#yes he's very smart but it feels like an integrated part of his character and role rather than a character stat the author added on in

[bubblesandpages]

I think we’re getting an honest to God friendship squad 

[crusherthedoctor]

Get a Load of Traits - PART 2: Dr. Eggman

It's that time again, folks. Time for another analysis you didn't ask for.

I explained how the setup goes with my previous installment revolving around Sonic, but to recap: for the sake of not dragging things out too much, I’ve decided to keep it all thematically consistent by sticking with 9 main points per character, in terms of what I personally consider the highest priorities for each of them. These will usually not be listed in any particular order of importance or relevance unless stated otherwise, and while there may be other major traits that might not get mentioned (in which case, feel free to bring them up yourself if you see fit), this keeps things simple and focuses on the points that have the most flexibility with how much of the character they encapsulate.

It should also be noted that these posts are made with the game portrayals in mind, because the games mark the core of the franchise, and as such, they objectively contain the purest essence of the cast. Adaptations generally like to play by their own rules, some more gratuitously and inexcusably than others, and this will inevitably crop up with certain entries. All that being said however, I’ll attempt to stay focused rather than devolve into another rant about this adaptation or that adaptation, only directly referring to them if I feel it’s necessary for the point being made.

Anyhow, for today’s installment, the spotlight shines on everyone's favourite villain that they pretend isn't a villain: Dr. Eggman.

He's larger than life.

Where could he be???

He's shaped like an egg. He laughs and bellows like it's going out of fashion. He proudly announces when he's in the room for no other reason than to inform everyone that he's in the room. He takes sadistic glee when you don't have enough memory in the memory card. Why would you want to sawdust away this side of him? What are you, a Hollywood writer?

Just as Sonic is a fun hero, it's integral that Eggman is a fun villain. He's all about the colour, the spectacle, the raw energy. This is non-negotiable. If you approach this character and think he needs to be made grounded because he has a silly name or something, then you are going about this the completely wrong way. Villains like Eggman get praised all the time for being vibrant and wacky, so frankly, there is no excuse to write him off for it.

He is genuinely smart.

"Oh yeah? Well if you played nice, I wouldn't need to transform you into a tedious gameplay mechanic that appeals to furries and is guaranteed to give this game negative reviews from IGN. Haha, gottem."

Look at the screencap above. He was able to turn the tables against Super Sonic right when it looked as though he was thoroughly cornered. How was he able to achieve this? By planning.

*leans closer to the mic*

P L A N N I N G.

Yes, he is not literally omniscient. Yes, he can be prone to the occasional oversight. Yes, unexpected events can transpire that would be difficult if not impossible for him to account for. But all that aside, Eggman is a genius. He does have an IQ of 300. He talks a big game, but with all the amazing tech he's created over the years, and with all the ways he's pulled a fast one over the heroes, he has proven that he can play the big game. Need I remind you that this is a human, and his arch-nemesis is the fastest thing alive, not some dude on the street. He would need to be on his A-game in order to last.

And yes, it is indeed him who does all that brainstorming. Ever since day 1, he's always been very hands-on with his operations, not needing to steal the credit from another scientist or force a hostage to do it all for him. His plans? His weapons? They're all him. Would a mere bumbler be able to subdue the Time Eater?

He is genuinely evil.

"What's this shite I'm hearing about a Mr. Tinker...?"

We've got the Triforce of Funny Man. We've got the Triforce of Real Intelligence. Now here comes the hardest pill to swallow: the Triforce of Actually Malevolent.

For reasons that can be pinned on certain portrayals that are coincidentally more commonly found in adaptations, fans are all too willing to remove agency from Eggman's villainy. When they're not claiming an amnesiac personality that peaced out as quickly as it arrived is his true self, they're claiming he has all these heated gamer moments for the purpose of avenging his Wasted™ grandfather, Professor Gerald Robotnik. Or they claim he's not as bad as other villains in the franchise because he "only" wants to conquer the world, rather than destroy it.

Now how can I put this gently...

No, I am not just saying this because I personally happen to favor Eggmen with proper villainous balls to their name rather than glorified frenemies with Sonic at best. Even when exorcising myself of all potential bias, the Eggman we see in the games is still a very different fellow from what a concerning number of fans say with a straight face he is.

He stuffs animals inside robots on a regular basis. He lies, cheats, and backstabs on a regular basis. He fired a laser at the planet with the intent to fracture it, with no consideration for destruction or fatalities. He conquered other planets just to reduce them to self-indulgent attractions for his theme park. He drove a friendly robot to insanity after they were willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He wanted to destroy Station Square right out the gate, with the only difference come the end of his rope being that he changed tactics to more suicidal means out of desperation. When the Deadly Six were defeated, and the world remained in a dire state, his only reaction was to express relief that there was still something for him to lord over. And although Forces may have glossed over much of his rule, it's clear that it wasn't pleasant for anyone other than himself. Throughout all of this, he rarely brings up Gerald in a consistent manner outside of SA2 and ShtH, and in fact, even in those games, it's pretty clear that he only cares about Gerald's scientific legacy and how that makes him special in the process due to being his grandson. He's never been shown to give a damn about the rest of Gerald as a person, including the philanthropist he was at heart prior to his last days.

Not wanting to destroy the world is not an act of kindness. It's simple logic: he can't conquer something that's not there. And is treating the population to a lifetime of slavery really that softer than a quick and (relatively) painless death? I'm sure TV Tropes would say yes, but what do you think?

He's a self-made man.

Egg Jameson confirmed.

Our horizontally enlightened fiend did not start with a kingdom of his own. He was not a test tube baby who could shoot lasers out of his hands from day one. He was not born a demon, nor did he hail from a bloodline of gods. When he began his path in life of being a furry shamer, he had only his gadgets and tools to work with. Yet, he has managed to carve himself a bountiful list of pro gamer moves over the years despite his mortal human status, including harnessing the Time Eater as mentioned, bringing his dream Eggmanland to life in all its glory, and the engineering marvel that is Metal Sonic... and almost never suffering from financial troubles despite the frequent destruction of his machines at Sonic's hands. (Keep Sonic 4's name out your fuckin' mouth.)

And speaking of that last part, there has been evidence across the series that he has more than one way of ensuring the moolah keeps rolling in. We've seen him set up casinos, carnivals, Extreme Gear companies, newspaper factories, and other facilities to extend his reach. We've seen his robots mine for resources all over the world, and occasionally other worlds. We've seen him own a literal ocean of oil. We've even seen him sell his stripped down robots to chumps who don't know any better. For all his childish ways and penchant for plagiarizing the Death Star, he's surprisingly good at money management.

Then there's his specific approach to scheming and beating Sonic. Winning on its own is never enough for him: he wants to win on his terms, by doing things his way. So he might steal a shiny gem, but he'll use it to power the tech that he made. He might wake up a sleeping beast, but he'll have an Egg Carrier operating alongside it. The doc is always pulling his weight no matter the game, because if he didn't, how could he back up his self-admired intellect without it ringing hollow? You know he wouldn't be having that.

All of this goes a long way to explaining how he grew a knack for being so pro-active as a villain in the present day of the games proper. Instead of having it easy by being born an almighty superbeing, he had to work his way up using nothing but his brain. Because Dr. Eggman is a man with quite a few admirable qualities. Just a shame that morality is not one of them, no matter how much I've been gaslit by fans into believing otherwise.

His ego is his motive.

Don't say it.

As we discussed, for all his manufactured admiration of his late grandad's genius, he doesn't mention him as often across the franchise as fans would lead you to believe. But you know which moustached gentleman he does mention a lot throughout the franchise...?

An overfilled sense of pride is to be expected for a pure villain. Regardless of their motive and their means to fulfill said motives, they're expected to think highly of themselves to some degree. But Eggman is not your everyday egotist: he IS the ego. Many villains have made statues of themselves, but how many do you know who have defaced historical monuments and plastered their visage on them? How many villains do you know who call half of their machines Egg Something? How many villains do you know who make up every single boss in more than one installment?

That's because Eggman's ego isn't just part of his character: it's the source of his drive. Everything he does, everything he wants to do, is fueled by how much he loves himself, and how displeased he is that the rest of the world does not feel the same way. He wants everyone to bow down to his excellence, he wants to conquer the world to satisfy his lust, and even that wouldn't keep him satiated forever, since evidence has shown that he would just make a grab for the whole universe if he got bored. He cannot picture a world where anyone else matters, because they're not him. Over the span of three decades, his inflated self-worth at the cost of everyone else's agency and wellbeing has not diminished one iota, and unless SEGA decides to pander hard to the Eggdad standom, this is not likely to change anytime soon.

Which leads me to my next point...

The consequences are irrelevant to him.

Quote by Billy Mitchell.

Part of the recurring problem with Eggman being woefully mischaracterized as not such a bad guy when you get to know him is because people like to suggest that since he rarely shows outright sadism while committing his evil deeds (except this is also not true; see Tails' story in SA1, or the sheer ecstasy in his tone when he betrayed Emerl's trust in Battle), that means the results that spring from them are more excusable than the likes of Mephiles, Starline, Disney, etc.

Putting aside the fact that he's still willingly committing these deeds to begin with - with no regret at that - let's assume they mean in reference to ordinary citizens and the like. Now maybe it's true that he's not known to dedicate much of his career to making things personal with random nobodies. But let me ask you something: when he declared his intent to destroy Station Square with Chaos so he could build ROBOTNIKLAND THE ULTIMATE CITY WHERE I WILL RULE IT AAAALLLL COME ON CHAOS LET'S FIND ANOTHER EMERALD SHALL WE Eggmanland over its remains... did he say anything about letting the residents evacuate? Did he provide a means to help them evacuate?

What you need to keep in mind is that Eggman showing little interest goes both ways. He doesn't give any thought to these folk period. If his giant mech killed people who were in his way, or he fired a cannon at Whocaresville and the people living there didn't have time to get out of dodge, he's not going to shed a tear and call for a moment of silence. Because, as we've already established, the only person that matters is him. So long as he gets what he wants, and so long as there are still other people out there to worship him, what's the big deal if some kid is now without a parent or a home?

He is not a good master.

"Also, I did create a vaccine. That's what you get for listening to our loving fans who hate us."

Well, at least he shows a more caring side to his creations, right? Sure... if you don't pay any attention to how it plays out onscreen.

My dude is certainly willing to shower his creations with high praise, but what advocates of Good Guy Eggman fail to note is that he praises them because he made them. An achievement for them is an achievement for him, because how would they be so brilliant and competent if it weren't for who built them that way? And you know what else? That praise conveniently only manifests when the creation is doing their job: the moment they fall short of his lofty standards, he flips like a switch. Can it truly be considered sincere and from the heart if he's that willing to turn on them that easily?

Of his many robotic stooges over the years, two that he held in high esteem were the E-Series and Metal Sonic. He made a show of tasking the former with an important mission, and the latter has been recognized repeatedly as one of his crowning masterpieces. And yet, all of the E-Series bar Gamma were discarded and essentially left to fend for themself in an unfamiliar world, with Beta being forcibly modified without a second thought. Gamma was only spared because, you guessed it, he was the one with a victory to his name. As for Metal Sonic, for all his longevity and special treatment, he too is not immune to punishment in the event of failure or disobedience.

And Infinite? His prized right-hand man during his six month conquest? Whisked away without a word after one bruh moment too many, followed by making a point to show off his own mastery over the (real) Phantom Ruby.

Needless to say, this is a stark contrast from the goofy dad you often see in fanart.

His will is equal to Sonic's.

"I'm gonna have to reset, that was a practice run."

Being a regular human does not serve as a limitation for Eggman's status and capabilities, unless you're a hack writer who believes superficial power levels are the instant-win key to a good antagonist, or a well-crafted story in general. On paper, a hedgehog with Sonic's level of power should have dealt with this silly old man once and then never again. That happened with aliens. It happened with gods. It happened with talking ballsacks. Yet Eggman is still around. Despite being subjected to a wide selection of situations that should have Big Oof'd him, with Sonic normally not considering saving him from said perils a high priority, Eggman keeps surviving, and he keeps trucking on.

Why? Because main villain immunity, yes, but compared to Bowser the fire-breathing turtle, and Ganon the occasional boar-shaped demigod, a human scientist managing to persist for as long as he has is still impressive even without the out-of-universe justification. This detail of his character is even incorporated into his boss fights: the Egg Viper battle ends with a kamikaze attack. The Mega Death Egg Robot had a second machine stored inside it, keeping up where the fight left off as the first one conks out. S3&K in its entirety was practically dedicated to his absolute refusal to call it quits.

He doesn't give up. He never gives up. And he's not the type to piss his pants either. When the odds are stacked against him, he will either give it his all with much gnashing of teeth, or he'll retreat because it's the tactically sound thing to do. What he doesn't do is show fear and plead for his life. (Unleashed doesn't count, that was a Wily ploy.)

He hates Sonic.

Or else he wouldn't have made this.

You would think this would go without saying. You have not spent enough time in the Sonic community. I wish I was you. (Then again, I met my friends through it...)

There are many people - many, many, many people - who will vehemently drill into your head with the trustworthy assurance of a SonicTuber that Dr. Eggman, arch-nemesis of Sonic the Hedgehog, world's longest Attempted Sonic Murderer champion, secretly likes the guy deep down, and would never wish for the Blue Blur to actually kick the bucket for good. They claim that when push comes to shove, the old doctor would never fully commit to world domination, because he simply enjoys his bouts with Sonic too much.

For X!Eggman? Probably.

Boom Eggman? Definitely.

Game Eggman? The Eggman? No.

