#you do NOT fuck around with chimps......

[bitchimasnake-sss]

"remember that time when-" ft. r.zoro!

ft. zoro x fem!reader

set-up: you're pms-ing and this man is your greatest friend and even greater enemy rn (but you know you love him); drabbles to soothe your delusional soul <3

warnings: none! very wholesome lol

-contrary to popular belief, this man actually knows what periods are (wow, the bare minimum!!!) - when he was younger, he had listened to kuina go on about being a woman and its disadvantages and all and i believe he thought she was talking smack (i mean at the end of the day, "a swordsman is just a swordsman") - so when 15 year old zoro stumbled across a library, he decided to waltz in and just pick up a random biology book to understand female anatomy (it happened one after the other, completely unplanned) - when i tell you his little fifteen year old pea-sized brain was blown away (he learnt way more than he probably should have) - (please i beg u he can read, trust me 😭😭) - but just because he knows its a thing doesn't mean he understands it. so, yeah, he actually does know what it is, he simply does not care - in his logic, he had bled multiple times and still always bounces back so like what's the big deal??? "what's the big deal? it's just blood" he's sipping on a bottle of sake, gulping down its remnants in a single breath when you had complained about cramps one evening "excuse me?" nami is ready to strike him down "i said its just blood" - nami did, infact, then strike him down - post-dating zoro still thinks its no biggie "oi, yn" he's poking your shoulder, "what's wrong?" "cramps" you grumble against the pillow he laughs, "ah, they'll go away, get up and get going now. don't sulk around, you're my fav ketchup packet" "tf did you just say?" "ketchup packet?" - you refused to talk to this man for the next two days - at the end of the second day, he had to write a formal apology (with chopper's help) and speak it out loud before you started entertaining his bullshit again - see the thing is this mf is reserved, superhuman and has an absurdly high pain tolerance so it's hard for him to sympathize exactly - he once caught you crying cause you had seen a mama chimpanzee kiss it's baby chimpanzee and hug it tightly and he will forever bring it up "zoro you remember that time you got lost in dru-" "yn, remember that time, we were passing through a jungle and you saw some chimp-" he ended up getting a sucker punch to the face he deserved it. - but just because words aren't his thing doesn't mean he isn't looking out for you - everytime you're laying there on the bed, unmoving, he'd wordlessly crawl into the bed next to you. he's give you a gentle back massage or start rubbing soothing patterns onto your belly "you want something?" he mumbles slowly, hands skimming softly over your waist - this man would not and i repeat absolutely would not allow you to do any physically demanding work though "hey, let me handle that" "zoro, i am not a child!" "you sure look like one to me." he snickers, "remember the time you saw that mom chimpan-" "zORO FUCK OFF!!" - you need something from the top shelf? he got it. you are helping ussop carry gunpowder from the storage? go sit down, your boyfriend's got it - does it sometime frustrate you? yes - does the crew use this opportunity to make his lazy ass do a fuck lot of chores? also yes - he will still 100% make ketchup jokes (he's gross like that) - but name one man who'll treat you more gently than this bozo, i dare you - it might be something as lame as a period, doesn't mean he woudn't go to the end of the world to make you feel slightly better (even if he teases you about it endlessly)

sanji's part <3 luff's part <3

[erinsintra]

ants are so cool you guys i swear to you if they ever figure out how to overthrow their monarchy and establish a democratic system of government then it's over for mankind

ants literally wage war and deploy humanlike warfare strategies. they take captives as slaves! and the slaves sometimes revolt against their masters!

they have a complex system of communication revolving around pheromones (which is kinda like if humans communicated using b.o. but not really)

some even go as far as invading wasp or termite nests in order to annex their territory!

or they make TRUCES with other insects and work together

they also raise aphids for their juices the same way we do to cows

they have AGRICULTURE and ARCHITECTURE and ROADS and MEDICINE

fuck chimps i hate chimps ants are the true closest relative to mankind

[biblicalhorror]

something something about how Nope (2022) creates a horror film around the concept of agoraphobia as it relates to the feeling of constantly being watched, surveilled, consumed for entertainment. How the opening scene ends with a blood soaked chimp on the destroyed set of a sitcom looking you directly in the eye before cutting to black. How it is the constant poking and prodding of these "show" animals beyond their limits and boundaries that causes them to violently lash out at the people around them. The fact that Jupe is not only completely disconnected from his trauma from Gordy's Home but actively chooses to commodify and profit off of it, and then his need to make a spectacle of every aspect of his life is what ultimately, LITERALLY consumes him. How OJ consistently approaches beasts with a quiet empathy and understanding that causes confusion in the people around him because he chooses not to film or even look JJ directly in the eye and that's why he survives. How Em finally gets her "Oprah shot" in the end but the pain in her eyes echoes the pain we saw in young Jupe's face as Gordy's blood splattered across his cheeks. The fact that the main characters spend the movie doing something people always shit on horror characters for doing (staying to get a picture/video of the monster in their backyard instead of just fucking leaving) and you're still rooting for them because you GET IT. You can empathize with these people who live in a world where it's a) extremely common to commodify and exploit your own life for social media and b) in Hollywood especially, you're left with almost no CHOICE but to do so, thanks to capitalism making you feel like there is no other option. The film makes it very clear that the choices made by these characters are the same choices a LOT of people in the digital age would make.

[saanphoenix]

Played the demo.

Surprised by all the people surprised Sephiroth kills the way he does.

My man was on auto-pilot and operating on a subconscious desire fueled by rage. He straight up looks like he's disassociating. His facial expression is not the one we see later when he's having a great time fucking with Cloud. Or fighting Cloud's team. His facial expression is that "ethereal grace" smile, whenever he fucking actually has an expression.

I could tell before "Cloud" tried to grab him that you wanted to not get near that man. And you were shown real quick why you didn't wanna get near that man.

Don't touch him, don't get near him, don't get in his way, play dead if he's near you.

