gayciegaybrams

[neganium]

I'm still reading this person's fics bc they're been posting more of them, but I still feel like I failed the social interaction somehow and I'm really scared to keep reading them bc what if they're the sort of person I hate on the down-low? Or maybe they just hate me bc I dislike those kinds of people, while they're more neutral? Maybe they've even assumed something about me that isn't true, wrt to my DNI that I think might've started all of this. idk. idk. it's making me anxious to not know for sure. I wonder if I should just cut my losses again, here.

[rollercoasterwords]

i’ve been thing about your second point on the goodreads fanfic post for like two days now and the ways that capitalism is effecting peoples relationship with reading and you were so right. like i had never thought about why so many people feel the need to log every single page they read and meet some kind of goal to feel like what their hobby is productive. and how it is so looked down upon to read slower than average because is it even worth your time if you gonna take x hours to read just one book.

i feel like what you get out of reading should simply come from like the content you are reading rather than the fact that you can mark another book as ‘read’. like that’s got to take at least some of the joy out of reading if you constantly feel like you are just trying to meet some quota you set for yourself.

i’m not saying that it’s like entirely a bad thing to read just to Have Read and to meet your quota of reading x amount of books because obviously people will still read and enjoy books within those circumstances regardless of motivation. but long term i feel like that will just turn reading into another Capitalism Task and you will start to view it in the same way that you would view any other chore, rather than something fun or enjoyable or whatever other reasons people may have for reading, if that makes any sense at all.

i have definitely been influenced by this and genuinely had not realised so thank you for bringing it to my attention that capitalism has infiltrated my relationship with reading which i will now try to unlearn!

(also just to confirm i was not one of the people reviewing or logging fics on goodreads. i fundamentally disagree with doing that and always have. your post just made me thing about reading and capitalism in general, not like regarding that situation specifically)

ahhh this message made me so happy!! it's definitely one of those insidious things where like. i think it's very easy for this emphasis on "productivity" to just creep into your hobbies without even realizing, and i think it's important to try to be aware of the ways capitalism is influencing our mindsets bc when it DOES creep in like that i think it often sucks the joy away!

like i am very much a person who likes to keep track of things; i use letterboxd and storygraphs and make spotify playlists etc etc, but the key is like. it shouldn't be a chore to be keeping track of this stuff, y'know? like i'm not gonna beat myself up or get anxious if i forget to log a movie in letterboxd after watching it, and when i do set reading goals it's not something i'm really worrying about strictly adhering to.

and especially with reading...yeah i feel like. even if you want to keep track of what you read. it's really easy in this day and age to get sucked into this obsessive need to track every single page of every single thing you read, but it's like....why? to what end? so your handful of friends or followers know you Read A Lot? you're not being graded. you're not being paid for it. there's no reward for reading a certain number of pages in a year. and i think it can be easy to get so focused on reaching this arbitrary number that you've set for yourself that you start trying to just like. read as fast as possible without giving yourself time to really sit and enjoy a story. or you might start reading books you don't really care about or don't particularly enjoy just so you can Add It To Your List. and once things get to that point i really think it's just kinda sad more than anything, because i think this obsession with always being productive is starting to erode what should be a joyful and stress-free hobby.

anyway, i'm glad that u found my point on that post helpful!! at the end of the day i think if ur reading as a hobby it should always primarily be something that's bringing u joy, so if reading is ever causing you stress or if ur feeling guilty for not reading enough pages/not reading fast enough/not completing a reading goal etc etc it's always worthwhile to stop and reflect and ask where those feelings are coming from!

[crybabyddl]

TW: disordered eating, body image conversation, insecurity, depression, rambling, relationships.

I just want to know if I’m alone in feeling this or if anyone has any advice or input that would help.

I am the heaviest I’ve been. My BMI is in the healthy range, but I hate how I look. I’ve been trying to eat healthier and exercise more, but it’s causing me to obsess over nutrition labels, calories, sugar, etc.

Living in the US makes this exceptionally harder, because the food regulations are practically nonexistent, so we’re all slowly poisoning ourselves, and nearly every food item, regardless of what it is, has unnecessary added sugars.

Another factor that causes me to stress about my body and my self esteem is the fact that I’m in a relationship. It’s been up and down and I’m not gonna get into all that, but he’s a skinny and lanky guy. He’s into running and bikes long distances for fun. I’m not SUPER athletic, but he and his family were all into cross country running and skiing, and now they are on a biking kick. It’s hard for me to eat around them because they are all built like sticks and I’m not exactly built like that. I’m not overweight, but I have big thighs and my arms could get big if I’m not careful. (maybe it’s bc i’m polish?)

Anyway, his sister is VERY VERY VERY strict about the food she eats, buys, and gives her kids. She tries to push it onto others as well, which has been detrimental to my wellbeing. While she hasn’t said anything directly to me about what I eat, she’s made her stances very clear on processed foods and refuses to give her kids anything that isn’t organic or has artificial ingredients. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, my insecurities cause me to feel like I’m super unhealthy and less of a person that’s enjoyable to be around because I’m not rich enough to be a stay at home mother that can get all my groceries from whole foods and have my own garden and make my own bread and eat at restaurants that make everything in house with only organic and local ingredients. I know it’s mainly my insecurities that cause this, but I’ve yet to learn how to deal with them, so I try to avoid her as much as possible because she’s very intense, self-righteous, and is just good at everything she does and it makes me feel bad about myself.

Back to my boyfriend, he also has some eating habits that aren’t great. Mainly just not eating enough to support the amount of physical activity he does, causing his joints to be weak, as well as digestive issues. Anyway, he’s made it very clear that he’s a “butt guy” (like when asked “tits or ass” he’ll say ass). He really likes my butt and thighs, but those are parts of my body that I’m the most insecure about. I’ve never understood the attraction people have to butts, so that in itself is hard for me. I also just don’t want to be interpreted as having thick thighs or a big ass (it’s not big, but one time he said I have a fat ass as a compliment and it really fucked with my head and I told him how it made me feel and he apologized). I had to explain what cellulite was to him after he said it looked like cottage cheese and didn’t understand why I got upset with him for saying that. He didn’t realize that 90% of women that have gone through puberty have cellulite. I think he still feels the same way, but just knows it’s not a good thing to express. Anyway, knowing that someone perceives me as attractive automatically makes me put pressure on myself to be as attractive as possible at all times, and I always make sure to eat less than him, give him the bigger halves of things we’re sharing, and get healthier options on the menu rather than the thing I want if we go out to eat. Again, none of that feels inherently wrong, but it’s all being thought about and planned in my head, so it’s sort of an act I have to maintain.

I’ve also been on mental health medication most of my life, and up until recently, some of my medications have caused me to have decreased appetite and a faster metabolism, causing me to not be overweight. I could basically eat whatever I wanted and be fine, only bloating when I had PMS. Due to my boyfriend not necessarily understanding mental health (he thinks of it as a label and a limiting barrier rather than an actual condition that can be genetic. Like he doesn’t understand that if I took a brain scan, the levels of certain chemicals would be lower.) I was somewhat “inspired” to stop taking my medication. It started as me stopping taking my Adderall because it was hard to get since it’s a controlled substance and they weren’t filling my prescription soon enough and I’d have to go a few days without it and I’d get terrible withdrawals. Same with Effexor, I felt like a tweaking zombie for 3 days and had the worst migraines of my life when I weaned off it.

ANYWAY, that was all done while consulting my doctor. What wasn’t discussed with my doctor, was me stopping taking my other depression and anxiety meds. I’ve been a lot more depressed, stressed, and unfocused, but there are other factors at play as well. But not taking those meds has caused my metabolism to slow back down and so I’ve gained like, 5 pounds or so. My weight fluctuates 2-3lbs throughout the day, which is bad enough, but I hate how I look and can’t accept myself at this weight. I started taking my Wellbutrin again because it’s something I know helps me and apparently it is one of the only depression meds that doesn’t cause weight gain. I’ve also started taking collagen, biotin, niacin, and vitamin d3 because I started taking them a few months ago, stopped, then read that they could potentially aid in weight loss. Obviously they won’t do much, but better than not trying, right?

So basically, I just know I can’t (and frankly don’t want to) aCcEpT aNd LoVe MySeLf aT aNy SiZe. I’ve had body image issues since age 7, and I’ve never actually been overweight. I did gain a bit of weight as a side effect of medication when I was in grade school for about a year, but right after that, I switched meds and ended up losing a lot of weight, to the point I had random bruises on my shine and had to start drinking Ensure shakes. Anyway, I like to sing so b*llimia isn’t something I want to risk doing often (I’ve done it a few times, but it’s hard and gross, and I’ve only done it when it felt necessary. It’s never necessary, but I was in a dire state.) I’ve been skipping lunch the past couple days, but it just makes me feel worse when I do end up eating something like dinner or a snack, so an*rexia is off the table. I’m trying to exercise more, I’ve been riding my bike, but I hate being perceived even if nobody cares, I care. I just want to be alone and feel safe. I do a series of aerobics/pilates/floor exercises/stretches and bursts of cardio every day. It’s not a lot, but after dropping out of HS in 2019, I became a bit of a recluse and that trained me for covid, and then I spent 2021 going to therapy before finally feeling okay enough depression-wise to start working in 2022. I’ve made a lot of progress, but the two years since have been filled with tons of death/loss, insecurities, a tumultuous on and off relationship (my own doing honestly), and work stress, I’ve become more insecure, more socially anxious, and I feel like I’m not too too far away from being as s*icidal as I was senior year of high school, freshman year of college, and in 2020.

I’m currently unemployed because I had to leave a job I really liked because the business was doing some morally questionable things and I was being treated in a way where I wasn’t appreciated for my own qualities that made me valuable to the team, but rather as someone who should try to be like this other girl who was the boss’s favorite. I made sure to ask if there was anything I wasn’t doing that I should do, and nobody said anything I needed to improve on, and I was appreciated there, but my boss was very passive agressive when addressing the team as a whole and wouldn’t be specific so every “hey everyone, just a reminder…” made me wonder if it was me doing something wrong even when I knew I didn’t do what she was talking about. It made me feel extremely anxious and I ended up having the worst panic attack of my life after leaving a team meeting. I realized I never wanted to feel as terrible as I did for those two hours and I will not work for someone who doesn’t understand how to make employees feel valued for their individual efforts and doesn’t know how to be constructive without telling employees to “be like [name of favorite employee]” and not elaborating. That moment made me feel the worst I ever felt about myself because I’d already been at a low in terms of self esteem, and thank goodness for that honestly, because it made me realize that I refuse to let anyone make me feel any worse about myself than I already feel. So I quit. I’m looking for other jobs.

Anyway, most of this is just context because I don’t really want to go to therapy and I just want to know if there’s something obvious I’m not doing that would help, if I’m just fucked in the head and there’s no hope, or something else.

[sixofpomegranates]

i have bpd and bipolar and when i get upset i say and do a lot of things i don't mean, sometimes it ruins relationships bc i cant control my reactions and most people don't get it. i fall in love with people so easily and it destroys me when my mental illness makes them leave. spencer and his live in gf get into a lot of minor fights that pile up, she blows up on him a lot and the day she confesses she loves him, he tells her he can't be with her anymore bc he isn't sure he can love her like this. they break up, she's destroyed, and he realizes he is in love with her.

♘ 𝚁𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚘𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛 ♞

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader

A/N: Rough one, rough. Hard on the emotions. I hope I represented you enough and I hope it gives you guys the most comforting comfort. Because you deserve to be loved.💕

CW: Angst & Comfort, Fluff | Mentions of Medication/Therapy, Reader is with Mental Illness (BPD, Anxiety, Bipolar), Past Self-Harm (Cutting), COVID19-Lockdown, Big Fight, Fear of Abandonment/Breakup, Crying, Mentions of consuming of Food/Drinks, Nosebleed,

**********

*picture does not describe the looks of the reader*

**********

German novelist and poet Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, "Love grants in a moment what toil can hardly achieve in an age."

And although that might've been true for some, it definitely didn't apply to Spencer and [y/n]. Goethe had probably never meant this saying for people with mental illnesses anyway.

Love, as beautiful as it was, wasn't enough to achieve a healthy relationship.

Psychiatry describes Borderline Personality Disorder as a personality disorder characterized by impulsiveness, extreme mood swings, and often anger.

Psychiatry describes Bipolar Disorder as an affective disorder characterized by periods of mania alternating with periods of depression usually interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood.

The dictionary describes the word Disorder as a problem, a messy state – a lack of order or organization, or explains it as an illness that causes a part of the body to stop functioning correctly.

[y/n] did get diagnosed in college, a girl in her dormitory had noticed her scars, stemming from cutting herself. From there on the diagnosis had come rather fast and brought explanations to the vast amount of emotions and behaviors she had lived through all her life, lacking a chance of understanding what was going on, or controlling them.

Chaos was the word [y/n] would frequently use to describe her state of mind,while Spencer would always chuckle and tell her it was okay as long it was organized chaos.

They had been dating for quite some time now, even had moved in together after [y/n]'s lease on her apartment had run out.

For a long time, it felt like cloud nine living together, being little hermits and cuddling up at home all weekend long. Chaos was composed and [y/n] had all her routines down.

That was until this little virus from China hit the States, wrecking her routine like a wrecking ball would hit a brick wall.

Therapy was postponed until further notice, going out was canceled, and Spencer would have to work from home unless there was a case.

All those things, Spencer had thought to be able to handle, even the one-hour drive every other week just to get her medication seemed manageable.

But the one most stressful problem crystalizing itself out after a few weeks was them being together every single minute of the day.

[y/n] loved Spencer deeply, more than she had ever loved someone before, and even thinking how far they had come in their relationship still seemed like a beautiful dream.

But [y/n] had her routine.

Waking up she would waddle into the kitchen and make herself some breakfast, then she would take her pills, and clean up around the apartment.

After a while of doing things that made her happy, may it be following a new, at the moment interesting hobby, reading, or re-watching her favorite TV shows, she would do her daily chores, buy groceries, and go to therapy.

Usually, if not on a case, Spencer would be at home once she came home, and from there on they would make dinner and spend every second glued together.

Now he was here every moment of the entire day.

There was no room for her routine because Spencer wasn't part of this routine.

Now it felt like their weekends, which was fun the first few days but quickly had lost its appeal.

No matter how madly in love you are, you simply need some time to yourself. Moments that solely belong to you. Even if it is just sitting on the couch and watching Rory fall for Jess the one-hundredth time.

Spencer knew that this disturbance in her routine would be a challenge for [y/n] and their relationship as a whole, he wasn't stupid. He had even offered her to leave the apartment for a while so she'd have time on her own.

Once she had excepted it but when she realized that he had nowhere to go and just had sat in his car and then in the nearby park for three hours, she had sworn to never expect it again, not even mention that she needed space.

It had made her feel like the most terrible person on earth and she had cried for hours, even as Spencer had cuddled up next to her, assured her that she didn't even come close to a bad person, and he hadn't mind giving her some space.

Week four, however, had become unpleasant. Both were sick of being at home and they had even caught themselves hoping for a serial killer running amok and causing Spencer to leave for a case.

By now, Spencer was [y/n]'s stressor. She hated the way she couldn't watch TV without him talking, how he rambled, how he chewed his food.

She loved him but, oh, did she hate him.

And she hated the virus that also scared the shit out of her.

She hated this never-ending weekend.

She hated everyone and everything. But if she would share her thoughts with Spencer, she knew he would leave her, and that she wouldn't have been able to handle.

*****

It finally escalated one morning. There was not just her nagging or being angry at his existence, there was a volcano interrupting in the middle of the living room.

A rational person wouldn't see what had caused it, hell, not even [y/n] was quite sure what had but even looking at Spencer made her violently angry.

As she ran into the bedroom, slamming the door shut and crawling under the sheets, she hoped she would be able to calm down before saying even more regretful things she didn't mean.

Sadly, Spencer hadn't gotten the giant 'Leave me alone' memo. Walking into the bedroom, he brushed over her head.

She quickly backed away. No, he made her angry, he didn't get to touch her.

"Sweetheart..." He mumbled. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Go away," she hissed annoyed, but he stayed persistent. Which was both good and bad because she didn't want him to leave but simply wanted him to leave her alone.

"Not until we talked about it. You know my mother always found it helpful-"

God, not his mother again. She groaned loudly to interrupt him, "Just shut up for once. I so don't care about what your damn mother found helpful."

"[y/n], you're becoming hurtful," he stated slightly aggravated. The last weeks had been hard on him too, it wasn't like he had chosen this situation.

"I don't give a fuck, just leave me alone," she cussed, jumping out of bed, wanting to lock herself into the bathroom so she'd at least have a little bit of privacy.

Spencer, however, had been fast enough to have a foot in the door before she could close it. Like a child having a tantrum, she tried closing the door with her full body weight, Spencer prevailing in the art of making her angry by continuing to hold the door open and talking to her.

"Fucking leave me alone. Fuck, I hate you so much right now," her voice continued spitting uncontrolled words like venom.

Finally, as he took his foot out, she didn't think twice, slamming the door shut. A loud thud outside and Spencer cursing profanities, causing her to open the door again.

Hand covering his face, he shoved her aside to grab a towel and look himself into the mirror.

She had hit him in the face with the door.

[y/n] hadn't wanted that.

"Spence, I'm so-" He interrupted her loudly. "Shut up. Just... Just be quiet, please."

Stepping closer, she tried grabbing his arm, waiting to see just how badly she had hurt him. "I- I didn't mean to..."

Her voice fell silent as he pushed her arm away, walking out of the bathroom.

Walking after him like a lost puppy, she could see him wiping away the last bit of blood seeming to come from his nose.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he told her, the lack of emotion in his voice scarring her immensely. "I'm trying really hard, [y/n]."

"I- I know," she whimpered, making him sigh. "What else can I do? What is irritating you so much?"

Desperate, with tears in her eyes but still angry she said, "I- I don't know." "Than, for the love of God, think of something, because I am reaching a breaking point here."

"I need my space. I want my routine back. You're keeping me from doing my stuff," she finally whimpered.

Spencer frowned, "You can do everything you want while I'm-" "That's not the same," she now screamed. "I- I don't want you here. I- I can't..."

With wide eyes, he asked, "Do you want me to leave?" [y/n] frantically shook her head. "No. No, don't leave me."

Trying to control her tears and emotions, she began to harshly rub her temple. Maybe the feeling of it would make her able to control herself.

Quickly she felt a hand on hers, Spencer pulling her hands away. "Hey, hey. [y/n] stop that," he whispered.

Instead of seeing his worry, she only saw him trying to control her. Stepping back, she looked angrily at him. "Or what? You gonna walk out on me?"