Eggman hates Sonic. Eggman loathes Sonic, and he loathes the rest of his multicolored accomplices just as fiercely. The amount of times he has tried to bust a cap in Sonic's ass is plausibly in the triple digits. He has subjected Sonic to all kinds of threatening, terrifying situations with the explicit purpose of either killing him or hitting him where it hurts. He shows happiness when Sonic is in pain, or has appeared to have been vanquished by his efforts. What about any of this suggests that he likes him? Because of respect?

Now yes, that much is true. It's evident that Eggman respects Sonic as an opponent who can keep up with him, and it's true that he enjoys their battles to an extent. That's not the same thing as actually liking the guy on a personal level. For all the respect he may wield, he would still gladly rid himself of the hedgehog the first chance he gets. Remember the big moment in SA2 in which he launched Sonic into space? He bid his farewell, in a semi-mocking tone, then went right back to business like it was nothing. And what about Forces? What did he plan on doing with Sonic once he got bored of waving his victory in his enemy's face? That's right, he planned on slamming the red button on him. Sorry you had to find out this way, that's what happens when you don't Play The Game.

Ivo Robotnik is a jovial man, but his goals are dead serious. He wants his empire more than anything else in the world, and he will get it. For whatever thrills their encounters may provide, he would piss on Sonic's grave without a moment's hesitation in order to make progress with his ambitions. If he wasn't serious about taking over the world... why the fuck would he do all that he does? Do you really think he spends all that time researching ancient tablets because he wants to be Sonic's friend? Do you think he enslaves alien races because it's not like he likes Sonic or anything baka kawaii desu (please don't unfollow me, I won't do it again)? I don't think so, chum. There'd be no game, and no franchise, if Eggman wasn't coming up with ways to put him in an early grave. And then probably vandalize the grave after.

---

If you understand all of these points, and if you can take to them, then I believe you should have what it takes to write a good, or even great, portrayal of Dr. Ivo "EDP445" Robotnik. No portrayal is going to be one-and-one with that of another, there'll always be subtle distinctions depending on the writer, but you'll be fine as long as he's not a softie or a fool who only exists to be replaced with a gay platypus.

Oh and, one last thing...

Heroes manual lied to you. Sorry, English fandom.

[queseraone]

Okay, doing my worst.. rank all the main characters we’ve ever had on The Rookie! 😇

As you wish:

Tim Bradford — This man. From that very first episode, I was invested. The way I went from thinking he was the biggest asshole on the planet to just wanting to wrap him up in a big hug in a single episode?? LOVE. His journey has been spectacular, and I'm a total sucker for character development, which is the only reason I placed him ahead of Lucy (*ask me again in five minutes and they'll swap places)

Lucy Chen — How could anyone not adore her? (Seriously, how?? I've seen some negative takes and I just cannot fathom how anyone could think a single bad thing about her.) She's kind and compassionate, whip smart and a total badass. She deserves everything!!!!!

Nyla Harper — I love her, her take-no-shit attitude is amazing, and she's such a badass. She, too, has had so much growth since her debut, and I've loved seeing her go from "I don't care about anyone, I'm just here for the pay bump" to being an integral part of the team family.

Aaron Thorsen — I'll be honest, this one surprised me. I still remember how I initially disliked him, and now here I am ranking him close to the top of my list. He just adds so much fun to the show, and I particularly love seeing him play off of both Tim and Lucy.

Angela Lopez — My queen. She's sassy and witty, but has so much heart! And I basically live for her friendship with Tim. I really hope we'll see more from her character this season and beyond, because between her pregnancies and Elijah, we haven't seen nearly enough of what she's capable of!

Wade Grey — Listen, I'm nowhere near as invested in Grey as I am most of the others, but I still love him. He's like the Papa Bear of the show. He cares so deeply for his team (and the man sees everythiiiiiing).

Jackson West — I think Jackson is the most difficult one for me to place, in part because it feels like forever ago that he was part of the show, and also because I like him less upon rewatching as I did originally? Listen, I like the idea of Jackson more than Jackson himself a lot of the time. I absolutely adore the fanfic version of Jackson, but I think he fell short in a lot of ways on the show itself. Especially following DOD, I think he could have and should have been a better, more supportive friend to Lucy. And I've never loved his sort of holier-than-thou attitude. But his place in the original crew earns him a special place in my heart (and on this list), because his good moments definitely outweigh the bad ones. And the money I'd have paid to see him reacting to Chenford?? RIP.

Bailey Nune — Is she my favourite? Absolutely not (as evidenced by her place on this list lol). But I don't always understand the way people hate on her. She's definitely shoehorned into a lot of scenes/storylines, but that's not the character's fault. And I've enjoyed her more and more as we've seen some flaws in the "I'm a master at everything I do" façade. The episode where her college(?) friend visits and she's trying to keep up? Fun! When she thinks a coyote is a puppy? Love! Calling Lucy a badass? You go girl! I hope we continue to see her interacting more with the other characters, because they're doing Bailey/Jenna a massive disservice by not mixing it up more!

Wesley Evers — I really, really like him, but compared to so many characters that I absolutely adore, he has to fall toward the bottom of the list. Hate to say it, but he doesn't really add anything to the show (🙈)? Maybe we'll see more of that now that's working for the DA's office, but as of right now, I just don't get excited when I see him on my screen.

Celina Juarez — She's fun, and I enjoy her, don't get me wrong. But I just find her behaviour as a rookie jarring when I compare it to our original trio. Though to be fair, these are more reasons to dislike Nolan as a TO than faults of Celina herself...

Zoe Andersen — Did I love her? Yes, absolutely, she was fantastic! (And her death still wrecks me every single time!) But it feels unfair to rank her higher, simply because we only had her for a short time. I often think about how things would be different if she was still around. I think she'd be a fantastic mentor for Lucy in particular.

John Nolan — Look, this ranking doesn't mean I hate him. I don't. I actually like all of these characters, that's the beauty of this show for me. But of them all, I am the least invested in Nolan. Maybe that's a byproduct of how he's been written over the last few seasons - it's hard to care too much when you know that, no matter what happens, everything's going to work out perfectly for him, you know?

Talia Bishop — She had some good moments, don't get me wrong (I especially enjoyed her dynamic with Tim), but I just didn't get on board with her character like the others.

Thanks Pauli, this was super fun, you can keep the 😇 title... (I wonder what people would say if I put Nolan at the top of my list? 😂😂😂)

[chris-continues]

College au Wolfwood HC’s <3

I thought the guy needed some love! I’ve mainly written Nai hcs and Vash hcs but I’ve had some thoughts brewing of this guy :)

I was making this before I read @macncherries character study on Vash and Wolfwood and he definitely inspired some of this!

I definitely plan to expand on this but I wanted to start with headcanons before delving into drabbles and whatnot lol

-He has a mullet that’s not that taken care of. His hair is always messy dude

-hates constricting shirts. Tight collars make him go insane, he feels like he can’t breathe

-^^he does love loose turtlenecks more. He feels a little fancy, y’know? :>

-he’ll buy mints in bulk because he can’t smoke in class so he has some big ass gallon sized ziplock bag halfway full of mints where he fishes one out and eats it

-it’s a bit where he’ll have unwrapped ones and offer it like it’s a drug to Meryl LMAO

-he likes the feeling of loose linen colorful button ups. Vibrant orange looks wonderful against him, half of the top unbuttoned

-he’s paying off a motorcycle he got. Expensive? Yeah. But he like needed it. So…

-He’s got a used Nissan he’s also still paying off. He gives me Nissan vibes. Like think 2014 Nissan that’s somehow still working with a bit of dust on the dash and a makeshift ashtray in the center console + gum + mint wrappers randomly tossed in there.

-met Vash via Milly and Meryl (they wanted to form a study group and he was having a mini competition w Meryl over who’d get the highest test score on smth—-> became friends w Vash and reader who are very smart lol)

-when Wolfwood wasn’t presenting as masc as he is now (pre transition to mid transition) he wore his pants low on his waist like guys in the 90’s (reference that one scene in Clueless LMAO) with a part of his ass hanging out- made him feel more masc in a time where it was harder for him.

-he likes honking when he drives. Vash called him a goose because he honks so mf much

-he’s got several piercings, he wants to get an eyebrow one perhaps? He has several ones for his ears (he feels really cool with them + when he feels femme he gets a bunch in bulk via Amazon or his usual place if he’s feeling fancy)

-Claims he doesn’t need retail therapy, stares into shop windows a bit too long. Man has a will of steel.

-He hates studying. But he does it anyway. While Meryl makes flash cards he’ll make the dumbest puns and memory hints with Vash (that make Milly laugh and Meryl annoyed to no end claiming they don’t help) (they actually do help)

-He has all caps handwriting- it’s kinda cool.

^^he does the random little big lines through his H’s because he thinks they’re cool

-a lot of the quirks he has are because he saw it in a movie and integrated it into his mind- having little flairs and things that scream him

-he uses sharpie to color his nails black when he’s bored (Vash uses Meryl’s gel pens to doodle on his hands) (they’re doodle bros)

Ok so outfit pics

IMO he totally likes a more subdued grungy vibe but still harbors a love for vibrant button ups

Referencing to the photo w the denim jacket? He def has 1-2 denim jackets he sticks to for comfort and I think one day when he’s feeling especially wacky he’ll go crazy with it and start using bleach or puffy paint on the sleeves. He felt it was lacking. Perhaps the fangs on the back, perhaps the punisher drawn on the back, etc. He let Vash draw little stars on the shoulders and tiny smiley faces :)

For the second two next to the denim jacket one I feel like he’d get tshirts for the sole purpose of making them tank tops. He likes to show off his armpit hair sometimes, it’s gender affirming for him, and plus he gets hot out very easily. (Why do you think his shirt is always unbuttoned?? Because he’s a whore??) yes

But patchwork button ups and colorful shirts like that are very cool and I think he’d like those on occasion.

-He likes classic rock like idfk Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, along w other artists and alt genres. The guy has taste, give him respect

-he def has like 2 pairs of shoes and doesn’t switch them. Like Birkenstocks he found at the thrift that are lowk falling apart and these boots he found half off (also at the thrift) that are also falling apart from overuse

-I feel like he’d accidentally dress like grungy Adam Sandler in the summer LMAO

-the dude always has tension headaches and it’s either from the constant smoking, the withdrawal of smoking because he can’t smoke in class, or the immense amount of stress he feels

-He acts as chauffeur for the ladies and Vash because he claims Meryl’s music taste is mid and Vash at the wheel is a nightmare

-(both him and Vash are gentlemen in their own way for the girlfriends Milly and Meryl. Guard dogs fr. I love this dynamic hehe)

I plan to do more for Meryl and Milly and add onto this because as I write more thoughts about college au Trigun flood my brain and I need to get them out ty for ur time I hope you have a great day ALSO PLS COMMENT OR REBLOG UR THOUGHTS or feel free to dm me I would love to share the brainrot with everyone! :D

[badedramay]

Omg THANK YOU for pointing out this weird trope that dramas have of “U just be cute and girly, I’ll be rich and support U”. To be fair it’s not just pak dramas; I’ve seen it in Turkish and K dramas as well. A girl is able to act as spastic and childish as Umeed because her well-off husband just smiles to himself at her antics and will pay for any damage she does 🤑.

I mean I guess this trope is better than an abusive partner trope, but I don’t get how it’s 2023 and drama writers often miss the mark on writing a female lead, especially when it comes to different genres like FT being more comedy. Most ramadan comedies feature a loud, hyper FL as if the writers are trying to hammer us with “see? She isn’t a rhona dhona type”. Because ya know, who needs even semi realistic characters when we exclusively have the two extremes on TV for our viewing pleasures?

I digress but typing this out made me appreciate yunhi way more. For all of its flaws, maya chose as close to a realistic female that I’ve seen in pak dramas in a while.

the rich man x poor woman, or Cinderella trope, is old as time and its appeal is not up for debate. it's fun wish fulfillment and I agree that some of my personal favorite rom-coms have been based on this trope. but I had said this before and I will say it again, this trope DOES come with a very unhealthy power imbalance that simply cannot be ignored. idk about Dizis but kdramas, despite being chokeful of the Cinderella trope, do try to completely veer off in the territory of "rich man becoming the poor woman's sugar daddy" because the woman's integrity and her self-respect are not compromised. the hero may help push a few buttons for the heroine but he doesn't take the entire financial responsibility of the woman to give her all the time to be her cutesy clumsy giggly self. at max we'll get the trademark wardrobe makeover scene and dinners at fancy restaurants but when the night is over, the heroine goes back to her own world. in fact, most of the romance in kdramas come from the rich hero fitting in the poor heroine's world than the other way round.

when it comes grumpy rich hero and bubbly poor heroine trope..we already know what the hero is bringing to the table that the heroine doesn't have in her i.e. his money. the tricky part then becomes what the heroine is bringing in the hero's life. like take Jab We Met, an iconic movie in the similar genre vein. Aditya was RICH rich as commented by Geet. Geet, while well-off herself, didn't reek of the kind of industrialist money that Aditya had. throughout their journey in the first half Geet relied on Aditya's money as their guarantee of safe way home. however, Aditya's money never became a substitute for Aditya himself. Geet offered Aditya a perspective of life that Aditya's money couldn't bring him while Aditya, ultimately, gave Geet the kind of reliable, unshakable love that Geet had dreamt of. in their story the power imbalance that their individual social standing could've colored their relationship was safely avoided from the beginning as Aditya was more than his money, Geet's manic pixieness didn't come at the cost of her fierce self-reliance.