He's hit T-rex mode. Vision's based on movement. And, in the past, no survivors is what Sephiroth was trained to do. Militiaman trying to help "Cloud"? He's up. He needs to be down. Idiot crawling towards him? He's moving. He needs to not be. The militiamen that surround him? With guns? That they just point at him because apparently they don't know how those work? He just stands there until one gets close enough and then they don't exist anymore.

The mayor is where Sephiroth's unique mental break really shines. Because he made the man drop to his knees first. THAT is the little glimpse of where post-Nibelheim Sephiroth is going to go. He wanted that man put in his place and for him to know where he belonged before he ended him. And then he stepped on his hat for good measure.

"Cloud" he ignores. Walks right past him, even as "Cloud" steps up to him like he's gonna do something. He does not raise a hand to him, and he even "sheathes" his sword when he turns around to look at "Cloud" and smile at him. Because, in his fractured mind, Zack is not an enemy. He's someone Sephiroth likes. He may have thrown him into a wall, but like. Don't touch him.

It all makes sense to me. It's that fucking scene in "Nope" when the chimp kills anyone stupid enough to make eye contact with him or move after he snaps.

Do I expect the villagers to know they're dealing with someone who's had a mental break and is going to treat them like he's been trained to treat enemies? No. Did I expect fans to know? Yeah. Which is why I'm reading reactions like, "...Always has been? Why are you shocked?"

"Dear Lord, he's killing people!" Yeah. That was his job. He was really good at it. Best of the best.

[oldfashionedbutlervibes]

Oilver Swift Headcanons Because Im Horridly Forgetful<3

Relationship;

—Okay, too start off he is the most supportive dork you will ever meet

—loves you more than anything-

—He actually has like four brain cells are three of them are specifically for remembering your anniversary

—He takes you to the damn cinema so excitedly like he doesn’t work there-

— gets you a discount on drinks whenever you go

— he also flirts..well, attempts too-

—HE. FUCKING. GIGGLES. AND. TUCKS. IMAGINARY. HAIR. BEHIND. HIS. EAR WHENEVER YOU FLIRT BACK

— god hes chaotic as fuck too-

—if y’all even consider marriage Gingi has to be best man-

Overall a 900/10 relationship<3 :DD

Friendship;

—y’all are getting up to absolute NONSENSE together-

—hes so fun, he just bounces around commits arson and gets high all in one day with you trailing behind him either encouraging his chimp-like behavior or desperately trying to calm him down-

—PLEASE PRAISE HIM FOR DOING BASIC TASKS- he has a very bruise-able ego!!

—So you know how dogman told us how exactly phones kiss? Like, gentle face mashing? He practiced with you-. 10000% yes he did-

—start a book club with him he’ll be your biggest fan and you two can read Dostoyevsky together or sum-

—HE TEXTS IN ALL CAPS WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PUNCTUATION OR GRAMMAR

9/10 friendship in general! (One point docked if you don’t match fez’s with him, then he’ll ghost you and cry in Randy’s dumpster for half an hour)

General;

—…here me out, man’s got pec’s to feed a village. (I’m a good person I promise.)

—Hes a veeeeeery physical touch oriented guy, literally has his arm around someone 24/7

—addicted to Mountain Dew, it’s chronic at this point

—hes a very talented painter, probably only paints the lewdest things imaginable but still, it’s something!

— he makes his bed a very specific way and actually beams whenever someone compliments it

—he has a collection of classic literature and poetry that he will rant about upon asking

—Jerry’s adhd son- Oliver has Jerry on speed dial incase he tries doing something strenuous and or stupid- (yes I realize how odd that speed dial part sounds upon reading it over)

— Owns over eight flannels for different ocassions-

—…….hes very experienced in the lewd activities some of you’d like to partake him don’t ask me how I know-

Overall, If you can’t tell I loveeee this silly little moron- (apologies once again for this taking so long once again, I appreciate all of your support so very much- please, send me a request if you’d like more-) (it also wouldn’t let me add the photo at the top AAA tumblr how darent you-)

(Update: OH. MY. GOD??? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT I LOVE EVERYONE OF YOU-)

[studsandmore00]

“Emoc athero dekratis!” Janus said, finishing the third stanza of the spell. His hands glowed as he placed them in his abs. Warmth spread through his body.

Janus felt his phone vibrate in his pocket as the warm feeling subsided. “Yo, dude? Where the fuck are you?” Aaron’s voice said. Janus could hear the club music pounding in the background. “The club is fucking nuts. Get over here.”

Janus tapped Aaron on the shoulder as he got to the club. “Yo dude! You finally made it!” He shouted over the pounding music.

“Yeah! I’m here! What’re you drinking?” Janus shouted back.

“Beer! Go get one and hurry the fuck up. There’s someone I need to introduce you too!”

Janus grabbed his drink from the bar and headed back over to Aaron. Other than the guy in the middle, Aaron was the only guy at the table.

Janus was struck by the presence of the other man at the table. Even in the dark lighting of the club he could see the man’s olive skin and the outline of a body that had spent a lot of time at the gym.

“Hey! This is my friend Janus.” He shouted to the table. “Strange name but cool guy.”

The man in the middle perked up. “As in the two faced Roman god?” He said.

“Yeah, my parents both have Phds in classical mythology.” Janus shrugged. “You’re the first person to get it, by the way.”

The man shrugged. “I get it. My parents named me Apollo. At least yours had an excuse. Mine just liked the name.”

Janus and Apollo talked the rest of the night at the bar while Aaron and the group of women danced like horny chimps.

“Last call guys. Want anything?” The bartender said. Janus looked at his watch and was surprised to see that it was already 3am.

“Nah, I’m good.” Janus said. Apollo nodded as well, indicating he was finished. “Hey where’s Aaron and those girls you were with?” Janus asked as he looked around the club and couldn’t find his friend.

“Oh they left like 2 hours ago.” Apollo said. “I think you were in the bathroom.”

“Ah ok.” Janus said. This wasn’t the first time that Aaron had ditched him at the bar for a girl or two. “I guess it’s time I head home too.” Janus said. He still needed to finish the last part of the spell he’d begun earlier.

