#without doing some euphoria bullshit

[jackass-jones]

I know my ass says this every time there’s a new season but god DAMN, heartstopper is such a good show for teenagers

[infimace-blog]

Thinking about rap as a technical artform and rap as a cultural artform, with respect to Tumblr's incompetence at dealing with either. Tumblr can just barely grasp the former because, like all forms of Black music, it's been repackaged in various ways that are more palatable to to white audiences. I talked last month about how what Tumblr was calling rap while trying to defend its taste in music is more akin to filk songs, but I should admit, sometimes Tumblr cites people who actually rap. It doesn't fix the problem or absolve them of their bullshit, but it is true.

The failure then becomes an inability to recognize or care about how rap functions culturally.

People on Tumblr will take Dungeon Meshi and intricately pick apart how a single chapter connects back to real-world neurodivergence issues and the cultural differences between the West and the East when it comes to handling them, and then look at any given rap song and assume it's skin-deep. Unless it's Hamilton back in the late 2010s, before we all decided it was cringe, in which case they'll gladly dig into the history of the early USA and, like the play itself, sidestep the racism whenever possible.

Take Weird Al, one of the many names that's been thrown around in Kendrick and Drake's wake. Weird Al is technically a rapper. He has done rap. We cannot ignore that as a factual statement. He's not even that bad as a rapper. But he has no engagement with rap as a cultural object; he engages with the artform as a parodist. "Amish Paradise", probably Weird Al's most popular rap parody, doesn't say anything; it's here to riff on a religious minority. But you dig into it just a little and you can see the kind of complexity that Tumblr usually loves to talk about. The song is, after all, a parody of Coolio's Grammy-winning "Gangster's Paradise", which is literally about being a black man in an environment dominated by organized crime and fearing the constant threat of death in that life, but was also created specifically for the movie Dangerous Minds, a middling white savior movie about Michelle Pfeiffer teaching a bunch of bad stereotypes of what people think inner city non-white students are. A movie that was, in turn, based on a white woman's memoirs about teaching in a bad school near San Francisco. You've got this interplay between a white woman's real-life efforts to teach her black and Latino students (I can't speak to how effective she was, mind you), a fictionalized version of that same woman being shown as the sole guiding light for her underdeveloped gangbanging students - and a white actress's crappy Kipling-ass 5/10 film getting Coolio his Grammy. It was tailor-made to be Coolio's big hit with white audiences, getting the push of Michelle Pfeiffer, having slow and deliberate rapping, and lacking the swearing in most of Coolio's oeuvre (Stevie Wonder mandated no swearing in return for letting Coolio sample his music). And, though I suspect this was unintentional, the song plays into the same narrative that the movie does, how this rapper is doomed to his life because "nobody's there to teach [him]", with dramatic choir and strings underscoring the dire fate that awaits this rapper if some charitable white person doesn't help him - the same dramatic choir and strings that Weird Al uses for comedic effect by comparing it to Amish farmwork.

I put that last paragraph together with two or three hours of Wikipedia, and you can do the same kind of analysis with a lot of hit rap songs (and Genius is right there if you need a helping hand - I wouldn't have understood much of Kendrick's Euphoria without it), and I think this drives a lot of my frustration? Tumblr loves to see something cool and then take a few days to write an in-depth post about how cool it is under the surface. So the lack of this when it comes to rap does show a deep disinterest in thinking about it when it isn't fun. And there's so much cool shit to learn about rap. Did you know that Baby Got Back was inspired by the anti-black fatphobia Sir Mixalot's model girlfriend was dealing with in her industry, and was pushing back against the media's general preference for skinny white women? Did you know that there's a Turkish hip-hop scene specifically in Germany because, as a minority that was brought to the country for cheap labor and then forced to exist as second-class citizens, they ended up relating a lot to the music? Just. Dig a bit. There's so much.

[hell-drabbles]

Lowkey angsty-ish kind ask, but legitimately curious on this concept of ”what if”—

What if: Companion just straight up... Like, gave up? Considering how many bullshits they went through for Ra-On and how their actions don't affect much on what is happening around Ra-On(Unless they just use their hands to get things done, which is nearly all the time), I knew the Companion is the friend who would want to see the better you and would fight for it to have you become the best version of yourself — but doesn't everyone have their limits at the end of the day?

Companion deserved to be wrapped in a blanket and given a warm tea alongside their favourite movie. (I also love how most of the anons treat Companion as a whole different set of character instead of self-insert, endearing)

Oh yeah that's another thing I want to focus on, the Companion had plenty of opportunities to just give up and leave, but chose to stay and fight, and it's becoming pretty clear, especially from our perspective, that it's not a very healthy decision they've made. Certainly, it seems altruistic and self-sacrificing, but you can't deny that there's a degree of selfishness baked into the Companion's being. They want for my Ra-on to be a better version of himself, but this lack of control over anything that's happening leads to the Companion reacting in anger, and that's not how you go about trying to help someone along on their journey of self-healing.

It just goes from a well-meaning friend trying to help you out, to an owner tugging at the near-ripping leash of their dog. Not good at all. And I'm here for that toxic dynamic the Companion and Ra-on have going on, since Ra-on over here doesn't really see the Companion as his equal. Thinks they're waaaay better than him, wants them to be way better than him, because then he'll be treated like the piece of shit is, because that's what he deserves.

It's… ough, it's a dynamic, threatening to consume one another in the worst ways possible.

But yeah, in the end, things will get better since my Ra-on does care for the Companion, but right now he's blinded by lust, muscles and is swimming in the euphoria of having a harem without having to put in any effort. He isn't really registering that the devils are… you know, devils. They're dangerous, but my Ra-on over here believes that they would never harm the Companion.

Sooo… shit probably starts changing when Leviathan comes into the picture. Ra-on too easily forgives him because his past is so sad and he's suffering even though he tried to kill Ra-on. But then Leviathan tries to kill the Companion, and that sets Ra-on off into a spiral, but a different kind of spiral. Starts questioning some devils and is just… horrified at the idea that if the devils wanted to, they'd have no problems with the Companion being gone. Yeah yeah they're… extreme but it's not like they're dangerous right??? Was under the impression that even if they constantly try to separate the both of them, the devils won't harm the Companion because if they wanted to, they would've done so already. Besides, they cherish Ra-on don't they? So shouldn't that treatment at least extend a little bit towards the Companion?

Haha. Oh the willful ignorance of this man. I wanna throttle him.

You wanna know something hilarious? My version of Ra-on is inspired by the main character from the anime School Days. At least, in part, and is vastly more pretty and handsome. I really love watching subpar to bad anime, it's very entertaining to me.

And I do love that, that everyone is treating the Companion like it, it's very cute. Tis a testament that I wrote a pretty compelling reader insert character. They go through so much shit that the audience whats to spoil them. And then there's me, where I will probably make them suffer worse since that is how I show my affection, hahaha.

Anyways, if they gave up… hahaha, oh it will make Ra-on suffer. Which is hilarious because he's probably the one that they should return home without him. He's a little bit in denial at first, but eventually gets the message that the Companion is done. Done with him and done with Hell. He'd make the assumption that they're going to Minhyeok, so at least Ppyong will see them, but nope, the Companion is going to leave Minhyeok too, which honestly a huge shock to his system.

Why Minhyeok? What did he do? Do you really want to be alone?

If the Companion is going to give up on Ra-on, they're gonna go the entire mile. And Minhyeok is too attached to Ra-on and could never force him to give Ra-on up too. They could be cruel, hell they're tempted to do that just so if Ra-on ever decides to return to earth, there's be nothing waiting for him, but that would just be too much trouble.

Well, either way, there's only going to be emptiness in Ra-on's life. And the Companion? Honestly, they'd move on pretty well. No tragic ending, and perhaps being visited by some devils that they no longer remember, and starting new friendships all over again.

Though that's assuming they left waaaay at the beginning, probably a little after meeting Leviathan and after his murder attempt on both Ra-on and the Companion. If the Companion leaves after, say, their angelification recovery arc, shit is going to go down, obviously. The angels really don't know when to give up and attempting to return to a human lifestyle before things are solved is just a recipe for disaster.

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 1 - MONTH MINUS 6 - THE CONSULTATION

The specialest of special thanks to @ayviedoesthings for creating the original Dragon HRT story, and a big shoutout as well to @kaylasartwork, @welldrawnfish, @nyxisart, and @deadeyedfae for their takes on the concept! Every one of you is inspirational, and your work gives me so much second-hand gender euphoria!

NEXT

---

"Miss Alexis, please come in."

I look around as I walk inside. Between the doctor being a balding middle-aged man and the office looking like any generic doctor's office, I'm honestly a little disappointed. I was hoping the infamous source of therian HRT would be a little more… I don't know. Exotic? Unique? I was half expecting the walls to have before and after photographs of clients, but I suppose when it comes down to it, this is a serious medical facility, not a beauty salon. I walk up to the desk and sit down in the chair.

"Now I understand you wish to be a… a tiger?"

I'm unable to suppress my euphoria at the idea, and I start grinning and nodding. "A white tiger! I haven't changed my fursona since I got one, it's about time I start embodying it!"

"Indeed… And I see on your medical history that you are transgender." He mutters under his breath, "Just like all the others…"

I give a little smirk. 'All the others' are the reason I'm here. If this guy is handing out meds that can turn people into dragons or fish or bats, then a tiger should be easy, right? It's a mammal, and not much bigger than a human, relatively speaking. I had even given some thought to the rumoured "Fifteen Minute Shortcut", but when it comes down to it, even if I did have the ungodly pain tolerance to withstand such a rapid transformation of my bone structure and musculature, I… don't really want to do it quickly. Mundane HRT has already been such an absolute gift in terms of euphoria from noticing the slow and gradual changes, I want to keep that up. I want to notice the little things.

"Now I'm afraid there are some requirements to be settled first…"

Oh boy. Here comes the bureaucratic bullshit. Everything that's been put in place to make sure Our Children don't Make A Terrible Mistake. When it comes down to it, bodily autonomy only counts when you're not one of the weirdos. The instant you decide to be capital-d Different, people start falling over themselves trying to talk you out of it.

"First of all, I see that you have been taking human hormone therapy for a little over six months. We do require a full year of human treatment before beginning therian treatments, and I'm afraid that is fully non-negotiable. There are matters of biology that require the body to be a certain degree of… receptive."

I was afraid of this, but at least it's not a deal-killer. Another half-year is bearable, even if I am going to be shaking with anticipation the entire time.

"I also see you have letters from a practicing physician and a social worker, but we do require a second psychologist to be involved in the process."

Okay. Absolute horseshit, but not impossible. All I've got to do is find another social worker or psychologist. And pay them for several months of sessions. And hope they don't decide I'm crazy for wanting to throw away my humanity. I can feel my expression souring…

"It's also required to live as your desired species for at least a year before beginning the process."

"What." I'm leaning forward and glaring at the doctor before I fully realize it. "And how exactly am I supposed to do that, without the… the requisite biology, or the inborn instincts, or the… the habitat!" I let out a frustrated growl. "Am I supposed to fly off to India or Bangladesh or somewhere, and start camping out in the wilderness??"

