#yknow. trying to be more healthy overall

[sunlightera]

did 35 minutes on the elliptical today (on level 2!) and made it a WHOLE MILE!! i thought it would take me longer to get to this point but! it just makes me really excited for what i can accomplish by the end of this year!

[cantdothis-nomore]

Beast Boy, Raven, Cyborg, Robin, Starfire with a reader who can't control their powers

Ok thank you so much for being my first ask ilysmmmmmmmmmm <3333. I decided to do these as headcannons as it wasn't really specified, so I hope that's ok but if you want I am willing to redo it <3

Beast Boy

-I imagine that beast boy would sometimes struggle with his own powers too, maybe when emotional so he'd relate to how you weren't able to control your own either.

-He'd be really sweet and loving and understanding towards you not being to control them and try and help you to understand them and control them better.

-If they hurt a citizen by accident and you threw that upon yourself as your own fault, I feel like he'd be the one to get you to take a break from crime fighting for a little while and help you train instead and support you on days when it gets really bad

-He'd probably not understand alot at first and underestimate it almost

-But after that he'd be right by your side ready to help at any point you feel it coming out of control again

-To me he'd be like the type of person to baby proof your room 💀

Raven

-Raven, to me, would be the type of person to understand straight away because of her having her own powers and obviously not knowing how to control them at first

-She'd help you work on them and improve your control but remove you from a fight if it was getting worse and there was possible harm about to be caused

-She wouldn't really know how to really comfort you if you got upset about it so she'd kinda just hold you and hope that made it better whilst whispering sweet little nothings into your ear to give some support and let you know she understands

-If you accidently hurt a citizen or a team member whilst using your powers and putting it upon yourself she'd go to amazing lengths to show you it wasn't your fault and assure you that youre doing amazing and that even though you may not be able to Control them now, that doesn't mean it can't change

Starfire

-Starfire would be the type of person to believe it was so cool that you could do whatever you wanted with your powers before you had to explain you couldn't control them

-After that she'd work hard to help you train to control them and help you learn more about them too and give you ideas on how to cope when things got really bad

-She'd collect you cool things and be like, 'Oh here! This could be calming for you!', after picking up little kits for you both to do to relax and to relax your stress levels to see if that did anything to help

-She'd overall be soooooo sweet and caring and willing to learn anything to help you cope and control your powers

-She'd be the type of person to force you to start drinking healthy smoothies and getting you to go to yoga classes claiming she read they'd help

-She'd have a constant sweet drawer stocked in her room for you to take from whenever you felt like it and like pre written notes for you to read when she was away and it started getting worse to make it feel like she was physically there

Cyborg

-He wouldn't really relate to not being able to control your powers just adjusting to having them yknow?

-He'd be shocked at first and then start researching and asking you questions about your powers to try and find a way to make then more manageable

-He'd let you train with him as much as you want as he's like 3/4 robot so it wouldn't hurt him

-If you hurt a teammate or civilian he would encourage you to take a break to work more on your powers and help you understand how you got them and try and find the reason they started

-He'd take you out on walks away from the city and help you calm down by having a picnic or watching the sunset

-he'd just be so sweet about it and have it in his best interest to make it better for you

Robin

-I think that Robin would understand like straight away what was wrong with you because of how many people with powers he's been around his entire life (nearly)

-He'd ask others about their powers to understand your situation better and do lots of research on what he can do

-He'd (try and fail to) make you food and after that didn't work he'd probably take you out into the city and find things to practise your powers on to give you better control over them

-When you're stressed or worried about your powers and not being able to control them he'd give you a hug and invite you to come and train with him and if you didn't want to do that he'd find a cute movie for you both to watch and get you to relax through take out and movie between you both <33

WOWWWWW MY FIRST REQUESTTT!!!

I AM SOO EXCJTED I HOPE YOU LIKE IT <333333

[getosugurusbangs]

you got any isaness hcs? 🎤🎤

HI OKAY this is gonna be less actual headcanons and more just… all of the thoughts i’ve had about them over the past few days

one of the first and main things that i’ve thought about them, is how they’re soo blood guts and cannibalism but are also just the cutest and sweetest couple you’ve ever seen. they just have the softest most tender love, but also the horrors persist.

also i’m ngl… the album the first action by the cabs is isaness to me. in my irrefutable and unquestionable opinion: gloom division by idkhow is kainess, and the first action by the cabs is isaness. it just makes sense to me.

but more on the note of headcanons lol:

i just KNOW that the way ness says isagi’s name is crazy. the sheer amount of emotion he could fit into just saying “yoichi”? unmatched.

i think ness has a fixation on isagi’s hands. hand size comparison? holding hands? kissing his hands? you name it, he does it.

i also think that isagi has a bit of a fixation on ness’ hair. loves to run his fingers through it, do little braids in it, plant his face into it while they’re cuddling, etc. (i can’t blame him, i bet it’s lovely)

i think that they were forced to hang out together for “team bonding”, and really didn’t enjoy it much at first. but the longer it went on and as they actually started to get closer, the harder they found it to hate each other so much.

i still don’t think that their relationship is the most stable (as much as i’d like to imagine them being happy and healthy), but it’s not like there’s the most unadulterated hatred for each other on both sides, yknow?

i really like the themes of escape and overall change in a potential relationship (romantic or platonic) with them. to me there’s definitely potential with them for a story of leaving unfulfilling relationships, abandoning people’s expectations and trying to embrace freedom and your own identity, despite how difficult and scary it may be. BUT. ALSO. i really like the idea of them forming a stronger bond with each other but that not being enough for them. where the cycle of violence continues despite their efforts.

anyways though. i actually sort of started shipping isaness as a joke. kinda.

it really did just start from me loving isagi and ness but not caring that much for kaiser so just… shipping them with each other instead LMAO

it went from “girl get away from kaiser 😭 go ride off into the sunset with each other and get outta here” to considering them intently to then just genuinely fucking with them as a pairing.. it’s how they get you…

but uhhh yeah i think that’s it for now? if you have any questions, comments, concerns, headcanons yourself that you’d like to share feel free to do so 👍

[constantineshots]

I'm kind of confused on John Constantine's characterisation. But, to be fair, I did come across him in the dp x dc crossovers, so...*shrug*

It's just that he ranges from the most pathetic, self-centered but also accidentally altruistic smoking asshole who couldn't care less if you burned alive to a soft-hearted tsundere who wants to help but lets nobody see that and tries to be an asshole to drive them away.

