#wtf is up with her gay ass hat | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

likeshipsonthesea · 4 years

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mianmian gets to the lan sect lectures, discovers very quickly that every one of her peers has decided to use this time to figure out how quickly they can get into bed with someone of the opposite sex, and decides almost immediately that she has to pick a suitably unattainable guy to have a crush on.

the thing is, mianmian is lanling jin’s head disciple. she is capable, intelligent, and very very gay. the last of these things she isn’t exactly keen on telling people yet for a variety of reasons up to and including jin zixuan will be so awkward and stubbornly supportive about it and she doesn’t know how to deal with that yet

so when her friends giggle over the other young masters and finally turn to mianmian-- who’s trying to memorize at least some of the fifty-thousand rules before their quiz tomorrow--and they ask her, “who do you like, mianmian?” she says the name that she carefully picked out of a handful of options.

“lan-er-gongzi,” she says, without looking up from her textbook, and she assumes that will be the end of it.

lan wangji is both incredibly attractive and unrelentingly resistant to all attempts to flirt with him. she, like half the other female cultivators, can moon over him (or pretend to moon over him) all they want and nothing will come of it. it’s perfect. she’s a genius. the worst she’ll have to do now is pretend to be infatuated with him when her friends start gossiping. it’s fool proof.

spoiler: it’s not

it’s not, no, because her friends are horrible and immediately start gossiping about it to everyone, and usually mianmian wouldn’t care but then jin zixuan finds out. jin zixuan, whose marriage complex is being brought to center stage with the forced proximity to his bride-to-be. jin zixuan, who for some reason decided he has to live his stolen crush-addled youth vicariously through his only real friend that isn’t related to him. jin zixuan, who for some godforsaken reason takes it upon himself to contrive situations for mianmian and lan wangji to be alone together incessantly.

it unfortunately takes mianmian longer than she would like to figure out what’s happening. she’d give herself a break for it-- she was being responsible and studying, thank you very much-- but she doesn’t have much sympathy for her own stupidity seeing as she’s currently locked in a section of the lan library with the second jade of lan

and suddenly, suddenly she’s just so fucking tired. of studying, yeah, the tests here are brutal and there’s no one to bribe to make sure she doesn’t lose points on stupid things, but also tired of lying to the people she loves and tired of training this hard and being an amazing cultivator only for people to care more about her eventual marriage-- to a man of all things!-- and also, let’s be real here, she’s been in lectures with beautiful capable intelligent women for like months and she’s losing her gay ass mind

and so maybe, possibly, as she’s locked in a library with a clearly confused and annoyed second jade of lan she kind of, momentarily, loses it and rants all of this at his steadily widening eyes

at the end of it, she realizes with no small amount of panic that she’s just confessed not only her attraction to women but the fact that she’s been letting wen qing’s ears of all things distract her from her studies. if anything, she’s sure lan wangji will fault her for inattention

but the second jade of lan, after a drawn-out moment filled only with mianmian’s labored breathing and rising panic, simply says, “i understand.”

mianmian stops. she squints. she tilts her head. she squints some more. lan wangji’s ears go pink and just like that she realizes -- “you’re a cut-sleeve.”

lan wangji’s ears go even pinker. he doesn’t nod, or agree, or outwardly react in any way, but mianmian is a capable, intelligent cultivator, and she’s sure of it.

mianmian sighs with a relief she didn’t know she could feel. “thank the gods.”

lan wangji doesn’t seem to know what to make of this response, or mianmian’s increasingly frequent trips to the library following their conversation, or mianmian’s staunch determination to befriend the guy, but that’s alright. mianmian is old hat at befriending awkward sect heirs by this point.

it’s not like lan wangji expressed any desire for her friendship, but the prospect of not being the only one with absolutely no interest in the straight shenanigans happening at gusu lan summer camp is enough to let mianmian ignore his obvious confusion. lan wangji is a great listener and only sometimes blushes when mianmian waxes poetic about the beautiful women she’s forced to surround herself with every day

“no but you don’t understand,” mianmian insists, alone in the library with lan wangji, “jiang-guniang asked me to help her with a sword form. i put my hands on her waist. i said something idiotic bc she was so pretty and right there and then she laughed. lan wangji. i’m in love.”

“yesterday you were in love with wen-guniang,” lan wangji says as he impassively turns a page in his book. “has this changed?”

“no, i’m in love with both of them. all of them. lan wangji. they’re all so pretty all the time. it’s horrible.”

lan wangji presses his lips into a firmer line, which mianmian’s come to understand means he’s repressing a smile. “i’m sorry to hear it brings luo-guniang such trouble.”

mianmian groans, fairly undignified, but that’s a lost cause with lan wangji at this point anyway. “i swear, if jin zixuan says one more bad thing about her i’m going to punch him and marry her myself.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” which mianmian takes to mean that he supports her in this line of thinking, which she finds both quite sweet and ridiculously funny.

grinning, she teases, “lan-er-gongzi, if i do end up marrying jiang-guniang, will you bear witness to our elopement?”

lan wangji’s lips press again, this time in the way that means he’s repressing a frown. “jiang-guniang’s brothers wouldn’t allow for an elopement,” he says.

mianmian huffs. “as if yunmeng or lanling will deign to host our wedding.”

lan wangji appears to ponder this for a moment before he says, “gusu will host it,” and it’s at that moment that mianmian realizes she’s actually gone and fucking befriended the second jade of lan.

what is her life.

of course, it’s not long after that that she goes to find jin zixuan and explain that she can’t make their weekly sparring match today because she has plans with lan wangji (jiang yanli tenderly brushed some of mianmian’s hair away from her forehead while they were working on sword forms and if mianmian doesn’t tell someone about it she’s literally going to explode) and she’s trying to be as polite as possible only for jin zixuan to scoff and pout (”i don’t pout”) and say, “i never took you for one of those women who throw themselves so wantonly at a man”

it’s only for having been friends with this absolutely horrible communicator for most of her life that she doesn’t immediately punch him in the face. “what did you just say to me,” she demands, but jin zixuan just sets his jaw and looks away, flushing down his neck in the way his mother describes as unbecoming and--

and mianmian suddenly realizes that her ridiculous best friend is jealous of lan wangji.

(in a friend way, of course, he’s like her brother, the one time his mother implied that he ought not get too close to women in case it jeopardizes his betrothal to jiang yanli, he insisted he didn’t have any female friends repeatedly as his mother delicately danced around outright saying mianmian’s name until finally she broke and jin zixuan was basically like huh?? mianmian doesn’t count?? she made me eat dirt like six times when we were kids)

the sheer ridiculousness of jin zixuan, to set her up with a guy and then get jealous when she spends all her time with him

and fuck her, but she loves her stupid awkward ridiculous sect heir best friend and she doesn’t want him to think she’s gone and left him for someone else (gods know jin zixuan’s loyalty complex rivals his marriage one (on second thought the two might be connected)) and so, after making a few quick decisions, mianmian grabs her stupid best friend by the wrist and pulls him to the library

he protests all the way there, but he’s been letting her drag him wherever she wants since they were five and it isn’t as if he’s going to break the pattern now. she drags him to the library and sits him down across a startled lan wangji and then finally breaks and gushes about jiang-guniang’s fingertips brushing her forehead and doesn’t look at jin zixuan once the whole time

lan wangji, on the other hand, sends jin zixuan frequent glances, as if worried on mianmian’s behalf, which is super sweet and also how the fuck did mianmian get two awkward sect heirs to care about her platonically wtf. she spares a thought for her poor auntie, who would’ve loved to have a sect heir care about her niece in much less platonic ways.

at the end of mianmian’s rant, jin zixuan is blinking quite a lot. “you like women?” he asks. he’s always been a bit slow on the uptake. mianmian nods. “you like jiang-guniang?”

mianmian shrugs. “more or less. she’s just really pretty and i’m dying about it. it’s fine.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” sympathetically and jin zixuan continues to gape.

mianmian winces. “you’re not going to be weird about this, are you?”

jin zixuan shakes his head quickly. “no, no-- of course not, i--you know that i--you’re my best friend, i don’t care--what does it matter to me, who you want to--to touch your hair.”

it’s probably the most awkward sentence he’s said to her in years, but possibly more articulate than she’d been expecting. it makes her tear up regardless and she punches him in the shoulder to hide it, and that’s basically how the three of them start hanging out in the library nearly every day after lecture.

sometimes they go to the sparring ground, bc who’s better sparring practice than the second jade of lan? and sometimes (once or twice) mianmian manages to convince lan wangji to join her and jin zixuan for lunch in caiyi town when they don’t have lecture, but mostly they meet in a secluded part of the library where mianmian can rant about how pretty all the women at lectures are, jin zixuan can turn pink whenever she mentions jiang-guniang, and lan wangji can “mn” and nod sympathetically at all the right parts

and mianmian thinks that’s going to be the end of it, they’re just going to be friends now and everything else will move on as usual, bc by some ridiculous trick of fate lan wangji and jin zixuan seem to like each other. which makes sense in hindsight bc they’re both awkward sect heirs who care about cultivation and people a lot even if they’re not great at showing it

(and he’d never say it but mianmian thinks jin zixuan’s easy acceptance of her liking women is probably the first time lan wangji’s ever seen someone accept that kind of thing before (maybe, possibly, other than his brother, lan xichen seems really cool, even if he does smile kind of intensely at mianmian whenever he happens upon her hanging out with his little brother.))

so they’re friends, they’re unexpected friends, and sometimes lan wangji even makes jokes in that dry deadpan way of his and sometimes jin zixuan doesn’t completely trip over his own words and manages to act like a normal human being and mianmian gets two idiots to care about and a perfect place to vent her womanly frustrations, and she thinks that’s the end of it and then wei wuxian accosts her after lectures one day

“do you like lan zhan?” he asks accusingly, eyes narrowed to slits. “what am i even asking, of course you like lan zhan, but do you like-like him?”

mianmian thinks sadly to herself that she’s much too into women to be dealing with all these men’s emotional problems. “lan wangji is my friend,” she says, carefully sidestepping wei wuxian, who continues to squint at her suspiciously. really, he’d been amusing when he flirted with her, but this? this is just ridiculous.

“does he know that?” wei wuxian asks. “because if he doesn’t, that’s just leading him on, and it’s really not nice to--”

“lan wangji knows we’re friends,” she says, trying to enunciate to get her point across clearly. “you can ask him, if you don’t believe me.”

wei wuxian squints a moment longer before he turns and flounces off. mianmian thinks this is the end of it until she’s accosted again after dinner with, “he said you were friends!”

for some reason, wei wuxian seems even more troubled by this than earlier. mianmian tries to suppress her eyeroll. “i told you he would?”

“but how,” wei wuxian says, suddenly whining. “i’ve been trying to be his friend for months and he refuses to acknowledge me.”

oh, mianmian realizes with a quickly dawning horror. she and lan wangji are not the only cut-sleeves at cloud recesses this summer. (she has suspicions, of course, but no confirmations on any of the others, but this. wow.)

she also realizes, decides really, that she has enough repressed sect heirs in her life and she cannot deal with wei wuxian’s cut-sleeve crisis or his evidently large attachment to lan wangji right now. she turns decisively and walks the fuck away. not her problem.

the lectures end eventually, of course, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to lanling with a horde of golden robed disciples, freshly deflowered and not all together more learned. it’s what, she thinks grimly, their sect leader would want.

the first few weeks go by and she realizes that she’s missed unloading about her frequent and fast falling-in-loves. jin zixuan just doesn’t sympathize right, bless him, and so mianmian takes to writing letters. she sends two without receiving a reply and just starts to write the third when a letter with the gusu symbol is delivered to her room.

she’s almost expecting to find a single mn written on the page-- she would’ve been delighted with just that, actually, the sheer hilarity of such a thing-- but instead she finds several pages filled with lan wangji’s perfect calligraphy.

it’s more than he’s ever spoken out loud, but it seems that propriety dictated that he return mianmian’s extensive letter with one of his own and he’s done so admirably. he responds to the events mianmian detailed in her letters-- most succinctly summarized as, woman are gorgeous and i’m dying-- and then writes about his own life in cloud recesses. apparently, he went on a little night hunt with wei wuxian and also nie huaisang and jiang cheng were involved? seriously, mianmian misses out on all the fun.

he’s also apparently taken in some rabbits, which mianmian immediately decides she needs to see. lan wangji, sitting prim and proper, with a bunch of rabbits in his lap? amazing. wei wuxian would die on sight, she’s sure of it.

he also ends his letter with a warning about qishan wen that has mianmian frowning. she takes it to jin zixuan who reads the paragraph and frowns. “i’ll talk to my father about it,” he says, which she can tell by his hunched shoulders he doesn’t expect to do much.

“talk to your father’s general too,” she suggests, because that man at least thinks with his head and not his dick.

jin zixuan nods but doesn’t hand back the letter. he skims it instead with a barely concealed surprise at lan wangji’s previously hidden expansive vocabulary. mianmian snorts and grabs the letter back. “you can write to him yourself, you know.”

jin zixuan flushes down his neck. “i know!” he insists and then turns and runs away because he’s a coward. mianmian shakes her head, smiling. what an idiot.

still, another week goes by and a letter arrives from gusu and, when mianmian takes it, assuming it’s for her, she finds it addressed to jin zixuan in lan wangji’s impeccable calligraphy and she grins to herself like an idiot. look at jin zixuan, making friends

(she suddenly understands why lan xichen gave her all those intense smiles during the lan lectures)

they go on in this way, writing letters to lan wangji from lanling. sometimes mianmian steals jin zixuan’s letters before he sends them so she can squeeze in some ranting in the post script without wasting a whole second thing of paper, and lan wangji replies dutifully, more verbose than he ever was in person, and it’s nice okay, like. she and jin zixuan have been best friends since they were kids but neither of them has ever been any good at listening and lan wangji is just so honest and earnest in everything, like they didn’t realize that people outside of lanling were actually not always plotting your downfall??? who woulda thunk

and then of course the wens go and ruin everything. they go to the wen lectures bc jin guangshan doesn’t want to “anger our trading partner” like the guy isn’t obviously going to burn carp tower to the ground the first chance he gets, and mostly mianmian and jin zixuan are just vaguely annoyed and put out about it

then lan wangji shows up with a broken leg and a burned sect and they are ready to murder some dudes

after years of breaking in and out of carp tower she and jin zixuan are old hats at this breaking and entering stuff and they manage to sneak into lan wangji’s guest quarters and tend to his wounds, ignoring all his silent glares and ranting furiously about how they’re going to murder wen chao by making him choke on his own dick (mianmian) and how they’re going to war with the wen sect even if he has to threaten his father with acknowledging all of his bastards as proper siblings in public to do it (jin zixuan)

lan wangji just says “mn” and makes various muted, distressed expressions, but mianmian thinks he’s touched.

“are your brother and uncle alright?” she asks, when she’s set his broken leg and forced pain medication down his throat.