Mr. Darcy was obscenely rich and Elizabeth's low social standing was a major conflict for him when it came to his feelings for her. but, all of Mr. Darcy's wealth couldn't make Elizabeth find him attractive because she just didn't like his personality. we hype up Mr. Darcy-esque heroes a LOT in our stories (even Farjaad is called as one because he's serious and rich) yet there's complete silence on the fact that Mr. Darcy needs an ELIZABETH BENNET to make the romance work. a smart, witty, self-reliant heroine that completely owns her individuality. the sparks fly when two headstrong individuals collide and the romance happens when BOTH of them, over time, see beyond their own judgements and prejudices to see the other person for who they are. Darcy changes his perspectives for Elizabeth, yes. but Elizabeth also learns to being more positively accommodating of the parts of Darcy that he has no control over like his wealth.

but yeah..all of this is nuanced writing that our PakDramas just don't want to bother with. the question of power imbalance only comes in when the story is about SOCIAL AWARENESS of yet another form of marital abuse. it's incredibly boring now. i won't say I am too old to enjoy wish fulfillment fantasy stories but i am definitely no longer immature enough to lap up just about any rom-com because it apparently celebrates "feminine joy". love me a rich af hero but only when he's paired with a heroine that can thrive without his wealth coming to her rescue, thank you very much.

[fanbun]

I guess I’ll give my lengthy opinions on Full Meta Jackrick

It was funnier than some of the other episodes in the season in a dumb random humor way but the meta commentary also came across as very pretentious, especially when they brought in Joseph Campbell.

The self-deprecation the writers expressed when they used Rick to call the episode concept bad and the puns groan-inducing was half amusing and half annoying, given that they still did exactly what they were criticizing without offering any unique spin that would elevate it.

The best part was the cold open and intro for leaning into absurd vignettes. As soon as the episode tried to inject structure into the concept, I felt it lost most of the initial charm.

There was no meta joke about the show’s recent abundance of incest humor. Missed opportunity.

The “Previously on Jesus Christ” joke made me laugh a lot though.

Also this:

I enjoyed everything about the Rhett Caan scene. The fact that he was a ridiculously overpowered menace that Rick regretted unleashing actually seemed sort of smart. I, too, worry about Rick and Morty falling into the trap of needing to retcon or ignore previous scenes due to the writers’ lack of planning for major plot elements.

Marvin the Cowardly Security Guard got a decent chuckle out of me too. What a likable guy.

“Rick can’t change” said by the writing guru yet we’re repeatedly shown Rick treating Morty with gentle kindness in this episode. I’m getting mixed messages here.

Rick thinking Joseph Campbell got Morty pregnant and repeatedly dunking his head in a bucket of water was so out of left field. In a good way. I think.

Story Lord being smothered to death by a knock-off looking Rick plush had no right being as funny as it was.

As a sequel, the episode did seem to be criticizing the original Never Ricking Morty a lot... which is interesting even though it’s also frustrating that they spent an entire episode to do that. It sadly did feel like it was retreading too much of the same ground by bringing back Story Lord, but Rick’s distaste for meta commentary was a major difference I could appreciate. I HOPE this means that the writers are aware of how an over-reliance on meta references can harm fan investment.

This moment in particular where Rick rejects the meta character and reinforces Morty’s significance as a character who’s actually real and important to him is excellent:

I still wish the “previously on” segments were tied more directly into the show’s concept of the multiverse to better integrate it with canon. Idk, something like there being a leak between different realities. The characters entering the “meta layer” was a little too on the nose for me and shattered immersion. (Yes, this too was commented upon but I still didn’t LIKE it.)

At least we got confirmation that the Rick and Morty at the end of Never Ricking Morty were the same ones we’ve been following since there was a fan theory floating around that they were different ones entirely. That means the Rick who told Morty to “give grandpa a kiss” was in fact C-137.

[lazaruspiss]

Justice League x RW/BY: Super Heroes and Huntsmen (Part One)

gonna be honest i kinda keep forgetting that this movie exists. the animation and music is very... rw/by. for better or for worse. corny quippy one liners. it's very corny. adding a cut bc this'll probably get a bit rambly.

AHHH THE FLASHBACK IS A STILL FRAME. the first thing to make me laugh wasnt even a joke it was the single still frame flashback. well. there was a slight zoom?

it's trying to be funny so bad its trying so hard. the serious dialogue is corny but could be worse. overall its better than the crossover comics? making the DC characters teenagers seems pointless.

oh god the dialogue is so hammy. the fists are hammed. weiss good and weiss dad bad yes i noticed. christ im only 8 minutes in. physically recoiling at some of the jokes. like its nothing jokes its nothinggg.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE BRUCE? he's been on screen for like 10 seconds and he already sounds and acts like "wealthy teenage tiktok star tries to pander to the less ~economically privileged~" and god it keeps going it hasnt even been a minute yet. did they make them teenagers bc otherwise bruce wouldve run off and found some little boy to help him solve everything without the help of anyone else. is that why. bc honestly yeah adult bruce is hard to write into a team setting.

bruce continues to be embarrassing but also. im learning that the still image flashbacks are just a thing thats gonna happen in this movie. style wise its very much a rw/by movie, so its just probably not gonna hit for me. its the kind of show i watched in middle school and grew out of by 8th grade. even then, my interest kind of started and ended with the character design and the basic world building elements. emphasis on basic, trying to understand the more in depth aspects is a bit of a waste of time.

oh and im still at the 10 minute mark. "ive already gone through all the other dc x rw/by content" i thought, "might as well watch the movies" i thought.

i think theyre trying to write bruce doing a smart detective thing? unfortunately rw/by is very bad at writing people doing smart things. 1) cant stand bruces voice in this 2) god hes so annoying and this whole scene is embarrassing to watch.

GAHH. THE SAME FLASHBACK FRAME CLARK HAD BUT ZOOMED OUT THIS TIME. true cinema. and i think theyre alluding to time travel as well as dimension travel, so even the rw/by girls get to have weird "we're not where we should be" flashbacks.

diana manhandles the small boy, fun. it also rife with required reading bc if you arent fully dedicated to keeping track of all rw/by lore then fuck you. these movies dont seem to require much DC knowledge but they cram in a lot of references to rw/by lore that i only know from video essays put out by ex-fans.

hey guys did u remember that yang is lesbian. pretty cool right? right?? this movie is going by so slow.

MARI IS THAT YOU?? and jess... girls u deserve a better movie. oh vic got braids? nice. also that joke was nothing. all the jokes are nothing.

the best jokes so far have been. the ones about how convoluted and hard to get into rw/by is. because of course. sigh. i do think the DC characters are better utilized and integrated than they were in the comics at least. seeing mari and jess get animated is really cool, and overall i like the redesigns. a few of the characters have commented on suddenly being deaged but mari's acknowledgement of it is the first to feel like a natural line of dialogue rather than exposition.

montage of bruce learning to use his bat powers so that they can get that out of the way before he joins the rest of the group. separate things that were already discussed being re-discussed so that we can have a "everyone talks at once scene". they. what. huh? they had a normal conversation that landed on "lets split into groups since theres enough of us to reasonably do that. then they have an argument which ends at the exact same conclusion.

are they really gonna have a "yang thinks diana is hot and blake gets jealous" plot line? really? and another love triangle. cy tries to ask nora to explain this worlds weapons, noras boyfriend(?) gets mad and then cy gets mad back and ends up being the one everyone gets upset with. it feels a bit. just. super uncomfortable. cy wasnt flirting he was just. talking to nora.

oh thank god that bit is over. now back to jess! possibly the most interesting character here. her design is probably my least favorite of the bunch tho, just because it feel a bit... too anime? it reminds me too much of my danganronpa phase, lol.

jaune doing plot device things. jess introspection. its not the most interesting thing but its better than uh. whatever happened with cy earlier. sorry im still thinking about that. i think they were just going for hormonal and temperamental teenager moment but it uh. came off weird.

plot twist everything was uh. void. ptsd monster things. the plots about to get convoluted isnt it.

diana is pretty decently fleshed out in this one. and it looks like they didnt lean into the diana being hot as a source of relationship conflict that much aside from a few jokes, thank god.

for fucks sake shut up jaune i dont care about your dead girlfriend.

back to the monster fighting group, dear god theyre doing one of those. 2 guys fight over girl who goes "umm i can take care of myself >:(". GOD SHUT UP. FUCK. ITS A JEALOUS LOVE TRIANGLE PLOT. please let this die sooner rather than later.

bruce describes everything that was just established. bruce is emo. weiss tries to be nice. then back to jess and jaune. "i didnt realize how much i miss this place" yeah well i sure dont miss it. oh pyrra, however your name is spelled, you were the only character death that meant anything. now if only they didnt degrade her story into being all about jaune even in death.

have weiss and bruce just been on the computer this whole time. at least they eventually get a fight scene. lesbians to the rescue time. stuff and things. i still dont care and jaune. fuckin. creator self insert ass. he was originally comic relief/audience surrogate but turned into way too much of a main character. god jess deserves her own movie.

weiss please stop trying to recruit him this is just embarrassing. is this gonna be a whole thing? bruce deciding between earth and remnant? and god you cant put anime style gags in the middle of a serious scene. oh god theyre making bruce insecure about not having powers like the rest of the league. man who could've seen that coming. christ theres still 20 minutes left. FUCK AND A WHOLE SECOND MOVIE.

jess remains the coolest bitch in this movie. god why couldnt it be a jess green lantern movie.

lesbians on motorcycles, blah blah fight scene. oh god we're pretending batman is cool. fake flash? wheres real barry then :/ christ. they think this is a cool twist. tho possessed barry is pretty fun. god the actual canon explanation for making them teens was bc kilg%re figured the hormones would make them easier to fuck with.

obligatory "even teens can be leaders" speech. the determination of humanity or whatever.

HAAA BRUCE AND BARRY MORSE CODE COMMUNICATION. ok thats cute.

so smth smth final battle but theres a mysterious second bad guy so that they still have content for a second movie. i like how they show vixen's powers, that parts fun. jess does main character thing and kills big bad. bruces conflict about going home is resolved. cy goes and makes amends with nora and guy who likes nora, despite guy who likes nora being the one to cause all the conflict in the first place. they make the go home portals. set up for next movie.

[linawritestwst]

Congrats on 1,000+ followers! May i request a Matchup for my oc?

Her name is eden labete based on prince adam from beauty and the beast. She doesn't go to nrc but she goes to my made up school which is supposed to be school for characters based after Disney prince charmings.

She's female, she/her pronouns. She's isfp 8w9, her horoscope is Leo.

PERSONALITY:

at first she comes off as spoiled, greedy and short tempered Princess, insensitive to others feelings always putting herself first but that's only a facade she puts on to keep away other from her familys curse [not to protect them to stop unwanted rumors from spreading]

Eden is actually pretty joyful person who enjoys partying and having fun, yes she's still impatient and short tempered but not as cruel as she mades out herself to be.

She's assertive, independent, and self-confident. She likes to do things her own way and can be quite independent and stubborn This can sometimes make her nflexible and uncooperative, especially when she feels strongly about something. She's often creative and resourceful and has a strong sense of personal integrity. She's passionate person who can be very protective of those she cares about. She's also honest and direct, which can sometimes come across as blunt. Eden is usually very passionate about her beliefs and will stand up for what she believes in.

She has huge ego but one word alone is enough to destroy it. Eden has quite pessimistic outlook on life and finds it hard to see good in others.

LIKES:

pretty people,music, art, praise, meat, roses, parting, sport, Storytelling, Decorating for parties or holidays, Reading books to others, Quiet nights at home.

DISLIKES:

ugly people, stubborn people, unwanted criticism, vegetables, when others poke their nose in her business, when others touch her stuff, change, old people.

HOBBIES:

gardening, listening to music, collecting teacups, working out.

HER TYPE:

Tbh i can't imagine her with someone who's too shy or doesn't have a backbone. She'd want a partner who can keep up with her and I also feel like she'd be into someone smart and intelligent. And even though she'd want a honest partner she'd despise and hate someone who would criticise her every move.

If she went to nrc she'd be either in savanaclaw or heartslabyul.

APPEARANCE:

tall, 5'10 with athletic body. She has medium length wavy ginger hair. Almond shaped blue eyes and four small beauty marks under and above her eyes. She has sharp canines and slightly pointy years.

hi, i hope you like this matchup! also i am. so sorry for being so late 😭

the character that i think would be a good partner for your oc is..

rook hunt!

i'll explain why i chose him:

most people would most likely avoid eden because of her personality. however, rook would totally be one of the few people who don't find eden that scary or intimidating because 1) yeah, it's him "seeing beauty in everyone" again and 2) come on, it's rook, it's simply not possible to scare him. he would be able to see right through eden's facade and no matter how much she tries to appear rude and insensitive, he'd know that she's actually an interesting and passionate person. also yeah, eden hiding that side of her and having secrets would definitely make rook become interested in her.

rook would find eden's every single personality trait beautiful in its own unique way. her confidence and independence would make him admire her a lot, but if he needs to make her agree to cooperate, he would still be able to do it somehow. he just always knows what to say and eden doesn't have to worry about him lying to her, rook really does mean what he says. he may hide a thing or two from her, but it's only so that she doesn't have to worry about it. her creativity is also something that would make rook respect her even more.

rook is honestly a perfect partner for a girl with a huge ego like her, haha. again, all he says about her is completely true and he really does think she's a beautiful and wonderful person and her flaws don't matter that much to him. it doesn't mean that she doesn't have them, but they're just not that important to rook and he doesn't pay much attention to them. rook is also energetic enough to keep up with eden, actually, he would most likely have more energy than her. and rook is certainly not stupid, even though he may appear as someone who's a little.. weird (and he is), he really is a smart person and he also would be able to protect eden if she ends up in some kind of dangerous situation.

