darkorderaf

[oswildin]

Loki x Autistic!Partner Headcannons

Please be aware these are based off my own experiences with autism as a late diagnosed, cis woman. No autistic person is the same. Don’t take this as advice.

You finally got the diagnosis, after years of feeling like there was something missing, something not clicking… And then finally, it made sense.

When you told Loki, well, he looked at you strangely. Confused. Sure, you were a little ‘quirky’ (what a classic descriptor used), had your… habits. Why did mortals have a word for everything?

“It doesn’t change anything.” Loki had told you. You knew he meant well, you knew how he meant it.

“But it does. In a way.” You’d told him. It meant you now had the chance to make changes, to adjust, set boundaries in your life.

You were getting ready for bed when you saw a book on the bedside table that you didn’t recognise. Loki had a habit of leaving his books lying around. But typically they were all old looking, massive ancient texts with the occasional modern novel. Moving towards the table, you picked it up, eyeing the title.

“I wanted to read up on it.” Loki spoke from the doorway, seeing you turn to look at it. “Understand. Help.” He said softly, slowly approaching. “Make sure that I can do everything that I can to make life easier.” He paused. “Which I know sounds ridiculous coming from the God of Mischief who is renown for doing the exact opposite.” He smirked, tone teasing.

You felt a warmth in your chest, seeing the genuine care in his actions, his words. Putting the book down, you closed the distance between you both, giving him a hug. Loki instantly wrapped his arms around you, holding you close, a small soft smile on his lips.

“I know it’s not the same…” He began quietly. “But… I know how it feels to be… on the outside.” He paused. “To feel like… you are always trying to find a place to fit in. Wishing you could be understood.” His hand soothingly rubbed your back. “But…” His lips tugged upwards faintly. “Then I found you and you made me feel like I belonged.”

And of course, he did the same for you. It was amazing how one person could make you feel that way.

Loki was a man who was both impatient and patient, but with you, he was always the latter. Sure, there were time when he got frustrated - but never at you. It was at himself, at the fact he couldn’t simply magic any problems you faced away (literally and metaphorically).

When you go quiet, he doesn’t force you to try to speak, or try to engage you in conversation, knowing that you just need time and space and quiet. But he will sit with you. And of course, give you plenty of hugs if that’s what you needed.

He feels a warmth spread through him whenever he sees you happy stim, it never fails to bring a smile to his face. If you’re happy, he’s happy.

Loki always laughs with you, not at you.

The first time he see’s you having a meltdown tears at his heart. He does his absolute best to help calm you down, but knows there’s boundaries and is always conscious of what he says or does in those situations. He doesn’t crowd you, even if his first instinct is to wrap you in his arms and hug you, make you feel safe - but he knows that isn’t always what you need.

After a while, he began to pick up on the small things, the tiny details that told him you were becoming overwhelmed or frustrated, instantly allowing you to take the reins and tell him what you need and want to ensure you didn’t get to the point of a meltdown.

Loki never treats you like a child. He’d read about how common it is for people to do that, and the notion seemed utterly absurd to him.

Oh, he loved hearing you info-dump and talk about your interests. He loved seeing the way your eyes lit up, the way you spoke so passionately and enthusiastically about them.

“Sorry, I was rambling-“ You’d say sheepishly, making Loki furrow his brows. “No, no, continue. Please.” He’d encourage, nodding with a small smile. “I want to know.”

And of course, you could listen to him speak about magic for hours. You loved seeing him be passionate about such things too, his facial expressions, the quips he’d make about how people didn’t know the difference between ‘duplicate casting’ and ‘illusion projection’.

“Honestly, it’s not that hard to understand.” “They’re clearly completely two different things.” “It’s insulting.”

He’d cast illusions of the night sky on the ceiling, fluttering butterflies, small fireworks… anything that made your eyes light up. He’ll bring you some form of calm.

When you got snappy or agitated, he’d bite his tongue. His instinct was to quip back - he was still Loki after all. But he understood that it wasn’t personal, it wasn’t him. And so over time, the defensiveness would wane, and he’d simply give you space or whatever you need.

You understood each other. As Loki had said, it was different circumstances, but he knew how it felt to be seen as the ‘outsider’, not feeling like he quite fit in but didn’t understand why - until he, of course, found out his true heritage.

But there was a kinship there. He knew how lonely and isolating it could feel to be seen as ‘different’. And he never wanted you to feel that with him. And you never wanted him to feel that with you.

He found you comforting. Calming even. Like a solace to the soul. Through the good and the bad.

You’d told him about your childhood, how you never felt like you fit in, couldn’t work out why other children weren’t as nice to you or wouldn’t let you play with them at break time. Even when they did, it never was what you wanted to do or suggested. Always playing by their rules.

Loki could relate to that. Growing up with Thor and the others… He always preferred reading and learning magic over the more… boisterous activities they would prefer. And he always felt like he was just there because of Thor.

You told him about how you went through your teen years being confused about everything and anything. The turmoil of emotions you had no understanding of yet, why you felt so tired, sad, angry and alone. It broke his heart to know you had gone through such things, to know you had ‘changed’ yourself to try and fit in with others expectations and ideals.

Yes, he also understood that feeling rather well too.

“You know you never have to do that with me, right?” Loki had asked, never wanting you to feel that way with him.

“Am I too much?” You’d once asked him, and the look on your face - the fact you’d even asked him - tugged at his heartstrings.

“Maybe.” Loki said softly, noticing your face drop for a moment before he quickly added: “But-“ Making you look up at him, brows furrowing. “You’re my too much.” He told you, eyes crinkling faintly. “And I know I’m quite a handful, so I do hope I’m also your too much.” He’d add playfully, making you smile. “Seems like we’re each others ‘too much’ then.” You mused lightly.

(Last quote is from/based on Heartbreak High)

[that-bipolar-mood]

hey, my therapist thinks i might be bipolar and I’m really scared. it makes sense but it’s not something that I had thought about

I don’t know what to do what if I am bipolar??? im so worried that my friends will see me in a different way and I can’t loose them, I need them there all I have. I don’t know anyone that is bipolar and I have no support groups for bipolar disorder near me the closest one is almost 4 hours away. are people really going to see me so differently? Is being bipolar as bad as it sounds? Would meditation help or make it worse? I know nothing and I’m so worried about what’s going to happen. I know nothing about being bipolar. I’m sorry for the rambling I don’t know what to do, I’m just looking for help here.

-Axel

Hey there, sorry for my rambling, and thanks for stopping by.

Basically, I can assure you that all of us who were diagnosed went through something like this.

It's a long process, not gonna lie, but a good way to start is researching this condition. If you like books, fiction, or nonfiction (though I suggest non-fiction first), a quick google search will give you plenty of suggestions. My fav being Kay Redfield Jamieson, p.h.d. There are also movies, some more realistic than others. Probably among the top three is "Touched with Fire".

Anyway, once you get the basics and perhaps come to the conclusion that your therapist was right, you step on the path towards recovery and acceptance. (Not talking about full recovery since bipolar is a chronic condition)

1. You are still you

I know how deeply profoundly sucky the point of view becomes. You might see life through lenses of this illness, even yourself, your interests, and so on. But the cliché is true: your illness doesn't define you.

2. Acceptance isn't linear

Maybe unconventional, but I found that worrying and thinking about bipolar 24/7 made it worse. Some days I'll feel normal, some days I'll curse the day I was born. I'll mourn the losses I suffered from this illness, but I also will remember that there are is light.

3. This illness is dangerous

So many of us underestimated the consequences( of particularly mania). Depression is well known nowadays, but mania is often romanticised, glorified, and brushed aside. Meds, if prescribed, are your weapon.

4. What happened sucks, but...

Reexamine your life, goals, ambitions, needs, and wants. Even though I refused to accept the diagnosis at first, I still forced the evaluation. Because I felt my life was ruined, I, for the first time, realized what was truly important to strive for. Plus, I got rid of many universal bad habits. But it's okay to take time. Please take time, self care and love are priorities.

5. Let others be

This is probably the hardest part. Some people never tell they are bipolar. But having Carrie Fisher for an inspiration made me stop hiding. Either way, some will leave, and some will stay. It's not your job to educate them, to force their narrow views wide, to in any way lose your energy over their ignorance. BUT. Others will actually try to understand. Your friends, I dare say, will want to help, be there, because you are you, and this is just an illness. Be patient and kind with those. Family is trickier, but in the end, they love you. Remember, when someone leaves, it's their loss. However, in the 21st century, people tend to be more open-minded. I never received a negative comment from my peers. When I "came out," people were kind and gentle, even though I expected them to start throwing stuff at me, literally.

I am certain that you will find your own way of dealing with this load. You will grow and evolve, like a beautiful flower, and this will seem easier, with each step down the road. You can find many successful and happy people with this condition. I personally cannot live without mediation, yoga, my dog, my wonderful friends, and yearly Skam rewatches. These keep me grounded, even when I punch my pillow in frustration, because goddamn universe why me.

Finding your way is therapeutic. the internet offers great advice, people gave great lectures, and you can even find podcasts, specifically about bipolar disorder. But in the end, it's just an illness, yes, a giant part of you, but also the unimportant part. Your thoughts, emotions, interests, desires, and more - this is you - and more. and more. infinite. a whole universe. perfect. While bipolar is merely a dot. And if you two are ever in opposition, my bet will always be on you.

If this is remotely close to an answer, I am glad. If not, my dms are open. Or if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know. With Love,

x

[larrydaleydaily]

Not with You pt.1

Pairing: Michael Morbius x Reader

Summary: Something about being near Michael just makes you feel different, makes you feel... renewed? Working at Horizon Labs can be difficult, but it gets easier when certain coworkers help you feel more yourself.

Wordcount: hovering around 3.6k

a/n: I have literally never written anything in my life, but I was suffering from the severe lack of Morbius x reader content, so I busted out this entirely self-serving ficlet in about three hours. Shoutout to my beta reader/English teacher: @cynicalsquib , who really doesn't get the obsession but continues to enable me.

“Well, Anna, I don’t know what you want me to tell you; it looks like a penguin to me,” you sighed, gently placing the origami… thing back into the girl’s delicately cupped hands. 

Anna had been demanding your attention for the past hour as she did her best to replicate the crisply-folded paper zoo that she had been collecting. And she was getting frustrated. She loved showing the stationary menagerie off to anyone who was around, which, unfortunately, didn’t include many people, given the environment…

 The famous Horizon Labs, home to some of the world’s most brilliant scientists from all fields of study (you had heard that, somewhere in the tower, there was a man with eight robotic arms). Horizon was the best place for someone like little Anna, the best place for someone with debilitating diseases or physical disorders, to be. Here, she received round-the-clock care from overqualified, highly trained experts in bio-medical treatments. Which she needed, desperately. Anna was only seven years old when the illness had first manifested itself. It had started with lethargy and an unwillingness to play outside with her brother, which no one spared a second thought to. Until the fevers came. Sometimes reaching 105°F, her family knew that something was very wrong. After a long bout of specialists poking and prodding Anna, there finally came a diagnosis: Hepatitis C. Not a death sentence, but not the makings of an easy life. Because of her age, no physician wanted to put her through the toil of dozens of pills per day, but there was truly no other way to manage her disorder. Until Max Modell caught wind of her case. CEO of Horizon Labs, and an honest-to-God hero of the scientific community. Modell brought Anna to the central Horizon location, deep in the heart of Manhattan, and made sure to outfit Lab Floor Six with the best equipment his money could buy, funding the research of many an experimental doctor. Which is where you came in. Kinda.

You were a zoographist and botanical researcher, meaning you really knew your fauna and flora, which was incredibly useful to more than a few scientists in the building. Tiberius Stone, the electro-magnetic tinkerer from Lab Floor Seven, had asked for your help in orchestrating an experiment called “Alpha” (what a vague and not-at-all helpful name, you had thought). Doctor Aribella Fishbach, Nobel Peace prize winning ecologist, damn near talked your ear off about helping her create a biodegradable, near-zero waste tire prototype until you gave in. You had even lended a hand to Peter Parker with his unstable “Cryo Cube 900”, adding a naturally occurring antithermalite to the casing of the creation, though you’re pretty sure he’s still tinkering with that one. Needless to say, you were useful on almost every floor of Horizon, which suited you nicely, as it gave you a lot of options for what you wanted to do on any given day, as long as your own deadlines were met.

What were you working on? That was hard to answer. You were convinced that certain species in the arctic circle had… odd… evolutionary nuances from their counterparts in other climates. There was evidence of a polar bear with wings. It was- it was unheard of and, as far as you had found, unimagined by the likes of most civilizations, ancient or otherwise. Regardless, you had been pulled from your own endeavors by every other goddamn researcher in the building for so long that you had mostly abandoned your own office, choosing instead to work with others, milling about their desks and workstations to assist with whatever they needed, picking up some skills and interests along the way- it could get lonely- working hunched over a pile of zoological diagrams that didn’t add up. Knowing that your work wasn’t saving any lives. Unlike the work of a certain hematologist that made your heart leap into your throat. Your friend, the doctor that actually made you want to quit your job so that you could just follow him around all day every day, hanging on to every word he uttered. 

Doctor Michael Morbius, the self-proclaimed “Doctor Death” (a joking title that may or may not have caused Max Modell to double over laughing during a press conference preceding Michael’s Nobel nomination). He was…how to put this gently? The most enthralling person you knew? Forgetting the fact that he was painfully beautiful, as you often had to force yourself to ignore, he was just charming. His alarmingly quick wit that always caught you off guard and caused involuntary blabbering from you, his devastatingly unmatchable intelligence, and- you know what? No, you can’t ignore how pretty he is, because that’s a huge thing too- His eyes are just fucking piercing, like he could stare through your very soul with ice-cold intensity, daring your resistance to slip for even a fraction of a second so that he could analyze whatever unhinged thought leaked from your mind. The pale pallor of his skin, while clearly not healthy, created an almost marble-like, statuesque appearance, as though his jarringly high cheekbones and annoyingly smooth, clear skin were carved from stone. And his hair! Why did he have to take care of it so well? The first time you saw him take his hair down from its usual low bun, you quite literally stumbled over your own feet, earning you the title “Bambi” from his friend and colleague Doctor Martine Bancroft, who told you after the fact that you had looked like a baby deer caught in headlights. Speaking of which…

 “Well, well, well, who do we have here?” Stealing you from your reverie, Martine looked exceptionally smug as she leaned against the doorframe to Anna’s room, taking in the sight of Anna ferociously folding a piece of paper that you may or may not have nabbed from nurse Sutton’s desk, and you, frozen in place, eyes wide and a poorly-shaped paper pyramid in your hands. She smirked at the terrible attempt to replicate Michael’s delicate craftsmanship in your cupped palms, then slid her eyes over to Anna. Beginning to read vital monitors and charts that you really didn’t understand, Martine plucked the sad excuse for a project out of your hands and absentmindedly fiddled with it.

“She’s helping me make more of my army,” Anna replied with zero sarcasm in her voice, not taking her eyes off of her current task of fixing the “penguin” she deemed not perfect enough. 

Such a strong girl, you thought with a little smile. 

“Is she now? Bambi, why are you helping my patient conquer Dr. Morbius’ paper squad? Well- helping in the loosest sense, because what even is this?” She held up the lump. You took a second to stare sheepishly at the little creation she clutched before clearing your throat to answer.

“See, Anna beat me at chess-”

“Again?”

“Shut up and let me finish.” Both Anna and Martine laughed at that one. “As I was saying, Anna beat me, and I told her that she could have whatever she wanted as a prize for her victory-”  

Anna finally looked up from her work to stare straight into Martine’s eyes; “I asked for a motorcycle.” 

“-Which I obviously can’t give her, she’s not old enough for her license, so she settled on enlisting my… help,” you looked at your pitiful attempt, “in trying to take down Dr. Morbius and his animals.” You’d think that working in the field of animal anatomy that you could make some stupid animals a little better, but, sadly, that was not the case.

“Okay, then, Anna, answer me this: why do you want to take on Dr. Morbius’ paper crew?” Martine raised an eyebrow, along with a very good point. You actually didn’t know the answer to this. 

Anna shrugged as much as she could, eyes returning to her project and grimacing when her IV held her back a little. “Dunno. Just want to show him that I can do cool stuff, too. Surprise him like he always surprises me with them?”

You did your damnedest not to well up at that. Being reminded of how sweet this girl could be is hard. 

Letting out a little “Ha!” of delight, she held up what was definitively an emperor penguin. You and Martine shared a smile and looked on in pride. Until you heard the distinctive noise of incoming crutches. Expression blanking momentarily, Anna hurriedly rounded up her small collection of origami animals and tried to shove them under her pillow. When that didn’t work, Martine scooped a couple up into her lab coat, including your pyramid creature, and you snatched a few to hide in Anna’s bedside table, the three of you frantically hiding the evidence of Anna’s new hobby from the approaching doctor. 

You were just shutting the drawer of the little stand when Michael rounded the corner to look into the room. He clearly wasn’t expecting anyone but Anna to be in the small space, but he really wasn’t expecting the three of you to be staring straight at him with noticeably forced smiles on your faces in not-at-all fake and totally-natural positions. He looked taken aback for a second before a truly heart-stopping smile curled his lips. He took the little trio in with a look of pure familiarity and humor, nodding to himself.

“So… seems like the doctors are already in, apparently,” he breathed out with a small chuckle. Soft spoken, as always. He moved into the room with little difficulty, looking no worse for wear than he normally did. Easing himself onto the foot of Anna’s bed on the same side you were sat in the adjacent chair, he began scanning the same charts Martine had a few moments before. Seeming satisfied with what he saw there, he wheeled his head around to look at each Martine, Anna, and then you, curiosity and suspicion growing with each successive face. The three of you did your best to maintain expressions void of anything he could use against you, which of course ended up with you and Anna emphatically and pointedly ignoring Dr. Morbius’ eyes in the most obvious manner possible. Catching each others’ eyes, you had to press your lips together in a poor attempt to suppress a laugh. Anna did no such thing.

Anna’s sudden screams of laughter had the three adults in the room falling apart in a nanosecond, each of you trying desperately to stifle some of the very loud gasps for air your laughing fits were leaving you with. It was good to get Anna to laugh- she needed it. As for you, you were also exceedingly glad for the excuse to watch pure delight erupt onto Michael’s face, laughs coming from deep inside his narrow chest and bringing an extraordinary light to his whole body. You leaned onto Anna’s bed for support as you came down from the sudden high, and buried your face into her sheets in order to take a second to catch your breath. Martine had somehow ended up on the floor next to the bed on the opposite side, hand to her mouth to try and cover the smile. The four of you took the silent minute to just breathe and relax. It was nice. 

Until a small beeping sound broke the fond quiet in the little room, causing you to lift your head. Martine’s pager, you guessed. A guess that was immediately gratified when she sighed and hauled herself to her feet, turning to Anna with a light frown. 

“I’ve got to go. Lily needs something, and you know her- she’ll start throwing things at anyone who passes her room until she gets what she wants,” she said with fake disdain in her voice, a real smile reaching her eyes. “You let me know if you need anything, too, okay?” She put a hand on Anna’s shoulder and gave a gentle grin before shooting you and Michael a look of ‘get out of here and let her rest’. Anna nodded in agreement and waved Martine goodbye, looking to the two remaining doctors in the room. You dropped your head forward and let it hang there, knowing what was waiting for you once you took one step out that door: the commute home through New York on a Friday night. In other words? Hell. Luckily, someone caught your look before Anna could. He nudged you with his right foot, eliciting a small jump from you, which he noted and swallowed a smirk at. 