Also the thing about him backstabbing everyone he spends more than five minutes with, but still being on the JL's speed dial???? And everyone says he's an asshole who's more trouble than he's worth but they still turn to him for help?

If you have the time, could you please clear that up a bit? What is he like in the comics? The good ones I mean.

Thank you and have a nice day.

hello! sorry this took me a minute- had a lot to say. its a long post SORRY

buti think the simplest way to describe it is that in regards to the dc x dp crossover, they focus more on the dc universe's john constantine- which is the mainstream universe, with big shots like superman and batman and all of the things that make him, for the most part, seem like he's the best in magic and this man who is on, as you put it, the justice league's speed dial. he's the butt of most jokes, he never actually shows his bisexuality in a healthy manner because he's more likely to be joking about it than actually being in a relationship with a man (his usual love interest is zatanna, and ofc, bisexual people are allowed to date someone of the same gender, but what annoys me is that they are willing to joke about his bisexuality without showing him actually dating these men that he jokes about).

however, vertigo comics (which is dc's black label: comics like hellblazer (john's line), lucifer, the sandman, etc. reside because the topics they touch are for mature audiences- and not just because lucifer's naked 90% of his comic run) is where we get john constantine. in hellblazer, he starts off as a terrified man who's willing to do anything to survive- and, honestly, i'd say that's still the case throughout the series. he seems more real. more possible. more like someone i can connect to.

all the magic he's learned isn't this "inner power" that we see in characters like zatanna (love her, no shade to her) who was taught her magic by her father and has been around it her whole life, or characters like the enchantress. he picked up some books and started digging through them and learning to regain some semblance of control of his life because of his abusive family and just overall not being the most popular kid.

a lot of john's character stems from trauma- his family life, newcastle, most of his relationships with other people, the things he does in general, being in ravenscar, etc.

i said something a while back that i think still stands to this day- he's not a hero because he'll do anything to save his friends or himself, but overall, he comes first. to put it in perspective, there are times he knows things are dangerous, and yet he still asks for favors. also, this guy was dying of lung cancer (yknow. because he was smoking as much as he was) and he didn’t stop smoking, of course. no, he basically pulled this huge con on a bunch of higher people in hell and was like “well now if i die, a whole war starts” so they? made sure he would live. that’s the kind of shit john does. he’s a con artist.

while john doesn't like to sit on his feelings too long, he does care- he just doesn't like showing it. he shoves people away when they get too close, and when someone hurts him- for example, kit moving back to belfast and essentially breaking up with him because of the fact people attacked her to try and get to him, john was horrible. he was cruel. he called her cold, which he knew would hurt her. then, he went into an immediate depression and was homeless for,,, what, a year? because he blamed himself for so much shit and kit was just what made him keel over.

on top of that, john is pretty political. his whole character is- he talks about climate change, he talks about racism, he’s aware of his privilege, and in one of the more recent runs of hellblazer, he shows that too. shame that one wasn’t very long- would’ve liked more of it. however, his dc run doesn’t show any of that. it’s like they’re showing john but without getting into the gritty parts of him that make him him. it’s like they’re scratching the surface and won’t just take the metaphorical shovel and slam it into him. which sucks- i like the idea of him being around the other characters, somewhat, but i don’t want him to be the go to guy when it comes to dc comics’ magical people. he certainly isn’t that. they have those- they’ve got dr. fate and zatanna right on the league, why do they need john?

his character in vertigo is definitely not a hero, and dc wants him to be that. they want him to be the magic guy they have on speed dial. they want him to be the sexy guy with a cigarette in his mouth flirting with everyone in sight. they don’t want to delve into the darker territory because it’s going to scare people away, and the ones that are scared away probably shouldn’t be interacting with his character in the first place.

honestly, i’m probably missing a lot, but this is getting to be storybook length as it is, so sorry for my little tangent but i hope this helps!

[fivedollarbankrobbery]

Hcs for a Seb x Farmer x Sam polycule? If you can, masc/gn pronouns pls? 👉👈

Seb x m!reader x Sam Headcannons

a/n: i really love the dynamic of this trio, if you ever want more scenarios of them pls ask i would love to write more for them! if anyone ever wants me to do this with fem or gn reader let me know as well!

warnings: none

At first everybody around the village thought your trio was just a little friend group

Just dudes being dudes, yknow?

To be fair, that was all it was at first.

The three of you had been very close, always getting together to play videogames and practice music

After a while though, the two boys confronted you at Sam’s house one day during band practice

“So, we’ve been thinking…”

Honestly at first you thought they were going to kick you out of the band

“Look, I know I’m not the best drummer in the world but-“

It was Sam who broke out the idea, since Sebastian was too shy to get it out

They were both surprised when you quickly agreed

After that the three of you got even closer, going out for drinks a couple times a week and always hanging out

It was actually Abigail who found out about your relationship.

