#woe is me i want to write so bad and i cant

[arnold-layne]

this idea. has been brewing in me for a while. and i am highly inclined to begin writing it if i do say so myself

[drchucktingle]

misguided protectors of the trot

some unique ways are so overwhelmed by tales of woe that if you are joyful in your trot buds appear and say 'you cant exist you must be a parody'. it is amazing how hard it is for neurotypical cis straight buds to accept someone could just joyfully be queer and autistic

entire writing career has obviously had pushback from conservative devils but a few leftwing buds trying to police voices for special online points is always so eyerolling. 'chuck is homophobic a book about queer joy MUST be parody' 'chuck is ableist hes too aware to be autistic'

these scoundrels say ‘wait this is not dramatic tragedy about gay men overcoming discrimination? THEN IT IS NOT REAL QUEER ART’ or ‘wait your story about autism is not about how it was SO HARD but you finally made it when a neurotypical bud took you under their wing? FAKE STORY'

i am betting some who do this (sometimes literally to chuck over the years) will read this and say ‘well thats not me.’ and i have to say… ‘BUD IT IS YOU’. it might not be as obvious and you may think theres more nuance but THIS is the thought process just below surface

so what is point? point is: to all my well meaning leftwing buds, your love and care is appreciated but you do not need to police communities you are not in. support all you want but SUPPORT and POLICING are very different things. gatekeeping is not your job

second. work to accept that your buds CAN MAKE JOYFUL ART. they can also make STRANGE, SILLY, FRIGHTENING, SICKENING, PLAYFUL, or PUNK ROCK art. theres no one APPROVED way to express these perspectives, and if you are outside this community it is not your job to keep the gate

as time goes on and buds realize what i am doing with my creations these bad takes get rarer and rarer. i am DOIN VERY GOOD. my post is mostly out of concern for young buckaroo artists without a big following, who want to build something unexpected and strange and bold

let queer buckaroos write stories with happy endings OR terrible endings that make you squirm. let autistic buckaroos paint with joy and complexity or deep sadness and minimalism.  the way these voices get tokenized is by insisting they need to have ONE SPECIFIC WAY

proving love is accepting that we all have our own unique trot, even you. ESPECIALLY YOU. get out there and create YOUR THING buckaroo. thank you for reading buds. LOVE IS REAL

[vampykween]

i used to be so obsessed with this song i forgot how much i love it, but this makes me want to write valeria so badly.

valeria garza x f!reader 18+ mdni

i just imagine you’re stuck in a dead end relationship - you’d leave him if you hadn’t been with him for so many years. he’s sweet but he’s boring and your sex life is pitiful. you just want to be with someone who excites you.

you’re out one weekend with your friends, downing shots in a too crowded club to forget all your woes when you feel like you’re being watched. and that’s when you see her.

she’s staring at you like you look good enough to eat - which is what you were subconsciously going for when you hurried out the door past your boyfriend in a skimpy little dress. not that he'd even notice, whatever game was on tv captured his attention far better than you ever could.

the woman catches your eye and tilts her at you to come over to her, you feel bad abandoning your friends, but something about her makes you want to do anything she asks. you slink over as best as you can with the alcohol in your system and she grabs your hand and pulls you into the velvet booth with her.

"what's your name beautiful?" she purrs at you and you're not sure if the flush on your face is because of the shots or the way her voice goes straight between your legs. your nerves have you stumbling over your name and she chuckles at that.

"do i make you nervous, hmm?"

"no, i-" you shake your head and stop short because she is making you nervous; you shouldn't be preening under her attention when your boyfriend's waiting back home, but also she's making a flurry of emotion thrum inside of you. the hand not gripping the glass of her drink trails up the inside of your dress, and she looks at you expectantly waiting for you to tell her to stop. slowly, her hand travels farther until it reaches the lacy thong you threw on - for what you're not sure, but maybe you secretly were hoping something like this would happen. she hums appreciatively at her discovery and rubs your clit languidly over your panties; you cant remember the last time you were so riled up and wet at such delicate touches, but you were on the verge of whining loudly and begging her to fuck you.

would you really do that? let this mysteriously alluring woman in a club, who makes you feel alive like you never have before, have her way with you right here? her ministrations don't let up, and the way you lean into her and moan softly answers your question.

"pobrecita," she coos in your ear. "such a desperate little thing. tell me what you want amor, anything, and i'll give it to you."

[acotarfrustrations]

An ongoing list of ACOWAR grievances I'm keeping track of while I read (because there's too many to make a post about all of them) pt. 2

I'm on chapter 15 now and feeling the urge to complain again so here we go

1) the writing is way too overdramaticized. Like every other paragraph is some remixed version of feyre going "I wondered whether it would be eggs or bacon for breakfast. But when I looked at Rhys I realized that he was giving me my own choice. My mate, my high lord. In our home. With our family. Every thing was always my choice" and its CONSTANT, LIKE OH MY GOD GIRL SHUT UP

2) every thing about Lucien's plotlineand the elain mating thing. I HATE this subplot with a PASSION

3) feyre immediately fucking rhys when she got back instead of going to see her sisters

4) feyre and rhysand acting like they've ben separated for forty centuries instead of a month

5) the contradictions about how the high lord thing works. Like it was established that its a government position given to you through basically fate and being chosen by the cauldron or whatever which is why siblings kill each other for a chance for the throne and yet they just went to a priestess and swore feyre in as high lady?? It makes her title not feel real like it's purely ceremonial. It doesn't even make sense that she would be able to be HL of the night court as she has no more ties to that court than she does any other court. Is it because she's mated to Rhys? I don't understand the HL lord at all, it just keeps changing

6) the fact that Feyre, Rhys, and Cassian tell Lucien about their tragic backstories and everything that's happened to feyre at the NC and he just immediately does a Feyre™️. Like he's suddenly "Oh yeah you had a horrible childhood and took feyre into your found family without letting her explore relationships outside of the IC, that totally makes up for all the evil shit THAT IVE SEEN YOU DO WITH MY OWN 2 EYES. wow i cant believe youre not evil even though you killed 50 winter court children and sexually assaulted your mate and mind raped her constantly to get her to like you"