“Okay, Anna. It is officially bedtime for the both of us, meaning it is absolutely bedtime for you,” he said, pitching himself forward onto his crutches to stand and look at Anna with all the fondness in the world. 

“Why should I be forced to have a curfew when I’m dying here?” Anna protested, throwing her free hand up into the air.

“I’m sorry, but if all of these guys,” Michael motions a hand towards you and towards the door, following Martine’s departure, “force me, another rapidly dying person, to go to bed at a reasonable hour, I feel zero shame making you do it, too.” 

You roll your eyes at Doctor Death’s comment and chose to ignore it as you addressed Anna, too.

“Listen, if you want to ride that motorcycle I owe you, you’ve got to rest and heal,” you soothed, swiftly standing and raising her covers up a little higher than where they had fallen.

Anna’s eyes lit up at the mention of her waiting prize, and her grumbling subsided as Michael turned down the lights in her room. The two of you left, him first and you following. You slid the door to Anna’s room closed about halfway, leaving it open for the night watch nurses to get in. Turning to the good doctor behind you, you found him smiling at the floor. No, not at the floor, at something on the floor. A closer look granted you the image of… a… lopsided… pyramid. Embarrassment seized you as you hurled yourself down on one knee to snatch the little failure away from his knowing eyes, but you knew he had already seen it.

“Damn you and your lab coat pocket holes, Martine,” you groaned, not meeting Michael’s eyes as you stood from your position on the floor. You heard him reveling in polite hilarity and couldn’t even look in his direction, feeling your cheeks burn red-hot at the thought of him knowing you had tried and failed to emulate one of his little hobbies. Moving your arm with the intent to stuff the piece of rubbish into your jacket pocket, you felt a hand seize your forearm and had to adamantly suppress a shiver. You turned your head to watch as you felt the same hand move down to your own, where the paper was clutched in your iron grip. Except, as it turns out, no part of your body could deny Michael what he wants, and your once-stiff fingers betrayed you by uncurling and allowing his own slender fingers access to the little note. The exchange took maybe less than five seconds, but his hand dragging against your arm seemed to slow time to a standstill for you. The sounds of the busy hospital floor around you both hushed, allowing you two a miniscule bubble of Eden amidst the chaos of your fast-paced lives. Before he actually took the damned paper from your hand and held it up to inspect it closer. The sounds of Lab Floor Six resumed, and your bubble burst. 

“Contrary to the popular notion, you don’t seem happy that we get to go home now,” Michael mused, still studying your creation held between his middle finger and his thumb. You hesitated a moment, deciding which answer seemed the least pathetic between well if it was actually WE it would be fine and actually, I just hate going through the city alone. You permitted yourself a brief second to imagine what it would be like to actually go home with him, to catch a cab together, make your way to a shared apartment and argue about who would make what for dinner, call it even and just order in so that you could settle on the couch together and just bask in each other. You shook your head to clear the pitiful thoughts of longing from the forefront of your mind (because those images never truly left you), and finally glanced at his light but pensive expression. 

“Contrary to the popular notion, I actually happen to like my job and the people I work with,” you replied, as casually as you could manage. Which ended up decidedly not casual as his focus shifted from your pyramid to directly into your eyes, catching you staring at him. You quickly cleared your throat and spoke again, “plus, you know, this city is rough and I kind of hate going home the way I have to.”

“What’s the way that you ‘have to’ go home?” Every question he asks is so hushed, you felt compelled to lean in to be able to fully hear him.

Blinking away what you could only guess to be literal hearts coming out of your eyes, you told him of the complicated series of subways you had to take to go home in order to avoid the street, which made you nervous to travel on alone, despite the years you’ve lived in the city.

 He seemed to digest your answer, turned his head away, and smiled to himself, satisfied with the response, and, much to your dismay, pocketed your origami attempt. He hummed as he thought to himself, expression dropping to one of contemplation as he focused himself inwards. It’s not rare to see Michael in this state, but it is unique for you to see it up close, with the excuse to stare at him like this and not feel like you’re gawking. You stayed like that another minute, standing together outside Anna’s room, him pondering hard on something and you just blatantly admiring him for it. He pulled himself out of whatever reverie he had himself in and refocused his gaze on you, having made up his mind. Sharp eyes bored into your curious ones, shattering whatever thought process you had going on.

“I’ll take you home,” he stated simply.

If you could find the correct way to explain how much you inwardly reeled at that, you would. As it is, all you know is that it took everything in you to be able to maintain your composure, breath catching in your lungs and your pulse skyrocketing at the thought of being driven home…by… him…? Wait, how did he even get home? Could he drive? How did you not know this?

He laughed.

“Jurgen helped me create a system to allow me to drive with some assistance. I’d wager you didn’t know that because I don’t like having others in the car with me, in case the mechanism faults,” he murmurs. 

“Shit, did I actually say that out loud?” you blurted, eyes going wide. “Because the other explanation is that you can read minds which would make sense sometimes.”

He shook his head, letting a small sound of amusement out at your question. 

Of course you had said it aloud, dumbass. 

You coughed in an attempt to transition the conversation to something else, anything else. 

“So if you don’t like having people along with you then why are you inviting me? Clearly you don’t care for your safety but I’d have never guessed you don’t care for mine,” you teased.

That got his head to snap towards you, expression stricter than has ever been directed at you.

“Of course I care about your safety, but I know you won’t distract me too much, or hover over me and backseat drive. Others would take my focus away from what is actually a rather simple task, but you’re much easier to exist with.” 

That knocked the air right out of you, though for better or worse you can’t tell. Should you be upset that you don’t even offer the devastating doctor a modicum of temptation for distraction, or overjoyed that he is willing to break a personal rule of his for you? While you filed away the former in your mind to deal with at a later date, the latter fully possessed your body. 

Tipping your head to the side, allowing a small victory smile to grace your face, you asked, “So that's why you prefer a smaller team, to limit distractions? I didn’t know people had that effect on you, made you feel like that.”

He cocked his head to the side, mirroring your own as he gazed out of a nearby window to consider his answer.

“I feel suffocated with large groups of people, like they’re expecting one of two things from me: to keel over right then and there, or to spout some genius idea that’ll save more lives. I don’t like all of that pressure. So, I limit myself to a few relationships in order to not feel the compounding effect of all of their expectations.”

“All of… ‘their’ expectations? So you don’t feel that pressure with some of us?” You were basically holding your breath at this point to hear every second of his response.

He turned his head back to you with a trusting smirk.

“Not with you.”

[captaincravatthecapricious]

You Don’t Understand- Prompt Fill

Jon has a rough time after being absent for 6 months.

Write as a prompt fill gotten through A03

CW fainting, victim blaming, withdrawal/starvation symptoms (from statements) (I am a bit vague about which it is more like because I couldn't choose, so a bit of both), trust issues, very brief Peter Lukas mention, brief mention of someone being touched while unconscious (nonsexual and very brief mention), and cw for some very mixed feelings about Georgie.  I understand her, and I don't hate her, but I don't really like her either so please don't get mad at me for how she is written I am trying to do her justice and I get why she does the things she does, but I don't have to like her for it.

Thanks for reading hope you enjoy! I have a few more bingo prompts to post, but only one more to write!  Feel free to stick it in my inbox and if no one does, well you will just have to put up with whatever whim strikes me this weekend when I will write it for a backlog!  Card by the wonderful @celosiaa​

It’s been six months.  How has it been six months?  

Jon isn’t sure how he is supposed to think about that time.  Is it all supposed to feel like a dream, that one moment he’s blowing up, the next he’s awake?  

It doesn’t feel like that.  

But he also wasn’t really there for six months, was he?   

He sighs deeply to himself.  It doesn’t matter.  

It doesn’t matter.  

He’s alive.  

He’s fine.  

Martin and Tim are sharing a flat, apparently.  And that’s good.  He thinks?  Maybe?  

They keep telling him there is room for him, but he isn’t sure he can believe that…. Not after everything with Tim.  He wants to believe it…  But… what if Martin doesn’t want him there.  He thought maybe they had a moment before the Unknowing, but did they?  

Jon’s not good with…. Feelings.  With people.  

Not to mention he’s been Gone.  With a capital G and a flatline of a heartrate.  

Even if he and Martin could possibly have…  Could possibly have had something.  Of some unknowable sort.  That he couldn’t have hoped to put a word to for fear that it would crumble around him.  But he’s been gone and Tim hasn’t been and they seem close now.  

And maybe Tim is trying again with him?  But how can he be sure?  When everything is confusing and out of sync with what he thought of time.  

Not to mention the deep hunger that is more than hunger.  Deeper in his gut, and harder to ignore.  Followed by a fog of confusion and the sense that his skin is too tight, that the world is the wrong temperature, and that everything is tilted ever so slightly, making it impossible to keep his balance.  

Reading statements helps, but… Basira… but Georgie.  The disappointed glares they send his way when he skulks off to read one in hopes of feeling like his limbs are his again…. That he isn’t being slowly set on fire or slowly frozen.  The world skirting by him with a vengeful glee leaving him to rot in his own misery on the shelf in the stacks he’s been calling home recently.  

Martin wasn’t there when he woke up…. Working for the ever elusive Peter Lukas.  Tim wasn’t there… Martin later telling him he’d been afraid of scaring him.  Which Jon couldn’t escape the worry that, in actuality, it was Martin worrying that Tim would scare Jon… or hurt him.  Which Jon could tell was the more valid of the worries.  Or he thinks it is?  How is he supposed to be certain.  How can he trust anyone?  How is he supposed to trust anyone when Basira gives him such calculating stares, when Melanie glares metaphorical and literal daggers at him, when Georgie has been ignoring his texts (and her harsh words upon his waking).  When Martin is working for a literal monster.  When Daisy is gone… and Jon doesn’t know how to feel.  He wants Basira to be happy, but he feels safer without her.  And he doesn’t know how to feel about anything but he is sick and hungry and cold and hollow.  

There is no one.  

Georgie doesn’t understand.   

He runs into her once, picking Melanie up for therapy.  After…. An unwise abrupt and shady surgery.  

He is in the breakroom.  Baffled that Martin is still making him tea when he hardly sees him around.  Even more baffled when Tim makes him another cup.  

What does it all mean?  

(Not to mention his confusion at the green hair… that had been a shock.

When he texted Martin about it, he said to ask Tim, and included an emoji that Jon couldn’t parse out.  Weren’t emojis supposed to be easier to read than actual faces?  It was maybe resigned?  Or maybe regretful?

Regretful of what?  Is he ashamed of something?  Is he regretful that he opened a text from Jon, that Jon turned down the request to move in?  It isn’t that Jon wanted to turn it down.  

But it sounds too good to be true?  When everyone avoids him at work… Well Tim doesn’t, but Jon is scared of being alone with Tim.  He is scared of this kindness and how long it might last.)

So he’s in the breakroom.  

Trying to steady himself the less monstrous and terrifying way.  

And Georgie is there.  

Jon shrinks back on himself.  Still hoping the mug of tea will make his hands steadier, make him less cold, less shaky, less miserable.  But he’s having difficulty holding it with one shaky hand, white knuckling his cane with the other.  Trying not to let it tremble as much as the rest of him, propping himself up when black spots start eating at his vision.  Not in the POTS sort of way… but in the same way that has been since America.  Since that first hint of fear that maybe… maybe he’s not human, that he is reliant on some horrifying eldritch god of knowledge.  

This is the price of him waking up.  

And it chews him up from the inside when, in his panic, he tries to limit his consumption hoping that it will turn him back.  Hoping that he still has a chance to win back the people he cares about, but fighting the fear that this is the only way to save them all.  

He doesn’t know what to do.  Being undead doesn’t come with a manual.  

And there is no chance that Georgie will take this any better than she did when she kept telling him to quit… to just stop.  

He’s trying!  

It’s been a few days since his last statement, and the world swims before his eyes whenever he stands.  Worse than it ever has.  He’s woken up on the floor more times in the few weeks he’s been alive again than in the long and confusing months leading up to his diagnosis.  

Which was after Georgie… which… means she hasn’t seen him like this.  Not when he was living with her because he has been managing, or so he thought, but hell maybe the Eye had a hand in that.  

And oh Shit, she is looking at him now.  

What does he do if she wants to talk?  She hasn’t responded to any of his texts, or late night calls when he’s been too afraid to call anyone else and she always felt safe.  Even when they were fighting.  But she hasn’t been there for him.  No one has, of late.  Except the people who are trying and Jon is too confused to know what to do so he does nothing and an all-consuming guilt joins in with that Hunger.  That sickness eating him from the inside with every word he doesn’t consume.  

“Hi Jon.”  

He can’t say anything.  He’s been standing too long, but seeing her there, he is frozen.  Fight or Flight breaking down to freeze.  Has he always been such a coward?  

Yes.  

Yes he has.  A miserable coward since he was a child.  Getting into trouble trying to try to prove to himself that he isn’t.  

Christ he’s dizzy.  But she’s still talking.  

“Jon, you really oughtn’t be here.  You don’t look well.  Shouldn’t you still be resting?  That long in hospital should have you in need of some physical therapy.  Are you pushing yourself too hard?”

Jon bites down on the urge to snap at her.  Or start crying.  Or simply pass out and not have to deal with this conversation at all.  “I need to be here,” he says quietly.  Afraid that expelling too much air will knock him over.  

“And why is that?  Really Jon, I swear…  Melanie says you haven’t been eating , or sleeping, but she sees  you here at all hours.  Why?  What is this all for?  It’s just a job, I don’t care if there are Monsters or whatever.  You see this?  This is why I can’t deal with you right now!  Not to mention what you did to Melanie.  What the hell, Jon?  You say you’re trying to save the world, but maybe you can’t?  Maybe you need to save yourself before you can do anything else.”

Jon just wants to get away before he goes down, and by this point he knows that is inevitable.  Maybe get to his office, and open a statement first.  Maybe that will help, or maybe it will make him feel better once he comes around.  He should put down his tea.  He doesn’t want the mug to break if he can’t make it.  He’ll set it on the table on the way out, or wait until he’s in  the bullpen and put it down and take a seat and hope that helps.  He tries to edge around her, staring at the floor.  Careful not to say anything that could compel.  Just wanting to get out.  “Have work to do… sorry.”  

“No you don’t!  Look at yourself, Jon!  Work can wait!”  

Jon just wants to leave.  He wishes it could!  He does.  He wants nothing more than to take a vacation.  To move in with Martin and Tim and have a life.  A home.  Safety.  Normalcy.  And Argument over who finished the milk and who has to do the shopping and not about how best to not die at the hands of Fear Gods, and how best to not serve them.  “Please, Georgie you don’t understand…”  

He backs away.  Fuck he’s dizzy.  

“No, Jon I don’t.  Explain.  What am I missing.  Why do you have to do this?  Why do you insist on working yourself into your grave?  It’s already basically killed you.  Maybe some of us don’t want to see you do that again?”

“I… I…  I need a Statement….”  Well so much for getting away.  He’s not even going to make it to a chair or the floor on his own.  “Hold this, I’m… I think I’m going to faint now.”  He holds his cane out to her.  

She takes it confused.  

Jon doesn’t remember hitting the floor.  

When he comes around, his head is pounding.  

Georgie is touching him.  He is on his side, and he is being yelled at.  He can’t make out the words yet… all just in a haze of pain and confusion and feeling like utter shit.  He tries to bat her hands away but he can’t and so he just lays there.  Hoping some feeling comes back to his limbs soon.  Or that Georgie will just get bored and leave him there.  

But then Martin is there.  And Tim.  

And Martin is shooing Georgie out of his personal space.  “He doesn’t like being touched while he’s out.”  

Well…  correct.  

“What the hell just happened?”  Georgie.  

“Well… it happens sometimes.  Did he say anything?”  Martin again.  

“Something about needing Statement?”

“Tim, could you grab him a Statement?”  

“Sure thing, back in a mo.”  Tim.  More earnest than Jon has heard him in a long time.  Tim helping him?  If he wasn’t already on the floor, he might have fainted again at that.  

“What, you’re just going to go along with it?  Let him work himself to death?  Look at him!  He isn’t well!  …I don’t know why I am arguing this.  He’s an adult and if he is going to do that, I don’t need to be a part of this.  It isn’t my job to baby sit him.”  Georgie shoves his cane at Martin, who doesn’t freeze.  In fact, as far as Jon can tell through half lidded eyes, Martin looks angry.  

“Look.  I know we don’t know each other well.  But do you really think so poorly of Jon… of me?  I don’t know what he’s told you… but he needs those Statements to live.  I don’t know if it’s ….a food… or… or an addiction.  But … he doesn’t do well without them.  And… And Elias was feeding them to him when he wasn’t here.  And Jon told me how you didn’t want them in the flat, but he got sick in America.  Really really sick, and … and Elias found him there and fed him another one.  He didn’t know until then.  But… you have to know we can’t quit.  And we aren’t sure if Jon can live without these.  And it is a far from ideal situation… but we are working on it.  You don’t have to like it.  Or talk to Jon, although you should.  You aren’t enabling him, he needs a support system.  And he’s just too thick to see that Tim and I are here from him, and everyone else is giving him the cold shoulder… so I don’t blame him for being too thick to notice!  Not to mention, my new position has made interacting with him during work hours… difficult, but I can’t blame him for not wanting to move in yet, although I hope he will.  And you!  The only person not in this mess who he trusts, ignores him.  Blames him!  Maybe you should try listening?  I get it… you can’t deal with him right now.  Fine.  I get it.  Do what you have to.  You don’t have to look after him at your own expense.  But don’t be cruel.  …Oh good.  Tim, thanks.  When he comes around, a Statement and some tea will set him right.”  Martin smiles at Tim (a smile that makes Jon jealous) and gives Georgie a cool look.  

“Marto, I think he’s been awake for most of that.”  Tim is crouched by him.  

“Haven’t been eavesdropping, promise.  Just… just getting my bearings.  I’m fine.  I’ll be up soon.”  Jon’s voice is rough.  Misery, unshed tears, exhaustion.  Take your pick.  

“It’s okay, buddy.  We’ll get you fixed up and then you can have a proper rest.  Offer of the flat share is still open, okay?”  Tim hovers, ready to help him sit when he’s ready.  

Jon… doesn’t know what to say.  After hearing Martin defend him… Maybe… Maybe he can start working on trusting Tim again.  Tim… is, after all, working on trusting him too.  

Georgie looks down at him.  He can’t read her expression.  She looks at him for a long moment.  

The gaze isn’t uncomfortable by itself.  But Jon feels exposed on the floor.  Small and helpless and weak as well as supernaturally hungry, that not at all helped by his “surprise nap.”  

He tries to avoid meeting her eyes.  

“I’m… sorry I didn’t listen.  I… still can’t do this with you right now.  But… I’m sorry.  I can’t be your friend now, but… let me know if you want some pictures of the Admiral ever, okay?”  And she leaves.  Off to bring Melanie to her appointment.  

Leaving Jon with Martin and Tim.   

Who bring him to his sad excuse for a bed, tuck him in with a statement and a cup of tea and tell him to call if he needs anything.  And Jon thinks, maybe he will reconsider their offer.  

[inevitably-johnlocked]

can we adress how toxic some of these self/harm and suicide fics are?? as someone who has struggled with these issues, treating them as just a way for the two characters to get together, or one character to be the savior who cures someone of their problems? I'm so frickin over it. continuing to put your partner in limbo by threatening this behavior when they don't give you enough attention is a symptom of something major. This is not something i like seeing romanticized. at all.

