#without sad overtones.

[anjuyn]

I think a lot about the fact that all these enstars (not only) headcanons contain a certain dark side, which I remember every time I see and read various kinds of fanfics and imagines. I'm talking about a hate from the fans towards idols' lovers irl (and if you are a woman, you will be hated more.).

what about the angst imagines of a secret relationship, whose disclosure will certainly lead to scandal and hatred in your direction. When hiding a relationship is necessary, among other things, to preserve your life and health, both mental and physical.

relationships that are difficult when they are revealed, difficult when they are hidden, difficult when your lover is far away and difficult in those brief moments when he is near.

a relationship that is very likely to lead either to a breakup, or to the fact that no one will know about your identity, as if you committed some unforgivable crime.

a relationship in which your lover will ask you for forgiveness more often than anyone else. a relationship in which you will both feel like sinners.

a relationship that is as painful as it is precious.

[emilybeemartin]

A whopping, like, 2.6 people have expressed interest in my recent adventures in watching Bean films, which is all the encouragement I need to present to you:

An Incomplete Guide to Sean Bean Roles (Investigation Ongoing)

Our guy has a vast filmography, and I'm not even close to being halfway through it, but I've watched a lot of his significant ones in the past few weeks thanks to a perfect storm of illness, injury, and lapses in client work. Crucially, I have created superlatives for a variety of them and present them here for your benefit. Disclaimer: many of these films are violent! Or have butts and/or tits! Some have dick! Some have dated bits that didn't age well! So, if you have triggers or are watching with young viewers, do your research first! Also, these are just the opinions of one solitary millennial! Nothing is objective! Nothing is real! I care not!

Okay, CYA done, let's begin. I'll get the two most obvious ones out of the way up front, otherwise they'll dominate half the categories:

ACT I

Greatest Bean: Fellowship of the Ring. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he achieved more pathos with Boromir than a lot of his other roles have allowed for, and every note he hits just sings. No debate.

Best Bean for Your Buck: Sharpe. For the best confluence of quantity, quality, physicality, emotion, humor, and action, you can't beat Richard Sharpe.

Favorite Dramatic Bean: Time; he earned that BAFTA fr

Softest Bean: The first date scene in Stormy Monday, where Brendan shyly gets to know Kate, slow dances with her, lends her a shirt and strokes her back after she asks if they can just go to sleep instead of have sex.

Most Dashing Bean: Vronsky in Anna Karenina, that uniform cuts, damn

Swooniest Bean: I know I'm supposed to say Chatterley, and he is undeniably sexy as Mellors, but there are parts where his character is actually kind of off-putting. I'll lay a good chunk of the blame on the weirdly ominous score, the very of-the-time depiction of dubious consent, and Joely Richardson's tendency to look like she's having the worst time of her life while shagging the hot gamekeeper. No, I'm giving this category to Stormy Monday again. He's just so gentle and genuine in this one, without some of the obligatory "heartthrob" overtones of his nineties stuff. He never raises his voice at Kate or manhandles her. He really does feel like some kid who just wants to be sweet to his girlfriend.

Laddiest Bean: When Saturday Comes, specifically the strip club and bathtub scenes.

Favorite Sad Bean: As a collective, he has some great grief scenes in World on Fire, but! The railroad track scene in When Saturday Comes?! That was RAW.

Favorite Mad Bean: Black Death; there are plenty of movies where he doesn't smile at all, but unlike some others, his grimness and anger felt proportionate to the story, rather than just rage because he's good at rage.

Favorite Bad Bean: There are so many great Bean villains (Goldeneye, obvs), but I think my favorite is Patriot Games. Bonus points for all the different hairstyles he has in this film (long locks-shag-shag ponytail!-buzz-wet spiky buzz). Also HUGH FRASER AAAA

Favorite Dad Bean: Wolfwalkers, where Bill Goodfellowe literally turns his own convictions and beliefs upside-down in order to protect and support his daughter.

INTERMISSION

A note on GoT: I haven't watched it. When season one was first coming out, it was during a time where I really couldn't handle watching any kind of sexual assault onscreen, and while I have a higher tolerance now, I just... don't want to. I like seeing gifs of Ned Stark and appreciate that it's one of his great roles, but I just can't make myself take the plunge.

ilysm you grizzled dead wolf man

ACT II

Favorite Costumed Bean: Odysseus in Troy: curls, leather, thighs.

Favorite Un-Costumed Bean: He strips in quite a lot of his films, so let's give it to Lady Chatterley for sheer screentime, exertion, and the bonus of being naked and wearing a flower crown. Honorable mention to When Saturday Comes for the totally not homoerotic amount of butts and also dick in the locker room bathtub scene.

Hurtin'est Bean: Bravo Two Zero. Oof, don't watch this one if you have an aversion to seeing pain, although---you're a Sean Bean fan, and we all know one of his MOs is being GREAT at pain. This one was directed by Tom Clegg, who directed Sharpe. Also lol at the sickle-shaped wound on his shoulder, which is covering his 100% Blade tattoo (he gets a lot of sickle-shaped wounds on his left shoulder).

Best Inside References: The Frankenstein Chronicles, where he plays a former Peninsular soldier, and every reference to his service is a reference to Sharpe, including shots of his greenjacket, pistol, sword, and flogging scars. Honorable mention to The Martian for the Council of Elrond line.

Most Unsettling Bean: Cleanskin for moral grayness, The Frankenstein Chronicles for body horror

Most Inefficient Use of Bean: Black Beauty. Despite getting high billing he's only onscreen for about two minutes and I'm convinced the long shots are a body double. Criminal.

Biggest Missed Opportunity: We were robbed of a Sean Bean Odyssey. R o b b e d

Funniest Bean: Deploying Bean for comedy is woefully underused, but he made full use of his ~15 seconds in The Vicar of Dibley ("Spring" episode). He's also hilarious in Wasted, though I haven't watched the show, only the clips he's in on YouTube, where he plays a mock version of himself serving as a spirit guide for a stoner. IMO, though, Sharpe gives him the most room for humor.

Favorite Character Quirk: In World on Fire, when Douglas is having WWI flashbacks and really coming apart, he kept putting his hand to his mouth. My modern brain first read this as talking into a phantom radio, but of course that wasn't right, and then I realized--he was reaching for a phantom gas mask. CHILLS. AMAZING. (Honorable mentions to the Mouth Rub and the Tongue Thing [pictured above]).

Most Nostalgic Bean: National Treasure. The concept may be utter silliness, but you have to admit, this is a fun movie to watch.

Best Dismount from a Horse: Henry VIII, he goes pshwing out of the saddle

Best Swordplay: You may think there's no possible answer to this, but there is---two moments, specifically: the preparatory sword-spin he does at Balin's tomb just before the goblin attack in Moria, and the four lunges he does at 1:26:22 of Sharpe's Battle. It's just facts.

Prettiest Bean Film: Wolfwalkers, hands downnnn

Favorite Bean Death: All right, you knew we had to eventually end here. It's Boromir, obviously--- nothing tops that. But if we're looking at other roles, I think Patriot Games is my favorite, followed by Goldeneye.

So! That concludes this installment of Bean films, though I'll be continuing the labor, and I hope you will, too. What are your favorites?

[halcyon-autumn]

Fantasy High Characters and the song I think they'd listen to the most off the new Taylor Swift album

Kristen: okay early Trackerbees Kristen would listen to But Daddy I Love Him SO much and probably post lyrics on instagram. Judgemental small town with religious overtones opposed to a relationship? Just like her fr. Post-breakup Kristen blasts So Long London SO LOUD that the rest of Mordred Manor starts to have weird pavlovian responses to any song with the same chords.

Sandra Lynn: Sandra Lynn would not make it past Fortnight on the album I fear she would hear one song about an affair and turn off her phone. Sorry Sandra Lynn I love you queen but she would not have a good emotional time with this ablum

Jawbone: Jawbone WOULD love Fortnight but he doesn't pay attention to anything but the chorus and sort of assumes it's about the game. Occupational hazard of working with youths.

Riz: I truly beleive Riz was a Dateline kid and he'd like a cool song about going to Florida because you murdered someone. It's got burying bodies in swamps and stuff! Florence + The Machine is there! Great song for murder-obsessed teens.

