#with buck moving into the diaz house and trading with eddie

[deadnatura11]

What if Eddie moves into Buck's loft and the first thing he does is buy a couch?

[dinogoose]

we should just kiss like real people do

Buck leans back, turning his head, wanting to ask Eddie what they should get for dinner when he’s suddenly much closer to Eddie than he thought.

So much so that their lips are brushing, just a slight touch that's sending shivers down Buck’s spine.

Both men freeze, Eddie’s brown eyes wide in shock as they stare at him.

Without moving back, Buck mutters against Eddie’s lips, “Oops.”

(or, buck and eddie accidentally kiss.)

They had just gotten back from a long, grueling shift. The calls had seemed never-ending, not once giving them a chance for downtime, or even to breathe. Buck was half-convinced someone had said the q-word, though he kept his superstitions to himself.

But finally, they had reached the end, and Bobby had finally dismissed them to get changed and go home.

As Buck was in the locker room sluggishly taking his shirt off, Eddie had turned to him and simply asked, “My place?”

Buck had nodded, not wanting to go ‘home’ to his cold, lifeless loft. And honestly, the Diaz house was the one place- other than the fire station- where he felt truly at peace, at home.

Eddie graced him with a small smile, and then left, leaving Buck to rush through packing his things so he could get to Eddie faster.

Once they both arrived home, they fell into a familiar routine. Eddie locked up while Buck took both their duffles into Eddie’s bedroom. He swapped his jeans for sweats and had then made his way to the living room, waiting for Eddie.

Eddie emerged from his room in a similar, comfortable state to Buck’s.

“Chris at a sleepover?” Buck asks, already aware of the answer. Normally, he and Eddie trade off on who takes him to events like that- and no, he doesn't want to examine that too closely.

“Yeah, Carla took him after school, it's his friend Kenny’s birthday. Apparently, Kenny’s mom rented out an arcade for his party, I have honestly never seen Chris more excited.” Eddie chuckles fondly as he finishes his story, handing Buck a beer before sitting down next to him on the couch.

Buck smiles softly, thinking about his favorite kid, “He should be! I loved arcades when I was younger. Growing up Maddie would take me to this one arcade near our house, she would save up all her quarters just so I could lose them all playing skeeball. …I was very uncoordinated.”

Eddie snorts, “Was uncoordinated?” He snarks cheekily.

Buck shoves him, careful not to spill his beer, before leaning forward to set his drink down on the coffee table.

“Anyways, what should we get for-“ He begins leaning back against the couch, turning his head, so he can make eye contact with Eddie, wanting to ask him what they should get for dinner when he’s suddenly much closer to Eddie than he thought.

So much so that their lips are brushing, just a slight touch that's sending shivers down Buck’s spine.

Both men freeze, Eddie’s brown eyes wide in shock as they stare at him.

Without moving back, Buck mutters against Eddie’s lips, “Oops.”

This seems to snap Eddie out of his surprise as he jerks back, nearly falling off the couch. Buck feels his face flame with embarrassment.

“I- um-“ Buck attempts to find any words, “You know what sounds good? Thai. So I’m going to go grab the menu- uh- yes. Okay bye.” He says, very eloquently, while scrambling to his feet. He's doing his best not to actually run away from Eddie.

He semi-successfully succeeds in escaping to the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, he takes a moment to comprehend what had just happened.

See if he wasn’t desperately and irrevocably in love with Eddie, he would not have reacted like that. He would’ve laughed, shrugged it off, and moved on. Wouldn’t have ran from the room, his face aflame.

But he is hopelessly in love with Eddie. And he is so consumed by that love that he can’t think rationally when he’s near him (although he has never been known for being rational).

He bangs his head against a cupboard, which, naturally, is the exact moment Eddie decides to check on him.

“Hey man,” The older man takes in the scene in front of him, “you good?” Buck bites his cheek to stop himself from laughing because of course that’s how Eddie approaches this.

“I’m peachy.” Buck lies, Eddie raises an eyebrow.

“Well I feel the need to tell you I don’t have any physical takeout menus, everything’s online now. You were the one to show me that.”

Buck is pretty sure you could cook an egg on his face with how hot his face has gotten.

“Oh.”

“Yeah…” Eddie trails off stiffly, he’s staring intently into Buck’s eyes, and the blonde cannot take it anymore.

“I’m sorry about what happened, I honestly didn’t mean to do that-“ He begins to ramble, trying to salvage this. Eddie nods along.

“I’m sorry too, I didn’t want our first kiss to happen like that.“

“-I know this probably makes things super uncomfortable- wait what?” What Eddie said finally registers, making Buck cut himself off.

“What?” Eddie asks innocently, though his slight smirk is giving him away.

“Did you say our first kiss?” He asks incredulously, not letting himself believe this means what he wants it to.

“Yes? Do you not want there to be more?” Eddie questions his tone is cocky, but Buck can hear his insecurities seeping into it. As if there’s any universe where Buck wouldn’t give everything to kiss Eddie.

“Obviously I do,” He steps forward into Eddie’s space, “I had never thought that you would want to.” His reasoning is futile at best, but he’s never been great at logical thinking.

“I’ve been in love with you for years, Buck. I’ve trusted you with my life, with my son, I thought you understood that.” Buck shakes his head, because, no, he didn’t understand that.

Though having it laid out in front of him is suddenly making everything very clear. And when he isn’t with the love of his life- who looks beautiful and exceedingly kissable -he’ll be sure to comb over every interaction they’ve ever shared.

“Can we try that kiss again? On purpose this time?” Eddie requests a playful gleam in his eye as he steps as close as possible to Buck.

Buck is silently grateful that he and Eddie always sit far too close because it got them here.

“Dick,” Buck mumbles, leaning forward to brush his mouth against Eddie’s. Eddie cups Buck’s jaw with one hand, the other going to steady himself on Buck’s chest.

Buck deepens it, stopping himself from sighing into Eddie’s mouth at the perfection of it. The heat, their tongues, the drag of Eddie’s stubble against his chin, all of it is perfect.

He gently grips Eddie’s hair, pulling him in closer, causing the older man to let out a slight groan. Buck smiles into the kiss.

Eddie pushes him back against the counter, trapping him. They keep kissing until the need for air wins out, causing Buck to push away softly. Eddie backs away, still trapping Buck with his body.

“I hate to ruin the moment,” He begins breathlessly, ruining the moment, “but Thai actually does sound good.”

Eddie laughs, before going in for another kiss.

(here’s this! hope you enjoyed, wrote it before my flight.)

[dangerpronebuddie]

Kiss Me Once Cause You Know I Had A Long Night 19/?

42. A kiss to celebrate an engagement

Summary:

A sense of rightness filled Buck's chest, and the words were tumbling past his lips before he even registered them in his mind.

"Marry me."

(Or, the story of how Buck and Eddie got together at Christmas and lost Chim a thousand dollars in the previous chapter.)

(read below!)

"I can't take it anymore, Maddie," Buck cried. Maddie was probably sick and tired of Buck's repetitive pining, but it was an emergency! Eddie looked way too good, and acted way too sweet all day to not wax poetic about the man!

"Then don't," she said with a shrug. "Tell him, Evan."

"But-"

"Evan," she said firmly. "He loves you. You know he loves you. But he's not going to make a move. He's put the ball in your court, Evan."

Buck worried his lip between his teeth. "What if I'm wrong? I could lose him, and- and Chris, I can't-"

"That would never happen, and you know it," she said softly. "For once, quit overthinking it and tell him how you feel."

Buck took a deep breath. "Okay. I'll tell him. Early Christmas present."

"He's going to love it. I promise," she said before hanging up.

Buck checked his watch. He had just enough time to change into something actually nice before heading to the Diaz house. Chris was, unfortunately, at a sleepover for the weekend, but Eddie and Buck kept up their movie night tradition regardless.

He got to Eddie's a little earlier than usual. He wasn't letting himself think about it. For once, he was just going to go with the flow and see where it took him.

A few hours later, they found themselves on the couch, talking over some random action movie Buck put on while Eddie grabbed a few beers.

Eddie laughed at something Buck said, and Buck was just overwhelmed by how beautiful the man was. The yellow light from the TV highlighted his profile and accentuated the red tones in his hair. He grinned, so widely and freely his eyes crinkled. A sense of rightness filled Buck's chest, and the words were tumbling past his lips before he even registered them in his mind.

"Marry me."

Eddie's laughter died and he looked at Buck, his eyes wide, his lips parted. "What?" he whispered.

"Marry me," Buck said again.

"Buck, are you..."

"I'm in love with you, and I want forever with you, and I really want that to start right now," Buck confessed. The words hung in the air between them, crowding in alongside the sudden tension in the room.

Buck's heart thundered in his ears. Eddie hadn't moved an inch except to blink at Buck.

But then, slowly, the bright and beautiful smile returned, along with his laughter.

In a second, Eddie was pushing Buck back into the couch cushions. "Yes," he giggled before pressing his lips to Buck's. "Yes, yes, yes."

Buck grinned so much it couldn't be called a kiss. Eddie was struggling just as much. He pulled away to look into Buck's eyes. "I'm in love with you, too, Evan. So much. I want forever. Marry me."

