#wrote this just now. in bed. don’t ask what this is bc idk

[koenigami]

you're so used to his presence that his absence scared you

It’s one of those nights in which the lands of dreams seem so far away. Your eyelids feel heavy, your eyes burn, and you would think sleep will soon, in the next few minutes or even seconds wash over you. But it never comes.

It’s funny, you think. One night. Just one night that he isn’t lying there beside you, and all of a sudden the thoughts and fears in your mind are too loud. The tumult in your head makes your limbs fidget as you keep tossing and turning, sighing and groaning while you wonder if you’ll even be able to fall asleep tonight. The silly thought of if you’ll actually ever be able to fall asleep again passes your mind, and as ridiculous as it sounds, in your tired and miserable state it is a concern that makes you tear up a little.

You try to imagine his arm thrown around you, the heaviness of it pressing into your side, the warmth of his hand as it settles beneath your chest so that you can hold onto his forearm.

But it’s not there. Your bedroom feels cold and dark without him. An ever consuming darkness that plays tricks on you and turns every shadow into a menacing figure. Every creak and groan of your old floorboards and furniture makes you flinch, wrapping your blanket tighter around you and higher up to your chin as if it could shield you from the inexistent danger that your brain has come up with.

You realise that sleeping without him feels like living without oxygen. It’s not possible.

A new case. A new detainee. Too much paperwork. You wonder if he’ll even come home tonight. What if he just crashes on the couch in his office? He will surely-

And then there’s another creak outside your bedroom, somewhere in the hallway. You tense, hold your breath and don’t dare to inhale or exhale, all while keeping your eyes fixated on the door. Steps. They’re slow and calculated, and you surely would not be aware of them if you were asleep. But you’re not. And your brain isn’t either because it tells you to run, hide, fight, and you’re not sure in which order.

With wide eyes and the blanket up to your nose, you watch the knob turn and the door opens slowly. More darkness flows into the room followed by another large, imposing shadow. All you hear is your deafening heartbeat until there’s a familiar clinking of metall. His handcuffs.

You follow Wriothesley’s figure as he navigates through the bedroom. Like every other night, he puts his keys and handcuffs on the nightstand, he changes into comfortable pyjama pants, he shortly leaves the room to wash his teeth, and eventually the mattress dips and you swear you can feel the warmth radiating off him.

“Y/n?” you hear him whisper in surprise. “Sweetheart, why are you awake?”

He lies down and you instinctively snuggle against him, like a moth being attracted by the light, your body gravitates towards his and his to yours. Your eyes close briefly when he cups the side of your face, his thumb gliding back and forth over your skin.

You shrug sheepishly. A moment of silence passes while you think about whether you should say it or not, but you do.

“Can’t sleep without you.” As if two little children sharing a secret between each other during their first sleepover, Wriothesley and you look at each other. The streetlights from outside shine on his eyes as he moves his head, allowing you to catch a glimpse of the fondness with which he’s looking at you.

And as if not sure how to answer, the chuckle vibrating through his chest echoes in the room. “Missed me that much?”

He nudges your forehead with his, and you can’t control your hands when each of them settles on one cheek of his as if they have a mind of their own.

He has shaved today, you note, feeling the softness of his skin beneath your palms.

“More than you know.” It’s another secret, another whisper that carries so much weight, Wriothesley feels like you might as well have just shouted it at him.

There’s a shriek followed by giggles and laughter when he turns his head to nibble on the inside of your hand before enveloping you in an almost suffocating embrace. You can’t remember the thoughts that have been keeping you awake when he holds you against his chest like that, with your ear right above his heart. You forget about the noises and fear that made you shake like a leaf before he arrived, because somehow it’s not as dark as before.

“I love you, Y/n.”

Because somehow it’s always better when he’s around.

[cindylcuwho]

“ your first munch ★ ”

— ★ matt sturniolo x afab! reader

★ ) summary ; after matt confessed to never eating a girl out, you offer to be his first taste

★ ) warnings ; switch! matt (not rly man is submissive) , oral (fem receiving) overuse of “you” and “he” 😭, thigh biting, teasing, pet names (baby)

★ ) madds note ; i re-wrote this so many times and im acc kinda sad bc the ending SUCKS . but idk enjoy (im still wattpad core so😭)

“i cannot believe—“ you let out a breathe, trying to calm down from laughing, “that thee matthew sturniolo, teenage girl heart throb, has never made a girl orgasm before?”

your words came out as if you couldn’t believe it, like you were asking if it were true even though he had just admitted to it.

matt shifted awkwardly on the couch, crossing his arms with a huff. he softly shoved your legs, which were spread on top of his own.

“i have, just not by.. you know,” he motioned his curled his fingers. he couldn’t finish the sentence, embarrassed by what he had admitted to you. poor baby didn’t even know if he moved his fingers in the right way.

what started off as just a fun little game of truth of dare quickly turned more sexual as you scrolled deeper into googles recommended searches.

“haven’t you had a girlfriend before??” you sat up straighter, now intrigued. your feet unhooked on his right thigh with a pillow in your lap.

“i thought you two were getting it on- wait does this mean you’ve never gotten head??” the unanswered questions were piling on top of each other, all you were dying to know the answers to.

“no, ive been given head before but anytime id offer to give it back she’d refuse, i didn’t wanna push her into that.”

you nodded your head, processing his words. matt has always been nice like that, always obeying to everyone and never asking questions.

he was such a good person you often wondered if he even knew where to draw the line when someone was being awful towards him.

maybe matt would also be like that during sex. would he be into getting overstimulated? would his thighs shake as he cried and begged for you to stop- oh my god. maybe he’d cry harder because you stopped.

you were dying to be one of the lucky few to find out.

the awkward silence was cut short when a devilish idea came to your mind.

“if you want,” you swallowed the lump in your throat before continuing, “i can be your first munch.”

matt’s eyes widened at your offer, “you being deadass?” he let out an airy laugh. you two were close, so close you knew each others underwear sizes but he never thought you would be into him.

not that matt wasn’t into you, god he would bet on everything that you would look gorgeous while moaning his name. not that you already don’t just sitting on the couch with loose clothing, his clothes, though the thoughts of what you’d look like as he was pleasuring you until no return creeped into his mind.

his eyes were trained on the floor, if he looked you in the eye he might cum in his pants on the spot.

“i was joking, don’t worry”

you truly weren’t, but you didn’t want to ruin the mood with your selfish thoughts.

matt laughed along with you. he couldnt tell if you were lying or not. did you not want him as bad as he wanted you?

taking a bold step, his fingers glazed over from your calf to your thigh in one stroke.

the sudden feeling made your entire body tingle with excitement. you were so close to begging him to do more.

it’s like your body was already craving him and he has barely done a thing.

he bit his lip as he silently sank from the edge of your bed to his knees. “do you have to be joking?”

matt looked so pretty like this. he was patiently sitting on the heels of his feet. his blue eyes shined as he looked up at you, waiting for an answer. his lips were plump, waiting to be kissed. his left hand rested in between his thighs.

the thought of him jacking off to pleasing you only enticed your feelings more.

he gave your thigh a tight squeeze, a silent signal for you to respond. you shook your head, “please.” you whispered.

“hm? please what?” he cocked his head to the side, the look of eagerness he was holding made your downer lips flutter even more than they had been.

“please, please touch me matt.”

he didnt need to be told twice. his hands spread your legs apart, and you helped to pull down your pants, moving faster than you normally would.

matt didn’t move to touch you, he was too scared of doing something wrong and wasn’t sure how to. “baby?” you leaned down to cup his cheek, “hey, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s completely up to you”

matt let out a loud whine, tears already pooling in his eyes. “i really, really do. i just don’t know what to do” he rested his hand on your left knee in defeat.

his lips slowly pressed into the skin, moving up. even if matt didn’t know what he was doing, he only knew he wanted to continue feeling your skins warmth against him.

matt bit down into your left thigh, earning a ‘hiss’ from you. he quickly backed his head away, a tear already rolling down his cheek from thinking he truly hurt you.

you giggled at him, leaning down to lick the tear away. he closed his eyes as your tongue made contact, taking in the wet feeling with gratitude.

grabbing his right hand, you slowly moved it up your thigh and stopped directly at your covered hole.

he bent the majority of his fingers, leaving only the middle and ring finger up. he took your head nod as a response and moved your panties to the side, slowly sliding the digits inside you.

you couldn’t help let out a moan at the sudden curl into your g-spot. matt stopped his movements, worried he already did something bad.

“no, baby don’t stop- loved that.”

matt continued the previous movements, “fuck,” he whispered to himself. the noises coming from both you and your running slick was music to his ears and made their way down to his cock, creating a tent in his pants.

his tattoo-covered arm raced down to his own crotch, palming at the growing tent in his pants. he didn’t continue, denying himself the opportunity to get off to you.

this is about your pleasure, not his.

matt moved his head closer. the smell your sweetness only made him his cock harder.

you let out a whine as he softly bit your thigh once more. you could feel him smile into your skin, softly sucking against the area before pulling away and moving to attack your most needed area.

your hips rolled on matt’s fingers as his tongue moved from flicking your clit to licking all over the place. he was addicted to your taste, lapping up everything your body would give him.

he pulled away, making you whine at the loss. “am i doing okay?” matt licked his lips, looking at you with blown out pupils.

“matt, you were doing so good, ple—“ he didn’t need to be told anything more before his tongue was already being shoved inside you.

his fingers were moving painfully slow in against your clit as his tongue pumped in and out of you, creating a build up of pleasure within your core.

“mm- fuck, matt” your hands tangled in his fluffy strands, tugging him closer than humanly possible. he relished at the harshness, moaning on your clit.

his hips subconsciously grinded against your bed, chasing his own high.

letting out a loud cry, a wave of sensations went through your body, grinding yourself against matt’s face.

he took it all with a wide smile, slurping up all the bits of cum his tongue could find.

once matt was done licking up all your juices, he put your panties back in their place. you pulled him upwards on the bed, cradling him in your arms.

“are we sure that was your first time?” you sighed, teasingly slapping his cheeks with the littlest pressure

he nodded his head yes. you two were silent for a moment before he spoke up,

“does this have to be the only time?”

[morningberriesao3]

Guys,

I just hit HALF A MILLION WORDS published on my AO3. It feels surreal?!?!?!? that I wrote that many words, and also a huge accomplishment as someone who picks up hobbies and abandons them before seeing them through LOL

Anyway, huge shoutout to everyone who reads my work, especially those who leave kudos and comments, and those who like and reblog here on tumblr, too. I’ve made a lot of friendships bc of this fandom and fic writing, and it’s been such a fulfilling hobby to fill my free time. (End Oscars speech)

Anyway, below the cut is an excerpt from my most recent fic, Love the Way It Hurts So Deep which is a part 2 to Hate the Way It Feels So Good. I mean, I posted it as a second chapter instead of it’s own fic, but it’s 17K words and was supposed to stand alone initially.

CW: enemies to lovers but they’re ACTUALLY enemies, a lot of dub con content even though i promise they both want what’s happening more than anything, violence, spit kinks, maybe even blood kinks?!?!? idk just think of all the sadist and masochist shit and stuff it into this fic and that’s what it is.

18+ only

For the hundredth time tonight, Eddie trails his eyes over Steve in appreciation. But his soul is shining through his irises again, and there’s something else hiding inside of him that Steve can’t put his finger on. “You gonna tell me who put their hands on you now?”

“No.” Steve shakes out his fuzzy head, tries to push through the fog inside of it. “I mean, you don’t know them. Seriously.”

“Them?”

Steve stares into Eddie’s face as his features crumple within it. A million different emotions flutter on it, but it ultimately lands on something that looks like outrage.

“They won’t bother me again,” Steve says, because he has the urge to calm Eddie down. Make him feel better—even though he wasn’t the one who was tortured in a secret Russian base. His words seem to work, just a little, as Eddie bites back whatever it was he was going to say, and starts to pull his boxers back off. “Why? Are you jealous?”

