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thebibliomancer · 8 months

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Essential Avengers: West Coast Avenger #41: When Ghosts Can Die, Even Gods Must Fear!

February, 1989

Mockingird: "Go away! Haven't you tortured me enough, PHANTOM RIDER?"

Why did West Coast Avengers suddenly decide to have awesome covers?

Ghostly heads? Pentagram? Cover dialogue? This has it all!

This issue is to tie off some loose ends before John Byrne takes over so lets get to it!

Last times on West Coast Avengers: Mockingbird committed some cowboy manslaughter in the past times. Fully justified because it was a sex crime cowboy but when her cowboy manslaughter was revealed by the ghost of the cowboy, it kinda torpedo'd her marriage. Mockingbird and Hawkeye got into a massive argument masquerading as a debate on whether its okay for superheroes to do a manslaughter. And when the dust settled, the two were pre-divorced and Mockingbird took half the team with her, Tigra and Moon Knight.

Hawkeye's side of the team doesn't matter for this issue. But its Hawkeye, Wonder Man, Vision, and Scarlet Witch. Last time they fought a quirky miniboss squad.

This time, the narration is right. It really does seem like someone slapped some Thor inside a West Coast Avengers cover.

There's an invasion of Asgard by Seth, Egyptian god of being a dick, and his army of snakey boys. Leir of the Tuatha de Danaan/the Celtic gods is here helping the Asgardians because the line must be drawn heeeyah. This far, no further.

This stuff isn't really relevant but its not not relevant.

What is relevant is that Mockingbird's Notvengers have gone to the University of Nevada.

Remember that time Mockingbird assaulted and nearly killed Dr. Hamilton Slade, believing him to have something to do with his ancestor's ghost jackassery?

Well, the Notvengers are trying the novel idea of just asking him for help without kicking the shit out of him. And also, they've brought Daimon Hellstrom as a supernatural consultant. But no Patsy Walker though.

Suddenly, this is a bad issue.

Also, plotter and editor-in-chief Tom DeFalco has a cameo of himself in this book.

I like to point out creative team cameos.

Look at that DeFalco, playing some frisbee and being mocked by a friend. Interesting choice for a cameo, I tell ya what.

Anyway, Dr. Hamilton Slade says he has no idea what all this Phantom Rider stuff is about. Sure, his ancestor Lincoln Slade was a Wild West vigilante but what does that have to do with him?

Mockingbird decides to recap her entire experience with Phantom Rider in the past times. How he kidnapped her and drugged her into being his girlfriend. How she came to her senses and fought him at the edge of a cliff and didn't save him when he wound up hanging from the cliff.

Cowboy manslaughter!

Mockingbird: "I watched him fall -- and I was glad. You'd have to be a woman to understand how such violation can traumatize you -- drive you to extreme. And, of course, I was once a secret agent. We're taught to live with death."

But Phantom Rider has no appreciation for what should have been the cathartic end of the story. He came back as a ghost to torment Mockingbird and leaked a biased version of the story to Hawkeye to ruin Mockingbird's marriage.

Granted, Hawkeye and Mockingbird being too stubborn not to yell at each other about it sealed the deal.

Hamilton Slade says he kinda understands why she beat the shit out of him now. He'll do what he can, although he still doesn't know what he can do.

THE ANSWER TO THAT IS SATANISM.

Hellstrom draws a big ol' pentagram on the floor and tridents the ghost out of Hamilton.

Oh, ghost(s) actually.

Handily distinguished. Cape Phantom Rider is ye original Phantom Rider, Carter Slade. Lincoln's older brother. No cape Phantom Rider is Lincoln, the Phantom Rider that's been tormenting Mockingbird.

-slaps Hamilton-

This bad boy can hold so many ghosts.

Cape Phantom yells that Lincoln was always a bad egg. He abandoned his own wife and child to go off and be Phantom Rider when Carter died.

And dammit, Carter told him not to go and be Phantom Rider! It's not a legacy title, shitheel!

After watching some cowboy ghosts lasso each other for a while, Daimon Hellstrom decides that what this situation really needs is to be complicated.