“Oh come on. We’re having so much fun.” Apollo said. “You don’t want to go yet. Let’s head back to my place and have another drink.”

Janus felt a wave of influence come over him and before he could turn his new friend down, he found himself in a spacious penthouse apartment.

“Damn dude! How the fuck do you afford this?” Janus gasped.

“Family money.” Apollo said. “What do you want to drink?” Apollo walked over to a bar on the far wall. He started pulling glass bottles off the wall and mixing them together into a drink.”

“You got beer?” Janus asked.

“No.” He said. “Drink this.” Apollo said, turning around with a nondescript brown drink in his hand. “It tastes better than it looks.” He said with a shrug. Janus took a sip of the drink and smiled. It tasted like summer fruits. “So how long have you been practicing magic?” Apollo asked

I nearly spat out my drink. “What?”

“You have the smell of it about you. But here’s the thing about magic…” Apollo said as he stepped closer to Janus. “There’s always a consequence if you don’t complete the spell.” Apollo snapped his fingers and Janus found himself naked on a bed.

Apollo stood across from Janus, equally naked. Janus’ eyes traced the lines of Apollo’s body, admiring the 6 pack of abs. Janus had never considered sleeping with a man before but seeing Apollo in all his glory made his dick hard and his hole wet.

What the fuck is happening to me. Janus thought.

“That would be the consequences of not completing the spell.” Apollo said, stepping closer to Janus. Apollo’s massive dick was rock hard. He lifted Janus’ legs and slid into him.

Janus’ body exploded with pleasure as it took inch after inch of Apollo’s manhood. Janus moaned as the world went white.

“Worship me.” Apollo said as he grabbed Janus’ face and forced the man to look at him. Apollo sat back and flexed.

“You’re amazing.” Janus said as he touched Apollo’s ripped body. “I’ve never met a man like you.” Pleasure continued to flow through his body with each thrust.

“Pray to me.” Apollo said as he picked up speed. “Beg me for pleasure.”

“Apollo, please fuck me harder. I need you inside me.” Janus begged. He’d barely registered the words as he said them. Apollo’s dick seemed to grow longer and thicker inside Janus. Janus gasped as his eyes rolled back in his head.

“Beg me for a child.” Apollo said as he leaned over and looked deep into Janus’ eyes.

“Oh god, breed me. Give me your child.” Janus begged as he grabbed Apollo. “Please, I need your child inside me now.” He said. Apollo exploded inside Janus as he arched his back in pleasure. The warmth of Apollo’s seed filled his body. Janus looked at Apollo as both of them panted.

“Been a long time since I had a child.” Apollo said. “I hope you’re ready.”

Janus laughed. “Well we’ll see…” Janus stopped mid sentence and looked down. His body was already starting to bloat.

“Don’t worry. Demigods are usually born a few months after conception.” Apollo said as he got up from the bed.

Janus rubbed his belly and felt the life growing inside it.

[kinsey3furry300]

My (very late) take on Ricky “Jupe” Park from Nope.

So, when I was a small child, my sister and I were taken to a local museum by my father and it was a wholesome and fun day out for all the family EXEPT FOR THE BADLY TAXIDERMIED WHALE SHARK HANGING FROM THE CEALLING MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT THING?! It was huge, it looked and smelt terrible, the room was poorly lit and crowded and decorated to look like the bottom of the sea and you had this thing with it’s huge open maw hanging right over you all the time. I distinctly remember that I couldn’t look. I could not look. Between the, the ocean episode of walking with dinosaurs, the underwater segment of myst, and fucking books like this that were everywhere in the 90’s!

Fuck you Nigel Marven and Jasper James, Fuck you.

…both me and my sister developed a lifelong fear of being eaten alive by giant, aquatic-type monsters. And because it was advertised and a film about a brother and sister fighting off little green men, and not advertised as a film where 40 people get fucking vored by a flying Portuguese man of war, me and my sister saw Nope together in the cinema and ohhh boy 1, did I catch shit from her about it, to this day, and 2, while I love that film, it scared the shit out of me. It scared me so badly I tried not to think about it until I plucked up the courage to re-watch it this weekend.  So I’m a little late to the party, but speaking on behalf of people terrified of being gobbled up by ever-present sky-sharks (you know they’re there prove me wrong!), I’d like to talk about Jupe.

How was this not a best Supporting Actor win? Give him all the awards!

I’ve seen a surprising amount of commentary say that he’s an idiot for endangering and getting all those people killed, and that he deserves his fate, and while there is a little element of truth to the first part, I can’t fathom the second. One, no, no one deserves that and two… Do, do you guys know how story strucure works? Jupe is a foil for OJ. His life and arc mirrors OJ to a surprising degree: they’re both people of colour working in a white-dominated Hollywood system who have been held back by, or are stereotyped because of, their race. They both witness “a bad Miracle” that’s starts with a strange popping/crunching noise (the balloon for Jupe, Jean Jacket regurgitating indigestible items above them for OJ), that results in death, where a seemingly imposable thing happens (a coin falls from an empty sky, a shoe balances perfectly on one end) and where they are spared death because they don’t look the danger in the eye (Jupe has the table cloth between him and the chimp, OJ looks around whereas Ottis senior looks up and so is hit in his unprotected eye), and are traumatized. Both deal with the trauma badly, and surround themselves with constant reminders of it (Jupe’s Gordy shrine, OJ’s horses and ranch. I mean he keeps the fucking coin!). Both try to commodify and sell their trauma for fame and fortune (the paid tours of the Gordy shrine, getting that “Oprah shot”). Both also want to use Jean Jacket to reclaim the heritage that the film and TV industry has taken from them (OJ wants to save the ranch and memorialize his family’s role in the invention of film, Jupe wants to be remembered for the Starlight Lasso and not just as that Asian kid who survived a chimp attack, for taming the beast, not just surviving it). Both unwittingly train JJ to attack humans (Jupe by teaching it to associate people and music with food, OJ by putting it off horsemeat by feeding it a decoy). Both are a bit greedy, and kind of disrespectful to the dead, and nether Get Out (couldn’t resist sorry) when they should. Both put their family, friends and strangers in danger to get their payday, and both get at least one person killed doing it.