"Miss Alexis, please, I'm afraid these are… are the requirements set forth by the guidelines of -"

"Guidelines!" I slam a palm down on the desk between us, before letting out a frustrated breath. "Just that… Guidelines. You know, and I know, that a lot of people have come to you already, with a lot more… exotic requests. Flying animals? Aquatic animals? A fucking DRAGON??"

The doctor seems taken aback, maybe he didn't expect this level of resistance.

"What is even the natural habitat of a dragon anyway? Or the diet? Or the behaviours in the wild?? It's a mythical creature for gods' sakes, there's no firm evidence they even existed!!" I stare at him, unblinkingly, with what I dearly hope is a predatory glare. "But I do get it, though. You have to be absolutely sure I won't regret it. Liability, or whatever. …Maybe we just need to know how hard I can BITE."

Something changes in his expression. ...Malice? No, not quite. A sort of… satisfaction, maybe.

It was a test. He wanted to know whether I'd just roll over and accept the impossibility of my quest, or whether I was prepared to fight for it.

Joke's on him, just getting human HRT was such a godsdamned hassle, I already know how to fight.

He adjusts his glasses. "Perhaps there is something I can do for you… Let me get you some forms."

[kentai345]

East Highland's Notorious

AO3

Fezco x reader

Warnings: It's a euphoria fic, so just like the TV show warning.

18+, drug use, foul language, no smut yet mostly fluff for now.

Can be read here or on ao3. More chapters on ao3

Summary: You never proclaimed yourself to be a nice person or good girl because no one expected you to be one. If someone perceived you as one that was their fault. Life wasn't easy but Fez made it bearable.

Chapter 1

*Rue narration is in italics*

If there’s one thing no one understood about (Y/N) Stone, it was why she was friends with Nate Jacobs. Why would such a chill and down-to-earth girl be friends with a guy like him? Simple, they didn’t know the real her. The ones who were unfortunate enough to piss her off and face her wrath gave her the infamous nickname stone cold bitch. She had to be because it made her life easier. And you didn’t hear it from me but when she and Nate were together people called them the East Highland Notorious cause nothing good ever happens when those two were around.

(Y/N)’s parents were addicts. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her parents sober. Its why she tolerates all my bullshit and why she and Nate were so close. She loved wreaking havoc and creating chaos probably cause she couldn’t control the chaos that was her life. But with Nate, she knew just how to pull his strings and make him do most of the work for her while she just sit back and watch.

They also both understand each other’s hatred for their parents but (Y/N) had one nice thing to come out of her parent's addiction. Fezco. Cause of them she got to meet Fez and his grandmother. Her parents sometimes made her go get drugs for them and she would buy them from Fez himself or his grandmother.

They became so close that when his grandmother got sick and he had to drop out she was there for him and helped him out at the gas station. It gave her a break from her life. Not having to listen to Maddy complain about Nate, watching Nate be a dick, and from the waitress job that she hated. At some point when I was in rehab Fez and (Y/N) had grown even closer that she was staying at his place from time to time and her parents wouldn’t even notice. It was like this unspoken rule that she was his and no girl would be stupid enough to get too friendly with Fez knowing what (Y/N) was capable of. However, (Y/N) would never label it, believe it or not as ruthless as she was, she was shy around guys she truly liked and the fear of rejection was keeping her from defining the relationship.

I sat outside the gas station with Fez as he smoked a blunt with my legs laying across his lap. He exhales smoke in my direction with a smirk and I playfully hit his arm. “Stop.” I whine fanning the smoke out of my face. He takes my hand into his planting a kiss on it and I smile shyly. We hear footsteps coming toward us and I slip my hand from his hold and look up to see Rue standing in front of us.

“Thanks a lot, you gave me a secondhand high, and now I’m seeing ghost.” I said as I moved my legs from Fez’s lap.

“I’m not a ghost, dick.” Rue said with a laugh and I shrug. I go on my phone to find out where Nate is while Fez tells Rue about this new girl we’ve been seeing around and how Rue would get along with her.

“So like how are you feelin?” He asked.

“I mean, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and Savior Jesus Christ, things have been, like, really good.” Rue said and I laugh.

“Word? That's what's up.”

“I'm fucking with you. It was a joke.” Rue said with a laugh. “But low-key, is Ashtray in the back?”

“Are you serious?” Fez asked in disbelief.

“What, you think cause I went to Rehab I stayed clean.” She said and I shake my head.

“Well that is the point of rehab.” I said not surprised. I went inside the store and headed to the back. Rue couldn’t function without drugs in her system she was just like my parents. I fucking hate my parents.

“I thought your ass was dead.” Ash said as Rue walked in and she looked at me. “I didn’t start that rumor.” I shrugged.

“Don’t matter y’all come and go I’m just tryna stack my cash and pay my mortgage. So what the fuck you want?” Ash said listing off what he had.

“I’m sorry I have zero fucking idea what you just said.” Rue said. “Yeah, no one does. Just give her the one that’s similar to LSD.” I told Ash.

“Ok.” Rue agrees and Ash tells her it's 120. “Oh, Fez said he'd spot me.” She said and we call bullshit as she leaves.

“Fezco don't spot nobody.” Ash said.

“Yeah, well, it's a post-rehab discount, so you should ask him.” Rue said and I follow her. “I will go ask him, 'cause I know you're full of shit.” Ash said as we leave the back.

“What are you doing after this?” Rue asked me and I shrug. “Waiting on Nate to give me a ride to Maddy’s to get ready for this summer bash that Mckay’s throwing, everyone is supposed to be there.”

“Cool.” She said as we went back outside and see Fez selling to Nate.

“About time, thought you died in a five-car pile-up.” I said to him. “You wish get in the fucking truck.” He said walking back to his truck. “I didn’t hear a please.”

“Yeah right.” He said as I followed him. “I’ll see you guys later.” I said to Rue and Fez before getting in the backseat. “Yo, I’d do it for Rue.” Nate yells to Rue as he pulls off and Mckay shakes his head.

I listen to him and Nate go back and forth about the party and his mom being particular and blah blah. I become interested when Mckay brings up Maddy and if she and Nate were together.

“Cause she’s crazy, I don’t want her to come and burn my house down.” Mckay warns.

“I hope she does burn your house down, then your party will be remembered forever…as the guy who got his house burned down.” I said laughing and Nate joined. “This is exactly what I’m talking about.” Nate said focusing on a blonde girl that Fez and I had been seeing around town riding her bike. Nate slows the truck to her speed and rolls down Mckay’s window “Right here.” He calls.

“How ‘bout you come and ride on this dick.” He says and she flips him off in return. She loses her balance and falls off her bike as Nate speeds away laughing and I just roll my eyes at his antics used to his behavior.

People question how I’m even friends with Nate with all the shit he pulls but I don’t have the answer he’s just always there. Plus some of the shit he does is entertaining and yeah he was an asshole to me too but he was always a person I could call when my parents lock me out of the house or forget to stock the fridge. His family, no matter how fucking picture-perfectly annoying they are helped me out. Hell, the only thing I regret is setting Maddy up with him. I knew what Nate liked in a girl and Maddy knew I could get Nate on her radar, so I did her favor. Believe me, I tried to warn her about Nate’s temper but she swore she could handle him. Although, sometimes I believe she doesn’t know what she got herself into.

Nate drops me off a block away from Maddy’s house not wanting to come into contact with her at all and I greet her parents when they let me in. I go to her room seeing Kat and BB as well saying hi to everyone until Maddy faces me showing me her breast.

“Do my areoles look weird?”

At first, I just look at her, thinking she’s joking, but realizing she’s not, I glance down at her boobs. “They look like areoles.” I comment, and she rolls her eyes, not liking my answer, putting her shirt back on.

“I literally look disgusting. Nate’s totally ruined my confidence.” She says.

“Nate’s a loser who cares?” Kat says.

“He’s not a loser he’s a dick.” Maddy corrects.

“Bottom line, y’all need to walk into this party like your pussy costs a million dollars.” BB said as she goes through Maddy’s closet.

“I’d settle for like four Corona Lights and some non-rapey affection.” Kat answers. “That’s kind of depressing.” BB says waving me over to sit down at the vanity to do my makeup.

“You know when somebody just constantly criticizes like everything about you?” Maddy says going off about Nate.

“Like every guy?” I answer.

“You just need to catch a dick and forget about your troubles.” Kat advises and we all look at her. “Shouldn’t you catch a dick first before telling other people to do it?” I said.

“Seriously, the best thing after a breakup is to fuck someone new and then move on.” Kat continues.

“Remind me again how many guys have you fucked? And cat-fishing don’t count.” BB says and I laugh. “Speaking of someone new, (Y/N)?” BB says and I raise an eyebrow at her as she does my eye shadow.

“What?”

“Bitch, come on we know you’ve been all boo’d up this summer with Fez.” Maddy says.

“We’re just friends.”

“Save the bullshit.” BB said finishing up my makeup. “Ok, so I'm testing the waters. Besides he hasn’t defined what we are and we all know I’m not gonna do it.” I said looking at my makeup in the mirror.

“You’ve been testing the waters for months. Quit being scared and claim your man already.” BB said. “Seriously, it's obvious he likes you stop being stubborn.” Maddy said and I look at her through the mirror. “Why don’t you stop being stubborn and take Nate back already, we all know you’re gonna do it.”

“Bitch, don’t even go there.” She warned ending the conversation in a stalemate.

We finish getting ready and get in Maddy’s car to go to the party. Now I may have seemed like a dick but I hated telling other people my business except for Nate and Fez. Sometimes Maddy depending on what it is. I avoided relationships at all costs cause the guys here are fucking idiots and it wasn’t hard with Nate around keeping them away. Fez was the only exception as he was my distraction from the shitty parts of my life, kind of I mean sometimes I have to buy from him for my parents. I know Fez likes me but I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship if we break up and end up with just Nate to confide in.

On the way, we see Rue walking down the street. “Slow down.” I tell Maddy and point to Rue.

“Wait didn’t Rue, like die?” Maddy said and I look at her confused. “Why does everyone think I started that rumor?” I asked.

“Oh my god, I hate ghosts.” BB said as Maddy pulled over.

Arriving at the party Kat and Rue wander off who knows where and the rest of us go to grab drinks. I scope the party for Nate but my eyes land on a blonde guy staring at us more specifically Maddy. Smirking I get Maddy’s attention and casually gesture with my shoulder to the blonde and she gives him an uninterested look. “Don’t you wanna piss off Nate?” I suggest and she smiles deviously giving me the go-ahead. I go over to the blonde greeting him with a smile.

“Yo, Casper you want a ride?” Kat asked. “Why, thank you.” Rue answers. I could tell just by looking at her that she was on drugs as she gets in the backseat with Kat and BB.

