

"I know. I'm so sorry it has to be like this, y/n."

She looked at me, "I'm sorry, too."

I brought her back into me and we sunk into our original position. We were both still crying and we both knew.

"Keep close with Grandma but don't tell her anything about me. I don't want her worryin' and I don't want her knowin' if she doesn't have to." I said, kissing the top of her head.

"Okay." She nodded.

"I don't know where this'll take me. I don't know if I'll get in trouble for it, killed for it, or what. But I can't come back here even if it was to be with you."

"How could we reconnect if you did survive and get through it?"

I sighed, "I have no idea. I could be half-way across the fuckin' country."

She sniffled and wiped her nose, "I can't believe this is happening."

"I know, darlin'. I know." I kissed her head again.

We sat listening to the radio just being with each other for another hour. We fell asleep for an hour after that, wrapped in each other with the blanket draper over us. The sun rising woke us up. We awoke at the same time and readjusted our position to how it was before and watched the sun turn the sky red, pink, purple and orange.

"Ain't this the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" She asked quietly, as if trying not to disturb the sun from continuing its venture into the sky.

I moved her hair away from her face and tilted her chin to look up at me.

"Nothing can or will ever be more beautiful than you, y/n." I said softly.

She smiled and colour rose to her cheeks. I leaned down and kissed her. It was deep and meaningful and timeless. Like the world stopped just for us. It was breathless and beautiful and it made my heart ache knowing I would never have this again.

She was the love of my life.

"I'll need to drive you home before your parents wake up." I sighed, pulling away from her.

She closed her eyes in dread but nodded in agreement.

We got out and peed then changed into our clothes. She took her hair out of the plait so it was wavy. I'd never seen it like that before. She looked beautiful. I leaned against the bonnet of the car with a cigarette in my mouth, watching the lake liven up again and the sun poking through the trees. y/n walked up slowly to me and stood next to me, wrapping her arms around me. We both looked at the scene in front of us and took it in.

"Let's get on the road, alright?" I whispered to her.

"Okay." She gulped.

I disposed my cigarette then we got in the car. I reluctantly drove away and we got back on the road, heading up to her house.

My hand stayed gripped in hers the whole way. I drove as slowly as I could up the drive but we reached the gate and I had to stop.

We turned to each other and crashed our lips together. We were both already crying so the breathlessness and the salty taste on our tongues was mutual. I cupped her cheeks and threaded my hands in her hair, then down her back and her waist to her hips and her ass, squeezing and then coming back up.

We both parted but stayed millimetres away, gasping for air.

"I love you." She said hurriedly.

"I love you too." I said it back.

"Fuck, I don't wanna get out the car." She cursed.

I brought her head to my clavicle, pressing my lips to her head and inhaling her scent.

"I love you." I said again as she pulled away.

She reached for me again, our lips meeting in a rushed, passionate manner.

Her hands moved into my hair to down my chest and then back up to cup my face.

"Fuck, I've gotta go, Arvin." She panted, a tear falling down her cheek.

"I love you." I said.

She hesitantly pulled away, our hands still intertwined.

"Be safe and do what you have to do, alright? I will always love you, Arvin." She said shakily.

"I will always love you, y/n." I stated, my eyes blurring.

She waited and paused and I knew she was about to go.

I leaned in again, kissing her deeply, getting the last taste of her, swirling my tongue hurriedly around hers in an attempt to savour every last moment with her.

We pulled away.

"I love you, Arvin."

"I love you, y/n."

She immediately got out the car. Slamming the door shut to rip the band-aid even more. I watched her as she walked up her driveway and up the steps to her house.

My heart shattered when she got in and shut the door without looking back.

"Fuck."

****

I sat down a few pews back from Reverend Teagardin, resisting the urge to shoot and kill him on the spot.

"Excuse me, Preacher?" I spoke up.

I looked up at him from my cap.

"You got time for a sinner?"

{Tags: @notanordinaryprincess96 @imagine-yourself-happy}

#arvin russel #arvin russel x y/n #arvin russel fluff #arvin russel smut #arvin russel angst #arvin russel x reader #arvin russel mini series #mini series #tom holland #tom holland series #tom holland fluff #tom holland angst #tom holland smut #tom holland fic #arvin russel fic #one shot #imagine #tom holland imagine #arvin russel imagine

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shallowseeker · 2 years

Text

The positive meaning of 15x20

Lately, I've given you the evil versions of the finale filled with death and terrible views of the fractured self. Now, I'm going to give a more positive/thoughtful explanation.

Why did Dean die? "It was always going to end like this," because Dean died long ago, and Supernatural is Sam-Jack working out why and accepting it. Perhaps the trauma is just something awful like a car accident, or it’s something more difficult that would wound Sam badly and cause him to blame himself … like if Dean took his own life. A young child might easily view suicide as a sacrifice, and if that child is ill, that would compound the fracture. Sam telling Dean he can go in 15x20 is Sam accepting it. Sam leaving the bunker is Sam/Jack leaving his fantasy world. That's why the wife isn't Eileen. That's why they cut out all the hunter friends in the final episode.

The perspective of a child - So many of Sam/Jack's fears revolve around Dean giving up, and so much of the journey is Sam finding out stuff about his brother he didn't previously know, like that Dean always wanted to be a firefighter. This is why Dean is the most important person in Sam's life. Because he’s his parent. This is also why Sam fails to really know him. ❤️ Who did Dean point a gun at: Sam AND Jack. Who did Dean kill death protecting: Sam AND Jack. I’m not sure but Cas faces metaphorical mental brokenness and depression (the empty) for Sam-Jack. Whenever something bad happens to someone, Sam-Jack thinks it’s because he’s caused it. He thinks God let Jesus die, so maybe he’s supposed to as well.

The person behind the actual mask: Real Sam/Jack isn't good-looking or heroic, or the kind of guy who could wield Thor's hammer like in Last Holiday. He's just some guy. He might even be a very young person/teen! There's something about Sam needing blood to be stronger, going through trials, faith healing, etc that speaks to Sam having a chronic illness. Sam's later obsessions with healthy eating and parallel to Steve Jobs speaks to this as well. Purity culture and clean eating is a HUGE way to control illness. When you're sick, you often feel unclean, like it's your fault. My theory is that Rowena also likely has an illness but is putting her belief system in magic.

On illness: When you're ill, there's something horrific in being consumed by the illness. Sometimes you look around and feel like everyone is pouring their energy into you, and you haven't had time to learn the first thing about them. Sometimes you feel horrible needing basic things like blood infusions because that's someone else's life force. Don't even get me started on how our culture has up till now viewed organ donations. There's something really lovely in Jack eating angel hearts to "make his body strong," you see. It's a narrative tension about illness. With unclean blood, could be anything from thassalemia to cancer to Mary’s “demon” of doing drugs that passed on HIV-AIDS at birth. (What’d your mom die of. Oh, she had her demons. Where’s your dad? Oh he’s chasing his own demons, I suppose. Where’s Dean? Son, everyone has their demons.) A kid hearing that sort of talk might take it literally. Might even conjure up another hero self to hunt those demons.

Who is Dean: The Dean we see on screen IS a complex manifestation of Sam's memories placed in a heroic, monster-hunting setting. So what do we know about the real Dean? We know he was Sam's caretaker, and if Sam was really, really sick, then Dean likely gave up a significant part of his life to help him. John was absent. We don't really know why. Perhaps, Mary, Dean, and Sam even have a familial illness and that sent John chasing after miracles and mystery cures. Maybe he too was angry with God, the world, and lost himself to alcoholism.

The specter of drinking and suicide: We know that something terrible happened to Dean that caused Sam to generate this big epic love story to deal with it and try to solve the puzzle of his brother. Much of his logic throughout the narrative is like a child learning their parent is a *person.* We also know that Dean is HUGELY tied up in religion at some point, so I'm thinking that whatever happened, Dean sought absolution through church, and that introduced a whole 'nother dimension to sort through. What is a huge horrid thing religion says about suicide? That they go to HELL. That’s gotta be awful to deal with. Sam seems uncommonly afraid of Hell in general. 💔 And well, other reasons Dean might “go to Hell”? I mean, his dad sent him to a boys’ home at 16. One of the caretakers has rosary beads…

On the quest for the cure: Ezekiel/Gadreel wasn't a person. He was a treatment that went bad. Like chemo or other toxic therapy. He maybe got Sam's "permission" to treat him when Sam had given up, and Sam was so angry about that. So much of the boundary crossing in SPN can be re-imagined as various treatments for chronic illness. Just think about what eventually happens to Jack. Cas goes off on a quest to get a mystery “experimental” medicine...that makes Jack worse. It's heartbreaking, really. Cas is always searching for, "another way" for them in the last couple seasons. In fact, Cas and Dean together are constantly searching for cures, and that's...that's really something. Cas and Dean chase their own demons of purgatory and hunger, of depression, caretaker burnout, and incredible incredible stress over losing Mary, Sam, Jack, or Claire. Then they wanna kill themselves or god. It’s not fair.

On locking yourself away: The final seasons are haunted by Dean putting himself in a box. Putting Cas in a box and being separated from Cas. In drowning in alcohol. Being angry with god. Having versus being. Being able to say things. Like this is something Sam-Jack began to realize about the world and how relationships are perceived.

Who is Cas? Cas himself is complicated. Is he a doctor? A church counselor? A therapist? One thing we know is he's a constant presence, and he's constantly being taken away by work and church. His looming association to marriage and other children makes me think this was a constant source of tension and he may have been living as a closeted married man. Cas has/had obligations to previous families before tying himself to Dean (and taking on Sam-Jack's illness). Sam-Jack had a lot of trouble accepting the re-emergence of Cas into their lives initially (See: the specter of what Benny actually represents; “Not my Dean!” said Bobby), but nonetheless, Sam-Jack eventually chose Cas as his secondary father. That Cas said, "Nothing is worth your life," triggered a huge heartwarming hug from Sam. Like a kid, he picked Cas before he realized exactly why Dean needed him. Two of the most parent-iest things I can think of are “There’s nothing I’d put ahead of you,” and “Nothing is worth your life.”

Sam seeing the future: The Chuck-terrible future he saw where Dean gave up? It's because Cas died. The box is both a coffin narrative and depression and being closeted. Claire (Mary?) died. Dean lost hope. So, Sam had to deal with that too. In a way, that's the truth and a huge part of what happened to Dean. So Sam rejects it. I think Cas definitely really died. He symbolically died over and over when he left them to return to his Christian hetero-normative life. And Dean's "you're dead to me!" and the whole divorce thing that Sam-Jack saw in the beginning of season 15...that's complex. At some point, Cas chooses them, but marries that devotion to his previous obligations. Cas’s hallucinated death is a huge metaphor for depression because what disappears when you let yourself be happy? Sadness.

Who was Eileen? Disability narrative aside, I feel like Eileen was a fellow patient that Sam loved and could relate to. Maybe even one that he knew very young. One that loved popcorn and alligators and played games with him.

On Jack in the box: Putting Jack in a box is about not facing Sam/Jack's trauma and that this big story is just a fantasy. Letting Dean die and letting Cas die represent waking up. But the death of Jack or Sam represent death of the entire world/destiny etc. This is why I saw Jack-Sam is the self, and Cas and Dean's deaths are paths to accepting what happened in your life. Jack is the WHOLE self that worked through it all. Sam is the specific slice that repaired his relationship with his brother. ❤️

Maybe I'm not worth all this... We love you because you're you.

That's the most beautiful meaning of SPN. :D

#tw: suicide #15x20

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btsqualityy · 4 years

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Heaven Sent; Part 1

Jin x Reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: Minor character death (nothing explicit or descirbed though), grieving families

Nothing felt necessarily different when you woke up this morning. You woke up in the same bed that you had been sleeping in for the past 6 years, in the same tiny house that you had fallen in love with years prior. You went through your shower routine as usual, and the same happened when you did your makeup and hair. You even struggled to wake your daughter Aera up this morning like you always did, because she loved to sleep in just like her daddy. By all accounts, it was a normal morning.

Except it wasn’t, because today was the day that you were burying your husband and Aera’s father.

“Mommy?” Aera called and you hummed in reply as you put the finishing touches on her ponytails. “Are you almost finished?”

“Just about,” you sighed heavily, grabbing two black ribbons and taking the time to tie each of them around the bases of the two ponytails that were in her hair. Once you were done, you picked Aera up and sat down on the edge of your bed, settling her in your lap.

“We need to have a serious talk really quick, ok Love?” You told her and she nodded her head. “You know how Daddy has passed away and how I explained it to you?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled softly.

“Well, today is going to be the last time that you see him for a long time,” you said and her face instantly bunched up.

“Not even when I’m a big grown up?” She wondered and you shook your head sadly.

“No, not even then,” you replied as you reached up and brushed back the baby hairs that framed her face. “But I want you to know that it’s ok to be sad or cry if you want to, and that you don’t have to be strong for me or anyone else.”

“Are you going to cry Mommy?” Aera questioned and you smiled sadly, choosing not to lie to her.

“Yeah I am, because I’m sad,” you nodded.

“Ok,” she agreed easily and you hugged her tightly, your chest tightening at the thought of what was to come.

........................................................

The actual service wasn’t that bad, which is something that you had anticipated. It wasn’t until you watched Hae-il’s casket being lowered into the ground that you finally broke down, and it took both your father and Hae-il’s father to haul you away while Aera sat in your mother’s lap, sobbing into her chest.

After everything was said and done, Hae-il’s parents held a small dinner back at their house and family and friends appeared to offer you their condolences.

“I’m so sorry Y/N-ah,” Yoongi whispered, holding his arms open and you immediately fell into them, hugging him firmly as you hooked your chin over his shoulder. You and Yoongi worked together at the same interior designing firm, and you had been at work with him when you had gotten the call that Hae-il had been involved in a horrific car accident. Yoongi, as well as Taehyung who was another of your coworkers, went with you to the hospital where you found out that Hae-il’s injuries were fatal.

“How are you holding up?” Taehyung asked after giving you a quick hug as well, and you shrugged lamely.

“I’m barely holding it together and that’s only because of Aera,” you confessed, taking a second to glance across the room, where Hae-il’s mother Eun Ae was trying her hardest to get Aera to eat something. “This is so fucked up for her.”

“Hey, don’t leave yourself out of that,” Yoongi said softly. “You lost someone too.”

“I know but it’s different for her,” you sighed. “She’s so young, I don’t think she really understands even though I’ve explained it to her the best that I know how.”