"I already asked you," Buck giggled, joy filling him until he was glowing with it.

"Kinda sounded like an order," Eddie smirked.

"Oh, you'd know if I was giving you an order," Buck said in a low voice, trailing his hands down to the back pockets of Eddie's jeans.

"At least wine and dine me before you jump me," Eddie snarked.

Buck flipped their positions. "Pizza and beers not good enough for you?"

"It's perfect, baby," Eddie smiled, tangling his fingers in Buck's curls to pull him into a kiss.

Everything was perfect, even if it all happened out of order. A marriage proposal, then a first kiss, and a few other firsts, before they got married the very next day. So it didn't happen how Buck expected. He wouldn't trade it for anything.

[buckbuckleys]

weekly fic recs

yes i missed these the last two weeks but have an extra long post this week ?

- 911

Come Away, O Human Child - JustABunchOfHocusPocus

| buddie | t | fantasy hurt/comfort | words: 142,374 | in progress

Evan Buckley is 18 when he learns about an older brother he never knew, and the lengths to which his parents went to try and save him. What they were willing to risk. What they were willing to trade. He's 18 when he learns that he he only has twelve years left before the deal his parents made to try and save his brother--the deal that cursed him, the deal that didn't even work--comes to its conclusion, and the magic that has always flowed through him so much more strongly than it should is drained by the Fae that his parents sought out.

Evan Buckley is 18 when he learns that in twelve years he is going to die.

Now, he has only two goals: do some good with the time he has left, and minimize the damage his death will do to the people he cares about.
He thinks he's doing an okay job--until Eddie Diaz joins the 118. Buck knows the walls he's put up aren't the strongest, but he wasn't counting on a werewolf and his adorable son to just blow them to smithereens. But it doesn't matter how he feels about Eddie. The Changeling Child curse is impossible to break.

Isn't it?

this is LONG, and the author just removed their estimated chapter count but its still being updated regularly and has a ton of fun worldbuilding in it.

ya filthy animals - mmtion

| gen | t | words: 14403 | complete |

With Eddie away dealing with his family in Texas, Buck makes the mistake of showing the movie Home Alone to Christopher the day before a shift, where he has to leave him, well, home alone. With Taylor.

Tarantulas, buckets of honey, and revelations ensue

obsessed with the way taylor is written here, her dynamic with chris is SO INTERESTING and the fic will unexpectedly hit you right where it hurts.

A little bit of something (god, it's better than nothing) - justhockey

| buddie | M | angst w a happy ending | words: 7181 | complete |

They’ve done the not talking thing before and it almost ruined them, almost drove both of them to edges that they wouldn’t have been able to come back from. But this - it isn’t too late to talk about this.

“Buck, I-“ Eddie tries, but then Buck is sitting up and rolling out of bed - searching through the pile of clothes on the floor to find his own.

“Don’t worry,” he says, an easy grin on his face. “This doesn’t change anything with us.” (Or, the friends with benefits fic that no one asked for.)

Silence is Anything But Quiet - stellarmeadow

| buddie | g | emotional hurt/comfort | words: 17,863 | ongoing |

Eddie fights against consciousness, but it wins, dragging him out of sleep to stare at the ceiling. He looks around the dark bunk room, but there’s no noise, no light that would have woken him up. Everything is still, dark and quiet.

He rolls over toward Buck’s bunk to see the covers pushed back and an empty spot where Buck had been sleeping. The beds are so close that, if he rolls to the edge of his and stretches, he can feel just enough of Buck’s to tell that it’s cold.

He’s been gone a while.

this fic hits a little too close to home as someone who didn’t get diagnosed with adhd until i was in my late 20s, so a lot of the mixed up emotions here are very real, but eddie’s support through all of it is the softest thing. it says in progress but these are one shots so your fine to read then without worrying about a cliffhanger.

dragged in dust (bathed in blood) - tkreyesevandiaz

| buddie | T | emotional h/c | words: 39125 | complete |

I'm leaving the 118.

Or, the aftermath of Eddie's decision, and what it means for his relationship with Buck.

Life Is Just The Way You Hold Me - allyasavedtheday

| buddie | G | emotional hurt/comfort | words: 10,142 | complete

The combination of recently moving house, finally truly living as a single parent – who hasn’t managed to set up appropriate childcare yet – and beginning a new job as a firefighter has meant the walls he’s so steadfastly built up around himself to hold himself together since he first came home are starting to crumble.

And of course, because the universe is always looking for new ways to fuck with Eddie, all of this stress and anxiety has decided to take the form of the worst possible symptom a single father who works 24 hour shifts could experience

Insomnia.

It’s past 3am and Eddie is scrolling mindlessly on his phone when he first stumbles across the ad. Some people, when they go online shopping at night, buy things they don’t need. Like a Fitbit or a novelty t-shirt.

Eddie…

Eddie buys a professional cuddler.

Eddie needs a hug and some sleep. Buck, quite literally, offers his services.

this is one of those concepts that COULD have been a crack fic but isn’t and i love that it isn’t *so much*.

it could mean something (it could mean everything) - renecdote

| buddie | T | hurt/comfort | words: 1,207 | complete |

There is time for one decision.

The truck is going to hit the ground. Hard. Can’t avoid that.

Buck wonders if crashing down on top of a firetruck will hurt more than a firetruck crashing down on top of him. Then he stops that thought. There’s no time.

Think.

5x18 and bts inspired speculation fic. For BTHB: near-death experience.

carry me, carry me (home) - renecdote

| buddie | T | emotional h/c, sickfic | words: 4,391 | complete |

I don’t feel well,” he manages to say, feeling strangely distant from his own voice. It’s a realisation that blooms with the words: he doesn’t feel well. He… hasn’t really been feeling well all day, now that he’s putting the pieces together. Little things, easy to ignore things, easy to dismiss as anything other than illness things; but now they’re all hitting him at once, taking him out at the knees and leaving him to shatter as he falls. Except—Eddie. Arm around his back. Holding him together—as together as he can be right now. Buck is sick, Eddie (and Maddie) looks after him.

Hardest Hit from Feather's Kiss - Princessfbi

| buddie | E | romance, hurt/comfort | words: 28,658 | complete

Chimney says that Eddie’s been moping,” Maddie said airly as she fixed herself some breakfast. He vaguely remembered a Chimney on the roster when Buck had maybe googled Eddie’s name after he couldn’t sleep. If it was because he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Eddie’s hands curved over the slope of his waist, then that was between him and his search engine. “Since when have you been talking to a hockey goalie?” “Since you and the hockey power forward went and drunkenly made out on the dance floor,” Maddie said as she settled a plate of breakfast in front of him. “Eat.” Hockey/Ballet AU Hockey Player!Eddie Diaz and Ballet Dancer!Evan "Buck" Buckley

- batfamily/dc comics

Exit Strategy - smilebackwards

| gen | T | emotional hurt/comfort | words: 13,420 | complete |

Batman needs a Robin and Batman has a Robin. Tim is just extraneous now, vestigial. He’s a bandage over a healed wound. He doesn’t know what he’s hanging on to.

Or: Tim didn’t expect his exit strategy from the Batfamily to involve quite so much bonding time with Damian over Wayne Enterprises bureaucracy.

this is one of those fics where i look at my favorite characters and go... HUH maybe you’re more similar than i thought. but i loved tim and damian’s reluctant bonding in this so much.

Fix This by lurkinglurkerwholurks

| gen | T | emotional hurt/comfort | words: 4943 | complete |

In which I break Tim physically and Jason emotionally and make them deal with each other.

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Buddie Moodboard - The Lake House AU

Paramedic Eddie Diaz really just needed some time to himself - well to himself and his son Christopher - to think of his next steps in life. Ever since he lost a patient just outside the hospital he brings people to in order to be saved, he started to wonder if this is really want to do for the rest of his life.

Though honestly, the question has been bothering him well before that day. Ever since he lost his wife in a car accident, things haven't been the same. He moved to L.A. to start over. And now he feels like starting over again - over. He rented a lake house not long ago. Christopher loves it. He can always watch the ducks and firebugs.

An ongoing nuisance is the mail that keeps piling up in his mailbox. The previous tenant seemingly forgot to change his mail address and thus, Eddie's box is clogged with strange brochures on the most random topics. Even stranger so, the tenant seemingly bothers to pick those up eventually, but doesn't get the hint that he may have to update his address.

Fed up with all this, Eddie decides to leave a short, poignant letter in the mailbox for the previous tenant to find - and to hopefully get the message.

To his surprise, Eddie finds a reply in the mail, wherein the tenant named Buck expresses his frustration with receiving Eddie's mail all the time.

Strangely so, he claims to be living in the lake house Eddie knows for a fact he is living in right now with Christopher. A few odd letters back and forth bring about an even stranger revelation: Both are right and both live in the lake house, just in different times.

They figure that for whatever the reason, there lie two years between them. And the mailbox is the only way they can reach out to each other. Trading phone numbers or e-mail won't do the trick either.

And so, the two continue to write each other, about their lives, their jobs, what makes them happy and what doesn't.