He tridents Moon Knight and Khonshu points out.

Turns out that the occult expert recognizes a possession when he sees it. Even if its divine possession.

But with a god on the board, surely we'll get this ghost cowboy situation cleared up in no time.

Except... remember that thing with Seth and his demonic invasion of Asgard?

Yeah. That didn't open the issue for nothing. We're complicating the resolution of the haunted Mockingbird subplot by adding in a completely different plot.

Seth is an Egyptian god and whoops so is Khonshu. When Khonshu pings the ethereal scanners that Seth's demons are using, Seth's general orders a strikeforce to attack Khonshu before he can join the fight against Seth.

Despite the fact that Khonshu has shown zero knowledge or interest in Seth's plans.

Womp womp.

So back at the pentagram, Khonshu orders the ghost cowboys to stop fucking fighting each other and settle down.

Then because of Hellstrom's prompting, he decides to explain to Moon Knight why he's been possessing him.

Khonshu: "Marc Spector, I have left your body which I have inhabited for several months. As the giver of vengeance, I desired to experience this team called Avengers, and in what more fitting fashion -- than as you. I made you believe it was your destiny to become an Avenger. And so as to arouse no suspicion -- I took control of you by degrees. Slowly, like the waxing moon, I imposed myself upon your essense... and the god became man. But my need for this experience is over and so I withdraw my imprint from you completely. Now arise, Fist of Khonshu. Once again you are but flesh and blood in my service."

So, basically, Khonshu wanted to hang out with the Avengers and took over Marc's body to do it.

Rude.

Also rude: Seth's demons teleport in and start fighting everything.

Tigra: "Does anybody get a break around here?"

Moon Knight gets the worst in the ambush.

He was already dealing with suddenly being back in the drivers seat when suddenly a bunch of demons show up and start punching him and knocking him down the stairs. And the strength of these silly snake demons and maybe tumbling down the stairs breaks Moon Knight's weapons and his bracelets.

Moon Knight: "My weapons being lost -- and shattered! What type of enemies are we facing?"

Hellstrom handles the ambush better. These are demons, he fights demons. He blasts the group accosting him away with BALEFUL SOULFIRE!

Khonshu does not do as well.

Seth's demons were expecting to fight a Khonshu and they were ready to fight a Khonshu.

They incapacitate him with a surprise blast of the "etheromic phase-out cannon."

And the demons definitely didn't reckon on Tigra who goes catserker on them.

They really weren't ready for The Tigra.

Meanwhile, ghost fight.

Phantom Rider punches Phantom Rider through the wall of the building and outside where some college students are chilling.

They, of course, get a frighten and run off.

Other students seeing the ghost fight just assume its holograms from those darn computer graphics majors again.

Bad Phantom Rider clarifies for the audience that ghost guns can hurt ghosts. And then he shoots his brother, the Phantom Rider with the cape.

Good Phantom Rider also clarifies that Lincoln Slade was never supposed to be Phantom Rider.

Carter was chosen based on fate and destiny and spirits and whatever. Lincoln wasn't.

Good Phantom Rider: "My life was saved for a reason -- a purpose! I was destined to be a creature of the night... bringer of swift justice to the lawless! I knew I had been saved for a reason and Flaming Star claimed I was to be the champion his sky-spirits had promised him! But the Phantom Rider identity is not meant to be passed to one who isn't worthy! It's a special gift -- and you never measured up inside, Lincoln! Never!"

Lincoln, the bad Phantom Rider, insists that not only did he deserve to be Phantom Rider, he was better at it than Carter ever was! So, nyeh!

Good Phantom Rider claims that because the fates/spirits didn't intend Lincoln to become Phantom Rider, they probably maybe drove him mad! Yup, possibly, the spirits are responsible for Lincoln obsessing over Mockingbird and kidnapping her. You're maybe dicks, the spirits.

Back at the Seth subplot, Tigra is still going ham on Seth's demons. Just really tearing into them.

Mockingbird realizes that her cat friend is in a real berserk state and that anything that moves might be in for a mauling.