“Seb, where the hell did you put my- oh! Sorry for interrupting… whatever this is. Just, just let me know if you find my DS.”

The three of you had been cuddled up on Sebastian’s bed watching a movie, Sam even starting to fall asleep on Sebastian’s shoulder

You hadn’t been trying to hide the fact that you were dating, it just never really came up

Abigail left Sebastian’s house with so many questions.

On nights when you couldn’t hang out or sleep over at one of your houses, you’d all get on a discord video call and fall asleep together <3

Sebastian is normally the last one asleep, being the night owl he is

He loves falling asleep to the sound of his two boys gently snoring

Gaming nights on call is also a common occurrence

Imagine hopping on Apex and having to fight that trio. it wouldn’t go very well

Sam is the one who always want to go out and do something, often getting bored with just staying in

The three of you always make sure that nobody feels left out, allaying giving extra cuddles and kisses to whoever is feeling a little lonely

Overall it’s a very healthy relationship!

Bonus: Jodi and Robin will sneak cute photos of you guys when you aren’t paying attention

[nick-close]

This is another scary rant but it’s not about last episode, it’s more about how I wish her character arc was going and why I’m disappointed in how it went so far- but Yknow, prefacing it here so you know what it’s about. It’s not hate but more story stuff

I’m gonna preface this with the shocking fact that I actually do like scary. I’ve been going kinda hard on her but like I do like her, she’s just been behaving really rude towards her friends and family and I don’t think that’s a healthy friendship dynamic for any of them. But as a character she’s very fun- it’s the same thing I feel about Ron? Like. He’s fun, but he’s really shitty sometimes and its frustrating. Overall I don’t hate any dndads characters tho!!! I like em all.

I think one of the things that I’m really disappointed about with her character is the way that she’s reacting to her home life situation though. Of course I’m projecting as someone raised by a single mother, but I was SO looking forward to scary getting all ‘I love my mom- we have never needed anybody else growing up, we don’t need anybody now’ and the fact that she’s instead like. ‘My dad left but I bet he was awesome and I wanna find him’ felt like SUCH a missed opportunity. I could’ve connected to her so hard but I hate the choice that her angst is about her dad who’s never been there- rather than the change in what she HAS.

I think that’s also why I like Taylor way more? Like, he had the exact same thing but also you could see his love for his mom above everything else. Like he loves her more than his dad who’s never been there, Yknow? And for scary we could’ve gotten something really strong with the idea of a new step dad coming in to mess everything up. But I don’t actually know why she’s upset at Terry? Her anger and angst keeps coming from the fact her dad was gone and not the new person in her life, which undermines the angst she has imo. I guess it’s just a weird character choice for me- because it makes how she acts towards Terry feel less understandable

In a talking dads Beth said she’s basically ‘looking for trauma to justify her angst’, which makes a lot more sense with her character- but also confirms that she is just angsty to be mad about something? She even expresses she isn’t really happy about her changes- she wants to play soccer again, all that. And so it’s kind of like, she committed so hard to this reaction that isn’t benefiting anybody. I do understand like, maybe she only started thinking about her dad to TRY to justify her angst, because she’s really upset over the big changes- but I guess it just never feels brought up.

I’ve seen her compared to Fig Faeth- but the difference is Fig very intentionally acts out towards ADULTS. She isn’t acting out against her friends in the same way Scary does. It allows her to be nice to her party and create relationships without sacrificing the edge to her personality imo. That said I also think they’re pretty different characters- but I think that’s a good reference to look to.

Scary started off as a character we weren’t really supposed to like. One of the first things she does is compare herself to Anne Frank- that’s how she sets the tone. I guess it’s just that 25 episodes into the podcast I was hoping for more from her character than that. She is set up as an angsty teen who sucks- that’s intentional from Beth, and she does a great job. She’s cutting off other people intentionally, she’s making all of these choices intentionally- she didn’t come in to make a likeable character. She came in with this idea that will develop over time. But so far she hasn’t really gotten that to me- she’s still stayed the same.

I think the reason it’s more important for scary than the others is the basis of her character too! Like. Taylor and Link don’t need heavy development yet because they aren’t negatively impacting the others in the group from it. Normal is developing somewhat, but he’s always kind. The hard thing is playing with a character who’s mean, that can only go on for so long before that genuinely impacts the friendship between characters. It’s very hard for her to bond with the others because even when prompted and reached out to, the character is not accepting those chances.

Scary having her little solo arc I’m hoping will genuinely change her- because I think this needs to happen. She needs to see the consequences of being a jerk to her friends, she needs to see the impact her actions are having, and she needs to see more to Willy so she can trust her friends more. I’m really hoping that Scary actually will let go of those things though and not just double down the moment she gets the tragic backstory she’s looking for. Those are all my thoughts, kinda disconnected lol.

[frankenfossil]

for the space related asks, ⭐️ & 🛰?

whee!! thank you!

⭐️ Star - Do you have a favourite character? If so, why are they your favourite?

Oh no a very hard question actually... Probably the answer is evidently Emily and Dee since I spend more time thinking and writing about them than any of my other characters. POSSIBLY if I had to choose out of the two of them I'd pick Dee because I am kind of a sucker for a sad sack loser with emotional problems and I deeply enjoy thinking up situations to make him happy and/or traumatised. I also enjoy overthinking his powers and what kinds of things I have to tweak about physics for him to exist with the functions I've given him. (Such as recently I've thought of new objections to the plausibility of time travel but I think I've also thought of a way to resolve them storywise which I personally think is very funny, but if I learn more about physics before it comes up it might change.)