[CONTENT WARNING FOR ENTIRE POST: heavy discussions of trauma, suicide, self harm, depression, political issue mentions, and eating disorders. Please proceed with care. I am not cutting the post because I think the message is important, so scroll past until my icon disappears <3 Stay safe, My Lovelies.]

Hey Nonny

Okay, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here because you mention you DO have struggles with these issues, so I’m going to state right up front here and say I AM NOT DISREGARDING YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AT ALL. Your view of this topic is valid, and it’s not something I am ever going to say is wrong for you. 

I would like to offer an olive branch, here, Nonny, and give you an alternative take on this, because I’m concerned that perhaps you are still coping with your own struggles and in return, you unwittingly and unintentionally are coming off as unsympathetic to other people’s coping mechanisms.

I KNOW how hard it is to see another view when yours is the only one that seems right, especially after a tragedy or after dealing with heavy things. But all I am asking is for you to temporarily extend some empathy as I discuss my thoughts in this post, and I apologize in advance if I come off as dickish, because, again, it’s hard to see past your own feelings, and I tend to give a “firm but understanding” approach to asks like this. It’s NOT meant to call you our personally. Just asking for an open mind.

I will tackle this ask in a similar fashion to this post here, which talks about shipping vs fetishization so CW for that, as well as like this post here, where we discuss pet peeves. My assumption here is that Nonny is unsure about what “romanticizing” actually entails, and how much this ask is basically Gatekeeping Fiction 101, a thing that’s been going on since the beginning of storytelling. The ask is perceived by me to be emotionally unaware of how unsympathetic it actually sounds, and in turn can unintentionally upset people who engage in these stories.

First thing’s first, Nonny, and I said it before, I GET IT. I understand what you’re going for here, why you feel it’s toxic, and why you think it shouldn’t exist. Here’s the thing, though: what you’re ACTUALLY calling for here is censorship and gatekeeping because YOU PERSONALLY take issue with something, want the fandom specially curated just for you, because it PERSONALLY OFFENDS YOU. And that, it itself, is what’s really toxic, here. Just because YOU are offended, does not mean that it’s not helpful to SOMEONE ELSE, and it’s selfish to make such a demand of people.

Let me explain.

As I mention in the link above re: shipping, many people read and write fics to cope with the reality of their own experiences. Nonny, your experience is NOT the same as someone else’s. Your pain is NOT universal, and you DON’T KNOW what that author has been through; for all you know, they spent 6 months in-hospital after attempting suicide, and they are now simply processing their trauma through storytelling. 

Or, “continuing to put your partner in limbo by threatening this behavior when they don't give you enough attention” ? It’s a VERY REAL THING that ACTUALLY happens in real life, and perhaps it happened to that author, or they want to write an alternate ending to their pain.

Or, “one character to be the saviour who cures someone of their problems?” is something a suicide survivor WISHES someone did for them. Because they feel alone in the world and don’t want to be alone anymore.

These stories are simply escapism for people, either to learn about or share what these mental illnesses do to people, or are the “fantasies” of survivors, of their ideal outcome to their own tragedies. Coping with guilt over the loss of someone they feel they could have saved. The brutal truth about realty.

And sometimes, it is because some people need a good cry and a feel-good happy ending, because real life? Well, it rarely has those happy endings and so few opportunities to let us cry, and sometimes life is just easier when we view it through the eyes of fictional characters. Do you not want someone to save you sometimes Nonny? And I mean metaphorically here, too. Someone to just take all of your hellish burdens off those shoulders for one day. Someone who will come in to save you from yourself. I know I do.

And, well, sometimes, Nonny, it makes people feel less alone in this socially distanced world.

They’re not glorifying that issue Nonny. They’re telling their story.

Here are some thoughts:

Romanticization: Some trendy teen outlet selling a shirt with “mentally diseased” written across it.

NOT Romanticization: A character in a story coming to terms with a diagnosis of mental illness and learning ways to adapt. Their partner is involved 100% and they learn together.

Romanticization: Sherlock merchandise being sold with “I’m a high functioning sociopath” (not mention ableist as all heck)

NOT Romanticization: A character self-harms because of depression, and character B helps the character through their pain and together they get proper therapy and treatment.

Romanticization: Calling yourself “OMG I’m so bipolar!” because it’s trendy.

NOT Romanticization: A clinically depressed author, who survived a suicide attempt, wanting to tell their story through characters the world is already familiar with, and one that a touchy subject can be expressed and understood by other people, because they’re not ready to write the “real” book. Fandom is a safety net for them.

See what I mean Nonny? We don’t KNOW what kind of pain these authors have PERSONALLY been through, and to censor them from having their voices heard and their stories told is just not on for me.

And let me be clear: YES OF COURSE romanticization happens EVERYWHERE. I am not denying that. But your ask is coming off like EVERY STORY EVER WRITTEN is glorification of something. By your logic:

Disabled people shouldn’t write about their disabilities because they’re romanticising themselves.

The authors with medical degrees shouldn’t write realistic med-fics because some where in the world, ONE person MAY HAVE had a similar experience as Character A and B.

Someone broke their foot in ballet so they shouldn’t write a story about a ballet dancer who broke their hip because it may offend ONE ballerina SOMEWHERE in space and time who got sideline at the prime of their career? 

Stories about LGBT+ people shouldn’t be written because homophobes think it’s icky.

We shouldn’t write about wizards because it offends high school catholic pastors (an actual thing that happened)? 

How about cancer stories because kids die of cancer all the time? 

Non-fiction autobiographies about holocaust survivors is not okay.

Science books offend flat earthers, so we shouldn’t write those.

Books about the Big Bang and a 4.5 billion-year-old earth offends creationists, so burn those.

A now-adult child rape victim writing their survival stories to help get their often-in-power abusers behind bars are taboo.

True crime stories from detectives on those cases shouldn’t be told because they weren’t the victim.

Non-fiction in general because someone somewhere may have had that one singular thing happen to them.

How about coping with grief over a parent’s sudden death because I personally might find offense in that since that was a horridly traumatic experience in my life?

Do you see how progressively out of touch this argument is? (the answer to all of these: authors should be allowed to write them, because stories make us human). Your argument leads down the very dangerous path to censorship of books, the internet, and history... to have people only read and learn what someone else dictates, leading to... well.

I’m not trying to be a dick here, Nonny, I’m really not. But I think you’re really missing the entire point of fiction and story telling. I feel you’re failing in the empathy game here, and failing to understand what romanticizing really actually is. 

Whenever I get asks like this, I always feel like the Nonnies don’t really know much about pre-Ao3. I come from “early internet” fandom age, and I’m talking before tags existed. Back when I had to go buy a book at Coles and guess what was in it based on a cover description. No “amazon reviews”. No “harmful content warning” stickers. You just picked up that book, and sometimes you get a sweet story about a friends exploring an alien landscape, and other times WHOOOPS ACCIDENTAL ALIEN SEX I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR. And sometimes, it ended with a dark story about death, and the reality of coping with it.

Twenty years ago, books on the shelves at bookstores and libraries were the only place you could do your reading and they certainly do NOT have tags on them... Modern tagging of stories are a REALLY recent thing introduced probably no less than 15 years ago and was perfected by Ao3 (which was started in 2009). 

These days, there is no excuse if you only consume fanfiction on Ao3. Fics are tagged with proper possible-trigger tags 90% of the time. They have a VERY METICULOUS filtering system. You aren’t being forced to read the fics, you don’t have to read the fics, so use those tag filters, they exist for a reason.

So, with that in mind, I genuinely DON’T GET this attitude about people wanting everything sugar coated and saccharine by default. Especially when you can LITERALLY CURATE YOUR OWN CONTENT. Life isn’t sugar coated. And fiction shouldn’t have to be either. People tag fics with triggers for a reason.

As they used to say back in my early internet days: Don’t like it? Don’t read it. Don’t comment, skip, next story.

And to put this ALL into perspective, so that you don’t think I’m talking out of my ass, I’m going to reveal something here: Do you know what fics I can’t read, Nonny, because they trigger me? Eating disorders. That’s self harm, Nonny, in a very different way. But you know what? I know that those fics DO help other ED people so I’m not going to sit her and tell people NOT to rec or write them. And some of those authors who write those stories are processing their own ED through those stories, healing in their own way. And you know what I do when I see one of those fics? I don’t read them, move on, next story.

I’m sorry if you perceive this as me being harsh with you here, Nonny, and you DON’T have to agree with me and you can block me and never talk to me again, and I’ll understand. As I stated at the beginning, I’m offering an alternative perspective, and helping you to see that some people take comfort in these types of stories.

I think what this all boils down to Nonny, after all of this, and rereading your question a final time to see if I missed covering anything, is that (and feel free to shit on me if I am wrong here) I’m getting the impression – as an unprofessional outsider looking in – that you’re still struggling with your inner demons, whether you realize it or not. The tone and brashness of your ask has me believing this... It feels like it was written after a trigger-moment and you needed to vent AT someone because you are alone, and that hurts my heart so much. I truly hope you find peace in your mind, soon, and I hope you have someone to talk to professionally, or at least a friend. (tw under link, suicidal ideation discussion and links to phone numbers that can help you). I only wish the best for you, my Nonny.

Anyway. I welcome other people to chime in here, respectfully, and let me know if I have the wrong take here. Because I genuinely don’t think I do, but I am not a professional, so my entire thing that took me 3 hours to write here is probably moot. I’m especially interested (on anon in my asks if you’re not comfy with revealing yourselves) on thoughts from other people who have survived the original topics here, as well as any therapists and authors as well.

Take care of yourself Nonny. And please curate your own content for your mental health. Ao3 has an “exclusionary tag system” as well, please use it. *hugs*

[little-silly-bear]

Hello Cookie!! Can you explain autism symptoms for me?

Hi dear! Well it’s a very big argument and I want to talk about my experience that is different from others on the spectrum since every person is unique. I was diagnosed the last year and it was a shock since I’m 23 and I lived my whole life thinking “what is wrong with me? Why I just can’t get friends or having a conversation like the others?” Tumblr literally saved me, I saw a lot of post of regressors that are on the autism spectrum and I was like “Wait..that isn’t normal? I mean not everyone do that?”. So I did a loooot and I mean a looooot of researches on this argument, I tried to study more that I could and I found myself at home.

I can try to summarise the big symptoms for you (I’m not an expert I’m just a kiddo pls don’t be mean if I say or spell something wrong it’s also 5 am here) :

Sensory issues-it means that you have one or more senses very high, you’re sensitive to touch, smells, tastes, sounds or sights and they are more but I don’t remember those ahah! You can have all of them or a mix of them, usually they are more that one. You can’t stand having targets on your shirt, some kind of fabrics drives you crazy and you just really need that blanket to live a regular life and can’t understand why? Yeah me too. Most of the time they are bad, like some sounds literally makes me crazy, in high school I spent a terrible time because no one believed that I felt pain for certain sounds or lights. But I try my best to concentrate on what makes me happy like the fluffy blankets, not having socks, sleeping with a weight blanket, walking with my cancelling headphones and the taste of a cheesy pizza. You just need to listen to your brain if that light is too much please, when possible turning off, your health comes first! I tried to suppress this feelings my whole life to make other people “comfortable” aroun me but not anymore! If a room is too crowded and I literally hear every person talking, I usually feel very sick and need to recharge in another room. When I was a kid and my parents used to take me to the mall I literally fainted, they thought it was something that makes me unique but now we now it was my body reacting to overstimulation.

Having trouble socialising and in building relationships. This was the first criteria that convinced my therapist that I needed a test. As I told before I never get other people, they seemed like a different species to me and if I wanted a friend I needed to work really hard on acting and behaving like them. Obviously I failed every single time because I couldn’t resist more than few weeks? Also this was around elementary/middle school when in my head I needed friends like a task to do 😂 when I realised that I was way more happier by myself I didn’t try it again! But for me, like a lot of us is difficult because everything is built in a way that isn’t ours, every single conversation is based on a neurotypical way. The small talks, the chit chat, I never get this things, why we need to talk about the weather when we can talk about how cool is the Pokémon Go game? Do you know what I mean? I think you does. Also big tip try to talk with a person on the autism spectrum and see if you’re more comfortable and tuned with them, I had three friends irl ,we’re all on the spectrum and let me tell you that is so much easier talk and keeping a relationship when you both understand each other.

Special interests!! Omg! Pls don’t get me started I will never end this post 😂 they literally saved my life, I didn’t know they were special interest until my therapist told me but let me tell you that I have a lot of them!!! Special interests are one or more subjects that you have a deep, almost professional, passion about. They can be simple, scholastic or very complex topic. And you don’t need to be an encyclopaedia to prove that is your special interest, the same fact that you have something that you reaaaaaally love talking about and can’t stop learning more and more about it makes it valid. Let me tell you that at the age 10 I learned Japanese because I fell in love with Japan culture, I didn’t have internet I studied from books and old movies/animes. I never thought that was a special interest because for me it was just my way of loving something.

Stimming. This is something that our dear cousins with ADHD have in common with us. Most of the times someone in the autism spectrum have also adhd and viceversa but it isn’t always the case. Stimming is a natural process to express our emotions, it comes naturally and it’s like an electric feelings (for me) it’s something that you can’t stop and if you tried to suppress it will grow and make you feel worst (not like in a tic or ocd way more in a mental state). Everyone stim, people stimming to music is very acceptable and well viewed by the society but people like us need to stim to express our emotional state. I personally suppressed my stims for so many years because of bad teachers that im still trying to relearn most of them. It’s a common thing to having your diagnosis or starting to accept your autistic traits and then see your stims grow like never before! Most are gestures like flappy hands or jumping when you’re happy or if you ate a good food but they could be everything like chewing, singing, humming, bouncing legs, hair wrapping, scratching, eating nails, watching aesthetic photos, listening a song on repeat or clapping hands.

They’re more and more things to add in this list but I already did a long post and I got so excited for this question that I forgot to take my meds 😂 I tried to summarise with the points that my therapist told me were the most relevant for my diagnosis. Let me know if you need more advices, my dms are always open for you little beans that need help or tips from your big sibling! Have a good day and happy stimming to everyone 💕

[dxmedstudent]

I go in tomorrow for an MRI. They are looking for lesions, tumors or some sort of anomaly on my brain. I have never felt so helpless in my life. Is there any thing you recommend to calm down? I’m trying to be strong and keep it together but I want to cry so bad. I just don’t know what to do. This feels like a hell of a way to end being 31.

Hey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks. I hope you get an answer soon, and I'll be sending you my best wishes and hoping that you get good news. It's hard. It's hard to distract yourself and it's hard to wait around and carry on with your normal life with this kind of thing going on in the background. And if you happen to work in the medical field (which you may well not, but given that you follow me, there's an above average chance you might) then it's harder because we're literally surrounded with this stuff. Based on my personal experience (since I turned 30, I've had three different two week wait, lumps and bumps 'could it be cancer?' referrals, so I know the feeling), I'd say that the best thing to do is whatever brings you comfort - whether that's a favourite pasttime or just watching a crappy movie and having a hot drink. If you need to be alone, be alone. If you feel like you need other people around, then confide in someone you can trust.

I won't try to give you facts and figures because we both know that even though at our age it's probably not serious, that doesn't stop us from worrying. And even if theres's a small chance of it being serious, until that chance is effectively zero, we're still going to be scared. I certainly still was, even when I thought my odds of cancer were low. But even despite that, I did personally try to reason with myself that statistically, my odds were good. And that if something is found earlier, it's easier to treat. I'd try to remind myself that if it is the worst, there are still lots of things that can be done. The last time it happened, I slipped into doctor mode regarding myself - sort of detached, as if it was someone else waiting to hear that an abnormal lump wasn't cancer, rather than that this was literally my body. But if you feel like crying, it's OK to cry. It's OK to feel like this is unfair, and stupid and that you don't deserve to be going through this uncertainty and potential diagnoses. The first time I faced a 'could it be cancer' diagnosis, I felt sad and angry- I was in a particularly horrible job and remember vividly not wanting to waste what life I had left in a job that made me feel that shitty. It's OK to feel horrible and to acknowledge that uncertainty. I'm quite a crybaby so for me it's pretty therapeutic sometimes to let myself feel upset and process my feelings, before I then get up and deal with it and get on with the business of trying to be strong. For me, acknowledging how sad and angry I felt helped me to then put myself first. Depending on what kind of appointment you have tomorrow, you may not receive the results for a little while, so I would prepare for the fact that you may need to go easy on yourself for a couple of weeks. Is there anyone who can go with you, or at least wait for you and give you some moral support? I usually take someone when I have this kind of appointment, if possible (or meet up with someone after) to make sure I'm well supported. Take every day as it comes. Try to go easy on yourself. Do things that bring you comfort. Forgive yourself if you're not being your best self. This uneasy and uncertain time won't last forever. I'll be thinking of you. If you can, let me know how it goes.

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Sakura's First Guitar Lesson

Hi everyone! It's been a while since I've posted some writing here because most of the time I use my a03. For Sk8Tember writing athon I originally wanted to do Fairy Tale day which is tomorrow. However, since I'm currently in the middle of changing up my writing style from first person to third person to try and be a better writer I thought that it would be for the best that I pick Instrument Day because guess what? Today is my birthday! I'm now officially 22 years old even if I don't look or act like it. I'm here to celebrate my birthday with everyone by sharing my new writing with all of you.

Songs mentioned in the fic:

La Via Strangiato: Rush

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eK1hmDpa8bo

The Long And Winding Road: The Beatles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR4HjTH_fTM

Let It Be: The Beatles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDYfEBY9NM4

Sakura Nanjo rocked back and forth on her heels outside of the music studio that she had her first lessons in. Since she told her parents that the thing she wanted to do more than anything in the world was to learn how to play the bass guitar just like her hero, they had been encouraging. Haru even found that he had a profound interest in learning how to play the drums. In reality, he wanted to do it so that his sister wouldn’t feel alone in wanting to try something new. He would never admit that to her though. There were some things that his sister did not need to know. She would never let him live it down if she knew the actual reason why he was so adamant about learning to play the drums.

“Sakura, if you keep doing that you’re going to wear yourself out. I know that you’re excited but it’s really starting to freak me out.” Her best friend, Miya Chinen, reminded her lightly with that same small smile that he often had when he was around her. He couldn’t help but find this childish and excitable side of her adorable. She would always be cute in his mind but especially when she got excited about the simplest of things. Like learning how to play an instrument that had always spoken to her.

“I can’t help it! I’m excited, I’m nervous, part of my brain is screaming at me because what if this is a really bad idea and what if I’m not any good at this thing that I’ve never tried before and change is terrifying and-“ He lightly put his arm around his best friend cutting off her word vomit. She only got like this when she was way past nervous and her brain to mouth filter failed her.

“Change is scary but it can also be good for you. You told me so yourself that this is something you’ve wanted to do for all your life right?” Sakura nodded her head nervously trying to stop this anxiety from bubbling up inside of her. With the recent diagnosis of aspergers syndrome she’s still learning to cope with the help of her friends and family.

“Well yeah, I’ve always loved the idea of playing music. Especially bass guitar because of my fixation on Rush and on Geddy Lee as a whole.” She argued and he just chuckled lightly at his best friend. Leave it to her to want to do something that could potentially become life altering just because her favorite singer did it too.