“It’s gonna take time Y/N-ah,” Taehyung said and you just hummed in reply. Suddenly, you heard a loud squeal and you whipped your head to the side to see Aera sliding down off of Eun Ae’s lap and running across the room. Your eyes followed her to the front door and your eyes widened when you saw Kim Seokjin standing there.

“Uncle Jin!” You heard Aera cheer, her squeals bouncing throughout the house as Jin picked her up and hugged her to his chest.

“Guys, give me a sec,” you said and after receiving a nod from Taehyung and Yoongi, you turned and walked over to the door.

“How are you, little heart?” Jin asked Aera and she shrugged her shoulders.

“I’m sad,” she answered truthfully and you saw Jin sigh heavily before nodding his head and gently patting her back with one of his large hands.

“That’s ok, because today is a sad day,” he told her. He then looked up and saw you walking towards him, and the same sad smile that had been on everyone else’s face whenever they talked to you today was now on his face as well.

“Hi Y/N,” he greeted you and you did your best to smile, leaning forward and giving him a quick one-armed hug. Jin and Hae-il had met in university, becoming close very quickly and remaining as such throughout the years. You had of course met Jin several times but with him living in Japan overseeing the chain of restaurant that his father owned, you and Hae-il rarely saw him over the last 3 or 4 years. He was Aera’s godfather though, and he loved her almost as much as you and Hae-il did.

“Hey, I didn’t see you at the service,” you muttered and the sad smile on his face turned apologetic.

“My flight was late so I only caught the tail end of it,” he explained. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s ok. Besides, Hae-il knows how much you cared.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss Y/N,” he said, and it looked like tears were beginning to form in his eyes. However, he quickly recovered and continued. “You guys meant so much to Hae-il.”

“Thank you,” you nodded. “There’s food and stuff here, so feel free to help yourself.”

“Alright.”

“Aera, why don’t you come with me so that Uncle Jin can eat?” You suggested as you reached out for her but she shook her head and snuggled further into Jin’s suit jacket.

“Wanna stay,” she muttered.

“It’s ok Y/N, I got her,” Jin told you and you raised an eyebrow.

“You sure?” You checked.

“It’s no problem. Besides, I missed my favorite girl,” he smiled, leaning down and kissing the top of Aera’s head. “Did you miss me, little heart?”

“Lots,” she whispered and Jin gave you a small nod as if to say “I told you so” before stepping around you and walking towards the kitchen. As you turned around to watch them, your mother walked up to you.

“Are you hungry Y/N?” Chae-won asked and you shook your head. “I can make a plate for you if you want.”

“I’m not hungry Mom,” you replied.

“You sure? I haven’t seen you eat anything today.”

“I’m fine,” you stated firmly and the tone of your voice showed your mom that you didn’t want to keep talking about it, so she let it go.

“Who was that man carrying Aera just now?” She wondered instead.

“That’s Kim Seokjin. He and Hae-il have been close since University and he’s Aera’s godfather,” you explained.

“That’s the uncle Jin that she’s always going on about then,” your mother chuckled. “He must be great with her, because he’s the first person that she’s let hold her today besides us and Hae-il’s parents.”

“He loves her,” you confirmed. A few seconds of silence passed between the two of you then before your mother sighed heavily, and you already knew what she was going to say.

“Y/N, I really wish you would reconsider our offer to let you and Aera move in with us for a while,” Chae-won said.

“No.”

“You’ve never had to raise Aera alone before and it’s going to be a tough adjustment,” Chae-won continued. “You’re gonna need the support.”

“Maybe so, but I can’t and won’t rip Aera away from the only house that she’s ever grown up in,” you explained. “So much has changed so fast for her, and I don’t want to make any of this harder than it needs to be. Besides, that’s the first house that Hae-il and I bought together and you’re crazy if you think that I’m going to leave it now.”

“Y/N, that’s not what I was trying to-” your mother began to say but you didn’t stick around to hear the rest of her sentence, walking off as you felt the anger coursing through your body. You understood your mother’s intentions, but you also don’t think she understood exactly what it was that she was suggesting. Your house was the place that held the most memories of Hae-il and you would be damned if you were going to leave it now; not when you needed it the most.

........................................................

Once the dinner was over and everyone had left, you took Aera back home to get her ready for bed after the long day. You wanted to keep everything as normal for her as you possibly could, so giving her a bath and struggling to get her to brush her teeth the way that she should went on as they always had.

“Mommy? I have a question,” Aera told you as you helped her into her bed, pulling her covers back and watching as she climbed inside before sitting on the edge next to her.

“Yes?”

“Does Daddy love me?” She asked and your eyes widened.

“Of course he does,” you nodded. “Why would you ask me that Aera?”

“Because he left us and it hurts,” she told you. “You said that if someone loves me, then they wouldn’t hurt me.” You sighed heavily, realizing that your previous attempts to instill some self-worth into your five year old were now backfiring horribly.

“Well sometimes, people hurt us even though they don’t mean to or want to,” you began. “Daddy didn’t want to leave us and if he had been able to choose, he would’ve stayed.”

“Really?” Aera’s tone sounded doubtful as she asked.

“Really,” you confirmed, thinking for a few seconds before deciding to try a different tactic. “Do you remember what your name means?”

“It means love,” she chirped. “That’s why you call me Love and Uncle Jin calls me little heart.”

“That’s right baby,” you smiled. “Did you know that your daddy chose your name?”

“He did?” She whispered in awe.

“He did and do you wanna know why?” You asked and she nodded her head up and down rapidly.

“Why?”

“Because he loved you as soon as he knew you were in my tummy,” you revealed and her eyes widened.

“That was a long time ago,” she muttered.

“It was,” you chuckled. “So even though we can’t see Daddy anymore, he’s still sending you lots of love.”

“Ok,” she agreed, all of what you said seeming to make sense to her. “I miss Daddy, and his hugs.”

“That’s ok to miss him,” you assured her. “And how about anytime that you want to hug Daddy, you come hug me instead?”

“Really?”

“Really,” you confirmed and you didn’t have time to prepare yourself before she sat up and launched herself into your arms, wrapping her little arms around your neck. You hugged her back, making sure to squeeze her tightly the same way that Hae-il would. “I love you Aera.”

“I love you too Mommy,” she said as she let go of you.

“Alright, lay down and go to bed, ok?” You told her and she nodded, laying down and you pulled the covers over her. Once she shut her eyes, you leaned over and kissed her forehead before reaching over and turning on her nightlight. You then stood up from her bed, walking over to the door and shutting the light off. Making sure to leave the door slightly ajar so that you could hear her if she needed you, you made your way down the hallway and into your bedroom, the length of the day beginning to weigh down on your body.

By the time that you had showered and took your makeup off, you didn’t have the energy to do anything else but flop down onto your bed and pull the covers up and over your head. You felt yourself beginning to drift off and you happily welcomed it, until you smelt a familiar scent.

Your eyes popped open and then widened when you realized that Hae-il’s pillow was right in front of your face. You had been very careful to avoid it over the past week, not wanting to make things any harder for yourself. This time though, you allowed yourself to drag the pillow towards you, burying your face in the material and inhaling deeply.

“Damn it Hae,” you whimpered, the tears quickly welling up and spilling over onto your cheeks. “Why did you have to leave us?”

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starlocked01 · 3 years

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Look Alive, Sunshine

AO3 Link

Dukexiety Week Day 7- Music WC: 1.8K Summary: Remus picks Virgil up from his dorm in the middle of the night to combat an old fear. Content Warning: Swearing, Panicking, references to past suicidal thoughts

@dukexietyweek

A/N: This is actually in the same universe as When Can I See You Again? which is the first dukexiety story I wrote featuring Soul mark timers, lots of miscommunication and drama, and fun. And fight club. If you've liked this week's oneshots, maybe give WCISYA? a try ^_^ Thank you everyone for reading along and sharing this week <3

Despite Remus' progress with Dr. B. and despite over a thousand nights with no incidents, Virgil still could not shake his fear of the Xs. He hadn’t seen them in years, but some nights Virgil stayed up to watch his soul mark countdown the seconds until Remus could reassure him he'd lost sleep for no reason.

Most of the nights when he stayed up watching with growing anxiety, Virgil didn't even try to text Remus. His boyfriend needed the sleep and would just worry when he woke up until Virgil finally rolled out of bed and answered his reassurances. Tonight was too much. Tonight, not even the steady passage of time promising he'd see his soulmate the next day was enough to allay thoughts of horrific unforeseen accidents.

Tonight Virgil texted his soulmate at quarter to two am and watched as the numbers changed without warning.

00:05:17

Five minutes. Virgil gulped and couldn't help but feel like he'd fucked up. He glanced at his phone several times, bewildered by the lack of an answering text, but mostly watched his wrist counting down.

At about the two-minute mark he finally realized he should probably get dressed and grabbed a pair of skinny jeans to struggle into. He struck his foot on the corner of the bed and bit his lip hard to avoid waking up his roommate. Virgil quickly shrugged on his hoodie and shoes before checking his wrist again.

00:00:10

He laughed to himself at the near deja vu feeling, walking over to the window to watch for Remus’ car in the parking lot.

To his surprise, there was a knock at the dorm door instead. Virgil jumped and rushed over to the door, cracking it open just in time to glimpse his soulmate grinning out in the hallway.

"Remus! What are you doing here?" Virgil asked in a hissing whisper, sliding out into the hallway and shutting the door as quietly as possible, "do you know what time it is?"

"Uh yeah, babe. 2 am. You're the one who sent a distress signal, what was I supposed to do?" Remus answered at his normal, too-loud volume, wrapping Virgil in a tight hug before the smaller man could answer or object.

"You coulda just told me you were alright," Virgil grumbled, hugging his soulmate back tighter anyway, "do I want to know how you got in?"

"The desk worker recognized me and let me in. Don't worry, I would only break in if mildly inconvenienced," Remus grinned, starting to pull Virgil with him down the hall, "so why are you up so late? You weren't waiting for me to croak, were you?"

Virgil started to respond but stopped before he got a syllable out. That was what he was technically doing, even if he dreaded that very thing more than anything. "I- don't make it sound like I would ever want that! I just… got worried."

Remus tugged Virgil closer to his side, "I'm okay. And I'm not going anywhere, worrywart." He waved briefly at the night guard and ushered Virgil outside, "c'mon. We're gonna fix this."

"How? You're okay tonight but what about tomorrow? How do I know you're going to be okay every night? What if-" Virgil gulped, not wanting to vocalize his worst fear.

Remus stopped just outside the door and turned to Virgil, "come on, Virgie. I always call when it's a bad day. And I haven't had one in a while."

"Yeah, but what if-"

"If I had a bad day, I'd call. C'mon. We've gotta get your mind off this," Remus murmured, pulling Virgil towards his car.

Virgil huffed but followed Remus easily enough, sliding into the passenger's seat as Remus scanned through a pile of CD cases.

“Oh my god, you still have those?” Virgil asked, a bit surprised to see his old emo collection.

“Of course I do. One of the best your-birthday presents I’ve ever gotten,” Remus giggled and picked the album he’d been looking for, “I get that you get scared. When I die you can listen to The Black Parade and mourn me, but tonight we are gonna Look Alive, Sunshine.” Remus started the car and fed the CD to the center console before backing out of the spot and zooming out of the parking lot.

Virgil hummed happily, giggling as Remus recited the initial traffic report along with Dr. Death-Defying, “I love Danger Days. Remember how you convinced the DJ at Prom to play this song?”

“How could I not? He only did it because of your pouty little baby face back then,” Remus teased, earning himself a smack on the shoulder, “what? He certainly wasn’t doing me any favors.”

“You’re an ass,” Virgil chuckled.

“I’m your ass,” Remus corrected him, headbanging along as he drove.

“So where are we headed, ass of mine?” Virgil asked just over the music, watching as streetlights and neon signs advertising closed stores flashed by.

“Nowhere special,” Remus replied carefully, pretty quickly turning into an empty parking lot and pulling into a space as far from any lights as he can.

“Yeah.. not kidding about that... Is this a bookstore?”

“Bookstore parking lot.”

“Okay, why a bookstore parking lot?”

Remus didn’t answer, just unbuckled and tried to squeeze between the front seats of the car to the back. Virgil watched in amusement until Remus managed to push himself through and got settled in the back.

“C’mon. You do this for me all the time, now it’s your turn.”

Virgil laughed and turned the key to the battery-only position in the ignition and locked the car doors before following Remus, sliding back to the back seat a touch more nimbly. He settled into Remus’ lap and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

“Thank you,” he murmured, settling in as Remus wrapped his arms around him and started singing along with the music.

“If that's the best that I could be? Then I'd be another memory. Can I be the only hope for you? Because you're the only hope for me,” Remus sang softly to Virgil, running fingers through his hair.

Virgil sniffed and sang the rest of the verse, “And if we can't find where we belong we'll have to make it on our own. Face all the pain and take it on because the only hope for me is you alone,” he tried to relax and let Remus’ presence reassure him that neither of them was going anywhere without the other, “is it weird to say I wish you were around more often?”

Remus stopped humming along with the music to hug Virgil tighter, “not weird at all, V. You’ll graduate soon and we can move in together. Then you’ll really be sick of me.” he smiled and kissed Virgil’s hair, “we’re so close to forever, love.”

Virgil sighed and began to sing along again a few songs later, “we can leave this world, leave it all behind. We can steal this car if your folks don't mind. We can live forever if you've got the time,” he buried his face in Remus’ chest, almost wishing they could just start driving tonight and never looking back.

“My pretty little heart attack in black hair dye,” Remus giggled, “you gotta finish school first so I can just kick Roman and Remy out.”

Virgil laughed at that, “as if you’d ever kick your brother out.”

“Easier done than said. I’ve lived with that asshole for far too long already,” Remus replied pointedly, “you know, we can work out transportation if you would perhaps consider moving off campus next semester.”

Virgil sat there silent in consideration. The only thing really stopping him from agreeing was the wall of anxieties over moving in with his boyfriend and living off-campus and paying rent and having to find a job in between homework and classes. It was a lot to figure out, not even considering the implications of actually moving in with his boyfriend. What if Remus did something crazy like suggesting they get married? What if everything changed and he didn’t like it or get used to it? What if nothing changed and he still woke up at 2 in the morning from dreams of Xs despite falling asleep in Remus’ arms? What if-

“Virgil- where’s your head, Stormcloud?” Virgil’s thoughts were interrupted by the question and a soft steady tapping on the back of his neck.