Buck, it turns out, is a firefighter for the LAFD, living his dream he's had ever since a most strange excursion to Peru, as Eddie learns. After he got ghosted by his girlfriend, he decided he couldn't stay in her apartment anymore and spent most of his savings on the lake house. The rest went into repairing, restoring, and renovating the place until it became the house Eddie now lives in with Christopher.

Despite their temporal distance, neither man can deny that they feel a closer connection to each other than they have with almost anyone in their lives until now. Buck expresses his amazement with Eddie taking care of his son and his devotion to help people. Eddie can't help but admire Buck's compassion for other people and his encyclopedic knowledge about the most random facts he will work into conversation. Or letters.

Buck makes a sport of it to leave messages across the city for Eddie to find, not all of which are making sense or are anywhere near close to child-appropriate. Eddie doesn't mind much, though. In fact, he comes to realize that he developed feelings for the firefighter from another time. And after some strange, anxious messages back and forth, Eddie is actually sure that Buck feels the same way about him.

And as Buck will let anyone know, sexting via mail really sucks.

As time passes, Buck makes a daring proposal: He wants to schedule a date, two years from now in his time. Eddie finds it ridiculous at first, but once he realizes that Buck is sincere, he agrees. And he feels excited in a way he hasn't ever since Shannon died.

However, the sobering reality dawns on him, sitting at a restaurant, alone, waiting for Buck to arrive. Just that he doesn't. Eddie doesn't believe in cosmic powers or godly intervention, but he starts to think that maybe, this is indeed a sign. Buck is apologetic. He booked the table. He wanted to be there, and he can't fathom why he wouldn't come to finally meet Eddie.

Eddie wants to be an adult about it. After all, he has responsibilities, a kid to raise, and a reality to check back into, it'd seem. As much as it pains him, he writes to Buck that he doesn't want to continue writing letters and instead focus on the here and now again.

But it may be that the past catches up with Eddie all too fast...

Find more moodboards here

[tarlos-spain]

Flufftober Day 26 - New Hobbie together

Fandom: 9-1-1

Pairing: Eddie Diaz/Evan "Buck" Buckley

Characters: Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley, Christopher Diaz

A new hobbie together

Eddie and Buck discover the fascinating world of pasta bracalets

Saturday morning, when work allowed, was laundry day at Eddie and Christopher's house. It was amazing how much laundry they could get through in just one week. It was also time to wash father and son's shoes and Christopher's school bag.

Christopher would fill the backpack with things; things he wanted to trade a classmate, things he had done during the week at school between drawings and worksheets and also, the parts of the projects they were working on and hadn't had time to finish.

"Let me give you a hand while I'm here." Buck said as he set the work bag down on the kitchen table. "And while you're at it you'll put your stuff in the washer won't you, have you considered moving in with us?"

Eddie said it without thinking, but it was given, as he went about putting Christophfer's things into the washing machine. When he realized Buck wasn't saying anything, he turned around to find him staring at him, eyes wide open, and tossed him a ball made out of some of Christopher's socks.

"No pressure, eh Eddie!" "No Buck, you know you can come anytime you want to come live with us, anytime you want?"

He grabbed Christopher's backpack and emptied it the counter. Everything fell out, several pens, papers and two bracelets made of dried pasta.

Eddie picked them up and frowned.

"Shit." "What's wrong?" Buck leaned on the counter and picked up one of the bracelets. "I guess it's left to paint it now isn't it?" "I don't know, you think?" Eddie turned to Buck with that panicked look on his face that one shows when he's standing on top of a land mine and doesn't want to breathe. "What's supposed to be done with this now?" He held up the bracelet and jiggled it. "They're doing a craft project in class." "Okay, like all kids in school at this age right?"

Eddie looked at the bracelet again.

"Christopher always wants to be the best at everything, in class." "It wouldn't be because his dad is so competitive." "That's not the point, Buck. In class they're making bracelets and necklaces out of dough. Do you have any idea how that's done? I know how to do a heart massage and how to defuse a car bomb, but I haven't the foggiest idea how to make costume jewelry out of dried pasta."

While Eddie was losing his temper, Buck had been spending time on the internet, doing a little research and when he found what he wanted, he put the phone in front of Eddie.

"According to this 'Craft Mom' page it doesn't look like something too complicated." "So here's your plan for the Saturday night we have off. Learn how to make bracelets out of pasta." "Do you have any better ideas?" smiled Buck and shrugged." "Yes, but what I have in mind we can do after we learn how to do this. Come on it will be fun."

They obviously said nothing to Christopher about their secret project. They spent the afternoon in the park playing soccer and having some ice cream. They ordered pizza for dinner, while they played console games on TV and when it was time for bed, Christopher asked him to read with him part of the book he had in his hands; while Eddie prepared what was necessary to learn how to make a pasta bracelet.

Being a father had not prepared him for that. Twenty minutes later Eddie realized that his hands were too big to work with needle thread and not to break the pasta every time he squeezed it a little.

It didn't help any that Buck laughed when things didn't go his way either, although he wasn't doing too well himself, but he was having a strangely good time.

"Buck tell me something." Eddie dumped the remains of the last macaroni he'd smashed on the living room table. "How come it seems like all the new things you do seem to amuse you?" "Because they amuse me. Well sometimes not, but this is for Christopher and it's something I'm doing with you. That alone makes it worthwhile." "Even if it makes it worthwhile." "How many lives have we saved in our work, Eddie?" "What's that got to do with the pasta bracelets?"

Buck held up the bracelet he had managed to make. It wasn't perfect nor did it look like it was made by a child older than five. But it was something and after the times they had watched the tutorial, he could feel proud of his work.

"You're worrying about Chris making a better bracelet than the rest of his class, when he can't wait until Wednesday to have you in class to tell his classmates how you saved people during the blackout." "You mean saved."

Buck grinned and threw a macaroni in her face.

"Whatever. What I'm trying to say is that Christopher isn't going to love you more because you teach him how to make better or worse bracelets."

Eddie reached out and took Buck's hand. He squeezed it tightly and waited for his partner to look up at him before stroking his cheek, leaning over the table and giving him a kiss.

"But confess you like doing this." "Just a little." Buck whispered.

They barely slept that night, but they finally managed to learn and were ready to give Christopher some lessons when he asked.

They left their work on the table for Christopher to see them the next morning and waited.

"Dad! They heard them say the next day waking up to Christopher's voice from the living room.

They got up and met the boy at the door. He had their two bracelets in his hand, the best they had ever managed to make.

"Are they for me?" "To give you a hand with your class craft project."

Christpher twisted his face.

"What project?" "Yesterday when I put your backpack through the wash, I found the pasta bracelet you had in it. It's for a project, isn't it?" "No! It's a gift from Laura, her mother is teaching bracelet making because she has a very famous blog. She said I could be in her next video with them, isn't that fun?"

Buck and Eddie looked at each other.

"So no science project?" Eddie asked. "Yes, but we're making a solar system out of play dough. But thanks for the bracelets, Dad, Buck, I'm sure if you guys give me a hand, my bracelet will look great on Laura's mom's video."

Christopher ran to his room with the bracelets and left them alone in the living room for a moment. Buck circled Eddie's waist and when Eddie turned around, he gave him an intense kiss.

"Breakfast and we sit down with Christopher to perfect our bracelets?" "Of course, Buck, we still have to make some really nice ones and then paint them."

[sulkybbarnes]

This is a birthday present for one of my most favorite people and a wonderful, beautiful person! @letitialewiss I love you tons and I hope that this little fic brings you a smile today. Happy birthday, Kim 💖💕

“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.”

-Jane Austen, Emma

The problem with Eddie’s feelings is that they tend to get all encompassing, until they’re clinging to every inch of him, covering every piece of cloth he wears, trailing behind him on the floor. 

He always feels things deeply, be it grief or love or joy. Feelings tend to grip Eddie’s heart and make a home there until he is ready -or willing- to express them. And it’s that latter part, really, that gives him the most trouble. While Eddie feels every emotion and holds it close, he can seldom find a way to describe how he feels, the words sticking in his throat and refusing to budge. 

He’s become better with it over the years by virtue of becoming a father and an adult, he’s a far ways away from where he started years ago. No longer holding everything in until it tears him to shreds, but he needs practice still. Growing up the way he did, with expectations and responsibilities always looming over him, made it far easier to bottle things in or set them aside rather than voicing them.

Eddie taught himself to talk out his thoughts and emotions with Chris, making sure to set a good example for his son. He talks to Chris about grief and love and fear, in small portions and words carefully chosen to show his son that he is allowed to feel things and voice them too. He tells Chris that he loves him often, and he’s never had any trouble expressing that love and gratitude for his little boy, but that talent seems to extend only to Chris and things that have to do with his well being. Outside of matters connecting to his son’s happiness and safety, Eddie has a harder time voicing his feelings. Especially when they connected to Eddie’s happiness and well being.

Eddie struggles with waves of grief that crash over him without prior warning, and he still tells his abuela that he’s fine when she asks. He feels exhausted between work, house chores, and being a single parent, yet brushes off Hen’s concern with a smile. His heart is overtaken with longing when Buck does something endearing, but he shakes his head and laughs it off when Buck asks Something on my face? 