So why does the film kill Jupe and his family in such a hilariously awful way, but spare OJ and Em (and Angel: we love you Angel)? What’s Jupes fatal flaw, that greek tragic hubris that dooms him and that separates him from OJ? Why is he the one who gets vored by an angry stetson? Is it a eat the rich narrative? A critique of the idea of Asian Americans as the “Ideal minority?”. Is it killing off the comic relif, or just done for shock value? No, I don’t think Jordan Peele would be that heavy handed or un-imaginative. I think it’s something far more clever.

It’s this: from an early age, Jupe was trained to perform, whereas OJ was trained to handle performing horses. OJ thinks about how to safely provide the spectacle, whereas Jupe was trained to be the spectacle. OJ communicates with Angel in clicks and gestures without realising: OJ’s internalised how to talk to horses, how to use body-language. But Jupe...His plan, upon finding out that there’s a UAP flying around his home is to build and stage and make it into a rodeo attraction. That’s not a sane person’s reaction, that’s how Homer Simpson would try and Monetize first contact with alien life. That’s how Peter Griffin or BoJack Horseman would treat ET…. That how a 90’s sitcom character, who never got over that one role, would treat the situation.

Every time a name is mentioned in the chapter titles of Nope, the living being it refers to dies… except the title card “Lucky.” The horse (so long as the final shot is real and not Em hallucinating) lives. It (and OJ) makes it out. But then again….

Jupe probably thought of himself as Lucky, after the Gordy incident. He was probably told time and time again that he was Lucky, until he internalized it. He learnt the wrong lessons from the experience, he learnt that he not only needed to perform, but that he was special. “You’re’ chosen.” He learnt that he needed to perform, to be a spectacle, to survive a horrible industry that swallows people whole and chews them up and spits them out and occasionally has animal control shoot its stars dead if they go of script. He was conditioned, and trained, from an early age to treat everything that ever happened to him as part of a performance, until he can only talk about his own trauma in terms of how good the SNL take on it was.

And like every other trained living being taken from their natural habitat and forced out on stage as spectacle in this film, his training fails him at the worst possible time.

He’s “Lucky”, and he’s tragic, and he’s just another victim of spectacle, and that’s the scariest part of the film. ...Other than the FUCKING MURDER PANCAKE IN THE SKY OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?

[bugeyedfreaks]

rewatched the movie for the first time in ages after growing up having ppg be a crucial part of my childhood and even as mojo jojo was a shitty lab assistant and a very evil monkey before the girls or before he got hit with the chemical X it still pissed me off for the professor to just completely abandon him after the girls were born to where he’s forced out onto the streets?? not pissing me off in a narrative perspective to be clear, i just got mad at the professor for doing that. especially considering the chimp trade in the states is notoriously shady and like, of fucking course if you buy a chimpanzee for use as a “lab assistant” or test subject it’s going to be more than a little crazy because it’s a wild animal. he just left mojo jojo to fuck off and die like whoa??? forget the professor being arrested for his little girls destroying the city via tag, arrest him for ANIMAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT. he sucks fat eggs for that one

Yeah, it’s definitely weird that the Prof completely ignores Mojo after the girls are born. It’s different than in the show where he says that he ended up kicking Mojo out but completely forgot about it… which is still a little unbelievable because I would imagine it would be hard to forget about kicking Mojo frickin’ Jojo out of your house. 😆 Maybe the Prof just repressed the bad memories? Maybe the girls did too? What exactly did Mojo do after gaining sentience that made the Prof mad enough to toss him out on his own?

But since this is about the movie… for real, it’s messed up, and you kind of can’t blame Mojo for being pissed off about it. Okay, sure, before the accident, he was running around and messing up the laboratory, being a little bad boy, but he literally had no awareness at that point. It wasn’t like he knew he was being bad, he was just an animal. It was natural for him to jump around and swing on things and goof off. And it is super awful that the Professor had an animal in his lab, an animal he called his assistant of all things, and even after the initial shock of the Chemical X incident, doesn’t eventually check up on or worry about said animal after a chemical explosion? Like, bad boy or no, he could have been really hurt! There’s no questioning where he went? No side remark like, “Now where did Jojo, the chimpanzee and lab partner who was living in my home, go?” The Professor just totally forgets and automatically pivots to showering his new lab creations with gifts and attention? God. Poor Mojo. Imagine suddenly gaining sentience and no one cares that you could be hurt or dead or anything. That has to be an awful feeling. It’s no wonder he has a huge chip on his shoulder. 😢

So yeah, I agree, when you think about it, animal endangerment/abandonment, even if the animal was kind of a little jerk, is not much of a good look for the Professor. Ultimately though, it’s just one of those things that you can’t really overthink too much about, since at the end of the day, the movie can’t really have us sympathize much with Mojo ‘cause he’s gotta be the villain (luckily, I overthink things a lot, so I enjoy talking about stuff like this, especially about my problematic fave 😆).

Side note: I’ve wondered if Mojo’s origin story was added after the fact or if it was planned. I know he was, like, called Dr. Mojo in the Whoopass Girls, which you’d think might have hinted at him being a scientist and all that (with a degree, ooooh~) but I wonder if they’d even thought about the whole being a laboratory assistant to the Professor backstory even way back then. I dunno.

[jess-the-reckless]

I started out 2024 with a fervent prayer that it would be a nice, boring year with no major upheavals. Alas, that dream shat the bed before the end of February, so with one thing and another I've been a bit busy. Still chugging away with A Fete Worse Than Death, though, so here's a sneak peek of how pillow talk goes when you discover that your wife once spent part of the Cold War working undercover as a spectral chimpanzee.