“brother escaped with our sacred texts,” lan wangji says. “uncle is... unwell.”

mianmian knows lan wangji hates touch but the way he says it, with this horrible little frown, emoting more than she’s ever seen him, his barely suppressed anger and grief literally making his hands shake into fists, mianmian can’t help it, she hugs him. “we’ll make them pay,” she swears into his shoulder, ruining the lines of his robes with how she clutches at them. “i promise you.”

jin zixuan awkwardly pats lan wangji’s shoulder, which is a lot for him and mianmian spares a moment to be proud of his growth.

unfortunately, wen chao seems to delight in torturing lan wangji on his injured leg and lan wangji refuses to show weakness, which both impresses mianmian and pisses her the fuck off. she approaches wen qing (and her still gorgeous ears, sigh) and asks her to tend to lan wangji, since she’s like actually a doctor. wen qing does bc she’s beautiful, intelligent, and kind and mianmian spends most of that night sighing deeply as she relates this to a significantly drugged lan wangji

the cave of the xuanwu goes about the same as you’d expect. wei wuxian saving her from getting her face branded off is pretty rad of him, though he could’ve just like knocked the brand away instead of throwing himself in front of it but whatever, you do you boo. when lan wangji gets left behind the two of them don’t even have to wait for jiang cheng to grumble and ask for their help, they’re already on their way to carp tower for an army, thank you very much

when they rescue wei wuxian and lan wangji and lan wangji immediately turns to walk back to cloud recesses on a broken leg mianmian says, “fuck no, that’s not happening, you’re getting medical attention and then someone will fly you back home, okay, wtf wangji, sit down.”

and lan wangji is a stubborn bitch so obvs he’s like no but he’s also severely starved, dehydrated, and injured, so it’s not like he can just shake off mianmian holding him down and this goes on long enough for wei wuxian to wake up and see mianmian touching lan wangji, and something in his poor little brain just like breaks and he demands says, “lan zhan, come back to lotus pier with us.”

his argument, as he explains it, is that lotus pier is closer (it’s not; they’re just as close to carp tower as lotus pier) and that it’s closer to gusu for when lan wangji has to return home (it’s not; same deal) but then jiang cheng starts yelling, possibly in support possibly not mianmian’s not sure, and jin zixuan starts getting awkward, probably about the whole golden army behind him bc he’s a nerd and hates being overdressed at functions (this is basically the same thing), and mianmian looks at lan wangji and she sees--

something. she isn’t sure what exactly, but lan wangji looks at wei wuxian as he argues with his brother and he presses his lips into a thin line in the way that means he wants to smile and mianmian thinks, oh. maybe wei wuxian isn’t completely unrequited in his lan wangji obsession.

growing up in lanling, she knows how to use information to her advantage, so she immediately says, “young masters wei and jiang, what a great idea. lanling’s disciples would be pleased to accompany you and second young master lan to lotus pier to ensure everyone’s safe arrival.”

everyone splutters, indignant, confused, awkward (jiang cheng, wei wuxian, and jin zixuan, respectively) but lan wangji narrows his eyes at mianmian and doesn’t try to convince her to let him walk to gusu again, so she counts it as a win.

sect leader jiang and his wife seem surprised and annoyed, respectively, to be taking in so many guests, but sect leader jiang merely smiles pleasantly and directs them to some guest quarters and mianmian and wei wuxian ask, simultaneously, for doctors to tend to lan wangji and wei wuxian makes a face at her and mianmian sighs to herself that she really is too gay to be in the middle of his thing with lan wangji.

turns out, walking a lot and fighting a cannibalistic turtle on a broken leg doesn’t do wonders for healing. lan wangji is also the worst patient ever, he keeps trying to sneak out and get up even though word came from his brother that he’s safe and alright and that cloud recesses is starting to rebuild after qinghe nie and lanling jin came to its aid and pushed out the wen

but with the combined efforts of mianmian, jin zixuan, and wei wuxian (and even jiang yanli at one point, bc who could say no to her soup??) they manage to get lan wangji to just rest for a fucking second, really which results in the jin disciples and lan wangji staying in lotus pier for longer than anyone could’ve expected

mianmian spends most of her time (when she isn’t forcing lan wangji to just fucking stay in bed) working with the jiang disciples, practicing archery, sword forms, and mooning after all the beautiful women here.

(”lan wangji, i know she’s scary, but have you seen madam yu? she could whip me with zidian and i’d thank her” “luo-guniang, please don’t ask madam yu to whip you” OR “lan wangji, i’m almost positive madam yu’s maids are a thing, do you think they’d let me join them just like once” “luo-guniang, could you please pass me my sword?” “why” “i’d like to put myself out of this misery” OR “she made me soup. lan wangji. lan wangji, i know you’re not sleeping, wake up, you have to listen to me, this soup”)

they end up staying so long that when wang lingjiao shows up threatening a child about a kite while sect leader jiang is away, she has a lot more to deal with than madam yu. since none of this had been a “sanctioned visit” no one actually knew that there was nearly an entire troop of jin disciples staying at lotus pier, so when the wens attack they are sorely unprepared for what they’re going to face.

(and ofc lan wangji breaks out of bed heroically and keeps madam yu from whipping wei wuxian, which means they aren’t down one of their most powerful fighters and mianmian has to suffer through the moon eyes they’re making at one another in the middle of a battle no less, she knew wei wuxian had no shame but she’d been hoping lan wangji would have some)

after the wen attack (and defeat) on lotus pier and the jin’s inarguable part in it, the war starts in earnest. lan wangji, after his long rest, heals fine and goes back to gusu to help rebuild his sect and plan for war, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to carp tower to plan as well, ignoring jin guangshan and focusing instead on his general to ensure lanling supplies necessary aid in the war effort

and war is always shitty, of course, and mianmian hates watching her sect family die on the battlefield, hates waiting for updates after every battle to see who’s still alive, hates the politics and jin guangshan trying to wheedle his way out of fighting when there’s fucking lives on the line

(and she could never know, how much easier it is, with yunmeng jiang at its full strength, with one of the brightest minds of their generation there to plot and help, with two of the best fighters not out searching for someone and instead focused on the front)

they reach nightless city after months of fighting and mianmian is ready to just fucking stab wen ruohan herself when they’re suddenly trapped. blocked in on all sides by puppets, their fallen soldiers rising again to turn on them, and it--it looks like they’re gonna die.

“this sucks,” she says to lan wangji, stifling her fear and choking it down. “i never even got to kiss a girl.”

lan wangji just says “mn.”

jin zixuan, beside them, says, “i was an idiot about jiang-guniang.”

lan wangji just says, “mn.”

then wei wuxian pulls out a fucking flute and a-- floating piece of metal? the army of puppets and corpses stops advancing, held in place by-- music, apparently? and wen ruohan emerges from his lair, black energy falling off him in waves, wei wuxian the idiot flies forward to meet him, gets wen ruohan’s hand around his throat for his trouble.

lan wangji yells, “wei ying!” and mianmian thinks, really not fair that lan wangji is gonna get a boyfriend before i get a girlfriend

and then wen ruohan gets stabbed by jin zixuan’s half brother of all people. wen ruohan, along with his puppets and wei wuxian, fall to the ground. lan wangji rushes forward to catch wei wuxian, mianmian runs after him, finds herself in company with jin zixuan and jiang cheng. when they get there, wei wuxian is barely conscious but he’s-- he’s fucking grinning up at lan wangji from the cradle of lan wangji’s arms

“lan zhan,” he says, “you caught me.”

lan wangji nods, says, “mn,” which is basically his equivalent of i’ll always catch you, wei ying.

“really,” mianmian says aloud, “it’s so unfair.”

the aftermath of the war is more annoying than the war itself, what with all the politics and in-fighting and jin guangshan trying to be the biggest dick there ever was. jin guangshan tries to name himself chief cultivator in wen ruohan’s stead but nie mingjue suggests jiang fengmian instead and the lan sect backs him. jin guangshan tries to demonize the wens but at wei wuxian’s loud rebuttal and sect leader jiang’s backing (which is then backed by both gusu lan and qinghe nie) he’s once again shouted down. and then jin guangshan tries to propose to jiang-guniang for his son and the poor woman just seems so awkward and her father doesn’t seem to know what to say and--

mianmian elbows jin zixuan whose eyes widen ridiculously but, after another, harder hit, he suddenly stands. all eyes go to him, which mianmian knows he hates, but he bows to his father, then jiang yanli, and says, “jiang-guniang, forgive my father’s impertinence. this is not the time or place to be making such an offer, but he--” jin zixuan winces visibly. “--he knows of my feelings and wishes to make his foolish son happy. please, do not feel the need to respond.”

then he promptly sits down, flushing down to his neck, and mianmian shares a disbelieving glance with lan wangji from across the horrible nightless city palace room.

she’d really only meant for him to suggest jiang yanli answer privately, at a later time, but wow, jin zixuan really went for it. also no way jin guangshan knows his son has fallen in love with jiang yanli, so nice save face there. maybe he has been paying attention in all of their etiquette and political espionage classes.

jiang yanli flushes way prettier than jin zixuan and nods politely, stands and bows and thanks the jin clan for being considerate in this time of turmoil, perhaps they can discuss this matter at a later date (jin zixuan looks like he nearly faints at this, and mianmian feels vindicated in all her forlorn ranting. overreacting her ass)

when everything has been settled, wen qing has been appointed the new sect leader of qishan wen with promises to return land to those who lost it and pay reparations to the hurt civilians, as well as have the yin iron destroyed for good. during the final ceremony where all the sects have tea and pledge to be loyal to one another (until the next great war, of course) mianmian leans close to lan wangji and sighs, “her ears look even lovelier with her hair tied back by her new sect leader hairpiece.”

lan wangji says “mn” because he’s a cut sleeve in love with wei wuxian and has nothing even closely resembling taste.

mianmian, on her own, decides to make them both happy. before the jin clan departs from nightless city, she goes up to wei wuxian and asks for a moment of his time. wei wuxian seems confused but follows and, once they’re alone, he says, “mianmian, are you about to get me into bed, because i must tell you that i am a respectable young cultivator and you’ll need to marry me before--”

mianmian gives him her best unimpressed look (she’s had much practice with it, thank you jin zixuan) and cuts him off with, “i like women.”

wei wuxian’s eyes go wide. “but you and lan zhan--”

she cuts him off again before he can say something so stupid she has to stop talking to him to refrain from breaking all laws of propriety. “look,” she says, “you’re friends with wen qing. now that she’s sect leader, your brother can’t go after her. i, on the other hand, very much can. if you promise to figure out a way for me and her to get close, i’ll tell you a secret you’ll like very much.”

wei wuxian seems hesitant for all of half a second before he breaks. “tell me.”

“do you promise?”

wei wuxian raises three fingers. “promise.”

“on your sister’s life?”

begrudgingly, wei wuxian nods.

“on her soup?”

“just get on with it!”

mianmian smirks, pushes onto her tiptoes, and whispers the secret into wei wuxian’s ear. with that, she returns to the pavilion where all the sects mingle as they wait to depart, wei wuxian trailing behind her in a daze, his mouth hanging open.

lan wangji, who had been watching since mianmian asked wei wuxian for a moment to talk, frowns nearly imperceptibly. mianmian grins at him and his frown grows.

ah, whatever. she walks over to him, unbothered by the quickly growing alarm in his eyes. once next to him, she turns around to see wei wuxian staring unabashedly. her smile only widens.

“you’re going to thank me for this,” she says.

wei wuxian shakes himself, his eyes focusing, and immediately starts walking towards them.

lan wangji, voice flat but wavering, asks, “luo-guniang, what did you do?”

mianmian laughs, says, “i get to give a speech at your wedding,” and walks away just as wei wuxian reaches them.

(she does, actually, give a speech at their wedding. she may or may not be drunk during it, jin zixuan gets embarrassed for her, and she starts tearing up and has to hide it in the shoulder of her wife’s lovely well-tailored robes. it’s alright, though, wen qing doesn’t mind)

EDIT: now on AO3 with a real fic version from lwj’s pov!

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yakumtsaki · 3 years

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-Wish you would have seen Shajar’s face when I showed up, huhu!💗 -Her dumb ass really thought you’d stay dead, she cried herself to sleep last night LOL

Ya and that was the most anyone in this house cried about the Cyn death debacle, I still can’t get over how much these people didn’t care. The icy blood of Victoria clearly flows through our veins.

-Wyatt, I’m here in this bathroom after our failed geriatric coitus attempt to autonomously lecture you about your diminishing libido! -Je suis désolé, mon chéri, but je suis alsò seventié :( -That’s no excuse! Why, when my mother was seventy, she was fornicating with Malcolm Landgraab so often she broke his penis, and even that didn’t stop her! The hospital had to put guards outside his room!

Speaking of geriatric fornication, it’s that time of night: cucking Don time. We take our latest geezer boy-toy to P.U.R.E and its deathtrap flamethrowers! Bucket Hat Townie stop judging us.

Bucket Hat Townie:

Hehe.

FINALLY. Man I have had it with these fossils playing hard to get.

Mary Gavigan next to the flames of Hell: O.O

Ok we’re done here Cyn! See you never, grandpa. So here’s our score so far:

We have the Slob, Don, CADP (Culturally Appropriating Drama Professor), Jack Do, iVan, ProbablyJeff, CBG (Charlatan Beard Geezer), Malcolm, Wren, Castor Nova, and Matthew Hart aka 11/20! We’re doing pretty well, and especially now that Cyn is back from the dead and her lifebar has reset we have all the time in the world..

..but I don’t wanna go back to the house and train pets! We hit up Londoste and we also hit bullseye with JSTWG (Jon Smith Tricou Wannabe Geezer) here.

Immediately after introducing ourselves to him, JSTWG hits us with this. Honestly I was tempted because the thought of Cyn as a Twitch streamer with an army of simps was HILAR but if she gets a job we won’t have time for our hoeing so we have to decline.

Things are going well, we bring up our dead grandma as one does on dates..

..we flirt..

..we learn that Andrea Hogan is apparently a cop who walks around in a gown all day..

..AND WE GET REJECTED. JSTWG WTF

Thankfully Cyn is always more than happy to override others’ free will and immediately rolls the voodoo want, just like she did when she got rejected by Malcolm lmao. Fakest 10 nice points EVER.

-The power of the voodoo doll compels you, huhu!🌸

Well isn’t that better! It’s a dream date with JSTWG, which refills Cyn’s motives and I’m like fuck it, you don’t walk away from the table when you’re on a roll-

-so back to the diner of love we go, hoping to catch the early bird special.

Clearly this guy went to the ProbablyJeff School of Self-Cucking but I accept this time because I’m curious who we’ll get..

WHAT LMAO. KENNEDY. Aren’t you gay??

Clearly not! So it turns out this blind date thing is like the matchmaker when you spend max cash, you get a triple bolter BUT in this case you also get a nice relationship bonus! Like it took 2 interactions for them to become friends, iconic.

-Kennedy, don’t tell anyone, but my grandma who’s been dead for 40 years cheated on my grandpa! Scandalous, huhu!💗 -Oh I know, I was there!

So this was literally the easiest hook-up Cyn has ever had, like I could not believe how perfectly it went-

-this much chemistry with Kennedy Cox of all people???

This is not ACR btw, I never use it for Cyn’s LTW because I feel it’s cheating, this all just organically happened over a single date! If I had known this earlier I would have just married Cyn to Kennedy!!!

Cyneswith has woohooed in public a lot so a bunch of the townies have been at one of her previous photobooth romps, I like to think of it as following your team during a championship, you just travel wherever the next match is.

Bruh. I still can’t believe that under his plaid shirt, shorts, and calf socks, Kennedy was hiding this much sexual prowess! It’s always the ones you don’t expect.

We return home, where it’s still night time because I keep forgetting to download that mod that fixes the community lot time thing, and spend some quality time with iVan, whom Cyn is obsessed with ever since he saved her from Death’s embrace.

-Huhu, I got you iVan!🌸 -𝙸𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚎𝚛; 𝚁𝚞𝚗: 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚍.𝚎𝚡𝚎;

-Let me tell you, Shaj, when me and Kennedy were in that photobooth.. Pure magic, huhu!💗

Don: *leans on the wall emo-ly and cuckedly* (he’s actually just doing that stretching thing, I haven’t seen that since Marissa in gen 1! memories <3)

Come on Don, a few skill points away from LTW!

-Ya it’s a bit hard to concentrate with whatever the hell’s going on behind me.

There’s nothing going on behind you!

iVan:

#can u tell ive been rewatching the office #gen 3 #ts2

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cassyapper · 2 years

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okay so the jotapucci timeline that 100 percent happened araki told me:

1995: jotaro and jolyne’s mom divorce cause he confronted the fact he’s gay enough that he knows he could never be “the one” for her. they’re still friends at this point

1999: jotaro pulls away from jolyne and jolyne’s mom on the basis of “standusers attract standusers and that gets people killed”, a philosophy he’s seen in motion from his time in morioh. he and jolyne’s mom are no longer friends

2002: jotaro is back in florida at the same time pride is going on. he is confused but it teaches him gay bars exist. jotaro is pent up and stressed out so he goes to check it out at a bar in a different city of course. he talks to no one and just leaves after watching dudes hit it off all night. it becomes a hobby

2005: pucci and jotaro notice each other at the gay bar for the first time. jotaro is in his big ass coat and hat. pucci is in not-priest robes and has sunglasses and a hat of his own on. neither of them talk to each other but they notice each other. they begin drinking together in silence if nothing else. sometimes pucci goes home with another dude and jotaro is like how does he attract ppl without even saying anything. sigh. cause he’s annoying and hopeless like that

2006: pucci finally talks and it startles jotaro so bad cause he’s like wtf you have a voice? they begin talking. jotaro goes home w pucci for the first time. it is awkward cause pucci prays a segment of the rosary before they get it on and jotaro’s like um i can leave. but pucci is like no it’s okay just give me a second. jotaro still considers leaving. anyway once he’s done praying for what he’s about to do, pucci gives jotaro (trans man) his first orgasm so jotaro is like ok. i can forgive the praying thing if that keeps up

2007-2009: so it continues. they get each other’s numbers but the only time they text is to be like “wanna get a drink” which is their version of “you up?”. pucci is seething with himself cause he’s almost always the one who caves first but jotaro did initiate a couple of times. btw the reason neither of them figure out “oh fuck ur the dio guy” is cause jotaro usually keeps his shirt one while they get busy (trans man shy about his chest what can you do. not see his star-shaped birthmark that’s what) and pucci doesn’t like talking much cause he views this all as like actual guilty pleasure but a la the haikuyuu post, “i’m not marrying them [so it’s okay].” however the more time they spend together the more both of them open up a bit. it’s honestly kinda sweet but they’ll never be in an actual relationship cause of pucci’s homophobic homosexuality and also jotaro still can’t get over the praying thing (he tries to rope jotaro into it once and jotaro doesn’t respond to him for three months afterward) and also theyre both just very annoying god bless

2010: jotaro decides he needs to leave cause he doesn’t trust that pucci will be safe with him by his side cause jotaro’s mentally ill and doesn’t know pucci has a stand. however during one of their last meet ups jotaro uses star platinum for something and pucci is like oh are you fucking kidding me. they proceed to do their thing first and then almost fight to the death before jotaro gets away. both are very embarrassed about the whole thing so even though pucci literally has jotaro’s number and is friends with cops (ie ppl who would track his phone ip down), he doesn’t do anything about it. jotaro moves houses even tho they only ever met up at hotels (but he DOES keep the phone like a dumbass). neither speak of it again. it is very very very funny

#cass cries #jjba #ummmmm #let me know if i should tag this as not safe for minors

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phoenixyfriend · 4 years

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Time-Displaced Izuna

Me, smashing Founders Era and Canon Era dolls together: Now bicker!