I love Zoe a lot but she is much harder to write and to draw for some reason? I feel like she is clear in my head but never comes out right somehow. It's weird.

I have other characters from other stories that I love too... another favourite who is unrelated to this story is a guardian angel whose first guardee died prior to the story beginning; clearly the angel fucked up a bit with that but gets a second chance, but then is pretty lousy with the second person too!! Trying to push them to fill the shoes of the first person.

Recently I found out that the person who inspired my first 'canon nonbinary' character (I didn't know that was a thing at the time tho) has since come out as for real nonbinary, which obviously makes a lot of sense lol. It was mostly about this one very cool jacket they owned. But that character was a strong fave for a long time... the story was terrible and really problematic lolol but ah well. Probably all the good parts of that character have gone into Dee and Zoe anyway.

I LOVE THEM ALL ;_;

🛰 Satellite - Do you have a character who is very dependent on another character? Is it healthy or unhealthy?

WELL. Again... Emily and Dee are each other's most emotionally intimate relatinship... Dee again is more dependant on Emily than vice versa, and less healthy about it, although I would say it's overall good for them both (but I would say the healthy/unhealthy balance varies over time and may be affected by external factors...).

Zoe is still on the periphery a bit but.............. well there are/will be some dynamics of questionable health there. She doesn't have particularly healthy attachments and is still not exactly over her previous friendship dynamic of being the second best friend of two besties who were shitty to her, and is still kind of stuck in the mode of 'trying to be exactly what the other person wants so they will like me'. Which Emily is not really aware of because she doesn't ever do that. Although the kinds of things Zoe plays up to try to be friends with her probably aren't as bad as what she has done to get OTHER people to like her, and she's relatively confident that Emily isn't going to use any of the stuff she knows against her.

Again, in terms of OTHER characters I have a couple where they are both disabled in various ways but one has more problems with mobility and communication than the other, and also had to be rescued from a kind of slavery by the other, which naturally gives the rescuer some pause for thought about the power dynamic there and whether she's ~taking advantage~ by falling in love with her at the same time (I mean by the time she even gets aware enough of her feelings lolol, gotta sort of pine without realising first!!)... but I'm trying to write that one as pretty healthy tbh, they're just trying to support each other through a difficult world yknow. And anyway the one who used to be a slave deliberately tried to square that debt immediately so it wouldn't be hanging over them both and is now mostly consumed with a quest for revenge lol. But also love.

I am going to.... stop rambling for now lol!!

[tea-and-tickles]

AHAHA thank you so much ari!! yes i will gladly expand on foster and apollo for you. rest assured i am constantly rotating them in my mind

yknow my gut reaction with foster is to say he's a loser but he really isn't? like he's honestly kind of a badass. he's mild-mannered and a little anxious but he is strong in his beliefs and he will stand up for what he believes in. in the storyline (that only exists in my head right now but i hope to change that) he advises the school GSA ok. and is a VERY staunch advocate for those students even at the risk of his job. sometimes he just needs a little bit of help keeping motivation when things feel hopeless. in his relationships foster is SUPER SUPER sweet and romantic. he's the kinda fella to drop by the tattoo shop on his lunch break and give apollo flowers. make them a nice dinner (even if 'nice dinner' constitutes frozen pizza lol). overall not only does he try his best but he really does succeed for the most part, he's just missing some confidence!

apollo is a walking trope haha but tropes exist for a reason!! tough on the outside, soft on the inside. apollo's exterior is not exactly tough, but it's cool - and they push that forward so they appear untouchable. deep down, though, apollo is a total bleeding heart. i like to think he would convince foster to let them foster kittens and stuff when they become more financially stable. apollo, very early on in his career, also used to work more directly with people (in social services) but it was just a little too much for him, so he went into tattooing instead. some of this discrepancy comes form his family. it's not that they didn't accept him or stop loving him, but to an extent they... just don't get it. they get a little sick of explaining who they are over and over so they're a little distant from their family and seek out validation elsewhere. it's complicated

their relationship is really healthy and they very much complement each other. foster is a very stable presence and a good show of unconditional love. even for as stressed as he can get sometimes, his support for apollo is a constant. and even though apollo is softer than they appear, they've still got quite a fiery spirit that helps motivate foster when he gets stuck. when he feels like giving up, sometimes a little pep talk from apollo is all he needs to keep going. also? PDA CITY. they are disgusting and all of their friends are sick of how touchy-feely they are in public /lh they're like the most obnoxious couple but it's just so genuine that you can't help but feel happy for them.

[dbssh]

i saw you ask someone else this and i thought the question was really cutes. what are your oc's drink orders (coffee/tea or alcoholic) ?❤️

aja - prefers fruit juices to coffee/tea because she has a really dull sense of taste + doesnt really get anything frm the caffine, so she usually does like. tropical smothies (pinapple/mango/ect). for alcohol she prefers things straight and strong (because of her Only Halfway Aliveness and also her hugeness she needs. a lot of alcohol to get drunk 👍), although without those restrictions would probably be quite fond of fruity things, pina coladas and margaritas and the like. yknow, mom type drinks. would also probably enjoy boba tea for the textural aspect.

hutch - doesnt drink anymore, but was fond of a good whiskey or the mandatory Butch Beer, or whatever they could get their hands on. fond of simple at-home morning coffees with a little bit of cream and sugar, kind of intimidated by complex menus.

kasey - likez very complicated, sugary, and overall adorable drinks. anything pink with whipped creme. brings her own sprinkles and mini gummy bears with her just in case. often makes concoctions that seem awful to anyone else. when shes old enough to drink have you ever seen those tiktoks where the guy just unloads ridiculous amounts of alcohol into massive tubs. this guy. she makes things like this..like his candy ones too. but yknow..responsibly... mostly.