Steve snaps his lips shut a little too late, the question falling out of him before he has the chance to realize he doesn’t really want to ask it.

Eddie pauses for a few long seconds, his boxers shoved halfway down his thighs. His eyes tick up to Steve’s, rimmed in wide white, making them seem too large for his face. “Yes, Steve, I’m jealous.”

It sounds like sarcasm.

He kicks off his shorts, his hands rubbing the tight skin under his navel, then the patch of hair that Steve wants to bury himself in, then down to his balls. His fingers wrap around them, give them a tug.

Steve stares unabashed—he figures Eddie’s doing it for his sake, anyway. Touching himself—putting himself on display—so he can watch the way Steve turns dumb and the way his cock leaks against his abdomen. Proof that he’s too wildly affected by just Eddie’s presence, just the visuals, just the thought of their bodies rolling together.

His lips get loose again, like the Truth Serum is back in his system. “Because you care about me?”

The muscles feather on Eddie’s jawline. He slowly crawls onto the bed, between Steve’s legs. He hovers there, not quite low enough for their bodies to touch the way Steve wants, but his hair fans around the sides of Steve’s face as he cranes his neck down.

“Because I fucking hate you.” Eddie’s hand is suddenly around Steve’s neck, squeezing against his airways tight enough that Steve’s grip flounders against the blankets, enough that he gasps in shock, but also for the air that is evading him. “You made my life a living hell, Harrington. I’m jealous because I should have been the one to make you bleed.”

[panic-in-the-multiverse]

Nonexistent Eating Patterns

Pairings: Matt Murdock x gn!teen!reader

Imagine: you haven’t been eating sleeping or drinking as you should and Matt is there to help

Warnings: not eating, anxiety, dehydration, sleep deprived, mention of panic/anxiety attacks, mention of depression, feeling sick, mention of school and exams and grades, Soft Matt Murdock (that is a warning), idk what more

A/N for starters this is probably shitty, bc wrote this late at night to be able to cope with my current life/mental/physical health. So wrote this to bring me some sort of comfort, so yeah this is probably shitty and I have not proofread it, but ya know that’s fine I guess :)

You didn’t know why, but once a year there was always this period of time where you ate far too little. More so than usual. The other times when you occasionally skipped lunch or breakfast or your usual midnight snack it was always fine, because you only skipped one of those and only once a week at a maximum. But now. Now you have skipped breakfast and your midnight snack the whole week, and lunch nearly every day. You had eaten maybe four times overall this week and your health was not having it. Because at those times when you did eat you didn’t eat much, you nearly spat out the food you ate. Nor did you get hungry. You only had that stomach ache where deep down you knew it came from you not eating, but you didn’t want to acknowledge that. So instead you laid curled up in your bed, hands by your head trying to soothe the migraine and your knees up to your chest while watching some random show on the TV. It was one of two positions that made the ache bearable.

Matt — your “guardian”, and who you shared an apartment with — knew you hadn’t been eating well. Of Course he knew, he was the devil of Hell’s Kitchen after all. Something like that would not get past him, but he didn’t want to push things on you, he didn’t want to push you to eat because it wouldn’t work as long as you didn’t do something yourself. As long as you didn’t ask for help he knew you wouldn’t eat. He knew your condition only got worse with your horrible sleeping patterns, and let’s not forget you were probably dehydrated. It seemed like you didn’t ever get tired, hungry or thirsty. Matt wanted to help you, but as long as you didn’t want the help nothing would change. Because one of the worst things is when a person doesn’t want help, and it’s hard to help them when they don’t want the help, especially with this. So he let it be for the time being, until he felt it had been going on for too long.

You’d had more panic and anxiety attacks this month than you usually had and your depression had kicked in not long ago. Which meant that you were less likely to start eating and sleeping. The only thing that kept you occupied was watching movies and series. You couldn’t do any school work, because that just made you anxious. Even though you didn’t have much in school at the moment (if you compare to other times), you still felt like everything was too much. You were supposed to have five exams, you had one today, which ended badly. The next two were next week, and then two after each other the next three coming weeks. On top of that you were just confused by everything in school and even if you studied you didn’t get the high grades. Everything was just too much at the moment with school, depression, anxiety overall, plus the attacks and panic attacks, let’s not forget not eating, drinking or sleeping. At the very moment you were screwed and you’d gone so deep down that you had no idea what to do.

Every day you felt like you would have an attack, every day you felt like you wanted to cry and scream until next year came. But you couldn’t even force a tear out of your eyes or a scream out of your throat, for some reason you just couldn’t. So you opted to lay in bed and watch movies all weekend instead of studying for your next exam because you wouldn’t understand anything anyway (and the teacher couldn’t explain it to you either).

It was night by the time Matt came home again, he’d called various times during the day to make sure you ate something, though you hadn’t really followed that, as you just took one bite out of your sandwich before you had to throw it away feeling like you’d puke by eating it. So when he came home and heard you were still awake as well as when he noticed you hadn’t eaten, he went into your room, and you in a poor attempt tried to even your breath to make it sound like you were sleeping — even though you knew full well it wouldn’t work.

“I know you’re awake”

Matt sat himself beside you on your bed. Making sure you listened to him as he continued.

“I know you didn’t eat today” he touched your arm gently, which went unnoticed by you, as you continued to stare out in the distance after you had opened your eyes. He touched your arm once more, and this time you felt it as your eyes slightly wandered to his hand which was carefully placed on your arm once more. Your hands had long since started to fiddle with your blanket in an attempt to hide the fact that your hands were shaking from the anxiety that came with being confronted with your nonexistent eating patterns.

“If I make you a sandwich will you eat it” you only shook your head in answer, you knew with the help of his heightened senses he would pick it up, but just in case you answered with a no as well.

“Can you at least drink a glass of water?” you shook your head and said no once more. Matt sighed and after a few moments he went out of your room. He went into the kitchen and took out some candy from one of the cupboards — the candy he hid away for special occasions. Matt also went and got a glass as he tapped on the water. When he heard it flow down he put the glass underneath and waited for the water to fill up the glass (can he now that?). He also put the candy in a bowl and went into your room again.

The darkness in your room made it hard for you to see, the movie had gone onto the credit scenes and the black background did nothing to help you see what Matt did. You only heard something being put down on your nightstand and felt Matt move around in front of you (as you were facing that way). He took up his previous position on your bed and made you sit up, as well as tell you to put on your favorite movie, he didn’t care if he couldn’t see it nor if you had already seen it today, it was the best way to distract you.

When the movie had started to roll he started to talk. “I know candy isn’t exactly food, or the food you need right now, but you eating anything is a progress, so can you at least eat some of it” your breathing had stopped for a few seconds, scared of even trying to eat as it made your stomach ache. Matt felt this, and added to his previous words. “Please Y/N, if you won’t do it for me, do it for yourself, I know that deep inside you want to get better, you’re just scared to try, scared that it might get worse, but I promise it won’t, it’ll only get better” he felt your head slowly nod as you slowly reached over to the bowl. “How do you know that” Matt sighed softly once more, he knew that if he said the wrong thing it’d make you put away the bowl. “Because it has before hasn’t it, before it went way too far until you needed to get help, because you couldn’t do anything, I just want to help you before we get to that, okay” you hummed at his answer and picked up a chocolate bar. When you put it in your mouth it melted and you got a tiny moment were you felt like everything would be okay, the sweetness was nice, it was far better than eating a sandwich that’s for sure. With that you took another candy bar and eventually you had eaten all of it, while being distracted by the movie in front of you. Matt had listened in on you while you ate, making sure you were okay. He drowned away everything but you, only focusing on you, to make sure you were nothing but okay.

After a few moments your stomach started to ache, it felt like it harnessed everything you ate. Matt made you drink the glass of water before he laid you down on the bed. His arms wrapped around you, as he cuddled close to you, giving you comfort. You breathed in his scent and felt his overall calmness — which always seemed to calm you down in turn. It was like he transferred some of his calmness over to you.

Eventually Matt felt your even breaths as you for once actually slept. That’s when he promised that he’d make sure that you actually ate the next following days, because he didn’t ever want to experience this with you ever again. Though if it did happen again he would always be there to help you, over and over again.

[jazz-bazz]

@jesusbutbetterrr‘s Ghoulettes Weeks 2024! Week 3 : First ritual & Lazy sunday

this is gonna be rambly bcs i am losing more and more braincells every minute T-T and im twisting the prompts a lot 🙃

The first time it happened was unintentional. It all started with Mist, who asked Aurora if she wants to go chill in the bath with her because Rora is part water. Normally Mist would ask Rain too, but that day they were out with Dew and Mountain running an errand for Papa, so it was just the two of them, at first.

On their way to Mist’ room they ran into Cirrus and Cumulus, who asked them what they’re doing, and Rora said they’re gonna go chill in the bath, and invited the two to join them, which they agreed to. Now that they’re a group of four, why not ask Sunshine too! The more the merrier right? Besides, Sunshine being part fire can help keep the water warm so they can stay in there longer.

Thankfully Mist’ bathtub was big enough, perks of being a water ghoulette, all the water ghouls get big tubs to soak in, in a very fancy bathroom complete with a tv and sound system so they don’t get bored. They quickly got in and then stayed there for like a few hours just chilling, talking and gossiping, watching movies, drinking wine, yknow, things people do while in the tub. (Idk bcs I’ve never done it for that long 😬).

After soaking, why not just do a whole spa thing, they get face masks, do each other’s hairs and nails, continued watching other movies, chilling in Mist’ bed in soft silk pajamas, doing arts and crafts, until it was past midnight. When they’re all yawning every few seconds, creating an endless chain reaction of yawns and giggles and some hiccups, they just piled together and cuddled each other to sleep.

Realising how refreshed they were the next day, they decided to do it every first Sunday of each month, creating their own girls day ritual, sometimes even Rain and Zephyr would join in, wanting to get some TLC and being pampered too.

Cute right? now i just made myself jealous of fictional characters in a ramble i wrote myself… ghelp…

[daveysmate]

Asher/Baabe pregnancy headcanons I think I might turn this into a series??? Idk yet (This isn’t proof read so sorry if something is spelled wrong also, it’s kinda short bc I wrote it during my econ class lol)

Cw: pregnancy, pregnancy symptoms

Ok so they only found out because Baabe started waking up with morning sickness

Asher would find them practically hugging the toilet

“Baabe, are you ok? I know my cooking wasn’t good yesterday but was it really that bad? Did I give you food poisoning??”

But when the symptoms continued they went to the doctor only to find out Baabe was pregnant

Asher was beyond excited like literally bouncing off the walls and he wouldn’t shut up about it

“Do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl? What are we gonna name them? We need to set up the nursery. What color should we paint it?”

When Baabe was in the emotional stage and started crying for no reason, Ash would start crying too to the point where Baabe would end up comfort him

“Ash it’s ok, stop crying, I’m fine” “I know but now I can’t stop crying”

Asks Davey to teach him how to cook just so he can cook for Baabe in case they’re craving something

So many cuddles

Like he gets even clingier

Baabe uses them being pregnant as an excuse for everything

“Ash, I don’t wanna watch this show can you change it?” “But Baabe the episode just came out I’ve been waiting for this” *Baabe points to their stomach* “Fine” and then he changes it

He’s really excited up until he realizes that he doesn’t know how to change a diaper or even properly know how to hold a baby

He buys so many parenting books

When Baabe starts going into labor Ash is more freaked out then they are

Like you know that one scene from the office that’s like “omg ok it’s happening, everybody stay calm, everybody stay fucking calm” yeah that’s Ash

Ash cried when the baby was born, he sat on the hospital bed holding Baabe with one arm and the baby with another

Stoppp omg that made me soft

Ok but when the baby is born they become partners in crime

The baby is literally a mini Ash bc 1. They look a like 2.once the baby learns how to crawl he will not stay still

I can imagine it being the middle of the night and Asher wasn’t in bed so Baabe went to go look for him and then finds him on the couch with the baby watching Pokémon

“Ash he was supposed to be asleep three hours ago”

And when the baby is a toddler Baabe finds Ash trying to teach him how to play Halo

“Really Ash?” “He saw me playing and then he wanted to play too, how was I supposed to say no?”