7) the way they're treating Nesta. It has been a MONTH since she was stolen from her home, brought amongst a race that she is terrified of and THAT ENSLAVED HER PEOPLE, and was forcefully turned into ONE OF THEM and the IC is acting like she's being unreasonable for not wanting to talk to them or to mate with Cassian. WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE EVEN BE THINKING ABOUT CASSIAN RIGHT NOW?? WHY THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR HIM? Instead of him worrying about how his mate is doing regardless of his own comfort he's like WOE IS ME, SHE DOESNT WANT TO FUCK ME?????? GET OVER IT ASSHOLE?? WHY IS FEYRE EVEN LETTING CASSIAN COME NEAR HER AND ANTAGONIZE HER?? DOESNT SHE LOVE TO FLAUNT HER HL STATUS AROUND?? THIS IS THE TIME TO USE IT, PROTECT YOUR GODDAMN SISTER FROM HIM? ITS SO OBVIOUS THAT SHE DOESNT GIVE NEARLY AS MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT NESTA AS SHE DOES ELAIN!!

8) the fact that sjm didn't keep cassian's wings shredded. Him learning to live with that would have been a badass character development but now sjm doesn't want me to have good things

9) the mating bond in general. I think it could be a potentially good plot device but no one ever employs it well and sjm is definitely the most egregious with it

10) the fact that the ic never gave consequences for their fucking actions. Feyre dies in acotar? Turn her into a fey and give her ALL of their powers. Stealing a precious artifact that they didn't even end up needing and getting a bounty on their head in the summer court and then getting that court invaded? That's fine because feyre is SOOO brave and says things that are common fucking sense which makes her SOOOO smart so we obviously need her as an ally so we'll just rescind the blood rubies. Getting the spring court sacked? That's fine we didn't like them anyway. Rhys and feyre's bond gets snapped? Well they didn't know about our super secret mating bond that is actually the only thing that gives our characters chemistry so we still like each other. Rhys causes irreparable damage to every court for 50 years and kills 50 kids? Well that's fine he was being held hostage and hey! We don't know he actually killed those kids 😡 Feyre, a 20 year old girl who's been fae for like 6 months and training for even less goes up against thousands of years old beings? She beats them effortlesslessly! Rhys gets sexually assaulted for 50 years! Well he planned all of it so it has no negative consequences on him. Cassian gets his wings shredded? Well he worked really hard and they're fixed now 🥰. Rhys FUCKING DIES?? Well that's no problem, tamlin can just resurrect him, nvm the fact that there's no reason why he WOULD. like no harrowing situation is ever interesting cause we all know sjm isn't actually going to do anything to the ic

11) "my mate" STOP SAYING IT PLS IM BEGGING

12) "males and females" STOP SAYING IT PLS IM BEGGING pt. 2

[the-s1lly-corner]

Seeing Kinger stuff is so nice gosh! Would it be cool to get the rest of the fluff alphabet with him please? Or if that's too much the ones you'd like to write about most

Kinger fluff alphabet! the whole thing!

two things one is more so one of my personal woe things unrelated to you but i deleted my masterlist immediately after finishing it because i didnt like the layout of it; 3 hours down the drain SOBS other thing! imma go ahead and link the other fluff alphabet stuff so its a complete list! actually third surprise thing, WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME I ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT TO PUT P IN THE FLUFF ALPHABET/lh/nm i fixed it now but i cant believe i skipped a letter i feel so dumb

ABSTRACT- if you were to ever abstract he would probably abstract himself. i mean if the things about queener/queenie are true and they were close, then that would mean this guy would lose a loved one TWICE. that would most definitely break someone, and kinger is already on the edge as it is. if he somehow doesnt abstract, he probably becomes even more paranoid; kind of shutting everyone out almost because he sure as hell knows he cant take a third heartbreak. rarely ever leaves his pillow fort, unless hes physically dragged out? sometimes he forgets you're gone, because he just refuses to believe the truth. sad stuff

BONDING- will rattle on and on about cool bug facts, if he has his own collection in his room he will show you it! maybe, if you want, he will let you hold some of the critters! tells a lot of stories, nicer ones from when things in the circus arent so... bad.. usually when hes in a good headspace! you get the feeling he embellishes his stories... not too different from a grandfather trying to make his experiences seem more glamorous and action packed than they really were

CUDDLING- he is very hard, due to him being a chess piece, but his clothes do a really good job at softening him! no arms :(... usually rests his hands on your back, or maybe has one on your shoulder and the other on your hip. switches between being big and little spoon, sometimes he wants to hold and sometimes he wants to be held

DATES- you can find them here!

EMOTION- kinger is... odd... im not sure where he lies, because i think sometimes he does have moments where he remembers thing and it overwhelms him, so that may be the main time hes the emotional one. however, i guess this entire time for emotional ive been focusing on more.. 'bad' emotions, but i think kinger would gush about how much he loves you, like WOAH! he is just overflowing with feelings right now

FAMILY- honestly he gives me dad vibes, if this dude doesnt already have kids in the real world (wow thats a sad thought... dude is like MIA probably and his kids are left to wonder where he went. double owie if queener/queenie was his real life wife before things happened) so if you guys make it back to the real world and unite, you're gonna be a step parent! would he like to have more kids with you? i think it depends, he would want it, though!

GIFT- you know how some people put bugs in like, cases to preserve them or something? i feel like he would give you those with some of his prettier bugs! loves anything you give him, he always keeps them stored safe in his room!

HARSH- you guys dont really get into arguments, i dont think! kinger doesnt like hiding things from you unless its something deeply personal, but otherwise hes an open book to you

IN HOUSE ADVENTURE- here!