victor - doesnt drink often, but when he does its something very no-nonsense and straightforward, like, he is doing this with a Purpose and its not about flavor its about the most efficient way to lose consciousness. though casually he does enjoy a nice white wine. as for coffee, something chocolatey with a lot of espresso. like, more than is healthy or good for you. the shadowlands type behaviour.

arkangel - devoutly does not drink alcohol, never got into coffee. but i can picture her with a very classy martini.

nishka - cheap shit that tastes gross and is easier to get, something that screams "rebellious teens in the trunk of their friends car sitting in a field." md 20/20, fireball, hard lemonade, smirnoff ice, cheap shitty pre-mixed margaritas ect ect. you get the vibe. insists its good, actually, and better than more expensive shit. drinks black coffee to be cool and edgy, actually very much enjoys different floral teas.

luci - she is a robot

bucket - her heart belongs to the humble frappuccino and also a big fan of boba tea, likes to try all the different flavors and popping bobas

[ankhisms]

disclaimer im fine i just need to try and word various feelings and such pay no mind to the io who is trying to hold faer mental health together

i think the older i get and the more i desperately try to get better or at least be as healthy as i can reasonably expect to be with my various physical and mental issues the more it becomes clear to me... just how much a life time of being abused has altered my brain and tainted how i view myself. and i was obviously aware of this to a certain extent i am often painfully reminded of how much being abused and traumatized over and over throughout my life from a very young age has shaped me and how there are some things i may never fully heal from but will instead carry with me and have to live with. but recently its been jarring for me to like. be faced with it in a different way? where the environment in this theater production im in currently is actually overall very positive! i still often feel awkward where everyone is already good friends and knows one another from past productions but at the same time everyone is nice and friendly and no one is being nasty or weird to me like in the production i was in last year.

and our director and assistant director and the rest of the crew are really really sweet and encouraging and skilled people, i feel really thankful to be working with our director especially shes such a good actor along with being a good director and i value her input on things. which is why it makes it jarring to be given compliments by her and the other crew members and to be told that im a good actor and that im doing a good job. im so used to abuse from authority figures and so used to being told that im a worthless piece of shit etc etc that it comes as a shock when an authority figure in my life is actually kind to me.

and its been like. ive been having to step back and like. re examine just how badly i view myself. i have zero self esteem and zero confidence in myself, i speak very cruelly to myself and generally see myself as being a failure and other things like that, all of this is because ive been told that im a failure and disgusting ugly worthless stupid etc etc from both authority figures, my peers in school, my abuser, and my father throughout my entire life so ive internalized that and its almost impossible for me to break from thinking of myself in anything but that kind of light. but now ive been having to go. ok. i really respect this person who is telling me that im genuinely good at something. i want to believe them. i want to be good at what im doing. so this challenges the view of myself that ive been told is true for my entire life. i keep just going wait so am i not disgusting good for nothing ugly stupid worthless cant do anything right failure etc etc? and it shouldnt be so shocking that the things my abuser and the other people who have hurt and traumatized me have told me are wrong, but ive lived for so long thinking that all these things theyve said to me or said about me must be true. so again its really jarring to just be like. maybe all the awful things ive been told about myself were just very cruel people being cruel to me and not necessarily true.

but also at the same time i certainly dont think that those things being not true somehow makes me ~special~ i really dont think its possible for me to view myself as special or anything like that bc my view of myself is so low and negative and also bc i always want to be remembering other people and valuing everyone else yknow but its like. weird and strange for me to be realizing that maybe i dont suck as much as ive always been told and always believe. and maybe im not some horrible disgusting monster destined to be alone and abused forever, maybe im just a person. maybe im just a person who has been hurt a lot

but i also have to grapple with the fact that it is both true that 1. maybe im not inherently bad and maybe not everyone hates my guts and thinks im awful. but also 2. i am mentally and physically disabled as well as lgbt and there are a lot of times where people do in fact go out of their way to be cruel to me because of this and there will continue to be people who are cruel to me because of being disabled and being lgbt. these things can both be true

and alright i promise that im almost done rambling but one last thing i wish that all these years of abuse and torment and harrassment had somehow hardened me and to an extent i am kind of unphased by certain things but its more like i just fucking dissociate but anyway instead of abuse and trauma making me tough i just am so sensitive and always feel like im such a crybaby. i think i do a good job of not like making that other peoples problem i always try to suck it up but i always feel like i just am never able to grow thicker skin when it comes to very specific things that remind me of being abused. like i said our director is such a good director shes so sweet and kind and she did NOT at all say this in a mean way or mean to upset me. but last night she used me as an example where she said "im really a stickler about us saying the lines the exact way the playwright wrote them. rey i dont mean to single you out or bully you or anything like that, youre doing great, but youve been adding a 'but' to that line, lets cut out the but ok?" and again she is such a good director. she said this very kindly and i always appreciate her feedback and instruction. but feeling like im being singled out in front of people is such a big trigger for me and reminds me so much of past trauma and school abuse especially and it took every ounce of self control i had to not start crying and i just felt so humiliated about that. like why am i so sensitive. i know its because ive been abused my whole life but whats wrong with me. nothing bad happened and yet i felt like i wanted to die

anyway thanks if you read all this i prommy im fine im just feeling a lot of different things lately