“My friend and I thought you looked lonely. Wanna dance with us?” I asked touching his arm in a flirtatious manner. When he agrees I take his hand guiding him toward Maddy and BB who were already dancing. “Oh, my god I completely forgot to ask for your name.” I said in a dimwitted tone

“Tyler.” He introduces looking directly at Maddy. “Hi.” Maddy says and grabs his hand pulling him towards her. BB and I dance around them and I feel a pair of hands grab my waist making me into contact with someone’s chest. I look over and see the owner of the hand to be Fez. “Been lookin’ for you.” He says into my ear so I could hear him over the music.

“You found me. Now what?” I said turning in his arms to face him and he smiles at my words. “Yo friends don’t mind if I take you away then?” He asked looking over to Maddy and BB who waves us off insisting it was fine. BB sends us suggestive looks as Fez takes my hand and I roll my eyes at her. He leads me outside to the backyard and has a seat on an unoccupied couch pulling me onto his lap.

Straddling his lap he connects our lips in a quick kiss before he looks down admiring my outfit consisting of a halter top and jeans. “Shit, look at you lookin all good.” He kissed my jaw trailing to my neck and I hum in pleasure at the feeling. I reconnect our lips, running my hands along his chest but our actions come to a stop feeling the couch shift as someone plops down next to us.

“Oh, hey Rue.” I greet.

“Hey, don’t mind me keep doing what you’re doing.” She says sounding out of it.

“Come on now bruh, you owe me 120 bucks.” Fez said and I reposition myself in his lap as we were obviously not gonna continue our previous engagement anytime soon.

“Man sorry, I forgot.”

“To be honest, with you, your whole drug shit got me feeling kind of uneasy.” Fez said. “Come on don’t go soft on me, Fez.” Rue said not taking his words seriously.

“I’m not. It’s just that... I like you. And I missed you, bruh. That shit at the beginning of summer had me scared as fuck.”

“Yeah, you and everybody else. Well except for (Y/N).” She said and I nodded my head. “Duh, you’re like a cockroach, you always come back.” I joked. I was scared for Rue after hearing about her overdose but I also didn’t let that shit consume my thoughts. There’s no point in worrying about someone who doesn’t want the help or maybe I’m just a pessimistic dick.

“At least someone had faith in me.” She said with a smile. As she continued talking to Fez I grabbed my phone from my back pocket and went onto Instagram to see if I could find this Tyler guy as I had never seen him around school before. However, as I am I hear a commotion coming from the pool, and giving Fez a quick kiss on the cheek I go over to see. I come to find Maddy and Tyler in the pool making out and Nate watching.

“Yeah that's real classy you fucking whore.” Nate says to her.

“Suck my dick.” Maddy responds making the crowd around react in her favor. I never meant for the plan to go this far but knowing Maddy I should’ve seen it coming. I hear Nate going off in the kitchen and go back inside to see him breaking shit in the kitchen. The girl who was riding her bike earlier was in the kitchen while others were clearing out of Nate’s warpath. “Hey man what’s going on?” Rue asked suddenly appearing next to me.

“The usual Nate’s pissed and he’s about to take it out on the new girl.” I said already filming on my phone. Rue nods her head and like everyone else nearby we watch as Nate starts yelling at the girl getting in her face before she suddenly pulls a kitchen knife on him making Nate back down. “Fuck, new girls got balls. Too bad she doesn’t know what she’s getting into.” I comment.

“Put the fucking knife down! It was a joke!” Nate yells and looks to me for help but I look around wondering why he’s looking to me for help. “The fuck you want me to do? Bitch has a knife and I’m not a hostage negotiator.” I said still filming.

She takes the knife suddenly cutting herself yelling “I’m fucking invincible.” Before backing away from Nate and throws the knife down. “By the way, I’m Jules. I just moved here.”

“Hi Jules.” I say as she leaves the kitchen. “Take back what Fez and I said, that bitch is insane.” I told Rue as I end the video and I go check on Nate.

“You sure know how to pick a fight.” I said and he glares at me. “Shut the fuck up.” He growls shoving past me harshly and past Fez who was coming toward me. “You alright?” He asks me glaring back at Nate before looking back at me.

“I’m fine its normal.” I reassure and pull him into a hug. “Besides you know I love chaos.”

“A lil too much. So like what's your home situation tonight?” He asked me stroking my arm checking if I was gonna go back home or not. “Sleeping over at Maddy’s but I’ll probably go home Sunday. You leaving?”

“Not yet still more money to make and I gotta make sure you leave safely with yo friends.” He guides me backward to lean against the kitchen counter. “You don’t have to do that.” I say kissing him. Our kiss started slow before his tongue slips between my lips and my hands tighten on his shirt bringing him impossibly closer. We pull apart catching our breaths and I stare at him entranced by how handsome he is but I am drawn out by BB calling for me.

“What?” I asked looking over at her and Kat. “We about to go, you leaving with us?”

“Yeah.” I sigh reluctantly not ready to leave Fez’s arms. “I’ll see you later.” He says kissing me one last time before disappearing into the party. I leave with BB, Maddy and Kat going back to Maddy’s. As we’re getting ready to go to bed I get a goodnight text from Fez and can’t help but smile.

I had to wake up around 6 in the morning to leave Maddy’s house and walk home to get ready for work, clean up whatever mess my house was gonna be in, and then get to work on time at 9. I was dreading going home knowing that the house would be trashed or my dad’s junky friends would be there. To my surprise the front door was unlocked when I got home and was repulsed by the smell coming from inside finding it to be spoiled food in the kitchen, while my parents were passed out on the couch, I think. I sigh annoyed and go into my room to grab my uniform and go take a shower.

Before leaving I pack a bag of clothes just in case I decide I don’t want to sleep here tonight, clean up the kitchen, and leave two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my parents when they wake up. I look over at them once more checking if they were actually breathing before stealing my mom’s car keys and leave for work.

Now I hated working not because I was lazy or hated my coworkers, I hate the fact that because my parents couldn’t take care of themselves or me that I had to choose between sports or having a meal to eat. It was thanks to Nate that I got this job as his family eats here a lot like they have a usual table a lot. Clocking in I immediately get to work taking on as many tables as I can to get more tips and hopefully make the end of my shift come faster. During my shift, Nate came by the restaurant and asked to be sat in my section and I raise an eyebrow at him when I notice him.

“What do you want?”

“Who was the guy with Maddy at the party.”

“You gonna order something with that?” I ask and he sighed annoyed. “And it can’t be water.”

“What about a trip to the mall, didn’t you say you wanted a new wardrobe?” He offers. “Deal. His name’s Tyler doesn’t go to our school or if he does, I’ve never seen him but I found his Instagram. There’s nothing interesting. Hell, he might be in college.” I shrugged.

“That's good enough, what’s his-” He stops talking looking behind me and I turn to see who was there. I roll my eyes seeing one of my coworkers who was this annoying older lady, who for some reason couldn’t go one shift without having something to say to me.

“Can I help you, Susan?” I asked annoyed as I glared at her.

“It’s just really unprofessional to have your friends come by while you’re working and not or-”

“And it's really unprofessional to interrupt someone when they’re in the middle of a conversation. And you're not a fucking manager so walk away.” I said scaring her off. “I can’t fucking stand that bitch.”

After giving Nate Tyler’s social, he leaves and I finish up the rest of my shift clocking out. I count out my tips getting over 100$ which was pretty good for a Sunday. Reluctantly I head home to return the car and probably have to make my parents dinner. “Hey, (Y/N) how was school?” My dad asked from the couch as he watched TV. “It's summer break.” I sigh annoyed putting the keys back. “Right, right hey your uncle Bruce gave us a tip. My parole officer is coming by this week can you help me out?”

“Yeah. Just tell me when.” I said softly, wishing I was somewhere else. They could go weeks without noticing if I’m here or not but when it's time to pee in a cup or go on a drug run all of a sudden they remember they have a kid again. I don’t know when exactly my parents became like this I’m just surprised I made this far in life with their parenting. I order two pizzas for the night for my parents so they could have something to eat in the morning and after paying for the delivery head to the bathroom to shower. As I’m getting ready for bed I get a call from Fez.

“Hey Fez, what’s up?”

“Checkin up on you, hadn’t heard from you. Wanted to know if you want to come over, watch a movie or sumthin?”

“Or something?” I repeated teasingly. “I can’t, had a long day and I gotta be here in the morning for my dad. I would’ve loved to though.”

“What does your dad got you doing?”

“Oh you know the usual, gotta pee in a cup for his parole officer. Plus school starts tomorrow and my house is closer than yours.”

“Then let me drive you.” He offered. "No need to go out of your way for me. I’ll be fine.”

“Nah its nothing, let-” He starts but I interrupt.

“Seriously Fez, it's alright. I can take care of myself. Goodnight.” I hang up not waiting for him to respond. I didn’t want to sound rude but I stayed over with Fez a lot this summer and with school starting again I had to get back to my old routine and not depend on him so much.

Before leaving for school I hand my dad my bottle of pee and in an attempt at affection, he pats my head as he thanks me. I mumble a goodbye to him and my mom before leaving out and I come to the stop in my driveway seeing Fez parked outside waiting for me.

“Hey.” I said getting in his car. “Hey, pretty girl.” He responds.

“Shut up.” I said shyly as I looked out the window as he drove me to school. “I told you, you didn’t have to drive me.”

“I know but sometimes your stubborn ass needs to accept help when it's offered.”

“If you keep this up you’ll make me keep depending on you more.” I said as he parked outside the school. “That’s the point.” He answered taking my hand in his.

“Then I guess you’re never getting rid of me.” I said leaning in to kiss him. “I’ll talk to you later. Tell your grandma hi for me.” After getting out I meet up with Maddy and BB eventually running into Cassie.

“Oh, shit that's the girl who tried to commit suicide at Mckay’s.” BB said as we walked past Jules and Rue. “What?” Cassie asked.

“That is not what happened.” I said.

“Oh yeah I forgot, you guys was both fucking.” She pointed to Cassie and Maddy.

“Why does everybody think we fucked?” Maddy stops to say but we keep walking ignoring her. “Alcohol is not good for me.” She said when she caught back up with us.

“So you did fuck him.” BB said.

“Honestly, I think I blacked out.” She said. While the others look at her worried I gave her a side-eye. We run into Kat and I pull Maddy to the side while Cassie and BB talk to Kat.

“Being I’m the only one who knows better we both know you’re lying and did what you did to get back at Nate. So why are we lying to them?” I gestured to the others.

“Cause you're the only one I trust to keep this between us and from Nate.”

“You’re glad I fucking love you 'cause this shit might blow up in your face.” I said wondering how Nate’s gonna react if he believes that Maddy blacked out, especially with how overprotective he is. Deciding it wasn’t my problem we go over to Kat and Maddy hugs her congratulating her on losing her virginity.

“Damn, did everybody have sex at the party?” I asked holding a finger up to Maddy to silence whatever in-denial BS she was gonna say.

After catching up we head to class and I get a text from Nate telling me he was going to skip today and that he wanted to pay me back for that information I found on Tyler for him. The power of teenagers and social media.