________________________________

Crowley, champagne glass in one hand, flung back the covers. She patted the mattress next to her. “Get in,” she said. “Come on. Bedtime for Bonzo.”

Aziraphale slid down between the expensive sheets. “Why do you keep saying that?”

“No idea. Recurring brainfart, I think.”

Aziraphale plumped the pillow against her neck and settled in. She’d always loved this. As much as exploring each others bodies in bed was fun, sometimes it was just nice to talk. Whenever they were together she and Crowley had talked a lot, but it hadn’t been until they’d ended up tangled up beside the fire in the gardener’s cottage that their conversation had reached newer, deeper, more interesting levels. Sometimes the things they’d shared were profound, conversations carefully skirting the thing they had been unable to say out loud, and other times the details were small, and stupid, at least on a surface level. It was here, in a series of bedrooms, that Aziraphale had learned that Crowley hated Marmite almost as much as Aziraphale loved it, and that Crowley – for all her hair looked so shiny – sometimes fought a secret battle with dandruff. Aziraphale had consulted her library and determined that this delightful new level of conversation was that ‘pillow talk’ that lovers often did in books, and then had to make herself a very strong cup of tea, in order to remain sensible while grappling with the notion that she and Crowley were now lovers.

Pillow Talk – wasn’t that a film with Doris Day? The thought knocked something loose in Aziraphale’s mind. “Isn’t that a film, too?” she said. “Bedtime for Bonzo? I want to say Ronald Reagan, and I’ve no idea why that name rings a bell.”

Crowley blinked incredulously at her. “You amaze me sometimes. You know that?”

“Why? What have I done this time?”

“The man was President of the United States for eight years. You’re maybe the only living entity who can still write in cuneiform, but you remain wooly on Ronald Reagan? How?”

“I’ve been around for a long time, darling,” said Aziraphale. “I lost track of world leaders round about the time Alexander the Great was still handing out tips on intercrural. And there have been rather a lot of kings and emperors and presidents and such, especially lately. They’ve been going through them like lavatory paper in Westminster. Which one was Ronald Reagan again?”

“Cold War guy,” said Crowley. “Used to be in films.”

“How funny. I didn’t even realise he was an actor.”

“Neither did most people. He got upstaged by a chimp in Bedtime for Bonzo. Oh and that’s why it keeps coming back to me: it’s one of Satan’s favourite films.”

“Right,” said Aziraphale, perhaps even more confused than before. “Satan watches films starring chimpanzees?”

“Well, yeah. Eternal damnation. He’s got a lot of time on his hands.”

“I suppose so, yes. Was it a good film?”

“Fuck, no. It was a stinker,” said Crowley. “The chimpanzee playing Bonzo seemed to know Reagan was a wrong ‘un, too. She tried to strangle him with his own tie. Almost killed him, actually.” Crowley’s yellow eyes narrowed. “Wait…she wasn’t one of yours, was she?”

“One of our what?”

“Agents. Her name was Peggy. She was a girl chimp playing a boy chimp in the film, but in those days nobody minded if chimpanzees cross-dressed. She died mysteriously in a fire, and there were times when I wondered…well…if Downstairs had anything to do with her death.”

Aziraphale emptied her champagne flute in a long swallow, and topped it up. She had a feeling it was about to become one of those conversations. The kind where she needed a map.

“Right,” she said. “You thought Hell had murdered a chimpanzee? Why?”

“Because she tried to kill Reagan,” said Crowley. “Who was definitely one of ours, by the way.”

“An agent?”

“No, no. Just a very useful idiot. But it stands to reason that if you’ve got an idiot that useful to Hell, then your boss – what with omniscience being what it is and all – might have sent one of God’s creatures to…you know…” She pulled on an invisible tie and made choking noises. “…neck him.”

Too lazy to call room service again, Aziraphale miracled the bottle back to full. She was going to need a lot more champagne. “Crowley, are you seriously asking me if Heaven is in the habit of training chimpanzee assassins to eliminate future world leaders?”

“Yes,” said Crowley.

Aziraphale shook her head. “I think you’ve been watching too many James Bond films again, dear.”

“Nah. Like you always say, the Lord works in mysterious ways. If they’d known Hell had a target on Reagan’s back…I mean, that’s why they sent me.”

“You? To do what?”

Crowley shrugged, her bare, tanned shoulders bronze against the white linen. “Get in there and shake some things up,” she said. “The usual. At first I was like ‘don’t see what Satan sees in this guy’, but you didn’t have to know Ronnie for long to see that he was seething human crucible of vicious resentment and bile. He hated his fellow actors, especially the ones who were more talented than him, which was most of them. Including the chimp.”

“Oh dear,” said Aziraphale. “You don’t think he set fire to poor Peggy, do you?”

“No. Although he wasn’t exactly crying too much about her death. It was pretty much ‘rest in piss, you scene-stealing monkey.’”

“How rude. She was an ape.”

“I know. And she was a scene-stealer, to be fair. Chimpanzees are naturally funny, whereas Reagan had all the comedy chops of a bucket of rendered animal fat. And it wasn’t just Peggy he had it in for. When he wasn’t being upstaged by a chimp he was busy denouncing his fellow creatives as Godless commies. He was a bastard, and a nuisance. All he needed to become a full-fledged monster was a little push. So I…pushed. How was I supposed to know it was going to end in trickle-down, AIDS deaths, and ketchup being reclassified as a vegetable? I just thought it would be amusing to spend some time as a chimpanzee.”

Aziraphale frowned, still no clearer than before. “Crowley, what are you telling me?” she said. “Am I to understand that you were the star of Bedtime for Bonzo?”

“No. Of course not. This was after Peggy died. Perfect, really – well, for me, not for Peggy. But it gave me an opportunity to play the role of a spectral chimpanzee. What better way than to taunt him by turning up as one of his funniest co-stars? It was only a part time gig anyway. I’d chimp up and then appear at his breakfast nook in the morning, or turn up driving his limo, with the hat and everything. Hats were a big part of it, actually. If you’re going to be a chimp you might as well wear a hat, because it’s funny. And I was hilarious. I had a fez at one point, and one with a propeller on the top, even though they’re kind of hack as far as comedy headwear goes. The viking helmet in the downstairs toilet properly freaked him out, though. Quite proud of that one.”