Virgil sighed and shook his head, “sorry. It got away from me. I kinda want this moment to last forever. It’s safe and predictable.”

“An abandoned parking lot is not life, sweetheart. Trust me, I love how safe this is. I love holding you and knowing nothing can happen to you while we’re here. But life doesn’t happen in safety. We can face it together, we always will. But we do have to go out and face it eventually,” Remus spoke softly, letting his voice mingle with the music.

“You’re here now. You’re here and real and not going anywhere. That should be enough. Why isn’t it enough?” Virgil asked in a small voice.

“Because you care. Your love isn’t limited to this moment,” Remus laughed softly, “your love has saved me before, so don’t you dare try to limit it now.”

“I- oh wow, Rem, I am so sorry,” Virgil caught himself and sighed, “I think I get it now.”

“Oh? Figure something out?” Remus asked quietly, continuing to tap on Virgil to the beat.

“I haven’t been trusting your love. I’m an asshole,” Virgil shook his head, “ of course I won’t wake up and find Xs. You love me. I’m so dumb for not trusting that because of course you’re not going anywhere.”

Remus chuckled, “now you’re getting it, V. I know you can’t help worrying, but you’ll at least let me prove it when the worries get too much?”

Virgil sat up carefully, “I didn’t want to bother you with it before. Goodness knows we both need the sleep, but I think next time, I’ll just reach out like tonight.”

Remus smiled and pulled Virgil back down, “you said it yourself. We need sleep. So sleep, mister. We’re not going anywhere until morning.”

Virgil laughed and feebly tried to push away, “nooo not in the car! At least let's go find a bed.”

“Aww but that’s no fun… unless..”

“Sleep. It’s nearly 3 am. We are gonna find a bed, either mine or yours, and go to sleep.”

“Boo,” Remus pouted but reached to unlock the car, not trusting his ability to climb back upfront.

“Love you too, boo,” Virgil grinned and leaned down to kiss Remus properly, quickly getting lost in the contact. Remus pulled him close, willing to spend the rest of the night that way until the second to last track of the album began and his speakers started blaring a distorted version of the American anthem. They broke apart, laughing together at the awkward background music. Then they managed to kiss the whole way through Vampire Money before climbing out of the back seat and back upfront.

“Alright. Let’s go home. Maybe I can convince you to make it home better from there,” Remus grinned and started up the car again, driving off towards the apartment as the CD restarted the album from the beginning.

#dukexietyweek2021 #dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #WCISYA? story #soulmate au #soulmate timers #mcr #swearing #panicking

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suganovakawa · 4 years

Text

𝐒𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐄 .

PAIRINGS : tooru oikawa x fem! reader , platonic hajime iwaizumi x fem! reader

GENRE : angst , romance

WARNINGS : cursing , implied car accident , amnesia recovery

SYNOPSIS : tooru doesn’t understand how special you are to him until he comes close to losing you forever . as he struggles to comes to grips with his feelings and balance it with his future , you still have to recover from your own injuries , but without your memories to assist you .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 < [ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐒𝐈𝐗 ] > 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 .

your first day back at seijoh doesn’t seem so bad . . . but that boy at the window sure does pique your interest .

word count : 1.4k

saudade masterlist .

SAUDADE

( 𝐧 . ) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant , or that has been loved and then lost ; “ the love that remains ”

⠀"hajime, was i always this... popular?"

⠀unsure of how to accept a bouquet of flowers from an unknown face as you and the only friend you could confide in walked through the halls of the vast school, your mind was only left to ponder aimlessly. did you always think this school to be so big? maybe it was because you had no recollection or memories of this place, that it seemed like a never ending corn maze.

⠀"well, word travels quickly, y/n. everyone here is worried about your safety. we're all glad you're back, safe and sound." you turned to the male walking beside you, his hands loosely stuffed in his pockets. that same gaze turned to the flower bouquet held tightly in the embrace of your arms, echoes of well wishes and greetings filling your ears as you struggled to find your classes. iwa was assigned to be your personal guide until you got the gist of the seijoh halls once more, and he made sure to make it crystal clear he was your go-to guide incase you needed some assistance with anything.

⠀"i feel guilty, not being able to remember anyone..." your voice hushed into a whisper, only loud enough for hajime to decipher. "everyone i've spoken to is so nice, i wish i could at least remember everyone's names to thank each of them properly." every time anyone reached your vicinity, hajime was the one who had to inform you of their name before they approached the two of you. you had to explain of your amnesic situation, to which each of them understood... to an extent.

⠀you'd always get a mix of emotions in reaction to such horrific news, depending on the person. many shown pity, while others attempted to empathetically understand your frustrations. a select few were skeptical upon first hearing the news, but there was nothing you could be lying about. amnesia wasn't something to be joking about; at least, you found no reason to joke about it. the way it erases your mind of your precious memories with those you love and cherish is cruel in its own right. you remember how distraught your parents were when you had no recollection of their faces. you believed them to be your family, as you assumed they had no reason to lie, but that was as far as credibility went.

⠀hajime was a tremendous help through it all, too. after his first meeting with you - when you awoke from your supposed coma, he brought in a large group of boys, around the same age as the two of you. though their names were a blur, the one thing that stuck out to you was when they each thanked you for being their volleyball team manager.

⠀the aoba johsai volleyball club team. that's who they were to you. could a team really be so tightly bonded they'd even visit a mere manager? the thought of it humbled you, and your heart felt fuzzy. you were able to smile genuinely once more, bringing joy to the boys' faces. though their visit wasn't that long, you were able to remake some friends, and maybe met new ones before returning to seijoh.

⠀you snapped out of your daze as you accidentally bumped shoulders with another student, flinching at the sudden contact. hajiime reacted to your movement by looking to see who you bumped into, but it was too late for him to speak up first.

⠀"watch where you're going, will you? damn." he snapped at you as his nasty glare stared you down, his posture slouched over and grumpy. even with an appearance as unique as his - bleached buzz cut, darkened eyelids, and two brown stripes on both sides of his head - no name came to mind. his intimidating aura worked on you all too well, and your mouth clamped down nervously, since it technically was your fault you hadn't paid attention to where you were walking.

⠀"kyoutani." there was a bark, to which both you and the strange male looked towards hajime, whose glare was darker than the other's. "don't talk to her like that. it's y/n."

⠀as if it was some sort of special cue, kyoutani's snarl lightened oh so slightly, his eyebrows arching upwards as he cleared his throat before looking at you once more. "oh, y/n." his voice lowered to a mumble, "sorry about that. glad to know you're back in one piece." in astonishment towards his abnormal attitude change, you weren't able to say anything in reply as he quickly shuffled past the two of you and disappeared down the hall.

⠀"who was that, hajime?" you were freaked out about how easily iwaizumi was able to change such a grumpy attitude with just a snap and your name. were you a sensitive topic to talk about amongst the students? sure, your accident was pretty bad, but it could've been a lot worse than memory loss, right? amnesia was probably the luckier gamble of the entire situation.

⠀unless if there was something else he hadn't informed you of already?

⠀"oh, don't mind him. he was part of the volleyball club team, too. he's just more on the... lone wolf side. he doesn't interact with us that much." he only shrugged at your curiosity. "he knows of what happened, and it's nice to know he has enough manners to wish you well."

⠀there were so many questions you wanted to ask him; the problem was, you didn't know where to start. there was that standing fear of overwhelming him with too many inquiries, too. just how much did hajime iwaizumi know? what doesn't he know? he seemed to be capable of informing you of everything that you'd need to know, but even if there was anything he was hiding under the surface, you would have no notion or clue as to what it was.

⠀and while you were eternally grateful for his presence and overwhelming kindness, your curiosity of rediscovering everything continuously poked at the back of your brain. maybe when you got back on your feet, stable enough to figure out things on your own, hajime would let up and see things for yourself. for now, you were content with him being at your beck and call - whether it be for better or worse.

⠀"we're here." you filled your lungs with a sharp inhale as hajime opened the door for you, reintroducing you to your first classroom of the day. seeing your nervousness, the brunet merely smiled comfortingly, placing a hand on your shoulder before looking to the others, who were trying to hide their curiosity in seeing you standing under the doorway. "there's no one you should be afraid of, y/n. you sit next to me anyway, so you'll be fine."

⠀"thank you, hajime." there was nothing to be afraid of, he was right. why were you hesitating? there was no need for that self inflicted worry.

⠀two empty desks stood side by side as majority of your classmates rose from their own to greet you the moment you stepped in. unfortunately for you, there were too many people reaching for you all at once, so hajime was a bit behind in naming all of them for you. as much as you tried and appreciated their concerns, all you really wanted to do was just sit down and let everything sink in. today was going to be a long day.

⠀"oikawa, are you not going to say anything to y/n?"

⠀oikawa?

⠀your head turned at the name, noticing how a small bunch crowded a single desk in the back of the room, their faces less than pleasant as they glared at the lone male sitting by the window. an uneasy knot grew in your stomach as you caught glimpses of the student; you ignored hajime repeatedly calling your name, instead focusing on the boy sitting in the back of the room.

⠀why was someone so attractive sitting all the way in the back like that? alone, no less?

⠀the male ignored every advance towards him, and the students who ganged up on him had no choice but to back away, grunting in their failure as they plopped down in their own desks. you, however, still felt strange. oikawa... there was no ring to it, just as everyone else's name was in aoba johsai.

⠀but you couldn't deny it, he was the one.

⠀and such a thought was solidified the moment he turned from the window to gaze into your eyes. it was only for a second, but that stare meant something; you could feel it.

⠀oikawa...

⠀the first one to see you when you woke up.

a / n : writers block hurts so much i deeply apologize for the absence 😭 i’ll def be updating more frequently now , don’t worry !! n don’t mind me crying over this chapter , casually crying as i write this on tooru’s birthday— happy birthday sweetie

saudade taglist : @ot127 @rena0921 @karlitabi-rrito @psychicpercyjacksonfan @crescentbitch @amelimiles @damnirina @pasta-warlord @blossomingbangtan @clinomanians @i-am-kinda-in-a-lot-of-fandoms @manq-fandoms @cirtruss @sugar-wara @haikoo @anime-simp @kairostatue @awkwardspontaneity @iwantapoptartqwq @aquariarose @softestdreamer @plantisnotplant @avylee @froppysgirl @that-animebitch @wisepandaslimeland @samanthaa-leanne @dumplingzumispam @0hakaashi @captain-janeway @afterglowkuroo @bellabelieveme @attixc @chickenrest @tycrackculture @ynjimenez @lissa-writes-and-does-matchups @lavieenblancetnoir @dabilove27 @cuddlesslut @crypto-s

taglist closed !

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vanillawhiskeyflavoredkisses · 3 years

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I just have to get this off my chest after seeing some very disturbing posts about 9/11 floating around on my dash as well as some truly crude commentary. A lot probably won't agree with my sentiments but I feel like this needs to be said.

I've seen a lot of things on Tumblr in the past that maybe I consider to be in poor taste or don't agree with but I usually just scroll past, sometimes block for curating sake, but today is the first time I truly was shell-shocked. To see the memes and blasé jokes people are making about this day are just absolutely horrific and appalling.

I get that a lot of people on this site now may not remember what happened that day and only learned second hand through school or media or other people telling them. I get that a lot occurred after this that wasn't right which we definitely should be learning from. I also get that there is a lot of anti-American and anti-white sentiments going around currently, especially on this site.

But here's the thing:

Not only Americans died that day. Not only white people died that day. That's the thing about terrorists and what these hijackers did: they don't care about your skin color, your culture, your religious preference, your sexual orientation, your gender orientation, your age, your economic status, your personality, whether you support them or not, your political persuasion, your job, or any of it. Everyone is fair game to them. For crying out loud, look at what the Afghani people are currently going through and how the Taliban are treating their own country's people, women especially. If you think this is bad (which it truly is), have you seen how things went under their rule before 9/11 even happened? Do you know their terrifyingly violent and brutal history? Women had acid thrown in their faces if they didn't wear a full hijab. People were mutilated or executed if they didn't fall in line with the law of the Taliban. And this doesn't even begin to go into Al-Qaeda or Isis. But I'm not here to talk about that or delve into that topic too much.

My point in mentioning all of this is that white Americans weren't the only ones that were killed that day. People of all faiths, of all colors, of different countries, died that day, too. And the unity that is consistently discussed every 9/11 anniversary is in regards to us being aware of that fact, us mourning all of their losses together, and the collective desire to come together and help once the planes hit and after the towers collapsed.

So when people say "why am I supposed to cry over white Americans getting killed that day" think about that. Not only white Americans died that day. And regardless of their color, their nationality, their culture, their religion, etc. anyone dying is always sad. Whether it be a jetliner being used as a weapon that crashed into their floor or someone dying of cancer or someone being killed in a mudslide or someone dying in a car accident -- it is always sad. And empathy should always be shown in response, even if it doesn't impact you personally. Let's not forget these people have loved ones that got left behind, that are still here.

So when people say "if something knocks into a cow and knocks it over, I'm not expected to care, but if something knocks into a building and knocks it over, suddenly I'm supposed to care?" think about that. People aren't grieving two large pieces of steel architecture. People aren't saying "always remember those two towers". The WTC Towers were a symbol (yes, for American wealth, I get it) but became so much more of a multi-faceted powerful symbol after 9/11. The towers represent a way of life before 9/11 happened, but more importantly they represent the people lost that day, who were in the towers when they collapsed. For all of the first responders who were stuck on those floors still trying to help evacuate people to safety when the buildings finally gave. The two footprints and two blue lights aren't a symbol of American wealth or a naivete and simpler way of life pre-9/11 - they are a symbol of memorialization for that day. The Freedom Tower was erected to show that despite the loss of that day, we stood united (even if there seems to be more and more division these days). It's a message to the world that yes, destruction and death happened that day in NYC, but so did rebuilding and life carrying on. It's a symbol of strength, resilience, and unity - something that was everywhere you looked days after this event occurred. The two towers (aka NYC) may have gotten knocked down but the city got back up. They weren't kept down - that's the point of the Freedom Tower.

When people say "I don't understand, what is it that I shouldn't be forgetting since I can't remember it anyway" here is what we all should be remembering despite our age or our connection (or lack thereof) with this event:

2,997 innocent civilians died that day. Among them were 343 firefighters, 37 police officers, 23 Port Authority police officers, 8 EMS workers, and 4 other first responders. Also among them were 246 people on the four planes that crashed.