Fig: I Can Do It With a Broken Heart because, she claims, "it's got a great beat!" (she misses Ayda)

Sklonda: Just pick whatever song you think people would listen to during sex and put it here. We know next to nothing about Sklonda/Gorthalax but I assume the sex is good so fill in the blank.

Kipperlilly: Kipperlilly was actually listening to Who's Afraid of Little Old Me on airpods when she stabbed Buddy Dawn and Brennan just didn't mention it. She's like 'oh an angry song for a short person that people don't want at parties? that's me.' Yes good question she WOULD sing the asylum lyric without any irony

Rueben: Rueben HATES Taylor Swift he DETESTS her no one can bring her up around him or he will go on a RANT but catch him crying to loml and thinking about Wanda Childa

Tracker: Nara walks on in her listening to How Did It End? and is like "oh why are you crying???" and Tracker has to lie REAL FAST and say she's thinking about Gallicea (sorry Nara)

Gorgug: All of the Bad Kids band together to keep him from hearing a single song off this album so that he doesn't think about Zelda and start crying.

Aelwyn: imgonnagetyouback because she loves to sing about violence

Adaine: Adaine listens to the first eight seconds of The Prophecy over and over against her will because Aelwyn keeps sending it to her under various guises being like "did this happen? did you see this? is this what the old elven people want?" it's like Elven Oracle rickrolling. To be clear - Adaine hates this song.

Fabian: I think Fabian would hear ONE sad song, think about the immense loneliness he feels every day, and throw his special edition vinyl out the window like a frisbee.

Gilear: Gilear accidentally downloaded an Enya album

Arthur Aguefort: this one is hard to explain but I think Aguefort would choose Clara Bow as a karaoke song despite it being one of the worst potential karaoke songs on the album. This is deliberate on his part. Also I think he'd be a real Stevie Nicks girlie.

Feel free to comment/argue/tell me your thoughts!

[brujitaadinbo]

I am happy and a little nervous to start here. English is not something I master, so please let's go slowly. If you don't understand something, you can ask before anything.

I have a lot to say and I hope to gather more friends than anything else. I am open to dialogue but I repeat, insulting is not an argument and you leave. I have seen how Duo Din and Bo katan have coexisted during these seasons; I never expected that this interaction would deepen from the fact of giving each other the opportunity to open up and get to know each other.

I don't deny that at first I didn't see something between them; because I was more distracted by the action of the series and the euphoria. But my opinion completely changed in the season 3 finale.

When I saw how Grogu protected his father and in that process, I included Bo (and I'm not saying that he saw her as a mother but he saw the need to protect her, feeling her closer and part of him) So I change my perspective to this season.

I had to rewatch the series several times, hahaha I'm not lying and it makes me laugh but I did it. Then I started to see those little details between Din and Bo katan. Certain parallels and how hatred came to be appreciated. Since there were signs of flirting, he added verbal and body language, non-verbal language, approaches and even the dialogues, the music. A way to pair them, but not as a cliché couple, as they always portray us. With that cliché romance that always repeats itself; no no

Here they were giving things a process, this type of relationship in which both come wounded, with doubts, with traumas, something that must be slow because if not, it won't end up cooking. And living in a world like the one we live in, where survival is substantial, it is very likely that you empathize with them, understand them and understand how they have done what they have done and how they walk hand in hand.

I do not want to come to talk for the sake of talking and I will try to take all the visible and documented elements to show that indeed; There was no romance as such in this season between them, but there were romantic overtones, there was subtle interaction of this type between them, so much so that Grogu realized that something in Bo was changing. Being sensitive in those aspects, come on, that cannot be hidden from the child.

I have also seen how because of all this, toxic fandom and harmful people have given themselves the right to criticize, mock and attack. I understand it's Star Wars, without generalizing, don't expect many to understand or be mature or allow themselves to question or see beyond their own very personal visions and tastes.

But as I say; Your tastes are clouding the panorama or denying a palpable reality just because something is not to your liking and attacking it. More than sad, it's pathetic. Although anything can happen in The Mandalorian and no one can deny it, if we talk about possibilities, then I tell you, the possibility of something healthy developing is there!!! among them like so many ships from other SW content and clearly those little messages have been there for a reason.

"You don't talk about what you don't know" I love that Din said that. Because if you do not take the time to objectively question this union, to see the content again, you will continue in that ignorance of the elements, which is not just me (because it is not just my opinion, I base it on other aspects) Many others

I would like SW to understand that it is not just a bias of the population or of a certain country that has fans or fandoms about its content. We must give priority to everyone, this is a global phenomenon, seen in many places. And although the program has a family focus, nothing is an obstacle for them to show that no matter what it is, who it is, feelings and emotions are also valid and allow us to surround ourselves with positive people, becoming someone better for those who little by little have entered our hearts. No matter how badass, how Mandalorian, or where you want to be from. No matter the conflict or situation you are going through. Star Wars is based on human emotions and love is not left out of this.

are proving it and they only come to silence them.

[qqueenofhades]

Obviously Neilman's storytelling choices are awesome and rule supreme, but that doesn't mean Dream losing the Oldest Game and having to stay in hell wouldn't have been awesome angst. And Hob walking in and demanding Dream back, not caring who Lucifer is in the slightest would have been glorious.

Oh, former-medieval-peasant Hob would very much care, lmao, at least for the first three seconds. "Darling you did WHAT... and got captured by WHO.... LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR. AS IN. THE DEVIL. WELL OF COURSE WOW. JUST GOTTA WALK INTO HELL AND GET MY BOYFRIEND AWAY FROM THE LITERAL DEVIL. GREAT."

(Then, of course, he does it anyway, but he never lets Dream live it down. Also, the Dreamling fandom being as talented and eager to explore all angst possibilities as it is, I feel quite certain that someone has written a fic and/or fics about Hob rescuing Dream from hell. There is at least one on AO3 about it, I think it is called "don't look back" but can't remember the author. Anyway.)

Likewise, this is why I have thoughts about Comic Dream's ending (i.e. death) rather than whatever TV Dream's ending might be, and how there's almost a necessity to change it or at least tweak it somehow. Because of the romantic overtones that have been added to the Dreamling relationship, because Hob has in TV!canon literally waited thirty-three years for him and built a temple to their love and left giant flashing red signs so he can find him, there's a character who would clearly love and care for Dream even if he retired from being an Endless, and do anything for him. Besides, since TV!Death is the OG Dreamling shipper, she would obviously just be like "no way in literal hell are you dying, I am carting you off to Hob's house and dumping you in all your sad wet cat glory on his doorstep and he will immediately take you in and smack sense back into you." The writers can't avoid this expectation or sidestep it entirely, so they'll have to address it somehow, because yes.

Likewise, I have seen many headcanons of that nature on my dash recently, and just? Yes? Dream can still retire and leave his kingdom to whatshisname, but he can then become human and live with Hob. Because their comics ending literally consisted of them walking off into the sunset together while Hob talks about living happily ever after, which is truly an insane fact if you think about it, this can still be the case?? Dream can "die" from being an Endless, but join Hob to live as an ordinary human, learning everything he didn't before, having someone who loves him and also free of the burden of being responsible for the Dreaming without abandoning it, as he never felt able to do. He can literally walk into the sunset with Hob and live happily ever after, as well as metaphorically, and just, yes.

[mary-fantg]

благодарность

First of all, I want to thank @tommyxgrace-always, @lady-of-the-english, @nat111love, @peak color, @thesoldiersminute, @peakysgrace, @tommygrace, @korinthya, @peakyv for the huge number of posts and GIFs filled with love, respect and admiration for my favorite characters Tommy and Grace.

I just recently watched PB and fell under the spell of this couple in s1. I was looking forward to their meeting in s2 and was just shocked by Grace's death in e2s3. I even stopped watching the series for a while because it seemed pointless to me without her (I think we girls watch it more with romantic overtones). But after a while I decided to finish watching it anyway in order to understand what was being filmed there for another 3 seasons.  What I saw in the sequel s3 (especially e3 and e4 with Tatiana) hurt me, it was very insulting for Grace and her memory, and in general for their love, which seemed so pure to me, despite all the circumstances. I'm not talking about the strange idea of sex in front of icons, but apparently it's something symbolic again. But then after s4,5,6, where Tommy's grief, sadness and longing for her are the red thread, I somehow tried to understand him and forgive him for these terrible episodes in s3.