Yesterday, my parents asked me to prep some potatoes for the holiday dinner, and in that time I came up with a Nonsense AU that does involve time travel and Fashion Guru Ino.

And Izuna being petty as hell.

Izuna, while dying, gets catapulted forward in time to that nebulous period between the Exams and Sasuke's defection. Obviously, Tsunade exists and is amazing and also in the general area, and goes "well, he's clearly an Uchiha, and we don't have a whole lot of those, and our existing Uchiha is one hell of a flight risk, so even if we can't get any useful information out of this guy dressed several decades out of fashion, I'm going to save his life."

Shit happens, Izuna gets shunted over to Sasuke's care (IDK if this is before or after Izuna's eyes get removed for Madara) while recovering, Sasuke is... 90% panic because Clan Member! But clan member who is Heavily Injured and must protec, and Izuna's mentality is "well, the clan might be dead, but two and a half surviving Uchiha is still winning over the singular surviving Senju, so I Win, Tobirama" because... yeah.

Sasuke doesn't want to dig through his dead family's secondhand stuff, most of which is seven years out of date, and Izuna admits that he wants to be In Fashion. Sasuke asks Sakura, because Sasuke wears monochrome rompers but Sakura actually knows things, and Sakura's like "Right. So. I'm getting Ino."

And Ino's response to seeing Izuna in the flesh, dressed in his best approximation of modern fashion, is obviously "Oh honey, no."

I just want Ino to be a fashion guru to a time-traveler.

I also really like the mental image of Izuna having to deal with Tsunade, because Tsunade's energy is so different from anything most people deal with, I think.

God, just imagine him trying to pick fights with Tsunade at the drop of a hat.

Izuna: She's a Senju, why do you listen to her? Sasuke: ...I'm thirteen and she's legally my head of state?

Izuna: You can't just let her boss you around! Sasuke: She's four times my age and can fistfight a boss summons, I don't know what you're hoping to hear.

Tsunade: Listen, either you can work for me as a shinobi, or I can get you sent back to T&I, it's up to you. Izuna: Bullshit, as if you could-- Tsunade: There is an entire village ready to fight you on my word. I may not be on the same level as my grandfather's generation, but I have an army, and I personally saved your life three days ago. Izuna: I don't owe you anything. Tsunade: Uh-huh. You wanna go nukenin and drag your family's name even further through the mud? Izuna: Says the alcoholic gambler. Tsunade: Hm. Yeah, okay, ANBU! Get this guy over to Psych for an eval. Izuna: Wait what.

(...why do I love S-rank characters being petty bitches to each other?)

Tsunade: You work for me now. Izuna: You wanna bet? Shizune, slamming the door open: NO.

But also... I have a Thought...

Tsunade tells Izuna that she's keeping him around for THIS reason: to keep her skills sharp as he tries to kill her.

Izuna: Uh... can't you just kill me instead? Tsunade: After all the effort I went to so I could save your life? No. You're going to be my lackey. Izuna: I hate you. Tsunade: Tough shit.

CONSIDER: GAI CHALLENGES IZUNA TO A SPAR. (IDK where to take this idea beyond just. Izuna going wtf wtf wtf.)

Kakashi, not looking up from his book: Good luck, honey, kick his ass!

Asuma: Should we be worried? Kakashi: No, Gai's going to be fine. He knows how to fight a Sharingan. Asuma: Gai's not the one I'm worried about.

Asuma, cupping his hands around his mouth: Hey Uchiha! You're gonna get your ass kicked! Izuna: [murder eyes] Asuma, shrugging: Well, I warned him.

It's the "Sasuke gets his ass kicked by Rock Lee" scene but taller.

Izuna starts demanding more spars with Gai because this is unacceptable! The vibe I get from Izuna in this AU is Miraculous Ladybug's Chloe going "Ridiculous! Utterly Riiiiiiiiiii-diculous!"

Ino decides to make it her job to matchmake Izuna with someone.

"Don't you want Sasuke-kun to have some little cousins running around?" "I'm his great-grandfather, so I'm pretty sure they'd be, like... half-great-uncles or something." "I'm not hearing a no."

I didn’t know Izuna had a canon age until I got into a conversation about it while brainstorming this yesterday, but apparently he died at 24, which is only a year off from what I’d been headcanoning, so I’m pretty happy to work with that.

I'm not gonna lie: my thought was that Ino sets Izuna up on a blind date with Anko.

It's only kind of a joke. Unfortunately for Sasuke, it turns out Izuna REALLY likes Anko. I want to imagine he’s very O.O about her. I want Izuna easily flustered.

#Uchiha Izuna #Senju Tsunade #Uchiha Sasuke #Yamanaka Ino #Maito Gai #Sarutobi Asuma #Haruno Sakura #Hatake Kakashi #Naruto #Time Travel #Phoenix Posts

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youranxiousnerd · 3 years

Text

Second Chances Thoughts

bc what

spoilers below

i have...thoughts

ah no chaotic intro, f in the chat

it’s still a nice intro, tho

IM SORRY ARE THEY NOT SHOWING THE TRANSFORMATION?!?!

WHAT

THIS IS A HATE CRIME /j

i used the thingy

no bows either?!?!

this is called high school musical: the musical: the series not high school musical: the backstage drama: the series

wow they got changed fast

“Passable!”

I’ll be the judge of that oh wait i cant bc they didnt show us

YES QUEEN ASHLYN GETTING THE LOVE SHE DESERVES

ashlyn is such a queen

the perfect belle, stunning

“A couple letters, actually” it’s a sign (literally)

flower touch

AWWW REDLYN

STOP THEY’RE ADORABLE

they love each other so much

east high kids be snooping

not me thinking about carlos’ hand on seb’s back we were robbed im taking what i can get

“You were the perfect Belle tonight. I was really proud”

“Evil genius”

they’re so happy

AWWW A REDLYN KISS WHOOP WHOOP

kourt and howie are so awkward

“drumroll?”

howie and seb would get along

weird little playoff, maybe he is lying?

they’re cute, tho

sad that they didn’t really get any build-up

“happy now?” “yes”

“If it’s with you, always” MY HEART

just like a fanfic

kourtney just invited north highs beast to east highs cast party

OH MY GOD MAZZARA IS ACTUALLY GETTING A STORY ABOUT HIM

i was not expecting that okay

ej and mazzara are the best

gina is so happy too bad it wont last

gina is an actress

gahhhh portwell drama

oh god rini let the drama begin

that was very calm, did someone possess nini and ricky?

i really like them as best friends. i was a hardcore rini shipper last season but with all their constant conflict i realized how much fun they are as friends

“we are literally on the same page”

“just for a moment” I LOST MY SHIT

miss jenn no

oooo seblos please be good

Seb calling Miss. Jenn out on her bullshit since idk when

“That’s a hard never mind now” okay wow

Miss. Jenn is Carlos’ godmother

This is theatre, not football

CRYING GINA

gini

GINA SUPPORT DAY IS A THING PEOPLE!!!!!

oh wow a plot line actually being addressed

season 1 callback im not ready

gina and nini people!!!

very sweet scene

ahha jamie callback we all knew it

i would really like to see miss jenns batb audition notes

“I’m in a great place, mentally” if you were you wouldn’t be saying that

OMFG IS SHE NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE!?!?!

like that was a big deal, a big effing deal and then nothing?

you told a kid to jump off something high and you can’t even say “sorry”?!?!

back to the miss jenn love triangle

“I think I’m happy, or gettin’ there”

ricky you don’t have to be there yet it’s okay

that line hit

SEASON 1 OUTFITS

CORE 4 SONG

killer harmonies

sofia giving us that alto rep!!

portwell duet! audition outfits

very good, very very good. this song kinda screams autotune but it still sounds very good.

last song of the season NOOO but very fitting

Is it just me or does “Second Chance” look like a music video they show in Justice (the teen store) in 2014?

cast bonding yay!

PAUSE THE ONLY SEBLOS MOMENT WE GOT THIS EPISODE WAS A WRIST HOLD?!?!!

DISNEY WTF

LIKE EVERY COUPLE GOT THEIR MOMENT AND ALL THEY GET IS A WRIST HOLD

BFBLBFIWGFSDMBF

shit why does my favorite ship have to be the gay one on a disney show?

east high booing the lily and french boi has me on the floor

“Big Red, you were also in it” BEST LINE OF THE FINALE OMFG

i missed antoine

sorry carlos has glitter on his face

seb’s smile and wave at north high why am i laughing?

off topic but i have unintentionally started doing the seb wave (you know the one) (with the fingers) in real life.

also gay chair sit

e.j is also doing the gay chair sit

lily what

you have had like one conversation

she says she likes his face but not his personality?

im calling bullcrap

pause didn’t lily steal the harness? are we just going to forget about that

probably, the writers did forgot to develop seblos

Let Ricky be single challenge

ANTOINE MY LOVE

REDLYN I LOVE YOU

SHUSH EJ’S SPEECH TIME TO SOB

ummmm

so this season has been for nothing?

all the shit they went through (the self-doubt, relationship problems, the injuries, the death threats) is for nothing?!?

since when does Miss. Jenn not care anymore about the Menkies?!?!

I actually get the kids side of this, but not Miss. Jenn’s.

I was surprised they took this route with the Menkies, didn’t even cross my mind

“It was five”

Big Red x medicine

bet your ass ashlyn would have gotten a nomination best actress

“We got a pizza oven” THE EAST HIGH KIDS ARE COMMITTING ARSON

is mazzara staying for miss jenn? they could do long distance but it doesnt have the best rep in this show

gini

ashlyn is the captain of the portwell ship and nini is her right hand man (or whatever second best is called in sailing)

NINI MAKIN THE DEALS

RICKY WHY ARE YOU CALLING HER

WHYYYYYY

“Will you be my first kiss” smiles

OH MY GOD

WAIT NOTHING

WHAT

OMFG THEY CUT IT LMAO

“this summer is about to get hot” SUMMER SEASON 3?!?!

ANTOINE

OMFG HE BETTER COME BACK

I LOVE ABF

WAIT THATS IT

FWBEGLEWG

THATS IT

hey they ended with andrew barth feldman what more can you ask for?

Thats...it?

Oh wait some cast stuff...brb ima cry. The ending has some very series finale energy...I’m scared. Natalie wouldn’t have done the “buckle up wildcats” if there wasn’t a season 3, right? But the bloopers at the end...

The cast ending was great. “You are the Music in Me” was so heartfelt and I’m a sucker for bloopers.

Wait so no Lily home? It was probably a cut scene.

If we got Lily home, can we get an album with the cast singing all the BATB songs?

I have so many mixed feelings about this episode. Here is the thing, if you love the core 4 then this was your episode. If you’re like me and prefer the side leads then this was probably a little disappointing since we barely saw them. This episode felt rushed and a little messy, but there were some great moments. Season 2′s writing has felt a little weird. This season lacked the chaotic theater kid energy season 1 had. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with the show. If/when we get a season 3 I really hope the writers find that energy again.

Let’s all give a round of applause for the cast and crew who filmed majority of the season during a global pandemic. That could not have been easy. They gave us a pretty good season under crazy conditions. They definitely had to change some things to fit the current climate. Overall, hats off the the cast and crew because you guys killed it.

I’m really going to miss this show, hopefully it gets renewed. It has become a comfort show these past several weeks. My sanity says “no, don’t go” but my sleep schedule says “leave.”

To second chances!!

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i-was-bored-so-this-happened · 3 years

Text

Rae Watches Primeval

Season 1 Episode 2 AKA, This Post Has Been In The Making For Multiple Months/I’m Being Very Brave With All These Bugs

If you’d like to be tagged in future Rae Watches Primeval posts, let me know

This is long as fuck, my dudes

Spoilers. Spoilers everywhere.

Gotta love the end of the Previously On though “I lost her. And now I think she’s back from the dead.” THEME MUSIC BUH-DUH-BUM-NEEAAOOOOWW

Also - THEME MUSIC YEAHHHHH

Oh woah I zoomed in to make the image clearer and really I’ve just made it grainer. It’s that Essence of the 2000s

God, I hate the Underground. You know one time someone tried to push me down the escalators at an Underground? And another time when I was little I mis-timed my step and got my foot stuck in the gap and everyone just trampled over me? Hate the Underground

Ah yes, only when the train stops does it become unbearingly hot and all the women start fanning themselves at the same time

hhhhhhhhhh jesus fuck my worst fucking nightmare oh my god

i’ve already been in contact with many insects today so i’m going to be a bit more jumpy at this episode than usual, yes i know the insects around me were mostly plastic, shut up

The guy on the other side of the window heard nothing

Eyup, there are Duncan and Tom

“I swear on my Empire Strikes Back poster signed by Luke Skywalker and Dave Prowse”

I know we make fun of, “I do know what a sacred relic is, Duncan, I have seen Raiders of the Lost Ark” but that is a line I’d spontaneously make up mid conversation with my friends

Wtf is Duncan eating, the video’s too grainy to see

Duncan’s the only one eating, Connor’s brandishing a banana and Tom’s chewing a plastic fork Tag yourself, I’m Tom

I take back my statement of, “I know we make fun of...” because bruh please stop making nerds talk like this, every second sentence is not a pop culture reference

Is it cake? It might be cake

Look at the little bi man, unable to sit correctly. I understand, little bi man, for I, a little bi woman, am also unable to sit correctly

I’ve zoomed back out a bit so Stephen isn’t just squares

Connor. Honey. NO. Take the hat off and the outfit might be bearable ^ The entire fandom @ Connor at any given moment

OH, was that scene just...him finding out where Abby lived? That’s only just clicked right now. Connor why you stalking Abby, how did you even find out where she lives

Or was that him finding the “anomaly” and he already knew where Abby lived?

I’m not even going to mention the lizards, I leave that to @late2000shistoricalreenactment

HH NOPE NOPE NOPE CLICKED BACK ON TO SEE THE SPIDER FUCK OFF

Tom Cruise?

We’re Seven Minutes and Forty Seconds In, Folks. We’re In For a Long Ride

“You can hold my hand if you’re frightened.” “And how is that going to make me feel better?”

How the FUCK DO YOU NOT SEE THAT THING SITTING ACROSS FROM YOU?????

Bro. BRO. You’ve been spraying PESTECIDES everywhere on the UNDERGROUND and you’re just going to EAT the FOOD YOU DROPPED ON THE FLOOR without even CHECKING IT?

This lighting is so very nice to Lucy Brown, she looks lovely

“We should huddle together for warmth.” Is something I actually say to my friends if one of them says they’re cold and it usually works

Ah yes, the Stephen-Abby-Connor love-triangle everyone loved so much

Abby dON’T THROW AWAY YOUR TEA!!! JUST BECAUSE HE MIGHT BE GAY??? GIRL

That is a pitiful tent, even a one-person tent. Can’t even get changed in there

Claudia also getting comfy and sitting incorrectly in Stephen’s chair It is the chair or is it the people sitting in the chair, that is the question

“Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!”

asdkjbhasjhadskjhb Abby took a radio with her?

Not gonna lie, impressive remote-control life-size dinosaur for the two nerdy slackers

Dude is STILL DOWN THERE?? It’s been a whole ass day!!

Nothing came out of your spray can, bruh

Wilhem scream, present and accounted for

SO I...UH...STARTED THIS POST IN JUNE....IT’S NOW AUGUST...WHEN I STOPPED WATCHING I WAS ONLY 14 MINUTES IN....MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBELTS ARE ON

Oh my god since I was last on Dailymotion they’ve added a Picture-in-Picture feature, that’s going to make these posts so much easier to make!! Good going, Dailymotion, my beloved

Oh so potatoey <3

Connor this is why you signed th e OFFICIAL SECRETS ACT

Damn, look at that favouritism. You can’t pick a favourite child, Nick

I do love the soundtrack though, I’ve missed hearing it

“Venom, to be precise.” Then why did you tell her it was poison??

oof i’m gay, lucy brown is really just so pretty this episode

Lester’s hair was so messy in the first season

Boom boom bang bang baby!