[nialltlynch]

kk 2022 reading roundup

total books read this year: 41!! (which is a lot. to me)

my goal, as it has been the past couple years, is at least two books per month. and. dear reader, in the interest of being truthful and fair, I did not meet my goal. july wasnt a great month for both for interpersonal reasons and also because I was coming down the high of having read the gideon the ninth and harrow the ninth. so like. everything kinda tasted like dirt yknow what I mean? I read ZERO books that month. other than that, I did read a bit more than I did last year so it's a win all around

overall I do feel like this was a bit weaker. the majority of the books were fine. interesting enough to finish but not really memorable once closed. not as many of them hit quite very hard BUT the ones that did were INSANEEEEEEEE which! fine! okay! not all books are going to be mind blowers but I think it made reading this year feel a little bit more like a slog than previous. blah. you win some you lose some.

that being said, im only counting books that ive finished but I did start far more books that I ended up not finishing. I mayyyyy come back to some because I might not have been in the right place but idk. im still a very picky reader I think.

random observations:

i overwhelmingly read women writers. this is not by design. kinda neat i guess

i purposely try to read a variety of authors instead of delving into one author's bibliography (except shirley jackson, who has my heart). maybe next year I'll try to read more deeply into author's I enjoy??? we shall see

im surprised that apparently my top genre for the year is horror? i think the bulk of that is because shirley jackson is labeled horror which i suppose i have to agree with though i never considered myself a horror enjoyer. I think id like to delve more into the genre next year but ummmm im squeamish and I get scared and start shaking all over very easy ((:

i should read longer books. ill admit seeing an ebook with 300+ pages and preemptively mentally checking out....... this habit will probably follow me into the new year unfortunately )):

anyway. here are my rambling nothing thoughts on my top 10 reads this year!

top 10:

Harrow the Ninth - Tamsyn Muir | easily one of the most succulent, juicy, mind searingly delicious things I've consumed in..... I don't even know how long. possibly ever. all my thoughts can be summed up as: ooga booga

Hangsaman - Shirley Jackson | ive read a lot of shirley jackson this year and I think ive read all her novels excepts one (the road through the wall). anyway. this fucking book. no one understands the tragedy of being a young woman quite like shirley jackson.

Our Wives Under the Sea - Julia Armfield | this is one of those rare books where a confluence of things I love all come together AND it actually works out. just off the top of my head this book has (and executes WELL): floaty yet vivid prose. sea monsters. a healthy fear of the ocean. lesbians. mundane yet sublime body horror. unanswered mysteries. it's just!!! one of those things you hear about and you're like. there's no way this is actually that good right??? and true it has issues but I personally find the blemishes forgivable. I think my biggest problem is that it feels a bit drawn out but the vibes were so pitch perfect i can barely fault it for that. anyway. absolutely had a wonderful time reading this book. I went into it with relatively high expectations (especially for me) and left delighted and fed.

The Bird's Nest - Shirley Jackson | i went back and forth a lot about which jackson book was my favorite this year and it was really difficult because 1) they're all insanely good and exactly to my tastes and 2) this was the year i read the locked tomb so...... dsjkdsjkfd decisions man. ANYWAY the vibes in this book are off the charts

The Sundial - Shirley Jackson | ms jackson does it again!!! you would think that a book about a house that becomes a prison that symbolizes some form of control inhabited by a collection of delusional rich assholes would rank a lot higher since its so so so painfully quintessentially made for kk. it's also funny! I laughed out loud a few times and it was all in good fun. let me tell you. the only times I was laughing during her other books - say, idk, hill house - was at the absurdity of it all. the sundial was legitimately good fun.

Gideon the Ninth - Tamsyn Muir | DO NOT get it twisted. just because this is number 5 does NOT mean this book didnt make me absolutely insane feral. the difference between gtn and htn as far as my love is thin. razor silk spider web fucking thin. but theyre also completely different books so ughfdhfdjh okay. im not going to get into comparisons because who knows how we'll be at it. tamsyn muir is insane (affectionate with a twinge of awe.) i, a guy who sidestepped getting into A Certain Webcomic, have had a tab open for months now with fanfic for previously mentioned Webcomic (that i know next to nothing about) because im just so hungry for more tamsyn. gimme hands waaaarabslkdsb

Salt Slow - Julia Armfield | i read this before our wives under the sea and let me tell you... it set such high expectations. i obviously like her better when she's exploring subdued terror that slowly grows and grows and grows over time but she's very good at the fanciful and the deranged. she's contemplatively imaginative and the fact that she seems to also have a love for the ocean is just gravy for me. she wrote a fun little piece called the ocean is a lesbian. it was nice.

The Last House on Needless Street - Catriona Ward | this book is like one of those old timey anatomy diagrams to me in that i feel that really sums up the overall mood of the book AND also my feelings AND also conveniently describes how i read this book. this is an S-class concept with A-class writing which is delicious and delightful because it's both wonderful as a reader AND a writer. i was unnerved from the very first page and it was equally fun to luxuriate in that slow panic as a reader and to also unravel it through scrutiny as a writer. do you get what im trying to say? (i do feel presumptious referring to myself as a writer but this book really did make me remember why i love writing. so fuck it. I am a guy who writes aka writer)

Calling a Wolf a Wolf - Kaveh Akbar | im still very wet behind the ears insofar as my poetry knowledge goes and ill admit to not really. hmm. well, "getting it" sometimes. im learning! however. that being said. this collection. ooooof. i didn't feel like i had to stretch to grasp the concept. it ate my brain though thats for sure.

Devil House - John Darnielle | this book came to me at a very opportune time because I've been putting a lot of thought into the whole. true crime thing. still chewing tbh (got caught up in other stuff) but it definitely had a lasting effect

[gxdmade]

@chatcambrioleur asked [Fruity Headcanons]

🍐, 🍎 [how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart? ] [how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy? ]

Usopp is pretty smart for being self-taught mostly! Especially when it comes to being a tactician, engineering, and insects! He's a quick learner, and really loves to dig into knowledge when something interests him. He wants to learn all about it!!! He studies art sometimes, and loves trying out new mediums and discovering their differences from other mediums.