The passengers of United Flight 93 made a choice to fight back against the hijackers and saved lives that day by sacrificing their own.

Many children lost parents. Many parents lost children. Many brothers lost sisters, and many sisters lost brothers. Many spouses lost their significant others. Many lost friends, family, and loved ones.

For those who want a better connection to this day who didn't experience it and/or don't remember it, and for those others who are seriously lacking in empathy: yes, it was a highly publicized event due to the hundreds of cameras (including media outlets) watching that day, but if the horrific images aren't enough to garner some of your empathy, then there are plenty of other resources at your disposal. Documentaries like 9/11 by James Hanlon and the Naudet brothers, 102 Minutes That Changed America (which shows you not only all of the first-hand eyewitness accounts that day but also lets you hear 911 calls, radio transmissions between firefighters, and people's reactions to the event and each other who were there), 9/11 Firefighters (on Discovery Plus) and even more recently, 9/11: The Turning Point (on Netflix) which provides a 360 degree view of the events that led up to 9/11, 9/11 itself, and what came after, displaying all different viewpoints. You can read the 9/11 Commission Report or there are several books and memoirs out there like Wake-Up Call by Kristen Breitweiser, or even historical accounts in books, newspaper articles, and online. But most importantly, listen to people's stories. The ones who were there, the ones who saw it happen, the ones who ran in to help, the ones who lost loved ones. That is the most important part and the most powerful. On Hulu, ABC News ran segments of 9/11 Twenty Years Later, "Women Of Resilience" being especially powerful. It's hard not to feel a human connection to these stories or any kind of empathy.

For those who are making these jokes and memes, if you like shows like 9-1-1 and Chicago Fire, etc, imagine those first responder characters rushing into those buildings to save lives and losing theirs in the process. If you don't remember 9/11 or feel any connection or empathy, imagine hundreds of Bucks or Eddies or Bobbys or Hens or Chimneys dying that day as they worked to save so many. Sorry to be so blunt because I love those characters too, but do you get a little bit of the connection now? Do you feel any empathy? I'm not trying to equate real life heroes and sheroes with fictional characters of course, but if it helps you to understand a little better in some way, well...I'm throwing it out there.

I myself lived in the Tri-State area at the time of the attacks. I remember seeing the second plane seconds before it crashed into the second building. I remember the devastation I felt watching the first tower collapse knowing that a loved one was most likely inside and how hard I cried thinking he was dead. (thankfully, he had been late to work that day and he got out of the area before the towers came down) I remember the relief and gratefulness we all felt hearing from him to assure us that he was alive when he finally was able to get to a phone, stating he was covered in dust and ash from the buildings. I remember the panic and fear we all felt, thinking the world was ending and we were all going to die, that this was it, this was World War III, after it was confirmed that the Pentagon had also been hit and there was also a downed plane in Pennsylvania. I remember the grief another loved one suffered because she lost her entire floor (she had been out sick that day) and every single one of her co-workers. I remember the race to pick up children from school and get them home as soon as possible. I remember the rage that coursed through us seeing the footage of some people in certain countries celebrating the attacks in the streets, enjoying the deaths of so many Americans, a couple of these countries who lost citizens themselves in these attacks. I remember the camping out in front of the televisions night after night for a week straight afterwards, watching the news 24/7, worrying that there might be more attacks. I remember the feeling of sheer terror anytime a plane was heard overhead or seen appearing low enough in the sky that you could practically make out which airline it was for months afterwards. I remember seeing the lights the first time they were lit from our home. I remember feeling pure fear not only for what happened that day but also what came afterwards (not yet understanding that these weren't practitioners of Islam that did this but radical extremists who had literally hijacked the religion). I remember seeing the devastation at Ground Zero through a tear in the fabric over a fence as we walked through the city months afterwards. I remember not wanting to fly for years. I remember the anger I felt that our government had failed us due to political bs between agencies and countless others (which we found out especially when the 9/11 Commission Report came out) and that because of this horrific and absurd failure, thousands of innocent people had died. I remember seeing the crushed ladder truck, and the toy of the little girl who was on one of the planes at the 9/11 Memorial Museum and all of the pictures in that room that just floored me. (I also remember being pissed off that many were treating it as a selfie op where they were allowed to take pictures, completely missing the point of the museum's existence) But most of all, I remember feeling that life would never be the same for any of us ever again, and that the feeling of safety we had naively enjoyed on September 10, 2001 would never return.

But I also remember the compassion and unity we saw rising in the country after those attacks. I remember the gratitude for all of our first responders, those we lost that day and those who were still with us, actively working to recover those lost and to clear Ground Zero. I remember the feeling of collectiveness, that we all shared grief and showed support to one another in those days afterwards. I remember the fallen heroes and sheroes who ran into those buildings, who were off duty but raced from wherever they were that day to come and help. I remember The Man In the Red Bandana aka Welles Crowther (and many like him who worked to save others) who has become another important symbol of that day. I remember hearing all of the stories of people helping one another before and after the towers collapsed. I remember the good that this day represents. That while we may have seen some of the worst of humanity that day in the form of violence, death, weaponized airplanes, and devastation, we also saw the very best of humanity in the form of our first responders and people helping one another.

Look, did Islamophobia happen? Yes. Was it right? No, absolutely not. As I stated above, I myself feared the idea of the religion until I was educated by a friend of mine about the difference between the religion and extremism. This form of hijacking ideology can be seen in examples like the Westboro Baptist Church or even Hitler. Terrorists do not represent the true spirit of Islam no matter what the former tries to force people to believe. Just as the WBC is not the true spirit of Christianity, and so on and so forth. But even during the time I had feared the religion before gaining understanding and clarity, I never confronted or mistreated any practicing Muslim or Arab-American. Ever. I never posted hate or spewed vitriol against them. Just like with the current pandemic, I still cannot believe there are people out there attack Asian-Americans as if this whole thing is their fault. That's still mind boggling to me and it is absolutely 100% WRONG. It should not be happening. Same with Islamophobia. And it breaks my heart to read that many Arab-Americans and practicing Muslims still worry when this anniversary comes around that they may be attacked. It might not mean much, but I just want to say I am truly sorry for that and you have my full support. Always.

Did we go to war and was it just? Yes we did go to war. Was it just? Afghanistan? I need more information in order to have a fully-formed opinion but there are plenty who say yes and plenty who say no. Plenty who say we made things better over there (before we exited and the Taliban advanced) and plenty who say we didn't and only made it worse. I truly cannot say which assertion is correct and I think it would be narrow-minded and completely moronic (and possibly arrogant and presumptuous?) of me to speak on a subject I know so little about, one way or the other. Iraq? No, I don't think it was just and I honestly wish we could go back and do things differently.

But coming back to 9/11 and what this day means for so many, the people who died, the people who rushed headfirst into danger, the people who lost their loved ones. We saw incredible bravery, selflessness, and compassion for your fellow human that day despite what happened. We saw the strength within ourselves despite the fear and anger. We saw resilience. That is what the anniversary is meant to be a reminder of. The sacrifices, the loss, the courage, and the strength. Black, White, Gay, Straight, Christian, Muslim, Man, Woman, Young, Old -- it didn't matter. We all came together.

So regardless of whether it's the cool thing to do right now on this site (or elsewhere) to hate on America or 9/11 or white Americans or the anniversary itself on the very anniversary of these attacks, I ask that you please consider when posting these hurtful (and frankly harmful) words of hatred and vitriol such as referenced above that there are people out there who lost their loved ones on 9/11, that yes some of them may be on this very site and going through the 9/11 tag, and that some of them may have even lost a loved one in either war and are again on this site reading your words. Regardless of what you think or feel, please consider them and tag appropriately if you're going to post. Please consider that some of these people are currently losing their loved ones due to 9/11-related illnesses because of the cleanup at Ground Zero. Please consider that there are children who lost a parent or loved one, or who were orphaned that day (yes, they exist, we had some in our school district) who are also on this site reading your words. Basically, please just consider and be considerate. Please stop spreading hatred on a day that happened due to hatred; please stop perpetuating that cycle.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

TLDR: Love and light, my friends. Love and light. ✌️❤️

#9/11 #never forget #remember 9/11 #9/11 isnt a joke or a meme

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msmarvelwrites · 4 years

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The Winter Ghost - Part 1

Info: A devestating carcrash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn't and because of that,everything you knew was about to change.

(I'm so sorry I'm so bad at blurbs.)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes - Y/n

Warnings: PTSD, anxiety, swearing.

W/c : 1.2 k

A/N: This is my first ever fic. I'm not going to say take it easy but, 🥺

The subway rattled as it rushed through the dark underground newyork tunnels, jostling you. You reached out for the beam next to you gaining your balance again. You hated taking the subway. Usually you would hail a cab on your way to the coffee shop but this morning you were running late.

All night you were kept awake with the same nightmare. The same nightmare that haunted you for almost a year now. As the lights flickered through the subway and you closed your eyes, you saw his face. The face you saw every night when you tried, desperately to sleep.

A tall man standing on the edge of a bridge. You began to approach him but he paid no mind, his back to you. Heart begins to race, and tears stung your eyes. "NO! Please, stop! Please don't! STOP!!" You would scream so violently you felt your throat begin to burn. That's when he turned to face you. Your breath caught in your throat as you finally saw him.

A few dark strands of hair fell from his messy bun. He had harsh features, like he was made from clay and the artist left without softening the edges. His eyes were dark and hallow. They seemed sad, broken maybe. As he turned back around you let out one more heart shattering scream as a loud gunshot rung through your ears, causing you to double over. Heaving as tears burned your face. And then you woke up...

Your eyes sprang open and you gasped for air. A few passengers next to you shot you dirty looks as your tried to calm yourself. A blaring headache throbbed in your temples, as tears threatened your eyes. I am calm. I am okay. Just breathe. You repeat the mantra a doctor once told you to use. Slowly your breathing steadied, but the headache remaind. That was always a fun side effect when you thought about the nightmare.

As the robotic subway woman announced your stop you rubbed your temples stepping out of the doors. You were so preoccupied trying to bring relief to your brain that you didn't notice the two hooded figures that quickly followed you through the tunnels and out into the city.

Your coffee shop was only about a block away now. The streets of New York were flooded with people with scowls staring at their phones, pushing through the crowds. You had only been living in New York for two years now and still found it alittle overwhelming. You moved into the city after the the accident. Trying, and failing not to think about that horrific night you began to feel the blood pounding in your ears. No. I am calm. I am okay. Just breathe. You repeated taking a deep, slow breath and yanking the old door to the coffee shop open. The rusty bells that hung on the frame made a pathetic squeaking/chime noise as you entered.

"Good morning Jannie!" A loud, high-pitched voice called to you which you recognised as Emily, you're overly eager coworker.

"Morning." You faked a smile as you walked into the back room. Surly Emily was going to talk your ear off again today like she did every day. She was one of those people that went out every night and giggled and said the work 'like' between every other word. You tried to remember a time when you were as outgoing but nothing came to mind. It wasn't that Emily was a bad person, she just didn't seam to notice you barley said, 'like' 6 words to her and she never really stopped spuwing them. But strangely, you found her babbling helped keep your mind distracted. Even if you were never really listening.

"So, ohmigid! Janie, the craziest thing happened to me yesterday! Like, I mean insane. Okay so like, I was walking to the the club, you know the one..." Emily began to chime as she poured a woman's foam over her latte. You tried to listen, but slowly your mind wandered off. The lights flickered in the coffee shop. You held your breath, feeling your mind begin to spiral again. I am calm... I am okay... Just-

You opened your eyes and you were in a small damp cement room. The bright florescent lights slizzled down causing you to squint. They buzzed loudly causing your horrible headache to pound harder. Your mouth was dry and tasted like metallic. You were dizzy and your vision was distorted. Your brain finally caught up with your surroundings, realising you were secured to what felt like a hospital bed. Panic began to set in. This was different. You'd never seen this room before in your nightmares. "Welcome back, moy rebenok." The cool words brushed against the back of your neck causing you to shiver.

"Janie? Jane!? Hey, can you hear me? Ohmigod, like, are you okay?" Emily's panicked words shook you back to the dirty coffee shop floor you were now on. You didn't know how long you had been on the floor, curled into the a fetal position, arms wrapped around your legs. You looked up at her, still in a bit of a daze.

"Janie, ohmigod, what the hell is going on? Do you like, need me to call someone for you?" She crouched down beside you, placing a comforting had on your shoulder. Her touch was searing hot and make you flinch away.

"I'm fine. Thank you, Emily. Sorry I- I don't know what happened." You spoke so quiet you didn't know if Emily actually heard. She only nodded reassuringly. Slowly you rose to your feet, realising everyone in the coffee shop was peering over the counter with annoyance. Your eyes fell on a tall man and his redheaded girlfriend standing in the corner intensely staring at you. You felt nauseous as the reality of your current situation settles in. Thankfully, Emily was there. Now there was something you never thought you'd say.

"Alright, shows over! You'll get your coffee. Just form a line." She yelled, her jersey accent drawled whenever she raised her voice. She paused and looked at you, now brushing dust off your pants. "Why don't you take a 15 in the back, girl. Drink some water maybe?" You smiled weakly and did as she said. Before you headed to the back room you took one last look over your shoulder. The couple from the corner were still there, but the woman was now saying something to the man who only nodded as his eyes burned holes into your scull. Quicky you spun on your heals and headed to the back room, eager to get the hell out of eye site and calm yourself for the long shift you had ahead of you.

You didn't know what had just happened, only that it never had before. Not like that. The doctors said, after the car crash that you could experience some PTSD but this... The cement room. The strange voice. The way you could still feel your body aching. You'd never experienced that. His words sent a shiver down your spine and echoed through your mind. moy rebenok.

..............

Thank you for reading! Any and all feedback is appreciated 😍 stay tuned for the next chapter!