JEALOUSY- its not so much as him being jealous as it is him being paranoid that something is going to happen to him or you, so! even if he wasnt worrying himself half to death he doesnt exactly seem like the jealous type to me, tbh

KISS- its time for my favorite thing for characters with no mouth!!! he boinks his face into yours, i actually wrote something for this! not gonna link it since its so short and i can easily relay the idea: but he would internally hype himself up (usually does this if this is the beginning of the relationship, he gets more confident as time goes on!), and just lightly 'pecks' your cheek before pulling away. loves kissing your cheeks as well as the back of your hands. loves being kisses where his mouth would be as well as his cheeks

LOVE LANGUAGE- quality time!! this man follows you around like a love sick puppy, because he loves you so much but also because again, he worries.. he also likes doing acts of service for you, makes him feel like hes capable of doing things on his own (which he is!). loves it when you return the favor via words of affirmation

MENDED- is he dreaming? is he imagining things again?

nope, its really you. somehow, you've recovered from abstracting, and you're now out of the cellar. he wants to hold you and never ever ever let you go, out of fear that hes going to come to his senses any second and youll be gone. wants to keep you in the pillow fort with him, or at least within his line of sight

NO- its less of an active dealbreaker and more of a "hey this is going to stress him out and probably hurt his mental health" but like, i dont think he would pair well with a really really intense person. like sure caien is pretty intense, but its not like caine is going to be spending a significant amount of time with him everyday, but like. you know? like i talk about some characters enjoying being on their toes and left guessing in regards to their partner, but kinger is NOT one of those people. he needs stability

PDA- less of a case where he actively and knowingly indulges in PDA and more so a case where he subconsciously holds onto your hand to keep you at arms length and to feel you. due to his lack of arms he has probably wandered off without you (and his hand) at least once. is not opposed to PDA, though, so long as its not like. insane

QUIET TIME- quiet time between the two of you is very rare. sure kinger can be very quiet when hes alone, but when hes alone with someone else, someone he cares so much about.. he cant help but fill the silence with words, to keep the ringing in his ears at bay .. so really quiet time is talking time

ROSES- ill mention it again in V (i wrote v before this section), he loves giving you roses especially on special occations! loves receiving flowers as well, he seems like a rose kind of guy as well

SHH- the one thing he doesnt like talking about is queener/queenie, well, more so the last few days leading up to her abstraction. it brings up. well, memories. on one hand he doesnt want to forget her, but on the other hand he doesnt want to bare the pain of those terrible memories

TUNES- THIS THIS THIS THIS ONE ALWAYS COME TO MY HEAD WHEN I THINK OF ROMANTIC HCS FOR SWEETIDEAS FOR OLDER GUYS IDK WHY

UPSET- im going back and forth with a lot of these as i fill in the list so! tying this in with E, i mention one of the only times he gets emotional is when he remembers some unfortunate events that took place in the circus. you're going to need to console him and bring him back to the present moment :(. when you're upset he tries to distract you, takes you to his fort, and tells you stories

VALENTINE- on the chance that he remembers what day it is, hes going to give you the most sterotypical date he can give to you. i think it might be because i can kind of see kinger as like, a classic/stereotypical romantic when it comes to you. flowers, he cant take you out to dinner so he takes you out to the digital lake to gaze at the clouds and watch the bugs pass

WANT- he wants a companion, he wants stability, and thats something he needs. he wants someone to be compassionate about him, his wellbeing, and his interests

XOXO- here! as well as Yearn!

ZZZ- if you guys go to sleep together its always in his room, where hes more comfortable. he also has a thing where he insists on being the one closer to the door; almost as if hes offering himself as protection to you should someone unwanted to come in. huh. always sleep holding onto you, snores like a dad

[gtzel]

Without the Sun- a Nico Di Angelo GT Fanfiction

I. Undead Mice Bring Me Kit-Kats

First/previous/next

It's just a crush, how bad could it be? This was my mindset before everything went wrong. If you think this book will be some kind of sweet sappy romance novel, then by all means close it and go back to whatever you were doing before you decided to read it. Mine is a story that you probably don't want to read. Honestly I wouldn't even be writing it if it wasn't that i felt it was absolutely necessary to inform the young of my kind of the woes they will endure. You may be thinking "Oh please, you cant have it all that bad, your just a kid" and only the ladder would be correct. You see, I'm not just any kid, oh no, I'm worse, and I've gone through things I can guarantee that you've never even imagined. So turn back, look away, unless you want to go through the rollercoaster of emotions that is my life.

    My name is Nico Di Angelo, and this is the story of how I lived, when everyone I loved died. It all started about two weeks ago. The people previously living in my house decided to move out suddenly for no apparent reason.

    My mom later found out that they had been evicted which, basically means that they weren't paying to stay there anymore and had to be kicked out. I had asked my mom why we weren't evicted. You see, we don't technically pay to live in this house. In fact, the owners don't even know we exist. No, we aren't ghosts, though those also live here, we are Borrowers.

    Let me explain, we Borrowers are tiny people about as tall as your finger, we live in the walls and borrow things you won't miss. And yes, I already asked my mom if it was counted as stealing. The answer is no because its so small you won't even notice, so don't get petty.

    Anyway, I had been out playing with my sister Bianca while my mom was out gathering supplies. We were playing that we had seen the human kids playing when we heard the sound of a car rolling up the driveway.

    "Nico, we have to go" my sister whispered as she grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the nearby brush.

    "Wait Bianca, I want to see what it is." I said breaking from her grasp as I ran to see what was happening.

    I ran over to the corner of the massive house and peeked over the side to try and catch a glimpse of who was coming. A red '78 Camaro was parked in the driveway. There was an awful stench emitting from the car, like gasoline and burnt cigars. A fat man who honestly looked- and smelled- like someone who hadn't bathed in years, he had maybe three hairs on his head that were slicked to the side with globs of hair gel. I already didn't like him.

    "hey sally, you and the kid unpack while I get the guys over to play poker, and don't be loud!" The ugly man snarled as he lumbered into the house.

    after seeing the man, I dreaded what the others looked like, but to my surprise, the woman who emerged from the passengers side was actually really pretty. She had golden brown hair and eyes that sparkled with kindness. She reminded me a lot of my own mom, but bigger. For a human she actually seemed decent. Sally- I recall that was her name- walked to the trunk of the car and began to open it.

    Then the third began to emerge from the car, I had only caught a glimpse of his jet black hair when I was suddenly. Tugged back by my arm.

    "Nico, you cant just run for like that, what if someone saw you?" My big sisters panicked but stern expression made me drop my gaze.

    "Sorry, I was just curious" I muttered guiltily.

    "it's okay, but you have to be more careful next time." She looked back to where I had been "common, we need to get home before mom gets too worried" she said gesturing to the entrance near the sewage drain.