Swallowing his hurt feeling, Spencer said, "Yes."

This one word was like a hit in the face for [y/n]. So often she had been left by people she loved, only because she said and did stupid, hurtful things she didn't mean.

"B-But I love you. I- I didn't mean..." she sobbed.

His nose hurt, his heart as well. She hadn't meant it but nobody wants to hear that the person they love the most hates them.

Feeling sick to his stomach, Spencer felt the need to run. He couldn't stay here. They were too much like his parents right now and he was in the position of his father.

"I know," Spencer answered while fighting tears, putting the dirty towel aside. "I- I just... This is too much. I'm sorry."

Grabbing his coat and keys, he stormed out, hearing [y/n] starting to cry uncontrollably.

*****

The world certainly was crazy at the moment. There was no toilet paper to buy anywhere in this store, just like bananas and flour.

Seriously, were people preparing for a national diarrhea catastrophe only homemade banana bread could cure?

Readjusting his facemask, he continued to shop for all the little trinkets he knew they needed at home. Everything to have him out of the apartment for a while.

He had reacted wrong, although, there probably hadn't been a right way to handle this anyway. [y/n] had been on edge for days now. One way or another it was destined to bite him in the ass somehow.

While grabbing [y/n]'s favorite snacks, hoping they would cheer her up once he would come home, he noticed a little girl walking around and crying for her mother.

"Hey, Hi," Spencer approached the girl carefully. "Are you looking for your mommy? Are you lost?"

The girl, around four, babbled something through her heavy tears that he couldn't quite make out, except for that everyone was wearing masks. She had probably problems with identifying her mother.

"Where did you last see your mommy?" He asked gently, leaning down.

"By the cookies," the girl sniffled, and Spencer smiled holding out his hand. "Do you want us to go look for her?"

Quickly shaking her head, the girl exclaimed, "Stranger danger."

He nodded to himself, technically she was correct. Her mother had taught her right. "You're absolutely right about that. You should never go with strangers. But look."

Taking out his badge and ID, he handed them to the girl, kneeling down. "I'm Spencer and I work for the FBI. See that funny-looking guy?" he pointed at his picture. "That's me."

Pointing at the picture of him and [y/n] he always kept tucked in by his ID, the girl asked, "Who's that?"

He smiled a little seeing the love of his life with her arms thrown around him. "That's my girlfriend [y/n]."

The girls grinned at him, "Your girlfriend is pretty." He nodded. "I know. The prettiest."

Spencer jumped up from the floor like a frog as a woman behind him loudly exclaimed, "Lilly! Oh my gosh, there you are!"

Running past him and lifting her child up, she turned to Spencer eying him up and down. She was probably just about to beat him with her handbag for being a stranger talking to the lost little girl, but her daughter handed her his ID.

"Mommy, look," the girl said, pointing at the photo next to the ID. "That's his girlfriend."

The woman studied the ID, handing it back to Spencer. "I'm sorry if she caused you any trouble, Doctor."

Putting his ID away, he waved the woman off, "Don't worry. She's actually pretty smart. The stranger danger lesson is really important for young children."

Setting her child into her shopping cart, she sighed. "God, that's been a day." Looking at her groceries and then at Spencer's she laughed. "So you didn't get any toilette paper either, huh?"

He shook his head, chuckling, "No. They're also out of bananas and flour." "Noticed that. People are going a little coo-coo right now but can you blame them? One that to another, everything is different and any of our routines is gone."

Spencer only nodded, feeling like a hit had been placed right into his stomach. If mentally healthy people already struggled at times like this... For [y/n] every emotion felt like held under a magnifying glass.

"Yeah," he answered. "My girlfriend is really hating all of this."

"Kicked you out, huh?" the woman laughed with risen eyebrows. "Don't worry about it. Being stuck at home together 24/7 causes to best relationships to shake. Yesterday my husband and I fought because he was chewing too loudly during my soap opera."

He said his goodbyes to the woman and her daughter after she was done ranting a little about her husband. It looked like she had needed that outlet and somehow it was like Spencer had needed it too.

He and [y/n] weren't the only ones fighting, the only ones with messed-up routines. Sure, [y/n] struggled more with handling it than your Everyday-Joe but it wasn't like she did it on purpose.

Checking their linked to-do list app on his phone, he could see just how much of the things she normally did had stopped with the lockdown. Her brain worked differently in their time together than it did when she was on her own.

This last month had felt like a very long weekend for Spencer, and while he had enjoyed the relaxed nature of it, [y/n] had desperately waited for a Monday to arrive so she could finally do all the things she normally did when she was alone.

He sighed. Right now, she was probably at home, thinking he'd never return. Too often had people done something like this to her, unable to withstand the pressure.

But he wasn't them. And he was definitely not like his father and would run.

William hadn't been able to withstand the ups and downs. The rollercoaster had made him never return. But if being with [y/n] meant having to ride this rollercoaster from time to time, Spencer was determined to do it, even if it scared him or made him sick.

*****

[y/n] hadn't believed it, but Spencer had actually come home. She had been crying on the couch for hours, already thinking about where she'd have to live all on her own, about how she would never get to see Spencer again.

"You're back," she whimpered as he put the shopping bags onto the dinner table.

"Of course I am, Sweetheart," he smiled, starting to unpack all those snacks she loved so and ate at a special pace until she started sharing them with Spencer a month ago.

Happy tears ran down her cheeks as she mumbled, "They usually don't come back."

"Well, then it's good I'm not them," Spencer chuckled, walking up to her and kneeling. "Hey," he cooed, and quickly she threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug that made it hard for him to breathe.

"I'm so sorry," she mumbled, making him pull out of their hug and take her hands. "I know. I really do," he assured her. "Come with me. I bought us someting."

They walked to the dinner table and Spencer lifted a big, magnetic planner whiteboard onto the desk. On it were already his scribbles and cute little magnets holding pictures of them both.

"What's that?" She asked confused and he smiled. "Our lockdown routine." Pointing out some of his notes he said, "As you can see, I took your normal routine and tuned it a little. I'll have my work hours in which I will regularly do my work and you can do whatever you want. And after lunch, there is a quiet hour because I know you normally take a nap after it when I am not home. I also talked to your therapist and they are now offering online counseling. She will call you tomorrow to make out the appointments."

The eager hopefulness made [y/n] shake her head. "Why? Why are you doing all of this?" She asked confused.

"Because I love you," Spencer said.

She still shook her head a little. "You know it would be easier to love somebody who isn't a total nutjob, right?"

"Don't mind. I like a good challenge," Spencer shrugged, handing her a little pink octopus with a grumpy face. "That's also for you. I thought you could put the little guy somewhere I can see and if it's a bad day or you just need space, you'll have him look grumpy."

This sweetness was what had her initially fall for Spencer. He was better than anything she thought to deserve.

Stepping closer to her, he smiled. "And if he's happy, I am allowed to cuddle and kiss you as much as I want."

It was heartbreaking for both. For Spencer to see her not believing to deserve to be loved although she was the love of his life, and for her, it was the fear that she was going to ruin this. If not now, then at least the next time she felt like everything was too much.

She had always ruined her relationships this way.

"What if I'm going to become worse than today?" She asked, thinking about making it quick and breaking up now before he would truly start resenting her along the way.

He smiled. "You're not going to scare me away." "Spencer-"

Interrupting her, he started holding her hands and the little octopus between them. "Look, I am terribly sorry that nobody ever seems to have loved you enough to power through those rough patches with you. But I am not them, and I am not going to leave."

"But-" Spencer flicked her nose, not letting her sabotage herself. "Nope. You're not getting rid of me that easily, Sweetheart."

Leaving her a few minutes to think and calm down, he put away the things he had bought. As he came back from the kitchen, [y/n] sat on the couch, the little octopus on the coffee table flipped inside out, now being blue and smiling.

He sat down on next to her on the couch, pulling her closer and pressing a kiss on her cheek.

Goethe was wrong to say that love can achieve more and quicker than hard work can. Because nothing is always picture-perfect, hard work is what helps us keep love alive.

It asks a lot from you to love and be loved, it can get scary and messy, but it is truly rewarding.

Like the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu once said, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

[itsnothesameasitwas]

hiii! im looking for good freinds to lovers fics bc i go through them sooooo fast :/ if you have any good ones pls send them !!!

hii… sorry this took me a whole day but here some Friends to Lovers fics… all the fics I’m recommending are Larry and please be careful with the tags before start reading and leave kudos :)

ABO

♥ Promise Me You Won't Run Away by thinlines @thinlinez | 23k | E

“Does kissing me stop you from having bad thoughts?” Harry asked, voice muffled into the collar of Louis’ dress shirt. Louis chuckled at this. He trailed a hand down Harry’s back, feeling the muscles tensing along with his touch.

“I guess you can say that. You’re a good distraction.”

“Then I will be the best distraction.” Harry answered, pulling back and watched Louis’ lips unashamedly.

“Come distract me, then.”

Or the Prince/ Knight AU in which Harry left Louis, but the omega never once gave up on them.

♥ i don't wanna be your friend, i wanna kiss your neck by crybaby | 19k | E

Harry has been in love with Louis Tomlinson for four years, five months, and thirteen days.

Harry had fallen in love with Louis Tomlinson like how he’d seen in movies, and how he’d read in all the books he’d stolen from Gemma, headfirst and shameless. The only problem was, that in films and books, love was always either returned instantly, or else it took time for unrequited love to lose the first two letters, and since the first option was obviously not true, Harry decided he would wait for the second to become reality. And so Harry waited, three years, eight months, and four days, before his heart had been broken by a gentle rejection and a misplaced blowjob, before Louis and Gemma had packed up and gone to Manchester for university.

(Harry is a hopelessly romantic omega and Louis is his sister's best friend)

♥ picking up the pieces by falsegoodnight @falsegoodnight | 35k | E

“Zayn,” he murmurs, quietly but desperately.

Knowing what to do immediately, Zayn discreetly glances behind them to scan the room. “Walking over,” he says, confirming Louis’ worst fears.

“Maybe he’ll just pass by without stopping,” Louis says, glancing at the tables next to them as if hoping to find some other group of friends Harry had in high school that he could possibly want to talk to.

Eyebrow arched and lips pursed, Zayn has the nerve to look amused. “He’s looking directly at us.”

“Cause a diversion,” Louis rushes through his teeth, panic clawing up his throat. He can’t look Harry in the face again. Not yet, maybe not ever.

Zayn rolls his eyes and grabs his hand, interlocking their fingers. “It’s now or never, dear.”

- Louis returns to his hometown for the first time in ten years for his high school reunion and is faced with memories he’s long since tried to forget.

MPREG

♥ waiting on you by beckywritesthings @beckydoesthings | 21k | M

“Do you want to touch?” Harry asks, taking one of his hands off to tangle with Louis’. His open invitation finally drags Louis’ attention away from his baby and up to his face, blue eyes wobbly with emotions. It’s clear that he’s too taken to really form words, so Harry takes the initiative to press their laced hands against his shirt fabric, warmth from the skin radiating through.

Louis pushes his shirt up to his chest, taking Harry’s hand and pressing it to hold the fabric in place. His hands return to warm skin, palms even more scalding now that there’s nothing in between them. And then, as if that wasn’t enough for Harry’s heart to handle, Louis leans in, pressing his lips right above his belly button.

“Hi, baby,” he says, lips moving across his skin softly. “I’m your… I’m Louis.”

Or Harry is pregnant with a stranger’s baby and Louis doesn’t know. It’s a minor detail that Harry’s both living with Louis and in love with him. No big deal.

♥ you fit me better than my favourite sweater by brightbluelou | 13k | NR

Harry didn't mean to fall in love with his best friend, and he definitely didn't mean to get pregnant. Despite that, it’s probably still the best thing that’s ever happened to him. And after that, well. It just kept getting better.

or; the one where Harry and Louis are friends-with-benefits and Harry unexpectedly gets pregnant. Harry never wants to stop getting pregnant after that, but Louis thinks seven kids is probably enough.

AUS

♥ our matchmaker: the fucking universe by peachloulou | 8k | E |

On your eighteenth birthday, you end up with your soulmates' name tattooed on your body. The universe works in a fairly simple way, so Louis knows Harry is his soulmate. He's got Harry's name tattooed on his ass cheek like a tramp stamp, and Harry's got the name Lou written on the inside of his wrist. Except Harry doesn't know what Louis' soulmates name is because Louis is a romantic fool, and, ever since Harry woke up with the name Lou two years after Louis, he's been a quest to find his own soulmate. Meeting after meeting.

But maybe Louis' wrong, and he and Harry are nothing more than best friends.

Or the one where the universe is annoyingly fucking complicated.

♥ Love Isn't Always on Time by softfonds @softfonds | 45k | E

Falling in love with your best friend sounds like a good idea, until he comes back from a work trip engaged to another man. A Made of Honor AU.

♥ You Might Want to Marry My Husband by Rearviewdreamer | 37k | M

When Harry’s husband dies, he asks one thing of him; to find love and happiness again without him. It’s a request that Harry is happy to disregard, until he meets the one person who is impossible to ignore.

♥ Work of Magic by Bekita @justalarryblog | 34k | NR

"C’mon Liam, are you really going to use this against me now? You know the kind of humans his kind is! You know very well why we hunt them!" Louis said, done with the conversation and walking down the hall.

"No! We hunt people who don’t care about others, and neither Harry nor anyone in his family is like that!” Liam exasperated, following behind. “Louis, it's been two weeks, don’t you wanna know how Harry is? Has this hatred taken over so fast?" Liam inquired, knowing the hit a nerve.

"You know what, Liam? I'm not going to have this conversation with you." Louis said decisively, turning his back to his friend ready to go to his class.

But life is never fair, is it? When he turned around he was face to face with Harry in the middle of the hallway. The two stared at each other. Do I hate him? Louis wondered as he watched Harry's eyes fill with tears and seem to be begging for something. He preferred to ignore the pang in his chest and the urge to comfort the boy in front of him. He lowered his head and continued on his way.

Or the one that Louis is a WitchHunter and Harry is a Witch and they keep it as a secret, but they fall in love.

♥ practice in pencil, seal it in pen by loubellies @loubellies | 16k | E

AU where drunk Harry lifts Louis up after someone says “bottoms up”. Louis blushes at Harry’s antics, flustered that his best friend knew him more than he thought. Friends to lovers with a happy ending pleaseor Harry is in love with Louis but he doesn't know.

♥ plant new seeds by glitterhaz @cloudslou | 44k | TUA

Harry nods, not trusting his words. Slowly, he crawls under the covers of his bed, all too aware that Louis is doing the same, so close to him. Initially, he faces his desk, not looking at Louis, but after a few minutes he gets uncomfortable and turns over. Now, he’s only a foot from Louis’ face, and Louis has turned around too.

He doesn’t think Louis is asleep already, and it's confirmed when Louis’ eyes blink open sleepily. Harry looks at Louis, and Louis looks at him. Really looks.

“Can you see me?” Louis whispers.

Harry doesn’t understand the question, not really, but nods anyway. “Yeah, I see you,”

**Louis works at a lonely community garden, Harry is the upstanding fraternity man who makes it all feels a little less lonely. Over the course of a semester, that is.

♥ Skin New, Hands True, My Hands All Over You by PearlyDewdrops | 44k | E

Harry designs wedding cakes, so of course meeting blissfully happy couples every day is part of his job description. Unfortunately, it's caused Harry to perpetually hope each new day is the one he'll find love, too. That is, until Harry realises everything he's ever wanted is right under his nose in the shape of his best friend, Louis.

But predictably, Harry only comes to this epiphany when Louis starts seeing someone else. And this is not a John Hughes movie as far as Harry is aware. Everyone else is pretty sure, though.

Featuring a heavy dose of pining, copious amounts of alcohol, drunk dialing that results in a situation reminiscent of Rachel Green's, a ginger cat that likes to interrupt intimate moments, and a Halloween party that changes everything.

♥ if it kills me by you_explode | 110k | M

Harry and Louis have worked together in a difficult office environment for six years. They're best friends; Louis is the bright spot of all of Harry's days. But Louis is in love with Harry, and Harry's engaged to someone else. And that's only the beginning.

The Office AU. More or less follows the first five seasons. A lot of pining and misunderstanding the depth of feelings and rejection and angst, until there isn’t.

♥ In This Light by exhilarated | 99k | E

Harry is a wardrobe stylist who likes to live in the moment, and Louis is a popstar who looks dreamy in double breasted jackets. Harry never stood a chance.

♥ smell the sea, feel the sky by lightswoodmagic @lightwoodsmagic | 16k | E

They’d been planning this beach trip for months, stressing around work schedules and engagement parties, trying to find the perfect place to stay in and a time where there wouldn’t be families everywhere but the weather still perfect. Louis had spent what felt like hours researching and planning, dinners with Zayn and his boyfriend at their house that just ended in looking at places and sending them to Niall. He’d been looking forward to it for weeks, getting away from his job and his bullshit neighbours and the noise of the city.

It seemed ridiculous, really, that in all that time, Zayn hadn’t mentioned once that Harry was coming.

Or, Louis doesn't know how he's going to spend a week with the one person he wants and can't have. Harry proves him wrong.

♥ This Shifting Ground by zarah5 | 28k | M

University AU. In which Louis, law student, is the cheeky waiter to Harry’s dates. This is how it starts.

♥ No One Like You by myownspark | 19k | M

Dear Niall,I was glad to have the chance to talk with you again at the AHA conference. Your idea that the Musee D’Orsay Tomlinson painting is in fact not a self-portrait is an intriguing one, and I may have discovered something that will have a bearing on that theory.

Some background: as you may remember, I’ve been researching for a book I’m writing about Harry Styles. I’ve been in communication with Styles’ last living descendant, who is in possession of a trunk that her family believed to have belonged to Styles himself. It held some personal items she presumes to be his, including two unmounted paintings and a small collection of letters.

Upon spending the last few days in Provins studying these items, I believe there to be a connection between Tomlinson and Styles, and I would very much like your opinion.

Are you up for a trip to France?

Sincerely, Liam Payne

Where Liam and Niall are art historians discovering the truth about two nineteenth century painters on opposite sides of an artistic divide.

♥ across city skyline (and straight through my heart) by Halos_Boat @halohamilton | 76k | M

Louis Tomlinson meets Hollywood Heartthrob, Harry Styles when he walks into Louis' little bakery one day.

Immediately, Louis is charmed by him and Louis thinks Harry might feel the same way, given the fact that Harry has visited the bakery everyday since he'd come to town.

Until one day, Harry walks in with a boyfriend under his arm and a smile on his face.