#bucky barns imagine #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes #marvel smut #marvel fanfiction #marvel #avengers #avengers fic #steve x reader #steve rodgers x reader #steve rodgers imagine #steve rogers

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tomtenadia · 4 years

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Island Dreams - Chapter 29

DreamsSo, chapter 29 is here and I am sorry. This chapter has angst. The angst gremlin was in a good mood and this chapter happened. I am sorry. So, so sorry. It does end with fluff but it takes a while.Also, there is a bit of a medical situation. I hope i got it right. I am not a med student. I just used years watching medical dramas and research on google to be accurate, but if i wrote some medical blunders I apologise. It's a fanfic :)Just have some chocolate ready :)

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It was a few days after Aelin and Rowan had come back from their small holiday in Glasgow. As planned they had taken a few more days to go back to the islands and they had a small and relaxing holiday on Skye. Aelin had been exhausted after their trip to the A&E so Rowan had decided to err of the side of caution and they had spent most of their time in the cottage or on a beach with a couple of drives through the countryside. Not what Aelin had dreamed but Rowan had been adamant that they were going to stay in the car. Even with the limitations, they still had a fantastic time but eventually they both had to go back to work. Rowan had begged Aelin to ask to start maternity leave a bit earlier on the basis of a at risk pregnancy, but she did not listen, so that morning she had left for work after he had made his displeasure quite clear and their fight had been quite epic. They had parted with no nice words and just ignored each other.

A really heavy rain with strong winds had been lashing the islands since the early morning. Rowan was checking the forecast website and the meteorologists had classed it as storm and once again it was going to be bad. He was in the shop and started pacing, while staring at the raging winds outside. Aelin was driving to work in those conditions and he was nervous. He should have offered to drive her, but he had been mad after the fight they had in the morning and now he regretted it. She was not used to drive in such conditions and although she didn’t have much to drive, he was still anxious. The short drive from their place to work had been horrific, even for someone with experience like him. The roads were flooded in most places and the very strong winds had made driving very hard. Anxiety rising he quickly phoned the A&E reception and asked if she was there already but the nurse told him she wasn’t. He didn’t want to phone her because that might distract her from driving and put her and the girls in danger. Lysandra was walking around the shop and sorting out a few things while he fidgeted nervously at the desk. “You seem nervous.” Rowan sighed “Aelin is on her way to work in this storm.” He took a sip of his coffee “I should have driven her. I called the hospital and she is not there yet. She should be. It has been fifty minutes already. It takes half an hour tops from our house on a bad day.” “Maybe she is just driving slowly because of the weather.” Said the woman trying to calm him down. Rowan closed his eyes and tried to slow down his heart that was racing in his chest. He was freaking out. He took a deep breath and went back to work. While he was working away on the computer, his eyes kept drifting to his mobile phone near the keyboard. He had asked her to text him when she had arrived. And the more the time passed without news the more nervous he became.

It was much later when his phone went off but not how he expected. An unknown number was calling him. He ignored it. When the number tried again after just one minute he picked up, maybe it was Aelin from the hospital. “Hello?” “Rowan?” He knew that voice. It was Malcolm. The panic rose. Why was he calling him? “Hi Malcolm? Is Aelin at work? She left a while ago and she hasn’t texted me.” “Rowan, something happened.” Rowan all of a sudden felt sick “I need you to come to the hospital immediately.” Rowan forgot how to breath. How to think or function. “Rowan?” “I… I am coming.” He breathed “Is she….” He could not add anything. Could not make himself think of the worst. “Not on the phone.” Rowan hung up. “That was Malcolm. I need to go.” That’s all he said to Lysandra. The woman had tried to ask for more info but Rowan had disappeared already. She knew Malcolm was Aelin’s second at the hospital and if he had phoned it meant something had happened. Everything was a blur. He was moving on muscle memory. He had no idea of what he was doing. He got in the car and drove to the hospital as if his life depended on that trip. He was at the hospital not long after and ran into the A&E and Malcolm was there to meet him. “Rowan, wait.” Said Malcolm grabbing the man’s arm. “Where is she? What happened?” Rowan’s voice was full of panic. His eyes scanned the beds for her but he could not see Aelin. Was he too late? His heart was racing and the feeling of sickness came back. She could not… “Come with me.” Said Malcolm calmly and with a touch of tenderness. “Mal, where is she?” He was on the verge of tears and almost shouted at the man. He wanted news. Malcolm stopped “She had an accident, Rowan. A bad one. A passerby called the ambulance when he saw her car…” and he trailed off. The man did not need the details “She was brought in urgently. She is in surgery now.” Rowan had to force himself to remember how to breathe again. He tried to say something but his brain was paralysed. “I don’t know anything. She came into the A&E, we stabilised her and went straight to surgery and I don’t have anymore news. She was alive though when she came in. We didn’t have time to check for the twins but Yrene was called immediately.” Rowan felt tears come out of him, his hand went to his mouth as if to stop the heavy sob ready to burst. “Sit down. I’ll come back as soon as I have an update.” Malcolm patted his shoulder and left him. Rowan sat down in the waiting room and stared at the window as his mind replayed every single word Malcolm had said. She was alive. What about the twins? Did they survive the crash? She is alive. He kept telling himself as a mantra. Forcing himself to believe it. Malcolm came back an hour later and sat down beside him. “I have an update.” Rowan nodded as in a daze and barely noticed the man sitting at his side. “She is still in surgery. She had internal injuries and they are working on stopping the bleeding and keeping the twins alive at the same time.” He paused and Rowan knew there was more “She has a head injury and they are checking the extent of the head damage as well. She is good hands, Rowan. They will be fine.” Rowan stood and left and went outside and stood under the sheltered area of the drop off section and stared at the rain in a futile attempt to empty his brain and dull the extreme pain ensnaring his heart. They had a fight. The last conversation they had was a stupid fight. He did not kiss her. Did not tell her he loved her like every morning before she left for work. Too mad and too proud to even try and fix things and apologise for the horrible things he had said. They both had said. It was the very first vicious fight they ever had. And now she was in surgery. Now she was fighting for her life and he could well risk losing her. If anything happened to her he would always remember the nasty things they had said to each other. He felt bile rise in his stomach. That could not be. He needed to apologise to her, tell her he loved her. He sat on the bench for a moment but then got up again, his body incapable of staying still. He felt like he was drowning in his grief. He started pacing and did not stop until his body started to protest and exhausted he sat again on the bench. He leaned forward and the pendant around his neck slipped off his t-shirt and the grief came rushing back. She had bought that for him. While on Skye they had found a shop that sold Celtic jewellery and she had bought him a necklace with a pendant of the Tree of Life. He had told her he did not wear necklaces but she, with her usual stubbornness, had convinced him and he had caved. Because he could not say no to her. Now he gripped the pendant in his hand as if to keep the connection with her “Don’t leave me…” he whispered as tears began flowing again “I can’t. There is no way without you.” Much later Malcolm found him again and Rowan felt fear grip him. He looked at Malcolm and he noticed a faint smile in the man’s face. He had just realised that Malcolm was just as worried as him. He and Aelin had become great friends and the man cared a lot about her. The man took his hand gripping it hard “She is out of surgery.” Rowan let out a breath he did not know he was holding. Out of surgery was at least a positive. “She suffered what we call a pneumothorax, one of her lungs collapsed from the crash. I fixed it when she came into the A&E. She was intubated on the scene. Paramedics said she was still conscious for a while but she was struggling breathing. Then she passed out, probably from the concussion.There was internal bleeding in her abdomen but the surgeon treated that and the twins are safe. Yrene was in the OR as well.” Malcolm explained while Rowan sat beside him, head hung low “The head injury was far less serious than thought. The concussion is still quite bad but the neurologist cleared her but they need to keep her under observation for all the reasons I mentioned.” Rowan heard Malcolm chuckle “At least being strong headed has its perks.” Rowan squeezed the hand back. “She is in the ICU and currently still intubated and unconscious. She is not out of the woods yet and that’s why she will stay in intensive care for a few days probably. Her being pregnant means we need to tackle things differently to avoid causing harm to the twins.” Malcolm explained and felt Rowan hand shake in his “when they brought her in…” he looked away “I felt as if someone had just kicked me in the guts.” Rowan noticed his voice shaking as well “I do this every day, but when they bring in someone you know, it gets impossible to think straight. All my years of medical and military training went down the drain for an instant. I could not move or act.” “Thank you.” Rowan’s words were a whisper. “I know how it feels…” the man said “To be on the other side. To wait for news…I lost my partner and I didn’t even get to see him because we were continents apart. I know the heart shattering pain behind the call. I took me a while to get the courage to call you. And Aelin…” Malcolm’s voice was on the verge of breaking “she is my best friend. I spent the last three hours camped in front of the door to the OR. It’s a miracle they haven’t kicked me out.” “Thank you.” Rowan had no strength for anything else. “We can go and see her if you want.” The man said standing up. Rowan did not move “we had a fight this morning.” He confessed with a weak voice “a really, really bad one. She was not at her greatest and I told her it was time for her to ask for maternity leave and screw the hospital. She did not like it. We fought. We told each other things we did not mean. She left the house so mad at me. I did not kiss her or told her I loved her.” He looked up at Malcolm “and all I have been thinking is that if I loose her I could not live with the regret that those had been our last words. And it’s killing me.” Malcolm sat back down beside him. “She knows you love her.” Mal placed a hand on Rowan’s knee “and I have been telling her to go on maternity leave for a while and I believe Yrene has been doing the same. I have tried taking over her on difficult cases and stopped her from doing surgery. But she is stubborn and you know it. And I had fights too. You are not the only one. She told she did not become a doctor to sit behind a desk. But I have been keeping an eye on her and probably the entire staff. She hasn’t been well.” Rowan sighed “we had a trip to the A&E in Glasgow.” He admitted. “By the time she recovers from this it will be time for her to deliver the twins.” Malcolm stood again “let’s go.” Rowan froze. He wasn’t sure if he was ready. Then he sighed and stood and dried his eyes with the back of his hand “Let’s go and annoy her for making us worry.” Malcolm laughed and for a moment Rowan relaxed as well until he stopped in front of the closed door of her room in the ICU ward. He put a hand on the handle and froze. He was now alone. Malcolm had to go back to his job but had promised to go and visit. Rowan was terrified of what was on the other side of the door. “Are you okay?” Asked a nurse at his side when she noticed him immobile in front of the door. “Yeah. I am just…” he noticed his hand shake. He was about to add something when a familiar voice called his name, he turned and noticed Yrene walking toward him. “Malcolm told me he phoned you.” She stopped in front of him. “How….? “I was in the OR. I checked on her. We thought for a moment we had to deliver the twins but we managed to avoid it. Still too early. But they are fine now. She is fine. She is strong.” Rowan hugged the woman “Thank you.” It seemed as if that we the only sentence he could utter. “I assume you are here to see her.” He nodded. “I can come in with you if it helps.” Rowan stared at the door “Please.” He wasn’t sure he could make it in the room on his own. Yrene opened the door and he paused before following. And when he saw her he froze on the spot and almost felt sick. She looked so small in the hospital bed. Her colour was off and her blonde hair looked dull. Heavy bandage covered one side of her head. A tube attached to a machine made sure she breathed properly a small one, a feeding tube probably, sneaked out of her nose, cables connected the pads monitoring her heart beat and plastic tubes connected the needles on her hand to the IV bag at her side. The he noticed the cuts and bruises on her arms and on her face. “Paramedics said she is alive because she was wearing a seat belt. The firefighters had to pry the car door open to extract her.” explained Yrene. Rowan heard the woman speak at his side. “It looks like she lost control of the car due to the heavy rain.” Malcolm had omitted those details and looking at her he realised how close he had been to loose the three of them. He could not breathe. He left the room and leaned against the wall trying to stop a panic attack from striking. “Rowan…” said Yrene placing a hand on his arm “I am sorry I didn’t mean…” Rowan slid down until he was crouching and he let the tears and the sobs go. “I almost…” he sobbed “I almost lost the three of them.” He finally allowed himself to fully shed the tears he had stopped before. “She is my everything.” He looked up at Yrene “the three of them. I…” his voice broke and he kept on sobbing while the doctor was kneeling in front of him. He started hyperventilating and Yrene placed a hand on his shoulder “Rowan. Look at me. You are having a panic attack.” She took both of his hands “Breath in and out. Do it with me.” And together they did it and after a while Rowan felt like himself again and started breathing normally once more. With the back of his hand he brushed away the tears and took one final deep breath. “I am sorry…” “For what? For crying? There is nothing wrong with it.” He nodded and stood. “Thank you.” He gave her another hug and eventually he got back in the room. He grabbed the chair and sat down beside Aelin and grabbed her bandaged hand into his. He sat in silence, listening to the storm raging outside and the steady beeping of the machines. Below it, there was another one giving a stranger sound and he assumed that was the babies heartbeat. He placed his free hand on the bump “Hi you three…” and kissed the bump and he felt a kick. That was a good sign “I have been so scared. I almost lost you all and the idea almost broke me.” He lifted her hand to his mouth “thank you for listening to me. I know that the seat belt while pregnant makes you uncomfortable but thank you for listening to this paranoid old man.” Tears were flowing again and he started singing Every River to her “there is no way without you…” he whispered again once he was finished. “I am sorry for this morning.” He kissed her hand again letting his tears streak along his cheeks “I am so sorry. I just wanted you to slow down and look after yourself. I don’t want to control your life.” He leaned his head against the bed and his shoulders shook with the sobs “I love you. I love you. You are my everything and I promise I will be a better man. I promise I will be worthy of you.” He squeezed her hand “Just don’t leave me, please.” He remained in that position for a time that felt like an eternity, talking to her and begging her forgiveness for his bad temper until he heard a knock and Lysandra appeared on the door. He lifted his head, eyes still puffy. He looked at Lysandra and realised her face probably matched his. Once he had an update on Aelin he had phoned Lys to explain what happened. He had left the shop like a madman. “Hey,” “Hi.” He managed, his voice still gruff. Lysandra waited on the doorstep but with his head he gestured to her to come in. “I will not stay long. I am not allowed in technically. I am not family.” “She would want you here.” His voice was flat and devoid of all emotions. “How is she? They?” Then as an instinct she went to the bottom of the bed and grabbed her chart. Far better than let Rowan retell her everything. The man looked like a wreck. “Looks like they have done a good job,” and placed the chart back. Lysandra moved a step closer to him and placed a hand on his shoulder squeezing. They both stood there in silence until Lysandra spoke “I really need to go.” She added “I closed the shop as usual. You don’t worry about it for the next few days. I’ll look after it. You need to stay with her, okay?” Lysandra’s words were said through sobs. Rowan stood and hugged her. “Look after her, please.” “Always.” He replied, brushing her tears away. Lysandra left and Rowan went back to his seat. He wished he had comforted the woman a bit more but he could barely think. So he relaxed and hoped Lysandra would understand. A doctor came in a few times and he gave him an update telling him that they were planning to keep her in the ICU for a few more days. He explained that she was not out of the woods just yet. As good news he told him that they were planning to remove the ventilator the following morning. Her oxygen levels had improved significantly and it was safe to let her breathe on her own. Rowan allowed himself to sigh relieved.