    We walked to the entrance and bianca went in first, but before I entered I looked back and gasped. There all the way on the other side of the house, peeking out from behind the corner wall, was a little boy. The human child had the most piercing sea green eyes, he looked about thirteen and his skin was a beautiful hue of olive. He was staring right at me, his eyes wide as saucers, and mouth agape in shock.

    Startled, I broke the gaze and quickly darted into the entrance. Bianca was not too far away from me and walking with her back to me. I shook my head and tried to act normal as I ran up to meet her, but I couldn't get that boys face out of my head.

    "What took you so long?" She inquired as I caught up with her out of breath.

    "Thought I-" I huffed "saw something" I took in a sharp breath "gods, why are you so fast?"

    My sister laughed "its only because your so little, don't worry, when your big like me you'll be the fastest borrower ever" she patted my head lightly ruffling my hair in the process.

    "even faster then you?" I asked eagerly, filled with a new desire to run.

    "maybe~" she said before yelling "tag!" And racing off.

    "hey that not fair" but all she did was keep running and giggling.

    Once I finally got home Bianca was sitting at our dinner table happily slurping up soup my mom had made. My mom was working in the kitchen and she smiled when she saw me.

    "Nico darling, could you pass me the Basel leave please?" She said, and her eyes crinkled in a warm comforting way when she smiled. I reached over to our pantry box and sorted through it until I found the Basel, then i handed it to my mom "Thank you dear, why don't you go join your sister at the table, your dinner will be ready soon"

    I walked over and sat down next to my sister "why'd you ditch elite that?" I scowled at her.

    "it was just a joke" she giggled "but I'm sorry or ditching you, I just wanted to show you that you're not faster then me yet" she smiled sweetly and I sighed in defeat.

    "it's okay,just don't do it again k?"

    "okay," she said.

    My mom brought the food to the table and sat down, we all ate together. And for that moment everything was perfect. After I went to bed though I just couldn't get those eyes out of my head, something about them. They were striking like they knew things, so many things, yet still so innocent.

    I tossed and turned for a few hours but just couldn't get to sleep. It had always been something I struggled with. Finally I gave up on sleep and walked out to get some fresh air. If I couldn't sleep i could at least practice.

    The night air was risk and chilly, but not uncomfortably so. I stood on the space between thee entrance of our house and the grass of the side yard. I exhaled a focused breath and held out my hand palm down and focused on the dark aura coming from the ground.

    Then it began to happen, a light rumbling coming from the ground. Small bones began to emerge and collect themselves together until they finally created a complete skeletal mouse, with glowing orbs where the eye sockets were.

    "Welcome Prince of Darkness, how can we serve your highness?" They both spoke in complete unison which, yeah I get it, a little creepy, but thats just my life.

    "I need you take me inside the house, I trust you know a way" I spoke with complete confidence. Now that I think about it, I was a freaky eleven year old, raising the dead and all. The mice nodded then let me mount one of their skeletal backs.

    We set off, the mice were quite happy to be able to run again. That's one thing I've found about the dead, they are usually pretty cool with helping you out as long as they get to be sort-of-alive again. Though there was this one guy who kept talking about getting revenge on some Di-noi-ssi-us guy, I didn't really understand him all that much so I just. Buried him again.

    We hadn't been going very far when I spotted my target, a Kit-Kat bar that had been dropped beneath the counter. I ordered the other undead mouse to carry it and they obliged, then we continued on. I really wanted to see that boy again when he couldn't see me. We searched around the whole house and finally found him in the room to the far right of the front door.

    The mice helped me get unto a nearby empty bookshelf that had been recently moved. I looked down to the corner of the rom where the boy's cot lay, with him sleeping in it. It's not stalking if it's for research right? I watched his relaxed breaths as he dreamed peacefully. I opened the kit-kat bar as quietly as i could and began munching on it as I observed the boy.

    In the moonlight his lips looked soft and his hair lightly brushed across his face. I sighed longingly, I wondered what it would be like to be his size, or even better, his friend. I began to zone out but snapped back to reality when I heard a sharp intake of breath from the human boy. I looked to see what he was looking at. Crap.

    One of the mice was skittering around not a foot away from his face. I observed as he carefully snatched up the undead mouse, and examined it as it crawled around his hand. He giggled quietly as he tiny mouse touched noses with him. The sound was like the freshness o a morning breeze. A quiet sigh escape my lips, he was perfect. I wished that I could be in the mouses place.

    "Hey there little guy" he spoke softly, and his voice was so beautiful. "Where'd you come from, and how are you moving?" The mouse didn't reply, simply sniffing his hands instead.

    I rested my hand behind me but froze when I heard a crinkle behind me.

[neopuppy]

hiii i’m just curious and don’t mean to sound offended or anything but what’s your beef with hot sauce considering a lot of people (myself included) like it?

💀

I’ve said many times I wrote Hot Sauce during my absolute lowest period mentally(lockdown covid times, crying everyday, unsure of my will to live, etc) so I don’t look back on that fic fondly…. shockingly enough..

plus it was like the second series I ever wrote and posted on here and me, naive little ole me, had no idea how angry that stupid story was going to make people. I got a lot of shit over that fic, and looking back now I do think it’s because I was newer around here at the time vs now I do believe I have written worse/much more ‘taboo’ but bc I am oh so beloved and ~popular~ now, these losers seems to mostly leave me alone. thankfully.