Fascinated, Aziraphale topped up their glasses. “All these years,” she said. “And I had no idea you’d spent part of the twentieth century as a chimpanzee. I didn’t even know you could do that.”

“Of course I can,” said Crowley. “I’m like if a medieval bestiary could own shoes. I spent most of the seventeenth century as a series of witch’s familiars.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. And not just snakes, either. I’ve got range.” She ticked them off on her fingers. “I’ve been black cats, hell hounds, bats, violent ferrets, suspicious toads – you name it. Regular menagerie, me. One time I was even a bewitched chicken in Norwich.” She winced at the memory. “That was an experience. Probably why I’m still quite elastic in the pelvic floor area, actually.”   

[yanderelmk]

I'm gonna bite, could you share some detail of the yanderes and their unaliving preferences? I'm especially interested to hear about the Mayor, Spider Queen, Wukong, Macaque, and Redson. Write as little or much as needed

CW: GORE, MURDER, HUMAN EXPERIMENTATION ☠️MAYOR☠️: BIG fan of making his victims live through a horror movie, preferably with an antique aesthetic painted over it. Imagining a scene of him slowly walking down a hallway quietly humming this song. (As a side note, anyone else thinking the Mayor would serve with an old filter over his voice???) He's a man of old fashioned tastes in my opinion. A simple axe will do most times, but that's for his casual ventures. The more angry he is with a person, the more intense the hunt. I imagine him having a sort of Backrooms-adjacent realm he can drag people to that has different settings he can chase you around in: an old oil baron's mansion, an expansive garden maze, perhaps even the woods if he fancies a more traditional hunt with a gun. 🕸️SPIDER QUEEN🕸️: Spider Queen also is partial to hunts. After all, she fed herself for many millennia on unsuspecting prey that fell into her web. Despite the size of her mech, the Spider Queen is extremely good at stealth and hiding in the shadows. You won't know she's there until she's dropped on you and her fangs are digging into your throat. However, if you've really pissed her off, she'll bite you with her paralysis venom and savor this particular meal. ☀️WUKONG☀️: Normally Wukong goes for something simple like his staff. It's quick and effective, and with how powerful it is only a red mist will tell that you were there at all. However, if you push him over the edge I can see him genuinely going feral and ripping a person limb from limb, mutilating them and tearing at them with his claws and teeth like actual monkeys in the wild (chimps, notably). It takes a special case Macaque to bring him to that point. 🌑MACAQUE🌑: Same with Wukong, if you push Macaque enough he will go absolutely feral and mutilate his target, but if he's of sounder mind he'll have some fun. Hunts include sending his shadow clones to fuck with you, making you think he's closer than he actually is. He has eyes and ears all over the forest, he can track you like a tiger could. His shadow clones are also very useful in keeping tabs on where you are. If you see them, he's already seen you. If he especially hates you, he'll have his shadow clones drag you to the shadow limbo, the place between his portals. There his clones will proceed to, without going too graphic, eviscerate you. He could also trap you within his lantern and force your soul to face its own shadow: all your secrets, all your nightmares, all of your life's pain displayed in an endless loop for his entertainment. 🔥RED SON🔥: Now obviously Red Son prefers varying degrees of burns, but I actually want to add more to this. What if he experiments on the most heinous of people? Tries merging flesh with machines? He takes the victim and begins trying to see if it's possible to merge a human soul with his demon bull clones. Why? Just to see if he can. I feel like we need more Mad Scientist Red Son, all of the vibes are there. I can also see him testing to try and see just how far the human psyche can go until it fully breaks, how far the human body can go under certain types of torture. He is a man of experiments after all.

[tyanis]

Out of Context Quotes FanFic Game!

Rules:

Post funny/weird out of context quotes and/or thoughts from your fic(s) with the only context given is what character the quote is from.

Post as many or as few as you want. But maybe keep it under 50.

Tag other fic writers. You don't need to be tagged to join, however.

Optional: Add a link at the bottom to the fic(s) the qoutes and thoughts came from.

Sound good? Ok, I'll start.

Quotes under the cut. And all these are from a currently incomplete Resident Evil 2 Remake fic.

"Don't know. But I walked through there earlier and now I feel a little offended that a mythical beast was mooning me." - Leon

"Thanks, I dressed myself." - Claire

...what do I say? I was sure you were dead? I hated being here without you? Did it hurt when you fell from the fence? - Leon

"Yes, yes... if my tiny woman muscles give out over something that's less than ten pounds, I'll let ya know." - Claire

Good job, brain. Proud of you. - Claire

"Yeah but... with beer?!" - Leon

I mean, the only way I can top all that awkwardness is by blowing up. - Claire

"Ah, prom night... I can already tell this is gonna be bad." - Leon

"Look, how about this. You believe in me enough for both of us and maybe I'll succeed and not horribly maim you. Deal?" - Claire

"Now take that owl over there. Unlike you, he actually had a brain. Removed it myself..." - Irons

"Yes sweety. He blew up the car." - Claire

"Well, I'm starting to suspect I'm not gonna have a future here in Raccoon City considering everything is on fire and the populace is eating itself..." - Leon

"I was scooting around screaming like a chimp with his dick stuck in a mousetrap." - Claire

"Hey! You like my heels?! 'Cause I sure as fuck do!" - Ada

"Hey, here's a little secret, Leon. I'm kinda stupid." - Claire

A vending machine... A fucking vending machine! - Leon

"I have eyes and a memory that spans more than ten minutes." - Claire

"It made acid." - Sherry

"Ahh... just enough room, I'll probably only bump my head a few times. But that's ok, I got a pretty thick skull. Had to sacrifice a lot of brain space for that, but nobody's noticed so far." - Claire

Hey legs? I know we almost died again but maybe start working?! - Claire

"You want me to throw some toothbrushes at it?" - Leon

"Oh no, not dust! The horror! How will we ever survive?" - Claire

"You fell out the same window twice." - Leon

Whoa, hey there buddy! Where's that hand goin'?! I know you're excited to get that shotgun, but goddamn. - Claire

"I don't take orders from you. I will land on that pavement like a man!" - Leon

No, don't stop yet! I spent most of "nice comfort time" all pissed off. - Claire

"This thing is jiggling and I don't know what that means!" - Claire

"I'm not supposed to hit people with flashlights!" - Sherry

"Speaking of balls to the face... I got beaned in the head with a baseball once." - Leon

"My ass hurts." - Claire

---

And done! Sure were a lot from Claire lol. But yeah, all of these quotes came from this incomplete Cleon fic. Now, to tag people...