Ash has full conversations about Pokémon with the baby when he learns how to talk

Speaking of Pokémon, for Halloween Ash dresses up as Ash Ketchum and dresses the baby up as Pikachu

Later that night when the baby was put to sleep, Baabe and Ash were cuddling in bed he was like

“Baabe I want another one” “Another what?” “Another baby”

And then right be he falls asleep he adds

“We could dress him up as Raichu”

[winderlylandchime]

Just want to send you guys little moments that have happened in the last few days that for sure wouldn’t have without qaf. Just in case if you guys thought that maybe he has even one normal day/moment in his life. I am here to show you that you’re wrong. Anyway:

Our mom called him like 4 times which he didn’t answer. Finally when he called her back, she asked why didn’t he answer before to which he said ‘sorry mom, i was playing with Brian’ and my mom went dead silent and had the most scared look on her face and then just slowly went ‘please, please say you mean the cat.’

He went on a walk with the neighbor that watched qaf and he mentioned to him that he saw Gale on Criminal Minds. And the guy, i guess told him that Gale was on Desperate Housewives and the next thing I see out the window is a grown man trying to speed walk back home. And he barges in and goes ‘we gotta watch Desperate Housewives! Right now! Brian is there!’ And when I told him that he’s only in a few episodes in a later season, he went ‘fuck. So now I gotta watch that whole thing for a bit of Brian? That’s rude but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do’ so now he put DH on his watch list next.

Then he had a call with his therapist and I don’t know what they talked about but whatever it was, it lead to him bursting into my room going ‘do YOU think Brian would fuck me if given the chance?’ We got into an argument because I refused to answer. I mean what do i even say to that? But also i want to know what he asked his therapist with the way he emphasized the word ‘you’.

I was in a “meeting” (more like a catch up) like 2 days ago with my boss and a coworker (who thankfully have met my brother and are both cool) when this dude burst into my office to ask ‘when do you think Brian fell in love?’ He thinks it was before prom, he can’t make his mind up between 1x16, 1x18 or 1x20 he wants to say it was sooner but he doesn’t think so. But he thinks prom solidified it, which btw he said all that while still in the room and then when he noticed my laptop, he very, very slowly walked backwards and closed the door behind him.

Then I went to our local store (it’s like a tiny corner store or whatever) and when I was at the check out ready to pay, the guy working there goes ‘hey, i thought you only had one brother?’ And i confirm that yes, i onky got one, thank god. And then he goes ‘so who the fuck are Brian and Justin?’ And i felt like a deer caught in headlights. Turns out he’s been talking about them like they’re normal people, so the poor guy thought Justin was our little brother and Brian is his boyfriend/my brothers friend.

And my all time favorite one this week was the one that even made our mom laugh so hard she cried: an old lady that went to PT with him (after pt they have him on like some lasers or whatever to help the pain, so he’s laying on one of the beds and she’s on the other) she has heard him talk about Brian to the nurse(!!!) so many times that she actually thought Brian was his boyfriend. And he didn’t even realize it until she left her last session yesterday and before she left she went ‘sweetheart, leave that man, you deserve much better than what he gives you plus by the sound of it, he’s still hung up on his ex’ and my dumb brother sighed and went ‘yeah, i know- wait what’ and she waved and left. He couldn’t figure out if he gave off a certain vibe or was it how he talked/moved and she was just being a little ignorant about it or if all this Brian talk made an old lady think he’s gay. And when I didn’t answer bc idk what to say, he got into an argument with me again because and I quote ‘how dare you not know if I’m gay or not to other people.’ Oh and he texted our mom ‘do I seem gay?’ But he fucked up and wrote ‘seam’ so it changed the whole thing to ‘Am i gay?’ Mom’s response was ‘i don’t know hunny, maybe. Who knows at this point anymore’ it took him TWO HOURS to realize the typo/autocorrect and by then it was too late to fix it so he just gave up.

So i’d say living with my brother at the hight of his Qaf obsession has been going great.

Dear sweet anon! This has made me laugh so hard. Your brother is really in the mix of it all, isn't he?

my mom went dead silent and had the most scared look on her face and then just slowly went ‘please, please say you mean the cat.’ LOL. Because let's not have an adult man with a new imaginary friend who's a character on a long ago TV show.

I am so terrified of what he asked his therapist. I wish your brother was my client because I would just discuss the show for a session and get paid but now I'm imagining this happening to a therapist who has never seen QAF and how confusing it must be and how this therapist is probably consulting with other therapists to figure out how much to indulge this. (Btw has QAF come up in my own therapy? Yes, yes it has.)

As for when Brian fell in love - that is such a good question. I think I had an anon who asked me that. I think there's a meta post in your brother that is dying to be posted to tumblr.

Also everyone thinking Brian and Justin are other brothers or your brother's boyfriend or... the fact that your brother is not prefacing all of this with "this is a tv show and these are characters on the show" is just fandom brain. And it's hilarious. And the little old lady telling him to leave Brian? DEAD.

Mom’s response was ‘i don’t know hunny, maybe. Who knows at this point anymore’ is a great response to "am I gay" but also brother not realizing the typo/autocorrect is killing me.

You are a saint. Thank you for your service. This is incredible.

[astroyongie]

Hi yongie! Sooooo idk if you’ll have time for this (if you are busy don’t worry about it) but I wanted to ask what FIRST steps to take to fix your life if it’s been unhealthy! I know it’s different for everyone but if you have any advice to start everything on the right path it would help greatly! I was so distracted by work and surface level positivity (everything’s fine, if I just keep going forward etc) that I wasn’t making any spiritual or mental progress. I was just kinda ignoring it bc I was at what I thought was an okay enough place. I didn’t fully notice how physically and mentally unhealthy I was becoming by just focusing on work and school and ignoring small issues. Then BANG one day the consequences of my choices and prioritizations hit me at once. Even though I didn’t feel it before! Now physically I feel terrible from my crappy choices build up the past year (not getting enough minerals/nutrients, not going to gym, quitting hobbies, not sleeping enough) and mentally I’m more unstable than I’ve been in years (huge depressive episodes, insomnias, distancing myself from others, anxieties & overthinking). But also at the same time I threw SOOO much money and investment into school that right now I don’t have money or time to do things like start up my hobbies, buy meds, or go back to the gym even though I’m struggling.

I just really would like advice from someone learning abt this stuff on what first steps to take to fix something like this. The consequences of build up from bad decisions. It just feels so stuck.

Ily yongie hope your doing well at school and in life! I’m sure your busy and Ik I wrote this so confusing so you don’t have to answer. If you have something/advice to add though I would appreciate it! Don’t overwhelm yourself with all the love readings I saw how many are on for January (😭)!! I wish you and your cats the very best. 💞

Hey hun, thank you for sharing all of your struggles with me. I will teach you a way that can help you and of course, this can go FOR EVERYONE THAT IS STRUGGLING to keep their life healthy and in check

The first thing I want to say is that sometimes it's okay to stay in bed, it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to take time for oneself before getting back on track. You aren't a machine, and your divine timing needs to be respected.

I will advise you to first have the mindset (which it seem you got it) like admitting to ourselves that this life isn't going good and that we want to change. That's the first step. Now secondly, I usually help patients to set goals. Minor goals, Medium Goals, and Big goals. there are some examples:

Minor goals: Goals set for a day to one week

cleaning the bedroom

read a chapter from my favorite book

go out in the sun

eat 4 meals today

do one session of pilates

Medium goals: Goals set for a week or the month

Doing 3 sessions of workouts at home

Seeing my friends/family

Challenging myself to go to the museum alone

Big goals: Goals set for a month or a year.

Have a driving license

Getting my school year

Seeing a therapist

Achieving something that would make me happy

Your goals need to be set based on your needs and what you want to achieve. To keep track of all of it, I usually suggest you keep track of schedules that you plan beforehand, with cognitive stimulation, journaling, etc.

What if there's a goal that I wasn't able to achieve? : Then it's okay. you still have plenty of days, weeks, and months, to achieve it. It's about baby steps and motivation, slow progress, don't expect to change your lifestyle in a week. It's a start as sometimes mental health, financial issues, and life events can make it challenging to keep track. In those times, breathe. Take a break, then come back stronger. Look for what didn't work, and start by changing that.

If you can instaure also a reward system for each goal that you reach. by the end of each week and/or month, give yourself a reward based to celebrate what you archived, even if it's minor. Allow yourself to have that chocolate cake, allow yourself to binge-watch your favorite show without leaving the bed, and allow yourself to buy that thing you have been wishing for.

It's not about how quickly you do things. It's about how steadily you are writing your own story and developing at your own pace.

[here2bbtstrash]

I posted 3,085 times in 2022

That's 3,085 more posts than 2021!

1,413 posts created (46%)

1,672 posts reblogged (54%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@here2bbtstrash

@gimmethatagustd

@jung-koook

@yoongukie-ff

@sunshinerainbowsbts

I tagged 3,065 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#fic review - 750 posts

#mposting - 591 posts

#queue what you want ㄱ -ㅅ-ㄱ - 584 posts

#mbox 📮 - 447 posts

#anonymous - 438 posts

#ask game - 331 posts

#look down on me like that - 218 posts

#ldomlt spoilers - 153 posts

#freaky drabbles - 123 posts

#fic rec - 99 posts

Longest Tag: 129 characters

#i usually try and take a brain break between chapters of this but i got so excited i already started on dialogue for a ch 5 scene

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Yoongi fingering u till u squirrttttttt

my god, anon. i don't know what to tell you. this was supposed to be a short lil drabble like the rest and then..... that that live yoongi happened and i. uh. my brain short-circuited. the thirst for this man overtook me. i think i just wrote the nastiest porn of my whole career lmao.

so anyway uhhhhhh - HOPE YOU ENJOY 🤪

pairing: yoongi x reader wordcount: 4.8k DO NOT FUCKING @ ME contains: my first ever OT7 scene :') ft. an incredibly dumb conversation abt squirting, best friend's friend to lovers (? idk what else to call it lmao), squirt god min yoongi (yes that's a warning), yoongi is in his that that live outfit bc i'm a menace to society, a lil bit of edging, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, and obv. a whoooole lot of tongue and finger fucking and SQUIRTING 💦💦💦

“Remember that girl I took home last night?”

You just know Taehyung is about to say something gross by the look in his eye, the way he bites down on the edge of his red solo cup as he glances around the circle of his friends.

Well, his friends and you. There’s a clear distinction.

A few heads nod, shoulders shrug. You brace yourself.

“Fucking geyser, I’m serious. Soaked my whole bed. I had to sleep on the couch.”

Hoseok’s loud cackle rings in your ears, and he has to cling to Jimin’s arm to stay upright, clearly already well past tipsy. “I was wondering why you were washing your sheets! That’s typically a once-a-year activity for you, Taehyung-ah!”

You make sure Seokjin doesn’t miss the death glare that you aim in his direction. He dragged you to this stupid party, said otherwise he’d spend the whole time in the corner reading webtoons on his phone. And now you have to tolerate the absolute fuckery of his nasty friends.

He grimaces a silent apology back at you, bringing one hand up to smack Tae firmly on the back of the head.

“She peed?!” Jungkook’s eyes are wide as he pauses with his own drink halfway to his mouth.

Everyone reacts at once: Hoseok quite literally doubles over, Taehyung fights to keep the corners of his mouth from turning up, Jimin gives an aggressive side-eye, Seokjin covers his face with his hand. Even Yoongi reacts, smiling a rare wide smile, shoulders shaking a little with laughter.

Namjoon takes the educational opportunity, clapping a hand firmly to Jungkook’s back. “Do you know what squirting is?”