I am STILL blamed time and time again for why ‘stepcest’ is so normal on nctblr lmfaoooo like as if I invented the genre.

its crazy bc writing for two fandoms now, I really do not get the type of hate and anger from the other vs how nctzens have metaphorically flung shit at my face over fanfic repeatedly and it alllllllllll started with Hot Sauce. like I said, if I could I would just delete it but TO THIS DAY!!! I get asked about that fucking fic and if I will update it. I leave it up for all of you but it’s not a story I can be proud of personally bc of all the bad memories attached.

its kind of sad yk bc I wrote that fic I would say during a time I have probably never loved nct dream more, like that was peak for me, but fans realllllllly can ruin things for you and all the nastiness I’ve been dealt with over something people could’ve just NOT read made me back away from the story. LITTLE DID I KNOW HYBRID AU’S WOULD GET PEOPLE JUST AS MAD TOO🤣 cant do shit around here!!!!!

but yeah I don’t want to start the woe is me shit, I’m just explaining why😬

look at the fics on nctblr now though……..you are welcome everyone💚

[anx1oustig3r]

talking about writing woes under the cut, it’s like i’m not intending to whine but i understand the way i talk about things comes off more weird than i mean to so just, it’s under the cut anyway, i think it’s fair to want to get some thoughts out on my own blog

i sat down to try and get back to work on my fanfic and, ouch, OUCH. every time i stare at the document i just get this wave of defeat. a voice in my head over and over saying “this is stupid. this is pointless and cringe. this is way too over the top for a dota fanfic. why don’t you just turn it into an original thing because you butchered the source material so much you fucking loser your writing is also just trash garbage anyway.” and it’s like holy fuck i’ve barely even written a sentence, calm down.

it sucks bc i am so god damn passionate about this fic, i believe in sunbreeze with every fibre of my being. i genuinely want nothing more to just write a cool story about this part of a thing i really like that i see a lot of interesting potential in. and i do not want to come across as pretentious in saying any of this, but i want to also be able to show like, hey, you can do fun and cool stuff with this thing that has no lore, it’s possible!

but it’s not fun to sot there second guessing yourself repeatedly for hours on end because you can’t tell if this thing you’ve written is actually good or is it complete first grade tripe that has everyone who reads it laughing at you behind your back (okay im well aware that’s mostly paranoia but like, yknow). i want writing to be fun again, i wanna feel excited to make this thing but i feel dread. i thought working on a second draft would make me feel better, because i would be fixing things i hated in whats currently there, but im just locked in the same feelings i had when i slowed down on the first version, and that is i just i feel like this is all a clown show and the equivalent of people awkwardly passing by a busker on an empty street.

now i know the solutions are either take a break or turn it into an original thing but

a) ive already been taking a break and using my free time there to learn new skills, the result is i can 3D model but im also going fucking insane

b) no.

at the core, i’m just frustrated and would love to not listen to those bad feelings, but it’s been months now with minimal progress and tbh i am exhausted. part of me wants to hang up the story completely but that would also be admitting to full failure and proof that i cant finish anything bc my brain is broken, so that’s not cool.

i feel like i had a more productive ramble, but promptly forgot it as i was writing it, oh well.

[kozykricket]

yknow maybei ll write more about this in a big vent post (oops, this post ITSELF turned into the big vent post.

honestly i feel like im having a sort of Creativity Crisis

like. ehngv theres so many things to make but i also just. cant be bothered. and. for some things, it seems they've been done before for other things? they havent been done but they're very daunting and. overwhelm me and... i should probably just like, actually plan things out.. and not scope things so high i really wanna be able to say "heres a clean nice youtube video i have where i explain the concept behind what i think pokemon swsh had going for it and how i'd take some of its existing elements, change a few themes, and make it awesom!!"

i want to... make tons of cool builds in minecraft and terraria i want to.. make mods for minecraft! that do subtle lil things.. and tweak lots of aspects of the game! or maybe even sometimes big things! i. want to. but i also, really dont . because theres just so much

i think im just... really scared that i wont be able to ever get all of or even any of my best ideas out there in the world, and. im also desperate to try and prove that im not just an ideas person. that i am someone who can create things and i mean i LIKE creating things! i LIKE the trial and error process! i like... when i get really into something, and have to try and like. troubleshoot what problems may arise but sometimes theres certain types of troubles where they just push me away because im uncomfortable about having to learn how to deal with them and. shit. i dunno. woe is me i guess. despite this id like to clarify im in a p decent mood overall, i certainly havent had a bad day. its really just uh, past midnight thoughts that have suddenly happened. i had a nice day.

but GOD i . i want ot be someone do soemthing and . yet im so convinced that im someone who just WONT. whos just a little whiny person who wont be able to do anything because... im just unmotivasted or whatever and. im also just , genuinely like. i find it almost hard to care sometimes. about the things that i know i desire. because i just Cannot be Bothered. ill just wait until someone else makes the thing... or ill just, write it down as an idea and itll forever be a WIP i want to build stuff in terraria and minecraft at the VERY least right now and like. i have ideas for both of them. but GOD it just. seems... so.. i dont CARE. they're cool Little Ideas but i donT CAREEee waaah whatever its like 3am rn my mind is . not worth listening to

[tapatiopickle]

4224 stupid shit idk

“i believe your self-conscious is trying to tell you you simply can not fathom proper intimacy, but also crave it as well.” - moxxie, blitzos bad trip (helluva boss)

as i listen to disorder by joy division, i write this. i know all of my problems. i know i have attachment issues and daddy issues. those are the root causes of most of my problems. i get attached too easily to people, become obsessed even. but once they get close, i push them away out of fear they are going to leave me, like my father did. i do not know how to control this. i just feel the urge to keep them away so im not disappointed when they leave because its ME who did it, not them.

i used to pride myself on never having been broken up with, but now i think it is more of a defeat. i got so scared everytime. the most prominent one was 8th grade, going on to high school. i broke up with him because i thought he would find someone better in high school, that he would leave quickly the moment he got a chance. i ended up finding out that he loved me even after the fact. he never stopped, and neither did i. i no longer love him anymore (due to my other muse, who i dread leaving. i hope he never leaves, truly), yet we still remain friends.

speaking of my new muse, i find myself pushing him away at times too. i have to try to not do this, to tell myself that it isnt right. i end up overthinking all the things he does; why he turned off his activity status, why he leaves me on delivered for so long, why he refuses to be in a relationship with me. i dont blame him for any of these things, really. i wouldnt date me either, not with these physical and emotional scars. im too much baggage, as michael once said (fuck you, if you are reading this michael).

being told im selfish and only care about myself is quite painful. i love people, i want nothing but the best for them, even if they have harmed me (yes, even you michael). i want nothing but peace and love and i do not understand why people must fight. i love more than i am capable of. maybe that is why i am afraid of loving, afraid of not receiving the same treatment. but am i truly loving if im worried about how one will reciprocate it? perhaps, perhaps not.

anyways.

i have problems when it comes to intimacy. im scared of saying no because they might leave me, scared to upset or hurt them in anyway cause they might leave me, scared of everything possible. even if i have done nothing, i am scared. always on edge. waiting.

which is why i seem to take it upon myself to leave first, so they have no chance to.

haha, they cant hurt me because i hurt them first, i laugh to myself.

god, i could use a cigarette right now.

or a hug.

or both.

oh, anon, such is the woe and tragedy of an 18 year old girl with mental problems. i will be crying myself to sleep as i fight the urge to cut myself. goodnight, anon, and may you sleep well too.