Let's go with @brokenangelwings22 @leonisdumbasallhell @nspired1fanfiction but anyone can join!

[tall-mccartney]

Actual Dan x Jonah quotes:

Dan: I will break your legs so severely, you’ll end up normal height

Jonah: you fucked me with your face

Dan: you’re obsolete, you’re like an old VCR but with a bigger mouth

Jonah: you should go fist a chimp

Dan: you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit

Jonah: use this finger🖕 to wipe your tears

Dan: you fucking ape, you’re a useless waste of carbon

Jonah: I’m the one that broke you

Dan: you’re so low-rent, you can’t even be exploited

Jonah: you upstate New York dick-shit, you’re not that great to be around

Dan: go fuck yourself, Jack and the giant freak-stalk

Jonah: I’ll be better when you walk away

Dan: listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull

Jonah: Dan Egan is a solid five and a half, weak six

Dan: jesus christ Jonah, how do you not know this shit?

Jonah: I’m sure that showing your anus gets you into all of your regular social clubs

Dan: I hope you die a horrible death choking on a red glistening dog dick

[vioyume]

I know this has been said but I'm tired of the word "AI" being used for everything.

Firstly it's not AI! It's a program that's meant to consume data and regurgitate it into an amalgamation of that data. Which can be useful in CERTAIN fields with the proper ethics and backup. I am not 100% relying my life or savings to it.

Second, it's not new, we had this technology before, we just gave it more data and gave it the ability to steal our information and works. Take a look at face filters, we had those for a while and now I'm seeing ads that says there are AI apps that can turn you into a beauty queen. Chat bots are a prime example of that too, do you remember when YouTubers played with Eve bot? Or Chimp bot? That was around 2014, and we simply just gave those kinds of programs more info to reference off of.

The AI Coca Cola ad still pisses me off to this day, AI is not telling you what is the ideal Cola, it's a fucking database full of analytics and sells data!

AI is just a face to make more money, and it's also killing the environment!

[sincerlycas]

Um yes girl give us the ☕️🫖!!!!

ALRRR YALL KNOW I GOT YALL!!😭😭 so first things first right, me and him have been going painting for a while right so around this time we were taking a break and I was sitting on his lap per usual. this time my phone was connected to the speaker since my playlist is the spitting image of his and I had it near the window so my phone can get service so I couldn’t use it yada yada yada. so as I was saying I was sitting on his lap and I asked if I can play games on his phone and he pulls up subway surfers right and I’m said I’m goated at it and I can beat his high score, so I start playing it and the nigga is a goofball so I could see from the side of my while I’m tryna focus that this man got his mouth wide open leaning slowly to get a chimp on my mf chest (😭) and he stops mid way and is like “I thought you were gonna hit me I’m surprised” and I’m like “bitch I was you were a lean closer to getting elbowed” right and he’s like “you can’t be that focused” and I said “nigga please you can’t distract me when I’m focused.” and he’s like oh really??? so he pull up my shirt a little pulls my bra down and starts sucking the fuck out of my nipple tryna distract me from getting a high score and did he succeed?!?!? bitch you know damn well y’all girl didn’t get distracted!… I lied the highest score I got was 4000… ANYWAYSSSSS yeah so fast forward we take another break and we laying on the lounge with plushies and blankets where you can lay down and relax right and when I tell you this man needs skin to skin contact- he needs it. so we cuddling and he damn near got his whole face in my damn neck and we talking and laughing and shit then he takes a lick at my neck and I’m like “you fucking lizard” and we start laughing and starts doing random tongue motions and kept asking me what animal is that then the last one I said “you. you’re the animal” and we laugh yet AGAINN (laugh yall way into some dick/coochie it works like a charm) and he ask if darkskin can get hickeys I’m like “nigga-“ he told me don’t answer that he forgot for a second then i don’t remember how but he starts sucking on my neck again and choking me blah blah blah (🫦) and he goes up to kiss me we kissinnnn and when I told you the nigga slipped his hands in my pants and abused thy clit, he abused it. I was on the verge of screaming 😭. then I sucked his dick and he doing what he doin to meee😁 and suddenly it turns into a competition so while I’m sucking the dick I suck his balls I DONT EVEN GET TO DO ONE SINGULAR SUCK this nigga jump up and say “nahh I’m sensitive there” pussy I know. so I go back to sucking the dick and I end up sucking it so nicely that I caught the nigga staring at me so I being goofy as hell winked at him and that got his ass fucked him goin like “damnn show out then” bitch I will. LEMME STOPPPP anywaysss he goes to eat me out and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MF AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! it was so gooddddd after first when he did it I thought it was his fingers doin that till he moved my hands I was like THATS HIS FUCKING TONGUE?!?!? bih I was grabbing on my own neck for dear lifeee. then yk he try to put it in it hurts yada yada he goes get a condom he goes SLOW then it goes INNNN I’m like lord have mercy then he’s like “i know I know” AHHHHHH so he notices that the nigga I told y’all didn’t pop my cherry for real so he goes DEEEEEP and that’s when I turn into a freak I’m choking this nigga and I’m grabbing this nigga ass forcing him to go harder and shitt. ANYWAYSSSS we finish and a bitch feel like she boutta be knocked outtt and if I haven’t explained before my man isn’t a scammer trapper rapper he’s a scholar so he don’t speak in slang he speaks proper and shit and he analyzes tf outta people. so like we chillin and this nigga talking bout I’m a dominate submissive girl who likes it hard asffff and he like thattt then said a whole bunch of things I’m like…. what am I a book?!?!?!?! but yeahhh yalll that’s all I can remember rnnnn my memory is ass btw.