He had spent the entire night on the chair and when Rowan woke up the following morning by the noise of the nurses going about their job he felt stiff and sore. “I am sorry,” he apologised to one of the nurses “I fell asleep last night.” He turned to Aelin and noticed the tube was gone and looked at the woman. “The doctor removed it this morning. She is breathing with no problems and her oxygen levels are stable and good and there is no risk for the babies either. Their heartbeat is quite strong. Dr. McIver was in as well and he gave her a check up.” Then the nurse went to check her IV “her edema is improving as well. The doctor declared that her neurological responses are all normal. They are keeping her sedated a little longer to allow the body to rest.” Rowan almost hugged the nurse “They will be fine. She might have to stay in the hospital a little bit but they are okay.” She said affectionately “I will come back later. If you need anything I am here.” “Is it okay if I bring her own clothes? She must be uncomfortable with the hospital gown.” “Let me know when you are back and I will help you change her. She has tubes and all sorts of things attached to her.” Rowan nodded and the nurse left him. He leaned forward and kissed Aelin on the cheek “I am coming back soon. I am going to get you a few of my t-shirts and your nice comfy trousers.” Another kiss “I love you.”

When he came back two hours later he noticed Malcolm on the chair he had previously occupied. “Hi Mal.” The man stood in a swift motion “The doctor gave me an update, looks like she will be okay after all.” Rowan nodded “they removed the respirator.” “That is always a good sign.” Explained Malcolm “I sneaked a look at her chart and the test are all good and her neurological functions are perfect which was my fear. The head injury looked far more serious than what it turned out to be.” Rowan dropped the bag on the floor “Yeah, that’s what the doctor said.” “Have you eaten? Have you slept here all night?” Rowan nodded “On the chair and yes I had a quick bite at home.” “I can get you coffee, food, let me know okay?” “Mal,” Rowan asked quietly “Why is her head bandaged that way if the injury wasn’t serious?” “Rowan, every single head injury can be problematic. All I saw when she came in was her head covered in blood and a deep and long gash. That’s why I feared. But it looks like it was not deep enough to damage the skull and the swelling was minimal. It’s for protection. She will have stitches.” “Thanks.” He sighed “I keep fearing the worst. And all the bandages make it look terrifying.” “Do you trust me?” Rowan nodded. “I know that between the tubes, cables and machinery it might seem bad, but that’s the scary side of ICU. They want her here another day because before moving her, they want to be extra sure everything is okay.” “Thanks.” Then Malcolm chuckled “I am waiting for her to wake up and starting giving orders to nurses and doctors.” Rowan let out a gentle chuckle. The sound still felt alien. Malcolm pager went off “Aaaand I have to go.” He gave Aelin a kiss on the cheek and left. Rowan went to call the nurse and with her help they got Aelin into more comfortable clothes. “Thank you for the help.” Once the nurse was away he sat back down and grabbed a book “I brought our favourite book. I know angst is not what you want just now but I might read some of your favourite parts.” And gently he deposited a kiss on her head. Rowan kept reading all the way through the afternoon and once he was finished he placed the book on the nightstand and grabbed her hand in his “do you remember when I was the one who got in an accident and you had to pretend you were my wife?” He chuckled “it felt really nice to be your fake husband for a few hours.” He brushed her cheeks with the back of his hand, then his hand moved down to the bump and lowered the blankets enough to expose a bit of her belly and deposit a kiss on it. “Hi girls. I hope you are okay and keeping mum some company. She really needs you right now.” A small kick against his hand “I know, I am scared too,” another kick and Rowan finally found again the strength to let a small laugh go “I know, I love you too.”

It was two days later when Rowan was told by the doctor that they were happy to finally move her out of the ICU. They had explained that she had been stable enough that she did not need the ICU anymore. Yrene had further explained that they were going to move her in a room in the maternity ward. The pregnancy was the only thing that needed to be kept under control and Yrene wanted to have her under constant observation. “We are also removing the sedation. Which means she will slowly wake up. She will be groggy and with a monumental headache, but I expect her to wake up within a couple of hours.” “Are the girls okay?” Yrene leaned against the edge of the bed “She hit one side of her belly. It did not damage the uterus or the placenta but a trauma like this can cause what we call placental abruption, which means that the placenta detaches partially or completely from the uterine wall. A severe case can lead to death. I am checking her quite regularly to make sure nothing develops.” She explained to him “But when she gets discharged I want her on bed rest. She is not going back to work, she will only be allowed to get out to bed to pee. And I am not joking.” “I have been telling her to ask for early maternity leave for a while and I think Malcolm had been pestering her as well.” “Glad to know we are on the same side on this.” Yrene left and he sat on the bed beside her, one hand in hers and the free one on the bump “Did you hear Yrene? We are putting you under house arrest. But don’t worry, I’ll bring you books, I’ll cook and do anything you need. We’ll make a nice cocoon of the bed and have Netflix ready for you to binge watch when you are too tire to read.” He kissed her head “you scared the hell out of me, Fireheart. I thought I was going to lose you and the girls and and I almost went mad with grief.” He realised he had fallen asleep only much later when he felt a gentle pressure on the hand that was still holding Aelin’s. His heart raced all of a sudden. “Aelin, move your finger again if you hear me.” The movement this time was a bit more pronounced and he saw the finger bend against his hand. “Fireheart…” he called her. Slowly he saw her eyes flutter open. Her beautiful blue eyes staring at him. “Aelin…” he repeated with a broken voice. She looked at him and gave him a very faint and weak smile. She tried to speak but Rowan stopped her. “You were intubated. Your throat must be on fire.” He grabbed a glass of water “drink a little.” He brought the glass to her mouth and she drank. “What…” “You had an accident. You had surgery and had been out for three days. You also injured you head with a bad concussion.” He caressed her head “you got stitches and the doctor said you might experience headaches. You were in the ICU for three days but now they moved you to the maternity ward.” At those words Aelin’s eyes filled with terror. “The twins are fine. Yrene feared they might have to deliver early but in the end there was no need. But she is keeping you under observation for a pathology connected to the placenta. I don’t remember the term she used. “Placental…” she croaked “abruption.” Rowan nodded and took her hand when he saw terror in her blue eyes “You are fine for now. Yrene is just being very careful.” And at those words Aelin relaxed a bit. “You freaked out Malcolm.” Confessed Rowan trying to lighten the mood. “No way.” “You did. Big time. That’s how bad it was.” Rowan sat beside her on his chair and again took her hand “Lys was here very briefly. I am keeping her in the loop and she has been keeping the shop open.” Aelin gave him a tight smile. He then leaned forward and kissed her gently on her lips “Rest now, please. I will be here. I am not going anywhere.”

It was the middle of the night and Aelin woke up all of a sudden screaming “Rowan!” she shouted. He was awake in a second and noticed her distress. He turned on the light “What happened? Are you okay?”He then noticed Aelin was shaking visibly. In an instant he was sitting on the bed at her side and he pulled her up to him. Aelin kept shaking and started crying. “Let me out.” She started sobbing against his chest and Rowan’s heart broke. “Aelin, you are safe. It’s me. You are safe the girls are safe.” She shook her head and the shaking got worse and her breathing became laboured. “Let me out,” she screamed again, the panic thick in her voice. Yrene was in the room in an instant “I heard her scream.” Then she folded forward holding her bump. Rowan moved away and let Yrene work. “Aelin, I need you to try and breathe slowly for me.” She took a belt like device that was abandoned on her nightstand and tied it around Aelin’s waist. The monitor returned the heartbeat of the babies and it was not good. “Aelin, I need you to relax. It’s not good for the twins.” Rowan took a step forward and went to Aelin’s side. He pulled her head to his chest and held her close and started singing Every River to her and slowly she calmed down, her breathing returning to normal. For the babies it took a bit longer but once they were in the clear Yrene left them again. “I am sorry.” She blurted, her hands still shaking a bit. “No, mo chridhe, don’t apologise.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it. He had a feeling he would wake up with nightmares too for a while.

In the morning, while Aelin slept, Rowan had gone home, took a shower and grabbed a few more clothes for her and when he got back he found her in company of Malcolm. The two were laughing and the sound warmed his heart. “You should be resting,” was what he said as he entered the room. The bandages on her arms, the cuts and the bruises on her face and body made her look worse for wear. “He’s right,” said Malcolm standing “And I have to go back to work.” He kissed Aelin on the cheek and disappeared through the door. Aelin wanted to protest but she realised she had no energy. “I brought you clean clothes,” he put the bag on the floor and took out a clean t-shirt. Aelin smiled at him and he helped her remove the t-shirt she had on and replaced with a clean one. “It smells like you.” “Good,” he added kissing her forehead “How are you feeling?” “Tired, my head hurts and my so does my body and the food sucks.” She commented “As I doctor I never bothered but now that I am a patient I can see that food really is bad.” “Do you want me to get you something?” He sat on the bed beside her. “Yes please. A slice of chocolate cake from your aunt would be amazing to cheer me up.” Then she patted her bump “the girls want it.” “Using our daughters to satisfy your sugar needs is not very motherly.” “Rowan Whitethorn, I’ll sell you to the highest bidder for a chocolate cake.” “I love you,” he told her while pressing a gentle kiss on her lips.

When he got back to the room he found her talking to their daughters. “I bring chocolate.” “Come here you.” She extended her arms greedily. “I am starting to think you love chocolate cake more than me.” He joked. It felt good to to it again after the horror that his life has been in the past few days. “Of course, Buzzard. You have an aunt who provides amazing chocolate delicacies. Do you really think I fell for you for your charming personality?” He scoffed and left the room with the bag carrying the cake still in his hands. “Rowan.” She shouted “I am recovering, don’t you have a bit of compassion for a poor lady stuck in bed?” He popped his head in the room “Lady? I don’t see any lady in here.” And he disappeared again and Aelin groaned in frustration. As soon as she could she would get her revenge. Rowan came back a moment later and sat down on the chair in front of her bed. Showed her a fork and opened the cake container and with provocation took a bite of the cake and that was it for him “How can you eat something so sweet?” He said while flinching in disgust. Aelin’s stare was murderous. “Fine, you can have it.” He passed her the cake “You are going to be sick.” “I am not a newbie.” She started eating and felt her mood improve immediately. “Did Yrene spoke to you?” Aelin pretended not to hear him. “Aelin?” He tried to take the cake away from her but she protested. “Did you talk to Yrene?” “Do you want to know if she told me I am on bed rest until the twins arrive? Yes, she did. And Malcolm piled on as well.” “Good.” “And can I hope you will listen to them?” “I have to. Yrene is really preoccupied about placental abruption. She says that in the spot near where the bump took the hit there are warning signs appearing. She also talked about a scheduled delivery at 36 weeks. If no issues arise.” He saw fear in her eyes. Hopefully she would finally slow down “there is so much going on though. The house move is in two weeks and I won’t be able to help or do anything.” He sat on the bed “we have a lot already packed and Aedion and Lysandra have offered to help. You just heal and get better and look after Freyja and Morrigan and leave the house move to me, please.” He caressed her face “You should sleep a bit more, you don’t look well.” Aelin nodded and lay down in bed and Rowan took his seat back on the chair. “Will you stay here with me?” He gave her a kiss “Of course.” “I am sorry….” He lowered his head. “Why?” He could not look at her “The other morning, what I said. I was just so angry.” Aelin leaned forward and ran a hand through his silvery hair “Ro, I said horrible things too. We are both at fault. We both have bad tempers and no filters. And I regret very single word I said.” She leaned back against the pillow. She was exhausted but they needed closure on that fight “You were just trying to look after me. And you were right. I was not well I should have stayed at home. But I am stubborn and well… we know how it ended.” He finally looked at her and he felt his eyes get wet again “I thought…” a deep breath “While you were still in surgery I kept thinking that the last words I told you were out of a fight. I let you go without telling you I love you or a kiss. I almost went crazy with grief.” He took another deep breath “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He repeated almost to make up for all the times he did not have time to say it. “I want to be worthy of you. Of our daughters.” He confessed lowering his head in apology. “Rowan, mo chridhe, you are worthy.” Her fingers ran under his chin and lifted his head to look at her “You are my wonderful man.” Aelin extended her arms “Come here.” Rowan stood and sat beside her in bed and buried himself in her embrace and with his head in the crook of her neck he breathed in her scent “I know you don’t want to control my life.” Her hand brushed his back “I can’t believe that for a moment I compared you to Chaol.” She kissed her head and his arms tightened around her and as he leaned closer he felt a kick against his abdomen and a chuckle left him. “Our daughters are trying to put their two pence worth.” Aelin smiled against his head and continued “Ro, I know a relationship where a fight ends up in a contest to see who can be more hurtful and neither actually regrets the words. That is not us.” She brushed his long hair “we bicker and sometimes we fight as well, but never with the intent of hurting the other. And if I am nasty to you I regret it immediately and I know you do too.” Rowan looked up at her and kissed her deeply and Aelin leaned in into the kiss and when they pulled apart they were both breathless. “Plus, I need to keep being in your good books. You bring me cake.” Aelin laughed and Rowan kissed her again “I am happy to bring you cake forever.” “We should put it in the wedding vows.” He brushed her cheek with the back of his hand “We will, but for now rest.” Aelin nodded and ten minutes later she was fast asleep.