“Then I think that it would be a great experience for you to have if it’s something that you really want to do. It’ll make you happy and give you a hobby that you didn’t have before. You really need to have more hobbies other than cooking Saki.” She sighed knowing that her best friend was right as she looked over at the music studio.

“I know that it’s bad. But this could be something that I get really passionate about. I already know that it won’t necessarily be easy. Nothing really ever is easy for me.” She looked down at her skateboard tracing the end of her Haku dragon sticker before sighing slightly. Nobody ever did anything by being anxious about every little change that they came across. If that was the case then most of her favorite music would have never come to exist.

“Skating came rather easily for you after you got those grips for your feet. You just needed to distribute your weight easier than the way that you were.” Miya argued lightly hating that she would get like this sometimes. She shouldn’t ever have the need to feel sad. He preferred her when her ruby red eyes lit up with happiness rather than downcast and saddened like they were right now.

“Yeah that doesn’t mean that I’ll be good at this though… what if all of this is just me being childish?” She just sighed burying her head in her hands. Now that she had been told to stop being so overly excited the dread was starting to sink in. Her playing bass guitar? Yeah and the moon is secretly made of cheese.

“I don’t think that it’s you being childish. I think that it’s you trying to make yourself into a better version of yourself. You’re clearly not happy and you barely do anything for yourself simply because you want to. Saki you can’t know that you suck at something if you’ve never really tried it before. I know that you can do this because you’re the bravest person that I’ve ever met. You can literally do anything that you set your mind to. If you can dream it you can do it.” He comforted her and watched as slowly the light came back to her eyes.

“You’re right! I can do this, and I’ll be good at it as long as I work hard enough at it. I know that I can do this.” She clenched her left fist and shook it up at the sky daring anyone to tell her otherwise. If you asked Miya, this was the first thing that he really noticed about her that was different. He never met anyone that was as determined to do their best until he met Sakura. Her determination to defy every obstacle inspired him to push past his limits as well.

“That’s the stubborn best friend that I know and love.” He lightly teased and she looked down at her lap picking up the instrument that was there. The second that Kaoru found out his beloved daughter wanted to learn to play bass guitar he found the best one that he could through hours of off the clock research. He wanted his little girl to be happy and if this is what would make her happy and confident in her own wicked way then he would do everything that he felt within his power to do so. The guitar that he had eventually chosen for her was a lilac colored and sparkly one that he thought just suited his little girl’s personality.

“Shut up, I know I’m super stubborn already. It’s why me and Haru struggle so hard to see eye to eye because he’s just as stubborn as I am if not more.” She huffed a breath thinking about the argument that her and her brother had gotten into last night. It had been about something so stupid but it had just got blown way out of proportion and now she wasn’t sure if things were going to be awkward around him for a while. It had been about who was going to make dinner that night and Haru just blew up at her. Of course, never to back down from a fight the only thing that Sakura did was yell right back at him.

“He’ll forgive you eventually Saki. He always does you’ll go home and there will be forgive me cookies on the table for you. Besides he’s usually the one who yells first and knows that you will yell back. I’ve never once seen you actually pick the fight with him personally.” Miya hated when Haru would purposefully try and ruin her mood. He knew that he was just going through his own personal hell as he was still in the early stages of transitioning but he didn’t need to take his anger and aggression out on her.

“This one was really stupid though. It was just over who would make dinner since dad had to be at the restaurant late and mom was working late surprising absolutely no one ever.” Kaoru had always been the type that worked long hours even at the cost of not spending a whole lot of time at home with his children. He did the best that he could with the time that he was given and had mandatory time with them on weekends but the house was most of the time silent except for the twins. And sometimes they just couldn’t be around each other without a screaming match breaking out.

“You guys are the kids of Cherry and Joe, it would be weird if you guys didn’t fight constantly.” Miya tried to joked just to hear her laugh, which it worked. The first thing that really drew him to her was that laugh. That loud and open sound when she was well and truly tickled by something or the more quiet sound that he got right now when she was emotional.

“That’s true, come on, I’m thirsty all the sudden and want to get a drink before I have to go in for my first session.” She stretched getting off of the concrete and offered her best friend a hand up off the ground before she stepped onto her board.

“Arizona sweet tea?” He offered her that option and she nodded her head with a small smile on her face. She had fallen in love with her best friend’s sweet tea that he had gotten her addicted to after they got introduced to each other.

“What are you going to do while I’m doing my session?” Miya gestured to his backpack where he was hiding his switch that he brought with him today. He knew that he’d want to spend the afternoon waiting for his best friend to finish her session.

“I’ve got my games in here don’t worry about me. I want to spend the afternoon with you. You’re my best friend and I want to support you in any way that I can.” He encouraged her as they pulled into the connivence store so that they could get their tea and some snacks while they waited. This was a huge deal for her and he wanted her to know how much he supported her.

“You’re going to be amazing Sakura. I know that you will be because you constantly give everything that you can into your interests.” Miya knew that she could do anything that she put her mind to because if his best friend was anything it was bound and determined to do her best at every little thing that she tried. Even if she found that she wasn’t as interested in the idea of playing her favorite instrument as she made it sound both in her head and in the music she listened to, she wouldn’t back down without a fight. That stubborn nature combined with her kind heart had him being pulled even deeper into her orbit.

“I sure hope that your right cat-boy because I am so nervous right now. As was prevalent by my earlier word vomit.” He just smiled softly at her doing his best that he could to be her support system as much as he knew that she was nervous.

“Sometimes your nerves stop you from doing things that you’re really good at though. They stopped you from making genuine friends before now didn’t they? Being nervous about something is considered totally normal. But you can’t let those nerves run your life Sakura. Otherwise you’ll never get anywhere. If you let nerves stop you then there’s so much you can’t really achieve.” He knew the amount of almost crippling anxiety that she struggled with. He had only ever wanted to support her and push her further. As they stopped in front of the music studio and she took a deep breath opening the front door and hearing the sound of somebody in one of the rooms practicing.

“Hello! Are you here for a lesson or just here to see what kinds of facilities we offer here?” Sakura lightly yanked on her ponytail just to try and ground herself.

“My mom scheduled my appointment, it’s Sakura Nanjo. I want to learn how to play the bass guitar.” She told the clerk and Miya just squeezed her hand sympathetically. Talking to people that she didn’t know was never a skill that Sakura had excelled at. Haru was always the people person not really her.

“Oh that’s right!! Your mother did call in to our shop so we’re excited to begin to teach you. We’ll have your teacher be with you in just a moment. You’re welcome to look around. He mentioned that you’d bring your own instrument?” She nodded her head holding up her guitar sleeved she had walked her with her.

“He bought it for me a few days ago and came home with it the day before yesterday!” Sakura showed her the guitar that her mom had bought for her that matched her personality.

“That is really pretty!! It does seem to match your bright and bubbly personality. Are you here for lessons too or just moral support?” Miya put his arm around his best friend’s shoulders supportively with a small smile on his face.

“I’m just here for the moral support factor. She struggles with nerves and anxiety and I thought that it would be easier for her if she had me here to support her.” He reasoned and she smiled gratefully at her best friend. Despite only being friends for a few months she knew that there was something unique about the video game obsessed boy next to her. Something that was life altering and that she wouldn’t ever want to change.

“That’s really sweet of you!! I’ll go and tell your teacher that your ready to learn.” The worker went off in search of the bass guitar teacher and Sakura’s ear twitched lightly.

“Are you hearing La Villa Strangiato?” Her ear was always in tune to when a Rush song was being played around her. Miya couldn’t help but laugh lightly at her as he had been hearing it since they had come into the studio. She must have been way too nervous to notice that somebody had been playing a song by her favorite band.

“They’ve been playing it since we walked in. Want to go and see who it is?” She followed the sound of the guitar as it led her to a spare room where a girl with dark hair and baby blue highlights was playing a guitar. She was wearing a different school uniform than the one that they were wearing. It had a music note on the band around the arm. Maybe she went to a music school of some kind? Whomever she was, she was clearly absorbed in the music that she was playing. And what’s more than that, she was a good. Good from years of clear practice at her craft and good from knowing exactly what she was doing. Miya accidentally leaned into Sakura’s side a bit too far trying to get a better look at the girl and knocked her over. The girl that as playing the instrument suddenly stoped and looked over at Sakura who was on the ground.

“Sorry Saki!” He frantically apologized offering her a hand and helped her to dust off the back of her skirt.

“Are you guys new? I thought that I closed that door!! Sorry if I was playing too loud, my dad runs the studio here I don’t take lessons.” The girl apologized very clearly worried that she had distracted them from something.

“Sakura is here to get lessons but she’s a huge rush fan and knew exactly what you were playing. She wanted to see the person that was playing La Villa Strangiato.” Miya explained to the girl lightly put off by the fact that the girl instantly took Sakura’s hands in her own.

“A fellow Rush fan?! At long last!! I’m Kayla Sunohara!! Super awesome to meet you Sakura.” She introduced herself excitedly and Miya just possessively gripped her hand.

“I’m Sakura Nanjo, this is my best friend Miya Chinen. How long have you been studying Alex Lifeson?” Miya buried his face into Sakura’s shoulder, trying on a whim to keep the possessive nature that he was feeling come up his spine. She’s allowed to have other friends and not just me. She should have a female friend who likes the same style of music as she does. It was only a matter of time before Sakura made another friend that wasn’t just me. She’s too nice for me to keep all to myself like that.

“Oh I’ve been studying his work since I first started playing when I was seven!! What about you? You interested in studying Geddy Lee?” Sakura gripped her bass guitar a little bit firmer in her hands nodding her head.

“That’s so cool…” She gushed and Kayla just laughed a bit waving her hand up and down in a dismissive manner.

“It’s not really anything that fantastic, I’m nowhere near his level and I probably never will be. But his guitar is what inspired me to pick up my own. What about you? Why did you want to learn bass?” Miya couldn’t help the halfhearted glare that he was sending to the other guitarist. He didn’t know why, maybe it was because he hadn’t had friends in so long but he wanted all of Sakura’s attention on him.

“Sakura?” The lady in the front of the studio called her name and she instantly lightly hugged her best friend noticing the slight stiffness in his appearance.

“Miya, I have to go. Is there something wrong?” He shook his head at her putting on the fakest smile that he could muster at the moment.

“I’ll be alright, I’ve got my games and I’m going to play these games with Sunohara.” He lightly told her and she just sighed a little bit.

“Look we’ll talk later cat boy alright? Don’t do anything stupid like start a fight or whatever.” She lightly told him with a small smirk on her face going out of the room and carrying everything over to the room.

“Miss Nanjo? I’m Shizuko, I’m going to be your teacher.” She took a deep breath just trying to do the final calming of her nerves. “I’m Sakura, it’s nice to meet you.” She bowed before her teacher with a small smile on her face carrying the guitar.

“It’s nice to meet you as well. Why don’t you come with me and we can figure out what you want to do and why?” As her teacher led the way she couldn’t help but look at everything with this sheer ease of wonder and light.

“So, why do you want to learn how to play bass guitar?” She sat down in the chair in front of her putting the guitar on her lap lightly.

“I want to play guitar because I was deeply inspired by Geddy Lee. My dad he raised me on Rush because that was what he loved back in high school.” Her teacher listened to her speak passionately about her love of the music that had inspired her to get through the day.

“My little sister has been studying the art of Alec Lifeson for a majority of her life. So I totally get that you can be inspired by the lead singer. He’s a big inspiration for everyone that ever felt like they didn’t fit in. She’s going to probably take over this studio one of these days.” Shizuko bragged about her younger sister that was now bonding with Miya over a shared love of video games in the spare room.

“I met your sister! She was playing La Villa Strangiato in another room. I thought that she was really amazing at it too. She’s really talented.” Sakura exclaimed her praises towards the other main guitarist. Her teacher just laughed a little bit already foreseeing a future friendship between her newest student and her younger sibling.

“You really know your stuff if you knew the exact song that she was playing. Music has always been something that brought us closer together as a family. Performing has been something that was passed down through the lines. Our dad taught us when we were just little kids so it’s always been a big part of our lives tighter. So what do your parents do?” She put her guitar on the floor knowing that this would just be an initial interview to see what she wanted to do and why.

“My dad he runs an Italian restaurant, Sia La Luce by the marina that’s what I’m going to do when I get older too. That’s what I was doing until both of my parents decided that I should be allowed to be a teenager for a little while. I’ve wanted to play bass guitar ever since I first started to deep dive and I really learned what music was and what instruments did what. It wasn’t just Geddy Lee. I’ve been inspired by countless other artists as well.” She reasoned and the teacher just smiled to herself. She had a feeling that this student would excel really far at the guitar. She also thought that her sister might finally make a really good friend.

“Do you do well in school? Do you have any other interests?” She nodded her head with a small smile on her face thinking about her lessons in skateboarding.

“I’m currently learning how to skateboard finally. My parents both do it and compete in their own ways. My brother picked it up like a fish to water. I’ve only recently started to learn how because a friend wanted to teach me. He’s the first friend that I’ve ever made. I was relatively well liked by my classmates but we weren’t ever really friends. I do pretty good in school depending on the subject. I’m mostly good at math and English but struggle with science. That’s my brother’s area of expertise.” Sakura talked about the little things in school that she enjoyed doing.

“Science isn’t for everyone and it’s not your fault that you aren’t very good at that class. I’m sure that yo excel in other areas. Who are some of your other heroes in music that aren’t behind Rush?” As important as having one hero was, Shizuko knew that she wouldn’t get very far if that was the only genre of music that she wanted to play.

“The one that my mom got me hooked on from a young age was Queen so I’ve always admired John Deacon. He was the quiet one so not a lot of people really think about how important he was. He was both an incredible bass player but he wrote some of Queen’s most iconic songs. Also, Paul McCartney has always been one of my favorite musicians for The Beatles and for Wings. Really I found a lot of different musician heroes that I could aspire to one day learn more about. I have a recent diagnosis of aspergers that caused me to rethink a lot of what interested me.” Sakura was still just ever so slightly self conscious about what had interested her. She’d had so many people judge her that weren’t Miya it felt like. Shizuko couldn’t hep but smile softly as this young tween in front of her reminded her so much of her when she was younger. From the admiration that she had of all these different styles of bass guitarists to her naturally shy disposition.

“There’s a lot of really beautiful Beatles songs, do you have a favorite one?” She nodded her head with a small smile on her face.

“My favorite is The Long And Winding Road. Many times I’ve been alone and many times I’ve cried anyway you’ll never know the many ways I’ve tried. It reminds me of my relationship with my brother. We get into a lot of really heated arguments but at the end of the day he’s my twin brother and I love him.” The entirety of Let It Be was her favorite non-Rush album of all time and it was one that she listened to consistently when she was alone in her bedroom. Her parents got her a record player when she was eight because that was the item she most desperately wanted. Ever since then she’d been collecting records and she shared it with Haru.

“You sing really, really well for somebody your age. That takes a lot of talent, have you ever done it professionally?” Do my friends in Italy count? We’re kind of a band I guess and I always love singing with them. While Sakura had friends before Miya, they didn’t live in this country. Rather they all lived in Italy. They were the only large group of people that had welcomed her into their group.

“I have a couple of friends in Italy where my dad did his studying for his restaurant. We go back every summer just about and my friends and I we sing. I’ve always appreciated singing because it was something that I could control. It could be loud or quiet. I could train it to sing in different styles.” She explained her dynamic with her small group of female friends that welcomed her with open arms years ago. Found family movie nights on Friday’s were something that she always looked forward to even if it was earlier in the afternoon for her then it was for them.

“I don’t know very many young girls that are that into singing. They do it for fun a lot of them but none of them that do it for fun are very good. Not unless they put in the effort. Talent takes effort. You have to put in the work and make the commitment in order for talent to come from that. Taking on an instrument is a pretty big commitment especially with the guitar. Sometimes you just want to throw the thing against the wall and call it a day. But then you get back to it and you’re suddenly able to do it and you feel this sense of self worth and accomplishment.” Shizuko tried to make her young pupil see things from her perspective. She had lost a lot of younger students because they weren’t serious about the instrument. Once they saw the first sign of struggle they threw in the towel and gave everything up.

“I’m willing to put in the work. I just need a teacher to show me how things work.” Sakura never did anything halfway. She was either all in or had absolutely zero interest in the task at hand. She had grown up around the sound of a bass guitar coming from every room in the house in some capacity.

“I can tell that you’re one of the serious ones about this otherwise you wouldn’t have stayed after that talk. Most of the students leave because I’m “too harsh”. I just want people to try their best and to succeed in the areas where they should.” The teacher ranted and Sakura couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. That threat hadn’t even begun to diminish her joy at the idea of simply being here.

“My mom is a lot more scary than that so I’m used to the idea of being threatened. Music has always been a part of my life and now I want to learn how to play it.” She said confidently and by the look on her face Shizuko knew that she had found a gem in the rocks.

“That was why I wanted to learn how to play bass too. I grew up hearing it with my dad because he loves all different kinds of music really but it was a whole lot of Beatles, Rush, Queen, Heart, and a lot of other artists that just seemed to flow out of the windows. I’m glad that you came in today Sakura. I can’t wait to start teaching you. We’re just going to gloss over the essentials today.” Sakura looked at her teacher one question burning in the back of her brain. “What is your favorite Beatles song?” Shizuko blinked a little bit in confusion before a small smirk appeared on her face.

“My favorite Beatles song is Let It Be. Has been since I was a little kid, Mary was my mother’s name. She died last year so it’s been kind of a rough point in my life. But that song has always gotten me through bad times. And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow let it be.” As Shizuko told her new student about her song obsession Sakura’s heart warmed. It was such a beautiful story that she couldn’t help but love it.

“I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. That really must have hurt something awful. Is it just you, your dad, and your sister now?” Sakura pulled her hair back a little bit further with a small smile on her face playing with the ends of her ponytail.

“Thank you so much sweetheart that makes a lot to me. My dad has a girlfriend, they were divorced for a while since Kayla was younger. It was a bit of an experience for me to deal with but we’re still a family anyways.” Shizuko reasoned and her student just smiled sympathetically at her. She had no idea what it would be like if there was a fight that just pushed things over that sometimes tightrope edge that her parents walked on. When she was younger she feared that one day one of them would fall off the tightrope and it would end their relationship. That it would go out in a burning inferno and that one fatal argument would end their bickering relationship. It wasn’t until she got a bit older and wiser when she learned that their love language was bickering.

“I’m glad that you were still able to have that family. My family can be a bit loud and chaotic personally. It’s a lot of bickering and a lot of arguing sometimes about the simplest of things. But I love my parents even if half the time it’s like I’m the parent and they are the children under my care. My twin brother isn’t really that much better.” Shizuko laughed openly at the idea of this family as she could completely visualize it. From what she had gathered when she had spoken with Kaoru Sakurayashiki the man seemed like a complete overprotective but at the same time loving mom figure.

“So you have two dad’s right?” She nodded her head getting out her phone and showing her a picture of them all skating together.

“I have two dad’s. My brother and I were surrogate children because they wanted kids with their own DNA. To keep things less complicated when we were kids me and Haru decided okay your mom and you’re dad. It’s been that way ever since. Our family dynamic is a bit unique because of it but I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if they weren’t my parents. They bicker like people that have known each other their entire lives because that’s what they do.” She settled against the back of the chair that she was currently in.

“Do you and your brother bicker a lot because of the fact that your parents do?” Sakura sighed heavily playing with her index fingers. She hated the fact that she had instantly been called out like that.