I was hiding out in the bathroom sitting on the counter while waiting for Nate to come get me and when people would come in I would make them get lost, so I could be alone. “Find another bathroom.” I said when I heard someone rush inside and I look up to see Rue who freezes at my words. “Oh hey, Rue don’t mind me just killing time.” I said letting her come in.

“Keep a lookout.” She said going into a stall. “Got it.” I reassured. Not a minute later I hear someone walking in and warn Rue. “Hurry up, someone’s coming.”

“Shit, fuck it.” I hear Rue say before flushing the toilet.

“Rue?” We hear Lexi say as she enters the bathroom. “Never mind it's just Howard.” I said and Rue came out of the stall pissed.

“Are you okay?” Lexi asked Rue. “You are so fucking stupid, Lexi.” She answered.

“Why?”

“Cause I already flushed everything.” She said frustrated. “Damn, what a waste.” I said sarcastically still chilling on my phone.

“I just came to check on you.” Lexi explains. “I don’t want you fucking checking on me, what difference are you going to make? Gonna give me life advice? You gonna fucking help me?” Rue rants.

“Well, you’re one of my best friends.” She says and I try not to laugh at this pathetic scene. Lexi just couldn’t accept that the Rue she used to know is gone. I mean I guess it's sweet she doesn’t want to give up on her but I knew firsthand what a waste of time that was.

“You say all this but what happens when you knock on my door asking me to piss in some Tylenol bottle?” She said.

“Then you piss in the bottle. Cause that’s what friends do. They borrow each other’s pee so they can pass a drug test. At least that's how my family works.” I said as I got down from the counter. “Or learn how to say no for once.” Those are my last words before I leave to go meet Nate and head to the mall.

The mall wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be as Nate was constantly texting someone on his phone. Then he disappeared as soon we got there giving me some cash. I found him on the second floor leaning against the railing staring down at the first floor. Approaching him I match my line of sight with his to see who he was staring at and I see Tyler working at a kiosk. “So this is why you brought me here.” I said setting my bags down to lean against the railing. “What’s your plan to watch him until he gets off?” He nods his head eyes not moving from Tyler. “You’re insane.” I said with a sigh. “Watch my stuff.”

“Where are you going?” He asks.

“You’ll see.” I said and get on the escalator to go down to the first floor. I head toward the kiosk approaching Tyler with a flirtatious smile. “Oh my gosh, hi Tyler. (Y/N) you probably remember my friend more than me.”

“Hey, of course, I remember you, you introduced me to her.”

“Really?” I said in a faux bashful tone. “Then what time do you get out of here?”

“Not for another 4 hours.” He said and I pout at his answer. A customer wanting assistance comes up to the counter and I take this as my chance to leave.

“Maybe I’ll see you later then.” I said leaving before he answered. I take the escalator back upstairs to Nate and my stuff.

“What did you just do?” He asked annoyed. “Helped you out he gets off in 4 hours so it's enough time for you to drop me off and come back to continue your stalking.” I answered picking up my bags and head back to Nate’s truck. On the way to the truck, I noticed he started texting someone again and when we got in the truck I asked, “Who are you texting? I know it's not Maddy since she fucked Tyler.” He glares at me. “Allegedly.”

He shows me his screen of some type of dating app and I see his messages between Jules and shyguy118. “Are you catfishing the new girl?” I asked amused.

“Payback for the shit she pulled at the party.” He said starting the truck to take me to Fez’s gas station. “I don’t know if I would consider catfishing equivalent to pulling a knife on you as payback.”

“It’ll all come together eventually.” He said ominously leaving me intrigued. So I left it at that. Since I saw no point in going back to school for the day I plan to stop by to see Fez and head to work early to not waste the day. I saw Fez chilling behind the counter and he smiles upon seeing me and I smile in return as I lean on the counter across from him. “Thought you was at school?” He asked tucking my hair behind my ear.

“I was but Nate hit me up and we skipped so he could take me shopping in return for a favor I did for him.” I explained and his smile dropped at the mention of Nate. I knew Fez wasn’t a big fan of Nate but he was dealing with it as I was friends with Nate for a long time.

“Next time ask me, I’ll gladly spoil you with a trip to the mall.” He said and I smile shyly.

“Then what would I keep Nate around for?” I joked and outside Nate honks the horn as a message to hurry up and I roll my eyes. “And speak of the devil. Anyway, I just wanted to stop by since I’m going straight to work from here.”

“How’s it going at home?” He asked.

“Besides the empty fridge not the worse, didn’t even know I was gone for the half summer. Or that it was summer vacation at all.”

“Then if you want, you should come over tomorrow night or even stay over again if you want, if that's cool with you.” He offered.

“How’d you know I was missing you already.” I said kissing him. “It's tempting but I don’t wanna bur-”

“You not a burden.” He interrupts. “You been sayin' that all summer and I swear you ain’t. Just let me take care of you.” I can’t help the way my heart races at his words and it makes me wanna scream that he won’t make it official.

“Keep talking like that I’m gonna start calling you my bo-” Nate honks the horn again but this time holding it longer interrupting me.

“What was you sayin?” Fez asked after he stopped and I shake my head.

“Nothing important. Yeah, I’ll come over tomorrow, also I’m gonna get a bag of chips, so I can at least show I thought about him.” I said leaving cash on the counter and grabbing a random bag of chips I go back to Nate’s truck pissed that when I finally had the courage to try and define the relationship he fucked it up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After work when I get back home I go through my messages and an acquaintance from the cheer team before I had to quit sent me a video link telling me it's Kat in the video. I click on the link and it takes me to pornhub and I start to roll my eyes annoyed thinking I was getting fucked with before the video shows a girl getting fucked from the back. The girl being Kat or someone who looks like- Oh who am I kidding of course it's her don’t even have to see her face to know. I sent the video to Maddy asking her if she’s seen it and she sent it to Kat but she denies that it was her. All I can say is that with this video, Jules threatening Nate with a knife, Nate catfishing Jules in retaliation, and the Maddy and Tyler mess the school year was off to a chaotic start. I love it.

The next morning after getting ready I packed a bag for Fez’s place and made sure I took the cash I had earned throughout the summer with me as my parents sometimes went through my stuff looking for money when I’m not here. I put my stuff in the backseat of the car and went to school. After school, I walked out with Maddy, BB, and Cassie heading to my car but Nate and Mckay were outside waiting on them. So BB and I split from them talking for a while before I went to work. After work, I head to Fez’s house in the rain, and while I’m grabbing my bag from the backseat Rue arrives on her bike soaked. “You came all the way here in the rain.” I said shaking my head and she goes up to Fez’s door knocking constantly flipping off the cameras they had above the door.

“Hey open the door!”

“What do you want?” Ash asked still not opening the door.

“Ash let us in, Rue’s soaked.” I said and going through my bag to give her some dry socks or something as he opened the door. “Yo, who is it, man?” Fez asked. Rue goes in walking straight past him to his room and I give him a wave and sit on the couch.

“Hold on, hold on, you can’t be in here right now.” Fez told Rue and I wondered why it was a big deal she was here.

“I need some, some OCs and some socks.” She said coming out of his room and sits down on the couch.

“I offered you some socks when we were outside.” I remind. “No, you didn’t.” She corrects.

“Damn. You know, I thought about it, I just didn’t say it.” I said putting my bag down on the floor to look for a pair of socks again.

“Rue, I ain’t fuckin’ playing with you. Come on you can’t be in here.” Fez said interrupting our conversation.

“Look Fez, I’m fucking drenched. Okay? And uh… I’m out of drugs. So don’t be a dick.” She says making what she thinks are valid points.

“That’s not my fucking problem. You gotta get up out of my house before these motherfuckers come through.” He explained and I realized why he was acting like this. His supplier guy was on the way and when he came around I stayed hidden in his room but I don’t think Rue could stay quiet until they were gone like me especially when she wanted drugs.

“All I need is a couple OC’s and some Xannies. And why just me? You're not kicking (Y/N) out.”

“Maybe 'cause I was invited.” I said dryly. “Where are your pants?” I asked just realizing that she wasn’t wearing anyway.

“Look that’s all I need and I can be gone.” She begs.

“Yo, I’m trying to tell you, I don’t got shit right now. Like… Come back in a few hours, I got you, whatever you need.” He said but Rue still puts up a fight and they continue going back and forth.

“My guy’s about to come through here. I don’t want you here when he gets here, you understand?”

“That scary-looking guy right? I know the drill.” I said standing up to go to his room attempting to make Rue come with me but it was too late. His phone rings on the table and he looks from it to Rue pissed.

“Rue I could fucking kill you right now. Yo, Ash, they’re here. Look I’m serious, Rue just stay right there keep your mouth shut, and be cool.” He ordered. “These dudes ain’t fucking around.” He pulls his gun out from in between the couch cushions that Rue and I were seated on checking his bullets before returning back to its hidden spot. Rue and I sit back down and I glance over at her seeing a hint of fear as she realizes how serious Fez was when Mouse and his associate I always forgot the name of came in. And as they came in Fez sits on the couch across from us and Mouse’s attention immediately fell on us sitting next to Rue.

“So these your little bitches.” He said and I bite my tongue not to say something smart. “Nah bruh, they’re my little sisters.” He said and I looked to my lap to hide my disappointment at his words.

“Well, hello there lil sisters.” Mouse said holding his hand out to us. Rue gives him her hand and he kisses it doing the same to mind and I begin to bounce my leg nervous. “Yo, Custer toss me that bag.” He starts to tell Fez everything he has which piques Rue’s interest and I nudge her foot with mine shaking my head. Custer runs him the numbers giving Fez the total he has to pay.

“Sure you don’t want no Fentanyl?” Mouse asks.

“Nah, man I’m cool off that shit. There's too many ODs and I don’t want the heat.”

“How about the little sisters? You ever try Fentanyl?” Mouse asked turning his attention back to us.

“I’m a high schooler with a C- average, I can’t even spell Fentanyl.” I said monotone getting my usual courage back and Mouse laughs.

“I see lil sis has a sense of humor.” He turns his attention to Rue. “What about you lil sis?”

“No.” She answers.

“No, she’s good, bruh.” Fez answers for her. “Gonna let big brother talk for you?” Mouse instigates getting irritated.

“I don’t know.” Rue says looking at Fez. “Don’t look at him. Look at me.” Mouse orders putting a sample of it on a blade. “You ever try it?”

“Yo, for real, bruh. I don’t want her fucking with that shit.” Fez tries again to intervene. “I’m, I’m good actually.” Rue said.

“What don’t trust me?” He said and Fez again tries to intervene. “Shut the fuck up, bitch. Ain’t nobody talkin’ to you. Tell your big brother I’m not talking to him right now.” He said and brought the blade of Fentanyl closer to Rue’s lips. “Don’t be scared. It’s not gonna bite you.” Rue looks to Fez who shakes his head and I slightly nudge her hoping to convince her to say no again but in the end takes the drug which works pretty fast. She starts to lay down laying her head in my lap.

“You like the way that feels? You want a couple of patches, girl?” Mouse asks her.

“Okay.” Rue agrees and I look at her worried as he tucks the patches into her shorts placing her leg atop his lap. “It's gonna cost you 300.” Mouse said.