it’s crazy to because for a while I thought I was gone be a virgin forever or sex wasn’t for me and I was wrong SO FUCK WITH A EDUCATED AND CLEANNN EX HOE OF A MANNNN.

xoxo your favorite hoe 💋 (imma start using that now)

[the-owl-tree]

no fr. the authors seem to really believe that squirrel needs to be punished over and over again for a “crime” she committed in universe years ago. like almost a decade. aren’t Jay and Lion like 7 years old?? fucking christ leave that woman alone. there’s cats in this clan born who don’t even know what happened and would reasonably not give a fuck because it’s old news. and why are they so obsessed with it! it’s tiring and annoying to read through. I’m so sick of “well squirrelflight is a LIAR and LIED to her mate and clan and the three. SHE’S SO UNTRUSTWORTHY AND NEEDS TO FACE CONSEQUENCES FOR BEING A LIAR” like okay but we did this last week and the beginning of this week. we will do this again on Friday I know, but can you give it a rest at least today

I stg if in the coming books they pull some shit like “squirrelflight isn’t actually leader uwu. she LIED about getting nine lives just like she LIED about the three. see? she’s only ever been a liar~ can’t trust her at ALL :3c” I’m releasing coked up 6ft tall chimps into the writer’s room

the entirety of squirrelflight's hope is just the narrative going "why are you treating these nobody inferior loser loners as being worthy as Not Dying as clan cats?? do you ever think about the consequences of your actions???" like yeah i'm sorry i do think it's fucking insane to 2 v 1 a group that has done barely anything but be antagonized. "they kidnapped squirrelflight and leafstar!!" and those two still got fed and were treated kindly. bramble "time to throw my weight around because my mate bruised my ego" is ready to let one of the sisters die a (PREVENTABLE) slow and painful death in front of them.

and before someone goes "well, the sisters attacked-" actually they didnt give af about that. they didn't know. the reason they were down to let them die was because they saw them as inferior for being outsiders and call me a snowflake but i think that's a bad message to tell kids <3

the fucking trial is dumb as hell. they did everything right, starclan is unreasonable. garbage ass conflict.

[astroprompts]

✧ — 𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐔𝐀𝐋 𝐆𝐄𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐂 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒

“It’s not that bad, I can explain.”

“It’s not what it looks like... But it might be worse.”

“What you need to understand is that moose aren’t afraid of anything.”

“To be fair, when you can walk on water like moose christ and cripple cars, there’s not gonna be a lot of things that put fear in your heart.”

“When a moose decides to choose violence, only two things can save you; Jesus Christ and the Moosiah himself.”

“First of all, why would you ever put yourself in a position where you need to know any of this?”

“If you’re dumb enough to do that, you might as well just let natural selection do it’s thing.”

“Gorillas don’t usually attack anything that seems weaker than they are, which gives them more of a moral compass than high school bullies.”

“Are you serious? Did you really think I was gonna have actual advice here?”

“If it’s black, fight back. If it’s brown, get on the ground. If it’s white... You’re gonna die.”

“One uppercut, and he/she/they’re sending your jaw to Jerusalem with no return trip.”

“Evolution made humans smart enough to put a man on the moon, but it also made chimps swole enough to put a man on the news.”

“Be sure to save me a seat at heaven’s dining hall.”

"What makes you think they’ll go easy on you?”

“You think I’m exaggerating?”

“They’re built like a Toyota with the personality of Jeffery Dahmer.”

“Cocaine hippos are something the world doesn’t need to deal with.”

“Cougars are not to be taken lightly.”

“Humans are an evolutionary failure, because we can’t seem to run away from anything.”

“Unless you’re a gay hillbilly redneck with a Netflix series, I don’t see how you could ever possibly need this.”

“Disrespecting a tiger is really bad for your health.”

“Do not turn your back on a grizzly bear.”

“Unless your last name is De Caprio, there is no award for getting assaulted by a grizzly.”

“Not only are you gonna feel real stupid, you’re also gonna die.”

“If an elephant decides it wants to hurt you, there isn’t a force in nature that can save you.”

“Basically we’re dealing with a coked-up weasel with really bad roid rage.”

“They have no moral compass, no conscience, and no remorse.”

“If I have to be cursed with this knowledge, so do you.”

“Ducks are cancelled.”

“Ducks answer to no god.”

“How do you want to die?”

“I’d honestly rather get insta-killed by a tiger than dissected by a polar bear.”

“He’ll destroy my way of life, but at least I’ll have a life to live.”

“Can we please acknowledge the fact that the platypus makes no sense as an animal?”

“I should probably explain what the hell that was.”

“They’re found in South Africa and Australia, but they also own a good amount of real estate in my nightmares.”

“Can’t call it simping if it works.”

“The more you look at it, the worse it gets.”

“If someone handed you $100,000, no strings attached, what would be your first move?”

“Unconditional love might sound cute, but in nature, it is very much conditional.”

“I already don’t trust pelicans off principle.”

“It’s survival of the fittest, and there is no award for participation.”

“Somewhere a middle child just shed a single, silent tear.”

“Imagine having an older sister whose primary purpose in life is making sure you don’t have one.”

“If ‘men ain’t shit’ was an animal, it would be the hyena.”

“When you’re that good for that long, eventually time is gonna catch up to you.”

“Life is a brutal reality show where life is all about getting renewed to the next season.”

“Few animals have a worse PR team than hyenas.”

“I pay way too much for contacts for you to lie to me about what’s in front of my face.”

“Time for 50 shades of fuck around and find out.”