[eyrieofsynapses]

…maybe an unpopular opinion, but I think I like Eliot's hand-to-hand fight scenes more than the ones in big-box movies.

see, I was rewatching a bit of Captain America: The Winter Soldier (yes I've seen some of the MCU, no I have not seen Infinity War or anything past it because I refuse to watch it without other people to cry with and my friends haven’t been available) before I rewatched Rundown. and guys, I adore TWS. easily in my top favorite films of all time. the fight scenes are fantastic! holy heck, the emotional weight! if you asked me which movies I love hand-to-hand in the most, that'd be at the top of the list, easy. Steve and Bucky in that final scene? ohhhhhh my gods.

but then I bounced over to The Rundown Job and just… y’know the bit where Eliot takes out the guys after Hardison signals him at the elevator? it feels so much more fun. I can't pin down exactly why, but it feels closer, more personal, more impactful. probably some of it comes from how Eliot is having--maybe not exactly fun, but how he likes doing his job. there's something about it.

and it's not just TWS that I can compare this back to, either. off the top of my head, I love it more than The Batman's hand-to-hand combat (which is admittedly rough because it's early-years Bruce, but still) and probably most anything else I've seen out of the MCU. animation isn't live-action, obviously, but I've seen some really solid combat in DC's animated work too. like, I haven't seen a ton of hand-to-hand work (it seems the film industry is understandably more fond of sword fights and such), but personally I find that when it comes to sheer fun, Leverage is really hard to beat.

now I'm not gonna compare it to sword-fighting or things like that. that's another ballgame. but hand-to-hand specifically… I'm not a violent person, but I dunno, y'all, there's just something about how Eliot fights that makes him fun to watch in a way I'm not sure I see elsewhere. probably it's partly that I'm just ridiculously fond of him. it is absolutely in large part because Christian Kane a) does his own stunts and works with the choreography, b) actively integrates Eliot's character into his work, and c) is just an all-around fantastic madman of a person.

but! they get so very clever with it! all the different things he'll grab to improvise with! I mean, where else do you get somebody who uses umbrellas, pipe organ pipes, whisks, screen doors, golf clubs, appetizers, literally anything to take opponents out on a regular basis? hauling people up over his shoulders and his back to toss them into dumpsters? comments like "if I'm not honest with you, you can't improve"? counting every single dude in a massive ship and then counting down as he takes each one out? barreling out of nowhere to tackle a dude? who else gives us lines like "that's what makes it fair" to the dude who laughs at him for not carrying a gun?

and it's hardly like we don't know Eliot's going to win--Eliot always wins--but there's still tension to it. he's not so good as to be perfect. he struggles, he comes back with bruises and cuts and the occasional broken rib, it's not like there's nothing at stake here. we've seen him have to let somebody go or otherwise mess up. too many opponents or too much muscle make him wary. he's competent as all hell, but he has to be sly and tricky and clever about how he fights as much as he has to deliver enough force. Eliot doesn't just fight well, he fights smart. he uses his surroundings and knows when to play possum and how to target an opponent's weak spots.

like. goddamn. I can watch him versus Roper in The Carnival Job a hundred times, and it still shakes me to the core to see him go down for that brief moment. in that second, you can believe he's in real danger. and he does come out of it hurt and limping and covered in blood. but we still have no doubt that he's an absolute badass!

oh yeah, and also: he has fun. there's always that little smile he's got when he's about to take down a bunch of unwitting thugs. laughing at Quinn when he's got bruised ribs and bloody teeth. looking at the pipe from the pipe organ in Van Gogh in surprise when it rings when he hits a guy before giving it an appreciative grin. sizing up Mikel and running through each situation (and, you know, that little make-out in the basement). staring at the dude in Lonely Hearts and going "fisticuffs? seriously?" with that tone of amused disbelief before flipping the guy into the harbor.

it's his job and he's not fond of hurting people, exactly, but he takes pride in it and he enjoys proving himself over and over. he enjoys the challenge. and it's kind of impossible not to love watching him beat it every. single. time

anyway yeah, if you ever ask me "who's the most fun to watch fight hand-to-hand?" it's probably always gonna be Eliot, tbh.

[qqueenofhades]

Which Star Wars movie is your favorite, and why? Also, what are your thoughts on the EU?

Return of the Jedi, and here's why:

I know that a lot of people pick Empire Strikes Back as the best of the original trilogy, and obviously it's pretty much the best from a technical/storytelling/emotional beat perspective. In contrast, elements of ROTJ can be repetitive (really guys, you couldn't think of something besides ANOTHER DEATH STAR?) and a little goofy (I don't hate the Ewoks or anything, but still). But it's the movie that most perfectly encapsulates what Star Wars is about, it makes choices that other sci-fi movies even today (indeed, especially today, with the focus on Grimdark Cynicism) never do, and it brings all the trilogy's character arcs and plotlines to a satisfying and emotionally resonant end. Alas that George Lucas hasn't been legally forbidden from messing with it after the fact (why, oh WHY, did he have to add in that silly ROTS-esque "NOOOO" when Vader decides to kill Palpatine and save Luke???), but still. It's the SW movie that gives me the most straight-up chills and feelings, because like???

The whole plotline of Vader being ultimately redeemed and making the choice, even at the end of his life, to reject the dark side and fulfill his destiny after all? He's one of the most iconic villains in movie history and yet you fucking CRY when he dies (I've seen this movie hundreds of times and LITERALLY EVERY TIME). Luke Skywalker, Padme Amidala and Beru Lars' son who has kindness seared into the marrow of his bones, looking pure evil in the face, throwing his lightsaber aside, and announcing that he's not going to stoop to its level, he will not fight it, he will not turn to the dark side, he will do better? The MUSIC during Vader and Luke's duel??? The fact that a movie in 1983 let Lando Calrissian be the hero who destroyed the Death Star? Han and Leia continuing to be OTP #goals, from the Jabba's-palace-rescue to the callback to the ESB "I love you/I know" with Leia getting to say it? THE FINAL SHOT OF OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN (AND YODA BUT YES) REUNITED IN DEATH AND AT PEACE IN THE FORCE, GAZING SMILINGLY UPON THEIR CHILDREN TOGETHER???

IT'S ALL SO MUCH, AND IT GIVES ME SO MANY FEELINGS, AND YES. The emphatic affirmation of goodness, decency, courage, and compassion, the story of the good guys actually getting to win because they're not "morally equivalent" to the bad guys and everything is a morally relativistic Machiavellian hellscape etc etc Nobody Believes In Happy Endings Because We Are Very Smart? It's genuine and genuinely emotional in a way that so much modern media (ESPECIALLY the sequel trilogy) shies away from or tries to be "ironic" about, and that's why it really works.

As for the EU, I read every single book, more or less, in my Star Wars-obsessed teenage years. Obviously, the wide variety of authors and plotlines meant that some were better than others, and I would definitely have a different perspective on them as an adult. But they were an integral part of my childhood and I am still absolutely on the "Han and Leia got married, lived happily ever after, and had three kids, Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin" train. Likewise, they could have stopped before killing everybody and making everything go dark since they were out of ideas (Chewie's death in Vector Prime TRAUMATIZED me, as did the subsequent killing/darksiding of Anakin and Jacen Solo), but anyway, yes. The fact that I am now almost 34 years old and getting back into an actual Star Wars hyperfixation is deeply amusing to me. Full circle, and etc.

[bukojuiice]

the way of the househusband — levi ackerman

ೃ pairing: (husband! levi ackerman x  ceo wifey! reader)

ೃ  There is the “ideal” nuclear family. The one composed of a working husband with a well-paying 9 to 5 job, loving housewife who cooks and cleans, and adoring children who do well in school. However, that idealization is looong gone. What about you and your family? You are the CEO of a Tech Start-up Company who ain’t no trophy wife, Your husband hails from the last line of Ackermans and who temporarily resigns from being a vice executive of your company (just because he doesn’t want to work with young, feeling philanthropist, and genius GenZers) to become a hands-on househusband, and then there’s your little daughter who has the most inquisitive mind and adventurous heart who idolizes her doting father in every shape, way, and form. A month’s absence in your home (due to a business trip) could lead to many many things. But, your husband randomly publishing a self-help book on parenting and being a househusband is not one of those things. 

ೃ genre and warnings: modern au, domestic fluff, baby au, husband au, 

ೃ  my nav  →  my aot masterlist

ೃ 4k words

ೃ Will be referring to hanji as “aunkling” (a cute nickname that some kiddos use to refer to their non-binary relatives <3) because there are no official non-binary terms for aunt and uncle! + your daughter with levi is named amelia and she is just the most precious cinnamon roll

It’s done. 

The Business Trip is finally over.

A long and painful month of no hugs and playdates with your little princess, Amelia and no time to be pampered with love and affection from your husband, Levi was finally over!

Sometimes, you wonder how you were even able to survive these long-ass trips and conferences. Sure, these month-long trips only happened once a year, but the thought of Amelia getting older and having to miss a day of seeing her grow up and discover the world, really hurt you as all mothers would. Video Calls were enough to satisfy you and give you happy hormones even for just a short while, but still- the longer you’re not with them, the more the yearning lengthens until you’re just riddled with endless thoughts of wanting to get home as soon as possible.

First, let’s set things straight: You are the CEO of a Tech Start-up company who was born into a middle-class family and rose her way up to success. It’s as cliche as it gets but hey! Living a life as if you were in a romantic comedy was the best compliment you’ve ever gotten. 

Along with that, as far as rich families in rom-coms and coming of age movies go, are they all dysfunctional in reality? Not really. Or at least you and Levi promised each other not to end up like that. The Rich Girl meets Poor Boy (with a tragic backstory) cliche however? Yea, that’s a pretty accurate way to describe your love story. Meeting the love of your life in a Coffee Shop is actually pretty common and happens to a lot of people apparently. When Erwin Smith, Levi’s best friend (who is too smart and self-aware to fit the role of a rom-com sidekick by the way) approaches your table to ask if he and Levi could sit with you. (Because of all the days the cafe would be packed, it would be that day.) You said yes of course, and Erwin began oversharing details about the raven-haired man and you were all too invested in learning more about him anyway. Levi grew up in the orphanage after his mother had died and his father was the biggest asshole on the planet for never showing his face, he had to fend for himself after he outgrew the foster system. Starting out as an espionage in an illegal underground gambling empire to a bookkeeper at the Smiths’ bookshop. (Although this is a story for another day)  

Internally swooning over his pretty eyes and resting bitch face...it didn’t take long until the two of you fell in love and... the rest was history!

You come home to your lavish yet homey apartment in 21 West End Avenue Manhattan to be surprised by your father-daughter duo absolutely knocked out on the couch. Amelia was snuggled up to her father, her feet on his lap and a sleeping position you could not possibly comprehend, a Disney movie playing in the background, and both of them were wearing matching Minion onesies whilst yours was folded neatly on the coffee table just waiting to be worn by you when you got home. 

It was a rare sight to see and you can’t help but just stare lovingly at the wonderful scene before you. Not only was it rare to see Amelia asleep before seeing you (or in the case of your business trips, during your daily video calls with them) but it was also rare to see your husband sleeping so soundly and his insomnia not kicking in. 

Amelia hears your footsteps, her eyes are still shut as she tries to predict what you will do next. She finally assesses when she will make her move and surprise you when you place another fleece blanket on top of them and plant a kiss on both of their temples. your daughter’s eyes suddenly flutter open. Her eyes beaming and glowing off the same light that twinkled in her father’s as she jumps off the couch, making sure not to wake up Levi.

“MOMMY!” She screams in the most quiet volume her cute voice could muster. She runs up to you and envelops you in a tight hug, jumping up and down as she does so. “I missed you Mommy! I missed you soooo much! How was sandbox in K-korea!? Was there a lot of sand!? Did you have a lot of pwaymates there!?”

You giggle at your daughter’s enthusiasm, combing your fingers through her hair. “Lili, Sandbox is like the Silicon Valley of Korea. It isn’t necessarily a sandbox like in a playground, baby.”

“OOOH! JUST LIKE SIWICON VAWWEY!” She chirps, tightening her hug and reaching for your hand and squeezing it. “AH WAIT!” She gently pushes you away and makes a beeline to her room. “ME AND DADDY HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU! BUT CLOSE YOUR EYES FIRST OWKAAY?!” She calls out from her room and you shout back a “yes!” to her in between your giggles, unable to contain the sudden rush of serotonin your daughter had given you from her simple yet adorable antics.

Another trope that you can debunk is that rich moms can be a hands-on parent too! After your maternity leave ended and when Amelia had finally reached her toddler years, you absolutely made sure that you were going to take care of her every second, minute, hour and day of your life. As soon as she turned two, she became the inquisitive, smart and ever so curious little girl you and Levi had always hoped for. She had your (h/c) hair and Levi’s icy yet warm and loving milky grey eyes. If the color of Levi’s reminded you of dark and stormy clouds, Amelia’s was gleaming. Like that of the clouds after a terrible storm. She was an absolute blessing and although you weren’t a perfect mother, (spoiling her more than you should) Levi was an amazing father. Growing up without parents was tough for him and he was going to make sure that Amelia is going to have an amazing childhood and be surrounded by the love of two parents that he never had and never got to experience. 

You always and will forever have trust in Levi. There has never been a day where you doubted him. Despite the impressions and assumptions that people have of him. How he was cold, scary, and even calculating. But, you are always quick to shut down those rumors. They don’t know the Levi Ackerman behind the cold and mighty front he shows. He is a man who has gone through so much and yet has so much love and care to give. How he notices and remembers the littlest details, how he never takes anything for granted and how he loves and cherishes everything so wholeheartedly.