✨Mental Illness Innit✨Bro is for sure not neurotypical. Like he's definitely stable enough that he's not a danger to himself or others. But boy has an anxiety disorder something crazy. On top of that, he's on the spectrum, ptsd, abandonment issues, depression, yknow fun stuff. He's not exactly diagnosed for most things, unless Chopper has done so. Although he is medicated for the anxiety, it's something he could not avoid if he wanted to life any semblance of a 'normal' life.

hhahha....therapy....man don't they all need therapy?? Especially since he still struggles with the death of his mother (nightmares and random bouts of deep grief) and his feelings towards his father are extremely tangled. His self-esteem issues probably should also be discussed, as seeing yourself as the most expendable crewmate is not healthy in any capacity (looking at you too sanji.)

[trans-zhongli]

so this is a legitimate question and i know i should be researching this instead of asking my 12 total active followers but. i don't actually know the truth about the whole "giving trans kids hormones before they're adults" thing. does it truly have the side effects people say it does? by that i mean sterilization. and is it possible to destransition later if you're on puberty blockers/HRT growing up? what's the difference between puberty blockers and HRT? is one safer than the other? does psychology say it's worth it for trans kids to risk the side effects to be able to transition? are the side effects not as bad as people claim? im genuinely curious because like

if it's a permanent and unchangeable decision/has very severe side effects like sterilization, that makes me have a really conflicted opinion. because growing up trans i know how shitty it is to deal with puberty while you're also trying to determine your gender, and it would be especially terrible for kids who suffer from more dysphoria than i do, and those who already know they're trans. so i really don't know. if the side effects are as permanent as i've heard then it makes me wonder if a kid can actually consent to that without knowing what they might want in the future. destransitioning happens to adults, too, not just children. but like. I GET IT. dysphoria is HARD. puberty makes it MUCH more difficult to transition later. so idk.

i need to look into it more but it's such a political fuckfest that i don't know what sources to trust about it. so i don't really have an opinion on it yet. i want trans kids to be as safe and healthy as possible, and i support kids' rights to bodily autonomy of course. in the meantime until i learn more i'll go with what i think is probably the best option in either case: leave it up to the child and their doctor and no one else should get a say.

it sucks that trans healthcare is such a big issue. i think it's a good thing to have some (positive) therapy and dr visits before deciding to transition, because it's a hard choice to make, but i also can't speak for everyone. some people know exactly what they need and i'm not going to force them to get told what they already know, yknow. it also allows the system to take advantage of a "waiting period" of required therapy to make it as difficult as possible for trans people to get the healthcare they need, which is shitty.

overall, idk. im trans but my desire to transition kinda extends as far as wearing a binder when i feel like it, i don't mind looking feminine and being bigender i don't want to get rid of any options for expressing my gender. so i don't really understand how it feels to be in the position where you truly do need to transition to be happy with yourself. but i hope everyone who does gets exactly what they need, without judgment or jumping through hoops. i wish things like this could just stay between a person and their doctor and out of the business of everyone else who doesn't understand. if anyone wants to tell me more about the issue im happy to listen and learn.

sorry for the long post ✌️

[leviathanspain]

under the dining table

peter parker x reader

synopsis: even in front of your parents he can’t get enough of you

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“what are you doing here?” you practically shrieked as your friendly neighborhood spider-man was currently climbing through your window sill, spilling onto the hardwood pine floor.

“i wanted to see you.” he remarked, standing up, leaning over and cupping your face gently.

a knock on your door rang out and you gasped, “hey honey!” it was tony’s voice as he tried to open the door, “dinners ready! come on down!” your father again tried the door and you responded as you glared at peter.

“alright dad! i’ll be down in a sec!” you heard his footsteps stalk off and you smiled, “i’ll see you in a bit.” you kissed his forehead and left the room quickly, making sure the door shut behind you.

as you first walked into the kitchen, your stepmother looked at you with a side eye, “why was your door locked?” pepper had this thing about locking doors, especially since you had been notorious for having people over at night.

you rolled your eyes, “i was trimming my ass hairs, i didn’t think you wanted a ticket.” you heard a familiar snort but brushed it off, he wouldn’t.

tony whipped the corner and you looked at him, “reel your wife in before i send her back.” you glared at pepper and she looked at tony disappointedly.

tony raised an eyebrow, “don’t get into my kids business pep.” tony was unlike pepper, he didn’t care what you did behind your doors as long as you were happy, healthy and still reminded him that he wasn’t old.

he was, but if lying kept you rich, you didn’t care.

you sat at the dinner table, across from your younger sister, morgan. she was a spitting image of your father and you liked her, if she was in the presence of her mother, you ignored her, but morgan by herself was pleasant.

as the food was served onto your plate by your parents, you felt a familiar hand trail the inside of your thigh. you should’ve known with the laugh but you didn’t want to believe it.

sighing, you grabbed the bowl of veggies just as he was pulling your skirt up, your underwear slipping down your leg.

without any pause, peters tongue hit your pussy with hunger. you bit back a moan with a piece of roast beef, trying hard not to cry out at the pleasure. pepper raised an eyebrow at how quiet you got, but kept eating. the dinner table was big and long enough to were peter wouldn’t even be suspected.

you wanted to cry out loudly right at that moment but you knew if you did, tony would lose his mind at the idea that his intern is fucking his daughter with his tongue right under his dinner plate.