“Well… yeah we kind of do. Both of us are naturally stubborn types of people and sometimes it gets to be rather explosive. If it’s a day that we don’t get into at least a little spat well then that’s a miracle I feel like. We’ve really put our parents through hell these last several years especially.” She picked at the hem on her skirt just wishing that she could finally get along with her brother. It was so hard for them to see eye to eye though. Half of the time she had no idea what he was thinking and why he was doing the things that he was doing. She just wanted to help and every time that she tried he exploded on her.

“Sometimes siblings just don’t get along. You’re one of the lucky pairs if you don’t fight every time that your put in the same room together as children. My sister and I still fight a lot because we’re just different kinds of people. I’m sure that it’s the same way with your brother and you.” The older of the two of them felt the pain that the younger one went through like it was her own. There was a time a few years ago where a positive relationship between her and Kayla seemed like a wish on a dying star. It was just plain not going to happen.

“I want to be a better sister to him. I know that I do. I also just really want something to bond with him over. He wants to learn to play the drums.” Her teacher smiled at her instantly feeling that sense of love that Sakura had for her brother.

“Now that we’ve gotten all of that personality stuff squared away I know how to properly teach you. We’ll put primary focus on songs from the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s rock n’roll because that seems to be the genre that you enjoy the most. I appreciate the taste it’s a welcomed change of pace. I get so many people that tell me their favorite artist is somebody more modern.” She got her own red guitar that looked familiar enough to the young tween in front of her.

“That a version of Brain May’s red special isn’t it? For the bass guitar?” Shizuko grinned openly at the girl in front of her for recognizing the iconic guitar.

“My dad also happens to make guitars here so I asked for this one to be custom made once I started teaching. It’s always been my favorite guitar that’s an icon so I asked if he could take that concept and make it into a bass guitar for me. I used to do band when I was in school and now I’m going to college for music theory.” That guitar had gotten the teacher through a lot when she was younger. Everyone has their little things that they’re obsessed with and for Shizuko that would definitely be her guitar. She couldn’t live without it.

“That sounds like me with my cookbook. I can’t go anywhere without it. My mom calls it my grounding object because it helps me to stay calm and it helps me to remember my goals and ambitions. I want to one day make food that will make people happy just like my dad. If that means that I have to do the same training that he did in Italy for four years then so be it. Whatever it takes to make people smile when they eat my food.” Whatever it takes to make Miya happy when he eats my food. I want to keep making meals for him that he’ll love. I want to get him on a healthier diet. She shook the thought right out of her head, now was not the time to start thinking about Miya. It was the time to start learning the basics of the instrument that had always inspired her.

“Your mom mentioned that you have a recent diagnosis of aspergers?” She nodded her head unzipping her own guitar and showing it to her teacher.

“I got it a few weeks ago when it was still summer break. We went to Hokkaido to get it in a beach town since my family and found family wanted to go on a small vacation.” The shiny guitar that was in her hands made Shizuko smile softly. It was obvious that everyone in the familial unit that made her heart happy.

“Does that boy that was with you, is he in your found family?” She blushed a bright pink and her teacher couldn’t keep back the cackle of laughter from leaving her.

“Miya is my best friend, I’ve only known him for a few months but he’s… well he’s everything to me. I never had a friend before him really. I was popular enough with my classmates but was never asked to hang out when I wasn’t in class. That was fine with me but I never really thought about how deep down lonely I really was. Loneliness started to get to me and I was depressed every time I would go to school.” As Sakura talked about what she went through during these last few months the sadness in her voice was evident. She had spent the last couple of months just half alive until she met Miya who had brought life and color back into her eyes.

“I’m sorry that happened to you sweetheart, I know that you’ve struggled a lot during the course of your life. Sometimes we just need to wait until the right person comes into your life. I didn’t meet my best friend until I was eighteen and she’s been there for me every step of the way. I only had rent-a-friends during my entire childhood.” Shizuko reasoned and she played with the ends of curly hair with a small laugh.

“He’s easily the best thing that has ever happened to me. We do everything together now and he’s been teaching me skateboarding.” She lifted the guitar that was in her hands and put it over her lap. Shizuko demonstrated the first cord that she would be teaching her and Sakura easily copied the same note. She was instantly feeling the energy that she was actually really good at this job.

“Skateboarding can be very difficult but I know that you must feel very passionately about the art from. It can be a lot of fun actually. My friend’s and I used to do it all the time when we were back in high school. I still skate because it’s rather simple to get from place to place that way.” Shizuko reasoned with the young girl as she showed her the chord again and Sakura hit it with ease. The teacher was surprised at the amount of talent that the girl clearly had for somebody that had never touched a guitar before. It was something that she was just clearly passionate about.

“I was never really able to do it until a friend of mine was able to make me a custom board. I had to have little divots for my feet to go so that I could maintain my balance. I have really bad balance normally so trying to do that on a skateboard was just a plain old recipe for disaster.” Sakura laughed a little bit at the pain of the moment as the timer on Shizuko’s phone buzzed.

“We spent most of the session today learning about each other so that we can better work together through this experience. I know that you’re going to be one of the best students that I’ve ever taken on. I’ll see you again next week?” Sakura nodded her head zipping up her guitar before her teacher stopped her.

“For right now, I think that I should keep the guitar here. It’s probably difficult skating with it right? I can have my sister drop off a rental at your house since she’ll probably be one of your closest friends.” Her teacher reasoned and she handed the sparkly guitar to her teacher.

“Thank you, I’m looking forward to you teaching me as well!” She looked down at her shoes with a small smile on her face. Sakura bowed right before she left the room easily picking up her backpack with a small smile on her face as she heard Miya’s familiar laugh.

“Hey! I finished my session. What did you two get up to?” Sakura flopped onto the ground next to her best friend and he instantly put his arm comfortably around her shoulders. He had missed her despite her only being gone for a small amount of time.

“We were just playing some Crash Bandicoot!! Your friend is really good at video games. How did your first session with my sister go? Was she too hard on you? She can be a lot during first sessions. I try to be a lot more open minded and friendly with my students.” Kayla mentioned off handedly as the pinkette just shook her head.

“No she was actually really, really cool. I liked my studies quite a bit and I’m excited to come back next week. I’m hungry for dinner though, you coming cat-boy?” She lightly ruffled his dark hair as he nodded his head against her shoulder. As much as he knew that she had to make new friends and that it wouldn’t be just the two of them forever and ever he would always be protective over her. She might be her friend but I’ll always be her best friend. Nothing in the world can change that.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[herstoryherlegacy]

Expect the unexpected

(Trigger warning - lots of throw ups)

This has never really been my motto. Most things in my life have been expected or I’ve had signs pointed out to me that gives me a hint of what lies ahead. I was not expecting to be in the ER tonight. Actually I was just about to put my makeup on and do a lovely couples photoshoot with my husband when I got the call to come to the ER for possible blood clot in my lungs. Let me back up..

I had been healing from my port placement 3 days ago. Yesterday I was texting Juan updates on how I was feeling. I’m extremely thankful he was so diligent on checking in on me. My main concern was the tightness in my chest, pressure where the port is. I couldn’t take a deep breath. I felt better resting. I had even been doing light housework to stay up and active. Today he checked in again. The chest pressure was better. I could actually take a deep breath with little to no problem. Fast forward to this afternoon. I had went down to my best friend Sam’s salon to get my hair styled for my photoshoot. She’s on the 2nd floor and we took the stairs. My favorite part. I hadn’t exercised since my diagnosis and it’s been killing me. I was so active. Upon reaching the 2nd floor which was not far, I was winded. I text Juan letting him know, and he didn’t respond right away. I sat down, caught my breath, and got my hair done. As soon as I parked at home Juan called. He was consulting his doctor and advised I go in ASAP to an urgent care to be seen. I needed an x-ray, EKG, oxygen levels checked to rule out a possible blood clot in the lungs. Fuck me..

Disappointed to say the least. I walked into my home filled with laughter from my girls and their cousins, everyone gathered at the table for a meal, my in laws were visiting. All I could say was, we have to go to urgent care. I didn’t even kiss my babies goodbye 😕 I said goodbye to them but not thinking I wouldn’t be back tonight didn’t cross my mind. Now I wish I had. I arrived at a local urgent care before closing and the first thing I noticed in the lobby were vases of fake sunflowers. By pure coincidence, I use a sunflower background when I update my stories about my disease. I immediately knew this was God’s way of telling me he was with me and that I would be okay. I went into a room to be evaluated, and guess what kind of shoes the nurse was wearing? I’d never seen these before, but white vans with yellow sunflowers all over. There are no coincidences! However I wasn’t helped and was told to go to the ER.

No one likes to be in the ER, especially not right now. I had labs drawn, and an x-ray which showed proper placement of the port. Luckily Juan was here working and able to be there for my x-ray. He came to see me once more before he left to tell me he was going to communicate with the doctor about my CT and insulin complications. I had mentioned I was waiting for my husband to bring my charger because I was basically on E, and he graciously went to retrieve his charger to give to me. So extremely thankful for that gesture because alone, with no connection to my family in this place, is NOT the business. A charged phone is a precious lifeline so please always keep yours charged! So now..I wait for the CT.

I had been moved all over that ER. First I came to a bed and talked with a nurse. Then another nurse came in demanding she needed the bed. Once I was done I was booted off that bed so fast and into a chair in a hallway. The place was littered with sick people inside and outside rooms. It was so sad and crowded. I do believe I was mixed with both normal sick people and possible covid patients. To say I was nervous is an understatement. Back and forth I went between rooms, chairs, main waiting room, and scans. The longest wait was waiting to have my CT scan. I was in a room with chemo type reclining chairs. This poor girl in front of me was dealing with pain, bad. I felt so sorry for her. She was doing a good job being quiet but her face and body language looked like she was in active labor, though she was not. After watching I assumed she was suffering some sort of abdominal pain. When it was just us two, I didn’t want to make her talk, but I told her that I didn’t know what she was going through but that I was going to cover her in prayer. Her eyes lit up. She said thank you a bunch and I just assured her that I had her taken care of. I prayed with healing words. No matter what situation I’m in, I would never turn down the opportunity to put myself aside and pray for someone else who needed it more. I have failed this test before many times being too shy to pray, but you never know how those simple words of offering someone prayer may help them feel better. I wanted to cry, yeah I was in here for a possible life threatening issue, but I was nowhere as bad off as these people.

So I prayed for her, and eventually it was my turn to go to my CT. I had an IV put in, flushed, and had 3 medications to help me with my scan. One was Benadryl. I was actually glad to have it because I’ll be receiving it in my Pre-chemo cocktail and I wasn’t sure how I would feel on it. Yes it made me woozy immediately, but it was tolerable. Almost enjoyable in the correct setting. Waiting again, and was wheeled over by this super nice guy who eased the stress with good conversation. If you’ve ever done an MRI with contrast..it’s a fucking insane feeling. I laid down, the nurse flushed my IV and added the contrast. She loaded me in and waited a few minutes for it to kick in. I was in the machine for another few minutes and immediately when I was done I felt the warm rush. I’ve previously been warned it makes you feel really warm and almost like you’ve pee’d yourself. Thank god they reminded me because the warm sensation is explosive. It simultaneously felt like hot water was exploding from both my chest outward and my crotch 😂 indeed I clenched my body in case I did pee, but that’s exactly how it felt!!! So odd. Off to wait again for the results. This is where it for torturous. I am SO thankful for my AirPods and this charger. I have a very sensitive trigger to throwing up. Myself, other people, I can’t handle it. I actually did a good job this last week because both my girls got a virus, and I wasn’t second hand nauseous at all, that’s a victory. But in this ER literally 90% of the patients were vomiting 😑 I cranked those air pods to the max to drown out the sound. Closed my eyes. I don’t want what they got. So I’m in the big chair room again, my poor friend comes back in. Still in pain desperate for relief. Then another person, and another until the whole room was filled with us 5 people. 3/5 with vomiting 😕. Poor baby I prayed for got sick first, she was telling a nurse she was getting sick from the pain itself. Then the girl directly next to me. As she was getting her IV meds she started to get sick. It was a constant rush of nurses trying to get those sick bags in time..bless their quickness. I winced and turned to my left as to avoid being there. There wasn’t anywhere I could go where I wasn’t in the direct line of someone getting sick. I was miserable. Benadryl still kicking, I tried to nap, but had to keep my eyes open waiting for my name to be called. Eventually the time came, I was put in a draw chair outside the big chair room and my doctor read me the good news! I had my IV’s taken out and asked if they wanted me to go back into the big chair room (I don’t want to hog the draw chair in case someone needed it) and he said sure, just as I stood up the first poor girl started wrenching and I said “you know what I’ll stay here” and with a laugh the nurse walked back to their station and printed my discharge papers. I was R E L I E V E D. I was as calm in this situation as I needed to be, panicking and stressing weren’t going to help me. Easier said than done, to just not stress, but knowing how much trauma your body goes through WHEN you stress, it just wasn’t going to work in my favor. I came home famished, ate my dinner at 11:30pm, followed by a bag of popcorn, followed by a small serving of ice cream. Then my blood sugars sky rocketed all night 🙃 eh, not a good thing but I will hopefully have that very taken care of soon. Praise God nothing came out of this, each day has its own surprises, not all good, but also not all bad. The day started well with me sharing that my CT showed no cancer anywhere else in my body. This is EXTREMELY good news, and ended with me in the ER. You just never know how things will play out. So hug your kids, tell them you love them, do something fun. Enjoy the day given, because in a flash it could all be taken away ✌🏻

[misrihalek]

This is for one person in particular. Well, maybe two people. 

...I wasn’t good for you, was I? 

You found me at a pretty low point of my life, I’ve said that before. I was trying to do what the world told me, trying to be a good little boy, get that job, earn my place in the world and...I failed. I was lying on a bed in a house in the suburbs, flatmates fighting in the ungodly hours of the morning, desperately trying to escape from the world. That was how you found me and for some reason you saw something worth a damn. 

And then I proceeded to bleed you dry. I didn’t know how to get myself out of my hole and so I just started dragging you down with me, using you as just another means of escape and demanding so much of you...far too much. How many times did you lament that your love wasn’t enough to help me stand on my own two feet? How many times did you think that you were inferior because of it? Did I make you hate yourself because of my failures? 

That’s not to say that it was all bad: we wouldn’t have lasted as long as we did if we didn’t click on some level, after all. The talks we had, the things we shared between us...it would be disrespectful to say that they meant nothing: maybe their value to us makes this whole thing worse in retrospect, who knows. What I do know is that, even if only ashes remain now, you were the best friend I ever had: you were kind, funny and passionate and your presence in this world stood in defiance of the forces that sought to bring you low. You fought for your right to exist, so maybe it makes sense that you waited for so long for me to do the same. I’m sorry I let you down. 

That’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it: why didn’t I leave that hole that I found myself in? I can blame outside forces (and I often did), but the fact of the matter is that I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to be the person that the world demanded of me and no-one seemed to be able to tell me, so somewhere along the way I just grew comfortable in that wretched hole, at home in my misery. I started pantomiming my own life, living as if death would never come and not really living in the process, and it was this awful piece of theatre that you ended up being an unwilling part of: despairing about the future that I couldn’t see and slowly wearing yourself away. I imagine the tipping point came after those three weeks together ended and you saw how little things had changed. 

Those three weeks...before long it will have been two years since that trip to see you and it’s...weird to think about. I know that time has lost a bit of its meaning since then, but even then it’s hard to believe that it was really that long ago. I still remember the elevator up to your apartment, walking to the tramlines and going to that one tea shop - and you bet your ass I remember that hike uphill to the castle. The emotions have faded over time, but I have no qualms in saying that those were quite literally the best days of my life: I know that the word “literally” has kinda lost its meaning in this day and age, but I can confidently say that no experience before or since has compared. So why didn’t it change anything? Why did I go right back into my hole when I got back? 

I don’t think either of us knew at the time, but come a few months later it didn’t matter all that much anyway. You found someone else and left and, now that I look back, I really can’t blame you for trying to find a less bleak fate than what was in store for you. I remember you saying to me how scared you were of a future where you had to support the both of us: why wouldn’t you be? I had demonstrated no ability to be a functioning human being and I would have inevitably become a burden...well, more of a burden. What kind of future is that, for either of us? And so you left to find a brighter one. 

It was ugly and painful and I have no doubt that it still hurts you, just like it does me. For a decent amount of time I was blinded by my own pain and I said things that I can no longer stand by in good conscience: I blamed you for how things had gone and eventually cut you out of my life so I could best deal with my wrenching sorrow. To some degree that action has proved successful: being able to live without having reminders of my failures at the forefront of my mind has let me claw back pieces of myself and move forward with my life, even if it has taken some time. I cannot however defend the reasons why I did it though, born as they were from an inability to reflect on my own deficiencies. 

It turns out that there might’ve been a reason for that inability, actually. You remember me talking about my Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis? It was something that I got told about as I was growing up and it was basically conveyed to me as a low-strength form of autism, something fairly surmountable in comparison to the more traditional forms. Last year though, I found media that suggested that Asperger’s Syndrome was a less-than-credible condition from a doctor that quite literally collaborated with Nazis and further research revealed that the term was no longer in official use. I talked to my mother about this and she casually dropped into conversation that I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. 

ADHD! So many goddamn things clicked into place once she said that and I imagine that the same might be happening for you right now. No wonder I had so much difficulty functioning in that job, how infuriating it was to focus on things, how I would sally forth into different trains of thought mid-conversation. My mother’s general mistrust of the medical system also meant that I’d been dealing with these things all my life without any sort of medication, the usual way that other people with ADHD make themselves co-operate with the strictures of society. No wonder things went to fucking pieces the moment I stepped into the real world. 

I’ve had to do some serious thinking since then, not least of all about my future. I tried to keep on the jobsearching grind for a while after that bombshell dropped, but after months of no luck I snapped and decided to take an alternate route, one that I couldn’t consider while we were together. Since then I’ve moved away from home and I’m studying to maybe one day be a social worker: to one day have the tools to help people like me, people stuck in their own holes and unable to get out without the helping hand of someone who understands what they’re going though. No doubt you’d say that you’re happy for me and I don’t doubt that statement: you’re a better person that I was and even through all this you’ve wished no ill towards me. You’re a good person like that. 

These days I’m doing decently okay: I’m living with 3 flatmates who I get along with pretty well and my studies are progressing as they should. I’m trying to write a bit more as well, although about the only thing I’ve done lately of any tangibility has been...well, this. Even with the progress I’ve made, what happened between us still bobs to the surface from time to time and I have to process things all over again: it gets easier as time marches onwards, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. That probably explains why I reacted so violently to the message you sent me, among other things. 

What I said there was true: I can’t face you while things are the way they are. I’m not strong enough to watch you be happy with someone else, because it’s a reminder that I can no longer elicit that same joy from you: a reminder that our time has passed because of my failures. It’s knowledge that hollows me out from the inside. I tried to be strong - tried to ignore that hollowing out and remain friends - and failed over and over, coming close enough to nothingness to feel it encroaching on my soul, so now I put up my walls to protect it.

I need to be okay. And I can’t do that with you around. It’s an awful thing to say and you don’t deserve it, but it’s the truth. Once more you suffer for my deficiencies as a human being. 

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person that you needed: I guess the deck was kinda stacked against us from the beginning, considering what I didn’t know about myself and, y’know, the whole long-distance thing, so don’t go thinking that any of this was your fault. You remain one of the best people I have ever met and I am eternally grateful for the time we shared together: do not doubt that you are worthy of love, even in your lowest moments. You’re a damn good human being and you deserve to have good things happen to you, better things than me. 