I had a lot of questions about certain points in the show and all your articles helped me find most of the answers, and even more than I expected, for example, about symbols and parallels that I initially did not notice in the series.

I also want to note that it was here that I found solace and like-minded people, because when I started reading reviews on other resources on the Internet, I saw such a stream of hatred for Grace that I was in a big stupor, it began to seem to me that I was watching a completely different series and did not understand anything at all about the story of this couple and the heroine. To be honest, without the intrigue between these two, I would not have watched the second season and would hardly have watched the first season at all. For me, the priority is still the love storyline.

in general, thanks to all of you, I really hope that in the future film SK will show at least a little of the life of their couple in New York, in the form of memories.

[bug-decal-kissing]

Hey friends!

A new work, Christmas' Intoxicating Concoction of Emotions by Fluffyerflame, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It has a rating of Teen And Up Audiences and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Mutual Pining, Enemies to Friends, Complicated Relationships, Non-verbal confessions, Denial of Feelings, Acceptance, Both Of them Are Dumber Than a Bag Of Rocks, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Prism Has Anger Issues, This is Only Slightly Self Indulgent, I had a moment of weakness don't look at me, Not Beta Read, Sickfic, only for a little though"

You can read it here:

Shifting Jewels, by DrakianDH, was updated today, with 3/5 Chapters released! It has a rating of General Audiences and Graphic Depictions Of Violence, with additional tags "another one, i'm back again!!!, Prohibited wish - Freeform, scarab the god auditor - Freeform, prismo the wishmaster - Freeform, I got a beta we live like how Prismo came back!, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Romantic Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Emotional Hurt, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Summaries"

You can read it here:

Time Room Shenanigans + More, by DrakianDH, was updated today, with 5/? Chapters released! It has a rating of General Audiences and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Romantic Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff without Plot, Oneshot Prompts Challenge, One Shot Collection, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, Angst and Feels, Alternate Universe - Human, Kinda, It's really just a big collection or random stuff I made for January's Writing challene, frick spelling btw, Prohibited wish - Freeform, PWish, No Plot/Plotless, Some Plot, Maybe - Freeform, idk - Freeform"

You can read it here:

NSFW works are below the cut :].

A Taste For Him, by ineedlemonade, was updated today, with 2/2 Chapters released! It has a rating of Explicit and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Oral Sex, Trans Male Character, Manhandling, Smut, Not Beta Read, Shameless Smut, Multiple Orgasms, Non-Human Genitalia, Mildly Dubious Consent, Hair-pulling, Masochism, Dominant Bottom, BDSM, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gay Sex, Collars, Tentacle Dick, Foot Jobs, Kinda?, Dom/sub, Now it's an overtone, Implied Consent, Begging, Punishment"

You can read it here:

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning, by grylos, was updated today, with 11/? Chapters released! It has a rating of Explicit and Graphic Depictions Of Violence, and Rape/Non-Con, with additional tags "Genocide, Slavery, Sexual Slavery, Bombs, Suicidal Thoughts, Sad, Happy Ending, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Backstory, Slow Burn, Child Abuse, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Corruption, Consensual Non-Consent, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Grooming, Oviposition, Bugs & Insects, bug sex, Cannibalism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Suicide Attempt"

You can read it here:

A new work, Distraction by gatoestupido, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It is Not Rated and Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "This Is STUPID, My First Fanfic, Adventure Time References"

You can read it here:

Nirmata, by DatWheatleyBoi, was updated today, with 15/15 Chapters released! It has a rating of Mature and Graphic Depictions Of Violence, with additional tags "Post-Canon, Enemies to Lovers, Slow Burn, Character Study, Prohibitedwish is real, Action/Adventure, Detectives, Slow Romance, Adventure time but for gods, Trauma, Psychological Trauma, Mild Gore, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, morally gray characters"

You can read it here:

A new work, Cuddlebug by TJade, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It has a rating of Explicit and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Smut, Teasing, Guilt, Lust, Oral Sex, Fingerfucking, Non-Human Genitalia, Frottage, Sex Toys, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkward Boners, Orgasm Delay, Fantasizing"

You can read it here:

[dustedmagazine]

Zachary Cale — Next Year’s Ghost (Org Music)

You think of Zachary Cale.You think of a guitar. Indeed, the Dusted review of his pandemic-era epic False Spring in 2022 started right away with the six-string, observing, “Zachary Cale has a guitar sound that is instantly recognizable, very warm and clear and lucid, surrounded by an amplifying echo but fundamentally unhazed by overtones. Whether acoustic or electric, his playing speaks to you plainly, directly and rather beautifully.” Well you can forget about all that this time, because with Next Year’s Ghost, Cale moves to the piano (and other keyboards). The first note you hear on this eight-song album is the low, reverberating tone found at the far left end of the piano keyboard, and it ushers in a moody, ruminative set of songs with far less guitar than usual.

The story is that Cale spent part of the pandemic wandering over the bridge from Manhattan to Brooklyn, ending up at artist friend’s studio Red Hook that happened to house a piano. He played at first as a form of therapy, a way to escape the fear and boredom of COVID’s first waves. But over time, songs emerged, with dark-toned and lingering melodies and lyrics about human fragility.

Cale wrote these songs for voice and piano but he brought in friends to realize them fully. Shahzad Ismaily works his subtle atmospherics in bass and various synthesizers. Woodsy Pride guitarist Uriah Theriault fills in on electric. Jeremy Gustin of Delicate Steve and Okkervil River plays the drums.Other Brooklynites turn in arresting cameos like JR Bohannon’s pedal steel in “House on Fire” and Anni Rossi and Brent Arnold’s mini-string section in the haunting “Fragile Line.” There’s no escaping the brooding pall that these songs cast, but the arrangements lend them a bit of lightness and mobility.

Consider, for instance, “Fragile Line” which emerges out of the smoke and shadows of effected guitar, a flickering blues in the way its tone flares and swells. Then the piano joins in, a steady, regular motif giving the song clarity and purpose. Cale’s voice is strong and sound here, cutting through the sound effortlessly and reaching up into the higher registers in the chorus without faltering. And yet though he sings easily, the emotions he describes are more difficult: doubt, confusion, inability to see the point of it all.“Such a fragile line, scribbled on a wall, was that a joke or a prayer, in the bathroom stall,”he croons, and who knows? It was a weird couple of years.

“House on Fire” is one of the best of these songs. Cale sings in the most beautifully resigned way about everything going to shit, a shrug at losses too steep to measure. Still it’s the way that JR Bohannon’s pedal steel weaves the desolation that makes it so good, the way that it threads beauty through the wreckage. Like it, early single “Shatterstar,” puts sad, grey lyrics into a nearly hopeful context, the piano riff lilting up, the chorus a balm, the melody letting a little bit of sunshine slip through the gloom. 

Jennifer Kelly

[fission-mailure]

I’ll be sad when G-Witch ends, but at least glad I don’t have to see “G-Witch was clearly inspired by Whiterose in RWBY!” takes anymore, because boy, that sure does carry the uncomfortable overtone of racism.

“This portrayal of queer relationships in a Japanese medium must have been inspired by American works. It’s the only explanation. There’s simply no way they could’ve come up with it without American influence! I know this because of some extremely common tropes and also because of a red-and-white colour motif which definitely has never been seen anywhere else.”

Kindly get a fucking grip.

[k4creative]

Long rambling about my possible history with fanfics.

Recently I am trying to get into fandoms and fanfictions. Reading, for the time being, but who knows. I always overwhelmed my people with my hyperfixations be it a book, a movie, a new hobby, or...birds... :D and I've always been very bad at connecting to communities so I've never became part of a fandom.