He acknowledges these feelings, he just doesn’t necessarily know how to voice them yet. Be it to ask for help or to tell a certain someone that their smile makes Eddie’s days more bearable. This isn’t a new problem, but it’s one he’s only been working through over the past two years or so. Eddie is getting better at it, he is, but some things can’t wait for him to work through every learned behavior and every wall he put up to protect himself. And so, Eddie decides to take action where words fail him.

It’s a simple enough solution, really. 

Eddie knows his heart and the way it beats differently whenever he’s around Buck, and if he can’t outright tell Buck how he feels then he can show him. He made the realization about his feelings quite some time ago and spent hours in his own head since; examining every moment from different angles and thinking through what it all means. He reaches a conclusion, after months of carefully not putting a name to what he feels, when it all comes crashing down around him soon after the train wreck and his run-in with Abby. 

The protectiveness Eddie felt that day towards Buck was a fierce thing that couldn’t be ignored. Eddie wanted to grab Buck and shield him from hurt. He wanted to hold his face and ask what Buck needed Eddie to do. He wanted to tell Buck that he loved him, and that Eddie and Chris would never walk away from him. Every thought and emotion that came after that day resonated throughout Eddie’s body and lived in every part of him. He couldn’t tame the feelings or leave them unnamed. 

Eddie loves Buck. He loves him fiercely and completely, the way you can only love someone you know like your own heart. 

Eddie knows this beyond a doubt. He names the feeling and sits with it for a while, then embraces it and makes his decision. He loves Buck, and he thinks -hopes, really- that Buck might feel the same way. And so, all Eddie has to do now is show Buck, if he can’t outright tell him. 

He has to put his heart out there to be weighed and measured, and to hopefully not be found wanting. So. Piece of cake.

-------

The problem with trying to woo Evan Buckley is that Evan Buckley seems to have absolutely no fucking clue when he’s being wooed. It isn’t because Buck is oblivious or unaware, but the fact that they’re as close as they are makes any attempt at typical romance futile. Eddie asks Buck out for dinner but it ends up being another Tuesday night with them having dinner and drinks like they do every other week. He allows himself to be tactile, brushing against Buck more as they walk, or putting a hand to his arm, but quickly realizes that these touches aren’t out of the ordinary. In fact, they’re so tactile that it’s habit now and Eddie only noticed just how tactile they are when he tried to up the ante. Next, Eddie tries to cook them dinner and it turns into a memorable night of him and Buck and Chris cooking together, and his son and best friend gently teasing Eddie about his cooking skills all evening. He even tries complimenting Buck’s shirt, an endeavor that earns him a knowing look from Hen and a smirk from Chim, only to have Buck smile bashfully and duck his head with mumbled thanks. 

Eddie’s most recent attempt was to bring Buck flowers when he and Chris visited him for game night a couple of weeks ago. However Buck took the flowers from Chris with a beaming smile and a comment on how the Diazes always knew how to brighten up a place. Chris went into an excited spiel about gardening and growing flowers at school with his teacher which Buck listened to with rapt attention and a wide smile, and that had been the end of that.

None of the little casual steps to dating someone would work on Buck, and Eddie quickly realizes that the reason behind it is that he and Buck have been doing almost everything a couple would do for a long time now. They’re too intertwined for a dinner invitation or casual touches to spell out romance. Every attempt he makes at a gesture ends with Buck giving Eddie grateful smiles and warm looks, but remaining completely unaware of Eddie’s intentions. Making Buck happy and spending time with him is always a triumph, but Eddie’s heart aches with the need for more. To hold Buck’s hand, and kiss him, and whisper to him all the things Eddie would never tell anyone else.

“You’re being very quiet tonight,” Buck says, nudging Eddie gently until Eddie looks at him. They are at Eddie’s apartment as is the habit these day when they’re both off from work. Chris is stretched out on the couch between them, watching a movie with his head resting on Eddie’s lap and his legs stretched out towards Buck.

“Just thinking,” Eddie shrugs with a half smile, willing his voice to remain steady and casual.

“Really, is Mulan giving you a lot to think about just now?” Buck asks in a teasing tone which draws a laugh out of Eddie. He has lost count of how many times he and Buck have sat through the same Disney movies with Chris. Eddie tends to use the time to tune out and occasionally rest his eyes for a bit, while Buck makes comments and exchanges looks with Eddie when Chris laughs at them.

“It’s a very serious movie,” Eddie answers gravely and relishes Buck’s amused grin. Buck focuses back on the movie -always far more invested than he’d like to let on- and Eddie takes the opportunity to look at him. The ease with which Buck inhabits this space, the gentle upturn of his lips, and the laughing looks he shoots Eddie when Chris giggles at something. 

The entire evening so far has been another domestic night that Eddie wouldn’t trade for the world.

Earlier, Eddie has watched with quiet amusement as Buck reacted dramatically to Chris’s comments about the movie before this one. Eddie had been so entertained by their combined theatrics that he had relented at the end of the first movie and allowed a second one for the night. Now Eddie looks between them and feels his heart bursting with warmth. His hand itches to reach for Buck’s hand and he fights the urge down for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. 

Buck shoots him a questioning look as if sensing Eddie’s eyes on him. Buck’s lips twitch again into another smile that Eddie isn’t sure what to make of, but it gets Eddie smiling too. They go on that way for a while, slowly exchanging longer looks until neither of them is looking at the screen anymore.

“TV is that way,” Buck remarks lightly after a little while, tone still teasing and a little playful. Eddie loves him like this, with mirth in his eyes and a boyish smile. “You should be watching the movie.”

“The boss is asleep, so I’ll get away with it,” Eddie says, gesturing at a now-sleeping Chris. 

Buck laughs softly and rests one hand on the headrest between them. He looks down and bites his lower lip -immediately drawing Eddie’s eyes there- then shoots another unreadable look at Eddie. 

“You gonna tell me what you’re actually thinking about now?”

Eddie mulls this over for a few seconds then figures -sure, why the hell not. 

“Let me take Chris inside and then we’ll see about that.” Eddie answers and appreciates that Buck accepts this with an easy hum. 

They work around each other in perfect harmony; Eddie scooping Chris up in his arms to take him to his bedroom, while Buck pauses the movie and starts cleaning up. By the time Eddie comes back outside, Buck has moved to the kitchen and is putting leftovers away in the fridge. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Eddie says as he always does and gets rewarded with an eyeroll from Buck. Eddie falls into place next to Buck, silently doing the dishes and mulling over what to say. This too is a familiar dance for them; easily working together be it at a rescue mission or at home to make dinner or clean up. 

Eddie finishes up then turns around to watch Buck’s back as he puts things away. If usual dating steps won’t cut it for making his feelings known, then Eddie will have to voice how he feels. Outright tell Buck what he’s thinking. He could kiss Buck and that should say it all but a small barrier of doubt holds Eddie back. He needs to know that Buck wants this as much as Eddie does before taking that leap. 

“I’ve been trying to date someone,” Eddie blurts out before he can overthink it, then realizes that he said someone instead of you and closes his eyes in quiet despair. Old habits.

“Oh,” Buck frowns and puts down the two beers he had just retrieved. He looks away long enough to get the bottle opener, but when he turns back it’s with a smile. Eddie thinks it looks forced. “That’s great. Is that what got you all quiet? And what do you mean trying?”

“I mean I keep doing dating stuff but it won’t stick. All the dating things I’m doing are being read as friendship.” Eddie elaborates a bit, curious to see if Buck will catch on.

“What kinda stuff?” Buck hands over Eddie’s bottle but keeps some space between them. Eddie is now positive that the smile and cheer are forced. His stomach does a little sweep at the implication.

“Giving compliments, going out for dinner, cooking together, spending the day together, long phone calls -you name it,” Eddie keeps his voice steady, fully sure that Buck will catch on by the end and feeling his heartbeat double its speed. Buck blinks at Eddie then takes a long swig of beer.

“Cooking together sounds really serious,” Buck volunteers with a measured tone, “but I guess it can be read as friendship depending on the situation. Although if you have done all these other things and she still doesn’t get it, you should just say something. Or buy her flowers.”

Eddie almost starts laughing at the memory of Buck thanking Chris for the flowers Eddie bought Buck a couple of weeks ago. 

“Did the flowers thing too,” Eddie raises his eyebrows and can no longer bite down an amused smile.

“Damn, that didn’t work?” Buck sounds genuinely offended now on Eddie’s behalf which makes the whole thing funnier. “How could that not have worked?”

“Well, it apparently didn’t spill out what I wanted it to, but it brought on a smile so no loss there.” Eddie answers truthfully then feels his chest squeeze tight when Buck’s face falls. “You really have no idea what I’m talking about, huh?”

Buck gives a weak smile at that and shrugs. 

“Guess I wasn’t as caught up on your life as I thought I was, Eddie.”

Eddie knows every expression Buck wears and has cataloged every look and smile Buck has shared in his presence, so he knows that everything about Buck at the moment screams of insecurity and false cheer. Eddie can’t stand the thought of making Buck feel that way.

“How did you like the flowers I brought you two weeks ago?” Eddie says conversationally. 