You watch as Jungkook’s eyes flit across the circle. “I thought it was pee,” he admits, voice a little quieter this time.

“You are so fucking dumb,” Jimin says, shooting Jungkook a look of utter disgust. Hoseok is literally on the floor at this point.

“It’s, uh…” Namjoon makes a face as he searches for the right words. “Female ejaculate.”

“Girl cum?” Jungkook translates.

“I don’t care if it was piss, it was fucking hot,” Taehyung says as he downs the last of his drink.

“You’re disgusting,” Seokjin says with a shake of his head as he offers a hand to help Hoseok to his feet. Taehyung sticks his tongue out, waggling it side-to-side, which just sends Hoseok right back down again with another peal of laughter.

“I’ve never hooked up with a squirter,” Jungkook says softly, like he’s a little disappointed.

You open your mouth to speak up, as the only person with a vagina currently partaking in the conversation, but Yoongi beats you to it. “You just don’t know what you’re doing.”

His words surprise you for a second, but you shake it off and continue. “Not every girl can squirt. Most can’t.” You shrug slightly.

“That’s not true,” Yoongi counters, and you whip your head to look at him.

“What the fuck do you know, Min Yoongi?” The words leave your mouth before you can stop them. You don’t know why Seokjin thought it was a good idea to bring you around his friends, when he knows you have no filter.

Yoongi raises a hand, as if to signal that he’s not trying to fight. “I’m just saying. Once you learn what to do, anyone can get there. Just takes some patience. And a lot of foreplay. But I’ve never not made a girl squirt.”

You roll your eyes. “Well, I’ve never squirted.”

It takes a moment for you to realize what you’ve set yourself up for, and you have to fight the urge to clap a hand over your mouth. The same response ripples through the group a millisecond later: eyes widening, lips pursing in silent expressions of shock.

“I think I need another drink– should we all go?” Namjoon asks, extremely unsubtle.

See the full post

2,438 notes - Posted July 17, 2022

#4

compromise (explicit)

genre: twilight AU, straight-up cracky-ass porn, do not look @ me

pairing: vampire!taehyung x human!reader x werewolf!jungkook

summary: you're torn between the two loves of your life - but maybe you don't have to choose.

word count: 10k 😬

contains: explicit sexual content~*~ no seriously like i wrote this with my dick it is EXCLUSIVELY twilight-flavored porn sdhfjdkgsdf - taehyung is a vampire, jungkook is a werewolf, reader is in love with both of them, they can't stand each other, yktfv !!!! this is actually an incredibly poorly negotiated threesome, so uh, don't do it like this kids!!!!! just enjoy the filth 🫡 which specifically contains: a m/m/f threesome ft. mid-sex jealousy lol, biting, nipple play, clit stim and fingering, clit biting 💀, cunnilingus, spitting, neck.... licking?, a lot of body temperature descriptions bc we're sticking to steph's hot/cold lore bc i think it's funny idk, blowjobs/throat fucking, spit-roasting, first times, unprotected sex, some mildly improbable sex positions because they both have superhuman strength lmfao, a smidge of dirty talk/praise kink, ass play, anal sex, good ol' DP, annnnnd the grand finale: neck-biting and blood-drinking 🤭 also tae and jk throw "slurs" like 'leech' and 'dog' at each other the whole time sdfsdfjkf 💜

A/N: SURPRISE! AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I WILL NOT BE EXPLAINING MYSELF BUT UHHHH ENJOY SOME NONSENSE!!!!

thank you to @haliiimede for the incredible banner 🥺

read on AO3!

~*~

You’ve been on edge all evening, watching, waiting.

As the sun slips below the horizon and reddens the sky on its departure, you try not to read it as an omen of what’s to come. Night pours out black like it always does, dark blanketing the lush green outside your bedroom window, but your stomach refuses to untwist.

Not even the touch of Taehyung’s hand can settle your nerves, despite how familiar it is, cold as ice, hard as marble. He’d climbed in your window at dusk, the way he’s done every night for months now, but tonight the air between you is heavy. Tonight you can barely look at him.

“Jagiya,” his hundred-year-old voice drips, sweet like honey, rich like blood in the quiet of your room. “What’s wrong?”

You haven’t even opened your mouth to answer when his head snaps up, clearly alerted by some sound your weak human ears have yet to pick up on.

Right on time, then.

“Tae,” you murmur softly, bringing one hand up to cup his cheek. Your thumb strokes lovingly over the flawless perfection of his face as your human eyes meet his: rich ochre, deep enough to drown in. He’s well-fed; you made sure that would be the case when you planned this. You need every possible element on your side tonight.

He cuts you off with a growl before you can say more than his name. “Why is that dog here?”

The word spat through his clenched teeth sends a fresh wave of anxiety spiraling through your bloodstream. “Please don’t call him that, Tae.” Your voice is barely more than a whisper. “He’s my best friend. I wanted the three of us to talk.”

You realize you can hear it now, coming up the road: the distant but unmistakable rattle of Jungkook’s motorcycle. It draws closer and closer, until it’s underscored by the crunch of gravel as he pulls into the driveway. When Jungkook finally kills the engine, the silence in your bedroom feels loud.

Taehyung doesn’t speak, but you can tell he’s furious, every muscle in his body pulled tight. His hands curl into fists, flexing restlessly at his sides, and even the well-defined line of his jaw jumps like he’s holding back the urge to tear something apart.

You do the only thing you can think of to calm your boyfriend: you take his face in your hands and pull him in for a deep kiss.

As your lips touch, it finally sinks in: how scared you are about tonight– you’re shaking like a leaf in Taehyung’s arms, even though you know he’d never hurt you. At least not purposefully.

The heat of your mouth seems to distract Taehyung a little, but there’s still fury in his kiss, in the soft growls that he can’t quite suppress as his tongue rolls over yours.

Your bedroom door creaks on its hinges, and you pull away from Taehyung just in time to see a bright smile drop off Jungkook’s face as he stands in the threshold. Your heart plummets into your stomach. Three seconds in and you’ve already ruined everything. How very human of you.

Moving an inch back from Taehyung, you unwind your arms from around his neck and try to regard both of them at once. This conversation suddenly feels much harder to navigate than you’d anticipated.

“Hi, Jungkook,” you say softly. Your best friend is practically glowering in the doorway now.

“I thought you wanted to talk. I don’t need to see him turn you. Or suck your soul out, or whatever.”

You try to stay calm, because someone has to. “It was just a kiss, Jungkook. I meant it, I do want to talk.” Your gaze flits from Jungkook to Taehyung. “To both of you.” As your eyes find Jungkook’s again, you pat the bedspread on your other side. “Will you come sit down?”

Taehyung makes a noise so otherworldly that chills rip up your spine, enough to make you shiver. “He’s fine where he is.”

See the full post

2,451 notes - Posted October 30, 2022

#3

the spins (explicit)

genre: smutttyyyyyy as hell (with like one angsty conversation about isolation as a trauma response, but said in much vaguer terms lol)

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: you discover a new side to your former lab partner, frat wonder boy jeon jungkook, when you confess to him the one thing no man has ever been able to make you do.

word count: 10.3k

contains: explicit sexual content AKA porn!!!!! alcohol, minor frat house shenanigans, reader is a total bitch but in a highkey relatable way, jungkook is The Only Good Frat Boy, mentions of shitty hookups/sexual dissatisfaction/faked orgasms, an **absurdly** lengthy and gratuitous cunnilingus scene, a lil bit of teasing/begging, spitting, LOUD sex, reader’s first partnered orgasms, also JK has a tongue piercing 👀

A/N: so writing this nearly killed me,,, lmao. i have two inspiration sources that i must credit- one is jai’s @gimmethatagustd INCREDIBLE fic paint me naked, which gave me the final shove i needed to topple over into JK hard stan land (listen he’s 3 years younger than me, i had a complex about it, it’s fine). seriously go give it a read and give her some love, i fully credit her with moving college!JK into my brain where he now lives rent-free.

the other source of inspiration is this insaaaaane imagine audio (WARNING, extremely NSFW and will literally ruin your life!!!!!) that hooked me on the idea that JK would be competitive about eating pussy and….. yep, smack those two things together and ta-da, this porn was born. godspeed and thanks as always for reading 💜

this is now (finally) on AO3!

~*~

You really don’t know why you came to this party. It’s so crowded, bodies pressed together, people screaming to be heard over the noise, or just because they’re white girl wasted. The music is terrible, the floor weirdly sticky, the container of jungle juice in the kitchen extremely suspicious. You opted for tequila instead, the last of which you now drain from the bottom of your red solo cup. The whole place smells like cheap beer, vape smoke, and frat boy cologne.

Yet another Jack Harlow song comes on over the bass-boosted speakers and you roll your eyes. That’s it. Time to go home and actually finish the psych paper you’re putting off.

You shove your way into the kitchen, trying to be the only upstanding citizen in this godforsaken frat house and actually put your trash in a trash can. You spot one in the corner– nearly overflowing, but still good enough, except that a whole circle of Brads and Chads block your path. You do your best to squeeze past them, but because they don’t do anything except live at the gym and snort protein powder, they might as well be a brick wall.

“Excuse me,” you try. Nothing.

“I need to get through,” you say with a gentle push. It’s like talking to a brick wall, too.

“Alright, fuck it.” You roll your eyes and decide to just fucking go for it. You’ve had enough liquor that you won’t feel the pain until tomorrow anyway.

The circle breaks apart in confusion, not a brain cell in sight, as you slam your way through. They part so quickly that your plan works too well, and the excess momentum shoots you forward. You stumble, losing your footing, already cringing because you’re about to faceplant on the nasty floor of this nasty frat house kitchen.

“Hey, whoa!” A voice way too close to your ear for comfort shouts, but then an arm snakes around your waist and saves you from your doom, gripping you tightly. “Careful!”

You glance up, wondering if this guy is going to try to turn the moment into some attempt at flirtation, the world’s worst meet cute, but then you see big round eyes staring back at you with legitimate concern. Oh, fuck. You know those Disney princess eyes. Your stomach drops.

“Whaaaaaaaat!” Holding you in one arm, an unopened 18-rack of beer hoisted up on his shoulder with the other, grinning like a kid in a candy store, is none other than frat wonder boy Jeon Jungkook.

Ah, shit. You knew he was in a frat, of course. He doesn’t shut up about it. But you didn’t know it was this one– well, actually, you don’t even know which frat house you’re in right now. Alpha Beta Omega? They’re all the same to you. You don’t really understand why they have factions anyway instead of all just living together, but that would probably be too gay.

“I didn’t know you partied!” Jungkook is still smiling a smile that takes up his whole face, clearly unable to believe that you’re standing here in his disgusting frat house kitchen in your leather jacket and your combat boots.

You huff a laugh as he slowly unloops his arm from around you, assessing to see if you’re stable enough to stay upright. You shoot him a look as if to say I’m fine, dumbass. Uncoordinated, not intoxicated. There’s a difference.

“I do not party,” you correct him. “Never once in my life have I partied. I merely come to the parties, stand on the edges and observe, get my free alcohol, and then depart. Like I’m doing right now.” You aim your solo cup at the trash can and miss by about a foot.

“You– hang on,” he pauses, turning back to offload the fresh case of beer onto the kitchen counter. There’s a clamor of excitement from the Brads and Chads as they crowd around to slap him on the back, shouting things like “okay, JK!” and “let’s fucking gooooo!”

You have to get out of here, you think to yourself, and then you watch Jungkook bring his tattooed hand up to rip the cardboard front of the case off effortlessly, and that is lowkey kind of hot.

Quiet, you tell your tequila brain. No lusting after frat boys. Not even the one you sat next to for an entire semester in bio lab, the one who was actually way smarter than anticipated and didn’t just use you for an easy A, who genuinely seemed like he cared about the way you answered “How was your weekend?” every time he asked, and who didn’t even say one problematic thing the whole semester.