I'm not that old (turning 34 this year) but I grew up in a lower income home in Hungary, with let's say not so tech savvy parents. So we did not have internet back in the dial-up times, and I was around 15 when I really started to get interested in the opportunities of this place. We had The Computer, and having a lot of siblings significantly limited the internet use per capita.

Reading Ao3 I realized that I had a lot of au fanfics in my head back then and I am quite sad that I didn't have the opportunity (no english, and no internet) to engage with these communities. I also regret not writing any of it down, thinking that it's cringe and nobody would be interested. Of course in most of my stories my pov character was a total Gary Stu...I was 12-15...

I had a particularly long running escapist daydream based on Harry Potter. I grew up with those books and I knew them by heart (as you do) regardless of what happened later... That time there was a fantasy series loosely based on Hungarian folklore, with eastern shamanistic elements and ghostpunk sci-fi overtones called Gergő és az álomfogók (Gergő and the Dreamcatchers). This series sort of ripped off many coming of age stories but it was fun. As the characters were traveling through the World Tree on which you can find every possible world ever imagined, there were crossovers and characters poached from popular franchises.

Anyway, I merged these two worlds in my head. My pov character was a shaman exchange student in Hogwarts. :) He had a Gyrfalcon famulus and he used a whip to cast spells and a shaman's drum to get into a trance and travel the astral plane and the World Tree. I even made up new rules for quidditch so my character could play without removing any of the beloved teammates.

I also had one or to superhero personas...

Later I've been addicted to the turn based forum rpgs. I created many characters in those games and I dare say I've written books worth of reactions...basically all of which is lost now to the past.

I don't think I have a point with all this. I just found it funny to realize that I was a potential fanfic writer before I even had any knowledge about fandoms and internet forums...quite a regret really.

[mirrorballtales]

So much happened overnight!!! At first listen, literally within 13 seconds I sobbed. Full blown sobbed. I haven’t heard a new album since Oct 27, 2022 so this an absolute gift. Then at 11pm she does the most unhinged thing and drops a SECOND album!!! So the TWOs did mean something!!! FIFTEEN NEW SONGS!!! I feel like she was able to pull out this sadness I don’t like to talk about. A different kind of sadness, one I keep to myself, and one that you can only understand if you’ve been there. Her vocals are even more beautiful, definitely more on the lower register which is my favorite with her. They were all fountain or quill pen songs. The Anthology album is definitely sadder and more scathing. So now I’ll just post my thoughts as I listen to these works of healing poetry.

Fortnight feat. Post Malone - SOBBING! SOBBING!!! It’s ethereal, the synth sounds incredible. The beat. I am so glad this is a single. It’s so beautiful. Posty’s voice sounds so good in the backing vocals. And he got to sing the bridge!

The Tortured Poets Department - It’s beyond beautiful. Her imagery. Her metaphors. I’m going to keep this one to myself.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys - The only thing I’ll say about this song besides I love dancing to it is “once I fix me, he’s going to miss me” and I wonder if that’s true. If they ever miss me. I haven’t fixed me.

Down Bad - I’ll never admit it aloud. But this song is probably my favorite 😭. Oh and I’m crying again. “You sent me back where I came from” IM DOWN BAD CRYING AT THE GYM. FUCK IT IF I CANT HAVE US. DOWN BAD. Nevermind this is my favorite. Wait I already said that. The beat. TEENAGE PETULANCE. I MIGHT NOT GET UP IM DOWN BAD. Yeah I’m obsessed. This is the one 😭 This sort of epitomizes like the second choice thing I say I’m plagued with.

So Long, London - TRACK FIVE. OH THIS IS SO PRETTY! It is really sad. I think when you lose people you love you lose a place to call home. Lots of synth pop. HOW MUCH SAD DID YOU THINK I HAD IN ME? Oh yeah she wrote this about me.

But Daddy I Love Him - Oh it’s country. We’re so back! Debut will destroy me when she releases it. Oh this is such a pretty song! I’M HAVING HIS BABY, NO I’M NOT, YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FACES!!! Oh Taylor that lyric.

Fresh Out the Slammer - Yeah it’s definitely time for country. I love this!!! Oh I love this I can’t wait to not be busy and absorb every single lyric. I love this so much. Her lyricism is so beautiful. It makes me think of old westerns and duels, and going into a saloon.

Florida!!! feat. Florence & The Machine - Umm I don’t really care for the feature or the slamming of the drum. Like it’s definitely heavily influenced by Florence and she’s never been my vibe. The lyrics are beautiful. Maybe it’ll grow on me.

Guilty As Sin? - So my friend and I interpreted like when you’re really into someone and when you physically can’t have them, what do you do? The next best thing. You scream his name in your mind. You don’t touch his skin but IF HE’S WRITTEN MINE ON MY UPPER THIGH ONLY IN MY MIND!!! OH WE’VE ALREADY DONE IT IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD TAYLOR!!!!!!!! Building back waves, crashing over, without ever touching him???????? PLEASE NEVERMIND THIS IS MY FAVORITE. ACTUALLY ITS ONE OF MY FAVORITES. IM OBSESSED. FUCK!!! I need this tattooed on my damn forehead! I am so obsessed I’m so serious. This is so serious.

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me - I claimed this song before listening to it so let me just said I AM SO GLAD I DID!!! Country undertones. She’s definitely telling a story. I love this song so much. She’s angry and kind of owning people fearing her. This feels very much like the antithesis of mirrorball. Like fuck you, I’m done pleasing people. I’m doing what I want. Like I feel that way. Yes why are you afraid of me? Oh actually you should be.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) - this song is very sexy. Country overtones now. Like something you’d listen to at a saloon. With a whiskey, neat. I love this song.

loml- I AM FUCKING CRYING. OH THIS COULD HAVE BEEN TRACK FIVE. THIS IS SO SAD. I CANNOT STOP CRYING. This is truly a sad story. Talking rings? And talking cradles??????????? Oliver Twist count your days you malnourished charlatan. LOSS OF MY LIFE. OH FUCK. IM GOING TO JUMP RIGHT NOW. Aaron Dessner you destroy me time and time again. This is a favorite but because it’s just so sad I need to take time to sit with it. This is so sad 😭😭😭.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart - I KNEW IT WAS ABOUT THE ERAS TOUR!!!!!!!! I knew it!!!!!!! 😭😭😭 LIGHT. CAMERA. BITCH. SMILE!!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! Oh this is so 80s. I’m so depressed l act like it’s my birthday. Please!!! So good. New insta caption activated!!! I can’t stop dancing to this. Please. I love it so much.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived - Ratty you’re a piece of shit. Goodbye.

The Alchemy - I, too claimed this song. And fuck it’s so good. It’s about having undeniable, magnetic chemistry. I’m- OH ITS ABOUT HAVING A CRUSH!!!!!! Oh Taylor. Wait this is about Travis. This is definitely giving “I’m so happy Travy made it to the big game” LMAOOOO. I fucking love this song!!! He just comes running over to me!????????? Please.

Clara Bow - Well I’m destroyed again. I am Clara Bow. I’m the fucked up girl no one ever wants. And this song really called me out. THIS IS SO GOOD! SHE NAME DROPPED HERSELF!!!!!!

Okay these are my initial thoughts of The Tortured Poets Department. I’ll do an initial thoughts about TTPD: The Anthology later. I have to go to a stupid job I stupidly applied for.

Anyway, TTPD is my new personality, I will be listening to this album forevermore.

[licncourt]

I swear it's not for starting discourse or anything of the sort. But I'd love to hear your thoughts on the show now that the first season has ended (and we have a more global view of the first season) regarding the plot, the reveals at the end, the characterisation of our fang family, the themes etc. I find your book metas very interesting and what you shared so far has been well structured and refreshing.

thoughts on the finale?

Oof, apologies for the wait, but I think I've gathered myself sufficiently. Thank you so much for reading my rambling!! It's so flattering to know that people care about what I have to say! I'll throw out everything I can think of now, but I'll rb with more if I think of anything else later.

I also want to preface this by saying it really seems like we're missing a lot of context and plot developments from s2 that will affect everything we saw in s1 quite a bit, but I'm just going to take this season at face value for now.