It was ten days later when Yrene decided to finally discharge Aelin and Rowan was in full fuss mode. “I got all the papers. We are ready to go.” He said as he brought the wheelchair in the room. He helped Aelin to get in it and then grabbed her bags with the clothes. Aelin said goodbye to the nurses and they finally left the hospital. The fresh June air hit her and after almost two weeks inside a hospital bedroom she welcomed the smell of summer. When they got to the car he noticed Aelin tensed. “Will you be okay?” “Is not that I have any other options. Plus, you are a good driver. I will be fine.” He helped her in the car and Aelin closed her eyes and pretended she was somewhere else. They were half way home when Aelin shouted at Rowan “Stop the car.” Slowly he found a safe spot to pull over and turned to her. In her face he saw utter panic. “Ae, I am going as slowly as legally possible, but we have to get home.” “I know,” she breathed, as the tried to stop herself from being sick “Give me five minutes.” He lowered the windows and let the fresh air fill the car. Then he got out of the car and went to her side and opened the door. He took her hand and pulled her out of the seat and in front of the car and off the road. He hugged, letting her lean completely on him. “What are you doing?” “Distracting you.” He kissed her. She snuggled against his chest and inhaled his pine scent “it’s working.” “Good.” “Kiss me again.” And he did that and felt Aelin relax in his arms “I think we can go home now.” Rowan nodded and helped her go back to her seat. Once inside Aelin started playing with the mp3 player “I think we need a good soundtrack for the last part of the journey,” and she blasted Peat and Diesel “and that’s the way we do it in the Western Isles.” She started singing. Rowan laughed and sang with her. Music had helped her not think about her fear and they made it back home without any further episodes. Once they got in the house Aelin was not prepared for the amount of boxes lying around. “You have been busy I see. When did you do this?” “While I was at home.” “So instead of relaxing you came home and packed?” Rowan nodded. “The bookcases looks sad without books.” “I know, but they are all packed now. That was the worst part. I donated a lot to a charity shop.” She glared at him. “Just my books. I haven’t touched yours. I actually had books that I did not care keeping and it helped. Just a little.” “Once we are in the new house I’ll do the same. I am positive that there are books I don’t want to keep.” Then she stood from the sofa where she had collapsed seated. “I need a shower. A real shower. I feel gross.” “Go,” he said “Are you hungry?” Aelin nodded eagerly. “Good, I’ll make lunch.” She turned to him and kissed his lips “you are the man of my dreams.” Rowan laughed and walked away to the kitchen. When she got to the kitchen half an hour later she noticed Rowan all busy cooking. “Nice shower?” “You have no idea.” She tried to take a seat at the high chairs at the kitchen aisle but failed. “Go to the living room and sit on the sofa, we are eating there.” “Thank you. I hate these things. Why can’t you have normal chair like everyone?” He kissed her “Because I have a kitchen island and a normal chair will not do. When I went for a fancy kitchen I had not taken into account that one day I’d have a pregnant woman in the house.” “Fine.” Aelin waddled all the way back to the living room and plopped exhausted on the sofa “You will need a forklift to remove me from here.” The sound of Rowan’s laugh echoed through the house. Not long after he arrived and placed the plates on the coffee table and passed one to Aelin. She placed it on her belly and smiled at him “my bump is the perfect tray.” Rowan scoffed and went back to his lunch “I was thinking something…” “That’s dangerous.” “Hear me out.” “Go on.” Said Aelin taking another bite of the amazing stir fry he had made. “I was thinking that once we are in the new house we could invite your mother to stay with us for a while.” He stopped with a finger as soon as he noticed she was poised to fight him “I need to be at the bookstore. But I don’t like the idea of leaving you at home alone. I can take the odd day off but there is a lot I have to do and I can’t dump everything on Lys. If you mother is here she could help. And when the twins come… she could help us a bit more. I have read all those books on parenting, but reading and doing it’s not the same and I don’t want to mess up, So…” “I think it’s a great idea.” Aelin admitted looking at him “Mum has already offered to help and she’d be happy to come here.” “You are not mad.” “Why would I? I agree. You need to go back to work. I am the one stuck at home. And mom will be able to help with the twins.” “Okay. Good.” And he smiled relived. When Aelin eventually fell asleep on the sofa later on he placed a blanket on her and lifted her feet on the sofa so that she would be in a comfortable position. He stroked her hair and the her bump “You three rest.” And in silence he went back packing.

TAG:

@rowaelinismyotp

#rowaelin #rowanwhitethorn #aelin galythinius #rowan x aelin #fanfic #throneofglassseries #angst #fluff

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ohokimdumb · 4 years

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Carlos Oliveira Imagine (Protector) 🛡❤️👑

Request: Can you do a Carlos x reader where the readers ex won’t leave her alone and Carlos has to step in? Btw I love your writing 🥰

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind words ♥

Word Count: 1.3k

Gif by: bioshocky

Grocery shopping was an activity that soothed you to the core. Typically, people hated pushing through the inconsiderate crowd of aggressive shoppers. Shopping late at night was the best time; at that was what you did. Carlos got off work early so he decided to shop with you. After the horrific Raccoon City accident, you had a few broken ribs so movement wasn’t your friend. He wanted to make life easier for you any way he could; it was the least he could do.

Carlos parked the car at the front of the grocery store. His consideration toward your injuries warmed your heart. He gave you a gentle smile.

“I’ll get your door.” Carlos had always been a gentleman; a courteous man who knew how to flirt. He opened the door and helped you out of his jet-black Jeep. Instantly, you noticed all the men and women staring at him. You were invisible to all the people who stared and admired his blessed appearance. It didn’t matter, all Carlos saw was you. His arm casually snaked around your waist as he smoothly indicated you were his, and he was yours.

Your list was excruciatingly long after not shopping for a little over a week due to your injuries. Carlos had no time to shop since his new position at the city’s police department had kept him busy. There were more people shopping than usual. Since when did people believe 10:00PM was the ideal shopping hour? Carlos grabbed a kart and you set your expensive Gucci purse in the seat section of the shopping-kart. It was a birthday present from Carlos; you had begged him for one for the past year prior to your birthday.

“What’s first on the list?” Carlos asked as he looked down at you. His eyes squinted as he tried to read your handwriting. You noticed and smiled at his humorous struggle.

“Admit it, you need glasses.” You called him out and Carlos huffed.

“No, I don’t! I see perfectly fine.” Carlos argued as he playfully snatched your list from your hands.

“When it comes to your sight, you act like an old man denying he needs a hearing-aid.” You nudged him with glee and he laughed. You weren’t known for your jokes, but Carlos laughed at them all. You snatched the list back.

“First on the list is chicken.” You informed Carlos and he nodded.

“It’s across the store. Do you think you’ll be fine on your own for a minute or two?” Carlos lovingly stroked your back.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to get everything I need from produce.” Carlos nodded and walked through the crowd of people. Eventually, he disappeared out of your sight. As you made your way to produce, you noticed someone familiar. Your eyebrows furrowed together out of curiosity. It felt like you were punched in the gut after your speculation was confirmed, when the man turned in your direction. What were the odds you moved to the same town as your ex-boyfriend; an abusive and narcissistic ex-boyfriend. It felt like you were suffocating, being strangled by his sadistic grasp once more. You quickly walked to the next isle over where the produce was. As you kept your head down you examined the lemons and grapefruit. A sickeningly familiar scent of cologne filled your nostrils, and a terrifying voice echoed in your eardrums

“Y/n?” Trevor called out your name. You looked to your right and he was next to you; too close for comfort. It felt like your heart was going to burst out of fear. The day you decided to leave Trevor, you didn’t say a word to him. You just…disappeared. He had a smile on his face, but you read him like a book. Behind his imitation of a soft, caring expression was anger; a man who desired revenge. You wanted to scream for Carlos, but you didn’t want to cause a scene. It wasn’t because you were embarrassed to ruin a bystander’s day, but you were scared to. All the trauma he caused flushed back into your body like a hurricane; you couldn’t breathe.

Two steps backwards and his hand was tightly wrapped around your wrist. You casually tried to pull away, once again trying not to cause a scene.

“Don’t do this. It’s not worth it.” You tried to reason with Trevor, but a nasty grin formed on his face. He was still his usual, disgusting self. You never understood how people could be so evil and hate the world so much. Why did others wish to cause innocent people pain?

“Oh, it’s not? You left me. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me you were leaving.” Trevor’s grip overbearingly tightened around your delicate wrist; you could feel the pressure against your bone.

From behind, you hear a familiar deep voice that brought you relief.

“What the hell is going on here?” Carlos said in an extremely hostile tone. The expression plastered on his face was even more terrifying. Trevor was too oblivious to see Carlos’ posture as a warning. Trevor let go of your wrist and you stumbled over to Carlos. Tears filled your eyes as you hid behind him. Your body felt weak from the lack of oxygen intake.

“This is none of your concern.” Trevor took a step closer towards Carlos; the biggest mistake he ever made. Carlos scowled at Trevor’s filthy audacity to put a hand on you. Carlos’ thoughts went wild; violent. He wanted nothing more than to break every bone in his body. Aggression heated his bloodstream as aggressive memories flashed through his mind like a screenplay.

“It is my concern. You put your hand on my lady.” Carlos growled. You tugged at his shirt in hopes he would walk away, but that wasn’t the case. Instead, Carlos stepped forward until his face was directly in front of Trevor’s. Trevor didn’t break his stance until Carlos decided to make a move. It was something you didn’t expect from Carlos; especially in public.

Carlos threw a quick punch that forced Trevor to the ground. People gasped as they crowded around the three of you. An expression of shock covered your face as you watched Trevor crash to the ground; blood ran down from one of his nostrils. You weren’t sure what caused Carlos to act outrageous. It was awful that Trevor grabbed you in such an aggressive manner, but Carlos could have at least tried to talk some sense into him. Carlos didn’t typically confide in immediate violence; it wasn’t who he was. There had to be a deeper meaning.

“Get the fuck out of here, or stitches won’t fix what I’ll do to you.” Carlos threatened Trevor, and he sprinted out of the store. Little droplets of blood created a trail as he exited the grocery store. You looked up at Carlos and his anger had quickly faded; his happy, innocent smile returned. Everyone around you two seemed to get over the situation as well.

“Why did you punch him?” You asked, sounding a bit disappointed in him. Carlos frowned at your disapproval.

“My dad wasn’t the best to my Ma. He would beat her if she didn’t make dinner by seven o’clock.” Carlos hesitantly shared in a quiet whisper. Your disappointment faded as he shockingly opened up to you. You felt it wasn’t right to ask more questions out in public. It was surprising you hadn’t been kicked off the premises.

“We should bust a move; we have fifteen more items on your list.” Carlos smiled and tossed the packed chicken in the kart. You laughed and playfully punched his lean arm.

He was your protector, your man at arms.

#carlos oliveira #carlos oliveira imagine #carlos oliveira x reader

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theonetheycallhannah · 4 years

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The Treatment of Captain Syverson-Chapter 14: No Call No Show

Characters: Shane Benton (OFC), various other original supporting/secondary characters

Summary: We find out where Shane went Monday after work and exactly why she hasn’t been responding to any attempts at communication…and unfortunately, she’s not just taking some “me time.”

Want to reminisce about when this was just a happy little fluffy romance? Return to chapters past, or look at my other smutty drabbles here!

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: SHANE FIGHTS BACK, BUT DEFINITELY GETS HER ASS KICKED, SO FAIR WARNING, IT’S VIOLENT. Language, mature themes, emotional abuse, mention of narcotics (morphine), vomiting, foreshadowing and mention of potential future violent/non-con/dub-con activities, but if those acts occur, they will not be portrayed on the page, but rather between chapter or section breaks, so don’t worry. Also, I use the “R” word, but not to discuss non-con, but rather to add an educational note about why one should yell “fire” when one is being assaulted. Basically no Sy material whatsoever, but he’s mentioned, so I’m tagging it as such! Shane being somewhat blasé about her mortality. I really don’t want to trigger anyone, so please read with caution or wait until you emotionally are ready to deal with our girl going through the shit.

Author’s Note: Really REALLY nervous about this one. This is not the resolution you are looking for, my friends. In fact, it’s not a resolution, at all. Lol. I foresee many people disliking this chapter for some reason or another. That’s actually okay. It’s not a chapter you’re meant to “like” per se. I don’t “like” it. I’m prepared for it to get very few notes, and I’m positioning it anyway. I think it’s some of my better writing, but I hated putting Shane through the ringer like this. It’s just one of those chapters you “get through.” And honestly, if you truly didn’t like it please give me feedback so I can improve and tweak. {For reasons other than “My beebeeeeee!” or “never mention anything less than consensual ever again kthxbye” because a) of all, MY beebee too, and b) of all, that’s what warnings are for and why they should be read.} That being said, I hope it at least tides you over until the next chapter. At least you know where she is…not that THAT’S a big relief under the circumstances! Lol!

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, Henry is not mine, le sigh, and all mention of him, his characters, any characters from his films, or his precious doggy, Kal, are strictly for transformative and recreational use. I neither ask for, nor accept payment for the work I post on Tumblr or AO3. Unbeta’d because this is for fun and escapism.

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Hope I’m not forgetting anyone! If you want to be notified when I post a new chapter or work, I’ll be happy to add you to my tag list! Stricken blogs are getting personal messages from me when a new chapter is uploaded because Tumblr’s faulty tagging system will not stand in the way of me delivering what the people want!(?) lol! (Although…their lackadaisical notification system might…sorry for that. I have no control. lol!)

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Previously, in Virginia…

"Shane left work Monday and hasn't been back since. No one has seen her. Apart from you, I presume. "

"I haven't seen her in about a week and a half. I'm training out of state for a job. I've been away from my phone since Monday, and I just got back to it now."

"She isn't…with you? I assumed…"

"Well, you know what they say, Susan. I'm coming back early if I can manage it. See if I can do something to help find her."

Three days earlier, in Missouri…

Shane blinked her eyes open to little avail. She couldn't tell where she was, other than what seemed to be the back seat of a fairly new-model large vehicle, like a Suburban or a Tahoe. She thought it was new because the new car smell was still overpowering the nicotine and tobacco odor of at least one of its occupants. She could also smell the sickly sweet stench of artificial cherry permeating the cabin. The source must be very close to her nose as she lay there helplessly restrained while the vehicle jostled down the road. The smell reminded her of the horrible liquid pain reliever her mother would give her as a child when she had a fever or leg pains. She had taken enough of it then to make her averse to most cherry flavorings as an adult. She wanted to retch.

She could also make out the faint glow of a dashboard lit with LED lights, brighter and softer than those of older models. But she soon had to shut her eyes again. Her head was throbbing and her memories were fuzzy. She remembered very little of Monday…was it still Monday? But she was trying to think, despite the pounding of many drums in her cranium where a brain should be.

She remembered staying at work late to finish notes. She remembered heading home…and she remembered forgetting her phone at her desk and deciding to turn around to get it…when suddenly she was surrounded by vehicles and unable to move without having an accident. Had she known the circumstances then, she would have tried to muscle through. The horrific events came flooding back in traumatic flashes like lightning, or the pulse of passing streetlights in an unfamiliar city.