The one where Louis owns a small bakery that's well known in his town and Harry Styles is an actor who comes to town to film a new movie. Louis is endeared by him, but that doesn’t seem to matter since Harry Styles is already taken.

♥ Tired Tired Sea by MediaWhore | 113k | M

As a B&B owner on the most remote of all the British Isles, Louis Tomlinson is used to spending the coldest half of the year in complete isolation, with his dog and the sea as sole companions. Until, one day, a mysterious stranger on a quest to rebuild himself rents a room for the winter.

♥ Here In The Afterglow by fondleeds | 88k | NR

“If you hadn’t noticed, I don’t have many friends,” Louis whispers, the blossom of insecurity in his stomach unfurling and clawing its way into his throat.

Harry is silent for a long time, and then he speaks; a soft, slow uncurl that makes Louis’ stomach shake. “I’ll be your friend.”

- 1970’s AU. In a tiny town in Idaho, Louis’ life is changed forever by the arrival of a curious stranger.

♥ Nicotine by KrisStylinson | 42k | E

"We're two different types of people, Liam. He likes sex and drugs, I like theater and tea. Trust me, we'd never date." Except they would, they do, and neither of them plans on letting go anytime soon.

"Just because you can get me hard doesn't mean I like you," Louis whispered. The fact was, he didn't like Harry right now, not at all. Not even a bit.

"Yeah, yeah," Harry murmured, his breath fanning over Louis' cock as he spoke. "You done telling me how much you hate me so I can suck you off?"

♥ California Sold by isthatyoularry | 123k | M

Notoriously closeted boyband member Harry Styles is famous on a global scale, meanwhile Louis, as his best friend, is back home in Manchester, living the typical life of a 24 year old. When Harry needs Louis with him in LA, a publicity stunt gone wrong changes their friendship forever.

A fake-relationship AU between two lifelong best friends.

—————

if you feel like you need more, don’t hesitate to ask me :)

[losersclublol]

kinda weird and odly specific (fem) stozier bff head cannons !!!

stan has only ever let her bare feet out around richie

they quote the twins from like that one snl sketch. wait lemme specify. this one and they quote all the john mulany ones. like “we’re so close we finish eachother..” “off”. “his bootys real” “but my personality is fake”

they do those smule duets together and it’s a hot fucking mess but kinda good???

stupid. fucking. tiktoks.

so many

richie insists that they only do like one but they’re both on a friendship high and end up making like 20 and they’re all messy yet funny and good

a few of them blew up

cause why wouldn’t they. like you take richie, an actual comedian, and stan, an actual comedian who just won’t get paid for it. and you get comedic genius with the right amount of fruityness

ew no but matching pjs at sleepovers omg

sleepovers would either be like “we need sleep but you’re at my house” or “almost breaking something whilst having an amazing time and oh wow how did that get in your hair”

stan does richies hair at least once a month and she keeps telling richie to just do her hair like this and it’ll look this good all the time and richie keeps saying she will but noooooooo she doesn’t cause she’s a little dirt girl who has to look messy

they make the weirdest but best snacks together (i used to dip cabbage in lemonade, it was bomb)

they make little cooking videos/vlogs but it’s just stan looking tired and doing a good job, richie getting lost and confused and both of them losing everything they put down

“anyway now we need the spatula to mix it all up… where is the spatula” “how tf would i know dumbass you had it last” “okay don’t be mean stancy but seriously where is it i just had it” “bro i don’t know just retrace your steps or something idk… wait no where tf is it it’s not here” “see what i mean???” *confused looking* “omg where is it” “it’s gonna burn !” “no ! we made that together ! where is it !!!” *even more confused and stressed looking* “I DONT KNOW “ *harmonised screaming* “wait no no no it’s fine i’ll just turn the heat off for now” “oh thank god you’ve saved us,,, wait nvm no need i found it !” “where was it?” “oh the counter right next to us” “omg”

they’re the only ones who can see each others like ugly cackle only for bff snorty loud yet so silent laugh (please tell me you know what one i’m talking about)

the amount of times they’ve gotten in trouble for laughing so much omg

one time richie made them “hold hands” with their feet

she got punched but she got a picture so it’s worth it

their contact photos for eachother are the both best and worst pictures they have of the other

no other losers can see them

stozier eyes only

they definitely had one of those joint bff instagram accounts when they were like 12

omg musically

they had a shared account on musically too and it is the best thing ever made

HOLY SHIT ITS A GOLD MINE

“honey you already know i’m the slomo queen” and it’s just them doing some stupid ass spin with glasses on or something

stan has glasses

reading kinda glasses not like richies blind ass ones

omg no stan being farsighted is so funny to me tho i’ve thought about it before

like she can see birds like a mile away but walks into every fucking pole ever

she just can’t see them (how?? idk)

they share clothes

obviously

but when one of them comes over to the others house for a sleepover they just immediately change into whatever clothes is there

shared wardrobe

y’know my dad once put on my sisters jeans and they fit

sorry back on topic

i hate to be the one to say it but

they were each other’s first kiss and you can not tell me they weren’t

it’s up to you how it happens but it did

stans scared of spiders and richie takes advantage of that as much as possible (within reason she’s not an asshole)

she used the like spider on your face filter r to scare stan and it worked

she horror screams every time

THIS MASSIVE FUCKING SPIDER JUST CRAWLED OVER ME AND ITS LOST WTF

no no no fuck this no no

FUCK WHAT THE FUCK FUCK OFF NO

kms

i meant “i’m” but like yeah sure

anyways i’m sleeping downstairs tonight

they make up insane stories about stans bat mitzvah bc they were the only losers there

they shoot the straw wrappers at each other no doubt

have been mistaken for a couple too many times to count

they hold hands when they’re out and about (cause stan feels anxious and needs constant reassurance that she’s not gonna be left alone, also cause bffs)

they’ve got like ten of the bff necklaces and bracelets

like those wee bacon and egg ones that have the words “best” and “friends” on it

(stan got the bacon one)

they’re both lactose intolerant but have ice cream dates

whenever they have like picnics stan always brings perfectly cut fruit and nice sandwiches and food and stuff and richie brings all the snacks that they both like

stans like the mum who makes the cute little bentos

soup making omg

they’ve 100% cosplayed like heather chandler and veronica and like oh god i don’t wanna say it but bakudeku HDHSJXBHXHAJSNSN

i’m sorry but it’s funny

it was unintentional at first tho

richie was doing the deku voice for a tiktok and stan was telling her to stfu and people ran with it

WHY IS THAT SO FUNNYHXVSHXB BHSKSMSM N JEJNS

they’ve definitely ugly cried together

well of course

but it still had to be said

and like cuddles awwwwww

also they genuinely love eachother

whether it’s romantic or platonic they are like soulmates to me

well to me all the losers are soulmates but stozier are just the ultimate best friends

okay y’know what i’m gonna end this here

also i have no clue how to do the read more things apologies

oh and if anyone has any tips on how to do it in the mobile that would be so appreciated !!!

[ff-imagines]

Can i request some nsfw headcanons for mantis shrimp? I read through your blog and let me just say: I'm a big fan. Btw if you dont wanna do them thats fine as well

Salt and pepper shrimp: nsfw alphabet

I did the whole alphabet bc? Why not! Side note I rly wanna write a fic going off my thoughts ab his experience level >:)

A - aftercare

Look, getting him to release you from his hold to go to the bathroom on a regular night is a battle enough. After sex? Phew I wish you luck. Might wanna just put some water on your night stand beforehand. You would be able to convince him to take a bath with you pretty easily though, he likes how the warm water feels very much. Make sure to cuddle him in the bath still, he's in a very vulnerable state right now and he really needs some good old tlc.

B- body parts

he’s got a weird fixation with your hands. He likes to compare hand sizes, whether your hands are bigger or smaller isn’t what he likes, he just likes to admire them. He loves sucking/biting your fingers while he’s got you in his lap. Lacing your fingers with his with one hand while bringing the other to his cheek, nuzzling into your hand while he bounces you on his cock.

On himself, there is tragically little that he genuinely likes. He views himself as a weapon, getting him to unlearn that will not be an easy process, trust me, Boston has tried. Complimenting his eyes does seem to make him a little more flustered than other praises, and he has a hard time staring you in the eye during sex…. maybe we can start there.

C - cum

His cum is pretty thin but there’s a shit ton of it. Enough that if he cums inside you swear you can feel the warmth as his cock pours rope and rope of his seed into you.

He doesn’t actually care where he cums, just ask him and he’ll comply.

inside you? sounds good.

On your back? Say less.

On the floor? You’re cleaning it, but sure.

He did discover he’s got an affinity for watching his cum on your tongue. I don’t know how you’d be able to swallow it all, but any attempt you make will be met with shrimp getting hard all over again.

D - dirty secret

He secretly thinks it’d be really hot for you to dom him. It’s gonna take a very long time before he’s comfortable letting you have that Linda control over him, just the thought of being tied up, hands behind his back while you praise him for being such a good boy, its a fantasy he’s visited on many sleepless nights.

E - experience

Nope. Nada. To be frank, I think he’s the definition of Demisexual, and he has yet to meet anyone besides Boston and the anti-human gang who he genuinely wants to get to know better. He definitely hasn’t met anyone who wants to get to know better for romantic reasons.

He doesn’t know enough about human customs to know that it can be embarrassing for someone to be inexperienced, but he does feel very very nervous the first few times. He’ll need a lot of reassurance, give him praise and he’s putty in your hands.

F - favorite position

I'm gonna be boring and say missionary. It’s simple, easy, and since he’s brand new to all of this it’s the least mentally overstimulating. He very much likes that he can see your face.

If he’s feeling extra spicy he might grab onto the inside of your knees and push you into the mating press, though he really only does this if he’s upset or jealous.

If you ask nicely he might let you sit in his lap, as a treat. Bouncing on his cock as he litters your chest with bite marks, what a treat it is <3

G - goofy

…. yea for sure definitely. He’s a real jokester.

On a serious note, he himself is not a goofy person whatsoever, but he would actually like it if you were. Outright making fun of him or harsh teasing is an immediate turn off, but light jokes to ease his nerves is for sure welcomed since he’s very tense the first few times.

Give him time and you might even catch him cracking a small joke himself, all the while giving you a weak, nervous smile.

H- hair

He doesn’t trim or shave anything lmao. He’s busy, and also doesn’t care literally at all. He’s got a thin happy trail that can be easy to miss since he's blonde.

He’s got the same energy with your body hair, he doesn’t care. If you do shave he might ask why, just out of curiosity. If your reason is insecurity, he’ll probably suggest you let it grow, he doesn’t care and he’s the only one who’ll ever see it lmao

I- intimacy

It’s an awkward “i hope to fuck I’m doing this right” kind of intimacy. He fumbles and messes up a lot, he might even accidentally miss when thrusting and end up just kinda rubbing himself on you but he’s really trying. Just from the fact he’s willing to try this at all with you is a big sign that he’s really trying his best to be as intimate as he can with you.

J- jerk off

Before meeting you, not a lot actually. He mostly just did it if he ever woke up from a wet dream and knew that if he didn’t take care of it now he’d never be able to get back to sleep.

After your first time together, his first time, he thinks back the immeasurable pleasure a lot, finding himself in need of relief a lot more than he ever did before. You are the catalyst to his drive, and you are also the only thing he can think about that can help him cum. It’s kinda sweet in a perverted way.

K- Kinks

He will bite you. It’s just so easy to bruise you and it makes your relationship status to others so obvious, he can’t just… not bite you.

Marking, going along with the biting kink. This goes both ways, he’d love for you to scratch at his back enough to leave red marks, to bite as his collarbone, grip his hips tight enough to bruise. He likes looking at the marks later, they remind him that he did good, he made you feel good, that’s all he really wants.

He doesn’t exactly have a breeding kink as much as this goes along with the marking aspect. Suggest to him that he cum deep inside you to mark your insides… he might give you 2-3 loads just to make sure you're nice and full, completely claimed.

He also kinda likes to make you cry. Overstimulating you to the point of tears gives him a sense of pride he hasn’t really felt before.

He really likes temperature play as well, dragging ice cubes and hot wax across your skin and watching you flinch and squirm just does something to him.

And of course, light bondage. He probably found out it was a thing after reading some kinda erotic fiction and immediately went to you like “why did you not tell me about this?????” He adores how to look all tied up and stuck, right in the palm of his hands. It makes him feel emotional as well, that you’re willing to give him such a powerful amount of control over you.

Last but not least, please praise him. During sex as well as day to day. Let him know he’s so pretty, he’s doing so good, he’s cock feels so so good, he might cum on the spot.

L- location

The first time he’d really need it to be in a secluded, safe area. He’s gotta feel comfy if he’s gonna get into the mood.

Every other time? Babes you’ve awakened a beast, he’ll get random spikes of “if I don’t at least try to fuck them I will scream”. You could be in the middle of a forest running from an axe wielding murderer and this horny bastard would still find a way to pull you aside and rail you against a tree.

There most likely isn’t a spot in your home that he hasn’t fucked you against.

Peaceful moment of washing dishes? Think again, he’s plopping you on the kitchen counter and diving to mouth at your neck.

Writing some papers? Just sit on his lap, you’ll feel much less stressed with his cock buried to the hilt, won’t you?

Doing laundry? Might have to rewash them cause now he’s using the clothes as a bed to fuck you on. He’ll apologize and help you fold them after they’re rewashed bc he feels bad lmao

M- motivation

Like I said, he’s set off by the smallest things. A little stretch, wiping some water off on your pants, humming a song, all of it can randomly make him feel the need to fuck you.

The most intense and quickest way to rile him up is either playing with his hair, or massaging his back. It starts out innocent but he just can’t take the thought of your pretty hands working so lovingly and not at least trying to reciprocate and make you feel good too.

N- no

No sharing. He doesn’t want someone else to see you, and he doesn’t want someone else to see him. It’s just not something he likes.

He also hates humiliation. He… would tolerate it if you asked for it, even if he doesn’t get why you’d want him to outright insult you. But for himself? Fuck no, he hates it so fuckin much. He’s a sensitive insecure puppy that wants your attention very badly, pls don’t hurt him like that :(

O- oral

Oh please give him oral. He’s begging. Well, he’d never outright beg but the way his eyes fixate on your mouth a lot is his way of silently pleading for you to wrap your lips around his cock. His soul ascends a little every time he sees his cum dribbling down your face, he might be even willing to make out with his cum still on your tongue.

As for giving, he’s got no clue what the hell he’s doing but he’s nervously eager to try. Guide him as best you can, he’s good at measuring your reactions so he can handle the rest. Tug on his hair a little bit if you wanna drive him crazy.

He’ll get a lot better with time, his eagerness to please however, does not leave him in the slightest.

P- pace

The first time? Slow and unsure, then he realizes “oh fuck this feels stupid good” and his pace becomes almost punishing. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing, he’s unknowingly going deeper and harder than you've ever been dicked down in your life. If you want him to, somehow, go harder? Grab his hand and place it over your stomach to make him feel his cock enter you through your skin, his hand slides down to grip your hips and slams into you, wiggling his hips without withdrawing to gain some of his sanity back before he’s back to a punishing pace.

Q- quickies

Oh hell yea. He lives for them. Sudden moments of horniness come to him all the time and since this spike in desire is brand new, he hasn’t really… learned to live with it yet. He pulls you aside into closets and alleyways all the time, he can’t help that you feel so warm and snug :(

R- risk

He doesn’t exactly enjoy the thought of a voyeur, he really doesn’t want to share you with anyone. But… there is a deeper part of him that finds a sense of pride if someone were to hear you getting absolutely pounded by him, desperately crying out and whining for him to go deeper, even better if they were someone who pined for you….

S- stamina

Well, to be frank he cums pretty quickly. It’s all so brand new to him, he really can’t help it. Lucky for you, his refractory time is crazy low. He can cum once, watch you do some mindless motion you always do and he’s right back to being hard again in minutes.

T- toys

Not against it, but is again, brand new to all this shit. He’s very interested in using your own toys against you though. Would definetly use a vibrater to edge and overstim you. He’d be interested in a cock ring, only if you were willing to endure a vibrator while he fucks you, he doesn’t wanna be the only one struggling lmao

U- unfair

He can be, yea. He kinda likes edging you, but not as much as he likes overstimulating you.

He loves to hear how you beg under him when he’s pulling you so close to the edge, keeping you just far enough to drive you insane.

Overstimming though? The way you twitch and beg, how your chest heaves and your mouth hangs open into a silent scream, eyes shut tight and watering, now that’s the good shit.

V- volume

Doesn’t talk much, but for sure gives out a lot of groans. This is something he’s never felt before in his life, the first few times you're going to get a lot of whines and surprised yelps, check up on him and make sure he’s still doing alright, he’s just very nervous.

As he gets more comfortable, he gives you quiet praises and promises to make you feel good. He also groans quite a lot, but since his voice is deeper it can be hard to catch.

W- wild card

He really wants to try using his prosthetic arm for temperature play, he’s just not at all confident in himself enough to bring it up. He likes the thought of you jumping and squirming under his touch, for now he can just stick to wax play.

X- X Ray

Mans is actually pretty fuckin big. He’s got no idea how big he is though. If you were surprised and a little nervous about his size he’d be pretty confused, is there something wrong? Did you change your mind? The concept of him being well above average is something you’ll have to explain later. It boosts his ego quite bit, even if he’d never admit it.

Whine about him being too big and you can just see the pride swelling in his chest, giving you no mercy with his thrusts.

Y- yearning

Often. Very very often. He’d fuck you multiple times every day if he had the time. However, you’re both busy, and you’d probably get a UTI with how many times this man wants to dick you down lmao. He’s got his cock buried in you at least 4-5 times a week.

Z- zzz

Actually pretty quickly. Even if he prefers being in control during sex, he kinda likes being the little spoon as he drifts to sleep. Give him some soft praises about how well he did and he’s turning into jello in your hold.

[sevasey51]

This is just a random thing… I’ve seen you mention migraines often and I wanted to know more about that in a way

I know everybody is different but I’m willing to try anything! For future references. What usually helps with your migraines? Are they caused by anything particular that you know of? (If you are willing to share)

I get migraines every once in awhile not always bad enough to be considered what I describe below but sometimes a little more than your average headache (don’t know what they are from)

But regardless last night I had my worst one yet and it’s still somewhat there just not as bad as it was but still hard to ignore. I felt weak in a way, warm and clammy, a little nauseated, dizzy when I stood up, vision a little fuzzy, exhausted, confused, and every little thing was almost overstimulating me. I was only able to fall asleep after some excedrin and finally having to resort to laying on my cold tile bathroom floor in complete darkness and silence..