When Amelia turned six, you sadly had to go back to work formally. Right timing too because your genius (with very himbo tendencies) younger cousin, Eren, was about to be part of your start-up company and he had a lot of amazing plans that had to come into fruition. Even bringing in a group of his own friends (who all graduated in MIT by the way!) who are willing to contribute so many amazing ideas and hackathons that were just waiting to happen.

The entrance of these youthful and hopeful genius entrepreneurs also brought about the temporary exit of your very own husband from your very own company. Apparently, working with newly graduated Gen Zers (as a millennial) was too much for him. They were nice and they were going to be a very integral part of the company. But, the boomer inside Levi can’t just can’t keep up with this sudden surge of energy and youthfulness within the higher-ups. It was also a great opportunity for him to take care of Amelia even more. So, you didn’t stop him from doing so! 

It’s been a year since he temporarily resigned and became an official-unofficial househusband. Or as your best friend Hanji likes to put it, You are the Girl Boss and he is the Male Wife. Amelia is now 7 years old and she’s currently taking Ballet classes (Levi picks her up during the weekdays, and the both of you pick her up on the weekends) and has developed a hyperfixation over Sanrio Characters and the Disney movie, Frozen. She was growing up to be a wonderful girl and you just can’t wait to hear what she and Levi had done during your absence.

She skips her way back to you, a book tightly clutched in her hands. “SURPRISE!” Amelia gingerly places a book on your hand. You open your eyes and tilt your head in question at the piece of literature she had just given you as you read the title aloud.  “The Way of the House Husband… written by Levi Ackerman.” Your eyes shift to a little circle on the lower side of the cover,  “The husband of (Y/N) Ackerman, the CEO of Survey Corp Tech…!?” 

“Daddy and I made a book while you were away!” She claps her hands together and grabs the book back from you, turning it to the first page. “See there’s even a dedication! To (Y/N) and Amelia! The two brightest stars in my galaxy!”

“Oh that’s too cheesy. No way would your dad write something like this out of the blue, Lili.” You scoff, shaking your head in disbelief. Your daughter looks at you with downcast eyes while you were still trying to process that your husband literally just wrote a whole-ass book while you were away. “Who helped publish this so quickly, Amelia?”

“Uncle Erwin of course!” She’s frowning for one second and now she’s beaming at you again. “Please please read it mommy! Me and daddy worked really really hard on it!” She taps the hardbound cover of the book in rhythms. “This is the Amelia Edition! Daddy said he cut out some stuff so that it would be okay for me to read and for me to give to you once you get home! It’s my come back home gift for you mommy!” She moves the book to your lap and hops up next to you on the loveseat that you were sitting on. Before you know it, Amelia is resting her head on your shoulder and coaxing you to start reading to her like it was a bedtime story. 

You clear your throat and hold her by the waist so that she can feel more secure in her seat. “Okay… okay… let’s begin shall we? In a kingdom far far away…”

“That’s not how the book is like mommy! Read it properly like the way daddy did!”

“I was just joking, honey. Let’s get started. Rule #1 of the House Husband is…”

Rule #1: Fathers, be good to your children. You are the weight of their world.

“One thing I learned as soon as I was at home practically 24/7 is that your child will be more cautious and weary of you. They will observe you because they look up to you. They will watch your every move, follow you around, and will imitate whatever you say and whatever they hear from you. Talk to them, teach them things they need to know, support them in their hobbies, interests, and even if you have to be the extra princess in her tea party, do it.  The thing is, you will leave an eternal mark on the hearts of your children.”

Amelia got even more closer to Levi when he was finally stationed at home. Always grinning from ear to ear and boasting to her classmates how cool her dad was whenever he would pick her up from school. She was proud to tell them Levi’s heritage even if Amelia never got to meet her Grandma Ackerman and Grandpa Ackerman. When Levi would take her out for errands, may they be groceries, cleaning the house, baking, cooking, laundry, or just going on his morning jog, Amelia would be there to accompany him. In fact, she’s gone shopping with Levi so many times that she has memorized the brand names of cleaning detergent and bleach before she could even memorize the multiplication table.

 She’s even caught up with her father’s cynical sense of humor. And because of that, Levi had to tone down on his sardonic jokes around the little girl. Levi wasn’t necessarily physically affectionate but he does soften around Amelia as the little girl never fails to supply him with endless hugs and kisses on the cheek. She may be both a Mommy’s and Daddy’s girl, but the way she looks up to Levi is the kind of father-daughter bond that you hardly see in real life. She aspires to be like him. Even if there were times where she would be scolded by you both, (most especially Levi) she never took that against you.  She sees all the good and positive sides of your husband that others outside of your circle fail to see.

Rule #2: Let your children know that they have other “guardian angels” who they can rely on aside from their parents.

“My daughter has both my wife and I’s best friends to learn from or to look up to. Her kooky aunkling and her blunt uncle have become one of the most precious people in her life. Even the young ins working at Survey Corp Tech have become older siblings to her and get along with her so well. Remember that there will always be close relatives or friends who can and will help them when they lose their way. Let them spread sunshine and love to others.”

Whether it’s a regular trip to Coney Island or your monthly trips to Disneyland, Hanji or Erwin would totally tag along. Amelia absolutely loves and vibes with Hanji’s quirkiness so well. They would wear matching Mickey Mouse ears, ride the kiddie roller coaster that Amelia wanted to ride on a million times per visit, buy her all the ice cream and treats she wants (despite Levi’s warnings and the reprimanding that Hanji has to suffer from the both of you right after.) They just want Amelia to experience all the fun, the joy, and innocence of living in the moment. As a kid, it’s better if she sees how precious life is, how she should cherish it and that she doesn’t have to grow up so fast just yet. 

Erwin on the other hand, brought out Amelia’s intellectual side more. As soon as a new and critically acclaimed children’s book hit the shelves, you bet Amelia has a copy right away. Whenever Levi would take her to Erwin’s bookstore, she wanders around like it’s this huge mysterious archive that can only be accessed by her. The Adults section is forbidden, so were the cheap romance novels in the back, and the books written by youtubers. God forbid she read those. When her Uncle Erwin got her into reading Roald Dahl’s children’s books, you had to watch Amelia run around the penthouse with a little red ribbon tied on top of her hair, wanting to be referred to as Matilda, along with you and Levi having to pretend that she had telekinetic powers for 6 months straight. It was her cutest phase yet and you just know there were many more to come. 

There were also Eren and his friends who loved Amelia dearly whenever she came over to visit. Your little cousin refused to be called Uncle Eren and instead wanted to be called big bro, and in which Amelia happily complied. Whenever it was Amelia’s weekly “Visit Mommy at Work” day, she had her own room in your office where Eren and your other young associates would babysit her. In fact, they would actually take turns in babysitting at your condo whenever you and Levi went out for date night. Amelia was introduced to playing video games like Animal Crossing and Pokemon solely because of them (more specifically because of big bro Jean, big sis Sasha, and big bro connie.) They even ended up influencing her to watch anime when her big brother “Minmin” and big sis “Mimi” accidentally left the TV on and Amelia literally binge-watched half of the existing Studio Ghibli movies to this date. 

Rule #3: Your children will think that you are Superman or Iron Man. Make sure to act like them and never let them down by ruining their innocence and imagination.”

(A little note was attached to this page: Please don’t let Amelia read this. Read her a fairy tale instead while skimming through this.)

“It all started when my daughter found an entire encyclopedia on ancient and legendary family clans around the world. The Ackerman clan was on the very first page after the intro and she read through all 50 pages of it. The look of awe on her face when she read that her dad’s ancestors exhibit physical abilities much higher than the average human. In a 7 year old’s mind and vocabulary, that automatically translates to a superhero akin to that of Superman. 

Ever since then, My daughter has forced me to become more creative with doing very mundane tasks and chores. I pretend to have superpowers. Such as teleporting around the house whilst cleaning. I tell her to close her eyes or else my teleportation powers won’t work. Then when I cook in the kitchen and she watches me intently, I tell her that the salt and pepper have magical properties that only I can touch and hold because to her, at that moment, I was “Doctor Stwange.”

and one time, when I picked her up from school, she was babbling on about how she told her friends and playmates that she had two superhero parents she was very proud of. Then one of the other kids asked if I was a strong soldier who killed huge humanoid monsters using sharp blades. To which I replied that could have possibly happened in a different universe. Her hearty laughs and giggles whenever she sees me using my superpowers makes me anxious over the fact I have to tell her someday that my powers never existed.”

Whilst you were on your monthly trip, you and Levi would have private video calls whenever Amelia was finally put to bed. There, he told you about what happened in Amelia’s ballet classes that week and how the single mothers were more persistent than usual.

They could clearly see that Levi was not interested but apparently the fact that your husband waving his ring finger every single time someone approached him wasn’t obvious enough, apparently the fact that he was married made the risk even more worth it to these prying moms who had nothing better to do. It wasn’t until Amelia had enough and respectfully called them out by saying that his dad was married and he was never going to be interested in Karens (a slang word that she learned from Eren and friends) Since then, the invasion of parent to parent boundaries had finally stopped. Levi was very relieved and at ease whilst telling you the story yet you were laughing your heart out at the ingenious remarks of your very own daughter on top of the irresistible charm and looks of your own husband that made single mothers be damned. 

Rule #4: The most important rule of all: Love your spouse as you want your children to be loved in the future.

“Since my wife is on a business trip right now as I type this and she may or may not know that I had written this book for her to read when she comes home, my daughter came up to me a few days ago and told me how she missed her mom so much. The video calls we had every night were not enough to satisfy her for the remaining days her mother would be gone. She then proceeds to tell me that she loves the way I love (Y/N). My daughter loved how patient I was and how I supported her through every endeavor that her mother had ever thought up with that brilliant mind of hers. She mentioned how I was there for her through every success and failure, through hardships, difficulties and misunderstandings. My daughter was happy because I stuck with her mother through everything. All the pain, suffering, conflicts that we both experienced individually and as husband and wife. Little ears and little eyes are watching and observing the actions and sweet gestures of their parents. Make sure to remember that.”

“What is gravy (grief) if not love persevewing?” (persevering) My daughter had even recounted a quote from the Disney Marvel show, WandaVision just to prove a point to me. That was when I realized something and decided to list down a few things: 

1. The best lovers are the best of friends.

Levi’s relationship with you was rocky at first simply because the two of you didn’t have a lot in common. Your personalities clashed and the two of you could barely make things work in the beginning. He was always well-dressed, on time, and was very prim and proper. However, Levi was cold, strict, and unapproachable. You on the other-hand were quite the opposite. You used to arrive late, didn’t care too much about your style as long as you wore the appropriate outfit, but you were carefree, laidback and friendly. Having to set aside your differences was a process that required sacrifice, time, and effort. It took long and a lot of petty arguments before the two of you fully understood each other, accepted each other's faults and quirks, and became even closer. Both as friends and lovers. You and Levi treat each other not as just the “person I love and I’m married to for the rest of my life”, but also as a best friend for life. Soulmates

2. Their dreams are just as important as yours.

Levi’s dream was to open up a tea shop and start a family with you. That was all he ever wanted. The blissful simplicity of his in comparison to your techy and out of this world ambitions, goes to show how much they weigh as aspirations and wants in life. You have to value your significant other’s dreams and ambitions just as much as you highly value yours. No matter how hard or how simple they are, the both of you can achieve it with the help of each other. The only thing left in your agenda was to open up his long-awaited Tea Shop. You were about to surprise him with the plans of opening one up on the day of his birthday, and you just can’t wait for that day to finally come.

3. You have to let them be free.

Levi absolutely knew what he was getting into when he met you. It was love at first sight when he met you, He drunkenly admitted that one time when he’s had too much champagne on your friday date night. He knew that you were an adventurer. A wandering soul who had a goal and a purpose set in stone. He always knew you were going to reach greater heights and he knew that you would never leave him behind and would always have him go on a ride. He’s always known about your capabilities and your potential and he didn’t want you to stray away from that. And, if the time were to come that you had to leave him behind to soar greater heights, he’d understand that. He’d always let you be free and make sure you don’t fly too close to the sun. That was just how selfless Levi is. The thing is, he knows you would do the same for him. It was a perfect balance. 

4. It is an honor to love and to be loved by them.

To be wrapped in the arms of someone who feels like home or has become the definition of home, To be stargazing with on a chilly summer night in where you talk about your future and your plans, To be sharing a cup of coffee or tea with in the morning and begrudgingly dancing with you against his will, To be watching your child playing in her room and do nothing but look adoringly at the most precious soul to have ever been produced by your encompassing love, and to be spending the rest of your life with someone who has done nothing but be with you through every pivotal moment in your life was such an honor. 

It is an honor to be loved by Levi, as he is honored to be loved by you. 

“...The end.” You close the book with a deep but contented sigh. Tears were welling up in your eyes and you’re trying your best not to break down in front of Amelia. 

“Mommy… are you crying?” She tilts her head in inquiry. “Is it because you’re tired from work?”

“No. baby. These are happy tears, Lili. Don’t worry.”

Before you could speak up once more, you notice Levi had slowly sprung up from the couch, and began to stretch his arms. His eyes widen when he sees you from the opposite couch. “(Y/N)... you were supposed to arrive at 6 AM right? Amelia and I were supposed to pick you-”

Amelia opens her mouth to speak as she jumps down from the couch and crawls up to sit next to Levi. “Daddy! I showed Mommy the book you wrote! She loved it! Right, Mommy?”

“You did?” Your husband perks up from his seat, clearing his throat. “T-that’s not the entire book yet by the way. We had to give back the original copies to Erwin for reprinting. The self-help book is currently rising up the charts to be a New York Times Best Seller.” 