“I only have two dollars.” She mumbles and I look at her like she’s crazy. “Who comes with only two dollars to b-” I catch myself. “Not important.”

“I said 300.” He repeated starting to stroke her leg.

“Where are my pants?” She mumbles. “You took them off.” I whispered to her.

“I’ll just, just give it back.” She said but Mouse didn’t like her answer.

“I got a strict no-return policy.” He placed his hand on Rue’s leg. “Yo, Mouse let me pay for it, man.” Fez said.

“I thought you was too good for Fentanyl. What is it? Everybody’s changing their motherfucking minds on me? If she can’t afford it, she gonna have to find another way of paying me.” Mouse said sliding his hand further up her leg and I roll my eyes to reach for my bag.

“I’ll pay for it.” I said bringing his attention to me, thankfully causing his hand to freeze. “Nah, let me pay for it.” Fez said trying to stop me but I shake my head. “I got it.” I pull out the 300 handing it to Mouse.

“Dang. Your sister must love you. It's gonna cost 600 now.” He told me after counting the money. I roll my eyes again go back into my bag and give him basically all the tip money I earned over the summer. “You got a reliable little sister.” He said to Fez and removes his hand from Rue’s leg and finally leaves along with Custard. After they leave I go to grab the Narcan while Fez and Ash flush the Fentanyl. I put a blanket over Rue and grab her phone trying to figure out where to take Rue as she couldn’t stay here or at mine as both places were stocked with drugs. She can’t go home as her mom would probably kill her and Lexi wasn’t an option as her mom would probably tell Rue’s mom.

“I’m so happy.” Rue says although I could barely hear her.

“Well at least one of us is.” I said annoyed.

“You alright?” Fez asked me when he came back and I nod my head. “Just pissed I just lost a summer’s worth of hard work. I’ll have to survive off my paycheck… Again.”

“Let me pay you back.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’ll just be more money Rue owes you. And I’ll survive. I always do.” I said with a sigh as I kept scrolling through Rue’s phone till I saw Jules and called her. “Hey um this is (Y/N), I’m a friend of Rue’s” I explained to her that Rue was basically incapacitated and needed somewhere to stay as her mom would kill her and Jules agrees to let her stay with her.

“After I drop Rue off I’m gonna head home. I’ll stay another time maybe.” I said ready for this shitty night to end.

“Ar-”

“After what just happened I kinda just wanna be alone.” I explained interrupting him. “Can you help me with her?”

Not pushing it further he helps me carry Rue to my car while I go get her clothes from his room. He lays her down in the backseat and goes to give me a kiss on the cheek but I pull away remembering how Fez doesn’t see me as anything but a friend and get in the car without another word.

[olderthannetfic]

Apparently my fanfic helped someone in my readership realize he's agender because reading about a character who has zero attachment to the concept of gender, does not feel like any gender, doesn't care about pronouns being used for them and wants to dress any way they want without anyone gendering it really resonated with him and he did some soul-searching afterwards. And I love that for him, truly, I do. But what surprised me is that he really thought that "everybody but trans people" didn't like being associated with a gender, didn't feel like any gender, didn't care about pronouns and didn't have any attachment to the idea of gender. He thought we were all just going along with it because it's just what you do in society and everyone actually felt roughly the same as he did about it.

I was surprised, because although I'm neurodivergent, I had inferred fairly early on in life that people are pretty attached to these things on a genuine level. So I asked him how he arrived at that conclusion and he said that the way his very conservative, Republican family - which is mostly men, he was raised by his dad and grandfather, alongside his brothers - talked about being a man made it sound like an awful, arduous task that you have shoved onto you and can't escape but being a woman also sucked in similar ways according to them. Thus he arrived at the conclusion that nobody actually likes being a gender, you just have to put up with being one. And the fact that he had to put up with it was immensely depressing to him because he hated both of what he perceived as the available options.

Somehow my dinky little Reader POV fanfic where I made the Reader Character agender because I dislike how many Reader fics portray being an AFAB person who identifies as a woman... that little fanfic, without any ships in it, without any deep lore dives, without the things that this fandom usually likes, managed to plunge this reader into total gender euphoria because it made him pluck up the courage to wear something pink, let him know you don't have to be a man or a woman, and told him you're not a bad NB if you use any pronouns and you're AMAB.

And like... I know fandom is a shitty, hostile place a lot of the time. Especially in my fandom, it's a disaster. But reading the mountain of text he posted about how in the two weeks since he realized he's agender, his depression has lessened so much and he hasn't thought about suicide once... I think I remember why I got into writing in the first place, now. It's not just to tell fun stories. It's to tell fun stories about people that don't conform to the white cishetallo culturally Christian secular middle class able-bodied cookie-cutter bullshit that media is still drowning in. Because sometimes somebody is drowning and they think it's mandatory and fiction can tell them, "It's not, actually."

Nobody I know IRL likes the idea of fanfic because why write if you're not going to make money from it? But honestly I feel like this kind of moment has a value money can't really produce.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling. I just thought I'd briefly provide a small break from the sea of negativity in your inbox to share how fanfic and fandom can be good, instead of always being bad, as is so often the way fandom gets framed these days.

--

[kamimarroco]

It's ugly, I know, but I like it

As always, lots of shit going on here

TW: Torture, manipulation, mention of sex, blood, screams and pain, and a lot of suffering for Ren (I'm sorry Ren fans 😺)

“I'm sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry!” Ren's apologies fell on deaf ears, your hand lashing his fragile skin even more, each cut deeper than the other, showing your previously well-hidden cruelty.

You hadn't even hurt him that much and he was already shaking badly, tears streaming down his cheeks. It was beautiful to watch how someone so visibly confident became a noisy, screaming mess of pain. So fragile, so weak, so soft.

And also stupid, pathetic, disgusting.

What did he really expect when you finally broke free? That you would be a sweet little sheep who would treat him with love and affection? After everything he did to you??

Bullshit. Of course you would go for physical revenge. Not just physical, but emotional, symbolic, psychological.

You would make him bleed, scream, writhe, beg, make him use all of his voice until there was nothing left.

“Come on, Ren! I'm pretty sure you're enjoying our… bonding moment!” Your awfully sweet and energetic voice gave him goosebumps, his tail and ears becoming visibly bristled, wondering how you could be enjoying it so much. You are hurting him, making him suffer, you are a monster!

“Please, please... Tell me this is a joke, tell me this is all a joke” His nervous laughter made him seem even more desperate. “You... you weren't like that before, I know that! You're just confusing things here”

Oh poor, simple Ren. Still trying to persuade you to stop torturing, still trying to manipulate you even though he's tied up. 

But that's how things should be, that's how they should have been from the beginning. You on one side, him on the other. And that's it, simple as that. 

You didn't force yourself to be an obedient little girl only to be beaten and tortured every time.You didn't force yourself to cook just to keep him satisfied and well fed. You didn't force yourself to allow his advances just to be a blow-up doll he could fuck to his heart's content.

No no no, everything was just an act, a pretense, a theater. You would NEVER let someone treat you like that without an ulterior motive.

He fell like a duckling, enchanted by your charms, admired by your obedience and how you made him feel good and superior. You inflated his ego until he was relaxed enough to allow you an attack, a weakness, an opportunity to finally turn the tables.

Even though you acted silly most of the time, you knew you couldn't let your mask fall, not until you had the power of the situation, not until he was in the palm of your hand. Like a toy, like an object, like a little scared fox. 

“Coward. You act so powerful and superior when you're the one in control, but all it takes is a few cuts from a hunting knife for you to act docile and sweet” Your sharp tongue didn't hesitate to say it to his face, to show him how pathetic he's being right now. 

And you had to confess that you were deeply disappointed. You at least expected him to curse you at the top of his lungs, call you a bitch for playing with him, for cheating and betraying his trust, maintain the pride and dignity you thought he still had. 

Instead, all you got was a worthless coward who will do anything to please you, will do anything to stop you from torturing him further.

Tsk, what a pathetic sight.

But also cute, you can't lie. Seeing him all broken, beaten, tortured and bloody gives your heart a euphoria that words could never describe. A feeling that most people would despise for the simple fact that you feel it when hurting a small tethered fox. 

It's an ugly, corrosive and toxic feeling that consumes the depths of your soul, fills your brain with genuine happiness and makes you smile from ear to ear, like some kind of clown who made a joke and can't stop smiling. 

You have never felt so alive as you do now, you have never felt so full of joy. 

You really have to thank him. Without it, you would probably be living a mediocre life, trying to fit into society, paying bills and often going to the doctor just to make sure your health was in order.

A normal life, a peaceful and good life. With normal problems, normal friendships, normal relationships. Nothing too deep, just reasonable as far as possible. Which is good, you can't deny, and most people are fine with just that. But not you.

As you decorated him with the last cuts and bruises, he was already exhausted. Too weak to scream, too weak to continue debating, and too weak to even speak. You fucked him the way you wanted.

And yet, despite your cruelty, you lifted his chin to make him look directly at you, your gaze calm and gentle, very different from how it was before. Both of your hands cupped his face, your lips approaching his to give him a sweet, loving and peaceful kiss. You tasted the blood in his mouth, the metallic taste adding more to the air of romance of the moment. 

Romance? You don't know if that's the word you're looking for, but it kind of fits. Yes, romance. A sick, intense, hot and painful romance, for both of you. Both of you dying, bleeding and beating yourselves to death for the sheer pleasure of it.

A strange and twisted way to connect, but still a way. And you like it, he likes it. You're sure of it, despite the shrill screams and tears he lets out during the process. 

You break away from the kiss, his eyes fixed on yours as you do so, half closed, tired, but now full of desire. He immediately misses the warmth of your lips on his, forcing himself to move forward to try to have some more of it, in vain. He can't do much when he's tied up like that. 

“Why? Why did you pull away?” He asks desperately, his trembling figure wishing the moment had at least lasted a little longer. You feel like he's about to burst into tears again.

“That's not how you do it, Ren" You put your thumb on his lips, playing with the skin there. “How do you ask, huh?”

“... Please. Please, kiss me again" His weak voice resonates through your mind, those mere words being enough to make you melt. 

That's it, you think he's suffered enough. 

“That's a good boy" You bring your mouth closer once again, being surprised to see him stick out his tongue, already waiting for you. A French kiss? He's certainly bolder now.

Maybe hurting him gave you a promising result. 