To make matters worse I’m pretty positive I have emetophobia so I was also trying so hard not to throw up bc that would have made everything so much worse for me and I was already crying bc I was in so much pain and scared bc I was nauseous

:/

Hey love, I hope you’re feeling better than you were. Don’t see this as random it’s absolutely fine to ask about this, even though it is different for everyone. Personally I have two main types of headaches which are tension headaches behind my eyes and at the base of my neck and migraines which usually go either both sides of my head the back of my eyes anyway really.

As for the cause of my migraines I have had multiple operations and other medical procedures in my life most of them were just after I was born due to having hydrocephalus when I was a baby after birth because there are 3 different types which are explained in the link, it’s basically in short excess spinal fluid on the brain. I had a procedure when I was about 3 weeks old to evacuate all of the excess fluid and got away with minimal complications, up until I was about 4 years old, I had experienced seizures some of which did land me in hospital but when I was 5 I was released from being under review from a neurologist and since then I’ve had no problems except from all these headaches that we’ve just put down to this, and I just call it a lasting effect from it but it’s better than what I could’ve been left with which I’m greatly appreciative of. I also had an eye surgery too on both of my eyes and that causes bad headaches behind the eyes and my really bad dry eyes too.

I personally leave the causes of my migraines and headaches down to those medical problems and procedures. Stress does affect them too for me if I get too stressed over a good amount of time I can be left with an excruciating migraine for a couple of days which is one of those you have to just wait out cocooned in bed, and that’s if my body wants to regulate it’s body temperature.

As for what works for me to relive them, it was hit and miss for a while. These products are all available in the uk so I don’t know if there is different varieties of these products in your country or not but this is what works for me for a tension headache.

I’ve found the versions of these products for the us if this helps :)

-> Pressure point message

-> Kool & soothe soft gel sheets for your forehead or neck

-> tension headache pain relief

-> migraine headache pain relief

-> any type of electrolyte replacement

Ice pops premixed electrolytes

Anti nausea medication is a lifesaver sometimes if you can get ahold of it though your pharmacist, i know i can get it over the counter without prescription but I don’t know how it works for anyone else outside the uk

Ice packs or hot packs you’ll find what works for you personally they both work for me depending on what type of headache it is.

Other than that if you can sleeping it off if your body will be kind enough to let you, but other than that’s about all that I can think of that helps me out when my body is against me :)

Lovey I hope you’re feeling better, I definitely know where your coming from with that description of your migraine so I’m sending all of my hugs and big loves your way and if you need or want to ask anything else please message 🫶🏻

[harryhandstan]

gotta get better

gif credit

This concept has been in my head for a while now and it took me like a month to write and edit and just get it all out! I had surgery two years ago today and it was one of the most emotional, stressful experiences of my life simply bc I’m just a big baby lol. This is just something to celebrate that day and the fact that I’m still so happy it’s all over! Fluffy af as usual cause that’s all I know how to write. :)

Thankful to @bfharry​ and @bopbopstyles​ for not only inspiring me with their amazing writing but pushing me towards finishing this and reaching (even going over) my personal 5k goal! I appreciate you both so much!!

I recently saw a post about tagging triggers properly so I’m gonna do it that way but if I do it wrong or it doesn’t work PLEASE let me know and I will fix it immediately (just want to be sure all my bases are covered)

// needles tw, pills tw (prescription), anxiety tw // (if I missed anything I should’ve tagged please please let me know!!) and I’m sure there are some medical inaccuracies bc that whole day is kind of a blur for me haha 

as always likes/rbs/comments are welcome but absolutely not necessary :) 

final word count: 7.1k

//

"Y'nervous, angel?"

"Hmm?"

"Bout to chew your finger off. I know there can't be much of a nail left."

Your hand drops back to your lap. You hadn't even realized you were doing it. A bad habit of the nervous child you thought you'd long forgotten. He offers his left hand and you accept it, thumb swiping over the cross painted across his skin. He knows it's one of your favorites and you're thankful for the comfort. You don't know how many times he'd teased you about how you would eventually rub it off one day and he'd have to get it redone.

"S'a routine surgery, I bet they do them all day. You're gonna be fine."

You'd been over all this a thousand times before. Harry had to ban you from looking up the procedure online at one point. You became obsessive with worry. What if you're still awake when they cut into you and you can't talk? What if you feel everything and can't tell anyone? What if you don't wake up? He had shot down every one of your horrifying theories.

"How much longer before they take me back?"

"Nurse said it would be about 10 minutes when we checked in. Shouldn't be too much longer. Want me to check the board again?"

Checking in had only consisted of a nurse taking your name and giving you your bracelet for the day with an ID number. The number would help Harry stay updated on where you were throughout the whole process. The "board" was simply a tv mounted to the wall that frequently cycled through each patient's last name and ID number.

"No, no," You cling to his sleeve like a desperate child, "Don't leave again. She said they wouldn't update anything until I went back anyway."

Harry had left you only briefly when you first arrived. Hands in his pockets, wandering around like a lost child around the big, open expanse of the waiting room. He stayed where you could see him and the whole time you had anxiously chewed your bottom lip until he returned. You hated it, but you knew he was just as nervous as you. So you let him have that moment. To check his surroundings and release some of the nerves so he could come back to you, calm and cool as always.

When the nurse does call your name, you almost jump out of your skin. You freeze, unable to move. Harry stands and flashes the nurse a quick smile before turning back to you and offering his hand.

You shake your head, "I can't do this, H. I feel like I'm gonna throw up if I move."

"You're not, promise. Remember those breathing exercises we practiced? Do those. C'mon..deep breath in. Pause. Slowly let it out. Do it while we walk."

Slow deep breath in. Pause. Slowly let it out.

You remember how silly you felt the first time you did it. How it made you giggle at first. This is never going to work. But eventually it did. Anytime you got upset or started to overthink about this day, Harry made you stop whatever you were doing and sit down. Breathe.

It was a little difficult to do while walking. Your body wanted to pause your steps when your breath paused, but Harry tugged you along, you almost hiding behind him until you made it through a set of heavy wooden doors to a small space with a hospital bed and a curtain drawn in front of it.

//

The IV had had been your biggest dread, the fear overriding any logic that it was something you needed, instead of something the nurses decided to do simply to torture you.

Your face twists into a wince of pain when the needle goes into your vein, Harry standing over you, his face a mirror of your own as you squeeze his hand. When the nurse pulls away with a triumphant "all done!" you flash a look of surprise between your arm and Harry.

"Not that bad, eh? Think ya overreacted a bit about how bad that was gonna be?" He raises his eyebrows, waiting for you to shoot him a nasty look for teasing you.

"Maybe a little." You pinch your index finger and thumb together, indicating a minimal amount.

"Tiny bit more, babe," Another nurse appears from around the curtain and he laughs before speaking to her, "it's all she's worried about all morning."

"Honestly that's everyone's least favorite part. The rest of the day should be aces if you can handle that!"

Harry settles himself into a chair while the nurse goes through a myriad of questions. Any other surgeries? Allergies to medications you know of? Do you smoke? Drink?

Harry snorts when you say no to drinking, but quickly clasps his hand over his mouth when the nurse's head snaps to look between you and him.

"The occasional drink is fine, no worries. Nothing this morning though, right?"

"No, ma'am."

Your eyes meet his, a mischievous grin still plastered across his face. He mumbles a quick "sorry" while you try to pull your concentration back towards the nurse and the remainder of her questions.

"Alright, time for the good stuff," she passes you a small clear cup with two white pills, "First one is just something to keep you calm and relaxed, second one is to prevent any pain after the procedure. They'll give you something to make you sleepy when you get to the OR, but this might make you a bit loopy for now."

"This should be fun." Harry claps his hand in front of him, rubbing them together quickly. He leans forward in his chair, as if ready for a show.

"Yeah? Is she a happy drunk?"

Harry had only ever experienced you high on any sort of prescription medication once, almost a year ago when you went on a girl's trip with your best friend and twisted your ankle in an attempt to make it back to her car after dinner out one night. You calling him from an unknown ER in the middle of the night had terrified him enough to start packing a bag to fly to you before your best friend could grab your phone and assure him you were fine and she would put you on a plane home to him in two days as planned. He had teased you endlessly when he picked you up from the airport and for the next few days afterwards as you limped around on a bruised, ACE bandage wrapped foot.

But after too many wine drunk nights to count, he had enough stories to humiliate you with and the thought of any one of them being told now had you sinking further into the hospital bed.

"You could say that. Last time she.." His voice trails off at the sight of your eyes, wide as saucers, begging him to stop.

The nurse grins, her face kind and sympathetic to your silent cry for help.

"We're a little behind schedule this morning so it may be about 20 minutes before they come transport you, okay?" You nod, the effects of the sedative already working its way through your system, "Keep an eye on her? Make sure she behaves?"

"Yeah, I got her. We'll be fine, thank you so much." He's closer now, standing next to you again, a hand sliding up your arm to settle on your shoulder. You manage a thumbs up and a sleepy "thank you" as an affirmation that you appreciate all she's done for you.

"You're more than welcome. You'll have a different set of nurses in recovery but if you need anything until they come get you, just let me know, alright?"

"We will, thanks." His thumb ghosts across the front of your collarbone, the lightest of touches to soothe you, his eyes still focused on the nurse.

"Good luck! You're gonna do just fine, I promise."

The second she's around the curtain, Harry nudges you lightly, "Scoot."

"Huh? What do you mean..Harry, there's not enough room for you in this bed." Your head feels too light to deal with his nonsense now.

"Yeah there is if you scoot. C'mon. Hurry before we get caught. M’supposed to be keeping an eye on you, remember? Gotta make sure you don't fall outta the bed."

He's already wedged himself next to you, trying to make his tall frame fit into the limited space.

You move over as much as you can, the rail of the bed poking into your hip.

He tucks one arm behind your head, the other one thrown behind his own as a cushion.

"You feel more relaxed now, lovie?"

You scrunch down in the bed, just enough that you can tuck your head under his other arm, "A little. I don't feel sleepy enough though," Your eyes dart up, seeking the comfort of his face, "I'm scared, H."

"I know you are, baby," the hand behind your head shifts to cup around your arm, pulling you closer, "Just pretend you're home with me and we're taking a nice little nap together, yeah?"

"But you won't be there with me, not really."

"I'll be there when you wake up though. First thing you'll see when you open your eyes, promise." He runs a finger along the curve of your nose, "Close your eyes. Try to sleep, hmm?"

You shake your head, turning towards him to hide your face in his side, inhaling his scent.

"Want me to turn the light off? Would that help?"

"No," You toss the arm that isn't trapped between you two over him, holding tightly to his shirt, "Stay."

"Alright, then. We'll just wait," He tilts his head to rest closer to yours, "Have you thought about what you want to eat after?"

"Not really. M'too nervous to think about food."

"We'll think of something good. Whatever you want."

"You're gonna get us in trouble, better scoot back to your corner like a good boy." Your words come out unintentionally slurred and you weakly push yourself up and away from him as he slides off. He doesn't sit though, just stands near you, an anxious look flashing across his features.

"Hey, c'mere. Gonna be fine, routine surgery, remember?" You stretch your arms out to him, a plea to be near his warmth again.

He sits on the edge of the bed, facing you. You tug lightly at the sleeve of his cardigan, a feeble attempt to pull him closer. He indulges you, his brow still creased with distress.

"Know ya gonna be fine, just hate you have to go through it at all. Wish I could take it from you without all this." He gestures to the IV he knows you despise so much.  

"You have helped take it from me. All the sleepless nights you spent up with me, holding my hair back when I got sick. All the days after when I was too drained to get out of bed. You were there for as much of it as you could be. And you pushed me to go see the surgeon in the first place. You've helped me more than you give yourself credit for."

His fingers intertwine in yours, the pad of his thumb soothing over the front of your hand.

"Make sure you keep my phone with you, my mom will probably call you every 30 minutes for updates." A yawn stretches across your face, "She has your number too, bullied me into giving it to her last week when I called to tell her about the surgery."

He nods, patting his pocket to make sure both phones are still nestled there together.

Another yawn threatens to escape and you muffle it this time, more content to fight sleep to stare at Harry; his hair a perfect mess of curls under the harsh brightness of the hospital lighting. His face is more relaxed now, his eyes still focused on your fingers tangled together. He catches you, your eyes glazed over, too heavy and threatening to close.

"Darling, please close your eyes. I can see how tired you are," His fingertips sweep delicately over your nose again, as if he was lulling a baby to sleep, "You don't have to stay awake for me."

"Closing my eyes for just a second, alright? Not because you told me to though. I want to. Wake me up in 2 hours, don't wanna sleep too long."

Your eyes are already drifting closed, the last thing you hear is a chuckle; effortless, light as air, "I will, promise."

Soft kisses pressed across your face, "Sweet dreams, love."

//

His voice is the first you hear as you wake up in the dimly lit recovery room. Well, really it was more like a big cubicle, another space with a curtain drawn in front of it. Even with the floaty, dreamy feeling flowing through your system, you can still detect the worry in his voice.

"Harry?" It takes your mind a minute to catch up and process where you are and what had happened.

Oh yeah. Surgery day. No more annoying gallbladder. No more sleepless nights. Freedom to eat what you want and not be haunted by nausea and sickness from what you ate.

"How are you feeling? Any pain?" Suddenly a nurse in bright blue scrubs is there, way too animated and loud at the moment, "Pain scale 1-10?"

"I don't have any pain. Zero." You're aware of how high you sound and a giggle escapes through the haze. That earns you a smile from Harry, one that lights up his whole face and makes his dimples shine through.

"Awesome! Well then as soon as you're good and awake we're gonna get this IV out and go over some paperwork for both of you to sign. I want you to drink something for me too, so what would you like?"

You request a ginger ale and as soon as the nurse leaves to retrieve it for you, Harry scoots the chair he's sitting in as close to the bed as possible.

"How long was I out?"

"Couple of hours," He absentmindedly fixes your hair, looping various curls back around to their respective places, "Took a little longer than expected, you had a small infection so they had to make sure it hadn't spread."

"How much longer?"

"Long enough you had us all slightly worried." His hand trails down your cheek to cup your chin gently, urging you to look at him, "You sure you're not in pain? Now's not the time to do that stubbornly brave thing you do where you pretend nothing's wrong."

"I feel fine, really. Just a little tired, ready to go home."

He studies your face, trying to find any trace of dishonesty. When he's satisfied you're being truthful, he stands and extracts your phone from his pocket.

"Already talked to ya mum, but your co-workers were all texting you, asking how you were. Figured you'd want to handle that yourself, didn't know how much detail you would want to give them."

"Did you give my mother all the details? Infection and everything?"

"Um, no. I knew better than to do that. Promised her you would call when I got you settled at home."

"You promised or she demanded?"

"Okay..she politely asked that you call her when we get home."

"That sounds more like her." You roll your eyes, pushing yourself so you're sitting more upright in the bed.

"She just worries about you." He adjusts the pillow behind you, fluffing and tucking it where you direct it, against your lower back.

"I know. I'll FaceTime her when we get home to prove I'm alive."

"It's been a while since we've seen them, maybe we should plan a visit?" He plops himself back in the chair, leaning back as far as he can go; hands behind his head, eyes closed. You'd both gotten very little sleep the night before, you were too anxious and he was too gracious to let you suffer alone.

"Oh please, I'm lucky I even got time off to do this. My boss would never allow another break so soon."

"Maybe for the holidays?"

"Maybe..but only if you can go with me, you know they love you more than me by now anyway."

"They do not," He peeks one eye open at you, "They love us both equally."

You shoot a quick text to your co-workers, using the group chat between the few of you to make it easier.

I'm out! Feeling okay for now but that might change later lol

The nurse is back, apologizing for taking so long, "We've been so behind all day, it's crazy busy. I had to wait for your doctor to sign off on your release." She hands you a can of ginger ale, white bendy straw already poised and ready for you.

"Just need you to sign here," She holds a clipboard and a pen out to you and you balance the can dangerously in one hand while you scribble something that resembles your signature. Close enough. She gestures for you to pass the clipboard to Harry, "His signature goes under yours, just says he's responsible for you for the next few hours until everything wears off."

"This means I'm the boss, right?" He leans over to grab the board, a wink thrown in your direction. He's enjoying himself way too much at the thought of being in control of you for the next few hours. Smug son of a bitch.

She takes the clipboard back and pulls off a yellow sheet of paper, "This is just your copy of what you signed, and also has post op instructions for your bandages. Your prescription's been sent to the pharmacy, and there's a brief summary of pain management information on the bottom there just in case you need it."

"Thank you." You transfer it right to Harry's waiting hand, knowing he'll be the one surveying every word, making sure you follow everything to the letter.

"I know you mentioned earlier having a little bit of a drive home, so probably once you get her some food and pick up her prescriptions, it'll be time for another round of meds. Okay?" She turns to you again, "I know it sounds silly, but one of the most important things after this particular surgery is lots of walking. Otherwise you'll be miserable. Rest for a while when you get home, then get up every 10 minutes or so until bedtime. Don't let her skip that part, alright? Very important."

"I heard you weren't a big fan of this thing," She nods towards the IV in your right forearm, "So this'll probably be the best part of this whole process for you. We'll get this out and then you can get changed and we'll get someone to wheel you down and out of here, alright? Don't look and you won't even know when it's gone."

"Hey, think about what you want to eat, huh? Your first freedom meal. Yay!" He slips his hand into your left, raising your connected hands victoriously. You didn't think it was possible for you to love him anymore until this moment. The way he could so easily erase your fear was one of his many gifts you adored him for, "What are we having, babe?"

You don't even hesitate before answering, "Pizza, from Milano's. It's my favorite, other than that one place in Italy you took me to. Please? Oh and one of their salads, with the little bread knots on the side!"

He glances at the nurse, awaiting a reprimand for your meal choice.

"As your nurse, I feel I should remind you that while you can have anything you feel like eating, we usually recommend something small and light at first. Broth or soup with some toast, maybe. The salad may be fine, but the pizza might be a little heavy. Taking it slow would be best. But everyone is different."

"So..just cheese then? Maybe some mushrooms?"

You let your head fall back against the pillow, a foggy haze settling over you, "Plain cheese, no mushrooms."

"Alright, sounds good. Why don't I go call it in and pull the car around? Meet you out front?" He leans closer, a quick peck to your cheek before pulling his hand loose from yours and turning to leave.

"Hey, wait," You attempt to tug at his wrist, but fail, your brain still set to slow-motion. He takes pity on you and returns to your side, "Let's eat there. It's in the mall so we can window shop after we eat."