[viewtifulsilverjo]

Back Here Again

It seems I’m back here again writing down what’s on my mind because nobody ever reads what is here. Its one of those late nights where I really feel alone and like nobody gives a shit and me being here and now makes it probably right. I really don’t know why I bother with my existence most days but I think its because I don’t really have the effort or time to be offing myself or some corny shit. Everything that I go through seems all for naught and I feel like I’m wasting my time. Is it bad that I feel like I’m better off when I’m going through extreme turmoil than when I’m trying to regulate things? My interests are lost to me. I don’t feel like gaming, I don’t feel like working, I don’t feel like hanging out or talking to anyone. It just all feels absolutely positively pointless. And you know, the one girl who I thought I was taking interest in, that shit seems pointless now too. I feel like she’s being incredibly selfish. I know she doesn’t owe me anything, but it feels like she’s just using me for energy. It feels like she feeds off of me in a sense. Thats why my self destructive behaviors probably annoy her because she cant feed off of that. She needs me seemingly happy and enjoying her for her to feast. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And i feel so betrayed by that. The reasons she gives for not wanting to be with me really don’t make any sense whatsoever. I know I have no choice but to respect them but it feels like she wants all the aspects of a relationship but without committment so she can be free to do whatever guilt-free. And if something were to come up she could play the “Oh but we’re not together” card. And while that may be true, why bother making it feel that way for purposes other than abuse I suppose. I always feel like people mentally abuse me and have fun while doing it. I don’t know why I bother wasting my time interacting with people when no one wants what I want. Everybody wants what they want and nothing else. I give and give and give and everybody else takes. And i have some people that i have some balance with, but all of that feels fruitless in the end. It feels like everyone is just going to disappear and that I really shouldn’t bother. I’m probably right, in the end I’ll lose it all again and I’ll just be back to wallowing in my self pity until the day that I die. I wish I was a stronger person and could off myself. I envy those who have killed themselves successfully. Kudos to you for freeing yourself. If only I could be so brave, But im not. I’m just a sorry excuse for nothing who doesn’t deserve to be here so I’m stuck. All I’m going to do is go home and lay in my bed and wake up and work and pretend like I want to be here even remotely. And people wonder why I’m self destructive but don’t want to concern themselves with what I truly want. I want everybody and everything to leave me the fuck alone so I can dissasociate. Maybe if i didn’t have to pretend like I liked anyone or anything and was truly away from it all then I could be at peace. Maybe then I’ll have the power to end my life and never return. The end is coming for me soon, I hope. Until then I’ll just lay down and cry about it and pretend like I want to be anything with anyone, only for them to waste my time and get what they want and to leave me empty, again. Oh well woe is me, let me go be a bitch and  cry about it. Fuck I hate life. SOmeone please kill me, thanks. 

[0thsense]

20 12 2022

wow it has been a while since I last posted. i dont remember the pet names i gave people anymore, so ill just have to use new ones. so yea things havent been going very well. after all these years im still unable to do work, so i cant really hope for anything in life. id like to say im seriously considering an heroing but im probably objectively still far from that point. its almost like i wish i was actually considering an heroing because that means ive already hit the bottom and dont need to worry about feeling even worse than i do now. looking back, its hard to see all the factors that led me here, but i guess i can share a couple things i experienced recently. im still not sure whether to write this as if anyone except myself will ever read it, so idk if "sharing" makes sense. anyways, benny visited recently, and shared how after breaking up with his long-term girlfriend of 3 years, he had a "wayward" phase where he just fucked hella girls basically. and he felt super bad about it because hes a pretty devout christian. i understand why he shared it to me because im in a unique position of understanding christianity with my christian background but not actually christian so he wont just get judged extremely hard by the church. despite that, it still kind of felt like a brag to me, and a little insensitive since im a fucking virgin, which idk if ive told him explicitly but he surely must have considered the possibility. its unfortunate because i consider benny to overall be a really good and understanding person. of course i didnt tell him any of this and just took it as he shared for hours about his conquests and his inner conflicts from just having easy access to sex, oh woe is him right. i told him to just never meet girls like me, maybe he got the message after that. more importantly i had a dream, let me try to remember the details precisely. i was in a clubhouse of some sorts (maybe for pingpong?) that was pretty packed with people, it started small but slowly grew since i guess i love fantasizing in my dreams that my presence helps communities grow. one day we were celebrating something, maybe a member's birthday or something, and i was hanging out with one of the newer members jessica towards the back. I forget what we were talking about but it segued into her starting to whisper to me something like, "you know, I might not have made it to this clubhouse ... I was very close to killing myself the week I first came here". by the tone of her voice and her expression, she was clearly being extremely vulnerable and entrusting to me. my first instinct was to say meekly (in my usual style), "well im glad you're here now" or something like that, and then the dream abruptly ended. I realized after I woke up how utterly pathetic that was. I was so concerned with how my response would appear to her, I was only concerned with staying in her good graces. In the past I was not so concerned over my appearances to this pathetic of a level. If I was thinking about her instead, I would have let her know that she did not have to worry anymore, that she should never have to experience that misery again, and I would make sure of it. I really wish I can say that and mean it one day. I'm of the opinion that the most useful individual definition of reality is simply one's experiences. In that sense dreams are real until you wake up and realize you've been dreaming. That's why I never want to lucid dream again, at that point it's as real as simply fantasizing during the day when you know you are fantasizing. Dreams are precious because they are the only way you really experience dreamlike scenarios, and in today's one I fell gravely short. I'm sorry jessica. I have some other things I want to write but I think I will save those for another day, with the usual disclaimer theres a 50% chance this is my last post ever.