I thought the costuming, SFX, and cinematography was wonderful in the finale. It made me sad that my enjoyment of the show has been so ruined because it was stunning and really scratched the period drama itch I'd been missing with the era change. Claudia in particular looked gorgeous and the gore was really fun and well executed.

Overall, I'm very disappointed in Lestat and Claudia's relationship portrayal/arc. Like I've mentioned before, the tragic impact of Claudia's attack on Lestat is so lessened if they never had the bond of father and daughter in the first place. It rings so hollow when we never saw Lestat LOVE Claudia, adore her and want her with his whole soul before slowly succumbing to his own trauma and perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Book Lestat WANTS to fix things with his daughter, he trusts her without hesitation and that's what makes it so brutal when she quite literally stabs him in the back, but at the same time you feel her pain and her rage. We lose that in the show. They're just enemies, plain and simple. There's no agony of betrayal and broken family without love there first and it does both Lestat and Claudia, originally very complex characters, a disservice. Family, the good and the bad, is at the heart of IWTV and without Lestat and Claudia, that's largely lost.

The pacing of the episode was a bit strange to me. I felt like too much time was spent on the party planning aspect rather than the dissolution of the family dynamic and crescendo of tension. I get that they wanted a longer episode for the finale, but I don't think it justified that extra fifteen-ish minutes.

I think the fucky memory thing was better utilized in ep 7 than it has been up to this point, and given what we know of Armand's mind gift from the books, I think it would make a lot of sense that he had something to do with that. That would be my preference in general because otherwise I feel like we're delving into victim blaming territory with the implications of this take on an unreliable narrator. I thought the implementation of the whole concept was clunky, but this was the best moment it had.

The sort of tableaux of Louis slitting Lestat's throat and then the flashback of crying over his body was also fantastic, so striking and emotional. Again, Sam and Jacob are such good actors with great chemistry, so it's really a shame about the everything.

All my thoughts on ep 5 (and 6) stand. Nothing from the last episode changed my opinions on how that played out and I can't think of anything that would. I won't harp on my issues with the characterization that stem from these episodes, but they definitely carried over into the finale.

I liked the Armand reveal! I think it was fun how they dropped hints and Easter eggs for book fans all season in regards to his identity. Enrichment for the vampirefuckers. Assad definitely captures the Weird Little Guy energy but also the incredibly sinister overtones we expect from Armand. My only concern is that Armand will be treated the same way as Lestat and turned into a one-dimensional monster that they can never properly redeem. If they go the route of making him a new diabolical abuser for Louis who we're supposed to forgive, I'll chew glass.

NO SWAMPSTAT??? Honestly very disappointed. As funny as putting that bitch in the trash is, it doesn't hit the same as Lestat getting gnawed on by an alligator. Lord knows AMC Lestat deserves the death roll.

This is completely inconsequential, but I have to mention how forced that namedrop of Those Who Must Be Kept was. That was so clumsy and stupid that it made me laugh out loud in what was supposed to be a very tense moment.

The handling of the racial aspect of Louis' character was so good in the first four episodes and even in parts of the finale that it made eps 5 and 6 that much harder to swallow. I'm honestly baffled at how horrible and insensitive that was out of nowhere before everything went back to normal. I'm sad that was ruined before it could have its full impact. Louis and Jacob Anderson deserved better.

Daniel had a lot of great moments, but I feel like his dialogue was too obviously viewer insert and on the nose a lot of times. I also found myself soured to him after his comments about Claudia in ep 5. Still, he has good chemistry with Armand from what we saw and I'd like to see more of them together going forward.

[inkstainedhandswithrings]

Touch Starved

A/N: Hi all you lovely people! I'm here with another out of context one-shot that will connect to a larger fix-it fic that I will hopefully post here one day! A HUGE thank you to the absolutely lovely @saturn-sends-hugs for beta reading this and giving me feedback! This wouldn't be the piece it is without you, love!! <333

warnings: mentions of death, grief, emotional vulnerability. mostly just fluff with sad overtones tho :)

pairing: Captain Rex x f!OC Nevaeh Requa

summery:Nevaeh returns to Coruscant after a siege and finds her apartment to be too quiet. A certain Captain seems to be having a similar problem.

masterlist

It was a quiet night on Coruscant. The 501st had just returned from a siege, alongside Nevaeh and her own battalion. They were granted an extended shore leave and Fives had invited Nevaeh and Rose to come to 79's with them.

It wasn't the first time he had asked either.  They had refused him in the past, but after coming home and taking a nap, both women soon found themselves not only bored, but overwhelmed with the vast difference between the volume of battle and the almost silent apartment on Coruscant.

Rose had finally decided on going with them, but Nevaeh was still reluctant.

She felt a little bad about turning Fives down again, because she cared about the clones she'd gotten to work with and she knew she would enjoy spending some time with them off the battlefield. But her new rank as General left her nervous about appearances. Perhaps it was vain of her, since she didn't have that problem as a Commander. Then again, that felt like a lifetime ago.

Either way, the apartment was too quiet, so she grabbed her headphones, boots and coat and made her way outside for a walk.

The area their apartment was in wasn't all bad. It was on the top level of Coruscant, military district. Not far from the clone barracks.

They realized this when they went out to the grocery store and the only people they met there were admirals and other high ranking nat-born officers. No clone troopers inside, though. They later met one from the 104th outside. Nevaeh remembered he introduced himself as Sinker. He had helpfully pulled up a map of Coruscant and shown off the different districts in the area and on the level. He'd finished with a wink and a cheap line.

"Barracks are right around the corner if you need anything else, ladies."

Nevaeh smiled at the memory. Secretly, she hoped to soon work with the 104th, so that she'd be re-introduced to Sinker as General Requa. Just to see his face.

Not realizing how far she'd wandered while lost in thought, Nevaeh saw that she'd made it to one of the passageways down into the planet's core. She stepped up to the railing, her chilled hands falling on top of the cold bar. As fascinated as ever, she watched as the ships rose and descended.

Nevaeh didn't like Coruscant because of its absence of nature and tranquility. Its energy felt rotten to her. A planet turned into one city, invested by too many people for it to bear. How the Jedi lived here full time she would never understand.

Regardless, this part, for some reason, she liked. The ships rising and descending from and to the planet's core somehow reminded her of an amusement park. She smiled fondly, remembering her sister back home. They had always loved the rides. Maybe she should try this one.

She was pulled out of her revere when her eyes wandered to the side and she became aware of a figure standing nearby, watching the ships like she was.

It only took her a second to notice the clone armor, marked with the deep, blue 501st paint. In the next second she noticed the kama on the trooper's hips and the jaig-eyes on the helmet he was loosely holding in his hands.

Pulling her headphones off and letting them rest on her shoulders, Nevaeh approached Rex, grazing a soft hand over his shoulder to get his attention.

"Hey, Rex," she said, but jumped back as he tried to seize her wrist.

Facing her, recognition lit up in his eyes and he quickly composed himself. "General Requa! Apologies, I wasn't... I didn't realize..."

"No, no," she quickly waved him off. "It was my mistake. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

A silence fell over them as Rex looked down and off to the side, unsure what to do. He had his hands clasped behind his back and was standing a bit ridgedly, somewhere between parade rest and standing normally. Noticing this, Nevaeh tried to cut through some of the tension.

"You also out on a walk?" she asked.

Rex looked at her surprised, before stammering out and answering. "Uh, yes, Sir. Something like that. Jus'... barracks and office felt a bit too quiet tonight, s'all."

Neaveh nodded thoughtfully, a tired smile on her lips. She turned back around and let her forearms rest on the railing to watch the ships again. "Yeah, I get that. Rose is out with some of your boys from Torrent right now. Couldn't handle the silent apartment either."

Coming to stand next to her, still very much rigid and uncomfortable, Rex followed her line of sight. "They took her to 79's then, Sir?"

Nevaeh chuckled. "Sure did. You really know your men if you can guess where they went."

Rex went quiet again, a hand reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. "Well, uhm... it's... it's not that hard to predict, Sir. 79's is the only place we can really go to."

"How come?" she asked, thinking nothing of it.

"The Republic picks up the tab for our drinks. Not... not all drinks, the cheap stuff, nothing fancy. Gets you drunk though," he explained.