"You sure? You still seem a bit tipsy, honey."

You don't feel tipsy. Just tired, and hungry. Very hungry. As if on cue, your stomach makes a remarkably loud noise; an objection at not being fed for the past 12 hours.

"Alright, alright, calm down. " You let out an embarrassed groan when you realize he's talking to your stomach, "We'll eat there."

He kisses you again, closer to your mouth, "Missed."

"I did, huh?" He chuckles, close enough to your face now your noses are almost touching, "Let's try again."

This time his lips meet yours and you know he missed on purpose the first time by how amused he looks when he pulls away.

"One more for luck?" You can't resist letting the back of your hand wander over his face, before resting the palm of your hand against his cheek.

"I think I can handle that," He smiles before landing another quick peck to your lips, "Be good for the nurse while I'm gone. I'll have the getaway car ready in 10, yeah?"

//

You're certain Harry would have fed you if you would have let him, right here in the mall food court in front of everyone. But you refuse, insisting even, on carrying your own tray to the table. He chuckles when you pull your phone out of your sweater pocket to take a picture of your food, quickly uploading it to Facebook.

He watches you closely as you take the first bite, even pulling his own phone out to sneak a photo of you when you temporarily close your eyes to appreciate the indulgence of being able to eat one of your favorite foods again; free from that anxious feeling of whether or not it would settle right with your body later. You open your eyes the very moment after he captured the image.

"Harry!"

"You just looked so happy! I couldn't help it. You know I'll never post it anyway. Snagged a few of you earlier in your little blue cap they made you wear too." He flips back through to show you. You try to snatch the phone away, but he's too quick to pull his hand back and stash his phone in his pocket.

"When??"

"After you fell asleep, right before they came to take you back."

He takes a bite from his own generous slice of pizza in front of him before gesturing to your tray, "How is it?"

"Amazing. Even better than before, if possible."

His smile is bright, loving the satisfaction of seeing you actually enjoy food again.

Your plan to walk around the mall was cut short, you could barely make it through one store without yawning. You cling to Harry most of the way back to the car, his arm securely wrapped around you to keep you steady.

You doze off on the drive home, and when your eyes flutter open you find him opening the passenger door, offering a hand to help lift you out of the car and up the stairs into the house. Your foot stumbles on the first step, failing to make contact and you almost fall back.

"Easy," He giggles, an arm thrown behind your back to catch you before encouraging softly, "Try again."

When he's confident you're stable enough on your feet, he lets go to unlock the door.

You're greeted by a bouquet of flowers, a colorful arrangement of roses and lilies from Harry's band mates. You immediately recognize Sarah's handwriting on the card and make a mental note to shoot everyone a thank you text later. You don't know if it's the medication still in your system, the exhaustion of the day, or the overwhelming amount of love that makes you teary eyed.

Harry stands behind you as you admire the flowers and the card, arms curving around to hug you, careful of the large bandage on your upper abdomen and the two smaller steri-strips on your right side.

"How did they know pink roses were my favorite?"

"They love you, peach." He rests his chin on your shoulder, "Besides, you've only mentioned growing up with a pink rose bush in your Nanna's garden about a hundred times."

"I always loved it. Still do."

Your mind travels back to your earliest memories spent there; summers when you practically lived at the small house on the hill. Helping pick tomatoes and peppers from the garden, too warm afternoons spent with a book in your lap under the shade of a peach tree, your grandfather's corny jokes and loving smile. Your Nanna's too generous portions of food contributing to the few extra curves you still carried with you to this day.

You don't even notice the tears at first. They slip down your cheeks and land on his arm. Once you realize, you try to quickly wipe them away, but Harry sees.

"Hey..c'mon, I think your high's wearing off a bit, bub. Pajamas, meds, nap. Sound good?" He turns you to face him, using the sleeve of his shirt to brush away any tears that still linger at the corner of your eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 3..why?"

"No nap. I'll never sleep tonight, and you know how grumpy I get when my sleep schedule is thrown off." Even with your declaration of not wanting a nap, you can't help but rub your eyes, a weak attempt to keep yourself awake. Any resolve Harry had to try to convince you to nap melts away. A smirk on his face, he knows you'll eventually crash later, most likely on his chest or in his arms. He's content to let you be stubborn for now.

"Okay, then. New plan. Pajamas, meds, movie. Better?"

"Better. You get everything ready and pick the movie while I change?"

"You don't wanna pick the movie?"

You wave him off, already shuffling towards the bedroom, "You're the boss today, remember?"

You take your time gathering what you need to get cozy for the rest of the day, selecting an oversized, well-worn tie dye t-shirt and leggings from your dresser. You even take a moment to dip into Harry's extensive sweatshirt collection, grabbing your favorite one. It's amazingly soft and still smells of him, a faint scent of his cologne and well..just Harry. You couldn't imagine anything more comforting.

In your pursuit to feel more lucid, you venture into the bathroom, taking a moment to wash your face. The cool water instantly refreshes you and pushes you closer to feeling like yourself again. Wanting your hair out of your face, you pluck a scrunchy from your shared collection of hair accessories. You quickly recognize that your arms still have that too heavy feeling of unconsciousness and after a few attempts to gather your curls into some sort of up-do, you give up and loop the accessory around your wrist to try again later.

Harry senses your frustration when you find him in the kitchen, two small green pill bottles sitting on the counter in front of him. He's already filled your favorite cup with ice water, and you gratefully take it and drink from it.

"What's wrong?" His brow creases with concern and you feel guilty for making him worry over something so silly.

"Nothing..just wanted my hair up out of my face but my arms wouldn't cooperate." You try to laugh it off to put him more at ease, "It's not a big deal."

You know it's only the weariness of the day still making you feel so emotional, clear-headed you would not be upset over something so small.

"Here. Let me try." He slides the scrunchy from your wrist and pulls you closer to him, moving behind you to gently work long fingers through your hair, gathering it all in a loose ponytail on top of your head before securing it around a few times with the scrunchy.

You let your shoulders drop with a deep sigh when he's done, it was such a simple thing, but it made you feel so much lighter. He spins you around to face him, a charming gleam of pride at his handiwork adorning his face, "Too tight?"

"No. Much better. Thank you, Harry. You take such good care of me always, but today..I don't know what I would've done without you. I made such a big fuss and probably made you miserable with all of my worrying." You're suddenly very aware that you are rambling, but when you catch a glimpse of his face, his smile is wide. So bright that the skin around his eyes is crinkling.

He leans towards you, lips stopping whatever words may have come next, arms wrapping around you to pull you closer in a soft, warm embrace. When he pulls away, his eyes bore right into yours, and your heart swells with more love than you could ever imagine having for one person. But he wasn't just any person. He was your person, your whole word staring back at you.

"I'm SO proud of you. You've been so strong today, always knew you had that strength in you, but seeing you take that leap of faith..doing something you knew you should despite your fear, that's all you, love. I can't take any credit for that. You've made me anything but miserable, trust me."

His face is still close enough to yours that you nudge forward, pressing your forehead to his, a silent appreciation of his affection.

"Any pain yet?" He pulls back, a thumb across your cheek, eyes still locked on yours.

"My head kind of hurts? And I still just feel kind of..drunk."

"You have always been a bit of a lightweight, babe. And a thief too, I see. S'that my sweatshirt?"

"Have not!" You swat playfully at his arm, "Maybe. Is that my hair clip in your hair?"

"Possibly." His eyes dart up to the swoop of curls on top of his head, a black plastic clip twisting it back and away from his face.

"Guess we're even then."

"S'pose we are." He tries to keep his eyes narrowed in a mock attempt of annoyance, but it quickly fades into laughter.

You decide against FaceTiming your family, hoping that hearing your voice will be enough. It seems to satisfy them at least for the rest of the day. You assure them that Harry is taking very good care of you and that everything went as smooth as could be expected.

He raises one eyebrow at you as you hang up, "As smooth as expected, huh? You aren't going to tell them the truth?"

"What's to tell? I had an infection and now it's gone. I'm fine, there's no sense in worrying them. We can give them the full story later."

He shrugs, fingers working to open one of the green pill bottles before passing one of the white pills to you, "For your headache, lovie. There's something here for nausea too if you need it. M'worried the pizza might've been too much. Maybe you should take one of these..just in case?"

"Harry, I promise I will tell you if I feel anything other than fine." Your hand runs from his shoulder down his bicep, squeezing gently, "Besides, I cannot take a whole one of those. If you think I'm a lightweight now..I'll sleep for the whole week if I take that."

He slips the bottle in his pocket, pulling you in to press a kiss to the top of your head, "We'll keep it close just in case, okay?"

"Sounds good," Your hand trails back up to his neck to work fingers through his hair, "Hey, thought we were watching a movie? What'd you pick?"

"Thought we could decide together. C'mon, let's get you comfy in bed."

"Ever the gentleman, always trying to get me in your bed."

"Hey! I am a perfect gentleman, thank you very much," He chuckles, a hand coming to rest on the small of your back, "Just thought you'd be more comfortable, you can prop up and stretch your feet out."

You let him tug you along for the second time today, thankful it's the luxury of your shared bed you get to settle into this time. He tucks you in softly, propping pillows behind your back and head.

"Comfy? Need anything else?"

"No, just need you to quit babying me so much and relax with me for a bit."

"Since when am I not allowed to baby you?"

You roll your eyes, "Never said you weren't allowed. Just want you to stop worrying so much, that's all."

"Good. Cause y'are my baby," No matter how many times you'd heard him say it before, it never failed to make you blush, "Do anything for you, y'know that, right?"

"I know," You look down at your hands, trying to slow your racing heart, "You never let me forget."

"Hey," He pokes your cheek, pulling your gaze back up to him, "I love you."

"I love you more, H."

He kisses your forehead, "Impossible. I love you most."

The reference to one of your favorite movies has you smiling at him, that dreamy feeling falling over you again, "Can we watch Tangled?"

"Sure, princess."

He sinks next to you, head propped up on your shoulder, navigating easily through Disney+ to find your requested movie.

Your eyes drift closed right about the time the lanterns are being released in the sky, a moment that normally leaves your face wet with tears, the soft vibrations of Harry humming along the perfect lullaby to push you further into your dream.

//

He wakes you later in the evening.

"Dinner's on the table if you want to join me."

"Time's it?" Your voice is still heavy with sleep.

"7. You were sleeping so deeply I didn't want to wake you, thought your body could use the extra sleep today."

"Yeah. It was nice, thank you." You stretch your arms forward, reaching for his hands to help pull you up.

"How do you feel?"

"A little sore. More sober, for sure."

Dinner is simple; a bowl of plain broth, salad, and toast. Exactly what the nurse suggested earlier. There's even a warm mug of tea waiting for you.

"With honey for my honey," He's so proud of his cheesy expression of love you cannot help but smile.

You look at him curiously when he sits next to you, the same boring meal set out for himself.

"Harry..you can eat what you want, babe. Seriously you've done enough today, more than enough to be supportive. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if you made yourself something different."

"Nah. S'fine. We're in this together, yeah?"

You raise your eyebrows at him playfully, "Did you have an organ snatched from your body today?"

"No, I didn't." He laughs, "I just meant food wise, love. It's vegetable broth, by the way, hope that's alright."

"It's perfect."

You nudge him lightly, an elbow to his side, shifting closer to ask for a kiss. He meets you the rest of the way, lips planted firmly on yours. When you don't pull away, he quickly adds another.

After dinner is done and you have another round of meds, the two of you end up in an awkward ball of cuddles on the couch. Harry flips through the channels on the tv before finding a show you both agree on.

But you're too restless, unable to find a position comfortable enough for you. You shift a few times, finally giving up and letting out a frustrated groan before tossing the blanket off the both of you and springing up and off the couch.

Harry doesn't panic, just grabs your hand before you can get too far away or lose your balance, keeping his voice low when he asks, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing hurts. I just can't get comfortable, and I don't feel right."

"What doesn't feel right, angel? Explain."

"I don't feel like myself. I don't know how to explain it. Just feel off."

He sees you're on the verge of tears and ascends from his spot on the couch, arms quickly enveloping you before placing a finger under your chin to pull your face up to look at him.

"It's probably gonna take a day or so to adjust, baby. Yes it was a minor surgery but it was a major change to your body." He's bending now to look right into your eyes, searching them,  "How can we fix it tonight, hmm? What do you need?"

Tears are free flowing, falling on the front of your t-shirt and down to the floor.

"Take your time. Breathe." A large hand smoothing warm circles firmly across your back; a balm for your restless spirit.

You pause, deep breath in before slowly letting it out, "I think I just need to move around for a bit."

"Let's go for a walk, eh? A quick one and then back to bed. Your mind needs more rest. How's that sound?" He taps your forehead softly.

"Okay, yeah." You nod your head, an approval of his plan.

"Don't worry about it, okay? Everything's gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine."

You nod again, scared your voice will break if you try to speak. He knew that those words held a lot of weight for you, he'd repeated them often throughout this whole process and to hear them now was a reminder of how safe you were. That with him, you would always be safe and loved.

Being dark outside meant you gracelessly padding through the house, up and down the hallway a few times and back to the living room. Harry stays close, encouraging you along with little claps and kisses to motivate you. When your stomach starts to feel uneasy, he urges you once again to take something for nausea. You agree to take a half a pill, knowing it'll help you sleep.

Despite the nap you had earlier and only being awake for a couple of hours, it doesn't take much convincing for you to settle back into bed.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

He's already reclined next to you, book in hand, the soft light from the lamp illuminating one side of his face. You're smushed against him, drifting between that sweet space of almost asleep and wanting to stay awake to enjoy any spare moment you get with him. His hand working through your hair helps push you towards the former of the two.

"I'm sorry to be such a burden today," Your words are slurring together but you continue on, just needing to get your thoughts out before he can stop you, "I don't deserve you and I shouldn't have overreacted so much about something so simple."

"Hey, none of that now," He lays the book on the nightstand, careful to save his place for later before pulling you closer to him, "You were not, nor have you ever been a burden to me. Just because you needed a little extra help today does not mean you aren't deserving of me or my love. You will never have to earn that. It's yours, always has been, will be as long as you decide to keep me around."

"Thank you. For all of it. I'll always want you."

"Always? Y'might change your mind someday, angel."

"I won't. Promise."

"Yeah? Me either."

A kiss laid delicately to the top of your head has your eyes dangerously close to falling shut again before another thought navigates its way through your mind and out of your mouth before you can stop it.

"H..what am I gonna do with a full week off from work?"

"Let me take care of you?"

//

And that's exactly what he does.

Mornings spent sleeping in, late breakfasts made together and afternoon walks. Evenings consisting of the two of you preparing dinner together or ordering takeout from some of the forbidden places you couldn't eat from before. Mugs of herbal tea before early bedtimes, you sweetly falling asleep to the sound of his voice reading to you most nights.

But his favorite part was that the scent of lavender was no longer cursed for you. Some nights before your surgery, when you simply could not fall asleep the pain was so unbearable, you would fill the tub with hot water and lavender scented bubbles to try to calm yourself enough to be able to drift off afterwards. It never worked, the heat always doing more harm than good. Harry would always be waiting for you, open arms and a soft towel to wrap you in.

So the smell became one you hated, memories of sleepless nights and nausea. But now you were free to use it again for what you always loved it for before it was cursed. In your body wash, lotion, even your laundry detergent; spreading the scent all over your shared space in as many ways as you could.

He even mentions it one night after dinner, when the two of you are pressed impossibly close together on the couch. His nose buried into your neck, inhaling deeply, pulling away to announce, "You smell like you again, love. Missed it so much." He burrows back in, placing kisses from your neck to your shoulder, ignoring your giggles and protests of how much it tickles.

A week later, the alarm wakes you sooner than you've become accustomed to, reminding you of your return to work. Harry's arm thrown over your waist pulls you closer as you try to leave the bed, a sleepy "Don't go." mumbled in your ear.

You do your best to peel yourself away from him, admitting silently to yourself how much harder it is for you to leave the warmth of your bed as it is for him to let you go.

//

2 years later, you have a scar you swear didn't heal right, and a man who loves you even more because of it.

[ghoulciifer]

Heey😊 Could you do a headcanon about shinsou and hawks with a partner who has ptsd, please?

hc: Shinsou and Hawks with an s/o who has ptsd.

tw: ptsd, abuse (emotional and physical), blood

tags: hurt/comfort, mental health, recovery

notes: hi anon, ty for sending in this request ❥ i sincerely hope that you are okay and doing well. please know i am by no means a therapist but i do hope these hc’s bring you comfort. be safe and don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to ❥

» i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, shinsou is a very caring and understanding human and will not hesitate to express that to someone he cares deeply for

» so when he learns his s/o has ptsd? of course he’s going to comfort you and make it very clear he’ll support you through anything.

» you two were out getting coffee one day, enjoying the cloudy weather bc you knew that meant the amount of people out and about would be scarce (cute lil’ emos)

» and while you were in line waiting to order you engaged in some idle chatter, his hand resting on your lower back, debating whose drink of choice was the best boy thinks he knows shit bc he lives off caffeine PFFF

» it was finally your turn to order but the second you made it to the counter your entire body froze

» the barista must’ve been new because you’ve never seen his face here before, and you would’ve easily avoided the place had you known because he looked identical to your abusive ex

» shinsou’s never seen that asshole before, so he gets a bit confused when he feels your body tense up and wonders why you’re not responding to the barista asking for your order

» you’re sweating bullets and all of the sudden it feels like your chest is turning in on itself, the anxiety and stress on your body making bile threaten to rise in your throat but all you can do is stand there with wide eyes fixated on anything but him

» shinsou’s quick to take the intitiative and order for the both of you before gently ushering you to the corner of the shop, sitting you down at an isolated booth and sitting in front of you to sheild you from any passerby while you try to calm down

» “Hey it’s okay, kitten, shhh... take your time, I’m right here. It’s just me and you.”