[biitterscotch]

novermber pt one

10th november 2022

worked two shifts as a dishwasher for a business hotel in copenhagen. first shift went good, second bad. physically disadvantaged, takes me longer to do things not only cause i am new but because i am not as strong or tall or fast. i guess speed comes with experience. but in this job you can't always take your time. its a continous process where each person must be on their mark to keep the flow. i want to do a good job. i may be in over myself (or whatever the saying is, i literally just took 30 seconds trying to figure it out). i try my best. but sometimes its not good enough. i cant tell if im working as hard as i can. what is my best. am i really pushing the limits? what are my limits? i dont know. i cant tell. it seems endless the pits and ceilings i reach. i often feel lost. like im swimming in a vast ocean where a gradient is the only thing that orients me. though even with orientation i dont know which direction i want to swim in. sometimes i just want to stay suspened. i cant tell which direction ive come from. sometimes it feels like no matter how hard i pull and push and kick the water around me i havent left. i want to move but i dont know if i ever will. or if i can tell the difference. perhaps im too caught up in the moment. or i am too caught up in the past or future. it feels like a limbo. i dont ever really know. moments of clarity catch me off guard. "oh" i say to myself. im not used to putting in so much work to move my own life. how does it work out for people? how did they learn to live their life? it seems as though they were just born jiving to their own rythmn. its upseting me. i want to put in the work but it always seems to be going to the wrong place. i want my efforts to be valued. valued as indisposable. all my life ive been stuck at 'thanks for playing'. thats not true. not all my life. but i havent much felt like the best at anything. maybe thats my fault. why should i want to be the best at anything. silly question. i dont need to be the best. i just want to fill my niche. figuring out what that is. have i been here before? perhaps the spiralling has been condensed to this infinite ocean. will i ever learn?

thinking maybe i should revisit my old writing.

redundant in my sentences i need inspiration. new media. i need to beat the dead horse. er beat the horse dead. try out being creative. i did have some ideas for some kinda essay/script. but then... idk something happened. ive gotta work on being okay.

i really did not expect to be where i am now. from my old perspective, i am in a worse place than expected. but now living it i can appreciate these unique experiences. it kind of alienates me from myself. as an artist i may forever lie in discomfort. no matter how i shift or stretch my body will ache. take everything from me. one of these days im going to lose my mind and get lost in the woods butt naked.

im always making excuses for myself. pity for me woe is me. is it any longer a war in my mind? is this just how it is? is this the way? writhing writhing below my blood pulsates for any exit.

[iliaclwrites]

Lemme know if this is out of character lol I’m in love with your cheerleader/reader series 🫶🏽 but I was wondering if you would be willing to write something about them getting into an serious argument and are giving each other the silent treatment? Like maybe hellfire gets fed up with how they’re both acting since it’s affecting their campaigns (somehow) and so maybe they lock both of them in the room together to work it out and barricade the door so they cant get out? lol if you write this then thank you sm in advance and if not then I completely understand 😊🫶🏽

this got so long wtf lmao.

warnings: fighting, swearing, angsty-ish? not really lmao it's fluff

Mike screeched to a halt into Hellfire, almost slamming into the table. "Sorry I'm--" His voice died in his throat, staring at the scene. Dustin, Lucas, Jeff and Gareth were sitting on the floor, rolling dice into a mat dully and reading, while Eddie and you were huddled behind the screen, whispering furtively, as though no one else was there. "They're still fighting? How long've they been like this?"

"As in the rest of this week, or just today?" Lucas asked flatly, looking up at Mike. "They've been fighting since I got here."

"Since lunch," Gareth corrected.

"Since Monday," Dustin complained, dropping his head into his knees. "Do they ever take a break? How do they eat?"

Lucas leaned back on his palms, staring up at the ceiling. "He was fighting with her before and after cheer," he muttered. "I saw him waiting on the bleachers. They argued in sign language." He mimed something with his hands, and Dustin swallowed a laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. "Like, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, so I'm the unreasonable one?" you snapped, standing up to put your hands on your hips. "This is all my fault, then? Sure, Eddie. Real mature."

"You're the one playing the blame game," he countered, wagging a finger at her. "Don't go all 'woe is me,' you knew what you signed up for when you started dating me."

"Yeah!" you huffed. "Dating! Participle gerundive form! Active! As in, something I am doing!"

("Wait, lemme get this down," Dustin muttered. "We're doing participles in Latin. Did she say gerundive or ablative?")

"Oh, don't get all grammar on me, princess," Eddie hissed. "You know it's suicide for me if I go with you."

"Right!" Mike yelled, and your heads snapped up at him. "Okay. I'm sick of this. We're sick of this." He looked behind him at everyone else, who were nodding quickly. "Can you guys please sort this shit out so we can get on with living our lives?"

"Without yelling," Dustin added.

"Or threats?" Gareth said.

"Or passing notes between you two on the days you refuse to talk?" Lucas said.

"Dude, they made you do that?" Jeff asked, and Lucas sighed, nodding. "Real mature."

"You two," Mike continued, pointing at both of you. "Are not coming out of this room until you get this all sorted." He put his hands on his hips, seemingly possessed by the spirit of his older sister Nancy. "Either kiss and make up, or starve to death in Hellfire. Come on," he said to everyone else. "Barricade the door."

Eddie's mouth opened and closed, fishlike, as the kids stormed out of the room. Outside, Dustin and Lucas slammed themselves against the door, pressing their ears to it as Mike peered through the keyhole.

"I didn't realise it was getting that bad," you said weakly, moving to sit on the table. Eddie pursed his lips, not looking at you. "They probably think mommy and daddy are divorcing."

He sighed. "I don't understand why you care so much," he admitted quietly. "It's just a stupid dress up party. With stupid popular kids. Chrissy's gonna win prom queen, Jason's gonna win prom king, I'll get blamed for spiking the punch. It's boring highschool bullshit."

You glared at him. "It's my boring highschool bullshit," you snapped. "It's my prom. They're my friends. I want to go."

"Then go!" Eddie said, sweeping his hands. "I'm not stopping you. It's just stupid fucking promnight."

("God," Dustin muttered. "Eddie really sucks at this."

"I'm on his side," Mike murmured back. "He shouldn't have to go to prom if he doesn't want to."

"Wait," Gareth said, pressing his ear to the door. "They're fighting about prom? That's it? I thought he'd murdered someone, or something.")