Just because he’s the exemplary form of his species doesn’t make him not what he is, you remind yourself. Even the best frat boy is still a frat boy.

Jungkook returns as the rest of the bros swarm the counter and proceed to decimate the case of beer. That must have been the reason they were waiting here, at their proverbial watering hole, because they circle up and dissolve back into the party, several of them clapping Jungkook on the back again in thanks as they leave.

You realize he doesn’t have to yell to be heard anymore as he says, “You’re leaving already?”

See the full post

2,900 notes - Posted May 20, 2022

#2

the shape of your body (explicit)

genre: fluffy slowburn smut

pairing: jimin x reader

summary: the same day you finally manage to speak to your months-long public transit crush, you end up seeing much more of him than you bargained for.

word count: 24k 🙇‍♀️

contains: explicit sexual content~*~ (after a slow burn lmao) - new york city grad school AU, strangers to lovers, reader is an art student, public transit thirsting, jimin is a dancer and a nude model, namgi and vhope as side characters, basically everyone is gay (they're ART STUDENTS in NEW YORK CITY it's called realism 💅), a smidge of member x member side character relationships, jimin is biromantic demisexual 👀, conversations about body image issues/past relationship struggles/demisexuality and libido, soooo much making out, a couple "failed attempts" at sex, accidental voyeurism (but not how you think lmao YOU'LL SEE), showering together non-sexually, and: fingering, clit stim, nipple play, come eating/sharing 🤭 an attempted blowjob, face sitting, & protected sex (multiple rounds 🥵)

A/N: asjdshgkdfjgs i can't believe it's done 😭 there were so many times i thought i would never finish this fic !!! i have too many friends to thank for talking me off of SEVERAL ledges where i was convinced this whole thing was trash and that i should just stick to short porn or perhaps simply never write again. i'm so glad i saw this one through because there are concepts in here that are deeply important and personal to me wehhh 🫠 i sincerely hope y'all enjoy this one!! thank u for enduring mostly radio silence while i was in jimin lockdown, and of course, happy early birthday to mini, the light of my mf life 🥰💜 (oh and LDOMLT ch 8 is coming next so buckle tf up bitches 👀)

an eternity of smooches to @haliiimede for beta reading and just generally being the best fucking person on planet earth ✨ AND TO @goodsoop FOR THE DEMI SENSITIVITY READ VERY SORRY THAT I AM THE WORLD'S LARGEST IDIOT AND FORGOT TO CREDIT..... i love you both 🥺

read on AO3!

~*~

You’ve taken the subway thousands of times since moving to New York.

Morning rides, squeezed nearly to death between commuters in suits blinking back sleep and school-uniformed kids scream-laughing and paper coffee cups gripped tight by winter-numb fingers.

Long trips with your sketchbook on your lap, riding the line all the way to Pelham Bay Park and back, to surface above ground out where there’s a little more space to breathe, until the setting sun floods orange glow between the buildings just before you descend again.

Late nights coming home, Namjoon’s head thudding back against the train window behind him as he dozes off, one arm thrown around your shoulder to ward off any drunk creeps, his free hand interlaced with Yoongi’s on his other side.

It’s always been the three of you, first in friendship, and now that the two of them have figured out they’re something more, you don’t mind it. But when it’s late and you’ve had enough drinks to feel warm all the way through, to melt something open inside of you, and you glance over to see a loving flicker of eyelashes exchanged as Namjoon leans down and presses a kiss to Yoongi’s temple, you can’t help it.

There’s a little bit of an ache there, right behind your ribs. Sometimes.

But mostly, when it comes to the train, you take the 6 to school. You go through the motions this morning the same as you always do: headphones around your neck, bag slung over your shoulder, immediately dropping into the first empty seat you see as the train doors shudder closed and the car starts to move. Six stops down, 51st street to Astor Place, five days a week, you know it like a heartbeat.

You just wish you knew him, too.

Subway Boy, as Yoongi affectionately labeled him the time you got two pitchers of margaritas deep and made the mistake of confessing to your roommates about your crush— if it can even be called that. Can you truly have a crush on someone you know nothing about, not even their name?

Well, you know a few things.

He must live further north than you, because on the days you see him, he’s already on the train when you board at 51st.

He must like music, because he always has a set of fancy bluetooth earbuds in.

You’re pretty sure he’s an athlete of some sort, because he’s usually carrying a gym bag—and because during this summer’s heat wave, the one and only time you’ve seen him wear shorts, you nearly fainted at the thick, defined muscles of his thighs.

He has an affinity for jewelry, delicate silver always glinting through the multiple piercings in his ears. At odds with this, he seems to prefer to dress comfortably, and you’ve seen him in enough branded school t-shirts and sweats to figure he must also be an NYU student, though you can’t say for sure if he’s undergrad or graduate.

You deeply hope you’re not crushing on someone who still needs a fake ID to drink, but there’s no way to be certain.

Most importantly, you know that he is absolutely stunning. Elegantly handsome, with expressive deep brown eyes, skin like glass, and round cheeks and full lips that flush frozen pink on particularly frigid New York days. His hair has changed colors a few times over the months that have passed since you first took notice of him, but it’s currently a honey blonde, and long enough that he often reaches up to card a hand through it. He does it now, pushing loose strands back to expose his forehead as he frowns down at his phone.

On days where you share the same car, you notice very little else that happens on the ride, thoroughly entranced in Subway Boy’s beauty and his mystery. The train could probably catch fire and you’d miss it entirely.

Today happens to be one of those days, and excitement glitters in your bloodstream as you realize he’s seated across from you. The rush of seeing him always feels like its own reward, some kind of cosmic sign that the day is going to be a good one.

And then the train stops moving.

There’s an audible reaction from a few people in the car, and you glance up a moment later when a voice buzzes over the intercom. You’re able to make out “attention passengers” and very little after that, just the basics about some sort of unforeseen interruption of service and that the train should resume moving again soon.

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3,604 notes - Posted October 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

party on you (explicit)

genre: SMUT SMUT SMUT with an extremely small side of fluff lol

pairing: hoseok x reader

summary: the only thing stronger than your social anxiety is your big dumb crush on hoseok - and you're certainly not expecting it when he tells you the real reason he threw this album release party.

word count: 9.8k

contains: explicit sexual content aka PORN !!!! idol-verse, literally takes place at the JITB album release party, friends to lovers, erotic hand holding, they're both cute and dumb, a studio hookup 👀 dirty talk, thigh riding, cunnilingus, a single pussy slap lol, taint touching (?), HOBI EATS ASS, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, throat fucking, reader gets a facial, and a lil bit of cum eating, it's cute 😌

A/N: so, hi, i went to hobipalooza lmao. this is actually lowkey a songfic ??? charli xcx was one of the earlier acts on hobi's stage and. my god. seeing her live was a religious experience, and when she performed party 4 u i was like hnnnhghg this should be a fic. and now it is !!!! and i hope u enjoy 🥺🥺 i tried some new stuff in here, both soft and freaky lmao so i'm nervy to share!!! as always your support and feedback means the world to meeeee ok ilysomuch bye~

read on AO3 !

~*~

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4,457 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[speliviya]

Idk. I don’t trust that trailer at all lol. I imagine they probably are technically on a ‘break’ but can’t stay away from each other too long so an on/off hot/cold situationship which explains why she’s feeling for him in bed (if they’ve truly been away from each other for 2 months, wouldn’t make sense why she all of the sudden would reach for him to be in bed with her) and the hot tub might be before Coop says either y’all are together or not. The hot tub scene is ironically the scene throwing me off. I’m glad for the parallel but they’re also in a weird place so I wonder if they’ll finish that scene with or without another argument taking place…

When he shows up at the door, I don’t think he actually was showing up for her (even tho this IS her house sir lmao) because there’s another quick clip of Liv standing at the door like an awkward interaction just took place. He shows up maybe looking for Coop or something, a quick convo, and then he leaves. So definitely not heavily interacting with each other at that point which is why I think maybe that’s near the beginning of the episode and then that’s where the hot tub comes in later. But before the Christmas party.

Now, I know we know it’s Liv hugging him bc the lil edge of her shirt. When I saw it the first time I thought it was Simone lmao. Her arm looked darker to me at first and she also has curly hair in the beginning of the trailer. But idk, I guess I questioned if it was Liv at first moreso based on his posture, he looks …uncomfortable (like when you’re experiencing intense emotions that has you kinda stuck and someone’s trying to comfort you) and just the fact that I’ve never seen her embrace him that way with his arms down. She usually hugs his neck but I also suspect that the “I’ve never asked you to give up anything for me” is their breakup convo…. I could imagine that this was an extremely emotional hug and maybe that’s why the set up of it looks so unusual for a Spelivia hug.

Either way, I have strong suspicion that a huge shift is happening at the end of episode 1 for them. The trailer seems to be baiting us since people said they would stop watching if they broke them up. They’re gonna grab us back in for the first (or maybe a couple) episodes and then snatch them away.

What annoys me about this trailer is that there’s still no insight on her thoughts. There’s literally nothing we didn’t already know or suspect from the way we left off in season 4. I can’t wait to hear her response to Coop because I actually would like to hear and understand her reasoning too. Spencer seems fed up in that convo and I can’t say I blame him. I just desperately want to hear her argument at this point. Though, I still think that even if she dropped the article it wouldn’t solve everything atp, I still need her to communicate out of her mouth exactly what she’s feeling and thinking so the audience can at least have clarity on her perspective. But based off S4 finale, I’m sure whatever they wrote for her to say still won’t make a lick of sense.

The trailer didn’t make me excited (after the first watch or two that is lmao), I’m just weary that a real break up is coming and they put all that in the trailer to bait us while they will continue to terrorize us with awful writing and character development.

[faeriecap]

HELLO tell me more about the married at first sight au & also setting the woods on 🔥? 👀🌟💕

AJDHDJEJWJWJ so ummmmm idk if you’ve ever SEEN the american reality show Married at First Sight but it’s basically exactly how it sounds, a bunch of single people meet with a group of match makers that includes like a therapist and a pastor and a love expert or smth and then they’re paired up in sponsored weddings where they don’t meet their future spouse until they’re literally at the alter.

anyways my mom got super into reality tv during 2018-2020 and i had to watch a TON of it so i got into the habit of plotting aus. essentially steve and bucky sign up for it but steve gets a nasty shock when his husband to be ends up being the cute boy he met on a school trip to europe then lost all contact with after they went back to their respective homes.

steve’s like ummmm pretty sure i have to back out now even though this is the fucking chance of a lifetime bc this is against the shows rules wait why isn’t bucky saying anything ??? SURPRISE. bucky got amnesia in an accident after high school and now anyone mentioning his life pre-accident makes him extremely upset!!!!! plus he has no memory of meeting steve and never told his family about him so everyone thinks he’s a real stranger! oh no…. what is steve to do???

(steve also looks extremely different (think catfa to infinity war) so he’s not even really recognizable in old photos)

snippet: "You were best friends during the self proclaimed best summer of your life and you never even sent the guy an email?" Sam deadpans.

"Or a friend request? Yeesh." Clint supplies.

"This was pre social media!” Steve protests. “There was no Facebook. There was not even a THE Facebook!"

moving on to 2nwstwof (hahdjejajskdkdkdjsj) this is the midwestern steve au im p sure i have explained in an ask to @kleenexwoman BUT essentially it’s an au where everything is the same except sarah and joseph rogers settle in Kansas instead of brooklyn after arriving from ireland so steve grows up a little farm boy and he and bucky survive the dustbowl instead of the big city depression, they end up in california, and also bucky and rebecca are half lenape

here’s one of the only passages i ever wrote for it:

"Christ."

It was something they always said, the both of them. They'd picked it up from Sarah herself: Jesus Christ, Mary, and Joseph! Steven you get down from that roof!

And yet, "James Buchanan Barnes, don't ye dare to take the lord's name in vain!"