» he knows you get like this when experiencing one of your triggers, being the attentive boyfriend he is, so instead of pestering you and potentially making things worse he’s trying to deduce what the cause of your panic attack was

» all while holding your hand or rubbing your back in soothing strokes; unless physical contact isn’t the way to go for you, in which case he’ll shush your tears away and whisper words of affirmation your way at a respectful distance

» does not leave your side until you’ve recovered (even though the barista called his name 20 mins ago but you’re WAY more important)

» once he sees you’ve calmed down significantly, he’ll remind you he’s here for you and tells you you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to

» but you decide to explain to him why you just shut down all of the sudden and how you actually feel bad bc you know it’s not the barista’s fault he looks like your shitwad ex who inflicted so much trauma on you

» shinsou will definitely have to swallow the anger that follows when he hears how that asshole is still making you feel less than what you deserve BUT doesn’t let that show at all

» instead he’ll soak up every word that falls from your lips and nod intently, holding your hand and rubbing the knuckles w his thumb, putting a lil kiss there every now and then he’s so fuckin sweet

» he’ll tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad, that no one can ever really control their triggers, and that he’s so grateful you’re out of that situation and he’ll never let you experience something like that ever again

» eventually (once your breathing has regulated) you ask him about your coffees and he’s like “oh yea”

» your drinks are cold by the time he goes to get them but neither of you really care, he’s just glad you’re okay and you’re happy to be there with him

» shinsou never fails to make you feel safe when you’re around him and you’ve never felt so loved <3

» bird brain is also a very kind and considerate boyfriend, i refuse to believe he’s this suave womanizer like i’ve seen some people portray (which is ok !! just not what i see tbh)

» i also believe that he knows a thing or two about ptsd so he’ll 100% understand what you’re dealing with and how to handle it

» in that case you two would help each other through your triggers when they occur (just supportive couple tings, uwu)

» so it’s no surprise he’s dropping everything to run to you when you call him, completely panicked at home while he’s at work

» you were cutting up some fruits and veggies for yours and hawks’ bento boxes for the week, you liked doing so on your day off so you wouldn’t have to worry about it when you got busy

» unfortunately your winged boyfriend couldn’t be there to annoy you help like he usually does because he ended up needing to finish some extra paperwork at the agency

» so you were in the kitchen by yourself, jammin’ out to your favorite songs, hips swaying as you carefully cut up your produce

» however after a particularly good song blasted through the speakers, you started loosening up and weren’t being as careful anymore

» the blade of the knife nicked the tip of your finger and you immediately dropped its handle, clutching your hand with a hiss

» initially you were just focused on finding something to stop the bleeding and found a stray kitchen towel to do the job, but something about the scene before you seemed much too familiar...

» memories of fights with your abusive ex flooded your mind as you watched the towel stain crimson, taking you back to the numerous times you had to do this very action when he took his anger out on you by flinging whatever object he had on his person at your shaking frame

» suddenly the room began to spin and it felt as if your chest was caving in on itself as you held onto your wrist, fingernails leaving indents at the skin

» your body moved for the phone on instinct texting hawks with only one word, it was all you could muster with your hands shaking and tears clouding your vision

» the minute he saw the word “panic” flash across his screen? best believe he was reaching for the first exit to fly home at mach fuckin’ 20

» luckily the agency was fairly close to the apt. so it took him less than 5 minutes to be by your side, opting to land on the balcony instead of going through the main building

» “Y/N? Everything okay??”

» he frantically searched the house before finding you curled up on the kitchen floor and clutching to a bloody towel against the cabinetry

» he caught a glimpse of the fruit on the cutting board and quickly determined what happened before kneeling beside you to pull you into his lap, stroking your hair for a moment before prying your wrist away from your chest to inspect the damage

» “Shhh, dove, it’s okay, I’m here... I’m just gonna take a look, okay? We gotta stop the bleeding, I’ve got you, sweet (girl/boy).”

» your tear stained, puffy, red face makes his heart ache but he waits for you to nod before removing the towel

» gives you a kiss to the temple after determining you do in fact need to be bandaged up and scoops you off of the floor, holding you close to his chest

» he’ll take you to the bathroom and get you fixed up before pulling your head to his chest, arms wrapped around you and hands rubbing your back as you come down from your panicked state

» you don’t even have to explain anything to him bc he just knows, he’s well aware of the stories you told him of past relationships and how you got those scars on your body.

» also becomes furious every time but will not let it show, all he cares about is keeping you grounded as you listen to his heartbeat against your cheek

» you murmur a soft “thank you” to him once the tears cease and he simply hums in response, reminding you no thanks is necessary because he does this out of his deep love for you.

» “You’ll never have to feel unsafe again, dove, I’ll always come to you... I’ll always be right here.”

[usertoxicyaoi]

The reaction was really interesting. I agreed with a lot of Bright’s point and it was nice to see a different perspective. I really wish they had showed it in the show. You can tell Bright is really attached to Sarawat and it hurts his heart to see the pain. It also showed me that the finale could have been loads better with a few cute scenes and a proper discussion. This is what Bright was talking about. At the end of the day it was the lack of communication.

Ahh I loved that reaction video and I loved seeing Bright talking about Sarawat’s point of view. I’m sure one of the reasons they bought him was the amount of shit he was getting from some people. This however also showed me what the show lacked. Though I loved 2gether.. most of the time we saw things were Tine’s perspective. It would have really been good to see it from Sarawat’s perspective in the last episode. You can also see Bright’s frustration at times with how they portrayed Sarawat.

I assume you watching the reaction video atm! Let me say this boy gives me heart attacks like how thoughtful he is and wants to explain sarawat’s every move since episode 12 and why he acted the way he acted. I felt like he kept it inside for so long that it needed to be spoken out like when he wanted to see a reaction from P’Jennie how he looked away and then right back at her. He was so stressed and on the edge the whole time! How he repeatedly said he’s sorry for Sarawat cause he knows that everyone was sorry for Tine but didn’t get to see/understand his side of version. He also zoned out in a couple of scenes like this boy has sooo many emotions and it feels it’s too overwhelming for him(I feel that at least). I’m so grateful that Bright exists and talk about loving a man and to feel love so freely!! He could’ve said so much in the end but instead it was more like an apology for hurting Tine and how his character works. He understands Sarawat so much. I’ll cry. I didn’t thought my opinion would be that long... he’s speaking so enthusiastically about Sarawat and what his character taught him. This boy is really a blessing for the 2gether + lgbt+ community I love him he’s a child like a babie :((

Bright just wants to smooch his co-star but the universe won’t let him.

hiii anons!!! i’m gonna combine all of your asks into one bc we’re all essentially talking about the same thing.

yeah. so. the ep 13 reaction video. lets talk about it.

firstly, i ... it will never cease to astound me just how much bright loves sarawat? he knows him with every fibre of himself. he knows sarawat right down to the tendon and bone of him. like. bright’s taken so much time out to character study sarawat, get into his psyche and mind and heart. and. i hate novel! sarawat, but, bright’s taken that character, and made it his own, completely transforming him. and that takes so much understanding and commitment and passion. truly, we don’t deserve bright. we really don’t. and i am so thankful we got bright to play sarawat. no body else could have done sarawat better than bright. so much so that like .... they both overlap, bright and sarawat. sometimes its hard to distinguish where sarawat ends and bright begins.

and like some of yall said, i think it was a very clever ... move (?) ... to star bright to react to ep 13, solo, without win. bc, like yall mentioned, and like im gonna dwell on now: 2gether was entirely from tine’s perspective. it reminds me a bit of skam, in that way, that ... ya know even tho i’ve watched skam and i should KNOW this, but i still forget just how POWERFUL perspectives are. and how much they influence your way of thinking. i touched upon this after ep 12, but now after watching bright react to the whole of ep 13, like, it comes back to that. we saw everything through tine’s eyes. and so, it felt like, sarawat’s side needed to be justified. but it could never be done on the show bc the show was about tine’s perspective. and the only way it could have been done, is if they both would have talked.

which brings me onto my next point, that bright mentions - the biggest barrier and fault was they both don’t know how to talk. i touched upon this just yday actually, how sarawat is someone who doesn’t know how to talk, he’s more of a do-er (like bright said), whereas tine is someone who overthinks himself to the point of sickness and anxiety and so he doesn’t know how to voice that out, and like bright said, tine is someone who is EXTREMELY obedient - if someone says something to him to do, tine will go along and do that and won’t say no to them. which means that tine himself has had very little experience of going with his gut and how he feels, and when he comes face to face in a situation like that, it becomes Very overwhelming for him.

so, it was really clever to have bright on, solo, to explain everything from his and sarawat’s perspective. especially the bit where bright was like “everytime someone flirted with tine, wat never once questioned his trust for tine or their love, he would go directly to the person in question and deal with them.” and ... ya know, that’s more easier for sarawat to do, than it is for tine, who isn’t like that at all - like bright said, tine is the more obedient one who just follows along everybody else’s suggestions and has never really used his agency to decision make for himself.

and so ... yeaah. like. people sent a LOT of verbal abuse to bright after ep 12. and bright even said he knew it would happen, bc the entire series is from tine’s perspective, he understood that from well before. so he says he was prepared, but he still didn’t come on social media that often bc he got so much verbal abuse over it. 

and like, i’ve said before, just like how jennie and go said in the reaction video, that we should have got less flashbacks in the finale, and instead, we could have had a more sweeter scene. that could have been and should have been a proper, open and honest conversation between tine and sarawat, or, as bright suggested, a kiss. so, ya know, as some people were saying that maybe bright was just uncomfortable about kissng win??? no. no he wouldnt be AT ALL. it just ... never occured in the script. but yeah. i think .......... it really did get to bright - that sarawat never on the show got a chance to explain. 

which honestly makes me feel like thats why half the time he would improvise as sarawat? and add in things he KNOWS sarawat would/should do bc he KNOWS the depths of his love for tine so he used those moments so smartly to show that (a sign of v v v good acting!!!). like a marriage proposal, or putting tine’s hand over his shoulder, or adding in cheek kisses. like. bright’s really gone over and beyond for sarawat and tried to show just how intensely in love wat is with tine, with the little space and room for manoeuvre that he got granted.

idk if the some of scripts were written in a rush? i mean, 2gether was the FIRST show from gmmtv to air in 2020 - if i’m correct???? - so, between november to february, the had to get everything shooted and done, but they MUST have started script writing earlier than that. idk ... 

personally, i do wish we did get some more of the novel scenes in the show. like, sarawat and tine coming out to sarawat’s dad was SUCH a BEAUTIFUL scene in the novel but we never got it on the show. why? bc it was from sarawat’s perspective, not tine’s. another really nice scene, is the cinema scene where they held hands, but on the show we got a different version of it, where instead, they talked about a happy or tragic ending before tine decides to accept being wat’s boyfriend and they hug (i like that scene though, purely bc we got to see win’s crying which was !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING! and the hug was SUPER sweet!). 

but yeah, it .... idk. seeing bright in that reaction video in some moments Hurt. bc .... there was so much he wanted to say but he kept it in. and he’d just glance and sigh and look down or away bc he GETS sarawat in a way i think nobody else does. and so ..... had the show had more time, or was able to cut out some scenes and replace them with other and rewrite bits, we could have gotten sarawat’s perspective, and not had the show completely butcher sarawat’s image in ep 12 the way they did, only for them to then have less than one episode, a finale no less, to save his face again, whilst also tying up every other plot at the same time. 

like, bright has SO MUCH to offer as sarawat. and bright says he doesnt know about a season 2 (yet), but, ya know, if we ever got to see tine and sarawat again, i kinda wish they allow bright more freedom - bc he understands his character a lot more better than the writers do, i feel. he gets sarawat on soul deep level. so i just wish they’d give bright more freedom to be sarawat. and i have no doubt that, if that had been the case, we would have gotten a LOT more physical intimacy between tine and sarawat. i’m not mad about the lack of it, but, i’m assuming that bright would have really made sarawat be a lot more physical with tine. but at the same time, i agree with bright when he said that tine and wat are people who show their affections to one another in private - which is why i am SO ...... upset that we never got to see tine and wat ALONE in the one year later scene, bc, like i said, they WOULD have been a LOT LOT LOT more intimate then. but they weren’t alone. so they weren’t intimate. which. yeah. 

but at the same time, ya know, bright’s so .... like. he gets where the hurt for tine stems from. just like how he gets sarawat’s character, he gets tine’s too. but like he said, he’s lived and breathed wat since day one - and so, i think he just really wanted a chance to explain everything from sarawat’s point of view. he really didn’t need to apologise at all, and yet he did, on behalf of wat hurting tine. 

so whilst i know its just said that oh ya know bright should just write the whole of s2, i kinda wish, if we were to get one, that they writers would sit down and LISTEN to bright and win and take some input of theirs in, since, they’re the ones who KNOW their characters and play them. 

but yeah, bright’s mind. his intellect. his knowing of sarawat ............. it will never cease to amaze to me just how dedicated he was at an emotional and psychological level to play sarawat.

[annhellsing]

Crucible

notes: a3! has still got my life by the heart so have some heavy-handed smut for my favourite yakuza boss bc he deserves all the love. rating: explicit, this shit is p*rny as hell pairing: sakyo furuichi / reader word count: 2,717

And nothing in the world could steal the hook of his invincible smile. It’s quite a sight, watching Sakyo’s pride bloom as pretty as springtime-- even as October rolls through the city and brings its chill.

He did well on stage. He moved like a little boy who’d been waiting twenty years to get his chance. Better late than never.

He was so handsome, still is handsome with the sharp brim of his fedora casting a shadow over his eyes. And his pressed overcoat hangs from his shoulders but never falls. It’s too perfect to be casual, he’s too perfect.

But all Sakyo allows himself is that smile. Then, he tucks himself up in his room. He’s gone before you even have time to open your mouth, to speak every word you’ve ever tried to hide from him. 

Congratulations. You made it. You belong here. You’re loved.

The door closes with a quiet creak. It’s not enough to keep you out, though you doubt he was purposefully trying to. Instead you suppose he might be trying to keep himself in. To process in small sections the euphoria that is so clearly undeserved.

Bullshit. Nonsense. You try the handle and it swivels under your palm. You push your way inside.

“Sakoda, if I have to explain again the importance of knocking--” his voice sounds like a stone sinking. And there is no smile when he turns. 

His hat is still on his head, yes, but his coat has already been cast aside. Sakyo’s suit jacket is unbuttoned, his hand tugging on the tie knotted at his throat. He’s already set aside that brief moment of pride, trying to worm his way out of the uncomfortable feeling.

When he’s back in his day clothes, he convinces himself, reality won’t seem so harsh.

But he’s stopped in his tracks when he sees who’s standing at the other end of the room. You close the door quickly behind you to preserve a bit of his modesty. Rowdy teenage boys don’t need more ammunition than they already have.

“I didn’t knock for a reason,” you tell him. “I was hoping--”

“I’m getting ready for the wrap party,” he replies. He’s brusque, off-puttingly so. You’ve heard Sakyo angry before, but this is another beast entirely. There is a quiet plea in his voice when he continues, “So, do you mind?”

“I do,” you say. You step forward.

He knows how to tell you to leave, his tongue even fits around the syllables. But he can’t bring himself to say it, to drive another wedge between him and you.

“I wanted to tell you how amazing you were,” you say, “in private.”

“Thank you,” he nods. And the tops of his shoes must be suddenly very interesting to him. He finds it hard to meet your sincere gaze.

And to confront the look in your eye that says you want to do more than just tell him something.

You take another step and he’s filled with almighty fear. That’s love, he knows it too well. Nothing in the world makes one want to stay put, or to run as fast as one can. One extra step is all it takes to make his poor heart race.

He lifts his head, meets your stare and quiet grin. You’re happy for him, for his pride that he’s suffocated prematurely.

“You were smiling after the curtain call,” you tell him like it wasn’t his mouth it curled on. You have a way of holding yourself, a looseness that he can’t inhabit. No one’s been anything other than afraid of him for so long. But you walk to him like a lover.

Like he’s a husband you’ve come home to.

His office chair holds his coat. It’s poised right behind him, almost like it’s waiting. Your eyes flit to it and the plan you hadn’t planned starts to solidify in your mind. You draw yourself close to him, chest to chest in a way he’s partially familiar with. You and him have been friendly. But he thought that it was only ever for the sake of stress relief.

The two of you are the opposite of anxious, or at least you should be. Him, on the other hand-- it’s a different story.

“Come,” you tell him, “be proud, you did so well.”

“I--” he clears his throat, glancing over your shoulder at the closed but unlocked door.

He can’t help but flinch when you raise your hand. You, who holds so much power over him, is the only person Sakyo can think of who he’d allow to bring the pain. But you rest your palm on his cheek, your thumb brushing gently over the mole under his eye.

You’ve done that before and it’s only ever elicited surface level annoyance. A reminder that while you indulge certain desires with him, he will never be truly yours. This time it’s different, it feels different and he gives up a soft sigh. There’s a slight tremor in his shoulders.

“Smile, darling,” you say, your voice is soft and he knows the tone well. You’re trying to be enticing and goodness, it’s working. “Smile for me, you look beautiful when you do.”

His face stays stony, but your expression hardly shifts at all. Ah well, you didn’t expect a miracle.

Your hand moves from his cheek to his jaw, tracing that sharp line until goosebumps bloom on his skin. His neck is explored next, the neat column artfully lined and a little bit tense under your hand.

“Relax, Sakyo,” you say, “I won’t hurt you.”

And the admission is so honest, so truthful that he can’t help but believe it. He loosens up, almost taken by surprise. You acknowledge that he has cause to worry, to believe himself in danger when his vulnerable parts are laid bare. You don’t shame him for that.

Your fingers touch the collar of his shirt, pulling the fabric aside very gently. Under it, you find the red lip print you left before the start of the show. You made him weak in the knees when you claimed it was for good luck. Evidently, it worked.

He wants another for a job well done. Sakyo’s glad to have the chair behind him, just in case.

“You look sexy in this,” you mutter, your voice sounds heavy and sweet this close. You take the knot of his tie in your hand, it’s loosened enough to be no danger when you pull it taught. Sakyo grunts and leans with the tug. “Of course, you’d look sexier out of it.”

“But--” he starts, amazed that he can force out words with your lips now so close to his. It’s everything in him to swallow a soft whimper. 

“I know, cast party. I suppose you won’t have time to change,” you say. You sound genuinely disappointed, which throws him for a loop. You’ve already made up your mind about what you plan to do to him, it seems. 

And though Sakyo knows very well that he could stop such talk with a word, he does not.

“I won’t?” he asks, delighted by the light in your eyes and yet deeply embarrassed by the desperation that clings to the inside of his throat. What could you be thinking about?

“No. Sit down,” you are so effortlessly beautiful, pressed up against him without any shame.

You lift your hand and take his sharp fedora. Pulling back, you set the hat on your head. Sakyo stares, a little in a daze that this could be happening for his own benefit. His couplings with you often feel like he is merely the lucky recipient of your general attention.

He never dared to think that your lust could be specific.

“But first, kiss me,” you sigh, you lean in close enough to tempt. “Claim your reward.”

Sakyo blinks, embarrassed to note that the offer of a kiss is what makes his cheeks flush. But with only a small amount of hesitation, he meets you halfway and presses his thin lips to yours. His fingers, delicate and long, tilt your chin very slightly upward.