Oh no, not the black Lexuses! Lexi? The big black cars!

THERE HE ISSSSSSSSS!!!!! MY BOYYYYYY TOM FUCKING RYAAAAANNNN

I have no gifs of him from this episode, criminal

“They don’t even know what they’re looking for!” neither do you!!! That’s why they’re going first!!

“Well, there can’t be that many types of venomous predator under the Aldwitch.” “You should see the last tube home on a Friday night.” ICONIC

no thoughts

funnily enough, i’ve never really been scared of the bugs in this episode unless i’ve encountered a lot of bugs that day

do the night-vision goggles really work that well when there’s actually loads of light in the room?

Wilhelm Scream Two, Electric Boogaloo

We get to see that that soldier’s bitten and then never hear about him ever again

This might be the most Tom Ryan gets to speak in any episode he’s in....and that is a crime

This cool rotating shot would have been cooler without the cuts

In case you didn’t hear that, as Nick and Stephen are gearing up, Stephen tells Nick, “You wear it well, you look good.” Do with that what you will

Ooohh, synchronised torch-turning-on

god the spider sounds are loud

“Does anyone have a really big slipper?”

hhhh okay the bugs are getting to me a little bit now, i’m going to bed soon, don’t infect my dreams please...

w...Stephen? what was that? I?

ugh i do love the shots that go around and through anomalies

Alright Stevey you don’t have to shout

Arthropleura: *is directly above him*

“Damn.” you really had no plan, huh

i’m sorry i just hallucinated-

a DALEK HAS HIM OH NO

A giant centipede, surplus oxygen, come on, come on [snaps fingers] you should be able to get this without Connor

Apparently when Cutter isn’t there all palaeontological and historical knowledge goes out the window and Connor restores those braincells

Abby, you can run after him, you know.....you don’t have to just stand there without moving.....call after him once and only once...and then not tell Claudia

Remind me one day to make a post about parallels between this episode and 5x04 because there’s at least a couple if I dig

Damn, Stephen, couldn’t you hear those sound effects? They’re louder than your voice!

There’s only fifteen minutes left and in that time Stephen has to nearly die

Well done on walking towards the giant magnet with your metal weapon

And THAT’S WHY YOU TELL CLAUDIA WHAT’S GOING ON, ABBY

“That’s the problem with heroic gestures: succeed and you look wonderful, fail and all you do is leave everybody else a bloody mess to clean up.” Claudia is so very quotable

You heard THAT, but not the giant BUG?

“What happened?” “Had an argument with a bug. Bug won.”

Ah yes, Helen, leave a message with a man and then leave him for dead, great plan

“It’s the kind of bug that’d stick to the kitchen at parties.”

NICK KNEW IT WAS AN ARTHROPLEURA, WHY DIDN’T STEPHEN???

oh god no, not this part, goddamn it stephen

“It’s so much easier to do this stuff when you’re dying.” - Dying man in a long-term relationship asks his colleague out shortly after speaking to his ex-girlfriend [who also happens to be his best friend's wife]

The spiders have had enough, they’re going home

Oh shit! Oh shit I have a shirt the same colour as Connor’s! I found it at work a couple weeks back and bought it! Yo!

Alright! Two days later, I'm back, and I only have like ten minutes to go so maybe this post will go in my queue today!!! Yaaayyy! It only took me...two months...

Oh so now CLAUDIA'S down here too??

dAMNIT

Did they ever explain why there's just...loads of bunkbeds in this abandoned section of the Underground? I can't remember. I don't get it.

Cewl

"If I don't come back, you can have my Star Trek Next Generation Top Trumps" "I'll treasure them" An adorable moment, honestly

"On second thoughts, actually, maybe you should bury them with me."

And he just happened to bring a bottle of...turpentine with him

I mean, I guess he knew there'd be bugs and he was always planning to go down into the underground to them so he brought it with him to keep them away? Or something? I guess?

Ah, yes, the only mention of Connor's panic attacks ever, it was nice knowing you

"Claustrophobia and vertigo on the same day," again, I think this might be the only time either of those things are ever mentioned, much like how all of Connor's allergies are brought up in the first episode but never actually cause him any problems

"Bite me" - Nick Cutter, 2007

Aw, he tried

Eugh, burned bug. Burned bug smells horrible, and that's a big bug

I can't get over how I have the same shirt as Connor now

Something that always bothered me when I was little was that if the bug bit into the bag it would have left holes, so Baby Rae couldn't understand how the venom didn't just leak out of the holes in the bag

I've never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

My headphones keep making a buzzing sound like there's a fly in my room when nothing's playing through them and there is no fly, it's very irritating

It was at this moment in time I realised I'd written "Jenny" in every instance I'd meant "Claudia"

Ah, yes, the convenient amnesia

UGH, Abby's so pretty right here

Stephen is also pretty but like right now we're focusing on Abby

AH THE FATHER-SON MOMENT YESS

IT'S SO POTATOEY AND FUZZY, GOD, THE 2000s

"I don't suppose you'd consider giving me a cool nickname, would you?" *silence* "No."

No, Connor, please, it's better without the hat sometimes, this is one of those times

UGH I LOVE THE ANOMALIES

The Helen Where Are You track is one of my favourite pieces on the Primeval soundtrack, I listen to it all the time

askjhasdkjhsjh the little break that tells you what's on next is included in this recording and apparently Dancing On Ice aired after this episode sdajkhsaskjh

#primeval #rae watches primeval #BOOM BABY #WE BACK #for how long who knows #but i'm here #howarequeue

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whoaiminactivenowwepa · 4 years

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His Dark Materials - Æsahættr - Messy thoughts

[MASSIVE HDM SPOILERS (DUUUH)]

- Oh sht I forgot that the cliff ghasts can communicate

- Pantalaimon low key flirting with Will tho

- "Sez you, rabbit" Dear god I live for every little interaction Lee and Hester have left together

- Mary is supposed to be playing the serpent in the genesis story, but the beautiful irony is how she's easily the kindest and warmest female parental figure here. Honestly, at least one healthy parental figure doesn't have to die in this series 😒

- Paula clearly wants a goodbye hug pleeeaaase

- Literally any time someone mentions Roger in this show, me or my sis or both of us go "ROGEEEERRR"

- Geezus, what right do these witches have to be so beautiful

- Hol up, did Marisa purposefully use the spectres to scare her monkey?? Geez look, I know the golden monkey is a bitch but I really can't help but pity him.

- "All I've learned is that we make mistakes. I don't want to make a mistake with either of these people."

I really wonder how Lyra will react to Lee's death in a 3rd season. One thing I like that the show has done is remind us how Will and Lyra are still only children that have no idea what they're doing, much less what they're getting themselves into. I can imagine her blaming herself or the alethiometer again for being unable to help him, just as she did for Roger before.

- I can't believe this show just did the damn "Run." *beat drops* meme on this scene, I stg

- Had an interesting conversation with my lil sister about that scene with Marisa and the monkey and we came to the conclusion that she just kicked her own ass.

- I also couldn't help but imagine Ruth acting with Bryan for when she goes down on all fours to touch the monkey and it's a beautiful image

- LEE'S HAT :'((((((((

- I don't remember Lee and Hester's interactions leading up to his death being this heartbreaking. Hester being overwhelmed at Lee's head getting grazed and blaming herself baby noooo (〒_〒 )

- LEE'S THEME PLAYING AS HE CALLS FOR SERAFINA JWIDHAJDHH STOOOOOP

- THE CONCERN IN LYRA'S FACE WHEN SHE TELLS SERAFINA TO GO TO LEE,,,,, BABY GIRL I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR COWBOY BALLOON PAPA. HE TRULY DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER LQKDNS

- Hold up tho, there's no way Marisa managed to travel all the way to where Lyra was that quickly. Don't tell me she rode on the spectres or some sht

- "And then we go home?"

"...And then we go home."

I've fuggin had it with this episode man

- Okay so I was wrong about the possibility of Jopari surviving the season, but at least it was easily a major improvement from how he dies in the books. Bye-bye, Juta Kamainen. I won't miss you 👋

- I FORGOT HOW MANY PEOPLE DIE AT THE END OF THE BOOK DEAR GOD

- SHE PUT HER IN A SUITCASE??? MARISA FUGGIN SMUGGLED LYRA IN A SUITCASE?????

- Serafina Pekkala must be having such a bad day. She couldn't save Lee in time and has to be the one to bear the bad news to his best friend. And then she's probably going to come back to the base to find two dead bodies and a missing Lyra

- Why do we get no gay angels this season and have to watch the Wholesome Papa Duo™ die, but Lord Asriel gets to fuggin live wtf

- Stelmaria is really pretty tho and I missed her

- I love how Dafne is referred to as "Ms Keen" here in the end credits too, that's so cute

- ROGEEEERRR AFTER THE END CREDITS BEBEYYYY

- WE'RE NOT GETTING A SEASON 3 FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 2 YEARS FUUUU >:((((

#his dark materials #spoilers #his dark materials spoilers #lyra silvertongue #lee scoresby #will parry #john parry #marisa coulter #serafina pekkala #messy thoughts

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demetriandelibinaryboyfriends · 3 years

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AIGHT Y’ALL I wasn’t tagged but I’m doing this anyways because f u c k i t

It's the year 2021 and you're obsessed with The Karate Kid. How are you feeling?

Deadasss weird as fuck, my dude. Like...out of all the things I could’ve predicted happening in our lord’s year 2021, it definitely was NOT getting hyperfixated on a hammy gay ship with a punk and a nerd from a goddamn karate soap opera. And yet...here we are??? I will never understand hyperfixations, my guy. But I’ve met a lot of really cool people in this fandom, so I can’t really complain.

Did you grow up with TKK or are you new to the series?

I have never seen a single Karate Kid movie in my entire life. When I was a kid, it looked kinda dumb so I never got into it XD But then I saw my roommate watching Cobra Kai on Youtube Red one day (he has every streaming service known to man) and I was hooked. And...here I am!

We gotta do the basics. Favorite character:

Literally EVERYONE except for Kreese, Yasmine, Kyler, and Tory, sorry stans

Okay but if we gotta pick, Johnny Lawrence is my Problematic Fave. Also I love my boy Daniel, he’s trying his best!!! And Amanda LaRusso, we stan a queen!!!

Among the kids, definitely Miguel, with Demetri as a close second. I also love Sam, Aisha, Moon, and Hawk (pre- and post-Bastardization Arc, anyways XD)!

Favorite ship:

Take a look at my username and take a WILD FUCKING GUESS lmao Yes it’s Eli/Demetri because DUH, every interaction they have is so fucking gay and Eli fucking saved him!!! And came back to him!!! And betrayed the world’s most terrifying dojo with a WAR CRIMINAL SENSEI all for Demetri!!! And how Demetri was willing to forgive him for everything at the drop of a hat because he always had faith there was still good in his best friend??? That’s TRUE LOVE motherfuckers. Please let them kiss in Season 4. I will sell you all of my limbs. Sam/Miguel is a close second because they’re cute as shit and it’s just so lovely to see two people so unapologetically smitten with each other. They are in LOVE, and I will RIOT if they break up again!!! Keep Sam and Miguel together 2k21!!!

Underrated character:

SAMANTHA LARUSSO!!! The amount of hate my girl gets for acting like a normal teenager and fucking up occasionally JUST like the rest of the cast makes me want to start punching things. She cares SO MUCH about her friends!!! And she loves the shit out of Miguel!!! She hasn’t always been the best friend but you know what??? Neither has Hawk, and we still forgave his ass!!! Also LET HER BE FEMININE but also kick utter ass, my god!!! Femininity should not be synonymous with being weak, y’all! ALSO DEMETRI, like yes, he likes to complain and occasionally run his mouth, but guess what else he likes to do??? Never give up on the love of his life his best friend Eli Moskowitz and refuse to lose faith in him no matter how much of a little shit he’s become, and I for one think that’s very badass of him. Also the way he takes care of Eli pre-Cobra Kai in his own snarky bastard way makes me absolutely Weak and needs more appreciation. Like the dude has charisma and COULD have probably made other friends and left Eli behind if he wanted, but did he??? No, he wants the weepy loser with the lip scar in the polo shirts and dorky sweaters and will protect him as much as his wimpy ass is able!!!

Underrated ship (don’t say therapy, lol):

Among the adults, Daniel/Amanda!!! Like maybe I just don’t watch that much tv, but it seems kinda rare to me to see a happily married hetero couple, and it’s just nice to see a married couple who genuinely love each other and where there’s not like...lingering resentment or some shit. I feel like this ship gets overshadowed by Lawrusso a lot (which like--okay, fair!!! Daniel and Johnny do have a ridiculous amount of chemistry, and the gay undertones are undeniable, so I get it), and it makes me kinda sad. I do love Lawrusso, but I don’t like when Amanda has to get her heart broke for it to happen, you feel? Among the kids, honestly YasMoon. Like I really love the idea of Yasmine trying to better herself because of Moon’s influence on her and because Moon like...inspires her to be a better person, I guess? With their pretty strong friendship, it just makes more sense to me for Yasmine to get a redemption arc through Moon than through Demetri. ALSO girls DO often pull the whole “mean girl” shtick to cover up being closeted lesbians, and Moon IS canonically bi, so it could work!!! I just think this one could be a really interesting Friends to Lovers take, and could make a really nice coming-out arc for Yas. And MoonPiper too, honestly!!! Like they only got 5 seconds of screentime so I understand WHY it’s underrated, but I still love what we DID get and loved that there was a canon gay ship (even if only for 1 scene lmao). I’m really excited to potentially see more of them in Season 4!!! Please, I’m begging!!!

Wax On, Wax Off or Sweep the Leg?

Sweep the Leg because it will always be deeply hilarious to me how Demetri took note of the first move Eli ever used on him and spent presumably weeks perfecting it OUT OF SPITE just to get him back with it at the soccer game MONTHS later. Just goes to show how OBSESSED Demetri is with Eli and their little karate rivalry which is just NOT straight, I’m sorry

Which of Daniel’s dumb little outfits is your favorite?

There’s something so funny about this pretentious little fuck walking around in fancy suits once he becomes a #SuccessfulBusinessman, and still occasionally trying to do karate in a full-ass suit (take THAT, Tom Cole’s boba!!!) I’m also a big fan of how he looks in his gi with his little headband. Still killing that look as a 40-50-something!!!

Character from the films you most want to return, who’s not Terry Silver:

Tbh I have still never seen a single Karate Kid movie (they took them off of Netflix, RIP), so...I don’t really care if they bring anyone else back??? I’m invested in the characters we already have in the show, I don’t need some rando from the movies to make a cameo to have a good time XD The only character I really wanted them to bring back was Ali, and they already did, so like...I’m good??? That’s all I really needed, I can die in peace now XD

Scene that lives in your head rent-free:

Basically any fluffy Elimetri scene, but 5 in particular: ~Miguel first meeting Eli and Demetri at the lunch table, and Eli looking at Demetri like he hung every goddamn star in the sky ~Demetri going off at a terrifying, “unhinged” karate sensei on the first day of Cobra Kai because he made fun of Eli’s lip and Demetri is not about that shit ~ELI STEALING DEMETRI’S NACHO AND SMIRKING AT HIM, LIKE EXCUSE ME SIR PLEASE BE A LITTLE LESS HOMOSEXUAL IN FRONT OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ~Eli yanking Demetri onstage during Valley Fest to hold a board, and Demetri being visibly like...extremely turned on when Eli breaks said board ~ELI SAVING DEMETRI DURING THE CHRISTMAS FIGHT, ELI APOLOGIZING, DEMETRI AND ELI KICKING COBRA ASS TOGETHER AKSBDCUWYVCBU

Will Anthony LaRusso ever be relevant?

I hope not! He’s kind of a funny meme character to pop up now and again but I don’t think he deserves a serious plotline when there are so many more interesting characters to follow.

You live in The Valley and are forced into the karate gang war. Which dojo do you join?

Miyagi-Do because Cobra Kai would eat me alive. Also I’d probably straight up get stuck and die in that cement mixer, if I even made it that far XD Besides, being salty that your friend who you have a crush on likes martial arts better than you and starting martial arts to impress them but also being too lazy to join anything TOO intense is a Big Mood and I am certainly not speaking from personal experience here, no sirree

What’s your training montage song?

"Shut Up and Drive” by Rihanna for a weight-training and bicep-flexing montage, “Whatever It Takes” by Imagine Dragons for a more intense punching-and-kicking-shit montage. I don’t know why this is, I just feel it in my heart.