Nevertheless, Mockingbird jumps Tigra from behind and restrains her, saying that Avengers don't murder!

Okay, but what about manslaughter?

Because this feels like its supposed to be the conclusion to Mockingbird's arc? She sees a bunch of superhero murder going on and decides 'wow I don't like that, maybe I was in the wrong'?

Except: different situations. Apples and oranges.

Back at ghost fight, Bad Capeless Lincoln Phantom Rider says he doesn't care about Caped Carter claiming that the spirits drove him mad. He just wants to endlessly torment Mockingbird in revenge for her letting him fall off a cliff.

Nothing saner than that!

Anyway, ghost fight ends with Carter giving Lincoln a real walloping. Because he's fighting to protect Hamilton, who both the ghosts were living in rent free.

Back at the demon fight, Moon Knight has decided it doesn't matter whether he's going mad or not. Doesn't matter who these chumps are or what they want. Because he's very pissed off now and he's going to do violence until he stops being so pissed off.

And Moon Knight jumps into a pile of demons, bringing one of his last weapons over someone's head.

Elsewhere in the demon fight, Hamilton Slade is hiding under a desk wondering if he's going mad.

This day has been nuts for him. Superheroes claiming he was harboring a murder ghost. An Egyptian god popping out of another dude. Extradimensional invasion of demons. Ghost fights!

So when Carter shows back up with an unconscious?? Lincoln and tells Hamilton that he's the chose one of this generation, Hamilton just goes you know what fine.

And he becomes the new Phantom Rider. Possessed by a dead Phantom Rider. But the good one.

BECAUSE WHY NOT.

Does the present need a cowboy with ghost powers to fight crime? Either way, its got one now!

All-New, All-Different Phantom Rider shoots his ghost guns at the Etheric Stasis Generator, freeing Khonshu. Who takes the good measure of destroying the generator so they can't get him again.

Moon Knight gets grappled by the pile of demons he jumped into but he's able to kick himself loose. But loses his fancy belt in the process.

They're really destroying this man's collection of ancient egyptian artifacts.

Also, Hellstrom has been kicking demon ass off-panel this whole time. So between Tigra slashing her way through a small pile of demons, Moon Knight kicking his way out of another pile, Khonshu breaking free, and Hellstrom blasting demons with hellfire this whole time... the general decides 'actually? fuck this' and orders a retreat.

Moon Knight gets to throw a straggler through the portal himself and tells him to tell Seth that "one of those who defeated you was Moon Knight -- the Fist of Khonshu!"

Khonshu appears before Moon Knight and tells him that it's been fun possessing him but he's got to get back to his god responsibilities.

Moon Knight tells his god that he has no idea who his real self is anymore or what he should be doing.

Khonshu tells him to continue to avenge in his name but Khonshu won't be possessing him anymore.

He possessed Moon Knight because he was curious to experience mortal sensations but now he's gotta go punch Seth a lot. He feels somewhat responsible since they're from the same pantheon.

Khonshu: "Perhaps I will not survive the coming conflict. But though I perish -- let the mortal fist outlive the immortal deity. Strike in my name, disciple. Now and forever... strike in my name. Farewell."

And Khonshu fucks off.

Tigra flirts with Moon Knight but he rebuffs her.

Implying, I suppose, their relationship was because Khonshu wanted a catgirl girlfriend.

Valid.

Later on, like this year, Tigra and Moon Knight do have a good relationship. I think they're dating again. Both have grown up a lot since West Coast Avengers.

Hellstrom decides that he should ghostbust both of the Phantom Rider ghosts, just in case. Mockingbird echoes the sentiment because she dislikes all ghost cowboys now.

Cape Carter Phantom Rider agrees to be banished if it banishes his evil, bad fuckup brother Lincoln too. Carter will guard Lincoln for eternity to make sure he never threatens the world with his madness.

Hamilton disagrees though. And he commands Carter to possess him at the last second.

Bad Lincoln gets banished, Carter is safely hidden inside Hamilton.

Hellstrom asks Hamilton if he's going to be okay with hosting a ghost.