I imagine you’re expecting me to say this, but oh well: I’d prefer it if you don’t send me a response to what I have written here. Beyond just safeguarding my own wellbeing, I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time now and what you see is pretty much every single thing that I can conceivably say in regards to all that has transpired between us. I don’t really have anything else to say and after this I will hopefully not think about this so much anymore and get on with my life. I would implore you to do the same. 

I wish you all the best. 

...

...there’s a small piece of me that doubles back on what I’ve written here, seeing if it can instill its will within the paragraphs wherein it can wend its way to you. It’s the piece of me that still loves you, that holds out hope that I may one day see you again and that we can rediscover what was lost. It tells me to leave my heart open to the opportunity, to hope against hope that things change. This last paragraph is my concession to it in the vain hope that it’ll finally fucking shut up.

[tswiftdaily]

In the 2010s, she went from country superstar to pop titan and broke records with chart-topping albums and blockbuster tours. Now Swift is using her industry clout to fight for artists’ rights and foster the musical community she wished she had coming up.

One evening in late-October, before she performed at a benefit concert at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles, Taylor Swift’s dressing room became -- as it often does -- an impromptu summit of music’s biggest names. Swift was there to take part in the American Cancer Society’s annual We Can Survive concert alongside Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Camila Cabello and others, and a few of the artists on the lineup came by to visit.

Eilish, along with her mother and her brother/collaborator, Finneas O’Connell, popped in to say hello -- the first time she and Swift had met. Later, Swift joined the exclusive club of people who have seen Marshmello without his signature helmet when the EDM star and his manager stopped by.

“Two dudes walked in -- I didn’t know which one was him,” recalls Swift a few weeks later, sitting on a lounge chair in the backyard of a private Beverly Hills residence following a photo shoot. Her momentary confusion turned into a pang of envy. “It’s really smart! Because he’s got a life, and he can get a house that doesn’t have to have a paparazzi-proof entrance.” She stops to adjust her gray sweatshirt dress and lets out a clipped laugh.

Swift, who will celebrate her 30th birthday on Dec. 13, has been impossibly famous for nearly half of her lifetime. She was 16 when she released her self-titled debut album in 2006, and 20 when her second album, Fearless, won the Grammy Award for album of the year in 2010, making her the youngest artist to ever receive the honor. As the decade comes to a close, Swift is one of the most accomplished musical acts of all time: 37.3 million albums sold, according to Nielsen Music; 95 entries on the Billboard Hot 100 (including five No. 1s); 23 Billboard Music Awards; 12 Country Music Association Awards; 10 Grammys; and five world tours.

She also finishes the decade in a totally different realm of the music world from where she started. Swift’s crossover from country to pop -- hinted at on 2012’s Red and fully embraced on 2014’s 1989 -- reflected a mainstream era in which genres were blended with little abandon, where artists with roots in country, folk and trap music could join forces without anyone raising eyebrows. (See: Swift’s top 20 hit “End Game,” from 2017’s reputation, which featured Ed Sheeran and Future.)

Swift’s new album, Lover, released in August, is both a warm break from the darkness of reputation -- which was created during a wave of negative press generated by Swift’s public clash with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian-West -- as well as an amalgam of all her stylistic explorations through the years, from dreamy synth-pop to hushed country. “The skies were opening up in my life,” says Swift of the album, which garnered three Grammy nominations, including song of the year for the title track.

She recorded Lover after the Reputation Stadium Tour broke the record for the highest-grossing U.S. tour late last year. In 2020, Swift will embark on Lover Fest, a run of stadium dates that will feature a hand-picked lineup of artists (as yet unannounced) and allow Swift more time off from the road. “This is a year where I have to be there for my family -- there’s a lot of question marks throughout the next year, so I wanted to make sure that I could go home,” says Swift, likely referencing her mother’s cancer diagnosis, which inspired the Lover heart-wrencher “Soon You’ll Get Better.”

Now, however, Swift finds herself in a different highly publicized dispute. This time it’s with Scott Borchetta, the head of her former label, Big Machine Records, and Scooter Braun, the manager-mogul whose Ithaca Holdings acquired Big Machine Label Group and its master recordings, which include Swift’s six pre-Lover albums, in June. Upon news of the sale, Swift wrote in a Tumblr post that it was her “worst case scenario,” accusing Braun of “bullying” her throughout her career due to his connections with West. She maintains today that she was never given the opportunity to buy her masters outright. (On Tumblr, she wrote that she was offered the chance to “earn” back the masters to one of her albums for each new album she turned in if she re-signed with Big Machine; Borchetta disputed this characterization, saying she had the opportunity to acquire her masters in exchange for re-signing with the label for a “length of time” -- 10 more years, according to screenshots of legal documents posted on the Big Machine website.)

Swift has said that she intends to rerecord her first six albums next year -- starting next November, when she says she’s contractually able to -- in order to regain control of her recordings. But the back-and-forth appears to be nowhere near over: Last month, Swift alleged that Borchetta and Braun were blocking her from performing her past hits at the American Music Awards or using them in an upcoming Netflix documentary -- claims Big Machine characterized as “false information” in a response that did not get into specifics. (Swift ultimately performed the medley she had planned.) In the weeks following this interview, Braun said he was open to “all possibilities” in finding a “resolution,” and Billboard sources say that includes negotiating a sale. Swift remains interested in buying her masters, though the price could be a sticking point, given her rerecording plans, the control she has over the licensing of her music for film and TV, and the market growth since Braun’s acquisition.

However it plays out, the battle over her masters is the latest in a series of moves that has turned Swift into something of an advocate for artists’ rights -- and made her a cause that everyone from Halsey to Elizabeth Warren has rallied behind. From 2014 to 2017, Swift withheld her catalog from Spotify to protest the streaming company’s compensation rates, saying in a 2014 interview, “There should be an inherent value placed on art. I didn’t see that happening, perception-wise, when I put my music on Spotify.” In 2015, ahead of the launch of Apple Music, Swift wrote an open letter criticizing Apple for its plan to not pay royalties during the three-month free trial it was set to offer listeners; the company announced a new policy within 24 hours. Most recently, when she signed a new global deal with Universal Music Group in 2018, Swift (who is now on Republic Records) said one of the conditions of her contract was that UMG share proceeds from any sale of its Spotify equity with its roster of artists -- and make them nonrecoupable against those artists’ earnings.

During a wide-ranging conversation, Billboard’s Woman of the Decade expresses hope that she can help make the lives of creators a little easier in the years to come -- and a belief that her behind-the-scenes strides will be as integral to her legacy as her biggest singles. “New artists and producers and writers need work, and they need to be likable and get booked in sessions, and they can’t make noise -- but if I can, then I’m going to,” promises Swift. This is where being impossibly famous can be a very good thing. “I know that it seems like I’m very loud about this,” she says, “but it’s because someone has to be.”

While watching some of your performances this year -- like Saturday Night Live and NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert -- I was struck by how focused you seemed, like there were no distractions getting in the way of what you were trying to say.

That’s a really wonderful way of looking at this phase of my life and my music. I’ve spent a lot of time recalibrating my life to make it feel manageable. Because there were some years there where I felt like I didn’t quite know what exactly to give people and what to hold back, what to share and what to protect. I think a lot of people go through that, especially in the last decade. I broke through pre-social media, and then there was this phase where social media felt fun and casual and quirky and safe. And then it got to the point where everyone has to evaluate their relationship with social media. So I decided that the best thing I have to offer people is my music. I’m not really here to influence their fashion or their social lives. That has bled through into the live part of what I do.

Meanwhile, you’ve found a way to interact with your fans in this very pure way -- on your Tumblr page.

Tumblr is the last place on the internet where I feel like I can still make a joke because it feels small, like a neighborhood rather than an entire continent. We can kid around -- they literally drag me. It’s fun. That’s a real comfort zone for me. And just like anything else, I need breaks from it sometimes. But when I do participate in that space, it’s always in a very inside-joke, friend vibe. Sometimes, when I open Twitter, I get so overwhelmed that I just immediately close it. I haven’t had Twitter on my phone in a while because I don’t like to have too much news. Like, I follow politics, and that’s it. But I don’t like to follow who has broken up with who, or who wore an interesting pair of shoes. There’s only so much bandwidth my brain can really have.

You’ve spoken in recent interviews about the general expectations you’ve faced, using phrases like “They’ve wanted to see this” and “They hated me for this.” Who is “they”? Is it social media or disparaging think pieces or --

It’s sort of an amalgamation of all of it. People who aren’t active fans of your music, who like one song but love to hear who has been canceled on Twitter. I’ve had several upheavals of somehow not being what I should be. And this happens to women in music way more than men. That’s why I get so many phone calls from new artists out of the blue -- like, “Hey, I’m getting my first wave of bad press, I’m freaking out, can I talk to you?” And the answer is always yes! I’m talking about more than 20 people who have randomly reached out to me. I take it as a compliment because it means that they see what has happened over the course of my career, over and over again.

Did you have someone like that to reach out to?

Not really, because my career has existed in lots of different neighborhoods of music. I had so many mentors in country music. Faith Hill was wonderful. She would reach out to me and invite me over and take me on tour, and I knew that I could talk to her. Crossing over to pop is a completely different world. Country music is a real community, and in pop I didn’t see that community as much. Now there is a bit of one between the girls in pop -- we all have each other’s numbers and text each other -- but when I first started out in pop it was very much you versus you versus you. We didn’t have a network, which is weird because we can help each other through these moments when you just feel completely isolated.

Do you feel like those barriers are actively being broken down now?

God, I hope so. I also hope people can call it out, [like] if you see a Grammy prediction article, and it’s just two women’s faces next to each other and feels a bit gratuitous. No one’s going to start out being perfectly educated on the intricacies of gender politics. The key is that people are trying to learn, and that’s great. No one’s going to get it perfect, but, God, please try.

At this point, who is your sounding board, creatively and professionally?

From a creative standpoint, I’ve been writing alone a lot more. I’m good with being alone, with thinking alone. When I come up with a marketing idea for the Lover tour, the album launch, the merch, I’ll go right to my management company that I’ve put together. I think a team is the best way to be managed. Just from my experience, I don’t think that this overarching, one-person-handles-my-career thing was ever going to work for me. Because that person ends up kind of being me who comes up with most of the ideas, and then I have an amazing team that facilitates those ideas.

The behind-the-scenes work is different for every phase of my career that I’m in. Putting together the festival shows that we’re doing for Lover is completely different than putting together the Reputation Stadium Tour. Putting together the reputation launch was so different than putting together the 1989 launch. So we really do attack things case by case, where the creative first informs everything else.

You’ve spoken before about how meaningful the reputation tour’s success was. What did it represent?

That tour was something that I wanted to immortalize in the Netflix special that we did because the album was a story, but it almost was like a story that wasn’t fully realized until you saw it live. It was so cool to hear people leaving the show being like, “I understand it now. I fully get it now.” There are a lot of red herrings and bait-and-switches in the choices that I’ll make with albums, because I want people to go and explore the body of work. You can never express how you feel over the course of an album in a single, so why try?

That seems especially true of your last three albums or so.

“Shake It Off” is nothing like the rest of 1989. It’s almost like I feel so much pressure with a first single that I don’t want the first single to be something that makes you feel like you’ve figured out what I’ve made on the rest of the project. I still truly believe in albums, whatever form you consume them in -- if you want to stream them or buy them or listen to them on vinyl. And I don’t think that makes me a staunch purist. I think that that is a strong feeling throughout the music industry. We’re running really fast toward a singles industry, but you got to believe in something. I still believe that albums are important.

The music industry has become increasingly global during the past decade. Is reaching new markets something you think about?

Yeah, and I’m always trying to learn. I’m learning from everyone. I’m learning when I go see Bruce Springsteen or Madonna do a theater show. And I’m learning from new artists who are coming out right now, just seeing what they’re doing and thinking, “That’s really cool.” You need to keep your influences broad and wide-ranging, and my favorite people who make music have always done that. I got to work with Andrew Lloyd Webber on the Cats movie, and Andrew will walk through the door and be like, “I’ve just seen this amazing thing on TikTok!” And I’m like, “You are it! You are it!” Because you cannot look at what quote-unquote “the kids are doing” and roll your eyes. You have to learn.

Have you explored TikTok at all?

I only see them when they’re posted to Tumblr, but I love them! I think that they’re hilarious and amazing. Andrew says that they’ve made musicals cool again, because there’s a huge musical facet to TikTok. [He’s] like, “Any way we can do that is good.”

How do you see your involvement in the business side of your career progressing in the next decade? You seem like someone who could eventually start a label or be more hands-on with signing artists.

I do think about it every once in a while, but if I was going to do it, I would need to do it with all of my energy. I know how important that is, when you’ve got someone else’s career in your hands, and I know how it feels when someone isn’t generous.

You’ve served as an ambassador of sorts for artists, especially recently -- staring down streaming services over payouts, increasing public awareness about the terms of record deals.

We have a long way to go. I think that we’re working off of an antiquated contractual system. We’re galloping toward a new industry but not thinking about recalibrating financial structures and compensation rates, taking care of producers and writers.

We need to think about how we handle master recordings, because this isn’t it. When I stood up and talked about this, I saw a lot of fans saying, “Wait, the creators of this work do not own their work, ever?” I spent 10 years of my life trying rigorously to purchase my masters outright and was then denied that opportunity, and I just don’t want that to happen to another artist if I can help it. I want to at least raise my hand and say, “This is something that an artist should be able to earn back over the course of their deal -- not as a renegotiation ploy -- and something that artists should maybe have the first right of refusal to buy.” God, I would have paid so much for them! Anything to own my work that was an actual sale option, but it wasn’t given to me.

Thankfully, there’s power in writing your music. Every week, we get a dozen synch requests to use “Shake It Off” in some advertisement or “Blank Space” in some movie trailer, and we say no to every single one of them. And the reason I’m rerecording my music next year is because I do want my music to live on. I do want it to be in movies, I do want it to be in commercials. But I only want that if I own it.

Do you know how long that rerecording process will take?

I don’t know! But it’s going to be fun, because it’ll feel like regaining a freedom and taking back what’s mine. When I created [these songs], I didn’t know what they would grow up to be. Going back in and knowing that it meant something to people is actually a really beautiful way to celebrate what the fans have done for my music.

Ten years ago, on the brink of the 2010s, you were about to turn 20. What advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time?

Oh, God -- I wouldn’t give myself any advice. I would have done everything exactly the same way. Because even the really tough things I’ve gone through taught me things that I never would have learned any other way. I really appreciate my experience, the ups and downs. And maybe that seems ridiculously Zen, but … I’ve got my friends, who like me for the right reasons. I’ve got my family. I’ve got my boyfriend. I’ve got my fans. I’ve got my cats.

[bonsaisheep]

My experience starting ADHD meds (for the first time) as an adult:

So I started ADHD meds recently. I contacted my doctor in early December, and spent the next month or so trying to figure out the right medication and dosage via basically weekly doctor’s appointments (online). Since there was a lot I found out after starting the meds that are apparently common experiences, I figure it might help to talk about my experience with all of this.

So I am medicated for my ADHD for the first time in my life at 27. There were two attempts when I was a kid, but neither of them worked out. The first when I was in fourth grade (I was diagnosed somewhere between first and third grade, I can’t quite remember), it was decided the side effects were not worth it, and a second attempt in middle school, but I refused to take it since I bought into a lot of the BS around brain meds. Its only in the last few years as I have learned more about ADHD have I learned exactly how it is effecting me. I managed to do well enough in high school to get into a good college (after doing really poorly in jr high). Managed to get an engineering degree (in 4 years with research, I was hella burnt out by the end of that) and managed to get (and hold) a job as an engineer shortly after college. Basically, since I could at lest fake functional and manage well enough (mostly because I was taught a ton of coping mechanisms by my parents as a kid), I just, never realized how much it effects me. I have been living an interesting and fulfilling life (as long as you ignore my mail bathtub).

After learning more and realizing that it was my ADHD was the source of a lot of the frustrations and struggles (I am basically a human checklist of the symptoms), I started to consider medication. The biggest reason for me is that I wanted to be able to focus on my own hobbies. I am incapable of hyper-fixating on anything that involves sitting down (or like, in general I am really bad at sitting down). I put off doing anything about if for years because well... executive dysfunction is a thing. It is really because of my roomate I finally went through with getting on mediation. This summer I moved in with a couple of close friends, one of which is also a cis women with ADHD who was diagnosed in elementary school. After not being interested in medication herself for most of her life, she recently decided to pursue it after some long conversations with another of our roomate’s girlfriend (I am one of 7 people in my friend group with diagnosed ADHD). Basically it was an accountability thing. We both held each other accountable for contacting our doctors.

Ok so after that very long introduction, what exactly are my experiences then? One of the things that surprised me was that I didn’t really run into too many barriers regarding getting on meds. In my case, I just talked to my general practitioner and she was like cool, lets start with XYZ. She actually didn’t want my original diagnosis since it was so old that she felt like any proposed plan would be out of date. (This is compared to my roommate who had to get a copy of her original diagnosis and even then her doctor was mostly comfortable prescribing meds because she is in talk therapy). (Though she has also pointed out I have been seeing my doctor for a bit now and therefor have a repor with her compared to her own doctor who was basically randomly assigned to her by her insurance and she met for the first time (online) when she contacted him to discuss meds)

I was originally prescribed Wellbutrin, a common off lable option for ADHD (it is a non stimulant, and by extension less bad side effects). My doctor wanted to go with it due to my really bad anxiety since it could potentially help with both. Unfortunately it made my anxiety way worse and I had a panic attack for the first time in years so we quickly stopped it and switched to other options. The next thing we tried (which is what I am now on) was extended release adderall. This is the most common stimulant prescribed to adults with ADHD. From what my doctor was saying, it is preferred for adults since it lasts all day (and with pretty even effects), it helps cover both work and the evening since most adults have additional responsibilities in the evening. In my case, due to how I responded to the Wellbutrin she also wanted to make sure I was on something that would not spike my dopamine. When messing with the dosage, I found that the amount that seems to help is also the amount that make my insomnia worse, so I am take a slightly lower dosage of the extended release, and make up the small difference using the short release.

Regarding side effects, the two noticeable ones that did not go away after a week (I initially had problems with a high heart rate, but that went away after a few days) are thirst and hunger suppressant. There is not much I can do about constantly being thirsty other then drink a ton of water. I was able to talk to a friend about the hunger thing, so I was able to implement quite a few tips and tricks that help me eat something during the day.

The two odd side effects I was not expecting is that caffeine actually effects me now and I also have way less of a sweet tooth. My doctor warned me about the caffeine thing, and my coffee drinking has really gone down. I went from at least two cups a day to a mug of half caff in the morning (I can’t cut it out entirely due to withdraw symptoms (so you know addition)). Regarding the sweets, I don’t know if I crave sugur less, or if it is improved impulse control. A good portion of my impulse control issue revolve around food so I am unsure.

Also I am running into a thing a friend was telling me about. The meds help you focus end of statement. This means you can end up focusing on things you don’t want to be focusing on.

As for the positives, well, I guess I was expecting more. I knew that meds weren’t some magic bullet and I was still going to need to use all of my coping mechanisms, but I guess I thought that the focus issues, would, just go away. But this is not how meds work. The way my roommate’s girlfriend describes it is that it gives you 15% more spoons, and that makes a ton of difference (for some people, this can be the difference between stuff like being able to hold a job). It is also really hard to tell if your meds are working. I texted a friend asking about how to tell, and he basically told me that it was the million dollar question (meaning there is no clean answer). Honestly, I still don’t know for sure if they are working or if I am just saying that. Part of it is that i literally can’t remember what I act like or feel when I am not on meds (and if I take a break for a day, vice versa). I am currently going with the assumption they are though.