It’s the crossover event of the century! Which TV show are you combining with Cobra Kai for an hour-long Saturday night special?

*Briefly panics because I don’t actually watch that much TV and most of the stuff I do watch is fantasy/sci fi shit that absolutely would not work for a CK crossover*

Hmmmm okay but ACTUALLY

You know what would be fucking funny as hell would be an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia crossover. Allow me to elaborate: ~The Gang goes to LA on vacation during the height of the Karate Dojo Wars. They literally can get barely anything done without all these goddamn karate-fighting teenagers getting in the way. ~They are all very annoyed by this. Even the most obscure of tourist attractions is eventually intercepted by karate fights. ~Mac tries to join Cobra Kai because he sees all this karate fighting on, and wants to unquestionably prove both his badassery and masculinity. Both Johnny and Kreese are like “Wtf are you doing here? Aren’t you like 30?” ~Mac gets a planet-sized crush on Johnny after all of 5 minutes and endlessly gushes to the gang about him. The gang mercilessly roast him about this and about how much of a pathetic loser with his life together in no way whatsoever Johnny sounds like. They proceed to have exactly 0 self awareness about this. ~The Waitress is in town visiting family or something, and Charlie is stalking her, as per usual. However, every time he’s about to go up and talk to her, a pack of battling Miyagi-Dos and Cobra Kais throwing punches and kicks everywhere blocks his path. One times, Mac is among one of these packs and Charlie is like “???? He didn’t get kicked out of that teen karate dojo yet???” ~Seeing how much the Kids These Days seem to like fighting, Charlie drops by a local high school to try and sell Fight Milk to the kids doing karate. Only Kyler and Brucks buy into it, and subsequently get the entire West Valley High wrestling team sick. Charlie is inevitably arrested, as Counselor Blatt thinks he’s selling the kids drugs. ~Dennis makes a plan to have sex with every hot chick he can in Los Angeles. He meets Ali on a dating app post-divorce, and inevitably tries to bang her. It doesn’t work. ~Frank crashes the rental car, and inevitably the gang ends up at one of Daniel’s dealerships. Dee quickly takes a liking to Daniel and is like “Watch, assholes--Imma homewreck this guy’s marriage.” She starts frequenting the dealerships to attempt to flirt with Daniel, until one day she walks in on him having sex with Johnny in a back room and she’s like “Is that the guy from Mac’s goddamn dojo?!?!” ~Dennis, of course, tries to sleep with Amanda. Amanda is not having it, and rebukes him in the most snarky, Amanda-esque way possible. Dennis is just like “Oh not AGAIN--the women in this goddamn diva city have too high of standards!” ~Later on, the gang is at the beach and Dennis spots the blonde lady he went out on an ill-fate date with, and decides to give it another shot--that is, until he sees her go up and kiss another woman and he’s like “IS THAT THE LADY FROM THE CAR DEALERSHIP??? STUPID-KARATE-KICK-COMMERCIAL’S WIFE?!? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.” ~Dee complains to Dennis about her lack of luck getting laid, and Dennis is just like “Oh come ON, is everyone in Los Angeles gay???” Smash cut to Hawk and Demetri having sex, Moon and Piper making out, Bert and Nate holding hands, Chris and Mitch doing oral, and Amanda, Ali, and Carmen having a threesome. ~Frank tries to scam Kreese into buying cheaply-made karate equipment for his dojo. The gang ends up having to leave LA because Kreese is quite literally plotting all of their murders.

For tagging, uuuuhhhhhh @jackonthelongwalk @soe-leo @max-eagle-fang @cc-tinslebee @backawayfromthegay @asphodel-storm do the thing, if y’all haven’t yet!

#cobra kai #cobra kai season 1 #cobra kai season 2 #cobra kai season 3 #ck #tag game #binary boyfriends #daniel larusso #johnny lawrence #it's always sunny in philadelphia #iasip

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fluffyglass · 3 years

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THE MR. RUDE APOLOGISM MASTERPOST

you may be asking "Oh dear god what has Finn gotten up to this time?" well, that my friend, is a very valid question! The answer to which is as follows: He's rewatched every single TMMS segment with Mr. Rude in it to prove that he's done nothing wrong!

After many many hours of rewatching, I've come to some conclusions on the depressed tomato man. I'll give a quick rundown here, then throw my episode by episode analysis under the cut.

Season 1

Mr. Rude is in 30 episodes in Season 1.

In only 3 of these episodes does he do anything wrong.

In 4 of the episodes where he's innocent, Mr. Fussy yells at him for no reason.

Season 2

Mr. Rude is in 30 episodes in Season 2.

In only 6 of these episodes does he do anything wrong.

In 1 of the episodes where he's innocent, as well as one where he did do something wrong, Mr. Fussy yells at him for no reason.

Conclusions

In total, Mr. Rude only actually did anything wrong in 9 out of the 60 segments he's in, which is 15%. That's less than a quarter of the time. Even counting the three episodes I was unsure about, that's only 12/60. 20%. Still less than a quarter.

Why have I been bringing up Mr. Fussy? Because this experience genuinely made me not like him anymore. In only one out of Mr. Fussy's 7 appearances with Mr. Rude does he not yell at him, and in five of the times he does - it was completely unjustified.

Now, onto the episode by episode section!

Ah, you wanna see my episode by episode analysis? Well, I'll give you a quick color legend first.

Yellow - Mr. Rude does nothing wrong

Red - Mr. Rude does something wrong

Blue - Mr. Fussy yells at Mr. Rude for no reason

Pink - I have no idea what to put for this one lmao

Also, there's a ton of cursing in here because I wrote these notes as I went along and I don't feel like editing them to be more professional. You get what you get when it comes to Mr. Rude apologism.

SEASON 1

Flying - He does nothing wrong, he just asked Mr. Grumpy to do his fucking job. Though, I will admit, he was a dick about it.

Music - He does nothing wrong, Miss Naughty is a fucking bitch and Mr. Fussy targeted him for no got damn reason even though he has fucking ears and should have heard Miss Naughty going off on her fucking cymbals. Miss Naughty also tried to poison him so

Farm - He does nothing wrong, those bitch ass crows broke his fucking robot I cant believe this.

Booboos - He does nothing wrong, he literally just wants some decent service while he is in the fucking hospital and Mr. Scatterbrain is a fucking moron about it

Mall - He's barely in it and I will admit he is a bit of an asshole in this one but he doesn't do anything explicitly wrong

Birthday - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to buy a birthday present for his homie Mr. Grumpy. In fact, he shows that he cares about his friend because he knows what he would want (and gets something he wouldnt like, presumably as a joke). Hes a caring friend but also a troll.

Superstore - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to return his shitty toaster. It ends up well for everyone involved :)

Books - He does nothing wrong, he is literally just neurodivergent and cannot read social situations

Camping - He does nothing wrong, he tried to warn everyone that they were going the wrong way, and then called out Miss Whoops on her fucking bullshit and putting everyone in danger. He then proceeded to fucking die. Miss Daredevil doesnt even give a shit about two of the raft riders fucking dying what the fuck.

Paint - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to finish his painting commission.

Jobs - This is the one I time I'll admit he does something really wrong. He commits multiple driving related crimes, as well as throwing his sandwich at Mr. Quiet, splashing Mr. Nosey and Mr. Small, and taking advantage of Mr. Scatterbrain's stupidity. He also crumpled up Mr. Scatterbrain's drawing of a hamster.

Trains - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Fussy's a bitch ass motherfucker, and he did more good than bad because he rescued Mr. Messy at the end.

Fair - He does nothing wrong, he got a fucking pie yeeted at him of course he wouldn't like it. He does put the pie in Mr. Scatterbrain's face though but he already got it in his face so it's just even now. He then proceeds to be pelted with pies. But thankfully it seems like they're both having fun by the end.

Movies - Yeah he's a bit of an asshole in this one. He puts too much cheese on Mr. Happy's nachos (and then throws them at him). He does get his karma though cause he gets fucking trapped in the popcorn machine someone please save him oh my god.

Dance - He does nothing wrong, he just has taste.

Inventions - He does nothing wrong, Miss Chatterbox just doesnt like him for the way he is which is super fucked up of her. What the fuck, man. He accepts Miss Chatterbox's invention regardless. He then proceeds to be abused by everyone around him. Hes totally justified in being mean at the end.

Amusement Park - Okay yeah he was an asshole in this one, cause he was rude to Miss Calamity about her supposed grooming habits. However, he was also abused a lot during multiple of the bumpers, which I guess counts as karma.

Adventure - He literally doesnt even do anything in this one

Rainy Day - Dude, his entire fucking family died. Give him a break.

Games - He did nothing wrong, he won the fucking game but Mr. Scatterbrain took the credit what the fuck he only had 3 POINTS MR RUDE HAD 4 MR. HAPPY YOU DUMB YELLOW FUCK LEARN HOW TO COUNT

Restaurants - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Fussy is so fucking mean to him I will never get over this he deserves so much better what the fuck

Cars - he's just vibin man

Canned Goods - He does nothing wrong, he just ate some beans man

Collecting - he's barely in it and just kinda vibes

Full Moon - He does nothing wrong, he legit just got kidnapped by some fucking aliens with his alien husband

Heatwave - He does nothing wrong, 6 gay men just casually committed acts of Home Invasion and are going to be arrested for their crimes against him.

Sleep - He does nothing wrong, and I doubt anyone would have even noticed he was asleep if Miss Chatterbox kept her fucking mouth shut. He cant control what hes doing if hes fucking asleep. Even after all that he still clapped for Mr. Fussy, who hates him, at the end. What a champ.

Carwash - He does nothing wrong, Miss Calamity technically fucking kidnapped him what the fuck.

Lawns - He does nothing wrong, he didn't want to take his lawn to begin with and then got his lawn ruined for literally no reason, even after warning Me. Nosey and Mr. Small that their invention was gonna explode. He even gave Miss Chatterbox the joy in knowing she "won".

Parade - He does nothing wrong, he legit just made a float and Mr. Fussy fucking bullied him for it. What the fuck.

SEASON 2

Clean Teeth - Yeah hes a bitch in this one but Mr. Fussy was also a bitch so it evens out.

Airports - He does nothing wrong, he just wanted to go on his flight. Of anything, Miss Scary was more rude than he was.

Game Shows - He does nothing wrong like. Genuinely nothing, and then gets physically assaulted.

Hats - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Grumpy's just a fucking bitch and took credit for both his and Mr. Tickles hats. What the fuck, man.

Robots - He does nothing wrong, he legit just got his baguette burnt wtf

Up and Down - He's fine for the first bit but I will admit hes an asshole in the second one

Gifts - He does nothing wrong, he's just trying to keep Mr. Tickle from fucking assaulting people. Then his entire store is destroyed for no reason.

Sun and Moon - He does nothing wrong, he barely did anything at all

Telephone - I refused to watch this one I just know hes a bitch in it

Washing and Drying - He does nothing wrong, he just wanted his laundry done and he got assaulted at the end. Why is this a trend.

Fruit - He stole Miss Sunshines fucking fruit and then proceeded to endanger everyone around him by driving recklessly. What the fuck, man.

Radio - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Scatterbrain is just a moron, and Miss Whoops is a dumbass.

Supermarket - ???

Cinema - He doesn't do anything wrong, and he looks very nice in his new hat.

Post Office - He doesn't do anything wrong, hes trying his best okay (he also gets covered in stamps at the end)

Pets - He doesn't do anything wrong, he doesn't do anything at all

Dance Dance Dance - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Fussy's a fucking bitch

Trees - He doesn't do anything wrong, someone free him

Library - He didnt even do anything man

Pirates - He doesn't do anything wrong, in fact he is the first to jump in and protect his crewmates from the aliens. He also saves the entire space crew in the end.

Trains and Planes - He doesn't do anything wrong, he barely does anything to begin with

Out to Sea - He doesn't do anything wrong, it makes sense for him to act in his own self interest because he was stuck on a deserted island with those three morons for 30 fucking days. He didn't intend to take the boat, because the tide rolled him out. He is now inevitably going to die.

Next Door - Yeah hes a bitch in this one, but he didnt deserve to get his fucking car crushed.

Lunch - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn drew first blood.

Machines - This is a weird one. Is he really in the wrong for wanting to go home? I mean, it's safe to assume Miss Giggles is fucking dead if she was taken by a dinosaur. He even vows not to doubt Miss Daredevil at the end and is happy to see Miss Giggles okay

Fairies and Gnomes - even though he thinks it's silly that Mr. Nervous is scared of a garden gnome, he still "arrests" it to make him happy :)

Home Improvement - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn is just a moron.

Birds - He doesn't do anything wrong, he was even nice enough to invite Mr. Nervous along for the birdwatching trip. He's totally justified in not giving a shit about Mr. Fussy because Mr. Fussy has been nothing bit horrible to him the entire show.

Parks - He does nothing wrong he just wanted a burger

Surprises - Refused to watch this one again, I just know hes a bitch

Wow, that's a lot. Anyways, as a proud Mr. Rude apologist, I conclude that he's an innocent man and doesn't deserve the shit he gets. I can get taking his drivers license though that man cannot drive for the life of him

#mr men #the mr men show #mr men and little miss #mr rude #anyways #mr fussy SUCKS #I LEGIT PULLED A REVERSE MR STUBBORN WITH HIM #HE USED TO BE MY FAVORITE BUT I JUST #CANT STAND HIM ANYMORE #fuck mr fussy #all my homies hate mr fussy

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thecringefailintherye · 4 years

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Oliver! (1968) Live (re) watch!

i have already seen oliver!, but not in ages, so i decided to watch it again, enjoy

very long post warning

fuckin hell these opening credits are LONG

i love the fact instrumentals of songs in the movie are playing

i have chocolate popcorn, apple lucozade and oliver! on, life is good

yes i know mark lester is oliver ive seen this like 20 times can i watch the film now

OH ABOUT FUCKING TIME

god is love

IS IT WORTH THE WAITING FOR IF WE LIVE TILL 84 ALL WE EVER GET IS GRUELL

i forgot how much of a banger food glorious food is

LOOK AT BABY MARK LESTER 🥺🥺🥺

ads in middle of movie be like

its harry secombe!

AMENNNN

oliver gets bullied the movie

look at this poor kid

MOREE????????

oh yes oliver i love this song

O L I V E R

poor kid

without any bannister yikes

the one who named him........O-L-IV-ERRR

oh were outside now

olivers just been kicked out oh shit

but on the plus side he has a cute ass hat on

BOY FOR SAY AL

look at oliver 🥺 he deserves better

SOWERBERRY MORE LIKE SHITTERBERRY

theres a severe lack of thats your funeral and i shall scream

noah claypole more like noah clayprick

“perhaps... if i had a tall hat?” BABEY

HES GOT HIS TALL HAT ON YES OLIVER

oliver said dab on them haters from your old gaff youre a funeral advisor now and theyre still homeless

DONT INSULT HIS MUM FUCK YOU NOAH

YES OLIVER KILL HIM

yes stuff the nine year old in a coffin and sit on it well done

"OLIVAH ??" "Yes im here: ((("

ITS MEAT!

oliver deserves better man

im gonna cry and were like 25 minutes in.

ik its not mark singing but whoever it is CAN SING WTF

i want to give him a hug

OH SHIT HES RUNNING AWAY

hes in the lettuce

LONDON YOU MADE IT !

yes oliver trains exist

DODGER!!!

whach you starin at aint ya ever seen a toff

the beak

look at lil jack wild

me more hintimate friends

cockney accent™️

the artful dodga

CONSIDERR YOURSSELF AT HOEME COSNIDER YOURSWLF OEN OF THE FAMILY !!!!!!!!!!

im sorry i love this song

look this scene is awesome, but it would be COMPLETE with charley oh wait he was demoted to extra and everything interesting abt him was given to dodger

he should have gotten the nobody tries to be ladeeda or uppity bit I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

this cast is BIG

okay i am a Charger Enthusiast but do we all agree there is something oddly homosexual about oliver and dodger in this song

note how dodger is scared of the police FORESHADOWING

ive taken to this SO STRONGITSCLEARWEREGOINGTOGETALONG

how many extras is this ???? yall better be gettin paid

its dodga comin up

this set is sraight out of the book i love it

CHARLEY MATE IM SORRY THEY MADE YOU AN EXTRA

“oh not again” does dodger just always show up with random workhouse kids

ah yes fagin the character whos still a negative jewish stereotype

more and more big cast

THESE SAUSAGES ARE MOULDY! (am i going to freak out whenever charley does anything because i love him? yes)

stfu drink your gin

is this a laundry?? no fam

THE BEST FUCKING SONG IN THIS MUSICAL

IN THIS LIFE ONE THING COUNTS

sorry if i dont add to this until pick a pocket or two is done bc its a straight banger

this song is EVERYTHING

hard at work lol ok

did he make those himself??? no

couple a wipes

EMBROIDERED THEM??? no

petition for all oliver twist adaptations to refer to charley as master bates like the book and for him to have actual lines and not have his actor switched at least three times

i dont even now who charley is at this point because his actor is switched many a time im just gonna say purple blazer kid is charley

anyway charley bates supremacy

whos bill sikes??? NO

fuck bill all my homies hate bill

rum tum tum is a banger

go bed now

take your hat off in bed dodger

movie fagin has rights

fagin leaving where will he go

BET IS THAT YOU

FUCK OFF BILL NO ONE LIKES YOU

NANCY NANCY HES HERE !!!!!! bet deserves everything and more ily 💖

NANCYYYY!!!!!!

its a fine life more like its a banger

wheres all of bets lines gone

bet 🤝 charley (being demoted to extras)

its not funny anyore bet.. bet girl please sing youre the best fucking thing about this song

such a happy song about domestic abuse

THERE SHE IS THATS MY GIRL BET I FUCKING LOVE YOU

bullsye rights!

i hate how this movie made fagin more symathetic but he’s still a “greedy jew” stereotype

oliver?????

at this moment fagin knew he fucked up

nancy you deserve better than bill

oh hi dodger forgot you existed

and the rest of you except oliver

ah yes charley “sausages” bates i missed you

THESE FUCKING KIDS THEY ALL LOVE BET AND NANCY MY HEART

im a regular gent i am. no dodger you arent

why is “permit me to assist you across the road” so fucking funny

pov dodgers back on his bullshit so you have to pretend to be a horse and cart for him

not “sir artful” 😭😭😭

anyfink for youu

WHAT FISTICUFFS???!!!

i feel sorry for the child extras man theyve prob had to film this scene like ten times

THESE KIDS CAN SING

the boys dancing with eachother is too fucking wholesome i love this

again, movie fagin rights

weed riissk lifee and limmbb

you promised we could go see the angin!!!!!

ats on boys time were off

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG

HOW COULD WE LET HOW COULD WE FORGET OUR DEAR OLD FAGIN WORRY!!

mate that aint single file did you not hear him

am i the only one who can hear london bridge is falling down in the back??

our pockets hold a watch of gold that chimes upon the hour!!! a wallet fat an old mans hat!!! the jewels from the tower!!!