She was always admonishing him like that, even when she knew it was rare his family went to Church. Sometimes, when she said it, it felt like she meant it. And visions of Sarah would come to Bucky's mind, in the creaky frame of the church, knees to the dusty floor, back arched over a pews. Tears in her eyes as she whispered to Her. Murmured softly, gently. Paper things, lace wing things, secret things, soft as a winter cloud pulled thin like cotton across the sky. Lady things. Sarah Rogers and Her Lady Grace. Or Mary. Somebody.

Other times, she'd just sound tired, no different from yelling at the two of them for any of their other antics: letting Maggie the barn owl roost in George's study when she'd busted a wing, nibbling the crusts off the pie Mrs. O'Calahan left on the sill to cool one Sunday in town, trying to paint faces on the spots of an old heifer with the oil set ordered for Steve out of the Sears catalogue and shipped over by the railcars they were forbidden from ever trying to hop on the back of (after that unfortunate first incident).

Tired like if there was anything to set fear into their bellies or their mortal hearts, it wasn't gonna be no Jesus Christ. Exhaustion that always felt a little bit empty. Ghosts hustling in the nooks and crannies of his hallways. Eyes against the glass in the dark. Snatches of stories running ragged through his dreams, swimming in a sea of covers, floating in a giant iron bed. Empty. Absent, the feeling that something was missing. Missing from you.

She’d meet his big, brown eyes over Steve's head, bent over news scraps and a stick of charcoal. And hers were always small, and soft, and seaglass blue.

Yes. They'd say to one another without words. Yes, you know. They stole from you too. They stole it from you too.

To him, Jesus Christ wasn't a ghost. Or a god. Or probably, even a person. Christ. A mutter, a giggle, an exhalation. A Nothing word. It was a cuss, just like any other cuss. It was a name he couldn't pronounce because he didn't care to, jargon he let fall from his tongue like scuffed pebbles into pools of stale rainwater.

[theangelyouknew]

So, I want to talk about my weird experience with Harry Potter. Why it’s specifically weird for me to think about the franchise these days.

I’ll start out with JK Rowling is transphobic trash. Get that out of the way.

Ever since these damn books came out, I’ve never been allowed to really experience these books in my own way. Not entirely. Yes, they shaped my teens, but not in the way I think a lot of people see it.

My grandma got me the books against my will for Christmas. I had zero interest in them. My other grandparents were visiting that summer (the summer between 8th and 9th grade) and my stepmom, who wanted to read the books herself? Got mad that I still hadn’t read them. She said she couldn’t read them until I did because they were mine. So I was grounded until I read them.

Again. My other grandparents were visiting from out of state. I was grounded until I read these books. There were 3 of them at the time. I read them as fast as I could. I think it took me like 3 days. I concentrated so hard despite my ADHD that I made myself sick from lack of eating. Cuz I wanted to see my grandparents. Thankfully the books held my interest or it would have been pure torture.

That’s one direction I was pulled into.

That fall, I, who had no friends, was invited to go to a school mate’s church. I had been going for a month or so when they told me Harry Potter is evil. I had to get rid of the books.

I asked my stepmom if I could get rid of the books church didn’t like. When she asked what books, I said “Harry Potter.” She flipped the fuck out. Said if I got rid of them I wouldn’t be allowed to go to church ever again. I had to compromise and put my books in a box under my bed and just not touch them if I really didn’t want to read them.

That’s another direction I was pulled in regards to Harry Potter.

So I have these books in my room making me feel guilty at church. The movie comes out. I have to go see it with the family. The entire time, I’m praying god won’t send me to hell cuz I still got the church in my ear telling me how bad Harry Potter is. My parents get the movie when it’s on idk if it was dvd yet or still vhs honestly by that time, but I remember sitting in the living room to “rewatch” it and just staring out the window bc I can’t enjoy it. Thanks god.

I spent years with her vs the church in my head. Both were wrong. But ultimately the church kicked me out when I turned 18, and I lived with her so it was easy to enjoy it. Besides; i was a huge alan rickman fan so, hell yeah Snape.

So this franchise was shoved down my throat and simultaneously vilified during some of my most life altering years of my life.

I don’t remember what my favorite color was BEFORE Harry Potter. But I can tell you now, it’s green. But if you look at everything I do, i instinctively gravitate towards blues. Blue car. Blue bike. Blue hair (ok that changes often), blue WEDDING DRESS, but if you ask me I always say green. For slytherin. But is green my favorite color? I don’t know. Most people around me assumes it’s blue.

If I had never been forced to read Harry Potter, would I have cared about it? Turned it into part of my personality? Honestly I doubt it. I mean I might have watched the movies eventually, but I wouldn’t have gotten so attached. Cuz it wouldn’t have mattered.

If I hadn’t I’d the church trying to pry it away from me would i feel the way do now? Probably not. It’d just be another book series. I might not have had my stepmom freak out and force it harder down my throat. Idk.

Both these scenarios were WRONG and extreme. And frustrating to think about now. And because JK is trash, with harmful world views, I’m being told once again how to feel about the books and world this garbage queen wrote.

And it wouldn’t be so hard to let go a book series if it wasn’t put on such weird pedestals in my life to begin with. It’s just a book series. It’s not a fucking life style. The story itself not a moral right or wrong. (The author is, don’t give her money fuck her) but at the end of the day the books themselves are dime a dozen at thrift shops and shit.

Also if you have kids and they don’t want to read a book, don’t force it. Holy hell.

[thetaekookcloset]

Okay I really hate to bring this up once again ☹️

We know that the new batch has so many sus bits that could be editing flaws. In the blurred out pic that they teased there wasn't even the scaft but the newer one has...

I'm very skepticle about how this GH person could get hands on those photos if they are real. And how could they be real if they all look that weird? Wouldn't the companies press charges if there were real breaches? They sue people for less.

But take a look at this post. It's by a ta*nnie but well it seems like she really does have things in the photo: slippers, bracelet, skirt, that hat that he wore. He also has those slippers and well the scar (it's still there 2 months later when he was in Paris)

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cim_PoFjDTA/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

So could GH really edit all those bits together? Bc if they couldn't then there has to be a very good cosplayer to literally wear all the things she has to take these pics.

But again, if the pictures are real and they are really dating, why would they go to the most touristy spots in Jeju and no one recognized them? How? Tae when to Hawaii and people spotted him there. They are the most famous persons in SK rn, there faces are all over the places, how could people not recognized them? Did they really took a normal flight? 2 billionaires in a secret relationship that they have to hide from the public?

And about the cats series, it seems to be the same cat bc I would assume that it's not easy to fake a bicolor cat bc of the fur color distribution. However, why would J's mother has a cat and let that same cat rolling on J's bed while she's allergic?

I don't think it's media play bc I feel like GH is definitely doing this for attention now, whether they actually have any real infos or not. YG could take advantage of this for BP comeback. Hybe's motive is unclear to me.

So idk things just don't line up. If they are real and it's a new thing since May then why the heck were Taekook still lovey dovey in June in that Bangtan Bomb we just saw?

Please let me know your thoughts 🥺

Hey!  So I just wrote up an answer to another ask which pretty much covers my own personal theory of what’s going on here.

I think all of your questions are perfectly good ones.  I agree that all of these details simply do not seem to line up.  Not to repeat myself too much, but like I said earlier, I think there are far more reasons to be skeptical than there are to believe in all of this.

As for the identifying details in the photos that make them seem more likely to actually be Tae and Jennie, the truth is that yes, it’s entirely possible for those things to be edited in, and it’s also possible for people to just have the same items.  There’s no reason it has to be all one or the other either.  Some could be real items photographed, while others could be added in after the fact.

I’ll say it again, but of course there’s always the chance that Tae and Jennie could be dating (or friends), but I don’t think these photos are legitimate.  I think the more photos come out, the more obvious it is that whoever is behind sharing them is just a mess making a mess.  At most, maybe they genuinely suspect Tae and Jennie are actually dating and they just want proof because they’re obsessed.

ETA: I forgot to address the media play aspect when I first posted, but I also don’t think that seems likely.  I do think it’s possible that the one or both companies recognize that there could be some unintended benefit to these rumors and they might be happy to take advantage of that, but personally, I don’t see why either company would orchestrate such a ridiculous plot, or what they would stand to gain in any significant way by doing so.

Personally, I remain completely unconvinced.  I don’t think they’re dating.  I don’t think it’s likely that Tae is romantically interested in women at all (possible yes, but not likely imo).  There is no consistent story of how the photos have gotten out to be able to think it’s likely or not.  I still think Taehyung and Jungkook act in ways that are consistent with the ways they’ve acted for years -- ways that appear quite couple-y to me.  And regardless of whether or not Tae and Jungkook are actually in a relationship, it still seems clear that their bond is in good shape, and I still don’t think it’s likely that Taehyung is dating Jennie.

[screechingdinosaurchopshop]

I’m taking a good thing and turning it into goodbye.

Kyle doesn’t recognize himself anymore since moving in - I’m to blame for that. I’m making him cuss and yell and fight in front of brooks.

One week.

Fucking hell Rachel don’t let the best thing leave because you can’t get out of your head!!!

Hi babessssss. Your final Christmas gift is something you’re not expecting but I think it’s necessary. An explanation for my recent behavior.

It doesn’t make sense and for that I’m sorry. I was testing you. For what or why I don’t know. J used to threaten me with leaving or talking to someone. I know my trauma is my responsibility and my only purpose in this is to explain. I wanted to make sure you meant it when you said you weren’t going to leave or purposely hurt me.

I hit rock bottom though and I seriously fully intend to not get to that point again.

Idk if you remember but last Christmas you sent a text saying hopefully this is the last Christmas we’re not together & I’m so grateful/thankful/blessed that’s my reality- hopefully it’ll be my reality for the rest of my life.

^ I started this after the first fight with the dog shit and the vacuum- not sure why I didn’t finish it or just send that?

Got distracted - went to read the last note I wrote on my app about all things you & me. My anxious thoughts:

“So I was just going to tell you this in the morning when you call, but I didn’t want to wait. Also figured you’d read this when you wake up ☺️ Thank you for loving me and sending me that text before bed. I’m getting in bed with the biggest freaking smile on my face bc of it. This season of life is crazy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know how you feel (maybe not exactly the same) but I feel sad when y’all leave me after being together all weekend. So I really can’t wait for November. All the sleepovers and togetherness is going to be amazing. “

^ I wanna get back to this girl -STATasap.

Just heard a commercial with a cat and teared up because I miss nally so much. I love you and the boys down past my core, but I’m waaaay outnumbered.

“I don’t think I said this earlier in person, so I apologize, BUT I appreciate you so much for following me with the nail and letting me take your car to church and just being caring/concerned. I know it wasn’t a Sunday watching football on the couch, but it means a lot. I really have not had that in a life partner before so I’m sorry I went straight to wanting to call my dad. It’s just what I’ve done before I was married and then when I was bc J sucks. “

This is just another reason of you contributing & taking care of me. I’m sorry I really struggle with believe I’m deserving of any type of care. (Thought was waaaaaaay before we started dating back to me telling my dad I thought something was wrong with my mom and she was one person before school confident sweet and caring and after school she was cold sad and depressing/hurt- but also triggered me when you said it today in the car and I lashed out because I felt attacked and brooks was in the car.) also these fights are contributing to my trauma & I realize that is not what I need or want you for, but more respect you for putting up with me and not giving up.

But anywho like I think who I was when I was sending those is someone you were happy with and not questioning which Rachel you’d be walking into.. you used to reply to them and it’s okay if you don’t anymore, I just liked the reassurance.