peter brought his finger to graze the top flesh of your pussy, softly caressing it as you scooped a mess of peas and carrots onto your spoon.

morgan smirked and looked over at her mother, “mom, when will the cute boy that works for dad come by again?”

pepper looked over at you and raised an eyebrow, “i don’t know, ask y/n, maybe she’d know?”

as much as you wanted to beg for peter to let you cum, you perked up and looked at morgan and then over at pepper. pepper suspected you and peter to be a thing, more so a late night thing but yknow, a thing overall.

tony stopped chewing and looked over at pepper and back at you, “why- why would y/n know?”

you shook your head, “we used to take algebra together. i talked to him a few times and pepper assumed something else, that’s all.”

you peeked down to the floor and saw peters head deep into your core, all you could see was his hair and not even his face as he held your legs down.

you wanted to shake with pleasure but peter stopped you, and silently you thanked him.

“you alright?” tony asked briefly, pausing in his anger.

“yeah! im fine, just that this meat is pretty tough,” glancing over at pepper and sighing, “i thought dads money would be able to buy better quality meat. more so,” you gulped as his tongue lapped up your juices, “yknow what?”

you felt peter pull your underwear off and your skirt down, making sure it was unsuspecting of the activities.

“i cant stand you,” you looked at pepper, “right now.” you sighed, dropping the utensils.

you knew that playing the dramatic one, you could escape and remain left alone for the duration of the day, which was exactly what you needed.

but now as you climbed up the stairs, you saw peter looking at you helplessly. he couldn’t just waltz out from under the table like nothing so you bit your lip and tried your best to make up a good distraction.

“morgan is failing all her classes, by the way.” and as soon as you said that, both parents shifted their line of sight to glare and yell at morgan, and peter slipped out carefully and quickly up the stairs with you.

he reached up to grab your hand but you grabbed his shoulders first and kissed him roughly.

“do you taste yourself on me?” he whispered into your ear when you released him from your kiss.

“absolutely. i cant wait for you to rearrange my guts..” you joked and pulled him closely and into your bedroom.

[jinniejohns-blog]

heyyy...

so i’m not gonna be online this weekend and maybe next week. i’m forcing myself to take a break from the internet because of stuff. uh yeah...the rest will be in the tags but just- sorry to everyone i message, anyone who sent me asks, anyone who tagged me, etc etc.

[widowswineapologist]

Hello again and I hope your 2022 is happy and healthy!❤️ I am in self-shipping hell (Tank and Edward are playing tug of war and I’m stuck in the middle of it help) Could you please write Ultimis Tank and Primis Richtofen mushy headcanons of their s/o cheering them up on a bad day?

AAAA SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY I DELETED TUMBLR FOR A LIL WHILE BC I HAD NO SPACE ON MY PHONE-- I HOPE THESE R OKAY!!

warnings: uhhh depression nd slight suggestiveness. Also i did not proofread bc fuck that

Ultimis Dempsey:

- Okay honestly I think he's such a bitch whenever he's having a bad day. His sarcasm and overall assholery is amped up to 10. Probably gets into a lot of arguments with the crew too.

- Luckily for everyone else, you're Dempsey's pride and joy whether he's angry or not and he literally cannot help but smile at you whenever you try to cheer him up.

- He'll try to keep that gruff, tough dude persona when you start cracking jokes or being extremely sweet to him but the facade will just break after a few minutes.

- Tank totally does that thing where he cracks a smile and gets mad about it so he looks away from you.

- Literally say some stupid shit and he'll lose his fucking mind and then his mood is back to normal. You could just do some absolutely god awful impression of somebody and he'll straight up bust out laughing, it'll be cute. Do a horrible impression of one of your teammates and he'll join in. Needless to say, you both will throw SO MUCH SHADE.

- I think he would appreciate being distracted rather than directly comforted when he's having a bad day, yknow? But that isn't to say he won't appreciate a good hug or two. Just...not too many, okay? He's got a reputation to uphold.

- I personally think he's a little awkward with comforting people but he will definitely try to return the favor, to show his appreciation because we all know for a fact this motherfucker will be caught DEAD before he says "thank you for cheering me up" out loud.

- Also also,, there's another way to cheer him up if you're up for it 😳

Primis Richtofen:

- okay but when is he not having a bad day fr fr

- I imagine he's a lot more somber than Tank, but that isn't to say he ISN'T snappy. You know how bo4 Primis Richtofen is just a dick to everyone? He's prolly like that (cant blame him tho. imagine finding out everything u've been working so hard for is worthless nd ur crew wont care abt u even if u sacrifice urself to save their musty asses)

- He canonically has meltdowns (would they be called panic attacks? I've never had one b4 so I wouldn't know--) so I imagine he'd probably try to hide how he's feeling from you for the longest time bc he has to keep up that facade of he knows everything and has to do everything.

- You'd probably find out when looking for him around the grounds and you find him huddled in a corner sobbing and hyperventilating.

- Surprisingly, he'll let you hug him then. But get ready to be nearly crushed bc he's clinging to you and wont let go until he has no tears left to cry.

- Cheering him up is a difficult task bc he'll never truly feel better, but indulging him in his scientific ramblings, joking around with him, or offering to lighten his workload will make him feel better.

- But I think he'd catch onto what you're doing real quick, especially if you start asking abt wonder weapons to him so he can ramble his little heart out.

- I swear if he didn't love you before then, he would fall head over heels now. You're...going out of your way to cheer him up? When you have your own issues to deal with? Brb he's planning a impromptu wedding rn

- He won't ever forget it, and though he may be a little awkward himself, he'll definitely try to be there whenever you're having a bad day too <3