WE KNOW THE NOSEY POLICEMEENNNN

dodger and charley (i am SURE charley is purple blazer kid even if havent seen this film in ages) are GETTING INTO THIS

oliver 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

movie fagin rights pt 27238227

DODGER OLIVER COME ON!!!!!!!!! alright dude chill

ARE YALL SEEING THIS SHIT, I WAS RIGHT, I TOLD YOU THAT THE LAD IN THE PURPLE BLAZER WHO SINGS “a wallet fat an old mans hat” WAS CHARLEY BATES AND GUESS WHAT HE FUCKING IS. I WAS RIGHT, PURPLE BLAZER KID IS CHARLEY YOU CAN LEAVE NOW

no dont were only an hour in

three kids on the back of the omnibus what will they do

dodger and charley said be gay do crimes

ah shit now look what youve gotten us into dodger

IT WASNT EVEN OLIVER IT WAS CHARLEY AND DODGER GO AFTER THEM

are dodger and charley straight up framing oliver for a crime they commited while also helping him escape

yes they are why are we surprised

i hate to break it to you dodger but hiding oliver in a meat sack doesnt work

OLIVERS ON THE ROOF????

charley and dodger got oliver into this mess and they are not going to get him out

WHY DIDNT YOU LOOK AFTER HIM????? right calm down fagin

how could i help it :((((

no bill!

stan nancy

“two other boys stole it” no shit

BROWNLOW !

run bitch run

right intermission time now

AND WE’RE BACK!

entr acte

who will buyyy

strawberry girl is carrying this

oliver owns my heart pt 278983728938728

this is a banger wtf

okay its done now right

right?????

UHH BILL???? DODGER???? BITCH WHY TF ARE YOU HERE

have bill fagin nancy and the boys been stalking oliver???

NO SHE WONT FAGIN!

shit.

fuck bill

this scene is far more sadder when you think of how the boys have just seen the only woman they see as a mother figure been hit to the flo or, im not crying, you are

as long as he needs me :(

FUCK YOU BILL

rose maylie is that you?!

look at lil oliver!!

BILL FUCK OFF

i hate bill

“look at his togs! he’s got books too!” charley and dodger are my emotional support kids

anyway have i mentioned i hate bill, bc i hate bill.

I REALLY REALLY HATE BILL

even fagin aka the guy whos keeping these kids as pickpockets has more morals than bill

WE STAY CALM!!

no bill i havent heard a dying chicken

act one was just childish antics now we have THIS

fuck bill

YOURE TELLING ME THE BOYS WATCHED THAT????

jack wild is a banging actor. he genuinely looks terrified 🥺

this film..

a mans got a heart hasnt he?? yes you do!!!

a full song dedicated to movie fagin rights?? did i ghostwrite this?? probably

banger

ithinkidbetterthinkitoutagain!

villains theives and nine year olds

MR BUMBLE?????!!!!!!!!!!

fuck bill pt72898376728909878199

bill youre traumatising him

cmon nance do something!!

also completely forgot abt this but uh does monks exist in this i forgot bc we have had no mentions of him yet

nancy tell him who bill is!!!

bullseye deserves better

uhm what is going on

bill sikes more like bill yikes

oliver what are you doing

BILL TERRIFIES ME

FUCK

omg oom pah pah????

leave oliver alone bill hes like nine

oh banger

OOM PAH PAH THATS HOW IT GOES!!!!!!!!!

just asking are nancy and bet lesbians bc they look it

COULD IT BE OOM PAH PAHHHHHH

god i love this song

IT SHOOOOOWSSSSSS

its the same oom pah pah

“She was from the country but now shes up a gumtree she let a fella feed her then lead her a long” foreshadowiinnggg

OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH!

nancy is so fucking smart

getting the whole pub singing and dancing to smuggle out oliver? clever

fuck

bill.. no.. bill.. bill????

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKC

BILL GET OFF HER

NANCY NO

HE STRAIGHT UP COMMIT MURDER AGAINST THE NICEST CHARACTER

BROWNLOW DO YOU NOT HEAR NOTHING

nancy deserved a better death than to be killed by bill fuck bill

EVEN BULLSEYE HATES YOU BILL

ARE THEY ACCUSING BULLSEYE OF MURDER

FUCK YOU BILL

movie fagin rights + fuck bill combo?

youre telling me fagin had an ESCAPE ROUTE??? AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOUSE THING??? THE WHOLE TIME???

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD

BILL

fuck, well. #

“WHAT DO I DO!?” “LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME, DODGE ABOUT”

ten quid says dodgers been caught

oh no all fagins shit is gone

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD PT 2

FUCK YOU BILL

GOD I HATE HIM

OLIVER MATE ARE YOU OK

never have i been so happy to see a character die

rest in shit bill

hi dodger thought you got caught n went to australia

god, this film is so fucking good.

reviewing the situation 2.0 goes hard

MOVIE. FAGIN. RIGHTS!

FAGIN YOU CAN BE A GOOD MAN YOU KNOW YOU CAN

DODGER??????????

IM TOTALLY NOT CRYING RN

FAGIN NO DONT TAKE IT

FUCKING PLOTTWIST

IT MADE IT LOOK LIKE FAGIN WAS GONNA GIVE THE WALLET BACK TO DODGER BUT NO

once the villain you’re the villain to the end

i completely forgot abt this scene since i’ve been reading the oliver twist book and in that dodger gets arrested and fagin gets hanged but here they get away?

god this is bittersweet

I THINK WE’D OUGHT TO THINK IT OUT AGAIN!!!!!

thats where the film should have ended, i get olivers the main character but it ending on dodger and fagin walking out into the sunset is such a pleasing ending man

oliver gets his happy ending abt time

YES CONSIDER YOURSELF AND BE BACK SOON (THE BIGGEST BANGERS IN THE FILM) CREDITS SONGS!!

well.. that was a journey and half

#oliver!#oliver twist #oliver #oliver! 1968 #oliver 1968 #charlie’s comfort movies #oliver twist 1968 #oliver! the musical #oliver the musical #musicals #1960s #1960s movies #60s #mark lester #jack wild #oliver reed #ron moody #shani wallis #and everyone else in the huge ass cast

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rockfact · 3 years

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fuck it liveblogging tpoh but putting it in one post so its not annoying (pls read tpoh before reading this post its got so many spoilers) also this is rlly long (http://jolleycomics.com/TPoH/The%20Hook/1)

anyway wow rgb rlly didnt like hero in the beginning eh?

OOOH THIS IS WHERE THE BUTTERFLY COMES FROM I FORGOT IT WAS THIS EARLY

god i love the worldbuilding in this beginning bit like ofc theres lies and doubts and fears like sure!! why not!!! this guys got a tv head!

oh dude rgb dead<3

MADRAS MY BELOVED

"cover ur vents" dude he IS a tv eh. well i know that she takes apart his wiring later but LMAO

rgb hates water<3 i would too if i was a tv. my sona is a tv but has water IN them so... yknow

TOby MY BELOVED HELLOOO

oh yeah the ferrys gone innit

sorry she did what to u TOby??? WHAT???

DIAL HI HI HI HI HI DIAL IL LOVE YOU

i forgot rgb is British. gay little guy who says cheerio and telly

bro her fucking dreams got in his vents oh no

YOOO HIS SUIT CHANGED COLOR AFTER GLITCHING i love this fucking comic

dude she killed that idea OH hi the moth butterfly is back

oh nooo the doubts r here and shes crying nnonoooo

GOD GET HER tHE DOUBTS R GONNA EAT HER ALIVE DAMMIT

OHF UCK THE FEARS ARE BACK AND OH FUCK A GRIEF TOO?!??? FUCK

oh bro the grief fuckin cried on him oh noooo wait isn't this when he goes negative. i think soYEAH IT IS !!! NEGATIVE MY CONFUSING BELOVED

get those fears asses negative wooo !!!! also bye the grief ^_^

oh yeah gotta take him to the tree since he's out of order eh

ASSOK ASSOK ASSOK

oh rgbs outfit changed again. does that when he glitches it seems:) i love it

hero pls just listen to him

assok i LOVE YOUUUU

THE FUCKING TREE MELTED CANT HAVE SHIT IN [whatever this place is called i don't remember rn]

aaand down they go!

OGHHGHH THE IDEA DIAL TOby AND MADRAS ALL SEEING THE TREEEEE YEAHHHHHH

YES THE BIRD I LOVE THE BIRD !!!!

AND MELODY TOO I LOVE THEM BOTH THEYRE GAY <3

poor TOby :(

the fuckin.. god i love this comic. the metaphors for trauma and shit i eat it UP

rgb i love ur puns but please shut up /j

DID SOME FUCKIN SCISSORS COME IN HERE AND CUT OUT THE WIVES ??? WHAT THE FUCK<3 LOOKS COOL AF BUT DIE. WHY ohhh that's why we see them later and they're all wet n shit. the ocean ate them

AWE HERO ILY bye you stinkin butterfly get outta here !!!

OHH I FORGOT HOW COOL THE HEARING IN THE DARK BIT IS !

YES THE MARKET I LOVE THE MARKET I LOVE THE FIGHT SCENE ...

HIS SUIT CHANGD AGAIN CUZ OF THE DIMMING OF HIS BRIGHTNESS I LOVE THIS LORE !!!! ITS SO COOL

wait dial don't u dare throw TOby into the abyss i stg. die dial

oh they rlly are cousins huh. sayin the same thing.. also dial die i hate ur gay little headNNNOOOOOOOO HE DROPPED TOby FUCK YOU DIAL

nooo this is making me sad abt the characters i make and then forget :( i don't want them to be forgotten

CELL ILY

DUDE SHES IRONING HIS FUCKING ARM

god i love hero sm

LMAO RGB GETS HORSESHOES <3

i love the explanations of characters getting outlines n stuff. this is so cooooool

oh goodnight to the market. hi dial fuck you OPH HERES THE WIVES !!

oguh the one sided convo ... spooky

mmmmm don't dream around rgb or no good!! bad !!!! love the bits of lore tho. fuck yeah

oh and his clothes changed again i think! nice!!! i love the suit he's wearing in the recent ones.. really my style

WAHHH HERO LEAVING ASSOK BECAUSE ASSOK WANTS IT.. IM FUCKING. I LOVE HERO SO MUCHHHHHH THEYRE SO NICE... i love this story

this story legit be changing the way i look at other stories . mmm solid outlines my beloved

the fact rgb can just turn up his volume to scream louder<3

AH OFUCK THE DUDES GOT A GUN EH oh yeah his names click. i wonder how many names i can steal from this comic

god rgb so smart :)

click my beloved antagonist

HE JKUST SHOT RGB WHAT THE FUCK. SHOT HIM W REDACTED TOO?::?W AHT THE FUCK CLICK

god i love this bit. hero can shoot him or not. he's muted he cant defend himself. its so good oh my god. rgb accepts it too.. he takes his hat off expecting to die oh my god. i love this bit SO MUCHH

the fuckin.. "what do heroes do to monsters?" "SAVE THEM!" LIKE YEAH HERO I LOV EYOU

n then rgb is banned (rightly but how do they get assok back??) and hero becomes his keeper i love this. i fucking love all the chapters in the market

"did you ever forgive me?" "did you want me to?" "...no" "oh, well, that's too bad" HELLO? WHAT!

ogoh and clicks eye(??) falling into the market.... checkovs gun innit

madras lore yesss

all my homies love the world of make believe :)

ah fuck the trees are gone oh this is fuck

I KNEW SHE GAVE HER FINGERS TRAIN

oooh so rgb was a writer? or a comic artist or something???????? cooool

LMAO NICE TIMING LOSERS

!!! CANDLE RABBIT

idea loose in the market!!

AH FUCK CLICK IS BACK :I KNEW IT

the idea is a fish now! cool. good on it. love this idea

oh TOby finally hit the bottom huh?

this rabbit is so confusing wtf

3 suns????????? rabbit cmon man you put us way too forward wtf!!

ah yeah rgb is broken eh? getting close to the end

SHE FOUND ANOTHER BIT OF THE FUCKING SUN? R U KIDDING ME

MELODYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also lmao julienne melted cuz shes cotton candy :(

LMAO HERO IS MELTING HELP

i love how hero goes from obviously human to ?? that could be a monster!

madras time

fuckers turned off rgbs body cant have shit in make believe

MADRAS NO WHAT DONT LEAVE:(

and they step back!

elastic valley my beloved

i love these pigs sm

hi tg

"because he's *trying*" hero id fuckign die for you

AAAAAAAAAAAND I'm caught up! post time. sorry if u read all of this i have an illness and its called sharing my feelings all the time

#this is so long im so sorry oih my godddd #DONT READ IT IF U HAVENT READ TPOH I STG !!!!! PLS READ TPOH #hold on gonna add a link at the top

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boilerevans · 5 years

Text

Last Nite

Summary: Katie and her friend Rachel go to a party in Massachusetts.