“They were beautiful,” Buck’s eyebrows shoot up at the sudden change in conversation but his face breaks into a real smile. “lilies and roses. I tried to keep them alive as long as I could.”

“And the dinner I cooked for you a week before that, did you like that too?”

“Chris and I did most of the cooking,” Buck rolls his eyes but laughs; the conversation being one they’ve had several times already. “But if you want to call chopping stuff up cooking for someone, then be my-”

Buck trails off towards the end of his sentence. Realization finally -finally- dawning. 

“Oh.” Buck says, and then, “Eddie?”

“I’ve been trying to date you,” Eddie states, the words springing into the air between them and anxiously waiting for Buck’s response. “I think we skipped the usual dating stage but I had to try for it. To properly date you.”

“You had to try,” Buck repeats, tone disbelieving but with an undercurrent of laughter “To date me. Because..?”

“Because I like you, Buck,” Eddie breathes out, the words expanding through his chest and almost mocking him with how much of an understatement they are. “I like you a lot. Enough to buy flowers and attempt cooking and agonize over how to tell you that green makes you look great. Hell, if I liked you less I might have been able to say something sooner.”

Love. If I loved you less, Eddie thinks, but doesn’t say it yet.

Buck is almost gaping by the time Eddie is done talking. He blinks a few times in quick succession, and then finally ducks his head with the most beautiful smile Eddie has seen to date.

“I like you too,” Buck says quietly, then laughs at Eddie’s questioning look, “A stupid, embarrassing amount. Shit. If I had known that’s what the flowers and the compliments were for. Eddie, I’d have-” Buck lets out a slow breath, “I just couldn’t let myself hope. I wanted it too much.”

Eddie finally breeches the few steps between them and moves to plant himself in front of Buck. He reaches up a hand to cup Buck’s jaw and run his thump against the stubble on Buck’s cheek.

“Will you go out on a date with me, Buck?” Eddie asks warmly, his eyes not leaving Buck’s face and his smiling lips for a second.

“Yeah. Yes,” Buck grins, “And I think I owe you dinner for-” Buck shrugs, “Taking this long to get it.”

“Get it? I literally had to tell you,” Eddie points out laughingly, because he might be dying to kiss Buck but it’s his duty as Buck’s best friend to never let him live this down. 

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Buck groans and squeezes his eyes shut before giving an exasperated sigh. “I guess I owe you flowers too and-”

Eddie never gets to hear what else he’s owed because his self control finally snaps and he kisses Buck mid-sentence. It’s messy at first but so exhilarating that Eddie feels a rush through his body. He pulls back momentarily to look at Buck and finds him smiling blissfully with his eyes closed. 

Eddie swoops in for another kiss, this one slower and lasting longer. He runs a hand through Buck’s hair, grabs gently at his cheek with the other, while Buck’s own hands press against the small of Eddie’s back and occasionally roam to his waist.

When they break apart, they’re both panting for breath and smiling. Buck rests his forehead against Eddie’s for a few heartbeats, and one of his hands comes up to cup Eddie’s jaw. 

“I forgot what I was going to say,” Buck laughs.

“Doesn’t matter,” Eddie kisses the corner of Buck’s mouth and relishes the smile it draws. “We have plenty of time for you to remember. Maybe on our next date.” 

Eddie punctuates that statement with another kiss. 

Buck, seemingly no longer interested in words, hums his assent then kisses Eddie hungrily, effectively ensuring that Eddie forgets his words too for the moment. Eddie thinks that it isn’t such a loss because he now knows how to show Buck his feelings, and he knows that -when he needs them again- the words will be there for Eddie to tell Buck just how much he feels about him.

Eddie’s chest thrums with excitement at the prospect of a future spent telling Evan Buckley how much he loves him, but he elects to let their kisses do the talking for now. There will be plenty of time for words later.

AO3 link in reblogs!

[halinski]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Karen Wilson, Nia Wilson Additional Tags: Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Demisexuality, Sexuality, Established Relationship, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Worried Eddie Diaz, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Sexuality Crisis, Implied/Referenced Sex, Sex Repulsion, sex repulsed buck, Internalized Acephobia, coming to terms with asexuality, Coming Out Summary:

Sex was always just a thing Buck did. It was a part of life. But once he gets together with Eddie, he's asked what he really wants, and if he even likes sex in itself apart from the intimacy and pleasing his partner.

Buck dives into Asexuality

---

big thanks to @aloha-wolves who made this possible with the support!!

----

11 year old Buck wasn't stupid. He may have been impatient and distracted and unfocused but he wasn't a complete moron. He knew how to follow social cues. 

See, when you were Different™ from the start studying human behavior and social cues was a survival strategy. He'd figured it out by then. Fairytales read by Maddie from the earliest age, and all the countless books after clearly stated some of the rules. Romance was a must. It a bond between a woman and a man that every human strived for, and when Buck saw the kids in his class at school start to focus heavily on the subject of sexuality, he knew he had to step up.his game.

Personally he wasn't intrigued by all. Not by girls or the thoughts of kisses or naked bodies. The word sex just left a bitter taste in his mouth. Like licorice. But any additional personality trait that wasn't 'normal' was a risk. Buck didn't want to be forgotten, kicked to the curb and judged. He already knew he wasn't like everyone else. He had to make sure he fit in.

Luckily, he had an older sister. So he asked Maddie, what the heck he was supposed to do about girls. She had laughed, teased him a little, but eventually saw his frustration and sat him down.

"Be bold." That's what she had said, and Buck was nothing if not adventurous and daring, seeking the thrill- anything that kept his mind from wandering and running itself into a rut. Buck knew how to open his mouth when he needed to.

Half a year later; he had his first kiss. It was uncomfortable, as most social interactions were. One could never really know what was going on inside another person's head. But Buck was determined and learned studiously (when it wasn't for school), and if he had to trade some of his time spent alone with his books or exploring the forest to be normal, so be it.

He never quite understood the desires behind it all, but he knew the steps to the dance, and he played his cards well. Maybe he was a late bloomer, but he wouldn't let anyone notice if that proved to be true. 

As the years went on... Buck just figured, maybe the feelings were too subtle for him to pinpoint. Maybe he hadn't met the right person. After all, he was a free spirit. No one quite understood him. But none of that mattered.

He knew how to tell what objectively 'hot' and 'sexy' was. He learned how to read the looks women threw him well. Then he'd discovered a whole other spectrum to sexuality and the first time he kissed a boy, his heart had fluttered in a way like never before. It hadn't turned out to be the breakthrough he'd hoped for, but Buck knew how to please. He'd studied the ways of body and mind and he knew how to make others feel good.

Buck was young. The rest would come. He was supposed to be finding himself and sleeping around, exploring and putting his looks to good use. Maybe he'd find what sex and love meant along the way.

It was just life.

(Nevermind that he always had the urge to flee after getting into a girl's pants, or that he'd used weed as an escape so much that he'd have to be high to do it for a few years. 

Nevermind that he'd have to steel himself and liked to retreat to some foggy place in his mind, where nothing mattered, nothing but physical sensations, which weren't that bad.

Nevermind that he found himself needing more and more, needing the high of peaking pleasure between him and someone else, just to mask the terrible gut feeling that built up after.

Nevermind that he started losing himself in it, losing sight of any personal goals, especially when he'd had to give up weed because of his new job.

He found some peace eventually. Between the thrill of risking his life to save others, finding family in the crew, and deciding to stay far from other people's beds.)

-

29 year old Buck was quite mature, if he could say so himself. He had finally, finally, fallen head over heels in love. So much so, that he had been afraid to act on it. He hadn't been that afraid of just a kiss since… ever. Not even his first kiss had caused him so many heart attacks and sleepless nights.

Suddenly, he was made to question everything he thought he had learned. That's how he knew it was real. He had fallen in love.

With Eddie Diaz.

He’d endured over 6 months of what he had perceived as unrequited love with his best friend - he hadn't even had a best friend for over a decade - only to find out that Eddie had actually been so painfully obvious with his own crush on Buck that the whole station knew before Buck did. See, Eddie didn’t make the ridiculous bedroom eyes while dressed in tight clothes in dim nightclub lighting. Nor did he ever invite Buck for coffee as a date. That was simply because Eddie didn’t do nightclubs and well, Buck and him had coffee and beer and dinner and lunch and breakfast and everything in between all the time together already as friends. They talked on the phone and covered each other’s meals and even bought each other groceries sometimes. (Although that last one was usually Buck on his way to Eddie's house.)

But he realized eventually that all those things he had done with Abby while dating her. The phone calls and the spending time together and doing stuff for each other. Just without the ridiculous sweet talk and the kissing and the sex. 

It was funny in retrospect.

(After Eddie had grabbed Buck’s face when he had been mumbling about all the bullshit reasons he hadn’t voiced his feelings; after he had said, “I can’t believe you’re making me make the first move"; after he had kissed Buck senseless; after they had talked about what it meant.)

Now Buck got to do everything he did before, and he got to kiss Eddie whenever he felt like it, even sneaky kisses when no one was looking at the station, and he got to hold his hand and touch, and he got to call Eddie ‘my sunshine’.