Hamilton Slade: "In my mind I can see -- I can feel the glorious future to come! It shall be as it was over one hundred years ago... A caped champion in white astride the great stallion Banshee -- a champion whose blazing guns will see that decent folk rest safe and secure! Rider and horse united in the never-ending pursuit of law and order and the frontier justice that is the legacy of -- THE PHANTOM RIDER!"

So, yeah, like I said. A new, new modern Phantom Rider.

Hellstrom says, well, fine, but he's still going to keep Hamilton on notice for ghost crimes.

Which Phantom Hamilton Rider is fine with.

As the Notvengers leave the university, Tigra asks Moon Knight what's wrong. The two of them have a rapport, he can confide in her.

But what he has to say, he says to the whole group.

He's quitting.

Joining the Avengers was Khonshu's idea and since Khonshu fucked off, Moon Knight is fucking quitting.

Technically, he already quit when he sided with Mockingbird. But semantics.

Also, Moon Knight is implicitly dumping Tigra in doing this.

Tigra suggests that she and Mockingbird go back and rejoin the West Coast Avengers.

Given what note things ended on, I don't know why she thinks it'd be so easy. It definitely feels like there were hurt feelings and bruised pride that has to be navigated.

But either way, Mockingbird rejects the suggestion. She has too much shit to sort out and she can't face Hawkeye.

She's probably definitely not begging him to take her back.

So Mockingbird and Moon Knight sadly walk off in different directions. NOTVENGERS NO MORE!

Tigra cries because this is super-poignant, we swear.

But also because she hitched her wagon to Mockingbird's cause and like the East Coast Avengers team pre-Inferno, the team just dusted away due to indifference.

The Notvengers won the day, fought off some demons, were around when someone else stopped the evil ghost haunting Mockingbird.

But it doesn't feel like a win.

Hellstrom tells her life goes on and Avengers endure. Maybe go rejoin the Avengers, he seems to be suggesting.

Because she seemingly does in the next issue.

And I'm finally at the Byrne run. Lamentations.

Follow @essential-avengers because I'm not an evil ghost possessing an archaeologist. I'm very material. Like, reblog, and comment maybe?

#avengers #essential avengers #west coast avengers #Notvengers #Phantom Rider #Seth or Set #his demons of death #mockingbird #tigra #moon knight #khonshu #a different phantom rider #a third phantom rider somehow #tom defalco #yes thats right tom defalco is in the cast list #awkward tie in to thor events #thorvents

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thebibliomancer · 1 year

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Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #25: The Greatest Show on Earth!

October, 1987

Hmm. I dunno. I don’t think that anything with the Abomination is the greatest show.

-thinks about She-Hulk: Attorney at Law-

Still can be good though!

Let’s see how this presumably Simon Williams, Wonder Man focus issue goes!

The West Coast Avengers have been up to a lot lately. Here’s the rundown vis a vis Simon Williams specifically. His movie career is doing okay! In that he has a movie career! He’s playing the villain in an Arkon film which is the Marvel equivalent of Conan because they don’t always have the rights to Conan. Fun fact: Arkon is a real man from an alternate dimension that the Avengers had to stop from destroying the world. And now Hollywood makes movies about him.

Wonder Man also dealt with his fear of death by confessing his embezzlement wrongdoing to the world. Without his fear of death holding him back, he’s been a very confident guy. Confident enough to wear a new green and red costume which looked terrible.

The West Coast Avengers also wound up lost in space-time for so many issues. The main takeaway is that Simon’s new confidence led him to bad mouth the original Avengers right in front of Iron Man, rankle at taking orders, and just generally be a gigantic asshole in a bad costume.

Simon started feeling that maybe he’d outgrown the West Coast Avengers.

Also, one of his entourage showed up when he got back from lost in time and told him that his costume sucked. Which it did. So bad. Now he’s in a nice red and black outfit.

Although it debuted in the West Coast Avengers/Avengers Annual crossover story. Wherein despite Wonder Man’s newfound confidence, he got his ass kicked by Thor and Hyperion. Hyperion threw him into a star! He died!