I feel like that was bitchy and I’m sorry. That was also why I asked you what’s something that we both think is bitchy since I know brooks can’t read yet, but he’d ask what it says so I wrote my foot on the mirror. 😂😂😂

Bitchy in how I’m talking. I dunno. I’m sorry if it’s written rudely I just don’t know. I don’t know why I’m now like scared to talk to you now but it’s really bothering me. 😅

I’m not proofreading this so I’ll probably cringe when you read this or I’ll be asleep. You’re the best friend, lover, man partner, father, daddy😉👦🏼, teacher, coach, godly man I’ve ever met. How and why would I ever fuck that up to this point?! I meant what I said earlier. I’m starting over this year with trying on the controlling feelings on my part. I don’t have to take everything in the world so personally. I’m not a stuck up bitch. I’m afraid the anxiety about work and stuff is going to be there til I get my depression in check and/or get a new job. But mama wants a home with you, brooks, maxxy poo, booboo& dew so that new job is on hold and a new car for me. I want the Tessie because I want you and brooks & the pups forever and ever amen.

Holy fuck. I told you about when I wanted to die. And how I paced around the whole house for 8 hours. If you wanna know more about it let me know or if you wanna hear about it Jonathan knows. He’s the reason I’m still here so if you ever question my friendship ( don’t worry I do sometimes haha 😂) with him, that’s why. He’s like my little brother.

What do you think of this?

No I didn’t tell her that, just had the thought and wanted to share. Again. I don’t know how to talk about things with you, but I guess I can write it out. If you wanna do it, let me know I’ll call Fido’s and ask my mom to watch dew .

You just rolled over and put your arm around me. I think I could melt in your arms forever. I am going to make the best of this week and just pray often you don’t walk away from this.

Last thing and I’m going to shut my brain off - I want to text lauren in that group text about brooks birthday & just say like so excited for brooks birthday party- hope y’all are on the mend from covid- happy new year! 🎊

Wanted to get your thoughts tho before sending it. Forever hoping we’re going to going together but I know. I’m taking it a day at a time.

Please play Xbox again tho & lock the door just tell me that’s what’s happening or you need to be alone and I’ll fuck off.

You haven’t asked, but with our fighting aside I did have a great time off with you. I know you probably think it’s crazy I’m saying that, but I’m blessed and grateful for you every damn day.

I lover you handsome.

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

Peanut butter sandwich

Word count: 1524

Genre: Fluffy angst

Pairing: Natasha x gn!reader

Warnings: None (let me know if I need to add any)

Request: natasha coming home from a hard mission to find r preparing a peanut butter sandwich for her. she breaks into tears from the nice gesture and r comforts her with food and a big hug. idk i just love soft nat things

Summary: When Natasha comes home from a bad mission you are there to comfort her.

A/n: Ngl I forgot about this request (sorry anon) but it's amazing so as soon as I saw it again I immediately wrote it bc I also love soft nat things. I hope you all are doing well and looking forward to the fact that I'm going to try to post a fic a day for the rest of winter break at least since there's not much to do anyways. I hope you all enjoy and don't forget that requests are always open!

It had been midnight when you were woken up by a call from Steve saying Natasha had returned from her mission. At first you had been confused because usually after a mission Natasha will just slip into bed beside you and you won’t find out until you morning but Steve had quickly explained that while he didn’t know full details something had gone wrong and Natasha was upset. So now you were standing in the kitchen in the middle of the night making a peanut butter sandwich and waiting for Natasha to come home.

You aren’t sure why she likes peanut butter sandwiches so much, you prefer if they have jelly or banana added in but for some reason they are Natasha’s comfort food for whenever she is feeling upset. You’re curious about what happened on the mission but you know you probably won’t find out until the morning. Your main focus when Natasha walks in the door should be making sure she is okay. Besides, even if Natasha did feel like talking about it she isn’t the most reliable narrator when she thinks something is her fault and you trust Fury to tell the story in a more neutral way.

When Natasha walks in the door at precisely 12:23 you immediately can see why Steve felt the need to call you. She doesn’t look injured and to anyone who didn’t know her as well as you did it would look as though everything is fine. But you can see the way her shoulders are slumped and how her steps aren’t as careful and silent as they usually are. And when she looks up in surprise at the light being on and your eyes meet you can see the guilt and sadness playing out in her mind.

“Y/n?”

You give her a smile. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“What are you doing up?”

“Steve called and told me it was a tough mission so I wanted to be here when you got back.”

“He shouldn’t have woken you up, I am fine.” Natasha says but her voice does not match the confidence of her words. In fact you might have even heard her voice crack a tiny bit when she said she was fine.

“Tasha…” you warn. You don’t like it when she tries to pretend she’s all strong and hides her true feelings from you. Most people would assume missions don’t affect her but you know better and you know she takes any loss harder than anyone and always blames herself.

“I’m all good. I promise.” she says. Her voice which is pitched significantly higher than normal doesn’t convince you at all and she knows it but you also know when to leave her alone. If you push her too much she’ll just close off further.

“Okay. I made you a sandwich if you want it.”

“Peanut butter?” Natasha asks curiously, stepping into the kitchen and sniffing. If the mood wasn’t so serious you would have giggled at how cute she looks sniffing the air like a bunny rapid.

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

You watch as she steps around you, swings herself up so she’s sitting on the counter and picks up half of the sandwich and takes a bite, avoiding your eyes the entire time. You don’t want to stare and make her uncomfortable but you also don’t want to leave her alone so as she eats you busy yourself with getting a glass of water, adding ice cubes and a slice of lemon just so it takes longer.

When you turn back around you are surprised and concerned to find Natasha already on the second half of the sandwich with tears slowly rolling down her face. Natasha never cries and now you don’t know what to do.

“Tasha,” you say softly, “what’s wrong?”

Your words seem to do the opposite of your intention which was to calm her down because now her tears are falling faster and the silence is broken by sobs. Her shoulders are shaking violently and she has stopped chewing with food still in her mouth, making you slightly concerned that she might choke.

Instinct takes over and you’re across the room in a second, setting your glass down on the counter and prying the rest of the sandwich from her hands and dropping it on her plate. One hand makes its way up to her face trying and failing to wipe away the tears that just keep coming and the other finds her back, rubbing up and down in what you hope is soothing motions.

“Hey, hey, I’ve got you. But I need you to try to swallow for me okay?”

She nods and swallows and now that you no longer have to worry about her choking you try to calm her.

“Have some water.” you tell her, not ask her and bring the glass that was originally supposed to be for you up to her lips. She sniffles and takes uneven breaths but manages to take a few sips before pushing it away.

“Do you need anything else?”

“Just you.” Natasha says softly and you can feel your heart breaking for her. “Please.”

“Come here.”

Natasha melts at your words, leaning forwards and wrapping her arms around you tightly. You continue to rub her back with one hand and tangle the other in her hair, helping guide her head into the crook of your neck. The positioning is a little bit awkward as she is still sitting on the counter and you are standing in front of her but you don’t care that your hips hurt from being pressed into the marble, all you care about is trying to provide some comfort to Natasha.

You aren’t sure how long you stay there as she continues crying into your shoulder but eventually the tears turn to sniffles and her breathing starts to even out. Just as you think she might be starting to calm down a new wave of tears start.

“It’s all my fault.” she sobs.

“That’s not true.”

“You weren’t there, you don’t know what happened.”

“You’re right.” you tell her. “But I do know that you are the best person I know and you always try your hardest to do what is right. And I know you have a bad habit of blaming yourself for things that are out of your control.”

“I should have been better.”

Your heart breaks a little more for her at her words. You still have no idea what happened but it’s obvious Natasha blames herself and you don’t know how to convince her otherwise. She is so focused on what ifs that she doesn’t see how much good she has done in this world.

“You already are amazing baby, I doubt it’s possible to be much better.”

“But I should have been.”

You sigh but don’t deny her words because if you do it will just lead to a back and forth argument that will get you nowhere. The more Natasha argues the more stubborn she will get about the fact that it is all her fault and the harder it will be to convince her otherwise in the morning.

“You need sleep.”

“No.”

Despite how upset she is you can’t help but laugh a little at her pouty tone. “What do you mean no? You just came back from a mission and it’s the middle of the night.”

“I wanna stay here with you.”

She really is too cute right now and you feel guilty that a small part of you likes the fact that she’s upset because it means you can hold her and comfort her like this, in a way she doesn’t allow when she is feeling her best.

“The bed is more comfortable for cuddling.”

“Fine.”

You’re expecting her to let go so you’re surprised when she only holds you tighter and scooches forward on the counter, wrapping her legs around your torso. It’s only when she begins to shift her weight off the counter and onto you that you realise that she means for you to carry her into the bedroom. It’s not far and Natasha is small but she is almost all muscle so it is much harder to carry her than you might think. But you are determined not to drop her so you manage to make it to the bed.

As soon as you plop her down she opens her eyes and reaches up with her hands and you decide that you don’t need to use the covers if it means wasting time you could be using to hold Nat so you fall into bed next to her and scoop her back up into your arms. She falls asleep almost immediately and you try to stay awake to enjoy the feeling of her in your arms but you can’t help but drift off to the sound of her deep breathing. You know tomorrow will be hard and Natasha will still be upset but you are going to do everything in your power to make her feel better and you make a mental reminder to thank Steve for doing the same.

[procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics]

Yggdrasil

Summary: How can you tell your father what happened to you when he’d done it to so many others.

Pairing: father!King Harald x daughter!reader; platonic!Ivar x reader; Ubbe x reader

Tags: @alicedopey​

Notes: big tw! This fic discusses the aftermath of rape and s/a, abortion, and suicide attempts, do not read if this will upset you!

idk, I’ve been in a horrible mental state lately (bc stuff) and I wrote this to cope.This is not about anyone mentioned in the pairings being involved in the rape! Just wanted to clear that up...

It eats away at you. You’re glad your father isn’t here to see you, because then, he’d know something was wrong. Halfdan is too busy to notice that something is wrong as of yet.

 You can’t help but blame yourself. You could fight, and yet, they’d overpowered you in your own town.

 Furs surround you as you lie in bed, trying not to think about what happened, but your body is still in pain. Bruises and cuts litter your back and arms as you stare at the ceiling. You can’t leave your room because the streets of Tamdrup will only remind you what happened.

 The room is a safe haven, but you wonder how long you can stay in here. It’s already been two days.

 Thralls bring you food. Only one servant, an old woman you’d known since childhood called Thordís knows what happened. The others don’t dare to ask.

 When there’s a knock at the door, you turn your back to it, covering yourself with even more furs. You know that knock.

 Halfdan.

 He comes in regardless of your silence.

 “Why are you in your room all the time?” he asks.

 “Go away.” You tell him. You know what your father and uncle do on raids. They know you’ve always disapproved. Now, the knowledge of what they do makes you sick.

 He stays. Finally, you throw a candleholder at him, and he leaves you alone.

 That night, your dreams suffocate you and you wake up with a strangled scream ripping from your throat. Halfdan bursts through the door, axe in hand.

 “It was just a nightmare.” You tell him, and he’s ready to turn around when you stop him. You aren’t sure why.

 “Will you stay?” you ask. Halfdan looks confused, but obliges, settling down at the side of your bed. It’s something you used to do often when you were a small girl. You were afraid of the thunder, and when storms came, Halfdan would sit on the floor and guard your bed.

 He does it now, and you manage to fall asleep again.

 ***

 The next morning, you hear voices in your room and almost jolt awake before you remember that you asked Halfdan to guard you in the night.

 He’s talking to your father. Harald has returned from whatever matter he was attending to. You pretend to sleep, listening to their conversation.

 “What are you doing in my daughters’ room, brother?” Harald asks.

 You think Halfdan shrugs. “She had a nightmare.”

 “Is she still asleep?” Harald asks. He probably wants to talk to you or spend time with you, but you don’t have the energy.

 “Yeah.” Halfdan replies. They leave the room, and you sigh in relief.

 A few hours later, Thordís opens the door. You turn at her quiet steps. The woman who basically raised you after your mother died has a sad smile on her face.

 “I brought you some herbs.” She says, beginning to make them into a tea.

 You don’t have to ask which herbs because you know. You nod, unable to speak and she sets the cup down on a table close to your bed.

 “Don’t tell my father.” You beg her.