For me, what I have been finding is that while I still get distracted from tasks I don’t like, I return to them faster. So rather then getting bored, getting on my phone and like, fucking around for a long time. I might just briefly check social media and then return to my task (meaning I get more done faster). I have also found it is making the executive dysfunction way easier for me. It is still difficult to start tasks, but, it takes distinctly less energy to do so meaning I generally start tasks sooner, or in some cases, do them at all to begin with. It helps curb some of my impulse control issues, mostly around stuff like food and impulse purchases of going out for lunch or coffee. It might be helping with the emotional dysregulation, but I have a hard time gauging that one. It’s just making things a bit easier, and well, that goes a long way.

More importantly, I am achieving my original goal. I am more able to focus on my hobbies and interest. I am starting to return to robotics, and it is already going better then when I tried it out as a teenager. I don’t know how well this will work out in the long run, but I am cautiously optimistic.

TLDR: I am not quite sure how to summarize, but if you know people on ADHD meds and are considering them (or are otherwise not on them and want to know more), it is probably worthwhile to have a conversation about them.

[marculees]

Epilepsy Awareness Month💜

I recently seen this post by @interstellix  who made great points about epilepsy for Epilepsy Awareness Month. It sums it up really well so I suggest you give it a read and reblog! Its nice to find another photosensitive here too because we’re such a small group within the epilepsy community. I deal with anxiety on top of my epilepsy and while they aren’t always related to each other, I don’t hear enough about the day-to-day worries of epileptics. Things that seem completely normal or fine to some people can be dangerous for me, which is why stuff like giving trigger warnings are much appreciated. But often, non-epileptics don’t know about what its like to actually live with epilepsy - not just having seizures. I want to add on some of my own experiences with a funky clickbait title, below the cut. Anyone who reads this all is a star and ily⭐️

10 Things Non-Epileptics Don’t Get (Yet)

1. That moment in movies when the character wakes up and a bunch of faces are gawking down at the camera uncomfortably. Always have someone to stay with the person having a seizure. But out of care for both that person and the people around, its best to get everyone else away. No one enjoys watching someone have a seizure - it’s scary and knowing you can’t stop it can ignite feelings of guilt or panic. For the person having the seizure, its embarrassing - they aren’t even conscious of what’s happening and for all they can remember, they were minding their own business and now they’re waking up and barely able to move their body without wincing in pain.

*TW: BODY FLUIDS* I’ve literally puked, shit and pissed myself all at the same time unconsciously in front of a room of people. I’m lucky these people were my family but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing or upsetting knowing that everyone there saw me in such a state. A fear I had growing up was having a seizure in front of my class and the students making comments about it, thinking it was funny. In today’s age, filming seizures is something to worry about too because of how easily it can be shared to others online. Even if you aren’t an arsehole like that, try to be as respectful as possible and get everyone else to evacuate the room. At most, have three people to stay there: one person to stay close and time the seizure, one person to move furniture away and find something soft to lay under the epileptic’s head, and one person for crowd control who is keeping everyone else out and reassuring them all it’s okay.

Whatever you do, don’t make the epileptic feel bad for having a seizure. They can’t control it. Afterwards, comfort them and let them know its all over and you’ll stay with them until they feel better (unless they say they would rather be alone). Most of the time, the epileptic will be so tired and sore after their seizure that they’ll fall asleep. Let them; they need it. I’ve woken up on a couch, in my bed, the back of an ambulance or in a hospital bed and sometimes I was laying there for half an hour, sometimes a whole day. Knowing someone was there is relieving. Knowing everyone was there is shaming and it doesn’t make you feel any better when they’re all in your face afterwards too. Don’t be the camera crew.

2. Travelling alone is either a dream or everyday reality for a lot of people, but its a no-go for some of us. I was raised in a very overprotective household and still today, I don’t have a lot of freedom. Driving is usually one of the first bits of independence you get, but not for me. I’ve had seizures while out travelling because of the SUN. The sunlight flickering through trees, railings or bouncing off surfaces have triggered seizures in me where my family have had to pull over. The thought of being the one driving in such a scenario is terrifying to me, my loved ones and everyone else on the road. Driving is such a normalised thing for people my age that I’m embarrassed to bring up my own case unless someone specifically asks.

Then you have public transport. The sunlight issue is also here but this time, you’re with a bunch of strangers (see Point 1 again). Something my mum drilled into my head since I was younger was that if I ever got public transport by myself, then I could have a seizure and someone would film it and another person would rob me (and then you wonder why I have an anxiety disorder). I got my first bus by myself when I was 19 and for something so mundane to most people, it was like a little adventure to me. My mum didn’t approve but she complained about having to drive me everywhere too. While its fun to get the bus into town every now and then though, it becomes a bigger issue when travelling is a daily requirement and you aren’t able/allowed to drive yourself.

Free public transport doesn’t always include those with epilepsy, depending on which country you live in. What do you do when an employer asks if you can drive? What do you do if you have committments to go to and no one is around to drive or come with you? Or you need to explain why you’re going out, every single time, because someone else has to decide whether its worth the risk. Sunny roadtrips? Want to be a pilot? That last one isn’t a joke, by the way! I used to get a coach/private bus to college and if it was sunny, I’d pull the curtain over, wear my sunglasses and try to nonchalantly cover one eye to help. You can’t really get a curtain while driving your own car though and driving one-handed is not cool, its irresponsible.

3. Staying up all night talking with someone you love isn’t as romantic as we’d like it to be. All-nighters, i.e. lack of sleep, are a huge trigger for many epileptics. I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers with friends as a kid until I was 13, and at that sleepover I ended up having a seizure in the middle of the night after waking up to use the bathroom. Not to flex, but I had a seizure on the toilet. Where’s the weirdest place anyone else has had a seizure?. As a result of that, I was put back on medication after being told I was growing out of my seizures and had been med-free for one whole year. I’d love to stay up with a loved one and spend the night talking or watching movies, but I think a seizure would be more of a killjoy than going to bed early.

3. Unless you’re the paparazzi, camera flashes won’t give photosensitive epileptics seizures. Its a small gesture and I do appreciate it, but don’t worry - one small flash from a camera will not send my brain into override. Just don’t be taking photos from 5 different phones at the same time for more than one pic. Standing and waiting for people to take a photo all at the same time is awkward already because you don’t know who to look at, what to do with your hands, if you should change pose, smile or not, etc. Just take one flash photo and be done, or don’t use the flash at all if you don’t need to. Ring lights are a common thing now, by the way and I love them? Bye-bye camera flash!

I don’t blame anyone for having these types of concerns though. The only time you’re probably warned about flashing lights is when you’re about to watch a news report or awards show where there will be paparazzi and performances will be aired. Concerts are another thing that can be risky depending on the genre, size of the venue, whether its indoors or outdoors (if you’re like me and enjoy EDM music, you’ll have a very low chance of actually attending or watching anything live fdkslbjfdhb). Those things we avoid. But you taking a photo with a once-off flash will be okay, don’t worry. Seizures aren’t triggered by a single flash, but rather multiple flashes in a short period of time. They’re called Hertz and that shit hertz when its between 3-30 flashes per second. Also, fuck strobes, the Incredibles 2, Into The Spiderverse and any other movie that uses these for unnecessary effect.

4. Not everyone is diagnosed with epilepsy in their childhood and though some might grow out of it as they get older, not everyone will. I thought I had been growing out of it on two occasions (see point 3 again and point 9). Some people only get diagnosed with epilepsy later into their life. If you’re diagnosed while young, its easier to adjust your life because you’re growing up with it as your norm and its something you’ve just learned to live with. But for some people, they suddenly have to change their entire routine that they’ve established since they became an adult. Be sympathetic to those with epilepsy in their adult years, especially those who only got a diagnosis. Its not just a disability for children.

5. There are different types of seizures and one that’s commonly misunderstood is the partial seizure. These types of seizures have been mistaken for people being drunk or high (i.e. slurred speech, difficulty standing up or walking in a straight line, etc.), which has led them to getting kicked out of venues for something they have no control over. Swimming pools seem to be a common place for these bans, as well as gyms. Sometimes, these people are still somewhat aware they are having a seizure but cannot control them, which is really scary to think about. I don’t have them myself but I cannot imagine how frustrating they must be to not be taken seriously and instead as someone being high or intoxicated and then being punished for that. Alcohol is usually avoided as it can trigger seizures but when these seizures happen at social events, people can get the wrong idea. If you know someone who has these types of seizures, keep an eye on them if you’re out together. We’re usually only allowed one pint and hardly anyone gets that drunk after just one, so be aware that its likely they aren’t actually hammered but having a seizure instead.

6. Nobody likes being overworked but school, college, jobs and sport can very hard on us. Unless you’ve had a seizure, your teacher or boss probably won’t extend a deadline for you. The latter might even fire you. Chronic fatigue isn’t taken seriously. School is one big memory test in most countries, but for those with aura seizures, their ‘spacing out’ can affect how information they are actually taking in. Side-effects of meds can also make concentration and memory tough, and I hate how forgetful I can be because then I feel like I’m unreliable even though I push myself to give 110% anyway. Some activities like sports and physical education can be more draining than they would be for the average person, and sometimes I’d have to sit out during these activities because I felt an aura coming on after overexerting myself. I wish I could sit out having multiple assignments and group projects due in the same week, but college doesn’t work that way. I wish I could tell employers that I might not have that presentation done by the end of the day, but that wouldn’t go down too good either.

If you know someone who takes longer to complete tasks that might seem simple to you, ask yourself if you’ve ever considered they might have epilepsy or another chronic illness or disability. Don’t assume they’re lazy if they need to take an extra day or two to complete their final essay or have to stop their beep test earlier than the rest of the class. I didn’t know a good average for the beep test was 8-9, because no one ever told me. I pushed myself to 16 because I was scared people would think I was lazy and that I was dropping out to be with the other girls who agreed beforehand. I then ended up having an aura that almost slipped into a full seizure. I also almost had a seizure an hour before my religion exam in my Junior Cert at school. My mum even insisted I stay home and miss my State exam because of it. I still went though, took a bathroom break because I had another aura, and finished with an ‘A’ but had it been a different day, I might not have been so lucky. Its about knowing yourself and your limits, but we aren’t always informed that they should exist and then you end up doing stupid things like me that could hurt you. Likewise, its important to be understanding that not everyone can work at the same pace as you. It doesn’t make the quality of our work any less even if we need more time or energy to do it.

7. Side-effects aren’t always in the short-term. My own meds are advised to not be taken long-term as they weaken my bones over time. I’m 21 now and I’ve been on meds since I was 8. I wanted to reduce my dosage and eventually become med-free last year but the neurologist told me I still had brain activity and needed to stick with them. In fact, they almost ended up prescribing me more even after I had told them I was five years seizure-free. Why? See point 9. I’m lucky though because I’ve only been on one type of med. Some people can take years to find what works and their neurologists will prescribe them all sorts and leave them with awful side effects. Only last year I was chatting with a woman whose meds had caused sudden depression and fits of anger in her after she had been diagnosed and given her prescriptions. She eventually got brain surgery instead.

8. If you have a uterus and/or want to have children, do your research and a LOT of it. Birth control is usually a tough decision to make and often times, it can feel like you have no choice. Its so important to check with multiple neurologists and doctors which form of birth control is the best for you with your medication, because even the slightest new introduction to your meds box can have unpleasant side-effects. With the current medication I’m on, I can’t take the pill unless I want to increase my current dosage of meds as the pairing cancel each other and make me more vulnerable to seizures and other side-effects. I’m not pregnant and yet I have to take daily folic acid supplements because my meds cancel that out too. Every month or two, I will faint or almost faint on the first day of my period and I’m more vulnerable to having a seizure during that time. If I ever want to give birth, my children can possibly inherit my condition or be stuck taking care of me when I should be caring for them. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

This is not to say that people with epilepsy can’t have fulfilling sex lives or raise families. But we just do it at a greater risk that even some neurologists aren’t aware of. I had to tell my neurologist last year why I didn’t want to go on the pill because HE didn’t know it interacted negatively with my meds. I’ve known women who were prescribed the pill or meds BY A PROFESSIONAL that interacted negatively with each other and gave them seizures as a result. It takes ‘find the right method for you’ to a whole new level. If your partner has epilepsy, its so important to discuss birth control and take their condition into consideration. I hear men telling their girlfriends to go on the pill so that they don’t have to use a condom, which is really selfish for a start and also disregards other forms of birth control. Do your research but let them and their own trusted neurologist decide which form is best. You should still be using a condom to protect yourselves anyway! And if you and your epileptic partner decide you would like to have children, do the same process and make sure that they are in a safe position to do so.

9. *TW: DEATH* Threatening (even ‘jokingly’) to trigger a seizure in someone is playing with that person’s life. SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy) affects roughly 1 in 1000 people each year. Even if that person doesn’t die after their seizure, you may have just broken a record they set for days, months or YEARS without a seizure. You just revoked their driving license and they weren’t even behind a wheel. You just prescribed them new doses of medication without any years of medical school.

Growing up, I had countless incidences where classmates would joke about making me have a seizure. If the teacher left the room for anything, the first thing they would do is run up to the lightswitch and fuck around with it. In secondary school, I stopped using the bathroom at lunch because one of the girls thought it was funny to deliberately flick the lights on and off anytime I was inside. She would snicker and call out to me while I was in the stall, asking if it could make me have a seizure. Even after saying yes, she continued to do it. If I did end up having a seizure in that bathroom, god knows what could have happened. I had a seizure in a bathroom before and was lucky I only hurt my jaw as my head slammed against the wall. Others aren’t so lucky. Injuries from seizures can be brutal, just like OP said. Yeah, you might not kill them by triggering a seizure, but what injuries do they have to deal with after?

Imagine playing a game for years and you spent ages collecting all the items, defeating every boss and proudly showing off the trophies you won. Now imagine someone suddenly pulls the cord as you’re playing; your game freezes, the screen shuts to black and when you try to frantically start it up again and see where you had remembered to last save, it says your data is corrupted and deletes everything without your permission. It doesn’t matter where or when you saved. You have to start your progress all over again. You can try memorise the strategies from before but the game switches things up and suddenly you’re hit with a difficulty spike out of nowhere. The person who joked around and pulled the plug doesn’t have to do anything. And if they wanted to, they could do the same thing again and again. Don’t be that person. Be their Player 2 and help them. If they need to go into a dungeon but they’re scared to be alone, offer to cover their back. If their health is low, find them a safe spot and let them heal. The same goes for appointments and seizures. Its not a multiplayer game by default and while they can power through solo, that doesn’t mean they don’t need help if they’re ever stuck.

10. To end on a more positive note, there are lots of successful people out who have/had epilepsy and you probably never even knew. Cameron Boyce’s passing brought attention to SUDEP and celebrities with epilepsy but did you also know about these people and their own cases and seizures?

Prince

Elton John

Lewis Carroll

Danny Glover

Lil Wayne

Neil Young

Hugo Weaving

Charles Dickens

Julius Caesar

Vincent Van Gogh

Theodore Roosevelt

Adam Horovitz

Susan Boyle

Rick Harrison (the Pawn Stars guy!)

And some who are not confirmed (due to medical practices of the time) but are suggested as a result of numerous seizures:

Leonardo da Vinci

Michelangelo

Edgar Allen Poe

Agatha Christie

Socrates

Napoleon Bonaparte

Aristotle

Alexander the Great

Epileptics are humans, normal people just like you. And like you, they’re capable of great things too. If you think about making a crude comment to someone with epilepsy, think about these people and ask yourself if you would say the same things to them. 

If you read all of this, comment with a ⭐️ and please reblog to spread awareness. Whenever we talk about epilepsy, we start and stop the conversation at seizures. Its good to bring awareness to the other things too because its something that affects every part of our lives. Its an invisible disability but that doesn’t mean we are hidden from the disability community and discussion!

[path-of-my-childhood]

Billboard Woman of the Decade Taylor Swift: 'I Do Want My Music to Live On'

By: Jason Lipshutz for Billboard Magazine Date: December 14th issue

In the 2010s, she went from country superstar to pop titan and broke records with chart-topping albums and blockbuster tours. Now Swift is using her industry clout to fight for artists’ rights and foster the musical community she wished she had coming up.

One evening in late October, before she performed at a benefit concert at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles, Taylor Swift’s dressing room became - as it often does - an impromptu summit of music’s biggest names. Swift was there to take part in the American Cancer Society’s annual We Can Survive concert alongside Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Camila Cabello and others, and a few of the artists on the lineup came by to visit.

Eilish, along with her mother and her brother/collaborator, Finneas O’Connell, popped in to say hello - the first time she and Swift had met. Later, Swift joined the exclusive club of people who have seen Marshmello without his signature helmet when the EDM star and his manager stopped by.

“Two dudes walked in - I didn’t know which one was him,” recalls Swift a few weeks later, sitting on a lounge chair in the backyard of a private Beverly Hills residence following a photo shoot. Her momentary confusion turned into a pang of envy. “It’s really smart! Because he’s got a life, and he can get a house that doesn’t have to have a paparazzi-proof entrance.” She stops to adjust her gray sweatshirt dress and lets out a clipped laugh.

Swift, who will celebrate her 30th birthday on Dec. 13, has been impossibly famous for nearly half of her lifetime. She was 16 when she released her self-titled debut album in 2006, and 20 when her second album, Fearless, won the Grammy Award for album of the year in 2010, making her the youngest artist to ever receive the honor. As the decade comes to a close, Swift is one of the most accomplished musical acts of all time: 37.3 million albums sold, according to Nielsen Music; 95 entries on the Billboard Hot 100 (including five No. 1s); 23 Billboard Music Awards; 12 Country Music Association Awards; 10 Grammys; and five world tours.

She also finishes the decade in a totally different realm of the music world from where she started. Swift’s crossover from country to pop - hinted at on 2012’s Red and fully embraced on 2014’s 1989 - reflected a mainstream era in which genres were blended with little abandon, where artists with roots in country, folk and trap music could join forces without anyone raising eyebrows. (See: Swift’s top 20 hit “End Game,” from 2017’s reputation, which featured Ed Sheeran and Future.)

Swift’s new album, Lover, released in August, is both a warm break from the darkness of reputation - which was created during a wave of negative press generated by Swift’s public clash with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian-West - as well as an amalgam of all her stylistic explorations through the years, from dreamy synth-pop to hushed country. “The skies were opening up in my life,” says Swift of the album, which garnered three Grammy nominations, including song of the year for the title track.

She recorded Lover after the Reputation Stadium Tour broke the record for the highest-grossing U.S. tour late last year. In 2020, Swift will embark on Lover Fest, a run of stadium dates that will feature a hand-picked lineup of artists (as yet unannounced) and allow Swift more time off from the road. “This is a year where I have to be there for my family - there’s a lot of question marks throughout the next year, so I wanted to make sure that I could go home,” says Swift, likely referencing her mother’s cancer diagnosis, which inspired the Lover heart-wrencher “Soon You’ll Get Better.”