Nevaeh gave him a puzzled look. "Your pay's that bad? Or do you guys just drink more than us?" She tried to ask in a casual way, but her meaning wasn't lost on either of them.

Rex wasn't sure how to answer. Or rather, he wasn't sure that any answer he could give would prevent her from getting upset. But he couldn't really ignore a question from a superior officer, so he searched for the words. "We... We don't get paid at all, Sir. The drink tab is about it."

At that she whipped around, fast enough for Rex's hand to land on his blaster. He cursed his own instincts, knowing that she wasn't a threat. A month on the battlefield had made him more skittish than he'd like to admit.

"You don't get paid at all?"

"No, Sir."

Silence.

Rex wasn't sure if she was shocked or angry. Maybe a mix of both. Selfishly, he felt glad. The fact that a nat-born who wasn't previously affiliated with the Republic or the GAR, felt so strongly about this made his tension soften. It melted into a feeling he couldn't quite describe. Still fluttery and nervous, but different somehow.

Some of the other nat-born officers he knew had no problem at all with him and his brothers not getting compensated. He'd even heard some say that they were lucky the Republic gave them food and a place to sleep. Not that he would call brown sludge and gray cubes "food". And not that he would call a metal plank with a thin excuse of a mattress "a place to sleep".

"Does it bother you?" she finally asked, sounding uncertain for the first time.

"Bother is... a strong word. I know that the Republic doesn't treat me and my brothers in the best way, but... those are the politicians. The people at the top. But that's not who the Republic is to me. To me it's the people. The people who live here on Coruscant and on all the other planets we freed from Separatist rule," he explained, not meeting her eye and instead opting to continue people-watching.

"The innocents," Nevaeh summed up.

"Yes," he agreed. "They're the ones I fight for." Rex jumped when he felt a hand land on top of his own. Looking down to the railing, he saw her softly grabbing his hand, grazing his knuckles. He was unsure of what it meant and how to respond. He and his brothers did touch each other, but not like this. The men used soft nudges and punches to connect to the others, but these soft, lingering touches and grazes that she was using? It was totally new to him. Her hand was cold, he could feel it through his glove. Briefly he wondered if an appropriate response would be to try and warm her hand up with his own, but then she was already pulling away.

Still, he looked down at his hand as though her own was still on top of it.

"You're a good soldier, Rex," she finally said and when he turned he was surprised to find her eyes trained on him.

"Thank you, Sir," Rex nodded in gratitude, her words filling him with pride.

"My name's Navaeh," she said. "A lot of people call me 'Vae too. You can use those when we're not on duty."

Rex, knowing the importance of names, only nodded in understanding. "Of course."

A more comfortable silence fell over them this time as they returned to watching the people below. After a while Nevaeh turned back to him.

"So you didn't go to 79's with the others?"

"Uh... no," he almost added a 'Sir' at the end of his sentence but he bit his tongue. "I have reports to fill out. Jus' needed a breather, s'all."

Nevaeh hummed in understanding. "What kinda reports?" she asked absentmindedly, watching a particularly large vessel rising from the planet's core.

"Casualties," he said.

She froze. "I thought the battalion's General fills those out?"

Rex grew nervous again. His hand reached up to scratch the back of his neck. She noted the gesture as one to communicate discomfort. "Uh... General Skywalker's... not particularly good with reports. I do most of the 501st paperwork and he jus'.... signs off on it."

Her hand landed on his arm this time and something inside him cursed his trusted armor for hindering him from feeling her skin against his. "Rex, that's terrible. Just because Anakin is bad at his job doesn't have to mean that you need to do it for him. You're only human too, you can't do it all! I'll talk to him, okay?"

"No!" His other hand flew up to her arm, holding her in place. "No, please Nevaeh," her name felt foreign on his tongue, but he noted the smile that tugged on her lips upon hearing it, "Don't talk to him. It's... it's fine. I... it's... it's important to me to fill out the casuality forms," he explained timidly.

Sensing there was more to this, Nevaeh didn't move or speak. She simply searched his eyes and waited. Upon noticing that she wouldn't back down, Rex visibly deflated. He leaned his hip against the railing and looked down again.

"It's the only time I get to mourn my brothers."

He truly expected her to say something that was meant to be uplifting. Sweet words that would make him offer a soft smile in return, but that had no real conviction behind them. Because how could they? Words couldn't bring back his brothers.

But Nevaeh didn't speak. Just squeezed his arm a little tighter, where his vambrace stopped and his blacks began.

Then it dawned on him. Her touch was there to support him. To make him feel less alone. To say what words couldn't. He offered a somber smile that she returned eagerly. Again, something stirred inside him, and he noticed a certain twinkle in her eye that he'd never seen before. His mouth went dry and his hands began feeling cold, even under his gloves.

"How many did we lose this time?" she asked mindfully, pulling away once the moment had passed.

The air around them was suddenly heavy with grief, as she allowed his feelings space, instead of trying to cheer him up. He hesitated before he answered. "About a company's worth of men that I know of so far. Maybe more, I haven't-," his voice caught in his throat briefly, "I haven't gotten around to going through all the med reports yet."

Next thing Rex knew Nevaeh's arms were around his neck and back and she was pulling him close. His bucket fell out of his hand and cluttered to the floor as he went stiff with shock.

"I'm so sorry, Rex," she said, her lips next to his ear.

Awkwardly, with his arms that had previously remained at his sides, he reached up to grab her biceps. He didn't know why, but he had to take a few deep breaths as emotion swelled up in his chest, threatening to spill out of his eyes. He blinked rapidly and softly took a step back from her, keeping her in place with a firm but gentle hold. He didn't want to push her away, but he hadn't exactly been prepared for the onslaught of feelings that her touch, even over his hard armor, could bring. 

Even now, she remained close to him, as he tried desperately to keep his eyes dry by continuing to blink back his tears. 

Her hands rested on his shoulders and since he didn't try to remove them, she left them there. She remained calm and steadfast, allowing him the moment he needed to get used to the new level of intimacy. 

He caught himself briefly wondering what it would be like if he could actually feel her skin against his own and as if she could read his mind she reached up slowly.

At first it was only her knuckles, brushing ever so gently against his cheek, but it caused him to audibly gasp. His eyes widened, as chills ran up and down his spine and he felt goosebumps forming on his arms below his armor.

She then opened her hand, to let her palm rest on his jaw, her thumb continuing the soft movement over his cheekbone that her knuckles had been performing before.

A fluttery feeling rose in his stomach as his knees grew weak and his face turned hot. Instinctively, his eyes fluttered close and he leaned into her touch, her hands now feeling much warmer than before.

She ran her index finger down the outside of his ear and chuckled. "Your ears are red."

His eyes flew open again. "Uh... sorry, Sir," he murmured, avoiding her gaze.

"Nevaeh," she corrected gently.

"Nevaeh, right. Sorry," he repeated.

"Don't be sorry." Her thumb traveled down until it was under his chin. Gently, she lifted it to meet his eye. "I think I'm starting to understand now."

And once again, she was wrapping her arms around him, chin on his shoulder. And this time, he didn't fight it. His arms grabbed her waist and back and he pulled her tightly against him, pressing his face into her neck. He breathed in her sweet scent and released a shuddering breath.

They stayed there for a while, wrapped in each other's arms. Two soldiers, united through war, with the knowledge that it will be war that tears them apart again, as it had too many times before.

[musicalrecs]

Today's shameless promotion is for a show I've never seen and probably never will, and honestly? That might be for the best. Because while I adore the soundtrack for Lord of the Rings: The Musical, and the official clips on Youtube look amazing, I've heard the actual show is a bit of a, well, mess. And the incredibly complicated staging and huge cast mean it never toured and probably never will. But oh, the music!

The two group Hobbit songs ("The Road Goes On" and "The Cat and the Moon") are rousing crowd pleasers. The duet between Sam and Frodo as they try to keep their spirits up during the long road to Mordor ("Now and For Always") makes me tear up no matter how many times I hear it, it's so perfect for them and the story.