So let’s see how he’s doing:

Well, he’s beating people up and being narrated doing it. On top of his spiffy new costume, I think his hair is starting to look pre-mullet.

Let’s call it overall a good place.

The peeps he’s beating up are actually stunt men.

No, he hasn’t gone all Hollywood and is beating up movie crew because he doesn’t control his outbursts.

This is promotion to promote the new Arkon IV: The Goblin Pit movie Simon is acting in with Arnold Schwarzburger. You read that right.

And because he showed off his new costume, nobody is even talking about the Christmas tree costume, as Dino the producer dubs it.

The new costume is more multi-functional than the Christmas tree, too. Although that mostly means that he can put a jacket with “dynasty shoulders” on over it for formal occasions and interviews.

As Simon, his girlfriend?, and producer take their seats for the premiere, there’s some exposition about how worried everyone was when Simon disappeared (into the past) and then when he went to Houston for a baseball game.

This is important exposition because it helped me place the annuals in the posting order.

The movie premiere starts.

Its not important to the plot to see the opening scene but c’mon. They dressed Simon in a little devil costume and glued a face mustache and beard to his face. The eyes look good though because they’re his real eyes.

The important part of the premiere scene for the plot is Simon thinking that he’s getting mass approval as a movie star in a way that the West Coast Avengers just can’t understand, doing stuff for altruism reasons they do!

Meanwhile, back at the West Coast Avengers Compound, Mockingbird and Hawkeye are enjoying a bubble bath together.

I think that’s their couple activity. They did a bath together at the end of the Hawkeye miniseries too. That tub was heart-shaped though.

And they deserve a nice bath, all that they’ve been through lately!

Mockingbird: “Man, am I exhausted! I could hole up here for a week!”

Hawkeye: “You said it ‘Bird! Gettin’ lost in time was bad enough, but dyin’ was even worse!”

Such a superhero thing to be able to say that sentence.

Hawkeye finds a chance to brag about how his team beat the East Coast Avengers in the death tournament. Never mind that it was part of an evil scheme to let the Grandmaster steal Death’s power. The important thing is that he sure proved that the West Coast Avengers could hold their own against a team with Captain America and Thor. Although those specific guys beat their opponents with embarrassing ease.

Bubblebath Hawkeye also swings the topic over to what Mockingbird went through when she was trapped in cowboy times and he wants to know whether Phantom Rider did anything to her beyond all the drugging.

Mockingbird lies that Phantom Rider never touched her. Because she doesn’t want Hawkeye to have to live with the knowledge. And also because she doesn’t want anyone to find out she manslaughtered Phantom Rider. And I guess once you start pulling threads, it may come out.

Anyway, the married couple gets frisky in the bath.

But what’s Tony Stark, Iron Man up to at the meanwhile?

Being the bigger man.

Iron Man: “This strongman competition between Iron Man and Wonder Man has got to stop! It’s no good for the team! I’m the senior member, so I’ll take the first steps toward --”

But he finds Simon isn’t in his bungalow and weakening his bigger man plan, he uncharitably decides Simon is doing something with his “blasted movie career”!

So you don’t even know his movie is premiering? So Simon didn’t even invite any of his teammates to the premiere?

Wow.

Wow wow wow.

I was gonna say, you gotta respect his movie career, even if you don’t think a superhero should be doing it. It’s clearly important to him. But Simon is kind of being a dick too.

After the movie premiere, there’s good news as Arkon IV: The Goblin Pit is a big hit with the audience! Everyone wants to shake Simon’s hand and Menachim tells Simon he’d be a shoo-in for Best Supporting Actor if the academy respected fantasy films. Producer Dino tells him hey no problem, they’re all going to make so much money off of Simon’s movie career, Dino will just buy him a little award statuette.

Simon tells him not necessary. The love and adoration of the public is all the aware he needs.

Dino decides strike while the iron is hot and tells Simon about the next movie he’s got lined up.

Dino: “You gonna play-a de opponent from outta space in Rocky V -- you an’a Stallone-a gonna fight it out onna de space shuttle!”