 “I would never do that to you, child.” She replies, before scurrying out of the room. She still calls you child, even now, when you’ve lost all your innocence.

 You stare at the herbs but can’t bring yourself to take them. Instead, you pick up your favorite dagger.

 The shame raging in your body intensifies. Killing yourself is cowardly, dishonorable, but you don’t know what to do.

 You’re a princess, you’re supposed to marry and then have many heirs, but even the thought of sleeping with someone makes you want to vomit. You enjoyed it before, but now…

 The dagger is cool against the skin of your wrist as you drag it across. Scarlet droplets fall onto your furs and nightgown. The nightgown you’ve worn since that night, unable to look at your own body.

 Silent tears stream across your face. Your own cowardice and weakness disgusts you and you feel guilty. Your father and uncle will go to Valhalla, where your mother is already waiting, and you will forsake your place at their side for this.

 Your eyes grow heavy, and you let your head sink onto your pillow.

 ***

 Someone shakes you awake. You panic and your eyes snap open, ready to defend yourself when you see your father.

 You’ve never seen him look this panicked.

 His eyes are red, and that tells you he’s cried. Thordís stands in the doorway, shaking as a healer is wrapping your wrist. Halfdan paces in your room.

 Harald cups your face, and you know he’s trying to keep it together. You feel even guiltier.

 “What were you thinking?” he asks, “I leave, and you are fine and then I come back to you slitting your wrist?” he looks exasperated, at a loss for words. Suddenly, he lets you go and looks around the room.

 His eyes fall on the herbs and the tea, and you see that he begins to suspect something. Not rape, not yet.

 “I’m sorry.” You cry, “I’m so sorry father.”

 “Why?” he asks. You stare straight ahead. Blood soaks the bed around you as you think of what happened and the price you’re paying for it.

 “OUT! ALL OF YOU, OUT!” he yells, and they all leave.

 His voice hits you like a whip, and you try to make yourself even smaller, edging away from him.

 “I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.” You cry, burying your head in your hands again.

 Harald moves closer slowly. His hand almost touches your neck, covered by a shawl. When you feel him begin to unwind the shawl, you feel paralyzed, the bruises beginning to burn.

 You can’t bear to look at him.

 He inhales sharply when he sees the bruises, blotchy handprints mixed with forced hickeys.

 “Who did this to you?” he asks, his voice dangerously low. You don’t respond.

 He stands up and paces around the room. “WHO?” he repeats, and you flinch away from him.

 “I don’t know.” You whisper.

 Harald sits back down and puts a gentle but firm hand under your chin, forcing you to look at him. His eyes are dark, violent.

 “I don’t know.” You repeat. “I know I ruined your plans, father, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let them- “

 He interrupts you. “It wasn’t your fault, but I swear by the Gods, I will find whoever did this and make them wish they’d never been born.”

 You nod and begin to grab the tea, but he stops you.

 “I’ve heard they’re dangerous. You shouldn’t risk it.”

 “This isn’t like the other times. They didn’t care if I got pregnant.” Shame heats up your face as you finally confess the truth to him.

 “There were six of them. I’ll take the risk.”

 Before he can stop you, you chug the bitter brew.

 “Why didn’t you tell me?” Harald asks.

 “How could I? Do you think I don’t know what you do to women? I could ignore it before, but now it makes me sick. I know what it feels like and to think that my own father did this-“ you shake, before continuing, “Get out. I can’t even look at you without thinking about what they did.”

 He pales at those words, but as you look at him with an expression of disgust, he stands and leaves the room, shoulders hunched.

 ***

 You can’t sleep because your insides feel like they are knotting together. You vomit, the fourth time this night as Thordís rubs careful circles over your back.

 Despite your cruel words, you can hear your father pacing outside the door, agitated as he worries that his only child will die after all.

 Fate has something else in store for you, and you make it through the next few days. With the help of Thordís, you manage to take small walks through your hometown.

 When Harald and Halfdan announce they’re going to Kattegat, you go with them. You need to go. It’s been two months and the excuses you can tell your people are running out.

 Kattegat is blissfully familiar, untainted by violent memories.

 “Will you come on the raid with us?” Halfdan asks as you sit in the longhouse. Harald stands off to the side, while Thordís unpacks your things.

 “You know I can’t.” you press out. You asked Thordís to tell him because you couldn’t bear to do it again. Halfdan nods.

 “Your betrothal to Ubbe-“ Harald begins with a sigh.

 “I’ll still marry him.” You reply. You’d thought about it for a long time. If Halfdan and Harald were going to leave for the Mediterranean, you’d need someone to help you rule Vestfold. And Ubbe was kind, understanding. You’d slept with him before, you’d known him for a long time. You’d take him over a myriad of other suitors.

 “I’ve thought about it.” You assure Harald, who still looks worried.

 “Aslaug wants you to get married before we leave.” Harald says and you swallow.

 “Fine.”

 ***

 The feast is loud and uncomfortable, and you retreat into a corner. Normally, you’d be in the middle of it, drinking and talking.

 Ivar sits down next to you. You can tell he knows that something is different. Thankfully, he doesn’t talk about it.

 “You should be talking to your husband-to-be.” Ivar says, almost angrily.

 For the first time in two months, you quirk a small smile. “We won’t stop being friends, you know.” You reply.

 Your friendship was an accident really. You were the same age and when you’d visited Kattegat as a four-year-old, you’d stolen some cakes from the kitchen. Ivar had helped you hide after you promised him undying loyalty, a promise he still expected you to uphold.

 Well, he’d always been extremely demanding.

 “I’m going to raid with Ragnar. In England.” Ivar admonishes. You set down your cup.

 “Excuse you?” you’d heard that Ragnar had returned of course, but you’d also heard in which manner he’d returned.

 Ivar shrugs. “Hvitserk and Bjorn are leaving for the Mediterranean and I take it you’ll take Ubbe to Tamdrup with me. I’m not staying here with Sigurd.”

 “So come to Tamdrup with me.” You say.

 “I’ve made up my mind.” Ivar says.

 “You’re an idiot.” You reply. Your expression softens and you take Ivar’s hand. “Don’t get yourself killed over there.”

 When Ubbe approaches, Ivar rolls his eyes and leaves.

 Ubbe sits down next to you, taking a drink from his cup.

 “We’re getting married.” He says.

 “Strange how the world works, eh?” you reply.

 Ubbe chuckles. “We always knew how to have a good time together, so I’m not to worried.” He smirks flirtatiously.

 Instantly, you feel guilty. If you keep this a secret your wedding night and marriage will be a nightmare for you. If you tell him, he might break off the engagement.

 You put a hand on his arm decidedly. “About that. We have to talk. Do you know somewhere more private?”

 There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes as he nods. Ubbe escorts you to his longhouse, leaving the sounds of the feast behind. You sigh deeply as he closes the door behind him.

 His reaction isn’t at all what you expected. Ubbe’s face turns from confusion, to anger, to worry as he listens to your story.

 “I just wanted to be honest.” You finish.

 “We don’t have to.” Ubbe replies in an assuring voice. “Not until you’re ready.”

 Relief floods you as you hug him tightly.

 ***

 Your goodbye to Halfdan and Harald is hard but saying goodbye to Ivar is even worse. You doubt that this will be a successful raid.

 Ubbe stands behind you. You have begun to truly love your new husband, who respects that you can’t sleep with him yet and comforts you if you wake from nightmares.

 Ivar stares up at you, a slightly bratty expression on his face.

 “What?” he asks.

 “If you die on me, I’ll find a way to bring you back to life so I can kill you again for leaving.” You say. Ivar smiles, and you hug him goodbye. Aslaug comforts you as you watch your friend sail away.

 Then, you turn to Ubbe.

 “Are you ready to leave?” you ask, and he nods.

 You agreed with your father that it would be good to have Ubbe by your side in his absence. A few warriors are loading crates with goods onto the ships you brought from Tamdrup and Thordís overlooks the thralls.

 Quickly, you say goodbye to Aslaug and Sigurd before boarding a ship. Ubbe follows.

 ***

 Sitting in your father’s throne, you listen to the problems and quarrels the people bring before you. Ubbe has been good company and gives wise advice. In time, the two of you will hopefully make good rulers.

 When two brothers come forward, explaining their fight over a woman, Ubbe helps them while you look around the room.

 That is when you see them. They sit at the back, drinking. Are they oblivious to you sitting on your father’s throne?

 You know you are paling. When Ubbe says your name and you don’t respond, he follows your eyes and sees them.

 “I need a break.” You tell him.

 Ubbe claps his hands. “We’ll resume in a few minutes, for now, my wife and I must discuss an important matter.”

 He turns to a guard and in a quieter voice, he adds, “Close the doors. Make sure no one leaves.”

 You take his hand and lead him to your quarters.

 “It’s them.” You say. Ubbe nods, “I figured. I should bloodeagle them. For what they did to you.”

 A strong, but gentle hand carefully tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. You enjoy the touch, strangely enough.

 “My father and uncle would want the same, but I don’t want them to reach Valhalla. I’m not taking any chances.”

 “Then what do we do?” he asks.

 Your smile turns malicious as you ponder over your revenge. “Invite them for dinner.”

 Ubbe nods slightly. “Sounds good.”

 ***

 The healer gives you her most painful poison without question.

 When you ask what it does, her old face seems to turn reminiscent. “It makes your skin burn from the inside. Makes you scratch it off until you die. Quite a lot of women use it to kill their husbands.”

 You nod, and let it disappear in your dress sleeve.

 That night, you ask Thordís to serve the ale, to which she happily agrees.

 You and Ubbe take your seats when the men walk inside. They are talking and laughing with each other.

 Two guards close the doors to the Great Hall before they can even get a look at you.

 When they do, their laughter stills.

 The things you chose to wear tonight were intentional. After you were raped, you threw the dress away, but you kept the jewelry because you didn’t want your father to suspect something.

 It was the first time you’d worn them in three months, the pale stones that hung heavy around your neck and ears. Your dress had been picked out carefully by Thordís and your crown was the one Harald had had made for you when you were born.

 You know you radiate power.

 “Sit.” It isn’t a question, but a cold command. They are all pale now, their confidence diminished. A guard pushes the ringleader in the seat across from you. Ubbe wants to jump up and kill them, you know that, but he keeps his composure. For now.

 When they begin eating and drinking, they seem relieved. Well, their first cups weren’t poisoned. You couldn’t make any guarantees for the refills though.

 Thordís goes around with a neutral expression as she refills their cups. You want to kill one of them as he gropes her, but she doesn’t say anything.

 They begin dying soon after that.

 Only their leader remains, not having finished his cup. You pour him a new one, setting it down at his place at the table.

 The sounds of his companions must be agonizing for him as he sits there, knowing exactly what his fate will be.

 “Drink.” You command him. He refuses, of course, as the screams of his companions reach a crescendo.

 Suddenly, Ubbe stands up and walks across the room and punches the man in the face. He does it so forcefully he knocks a few teeth out. Then, Ubbe slams the man on the table, hands around his neck.

 “You raped my wife.” He growls, his fingers closing in. You stop him and give him the cup.

 The man shakes his head, begging, but Ubbe forces the ale down his throat.

 You look on in disgust as the man writhes on the floor.

 The moment he stills, the doors to the Great Hall burst open. You turn to see your father and Halfdan stand there, warriors not far behind.

 Harald counts them, getting to six and looks at you.

 “You couldn’t wait?” he asks. Somehow, he manages to sound disappointed.

 “No.” you reply.

 Harald roughly kicks one of the corpses out of his way as he walks towards you. He hugs you tightly, and you know this is his way of telling you that he loves you. Then, he turns to one of the guards.

 “Feed them to the pigs.” He commands.

 As you watch the corpses get carried away, you know that tonight, you’ll sleep a little more peacefully. For so long, you felt like you were carrying a weight equal to that of Yggdrasil, but some of that weight has been lifted and your family and husband will carry it with you now.