[fandoms-rants]

Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten & Andriel Quotes Part 2:

(Quotes that remind me of (and/or I think they would say in canon or fanfics which I hope someone will write) Andrew, Neil or both of them and/or therir relationship)

“He’s everything she ever wanted. And that’s scares the living shit out of her.” (Andrew about Neil)

“You are the finest, Loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known-and even that is an understatement.” (Neil to Andrew)

"You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain." (Neil to Andrew)

“and eventually you realize that real Love comes down to feeling safe enough to be vulnerable.” (Andrew)

"I crave so much more than just a physical connection. I crave words and depth. I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears. I yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface." (Andriel)

“She wasn't sure which scared her more, the fact that he wanted to explore her depths and understand her... or the fact she was willing to let him.” (Andrew about Neil)

“Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.” (Andrew)

“Me, weird? Bitch, I’m limited addition.” (Andrew Always to Anyone)

“So you’re the bitch, that told the bitch, that I’m a bitch. Well listen bitch, it takes a bitch to know a bitch.” (Andrew to Allison**)

“A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit. tells you that it is bullshit and listens some more.” (Andrew about Renee)

“my type of goth is greek goddess persephone goth: all about flowers and spring and the sun with a deep, intimate love for necromancy and death and ready to punch a man at a moments notice.” (Neil about Andrew)

“You are either on my side, by my side, or in my fucking way. Choose wisely.” (Andriel to Everyone Else)

“You want to be on my level? Climb, bitch.” (Andrew to Aaron**)

To love without condition. To talk without intention. To give without reason. To care without expectation. The Spirit of True Love. (Andriel)

“Payback is a bad bitch. And baby, I'm the baddest. (Andrew to the Foxes(Neil **facepalms fondly**))

“Most people barely know themselves. So what does it matter what they think of you?” (Andrew to Neil)

“Act my age? What the fuck is that, "act my age" What do I care how old I am? The Ocean is old as fuck. It will still drown your ass with vigor." (Andrew post-canon, post-ext retirement)

“"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.” (Andriel to Everyone)

“He ran his hands over my past, lingering over the dents and worn edges of my heart. And when I thought he'd run away like the others had... he told me I was a warrior, and that I'd never fight another battle alone.” (Neil about Andrew and quite honestly Andrew about Neil too)

“When you find someone who can make you laugh. Smile. Grow. Lust. Want. Crave. Feel. Make you mad but happy. Keep that. That's euphoria.” (Neil about Andrew)

“"I still hold onto a small, childish hope that there's someone out there in this crazy, wild world so completely, utterly meant for me even the stars will sigh, at last! in relief at our meeting." (Andrew **reluctantly** pre-canon)

"It's impossible,"said pride. "It's risky,"said experience. “It’s pointless,”said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart." (Andrew about Neil)

“The most beautiful part to loving a guarded girl is this: when she lets you in, it's not because she needs you. She stopped needing people a long time ago. It's because she wants you, and that is the purest love of all.” (Neil about Andrew)

When your eyes met mine, my soul pointed at you and whispered to my heart, "Him.." (Andrew about Neil, when Neil looked up at him after Andrew took his breath away during their first meeting;)

“When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.” (Andrew)

“The most beautiful part is, I wasn't even looking when I found you.” (Neil to Andrew)

“Don't put me in a position where i gotta show you how cold my heart can get.” (Andrew)

**Fyi I don’t like Allison and don’t think her and Andrew will ever get along as anything more than mild antagonist acquaintances who’s significant others are the friend of the other.**

**I don’t like Aaron either but much like Neil I tolerate him for Andrew’s sake. And yes I’m aware they are both 5’ tall.**

*WARNING: About copyright, Quotes come from various places(ie. FanFiction, Tv, Movies, Music, Pinterest) so use in your own fanfic stories at your own.. I can’t think of the word but you know what I mean.*

[iwoszareba]

truthbound

Knave/Socothbenoth

cw: questionable use of trickster powers of mind altering variety. (if i'm allowed VtM terms something like incomplete blood bond level of problematic.) also this is love-hate, awful, evil people ship

Socothbenoth's first dialogue was taken directly from the game

_ _ _

'Satisfaction' could not begin to describe how Socothbenoth felt. How can you properly put into words the pure euphoria of seeing your plans, that were years in the making, finally come to fruition?

The look of defeat on Nocticula's face will warm his heart for decades to come. To think that all it took was the right person at the right time for everything to fall into place. That and his invaluable guidance, of course. Helping to make the Crusade a spectacle of madness was an enjoyable diversion but there was nothing more he could gain from it.

"Well, now that everything is decided... I will bid you farewell, Knave. It is time for me to look for a new frien... I mean, someone new and exciting... Someone I can lead astray. I will convince them to join the glorious ranks of fools, jesters, and lovers of funny and vulgar stories! It's been a pleasure! I know you'll miss me!"

That's what he needed: a fresh start. But for now he could just kick back and bask in the afterglow of his accomplishments until it's time to set more goals or readjust the old ones.

"Don't you want to ask if I have a parting gift for you?"

He was already reaching for the door handle but that question stopped him in his tracks. He could just leave. He should just leave. But after all the crazy things this Knave-Commander pulled off… he couldn't deny curiosity. He turned around.

"You got me something? Darling, you shouldn't have. Getting to see you grow from a confused, bloodthirsty puppy, into a distinguished creature of chaos was a gift enough."

He expected to see him as usual: all smiles, craving any scrap of his attention, practically begging. Instead Knave looked at him with an unreadable expression, head slightly tilted as if considering. Somehow that was more concerning than any of his touch too wide grins. Curiosity wasn't worth this.

"Really it's fine… just send whatever it is via messenger, maybe that mangy thief of yours can drop it off at my place when he comes to the Abyss."

He grabbed the handle and pushed but his relief was disturbed by the sharp, electric sound of magic. As he took one step through the doors, a portal brought him face to face with the Commander once again.

"I can't believe you thought you could just leave without my say-so. I would take offence at the rudeness if it wasn't so adorable."

This was not how Socothbenoth imagined this goodbye. Maybe he miscalculated, maybe he shouldn't have implied earlier that they probably will never meet again. He often forgot that some people can get attached so easily. No matter, he can play along for a while more.

"Can you blame me? I am a busy man. Especially now, when you helped to create so many new opportunities for me. Something I'll always be grateful for."

"Tsk tsk, tsk. Liar, liar pants on fire. Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit?"

Socothbenoth opened his mouth but before he could find words to rebuke such insolence Knave continued his little tirade.

"I wonder if there is a single person you have ever been truly loyal to? I doubt you see anyone in your congregation as worthy enough, your lovers are tools to be kept or discarded, the Council was always a sham… you couldn't even keep a semi-decent relation with your own sister."

Mentioning Nocticula in such fashion was a step too far and even now it made Socothbenoth wince. He gritted his teeth and tried not to snarl his next words, but they still came out as an angry hiss.

"Is there a point to this?"

There was a level of smugness to Knave that only people who delight in hitting a nerve can display. Normally an attractive trait, not so much right now.

"I know such things are not in your nature and I don't blame you for that but… I admit it does make me curious. What would happen if I took all the honeyed words you fed me and made them true? Wouldn't that be refreshing? The sense that you said something and actually meant it."

Was that something he could do? Of course Socothbenoth heard the stories of Knave's exploits in Alushinyrra. Changing someone's form was not far from fleshwarping the demon lord would perform himself or teach to his faithful, but while similar in effect, Commander's powers seemed to work under a completely different paradigm. And physical matter still was nothing compared to something as intangible as 'the truth'.

"We can just talk about thi-"

Something deep inside him hummed, as if his very essence started to slightly vibrate awaiting what is going to happen to it next.

"You already talked plenty enough. Mmm what lies have you uttered... Maybe when you said you've been looking for someone exactly like me all these years?"

He was standing still but the sensation escalated to scraping at the back of his skull and squirming inside his chest. Impatient search for remembrance followed by a swift judgement.

"That was the truth! It's not my fault the meaning wasn't quite what you desired."

Knave nodded despite not looking convinced.

"I see, then what about those times you called me special… captivating… irreplaceable?"

The last word was the one that fully did the trick and started to ring at Socothbenoth's core with near-painful veracity. He felt feverish, as if his body was fighting to reject this foreign element, something so at odds with his demonic nature. But it was too late, this… connection has already taken root, strong and true, but twisted by the environment it found itself in. Addictive in its cravings and covetous in its devotion. Socothbenoth started to laugh hard enough that tar-like tears formed in the corners of his black eyes.

"What's so funny to you?"

The look of smug satisfaction on Knave's face was first replaced by confusion and then visible distress. He grabbed his chest as if to check the sensations there. Despite everything Socothbenoth couldn't help but delight in having the upper hand again.

"Oh, I just remembered something else I've said: we were made for each other, you were made for me."

Knave blinked in surprise.

"What? I don't recall anything like that."

Socothbenoth smiled lecherously, closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Knave's waist bringing their bodies together.

"At the time I had you so deep in the throes of passion, no wonder you were a little… distracted."

"...You are lying."

It sounded as half-hearted bargaining of someone not ready to accept the reality.

"Does it feel like a lie?"

Knave was biting his bottom lip in frustration, quite a tantalising sight.

"No. I guess I made sure of that."

It was easy to expect this sentence to be punctuated with an angry groan but what followed instead was a soft rumble of laughter. Knave's next words were barely a whisper.

"It is kind of funny, when you start to think about it."

That was not really the word Socothbenoth would use to describe their situation, but if comedy is in the unexpected… he had to admit that in his long life as a demon lord he has never felt… this, whatever it was. They stood for a while in silence, both lost in their own thoughts, still wrapped in an embrace. Neither seemed willing to release the other but Knave was first to break the strange tranquillity of the moment.

"I still hate you, you know." 

Demon lord faux gasped.

"Shouldn't it be 'I love you more than anything else in this world'?" 

There was a pause for struggle between admission and denial.

"The two aren't mutually exclusive."

The amount of vitriol in his voice was delightful. The Commander was way more exciting like this compared to when he was acting all star-struck.

"I just thought you would be all pliant now."

He purred trying to rile him up more but instead Knave furrowed his eyebrows in consideration.

"I don't��� fully understand what I did but I'm fairly sure it's not a compulsion nor geas. I don't have to do anything. And neither do you. If you wish, you are free to leave."

He waved his hand around in a specific but messy gesture and Socothbenoth could tell that the portal in the doors behind them deactivated. Which was a sweet sentiment but he was no longer in a hurry.

"I am a busy man but I may have another moment to spare. Other jesters and madmen will have to wait another day…"

He pulled Knave into a kiss that felt hungry to the point where it made him consider a crazy notion, that perhaps the two of them exchanged a fraction of their souls and would have to tear each other open if they wanted to get them back.