I’m pretty sure I’ve heard a similar joke about how the Rocky franchise would eventually go IN SPACE. Guess its just an easy thing to crack wise about.

Wonder Man: “Gosh, Dino -- I really appreciate it -- but I don’t think that’ll do! You see, I’m a hero in real life, so I won’t be doing any more villains! Could hurt my image!”

Dino is taken aback because when he hired Simon, Simon was willing to do any role just to prove himself. But Simon says times change. He’s proven himself and now he wants a three picture Flash Gordon deal. He says he’ll have his agent contact Dino.

Wow. One movie and he’s already a prima donna.

Dino doesn’t seem that upset though. He just says Simon Williams is gonna go places.

Meanwhile, back at West Coast Avengers Compound, Moon Knight gazing moodily at the Moon through a window.

This is kind of an issue for unwinding after everything that happened.

Pretty sure that joining the West Coast Avengers is inevitable (I mean, he did literally die for them) Moon Knight contemplates that its not too much to imagine that one day he might even fly to the Moon.

Well, the Avengers do go to space sometimes.

But Moon Knight doesn’t want to go to the Moon because it’d be a letdown to know Khonshu as a god and then go to the Moon and see its just dust and craters.

Weird man, Marc Spector. Weird man with odd trains of thought.

Moon Knight’s pilot friend Frenchy shows up for a meeting and Moon Knight lowers the defenses so he can hover the Moon-Chopper over the Compound without the defenses shooting it down.

And basically Moon Knight is breaking up with Frenchy. Basically.

If he’s going to work with the Avengers, the Avengers don’t need another pilot. And its not stated but they probably wouldn’t hire a mercenary like Frenchy just on Moon Knight’s say so. So he wants to basically cut Frenchy loose so he’s not wasting his time hanging around waiting for Marc to call him.

Frenchy is cool with this and saw it coming. As his closest friend, he’s seen that Marc has been at loose ends since love interest Marlene left. And this Avengers thing seems like its the direction he needs right now.

Cool guy, Frenchy.

SCENE TRANSITION BACK TO WONDER MAN

In a limo, his girlfriend? Chris is asking why he bothers staying with the Avengers.

Wonder Man: “You know, Chris, I’ve been wondering that myself! I’m really glad of the break they gave me when I was just starting out, but, it’s kind of like with Dino -- ! I’m world-class now, in both heroism and stardom! I’ve moved to a different league!”

Chris: “Stars do move in a different world from everyone else... but the West Coast Avengers is still a good commercial tie-in for you! I’d ask for a bigger percentage of the merchandising before you decide to cut it off altogether!”

... She... really doesn’t get how superheroes work, does she?

Wonder Man: There’s no merchandising -- not for us, anyway! All the revenues from the Marvel comic and the toys go to charity!”

Chris: “What? Then what’s your net, and how many points is that?”

Wonder Man: “No points -- we all get the same cut! We each get a stipend of $1000 a week!”

Chris: “One G a week? You can get two G’s a day out of Dino after tonight!”

Wonder Man: “Sure, if I could guarantee I’d be on the set whenever he needed me!”

Chris: “Well...?”

Wonder Man: “Well... Let’s see how the Carson Show goes, before I answer that! But the way these crowds are gathering for me tonight, I think I already know the answer...!”

Meanwhile, BACK AT THE COMPOUND again, Hank Pym walks into his lab and whaddayaknow La Espirita is here!

I’d wondered what happened to her after she was left with the Collector!

Apparently, she appeared in Silver Surfer’s solo

Silver Surfer bust into the Collector’s ship to question him about the Elders’ various plots and discovered La Espirita was just hanging around so he agreed to take her back to Earth.

Dropped her off in Albuquerque, in fact.

La Espirita took care of some things and then swung by Los Angeles to check on the West Coast Avengers.

Hank asks her why she didn’t join the team in death when they all drank poison (and I’m still shaking my head at that being a plot point) but she tells him, yeah, she drank poison like all the cool kids but didn’t die of it.

Dr Pym: “What? But even Wonder Man died!”