Pairing: Chris Evans / Original Character

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: Cursing and dirty talk, drunk Chris

Author’s Note: This is a 2 part one shot. The more time I spent writing, the longer it got. For those of you following A Waiting Game, a new chapter will be posted by Sunday. (Reposting forgot a title.)

~~~

“So explain to me again how you got into this party?” I ask.

“I just know people.”

“Why do you keep avoiding the question?”

“We’ve talked about this. You don’t get to psychoanalyze me.”

“Just answer the question and I’ll stop pressing it.”

The car stops and the Uber driver turns back to look at me and Rachel.

“Thank you,” I say and get out of the car, Rachel following after me.

We stand in front of a pretty large modern house. A few cars parked in the drive behind the gate, and even more strung along the curb.

“Let’s just say I’ve been hooking up with someone who knows him.”

“Someone that just happens to know Chris Evans. Doesn’t seem shady at all Rach.”

Rachel takes her phone out and puts it up to her ear. She looks over at me while it rings and then smiles.

“Hey, you. Kathrine and I are here. Okay, thanks.” She says and then hangs up.

“And that was?” I ask and lean against the gate.

“My guy. He said the gate will buzz and then we can go through.”

As soon as she finishes her sentence, the gate buzzes and unlatches. Rachel pushes through and I follow behind. I close the gate behind me and hear it latch. I follow behind as Rachel leads the way to the front door. I anxiously fix my hair and run my hand through my flowing bangs. When we reach the door, Rachel knocks.

“Coming!” A voice yells.

Rachel quickly pulls up her skirt and pushes up her breasts in her bra. I can’t help but roll my eyes at her. The door opens to reveal Pete Davidson of all people.

“There’s my girl.”

My eyes go wide as I watch Pete take Rachel into an enormous hug and pick her up off the ground. Rachel giggles and I feel like I might vomit. He puts her down and then turns to me.

“You must be Katherine. I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Please call me Katie.”

I reach a hand out but he takes me into a tight hug, engulfing me in the smell of weed. Lovely.

“Come on in. Party’s just getting started.”

As soon as I step in I feel my brain taking omg every inch of this place. Plain. White. Simple. Lightly decorated. Music plays from the distance. Something alternative. Interesting. You follow Rachel and notice that her hand in laced up in Pete’s. What the fuck is going on here. I notice the kitchen off of the hallway. Beer.

“Hey, I’ll see you in a sec. Do you want something to drink?” I ask.

“We’ve got liquor outback,” Pete says.

“I think I’ll just grab a beer,” I say and turn into the kitchen.

You get your phone out and text Rachel

RACHEL WTF.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I grab a Stella from the ice-filled sink and look for a bottle opener. How is there beer but no bottle opener? I take it with me and follow the music to the back yard. I walk through a set of French doors and find myself on a large patio. I spot Rachel in a chair by a large white tent. And by in a chair, I mean on Pete’s lap who is sitting in the chair. They’re sitting with various people and there’s an empty chair next to them. Rachel’s eyes meet mine and she waves.

“Katherine. I saved you a seat.”

I hold up my bottle of beer and wave it at her. She nods reading my mind and I begin to look for a bottle opener outside. I see an outdoor kitchen that has a bartender and various snacks.

“Excuse me. Could you open this?” I ask with a smile and hand it to the bartender.

“I think Cevans took it. Not a bartender just searching for booze.”

I give a small smile and now look for the person I’ve been anxious to meet. Rachel and I had been to a few celebrity parties before. But, come on, Chris Evans? I decide to set the beer down and follow the lead of the other person needing a drink. I grab a cup and get a scoop of ice. There’s a hand on my shoulder. I quickly turn.

“Are you needing this?”

The man of the hour. Chris Evans with a bottle opener outreached to me. I look down at the opener and then up to his face.

“Um. Yes. Please.”

I take it from his hand, turn back around to quickly open the beer and hand it back.

“Thank you.” I smile and walk away before something stupid comes out of my mouth.

“No problem.” He says loudly behind you.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why did I say yes to this? I take a seat in the empty chair next to Rachel and take a large drink of the beer. Relax. Just try to become a part of the conversation. I begin listening to them talk about different things but nothing too important and decide to people watch. That seems better. I take another drink and start to watch as the backyard fills with more people. Hmm. Not as many celebrities as one would expect. It seems to be more people that Chris probably knew from his personal life.

I spot Chris back by the alcohol. He pours himself a drink and laughs as someone tells a joke. I take a drink before I can smile. Damn, he’s cute. Before you look away, his eyes meet mine and he winks. He fucking winks. I look away and turn to Rachel.

“Rachel.”

“Yes?”

“Get me out of here,” I say through gritted teeth.

She gets up from Pete’s lap and puts out a hand.

“Come on. Let’s take a walk. I’ll introduce you to some people.”

I sigh and grab her hand. I take one last swig of my beer and sit the empty bottle down on a table.

“What’s up?” Rachel asks and loops her arm with mine.

“First of all. Pete Davidson? How long has that been going on?”

She chuckles. “Come on Katherine. It’s not a big deal.”

“Please explain that. Tell me how you fucking a celebrity who used to be engaged to ARIANA GRANDE, isn’t a big deal.”

“Please just chill out. It’s not too serious yet. I’m not moving in with him anytime in the near future.”

Somehow we’ve ended up at the bar. She grabs a plate and hands it to me.

“Make us a plate. I’ll get us some drinks.”

You turn to see Chris’s eyes on you again.

“Please do not leave me alone,” I whisper to Rachel and grab her wrist before she’s too far.

“Kathrine. Chill out.” She chuckles and leaves me. Alone.

I begin to scan over the table of food and find myself unimpressed. I set the plate back in the stack and begin to find Rachel. Who is now talking to Chris Evans. I take a deep breath and walk over to her. She smiles and hands you a cup.

“Kathrine. Have you met Chris yet?” Rachel says before you can walk away.

Fuck me.

I take a big gulp of the drink and taste the sting of tequila.

“No, not officially,” Chris says and meets my gaze with a smile.

Swallow. Swallow. Do not spit tequila in this gorgeous man’s face.

“Um hi,” I say.

Short. Sweet. To the point.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

He sticks out his hand. I look at Rachel, then at Chris. Fucking shake his hand. My hand grabs his and shakes it.

“You too.”

I bring the cup back to my lips and quickly finish it. Fuck. That stings.

“Can I get you another beer?” Chris asks.

“Uh sure.”

Rachel walks away before I can ask for back up and smacks me on the ass.

Chris walks towards the house and then stops to turn to me. Am I supposed to follow him? I begin to walk towards him and he starts moving again. He grabs two beers from the sink and places one in front of me on the counter after opening it.

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem sweetheart.”

What a flirt.

“And I go by Katie by the way. Rachel insists on calling me Katherine because I act like a 60-year-old she says.”

He chuckles.

“I can do that.” He says and comes closer to me. “Not really much of a party person are you?”

“I enjoy them. Just in a different way from Rachel.”

“You’re not really dressed for a party.”

I look down at my outfit. High waisted black jeans and a white v-neck knotted at the bottom.

“I wanted to be comfortable. Not really looking to impress. Plus you’re wearing a hat.”

“It’s my house.”

I finally notice that’s he’s less than a foot away from me. And his hand is touching my waist.

“When did you get here?” I ask.

“I live here.”

I squint my eyes at him and then look down at his hand grazing my waist.

“Can I help you?” I ask.

“Maybe I can help you.” He says.

“Chris dear?” A woman’s voice asks behind us.

I turn to see who I’m guessing is his mother. I take this as a way to escape and make my way back outside to find Rachel, yet again. I can’t see her when I step onto the patio and search across the yard so I go and sit at an empty chair by the food.

I am never going to a party with Rachel ever again. I sit on my phone looking through articles of research trying to pass the time. A text from Rachel.

Where did you go?

I respond.

The better question is where did you go and why did you bring me here?

“Excuse me?”

I look up to see a blonde man standing in front of me.

“Yes?”

“Do you mind if I sit here? You look extremely bored and like you might need company.”

“Sure,” I smile.

Definitely gay. No harm in being social right?

“I’m Scott by the way.”

“Katie.”

We cheer our cups and take a drink.

“So how do you know Chris?” He asks.

“I don’t actually. Um, my friend is dating Pete and somehow she roped me into coming here.” I chuckle.

“Rachel? I’ve met her. She’s -“

“Something else.”

Scott laughs.

I take a drink and swivel my chair to look around at the people. The sun is slowly starting to set. I spot Chris playing bags with some friends.

“So what do you do?” He asks.

“I’m actually about to graduate with my Ph.D. in psych.”

“Wow, that’s impressive. Cheers to you.”

My eyes haven’t left Chris. I watch as he laughs after throwing the bag and missing. He pics his beer up from the ground and takes a drink. His eyes are locked to mine. I turn back to Scott.

“Thanks.” Our drinks meet again. “What about you?”

“Oh, I’m an actor. Just small stuff.”

“Oh, nice. Is that how you know Chris?” I ask.

“Oh. Chris is my brother.”

“Ohh. My bad.” I feel my cheeks flush.

“Oh sweetie you’re fine.”

My phone vibrates in my lap.

Chris will not stop asking me about you.

He’s just a flirt. I text back.

“I think I’m gonna go socialize some. Do you want to come? I can introduce you to some people. I’m sure Rachel and Pete are occupied somewhere.”

I nod and get out of my seat. I clutch onto my beer as if it’s some sort of floatation device and begin following Scott around the yard.

It begins to slowly get darker out and I lose track of how long I’ve been following Scott around. I tap him on the shoulder.

“I’m gonna head to the bathroom,” I say.

He waves and then turns back to his conversation. I step inside and see Chris’s mom sitting at the counter.

“Excuse me?” I say.

She jumps a little.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. But where’s the bathroom?” I ask.

“It’s alright dear. It’s just around the corner there. Second door.” She says.

“Thank you.” I set my empty beer bottle on the counter.

I use the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror while I wash my hands. My cheeks are a little flushed since it was starting to cool off outside. I dry my hands off and run a finger against my lashes in hopes to revive them.

I head back to the kitchen to find my bottle is gone and Chris’s mom messing with a trash bag.

“Can I help you with that?”

“Sure.”

“I was gonna get that bottle when I came back. I just didn’t want to be weird and take it to the bathroom.”

She chuckles.

“There’s trash bags under the sink if you don’t mind grabbing one.” She says.

I crouch down and open the cabinet doors to find the most organized cleaning cabinet in the world. I pull a trash bag out of the box and walk back to her. She trades me for the full bag.

“You can just set it in the garage. It’s the door next to the bathroom.”

I take the bag from her hand and begin to walk back to the hallway. I open the other door in the hall and see two black cars parked in the garage. I set the bag down next to another one by the step and shut the door behind me.

“Snooping around are you?”

I jump. I turn around. Guess who?

“Chris,” I say and lean back against the door.

“Kathrine.” He slurs and steps in closer.

“You’re drunk.”

“Yes. And I have something to show you?”

“I think I’ll pass,” I say and start to walk away.

He grabs my wrist.

“Why won’t you let me flirt with you?” He asks when I look back at him.

“Why do you feel the need to?” I ask.

“Because your ass looks amazing in those jeans.” He says under his breath.

He steps in closer.

“And I’ve never wanted to pull someone’s hair so bad.”

I feel my lip quiver and a chill goes through my body. Chris brings a hand to my face and rubs his thumb against my lower lip.

“Are you sure you won’t let me show you?” He asks.

I nod and he takes my hand into his to show me the way. We make our way past the front door and around the corner into a dark room. He shut the door behind us and flicks on the light. A washer and dryer.

“You wanted to show me your laundry room?” I give him a funny look.

Chris wraps his arm around my waist and swiftly pulls me into him. Then he moves our bodies until my back hits the door behind me. A gasp leaves my lips. With his free hand, he caresses the back of my neck.

“Chris.”

“Kathrine.”

“You’re drunk. What are you doing?” My voice is shaky.

“Shh.”

His lips gently meet mine. They’re soft and taste of beer and peppermint. I push into him and the kiss deepens. I feel myself falling into the door but his arm keeps me up. Our mouths open in sync. I feel his tongue again my bottom lip and I moan. He softly chuckles and takes his lips from mine. He pulls his hand away from my neck and puts the other arm around my waist. He picks me up and carries me across the room the dryer, sitting me on top.

“What are you doing?” I ask again.

“Did you not like that?”

“I did. So why did you stop?”

Our lips meet again. I wrap my legs around his waist and pull myself into him. His hands meet my waist and make their way up to my breasts. A little too forward. I take my hands to his and move them back down to my waist. He pulls back.

“Don’t tell me you don’t want me.” He says.

“This isn’t appropriate,” I say and scoot back.

“Just stay. Till the others leave and I sober up some.”

“I don’t know.”

He puts his hands on the tops of my thighs.

“Please.”

He kisses my cheek.

“For me?”

He kisses the other cheek.

I nod and slide my way off the dryer. I adjust my shirt and fix my hair. I turn to him.

“Do I look alright?” I ask.

“Gorgeous.”

He opens the door and I follow behind him.

“You go the way we came. I’ll go a different way.”

He gently kisses me and then turns away. I stand there for a moment to take it in.

“What the fuck?” I whisper to myself.

I go back outside and pour myself a whiskey. I then grab some snacks from the counter and head a table next to the tent. I sit down at a table and look around for Rachel. I take a bite of spinach dip and see her across the tent. She waves and walks over to me, a glass of white wine in her hand.

“I’ve been looking for you.” She says and sits next to me.

“I’ve been uh socializing.” I choke out.

“Oh. Well, I think I’m gonna leave soon. Pete wants to go out for drinks.” She says.

“Alright,” I say and take another bite.

“You’re welcome to join us?”

“I think I’ll stay for a little while.”

I pick up my drink.

“Did you finally hit it off with Chris?”

I spit my drink back into the cup.

“What do you mean by that?” I stutter.

“Well, that’s why I brought you. I guess I talk about you so much, he said I should bring you.”

“Are you serious? You could have told me that?”

“If I would have told you would have been uptight. Probably not even have come. You need to get laid. You’ve been so wired lately with getting your degree.”

“Whatever,” I say.

Pete walks up behind Rachel.

“Our rides here ladies.” Giving her shoulder a squeeze.

“Actually. Katherine is staying.” Rachel smiles.

“Oh, you got charmed by Evans huh?” He laughs.

I get up from the table and walk away. Should I stay here or go home? To find out I’ve been a pawn all day. I’m livid. Maybe I should just keep drinking? Yeah, great coping mechanism Katie. I step onto the patio and throw my plate in the trash.

“Katie! There you are!” Scott says walking out of the house.

I smile.

“I was just telling Chris about you. Chris come meet this girl.”

Chris walks up behind Scott, a smile on his face. I sigh.

“Actually we’ve met,” I say.

“Yes, we have.” Chris says, “but you didn’t mention you were a doctor.”

“Technically.”

“Come on let’s go dance.” He says and walks up to me taking my hand.

#Chris Evans #chris evans imagine #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans one shot #cevans

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alkja · 5 years

Text

Well, here we come: Endgame review (spoilers galore)

Endgame is essentially two different movies for me: the one up until the last three minutes and the one that includes those last three minutes.

The first is a decent movie – riddled with stupid crap, plot holes and the occasional nonsense, but on the whole acceptable.

The second is a waterfall of crap that makes me seethe in anger.

If you liked that ending, I seriously discourage you from keeping on reading. Otherwise, let us discuss the good, the bad, the wtf and the “How dare you?”

THE “DID YOU EVEN TRY THINKING ABOUT THIS” DIVISION

Let’s start with the inevitable: time shenanigans equal inevitable fuckery. That is known.

The most egregious example being: Nebula kills her younger self and is apparently fine and dandy. What the shit? I don’t care if you killed her in 2023 (or whenever Endgame happens, I’m going with Infinity War happening in 2018 as released), if Nebula 2014 dies there is no Nebula 2015 and so on to eventually become Nebula 2023. Ergo, she should absolutely have died. Same with Thanos & Co. No matter where you do it, if you kill a past version of someone, there is no one to do the things they would have done in the future. Thanos 2014 dies, so there cannot be a Thanos from after that to do the Snap.

Which is not bad, go ahead and kill past versions of evil shits, but doing so changes the timeline. Period. Rodhey even proposed that and they had a long nerd out about why that would not be possible... and then they went and did that and pretended it didn’t count. That is so goddamn stupid.

Same with all the time travel.

I don’t care if you go and put the Infinity Stones back, because those stupid McGuffins are not the only thing that can mess the timeline. First of all, there is no one to use them anyway since Thanos died before he did the Snap, but we’re supposed to ignore that.

More to the point, in order to put the timeline to right, you have to put the Stones back after the future Avengers have stolen them. Fine, that puts them back in the timeline. However, that doesn’t erase the actions your slightly-past selves have taken trying to grab them. Which means, for example, that Loki fucking escaped with the Tesseract after Avengers 1, which is a MAJOR change.

Or, it should be. But apparently we’re supposed to ignore that because in the Dark World time Loki is in his cell, and wow. NO. If he escapes in Avengers 1 (with the Tesseract to boot), that leads to massive changes in Dark World and Ragnarok. For one thing, without the Tesseract, the Bifrost cannot be repaired. More essential to those plots, Loki should plainly not be there.

Putting the sceptre back also doesn’t erase the fact that Captain America said “Heil Hydra” to a Hydra agent (oh oh oh, such canny comic references!), who apparently never mentioned it again to anyone ever? Not even to his goddamn boss? So, did Sitwell legitimately think Steve was Hydra up until Winter Soldier? And yet come Winter Soldier he never thought to ask Steve “Wait, even if you’re not actually Hydra, you clearly knew about us for years, so why are you now so outraged like this is brand new information for you? Why did it take you this long to move against us and why are you doing it without much in the way of planning or allies? The hell did you do these past years?”

Hell, why did Sitwell – a prominent Hydra agent in SHIELD who would not raise any flags doing so – never approach Steve, Hydra agent to Hydra agent? No, he discovers that Captain America is apparently Hydra and just rolls with it. No “What the hell, sir?” call to Pierce, no secret handshake to Steve. For years. I can handwave him not saying anything to Rumlow and the rest of Strike, because if Steve is Hydra maintaining his deep cover with everyone is more important than anything (even if they were right there when he gave him the scepter, so what did he say to them?), but not mentioning it to Pierce? Cannot buy that. And not having any mention of that in Winter Soldier is pretty damn unbelievable.