Before Levi could properly react, you move to the free space on the couch next to him. Holding his hand and gazing into his forlorn yet loving eyes, you muttered. “Love, that’s amazing. I’m really really proud of you. Next time though, please do tell me that you’ve written a self-help book and dethroned all those mommy authors from the bestselling charts.” 

Levi stifles a laugh, stroking your thumb and bringing you and Amelia closer to him for warmth. “I will. I will.” 

Amelia looks up at the two of you, squeezing out of the sandwich, so that you and Levi can have your quality time with each other. “Goodnight Mom! Goodnight Dad!” She approaches the two of you so that she can be given her nightly kiss on the cheek as she retreats to her room. 

“What if I write a novel too?” You joke, snuggling up to Levi, your husband wrapping his arm around you. “The title could be… The way of the Wife boss?” 

“That could be a good sequel. A shared book universe. Then, Amelia could continue the collection when we’re old and sour as hell.” Levi mused.

“Pfft. I guess only time will tell. I love you Levi.”

“I love you too (Y/N).”

[sasa-gay-yo]

Phone Call - Levi Ackerman - 200 Follower Special

Levi Ackerman - ModernAU - Light Smut -  “Are you horny right now?”- “This was supposed to be a one-time thing.” - “We’re just friends? I fucked you though.” - MINORS DNI

❀ღ✦❁♡ッ✽❀ꕤღ✦♡❁✽ッ✧❀

In front of everyone. Literally, as you were trying to babysit the college kids from breaking into your liquor cabinet, yelling at your brother who started this whole drunken mess, he grabbed your ass. It wasn’t like he was trying to hide it either, and it made you jump two feet in the air. At first, you thought it was one of Jean’s friends, maybe Eren who you knew had a crush on you, but the raven-haired man never failed to surprise you. I mean, who would have thought you and Levi Ackerman would have sex sober? You two always claimed to be annoyed by the other. Then, last week happened...

Levi was the uptight upperclassman, in your grade, who somehow got involved with the “brats” and could never get away from them. Part of the reason was because Hange, your best friend, and Armin, Jean’s friend, were co-presidents of the Biochemistry Club, and the other part, unknown to you, was that he thought Jean’s sister was incredibly hot. And incredibly beautiful. And Levi wanted you to date him. So much so, he even told Erwin about it. Levi was serious about pursuing something if Erwin knew about it. However, you didn’t know and the fact that he didn’t try to contact you for another round after what you thought was quite a good session, made you think he was over it.

Now, a week later, he’d shown up at your apartment on the tails of Hange and Armin. Jean had asked to host this party at your place, knowing how small his four-bedroom was, and you had no ability to say no to your little brother. Now, again, we come back to the present. Levi groping your bent over ass, something pressing into your thigh, while you were trying to shut your expensive liquor collection from the already drunk crew.

“What are you doing?” You stood up, facing him, and he had that blank look on his face. The first and only time he’d given you emotion was when he was inside of you. In class. Blank. Study session at Erwin and his place. Blank.

“I’m bored of these kids trying to mix the strongest drinks they possibly can using nothing but Coke and everclear. Want to do something?” Your eyes widened at bit, putting your hands on your hips to show some opposition. You weren’t going to let Levi Ackerman think you were that easy.

“Hm, I remember you saying in the morning that this was supposed to be a one-time thing. What changed your mind?” You want to walk away from him, rolling your eyes at how his faced morphed into one of annoyance. The hand he grabbed, he pulled straight down, right to his hard-on threatening the integrity of the jeans he wore.

“Could stop thinking of when I bent you over that cabinet. Thought I’d try to do it again.” You looked down the hallway at the kids who’d gathered to play a round of drunk truth or dare. There was no way you were letting him fuck you in a house full of Jean’s friends. One, you’d be mortified, and two, Jean’s friends would never let you live it down. You had a thesis to prepare and couldn’t deal with that constant headache.

“Maybe next time,” you said, swatting at his lower half to push him back. You tossed him a quick wink over your shoulder before joining the drunk truth or dare, only watching and laughing at the stupid things they made each other do. At one point, Hange had to put her clothes on upside down and Historia had to drunk call her ex-Reiner. Then, Jean noticed you were being excluded from his punishments and couldn’t have that.

“Hey! Truth or dare!” He yelled at you, and now everyone had turned, egging you on to answer. You guessed just one little round wouldn’t hurt.

“Dare.” There were ooh’s and Jean hadn’t expected you to say that, so he looked around the room trying to muster up a good enough dare. He wasn’t going to give his sister a sexual one like the others before it, but Connie had bigger ideas.

“I dare you to call the last person you had sex with and give them a rating! Like an Uber ride!”

“Connie, what the hell man?!” Jean yelled, not wanting to hear that, but the other certainly did. They’d heard things you and Jean have told them, and for the girls in the group, you were the resident sex advice expert, coming to you for any advise or sex item buying. You had no shame in helping them. Therefore, with your wealth of knowledge, they knew you’d have someone to call. However, you weren’t about to do that, when sitting right across from you was the receiver. He was staring right at you too, seeing if you had enough confidence to do it.

“Do I have to do it in front of you all?”

“No, I don’t wanna he-“

“Yes, you do,” Eren cut in, glaring at Jean. You sighed. It wasn’t the fact that you had to do this, in all honesty, it was a boring dare, but it was because Levi was in the room. If his phone rang in his pocket, you would die right there and then. Just a few days ago, you were ranting up and down to them, having your weekly lunch at the undergraduate cafeteria after your TA-ing, about how much you hated Levi. This was also during the time he ghosted you after giving you the best sex ever. You were a bit salty.

“Ugh, it’s not like I can give a good rating to this person.” You saw Levi’s eyes flicker with amusement, and he got up right away to walk down the hallway into the kitchen. That line was to hide your embarrassment, but he seemed to have a different idea.

“I’m not listening to her ass rant about sex again. All goddamn day I hear this shit,” grumbling in character, and you saw him take his phone out of his pocket before turning the corner. Now that you insulted him, he wanted you to call. He wanted to see if you had the guts to say that while he was whispering in your ear. He had big plans.

“Literally, this is boring. Can we just move on?” No one listened to Jean, even if you wanted them too, and Hange was the one who pulled your phone out of your purse and threw it at you… probably because she was the only one who knew. She wanted to see how this all would play out.

“Fine. Fine. It won’t be a long call though.” You scrolled through your contacts, thumb hovering over his name for a few seconds before pressing the call button. Levi was smart, and let it ring until it almost went to voice mail.

“Hello?” You shifted in your seat, hearing his voice on the other line. It was laced with the same poison he used to whisper sweet nothings in your ear last week, making you come so much, you’d lost count. It was all because of a dare too. Last week, you’d personally dared him. He couldn’t make a woman come, not with that attitude. Boy, did he show you the talent he possessed. Thinking about it made you shift in your seat.

“Hey, you got a minute. Just wanted to run somethings down with you.” He hummed, and the pairs of eyes staring at you got more and more intense. It was a good thing they couldn’t hear him, and that he was whispering in the other room.

“So, you remember last week right? After the bar?” He chuckled, and of course, it had to send shivers down your spine. No matter how awkward this was, no matter if your brother and his friends were staring and whispering, you were literally getting dirty talked to over the phone by Levi. This was, perhaps, a dream, but you had to play it cool.

“How could I forget the way you clenched around me? I made you cum twice with my dick, no? Three with just my tongue.” You gripped the phone, feeling your stomach heat up. You felt something else too, but you had to ignore it. You had too. There would be hell to pay if you showed signs of getting aroused in front of everyone, especially Hange who had a shit-eating grin on her face.

“Yeah, I know this is weird… but, uh, it’s a dare. Just play along, yeah? It’ll be over soon.” You heard him shift and started to get curious as to what position he was in, only a wall in between the both of you.

“Are you horny right now? In front of Jean and his friends? How dirty of you. Imagine if they knew you were getting off to just my voice, baby girl. Do you think they’d believe it? That I was the one who had you bent over on that very couch, spread for me?”  You swallowed hard, and that’s when the smart ones in the group knew something was up. You could tell by Armin, Mikasa, and Annie’s faces that they knew. They knew whatever this stranger was saying was affecting you in all the right ways.

But, you continued like he was saying nothing.

“Well, yeah, so I’m rating it. Our experience. I’d say out of five stars, give it a two-point-five, maybe three?” He scoffed into the phone and had to hold himself back from laughing out loud and blowing his cover. He knew better than anyone that that was a lie. Levi’s dick had you crying out in pleasure. Hell, he still had the scratches on his back from you and the imagine of you squirming underneath him permanently engraved in his mind. An image of innate, lustful beauty. If anything, he should receive five-out-of-five-stars.

“You want to lie to me right now? Two-point-five? I should make you choke on my dick for saying that. Come to the kitchen and find out what a two-point-five is. I’ll just leave you on the floor after, my cum on your face, begging for me to fuck you.” The groan came out. You couldn’t hide it. It was the way he was being so vivid. It was the way you were glad you were sitting with your legs underneath you, trying to find some relief from his voice. God, he already had you dripping. You shouldn’t have fucking denied him by the liquor cabinet.

Still, you had to hide that groan.

“No, just stop there. Look. We agreed, just friends yeah. I’d like to keep it that way. If we do things twice, it’ll lead to something else. I mean, if you want I can-“ He cut you off, and you heard him groan to. You heard the shallow breaths he was taking. Was he… was he jacking off in your kitchen?

“We’re just friends? I fucked you though. Besides, I don’t give head to my friends, hm? Are you sure we’re just friends, baby? What did you call me the other night or did you forget because I fucked you dumb?” He moaned in your ear after saying it, adding to the pressure of the situation. You were getting so hot and bothered. The moan was just loud enough for it to have lasting effects in your stomach. He was fucking edging you over the phone, your body radiating with heat. Fuck. At this point, you didn’t care if the others heard, you needed relief. You were quick to give him some subliminal messages, steering him in your direction. You know you’d get shit for it later, but you didn’t care. You needed him to touch you and fast.

“No, no. I never said that. Just stick to what we’re doing, yeah?” You didn’t give him a chance to answer, “Mhm, alright. If you wanna meet up with some friends Monday, sure! Like I said, we’re still friends. Yeah, totally. Your house?” You asked that last question, hoping to God that he would get the hint. You needed him now and he was just a five-minute drive. Damn, maybe you’d just fuck him in the car.

“My house? What if I just fuck you right here in front of all of them? I know Eren would like it. You want Eren to watch me fuck you? Claim you as mine? We all know you caught him jerking off to you. I don’t like to share. Even images in other peoples’ minds. They don’t get to dream of your pussy like I do.”  You took one last shaky breath, seeing now everyone’s faces. They were either confused or getting bored of the conversation. Those confused were starting to pick up on your physical signals. Those bored were Eren and Connie, who were hoping you’d at least give them some explicit details to jack-off to later. Shoot, it was hard to not want to have sex with Jean’s hot older sister. Everyone in the group had a desire to do it at some point, but Levi had secretly gotten to you first.

“Yeah, you can, but I’d prefer my suggestion. Just works better in my timetable.” He chucked, and you heard him set the phone down, a belt buckle clinking in the background.

“How about once in the car and a few times at my place? Let’s try to break last week’s record, yeah? You came five times on Friday. Let’s make it six or seven. I want to see those tears on your cheeks. Meet me at my car?” You smiled and almost shouted out with joy, partly because you’d finally be able to get rid of the ache between your thighs, and two because you needed to keep up the act.

“Sure! I’ll see you then.” Finally, fucking finally, you got to hang up. It was a sigh of relief that followed, and then you turned to everyone.

“Talking to that guy is so boring. One of the wo-“ Your phone rang again, and you answered it without thinking.

“Hell-“

“I forgot to tell you, I don’t have condoms at mine, so were going to have to stop on the way back and buy some.” Levi smirked down at you, phone to his ear. He’d walked back into the living room, and you saw his shirt was untucked. You also saw everyone’s reaction and Hange bursting out in laughter. It only took a few seconds for everyone to realize what was happening, and in the process, Levi hung up, the stupid smirk plastered all over his face. He didn’t care what the brats thought or knew about his sex life, all that matter was the payback and feeling of self-fulfillment with the look he put on your face... and maybe making Eren Jaeger want to be him. Sure, he’d get some shit later form Jean, but nothing he couldn’t handle. The sex was going to be worth it anyways.

“You two had sex! Oh. My. God!”

“No way! You were just complaining about him last week!”

“If he was the last person you had sex with, didn’t you say that that was the best di-“ You shot up, cutting off Historia from indulging the others in front of you. They could talk about it however much they wanted when you left, and you knew you’d grow to regret telling her and Mikasa in detail about Levi and your experience. You left out his name, but at that point you wanted to brag about the best dick you ever received to them. You know, girl talk. Now it was fucking awful they knew.

“Goodbye!” You yelled out, grabbing Levi’s wrist and not caring that you just walked out in house slippers. You were leaving that place as fast as you could. It wasn’t until inside the elevator that you let go of him and could finally breath again. Then you turned to him.

“What the he-!“ He pushed you against the wall, a hand on the small of your back and the other above your head. His lips cut you off, using your open mouth to dive right in. He stole a small grope too, the same place on your ass that he squeezed earlier. Before the elevator hit the parking garage, he finally let you breathe, your lips already red from his attack. He didn’t stop though, continuing to kiss down your jaw, lifting your leg up off the ground just to grind into you slowly. Teasing. 

“Best dick you ever had huh? Is that what Historia was about to say?” You groaned and he just laughed, noticing how red you lit up. You were also trying to move your body to feel his bulge over your own arousal. He was playing with you too much for you liking.