“You wanted me to sit?” he asks for clarification when he breaks the kiss. It was a good kiss, he thinks, and he’ll be missing your soft mouth for some time. The haze in his eyes tells you he really does need confirmation again. He’s been rattled, how sweet.

“That’s right, be good for me and have a seat. If you won’t allow yourself to be, then let me show you how proud I am,” your hands at his shoulders help to guide him.

He does as you say, sitting heavily in his office chair. It’s nice, he thinks, to be the man at your side. You’re so very much like he remembers, but so much smarter now. So much more real and alive. You make jokes to ease his tension, you coax him into self-softness. And it feels so good.

But you don’t do as he expects. Far from it. Where you would usually straddle him, take him internally until his begging led you to have mercy on him-- this time, you sink to your knees.

Sakyo swallows hard. He knows how this will end.

You kiss him through his trousers, no time to wait or be shy. His legs were already spread, almost in anticipation of your prompt arrival. He’s been hard since you first put your hand to his cheek and he is not proud, but his cock gives a heady throb when you press your nose against his crotch.

“Aren’t we excited?” you tease him just to see if you can bring back some of that joy. It works a little, he exhales hard and white-knuckles the armrests.

“I thought we were short on time,” he comments and you lift an eyebrow. He can’t see you from under the brim of his hat, the uncertainty is unnerving. But when he presses his luck with clipped statements, it makes you press back.

“You’re lucky I already decided to reward you,” the authority in your voice is unexpected, but it does the trick. Sakyo huffs at the sudden, downward rush that grips between his legs. He grunts a little louder when you put your palm there, as if you could tell exactly where you were needed.

“Please,” his voice sounds breathy and soft, a warm sigh that has him slouching in the chair. His legs close just a bit around your hand.

“Please what?” you ask, “You were so good at remembering your lines on stage. What do we say?”

“Please, ma’am,” he grunts again, shifting his hips forward very slightly. “I-- I’ve earned it.”

“Yes, you have,” you smile, “very good.”

He’s too tired to argue, pushed to his limits by the demands of rehearsal and waning euphoria of being on stage. But Sakyo can’t help but think that this kind of appreciation outclasses any he received from tonight’s audience. 

His eyes close as you undo his belt, tugging his shirt from his trousers and pressing your fingers against the soft skin of his stomach. You kiss him there, slow and reverent. He gives a shaky sigh.

His fly is undone, you appear to be growing impatient. If he had the mind or energy to, he would tease you about it until you made him behave. He likes that best of all.

But you seem resigned to praising him. Sakyo presses his feet down on the floor, thrusting minutely against your exploring hands and mouth.

Sakyo keeps his own hands to himself, if only so you can have your fun with no interference. He barely knows what he likes, you have more of an understanding of his body than he surely does. He feels your tongue against his pelvic bone and stifles another embarrassing sound.

You don’t give him trouble for that, at least. When you’re alone with him, properly alone and away from the theatre you revel in every noise that he makes. But here, with friends so close at hand-- he’s under no obligation to please you.

Despite the time crunch, you take a moment to appreciate his cock when you gingerly take it from his trouser. He’s never considered it to be anything special, truth be told he’s never considered it at all, but you never fail to look a bit impressed. And a bit hungry.

That thought makes him jump and throb in your small hand. And when you put your tongue to the blunt head, Sakyo can’t quiet his sharp inhale.

You put your hand on his thigh, pushing and holding his leg open and giving you enough room to move. The bed of your tongue presses flat to veins and hot skin. He feels coiled like a spring, wound tight. Your mouth is so warm, so soft and he barely has time to anticipate how it will feel.

You’re on him, bobbing your head to a punishing rhythm. You’ll take no prisoners this evening, you aim to ease that feeling of intense compression in his lower abdomen. Sakyo is grateful, so grateful that the only thing he can say is your name. It’s mangled with satisfaction and desperation, but you still find it sweet.

His eyes are sky-wide. They are two violet stones when you close your mouth around him and give a gentle hum. You press him to the back of your throat, breathing carefully and doing only what you’re comfortable with.

That had to be explained to him the last time, that you would do nothing to him that you didn’t want. He stays quiet now, not wanting to distract. Instead, he wants to trust you.

Sakyo’s quiet, he always is. But this is a pensieve sort of quiet, even as he drifts from thought to painful thought. He wants this forever, not this act in specific but all of them. Everything, as long as he’s yours. 

It’s a beautiful thing to have the lion’s share of your attention. He feels giddy in a quick-lived rush of emotion, bucking his hips in an unprecedented attempt to chase that feeling.

You sputter, but look unoffended. Even as he tries to apologize, you brush off his hands.

“I’m fine,” you say, replacing your mouth with your loose fist for the time it takes to reassure him. “That means it feels good, yes?”

“Yes,” he sighs, “it does.”

“Okay, then it’s fine,” and you begin again with a new vigour. 

It doesn’t feel fine, it feels selfish. And Sakyo isn’t certain when his selfishness was something that became unforgivable.

He doesn’t last long after that. Holding your gaze, even with his fedora obscuring your eyes while you take care of him is a big ask. To his credit, he tries very hard to get your attention. To inform you in advance.

But you just smile, you stay where you are. You heard him, of course, you heard his stumbling attempts to tell you he was going to come. Trying to do so without embarrassment was an exercise in his own misery and he slumps back in his chair with a grunt of your name when he finishes.

His hand leaves the armrest for the first time since starting, he touches your shoulder and squeezes affectionately. Sakyo feels that sudden surge of euphoria again as he finishes, and you keep him in your mouth. Like last time, you swallow and his stomach drops.

“Thank you,” he gasps before he has time to stop himself. You make a show out of licking your lips, rising from your knees enough to grab him by his tie.

He’s kissed again, with more force and tenderness than he expects. Your lips taste like salt and his cheeks flush the colour of bricks.

“Any time,” you reply, “let’s get you presentable again. We have a wrap party to attend.”

It takes a while for his legs to feel steady again. It isn’t until his shirt is tucked in and his overcoat again hangs off his shoulders that he feels confident enough to go anywhere with you. 

You’re fine. You pop right up and take his hand. It’s a beautiful thing to be the man at your side, not just the one in your bed. Even if it’s just this once.

[lladyariall]

So, I just realized a TON in this one flashback.

[Sit down, y'all. This is going to be a bumpy ride ;D before I begin please know this is just my silly opinion in just how I see certain characters. Please enjoy the blog!]

He's mentioned his mom twice, he's shared about his step brother, and Mao Mao brought up his dad in only one episode. Yet, he has mentioned that his mom "says things she would not say" to which I say that he is hinting that he has an abusive past like Mao Mao might have had, but probably worse. Personally, I think poor Badgerclops had a very psychologically abusive mom. He speaks highly about his dad that one time while his mom was.. was really low-key tension going on in the air, if you guys have noticed that. He seems really small in the voice, and he even goes out to try to bring her up in public television. Was he trying to reach out a message to her during "Head Chef" when he was being challenged by Mao Mao?

I think I know why Badgerclops can't take personal critism. He's practically bullied all the time; is the rock to Mao Mao's unstable emotions/heroic thirst for adventure; he's constantly being told he's lazy; fat; and other things.. but to be honest, he IS suffering from all these things that he does try to hint and bring up every once a in a great while that we never get to really hear him out for.

So.. if you all have moms (not trying to offend anybody who may or may not) there is nothing more hurtful than hearing your own mom tell you things about yourself you don't want to hear. I mean, like actual mean things that pertain to feeling absolutely sick to your heart and knowing she shouldn't be saying such mean things to you. I think with the fact that BC has had an eyepatch ever since he was really young changes a lot of things when he was growing up. It seems like no one stood up for him enough either, while Gerald seemed to always win the upper hand to trick an innocent little toddler out of his money. He probably felt like his brother was taking advantage of the fact that he had one eye and no mechanic arm then, so.. poor little guy was probably beat up a lot too.

But here's where it gets darker.

Maybe his mom is responsible for his missing eye, you know? Maybe she's an ex villian, or Badgerclops' family is a gang of badger villains that tried to raise BC their way and it may have resulted in losing his eyeball to gain an eyepatch. He was seriously Adorabat's age when he lost his eye (wait.. are all parents just TERRIBLE in this universe?!) and that type of young mind can be damaged super easily, especially if one flaw about your physical appearance makes everyone judge and become cruel to you; or for instance, someone like our awesome badger here.

Now, let's say it wasn't his mom and Badgerclops just was always ridiculed everywhere he went. Sure he had his reasons to start traveling (probably to get away from his family) alone. He met up with a cyborg gang later which he clearly was probably in tears when he joined, but he couldn't be himself. Not ever in his life could he show his true self til he met Mao Mao, and that's explains why he's so protective of him.

Yet, even Mao Mao and Badgerclops' bond can't tame the larger mammal's inner triggers and insecurities about his whole demeanor when someone speaks out their opinion. If one person said that that awesome hairdo was 'terrible looking' to Badgerclops then I'm pretty damn sure he freaked out, since he didn't wear an eyepatch, AT ALL, and assumed the villagers saw behind his haircut.

Because he clutched his 'missing' eye in sadness.. Mao Mao's flashback, you guys, has a big picture on Badgerclops' mental health just in this few seconds of this screen time.

Mao Mao truly noticed his friend's emotions and decided to just ignore them more than anything 'cause then and now, it seemed like Mao Mao was afraid BC would blow up, and destroy (*cough* murder) every place else in their travels to the point of having to kill him. We're all aware that Mao Mao would probably never have the heart to destroy his closest friend and family he's ever had so he just kept up with his cold distance up til they started to get closer and closer as friends. Mao Mao eventually saw Badgerclops as a big gentle guy but he knows the flaws that he dare not touches.

Mao Mao even showed us how he SAW Badgerclops when he exploded. That's guy eyes changed! Both of them turned blue! That's not normal for Badgerclops! His eyes are blue for a reason in this flashback that either Mao Mao knows and he isn't telling Adorabat, or he's doesn't think about it. The guy murdered a whole village over a hairdo.. wow, um, I'm pretty darn sure Mao is afraid, y'all.

So that can only mean one thing: Badgerclops' biggest flaw is trying to impress people over his personality before they decide to judge him by his looks. That's probably why when the Sweetie Pies first hugged him, he was ecstatic as heck to get more love and physical attention since he doesn't get that much from Mao Mao.

I'm sorry to say that Mao Mao doesn't even know the half of how much pain that has caused his friend to behave in a violent way, once hearing personal critism. Usually, people who are bullied a lot growing up have side effects of deep insecurities that they normally dig up and hide away for a big amount of time; BUT, once they are able to, they will unleash a mountain full of emotions that are unpredictable. I'm not saying everyone gets mad when they hear critism due to bullying. I just think that's BCs' case here.

His brother bullied him, his mom more than likely taunted and created a self conscious bubble for BC, and Mao Mao's neglect isn't helpful either. The fact that we see a new side of Badgerclops being super violent and has a large closet full of sad secrets is pretty sad and mind blowing to watch in this episode. But my favorite part is how much harder Mao Mao tries to show a different side to his relationship with Badgerclops and give him a chance to do as less damage as possible on his man's feelings. I think this one is an episode where we get to see an improvement from episode one and it truly shows.

But I still think Mao Mao was mainly afraid in this episode, which now we can't blame him for. In 'Ultraclops,' Mao Mao ignores Badgerclops' requests and venting to a point throughout their adventures we see. Badgerclops is a helpless little kid inside who just wants to be accepted and not picked at by the ones he encounters. That saying, especially his friends. Mao Mao may be improving but he has a lot more to work on with Badgerclops emotionally and mentally if they are ever going to truly figure out how to heal the wounds; instead of making more of them. I hope they work this out together.

Now I have only one theory about the blue eye colors and that's Badgerclops turning from bad to good. Maybe Mao Mao had such a big change in the ex-villains life that it improved his psychological help. Some people's eyes turn a little brighter once they face less stress in their lives so maybe BCs change in his eye was the one true way to prove it. But then when he gets mad and wants to murder anyone, they turn back blue to prove victory towards the bloody massacre.

That killer is what Mao Mao sees and does not want to kill. So he does ignore Badgerclops' feelings to a point where he still accepts his lover's emotions and for who he is anyway.. sometimes. But now we know how dangerous Badgerclops can be. What do you guys think? Do you think I'm right or wrong? Let me know your opinion too and hopefully I made sense today :)

[trunkzbriefs]

Any Son and/or Briefs family headcanons? Spicy hot takes? Truths Toriyama and Toyotaro themselves can not handle? Straight up lies?

GODDAMN SORRY this took a while cause i suck at putting thoughts together. i apologize for my obvious briefs bias i have more hcs for them than the son family despite loving them both :pensive: anyway heres some random stuff

briefs hcs:

all of the briefs are pros at non-verbal communication. i hc that saiyans have their own language (and also in my own Mind Canon they still have their fuckin tails) and a lot of it is done through tail movement/body posture/grunts/etc. etc so theyve all sort of picked that up. even bulma, who doesnt have a tail, is pretty good at getting across what she means without actually speaking. they still do speak normally but it comes in handy sometimes considering that both trunks and vegeta are prone to running out of speaking energy or getting very frustrated with words, so having another way to communicate works very well for them

vegeta is fffffffffffffffffffurry. without getting too deep into my own General Saiyan hcs (thats why i made a whole ass four subspecies!!) i think that the entirety of planet vegeta tended to be very hot aside from the part where the castle was, where the temperature would drop. meaning that saiyans working in the palace would grow thicker fur around certain parts of their body, and in the royal saiyans theyd be Especially fluffy. he kept it down on earth, but he has thick patches of fur around the bottom parts of his arms and legs. kind of like snowy boots and gloves! he also has fur that grows in on his neck like a lions mane.

future trunks is an actions sponge, vegeta is a words sponge. vegeta will pick up words VERY quickly regardless if he fully understands the meaning of it or not (completely inspired by 'THATS RIGHT BOYS... MONDO COOL' in z) and future trunks will unintentionally mimic the actions of people - around people he looks up to he might take a few small mannerisms from but this extends to copying the disposition of anyone; he's just very adaptive. this is the most obvious (and funniest) when he's around vegeta bc it really shows like. yeah damn that sure is vegeta's son

vegeta & bulla have an intimidating bastard smirk naturally. their natural smiles are pretty frightening and they have to put effort into a 'normal' one. this also extends to current trunks, his default smile is the Vegeta Bastard Smirk but he learned to have a normal smile quicker than his father and sister. future trunks has a slightly unnerving natural smile (the fact that his pupils are always drawn so fucking small makes me hc that he just has a very intimidating look of 'cat thats about to pounce on an unfortunate trapped mouse' whenever he smiles) but he learned to look normal even quicker than current trunks since he's around humans a Lot and is sort of their uh, Hope. don't want to look scary to the people who depend on you!

bulma has some fighting knowledge and mildly good ki control. vegeta taught her it as a just in case so that she'd be able to defend herself against Bigger threats if he wasn't there and also so she could raise her own ki to alert someone to her if she had to.

vegeta is extremely clean and can not stand to have things disorganized for more than like... an hour before he has to tidy everything up. every time he goes down to the lab and bulma is passed out in a pile of bolts and circuit boards it kills him inside just a little bit

future trunks has little concept of power control. since his timeline was always in danger it wasn't really an important thing for him to learn. the amount of mugs he's accidentally crushed is impressive

vegeta tends to not sound like he's asking questions when he is. he doesn't add the proper infliction to the end of his questions and just sounds flat most of the time. it's confusing to people who dont know him well.

im not even gonna lie, im a BIG fan of the chill demon panchy headcanon so i love the idea that the briefs have a Lil bit of demon in them but just dont know it ghjnkm

[banging my fists on the 'hcs that not even got could take away from me' table] future trunks has OCD

vegeta doesn't really get labels but he's bisexual & "debatably a man", bulma is bisexal & bigender transfem (sometimes shes Wamen and other times its like "gender? no"), bulla is a nonbinary lesbian, current trunks is a bisexual trans man & future bulma forgot to explain the concept of gender and sexuality to future trunks so he's a little confused on that front and his gender & sexuality are "i have literally never thought abt these concepts in my life but i think men are nice. i refuse to think about gender though" (i actually have two main hcs for future trunks which are either gay trans man or more-feminine-presenting nonbinary bisexual)

son hcs:

goku is Not as fluffy as vegeta at all, but he does have fur on certain parts of his body. namely on the back of his elbows + ankles, down his back connecting to his tail, and on his shoulders. its inherented from gine!

gohan is learning saiyan language from vegeta! vegeta acts grumpy about it but he's glad to have someone to teach. when gohan learned that most of the history had been lost he basically wished shenron for a big ol book on saiyan culture and gave it to vegeta just as an act of kindness and vegeta was like [in an angry voice but very touched] "Ok. Sit down. You're learning." by extension gohan is also teaching the rest of his family!

i will take ox king being actually non-human to my grave so like, chichi has horns and a very short ox tail! gohan and goten both have horns, but they're hidden by hair. goten's horns are bigger than gohans.

goten also has a more ox-like tail, with a little puff of fur at the end. generally, gohan looks more saiyan-like and goten looks more ox/human-like.

although he keeps up his cheery demeanor very well, goku is still haunted pretty badly by like... everything that’s happened in his life. he still has frequent nightmares about cell & buu specifically.

gohan will freak out at worse, zone out at best, if he's even tapped on the neck. it reminds him of the whole 'getting his neck snapped on namek' so that area is pretty off limits to everyone

goten gets along really well with android 17. they both have a love for nature and 17s kind of like his chill uncle, so whenever he gets too stressed out or just needs a break you can find him face down on the ground outside of 17's place on monster island.

goku is really really good at remembering completely random shit. bulma uses this to her advantage whenever she's working and has him memorize random technology stuff. a week later goku can not remember what he had for breakfast that morning but as soon as bulma asks "hey do you remember what i told you last week" hes like "oh yeah sure i have no idea what it means but [blurts out three hours worth of technical garble]"

oh boy is this a headcanon that has a lot more depth to it than just a bullet on a tumblr post, but gohan has DID!

goku, like vegeta, doesnt get labels either, and does not even Try, ask him about any of it and hes like "i dont get the gender thing but i think lots of people look nice :)" gohan is gay and like vegeta, "debatably a man", goten + chichi are both bi nonbinary, & pan is a lesbian trans woman.

both:

bulla and pan are both into music! i think theyd mess around making their own stuff w/ launchpads

i have a general hc of ki mixing or shielding, essentially, if youre close enough to someone people wont be able to tell apart your ki and you can also 'shield' someone with your ki for a small amount of time. if vegeta has his energy low, his and bulma's energy are the same. same thing with goku and chichi! goten and trunks are near impossible to tell apart, and same thing with gohan and videl.