(The face Eddie made when Buck said that was priceless.)

He also got to rile Eddie up, whisper those things that made him blush cherry red, tease him with vivid images of things he’d done in South America where he’d explored the world and himself with abandon and lots of glitter. He got to make Eddie moan and shudder beneath his hands, got to watch him fall apart. He liked that.

What he didn’t like was the look Eddie sometimes gave him before Buck distracted him with his mouth. (Eddie always loved that last part.)

They were making out on the couch one late night long after a joint dinner and a movie with Chris and it was nice. It was always a good time with Eddie. Make outs most often lead to sex though and Buck didn’t hesitate to take the lead, slipping a hand beneath Eddie’s shirt to meet his abs.

Only for Eddie to grab his wrist.

Buck looked up quizzically.

"What's up?” He asked, pulling his hand back and lifting himself higher from above his boyfriend. “Not in the mood?”

Eddie blinked at him and shook his head a little. 

“No, that’s not it…. I promise,” he reassured as Buck narrowed his eyes. "We can definitely postpone that for later but first we have to-"

"Don't say talk," Buck pleaded. To no avail.

"Yes, talk."

"What is there to talk about? Everything is going great."

"Usually, I have to beg for you to shut up for once," Eddie said with a huff.

Buck easily took the bait, grinning. He leaned closer. "I love hearing you beg."

Eddie's eyebrows did a little dance and Buck knew he'd gotten his attention but unfortunately that didn't deter his boyfriend from his ultimate goal, face settling into determination again.

"But what if I were to make you beg?" Eddie asked simply.

Buck frowned.

"See, that! That's what we have to talk about."

Buck withdrew completely this time, not really sure why his anxiety was suddenly ramping up but feeling like he'd been caught cheating on a test.

"What, just because I…" He found himself unsure of what to say. He felt the couch shift as Eddie rearranged himself but Buck stubbornly stared at the carpet.

"Buck," Eddie's voice was soft and yet firm, and somehow that made it worse. He swallowed heavily.

"Do you even like this? Being physically intimate with me, I mean. The sex...and all that?" Eddie asked.

Buck scoffed, shoulders squaring up.

"Of course I do. You know I love you." It was a truth that rang bitter after the launched accusation. His fists curled and uncurled on his thighs, unable to contain his agitation.

"Yes, I know. I know," Eddie quickly said, reaching over to take those hands and smooth them out. "Hey, look at me… I know that and I love you, too. Okay?"

Buck eventually met his insistent stare and found himself breathing lighter again, when he observed his sincerity. He breathed out.

"Okay," Buck breathed and leaned in slightly in search of physical reassurance. Which Eddie gave, as always. There to ground him. He pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and ghosted a thumb over his chin when he pulled back.

"But," Eddie started up again, holding firm to Buck's hands when he tried to pull away again. "We have to talk."

Closing his eyes, Buck heaved a sigh.

"How about you just listen to me, for a sec, hm? We can start there. I'll tell you what I think is the problem and why it's important to me, my experiences and all I ask is for you to think about it. Can we do that?"

It didn't sound like a fun time. Buck knew the rules, he knew the procedures, he didn't mind those. But he didn't want to think about the feelings he was supposed to have, or about the feelings he was trying not to have. He had hoped he had done right. But obviously he hadn't. He'd messed up somewhere. 

Buck swallowed hard. 

What was he supposed to do though? Make a scene? That would reveal his weakness further. This was Eddie. It would kill him to mess this up.

"Buck," Eddie whispered and Buck steeled himself, padding his disposition with dry amusement. Of course he couldn't hide from Eddie. This man could see through him like glass and yet he did it in a way that didn't make him shatter. He was safe.

Buck nodded quickly, before his vulnerability could render him to tears before this conversation even started. Breathing in deep through his nose, he cleared his throat.

"I'll listen," he said as loud as he dared, but kept his skittering gaze away from Eddie's eyes, afraid he'd falter.

"Thank you." Eddie lifted his hands to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. There was something so tender about the way Eddie held and handled him that almost made Buck believe that he deserved it. Sometimes that warmth in his chest felt way too grand to wrap his head around but one thing was for sure: Buck was always ready to give every fiber of his being for Eddie and Chris. He was here to grow and learn and reach his best potential.

Buck leaned back against the couch and settled in, trying to relax his body as far as he could. Eddie had definitely become far more open and vulnerable with his emotions than he always claimed he’d been raised to be. And Buck definitely knew how to appreciate that. Now, it was his turn to try- or at the very least, hear Eddie out.

“You know well enough by now, that Shannon was my only relationship, ever. That it started as a clumsy teenage attempt at dating and we just clung to each other for safety. It was all a little awkward but whose first relationship isn’t? Then again, even back then I kept feeling like I was a little different from other guys, other people. When it came to love and relationships and all that. I could never understand flings and spontaneous hookups, one night stands… I would get whiplash hearing about other people’s experiences.” Eddie spoke with a calm voice. It came across resolved, as if he had found peace with his past. 

Buck on the other hand, felt like his insides were twisting themselves into a million knots as he was reminded of his similar teenage years and the conflict and frustration they had caused. There was though, also a stubborn streak of hope that shot through him like an arrow, causing Buck to glance up to Eddie from his hanging posture. The yearning for the answer to these problems was strong. Maybe Eddie could teach him about that link he was missing.

“It didn’t seem to matter that much back then. My parents were, as with everything else, traditional and conservative about relationships and sex. We didn’t talk about those things. They didn’t even show much affection to each other in front of anyone. And then, I had Shannon and things worked with her. Expectations were met and I enjoyed being with her. After highschool though… things started getting more complicated.”

Eddie’s thoughtful gaze rises to meet Buck’s eyes. Eyes that were a whirlwind of feelings Buck had never dared to fully entertain. His heart was beating so high up his throat every breath felt a little weary but Buck nodded silently for Eddie to continue.

“With the distance during college and my tours, we just grew apart. That only led to more fights and less of a bond, and I started to realize that the further away I felt emotionally, the harder it was for me to engage in intimacy. I watched the other guys react differently to their partners, or talk about attraction to strangers, and it was all just not making sense. I didn’t have the capacity at that point in time to figure things out, so I just chalked it up to the outer circumstances; trust issues from my childhood and the rigid parenting, and the… experiences while I was deployed.”

Eddie sighed, looking down at his lap for a moment before he lifted his chin again with new energy. 

“It was only in the years when Shannon had left that I eventually put two and two together. At first I was convinced I just wasn’t looking for anything because all I wanted was to be there for Chris but I mean, I was still kind of lonely. I hate that word but it is what it is,” Eddie said with a rueful smile, shrugging one shoulder. “I eventually started going online, contemplating online dating or whatever, but I somehow ended up reading up on other people’s experiences on forums and after multiple hours of rabbit holes, I came across these descriptions and solid definitions of exactly the kind of thing I felt.”

“It turns out,” Eddie emphasized, taking Buck’s hand in his again at this, “that not everyone is as obsessed with sex as society might like to make you think. There are different kinds of attraction and people experience varying levels of them. It’s all as normal as the rest, if one is more or less romantically or sexually attracted to others. I, personally, am demisexual, which means I don’t experience sexual attraction to others until I have an emotional bond with them- like with you.”

At this point, Buck was feeling ready to shatter. Every next breath threatened to break the fragile thread holding him together. There were already two tears or so that have escaped him, and Buck wasn’t usually ashamed to cry but the panic in him was too great, almost as high as the flooding relief. He didn’t know what he was supposed to believe or trust in.

Eddie squeezed his hand.

“Is this- does it make any sense? I’ve never really talked to anyone about this before, but I just wanted you to know that it’s okay. I mean, maybe I’m wrong and it’s not this at all, but I hate-” Eddie took a deep breath, “I really hate the thought of you forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to. For me. Not that I want to assume anything, because everyone implies that you would have a lot of hookups before and all that, so maybe you actually do enjoy it, and maybe we have to figure out how to make it right between us but… I do feel like there’s an imbalance, like I get more out of this. And like you sometimes kind of shut down after we do something, almost as if it… hurts you.”

Buck definitely couldn’t bring himself to look at Eddie anymore at this point, the guilt tying him heavily down to the couch. He didn’t even feel able to really respond to the light grip on his hand. It was rare to hear Eddie ramble like that, and Buck hated being the one to make him feel that way, like Eddie was doing something wrong. Like Eddie was the problem. When it was just Buck himself all along. Unable to do sex right, unable to hide the bad feelings from Eddie, unable to be open with him and forcing Eddie through this situation.

“Buck I-”

He could feel Eddie’s gaze on him, sense his sadness acutely. Buck wiped his sleeve over his face in an attempt to dry the waterfall, but his sniffles thundered in his ears regardless.

“You don’t need to say anything or do anything right now. I just want for you to be able to be more comfortable with all this one day. So, just- keep this in mind. I love you. With all my heart and soul. That’s a fact regardless of sex. We don’t need sex to lead our best lives together. I don’t want this to keep hurting you.”