The Elves' big number, "Lothlorien," is beautiful. Gimli's "Lament for Moria" is... okay, look, to be honest the first couple times I heard it I assumed it was in Dwarvish because I couldn't make out the lyrics. XD But Aragorn and Arwen's "Song of Hope," is sweet and romantic with appropriate epic overtones.

Also, Gollum (and Smeagol) get a monologue on the CD that always freaks me out before I remember to skip it. XD (Not because it's bad, I just don't like Gollum and don't want to listen to him scheme, and it's like the audio equivalent of a jump scare when it starts.)

If you're familiar with Lord of the Rings (and if you're not, this musical is probably not for you), you may be wondering, "how did they boil all that plot into one musical, however long?" and from the reviews I've read, the answer is "not well."

Apparently it was more like a ballet/cirque du soleill sequence of set pieces, with some weird Hobbit pantomime-type stuff in-between? Which is fine as long as you know that's what you're in for. (Note: still mad about the time I went to see Movin' Out, the Billy Joel jukebox musical, without realizing it was ballet for middle-aged dudes.) There's a video on Youtube that attempts to recreate the whole show from various illicit videos, and gonna be honest, I made it through about three minutes before deciding the pictures in my head didn't need supplanting.

I just looked up the composers for the purpose of this post (why had that never occurred to me before?), and A R Rahman's discography has it's own Wikipedia page. O_O So that's a famous and prolific Bollywood composer; Värttinä, a Finnish folk band I'm going to be looking up as soon as I'm done writing this; and a guy who doesn't have his own page on Wikipedia but according to IMDB has been doing Marvel movies. So, that's definitely an interesting trio.

Speaking of research, apparently a production has been announced for this summer!! ...In Newbury, England. ::sigh:: In a 200-seat theater, no less, with reasonable ticket prices, so clearly some revisions to the staging and cast have been made, and it's being marketed as "semi-immersive" and oh, suddenly I'm quite sad I don't have the budget to vacation in the UK this summer. (If any of you see it, don't tell me if it's good now. It will only hurt me if it is.)

Right, jealousy of people able to go aside, if you like Lord of the Rings and you like musicals, do yourself a huge favor and listen to the soundtrack. I guarantee you'll love it.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

My Loneliness is Killin' Me

I must confess I've never actually been a Britney Spears fan, but I'm glad she's out of conservatorship and that's still a catchy tune.

For serious, that line has been stuck lingering in my head for about a week now thinking about where I can still go and what I can still do because of affection starvation. Buckle up if you're gonna read this, because it's probably going to be a long, rambly one. (Again).

I started rewatching Pushing Daisies a couple weeks ago with a dear friend who's never seen it (at a distance...like all of my dear friends except for J, even the ones I grew up with, she's 200+ miles away from me now). I mean, I couldn't let another moment pass without introducing my friend to Ned the Pie Maker (Lee Pace, sans elf costuming, circa 2007-9ish...I mean fucking look at him).

I told her, truthfully, that Ned the Pie Maker is probably the fictional character (other than obviously Egon Spengler) that I've had the biggest romantic-fantasy sort of crush on. I mean it's hardcore. It's worse than George Bailey. It's worse than Dwayne Wayne. It's worse than Chris Stevens from Northern Exposure. Clearly I have a thing for tall, soft-spoken, shy/awkward nerds. And I've watched Pushing Daisies all the way through about 5 times (this is time number 6; and it's short, 2 short seasons for American TV because until he started writing about a serial killer, American TV didn't appreciate Bryan Fuller at all). But I haven't watched it since I turned 35. This is my first watch since I began exploring and trying to understand my own trauma history. This watch is showing me why I like the show and Ned so much (beyond the witty writing and the bright colorful styling and cinematography and the fact that Lee Pace is smoking hot).

Not to spoil the show for people who've never seen it, but it's a romantic comedy with happy, optimistic, hopeful overtones but a really sad, complicated, dark underbelly. Ned has a superpower. He can bring dead things back to life (with obvious, serious caveats and consequences, of course...every superpower has these) by touching them. Once. If he touches them twice, dead forever (there's another rule, but I won't spoil that one because I don't need to in order to get this shit out, in case anyone else wants to give the show a try). Before he knew the rules of the game, he saved his dog, and then his mother, the beings who loved him the most (his dad was distant and kind of a neglectful asshole). But he only gets Mom back for a couple of hours, because she tucks him into bed and kisses him goodnight (second touch...dead forever). He tries to use his gift with compassion and responsibility through a childhood of basically raising himself and being unable to snuggle his own dog. And then, as a man, who just makes pies, he sees that his childhood best friend/first kiss has died. And he touches her once, ostensibly to say goodbye, but he just can't bring himself to touch her again...because he loves her so much. So it's a touchless love story; a love story full of inconvenience and longing; an ABNORMAL love story that required a lot of adaptation and patience.

(not touching ^^^)

And I love that (and I love Ned) because he decided she was WORTH that patience and adaptation. After spending a lifetime being lonely and disconnected, maintaining an important, real connection comes with sort of this 'whatever it takes' attitude. I have that. When I make a connection. And sometimes that's good. When it's reciprocated (like it is with J and A, and like Ned has). And sometimes that leads me to getting used by shitty people. Because they made me believe the connection was real with all this seeming patience and adaptation; validating me, and I believe it because even if it's a lie, I'm lonely and affection starved and I want to believe it.

And so a couple nights ago we watched an episode featuring a main supporting character, Olive. Her parents ignored her as a kid. To the point that they didn't notice she was missing for days. Olive had stowed away with two criminals, who were kind to her and paid attention to her, and she grew to love them over the two days she was away from 'home,' because they genuinely liked her and cared about her. In the show, obviously, the robbers are really the good guys, because they were kind to Olive, but in MY actual life, I've thought of how many truly shitty people I've connected to out of loneliness. I've been having nightmares about the last one I connected to lately. And I've been thinking about how I definitely could and probably will connect to some other shitty person because as awesome as J is (he's actually quite similar to Ned the Pie Maker in many ways...he just can't bake a pie...), I'm still often pretty lonely. J can't be with me all the time. Clearly. It's not his responsibility to rid me of loneliness...even if it were possible for him alone to undo 25 years of drought before we met. I hope the next connection I feel is a Ned (or an Olive or an Emerson or a Chuck), because when I feel it, I'll put my 'whatever it takes' attitude and effort into maintaining it. Even if they're a criminal. Because the criminals in real life rarely have hearts of gold like they do on Pushing Daisies.

[mischa-auer]

Modern Screen, March 1937: Man of the Auer by Dorothy Spensley

Transcript of article:

Mischa steals a scene a minute, but there’s not a star who resents it

    To Mischa Auer, sad-eyed, thirty-one, a Russian refugee, tragedy is the cause of his riotous screen humor. Victim of a bloody era, orphaned at fourteen, his film antics are the results of his deliberate efforts to forget the tragedy his youthful eyes beheld.

    If you roared with laughter at his ape-like buffooneries in that crazy sequence in “My Man Godfrey,” rolled in the aisles at his satiric portrayal of the stoic Indian in “The Gay Desperado,” remember that the excellent humor of this fellow stems from a deliberate effort to stamp out the horror-memories of his youth.

    “America, too, is responsible for the kind of comedy I am now doing,” says this foreign-born humorist. “The humor of America is built mostly on ridicule. You ridicule customs, institutions, people, politics, national worries. It’s a great idea, because, in the case of troubles and worries, their tragic proportions are reduced by the satiric attacks.

    “When I came to New York sixteen years ago my attitude was typically Russian, morose. The things I had seen in my fifteen years had naturally served to make me serious, old in mind, unable to see any humor in life. Starvation, death, the overturning of an ancient regime- I had watched and experienced all these things.

    “In America, I soon saw, no one starved. There was security. That, to me, is the most vital thing in life. There was no danger of death by political intrigue. Anyone could get enough to wear. From a tense, under-nourished boy- I was only five feet tall when I was fifteen; as the result of food and care, after that age, I shot up to my present six feet two inches- I became laxed, anxious to absorb the spirit of this new country.