"I want to go with my boyfriend," you hissed, pressing a finger into his chest. "You're my boyfriend, and I want my boyfriend to be at my 'stupid fucking prom night'!"

He barked a laugh. "What, with the corsage, and the matching tie, and pulling up in a rusty ol' van, and some girl crying in the bathroom, and your mom forcing us to take photos? No tha--" Eddie stopped, watching as you blushed under his gaze. "Holy shit. You actually want that, don't you?"

"Sue me!" you cried, not meeting his eyes. "Yes! I want you to pull up in your stupid van, and I want to get spun around with you to, I don't know, Duran Duran, and I want Chrissy to take a group photo with us on her new Polaroid, and I want you to step on my feet while we're dancing. Is that wrong? Is that stupid?"

Eddie swallowed thickly. "And we'll get drunk on the punch that I definitely didn't spike," he added softly. "And I'll get a matching corsage for you."

You smiled, pressing your hand to his cheek. "And we'll blow it all off halfway to smoke behind the bikeshed," you murmured, smiling up at him hopefully. "Come on, Eds. That doesn't sound so bad, does it?"

He sighed. "Princess, it'd be social suicide for you," he said, tucking a hank of your hair behind your ear. "Your friends hate me enough as it is. I don't wanna give them more reasons to push you away, alright? I've seen how they fight with you. About me."

You rolled your eyes. "They're stupid," you said drily. "I don't care. All I care about is my boyfriend watching me walk down the staircase of my house--"

"You live in a one-storey."

"And going, whoa, when he sees me in my prom dress for the first time. Maybe even a choked up, 'you look nice!', or something."

"You watch way too many John Hughes movies," he snorted, pressing a kiss to your hair. "Do I have to wear a suit?"

"Please."

He chewed on his lower lip. "...And you'll be in a dress?"

"The prettiest."

"And no one is gonna say anything that the top flyer is dancing with Eddie the Freak?"

You took one of his hands in your good one, pressing your mouth to the warm metal of his ring. "If they do, I won't hear it. And if they say anything, anything at all," she added darkly, "they'll see just how much training I put into my high kicks."

He smiled, pressing his face into your hair, before growing sombre. "I don't like the fact they treat you badly because of me."

You shrugged. "Then you're gonna have to get used to it, Munson. I'm sticking around." You pursed your lips at him, closing your eyes. "Make up kiss? Pwease?"

He laughed, and pressed his mouth to yours for the first time this week, groaning at the contact. Your good arm flew around his head, pulling him between your legs as you made up for lost time. You hissed as he nudged your bad wrist, and he stroked your cheek as an apology, refusing to pull away.

"Eddie!" you gasped, arching in surprise as he hauled your body closer to him, pressing you right up against his chest as he planted both hands either side of you, caging you in. "God, fuck, I missed this," you mumbled, hooking your legs around his waist as he dug his teeth into your neck, biting down. "Shit, god, fuck, please."

"Right!" Mike said, slamming the door open, face bright red. "Glad that's all sorted out then. Glad you two could. Uh. Kiss and make up."

You laughed weakly, resting your head against Eddie's chest, and flipped them off in tandem.

[actualbird]

greetings from hell week im dying and i think i signed up for something thatll Kill Me

[elysiuminfra]

Alright tell me your complaints about the Jekyll and Hyde fanbase, because if you don't my brain is going to subconsciously project mine on you since you mentioned you had them, and that's not very nice. I want to hear your actual thoughts

OH BOY i have a lot of them. i dont think they're necessarily controversial tbh but i do have quite a bit.

my biggest complaint is the woobification of hyde. he's a grown man. he's a grown man that murders someone, and feels good about it. he drinks and has sex (probably) and does all sorts of things. he's not a baby, he's not a chaotic gremlin, he's a grown ass man!!! i also dont like it when ppl liken him to a child/give him child-like characteristics/make him too short. its weird imo. i dont like it. i think ppl should treat hyde like an adult with agency who's responsible for his own terrible actions instead of going oh woe is hyde / he's just a baby or whatever (and tbh i blame tgs a lot for this. no hate towards sabrina i just dont like that hyde is seen as "cutesy" in canon. i think that man doesnt shave his [censored])

the insistence that jekyll and hyde is about good/evil, or that jekyll is secretly bad and hyde is good/vice versa. jekyll sucks, but hyde isn't any better, the end. i don't think jekyll is a good person but he's not like, irredeemable i guess. he just sucks. he just uses hyde as an excuse to kill a guy. fuck alot. do cocaine. i mean who doesn't wanna go nuts sometimes. he can be self destructive as a treat if he wants

that jekyll and hyde are completely separate people. once again i blame tgs for this (sorry sabrina) which is like. its not the point of the story i guess. im a strickler for keeping the original themes, though, so that's just me. but also what comes with that is ppl shipping the two which i just. nope. nope!! i cant do it. in my mind's eye jekyll and hyde, though there is a degree of separation at the end of the story, are the same person. its weird and i dont like it. its only made worse when ppl woobify hyde/make him much younger. it genuinely makes me gag like stop that!!! stop it!!! :(

i dont like the musical. i just dont. im sorry to musical fans everywhere but i dont like it. :( please dont get mad at me for this. i will give them this bring on the men does go hard as fuck though (also anthony warlow's voice. hot damn)

i also dont like tgs as much. i just have issues with the writing (bc once again i love the original book too much) and also utterson isnt even there :( this also brings me into my next point is that UTTERSON!!!! he's funny and lovable and not enough ppl like him and just ignore him in favor of jekyll/hyde or lanyon (once again tgs) and im like :( no.... please....... he's funny and i like him

i think tgs is a fine enough story on its own, putting it nicely at least, but i dont like that it's greatly influenced a lot of ppl's perception of the original story. and this is coming from a former fan. it's led a lot of ppl to woobify hyde/ignore utterson/act like jekyll and hyde are separate/etc etc. just a lot of stuff that goes against the original.

idk what else to put here tbh i probably have more but cant think of any rn. i just think that we need more nuance in our discussions of these characters, shouldn't ignore certain unfavorable facets, and be open to criticism of media we enjoy. and we should also treat grown men like grown men. and be nice to eachother i guess. peace and love.