La Espirita: “I know! There’s something very strange about me, Hank -- I don’t understand it myself -- but since my vision of Carlotta turned out to be crucial to returning the Avengers from the past, I know God has much to teach me still! I plan to enter the wilderness to seek a better understanding!”

Hank decides this is as good a time as any to dump her.

Classy as ever, Hank.

Dr Pym: “Bonita, I can never repay you for what you did for me -- you not only saved my life, but you helped me rebuild it -- I love you for that -- but I’ve come to see -- I don’t love you...!”

La Espirita: “I know that!”

She’s taking this well.

But, she has her own reservations about the relationship. Annnnd, y’know, I’ve never been too sure what exactly she saw in him anyway? And this following conversation implies maybe she was casually trying to convert him?

She asks him, knowing the answer, whether he believes in god.

Hank hems and haws but has to admit that he doesn’t. And La Espirita admits that an atheist isn’t a good match for her so she kind of expected she’d be going on her wilderness quest alone.

Oh my god, its the completely mutual dump! As spoken in legends!

Hank feels bad though and tries to say he’ll still go with her but she tells him his place is with the Avengers “the team you founded and have just found again!”

Good wordplay, La Espirita.

And her place is not with the Avengers. Aww. Dangit.

I mean. Moon Knight is fine. But I was hoping Bonita would stick around.

She gives Hank a kiss and strolls out of the book.

AT LEAST SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE FIRST, GEEZ.

Okay, back at the Wonder Man side of the plot.

Wonder Man appears on the Carson Show, very pleased with the applause he’s receiving.

Chris: “I knew it would be like this, Simon! The moment I thought of casting you in Arkon, I knew you just needed the one break to break through! Stallone was nobody before Rocky, but then it was straight to the top!”

And Simon promises to take her for a night on the town to remember as soon as he finishes the taping.

A journalist asks Wonder Man if he has some big bombshell news, since last time he appeared on the show, he announced his criminal past.

But before Wonder Man can say anything Abomination shoves his way onto the set.

Oh, I’m sorry.

That’s not Abomination.

It’s Tyrannus’ mind trapped in Abomination’s body.

Comics are weird.

For example: minor recurring Hulk villain guy Tyrannus? Who is Yet Another Underground Jerk like Mole Man? Yeah, Tyrannus is actually Romulus Augustulus. If you’re moderately interested in Roman history, you may recognize that as the name of the Last Western Roman Emperor.

YEAH. He’s that guy.

A child emperor that Goth general Odoacer just sort of shooed out of the room when his father Orestes refused payment to the German mercenary armies in Italy.

In history, Romulus Augustulus was given a pension to live on for being such a nice young lad and sent into exile. History is scarce but he probably didn’t cause any further trouble.

IN MARVEL, he was right pissed about the loss of his (pretty illegitimate) throne and became the servant of Pluto (who is a dick in Marvel) who sent him to destroy Merlin. He was stopped by the first Black Knight. And there’s something fitting about Marvel’s Original Character for Arthurian Lore beating up the Last Western Roman Emperor. Anyway, Merlin banished Tyrannus inside the Earth. Where he found the Fountain of Youth.

TRULY BONKERS.

Anyway, this dumb shit for some reason decided to body swap into Abomination and then went ugh this body is way too ugly. But he was stuck with it.

That’s not a tangent. That is literally his motivation for this issue.

Romulus Abomination: “This is your night to shine, manly one! Your night to strut the stage before the world! But I bestrode he world fifteen centuries ago -- and had I not fallen to Merlin, cursed be his name, I would rule it all today! But I did fall to Merlin, and I have recently fallen to the Hulk to be trapped in this grotesque pile of emerald protoplasm -- a body truly called Abomination... and if I cannot rule in glory, then neither will you!”

This is a truly stupid motivation.

Does he attack all movie stars or is Simon just lucky?

Wonder Simon tells everyone to back up to give him room to fight and for Chris to go home so she won’t be in danger.

She’s worried for Simon because Abomination goes toe-to-toe with the Hulk but Wonder Man isn’t impressed.