A silence settled over them like weighted slime. Or maybe it was just Buck. He didn’t know how to react. It felt like it had been an hour since Buck had last said anything and he didn’t want to be a passive spectator in such an important discussion about them. After all, didn’t most people say sex was necessary for a successful, happy relationship? What if they gave it up and Eddie was wrong and they fell apart? It would be all Buck’s fault. He would never want to risk that.

“I don’t-” Buck started, but paused when he realized he had no idea what he even wanted to tell Eddie. Apparently a part of him was really considering what it would be like to give up sex. It wasn’t like he knew much about a life without it. Sure, there had been that time with Abby, where they dated without sex, and the close friendship with Eddie before they had taken the extra step toward a relationship… But sex was always the step that drew full circle.

“There are resources out there. You can read up on it and give yourself time to figure it out. But we’ll find a way together, alright? Trust me. We’ll figure this out,” Eddie assured, and proceeded to draw Buck into a hug.

Buck went along willingly, sinking against Eddie’s shoulder, hiding in his chest. He was exhausted. Just letting things rest for a while sounded good. Eddie’s hand brushed his cheek dry and then there was a soft press of lips on his temple.

"It'll be okay. I promise."

-

Buck spent the next few days keeping his distance. He needed to wrap his head around this first before he could focus on giving Christopher his all and Eddie- well, he was a little unsure about how he was supposed to act around him when the two of them were on their own. Not knowing if he might be rejected again when he started another physical advance, he was cautious about engaging anything at all.

He also spent his time alone by letting his thoughts spiral, because he couldn't get a grasp on them, and feeling horrible. Consciously thinking about sexual topics just did that, and focusing on it for days… it made him pretty miserable. He wished he could hide from himself in Eddie's arms. That usually worked. But Eddie had asked this of him and Buck couldn't just ignore that. He had to try.

Or run away again. Maybe Seattle this time. That would be different enough to distract him from missing Eddie and Christopher, and his team, Maddie…

The thought alone made him nauseous. Running away was bad. He'd done it a few times and gained from it, but he was in a much better place now. He didn't want to run away for once.

He had to confront it head on, which meant going to the person who knew best: Karen. Approaching anyone at the station was too nerve-racking after all, with all they always said about his early days at the station. So he ended up keeping it a secret, arranging a date and time with Karen while Hen was at work and he was off.

Buck had no idea how much Karen knew about his sexual exploits but he assumed Hen had shared her view of things with her. So that didn't take much of his anxiety away, but he definitely didn't want to talk to a stranger so here he was, sitting next to Karen in their living room, drinking tea. Nia was playing on the rug to their side and Buck was itching to join her instead.

"I would say speak when you're ready but you've been sitting there silently for 5 minutes already. It's the longest I've seen you quiet and it's starting to worry me," Karen said and Buck knew she was teasing. The light pressure to speak up did its job, though, giving him the freedom to spill his thoughts.

He sighed, staring into the mug between his hands.

"Eddie and I," he started. "Eddie said something recently… and I'm not sure what to think about it. A part of me… thinks he's probably right but then it's also… it also just feels impossible."

Karen's forehead creased as she gazed at him. "Are you two okay?"

Buck was quick to open his mouth to defend but then reconsidered. He shook his head.

"I mean… I hope so? I thought we were but…"

"But?"

"Eddie told me he's demisexual," Buck said, peering up at Hen. His own potential label still refused to come out.

Karen hummed.

"And you're not sure how to feel about that?" She guessed.

"No, I didn't have any problem with it. I'm glad he could tell me because I had no idea. Like, I know he was reserved about his dating and especially sex life but now I can understand why. It's more that…"

Buck lifted a hand helplessly as the words left him again. This time Karen waited patiently, gaze soft and open as he knew it to be. It was insistent though, urging him to voice what he came here for.

"He brought all that up because he thinks… he thinks I might be ace." Buck's hands tightened around his mug, though not even the warmth was much of a comfort. He felt overexposed and small, as if his body was too big for him and he didn't have all the controls.

"That hit a nerve, did it?" Karen asked softly. All Buck could manage was a tense nod. 

"You know you don't have to figure it all out at once, right?" Karen's hand settled over Buck's right one and he looked up to find her soothing smile.

"You've done this before, just in a different way. It takes time to find out every little piece of yourself. Figuring out if you're on the asexual spectrum and what it means for you and your relationship will take a while. It's something you have to work on, make yourself comfortable with before you know for sure. Maybe you'll never want to use a distinct label. That's okay, too."

Once she started addressing it specifically, Buck found he couldn't look away, eagerly drinking up everything she had to say like a desert desperate for rainfall.

"You have to allow yourself to fill this space, too. Give yourself room to breathe and be who you are. There are so many ways to be asexual and all of them are just as valid as being allosexual," she continued.

Buck breathed. "That actually is really good to hear," he said quietly, voice trembling.

"You'll be okay. You're finding to yourself. This is good," she assured him, settling back. "And you're with someone who understands, who sees you for who you are. You have support all around you."

"And Eddie and I- we can still work, right? I mean I know I read about relationships that… That- but I just…"

"Of course. Your relationship can be whatever you want it to be. You two decide that. There are no official requirements you have to meet. You make the rules," Karen interrupted.

"Okay." Buck nodded, finally relaxing enough to settle back in his chair. "I think… I needed to hear that."

"Anytime, Buck," Karen replied and he knew she meant it. His attention was already starting to wander though as relief lifted the weight off his shoulders, towards the adorable little toddler to his right.

"Now for some fun times!" He declared as he sunk down to join the girl in her game of building blocks. "Hey, Nia. Can I play too?"

Nia let out bubbling approval as she held up a yellow block at Buck. He grinned and accepted the gift.

"Aw, thanks! I love yellow!"

Nia clapped and then pointed at her construction, clearly instructing Buck on where to put his block. He obliged and she nodded eagerly, clapping for him.

"Yes! Beautiful. I can already see it. This will be the new Eiffel tower. Bigger, better," Buck marveled, letting the giddy happiness of being in such young life's presence take over him. Nia responded in turn with her own sunshine smile, holding up the next block. A purple.

"Hey, while you're at it, do you mind if you watch her for a few minutes while I go have a nice warm bath?" Karen asked, ready to seize the opportunity.

Buck turned to her with a laugh. "It would be my pleasure. I owe you one after all."

He was quick to turn back to Nia, and only peripherally noticed Karen leaving the room. 

--

That night was as good a night as any, Buck figured. If it would take him a longer time to figure it out, he might as well settle into the discomfort and make a place there. He would embrace it. It was a part of him. There was no need to make things more difficult and terrifying than they needed to be.

After a thorough workout and shower, he drove home - Eddie's house, his home - and let himself in. That was how sturdy they already were. They made living together work as if they had been doing it forever. It just felt right. That confidence was what Buck needed to take to deal with this new path.

He found Eddie in the living room, folding laundry and instead of just returning the greeting thrown at him, he immediately went in for a hug, wrapping his arms around Eddie from behind.

"Thank you," he breathed against the back of his neck, a kiss and confession all at once. 

Eddie's hands settled over his and he first only turned his head toward him.

"What's this for?" He asked, just as quietly; mellow, safe, home, love.

Buck buried his face in his nape. He didn't know how he could even put it into words. He had spent the last few hours trying to figure it out.

"For giving me the opportunity to be fully me… with the parts of me that I had forgotten- hadn't even realized they were there," he then settled on, tongue feeling especially clumsy and heart beating in his throat. He hoped his tone could convey his meaning instead. He wasn't sure how else to explain if Eddie didn't get it.

Luckily, this was Eddie they were talking about.

The man turned around in Buck's arms, forcing them to loosen for a second. Buck's eyes remained closed, even as Eddie cradled his cheeks in his palms and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"I see you, Evan Buckley," he told him. Buck had to swallow hard before he dared open his eyes but he knew he had too, because his heart was too full to contain all emotion. "And I love all of you."

And Buck soared.

[mychemicalrachel]

Finally, Finally

Buck x Eddie.

My take on Abby coming back.

Part /3.

Part One. / Part Two.

Word count; 2040

Also on Ao3

Part Three: Eddie

“In case something happens…”

Those were the exact words Captain Nash had used nearly a year and a half ago when Eddie first joined the 118.

Exchanging keys was a small, simple way to say “I got your back” in case something happened on a call. It was no secret that they had a dangerous job and there was no use tiptoeing around the fact.

In case something happened.

In case you don’t make it out alive.

In case someone has to clean out your place and notify your next of kin.

It was morbid, in a way, but it was also a comfort.

On the ring that Eddie uses, there’s a little orange keychain that reads “Best Dad Ever” and a key to his truck, his house, his abuela’s house, and one dedicated to every one of the members of the 118.

They each had one for his house, too.

If pressed, Eddie would admit that he wasn’t sure what key fit what door. He thinks Hen’s might have been the silver key with the ridged top, and Chimney’s was probably the one that was marked with a messy H in Sharpie.

The only key he knew with absolute certainty was the gold key that showed more wear with each passing day. That one was Buck’s. It hung right between his own house key and the keychain Christopher had picked out for him two Christmases ago.

Then again, Buck gets enough use out of his copy of Eddie’s key to make it a fair trade.