“The best dick I ever had ignored me for a week, too. Almost moved on.” The door dinged, and he pushed off you, leading you with his hand to his car.

“You want me to have sex with you so all of Erwin’s political science nerds can hear? I know Jean’s at your house 24/7 too.” That’s when you remembered that Erwin went home on the weekends to have family dinner with his mother. It was currently Saturday night.

“You just threatened to fuck me in front of all of them, I think you wouldn’t mind Erwin’s political science nerds.” Again, he pushed you up against his car, the chill of the red metal and his closeness, his heat, causing goosebumps to raise on your skin. He just moved his neck sideways, his mouth right on your ear to give you the same effect the phone call did. He brought his hand up too, gently squeezing the sides of your neck. It made you literally moan out loud, echoing through the underground parking garage. He smirked at how he was affecting you.

“You’re mine now. No one gets to see you stripped but me. Is that clear?” You whimpered as his hands began to wander, the heat pooling between your thighs. It took all of you to not jump him right there and then, but at least he had similar ideas.

“Yes, sir.” He chucked, pressing one kiss to the side of your neck. His seal of approval. Permission to finally do what you want. 

“Good. Now take those panties off and get in the back of the car, beautiful. I can’t wait any longer.”

❀ღ✦❁♡ッ✽❀ꕤღ✦♡❁✽ッ✧❀

This request was supposed to have some fluff in it too, but I, uh, well this took me places.

[aerplain]

Hiii okay pick and choose or do them all haha :] 001, Catch 22, 002, Girlverse Cathkorn, 003, Girlcart (I'm sure you saw this coming) and your OC Saph :')

HEY MAX thanks for the ask and yes i will do all of them >:}

cut bc it will be very long

CATCH 22

Favorite character: Cath... idk. :] he’s so terrible but so dumb and his parts are the funniest to read. Awful person wonderful character. I want another book of just his reactions to Situations bc he’s just such a Guy. The guy ever Least Favorite character: I think the answer for most people is aarfy. and I agree but I'm gonna also say captain black. Aarfy because he was created to function as basically the Worst, and Cpt Black bc i just personally find him annoying. There’s a lot of awful guys in c22 who are fun to read about, but reading these guy’s parts is just “man them again. do they ever shut up”. 5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): 

Kathcorn 4ever </3 

M&W (thanks max) 

clevbar (thanks max)

Yoss/luciana - they’re a classic

space reserved for random joke stuff that has no reason other than “these guy’s names are always mentioned together so they’re a Thing now” (gus/wes or plitchard/wren) there’s no reason for this but its funny

Character I find most attractive: Any character I draw tbh. I think they’re all supposed to be just Guys but i cant help being like “hi 😘″ when i draw them.  Character I would marry: NO ONE. they are so ridiculous Luciana Character I would be best friends with: clevinger maybe. we’re both annoying and like to seem smart.  a random thought: said this earlier but they will never make a good adaptation if they don’t get the cathcart or the milo right. They're so integral to the story and they’re always adapted like “look at this funny guy. he’s going to be a nuisance.😉 now back to yossarian”. and milo is always clean shaven and cathcart is not smoking his opulent cigarette holder? why not?? An unpopular opinion: i dont know what unpopular or popular c22 opinions even are. major major could beat captain black in a fistfight My Canon OTP: Do cath & korn count. I think they should count (has read every part where they’re mentioned like 20 times and morphed it to fit my interpretation) I think heller could’ve meant it in a homophobic way. Gay disney villain korn time. If they don’t count i think the Yoss & Luciana bits were always fun too.  My Non-canon OTP: Milo & Wintergreen just cuz I love your writing for them max. I never would’ve come up with this on my own since I don’t think they really interact cuz the concept itself is so fun. Business rivals>business partners> Love?? Most Badass Character: No one they are all kind of losers. Maybe Orr  Most Epic Villain: same for the last one. they’re all lame. Or the idea of the catch itself and all of it’s enforcers  Pairing I am not a fan of: maybe this is my unpopular opinion but i think yoss & chaplain are not ideal romantically. its the fandom go-to romance bc its the literal first line (and i used to love them when i first read the book) but idk. theyre ok to me and not as fun as all the other wacky and crazy guys out there Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): I think duckett should NOT have been into yossarian and her thing should've just been being girlbffs with cramer. love loses. heller has to write every woman the way he does :[ Favourite Friendship: ME and MAX catch22bffs forever <3. real answer i think clev/dunbar/yossarian have the best conversations theyre all so insufferable in their own ways and its great Character I most identify with: nurse cramer. kinda her friend starts dating some guy and she’s like “ok what happened to being girl best friends😒”. and dobbs in the sense that i am kind of bad at a lot of the things i have to do Character I wish I could be: NO ONE for real this time. i can’t think of a single guy who isn’t either awful or has awful things happen to them. or both

Kathcorn :>

When I started shipping them: i remember reading the book the first time and thinking ‘wow they are just like my ocs. theyre dating behind the scenes haha’ and then forgetting about them. And I get back into the book and find a few other people who are Cath n Korn fans, I get really into Kathcorn Kontent, I draw them more and now they're my favorites <3 My thoughts: they’ve got one of my favorite themes, where the relationship isn’t beneficial to their main goals at all really. They both want to rise the ranks and being In Love with your right hand man isn’t really gonna help with that. Korn’s like one of those edgy guys who says he doesn’t want to get attached to people because it’s Just a Distraction from the Real Goal. And Cathcart’s one of those annoying guys who says he doesn’t want to get attached to people because it’s Just a Distraction from the Real Goal. And then both of them would try to justify it in their own silly ways and eventually have come to terms with it. And its also funny cuz they’re both just The Worst.  What makes me happy about them: they are both so lame and evil and sucks that everything they do will be entertaining to me  What makes me sad about them: I dont think they can even exist in a way that isn’t destructive to each other and everyone else around them. Not really sad since I focus more on the silly aspect but it could be. Not that they wouldn’t deserve it but it sucks that they have to drag the entire world into their evil love affair </3 Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Nothing they are ALL good i think to be a korn&cath liker you have to already Understand so all the fanfictions will naturally be good bc of that Things I look for in fanfic: For it to exist and for it to center around their inane interactions and just how awful they are but in a #love way My wishlist: I wish we got a scene inside the farmhouse. Just to see what theyre up to 🤔I wish we got the Korn chapter too Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: no one comes to mind. dreedle and peckem My happily ever after for them: their happily ever after is probably promotion and continuing to ruin lives but i think they really have to end up in the farmhouse. They cant have a farmhouse and not just retire there when everything goes wrong. its too convenient and its perfect

Girlcart<3<3<3

How I feel about this character: genderswap of cath that i got really attached to for no reason. Cathcart is interesting as a hypothetical female character since he’s trying to be this stereotypical toughguy all the time but he’s also so dumb and evil and awful. girlcart, i wuv her. she’s so important. She’s just woman cathcart but there’s the added interest of how she ended up as a squadron commander as a woman in the 40s, her relation with masculinity/femininity, whether she becomes more sympathetic when her problems are not all self imposed.. and we need more loser evil women everywhere Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: could it ever be anyone but girlkorn My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: to be honest she wouldnt have many friends but i think her interactions with milo would be funny. i like what we made up about Girl Milo being very ‘this is my 10 step beauty routine you should do it too. buy M&M skincare’ and cathcart being like ‘eww... makeup, gross” but also wanting to impress milo because milo is Successful My unpopular opinion about this character: She deserves everything ever shes so special. girlcart hiii. she sucks and she’s lame One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: there’s no canon bc we just make it all up. but i think her established storyline is growing up and not really belonging anywhere that a Lady(TM) would typically in the 20s-30s, always being second best in the rich east coast elite world and being desperate for some recognition. I think she deserved a friend who wasn’t caught up in the whole status thing Favorite friendship for this character: does milo count? danby? anyone? Korn’s her only friend and cathcart can’t stand her. I’ll be her favorite friend My crossover ship: what would she even cross over into?? she’d need a kornguy that’s all i know. 

Saph (OC)

How I feel about this character: Spy character for my main story. She's been around for longer than any character i’ve ever liked ever. I made her in middle school and she was a dragon named Sapphire (hence the Saph) and she’s stayed with me through countless story changes. I dont think because of anythign particularly special about the character but she was my first OC and typical toughgirl undefeatable no-weaknesses character made by a 12-year-old. and i think she retains that in sprit but in practice she’s a total mess. I <3 U saph Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Riya, another oc that i made to be saph’s sidekick also in middle school who i recently decided should #love her. I can’t really see Saph in any romantic situations so they’re either in an awkward purely physical relationship that’s really tragic for Riya or its an equally fail unrequited love situation. Riya’s not very outgoing so she’s kind of stuck with Saph and Saph doesn’t tend to get attached to anyone My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Riya again if you count the weird sexual-platonic thing they’d have going on. but she’s also got her spy team of basically a bunch of frat boys and they like to be Dudes together. I don’t like them tho and a lot of them are basically expendable in the story. rip My unpopular opinion about this character: she could fight 1000 demons and 1000 skeletons & not get scared One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: since her spy team is out trying to kill a politician (other side of the story)  i think it would be funny to write the alternate ending where they team up cartoon-style against a Greater Evil. i think the personalities would mesh well (awfully). I think a lot of her problems couldve been avoided too if the spy team had ditched their stupid orders and just gone on the run (which she and riya do in the end anyways) Favorite friendship for this character: i feel like she’s the sort to always Know A Guy wherever they go. but i dont really have anyone specific yet aside from the main characters and their counterparts. So for now im answering Riya for a third time. My crossover ship: i have nothing to cross over except catch 22. im gonna say wintergreen 

[incorrectlumityquotes]

Why Amity fell for Luz: A Theory

Watching all the episodes of The Owl House and reviewing them brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings that I maybe forgot about. We all ship things and sometimes we do it for fun; sometimes for deeper reasons. I just started lumity because it reminded me of Diana & Akko from Little Witch Academia. I loved that show so much that I wanted more, and I thought it would be cool if Luz & Amity did something similar. I had no idea that it was going to go beyond that, so DAMN. To quote a talking science wolf, “For years we ask how, but we should ask why.” I mean, we saw how. But why? Well I can take a guess.

If we’re are going to start anywhere it’s going to be with the girl in question, Amity Blight.

As far as I know as of this typing, Amity Blight is a witchling from The Boiling Isles. She lives in Bonesboro at The Blight Manor estate with her parents and her siblings. She attends Hexside School of Magic and Demonics. Good for her.

Amity has an ambitious and competitive personality. She’s always striving to be better and be at the top of whatever she is doing. When she’s introduced in I Was a Teenage Abomination, she’s showing having great pride in being the top student in her abomination class. In Adventures in the Elements, she goes to The Knee in hopes of training to beat her siblings’ high score on the placement exam.

Amity also has a bit of a temper and gets annoyed easily. In I Was a Teenage Abomination, she sics her abominations on Willow and Luz just because she wasn’t named top student that day. In Enchanting Grom Fright, Amity snapped at the person she bumped into before realizing it was Luz. And later in the same episode, Amity beat up Hooty when he decided to get too close.

But she does have a soft sensitive side. She keeps a diary in her secret room in the library and even reads to kids in her free time. Amity also has a strong sense of integrity. She despises cheating (and cheaters) and feels guilt when she’s forced to break ties with Willow.

So why did someone like this fall for Luz of all people? (see above image)

Enter what I call my Shipping Theory of Compliments

The Shipping Theory of Compliments is that two characters would be shipped and sometimes canonically enter a romantic relationship based on their personalities complimenting each other and fulfilling elements they don’t have alone necessary to developing the character.

People like to use the image of a missing puzzle piece, but I don’t like that comparison because I think it’s a little inaccurate and I don’t like puzzles. Think of it more like the two pieces of the yin and yang coming together and then growing the circles of the opposite colors in them.

Something like that.

And it’s compliments, not opposites. When you think compliments, think more Star and Marco from Star vs the Forces of Evil. Star wants to go on a magical adventure. Marco also wants to go on a magic adventure. The difference is that Star goes in recklessly while Marco wants to plan it out a bit. They still have their adventure as oppose to Star’s opposite who wouldn’t want to go on a magical adventure. That sort of thing.

So how do Luz and Amity compliment each other?

Let’s start with that they have in common. Obvious stuff aside, they’re both training to become the best witches they can be. The difference comes that Luz is a human who has to learn magic via glyphs that she finds and Amity learns magic the “proper” way on The Boiling Isles. 

Luz and Amity are also both fans of The Good Witch Azura book series. Difference is that Luz is more open about her fandom while Amity tries to keep it a secret. Also petty thing but they’re both fan artists too, but I think Luz might be a better than Amity. But hey, her crosshatching is improving.

Luz and Amity are also (at the start of the series) both lonely people. Luz’s mom says that she doesn’t have any friends, and Amity doesn’t like her “friends.” The difference is that Luz reaches outward to ease her loneliness (being social and friendly, trying new things, etc.) while Amity reaches inward (keeping a diary, staying busy, having a secret spot, etc.). They both also use escapist fiction to ease their loneliness.

That’s all well and good, but now we get into the real speculative parts. 

...complimenting each other and fulfilling elements they don’t have alone necessary to developing the character.

When I was taking acting classes I was taught that the way you see people act is a persona based on their experiences on what it takes to survive and avoid physical, emotional and social death. So now we have to speculate based on what we were given on what emotional/social needs and wants has Amity not been getting before that she has with Luz.

First let me point you to another show called F is for Family. F is for Family is an adult animated sitcom on Netflix that follows a very dysfunctional family in the 1970s. These are legitimately bad characters, not in terms of being poorly written. What I’m saying is that these guys are assholes. But here’s where it gets interesting.