Now, however, Swift finds herself in a different highly publicized dispute. This time it’s with Scott Borchetta, the head of her former label, Big Machine Records, and Scooter Braun, the manager-mogul whose Ithaca Holdings acquired Big Machine Label Group and its master recordings, which include Swift’s six pre-Lover albums, in June. Upon news of the sale, Swift wrote in a Tumblr post that it was her “worst case scenario,” accusing Braun of “bullying” her throughout her career due to his connections with West. She maintains today that she was never given the opportunity to buy her masters outright. (On Tumblr, she wrote that she was offered the chance to “earn” back the masters to one of her albums for each new album she turned in if she re-signed with Big Machine; Borchetta disputed this characterization, saying she had the opportunity to acquire her masters in exchange for re-signing with the label for a “length of time” - 10 more years, according to screenshots of legal documents posted on the Big Machine website.)

Swift has said that she intends to rerecord her first six albums next year, starting next November, when she says she’s contractually able to - in order to regain control of her recordings. But the back-and-forth appears to be nowhere near over: Last month, Swift alleged that Borchetta and Braun were blocking her from performing her past hits at the American Music Awards or using them in an upcoming Netflix documentary - claims Big Machine characterized as “false information” in a response that did not get into specifics. (Swift ultimately performed the medley she had planned.) In the weeks following this interview, Braun said he was open to “all possibilities” in finding a “resolution,” and Billboard sources say that includes negotiating a sale. Swift remains interested in buying her masters, though the price could be a sticking point, given her rerecording plans, the control she has over the licensing of her music for film and TV, and the market growth since Braun’s acquisition.

However it plays out, the battle over her masters is the latest in a series of moves that has turned Swift into something of an advocate for artists’ rights, and made her a cause that everyone from Halsey to Elizabeth Warren has rallied behind. From 2014 to 2017, Swift withheld her catalog from Spotify to protest the streaming company’s compensation rates, saying in a 2014 interview, “There should be an inherent value placed on art. I didn’t see that happening, perception-wise, when I put my music on Spotify.” In 2015, ahead of the launch of Apple Music, Swift wrote an open letter criticizing Apple for its plan to not pay royalties during the three-month free trial it was set to offer listeners; the company announced a new policy within 24 hours. Most recently, when she signed a new global deal with Universal Music Group in 2018, Swift (who is now on Republic Records) said one of the conditions of her contract was that UMG share proceeds from any sale of its Spotify equity with its roster of artists - and make them non-recoupable against those artists’ earnings.

During a wide-ranging conversation, Billboard’s Woman of the Decade expresses hope that she can help make the lives of creators a little easier in the years to come - and a belief that her behind-the-scenes strides will be as integral to her legacy as her biggest singles. “New artists and producers and writers need work, and they need to be likable and get booked in sessions, and they can’t make noise - but if I can, then I’m going to,” promises Swift. This is where being impossibly famous can be a very good thing. “I know that it seems like I’m very loud about this,” she says, “but it’s because someone has to be.”

While watching some of your performances this year - like SNL and NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert - I was struck by how focused you seemed, like there were no distractions getting in the way of what you were trying to say. That’s a really wonderful way of looking at this phase of my life and my music. I’ve spent a lot of time re-calibrating my life to make it feel manageable. Because there were some years there where I felt like I didn’t quite know what exactly to give people and what to hold back, what to share and what to protect. I think a lot of people go through that, especially in the last decade. I broke through pre-social media, and then there was this phase where social media felt fun and casual and quirky and safe. And then it got to the point where everyone has to evaluate their relationship with social media. So I decided that the best thing I have to offer people is my music. I’m not really here to influence their fashion or their social lives. That has bled through into the live part of what I do.

Meanwhile, you’ve found a way to interact with your fans in this very pure way - on your Tumblr page. Tumblr is the last place on the internet where I feel like I can still make a joke because it feels small, like a neighborhood rather than an entire continent. We can kid around - they literally drag me. It’s fun. That’s a real comfort zone for me. And just like anything else, I need breaks from it sometimes. But when I do participate in that space, it’s always in a very inside-joke, friend vibe. Sometimes, when I open Twitter, I get so overwhelmed that I just immediately close it. I haven’t had Twitter on my phone in a while because I don’t like to have too much news. Like, I follow politics, and that’s it. But I don’t like to follow who has broken up with who, or who wore an interesting pair of shoes. There’s only so much bandwidth my brain can really have.

You’ve spoken in recent interviews about the general expectations you’ve faced, using phrases like “They’ve wanted to see this” and “They hated me for this.” Who is “they”? Is it social media or disparaging think pieces or... It’s sort of an amalgamation of all of it. People who aren’t active fans of your music, who like one song but love to hear who has been canceled on Twitter. I’ve had several upheavals of somehow not being what I should be. And this happens to women in music way more than men. That’s why I get so many phone calls from new artists out of the blue - like, “Hey, I’m getting my first wave of bad press, I’m freaking out, can I talk to you?” And the answer is always yes! I’m talking about more than 20 people who have randomly reached out to me. I take it as a compliment because it means that they see what has happened over the course of my career, over and over again.

Did you have someone like that to reach out to? Not really, because my career has existed in lots of different neighborhoods of music. I had so many mentors in country music. Faith Hill was wonderful. She would reach out to me and invite me over and take me on tour, and I knew that I could talk to her. Crossing over to pop is a completely different world. Country music is a real community, and in pop I didn’t see that community as much. Now there is a bit of one between the girls in pop - we all have each other’s numbers and text each other - but when I first started out in pop it was very much you versus you versus you. We didn’t have a network, which is weird because we can help each other through these moments when you just feel completely isolated.

Do you feel like those barriers are actively being broken down now? God, I hope so. I also hope people can call it out, [like] if you see a Grammy prediction article, and it’s just two women’s faces next to each other and feels a bit gratuitous. No one’s going to start out being perfectly educated on the intricacies of gender politics. The key is that people are trying to learn, and that’s great. No one’s going to get it perfect, but, God, please try.

At this point, who is your sounding board, creatively and professionally From a creative standpoint, I’ve been writing alone a lot more. I’m good with being alone, with thinking alone. When I come up with a marketing idea for the Lover tour, the album launch, the merch, I’ll go right to my management company that I’ve put together. I think a team is the best way to be managed. Just from my experience, I don’t think that this overarching, one-person-handles-my-career thing was ever going to work for me. Because that person ends up kind of being me who comes up with most of the ideas, and then I have an amazing team that facilitates those ideas. The behind-the-scenes work is different for every phase of my career that I’m in. Putting together the festival shows that we’re doing for Lover is completely different than putting together the Reputation Stadium Tour. Putting together the reputation launch was so different than putting together the 1989 launch. So we really do attack things case by case, where the creative first informs everything else.

You’ve spoken before about how meaningful the reputation tour’s success was. What did it represent? That tour was something that I wanted to immortalize in the Netflix special that we did because the album was a story, but it almost was like a story that wasn’t fully realized until you saw it live. It was so cool to hear people leaving the show being like, “I understand it now. I fully get it now.” There are a lot of red herrings and bait-and-switches in the choices that I’ll make with albums, because I want people to go and explore the body of work. You can never express how you feel over the course of an album in a single, so why try?

That seems especially true of your last three albums or so. “Shake It Off” is nothing like the rest of 1989. It’s almost like I feel so much pressure with a first single that I don’t want the first single to be something that makes you feel like you’ve figured out what I’ve made on the rest of the project. I still truly believe in albums, whatever form you consume them in - if you want to stream them or buy them or listen to them on vinyl. And I don’t think that makes me a staunch purist. I think that that is a strong feeling throughout the music industry. We’re running really fast toward a singles industry, but you got to believe in something. I still believe that albums are important.

The music industry has become increasingly global during the past decade. Is reaching new markets something you think about? Yeah, and I’m always trying to learn. I’m learning from everyone. I’m learning when I go see Bruce Springsteen or Madonna do a theater show. And I’m learning from new artists who are coming out right now, just seeing what they’re doing and thinking, “That’s really cool.” You need to keep your influences broad and wide-ranging, and my favorite people who make music have always done that. I got to work with Andrew Lloyd Webber on the Cats movie, and Andrew will walk through the door and be like, “I’ve just seen this amazing thing on TikTok!” And I’m like, “You are it! You are it!” Because you cannot look at what quote-unquote “the kids are doing” and roll your eyes. You have to learn.

Have you explored TikTok at all? I only see them when they’re posted to Tumblr, but I love them! I think that they’re hilarious and amazing. Andrew says that they’ve made musicals cool again, because there’s a huge musical facet to TikTok. [He’s] like, “Any way we can do that is good.”

How do you see your involvement in the business side of your career progressing in the next decade? You seem like someone who could eventually start a label or be more hands-on with signing artists. I do think about it every once in a while, but if I was going to do it, I would need to do it with all of my energy. I know how important that is, when you’ve got someone else’s career in your hands, and I know how it feels when someone isn’t generous.

You’ve served as an ambassador of sorts for artists, especially recently - staring down streaming services over payouts, increasing public awareness about the terms of record deals. We have a long way to go. I think that we’re working off of an antiquated contractual system. We’re galloping toward a new industry but not thinking about re-calibrating financial structures and compensation rates, taking care of producers and writers. We need to think about how we handle master recordings, because this isn’t it. When I stood up and talked about this, I saw a lot of fans saying, “Wait, the creators of this work do not own their work, ever?” I spent 10 years of my life trying rigorously to purchase my masters outright and was then denied that opportunity, and I just don’t want that to happen to another artist if I can help it. I want to at least raise my hand and say, “This is something that an artist should be able to earn back over the course of their deal - not as a renegotiation ploy - and something that artists should maybe have the first right of refusal to buy.” God, I would have paid so much for them! Anything to own my work that was an actual sale option, but it wasn’t given to me. Thankfully, there’s power in writing your music. Every week, we get a dozen synch requests to use “Shake It Off” in some advertisement or “Blank Space” in some movie trailer, and we say no to every single one of them. And the reason I’m rerecording my music next year is because I do want my music to live on. I do want it to be in movies, I do want it to be in commercials. But I only want that if I own it.

Do you know how long that rerecording process will take? I don’t know! But it’s going to be fun, because it’ll feel like regaining a freedom and taking back what’s mine. When I created [these songs], I didn’t know what they would grow up to be. Going back in and knowing that it meant something to people is actually a really beautiful way to celebrate what the fans have done for my music.

Ten years ago, on the brink of the 2010s, you were about to turn 20. What advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time? Oh, God - I wouldn’t give myself any advice. I would have done everything exactly the same way. Because even the really tough things I’ve gone through taught me things that I never would have learned any other way. I really appreciate my experience, the ups and downs. And maybe that seems ridiculously Zen, but... I’ve got my friends, who like me for the right reasons. I’ve got my family. I’ve got my boyfriend. I’ve got my fans. I’ve got my cats.

Taylor Swift Discusses 'The Man' & 'It's Nice To Have a Friend' In Cover Story Outtakes

Billboard // by Jason Lipshutz // December 12th 2019

During her cover story interview for Billboard’s Women In Music issue, Taylor Swift discussed several aspects of her mega-selling seventh studio album Lover, including its creation after a personal “recalibrating” period, her stripped-down performances of its songs and her plans to showcase the full-length live with her Lover Fest shows next year. In two moments from the extended conversation that did not make the print story, Billboard’s Woman of the Decade also touched upon two of the album’s highlights, which double as a pair of the more interesting songs in her discography: “The Man” and “It’s Nice To Have A Friend.” 

“The Man” imagines how Swift’s experience as a person, artist and figure within the music industry would have been different had she been a man, highlighting how much harder women have to work in order to succeed (“I’m so sick of running as fast as I can / Wondering if I’d get there quicker if I was a man,” she sings in the chorus). The song has become a fan favorite since the release of Lover, and Swift recently opened a career-spanning medley with the song at the 2019 American Music Awards.

When asked about “The Man,” Swift pointed out specific double standards that exist in everyday life and explained why she wanted to turn that frustration into a pop single. Read Swift’s full thoughts on “The Man” below:

“It was a song that I wrote from my personal experience, but also from a general experience that I’ve heard from women in all parts of our industry. And I think that, the more we can talk about it in a song like that, the better off we’ll be in a place to call it out when it’s happening. So many of these things are ingrained in even women, these perceptions, and it’s really about re-training your own brain to be less critical of women when we are not criticizing men for the same things. So many things that men do, you know, can be phoned-in that cannot be phoned-in for us. We have to really — God, we have to curate and cater everything, but we have to make it look like an accident. Because if we make a mistake, that’s our fault, but if we strategize so that we won’t make a mistake, we’re calculating.

“There is a bit of a damned-if-we-do, damned-if-we-don’t thing happening in music, and that’s why when I can, like, sit and talk and be like ‘Yeah, this sucks for me too,’ that feels good. When I go online and hear the stories of my fans talking about their experience in the working world, or even at school — the more we talk about it, the better off we’ll be. And I wanted to make it catchy for a reason — so that it would get stuck in people’s heads, [so] they would end up with a song about gender inequality stuck in their heads. And for me, that’s a good day.”

Meanwhile, the penultimate song on Lover, “It’s Nice To Have A Friend,” sounds unlike anything in Swift’s catalog thanks to its elliptical structure, lullaby-like tone and incorporation of steel drums and brass. When asked about the song, Swift talked about experimenting with her songwriting, as well as capturing a different angle of the emotional themes at the heart of Lover. Read Swift’s full thoughts on “It’s Nice To Have A Friend” below:

“It was fun to write a song that was just verses, because my whole body and soul wants to make a chorus — every time I sit down to write a song, I’m like, ‘Okay, chorus time, let’s get the chorus done.’ But with that song, it was more of like a poem, and a story and a vibe and a feeling of... I love metaphors that kind of have more than one meaning, and I think I loved the idea that, on an album called Lover, we all want love, we all want to find somebody to see our sights with and hear things with and experience things with.

“But at the end of the day we’ve been searching for that since we were kids! When you had a friend when you were nine years old, and that friend was all you talked about, and you wanted to have sleepovers and you wanted to walk down the street together and sit there drawing pictures together or be silent together, or be talking all night. We’re just looking for that, but endless sparks, as adults.”

Read the full Taylor Swift cover story here, and click here for more info on Billboard’s 2019 Women In Music event, during which Swift will be presented with the first-ever Woman of the Decade award.

[link to this tweet]

Was there ever a part of you that was like, “Oh shit, I like this darker vibe, let’s go even further down that path?” I really Loved Reputation because it felt like a rock opera, or a musical, doing it live. Doing that stadium show was so fun because it was so theatrical and so exciting to perform that, because it’s really cathartic! But I have to follow whatever direction my life is going in emotionally... The skies were opening up in my life. That’s what happened. But in a way that felt like a pink sky, a pink and purple sky, after a storm, and now it looks even more beautiful because it looked so stormy before. And that’s just like, I couldn't stop writing. I’ve never had an album with 18 songs on it before, and a lot of what I do is based on intuition. So, you know, I try not to overthink it. Who knows, there may be another dark album. I plan on doing lots of experimentation over the course of my career. Who knows? But it was a blast, I really loved it.

I mean, look, a Taylor Swift screamo album? I’ll be first in line. I’m so happy to hear that, because I think you might be the only one. Ha! I have a terrible scream. It’s obnoxious.

Why Taylor Swift's Lover Fest Will Be Her Next Big Step

Billboard // by Jason Lipshutz // December 11th 2019 - [Excerpt]

On why she chose to put together Lover fest: “I haven’t really done festivals in years - not since I was a teenager. That’s something that [the fans] don’t expect from me, so that’s why I wanted to do it. I want to challenge myself with new things and at the same time keep giving my fans something to connect to.”

[somuchforsummer]

More for the 30 days of autism acceptance

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

I like to think I'm good with sarcasm and things but I am worse at understanding than I believe, which is something I never noticed before my diagnosis and has probably contributed to my self esteem issues. I'm usually fine with metaphors/figures of speech but I will imagine all of them(if you say it's raining cats and dogs, I've learned what it means but will still picture cats and dogs falling from the sky).

April 8th: Talk about friendship. How important are friends to you? Do you find it hard to make and maintain friendships? Are your friends generally supportive? Is there anything about having friends that confuses you?

Friends are very important to me. I don't find it easy to make friends/maintain friendships but am lucky enough to have a good group of friends to accept my differences. I think I've experienced three types of friends-the ones who have treated me as a pet, the ones who make me feel inadequate because of my differences, and the ones who fully support and embrace me. It's just about only sticking with the third type.

April 9th: How has the pandemic impacted you? Has it changed routines? Do you like or dislike masks? What do you wish allistics and neurotypicals knew/understood about how the pandemic is impacting autistic people?

The pandemic was absolutely brilliant lmao. I was able to learn in a comfortable environment with comfortable clothes and not have to deal with the shitty parts of school, such as communicating with people I don't like and general navigation of life. I think I was just purely able to unmask(ironically) for months and it felt great. Masks are good in some ways(such as not having to regulate your facial emotions) but they are annoying on my ears. But like most sensory issues, I don't notice it too much unless I'm having a bad day. I wish neurotypicals would stop saying "we're all in the same boat" because it impacts all of us differently, especially neurodivergent people.

April 10th: How important is representation to you? Is the representation that is out there generally good or bad? What is your favorite piece of representation? What you like to see more of in autism representation? What would you like to see less of?

If proper representation was there, I may have been able to get diagnosed sooner. Most representation is bad when it deliberately tries to have an autistic character but works when the creators accidentally make someone have autism. Dina Fox from Superstore is my favourite autistic headcannon because despite her quirks and sometimes abrasiveness, the characters all still try to include her and make sure she's a part of the team. She gets to be accepted for who she is. As for real representation, I geniuinely haven't seen enough to have any piece that is good. I would like to see more diversity in the autistic experience, both with who experiences autism and how it manifests. I would like to see less stereotypical white males played by neurotypicals.

April 11th: What are your thoughts/feelings about masking (a term for when autistic people hide their autistic traits)? Do you mask?

I mask a lot even though it's not very healthy. I wish it wasn't necessary but it's a survival mechanism for me and at this point is kind of natural. Would love to see a world where that wasn't the case.

April 12th: Is there anything you find hard to do because of being autistic? Is there anything that you find easy?

I find it hard to socialise and be able to have enough energy to do everything I need to do. I'm pretty sure my autism makes it easier for me to understand mathematical problems, so that's a plus

April 13th: How much preparation and planning do you need before doing new things, or even for familiar things? Do you need to be totally prepared ahead of time or are you more comfortable with being spontaneous/just going for it? Does it vary for you depending on the thing or the day?

I can do spontaneous things when someone else is in control and I have some idea of what to expect-for example going for a drive with my dad to go somewhere for a walk. However, I need a lot more planning and preparation for things I have to do by myself

April 14th: What do you like about being autistic?

I guess I like having a different perspective on the world? That's a question I would really like to figure out the answer to, because at the moment there isn't a lot

April 15th: Do you work? If so, what is that like for you? Are you open about being autistic at work? Alternatively, how open are you about being autistic? Do you tell a lot of people? Or just a select few? How do people normally react when you tell them? If you don't tell people, then why?

I currently do work. It is very stressful for me but it gets easier as I fall into a routine. However, my workplace isn't always the most organised, which stresses me out more. I haven't told anyone about my autism at work but maybe that will change in the future. My work deals with many autistic kids so maybe me being open might be an asset? I just don't want to be treated differently unless it will be helpful to me. For the other question, all my close friends know but I got diagnosed in January so it's still a learning curve as to who to tell. Usually I'll explain it if it comes up and I haven't had any openly bad reactions.