Gotta say. Makes for hilarious comedic timing.

Romulus Abomination: “You are unimpressed with me, are you? You will be impressed -- and it will be your final impression!”

Simon punches Abomination away and belt jets away for some space and so he can build up ramming speed.

But Abomination tackles him out of the air, shatters his belt jets, and hurtles him into another studio.

David Letterman’s studio, precisely.

So this is another time that Wonder Man appeared on David Letterman’s Late Night show.

That David Letterman wit.

All this getting his ass kicked has blackened one of Wonder Man’s eyes, something Abomination takes note of.

Romulus Abomination: “So -- the man of wonders is not invulnerable!”

Wonder Man: “Wonder Man is still a man, if that’s what you mean -- but the difference between me and invulnerable is too small for you to notice!”

Good line! I mean, you need to stop getting your ass kicked to sell it but good line!

Wonder Man punches Abomination off of him, even manages to stagger him for a moment. But that old self-doubt is boiling up. Abomination gives Hulk a hard time, Hulk gives Wonder Man a hard time. The math don’t look great for him.

And and and, he thought he couldn’t die but the Collector’s poison killed him. He thought he’d gotten strong enough that he could beat Thor but Mjolnir gave Thor an edge. So what if Wonder Man is wrong about being able to beat Abomination?

What if Abomination kills him?

Fear is the mind-killer!

He’s gotten really good at avoiding spiraling into doubt.

Wonder Man announces that a tan will really help Abomination’s self-image problem. And then wraps a stage light around him.

Zing!

Abomination flexes loose from the light but gets electrocuted by the now damaged wire. JUST AS WONDER MAN PLANNED!

With Abomination stunned, Wonder Man is free to go ham on him. VERY HAM!

Except nobody cares.

The camera crew didn’t bother filming any of it, figuring it was just another engineered fight Simon arranged to hype up his movie.

Even when they’re told it was real, a real supervillain really showed up and really beat the shit out of him, nobody cares. They already got footage of him fighting at the engineered fight so... does it matter that nobody got this fight? Really, how many clips do you need, Simon?

And as a dejected Simon watches everyone take off, the gravest insult of all - an old man tells him that he likes the special effects of Jaws on the Universal tour better.

Oof ouch.

Meanwhile, back at the West Coast Avengers Compound, god damn, these two are still chillaxing.

Hawkeye and Mockingbird have moved on from the hot tub to the hot room and are in the sauna room that the compound apparently has.

Geez, I wonder if I can get hired as a West Coast Avenger. The only downside I can think of is that if I don’t quit in time, I’d have to be in Force Works.

ANYWAY, as Hawkeye is telling Mockingbird about all the wild days he had with the East Coast Avengers, but that he prefers leading his own team - problem child #1 walks into the sauna.

He excuses himself when he sees its in use but Hawkeye tells him yes this is definitely not awkward, why don’t you come in so we can discuss your future with the team.

Wonder Man: “And I can guess why -- but I’ll save you the trouble! I came to tell you, Clint, no matter how big I get in this town -- and it’s gonna be very big -- I learned tonight what’s real and what isn’t! An actor plays many parts, but I have one special part to play -- as a part of the West Coast Avengers!”

Aww! I didn’t know how Wonder Man’s ego trip ‘I’m too cool for this team’ thing was gonna end. I figured there’d be drama. Hawkeye or Iron Man would get in a shouting match with him.

Him realizing on his own that he could just be a superpowered celebrity, doing nothing but movies and fake fights, but that it would feel empty -- well, good on Simon for getting his head on straight without it requiring yelling.

And good on him for wanting to stick to the acting thing! It makes him pretty unique and I’d hate to see it get written out.

Next time, West Coast Avengers. Still one more issue before the dates are synced back up. But god damn it the Zodiac. I wouldn’t say I hate those guys but they’re boring.

That “What is Scorpio -- ?” is at least enough of a twist to get me interested though. What is Scorpio indeed.

Follow @essential-avengers because What is Scorpio? Maybe a curated bimonthly box of snacks? Like and reblog if you like snacks or unnecessary references.

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