When Abby had manifested like a mirage outside of Bucks’ door, Eddie had recognized her immediately. Not necessarily from look, as he’d only seen a photo of her one or two times, but from some weird sixth sense. Maybe it was her fading red hair or the way she held herself-- he had heard stories of her, fairy tale-like musings, from Buck and Carla alike. 

Until he stood face to face with her-- her just outside Buck’s apartment, Eddie inside-- he had sort of thought of her as a figment of imagination. Not that she wasn’t real, exactly, but more like the real her was lost somewhere amidst the memories. She had become a story, not a person.

And then she smiled quietly. “I’m looking for Buck.”

Eddie could see in the softness of her eyes and imagined the way Buck must have felt once upon a time; loving her, losing her.

Eddie hated her profusely.

He led her into the kitchen and left them alone to talk-- or not talk-- as they saw fit. It was none of his business, after all.

“Dad,” Christopher’s voice pulls him out of his own head. They’re eating leftover lasagna, just the two of them, in the living room. The couch is colder than it usually feels and he chalks it up to the coming winter. LA is warm, but it’s a change from Texas he’s still adapting to. Chris prods at his plate, mostly untouched. “Why did Buck want us to leave?”

“Oh, Bud, no.” Eddie feels guilty suddenly. “Buck didn’t want us to leave. The woman that showed up, she was a friend of his that he hadn’t seen in awhile. I just thought they needed some time alone.”

“Why?”

Eddie isn’t sure he can explain it to himself, let alone his son. “Well, they haven’t seen each other in a long time. They need to catch up.”

“But why did we have to leave?”

Eddie frowns.

Buck didn’t tell them to leave. He actively wanted them to stay.

It was Eddie that freaked out and fled.

Because the idea of listening to Buck catch up with his ex-girlfriend sounded like hell on earth.

Because he didn’t want to see Buck inevitably fall back in love with her.

Because of things he wasn’t quite ready to face in himself.

Eddie decides to sidestep the question. “We’ll see him tomorrow, I promise”

Christopher takes the non-answer as it is, and says, “Okay.”

Eddie forces himself to take another bite of food, though it tastes stale on his tongue and settles dry in his stomach.

Minutes tick by as both Christopher and Eddie stop pretending to eat and fall back on the couch together. They watch Big Hero 6 and laugh obligingly, but it feels forced.

It feels wrong.

This is how it’s been done for years, Eddie reminds himself. Just him and Christopher. This is normal. Still, the coldness of the couch seeps into his bones.

He hears the door close a second before he hears Buck’s voice. “Diazes!” he calls. “Where are you?”

“Buck!”

Chris struggles to sit up and manages to launch himself off the couch, making a beeline for the sound of the newcomers voice. Eddie follows suit and meets Buck in the dining room, where  he’s setting down a pizza box and scooping Christopher up into his arms.

“I hope I’m not too late,” Buck says, peering into the living room where two plates of cold lasagna sit, barely touched. “I promised you pizza, and I never break my promises.” He looks over at Eddie, a bit of uncertainty coloring his words. “I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s okay,” Christopher confirms, lifting the lid on the pizza box. He grabs a slice and disappears back in front of the TV.

“I would have called,” Buck says, leaning closer and lowering his voice, “But I was coming over whether you said yes or not.”

Eddie snorts. He retrieves a piece for himself, but leans against the table instead of joining his son. “You didn’t have to come over.”

“I wanted to.”

“I’m just saying,” Eddie stresses, trying to figure out for himself what exactly he is saying. “That I would have understood. You and Abby needed to catch up. I get it.”

“And we did,” Buck says, a shrug pulling at his shoulders while a smile tugs at his lips. “It was very cathartic.”

“Yeah?”

Eddie doesn’t want details. He does not want any details. He understands, as Buck’s best friend, that he should lend an ear. He should offer his congratulations. He chews quietly on his pizza and steels himself.

“She’s getting married.”

Oh.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Buck.”

Buck laughs and his entire face lights up. It’s a smile that’s always been contagious. “Why? I’m really happy for her.”

“You are?”

Buck nods. He leans against the table next to Eddie, their hands brushing together between them. Eddie does his best to ignore it.

“When she first said it, I was waiting for… I don’t know,” Buck shrugs with his entire torso, a gesture that jostles their shoulders together. Eddie curses silently. “I guess I was waiting on the pain. I expected it to hurt. But it didn’t. If she had told me that a year and a half ago, I would have been heartbroken.”

Buck sighs and intentionally presses his arm against Eddie’s, more than just an accidental brush of limbs. It remains there, skin to skin.

It’s almost as if he knows the sensation that the simple touch sends through Eddie, but he couldn’t possibly know. He couldn’t know the shiver that rolls up his spine, the goosebumps that arise on his forearm, the way his heart beats just a little bit faster.

Not unless Buck feels it, too.

He doesn’t move away.

“When Abby left,” Buck says, his voice quiet, meant for just the two of them to hear. Chris remains oblivious in the other room, mere yards away. Doesn’t he hear the static rushing in Eddie’s ears? Can he not hear the beating of Eddie’s heart pounding against his ribs?

“When I really accepted that she wasn’t planning on coming back,” Buck’s hands outstretch in front of him, grappling for something physical to hold onto. Some infinite emotion or thought that he’s trying his best to convey with spread fingers. Eddie wants to feel it, whatever it is that Buck is reaching for. “It was like there was this hole she left. An Abby-shaped hole that no one night stands or casual sex could fill. I loved her.”

It takes a long time for Eddie to find his voice. He watches the side of Buck’s face, outlining the curve of his nose and the shadow of his lips. He isn’t even sure he wants an answer when he asks, “And now? Do you still love her?”

Buck looks up and meets his gaze, steady and sure, as he shakes his head. “No. I don’t. Not the same way, at least.”

Eddie can’t breathe. He needs to look away before he does something stupid, but he can’t move.

Buck’s arm brushes his again and he closes his eyes so he doesn’t see Buck smile.

“You feel it, too,” Buck says, and then Eddie feels the hand on his arm, solid, tantalizing, and definitely not just a brush of skin. There’s an intent in his hands and Eddie feels it in that moment, the thing Buck had been reaching for a moment ago; The feeling, the sentiment, the something more just beyond words. 

“I didn’t know how to move on,” Buck admits. Eddie can feel his breath, but resolutely refuses to open his eyes. He’s afraid of what will happen if he does. “And I didn’t realize until I saw her again that I already had.”

Finally, finally, Eddie opens his eyes. “Buck--” he starts, but then there’s a mouth on his and he can’t focus to breathe, let alone find words to say whatever it was he was going to say.

It’s a short kiss that seems to last minutes or hours, and when Buck finally pulls away, Eddie’s head is swimming.

That just happened.

He kissed me.

I’d very much like it if he did it again.

Buck is watching him with doe eyes, big and blue and waiting.

Waiting, he realizes, for Eddie to say something.

Ultimately, in the haze that still fills his head, he blurts out, “I fill your hole.”

A beat passes and then Buck is clutching his stomach laughing. “Yeah,” he says. “You fill my hole.”

Eddie feels his face burn and he shoves Buck, but can’t stop himself from laughing, too. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant the-- Stop laughing. I meant the Abby-shaped hole.”

Buck catches his arm and pulls him back in close. Their noses bump and the laughter dissipates. Eddie moves slowly, feeling like if he moves too quick he could startle Buck away. Buck would come to his senses, or Eddie would wake up in a cold bed, alone, realizing this has all been a dream. He’s wanted this for so long, much longer than he ever even admitted to himself. He cannot mess this up now.

But when he kisses Buck, slow and sure, he feels more certain than he ever has. He whispers into the kiss, “You fill my hole, too.”

The feeling of Buck laughing against his lips is something he never wants to forget.

“Dad?”

A hand knocks on his back and he jumps away from Buck, nearly toppling over Christopher in the process.

Chris.

He forgot about Christopher for a second.

He’d been careless, too wrapped up in his own head to even think about how Chris would take to seeing his dad and Buck kiss.

But Christopher is just staring up at him, plate in hand. “Can you move, please? You’re in front of the pizza.”

Eddie shifts to the side, tangling himself further in Buck’s arms. They watch quietly as Chris helps himself to another piece of pizza and wanders again back into the living room without another word.

They wait, tense and silent, for something, anything, to happen. It can’t be this easy, Eddie thinks. Nothing is ever this easy. Nothing with Buck is ever this easy.

And yet, it is. The way he’d slotted himself perfectly into their lives, becoming a centerpiece in not only Eddie's but Christopher's routine. It’s the easiest thing they’ve ever done.

“We should go,” Buck says. He grabs a plate and shoves a few slices of pizza on before leading Eddie into the living room. They sit together, eating and watching the movie. It’s Buck’s first time seeing it so they start it over and if Buck happens to cry, no one mentions a thing. Eddie just hands him a tissue and leans back into the couch, letting the warmness of it all wash over him.

This, he thinks, feels normal. In fact, he can’t imagine a more rational next step in their friendship, their relationship. It feels right.

As he catches Buck’s eyes over the top of Christopher’s head, they share a smile that says all of this and more.

This is home.

This is us, our family, ourselves.

This is love.

The End.