[pvdbaby]

i have grown years in the last 12 months

this is my first post. i'm in my early 20s, i live in providence, i'm trans. i might be a lesbian but maybe not. hints of transness has been following me for many years but it wasn't til may '24 that things started getting real. the last 12 months have included a whole lot of growing pains.

i'm here because trans people need to write, and i need an outlet. it's been a while since i've really tried to write and i can't remember that last time i was vulnerable online. maybe it was because i was raised in the stranger danger era that i keep somewhat private, but it feels more important than ever to just be visible. i still need to find the words to describe what i'm experiencing, but maybe one day i'll become practiced enough and have undergone enough self-discovery that my words will help someone else.

nov 4 2024

it's election night eve in the usa, and things have been feeling so bleak. on this day last year (nov 4 2023), i was in freedom plaza marching for palestine. the anger was so fresh, like nothing i had ever felt before. i had faith that changing the tide of public opinion could change the outcome of our actions abroad. it's been a full year since that march and i find myself sick and desensitized. i still think about palestine every hour of every day.

learning how to question every rule and truly learning yourself is such a process. i'm not sure i even do really know myself. i'm not sure that most people ever come this far in deconstructing gendered expectations placed on them, but maybe that's just early 20s arrogance. i understood the references people made to the matrix before i started transitioning, but it wasn't until august that i REALLY got it. there's a whole other paradigm out there and once you see it, how can you not live queer?

it's strange to feel some kind of euphoria from deep-diving into yourself, your trauma, and almost feel selfish for the unique pleasure you can take from it while your taxes go towards unspeakable horror. it feels so insignificant -- gender exploration almost feels like another distraction. but, i think part of learning to question what you've been taught about gender also necessitates questioning what you've been taught geopolitically. trans liberation and palestinian liberation are hard to separate for me. once you see the silliness of gender binary propaganda (boys are hard-wired this way, girls are hard-wired that way), you start to see the reliances on bullshit essentialist ways our government demonizes people in countries that have oil and resources (they're hard-wired to be violent, our enemies). i don't see how we'll have one group's liberation without the other, and i sure am scared for all of us regardless of the outcome of this election.

looking back on my college years, it's almost as if i was stunted. i cannot believe the experiences i've had over the last year and how much i've changed. i'm frequently told that i'm mature beyond my years, but what are you supposed to do with that?

if you see this, or follow me, you'll have to forgive me for the number of times i'll have to repeat myself before i finally start trusting and believing myself. i also have a tendency to get off-track when i write. i guess this is a diary for now but maybe one day i'll have essays.

i've made some really lovely trans friends within the last year but sometimes it's still lonely -- you can reach out. love you

pvd baby

[ftmcutiepie]

when you say you kind of get gender euphoria from this, is that to say like the /mis/gendering actively implies its incorrect? or that its like being a feminine masculine person? i guess this is asking whether girl is a modifier or a noun for you

Pretty much yes.

I've seen it phrased this way before and it always resonated with me, so yeah, kinda the whole point of my misgendering kink is that it's /mis/gendering, and in that way it's kinda paradoxically validating if that makes sense.

I'm not 100% sure what you mean with the second question, but I'll just dump my thoughts on it / gender roles/expression I guess under the cut lol.

Sooo I think one of the main reasons why I have this kink is that I've always been more traditionally "feminine" than stereotypically "masculine", and that caused some insecurity/internalized transphobia for me.

Like, I felt like I didn't have the "right" to call myself a real man, that I must be non-binary because a real man wouldn't xyz.

I never like actually believed that anyone (else) needed to be a certain way to be a "real man", I know that's bullshit, I just struggled with that stuff relating to MYSELF, if that makes sense.

Over time, I overcame those "self-doubts" and realized I'm literally just a binary trans guy and only really comfortable with he/him pronouns - maybe he/they if another trans person uses those pronouns for me, but my mother tongue doesn't really have gender-neutral pronouns so it's not really relevant IRL.

BUT I'm still insecure about OTHER PEOPLE not seeing/accepting me as a "real man" because I'm trans and not stereotypically masculine.

So for me this kink is a way to

a) kinda explore my "femininity" in a sexy way to make in fun and kinda "reclaim" it in a way

b) deal with those anxieties, being called a fake boy and a girl, literally being told I'm not/will never be a "real man" in a safe environment where it's all fun and pretend and like I said, because I ask to be misgendered and people respond by calling me a girl, that means I'm actually a boy, yk?

But yeah like I do have traditionally "feminine" traits and I do enjoy wearing feminine clothes not just in a sexual way, that's why I like the term femboy (feminine boy) for myself.

Sorry maybe I am stupid but I'm not sure what you mean with the third question either😅

Like, a noun can be a modifier?😅

I guess in the term ftm girl "ftm" modifies "girl". I'm a girl that's ftm. Paradoxical, isn't it? That's why I'm not a (cis) girl.

I'm like those shitposts(?) that are like "I'm like if a boy was a girl". But not in a non-binary way. More in a gendernonconforming way. Like a femboy.

I do feel like trans men can - and I do - have a specific "relationship" to femininity that most other people, specifically cis ones don't have.

Like, I'm a guy, I came out because there was no way I could be happy living as a girl/woman. But, at least for me, "girlhood"/"womanhood" wasn't always some dysphoric nightmare, I did enjoy parts of it. That doesn't make me a woman, but at the same time, I shouldn't have to give up "femininity" just because I'm a guy. Still, many people do believe that there are right and wrong ways to be a certain gender, and trans people already are on thin fucking ice just for being trans. God forbid they don't adhere to gender roles and cissexist standards to a T😂

I guess, this is just me having fun with my gender (expression). Sometimes a boy can "be a girl" (= enjoying femininity I guess) without that having any impact on his actual gender identity (= actually being a girl).

[joyswonderland1108]

Soo..

Pjms have this project for Jimin which is NOT a re-comeback 

And as always hoes are mad. 

When people were expressing how much Army are hypocrites for shading Jimin’s re-comeback event just for them to be happy about a J-hope re-comeback during the same month aka the holy month of Festa that is supposed to be for OT7 and not for solo projects.. 💀 People were calling them names and telling them they’re mad as if Hobi’s re-comeback won’t include Jimin’s songs.

Now i hope you read the previous paragraph really well because guess what, now that there is a Jimin project, again as i said NOT a re-comeback they’re asking to wait for more details and to not spread misinformation, bitches are mad saying that “solos” are trying to ruin JJK1 i-

First of all motherfuckers if they’re solos, specifically Jimin solos, then whether they do a re-comeback, a streaming party or whatever the fuck they’re still solos and won’t interfere with any member’s release because them being solos would mean that they wouldn’t participate in streaming for any other member even with no Jimin related event you fuckwad.

Second of ALL, y’all be mad at Jimin stans for being defensive over Jimin and saying that another member’s re-comeback will still have Jimin songs in it, so why tf can’t you use this same logic and think that an eventual Jimin re-comeback would still have other members songs as well? When FACE dropped on my mama i’ve seen playlists that had equal amounts of Jimin songs and other member’s songs, i especially saw a lot of Jikook focused playlists for FACE where, if Like Crazy was repeated 10 times, Stay Alive was repeated 10 times, if Set me free pt2 was repeated 12 times, Euphoria was repeated 12 times, it was all equal and was both a boost for Jimin AND Jungkook, and this one is for motherfucking Akgaes barking about how this is an event extending during JJK1 aka his album release, but oh wait..

Speaking of an album release, THIRD OF FUCKING ALL!!! There is no official announcement, can’t people learn from the previous shit already? People took a Naver article bullshitting about an eventual release and ran with it, forgetting that Hybe never even confirmed that and to make it worse this happened before with Jimin himself, the one and only y’all bitches are mad about, it was again a Naver article claiming his album release was set on February then ended up being released a month later. 

Same fucking Naver claiming that Tae’s album release was upcoming too and that article was even older than the article about JK so people really over here looking for drama where there isn’t. If there’s any JK release without any official announcement at the very least a whole month before then i’d just assume it might be a single or a collab which again even a re-comeback project won’t interfere with it! 

As a Jimin and Jungkook stan i’m always so baffled at how people can barely use their brains and it makes me wonder how tf are these people supposed to be in college or have any type of diploma with a malfunctioning brain that can’t use common sense and basic logic, are some of these people supposed to be “professionals” that other people trust? We’re doomed if people can’t even sit for a minute and think shit through before spitting venom. 

Again and again AND FUCKING AGAIN, this ain’t no re-comeback so y’all shut your asses and do your own shit, y’all make me want to crucify you!

[seeminglyseph]

Cherry Magic is actually like. the best magical realism hits workplace comedy BL. the premise is absurd and it fully leans into it. the concept of like. most of the cast is 30, or early to mid twenties and the like one 30 year old who's caught the feels for a 20 something is like 'I want to die, I have no idea what to do with my life. am I a perverted old man? Should I peel my skin off and boil myself in oil?" and while he's like. going through internal conflict and my initial impression of him was that he was a dick, he's just like. Actually giving decent life advice and trying to be chill and do the right thing.

meanwhile the main couple are like. the normal amount of shy and horny for an adult couple who either have a) never experienced mutual attraction in his entire life until this point and get easily overwhelmed at the very concept of someone being attracted to him period let alone the whole concept of ravenous sexual appetite, and b) someone who has had a deep, deep infatuation for an extended period of time and had time to just nurture that crush and also repress that crush and *then* had that crush encouraged and the flames blown on and built up by a sudden interest by the target of his affection until there was reciprocation. Kurosawa is the funniest fucking character in this entire fucking series he is fucking. dialed up to 11 all the time and it's the repression and it's hilarious. He represses so much so the fact that his boyfriend reads minds is absolutely fucking hilarious and the fact that his reaction to finding out is "Oh. So I can say as much fluffy romantic bullshit to you in public and absolutely no one but you will hear me except you? I can save face and still say exactly what's on my mind at the same time? I am abusing the shit out of that to shower you in affection without breaking any PDA taboos immediately. Telepathic PDA is the greatest trick ever granted to me by any god"

I mean, he also like. has gotten caught up in the euphoria of dating Adachi he's forgotten he lives in a world where Adachi's lack of self worth exists.

Or like. Puts so much value on Adachi he doesn't realize why Adachi wouldn't value himself. which feels like a plotline created specifically to come for my throat, but like. people with this mindset like "I value you so much, it hurts me to see you undervalue yourself" gotta like. realize and understand that people don't just like. Put a low value on themselves because they're like. making you feel bad. it's usually because they have been made to feel of a low value by other people, probably for an extended period of time. like. it can be hard to deal with, I get that. And sure, it's not your responsibility to fix people. But like. Being mad a person hasn't fixed their issues to your preferred timeline can be a little to heavy a demand.

I do expect they'll dramatically talk it out and then be gay about it, though. this anime is hilarious. Also it looks like we're about to pair the spare with ex-dancer younger coworker and slicked back blonde guy I have seen in the background of some shots and don't remember the personality of. I fully don't know why I think this but they are the most well drawn male characters in their office building so far and so I assume they will somehow pair up. This is a BL after all and eventually there will be a little fleet of gay ships with their weird fujoshi coworker casually watching in the background.

[northwest-cryptid]

Sometimes I look at the Project Moon games and wonder about what the team at PM must be like.

I mean hear me out... and yea spoilers and all that but I can't really get my point across without them so ya know.

Lobotomy Corp is a game that centers around the plot of 1 awful awful man who has done unspeakably horrible things to his colleagues in the pursuit of a goal they technically all wanted, but "not like this" only to go through so many horrifying loops of tragedy that everyone becomes numb, finding their own ways to cope with having to work at such a truly hellish work place. With the main character becoming someone better through atonement for his actions, he can't truly atone in the eyes of those he has harmed but he can try to better himself going forward and in the end he's able to at least give them all the gift of seeing their goal through to the end.