    “I soon realized that Americans don’t nurse old grudges- generally speaking. This was radically different from the Russian notion, where an old injury rankles within a man’s mind for years. Also, American humor seemed to be founded on ridicule of the adversities of life. It was easy for me to launch into that vein, anxious as I was to forget the life that I had led in my childhood. Around home I clowned. In the theatre, though, which I joined when I was nineteen, I was always cast in tragic or villainous roles. After eight years in Hollywood, the films have at last discovered that I am a comic. But when I act funny for the camera, I am not acting. I am doing just what I do around the house or at parties. I’m getting paid for being myself, not for acting.”

    If Auer’s professional problem seems complex, the break that brought him cinema attention is not. If Gregory LaCava had not remembered, as he was making “My Man Godfrey,” that one of the members of his cast, namely, Mischa Auer, had a panicking “gorilla act,” and that he had seen it eight years before at a Hollywood party, Mischa would probably still be not more than a glorified bit player.

    There is one reservation to this. About  the time of “Godfrey,” Rouben Mamoulian cast Auer as a strong, silent Indian, with marked satiric overtones, in “The Gay Desperado.” All Auer had to do was to walk around with a heavy expression, a colorful blanket, dank locks, a sugar-loaf hat perched atop his head (in 133-degree-Arizona-desert temperature) and, without saying a word, express disapproval at the waning savagery of Mexican banditry. Auer said for a month he did nothing but lift heavy lids and drop them, witheringly, until he was ready, in his own words, to “commit suicide from boredom.”

    Mischa didn’t do away with himself, however. Instead, when the two films, “My Man Godfrey” and “The Gay Desperado,” were released, one on the heels of the other, a new discovery loomed on the Hollywood horizon.

Chestnut-haired, pale-faced and black-eyed Auer accepts the news that he is Hollywood’s newest funny man with the same fatalism that he accepted his mother’s death, of typhus in Constantinople; his flight from Russia with her when word reached them that she was on a Chekov (Bolshevik Secret Police) execution list; that his father had died on a battlefield of the Russo-Japanese War; that, at twelve, he was to be taken with a trainload of children to Siberia as a Communistic child-rearing experiment.

    Utterly modern, entirely disillusioned, but not at all lacking in a warm, friendly interest in the human race, Auer furls his mournful eyelids and hopes that his success doesn’t mean that he will have to attend Hollywood premieres. While he likes a lot of chi-chi about his dinner table- gold plates, fine porcelains, finer linens, he lives simply, dresses simply, and is entirely happy with his Canadian-born wife, the former Norma Tillman, and their three-year-old son, Tony.

    “I didn’t marry for love, you know,” he answers a question. “I married for companionship. My wife is the grandest and funniest person in the world. She clowns around as much as I do, and we’re always laughing.” continues Auer.

    Mischa Auer has other claims to fame besides his recent film success. He is a grandson of the late Leopold Auer, Hungarian-born, Russian-naturalized violin instructor to Jascha Heifetz, Mischa Elman, Efram Zimbalist. More than that, with his parents’ tragic deaths, his grandfather, who died in 1930, legally adopted him and Mischa assumed his name. Young Auer’s real name is Ounskowski. His mother was Leopold Auer’s daughter. Mischa, which is short for “Michael,” has it figured out that he has Hungarian, Russian, Swedish and Jewish blood.

    “Little Michael” was born in St. Petersburg. To this day Mischa (pronounced “Mee-sha”) refuses to mention the city of his birth by any other name, although through successive political changes it has become Petrograd and Leningrad. In 1917, when he was twelve, the Red Revolution burst with all its horror upon Russia.

    Mischa’s family was “petty nobility.” They were entitled to a crest and a crown with five prongs on it. Barons had seven prongs on their crowns; counts, nine. Tastefully, the Ounskowskis made no use of their small title, preferring to remain upper-class bourgeoisie. Nevertheless, when the revolution broke, Mischa and his mother were immediately listed as aristocrats.

    To make all men equal was the Communits’ ideal, so, with a number of other children of aristocratic families, Mischa, at twelve, was hauled off to Siberia to be raised according to Communistic principles. Fortunately for the children, it was spring when this idea took form. Spring in Siberia is not as bad as winter in that far north land. It was bad enough, however.

    But the children, as youngsters often do, became their own saviors. They snatched food as they could, robbed, stole, begged, and soon proved a nuisance to the very people who had high hopes for their transformation from little aristocrats to little Communists. They were soon bundled back onto a train and returned to their homes.

Mischa’s joy at being aain with his mother was short-lived. Soon they were fleeing for their lives. In the days of the Czarist regime, Madame Ounskowski had been active socially. One of her activities had been that of patroness for a musicale. The list of patrons had been headed by one of the Grand Dukes. Scouring about for signs of treason on the parts of their newly-created comrades, the Chekov discovered an old letterhead listing the sponsors of the musicale. The Grand Duke’s name was enough to direct suspicion to the patrons and patronesses. Soon the police were searching for all persons whose names appeared on the letterhead.

    Weeks later the Ounskowskis found themselves in Turkey. They made their way to Constantinople, then occupied by the British Expeditionary Forces. By the time he was fourteen, Mischa was serving the British Army. He was not actually fighting, but there was plenty of leg work the eager youngster could do in Constantinople. 

    His mother, too, soon founded a hospital on a nearby island in the Black Sea. It was for refugees, and Mischa joined her there. But the story of Mischa’s life, which should ordinarily end on a fairly happy note, speeds on. In Mischa’s fourteenth year typhus raged in Southern Europe. People died like flies. One of the victims was Mischa’s mother.

    Grief might have overwhelmed many a youngster of his age, but Mischa had long since stopped shedding tears. Crying was a waste of time in the midst of the colossal desolation that his generation had been born into. Mischa prepared to do the last thing he could for his mother… bury her. It was Sunday, and the Sabbath in Turkey is religiously celebrated. Not a shop was open. No one worked. He could get no dray to carry a casket to where his mother’s body lay. He walked to the casket-maker’s shop and carried his mother’s casket home on his back. It was a muscle-tearing, heart-breaking task, but he did it.

    Left alone in the midst of pestilence, Mischa thought how he might escape. A few jewels remained in his mother’s belongings, which he sold. Then he found his way to Florence, Italy, where a girlhood friend of his mother’s lived, married to a local attorney. They welcomed the haggard lad; fed him, clothed him, then cabled his grandfather, Leopold Auer, in New York. The music master sent for his orphaned grandson.

Here, again, should come a happy ending to a terrible childhood, but, no. Grandpa Auer’s secretary met the wrong boat, and Mischa was shunted into Ellis Island. Mischa’s first impressions of America were not pretty. Characteristically, he holds nothing against anyone for that experience. Incredible episodes in his life have left him numb to trivial discomforts. Then, too, don’t forget the natural fatalism of the Russians, “What is to happen, will happen, and nothing you can do will stop it…”

    In New York, Mischa’s life at last became that of the normal youngster. He enrolled in the Ethical Culture School, a private institution, concerned with proggressive ideas in education. At nineteen Mischa went on the stage. That seemed to be his life work. Now he wants to become a director. He is not without experience in this work. In the East he conducted his own summer stock company, giving one-act plays. On Broadway, he appeared in “The Wild Duck,” “The Riddle Woman,” “The Kibitzer.”

    Touring with Bertha Kallich players brought him to Los Angeles in 1928. Once there, he entered films; displayed villainy in “Lives of a Bengal Lancer,” “Clive of India,” and others. Now, under long-term contract, Universal has him doing a comedy Hamlet in a night club set-up, with a negro Greek chorus, interpolating and adding the syncopated note, in “Top of the Town.” He recites the Soliloquy, and the skull is electrically lighted, the eye sockets blinking on and off. Mischa, with irony, relishes the idea immensely. Also, he relishes the part of the “ham” film actor that he is doing, at the same moment, for Hal Roach’s “Pick a Star.”

    The Auers are naturalized American citizens. His favorite author is the typically American Gene Fowler. Auer’s biggest surprise, besides that of his sudden picture popularity, came when an Eastern publisher turned down a lengthy version he had written about his hectic life. The publisher undoubtedly thought he was exaggerating. That is exactly what Mischa would not bother to do. Why should he, when, in his case, truth is more devastating than fiction?