though goten and trunks are both protective over their younger siblings, gotenks is that protectiveness times a thousand. look at bulla or pan wrong for 2 seconds and you're going to have an angry gotenks in your face asking if you have any last words. i like to think that trunks and goten fused casually a lot, especially around the time where bulla and pan were young, so its basically goten and trunks own attachment to them PLUS gotenks' attachment to them as his own person combined.

i like to pretend end of z did not happen the way it did so uub, using nimbus, travels back and forth a lot. goku isn’t the only one who teaches him how to fight as goten, gohan and trunks all think of him like a little brother and love training with him!

fuck you letters to toriyama/toyotaro hot takes:

cell, as cool of a villian as he is, definitely should have had a creepier final form. or multiple- just something that really drives in the fact that he's made up of other's dna & fuckin ABSORBS people. also his first two forms should have had a different absorbtion method other than the tail thing (not the drinking thing thats fine) it just feels.   Weird. not good

it would have been far more interesting to keep the bitter attitude towards vegeta that future trunks had imo... in super trunks was going through a Lot granted but the fact tht he wasnt more confrontational to vegeta being a dick to him seemed kind of off considering his attitude in z i just.. think it would be interesting and far better if they had more of a back and forth 'family but lowkey hate each other' relationship

i dont want to rant about super so heres some super condensed takes, goku black arc specific because thats 90% of what ive seen of super:

mai is a fucking freak ass weirdo, why did they not just make another character to pair with trunks

trunks not flipping the fuck out at his timeline being erased feels... out of character. also trunks deserved the win against zamasu

future bulma did NOT need to die

trunks should have just stayed in the current timeline

please fucking let trunks and goten grow up. we SAW a version of trunks who looked 14 (history of trunks....) and the versions of goten & trunks we have r/n in super do not look 13/14 respectively what in the goddamn hell is going on in the character design department

super definitely should have taken place later down the line

supers version of bulma and videl look awful. why are they That stick like.

vegeta needs to kill frieza. just once.

fu has enough potential to be a very interesting mainline character and i am so sad he's not

i would actively enjoy a sdbh anime with more  budget that isnt just a promo anime and has a plot that makes sense... i think db should have more wild spinoffs

xenoverse deserved a better story that went FULL in on the 'what if' type of timelines- like they did in raging blast which is a FUCKING GREAT GAME

straight up lies:

dragon ball z is a good series

[poisonepel]

Chemistry Between the Dorm Leaders and a Hero-Inspired S/O— (pt.1)

After that Snow White request, I had a small idea... so here are headcanons for each dorm leader with an s/o inspired by the heroes of their respective films. I had some hesitation with both Vil and Leona, since their heroes are the Evil Queen’s stepdaughter and Scar’s nephew respectively... I could get past the Snow White one bc Vil’s so different from the Evil Queen, but the Simba one weirded me out too much ;; so I substituted him for Nala. Sorry !!

Of course, this is disregarding the original characters’ ages and assuming they’re all students at Night Raven, in the same dorm as their villain. Please let me know if there’s a problem with anything though !!

Idia, Leona, and Malleus will come in a second post.

Riddle & Alice

I remember Alice as a bratty, opinionated girl who is dissatisfied with her normal life and prefers to escape to her imagination. Very stubborn, but also very sensible. Pairing these traits with Riddle’s hotheadedness and severe need to keep things under his command, I don’t think they would make a very good match. Alice constantly rolls her eyes at all of his decisions, and blatantly refuses to listen to him if she doesn’t agree with what he says.

It would be extremely difficult for these two to even tolerate each other. Alice sticks out to Riddle because she’s the only one who doesn’t fear him—but that might not be a good thing. He develops a “You will fear me, you will obey me” type mindset, to which she responds with an unimpressed, “Oh, really?”

Riddle gets so fed up with her that he marches down to Headmaster Crowley and demands that Alice be relocated to a different dorm—“She’d be great for Pomefiore, with all the other stuck-ups.” (Dire says no).

As much as she loathes Riddle though, Alice might enjoy some of his nonsensical rules. She hates boring things like order and routine, instead craving the thrill of things unique and unpredictable. Riddle is taken aback when one day she exclaims how much fun she’s having during one of his sudden events, which had annoyed and tired out everyone else. He’s not sure how to react.

He spends a long time thinking about this, and then curiosity gets the better of him; he tries to experiment to see if he can do anything else that doesn’t make her turn her nose up at him. So basically, this is his odd way of figuring out her interests - and he realizes she’s not just automatically appalled by everything he does; she’s simply very opinionated. He might even start to appreciate the fact that she’s got such a strong grip of her views and morals.

It takes much longer for Alice to fall in love with Riddle, though. She has such a great distaste for him that there’s no way she’ll even consider falling in love with him. She would have to catch him in a vulnerable state to realize there’s more to him than simply yelling at everyone all the time - maybe when he’s stressed from school, or sleeping, or witnessing him experiencing true happiness (perhaps with his friends? does he even have friends?) And then she, too, having a natural curiosity, might try to learn more about him.

Tbh, the only thing that might help bring them together is the fact that both of them are way too nosy for their own good.

Azul & Ariel

Like Alice, Ariel is very curious, stubborn, and determined, but she can be a little gullible and naive at times. She’s been sheltered her whole life and Night Raven is the first time she’s been away from home for so long. Azul, on the other hand, is very independent; he’s somewhat of an information broker, good at observing people and seeing what makes them tick - and also swindling what he wants out of them. Naive little Ariel makes a perfect target.

Azul is very gentlemanly and polite, enticing and friendly, so Ariel is immediately swayed. She pretty much falls into the honeymoon phase with him straight away, but not truly in love; she’s just excited to be socializing with a nice boy.

It’s easy for Azul to trap her in a deceptive contract with ambiguous conditions. He doesn’t have any personal interest in her initially, but Ariel responds to his betrayal with vigor and goes above and beyond in trying to void the contract. It is only here that Azul starts taking more of an interest in her, since she’s now causing problems for him and therefore in the way.

But, even he has to appreciate her fierce determination to get out of this contract. He even stops at one point to consider why he’s been trying so hard to prevent her from getting out of it; Ariel is nothing but sweet and pure, so why is he so intent on inconveniencing her? He tries to convince himself that his original mindset is the same as it was before: Ariel was unable to pay the price he had set. Perhaps under misleading terms, but it’s her fault for not reading the contract carefully enough - therefore he can’t give her any leeway until he’s collected his payment. Even so, a part of him feels regretful.

However, Ariel has developed a (rightfully) bitter attitude towards Azul, and even though he understands why, it still leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Witnessing how beautiful of a personality she has has made him rethink his whole view of her - and a part of him wishes they were on better terms.

If Azul was serious about remedying their relationship, it would take a serious amount of effort on his part to regain her trust. Ariel can be naive, but she’s not stupid; and she’s already established that Azul is not an ally. But, in the case that he is able to prove himself to her, then the same elation she had when she first met him would resurface.

For their relationship to work, Azul would need to be the one who’s most committed. He already has a personality Ariel would immediately grow infatuated with, so it really depends on him being able to truly become someone she can trust and rely on - and make sure she knows that too.

Kalim & Aladdin

These two are hopeless idiots together. They come from vastly different backgrounds: while Kalim grew up with basically everything handed to him on a silver platter, Aladdin comes from a poor family and barely scraped by in his youth. They share a common resourcefulness, though, as they both are very talented at making do with whatever situation they’ve landed in (but, Kalim always has the advantage of wealth and power).

While Aladdin might be initially turned off by Kalim’s extravagant wastefulness, he also admires it greatly; much like his canon love for Jasmine, he is struck by beauty and wealth and only dreams about what it might be like to live with such greatness. This overpowers his slight aversion for him.

It’s easy for Kalim and Aladdin to become friends. Aladdin is funny and bright, with a knack for socializing since he’s come across so many people from being in such open, unstable living conditions before. Overall, he’s just very easy to slide into conversation with and feel like you’ve known him forever. Kalim is also very extroverted, but in more of a you-will-pay-attention-to-me-now forceful kind of way. Like Jamil, Aladdin is one of the few people who doesn’t tire out from Kalim’s constant energy & semi-sheltered mindset.

Once they find out their shared extroversion is very compatible, Kamil and Aladdin talk nonstop. Aladdin is a natural storyteller, and loves sharing about all his experiences from his childhood. He had to be very independent and willing to defy authorities in order to secure his survival, while also helping all the other orphans and street rats obtain food and shelter as much as he could. Kalim finds this extremely admirable. To him, Aladdin is almost like a literal prince - he rose from nothing and now is thriving at the prestigious Night Raven College. Also, he seems to have turned out fairly normal for someone who suffered so many hardships as a child.

But evidently, the closer the get, the more Kalim realizes Aladdin is not as normal as he makes himself out to be. His traumas from his youth have and are still affecting him, and once Kalim sees this different, more somber side of Aladdin, he becomes desperate to help him any way he can. He first takes him on a “date.” This isn’t meant to be romantic, just a nice all-expenses-paid trip to give Aladdin something nice.

Jamil is surprised because this is the first time Kalim has ever thought about anyone other than himself. But then, once the “dates” keep happening, Jamil realizes there’s more between them than just Kalim “being nice.” Things might escalate between them both, and while the final trigger for Aladdin was Kalim’s little acts of kindness, there had been something clear between them since the beginning.

Vil & Snow White

This sort of piggybacks off the headcanons I wrote here.

Snow White is sweet and pure of heart, a girl who doesn’t fully realize when someone might be taking advantage of her. She is gentle and sweet when she talks to you, but also doesn’t mind keeping to herself for long periods of time. On the other hand, Vil is vain and proud, constantly needs attention, and keeps his own appearance as his top priority. He always makes sure his connections are up to his own beauty standards too, and if Snow White enters his social circle, this includes her. Fortunately, there’s not much for him to do, because she is already extremely beautiful.

Vil takes interest in her because of her beauty. He feels a bit threatened by it in the beginning, but every time he talks to her, she always, always acts like the nicest, most genuine human being he’d ever met. He gets a little frustrated because he wants to hate her for being so much more beautiful than him, but she’s so ridiculously precious.

Snow White doesn’t mind Vil much. Like with everyone, it’s basically impossible for her to view him in a bad light, and she respects him as Pomefiore’s dorm leader. That being said, he’s not a major interest for her - she has a very tight-knit circle of 3 or 4 girl friends who she spends most of her time with.

Their interactions are usually initiated by Vil. Half the time, it’s because he can’t understand how she’s so nice all the time, so he tries to draw out a negative reaction from her.

But with enough time spent together, the opposite effect happens. Snow White develops a small crush on him. She starts getting flustered whenever he talks to her, and even more fidgety and precious - and even more, starts picking up his little mannerisms and habits. She sometimes points out whenever she notices something’s changed in his appearance.

Then, it’s Vil’s turn to feel flustered. She noticed. She notices whenever he does his hair differently, or when he paints his nails a new color, or when he wears a new arrangement of jewelry. He’s taken aback when his own heart starts fluttering whenever he’s around her, and soon he drops his mission to find fault with her and refocuses his attention on trying to avoid her. He has no time for falling in love.

But now Snow White is the one nervously trying to get his attention. And he's fallen so head over heels for her, he can’t not interact with her - and would feel too bad if he was mean to her. For a while, there’s a lot of tension between them, and Vil feels hideously awkward. He hates it. So he tries to finally confess, as slyly as he can.

Snow White isn’t very good at reading between the lines, but Vil isn’t very good at being subtle when he’s struck by so much emotion - so their feelings for each other come to light very quickly. There isn’t much verbal communication between them when they “confess,” though - Snow is too shy and Vil can’t admit anything unless he’s not being serious. But, if they do establish that they love each other, their relationship would be stable and warm from both parties.

[naturesgender]

hey folks this is gonna be a really really long post, i just kinda gotta write some stuff down, idk if anyone is gonna see this but if you do i’m gonna try to do the thing where there’s a cut and you can press “keep reading” if you wanna see the whole thing but idk how to do that so if it doesn’t work i’m sorry in advance!

*i think i figured it out, it should work! just put it there so u wouldn’t have to scroll past the whole thing if u didn’t wanna read it cause it’s rlly fuckin long lmao i love u all <3*

ok so

i am not Clinically Depressed i don’t live w/depression i don’t struggle with it on a daily basis i am generally a pretty Not-Depressed person

however

i am doing my best to get better at not ignoring the times when i *do* feel depressed because “i don’t actually suffer from clinical depression so this isn’t even that bad!” or “a lot of my friends feel like this on a daily fuckin basis and that’s really awful for them so i should always prioritize their feelings over mine all the time” or “these are stupid reasons to be depressed anyway” or “even though it’s really really hard for me to get out of bed right now there are people who sometimes Cannot get out of bed and i am not one of those people so it’s all good lol” or any of that shit cause (news flash) i am not the greatest at taking good emotional care of myself, and although i have gotten better at letting others take care of me, i still have lots of problems feeling comfy doing that if they’re not also letting me take care of them (which is a whole other issue that i’m not gonna get into rn)

so with all that in mind i just kind of wanted to get it down in writing and like Acknowledge the fact that during this past semester, mostly during the past month, i have been the most generally depressed i’ve been for a long time, maybe ever. i was definitely depressed in freshman year and was having some pretty Not Spicy Thoughts (nothing *super* serious dw) and that definitely wasn’t fun, but that was like a different brand of depression. back then the main reason i was depressed was bc i had no friends (or at least none i felt i could really be close with) and i was struggling to make the transition to high school and i didn’t really feel like either of my two-friends-who-i-didn’t-feel-i-could-be-close-with cared about me at all. this is a different brand. i’m very lucky to have a lovely group of very close friends who i can trust and who i mostly feel i can rely on (although when it comes to relying on my friends, the problem isn’t that i don’t feel that my friends are reliable bc i know that they are and i know they love me!! i trust that they would help me!! the issue is that i don’t often feel like it would be fair to ask them for help, but like i said that’s a whole other issue just wanted to clarify that the issue is not with my friends it’s 100% with me and i know that). i have a pretty good social life as of rn, and even though we’re all dealing with this shitty shitty pandemic, my friends and i have found ways to stay connected and we videochat and play games and i love them so much and i’m so grateful for them and they make my life infinitely better. so the social aspect is not the issue here in the same way it was in freshman year. the issue here is that i seem to have lost most of my driving force.

here is a list to help me acknowledge things

i turn 18 in exactly a month (january 7th) and although i know that i don’t just *poof* into an adult, i am still terrified of losing my childhood (much of which i have already lost due to very poor memory and my anxiety quashing the ability to be weird the way that i am/the way that i want to) and i don’t have myself together in the way that i wanted to by the time i reached 18/senior year/graduation/Adulting Time

online class is hell, the work has only gotten harder, i sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for over 10 hours a day and don’t move and get lots of headaches and feel very understimulated, there’s always Something i haven’t done, and i can’t find it in me to give any shits about school in any way shape or form

except for maybe practicum i care about practicum i always care about practicum

i have basically no money and my gap year is coming up and i can’t get a job right now and i might not be able to get a job this school year at all and i am terrified of not being able to make enough money to give my friends the safe space they need, i need to support them, they need people who will Love Them, i want to give them a home i want to be a home for them and i am fucking terrified of not being able to make it happen for them

and for myself but also not really

like i definitely want this and i’m super excited to live with them but i’m also scared to leave home but i also know that they Need to leave home and i want to give them what they need!! and we’re gonna have such a good time!! and we’re gonna be safe and we’re gonna be whole and we’re gonna be loved and we’re gonna be a family!! this needs to happen i need to give them this we need to make this

i don’t wanna make it seem like i don’t wanna live with them, i do, i really do, i love them to pieces, i love them with all i am, i can’t express how much i love them, and i’m really really really excited, but at this point i’m mostly scared

having been diagnosed with (mild) adhd does not make it any easier to focus or sleep and i cannot fucking focus and i haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks

there’s so much shit that i have to do hanging over my head, mostly it’s scheduling i’m trying to schedule my life basically (which sounds crazy but it’s less intense than it sounds i’m just trying to give myself more structure) but that’s a really overwhelming task and every time i try to make a schedule i can never stick to it so i have a lot less faith in it this time around

my sexuality and gender and thoughts about surgery/transitions/etc remain unclear and the only thing i’m sure of is that i’m demiromantic, but that doesn’t do shit about unrequited romance, which hurts like a motherfucker, and i don’t even truly know if it *is* romance that i’m wanting and there’s nothing real that i can do about that either

still feeling like shit about my body in a lot of different ways, not gonna get too far into it rn

the pandemic + online school + drudgery of classes + general unmotivated feelings + no changes in routine + a lack of structure + same environment 24/7 makes every day feel the fucking same and i’m sick of it

i’m stressed about vassar results coming out tmrw and i still have to write like at most 8 different college supplements before december 23rd (2 weeks)

i haven’t really sat down and done anything i’ve Enjoyed for a while and not had a Responsibility hanging over my head

basically i’m tired and anxious and overworked and lonely and lacking a driving force and really really fucking angry at everything and all that combines to make me pretty damn miserable! and as a result of all of this, my self-care is slipping and then my room doesn’t get clean and my bed doesn’t get made and i don’t get dressed or make myself proper meals or brush my teeth or sleep and that just makes it worse

and i want to talk about how i do definitely still have plenty of happy moments and good things and there is still a good amount of sunshine, i’m not *completely* miserable, but the minute i start thinking about that, i start to think that whatever sunshine there may be automatically cancels out any gray that there is, which is not a good place to be because i don’t want to fake being happy (i’ve never been good at that anyway which is probably a good thing) so i’m trying to acknowledge that hey! things are pretty shitty!! but please keep in mind that even as i type this, most of me is saying things along the lines of “don’t share this don’t post it don’t complain you don’t have it bad you’re fine you need to take care of your friends you can’t feel these things just snap out of it and you’ll be fine” so this is a pretty big step and a lot for me to just Put Out Into The World

i spent a while trying to think of other things that i could add here but i don’t really think there’s much else to say. i’m not sure where to go from here. i don’t have any magic solutions so i am trying really really hard not to let myself slip into complete giving-up-i-will-not-get-better space and it helps to just Know what’s in my brain. i don’t know if i have the mental energy to try to “fix” any of these issues right now, i just think i needed to start by writing them down. now i have them and i guess i’ll see where i can go from here. sorry this post was super long for anyone who may have chosen to take a look

that’s all <3