One of the characters is Kevin Murphy, the teenage son of the family. He’s a dim-witted wannabe rockstar who is always yelled at and put down by his parents throughout the entire series. However in season four Kevin meets Alice. Alice teaches Kevin that his favorite band is a big reference to Tolkien and gives him a copy of The Hobbit. They bond over their love of Lord of the Rings and get along really well. Alice calls him smart for being able to read all of Lord of the Rings over a few days and never puts him down. Even in the one time they did fight she never yelled at him or raised her voice which he found weird because he’s so used to being yelled at. Alice gave Kevin the emotional support he always wanted but never got from his family.

Using that as a backdrop, let’s go back to Amity.

Amity grew up with her parents making her do things she didn’t want to do, making choices for her. Amity wanted to be one way. Her parents wanted something else. Amity’s mother even dyes Amity’s hair green so it matches her siblings. Amity wanted to be friends with Willow. Amity’s parents wanted her to be friends with the mean kids. While Amity does work hard to be the best at what she’s doing, her parents also put pressure on her to make sure that she is at that level. 

Her siblings are another bag of awful. They constantly refer to her by an annoying nickname that I’m guessing has an embarrassing moment attached to it. They seem to live by a double standard that Amity despises. She has to work hard and follow the rules just to be accepted while they are naturally talented and break the rules with everyone still thinking that they’re perfect. 

Family is supposed to provide unconditional love except it looks like the love of the Blights is based on conditions. Nobody just likes Amity for who she is. She doesn’t have a friend.

Enter: the friendliest person she’s ever met

Amity has to struggle and work for the simplest things, even affection. Except when it comes to Luz. Luz is naturally friendly and positive. Amity doesn’t have to earn her kindness. Even when she’s bullied Luz before, Luz is always coming back with a smile. I suppose when you live life surrounded by jerks, you’ll want to hang out with the one person who’s always nice to you. Sort of.

Yes, Amity did think Luz was a bully for constantly getting her into trouble. But even at Covention and Lost in Language, Luz kept reaching out to her. This combined with Amity’s awareness of her own behavior is what convinced her to try to reach out in kind to Luz by the end of Lost in Language. “She’s trying to be nice to me, so I should try too,” I’m guessing is the mindset especially in Adventures in the Elements. And then...Luz continued to be nice to her which is kind of a big deal for Amity.

Let’s tally up what we have so far:

Luz and Amity have similar interests (The Good Witch Azura series, art, fiction, learning magic)

Luz and Amity have similar values (work ethic, disdain for cheating, protecting those closest to you, etc.)

Luz gives Amity the positivity and affection that Amity doesn’t normally get anywhere else

They still have differing personalities with Amity being more competitive and Luz having more of a live-and-let-live attitude.

Even with all these things in mind, why was Amity so scared to ask Luz to Grom?

Speculating again but my theory is that Amity wasn’t sure if Luz actually liked her or if Luz is just friendly because that’s how Luz is. Amity was scared of being rejected because she felt that maybe she was just reading the situation wrong. Luz is this ray of sunshine in her gray skies (if you’ll forgive the cliché). People like Amity always think of all the worst possibilities (I know because I do this too). Amity was probably thinking a bunch of what ifs. “What if Luz doesn’t actually like me? What if she’s just being friendly because she feels sorry for me? What if she has feelings for someone else? What if she never actually liked me? What if she’s straight?”

Luz is Amity’s first crush and it is scary as all hell to put yourself out there like that for the first time. She wasn’t expecting to get married at Grom night. She just wanted to dance with the girl she liked.

The dance at Grom was like confirmation for her that it could happen. Amity didn’t have to ask out Luz because Luz asked her. Being with Luz isn’t a pipedream. It’s a definite possibility. And we all know how she reacted to that idea.

Uh...she’ll be in her bunk.

While Luz and Amity aren’t together as of this typing, I believe it’s bound to happen. Until then, after The Lumity Trilogy, Amity knows that Luz is the girl she likes. 

tl;dr version

Amity fell for Luz because they have similar interests and values, their personalities differ in a compatible way and Luz provides Amity emotional needs and wants that she doesn’t get anywhere else.

Also, round eared girl pretty.

.

Thanks everyone for reading.

[bookwyrminspiration]

(hi for the first time in way too long, writer god!! sending you lots of good vibes) kotlc cast as dog breeds?

hello to you too!! I haven't interacted with you in a very long while, so it's wonderful to see you again. As always, the writer god title is very flattering, so thank you for that...writer...worshiper? Disciple? Follower? If I'm a god what does that make you? I think you are also worthy of the god title for some of your fics, I must admit.

also I know so little about dogs and even less about their breeds, so instead I will offer you pictures of dogs I find on the internet that remind me of the characters. And also explain my choices because of course I have to.

because there's a lot of pictures i'll put it under a cut to save everyone's dashboards! enjoy the dog pics!

Sophie:

Something about this dog just feels homey. Beagles feel like a family dog, and because Sophie is so motivated by her friends and family, it feels like it fits her. It looks cuddly, and so is Sophie!

Fitz:

Okay so German Shepards have a kind of reputation as smart, good dogs. They're good at things and have a desire to please, which seems similar to Fitz's own reputation. Capable, praised, well-known, etc. They also both look nice.

Dex:

I've heard that pit bulls have a bad reputation and many people have bad opinions of them, which is perfect for Dex. Until they get to know him, a lot of people have negative assumptions before seeing how sweet they are. Additionally, the coloring is kinda similar to Dex's hair, which is nice! Very lovable.

Keefe:

I have no clue what breed this is, but maybe something leopard? Either way, it stands out for it's fur color, which seems reminiscent of The Hair. It's got a striking appearance and ice blue eyes like Keefe's, so it seemed only fitting to match the two. You know it's fitting that this is the only breed I don't know and Keefe's is the only ability we don't know and is a mesh of other things.

Linh:

Apparently Golden Retrievers are very friendly and open, reminiscent of Linh's sweet, approachable personality. They look very warm and cuddly, but also serene and go-with-the-flow, all aspects that remind me of Linh. The beach in the background doesn't hurt either. They're also like a family dog, so some of Sophie's reasoning applies here as well.

Tam:

Wolfdog! Yes it's black and that's Tam's color, but also the kinda...not entirely dog vibe you get from it is perfect. It's like a dog but also a lot more dangerous feeling, similar to how Tam is technically a part of elven society and interacts but also doesn't feel like he'll ever fully integrate. He's always going to be other and to stand out, more menacing and critical than everyone else. He always carries his time banished and his twin status as a banner, a sort of grim pride.

Biana:

Something about this picture in particular feels very Biana. It's regal, graceful, aesthetic. Her as a husky feels right, the positive, fun reputation and the comments they get for their beauty. Sophisticated and poised. They've got this allure to them that reminds me of her!

Marella:

Marella gets to be the small shitzu! Something about how they have such potential to look so disheveled feels right given how Marella is frequently described as looking the same. They're fun and cute, but also feel a little sneaky. They're small and can get places, similar to how Marella can know things and find things out in ways others don't understand.

Stina:

I feel like this one needs very little explanation. Stina as a poodle is like...so pompous. Not only the similarities in the poofy hair, but poodles have this reputation (especially in cartoons I think?) of being owned by rich people and being in dog shows, being superior to others, etc. Those fit Stina pretty well, the snobby attitude and the reputation alongside how regal they are, if that makes sense.

Maruca:

Okay I'm not entirely sure why this feels right but it does. They're apparently intelligent and energetic, which I think mimics her attitude towards joining the fight. She knows her uses and is eager to make her contributions. However...I specifically chose a younger looking dog because Maruca is newer to the battle. She's eager but makes mistakes and hasn't really learned what she's doing yet. Once she does she'll be very useful, but for now she might need a little guidance.

So there you have it! Apparently I do know enough about dog breeds to assign one to each character and give some reasoning, and as a bonus you get a bunch of dog pictures!! This was a very fun approach to the characters, and I'm sure there are many dog people on this hellsite, so that's fun for all of them!!

thank you for the inspiration!!

[straighttma]

So if we're gonna really het up tma to the worst degree we gotta change some fundamentals.

1. Melanie is not an avatar of the slaughter anymore. She's an avatar of the desolation now because in het media, woman who can physically destroy you = evil and bad. So, to keep her a hero but still able to have her anger infantilized and made the butt of a joke, she now has desolation fire powers because women always get relegated to mental abilities unless they're an NLOG or a hot villain lady. As Melanie will be seen as a "raging feminist" trope, but not an NLOG, she's also going to get powers of destruction to illustrate that "feminism has come too far" as well as so the men can be like, "Jeez, sweetheart, don't get so heated," *canned laughtrack*

2. Jo(H)n is an avatar of the hunt. In het media the eye would be too wimpy, it's the nerd that gets shoved in the lockers by the other entities. And since protagonists in these sort of bad media need to be mega jocks, what's the most jock entity? The flesh, but here the flesh becomes a ham-fisted allegory for fat people, so the next most jock while still maintaining the pretense of investigative work, is the hunt. Also when Elias says that they're all bound to the eye now, JoHn is the one to find the solution but only has to gouge out one eye to sever his connection so that he gets to wear a badass eye patch like solid snake. 

3. Martin is an avatar of the flesh. As I said before, the flesh is now a hamfisted allegory for fat people, so obviously that's the only entity they can be associated with because that's the only personality trait fat characters can have in het media. However, I could also see the corruption in this hell form TMA takes as Jane Prentiss and him enter a very unhealthy relationship that's played like George Costanza's engagement in Seinfeld only ending when Prentiss is struck down by JoHn because he has to do all the cool things, he's the protagonist. So probably he'd start with connections to the corruption but end up an avatar of the flesh.

4. After the Unknowing Tim comes back as an avatar of the stranger. Does this conflict with literally everything his character has established with him becoming aligned with the entity that killed his brother and Sasha? Yes. Does character integrity matter in het media? No. So he comes back slinging quips and one-liners because in het media the stranger would be portrayed as a cross between the web and the spiral. Plus Tim, as the token gay rep, would use the stranger's shapeshifting abilities to be a predatory (tm) gay until they confront him on it and it turns out that this is just how his powers are manifesting and then they say that it's making him a monster and kill him again, this time for permanent. It's bury your gays, but worse.

5. Daisy is an avatar of the lonely. Because in het media, the reason she'd be so aggressive would be tied into her being deeply lonely and unable to find a man to love her. This is the only character depth she gets for the entirety of this series. But, then, after Prentiss is killed, her and Martin end up together, because they are both deeply lonely and unlovable by conventional standards. And through a man's love, she is able to control her avatar powers, conquer her fear, and feel fulfilled. It's awful.

6. Basira is an avatar of the eye. Being smart is her only personality trait and no, we are just gonna ignore the Eye's ties to a surveillance state, we will not discuss those implications at Moldy Pencil. She is relegated to a background character whose only trait is being smart but not smarter than JoHn and most of the villains, because that would imply a female character is essential and can't be arbitrarily killed off. Anyways, her family is a bad racist terrorist trope and are a part of a cult dedicated to the slaughter that is bad in both idea and execution. That's the only story she gets and in the end she realizes that her family is bad and takes off her hijab as a symbol of cutting ties with them. It's awful, moving on.

7. Georgie is a buried avatar. First off, she's a main love interest, so her power's can't be gross, that crosses off the corruption. Second off, the reasoning is because she feels buried under Melanie's fame and feels like she can't get out from her shadow, like she's drowning in it, she's given depth, because, again, main love interest for JoHn and also it relates to hating another woman so it's fine in het media. Anyways, much like how Daisy gets fixed by falling in love with Martin, Georgie is fixed by falling in love with and having a kid with JoHn.

8. Sasha. Okay so she gets fridged by becoming Not!Sasha, but she's actually not dead. She's trapped in the table. When the table is destroyed, it doesn't free notthem, it does destroy it and frees the people who were replaced. During her imprisonment in the table realm, Sasha became a web avatar! And now she's got a sexy spider theme to her and she becomes a bit of a femme fatale. Having been an NLOG prior to being tabled, Sasha is allowed to be physically powerful but, no woman is allowed to be sexually liberated. Her and JoHn fuck repeatedly until he realizes that she's manipulating him from his pure Christian path, it is then that it's revealed that JoHn is not only going to be an avatar for the hunt, but HE is going to be the extinction. JoHn denies this vehemently and starts to avoid Sasha.

As the season five opens JoHn realizes Sasha was right, he is the extinction. So he heroically has avatars of all of the entities come together to kill him in order to prevent that from happening, (the guy from the squirm episode is the new main corruption avatar after Prentiss died). He is killed, but then resurrected but not as an avatar of the extinction, no, the extinction's been killed from him so he's fine now. However, on the closing shot to the season five it zooms in to Georgie's stomach, implying that the kid she's carrying is going to be the extinction because they were conceived when JoHn was going to be the extinction, meaning that it will live on in the kid.

tl;dr: JoHn is a hunt avatar but is also supposed to be the extinction; Martin is now a flesh avatar with corruption ties; Tim becomes a stranger avatar; Melanie becomes a desolation avatar; Daisy becomes a lonely avatar; Basira becomes an eye avatar; Georgie is a buried avatar; and Sasha didn't die and became a web avatar; also JoHn and Georgie's unborn kid is the extinction!

Holy shit this was awful to write and I'm sorry you have to look at this. This just started with me thinking "Straight!JoHn wouldn't be an avatar of the Eye, he'd be an avatar of the Hunt" and then it spiraled from there. Sorry for how long and painful it is.