The timeline was also changed by having future!Steve fight past!Steve. And no, it doesn’t matter that past!Steve thought it was Loki. It was still a change.

Not to mention, Loki could not have had a Peggy compass or known shit about Bucky, so it stands to reason it’s not Loki. So, what gives? What did past!Steve think it happened? Hell, come Winter Soldier what did he think about that time some guy who looked and fought like himself told him that Bucky was alive and lo and behold, here comes Buckaroo?

In essence, the Avengers fucked the timeline without lube but we’re supposed to pretend they didn’t.

To me, that is shit.

Mess with time all you like, but acknowledge you’re doing so. Either your plan goes off without a hitch (as if!), or the moment where everything goes inevitably to hell and there are changes - and here we are talking about major changes - you say fuck it, pull out all the stops and change away.

[Ok, I admit it, by that I mostly mean: pull out all the stops, take 5 minutes to explain to your past self you come from the future and tell him to get his ass in gear because Hydra is literally running the government and SHIELD and most importantly Bucky has been frozen, tortured and brainwashed for about 70 years, so get to it, save Bucky Bear save the world, and smash Nazis like the fucking Hulk. May the fic gods, as ever, be kinder to me than the canon ones.]

This “pretend nothing has changed even while we change important stuff that should logically have repercussions” approach only works if you think your audience has the reasoning capabilities of concussed goldfishes. Tony’s last bout of genius solving time travel on the fly deserved better than this.

(Also, good luck trying to sell me on any future conflict stakes when our heroes now have the capabilities of fucking going back in time and change things, even if you don’t want to admit it.)

In the “this is so dumb and nonsensical and wow look at those strings” camp, we also have the two Nebulas being connected. That is so stupid and clearly only there for the sake of plot you can literally see the writers going “Uhm... how can we make it so past!Thanos knows what the heroes are doing? What if we make it so past!Nebula gets the memories of future!Nebula from a galaxy away? How? Why? Because!”

Riveting.

About as riveting as the Thor stuff. Here you can see the writers desperately wracking their brain wondering “But how are we gonna have dumb jokes in a serious movies? Where will we go for cheap, juvenile humor? I know! Let’s make Thor a drunk idiot with a beer belly! Oh oh oh, what could be more funny than a parade of fat jokes, we’re comedic geniuses!”

Yawn. Also, offensive much? But really, everything about Thor spits in the face of his three movies long character arc (which was all about responsibility): dudes, do you even know the characters you’re writing about?

Speaking of desperation: no Steve and Bucky reunion post UnSnapping? Seriously? We have Tony and Peter - who have known each other for 5 minutes - tearfully embrace but no scene between two characters who have known each other all their lives and have been through massive shit in those lives? Marvel execs, we know that every time Steve and Bucky shared a scene The Dreadful Spectre of The GAY appeared and made your blood pressure rise but this is ridiculous.

Which is also why you get no cookie for The First Gay Character in the franchise: an unnamed character in a single blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene, truly stellar representation. What made you believe this was a smart move?

That said, there are some good things in this movie.

THE “I DIDN’T NECESSARILY WANT THIS BUT I CAN ACCEPT YOU DID IT. ALSO, OUCH: MY HEART” DIVISION

First of all, Tony Stark.

Never thought I’d say that, because I’m the furthest thing from a Tony fan and spent all of Ultron and Civil War wanting to punch him. And Infinity War being indifferent to him.

But goddamn if I didn’t feel how goddamn much he adored Pepper and their daughter. Goddamn if I didn’t tear up at his heroic sacrifice, going out with the line that started it all (“I am Iron Man”- my heart), goddamn if I didn’t tear up at his goodbye with Pepper and then at his funeral.

For all his many, many faults – which I’m not gonna forget for a second – Tony went out exactly as he should be: a goddamn hero. With a heart big enough, strong enough to give himself up for everyone else even at the moment where he had everything he ever wished to have.

My hat’s off to him.

Never thought I’d ever say this, but I will miss him.

Other MVPs of Endgame: Clint Motherfucking Barton and Natasha “Love is NOT for Children” Romanoff. I know: Natasha, sure, but who would ever have guessed that about Clint? Prior to Endgame, he was just sort of there, not helped by Ultron and his sudden family in a farm.

Endgame managed to make me care about the family I loathed. How? I don’t know, but I am totally down for a Clint + Kate Bishop + Lila show, where everyone is a badass archer and they are all codenamed Hawkeye just because! I am also totally down for Clint’s badass reinvention (after, I’m guessing, mainlining all 7 seasons of Arrow), no matter how heartbreaking the reason or questionable the style choices.

And that Clintasha scene was pretty much worth the whole movie to me.

Because, first of all, that’s how you solve a problem like the Soul Stone: a willing sacrifice. (Which, btw, makes even more disgusting the fact that we are supposed to see this as equally worthy to Thanos murdering his daughter).

Second, because I am a total sucker for characters fighting about who gets to sacrifice themselves. Clint and Natasha beating the crap out of each other just like in Avengers 1 (just one of many delightful callbacks that pepper the movie), this time because they love each other too much to let the other be the one to die is everything.

Third, because it’s just a really good scene, based on one of the better relationships in the MCU. Even those not shipping Clintasha have no doubt that those two are extremely important to one another, and Renner and Johannson acted the hell out of it - just as they did every scene together, from their reunion post-yakuza slaughter, to the giddiness of flying a spaceship. I teared up like a baby at Nat’s sacrifice and I was right there with Clint hoping for a loophole that made it so we could get Nat back and was heartbroken anew when that did not come to pass.

But, again, the Black Widow went out just like she should have: a true hero, loving, strong and unafraid. The red in her ledger was wiped out once and for all.

The “Feels” subdivision

Scott Lang was an integral part of the solution. I mean, never before have we heard about time passing differently in the quantum realm – and in fact Janet Van Dyne aged the 30 years she spent in it, so more plot service crap – but who cares! Still, his desperate checking to see if his daughter was among the Snapped only to find his own name and running like hell to get to Cassie only to be suddenly confronted with a teenager and realizing he missed those 5 years with her and not caring because she was still there was absolutely perfect.

Speaking of families: I have already said it but Tony and Pepper and little Morgan were amazing.

Also, Thor and Frigga! Frigga was an egregious fridging to start with, so it was lovely seeing her again, but especially giving her a wonderful scene with her son that shows her intelligence and strength and exactly why she was Queen of Asgard. Not to mention being the one to restore Thor’s confidence and absolving him of his failures. Sometimes you just really, really need your mom. (Too bad about that stupid salad joke.)

Natasha and Steve. Just... Natasha and Steve being badly messed up by those 5 years post-Snap and yet being so supportive and understanding of each other. Really, after Winter Soldier, this was the best Natasha movie. And rightly so.

In general, the Avengers being not just a team but also friends, fucking finally. Sure, there is the whole “found family-baited” post going around, but memes aside, it is true that we never got to see those people acting like friends and not merely co-workers. Was that so difficult to do before the very last moment?

THE “IN HERE FOR THE HOLY SHIT QUOTIENT” DIVISION

A small but admirable moment for a villain that was otherwise pretty underwhelming no matter how much they tried passing him off as deep: Thanos having the smarts and the metaphorical stones to goddamn destroy the Infinity Stones. Better to accept never using them himself again than run the risk of someone stealing them and undo his work. He may be evil and incapable of properly understanding the concept of proportions (that whole: if you destroy half of the resources along with half of the people using said resources, you are just as screwed as before), but the guy is smart.

Carol was as amazing as she could be in a movie that by design could not be about her kicking Thanos’s ass up and down the whole galaxy but was necessarily the Last Hooray of the Old Guard. Her face seeing Fury among the Snapped, her entrance and towing a fucking spaceship, her pointing out that while the Avengers have been watching (with mixed results) over a single planet she was watching over a lot of them (likely with better results), her second entrance, her goddamn everything. Not as good as her solo movie but what could ever be?

Speaking of ladies, Valkyrie becoming a Literal Queen warms my heart. I have some doubts about Thor just up and leaving what remains of his people, even after everything (read: I don’t buy it, just like I don’t buy anything about Thor in this movie), but considering Heimdall is not around anymore, we can all agree he left them in excellent, badass hands. I want more.

Switching to metaphorical Valkyries... It was a fanservice-y, mostly unearned scene in a series that has historically been pretty low in female friendships or relationships, but goddamn if the optics of all the badass ladies of the MCU banding together weren’t made of FUCKYEAH! Give us a ladies-led movie, Marvel, you fucking cowards: DC is giving us the Birds of Prey (and Harley Quinn), what’s your excuse?

In that vein: Pepper donning an Iron Man armor! Basically everything I ever hoped for, so much so that for a moment I legitimately thought I had imagined it. Now that Tony is gone, let Pepper step up as Rescue or Iron Maiden or whatever, get her to mentor a bright intern named Riri Williams and we’re set to go for maximum awesomeness.

Still, when talking about maximum awesomeness: CAP. WIELDING. MJOLNIR. We Italians don’t have the habit of reacting to movies out loud at the theatre, but you could hear the current of FUCKYEAH!!! coming from all the nerds in the room, and rightly so. Cap fighting with the shield in one hand and Mjolnir in the other was everything every superhero fan could ever have wished for in a movie distilled into the Crowning Moment of Awesome to top all CMOAs. (Too bad this gets incredibly undermined by that ending beacuse I refuse to believe that that guy could be worthy of a fucking shoehorn, much less Mjolnir.)

Thor dual-wielding Mjolnir and Stormbreaker deserves a mention too.

(This as long as we forget Mjolnir being taken away to the future at the start of Dark World makes gaping holes in Ultron e Ragnarok, because past!Thor wouldn’t have it anymore, but whatever LALALALALA what time logic?)

But the moment that threatened to bring down the house in cheers was the sight of all the Unsnapped returning followed by - finally - the call: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! Every single person visibly restrained themselves from punching the air and shouting along. I think we all regret not doing so, dignity be damned.

So, leaving aside the truck-sized plot holes that are practically a given once you decide to muck around with time travel and the occasional plot-over-character-or-sense stupidity, all in all we have a rather solid movie full of badass moments and with occasionally meaningful emotional beats.

Not my favorite by a long shot, but a mostly fitting end to an insane project no one ever thought could possibly be achieved that ended up sweeping the world and fandom.

Too bad those last five minutes arrive to shit all over that, and incidentally all over a beloved character.

THE “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU GODDAMNED HACKS” DIVISION

Steve – I must suppose SERIOUSLY concussed during the battle to the point of brain damage beyond the repairing capabilities of the superserum – returns the Infinity Stones to the past and, while he’s at it, decides to abscond in the same past to live his life with Peggy, only returning as an old man to pass the shield to Sam.

Awwwwwwwwww... Steve and Peggy living their life together, so heartwarming...

Yeah, except once you think about it, then you want to use that shield to fucking brain the skrull that must be impersonating Steve Rogers.

Because, in order to buy this story, we have to believe that Steve “I don’t like bullies” Rogers, Steve “If I see a situation pointed south, I can't ignore it” Rogers, Steve “On va voir” Rogers, Steve “I can do this all day” Rogers deliberately chose to spend the rest of his fucking life doing exactly nothing, otherwise the timeline would have been SERIOUSLY rebooted.

A life of inaction, hiding the fact of his existence.

Sure, that totally sounds like the Steve Rogers we have been watching up until this point.

Instead of an ending about moving forward no matter what life throws at you, we got one about happiness being literally going backwards.

Because that’s a totally healthy message.

Hell, you decide to go the retirement route, I don’t even necessarily disagree with it. If, after all the trauma of Infinity War + the five years interlude + the shitstorm of Endgame, Steve decided to lay aside the shield for a while and try to make an actual, functional life for himself I would have been all for it. If nothing else, the guy could make do with a lot of therapy. Most crucially, not being Captain America would not mean quitting the fight: he could do just as much good as an artist, a politician, an opinion leader, an activist or what have you. All that is not gonna be possible in the past, because to mantain the timeline he cannot become anyone relevant in any way. Especially since he knows Hydra is still around and attracting notice would mean risking some of that attention coming from them. So no, absconding to the past means by necessity a life not fighting in any way, not doing anything of any particular importance whatsoever.

This is completely antithetical to everything that Steve Rogers, as he was shown up until now, stands for.

And we have yet to touch the morality of it all, or the lack thereof.

Lest I get accused of being a bitter Stucky shipper whose slash goggles cannot make her appreciate a Steggy ending, let me point out that I ship Steggy as much as Stucky and if anything I am a bitter Peggy Carter fangirl: Our Kick-Ass Lady of the No Holds Barred Beatdown unquestionably deserves better than this crap.

By which, I’m not even talking about how this ending shits all over the closure we got before and the entirety of the Agent Carter run, which both show that while Peggy unquestionably loved Steve, she mourned him for a while and then, as healthy people do, moved on to have a perfectly fulfilling life with a rewarding job and eventually a new love and family. I’m not even talking about how this takes her back the “Steve Rogers’ Love Interest” route, Betty Carver-style, instead of letting her be her own woman with her own story that may have started alongside Steve Rogers but then developed on her own terms. I’m not talking about how she was rewinded from a character in her own right to a “hero’s” prize.

I’m talking about how this supposed happy ending to slow dancing and snuggling is based on either Peggy being apparently also brain damaged to the point that, upon hearing that the organization she’s busting her ass to run is a Nazi cesspool, just rolls with it - which, I think we can all agree, is definitely not something our Agent Carter would ever in a million years do - or Steve merrily electing to spend something like 50 years lying like a motherfucker to the supposed love of his life about how the organization she’s busting her ass to run is a Nazi cesspool. True love, everyone!

Fuck you: Peggy Carter fucking deserved better than this.

This also leaving aside the fact that, in this happy ending, Steve knows that while he’s squirreled away in the woods dancing and doing decoupage, his supposed best friend is getting tortured to the point of complete dehumanization. But whatever, he’ll eventually be fine, no use doing anything about it. Oh, JFK got murdered? Nice shot, Buck! Oh, there goes Howard, a smooth operation, buddy: hope the brain-frying won’t be too bad, just hang on until 2014.

End of the line my goddamn ass.

Oh, and since no-one’s memories are rewritten, Bucky also conceivably knows all this. He knows that his supposed best friend voluntarily spent his life doing squat to save him.

Fuck you: Bucky Barnes fucking deserved better than this.

SO, TO RECAP: Steve Rogers is a selfish ass who chose a life of inaction, Peggy Carter is either his accomplice or a dupe and Bucky Barnes lost his best friend all over again. Coherent characterization got sacrificed for a theoretical feel-good moment that doesn’t stand up to the most cursory examination before being revealed as sheer horrifying fuckery.

Sure, Sam gets to be the new Captain America (which, don’t get me wrong: he totally deserves it and at this point he’s more worthy of it than the original), but that’s literally the only good thing in a mountain of shit dumped over characters that deserved much better.

I get that Evans wanted out, but there are ways to do it and then there are ways. Tony went out like a goddamn hero. So did Natasha.

Steve went out quitting - aka the one and only thing Steve Rogers would never ever do - and in addition what can only be called a bastard who shrugged off his best friend’s decades-long torture and quite likely spent his life lying to the woman he loves.

Fuck you: Steve Rogers fucking deserved better than this.

If there could be a worse impression to leave bowing out than this one, I’m honestly unable to imagine it (Well, beside making Steve Hydra for real: but considering that he spent his live blithely pretending they were not still around murdering, torturing and so on, that makes him a collaborationist at best and WOW, at this point it’s kinda splitting hairs, isn’t it?).

Coming into Endgame, I knew this was gonna be Cap’s last waltz and after spending years as a Steve Rogers fan I was dreading watching him die. Now, I wish he could have gone out with the heroism and dignity of Tony or Natasha instead of... whatever this was. I could have mourned him while celebrating him, instead of mourning what he used to be while despising what he was made to become.

This Steve Rogers fan, who spent years loving him while being annoyed and occasionally enraged by Tony Stark, left the theatre feeling deeply moved by Tony and quite honestly hating the guts of whatever was left of Steve. If someone told me this would happen I wouldn’t have believed them and yet here we are.

Personally, in order to actually enjoy the movie and especially to be able to retain any fondness whatsoever for one of my most beloved characters, those last five minutes are gonna join the entirety of Age of Ultron in the realm of “I recognise Marvel Studios have made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it”.

As far as I’m concerned, Endgame ended with Tony Stark’s funeral. A fitting tribute to the fallen hero who started it all, to the road that took us to this moment and all those characters who travelled it with us.

To the end of an era and hope for the next one.

#MCU #avengers endgame #not my steve rogers #endgame spoilers #steve rogers #tony stark #natasha romanoff #clint barton #review #rant #endgame wtf #epic fail

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