She remembered…

The glass by her left ear shattered. A hooded, hulking figure reached in through the new opening, fumbling for the handle to open the door. She'd had the presence of mind to fight back there. To punch at the probing extremity. But the extremity hit back, landing a solid smack against her left cheek, stunning her for long enough that the cruel apparition found the unlock button, pressed it, and opened the door. She didn't go quietly. She fought like the hellcat her mother always told her to be. Her foot found the odd solar plexus and groin before enough dark nemeses arrived to overpower her. They dragged her away from her car and out onto the pavement of the church parking lot she'd used to turn around. She did not make it easy for them. She kicked and punched and tried to twist out of their grips like vices. She yelled "fire" as she was taught as a young woman, not knowing the men's intentions, but certain they weren't kind, and knowing that yelling "rape" was not always effective at summoning help. Either way, it didn't matter. She could have shouted anything. No one was near enough, or cared enough, to come to her aid. As soon as her soft hands hit the gritty pavement, though, the violence intensified. She lost count of how many times she got kicked in the back, stomach, ribs. One asshole even kicked her in the tit. She'd find out who that was and he'd find himself in a special brand of pain…if she ever got out of this alive. She heard them calling her awful names that she was sure she hadn't earned, and especially not from these guys. About six of them, she thought. She hardly knew six guys. She certainly didn't know six guys that would want her roughed up like this. She heard one of the men start to say "Come on, guys, we better save some for--" and with that, she blacked out to the tune of the distinct "thunk" of a wooden baseball bat making contact with the back of her head.

She wanted to forget…for it to be a terrible nightmare…to wake up.

But she was awake. This was a waking nightmare. The cold leather on her cheek was made colder by the harsh air conditioning blowing toward her from above and below. She shivered from the chill and from the terror she was trying to suppress. Where were they taking her? For what purpose? And for whom were they leaving parts un-bruised…though it didn't feel like it.

She finally felt them slowing, heard a turn signal clicking, the courtesy of which she applauded despite her position in the active abduction taking place, and felt the gentle displacement of her body toward the driver side, knocking her head into the door. A right turn. Not that it would matter too much, but at least when she escaped, and she made herself think "when" and not "if," she would know which direction to turn to get back to town.

The blow to the head had left her sensitive to light and sound. As she was yanked from the back seat, all she could see was the glow of a dusk to dawn light above them. Normally a soft, guiding light, this one just as well have been the sun itself the way it stung her tender eyes. She squinted against it, thankful as she never would have thought to be, when a shroud was placed over her throbbing head. She could still hear the power coursing through the bulb and fixture, though. Normally a dull hum, in the state she was in, it was as loud as accidentally switching your TV to the snow channel at full volume.

"Bring 'er inside." She heard an unfamiliar male voice say.

Two strong, ruthless hands grabbed her by the armpits, causing her to cry out in pain. Such a tender place to bear weight, and why even big strong Sy hated crutches…Sy. Would she ever see him again?

"Shut up, bitch, or we'll knock you out again." She believed them, and being fairly certain she had at least a mild concussion, she wasn't sure what a second blow of an indeterminate velocity might do to her brain. She dealt with the stabbing pain as the men dragged her across what sounded like gravel, then grass, then something hard and smooth, maybe the slabs of an old, sunken, and somewhat uneven footpath. Soon, she felt the pain of her knees hitting what she assumed were porch steps. One, two, three of them. She was trying to concentrate through the fog now setting in, and maintain consciousness. Paying attention to the sensations, she told herself, was not only helpful for that task, it might help her escape. Remember the scents, too, she reminded herself. She tried to shake off the nauseating cherry and cigarette stench from her olfactory glands and take note of the bouquet around her.

Burnt leaves…gasoline…engine grease…the tang of sappy, just cut firewood…straw…manure…this seemed to be a farm. With a barn nearby…perhaps with horses. She loved horses. If she could find a gentle horse in the night…escape might be easier than she'd anticipated.

Entering the house was a noisy affair. There was a metallic keening from the spring of an aluminum screen door. She imagined it had one of those big swirly cross beams like her grandma's used to have that she always though was supposed to resemble a butterfly. A heavier, wooden door creaked open as the three figures muddled their way in, and the floorboards protested, as well, at the weight of her captors. So, she thought, not only a farm house, but an old farm house.

"Where do you want her?" the man on her left asked into what she only knew as the void, so far.

"Take her to the cellar. I've got things set up down there." a familiar voice chuckled and growled. How did she know the voice? Was he a patient? She couldn't think of anyone she'd treated that would want her abducted and brutalized.

"You got it, E." Ugh, for some reason it bothered her when guys referred to each other by their first initials. Girls, no big deal. But bros…there was something so thoroughly douchey and…familiar about it all…

"Hold on." the man called "E" said, and she heard footfalls approaching her. As he got closer, she smelled…patchouli and incense…and the sea…and it brought back a rush of pain from past trauma followed by literal pain from his punch to her gut. She hadn't been expecting it. Obviously. The wind had been taken out of her. Literally and figuratively. She did know this man…all too well.

"We've got some catching up to do, sweetheart." the pet name dripped like venomous honey from the tongue of the snake before her.

"Elliot." it wasn't a question. She coughed the name out like a pill that had gone down sideways.

Her escorts continued their transportation of her prone body to its destination…she didn't want to think FINAL destination, but the more she learned about her situation, the more she worried that she wouldn't make it out alive.

They had to get creative in carrying her down the narrow staircase to the cellar. They argued for a moment about who would take the top half and who would go backwards.

"How about the one who takes my top half goes forward and the bottom half goes backward?" These idiots. Where did Elliott find clowns like this who needed to be told by their prisoner the best way to sort out their domestic dispute.

She thought she felt them shrug, and silently take her advice as she felt herself being lowered down the stairs, feet first, panic threatening to overtake her restrained limbs.

When they got to the bottom of the stairs, they stood her up to remove her shroud, and cut the zip ties from around her ankles and wrists. She then noticed a small cell that reminded her of the ones in the sheriff's offices in some westerns she'd seen. She started to freak out, anticipating her future in that horrid place.

"Guys, please. No. Please don't do this. I don't know what Elliott's told you about me, but I'm a good person. I don't deserve this. I have a job and friends and a family who will worry sick about me. I am begging you to let me go. Please!"

"You're wasting your breath, lady." one of the men said, gruffly.

"PLEASE!" she appealed, desperate to get through. "Don't you guys have wives or girlfriends? Mothers, sisters, aunts, or female cousins? What if a woman you cared about was in this situ---" and before she could finish the question, one of the men punched her for what felt like the thousandth time tonight. She fell to her knees, vomiting. And the world went black again.

~~~~~~~

There were no windows. There was no clock. There was just a small twin mattress in one corner of the cell, and a bedside commode in the other. As accommodations went, it was hardly a Hilton, but it could have been worse. It was all lit by a 60-watt bulb in one of those hanging fixtures her dad had always called a trouble light situated on a hook on the side of one of the exposed joists outside the cell. He'd had a similar one for the longest time. He and mom will be worried sick before long, if they aren't already, she thought. The light was aptly named for these circumstances she was in. Trouble. A heap of it. And no idea of how to get out of it.

And honestly, no idea why Elliott would want her here. How he could do such a monstrous thing as having her kidnapped. How he came to live in this place when he never worked a day in his life. She was so confused. She hoped at the very least, he'd give her answers before he murdered her, if that was his plan.

She had woken up on her side, almost her stomach, with her right cheek on the scratchy surface of the bare mattress. Whoever put her to bed had been wise to position her like this given the likelihood that she might puke again. She noticed a small bucket, presumably for that purpose, next to the mattress. There was a caseless pillow next to her head, but she hadn't found that comfort during her nap of…she couldn't tell how long. Not that it mattered. The more she slept, the less time she'd have to process this horror movie she was currently living out.

She heard the door open at the top of the stairs and Elliott shout at one of his flunkies, "What do you MEAN you didn't get her phone?" a pause while indistinct words came from said flunky across the room, or maybe the house. "Well, find it. Tear that piece of shit Explorer apart if you have to. I want that phone." She took exception to her sweet little Norah getting called a piece of shit. That was her Millennium Falcon. And yes, she'd gotten flack for naming her Norah the Explorer, but she didn't care.

Elliott stomped down the stairs, grinning the most infuriatingly happy grin she'd ever seen on him. She wanted to maul him. To tear those stupid eyes out of their sockets with her own fingernails. But she controlled her anger and resisted even acknowledging his greeting of "Hey, sweetheart."

She ignored him.

"It's good to see you."

Silence.

"I missed you."

She stared right through him.

"I heard you and that meat head soldier broke up."

She scowled at him.

"There she is. There's my girl."

"I'm not your girl, Elliott, and I haven't been in years. Why am I here?" She broke. She couldn't take it.

"We'll get to that why soon enough. First, let's talk about why you and Cap'n Crunch are no longer breakfasting together? Soggy cereal? Limp toast? Was he letting you leave the table unsatisfied?"

"As if you ever satisfied me when we were together." She spat back, calling Elliott out on his notorious selfishness in all aspects of life and relationships.

"I've changed."

"Bullshit." she rolled her eyes.

"It's true!" he insisted. "I can give you references."

"I honestly don't give a shit. We're not together. Sy and I are. Happily. And you better let me go soon. He was expecting me at his place after work. He's probably out looking for me right now." she lied. It was worth a shot.

"Now it's my turn to call bullshit, because I know that isn't true." He looked at her with that patronizing stare he had.

"You don't know shit, Elliott."

"I know that your boy took off over a week ago for Virginia and hasn't come back, at least not the way he left. I believe he's supposed to be gone at least a few weeks. Maybe a couple of months. He wasn't sure at last report."

She was literally willing him to burst into flames before her. Her gaze revealed her hand.

"Told ya. You think you're the only one with connections at the fort? I've got me a sweet little sergeant who works in ATC over there. She can out-squat anyone else on base…and let me tell you, it shows." he lifted his eyebrow, lasciviously.

"You disgust me."

"Why? You never seemed to mind my…sexy imagination." he winked at her.

"No, I'm happy that you're getting it good on the regular from an ass that won't quit. But come on. You clearly only got with this girl because you thought it would give you the upper hand against me."

"Well, that's very self-absorbed thinking."

"Really, Elliott? Do you see where we are right now?" they looked around at the dank cellar and he shrugged, unable to deny or rebut. "And this woman. Does she know about this little scheme?"

He gave her one of his more evil grins. "Who do you think kicked you in the tit?" Okay…she was new levels of pissed off now.

"Why…the actual FUCK am I here, Elliott!?"

"Well, Shane, you embarrassed me with that little stunt at the bar a few weeks ago. You thought you were hot shit, parading your sasquatch of a boyfriend around in front of me, in my town, humiliating me as all of my friends watched. And then that dickhead sucker punched me in the parking lot. I shoulda pressed charges. But him being a veteran, I knew how that woulda gone in this town. I didn't have a snowball's chance. So I waited. And I planned. And I was patient. And I watched for my moment. And it finally came. I've been watching you leave work every night for the past week, and you're always with someone, or headed somewhere else, or going straight home. Last night…last night I knew was the night when you didn't leave until after 7. You were the last one out, and I knew that it had to be then. The plan, not that you need to know, is to plaster your social media with humiliating photos, piss off everyone that you love, including your precious Sy, and alienate everyone you've ever cared about until you're miserable and alone."

Shane was crying now. She thought she might be sick again. She reached for the bucket. The delusion of this man thinking that anyone in that bar besides maybe the ones that were there with him that night gave a shit about him. Thinking that the town was his. He was a nobody there. He hadn't grown up there, he didn't work there, he didn't participate in community events. He was kidding himself if he thought anyone cared enough about him that he should feel shame over her relationship with Sy, especially five years after their relationship with each other had ended.

"How's that for a 'why,' sweetheart?" he boasted.

"It's making my ask myself a lot of questions. Like why I ever agreed to go out with you all those years ago. Why I didn't see the signs that you were a psychopath sooner. And why I put up with your terrorism for so long thinking you'd ever really change. I can't believe I ever slept with you, you absolute barbarian." and she heaved into the bucket, non-productively. She hadn't eaten since lunch, and that had to be well over twelve hours ago.

"Well, ya did. And ya can't change the past. But I'm about to take your future into my hands. As soon as we find your phone, we're gonna have us a ball, little girl."

"You honestly think I'll cooperate with any of that?"

"You won't have a choice." he held up a little glass vial. "Morphine. A tiny dose of this stuff, and you'll do anything I tell ya."

"Please. Just let me go now, and I won't press charges. I won't go to the cops, at all. I'll call in to work with a headache, or something and you can live your life with Sergeant Squats and we can leave each other alone."

"A good offer, but I need to get something out of this. I need my pride back."

"And you're gonna get that by dragging me through the mud online from my own Facebook account? Is that really the way you wanna do this? When you could just show me what a great life you've built for yourself. This is a great place here, it seems, I mean, I only smelled it, and felt how big it was while I was getting dragged around the place. But, Elliott, if you had just told me about all this, I would have been happy for you!"

"This place is Sasha's."

"Oh." she grasped for something, anything to make him see how insane he was being without saying the words. "Well, I'd still have been happy for you finding an established woman with a great job. Why couldn't you have just written me a letter telling me that? An email! Something."

"This is how it's getting done, Shane. Because this is the only way that truly ruins your life in the process. Because at the end of all of this, the backlash is going to be too much for you, and you're not going to be able to handle this life anymore…"

"No. Elliott, no."

"Yes. You're gonna take one last hit of the morphine and drive that shitty Ford right into the lake."

"You used to care about art. About beauty. You used to be sensitive. You used to have a soul. What happened, Elliott? What happened to your humanity?" Shane asked, crying, in mourning for the man he used to be. The one that she used to care for.

"I fell in love. And she broke my heart. And nothing has been the same."

"Elliott, I didn't mean to…"

"Oh, fuck, not you, don't be stupid. No, Kara. I met her right after you kicked me out, and SHE broke my heart." he turned and started up the stairs, pausing to look over his shoulder and say, "I'll be back when I have your phone. And I'll bring friends." before he ascended, shutting the door firmly behind him.

She had never been so relieved to NOT have her phone in her life. Hopefully, her coworkers had it safe and sound, and locked up at work.

Up Next: Chapter 15-Recon

#netflix sand castle #Sand Castle #captain syverson #Captain Syverson x OFC #captain syverson fanfic #sigh for sy #henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill x ofc #this is either a bit angsty or it will give you angst it is hard to say

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