Library of Ruina shows us yet again a struggle with identity, this time accompanied by yet another major plot surrounding the idea of revenge this whole idea that the actions that freed one individual from a horrible life of abuse and neglect inflicted irreparable harm upon another. Yet they work together for so long in hopes of each achieving their own goals, only in the end coming to realization of their life, their grief, and their identity. Both being able to move past who they were and the pain they've felt and become something more than a husk living purely in spite of their suffering.

and I'll be honest, I've not played much of Limbus Company, I hate to admit it because I love the Project Moon universe but the game doesn't much keep my interest. That being said on the most baseline level of the game you have an understanding that this is a company of people specifically brought together for emotionless work. You have the most uncaring neglecting managers and head figures; Dante seems to be the most emotional of anyone and that's likely coming from the place of actually having to go through the literal pain of reviving anyone who dies, experiencing their pain in the process. So I could are they're a little more invested in their subordinate's wellbeing. However more than not, the lead figures here do not care about their underlings, and if you pay attention to the sinners; they're all full of life in different ways, sure some of them are less happy than others; but they all have goals, they all have ambition.

So what am I getting at with all of this? Well do I actually believe the lead writer/writers at ProjMoon are trying to say something about the company? Nah probably not, it's very likely they're just writing angst for the sake of angst; and while a lot of their writing is well done and captures a lot of mental illness and real conflict very well; I don't think they are necessarily trying to go any deeper than that.

That being said; we only now see how bad their CEO really is. However I have a hunch that this wasn't always the case, originally he was probably a genuinely nice dude. I say this completely on assumption mind you, so again if you think I'm making some weird stretches in logic or something read the above blurb again and recognize that I'm not some conspiracy theorist trying to spout some bullshit. I'm just saying that it's interesting to me that a small indie company of like 7 - 10 people who were really ambitious about their goal of becoming a game studio worked really hard (and likely failed a LOT in the past) in spite of their living situation being complete shit. Like basically everyone I know who knows about ProjMoon knows there were times they were so poor they couldn't afford basic heating and such. So here you have this company who dream of wealth and honor, being someone important, being someone rich enough to live a good life. They make 1 game (Lob Corp) that seems to be doing well, the Legacy version got played by a few youtubers and likely drew in a small but dedicated fanbase who gave them a rush of euphoria; finally there were eyes on their product. Real people, around the world who CARED about what they were making. They were likely far from their goal still, but now they had a chance. Then; they took a shift and remade the game to what we know it as today and what do you know... it was a success. They weren't rich or anything but here's this global fan community singing their praises, telling people "buy their game buy their game!" That's wealth and honor, at least on some level. See when you're THAT poor, even a couple thousand bucks or a couple hundred people with eyes on you can make all the difference. Sure we think "wealthy" means triple digit thousands at LEAST and such; but if even 100 people came to my stream and each of them gave me 25 bucks (the price of Lob Corp) I'd feel pretty damn successful having just made $2,500 "but cryptid they probably put a lot more money INTO it than that" sure that's true, and they probably sold a lot more than 100 copies of the game. There are currently 26,396 reviews on steam, with 455 being recent reviews. In total if we assume (and we don't, let's be real) that every one of those bought the game at full price, and the company got 100% of the money; that's $659,225 a little over a half a million. from Lob Corp alone. Now yea I'm not gonna say they didn't have to pay a % to steam for hosting and they likely had some copies sold when the game was like 50% off or something if we're being honest. However this doesn't take into account LoR being $30, with 20,501 reviews for a total of (again under the same assumptions which we aren't realistically assuming here) another $615,030 we have no idea how much merch they sold or how much profit they made from their café either.

What am I getting at here? That they made a bunch of money? We know. No it's more than that; See it's easy to look at the CEO and say "oh dude fuck Project Moon they're a shit company!" However consider for a second that you don't hate Netzach, Chesed, Angela, Tiph, Hod, etc; for the actions of Ayin... do you? Now yea obviously those are fictional people, so you know they don't have bills to pay they don't have families to take care of, they don't have real life problems to deal with... unlike the people who work at Project Moon.

All people who likely watched their friend, and CEO; change when he obtained the money and fame he was after; suddenly hiding the fact he had grown so much from the public so they could sell the idea of being a "small indie dev team" to keep pay lower and abuse their workers. Which, from what I understand; is what we learned from the WonderLab incident, unless I'm mistaken of course. Take everything I'm saying here with a grain of salt. It's very likely that the writing for the original Lob Corp wasn't about the Proj Moon team specifically, more so about working conditions in capitalism, and likely the current state of Korean societal/work norms. However I do wonder how much of the writing might be or could be based on what the team is going through in relation to their own work place.

I saw a lot of people saying "how could the people who wrote games about shit business practices literally do this shit, they wrote about it!" However I don't know if the CEO himself really had much of a hand in that, you have to remember that none of us; and I do mean NONE OF US. Have any idea what the working conditions there are actually like. For all we know the CEO could easily say "oh sure I wrote this and that, I looked over these things; I helped with those things" when in reality it's all delegated to some poor intern.

I mean hell I once worked with an indie company who literally stole my intellectual property, claimed it all as their own; said they had "come up with all of this the night before at an exclusive meeting" and then used it to profit off their scam of a game that they lied to the public about being something it wasn't and I never saw a cent of it because I told them off for not only stealing my work but A. lying to me and thinking I wouldn't know and B. lying to the public to scam people out of their money.

A lot of shady shit practices happen behind closed doors that never gets to be made public whether it's because you don't have a voice to say it loud enough or because contractually you're not legally able to without harsh consequences. You know what you can do though? You can write whatever you want for the plot of your game. Your game that is already built around the premise of abusive work practices and shitty capitalistic managers.

what was that limbus company quote, something like "take out their leader, remove the head and the meat under it crumbles" I don't know man, it just makes me wonder about how the people working at Project Moon feel about their CEO. I don't know how many of them are WILLINGLY following him vs how many have to keep a roof over their head and feel like they have no choice in the matter but to keep working for a shitty CEO who makes the big bucks while they likely get "small indie dev team pay" you know?

I'll say this again because I know, this is the "how dare you say we piss on the poor" website and I want to make this abundantly clear. I don't know jack shit about what goes on behind closed doors at that company, I'm not trying to make some kind of conspiracy theory, I'm not reading too much into plot or writing of a fictional world/characters/game. I'm not trying to make any claims about any persons working within the company. I'm merely wondering how much of the writing (WHICH COULD BE NONE) comes from a more personal view of venting about poor working conditions and how many of the employees working at Project Moon (WHICH COULD BE ALL OF THEM) actually consider their CEO to be a friend and someone worth working for rather than as an abusive boss they're scared of and who they can't quit working for because they need the money.

[cozza-frenzy]

I'm so glad you guys are doing better! Our system just got out of a nasty spat with a persecutor, and it's always great to see other systems finding euphoria in that freedom. Is it too intrusive to ask the husband's reaction to all this? Our partner is interested to hear the other side of things and if their experience is similar to Lito's.

Glad to hear it; here's to recovery, right? But when it comes to these recent events as well as the system thing in general, Lito's just taken this in his stride like he has just about everything else. I asked him about this question last night after he got home from work, and he just said none of this really surprises him. Some people go their whole lives without understanding themselves better, because they never bother to look deeper. This is 30+ years of bullshit finally coming to the surface after our brain was forced to suppress and ignore it, because that was the only way we could make it for this long. And even if we didn't realize at the time that we were separate, he recognizes many of our parts as ones he's met before - some of them even have voices that match ones he remembers hearing back when we first met, which is interesting. I guess he just mistook actual switching for "code-switching" between situations. But I mean, it's not like he gets a constant play-by-play of every single in-system thing that's happening. It would be very difficult to explain every intricacy, how it feels and how it affects us, because our brain literally works differently from 99% of the population. DID, OSDD, whichever we have is rare. But he's happy to know us as a collective and to get to know us as individuals, and we're happy to have his support. To take a quote from Adventure Time - "People get built different. We don't need to figure it out, we just need to respect it." - Terry

[itsncthingpersonal]

playful hand to the chest (from Asmodeus?)

FIRST TOUCH PROMPTS // Accepting

"Mate..." It was spoken in an exasperated warning, knowing exactly who was stood behind him by sense alone. Only one individual could make his skin crawl, shoulders tensing up before Rudy could stop them. Ugh, his body was his worst enemy sometimes. "...move your hand before I break those fingers, yeah?" He hated how much his voice wobbled, words catching at the back of his throat as the hand travelled up the expanse of his chest in a playful manner. There was nothing fun about it, especially when the bottom of his gold chain was suddenly tangled up in deft fingers. Nope, fuck this! With a displeased noise, the vampire reached up to take a firm grip of the demon's hand and tug it away from the piece of jewellery, not feeling guilty in the slightest when his own sharp fingernails caught against his skin. It took a lot of restraint not to frantically scratch like a spooked cat, but Rudy wanted to deescalate the situation without the use of physical violence.

Well...maybe a little for self-satisfaction, but nothing too wild. He was dealing with a literal Lord of Hell here, and Rudy was smart enough to hang back when it mattered. But he was no pushover; not anymore. Spinning on his heels, the vampire faced his antagonist and moved backwards with a couple, quick steps. The jostle forced his Ray-Bans to slip down the bridge of his nose, revealing yellow eyes ringed with red that were caused by an intense surge of apprehension. Even his fangs were trying to make an appearance, but he managed to keep them at bay so far by clenching his jaw.

Rudy quickly pushed the sunglasses back up to cover his eyes, hiding behind their darkened lenses. "Have you got nothin' better to do than bother me?" Clearly not. He was here. A bit like a stray puppy trailing after a stranger hoping for sympathy, except the vampire was not extending a welcoming hand nor taking this one home with him. "I know you've been followin' me around, yeah? You're not exactly subtle, mate." After a bitter laugh, he slowly ran his tongue along his bottom lip as his arms came up to securely fold across his chest. Despite feeling uneasy, he still managed to stand up tall with his shoulders pushed back, unwilling to back down as he levelled his gaze towards the other.

This never would have happened if he hadn't been so stupid four weeks ago. But desperation left him with limited options, and unfortunately, one of those was accepting blood from a demon. He had no idea about that crucial detail until afterwards, because at the time, in the midst of being a shaking wreck and suffering from delusions somewhere in an alleyway, Rudy was in no comprehensive state to realise who he was feeding off. All he could focus on was the honey-coated words lulling him with warmth, a tangy yet sweet taste instantly firing up his taste buds, and the resulting euphoria washing over him that eventually saved him from a second death. But now he was stuck with a donor who knew nothing about personal space and boundaries.

"Look, you wanker, I'm pretty sure you can't do this without..." Without what, Rudy? A signed contract? This was real life, not some exaggerated horror movie with bullshit logic. "...my permission." He finished lamely, shifting from one foot to the other as he inwardly cringed. He was clueless about how any of this worked, but he wanted to argue that he wasn't technically in the right frame of mind when accepting his offer of blood. So surely that severed any ties with him on the grounds of diminished responsibility...right?